#they're just so fleabag and the priest

[mischievovstar]

james "i love you" potter and sirius "it'll pass" black

[reiverreturns]

us 🤝 gratuitously talking about our wips instead of actually working on them

i NEED to know about this ac/pacrim nonsense 👀

it's a hard life in the trenches (doing nothing productive whatsoever)

EHEHEHE okay so my nonsense file is basically all @alethiometry's fault and is more or less a dumping ground for assassin's creed PacRim AU stuff that i write odds and sods for when i don't feel like writing anything serious. it's mostly hytham/jacob frye where hytham is an ex-ranger who designs jaeger weaponry and jacob is an active ranger alongside evie. idk i think they'd have SUCH good chemistry and i know in my heart i'm right on that one. i have zero intention of ever making a real publishable story out of the stuff in there but i have lots and lots of little bits! it's very much ignoring quality, just having fun stuff.

anyway for context i've pulled a bit where jacob gets injured before the big mission to close the breach. furious and upset that he'll be sidelined, he ends up running his mouth to the press about how the world governments and their wall building plans are all stupid as hell and hytham sneaks him out into a hong kong hotel to screw some sense into him before marshal aya can find jacob and beat his ass six ways to sunday. i'm also dropping a cut in because it's a chonky bit!

send me a title from my wip list and i'll post a snippet and some thoughts

---

“Where will you go when this is all over?” Hytham asks.

Jacob turns, attention turns sharp, but Hytham isn't looking at him. He’s leaning against the edge of the window, arm resting across the top of the frame, eyes locked on a lonely hulking mass fuzzed in the heavy, sodden mist of the bay. A Jaeger on reconnaissance and repair. Odin’s Sight, if Jacob remembers the assignments. He can’t think of anything more pointless than checking the walls now.

You pilot a Jaeger for long enough, you come to understand that Rangers come in two flavours. The first are the sort who fight for an after. Eivor and Vili, with their dream of a patch of land and animals aplenty in the far flung reaches of Norway. Connor being reunited with his family back home. The second kind of Ranger fights against. ‘After’ isn’t exactly a worry when you're trying to wrestle a Kaiju’s lower mandible from the rest of its jaw. ‘After’ doesn’t mean anything if the chances are you’ll end up going down with your Jaeger. 

Before today Jacob had always considered himself firmly in camp two. Even now, with his Jaeger miles away, he can feel the mechanical click and whirr of the gears in his wrist as he sits up on the bed, pneumatic pressure falling when he adjusts his bad leg. It’s raining and the machinery aches. Evie's running through her tests with Henry. She's worried about him. His mind is hers and hers is his; no start and no end, a complex knot of flesh and metal that cannot be divorced. Jacob's future is a blue-tinged meld of past and present. It does not - can not - exist without Evie or Rook Empire in it.

But that had been then. Hytham turns, sighing, and the realisation hits Jacob like a bullet to the chest.

Jacob might die. He might live to see the whole world fall. He might be crushed beneath a warm body like he was half an hour ago, panting into Hytham's mouth, sweat-slick and needy for more time. But he also might live. There might be an ‘after’ after all.

More silence. Jacob wishes he had Hytham’s comfort in it. Maybe the roar of blood in his ears wouldn’t feel so intrusive.

“I hadn’t thought of it,” Jacob eventually says in a voice that doesn’t sound like his own, hands absently gripping the sheets, mind scrambling and overshot to somewhere far, far away. “I could go back to London, I suppose. Would be nice to go somewhere where I could pretend the world didn’t completely go to shit. But it’s…” He looks at the condensation on the windows, mouth dry. “I don’t think there will be a place for me when I go back.” 

Stupid thing to say. London’s a big fucking city. It still is, despite the attacks and riots and civil unrest that has destabilised its boroughs over the years. Hytham tilts his head thoughtfully.

“There will be no Rangers anymore,” he says, and Jacob nods.

[ranbling]

I feel like i’m definitely in the minority here but if eddie actually has some sort of affair with the priest in s8 it honestly would take away from buddie canon to me…

like I know their sexualities aren’t about each other, but I’ve waited so long for buddie canon that I don’t want their relationship to begin because “oh we both know we like men now, we should get together” which is what it would feel like if they BOTH have sexuality arc separate from each other… and like it feels like it would go so against eddie to have him just have a random fling with a symbol of the religion that has been repressing him for so long… it’s not a fleabag moment, it’s not a ‘gotcha’ to catholicism- it’s a priest fetish and sexualizing eddie’s queerness rather than having a meaningful discovery tied to someone he knows he can trust which is a huge part of eddie- that he finds it hard to trust that people won’t leave him.

and to have them both date/sleep around before getting together would just make it feel like they are any other couple but they aren’t they have been dancing around and building up this thing between them for six years and to throw it all away just to have eddie sleep with a priest simply bc the fans think he’s hot just destroys that buildup and makes the wait not worth it bc that catharsis isn’t there… bc then it’s just another relationship for both of them that, yeah, may be their endgame one but it doesn’t set them apart in any way bc then they’re just getting together bc they’re both single at that point- there’s no buildup, there’s both release.

at that point it’s just “oh hey, what if we dated” “yeah sure” and that’s not what ive been waiting this long to see and to see people actually begging for that makes me so upset

especially with how plausible it is bc this wouldn’t be the craziest case of ooc writing tim has done… like it’s very much a possibility and if he’s going to be around for multiple episodes that means he’s playing a significant role, whether it be eddie’s sexuality or eddie becoming hyper religious again… neither being a good sign for us (ik it seems weird to say that eddie’s sexuality arc isn’t a good sign but his sexuality arc being brought about through the priest is not promising at all)

I agree with you! Though I don't think the priest is even confirmed to come back (but yeah, why would multiple actors follow him at the same time).

Honestly, I think Buck and Eddie's sexualities a little bit about each other, in a way that many part of their queer-coding comes from how they interact with each other. Also, everything we know about Eddie would make him having a fling truly out of character.

Also, there is no guarantee that we'll have an 9th season. Giving Eddie (or Buck) one more meaningless relationship as a "groundwork" for Buddie is just taking away chances to actually get Buddie. And I don't want that.

I also have multiple things against this whole priest thing that stems from me being Hungarian and having attended a catholic high school. All priest I know are homophobic (which is fair given the religion thinks being gay is a sin) or think engaging in gay sex is a sin (if they're a little bit more open-minded). I know the US has more progressive churches. And even without the whole "being gay is a sin" thing they have going on, they're celibate. One of the biggest think when becoming a priest of swearing off any kind of relationship (let it be sexual or romantic) and I don't want Eddie's first relationship to be some kind of hidden thing, he deserves better

I hope this all makes sense

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Gif credits

Gif credits

It wasn’t your fault.

Pairing/Au: Sweet gentle priest!Javi G X hurt grumpy!Joel Miller, post cordyceps outbreak. Did I just put Javi G in the outbreak? Yep, I did, sorry lol

Words count: 4758

Rating: +18

Warnings: POV third person, Javi is a priest in a community (I didn't use Jackson because I know almost nothing about the plot of the second game - I know that thing, yes 💔), it's a community organized similarly to how I saw in the first game), angst but also comfort, smut - gentle smut- , violence (very briefly), oral sex, drinking, suicidal thoughts, masturbation, Joel is grumpy af and he’s grieving hard because the same thing that happened with Sarah in the show/game happened in this universe, they're both implicitly bisexual in my head byeeeee, I won't put any other warnings so as not to spoil the plot, I hope I don't trigger anyone.

I've been trying different pairings lately and I have to say that I really enjoyed writing this one ❤️

I don't know why I thought of writing another hot priest story but in my head it worked, I hope you like it too. (I also put a Fleabag quote in it, yep)

No beta reader, English is not my first language so please, be kind, I apologize for any mistake.

When the outbreak began Javi had wandered with a couple of other people looking for a stable shelter. He was sure that God would help him. He was sure of it because he had dedicated his entire life to him. And then, who wouldn't help a priest? He had entered the seminary very young, under the pressure of his mother who was a fervent Catholic and dreamed of a safe life for him, in the arms of God.

He hadn't done it just for her but because he truly believed in it.

God seemed to have taken him under his wing and this gave him a lot of comfort, he was sure he had made the right choice.

He had been sent to America from Spain a few years after finishing his studies and assigned to a parish in Boston when the outbreak had swept away everything he had built, his efforts to keep the community united, the charitable initiatives and the changes that he had worked so hard to achieve.

He had a beautiful parish, faithfuls who respected him and saw in him a guide, everything he had always wanted.

And then he lost everything.

He had wandered for months with the only two parishioners who had escaped death with him, wondering if he would ever find peace.

They had found them on a Sunday in January, on a dirt road near a ruined corn field and had welcomed them into their group without problems.

Javi had thought that God had not forgotten him, a way of salvation was possible even in the midst of that destruction.

He immediately worked to bring comfort and be a useful member of the community, helping to look for food and useful materials to build fences and small houses. Over the years he had even managed to build a small church with the help of others, nothing fancy, just a small wooden structure with a crucifix that they had found during a patrol but it was still more than he had hoped for in that situation.

He led an overall peaceful existence now, he would never forget who he had lost and the horrors he had witnessed, but he still had faith in God and his plan for him.

Joel had arrived one morning in May.

They had found him barricaded in a grocery store, alone, and despite having tried to chase them away, in the end he had agreed to go with them.

He hadn't eaten for days because there was nothing edible left in the shop and he was also running out of bullets that he had collected for his weapon.

He was a lonely, introverted man of few words, with a tough appearance.

