#they’re soulmates but in a platonic ‘I want someone to simply exist beside me as I go through life’ kind of way

[wool-string]

Lazy duo

[savrenim]

i am running thru ur tumblr to find ONE POST to cite for tvtropes, and i agree so hard with the soulmate stuff. what if my soulmate is an awful abuser, i want the choice to NOT be with them without some painful physical consequence or loss of perception if i don't date them just because the universe said we were "meant to be"... plus if it's just a magic thing it "feels" more justified in-universe that soulmates exist and less like an ass pull so you could justify getting 2 characters together

oH gods this is something that I have SO many feelings about that probably is slightly informed by my own orientation and preferences, but. feelings. this got long so it's going under the cut

so there are three and a half major things that I have a problem with in terms of general soulmate tropes that are "there is one person who is your perfect romantic partner" (which to be fair I've seen a number of soulmate AUs do that trope with the addendum "although it only applies to a certain percentage of the population / not everyone has soulmates / everyone has soulmates but not everyone has SUPER PERFECT ROMANTIC soulmates" which at least somewhat avoids the statistic inevitability of abusive soulmates if combined with Fate Can See The Future And So Your Fated Soulmate Just Won't Be) and these complaints aren't even from the "I'm poly where's my poly rep" kind of place which is a whole 'nother bag of worms, but let's go:

1. I aggressively believe that love is a choice. Love is something that is built, not predetermined before you meet someone. There might be initial compatibility aspects going down when you first meet someone, but, like. statistically there are more than seven and a half billion people on this planet. If there is only a single person perfectly meant for you, again, statistically, you are not going to meet them, I've seen the figure thrown that on average a person will meet on the order 10,000 people in their lifetime but let's even go 100,000, you will meet 0.001% of the world's population. Unless you think some sort of divine coincidence or fate is guiding you to a soulmate which throws free will out the window and then I can't help you but, like. discarding the math, I think it is actively harmful to a relationship to believe that it can be sustained on chemistry or predetermined 'but we're perfect for each other' alone. It requires work. You choose who is in your life, you choose who stays in your life, you choose who you want to be important to you based on what they contribute to your life and what you contribute to theirs.

(I am assuming this ask is at least partially in reaction to my soulmate post, which actually the fic in question, a buried and a burning flame, has since gone up. I highly recommend reading Hands of the Emperor by Victoria Goddard first, but besides the setup for arson wizards that alas is never used because the fire mage with a soulmate in question is Responsible, I decided to both tackle 'okay soulmarks trope too let's throw it in', which leads to the not-really-a-spoiler passage that appears fairly early on about actually the full layout (albeit with less detail on the 'yeah for mages it just helps ground their magic, nothing romantic about it' part) of my Soulmate Rules:

Soulmates existed, both in the Empire of Astandalas and across the Wide Seas. They just worked slightly differently in Vangavaye-ve than the rest of the worlds.

The rest of the Empire seemed to view soulmates as a monolith. From what Cliopher had been able to glean, the tradition was grounded in their magic. Magi had soulmates, or rather, magic-workers would each have a soulmate. Cliopher wasn't clear if all magic-workers had a soulmate, or if magic-workers simply could have one, but there was always a mage in soulmate pairs, and it was always a pair. There were no marks, no visible signs involved, as soulmates were something that were sensed with magic. They were permanent, intrinsic, and to be recognized immediately.

To Wide Sea Islanders, soulmates were a choice.

The soul-marks, lana and lani-voa, would appear the first time you touched someone that you had chosen to love, with the full knowledge that you loved them. Cliopher had the marks of his mother and father, his sisters, Basil and Dimiter, Bertie and Ghilly. His skin was covered lovingly with the colors of his love, marks that he had gotten used to concealing with long sleeves in Astandalas when he had gotten tired of the constant staring at his 'primitive tattoos'.

Buru Tovo had been the only one to give him lani-voa, a greater mark of the soul. The pattern, with its thick lines and twisting design in a deep blue, extended over the entirety of his left arm and shoulder. They were the dances of his family pressed onto his skin, and he had traced them over with reverent and feather-light touch for months after he had received them. A lani-voa marked someone who had changed your life for the better in a deep and irrevocable way. It was a great honor to have even one.

And now, with the gold stretching up his right arm, new patterns that he didn't recognize stretching up from a handprint of pure gold that was expanding the longer he held that first contact with Tor—

now he had two.

(Buru Tovo is Cliopher's great uncle, for context. In fact, everyone listed there is either a familial or platonic relationship, with a single relationship that used to be romantic but settled into platonic.))

so. yeah. Love is a choice! The Biggest Of Moods! any soulmate lore that undermines that is a Bad Message, in my opinion.

The emphasis also on platonic soulmates leads into my second point:

2. I have found in my life that platonic relationships that I have are and have always been as important if not moreso than the romantic relationships. the emphasis of a single romantic relationship as the most important relationship that you can be in maybe fits for some people, but as a generalization to absolutely everyone I think is toxic and harmful. and not just for aro people! I'm not aro, but I would be miserable to write off my friends as Less Important And Meaningful to me than my parter, whom I love with all my heart! (I've actually ended up in my life settling into what I call the red/blue/gold system for 'relationships that I treat with the importance that society treats romantic relationships', but that's a personal thing). The standard soulmate trope tends to really solidly deliver the thesis of "there is a single romantic relationship that is the single most important relationship in your life" and I just think that's a very bad thesis.

3. Finally, I think the emphasis on permanent/forever is a harmful one for relationships in general. People change. you drift closer to people or further away from them. you move, they move, your schedules change, your interests change, your life changes. if you are living with a romantic partner you're going to keep seeing each other every day, but that doesn't stop you from changing as a person, which means see Point 1 Love Is A Choice; but even if you choose to remain together, you are probably eventually going to Ship Of Theseus your entire relationship. I think it is an important message that if that happens and it is no longer a relationship that is as deeply positive as it once was in your life, you don't...have to keep it out of loyalty to what it once was.

It's okay for people to drift out of your life that were once the most important person in your life. It doesn't invalidate how important and meaningful that relationship used to be, and it isn't a betrayal to let yourself and them and your relationships change and evolve. The idea that something has to be forever for it to matter I think is the idea about soulmates that I disagree with the most. Probably because that was the hardest lesson for me to learn as a kid and a teenager, and the life lesson that I am proudest for learning.

