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casual-eumetazoa · 4 months

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another personal crisis here we go again woo

So long story short, the last eight or so months of my life have sucked ass and now I want to quit my PhD program.

The longer version is that in October of last year I got a kidney infection that landed me in the emergency room, then the worst autism burnout of my life hit (I couldn't even communicate verbally and was absolutely dysfunctional for weeks), then I got a toxic thyroid nodule that was overproducing hormones and made my whole body go to hell. For context, at baseline I already have ehlers danlos syndrome and dysautonomia so the thyroid thing was just too much. Then I got a horribly inflamed wisdom tooth (that still needs to be removed as of me writing this), and my OCD got so bad that I couldn't eat anything for days, lost weight until my BMI was around 15 and a half, and almost ended up in a psychiatric hospital with a feeding tube.

I have only started recovering from all this in May and had to immediately jump back into uni work cause I missed so much and sick leave is not really a thing in the program. I was supposed to be on break until October but I need to scrape together some semblance of work to pass the so called mid term evaluation cause I'm a second year student and we're supposed to already have a bunch of stuff done at this point.

Well, after all I've been through, I kind of lost the ability to care about work. I've been losing interest in science for a while now but I think getting so ill was the nail in the coffin of that special interest somehow. I used to be extremely passionate about what I did, during my Master's I was working/studying 70 hours a week and I was the happiest I've ever been. Now I can barely make myself work on a meta-analysis for an hour or two a day. I'm currently doing some work for a class and it's almost physically painful. I just do not care so much and having to drag myself kicking and screaming into it feels like chewing through a wall of granite.

I want to quit this program so bad but the issue is that my stipend is almost the only source of income for me and my partner (the 15% or so being his student stipend). If I were to quit, I would need to find a job, and I just do not feel able to jump into anything any time soon. We have a decent amount in savings but I don't know how long that would last us.

So I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel like I'm wasting my life on something I do not care about while I could be working on video essays and books that I am immensely passionate about. On the other, quitting now seems like a childish tantrum and I don't know what I would do without this money. I guess I could go to my parents for help but they aren't doing that well financially and I doubt they would be able to support me. Which means I am stuck.

Idk why I'm even typing all this, I guess I just needed to vent. I am so tired of my body and brain being like this. My supervisor and research team also suck but that's a whole another story. Basically, I feel trapped by this stupid PhD and I don't know what to do. I wish I never had entered this program tbh and I'm constantly wishing I would get kicked out of it for other reasons. But I've no idea how I would get money without it. So yeah. Sucks to suck.

#rant #delete later #any words of advice appreciated btw #if anyone will read this till the end

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memories-feel-like-weapons · 11 months

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I guess I often feel like people want Taylor to do things in music that music is just not really suited for. Like idk, I know some pop music deals with electoral politics or financial crises (?) but not…in a terribly nuanced way I gotta say. I don’t think it’s the best artistic form for that kind of commentary…Like one of the speaker’s points was that Fearless isn’t representative of teen girls because teen girls were thinking about the 2008 election and the financial crisis and Taylor doesn’t have anything about that on Fearless…And true, but I don’t know that a good song about those things really exists?

#and I think Taylor’s best most feminist songs are pieces like all too well and wcs and dear John and tolerate it #that articulate gender and power dynamics in relationships #a lot of people weren’t thrilled with the man and yntcd even thigh they were explicitly political

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chronically-caffeinated · 1 year

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I normally do personal posts in tags but idk personal nonsense under the cut

Fuckin. God yeah getting hit with big emotions today and guess have been for the last while. Last few months have been chaos in kind of a good way and I haven't had too much time to just stop and sit and think and idk I'm here kind of reflecting on the last year and where I was and where I am and just like fuck man I feel good I guess. Melancholy. Reflecting on some dumb shit that happened last year and like. Fuck yeah I sure did wind up in a whirlwind of god damn terrible emotions and self loathing and tried to escape by throwing myself into sex and drugs and alcohol and parties and just anything to get myself away and just fuckin feel like I was anything. I don't know what I'm saying last summer was absolute dogshit and I did some shitty things. Like damn I sure did land an assault charge and have spent the last year paying off my lawyer and attending mandatory parole. It sure did fuck me over financially and amalgamate with all my other drama and anxiety and depression and just like idk fuck I sure as hell did try and take my own life last year and damn do I sure as hell feel pretty stable these days. I don't feel scared that I'm gonna get me anymore. I don't feel like a monster that's trying to hunt myself down and finish the job any time anything goes wrong. I'm not scared of snapping and making another attempt. I've put in a lot of work to getting myself where I am and had a lot of help from a lot of really great people (if you're reading this you probably know who you are there's a few of you here that helped me immensely) like yeah idk just grappling with an major identity crisis and substance abuse and self harm and shit. But idk were kinda past it we're getting professional help and working through things and rebuilding in a new city for the third time and it feels like my life is getting to where I want it. I've got plans in place to get myself where I want to go and I'm doing my best to act on them and really improve things and shit like we've been succeeding. I like my life right now. Can honestly truly say I like me right now. I like who I've become and the people I've surrounded myself with. For the first time like ever I'm excited to get old. See where life takes me. I'm all emotional and shit I just needed to get this all out of my head I don't really have a point here or know what I'm talking about I'm just emotional but doing good I guess

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myfanfic-urfantrash · 1 year

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Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (...But I Am Very Lost.) - [6]

Kazuha & GN!Reader

CW- Injury mention.

A/N- I literally rewrote this so many times it's ridiculous. I think I will end this after 10 parts at least but idk.

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The next few weeks were filled with the same daily routine: Wake up to see Kazuha, be blessed by the Kazuha, forfeit mortal possessions to Kazuha-

A lie of course, your life isn't that simple. But it is simple and you did establish a routine with Kazuha. Seeing as you were still very injured and were very much in a foreign land with not a mora to your name Kazuha- in all his graciousness- decided to stay by your side till you were in a much more stable condition physically and most definitely financially.

So every morning Kazuha would wake you up, assist you with getting ready, help feed and dress you as necessary and taught you the basics of the common currency and language while you did your physical therapy.

His hands hovered beside your waist as you stepped carefully down the inns hallway towards the balcony overlooking the river. Your balance wasn't the best still but it was definitely better compared to a few weeks ago when you first arrived in this world.

Even if you already knew the basics of how mora worked and have seen much of the languages and script of teyvat the way Kazuha described them was very poetic. Probably because he does so much poetry, definitely not because you're obsessed...clearly not.

You wonder when you'll stop feeling this way about him but you figured there's no harm. You do treat him normally even if you have your moments of adoration, and he doesn't mind it he's made that clear that he finds it more amusing than anything harmful.

Kazuha steps before you sliding open the door to let you through, watching over you as you wobble towards the benches. For such a small inn it sure is of great quality, you think hand stroking the furniture yet again admiring the craftsmanship.

"Are you a fan of wood working? I've noticed you're rather fond of examining the inns structure and the furniture within."

You hum to yourself. It's not so much you're a fan of woodworking but rather seeing and feeling objects you've only seen through a screen is something else. But you won't tell him that, at least not directly, wouldn't want him to have some sort of mental crisis now. So you nod before getting distracted by a few finches landing on the balcony railing.

"I just haven't seen stuff like this before, well not in person at least. Same with the finches."

Kazuha hums lifting a hand towards the little blue and yellow birds that hop happily. Surprisingly yet not one of the blue ones hops onto his finger and he kneels before you guiding the little bird onto your own fingers with a smile at your wide eyed expression.

ITS SO CUTE YOUR GONNA DI-oh it flew away...

You pout and your ears are blessed once more by his soft laughter.

"I hope you do not find it rude bit it sounds to me as if you have lived quite a sheltered life, and if not more of an isolated one." You have no idea my guy.

"Perhaps when you are well enough, I can show you much more that this world has to offer. If you are willing of course." You have never wanted to say "I DO!" so fast but you nod instead not trusting yourself to be chill.

"Then it is settled. When you are well again I will show you more of Liyue and perhaps, more provided nothing prevents you from traveling across the sea or farther inland."

He raises a hand before you can speak up.

"It's kind of you to worry but I will be fine. Should Captain Beidou need me she knows how to find me. I've already informed her of our current situation." Aw you wanted to meet her. And such a thought must have shown on your face because laughs again.

"You will meet her soon, perhaps even within the next month, her ship should be docking for supplies and by then your injuries should be fully healed." He takes your hand in his and closes your fingers over a little blue feather.

"There is much to see and many to meet but they are not going anywhere. So take your time and recover well."

#gender neutral reader #genshin impact x reader #kazuha and reader

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dreamwritesimagines · 1 year

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It’s CMA-

Sorry for my relative absence, I was finishing finals last week lol. Anyway I’m back and ready to read the new chapter!

As a younger sibling, I love seeing Colin roast the shit out of benedict lmao

Ooh perceptive Josie! I was wondering when she’d catch on!

I love how Anthony so clearly thinks that family is #1 in his life and can’t comprehend anyone else thinking differently. I wonder if Ben will lean on him and if he’ll learn about clover’s family, and how he would react. I think it would explain a lot about her to him.

Also the only reason I think Anthony in particular would be involved is because I feel like clover’s parents will try to extort her and Ben in some way, probably financially, in which case they’d probably need to disclose it to Anthony and/or bring him in to consult on how to legally get rid of them.

Also going back to the Anthony and family thing: he so clearly has a set definition of what family means and what you would do for them, and how you would treat them even. It’s very black and white- either your family or you’re not, in which case he’s not going to really care about you. The one exception I can think of to that rule would be Charlie.

I mean, thinking back to the duel with Simon, he so clearly is willing to turn on him in a moments notice as soon as he thought that Simon was hurting his family.

It’s a fascinating dynamic- how far would he go for his family, and how much he would take for them. It’s like the very definition of he would burn down the whole world just to see them safe.

And seeing this with clover is especially interesting because she started very much as an outsider and he considered her basically a hostile threat to be controlled, and then almost immediately after she became family, he’s suddenly expecting everything to be good between them.