They had welcomed him mainly because they had discovered that Joel was a former contractor and this meant that he was able to repair fences, houses and build new structures if there were any need.

Javi had immediately sensed that there was something broken inside Joel, he had tried to talk to him several times but Joel's response had always been contemptuous.

One thing Javi had never admitted to himself was that he had sexual urges.

In fact, his only experiences date back to when he was a teenager and had kissed a girl who attended the same literature course as him, and another time, the last before entering the seminary a few months later, in which he had almost had sex with a boy.

He got drunk for the first time at a party and his friend Josè drove him home in his car. Javi was saying nonsense and Josè was laughing but trying to calm him down at the same time. They had been friends for many years and Javi had great admiration for him, he was a funny, kind and generous person with the ambition of one day becoming a great doctor.

They kissed in front of his house, while Josè tried to unfasten his seat belt to get him out of the car. They looked at each other and their mouths got close in an instant, Javi was shocked but at the same time incredibly excited. Panting into Josè’s mouth he felt something strong and shocking that had shaken his entire body making him forget for a moment his plans for the future.

He was already taking off his shirt while Josè had straddled him and continued kissing him, when he regained his lucidity and stopped.

He was about to give in but he hadn't.

He had rushed out of the car and entered the house with his heart beating wildly in his chest, without even saying goodbye to his friend.

He hadn't thought about it anymore, he had simply buried that memory in a hidden part of him without ever looking back. Only on cold nights spent out in the open had he remembered Josè.

He had wondered what had happened to him, if he had been saved and he hoped that he was well.

He missed that friend, it was difficult to admit he was the person who had made him feel alive the most throughout his life.

He no longer felt anything for anyone, he concentrated on studying and becoming a worthy priest. Everything had gone well. Until he saw Joel.

Joel definitely had something that reminded him of Josè, his dark brown eyes, his wavy hair, the ironic and teasing way he looked at him. Even Josè had never understood his choice to become a priest and Joel seemed to have the same skepticism.

He had made it clear that he did not believe in God and that he was totally uninterested in the mass that Javi celebrated every Sunday morning.

He had never once participated, preferring to work in the fields or do some repairs around the small village.

“I don't care about prayers, father, try it with someone else.” He replied in an annoyed tone when Javi tried to convince him “but since you believe in it so much why don't you ask your God why he made this happen.”

He spat on the ground while he was plowing a courgette field, looking at him with a derisive look.

It was as if he had spit on everything Javi believed in.

He didn't talk to him anymore, focusing on the other people in the community who were happy to listen to him instead.

Over the next few months, he noticed how much Joel had started drinking and acting like he was angry with the whole world.

He had never been particularly outgoing or talkative but was still friendly to everyone and went out of his way to help with whatever he could.

In the following months he had somehow faded away, Javi had noticed an ever-increasing decline. From a useful member of the community he had become a grumpy, intolerant man who never missed an opportunity to argue.

Someone had found some cases of whiskey hidden in an abandoned distillery during a search.

They had managed to transport them to the village and from then on Joel would often sneak in to steal a bottle or two.

He had been scolded several times but had never stopped. He seemed to care less and less what others thought and the umpteenth time Joel had made a scene at a man who had seen him sneak out of the warehouse with a bottle, Javi had decided it was enough.

He had to try to make it stop.

He knocked on his door with his heart in his mouth, praying to God to give him the strength to face it.

Joel threw open the door and looked at him as if he had just seen a pesky insect.

“What the hell do you want, father?” he hissed at him.

“I'd like to talk to you, Joel. Just talk to you. Please"

“I already told you I don't give a fuck, go give your sermons somewhere else”

He was about to close the door when Javi managed to stop it with his arm, holding it open with difficulty.

“Joel you can't continue like this, they'll kick you out”

“Who cares. You shouldn't care either, Father, go and tell fairy tales about God to the children and leave me alone for a damn time”

“Come on, let me in”

“No. Fuck you, father” he replied with growing anger, trying to slam the door in his face again.

Javi held the door open again with a strength he didn't even know he had. “Stop it, Joel, let me in,” he said in a firm voice.

Joel shrugged, irritated by Javi's insistence but also resigned to the fact that Javi wasn't leaving.

“Fuck. Whatever. Come on in. I don't know what the fuck you think you're solving”

Javi walked into the house as Joel flopped onto a tatty black leather couch in his living room.

“I'm just trying to make you see sense. No matter how strong and skilled you are, you won't be able to survive out there alone for long. They found you without food or water, you were about to die of starvation, do you remember this?”

“Yes, I fucking remember this, Father.” he muttered.

Every time Joel called him Father, Javi heard an ironic tone in his voice, a growing contempt.

“So what do you think you're going to do?” he replied, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know and most of all, I don’t fucking care, Father.”

"Why do you behave like this? Why do you keep getting drunk and making a scene, what's wrong?”

Joel looked at him as if he couldn't believe his ears “What exactly on earth do you want from me?? It's my business and I have no intention of becoming one of your lost sheep, I felt like that was clear from the start”

Javi could see his intense pain behind that defiant look.

“Why do you suddenly hate everyone? What did these people do to you? They took you in and fed you and gave you a roof over your head, don't you think you should at least be grateful to them for saving you?”

“Saved me from what, exactly? You know nothing about me Father."his eyes darted in disgust and pain.

Javi suddenly understood.

There was something that devoured him and tormented him with each passing day.

“You loved people before this, didn't you? And you lost them. You're hurting, Joel. I can see it. Why don't you tell me what happened?”

Joel got up from the couch going towards him, grabbed the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the wall shouting “What would you like to do huh? Psychoanalyze me? Make me confess? Convince me that prayers will save me?”

Javi could smell the whiskey on his breath, it rose strong and sour to his nostrils.

“I just want to help you. What would you want to do? Hit me? Punch me in the face? Kick me maybe? And then what would you have solved?” He replied, remaining calm.

Javi was sure he was chipping away at his armor, he could see it in his eyes, no matter how hard Joel tried to resist.

Joel slapped him forcefully, Javi's cheek burned with pain and for a moment he thought about turning on his heels and leaving him to destroy himself. But he couldn't.

“Maybe you don't understand, so let me make it clear to you once and for all. There is no damn solution. She will never come back” he shouted in his face only to hear his words die in his throat. Javi managed to make him say what he had never spoken about to anyone.

His eyes were even darker than usual, marked by deep wrinkles that drew all the pain of his soul on his face, making it evident to Javi's aware and attentive gaze.

“Who have you lost, Joel?”

“Nobody, it's none of your business”

“Tell me,” he said calmly, “I know you're scared but it will do you some good.”

Joel was still holding him firmly against the wall but Javi was no longer afraid.

“Fuck you, Father. Fuck you. Go away from here and leave me alone. I will never talk to you"

“Tell me who you lost, Joel” he repeated sweetly. It seemed to him that Joel's pain filled the room.

He was one step away from collapsing, but Javi was sure that getting rid of that burden that he had never shared with anyone would help him. It was a mourning that he had never processed.

“My daughter,” Joel said suddenly and let go of Javi as if all his strength had failed him at that moment.

“It wasn't your fault” Javi said, looking him in the eyes.

"What do you know about it? You weren't there, you don't know what happened" Joel's eyes were filling with tears, he was finally letting out that vulnerable part of him that he had been trying to repress for years.

“It wasn’t your fault” Javi repeated

Joel looked at him once again as if he were crazy. “You don't know shit, stop it"

“It wasn’t your fault” Javi's voice was calm, delicate, but resolute at the same time. He was determined to make him understand.

Joel pushed him by the shoulders. “Get out of here,” he shouted

“It wasn’t your fault”

“Stop repeating that. Stop it or I swear I'll break your jaw"

“It wasn’t your fault”

Javi didn't stop in the face of threats, he didn't care, he could beat him if he wanted but at that point he could never leave him alone.

“Jesus, fuck” Joel muttered and he covered his face with his hands to hide the tears that were streaming down his face. He clenched his teeth so hard that Javi could hear the noise “yes, it was my fucking fault! I was her father, I should have protected her and I wasn't able to do it. She's dead and I'm still alive and it's not fucking fair."

Joel leaned against the wall, crying loudly, his sobs coming out of his throat like a clash of blades.

“I lost people too, Joel. It wasn’t your fault”

“I'm good for nothing, maybe I just deserve to die”

Javi approached him and took his face in his hands “This isn't true, Joel”

“I don't deserve anything” he murmured through tears

“That’s not true. Look into my eyes. That's not true, Joel. It wasn’t your fault”

Joel stared at him with pain in his eyes that gripped Javi's heart.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“It was…” Joel sighed “it happened on the first day of the outbreak, we were running away and we found ourselves in a field near the city and a soldier saw us and shot, I tried to shout that we weren't infected but it didn't help, he didn't believe me... I don’t know. Sarah was injured. She died in my arms without me being able to do anything to save her”

Javi understood why he had changed lately. In a few days it would be the anniversary of Sarah's death.

Joel cried silently, tears streaming down his face, wetting his lips and chin.

Instinctively he approached and kissed him.

Joel widened his eyes as he pulled away from him “what are you doing?”

“It wasn’t your fault” Javi repeated once again, reaching out to caress his cheek, covered in a thin, salt and pepper, unkempt beard.

He kissed him again and this time Joel leaned into the kiss.

Javi felt his lips part as tears wouldn't stop falling.

Javi deepened the kiss and Joel didn't resist, he laced his hands behind Javi's neck moaning into his mouth, licking greedily as if he were starving, sucking on his bottom lip and biting it as if he was trying to feed on him.

Javi didn't know what he was doing, but he knew he didn't want to stop.

