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the-dream-beyond · 1 year ago

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Episode 23: Adlerian Psychology - Embracing Inferiority and the Drive for Greatness with Hallie Williams

Hallie Williams

Encouraged is derived from courage. So we encourage people to get better. And that person has to have the courage to deal with our inadequacies, the mere human experience, yes that we wake up one day and find ourselves on this planet Earth. And we go through life trying to figure out ways to deal with the adversities that come up. Those things take courage.

Nik Tarascio

So many of us have had a desire to have a big impact on the world in some way. I think so many of us feel like that's part of the meaning of why we're here. That's our purpose, right? It's to be an advocate for something to go out and find something, you know, like activism to support a cause that you believe in, whatever that thing is building your own business, raising a family. What if I told you that underneath some of the people that have been the most successful at shaping the world, was a single person's principles that you've probably never even heard of? That's what's so shocking to me. So we're going to talk today about one of the lesser known psychologists who is actually on par with Jung, and Freud, and how you can learn some of these principles and take it to that again, you can make the world more the way you want it to be. I hope you really enjoy.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO musician, an overall seeker of Truth, inspiration, and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Hey, everybody, I'm here with someone who's a clinical psychotherapist and a graduate of Adler Graduate School in Minnetonka, Minnesota. His main clinical focus and passion surrounds trauma and mental illness with at risk youth and their families as well as the trauma surrounding us veterans, rightfully so he's also a veteran of the US Army. Please welcome Holly Williams with us today. Thank you for being here. Hello.

Hallie Williams

Thank you for having me. All right.

Nik Tarascio

So I wanted to let everyone know how I even got to Adler and again, we're gonna be talking about a guy named. It's Alfred Adler. Is that right? That's right. Excellent. So I was out in a bookstore, actually, I guess was a coffee shop in Santa Monica. And I saw this book cover called the courage to be disliked, which immediately spoke to me. I was like, I wish I had more courage to be disliked. I think I'd probably I think I'd probably do more interesting things. And at the end of the day, I said, What is this all about? And I got into it realize it was really a book, a Japanese book about Alfred Adler, who was Was he Austrian or German?

Hallie Williams

I don't even know what his backers were originally was Austrian, but he was eventually moved to the US.

Nik Tarascio

Okay, so here's this, here's this crazy circuitous path of a random guy in a Santa Monica coffee shop that sees a book that's written by the Japanese, about an Austrian therapist, who made his way to the US. So it was just kind of this very security thing. And I was like, Who is this Alfred Adler guy? And very quickly started to understand that Adler was really on the level of, of Jung and then Freud, but for whatever reason, I'm curious why you think it is that he's not as big of a name as the other two. Why is that?

Hallie Williams

Well, Adler and Freud had a falling out a theoretical form, and now and a number of Freud's followers at the time, ended up subscribing to Atlas theories, when they separated. Freud was from more of a upper class society, if you will. He was more connected from a pretty powerful family, and would Adela did his seat, he left that environment he moved out to living among other people when he was developing his theory. And I think the main reason that we don't know more about Adler was initially as I said, he did not come from a powerful background. So his spirits weren't spread as all and nowadays, we have a number of people that utilize Adler's theories and his teaching without giving him adequate credit. So, you know, the Adler could be called the father of positive discipline, or and the father of positive psychology, but only in positive discipline. As he mentioned positive psychology you almost never hear about it. So it really takes a little bit of digging to find out that most of the theories that we have today are derived from Adlerian teachings but Allah does not get much credit. That's the that's really the main reason it will take a little digging kinda like you did, to find out a little bit more about it.

Nik Tarascio

Interesting. I'm curious to other other, other other expressions are concepts that are in common knowledge, but are not attributed to Adler.

Hallie Williams

Well, you know, the inferiority feeling of inferiority complex is the term created by Adler. I don't think many of you know very many people know that. Adler was also a big proponent of social interests. You know that people don't really talk about much birth order, I'm sure you probably somebody with that, and many people will be with birth order. But these are concepts that will kind of derived and cultivated by Adler. So that's, you know, what I would say those are the ones that's probably most common that people would be familiar with everybody kind of knows of inferiority complex, and that inferiority feelings. So I would say those are those are probably the most common without being an academic, that people would be kind of familiar with.

Nik Tarascio

The interesting. So it sounds like he's a little bit like the Nikola Tesla of psychology. And that way, we're bigger players with bigger players from a successful family took a lot of credit spread his teachings, or or just, I mean, in the case of Tesla was pretty much buried by Edison as far as his work goes. So

Hallie Williams

that sounds very good way of putting it very good way of swinging.

Nik Tarascio

Interesting. So how did you find your way to Adler?

Hallie Williams

That's a that's an interesting question. I was working with. I had developed the program. And I was working with youth that had, I guess we would call them lack of another term juvenile delinquents that had gotten in trouble with the law. And I was writing curriculums and redirect some of these at risk youth. So the court system had agreed that the youth that completed this program that I had, would would not be incarcerated, because they'd already been picked up by the jail by the police, who were in jail and had been released to go to this program, they successfully completed it, they would not be re incarceration. So as I dug into my research, developing the curriculum and the things that I wanted to teach them about, and I was looking for positive things, and went back a long ways, I mean, ever since the abolitionists, and as I read about them, and and things that I could present to the kids that I thought was interesting, it kind of led me to someone named Karen Horney.

And, you know, different people. And they kept referring to this guy, Alfred ad here. And that was like, Who is this Do me because I knew nothing about it. So as I started reading, about Alfred Adler, his theories spoke to me, it gave words to something that I already believed that I just didn't have the credibility to say and didn't really know how to say. And often that happens when a theory is put out in the world, certain people get attracted to it based on your personality. So as I dug into it, and I found out about you those feelings of inferiority, how some people will have this strong feeling of inferiority and they do a variety of things to make them feel better, or to move into a different direction. And I found like a lot of this stuff applied to the kids, the more I dug into it, the more I kind of fell in love with the theory of ads, you know, probably had I'd not been working with at risk youth. I probably would never stumble across you unless I wanted to a coffee shop like you would picked up. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, it's super. It is always shocking for me to understand how much someone could have impact on the world and be a ghost, right? In many ways, just be a ghost that's kind of running under the radar. And so for for people that are hopefully curious about this any here's this guy who's this master of psychology that has really contributed so much to the field of psychology, but also just some of again, our common common knowledge. Like you said, this inferiority complex that I think people know quite a bit about. What what is the, like, how would you describe it? I think people have an understanding of Freud you know, understanding of Freud as he's the next guy, right? Everything Is Everything has some sexual undertone. Jung is, uh, you know, again, when I think of young I think of archetypes, talks a lot about the concept of archetype and the hero's journey and a lot of things like that. How would you describe Adler in summation?

Hallie Williams

Um, you know, often when I talk to people about this, I tried to divide Adela into two will Adlerian theory, which is also called individual psychology. I tried to divide it into kind of two categories. It's not really that way. But well me to describe it and get people to understand it are divided into two categories. One is the pathology approach, dealing with mental illness, a variety of illnesses. But individual psychology is also about a way of life. And this is why You know, many of the social work teachings come from Allah had mentioned earlier positive psychology because basically it takes a person's life, and breaks it down until so tells us how we should live.

And I'm sure you probably pick that up from from a book that you read, it's a way of living. It's how we should interact with our fellow man. It's how we should move toward happiness. So different than young are different than Freud, which focus primarily on just a pathological approach. individual psychology helps you figure out a way of living, gives you a life, purpose, or helps you identify your purpose. And personally, I think it leads us to on the road to happiness, because ultimately, and I may be getting a little bit ahead of myself, but ultimately, up social interest, this thing that will kind of born with working with others to Wingfoot others is the way to go to, you know, to travel down the road to what happens. So if I had to call him when we're let's just call him a positive approach to living one's life, I think is how I will conceptualize everything about it.

Nik Tarascio

It sounds it sounds like we're touching on the I mean, I know Jung had some spiritual context as well. Some people said he was pretty deep into the into spirituality. It sounds like Adler also touches on philosophy, and spirituality slash almost like religious ideology on some level.

Hallie Williams

On some level, or being when he developed his theory, he did study you a variety of things he studied, the Bible was one that he used to kind of develop his approach I wouldn't call individual psychology, you know, by no means a religion or spiritual experience. But he helps us understand our position in this world. You know, we're all humans. So it's a way that humans should interact with other humans. It's a way we should interact with our world. And he clarifies all of it for us so we could see it. I guess some people would refer to it as a spiritual experience, I wouldn't. I think of it more as just a rule and a guide of life. So in some respects, the Bible is considered to be a rule and guide a thief. But I've looked at individual psychology as a guide to our life.

Nik Tarascio

So be curious if you wanted to sell someone on this, like, when I see a movie I love or I hear music, I love I immediately, like, I gotta find the hook so I could get other people interested. What are the hooks? What are the things? Or what are some of like, the core concepts that you would share with someone, if you see someone you love? And you're like, they're not happy? They're not understanding how to relate to the world around them. Hey, here's some ideas you might be interested in, in hopes that maybe they go wow, this other guy does have some stuff to say, and I want to go deeper into his work. And where would you start people in that,

Hallie Williams

I probably would start with, you know, some examples. some real life examples, for instance. Or ask somebody to relate to think about maybe Christmas, at times of Christmas, people give gifts, people received gifts. But imagine for a minute that you have someone that you care about deeply. Let's just see one of your children. And you purchase a gift for them. thoughtful gift you didn't ask, you don't ask them for a list or anything, just knowing your child, you purchased the gift for them. And when they opened the gift, it's exactly what they wanted. The joy you seal in that person's face, the exuberance, the enthusiasm, I mean, when they just gets hyper, it puts a smile on your face, you didn't receive anything, you gave something.

And by giving vaccine, you get a great deal of joy back, it made you happy. You gave a gift to make somebody else happy. But instead it made you happy is something about giving and doing for others. That complete us because that's who we are. We are a race of people that surface one another. So I would use that example to explain social interests. What are the fundamental parts of individual psychology, it's about doing for others, because that's where happiness comes for a weekend, take and take and take what sometimes you can keep taking in and you still find yourself unfulfilled. You're not happy. You've you've got all the money in the world. You've got all the local friends in the world, but you still find out that you're not happy.

The road to happiness is us doing for others. So I will use that example to spark the interest and depending on the interest and I would go into some of the other some of the other feelings describe inferiority feelings. I mean, because this feeling about inferiority Avila will tell us that we're all moving. From a feeling of inferiority to a feeling of superiority, or more than if I could elaborate a little bit on that, I would say it's kind of like the, what a baby is born, the child sees us standing. So eventually that child in the career starts pulling on the edges of the crib, until they can stand up. And they feel fulfilled about that, because now they have that feeling of inferiority that they bought with feeling less than the other humans around them, they're standing in talking to them, once they stand up, you get that feeling of fulfill you moving from a feeling of inferiority to a feeling of superiority, if you will, or not above anyone else, but better than you were.

And this, this drive goes throughout life, everyone has this feeling some of us more than others, the key is cultivating this feeling within you so that as you move to a place of more there are more superiority, you're doing it in a functional way, not at the expense of others,

Nik Tarascio

is that is that where the complex comes in is that when someone says it's an inferiority complex, you're saying I want to feel more than but at the expense of others.

Hallie Williams

Exactly, exactly. Because in these things are held together. So we believe that you were born with a social feel it Okay, a little bit different social interest, that social feeling is the innate thing that we were born with. The social feeling must be cultivated by people like you and I, when we have children, we have the social feeling of zap, but we cultivate that to the point that they understand how they should interact. You have you have a small child, you teach them to share their toys, when someone comes by, you don't want the kid to be taken all the toys, so they've got friends, but they can't play with anything. These are all mine. Yes, they are yours. But you start teaching them to share in the joy that comes from another person using a toy, both people are happy enough, you know, so we start working on cultivating that. And if it's not cultivated, overs, cultivated in a dysfunctional way, you're right, that leads to this inferiority complex.

Nik Tarascio

What's the other side of social interest. So in the same way, like it makes sense to me that we all start less than, and we have a long way to go to become enough, or feeling, I guess the other side would be the superiority, right on some level using that word. But on that path, that makes sense. I've inferiority, I want to get better. And if I do it at the expense of others, that becomes the shadow version of that the complex of that, what's the complex of social interest?

Hallie Williams

Well, but the best where it becomes dysfunctional. Let me let me give you an example. And this is anecdotally I haven't done research studies on this. But you know, throughout America, we have a rash of mass shootings, you have, we can't seem to get our arms around, when you will connect it in a family. But you feel like you, you, you feel that human connection of humanity with others. We don't do adverse actions to other people. But we feel disconnected, it's easier to do something terrible to someone that you are not connected to. So when we talk about the adverse part of that social feeling, is that disconnection and isolation that leads to some type of dysfunction. And that dysfunction could come up many ways. Sometimes it's a fight. It's an argument. You know, I could see it in a husband and wife situation, but on the screen is we see it when people want to do these mass acts of terror. They don't feel that connection to others. They don't feel it's the adverse of the social interest in the commission that we bear that makes it

Nik Tarascio

it does. And I think the place I get hung up is when you talk about social feeling. I'm wondering, is it actually like a somatic experience in the body that Adler's talking about, or is it something else that he's saying when he refers to it as a feeling?

Hallie Williams

Well, again, we have two things. We have that social feeling, which is like the innate thing that we're born with, that we have our birth right. We have that social feeling because we are all part of the same family of humanity. SOCIAL, the social interests is the part that we as parents must cultivate in our children. We cultivate that to make sure they realize that they're a part of something, we start that if you have children at home, generally speaking, you would want them to understand that they're part of let's call it the team, you're part of a family, you have things to do as a father, the wife has things to do as a mother, that children should have things to do to be part of that team, that could be making your bed, taking out the trash, you know, a variety of things to feel like they're actually a part of that feeling, a part of that team. So the best the beginning of cultivating the thing that's already in there, that's that innate thing that we have that we recognize we're part of humanity, you're cultivating that into social interests, we're now on their own, that people understand that they stumbled the children were misled, that they should be connected to one another.

Nik Tarascio

So I guess the place I go to, and again, I may sound thick on this one, because if anything, I've been very disconnected from the head to the body most of my life. So a lot of it when I hear the concept of feeling and you talk about there is almost if someone truly felt connected to people, the world, whatever that is, generally they're not going to do harmful acts, right? Because it's, I mean, this goes back to like non duality, sorry, non dualism, non duality of like, inside outside all the same thing. There's no, me and other, it's just all we're all wanting the same. Right? It's, it's so so there's something to that. I'm curious, though, is when? How would you describe it? If I said to you, I want to feel that social feeling? Is it actually a sense in the body? Is it actually an emotion? Is it what it when I feel connected to someone, there is sometimes a sensation that I feel in my body, but is there actually a physical component of the concept of social feeling in your mind?

Hallie Williams

It is a social feeling is a descriptive word that we use to describe an intangible, like, like love you who are we can't touch it, we can't see it. When we observe it in in your actions, would you care for someone do certain things, you may do something for a wife or a girlfriend, and they may conclude from that you love her. Or she will say he loves me, based on the things that you are doing? So social feeling or social interests is an intangible thing. It's not. It's just like those emotions of, of love. And you can you know, it's based on how a person acts. So it's not like you get a particular feeling that reverberates throughout your entire body. It's,

Nik Tarascio

I'm relieved to hear that. I'm relieved to hear that because I'm like, Man, I think I didn't want to say it until you answer that. Because I'm like, I think I was born without the social feeling. I can feel it in my body.