Idk idk just a lot of thoughts (I didn’t even read clover’s response, just the first line of Anthony saying “better terms? We’re family.” Lol so idk if what continues will completely invalidate everything I just wrote or not lolololol)

I love how clover kind of bulldozes over Anthony and doesn’t really ever let him speak. She does this a lot but so does he, so it’s interesting to see him be on the receiving end for once. They’re so similar it’s crazy.

(Their dynamic also a really interesting case study of how one instance of severe emotional trauma has significantly different effects than severe, prolonged physical, verbal, and emotional trauma, but also how trauma fucks you up in an overarching way that is similar/apparent to anyone paying attention)

Lmfao clover just asserting to Anthony that his most strongly kept secret is so obvious to her. Love to see it (also yes anthony get off your dumb ass)

THE DUEL IS THE DUEL IN THIS CHAPTER?!!???!!!???!!?? IS EVERYONE GOING TO GET SUPER INSPIRED TO GET OFF THEIR ASSES?!!??!!??!!??!!????

HES NOT EVEN FUCKING GOING TO TELL HER HES GOING TO BE AT A DUEL?!!??!!??!!?!!!

damn I know he’s protecting her because she’ll probably have a panic attack when she realizes, but she’s going to be so fucking pissed and probably still have a panic attack anyway when she finds out. Ben what happened to always being honest with her 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 they were finally having such a nice, emotionally vulnerable, sober moment together too!!!!!!!!

Also at least we know that Anthony is going to get off his ass for Charlie finally. Thanks to clover for inspiring him and everything. Damn, if clover isn’t the maid of honor/best woman at the wedding, then Anthony will have really fucked up. He owes her BIG time.

Damn clover is going to have a crisis about nearly getting what she wanted. Holy fuck, my god, Ben you’re such a dumbass

The duel ended and Ben didn’t even come home!!! Oh my god how could Ben let Lottie be the one to tell her!!!!!!! Oh my fucking god Ben you dumbass!!!

(I know it’s fair because he’s been doing everything perfectly so far and he was bound to mess up at some point, plus I know he’s doing it with the best intentions but still!!!!!!! Ben you can’t do this to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Wait who was Simon’s second?

Damn for Lottie’s sake, I almost hope she leaves because clover is going to be a fucking Hurricane and I’m worried who she’ll hurt along the way.

Also anthony was so close to having a decent relationship with clover and he just totally wrecked it for the foreseeable future.

Mostly she’s going to be mad at Ben, obviously because they’re the closest, but she’s going to be really pissed at everyone involved. Including Colin because he knew and didn’t tell her; I could see at least some damage being done to their relationship, which is sad because they had such a cute friendship.

Will lady bridgerton know about the duel? Will Eloise? I’d like clover to have at least one person to talk to, though I suppose she could always talk to Josie and Bess and her aunt and everyone.

I wonder if clover will stay in her house with Ben, or if she’ll be angry enough to stay somewhere else for a while. This is already going to wreck Ben, if she stays somewhere else it might break him.

Going back to the Anthony/family thing, this is such an interesting view of how all of the bridgertons are that way for one another and can’t imagine seeing things any differently. It wasn’t just Anthony that took that risk, it was his brothers as well, and daphne by riding out there in the middle of it.

It’s also a really interesting look at how Anthony didn’t even question if Ben and Colin would support him; he assumed they would, he counted on it. It’s a really interesting look at when being dependable goes too far.

I’m not entirely sure if they would count as being an enmeshed family, but I kind of feel like they would be. They’ve got very few boundaries with one another and rely on each other for everything, not even considering personal cost when it comes to the well being of their family. It’s great and amazing until it goes too far; there’s a reason why personal boundaries exist and are important, even within a well meaning tightly knit community like theirs.

Are we going to get any peeks at Ben’s POV for the last portion of the chapter, and/or if he left a letter or anything for her?

I also wonder how much this will damage her relationship with not just the bridgerton boys, but also daphne and Simon as well. I definitely feel like she’s going to resent them for what happened, even though that in doing so she would be a total hypocrite considering what happened between her and Ben.

If Ben hadn’t been so noble, quick on his feet, and willing to save her, they might’ve ended up in a not dissimilar situation to daphne and Simon, though I doubt clover would be willing to think about that.

It’s also so interesting how even though I talked about Anthony’s relationship with his family as a contrast to clover, they’re actually really similar. Anthony just uses the biological definition of family while clover has her chosen family.

It’s really interesting to consider what happens when two people who are willing to burn the whole world down to protect their family end up clashing. (Enemies to lovers clover and Anthony when? Lmaooo)

Clover’s definition of family is so flexible; she can add people and cut them off in an instant, while Anthony’s definition is very fixed: if you’re family, you’re family for life, end of sentence.

In order to protect his world, Anthony was willing to burn down clover’s, and that’s never going to be okay with her.

I wonder if Anthony even really thought about the fact that he’d be sacrificing part of his own world (his brothers) to protect another (daphne), or if he just expected them to be okay with it.

I feel like Josie is finally going to hear the truth about everything because clover’s going to be too mad to keep it a secret. When it was just her life at stake (when their fake relationship began), she was willing to take her suffering to the grave, but now that someone she loves is in danger, everyone is going to know how much pain she’s in.

Wow I know I keep saying this, but Anthony and clover are so similar. Both willing to suffer silently (and needlessly) for themselves, but they’re immediately sounding every alarm the moment they perceive their family as being in trouble.

They are both trying to control everything around them to make sure that their families stay safe. Their control issues show up every time the two of them fight: both fighting for control to make their own family the priority, even if it’s just a conversation.

Weirdly, clover almost has better personal boundaries, even if it’s because she’s practicing self preservation and being overly defensive, because when Anthony tried to walk all over her, she immediately put him in his place, but Anthony pretty much considers himself a martyr for the betterment of his family and would let anything happen to himself in order to let them be happy.

This is kind of interesting because I feel like clover sees herself as a martyr too because she was one for so long. She sacrificed herself over and over again to protect teddy, to the point where she basically burned out. So now every time she gets anywhere near that ledge, she immediately tries to flee.

But she clearly doesn’t realize this because she for so long clearly planned to sacrifice her own life by marrying an old, abusive man and keep it quiet to protect teddy and her family from the truth, and to protect herself in what little ways she could. But again, the moment she thought that that could be a reality, she had a panic attack and ran. (I believe this is in the chapter at the opera house)

Okay going back to this chapter: I’m so mad because Ben and clover are clearly just in a super sucky situation all around, and both trying the best they can to protect each other, only it backfires miserably in this case.

Honestly I’m mad at Anthony on behalf of clover. Like daphne and Simon are annoying, but ultimately they didn’t do anything that clover and Ben didn’t already do, so it’s not as condemnable, but Anthony so clearly is trying to protect his family by sacrificing everyone else, which is admirable in theory but so not cool in practice.

Idk a lot of thoughts, as always. Ugh this cliffhanger is killing me and it hasn’t even been an hour lmao.

Damn this season is fucking wild for the bridgertons lmao I love it

Omg omg CMA honeeeey! ❤️ I have so many thoughts about this! 😱❤️

Aw I hope your finals went well! 🥰

Colin will never stop roasting both Benedict and Anthony 😂 He loves it😁

Josie had her thoughts ever since that dinner...😏

I totally agree with you on the Anthony thing! ❤️ Like, for him family is the most important thing, that's also why he never even implied his feelings for Charlie because he thought Benedict had feelings for her, and he is so used to sacrificing himself for his family that he didn't even consider doing anything else ❤️

He would do anything for Charlie as well🥰😍

Like, Anthony made up his mind about Clover before even bothering to get to know her, and he was incredibly angry because he thought she somehow caused Lottie's heartbreak😁 But now he knows that's not the case😏

And also, the minute Clover married Benedict, she became family ❤️ So like at this point, Anthony would do anything for her as well because she's a part of his family, regardless of their earlier arguments or future ones😁

They really are so similar😏

Omg different types of trauma for them both, exactly! ��

Yessss Benedict didn't even tell her he was going to a duel❤️ Like, he was ready to die for Anthony and the only thing he told her was that he loved her 😭

Oh yeah, Anthony definitely confessed his love for Lottie 😏❤️ After years! ❤️

I know it’s fair because he’s been doing everything perfectly so far and he was bound to mess up at some point, plus I know he’s doing it with the best intentions but still Funny you should mention that darling, because when the actual angst hits and Benedict messing up happens... 😈

You're absolutely right, she is a hurricaneeee😈

She will be incredibly angry at Anthony as well for putting Benedict in danger but mostly Benedict for putting himself in danger like that 😏

She will stay in the house but their dynamic...😏 It'll be different!

I don't think they will know about the duel actually! 😱 Because that would lead to them knowing the real reason behind that wedding 😏

That whole family is so ready to die for each other! 😂 No questions asked whatsoever 😁

Oh Benedict didn't leave her any letters or anything 😈

Enemies to lovers clover and Anthony when? I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS FOR THAT AU HELP😁

In order to protect his world, Anthony was willing to burn down clover’s, and that’s never going to be okay with her. I LOVE THIS SENTENCE SO MUCH😍😭 It's so good! ❤️

Both Anthony and Clover get feral when it comes to their family being in any kind of danger and yessss they both have control issues! ❤️ That's also why they clashed that much from the first minute they started talking to each other 😁

She sacrificed herself over and over again to protect teddy, to the point where she basically burned out. So now every time she gets anywhere near that ledge, she immediately tries to flee. Absolutely! ❤️ She is terrified of it and that's also why she is so much in denial about her feelings for Benedict and their marriage ❤️

Both Anthony and Clover would totally die for their families, no hesitation ❤️ Totally martyrs! ❤️

I am very excited for the next chapter 😈❤️

Darling, thank you so much, this is so good! ❤️ You're amazing, ILYSM! ❤️

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syubub · 4 years

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Hoseok soulmate reading

Let's get the disclaimer out of the way: This is for entertainment purposes only and shouldn't be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards.