He wondered if God would forgive him but in that moment all he wanted was Joel. He wanted him desperately, he wanted him in a way he had never wanted anyone, he couldn't let him go.

He knew it from the first time he saw him, covered in rags and smelly, when they brought him to the village.

He knew it from the first time he looked into his eyes and saw his desperation and couldn't stop thinking about it.

He knew it from the first time he wanted to touch him, to see what was under those filthy clothes and felt his erection pressing against his pants.

Like all his impulses, he had tried to suppress it, but now he couldn't do it anymore.

Javi's hands moved feverishly as he unbuttoned Joel's shirt, he looked him in the eyes as if he were asking him to free him, to make him good, there was a sort of silent invocation in his gaze to which Javi could only respond.

They were both impatient, clumsy, hopeless as they ripped each other's clothes off.

Joel tore off the white collar from his neck, knocked off all the buttons on his black priest's shirt and took his lips again licking into his mouth like his life depended on it.

Javi unbuttoned and pulled down his pants and Joel took them off by stepping on them and kicking them.

They couldn't take their eyes off each other, it was as if they were in a time and space where only they existed, nothing that had happened mattered anymore.

Joel's pain was still welling up in his eyes and Javi wanted nothing more than to ease it.

He took his face in his hands and kissed him again, their tongues intertwining and chasing each other, their saliva mixing, Joel's lips tasting like his tears, it was too much, all too much for Javi to stop.

Joel gasped looking into his eyes “Fuck. Fuck me. Now. Please, Javi”

It was the first time he called him by name, without making fun of him, he was no longer "Father", he was just Javi.

Javi moved a hand down to his boxers, making room to enter, he could see his erection and wanted to touch him with everything he had.

He surrounded his cock, squeezing it, felt it throbbing under his fingers and began to massage it slowly, without stopping looking into his eyes.

"Is that what you want?"

“Yes” Joel replied in a breath “Fuck, don’t stop”

Javi went down his length, then came back up and began to pump him, without haste, trying to enjoy that sensation to the fullest. It was the first time he had touched someone like that, he wasn't sure if he was doing it right. He felt it warm, wet and slippery like silk between his fingers.

Joel's body was shaking, he stammered "please, pl- please"

Joel buried his face in the crook of his neck, sighing into his skin, Javi put a hand in his hair, tangling his fingers in his curls, pulling gently “Look at me. Look at me while I do this”

Joel raised his face and looked at him, his eyes glassy and feverish. Joel had done it many times, alone, in the dark, in the silence of his room, and then stopped entirely when the tragedy occurred. He would never have thought that one day it would be another man doing it. Not after the outbreak and not after he lost Sarah. Sex hadn't been on his mind for years, there was nothing else filling his thoughts other than the fact that his daughter would never return.

He had convinced himself that he didn't deserve to feel good, to feel relief.

Javi's eyes were now telling him that he was wrong, that he deserved another chance and that life wasn't over, even though Sarah would always remain a part of him, a pain he couldn't forget.

Javi continued to massage him, staring into his eyes "it's okay, Joel, you deserve to feel good too"

It was like he was reading his mind and Joel didn't know how it was possible but Javi was taking a load off his shoulders.

Javi increased the pace, fisting his entire length, feeling him twitching and shaking under his touch.

Joel couldn't hold it back any longer

“I think I’m about to co-” he muttered “fuck, I’m coming Javi, I’m coming”

“It’s okay, give to me, give it all to me” Javi replied

Joel grunted and shuddered and released long strings of cum into Javi's hand.

Javi held onto him by the waist, continuing to stroke him as he calmed down enjoying the warmth of his broad chest against his bare skin.

“God. I haven't felt this way in years” Joel said leaning on Javi's shoulder.

Javi put his hand in his hair and whispered, "I've never felt like this before."

Joel looked up at him in disbelief just for a moment before remembering that Javi was a priest.

A priest who had probably never had sex in his life.

“Fuck. Oh fuck, this is your first time? Have you never done anything like this before?”

“No” Javi replied “of course not. Well, I kissed a girl once. And I almost… uhm… done something with a boy”

“Holy fuck”

“Could you not swear??” Javi smiled caressing his neck and then lowering his hand to his chest.

“I don't think it's the time to be moral” Joel laughed softly

They sat together on the couch, Javi resting his head on Joel's shoulder.

“So…since you're still half naked…is there anything else you'd like to do?”

Joel ruffled Javi's hair as his laughter vibrated on his skin.

“uh, well… I would like…” and he kissed him again “you know… I would like you to fuck me”

“How?”

“I think… with your mouth, Joel. Just for now”

“Is it too early for?”

“Yeah. I think… yeah.”

“It’s okay, it’s not like I have so much experience with that”

“Have you ever done it?”

“Like, a couple of times… 20 years ago? With girls only”

“Oh”

Joel was still playing with Javi’s hair, weaving his fingers into his curls and gently unraveling them.

“Did you think I was more experienced?”

“Definitely”

“Why?”

“Because… well, because you’re insanely hot” Javi admitted shyly

Joel laughed “Am I?”

“Yes” Javi said, looking up and getting lost in his eyes.

Joel kissed him hungrily and in a breath he replied "you too"

Joel knelt at the foot of the sofa and Javi looked at him enraptured. He began to undo Javi’s trousers with his hands shaking. He wanted to do it, he was eager to see Javi's cock and wondered what he tasted like, but at the same time he also wondered what would happen if he didn't like it.

He slowly took off his boxers and his cock spring free, already wet and hard.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned” he whispered.

His mouth was watering at the vision.

Javi laughed “really very appropriate”

“It is. Fuck. Look at that” Joel's gaze was fixed on Javi's cock.

“Well, you're really unbearable sometimes but at least you're good at making people feel good whenever you want…who would have thought”

Joel squinted and his lips curved into a smile.

“Oh I know I can do much better than this” he said, moving his hand down Javi's tummy, on that happy trail of hair that went down to his groin.

Joel leaned down to lick the tip and Javi sighed. It was sticky and salty and musky, like nothing he had ever tasted.

He liked it.

He wanted more.

He lowered himself further to reach the base and came up with his tongue flat on its entire length and then back down again.

It was warm under his tongue, soft and wet.

Javi groaned "Oh my God" and wished he would go faster but Joel took his time and Javi wanted to respect that.

Joel circled the base with his hand and he licked the tip, just the tip three, four times, trying various angles, first only with the tip of the tongue then flat on the frenulum, and then he tried to surround it entirely with his mouth, letting his tongue swirling on it.

He was gaining confidence. It's not that he had never had oral before, he had always enjoyed doing it with all the girls he had had but he didn't know if it would be different with a man. He decided that it was just as pleasant if not more so. He felt Javi throbbing under his fingers, quivering under his tongue and every shake of his body made him proud and satisfied that he was doing well. He wanted to make him feel good.

He made his length disappear inside his mouth, he felt it slide deliciously on his tongue and on the roof of his mouth.

Javi was big, bigger than he would have imagined and feeling him harden in his mouth made him gasp a little, he understood for the first time why his ex-girlfriends took so long to get used to him. He was big too, maybe slightly bigger than Javi, he was certainly a lot to take in.

Javi murmured “please, Joel” and he began to move, up and down his length sucking on the tip when he reached the top, hiding his teeth behind his lips.

He looked Javi in ​​his shining eyes as he did it and in his gaze he read a mixture of gratitude and impatience, it was as if he was urging him to go faster but at the same time he was trying to focus on every single sensation he was making him feel.

He felt his veins pulsing against his lips as he moved up and down to stroke him with his tongue.

He spat on the tip, then spread his saliva all around with just one finger, careful to be gentle, and started sucking again. Hearing Javi moan softly sent a rush of adrenaline straight to his head, he was intoxicated by him, by the taste of him, by his husky sounds of approval.

“God, you’re so good”

Joel pulled out with a pop

"Do you like it? Tell me how much you like it” he whispered, his lips dangerously close to Javi's cock, so much so that he could feel the vibration of words and the heat of his breath right on the tip.

“Too much, I like it too much. Please - ha - please don't stop"

Joel took one of his balls in his hand, squeezing it slowly as he continued to work on his length.

His mouth was now full of his cock, his breath short, and Javi begins to slowly move his hips, rocking against his face, feeling Joel's nose repeatedly bump against his crotch.

He arched his back and pulled his head back squeezing his eyes and Joel knew that he was right on the edge.

“Oh God. Fuck. Oh fuck- GOD” Javi hissed as a gush of seed hit Joel's throat and he swallowed all he could, the taste of Javi now enveloping his entire mouth.

Javi was panting, his whole body was shaking with tremors, Joel held him tightly by the hips so he wouldn't slip and continued to suck it until he felt him relax.

He stood up feeling his knees hurt “Christ, I'm too old for this” sitting back down on the couch, his head leaning back on the backrest, exhausted.

Javi laughed softly, caressing his chest, playing with one of his nipples "I think you did great"

Joel turned to look at him “did you like it?” and Javi replied with a malice that he felt he had never had before “what did it seem like to you, huh?”

“I don't know Father, I think so since I heard you swear” he smiled back, stroking Javi’s hand

“I didn't swear at all”

“Well, almost” and he laughed. He laughed like he didn’t do in years.

“Are you feeling better?” Javi asked, resting his head on his chest.

“Yes. Yes, a little. Thanks to you” and kissed Javi's hair inhaling his clean scent.

“Mourning is a winding road, but it is worth traveling and overcoming”

“Javi?”

“Yes?”

“Can you promise me something?”

“I think so, what?”

“I know you're a priest but…don't give me church bullshit while I'm trying to go down this path, can you?”

