#they'll figure it out together

[tonguetiedraven]

cliche I know, but handholding bonrin?

Thanks for the ask!! I went somewhere a bit different with it, but I hope you enjoy! This takes place during the festival arc.

(｡^^｡)⸝♡♡⸜(｡••｡)

The problem was that Ryuuji didn’t even know her name.

Well, there were probably several problems, but that was the first and biggest one for him.

He didn’t know her name, and he had never confessed it to anyone, not even Konekomaru, that he had never actually felt the desire to go on a date. To go to a dance to be close instead of just spending time with his friends, or to hold someone’s hand for any reason other than not getting separated, or to lean in (down, because everyone was shorter than him) and give someone a kiss.

That one was probably the strangest. He could see an appeal in some kinds of dancing as it being a fun form of exercise or close to hugging, but the feelings that went with it just weren’t really there for him. All the other things people went nuts over really didn’t apply to him and were mostly a mystery. Even finding out from Shima that people meant hot a bit literally had baffled him. Why should attraction make you feel warm?

It wasn’t the first time he’d been pursued despite never giving any sort of sign that it was welcome or would be reciprocated in any way. He’d had people ask him out from almost the beginning and he’d had people bring him Valentines since he was in grade school.

He had seen people get angry or embarrassed, but he had never seen someone cry.

She did so almost immediately. He gave his normal, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in a date right now,” spill, and she’d stepped back, gripped the small package of candies she’d brought him (the kind he never ate because they always seemed to give him a migraine) and before he could really realize what was happening, she was sobbing. Ryuuji immediately jolted in shock and reached out to help and try to stop it, with no idea how to do so.

He had never made someone cry from this. He didn’t know what to do to make it better. Saying yes wasn’t an option because that would make it worse when he didn’t return any of her advances and didn’t keep this up.

“I—” he stuttered, entirely out of his depths and feeling like his heart was breaking with guilt, “it’s—I’m gay!”

He wasn’t. (At least not that he knew. He was nothing as far as he could tell.) It was just better than the crying, and he almost never lied, but maybe this one wouldn’t hurt.

The girl looked up from her hand, still crying more than not, and sniffed dramatically. “You are?”

“Yes,” Ryuuji lied again. “It’s not something I share.” It wasn’t something that was likely true. Ryuuji, whatever he was, seemed to be alone.

“I’m sorry,” the girl apologized, sniffing, and that irritated something in Ryuuji. He wasn’t gay, but it was rude to apologize for the way someone else felt. “I didn’t know.”

The anger dissolved as quickly as it had come, and that brief and poor choice of words was probably the reason he didn’t see a dark-haired boy ducking back around the corner with a shocked expression and a slight blush before he was covering his face with his hands and trying to get his excited and hopeful tail to still.

——♡(´･ω･)(･ω･`)♡——

Ryuuji was sitting under an old oak while he tried to finish his third essay for Demon Pharmaceuticals (Yukio had to be upset about something with the amount of work he was giving out) and was thinking he needed to get some food because he was starving.

“Hey!”

Rin’s cheery voice had him looking up, squinting a bit as his strained eyes refocused, and nodding in acknowledgement.

“Hey, Okumura.”

Rin gave a small wiggle Ryuuji recognized as meaning his tail was trying to wag where wit was hidden under his shirt, and sat down.  Ryuuji raised an eyebrow as a small smile started to lift his lips.

“You need help with homework?” Ryuuji asked, thinking Rin wasn’t likely to have started on this essay yet, but might be working on the previous one.

Rin shook his head and set a bottle of tea and a yakisoba bun on the table before sliding it towards Ryuuji.

“You skipped lunch,” he explained. “Figured you’d be hungry.”

Ryuuji grinned properly and reached for it. “Thanks! I was late getting out and knew there wasn’t a shot of getting there in time to get anything affordable.”

It was still warm. Or Rin had warmed it up for him. (That was more likely now that Ryuuji was thinking about it.) The warmth always made the flavors come through more vibrantly and he’d gone through half of it without even noticing. He blushed a bit when he did notice and made himself slow down and look up.

Rin was beaming and it was hard not to smile back at him. He had a great smile and Ryuuji hadn’t really gotten to see him today. It wasn’t a day they had a shared Cram Class.

“I um, wanted to ask you something?” Rin said after a moment. “I… would you like to go to the concert together?”

Ryuuji stilled in utter shock. Of all the conversations they’d have, he would never have expected that one.

“What?”

Rin swallowed, and Ryuuji realized Rin was blushing, quite a lot, and that his hair had the slightest glitter of flames in it.

“I want to go to the concert with you.” He said, like it wasn’t shocking and he hadn’t been asking most every girl and gotten super excited about the possibility of going out with Shiemi. (And got excited about trying on a regular basis.)

“Me? Since when?”

Rin blushed all the more. “Since the hairclip? I just didn’t think… I didn’t know you were gay.”

Ryuuji blinked and realized that of course people gossiped. That was probably everywhere. He was going to have to figure out how to turn guys down too now. Great.

“I don’t… I’m not. I didn’t know what to do and she was crying and I just said the first thing I could think of.”

