#they never look the same way they look in the program which is a shame

[palskippah]

Hi! Headcanon that Nimona does this some nights when Ballister's sleeping, and then he wakes up in the morning with more cowlicks than usual

Reference under the cut!

Based the thingy on this video of two cats that I found really cute jdfd especially with the background sound (whose translation could work as: sweet heart, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, heart or something like that sjdf)

Also here it is as a gif! One day of these I'll figure out how to keep the colors and fps correctly pipipi

That's it!

[reddesires]

hey, would you be down to write some Koba head cannons for if he reunited with the woman who cared for him for a short time when both of them were little, kinda like Caesar and Will except Koba was taken from reader and that’s when he got put in the labs and abused and all that. But years later while he’s hunting with Caeser or Caesar welcomes reader into the colony since they needed help and Koba recognizes them since they kinda raised him and pretty much the only human he’s ever met who was kind for him

Platonic please, may you also include Koba later getting Jealous if Reader interacts with any other ape

I’m so sorry of this is like too much for a request this is literally one of my first time requesting things on peoples pages and I have no clue how to go about these things 😭😭

Koba x Human!Reader [Platonic Headcanons]

Fandom: Planet Of The Apes

Rating: No Warning.

A/N: Here you go lovely, I appreciate being the one to writing your first request. I hope you enjoy it ❤️

(Primatologists are people who study primates, including apes, in their natural habitats)

•You were a primatologist who helped rehabilitate Koba when he was small, his mother had passed away and was refused by the other bonobos since they had babies of their own.

•You had a bond with koba unlike any other, he clung to you like you were his mother despite there being others that looked after him too. After seeing his distress of being apart from you, you took sole responsibility of the small bonobo.

•He became the light in your eyes. You would coo at him in a gentle tone as his small hands tenderly touched your face in fascination. This small creature captured your heart, and his eyes were your favorite feature of his. The intelligence and unconditional love he held for you became your source of motivation.

•the devastation of being separated from him after there was a financial cutoff for your program was like a punch to the stomach. he wasn't yours but he was in all the ways that truly mattered, you became his surrogate mother and you knew that getting feelings involved would complicate things but he needed you and loved you and felt the same.

•"NO! Please! Don't take him, I'm begging you!" You pleaded and begged. You just knew that if they took him away, you may never see him again. All you wanted was for him live the life he was supposed to, amongst his own kind but in the end they took him from your arms as your pleas' mixed with koba's cries, his tiny hands reaching out for you and your own hand reached out in desperation "Koba!".

•You searched for him for many years, making connections and reaching out to sources, but it always led to a dead-end, but you couldn't give up. You felt immense guilt, and you still carried so much love for him that helped you hold onto hope that you'll be reunited with the bonobo that you raised.

•One of your sources gave you info that one of the last times they heard of the group of apes that came from your program was when they were sold to a corporation for testing purposes in a lab, the doom you felt catapulted into you with such force that you felt your heart break into a million tiny pieces. You had no way of knowing which corporation and the location and it's been so long that you knew the damage was done and there wasn't a damn thing you can do, the shame you carried was an overbearing force as you came to terms. You were working in the San Francisco zoo as the up until the simian virus ravaged the human population, leading you back to the bonobo you were looking for.

                                °•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

•You had found refuge in the woods since other humans no longer welcomed others within their inner circles, you understood they were trying to protect themselves but you'd rather avoid the conflict entirely seeing as how scraped up you are already.

You knew of the apes within the confines of the forest but you'd rather your chances with them as you spent many years living amongst them during your primatologist years, but it was obvious their intelligence skyrocketed since then.

As you are gathering whatever resources within the area, berries being your top favorite and encapturing your attention as you're busy with your task, you start to hear slight rustling to the left of you.

You tilt your head only slightly, seeing two dark figures in your peripheral, you knew better than to react abruptly so you slowly straighten yourself out facing them your hands up in surrender to show you mean no harm. The two are cautious in their steps as they fully come out of the brush. It's a chimpanzee and Bonobo you observed.

The Bonobo has a defensive stance, a spear at ready and a snarl crossed on his muzzle and the chimp has a hardened scowl on his face and you feel a chill trail down your spine at his green stare but the primatologist in you tells you not to stare him in the eye.

"I mean no harm..just seeking safety.." You softly say, your throbbing leg shaking as you try to balance yourself upright.

"Koba." The chimp holds his palm up in front of the bonobo, the bonobo slowly lowering the spear, his stare hard and calculated as he sizes you up but nevertheless listens to the order given.

You feel your heart stop in your chest as the word hangs in the air, and you're practically breaking at the seams. He's not only a bonobo, but his name is Koba too.. it seems too much like a coincidence to not be him.

"Koba?" You say, signing his name the way you did back when you cared for the baby bonobo. You dropped your hand against your sternum, a circular motion you would reserve only towards the small Koba.

Time seems to hold still and resume after Koba drops on all fours slowly approaching you with an unreadable expression on his face as he stands in front of you, and you notice him extending his palm out.

You remember this motion. He did it as a small one often to you. He was expecting you to respond accordingly so you do. Your fingers slide across his palm.

It was you, after all. His mother.

                             °•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Bonus ending:

You were welcomed by Caesar into the colony after the revelation of your connection to Koba, you were in disbelief of finally getting reunited with your little bonobo and though he was different than what you remember you can still see remnants of the old him.

You came forward to Caesar with your knowledge of rehabilitation to help the other apes in the colony and heal their ailments, he accepted your helping hand concluding that you were now a valuable member of the colony due to your extensive experience and abilities.

Koba was very protective of you and he was in a way jealous of your attention to the other apes, after years of being separated and missing your motherly guidance you were the only human that'll he'll ever hold a torch for.

A growl rumbled from his chest as he watched a male chimp get too close to you for his liking. "Koba, be nice to the others."

"Hmpf."

[thesilvertheorist]

• headcannons 1 (angst) •

Masterlist

angsty headcannons because i like to cry

✁------------------------------------

✦ five can't process emotions well because he's been programmed to ignore his own, bury them deep so even he can't find them. he feels slightly ill when he realises he's feeling happiness/excitement; they feel alien to him, which spurs him into a spiral of guilt and shame

✦ five doesn't like apologies - to him, if you acted against him in the first place, that's a betrayal, and he now can't trust you like he once did [he then proceeds to isolate himself and turn his negativity inwards - spiting himself]

✦ five feels despondent in his own body, ever since the Commission altered it. he avoids mirrors if he can, averting his eyes if he can't. he gets spooked seeing his dopple in '63, eyes tracing the face of the older-looking version of himself, wondering if his feelings match the worn-out dullness of ageing skin and crows feet. this feeling offset a little when five's current body starts to age (although still ridiculously younger than he is) with the passage of linear time in s4. [even going so far as to adpot a 'tache when he's in 'disguise']

✦ five often doubts his figures, during his apocalypse numbers were the only thing he could trust, but now - as he's surrounded by life again, he doubts their integrity and rewrites the same equation over and over looking for a different solution. after coming to the same conclusion, he settles on the fact that he's fucked up and now cant even do simple quadratics.

❺ when five jumped ahead to the apocalypse at 13, he made his way through the city, foraging for anything he could find using a mental map of how he remembered the city, plus scraps of street maps he found at what used to be the bus station. when he jumped back to 2019 at 58, he made his way around the city remembering how it looked in the apocalypse, wondering if he was imagining society functioning as normal again. he inadvertently tested this theory by crossing halfway across a road and almost letting a car hit him, surprised when he felt the rush of wind hit his body and, what must have been, panic in his veins.

✦ he actually hates black coffee...five loved coffee as a pre-teen, he'd sneak out with the others to the diner and sneak coffee with cream and one sugar when he thought he wasn't being watched. when he jumped forward, he couldn't find the coffee he liked or the ingredients to make it, only instant coffee and dry roasted beans. so he made himself a cup as best he could and forced himself to down the gritty, tar-like substance as a form of punishment for landing himself here and killing his family. he drinks black coffee now as a reminder of his shame, and what he needs to fix.

✦ he can't sit still for a full meal, and he feels awful when he can't finish anything that's prepared for him. his stomach is so tightened with stress that he's basically running on fumes and caffeine, he tries to eat at Hotel Oblivion but only really manages a few bites before deciding that the others need the food more than he does.

✦ he has flashbacks constantly. every rime he looks at his siblings, all he can see is images of their dead bodies which he recovered after he jumped forward. he struggles with shaking the images so often that he sometimes has to look anywhere else but at his siblings - which he despises himself for.

✦ he internalises all the 'jokes' that his siblings rattle off to him about his attitude. wondering if they would have been better off without him there to give them shit all the time.

✦ five never wanted to give up fixing the apocalypse/cleanse. he spited himself for it throughout the entire ordeal and took a step back mentally to let his siblings decide his fate. he rationalised that he's the reason their lives are fucked in the first place; they have the right to take his from him. he could never pay his debt.

[prettynalilmagic]

ℙ𝕚𝕔𝕜 𝔸 ℂ𝕒𝕣𝕕: 𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕕𝕠𝕨 𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕜- ℝ𝕖𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟

Decks: Considerate Cat Tarot Vol 2, The Dark Mirror, Tarot of Pagan Cats, The Wild Unknown Archetypes

This reading will be shadow work based on what exactly are we repressing and not aware of. And how to work through it with advice from me and tarot. Take everything as a small guide, tarot is a tool for guidance and not to see or predict the future.

Pile one

First things first, Go get therapy.

"Its not about choosing the chains.

Its about choosing them again and again."

Pile one welcome to your little section. So, I had a theme card for your overall shadow, which was Addicted. At first, I was troubled with finding out exactly what type of addiction was causing you to repress your shadow, and I kept pulling cards and I realized that your shadow is built on way too many situations that come back to your dissatisfaction from your life. Pile One your addicted to hating yourself. You have heavy cards that show me that there’s this feeling of self-inflicted despair. Your shadow emits contempt for life, you hate yourself and honestly hate life overall. The hanged Man in reverse shows me that you grew up very much internally, most of your experiences are based inwardly as you felt left behind on life. Everyone seemed to reject you. Your loved ones, and people who are supposed to be close, turned their backs on you at some point so in turn you did the same. The world rejected you growing up. Life showed you, that you aren’t deserving of love, so you internalized that and have subconsciously clung onto that delusion.