Javi rolled his eyes “Okay, Miller”

“Thank you, Father”

“Oh don't call me father like it doesn't turn you on just saying it.”

Joel laughed heartily "Does it hurt?"

“What?”

“Your cheek, dummy” said Joel, caressing him over the mark he had left with his knuckles.

“I wasn't even thinking about it anymore”

“I’m sorry” Joel said said softly

“It’s okay”

“Next time I won't hit you”

Javi felt a smile spreading out on his face “do you mean there will be a next time?”

“If you want, Father. Are you worried about not seeing the gates of heaven?”

“Stop calling me that. And btw, no, I’m not worried”

“Good. because I'm not going to keep my hands to myself”

“I won’t complain, Miller” and he kissed the bald patch in his beard, feeling better than he had in years. If God hadn't forgiven him, it would have been worth it.

[crowleys-dark-sunglasses]

I watched the entirety of fleabag today and honestly that was a cinematic and writing masterpiece.

It was so real and especially the relationship between fleabag and Claire. It mimics the same I have with my sister in more ways than one. They don't see eachother much and they're weird when it comes to emotional talks and the scene where Claire goes to hug fleabag a d she jumps back like it was scary was so funny to me because it's just like... YES THATS SUCH A SISTER THING. They don't always like eachother but as Claire said in the final episode, fleabag was the only one she'd run to the airport for

I could get into fleabag and the priests relationship too and why I loved ot so much hut it would make this post like 3 times longer so I will hold off on that for now cause I think I'm gonna re-watch season 2 to see if I can pick up on anything else.

[msicamouse]

long post that is meant to make you like francesca even more

guys, i'm all for revisiting classics and reinterpreting them in a way one feels meaningful for their context, but it is much more fun if you know what you're building on.

so.

storytime (with some really brutal simplifications): early xiv century, dante lives and writes his works. a few years later (but there's some overlap) petrarch writes a collection which is quite the opposite of what dante had done: a really really limited number of ideas, topoi, even vocabulary recombined in all possible ways and brought to a stylistic perfection that dante had not completely acquired - which is normal when you're writing a 100k poem in which you're using all possible language and imagery, from the highest to the filthiest.

for around 4 centuries, almost everyone forgets about dante (and writes clones of petrarch's works - "copying" was not considered bad at the time, quite the opposite). then romanticism comes and people decide writing about farting demons (i'm not making this up) is actually cool and imagination >>> perfect technique.

i'd say that, in this respect, two centuries have gone by but that's still where we're at.

but both us and romantics don't think of life, values, religion the way a man of the middle age used to. so, we're all really hyped about not just farting demons, but also non-farting demons, proud men of state who still care more about the ideas they had in life than the hell they're in, tragedies, hatreds, and, yes, lovers brought to hell by their love. (did i mention we all like hell best? that definitely wasn't the author's intent. but well he's dead).

we can't say if dante himself saw some beauty in all of this, but it is sure that his moral judgement was firm against it. not in a cool priest-from-fleabag way. in a serious way. (a really important thing about studying the past is that you have to understand that in some ways people have stayed the same, and in others they have changed a lot).

he was sincerely against the sin francesca committed cheating on her husband (with her brother-in-law!) and francesca was sincerely regretting it. that's something that would be inconceivable to any modern writer. in dante's hell there are some sinners who don't regret their sins, but they're usually the worst of the worst.

also: before writing the divine comedy, dante wrote a lot of love poems. he and his friends were starting off with some tropes which mostly came from provence, in france. poems from provence usually stated that love had to be adulterous, or it wasn't real (which made sense in a moment in which marriages in upper classes were mostly arranged, if not forced), and it was conceived as complete devotion of the man towards the woman. what you can see reading dante's works in order is that he started off with those tropes, but then found them incompatible with cristianity, and shifted towards a form of completely spiritual, selfless love. the figurative devotion became quite literal; calling the loved one "an angel" was not exactly a metaphor anymore, etc.

he distanced himself completely to all of french love poetry. what was the utmost example of that? the most famous adulterous couple of the time? the otp? yeah, sir lancelot and guinevere.

and what couple were paolo and francesca reading about when they gave up and had their first kiss? exactly.

so, what dante is saying with the episode of paolo and francesca, is something along: you have no idea how close i came to ending up like the two of them. i'm so glad i found the right way in time, and at the same time i completely understand what they've been through. i'm glad that it wasn't me, i despise what they did, but i empathize with it.

so. about hozier.

one of the most amazing things for me about the song francesca is that it's (consciously?) none of that. bc all of that is extremely fascinating (at least to me) but it would be inconceivable today. who would really despise a woman who was forced to marry someone she didn't now just bc she cheated on him, and to despise her to the point of seriously thinking she really deserves to be tortured forever.

the point of hozier's song is the opposite: i'm not regretting any of this. (if we're imagining his hell to be metaphoric, i'd say it's the guilt, the mess made maybe). i would take no chance on salvation, and would do that again.

and isn't that the most romantic (as in "well-suited in the current of xix century romanticism") thing you can summon?

[lastweeksshirttonight]

Did you want my notes on Strike Force Five episode one? No? TOO BAD! YOU'RE GETTING THEM!

(Heavy spoilers for episode 1 if you plan on listening soon!)

- I love the show's overall vibe and the "roles" that all of the guys play. It's definitely a free-wheeling, off the rails kind of show, where everyone is rambling over each other; the personalities involved can make or break this kind of podcast, and everyone thankfully is playing to their strengths.

Kimmel serves as the overall show runner and is seemingly the only one endeavoring to keep anything on track, which is a slightly thankless job with this group, but he's got a soundboard and all his radio experience guiding him. Colbert also leans into being the other "elder statesman", as it were, but is much easier to derail (and provides his own episode eclipsing derail I'll talk about later). Fallon is surprisingly reserved and a bit awkward - I'm not the hugest fan of Fallon, but in this podcast, that energy serves him pretty well. Kimmel introduces Seth as "the cute one" and he seems the most neutral so far, just there to ask questions and crack jokes. And John is their super sarcastic "evil teammate" who occasionally interjects to just destroy everyone. Perfect dynamics, 10/10, no notes.

- Seth qualifies his eyes as ocean blue. John says they're Gatorade blue. I don't think I've ever laughed harder at a description of someone's eyes.

- There's a point where I assume there must have been a really blunt edit, because Fallon changes the topic abruptly to having a doctorate. Otherwise, I love the image of Fallon just sitting on that revelation and WAITING, BURSTING to talk about how he has a doctorate, while everyone else talks about Kimmel getting paid summers off.

- Everyone mention multiple times that they have sponsors and are doing this show to help pay their staff during the strikes, which is lovely. This does not mean they aren't taking the piss out of their sponsors. I never thought I'd hear worse ad copy reading than I do on The Jeff Gerstmann Show (I love Jeff, don't get me wrong, but his ad copy screaming is hilariously bad), but the Casamigos ad in this is something else. John spends most of his reading time shitting on a bleeped-out competitor that he calls "not fit for human consumption", Stephen says "you're gonna wanna wipe your ass with it" and likens it to the smoothness of sheets you make love on, there's a disembodied "woo" at some point, Seth stumbles all over a few Spanish words, and Fallon delivers his lines in his awful fake French Timothee Chalamet puppet voice. It's pure chaos and I love it so much.

- Kimmel referring to "the despicable Matt Damon" made me so happy.

- John has never done a deposition. Kimmel saying "I'm surprised you're not in prison" gets lost which is sad, that's a fucking hilarious joke.

- Fallon tells an amazing story about his mom being a nun for a week. She left after being reprimanded for taking Lifesavers into the nunnery and then left. My late aunt and best friend, who was also a nun, probably would have loved Jimmy's mom, as she was always going on wine tastings and picked the order she joined entirely based on who would let her continue to drink after taking her vows. Jimmy also has a picture of his mom dressed as a nun holding a doll dressed as a nun, which is absurd and adorable.

- This leads to everyone but Seth confessing that they'd all thought about becoming priests at some point. That doesn't shock me about Stephen at all, tbf, knowing how religious he is.

- I have to shamefully admit that when John mentioned that he told his father he wanted to be a vicar, my brain went to an extremely Fleabag place and I had to rewind the podcast once I snapped out of it and realized I'd missed like 3 minutes of jokes (including a fantastic one from Seth about John having a doll of himself as a child, like Fallon's mom's nun doll).

- "Don't you want a whole new crop of relatives to visit and entertain?" "Do you wanna get cancelled?! :D" The two Jimmys everyone.

- Stephen reveals who he has everyone saved as in his phone, to prevent people from figuring out who his contacts are if his phone gets stolen. John's is Joliver, which 1) was his name as written on TDS scripts to differentiate him from Jon Stewart, and 2) as everyone points out, is a VERY easy code to crack. Don't really need Sherlock for that one.

- ONE OF US ALERT: Stephen collects weird late night shit, like a hat from The Chevy Chase Show (John literally goes "WOW") and a silk jacket from The Pat Sajak Show. I am very jealous of this collection.

- Next episode everyone will talk about first episodes. I cannot wait to hear John talk about how all over the place his first episode is.

- The big story, running joke, and completely wild admission from this episode - Stephen Colbert has a pair of Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza's pants. Fallon asks how no one outbid him, and it turns out his MOTHER had them BECAUSE SHE DATED HIM. His uncle went to LaSalle Military Academy with Somoza, and Somoza stayed with them during holiday breaks. Everyone else in the room picks up on the idea that Stephen's mom probably slept with a dictator (or as Kimmel says, "made love to a murderer"), Seth claims his mom drinks coffee out of Ferdinand Marcos' skull, and every other male figure Stephen brings up for the rest of the episode is assumed to be someone his mom slept with.