3.5 your point 'plus if it's just a magic thing it "feels" more justified in-universe that soulmates exist' is exactly on the nose, literally I am unable to write anything without attempting to write down a universal theory of everything for How The World Works. if something soulmate-wise is going down even if it never appears on the page you bet your ass I have either figured out the general cosmology and theology of "are there gods or divine forces who have instituted this policy? if so, why? what purpose does it serve", or in the case of abaabf which already has such interesting magic rules in the original canon of "is there an evolutionary reason for soulmates to exist" which I don't go tracing out full evolutionary biology for a fic necessarily mostly because I would want the full evolutionary biology in canon to make sure mine is compliant enough but that sure as hell does translate to "if soulmates exist and it's not for the reason of Because Godlike Beings Said So, there better be a practical purpose". I find at least long-form soulmate fics (ie things With Plot and a Developed Setting that aren't just "let's do a ficlet with this well-known trope") that Do Not Feel Like They've At Least Thought About Why Soulmates Happen To Exist hurt my soul. which I think slightly intersects with my "I hate it when the rules of the universe/ laws of physics are human-centric" instead of "the base rules which were not designed for humans came first, and how the human world works arose in reaction to them" and. yeah. consistent desire to know at least for myself why things are set up the way that they're set up which gods ifmlam is wild and completely bullshit and pulls from quantum multiverse philosophy I started writing that thing when I was like. eighteen? nineteen? but at least it's there so I can be consistent.

as a caveat for everything above: I don't actually think that fiction, fanfiction in particular, needs to perfectly reflect what A Good Relationship or A Good Message About Relationships should be. it is a very human desire in a chaotic and confusing world to want a simple, absolute, binary thing to hold onto. fiction is a place for escapism or wish fulfillment or even exploring things that you wouldn't actually want in real life, I think that the movement in fandom/fiction that all of the messaging in your story should match the advice you'd give for a real-life setup is a bad and harmful one. mostly my opinions on soulmates and hence desire to do inversions of the soulmate trope in my fic and things like the red/blue/gold system and heavy emphasis on platonic relationships in original work that I'm writing is about a desire to see representation for me and the things I love and find important and my sort of relationships in the stories that are a big part of my life. but I am really glad that in doing so I seem to have struck a chord in other people, who maybe want to see the same thing!

[escapingreality1992]

The Competition of Misdirection Ch. 9

Nina’s POV

           “Can I talk to you for a moment?” Bucky asked me.

           “Sure. What’s up?”

           “Can we go somewhere-,”

           “Nina, suit up. We need to calm a group of people in Brooklyn. They’re trying to create a chaotic cult hell bent on destroying Los Angeles. For simply existing,” Tony cut him off.

           “Okay. Be right there,” I said. I turned my attention back to Bucky. “What did you need to talk to me about?”

           “Nothing. Go. You’re needed. It can wait,” he said. I smiled and placed my hand on his shoulder before leaving. This was the first day of a long week. We got back late, and I’d been too tired to approach Bucky to see what he wanted. The next day I wanted the chance to tell him how I felt. I found him in the training room and decided to help him spar.

           “About yesterday. What did you want to talk about?” I asked. I dodged a punch but failed to spot him sweeping his leg under me. I landed on my ass, getting up to face him again.

           “Pay attention to my movements. I wanted to say that I-,”

           “Can we train with you two?” Nat interrupted. She was accompanied by Sam, both dressed in workout clothes.

           “Sure,” I said. I didn’t want to be rude and keep them from training. There went my chance of saying anything.

           “Go on. What were you saying?” I said to Bucky.

           “Never mind. I’ll tell you later,”

           “Oh, there won’t be a later. We’re supposed to train with Strange again today,” Sam said. He blocked a kick to his ribs.

           “Also, Wanda wanted an impromptu girls’ night,” Nat stated. Damn, no time to squeeze in with Bucky, I thought.

             “Did Stephen really ask you out?” Tony asked me. Another day, more distractions.

           “Yeah and I turned him down,” I replied.

           “Really? I thought he’d be your type,”

           “I don’t like him as anything more than a friend,” I tapped my foot impatiently. I wanted to see Bucky. Too bad he’d been taken on a mission with Clint.

           “Loki tried kissing you too, right?”

           “Why so curious about the two magic users making a move on me?” I spat out.

           “Why are you upset? I thought you’d be happy about being pursued by potential lovers,” Tony said. He waggled his eyebrows at me, annoying me more.

           “They’re not who I want,” I muttered.

           “What?”

           “Nothing. When are Clint and Bucky supposed to be back?”

           “Tomorrow night. Why?” someone else answered. I turned to face Steve.

           “No reason. I wanted to talk to Bucky about something,” I said.

           “You could call him,” Tony suggested.

           “It’s not something I want to discuss over the phone,” It was getting increasingly difficult to confess everything. When we usually had time to spend together, it appeared as if this week, we were too busy to get any in. Someone wanted us all of the time, leaving none for us to be alone in the same room…or country. All this was doing was making more nervous.

           Tomorrow night turned into two more days – Clint and Bucky returned at midnight on Friday. A note was slid under my door an hour later.

           ‘Meet me on the roof. 3 a.m.’ it read. Two more hours. I could do that.

 3 a.m.

           I pulled my cardigan tighter around me against the chilly New York air. I heard the door to the roof shut and turned to see Bucky walking towards me.

           “Hi,” he greeted me.

           “Hi,”

           “Alone at last. I’ve been dying to talk to you,” he said. He wrapped his arms around me. Bucky was warm and I tried to push my body closer to him. He laughed and rested his forehead on the top of my head.

           “I wanted to talk to you too,” I told him.

           “You first,”

           “No, you,”

           “At the same time, then,” he suggested. I nodded.

           “I love you,” we spoke in unison. My breath hitched and I stepped back to look at him.

           “What?” I asked him. I needed to hear him say it again.

           “I love you. You…you love me? Please tell me I didn’t imagine it,” Bucky said.

           “I love you. You heard correctly. I always have. You’re the one I told Strange I am in love with,”

           “Come here,” I walked back to him and he leaned in to kiss me. Our lips brushed against each other, the moment tender and beautiful. Time stopped and it was only Bucky and me kissing on a rooftop. When he pulled back, he touched our foreheads together, holding my hands, our fingers entwined.

           “Can I take you on a date? Officially?” he asked.

           “Yes,”

           “Good. Tomorrow night. Horseback riding and then dinner,” We walked back in, sharing a kiss before going to bed.

