#they wonder why movies have sucked so bad in recent years and WHERE IS THE VIOLENCE???? THE PASSION??????

[we-keep-odd-hours]

oh please IMAGINE the bitching from Severen and Diamondback when the Hayes Code took over the pictures.

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Gorgeous

kai parker x reader (both 18+!) (shy!virgin!kai)

summary: troubled by his own body, kai's afraid to go all the way with you. that is, until you confess you love him regardless of the way he looks, giving him just the confidence he's needed all along.

tags: friends to lovers, kissing, minor fingering, shy!kai, mentions of child abuse / physical abuse [I can't just write a normal fic, can I?], implied s3lf h4rm, emotional hurt / comfort, confessions, making out, blow jobs, virgin!kai, top / bottom switching, reader is a little freaky, nipple sucking, pet names, aftercare, cuddling

word count: 5.5k

a/n: sooooo... this has been sitting in my wips for over a year. for some reason, i just never posted it. but unfortunately, i have work tomorrow, so i'll be dead as a doornail that evening, and the work i wanted to post isn't done yet, so i'll post this in the meantime. that being said, i think i'm finally starting to get back in the swing of things. i'm still working on requests as well as other stuff, but i'm coming back slowly!

also, if this idea is totally unusual, that's probably why it sat in my drafts for a year. it's a year old fluffy smut with a strange premise. bare with me. 😅

The minute you get back from work, you collapse onto the nearest chair and groan.

“You okay there?”

Looking up, you see Jo and her boyfriend on the couch watching a movie. Oops.

“Sorry. Yeah. Long day. Where is everyone?”

“Our dads went to the flooding company people to try and get that situation covered, and our moms took the kids to the park.”

“My brother too?”

“Your brother, but not mine.”

“Cool,” you give the girl a thumbs up. “Hey Cody.”

Jo’s boyfriend looks over at you, “hey, Y/N.”

“Alright, I’m gonna go shower.”

“Okay!”

You make your way up the stairs slowly, wondering where Kai is. Poking your head in his room, you see he’s not in there, but you don’t hear him anywhere else. Oh well. You’ll find him after your shower, because you really, really need that shower. 

In your room - also the Parker’s guest room - you grab a new set of clothes and your hairbrush, before going into the guest bathroom in the hallway. See, you and the Parkers are neighbors and have become close family friends. Though one night after a really bad storm, your basement flooded, as did several other houses nearby. This is a problem Mr. Parker could easily fix with magic, but considering the electric and flooding companies know your house was one of the ones affected, he can’t do anything without revealing his coven. Instead, your family temporarily moved in with his until the county could fix the issue.

It’s been two weeks, no progress. But you’re not complaining; you get to spend more time with Kai - your best friend who you’ve recently started dating in secret. 

As you’re busy undressing and getting the water ready, you don’t hear Kai come in from outside. The boy stands in the kitchen, staring at nothing in particular.

“Is everyone still out?” He hesitantly asks Jo.

“Yeah. But Y/N came home.”

“Oh. Where is she?”

“Mhm, went upstairs.” Then she snaps her fingers, “oh wait! She said she’s taking a shower. So don’t bother her. Just go to your room and wait for her to come out. Don’t be weird.”

Kai scrunches his nose. As if he’d ever make you uncomfortable on purpose. “Okay, thanks.”

Quietly, he makes his way upstairs. When he hears the water running, he bites his lip. Don’t be weird, Jo had just said. But she doesn’t know how close you two actually are. Swallowing hard, he slowly turns the knob to the bathroom door, trying not to alert Jo to which door he’s opening. Inside, the hot water steams up the mirrors, making it hard to see, but he can vaguely point out your figure through the glass. 

“Y/N?”

You hear him and pop your head out of the door, “Kai! Hi. Come in,” you gesture for him to enter all the way.

He does, then shuts the door just as quietly. “I don’t mean to bug you, I just wanted to make sure you were here. Jo said you were, but…” he shrugs.

“You’re not bugging. Come on, join me.”

“What?”

“In here.”

“But… I’m wearing jeans.”

“Well then take them off, you goof.”

“I-I… um.”

Deciding to give him privacy, you stick your head back in the shower and rinse out the shampoo. The whole time you’re finishing your shower routine, you assume Kai’s going to join you at any time. You haven’t gone that far in your relationship yet, but he is a teenage boy, and he does love kissing you every chance he gets.

You two have done more than kissing, of course, but just haven’t gone all the way. And there’s plenty of reasons for that: too many people in this damn house, someone might walk in, someone might overhear, etc. etc. etc. But aside from the obvious reasons, you can’t help but feel like there’s also reasons that Kai isn’t sharing. 

He likes to spend a lot of your time together practically worshipping your body. His lips and fingers have touched nearly every part of you, but he isn’t too keen on letting you do the same. 

Kai holds you in place with a hand on your neck. His lips are attached right below, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. His other hand’s busy farther down - two fingers pumping in and out of you quickly. You bite your lip hard to not moan as you cum on his hands. He continues to finger fuck you through your orgasm, not letting up until your body stills. Then, he tastes one finger before putting the second in your mouth. You suck on it, eyes trained on him the whole time. 

“My turn. Let me make you feel good, Kai.”

“You are. I like watching you like this.”

“No, I know. But I want to taste you, too. Let me blow you.”

Kai bites his lip as if he’s having an internal debate. “Isn’t this so much better, though?” Before you can say anything else, he kisses you, feeling his hands up and down the sides of your body as he does. “Now let me cuddle you, m’kay? Let me take care of you.”

You’re too overwhelmed in pleasure to fight, and succumb to his open arms. Minutes later, you’re both asleep. 

You don’t pry if he tells you ‘no’ the first time, but of course, you can’t help but wonder why he’s never let you even see his body. 

“Take your shirt off, why am I the only one exposed?” You joke, pulling at the hem.

“Hmph, no, baby, I’m too focused on you,” he says. 

Every time. He won’t even take his bracelets off, let alone any of his clothes. Again, you don’t push him - he’ll take that step when he’s ready - but you really want to pleasure him the same way he does you. And besides, he just has to be hot under there; his face is insanely attractive, arms are strong, and figure is lean. You’re dying to know. 

“Y/N?” His voice snaps you from your thoughts.

“Mhm?”

“I, um, actually nevermind.”

“You okay, angel?”

“Yeah, just…”

Done with your shower, you turn off the water and grab your towel. You would just go out nude despite him there, but you know the air will be cold, so you wrap the blue cloth around your body. “Well now I’m done.” Carefully, you open the door and step off the slippery floor.

In front of you, Kai is standing awkwardly. His jeans are still on, but his shirt is off and folded neatly on the bathroom counter. You gulp the minute you see his body for the first time. As you expected, he’s lean and rather well-toned for someone not allowed out of his house much. His arms have some muscle to them, and you can see several prominent veins close to the surface of his skin. What catches your eye most, however, is the sharp v-line shaping his hips, leading to somewhere still hidden from your sight. “Fuck,” you mutter under your breath.

Kai swallows hard. His eyes are red. You don’t notice the signs of discomfort, though, until a small sigh escapes his lips. 

You narrow your eyes when you hear him. “What's wrong, pumpkin?” Hurrying towards him, you cup the sides of his face. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I hate it.”

“Hate what?”

“Hate my body.”

“What do you mean? You’re gorgeous, Kai.”

“All the ew, all the stupid… everything.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t see anything ‘ew’.”

“Look closer.”

“Are you sure? If you’re uncomfortable, I won’t.”

“Just do it.”

Nervous, you step back to look at him closer. “Oh,” you mutter, suddenly saddened. Discolored skin in shades of green, yellow, and purple. Bruises, new and old. Handprints, whip marks, slaps from an open palm, all fading from red. Then there are the cuts, up and down his arms, some on his stomach, some on his shoulders. Clearly self-inflicted, though the bruises were all clearly marks of abuse. 

“Now you see how ugly I really am.”

“No, no, Kai…” Gently, you run a finger across a row of evidential abuse. He flinches a little and you can’t help the tear that falls from your eyes. “You’re still gorgeous, baby.”

“Hm,” he mutters, shaking his head ‘no’.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay. I promise. You are still beautiful to me. And I still want you, I still want every inch of your body. You don’t have to hide from me. Hey, I have some, too.”

You peel the towel away a bit to expose several cuts along your upper arm. 

He sniffs, “those weren’t there the other day.”

“I know, baby. But yesterday was really hard with my dad, and this was the only way I could think of to cope.”

Kai remembers yesterday. Your dad had forced you to go out with him to visit different universities in the area. By the time you both got back, he was fuming and you were holding back tears. 

“He got pissed at me when I said I didn’t want to go to college. He asked me why I was the family failure, and why I couldn’t be more like him.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay, now that I’m back beside you.”

“He’s a dick. Your brother’s a dick.”

“My point is, Kai, that we have a lot of the same scars. You don’t think I’m any less beautiful because of them, so why should you think that about yourself?”

“Because I also have bruises from my fucking dad.”

“That’s not your fault, baby. Your dad is an even bigger dick than mine. And just because you have wounds on your body from his hand doesn’t mean I don’t love you or your body any less.”

Kai freezes, “you love me?”

You then freeze, too. “I, um…” Then you realize that that confession may be exactly what he needs to hear. “Yes. I do love you, Kai.”

Tears that were welling in his eyes are now falling, “why?”

“Why? Why not? Because on top of being absolutely gorgeous, you’re an amazing friend and boyfriend. You’re sweet and gentle and trying your best despite the awful circumstances you’ve been given. You’re always there through the good and bad, and I could never get tired of being with you.”

“Can I admit that I love you, too?”

You smile and nod happily before leaning in quickly to kiss him. Amidst your excitement, your towel falls from your body, and your breasts rub up against his bare chest. Kai lets out a moan at the contact, but then separates from the kiss to cover his mouth with his hand. You just raise your eyebrows at him. 

“Feel good?”

Instead of answering, his hands find your breasts and feel them. His eyes roll back in his head. “So soft,” he mutters.

“Kai?”

“Hm?”

“Does this mean I can see you now?”

“Um, I, n- uh-” he stutters over every word. 

“You know what? It’s okay. Later?”

“Okay.”

“Sounds good. And I hate to say it, but we have to stop,” you pause to pull on your panties and jeans, “because Jo will start getting suspicious soon,” you have to ignore Kai’s pouting face as you put on your bra, “and she doesn’t need to see us like this, because she’ll tell your dad.” Your shirt is on next, “and then my dad. And then you’ll get hurt.” He watches you pull your hair out from under your shirt and flip it to curl around your face, “and you’re not getting hurt on my watch. Okay?”

Kai nods, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, pumpkin.” You two share another kiss before leaving the bathroom. Kai grabs his shirt on the way out, fumbling to put it on, along with his multiple bracelets. “Downstairs? I need some water.”

“Sure.”

The minute you reach the last step, Jo calls out to you, “did Kai find you?”

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“Okay. He came in a little bit after you went up. I told him you were in the shower, but not to bother you. He listened to me, right?”

“He didn’t bother me at all. Was very gentlemanly and waited in his room for me to come out.” You wink at Kai as you lie straight to Jo’s turned face. Luckily, she’s fixated on the movie. 

“Okay, good.”

“I’m just going to get a drink and then we’ll be out of your hair shortly.”

◇◇◇◇

“Y/N, are you sure you don’t want to come with us? It’s a huge festival, it’s a lot of fun,” Mr. Parker asks one more time as he’s halfway out the door. 

You take another glance at the amount of people crowding the doorway: your brother and parents, plus Kai’s parents and all his siblings. Minus him, of course. “I’m sure. I’m not too big on crowds, and I’m kinda tired. Might just see if Kai wants to watch a movie.”

“Okay, but be careful.” Then, Mr. Parker leans closer to whisper in your ear. The gray hairs of his beard lightly touch your skin, making you shiver in fear. “And don’t get too close to him.”