Pile one do you feel like nothing can change you? Nothing can fix you? That things will stay the same or get worse over time? Have you even thought about how you feel about yourself truly? When was the last time you willingly reflected on your own self-image? Do you think there's any motivation for you to live your life beyond what traps you? Going back to your theme card, your repression is very much self-imprisoned. You don’t see you can work through any internal conflict and you in turn have been chaining your own self to depression. Nobody is perfect, that's true, but self-discovery is beautiful however it's also difficult. This won't be an easy task.

Mentally, you’re at rock bottom almost every day. Do you dissociate a lot? Do you even know if you do? Because I recently discovered that I dissociate a whole lot throughout my life and have never known I was doing it. Human brains are truly mind blowing, it can take and hold so much stress and pain, then hide it away from us so when we don’t keep reliving and feeling all that hurt.

Nobody wants to struggle and be depressed, and our brain very much plays a part in helping us hide it away. Chances are you downplay or don’t care to think or consider your own shadow self.

I'm not fit to diagnose, but pile one look into Complex Trauma, C-PTSD, and being Shame Bound. Learn about various types of traumas, habits, and attachment styles on YouTube it will help you get a rough idea on understanding what you need to improve on without using therapy. However, please if you can, look into seeing a psychologist and a therapist.

I know life is super tough as it is for you and you might not be able to afford it but research if there's anything you can afford and if you truly have searched, look into self-help groups online and self-help programs as well. There are free eBooks you can illegally get, pirate that shit. Get a tarot deck for yourself and do shadow work readings. Also please stop reading all the dumbass future partner and next lover readings, invest love into your own damn self before investing it onto some person you most likely haven’t even met or aren’t going to meet. Sorry it's a pet peeve of mine. Chances are you’re reading this on your phone or computer, get on the notes app and write out that little ass of yours. Please there’s still so many ways to make your own mental stability easier on yourself. There's so much stuff you can do if you truly look into it, I recommend watching Patrick Teahan, Heidi Priebe, Psych2Go, and Kati Morton, they're my personal favorite therapy youtubers, and they can help you.

Okay going back to the cards, and not my own personal input, the hanged man in reversed also shows me that it was your environment growing up that has formed you into who you are. Life for you looked like everything was so big and almost outta reach for you to grasp, but you’re still here, you have developed habits that has made growing up easier, you learn to get by.

Which leads me to the present, you got the 9 of cups, meaning that your experiences have made you who you are. It ties back to all those built of moments of isolation and lack of love for yourself that you grew up with. Obviously when we grow up knowing others are treating or making you feel some type of way, you take from that and build your mindset on all those experiences.

This hatred is what we use to get by and we build ourselves up to work with our hatred. You know you felt like you are replaceable or have a deep fear of being left behind, we go outta our way to justify being the ones to leave others and replace other people with anything else to get that same feeling, until the same trigger happens. It's a never-ending cycle and growing up it can actually be helpful. As a child we only experienced all the heavy emotions and were not shown consistent or significant amount of effort for our needs, so we learn to not expect that and run away from anything that triggers that little child in you. No one was there to show love so obviously unhealthy habits and mindsets get developed and grow up with us and only gets worse and worse as time flies by. Pile one, you are depressed and hopeless but cheer up, just because your life hasn’t been the best does not equate to that being a set-in stone reality for the rest of your life.

You can make your own life better; the daughter of cups reverse shows me that there's this desire to play around with stuff, just do it. Stop thinking about it, do it. Fuck shit up, stop being afraid of messing stuff up, you think the ones who have hurt you stopped when they were making you feel not cared for or loved? Nope, so just have fun.

Do that fun hobby idea you been thinking about. Get messy with life, even if it is creating something very sloppy. You want to express yourself some type of way but feel like you shouldn’t? Well just do it, even if you feel like a joke or an idiot just try it and see how it feels. Even if you don’t necessarily want to do something or show off a different look or skill, and your more so afraid of making mistakes and not being perfect, just push that thought to the back of your head.

If you spill your drink and make a mess, guess what you can clean it up, you don't have to get mad at yourself or at the drink. Shit happens, and why should you submerge yourself into all the small things with these big emotions like anger and sadness. Relax and rest those pretty eyes. Which goes into your last main card, Four of Swords. Again, relax for once, don’t guilt yourself. Everyone who has it easy, allows themself to relax from time. Even if they don’t doesn't mean that you should do the same thing. Have fun, learn more about who you are and why you are here. There’s so much self-sabotage that goes unnoticed by everyone.

Learn from yourself, thank who you had to become to get to here, and learn how to work past that when that shadow side doesn't help you anymore. You don’t have to 100% love yourself to overcome your shadow. Because here’s the thing, you’re not overcoming it, you’re learning to accept it and work with it to do better. Your shadow is who you are and use it to your ability to grow. Pile one get outta here and watch some therapy videos pls, you will be happier even for just a second.

Pile Two

"What I can't have forever, I will have for a minute. What I can't have for a minute, I will hold to me for one second."

Hello pile two, welcome to your pile. I assume for the most part your shadow is not something you shy away from because quite frankly there's not a significant amount of repression that is being displayed; I feel like this kind of shifted into a little bit of a motivational reading from your guides to tell you about one specific flaw in you rather to tackle down one serious hindering issue.

You guys got two theme cards for your theme of the overall shadow side that you're repressing. I pulled Masquerade and Queen of my world, for you pile two. Both cards have one thing in common. Both are attached to the word Bargain. Which tells me that you tend to do the most to procrastinate the process of bad emotions or habits. Masquerade is all about living in the moment and doing everything in your power to savor and dwell into the fleeting moments you so desperately want to hold onto and stick to. Queen of my world is all about holding onto a facade that hinders the possibility of being seen as anything other than graceful and powerful. You also pulled the daughter of wands in reversed. Which tells me that you procrastinate as well, and you can honestly be very disorderly as well.

You repress your shadow self because of how uncomfortable you are for being seen as who you wish you could be.

You know when we live our whole lives trying to maintain a certain image, it can be so hard and honestly draining. It makes sense why you want to slack off and just live in the moment because maintaining the way you think you have to come off to other people is very draining and if you think about it, your facade is stressful weather you are or aren't aware of it. Having live off of short moments and a false persona is only going to fulfill you for so long, do you think pretending to be stronger, smarter, or fiercer than you really going to stop you from embracing your true inner strength? Because aren't you tired of always having to consistently perform? I don't know if you are even doing it for yourself because doing that for so long will tire you out and make you unsure of who you are deep down.

Pile two, I did pull the son of cups. Which is a very charming and very appealing person to be around, this just reinforces that you will be this at all times for everyone and everything. Given that this is the card that's supposed to represent your present reality, I believe that you are a very much cookie cutter desired person. Someone who is always on top of how you appear as. All I see is that there's this big grand facade of being this person that is so desirable and welcoming. Everyone wants to present themselves in a good light to an extent but for you pile two it's very apparent that this isn't a want for you, it is a need and you do whatever needs to be done to be this beautiful picture-perfect version of yourself, but your human, so guess what? You are at a point where you have to chill out and learn to be yourself, not the ideal version at all times. It's okay to not be what everyone else wants you to be, or what your parents want you to be or whoever else you want to idealize you. You're a human, you're only capable of so much, you're flawed, and you can want to do or partake in things that are different from what should be expected from you. 

I pulled The High Priestess in reversed for you as clarification for Son of Cups.  Which tells me that you are a very spiritual person, which would make sense, you are reading a tarot reading. Besides that, it brings up to light that your inner self is not being done justice.

Do you even understand who you truly are? Not what you think you have to be to maintain approval.

This facade habit is not aligned with your highest potential. Because face it, do you think you will be happy for the rest of your life pretending to be something that isn't the real you? Just because others think you will be does not make that idea a reality, stop deceiving your true potential.

I don't want to assume but my guess is you may or may not have immigrant parents that have kind of forced this urgency to be a certain way to please them. At the end of the day, you know how you want to be or wish to be. If you don't relate to that portion obviously disregard it, it could be anything from grades, skills, and appearance. Maybe it's a controlling figure, which could be a lover or a person in power over you causing you to feel like you cannot be authentically yourself. 

The next card for you is Chariot, which is all about heading straight to where you want to be. Who you want to be. Nobody is going to be able to do it for you. You have built a wonderful mask for yourself for so long that it'll be hard to take it off and learn what you look like when you aren't wearing one. It will be unnatural to you at first, but you will get used to it. You got this pile two. I hope the best for you beautiful. 

Pile Three

"I cannot recognize myself. But I'm still me."

Welcome to your reading Pile three. I pulled two oracle cards; Downcast Pride and Is this Me, which the purpose is to reflect on the main themes of your reading. Is this Me is associated with the last stage the Dark Mirrors Oracle grief cycle, which the stage of acceptance, whereas Downcast Pride is associated with the depression stage.