Oki. Before we begin I must say... I put this off as long as possible. For those of you who have followed me for a while, you know that hobi is THE HARDEST to connect with and tbh this was no different. I'll probably revisit this reading again at a different time (you'll see why)

So. To start things off... Hope has some.. strange(?) energy. His energy was really vague and weak. The color too is intresting because its 100% not a color I've ever seen and I'm not sure if something is afflicting the color of his energy? Its ruby red but also deep grey blue? Its really strange and honestly pretty but it doesn't feel like the normal color? The color is usually a nice red with some deeper hints but...Its usually a bit more... lively? It just feels dull right now.

It looks like this right now but with a little more red? Its really peculiar.

Now. Idk maybe some shit is going on with him right now? Or maybe bc there was a fuckin lunar eclipse in Gemini last night? Idk but the energy was a little.. hostile. That's not a bad thing but it kinda felt like he was being broody? Its all really strange but he was not very into the reading (more so than usual) blah blah he didn't want to talk and I asked some questions I probably shouldn't have and some stuff happened. Long story short his soulmate(?) Showed up and pushed our foreheads together so we'd have to connect.

I asked his soulmate if they could tell me what the fuck was going on and they said that they don't know him well. Idk if that means that they don't know him well on a soul level? I'll get into this more later but this feels like something that's already been concluded or comes back up from time to time.

"He's pretty closed off huh?" Yes soulmate. He is.

I asked for more info about them and they said May. I was like cool, is that your name or? "Nah" sick is that like you're birthday? "Not really" cool cool cool.

They did say that he deserves better than what he has. I'm gonna leave it at that but hobi is possibly going through some shit.

Now we can get onto the reading part. I do want to say though, this reading felt very disconnected and weird? Just like somethings off and I have a feeling that this soulmate is more of the "life lesson" type soulmate?

Oki. We have temperance, chariot, two of cups, queen of coins. This is a person who is definitely motivated and driven and 100% a business savy human. They are also very likely loyal and know how to balance work and play time very very well. Is well-off (or materialistic) lol. There's a very ride or die energy that tells me this person is the type of friend that will do anything for you but when you do stupid shit then you get a stern talking to. Idk why but it also feels lonely? Like they're on their own journey to find themselves and their path/happiness/self and if it doesn't fit in the wagon then it gets left behind. This person might move too fast and miss out on important things because they're always chasing after something. They take "its not the destination that matters but the journey that does" to a whole new level and they just never stop to enjoy the scenery bc they'd rather get the rush of newness.

As for their relationship. As I said before I think this soulmate specifically is the "life lesson" type and could definitelybe a platonicsoulmate too. The kind that provides you with an opportunity for growth. With the 5 of swords rev. I kinda think that this could be someone from either a past life or back in a less favorable time. The fool card to me makes me thin that this relationship provides a sense of being born again? Its that newness of having a new perspective and a whole new understanding of self. With the magician rev. Its about issues with communication i.e not being able to get across your needs and desires for both of them and a lack of energy to figure it out. I also feel like this was just something that they didn't fix and didn't want to fix. (I'm talking in past tense bc this reading feels like its someone from the past) This card also talks about deception. I'm not gonna go into this much. With the 3 of wands though!! Yay! This talks about progress and I feel like this points to them learning more and more about who they are and what they truly want. They're kinda like lines that were moving towards eachother, intersected and then continued going in their own direction. Its like this time together was formative in who they are as people and what they dream of! And with the father of cups it does seem that over all the relationship was/is (I don't know how to talk about this) relatively balanced and they had/have respect for eachother. This card specifically is about balanced emotions and emotional intelligence and I think that this is what they gain from this relationship.

Moving right along we have the oracle cards! Stand by you commitment, financial healing, unconventionality, socialize or join in and sensitive emotions. The flower cards are from hobi to soulmate and the others are from soulmate to hope. Now. Maybe his soulmate went through a failed business venture that they're recovering from or just general money trouble bc the whole world is being fucked over by a virus. Either way hobi is very strong in the message of commitment (that makes me think that its specifically about business or something they started but never finished) onto cards for Hope. He might kinda be going through the shitty times and his soulmates advice is to not isolate and celebrate himself more. He might be having some issues related to self image or a soul-identity crisis? Idk but hobi needs that good good self care and love.

Now the two unicorn cards. Those are also from his soulmate to hope about some personal shit and I will be leaving that out because its not my fucking business. (Hobi is fine don't worry)

Woo wee lets get on to traits! First for zodiac sign. Earth, fire, air. Possible Libra and Taurus placements.

Tiny cards. Light hair, dark hair, sweet, extrovert, hard working, tall, business oriented, loud, fate, sorry, open, faith, happy, wait.

First off I get brown hair vibes (maybe medium brown?)

The word cards sound like his soulmate trying to give him a pep talk so I pulled an affirmation card that says in stillness I receive. I think hobi is going through some soul stuff and I'm not sure if this specificly translates into his life right now (though I think it does and he's repressing it or hopefully he's sorting it out on his own privately)

Oki oki oki. Idk why but it also might be that hobi is doing work to heal his inner child? I honestly don't know whats going on or if its affecting him in his day to day life at this time but I want to come back and do this reading at a time that he might be in a better energy space?

Hobi is ALWAYS hard to read and its even harder when he's less open than usual.

I'll get another soulmate read from hobi at some point and see if I can catch a "future/current romantic soulmate"

I am confused 😕

Also!! I have a Ko-fi now! I'll drop the link here but its in my bio! Absolutely no pressure but its there for people who want to tip me and were looking for a way to support me! (Also, I'm not taking readings through ko-fi so please don't drop money and request a reading there.)

Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/syubub

#bts tarot #bts imagines #bts reactions #bts #jin #suga #yoongi #kim seokjin #jhope #hoseok #jung hoseok #hobi #namjoon #jimin #taehyung #jungkook

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volucris-liga · 3 years

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Okay, the book came out in February so it’s been long enough that i assume anyone who cares about spoilers for Pathfinder’s Quest has already obtained Pathfinder’s Quest, and i have a lot of Excited Thoughts to share so I’m rereading the last chapter and writing some notes. I’ll still put it under a Read More in case anyone is still avoiding spoilers for it, but I figured it’s safe to post now at least.

The majority of this post is probably gonna be about Ash.

This post is also probably very long.

Anyway. Let’s go:

First of all, the Project Iris story stuff starts in 2658. Since the current year is 2733 (maybe 2734 by now? idk) and Horizon came back 87 years after she was left at the black hole, that means she disappeared in 2646-ish. So this is around 12 years after Horizon was lost.

Since the last chapter mentions that Project Iris had been around for 15 years, I went back to Horizon’s chapter to confirm that it was already technically Project Iris before she left (it was, yes), and found this bit:

“Lilian set me up with a laboratory on Olympus to test my theories and find a solution to the crisis. I brought my whole family there… I miss them.”

She specifically is talking about more people than just her son. I’m so curious about who Newton’s father is lol, and why it’s only Newton that we see in her Story From the Outlands and the rest of her lore.

Okay now I’m finding more stuff in Horizon’s chapter, i’m glad i went back to reread this too.

“Years and years went by with nothing. Financiers were getting impatient; Lilian was kind about it, but I knew even she was doubting in me. My own assistant thought I was failing.”

Whiiich means before they discovered Branthium, Reid already had sort of an antagonistic thing toward Horizon and didn’t trust that she could succeed at the project (though, as seen shortly, Horizon didn’t realize how bad it was). I’m guessing she was resentful that Horizon was getting all the recognition for the project and she was always seen as her assistant, not an equal scientist on the project.

And then there’s this bit:

Horizon: “My assistant, Dr. Reid, joined me on my mission.” Path: “The one who thought she was better than you?” Horizon: “Aye. Didn’t know it then, though. She was a good friend. We were close. Came to dinner with my family. Even babysat my son a few times. That’s why it’s so hard to ken what happened…”

Oof. I’ll come back to this point later; there’s some stuff about Newton in the last chapter that’s important.

As a side note, I think Horizon didn’t know a lot of the people in Project Iris, and most of them were recruited after she was already gone -- she’s not able to tell Pathfinder much about the group that actually solved the energy crisis.

Anyway, moving on. I appreciate that Reid’s first name is Ashleigh, lol, makes sense why she’s called Ash as a simulacrum later.

I really like that even in this storyline there’s connections to the other legends -- Wattson’s grandmother, Amélie Paquette, and Gibraltar’s grandfather, Aleki Gibraltar, are both on the team. There’s a bunch of other scientists as well, but as far as I can tell they’re all new for this lore with no prior connections.

There’s a scene where yet another experiment with refined Branthium fails, and Reid calls out Amélie for it -- “Your plan was wrong from the start. I pointed that out, must have been, twenty times?” Reid is clearly quick to judge others’ ideas and shut people down (and has been all along, like when she thought Horizon would fail before the discovery of Branthium). Reid and Amélie also reeeeeaaallly don’t get along.

There’s this exchange:

‘“Excuse me? And what have you done, Reid?” Paquette pressed, moving face to face with Reid. “Besides stand by and critique our every move while ze rest of us do all ze work. Is zis how you treated Somers?” “You’re not half the scientist she was.” Reid smirked.’

Even though she was resentful of Horizon, enough so to betray her, she did apparently respect her more than she does the rest of this group, which i think is interesting. She also just… really hates Amélie.

And then there’s Newton!!! aaaaa!!! I love that he’s an intern for the group now that he’s a teenager. And his personality is adorable.

Newton finds something that none of the rest of them saw, which is that someone needs to be in the refinery to continuously recalibrate the process. Which is impossible. Aaaand then it’s Reid, of all people, who comes up with the idea to reprogram a MRVN robot to do it. Which is painfully ironic, given what happens later.

While they’re trying to figure out how to actually do the MRVN thing, Reid mentions that she has contacts at Hammond Robotics. I’m assuming Hammond are the ones who eventually rebuild her as a simulacrum (though for all I know that’s been confirmed somewhere and I’ve forgotten. I have trouble keeping all the corporations and factions straight in my head, and i’ve barely played any Titanfall, rip). They’re definitely the ones who made Revenant (which has already happened by this point in the lore).