              Stephen Strange had enough of the competition. He had been rejected and he had been fine with it. He planned to tell Loki he was done. Maybe he’d get a chance with Nina. Maybe if she found out Bucky didn’t like her the same way she liked him. He still had hope. Stephen only wanted the best for her. He didn’t want to compete anymore. Stephen would put an end to it. There would most likely be an argument between them. He didn’t expect for the one person he grew to like to overhear everything.

             Loki still wanted to play games, though she had turned from him. He didn’t think the competition was over. He thought he could still win it. He didn’t care. He knew he could win her over. He wanted to beat Stephen Strange and take Nina from him. He didn’t see the signs pointing away from him. He miscalculated how she felt about him. Loki didn’t know about Bucky, didn’t see how Nina looked at the soldier. He didn’t expect the other sorcerer to put an end to the competition. What would come after would shock him.

 Nina’s POV

           “Where are you two headed off to?” Steve asked. Bucky and I were about to go on our first date; horseback riding and then dinner afterwards. Not that we wanted anyone to know. Not yet.

           “We’re going to have a little fun. It’s been a while since we spent time alone together,” I told him. I linked my arm with Bucky’s arm; it wasn’t anything different from our usual antics, but it held a special meaning to our hearts. Steve raised his eyebrows, scanning between the two of us.

           “Are…you two going on a date?” he asked.

           “Maybe. It’s not really any of your business. Don’t wait on us for dinner. We’ll be gone for a few hours,” Bucky said.

           “Okay, sure. You lovebirds have a good time. Date or no date,” Steve said. I guessed he had his own suspicions about what we were up to. It almost seemed as if he wanted the date to happen, even though we hadn’t confirmed anything. He crossed his arms over his chest, winking as we waved goodbye and walked out the door. We rode down to a stable in Brooklyn and rented two horses for two hours. As we rode, we talked about when to tell out friends about us.

           “I say we wait until tomorrow. We have the time for ourselves tonight, but I don’t want to wait too long to say anything. Steve already suspects something, so it’ll only be a matter of time before everyone else catches on,” Bucky stated.

           “Good plan. No one can keep a secret for too long before everyone else figures it out. Besides, I have a desire to kiss you all night. I doubt anyone wants to witness it,” I said. He grinned and reached over to grab my reins. He pulled us to a stop, leaning over to kiss me. Sparks shot through me and I shivered from it; in a good way of course. He kissed me once more, pulling away to peer into my eyes.

           “I love you. I’m glad to be able to take you on a date. I’ve wanted this for a long time,” he told me. I linked my fingers with his.

           “I love you too. We should have done this sooner. I shouldn’t have kept my love for you a secret. I guess I was afraid if I told you, you might not have felt the same way,” I told him.

           “We’re doing it now. That’s all that matters. I’ve been waiting my entire life for you. If it were up to me, I’d marry you now if I could,” My lips parted slightly open in response. We’d only started dating, but I knew our love had grown for us to be soulmates. I wanted to marry him as well, but I was in no rush.

           “Bucky, I…”

           “Relax. I’m not asking you now. I want to wait for the right moment for it. For now, we can take things slow. Enjoy each other,” He brushed his free hand over my inner thigh; heat flooded through me, wetness pooled at my center.

           “Indulge in passion,” he continued, whispering into my ear. My breath hitched and it took everything not to speed back to the stables and take him right there in this moment. Instead, I cleared my throat and met his eyes.

           “Just so you know, I would’ve married you today if you wanted to,” I said. He blinked, his jaw dropping open in surprise. I smirked and propelled my horse forward, daring him to a challenge to chase me. He took it and we sped back to the stables, anyway, bringing our time to an end.

           For dinner, we opted for something simple; burgers, fries, and beer. We figured we were already going to be a little dirty from riding horses and didn’t want to be too fancy. Afterwards, we decided to stroll around the city holding hands and enjoying time together. The thoughts from earlier returned and I wanted…no, needed to get him back to the compound so I could “indulge in passion” so to speak.

           “Is everything okay?” Bucky asked.

           “Yeah. Why do you ask?”

           “You’ve gone quiet and you keep staring at me like-,”

           “I want you to touch me,” I blurted out. I gasped at my outburst but stood my ground as his eyes widened.

           “Sorry. I-,” Bucky cut me off by kissing me. He pulled my body flush against his, clutching my shirt, one hand brushing against my skin. His tongue sought and found entrance to my mouth; fiery electricity spread through my belly, then lower; my hands threaded through his hair, taking hold to tug him closer if it was even possible. We broke apart, breathing heavy.

           “Back to the compound, then,” he said. We turned around to get to his motorcycle and rode back home. We went around to the back entrance; sure no one could see us and up to my room to continue our passionate night.

  The Next Day

             Stephen Strange stormed to the compound. It was time to put an end to the competition. There was nothing else to be done. There would be no more hangouts unless they were platonic in nature. Nina’s feelings were made clear. He didn’t want to play games anymore, though he never had. No more sabotage. He was content to be friends with her. He needed to stop Loki from going forward with it.

           “Hey Strange. What are you doing here?” Tony greeted him.          

           “Loki. Where is he?” Stephen replied.

           “I think he’s in the lounge. What’s this…about? So, you’re now gone,” Tony said, sighing as Stephen bolted past him. Loki, upon seeing the other sorcerer stalk towards him, got up from his seat and met him halfway.

           “Come to fight today? What’s your plan to get her out of the compound? Museums? No, wait. It’ll probably be some-,”

           “We’re done. It’s over. I don’t want to do this any longer,” Strange said, cutting him off.

           “Forfeiting already? I didn’t think you’d give up that easily. Did she bruise your ego that badly? Poor Stephen Strange. She hurt your feelings,” Loki taunted.

           “No. I just don’t want to be in it anymore. She deserves to be happy with someone else,” All the arguing brought an audience. The rest of the Avengers stood around the room, staring as the two sorcerers screamed at each other. They were too busy watching them, they didn’t notice Bucky and Nina come in from a date earlier that morning.

           “Come on, Strange. I want to play more. It’s entertaining coming up with different hangout,” Loki said. He flashed a devilish smile, showing all of his teeth.

           “She’s not meant to played with. You can’t mess around with her feelings or her heart. The competition is over, Loki. That’s final,” Stephen snapped.