Hallie Williams

Let me let me interject something. And I'll tell you how I would kind of evaluate it. To people, I would ask them, Are you happy? Are you happy with your life? You know, when people tell me that they are, then you know, hey, everything's Gucci? That's fine, we got no problem. If you're not happy, then we probably should talk about it. And the first thing I would look for is, is how are you interacting with others? What are you doing for others, because this puts you on the road to happiness. Generally speaking, when a person doesn't have that, that feeling of social uterus, I would say that they're generally lacking in the things that they're doing for other people. Because we have become self centered in the whole world is about doing things for me. Doing things for me, is not going to take you to happen. It will get you through life.

But you're always going to feel a vacancy there. Because that's not how we are created nowhere in society. Do we find man isolated, we've always been a part of a community, that community of humanity, and that community of humanity is what fulfills us doing for others. I mean, it's a word that we could use this pretty universal, that whether people hate to because of your ethnicity, your complexion, your financial status, or whatever. It's a word that we use the same as the UNIVAC, new five people and that skill. When we say help other humans come, whether they like you or not, it's like a something in us. It fulfills us to go help people. We have organizations we call charity that people just give to, you know, I have I have a humorous expression. I have given the people some time and I say that, you know, poverty is God's extra key that he gets Have wealthy people so they can get to heaven. So you could do something for other people. And it's just a humorous, you know, no anecdote that I use. But the fact of the matter is, it's something to bear is something to the fact that we get such great pleasure for doing for others. So when when, when people are unhappy, and I have met a number of them in my life, generally speaking, I start evaluating them, and I look what they do their lives, and most certainly my fan, that they are self centered, without really even realizing that they are. Sometimes we strive so hard to achieve and accomplish things. But those things are all about us. You know, a successful business is when a CEO can find a way to put everybody in positions, so that they can feel successful. So you do something for them to make them feel successful. You know, when these people see that you're doing, you're giving to them, that makes you happy.

But it also makes them happy, who isn't happy. Versus if you have a mentor or a mentee. And you train this person that you teach this person, it all of a sudden, this person achieves a great level of success. Wouldn't that make you happy? It's all about what you'd have done for someone else. So instead of us looking inward, about about it being all about us, the success is going to come when we start doing for others. This is why we will find in an athletic endeavor, sports teams, and we'll see on paper, this particular team should win. But they don't win. Why? Because they're not. They're not together. They're not working together as a team. Sometimes I'd give up points. So I can make you successful. Instead of me taking that shot, I might pass it to you for you to take the shot. But if I'm selfish, I'm trying to get all the points out here. And maybe I will get those points, but the team will lose. It's about sharing, giving to others. That's that's where our success in life comes from. And I believe that's where all happiness.

Nik Tarascio

So I guess I'd be curious to now build on that knowing that you work with at rescue, I imagine that social interest may come into the dialogue with them. And I, I would love to hear from you. How do you apply this right? So someone says great, I'm sold. This is super interesting. This Adler guy's clearly got some ideas that are really beautiful. And bring again, to me it is the application of timeless spiritual principles into practical knowledge for living. That's really the way I would describe it, given what you just said. So given that, I'm wondering, can you give some real examples of people you've worked with, or kids you've worked with the kind of results you got and how you steered them using some of these tools?

Hallie Williams

Well, of course, athletically, you know, it's easy to do if coach, basketball football track. No, for a number of years, I don't right now, but I've did that for a number of years. And it's easier in those kinds of environments, because I can show them how, by Friday to make someone else successful, it makes us successful. By inspiring them to pass the ball not at of course, initially, you have to enforce that. But if one person doesn't make the shot, is one second left in the game, and you pass it to someone else and they make the shot, the whole team is happy. It doesn't matter whether you did it or not. So I would emphasize those facts when I'm dealing, you know, athletically, when I'm dealing with youth, and it has nothing to do with athletics. So if I'm not coaching them, it's a little bit different approach. And I don't normally isolate social interest just by itself. social interest is kind of tied. It's like the glue that holds together the tasks that she must accomplish in life. We haven't talked about that, at least at this point, but it's three particular tasks that you have to occur. So if you want I can elaborate on those right now.

Nik Tarascio

Yes, yeah. I'd be curious to know what the three tasks are.

Hallie Williams

So that these three tasks are according to individual psychology, everyone has a we will call it the work X. And that means that we all must provide must work so we all can provide to society. For instance, you sitting in a beautiful studio there with your guitars on the wall. But you probably are the expert musician, but I would venture to say you didn't make any other guitars. Someone else made those and they provided it to you. And then you could do your favorite source of work tasks. Well, we all contribute to one another, and we all benefit from one another. Secondly, is the task of us being able to get along with other humans were part of humanity. I mean, we have to learn to get along. You know, you'd have animals, you have insects, you have a lot of the things of the world. But in the animal kingdom, nobody is accepted humans to be a part of that lions don't want us joining the crew, were the weakest thing on this planet. We can't, I mean, we can't survive outside, by ourselves, we can't just fight our food, we were just weak we survive, that we thrive, because we work together.

So it's imperative that we learn to work together with other humans, because our very existence depends on it. And lastly, is speaks more to procreation. Many animals go extinct. That's not something we're going to ever have to worry about with humanity for a variety of reasons. But because of it, and to pre procreate, we have an opposite sixth, we must learn how to get along with the opposite sex, or the effect of procreation. Now, granted, everybody does not have children, and it's a choice that they've made. But anybody could make that choice, we have to procreate, because this is how humanity continues. So those three tasks, ama believes everybody must reverse those tasks, those tasks are held together by social interests. So I give the same kind of explanation to use that I deal with, but I specifically focus on getting along with one another. And, and getting along with one another is kind of held together by doing for one another, because it's a task that we must accomplish. So how do you get that task done, you do that by working together. So you're not would have different tasks in a classroom or in the streets, if we happen to be out there, where two or more people are working together on the same task. And as they accomplish these things, they get the feeling of working together, you can get more done, when when you're working together, you know, all ships should rise when the tide comes in.

So I emphasize that part, to do a variety of little tasks that we we we utilize in classes. And that's primarily how I would do that. But I usually don't separate it without kind of tying everything together. You know, realizing also, that, you know, if I could a little bit I just feel like at this point, I'd like to talk a little bit about a sorority, if you if you don't, man and how that ties together. And I'll tell you this, this kind of brings up an example about my not have a brother and my brother, as youth. He was not a very good athlete. I was I was a much better athlete, but I didn't have to work it and I was just, you know, I was just good at some things. So we were on a football team. And my brother didn't make the tea. So my mother made me quit. Because, you know, my mom was on about academics, and it's just a game. If kids can't make the tea. Nobody is going to play. You know, even little coaches came by like we need Halid No, no, if kids can't make it, nobody, please. So my brother had Disentis this out, he felt terrible about that. He felt, you know, he was less than I could do everything better than him long story short.

Years later, my brother ends up making a tea, getting a scholarship to go to Syracuse University. Because of by his senior year, he had become very dominant. So he gets to Syracuse. And at Syracuse, initially same kind of thing. In the beginning, he was not that much of an athlete. He felt inferior, which was driving him by his senior year. He was one of the top linemen at Syracuse. Bow comes the draft. But he didn't get drafted. He did get an offer to walk it on at with the Eagles. Again, same situation when he gets there. Everything he owns is in the trunk of his car. He has nothing. It didn't draft it. At the beginning of camp. He's just getting beat down until this almost this feeling of inferiority just develops in him so much until it breaks down to he's about crying. But the feeling of inferiority was so strong in him. That it that it inspired him it pushed him so much more. Long story short, he ends up making the tea playing in the NFL for 14 years, stopping for 11 and he was always driven, but he was always driven by being less vain, every one of feeling less than even when he was successful. He felt desperate, because it's not about reality. It's about what a person feels.

So realizing those experiences of what could happen with that, with that feeling of inferiority, I've used those examples. When I, when I deal with us to channel it in a more positive, in a more positive manner, we go through life with this feeling of inferiority, we go to, if you're taking a Spanish class, for instance, you don't know Spanish initially. But so you feel inferior. But the functional way, the more pro social way of dealing with that is let that inspire you to work harder, let that inspire you to focus versus being dysfunctional, it inspires you to find a way to cheat, to do it in a dysfunctional way. So it's all about, it's not about eliminating these feelings, because the human experience is about these feelings of if you're already every day you go to work, Nick, is something different that happens that you might not have planned for, you have to figure that out. So it's two choices, you can approach it in a pro social functional way. Or you can find something ethical to do to accomplish that, that becomes the development of a pathology, it's about taking this feeling, first understanding it, and taking it and focusing it. And if enough, a person is a leader, you recognize this, and you look at the people that work for you, you identified those feelings, and you help them focus it in a functional way.

You have to have the courage to be imperfect, it's not going to always work just right, which you have to be strong, you'd have to have the courage today, if it don't work, right, this time, it will the next time and if not, then this, it will make you so do keep that in a pro social way of functional where we don't go outside of those barriers, because when we do, of course, that's when it starts leading to a variety of dysfunctions, you know, we we may steal, or we may lie, we may reach, you know, all these other things. So these are the things that I tried to do with the, with the kids with a youth that I that I worked with, and I worked with adults also. But particularly with the youth because it's easier. They're at a stage when they're developing these things already. So it's easier for me to focus them than it is with an adult, although the same thing happens with an adult.

Nik Tarascio

I mean, I can very much hear as you're talking I mean, there's so much curiosity that comes up around the idea that one, inferiority, I've only known inferiority complex. I've never known just inferiority, right. And that's important in my mind of, it's almost like we shame the feeling of inferiority, Oh, I feel that that's bad. And so if I can be with my own feeling of inferiority, then I can't, I won't want to put myself in a situation that will challenge me to become my better self, my better version. And I immediately go to like this idea of these, like, everyone gets a trophy in school, right? It's this idea. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable on anyone to feel less than. And I'm curious in that perspective is, you know, with the, with the teachings of others say we're actually taking away the opportunity for people to feel the adversity of inferiority so that they can have a motivation to move forward.

Hallie Williams

If he would, I think ever will speak a bit more about courage. Encourage is the raft from courage. So you we encourage people to get better. And that person has to have the courage to deal with our inadequacies. The mere human experience is that we wake up one day we find ourselves on this planet Earth. And we go through life trying to figure out ways to deal with the adversities that come up. Those things take courage. So when you talk about the trophies and everybody getting a trophy to school, I don't subscribe to that, when I do subscribe to is the people that did not when you learn to deal with those adversities. You have the courage to deal with your adversities. That feeling that you have you will hear sometimes great athletes say hold on to that feeling. Let that feeling drives you to become better. The great, the super great athletes, all will see they might have lost the game, but I sit there and I watch the celebration on the court. I wanted to hold on to that field.

And I use that feeling throughout the offseason. It drove me to do something to make myself better to make the team better. It's not about me, just getting all the praise. It's about making everybody better. So when if we try to shape the world with a child to think that everything goes your way, best giving them the role, worldview, because now you end up with an adult that has expectations But everything goes away, we know that that's, that's just not reality. So what ends up happening, we could be cultivating this development of a complex within this person, and they start solving their problems through dysfunctional ways. Because you believe the whole everything, you believe you supposed to have all the money, then maybe you will rob somebody, well, you will steal the you will do some other things, because you think it always should be that way. Our job as these young people not developing their view of the world, is to help them with that development. You know, we encourage them, you know, we want them to develop the courage of a you and I have to have courage to deal with many things to the stuff that we haven't done before. Even if it's learning how to play golf, I mean, the first day you go out and play golf, you're not going to be very good at it. What you have to have the courage to go out there, even though people may be looking at you saying, Look at Nick, he can't even hit the ball.

And maybe people let you have to have the courage to deal with it. This is This is life. This is the way we have to go through life. But we must remember, stay within boundaries, the acceptable boundaries of society. Because all problems have really social problems, their problems, because society deemed them to be problems. So up, no, I don't subscribe to the everybody gets a trophy philosophy. And for those that decide to do that, that's fine. But from my vantage point, I think we want to do is use all of those as life's teaching, moments and explanation, because that's going to be other things that come up also. So you have to learn how to deal with adversity, and how to accept certain things. And if you want to be better, then you move on to become better.

Nik Tarascio

Again, very, it's very interesting. I'm curious how How did Adler set the stage for positive psychology and you said something was positive motivation, which I didn't know exactly what that was.

Hallie Williams

Well, that's that's exemplified in the word that I just use, Adela talks a lot about courage. But what we should do is encourage people because sometimes, when these adversities come up, it can increase that feeling of inferiority so much, that this person can't deal with it. Because what we're trying to do is keep everybody to handle their life's task in a functional way, in an acceptable way. So it's about encouragement. You know, you you continue to encourage people, that's part of reason, actually a therapeutic approach. with clients, you want to encourage them to continue to do something and not give up because because you're gonna have life's adversities. So this is why Adela is looked upon as Oh, Adlerian psychology is looked upon as positive psychology because of the encouragement that we believe that you give to people to keep them motivated to keep them headed in the right direction. In a family situation, you could have a son, who was running track races, maybe he ran across country, and he came in fourth place, and he says he wants to quit. I think most fathers and mothers would say, No, you shouldn't quit, you can be better, it's about being the best that you can be. As long as you are the best that you can be, it doesn't have to be number one, or number two, or number three, is about being the best version of yourself. And again, this is all about life, going through life, trying to be the best version of yourself.

Nik Tarascio

I really liked that as I've never thought about the concept of encouragement, as lending someone your courage until they have enough of their own. That's a really, really beautiful idea. I've never thought about the etymology at all. So it's kind of a, it's a total reframe, for me of like, that's really beautiful. It's us having the courage to face the challenges of our life, our life's work or life's task. And in those moments that we don't have it, having people around us that hopefully have that social feeling and social addressed, to lend it to us and I start to see how the framework of Adlerian like starts to come together. I can I can start to understand it's very interesting to me. And I hope it's interesting to people that are listening. I'd be curious to know what at this point as we're starting to land the plane here. If someone's got their, you know, their their ears tweaked. Bellegarde, I'm curious, I want to know more about this. How would you recommend someone go down the road of of learning more about Adler or finding ways to bring some of the some understanding these principles to their own life?

Hallie Williams

Of as you mentioned earlier? Adler wasn't a Releford writer. He did write many books, but most people wrote about him. And you and I got together because of a book that you read, the courage to be disliked. And the book that you read which was written, you almost wouldn't know it had anything to do with Adlerian psychology or individual psychology, the way it was written, it was like a story that it was, you know, went through a whole life experience. But it talked about many different Adlerian theories there, it didn't go deep into whether it was just enough to spark your interests. That's a, that's a good book, that I would recommend courage to be disliked. It's also an expression that I use with people, I do a lot of recruiting and organization, I'm also the president elect of the North American Society of Adlerian. Psychology. So I do a great deal of time I'm traveling. And I teach a lot internationally, in addition to states, and I always see to be one who ask what, you know, you sit down, and you talk to Ed Leary.

