#they make so unnormal <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[miscellaneoussmp]

Soulmate posting! Soulmate posting!!!

I operate on the idea of strings of fate and mindlinks because I am absolute sucker for both!!

Pac can see the string that attaches Em, Pepito, and Sunny together, and they can see the string that attaches Pac and Mike together.

When Pac first met the kids, he was a bit surprised to see a string that fades from orange to cream to pink tying the three together. He's never actually seen another set of soulmates. Pac honestly finds it very adorable and maybe gets a tiny bit (the biggest bit) nostalgic over them because it reminds him of when he and Mike were kids.

Em, Pepito, and Sunny stare at the string that fades from blue to green (with various levels of subtlety, and honestly, they can just barely see the green). They all get very curious and often ask Pac questions about soulmates and strings, though it's often with the explanation that he's nowhere near an expert on the topic.

On separate occasions, Em, Pepito, and Sunny had all asked when could they meet Pac's soulmate? That was the only question that was left unanswered (not even Pac knows the answer).

I think Em, Pepito, and Sunny's mindlink is more so emotions/feelings based than thought based. It's due to a mix of their young ages and the fact that sharing emotions/feelings uses less energy.

On the other hand, I think Pac and Mike's mindlink is more a mix of emotions/feelings and thoughts. It's because they're more familiar with their link, and both have enough energy to share thoughts.

[dantesparda]

i was tagged by my beloved @brujah to make some of my guys in this picrew! thank you for tagging me sidney ♡ ocs in order of viewing: ♡ ansley flynn, fallen hero // gwendolyn finley, fallout 4 ♡ shauna gul, the wayhaven chronicles // thirza hewitt, ac: black flag ♡ cath laurier, the wayhaven chronicles // ronette de vere, vtm: bloodlines. i think this picrew has gone around so i won't tag anyone. however, if you see this and want to do it you can say i tagged you! :D <3

[hexados-on-a-string]

do u ever think about how gus claims that he brainwashed his bakugan to be loyal to spectra and yet they all say they're loyal to him. either the brainwashing didn't work (get on kazarina's level gus 🙄) and they're still loyal to him, or loyalty to spectra meant keeping gus alive. bc i think about that incredibly frequently.

oh also that reminds me, how did gus survive a giant fuckin laser that had killed 2 of his bakugan previously. like. did he just look death in the face and tell him to fuck off or was he too angry and gay to die. bakugan has the inverse of bury the gays honestly.

[autism-corner]

yippeee i fixed my bag =w=bb

[sebfreak]

Do not change Maomao!

This is the title of this long post. Omg the fanservice we got, the beautiful scenes in which we could see Maomaos happy face. Ahhhh I loved it again.

Make it obivous who he is, right? At this point we all should have a clue and to be honest this scene was also very interesting. The relationship between them is better described with "icy cold". Yeah, you see a smile on Jinshis face but he is more distant towards him.

She and her herbs. Her passion is so real and i can understand her 100%. Herbs are so interesting, I can´t wait to find out more about it. Maomao is a teacher to us and we can learn a lot from her. <3

He is truly a real father. The why I cried a little bit during this scene. This is Maomaos home, she is always welcomed and can go back anytime. He doesn´t have much but he has a lot of love for her. <3

Lol the way he blushed. Jinish-sama everything is written on your face. You can´t hide it anymore lol.

The way everyone blushed when they saw Maomao. It´s really interesting that a little change can activate this reaction and it was really obvious that Jinshi was getting annoyed by it and JEALOUS!!! OH HE IS SO JEALOUS AND REGRETS IT THAT EVERYBODY COULD SEE MAOMAO THIS WAY!!!!

His order was absolutely not a surprise. Now he understands why she puts freckles on her face. XDDDDDDD Oh my man.... aaaahhhhh I love him so much and I love it that he falls for Maomao more and more. My boy you can´t escape anymore but I truly doubt he wants to escape.