“Noted.”

“We should be back around three-ish, more or less,” your Dad adds. 

“Okay.”

“Don’t leave the house, and certainly don’t let him sneak out,” Mr. Parker piggy-backs off your dad’s comment. Jeez, it’s like they’re long-lost irritating brothers.

“I won’t. He’ll stay here with me.”

“But not too close, becau-”

“I heard it the first time, Dad. I trust Kai enough that we’ll be fine for a couple of hours. Go have fun, okay?” You had to downplay your friendship to make them think you only trusted him a little. If they knew the truth - that you’d trust him with your life - they’d definitely stage an intervention and never let you see each other again. 

“Okay, just making sure. See you later, Y/N.”

“Bye.”

Finally, they leave. It takes ten minutes for nine kids to assemble between two cars, between the Parkers’ van and your parents’ SUV, but they eventually make it work. You can literally hear two kids crying over “having to sit in the back again”, but then you hear your Dad’s voice, “ride with me, if it’s okay with your Dad.” The crying ceases at last, and the cars pull out of the gate. 

“Are they gone yet?” Kai comes downstairs about a minute after they left.

“Just pulled out. What were you doing?”

He swallows, “um.” While struggling to answer, you give him a look. “I’m used to hiding during the van-packing process.”

“Okay,” you answer, not entirely convinced. 

He bites his lip, “okay, that part is true. I do hide when they do that because sometimes someone storms back in to grab something to appease the ones stuck in the back, like a snack or whatever. But, um, what I was actually doing was… trying to,” he pauses, and you let him find the words, “build up the courage to, um… can I just kiss you?”

You’re confused, but you’ll never deny him a kiss. Smile forming on your lips, you close the three foot gap between you two, hands tracing his jawline, capturing his face, while kissing him softly. His hands find your waist, gripping your hips. There’s something different about this kiss than your usual ones. Something more hungry… willing, maybe. Whatever it is, you let him take charge. 

As soon as the shift in control changes, he spins the both of you around so that you’re pressed into the counter, rather than himself, while he kisses you deeper. His lips leave your mouth to trail down your jaw, to your neck, but then he suddenly stops to look up at you. 

“Everything okay?”

“Can we go upstairs?”

“Of course.” You joke, “afraid someone’s gonna walk in?”

He misses your teasing tone and replies bluntly, “no, I wanna fuck you.”

You nearly trip up the first stair, causing you to grab a tight hold of his hand. “What’d you say?”

“Is that okay?”

“I-uh-um- yes, just caught me off guard. What brought it on?”

“You said you loved me. And that you liked my body even with all the scars. And that if I can love yours with scars, you can love mine.”

“I did say that. I meant every word.”

“And so now we’re here alone, and I’m going to act on something I’ve wanted to do a long time ago.” 

You reach the top of the stairs. He has an arm around your back to prevent you from falling, just in case, as he stares into your eyes for hesitancy. You give none. “Then do it.”

Instantly, your back collides with the hallway wall and he kisses you with the same tenacity he did downstairs. Out of habit, your hands find his hair; his, your waist, but he’s a lot more confident now. Slowly, he inches the both of you towards his door. His hand fumbles with the knob, making him frustrated.

“Wish I could just open the stupid thing with magic.”

“If I had magic, I’d let you take it whenever,” you answer, again, with no hesitancy. 

He stops to stare at you. “You would?”

“Mhm. I mean it, Kai, I love you.”

“But the siphoning hurts.”

You shrug, “can’t hurt that bad. I imagine it’d probably actually feel good. At least for me, maybe not other people. Send little tingles all the way down to my-”

He cuts you off with an open mouthed kiss. “Now I really wish you had magic.”

“-and then a part of me would kinda be in your blood, too, right?” You finish the second part of what you wanted to say. 

“Holy fuck, you’re turning me on.”

“Open the door, Kai,” you urge. 

He finally does, but in the second you take to catch a breath, he’s back on you. He takes advantage of your state and slips his tongue in your mouth, no regard for anything but his and your pleasures. You go weak in his arms and let him explore, enjoying the feeling much more than you probably should. Then, he taps on your hips signaling for you to jump. You do, wrapping your legs around his waist. He carries you to the bed, finally, and throws you down rather roughly.

Immediately, panic takes over his face. “Shit, that was way harder than I meant to! You okay?”

You, on the other hand, can’t get a word out because you’re giggling too hard. 

“Y/N, are you okay?” He tries again.

“You’re so hot when you’re all dominant. Well, you’re always hot, but-” and then you continue to giggle. 

Kai relaxes, realizing he didn’t hurt you. “Oh you little-” he climbs on top of you until he’s hovering over your face. Legs tangle together, bodies close but not close enough… You buck your hips. There, now they’re close enough. “You’ve been wanting this,” he observes, fighting back a moan at the contact. 

“Yes, but also, your comfort is my number one priority. It’s much better now, with you enjoying it too, than if we were to try when you weren’t ready.”

“Thank you, princess,” he kisses your nose sweetly. 

“Thank you for trusting me. One thing though.”

“Mhm?”

“Do you trust me right now?”

“Of course.”

“Good.” Without further warning, you grab his wrists and flip him over so that his back is pressed into the bed. It’s the first time you’ve ever been on top of him, and the power makes you giddy. 

“I thought you liked me being dominant?”

“Oh, I do. But I also want to see you writhe under me,” you wink at him. 

Kai gives you a look, and you know he’s going to start fighting any minute now. It’s in his eyes, and you can feel his muscles under you tensing to build up the strength. In the last second before you think he’s going to try and take charge, your hand goes down to the outline forming in his jeans. All fight is immediately gone as soon as you start to feel him. He can’t even fight the moan he’s been holding back since you started making out downstairs. The sound spurs you on and you rub him harder.

“More, princess. Please.”

You move your legs to straddle him, hands going to his belt. “This okay?”

“Mhm.”

“Words, please.”

“What am I, five?”

You cock your head at him. “Words, or no further touching.”

“Princess,” he tries to buck his hips like you did, but you’re holding him down.

“Come on, Malachai.”

“Don’t use that name.”

“Mala-”

“Fine! Yes, please. It’s okay. Please.” You smirk, not expecting the begging, but loving it. “You little sadist.”

That only makes you love it more. Not wasting another second, your hands are undoing his belt. As much as you want to take it slowly, you’re both too excited to drag it out any longer. Besides, just by looking at him, you can see how hard he is, and you know you’re almost soaking your panties with wetness. 

“Wait,” he pants. 

You stop immediately. “You okay?”

“I need… I need. C’mere,” he beckons you forward, and you listen. “Need this off,” he pulls off your shirt. “And this,” next is your bra. The minute it’s off, he loses control and grabs your tits like he did in the bathroom a couple days earlier. Before you know it, he’s fondling one while the other’s in his mouth. 

“If mine is, this is coming off, too.” You make a grab for his shirt. He pauses, tongue still around your nipple. “Is that okay?”

“Yes,” he seems to decide in that instant. 

In order for you to pull the fabric over his head, he has to disconnect his mouth from your breast. But when it’s off, he swallows hard and doesn’t reach for them again.

“Kai… c’mon, pumpkin.” You take his hand to put it back on your body, trying to return that sense of comfort, but he doesn’t grasp your breast again. Sighing, you take it as a moment to get a closer look at his body. The bruises, the scars, everything. A tear escapes your eye, and you lean down to press a kiss to one of the purplish wounds. Then, you start to do that with all of them. From his neck to his hips, you kiss every mark made on his body, whether by his dad’s hand or his own. On the fresher ones, your lips are more gentle, barely there, not wanting to cause him more pain. But on the older ones, you leave multiple kisses, or even lick them with your tongue before kissing. “I meant it, Kai. You’re gorgeous. These marks don’t stop me from loving you.”

Slowly, he makes eye contact with you again. His hands reach out to your face, and when he gets a hold of you, he pulls you in for another deep kiss on his lips. “What did I do to deserve you?” He asks with a tear emerging.

“You don’t have to deserve love, baby.” You kiss his collarbone. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Your lips travel to his chest. Giving him a taste of his own medicine, you swirl your tongue around one of his nipples. He moans loudly, arching his back.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know that would feel that good.”

“Can I continue to make you feel things like that?”

“Yes, please. I need it, I need you. Wait, but let me-” he suddenly sticks two fingers into your wet heat, hovering over his own body, and pops them in his mouth. “You taste so good.”

“Are you gonna let me taste you now?”

“Sure. Yes. I meant yes.”

Your eyes warm and you continue to kiss him further down - this time, trailing his v-line. You had noticed the prominent indents the other day, but are now getting to see it up close. He moans again, enticing you more. 

“Princess.”

“I’m working on it.” Finally, you shrug his jeans down and off his body. You can tell he’s fighting the urge to hide his now-bare legs, but you opt to not pay attention to them anyway. Your gaze goes straight to the bulge in his boxers that looks even thicker without his jeans in the way. Mouth watering, you touch him first, enjoying the feeling. 

“Y/N, please. It’s uncomfortable. Too tight.”

Succumbing to his wishes, you tap his hips for him to lift them, then peel back the final confinement. His cock springs out, slapping his stomach in the process. You’re quick to lean forward and lick a stripe from the base to the tip. Kai sinks his head into the pillow, groaning huskily. After pulling his boxers all the way off, you refocus your attention back to the length in front of you. 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” you mutter. The praise makes him twitch, and you immediately reach out to grasp him between two of your fingers. “Need to taste.” And then you finally do. You start at the tip, rolling your tongue over the slit counter clockwise, stimulating precum in the process. Some of it leaks into your mouth, straight down your throat, but most of it drips down the side of cock. It doesn’t get far, though, before you move your head to catch it, licking your way from the base to the tip, again. 

A shiver runs through his body. “Feels so good.” Barely audible, but you hear him. 

Positioning your head over him, you prepare to take him fully. To you, it’s a five second break of deep breaths, but to Kai, overwhelmed in pleasure, there’s almost no warning. As soon as you’re ready, you sink your mouth down on him until you get about halfway and your gag reflex kicks in. Cock hitting the back of your throat, you gag around him.

“Y/N, you okay?” He sits up on his elbows, worried he’d accidentally hurt you.

Slowly, you lift your head back up, “I’m good, baby. Just training my throat to take you.”

He swallows so hard that you see his Adam’s apple bob. “Oh, um…” He doesn’t lay back down, opting to watch you instead. 

You don’t mind as you go down for a second time, getting further now. You do it several times, taking more and more of him each time. Your tongue swirls around his length and traces his veins. In fact, there’s one vein in particular that especially makes Kai moan every time you hit it. It’s on the underside of his cock, and you start to pay special attention to it. The rest of his length sits against your face as you focus on it.

Kai doesn’t know if the sight or the feeling is affecting him more. Either way, he feels himself getting close to release. Your mouth is around him, head bobbing up and down rapidly, when he twitches. He whines, resisting the urge to hold your head where he wants. Suddenly, though, you stop and remove your mouth completely. 

“Fuck, wait, I’m about to…”

“I know, pumpkin. Can’t let you do that yet.”

He’s about to ask why, but then sees his answer. In one quick motion, you’re removing your own pants and lining your bodies together. “Ready?”

“Mhm. Yes.”

You smile, grab his cock to hold it upright, then sink your heat down onto him. Kai collapses, elbows no longer supporting him, as pleasure consumes him.

“You okay?”

“Yes, oh- oh god.”

“Can I move? I’ll start slow.”

“Please.”

As promised, you slowly begin to ride his length. Your hands rest on either side of his body and lips are pressed to his chest, leaving hot kisses all over his skin. 

“Let me know if you want to try and take over.”

“Okay.”

When Kai starts to relax, you pick up the pace. Not too fast, but little by little. Soon, his hands find your hips and he helps guide you. His fingers have a tight grip on you, but it only makes you wetter. 