And where you can get a deeper understanding is pretty difficult, difficult to conceptualize the entire philosophy in an hour's time, but by talking with somebody, there's so many other parts of Adlerian, psychology, lifestyle. And it's interesting, if I don't know if you have any siblings, but if you do, three of them, I would wager you, that your siblings that you knew when you were a little kid, as you look at them now, he would say, You know what, they have not changed much since they were a kid, yes, they do another thing, but it's still, they're still the same. Why? Because at an early age, we develop this worldview, we develop what we call a lifestyle, the way we see the world, it's like I am a certain way, people are a certain way the world is you start developing these things. And you maintain that, because it's comfortable for you not to change. And this is how sometimes people develop biases that they have, that they don't even realize, because many things are developed early. And they just don't change unless someone changes you. Also, this leads down the rule of pathologies, because many times anxiety, for instance, is maybe a safeguard a way that you have learned to protect yourself against certain situations.

So if a person, every time a person is going to do something new, they may get this HS feeling, because something they learned early in life, going into new situations could be bad for them. So they have developed this thing that becomes part of their being this is not a conscious thing. And they start having anxiety when they are doing new things. So when you know. So what a mad lyric does is I never tell anybody what to do. I sit with you a week, and I help you uncover those things. And what's uncovered, you will find a solution yourself. Because these things that we're doing, we don't even realize it until you talk to somebody, the best way to understand Adlerian psychology would be to talk to an Adlerian. But you could also go to some of the other Adlerian sites like www dot, Alfred adler.org is one way this leads you to the North American Society of Adlerian psychology, well, you could just type in basic North American Society of Adlerian psychology, and open up a web page and in a variety of resources there.

I could also leave you at the end of the presentation with a my email, you know, people could certainly reach out to me, and I certainly don't mind answering questions or for as long as it takes. And occasionally I do presentations on individual psychology beginning Adler, a variety of things which was, which is kind of like a teaspoon worth of Adler to keep sparkling beverages. Excellent. Well,

Nik Tarascio

what we'll do is I'll put all that stuff in the show notes, so people have all the links. We'll put your email and everything. We appreciate you offering that out to our listeners. And I'm curious what the last question What is your dream beyond?

Hallie Williams

That's a very good question, Nick. I was in Ireland. A couple of months ago, as I said, I teach in a variety of notaries and I did a glittery there. And the plenary was about a saving the world. And prior to be doing the plenary, many people came to me and said, Oh, so you got to save the world as you said, well, let's let's I can't wait to hear your presentation. But that's really deep in my heart. I think that if we have problems with society, we are society. You know, as we look at children, our method of solving problems with children Is to incarcerate them. We've been doing that for 100 pages of use, that's not solving the problem. incarceration. It's not so we can't keep blaming the kids, we are in charge of society. So things are going wrong is up to us. We can change society, we can make it better. We may be familiar with the butterfly effect. You know, you know, something that happens? Yeah, I guess a good example was Canada had some fires a while back.

And it was sort of smoke everywhere. I live in St. Paul, Minnesota, quite a ways away from Canada. Yet, some days we will get warnings not to go outside if you didn't need to sporting events will count. Why? Because something that happened in Canada was affecting me in St. Paul, Minnesota. We can make a difference. We can make a difference. One guy, Martin Luther King, use Adlerian psychology. You know, he spoke about this in a great speech, he gave the drum major effect. And he talked about his teachings that he got from Adler taught him how we should get along with each other. And one person Martin Luther King created a giant civil rights movement that change the country. Another Adlerian, Dr. Kenneth Clark, and his famous doll experiments, he petitioned the Supreme Court with the teachings that he said he learned from Adler, and this created legislation, that during the Brown versus Board of Education that outlawed segregation in schools, not the Kenneth Clark says, if it's anything that I know, and I'm paraphrasing him, all of the things that I know that I was able to present to him, I learned from Alfred Adler. The teachings of Adler, when Miss with the skills of particular individuals, like yourself, can make a difference. So my dream is that we all do our part, to make this world a better place for everybody might sound you know, magnanimous. But that's that's Marjorie.

Nik Tarascio

And it's beautiful. It's a beautiful share. And I though I wanted to wrap it up, I do want to touch on something that you told me once before, and I think it's worth noting is if we could just close it on the fact you know, you talked about MLK, and you talked about the other individual. I forgot his name was at Clark, you'll kill us Clark, Kenneth Clark, right. These are people that have had extraordinary impact on the world and our country specifically. And what I find interesting is that Adler you use the term about he was one of the early it was a term you use around how like he just cared for community cared for society cared for social causes. I think that that's also something I find so interesting is if you could just touch on that real quick when you mentioned it one time before I missed it.

Hallie Williams

I'm not sure which term I use, but I will say that what Adela did as he developed his theory is he went and lived among circus Pete. He wouldn't do poor areas of town. Because Adela was an was the advocate, and an activist. And he developed this because he looked at the disparities and inequities in society, realizing that these inequities, the antithesis of humanity, were supposed to work together. Because this is how we survive. And we're not we're destroying society. We're making it bad for everybody so Adela lived among he. So I'm not sure exactly which term I used at the time. As you as you could probably tell, I can, I could go on and on for hours, just talking, but it was about you know, him just understanding how we work together as a team. So he and he developed this from living, not in the in the exclusive big mansion White House someplace, but it was living, almost. Listen, I certainly don't want to compare Adela to Jesus. But it's almost like he lived among oral everyday people to develop this is theories. And you know, I think that's what makes him able to relate to everyone. Because on a base level. I mean, we're all really the same.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, so you totally hit the point of the head. I don't remember the word but I think even just touching on the fact that really he was he was an advocate and he was into activism. There's something really important in that because again, there's a lot of concepts of I just recently heard about Freud that he had a lot of ideas, but when you really looked at Freud's record, I think someone told me recently, he had only worked with under 100 people that he actually were a very, very small set and it was mostly Austrian wives, or housewives.

Hallie Williams

there tended to be people from the wealthier.

Nik Tarascio

That's right. So like, we have this very, very, very tiny, tiny data set that was used to be applied to everyone where here you have a guy like Adler, who's going to every aspect of life and interact with people from all walks of life. And there's just something to that a guy saying, like, look, yeah, I'm not going to isolate this just to my little bubble in my little circle, I'm really going to look at the fundamental principles of society, humanity, who we are as people. And to that, I think, you know, just some of the biggest takeaways for me today is just the power of embracing that feeling of inferiority, right. Like that is such a such an unlock for me, because again, I always thought if I feel inferior, inferior, I thought it was a complex just because I feel inferior, I didn't know that it was only a complex if I knock people down because of it. That is huge unlock for me, that second piece of understanding the power of encouragement, right, using using that desire to be part of that, you know, the social contract, the social feeling.

There's something really beautiful again, about this idea of lending your courage to others so that they can cultivate their own so that they can become who they're supposed to be. It gets to your point of like, most parents, I've talked about their kids, they said, I knew who my kid was going to be when they were three, it was just a matter of just watching them figure it out as they went. And I just think that's a beautiful idea. If we could all just lend that encouragement, lend that courage to other people. And the last thing I'd say is, if you are someone who wants to make a difference in the world, I would highly set about you know, Adlerian psychology, the alerian principles, becoming an alerian yourself. May be the tools may give you the tools, you need to really have an impact in the world. So you're not just sitting on the sidelines, you're on the court playing in a big way. And, man, I love this. I love this conversation. I love these topics. And I hope everyone is just as inspired by all the stuff you just heard. In the meantime, again, you could check out the websites, Alfred adler.org. We'll put a bunch of other stuff in the show notes, check out the book, the courage to be disliked. If you're interested in either working with Holly or just reaching out to him for questions. We'll put his email in the show notes. And again, Holly, thank you so much for sharing your heart and doing so much meaningful stuff in the world.

Hallie Williams

Oh, the pleasure has been entirely mine, I appreciate you. And one last comment that I'll make is that after listening to your closing statements effect, you're almost ready to start teaching individual psychology to yourself. Alright.

Nik Tarascio

Beautiful. I'm ready to graduate. Let's get it done. All right. Well, thank you again, Holly. I hope you all enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you received whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at

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redahlia-writes · 2 years ago

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chantress of anpu. | marc spector x reader (platonic)

Abstract: She’d come to the realization that death was the only constant in life. After many years, she’d gotten used to the idea - she didn’t mind. But she knew it was a heavy burden, to lose someone you once loved. She knew it left a mark on you that would never go away. She knew grief didn’t vanish with time, rather the person grew around it. She wondered if that knowledge was the reason she’d been chosen by Anubis.

Words: 3.3K

Warnings: talks of death and grief, hurt/comfort, therapy session in disguise

A/N: i will be 100% honest with you half of the things in here come from my therapist's mouth. i just need this man to find a little peace in his life

also on AO3 - masterlist

She’d come to the realization that death was the only constant in life.

After many years, she’d gotten used to the idea - she didn’t mind. But she knew it was a heavy burden, to lose someone you once loved. She knew it left a mark on you that would never go away. She knew grief didn’t vanish with time, rather the person grew around it.

She wondered if that knowledge was the reason she’d been chosen by Anubis.

The God had come to her when she’d started doubting her work, the comfort she tried to bring to those left behind: what good could it do to someone in pain to hear grief is natural, and healing takes time?

Anubis had shown her the good side of death - something she didn’t believe existed. With his help, she’d tried to bring comfort to those hurting and their ghosts.

The problem was that ghosts were everywhere: death was the only constant in life, she knew, because everyone experienced it, one way or the other. Only she could see it. Everywhere. In everyone. At all times.

─

Marc saw her at a hospital for the first time. Steven was complaining about how maybe letting Khonshu go hadn’t been that smart - at least he’d heal their body. “It’s just a cut, don’t be so skittish,” Marc muttered, holding his hand up in an attempt to let the blood stop running through the cloth he’d wrapped around his arm. He wasn’t sure how it had happened - Steven was making dinner, and the next thing he knew the table looked like a butcher counter, and the man was frantically trying to not pass out. That had been when Marc had taken over, driving to the hospital in spite of his spinning head.

“It’s a nasty cut - and why aren’t you looking for a doctor? We’ll bleed to death!” “We’re not going to bleed to death. Calm down,” he made a show of looking around for someone to help him, but his eyes fell back to the woman.

She was dressed in light green, and had a scarf wrapped around her head that matched the rest of her clothes. She was crouching in front of a blonde child, probably not older than 10, and her lips were moving, rubbing the girl’s hand slowly as she sniffled and nodded, her eyes red and puffy. There was something both eerie and comforting about the woman, and Marc wasn’t sure why he couldn’t find it in himself to move, or at least stop looking at her.

“Marc, what is it?” Steven asked, noticing he hadn’t moved for minutes. “I don’t know. That woman.”

“What about her?” “I don’t know,” he repeated, and startled when she turned her head and looked directly at him. It wasn’t being noticed, nor the fact he’d been caught openly staring - it was her eyes. For just a split second, they’d turned dark, pitch black covering her irises and sclera, transforming into bottomless mirrors. There, and then gone.

“Bollocks, what was that?” “I think we should go,” the sense that something was amiss kept nagging at the back of Marc’s head. It wasn’t often that he let his feelings guide him - he knew how to be rational, he knew how to act considerably. Right there and then, he just felt like running.

She caught up to him first, eyebrows knitted. “Hi, I’m sorry,” he froze - he wasn’t expecting this. A soft, tender voice. Concern in her now normal eyes. “Are you here for Holly? We’ve been waiting for her guardian, and -” she moved her gaze to his arm and startled. “Oh! Do you need me to call someone?”

Marc frowned and looked at his arm: the cloth was soaked in blood, and he realized his head felt slightly woozy. Maybe he should’ve listened to Steven and looked for a doctor right away.

“It’s alright, I’m -” he blinked a couple of times, the room spinning. “Actually, nevermind. I think I do need a doctor.” “Of course, come,” she reached for his uninjured hand, not touching him but beckoning him forward. He saw her eyes flicker to his side, and thought he’d imagined it for just a moment.

Before he could ask her about it, she’d let him in the care of a nurse. He didn’t see her again.

─

Not until a few weeks later. By then the cut was just a scar, and Marc had brushed off the whole thing as if it hadn’t even happened. Still, he caught himself thinking about those dark pits often. Steven wondered what was all that about, whether she’d meant to do it or if she was even aware of it. They’d seen their fair share of oddities, after all. Maybe it was just a problem with the lights. Maybe he was sicker than he’d thought.

And then he saw her again. The café wasn’t too crowded, so it was easy to spot her at the counter, standing with one ankle crossed over the other and a cup in her hands. She was dressed in green again, a darker shade of the one from the hospital, and the tails of her headscarf fell over her shoulder like a curtain of dark hair.

“Marc,” Steven warned, noticing her. “Yes, I know,” yet he did not move.

Marc waited. He knew he should’ve walked away, a part of him - perhaps it was just Steven - telling him to turn around and pick another place. But he waited, right until she turned towards him, a little smile on her face as the man behind the counter said something to her. She froze mid-step, her eyes widening a little upon seeing him, and again her gaze flickered past his shoulder. He waited for the black, but it didn’t come.

“Hi,” she had walked up to him and tilted her head. “How’s your arm?”

“What?” he wasn’t sure how to behave himself - the woman gave him a polite smile. “We met at the hospital, few weeks ago. You had a nasty cut,” she looked down at the rolled sleeve of his shirt. “Seems it has healed just fine.”

“I - yes,” he cleared his throat. Why did he feel so… flustered? Unnerved? Beyond the sense of tranquility she brought there was still that looming feeling of unearthliness. “I wasn’t the girl’s guardian - I couldn’t find you after, I don’t know why I didn’t say it right away,” he frowned at himself. “Yes, I gathered that,” she chuckled, looking right back up at him - a point over his head, then his face. “You were looking a bit green, I think you were justified.”

“I’m sorry,” her eyebrows knitted, perplexed by his apology. Marc knew he should mind his own business - he was done with taking risks. He was done with meddling with things he didn’t fully understand. But he couldn’t help himself. “I have to ask you something.” “Of course,” she nodded, holding her cup up to her face without drinking.

“Something happened at the hospital, didn’t it?” he blurted out, and she arched an eyebrow. “I didn’t imagine your eyes, right? I know I wasn’t that far gone.” “Marc, this is the opposite of walking away. This is diving right in. What are you doing?”

“You know, when that happens, people usually find an explanation for themselves,” she hummed, tapping her index on the rim of the cup. “Yet you sound so sure of what you’re saying. As if you’ve lived it yourself.” “Busted.”

“Can I buy you a drink?” she offered at last.

─

Anubis.

Marc didn’t remember Anubis in his meeting with the Gods. He wondered whether he had been one of the bound ones, or just not around. He figured a death deity would be pretty busy, whether people believed in him or not.

The woman didn’t know he used to be Khonshu’s avatar - it wasn’t that that had triggered her reaction. She walked with him to a relatively empty area of the closest park, and sat by his side.

“So what did it?” he asked, sitting with his torso turned towards her. “You said it happened other times.”

“Do you know who Anubis is?” she tucked one leg under the other, leaning against the backrest of the bench. “His role, I mean.” “He’s the one who did the weighting of the heart,” Steven said. “Did? Does? He’s also associated with embalming. And he helped put Osiris back together. And -” “Marc?” he shook his head at her calling his name, cutting off Steven’s rambling.

