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silverechosandblankmasks · 3 years

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Platonic Polyam Bench Trio Marriage AU

You guys asked, so here I am to deliver! Platonic Polyam Bench Trio marriage au where Tommy marries into Tubbo’s and Ranboo’s platonic marriage. (focus on Tommy lol)

NOTE; These are about the c!characters and not the irl people, and I'm writing this like a poly queerplatonic relationship okay? None of this is intended to be romantic or anything else and anything that is in this list is PLATONIC INTENTIONS ONLY

Edit; Now called the Bench Husbands Au

-It kinda all kicks off when about a week or so after Tommy gets out of Prison. (Note, nothing after the first stream after Tommy gets out is canon in this au, as well as some things before)

-Tubbo and Tommy finally have a small fight and argument, before talking, like really talking and Tubbo invite Tommy to come live with them in the mansion in snowchester once its done.

-Tommy doesn't really want to... but he’s tired and lonely and still scared to death and Tubbo promises he’s safe with them, plus if they lived together they could plan on how to kill Dream easier as well.

-Ranboo doesn't mind but after that he tries to go talk to tommy more, but Tommy isnt... the most receptive? Tommy is suffering still and is feeling very replaced and lonely, but doesn't excuse his kinda snippy behavior with Ranboo

-This finally comes to ahead when Ranboo snaps and calls him out, leading to another small fight, before Tommy apologizes and they also talk. This one is more in depth though and Tommy talks about what happened in exile, in the prison, and just general shitty stuff that's being going on.

-Ranboo, in turn, talks to him about the voices and Dream’s voice and the sleepwalking and Tommy is very much more concerned about them then anyone else he told was, and validates the fear about it, and resolves to help Ranboo get rid of it somehow.

-After this, and both trying to convince the other they should tell Tubbo, that they both probably need to tell Tubbo. They want to keep him safe and not worry him, but... they both need help in different ways and they both love him enough to not do that to him.

-The night ends with lots of tears, Tubbo admitting his own traumas and tears and what he’s been not saying, and a promise to help each other.

-Its not a while after that actually Ranboo brings up the idea of adding Tommy to their marriage. He can tell the blond is struggling with feeling replaced and low-self esteem, and it would help him feel more equal and loved maybe? Tubbo thinks its a great idea and they go to ask Tommy.

-Tommy’s pretty uppity at first, he believes its just them pitying him and treating him like glass again, which he hates more then anything, but after they calm him down and explain they just want him to feel equal and that they both actually cared for him and wanted him to join in on their thing, he’s more contemplative. Ranboo nervously throws in a few other points, like how for legal reasons it could benefit him like it was for them, their allies had to leave him alone, plus Tubbo only started making his own hotel becuase he wanted Tommy to start interacting with him again, and-

-At this point Tommy just, interrupts and says yes, surprising them. They didn't exactly think he’d say no, but they thought it would be harder then that. He laughs at their expressions and says why not? Plus it stood to reason they’d want Tommy, everyone wanted Tommy.

-Ranboo and Tubbo exchange a look before bullying their now platonic fiancée. They agree to get married as soon as the Mansion is done, and till then Tommy can finish packing his stuff and a few other things he wanted to do.

-Also Tommy is totally not avoiding Michael because every pet he ever got close to has died and he doesn't want to get attached and risk Tubbo and Ranboo losing something they cared about because of him, no siree, why wouldn't you think that?

-Speaking of Michael!

-Its not all that strange to keep undead mobs like Zombie piglins as pets, in fact Zombie Piglins are the probably better undead mob to keep around due to their mostly passiveness if you want a pet and the fact they don't need much to eat and wont really be harmed if out leave them alone for long periods of time

-Though Tommy kinda thinks Tubbo and Ranboo’s insist on treating him like their child is weird, but he’s willing to let them have it, clearly it made them happy to play around

-Isn't until he finally moves in that he realizes that Michael is different then other zombie piglins and finds himself being pulled into the parent dynamic as well

-Though now that he thinks about it, something about Michael seems off… welp it's probably nothing :)

-When the mansion is done, he tears down the dirt shack and makes it a community garden and it becomes one of the only things that stays free of the red vines (who knew watering it with water from the holy land would make it untouchable? It's thanks to this garden later others figure out how to defeat the egg)

-They elect to not have a ceremony, not now at least but Tommy actually thinks a small wedding party would be fun at a later date. Ranboo doesn't mind much if they have one or not but Tubbo is actually very excited about planning it.

-Tommy wears his ring on a necklace most of the time, but occasionally wears it on his fingers, usually when he needs something to fiddle with.

-Ranboo wears his on his tail (the area right before to fluffy part) normally but also wears it on his finger sometimes when he feels like it. (If your version has horns, he also does that too) it just really depends on what he’s feeling and if he’s forgotten where he put it. He also like, never takes it off unless to move it around because he’s afraid to lose it.

-Tubbo wears his as an actual ring on his finger (though if he has horns, sometimes he puts it on one of em if he needs the ring to be off his hand.) Tubbo learned the hard way when building nukes or other machinery (since, if you can believe it, his husbands aren’t that comfortable with the nukes as he is) you can't wield or do high heat stuff while wearing metal and nearly lost his finger. He’s very lucky and he has a small scar from it.

-Each of them have their own rooms so they can have their own space and somewhere to go if they want time to themselves/store their stuff in, but there is a 4th room (directly across from Michaels) where they share and tend to curl up to sleep together. About 5 out of 7 days of the week, some combo of them are cuddling together at night, more if they're having a bad day or nightmares.

-There's multiple bathrooms in the mansion but there's one they all like the best and will fight over it/race to get into it first before the others and the other two will stalk off salty to use a different one

-They're all pretty tactile people but out of them, Tommy is the most tactile (once the fear of being hurt recess he practically attaches himself to the others) and Ranboo is the least (he won't seek out comfort and touch as much as the others unless he needs it, but is the best at telling when the other two need touch or need to be left alone) and Tubbo is in the middle of that.

-Tommy is the one that cooks most of the time, Ranboo is banned from it after The Incident and while Tubbo is okay at cooking, Tommy just knows more recipes and how to make things taste really good.

-Tommy picked up sewing from when he was a kid, even before he was found by Wilbur and adopted by Phil, it was useful to be able to patch the rags he called clothes, and just ended up continuing because his brothers and dad sucked at sewing. It then morphed into full tailoring because he found it relaxing and liked being able to make his own clothes. He can and will be insulted if anyone wears anything he deems ‘ugly’, especially his new husbands. He makes them clothes all the time, specially Michael.

-In fact he also cleans the most, he just gets bored and while he makes a mess, if the house gets to a certain point he gets really uncomfortable and overstimulated, so he cleans.

-DomesticInnit? In my au? More likely then you think!

-Gradually the whole ‘watching the prison’ and ‘planning to kill Dream’ starts to fade as he gets back into the groove of living again and therapy. He’s just… tired of Dream having a hold on everything Tommy does, he’s sick of it. So… he just tries to live these days one step at a time. (Healing arc baby! Dream can die mad UwU)

-Tommy dragged them both to Therapy with him after a while.

-Because of this he finds himself home a lot with Michael, especially if the other two are busy. They’ve pretty much decided that someone has to be home with Michael at all times, which is now 100% more doable with the 3 of them, and Puffy or Foolish babysit if there’s ever time they can't.

-Tommy is a lot less of a hovering helicopter parent then the others and was the one to finally convince them Michael cant live trapped in a room. Yes, they were all worried for his safety but… you can't raise a kid in a cell, even if it's a nice one. Tommy takes Michael out more

-Tommy started to sleep walking again once they moved in and he still gravitates towards water for some reason. Nothing more startling then waking up because you plunged into frigid below 0 temp water while sleepwalking. Ranboo also enderwalks/sleepwalks more as well and there've been some nights where Tubbo has had to track them both sleepily walking around and make sure they don't hurt themselves or drown or something. At least Ranboo is semi-aware when enderwalking and normally just does weird ender things, Tommy likes to apparently walk into oceans or climb the mansion and nearly fall off and wander hundreds of blocks away. Tubbo’s not salty at all, really.

-Sapnap, Quackity, and Karl are 100% salty the benchtrio got platonically married before they got married

-They fight about last names all the time despite none of them actally taking eachothers last name, and if they happen to pick and choose on which one they’re feeling based on mood, well they can do what they want!

-However its agreed Michael’s last name is hyphenated so he’s now ‘Michael Beloved-Underscore-Innit’

These are all I have for now, feel free to ask about it or use my ideas! <3

#dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #tubbo #ranboo #bench trio #benchtwt #mine #headcanons #au #my aus #Benchtrio platonic poly marrige au #NOW CALLED;#Bench Husbands AU

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kamyru · 2 years

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can you make an Irresistible Mistake MC headcanon?

Oooo. That's interesting. It's actually harder than do headcanons for LIs, because MCs are somehow self-inserts of the reader. Probably, I put something from me in these headcanons too. Yet, I hope you'll still like them. Enjoy! ❤️

Headcanons for: Toshiaki Kijima, Shunichiro Tachibana, Natsume Asaoka, Toma Kiriya, Yukihisa Maki

Irresistible Mistakes MC Headcanons

Growing up, she was a little closer to her father than to her mother.

At least once, during her school years, she accidentally put her homework and books on fire while trying to combine cooking and studying.

Moreover, she nearly put her parents' restaurant on fire while she was little. Her parents tried to ban her from the kitchen but reconsidered it.

While she was still in university, she used to volunteer for pet shelters because she couldn't afford to have a pet back then.

When she started to live alone, she didn't know how to use her income wisely. So, at least once, she lived on instant ramen because that was all she could afford after spending money on useless things.

As a student, she smoked a few times. As an adult, I think only in two cases did she try to smoke ever again. She begged Shunichiro to let her once when she was very stressed. In Jun's case, she stole a cigarette from him, then had to listen to his lectures about how bad it was for her health. She tried to pull something like this with Toshiaki but thought that he would be disappointed in himself for making her feel like this, and she gave up.

The first few times she slept with her lover, the man got hit at least twice a night.

Also, she is a blanket hog.

MC doodles her boyfriend's face on her notebooks. In every single route, the men in her storyboards somehow look like her lover. That's one of the ways Shun understands whom she is dating.

Besides the fact that she has a very gentle way of expressing her thoughts, she is also soft-spoken. Go was the first one to observe it. He tried to teach her how to sing because of this.

The only time she can be rude is when she is drunk. But even then, she's not more than an angy kitten.

Speaking of kittens, she sneezes like a kitten. Her baby "ah-choo's" are a running meme in the company.

She has a list of snacks and sweets that she has eaten so much that she can't look at them anymore without having the urge to puke.

She tried to learn German and French by herself after she had found out in Yukihisa's route that he speaks them.

Sings in the shower or when is bored. That's also a sign that MC feels comfortable near someone.

MC wants a dog, yet she knows they need more attention than cats. So, she can't take one.

Probably the first time she had ever asked her lover to buy her pads was after they married.

She is the type to pack lunch for work, forget about it, and find it all rotten three weeks after.

The only bitter thing she can eat/drink is Mira Black Coffee. So, in other routes besides Toshiaki, she probably doesn't eat bitter food.

MC has a scratch map, where you scratch the countries you have visited. Probably after her honeymoon, the number of countries scratched reached three-four.

She is the type to talk more often with her brother's girlfriend than with her brother.

She has a ton of books about art and museums.

Can't identify when people are flirting with her. She'll ask her partner jokingly: "Are you trying to romance me?" And he'll be "Finally!".

#irresistible mistakes #yukihisa maki #shunichiro tachibana #jun araki #toshiaki kijima #rei kamiki #toma kiriya #keita mitsuura #taku hayama #natsume asaoka #go okubo #voltage inc #asks

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oldguardhc · 4 years

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Old Guard hc #67

Prompt number: 26 - “How about you trust me for once?”

Fandom: The Old Guard

Rating: PG-13

Warnings/Tags: Crack

Summary: Nile takes them to Pride.

AN: For @spookyvoidangelskeleton, thank you for always liking and reblogging my stuff. This is definitely more cracky than normal, so heads up.

“We’re going to go somewhere fun,” Nile promises, taking a left at the light. She read online that there was a good parking garage a couple of blocks away from the parade and that the walk was totally worth the price. Even though her eyes are on the road, she can feel them trading glances behind her back. “How about you guys trust me for once?”

“The last time we trusted you, we got banned,” Joe reminds her, and okay, that’s fair. But in her defense, she didn’t think Nicky would actually punch the guy!

“Wait-what?” Quynh asks, sticking her head in the middle. “Where did you guys get banned from?”

Nile pushes her head back. “Put your seatbelt on. We’re going to get pulled over, and I’m sure as hell not paying for that ticket,” Nile says, and oh god, she’s turning into her mother.

“You guys got banned from somewhere in the seven months I was exiled?” Booker asks.

“Technically, only Nicky is banned,” Joe says, turning around to grin at his husband. “He was my hero.”

“Yes, a true hero,” Andy sarcastically drawls, dodging Joe’s swat. He hits Booker instead and gets a very offended ‘hey!’ in response.

Quynh sticks her head back in the middle, and Nile sighs. If they crash, Quynh’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with the pain of healing. “I understand how you feel now. I don’t like it.”

“How I feel?”

“Yes, being out of the loop. Very annoying.”

Nile huffs, a wry smile stretching her lips. “Welcome to Initiation, it lasts a good fifty years.” Nile doesn’t have to turn around to know Quynh is scrunching her face up, the one that tells the world just how displeased she is.

“Is no one going to tell us where you guys are banned from?” Booker loudly asks, interrupting the intense bickering match between Andy and Joe.

“No!” Andy and Joe shout as one before resuming their little love spat.

Nile briefly makes eye contact with Nicky through the rearview mirror. He looks far too amused with everything going on. “Sorry, Quynh and Booker. You must be a level 8 to unlock the list of places we’re banned from,” Nile says, grinning ear to ear. “Ow! No pinching the driver, Quynh!”

“The driver was being a bitch and deserved it.”

Never let it be said that Quynh was a slow learner. That woman picked up curse words faster than a cheetah on speed.

It takes ten more minutes to pull into the garage. It’s the ten most painful minutes Nile has ever lived through. She almost turns the car around, but that would mean another fifty minutes, and she’s not strong enough for that.

“Oh! Is there some festival going on?” Joe asks as a gaggle of people walk past their car. They’re all in bright shirts that have a rainbow on them, and they’re carrying several signs as well. “I forget what it’s called, but it’s for gay people.”

Nile pulls into a spot. “Pride Parade,” Nile answers.

“Yeah! We should go after we get banned from wherever we’re going!” Suggest a haunted house once, get banned, and no one will let go of it. How was she supposed to know that Nicky’s reaction to Joe screaming would be to turn feral?

Nile turns the car off and looks at her passengers. “Surprise! We’re going to Pride!” She looks at Nicky. “Please don’t get us banned. I don’t know how that would even happen, but please don’t get us banned.”

Nicky smiles. “I can make no promises, but I will try hard not to.” That’s good enough for Nile!

“We’re not appropriately dressed,” Quynh says, watching as another group passed their car. “We need more colors.”

Nile scoffs. “I prepared, honey. Everything is in the trunk.”

By the time they get to the parade, it’s just starting. There are more than a hundred thousand people lined up on the streets, all buzzing with infectious energy, cheering on the people in the middle.

“Dykes on Bikes?” Quyhn asks, pointing to a group of women riding motorcycles. “Are there Dykes on Horses?”

Andy wraps an arm around Quynh’s waist. “People these days don’t value horses.”

“They’re wrong. But, okay.” Everyone but Nile nods in agreement.

Before this can turn into another horses-are-great rant, Nile gets their attention with a wave of her hand. “Let’s get drinks, and then we can enjoy the parade.”

“I’ll go with you. They can stay here,” Booker says, sidestepping around Joe. “They don’t get to see this very often.”

“Cool, any requests?”

“Something sweet,” Joe says.

Darn, she can’t bring a bottle of tequila back. What are they going to drink now?

“Colorful,” Nicky adds.

“Anything is fine,” Andy says, and Quynh nods.

“Alright, I can do sweet and colorful. You guys stay here; come on, Book.”

They find a frozen daiquiri bar towards the middle. It’s absolutely swamped. The ten frazzled employees are dashing around like headless chickens to fill cup after cup as fast as they can. Of course, Nile and Booker choose this one.

“Hi, what can I get you?” The cashier asks once they’re at the front.

“Six monster yards pride drinks,” Booker orders, handing over his card.

“That’ll be $134.86, thank you. Can I say, it’s very nice of you to support your daughter.”

Nile stares at the guy and then promptly bursts into laughter. Oh my god. This is definitely the best day she’s had in years. Booker is looking at the cashier like he lost his damned mind.

“I-I’m sorry, I just thought-I’ll get your drink,” the cashier says, cheeks a bright red.

“I don’t look that old,” Booker touches his face, lingering on the wrinkles on his forehead. “Do I?”

“You are old!” Nile reminds him, swatting his hand away from his face.

“Your drinks,” the cashier says, putting them all on the counter. “Thank you for stopping by, and I’m sorry again for the rude comment.”

Nile waves him off and picks up three drinks. “Thanks! Now, come on, Dad.”

The other’s eyes widen when they see them with their drinks. It’s understandable, the cups were only 48 oz, but instead of building the cups wider, they went taller.

“They didn’t have anything bigger?” Nicky asks, relieving Nile of two of the drinks. He hands one to Joe.

“They were all out of kegs,” Nile responds. “Hope it meets your colorful criteria.”

Nicky looks down at his bright, rainbow-themed drink and his lips quirk up at the corners. “I think this will do.”

“These are amazing!” Quynh exclaims, taking another sip of her drink. Almost half of it is gone already. “You gotta get more!”

“Wow,” Andy says once she swallows her first sip. “These are good.”

“Nicky and I will get the next round,” Joe pipes up, and holy crap. There are only a couple more sips left in his cup.

Have these people never drank a frozen daiquiri before? Or a spiked slushy?

“That’s fine by me,” Booker says, glaring at his drink.

“What happened to you?” Joe asks.

“He’s upset that the cashier thought he was my dad,” Nile answers.

Joe laughs with delight, letting Booker shove him. “Nicky and I are definitely going back then. Have to support local businesses, you know?”

They have a great time. Nile doesn’t think she’s ever seen them all so loose in a public setting before. Joe’s tucked neatly under Nicky’s arm, tangling his fingers with the hand he’s currently under. Andy is standing behind Quynh, both arms wrapped around her neck, chin hooked on her shoulder.

Booker and her end up going back to get the second round. The third too. Nile taps out after that, she has to drive, and she hasn’t exactly been testing her alcohol metabolism rate.

As they’re leaving, Quynh lets out a shriek and runs across the street. Several heads turn her way, and they all watch as Quynh skids to a halt in front of an animal shelter tent.

“A dog!” Joe excitedly says, jogging over to join Quynh.

“Dios,” Nicky mutters, stalking after his husband.

“We’re getting a dog,” Booker sighs and finishes the last of his drink. “There’s going to be shit everywhere.”

“You don’t think Nicky is enough?” Nile asks.

“No,” Andy answers, crossing her arms. “He’s going to fold.”