Which brings up the primary point- your shadow self that is being repressed, is your own lack of attachment to joy or fulfillment for your life. This pile does remind me a lot about pile one, as both were attached to the stage of depression. There's been this emptiness in our lives for so long, that we become very dull in life and don't bother to work or see things in a way outside of that empty feeling. Yet, on contrast to pile one, pile three is more so at the phrase of depression morphing into the stage of acceptance. Pile three has wisdom and more insight compared to both previous piles. Pile three you have this inward recognition that everyone is within means of having the capacity to alter your method of thinking and act based on that. You're the more self-aware pile so congratulations on that. I got the High Priestess reversed, Nine of Cups reversed, and Two of Swords as the cards to represent what is being repressed from your past. Nine of Cups was the overall main card for the first question and when it's in reversed I read it as dissatisfaction despite all the opportunities that have been given to us. Perhaps, we overestimated what should be given or granted to us and are disappointed that we don't feel satisfied even if our needs have generally been met. In other words, even though you didn't have the worst hand in life, you're not content. It's possible, you have taken your status, or a piece of your own identity for granted. Given the length of time we have used certain facets of our identity for so long, or maybe even briefly; our perspective of our identity can very much be impacted with that facet we once were attached to and what we used to represent. And it also plays a significant role in preserving our happiness and contentment. Now, this "opportunity" or fragment of identify has gotten away as time gives space for it to vanish off. Life is all about change, it's difficult to accept yet we can't and shouldn't allow it to dictate our personal fulfillment. Change is devasting but so is self-pity, a little self-pity is healthy for you, too much is detrimental for us to expand ourselves onto newer and better things. This could mean anything, such as growing up thin and gorgeous. Years go by and now you've gained more weight than you like, eyes have become dull and wrinkly skin has formed in the corners of your eyes, forehead, arms and almost your entire body. Maybe you're blaming yourself for not earning as much money or for not being able to get the same level of love, appreciation or attention from other people. It could be anything—even a passion that ignited a fire in your life that has gradually faded over time. (Mind you, I am not saying that if you picked pile three you have to be old enough to be worrying about wrinkles or having to make more money from the previous year, any age group could pick this. School, family and mental/physical illnesses can be factors as well not just time itself.) Two of Swords also brings up a different point, that highlights being at a standoff with decision-making. Pile three, did you make a lot of decisions based off of what someone else told you was better or what would best suit someone else? Two of swords displays a lot of lack of self-assurance and I think that part of your fulfillment that's displayed from Downcast Pride roots from not being more assertive in your own personal decisions. The High Priestess is a very spiritual card, and as it is included in the spread's earlier sections, I interpret this to mean that either an inner wisdom has been present but has been clouded by the lack of purpose and achievement. You have potential, but with all this chaotic energy, you have suppressed a lot of this fulfillment. Even after all this time has passed and you still feel as though you are in the same place in life. How come you never knew or tried to figure out what you wanted to do? You're not content and have felt like happiness and fulfillment hasn't been present in life. Pile three, it has to feel devastating for you.

Another way that I’m reading the high priestess is that the high priestess is all about our inner calling and inner wisdom. Based on the other two cards, I would say that this is what is blocking off all this magical, inner wisdom being brought up. Meaning, we must solve our own issues to let our inner voice be shined. Seek assistance from anyone or any place that might help you becoming more aware of your inner reality.

You also got the Son of Cups and Judgement reversed. Which just reinforces what I said the previous paragraph. Son of Cups represents a charming and idealistic person that everyone loves and desires. Whilst Judgement reversed is highlighting missed opportunities and failure. Failure to be the Sun of Cups. Failure to grow past who you used to be.

Mourn your past. Accept it’s not with you anymore. Move on so you can grow. I am aware it’s easier said than done, but it still needs to be addressed.

Lamenting over who you wish you still were, or where you want to be is rather pointless. Stop wishing for something thats now unattainable for you. Look for the new you, answers and solutions for yourself. Morph into something better so that the old you would’ve been jealous of new present you. When you think about it, it’s actually good that some things cannot be changed because then there’s a plethora of options for growth and numerous outcomes for who we can be.

Now, I pulled Father of Swords, for advice for you to help you work through accepting your shadow self. This card is pretty straightforward, Father of Swords is a very authoritative and is someone who strives onward. He’s also someone who’s very logical and knows that in order for blessings we have to work and set ourselves up for blessings. He does what he has to do to get to where he wants to be. He dosn’t live in the past, he lives in the present while working for the future. Spirt wants me to tell you to do the same so you can work through your repression of your shadow.

[skyfallscotland]

Twisted Love, by Ana Huang 📷

“I never claimed to be Prince Charming, and my love isn’t a fairy-tale type of love. I’m a fucked-up person with fucked-up morals. I won’t write you poems or serenade you beneath the moonlight. But you are the only woman I have eyes for."

I was so close to DNF'ing this, and honestly, I hate-read my way to the end. It's a shame really, because I feel like Huang isn't a bad writer per se, but her characters are completely intolerable (to me) and she needed to make better choices about what was included in this book.

Firstly, this book has every trope you could possibly imagine and I am not exaggerating. This is every wattpad story ever written crammed into one (too long tbh) book. Brother's best friend, grumpy-sunshine, billionaire CEO who doesn't like anyone else, crazy ex-boyfriend, one bed, family members out for your money, family members who wanted to kill you, oh shit actually you're adopted—everything. EVERYTHING. It's too much.

And even if we put that aside...let's move onto the characters.

Ava: the girl with so much trauma she has night terrors and a mysterious past she can't remember, whose father acts like he hates her, whose ex stalks and manhandles her, and oh yeah, she's SO nice and SO happy and just the BEST PERSON EVER all the fucking time, because none of that affected her. At all. ✔️ Check.

Alex: What isn't Alex Volkov? No seriously, what can't he do? And that's not a compliment.

He drove the same way he walked, talked, and breathed—steady and controlled, with an undercurrent of danger warning those foolish enough to contemplate crossing him that doing so would be their death sentence.

Alex’s parents had died when he was young and left him a pile of money he’d quadrupled the value of when he came into his inheritance at age eighteen. Not that he’d needed it, because he’d invented a new financial modeling software in high school that made him a multimillionaire before he could vote. With an IQ of 160, Alex Volkov was a genius, or close to it. He was the only person in Thayer’s history to complete its five-year joint undergrad/ MBA program in three years, and at age twenty-six, he was the COO of one of the most successful real estate development companies in the country. He was a legend, and he knew it.

“I’m not bragging. I have hyperthymesia, or HSAM. Highly superior autobiographical memory. Look it up.”

Stop. Please, I'm begging you.

And if you thought that might have just been her thoughts about him, well...

I didn’t do sweet nothings or lovemaking. I fucked a certain way, and only a specific type of woman was into that shit. Not hard-core BDSM, but not soft. No kissing, no face-to-face contact. Women agreed, then tried to change it up halfway through, after which I’d stop and show them the door.

You like to take a woman from behind and throw in some dirty talk and degradation babe, it's really not that deep 🥴

It's giving ✨i'm not like other guys✨

So anyway after we filter through at least 3178920 predictable plots and sideplots and just sideways journeys that didn't really need to be in here, finally we get to a third-act breakup (his choice) after which he decides he doesn't like (his choice) and decides to stalk her. For over a year.

“I’ll file a restraining order against you. Have you arrested for stalking.” “You can try, but I can’t guarantee my friends in the British government will comply.” His face darkened. “And if you think I’m leaving you alone and unprotected anywhere, you don’t know me at all.”

Ummm bro, the only danger to her here is you, are you kidding me? And sunny old Ava who was literally stalked by her last boyfriend (and it was a whole damn plot point) is like you know what, I love this guy who's stalking me! I'll give him another chance! Sure!

But wait, wait, wait, only after he serenades her with a love song. I'm not kidding. Oh, and you guessed it—voice of an angel, because there's nothing Alex Volkov can't do.

Personally I feel like ten years have passed since I picked up this book yesterday and some chick was stranded in the rain on the side of the road.

Also, minus ten points for

thick, and hard as a steel pipe—

Just...no. Just no.

I'd love to have something more positive to say but I really don't have anything. The side characters were more tolerable than the main characters and that's the only reason I'm wondering if I should subject myself to the next book in the series, but honestly? I really don't think I can. I wish I'd picked up one of the fanfics on my TBR instead 😶

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same

i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense

i'm five months sober now

i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes

i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired

somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why

once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school

for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake

same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow

this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel

i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again

my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend

im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really

i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.

being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever

ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was

therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul

im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always

let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.

bye for now

[bnhaobservation]

I don't understand why some fans, not all mind you, think that Shouto should be this abuse rights activist. I have seen takes about him not doing anything, how he didn't save Touya and Rei, and that he doesn't care. (He abandoned his family) but he spent most of his teen years trapped in that hellish family, so should he go back in? He never smiled that big around them, which sucks but he seems more happy with his friends. Which shocked some fans that his story ended with the class and not his family, I guess because his goal was to reconnect with them. Also it's Hori fault for putting Rei with Enji again, making her passive once more and it's his fault he is killed off Touya. I guess they expected the hero of the family to do more since that title was given to him but the family broke apart anyway and not even Shouto nor Touya could fix it. What do you think? I also hate how much was given to Ochako with her new quirk counseling program because now you run into people asking why Shouto or even Izuku isn't helping society like her. (Some fans do not like that Izuku is a teacher btw as this has nothing to do with Tenko I am told.)

Hum… you mean human rights activist, right? Because I don’t see how could a sweet and caring soul like Shouto promote or defend abuse…

Now… first of all sorry for the late reply but I lost count of how many times I rewrote my answer to you writing things in details about canons and interpretations but none of my answers felt satisfying to me so I’ll try again and I’ll try to stay short.

The reason why I rewrote my reply so many times is I’m not really sure what you want me to say.

I’ve read many meta from other people, people who has the same opinion as me and people who has the opposite opinion as me, I do reblog the ones that to me look the best even when I don’t necessarily agree with them because I do think their opinion is well articulated and interesting enough to be worth being read.

This gives me an idea of why they think the same or different from me… but I can’t really speak for all the fandom so I can’t tell you why person X thinks that.

My suggestion, if you really want to understand why people think differently from you, is to read their meta or ask them for explanations if they don’t write meta… or just accept that sometimes we’ve to agree to disagree.

If you want a list of the things I think can cause different readers to have different opinions, here it is:

You explains some things happening in the story using a Doylist explanation, as in giving explanations outside the story with particular attention to the author's intentions (ex: it’s Horikoshi’s fault if Rei goes with Enji) and others giving a Watsonian explanation, as in giving explanations in-story that function function within the logic of the narrative (Shouto shouldn’t go back to his family because he never smiled there while he’s happier with his friends).

Some people just prefer to use Watsonian explanations for everything (ex: Rei went back with Enji because she’s passive) or the Doylist explanation for everything (ex: it’s Horikoshi’s fault Shouto didn’t go back to his family).

Always in regard to Horikoshi, he wrote a story for Japanese readers meant to fit with his culture. He’s responsible of all the characters do, the good and the bad, having Shouto do this or Rei do that. Part of his message goes messed up because if you’re not Japanese you’re going to miss some important cultural bits that are tied to why he has the characters do the things they do. Also Horikoshi retconned the story plenty of times and was overworked so he was bound to make mistakes and create expectations he wasn’t going to fulfill.