           “What competition?” a voice asked. Nina asked. Silence encompassed the entire room, freezing everyone in their tracks. Stephen Strange turned around to face her…

  TO BE CONTINUED…

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Imaginary Friends (Chapter 5)

Title: Imaginary Friends Summary: Nothing’s AU ... except that Dan and Phil have been appearing in each other’s dreams since childhood without realizing it because they’re soulmates. Everything on the outside looks like the reality we’re used to irl. Rating: Teen Word Count: 1950 (this chapter) Tags: Soulmates, AU, But Kind of Not AU, Except That There’s Magic, Certainly Not a Typical Soulmates AU, Dreams, Getting Together, Friends to Lovers Fic also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all Imaginary Friends chapters on Tumblr]

Chapter 5: Friends

It hadn’t made any sense for one of them to sleep in the uncomfortable bunks, regardless of any rock-paper-scissors game they’d played on camera for the documentary. They might not advertise it to the outside world, but they were perfectly comfortable with platonically sharing a fairly spacious bed on the tour bus. They were close friends—the closest—and not homophobic, so why should either of them twist themselves into a 6’2” pretzel every night? It just wouldn’t have made any sense.

So they shared the bed. Platonically.

And it wasn’t weird.

Mostly.

Except for the dreams.

Because every night now, Phil had shadow dreams that had taken on an entirely new dimension. Phil had been a small boy when he first invented his shadow friend, and so their relationship had been that of any two small children having fun together.

But Phil was a man now. And the daily frustrations of going to bed every night beside someone he was hopelessly in love with, someone beautiful and golden and dimpled, someone who smiled at him with a special soft smile he never shared with other people, someone who thought he was funny and brilliant, someone with whom he spent every evening performing a show they had created together, about a world they had created together … it all apparently left him with longings that his subconscious could not handle except by finding another outlet.

And so the shadow had become his lover. Every night, they eventually found each other. Even if Phil was dreaming about something else, the shadow would break through and the dream would change until they were in each other’s arms and Phil felt a sense of completeness and fulfillment that he’d never felt with any of his lovers in the real world.

That made sense, though, because the shadow was a lover he had created for himself, and so of course he would create his own ideal match, someone who knew every aspect of him and every secret wish, and loved him beyond description anyway. Someone who balanced him and complemented him and knew without asking what would please him best. Someone magical and fascinating and just … perfect. Someone with whom he could literally become one in the dream world they shared.

Because who wouldn’t want that? Who wouldn’t want a lover who could simply feel your internal thoughts and longings, and act on them to give you pleasure like you’d never experienced before? Who wouldn’t want that?

Phil woke every morning to a heartbreakingly wonderful split-second of feeling lazily sated and blissful, feeling well-loved and well-fucked, until he turned to look at the beautiful man beside him and remembered that this wasn’t his lover whose head rested on the pillow beside his. His lover didn’t actually even exist, and Phil was just a pathetic man creating a dream outlet for his unrequited emotions for someone who didn’t even notice him in that way.

And so Phil started every morning with a guilty conscience, gazing across the bed at the sleeping face of the man who had no idea of the very non-innocent ideas that occupied Phil’s brain so much of the time.

He was beyond pathetic—he was pitiful. And more than a little miserable every day, despite the bliss of his nights.

They were sitting in a diner in some town in the middle of America somewhere. The tour was such a whirlwind that Phil never really knew where he was anymore and just went where he was told to go and did what he was told to do until it was time to go on stage and perform the show again.

This place didn’t seem to have much on the menu except burgers and fries, and a bunch of different kinds of pie, but it was close to their hotel and so the four of them had walked over to have a quiet meal together. An honest-to-goodness jukebox in the corner was playing actual vinyl records as if they were in some kind of Elvis Presley movie, but Phil didn’t recognize any of the songs. Old stuff, he guessed, from back when they were still making records like that.

His mind started to wander as Dan chatted companionably with Martyn and Cornelia. Last night’s dream had started with music, too … because the shadow himself had entered the dream as a song, something slow and plaintive and lovely … and he hadn’t taken physical form until Phil had already begun swaying to the music. They were in the same lake-side glade where the shadow had first transformed from stars into a man made of starlight, and as he transitioned from song to man he had shone just as brightly, bright as a star but without hurting Phil’s eyes to look at him, in fact making him want to look forever at nothing else…

“How about you, Phil?”

Phil’s head jerked up. He’d completely lost track of the conversation. And his meal. He looked down at the plate of fries he’d been picking at and his half-eaten burger. He looked back at Cornelia, who had asked him the question. “Um … what?”

Cornelia chuckled. “Lost in a fog as usual. We were talking about imaginary friends. I had one when I was little, but I’m guessing you didn’t hear anything I said about her. I was asking if you had any imaginary friends when you were a kid.”

Martyn wiped his mouth and added, “Yeah, I don’t remember you talking about any, but did you?”

Phil glanced from face to face, panicking as he thought of last night’s erotic dream events. He really didn’t want to talk about this. He made a non-committal noise, shrugged, and punted the question to Dan. “How about you? Any imaginary friends?”

Dan chewed and swallowed, looking pensive. “Sort of. I guess so. One. Except I never really thought of him as imaginary. More like another real, actual boy, but I would just slip into his dreams sometimes at night and we would do stuff together.” His expression grew shuttered and he looked down at his plate and pushed it away. “I’ve had enough. How about you guys? Shall we head back?”

Martyn looked around for their waitress, musing, “I want pie. They have a dozen different kinds, I think.”

Cornelia enthused, “Oooh! Pie! Me, too!”

But Phil was distracted by what Dan had said. He couldn’t believe Martyn and Cornelia hadn’t followed up with any additional questions. Hesitantly, Phil asked, “So … you had an imaginary friend in your dreams? When you were a kid?”

Dan shrugged awkwardly. “It’s hard to explain. It was like they were his dreams, but I was able to visit. I always thought of him as some other boy living somewhere else in the world, but I didn’t know where. We never talked about our real lives. We were too busy going on adventures.”

Cornelia looked intrigued now, forgetting momentarily about her quest for pie. “What kind of adventures?”

Dan smiled, his dimples showing. “Oh, terribly derivative stuff. Tolkien and Narnia and Final Fantasy and all that sort of thing. Sometimes we were climbing mountains and fighting giant spiders or crawling through tunnels or looking for buried treasure. Sometimes we fought dragons. Sometimes we were dragons. It was pretty fun, actually. I always looked forward to those dreams. They were my favorites.” His gaze seemed distant now, as if he was lost in fond memories.

Phil just stared at him. He’d never heard of someone else having the same kind of dreams! “What did your friend look like?” he asked, suddenly intensely curious.

Dan frowned slightly, then tilted his head a bit in contemplation. “He always looked different. Well, almost always, anyway. But I always knew it was him.” Dan glanced at Phil. “You know, that way you tend to just know things in dreams, without there being any good reason for you to know them.”