“I think, I wanna… wanna try…”

“Want to be on top, angel?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. You can just flip us or I can move, what are you feeling?” But the hungry look in his eyes already gives you your answer.

As soon as you nod and grab onto his shoulders, he flips the both of you so that you’re now pressed into the bed. With his usual role re-established, so does his dominance. You open your legs wider to give him more access, and he immediately takes advantage of it. With a lick of his lips, he pushes his cock into you, not stopping until he’s run out of length. 

“Oh my god,” you mutter. 

“Is it too much?”

“No, you’re perfect. Move when you’re ready, mmkay?”

He nods, then copies the way you rode him when he begins to move: arms on your side, head ducked into your chest. His lips attach to your nipples, sucking, and pulling them between his teeth. When he gets a hold of his balance, you feel pressure on your clit, too. 

“Fuck, Kai. You’re so good.”

His body jolts, “say it again.”

“What?”

“Name. Say it again.”

“Kai,” you pant as he quickens pace.

“No one else is home baby, say it louder.”

You had forgotten this fact, actually, but the minute he reminds you, you let yourself go. “Fuck,” you moan, rather loudly, “feels so good, Kai! Fuck. Harder.”

He spreads your legs wider and thrusts harder upon request. Obscene sounds fill the room, mixed with your moans and whimpers.

“Kai,” you pant, “need to hear you, too.”

“I’d rather hear you, Princess.”

“Aw, come on, gorgeous. Nothing turns me on more than men moaning,” you admit. “Need to hear you.”

Previously held-back grunts and groans tumble from his mouth at your confession. When his lips return to your nipple, he makes sure to keep up with your request, sending vibrations throughout your body. 

“I’m close, Kai. So close, so close… don’t stop what you’re doing.”

“I’m getting there, too,” he twitches again. “Come for me, Princess.”

As soon as he asks, your orgasm rips through your body. Loud moans follow, and your eyes roll back in your head. Kai rides you through yours, before pulling out and immediately releasing all over your face and chest. Some drips off your shoulders, down to the bedsheets.

The minute he catches his breath, a worried expression takes over his face, “I’m sorry! I knew I shouldn’t do it inside you, but wasn’t sure where else to. I aimed for your chest and misfired.”

You make direct eye contact with him, then swipe a bunch off your cheek with your finger before sucking it off. “Oh, I’ll never complain about a facial.” You dart your tongue out to the side to gather more. “And don’t worry, I kinda like the taste. How the hell were you a virgin, Kai?! You were amazing the whole way through!”

He blushes, “um, thank you.”

You can’t help but giggle. Only Kai would be sweet enough to thank you for complimenting his sexual ability. Your ex-boyfriend, to whom you had lost your virginity, threw you an, “I know,” when you told him he was good. This little fact just made you love Kai even more. 

Then, as if he couldn’t get more perfect, his next words are, “can I clean you up now, Princess? And then we can cuddle and nap?”

“Of course. Give me a kiss first.”

Kai leans forward and kisses you sweetly. His tongue sweeps over your bottom lip, wetting it gently. 

“Blood,” he comments.

“Hm?”

“There’s blood on your lip.”

You run your own tongue along it, “must’ve bit it in pleasure.”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” He pulls on a loose pair of sweatpants from his drawer, giving you a wink. 

“Okay, darling.”

Two minutes later, Kai returns with a warm rag and a water bottle. First, he cleans the small sore and any remaining blood off your lip, then hands you the bottle. “Drink,” he insists. As you do, he moves the rag over your face and down your neck and chest, cleaning off his drying cum. He rubs your lower body next, easing some of the soreness as well as wiping away your cum. “Anywhere else?”

“No, I’m okay. Do you need anything?”

“Just you,” he sappily replies. 

“Okay, come here then.” Arms wide open, you gather him up and pull him close. You take a hand away for a split-second to pull the blankets over you two, earning a whine before he realizes what you’re doing. As soon as your arm is back around him, he snuggles into your body. “I love you, Kai,” you whisper with your lips against his cheek.

“I love you, too, Princess. Thank you for making me feel like I’m worth something to someone.” 

As much as his words sadden you, they also make you feel warm inside. You’re the one that makes him feel that way, and that’s pretty fucking special. 

“Always, my sweetheart.” You give him a kiss to the cheek, keeping your lips there even afterwards. His heartbeat slows into a comfortable rhythm and breathing evens out, and soon, he’s fast asleep in your arms. 

[ilovescaredysquirrel2]

Someone PLEASE make an English Dub of Buratino's Return (obscure Russian movie)

Okay, so I heard about this Russian cartoon animated movie recently, and it's got this Wild Thorberries-Rugrats-ish art style and the songs slap! The one that's gotten really popular was the one with the singing Barbie dolls, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2CSmp02Emk in this video here (turn the captions on). I heard the name of the movie is actually Возвращение Буратино which translates to Buratino's Return apparently. It looks amazing! I love talking toy themed movies that are NOT Toy Story. It doesn't look as amazing as Raggedy Ann & Andy Musical Adventure but it looks good enough to watch and enjoy. The thing is, the subtitles on the original Russian movie, the English subtitles SUCK! I got them saying weird things like "Oh yeah Obama" when she was apologizing to the other doll, and apparently the dog's name translates to "Potatoes" which... is actually kinda cute not gonna lie! If the movie gets dubbed, they should keep it!

Yeah, so the whole "dubs vs subs" thing is ridiculous. Dubs are obviously way easier to watch and understand. If you're hearing impaired and need subtitles, that's one thing but if you're not and you want to watch a movie, it's way easier to watch a dub. Plus, subtitles aren't always accurate and sometimes make things sound more awkward. Like, the dubbed versions often make more sense. Plus, subtitles go fast and you can't always pay attention to little details if you're watching it with subtitles, it's too distracting. I wholeheartedly believe that dubs are better all the way! If you don't speak English or Russian, maybe it can be dubbed in your language too! There needs to be a Spanish dub, French dub, Japanese dub, whatever language you might speak! The only language I speak is English, so that's why I'm trying to get someone to make an English dub. By the way, the English captions for the Мой Портрет - Трафарет video were an exact translation, I feel like the dub would change it up.

My friend wondered about the songs being ruined in the dub, which I would be worried about too, but they could hire a translator and songwriter to work together and make the lyrics make sense but also rhyme. Even if it was a fan dub, they could still get enough permission and help to make it a good dub without ruining the songs.

Another thing, let's talk about this not being popular in Russia, where it was made. I mean, it came out in 2013, the same year as Disney's Frozen! It didn't stand a freaking chance in theaters! Frozen literally took the world by storm... a snowstorm, that is! (haha, funny joke). Plus, a lot of non-English spoken movies don't get an English dub until years later. 2013 was 11 years ago, but who said it's too late for an English dub. Especially, now that the Barbie doll stencil song is becoming popular online. I also haven't actually seen the full movie, I just skimmed through it on YouTube to get a grip of what it's about and apparently it's about talking toys but they have to escape from a bad guy who wants to destroy them and turn them into the same "evil" toys to create a bad future of children. I also found out that apparently Buratino is Pinocchio and I like the idea of a non-Disney Pinocchio movie, because Pinocchio has been around for like 150 years, way before Disney made it into a creepy a** animated movie and they shouldn't take copyright of Pinocchio. There's also that other Russian movie "Pinocchio a True Story" where Pauly Shore voices Pinocchio and Tom Kenny voiced Geppetto. Also, this movie Buratino's Return was animated in 2D form, when a lot of early 2010s movies were 3D. I'm not sure how that effected the marketing and who wanted to see it but I'm almost sure that a lot of people were more hyped about Frozen or other popular movies.

Here's something else I found, apparently it was also based off "The Adventures of Buratino" which is a really old story, and I think this 2013 movie kind of looks like a creative twist on that story, kind of like what Disney does, but also kind of makes fun of Disney as well. Basically it looks like they're basing a story off old fairytales Pinocchio and The Adventures of Buratino, just as Disney does, except they're changing the things about Disney that isn't woke and making fun of the things that are wrong with Disney. I know a lot of you probably hate it when I talk crap about Disney, but I always give my side of how I feel and let you have your side. With enough convincing and understanding, hopefully we can understand both sides!

Anyway, feel free to chat with me about this in the comments! I'm always happy to hear opinions, even if they're different from mine. SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS!

[lunarsilkscreen]

If you're confused about the situation...

Ok. The final piece has fallen into place in my mind for the whole thing. And this particular post is for a certain core group of followers that may be a little flustered still.

There's a few pieces of information that happened approximately 8 years ago; I cannot reveal the finer details to this because of sensitive information concerning... Things. And/or Stuff.

Use your imagination, you might be able to fill in that blank.

Anyways... My records at that time show contact with certain agencies. Which... Well ...

Despite that; I don't remember it. Which probably means it didn't happen; probably.

When the agencies contacted me at the end of my enlistment and afterwards; they had an expectation that I understood certain policy, protocols, and procedures that I was not privy to.

They were also wondering why I didn't return contact as well; they figured it out tho I think.

Approximately 8 years ago is the first time I saw the movie [Baby Driver] With Kevin Spacy.

They had an expectation that I had 1-2 years of training in those three-letter protocols when I had definitely not. I can't tell if that was because some procedure was overlooked at the beginning of my enlistment.

It's likely that *I* was Classified. Like; my existence was classified. That's where my understanding ends; because the only reason I can think of is that some Intelligence Score was fudged to not be higher than basically every other person who ever took the ASVAB (Armed Service Vocational Aptitude Battery) test; and routinely ... Every now and again... Certain "Agents" would inject statements so that I could hear them whenever I brought certain statements that were definitely altered in the name of National Security.

*Deep Breaths Melin*

This shit is wild yo .

Basically; they had an expectation that I would have already been trained on certain things... But... Certain things were lost to the Aether without accountability.

I think they later noticed the mishap... Made a report... And then; Figured that I would be able to figure things out *eventually*.

I think they also thought it was more beneficial for national security that they reduce the exact amount of information and procedural training that made it into my purview; because they had a worry I could use certain things to my advantage.

That's fine with me; I'm lazy; that's far too much effort for so minimal of reward.

Some of you had tried to contact me during my year of Twitch and YouTube streaming; and your employers probably denied the request and you couldn't figure out why that was; or you couldn't otherwise contact me directly due to what seemed like random interference.

So I just learned what that was, that's why I brought it up. Literally 1984... Yeah, Gubment's fault.

Some of you have been Inducted in a similar fashion to the way I am; So, yeah, that's just what it looks like; It's incredibly stressful and potentially life-threatening.

You should be fine though; there's usually a [Shadow] somewhere. They were quite amused at my ability to sniff out my shadows and start arguments with them.

Gotta have an outlet for that Anxiety you know.

Just find something worth doing while you're stuck in Limbo; it REALLY sucks. And you're just waiting and sitting with the anxiety of whatever the situation is.

Like Navy Seals int training sent nude into freezing cold waters in the coldest part of the year. But, not quite that bad maybe.

A few celebrities have said "You literally appeared from nowhere and sucked us all into your orbit. Where did we come from? Where did *you* come from? Nobody does that."

Uhh... My only answer to that is because I had developed my celebrity during a period of time I was being trained to keep my personal and military secrets secret.

So most of my Celebrity is tied to Melin Shoot; who didn't exist IRL until recently.

When I started streaming; I pulled from my fan base; which created a thing in the *normal* celebrity worlds who weren't privy to me or my uhh "friends ..?"

What do you call a friend who is your friend by virtue of celebrity? Cohort? Comrade? Who the fuck is this rando?

And on top of that, due to me filling in a niche that was missing in Twitch and YouTube; and referencing all the *really good* internet celebrities and a little help from... Comrades..?

Welcome to whatever agency that enrolled you during that [event] Don't thank me; You earned your spot or you wouldn't be there.

Raiders. We did it. We cleared the Floor.

Ready for the next one?