“Something with funerary rites?” he cleared his throat, and she gave him a quick smile. “Yes - but in the Old Kingdom, he was the main God of death, before Osiris came along,” she ran the tip of her fingers across the rim of her cup. “He never lost his connection to the dead, to the souls. As his avatar and priestess, I have that same connection - I can see them, talk to them, sometimes help them move on, if they want to.”

“Ghosts?” Marc blurted out, and she turned to look back at him. “You can see ghosts?” a chill ran up his spine, and she tilted her head just a little. “If you want to call them that. Ghosts, spirits, souls - they’re all the same. Lingering fragments of what people used to be,” she explained, never ceasing the slow movement of her pads along the cup. Marc felt a sense of dread grapple his throat.

“That little girl at the hospital -” her tranquil expression darkened a little and, nibbling on her bottom lip, she nodded. “Her mother had been sick for a long time,” she explained. “She’ll stay with her until she gets a little older. For children it’s easier to feel it - not that it makes it any easier,” she met his gaze, just a split second, and Marc felt himself bared to her, his chest cracked open for her to see.

“Why do you do it?” he couldn’t help but ask, voice lower. “It’s my job,” she shrugged lightly. “Even before Anpu came along - I’d been a grief counselor for quite a while. Can’t say he didn’t make the job somewhat easier,” at Marc’s little frown, she smiled again - there was a reassurance in that smile that made him feel at ease all of a sudden. “People recognise the words of their loved ones, even when I’m the one to use them. They find comfort in the familiarity.”

“Who did you see?” the words felt thick on his tongue, torn between desperately wanting to know and being unable to accept it. There was a ghost with him. “When you first saw me at the hospital, who -” he cut himself off before asking again.

The woman sighed softly, then rested the cup at her side before turning to face him, one leg tucked on the bench between them. “Everyone has lost someone, and everyone has someone with them. You shouldn’t be afraid of the death that follows you. It’s not a bad thing,” Marc tensed - did she know? Who he was, what he’d done? Did she know it was a bad thing? That the death that followed him was his own fault? “There’s a child. He’s always at your side.”

“What?” he snapped his head up, realizing just then he’d been staring at his cup to avoid her gaze. Her eyes were trained on his side, and even if he knew he wouldn’t see anything, he still found himself turning his head. “Roro? Is it him? Is he okay? Randall -” “Marc, look at me,” she called, voice firm but gentle. Up until that moment she’d refrained herself from touching him - she always did, unless people sought contact first she knew better than to test their boundaries when mourning. But she rested her hand on his, giving it a quick squeeze to root him back. “Look at me,” she repeated, a little slower, and he turned his gaze on her, wide eyes filled with dread. “Breathe.”

“Please,” he whispered, finding himself to be more vulnerable than he’d been in ages as he tugged her hand to him. It was one thing to relieve the incident in his memories, to have Steven see it, to be confronted with it - it was another to be able to communicate with him. To know that Randall’s conscience still existed outside of his own being. That, in a sense, he hadn’t vanished altogether because of him. “I need to - is he okay? Is -”

“Breathe, Marc,” she scooted closer, reaching up with her free hand to brush his hair, a soothing gesture that had his eyes flutter close. She caressed the side of his head smoothing down the curls as she let him squeeze her hand. “I can tell you what he’s saying, alright, honey?” the endearment brought him back to her, eyes opening and meeting her reassuring and warm smile. “But I need you to breathe. It’s okay.”

How often had she done it? How often had she held someone’s hand as they spiraled? How often had she brought them back to reality, soothed them, calmed them, held them?

“Okay, okay,” he muttered, blinking rapidly in an attempt to stop his head from spinning. He inhaled deeply, and found himself leaning into her touch. “Okay,” he repeated, this time to himself. The woman was rubbing circles on his temple with her thumb, never letting her eyes wander away from him.

When the trembling in Marc’s hand ceased, she gave it a gentle squeeze and leaned slightly forward, letting her other hand fall from the side of his head onto her lap. “He says he’s doing grand,” she started, voice low and delicate. “And that he is sorry,” Marc frowned. “What? Why? What does he have to be sorry for?” she squeezed his hand again when he started growing restless again, a little harder this time - not to hurt him, but to keep him there, preventing his mind from wandering away.

“For not listening to you - for all that happened next. To him, to you, with your mother,” her eyes flickered to the other side of Marc, and he felt himself shift away.

“He knows?” Marc frowned again, chest tightening. “He’s never left your side, Marc,” she was massaging the palm of his hand with her thumb.

“It wasn’t his -” he paused, then looked at his side. “Can he hear me?” she nodded, and Marc took a shuddering breath in, eyelids fluttering as he felt the burning of tears at the corner of his eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, Roro. You have nothing to be sorry for,” he whispered. “It wasn’t yours, either,” he looked up at her, eyebrows knitting in confusion. “He’s saying that, not me. Randall doesn’t blame you.”

“I should’ve kept you safe,” Marc’s voice cracked and he leaned forward, clutching her hand to him as his head fell to her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around him, holding him upright against her, shushing him gently. “I should’ve kept him safe.” “You were just a kid yourself,” she cooed, hand reaching back up to brush his hair and guiding his head to her shoulder. “What Steven told you is true - it wasn’t your fault, never your fault. You were just a kid,” she repeated, holding him tighter. He didn’t even ask how or what she knew about Steven - or how Randall knew about what he’d told him.

“I know,” it hurt as he said, a truth that he couldn’t find in himself to accept. “But what my mother said -” “She was grieving,” her fingers curled in his hair, and Marc tucked himself closer. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend he was young again, receiving what his mother hadn’t been able to give him. “Everyone reacts differently to grief. It doesn’t excuse what she said - but it doesn’t make it true. Far from it.”

“She’s here, isn’t she?” he asked, voice low and hoarse. “Yes.”

“Has she said anything?” “Marc -” she warned with a little sigh. He pulled himself up, feeling like he was ripping himself apart rather than just putting distance between them, and turned his head to her. “Please. Just tell me,” he squeezed her hand, a little desperation in his gesture. “It can’t be worse than it already is, can it?”

“She hasn’t spoken,” she cleared her throat softly, and Marc felt himself starting to crumble. “Can I tell you something? Something I’ve learned during this time.” “It can’t be worse than it already is,” he repeated in a murmur, leaning back. The woman observed him for a moment, head tilted again.

Grief, she knew, was complicated. It came and went in waves, delicate or overwhelming, and no one ever reacted the same. Grief was personal while being universal - it was what made her job tricky.

“Forgiveness is not mandatory,” he perked up in his seat, a perplexed expression on his face. “You’ll hear that to make things better you have to forgive and forget, but that’s not how it works for everyone. You’re allowed to be mad at her, Marc. You’re justified, even,” she softened the hold on his hand, letting her leg slide off the bench before leaning forward. “It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you exactly who you are,” she paused, meeting his eyes. “A wronged child. And, let me tell you, you wouldn’t be the first.”

“Personal experience or professional?” he wondered, tilting his head. “Both,” she admitted, and Marc realized that was probably what made her good at her job - for he had no doubt she was good. Her openness. Her truths. “You don’t have to forgive someone just because it’s supposedly the right thing to do - that’s not how absolution works. It can’t be a one person job.”

“It certainly feels like it,” he mumbled, and she scoffed softly. “Does it ever go away? Feeling like you have to make it right?” “Yes,” she nodded, then cocked her head to the side while clicking her tongue. “Then it comes back. Then goes away, comes back - so on and so forth. Once something has happened to you, it has happened, and you can’t pretend like it hasn’t,” she looked at him then, another reassuring smile blooming on her mouth. “It’s what you do after that that matters, Marc. It’s learning how to live with what has been done to you without letting it define you.”

“Easier said than done, isn’t it?” he chuckled humorlessly, and she nodded again. “I would be out of a job if it were easy,” she admitted, voice low and slightly amused. “It takes time, Marc. And when you think you’re done, you have to keep going. Even then, it’s never truly over - it’s just that you’ve grown around all that hurt.”

“I think I would’ve liked to have met you earlier,” Marc said at last, a murmured confession, and the woman smiled softly at him, squeezing his hand before letting go of him. “It would not have been the same. You should have a chat with Shai at some point, it’ll make things clearer,” she nodded, and stretched her legs. “Shai?” “The deification of fate,” Steven chimed in after being silent for so long, and Marc was somewhat grateful he’d been allowed to have those moments alone with her. With Randall.

“Right,” he whispered and looked up at her. “Thank you. For everything.” “Your brother is always with you,” she said, her voice reassuring. “You can talk to him, if you need to,” she picked up her cup, the coffee probably cold by then. “And you know where to find me, should you want to.”

─

Death, Anubis’ priestess knew, had a good side. It took time to reach it, and sometimes people would find grief so overwhelming they never got to it. But Death taught them it meant something to love, and in spite of the hurt it was worth it - after all, it was just a temporary interruption. There was more after Her. There could be growth and forgiveness. There could be acceptance - of oneself, of one’s life, of one’s past. And it could bring people together: in their pain, or for healing.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

- chantress was the most common title for priestesses - anpu was another one of anubis' names - anubis/anpu was the god of the dead, represented by a jackal or the figure of a man with the head of a jackal. during the early dynastic period and the old kingdom, he held the preeminent position as lord of the dead (though not exclusively), but he was later overshadowed by osiris - green was associated both with life and death. however, anubis' color was predominantly black - the headscarf is a veil, used in many religions, including paganism (it's considered a sign of modesty, respect, and it helps protecting the energies of the person who wears it) - shai (or shait) was the ancient egyptian god of fate and destiny. he was both a personification of these concepts as well as a deity. they believed that he was 'born' with each individual (meaning that the fate of the person starts by his birth), yet he (or she, it's interchangeable) was also a god

#redahlia #marc spector x oc #marc spector x reader #marc spector x you #marc spector x y/n #marc spector fanfic #marc spector fanfiction #marc spector imagine #marc spctor x platonic!reader #moon knight fanfic #moon knight fanfiction #moon knight imagine #oscar isaac #oscar isaac x reader

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loverboy-ish-archive · 2 years ago

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ok hi got back from watching Smile 2022 and it... was... a movie. :/ i don't fully regret going to watch it bc at least i'm doing Something with my time but like... some things bothered about it like i knew it would.

alright so spoiler-free warnings:

ableism. saw this coming a mile away bc the main character's a doctor so :/ although i will say it came from some of the characters saying ableist shit ("mental cases") rather than the actual narrative's message. ... I think. i don't know if the movie was going for an actual message or just Being A Horror Movey.

suicide. first scene (aftermath), hospital scene (happens on-screen And You Can See It), and others of other people (mentioned, shown post-mortem, one video that is Also Graphic).

gore and body horror.

animal death.

alright so. spoiler-filled territory under the cut (+ some more clarification, i guess. mention/implied past child abuse).

this movie made me mad actually quite early on lmao. there is one patient, Carl (who isn't affected by the curse, so he lives he's. Alive), and the interview Rose (the main character) had with him just felt... :/ "i know these things feel real but they can't hurt you" sort of end to their "conversation" idk that feels... like she's a bad doctor like c'mon that's not fucking helping "it's all in your head" type of bullshit.

and, again, other forms of ableism -- other characters calling Rose's patients "mental cases" and the like. -_- was that Fucking Necessary. i mean i GUESS it lends to #realism and possibly even a hint of a critique or an indication to the otherwise uninformed audience that the mental health industry is kinda shit + people should be, idk, nicer or w/e. i'm not gonna give it that much credit.

i don't think the Graphic On-Screen Suicide was necessary. i know it's a horror movie but like. man? on top of that there's also photographs of suicide aftermaths + one video of a suicide in progress. which... alright i guess they're not As Bad.

more petty i guess + poking at plot-holes but: Rose kinda annoyed me. just as a person. girl i know you're running on No Sleep At All + So Much Fear + Trauma but why would you show THOSE photos to your sister. ok tbf she's dealing with it (Badly) so i might not be entirely fair to her (and there was one scene where she was being a bit daft but it was a Dream All Along) but still. yeah idk i'm sorry Rose nvm (but also. the photos. why're you telling your SISTER THIS. C'MON.)

on a neutral note: i was Not expecting an actual monster reveal. the design for the creature at the end (at the Very End, not the Mom Creature) was interesting + tied in with the title, i'll give it that.

on a positive note? i guess? maybe it did have something to say-- mental health is a Thing, you can't really completely heal from trauma (and even guilt -- because Rose, at ten years old, let her mother die -- tbf she was scared of the woman), but you can try to move on with your life and heal as best you can. kinda undone by the ending tho, bc it IS a horror movey and they LOVE twist endings. ah well. btw i did guess it as one of a few possible endings.

the characters... i thought they were fine enough. rose's boyfriend/fiance, trevor, felt kinda flat -- or more like a stock character i guess, Boyfriend Who Doesn't Believe Girlfriend -- which :/ sucks (Even tho it'd be difficult to believe All That LMAO but still tho). ummm the relationship between rose + holly felt real to me, or at least believable. idk i don't Know shit like this + i'm not very coherent LMAO. uhhh i liked rose's therapist, she felt normal + realistic to me.

honestly i think apart from the things that Annoyed + Concerned Me it was an ok horror movie. i'd probably watch a sequel. i wouldn't recommend it tho :/

idk if anyone else has seen it lmk what u think (But also don't feel Pressured to see it.) bc maybe i'm being too harsh on it bc i only just got back like... idk 30 or so minutes ago LOL

#jv.docx #suicide mention #yeah. i wouldn't recommend this movie.#which is a shame bc i WAS looking forward to it despite :( knowing there was a Mental Health Angle (which is rarely a good sign)

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misslilli · 3 years ago

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Felix Felicis

MSR. AU. PG-13. | tagging @today-in-fic | read on AO3

Chapter 25 - 10 Things I Hate About You

“Guys, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I hate this even more than I hated the mutual pining!” Sarah and the two other girls that make up Operation: Bullwinkle are gathered around the big table in the teacher’s lounge. The door to Principal Skinner’s office is partially open, but they’re not worried about being overheard, they've got their codenames after all.

Holly sighs deeply, the sympathy for the fourth friend written across her face. “I know… it’s so awful. I can’t count the times I’ve walked in on her in the teacher’s bathroom, trying to hide the fact that she’s been crying in there.”

The third friend, Alex, is resting her chin on her hand and nods sadly. “Yeah… whenever she gets back from her therapist, it’s so bad I can hear the sniffles all the way to my bedroom and it breaks my heart!”

“You know, one time it was so bad and I didn’t know what else to do so I went upstairs and slipped into her bed. Held her till she finally fell asleep. What do we do, guys?”

“You’re right, S, we have to do something – it’s not getting better. I feel like it’s only getting worse! She’s going off on her kids all the time, I can hear it all the way across the hallway!”

“You know what I found last night in the trash? I wasn’t snooping, I swear, stop looking at me like that, Alex! So, I was just looking for my grocery list and I mistook the piece of paper for it. By the time I realized what it was, I’ve already read part of it and guys, it’s so heart-wrenching, I wanted to cry!” Holly and Alex lean in, curious about what their friend has found.

“What was it?” Sarah pulls a piece of paper from her pocket, unfolding it before handing it to her friends.

“Here. Read it yourselves, I can’t do it again!”

