#they'll probably think i'm weird
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#weirdcore#paranormal#dreamcore#oddcore#strangecore#spooky#questions#they'll probably think i'm weird#but it doesn't matter
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Sent an application for a kitten on Petfinder tonight. I'm irrationally scared they'll reject me for some reason :/ but Selkie needs a buddy and I've been scrolling looking for a little face that calls to me. And she does. So I hope I hope!
#my first fear is that the agencies site says uou have to be within “an hour and a half of the Chicago suburbs”#and I'm just barely outside that depending on where they use to calculate?#and idk if they'll be weird about it for some reason or if i should have just#not applied#secondly although she's a little black thing#she had faint tabby stripes and the listing calls her “smoke”#and I'm a little afraid they'll see on my application that my last cat was a bengal#and be weird and snobby and assume I'm just out looking for fancy colors#yes siren was a bengal but she was also according to my vet close to 9 or 10 years old#the rescue labeled her at 7 probably to help adopt her#since i know older cats don't go fast#and between losing my dad and then my lifelong cat#and having always loved bengals#i felt so much like they helped point me to her#somehow#and her personality was so much like fiddlesticks it was crazy#we just fit#maybe that's still shallow of me idk#but anyway it's a factor#im forever scared of doing things wrong and getting yelled at by people who think i should have known better#or something#so I'm afraid#that's all
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Today I am going to see my elderly Northern Irish grandparents. Normally this would be fine, but I am out to literally my entire extended family as trans except for my granda and grandma. I'll keep you all posted with how well insanity inducing cosplay of feminity convinces people.
#I'd also like to add that I've been on t for a couple of months#and I have short hair#I'm hoping they just think I'm a lesbian#also it's fine if they find out#they'll probably be ok with it#if my weird uncle doesn't care than maybe there is still hope for humanity#sorry I went on a rant in the tags#Ivo says stuff
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After your reduction are you gonna change how you draw self portraits? Idk if you’re gonna get phantom boob syndrome but it’ll be funny if your hand defaults to big booba during drawing.
I was just thinking abt this!! I think by force of habit I'll prob default to drawing my Old Boobs lmao. chances are I'll have to intentionally, manually, change the way I see myself in my head and the way I draw myself
#I figure I'll probably knock out some self portraits when the deed is done and I'm healed?#and obviously I'll be taking photos for documenting's sake so I'll have those to refer back to#to remind myself what i look like.#sergle answers#it's going to be super weird probably#I have a mole on my abdomen under my tit and I wonder if it'll still be covered by my boombs#or if it's going to suddenly be visible bc they'll be Lesser and also probably a little more Up?#much to think about. real important stuff over here
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so what i'm putting together from osmosis and the wonderful livebloggers and the incredible arkanis english updates account is something like this
Prefeito Jota: Hello, I'd like to hire you to investigate what happened in my city/island(?)!
Bagi, who was previously "invited" to a mysterious island/city by its elected official, subsequently trapped on the mysterious island/city, investigated the deep mysterious history of the island/city, came to no conclusions, found her brother after years of searching, was separated once again from her brother, gained and lost an adopted daughter (possibly to being kidnapped by the island government, which was evil), gained and lost a demon fiancée (possibly to being dragged back to hell, so there's no way to find her), gained and lost a close demon friend to dubious circumstance (did he die for his children? is he with skeppy in the gas station?), and has had an unknown amount of time to process and/or suppress all of this: Sure! :D
#ah shit now i gotta tag this#arkanis#qsmp#qsmp bagi#q!bagi#long tags#hopefully that covers it for people who don't care abt the lore tie-ins; i think they'll be able to filter this post#this is mostly a qsmp post so i hope you are able to filter it at your leisure :)#i try very hard not to bug have a good week :D#shut up vic#block game brainrot#is valigma an island or a city i'm unclear on this#or is it a city that's on an island#is there an island??? there's not. there is. where were they travelling. there was a boat i know that#fe//lps crashed the boat there's gotta be a port somehwere close by#but it could just be a port city.... is it an island??#brother i'm cooked i don't speak portuguese and i work during the streams.... cognates save me....... save me cognates.........#the name of my tiktok collection for qsmp is 'context clues only' bc i was determined to follow its story through only osmosis.#i was wrong about that one but. welcome back context clues only.#idk anyway hopefully this post can be filtered by people in either fandom who don't care abt crossover lollll 😭#look q!bagi has every reason to distrust elected officials that try to invite her places#last time it happened it was a bona fide second location.#it's kinda wild she was willing to do it again lmao#do you think she got the request and idly wondered how long she was gonna be stuck this time#we kinda had to skim over that aspect of q!bagi's arrival bc of the weird meta parts of the presidential invitation#but iirc the qsmp president inviting her was canon. which is WILD lmfaooo#and also how she was fiancées with tina (a demon) and friends with bad (a demon) and coparents with mouse (a demon)#and then she gets invited and comes to valigma and she's probably already got insane déjà vu and then BOOM. matt.#like i'm not cc!bagi so i don't know but i didn't read q!bagi as someone who just. moved on.#i don't think she would process the events of quesadilla island i think it's more likely she suppressed it. really really well.
