#theyre EXPECTING it to be in person after the first 2 weeks but they dont know and i cannot learn online. every time i fail the class

[the-s1lly-corner]

Can I request some hcs for Caine (and anyone else you want to add!) x a reader who struggles with really low self-esteem? Tysm~!

Caine x reader w/ low self esteem

lets fucking go we are posting at 5am! cannot sleep for the life of me!! grr! sudden burst of energy and motivation after a 2 week bed rot goes insane lowkey notes: reader is gn, short post, admins sure its written this before but its not sure + you guys know how admin likes to rewrite old stuff to compare and contrast writing progress stuff cws: none

hes either going to be hyper aware of it or hes going to be totally oblivious to it- maybe even both depending on the time of day... who knows whats going on in that head of his.. he seems to be thinking of everything at once... and nothing at the same time... hard to tell with that one....

but god when he is more than just a tiny bit aware of your lack of confidence? hes going to be going into overdrive to make sure you feel good- and hes not doing it out of pity or falsely hyping you up when you dont deserve or any of those things... theres going to be earnest in his attempts to make you see yourself the way he sees you

compliments are a given, theyre going to be cranked to 1000% percent- expect anything from him calling you the most beautiful person in the entire world to... stranger compliments that dont quite make sense... definitely the type to muse over you and go on and on and ON about what parts of you remind him of what

erratic but poetic, of course

and thats not even getting into the non verbal stuff for you... affection is cranked up, hes going to kiss you whenever you give him the chance and trail his hands on you- nothing dirty of course, gotta keep the circus appropriate for all ages!

adventures are also more personalized to you... you... may get NPCs that dote on you at least a teeny tiny bit or fawn over your every move- funnily enough this sparks jealousy in caine even though he... put the NPCs there in the first place...

[pizza-hats-of-the-world-1882]

since you're the most qualified person i know regarding dumas, i wanted to know your take on the bbc's The Musketeers (2014). i had a weird obsession with it a few years ago. how well (or not) does it hold up in every aspect (except for the main title track which is above any and all reproach)?

hmmm after long reflection this is difficult to answer because even tho i do in fact like the show, the only specific things i have to say ab it are negative, and i feel that doesnt fully reflect my opinion. i think the best way to summarize it is the show doesnt do anything as good as the books, so when i try to analyze it im just thinking "couldve been better" but i do admire their honesty in saying its "inspired by the characters" instead "based on the books" or whatevey. anway ill try to hit some more specific points:

they did my boy rochefort soooooo dirty!!! why did they slander him like that hes a very cool chill guy in the books and him and d'art have such a cute lil friendship in vaa, whyyy did they make him such a horrible little creeper #notmyroachie also what is adaptations repeated fixation on eyepatches? he literally doesnt have one

i dont feel as strongly ab the grimaud slander bc that change is funny as heck. he bears zero resemblence to book!grimaud but if book!grimaud decided to hunt athos for sport i would support him. tho i do think if they wanted to make him a villain they shouldve made it /him/ as a villain, not just some guy w the same name. or even commit to the bit and do an evil lackey squad. also its a tv show they had time to include more of the side charcters from the book [such as the lackeys] but didnt?? like this applies to others but im a lackey stan so i think of them first. its interesting how a lot of modern adaptations tend to minimize or erase servant characters when in some classic lit [particularly these] they are major side characters

ryan gage as louis 13 slayed immensely. he did not have to bring that much to his performance but he did and it was amazing

costume design was mid at best, and made all the worse by louis and the occasional side character wearing stuff thats actually in the vicinity of 1630s so that i see them and think "why not everyone?" i will say that they tended to have internal consistancy with each other so there is that going for it, but i absolutley HATED how the mouskos literally never changed clothes. like they got new fits in s3 but then they never changed out of those? a single cloth doublet im begging d'art got MARRIED in that crusty leather fit even tho his gf is literally a seamstress its horrible

calzone brought up that pretty much every woman in the show gets victimized at some point, which, yeah and it kinda makes the feminist monets feel a lil performative. also they fell into some of my milady adapting pet peeves: massive stat debuffs, made her sad ab athos, over-reliance on pop culture femme fatale tropes rather than her actual canon, etc. that one ep where perdita weeks showed up as a grifter/assassin and i just sat there and thought "that shouldve been milady. also people who think s3 was bad bc theyre butthurt ab milathos are wrong and stupid. s3 was bad bc of spiderman 3 syndrome [too many villains making it unfocused]

very uneven amounts of screentime for the mouskos? i swear half of the episodes were aramis-centric and maybe 2 overall were d'art-centric? make that make sense. actually fr what WAS the shows obsession w aramis, esp when they got rid of his more complicated and interesting book traits. hes barely even catholic in this, much less slutty and evil. all les inseperables were a lil ooc but i expect that in adaptations to an extent [tho i do feel they lost some of the charm of how wildly different they are from eachother in the books] the casting itself was pretty good though and i feel cabrera couldve done a good aramis if they had given him better writing to work with [also: hilarious how aramis spends most of the show in a committed monogamous situationship while /athos/ of all people has the three weed smoking girlfriends]

absolutely comical how much a bbc production went out of its way to avoid any of the england related plots from the novels. what, worried about even the slightest potential of portraying england less than favourably? tbh aside from dumas' funny narratorial comments england gets a pretty fair shake in the books, so excluding buckingham etc. in favour of making up plots ab spain is just silly.

absolutely loved that one time they went to the morgue to investigate a case they shouldve done that more it was funny. i think the show was at its best when it was having silly goofy moods [athos' "funeral"? peak]

uhh i think thats it for specifics, if there was something you had in mind you can ask and i probably do have a thought ab it that i just like forgot lol. anyway solid 6/10 ive seen it multiple times and am open to watching it again, like you said bangin theme song

[thephloxbayou]

Im so fucking angry.

I wasnt going to talk about going per protocol but this was so fucking lame it doesn't matter. It was never a threat or a blink on existence.

I went to a local vigil for Aaron Bushnell.

Now, a few things. This is my first time getting to go to anything like this. I have a sleep disorder, and I work nights. Usually activist groupings tend to happen last minute/you find out last minute. I'm far from Boston, on Cape Cod (I've mentioned where i lived generally before hence why I dont mind saying it here), and it's an ordeal to go even for fun. Things rarely happen on days I have off, and if they do, i probably worked the night before or have to that night. I cant take work off, im poor and its hard to get last minute coverage without my job being at risk.

But I found out yesterday about the local vigil. I rested up well before my shift, did it and came home and got very little sleep. But I could manage and that was the point, I could so I should. I had clothes prepped, black bloc even though i didnt expect anything to happen, and dressed for the cold and rain (its closer to 50 today). My phone was at home, my ID and house key in the car, parked some ways away and walked, only had my car key, a water bottle, and a few fruit snacks on me. It started at 1pm but I got there at 2 (lack of sleep plus making sure to eat a good meal just in case rather than run out on a near empty stomach).

I didnt expect a ton, this area is wealthy and white, but I wanted to be ready if anyone of color got harrassed because I have my privilege as a white person. Good to practice anyways. I also felt like maybe the gathering would have more energy, given that it came out that Aaron was a Cape Cod native. Either way, I was prepared to stand outside all day even if the rain that was forecasted was pouring down.

Well I walk up at 2... and they're wrapping up. Everyone (like 45 people) is standing around with signs, but theyre chatting and holding the signs down at their sides. They took a group photo with their signs calling for an end to this horribleness while smiling. I finally managed to say hello to the organizer, and mentioned that I didn't realize everyone would only be here for an hour. "Well it started to rain really hard." People stood around and talked about their anger at our government, and the horrors of whats happening in Palestine, then left because they were cold and it was wet (was listening to conversations and goodbyes. I was wandering on my own, everyone else was with friends). I heard the organizer talking about how he just vacationed in Costa Rica and was going back, then going to some other vacation spot.

My husband was surprised when I came home basically right after I left. I am so deeply angry by how comfortable these people out here are. This is not the first time Ive complained about that, i grew up with a hard life, we came out here on an opportunity, so I wouldnt off myself in the bad situation we had been in, and with his mother's help where she could (he grew up here). Ive never felt comfortable here because these people are living in a different world than I do, and even people who are just normal people and not some rich asshole look at me weird when I say stuff that I consider perfectly normal given where i grew up/class level. You're so angry over this, over the pain the people of Palestine are going through, that you go through the effort of organizing an event, and you stand around and talk about your "anger," and then you LEAVE after an hour because it's a little cold (warmest day we've had in weeks) and it's raining, which was forecasted and you could prepare for???

I havent calmed down. I cant go back to sleep cuz I already took my adderall which i need to stay awake on any regular day with that sleep disorder. I went ready for a fight, I wasnt expecting one but I was prepared, and expected at least a little energy from the group. But nothing. You accomplished nothing but making yourselves feel better.

I wish I could do more. I wish I had money to donate. I wish I had the ability to go physically support activist movement. All just like I wish I could during the summer of 2020. Im constantly torn between recognizing my position and suffering as valid and not a reason to beat myself up for not being able to do more, and feeling like I'm not doing enough and it's just excuses. But I just... cant fucking believe everyone I saw today. I mean yeah, i believe it, i know, i knew, but im just still furious. This is why we're in this fucking position people.