This face and we all know that he is planning something that Maomao won´t like. ahahahahahaha XDDDDDDDD

The fanservice was so real in this scene. They really went hard with Jinshi-sama in this scene. BUT I´m not complaining, keep going... I really really like it. (and everybody: when will we get our Jinshini hm? XDDD)

Wasted sex appeal... XDDDDD ah it´s so cute how Maomao doesn´t know it but it makes it so much funnier. XDDD

I bet for Jinshi it´s also very stressful when you can´t behave around people in a normal way without them to lust over you. I know it´s complaining on a very high ground but sometimes even a Jinshi doesn´t want to be reduced on his appearance. But the fact that Maomao explained it with insects made me cry. Oh my dear... XDDDDD

Weeellll my dear Maomao I won´t say it... you have to find it out for yourself but it´s great that she is questioning it because it´s very unnormal for his position or more like it´s something Maomao seems as unnormal.

Go away motherfucker. <---- no respect here. Just.... go away you creeper.... On my Blog and I'm aware of his story but i can't seem to like him, but i am a Person who can respect that people like him but for me there are some things that are not okay and this was way too much in my eyes. his obsession is too much because I look from the childs perspective (MaoMao) and I could understand her traumatic feelings. So don´t come at me and try to convince me to like him. It won´t work.

Oh they really went hard with Jinshis fanservice even in the ending and loved the change here. Beginning it´s dark and gives you a sad aura but after meeting Maomao his world becomes bright and sunny. Oh my gosh I´M NOT CRYING OKAY!!!! ( okay i´m crying)

All in all a very good episode. 10/10 and it was a great start for the second part. Ah, it will be dramatic again and I can´t wait to witness it with you. <3

[animentality]

It's tough because I hate the Astarion haters on Reddit, who are just misogynistic and homophobic and dismissive of the character because they hate how gay he acts and also how many women love him.

but I also hate BookTok Astarion fangirls who feel the need to assert how superior Astarion is on every fucking Gale, Wyll, Halsin, Shadowheart, Minthara, Lae'zel, Karlach or pretty much any BG3 video at all. Like we get it. He's white.

And then I'm ambivalent on the Tumblr Astarion fans because there are the people who simply like him and make fun art and fun meta analysis about him, and then there are the people in my inbox currently telling me that Astarion's Ascended ending is morally correct and it's not a bad ending for the character, and if I disagree, then I hate women.

You're correct that I hate women, but it has nothing to do with Astarion.

Also, I once again point out, that your own husbando literally tells you outright in both endings that being Ascended ruins/ruined who he used to be and also your love for one another.

Your man literally says that your love would have been corrupted by becoming his spawn, and you still cling to the idea that your character is living happily ever after.

He's not making you a vampire queen, he's making you a vampire pet. And it's fine to like that ending. I don't care if you LIKE bad, unhappy endings. That is your prerogative. But you are simply incorrect if you say that it's the "happy" ending for the character, when it clearly is not.

No one ever said you had to use your skull for anything other than cold cut storage, I just don't see why it's even necessary to argue your point to me.

Stay in your Astarion echo chamber, and block me. I don't have time or energy to block all of you.

Anyway.

It sucks because I really like Astarion, he's my favorite love interest.

I really enjoy his storyline and his growth as a person and how sweet he is. He's also very funny. All the companions have great voice acting behind them, but Neil really knocked it out of the park, and I honestly think the character would be far less popular if they'd picked any other actor.

But the fandom around him is just...awful.

It's a mixed bag of normal, unnormal in a fun way, and unnormal in a "you need to fucking step off in this Walmart bitch" way.

It's why I'd rather interact with Dark Urge and Gortash fans.

Much smaller subset of the fandom, so I don't have to deal with the generic crazies, and we're all such freaks that we don't feel the need to go around acting like Gortash is a good person.

I also only ever see people saying these two are fucking disgusting and horrible and I'd murder them in real life and honestly, true and based.

No happy endings for those two, and that's fine for me. In fact, it's great.

See, Astarion girlies, this is called...knowing your ship doesn't deserve a happy ending after all they have done, and knowing it wouldn't be a happy ending if they got together, but being able to acknowledge that and not get bent out of shape trying to justify it.

Stop tying your irl morality to your tastes in fiction.

I never said that liking the ascended ending made you a bad person in real life.

I just said that pretending it's good and happy and great and not continuing the cycle of abuse, is factually incorrect.

And it is.

Every single bad ending for all the love interests is literally continuing the cycle of abuse. Why would Astarion's be any different?