[mitochondriaandbunnies]

Miami Vice S1E14: Golden Triangle, Part 1

A rash of violence against sex workers raises Castillo's suspicions.

And we learn that Castillo is... I don't know? A martial arts wizard?? We'll later learn he is also a fucking samurai, but this is really the first "let's give Castillo depth" episode, and they really fucking go for it

An absolutely useless bit of trivia: some of the opening credits in this episode are in the wrong font.

This is not the Miami Vice font. It switches back to the Miami Vice font like two names later.

Love Castillo downing a cafecito from what is absolutely not a heat-safe plastic glass, and Rico and Sonny following him as he walks away like he's a beautiful girl in a bikini

Also love that Crockett's "nerd" disguise involves going over dot matrix printouts by hand by the pool. A normal vacation activity. Love less that he is just blatantly doing an entrapment.

When Sonny and Rico take Candy in, we cut to a currently-in-progress conversation in which she asks Sonny, "well, am I right or what?" Then pauses, while neither Sonny or Rico look her in the eye, but they both smile in the most hollow and awkward way possible, and then Candy nods and says, "Yeah, I'm right." I really want to know what she thinks she's right about that both Sonny and Rico basically are like 'please stop talking' about.

Candy is great-- she's very savvy about the police (and rightly does not trust them), very intense, and has no issues telling Sonny off.

Rico finds all of this hilarious.

The drug dealer who wants a safety deposit box is John Snyder, who will always be "extremely annoying Joey in the Mafia Wars arc of Wiseguy" to me, except that recently Dan and I watched an episode of Star Trek in which he was a eugenicist from the eugenicist planet. Man sure plays some roles. He's also apparently a long-time anime voice actor??

Sonny complains about the system being broken and Tubbs kind of sighs and says "the system. Want a cold one?" #1 reason Tubbs isn't as broken by the end of the show is that he comes in from day one knowing that Everything Sucks Forever, while Crockett takes it personally every single time

Alligator Nail Filing

Alligator

Nail

Filing

"We're getting too good at playing bad guys" sure is the understatement of the whole series

It's not actually clear until around the 3/4 mark that this is the first Castillo Episode, but he makes a wonderful little suspicious face when Sonny starts telling him about Szarbo-- he knows something is amiss.

There's an exchange with the cop who has been working part time as a pimp where Sonny no-true-Scotsmans him-- he states that the man isn't a "real" cop for what he's done. I think Sonny still genuinely believes this at this point in the series. He will not by the end.

Castillo finds out that one of the dead people is Thai and just absolutely flips out and is like I NEED TO SEE THE CORPSE. I get what the actual intention here is-- that Castillo has put together enough things about the case based on similarities to things that happened during his own years in Thailand-- but we don't know that yet as an audience, so it just kind of seems like Castillo is totally paranoid and thinks any deceased person of Thai descent MUST be involved in crime, which is not a good look.

I adore the sequence in which it is implied Tubbs and Castillo go to like eight Thai restaurants together, partially because I appreciate when they work together, and partially because I love seeing restaurants from bygone days.

To the tune of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

Awkward dinner naked waiter

Awkward dinner naked waiter

Awkward dinner naked waiter

Marty n' Rico having supper

It is awkward!

(but seriously why does that waiter not have a shirt)

And we learn, finally, that Castillo is a master of every martial art, as he gets in a wild action movie fist fight with the naked waiter in the parking lot. It's stupid and fantastic in equal measures, and we'll learn even more about Castillo's exciting fisticuffs adventures next time.

[lesbianboyfriend]

((i’m sending this to blogs i know are run by lesbians, feel free to delete/leave unanswered))

recently i’ve had a spiritual awakening.

despite my fluid sexuality,

my soulmate is going to be another woman.

i can only imagine waking up next to a woman for the rest of my life.

i have known this for years yet never said it out loud.

how do i get over the fear that i am “missing” something by not “trying out” men?

how do i live my life prioritizing women and the relationships we have?

please share any thoughts you may have. thank you and blessings. ✌🏼🌿

hi anon!!

okay so firstly i would like to very gently suggest that if you can only ever imagine being in a lasting relationship with a woman, your sexuality might not be as fluid as you think. you might be a lesbian.

and i knowww it can be super scary to admit that. even to yourself. it took me a while to accept it for myself BUT the thing is that accepting i’m a lesbian has made me so much happier in my skin and self….and i say this even as someone who is not “out.” just allowing yourself to live that truth even if it’s just a personal truth is so freeing and wonderful. being a lesbian is actually so fucking awesome

obviously you know yourself your feelings your sexuality best so if lesbian doesn’t fit for you that’s cool. but i think the best way to come to terms with and learn to love your identity is simply engaging with lesbianism. which doesn’t have to be dating—talk to other lesbians, read lesbian novels, watch lesbian movies, find lesbian art….allow yourself to imagine a future where you are with another woman. allow yourself to imagine a future where you are with another woman and happy.

now how to get over feeling like you’re missing something from not having relationships with men. for me this one is really easy bc i’ve never met a man who isn’t the worst fucking person on the planet. i think about every woman i know in a relationship and how she’s settled for someone who doesn’t treat her as good as she deserves, who doesn’t help around the house, who doesn’t know how to express their emotions etc…..and obviously this is a huge issue and i hope all straight and bi women with boyfriends/husbands are happy and treated well. but i also know realistically that’s not the truth and most men fucking suck. so i mostly just think about that. and if you’re not attracted to men, especially with the prevalence of misogyny, there’s really. nothing attractive about having a relationship with a man other than social capital. (NOT saying that lesbians/lesbian relationships can’t also be bad/abusive/etc.)

now i can’t really give advice on being in a romantic/sexual relationship BUT i can give advice on prioritizing women in your life in general. number one, seriously confront the misogyny you’ve ignored from your male friends and acquaintances. chances are, if you’re like me, you’ve let stuff slide because you know they “don’t really believe that” and they’re “just joking.” well that’s not true. they MIGHT think they’re just joking but realizing that misogyny in the first place is even funny to them and actually grappling with that…changes how you see them! and you can do with that information what you will. but most importantly view it as a catalyst to simply prioritize the women around you. talk to them, hang out with them, compliment them, tell them when their boyfriend is being shitty and they deserve better (but be sensitive to the situation and don’t push. let them know you support them but don’t give them cause to pull away esp. if you’re concerned about abuse but that’s an entire other convo). flirt with women, uplift them, etc….if you find yourself focusing on mostly the men in a situation or even like when watching a tv show, ask yourself why? actively look for the women in a situation and ask yourself how they are being treated, who is being prioritized, and make it your goal to treat them right and prioritize them.

and at the end of the day, remember these phrases: “he’s just a man” and “i hope jakey dies”

i hope this was in any way helpful and good luck on your journey…..loving women + being a lesbian is literally the best <3

[frostyreturns]

Frosty Ruins Glass Onion

It's a fairly recent movie so I avoided spoilers best I could but I recommend just not seeing this movie altogether because it was cancerously bad.

Now I'm not advocating we forget what happened in 2020 at all, I think we need to remember what they did to us,how retarded it was and how insane people behaved…however I don't want my entertainment to begin with reminders. This came out December of 2022 we've barely just gotten past this shit... I'm more sick of hearing about covid than I ever was from covid…so when something that's supposed to be entertainment begins with someone covering their face because a package is delivered to their door it fills me with rage and I already hate this movie. We went 2 years without a movie where everyone was wearing face masks why the fuck are we starting this horseshit now? Then for it to immediately cut to a CNN segment where the character is ranting about climate change I'd already be asking for my money back if I paid for this.

5 minutes in and we've already hit covid, climate change and feminism and I can already tell this is a Rian Johnson movie. I have no idea what's going on, who anyone is, why I'm supposed to care and the dialogue is weird and unnatural.

I get the sense the director is trying to be funny but I'm not sure because there's no actual jokes. Like there's a group of old people playing among us and the one guy is in a bath and someone asks him if he's in the bath again and he says no…get it because he is. It has the cadence and delivery of a joke but it's just nonsense.

I don't know if Batista is just the worlds shittiest actor or if Rian Johnson was just too much of a human vagina to ask him to redo a single line because there is better acting on a 90's cable access show. When he's playing a socially retarded alien its not as noticeable but when he's just playing a guy you notice how bad he sucks. Also his character is there to just be a caricature of what they call mens rights but based on how they portray him he's a caricature of just anyone who has a male audience because they don't actively shit on men and denounce masculinity. So from the acting to the heavy handed and out of place feminist strawmanning I hated this character. Makes me wonder if Rian Johnson has ever had a single miligram of testosterone in his body.

There was a moment that implies there was an easy covid cure that they only gave to a few small elites and friends. Now was this a moment of honesty masquerading as fiction from hollywood…or was it just a stupid plot device to reconcile that he decided to make the plot happen during covid without having the actors wearing masks the whole time. It really would have overshadowed everything else.Remember how insane people were about covid in 2020 and then imagine those people found out there wasa simple one dose cure...they thought thisshit was killing billions of people nobody would have given a shit about anything else. You're telling me the social media influence, the politician and the scientist just had no interest in a cure for covid in 2020. Either way Rian should have all his cameras and pens taken away from him forever.

Also what the hell happened to Edward Norton? Maybe it really is just Rian Johnson…because in this Norton sounds and looks like he's never been filmed before. I think of Edward Norton as making goofy movies he's in better and more professional, like he made the second iteration of Hulk watchable but here he looks like a lesbian they just pulled off the street, threw him into the movie and did all his lines in one take. He was terrible and when a good actor is terrible you have to look at the script and the director.

Nortons character goes on this rant about disrupting the system and calls everyone at this murder mystery thing a disrupter. A mainstream celebrity, a typical politician, a social media influencer, and a tech billionaire…these are all people he's saying disrupted the system? No these people are the system, these people are the system, getting fat on the system. He even says none of them want to disrupt the system…but then says right after that they are all disrupters of the system. It's the kind of pretentious, contradictory self congratulatory bloviating I'd expect from this douchebag directors dialogue.

The movie is so hard to watch because all the drama is contrived and irritating because none of the people are interesting or likeable. Not to mention that its a murder mystery movie where it takes an hour into the fucking thing for somebody to die and there's already been an annoying Rian Johnson "subversion of expectations" which is ironic because at this point nobody is expecting there to not be some gay twists.

This movie combines everything I hate about the director with everything I don't like about murder mysteries. They make the plots convoluted and use misdirects to keep you from guessing the outcome to the point that the outcome loses believability and it's sense of a cohesive plot. Writers go out of their way to ensure everyone is in some way a suspect and then the premise is made ridiculous. If you host a party of all your closest friends and someone tries to kill you there's no world where every single one of your closest friends is a suspect with evidence and a motive against them. It ruins my suspension of disbelief and comes across as contrived sloppy writing. Rian Johnson takes this weakness in the genre and amplifies it by a hundred because even in other genres he likes to throw reason and comprehensive writing to the wind for the sake of tricking the audience. Ironically knowing this going in I knew who the killer was going to end up being the whole time, so congrats Rian you wanted to be so unpredictible that you're predictible.

He does things like has the investigator say "only you can give me the last piece of the puzzle" right before that character is shot…but the audience is not given any of the information the character is supposed to have. The entire story is one big web of deus ex machina And delivered with the ham fist of paroxysms like a character shouting "What is reality!" after a reveal that the audience was already privy to. More wooden half asses attempts at infusing this train wreck with the semblance of comedy.

And after the reveal they somehow let the killer get close enough to destroy the only evidence they had. There's no way... they had to use a camera trick to make it more believable that someone they thought was a killer could close the gap quick enough and destroy the evidence that quickly because its just another impossible thing done for story convenience.