[cowedeakamatsu]

Ahem Ahem. Welcome everyone to yet another cowede peptalk about themselves cos... lets face it i have an issue. (part 2)

so i should be happy right ? to restart with X. NOPE because here its actively them who say "no its not good i dont want to play that anymore because i dont feel like it" and so you must come out with a "new idea" that is checklisting aaaaaaaaaall their kinks. I try to push out a bit of what i liked i first to them, like the creative way of talking, the lewd overexagerated dirt talk. the teasing at least a bit since i know they can do it. But nope, nope nope nope. i get a bit of that, but must play characters that instant get corrupted and either harem or "1 girl then a bunch" and guess what EACH TIME they get bored about it 3 actions in, dont respond for weeks (and guilt trip me if i try to make them respond) and then they dont feel like it anymore because they have dimentia. but they KEEP pushing to get a rp. oh but cowede! you silly you, just do what you do best! flirt talk passively, send them lewd pics and ai works of your making, and just have a friendly conversation with them and try to be nice! NOPE (getting used to it?) because if I do that ? they complain that we dont rp and that they want to fuck characters. So since youre cowede, horny lil cowede, youre like "yeah you know what fuck yeah" because if you dont youre just not fun and not nice. and it starts over and over again. they passively manipulate you which you clearly see. but you dont care because you want to be the nice person and not hurt a person who has a mental illiness. a bit of a cut, but those close to me on the cowede side of my life know i havent.. have a good 2 last months. nothing horrible happened, outside of some health (chill, its not too problematic, just a skin disease crisis that got very annoying for a while and did left some marks but they are pretty discrete and its not really a issue anymore) and weird overwork periods. but basically ? ive just felt down for a long time. technically last year was the same, but here it felt even worse. I would get emotional over nothing, couldnt muster the strength to live up from bed sometime. and of course it showed on the cowede side too. I dont want to be a gloom person, especially on the cowede side, i want to be this cheerfull cheeky, kinda insane but overall good little presence that make other people happy, because i have a need for validation thats not met irl due to how much i dont really deliver to expectations, so i tried to mask it but did a very bad job (and i knew it, it was clearly a cry for help. I even did something like... a week or 2 ago had a bit of a breakdown upon waking up one day, i saw the great @carnyreborn was back and that my good friend "stupid name on discord" made them a funny ask joke, and wanted to do the same because at some point in the past i did talk quite a bit with carny, not really much after that cos their end their a busy popular person on the lewd side, and seem to manage correctly (congrats goat and if not, dont worry youll get them!) on the life side and on my end, well aside from ai lewds i dont have much to give so we kinda both stoped talking to each other. But anway theyre someone i respect tons, and whos probably the main reason while im here cos they inspired me. but my "aha funny ask" turned into a mental breakdown halfway through and i said... very worrying things about me cause I desesperately needed someone to acknowledge how i felt, but i worried them and i felt super bad for it.) but a bit after this moment I had a sort of... revival ? loosing my account surpringly help too and this week i finally felt some good ol actual real cowede libido and cheeky spirit back. and dare i say ? i'm happy ? i still have issues to settle here and there. but at least on the cowede side im doing fine and thats great. (part 3 comming)

[genlossneg]

ok. i didnt mind genloss, it was ranboos first massive project, theyre only 19 and a streamer, ok. but oh my god would it kill to take an improv class. the first 2 episodes felt like an snl skit. especially when it was branded as original and then was just some sort of frankenstein of different horror tropes from ranboos favourite horror media, that just reminded me of snl stealing joel havers skit lmao.

there were so much issues with it and i feel like i wouldnt mind as much if it was branded as a horror comedy a few months before the show, not 3 days before the show. a few months before and the weeks leading up to may 24th, it was branded as "you arent ready for this. this is groundbreaking, nothing will ever be the same after this show. this is serious." etc and then i think it was like 3 days before may 24th there was that fucking showfall media psa that just felt like ranboo saying "oh btw its a comedy" without warning it caught me so off gaurd lmao.

then he streamed after that sfm psa released and, if i remember right, people were asking about it being a horror comedy in chat and ranboo was like "well yeah obviously did u think id make a project 100% serious? no lol" (dont quote me on that though its been a while) now theyre saying gen 0 and gen 2 are going to be completely horror now, but i dont think thats true bc they also said gen 1 was mostly horror and none of it is

speaking of, the advertising was just lies lol. the whole "little to no filler :D" thing. it wasnt like ranboo didnt expect the improv to last that long bc the expected runtimes (from their tumblr post on may 23rd i think) were sometimes longer than the actual ones. 1st ep was meant to be 1-2 hours, it was 1 and a half, so that much filler and standing around going "what the hell man" was PLANNED. they just lied about no filler to make people excited. just be funny and i wont mind the filler. i like sneegs humour in his streams but here he was just bickering with ranboo. same with ranboo to charlie, charlie was the only one making actual jokes so when ranboo and sneeg were alone it was just "wait so why didnt you just-" "well idk i thought u woul-" "well why would i-" and when i tell you it drained my soul.

ive been a massive ranboo fan for about a year (im recovering dw), and after the game theory episode i got really hyperfixated on genloss (up until the sfm keynote thing i think). i was hyped for it back when T_1 was the only thing released for genloss, and followed it all the way up to the streams. i watched them live and my face was just like 😐 I WAS SO DISSAPPOINTED LMAOOO

the box being 18k pissed me off so much bc an experienced filmmaker/writer/director could make something so much better than genloss with just that 18k. i aspire to make my own live action thing one day, and like, hearing them go "oh yeah the box was 18k and jermas face prosthetics were 10k teehee🤪🤪" was just. AAAAA. and the thing is, like the prosthetics were funny, but spending TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS as a BIT from jerma going "what if i took off the mask and it just doesnt look like me lol" then framing urself as jesus christ and a victim. i am so mad.

idk how to feel about ranboo anymore, i used to watch like every 2nd stream for a while but then the whole "GUYS BUY MY MERCH also racism bad MERCH!!!!! BUY!!!!" thing made me rethink lol. the racist and misogynistic undertones in genloss made me so uncomfy, and while im not poc so i cant speak on that, i have enough sense to know that having the only poc in the entire show play evil rats is so tone deaf.

and niki!! i was worried when the teasers were coming out bc every single person shown in it was a white guy (and a white enby), so i was kind of happier when niki showed up, but then she died within the hour to "commentate on misogyny in media". ranboo thought that he was commentating on misogyny by contributing to it. did they think this through at all. i would have LOVED if they did something special with niki and something powerful, but all that happened was she showed up, cried, then died and now ranboo fans are going "ranboo was so real for this!!!". ik niki had control over her characters writing but im sure ranboo was the one who decided when certain characters died and stuff.

also i hate to say this but the mask flashing to signify if he was in control or not was EXACTLY like a thing in the undertale fanfic (sfw im not weird) i wrote when i was 12 💀💀the characters eyes would flash when they were under control bc edgy. it was so weird watching genloss with that in the back of my mind 💀💀💀💀

in conlusion, genloss had so many flaws and so much easy fixes that it just feels so sososososososo rushed. another year in the oven wouldve been ok i think.

woah this is long im so sorry i do not think only type oops

- the i feel like i should label what kind of anon i am lmao anon

sorry before i get to anything else the undertale bit caught me so off guard omg.

anyways.

it wasnt like ranboo didnt expect the improv to last that long bc the expected runtimes (from their tumblr post on may 23rd i think) were sometimes longer than the actual ones. 1st ep was meant to be 1-2 hours, it was 1 and a half, so that much filler and standing around going "what the hell man" was PLANNED.

this!! the way the second stream just.. dragged was so rough.

the poc/women diversity discussion is something we had on the blog a bit ago as im sure you've seen so i don't have a ton to add but. yeah there were certainly choices that got made there.

very much enjoying all the essays getting dropped in here (even if i feel like my responses are weak sometimes lmao)

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[dirtmunch]

when i get involved w peopel i always very quickly get the sense that the other person likes me a lot more than i like them which makes me feel so uneasy and uncomfortable and guilty, like im puttin on an act and trying not to get caught. but also like mad that theyre over interpreting how i interract w them and assuming its the same head over heelsness as theyre feeling, like theyr eputting words in my mouth :/ its not as if i dislike them at all, but i can tell they are way more invested in me than i am them :( i feel like im deficient in that sense and can never rlly feel true love or attraction like that wholesale like other ppl seem to be able to and ill never find true love bc of it ughhhhh.