Rin flushed all the more and seemed to wilt. “Oh. Shit. Sorry. Just, uh, forget I said—”

“I’m not straight either. I don’t…”

He didn’t think he was anything. He’d never really looked into it. He’d fit in fine when he was younger and then it seemed like everyone was doing something he hadn’t been told about and that entire world had left him behind and confused.

Rin looked up again, seeming curious now. “You’re ace?”

“I don’t know.” He frowned, curious. “Did you actually want to go out with me? Or did you just want a date?”

He’d never actually thought about going out with a guy. He’d have fun hanging with Rin. More fun than going with a stranger. At least as long as Rin didn’t expect a lot more than what they usually did. (Not only did Ryuuji seem to be missing most of what his friends got, he also had no idea what dates even really entailed. Everyone seemed to only be trying to get as far as they could and that wasn’t appealing.)

Rin looked a bit insulted. “Yeah I want to go out with you. Not just a date. I like you Suguro. You’re cool and funny and smart and determined. You’re fun to be around and I like competing with you. Of course I wanna go out with you.”

Something warm and strange seemed to spread in Ryuuji’s chest. He liked the specificity of that. That it was him Rin was seeing and not just another person to ask out. He liked Rin, and he found Rin fun to hang out with and compete with and Rin drove him crazy in so many ways, but he knew he could trust Rin, and he knew Rin trusted him, and Rin would call him out when he was being an ass and listen when Ryuuji said he was, and Rin was earnest and loyal, and Ryuuji was starting to think he’d just found a strange new idea.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You can just, uh, forget I asked? Forget any of this happened?”

Ryuuji shook his head. “No.”

Rin scowled. “Why not?”

Ryuuji pulled the tea closer and broke the seal with a strangely loud noise as Rin watched him. “I’m going to keep getting asked,” he decided with a frown as he twisted the lid off the rest of the way. “It’s gonna keep happening and I’m tired of it and I don’t want to make anymore people cry. So…”

He took a sip, wondering if this was actually a stupid idea, but he’d rather do this with the promise of actually having fun than keep saying no or crumble under the pressure of some stranger crying and making him feel like a monster.

“I’d go with you, if you’re serious. I can’t… I don’t know what I am, or if I can like you, but it’d be fun.” He looked at Rin over the top of the tea – the brand he drank the most and the type that was supposed to help with migraines and one you could only get at a specific vending machine at this level of the Academy, but one Rin had brought him because he’d noticed that. “If that’s okay with you, then let’s do it.”

Rin narrowed his eyes like he was trying to sniff out a trap, which was rude and made Ryuuji scowl a little, but he held his tongue.

“On a date?”

“I don’t know anything about them. But sure. Just know I—”

“You’re not all feely,” Rin interrupted and flapped his hand like that wasn’t what he was concerned with. “That’s fine. I can try and woo my princess,” he gave Ryuuji a big and toothy grin that made Ryuuji’s entire face feel hot.

“I’m not a princess!”

Rin grinned all the wider. “Don’t get your skirt twisted, princess. I’m gonna be all romantical and no hard feelings if it doesn’t work, okay?”

Ryuuji grumbled but nodded. “Deal.”

Rin stuck his hand out as he stood up, holding it out to Ryuuji like he wanted him to shake it and seal the deal, so Ryuuji did, and found himself entirely confused when Rin took his hand and shifted to sit next to Ryuuji, not giving his hand back. Just holding it in his own warm hand, sitting close enough that Ryuuji could feel the heat of him and peering down at Ryuuji’s Demon Pharmaceuticals homework.

“Shit,” he asked like it wasn’t weird to snag someone’s hand. (Wasn’t it?) “Did we have homework?”

Ryuuji laughed and shoved the book towards Rin. “Yeah, another essay.”

“Another?! We had one?!”

(Ryuuji’s hand was still being held, and he’d never realized how Rin’s hand was calloused. Probably from all the sword drills.)

“We had three.”

“Three?!” Rin looked down at the book horrified. (His hand was smaller than Ryuuji’s. Their fingers fit strangely well together despite that.) “Yukio’s gonna kill me.”

“I’ll help ya out, moron. “

Rin’s smile went all toothy again, enough that his eyes went a bit squinty too, and Ryuuji decided he could use his left hand to finish his own essay. Rin could keep his right one for now.

“Thanks!”

Ryuuji passed Rin a few sheets of paper and a pen and pointed to the first assignment where he’d written the notes for it.

“You take notes for homework?” Rin asked, and snorted. “You’re a nerd, princess.”

“You’re not in a place to judge, ya monkey.”

(His face felt a bit warm, and there was something spreading through his chest he wasn’t quite sure about, but he wasn’t scared and he wasn’t uncomfortable, and it was something he felt might be okay to explore with Rin.

Just without the princess.)

“No,” Ryuuji intercepted, tapping Rin’s hand with his pen. “That’s the wrong word. Check the spelling.”