If you asked me before listening to this podcast if I thought there were going to be a pile of elevated "your mom" jokes holding it together, I would have pretty strongly said "no". Surprises at every turn in this pod.

The beginning of this story also captures John SO STRONGLY, and he wants to hear everything about it. Definite Bugle vibes there, this man will never not want to hear about weird dictator facts. He also manages to completely kill Seth by saying "Anastasio Somoza's pants, brought to you by Casamigos".

- Finally, I have already sent an email to the show asking about Planet of the Bass, to make up for my complete failure to ask at the Q&A. I got y'all, we'll get this answer some day.

[zalrb]

hi, i recently watched 'hilda furacão' which was a trip to say the least... the leads had insane chemistry and i am dying to know what you think of them! to give some background, it's about hilda who flees her wedding, cuts off contact with her family and joins a brothel. shortly after she gets a lot of backlash from the church and she ends falls in love with a priest.

here's an edit of the couple: https://youtu.be/FGGU6IXOHlc?si=wLpBQayWuaLTWyoU

I know it's not an accurate way to show that they have chemistry but still wanted to show it anyways 😅 so what do you think?

OK so I ended up watching some scenes on tiktok and then some scenes on YouTube and then I watched the edit. I think for me it's more about their narrative than their chemistry, like it's incredibly angsty, it's incredibly dramatic, like this is just SO MUCH

And Malthus has that wide-eyed ingenue innocence

and he's tormented by his feelings for her

and the circumstances are ripping them up inside

and then there's the jealousy and the push-pull

and they have REALLY loaded scenes together

like when she strips in front of him and has him touch her breast

it's basically Take Me To Church and I get that like I keep seeing that Hilda walked so Fleabag could run but Fleabag is NOWHERE NEAR this. I would be invested if I watched it. I would ship them if I watched it. I would make a million vids of them.

And they commit to the scenes so they work but it's not so much the chemistry that has me like HOLY SHIT, it's the things that they're doing, it's the passion, it's the anguish. Like watching this, I'd be living I'd be invested because of everything that's surrounding it and how loaded it all is

but it's not like they look at each other and I'm like oh DAMN, it's not like they get in each other's space and just them being in each other's space has me like C H E M I S T R Y because I look at this and I'm like, yeah it's fine

[unnecessarilygrandiose]

I binged Fleabag in two sittings and I am in awe. What a brilliant, beautiful show it is. There is so much to love about it, but the one thing that I can't stop thinking about is the way the narrative was crafted, and the way Fleabag breaking the fourth wall made us part of the story.

So season one pretty much establishes that her talking to us while going about her life is a coping mechanism, a metaphor for dissociation. It was a really great season, but the finale, instead of showing her actually begin to heal, showed shit hitting the fan, and then towards the very end kind of sort of depicted her turning toward the general direction of getting her life on track. At the end of this season, I was like. Wait. That's it? That's the end? Aren't we going to see her actually get better? Well thank god there's season two left still because I want to see her try to get her life back together.

But then season two began with '371 days later' and that really threw me off. Apparently she had managed to get her life a fair bit together by then, but why didn't we get to see that?

Something shifted in episode two, when the counselor asked Fleabag if she had friends and she winked at us. To me, it felt almost like another layer of the fourth wall removed: she isn't just saying stuff to herself and it's being shown as her talking to the camera: she's actually speaking to us. This isn't her only being self aware from the third person's perspective as a way to block out her real life, it's a back and forth. A conversation. It was at this moment that I very distinctly wished someone would notice it within the show.

And then came episode three and the Priest did. It's significant that this happened in the same conversation as when he confessed to liking her, because now he's starting to actually see her. And we all know what happens next— they fall further in love, Fleabag starts messing up who she's talking to, and the Priest–fouth wall relationship concludes with her physically pushing us away when they're having sex because for once, she wants to be present in her own life.

I think it was after this really that it really started to hit home for me: there's a reason we don't ever see her heal. We see her start to heal and get better, but we never could have seen her simply running the café, or petting Hillary and Stephanie just because, or spending time with Claire, or simply being. There's a reason we don't see those 371 days when she started to get better. There's a reason why we left Fleabag's life the last time she saw her family, and returned to it the first time she saw them again after a year. Because we're who she turns to when she's sad, afraid. Lonely.

This is the genius thing for me: we're part of the story. Not only as a coping mechanism, but as a plot device. As something that influences the story simply by watching it unfold.

This story would simply not have the same impact if it existed in a vacuum. It would have been a story about a fucked up woman doing fucked up things and trying her best not to, and it would be good, but it would not have been the same. Actually, this particular story would just would not have existed if we weren't watching it. If she wanted to say what she wanted to and we weren't there to listen, where would she have put her grief? We are integral to this story. This back and forth between Fleabag and us, this communication, this awareness of each other is what makes this story alive.

No, she said to us when we tried to follow her after the guy she loved told her he loved god more. We care about her, and we started to follow her to make sure she's okay. But she shook her head. Not tonight.

And that's how we know she'll be okay.

[sprog-writes]

Fleabag and Sexy Priest Au

But in the sense of "4th wall breaker/the only person that can tell they're breaking the 4th wall"

Soap's the 4th wall breaker, constantly looking at the camera and making faces.

He meets Ghost and after making eye contact he looks in the "camera" and fans himself.

Soap: "Are you ok, Lieutenant?"

Ghost: Scoff "Oh, fuck you calling me Lieutenant like it doesn't turn you on just to say it"

Ghost breaks at one point and just yells at him, "WHERE ARE YOU LOOKING-"

He can't hear his comments and he can't see what he sees, not can he do the same. But he can tell Soap's distracted

That he's looking somewhere else even though he doesn't actually see him move

I'm especially imagining that one scene where she gets confused and makes a comment to us that was meant for a guy she was talking to and vice versa

He's got to make constant comments about the people around him the entire time. Every time Graves he's grimacing at the 'camera'.

Snippets of ideas under the cut

Listening in to his Captain's conversations with Gaz is usually a good way of gathering gossip. "There must be something about being in the forces for longer," he tells you. "Something that makes people incredibly noisy. Price always knows everything that's going on on base -not that he uses that knowledge against his soldiers- and Gaz is like a sponge, ready to lap up all of it." he glances at Gaz and then back at you. "Curious bastard." Even if not part of the conversation, he was listening with more attention than it deserved. He doesn't know how Gaz gets their Superior Officer to engage in certain topics, but the fact remains that they're now talking about their romantic interests. "Stop playing, Sergeant. Whatever you're seeing between me and Nik is entirely the fruit of your imagination." Price defends himself from whatever objectively correct observation Gaz had thrown his way. "Nik is a pilot that sometimes lends us a hand. He and Price have been dancing around each other for ages," he tells you. "I'm pretty sure Ghost caught them kissing at least once, judging by how Nik looks at him." Soap played with his food and, looking up, found Ghost staring right at him. He blushed. He looks at you. "Kinda like that, yeah. Same… Knowing look in his eyes." He squinted, eyebrows furrowing. "Huh…"

He was sitting in during a meeting. He wasn't technically required to, but Ghost had invited him. "I can't say no to that face." He winks at you. So, he was listening to his Captian go on and on about budgets and "Wait," he says to you, "should I be paying attention?" He risked a glance around the room and his eyes met Ghosts. He quickly adverted his gaze and looked back at you. "Oh, I should definately be paying attention. Ghost is giving me a certain look." He looked at Price, giving his best impression of an employee who knew exactly what his boss was talking about. He looked back at you. "And it's not the sexy kind of look either. Unfortunately."

-

[stevie-petey]

m.......my word.......that chapter.......real excellence........literature has entered the arena......

there is so much good stuff packed in here, but i think i will (try to) focus on like, mainly 2 things, one being bug and jon soulmatism and the other being steve and bug lover era.

the two scenes, one right before jon leaves with joyce and nancy is SO heartbreakingly good. Her saying NO to him felt like such a needed thing, both to let go of jon and move on for both of them, but also to establish a real, firm boundary in ways she couldn't do before this. the way you described it was so beautiful, "There’s an ease within the shift, almost akin to a soft exhale in December’s cold. It parts you with a gentle farewell, strokes your cheek as it departs, and you can faintly see its outline as it floats away. " it's so soft and tender and it just feels soooo like saying goodbye to someone tenderly with a kiss it's crazy actually. the stroking her cheek makes it so good, it's so beautiful, it really is like the nicest and most gentle thing ever. i love how tactile you describe love. It's so wonderfully paired with the body aches of unrequited love bug feels, "A thread, one that has tugged within your chest in a painful ache since last year, finally loosens", and the imagery of jon and bug soulmate thread/thread of fate being sown into their chest and loosening as they grow to accept the fate/choices of this world is so interesting, and again, it's so hands on that it makes it quite literally feel more real. The thing that really broke me was this scene though, "He litters kisses up and down your neck, his breath tickling as he does so. “I’m sorry,” he says in between each kiss, as if his words will make the bruises fade faster." Coming out as a neck kisser lover, omgggg, this was sooo romantic and tragic and heartbreaking, it really reminded me of like, when fleabag and hot priest were sitting on that fucking bench going "it'll pass" to each other like okayyyyy. i'm SICK. SICK to my stomach with that.....the imagery of getting the shit beat outta you while trying to protect will and jon and max from monsters and like weirdo brothers after letting jon go and like allow both of you to move on AND THEN just lie with him for the last time......WHILE HE KISSES YOUR NECK REVERENTIALLY........pitching myself off of a dark cliff into croc infested waters hoping i can battle one of them to death nature doc style. ANd then dropping this line on me, "No more words are said, Jonathan presses kisses against your skin as your fingers interlock through his hair and you run your hand up and down his back. Somehow, you know this will be the last time you ever have him like this...Jonathan’s touch will soon become ghosts lingering on your skin, and selfishly you never want this moment to end." All the touching and grasping and innocent kissing because they know it'll be the last time and that they'll never get to experience it again and so they're just lying together not even doing anything......just touching each other and feeling the other's weight........oh my goodness gracious LORD. crazy to do M!!!! ANd omg when they agree they could have been something great......yeah siri play "the one" by taylor swift. no but seriously, that whole sequence was so excellent, and i really loved how tactile and gentle their last touches were, i think you repeated the december line by saying his touches on her were ghostly, and it's so nice how that plays out with both of them gently accepting that it's not going to be them two in this lifetime, and just sort of feeling the ghost of that possibility, that fate, that destiny, leave so gently, and not violently or graspingly or desperate, compared to earlier scenes.