All the scientists putting part of their personality into Pathfinder is just so good. Especially cause of Newton; I love that it’s Newton’s influence that has Path being so friendly to everyone. Please give us in-game voicelines between Horizon and Pathfinder next season, now that Pathfinder knows Newton was one of his creators.

Aaaand here we go, stuff about Newton. Reid obviously helped raise him after his mom was gone. I wonder if she ever felt guilty about what she did to Horizon? A few interactions that Hurt:

‘Paquette paused and looked at the MRVN. “He’s our fail-safe.” “Whatever… I’ve got other work to do. Let me know when you’re done fooling around,” Reid huffed as she stormed out of the lab. “Should I go after her?” asked Newton. “She seems sad.”’

‘“A lot of what I have to offer is what my mom had, and I think most of that’s already in here, but there’s one thing that was always important to Mom: she loved her friends. It’s important to me, too. You’re all my friends. But especially you, Dr. Reid.” Newton looked over at her. “You were always there for my mom. Just like this MRVN is going to be there for the Outlands.” Reid did her best to smile, but it ended up as more of a quick nod. “Thanks,” she said hesitantly.’

I appreciate that Amélie is suspicious of what happened to Horizon. Like, Reid managed to fool most people, but not everyone.

‘As Stay started to pack up the tools, Paquette joined her. “I’m assuming you added some precautions to ze program in case anything was to ‘appen,” she whispered. “He can’t be hacked, if that’s what you’re askin’, P,” Stay assured her as she packed away a welder. “Zat’s not what I’m talking about.” Paquette’s expression showed a deep look of concern and hesitation. “You really don’t trust her, do you?” “Do you? Somers was ze best astrophysicist in ze entire Frontier. It doesn’t make any sense what happened to her. Ze stories don’t add up. I just want to make sure we cover all our bases.”’

More of Ash’s voicelines from the Broken Ghost quest! I thiiiiink this is almost all of them covered now, if not all?

Path says “Who doesn’t like ice cream? Every kid likes ice cream!” when he first wakes up.

Delgado says “All roads lead to Branthium!”

Reid herself says “Fail-safe, fail-safe, who’s got the fail-safe?” during the whole big Thing at the end.

When Reid betrays everyone to try to divert the first Branthium shipment through the Phase Runner to the IMC, both she and Newton disappear from the party first. And she and Amélie have this conversation:

“I knew it. I knew it from ze start. You killed her, didn’t you?” “I did nothing.” “Yeah, right. You killed Somers. You put yourself before every innocent life in ze Outlands.” “Innocent life? Please. The Outlands are filled with nothing but war and greed. No one cares for anyone but themselves. I’m just playing the game.” “Have you told zat to Newton? Where is he?” “He’s not a part of this. Not anymore. I took care of him. Right now, it’s just us.”

So Newton’s fate is a bit uncertain. I’m guessing she got him out of there to save him, actually, which I think is really interesting.

Anyway, Reid then cuts off Amélie’s hand with a sword cause deactivating the lockdown requires two of the scientists to authorize it. Which I guess explains why Amélie’s arm is in a sling in Pathfinder’s Story From the Outlands video.

Pathfinder had managed to get out, so Amélie’s able to set the lab to self-destruct with his help. Path’s able to fight the mercenaries and Reid and get to the Phase Runner. And then there’s this that Reid says to Pathfinder:

“No one is your friend. You’re a machine. Nobody cares about machines. Nobody loves machines. You’re no different than that Phase Runner. You’re a MRVN. We use you and turn you off when we’re done. You’re nothing.”

There’s probably a lot she has to work through when she ends up as a simulacrum, oof.

She almost stops Path, but then gets stabbed in the back with her own sword by Amélie, which is fitting. The mercenaries Reid was working with are attacking so it’s basically impossible for the scientists to escape, but Pathfinder’s able to program the Phase Runner to send the Branthium to all the various Outlands planets instead. And, at their request, to send himself through as well before the self-destruct (and he then eventually wakes up with amnesia). aaaaaa this is so sad

“I don’t want to say goodbye. You’re my friends. I’d be sad without my friends.” “You’ll never be without us. You’ll never be alone.”

I’m assuming that after the explosion, Reid’s body was found and turned into Ash. Also everything about the season 6 comics is so ironic now help. After Hammond Robotics get what they need from her after the Legends find her head, she’s just left behind somewhere deactivated, and Pathfinder finds and rebuilds her. And she has no memory (until Blisk shows up, anyway). So like, it was her idea to create him, and then he completely ruins her plans which leads to her death, and then he saves her life later. Great. When she had no memory and was living with him he called her his girlfriend and everything, he’s gonna be so sad when he finds out who she is, rip.

There’s this bit of dialogue in the intro conversation for the chapter:

Path: “I can’t be weak and the person who killed the people who saved the Outlands.” Blisk: “Heh. Very true, mate. That’s why it wasn’t you.” Path: “Are you sure? How do you know?” Blisk: “Pretty damn sure, because I know ‘em.” Path: “You know my creator?” Blisk: “I know who killed your creator. Or, well… creators.”

This implies that Blisk is fully aware of Ash’s history. Makes sense, and I assumed as much anyway, but given the season 6 comics that means he also absolutely knows that Pathfinder knew Ash and he’s purposefully not telling Pathfinder that Reid and Ash are the same person.

There’s also this part at the end of the chapter:

Blisk: “Oi! One more thing… Did you ever find…? Eh. Forget it.” Path: “What? Did I ever find what?” Blisk: “Actually, I, uh…” Path: “Tell me! Is there more to the story than what was on the chip?” Blisk: “Just one small detail. But why don’t you turn that recorder off. This one’s just between us, eh?” Path: “Okay. You’ll tell me after I turn it off--”

Now, my first thought when first reading this was that it was gonna be about Ash. But I’m sure it’s not, cause in Pathfinder’s last log entry after that he’s very happy and optimistic about finding his creators, and he would have been affected by finding out that Reid was the same person as his missing ‘girlfriend.’ Sooooo I’m still 1) very curious about what Blisk talked about after the recording and 2) very excited for whenever Path finds out the truth about Ash.

On a related note, I am so ready for Horizon finding out about Ash. And to a lesser extent, if Wattson finds out about her grandmother’s role in what happened and her history with Ash (also Gibraltar about his grandfather, but anyway). I’m assuming Ash would know they’re related to her former team, since she’s working for Blisk and likely would know all the basic info about all the legends, including real full names. So Ash interacting with Wattson would be interesting, especially at a point where Ash knows who she is but Wattson doesn’t know about Ash’s history.

Also depending on how things develop with Ash and the other Legends, it’s interesting to think about Loba’s perspective, since it’s technically her fault Ash is back at all. I wanna see a conversation between her and Horizon cause Horizon wasn’t around for the Broken Ghost stuff. Plus, Loba agreed to get everyone to go get the components that turned out to be Ash’s head because in exchange she’d be given the location of Revenant’s source code. With Loba later deciding to send the source code away as revenge instead of killing Revenant, her need for revenge on him is definitely gonna come back to bite her later, now that Revenant’s resolved to destroy everything she loves (maybe he goes after Bangalore?). Horizon’s still definitely very angry at Reid, probably even more so if/when she finds out what Reid did to the Project Iris team, and when she finds out Reid is Ash, well… both she and Loba certainly have strong vendettas against the two simulacrums lol. It’d be neat, though unlikely, if there’s a plotline where Loba ends up facing consequences from the Revenant thing and then because of her own experience she convinces Horizon not to go too far trying to get revenge on Ash.

Oh right there’s also the question of Newton’s messages to Horizon near the end of season 7. He’s still a little kid in those, even in the last one where a future Horizon who got back to him has sent a message to herself. And obviously, that didn’t happen -- Newton’s there, as a teenage intern for Project Iris, and the characters mention his mom being dead multiple times. Soooo then what’s the deal with the messages? I’m thinking there are three options: 1) Horizon eventually going back in time creates an alternate timeline/dimension 2) those messages are for/from a Horizon and Newton in another dimension entirely (look, the Phase Runner is weird, Wraith’s tech is weird, etc.) oooorrrr 3) the messages were faked somehow and are connected to Ash -- some of her voicelines in the Broken Ghost quest were the codes for those messages.

In conclusion: a a a a a a a a a a

#apex legends #pathfinder's quest #pathfinder's quest spoilers

13 notes · View notes

bestsportmedia · 3 years

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I’m still in disbelief Leo is not a fcb player anymore. Bruh saurez had a better farewell at least his wasn’t in some dark corner of a press conference room. How could this happen? What’s wrong with the media team at barca? Also I agree I think Leo just wanted to leave ASAP. This is not adding up there is so much more going on behind the scenes.

Anonymous asked: “I don’t think Laporta was 100% honest about what happened… there is more to the story.” Admin there is definitely more to the story. I hope one day we find out what really happened. They way Messi was rushed out is one of the biggest football shocks of the decade. His farewell (I wouldn’t even call it that) was rushed. My guess is that he really feels betrayed and angry after all he’s done for the club they couldn’t keep him. So he decided if he leaves it’s best he leaves ASAP. Part 2) even during today’s press conference he said he was grateful how quickly Psg were able to make the contract. ( he repeated this too) I think he really did want to leave ASAP.

Anonymous asked: This is the biggest transfer in history. What’s worse is the whole reason it happened was Barcelona ran out of money. This is just embarrassing to the club it’s always gonna be remembered the reason why he left. I’m still in disbelief how a multi million dollar company with 100m followers can be in this situation. Biggest shock in the world of football. No one saw this coming a week ago.

Anonymous asked:

This is the biggest transfer in history. What’s worse is the whole reason it happened was Barcelona ran out of money. This is just embarrassing to the club it’s always gonna be remembered the reason why he left. I’m still in disbelief how a multi million dollar company with 100m followers can be in this situation. Biggest shock in the world of football. No one saw this coming a week ago.