Rin did and Ryuuji saw his tongue poke out a little in concentration and felt Rin’s leg start to jiggle a little next to his that reminded him of dozens of study sessions like this. Something comfortable and familiar, but the slightest bit different as Rin started to brush his thumb over Ryuuji’s in a steady rhythm that wasn’t distracting, even though it seemed like it should be.

He didn’t know what he was or if he could feel anything like what Rin wanted, but he thought he might be starting to see the appeal in holding someone’s hand.

[ruporas]

can’t talk about it

[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.

Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We  can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."

The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"

The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."

The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."

The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."

The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]

[heartscrypt]

azul stronger than me bc if the tweels trapped me on a boat with my crush and started blasting the soppiest song known to man id seriously jump off

[aracariwren]

A bunch of Mii Fighter drawings :D

[beneathsilverstars]

i keep adding things to this one post and then realizing they'd make more sense as a separate post. so here's how the party explained what happened in dagger ending au to bonnie:

Siffrin was very sad and worried about everyone leaving, because he was alone before he met us and he didn't want to be alone again. But he didn't talk about it because we all had plans that seemed very important, and he didn't want to get in the way, and he didn't want to admit that he didn't have anything else to do. It sounds pretty silly when you put it like that, but the rest of us were nervous to admit how much we cared about each other, too! Sometimes it's hard to tell someone how important they are to you, if you don't know whether you're important to them.

During the quest it was okay, because Siffrin knew we would stay together until Vaugarde was saved. But getting to Dormont meant the quest was almost over, and they got so upset at the idea of everyone leaving, that they didn't really care about what they were doing. Why did it matter what happened to them, when they were going to be sad and alone tomorrow either way? So they weren't very careful while they were training, and they got hurt. Luckily Odile saw, and Mirabelle healed them right up.

Now, he's really glad that we all decided to stay together longer! But he might still feel worried for a while, because it's hard to believe that everyone isn't leaving, after he's been dreading it for so long. And sometimes when you're sad for a long time, your brain just tries to keep being sad even when there isn't any reason to be. But if we keep reminding him that we love him just as much as he loves us, it'll start to stick in his brain better! We might also need to remind him to be careful and take care of himself, because that can be hard to remember when you're sad. And while he practices that, we can help take care of him, too!

[cillyscribbles]

obsessed with ideas of what a fight between those two would look like...

[bairdthereader]

Intentional Touch, Respected Space: A By-Episode Study, Part 4.1

This is the space where their love grows in safety.

S1E4: Secret (Section 1 of 2: Opening Scene)

[This episode will be split into two analyses, because the first scene is so complex and grew into its own post. So, the rest of E4 will post later.]

Charlie left Harry’s party crushed, devastated, and blaming himself for what he sees as another disastrous misreading of a relationship. He thinks he’s lost not only his romantic interest but, even worse, his best friend. Nick left Harry’s party confused, overwhelmed, and deeply guilty about leaving Charlie alone. The close and safe space they'd built between them looks, now, vast and inhospitable. The next morning, Charlie wakes up reluctantly and brushes his teeth, staring at his reflection while intrusive thoughts and negative transmutations of the night before play in his mind. In his reimagined version of events, Charlie is smiling and overeager as he asks Nick whether Nick would kiss him, and Nick responds with a surprised and disgusted rejection. This erases the beautiful, intentional romantic touch of the night before from Charlie's memory and overwrites it with damaging space, with the chasm that opened when Nick walked away.

Thankfully, that downward spiral of revisionist thinking is interrupted by a knock on the door.

To Charlie’s utter shock, Nick is standing on the front step in absolutely bucketing rain, soaked and out of breath. Nick starts immediately with an apology, before he even steps foot in the house—perhaps trying so hard to get the words out that he doesn’t think of coming in first, or perhaps respecting the fact that Charlie might need some physical space after the events of the night before, or perhaps feeling that the chasm needs to be crossed slowly and carefully . . . perhaps all three at once. While he explains that he didn’t text because he wanted to talk in person, his eyes rove over Charlie, and a little grin appears, before he anxiously looks back up at Charlie’s face. Nick is so happy and relieved to see Charlie, to have the chance to fix things between them, but when he looks back up at Charlie, Charlie's customary enthusiastic grin is missing, and Nick's concern about the coming conversation resurfaces; there's a hint of pleading in that anxious look. Charlie shows a similar, though more muted, progression, but where Nick’s expression lands on a bit of nerves, Charlie’s lands on fear—there’s a ghost of a smile, followed by a tense gulp, a little anxious twitch in his right arm, a slight frown. To Charlie, looking at the chasm from a perspective of self-blame, Nick’s desire to talk in person seems like the precursor to some kind of permanent break in their friendship.