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Anyway, back to testing (Patreon)
#Doodles#Portal#GLaDOS#Chell#Curiosity Core#Space Core#Cave Johnson#So many GLaDOS'!! She needs all the <3#And then also featuring some others lol ♪ Replaying 1 really made me want to fill out the cast a bit more!#I'm still the most used to drawing her Portal 2 design tho - which is a shame because her 1 design is so weird!! I like it :D#I still haven't given her a proper study but I do like how in the audio commentary they talk about how she has a feminine edge hehe#She does! They did a good job with her design ♪ And improved upon it in 2 I think :D I still haven't gotten to that audio commentary#I'm so curious as to what they'll say about her there hehe ♫ But I'm still just playing normally for now! I forgot how much longer it is :0#I tore through it the first time so now taking my leisurely time feels funny haha ♪ I am enjoying myself tho :3#Anyway!! Back to what I love about 1 <3 <3 Her tone switch literally Always has my heart ♥ Ughhh I love herrr#I also quite like Chell's design from both games :) I wonder if GLaDOS keeps making remarks on her appearance because of the changes :0#She does have fuller cheeks in 2! She's not as gaunt - and she looks like....made-up? Make up made up? Y'know? :0#Not that we get a particularly good look at her in-game but hm! The differences#As well as in her long-fall boots! The braces really were just stuck on her legs in 1 weren't they :0 No wonder the Curiosity Core was rude#I do really love the Curiosity Core tho haha ♪ Probably my favourite canon Core :D I think she'd get along well with Space Core lol#And then leaving off with that one little human-GLaDOS headcanon thing I posted about! Impatiently lol#I made these like The Day after posting that I couldn't help it I was too deep in the paint XP It was fun ♪#I really do think she'd look so much more like Cave still! Especially after replaying the bit where he says to put Caroline in ''his'' place#Is that retrofitting? Was it designed with him in mind initially? Hmmmmm#I also figure if I'm going to give her a human design I might as well go the whole way and not just slap robot parts on her face lol#It's hard to imagine her with two eyes tho! Like I might even go so far as to say she can have three eyes but not two! Only one or three#Her third ''eye'' would be the mole next to her eye lol - how would her vision work in that case :0#Would she have panoptic depth perception or like triple vision or what?? Or maybe just leave her with one functioning eye lol#Handplates!Gaster-core (Core lol); turtlenecked one-eyed evil scientist with labcoat lol#Y'know it's funny - when I first drew GLaDOS several years ago I compared her to Gaster at the time too. Huh. Sure that's nothing :)
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If I had a nickel for every fandom I wandered into that has a toxic attitude towards adaptations of the source material, I'd have two nickles... And I don't even want one nickel at this point...