Nile turns to look at her. “Why aren’t you getting your wife?”

“She’s more than that.” Nile rolls her eyes. “But if I go over, we’re getting more than one dog.”

“You like dogs?”

“She likes pussy,” Booker says and laughs when Andy smacks his arm. “I hope they don’t get a puppy.”

“God, those things yap,” Andy takes another sip of her drink. “They better not get a small dog.”

Nile looks across the street. As Andy said, Nicky has definitely lost the argument. They’re all petting the puppies, and man, Nile really hopes she doesn’t get a million dollars. How awful that would be.

Five minutes later, Quynh and Joe come skipping back, a puppy in each of their arms. Nicky is carrying some papers as well as two leashes.

Quynh holds the puppy out to them. “This is Max, and that’s Ollie! They’re Australian Shepherds!”

Nile pets Max; she’s not a monster and looks up at Nicky. “You’re weak.”

Nicky sighs. “I know.”

#the old guard #joe x nicky #nile freeman #andromache x quynh #fictober20 #booker #hc

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shadow--writer · 3 years

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If You Knew my Story Word for Word, Had all of my History, Would You go Along with Someone Like Me?

2 dumbasses in love. That’s it. That’s my a/n (song over here)

Maeve x Lucas. Because I love you. 4.8k

CW: mentions of past abuse (Lucas and Maeve - gaslighting),

@dela-png

She never really liked warm blustery days.

Cursing, she held her basket close, hoping the eggs didn’t crack. Lucas was trying to make an apple apricot pie, both for her and to win the affections of Tehi. After the even worse great flour incident of a few days ago, he was determined to get her to like him.

She ran through the grocery list in her head. Lucas had been in the middle of making the crust when they realized that he had run out of eggs, milk, and the fruit needed. You know, the major part of a fruit pie.

She sighed, massaging her temples as the wind made her stumble. Malory couldn’t call the guards today, she caught the middle of their rotation. The market in the South End was...interesting, to say the least. There was more theft due to poverty, so Lucio’s bright idea was to tighten security in the area instead of helping the people starving.

Nadia just hadn’t...gotten around to them yet.

The system was...fucked, putting it lightly. After the shitshow that was Lucio’s reign, there was much to fix up and work on.

Her being chased out of the market every other day due to false theft accusations being one of them. After the disaster that was Doctor 069’s trial, she didn’t have much trust in the legal system. Knowing her luck she’d be executed by the Praetor over theft. The old arena was already stained enough, she didn’t know why they couldn’t tear the eyesore down.

She rubbed her arms, looking through the dairy products for sale. Being a...pet of the Quaestor gave her rights to go into the coliseum to see those under. Blinking, she waved thoughts of bloodied people and plague eyes.

She didn’t want to go back there, see the hurt on those peoples faces. She was punished for helping them, so eventually she just...stopped.

The Quaestor was a...fascinating thing. She wondered how they could sleep at night for what they did. All and all they felt...otherworldly.

She groaned softly, placing a few coin in the palm of the farmer. Crimson cows always had the best milk, but they were banned from the city. She hid the jug under the eggs and flowers she bought for Lucas. Crimson cows were much bigger than the regular cow, milk and meat always bloodied red. It baked well though, making everything richer so it was worth the illicit dealings.

“Good afternoon, thief.” She stiffened at the voice, trying to fight her annoyance. Please, not today. “Come to steal my stocks again?”

“I didn’t steal and you know it.” Damn she fell for the trap, again. Her pride smarted at each theft comment. Eventually people would believe it, and then where would it leave her? She could barely keep herself afloat without even having to pay rent.

“Now, the guards certainly don’t know that, do they?”

“Oh fuck off. They aren’t here to protect you today.”

“Mmm, so you're going to steal from me again, aren’t you?”

She breathed in sharply. “I am going to buy some fruit, upfront, and then I am going to leave.”

“For that little bat of yours?”

She scowled. “She was just hungry, and I paid after.”

“Stealing is stealing.” “It wasn’t stealing if I bought it. Just...let me get my ingredients for a pie and I’ll leave.”

“Baking a pie? The last one wasn’t bad enough?” She flushed at the thought. She wasted a lot of good fruit that day, her fingertips stained purple for a week. “Come to waste my hard earned spoils?”

She slammed her basket on his counter with a sour look. “I’ll have you know Lucas is baking it this time. And it’ll be fine.”

Malory paled at the mention of Lucas’ name. “H-He’s not with you, is he?”

…was that a stutter?

“Why do you ask? You’re not scared are you?” she teased, picking through the apples.

“Anyone with good sense is scared of the beast.”

She lifted an eyebrow, placing enough for the fruit by his hand. She started placing apples in the basket, keeping them away from the bluebells. Her hair was falling out of her handkerchief, again. The front of her dress was splattered with flour, and she did look like she was helping.

Reality was that she was trying to keep Jolie from sleeping in the flour.

And failing, miserably.

“Oh yes, because he is so scary,” she said with an eye roll, thinking of him sulking over Tehi.

Malory’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t mock me. Just because he has been...subdued, for now, does not mean he isn’t dangerous.”

“Lucas? Dangerous? The only danger he poses is to himself.” Clumsy oaf ran face first into her bookshelf and almost knocked himself out.

Twice.

Granted, she did have a lot of bookshelves.

“An ex gladiator is just that, a gladiator.” Malory shuddered. “I heard he beat a man within an inch of his life before Lucio stopped the fight. He’s a ticking time bomb.”

She paused, blood roaring in her ears. “Glad...iator?” she asked softly, setting an apricot down. “Lucas?”

Malory paused. “You do know about it, don’t you? How could you not? You are his partner and this is something everyone knows.” He paused. “And paired with what surrounds you…” his lips curled in judgment, she bristled under his look. “Well, people talk.”

“What I know and don’t know is none of your business,” she sniffed, stuffing another apricot in her basket. “He doesn’t have to tell me anything he doesn’t please to. I trust him.”

“You...truly, don’t know?”

“Don’t know what?!” she snapped, her gaze low and cold.

“About the beast?”

“‘The beast’ can you be any more vague?” Even with his...dancing around, the name rang a bell. She huffed, placing her hands on her hips. “If you’re picking a fight with Lucas, don’t. It’s me you hate.”

“I may...dislike you.” She snorted, yeah that was rich. “But I don’t want you dating a murderer.”

“Lucas is not a murderer.”

“Killing people for sport sounds like murder to me.”

“What are you even going on about?!”

“Your little...dog, has quite a past, doesn’t he?”

“Lucas. His name is Lucas. Why am I even still talking to you!” She threw her hands in the air. “I paid, I got what I needed, I’m going to leave.” She snatched her basket up and turned around.

“He was the Scourge’s replacement. After the escape. Before Lucio’s death. He was the executioner for a while. Don’t you think that’s something you should know, Deathling?”

She flinched, turning around and hauled him over his counter by his shirt. “You don’t get to call me that,” she snarled, Malory letting out a small choked noise. “You never get to call me that.”

“T-Touchy subject,” he breathed, face pale.

“I will give you a choice. Shut up about Lucas, or I throw you into a canal, got it?”

He let out a laugh as she let him go. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

She sneered. “And so what if I am?”

Malory’s eyes softened, but his smug grin didn’t. “Just letting you know what you’re getting into.”

“This is his secret,” she muttered, smoothing her hair back as she glared at him. “This is for him to tell me. If he wanted to.”

“He never would. And then where would it leave you? Would you still trust him?”

“What he did or did not do in the past is of no concern to me, Malory. He is a good fucking person, and that is why I fell for him.”

“But this is a big secret to keep, don’t you think?”

“It’s none of your business, just as it is none of mine. And if he did those things, he would not have chosen to do so. I know him, he’s a kind person. Choosing to kill someone for the fun of it, is something he would never do.”

“But what if he did?”

“He wouldn’t.” But Malory’s words hit home, and the seed of doubt sprouted. What if it was true? What if he did?

No. No. This was Lucas. He sulked when a bat didn’t like him. He was dramatic and sweet.

If he did do what Malory was saying, he wouldn’t have done it alone. He had to have been pushed to do it.

“Ask him yourself then,” Malory said with a smile, knowing he was getting to her. “Let’s see how your little sweetheart reacts.”

“He would never lay a hand on me,” she growled. “Ever. He wouldn’t hurt me. I should have your tongue for saying it.”

He held his hands up in surrender. “Food for thought.”

“Leave him alone. It’s me you hate.”

“Hatred for you doesn’t mean I want to see him snap again. Those days were not pretty, and he was an animal.”

She snarled. “I’ll show you an animal if you don’t shut up.”

“Go home then. See what he does.”

“Fine. Maybe I will.” She hooked her basket under her arm again, stomping off. People chuckled as they watched her leave, her cheeks burning with the scrutiny and humiliation.

The walk home was a blur, she only felt the burning warmth of rage and the seed of doubt and fear in her stomach.

She didn’t know who to believe, it was hard seeing him in that light.

But he had the scars of a gladiator. That’s what those were.

She jogged up the stairs and into his house, tearing the handkerchief out of her hair and letting the locks fall around her shoulders as she slammed her basket down on the counter.

He turned to look at her, a question on his lips.

“Was it true.” A statement, not a question. Her chest heaved from her run. “Was what he said true?”

“What? Was what true?” Worry creased his brow as he put the rolling pin down. He wiped his hands on his apron as he moved closer to her.

She breathed in sharply. “What Malory said.”

“Mal- what did he say to you? Did he hurt you?”

She swatted his hand away, staring into his eyes. He had kind eyes, open and clear.

“He didn’t hurt me. But is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“Were you a gladiator in Lucio’s arena? The replacement for Scourge?”

His face fell, and all the colour drained from his cheeks. The reaction was all she needed to know. He was a terrible liar.

He laughed, the sound strangled. “What? Me? He must be lying. Do I look like a gladiator to you?” His smile was forced, fear sinking into his eyes. His voice strained, like if she pushed it he’d snap.

It hurt.

Him lying like this. He knew she knew, and yet he still lied.

“You’re lying,” she said, hands shaking. “You’re lying to me.” He froze, smile still forced yet wavering. She moved forward, trying to stop her shaking. “Tell me the truth.”

“I am-”

“Batsaikhan,” she growled, pausing a few steps away from him. Her heels clicked when they came to a stop. “Tell. Me. The. Truth.”

Horror flooded his face, hands shaking as he reached for her. She slapped his hand away, keeping his gaze even as he looked away from her. “I don’t want to hear an excuse. You’re a really shitty liar.”

“But I’m-”

She breathed in sharply, blinking back her hurt. It hurt, knowing he was lying. It hurt knowing that he knew she knew and he still wouldn’t tell her himself. She just wanted it from him. Not Malory or any of the others.

They would twist him, change and lie.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she snapped, rubbing her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry. “I don’t want to hear it from Malory or anyone else in this fucking city.” Her chest heaved as a tear slipped past. She didn’t want to cry but she was so...angry. It was almost all she could feel. “I want to hear it from you.”

He was trying to make himself smaller, holding the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. “It’s true,” he whispered, hurt and palpable fear cracking his voice. “I did terrible things.”

“Lucas-”

He looked at her, the look in his eye making her back up a step. He flinched. “I’m a terrible person,” he murmured, looking at his hands. They curled into fists as he turned his head.

Her expression softened into one of hurt and understanding. “You wouldn’t do it,” she said, taking one step, then two. “You wouldn’t make that choice yourself.”

“What if I did?” he asked, startling her into jumping back with the force of his words. Her heart raced, heat rising to her face with panic. “Maeve-”

She sniffed, covering her eyes. “I know you wouldn’t,” she whispered, trying to fight the doubt sprouting at the base of her stomach. “You wouldn’t. I...I don’t believe you would.”

“I’m a terrible person, Maeve.”

She flinched at the sound of her name in that tone of voice. So soft and hurt. So soft and broken.

“No,” she murmured, looking back at him. “You’re not.” She breathed in, holding the breath as she moved closer to him. “You’re Lucas.” She paused. “No, Batsaikhan. And...you’re just...that. You’re not terrible. You’re sweet, you’re kind, you have a big heart.”

“I killed people.”

“So have I.”

He paused, staring at her with wounded eyes. Tears slipped down her cheeks, she knew her eyes would redden soon. “I know you didn’t want to,” she murmured, standing in front of him. “And I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

Carving herself open.

All for him.

“How do you know that?” he muttered, not meeting her eyes and shifting nervously.

“I may not know a lot, but I know this.” She reached over to take his hand, gently opening it up to trace his palm. She kissed his fingertips, unraveling the bandages to trace the burns there. His breathing hitched audibly as she pressed her fingertips against his. Her eyes snapped up to meet his. “The Lucas of now is different from the Lucas of then. And knowing the Lucas of then isn’t going to scare me away from the Lucas of now.”

“But what if the Lucas of then was terrible?”

“He couldn’t have been that bad, he did become the Lucas of now after all.”

“...you’re only here because you didn’t know,” he muttered, staring at her with wounded eyes. “And now that you do know it’s only a matter of time before you leave again.”

She stopped, letting his hand drop. Anger slowly bubbled up in her stomach. “Is that what you think this is?” she asked, her tone sharp. “You think I’d leave over this? After all the time we spent together?”

“Thumbelina-”

“No you’re going to listen to me,” she snapped, jutting a finger in his face. “Fuck you, Karimov. I just want to hear it from you. I’m not going anywhere.” Angry tears cut through her skin, stealing the starlight from her cheeks. “But I want you to stop...running from the issue.” She sniffed, swiping at her eyes. “I want to hear it from you. I don’t want any ‘I’m a terrible person’. I will decide that.”

“But-”

“No. You will fucking tell me so I can make that choice myself.” She rocked back onto her heels, pulling at her hair. “I know what it’s like to want to keep something secret, I know why you kept it from me. I’m not mad. I’m just...hurt. Giant, I like being around you. But I don’t want you to lie to my face about something I want to know.”

She breathed in, trying to calm her panic. “I don’t…” want Lucas to lie like he did. “...you’re a terrible liar. I can see right through you.”

“But what if you do leave?” he whispered, hunching in on himself.

“Then that’s something I’d do for myself.”

“...” he sighed. “It was...it was a bad time.”

“...and?”

“Just bad. Bad people.”

“Lucas,” she murmured, reaching out to take his hand. The skin on his palm was rough under hers, years of hard labor and burn scars melting into his hands. “Please, I want to hear it from you.”

His gaze darted away from hers again, she squeezed his hand. “I was just...angry, all the time,” he murmured, a flush building across his face. There was a hardness in his eyes. “And if I wasn’t angry I was...numb. Tired. I wanted to see the trees again.”

He was shaking in her hand, she rubbed her thumb along his knuckles, keeping quiet.

“I…didn’t want to hurt them, they didn’t deserve to die. But I did so maybe I deserve…everything. I don’t deserve you either. I don’t…I’m terrible, Thumbelina, I’m a terrible person. And I don’t…I don’t know why you still…want to be around me. I’m just going to drag you down with me.”

She brought his hand up to her lips, kissing his knuckles. “See? I knew you didn’t want to. You aren’t that kind of person, darling. And you aren’t terrible.”

“But I hurt people. I did it and I was so numb and angry.”

“You were hurt. You didn’t want to.”

“I didn’t want to but I still did.”

“You had a reason.”

He paused. “Lucio…threatened my family. With…petty crimes.”

“So you did it to protect them.”

“What little I had left.”

“That’s more of a show of your character, Giant. Hurting someone for…the fun of it, is different than being forced into it. You didn’t have a choice.”

“I did have a choice! And I chose to kill people. I could…I could hurt you.”

“You wouldn’t make that choice.”

He wouldn’t look her in the eye, he looked so skittish, like he was ready to run.

“People wanted to test their will and strength against me,” he whispered, clenching and unclenching his fist. He chuckled without humour. “I really was a beast.”

The word struck a chord within her. She knew it, heard it, saw it, smelled it.

But she kept quiet.

“People were scared of me. Still are. I…deserve it. I’m not, good.”

“You don’t deserve any of that! You are good.”

“Maeve,” he snapped, ripping his hand from hers. She flinched, hands going up by her lips. He watched her back away, horror painting his face in dark colours. His eyes darkened as he fell into the role. “I hurt people for my own gain.” His voice was a low snarl, he was so tall.

So tall.

Her nerves thrummed; ‘danger’ they seemed to scream at her. Hands, gloves, dark tone. I do it out of love, you’re just being selfish. It was her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault-

“Look, I’m even scaring you too,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. She let out a tiny sob, his façade cracking at the sound. He backed off, and before he looked away she saw flashes of anger and horror on his face. “I’m not good. Whatever good you saw in me is...a lie. I hurt people and I’m trying but it’s all people see in me. How can I change if people only see that?”

“I don’t,” she whispered, trembling. “I don’t see that. I don’t see any of it. I only see you.”

“But what if I’m a monster?”

“I can’t...I won’t believe that.”

He looked at her tear streaked face, fear barely hidden under her skin. “You should. I’m a monster. It’s only a matter of time before I-”

Her fingertips sparked, stomach bubbling. “You won’t. You aren’t like him. You are you. You are broken and awful. You feel like you’re beyond help and unlovable.” He flinched at the bluntness of her tone. “But I’m not going to leave. I made my choice.”

“Why won’t you leave? It’s not like I can offer you anything. I’m not of any worth to you.”

She snarled. “You make me happy. How is that not enough?”

“I want to be useful. I want to be good.”

“You are.”

“It was a lie,” he snapped, staring at her with shaking shoulders. “It’s all they’ll see so it’s all I can be.”

“Where is this coming from?” She stared at him, his eyes peeling back the layers of hurt to show a…

Child.

He was scared.

“You’re just going to leave,” he whispered. “Like everyone else.”

“Lucas-”

“So just get it over with. You already know I’m a beast. You know I’m terrible. So why are you still here?” he snapped. “Just go.”

“I’m not going to,” she snarled, balling her hands into fists. Fire licked at her palms.

“Why not?” he said, voice rising to a yell.

She trembled, saying what she never wanted to. She was no good. She was volatile and ugly and snared. She was a rat in a trap. She was a spark waiting for the breath of air to turn into a wildfire.

She wasn’t good.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!”

He stopped, eyes going wide. He trembled, the words deathly soft. Softness that cut through her like winter cold. She almost gasped at the pain.

“Do you?”

Her lips pulled back in a sneer as she took a step, then two. He moved away, watching her cry out of anger. She scrubbed at her face, jutting a finger in his. “You. Are a fucking. ASSHOLE,” she yelled, making him jump. “‘Do you?!’” she mocked, rolling her eyes. “YES I FUCKING DO.”

“Maeve-”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” she snarled. “Oh I’m Lucas and I’m such a bad person. I act all tough in front of everyone but I’m scared.” His eyes were wide as saucers. She overstepped so many lines but she didn’t care. “I know you. You are a good fucking person. I can’t justify what you did but you did it out of desperation. People do things they regret when they are desperate.”

Her sob was choked and low, digging her palm into her eye as she gritted her teeth. “I’m fucked. Okay? I’ve been fucked for fucking years now. I haven’t...I was scared to open myself up to you. And now that I have you say ‘do you?’ what a fucking joke.”