Charlie says “okay” nonetheless. Whether his intent is to get Nick out of the rain (when the truth is, Nick is will stand in the rain until doomsday if that’s the only way he can talk to Charlie), or to continue to close the distance between them now that Nick has taken the first step (or both), Charlie reaches out. One hand grips the sleeve of Nick’s hoodie, while the other holds Nick’s upper arm, and he pulls Nick inside—the first touch since their kiss the night before, the first narrowing of the divide. The second Nick is fully out of the rain, Charlie’s hands drop, clenched at his sides. Charlie is still, contained, waiting . . . worrying that any kind of touch from him is now anathema to Nick and trying to respect that possibility, that space, while simultaneously wanting to touch him. Nick is all movement, repeated swallowing and hands fluttering nervously, almost gripping the edge of the door one moment, going for his pockets the next, finally letting them settle somewhere by his sides, wondering if any kind of touch is okay in this situation but wanting it nonetheless. Nick’s eyes dart around Charlie’s face; Charlie’s are steady on Nick, unwavering.

Nick must have felt an intense singlemindedness about just getting to Charlie and talking to him to ignore such a downpour, rather than taking a few seconds to grab an umbrella. Some part of Charlie recognizes this as he tries to break the tension by asking Nick whether he forgot his coat and then, with a hesitant smile, affectionately calls him an idiot, hoping he can return a bit of normalcy to their interaction.

There’s a flicker of the old comfort between the two of them—a reminder—before Nick pulls himself together and brings up the night before. Charlie immediately looks down, his brief moment of confidence gone, as he waits for whatever rejection he expects Nick to dish out. “About last night, I just wanted to say” is as far as Nick gets before Jane enters the scene, a timely (if annoyingly parental) reminder that they are not alone.

Jane’s comments about Charlie’s pajamas might have the opposite of the shaming effect she intended, since Nick is immediately unable to help giving Charlie a thorough, almost childishly enthusiastic and pleased once-over. A look Charlie catches him in and which Nick immediately tries to downplay, erasing the grin, standing a bit straighter, a little surprised at himself and wondering whether this kind of appreciation is, well, appreciated by Charlie. Charlie’s little return smile is a mixture of nervous, hopeful, and a bit confused. He suggests going up to his room, and with a tiny heel bounce and nod, Nick agrees, looking trepidatious as he walks past Charlie, who eyes him with obvious worry before hurriedly fixing his hair and following.

The boys enter what has hitherto been a safe space, both looking slightly terrified. Charlie looks down as Nick takes off the soaking wet sweatshirt, at once trying to respect Nick and also taking a moment to shield himself from what he thinks is coming, and gathering strength to say all the things he has to say. There is so much bravery in this pause before either of them speaks—Charlie, confronting his worst fears and crushing self-recrimination, and Nick, preparing to explain something about himself that he barely understands—both in an effort to salvage their friendship first and foremost. They begin the conversation a few feet apart, both trying to map the new boundaries of their shared space, each trying to give the other the room they think they need. Nick squares his shoulders just slightly, intentionally pulls his gaze back to Charlie, and tries to start.

But Charlie steps slightly forward into the chasm between them, the intensity of his need to apologize, to mend the rift he thinks he’s caused, pushing him toward Nick, even as he avoids Nick’s eyes. He realizes what he’s doing and pulls back slightly, though still not back to his original position. He wants, desperately, to have that space bridged.

Then begins what we have to suspect is a verbal vortex of apologies that Charlie has rehearsed yet can’t completely control in this moment of real life confrontation. Charlie grows increasingly frantic, while Nick’s frown intensifies. Nick listens for a while, surprised and a little sad, but also recognizing on some level what Charlie is doing and where it’s coming from, his near compulsive need to take the ”blame” and absolve Nick of anything that might be causing Nick discomfort. When Charlie gets to “I don’t want you to feel awkward about it because it was all my fault,” Nick decides it’s time to interject. He steps decisively and intentionally forward, knowing that Charlie needs to hear Nick’s side of the story to understand that there is, in fact, no “fault” here at all. But Charlie barrels on, so caught in the maelstrom of negativity in his own head that he doesn’t hear Nick’s words or notice the steps Nick has taken to close the space between them. He says, “I shouldn’t have kissed you,” and Nick stops abruptly, hurt, worried that maybe he got this wrong and Charlie does regret the actual kiss (rather than just the aftermath), briefly questioning the wisdom of narrowing the chasm of both physical and emotional space between them.

But then Charlie’s overthinking and over apologizing—“I bet you just felt pressured to do it because I asked” and “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me ever again"—gives Nick more insight into Charlie’s feelings and state of mind. Charlie is not saying he shouldn’t have kissed Nick because he didn’t want to, but because he fears it has pushed Nick away. He’s saying he cares about Nick so deeply, and their friendship is so important, that he would give up and take back something he wanted if it meant preserving what they had before. He’s saying he feels unworthy of Nick’s interest or attraction, that he believes Nick would never return Charlie’s kiss except out of pity or pressure. In that moment, Nick knows he has to stop Charlie, he has to make Charlie understand that his fears are largely unfounded. The need to close the gap, to get them both back in a safe space of mutual understanding, along with the desire for intentional, meaningful touch, propels Nick the last step toward Charlie. As Charlie says, with only a very little hope in his voice “I at least had to say I’m sorry. See if maybe there’s a chance we can still be friends?” Nick grips Charlie’s upper arms briefly, trying first with a careful, grounding touch to get Charlie to pay attention.