but the one time i DO feel genine yearning and love and affection to someone its w a girl itll never happen w cuz she moved ;O; she was a grad student in print n me and a couple otehr print gworls got super close, but i graduated before them and i felt like they didnt give a shit about me after even tho i tried so hard to keep up the connection. she graduated in may n recently moved outta state fir work next i see shes made an insta post talking abt another girl in the group as her best friend n how grateful she was to have met her and im just like :’‘‘‘‘‘‘( so jealous and sad and mad at happenstance that i happened to graduate when i had to and they still didnt and because fo this someone else became the closest one to her.... like the one time i feel like im feeling actual love this is what happensssssssss but what can i do abt it!!!!! im also so mad ive been made to feel liek such an outsider and scrapped by ppl just bc i moved like... slightly farther away. liek they never responded to texts never tried to reciprocate when i tried making plans never tried to reach out first to make plans w me themselves

makes me feel awful bc im dating a rlly nice girl rn, we ARE explicitly open and casual bc we r both moving in 2 weeks n knew we’d have to split at the end of the summer but i just find myself thinking abt how much fun and geuine joy and how relaxed id be having if i was with the other girl and how i could actually b myself instead of putting on the act in front of my gf bc she expects the same amout of love she feels towards me *from* me. but i also feel like my gf and i are dating more out of proximity and convenience cuz we’re both 20 somns living at home w parents in the burbs, but i dont think she rlly gets me in the way i know the other girl does and has. like we like each other but at a fundamental level dont mesh. somethign somethign divergent evolution of a twitter user vs a lifelong tumblr girlie.

when i think of the other girl i want to cook for her bc i love how happy she looks when she eats the food i make, i wanna talk about dumb shit without putting on the front i have to w my gf so she doesnt feel totally confused, i wanna crochet for her i wanna decorate for her but its never happening!!!!!!!!!

[zombieslab]

okay so the short version is it was 2021 and we were dream smp fans. which isnt Actually why it fell apart but it should give you a pretty good idea of the kind of people we were. the long (and i mean LONG im the yappertron 3000) version is under the cut. brace yourselves

disclaimer 1: while its pretty much impossible for any of the people im talking about to find this and if they somehow do they will immediately recognise im talking about them i still dont feel comfortable calling them by their actual names so initials it is

disclaimer 2: almost everyone involved in this was a kid at the time and i dont actually hate any of them. we were all being dumb on the internet and i hope theyre all doing great right now. the youngest people on the server were me and another 13 year old and the oldest person was 17. there was only one adult involved which. trust me we will get to. but most people were like 14-15 we were just stupid kids and it was all very unserious

disclaimer 3: this isnt really a disclaimer but i do need to mention that almost all of this was happening on a social media that you probably have never heard of because no one really uses it outside of the country im from. i think its kind of similar to facebook but ive never used facebook so idk

ANYWAY let me set the scene. its june 2021. im 13 about to turn 14 later that summer. about 4 months ago i started watching the dream smp and i am still completely obsessed with it. i also just finished my first year being homeschooled (i was homeschooled for two years in total and it sucked) which caused me to drift apart from what little friends i had. i have basically zero social skills and an incredibly bad anxiety disorder like to the point where even the idea of talking to someone who isnt my mom or sister sent me into a panic attack. i was Struggling and talking to people online wasnt any easier

with that in mind i opened the unnamed social media platform i mentioned earlier and decided to risk it and joined a public group chat for dream smp fans. i had done it a few times before with different fandoms but never really talked in any of them because as i said i was really struggling with my anxiety at the time and i had no reason to think it would be any different this time. but it was! im still not sure why but i actually had a really good time chatting with the people in that gc

at some point in the conversation someone jokingly suggested we should make our own server with lore like the dsmp. we all laughed but then one guy which we'll call s said Hey! thats a good idea! lets do that! fun fact im the one who suggested the name gay gay homosexual gay smp. i dont remember what compelled me to do that but everyone thought it was really funny

the next morning i woke up to find i had been added to another group chat. since it all started in a random gc for dsmp fans we figured we should make a separate one for the server so as to not annoy everyone else. the server was launched and we were having fun! notable people on the server at that point were s (he/they), t (she/her), j (he/they), g (he/him), l (she/her), p (he/him), and r (she/they). and me ❤️

for a while we were just kind of having fun playing on the server. s and j adopted me as their kid because i was the youngest person on the server (they were both like a few months older than me). lore was also slowly being written. out plan wasnt to roleplay and improvise as you would probably expect on a minecradt server instead we wanted to first write down the lore and then act it out because. reasons? im still not sure why we did that i wasnt really involved in the lore aside from being vaguely allied with the unit. the unit was a team consisting of s, t, k (another member who was invited to the server about a week after the start) & j. This Will Be Important Later

okay so remember how i said there was only one adult ever involved in this.. so that was. the weirdest part of all of this. i still have no fucking clue what any of that was but its one of my favourite stories to tell because its really funny in hindsight

so about two or three weeks into the server r sends us a screenshot of some random guy named n asking her if he can join our server. r asks us if any of us has said anything about the server publicly because we had all agreed prior that we wouldnt do that since we didnt want to add any new members that none of us knew personally. n wasnt in the original gc that the server spawned from. no one on the server has any idea who the fuck this guy is but everyone is really curious what his deal is so we decide to add him to talk

important note: we add him to the server gc but not to the original dsmp fan gc which we use to talk about him behind his back. cant imagine how confusing it must have been for the normal people there who knew nothing about our server and just wanted to talk about the dsmp

anyway we're talking to n and he is giving everyone really bad vibes. nothing specific just Vibes. he logs onto the server because at that point we didnt have a whitelist and the ip was just in the pinned message. everyone gets scared shitless because of n's Bad Vibes. a lot of people say they cant log on right now so i. the worst pvper of all time. who cannot hold a conversation to save their life. heroically log on to the server where n and s are arguing in the chat about nothing in particular. r messages me asking me to hide her chickens so i do that even though i dont think n was going to do anything to them. instead he continues being vaguely unpleasant in the chat for which s (who is the server admin) bans him

but n is still in the gc! so he gets really nad at us there but quickly gets banned from there too. g is kind of upset because hes the only one who liked n for some reason and l is upset because shes a very nice person and feels it was unfair to kick him out like that but otherwise we decide to move on. until later that evening when g announces he has been dming with n and now officially hates him

we ask g to elaborate to which he just shows us their dms which are. fucking weird. not the kind of weird that you might imagine but just like. very strange? the main thing i remember is that n sent g a lot of voice messages where he whispers a bunch of incoherent bullshit about fucking. quantum immortality and being a trojan horse and how he will come back and we'll regret banning him??? we all say wow what a fucking weirdo and move on with our lives

the next day n logs onto the server from a different account because he still knows the ip. s quickly bans him and changes the ip. a few hours later everyone loses their shit because when we try to log on it shows an error message and we start getting paranoid that n might have done something. s isnt responding to dms. jesus christ

a few hours of panic later s finally goes online and says he turn on the whitelist and forgot to actually put us in it 👍 but its all good now and n will never ever bother us ever again! yay!

another important note: most of us were broke and didnt actually have licensed minecraft so we were all pirating it. minecraft is one of the basolute easiest games to pirate and the only real downsides are that 1. you cant log onto servers that dont specifically allow pirated accounts (which is most servers) and 2. anyone could theoretically log onto any server on your account if they know your username. im sure you can see where this is going

l logs onto the server and starts acting very weirdly and then dies. yea it was n using her account. then he uses a few more people's accounts. everyone starts panicking and everyone who can log on immediately does so n cant use their account. he keeps saying vert cringey movie villain type shit in the chat. what the fuck is going on. g dms him and somehow convinces him to calm down? he didnt show us their dms this time so idk. point is n finally fucks off. For The Time Being

somewhere around this point the one singular stream happened and it wasnt actually that special s just kinda ran around the server and we were all goofing around in the chat it was fun all of the future drama happened off-stream

act 2. j goes insane

ok this part will be short because not much actually happened but basically every time we would try to add a new member j would have a meltdown and leave the gc and we would all have to beg him to return and they wouldnt return until we removed the new member. idk what that was about but its important for future stuff mostly because it created a lot and i mean A Lot of tension. especially between j and the rest of the unit who all really wanted the server to grow. the only new member we managed to add was z (they/them. they were constantly getting misgendered i think there were like 2 or 3 people including me on the entire server who consistently gendered them correctly and stood up for them when other people misgendered them. it sucked)

anyway that tension combined with the lore writing process led j to leave the unit and divorce s as they were married on the server. even in minecraft i am a child of divorce. we actually had some pretty cool lore by the end of it but thats not the point the point is that j joined a different team with g and p

g was a deeply unpleasant person like i still dont hate him and i know he was like 14 or 15 at the time and god knows i wasnt any less annoying at 15 but still. i really didnt like him. and he really didnt like me and the unit. this guy had a big problem with drawing a line between roleplay and real life friendships all of us did but he was the worst offender

i dont want to get too deep into this part because its just really annoying but basically. we found a pink sheep on the server and were all really happy and brought it to spawn and then someone killed it and we had a whole investigation and no one fessed up. then someone killed g's villagers and things got even more tense and it turned out it was probably s. we never found out for sure but it was probably him. s g and j's team never had a name as far as i know but their rivalry with the unit was getting worse and worse