Phil nodded, extremely familiar with that feeling.

Dan continued, musing, “Sometimes he looked like an animal, or a regular boy but covered in leaves or feathers or something. Sometimes he looked just like me, like looking in the mirror but having another person there talking back to you. Sometimes he even looked like a tree or something, but I could still recognize him, still understand him.”

Phil was leaning forward without even realizing it. “I had a dream friend like that when I was a kid, too,” he admitted at last, still feeling shocked that anyone else had experienced something similar to what he had always assumed was something weirdly unique to him.

“Yeah?” Dan asked, perking up. “What were they like?”

Phil shrugged. “Like what you said. They looked different in different dreams, but I always knew it was them. And we had all kinds of adventures and stuff. It was really fun.” They grinned at each other.

“And now you’re having adventures in real life!” Cornelia interjected, making Phil jump a little. He’d sort of forgotten that he and Dan weren’t alone in this conversation, it had seemed so unexpectedly confidential, sharing something he’d never shared with anyone before. But … maybe lots of people had these kinds of dreams. Maybe he just hadn’t heard about it. Maybe it really wasn’t so special after all.

But it had always felt special.

Last night had certainly felt special.

“Right!” Dan said, and at first Phil was so lost in thoughts of last night’s dream that didn’t know what Dan was responding too. “We’re on our great tour adventure across America.” He met Phil’s eyes and smiled. “Everything in the past year or so has seemed like an adventure, to be honest, with the book and everything. It hardly even seems real.”

But it was, Phil reminded himself. This was real. Just because other people had imaginary friend dreams too didn’t make it any more real. They were still just dreams.

Dan was real. The tour was real.

The shadow was just in his head.

“When did your imaginary friend dreams stop?” Martyn asked Dan. “How old were you?” He glanced back and forth between Phil and Dan, casually curious.

Dan’s face closed off, and Phil wondered why. At the same time, he hoped none of them were going to press him to answer that question, because he didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to announce, “Oh, I still see him every night. In fact, I had the best sex of my life last night with my imaginary friend!” He could just picture their appalled reactions. The embarrassment. The pity.

Luckily, the waitress arrived at that moment, and Martyn and Cornelia blithely turned their attention to a discussion of what flavors of pie were available and which were most highly recommended.

Phil met Dan’s eyes briefly, but they both looked away. A moment ago, the conversation had seemed so intimate … and now something uneasy lurked beneath. Probably just Phil’s guilty conscience.

“No pie for me, thank you,” he replied when the waitress got his attention. His three companions all turned to him in surprise. Okay, maybe it was unusual for him to turn down dessert. But some sort of knot had developed in his stomach. He smiled weakly, and noticed that Dan looked a little concerned. He tried to make his smile look a little more convincing, but Dan didn’t look fooled.

At least Dan couldn’t see through him the way the shadow could. He could keep secrets from Dan. In fact, he had to.

Phil looked out the window, but it was so dark in the parking lot outside that he saw only his own reflection … and his face looked sad.

Author’s End Note: Thank you again to my patrons: @jorzuela, @itsjustmestef, and she who shall not be named! If you, too, enjoy my writing and would like to support me, leave a tip in my Tip Jar or learn about how to become a patron. Or, you know, just like, comment, and/or reblog! Any way you can let me know that you’re liking what I’m writing would be very much appreciated! I live for feedback.

[Continue to Chapter 6]

[sassqueenblake]

I was tagged by  @karadanversprince Thanks, doll! So sorry it has taken me so long to get around to this!

Rules:

-Post the rules

-Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

-Write 11 questions of your own

-Tag 11 people.

Originally posted by hellomadelene

1. What is your favorite place in the world?

My favorite place in the world…. Hmmm. I’m assuming the question is referring to places I’ve already been so I’m going to say that it’s a toss up between Tombstone, AZ (I’m a history nerd, what can I say) and Monterey, CA because Monterey Bay is downright gorgeous. If the question is not referring to a place I’ve visited, it would have to be Scotland. That is my number one destination on my bucket list.

2. Which TV show that you loved got cancelled before its time?

The Nine Lives of Chloe King. That show was a cheesy teenage fantasy show, but it had a horrible cliffhanger ending for the first season and then it got cancelled. Thankfully, the writers released the script for the sequel film that was supposed to be made, but the script sufficed and resolved the cliffhanger ending. It would have been nice to see it on TV, though.

3. What book or series do you wish you could force everyone into reading?

Outlander. Without a doubt. It is the best combination of romance, sci-fi, history, comedy, drama, angst, and action all rolled up into 1,000 page books that completely ruin your standards for all other novels you read in the future. Yes, they’re that good.

4. Rain or sunshine?

Total pluviophile here so RAIN. Fall and winter are my bread & butter. I love cold weather, overcast skies, hot tea, and dancing in the rain.

5. What’s your least favorite color?

Chartreuse. Hands down. *vomits* No one can pull that color off, I’m sorry but it’s true. I don’t care what your complexion is, chartreuse is plain and simply ugly.

6. Do you believe in soulmates (romantic or platonic)?

I don’t really believe in soulmates… I believe that there are people that come into our lives at specific times in our lives for specific reasons… Whether that’s fate, destiny, or by the work of a Higher Power, is completely subjective. I believe that there are people that we simply “click” with. It just… works. For example, I have a friend that I met in high school and I call her my “musical soulmate” because we clicked over the keys of an upright piano my junior year of high school in the theatre department. Some peolpe we click with on certain topics, habits, and/or passions that we have in our lives. Personally, I don’t believe that there is a destined “one” that we are to spend our lives with. I think that people are blessed to find the right person for them that they “click” with and are able to stand beside and support through life.

Getting a bit off topic here, but I don’t really care hehe. You guys wanted to get to know me, right? I do believe in true love. Not the fairytale version where they were “meant to be” and everything was perfect and they rode of together into the sunset. I don’t believe in fairytales. I believe that we all create our own happiness, that we are in control of our choices and those choices affect our happiness in life. True love, to me, is demonstrating your love on a daily basis. Not just saying the words, but showing that your love is physically and emotionally true. True to your heart, to his/hers, and to your words & actions. True love is both people proving repeatedly, every day, that their love for the other person is real, valid, alive, and thriving. Love is a choice and an action. Not just an emotion.

Wow that got really deep, really fast. Lol.