Also the story resolution was so stupid… nobody will testify for the murders for plot convenience but at the end they all suddenly change their mind for absolutely no reason…except that now is the time the director wants story resolution. He comes up with this convoluted way to get the murderer their just desserts but nobody thinks that they're just now casually rubbing elbows with someone they just all watched proved to be a murderer, nobody grabs a weapon nobody thinks oh they might try to kill again now that they were found out…they just carry on like they're all about to move on since they can't prove anything to the law... even though every single one is an eyewitness. Then instead of the next rational step being a violent solution nobody even thinks of it. What they did do was a crime anyway choosing to assassinate a reputation…which only might happen theoretically, just like them being found innocent in court is theoretical. Nobody behaves rationally, everything is contrived everything is stupid… this movie was fucking terrible. Rian Johnson is the worse director in the world.

0 stars

[paranormalacademia]

HUGE VENT SORRY ITS JUST ME RAMBLING READ TWS

Not to be a total loser because I knew being on birth control would make me gain weight and that sucks!!! I hate this blocky ass body where my ‘middle’ is under my ribs and not at my hips where it should be GRAAAH Not only does this house never buy food and when they do it’s a fucking loaf of bread to put in the freezer so the most I eat is like a pickle and some crackers most days if even that

I’m considering relapsing because A. I hate this busted body B. If I’m thinking about something else I won’t have these reoccurring nightmares about people I used to know that I can’t even remember the faces of [ Like what is the importance of me dreaming about the little girl I used to play with outside the apartment complex?? I know she could never hurt me nor would she but it doesn’t make it any less scary when I wake up in a cold sweat after feeling her tear into my bones in the most realistic way ] or the fucking apocalypse C. I got seasonal depression in the spring and I’ve been happening episodes in which I cannot disclose because My therapist would not condone it [ I don’t have a therapist, nor am I talking about physical self harm ]

I had like three panic attacks in a day recently which ended in my math teacher giving me a free pass on all group work things so I don’t have to do group work anymore #TeamAutism

The thing is it’s really easy to relapse right now with the alcohol under my pillow and the constant lack of food anyways and it’s really hard to be a person

I’ve tried to get back into my interests !! I’ve told Bee and Emma and A few others about Polar , The Talented Mister Ripley [ I even let one of them borrow my copy of Book 1 and when they’re done I have the others ] , Six of Crows, The Raven Cycle [ Big into this because Jaye, Navy, and The Hades Sys ( I forgot what he’s going by overall 😭 I’ve just called him Whoever’s been in front for like the past three years ) like my cosplays and we joke about it all the time , me and Navy make our own storylines and designs when we get bored ] , Phantom of the opera I only go back to when I’m manic or extremely depressed, I adore the Paranormal and bad horror movies and I really like this one specific movie about a real life conman and he’s played by that asshole Leonardo Di Caprio but it’s my favorite movie and nobody knows that I don’t remember anyone ever asking my real favorite movie before but it’s Catch Me If You Can and it’s not because it’s a good move r because it’s not really but because it’s something I watched that encapsulated my current interest at the time

It’s very hard to remember what you like when You have several different mental illnesses that cause memory loss

Sure, I’m a terrible person, whatever! But I think that the thought that I can’t feel because I’m a terrible person is very, very strange to think

I’m not a terrible person because I can’t feel or you don’t think I love you or you thought that I manipulated you the entire time just as a way to feel in control or hurt you

I don’t mind if you think that way because perspective is key, I’m not the one who was affected by my actions because I can’t even remember them no matter how hard I try - I mean, I’ve already forgotten a year ago almost completely but I am not a bad person because of my inability to feel love correctly . There are many other reasons why I can be viewed as a bad person

I’ll see someone do something and based on how someone reacts then that’s how I model myself and this isn’t entirely the best thing to do because when I grew up I was very poor and my parents fought so much that one of my earliest memory is the sound of shattering glass and me telling my baby sister about how I threw the biggest, most wonderful princess ball and someone smashed Cinderella’s slipper and that’s why glass was everywhere and she believed me

Just like how she believed me when I told her own cat fought a bear and that’s why we never saw him come around anymore or how when I told her she could sleep in my bed it was because I was about six when my hallucinations started and I thought they were real so I kept her close so she wouldn’t be murdered

Bitches be so normal and then repressed memories come back up in the form of dreams and I cannot make this up I woke up and felt hands on my thighs and inside me and I was awake, I know I was because I could see my desk light illuminating my childhood Elmo doll that was destroyed over a decade again until it was over and suddenly the hands were gone and so was the doll

The hands felt so real , I could feel the pressure and the muscles flexing as they held my thighs apart and all I could think was “There is nobody there.” But I know something happened because my legs were shaking and the hands wouldn’t stop until I curled up as tight as I could with my mask on

Musta been a punishment for something, right? I mean, people like me deserve shit like that, right? Bad people deserve bad things is what I’ve heard tons of people say

I have a very difficult relationship with sex and my body

Most sexual relationships I’ve had I’ve dissociated through whether they were coerced or not [ usually coerced because I have no ride home and I don’t want to be murdered even though we were supposed to be hanging out in fucking public ] and I suppose that’s fine if someone gets use out of this lump of flesh

It’s not fine, really

I’m not allowed to be violent either because violence makes me a worse person, even if I defend myself

Someone fed into my addictions recently

Fed me drugs and alcohol and encouraged me to steal

Got me blackout drunk and then fucking proposed to me and because the camera was on and I was stumbling around I played it up for the camera even though I was terrified and they told everyone and then took to social media to tell people what a terrible disgusting person I was, harassed me for weeks

I told someone .. I can’t remember who .. but I did and somehow that made it worse

I don’t think you should propose to people when they’re drunk and then make fun of them for how they reacted to being drunk but I laughed it off

I laugh a lot of things off

I planned to kill myself on my 18th birthday

I dont know why I didn’t, but I’m disappointed in myself for not going through with it

God, I’m going to bang my head against this wall aren’t I? Nobody really wants me unless I have something to give them

Power, entertainment, sex

I think I’ve given all of my exes one of those things because it’s what they seemed to want the most

Ace loved me, though

I stopped feeling anything romantic after her

She was beautiful

She was fat, she had long brown hair and the rosiest cheeks , her brown eyes crinkled when she grinned

I wonder why I don’t talk to her anymore

I miss Félix and Vincent

Those were her ocs that we role played together

I was Felix and she was Vincent

Felix was a werewolf who was just a little bit evil and because we were ten and eleven at the time they were kind of based off FNAF and made into their own characters

I personally didn’t care for Velix [ I forgot what the ship was called ] But I really really liked her so I’d do anything for her

She was kind to me

Why can I only love bigger bodies when it isn’t mine? That doesn’t seem fair to me

I think I’m having a panic attack or some sort of attack

I do wonder why my previous friends only used me for diagnosis’ though

Well that isn’t true, Alex also used me as a punching bag and now I have physical scars

I need those medications because I was not built to be a real person with feelings I’m Fucking autistic for Christ’s sake

At least with the medications I didn’t use every social media I could simply for the effect of having an audience

It really doesn’t matter who is watching and I don’t post for anyone but myself but if I pretend it can satiate that need to self destruct and have people watch

At most I post here because Ethan is more active on tumblr and will see my silly art or oc stuff while Anakin, Emma, Julian, etc are more active on Instagram

I Really do hate people who think mental illnesses are all quirky and fun until you don’t know how to function around people because everything is going wrong and you can’t fix it

My keyboard is getting fuzzy I should probably take that 4:45 right about now

[notebookmusical]

Hi! I hope you're having a good week and enjoyed your birthday, even if it was pretty lowkey. Honestly I always keep my birthdays that way so I know what you mean and I remember that we both said we both weren't big birthday people when we talked about it. I'm so glad you were happy with your surprise songs. That's so cool that you almost predicted it and got something you wanted. I almost did that at my show with Right where you Left Me, but it was a lot easier cuz she was trying to play each song at least once back then lol. I guess the tour has been going on for a long time and I will miss it..but she deserves a break and I'm also expecting the other rerecordings soon..so it won't be that bad. I'm expecting maybe around February, March or April, since it will be about a year since TTPD. But I've seen some people say they think a new album could be next instead. Do you have an opinion? To be honest, I always said Wonderland was one of my least fav songs lol but I still like it when I hear it sometimes. It's just one I usually forget about..but I love Alice in Wonderland too, but the song doesn't really make me think of it. I did enjoy the actual mashup though, and same with Never Grow Up and the Best Day. It made sense why she would sing it near one of the last shows as a tribute to her family and parents and it's cute that your mom was there with you.

Hmm I was wondering if it would feel that way. But I think it makes sense where it is, instead of at the end of the show..although I Can Do it could also be a fun finale. Wow you were close guessing a place in this world..aww. I felt that about the night two songs too, kinda but I guess she wanted to perform with Gracie again, and play Maroon for the last time lol. Aww I'm sorry the cameras were blocking the view..that kinda sucks but it's kinda cool to be like..I was there! I mostly think the same, and I wonder if it will be the next thing, before the rerecordings or not...but maybe early next year is my guess like end of January and rerecordings later. A doc makes sense to celebrate a tour like this so I'm excited for it too.

It's weird cuz for the Outsiders..I totally agree that I see them all as separate and I can't explain why. Like I was flipping thru the book recently cuz I couldn't remember exactly how it was in the book compared to the movie. So I was like..did they change that from the movie or was it like that in the book? Like it felt like some scenes were out of order or something so I wanted to double check that. I just can't remember since it's been a while since I saw the movie even. However when I was reading parts, I could only picture the movie and not the musical and idk why lol. I suppose cuz I'm more familiar with it, but it will be interesting to see which one you like more after reading and not being familiar. It seems like some people that saw the musical first don't enjoy the movie that much. It seems like the musical tried to stick closer to the book. I was looking thru it and in the first chapter it says ponyboy was reading Great Expectations and they turned that into his song which was pretty cool cuz I never would've remembered that. Sorry if that's a bit of a spoiler but it's an example of wondering where the songs would go. so I'm excited to see more of that from the book and compare it to the musical. I also told my sister we could actually read it since she never did. Unfortunately they didn't keep one of my favorite lines from the book exactly but it's pretty much in there in other ways. They also made some other changes but I get they couldn't fit everything. They also performed on Jimmy Kimmel this week and the performance was so good! I'm afraid you would have Outsiders overload by the time you were done though, similar to what happened with Wicked haha.

How was the Wicked book? Did you enjoy it? I've heard it's bad but hopefully or maybe I can get to it by the time the second movie comes out. Would you recommend the audiobook? I just saw it on Spotify..I always said I can't do audiobooks cuz it's hard to pay attention but maybe it would help and for my sister especially. Did you see that they named it Wicked For Good in place of the part 2 lol. I guess I like it but I'm also wondering why but it definitely could be the highlight of the next film so it makes sense. Ooh I forgot about Thank Goodness but I am excited for it cuz it's similar to No one Mourns the Wicked and it will feel similar to the beginning of the first movie. I'm also curious about what kinda songs they added in Part 2 and for who. Could it be another Glinda song..probably for Oscar chances. Apparently there are 2 new songs so what do you think the other one would be? I don't know if the movie Part 1 will win a lot of awards like for acting, and the color was disappointing but I was impressed with the sets and the costumes so maybe that will win.

Did you enjoy the Back to the Future movie and did you get to see the musical yet? To me, that one is a little easier to imagine as a musical based on the few clips of performances I've seen. The only song I know for now is Back in Time. The vibes are also pretty different and more fun I would say and I hear they do a few cool things on stage so I would be interested in that. But fun fact..the original Marty Casey Likes was also Ponyboy in the Outsiders workshop a few years ago before he decided to do Back to the Future which is odd cuz the shows are so different, but just another fun connection. He was also in Almost Famous, another movie I love that is a musical, but I never listened to that either lol. But I know it has Solea Pfeiffer which is another reason I wanted to hear it but it didn't do that good on Broadway. Maybe I will after I see this one, but otherwise I'm not that familiar with the original cast as far as comparing it to the tour. What I liked about Kimberly Akimbo is they bring some of the ensemble to the tour which was pretty cool. Anyway I think Back to the Future is actually closing by the end of this month, but it's already been on Broadway a few years I think so it's been pretty successful.