She backed him up far enough that he ran into the sink, leaning back as she rose onto her tiptoes. “I trust you. I trust you with myself. I trust you with my heart, okay?! It’s yours and it’s always been yours. I’ve just been too stupid to see it. Fuck. Fuck you and fuck your ‘terrible person’ shtick. I’m fucking done with it.”

He went cross eyed at her finger. She flicked the tip of his nose. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Batsaikhan, that I’m not even scared. You make falling easy. You make it fun. You make it safe. I know you’ll be there for me when I reach the bottom. And if you don’t love me back that’s fine.”

She huffed, throwing her hair over one shoulder. “But I had love ruined for me. I’ve had it used against me, chaining me down and letting me drown. It’s been tainted and terrible. I wanted you gone because you scared me with how fast and how hard I was falling. It was scary and I wasn’t ready. But you…” she let out a low cry, shoulders shaking as she inhaled and exhaled in gasps. “You make it easy.”

“But I-”

“Yeah yeah. You’re ‘terrible’ so you’ve said. But if you’re a terrible person then I am unforgivable. If you don’t love me back that’s fine. It’s all fine.” She blinked, moving away from him. She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling sick. “It’s fine. I know you…you don’t feel the same,” she whispered, choking down a tiny sob. “And that’s okay. It’s okay.” Her voice cracked. It wasn’t okay. She was a fucking liar. She wanted him to love her back. She was selfish and awful.

She didn’t deserve him.

“But never doubt that I love you. I know you’re...scared and you’re hurting. I can’t...possibly imagine what you went through, I can’t. But you’re...good. You’re lovely and kind. You make life seem...lighter and I love you. You’re so...bright and wonderful you make me feel like...I can be good too. That I can be good like you.”

Her hair fell into her face as she turned away from her, pain thrumming in her chest. She swayed, stumbling a little. “You don’t have to feel the same. I know...I’m not good. But you are. And you make me want to do...better. More. You make everything more...colourful. When I’m with you everything seems okay. Knowing your past won’t scare me away from your future.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, taking in a shuddering breath. “I-I’ll just go. I’m sorry,” she whispered, moving to the door. It was all so quiet, swallowing her up and making her dizzy.

He was right. Nicolas, was right. It was always her fault. Always. Her palms slowly cooled down as she sniffed again, trying to stop crying.

“Wait.” His voice was soft, his touch even more so. She let out a tiny sob at his hand against hers, heart lifting against her will. He didn’t love her. Why would he? She wasn’t good like he was. He was beautiful and good.

She was unforgivable.

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispered, as she turned around. He trembled, and she knew she was staring in the face of a scared child. Broken, scared, longing.

Fragile.

“I-I am terrible,” he sniffed, letting her arm go and backing away a step.

She reached forward, tipping onto her toes as she cupped his cheek. He let out a small hiccup as he watched her with wide eyes. Her hands were cold against his skin, the warmth settling in her stomach as she ran the pad of her thumb against the freckles on his cheek.

He stared for a moment, shuddering as he leaned into her touch.

“No, you’re good,” she murmured, tears spilling from her eyes again. “That’s my choice. I think you’re good. No, I know you are.”

He shook, melting into her hand. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavy and shuddery.

She placed her other hand on his chest, kissing the tip of his nose. His heart was fluttering and fast under her touch.

He wrapped her up in a hug, almost lifting her up off the ground. He buried his face in her neck, she stiffened for a moment.

Slowly, she wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning back onto her heels. He tilted forward, hands on either side of her head to balance them.

“I lo-lov...I love you,” he whispered, her skin erupting with goosebumps.

He slowly moved his head so she could look at him, hair falling into his eyes. She brushed it back, laughing through her tears. He was crying now as well, face red.

“D-Don’t laugh,” he sniffed as she swiped at his cheeks. She kissed the tip of his nose as she squished his face, leaning against the door.

“You really need to get your head out of your ass,” she murmured, kissing his cheek.

He huffed, sniffing quietly. “P-Please don’t...don’t leave me. I-I’m sorry, d-d-don’t go.” He was crying more now, brows soft. “I don’t want you t-t-to leave.”

She sobbed, wrapping her arms around him again, heel smacking the door.

He whimpered, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured, running her hands through his hair. “I’m not going anywhere.” Not again.

He blinked, his face splotchy now. His nose brushed hers as he kissed her with such reverence she almost whimpered. Her nails scratched his scalp lightly as he pressed her against the door, heels tapping the floor. He caged her in with hands on either side of her face, but kissed her so softly she couldn’t feel much else.

“I love you,” he murmured softly, breath warm against her face. He kissed her again. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, cupping his face in her hands. He kissed her palm, staring at her with wounded eyes. Such soft affection, those big blue doe eyes of his.

She wrapped her arms around him, slowly sliding down the door to the floor. Her dress made a soft ‘puff’ sound as she landed hard, dragging him with her. She rested his head in her lap, hair falling like a curtain between them.

So soft it was. Soft affection, soft kisses, soft words.

The scars, the anger, the sun, the hurt, were marked along his skin. Her fingertips danced against all of them, taking him in.

He was a good person who did bad things.

And maybe...maybe, she was the same way. He made her feel like she was good. She wanted to be good like him. Then maybe she’d…

He reached up to push some of her hair behind her ear.

No, she didn’t need to earn his love. It wasn’t even about earning it.

It was realizing she didn’t need to, because she had it anyway.

“I love you.”

#the arcana #the arcana game #maeve #lucas #maevas #my writing #maeve x lucas #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #thats it thats the tag

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writefightandflightclub · 4 years

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Snarky space bois (Sub!Poe Dameron and sub!Tony Stark headcanons)

Warnings: 18+ only NSFW

GIF credits @rad-aar-blog and @the-darkling

Poe Dameron and Tony Stark have major bratty switch energy. Don’t @ me, this is a cold hard fact. Here are some thoughts thots I had about the ways they’d be similar / different in being a bratty sub for you, at the times they let you take control. Why? Idk? Please indulge me? I don’t mean you’re with them at the same time but go for it if you think you can handle that much snark. 🙈

Things get explicit under the cut!

They would both be weak for a partner who was capable of kicking their ass. Like, they see their partner take someone down (with their body or their mind tbh) and they’re just like: Yikes 🥵 *instantly good to go*. Take me down and I’ll sass you for it the whole time but I’m gonna love it and lose it if you top me and I’ll moan so pretty for you. If you can pin them to the bed, their arms above their head while they writhe under you? Fuck. They’re basically drooling for you.

They’d definitely wanna relinquish control to you to ease the pressure of being a hero. To lose control on purpose, instead of by accident (especially Tony, my god). To not have to make decisions all the time. But they’re both cocky enough that they’ll let you know you’re never fully in control. (That is, until you work your magic and they become a hot, sweaty, unravelled mess for you.)

You’re one of the few people they’ve met who can give as good as you get. They love that you can put them in their place because, tbh, few can. That’s one of the reasons you’re so good at being a brat-tamer for them. That, and how much they know they can trust you in giving their body over to you. Plus, you know all the right buttons to press to have them eating out of your hand.

Honestly, you get high from the power; knowing you can dominate such a difficult and desirable man thrills you. They don’t often listen to orders in general, but knowing they listen to you? You feel unstoppable. And hot as hell. They love how powerful you are, and whether you’re shy or not they make you feel so comfortable and capable at taking control of things (in and out of the bedroom, whether that’s running a company or a squadron, they believe in you).

If you’re not a penis owner, well they definitely wanna be pegged by you 👀 They’re so good for you and take it so well. And those pretty eyes and noises they give you in return? The way they get so hard? You love to watch them lose it. Bonus if they come on their own stomach and you lick it off afterwards, with a slight hum into their skin letting them know how good they taste. If you do this they have died and gone to heaven, and even though they’re spent it still makes their cock twitch and seek for more sensations. Maybe round two? Or three?

The praise? Oh my god. They love getting it, for starters. Fuel their already healthy egos, please (especially Tony). It’s what they deserve. But they’re also givers. They’ll praise you so hard for everything you’re doing to them, for how good you make them feel, for how gorgeous you are inside and out, proclamations spilling from their lips until you swear you’re nearly coming undone before they are. It’s always their mission to try and get you to come before you intended to, while you’re domming them, and a few times they manage it. Then, you simply have to punish them to wipe that smug look off their face, and neither of you are mad about any of this tbh.

They don’t shut up. That goes without saying. Sometimes you put their mouth to better use, but you never wanna gag them - why would you want to stop these pretty noises and words that get you off so well?! They’re vocal when they come, obviously. Soft, warm groans that build from their chest until the sound is pouring from their open lips, eyes fluttering closed. It’s your favourite sound (and sight) in the galaxy.

They’re super eager to please you. They need you to know they can’t get enough of you. Plus it just feels good to pleasure you. And you know how Tony always gotta keep his mouth and his hands busy? You can make sure he puts them to good use, whether you order his hands on you or on himself.

So many lip bites.

Sometimes, they’re too good? Like, you try and use their mouth and they have you undone in moments, and you just have to make them build you up all over again. They’re not complaining (ok well they’re gonna sass you) and, trust me, neither are you.

Neither of them are particularly into being handcuffed or blindfolded (too many negative associations, and they prefer to have their hands free to touch you, tbh). They didn’t imagine being into bondage at all as it makes them feel so vulnerable. But, since they trust you, you gently help them discover their liking for a little rope play. If you manage to try out some intricate shibari I’m betting you’d particularly enjoy the view of that bound ass and thighs, just saying. Maybe you could even slide a toy in there, I’m.. 🥵 You especially love it when they’re a little bound, because it gives you something to grab on to or a way to manipulate their position until you have them just where you want them.

Look, they’re probably down for using all manner of sex toys, on them or on you. Or both! If you’re with Tony you know he will build you something custom too. And some of these things are pretty kriffing elaborate- he’s a genius after all, and he has a pretty good imagination, if you know what I mean. If you’re with Poe, he’ll bring something back that he spotted on some alien planet and is keen to try, and at first you’re sceptical but you quickly get on board and boy, you’re glad you did. In fact, he teases you about how hard you came for weeks afterward.

They’ll try most things once. They have an adventurous spirit. Like, for example, I totally think you could convince them to wear your/some fancy underwear for a day, if it fits them. You didn’t think it’s something you’d ever be into, but Poe looks especially good in a pair of something pink and lacy, don’t look at me, bye.

A little bit of degradation is fine for them too, when you’re both in the mood. Like, if you call them names or rub your juices in their face. Maybe you spit on their cock too and make them rub it in. Maybe you call them your slut as you slide that toy or your fingers into their ass or palm their hard, needy cock.

Tony likes it if you bite him. Or scratch him. He doesn’t care if you leave marks. In fact, he likes it if you claim him as yours, for everyone to see.

Poe will almost nut any time you yank his curls. Touching his hair is a great way to get him hot under the collar in public. He especially likes it if you grab on while you use his mouth, or as you yank his head and say darkly, “look at me”, or at whatever you’re doing to him. You won’t let him close those pretty eyes while you ride him. He loses control of himself so quickly at the sight of you, it’s unreal.

They are not opposed to some light spanking, the smack of your palm on their ass or even thighs.

They like it if you carry things out of the bedroom. Like, if you sidle up to Poe in the hangar and whisper in his ear that he’s so good for you he’ll forget everything except your name and follow you obediently back to your room. It’s a good job he remembers your name as you’re gonna make him say it. A lot.

You love to tease them and get them to beg, because they don’t beg easily. You are more than up to the challenge though. You’ll edge them like no-one’s business until they’re shivering with need, and you milk every last drop of sass and cum from their body.

They want the world to know how amazing and hot and perfect you are, and they have zero embarrassment or shame. Like, half the world/base probably knows exactly what you’re into and how good you make them feel after a bunch of rather thinly veiled innuendos and jokes and comments. They never reveal anything too personal, of course, and respect your privacy. You know they’re just proud and don’t care who knows it. You’re not entirely mad at the bragging (you like to show them off too)... but you will make them suffer for it later.

You love the ongoing dynamic, and the fact that things can switch up at such short notice. You never know what you’re going to get and you keep each other on your toes. Most importantly though, you love and trust each other to the ends of the earth.

The pet names they have for you? So cute it’s almost obscene. Except a long list of terms which end up being banned by the other rebels/avengers because they work their way into every comms link, briefing, announcement, and group hang.

Afterwards? Look, these two boys are soft in the middle, and so full of love. Sometimes they might even cry a little afterwards, or sometimes you do. But they’re happy tears as you’re each so overwhelmed by sensations (and sometimes overstimulated) and by love. You try and look after them and it ends up being the other way around. They’re gonna cuddle and snuggle and kiss you everywhere. These boys are tactile and can’t get enough of touching you and letting you know they love every inch of you. They do wanna be little spoon, at first, but eventually it’s not enough and they flip around and hold you so tight like they’re never gonna let you go. They run warm and there’s no cosier or softer embrace, honestly. You feel entirely safe, and they feel safe with you.

If they do need a bit of care afterwards though, they love to curl up in your lap while you stroke their hair. To them, that’s their own personal heaven.

The snuggles usually only end when they get snacky (and like, actually snacky, and not just what they say when they wanna pleasure you all over again). But then you might make your way to the rec room/tv room and everyone else clears out, because they know you both fight so hard that every moment you have together is precious.

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #any gender reader #poe dameron imagine #poe dameron headcanon #poe dameron smut #snarky space bois #tony stark #tony stark headcanon #tony stark imagine #tony snark #star wars #sw #mcu #marvel #avengers #mcufam #tony stark smut

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nerd-takes-pony-town · 3 years

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So... Dergun Town's gone, at last - Temp. Tester Rant.

To be frankly honest, I was waiting for it to end. I stopped playing after the weird ass Pet update and sudden, unnannounced Hair Change due to “legal reasons” because the game was just getting utterly confusing, a mess of minigames with clunky customization options and systems, and whatnot. Plus, my time as a tester was when I hit the breaks on the game and realized "man... they really are dicks".

I never ranted about it because I knew if I did, they'd definitely come for me and ban me from the game or from the server because "I shittalked about the game" or “I’m unveiling the tester server”, but now that it's over - it's time for a rant.

So, think it was around May 2020 that I decided to go for Tester to better prepare myself for the future updates, the chat itself was basically... like the lobby, just mainly memes and the Dev fanatics, who will defend them 24/7, chatting with the Devs.

One of the first few things that was asked for is the Timezones so that we could test the server together - the Timezones thing is literally thrown out the window after the very first test. From there on, what they would do is ping the Testers to announce an update - at the time, we had no changelog, no proper bug report channel, it was all crowded in one place, and because they disregarded the Timezones, imagine if you will the chat being both filled with players spamming the chat with all the new shit like some happy toddlers, and another half are people who are reporting to be in class, asleep, dinnering, ect.

A chaotic mess that makes it near impossible to actually report something. Eventually, they added a bug report but once again, no proper check list - if any, the changelog and the checklist only appeared around the Argoras or Minigame Update (June-July). And, as always, the checklist was never updated, so you'd be testing something that's already been checked and other listed things wouldn't be checked at all. Organization, which is something a Tester needs, was never a fucking thing in that horrid mess. They would occasionally do polls, one of which was if the Update should release now, nearly everyone said No - they released it anyway. :^)

Then, there would be some bugs where they’d blame us for it - the /hitme was a command that was restrictedly used in the test server because the Devs somehow don’t know how to add a small quantity of resources to all of us, so he instead made a command that gives, what? Over a million of each of the resources? We ALL made sure that wasn’t toggled on the “beta” server, and yet, somehow, it got released with the commad functioning, and instead of admitting their fault, they blamed the Testers for practically saying folks not to use it - one of the testers was literally STRIPPED OFF of their Gil and other resources, and mind you, they didn’t even used the command at all, all they did was accidentally say the command.

The Moderators would also be rather cruel, everyone likes memes, that's granted, but it shouldn't mean you can willingly change our nicknames like that. Imagine switching over to the chat only to find out your name, along with all the other testers, has been changed to "Todd Howard"; you rename it, and a couple of days later, they change it yet again without your permission or consent. This isn't fun, this is just annoying. I had to walk around with "Stop changin my name" on my nickname because of them.

And like how it has been told, these Devs cannot take criticism at all. The Argoras Update will haunt me down as the Update where I was literally fighting against other testers and the Devs over something that needed to be changed. In the Test Server, the Skill Points had a Clover table, meaning you used clovers for Skill Points, the thing is in Pony Town, the rewards are remain unlocked even if you go down the unlocking mark - Dergun Town does not. So players who are unaware of this would've wasted 1k Clovers and then realize that their prizes have been taken away because they're no longer above the unlocking mark. So as a Tester, it should be my duty to warn the Devs about it and come with suggestions.

I told them without mentioning Pony Town at all (because they have a stupid policy of “if it’s close to PT, we can’t do it”) about how the Clover option will result in players losing their reward if they go below 1k and 500 Clovers respectively, which is the equivalent to hundreds of players putting all those days collecting Clovers to waste. They would ABSOLUTELY rant about it in Bugs or Help Desk. I suggested them to either:

Make the rewards unlocked still even if you left the mark.

Remove the Clover option

Add a warning when about to select Clover

Those are the ones on top of my head, what did they do?

Tom just kept ignoring what I said on the first suggestion and exclusively focusing on the second one, as if it was the only option available. Meanwhile, Q was guilt tripping me into bidding to their commands, "37,500 gil per skill if you the 50 points pure,," it's horrible, sure, but do you really want to deal with a hoard of players coming to the server to scream about how the Skill Point system stole their Clover rewards? And having to deal with a patch or two to make them happy, or worse, having to ban more players because they’re angry WITH REASON that their prizes were taken away because you idiots refuse to add something that allows the players to keep their rewards while below the mark?

You know they would do that, everyone knows they would do that. And worse is with exception of one or two Testers, the other users, specifically folks like J*y and D**r, just kept defending the Devs even though I was literally helping them prevent a future problem that everyone knew it would fucking happen. What's the point of testing a game if the Developers will fucking refuse to take your advices?

They did removed the Clovers from the options, but kept the Dandelions and the Bones, which, you guested it, STILL DIDN'T HAD THE PRIZE LOCKING! And the best part - NO WARNING REGARDING THE LOST OF THE PRIZES WAS ADDED EITHER! So players who had the Dandelion Rune and the ability to get the special items from the Bone would end up in losing them without them knowing - though it’s not as bad as the Clovers, a resource that restrictedly spawns in areas with Clovers as opposed to be map-wide and the last prize needs 1k of those, and the recent-ish Spring Update changed the green to a shade that blends with them.

I singlehandedly helped them avoid a hoard of angry players, and not a singular thank you was given.

The Quest Cap is also a thing, if the mobile users are in such a disadvantage with the Clovers being gone, then why are you adding the Cap anyway? Everyone knows that if a game is relying on the player to grind, it should not cap the Quests to a fucking T - only 20 Quests per hour?! And the NPC's Gil is both dependant on Bootleg Flight Rising Dominance... and dependant on a Clan that YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY CHANGE even if you request for such?! It's like if in Flight Rising, because Fiona has Light eyes, Light Flight would gain extra bonus treasure from here as if Dominance wasn't enough. "It's to balance the Economy", how is that going to balance, it just restricting the mobile users even further, as if the shitty battle controls on mobile that makes it impossible to battle wasn't enough.