7. What’s your comfort food?

I don’t think I really have a comfort food. I get random and weird cravings a lot, but I don’t have a specific comfort food. My cravings can range from Sour Patch Watermelons to donuts to chocolate covered pretzels to mozzarella sticks to ice cream to pickles. Not necessarily in that order or at the same time haha. And that’s just a handful.

8. Favorite villain(s)?

Favorite villain would probably have to be Catherine de Medici from Reign because she was awesome throughout the show, but her villain skills were unparalleled, imo.

9. Show us (or describe) your favorite gif.

I have a lot of gifs in my repertoire, but this one is probably my favorite. Just because it’s amazing and who doesn’t feel like a King after a solid mic drop? 

10. What is your favorite quote?

“The person, be in gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”  - Jane Austen “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.”  -unknown “She was unraveling into someone stronger.”  -r.h.sin

11. Would you rather be able to read minds or speak to pets?

Speak to pets, absolutely! Do you know how much sleep I would lose because of staying up late just talking over life with my dog?? No one would need therapists anymore because, if everyone had the ability tp speak to their pets, the world would be such a happier place. Like, imagine everyone having their dog to be their listening ear to their problems. “oh, he’s neglecting you, you say? Shred up his shoes, that’ll get his attention.” “Susan’s being mean to you? give her a big ol’ slobbery kiss the next time you see her, that’ll do the trick, alright.”

My questions for you:

1. Who was the author/actor/singer/celebrity/figure that changed your life and why?

2. Tea or coffee? (Or neither? Apple cider? Cocoa?)

3. What is your favorite quote? (I like this question a LOT.)

4. How would you describe yourself? Not necessarily in any “boxes” or labels. Just… you. With as many words as it takes.

5. Writer or reader? (Both?)

6. The one TV show universe you wish that you could exist in? Why?

7. How long have you been on Tumblr? What was/were your initial fandom(s)?

8. One film ending that you were incredibly disappointed with?

9. One film ending that had you ridiculously emotional?

10. Do you keep a journal (daily, writing, artist, etc.)? If so, why? If not, why not?

11. Optimist or Pessimist? (one or the other, no realist business here).

Tags to some of the bestest blogs ever (sorry that there aren’t 11… I’m not super social on tumblr because I never know who is going to be nice or not *shrugs*)  @ileftherbehind @bellamynochillblake @bellamyblake-kru @wellsjahasghost

[thedegenerateasexual]

more let’s talk about love under the cut, chapters 17-26:

chapter 17:

this is fully just a feenie and alice fight and tbh feenie is so in the wrong it’s ridiculous

“[Ryan] thinks we ditched you last night.”

“You did ditch me.” She laughed a little.

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, just call him.”

Alice couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Ryan had to be the sweetest person on the planet and besides, it had all worked out. “So you’re just not going to apologize?” she joked.

“Are you going to apologize?” Feenie shot back.

“For what?”

“For fucking leaving.”

(Ah, there it was.)

(Damn it.)

“Um, well, not to be petty, but you left me first.”

“We went upstairs. You actually left the party. That is not the same thing.” She looked Alice right in the eyes. “I’m not going to apologize for having sex with my boyfriend when you fucking jumped ship the first chance you got because you couldn’t stand being alone for thirty minutes. Miss me with that bullshit.”

WOW

dude she was ASSAULTED and could have been RAPED you do not get to be like that lmao it was unsafe for her to be there alone

so much for feenie being the good egg

chapter 18:

so she’s telling takumi about the fight and feenie and ryan and:

“Tell me about them. What do you like most?”

“Ryan is the literal light of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as considerate and driven as him. He’s all-around amazing. And Feenie, well, she’s my oldest friend and soulmate. Her word, not mine, but I believe it,” Alice said before laughing at a random memory that popped into her head. “When we were little, people used to call us Ebony and Ivory, which is kind of offensive now that I’m thinking about it.”

“But she’s dating Ryan? And you’re okay with that?” The back end of her taco fell onto her plate with a small bit of it landing on her shirt. Takumi passed her some napkins.

“Oh, it’s not like a romantic kind of soulmate,” she said, dabbing her shirt. “Feenie’s pretty hardcore, but she has her sentimental moments. Once she said if reincarnation were real, we’d meet each other in every single life because nothing can keep us apart. We’re meant to be.”

He looked confused. “If you’re soulmates, aren’t you supposed to be in love with each other? That’s how it works.”

“I suppose it could be romantic or whatever, but she has Ryan. They’re meant to be right now, but we’re meant to be forever, if that makes sense.”

He finished chewing before saying, “Not really.”

Oh Boy

omg aw he offered to let her crash at his place for a bit until it blows over

“I never lived with my best friends, but I know what it’s like when they start dating and suddenly, everything feels like them versus you and they’re all you have. You don’t have to slink around feeling terrible. If you need space, I have space.”

She wanted to kiss his cheek.

Kiss. His. Cheek.

alice is so gone. i have only liked someone enough to voluntarily kiss their cheek one (1) time. it’s a rare feeling. i guess she cheek kisses more than i do tho. she platonically cheek-kisses!

hahahahaha and so since he’s babysitting his nieces that evening guess who gets roped into it! i would probably literally kiss a stranger on the cheek before i willingly interacted with their children alone

chapter 19:

while crashed out at takumi’s alice looks at one of his photography albums:

Near the end of the album, it happened: Takumi and the girl kissing.

“Wow, you’re real fond of that whole kissing thing.”

“And you’re not?”

“I don’t dislike kissing.” Alice closed that album and picked another. “I also don’t take pictures of myself while doing it.”

alice u liar u hate kissing

haha look at her fishing around to see if it’s safe tho

“So,” Alice began, drawing out the word, “kissing is important to you?”

“Honestly expressing my feelings is important to me.” He flipped a page. There were several pictures of a bonfire at night. A Southeast-Asian guy with dewy brown skin was wrapped in a red blanket, laughing in one photo. “Sometimes that means kissing. Or spending three days editing photos and videos together for my brother. Or letting a girl I just met stay in my house and look through my pictures because she’s scared to go home.”

i cannot BELIEVE he is being so smooth when she is literally going thru pics of him & his ex...also like How Candid honestly

“I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out. Like, my feelings and sorting through my thoughts. I don’t think I overthink, but I like to know why things are the way they are for me and why they’re different for someone else.”

“I think everyone does that.”

“No, they don’t. At least, I don’t think they do. Not the way I do it,” she said. “So. Like. If I ask you something and it seems strange, I’m not being weird, I’m trying to understand.”