When Charlie seems unable to stop, when he goes on to say, “I don’t want to lose you because I did something stupid,” Nick knows for sure that Charlie has not willingly removed himself from their mutual safe space. He’s still there, waiting for Nick, hoping Nick will return, even if it's only as a friend. Charlie doesn’t realize Nick is already there with him; he never really left. Nick uses both hands, gently but firmly, to hold Charlie’s face and turn it up toward him so Charlie has to look Nick in the eye. He has to pull his focus from his damaging inner monologue and really see Nick.

When he does, he’s still afraid. Even with Nick’s careful, familiar, intentional, highly communicative touch, Charlie can’t quite believe that maybe his negative interpretation of Nick's feelings could be wrong. There’s a long, silent moment of direct eye contact, of reconnection, that must bring back clear memories of the good parts of the night before. Here, Nick is simultaneously checking in with Charlie, making sure the touch is accepted, while also preparing to show Charlie in the clearest, most direct way that Nick has not decided to abandon Charlie. Even if his mind can’t quite make the leap, there’s no way Charlie can miss the decision that Nick makes in this moment, the intentionality behind his next touch. Nick looks down at Charlie’s mouth, frowns in concentration and determination, and presses his fingers tighter against the back of Charlie’s neck, knitting them together as he pulls Charlie toward him with a quick indrawn breath. Unlike their kisses at the party, carefully initiated by Charlie, this one is led by Nick. There’s nothing tentative or fearful about it, and Charlie responds to that confidence, hands gripping Nick’s shirt and rising up on tiptoes to get closer to Nick.

They pull just slightly apart, trying to understand both themselves and each other, trying to reinstate the safe space they’d built together. Nick keeps his hold on Charlie, though it’s a bit looser now, and his shoulders stay up by his ears, curled in toward Charlie, holding onto the moment for a bit longer as he looks intently at Charlie and takes a deep breath followed by a nervous gulp. Not that Nick needed it, but all of his positive feelings while kissing Charlie the night before are reinforced here.

Charlie is watching Nick, as he always does, waiting for his reaction, checking in, all the while wondering what exactly just happened and what it all means. His attempt to verbalize this confusion comes out as “um,” and the question in that sound seems to remind Nick that he still has things he needs to say. He carefully removes his hands from Charlie’s neck and settles back just a bit, giving them both room to breathe and acknowledging that they still have a ways to go in understanding each other completely. Charlie’s eyes rove over Nick’s face, asking all the questions. 

Then Nick, looking distressed, says, “God,” as if he can’t believe what he’s just done, or perhaps that he’s done it without explaining himself first. The word and tone are obviously directed inward, not at Charlie, yet Charlie clearly thinks that Nick’s upset is somehow his fault all over again. This is only confirmed in Charlie’s mind when Nick frowns, shakes his head, and gives an  “I’m so sorry,” before turning away. Charlie’s first, terrified thought is that Nick has once again kissed him out of pity or some other misguided feeling of pressure, and here now must be the moment of retreat for Nick. Charlie watches Nick sit tensely on the edge of his bed, and he waits, allowing the space between them to stretch, not sure, for the moment, what that space means or how wide it actually is. Once again, his hands are clenched, and he’s standing straight, braced.

But then, Nick apologizes for something he did; “I’m just so sorry I ran away last night.” There’s an incredible vulnerability here, as Nick voices what has clearly been gnawing at him the most since the night before, the real reason he ran through the rain without texting first to get to Charlie; running toward Charlie, not away. Though he has so much of his own inner turmoil to deal with, his primary concern is for Charlie’s feelings and the way Nick’s abrupt departure must have affected Charlie. This simple apology, spoken with deep feeling and some eye contact and a lot of introspection, tells Charlie a few things. That Nick does not intend to pull away—he’s here apologizing for exactly that thing—or put distance between them or ignore what happened; that he wanted to stay with Charlie; and that Nick knows Charlie deserves this explanation, this apology (a level of respect Charlie was never given by Ben). Charlie doesn’t relax, exactly—he’s too keyed up for that—but you can see understanding in his eyes.

And here’s where Charlie has to rewire his thinking just a bit. Nick begins sharing and explaining his inner landscape, his worries, concerns, and challenges. “I was just freaking out because I was confused, and surprised, and, like, honestly, I’m having a proper full-on gay crisis.” Contrary to Charlie’s previous experiences with Ben—who deflected, blamed, shamed, and gaslighted Charlie rather than performing any kind of self-examination, conditioning Charlie to expect not only pain and rejection, but emotional inaccessibility as well—Nick is inviting Charlie into his thoughts, reaching through their space of emotional safety and asking Charlie to understand Nick even in the midst of his own confusion, to come back to the solid ground they had before and stand next to him. And Charlie is getting there; he recognizes what Nick is offering with his honesty, and he moves back into the figurative safe space between them. All he's waiting for now is verbal, clear confirmation that the literal space can be crossed as well, that physical touch can be part of their relationship again too, that Nick's confusion and panic aren't directed at Charlie specifically, but instead at the larger implications of his recent self-discovery.