But maybe I'm being bold in assuming you even know the other love interests exist or have stories. Maybe you don't even know the general story of baldur's gate 3, because it is, as you say, the vampire dating sim, and it's definitely not about anything other than banging the sexy vampire.

Media literacy weeps.

Anyway.

Not ruining my enjoyment of the game.

Just my general tolerance for the fandom that is not Durge and Gortash obsessed.

[canonically47]

"hey geo did you see the-" YES I DID SEE THE NEW DCAS TRAILER AND YES I WILL TALK ABOUT IT THANK YOU SO MUCH RANDOM ASKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guys i am soooooooo normal about seeing james fiore and ellie again i feel so normal guys i am not gnawing at the bars of my enclosure at all i feel normal and not unnormal at all SO NORMALLLLLLLLLL

MY FUCKING. FAVS. (granted lake is just ok in my books but STILL HER!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) LOOK AT THEM. LOOK AT MY EVIL LITTLE SISTER. LOOK AT MY EVIL WIFE. LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALEC AND FIORE ARE WORKING TOGETHER I AM CRYING SOBBING THROWING UP LOOK AT THEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

shut the FUCK up about jake OKAY YKNOW WHAT im tired of making it about jake. LOOK at miriam and tom catching up (and obviously talking about that twink) LOOOOOOK AT THEMMMM

also!!!! WHA

me when connor finally puts riya in her place (i've been waiting on this since episode one)

james and yul reunion was NOT on my bingo card but oh my god james should just do that poison thing all over again i cannot wait

hey guys not to make this about jake but LOOK AT HIM HE'S SCREAMING YAY jake dies this episode guys real not clickbait /j

anyways my theories are:

krystal threatens to kick out the current contestants if they don't help their respective pair, which makes sense when you get yul and james who should hate each other from what i remember

yul at some point messes someone up (hence "LOSER" in the beginning of the video) - possibly jake & ashley since "ARE YOU OKAY JAKE" and "you bitch" are played besides yul's clip, but that could mean anything that's just my idea

guys i don't think fiore is gonna make it. i am fiore truthing so hard but she looks pissed off at connor and i think he's going to mess it up for her oh my god connor when i catch you connor

none of the finalists make it because duh. miriam, ellie and... sobbing loudly... james......... probably do not come back

...and neither does ashley because she was JUST kicked out and jake fucking sucks from what we can see and they're definitely partnered up because nobody else would stand jake

my money is on lake and if anybody else but her or fiore (or my favs: ellie, miriam, james) comes back then this whole show is rigged and i will never watch it ever again (watch fucking HUNTER or something win i would THROW HANDS)

yknow what scratch that. itd be hilarious if connor of all people won and he just came back and fucked riya over and proceeded to make it to finale. please don't let that happen but it would be funny i think..

anyways rare geo is excited for DCAS moment i am so ready for june 6th :3 :3 :3

oh yeah and derek is alive!! they remembered he exists!!!! wow!!!!!!!!! he looks much happier to see trevor than usually so maybe this or episode 12 is when the confession happens. would love to finally see it and i hope they dont mess them up!!

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 1

Basically exactly what it says on the tin! I kept making notes while I was reading and somehow it grew into this sprawling monstrosity that had to be split into three parts haha. In short: I loved this book, 10/10 incredibly gay and full of yearning Garak is there the whole time would recommend. 

Quotes from the book in normal text, my reflections, reactions and self-indulgent bits in italics :) Please, please only click on that read-more if you're ready for some truly long-winded nonsense, I fear I have gone and been extremely myself about this and I can only beg your forbearance for it while I get it out of my system lol

Part 2, Part 3

- My dear Doctor:

Forgive my delay in responding to your kind communications. I wanted to give this modest chronicle I’ve enclosed a modicum of organization and update it before I sent it on to you. Thank you for your concern. I have thought of you often since our last meeting, and I am pleased to hear that your life on Deep Space 9 remains challenging and productive. Considering all the changes that have taken place I would have expected nothing less. And I’m certainly not surprised that your research proposals have been accepted. You’re a brilliant young scientist—even if you are genetically enhanced. As for my life here …

This is such a deceptively innocuous and normal-sounding beginning to what is about to be an extremely unnormal and unhinged thing to send a friend as a letter. He made it all of one paragraph of keeping it chill and I honestly think that’s pretty impressive all things considered. Thankfully Julian Bashir — who, let’s not forget, gave Jadzia his fucking diaries to read after much shorter acquaintanceship than what what we’re operating on here — is possibly the one person in the galaxy with the unhinged energy to take it.  