Miss Scully’s list of 10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you look at me

And the way you say my name

I hate the way you make me smile

But I do it all the same

I hate the way you’re teasing me

And the way you touch my hair

I hate how you look just so good

I hate the way I stare

I hate your big, dumb goofy smile

And the way it makes me feel

I hate the way I miss you now

And the pain I can’t conceal

I hate the fact that you’re so close

While not that close at all

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

Not even close

Not even a little bit

Not even at all

Holly looks up from the note at her friends, mouth agape. “Oh my God … Squirrel must’ve written it that one night with her therapist. I guess I knew she likes that movie, but to write something like that yourself? Heartache must be pretty bad.”

Alex rubs her forehead, trying hard to think of something to do to help. “Well… when we talked a couple of days ago, she did say that she’s making a lot of progress dealing with her past so do you think it’s time to give her a little push towards her future?”

“You mean revive Operation: Bullwinkle? I don’t know, A, this is dangerous territory. If we push her too far, we might break more than we fix!,” Holly takes on the voice of caution in the conversation for a change.

“The Moose and Squirrel Misery Show has gone long enough though, he stays away because she asked him too and you know Squirrel, she’s come a long way but she’s probably terrified of rejection because she pushed him away. Which is also why they can’t see the other’s sorry state.”

“Sorry state’s right, A, have you seen Moose lately? Because I have, only once over the past few weeks, at drop-off, and he’s doing just as bad as Squirrel is. His mother had to come in to help out with the little Moose!”

“So what do we do now?”

“I think I can help with that!” The girls jump at the sound of Skinner’s voice, none of them had heard him come out of his office, too involved in their conversation. They look at their boss in confusion. “Sorry ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and I think I’ve got a solution to the problem”

Holly raises her eyebrows. “How do you know a solution when you don’t know the problem, sir?”

“Please. Your codenames are clever, but they’re fairly easy to figure out if you know a few details.” The three friends stare at him, shocked into silence. Finally, Sarah regains the ability to speak.

“You know?”

“Miss Anderson, Moose, no Mulder, is my friend and I know a few things that you were talking about from seeing it first-hand. At one point, I wasn’t sure who’s taking care of whom, but Felix is a child, so I called in his grandmother to help. He doesn’t say her name when we talk about her but between the teary-eyed look Miss Scully has been sporting lately and your Moose and Squirrel bit, I’ve figured out who he’s talking about. And just like you, I can’t take watching him suffer anymore, so what do you say? Can I get in on Operation: Bullwinkle?”

Sarah huffs out a laugh at the absurdity of the situation. “I can’t believe you want to help us play matchmaker, sir!”

“You haven’t seen the look on his face, Miss Anderson, and you didn’t hear him talking about her non-stop ever since they first met.”

“So all this time, you never asked him about who he was talking about? Why?”

“I figured he’d come out with it eventually, but I also didn’t want to pry. Besides, I think he doesn’t want me to know that it’s one of my teachers because he’s afraid I’d chew out his ass for being in love with one of my ducklings.”

The girls hold a silent conversation between themselves, finally landing on the decision that they could use all the help they can get in this situation.

“Okay, so tell us about your plan, sir!”

“First, we talk to them, give them a piece of our minds that this situation has gone on for far too long now. Feel out if they’re ready. Then, we get them in a room together, not alone, with people around and we’ll see what happens.”

“Uh huh… and when would we do that?” Alex is dubious of the plan they’re hatching.

“The Christmas party at The Cabby Shack. Just get her there and I’ll do my best to do the same with him.”

“Sounds like a plan. Operation: Bullwinkle 2.0, here we come!”

Sad!Scully makes me miserable, too 🥺 I cried when I re-wrote this poem

#xf #the x files #xf fanfic #msr #felix felicis

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palimpsessed · 3 years ago

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Writerly Ephemera

I was tagged by @amywaterwings @mostlymaudlin @tea-brigade @effing-numpties @captain-aralias @bloodiedpixie . This is so cool, so thanks for sharing yours! ❤️

Per Amy: We add little bits of ourselves to our writing, scattering memories and places and phrases and things into our stories. The game is to find five examples of this, of YOU, in your writing and show everyone.

I don’t really feel like I put much of my own experiences into my fic, probably because I don’t feel like I have a lot of experiences to pull from. (That’s not me being self-deprecating; that’s me never going anywhere or doing anything.) So, let’s see what we come up with!

Going to tag here. I feel like I’ve gotten to this late so I’m not sure who has been tagged. Anyway. No pressure, loves. Just saying hi. 🥰 @theflyingpeach @bazzybelle @otherworldsivelivedin @unseelieseelie @wetheformidables @caitybug @nightimedreamersworld @foolofabookwyrm @stillmadaboutpetra

1. I have put the most of myself into A Man of Letters. I have my degree in English Lit and when I was in college, I was at the height of my Jane Austen obsession. So I sort of built my degree around the development of the English novel. My senior thesis was on a book called Evelina by Frances Burney, who was one of Austen’s greatest literary influences. Evelina is an epistolary novel—told entirely in letters. I love the epistolary form, for the same reason I love dialogue and texting fics. It’s such a fun narrative technique and can reveal so much about individual characters. It’s actually a bit like the way Rainbow Rowell uses multi POV in her books. Anyway, my love of the epistle was on full display in this fic, which is ofc told in letters. —Do I share a passage? That’s like...the whole fic 😅 So, idk. Here’s Simon being a disaster as he meditates on letter writing:

Dear Penny,

As I start this letter, I already know I'm not going to post it. I know I won't be able to bring myself to do it, because of what I have to say to you. I do feel bad. It's not that I don't want to tell you. And you know I'm so much better at writing things down than saying them out loud. It's only that I feel like this would all sound better coming from me in person. I just don't think I'll be able to make you understand in a letter. I'm still trying to understand myself. And writing all of this down helps me with that. Even if I'm only pretending to write to you, it makes me feel better, to think of you on the other end. I promise I really will tell you everything as soon as we're together again.

2. Also for A Man of Letters, my fascination with Regency fashions, in particular the dandy, was a major factor. I did an art book about this, comparing how fashion has changed over time, especially in regard to gender. (I also did an art book based on Evelina, since I’m on the subject. I minored in book art. 😁) I always fancied the look of a Regency dandy, so that was my gift to Baz.

Whoever has been working their magic on Salisbury should in fact be the person to whom I offer my eternal devotion. Alas, I am left to flounder under the burden of lusting after a man who is incapable of dressing himself.

The utter and unmitigated shame.

Salisbury wore a forest green wool frock coat that set off the golden highlights in his brown locks. This was accented with a green and aubergine striped silk waistcoat that was trimmed in white piping and felt much too daring a pattern for the man. (I don't care if he was a soldier; it takes a hardier man than him by half to choose a stripe like that.) His charcoal trousers were enticingly snug, but not so much to prove lethal. His cravat and points left much to be desired, though that likely reflected poorly on his ability to keep himself in order, rather than the ability of his valet. (Good God, maybe the man doesn't even have a valet!)

3. When it came to my countdown fic, To the Manor Borne, I had Shep make a reference to Cluedo, because Pitch Manor would be perfect for a real life game. Behind that, is the fact that my family played a lot of Clue and I watched the movie a whole bunch growing up, to the point where my sister and I used to quote it to each other. This was a way to pay homage to that. He also talks about playing the game Murder in the Dark, which was one I played at Halloween as a kid. One of my cousins was dressed as a ghoul with glow in the dark face paint and we were in my grandma’s creepy upstairs. Perfect vibes.

I’ve seen the kitchen and the dining room and the library and the study and the parlor. Walking through this house is like playing Clue. (They call it Cluedo on this side of the pond, because they like to be difficult.) (That was a whole thing. Do not get me started.)

I keep thinking Colonel Mustard’s going to pop up out of nowhere and brain me with a lead pipe.

And:

What kind of games do you play with magickal friends who don't have magic? Twister? Not with the wings and tail. Cards? Baz and Penny would cheat. Or accuse everyone else of cheating if they didn't win. Murder in the dark? With these people, in this house, I knew it would turn literal fast, and also it was like ten in the morning. Hide and seek? Simon and I would hide and everyone else would ditch. Snowball fight? World War III.

4. I’ve referenced Mozart in my fics a couple of times because when I was first getting into classical music, I was listening to a lot of Mozart. My sister had a CD of some of his early symphonies, and my local classical station does “Mozart in the Mornings” which happened to fit in the exact time slot between two morning classes I had my first year in college. I’d go sit in my car with a cup of tea, and just vibe with Mozart as my soundtrack. I’ve name dropped him in both A Man of Letters and To the Manor Borne. Also, Mozart wrote 12 variations on the melody shared by Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, which is a lovely tie in. (I also had the gang sing/cast The Holly and the Ivy, which is one of my favorite Christmas carols, and by strange coincidence was playing on the radio at the same time I wrote that scene. 🥰)

"It's a songbook," I tell him, like he can't figure that out for himself. "Did you know that Mozart wrote twelve different versions of the same song?"

He's laughing. "Mozart did not write Twinkle, twinkle, little star, Simon."

"You know what I mean."

"He composed twelve variations for solo piano on the French folk melody Ah! Vous dirai-je, maman."

"Sure. Anyway, this is for the violin. For you to play."

He's still laughing, and I'm trying to figure out what's so funny, but then he kisses me again, on the lips this time, so I figure maybe I'm still doing okay.

Only one more to go! What will it be? 👀

5. Therapy! Eheheh...😅 Look, it’s no secret the gang needs it. And tbh, so do I. Haven’t actually managed to get myself to go yet, and I think that’s where a lot of my “send them to therapy” happy endings come from. I did it in Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne. I started Chamber by Chamber with SnowBaz already in therapy, and then structured the whole thing around therapy that they give to each other and to themselves. It didn’t really fit in A Man of Letters, but if it had, I absolutely would have done it. I’ve only shared from two fics so far, and since it could kind of spoil the ending to Use Your Words (tho saying this may be spoiler anyway...), here are two snippets from It’s a Kind of Magic, Part I of Chamber by Chamber.

I've been working on articulating my needs. We both have. Ordinarily, I'd be afraid of pushing him away by making demands when he's on the verge of a spiral, but my therapist insists that I can't go on treating Simon with kid gloves. If I never ask him for anything, he'll think he doesn't have anything to give.

And

When I told that to my therapist, she said that I needed to talk it out of me and she'd help me find ways to work through it all. She said I needed to talk it out with Baz, too, so that he'd know how to help me when things got bad again—that was something else she said, that things would get bad again, and that I'd need to be prepared for that. That I couldn't expect things to be easy, and just go away.

6. BONUS! I think the biggest way I include bits of myself is in the AUs I’ve chosen to write. I have three I’m planning that say a lot about me, so I’m going to talk a bit about them here. There is ofc my Scooby Doo AU, inspired in large part by the fact that I watched it all the time growing up and also, my sister continues to be obsessed with it. When we were young, my parents were doing a lot of work on their house and we’d take family trips to the hardware store. My sister and I hated it, so we’d wait in the car with my mom and she would entertain us with “Scooby Doo stories”. Other AUs I’m planning? Troop Beverly Hills—please tell me someone else out there loved this movie the way I did when I was 5. It was very influential to baby me and I remember wishing for nothing more than being able to dress like Shelley Long. So, I’m going to let Baz do it, because I think he deserves it. 🥰 Lastly, tho it will probably be the first I write, is my Cupid and Psyche AU, from when I was heavy into mythology and religion. Since these are all forthcoming projects, I don’t really have a snippet. Instead, here’s Baz comparing Simon to Eros, which is what started my brain on that particular AU.

I am lost. I barely know anything about Salisbury, but I can't help being drawn in. At one time, I could have comforted myself that I was only so smitten with him because he looks like he was sculpted by Praxiteles. That excuse grows weaker with every encounter. He's the furthest thing from a lifeless tribute to beauty in marble as one can be. There is something deep and dark and feral inside of him and I want to claw it out. I want to see it, to let it free. To taste his wildness and his pain.

#tag game #writerly ephemera

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lonestarbabe · 3 years ago

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Strike a Pose

AO3

A quick modeling AU. T.K. is a model coming back after rehab and Carlos is an up and coming photographer. (lots of talk about addiction, sometimes using stigmatizing language)

It’s T.K.’s first night back, and he’s already in some hotshot director’s $15 million Chelsea penthouse, trying not to spiral as lips press against champagne glasses and long sniffs make his nose tickle. This world is a silver haze, the outside freshly polished and the inside tarnished. As long as nothing seems out of place, things are how they’re meant to be. He can ignore the itch to skip the façade of the party and head straight to the underbelly.

It’s not the first time T.K. has felt out of place, but he now has nothing to numb that feeling. He regrets the mineral water because it feels like he’s carrying a big red flag. He can imagine the over-delighted whispers about his downfall. It isn’t like these people hate him, but they like gossip more. Paltry entertainment beats fondness.

His sort-of-friends are a revolving door of curiosity, desperately prodding for the details under a guise of nonchalance, but there’s no good way to reduce a mental breakdown to small talk: Hey, hasn’t the weather been nice? I heard you’ve been working with Tony Burke. How’s your mom? We need to get together for coffee sometime. What’s this I hear about dropping off the face of the earth for six months because you couldn’t keep your shit together and maybe, possibly, tried to off yourself?

When they ask where he’s been, T.K. tells everyone he got a little too into coke and his parents freaked about it, so he had to play the rehab game— roll the dice, move his pawn forward, and make it around the board as fast as possible. He makes a joke about having a nice little California vacation. Heroin chic is dead, but cocaine pairs well with champagne and parties. Cut into neat lines with an Amex, coke’s as good of an accessory in the fashion industry as a $1000 clutch or staggeringly high heels.

His partner in debauchery, reality star turned cover girl, Gemma Holly, laughs when he tells her about his parents staging an intervention and strong-arming him into rehab. The story is true, albeit it’s recovering from a nose job, tummy tuck, and just a smidge of airbrushing. “My parents tried that last year.” She rolls her eyes. “They don’t get that everyone does coke. I mean, what’s the big deal?” Her willowy body sways as she drinks crème de menthe straight, and T.K. doesn’t know how she stomachs something that looks so much like radium paint. “It’s not like I’m a methhead or some shit.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” T.K. says, wanting to talk about anything else.

Cocaine is fun and sexy, apparently, but when you use heroin, you’re a junkie. Even heroin isn’t so bad if you use it the right way. Oh yeah, there’s plenty of heroin going around, too. T.K. knows a model whose agent told her to use heroin to stay slim because her thighs “weren’t proportional.” But that’s a practical purpose for heroin. It’s not out of control, certainly not. If a model shoots up heroin in a back room and there’s no one there to see it, do they really have a problem?

“I don’t see Alex here.” It’s not like he wants to, really, but T.K. has thought about it all day, imagining what he might say if they happened to run into each other. T.K.’s torn between trying to earn Alex’s love back and telling him off for being an asshole.

“I haven’t seen him much. He’s not with that spin instructor anymore.” T.K. bets the spin instructor—Miles, Mike, or whatever the hell his name is— fucks with coke without letting it fuck him up. He probably doesn’t draft texts for Alex at 4 am, trying to list the reasons he’s worth a second chance and erasing the whole message when he can’t think of any. He probably sees a therapist just to get things off his chest, not because he’s so shattered that he carries his pieces in a plastic bag, trying not to lose anymore or frantically search for ones he’s lost forever.