Nick once again gives this confirmation to Charlie with his thoughtful, considered honesty. Remembering Charlie’s guilt vortex, remembering his devastated face when Nick jerked away the night before, Nick moves on to address what he knows has been bothering Charlie the most: “It’s not that I didn’t want to . . . you know . . . kiss you.” This isn’t the easiest thing in the world for Nick to say; there’s physical and emotional effort behind the words. Other than his reactionary "I don’t know" and "maybe" and one quiet "yeah" in the ballroom, Nick hasn’t ever admitted out loud that he’s physically attracted to Charlie. Audibly naming a thing gives it a certain power, an almost tangible reality, and the fact that he chooses to take this step now shows not only that Nick is willing to push the boundaries of his own bravery to put Charlie's mind at ease, but also that Nick believes that the bedrock of trust between himself and Charlie is still there.

He goes on to lay even more of himself bare to Charlie, almost unable to control his emotion, and perhaps, now, unwilling to control it; if he can’t be vulnerable in this respected space with Charlie, when can he be? Now that he's apologized for what he sees as his missteps and given Charlie as much insight as he can, Nick lets himself show Charlie the true depths of his struggles. This is where that space they've nurtured gives Nick a soft place to land; it's where he has room to fully feel and accept his pain and confusion without any fear of judgment or shame, because this is Charlie, and this is the gift Charlie gives the people he loves.

Charlie recognizes how hard this is for Nick—though his personal experience was different, Charlie has felt some of these same things himself—and his deeply ingrained empathy, along with his growing certainty that Nick does not regret kissing Charlie, that Nick's flight was a result of impulse and momentary fear rather than disgust or regret, leads him to at last close the physical distance and sit down next to Nick. Intentionally close, touching shoulders, but nothing else just yet. Lending silent support and showing Nick that Charlie’s in this, too. He understands. He’s not looking away from it. And while Nick's gaze is turned inward at his own turmoil, he doesn’t move away from Charlie’s careful touch; he knows he needs it.

As Nick starts to say “I just think I need some time,” Charlie’s mouth closes and he gives a huge gulp. What is Nick going to say next? Will he ask for time apart? Is this the moment—Charlie's brain suggests, despite all that just happened and all that was just said—that Nick will draw some kind of line and actually pull away? But Nick just says “to figure this out.” He doesn’t ask for space, or a pause, he doesn’t tell Charlie that Charlie isn’t the one he wants to figure it out with. It’s a simple and straightforward statement of intent—he’s going to figure himself out, he’s going to do the emotional work of understanding himself, he’s not running away from it, or, importantly, from Charlie, despite the intensity of his confusion. This must be encouraging for Charlie to hear after his experiences with Ben, and nothing he knows about Nick would give him cause to doubt that Nick will do this.

Still, Charlie knows this will not be easy for Nick, no matter how determined he is, and Charlie’s understanding of Nick’s current pain combined with Charlie’s anticipation of Nick’s future pain morphs into a powerful need to offer comfort. He doesn’t say anything—in this moment, words aren’t what Nick needs—but he firmly and decisively wraps an arm around Nick’s shoulders, fully crossing the intentional touch divide now that his understanding of Nick's feelings is clear, now that he knows that touch will be good for both of them.

This draws Nick back to the surface from the deep well of his thoughts, reminds him that Charlie is there, in their space with him, and when Nick looks back at Charlie, all of that understanding and empathy and deep friendship, all the things that Charlie is so, so good at, are right there on Charlie’s face. And Nick knows he can be himself with Charlie in a way he isn't with anyone else in his life.

The chasm of the night before has been closed.

This isn’t a hug; it’s a sanctuary.

[tracing-lines-in-the-infinite]

I knew Riz wanted the Bad Kids to stay together for Junior year. I knew that. But when he told Sklonda that they needed to find a university that all 6 could get into I started crying. He just wants to be with his friend forever and I don't want to see him hurt when that doesn't happen.

[vertexline]

Sometimes you just wanna take a nap with your tiny vampire husband

[jicklet]

3.09 || 4.11 Will you ask me again one day, please, Ned Nickerson? You better believe it, George Fan.

[m0thisonfire]

Honestly the only thing giving me hope that Vedan and Isabella will be added to Afk Journey is the fact Silvina is in it, and seeing other characters from Afk Arena being slowly implemented is leaving me like

Its only a matter of time

Niru is in the game, so I'm willing to bet Shemira and Daimon are on their way as well.

Brutus is there, so Khasos might be added.

Thoran is in the game, so I'm holding out hope Grezhul gets added.

Rowan and Hogan are in the game, so Angelo and Morvus are on their way too.

Mirael? Raine and Fawkes have a chance to pop up.

I am holding out hope, I have to, I gotta, I need to see all my favorites back with their unions.

Until then, I gotta play the game and just sit here with all these characters without their counterparts

SOON. SOON MY FAVORITE UNION WILL BE COMPLETE.