#tag rant? tag rant#constantly shitting on people just trying to have fun really fucking bothers me#like okay be a hater ig#but when you start coming at people or calling them shitty things because they like a relatively tame piece of adaptive media#i'm sorry but i just can't#art is subjective and people are gonna vibe with what they vibe with#but it's the weird superiority folks have that bugs the fuck outta me#also slightly related???#been thinking about this for a few days#but i hate that things i made for a fandom have now become a weird way for people to be like “see? adaptation bad”#leave me and my stuff out of your petty fucking bs please#idk if i could ever get back into writing or drawing for cv because of this#because i think the way people percieve my work is only through the lense of “if the anime was good”#when fucking no i just wanted to do something fun that incorporates my special interests#ik people probably think it's a compliment and they'll see what they want to see#but it just bothers me that my work can't just be seen as#“howie smashing dolls together while also taking readers on a history/language/culture adventure”#beetlejuice fandom can be just as bad -if not worse - about this btw#y'all ain't safe either#like fucking shit
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aw yeahh I'm seeing chris fleming live tommorowwww
#I hopeee#it's a pub that cards on a challenge-25 rule. and my pass card doesn't seem to be arriving in time (unless ?)#so all I've got is some really weird forms of ID (2-year expired passport. voting paper lmao)#I mean it's a more informal environment so they'll probably be chill with that as proof#but starting my job and everyone there thinking I'm 16-20 has me paranoid these days 😭#I'm not even gonna drink I just wanna laugh at chris
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Are you ok? What happened?
Yeah I'm chilling lmao we just had a patient presenting with a condition I'd never seen in person and it didn't end well for them unfortunately
#not snz#I'm lucky enough to have been unfazed by almost everything I've seen in the field so far#so i was basically just interested in the weird medical shit that was going down lmao#for my fellow medical people we got a pt with an AAA that ruptured before transport could even arrive#so I'm sure y'all can guess what happened#but it looks so wild?? like in my head i knew it would probably look some type of way but it was crazy to see#tragic part about being super interested in medicine is that you can't go :0 in front of an audience#like you can but then they'll think you're heartless or bad at your job or something#like no I'm just not emotionally invested in the situation bc idk who this person is lmao#anyway rip to my one coworker who we all had to watch play tetris after#she's okay she was just really feeling the adrenaline#and we did all go out for ice cream lmao gotta do some serious team bonding after that#god i love fire and ems we say the most fucked up shit then laugh about it bc what else can you even do tbh#so anyway yeah I'm all good I'm just still going :0 about the medicine part of it lmao#and i got to tell my other ems buddies so 😌
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I appreciate how after class my prof was just like, "hey, if you're not okay, it's okay to stay home... and if you want, you can join class over zoom" after noticing that I've been more and more unwell. Last time I apologized for having to leave in the middle of lesson plans and she told me to get plenty of rest and make sure I'm eating lots of healthy foods. Really makes me feel like 1. She actually cares about me as a person and 2. My struggling to get through every day doesn't go unnoticed
MEANWHILE. PEOPLE AT HOME RECOGNIZE I'M HOME AND IMMEDIATELY ASSUME I MUST BE FREE TO DO SHIT FOR THEM AND IF I DON'T THEN I'M A LAZY ASSHOLE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE A ROOF OVER MY HEAD.
#it's so bad that I'm not allowed to say I'm tired or exhausted#they'll just remind me that I'm not good enough to compete with them in the Tired Olympics#i appreciate my professors unconditional care#i haven't been doing every assignment and I'd think that she'd be apathetic towards me for seeming to not care about her class...#but instead she's very caring and supportive#i wish i could thank her for being nice to me but that's probably weird#crying thinking about how nice she is to me
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I'm probably the only one who cares, but I want to know more about them, we're only given their names with the guy named tajima and the woman named mihaela.
I want to know why work for afo. why help him out, do you genuinely believe in his cause or are you just joining him in hopes he'll spare you in the aftermath after hero society collapses.
since I doubt we'll get anything I'll just headcanon as the man had villain parents who were later killed by an overzealous hero (that was later assassinated by the hero commission for similar incidents as it was too much of a hassle to deal with the fallout) and he was sent to one of the orphanages afo owned where he was brainwashed into being loyal to afo and dedicated himself to his cause. he grew up hating heroes for what happened to his parents and this hatred was further nurtured by afo and his other people. as he grew up he was sent to spy on various enemies of afo. he full heartily believes in his cause and thinks afo is the answer to societies problems.