Anonymous asked:

There is so much more to the story. I don’t believe this. I honestly think that Laporta and co knew how bad things were from the beginning and that la liga was going to deny them. But they still went through the motions. There’s more to this. I mean look how quick anto unfollowed the club she is clearly angry. It looked like Leo wanted to get out Fast too he so was happy and grateful that Psg made it so easy for him. He mentioned it in multiple interviews. I wonder what really went down

I think the Barca media team was in a shock. They weren't prepared at all. They were posting video and photos that prepared for renewal announcement. We don't know really know happened but imo there was lack of planning ahead (on both side). Messi has done a lot for Barcelona & the club have also done a lot for him. Sad it ended like this.

Anonymous asked:

You were right fcb needs a damn reality show 😂 soooo much drama. Antonela did really unfollow the club. And the new players still not registered. Kun can’t play till October. And what’s with pique? He seems to be having a midlife crisis now that Messi gone. Damn all of this is crazy. Makes me really happy to see psg and fans going above and beyond welcoming at least. Still in shock the club ran out of money. I don’t think I can ever believe that a multi million company like barca going bankrup

hahaha Pique and his selfies. It’s very easy for companies to go bankrupt.

Anonymous asked:

I never imagined messi would leave barca. Especially in the way he did In a press conference wearing a suit with a room filled with people wearing face masks. If you showed me the images years ago I would be like wtf is this movie? This is just crazy admin I’m still In disbelief I’m still waiting for the farewell. Can’t believe his farewell was in a basketball court. Imagine 1 or 2 years early you would come here and say messi and ramos are teammates and at PSG. And post a video of them

Anonymous asked:

Over a year who would of thought messi would leave Barcelona and wearing a face mask😂 people in history gonna look back at pictures and know about the virus. It’s kind of funny because now all the masks we are so used to at this point. But if you told me this before i would of thought it’s not normal.

Strange times. ya that welcome was good. I mean its messi! he deserves it all.

Anonymous asked:

I wish” (kind of! Bartomeu was still here so people could blame him. He ran. It’s not fair he created the problem but Laporte is the one who getting blamed and getting rage from people in cataluna. I feel like Bartomeu dogded this issue without any repercussions, he escaped

He released statement saying Laporta could have signed messi if he followed his strategy. Which kinda make sense but idk

Anonymous asked:

Did y'all see the video of Leo greeting Laporta before the press conference? it was a cold exchange. The farewell was rushed and Leo seemed like he wanted to get out there ASAP” I noticed too there’s more to the story. antonella in the behind the scenes fawell video she told Laporte him to move inside. She looked mad at him it was at three minute mark

Yes, I saw it. She looked angry especially when you compare it to her interaction with the psg president

Anonymous asked:

Same I don’t understand why last minute. Couldn’t they try to sign earlier. Did they not want to ruin his vaction or sum

Bad time management lol

Anonymous asked:

Admin how are you feeling? right now I just feel so defeated what’s the point of even supporting barcelona when our administration is filled with people who gave us debts. Im still confused so they not have professional lawyers, economist, educated financial advisers to prevent this. I’m shocked like what else could be coming? Although I have these thoughts I’m still always gonna support the team in good and in the bad moments. I hope fans who leave don’t come back when la Masia comes through.

Bad time management lol. They are fake fans. and oh they will come back when things get better. That’s what fake fans do lol

Anonymous asked:

Do you think Laporta lied the entire time? He knew that he couldn’t sign him? I think he didn’t fully disclose the deep terrible situation the club is in and led him and his family on till last minute. I don’t think he ever had plans to except the CVC deal as he never accepted it before this. I feel like it’s an excuse.

Anonymous asked:

The 9 million for depay and other money/wages for signings. Couldn’t that of got to Messi? I just don’t belive this it’s unbelievable a club like barcelona have people to know ahead of time if a contract would get rejected. The have people who hired to know this. They way the announced and the farewell has me suspicious

I can’t tell you if lied (or not) to Leo but he sure lied to the fans. He was tell us that things were going well. My question, whose idea was it to wait till last minute i mean few days before new season starts? why wasn’t his agent pushing for the contract to be signed earlier than that? I understand his entourage trust FCB but this is new board and it’s well know that the club is in bad situation financially. Laporta and Co betrayed him but also his agent failed him. Remember last summer? he had clause that let him leave on free transfer but the clause has deadline. He couldn't leave because his agent sent the burofax past the deadline.

Anonymous asked:

Did you know pochetino was there when Leo made his debut In 2004. He was a player at the time. crazy how life circles back.

He was Espanyol player right? That’s amazing lol

Anonymous asked:

For the anon- they can’t keep leos image up because of the contract. Image right belongs to Paris rn that’s why they are posting him all over insta

Anonymous asked:

They can’t have Messi at camp nou or anywhere associated with the club because psg has image rights. That’s is a big portion of the contract

Thank you guys. @anon

#this is long #annonymous #messi leaves FCB #messi to psg

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dachi-chan25 · 3 years

Text

Haven't done this in a while but I had the time so why not?

1.- Pizza Girl by Kyoung Jean Frazier

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I really did like it, reminded me a lot of "Convinience store woman". Like clearly our protagonist needed thrapy ASAP to help her deal with her dad's death, her pregnancy, her attraction to women and hell just for existing as an Asian woman in the USA, but I liked how messy and obsesive she was and how the author allowed her to be fucked up and take bad decisions, I love to see female characters simply exist, it's also a pretty short read so I definitely recommend it.

2.-The Authentics by Abdi Nazemian

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Daría is a persian teen who is really involved in her cultural background and feels that the most important thing one can be is authentic, so that's the name she and her friends take for their clique. But everything comes crashing down on her when she discovers she is adopted, and soon follows an identity crisis. I loved it so much, it felt pretty realistic, like Daría could be self absorbed and unlikeable at times, but who wasn't as a teen? And we get such beautiful heartwarming moments between Daría and her family and friends. Totally recommend it.

3.- The Mall by Megan McCafferty

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Cassie has her life completely mapped out but nothing goes quite as planned, first she gets mononucleosis and after she gets better gets dumped and fired almost simultaneously. Determined not to let it get the best of her, Cassie gets a brand new job, reconnects with an old friend and even finds a hidden treasure. This one is so much fun, all the 90s references and the growth Cassie goes through is amazing, honeslty i would love to see this as a Netflix movie.

4.- Luster by Raven Leilani

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This book was hard, Edie is a very raw character, at first she seems flippant even when describing disturbing facts about her past or details about her relationship with a much older man she seems to be talking about something that happened to someone else all this to cope dealing with her solitude, her trauma, her self hate. And gosh it was so intresting to see her interact with Rebecca and Akila, especially Akila as Edie finds kinship in this young girl not only cuz they are both black but because they are both lost and afraid.

5.- Lakewood by Megan Giddings

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Lena decides to participate on a financially compensated medical experiment so her mom can get proper medical care and to lessen their debts after her Grandmother's death.

So I had many mixed feelings about this, on one hand I liked that we are adressing how sistematical racism has permited experiments on black people with no consequences at all and how it has been happening for decades, but there were certain parts of the book that I couldn't enjoy as much because they were very trippy like I get we are on Lena's mind as things are becoming muddled up because of the medications and all those mind games and the words they have her memorize and repeat but all of it took me a bit away from the story. Still I do recommend it just be aware there is quite a bit of body horror in this so if you are sqeamish better skip it.

6.-The Voting Booth - Brandy Colbert

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Marva and Duke meet on election day as she helps him find the precint he is registered on.

This is very enjoyable, the story is very straightforward, and it insists on our right and responsability to vote even if we feel our vote alone can't possibly change all the injustice we see in the world. And also the romance was cute and developed slowly as Marva and Duke are just knowing each other. Really cute and quick read.

7.- Such a fun age - Kiley Reid

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Emira works as a babysitter for the Chamberleins' . She loves her little charge Briar, although she feels preassured to seek a 'real job' by her friends and by her own economic troubles. Emira soon finds herself in the middle of a tug of war between her boss Alix who tries to befriend her, and Kelley the guy she is dating.

So much drama. This is a great example of what performative activism looks like, first Alix is completely nuts, from her obsession to be seen as this wonderful understanding girl boss activist and the down right creepy sense of entitlement to Emira's friendship and intimacy. Like it doesn't surprise me she chose to victimize herself instead of recognizing it had all been a misunderstanding. And even then she still wants to seem atractive to the man she feels victimized by. Girl no.

Kelley is the ultimate fake woke ally. Dude Robbie was wrong period, he had no business inviting people over to someone else's house no matter the color of his skin. You don't get to talk over Emira on matters of what a person of color should do or feel on certain situations. That said it was so funny when he and Alix called each other out for their fetishization of people of color and yet none of them actually gave a damn about what Emira thought/felt/percieved. They just wanted her stamp of approval so they could pat themselves in the back for being such good allies.

8.- The Life and (Medieval) times of Kit Sweetly by Jamie Pacton

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Kit is working as a serving wench at the Castle, medieval themed restaurant run by her uncle, though she really wants to be a Knight, not only cuz the better pay would help around the house but because she really admires Joan of Arc, problem is the Castle management doesn't allow for anyone who is not a cis male to be a knight. Kit is set on changing that.

Ok so I feel a bit lukewarm toward this. Kit in my opinion doesn't get much growth, it seems she just can do whatever and her friends have to be ok w it, her romance w her friend feels pulled out of nowhere like Jett at one point tells her he is not intrested in dating her and then he is ???, those GoT references killed me, I get it I watched the show and sometimes even enjoyed it but it's not representative of anything medieval and Kit was always talking about how much she liked the actual history of the medieval times so...

Also as much as this book was about feminism and how we should fight for equal job oportunities, it feels as though Kit only cared about medieval woman who fought physically and not on the badass medieval woman, like idk it feels as a rejection of tradicional feminity like even the girl playing the Princess is a jerk. But I did like some parts, like her decision to confront her asshole dad to help her mom and the girls training together.

9.-Cien años de soledad de Gabriel Garcia Marquez

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En Macondo, una población Colombiana a un lado del río, vemos como una de sus familias fundadoras crece, se expande y cambia a través de cien años.