I love how it transfers over to Nancy and Steve too. I thought these lines, when steve is helping her lie down right before jon comes back were so cool, "He’s here, offering you anything you need from him, and you’re exhausted from pretending that you don’t see it...The gentleness of his touch soothes you. You’ve never let anyone take care of you like this before. You let him play with your hair, wrap the blanket around you so that you won’t get cold, and when he finally seems pleased with his work, he flicks your nose and smiles." LIKE he's playing with her hair the way she played with jon's hair, and he's wrapping blankets around her and making her comfortable when SHE used to do that for JON and like everyone else and now she's getting the same treatment FINALLY. and again, the love is so gentle and so slow and tepid and it makes sense with these two too, with how hesitant bug even was to see him as an option/let him into his life at all (freezing him out for like months is so crazy i'm kind of obsessed with how that'll play out later on in their relationship), and how he needs time to feel and fall in love back......real excellence depicted in such a short scene! and i love that holding hands with steve heals "old and new wounds" that's so UGH!!!! i LOVE that steve who sort of wanted to take care of someone, but didn't know how to do it and was also dating someone who needed a different kind of support, is able to give that to bug who does need it! and sidenote, i love that jon helps nancy with her slay journalistic integrity plot and that nancy is able to be with someone who idk takes it seriously and i like that jon is with someone who sort of emotionally works from a similar place as him if that makes sense? idk i got off track there, but i just again, love love love the softness in the steve-bug start and bug-jon end. ALso this part, "It hit you like a warm, soft summer breeze. It swirled around you, kissed your skin the way only the sun can do, and you could almost smell the fresh summer honey that your dad used to buy for your birthday. The feeling was serene, it felt as easy as exhaling." briniging in warmth of summer of letting in steve and accepting nancy compared to the gentle winter of letting jon go.....love that down girl. Need someone to see me in a dress and be like damn she IS the soft summer sun STAT and i do think about leaving the cold winter breeze of my ex bsf frequently.

The ending gagged me bad btw!! I love that he upfront asks her to wait for him, to be patient with him, and outright calls her beautiful and an angel, i love how clear they are with each other instead of the sort of tightlipped tension that they had in the earlier part of the season and that jon and bug had in their we're-in-love-but-we-won't-tell-the-other that stretched YEARS. that's on open communication! I am sooooo excited for season 3 and see where it goes! honestly, i did not expect them to like, be like accepting of love, and understanding the other this quickly, i really thought it was going to be a case of maybe unrequited feelings 2: electric boogaloo where they both maybe idk struggle to find themselves good to fall in love, like steve is like on a self esteem binge and is like no way i can fall in love with her and bug would be on her i legit just got heartbroken don't need that right it's time for some me time grind, but i was pleasantly surprised with how much character development happened for both of them. i am still curious, as i mentioned, if bug's hesitation towards open vulnerability will present itself as a challenge in s3 and 4, and if steve's feelings of what the hell am i if not king will impact his side of feelings.

Also, loved nancy and bug best friendship. WAS NOT EXPECTING HER TO BE LIKE "STOLE UR BF SAWRY ABOUT THAT!" i was SHOCKED and BAMBOOZLED girl what's WRONG with you (affectionate)!!!! i love nancy god and i am also sooo interested in how nancy's "she's a better person than me" narrative will play out in the future, though i do want to say that her care package and bug's immediate boundary drawing was sweet, i'm sooo in love with them (and also briefly was like.........nancy x bug......we have misplaced the jealousy on various boys due to heteronormativity/internalised homophobia but actually this woman is fine as hell and i want to kiss her on the lips in a vision but we move forward).

Overall, just excellent work as per use, my apologies for this monstrosity of an ask, i just wanted to submit my essay on "The Tenderness of Touch: Love in Chapter 8 of Coming Home Season 2" to you and also i wanted to add that i know firsthand that while writing is absolutely a talent that you possess, it's also a skill and craft you work on and study to master, and that your work is appreciated and the hard work and dedication you put into this art is really seen by me at least, to the point where i myself am, at the risk of oversharing for a moment, sort of starting to look back at my own johnathan with some more grace and tenderness, to both of our younger selves, than i would have a couple months ago. We were girls together and I think that matters more than the end and I want you to know that your story helped emotionally with that.

P.S: I did have one quick question for you if u don't mind, what exactly you meant with this line, "He recognizes now that they didn’t stand a chance, though he’s happy they tried anyways. It was always going to end like this between them." Did he mean it in like a, "we have made our separate decisions and this is sort of bound to happen with growing up and we were inevitably going to not be each other's number 1, especially when we (cough I cough) have not treated each other as such for some time now so it's okay to live out that fallout and come up on the other side", or is it more of like a larger, "the stars weren't written for us under our sky, and that's okay because they did for while and that's what counts and maybe in another universe, under a different sky, they do?". i guess another way to phrase it would be if jon and bug believe their separation is through human action and its consequences, or destiny and fate, and i guess i want to ask if you agree/disagree with them.

hi my dear !!! you pointed out SO MUCH that ive been dying to discuss with yall, so for anyone who wants more insight into the final chapter of season 2 and the whole jon/bug/nancy/steve fiasco: keep reading !!

under the cut: jon and bugs separation and why steve and bug fell so hard so fast

writing the shift between jon and bug this chapter was extremely hard yet the easiest thing ive ever done. it felt natural and right, which i think made the whole thing more heartbreaking. it had to happen, the final push before their talk at the very end. when bug tells nancy to go with jon to hoppers cabin, it truly was the final acceptance. bug recognized she was no longer needed per say, how her connection/thread to jon has changed. she no longer is the one he needs, its nancy

which makes their conversation at the end just so much more raw and painful. theyve accepted whats happened now, they can see it, almost tangible, before them. all the threads and strings and lines theyve never crossed or unwoven, its now presented in front of them, and theyre finally ready to unravel from one another. as for jon being so tactile, which he almost never is with bug to such an extreme extent, its because he knew as well. this would be the last time hed ever kiss her, hold her, or have her all to himself, something hes so selfishly come to want only for himself. hes never, ever had to share her.

i wanted the scene to feel messy and melancholy yet answer all the unasked questions. theyve become so intertangled with one another, so engrossed, that its hard to separate who is who. for jon and bug, they will never be able to distinguish where one stops and the other starts; theyve become one, and they recognize that they couldve been so much more had there been time or the circumstances had been different. you cant simply grow up with someone, learn all their fears and vices and needs, and not come to love them as if they arent your entire breath.

as for bug and steve: YES !!! to everything youve said. this has been my one thing ive been trying to really pin down in terms of the difference between jon and steve !! they both love bug equally, but in their own distinct ways. jon loves bug with an obligation that comes from years of trust and mutual understanding. he will always take care of her because shes always taken care of him. now for steve, he takes care of bug because he wants to, because he recognizes that no one else has taken care of her the way shes taken care of everyone else. she hasnt LET anyone do this, and steve has such an excess of love within him that he cant help but let it overflow onto bug, to take care of her the way she deserves, and he does this because he can. because it comes naturally to him.

the love realization scenes for both jon n steve ,,, ive had that planned from the START !!!! ive been WAITING for someone to comment on the contrast between jons love realization being such a cold and cruel thing, whereas steves was sun and warmth and comforting. as bug talked about in chapter 6, love had become exhausting for her, never lovely or easy as she had hoped. now, with steve, loving him is as easy as breathing, and they truly are such a golden summer day together <333

and the ending !! after a year of bug denying her feelings, and a year of steve being scared of his, it felt fitting to for them to come together so easily and quickly once nancy and jon were out of the way. theyve both bitten their tongues too many times now, and bug has honestly been falling out of love with jon for a while, she was more just clinging onto the familiarity of it all. once she finally admitted that she loved steve, she didnt have it in her to deny it anymore. shes become tired of biting her tongue and burying down her feelings, especially because shes someone who feels so openly and yet is terrified of being vulnerable (which we will indeed see later). for steve, he simply trusts bug with everything within him, he knows she would never hurt him, not again, and he recognizes that his feelings for her have been there a while. however, he also recognizes that bug deserves more than mixed feelings, he wants to give her his all, so until hes completely over nancy, all he can do is ask bug to wait -- trusting that she will come back in the end. which is HUGE for someone who fears abandonment.

im incredibly touched that my writing has made you reflect upon your own jon :( i also feel the same way, ive come to view my own jon differently. sometimes people simply grow up, it isnt anyones fault, and we cannot fault someone we love for no longer resembling the person we once loved, not when theyve grown into who they were meant to be.

now for the final part of your lovely ask: the line was in reference for steve and nancy !! what i meant by it was that steve recognizes that him and nancy were incompatible in the end, given everything that happened with barb and the demogorgon. he realizes that they never stood a chance, getting back together, because they had already been finished when the upside down came into their lives. and yet, despite this, hes happy they tried. to me, to try is to be human, and steve believes that at least they tried to love one another afterwards, they tried to move on and be happy together. in the end, this is all that matters to steve: they tried to love one another (this can also apply to bug n jon !!! nothing was ever going to be the same again, but they tried)

[wannab-urs]

The Spreadsheet Digest - Fic Recs | Vol 5

Happy friday, friends <3

It's that time of the week again! Here are (almost) all of the fics I read this week + my unhinged rambling. As always, you can find my complete spreadsheet here.