the woman was someone who angered a lot of bad people as she was a thief and stole mainly from criminals and as a result had many people hunting for her so she spent a lot of her adult life hiding from people who want to murder her. one day she was taken to afo by his men, as he heard of her skills and knew she was desperate, and he offered her a place in his ranks, shelter, protection and anything else she needed as long as she unquestioningly served him. seeing no other choice she chose to serve afo, she doesn't have this savior like view of afo as many others who serve him do, but she enjoys many luxuries while working for him. as long as she ignores her guilty conscious for some of the things she has to do, then working for afo isnt so bad to her.
rambled a lot here but I wish we could've seen more of afo's followers since he had a huge following back in the day and still has a lot of followers working for him in present time. though that number has drastically lowered due to all might arresting them
#does this make sense? I'm tired there's probably weird inconsistencies or something that doesn't make sense#i like to think a41 has his orphanages for a long time as finding the perfect vessel takes a while and for those he decided not to use as#a body he used them for other things so they'll stay useful#long post
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Part 23
How ambitious!
#self shipping#oc f/o#f/o art#fictional other#brixcomic#As much as I love Hadri...I don't think I could be like 'omg yes!!' here#this would be immensely overwhelming#But...they want to know more about me q///q#That's one big reason I like Hadri. Even if they feel like they're above everything they are genuinely curious#and I'm a weird little thing they can figure out#Well once they kneel down to get a better look at me I'm gonna charm them so much they'll willingly live on my level#cause they'll feel like they can have a place there or something...!#btw if you can tell I love god stories and stories of mortal people interacting with gods/other supernatural stuff#there's a big soup of reasons for that that I don't really know how to bring up#Though it's probably just I think the supernatural/normal person relationships are so cute and comfortable#That's a big plus to the selfship community I'm really glad I could be in a space where there's so many diverse couples;;#Also ya I had a lot to say today ^u^#watched a sad video but it was cathartic
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My childhood classroom monarch butterfly "pets" might not have known us as anything more than a cluster of loud large creatures in a weird, colorful room but I'm sure that they did love the orange slices we'd give them so they could grow big and strong.
They loved the safety of having their own place where they were not bothered or moved.
And they loved the wind in their wings when they finally took off, finally full grown and free.
They were not very curious of us. They hardly even saw that we existed. Hardly ever a thought at all except "oh... There's people here" once they crawled out of their cocoons.
But the image of them flying so high, the knowledge that I watched them grow every day, huddled up against the counter with my classmates, our sticky little hands shoved onto the counter, or in our pockets or mouths to taste some of the sweet orange slices that we shared with these little insects is more than enough.
In fact, it sparked a lifelong love for watching things thrive.
People, plants, animals, communities... Everything.
Everything is so alive.
All because of a few specks of butterfly eggs that were given to a kindergarten classroom.
They might not be your traditional "weird" pets like rats or spiders. But they were mind-blowing for little me. And I think that's important for everyone to experience.