Me encanto, hace mucho tiempo que no leía una novela de realismo mágico que me provocará tantos sentimientos. Creo que todos los personajes reflejan aspectos de la humanidad tan diversos y complejos que sería inútil tratar de enlistarlos todos.

Ultimadamente siento que lo que condenó a la familia Buendia a cumplir las profecías de Melquiades fue sus propia naturaleza que ellos nunca tuvieron intención de pelear, siempre sucumbian a las locuras o pasiones que los inundarán sin mesura alguna o consideración por las consecuencias. Y creo que aún así lo prefiero pues es lo que hace a cada personaje por confuso que a veces llegue a ser la repetición de nombres (que para mi es el simbolismo de una naturaleza y destino continuos) único e intrigante. En verdad espero que se den la oportunidad de leer este libro por lo menos una vez en sus vidas.

10.-The Monsters of music by Rebecca F. Kenney

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This is a gender-swaped modern retelling of the Phantom of the Opera.

It was creative to make Mel, our Phantom, a true magical creature, and the singing contest was also cool. Like don't get me wrong I did have fun reading this but it also felt pretty unpolished like most characters were teens on the contest and that kinda made me roll my eyes a bit, like unless it's the Voice Kids age ranges are quite ample on this kind of shows, also kinda clumsy the addition of the magical elements with the modern setting, Kiyo didn't make much of an impression with me even when Christine is my fave on the original book. Still if you are a Phan like me you might wanna check this one out.

11.- Anna K by Jenny Lee

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This is a modern americanized ya retelling of Anna Karenina.

Not gonna lie this made me cry so much at the end. I really liked Anna and Vronski together so much, and I don't like the love at first sight trope, but here it felt so inevitable. Anna was so self contained until she met him and could truly explore being herself and they really loved each other so much. Also I liked the treatment of the side characters Kimmie and Dustin were well developed and I really enjoyed this one can't wait to get to the second book.

12.- Wonderland by Zoje Stage

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It was ok, but I was actually a bit disappointed cuz I had such high expectations for it. Like for about half the book I was really into the atmospheric vibe the book pulls you into, but as we get the reveal it started to go down hill for me, and the ending left me feeling meh. But maybe it was just not my cup of tea.

13.-Home Before Dark by Riley Sager

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This book is so well crafted!!! I love how it goes back and forth between past and present , first it feels as if history is repeating itself, then as both narratives unfold we start to question and discovering things and the twist at the end was chillin and masterful, I truly and wholeheartedly recommend it.

14.- The Girl with the louding voice by Abi Daré

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Adunni, a teenage girl, flees from her husband to work as a maid in Lagos, though everything she has ever wanted is to study.

This broke my heart, as it reflects how people coming from rural backgrounds get taken advantage of in the City, like similar things happen here in Mexico, but also it made me glad to see Adunni fight and keep her spirit so no one could ever silence her.

15.- The Year of the Witching by Alexis Henderson

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Immanuel does her very best to fit in Bethel, follow the scriptures and the Prophets words, but nothing seems to be enough to erase her mother's sin especially when the Darkwood seems to pull her in. As a plague starts to ravage Bethel, Immanuel has to face her past to save her people.

So frickin' good !!!! This story is great, mainly about the explotation of woman and young girls by people in power (in this case a church), the atmosphere is always tense, Ezra and Immanuel 's relationship is very well developed and one can really see how loyal they are to each other. A great option for horror fans.

#july 2021 wrap up #wrap up #dachi reads stuff #dachi rambles #booklr

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #423

“i won’t think about you when i’m older / ‘cuz we never really had our closure”

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My late grandmother's husband stayed overnight when he was driving from New York to Florida or the other way around, idr. How many long term relationships have you been in? Two. Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? My snake's heat lamp stays on. Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? My dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I don't think I've even heard one of her songs. Do you know your blood type? A-. Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. Have you got your period at the moment? I haven't had my period since I started TMS. It's honestly so fucking frustrating that it obviously had an effect on my body, but not my depression. I've officially finished TMS as of a few days ago and now I just feel so void of hope. Have you ever been pregnant? No. How old were you when you first went on a plane? Idr, I was a little kid. Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Not me personally, but my parents have for my education that I threw away. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life regardless. When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never been. Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? Happiness. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? I have not. How many bedrooms are in your house? Three. Are you smart about computers? Not really, no. Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? Yes. My sister loved them, so we have a few. Do you own a Xbox 360? No. I'm a PlayStation girl. Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No. I'd be mortified. So, do you need a nap? I really should take one. I slept like... maybe three hours last night. I was up most of the night having a fucking life crisis. What would you rather be doing? Something fun. What sport are you the best at? I haven't touched any sort of sport since I was a teenager. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you complain a lot? Kind of, but I generally try to keep it in surveys nowadays. I'm just tired of shit. Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Ohhh, tough pick, but I've gotta say the ancient temple. Do you like fruity or minty gum? Both, really. Are you looking forward to any day of this month? Well July is practically over, so I'll answer for August. I'm looking forward to my nephew's birthday. Have you ever gotten detention? A few times for getting too many morning tardies in high school. Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? Definitely. Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Powerwolf did recently. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why meerkats do not make good pets whatsoever. Do fucking not get one. I can barely fathom how it's legal in some countries. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I've gagged. Who is your best guy friend? Girt. What do you two do when you hang out? Mostly just watch TV and play board games. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? I dunno, really. Do you even like horror movies? I love horror movies. Do you live in the country? I wish I still did. :/ Me and Mom hate hate hate living in these suburbs. What is your favorite accent? British. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Pepsi is gross. What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I was literally in the psych hospital for my 21st birthday lmao. It's kind of a painful memory, but I also won't forget the love and kindness people showed me. I especially remember the friend I made there getting the lunch lady to literally go and buy me a slice of cake. Everyone also sang happy birthday to me and gaaaah I'm getting emotional. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That was my dad's drink of choice when he drank. Do you take a lot of pictures? Unless I have my camera and am somewhere pretty, no. What kind of face wash do you use? Water, lol. Does drama always seem to follow you? Nah. Does anybody in your family race? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” Uhhh... I want to say $2 or something? I might be way off, idr. How long do you want to live with your parents? I WISH I could have moved out with an s/o already, but that's just not how life's worked out. Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop. Do you like your parents? I love them. Do you secretly like someone? It's not a secret, no. Would you ever date your best male friend? Tried that once and it didn't work out. I liked him more as like a brother. What are you currently listening to? "Better Than Me" by Hinder. I really need to turn it off, but I can't make myself. Do you want to be single? I really wish I had a partner to love and motivate me to strive to do better, but I know it's better I'm single right now. I'd just relive the Jason situation, I'm sure. I'd just drag the person down and lose them. Did you go out or stay in last night? I'm almost always at my fucking house not doing shit, so. Have you pretended to like someone? No, that sounds pretty stupid... How is your heart lately? Hurting. A lot. Are you wearing socks? I hate wearing socks and I'm in bed anyway, so no. What do people call you? Britt, mostly. Do you get stressed out easily? VERY. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What is wrong with you right now? Where the hell to begin. Do you own something from Hot Topic? A lot. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With someone, so long as the bed is big enough to comfortably fit two of us. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No. I'm certain he wants nothing to do with me. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Sadly. Did you get any compliments today? Definitely not. I look and feel like a wreck right about now. There's nothing to praise me about. Have you ever gone to a beach? Many times. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Unless it was an edible, no. I'd do almost anything to try and make me feel better right now, even if just for a little while, but I'm unwilling to smoke anything. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? HELL no. Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Honestly, no. Do you have long nails? No; I never do because I have an awful habit of picking at them. Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. Do you generally look nice in photos? HA. Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? No. What colour are your father’s eyes? They're dark brown. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Ozzy, duh. Name three facts about your family? We're very, very spread out geographically, some of us (in other words, me) are emotionally distant, and uh... idk. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Only if it was a certain person, our lives were more on track, and we were making plans for either of us to move soon. What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? Probably this really long letter my mom wrote for me on my bday a couple years ago. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? I played the flute for many years, all through middle school and through much of high school. Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Carve pumpkins, for sure. Do you think you’re important? I don't fucking know. Probably not. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Idk. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? *hands over thick book* Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. My hands are way, way too shaky to ever accomplish that. Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. What was the first thing you ate today? Well, I was seriously depression-eating last night, way past midnight, and had a peanut butter sandwich. If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? LET'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT RIGHT NOW. If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? "Falling apart." I've lost direction, motivation, strength, hope, just everything. What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? I need a fucking shower so bad that it's embarrassing. I just can't move. I have no energy, emotionally or physically. I just can't make myself do it. Is there anything that you wish you could take back? So, so badly. What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Actually reaching goals. Losing weight. Healing my legs. Knowing with certainty that I wasn't emotionally abusive to Jason. Moving out of this town and back into the country. Financial stability. A job I thoroughly enjoy. I could go on, but let's not. If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? God, let me take back shit I said in that fucking letter to you-know-who. It's so hard to believe I once thought it perfectly justified and realistic. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't have any plans of changing the style in the foreseeable future. I want to color it BADLY. To just SOMETHING. Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? I'm like, a lightning-fast typist. Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No; my best friend in HS was, though. Her GPA was fucking insane. I was in the top percentile, though, so I was up there. What the hell happened to that girl. How many drugs are in your system? If we're including prescriptions, a whole hell of a lot. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Jack shit. Like usual. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you call anyone baby? Excluding my pets, no. What’s your current mood? lol if you've gotten this far reading, you can make an educated guess. Do you think you are a good person? Bro I just don't know. What were you doing before filling out this survey? I was playing WoW. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 4:30 or so. When was the last time you cried really hard? I wanna say like a week ago? Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. It still badly needs a trim, though.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''better than me'' by hinder

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rights-for-redshirts · 4 years

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Okay, this is vaguely insane, but

If someone from our century were transported backwards in time and reborn as some sort of crown prince/ruler, how far and how quickly could they push their country's development?