ACE MOOD like i said it’s a contemplative existence

chapter 20:

aw man alice went back to therapy after all just to talk about feenie and ryan (theyre still not speaking)

it’s not a v long chapter but anyways

chapter 21:

Ryan caved first.

THANK GOD

Feenie took longer to come around. No one mentioned anything, let alone apologized. Her simply consisted of asking Alice if Family Night for that week could be on Thursday. When she had learned Alice had been hiding at Takumi’s, she curiously had nothing to say, no questions to ask, no teasing jokes to make Alice squirm.

yikes

yk tho for real feenie is a really well written character...like alice, you want to like her, but part of you also wonder if the relation has played its course, which is heartbreaking. nice job 10/10

anyway she and ryan are hanging out and takumi called her from a bar for a ride lol he’s hammered 

and ryan like...really really tried to get her to not leave again and she kissed him on the cheek again? and before i was like, aw, cute, how platonic! and now i am Wary of both ryan and feenie. like is he emotionally cheating on feenie with her...is that a thing...i don’t like it

OH SHIT back at his house he’s gotten kind of rambly and:

“If you were dating someone, and you knew they loved you with their whole heart, had absolutely no doubts about it, could you cheat on them?”

Obviously, that question sent her mind into overdrive, connecting all the dots. A roommate who moved out suddenly. A part-time job to cover his rent. Essie telling her he’s single “now.”

Takumi had a someone.

A someone who had, apparently, cheated on him.

hhhhholy shit

“Me personally?” she asked finally. “No. I mean, it’s highly unlikely.”

Cheating on someone was one of those things she was destined to never understand. Choosing to not have sex with someone else didn’t seem like that hard of a concept to grasp, and yet she had comforted more than one person who had been cheated on.

you should NOT have to be ace to understand this shit why are people Like this

So he told her.

All of it.

Everything Alice did and didn’t want to know.

Takumi and his ex-girlfriend and former almost-wife, Rena, had started dating in college when they were nineteen. And it just … worked. They had gone to the same college, lived together for two years, and then earlier this year, she cheated on him. She had always been a social butterfly (his words) and an innocent flirt (her words), but when it came to some guy named Thad (Alice’s words: “Really? That’s his name?”), that innocence fluttered. Except it wasn’t only Thad. She cheated again with someone else. And once more for good measure before they broke up.

They began talking again a few weeks ago, very tentative (his words). Tomorrow night, they were supposed to have dinner to talk about being friends again and possiblyseeing if that could lead somewhere back to being together, but he had seen her kissing some guy downtown earlier. Which was why he was so drunk. He realized that even though she might have missed him (her words), she didn’t really want to be with him anymore (his words).

Y I K E S

ohhh man this is so sweet though like he asked her for relationship advice and she totally fumbled through it because of limited experience but she honest-to-god tried her best

chapter 22:

lol alice’s mom called and is on her ass about being a lawyer again...alice was like gimme 3 weeks to come up w/ a new plan bc i cant deal w/ being a lawyer im proud of her

oh shit it’s feenie backstory time

“Marie called me yesterday.” Marie—Feenie’s mom. “She worked whatever connections she has and had my case for fighting that dude in the bar last year thrown out. Apparently, that gave her the right to interrogate me. She wanted to know when I was going back to school, why I was wasting my life, why I was embarrassing her like this.” Feenie exhaled. “I want to have a family with Ryan because that’s what’s right for me. I don’t get how me wanting to get knocked up and be a housewife affects her. She doesn’t want me to have kids, so she’s never going to see them. Even if I die, she will never see them.”

Alice knew that. She’d known it for years.

In elementary school, when they were told to be doctors and astronauts and firefighters, Feenie stood up and said she wanted to be a mom. Back then, her favorite game had been House. Feenie was always the stay-at-home mom, while Alice was the working mom, and they had seven stuffed-animal children. Feenie did all the cooking, cleaning, and made sure Alice had her newspaper when she got home from work.

She wanted to be everything Marie hadn’t been for her even then.

Their relationship ultimately died when Marie wished Feenie had never been born. She said Feenie ruined all the plans she’d had for herself.

ohhhhh honey ))): okay some of my waryness has abated no wonder she’s like that

oh nevermind feenie immediately bit her head off when she mentioned takumi feenie sucks

chapter 23:

movie night with takumi and alice!! not much to copypasta but this near the end:

She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready to share. I don’t want to tell you.”

It was his turn to fix her hood. (He knew not to touch her hair.) “Okay,” he said. “You don’t ever have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

But part of her did want to. Her secret shouldn’t even have been one—it should have been a nonissue. Why couldn’t being asexual just be accepted?

Why did she have to spend the rest of her life coming out over and over and over…? And once she did, would people always expect her to talk about it? It would always be a huge deal, she would always be subjected to questions, and she would always have to defend herself.

Would it ever stop feeling like A Thing, a barrier, between her and everyone else?

LITERALLY! god what a mood

chapter 24:

also short, but when alice spotted feenie shopping for wedding dresses and offered to come along we had this exchange:

Feenie clicked her tongue. “Sure you can pry yourself away from Takumi long enough to spend time with me?”

Alice sighed and stood up. Feenie didn’t stop her.

ok look 1. feenie was so disappointed they didnt bang and now this?? 2. she gets to ditch alice at the party to be with her BF but alice doesn’t get to date anyone?? wow

chapter 25:

i could have honestly pasted the entire thing because it’s so goddamn cute and i can’t pick a favorite part but the tl;dr is that takumi is sick and alice went over to take care of him and he kept talking about how great she was in a slightly fever-addled way

wait no i can paste my least favorite part:

“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in two days, but he called in sick on Saturday.”

Ryan twirled the screwdriver between his fingers, focused. “Are you sure he’s actually sick?”

“It’s either that or he’s packing and needed some time off.” Alice shrugged. “He already signed the lease for his new place.”

“Maybe he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ryan’s face was so open, so honest. It always told the truth before he was ready to speak.

(Basically, he couldn’t lie to save his life.)

“I just think it’s funny that you talk to him and see him every day and all of a sudden he disappears and doesn’t tell you why. I mean, you’re guessing he’s sick or packing. You don’t actually know.”

WHY are they being like this with her wow they are HORRIBLE best friends

also, theyre getting married in 6 months vs two years suddenly. feenie moved up the date :/

chapter 26:

ALICE AND FEENIE AND RYAN ARE FINALLY HAVING IT OUT:

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“You two spend a lot of time together without me.”

“That’s different. We’re engaged.”

“So I’m just supposed to sit around and wait for you both to remember I exist?”