A face catches T.K.’s eye. “Who’s that?” T.K. asks, partly to steer the conversation away from drugs and Alex, partly because he’s genuinely curious. These parties are duller sober, and a new face is exciting, especially when it looks like that.

Gemma licks her lips. “Carlos Reyes.”

“Are you telling me that’s what I have to compete with?” He’s only been gone for a few months, and they’ve already found hotter new stock.

“Don’t worry, Teek, you’re still the hot guy of the minute. Carlos isn’t a model. He used to be a nature photographer.”

“Oh yeah? How’d he end up in the zoo?”

“We may be wild, but we’re fun.” She shrugs. “Maybe he just wanted a change.”

“Have you talked to him?”

Gemma shakes her head. “Not yet, but I know Marcus Bronson hates him, so I love him already.”

“That asshole thinks he’s the only person on earth allowed to take pictures.”

“I know, right? He’d piss on a traffic cam to show it who’s boss.”

“He’s a handsy motherfucker, too.” T.K. crosses his arms and immediately uncrosses them. “That’s what I’ve heard, at least.” He instinctually reaches for the aglet of his hoodie to chew on it, but he’s not wearing a hoodie. They’re great for rehab, not so great for parties.

Gemma purses her lips and downs the rest of her drink. “Yeah, I hear he’s a total creep.”

“I don’t think he’s, like, a rapist or anything,” T.K. says. “Just, um, just doesn’t understand personal space.”

Gemma gives him a look of pity. “Are you sure you don’t want any coke?”

“I just got out of rehab, Gem.” It wasn’t the coke that got him there, but he’d just as easily abuse that as anything else.

“Yeah, keyword being out. If you’re not up for anything too intense, I think I’ve got Adderall in my purse. It probably won’t get you high, but it will put some pep in your step.” T.K. considers it. It might not be the drug he wants, not even on the top ten list, but at least it would be something. The feeling of a pill sliding down his throat would make the party feel like a real party. He could pretend it’s Molly or even oxy. And Adderall is barely more than a sugar pill, right? Sort of like partied-up coffee. Doesn’t he deserve at least something for being a chip-carrying member of NA in a social circle where sobriety is a dirty word? It’d only be this once. You don’t have a problem when you only do something once.

But no, he can’t do that. He’s not ready to ruin his sobriety. “I actually think I’m just going to get some air.”

T.K. pushes his way out of the penthouse and can barely breathe in the elevator. When he gets outside, he breathes in the fresh air, trying to get as much of it into his lungs. He’s not a smoker, but he’d light a cigarette if he were, and even now, if a cigarette was handy, he might start a new bad habit. At least, it would be a legal one. He’s learned long ago that legal does not mean it’s good for you, but he’s never had much regard for what’s good for him.

“You okay?” T.K. feels a weight on his arm, gentle and reassuring. Familiar brown eyes look at T.K. gently, and T.K. can’t help but think what a waste it is that this man spends all his time behind the camera.

“It’s chaotic in there.”

“My mom would lose it if she knew about all that. ”

“Mine too,” T.K. says. She had been less than pleased when T.K. told her that he would go back to modeling. “I’m T.K. Strand,” T.K. says.

“Yeah, I’ve heard about you. I’m Carlos—”

“Reyes,” T.K. finishes. “I’ve heard of you too.”

“I don’t get that a lot. I’m kind of the new kid on the block.”

“I’ve been catching up. I took a break from modeling for a while.” If Carlos has heard any of the rumors, he probably knows T.K. was at rehab, but that’s not a topic T.K. wants to offer upfront.

“How was that?”

“It’s overwhelming to be back.” That’s kind of an understatement.

“It’s overwhelming to be there at all.”

T.K. laughs. “You get used to it. It’s a different pace of life.” He sighs. “I wasn’t as ready as I thought I would be to be back.”

“Want to get out of here?” Carlos asks. “My place is just a block over.”

“Awfully bold of you to take me home with you when we’ve only just met.” T.K. jokes.

Carlos blushes. “You look like you need to be elsewhere.”

“Will kissing be involved?” T.K. asks.

“It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“I want it to,” T.K. admits.

Carlos smiles. “Then, yeah, kissing can be involved.”

T.K. takes Carlos’ hand. “We’re going to have a lot of fun.” T.K.’s not planning on letting this thing with Carlos be more than a one-night stand, but the happy feeling in his stomach should have been a warning that one night wouldn’t be enough. T.K. could never have enough of Carlos.

#elise writes #911 lone star #my writing #word count: 1000 3000

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angelcatsiel · 4 years ago

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Ok gotta get this off my chest so I’ll feel better, likes and dislikes about the movie bc I wanna rant but also need positivity in my life right now!

Things I disliked:

They completely undermined Artemis’s intelligence. They cut the entire trip to Ho Chi Minh City, which just makes no sense to me, considering they did film it. Even just fitting that in somewhere would have made a difference and added to Artemis’s character. Artemis did very little of this plan by himself, most of it was from his dad. He simply looked like a smart bold kid, not a super genius. He didn’t even use his brains to get out of the time stop like he did in the book, he just managed to break it. This is all probably my biggest issue.

Root’s gender change. Enough said about that.

Butler. He didn’t play much of a part at all, and cried twice? Uh?

I literally saw pictures of the gold, and Artemis, Juliet and Butler standing looking at it with champagne. They clearly had a version that was closer to the book. They removed all those parts. I feel like a better version IS out there, and I’m upset we didn’t get to actually see that.

I knew Artemis and Holly would become friends a lot quicker than in the books, and tbh I kind of expected that all along in a disney movie, but when they did become friends, it didn’t have much emotional depth to it at all.

They didn’t get the balance right between making Artemis evil but also likeable, though I will admit, that’s a fine line to walk.

Angeline! She’d been cast. They mentioned her in the book about the movie. Once again, I get the feeling that there was a better version out there with her in it. Who do I have to fight to see that version?

Things I liked:

The whole scene between Artemis and his therapist. Sure, it was from the second book, but a lot of it was pretty much verbatim from the book, and I feel like it made sense to include it, to help new viewers get to know Artemis’s character better (which they definitely needed to do more of).

Mulch. He made me laugh, and I enjoyed the scene between him and Root. Also the dwarf mechanics... holy shit. Fucking terrifying and hilarious.

I actually liked Foaly, but we didn’t see nearly enough of him.

I found myself very much enjoying the entire troll battle, although of course I am very disappointed that we didn’t see Butler in his suit of armour taking it down. Hard to find the words as to why, but I just had fun watching it.

I liked Holly. Of course I have issues with the whitewashing, but she was badass and tough but likeable. In the book, Eoin did a brilliant job of making you root for Artemis, even while making it clear that he was not a good kid and the things he was doing were wrong, and you were kind of rooting for Holly at the same time. I was definitely rooting for Holly over Artemis in the movie.

I’ve talked about this before, but I ADORE the manor. I would love to be able to visit it in real life if that ever becomes a thing. It looked incredible and took a huge amount of effort.

All in all, I am disappointed. But I’ve seen people say they’d rather no movie at all than this, and I disagree. I still got some enjoyment out of it, and some things that made me smile, which in my eyes is always a good thing. I’ll think of it as a very expensive fanfiction and take what joy I can get right now!

#personal #artemis fowl #artemis fowl movie #and if i catch anyone being a dick to ferdia or lara i'll fight them #theyre great kids #yeah im probably missing stuff #artemis fowl spoilers

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mimik-u · 4 years ago

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Fragments III, 1-100

300 drabbles about Steven Universe/Future, 100 words each! These are the first 100 prompts and writer’s choices that have been fulfilled.

Asterisks are placed next to my personal favorites that I’ve written.

Baggage* — Steven meets his new therapist!

Eternity —How about a Bellow interaction you've always wanted to see in canon but didn't get to?

Foe —Jasper is simultaneously satisfied and yet left deeply empty inside by her self-isolation on Earth, and doesn't understand how to even begin to process this dichotomy. (So she doesn’t.)

Letter — Young Greg's POV when he wrote those letters to his parents Steven found on Mr. Universe episode.

Sword —Connie interacting with someone she doesn't usually talk to by herself (ex Jasper, Bismuth, Lapis, etc.).

Reconciliation — Idk about you but I wanna see more Mega Pearl. The others have not met Mega Pearl.

Marks —How about... Spinel, and the tiny, everyday baby steps towards healing?

Tangled — Peridot finds out/is told about PD/RQ? (And is confirmed in her guess that Pearl is fancy...?)

Challenge* — How is Steven’s TubeTube channel doing?

Bruises — Priyanka tends to Connie's wounds after training sessions with Pearl. [Writer’s Choice]

Rest* — Yellow Diamond gets to relax. (She's the one who most expresses regret and real understanding. Let her take a nap! She deserves it!)

Barbecue* — Post-movie, during cleanup, Steven and Lars talk and plan the BBQ we got a glimpse at during the final song.

Ghost — Yellowtail and Greg talk about fatherhood and how it can be ruined (mentioning Marty and Greg's father subtly).

UNO* — Date between Pearls (platonic or otherwise).

Height — The pebbles!!! They're so small???? Where are they? *Sobs, points at the Heaven and Earth Beetles.*

Embrace — Steven gets a well-deserved cuddle pile from family and friends.

Constructs — Bismuth and Peridot have a lot more in common than they think.

Horns — Amethyst makes an unexpected new friend at Little Homeschool. (Whichever other character you feel would fit best!)

Garden — Pre-show scene. While having a funny chat, Greg mentions something that reminds Rose about her abandoning Spinel, which makes her regret more of her choices.

Advice — Garnet can tell when Stevonnie has a lot on their mind. [Writer’s Choice.]

Hum — Yellow and her relationship with music.

Love* — Pearl considering her romantic feelings towards someone and thinking about how she's finally moving on from Rose. (Doesn't mean she'll ever forget her.)

Kid — A glimpse into “Sadie Killer.” Maybe when they played their first show, while Steven was still in the band. Celebrating afterward or a discussion on why Steven didn't stay IN the band?

Troubleshooting* — Integration of gem communication networks and Earth Internet and phone lines and the resulting inevitable disaster.

Fairytale — Connie gets a tour of Little Homeworld.

Hope — Jasper finally starting to let her guard down and realize her self worth.

Song* — As for prompts... Steg? Like, him in general, just being himself. It's a bummer we only got to see him in the movie.

Mistakes* — Steven talking to someone (not a therapist, just another character) about his trauma?

Forgiveness — The Topaz fusion reconnects with the Crystal Gems at Little Homeschool and apologizes for her role in the kidnapping all those years ago.

Visions — Sapphire and Ruby reflect on the events of "Together Forever." [Writer’s Choice]

Reunited — Maybe a scene where Yellow comes home from a long escapade and is reunited with a worried Spinel?

Beginnings — After CYM, Lapis and Peridot discuss where to live since the barn is destroyed.

Pet* — White Diamond happily announces one day that she has decided to take in a small creature (of your choosing) as a pet.

Together — What were Doc, Army, Navy, and Leggy doing during Future?

Desert — Steven meeting Lion from Lion's perspective. I dunno, I think it could be neat.

Freedom — For a post-CYM/SU:F prompt, what do you think about the exact moment it hit either Blue or Yellow Pearl that they were completely free to follow their whims?

Apologies — Greg apologizes to Steven due to the incident in “Mr. Universe” and both have the talk they should've had in that episode.

Change — Blue and Yellow Zircon's relationship has improved even if they are now rivals in the new democratic Homeworld. This last tiny bit is related to the “Homeworld Bound” episode.

Hug — Bellow cuddling. Yellow has no idea what to do, but Blue is loving it.

Valentine* — Steven gives Peridot a Valentine's Day gift. [Writer’s Choice]

Spite — Aquamarine and Eyeball are distraught at knowing they won't be rewarded for their actions because their worst enemy, Steven Universe, has been labeled a hero and royalty by the Diamonds.

Reevaluation — How about more Peedee and Steven friendship? Like, Peedee noticing Steven’s change in demeanor the farther along the show we get?

Camp — Connie kicking ass at space camp.

Family — The night after the events of the movie, Steven gets some quality family time.

Homestretch — Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth spend time together while preparing Little Homeworld.

Enough — We know what Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck are gonna do for their futures, but what's Kiki been up to? Is she gonna take over the pizzeria?

Spillage — Vidalia and Amethyst catch up after Steven's monster episode.

Reformation — White Diamond has learned how to be so extremely empathetic to the point that she literally becomes another person, but has she really begun to understand others?

Comment* — Sardonyx makes some Internet videos.

Unicorn — While traveling through California, Steven encounters two fishermen arguing about unicorns. [SU/GF crossover.] [Writer’s Choice]

Worry — Andy and Greg stay in touch.

Homerun* — I hopal for Opal—perhaps she will attempt some baseball.

Skydancer — Post-CYM, Pearl getting to “truly” take Steven out for a joy ride through the cosmos in a properly operational ship of her design.

Mercy* — The shattering-is-wrong discussion between Rose and Bismuth that led to Bis being bubbled.

Happy — Smoky Quartz hasn't made a self deprecating joke in a while—is it Steven's therapy?

Electric* — Yellow’s gloves—I feel like they’re covering something up, maybe.

Cake — Fusion Cuisine 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Belonging — The Rose Quartz sisters visit again.

Transcendence — Fluorite offers someone wise caterpillar grandma advice.

March — Connie and Steven reflect on changes in life after the pandemic. Not canon compliant. [Writer’s Choice.]

Understanding — Onion be doing Onion things.

Ocean* — Andy and Steven post-”I Am My Monster”? I love their relationship, lol.

Ignorance* — Does Lapis even realize Bismuth was probably the one who poofed her?

Reflection — Did I already say more Mega Pearl? ‘Cause there can never be enough Mega Pearl.

Possibility* — Yellow deciding she should try putting shattered gems back together. (She probably broke the most.)

Storyboard — Peridot’s budding career as a storyboarder.

Fall — Lapis and Steven talk about trauma and recovery. Pre-The Future.

Limbo — How the dismantled gempire has affected the lives of noble gems like Emerald, Holly Blue Agate, and others.

Now — Garnet reminds herself to live in the present.

Grief* — Alexandrite forms for the first time. [Writer’s Choice]

Inauguration — Wait, did Connie's parents ever meet Stevonnie?

Please — Did Kevin ever learn anything? Naaaaaah....unless...

Friend — General prompt? A sequel/prequel to this, please [White D’s panther].

Treatment — Greg starting to learn more about gem stuff to be more involved in Steven's life if something ugly happens.

Numbers — Pearl, please do something with all those phone numbers in your head.

Generations — Rose continues to discover the wonders of Earth, even after all this time. (No angst allowed in this one, just pure wonder.)

Survival — The Off-Colors used to have more members in the past.

Acting — How did Rainbow 2.0 even get invited to babysit Onion?

Kindness* — Former Mayor Dewey coming to terms with his new position in town.

Play — The Gems and Greg try to capture Steven's first moments on a bike. [Writer’s Choice]

Documentary — Ronaldo makes a real actually informative documentary about Little Homeworld.

Rain — Blue Diamond still cries sometimes.

Zoophobia — Also, I saw Z and my immediate thought was "Zoophobia.”