then was the pickle war which was actually pretty fun. i dont remember the details unfortunately but it was really funny. many memes were made. 90% of all memes on the server were made by me and at some point i was officially declared the minister of memes of the gghgsmp. im telling you this because even though things are about to get ugly i did really have a lot of fun on the server and i still have a lot of fond memories of it and im forever left with the itch to have another smp with my friends though i havent had the chance to do something like that yet

anyway Before we get to how the server imploded and what happened after we need to talk about n again. this will be short because i missed most of what happened but basically as far as i know he messaged s on discord and they had a fucking. debate or something idk it lasted a few hours and was very frustrating to listen to. and im telling you This because n said he was doing this because he wanted to leave a mark in our server's history or something like that which is just really funny to me. this random ass guy that we all hated was obsessed with our smp that had one stream ever and we still dont even know how he found out about us

anyway Act 3. the grand finale. prepare for the stupidest fucking thing that i have ever had to take part in

it all started with gartic phone. me, r, and the unit were in a discord call playing gartic. at some point one of us i dont remember who had to leave and t decided we needed more people so she said so in the group chat. she wrote something along the lines of "play gartic with us or i'll eat you" some like threat that was very obviously a joke. and then ????? something happened and for some reason j and g got really mad at her and then the rest of the server got roped into it and it was. not pretty. it was a huge fight where they brought up shit that happened on the server Even though we had all agreed in like the first day of the server to never bring things that happen in minecraft into personal relationships. it ended with s getting frustrated and leaving the gc and then k and t also leaving in solidarity with him and me crying because everything was falling apart and these people were the only friends i had and if s was leaving then it was really serious because he was the most committed to the server out of anyone. and g and j didnt leave even though they would do that all the time when something didnt go their way and it felt like they had won and i really didnt like them especially after that. it really wasnt that serious but it hit me hard because i was 13 and very lonely and at one of the worst points for my mental health in my entire life

anyway that was on july 31st and that was the day the gghgsmp officially died. but! the next day i once again woke up to find out i had been added to a new group chat. s and t were going to create a new server without g and j with everyone who loved our server and wanted to see it grow instead of having to deal with j's meltdown every time we wanted to add someone new. they called it the new breath smp and i cried a lot. when they created the new server i was the second person to log on right after s himself because of how excited i was

pretty soon we found out g and j also made their own separate server which i dont remember the name of but that whole thing was so fucking funny it sounds like a tumblr fake story where everything goes so comically badly for the person that wronged you but i swear its true. the reason i know about what happened is because r pretended she wanted to join their server but was actually a double agent for the nbsmp. this minecraft smp shit gets serious

g and j pulled everyone from the gghgsmp who supported them which actually wasnt that many people. then they started inviting people from the original dsmp fan gc. and Then they were so desperate for members that they added. can you guess who. can you fucking guess who. n. they added n even though j hated him more than anyone else on the gghgsmp. they added him even though its. its fucking n. its that guy

i think later there was some drama on their server because g and j were abusing their admin privileges and everyone got mad at them and left and then they got into a big fight and cut all contact and last i heard they still hated each other. so thats wonderful

but Before that happened something Even Funnier happened. one evening i suddenly received a notification that i had been added to a group chat. by g. i check who else is in the gc. it j and also everyone from the nbsmp Except for s, t & k. you know. the unit. i wasnt technically a member i was just allied with them so i guess they were fine with adding me

anyway when we asked them what they wanted from us they started telling us how the unit is evil and manipulating us and s and t are abusing admin privileges (oh how the turns have tabled. or will table later i guess) and you know what they gave us as proof? brace yourself

the wither had only been fought once on the gghgsmp. the ones that fought him were s and t and it was known that there were no more wither skulls on the server. g and j claimed that the unit had cheated in more wither skulls Because. and i shit you not. there was more than one wither rose left. they thought the wither drops a wither rose when it DIES

as soon as that conversation ended i sent every single message that was sent in the gc to t and we laughed. a lot. it was the funniest thing ever made even better by the fact that their own server later fell apart because They were abusing admin privileges

anyway the nbsmp was fine. the school year started a month after it was created and i really tried to stay active but a lot of people couldnt really log on anymore and then my computer broke. we stayed in touch for a while but somewhere in early 2022 we gradually drifted apart. the last real interaction i had with them was when we watched claus in a discord call on new year's eve and we were having fun until l invited g and it was very awkward and unpleasant

later that year i deleted my account on that unnamed social media and about a year later my twitter account where i was mutuals with s and r got suspended and i never followed them on my new account. which also got suspended like 4 months later idk what that was about

anyway i had a lot of. well not trauma but very complicated feelings about all of that. mostly i just really missed having friends like that but had a bad aftertaste after the way it ended and it kind of killed my interest in mcyt for about 2 years but now its back and stronger than ever and i still really miss being on a server but im fine now 👍 the only thing i regret is that because of my anxiety and other issues i didnt talk to them as much as i wanted to. oh how much fun i wouldve had playing gartic and other stuff if discord calls didnt give me panic attacks back then. it sucked but it was cool while it lasted and gave me a few funny stories to tell people. shoutout to n my man if youre out there i just want to talk why the fuck are you like this

☝️ sorry for getting sappy there i dont think ive ever actually sat down and explained everything that happened to anyone and it beought back a lot of weird feelings. idk man it took me a few years but i think im fully recovered now. it was very very funny we were all so fucking stupid for all of that. like i dont think i did it justice by explaining it because its genuinely the funniest thing ever you will never understand it just by reading a tumblr post. also if there are typos in this then you'll just have to deal with that i guess because im not rereading this fucking monster of a post im tired

have i ever told you guys about the time i was one of the founding members of a server called the gghgsmp (gay gay homosexual gay smp) on which we had one (1) stream ever and it fell apart horribly not even two months after it was created and everyone who was active on the server still hates each other almost 4 years later and it was the most fun ive ever had in my life

[transgaysex]

amount of people ive had a hand in getting kicked out of a college gay club: 2

[pentaghast]

my english class was canceled and my math class is now online for the first 2 weeks n im actually going to snap

[luckyqueenreign]

Hey, hun!

Rant incoming 😅 I apologize in advance!

is it possible to be disappointed even if you expected it? i mean I definitely love they gave us an option to tell Meera "screw you!" and Suresh's apology was not bad, but still.

i kinda thought Finn's speech will be more about hos feelings for MC but he downplay it to "i wanted everyone on your side". what's wrong with FB's pixel men who go for different girl behind their partners back? I didn't like it with Jake behind Cherry's back (but he at least wanted to make an "official relationship" with MC), I hated it with Noah behind Hope's back (cuz it made him sneakiest boy in entire season 2 despite the fact that he's supposed to be a loyalest person!), I didn't like it with Youssef. and now they doing it with Finn? why can't we have one boy who wants only MC and showing his intentions for everyone? you know like Rafi from s4. This man actually chose to walk from Villa cuz he came with his eyes only on MC!

So now I'm really considering choosing money in final (if FB will give us this opportunity!)

I would like to be with Finn if he actually made it clear to Kat before proposing MC to take his eggs, if you know what I mean.also! it's quite suspicious when he said he didn't do bits with Kat when she said opposite. So there isn't any complete trust in him.

I don't fancy Alfie as a love interest. So he's just a friend for my MC. And he disappointed me too! I mean there was a girl who fancied him greatly, he brought her back and didn't regret it (he made MC vulnerable!), he chose to marry her in SMP and he chose not to go with her because what? MC (who by the way he cheated on with Kat)?? I actually felt bad for Meera in this moment even though I hated her. So... this is definitely is not a man for my MC.

I'm too straight to go for a girl even though Lulu is lovely! So it's not an option for me😃

And Suresh... Well, it's complicated. I'm not forgiving person - not sure I can move past cheating in real life. And I probably wouldn't got together with Suresh if I eas MC - I couldn't forget a betrayal and there's no point in relationship if you don't trust your partner.

But I did like his apology! finally we have something sincere!

and still - kissing your mistress in SMP challenge is a really next level cruelty. I can understand when you want to see if there could be anything but you don't have to do it when a person (who you clame you care about) can see this.

also! His actions do make sense when you shutting his flirting at every opportunity - so he could have a doubts about his chances. but when you flirted with him even on double date, when you kissed him - it should have been a sign for him! His actions are cruel when you trying to actually romance him.

and I still don't have enough emotions from MC! I want some good drama - when she don't want to love her ex but can't help herself but love him. When she wants to move on and struggling with her feelings because he is her first and only love. She tried so hard to rebuild herself after his betrayal and when she's finally go to Villa he showed up. and all her "work" to forget about him eas pointless. I want her tears and his vulnerability (and tears) damn it.

overall S5 is the only season where I don't find a good boy (without any red flags). It's a shame, there was do much potential!

Ahem... I didn't mean to rant so much, sorry! Feel free to ignore this bedsheet of text😅

bestie you're so right...s5 has literally the worst men in the entire series...the least complicated LI in all of S5 is Lulu and thats awesome for players who want wlw route but I wish wlm route got at least one uncomplicated man as well. dont get me wrong I love a redemption story, but not all of them needed to be one. Also why theyre now making Finn a cheater is beyond me?? it literally makes no sense. And I dont understand why all of his confessions lowkey back pedal every week. I like u MC ALOT!! but I also like Kat too! not very reassuring since thats what u did literally ALL SEASON and still chose her at every turn. I agree with u on the Rafi thing, I wish Finn's declaration had been more all or nothing. He needed to break up with Kat for it to mean more.