The game was also just turning into a weird, funky, Flight Rising bootleg - fitting how the game that Q also worked on was a bootleg hybrid between Dragon Cave and Flight Rising - the release of pets with these genes and barely any use but to literally do the exact shit you do in FR. In FR, you exalt Dragons to gain a upper hand at Dominance, in DT, a rather recent-ish? Update allowed you to sell the Magikins (the gened pets, the other pets are literally useless) for Clan Tokens, giving you a boost to gain Dominance. It’s exactly like FR, I’m surprised no one ever bothered to contact the FR folks about this ripoff. The pets did had a use and it was to gain more gil but a nerf was done because, once again, they released an update were we made SURE that wasn’t happening, but somehow, it happened - the Pet-Gill Machine Glitch that allowed you to gain infinite Gil.

My pets got bugged because of it - the level got reset (it’d only reward 1-2 gil) but the price of the upgrade did not (750 gil) - I asked if that was a nerf or a bug, and as expected, they said it was nerf when it was clear as days it was a bug given how people had pets that requried 700+ gil and rewarded 30+ gil.

The game’s just a mess of minigames and FR Ripoff, I could go on and on with just how bad the game is, but the Devs are even worse.

It's really bad when they're once straight up muted someone for speaking their fucking opinion.

(You may need to zoom)

(From PMs)

This user would constantly bring the flaws in their shit without insulting, they'd argue with reason, give suggestions, everything, in hopes of improving the game. and they instead just argued back, if not, criticized them for even bringing an opinion and tried to justify themselves as to why they didn't need to change - and the users would absolutely defend the Devs like literal ass kissers, to the point of being happy they got muted.

As the user rightfully said in PMs:

I wanted to make contributions that could help improve it, but it seems like the staff just want people to do as they say without question instead of looking for ways to improve. And they desperately need to understand that the game is not just about what they want, what kinds of designs they think players should make. It should be encouraging players to try new designs and be creative, but all the devs want to do is shut that down.

I just wish they didn't have absolute power over the server. If they were accountable to their community in some way, it'd be possible to convince them to make changes when it's really necessary. Not all the time, just when their stubbornness is getting in the way of something that absolutely everybody except them wants.

The fun in these games has always been in the community. If you stifle that, you stifle the game. And unfortunately, I now can't say any of this. Making demon combat even harder for those without skill points was wholly unnecessary, too. I don't know what their obsession is with making the game so heavy on grinding.

Back when I first arrived, Dergun Town was mostly just Pony Town with more customization options, plus a few special prizes you could earn by gathering items. Nowadays it seems like the devs are more interested in forcing players to grind for literally everything than they are in adding new stuff everyone can enjoy and use.

But worse than that is how they always respond to criticism. The mini-events were the biggest example of that. Players didn't like being forced to spend all day on Dergun Town just for any chance to win an award in mini-events. It was damaging people's ability to have a life outside the game, and a lot of users complained. How did they respond? They basically threatened to remove the mini-events altogether and make all the items from them unobtainable, rather than improving on anything. This is how the staff responds to all complaints and suggestions. It's either the exact thing they want or nothing, and if they make a mistake big enough that everyone complains, rather than admitting fault, they basically punish the community for being unhappy. Their entire mentality is "play by my rules or I'm taking my toys and going home".

Reminder that when the garden update broke and erased a ton of players' houses and items, they blamed the players and said they had to do all the work to get everything that was lost back themselves.

I swear, all of this "you complained now you get nothing" and "we work hard, so be thankful to us even for terrible content" we hear in the user suggestions channel is just conditioning their player base to accept being taken for granted and mistreated. They're basically trying to induce Stockholm Syndrome.

Someone who’s also on Tumblr got banned for saying that the new design of the hairs made their characters look ugly - it was a change that was NEVER ANNOUNCED, specially considering it’s a change regarding “legal issues”, the playerbase should’ve been warned about this before they updated it. But instead, they got pissy that some people have complained about the drastically changed hairs and once again, shit down on them for complaining.

Dergun Town is an excellent example of how some people are not and never were meant to run a game - the guilt tripping, the “accept this or get lost” attitude, the behavior they had and occasionally have regarding Pony Town (search “Let’s Talk About Dergun Town” and you’ll get the document), to the point of banning the actual word “to avoid drama” aka keep folks from talking about their real fucking nature.

I am honestly happy that Dergun Town got shut down while Pony Town keeps improving and growing, karma was indeed well served.

#dergun town #pony town #pony.town #ive been keeping this for so long and i needed to let it out #dergun was bad but yall havent seen the how bad it is #or how bad it can get

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truerescreatuconfessions · 3 years

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The past few days have been like a slap in the face so I'm sorry but I'm have to say this. I apologize to everyone but this is going to be long. I am aware that Pat will probably never see this post so it's pointless, but I have to say it anyway.

First, I'm going to start with a positive. Thank you to Lilith for being brave enough to pass on that anon message to Pat. Thank you also to Burrito for giving us a place to voice our concerns where they can't be shut down, whether Pat chooses to listen or not.

Now to business. I'll start with you Pat, on the off chance that you'll someday read this somehow. As people have said, no one is complaining about your recolor OAK. Please stop trying to turn it to that because it's not that. What we are complaining about is the absolute silence with which Dan received not one but 6 OAKs. The fact that many people on staff had no idea this was an option while Rumor, who I'll get to in a bit, also got one. I have spoken to many staff and ex-staff and not a single one of them knew that OAKs were ever part of staff pay or rewards. The ones I've spoken to also hadn't ever heard of this OAK test in any way. The way it was handled with Dan covering it up and saying "we were testing to see if there was interest" was clearly him backpedaling and now it just sounds like people are just rushing around to cover his ass. I don't have to repeat what at least a dozen people have said on this blog but I will. You don't gauge interest by quietly adding a dozen OAKs to the site and saying "oh, if someone finds them completely by accident then people are interested, otherwise no one cares." You gauge interest by posting a poll, by asking people in a place where everyone can voice it, and by making it front-and-center. I know you said you aren't talking about the subject anymore, but you skirted around the sheer number of OAKs Dan got by pretending we didn't say anything about them.

About the bans you claim "never happened." There is screenshot evidence from Kina, dozens and dozens of them, that Dan cheated for her and others. Ok, screenshots can be doctored, what about the video she sent in? Was that also doctored? If those right there aren't compelling enough evidence to ban Dan, why were four people banned for screenshots? Hell, Zuzu, Shinigami, and Shinohara were all banned for speculating that Dan was cheating during the name clearing. Zuzu was allowed to return, the other three were not. What rules did they break? Did they cheat? No, they talked, exactly like you constantly encourage us to do, about how they felt and what they thought was going on. They were banned. So please Pat, never tell us that "no one is banned for voicing an opinion" because that is categorically untrue.

You might tell us there are other reasons behind the scenes. Ok, let's say that's true. Why were they banned within a day or so of those screenshots coming to light? Why was that the catalyst moment? No one else was banned and unless they had a secret cheating ring with exactly 0 other people involved it sure sounds like those screenshots were the reason.

Also please never say Dan doesn't give special treatment to people. Rumor has been banned multiple times for cheating and abusing staff tools. He still gets an OAK. Omni is a known hacker, still enjoying the site like nothing ever happened. Juke was literally banned for running a hate blog, which is still active when anyone is brave enough to post on it, currently not only back but on staff.

When Rumor was banned, he got to move all his pets to Dan's account and they were kindly returned when he was allowed back on the site. Kina also moved all her pets before she was banned but that was determined to be "unfair" and "not allowed" so they were all returned to her account. Then a conveniently-timed name clearing happened.

Let's look at that name clearing for a second. Dan repeatedly and constantly told us that he was busy and didn't have time to refresh on the site all day for the clearing. Amazingly, he was online for every single clearing. Every last one of them. The odds of that are astronomical when you consider he claims he sleeps, eats, goes out with friends, and works 8 hours a day. He also got tons of incredible, high-value names. These facts are the reason Hell and the rest suspected him of cheating in the first place and honestly that seems like a fair assumption.

You say we need to speak up, but we did. Half a dozen people on that discord said they felt horrible about something and you basically swept it under the rug by saying "oh, it took longer than planned and we didn't say anything publicly but it'll be there soon I promise. Now never speak to me about this again and I refuse to respond anymore." There's been no information anywhere on Res about anything regarding this other than a quick post Dan made only after he was called out multiple times for the number of OAKs he suddenly had.

A minor complaint that I've seen a dozen times on the SB is that new items keep getting quietly released so anyone that does quests suddenly finds themselves failing them because they don't have the items stocked up. Honestly makes me happy I don't waste time with quests. Maybe one or two items doesn't warrant a full update, but isn't that exactly what the changelog is for? For minor additions, fixes, updates, etc?

Another minor complaint I've heard from a few sources is that people continue to spam the SB with copy paste from the site. There was even a forum post about it that no staff addressed, unless that's changed since I last checked. I've seen it happen constantly while staff are on the SB with no policing of it. Why should users listen to this rule, which was added because enough people complained about it happening, when staff don't bother to uphold it?

Now to Rumor. His latest blog honestly boils my blood in so many ways. If his real information was given out and doxxed then that is absolutely disgusting and I do not stand for that. No one deserves it. I am starting this section by saying that because I want to make it clear that it's not ok that that happened, if it did. That doesn't mean I like him or agree with any other part of that blog.

Yes, I'm sure he worked long hours as a CM. You know who else did? Gunmetal, Dess, a bunch of other CMs. Someone else? All the artists, all the support and mods, all the writers. His blog makes it sound like it was just him putting in the hours and that it was purely his idea about all those events. Remember, before we got to a point where staff didn't know what was going on with events because no staff talk, staff used to all contribute together to events. Or maybe they didn't, I don't know, but they at least knew what was going on so I assume they had some input. I remember a time when asking on the SB about an event with staff around, regardless of their position, meant you could get an answer. Nowadays we have staff that have less idea than the users what's going on with an event. Staff like development, who you would assume would know everything about the event that they helped create, or mods, who should probably at least get an overview of the event if they're going to be able to help users.

Speaking of other staff helping with events. Is Rumor pretending he wrote every piece of those events on his own? Why are no writers mentioned anywhere in his list of people that spent many long hours working? He obviously can't pretend he drew everything for the event, but is he implying he wrote everything?

You say people on that list are "deserving" of OAKs Rumor. Schemes has been staff for almost no time compared to some of the old staff that you decided didn't deserve listing. Juke was banned and then unbanned, obviously more deserving than the ex-staff that still frequent the site and have never been in trouble.

Now let's turn to the thing that made me want to scream. You say to "just speak up" more. I've seen at least 8 different people, off the top of my head, told to "stop talking about it" in the SB when they voice a concern and it goes on longer than one or two sentences. Not a single one of the people I'm thinking of was being rude or starting something, they were trying to express themselves and basically being told to shut up. Often they're told to "take it to the forums" which works about as well as just saying it out loud in a room alone. No one reads the forums. Or at least very few people. Staff never responds to suggestions, not staff that can make those changes anyway, mods do sometimes and rarely an artist. Posting in the suggestions forum is like yelling into the void and hoping the void yells back. The absolute only way to be heard in the suggestion forum is advertising it nonstop on the SB and even that barely gets any staff looking.

You say this lack of communication is the reason many people have quit? Yes, that's very true, the exact opposite way you imply. People have left the site often because their feelings are silenced and their opinions completely ignored. No one reads their posts, staff don't respond to them except to tell them they're wrong or to tell them to stop talking about things, and their friends get banned for nothing while staff are allowed to continue cheating with no consequences. So you're right about that, people do leave over the lack of communication, but it's the lack of communication and understanding from staff that drives them away.

I know Pat will probably never see this, but if he does, or if someone is brave enough to link it, maybe he'll hear it. At this point considering his reactions to the people that are trying so very hard to make their voices heard on the Discord I doubt it but I can always hope.

#Rescon #RescreatuConfessions #TrueRescreatuConfessions #patrick #lilith #burrito #dan #rumor #kina #hell #zuzu #shinigami #shinohara #omni #juke #gunmetal #dess #schemes

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the-world-of-jo · 3 years

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Perseus Gambit - A Lancer TTRPG

A story I wrote for a game I play... It won't make much sense if you don't play, but I am actually proud of this piece, so. (And it's too big to put in our discord, so. >.>)

When you realize how serious things are, you aren’t prepared. As soon as Doc gives you permission, you zip into the medical wing to snag a slate, indicating you’ll be keeping it with you for a couple of days then head to your favorite reading spot in Hydroponics. It’s there the gravity of the situation hits you, and you slump back in your seat, shocked with a feeling of helplessness washing over you.

And then you realize, you’re a geneticist. This is your wheelhouse, you *know* how to repair something like this on a cellular level. And then you’re cancelling your counseling session for that afternoon, promising to circle back with her to reschedule as you head back to the labs.

You manage to avoid her for about a month before Dr. Marchand shows up in front of you. Coincidently, you’re coming out of Noah’s quarters and it’s first thing in the morning, so you have a feeling you’ve been ratted out. You give Sparky a healthy dose of side eye, but you can’t help but spare a bit for Noah as well.

They both look way too innocent for your liking.

*_*_*

You have no fucking idea how to fix this. Not a single one.

Every sim you run comes back not only with bad results, but with *fatal* results. There are over 150,000 genes in a single human, and only 5% of them on average are coded. The Kennedy’s seem to have an additional 3%, all of those enhancing their strength, speed, sight, hearing, smell…

They were also disease resistant, so whatever was affecting Elias was almost absolutely genetic. But Doc had that much figured out.

The jarring ***”BONG”*** of another failed sim is followed in rapid succession by three more, and you sigh and close your eyes for a moment. Then, you get back to work, filing away the results and setting up new sims.

There was still time. Not a lot, but you intended to make the most of it. You ‘steal’ a few other unused computers and begin running sims on those, corralling a few sub alts to move them into what’s been coined as “Lee’s Area”. Someone even made a little paper sign and it made you chuckle.

You sat back and logged into a ninth research station, beginning to look up any new research methods or new genetic information that might have come available since you left Union Space.

It doesn’t surprise you that what you and Doc have been doing is light years beyond anything you find in published works.

*_*_*

The clock in your head is making ‘tick-tock’ noises at random times, and you know it’s an auditory hallucination, but god fucking damnit it needs to quit. You make sure to keep this away from both Drs. Marchand and Lakani, and for the most part, you succeed.

But now, signs of degradation are showing up in Noah. ***Your*** Noah.

You begin snagging more computers as they sit idle. One sub-alt has been stationed near your area for a couple of weeks now since you always seem to request him. Yes, him. You’ve named him Bruce, after Bruce Banner. It’s a nerd joke and it makes you smile, but nobody else seems to understand.

That’s okay though.

Doc tried banning you from the labs until you got some decent rest and food. And you tried, you really did, but.

In less than two hours, you were moving through the ducts, army crawling at times. You pulled a screwdriver out of your back pocket and undid the screws holding a grate in place, and moving it aside you dropped gracefully into the middle of your area.

Right in front of Doc.

Nodding at him in greeting, you pulled a sandwich and a bottle of Galaxy Dew from your backpack and set it at your research desk, then sat your butt down and resumed working. You left your slate on it’s home screen purposefully since your background was a picture of Noah holding Sparky (that you’d taken with permission).

Doc didn’t miss the gesture and instead of ordering you back out, he had Raum lift the restrictions on you and gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze.

You hear the doors whoosh open and in trots Sparky, a bag of granola and a bag of trailmix held in his mouth. He puts his paws on your knee and looks hopeful that his offering will be accepted. You can’t help but smile and pet him gently. “Thanks for the snacks buddy. I forgot to get dessert.”

Sparky looks quite happy as you add the baggies next to your sandwich.

You do actually eat everything.

*_*_*

Eventually though, one night, while you’re alone in the labs, the last ***”BONG”*** still fresh in your mind, you look up at the ceiling and ask Raum for help. You just need a direction, to know *where* to look. This random shooting in the dark bull shit is getting everyone nowhere and fast.

In your experience, ‘mad scientist’ types have a signature, a way they do things or a way they code things. You’ve been able to figure out which high profile geneticist has written a certain piece in journals, not by their wording but by their projects, and you can’t think of anyone more infamous than Cyrus Jacobi.

Or, as the medical world knew him - Josef Mengele.

If anyone from HA had even mentioned him, and that person had anything to do with their cloning programs, it’d at least, at the ***very least*** point you in a direction, because mad scientist types had a signature, and they liked paying homage to their heroes.

And then one day, Tane asks you “If you could have anything…”

And you tell him. You give him a laundry list of things that could assist you, and you realize if this information ever got into your hands, you’d be very very close to being arrested and tossed in the brig for *life*.

You think *Three squares a day, an actual bed to sleep on...If I handled Milaniko for ten years, I can handle that for life.*

And you wait.

***”BONG, BONG, BONG”***

The sound begins to haunt your dreams.

*_*_*

Noah is the only one who can coax you out, and he does so every day to have dinner with you and make sure you get some rest after.

The guilt gnaws at you when you slip out of bed well before your alarm goes off, and head toward the labs. But time is running out, and that fucking clock is getting louder and louder. It doesn’t matter that people are staring at you, and the fact that your clothes are pretty damn loose doesn’t matter either.

Your nutritional profile has been met each and every day thanks to protein shakes and bars, and Sparky is...suspicious. He’s not advanced enough to know you’re effectively working the system, but he knows *something* is not right. In his view, you should not be losing weight.

Well. You are. But it can be remedied once you figure this shit out.

Doc has been forcing you to take breaks, just for an hour. When your schedules align (and they do at least once a day and you know Doc is doing that on purpose and you love him for it), you spend the time with Noah in his office, grabbing a snack or dozing in one of the extra chairs.

The times you don’t line up with Noah, you head to the mech bay and straight to Beauty, always bringing an offering of donuts or some type of potato dish. Opal is kind enough to not turn you away, Beauty’s hand lowering to lift you up to the cockpit. You’re always sure to thank Beauty, then you sit next to Opal, your offering balancing on both your knee and hers.

She doesn’t question you, doesn’t make you talk, doesn’t comment when you know you’re muttering out loud. Sometimes she leans against you, her shoulder offering quiet support and those are the hardest times, when you have to clench your jaw shut to keep from openly sobbing and admitting how scared you are. How you’re not sure if you can figure this puzzle out, and as a result of your own incompetence you stand to lose not only a dear friend, but the love of your life.

You have a feeling she knows what thoughts run through your head, and you’re grateful that she doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t even comment on the tears that track down your cheeks only to fall from your chin.

You are so, so grateful for that, and you somehow draw strength from sitting with her.

It’s enough that you can head back into the lab yet again.

*_*_*

The next time the Dvorak drops out of near light, you’ve all but moved into the labs. You don’t notice the whoosh of the doors opening at first, but that’s because you’re all but actually absorbing the data on one of the doctors involved with HA cloning, who did indeed cite Jacobi as an amazing scientist.

When the sub-alt rolls up, you mistake it for Bruce, but then Raum’s voice is piped into your brain via your shunt.

A gift. From Tane.