This means who is trying to give a Watsonian explanation of why things go in a certain way (aka why the characters decided to do this or that) is going to crash into troubles if his culture isn’t the same as Horikoshi (ex: in Japan divorce is highly stigmatized, the woman is blamed for it and the shame will fall on the children too… never mentioning is very difficult to obtain it if the husband doesn’t agree and Rei would have risked losing custody of her children… hence her going back with an Enji who claims he won’t be abusive anymore isn’t her just being passive, or Horikoshi forcing her, it’s just divorce wasn’t a solution she could employ) or if we try to work a logical situation on things that were retconned (ex: Rei tells her mother she’s scared mainly of Shouto when it was Touya the one who creeped her out).

Also, as readers we also deal with translation problems that lead us to think differently from what the original text intended and, according to which translation you’re reading, you can come to different conclusions (ex: in the official English version Rei claims she wants Shouto to be happy, save people and continue his life without being tied down by anything. Another possible translation to that sentence is she tells Shouto it would be her salvation and happiness if he were to continue his life without being tied down by anything… as you can see the meaning chance as in the first version she’s basically telling him not to worry about her and live his life, in the second that he’ll save her by living his life).

We also have expectations that make sense for our culture but not necessarily for Horikoshi (ex: the fandom expected Hawks would be punished for killing Twice and that Enji would be punished after it turned out what he did to his family… but this wouldn’t be the case in Japan).

In addition to this there are narrative devices to which readers are or aren’t familiar with and that they end up expecting to be used in the story because if they aren’t the meaning of the story change.

The perception of the ending (Uraraka and her Quirk counseling project, Midoriya becoming a teacher, Shouto being a Hero and taking up how to make eating utensil) was impacted by the lack of use of two important narrative devices.

The first one for example is that when someone fails to save someone, this will have consequences on his life and change said character or his life and this is proof that he was effected by such death (and if this doesn’t happen it’s taken as a meaning he wasn’t effected) and, at the same time, that such death was necessary to generate such change.

Of the three over mentioned characters, only Uraraka seems to focus on something that’s connected to the death of her Villain, the other two don’t. Hence some fans don’t like it due to THIS narrative problem that influences they Watsonian explanation.

The second one is even more important and it’s foreshadowing. When a twist is not properly foreshadowed it’s often accused to be an ‘ass pull’ (not my words this is the ‘technical’ name).

For none of the three it was foreshadowed what they would do, we’ve no idea how Uraraka figured out Quirk counseling had been one of Himiko’s problems, as when Quirk counseling was first introduced by Midnight she presented it as something positive that would have avoided Tomura to become a Villain, and it was only the MLA who criticized it, for Midoriya it was never showed he had an interest in teaching and to justify it Horikoshi had Midoriya claim it was Mawata Fuwa who inspired him in chapter 425… which is way too later, for Shouto it was never shown he has interest in something else that wasn’t being Hero or talent in making eating utensils and it was explained his sudden interest came suddenly while he was praying at Touya’s altar, as if Touya’s spirit has suggested it to him. So it’s not that what they decide to do is bad per se, it’s it feels like it came out of nowhere and this can upset many.

Then there are cases of fans not remembering canon right (ex: people claiming Natsuo was born BEFORE Touya started to burn or that it was solely Rei’s idea to have Fuyumi), using anime canon instead than manga canon (ex: in the manga it was said when Touya escaped from the orphanage his flames were quickly disposed by Sun-sun Haruaki and no real harm was done so that the police didn’t even notice it… in the anime the whole place seems to take fire and it’s hard to imagine the fire escaped to the attentions of worried neighbors, firemen and the police as well as that it made no harm to the kids inside) or deciding to interpret it in a way or in another when canon is vague (ex: the whole case of Shouto deciding to remain in the dormitories is due to people deciding to use the vagueness of canon to claim Shouto won’t return home).

There’s plenty more, of course, but I think this might give you a starting idea on why we have opinions about facts in the story that are often wildly different… and sometimes wildly different opinions might even be equally valid because based on tastes or on how canon is vague so everyone is free to interpret it as they prefer.

So again, if you want to understand why someone think differently from you, they’re the best source of that information… if their reason still doesn’t make sense to you, my humble suggestion is to just agree to disagree. We aren’t all the same and that’s what makes the world interesting.

Sorry if I couldn’t really give you the answer you were hoping for. If you want to pick up one of the topics you mentioned and know my opinion I’ve no problems sharing it, I’ve fun doing so but if you want me to tell you why other think this or that, I’m really at loss and not the right source for this info. Sorry again and thank you for your ask!

[esoteric-chaos]

Disability-Friendly Prosperity Magic

So let's face it, those who are disabled have a hard time with money in general, either from being unable to work or not having a steady, strong source of income. Sometimes we can monetize our hobbies, admittedly at a limited capacity (some less or more than others).

From our relationship with money, money mindsets, and income streams, it's hard. That's not to shame anyone, either. Some overspend to cope, while others are incredibly frugal.

In this post, I will review some resources, tips, and tricks for the struggling disabled witch.

The Mundane Before Magical

Step one is to make a budget and track your expenses. I'm serious. Sit down, look at where your money is going, and decide on a budget that you can realistically stick to. I use the 50/30/20 rule as a budget, which is 50% Needs, 30% Wants, and 20% Savings. However, I recently switched wants and savings around so I can save for a trip.

Now I do not want you to worry about a big fancy budget method. I don't want you to overthink it. Here is a resource (Canada, but it can be used in the USA) to start one. Focus on your needs like housing, utilities, basic clothing, food, etc. Then go into wants and entertainment, and finally, savings. I suggest you put any debt payoff into the needs category if you have any debt. You do not want a blow to your credit report.

Now do you have any financial goals? Going back to school? Debt payoff? A trip? Even a big medical trip coming up? Here is a resource (Canada, but it can be used in the USA) that can help you create a goal and a plan to pay this off.

Savings, please, your SAVINGS. It is vital to have an emergency fund. Job loss? Death? Vet bills? Children? Dentist? You better believe that piles up. It is recommended if you are single to have at least 3 months of income saved up, with a child and single at least 6 months. Married on two incomes, the same amount. Married with one income, it is recommended without children at least 6 months saved up and with children 9 months. It is vital you have the means to take care of yourself if an emergency strikes. It is never recommended that money be stopped from being put into these accounts.

If you are in debt, look at your debt relief options. Sometimes there are services out there that can advocate for you regarding debt. They will help you develop a plan, understand the relief options, sign documents with you, and develop a credit rebuilding program. These services are out there; even if they are paid, they can help you pay off some of your debt, especially credit card debt.

Educate yourself on investing, basic investing, and financial literacy, in stock markets and everything beyond. Know what kind of accounts you can hold and what could help you in your situation.

Need help applying for disability? Here's a resource for the USA (a lot can also be used for Canada).

The Magical

Upkeep a prosperity altar. Work with the spirit of money like you would any other spirit. Honour it, talk to it, venerate it. Money loves to be valued, moved, not wasted, and used in charity. Most importantly, money takes time. Money takes time to grow and build a relationship with.

This is the most important thing I've learned about money. It wants to be worked with. It's sitting there. It wants to help and aid you in ways that you need.

Work with this altar on Thursdays, incorporating the spirit of Jupiter. Jupiter rules over finances. Long steady finances, not quick finances. Jupiter rules over business, legal and all things finances. Jupiter is a slower-moving planet.

You can also incorporate the spirit of Mercury on Wednesdays along with your Jupiter workings. Mercury is a fast-moving planet, a planet for fast-moving money. However, you must build a long, steady form of finances over quick, easy cash (but sometimes you do need it right now).

You can create a money bowl and work with it on this altar, a Jupiter cashbox (I will make a future post on this), or a manifestation mirror box filled with petitions, sigils and your investment/banking information.

Fill your altar with greens and gold, imagery for wealth and abundance, pocket change, and anything else that symbolizes wealth.

Do not forget to leave offerings for your money altar. A simple glass of water can do but try to do more if you can.

Road opener workings or petition with an offering for the cross-road spirits who can unblock blockages in your way.

Final Take Away

I know this might not help everyone, but I sincerely hope this helps somebody. Financial literacy was not taught to everyone, nor were proper budgeting tips. I wanted to share what I've learned over the years as I believe it is vital information for some of the information I have collected.

Blessings

[fandom-shitposter]

Tech logic

I appreciate that fandom doesn’t always lend itself well towards logic, emotions run high and get in the way of detached thought, but it’s overdue in this case

When Tech chose to fall he was on Eriadu, but that’s not a location under Hemlock’s control. We know this because Tarkin has a good bitch at him when he turns up late for the meeting there

Hemlock may have had Tech’s goggles in his possession later on, but it wouldn’t have been *his* people who went looking around the site of the monorail collapse, it would have been Tarkin’s

Tarkin makes it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t piss down Hemlock’s throat if his lungs were on fire, so he certainly wouldn’t have handed him anything that he thought he might have been able to gain any sort of advantage from, regardless of the condition it was in

So he gets the smashed up goggles and a ‘that was all we could salvage, such a shame. Anyway’ and gets packed off back to Tantiss

Not only does Tarkin dislike Hemlock but he couldn’t care less for the project he’s working on, he’s solely focused on his own work and considers Hemlock’s an unnecessary drain on the limited funding available

That doesn’t help to clear up where Tech is now, but he was never in Hemlock’s possession

***

But if Hemlock didn’t have Tech how come CX-2 used the same words and cadence when he talked?