This week, I left off a bunch of fics I read because they're part of a little thing I'm doing with my friends called Peg That Middle Aged Man Campaign 2023 - pegging a bunch of pedro boys!! Those will be put in a masterlist next week and I will link that list on next week's Digest.

Cowboy Like Me - a Javi P series by @cutesyscreenname

-> Every single thing about this is so good. The bi reader. The soft javi. the banter. the smut. the slowburn. the buildup. I am SCREAMING. Hannah this fic is ruining my life it's so good

Bad Mood - a Joel one shot by @javiscigarette

-> If I had this man to spank me out of my bad moods i'd be happy forever

Lead me not into temptation - a Marcus Pike one shot by @whataperfectwasteoftime

-> Based on midnight mass + fleabag, I have a thing for sexy priests... so I was intrigued. I wasn't raised catholic but I do have religious trauma so this is right up my alley lmao. The internal struggle within Marcus is portrayed beautifully. The way he describes his lover, the way the lord's prayer is interwoven... UGH this is stunning. It's really emotional but is also really hot (bc when do I ever read non-smut lmao).

Bekväm - an Ezra one shot by @whataperfectwasteoftime

-> Lol just realized i read this a while ago (pre-spreadsheet) while trolling their masterlist but anyway. I love one armed Ezra so much. And this is a really great take on that. The main character is so fun. The concept was neat. They capture Ezra's voice nicely. The smut was gorgeous and wonderfully captured the experience of someone recently um... disarmed.

The Crucible - a Marcus Pike one shot by @whataperfectwasteoftime

-> Holy shit dude! I love a good BDSM fic... this one manages to capture that soft, sweet angel baby vibe you get from Marcus while also weaving in his confidence and sexiness. The "soft dom" voice and actions being literally juxtaposed with what his right hand is doing??? Incredible.

Siren Song - a Joel one shot by @proxima-writes

-> This is so fucking hot dude. Joel being needy and desperate is everything I needed right now. I really liked the dynamic with Tommy also.

Fuse - a Din/Ezra series by @marisferasiop

->My mind is blown. I was speechless for 5 full minutes after reading this. I was thankful for my vivid imagination while reading it because those were some WILD positions. I also somehow never considered merging Mando and Prospect? It's so perfect! Din and Ezra together is something I didn't know I needed. Put me in that sandwich please.

Lie to Me - a Javi P series by @iamskyereads

-> Javi is so soft and protective and cute ugh. And I love the TV show Lie To Me because I'm a crime drama junkie, so the human lie detector!reader is really fun for me. I'm on the first interlude at the time of writing this (so about 5 chapters in) and I've been thoroughly sucked in to the story. Also the way you're weaving in plot elements? Or rather weaving your story into the existing plot so seamlessly? Masterful work, fr.

My World a Dio one shot by @sneetsnootyoit

-> So cute and soft and sweet and HOT. And love that the reader is GN! Soft and sweet Dio is such a fun change from the type of fics I usually see for him and I am so here for it.

Red Smoke - an Ezra one shot by micha-alien (ao3)

-> Dirty talking Dom Ezra, set just before the movie. It is... unreasonably hot. He's mean in all the best ways in this and a little feral and so very fucking yummy.

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Recs from pre-Digest era that literally live rent free in my head:

Please - a Dieter one shot by @ezrasbirdie

Sex Worker!Frankie AU - a Frankie series by @prolix-yuy

Meant to Be - an Oberyn series by @radiowallet

The Crush - a Javi P series by @the-ginger-hedge-witch

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I've put out some pegging fics this week so go find those and keep an eye out for the masterlist if that's your thing.

Also I'm putting finishing touches on Burn Slowly/I Love You ch 2 (my soft sweet former firefighter!Frankie AU)

[zukkacore]

⭐️

I didn't realize that there was a character limit to these asks, so I'm gonna to a Part 2 for Things That Are References to Things I like! Part 1 was for @italicized-oh & i figured i'd just split it up

PT 1 | PT 3

Anyway:

Nobody tells you that at the end of everything, you’ll accept anything. I'm a hack b/c in Night in the Woods its "At The End of Everything, You'd Hang Onto Anything" Which I thought was interesting bc the text has multiple readings on it. In that it's about people trying to restore a glorious past that is never going to return. Like. Trying to cling to an old way of life despite it hurting people. Very Porter. But also about when you have so little options in your life you'll literally cling onto anything, even if its bad for you. Very Jace

He’s taking charge for tonight, but he likes it when Porter chases him. He’s always liked it, even when it got him into trouble. Honestly, commitmentphobe jace is very @hauntedwizardmoment in my mind due to Love's never meant much to me etc etc but Porter chasing and Jace enjoying being Chased is very @iaus Epilogue for me. We're getting metatextual up in here. I love commitmentphobe Jace. I just think it's real bc hes sorcerer! No higher power no contracts no oaths no fealty to anyone! We sit around and talk abt how great inherent magic is! There's also a conversation of reference of like. Gods chasing down objects of their affection esp in greek myth. Hades kidnaps persephone. Apollo chases Daphne. (We take ourselves v seriously here on the sb pwp site ok obviously we're here to reference classics when the gay old men are evil to each other...)

He’s not the one digging up old corpses. A stretch? Like Real People Do by Hozier. Hozier's take is so tender tho... But it's not NOT there. But also like. Why was Porter digging. And what did he bury when he pulled Jace from the earth. Things to think about

He’ll stick around for as long as Porter wants him, and then some. Porter could do the same for him. / Right? / A flash of blue in the periphery of his eye, something clatters to the floor, and there’s the unmistakable sound of shattered glass. His head jerks in the direction of the noise. That gaudy motivational poster has fallen to the ground. This is also such a Fleabag moment to me. I really like the moment when they're kissing and something like falls in the church that kinda spooks them bc earlier the priest is like "i love it when he does that" about god like. Sending them a sign. To me, this is kinda a twilight shards cassandra moment, even though she's in a place where we can't really reach her. Jace is experiencing doubt, so he actually channels this weird form of divine intervention. It's about the possiblities, but also just the doubt that Porter will return the favor like he wants. And we all know how that does. But also. There's a universe where he's brave enough to ask Porter to stay. There's a universe where he isn't. There's a universe where Porter listens and he does stay. There's a universe where he does not.

NGL Epilogue is kinda the king of like weird offbeat and intimate peripheral details abt the mundane jaceporter life that paint such a picture in your mind. The Brooch turning up again is such a me kinda being and offbrand copycat of Jace cashmere sweater moment (but evil version). B/c its like. There's stuff about Jace being appearance obsessed in there, but there's also the reference of like. The moon and stars. Its an heirloom. Like. Porter is literally supplanting Jace's religious background (Galicaea and the moon) and his inherent magic lineage (Sol, the sun being a star and just the name Stardiamond). He's denying both of his parents upbringings (yes my Sol heritage or sol worshipper father n galicaean elf mother for jace truthrism is so real. He just seems like the type of guy who was in the TRENCHES over the evangelical / protestant vs catholic thing, but Fantasy Edition. Which is why Cassandra would fix him but that's for another time). & the desire to be covered up implies a whole thing about modesty in a religious sense. Or at the very least decorum & the heirloom is tradition. The Cashmere sweater thing is still rattling around in my mind tho. Wish it was me

"Oh / I pity you" - this is so strange but i can't stop thinking abt the way Viola says "I pity you" to Olivia in twelfth night. ("that's a degree to love" "Not a grise. Tis a vulgar proof we pity enemies" something like that). Like. There's something about Olivia loving Viola for something she's not, isn't it? Loving and looking past. Pity not being love. We even pity enemies. And like. Jace can even pity someone who has hurt him so badly bc i think he sees how nakedly pathetic some of this is. but also. Of course he pities him. They're the same. But also. On some level I think when Porter says he doesn't want to be left, this is his fear as a man but also his fear as a god talking.

“I’d miss you too much, Starshine." “I’d come back, you know. I'm Kept” Obviously there's a whole Persephades n Hadestown vibe. the whole "youre early" "I missed you" thing. The connection between missing someone so much that death is transcended or brought on, or missing someone who is always a plane away. Porter is here, Jace goes to the infernal realm and comes back (and b/c he was dropped, almost twice. It's a cycle). Porter is going to ascend, Jace is here in the mortal plane. The idea of missing someone so much that you're going to tighten the control on them, too, you hurt them, you betray them, you need to own them. And I'm kept is obviously b/c they're so persephades they're so married b/c marriage is a kind of death < 3

"But I... miss you. Ain’t that peculiar?” - another strange pull. I Think the line "I do love nothing in the world so much as you. Is not that strange?" from Much Ado so compelling and lovely and funny and just. Augh. Also the sister line "I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest" what if i chew glass! I just think that's so... true for them. Porter loved Jace even among his imperfections and Porter's revulsion n aspirations n need to control. Is not that strange? And Jace despite EVERYTHING is so i love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest. He's made to love Porter. He can't even stave off the love with the rage he was made to bear. There's also something abt Porter expressing doubt I find so compelling and contradictory in its own way bc he literally wants to take the goddess of conviction's domain away.