[regulationlistener]

january over so its time for a little resolution update baby.

read 26 books: 35%

i read 9 last month, which is on par with what i expected to happen. ill admit one of those was a graphic novel that took like thirty minutes to read, and theres two books on there with about 125 pages each. but im not really worried about that as long as im not specifically reading small books for the purpose of the goal and instead just happen to read small books.

the real problem is that six were library books, so ive made almost no progress in the owned books department, but i did put up some new shelves so its not a big issue space wise anymore. i still would like to work my way through those owned books though. i should mention that the library books are all libby ebooks specifically and im unsure if i find it easier to reach for cause its on my phone or cause i know i have a limited time to read it or if its cause its mostly different genres than the physical books i own.

watch 104 movies: 19%

i watched 20 in january, which is much more than i needed to, but i also expected this would happen, and im not mad about it. last year there was a few months that i didnt watch any and some that i watched one every day so this is just sort of how i do movies i reckon.

visit all county historical plaques

ive gotten 2 so far. this is not good numbers, but im not worried about it, because theres two places that have like ten each. its been a real wet and cold month which doesnt make for wanting to go out anywhere. i can blame it on the weather for the first two or three months but after that its just me as a person i think.

life improvement

ive been applying to jobs and theres been a few i was real fond of but i aint got shit. im not worried about it cause i dont think im by any means Unemployable its just a matter of how much ill hate whatever i get. but its not like im at the bottom of the barrel yet and i suppose worst case scenario i go back to a factory nothings stopping me from continuing to apply.

all that other shit

everything unmentioned is cause i didnt do it or make any progress and i dont have any thoughts about it. well i do but theyre not particularly interesting. mostly ive been expecting a level of spontaneity to all the things i havent done and i think i need to acknowledge thats not the person that i am and i need to have things planned like two weeks in advance. preferably putting money into it so i dont chicken out.

news years resolution post. resolution seems too firm theyre more pretty loose goals. theyre not all that serious its just my way of reminding myself theres something i want to do. intention is to update every month to keep track of my progress. or lack of it. who knows what will occur.

read 26 books

last year the goal was 52 and for some reason i didnt read anything until december, so im halving it. i did read fifteen books in december so as long as i actually read for at least two months i should finish this up no biggie. 13 of those books were library books and i need to start working on all the books that i own because i dont really have room for all of them and im sure once read i wont keep most of them.

read in public once every two weeks

this has less to do with reading and more to do with trying to get myself to go to parks and such as that, i just feel like reading is an activity to do while there that isnt exercise which i would get self conscious about. every two weeks is really arbitrary, i just need to try to consistently do this. i think existing in public and also being outside is good for pretty self explanatory reasons and i want to try to explore more of my town on foot, which admittedly ive never really done.

watch 104 movies.

last year i watched 121 so this should be relatively easy. its two movies a week which is not an absurd amount by any means. historically speaking i wont do it this way and will instead watch like 30 movies in one month instead but its not necessary.

finish baldurs gate 3/one of the switch pokemon games

i have three pokemon games that ive played like three hours of each and i want to at least make an effort to finish one of them, same with baldurs gate. i dont finish most video games i buy and i dont buy enough of them for it to be a big deal but it does sort of make me feel bad and also i do like playing them, so i really wanna try and finish them.

visit all county historical plaques

this sounds fun and also i think itll be a good way to get myself exploring and paying more attention to the local area. theres only like 45 and most of them are clustered together so i think i could do this relatively easily in a handful of afternoons.

go to a live event once a month

ive been wanting to go to a ball game for more than a year and i just keep never getting around to it, so i really wanna try to get myself to go see shit. im not attached to sports, it could be any live event, but sports does seem the most plentiful and generally speaking i think id need to go out of state to see a comedy or music act that i like unless i deliberately go to one ive never heard of, which im not really keen on, because the thought of being at a comedy show i think isnt funny is a nightmare situation for me, and also ive never been to a live music event so i feel like i should at least be familiar for the first ones i go to.

general life improvement shit

i want to get a job that doesnt make me wanna kill myself. preferably with insurance, because i need new regular glasses and i want to get prescription sunglasses, which ive been wanting for nearly a decade and i just havent gotten yet for some reason, and also depending on how annoying it is it would probably be nice to get on anxiety medication for a bit. or maybe not. taking medication gives me anxiety so it might be a net zero gain. i also want to try to take some online classes at the community college cause ill get financial aid so i might as well slowly work my way to some sort of degree even if i dont really care about it.

new hobbies

i think i should get a record player and try to get into records, which is something ive been thinking about getting around to for like four years. i also really want to try to make a blanket[?], which i assume will be kind of shit ass, but it seems like a very approachable project in terms of someone basically new to fiber arts that will also find some sort of use in my house, its just a really time consuming one. everything else you can make is stuff that i dont want so i wouldnt make or its like clothes and that seems intimidating cause you gotta wear that shit outta the house. i also really want to try my hand at painting, i dont have any thought that ill be good at it but its something ive had in the back of my mind for a while so i want to give it a go at least a few times and see if i enjoy it.

[maddestmewmew]

opinions on ghosts?

ok trying to get into my 2am mindset for this but also dont set ur expectations 2 high cuz this isnt something nobody has said before thats for sure lol.

i dont believe in proper ghosts. i think the idea that a "soul" or "energy" coming back, refusing to go to the afterlife bc of some "unfinished business". thats just not real sorry. i really WANT to believe in ghosts! i wanna look at a building that someone died in and go "that someone is still here". who doesnt? who doesnt wish someone lost was still right next to them? who would wanna know theyre really, truly alone?

ghosts arent real. not in the literal sense. but the whole thing thats going around, "haunt the narrative", thats how ghosts Are real, at the same time. everywhere you look, you stumble across small ghosts.

someone died in your school. dont worry this is purely hypothetical. but someone died in your school. or maybe they moved away. or maybe they graduated, or dropped out. either way. someone you saw every day, even just because you had the same route to classes, theyre gone. to you, theyre gone forever.

but theyre not. of course its not that simple. because you had the same route, from class to class. next week, you start your trek. you step foot outside english class, and the next foot carries you further. step after step. but now, theres no one with you. no one to echo your footsteps. as you walk through the hall, you realize, despite the bustling crowd, you are completely alone.

you never talked to them. you never caught their name. youre not even sure why they stopped showing up to school.

but you know now. you Literally walk this path alone.

so next year, when you find someone that takes the same route, you find yourself striking up a conversation. you see their laugh, the way their eyes sparkle. you become friends, and when you walk, you squeeze their hand tight, afraid to ever let go.

is that not itself a ghost? the character in this story, the hypothetical "you", while they didnt ever even know the first person, theyre haunted by them. they bothered to find someone else, to cling to them, out of fear, but also out of love, out of regret for memories never made, bonds never forged. you are haunted.

and, that other post, about how we carry a bit, just a bit, of everyone weve lost, one way or another. are those not ghosts? my eye passes over one of my clown dolls, and i feel a pang of guilt, of anger. One of my ex friends gave me that doll, it was the last conversation we ever had. Is it not haunted? hes not dead, but hes gone forever to me. i repeat certain phrases because of him, are they not haunted? am i not haunted?

even if you die never knowing a single person. if you live wild in the woods and everyone you knew before that is also dead. you still haunt the world. your bare footprints in the mud. the maggots that chew at your eyes. the flowers that sprout through your ribcage. small memories of you, that will carry and echo through the world, to say "we have lost." yet you continue to haunt. youre a ghost.

[nikrangdan]

classmate!sunghoon

pairing: classmate!sunghoon x female reader

genre: fluff, comedy

description: you felt like park sunghoon was way, WAY out of your league... what happens when the teacher tells him to move seats and sit next to you?