“Of course not, but you shouldn’t edge us out. You’re the one making it as if it has to be him or us.”

“How am I doing that? And why is this all my fault? Why do you two have a Get Out of Ditching Alice pass that I’m supposed to accept because you say so? How is that fair to me?”

“We don’t ditch you,” Ryan said.

“You do. You have for years. I just don’t say anything because I don’t want us to fight, but the second I find an actual friend on my own, you two act like this. Neither of you said anything when I spent time with Margot. Why is Takumi suddenly different?”

shit dude! she’s right! and then feenie enters:

“Maybe we minded then and didn’t say anything either.”

Alice whipped around at the sound of Feenie’s voice. Feenie leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed.

“Maybe,” she continued, “we were really hurt, but you were too busy being happy to notice. Just like right now.”

An enraged fierceness made the edges of Alice’s vision turn red. She balled her hands into fists. “I wouldn’t even have met Margot if you hadn’t decided to move in with Ryan at the last minute. The millisecond you two started dating, he came first. You started to choose him over me every single time.” She turned that rage on Ryan. “And you have always chosen her over me.” Her phone buzzed. “Takumi’s outside.” She slung her purse strap over her shoulder while marching for the door.

man this is fucking sad i hope they make this better somehow :/

anyway she goes to hang out w/ takumi and 

“You wound me, madam.” He clutched his chest, wincing. “Especially since it’s your fault. It’s hard not to have an ego when you’ve told me you love my beautiful face.”

“Shut it.”

“How beautiful are we talking here? What’s my code?”

She groaned. “Not this again.”

OMG IS SHE GONNA TELL HIM...i’m on the edge of my seat here

“Tell me and I’ll bake you cookies when I’m not sick.”

“What kind of cookies?” she asked, leaning back into his arms. “And you have to use real flour. None of that ultra-buckwheat high-fiber stuff.”

“Oatmeal chocolate chip?”

“Deal.” She stared at the ceiling. “Black. I’d like two dozen cookies, please.”

just shrieked

“Black? I thought the Cutie Code was Green to Red.”

“It is. Was.” The gears and wheels turning inside Alice’s head locked into place as realization sank in. Meeting Takumi had challenged everything she thought she knew about herself, made her work to find out who she was on a fundamental level. He challenged her in the best way possible, wholly unaware of the effect he had on her, pushing her so far out of her comfort zone she had to question everything. She had discovered, no, was still discovering, who she was now, who she wanted to be, what she could and could not handle. He had given her a reason to reconnect with herself.

Feenie had been right—this, he, would always be someone she would want to remember.

“You exceeded my Cutie Code,” she said. “You’re the reason why I retired it. I don’t need it anymore.”

NOOOOO she should keep her cutie code! don’t throw it away fro some boy! even a great boy! it’s too good!

“I need to tell you something.” She took a step back. “Like, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it because I need to tell you this first.”

O H S H I T HERE IT COMES

i know this is probably a happy book and he’ll accept her but i’m still so stressed out

“So you know how some people like jogging?”

“I’m one of those people, so yes.”

“Ah, yeah, okay. That worked out.” Her breathy laugh sounded forced. “So, you see, I am not one of those people. I don’t care about jogging.”

“Mmm…” He squinted at her for a moment. “Somehow, I knew that.”

“Oh, great. Good. This is going well.” Her hands began to shake. She pressed her fingers to her lips to steel herself before continuing. “Now take the word jogging and replace it with sex.”

“You don’t like sex?”

(Wow, he asked that fast.)

“No.” She held up her hand. “No, the correct sentence is I don’t care about sex.” She took a deep breath and held it. “Because I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”

HTAT’S A GREAT ANALOGY

that’s much better than my “i’m the way gay guys feel about girls and the way gay girls feel about guys all at the same time”

“Huh,” he said, face neutral. “I thought you were bisexual.”

“I am. Minus the sexual.” She waited, watching him process through her answer. She waited for the judgment, the questions, the confusion, the thoughtful concern followed by the inevitable interruptions. Second by second, it dawned on her that she waited in vain because he was waiting for her. “My sexuality is nope.” She laughed with relief because still, second by second, he continued to wait, to listen. So she laughed again, tiny bubbles of happy that floated out of her.

HES LISTENING TO HER I LOVE THIS NOBODY ELSE BOTHERED BUT HE’S LISTENING

“How many people have you told?”

“Explicitly? You’re number four. Feenie, Ryan, and a counselor I’m seeing.”

Takumi started to speak but closed his mouth and stood up straight, focusing on the counter. Each second he didn’t look at her made tiny seeds of dread bloom in the depths of her soul. “That’s why you’re happy,” he mumbled. He nodded as if he couldn’t stop and sighed before looking at her again. His eyes had taken on a glossy, reddened tint.

“Thank you for trusting me. Realizing that, um,” Takumi said, pausing for a moment, “that hit me kind of hard.”

“What do you mean?” Alice asked quietly.

“Four. Obviously, you’ve been keeping this a secret for a reason.”

She hadn’t been thinking about trust when she told him. Ryan and Feenie had been there when she figured it out (thank God). Dr. Burris had to pry it out of her, didn’t he? And she still couldn’t say the word properly to him. Telling Takumi had been a choice—not by chance or out of necessity. It was her decision, completely on her own.

(She trusted him.)

htis fucking book hasnt made me cry in like a dozen chapters and i thought the heavy shit was over but nooooooo

and like lol i keep saying this text is calling me out...not to get personal, Again, but literally u realize stuff about urself when you read shit like this...i always play like i’m so comfortable with everything but the truth is i put ace on my profile and let other people google it and it has nothing to do with me i never see it--i dont think i’ve ever told ANYBODY irl so like...tbh i couldn’t get it out as well as she did i bet like you go alice

“I wasn’t trying to have sex with you the other night,” he said. “And I am so, so sorry if I made you feel that way.”

He was so close and so far away, as if there was an imaginary pane of glass between them. She wanted him to hug her and make the tension go away.

“No, I didn’t think that at all. That’s not why I told you.”

“This should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway, partly because I want to, but also because I think you need to hear it. If knowing you’re asexual makes someone see you differently, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. My feelings for you are exactly the same as they were an hour ago. This doesn’t change anything between us.”

HEYYYYYYYYYY YEAH!!!!! i’m so happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!! if anybody ever said anything like this to me i’d die on the spot!!!!!!!! YOU GO ALICE

gotta break this post here bc it’s getting long again, hopefully i can finish the rest of the book before dawn & in the next one