So I only did a basic plot synopsis on Floyd Collins and it doesn't seem like something that would translate into a musical lol..but I'm sure it's good. I've only heard a few songs from Light in the Piazza and know the plot of it but I think I understand the music style it's gonna be if it's similar to that. Actually I just listened to the cast recording of Days of Wine and Roses which is the same person who did the Floyd Collins musical which is a total coincidence..I had no idea until I looked yesterday. I did enjoy some of the music and Brian D'arcy James and Kelli o Hara were in it. So I'm not sure if I will end up listening to it..maybe sometime but will probably listen to the new cast recording version and hopefully there is one. I also read an article about new musicals opening in the spring and it's hard to predict what will be at the Tony's so I guess we will see. They also announced Eva is leaving Gatsby now and being replaced by Sarah Hyland so I guess they need stunt casting somewhat, but she was pretty good in Little Shop. I think I read that Eva is going back to Hadestown which I wouldn't have guessed. I also saw the new Gypsy footage which looks amazing and that it got good reviews too.

Well your replay results don't really surprise me cuz I remember it was similar to last year. I didn't know you enjoyed the 1975 that much though..which I also love, and those are all good choices. Taylor is only on my Spotify Wrapped cuz she has consistently been releasing albums for the last five years and sometimes it's two rerecordings or the length of a long album. For example, TOP only made it this year cuz they had an album and I saw them in concert this year. I guess I'm weird cuz I listen to so much different artists and new stuff that im not really listening to the same fav artists or anything the way other people do. I'm kinda surprised about the cast recordings not making it since they are long albums and I thought it would count more. That's a good point about vinyl and maybe I will start using my vinyl player more in the new year.

I've been good and don't have much planned for the rest of the year. We celebrated Christmas last weekend cuz my brother is going to Mexico so it will probably be jjust chill. I can't believe it's Christmas already and doesn't feel like it. I might see family this weekend but don't know yet. But in the past, we always worked on Christmas so it's not that big of a deal. I'm hoping to see Hamilton but that's only if I get picked for lottery now since it's all sold out. I did end up listening to the Warriors album and enjoyed it but I probably won't see the Mufasa movie. I have two concerts in February now since I was able to get Zayn tickets last week, and Soccer Mommy. I might go to Back to the Future and some like it Hot musicals as well. I'll also try to finish some books I was in the middle of by the end of the year lol but I haven't really thought of resolutions or anything yet, even if they usually stay the same. But I hope you have a lovely Christmas and New Year's if I don't talk to you again. As always, there's no pressure to reply and I hope you're doing well!

gooood morning 🩷 anon!!! i hope you're having a good week! do you consider weeks starting on monday or sunday? i used to think of weeks starting on sunday, but ever since i started hobonichi-ing, i've had to rewire my brain so that i think of weeks as starting on monday!

as a heads up, it may take me a little longer to reply to asks in the next few weeks — my best friend is visiting from australia! or i'll be replying in record time, who knows!

i'm honestly quite relieved that eras is over, although i will definitely miss it too! i think that given the success of tortured poets, it'll be some time until we see another new album — maybe a rerecording in a few months? i've been thinking of doing a full relisten of her discography, maybe an album or two a day? i was going to say i'd try to squeeze them all in before my friend comes but some of these albums are long 😭 and i do not know if i can commit myself to that.

guess what guess what!! i do not know if you saw my bat signal but i finally read the outsiders!! jamie wants to watch the movie with me, so it'll be at least a month before i can watch the movie and then i can watch a bootleg of it! woohoo! we're getting closer! that being said, i do think spacing it out a bit will help with fatigue, which is good!

i did actually really enjoy the wicked book! there's a lot that's different and i think it really helped me in thinking of the musical, and movie (and book obviously) as separate things. i think there were some things i was like, shocked to know they didn't keep, and i'd love to know more about the process of adapting wicked as a musical. just because it is quite different. and i do recommend the audiobook! i had to train my brain to like audiobooks but i really do love them — they work best for me while i'm doing something else (cleaning, crafting, walking the dog, playing a game, etc) and i really had to experiment with speed (some audiobook narrators are SUPER slow, some are too fast, etc). i really liked the choreo and costumes in the movie! and i'm so excited to have my heart ripped out with the "for good" bit!

back to the future... whew. i have many mixed thoughts about it, but i did think it was a phenomenal adaptation of the movie in the sense that it picks out all the bits that everyone loves, it felt very 1:1, etc. as a musical... i didn't quite enjoy it as much as i wanted to, i left not really remembering a single song (which is ... kind of important for a musical). i was talking to my friend will (who saw it in the west end) before i saw it, and he said it was kind of like a ride and more like an experience than a show, and at intermission i sent him a text and was like. you are entirely correct. you know those rides at universal or disney, like soarin or the simpsons ride? that's what it felt like. mixed with like, a musical? at one point i was like oh this show feels very tailored to like, theme parks and cruise ships. like it is an ... experience. and i knew going in that this was a "very loud show" and brought my loops but it was still ... far too loud WITH them in, which is saying something i think. my friend that i went with got slightly motion sick from the screens at the beginning, and the flashing lights/the way the lights were in general did give me a migraine, so i'd give anyone going to it a heads up for those things! our tour marty is actually from our state! and more specifically, my neighborhood, which is so fun haha. i thought he was fine! i really liked the guy who plays george mcfly, and thought he would be a great pomatter in like fifteen years — then went and looked at his headshot and was like oh it's giving the outsiders haha. i've also been meaning to give almost famous a listen! maybe in the new year!

i did see the hadestown casting! and i am sad for the west end current cast because their contracts are getting cut short to my understanding, but am super super excited for andre and patrick and amber to return to hadestown. and am glad their performances are getting preserved/filmed ���� i've been listening to the west end recording a lot, and have been very charmed by dónal's orpheus. he's still no damon but still very charming to me!

i do like the 1975! i haven't listened to them as much but apparently (according to apple music) they were my most listened artist in both january and february, and so i think that's why they made it on there? i didn't listen to as much music this year! and yes, i think it's very easy for taylor to be on a wrapped/replay list because she has SO many songs and even though it doesn't feel like you're listening to her for that long ... some of her albums are like two hours long haha.

how was your christmas? 🤍 oh my gosh i'm so happy for you with zayn tickets — i hope you have the best time!!! i think i'm going to do some "25 in 2025" lists but that's about as far as i've got for resolutions and goals! have not given it too much thought (and need to)!!! hope you're doing well 🤍 !! happy new year if i don't talk to you before it!

[the-firebird69]

degree is kind of upsetting ticonderoga was lost to the British and JC and Mary were taking pay with those battles too and they were saying about other stuff we're gonna make our money on them dying because they suck so bad. They sort of got the idea and they kind of inspired things to happen that would cause it and it's not a huge shock that people talk that way. That's just gross there's areiskinny New York it was a quick one that already happened a lot of people died it's northern New York and it was partially about the Pseudo Empire and there was a big stash in cash there that the max accessed and you guys miss it every time you're a bunch of ****. Bennington Vermont was recent August 16th also about the Pseudo Empire and the pseudo empire start to lose up there that was a big battle and it's a whole bunch of troops and some big stuff came out we think it will go on to October of a bit after maybe towards the end of October after they come and retake the place and then lose it again. Saratoga is very big that's a Freeman's farm that's gonna be where they remove a lot of Arnie's stuff and you can tell what stuff it is by the name of the battle or location if it was their area vermont is Michael 2 and Pennsylvania is Mack Daddy that's Brandywine September 11 that is a big deal it is about money and the proper of the Mac Proper more shortly

Thor Freya

i see it. the money goes to dc and comes out when the money will be issued somehow and no it comes out somehow you mvoe it here. and you sisiue it and i get it but they are the ones tking it from the stashes and caches in vt and ny upstate and i have aresas there we fight over and fought. and it is in my posessoin. so i ck the prior battles like bunker hill. nd have some indicators it was tamperd wiht and see it. now we puoll money put it there. and they tke it. makes sense and put it here mb. where we wonder. or is it in key bank. we ck. then youi use it on the card hmm. they sy he uses it by hand and no comes ehre. so we see.

trump nd we issue the money and the ss and he uses it and it is our code. but thier money and has happpened. both do it and tey know our code is hwy need rub fire smoke or no mirrors. and good we do see it

we do see youg et it a lot yes Zues he does a bit. kinda slow

thinks its all him we see why

lol

macs

and no not funhy. but okw edo this possbly...and who then takes the money from there to here.

trump

just it isnt it. dave a and carroll a had you move it. as they do now

and not him to his brother not that hard you saw it

macs

and your code, mac proper, and we do it. but we wont i say.

trump

we saw it no. we do get it

macs

This year we've been saying it's in correlation to 1775 and other years but it's hard to tell every year it is in correlation to prior years and future years all year long and it's by the month every day has two or three events believe it or not sometimes mostly it does and there's smaller events and you're running some sort of huge theatrical performance you're not aware of now some of you know but you don't know what year matches with what year. And her son says this guy has been getting killed a lot it's too much for nothing to be going on. Information has been told about the pyramids Bunker Hill sitting on one the timing for this to happen this year would be correct however it might be right for it to happen next year and discover things are put in there but Bunker Hill would have been investigated when the pyramids are looked into. My son says the last three lines with our daughter and I admit that they have not looked at these pyramids that much and that's a clue. They start looking at it after national treasure the movie goes and some other items it will kick into gear 1775 which will correlate with 2025 and it is an incredible event. In the early spring Paul Revere does his ride and the stand in is Trump and it's not a ghostly ride and it's on the horse and for real there's a reenactment and people think it's a reenactment but he is all of a sudden overpowered by fear because he sees it's happening and he goes to the North Church and he says the signals real and he's got code and he puts it up and does it a few times and people started moving and it started to work and they got in a fight it was Mack proper no it's a pseudo empire at this time and they checked it out and they did see Mac proper coming in and the wars and battles are with pseudo empire and with the Mac Proper is not necessarily true back in the day they would hire mercenaries to wear actual British uniforms which were slightly different and you can see that they're different they have a different color coat underneath and our son thinks it's green and it is so we are a little bit ahead but there are massive events happening and they are changing things so he still receives pay at about the same time but is a fraction of what he will receive in the future but nothing is not planned it's going to be something but if you look at the dates you know 1775 but no he was hired earlier george Washington was appointed commander in chief next year supposedly but he was in the military for like 20 years he had trouble but he was there and getting pay that might explain Social Security but at the time he was getting better pay and they give him actual stipends and you have to read about George WA.

we can tell you he ws paid erlier than net year and by the continental army not yet fully formalized. and bja does it a lot yes

Thor Freya

Olympus

Zues Hera

[numnumcrumbs]

Entry#3 08/01

Currently getting over first crush and gosh it feels like death ´༎ຶ ͜ʖ ༎ຶ ` and just goes to show I still very much have an anxious attachment style and need to continue my journey for self love..

I haven’t had a genuine crush on someone in years and recently had started talking to a guy. It was great we had a lot in common and would text almost everyday.. first date was fabulous we grabbed food walked around for a bit then got coffee as well overall it was an amazing 4hrs spent together(at least in my opinion) The next day radio silence.. day turns into two, which turns into week.. during that time I did feel hurt and confused trying to understand where I went wrong.. he did tell me previously that he suffered from depression and would sometimes just go MIA so I tried to tell myself that was the case and he was needing a moment to himself.. after 2 weeks of not hearing from him I was ready to give up. Then of course out the blue he messages me apologizing stating that it was in fact him being down.. I told him that I understood that next time if he could just reach out and tell me if he needed space so I’m not left with anxiety n confusion. Which he agreed he wouldn’t do again..