For the same reason so many of the Knights of Ren background CX units had so many of Tech’s design features, with goggles, visors, and helmet shaping repeating amongst the crowd

Distraction and fan baiting, for the sadistic joy of stringing people along until the last possible moment and then spitting in your eye. To make you think that Tech is gone with zero hope of ever returning. To try to put off any fans who've shown themselves to be getting close to working it all out

But CX-2 sounded like Tech for the exact same reason Tech sounds like Tech. Because that’s the way he'd been programmed to speak. Which is also the reason Omega speaks with a space NZ accent

Just because all of the focus on reprogramming clones is put on Crosshair, the CX units, and Hunter (briefly) doesn’t mean it doesn’t go back much much further than that, back to before we ever met CF99. Hemlock is using the technology and data the Empire took from Kamino. The progress on his projects only stalls once Nala Se stops assisting him

Experimental Clone Force 99. Emphasis on the Experimental. Just because they give us a few details about one aspect of that work doesn’t mean they told us everything

Just like Hemlock juggling multiple projects on Tantiss, Nala Se was doing the same thing under Kamino, with her own female clone medical assistant by her side. And on Bora Vio before that

***

This show has taken scenes from multiple other franchises all the way back to the Clone Wars arc, but what it uses most of all is The Lord of the Rings & The Hobbit

They keep repeating an overhead circle motif – a ring or a set of concentric rings. Coming back to it more and more often the closer to the end we get. It even appears as a design on the shoulder of a street seller on Pabu in the finale

CF99 dying with Tech is the SW equivalent to the Fellowship of the Ring being broken. They’re no longer together but the quest goes on regardless. Just with a focus on some of the other characters and in a show we won't be supposed to think is related to Tech because it isn’t a clone centric show

Not only is Tech still vital to the resolution of the bigger story, but there’s still so much plot that's been set up and then left hanging, and they continued to set up new things to come back to later on right up to the finale episode so it’s clear that this story is far from over

There may not be any more clone based shows, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be shows with clones in them. Like Rebels. That wasn’t clone centric, but they were still a key part of the overall story

[cute-na-kareshi]

Today’s love is for… Goro!

For day six of sending loving anons to other jirais every day until Christmas I’ve chosen you! I’m staring to get really worried I’ve sent two asks to the same person so from today on I’m going to start writing peoples names at the top and screenshotting before I send. I should have really thought this out beforehand god. Like I feel I’ve already done you before but like I do think you are extra cute. Every jirai deserves ten times my love, pass this affection on to your moots idk (Idm do what you like, feel no obligation to reply to this post in any way, but no one’s don’t that yet and I would really like it, no pressure, sorry)

Remember your scars are as beautiful as you! I don’t want anyone to hurt themselves further, but I must say the stars and hearts thing is so poetic. But it’s also never a requirement, it’s a shame we’re not in a manga and we can’t see the stars and hearts that surround you when you truthfully smile!

(Sorry was that weird or sad or cringe)

I deeply appreciate your popular post mentioning how people might be intimidated by jirais, the way you summarised our community make me feel so welcome. And I heard you think gnc jirais are neat, and though I have no jirai or even cute clothes I do look pretty gnc so I hope it’s good to hear how many of us are out there, like I wanna be trans at some point. Oh and I love a cutesy masc too!

Also the colourful gradient on your texts is so nice to look at, I don’t know how to do it myself. Though I’m sure others do it, yours is consistent and recognisable ig, it’s clear that is you specifically, and it shows what isn’t a reblog when scrolling your blog. Also I love how you’ve been reblogging such pretty things! The whole design of your blog is very nice, what a dear little doll, if you don’t mind me saying :)))))))))))))

Thank you for reading! This was the advent jirai, though it’s not a solid title since no one seems to be aware I’m doing this yet. I’ll still reveal my identity on christmSHOOT WAOT DID I NOT HAVE MYSELF SET AS ANON THIS WHOLE TIME IS THAT WHY NO ONE HAS BEEN RESPONDING OH NO NO NO :((((((((((( sorry uh Thanks for reading!

oh anon . . this is so unfathomably sweet, thank you so much . . to be complimented in such a way by a fellow jirai is an honour, to say the least . . thank you, i'll be forever appreciative of you ♡

ah, thank you so much . . though i often look over older posts and find them a bit stupid, i find that expressing my sorrows in a way that is as eloquent as possible truly does help me rearrange the thoughts running rampant in my head . . . it's an oddly comforting thing, no ? despite not posting pictures of myself on here [a result of not owning any girly kei clothes and being a person succumbing to illness], after seeing the love you've expressed for them, i may rectify that . . ♡ you're not cringey in any sense, don't worry, anon ♡

i believe the post you're talking about was one i made when particularly frustrated by people claiming that jirai kei was a toxic place — though it certainly isn't a community i'd welcome anyone who's stable into, it isn't as inherently bad as people make it out to be . . i'm glad that both that post and the gnc jirai post resonated with you ♡ the happiness of others is in my best interest, after all ♡

i want my gradient text to be a sort of 'trademark' aspect of my blog, if that makes much sense . . . i want to be recognised .! (╥﹏╥) . . though it really isn't as hard as it seems .!! it's just a bit of HTML, which is something i adore . . an internet entity should know how to program at the very least, no ? thank you so much, it truly means the world to me .!!

it's an honour to [hopefully] be the first to reply, anon .! i can't seem to decipher who you are based on typing style alone, sadly . . but i'll definitely remember to send you love once your identity is revealed ♡ you truly are some kind of angel . .

thank you so much for your kind words, anon ♡ they're truly invaluble to me ♡

[amnestria-the-elf]

I had a dream that my 77-year-old mother was isekai'ed into BG3, so of course I had to write a small little ditty about it.

To be clear, my mother would make a terrible Tav. She has no interest in fantasy or sci-fi and spends the majority of her time on Facebook. Being outside is her least favorite activity. Her favorite TV show is one of the Sunday morning news programs (I have no idea which, because I have not watched broadcast television since 2012, but she definitely tells me about the stories they have on that show all the time.) She is not a decisive person; she was raised in the toxic traditional gender role post-war Boomer era, and is perfectly fine to let others dictate how her life turns out.

Having said all of that, she'd make a decent Bard. For a sweet-looking older lady, she can come up with some surprisingly sick burns. Probably all of that repressed rage that she refuses to get therapy about. Anyway.

*~~~*

Linda was far too old for this shit.

Other women her age spent their time knitting, or going to their little exercise classes, or watching their soaps, or swapping stories about their grandchildren, or writing interesting Facebook posts. God, she missed writing Facebook posts.

But not Linda. Oh, no. Linda had somehow gotten pulled into a horrifying universe and had some kind of parasite inserted in her head, and now found herself surrounded by an unlikely band of misfits who shared the same affliction.

Perhaps she was having a psychotic break. Maybe she was really back home and her daughter had placed her in some kind of institution because she was entirely unresponsive. Honestly, she hoped that was true, but her back hurt like hell and every wound she sustained bled real blood, and that odd little Goth girl had to heal her every time, so she was reasonably certain that what was happening was real.

She was getting better at not getting wounded as often, at least. She learned that she was of better use to the group when she stayed in the back and just yelled insults at the enemies while everyone else did their thing. The angry alien lady seemed perfectly happy to take her rage out on anyone in her way and that disturbingly pale elf did well with his little bow and arrow. He really needed to get some color into his cheeks; he’d never find someone to be with looking like that. If only she could go to Walgreens and get him some bronzer. It would do him a world of good.

The magical bearded man did a surprisingly good job of cooking their meals. Linda tried to help but quickly realized she had no idea how to cook over an open fire. She longed to be back in her newly-remodeled kitchen, with the induction cooktop and smart fridge that automatically reordered her groceries for her. How did any of these people even function without wifi? They would never get to see the funny cat videos that she sent her daughter every day. Such a shame.

The most helpful companion was the heroic young man who had jumped down to fight the goblins in front of the Grove. What was his name? Will? No, Wyll with a “Y.” She remembered the odd little Goth girl teasing him about it. He had been so good with those little horned children after the fight. Her granddaughter would love playing with him.

Tears stung at her eyes as she thought about her granddaughter. Would she ever get to see her again? She sighed heavily as she stared down into her bowl of porridge.

“Are you alright?” a kind voice asked.

Linda looked up to see Wyll coming to sit down on the log next to her with his own bowl of porridge.

“Oh, yes, I’m fine. I was just thinking about my granddaughter,” she said.

“Oh, you have a granddaughter?” Wyll asked. “What is she like?”

“She’s about the same age as those kids you were training back in the Grove. I think she’d like you, actually. She’s very active. She tears around the house as fast as she can, slaying imaginary dragons or pretending to be a lion.”

Wyll laughed. “A courageous heart, no doubt. I hope I can meet her someday.”

Linda sighed wistfully again. “She lives… very far away from here.”

He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You must miss her very much.”

“Yes,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes again.

“Istik, enough sniveling,” that angry alien lady interrupted. “We must find the creche today. Purification cannot wait.”

“Give her a break, Lae’zel,” Wyll said. “She misses her family.”

“Tch,” Lae’zel said with an eye roll, but walked away.

“We don’t have to listen to her, you know,” Wyll said when Lae’zel was out of earshot. “You can choose what we do today.”

“I don’t know what we should do,” she replied. “You decide.”

Wyll frowned. “Well, the area where the githyanki were spotted is not far from a little settlement, Waukeen’s rest. There might be a healer staying at the inn there. It’s a longshot, but…”

“That sounds fine,” Linda said. “Lead the way.”

*~~~*

The burning building put Linda over the edge. No way could she handle rushing into flames and smoke to save somebody. Let the young people kick in doors and risk life and limb. Wyll seemed very proud of himself as he rushed in, so Linda just sat down on the edge of the fountain with a soft groan. Minutes passed; she started to worry that perhaps they weren’t going to come back out when a group of sweaty, sooty people stumbled out, coughing. 

When it became clear that Wyll was actually the son of a Grand Duke, Linda’s mind was made up.

“That’s it, Wyll. From now on, you’re in charge,” she said.

“I’m… what?” he asked, bewildered.

“In charge. You make the decisions. I’m done,” she said.

“Um, you’re sure? I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes…”

“I’m sure. I don’t think any of the others can handle it. Magic man talks too much–”

“Magic man?” Wyll asked, the corners of his mouth twitching.

“I’m not good with names!” Linda snapped. “The pale one is too whiny and these two–” she gestured to Lae’zel and Shadowheart– “won’t quit fighting. That leaves you. Help me. Please.”

Lae’zel and Shadowheart both started to grumble, but Linda cut them off with a withering glare honed by years of experience taking care of children and a husband. Wyll eyed them, then nodded and took a deep breath. “All right. I’ll take charge. And make sure everyone gets what they need,” he said pointedly towards the others.