You look at the isolated slate, then take it from the alt, thanking Raum profusely. You stare at it for a moment, the device seeming so small in your hands.

You rip the privacy screen from your own slate (and you may have actually broken the screen - Marcus will be pissed if he has to replace another one) and slap it onto the new one and begin devouring the information. There’s so much here, too much, enough that you have to ask Raum to help you sift through it all.

But...but...when he flags pages he thinks you need, your heart races.

Schematics. Not of the Kennedys, but of prior models.

Maintenance records, upkeep recommendations. Nutritional requirements, formulae for a metabolic stabilizer…

And then you see it. Written by the doctor who quoted Jacobi.

***Genetic coding information***.

You rip through the document and as you read, you begin to babble.

“Jesus fuck, it’s in the junk. They actually put it in the junk DNA, where nobody would fucking think. We need to change everything, absolutely everything, did he work on the...Ken...He did, he fucking did, he worked on the Kennedys, okay, so if that’s the case I’m betting he put them in the same places but there’s probably different locks, different fail safes but if we find one we can tweak it to fit other locks and we need to rethink everything christ we don’t have enough *time* and -”

Hands on your shoulder make you look up, and instinctively you pull the slate against your chest, protecting it. Raum has gone quiet in your mind.

“My boy,” Doc says. “You’re speaking in tongues.”

“We need to change where we look,” you blurt out. “They put the locks in the junk DNA. We need to change course, we need more computers, we need -”

“What? Brawley…” Doc’s eyes stray to the slate and you pull it closer to your chest. He knows there’s something on there that you shouldn’t have and he’s silent for a moment.

“Are you sure?” he asks, shaking you just a bit for emphasis.

“Yes.” Your voice doesn’t waiver.

He nods, then turns from you and begins barking out orders to other assistants and all the screens go black. It takes but a moment for them to reboot, blank screens ready for new directives.

You log into each one individually and set up sims, directing the machines to paw through almost 125,000 pieces of DNA.

You still need more machines.

*_*_*

A few days later you zip into the lab only to find your area almost empty. Your heart lurches from your chest into your throat, but Doc is there, turning you to the right and giving you a nudge forward.

There’s a new section in the lab. Huge, with bright lights, tons of computer banks, frosted windows and a door with a keypad and retina scanner for entry. And the name plaque reads “Brawley Stonehurst”

You pause only enough to look back at Doc and offer him a grin, but then you’re rushing forward, Sparky right behind you, the door opening with a quiet whoosh. There’re more computers than you’ve ever dared ‘steal’ on the main floor, but you quickly commandeer each and every one, setting them up for various sims.

The grating ***”BONG”*** is still the sound you’re constantly hearing.

*_*_*

It’s been a bad day. There’s talk of ventilation for Elias, and he really needs to come off of active duty, but he’s fighting tooth and nail to remain.

Noah hasn’t been able to really lead his classes, nor has he been able to spar with Masek at the level they’re both used to. Sparky has taken it upon himself to spend most of his time with Noah. When he asks you if this is acceptable, you say it is and rearrange his priorities to put Noah first and yourself second.

Doc finds out and he’s in your office questioning the decision, pointing out that Noah and Elias aren’t the only ones deteriorating, and you’re about to call him out on the pot calling the kettle black, but…

But…

***”BING”***

You both stop, staring at each other, and it takes you almost a solid minute to realize one of the sims has finished.

And the text, it’s not *green*, it’s not a *success*, but it’s...not a critical fail. The text is yellow, telling you that you’re on the right track but you need to tweak things and you can do that, the data is promising and you look at Doc and you can feel yourself grinning and -

***”chime”***

Again, you both stop and you know your eyes are huge, you know this because his are as well. It doesn’t take nearly as long for you to begin looking around frantically -

***”chime”.......”chime”......”chime”***

One by one, five different screens light up with green text.

*_*_*

Dr. Anath Lakani is fucking amazing. There’s a reason you’ve been starry eyed since he said he’d take you on as a resident. Your mind is quick, and you know this, but his…

Christ on a cracker, watching that man work is breathtaking for a science nerd like you.

He takes your findings and spins the results into formulae and then spins those into an actual therapy faster than anything you’ve ever seen. And you watch, because this is porn for you, this creating something to save a life from numbers and codes and this and that. In theory, you can do this as well, but not this quickly.

Doc’s skills come from years of experience, and you are nothing short of a captive audience.

Arrangements are made to have Elias come in the very next morning and he’s agreeable. His words were something along the lines of “What have I got to lose?”, and that just…

Your breath leaves you as if you were punched in the gut, and *gods*...

“Please let this work,” you whisper to yourself as you head home.

To Noah. Who is resting in his quarters and only quirks a brow as he looks up from his slate when you come in, then lean back against the door, just looking at him.

He’s pale, too pale, with shadows under his eyes. And you’re not sure if it’s fact or if it’s your mind playing tricks on you, but his cheekbones seem even more pronounced today than they did yesterday.

“It’s early,” he murmurs, and it is, not even gone 20:00 yet. “Have you eaten?”

“No,” you say, your voice coming out in a whisper. “I wanted...shower,” you finish lamely.

Legally, you can’t tell him. This is Elias’ business, not Noah’s.

But there’s that soft smile, the one that’s just for you. “Go on then,” he says. “I’ll have a sub alt bring something from the mess.”

“You gonna eat too?”

“I’ll have something.”

He knows you’ll pester him. Even though he really doesn’t have much of an appetite.

While in the shower, you think about the sims running for Noah’s treatment. You’re jumping the gun, but Elias’ is almost completely mapped out, with only one part of the therapy being in question. In theory, even if that fails, the results will tell you and Doc where to go next, but that clock is still ticking, loud as ever.

You must have been in there a lot longer than you thought, because the next thing you know Sparky’s sitting outside the shower stall looking up at you. Once he sees he has your attention, he sends a query, checking on you.

*Just lost in thought,* you reply.

*Supper is here! KenKen has lounge coverings waiting for you. They are nice and warm!* And with that, Sparky dashes out of the bathroom.

After drying off, going out to get dressed (and you don’t miss the appraising look Noah gives you, but you ignore it because no, you don’t look your best and you realize this but that’s not what he’s concerned about) and eating, you curl up with him, your head on his shoulder.

It’s quiet in a way that ships are, which is to say it’s not *really* quiet, but there’s no voices, no computers, no bonks or bings or chimes or anything. Just the sound of Noah breathing, and if you hold your breath, his heart beat.

“Elias is starting a new therapy in the morning,” you whisper and you feel Noah go still against you. “The projected success rate of the first two rounds is 98%, but the third is hovering around 80%. Even if the third is a failure, we’ll know by the results which way to go. Doc is prepping the bases tonight and tomorrow, but it’s still going to be close, I think. Depends if it fails if it causes any domino effects.”

He’s staring at you now, so you continue.

“I’m running your sims in my office, and two have finished. They weren’t successful, but they weren’t failures. I’m going off the assumption that since you and Elias are from the same...batch,” (that term burns in your throat) “that you’ll need similar therapies.”

“How,” Noah starts, his voice raspy. He clears his throat, then resumes. “How did you…?’ He can’t finish the question, and you don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t know what to ask or if it’s because he can’t ask, but you look up at him.

“Please don’t ask me that,” you whisper. He’s head of security, and even if this would save his life, he would be duty bound.

His eyes leave you and move to your backpack, the forbidden slate hidden inside. He’d seen it, before, noticed it wasn’t yours or one from medical and asked about it. You’d pretended not to hear him, raising your head and blinking, bleary eyed (that wasn’t a lie, at least).

*Raum,* you send out over the comms and his reply is almost instant.

*Taken care of.*

You know the next time you pick the slate up, it’ll be blank. But that’s okay. You also know the information is someplace safe, and all you have to do is ask Raum in order to access it.

When Noah’s eyes return to you, you’re already asleep, curled protectively around him.

*_*_*

When Elias’s third round fails, it is almost catastrophic and both you and Doc are scrambling to keep him stable until the last formulae can be finished. The two of you work well together, both talking over each other and accessing various machines via your neural connections. Nobody will be able to convince you that was the only reason Elias was stabilized as quickly as he had been - while neither of you is super humanly fast, you’re faster than the average person and with both of you working, it’s...harrowing, but it could have been worse.

Much, much worse.

But, the now fourth round is administered and it works, it works so beautifully. Further degradation is essentially halted, or at the very least slowed to a crawl and not only that, but Elias’ body can begin repairs. His stem cells are fine, and with that vital system working as intended, modern medicine only needs to give his respiratory and cardiac systems a boost to get healing started.

Noah’s therapies go so much smoother, and you feel a little guilty for that. Elias doesn’t give a fuck, and the day he’s taken off his oxygen feed his smile stretches from ear to ear.

Noah wears one similar to it, and you finally know what people mean when they say their hearts are so full that they’re bursting.

Physical therapy is something Elias is eager to start, and you’ve got your hands in that as well because you cannot and will not leave either of these men alone it seems. But in this case, it’s not a bad thing because while you’re in the gym with Elias, you’re working on your own fitness regimen as well.

His upper body strength comes back slowly, but his lower body is a bit slower still, if only because he’d been in a wheelchair for an extended period of time. Hydro therapy was a thing for a while, but eventually, Elias began trying to stand.

You’re hella impressed at his determination, and his positive attitude makes you smile. You’re there with him when he stands on his own for the first time, the sub alt holding his chair steady in case he needs to sit back down quickly. You’re aware Cap is in the room as well, but your attention is solely on Elias. It’s a bit of a struggle, and his face is flushed and his breathing slightly labored (his oxygen saturation is at 98%, so you’re not in the least bit worried), but eventually, he’s standing. He takes a breath, finds his balance, and lets go of the supports.

His legs don’t buckle. He looks down as if he’s having trouble believing it, then he looks up at you and grins that infectious grin and you can’t help but smile back.

Then you notice Cap, who’s watching, and you’re not sure, but his eyes look suspiciously bright. He looks to you and nods with a smile, and you look back to Elias and move to help him sit back down, then step away as father and son have a moment, Cap moving closer and speaking softly to Elias.

*_*_*

You’re sitting with the entire group, including Noah (because you asked him to come have dinner and he said yes because he loves you and he also loves Masek’s cooking because who does NOT love Masek’s cooking???) when the alert chimes at the door. It takes a minute for it to open, but when it does, Elias is standing there, grinning, and he walks in under his own power.

That night, the only sound haunting your dreams is laughter and you’ve never slept better in your life.

#Space Shenanagains #Brawley Stonehurst #Noah Kennedy #Elias Kennedy #Lancer #Perseus Gambit #I cannot spell but I did use spell check

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cutebutstillsingle · 3 years

Text

... you mean designed to be deleted because the people at @Hinge are not the brightest crayons in the box?

I violated nothing, let me assure you. I have a master’s degree, I’m a perfectly upstanding citizen who was genuinely on Hinge hoping to engage in some harmless socialization with good men. I wasn't even on there with the intention of seeking a romantic relationship after learning from my last bf (found on Hinge) that shit can’t be moving too quickly. You really gotta take your time with dudes these days.

So here’s what went down when I reactivated my Hinge account this time, in 2021...

Within one week of firing up a Hinge account I got Catfished and lied to three times. The first was by a person who didn’t mention they had children, until the baby showed up on the video date-from-home chat. Second, by a guy who looked nothing like his fucking pictures OK? Homie was a good 200 pounds bigger than the person in the photograph, looked nothing like the person in the photo except by maybe ethnicity, and even during the date-from-home video he refused to ever put the camera lower than to allow me to see the top third of his face, while blaming the strange angle on the lighting. And then, the third, and the worst —I got tooth-fished. By which I mean unfortunately the dude was legit missing multiple front teeth. Which of course did not come across in his photos on his Hinge profile.

No offense to anyone toothless out there, but if you are toothless in your 30s and beyond, you should know by that age to get some dental work done. And if you’re cruising around hiding the fact that you’re the father of a toddler, or that you’re 200 pounds heavier than the photos you choose to put on your dating profile, I don’t know what to say about your mental stability and/or social intelligence. Except that you are lying. You’re lying to the people on Hinge and you’re lying to yourself and in profound denial about your true state.

To make a long story short, I’m sure it was one of these guys I had to un-hinge from who likely reported fake violations and got my account shut down.

But getting banned Hinge did make me realize that as a woman, we need to craft our profile much more mindfully. Because apparently at any moment’s notice you can get banned by the app without a reason, investigation, or warning. And God only knows who’s “reporting” your profile, or what is happening to your information and photographs. For all you know, the 300 pound creepers with kids they’re hiding and no teeth are screenshooting all of your information, and doing who the hell knows with it. There is theoretically nothing stopping a creepy ass dude from taking all of your photos and turning them into another fake profile or throwing it up on some other website. Who the hell knows what any of these social media apps do with the world’s photos and information, is the point.

That being said, here is my advice:

-Leave off any obvious identifiers that would easily allow yourself to be noticed in public if you don’t want the bitter rejected gentleman callers to be able to spot me in public. Or sex traffickers. Real talk. Listen up, ladies.

- leave your rare breed pets off the account.

- leave all kids’ faces off dating profiles. I don’t even know how it’s legal for dating sites to allow children’s faces on them; even if it is your very own child, that’s not the point. The reality is that sex traffickers can memorize you, screenshot that photo, and stalk you and your child at Walmart. Sex trafficking is so real in my state. It is a MAJOR problem.

- Never, ever feature your car on your dating profile. This should be sound advice for men, too. I know you males love to floss your vehicles cause dudes are obsessed with cars-- yeah maybe stop doing that.

- For the love of god never, ever put your last name on a dating profile & maybe even shorten your first name or deliberately misspell a rare name so that stalkers don’t background check yo ass. If they ask you “is that your real name?” let them believe whatever they want. The only people who are safe to put a complete name on a dating site are men in the military. Because they know how to operate firearms and how to engage in hand-to-hand combat when they’re in a situation of danger. The average woman? Not so much. Even those of you men who ARE soldier dads-- don’t put your firs and last name on that shit and make your children vulnerable to sex traffickers.

- Don’t give people locational details, tell them where you work, or what businesses you own. You can say what industry you work in; so something like “Jenny. Teacher at Public School”. A guy who owns a very specifically-named health bar/ smoothie bowl business in my city told me he was the owner of what he claimed was a family business. And he failed to realize that he is mixing business and personal life with complete strangers from the internet. If he makes a poor impression, or we don’t end up vibing, I can’t ever go into that business ever again, yenno? And I really like that business. So I made it clear that I would prolly not pursue anything. And I suggested he not tell girls the name of his (family) business, for the business’ sake.

- Never use your actual phone number as you are getting to know guys from dating sites. Two words: google voice. if you meet up IRL and he is safe & cool, then he may earn your real number thereafter.

- Be extra cautious with travelers. Many men vacation-date. Hell, I’ve vacation-dated, many times (domestically, not internationally). And you do not know who those fools really are. They could be married. They could have criminal records. Not only are they complete strangers but they are complete strangers from different states. Pay attention to the details they give you. for example, I was talking to a guy on Hinge who said he was a doctor. And then he said he got a Covid test from CVS in order to prepare for his trip to my state. His hometown listed one location, and then he said he lived in another state. I’m the kind of woman who pays attention to these kinds of details. If the man is a medical doctor, why would he need a Covid test from CVS? Would he not be able to get one from the hospital he works at??? Why is Hinge more concerned about people’s ‘hometown’ then they are with someone’s city of residence, yenno? Just me?

Anyway, I hope these safety tips keep you safer out there as you navigate the treacherous seas of online dating. And now you all know that Hinge will spontaneously delete your account at random if they feel like it. Maybe Hinge deleting my account unfairly is a blessing in disguise...

#hinge app #dating #dating apps #online dating #safety #safety tips #online dating safety tips #dating advice

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ryqoshay · 4 years

Text

Tri-Arame: Sitting Sasuke

Primary Pairing Trio: YuuAyuSetsu Words: ~3k Rating: G Time Frame: Late in the first trimester of their 2nd year Story Arc: Stand Alone

———-

Author’s Note: Ever since myon included Sasuke in her SetsuAyu doujin, I knew I needed to include Ayumu’s pet in my fic as well. And I had to borrow a certain idea from the doujin as well, because it fit so well with headcanons I already had for the girls.

I’ll link the doujin as well as another source of inspiration in my followup post so tumblr doesn’t drop this one from searches; the tag is barren enough as it is...

----------

Setsuna hummed happily to herself as she entered the clubroom and turned toward her hidden stash of manga with the intent of getting a chapter or two read before the others arrived. The next book was being released soon in one of her favorite series, so she wanted to reread the previous book to remind herself where everything had left off. Of course, the series was so good that any of the books warranted a reread on their own merit as well.

However, something on the other side of the room caught Setsuna’s eye. Strange, she didn’t remember an aquarium there before. Her manga quickly forgotten, she made her way over. Oh, it wasn’t an aquarium as it wasn’t filled with water, rather it just had a bowl of it in the middle. What was the term used for… terrarium, that was it. So, what critter had one of her friends decided to bring to school?

Setsuna hunched down to get a better view into the various structures in which an animal could hide within the terrarium. At first, she didn’t see anything, so she shifted her position to check through one of the side panels. And that was when she finally spotted it, a purple snake, coiled up inside something that resembled a pink rabbit.

“It’s so~ cu~te!” Setsuna couldn’t help saying aloud as she stared, transfixed at the animal.

Though she’d never considered herself a fan of snakes, she wasn’t exactly afraid of them either. She’d seen larger snakes at the zoo and smaller ones while out hiking but had always been indifferent toward them. This time, however, instead of a neutral reaction, she found herself wanting to hold this one and see it up close. As such, Setsuna had to resist the urge to pull off the top of the terrarium and reach in. It would be best to ask permission from the owner, she told herself. After all, she didn’t know if it was venomous or if it would be afraid of strangers or whatever and the last thing she wanted to do was to scare or hurt the cute little thing.

“Setsuna-chan?”

Setsuna jumped and let out a startled cry as she whirled to face the door, twisting awkwardly from her position and throwing herself off balance. “Yuu-san? Ayumu-san?” She uttered, catching herself on the bookshelf.

“You found him…” Ayumu’s expression was apologetic.

“Eh?” Setsuna was confused. How was she expected to not notice such a sizable addition to the clubroom?

“Sorry for not asking permission first.”

Oh. Yeah, it did actually violate one of the school’s policies. But Setsuna hadn’t even considered that earlier as she had been so distracted by the adorableness. And of course, he belonged to Ayumu, the pink rabbit enclosure should have been enough of a giveaway.

“It’s fine. I’ll let it slide this time.” Setsuna assured.

Relief took over Ayumu’s posture. “Thank you.”

“So, to what do we owe the pleasure of his visit?”

“Construction.” Yuu said.

“Hm?”

“That storm last week did some damage to the exterior of our apartment complex.” Yuu explained further. “So now they’re fixing it.”

“And the noise has been stressing out Sasuke to the point where he’s not eating or even wanting to be held or do anything other than hide.” Ayumu continued.

“So, poor Sasuke-san is scared?” Setsuna turned her attention back to the terrarium. “Awwww…”

“Under different circumstances, I’d give him to Yuu-chan for a little while, but she’s right next door, so that wouldn’t be much of an escape.”