We go back to talking everyday as if nothing happened, which was fine I enjoy talking to him it was nice to talk about my interests with him and flirting in between (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) I was getting ready to go out of town and wanted to see him once before I left. So we planned for me to come over to his place and he’d make dinner while we watch movies. Once again I had such a fun time, food was delicious, we sang karaoke to Hazbin Hotel soundtrack, watched Spirited Away, it was just really nice. At the end we did kiss if I’m being honest it did feel a lil awkward (^_^;) but that wasn’t really a deal breaker for me. I thought “eh that can always be worked on” at the end of the night he dropped me off and we kissed goodbye. I told him that I hope to hear from him and that he doesn’t go ghost on me again. He giggled n said if he does I know where he lives..

The next day I’m getting ready to fly out and text him when I’m at the airport/when I landed. No response I thought “ok maybe he’s busy” and then a day goes by which I tried to rationalize with myself thinking that he doesn’t want to bother me while I’m on my trip.. during my trip I am under the influence so I’m highly emotional. I knew he dipped on me again and it sucked bad. For a moment I thought “maybe he’s just down again” so I send a message just saying “hope ur ok 🥺” radio FREAKING silence (˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ ) at this point I give up and just tell myself to enjoy the trip(which I do it was so much fun)..

Once back home still no word from him but I can see he’s still been active on his socials the entire time. I’m hurt.. sad.. just confused all over again. Why not just tell me ur not feeling me.. I mean yes that would also hurt but not as bad as this. Now I’m left thinking what’s wrong with me or “damn was the kiss really that bad lol”

Although I still feel a lil down about the whole situation I decided to let it be.. I was gon send a decently length message explaining my hurt feelings but ik that is pointless and that he doesn’t care. I know now I still idealize a whole relationship with someone before actually knowing that someone. I think I’m more upset that I have to let the dream die.. but all and all I’m happy I can still have these types of feelings for someone.. that in itself was a wonderful experience (灬 ω 灬)

[mangooolassi]

Expression of Inner Feelings

When i was younger I always noticed why some adults have little to nothing when it comes to compassion or when something exciting news comes and they just give a bland response. I always thought to myself "why do they act that way?? This is amazing" It baffles me and in my innocences I always vow to grow up and not be like them (i didnt)

But I grew to understand that (maybe but this is also my personal take) sometimes i feel this overwhelming feeling in me and the adrenaline to express it but I also feel underwhelmed when it finally gets to that point where I want too. I don't know if this is just a me thing or if this is just something most people go through.

Take this example, i see a captivating view or even something small like diving deep into a series and discovering ester eggs to better understand it yet I feel like Ive lost my capability to "geek out" and like ponder on it. all that sense of wonder that filled me 2 seconds ago died when I wanna talk about it.

I just noticed this changes in me when recently I was rewatching Dune with my partner and he was asking me questions about it and if we should watch Dune part 2. Internally I was excited at the fact that he would be interested because I wasn't sure if he was into the movie or not. He tried talking to me about it and something my old self would do is to geek out about these stuff especially to someone who means alot but I just said "watch some YouTube to understand it more" and sent a couple of links

I know ?? Its so rude but also I couldn't bring myself to be excited about it on the outside. And I feel really bad as a partner to be doing or even acting like that. I feel like I lost alot of spark, alot of things people would know me off just isn't me anymore and while I allow growth to exist this seems like the opposite of growth.

With that being said, I feel like I know what I should improve in myself this year moving forward. And realising this is really an eye opener for myself. You always wanna be a better you especially so you can reflect back and see that you did something great and you had a bomb personality.

I know I talk alot about how adulthood has wrecked me but I feel like it also brought a lot of closure and realisation that you cannot continue to be the shit person you are forever. Life happens so what ? Suck it up and make lemonade 😂

[therealkags]

hey!! so i highkey got addicted to sigl (and ikte when it was the only thing out) even though every chapter been making me cry n shi. so. i was js wondering. do you have an estimate for when things are gonna get happy for pidge?? because this angst is takin a toll on me but i cant stop reading 😭😭

ok this is gonna be a long-winded answer but pls bear with me LOL

sometimes i find myself wondering that for my own self. like tmi but it’s always felt like something awful happens, i spend a few months getting over/through it, and then the second i feel like im doing better something else awful will happen.

recently i’ve kinda come to the realization that there is no “end” to it. there is no specific point where you suddenly become happy. life is chaos. it’s a hodgepodge of every emotion one can feel- the good, the bad, and everything in between.

i could wake up with a headache, spill my coffee, and have a panic attack in the morning, but end up getting a good grade back, eating a really nice dinner, and laughing for an hour on the phone with my best friend before the day is over. was the day good or bad?

neither.

it simply was.

at this point in SDIGL, there’s a barrage of horrible, awful things going on. and part of that’s to show that honestly, it doesn’t matter if you’re sixteen years old and at war, or if you’re just sixteen. sometimes, life fucking sucks.

i promise it’ll calm down, and things will be nice again. then it’ll get worse, then better, then worse again. that’s how life is.

and if you walk around, constantly looking towards the future, hoping and waiting for the day you’re finally “happy”- it’ll never come.

because happiness comes in the small moments. when your friend tells a joke that makes you choke on your drink. when you watch a movie and it ends up being comically bad. when you check the time at 4:20. when you’re home alone and sing in the shower at the top of your lungs.

that’s what happiness is. it’s not a destination. it’s a feeling. and yes, it can be fleeting. but that’s why we need to sit in it and be thankful for it when it comes, instead of hoping and praying for it to stay.

that was a lot lol i hope you can understand where i’m coming from with this and why it may seem like things are all doom and gloom in SDIGL. it’s because sometimes it can seem like life is all doom and gloom. that’s why you need to look closely for those little moments that make you exhale loudly from your nose, and remember them.

(also thank u for the praise lol i’m so so glad u like my writing it rlly means a lot :))

[drearymiddle]

To boldly go where many blogs have gone before: A Star Trek series analysis (Part 1)

Originally written by Mr_Turnabout on 20 February 2020 over on the old Dreary Middle website. This was the only article we ever published so we thought it would be nice to preserve it as a reminder of what once was, so enjoy!

I have seen many Sci-Fi shows, but there is something special about Star Trek that makes it stand out among the rest.

Yes, Star Trek is quite the franchise. Spanning currently 7 different series, 13 movies and hundreds of episodes, you can't complain about lack of content. I feel recently Star Trek has had a weirdly negative wrap to it. I know that sounds weird defending one of the most profitable franchises in the history of Television and one of the Father's of Sci-Fi, but hear me out.

I think that people have forgotten how great Star Trek truly is, there is this misconception that it's just a silly Sci-Fi show for nerds and....while yes that may be true it is also so much more than that. Star Trek is an incredibly well written franchise, containing some of the best episodes of a series I have ever seen, even managing to hold up against the best shows that we have today. Writing wise a lot of Star Trek has aged like a fine wine, managing to still be relevant despite some series being decades old.

Now is Star Trek perfect? No, at the worst of times you question how some episodes can even be from the same show from how awful and flat out stupid some of the episodes are. The next generation has an episode where a character has sex with a ghost. Deep Space Nine had an episode where the crew get sucked into a game board, while one of the main cast has to play the game that has them trapped. Enterprise famously has a finale that is considered one of the worst episodes in the franchise. It's stuff like this that makes me black out for 45 minutes and makes me wonder if what I was watching was even real, that being said this is the minority of the franchise and is in no way a representation of the franchise.

Now with me gushing over this franchise you would think that I grew up with it or something right? Well that's where you'd be wrong as it turns out, I myself avoided Star Trek for so long because of its representation, I thought it was the typical Sci-Fi show that didn't age all that well, quite like classic Doctor Who....or modern Doctor Who, anyway I didn't truly give Star Trek series a chance till I was 19 and even by then I was reluctant to try it out, but when I started with The next Generation, I was hooked. This post will be talking about what I like about each individual series as well as the order I watched them in, now I will like to preface that I have not seen all of Star Trek, heck many hardcore fans would say I'm not very far at all. I have finished The next generation (twice), 5 seasons of Deep Space Nine, 4 seasons of Voyager, 8 out of 10 of the original Star Trek movies, the 3 Kelvin timeline movies, the first and last episodes of Enterprise, about 2 episodes of the original series, 4 episodes of Picard and none of discovery, so this post is definitely subject to change and may require a follow up. Regardless I have at least seen enough to tell you why it is great and that you should see it if you haven't.

The Star Trek movies are a mixed bag, but when they're good they're really good.

My first real exposure to Star Trek as a whole was from a little underground YouTuber called 'The Nostalgia Critic' (irony fully intended), he was doing a marathon of the "bad" Star Trek films and my little 14 year old self, laughed and slapped his thighs together at this funny man making comments about how silly these movies were, but it had the unintentional effect of actually getting me interested in the films. My friend in secondary school was a big Trekkie (or is it Trekker?) and I asked him if I could borrow some of those films on DVD, before streaming services were the norm we had to watch our films in physical form kids. So I marathoned those films and at the time I thought some were great and some were really bad, so let's go over the quality of each one real quick.

I. The Motion Picture: Beautiful looking movie, but really boring. Great at introducing you to the main cast of the original series, especially for someone like me who has never seen it. Decent start 6/10.

II. The Wrath of Khan: One of the best Sci-Fi movies ever, tells an excellent story about one of Kirk's old enemies coming back for revenge and a very powerful ending. 9/10.

III. The search for Spock: Not a bad effort here, but it suffers from being in between two of the best movies in the franchise. Kind of undoes the ending of Wrath of Khan in quite a strange way but overall still pretty fun. 6/10.

IV. The Voyage Home: Excellent time travel story that's one of the more fun entries in the series, it's just great to see these characters go back to the past (to play those s* games that suck ass) and interact with people from the 80's. 8/10.

V. The Final Frontier: What does God need with a starship? 3/10.

VI. The Undiscovered Country: Great sendoff for the original cast, great villain introduced in this one too. 8/10.

VII. Generations: The proceeding movies goes on to ruin said great sendoff and instead shows Picard looking at an old photo album and having a little cry. 4/10.

VIII. First Contact: Very fun Sci-Fi movie, weird characterisation for Picard in this one but overall I like the horror atmosphere of this one and that soundtrack is fantastic. 7/10.

If you want my ranking personally I would rank them II > IV> VI > VIII > I > III > VII > V

And what about those characters? Well I'll go into the next generation cast later but the Original series cast are all very fun to watch and have great chemistry. It's no wonder that Captain Kirk and Spock became cultural icons, they are always great on screen together and characters like Bones is one of the funniest characters in the series for his more down to earth characterisation compared to the rest of the cast, these characters aren't particularly deep or anything but they are well written and I would recommend the movies for someone's first exposure to the series, it worked for me.

So what about those Kelvin timeline films?

Shortly after checking out those original movies, I went on to watch the Kelvin timeline movies as at the time into Darkness was on it's way out in 2013, so I thought I may as well check out the 2009 one. Here's the thing I don't think these movies are bad, in fact I find them rather enjoyable, not so much with into Darkness, but the other two are pretty good summer action movies. The characters are, again quite likable, being a reboot of the original series they captured elements of the original characters well, while putting a little twist on them. Captain Kirk was known for being a ladies man in the OG series so now we get to see him actually have THE sex I've heard so much about on the big screen, when I first saw this my eyes bugged out of my head in a cartoon like style, that's for sure.

Into darkness unfortunately has the issue with remaking an all time classic so it was going to suffer as a result, I don't think Cumberbatch captured the more spite filled performance of Ricardo Montalbán's take on the character of Khan and it reeked of "You know this right? Remember this?" That being said the other two films I do enjoy, they are more action packed than your average Star Trek and are filled with Lens flare for some reason, but I would check them out if I were you, they're enjoyable romps, but if you don't like them you didn't hear it from me.

The Next Generation is as good as your mother says it is.