(‘I have thought of you often’ he says. And how., as we shall see)

- Yes—I’m afraid you weren’t expecting this response to your kind inquiry; it goes a bit further than “Greetings from Cardassia—Wish you were here.”

Fhksjdfhasdkj well. In spirit that is exactly what you’re saying tho garak fhdskjaas. It’s just that you’re also pathologically incapable of shutting the hell up and for this I love and treasure you. 

- So why Captain Sisko is so upset with me because I accomplished the goal (which he established!) of getting Romulus into the war against the Dominion baffles me. And it’s not because of the few lives that were sacrificed. Federation expansion has taken a toll in countless life-forms—about most of which they are blissfully unaware. The moment you step into a garden and begin to cultivate and prune, you become a killer. Perhaps the captain was upset because he had hesitated to do what was necessary to insure the integrity of his garden. Sentimentality is another trait that makes humans dangerous.

*Garak voice* Julian please tell me why your boss is so mad at me I literally solved all his problems for him. for which he’s wELCOME btw

Eyes open for recurring metaphors about gardeners, Tolan is haunting this narrative and it’s only polite to say hello whenever he shows up

- Indulge me, if you will; I need you as a witness.

Can I just say how fucking wild it is in terms of character development for Garak to openly admit he needs someone interpersonally. Incredibly fucked up that he writes both parts of this directly to Julian, though — both the part where he’s pretty sure he’s going to die trying to free Cardassia from the Dominion, and the ‘now’ timeline on post-war Cardassia where he seems to be dazedly coming to the realization that he might live, actually, and what that means to him. 

- As a child I would go to the Tarlak Sector with Father, and while he supervised his crews I’d play by myself amid the black-and-white angularity of the monuments, imagining myself a great gul or legate giving the funeral oration for a fallen comrade. 

Already we are starting to spot the thread, if you’ll excuse the expression, of why Garak might be Like That

I also came to admire Damar’s idealism, which led him to renounce his allegiance to the Dominion. If he had one weakness it was his propensity for long-winded speeches. But given the fact that none of us are perfect, the man would have made a fine leader.

As I stood at the memorial service, I thought about all the grand affairs I had witnessed here when I was a boy. None of our famed heroes and statesmen has ever had such a humble service—and none of them, from Tret Akleen on, deserved more than Corat Damar.

You are a species of long-winded speakers and Pythas Lok 

- Dr. Parmak, the unit leader, worked furiously to stabilize the little girl, and when she was evacuated by the transport unit he broke down. He’s a very good man, this Dr. Parmak; he reminds me of an older version of you, Doctor. 

Introducing Dr. Kelas Parmak, last seen in the then-noodle incident mentioned in The Die is Cast. Quite possibly the chillest person who has ever lived, considering he gets over the whole thing where Garak like tortured him pretty fast. (To be fair Garak DID say he was sorry. Between this case and Odo’s, that apparently goes a surprisingly long way lol) 

- But Garak, you’ll say, there’s no excuse for killing a defenseless woman. And there isn’t… unless you’ve been brought up in our system.

I love that he keeps a little Julian around in his head to talk to at all times. That’s one of the most freakishly intimate things in this whole book of freakish intimacy. Garak has a little Tain on one shoulder and a little Julian on the other shoulder and they have heated debates as to the validity of murder as a solution to any given problem that’s put before him

- I also thought about this Cardassian sense of duty and how it is largely responsible for bringing those of us who are left to these current circumstances. I asked Dr. Parmak how an entire people can come under the sway of this duty and blindly give allegiance to a state that goes mad and murders its own children.

“Poisonous pedagogy, Elim,” he replied. “We believe what we are taught.”

Poison/Disease contagion is a metaphor that will wind through this whole thing,and different people mean different things by it. Parmak means it about The Facism, which is the right one. You’ll be unsurprised to hear that Dukat Sr. has a rather different spin on it, and that he’s wrong! 

- But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments.

. . . 