Echo* — Why does the tiny floating whale have Rose's voice before Steven ever heard it in the tape?

Sketch — Steven and Connie discover an anime character/mythological figure who bears an awfully similar resemblance to Obsidian.

Unironically — Why does Buck wanna be a doctor?

Club — How did Bismuth, Lapis, and Peri become such tight friends?

Nostalgia — Greg considers a comeback tour.

Pressure* — The creation of the Diamonds, maybe?

Coping — Amethyst and Pearl grapple with Rose's pregnancy. [Writer’s Choice]

Theatre — Sugilite, meet Rainbow 2.0.

Dadhood* — Whatever happened to Mrs. Fryman? IS there a Mrs. Fryman, or was it only a passing on-and-off thing that resulted in kids?

Lingering — Jasper finally lets Malachite go.

Human — Steven talks to his therapist about his mom, the feelings of before and the now. (It was left open-ended—his relationship with his mother.)

Words — Kofi is proud of his daughters.

Quest — [Letter prompt] Quest.

Picture — Sour Cream and Steven talking about absent parents and bad parenting. Post-The Future.

Bittersweet* — Shep finally gets to meet the notorious Lars.

Gemini — Spinel discovers memes and we're all doomed.

Weird — When he's younger, Steven doesn't quite know how to label the Gems.

#mimiku #steven universe #100 fragments!!!!!#fragments iii

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yeaahishowedupatyourparty · 3 years ago

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ROMANTIC CONNECTIONS

Where my characters are romantically, just to clear things up ad so everybody’s on the same page! This is ooc though because they wouldn’t necessarily vocalise it. ALSO, nothing is ever set in stone. If i feel like my character loses feelings or doesn’t want a relationship, I’m not going to keep forcing it so these could change. I’ll update when needs be.

DISNEY.

married to brody

she’s massively in love but she’s easily my least expressive character when it comes to feelings. i feel like pda and anything like that generally cringes her out.

she takes her marriage so seriously though, and divorce isn’t an option for her unless the relationship turns abusive - which it isn’t.

SORAYA.

married to julian

she is in love him but i think she also regrets getting married and doesn’t know where to go from this point because getting divorced makes her feel like she’s doing something wrong too

feels like no matter what she says or does, it backfires and people get mad at her so she just feels stuck, which makes her more depressed/unhappy with where she is in general.

RUBY.

newly single and highkey heartbroken

ruby’s probably my most emotional character after soraya. i think she’s definitely taken rosalie moving on so quickly personally, even though it probably isn’t.

she’s “seeing” dallas, but it’s a very loose “seeing.” they’ve been working together which has seen them reconnect but nothing romantic or physical has happened, they just enjoy each other’s company

ZARA.

with danny

probably at her happiest and in her healthiest relationship yet. there really isn’t much else to say.

JANEY.

with wesley

same with zara, except i think she feels everything so much more intensely because of her back story.

she’s in love with him and obviously his girlfriend but i think she’s working on making them more “normal” rather than him being her boyfriend, carer and therapist all in one because she lowkey feels like a burden.

LACEY.

single and likes it that way

she flirts A LOT but i don’t think she’s ready to commit to anybody

she’s always enjoyed casually dating and jumping from person to person. nobody’s really turned her head enough to change that yet.

also, she’s probably lowkey hurt by the fact her ex-boyfriend before she “died” has moved on (open plot btw!!)

IMOGEN.

with nate

technically

they love to play games with each other. their relationship is “who can hurt more and who’ll end it next” so don’t expect it to last too long.

she does love him though, in a fucked up way.

FLORENCE.

married to dom

easily, easily, easily the most committed out of all of my girls at least. i feel like behind closed doors they’re going through it and things definitely aren’t perfect.

BUT divorce to her isn’t an option no matter how rough it gets and she’d never want to leave him anyway because she’s so in love & he’s 100% good for her.

ugh

ALYSSA.

single

not with anyone and not exactly drawn to anyone lmao

i think she’s more career focused at the moment but wouldn’t say no to casual sex/fwb.

SIENNA.

single

she NEEDS to be single because if she’s going to use people to get to where she needs to be, then she needs to be able to use what she knows best to get there.

that being said, she does have feelings for scarlett and cares about her but sienna being sienna isn’t talking to her right now because she keeps getting attention from guys and god forbid sienna have to compete for someone’s attention

long story short - she’s staying single LOL

JACK.

single but he’s always on and off again with evie

i don’t think he’s as deeply in love as some of my other characters but he is only 18 so i feel like that’s realistic

he also definitely has an ongoing crush on phoenix but i feel like that’s him being super delusional LOL and it’s also more playful

in general, open to anything, but evie is kind of his constant

TANNER.

single

he is open to getting to know people HOWEVER, HOWEVER, HOWEVER, he is crushing on alani a lot. i think they’ve just connected and he really likes her.

again, because he’s on the younger side of my characters, i don’t want to tie him to anything too quickly but i do just want to make it known that there is somebody he’s prioritising right now.

ADRIAN.

open relationship with holly

i feel like adrian has spent SO much time invested in a relationship that he’s burnt out. he cares about holly, obviously, and at the same time he would like to get to know new people...BUT he just hasn’t got the energy.

i think his priority is haley and that’s as far as it goes, he’s kind of enjoying having dwight back and being around the guys otherwise.

PARK.

single

he’s fwb with yulia at the moment and they’re having fun but you know what park is like, it gets too serious and he’s out.

that’s all i have to report.

DREW.

with annabel

he’s so committed to her and in love with her

he’s not even looking at anybody else or thinking about getting to know people tbh. he just wants to keep building things and making memories with her.

LOUIS.

with lexi

they haven’t been AS close lately but it’s not like he’s not into her or wants a break or anything like that.

A) i just haven’t had muse for him and B) i feel like sometimes he just loses himself in work. so yeah! nothing to do with him not wanting her.

YANNIS.

single, i need to start using him more LOL my bad.

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h0llyalexander · 3 years ago

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@indiestarter

Open to female muses | !!NSFW!! Plot: Holly goes to therapy for what she perceives to be a sexual disorder. While she’s in the therapist’s office, the therapist’s assistant accidentally enters the office. As it turns out, the assistant happens to be Holly’s latest object of affection. (Your muse can be the therapist or the assistant.)

“You have like...doctor-patient confidentiality, right? Like, you can’t tell anyone about this?”, Holly questioned for the fifth time since she sat down in her new therapist’s office. She wasn’t exactly happy to be here, but she was desperate. Things had been getting out of hand lately. As she sat across from the woman, she took a deep breath and uncomfortably shifted in her chair, folding her hands together in her lap and looking around the room to avoid eye contact.

“Okay so, basically...I’ve been having this problem...”, she started, visibly embarrassed and hesitating on whether she should even go through with this. It was probably the most shameful secret she ever had, and that included the time she cheated on her exams. “I’ve been...touching myself a lot. Like, a lot. Sometimes fifteen times a day. And it’s getting to the point where, I can’t think about anything else. I can’t even focus in school, yesterday I missed most of my class because I spent half an hour in the bathroom.”

She closed her eyes, afraid to see what expression might be forming on their face as she confessed to her sinful behavior. “And the worst part is...I always think about other girls. Not guys, girls. Like, I’m not a lesbian, I have a boyfriend but...every time I touch myself it’s like something comes over me...and there’s this one girl in my class who I can’t stop thinking about. I used to pick on her all the time but now I can’t get her off my mind. God, what is wrong with me? I don’t know what to do, you have to help me-” She had barely finished that sentence before the door to the office opened and she entered the room. Holly’s face turned pale when she recognized her therapist’s new assistant - it was the girl from school. The one she had been fantasizing about the last few weeks.

#indie rp #indie lesbian rp #indie smut rp #open starter #indiestarter

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solastia · 5 years ago

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Tuqburni | Finale - Healing

Pairing: Yoonmin x Reader

Word Count: 5,308

A/N: Here we go, the “Official” ending. I will still eventually put out “Finale: Heartbreak” as an alternate version for those that wanted her to move on, as well as a small epilogue later on (will be nice and smutty and set in the future). For now, though, this is the end. It has been a very long journey with this fic as life often got in the way, and I thank (most of you) for being patient with me. I hope you learned a few things along the way. Each and every one of you is important and precious, never let anyone make you feel like you are a second choice or inferior. All relationships are complicated and communication is key no matter your dynamic. But especially so in polyamorous relationships. If anyone ever makes you feel like “the other” or “the third,” talk to them. If they won’t listen, leave. Your worth is not based on other people. You are worthy all on your own. Also, the weekly plan that my character follows is a real system that works. It was given to me by my counselor who I thought was a nut herself at the time, but it worked so well. I’m still working through a lot of stuff myself, but this weekly routine saved my life.

It had only been a few months so far, but it felt like a lifetime.

Seokjin and Namjoon had tried to talk you into staying with them, but you’d decided it would make you feel too guilty to rely on them like that and invade their space. Instead, you were now renting your own apartment. It came furnished and the lease was month to month so you could leave at any time. It felt nice though, having your own space, even if it didn’t allow pets. Especially once you’d been able to reduce Jin’s visits to no more than three times a week.

Taehyung and Jungkook, friends of all of yours and signed to the company you worked for as idols, finally came back into town a few weeks after “the incident” while you were still staying with Jin. You’d forgotten they were due back and only discovered they were here when Yoongi and Jimin both showed up with black eyes and bruised cheeks. You had assumed they came from Jungkook - who had always looked up to you like an older sister - but you were pleasantly surprised to learn they had been inflicted by his boyfriend Taehyung instead. He had proudly admitted it during lunch one day while demanding a turn at petting your hair, and you wondered if he too saw you as a sister or a pet. Either way, you were touched that he thought enough of you to try to “defend your honor.”

Still, it wasn’t like you never saw Yoongi and Jimin. You still had to work with them, obviously. Jimin worked on the other side of the building, but he had taken to eating his lunch with you, and you were usually joined by Namjoon and Jin so you didn’t feel too pressured. There was still the looming cloud of ‘someday’ that scared you, but without being forced to pretend to be and feel a certain way every day you were able to look at him in a new light.

The Jimin that you saw now was one that you had caught glimpses of before. He was sweet and kind, but quick-witted and prone to just enough wicked humor to make him interesting. Unfortunately for you, he seemed to also be a natural flirt and making you flustered was as easy as breathing for him. After a couple weeks, you finally started to flirt back and the results were incredible. He would blush and act so shy that he would practically duck under the table. Seemed he could dish it out but couldn’t take it. Honestly, you were beginning to really look forward to your time with him every day.

With Yoongi, it was naturally a little harder. Your first day back to work had gone a long way towards smoothing things over a little. Yoongi had actually dropped to his knees and bowed along with his apology. He apologized for the way he’d spoken to you that day, as well as for dragging you down into the mess that your relationship had become. The two of you had cried together and hugged, and he promised to go to counseling as well when you mentioned you had signed up to see someone. Anything, he promised.

“I’ve been horrible and selfish, but not once did I ever stop loving you. I think I’ll love you until the day I die. I’m going to work hard to deserve even the scrap of affection you might still have for me. If you decide that you want to move on, that’s fine. Whatever makes you happy. But know that I’ll always be here loving you and you can come to me for anything at all.”

Those words felt like a tattoo on your heart. A promise of forever if you ever wanted to reach out and take it.

But first, you needed to learn to love yourself before you could accept it. You needed to learn to be strong and figure out more about you as a person before becoming a part of something so complicated again. Maybe then you would believe that you were an important part of the relationship, rather than a side piece or someone that they settled for.

The first step was signing up for a therapist. She was a little pricy, but out of the four other people that you’d talked to before settling, she’d been the only one that made you feel genuinely comfortable. You were pretty self-aware of your flaws and why you had them in the first place, so it wasn’t like you needed someone to hold your hand and drudge up every painful memory. You just needed help trying to get past it all and get to a place where you were comfortable with yourself.

The therapist was chill enough that even you thought she might work for Jimin and Yoongi as well, and they quickly made appointments with her when you told them. You obviously weren’t able to know what they were talking about with her, but you’d noticed after a few weeks that both of them seemed a little lighter. Jimin practically sparkled whenever he joined you at lunch and Yoongi was quick to smile when he joined you in your combined studio, sometimes sneaking a coffee onto your desk that was just the way you liked it. He’d even started bringing your dog Holly to the office every day so that you could spend time with him.

Jimin and Yoongi admitted that several of their sessions have been as a pair since they had the added trauma of Yoongi’s prior attempt on his life. They asked you to come to a couple yourself since you were part of it as well. You were the one to find him and help him through all of it, and they felt that it would help any lingering bitterness or fear from the incident would be helped that way. You agreed and started attending once a month as a group.

She was wonderful for you, you thought. You never felt judged, not even when you brought up the relationship with Yoongi and Jimin and how it was handled. She simply let you talk and then asked you what you wanted. To close your eyes and envision what you hoped was waiting for you at the end of this journey.

Yoongi’s face was the first thing you thought of and wasn’t surprising. That Jimin was right there next to him and holding out a hand towards you was. You wanted this to work. You wanted to be happy, and you wanted them to be happy. Without you, if that had to be it. With you would be even better. Somehow Jimin had slotted himself a place in your vision of the future.

One of her biggest things that she preached was finding a routine that made you feel happy and safe while building your sense of self. She claimed it was an essential part of healing for many, especially those dealing with past trauma like you. That while many of the tasks she wanted you to do seemed silly or self-indulgent, that in the end you might discover more about yourself and develop healthy habits. So, she assigned you a weekly routine to follow.

There was Me Monday, in which you spent the entire day “dating” yourself. It was a little difficult considering your work, but the day was essentially pampering yourself as much as possible. You eat what you want to eat, you watch what you want, when you get out of work you go do what you want. You use that day to get massages or pedicures. She said it was to teach you that it’s okay to be a little selfish from time to time. That taking care of yourself and putting yourself ahead of someone else on occasion wasn’t a crime. It was healthy because at the end of the day no one else can live your life but you.

Try Something Tuesday was essentially what it sounded like. You take that day to try something new. You tried out new hobbies, new activities. Anything that you had once said no to because you were scared, this was the day to do them. So far you’d gone to dance classes and discovered you were actually pretty good, went to play laser tag with Jin and his friends, and started biking almost daily with Namjoon. Jungkook has been trying to talk you into going skydiving and the fact that it terrifies you tells you it’s probably going to happen eventually.

Work through it Wednesday was the day you went to see your therapist. You’d work through the list you had to make throughout the week of things you wanted to cover. A lot of what you went over was stuff that you pretty much knew inside your head, but she would drag it out of you and once it was out there and being spoken about by another person, it helped to see it in a new light. She covered everything from your abandonment issues to the fact that you had never fully put your trust in Yoongi in the first place. That you had always expected him to drop you at any moment and when he brought Jimin in, for you it was simply confirming what you had been telling yourself all along. That you weren’t worthy of being loved and no one would want you. When that came out, she essentially told you to snap out of it. That you shouldn’t let your anxiety win. There was a lot more to it, but you were working on it.