“That makes sense.”

“Plus, I’ve temporarily banned Yuu-chan from feeding Sasuke because she…”

“Ayumu~!” Yuu suddenly whined. “That’s supposed to be a secret! And besides, it’s not my fault he keeps looking at me with those adorable, pleading eyes. How could I not give him a second serving?” She blinked and covered her mouth as she realized she had just been the one to divulge the details of the supposed secret.

Both Setsuna and Ayumu laughed a little at the cute behavior.

“Anyway,” Ayumu continued “I was hoping I could either leave him here for a little while or maybe someone from the club could…”

“I’ll take him!” Setsuna offered before realizing she was interrupting. “Sorry, I mean…”

This time, it was Yuu who chuckled at the reaction.

“It’s alright.” Ayumu dismissed with a shake of her head and a smile. “But are you sure? Do you want to check with your parents first?”

“It will be fine.”

“Have you ever taken care of a snake before?”

“No, but surly I can look up what I need online, right?”

“I’ll just write up a list of things that Sasuke is used to, like feeding times and temperatures and light and such.”

“That works too.” Setsuna nodded. “Say, uhm… you said he didn’t like being held…”

“Oh, no, he usually likes it when I hold and play with him, but he’s just been so stressed by the noise…”

“I see, do you think maybe I could…” Setsuna’s gaze drifted back toward the terrarium.

“Well, he’s pretty shy around strangers.” Ayumu admitted. “It took him a number of visits to get used to Yuu-chan. You’re welcome to try, of course, but don’t be too disappointed if he doesn’t respond.”

Setsuna couldn’t help smiling as she lifted the hinged portion of the lid. “Hey, Sasuke-san.” She cooed as she reached her hand toward the pink structure.

A curious purple head poked out at the mention of his name and a forked tongue flicked out to taste the scent of the new person invading his home. Setsuna paused a few centimeters away, remembering Ayumu saying he might be shy and hoping Sasuke would be the one to close the distance. Thankfully, her instincts were right and a moment later he was coiling around her hand and wrist. She giggled at the strange sensation of scales sliding over her skin.

“Wow…” Yuu breathed in awe.

“I think he likes you, Setsuna-chan.” Ayumu said happily.

“He really is adorable…” Setsuna swooned as she pulled her arm out of the tank and moved it closer so she could better inspect the creature.

As if in response to the praise, Sasuke slithered farther up the raven-haired girl’s arm and held his head up close to her face.

“Uhm, forgive me for asking, Ayumu-san,” Setsuna started as she reached her free hand up to pat the snake gently on the head “but what made you choose a snake for a pet? He’s adorable, but I would have thought you would go with something…” she paused to decide the best word “fluffier? Like a rabbit or something.”

“It was all Yuu-chan’s fault.” Ayumu responded with a smile that indicated a wealth of warm memories were welling up within her.

Of course. That made sense.

“Rabbits are definitely one of my favorite animals,” the redhead continued “and Yuu-chan has known that since not long after we met. So, for my birthday one year, she saved up and tried to buy a stuffed rabbit she knew I would like.”

“But it turned out to be a bit too expensive.” Yuu added with a slightly embarrassed chuckle. “So as a last resort, I found a plush I knew I could get from a crane machine, a purple snake. I was worried she wouldn’t like it, but…”

“I’m sure Ayumu-san would like any gift from Yuu-san.” Setsuna thought aloud.

“You’re right there, Setsuna-chan.” Ayumu confirmed.

“Working hard to obtain a gift but ending up having to get something else that is still loved by the recipient because the thoughtfulness of the giver is more important to them is a classic trope.” Setsuna explained. “Some of my favorite episodes and chapters have been centered around such a plot device.”

Both Yuu and Ayumu laughed lightly.

“So that made you fall in love with snakes and that’s why you got Sasuke-san?” Setsuna pondered.

Ayumu shook her head. “No, that was Yuu-chan again. She spotted him at a pet store and set up a plan for me to get him.”

“Like with the plush from years before, he was more expensive than I could afford.” Yuu admitted. “But I had the store hold him for a few days and between Ayumu and I, and with some help from her parents, we were able to get him.”

“Mmm, that sounds nice.” Setsuna said with a smile, despite a small pang of jealousy. But who could blame her? Who wouldn’t want to be with someone so obviously devoted to them? “Hehe.” She suddenly laughed as a completely different idea came to her. “If I put him over my shoulders, instead of a feather boa, I’d be wearing an actual boa.”

“He’s a python actually.” Ayumu corrected. “A ball python. But he does like riding on my shoulders at home.”

“Want to ride my shoulders?” Setsuna asked of the snake on her arm as if he might actually understand. “I’d wear him through practice if I wasn’t afraid of him falling.” She continued as she coaxed Sasuke into position.

“He’s pretty good at holding on as I walk around.” Ayumu said. “But the sudden movements of our dances might scare him.”

“Mmm.” Setsuna nodded in agreement. “But still, wouldn’t it be fun to design a costume around him?”

“Maybe write a song about him?” Yuu chimed in.

“Yeah, something like a ballad with slow, graceful movements.” She hummed a random tune and made gentle wave motions with her arms, carefully monitoring Sasuke’s response. “Though I suppose if he’s shy, he may not like the crowd too much…”

“Or the flashing lights and effects.” Ayumu added.

“Well if that’s a concern, why not a small, private show?” Yuu suggested. “Like just the three of us?”

“That might work better.” Ayumu seemed to be warming to the idea.

“Sounds like fun.” Setsuna said with an excited smile.

“Oh, and if we do want to share it with others,” Yuu shared in the excitement “we could always film it and make it a PV to post online.”

“That’s an amazing idea, Yuu-san! We should try that someday.”

“Semp… AAAIII!” Kasumi’s call for her senior turned into a scream.

“Kasumi-san?!” Shizuku exclaimed as her fellow first-year spun and barreled into her as though she had forgotten she was there.

“S-s-snake!” The ash blonde cried in a panic, trying to push past the brunette to escape the clubroom they had just entered.

“Kasumi-san, wait!” Shizuku called before giving chase to her fellow first-year.

“Uhm…” Setsuna pondered as she moved back toward the terrarium. “Do we have anything here that we could use to cover this thing until I can bring it home after practice?”

“I think Kanata-san has a blanket or two…” Yuu thought aloud.

“We probably shouldn’t borrow them without her permission.” Ayumu dismissed. “What if she is scared of snakes as well and it ends up bothering her to have her blankets used in such a way?”

“Perhaps we can leave him in the student counsel office for the time being?” Setsuna offered.

“That sounds good.” Ayumu nodded.

“Back in you go, Sasuke-san.” Setsuna guided the snake down her arm and into his terrarium. “Everything will be alright. One short little move now and another big one in a bit, but then you’ll be in a nice quite apartment. Sound like a plan?”

For his part, Sasuke slithered into his rabbit enclosure and coiled up. However, after a moment, he poked his head out and stared at Setsuna for a few seconds before pulling back in.

“Looks like he agrees.” Ayumu commented before lifting the tank to take it to the student counsel office.

----------

Everything was not alright.

Setsuna sighed as she stared at the snake in the terrarium she had just finished setting up in her room.

She really should have checked with her parents first. Or perhaps she should have made sure she knew everything about caring for a snake before she jumped at the opportunity to do so. While she maintained confidence that she was able to do everything on Ayumu’s list, it took quite a bit of convincing before her parents let her store the frozen mice in their freezer.

And what the heck was up with this one instruction on the list? Was it normal for snake owners to sing to their pets to encourage them to eat? Or was it simply something special Ayumu did for Sasuke?

Well, Setsuna did recall reading at some point about some study performed with music as an aid in plant growth. And it was true that music had a power that transcended the need to understand the language of the lyrics. Babies and many mammals responded positively to music. So why not reptiles? Suddenly, the practice no longer seemed strange to Setsuna.

She got up and quickly made her way to the bathroom to retrieve the mouse she had left thawing in the sink. Ayumu had mentioned that since Sasuke was well past his scheduled feeding, that Setsuna should make an attempt as soon as possible.

“Ready to eat, Sasuke-san?” Setsuna asked, pulling the mouse out of its bag with a large pair of tweezers and opening the lid of the terrarium. “Here comes a cute little mouse.” She moved the food as though to pretend it was alive.

When Sasuke did not seem to repond, Setsuna leaned down to check. Sure enough, he hadn’t budged at all. His eyes were open, so he was undoubtedly aware of Setsuna and the presence of food, but he remained still.

Well, music it is then. Setsuna stood straight and took a breath.

“Hashiridashita! Omoi wa tsuyoku suru yo.” Setsuna began, keeping her volume low so as not to disturb her parents. However, she almost forgot the next line when Sasuke’s head popped out of his enclosure. “Nayandara kimi no te o nigirou.” The snake seemed to be ignoring the mouse and stared directly up at her. As there was no music accompanying her, Setsuna skipped a few beats ahead to keep the song going. “Daiji na kimochi maru de uragiru you ni sugoshita…”

Setsuna continued through the first verse, watching Sasuke for any further response beyond occasionally flicking out his tongue. Upon reaching the chorus, she began moving the mouse again. This time, it caught Sasuke’s attention. Just inside the enclosure, Setsuna could see scales sliding past each other as the snake shifted its position. Then, right as she reached the end of the chorus, Sasuke struck.

Startled at the swift movement, Setsuna almost dropped the tweezers. Her mental record scratched for second before she recovered and continued into the second verse. She then withdrew the tweezers and gently closed the lid before watching with fascination as Sasuke began the process of slowly swallowing the mouse.

Only a bulge behind Sasuke’s head remained as evidence of his feeding by the time Setsuna finished her song. Smiling, she retrieved her phone and snapped a quick picture to send to Ayumu.

“Good boy, Sasuke-san.” Setsuna cooed a she hit Send.

UeharaAyumu: He ate!

UeharaAyumu: Oh thank goodness

UeharaAyumu: I was so worried

UeharaAyumu: Thank you so much Setsuna-chan!

ScarletStorm: You are welcome, Ayumu-san

ScarletStorm: But no thanks are truly necessary.

ScarletStorm: I merely followed your well-written instructions.

UeharaAyumu: But I do need to thank you

UeharaAyumu: For providing Sasuke with an environment where he felt comfortable

UeharaAyumu: He trusts you

UeharaAyumu: And that is enough to be thankful for

ScarletStorm: Very well then.

ScarletStorm: On a related note, your instructions say that I should not hold him until he is finished digesting?

UeharaAyumu: That’s right

UeharaAyumu: I think most of us might need a rest after eating basically a week’s worth of food in one meal

ScarletStorm: That makes sense

Though it made sense, Setsuna found it a little disappointing. While her primary reason for agreeing to watch Sasuke was to help a friend in need, she also had a selfish reason of wanting to experience what it might be like to have a pet, even if just for a week or so. And part of having a pet was petting it and holding it and the like, right?

UeharaAyumu: But don’t worry, Setsuna-chan

UeharaAyumu: He should be good to go in a day or two, depending on a few factors

UeharaAyumu: But given the circumstances, I would bet on the lower side of that range

UeharaAyumu: Just check in on him when you get home from practice tomorrow

UeharaAyumu: He trusts you so if he’s ready, he will come to you if you put your hand near him like you did earlier today

Setsuna chuckled. It almost seemed like Ayumu had read her mind though the phone.

ScarletStorm: Alright, I will try that tomorrow.

ScarletStorm: Thank you, Ayumu-san.

UeharaAyumu: I’m the one who should be thanking you

UeharaAyumu: For agreeing to take care of Sasuke

UeharaAyumu: And for getting him to eat

ScarletStorm: You already thanked me for that.

ScarletStorm: And the pleasure is mine.

ScarletStorm: Anyway, I need to get back to my studies.

ScarletStorm: But I wanted to give you an update on Sasuke-san first.

UeharaAyumu: It was very much appreciated

UeharaAyumu: Have a good night, Setsuna-chan

UeharaAyumu: See you tomorrow!

ScarletStorm: Yes, you as well. See you tomorrow.

Setsuna set down her phone and turned her attention back to the terrarium, only to find Sasuke staring up at her. Oh dear… was this what Yuu meant when she meant by adorable, pleading eyes? She suddenly empathized with the plight the twin-tailed girl faced. The temptation to go thaw out another mouse was ris… No. She shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Sasuke-san.” Setsuna apologized. “Ayumu-san said you can only have one at a time. She was very clear on that. But… she didn’t limit how many songs I could sing to you… Would you like me to sing something else?”

Sasuke lifted his head and flicked his tongue as if to respond that he was interested.

“Alright.” Setsuna said with a smile. “How about an old favorite of mine from one of the best groups in school idol history?”

----------

Author’s Note Continued in Followup Post

#YuuAyuSetsu #Takasaki Yuu #Yuki Setsuna #Uehara Ayumu #Tri-Arame #Love Live Nijigasaki #fanfic

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noctuascion · 4 years

Note

I'm gonna make 2 requests, because I'm greedy and a little Cryptage starved right now. Also, you write so good and you have this way of turning a phrase that makes me super jealous so here goes. 1) FAKE DATING! Just... always with the fake dating. 2) Not sure how the lore works on your au but if it's applicable, either vamp crypto accidentally exposing wolf mirage to silver or wolf mirage exposing vamp crypto to sunlight.

;; Be as greedy as you want, sweetums. I love writing your prompts and also love you so it works out. uwu

Also, anything to keep me from falling asleep lol

I'll write your second request in a different post, but it'll be a bit. I write kinda slowly chjdjw ;;

Elliott Witt has had a lot of things happen to him. He's had first loves, first kisses, first everythings. He's done a lot in his life, but, in all his years of living and loving, he didn't think fake dating his rival would ever make the list. It did, though, as much as both of them resented it.

One of the promotional managers had called them in for a quick meeting. Basically, he laid down that they were to start appearing in public more and that they were doing it together. At first, Elliott had been on board. Having more time in the limelight sounded amazing, but then came in Park, who was now going to be his boyfriend.

Now, he's not saying Park's disgusting or revolting or that he isn't comfortable enough with his sexuality to be able to freely hug and tell his buddies he loves them (because, well, his only friends are a lesbian and a drug addict for the most part), but he's straight, a ladies man! Sure, the kid's pretty and everything, but he's not feminine either. He has his own special type of charm that's not entirely easy to put into words. (He has nice legs, though. Elliott will give him that much.)

He's glad, though, that he's not the only one entirely against this. Park managed to miss a lot of meet 'n greets, forgoing seeing his fans and opting out of photo shoots. He's rarely seen in public, and, if he is, he looks about as shady as a drug dealer—hiding his face, oversized clothing, etc. He hates the spotlight, Elliott quickly figured out, and that was his only real issue with this whole ordeal.

And when Elliott pointed out that he seemed to be perfectly fine with dating him, he called him what he assumes are curse words and insults in his native tongue before telling him he'd sooner date Nox.

However, their word was final, and the two were now a "couple" in the eyes of the public. Their fellow competitors were allowed insight on their little "agreement," and they did what any supportive friends would do: they laughed and wished the new couple a happy life.

Today was their first official "date" as a couple, so Elliott intended for it to be at least somewhat decent for them. He was aware Park hated public places, but they wanted them to be seen in public together. He couldn't please both parties, so he decided a small, family restaurant would be their destination. There wasn't a lot of people that normally visited, but Elliott was a personal fan of the food served there. The atmosphere was warm and friendly and he's sure Park would appreciate that much.

Why am I trying so hard again…?

Shrugging, he pulled on his second nicest jacket—a nice yellow shade that went well with his white shirt and blue jeans. His hair was done up in its usual style, though he lacked the goggles he normally wore, so his hair fell in his eyes a bit. He was sure Park wasn't going to try too hard, so he didn't either. It was a casual outing, after all; no need for either to wear anything extravagant.

Well, Elliott was wrong when Park met up with him wearing a white turtleneck, a nice black blazer, and matching slacks. He suspects a turtleneck because he's at least trying to hide his cybernetic implantations without being too obvious and still looking like effort was put in. There was such a stark color difference, though—he felt like the sun next to the moon.

"Oh, h-hey, you look…" Elliott trailed off, unsure if he should give a genuine compliment or play it off like a joke—but he's already stuttered, so he may as well commit, "… good—you dress up nice."

"Paquette and Wraith helped." He huffed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I wouldn't have put in so much effort otherwise."

"Such a heartbreaker, Kim."

Elliott chuckled before reaching out and opening the door, gesturing for him to hop inside his car. The hacker rolled his eyes before slipping inside, the trickster shutting it before hurrying to the other side.

"Where are we going?" Park asked once Elliott was inside, turning the engine on and beginning to leave the complex.

"I know you don't like public places, and a movie is a terrible first date, so I picked out a small family restaurant that has some of the best lemon cakes I've tasted. Not to mention some people will see us, together, so it'll make the higher-ups happy, y'know?"

"Hm. You're smarter than I thought you were."

"I'm full of surprises, sugar."

"Don't push your luck with this 'dating' thing, Witt."

"Oh! That reminds me—we should probably establish some boundaries." Elliott took a right, keeping his eyes on the road but focus elsewhere. "Personally, I don't really care. So long as we don't have sex, I think I'm good otherwise. How about you?"

"No kissing, holding hands, touching in general, stupid pet names, or sex."

"… Well, you've eliminated every possible way of showing we're 'dating.' Anymore you wanna ban there, kid?" Elliott sighed, stopping at a red light and looking over to where Park was seated, glaring out the window. "This is definitely more like a friendly outing, if anything, but no one's gonna talk about us if we just seem like friends. Higher-ups will have our necks."

"I take back what I said earlier. You're an idiot if you think I care about whether or not they're happy with what I do."

"All right, fair point. Can we at least hold hands? That shouldn't be too much to ask."

Park sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and sinking into his seat. "Fine. If it'll get them out of our business, we can do that. But only for a few seconds."

"Gotcha. Man, whoever dated you in the past must've been as touch-adv—avd—ad—ad… adverse as you."

"…"

"… Holy shit—you've never dated anybody."

"Shut up."

"No, no, that just makes this whole thing worse!" Elliott began driving again once the red light changed to green. His eyes returned to the road as well, though he was no less focused on the topic at hand. "You're experiencing a date for the first time with someone you don't even like, a-and that's not fair!"

"I—"

"No, y'know what? No, you're getting a date. Getting everything! You're getting the ol' Mirage charm, gonna get swept right off your feet."

"Witt—"

"No buts! You're being dragged out of your cave and getting screwed out of a first date with someone you're actually interested in. The least I can do is be as good to you as possible."

Park only stared at him, silent, before an amused breath left him, letting himself smile. "Okay."

—;;

Park wasn't a conversationalist, Elliott quickly found out. He was very quiet and reserved, which didn't help much either. He was, however, a great listener, and Elliott loved to talk, so, in a way, it worked out for the better.

The small restaurant they were seated in was relatively quiet, but they could hear hushed whispers about them being together, seated in a secluded booth that helped alleviate any anxiety Park might have with being seen by a bunch of people.

The holographic expert had ordered himself a steak, medium rare, with a salad on the side. He opted out for any alcohol, since he was the driver and he had no idea if Park was comfortable dealing with someone drunk, so all he ordered was some tea. Park, though, only asked for steak fries and a soda.