[ananke-xiii]

A dream, mine:

spn s13 but with cas alive and jack's a baby, dean and mary are in the AU and lucifer is still on earth. Somehow sam and cas manage to save jack and themselves from lucifer but now they're on the run and they are both questioning their life choices. Sam's like super pissed because he's been baby trapped by cas of all people and he's now stuck with an unhinged angel and a baby that's half his nemesis, a nemesis with which he shares the most unfortunate, most fucked up, saddest "profound bond" of all time. Cas is pissed too because he was handed the shortest (technically the tallest but shhh) straw by fate and ended up with the wrong brother, what's worst, he's now forced, once again, to re-evaluate all his millennia-long prejudices against all kinds of abominations since he's stuck sharing a car with two of the finest examples ever produced. Jack is just a baby which means he cries a lot, wants to eat, does his things etc and the crying alone is enough to send cas and sam crazy. Cas resents sam because he thinks he's using the angel with the excuse that he doesn't sleep so he can look after the baby. Sam resents cas because he went doing his hot girl shit instead of following his plan. Things reach a boiling point when they're in a gas 'n sip, sam deep in "newborn lore" on his smartphone, trying to understand what a newborn can eat out of gas station food, and cas's exasperated because "we can just wear a white coat, go to a hospital and steal breast milk". Sam snaps and he's like "what IS wrong with you, dude?" and cas is so done so he's like "tell me, sam, what IS wrong with me, sam?". Sam's not dean and he's not above recounting all the times cas has fucked them over, fucked him over, he literally uses his fingers to start counting everything that's just wrong with cas and he sure as hell starts by telling him how thick an actual angel of the lord, "the fucking angel of fucking thursday has no feel" (sam's words not mine), can be to save a person from hell without realizing that the soul's not there when he basically did the same thing for dean so "uh cas, explain this to the hand, CAS-TI-EL"! And cas finds out that, after all, he's not that bad at this feeling and being almost human shit cause he suddenly feels very in touch with his feminine side and he's ready to remind sam how thick can he be to think that god was speaking to him telling him to open the cage, like "what sam, just because amara was speaking to dean, you thought god would have spoken to you, to you, SA-MU-EL?" They're one step close to a catfight, neither of them is shy enough to prevent it, they both can and will grab each other by their hair and grip tight to raise themselves from this domestic hell. But they're in a gas 'n sip, whisper-yelling about angels, hell, souls and god and people begin eyeing them, the clerk reaches for the phone. They stop and realize that, in their current state, they're both two male presenting beings somewhere in their forties or in their vicinity with a screaming baby in cas' arms and one call away from child protection services . Things are not good.

Meanwhile, dean is with mary, fake bobby and fake charlie having the time of his life in the fake purgatory copy that is the AU releasing all his decade-long repressed sexual energy toward a certain angel by killing angels with bullets made out of angel blades and knifing the occasional monster of the week that goes bump in the night. Things are good.

[viperwhispered]

So, to continue yesterday's brainworms of throwing Malleus into the mix with Jamil and Emi.

Honestly tho… The more I think about it, the more I’m starting to feel like Malleus x Jamil could actually work. (Mallejami is apparently the tag, as empty as it is.)

Like I said, Jamil could certainly help Malleus understand the consequences of his actions (and avert some of the disasters).

But I also think Malleus’s honest recognition could do quite a bit for Jamil’s ego and sense of self-worth.

Like these bits from Firelit Sky and Sebek's ceremonial robes vignette that yuurei20 compiled, where we see Malleus giving praise that Jamil seems to genuinely accept.

And also the point from that vignette, that Jamil doesn't seem supremely vary of Malleus as a person – it's Jamil's awareness of Malleus's position, and the potential consequences of things going wrong, that have Jamil on edge during Firelit Sky, for example.

(Apparently they also have some positive interactions in the New Year's event, but I've not gotten to hunting for translations for that one.)

Of course, it’d be a bit of a journey for Jamil to view Malleus as an equal, instead of falling back to all the things that have been impressed onto him since childhood. Not sure if Malleus being used to retainers and servants would kinda help here, tho - like, at least he’d be used to that kind of stuff (and used to dismissing it when he wants to?). And I’d imagine he could handle it a bit more “gently” than Leona did in book 6. He certainly seems to be decent about taking the wishes of the Diasomnia fam into account (at least now that I reread Glomas and saw the way he encouraged Sebek, for example). Again, not always done very successfully or thoughtfully, but Malleus certainly tries.

So yeah, it would definitely take a while for Malleus and Jamil to really have a heart to heart. But with mallemil in particular, we do have an Emi-shaped bridge here, so…

And like, it would not be easy, but Jamil’s experience certainly would help him slot in into Briar Valley, if that became a thing.

Besides, there is that straightforward, even blunt side to Jamil, which certainly could be helpful in calling Malleus out.

Though Malleus does have his own bluntness which doesn’t hurt either.

They both could just kinda do with it, you know? Having someone call them out, while also encouraging them in other aspects.

(Tho oh boy if both Emi and Jamil wouldn't end up kinda prickly about the whole self-determination thing at various points. It's hard to imagine Malleus fully learning his lesson just from his overblot, tho we'll see how that ends up. Like I'm sure they'd both have to remind Malleus, in various ways, that while he has the responsibility for making decisions for his subjects, he can't extend that same habit to personal relationships. Jamil certainly has had enough of things being decided for him, and it's something that gets Emi's hackles totally up, too.)