At first I thought I was in trouble, and my face must have reflected this fear because Father attempted to reassure me with a forced smile. But the uncharacteristic falsity of his behavior and his barely concealed agitation only made the situation worse. I had never seen him like this. Mother’s face was a mask; it revealed nothing. She spoke as if I needed to clean off the day’s work before we ate.

Garak treats him and Bashir ‘drifting apart’ the same way he describes his young self being trained by Tain to go over his ‘mistakes’ — what did I do wrong? You also see it (almost most heartbreakingly to me) from Tolan when he gets sharper out of worry at the end of the scene where the agent comes to take Garak away to the Bamarren Institute: 

I was stunned. I wanted to ask more, I wanted to ask about the dedication ceremony that afternoon, but I didn’t dare. Father had that look when one of the workers didn’t get it right the first time. But what had I done wrong? 

Oh buddy. He’s so fucking confused. The only thing you’ve done wrong yet is having been born with some connection to Enabran Tain, Elim, I’m so sorry

- We were the “missing pieces”—and in order to find our place in the mosaic of civilized society, we had to be broken down and reconstructed from the bottom up.

Keep your eyes open for ‘broken down and reconstructed’ too, it will be on the final test lol

- The good captain gave me one of his bemused stares.

Sisko ILU. He’s not in this book a lot so I’ll take the chance to say it here, because I do. 

- It was explained to us that until we became disciplined in our relations with the “complementary gender” we would make better progress this way. When I asked One Tarnal how we would learn this discipline without interaction between the sexes, he blinked and mumbled something about “distractions.” When I asked what that meant I was told that I had a loose mouth and given five days of hygiene-chamber maintenance as punishment.

“You don’t know enough to ask so many questions.”

Elim 'Genuinely & Guilelessly Too Deeply Pansexual To Be Able To Follow This Logic’ Garak

- Pythas/Eight descriptions because this is a bad mutual crush situation: 

- Unfortunately, the only student left was quiet Eight Lubak, who kept completely to himself. He agreed to accompany me and quickly moved to the door. He was short and slender, and his dark eyes and long lashes made him look younger than the rest of us. He was almost too delicate for a Cardassian. I was not encouraged … but I had no choice.

‘Dark eyes and long lashes’ huh lol

I started to follow him, but he made it clear that I should stay where I was and wait. All during this, Eight was quiet and controlled—and as sure of himself as if he’d done this many times. How did he know where he was going?

. . .

His face was dark, intense with concentration; his brow ridges, which were unusually pronounced, cast shadows over his eyes. My heart began to pound when I realized what Eight was planning. These were certain to be older students, but he expressed no hesitation, no doubt.

. . .

I didn’t know then if I could ever call Eight a friend. Something about him was strange and impenetrable. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew there was one person in my section I could trust. How I had misjudged him. It was obvious that Eight had what Cardassians call a ferocious spirit—and that I could learn a great deal from him.

. . .

Eight also came from a “service” family background, and it was soon clear to everyone that he should have been designated One Lubak, a fact not lost on the actual holder of that designation who, judging from his behavior and speech, came from the highest echelons of our society.

. . .

Five was an athlete who also did well in class. I could see that he was attracted to Eight. As indeed I was. 

Big round of applause for Andrew Robinson managing to sneak the skywritten subtext into the text like this, it’s an exceedingly rare gift to get to have from the media of this time 

. . .

But by then the group had passed. What murk? Me? Have all the others been captured? Surely not Eight. I couldn’t believe that was possible.

. . .

The only member of my group who performed as well in all areas was the taciturn Eight.

. . .

The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

. . .

Eight remained for a few more minutes. I had the feeling that he wanted to say something more to me. Suddenly he turned and disappeared behind a barrier. The air was filled with whatever went unsaid. He was as shy as anyone I had ever known.

The boys are being useless lesbians at each other omg……… what must this whole mess look like from Pythas’ POV tho. He’s been keeping an eye on his friend/crush so he doesn’t get himself killed by running his mouth off too much to the wrong person and before he knows it the guy is embroiled in an inadvisable bisexual sandwich of betrayal and savage intrigue. I wonder if anything would have been different if Garak and Pythas had managed to actually talk to each other here.   