*didnt proofread

————

becoming friends with park sunghoon was not something you expected to happen this year

throughout high school you had a small group of friends and never really stuck out

so when your teacher told sunghoon to move seats..

the seat happened to be the empty one next to..

guess who *cue the evil laugh*

YOU!!!!

your first thought was

‘this entire year is just gonna be him completely ignoring my existence or awkward interactions’

now you’ve heard of park sunghoon.... its basically a guarantee at your high school

he has this group of friends and theyre labelled as the popular kids i guess you could say

and the only reason he had to move seats in your two hour long class was because he and his friend jake goof off in class too often and your teacher deemed them “too distracting”

so eventually sunghoon was forced to move all the way across the classroom

right next to you

you were shocked to say the least

obviously he was handsome

too handsome to the point where you questioned how someone as good looking as him went to your school

he sighed and got up from his chair next to jake

but he still had a small smile remaining on his face indicating he wasnt that upset about him having to leave his friend

your heart began to beat quicker automatically as he walked towards your desk

even if you didnt have a crush on him like alot of people did, you still felt nervous around popular students like him for some reason

he ran his hand through his hair and sat down next to you, setting his bookbag on the floor next to him

he didnt look at you, nor acknowledge you

Awkward....

but nonetheless the lecture began again and the class sat in silence

taking notes on their laptops or sleeping

there were around 30 people in your class and your seat was in the middle row next to the window so you often gazed outside from the 2nd floor during class

you glanced to your right and noticed sunghoon slouched back in his seat, twirling around a pencil in his hand while his laptop remained open on his desk

it was just a white screen so he didnt take any notes

you were surpised because you knew he had fairly decent grades

you ignored your thoughts and continued taking your own notes

soon enough the bell rang and sunghoon stood up immediately and walked over to jake

‘yup’ you thought. ‘we are definitely not going to be having a single conversation this year.’

fast forward a couple days!!!!

you were sitting in class next to the boy

as normal

and you still have yet to talk to him.. mainly because you never initiated conversations ESPECIALLY when its a really really cute boy

anyways

ur teacher is like

Ok class im assigning a project and ur partner is the person sitting next to u

yay!!!!!! (can u sense the sarcasm)

welp

you sit in silence while everyone in the class starts discussing with their partners

the project is you have to make a presentation on a world issue of your choice

“um...” u start

sunghoon starts pulling out his laptop and binder

“what do you wanna do?”

he doesnt even look you

well!!!!!!

u didnt know sunghoon and his group of friends very well but u definitely thought they were more... friendly than this

its silent for like 5 seconds

“huh? oh sorry did you say something?”

“uh yeah.. i asked what you wanted to do for the project.”

“project?”

God u tried so hard not to laugh

you think he noticed because his cheeks turned a really light shade of pink

he looked so innocent

“yeah we have to make a presentation” you lightly chuckled

he was very amusing without even trying

“oh sorry haha.. i zone out easily”

“its okay.. but its due in less than 2 weeks so”

so you two spent the next hour choosing a topic and working on the project

it was kind of awkward for the first 10 minutes but then you warmed up to eachother

u were lucky that he was an extrovert too

(sunghoon is an extrovert for the sake of this story OK)

u were also lucky that he was smart

it was easy for you to talk to him.. he just felt comfortable

contrary to ur prior belief.. sunghoon was actually a really really cool guy

u used to think he was just a guy

now u think hes a really really cool guy

“can you please stop putting penguin clip art on the slides” you giggle

then he puts parrot clip art instead

“do your work!!!!” he was supposed to keep researching but he was trying to balance his pen on his nose

“shhh y/n... im doing something important.”

you roll your eyes

he was always doing something that was Not work

but you found it entertaining

and he’d make dumb little jokes that made you both hide your faces in your arms on top of the desk to hide your laughter

“hey y/n”

“what”

“what do you call an old snowman”

“i dunno.. snowgramps”

“no.. water”

you both made eye contact before bursting into laughter and then forcing yourselves to be quiet before u got in trouble

but that made everything funnier so you both were just covering your faces while trying so hard not to make a sound

this was so weird

u have never clicked with someone so fast before it honestly felt exciting

you were talking to sunghoon as if you’d been friends with him since birth

Very Very weird because you had only talked to him an hour ago and now u two are acting like besties ?!?!

jake noticed from across the room too

hes like ‘Why is sunghoon having fun without me🙄🙄’

the bell rings and so far you only have 2 slides

“we didnt get anything done” you note as you pack your bag

“yeah yeah i know. we can work on it more tomorrow”

“right.. see you tomorrow” you’re about to head out until jake walks up

“hey bro” he and sunghoon do some kind of made up handshake before he turns to look at you

now you know jake

everyone knows jake

you used to think he was the sweetest out of all their friend group

and he definitely lives up to that!!!

“hey y/n!” he gives u a smile

AWE hes so adorable

“hi” u reply

you were trying to speed up this conversation though so you could go eat lunch with your friend

“hows the project going?” he asks

“bad. sunghoon doesnt know how to do anything.” you deadpanned jokingly

sunghoon looks at you with an offended look that makes you wanna snort

“hey! you’re the one who doesn’t know how to add text to the slide!”

“what the hell sunghoon?! don’t tell him that, it’s embarrassing!” you give him a dirty look before walking out the classroom door with a smile on your face

days passed and you and sunghoon would only speak during that class but whenever you did it would be a mess

“sunghoon, y/n, quiet down! there is no reason for my classroom to be this loud!” your teacher scolds you two after sunghoon slapped his desk after you accidentally snorted

u two had such a weird relationship

u were almost strangers outside this one class but besties when u were in it

jake noticed too

one time he asked sunghoon during lunch why ur relationship was what it was

“i dont know.. thats just how we are” he answered

but jake kind of suspected sunghoon had a crush on u

*wiggles eyebrows*

it had only been a week but jake was determined to set u up together

“y/n you look cold, heres sunghoons jacket!”

“y/n sunghoon needs help with his homework, can you maybe do something about that..”

“sunghoon, y/n looks sad go give her a hug”

needless to say it worked!!!!

because a week after you presented your 2 weeks worth project

sunghoon asked u on a date

YUPPPPPP

let me recite how it went

u were walking out of class together because jake wasnt there that day

sunghoons bookbag was slung over one shoulder and u were stood next to him with both hands on ur straps

“hey.. do u wanna maybe go grab something to eat with me for dinner..? or something” he quickly asked

“what, like a date?” you joke

“uh.. yeah” he replied looking down at u

u stop in your tracks

WHA

No way

“wait what? seriously?” you look up at him with wide eyes

“yes u little munchkin” he pinches your cheeks exaggeratedly and pulls them to make your face sway everywhere

u swat them off so fast

“um.. okay” u answer and ur face heats up

you cant even look him in the eye

like u cant say u DIDNT see this coming but it was still a shock

“awe is y/n blushing” he teases

“go away stupid”

yeah he doesnt go away

ANYWAYS u are the cutest couple ever

everyone wants to be u two so bad!

couple goals literally

jake is so proud of himself honestly

whenever u get into a silly little argument his rebuttal is always

“remind me who got u the best boyfriend ever? thats right, me. dont try me y/n”

and ur like

“ooohhh jakey im so scareddd”

he cannot stand u

but Yeah sunghoon bestest bf ever

takes u on dates whenever u want to

makes u laugh very much

almost too much

and ur parents LOVE him

mhm sunghoon very awesome guy

[heyitsyn]

Put A Ring On It

a/n: lmao tooru would actually beat your booty if you ever date kags

anon request:  hii can i have a hc like the oikawa sister reader x iwa but now with kageyama?? like the reader is literally the princess of seijoh and never liked anyone until he met kags?? tysm! u make such a cute ff

requests open!!

he might not smile much but when he does, its the most beautiful smile I've ever seen

king and queen of the court??

lmao im getting chills

so since tooru went to kitagawa, it would be natural for him to want his baby sister to go there too right?

you are actually 2 years younger than tooru so that would make you about kags’ age

you are well-known throughout the school as oikawa tooru’s little sister and people also flocked to you since you got the good genes as well

but you were never interested in fear that they would take advantage of you for your brother or to just parade you as a trophy

anyways

you liked volleyball like your brother but you didnt want to play in a team so you just went to their practices to help the coaches

youve heard about this prodigy setter named kagayama tobio, who was also the grandson of a known volleyball couch

but youve only heard bad things about him

tooru lit rally comes home ranting and complaining about this new kid who is great at setting and you were just like, ‘okay and?’

‘y/n-chan! theres an outsider threatening to take your brother’s place! aren’t you worried for me?!’

‘nii-chan, its just volleyball’

‘just-just volley-! that’s it im disowning you’

while iwa just watches from the sidelines

oikawa just shouting and yelling in front of the fridge while you sit on the barstool while eating a banana, looking unbothered

keeping up with the oikawas part 2

you kinda knew him because kindaichi, who is your classmate, talked about kageyama, who was in kunimi’s class

‘tooru-nii never shuts up about him’

you complained to kindaichi one day

‘is he really that good?’

you knew the talent you brother had and the hard work he puts in volleyball as you were usually the one who woke up at night to help him with his knee pains

so you slightly understood his threatened feeling of this mysterious prodigy who just suddenly enters the team

‘he’s not terrible. maybe its because theyre the only setters in the team so oikawa-senpai is threatened about his position being taken’

‘but as long as he’s not a starting, then no foul done right?’

wrong

unfortunately, you were there to see tooru break down during practice when kageyama asked him how to serve

since you usually walked home with your brother and iwa-chan,

get yourself protective brothers

you were forced to wait until he was done with practice

captain duties and all that

and you were getting tired of just waiting in the cold so you go in the gym to tell off your nii-chan when you see him raise his hand at this tobio boy

‘iwa-chan!’

you shriek and he was able to stop tooru from hitting their underclassman

‘oi! oikawa tooru!’