Good. Let Wyll do whatever needs to be done. From here on out, Linda was staying at camp.

[shot0fgin]

& i just wanted you to know that this is me trying . at least i’m trying !

as penned by peach , for @redcreekfm !

  //   (  sophie  thatcher  .  cis  woman  .  she  /  her  )  .    ⸻  virginia  holloway  ,  a  twenty  four  year  old  ,  has  survived  another  day  in  red  creek  where  they  have  lived  for  seven  years  .  the  lost  soul  is  known  for  being  protean  and  volatile  and  is  often  associated  with  yesterday’s  mascara  becoming  today’s  eyeliner  ,  a  lone  wolf  howling  at  a  dissipating  moon  ,  an  enteral  crossroads  where  you  chose  the  wrong  path  .  in  a  small  town  where  they  work  as  redstone  bar’s  rhythm  guitarist  &  backup  vocals  word  travels  fast  .  it’s  hard  to  keep  a  secret  ,  and  it  looks  like  the  boogeyman  knows  that  redacted  .

𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑺.

𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞: virginia holloway . 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬: ginny , gin , v . 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫: cis woman . 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬: she / her. 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲: bisexual. 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞: protean. adjective. tending or able to change frequently or easily. 𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞: volatile. adjective. liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑩𝑼𝑳𝑳𝑬𝑻 𝑷𝑶𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑺.

( tw cheating , drug & alcohol use )

🥀 virginia’s parents always cared more about appearances than substance. the love had left their eyes long before she was old enough to notice, but a divorce was just too messy! no one saw scandalous motel visits, which meant they would always be the preferred way to cope. their only daughter, however, didn’t have the same approach. virginia was a wreck and not afraid to show it. late nights, running from the cops, skipping school, walks of shame, shoplifting – you name it, virginia did it. she was a wild teenager. 🥀 enough was enough when she turned sixteen. turns out there was a limit to the shame her parents would let her smear on her family name, and she hit it. they signed her up for a treatment program, and perhaps the whispers were too much for her parents considering they made the move to red creek. along with a new replacement child little sister. 🥀 for a while, they had succeeded in taming the beast that was their teenage daughter. when they enrolled her back into school, she gave just enough effort to graduate. just enough stability to hold some dead end jobs afterwards. though they never lasted too long, it was always gin making the change rather than getting fired. the redstone bar is currently the longest job she’s held, considering it seems to hold her interest way more than a standard waitressing or retail job she had before. 🥀 still, virginia has no plans in life. her label is the lost soul, considering the way she is currently floating through life. more about it below in the wc tab, but i think she is pretty easily influenced. probably has some friends that she is still wild with, but also maybe some good. there’s part of her trying to be better, but she’s very much in a limbo state as well.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

like mentioned above,, some bad influences. give me mess, give me benders, ‘they rlly shouldn’t hang out but they do’s,, all the drama

but also,,, someone that tries to be a good influence on her. eye in the hurricane type beat.

neutral option,, hookup buddies, fwb, one night stands always a vibe. maybe they go on benders together, maybe it’s a netflix and chill vibe

maybe,, maybe,,,,, someone to love on gin. who knows

angsty version of that,, people that kind of had a thing and then gin ghosted bc girlie doesn’t know how to emotion

the person that got her the job at redstone / introduced her to band kinda thing

previous coworkers from silly little minimum wage jobs from her past

friends, haters – the usual ones there

also just anything & everything,, if you have ideas pls throw them at me!! these are all just v basic

[rubykgrant]

I'm TRYING to re-think the order of some of the events in my RVB story-line, so it flows a little better as an actual plot (to be fair, the actual series would often leave the end of a season sort of up in the air, and come back with a non sequitur after a lot of time passes, so. shame on me for trying so hard, I guess). I have a lot more little details involved (I'll ramble about those below), but these are the BIG PICTURE aspects that everything else is framed around

The Interviews involve the Reds, Blues, former Freelancers, Doc, Locus, and a few friends from Chorus talking about what they've been through (with some flash-backs thrown in, showing what they aren't all telling). During the Vacations, Donut goes on a big spa-spree, the Grif sibs go back to Hawaii (without a big fuss, Kai may like the attention, but Grif doesn't want people bothering him about being the Famous Orange Soldier), Simmons tries to track down his family (he can't find them), Sarge goes back to sulk in Blood Gulch alone, Wash goes looking for the Triplets, Doc spends some time with Dr Grey and thinks about trying for a medical degree again, Lopez is allowed to just be by himself (and he's honestly kinda bored), Caboose goes back to the Moon, Tucker searches for Junior, Carolina attempts to dig up info about how deep Charon/Project Freelancer really got into all the crime BS, Locus tries to turn himself into the authorities on Chorus (being all "I deserve to die" about it) but Kimball gives him a "life sentence" of community service. Everybody misses each other, and are drawn back together like a bunch of planets caught in the same gravitational pull

-Sarge is contacted by a UNSC group that wants to give soldiers who were Sim Troopers and members of the Flag Zealots "new training", and he doesn't hesitate. He has fun with it for a while, and this is where he meets Poppy... she is how he finds out a lot of the people here were given the option "join this training program or face prison time", which really isn't much of an option at all. He thinks about how the Red VS Blue war was a lie, he thinks about Project Freelancer manipulating the agents, he thinks about Wash having a villain moment to avoid being locked-up, he thinks about Locus believing soldiers are supposed to kill without ever asking questions... and Papa Warcrimes decides he actually hates the military (it's a sign of the apocalypse!). Meanwhile, Carolina has finally gotten some leads about Charon, and she meets Junonia, who helps her find out more regarding the past and what Hargrove is still up to. Gene has also been around, trying to be a solo villain, but he's BARELY a one-man Team Rocket. Finally, the insidious purpose for all this new training is exposed, and Red Team (with their new member, Poppy) gets to have the spot-light when they fight the villain

-Everybody finally goes back to Earth together, and this time, a big celebration is held for their return. They spend most of their time out of armor on Earth, so the general public leaves them alone. Some fun shenanigans with everybody finding ways to amuse themselves (Sarge doesn't like going outside, the sky is too BLUE). Now that she knows where they are (thanks to the welcoming celebration), Tex finally catches up with everybody, revealing that when Epsilon Deconstructed, the information from his memories transferred back to the original Beta unit, reviving her. The Director had this whole plan for eventually bringing Allison back with a synthetic human body made from her DNA sample, but he could never make it "perfect" (Tex isn't an identical clone, more like a genetic "sibling" to Allison). She isn't the only one who found them; the parents Simmons went looking for finally show up (now that their son is a famous space hero). He's more than happy to get their attention, and they have him join their work at a bio-tech company (everybody else immediately recognizes the parents as a-holes, and the business as shady, but try telling Simmons that). Tex was initially hesitant to reveal the other AI Fragments were also revived, what with some left-over sore feelings regarding Sigma and Omega (Wash is ironically more willing to forgive them for everything; he wishes he had been able to do that BEFORE, instead of fighting against them as the Meta, and the whole spiral from there). Carolina talks through emotions with Sigma, and Omega compliments both Doc and O'malley for finding their back-bone. Everybody else is happy to get to know the Fragments better. Some Drama happens with the Reds, but Simmons finally sees his parents don't really care about him, and they all figure out that the bio-tech company has the original Alpha Unit hidden away. They rescue Church, who has the chance to be in his own synthetic body based on the Directors DNA (again, not identical, just similar)

-Everybody gets to CATCH THEIR BREATH, Caboose and Tucker have Church back, Church and Tex get to do people things, hooray! A distress call out there in space tricks Tucker into thinking Junior is in trouble, so he heads out to find his kid (most of the others join him, but a few stay behind because of recovering injures, etc). This turns out to be a trick, Hargrove and Temple are both being jerks. The rest of the gang arrives for a rescue, and Church has each of the Fragments assist his friends for the escape; for Hargrove, this was his attempt to test out a "new version" of scanning a mind to make his own AI (his tech is wonky, and will definitely kill people it scans). For Temple, he's under the impression that if he helps, he can have his own mind scanned, thus giving him a "recreation" of Biff from his memories. Hargrove REALLY wants people who have interacted with the AI Fragments as experiments, since he thinks there is important data to be found from minds like that. Temple just wants to kill the main group because he hates their guts, and it isn't FAIR, why do they get their dead friend back? Also, everybody finds the AI file for Sheila! When things settle down, Grif and Simmons talk, and at last they are on the same freaking page

-After the rescue, Hargove escapes again, and the group hears a distress call from Chorus. Some old problems are going on again, so they swing by to help out. Hargrove has one last-ditch effort to get what he wants in terms of AI experiments... Felix didn't just come back wrong, he came back WORSE. Well, everybody has the chance to work through some unresolved negative emotions aimed at him (Kimball, Locus, Tucker- everybody gets a stab in!). Felix wants to use his sword again, but it recognizes him as "dead". He tries to use a temple that "revives echoes" for key holders, but this just gives him a ghost of Doyle ("It was mine before it was yours"). The Echo also brings back other AI like Santa, who have been programmed to make certain events happen... while everybody tries to deal with Felix AND finally catch Hargrove for good, the Echo creates a whole third problem. At last, a group of aliens arrive, alerted by the Echo, and in the group is- Junior!

-Some happy family reunion time for Tucker and his boy. Junior explains what he's been doing for so long; he wasn't trying to avoid his father, but there are dangerous groups out there trying to kill him, and he's been hiding while also trying to save others. The strange "prophecy" about him, as well as things involving a "Great Destroyer" is indeed true (Gary admits he kind of just made up what it was about, but it really WAS real!) have become more urgent. Somebody who wants to take over and wipe-out anybody who opposes them has been targeting Junior. There are also many other half human/aliens like him, an attempt to create as many potential "prophecy children" as possible, but all were rejected by their human parents and only seen as tools by the other aliens (except for Junior, who is actually loved by his dad... even though they haven't been able to spend much time together). Another temple out in space supposedly has the power to give "continuous life", and the villain intends to use that to win. Tucker and the others try to protect Junior, but the temple doesn't work the way they all think...