When I said the Kelvin Timeline movies were my next introduction to the series, I meant it. I didn't touch a Star Trek series at all until the year of 2016, after I had saw Beyond in cinema. I felt like it was time to check it out, if I enjoyed the movies, surely, I could enjoy the series that they spawned from, right? Well to say that the Next Generation is a good series would be understatement of the century. The next generation really is something special, its characters are fantastic, the episodes tell some of the best stories you will ever see on the silver screen and it has some of the best writing I have had the pleasure of seeing.

The characters are so diverse and are more interesting than the OG series, which I already enjoyed from the movies. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (played excellently by Patrick Stewart) is the best captain in the series, not only do most the best episodes revolve around him, but it's his ideals that make him one of the more interesting characters in the series. Picard tends to follow orders from Star Fleet and for the most part even if it may seem like a bad thing to do at the time, Picard will follow orders, quite unlike a Kirk, that broke the rules all the time. It's this element of Picard that makes him really fascinating to watch, a by the books captain was the best way to go for a series like this, most the time Picard will not resort to violence and will choose to talk his way out of a situation instead. He's stern but also fair and seeing his interests in the performing arts and literature just adds more to this already interesting character.

The rest of the supporting cast are great too. Data, an android with no emotions but wishes to understand them is another great character rivalling Picard in popularity, watching him be put in situation that revolve around his lack of emotions and if he counts as a lifeform makes for some of the best stories in the next generation. First officer Riker, is also another great character to watch, he's everything you want from a first officer, he's more fair than Picard most the time but he can be quite stern too when he needs to be and a lot of great episodes revolve around what he decides to do when Picard isn't there to give him orders. The final character in this series I want to touch on is Worf, the security officer who is also a Klingon who was raised by humans. This added an element of an outsider on the crew to the series, there are many episodes where he has to deal with his culture as a Klingon vs his place on Star Fleet, this really was progressive writing for the time it came out.

I will go over some of the episodes in the show that really show off how fantastic this series really is.

The Measure of a Man (season 2): One of the, if not the most famous episode of the show. Data's identity as a lifeform comes into question when a scientist wants to take him apart. A hearing is ordered, with Picard defending that Data is indeed a lifeform. This is the episode that won me over on the series and showed me that The Next Generation was truly something special.

Yesterday's Enterprise (season 3): A fantastic episode, where the Enterprise gets caught in a different timeline where they are at constant war with the Klingons. Shows that Star Trek could tell these alternate reality stories extremely well.

The Best of Both Worlds and Family (season 3 and 4): The Borg show off how deadly they are by taking Picard and turning him into one. One of the greatest cliff-hangers is the history of television, please watch this. Family shows the aftermath of the situation and shows an emotionally weakened Picard.

Clues (season 4): A fun episode where the crew of the Enterprise wake up after blacking out for what they think is a small period but actually turns out to be longer than expected, this turns into a mystery to find out what's going on as one of the crew might be holding back some information from the others.

The Drumhead (season 4): One of the best episodes in the series for how it, for lack of a better term tackles racism. Picard has to defend a member of his crew who is Romulan, which is an enemy of the Federation. "Have we become so… fearful, have we become so cowardly… that we must extinguish a man? Because he carries the blood of a current enemy?"

I Borg (season 5): A Borg is taken aboard the enterprise with the intention of infecting the rest of the collective, but the longer the Borg stays on the enterprise, the more of its humanity it gets back. Picard has to decide whether it's right to kill this Borg or if it has the right to live like everyone else.

The Inner Light (season 5): Picard lives out an entire lifetime of someone he does not recognise, he grows close to the family of the person he is living out the life of and it becomes a rather emotional and sad tale. Don't miss this one.

Chain of Command (season 6): Patrick Stewart shows off some of his best acting, when he is taken away and tortured. This shows the psychological torture Picard has to endure and the final few minutes of the episodes are as chilling as they are brilliant.

Tapestry (season 6): Picard has a chance to redo his life after his artificial heart gives out and Q offers him to go back in time so that he never needed an artificial heart at all. Great episode that shows us not to regret our actions but instead learn from them and better ourselves.

All Good Things… (season 7): A fantastic finale that brings the series full circle with the very first episode in the series, where we get to see 3 different versions of these characters from different time periods. Excellent finale.

To wrap up what I have to say on The Next Generation, it really is a fantastic series and they don't make them like this anymore. Sci-Fi has lost a lot of the intelligent writing that went along with it, nowadays the genre needs to have action and explosions in it to appeal to a mainstream audience. No one wants to see an episode that questions what we consider a lifeform or an intelligent discussion on if we should follow orders all the time even if it's not always the right thing to do. Why watch that when we can see starships blowing up. Hahaha, I love space pew pew pew shoot the lasers KA-BOOM HAHA IS THIS SCI-FI YET? IS THIS THE GENRE YOU ALL LOVE SO MUCH? IS THIS SCI-FI YET?

Originally written by Mr_Turnabout on 20 February 2020 over on the old Dreary Middle website

This was the only article we ever published so we thought it would be nice to preserve it as a reminder of what once was, so enjoy!

[twilightfansofcolor]

CH. 3

Late February, 2005

“Isn’t it a little too cold to go to the beach? I thought American beaches were supposed to be hot.” It was Friday night and you were sleeping over at Melina’s house with Chandler (Alexa was grounded due to her poor grades on a recent progress report) and Melina had one of your hands in hers, painting it a neon green. “We do other things too. The kids in La Push also make bonfires and there’s whale watching too. Just be sure to bundle up.” Now with the whole world knowing where you live, your parents have been getting anxious about you going to places other than school and your friends’ house and they had to find bodyguards. Now, wherever you went they went with you.

“I’ll ask my parents about it tomorrow.” Melina applied a top coat to your neon green nails and when she was done, you expected them. They were far better than they would’ve been if you’d attempted to do it yourself, Melina had a steady hand. After your nails were dry, the three of you ate pizza bites while watching The Princess Diaries which you felt was a little ironic. It was the part of the movie where Mia was receiving her princess lessons when Chandler and Melina turned to you. 

“Is it really like that? Do you really have to sit a certain way?” You chewed on a pizza bite and nodded. “That part’s surprisingly accurate. You have to sit or stand up straight and look interested during formal events at all times because a camera is always on you,” you replied, taking a sip of Sprite. “Is that why you never slouch in your seat?” asked Melina, who pulled her hair into a ponytail. “Yeah. Come to think about it, I’ve never seen you slouch at all.” 

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn't do it. Like, I physically can’t bring myself to do it.” Even now, you’re sitting up straight on a blanket in Melina’s living room; old habits die hard. “Do you miss it?” Chandler asked quietly. “Only certain parts. The ones where we actually acted like a family.” You missed Olivia, even though the two of you hadn’t spoken in months and you felt guilty. The stress of keeping the secret of her parents’ crumbling marriage was causing her pain and you were the only one she could talk to; the two of you were born in the same year and the British press loved seeing the two of you together at royal events.

The two of you constantly borrowed from one another’s closets, spent holidays together, sleepovers; now that you’re in America, you wondered how she was coping by herself. The three of you spent the next couple of hours eating more junk food and watching more movies until Chandler fell asleep; she was curled up on the sectional and covered with a lavender blanket, soft snores coming from her corner of the living room. Now it was you and Melina up, and the two of you shared a two liter bottle of soda as the end credits rolled and Melina took the disc out of the DVD player. “No offense or anything but… your family just sucks.” All you could do was just laugh, because it was true.

They do, in fact, suck. For months, they let you and your mother become subjects of horrific abuse in the media, not once coming to your defense. “Believe me, I know. No offense taken, but sometimes it wasn’t all that bad because I had Olivia with me. I thought that whatever we were going through, we’d get through it together. But it looks like I was wrong.” That was the part that hurt the most. A person you considered to be your sister was nowhere to be found when you were going through a PR disaster.

In the thick of it, instead of comforting you, she avoided making eye contact with you at events, and stopped coming by to watch your favorite shows together. Melina wrapped an arm around you and pulled you to her side. “Well, now you don’t need them. You have us now. We’re always gonna be there for you.” You laid your head on her shoulder and smiled, believing her. Things would be better for you and your family; your new friends did more to defend you in the short time you’ve known them than your so-called family who you’ve known for fifteen years.

They made you feel safe. Melina then put on Pretty Woman but the both of you had fallen asleep within the first thirty minutes. Not for the first time since being in Forks, you felt safe, even with all the intrusions from the UK media. You snuggled deeper into your sleeping bag feeling grateful for your new (best) friends.

[hime-hime-club]

LE MAD BANANA'S RANDOM BLABBERING ABOUT YOWAMUSHI PEDAL

* Yes there was a Spare Bike movie -- but was that just it? Would there be a chance to make it into a proper anime series!?

* Miyahara (a.k.a. Class Rep) has finally given a name -- SUZUKO. I'm gagging

* Fight me or not, Manami is actually... hermit-smart. You know what I mean?

* Was it mentioned in Spare Bike that Arakita is bad at Math? All I know is that he easily falls asleep just by seeing numbers swimming on the blackboard, but I don't remember reading one part that he sucks at it. Because what if he is actually hecking good at it? I mean, he won't be able to get into the course of his choice in Yonan if he sucks at Math.

*And I am tell you, since Onoda is now captain, one possible punishment he could give to his juniors, if and when they didn't finish their laps or anything similar, is to make them perform Love Hime's opening theme -- complete with costume and such. Fellow third years are NO EXCEPTION.

* I won't be surprised if KyoFushi will win this year's Inter-High. I have mixed feelings for Midousuji, but he is a one damn opponent since day one.

* Who made their first impression that Teshima and Aoyagi were like evil stepbrothers in Onoda's life -- but they proved us wrong and they are now one of the most celebrated pair in the series? I'm raising my hand.

* And yes, I’m signing their adoption papers now.

* Who knows Aya Tachibana, Miki's BFF from the tennis team? I wanna see more of her, because reasons.

* The funniest character in the series IMHO? FUKUTOMI. Watch the omakes of the first two seasons and you'll understand why.

* Am I the only one who thinks that Toudou is a good dancer? I mean, he was trained in traditional dance, right?

* Imaizumi is a great representation of all closet otakus.

* I'm one of the victims of wrong impression that Makishima is a bad person because of his looks. I humbly apologize. From then, I saw the light, he's the patron saint of awkwardness. He is MY patron saint.

* Okay, Toudou is, obviously, my number one. But for whatever reason since I watched Limit Break, I’m sinning against him because of JUNTA GODDAMN TESHIMA.

* Speaking of Teshima, is there really such thing as an ABACUS COMPETITION? That was as per their Wiki.

* Speaking of Limit Break, TO OMIT THAT DEATH MATCH SCENE BETWEEN TESHIMA AND URAKUBO IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY. And to make it worse, Urakubo in the anime was denoted to a mere side character. I’ve read the manga, and I’m so brokenhearted.

* What’s more heartbreaking? Where the hell are our dose of omakes every end of the episode!? We finally had a glimpse of its eyecatch -- AT WHAT COST!?

* My sincerest apologies for not reblogging translated recent chapters due to lack of time, but GOD BLESS ROKUDAI. I would love to see him grow as the series go on.

* So knowing that Izumida et. al. already graduated, do you think they will have their own Spare Bike chapter? I believe they should.

* I believe Watanabe-sensei has a knack of molding side characters into MCs one day. Perfect examples of this redemption technique are Teshima, Aoyagi and Kuroda -- to the point that they even underwent a makeover!

* Midousuji has the most number of different hairstyles in the entire series -- so far.

* Have you ever wondered if Hakogaku even had a manager like Miki?

* As much as I’m having doubts about Limit Break at this moment, I still hope they would show the last ‘episode’ where Team Sohoku would go back to Akihabara and then go to a karaoke to celebrate.

There might be a lot more in store but these are my thoughts right now and I hope you don’t mind me blabbering about this because in all honesty, I regret not knowing about this eight years ago.