"Y'know," Elliott said after taking a sip of his tea, "you should get more meat in your diet. Helps build muscle, gets some meat on your bones."

"Hm…"

"C'mon! You also never join us for dinner. Or lunch—or, actually, I don't… see you eat. You eat, right?"

"Yes."

Elliott hummed in suspicion, a hand smoothing down his beard, though Park's stoic gaze didn't relent any. "All right… What do you normally eat?"

"Usually from whatever takeout menu is closer."

"… How are you even standing right now?" Elliott looked sad for a moment before shaking his head. "Let's make a quick deal here—"

"We've already made a deal."

"Let's make another. If you agree to come out of your cave for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'll agree to do whatever you want. Anything. Well, except really bad stuff. Like, I won't kill someone. Too far."

It was Park's turn to hum, taking a sip from his straw, before placing the glass on the table. "I benefit from this more than you do."

"I get the benefit of helping my sweet sugar plum get better, even if it's just a little bit."

Park raised a brow. "What did I say about pushing luck?"

"Ya love me. You wouldn't leave me on our date like this… Well, I hope not."

Park wanted to roll his eyes, say "I would and I will," but he didn't. He kept silent, giving Elliott a look, who seemingly took the hint and changed subject.

"So, have you ever been asked out before?"

"Isn't that a bad topic for dates?"

"Just curious. Feel free to not say. Besides, it's not a real date."

"Don't let them hear you say that." Park stirred his drink with his straw absentmindedly, watching it fizz up at his ministrations. "No, no one's ever asked me out."

"Really?"

"You sound surprised."

Elliott laughed in disbelief. "Well, yeah! I mean, you're…"

"What?"

"I dunno—gorgeous, beautiful, cool and mysterious! You'd think girls would be all over you."

"I'm not exactly pleasant to be around, Witt. I'd think you'd have figured that out by now."

The trickster waved a hand, like he was denying Park's claim. "You're rough around the edges, but you're not horrible." He shrugged, taking another sip from his drink. "I'm sure someone out there's just dying to wanna date you! Or maybe you haven't met them yet. Who knows!"

Park let another faint smile curl his lips, looking into his drink. "Who knows, indeed."

—;;

Day two of their time as a couple was during a duos match (of course it was just them), and Elliott had counted this as possibly his most unlucky match.

They had landed at Epicenter and Park landed on top of the tower, alone, and Elliott landed on the ground with two other squads, one consisting of Nox and Octavio and the other being Natalie and Ajay. Nox had trained his sights on him immediately and began chasing him down (the sadistic bastard), and he had to rush to find a gun. All he could find was a P2020, and it wasn't exactly a fair match against the scientist's Spitfire.

Neither of them had any shields, but just a couple of shots from the toxic trapper's gun was enough to down him, slipping on ice and colliding with the hard ground.

"Oh—fuck!" the trickster cursed, trying to crawl away from the man towering over him. "C-C'mon, Caustic, don't you have anyone else to shoot at?"

"No."

"That's a lie and you know it."

However, before Nox could kill him off, the sound of a Sentinel going off, following by Nox quickly being down, sent a wave of relief through his system, looking over onto the cliff to see Park perched atop it, the bolt-action sniper in his hands.

No scope. That's kinda hot.

The hacker had shot off a few more rounds, and Elliott could hear Octavio shout in pain, before he began sliding down the hill, swapping out his sniper for a Wingman. The revolver was shot off twice before Nox's death box suddenly popped up in front of him, signaling the end of that squad.

However, they still had Natalie and Ajay, though they'd been injured by Octavio. They were clinging to D.O.C.'s healing up until Park tosses a grenade where they were healing. Natalie hadn't escaped fast enough, and she ended up downed, whereas Ajay was only injured.

She put up a fight, firing off her Alternator with frightening precision, and, had Park not hit his shots, he would've been killed off.

However, the man calmly approaching his fallen teammate was enough of an indicator that he won that battle, only a few wounds and scratches indicating his prior struggle.

"Kid, if I didn't know better," he said, pausing to let out a grunt at the syringe being plunged into his chest, "I'd think you're trying to show off and steal my heart."

For a moment, Park was silent, helping Elliott back to his feet, before a smirk crossed those dashing fractures, looking up at the other with a faint sense of mirth dancing in his eyes.

"Did it work?"

For once in his life, Elliott was left stunned, mouth open, unable to formulate a response, before the surveillance expert left to loot.

He regained his senses after a moment, blinking himself back into reality, and shutting his mouth.

Kid's full of surprises.

—;;

Their third date wasn't for the public. Their third date wasn't even suggested by Elliott. Park had just grabbed Elliott by the arm, dragged him out to god-knows-where, late at night, and laid down on a small hill. He didn't say anything, didn't give any explanation, and, honestly, Elliott didn't expect anything less. He just laid down beside the other, looked up at the stars, and let out a breath.

However, as Park's own mind was clear, hands resting on his stomach and a leg bent at the knee, Elliott's own was filled with thoughts of confusion, his hands behind his head, acting as a pillow.

Park was such a strange guy. One day, he acts like he's the bane of his existence, and, the next, he's smiling and making quips that make Elliott's heart race. Elliott's been with a lot of people, and he's learned a lot from his time with them, but there's never been a time where they've made him feel like… this.

They never badger him about his gross, smelly hair spray, they never playfully banter with him, they never push him off of exploding trains, and they certainly never made him speechless, never made him feel like he lost the ability to function. They never treated him like a person. They always just treated him like… Mirage.

"Hyeon?"

"Hm?"

"I don't think I'm straight."

"Mm. What makes you say that?"

"Because I think I'm in love with you."

Park smiled, letting out a quiet laugh. "You don't even know how I feel about you."

"I don't. You're weird, and you're never forward w-with how you feel, but… I just… thought you should, y'know, know, since we're doing this whole… thing."

"Mm. The fake dating thing?"

"The fake dating thing, yeah."

"… Do you want it to be fake anymore?"

Elliott turned into his side, Park own head moving to meet his gaze. "No."

"Mm. Good." Park's head turned back to the stars, shutting his eyes. "Neither did I."

#apex legends #cryptage #oops this was really long !!!#but that's okay #i hope you at least enjoyed my gross cheesy cliché nonsense #i'll get to working on the other one i promise #maybe make it a little shorter lol #lenardo does a write

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riverbanksquid · 4 years

Text

--MODS (ver. 1.16.4 ~ 5 only)--

EASY; OBVIOUS

better third person (TEST THIS 🚨)

wool to string wool tweaks is better ✅

tameable rabbits ✅

more flower bushes ✅ + custom mod for more small flowers 🔲

string lights ✅ (In-game book with recipes/tutorial?⚠️)

botany pots ✅ (learn recipes ⚠️)

invisible armor (actually 1 utility armor slot and 1 visible armor slot but same thing) ✅

NEW

added camels ✅

added chimneys ✅

bell noise when fish on fishing line ✅

can sleep slightly earlier (before stars show up) ✅

better caves, better mineshafts, and stronghold saver ✅

DID NOT add better portals because no they aren't ❌

supplementaries ✅ (hanging signs, notice boards, item shelves, fireflies, etc.; life is good)

added endermail (endermen will deliver packages for you) (do test this one 🚨 it's hard to do in creative)

added flower doubler ✅

added "kelp acts like bonemeal" ✅ (note: only one of either kelp or bonemeal will grow a vine and I forget which 🚨)

added "eggs hatch when they despawn (but only on hay bales and also only when there are fewer than X chickens around already)" ✅

added sleeping bags (skip night without setting spawn point) and hammocks (skip day) ✅

added ability to use banner pattern on bed ✅ (test this 🚨)

added tea ✅ (are the teapots and stuff placeable though..?? 🚨)

BIG DEAL; CONSIDERING

create ✅ (disabled ugly ores and custom stone types in worldgen; they aren't needed to make water wheels which are ALLLLL I care about 📝)

quark (some. mob variants, maybe vertical slabs, oddities for item pipes, etc) ✅

mcmmo 🔲 (pros: taming. cons: I don't actually even like mmos)

inventory tweaks quark has everything we need actually ✅

tree felling ✅ (serilum ver.) (it's so good) (NO AUTO-REPLANTING)

lava lamps ❌❓

ON THE LOOKOUT

one person sleeping makes night be over (check which version this became a thing in) QUARK HAS ✅ BUT TEST IT THOUGH 🚨

always show coordinates and ONLY coordinates (no F3 PLEASE) (Resource pack I got for this seems not to be working. Alt: serilum's gui compass. 🚨) 🔲

immortal neutral mobs (incl. bees) Does not appear possible with any currently existing mod. However, friendly fire prevents damage to pets and I have added passive endermen to prevent aggroing our very tall friends, which should mitigate this as much as possible. ✅ WATCH OUT for cats and rabbits though, that is very much still a massacre waiting to happen. CROSS-TEST WITH RABBIT TAMING 🚨

mooblooms & moolips ✅ CHARM HAS REALLY GOOD ONES

dog variants ✅ betterdogs. Con: to get specific dog type, name of type of dog must be in nametag name, which is mildly weird. Pro: fuck it !

legible signs. (editable signs also?) ✅ vanilla tweaks and quark, respectively.

feathers + leather without killing mobs ✅ charm "chickens drop feathers passively" rule, plus combination of "rotten flesh to leather" & all-paper books.

renewable saddles + name tags ✅ saddle recipe + nametagtweaks. (note: I think I actually have more than one thing installed that adds a nametag recipe but whatever. do test both of these though 🚨 also horse armor?)

more stars/more interesting night sky 🔲 (I hate texture packs. maybe I have to fucking make one)

candy colored texture packs and shaders 🔲 (I DUNNO, YOU GUYS)

BETTER STAINED GLASS? ?? also glass slabs, stairs, etc. might have to do this myself 🔲 (absent by design may add the shapes, as would glasscutter if it were ever updated to 1.16. try absent again now that optimization mods are working? the stained glass though, I do actually have to fucking do myself; nobody understands my aesthetic tastes apparently. CROSS-TEST ABSENT W/ QUARK'S FRAMED GLASS BLOCKS? 🚨)

GOING CONCERNS

proximity chat (found a voice chat mod that might work. to test. 🚨)

teach everyone how to screenshot

NEW PROBLEMS

"In Control!" does make mobs noticeably less lively if you're not within a couple dozen blocks of them. BUT the performance increase is VITAL... play with settings.

Charm (I think?) villager adjustments COMPLETELY fuck up the village near spawn. (Solution: maybe just turn them off... they're not that good. Also, may be able to get away with JUST turning off lumberjack and leaving beekeeper on. Test savanna and extreme hills villages with these rules.)

Better Caves fucks up the cool tunnel I wanted to make next to the ice spikes but I might just worldedit it into submission lol

Quark mob variants are OKAY. I do actually need to test 🚨 whether quark and charm can both have them enabled at the same time and have that like. work. Because charm's are slightly cuter in general but I like quark's purple cow hsjdjfjf

Chimney mod is cool but oh my god I have to 🔲 turn the amount of smoke particles it generates down

QUARK CANDLES ARE MADE FROM TALLOW AND NOT BEESWAX FOR SOME REASON... but charm's only come in one color. also neither of them cluster like the ones from 1.17!!! I HAVE COMPLAINTS 🔲 (solution: different mod OR custom mod OR crafttweaker)

also quark's blossom trees are a cute idea but they're ugly. fix? 🔲 AND fix the decorated paper wall and lantern.

related: macaw's doors has sliding paper doors. pros: MANY MORE DOORS, TRAPDOORS, WINDOWS. cons: choice paralysis? cluttered recipe book?

🔲 STILL DO HAVE TO PUT MORE FLOWERS.. IN IT..THE GAME.

wooden axe is the wand tool for worldedit and so does not work as an axe. I'm pretty sure there's a way around this but I think it's funnier to just ban the use of wooden axes specifically. unhinged server laws. also yes I want everyone to have access to worldedit. yes I will murder and kill them if they use it to be rude. we live in a society

the nether is still ugly. there's not really anything I can do about that though

🔲 Limiting factor on arrows is now flint, which is annoying to get, so maybe do something about that too.

🔲 also I totally have not found a good lead recipe so that too

🚨🔲🚨 and finally: this post is now way too long so I have to work on making a coherent file that lists included features, and another that lists stuff I'm still looking to add remove or change. NOT EVEN I WANT TO READ ALL THIS !!!

#rbserver

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curious-minx · 4 years

Text

Denis Leary is making an animated vignette series based on Dogs Playing Poker and 10 Other Pieces of Kitsch Art That Should Be Turned Into TV

KITSCH auction house tremors and stampedes.

Dennis Leary basically discovered sex, drugs and rock n’ roll with his 2015 two season FX series Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll. Leary’s always been one of those guys that can’t be beaten down in spite of how dopey and cynical his edgy working class personal brand is. He’s got an entire deal set up with Fox, the flailing broadcasting company has placed all of their chips on a Denis with only one lousy “N” in his name. I can’t even with this fake Irish Bostonian droid. Relish in the delicate thought process of Leary and leftover former Daily Show producer, Jim Margolis, bringing up a Pinterest screen grab of the Dogs Playing Poker by Grand Master of Kitsch Cassius Marcellus Coolidge and money signs popping out of both of their heads. Here is a dramatic retelling of this thought process:

“Yo, get this Big D,” salivates the recently fired from Netflix Jim Margolis to Leary over a Zoom, “Fox got this Bento Box Animation Studio sitting around doing nothing but churning out animated interstitials for the Masked Singer, Paradise PD, The Prince, The Blues Brothers animated series, animated Harold And Kumar, Housebroken, The Great North, and ugh..um..Hoops..”

“I fuckin love Hoops, Jimmy! Why aren’t we pitching this on Netflix again?”

“Because Dogs Playing Poker is going to work so much better as pregame filler for live Sporting Events...on Fox.”

“Oh yeah. All of those rotten good for nothing grease monkey and lunch pail people will probably be giving each other Budweiser flavored Covid at the local saloon with these damn dog pictures hanging up. It’s like when old drunks would stay out late and watch the Flinstones at the bar, did you know that actual human male adults would sit in a town like Boston and waste away in a bar watching Flintsones. Can you believe that Johny?”

“My name is Jimmy, err Jim, but yeah Denis we’ll send you the scripts over. Any idea who we should cast?”

“Get me the hot blonde from Inspector Gadget 2, God dammit I miss Louie..are we sure we can’t get Louie back on air?”

“Afraid after Patton Oswalt dognapped his role from him in Secret Life of Pets, Louie CK has been banned from ever appearing as a talking dog again.”

“So bogus. Bobby Kelly will have to do.” Denis gets a text. “Dammit, Adam is getting all thirsty for this juicy delicious bone. Gotta throw a big bone to my dog Ferrera. Who else?”

“Ok. I’ll get one of those sad Daily Show losers. Um picking one at random, Roy Wood Jr. They’ll pretty much jump into anything, because John Oliver was in Love Guru they start thinking they can fail their way up.”

“I said no politics at the table! Paws off the table! This is going to be so fucking lit!”

////

Kitsch Art deserves so much more. George Lucas, retired American filmmaker, robber baron of childhoods and all around mensch has been heavily invested in the kitsch art of Norman Rockwell. There are a bounty of stories to tell. Too many of them are far too white and basic, but there are rich narratives to be found in his out of date even for his own time romanticism of The Old Masters. Hopelessly out of date could have been a failing of Rockwell, but his politics grew progressive as his career went on and fought against the system. Cassius Marcellus Coolidge is the man that operated the first bank in Antwerp, New York had the astronaut-like grace to wonder, “what if dogs played poker like people played poker?” A painting that dates back to 1894 used as means to sell cigars. What strikes me most about this painting is that they aren’t wearing clothes, but I bet when you try to imagine the painting you imagine these dogs fully decked out in some sort of work coat. There is a further anthropromized version of the ad called “His Station and Four Aces” that depicts a glimpse at a look at an entire canine furry society. His ideas of putting an animal in clothes remains to this day one of the most novel and surefire commercially friendly means of artistic expression. The original cynical man laughing all the way to the bank, his own bank that he founded to boot.

Seen above: An example of a Comic Foreground that also demonstrates the failings of having too few people in your party to properly partake in the comic foreground experience.

“Cash” Cassius wasn’t the first man to imagine a domestic pet in people clothes, but he’s probably one of the few to do so with such commercial finesse. The man also at one point filed the patent on the “Comic Foregrounds,” which is the technical name of one of those carnival boards with holes to stick your head in. In post Covid times how many more heads will be salivating and rushing towards those holes to pop their heads in to create a lasting memory, if only for a second. So when I start learning more about this remarkable weirdo Cassius Coolidge, a man according to his official website dogsplayingpoker.com’s Biography: “Trying to chase mischievous boys from an abandoned house, he fell from a window and hurt his knee, leaving him injured for the rest of his life.”

Flash forward back to 2021 and Denis Leary and his career a man with a wikipedia with fun entries about all the accusations of plagiarism and hate speech against autism I start to worry about the legacy of more Kitsch art falling into the hands of other greedy and desperate TV executives. That being said if you are a greedy TV executive who happens to be a maniac that likes reading rando’s tumblr pages do I have a list for you!

TOP TEN PIECES OF KITSCH ART THAT SHOULD BE TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF SOMETHING

“We Are Having a Heavenly Time” Columbian Bike Monkey and Parakeet by, once again, Cassius Coolidge

Coolidge’s anthropomorphic foresight strikes again! This time he effortlessly establishes a captivating duo that could be easily voiced by an endless combination of celebrity voice actors. PAUL RUDD as “Monkey” and ISSA RAE as “Parakeet” present “We Are Having a Heavenly Time” present a travel show. You could basically use whatever leftover footage you have lying around from the many Conan O’Brien segments and plug Monkey and Parakeet and their trusty bicycle anywhere for an irreverent glimpse into the foreign World around us.

2. “Clown and The Girl” by Haddon Sundblom

Now I know what you’re thinking, that title is miserable! I agree, but with a little reverse engineering you get The Girl and Clown, which could be a whole new addition to the Girl on a Train, Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, Girl with a Dangly Earpiece, the Girl-Verse! The girl appears to be quite fearless of this clown, which is good because we need someone to be brave for when the clown takes off his mask.

Sundblom is also the original artist for the Coke a cola Santa Claus and how is it that we have gone this many rotations around the sun without a single Coke a cola Santa Claus special is the real reason why Christmas will always be the saddest time of year.

3. “Clean Your Fornasetti” based around the artistic Plate collection of Pierro Fornasetti

Muk bangs, videos of people eating are a huge cyber traffic boom. People love watching people eat. Why not add the element of surprise by what kind of playful Fornasetti chanteuse is hiding underneath this plate full of gruel? Fornasetti is an artist with over 11,000 items created in his name and over 500 of them are based around a variety of expressions of a single woman. Clean Your Fornasetti is a deep and poetic rumination of the romance between the act of someone cleaning their plate and the reveal that the plate contained a visual feast all its own.