-Back on Earth again, life seems to give them all a break... but unusual things begin happening. It eventually becomes clear that there are "new AI gods" toying with them (some are just playful, a few are genuinely malicious). This involves somewhat amusing, if a little annoying, shenanigans (like Wash getting turned into a cat, and a tiny 7-year-old Sarge showing up), but also very dangerous situations. Alternate time-lines and realities collide, some arguably "worst-case scenarios"

-It finally becomes necessary to confront the cause of all this. The group gets pulled into a pocket dimension where a lot of realities intersect. One AI god demands people fight for their amusement, and the winner will get to return to the "reality they want". The group really just wants weird paradox stuff to STOP. Church, Tex, and the Fragments figure out a way to keep everybody from dying, even the enemies they have to fight, until they have the chance to take on the one trying to control everything. Just when it seems like that issue is solved... Donut throws up. Weird, cosmic throw-up, like if the big-bang was a liquid. Being the one who has been traveling through time and reality the most, he's kind of absorbed a LOT of cosmic energy, and he can't control it. A big monster-transformation happens, but everybody figures out how to fix it so they can save Donut. Are we done? Are we DONE now???

-Yes. Everybody has the chance to live their lives, whatever that means for each of them. They get to be happy. Sometimes, bad things still happen, it can be difficult and unpleasant to live- but they still LIVE. Eventually, they pass on too (and that also means different things for some of them). When all is said and done, they're mostly glad they all got to be here~

[tiramissyoucake]

Desecrated sanctity

Headcanons, Priest student!Nagi studying under High priestess!Reader and becoming plagued with unholy thoughts, characters are 18+, brief Reo cameo, 700+ words little proof reading

CW: NSFW, Religious themes but no specifications, masturbation, sexual fantasies, Nagi is a creep (reader doesn’t know about Nagi’s affections)

Notes: finally wrote sth for Nagi after writing 4 fics and it’s a headcanons post I’m a fake fan sobs but enjoy

The monastery you had given your life to finally recognized your efforts and you’ve been blessed with the position you’ve yearned for the moment you were admitted in said monastery; High Priestess.

It was a difficult shift from student priestess to high priestess, but you’ve adapted to a schedule after a few weeks and established authority.

As a high priestess, it was your job to bestow your wisdom and guidance upon your students however there were a group of promising disciples who were given the honor of learning up close and personal, your requirement is to prepare them and give them an advantage in their teaching, all this in case harm would come to you and someone needed to step up.

There was one of your apprentices who you could not understand, no matter how much he slept in sessions or dozed off he always passed whatever test the monastery threw at him, you knew him as Nagi Seishiro.

He was always seen near your best student, Reo, although it seemed like Reo was the one attached to their odd friendship. You couldn’t understand their bond but as long as one doesn’t fall back due to the other you remained an onlooker and refused to interfere.

Nagi was second best and he was satisfied with that, he never even aimed to become a priest, his parents left him to his own devices at the monastery frequently which resulted in him being admitted into the student priest program.

He found himself growing an attachment to you, and not in an innocent admiration sort of way

Whenever Nagi would hear you command his colleagues or whenever he would be in a position where you expected obedience from him, he felt excited and he couldn’t understand why.

Until he had an eye-opening dream that made him realize why he feels this way toward you. It was Lust, fueled by a yearning love.

These dreams and thoughts plagued him more once he identified the festering emotions, he heard the same thing happen to people of his position before but the only difference they shared is that Nagi wasn’t disgusted by himself as they were.

He enjoyed the warm tug at his heart whenever you said his name when you looked in his direction

Sometimes when he passes by you in the halls, he has to keep his calm as he takes a long silent whiff of your scent. You abstained from wearing any perfumes as it would go against the extremity of purity taught in the monastery yet he still does it every time hoping to catch your natural scent.

If only Nagi followed your example and stayed close to those teachings, if you knew what he thought of you, you’d tell him how much of a terrible apprentice he is and reprimand him until the shame finally settled in him but you could never know.

The way he stares at you with those emotionless eyes, a lustful glare camouflaged by a listless gaze. Nagi knew that if you caught wind of these hints, this behavior, he would be punished severely.

The threat didn’t stop him from caressing himself in the silent privacy of his room at night as he thought of you in the most debauched ways his mind could conjure.

Nagi thinks of you in places, his bed, the altar, the confessional booth, your office, hidden behind the decorative structures in the garden away from prying eyes but never from holy eyes.

He think of how you would sound cooing his name so sweetly in his ear as opposed to the stern and powerful voice you used on a day-to-day basis, he imagined you’d squeak and stutter if he was ever blessed with the chance to have you on his dick.

He fists his cock in accordance with the speed of his pace in the fantasy in his mind, one hand trailing up his stomach to cover his mouth so he won't get carried away as he imagined you in any way he could. He imagined you riding him, and if you got tired he would gladly pin you down and fuck you until he was sure you were filled to the brim

When Nagi finally bursts from the self-given pleasure, his clarity is regained he doesn’t feel ashamed nor regret, he only cleans himself up lazily as he hopes tomorrow would come sooner so he can see you again.

[insipid-drivel]

SSI & SSDI: What are they, who qualifies, and how to apply?

Prefacing this with "For USAmericans only" because our system is a special kind of fucked up. I'm sorry to say that this may not apply to people that are undocumented, either. The feds suck that way and I really wish life was easier for all of us. This is also gonna be a very long post.

I see a lot of USAmerican tumblr users in dire straights trying to scrape by with art auctions, selling homemade stuff, or straight-up begging (no shame intended; poverty fucking sucks and our system is broken), that really seem to qualify for the same benefits that I have, but underutilize or otherwise don't know they can apply. This post is my attempt to explain the differences between our federal benefits programs, who can qualify, and what you need to do to apply in the gentlest, most hand-holding way I can for those of you feeling daunted or scared.

First off:

1: What's the difference between SSI and SSDI? SSI is short for "Social Security Income", and SSDI is just the same thing but with "Disability" thrown in. SSI pays into benefits for elder care and retired seniors, but what a lot of USAmericans don't realize is that you can apply for SSI at any time if you are disabled and have never had a job because of it. SSI isn't the same as a 401k or a retirement plan through your bank/finance manager. SSI is the federal system through which people who, either through age or disability, cannot work receive federal compensation through tax dollars. I got approved when I was 30 due to the severity of my disabilities when the average American doesn't usually have to worry about SSI until they're nearing retirement age. SSI is also the system that people who have never been able to work due to being disabled can apply for life-long benefits through.

SSDI is specifically for the benefit of people who have worked before, but have become too disabled to keep working for whatever reason. I'm personally, actually, on SSI because I've never been able to work due to my disabilities and have been living with them since very early childhood. I had odd jobs at stables working with horses in my teens, but no paystubs to prove it since it was all in cash. If you've never worked a formal job and are too disabled to work now, you want SSI. If you've been able to work before and can prove it through pay stubs/taxes/employment contracts but are now too disabled to, you want SSDI.

2: How do I know if I qualify? By getting tired of struggling to work because of your disability and giving the process a real look. Are you making less money than if you were working a barely minimum-wage part-time job and still struggling with Being Okay? Then you're probably, to some degree, legally disabled and entitled to help. The threshold to apply for assistance is surprisingly low considering how much I've seen barely-hanging-in-there tumblr users suffering from their respective chronic issues toughing it out with nothing but duct tape, ibuprofen, and etsy shops, and SS(D)I programs really take a lot of care to pay attention to your psychological welfare when you have to work as well as your physical welfare when defining what "disabled" really means.

You can even call the SSA help line, reach an agent, describe your situation, and ask if it sounds like you should pursue an application and how to start at absolutely no cost and with no commitment; these are programs you have a legal right to access and apply for, and calling is completely free - there are no consultation fees, ever. A lot of Social Security agents WANT to help people get on benefits when they need them, but it's actually harder to get approved if you try to do the entire process digitally vs. keeping in contact over the phone with a real human.

While you can apply and get approved with 0 contact necessary up until a certain point with applying for federal benefits, you are much more likely to get denied and have to appeal multiple times, miss documents that you didn't notice you needed to have ready, or not hear about other benefit programs or assistance that you can simultaneously be applying for. Even if you're scared of phones, you want a good agent to advocate for you and advise you when it comes to SSI/SSDI.

For the record, it's NORMAL to be denied at least once, if not several times when you apply, and does not mean that you aren't disabled, or aren't "disabled enough". This is a tactic intentionally used by the SSA to filter out those "truly" in need from those that aren't by using the logic "truly desperate people won't quit applying while people with options will". It's bullshit, classist, ableist, and takes advantage of people with anxiety and social phobias, but that's the way it's been built to be, so you MUST be persistent and keep appealing if you get denied. There are no limits to how many times you can appeal your case when it comes to SS(D)I. Some people can be stuck with being denied and appealing for years, which is why I strongly advise keeping the names and contact information of SSA agents and resources you've been in contact with for help. Once you get people to see you as a person rather than an applicant, you'll start getting a lot more good advice and tips for how to get approved faster and even how to maximize your monthly benefit rates.

If you're struggling to hold down your life in a stable way because of having one or more disabilities that interfere with a regular, "average" person's expected work day (9-5, usually commuting at least a little by car, usually working with other people/customers, spending at least some prolonged times on your feet or sitting at a desk/computer), you may already qualify for more benefits than you're aware of. There are absolutely no legal ramifications for applying for SSI or SSDI and getting turned down, or applying multiple times. It's not a "three strikes and you're out" kind of deal. You will not be arrested or fined for applying or inquiring about what you're entitled to from our federal government. Go to the official Social Security Administration website and poke around! However, my protip is to first read what benefits are available, and then CALL THEIR HELP LINE DIRECTLY to talk to an actual human being. The person who answers the phone can listen to you describe your circumstances precisely and guide you through applying, as well as inform you of any programs you may not know about that you can apply for simultaneously.

My SSA rep was a champion that got me through the process while also dropping hints about how to write and describe my situation in the forms I had to fill out. Because I live with my family, I don't have to pay rent, but my representative loudly asked, "YOU PAY RENT, RIGHT?" as a heavy-handed way of telling me, "I can get you more in your paycheck if you at least say you're paying rent," which got me an additional $300 added to my monthly checks now. I actually do pay that $300 in rent now, because it makes me feel better and helps my family with other expenses, including a brand-new not-even-on-the-market-yet power chair that my mom bought for me recently so I don't have to limp along with a cane anymore.