On the other hand, with mallemil, I can just so see all of them taking turns teasing each other. Like Malleus and Jamil could have so much fun ribbing someone together. Like during GloMas when they were so quick to both turn to teasing Sebek while Trein was showing them around the waterways:

Like look at me and tell me they couldn't be great shenaniganing together.

But also Malleus and Emi teaming up to fluster Jamil �� or Emi and Jamil calling out / teasing Malleus.

It really just works all ways.

Plus these two as travel buddies? Once Jamil gets over his anxieties over Malleus? (I mean he could get over himself with Leona not needing babysitting, I'm sure with time he can let go with Malleus too. I hope.) Jamil getting to see all those new things he's been longing for, Malleus getting to experience all those things he’s only heard Lilia talk about... They could be so sweet and enthusiastic about it ngl, getting to break free basically 🥺

Though, on the practical side of things (and in me trying to figure out how a potential mallemil timeline would go), Malleus doesn’t seem the sort to dismiss his position or duties easily. So it’s not like he’d just up and be like “actually not gonna return to Briar Valley for a bit a human lifetime”. So things would definitely need some finagling post-NRC – and before that, there's not really that much time before Malleus is off for his internships and what have you.

But also like… Malleus would have the means to be traveling outside Briar Valley if he wanted to. Plus I don't know if we've heard about limits to his teleportation abilities. So it might even be relatively easy for him to drop in kinda regularly, as long as he can find the time to do so.

Though yeah, I really can't decide how much would be going on while they're all still at NRC (Malleus's overblot certainly could act as some kinda catalyst), and how much of the developments might only be post-NRC – Emi and Jamil being an established couple, and then Malleus becoming a part of that.

Gonna tag most of the Emi taglist folks, if for whatever reason you'd rather not be tagged for the Malleus part of things, just let me know!

@scint1llat3 @diodellet @bibi-cha

And if anyone else would like to be added for the taglist (for Emi, jamemi, mallejami or the whole shebang, take your pick), let me know as well!

[penofwildfire]

No actually I'm gonna keep talking about my Christmas/Christianity in Ninjago concepts. What if Ninjago has Mormons now. Seriously. It'd be so fuckin funny. Imagine some poor 19-year-olds getting assigned to the "Ninjago City Area Mission". Imagine trying to proselyte after everyone's been through the fucking Merge. Trying to fit that into their worldview. Hilarious.

[scrapimmortal]

crimson wings extra coming soon

[dadrielle]

lolololol fine, twist my arm why don't you, here are my Gabrielle and Imogen thoughts.

Ok, so, one thing I like to turn around in my mind and talk a lot about is how Gabrielle’s moral confidence was shaken after the Rift (for non-Xena-fan followers, this was a series of events that put Xena and Gabrielle at odds and culminated in Gabrielle’s demon-spawn daughter killing Xena’s son, and Gabrielle having to kill her daughter like, twice (neither one stuck)(lol)). She went from having a very strong concept of her own internal moral framework to being unsure and casting about for something she could adhere to in order to regain some sense of knowing The Right Thing To Do. She became even more vulnerable to culty people like Najara and Aiden and Eli, because she was desperately seeking an external scaffolding to hang her morals on because she no longer trusted herself. This lead directly into her misguided pacifism arc, and then into her decision to ultimately put aside that search for her own path in order to follow Xena’s full warrior path, which is really the great tragedy of her character.

Imogen does not reach that point through the same means, of course, but she likewise struggles quite a bit with trusting her own moral sense. She is constantly asking others whether people or actions are good or bad, and second guessing her own actions and worth and motivations. She desperately wants the answers to be easy because they never have been and she is exhausted. She thinks she might be tainted; how can she trust herself to make the right calls? And I think that makes her more likely to both want to believe in authority figures and to be particularly let down by them not being all they’re cracked up to be. Had the Vanguard found her before Laudna, it’s very possible they would have been able to recruit her against her better instincts. I don’t think she would be a true believer and would ultimately rebel against the human cost of the project but without the Hells and Laudna in particular she too would be very much vulnerable to cults.

In both cases, they do actually have strong beliefs and a core desire to help rather than hurt people. But they don’t trust themselves to do it correctly and that gets them in trouble. In both cases, too, the strength of their love is also seeded in this weakness. Gabrielle refused to believe that Hope could be intrinsically evil. Imogen wants so badly for her mother’s actions to come from a place of care. But that lack of self-trust means that when they lean too far into their ability to understand the motives of and have compassion for others, it becomes paralytic instead of balancing.

I hope that Imogen’s arc takes her on a different path than Gabrielle’s; as I said, I think Gabrielle’s ultimate decision to model herself on Xena more fully is a very tragic one. I don’t think she ever quite manages to regain full trust in herself. However, since Imogen’s arc started from a place of self doubt and since that lack of self-worth is the core problem in the Hells generally, I am hopeful that she will develop in the opposite way and ultimately gain a firmer trust in her own ability to do the right thing as best she can.