4. “Mickey’s Kinkade Playhouse” by the one and only Thomas Kinkade

The Kinkade Studios features over 63 “narrative panoramas” featuring Disney characters, but largely Mickey and Minnie, simply vibing. It’s time we stop pretending that small children like Mickey Mouse and market him for wistful older audiences that want to radiate in a nice long warm bath of color and sound. I am not sure I am even pitching an actual series but more of a Narrative Panoply. One thing that is missing from Disney Plus, and streaming services in general, is a severe lack of programming frills and flourishing. The iconic Adult Swim bumps are something completely lost to the dustbins of programming history left to remain in youtube compilations. Thomas Kinkade is a lot like Enya. Art critics treated him like a comedic punching bag for so long, but I doubt there’s an artist that grasps the kind of sterile enchantment people want after a long day of opioid benders. We’re all trapped inside doing puzzles why not do the bare minimum of slightly animating a pleasant scene of Mickey and Minnie roasting marshmallows or enjoying a breath of fresh Alpine air?

5. “Dust Lickers” by Odd Nerdrum

Quick! Get me Trash Humpers’ Harmony Korine on the Line Show him Shit Rock! The world of Odd Nerdrum is a harsh and primeval one that would make for an astonishing animated landscape. Odd Nerdrum himself feels like a worthy subject of some kind of documentary based around his imagery and insistence on making his art in the most arcane and old fashioned methods possible. Once again, maybe the visual world of Odd Nerdrum may not make for a full on narrative series, but once again would make for one hell of an animated segment.

6. “Homemade Pasta” by John Currin

A cozy Queer slice of life cooking drama based around the two charming fellows of John Currin’s Homemade Pasta scene. A series of vignettes based around the completely unfabulous and domestic version of bliss that was denied many people as a result of the AIDS crisis. You can’t tell me you don’t see those two nice guys getting cozy and making pasta together and you aren’t dying to see how they go about rolling out their own focaccia bread.

7. “The Velvet Elvis” by the Collective Conscious

David Lynch at one point in time was trying to crack into making his own Elvis biopic. I think it’s pretty safe to say that the age of a public wanting a David Lynch directed Elvis biopic has probably passed, but that does not stop Velvet art enthusiasts. TheVelvetStore.com is featuring a remarkable promo that could really bump up what a David Lynch Elvis movie could be like and the horror of having one’s soul trapped inside of a Velvet Elvis rendition painting seems like a pretty fertile place to begin a proper story about Elvis in America.

8. “Big Eye Bunch” by Margaret Keane

Yes, it was only a matter of time before Ms. Big Eyes herself, Queen of Kitsch, Margaret Keane would come up on a list like this. Tim Burton tried and sort of kind of captured what it so endearing about Keane’s work, but I think a fully animated dive into an orphanage full of sad Big Eye kids that time travel and meet other Big Eyed children version of historical figures is a Big Idea that could make a whole new generation keen on Keane.

9. “Banality” by Jeff Koons

An animated series based around the artistic sensibilities of Jeff Koons would be a tricky affair, but just the kind of gaudy whimsy that someone like Michel Gondrey could use to proper effect. A series based around someone trying to steal the fifteen million dollar Michael Jackson statue would also be appropriate.

10. “Groovenians reboot” by Kenny Scharf

Scharf is the only artist on this list that actually was a kitsch artist that caught the attention of early aughts adult swim. A tv show that only features the artistic sensibilities of Scharf but also a voice acting cast that consisted of Paul Reubens, Rupaul, Vincent Gallo, and Dennis Hopper. There’s also a theme song performed by the B-52s and musical direction by Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh. One of the only known published reviews of the pilot describe the show as needing mind altering substances to enjoy and that it is essentially like “watching a cartoon reflected off of a funhouse mirror. This is basically a description of the modern tik tok addled twitchy type content that makes a killing on the Internet for millenial and zoomer types. Basically the whole aesthetic of a warped and broken looking cartoon is the exact sort of thing weirdos deep diving at youtube at four in the morning are looking for and seeing that this gets a failed pilot and Denis Leary’s Dog Poker vignettes get greenlit is exactly what’s wrong with the world.

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happymetalgirl · 4 years

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The 15 Worst Metal Albums of 2020

This list might have been shorter if not for my running into a few awful albums at the end of the year that I had been avoiding wisely up until that point. My morbid curiosity got the best of me, and what’s done is done. I’m paying the price for it by going back over the worst albums I heard all year. Let’s get this over with.

15. Ghøstkid - Ghøstkid

This was the debut solo album from the former singer of Eskimo Callboy, who had a pretty decent backing of hype heading into this release under the Ghøstkid moniker, but with the namesake frontman putting in no more than the standard performance on a bunch of poorly assembled tracks in an unappealing and dated poppy metalcore style, ultimately the eponymous album wound up disappointing me pretty substantially.

14. Powerman 5000 - The Noble Rot

Powerman 5000 are just such a low-rate band that even one of their more okay albums makes it here. While not as astoundingly, mind-numbingly basic as their worst material, The Noble Rot is still some of the most unevolved, underwritten, and forgettable electro rock and industrial metal I’ve heard from a big name artist. This is some eighth grade level songwriting here, and that’s a fuckin’ feat for a band that’s been around longer than any eighth grader has.

13. Corey Taylor - CMFT

There was a lot of hype around Corey Taylor finally coming out with a solo project, and it was pretty damn disappointing to hear a bunch of uninteresting classic rock too tacky for Stone Sour. CMFT focuses on the fun side that has made its creator such an enigmatic figurehead in the metal press, but its one-note approach does little more than highlight Corey Taylor’s songwriting deficiencies. I really could have seen this album turning out better too, with just some more time and care put into it, if a fun time of an album is what Taylor was going for. Unfortunately Taylor tried to make a party album and a grand ceremonial tribute to his greatness at the same time, and ego-petting and partying don’t really go hand in hand.

12. Evildead - United States of Anarchy

It has some good bones underneath it, but Evildead’s long overdue (if anyone was asking for it) third album wears out its welcome so quickly with some of the most adolescent thrash I’ve heard in a while. The band gets some good rhythms going and the vocals aren’t terrible either, fitting the older thrash style pretty well. But the band’s predictable formula tires out very quickly, and the political commentary of the lyrics is too cheesy and cringeworthy to ignore. It seems every year we get a handful of these kinds of albums that try to get into the simmering thrash revival with some ultra retro approach, and a good portion of those albums are from long-defunct bands who figure their primitive old-school approach might be a selling point despite their sounds often being even more juvenile against the backdrop of today’s metal landscape. So it’s not a huge surprise or anything to hear an album as ham-fisted and corny as United States of Anarchy; this year it just happened to be Evildead.

11. Five Finger Death Punch - F8

They may not always place highest in this list, but they always manage to make it here, and this was actually an improvement on the last album, not that that’s saying all that much. In fact, I’d say this is the only time in the band’s history that they actually shifted their trajectory upwards. But while the band’s ugly continual creative decay has been a hard thing to watch and made them the five finger punching bag of the metal world, there seems to be a large enough swath of mouthbreathing chuds who love their incoherent derivative shit and flock to their shows enough to put them in lucrative headlining slots and on top of the metal world. Goddamn that sure sounds a lot like someone else we all know doesn’t it. I’ve criticized them plenty in the past, and while indeed an improvement, F8 only mildly remedies the numerous problems with Five Finger Death Punch. Still septic to the system are the predictably formulaic and tiresome songwriting, the stale production, the corny butt rock choruses, the shitty bootlicking worldview that bleeds into Ivan Moody’s douchey and faux-deep lyrics, the contrived ballads and country-dabbling. Even with an improvement in the flow of the track listing and a few more bangers that somewhat hearken back to their first album, F8 is still an over-thought and overly calculated batch of Sirius XM fodder that’s trying to please everyone in some superficial way. I’ll grant that it seems as though the band realized they had been giving the more metal-immersed side of their fanbase that has been with them the longest smaller and smaller crumbs with each new album. I’m not gonna hold my breath for this being anything more than placating for the time being; I’m sure the next album will find the band back on whatever bullshit they feel (or their execs feel) they need to be on to pull enough streams from inattentive radio metal bros. I always end with the disclaimer that I still steadfastly stand by the band’s first two albums, and even American Capitalist to a degree, and that I totally acknowledge the immense potential for greatness this band could seemingly at any time decide to fulfill. Ivan Moody is a talented vocalist with a lot of star power and they really could have been the second coming of Pantera or singlehandedly ignited a new wave of American groove metal and metalcore or carried it on their own. But instead the band have followed the money on the path of least resistance to fast-track their way to the top of festival tickets, which I’m sure affords them quite enough luxury and comfort in life, more than most bands these days get, but it doesn’t exempt them from criticism, and unfortunately I think their legacy will show that they were a lowest common denominator kind of band at the end of the day when they could have been, again, like a second Pantera or something.

10. Anvil - Legal at Last

Another year, another album of Anvil unable to evolve past their prototypic thrash of their forty-year-old origins. Though as tacky as ever, Anvil actually also managed to make a mild improvement on their last album on the musical front at least. The songs are a little more energetic and easier to get through, if not for the lyricism though. Anvil lyrics are never anything beyond a fourth-grader’s poetry assignment for their English class, but some of the Facebook boomer lyrics here are fucking cringy dude. A quick look at the track listing will let you know exactly where you’re gonna find the juiciest cringe, but honestly, even as far as cringe goes it’s nothing comedically special and cringe culture in general is played out anyway. So do yourself a favor and just ignore Anvil the way they deserve to be ignored.

9. Halestorm - Reimagined

It feels a little harsh to place an EP here, especially for a band whose album back in 2018 was one of the best things I have heard to come out of hard rock in a long time. But these stripped back covers and revisions of songs from the band’s catalog just suck all the oomph out of them, perhaps making the case by contrast for the importance of the role the rest of the band behind the indeed charismatic powerhouse frontwoman Lzzy Hale play in making their sound what it is. It’s unlikely this points to any kind of new direction for them, so I’m not particularly worried about them running into this problem again. Plus, I don’t think Halestorm and Lzzy Hale are like fundamentally incompatible with more ballad-y rock music, this forced balladization of older songs just did not work, and it makes perfect sense as to why.

8. Gama Bomb - Sea Savage

The fact that this album is only number 8 on this list is just depressing for its reminder of just how much shittier it got this year. The fact that there are seven albums from this yet worse than Sea Savage, goddamn. With one exception, this was maybe the stupidest album I heard all year, at least in the thrash department it was. God this thing is a sugar high mess. I feel like a toddler on an entire bag of Halloween candy or an elementary schooler on a 2-liter of Mountain Dew sat at a computer to program a thrash album would’ve probably come up with something like this. The erratic operatic highs and dumbass lyrics, it all just embodies everything that ever made thrash look bad. It’s like that drunk guy at a party who’s hyper as shit and doing a bunch of crazy stunts for attention because he thinks it’ll make the people there like him more, but really he’s just embarrassing himself. Yeah, definitely the worst thrash metal album I heard all year, and one I wish I could unhear.

7. Amaranthe - Manifest

One of the albums I was avoiding but reviewed late out of my own weird sense of obligation that I wasn’t surprised to find only validated my reasons for avoiding it in the first place. The weird combo of dancy pop music and power metal isn’t as crazy of an idea as it might seem at first thought. In fact, that’s basically in part what Babymetal are doing, and actually getting better and better at. But Amaranthe get the worst of both worlds with Manifest, unsavory pop melodies and utterly generic symphonic metal to make for something I’m not at all surprised I was so repulsed by.

6. Trapt - Shadow Work

Yep, I listened to it. God, no wonder this band is flailing in irrelevance with aggressive MAGA nonsense being their only audible desperate plea for attention. The album, thank fuck, isn’t steeped in the same bitch boy tantrum that the band’s singer has engaged in all year to the point of getting his band’s Facebook page banned for hate speech, and the music isn’t like offensively poorly made or anything like that either. There’s clearly a conscious meeting of the baseline requirements for the type of music they make, but holy fuck it’s so damn flavorless and predictable. It’d be one thing if this was the trendy thing to be doing, but this diet hard rock for people who think Three Days Grace is too wild has been out of fashion for over a decade. And Trapt are just recycling the same dumb formula that overstayed it’s welcome in the early 2000’s. Yeah, I’m not surprised at all, but god, it’s the kind of thing that has to be apparent to the band themselves too unless they’re lacking of any and all self-awareness. Trapt have thrown themselves to the forefront of the online metal world’s discourse by being an annoying, toxic, and childish presence all year; the silver lining being the unity among metalheads in roasting their laughable posturing about their Pandora numbers and the juicy memes about their one hit “Headstrong” that rile the snowflake singer up without fail. And this shit album is just another reason to laugh at them and more fuel to roast their crybaby Trumper frontman with. Go back into your hole, Trapt. 3/10

5. Unleash the Archers - Abyss

I talked about it in my review, but there really is only one simple thing that sinks this album so low. And that is just how incredibly low-effort and lifeless it is with a genre that’s supposed to be so life-affirming. Power metal isn’t the most highly revered genre in metal, but that’s just for its cheesiness. I love it; when it’s at its best, it’s some of the most inspiring metal music out there and I genuinely wish there was a bigger demand across the board for it. But Unleash the Archers just sound so flat and unenthusiastic in this album, and, sorry, in power metal, unabashed enthusiasm is just nonnegotiable. The guitar parts are phoned in and lacking in imagination, and the vocals especially are so narrow-range, it’s all so antithetical to the ethos of power metal and it doesn’t make a strong case for itself. I’ll leave it there; this album is lazy and lifeless so I feel no need to waste any of my time and work on it.

4. Burzum - Thûlean Mysteries

Ol’ Varg must’ve needed a new wizard hat or camouflage pants or whatever goofy shit he’s been doing since retiring the Burzum name to focus on his racism and LARPing because I thought Burzum was supposed to be finished. I thought you were done with Burzum, Varg. Apparently not too done to not dump an hour and a half of embarrassingly half-baked ambient dungeon synth song fragments that sound, so many of them, quite obviously unfinished. Varg Vikernes has been a washed-up shell of the musical god the various weirdos who idolize him make him out to be for a long time now, and it has shown in the gradually degrading work he had put out after his release from prison. Yet after clearly not caring about creating music in any meaningful way for a long time, Varg drops this heap of shit in his fans’ laps. I suppose they deserve it, but I’m sure some of them are delusional enough to lap it up with a smile on their face while still believing their white nationalist idol to be a musical genius. Again, it’s entirely dull ambient music, not metal at all, but it deserves to be shit upon for its astounding laziness and purposelessness.

3. Asking Alexandria - Like a House on Fire

Doubling down on exactly the unflattering crossover of pop music with their significantly sanitized butt rock in their apparent quest for arena glory that started with their self-titled album back in 2017, Asking Alexandria’s bid for the big spotlight that Imagine Dragons occupies didn’t get any stronger this year with Like a House on Fire. After three or four years of aiming for this style, the band still aren’t even all that competent with the basics of fucking pop rock, which is pretty downright laughable. Honestly, for an album so high up here on my shit list, my feelings on it are more or less just that of unsurprised disappointment; as soon as I got a feel for what the band were doing with the album, I knew it was going to be a mess of predictable results. And lo and behold. This was just such a wholly inexcusably floppy paper towel of an album, and one more Asking Alexandria release I know I won’t be returning to ever again.

2. Hollywood Undead - New Empire, Vol. 2

Coming on at the last minute to get on the scoreboard, reliably, is Hollywood Undead. When I reviewed both volumes of this project earlier, I referred to them as “corporate Linkin Park”, and I stand by that 100%. This album especially showcases nothing but what an incoherent, vapid, clout-chasing act they are, with such a corny, focus-grouped sound that sounds like it was made in a lab by a bunch of out-of-touch boomers. God, they could’ve been safe too if they had left it with the more tolerable first volume back in January, but this follow-up sequel from just this month was exactly why I had avoided listening to the first installment in the first place. And I should’ve never played this second one either. The album opener, “Medicate”, is probably the worst song I sat through in my own volition this year, and the rest of the album doesn’t get much better. It’s nothing new for Hollywood Undead after I gave their 2017 album my award for least favorite album of that year: more unfitting interplay between machismo posturing Eminem-cosplay and the sappiest, wimpiest radio rock and pop choruses; more cringy tough-guy struggle bars; more forgettable-at-best instrumentals. Congrats again, Hollywood Undead, you made one of the worst albums of the year once again.

But even worse than Hollywood Undead is an album that I feel like is already so legendarily bad, that there is no other album that could’ve been sat here. It had to be this one.

1. Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

Shitty metal bands everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief any year Six Feet Under decide to put out new music because any album they release is just about bound to end up as everyone’s #1 worst album of the year, and boy is that guarantee becoming more and more airtight with each successive release. It’s truly astounding too how Six Feet Under manages to outdo themselves every time. I don’t even want to think about what could possibly come after Nightmares of the Decomposed; we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. But for now, holy fermented shit, this thing is not just bad, it’s like the holy grail of terrible TERRIBLE albums and I don’t want to know what kind of apocalyptically despicable album Chris Barnes and company could possibly conjure to outdo this one. And make no mistake, it’s still Chris Barnes dragging this band down. I gave this album a 1/10 instead of a 0/10 because there was at least a sliver of salvageable instrumentation on it, as thin of a sliver as it was, a few halfway decent musical ideas of you squinted hard enough. The instrumentalists are checked out and clearly just participating for the paycheck, but I can’t even imagine what kind of professional instrumental performance could possibly overshadow the embarrassment that Chris Barnes put to tape in the studio here. Maybe that says it, because it honestly sounds utterly unprofessional. It’s baffling how this got through management and sound engineering to be released to the public because I don’t think I’ve ever even heard any amateur high school band’s vocalist sound this bad. Vocal ingenuity is generally something to be applauded in the metal world, and pioneers like Randy Blythe, Dani Filth, and Travis Ryan deserve all the praise they get for their innovation with dirty metal vocals, yet what Chris Barnes has “invented” here on Nightmares of the Decomposed to compensate for his continually-deteriorating vocals is just sad. The man simply cannot perform highs anymore, clearly, and the alternative is this fucking comical, cartoonish squealing that sounds more like a bratty toddler gargling their own snot than it does anything fitting for a death metal record, even a death metal record at stupid and cheesy as Nightmares of the Decomposed. Chris Barnes should be thankful that metal is not a sport and that there’s not nearly as much of an abundance of performance statistics to point to and analyze to see what kind of records are broken in a legendarily awful performance. I feel like if there were any kind of performance stats to pull up, this album would have to break some kinds of records. Like this is worse than that 7-1 Germany-Brazil World Cup game, this would be like if the Brazilian team all got unholy levels of blazed and repeatedly scored on themselves because they kept going the wrong way and kicking the ball into their own net, and then pissing their fucking shorts. Even in 7-1 defeat, Brazil had more dignity than Chris Barnes here. Six Feet Under and their label have to know they are a laughing stock and that people will listen to them at this point for the sheer entertainment value of how mind-blowingly awful they sound. It’s not an illegitimate marketing tactic, and it’s the only explanation I can come up with for how this passed inspection. If that’s their mission, to be a spectacle and instill cringe in death metal fans in a regular ritual of comically stupid performances across every successive album, they’re sure doing it, and I guess this baffling headache-trophy is their well-earned prize. Congratulations Six Feet Under, you did it again! Worst metal album of the year.

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