I just kinda want a story of a high schooler with no particular interest in anything wake up as, I dunno, some sort of medieval King and be so pissed off by everything that they start scratching all the bits of vague technological, sociocultural, economical, political knowledge together that they should have collected in school, and then kind of ... start. From practically scratch. Or worse because of the social restrictions.

So they try to start with electricity and fail, because they don't actually remember how a battery works, and decide to hire - grinding their teeth - some scientist from a university, only to find that that scientist is a charlatane and more interested in alchemy than actual chemistry. So instead, they hire one of their servants - who turns out to be a bit of a prodigy, even if they can't read - and tell them to start working on steam engines, together with a local blacksmith's daughter who can definitely blacksmith but is forbidden to do so bc of her gender.

The new monarch realizes that in order to get anywhere with anything, they need to delegate.

Long story short, the servant/blacksmith duo manage - with a bit of financial aid - to kickstart the industrial revolution, but the monarch remembers enough angry late night tumblr rants about capitalism and low class workers plus a dozen or so internet history lessons (bc history lessons at school are often useless and more about numbers than how the gears of a society grind together) to put their foot down and grant the workers a livable minimum wage - and to make sure the workers and especially worker's children receive an actual education. Both of which prevents a major societal crisis.

Parallel to the whole economy trip is the whole political thing, which they manage to navigate with a bunch of random political/historical facts and anecdotes (they pop up at the beginning of each chapter and seem to be there just for fun, but become suddenly VERY relevant when the right situation arises). Our monarch begins to realize that, in their growing scientifical staff (since the first two are now platonically married and taking over the national market as well as parts of the international one), there is actually more brain to be found than with them, so they begin to write down everything they can remember, from chemistry and artificial fertilizer to physics to maths, in one large (not so large) book and add in a larger (much larger) book all the stuff they know is important but the actual information was completely buried under facts like what a mitochondria is. They slam down the books in front of their scientists (i.e. make sure our farmers can a) provide enough food for themselves, b) get acceptable living conditions, c) can provide enough food for our booming cities, d) get an increased range of mobility through ... trains or something, e) get enough of a decreased workload to be able to send their children to school and f) ... I don't know) and sic them on the different problems.

Then, their Highness turn their attention back to ruling because, . There is a lot of stuff going on in their kingdom, and a lot of it isn't good. They begin to abolish the old system of inequality before the law (nobles are outraged). They write a constitution that includes some of the fundamental human rights. They establish a law system. They keep escaping murder attempts because they grew up on a diet of period dramas, game of thrones and serial killer documentaries.

They reorganize the administration and weed out corruption by making it punishable by ... something, idk.

Universities are next.

They write a book about common sense that they get pope-approved by bribing the cardinals. Subsequently, they realize that they completely forgot about printing books, and promptly follow their book up with the invention of the printing press (how did they forget about that??!)

The social and the educational processes speed up by 500% in the following few years.

The invention progress gets done a lot earlier than in canon history because the monarch a) knows EXACTLY what the scientists and professors and clever kids (that they actively collect) need to be looking for and b) because they remembered not too late into their reign to just ... send people into other civilizations and ask. As easy as that. China had black powder, paper and a lot of other cool stuff. (They finally get to eat rice noodles again a few years into their reign. Hey, being an absolutist ruler has to have some perks. If you can't send a group of diplomats into the far east to retrieve the recipe of your favourite food, then what's the point?)

Also, they had planned to subtly undermine the influence of the catholic church on their people, bit as it turns out, education does a whole lot against superstition. The law for freedom of religion and confession passes almost without a hitch after some dude named Luther nailed a textpost rant of several pages against a church door.

They are several decades into ruling when they realize. They have brought freedom and prosperity and rational thinking and instant noodles (of a sort) to their country. People study arts and science and discuss politics and exchange ideas and knowledge with other cultures. It's the renaissance come early but better because they remembered about the molding bread and the bacteries (the scientists very obviously thought them insane, but eventually managed some decent penicilline; additionally the monarch added their corona-induced knowledge about hygiene and quarantine to the national curriculum).

But they remember some pretty inconvenient stuff: colonialism. They brought freedom to their own people. Now how can they save the free people of the other continents from the europeans? Bc not gonna lie, europe's history is pretty bloody, not only at our own doorstep. (Looking at you, US. ) Anyways they realize that the Native Americans and Australians are pretty happy and actually don't want to change much (at least I think so?? No offense meant if wrong).

The aztec empire, though, is a completely different matter. They are warned of some dude named Cortez, and seem very pleased about the gift of a few dozen horses (or did I misremember how that story went? Cortez being believed a God bc of the horses?).

So is the Chinese one. (They are thoroughly warned against some stuff named opium coming from England, even if that's centuries away.)

They establish diplomatic relations with a badass african queen who is more than willing to trade supplies for more sophisticated technological devices against technological knowledge.

At some point the ruler realizes they didn't age in the last seventy years, so the point of a marriage of convenience for an heir is kinda moot (not that they had remembered anyways). Probably some offhanded remark of a noble. Or seeing the industry duo's adopted children's children.

Also, one of the other nations, maybe india, surprisingly ups their technology game and does everything better than the european country, because I'm tired of western/white supremacy.

Feel free to add/change whatever suits your purposes. If someone ever writes the book, let me know.

#history #medieval #time travel #royalty #technology #developement #politics #aah #story prompt #story idea

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id-rather-be-an-outsider · 3 years

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Parkson Mystery

Kate Denson x Jake Park

word count: 1,457

summary: none of Kate’s fans know how she met him. she was single one day, and had him all over her feed the next. they tried digging into his past and discovered he was working on Wall Street, until his digital footprint all but vanished, only again popping up on the internet’s radar when the songbird he spent so much time around made their relationship public. this is the true story of how america’s sweetheart and the mystery mogul first met... and then some.

a/n: I had so much fun writing this! this story was originally posted on the DBD Amino. imma be completely honest w u, I have NOT been a fan of Kate. I like using Boil Over when in swf and I enjoy the Horse Gorl™️ vibes but like. idk. ANYWAYS. as I wrote this story I actually made a bunch of personal headcanons and can now say, Parkson is an official ship for me! I can totally vibe w the dynamic they have in my head <3

masterlist

Jake Park wasn’t ashamed to admit he’d picked up a taste for country music after having an existential crisis; in fact, he wasn’t even ashamed to admit he’d become an avid fan of Kate Denson - not a stan, though. Sure, he followed her on his private Instagram, but that wasn’t to lurk on her sexy photoshoot pictures, it was just to keep track of release dates for her albums. Granted, it never is hard to admit things when you don’t have friends to admit them to in the first place.

Every now and then he’d wonder if he should stop being such a stiff and just call one of his old work buddies for a steak dinner, but a quick scroll through their text history would remind him why he left the world of Wall Street behind to begin with. Materialism pales in comparison to the simple things in life, he’d tell himself. His baser instincts had always told him life wasn’t meant to be complicated, which is why he shoved those instincts down for years.

But Kate’s music - the songs of America’s sweetheart - reminded him of what an uncomplicated life was. Hard, rewarding work all day, and well-deserved rest at night. So much more peaceful than the never-ending rat race of the big city. Her music spoke to his soul in ways nothing ever had before, calmed his spirit. It made him realize how lost he was. So, he ditched the concrete jungle in favor of the real deal. Now all he ever dreamed of was thanking the young star who set him on fire again, giving him a new lease on life.

When he heard she was touring in his city, he felt excitement seeping into his very essence. Finally, the chance he’d been hoping for. He supposed she would be bashful, tell him he did more to turn his life around than she did. She gave off that vibe, at least. But Jake knew the truth, and he hoped he might find a kindred spirit in her. He pulled out an old business suit, perfect for a rare night on the town, brought his expensive car out of the garage acting as its tomb, and purchased a VIP ticket.

He was the last person in line. When he got to the front, he was almost speechless at the sight of her - almost. He managed to get out, “Miss Denson, your music saved my life.” The star laughed shyly, like she was used to a different kind of person saying those words to her. Probably fourteen, wearing braces, just having gone through their emo phase before getting back in touch with their roots. All the kids go through them these days, after all. Even a little cousin of Jake’s did a few years back. While he pondered this, he couldn’t help but also ponder how her laugh sounded like wind chimes. How is it that musicians always sound so magical?

As Jake mused, Kate said something he couldn’t quite hear and began to walk away with her security detail, agent in tow. “Wait!” He called out, and she turned back to face him. He could tell her agent was thinking he was just a crazed country boy super fan. “What if I told you that your music is the reason why I walked away from Wall Street?”

Kate smiled, a little confused. “I’d say that explains the accent. What’s your name, mister...?”

“Park. Jake Park, to be exact, but you can call me Jake, if you’d like.”

She laughed again, this time with confidence unlike before, demeanor changing from wary to businesslike. Or... something else. Jake couldn’t quite place it. “Well, Jake, I have a burning question for you: Why would my music make you give up a career like that?” She broke away from her entourage to come closer.

“We could discuss it over dinner, if you’d like?” Jake offered, the old swagger from his uptown days making a guest appearance. Sure, he wasn’t working numbers under uppity snobs to get a bigger Christmas bonus anymore, but he still knew how to play poker. If Kate’s eyes were of any indication, his gut told him he may have just been dealt a winning hand.

Kate accepted before her agent could intervene or protest, his eyes turning into slits. Probably worried Jake’s background with money and marketing could put him out of a job. Maybe he was right. “I’d love to get to know my most interesting fan. Might as well put that Wall Street money to use, huh?”

“Sure thing, darlin’.”

Since that day, their relationship as business partners, friends, and eventually more, blossomed. Kate dropped her greedy agent and management team for the generous man who became her best friend. Jake used his book smarts and savvy money skills to help lower Kate’s touring costs, made her performances more accessible to *all* of her fans, and helped her rake in extra profits from her music releases *and* with cheaper marketing. She spent less time in the studio and more time with him on their back porch as he sat and listened to her beautiful creations.