The WHOOLLLEEE traveling into a memory thing is very Howl's Moving Castle for me. Like obviously. Especially the feeling of it being so dreamlike. But its ALSO very Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. Like this idea of realizing the journey of being together and discovering each other and having treasured experiences that make you you is more important than getting the happily ever after.

The Pomegranate tree (but also the Poppies) in Porter's backyard flashback - obviously Persephades. Hadestown etc etc.

“I don’t give a fuck what you think of me, or about who your Jace was. I’m —” This is so GOTG3 its actually embarrassing. I like that movie sorry i know i should be put down for liking MCU but it cannot be helped. I talked abt it here. Something about grieving someone who is still here. Trying to make them into the person you want them to be even tho they're different now.

"I’m just—done playing house, Porter." is also so evil inverse of "I finally found my family" "I thought you already had" from gotg2 imo lol. BOTH families that Porter are trying to cling to are fantasies. The lineage he's trying to restore n whatever bullshit he has with Jace and TRGs

[savagebisand]

y'all are so funny to me over here panicking and stressing meanwhile my state of delusion runs so deep that I simply refuse to accept canon if it differs from my prediction and I predict an angry sandray makeout at the music club BABEY!! Sand ain't holding rays shirt that tight whilst ray grips tf outta him for no reason. Also these are the faces of men who are toRn between a carnal desire to claim the other and another desire to shove him away and scoff in his face. ITS DELICIOUS. like look at how desperate rays expression is, he's trying to come off fierce but it's so clear how much he needs sand to reaffirm he still wants ray. Its like his face is begging sand to hold him and dig his claws in right back and kiss him hard even as he knows sand will likely shove him off and tell him to get lost.

Sand looks like a man on the edge between desire and spite, theres this pained look like he's fighting a losing battle. It's evident part of him wants to push ray around a little and yell at how stupid and selfish he is but another part is seeing the ray he's grown to care for, seeing those hollow eyes searching over him for hope and part of sand wants to crumble and give ray what he needs. Even if ray doesn't know how bad he needs it. Sand always wants to give ray what he needs. It's something he's growing to despise in himself whilst still being unable to resist the pull of. Now personally, I could be sad and frustrated or I could sit back and enjoy the yummy angsty meal JoJo is serving me about the hold love has on us and the ugly ways it can make us act.

Look, love is often glamorised to us as this beautiful wholesome thing that always mends and completes you. And sure love is that. But narratives often neglect to present the other side of love too, it can be selfish, possessive, confusing, desperate, all consuming, jaded, frustrating. It's a breath of fresh air to finally see a show, particularly a BL at that, highlighting the complexities of catching feelings and being in love whilst still capturing the hope that lingers and the beautiful moments mixed in when you see the best in someone as well as the worst. It reminds me a lot of The Priests speech on Love from the series Fleabag:

It's in The way that by the point you see them showing an ugly side it doesn't matter because they're already beautiful to you. It makes you fight for them to show up for themselves and you, even in moments you'd rather walk away and wash your hands of it. I have no idea if they'll get their happy endings. But I know that part of the fascination of watching sandray for me is that I have been that person, unable to give up on a love against all odds because what if I never love the same way again.

Anyways strap in for today's ep everyone and good luck recovering from the emotional rollercoaster it'll take us on. Remember to drink a hot cocoa, curl under a blanket, maybe cry and scream a little but try to laugh too and remember that the point of entertainment like this is to take us on a journey. There has to be bad and fighting in the trenches before there can be light and good. The mess and damage won't be this severe on the characters till the end just for a part of the duration of their growth.

If you're feeling hopeless just keep in mind that characters like Ray and Boston can't grow emotionally and get to any place where a hopeful ending is possible unless they travel to a very low dark point first, they're going to become worst versions of themselves before they can be the best and that will hurt people around them. But I truly believe JoJo wouldn't take these characters to those points unless he was going to use it to form some self realisations and repentance. Everyone will recover eventually because that's just life, we all have to. It has been said that characters must go to uncomfortable places to start contending with truths about themselves that allow an anti hero or antagonist to become something more of a vigilante or at least a better morally good (mostly) version of themselves and as a writer I know that often is a very effective method of characterisation.

You will get through this, your favourite ship will get through this. Dissect and enjoy the journey but don't let it haunt your mind to the detriment of your own whimsy and wishful thinking. Shows are made to be excited for each week. When you start dreading if the ending you hope for can happen it's time to take a breather. Don't let it affect your experience of a character or pairing and make it a negative one! That's what fix it fic is for or shows where these actor duos do get a happy satisfactory end. JoJo may write this story a certain way but you get to choose where you think the end works for you. Love you all, stay safe out there. Happy watching!!

[wetcatspellcaster]

i think your fade-to-black scenes work just as well as an explicit sex scene tbh. like you get the point across just as well

especially in astarion fics the choice of fade-to-black is always so interesting??? kind of like a reverse priest/fleabag situation

anyway i just thought the way you wrote those scenes slapped

aww, thanks pal! i personally love to read an E-rated fic or two (or ten). so I will always be critical of what I see as a potential shortfall in my work - but I've long ago accepted that my writing style doesn't gel as well as I'd hope with it. and I've improved other areas of my writing as a result, to try and make the overall experience still worth it :) I'm glad that you enjoy the stories regardless (and that yeah, they're still kinda hot, even though other people have got hotness on lock!)

I agree the fade-to-black of it all has accidentally become very interesting (genuinely laughed out loud when the graveyard scene faded to black when I got there unspoiled, I was like "oh my god, I'm in my fic!") I support Larian's artistic choices with Astarion's two endings as it think it suits the point they were trying to make, but I have talked elsewhere about how it accidentally makes "desire = bad" in some readings. It's ok to find your vampire boyfriend hot, IMO, and that's why I chose not to fade to black in Pieces.

That being said, thank u Larian for validating an M writer's choices :'))) and thank you, anon, for taking the time to message! x

[hairmetal666]

Uh oh, I can't stop thinking about a Steddie Fleabag AU with Fleabag!Eddie and HotPriest!Steve (cw// drug and alcohol abuse, angst, no happy ending)

Like, Eddie's a total mess; drinking too much, high all the time, totally floundering. And the Party and the Corroded Coffin guys, they try to help, but Eddie's too far gone, working hard on alienating all the people who care about him.

On the upswing of his spiral, he reconnects with Steve Harrington, somehow a Catholic priest, which is mind-boggling, but wtf does Eddie know about King Steve post-high school? Or at any time, honestly? They start hanging out, shooting the shit, becoming friends, whatever. Steve is a good listener--maybe it's the priest thing--but he knows just when to push, when to back off, and he makes Eddie feel better. Makes Eddie feel seen in a way he's not sure anyone else ever has. It doesn't take long for Eddie to start having feelings, and if that isn't just the icing on the cake of his shitty existence. Falling for a straight dude who is also a fucking priest? Of all the luck.

Steve comes over after Eddie's had a shitty day. They hangout, put on a movie, have a few beers. It's a normal night, two dudes kicking back, total bros, until Steve tries to kiss him. Eddie is the one to move away, shocking himself. He's never been one to turn down sex, and this time it's with the hottest dude in the known universe? Plus, it does something to Eddie, Steve wanting to break his vows with him, but he doesn't actually want it like this. When they've been drinking, when he's had a bad day, when they're both vulnerable.

He waits a bit before showing up at Steve's church for confession. He knows he shouldn't; it's a stupid idea, but he can't stay away. He enters the booth, knows Steve is on the other side of the thin wood, starts talking. Admits he's doing this all wrong; isn't Catholic, doesn't know the words. Eddie tells all the terrible things he's done that brought him here, to this moment, to Steve. Ends it by sharing that he's falling for a guy he absolutely can't have, but he can't stop wanting.

Steve doesn't respond, and Eddie gets scared, knows he fucked up. But then the screen to the booth is opening, and Steve is there, sinking to his knees at Eddie's feet. They're kissing before Eddie has time to process, and now that it's happening wild horses dragging him away couldn't make him stop kissing Steve Harrington.

Steve takes him to bed, and there's no hesitation, no fear. Instead, Steve looks at Eddie with reverence, adoration, love, and Eddie is so, so fucked. There's no remorse, after. He rests his head on Steve's chest, as the priest explains what lead him from high school lothario to the seminary; all the regret and mistakes and fucked up shit that led Steve to the one place he found unconditional love. Eddie doesn't ask what comes next, for them, but allows himself a sliver of hope.

In the morning, Steve is all business when he tells Eddie he should go, and Eddie does, but leaves his heart crumbled in Steve's gentle hands.

He doesn't seek Steve out for a full week before he finds himself outside the church again. He's too scared to go in, just sits on a wooden bench outside, smoking one of the few cigarettes he allows himself. He takes a drag, closes his eyes, leans his head back, and when he opens them, Steve is taking a seat next to him. They share the cigarette in silence until Eddie says, "I love you."

Steve takes a drag, exhales, says, "It'll pass," with the smallest saddest smile. He lifts the cigarette back to his lips, quiet, but he puts a hand on top of Eddie's, squeezing. They lean into each other's orbit, foreheads almost touching, but then Steve is standing, walking away.

"See you on Sunday?" He quips. "Just kidding, you're never allowed in my church again." His eyes are wet.

Eddie waits for him to walk away, but he doesn't, not at first. He swallows, mouth opening and closing a few times before he says, "I love you too." He gives Eddie one last sad smile, before walking back towards the church.