“Them” Thursdays were one of the more difficult days. Since she counseled all three of you and all of your ultimate goals were to someday find your way back to each other, she allotted you all one day to spend some time all together. Nothing romantic or sexual - simply re-learning each other and discovering how you work together. The first few Thursdays had been borderline painful. You’d all met in a cafe for coffee and awkwardly sat around the table. Jimin would try to talk about funny things he saw on the internet or some anime he was watching in an attempt to kill the silence, while Yoongi usually seemed content to listen while he stared at you like a lost puppy. When it was obvious that something needed changing, your therapist suggested other locales. Places that would give you all a shared experience and something to break the ice.

The spot that finally worked its magic on all of you was the cat cafe. On your first visit, it was obvious as soon as you all walked in that Jimin was in heaven. He cooed at and cuddled every single one that would let him. You’d never thought of Yoongi as much of a cat person and figured he would just lay around and nap somewhere while you and Jimin played. He did lay out eventually, but was soon joined by at least six cats that all decided he made a perfect bed.

“Look, they recognize one of their own,” Jimin had giggled to you.

It soon became a place of comfort for the three of you. Somewhere that seemed to make you all happy and comfortable enough to talk. You were all very careful not to make promises, as that’s not what these visits were about. They were about healing. About getting to know each other on a new deeper level without the pressure of romantic entanglements.

It wasn’t like you all weren’t still attracted to each other, obviously. There were still moments where you would be laughing and glance over at Yoongi only to find him piercing you with hooded eyes, biting his lip in the way that you knew from experience meant he was holding himself back from kissing you. Even Jimin would sometimes flip a switch and go from a giggling dork to running his hands through his hair and looking like sex personified as he stared you down.

Of course, it probably also didn’t help that - unless they were lying - neither of them had even touched each other like that in months. They claimed they were staying in separate bedrooms and didn’t want to do anything that could jeopardize everyone’s healing. You mostly believed them because Jimin was always free of hickeys or other marks. Yoongi always left a mark. This made you feel both relieved and guilty. Relieved because that would mean if you decided to start over with each other, it would be from the beginning for everyone. You wouldn’t feel left behind. But you also felt guilty because it seemed like such a selfish thing to expect from them. To expect them to not fuck around when you weren’t even promising getting back together seemed messed up as hell. However, it was Jimin’s idea in the first place and Yoongi had completely agreed with it, so you supposed it was up to them if they wanted to continue that or not. It’s not like you’d know if they did do something since you didn’t live there anymore.

After “Them” Thursdays was Friend Fridays. Once you began to talk to your therapist more, you realized that your life had pretty much revolved around Yoongi to the point where you hadn’t even maintained or started any friendships outside of the ones you met through him or work. Which wasn’t too bad in your mind, since that meant you had Jin and Namjoon as well as Jungkook and Taehyung, and they were the best friends anyone could ever ask for. However, your therapist recommended seeking out friends of your own that wouldn’t be thrown into the middle of a war should your relationship ever go south again. Friends that were just yours that would have things in common with you and that you could count on to be there for you. This was all easier said than done, as it was hard for adults to make friends outside of work. But you did your best, chatting up other people that you met through your dance classes or other activities. You had a tentative meetup on your next Friday with some girls you’d met at the park. Yoongi was going to leave Holly with you after work and you were going to meet them there and have a meetup with all of your dogs. It wasn’t bad for a first step, you thought.

Sensual Saturdays was...well, pretty much how it sounded as well. It was your day to convince yourself that you were attractive and desirable. During your sessions, you’d apparently compared yourself to Jimin far too often. You often mentioned how much more beautiful you thought he was than yourself, how you wouldn’t be surprised for anyone to pick him over you. How compatible Yoongi and Jimin were in bed. So, in order to help you cease - or at least lessen - how often you talked down yourself and get you to view yourself in a new light, a day was set aside for you to work on precisely that. You would buy yourself lingerie and walk around in it at home until you were comfortable enough to actually begin to admire yourself in it. You bought a huge mirror for the back of your bedroom door and played with yourself in front of it, curiously watching your expressions as you imagined it was Yoongi’s fingers instead. It was definitely a work in progress and you weren’t sure you’d ever be considered on Jimin’s level realistically, but you were beginning to at least find it more believable when someone complimented you on your appearance.

Silent Sundays was a day you took to recharge. You left your phone on silent, you kept the TV off, and you ignored everyone. You spent the day writing in the journal you had to keep for therapy, going over everything that happened that week and how you felt you had changed versus what you felt you still needed to work on. You’d also read or draw, sometimes write lyrics, maybe do some baking. It was usually on Sundays that you missed your little house the most, as you pictured a Silent Sunday spent there instead. You’d probably spend it outside working on the garden in the backyard. Holly would walk back and forth between you in the garden and Yoongi muttering curses as he built something on the patio. Jimin would probably come outside to bring you both drinks and peck you on the cheek before he rushed back inside to watch his show, not wanting to stay out in the sun too long. It was such a believable scenario and you could see it so clearly that your chest ached with longing.

The fact that Jimin was always right there whenever you pictured going home wasn’t lost on you, either. You were beginning to accept fully that somewhere along the line you had dropped your wall of bitterness long enough for him to charm his way through and you were as whipped for him as everyone else was. For every thought you had of Yoongi, one of Jimin followed soon after. You’d imagine Yoongi’s sexy smirk and intense eyes, then Jimin’s lips and strong muscles. You’d think of Yoongi’s quiet thoughtfulness and warm heart, then Jimin’s kindness and cheerful energy.

Whenever you thought of home, you thought of them.

A decision would have to be made soon, but you were pretty sure it was already made in your heart. However, in fairness to yourself, you were going to do one last thing. Try to move on

Jung Hoseok was an absolutely gorgeous man. He was tall and lanky, but with the toned muscles you were used to seeing on dancers. And his smile was dangerous - one moment it was brighter than the sun with adorable dimples, the next it was a smirk lethal enough to melt anyone.

You had noticed him around the company before, but you’d never really talked to him. He was good friends with Taehyung and Jungkook, and Jin always spoke fondly of him, but back then you were just so wrapped up in Yoongi that only him and those immediately close to him gained your interest. You were a little disappointed you’d never talked to him sooner.

He was bright and loud and quite possibly the most fun you’d ever had on a date. He was proud and passionate about his work, loved his family and friends, and was absolutely perfect. And yet everything he did, you compared to ‘them.’ Or wondered what they would think. Things like, “Jimin must love this guy.” or “Yoongi would be wishing he would choke on a bread roll just for a moment of quiet.”

All throughout dinner you couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t where you belonged and that he would never be the one. But he was so nice and kept you laughing with his hilariously animated stories that you couldn’t just bail. Instead, you stayed and ordered another glass of wine and giggled as he continued entertaining you.

An hour later you’re both standing outside of the restaurant making your goodbyes in front of your taxi when his gaze suddenly changes from friendly to smoldering. His eyes rake you from top to bottom and you remember that today was Sensual Saturday. You’d certainly dressed the part. He couldn’t see all the black lace lingerie you had on underneath your red sheath dress, but you’d unquestionably left little to the imagination.

“So, uh, it’s really unusual for me to ask on a first date, but...maybe we could take this to my place? If you want? It’s just...you are so fucking beautiful and sweet and totally too good to be true. I’ll even throw in breakfast, although I’m a shitty cook. But I’d make it up to you for dinner.”

“Wow. You have all day tomorrow planned too, huh?” You joke nervously. The two and a half cups of wine you’d had with dinner were settled comfortably in your tummy, warming you in places that made you think that just maybe you could go through with this. You weren’t blind - he was fucking hot as hell - but the thought of being with anyone other than Yoongi, or even Jimin, was terrifying. But your new motto of trying to do things that scare you, along with this being ‘Sensual Saturday’, led you to believe that you really needed to do this.

“Yeah, kinda pictured a day spent in bed, watching some movies, ordering Chinese...you can tell me to fuck off if you don’t want to or you want to wait. I won’t be offended,” he shrugs, his little grin deepening a dimple.

You sigh and grab his hand, leading him towards the taxi. “Tell him your address.”

His eyes widen like he can’t believe his luck and he stutters out his address to the driver. He leans back and buckles in before tentatively reaching over to grab your hand. It’s nice and warm, with pretty fingers. But even then you’re comparing his hands with Yoongi’s beautifully vein-laced ones.

The building you’re led to is a nice apartment complex - quite a bit nicer than the month-to-month one you’re renting but not fancy enough to make you feel out of place. As he excitedly pulls you into the elevator and onto his floor, you realize the light buzz of alcohol that was clouding your thoughts was slowly easing away, leaving the light thrum of anxiety and discomfort room to grow.

It definitely wasn’t him. He was sweet and funny and super, super hot - did you mention he was hot? He just wasn’t ‘them.’

You steeled yourself, however, because you owed yourself this. You owed yourself a chance to move on, to experience someone else. Surely this feeling would dissipate once you, you know, got going. People did this stuff all the time, why couldn’t you?

His apartment was nicer than you expected. Clean and bright, with cute little accents here and there that spoke of his colorful personality. It even smelled amazing, which seemed odd for a bachelor pad. Like citrus and vanilla.

Hoseok knelt down and helped you out of your heels before standing up to take off his blazer.

“You need a drink or anything?”

You shake your head, wanting to get started before you can talk yourself out of it. He smirks, obviously thinking you’re just nervously eager for him.

He walks up and cups your jaw, tilting your face up.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” you whisper, closing your eyes as he moves closer.

It’s a nice kiss. Slow and sensual, barely any tongue, and he strokes his thumb across your cheek the whole time. Any other person would feel excited and be touched with how sweet it was. It was like he was silently promising this wasn’t just sex for him. It only served to make you feel guiltier that you weren’t being totally honest with him.

When he pulls away, his eyes seem a little dazed as he escorts you to his room. Again, nothing to complain about there. The room is nice and clean, smells good, has a few cute Snoopy stuff animals laying around. He’s gentle leading you in and maneuvering you to sit on the bed.

His breath is shuddering as he slowly leans in to kiss your jaw and work his way down. You can feel a slight twinge of interest since your neck is one of your weak spots, but it dies down again once the expect bite never came. Yoongi was a biter and always left marks that you proudly wore, no matter how many people told you it was tacky. Your neck and chest were his favorite places to do it, so when Hoseok simply traveled around leaving light kisses and maybe a lick or two, you were nearly disappointed. Also slightly relieved because what if the boys saw a mark on you? You could nearly see Jimin’s eyes tearing up now.

Hoseok inhales and moans, making you jump a little because you’d nearly forgotten about him you’d been so stuck in your own mind. His hand slowly slides down and up, reaching under your dress. His hands are nice enough, but they don’t have the expert feel of Yoongi’s fingers knowing your body like the back of his hand. Or even Jimin’s - thicker and earnest to learn and please.

You cringe when he slips into your panties because you know he’s going to feel you’re as dry as a desert down there.

Sure enough, he pauses and his shoulders slump. He slides his hand out and peeks up at you. You can tell he’s forcing himself to smile, but his eyes are soft with understanding.

“I’m not doing it for you, am I?”

You rush to explain. “Oh, God...it’s not you. It’s so not you. You are unbelievably hot and funny, just so sexy and I really wish I could get out of my head, but...”

“Yoongi and Jimin, right?” You nod and he sighs, sitting up on the bed next to you. “Jin hyung told me not to get my hopes up, but you are so pretty and sweet that I think I lost my head there a little bit.”

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, turning to look down at the floor.

“Nah, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t make you feel pressured or like you had to come here with me.”

“No, of course not. I thought if I just tried I could...with you. You are amazing.”

Hoseok sighs and smiles sadly, twisting your heart. If you were another you, not so stuck on ‘them’, you’d grab this man up in a heartbeat.

He chuckles and helps you up. “Fine, but let them know if they fuck up again I’m coming for you.”

You blush and let him lead you out of the room. “Thank you, Hoseok. If it’s not too awkward, I’d like to be friends. Not like the bullshit line people say when they really don’t mean it, but really friends. You can hang out with us in the cafeteria at work on Monday if you want.”

He looks surprised for a split second before the tension in his face melts and he smiles genuinely at you.

“You know what? I might just take you up on that.”

“Okay. Thanks, Hoseok. And I’m sorry, again.”

“It’s all good. You can still stay the night if you want? I have an extra room and I promise no funny business unless you ask for it.”

You giggle and slide into your heels.

“No, thanks though. I’m gonna...”

“Yeah,” he nods in understanding. “Be careful.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you.”

You escape to the elevator quickly, ordering a cab on your phone. When you’re done, you lean your head against the wall and sigh. Honestly, you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing. Hoseok was incredible and had so much potential, but you’re you and you have to do what’s right for yourself. And given how much you can’t stop thinking of two certain people, your path is clear.

The taxi pulls up to the familiar little house and you quickly slide out after paying and just stand there, looking at it.

Home.

It still looks the same. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but it still looked like home. Yoongi still kept up the yard, though your flowers looked like they might be struggling a little bit. He’d forgotten to put his basketball away again since it was just sitting there in the driveway waiting to get run over. Jimin must have been sitting on the porch reading earlier because one of his mangas was on the wicker table.

You take a few steps closer, amazed at how your chest felt lighter with each one. As soon as you walk up one of the stairs you can hear Holly at the door, scratching a little and whining.

“Yah, you mongrel. What’s your problem? You too good for the doggy door in the back now?”

You grin shakily as Yoongi’s complaining filters through the door. Once you’re close enough to hover your hand over the door you can hear Yoongi shuffling closer to the door. Your heart is pounding and you can feel your eyes filling up and you fight to contain yourself. You knock twice.

Yoongi cracks open the door, his confused expression morphing into disbelief once he sees you.

“Hi,” you say breathily.

He gulps and quietly responds, “Hey.” Holly happily hops all over the place and does circles to try and get your attention. You smile at him then turn back to Yoongi.

You both are quiet for a moment, looking each other over. His eyes roam over your outfit is wide-eyed wonder.

Jimin wanders in fresh from the shower, running a towel over his head still.

“Who is coming by this late?”

You poke your head to the side and wave a little.

“Hey, Jimin.”

“Noona?” He smiles happily, rushing over to join Yoongi at the door. “You look incredible. What’s going on?”

Yoongi already knows. You can see it in the way his shoulders have relaxed like someone just lifted the weight of the world off of them. A single tear travels down his cheek as he smiles softly at you.

“We have to keep going to counseling. I’m not going to go back to the way things were. We are going to be better than that. We are going to communicate and talk everything through. If I’m the one not talking about something I should, call me out on it. This is going to be equal and no one is going to feel left out.” Yoongi nods enthusiastically and reaches out a hand that you eagerly grasp.

Jimin gasps as he catches on.

“Noona, you’re back?”

“I’m all in. With both of you, if you still want me.”

You hold your free hand out to him and his smile grows bright as he accepts it and tugs you inside the house before enveloping you in a hug. Yoongi shuts the door and takes Jimin’s place when the other pulls back.

He cups your jaw and his face comes so close you can see his lip trembling with barely contained emotion. He sighs and lays his forehead against yours.

“Welcome home, Princess.”

Jimin wraps his arms around you both from the side, placing a quick peck on both of your cheeks. You blush and cuddle further into Yoongi’s hold, feeling right for the first time in a very long time.

You know it’s not perfect yet and you all still have a lot to work on and figure out, but for now, this is perfect.

Because home was ‘Them.’

#bts #bts fanfic #bts scenario #yoonmin #yoonmin scenario #yoonmin x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin x reader #bts x reader #tuqburni #solastia

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