Truth be told, meeting Jake helped save Kate. Her old team had been stripping the life from her creativity, pushing for numbers rather than quality content. Having Jake work with her personally made everything so... simple. Working from home when making music, waking up to the sun dappling her skin through the the leaves of the trees, feeling the breeze on her face and his kisses on her fingers - it put the inspiration back into her music.

Her fans seemed to notice too, and they seemed to get a kick out of her sharing more about her life online, making theories about their relationship. Jake and Kate would scroll through the subreddit comments and laugh at the crazy ideas everyone had. Jake hadn’t laughed like that with someone in a long time. He hadn’t had a sense of humor in a long time, either.

When his family came calling, lecturing him about dropping his old career and this and that, he invited them over for dinner... and showed them that his and Kate’s retirement funds were already completed when she wasn’t looking. Their qualms ended after seeing the financial security they had, and seeing how calm Jake’s home life was. Sure, it was a strange change, but for once, Jake was happy, and seemed fulfilled. They didn’t always understand everything, but they understood enough.

Eventually, they visited Jake’s family in Korea, had their quiet wedding, nothing crazy, just something for family and close friends and nice rings, and did some remodeling with their own bare hands to create a cute nursery, complete with musical instruments and stuffed animals. When the delivery date came, Jake was a mess. He knew his wife would handle it like a champ, but his nerves were still through the roof. The labor came and went easily, and they came home with a beautiful baby girl.

“What are you going to call her?” Kate’s mother cooed as she obsessed over the newborn.

“Jake was thinking Yu-Hwa, and I was thinking Grace. He said I could have the first name if he had the middle name.” Kate mused. Jake was outside working on building a playground for their daughter. He’d insisted on getting an early start, arguing that his mother said time flies when raising a baby, no matter that their child was only a week old.

“Grace sounds beautiful. It matches your names, too. Oh, I’m going to have *so* much fun spoiling this little girl!” The new grandmother whisper-squealed, not wanting to wake the baby. “When are you going to have more?”

Kate laughed. “I told you mom, we just want the one.”

“For now.”

“For *forever,* mom.”

“What’s this about another child?” Jake asked, announcing his presence.

“Just Grama Denson getting a bit too ahead of herself.” Kate rolled her eyes.

Jake casually wrapped his arms around Kate, planting a kiss on her forehead before heading to the fridge to steal some lemonade. “I mean, between you and me, eomma, I wouldn’t mind making another baby, long as they keep turning out this cute.”

Kate gave him a quick flick to the forehead before he could dodge it. “Stop conspiring against me with my mother, sir. It takes two to tango.”

When the playground was finished, Kate did, in fact, gain another baby bump, watching happily as her husband helped their first waddler play outside. Grace Yu-Hwa Park and Dae-Hwan Lee Park, DaeDae for short, were lucky enough to have the best dad, Kate thought. Jake looked up at her, glowing in spite of the autumn cold, and thought the same thing.

separator images found here

#outsider writes #dead by daylight #kate denson #jake park #parkson #jake x kate #kate x jake #jake park x kate denson #kate denson x jake park #fluff #dbd #dbd fanfic #dbd moodboard

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moony-jamie · 4 years

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Okay long post that may or may not be shorter than expected but here we go. (I just wrote everything and it's pretty long, I think)

This will mostly be about things that happened in the past few weeks that made me emotional? Kinda? Stuff I want to talk about aka screaming it into the void that tumblr is. (Apparently it's mostly about football and my exams)

I'll put it under a keep reading thing, hopefully it works.

Okay where do I start?

I feel like I spend more time being emotional about football than worrying about my finals. Magdeburg was involved most of the time but also football that shares one braincell and the DFB hasn't seen it in a long time.

But let's start at the beginning.

On the 8th of May 46 years ago Magdeburg won the Cup Winners' Cup. Since it looked like the season will be cancelled and Magdeburg could go into a financial crisis, the fans organised a fundraising event in which they sold tickets for an imaginary trip to Rotterdam to win the cup a second time. This started around the 5th of April and went on for a month.

Obviously I got a ticket too and spend a whole week basically camping in front of my mailbox waiting for it. It took five days and I cried when it came.

It's beautiful, I love it a lot, one of my favourite players singed it, I'm in love.

They even managed to show the game in a re-live so that's the story how I screamed and cried after my English exam because we won the cup (again).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qBL15JPO4g

And well then this video made me cry again and I feel like I spend more time crying over Magdeburg than actually studying for the exams but it's time well spend I guess.

(And no we didn't actually went to Rotterdam it was all imagination but it was great anyway)

During all of this Magdeburg desperately tried to get Milan's attention (for a possible rematch in four years for the 50th anniversary) by tweeting at them in badly translated Italian. Honestly that club is as dumb as I am and I love them a lot.

Apart from that football was all about pain the past weeks, starting with the fact that I can't scream my emotions out during football games? Like idk if it's a good coping mechanism or not but screaming for 90 minutes straight always helped me a lot.

Now I'm really mad that the DFB decided to start Bundesliga behind closed doors because first of all the Bundesliga is nothing without it's fans. Second, ending the season early would be the better option but well I told myself to calm so I will do calm.

BUT THEN they won't stop arguing about the 3. Liga and honestly I'm done with this shit. At least Magdeburg is the club with the braincells and said they want to end the season (I guess I chose the right club to stan).

The thing is Magdeburg isn't legally allowed to train or even play here in Saxony Anhalt but well apparently the DFB doesn't care and is now pressuring the politics into either allowing them to play or they will take away Magdeburg's (and Halle's) license and honestly that is so fucked up I can't believe it's actually happening.

Football, what a fun sport to stan :)

Enough about football tho, lets get into the important stuff. Or well the reason I actually took a break from tumblr.

My exams went surprisingly well despite the fact that I had to stop studying at some point because it just stressed me out.

It all started off with my Chemistry exam which was pretty easy. Besides my business administration exam it was the one that stressed me out a lot because I almost failed the mock exam and I just had a bad feeling overall.

But then I saw the tasks and everything was so easy?? Of course I started stressing again because I was finished with still an hour to go but then my classmate told me that she saw the teacher grading it and I had a lot of points already and?? I was so relieved?? Honestly I could've cried.

My English exam was the next one, two days after Chemistry.

There are two main parts in this one. The first one is the listening comprehension (nightmare of every German student) the second one is the written part.

In my school we have one room that has a very good acoustic in which the listening part wouldn't be a problem but due to Corona they talked about closing it because it might be unfair when it couldn't be used for everyone that wrote the more difficult exam (I not in the mood to explain the whole system right now but if you want to know more about it dm me).

Thursday I wrote my English teacher if she knows how it's planned right now and she confirmed that they will be using this room and that I will be in this room for the listening part. That was the first time I actually cried because of my exams.

Now English wasn't particularly bad but I have a weird feeling about it. We will see once I'll get the results.

My German exam was the next one and just like with the English exam I have a weird feeling but we'll have to see.

I got good results in both of my mocks so hopefully it will be fine.

The last one was my business administration exam and oh boy. I was stressing so much, I couldn't look at my notes without having a breakdown and it was bad, really bad.

I was praying for marketing to be a big part but of course my prayers weren't heard and there wasn't a single sign of it at all.

BUT luckily the main part of the exam was easy. Well not too easy but it was a topic where I didn't think they would make it the main part but they did. It was about loans.

Well we better don't talk about the rest of it but if my calculations are right I should get the required points.

I really don't want to get hopes up but I'm pretty sure I made it.

There is one exam left still but it will be some time around June and hopefully pretty easy so I'm not stressing too much right now.

Now that I finished the hardest part I hate how everyone was stressing me even more. People basically tell you that if you don't start studying months and months in advance you won't make it but?? No, it's not that.

I can't speak for other exams of course because well maybe we had a Corona bonus or whatever but I don't think so.

It really seems to be easy (at least for all the nightmare stories I always heard).

Also wtf F1? I walk out of my German exam and see that Vettel left Ferrari. Got my crying the whole day because well I don't mind him leaving Ferrari as much as I mind should he retire. I really don't want that.

And then I walk out of the business exam and they announce Carlos to Ferrari and Dan to McLaren. As if I wasn't emotional enough, F1 really decided to play with my feelings here huh.

But what else happened except for football and exams?

Well I walked my dog every day and saw all kind of animals during so. I don't know if it was because there were less people outside or just because we have a lot of fields and forests in general but it was pretty cool.

We saw rabbits, foxes, deers and even a snake (I only saw a wild snake once in my life so that's pretty cool)

Also managed to took a (bad) picture of a deer, isn't he cute?

Also a week ago my mom convinced me to buy a bunch of guppies for our tank and ever since we got them my betta got herself a goth girlfriend and I'm??? So soft??? For my gay fish??

They're very shy tho and I didn't manage to get a good picture of them yet but it's really cute. They're always hanging around each other.

Last week I was also able to go to the stable again since Jody isn't actually my horse and they only allowed owners on the property to stop the people from taking riding lessons.

This picture is from today, I wanted to take pictures in this field ever since I missed it last year and most of the flowers stopped blooming back then.

But I was able to go back and can go there again now that I have some free time and I'm just so happy.

Unfortunately now they aren't in full bloom either because we missed it again (thanks Corona 🙃) but the picture is nice enough so I don't mind too much.

By now I can't really think of anything else that happened.

As I said I'm now working on my Fanfiction. In theory I wanted it to be done by the end of May but I don't think I will make it but I'm not stressing myself with it either. Every chapter is more or less plotted so I hope writing will go by a little easier.

I don't know how many people actually read it until this point but if you did, thanks 💙

I'm just happy that I got all of it of my chest now since I wanted to talk about all this but I was getting tired to annoy my mom with it.

#I'm about to go crazy #this is the fifth time I'm trying to make this thing work #ufff #might just give up if this doesn't work now #fml #if the pictures don't show up tell me #thanks for reading if you did #personal

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nerdygaymormon · 5 years

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Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1) I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2) I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3) I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4) I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5) BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6) The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7) After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8) In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9) Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10) The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11) I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12) I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13) Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14) In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me.

15) To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16) A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17) Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18) In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19) Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20) My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21) Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22) I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23) It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24) I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25) I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

#David gets personal

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