kageyama looked horrified and was so scared that he dashed off

ngl, you felt bad for him and you knew that your brother was probably just overwhelmed w the incoming interhighs and he was just getting frustrated

so when iwa nodded at you that he got tooru, you went after kageyama, who was tossing the ball up in the air

he tossed it up once, expecting it to come back down but you snatched it right up

he turned to see a girl who looked exactly oikawa-san and he backed away

you saw him step back and you pouted

‘ehhh~? am i that scary to you, kage-chan?’

omg the way you even talk was like him

‘are you oikawa-senpai’s sister?’

hes heard little about you from kunimi

you nodded and gave him a smile before sticking a hand out

‘oikawa y/n, at your service’

‘ah, k-kageyama tori-bio’

you giggled at his flustered look 

‘what is it? torio? tobio?’

ofc you already knew but he was so cute to tease

‘i-it’s tobio’

he was red at the embarrassment of messing up his own name but you thought he was so cute and a bean

you heard from kunimi that he wasnt very social and mostly keeps to himself or the volleyball team

‘sorry about my nii-chan, kage-chan. hes just stressed right now. dont worry, he’ll come around. i’ll make it up to you in his place, okay?’

your eyes scrunched up as you smiled to try and diffuse the situation and save your brother’s arse

he owes you

‘its okay. its also my fault for pestering him about it so i should apologize’

omg this boy is ADORABLE

DLKAFDKLJAFALSFEJISLKDJ

‘tobio-chan!’

you shrieked before hugging him and nuzzling your face into his shirt

‘youre so sweet! you dont have to do anything!’

he was actually taken aback by your expressive personality and wasnt used to being fawn upon, especially by a cute girl

he remained frozen on the spot and you worriedly let go, thinking he stopped breathing

‘tobio-chan? did you die?! tobio-chan!’

from then on, you just seemed to see him everywhere

for months you didnt even know this boy but suddenly, after the accident, you were just seeing him everywhere

from your classroom, you’d see him at the yard with kunimi and kindaichi as they toss the ball around

i will always think that this trio were initially friends at the beginning!

he seemed to be a very shy boy and was constantly trying to keep his emotions on check

but you saw the smiles whenever he thinks the two arent looking

that was probably why you absolutely had the biggest crush on this boy

but you didnt realize that you had a crush on him

you just wanted to help him come out of his shell and help him smile more bc it was so beautiful

so you cornered him by his locker one day and your cute smile made his cheeks go on fire

‘FIREEE~~~~ BULTORUNE!!’

‘tobio-chan! i want to be your friend!’

he was SHOOK

girls never really talked to him, much less his frightening captain’s cute sister

no words came from him as he just looked at you with wide eyes 

‘o-oikawa-san?’

you pouted at the formal use of your name

‘haaa?! tobiio-chan! call me by some cute nickname too~!’

you crossed your arms and stomped your foot on the floor

omg no stop this at once little girl

he turned even redder and quickly stuffed his things in his bag before dashing off

‘eh?! tobio-chan!’

his days were filled with that

you were constantly yelling his nickname with a smile when you would see him and he would blush then run away 

even during practice, you would basically act as their manager by giving them their towels and water

but it was obvious that you would pamper kageyama more

that irritated your brother

he dragged you home one day and was basically interrogating you

‘n/n-chan, youre not having a crush on that bastard kageyama are you?’

you glared at your brother, offended at the way he called tobio

‘don’t call him that, nii-chan! i will hit you!’

you shrieked and punched his gut

‘HES NOT GOOD FOR YOU, N/N-CHAN! HES A THIEF!’

tooru shouts and thus began the arguments between your fascination with kageyama

but you didnt care because you intend to uphold that promise and reach that goal through

all you wanted was to see tobio smile freely

one day, you were walking to school earlier than your brother when you saw kageyama at the intersection

your eyes lit up and you bounded up to him

‘tobio-chan!’

his eyes widened and he quickly turned around to walk away

ngl that hurted a bit

‘tobio-chan?’

that small voice made him stop and his head turned to look at your watering eyes

‘tobio-chan, do you not like me?’

you were so used to being liked and fawned over your entire life that the thought of somebody not liking you was so hurtful

maybe thats why you liked kageyama tobio though

he was focused on running away from you rather than going to you

for the first time, you would have to be the one who chased rather than being the one running

kags was worried bc his sister always told him to never make a girl cry and here he was, watching your eyes tear up

‘y/n-san, please dont cry’

you watched him walk to you and shakily wipe your tears away

a smile formed on your face at the touch of his fingertips and you hugged him

lmao we really bokuto 2.0

kags didnt know what to do bc if he hugged you back, that would give you a wrong impression of him wanting to be your friend

but he didnt want friends, he just wanted to play volleyball

but he smelled a faint strawberry scent from your hair and he unconsciously leans in, wrapping his arms around your body

at the feeling of him returning your affection, you giggled and tightened your arms around him while burying your face in his chest

‘do you want to be my friend now, tobio-chan?’

you were so insistent on being a friend that kageyama was touched at your efforts

he was just like

f it shes pretty and nice, its fine

he nodded

and thus began a cute friendship

well, more like a one-sided friendship since you were the more lively one than him

you would run to his classroom with kindaichi and eat with kags and kunimi

you would give him parts of your bento and you would hold his hand

thisgirl does not know personal space

one lunch period, you were all eating lunch when you were suddenly thirsty

you let go of kags and stood up, making the boys look at you

‘im thirsty so ill get something. want anything?’

they shrugged and told you to get whatever so you skipped to the vending machine

yall idontknow how to skip so i just kinda gallop

you got banana milk for you and random things for kindaichi and kunimi

but you didnt know what to get kags

you thought you would know since youve started being friends a few weeks ago but you really didnt know what drink he liked

so you chose the only blue thing they have

you went back to the classroom and gave their drinks but you sheepishly smiled when you gave kags his milk

‘i didnt really know what you liked so i got a blue carton because your eyes are blue and they reminded me of you’

kindaichi and kunimi gave you a disgusted look while kageyama blushed at the thought

this folks, is why kagellama tobiyolo is in love w that blue carton of milk

slowly but surely, kageyama has started opening up to you and you were so happy that he was starting to smile more around you

it took a few months but you were finally considered a friend

ofc tooru was deeply unhappy about this and always tried to foil plans between you and him but you were not having that

he was even harsher during practice but since youre always there, you would take a page from iwa’s book and yeet a ball to his face

‘i will hit you, nii-chan!’

it was a shock to the school that you were actually showing interest to someone since you rarely gave anybody else a second glance

and it was to this shy boy, kageyama tobio, no less!

when oikawa tooru has finally graduated, you breathed a sigh of relief 

you were bumped up to best friend by kageyama and you always walked home with him

iwa-chan liked you (in a brotherly, platonic way) enough that he would even keep tooru in his house so you could hang out with kageyama longer

also, kags has finally came up with a nickname for you and has finally called you by something informal!!

imsoproudofhimohmygosh

‘n/n-chan, my mom’s cooking tonkatsu tonight. you wanna come?’

he asked you one night and you nodded eagerly, excited at the mention of your favorite food

‘yes! you dont even have to ask!’

you hummed as you skipped down the road, still holding his arm, and excited to meet his family

but to kags, this was a way more serious affair

youve never met his family before and hes worried that they might embarrass him in front of this cute girl

and he was right

when they stepped in, his sister, who was back from college, peaked and saw her little anti-social baby brother with a really really cute girl

‘mom! tobio brought a girl home!’

he shuts his eyes in frustration but you squeezed his hands

‘dont be nervous, tobio-chan. im right here, okay?’

oml he doesnt deserve you

his mom was so excited that he even had a friend and quickly finished dinner

you bowed in front of his parents and sister before introducing yourself

‘hello, my name is oikawa y/n. its really nice to meet you and thank you for inviting me to your lovely home’

‘omg oikawa-chan is so nice! dig in, everyone!’

kageyama met the eyes of his family and his heart swelled at their approval

it made him like you more

waitt, like?

like, as in, romantic?

like as in, i like you more than a best friend?

like, as in, i want to be your boyfriend?

he choked at that last thought and you hurriedly gave him his water, patting his back

‘daijobu, tobio-chan?’

no luv, life is not daijobu right now

he nodded before sighing in relief

one look at your face and all the thoughts started happening again and he turned even redder

dear god, he actually had a crush on you

nah, itll go away

right?

nope

this is a fanfiction kags, youre meant to fall in love with us

at the passing of his grandfather, tobio was an actual wreck

an emotional, mental, and physical wreck

he skipped school and constantly practiced at the backyard and refused to eat his meals, wanting to stay outside with his ball longer

at his second day of absence, you went straight to his house and when his mom opened the door, she gave you a sad smile and pointed to the back

you saw him trying to do a serve only for him to miss and hit his head before shouting curses

never have you seen him miss a serve

you studied his appearance and your hands trembled

his eyes were red with even more red around his eyes, chapped lips from the constant biting and the bruised knuckles from probably punching something

the last time you saw him was at the funeral after he asked you to go with him and you were so worried that he would turn out like this

‘tobio’

you softly called out and he paused, not moving to get the ball

he heaved a wheeze before choking out a sob

you ran straight to him and gathered him in your arms, cradling the back of his head to your shoulder

throughout your friendship, tobio has never been so affectionate

but right now, you were the only thing that made everything seem normal and he held on to you, so afraid that you might disappear too

as if knowing his concerns, you ran your hands through his hair

‘sshhh, it’s okay. im right here. im not going anywhere, tobio. im right here, okay?’

even you were hurting

everything started because you thought he was beautiful when he smiled so you made it your mission to keep that smile alive forever

but when hes sobbing and in pain, it gives more value to that smile because underneath all that, he was just a shy little boy who had a passion of volleyball

you didnt want to say anything to him but everyone knew that he wasnt exactly the same tobio

if anything, he was much harder with himself and trained even harder

he was staying later in the gym and he was starting to snap at everyone, even kindaichi and kunimi

they got into a massive fight during practice and everyone went home angry but he stayed after, putting his frustrations into doing jumping serves

you watched from the sidelines and when you saw him fall, you rushed over and gently patted his face to get rid of his sweat

‘tobio-chan, let’s go home’

he shook his head

‘no! i need to perfect this-!’