#sorry to derail this post y'all but like#this got me so emotional remembering the little tiny butterflies that hardly ever looked our way#and i think it's important to remember that not everything has to be pretty or interact with you to be worthy of life#like butterflies are pretty obviously#but they're still bugs yk?#and so many people are weird about bugs#plus all the spiders I've ever helped are intelligent asf#they'll jump on my hands if i put them in front of them and stay put as i lower them to the ground or put them back on their web#did they know who i am or that I'm there to help? probably not. but they know that I'm moving towards their place#and to just hang on until i get closer bc they don't have that much web to reach it themselves#which i think is impressive as hell
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i have a crush on someone i met a month and a half ago who i only saw for a week then that i'm seeing again for a week now and that i'm gonna see for four more weeks from now until june this is what life is all about
#and like i say: brf slt#i hadn't had a CRUSH on someone in literal years. like it was bad for me and this isn't even bc i'm bored i'm just attracted to them. yay!#you have to talk to people to like people i'm finding. because i didn't notice that i was charmed until i was charmed by the talking#the way we met (lmao) is i'm studying to be a teacher. and they work in the middle school i spend a few weeks at this school year#but like that person is not a teacher they work there like when kids don't have class they'll be in a classroom doing their homework or#whatever and they would be the one like telling them to not make any noise#amongst other things#idk if there's a word for that in english it's a very specific job. and anyway. we had to go like where these people work like the specific#part of the school the last time we were there (me and the girl i'm studying with who's with me when i'm...at this middle school. it's like#an internship but it feels weird to call it an internship. but that's what it is) and they were like come see us again from 4 to 5 later#we'll do *this* and we played board games with the kids that were there and that probably sounds weird but it was very fun and funny and#that's when i was like waittttt. and then i looked for them on social media at midnight#i kind of didn't think about them once from six weeks ago to monday but on monday i was like omg i'm gonna see my crush again😁 and then i#did on tuesday and we had a fun interaction and everything because we're bffs. anyway. this is great#when i didn't see them on monday i was like omg what if they quit😔 but they hadn't.#it's just the right amount for it to be fun because like i don't know this person and i won't know them because i won't see them again#until march and after that until may but like it's fun for the weeks i do see them. saw them for 3 minutes on tuesday and like 25 today#it's a job YOUNG PEOPLE do it's not like an old person😭 we're around thesame age. i actually applied to a job like that 3 years ago but#i cried during the interview because i'm crazy like that. i had 2 interviews at 2 different high schools and i didn't cry during the#second interview but i still didn't get the job. lol. but as i was saying young person and i feel like we would genuinely get along like#in an ideal world we would all have drinks together like with my friends and everyone and we would actually hang out. me saying that#instead of like in an ideal world we would: date is you can't even dream a whole dream can you coded😭😭 but like. whatever
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just got home from one of the best trips of my life and my dad has taken every photo in the house out of its frame
#i'm praying he's getting them copied and they'll go back#but i don't think they will#i think he's taken them all before my mother can#because she took the photos and put them all in frames#so she'd be right to take them#but it's stuff like baby photos#my brother's school photos#some with my mum's grandparents in them#no matter the reason he HAS to have known how that would be#me coming back here for the last time before everything is gone#trying to have a good trip in the middle of a very stressful period of my life#then getting home to see empty photo frames on the walls#i didn't cry at sleep token but i probably would if i went today#this shit is why i'm invested enough in a weird band#to fly to amsterdam during a uni term#:/#this is horrendous#i can't look at the walls#i'm going to play piano for the rest of the day now#fuck his work meeting upstairs
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I need to get ready for bed but I remembered the dentist appointment that's coming up in less than 2 weeks and ended up dissociating for over 2 hours (I'm honestly not sure how long it's been) and I do not feel good in the slightest after that
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#it's not the treatment that's the issue. it's literally just that it requires sedation. I would be fine if not for that#and our brain keeps fixating on it to try and find some kind of solution or something that would help#but we can't think of anything. I don't know if there actually is any way to get around this#and it's not a fear of anything bad happening#it's that the concept of someone else being able to control whether I'm conscious and whether I remember anything#just inherently feels so incredibly violating no matter what actually happens during the appointment#logically I do not want to deal with the appointment. sedation is a great option. you don't have to experience any of the shit that happens#but the entire premise is so triggering I can't talk about it without getting shaky and hyperventilating and bursting into tears#also like... the recovery period afterwards where you're really out of it and say weird shit freaks me the fuck out#specifically the idea of being in that state around other people or just in a place that isn't at home in our room on our own#basically I can't handle a stranger giving me a drug that'll stop me remembering anything that happens for a while#and then make me really woozy and spaced out while I'm around other people#there's also another reason the concept of being made to just not experience a certain amount of time by another person is an issue for me#but I'm fully aware that it sounds deeply unhinged and stems from specific source stuff and I cannot explain that to most people#but it's a thing that there really isn't a workaround for and no matter how well we handle the rest of the issues around it#that will almost certainly fuck me up regardless. probably more than the other stuff would#but trying to talk about it would probably make me sound kind of insane because like... I probably kind of am#either that or I'll explain it to someone and they'll be like ''oh yeah no I totally get that''#but I'm more used to being treated like my issues are incomprehensible and I need to just stop being such a freak
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