3: How do I apply?

Go to http://www.ssa.gov/ and research based upon your situation (if you've ever worked before or not). I got so overwhelmed by the online application process that my mom, who does bureaucracy for a living, helped relieve a load of anxiety from me by filling out my paperwork for me as well as she could (she's legally my Power of Attorney and so having her handle my paperwork was totally fine) and then calling their help-line.

Generally, the hardest part about applying is the waiting and resisting becoming discouraged, because Social Security is a slow ass process, and you're lucky if you hear back within several months of an application for an update, much less approval. However, depending on your situation, you may be required to go to an SSA-approved doctor or therapist to review your records and verify that you're still as disabled as you were when you first started your application as a last step before your application process is officially complete. For me, all I had to do was answer a therapist's questions about what my quality of life was like (my answer was "What quality of life?" because I was That Miserable), how my mobility was, how well I functioned around strangers and peers, what chronic pain/problems I dealt with, how long I could stand to be on my feet, and generally gave a rundown of what I could and couldn't handle about an "average" person's daily life and typical expected work load in your stereotypical office or retail setting.

The most important thing about applying is getting the application started as early as possible and making contact with an actual SSA representative! Even if you never follow through with applying (again, you are not penalized if you drop out! You can pick up where you left off or start completely over at any time when you're applying for federal benefits like SSI), after you reach a certain point in being Acknowledged By SSA As An Applicant For Assistance, the clock starts. Your clock starts - and I mean that in a very, very good way.

Once the SSA receives your initial request for SSI or SSDI, they automatically begin calculating any and all back-pay THEY owe YOU when you get approved as long as you're still applying and appealing. For me, my first SSI check came in at almost $6,000, because it took me around 10 months or so after my initial application to get approved, and the absolute basest rate for SSI benefits at that time was about $600/mo. I now make a little under $1k/mo with SSI alone, with my payments increasing automatically with inflation or if a single billionaire bothered to pay any taxes this year. If a major financial problem occurs in my life, like if my mom were to suddenly want more rent, I can report it to the SSA and they'll compensate me for at least some of that increased rent.

SSI/SSDI is not going to make you rich or solve all of your financial issues, and you are not legally allowed to work without special permission and circumstances while receiving benefits, but it can help take some of the pressure off if you literally have no other way of getting financial help. Because they're both federal programs, you're able to receive SSI/SSDI benefits along with many of your state's local benefit programs, like state-funded insurance, welfare, and food stamps to further stretch your budget and help you financially.

Little things that helped me along the way:

I cried a lot. At first it was humiliating to feel my emotions drop out from under me in the middle of a conversation with an SSA rep, but when he heard me beginning to lose it and sob at how hard everything is all the time, he became even more helpful with my case. He was a very sweet man named Dennis from Georgia. The same went with anyone else I had to see or speak to; if I just broke down crying and showed my actual feelings of resentment and humiliation at being so broken down and disabled that I officially needed Federal Government Daddy's money, they'd be a lot more compassionate and helpful. Show your emotions. Be upset. Let the people you speak to know that you feel like crap because, in spite of all your years of trying and trying to Be A Normal Person, things haven't gotten any better and maybe have even gotten worse.

I spoke my truth. I had a lot of suicidal ideology going on when I started applying, and as difficult and scary as it was, admitting that I was feeling like I had no other way out or way to help my family not be burdened by me was through suicide. I said that I would rather be talking to a doctor about assisted suicide than talking to the person I was talking to about asking for basic federal assistance. The therapist I said that to was alarmed and heartbroken that I preferred the thoughts of suicide to the thoughts of pursuing SSI, and was very, very quick to reassure me that I wasn't a failure, and that she was there to see me and help me get what I needed now that I was asking for it. She praised me for telling the truth and being brave enough to keep applying and trying.

I let myself be symptomatic. No masking, no pain meds, nothing; when I had to deal with people assessing me for SSI (which weren't many, but the stakes to me were too high to try to mask even once), I went in exhausted, in pain, stinking from not showering because I was struggling, rushing to and from the bathroom with stress IBS, and very vocally in favor of dying rather than continuing to fuss around with paperwork. When the exhaustion and fatigue made me want to cry, I cried. When someone wanted to touch me - like to take my blood pressure at the doctor's - I allowed myself to jolt away and need to be asked if it was okay before I was touched by anyone. I allowed my Neurotypical Tolerance Level to reach 0, and to be the goddamn mess I really was inside, and still am.

I did not express optimism or hope. I made it clear that I was going through the motions because I "knew I was going to get denied anyway". I knew most people never get approved, and I was honest that I knew it and expected nothing but wasted time while I went through the application process as one final attempt to not be such a hindrance to the people around me.

That following October, I got a snail-mail letter in my mailbox congratulating me for being approved for SSI, and that if I was reading the letter and had not received my first payments, I would after a short time and was asked to call them if I didn't. It took about 10 months total to get through all of it once my mom teamed up with me to help me with the Official Process, and checked my bank account to find not only my very first payment sitting in my checking account, but the past 10 months' worth of payments I would've received if I'd already been on benefits. I used it to decorate my bedroom, which was so spare and empty it looked like nobody lived there, get new clothes I desperately needed (I was 30 and still relying on hand-me-down clothes and underwear from when I was a teenager), started paying my mom rent so I felt less like a leech and more like an investor in our family home, and am now in the process of getting a brand new power wheelchair, because my problems with walking and standing were what got me to start applying, and life has gotten better enough that I can now afford the mobility aids I need.

[procelibacyactivism]

Horatio Alger and The Bootstrap Myth

The notion of narrative seems to be ever-present in modern discussions of politics and current events. How an event or series of events is framed and presented to the public has become a crucial part of how a story is disseminated in the media, with competing narratives used to present the same event in different lights. While some of the fake news stories passed around are entirely fictitious, the most insidious ones take some true fact and twist it in such a way that while the thrust of the story is false, the story as a whole can’t be dismissed as entirely fictitious.

A more important question when it comes to the appeal of fake news is why those who believe it fail to question it. They may otherwise be skeptical of a fresh news item—reputable or not—but not this. Why?

The answer lies in the narrative the story fits. The reader wants the story to be true, and some incidental portion of it may be at least partially true, and that’s enough to assuage their inborn skepticism.

In order to get at the root of the problem one has to examine the narratives a fake news story caters to. One that has proved quite attractive to the conservative mindset is the notion that anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps, with enough gumption and hard work. The idea of receiving any kind of assistance—be it via welfare, healthcare, an affirmative action program, or even the Americans with Disabilities Act—runs counter to this narrative. These bootstrappers believe the government shouldn’t provide assistance to anyone for any reason. If any individual is going to make it in this country, they should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. By contrast, anyone receiving help should feel a deep sense of shame, since admitting that one needs help is admitting defeat.

The whole bootstrap mentality has never been so perfectly encapsulated as in the works of Horatio Alger, Jr. He wrote dozens of short novels—all very similar in structure—about a poor young boy who, through gumption and hard work, manages to work his way out of poverty. Alger’s books were wildly popular, in his time, and served to establish the American ideal that anyone can achieve anything with a little elbow grease. The stories are quite delightful, and earnestly American, so it’s not hard to understand their appeal. It’s no wonder that those who wanted desperately to believe in the bootstrap narrative held them up as examples, and would say, “Why can’t you be like Luke Larkin, or young Dick, and work yourself out of poverty?” You can hear echoes of it in media from the Depression, like in “My Man Godfrey” (1936), the beginning of which sees a “forgotten man” proclaiming:

“If them cops would stick to their own racket, we’d get somewhere in this country without a lot of this relief and all that stuff.”

But here’s where it pays to maintain a bit of critical distance. It is, of course, important to remember Alger’s stories are fiction. Not that a fictional story can’t contain a kernel of truth, but the story teller has ultimate control over the events of the story. That A follows B which leads to C is entirely the invention of the author, and up to the reader to evaluate.

Looking back at a work like Ragged Dick, each plot element follows a specific narrative structure. First, Dick is in some particular state. In this state, Dick works as best as he is able to. Then some event occurs which gives Dick the opportunity to help someone out or employ his wits. Having done so, some benefactor rewards him for what he’s done. This is where the bootstrap narrative breaks down. It’s not merely Dick’s hard work that allows him to advance: It’s the entirely voluntary charity of someone in a superior position that allows him to improve his lot in life.

For example, at the end of the book, Dick happens to be taking a ferry, when a young boy, accompanied by his father, happens to fall into the sea. The father can’t swim, and no one else appears to be paying attention, so Dick is able to dive in and save the boy. As it turns out, the father happens to be a merchant, and so rewards Dick with a new suit, and a job in his counting room earning ten dollars a week (a princely sum in 1900—or in 2017, in some places in the US).

This type of thing happens again and again throughout Alger’s work, though it’s not as if Alger was blind to it. For example, at one point in Ragged Dick, Dick is able to regain some money that a man from the country had lost to a swindler. A wealthier boy, astounded by Dick’s street smarts, takes Dick to his uncle, who, after hearing his story, offers him five dollars. Dick replies:

“I don’t like to take it,” he said. “I haven’t earned it.”

“Perhaps not,” said Mr. Whitney; “but I give it to you because I remember my own friendless youth. I hope it may be of service to you. Sometime when you are a prosperous man, you can repay it in the form of aid to some poor boy, who is struggling upward as you are now.”

And this is precisely how the Algerian story is supposed to work. A young boy is to be honest and hard-working, never complaining, and always attempting to improve himself. Those who are more fortunate are supposed to help such boys out whenever they can. Then these boys, as they grow into prosperous men, are supposed to turn around and do the same for other young boys struggling upward.

This part of the narrative seems to have been lost in the modern bootstrap fairytale. Instead, it’s replaced by the notion that anyone can struggle out of poverty with absolutely no assistance, and when they do it, it is thanks to their own merits. They, consequently, owe nothing to anyone. It’s hard to live the Algerian lifestyle if those who are in a position to help the less fortunate feel it is their duty to do precisely the opposite.