‘tobio-chan, lets go home’

your voice became stronger and firm so he hung his head low

‘you dont understand, y/n. i need to be strong and i want to be the last standing on the court’

you flashed a crooked smile

‘did you forget who my brother is, tobio-chan? i suffered through it with nii-chan so im not going through it again, especially with you. so come on, lets go home’

everyone in the school became wary of the former shy boy who seems to glare at everything and everyone

you were even told, straight to your face, that you were wasting time being his friend

‘ne, y/n-chan. kageyama-kun is so mean so you should stay away from him, okay?’

you glared at them before slamming your book close

‘say one more word and i will shove this book down your throat so youll never be able to utter a single sound ever again’

go off sister!!

you stayed with kageyama, even if he got frustrated and got angry at you, but he was your best friend and youve been friends for years

and you still want to see his smile

tooru was practicing a lot again and your sister and takeru were at tokyo for a trip so you were home alone

so you texted kageyama that you were coming over and he didnt respond which you took as a sign of agreement

so at your trek to his house, you hummed as you swung the bag full of meat buns and cartons of milk when you saw your 3 friends

you were about to shout and raise your hand when you saw kindaichi harshly push kageyama back and kunimi separating the two

‘you-!’

kunimi saw you and hissed at the two

‘stop this right now. y/n-san is over there’

you shouldve known then that everything was falling apart

at this point, you were the only one he let in as his family was too afraid to push him too far

you should be happy, right?

he was smiling around you and only you

only you were able to see such a beautiful thing

but now,

you were not happy with the way he acted towards everybody

during that iconic game in his last year of middle school, he pushed you away too

the locker room was tense and kindaichi was about to yell at him when you knocked 

‘tobio-chan, can we talk?’

he wordlessly threw the towel down and hefted his bag before going outside to follow you

omg im getting flashbacks from my shirabu ff from yesterday

you grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a hug

youve given him many hugs before but this time, it was so strong and different than the others

his arms were around your shoulders while yours was around his torso due to your height and your head was leaning against the place where his heart would be

‘im going to seijoh, tobio-chan’

you paused, gauging his reaction

he didnt say anything, just keeping you in his arms

not iwa-level-bara arms but a healthy-muscular-arms

‘tooru-nii wants me to spend one more year with him before he goes to college and theyre saying my grades are enough to keep me there. but if you dont want me to go, i wont’

‘what? why wont you? its a good school and you deserve it’

his grumbles were still frustrated but he was rather calm whenever he talks to you

‘you wont miss me then, tobio-chan~?’

he could feel you pouting and that made him smile

‘i wont since youll come over to my house everyday’

you pulled your head away with mock surprise

‘everyday?! tobio-chan~! youll really miss me~!’

so you went your separate ways

but you spent every day of the summer together 

much to oikawa’s dismay

and during your first day, he was reluctant to let you go

for 3 years you walked together at the same direction to the same place

but now, youd have to part ways at the same intersection

you softly smiled and giggled when he refused to let go of your hand

im busting uwus just writing this yall

my fingers said ‘free reign!’

‘tobio-chan~! i’m going to be late~!’

you playfully whined and gently pulled your hand from his grasp

but he didnt let go, still holding your hand while the other was in his pants pocket

‘we should skip today, n/n. we can go get meat buns and popsicles and-’

you walked back to him and wrapped your arms around his torso, chin rested on his chest so you could look up to him

‘as much as i want to, my grades and attendance need to be high, tobio-chan~’

he scoffed, ruffling your hair

‘once i become a professional player, you wont need to work. i can support us by myself’

bruh hes already thinking they would get married or something

you scrunched your nose in distate

‘i want to make something of myself. i was given a life so im going to live it’

‘but that means spending less time with me and-’

‘tobio-chan, i know what youre doing. stop stalling and let me go to school already~!’

‘no!’

he refused and caged you in his arms while you wiggled and laughed

‘ill see you later! i promise! now i need to go or nii-chan will yell at you~!’

with great reluctance, he let you go to school, pouting and everything

that cute pout he has oml

as your figure became smaller the farther you walked, you turned around and saw him still standing there and when he saw you look at him, he raised a hand

you jumped and cupped your hands around your mouth

‘MISS YOU ALREADY TOBIO-CHAN!’

i reference my previous works constantly

pedestrians looked at you weirdly and looked at kageyama too causing him to get flustered and run to school, your laughter echoing behind him

seijoh was already expecting the arrival of oikawa’s cute little sister and once you appeared, woohoooo

you got your own fanclub of ladies and genitals

they flocked over to your desk after tooru and iwa dropped you off at your classroom during lunch

‘ne, oikawa-chan, do you see anyone cute today?’

‘iwaizumi-senpai is cute, dont you think?’

‘no! yahaba-senpai is cuter!’

‘matsukawa-senpai and hanamaki-senpai are not bad’

we have matsuhana rights in this household

but you remained quiet, focusing on your phone as kageyama complained to you about some tangerine looking fool

‘oikawa-chan!’

that caught your attention and you smiled gently

‘hm?’

they giggled at your rosy cheeks

‘she has a boyfriend, probably’

you shook your head

‘no. i dont’

‘well, do you have anyone you like?’

you thought about it and shrugged

‘ive never really liked anyone before. i dont care about having a boyfriend either since my brother and tobio are enough for me’

that traveled quickly and soon, everyone was trying their best to woo the little princess oikawa

from lunch suggestions to study dates,

they all wanted to be closer to you

but you always refused,

‘tooru-nii wants me to eat lunch with him’

‘im hanging out with tobio-chan after school’

‘iwa-chan doesnt like you so no’

lmao yes

you were famous around the school for the way everyone treated you and catered to your needs to gain your favor

exactly like a princess

the princess of aoba johsai

the princess of seijoh

she ruled the court alongside the Grand King Oikawa and everyone practically worshipped them

everyone wanted them to like them, just a little bit, but you remained closed off to romantic relationships

when tobio texted you about the upcoming seijoh practice match, you were bouncing on your heels in excitement as you waited for them in the gym

kindaichi and kunimi were rolling their eyes at you

the other members of the team knew of you and were confused at your behavior

‘her boyfriend’s on the karasuno team’

‘the king of the court’

‘eh?! boyfriend?!’

‘y/n-chan, can you hand me my bottle?’

he wasnt answered as you shrieked and sprinted straight to kageyama who appeared at the door

‘tobio-chan~!’

you launched yourself and latched yourself to him, tobio immediately supporting you

‘geez, n/n, not in front of everyone’

you giggled

‘i missed you so much, tobio-chan~!’

‘then transfer over’

‘i cant do that! you know that!’

everyone was S H O O K

‘is she,,,, your girlfriend, kageyama?’

daichi and suga asked but the boy turned red before shaking his head

‘my friend’

‘ehhh?! you have friends?!’

hinata shut up i swear-

you cheered him on despite being on the other team 

you got even louder when you saw your brother playing and he complained about your loyalties

‘you cheer on for your boyfriend but not your brother?! what is the meaning of this n/n-chan?!’

you rushed to give him a towel when he motioned you to do it for him like you always did

‘i want a girlfriend too’

‘we’re not dating you idiots!’

kageyama shouted from the sidelines to the orange hair kid

‘but you act like,,, that’

you smiled

maybe dating tobio wouldnt be a bad idea

i mean, hes cute, adorable, talented, funny, nice

you could deal with it

‘so youre syaing, we act like it already?’

you questioned towards the grey-haired guy who nodded

‘whaddya say, tobio-chan? should we hurry up and put a ring on it?’

he spluttered, almost choking on his water

‘r-r-RING?!’

‘well, you said youd support us in the future, right?’

‘i mean-yea-but’

‘okay then its settled’

both teams gawked at you while kageyama was too busy trying to not have a nosebleed or a heart attack by how fast his heart was beating

you turned to your brother who was looking like his entire world was crumbling

‘OI TOORU-NII! TOBIO-CHAN AND I ARE NOW DATING AND WE’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED!’

oikawa screamed

yall this is so long im--

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