- Eight was the only person who deserved number One as much as I did—maybe more. My solitary behavior was not always in service to the group. Eight and I exchanged encouraging looks. The support of my one constant friend was all I wanted. I sat there and shut out everything else.

*Garak whenever someone prefers Pythas over him* understandable honestly I’d do the same thing he’s the best have a nice day

End Pythas/Eight teen crush corner

- My mind wandered. I was sure that I heard sounds of the women students gusting with the winds. Suddenly mother materialized … she looked like she was apologizing. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but her image dissolved and … Father took her place. I knew he was telling me something very important, but I was growing dizzy and afraid that I’d join Six on the ground … his words were carried away by the winds.

Suffering and agony

Some assorted 'Just assure me that I'm not going mad, Doctor'/Garak's ever-tenuous grip on his mental health moments:

-I don’t know why I wasn’t surprised that he knew. Instead, I was grateful; it told me I wasn’t going mad.

A recurring worry for him I’m sure it means nothing! I feel the same fellowship with him as I do with Harrow in The Locked Tomb series, which I’m sure says even less, don’t worry about it.  

And how do we even begin to rebuild a world that doesn’t exist anymore? A world that exists in my mind with the same arid bitterness as the dust in my mouth. I have never lived with despair, Doctor, the way I live with it now. It’s almost like a phantom companion that shadows me and casts doubt on whatever I do.

“Why save him?” it asks, as we remove a young boy from the rubble of a school. “You’re only keeping him alive for a future of privation and chaos. Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to join the burial unit?”

I want to scream at this phantom, to shut it up. Once I turned around suddenly and raised my hand to strike it. When I realized it wasn’t there, it was too late. Everyone in the unit was looking at me; I’m sure I must have looked like a madman. Dr. Parmak tried to send me home, but I refused—alone it’s even worse.

I’m just imagining Julian arriving on Cardassia like ‘hey yeah I got your letter and we should fuck about it right now but first of all have you told Parmak you’ve been having vivid hallucinations again because that’s very relevant medical information Garak!!!’ 

- But it was in the Pit and my work with Calyx that I suffered the most. My dreaming made me “an air man.”

“You have no grip, no focus. How can you find your strength if you can’t hold your place? Living in your dreams is like living in exile.”

*whisper* pls don't...

- As I tried to put faces on the shadowy children, they began to approach me. They became more distinct as they moved through the rain and haze. Can you believe it, Doctor? They weren’t my schoolmates; they were the Cardassian orphans from the Resettlement Center on Bajor we once visited. The orphans left after the Cardassian occupation forces withdrew. The same young girl was their leader and her lips formed the same question.

Have you come to take us home?

I jumped up. I felt the shed closing in, threatening to swallow me. I ran out into the rain and gloom.

“There is no home anymore! Can’t you see that? Look around you! It’s gone!” I screamed at them and fell to my knees in the sodden waste. They continued to stare back with that same look of fragile trust that I would somehow relieve them of their fear and bring them home. I couldn’t look at them anymore and dropped down into the muck. My despair was no longer just a voice; it was this monstrous world the evil had created, and it surrounded and overwhelmed me.

I don’t know how long I remained curled up in the mud. I felt myself being lifted and half carried, half dragged back into my shed. It was Dr. Parmak. He cleaned and changed me as best he could. He prepared a cup of Tarkalean tea, which made me think of you, Doctor. How ironic, another doctor pulls old Elim out of the muck of his despair, but this time he’s a Cardassian.

The fact that in the episode itself, Garak (in a haze of endorphins and practiced dissociation) is barely like ‘yes yes I’m sure we’re ALL very upset about the orphans. Or whatever. Well what do you want me to do about it Doctor it’s just the way of the world’ and then it just haunts him horrifically for the rest of his life forever and ever the end! Very on brand.  

Garak does seem to genuinely like and care for children in general, which makes my heart all weird and sad

Also Parmak making Tarkalean tea and Garak being like ‘oh. Like Julian :’(‘ about it my HEART. The fact that he’s a serial befriender of very patient kindhearted doctors willing to put up with his nonsense is probably the only reason he’s still alive lol. Thank u Parmak

- A difficult move under pressure against strong physical resistance from an opponent … and something would snap. A painful blow might set it off, a whispered insult, perhaps just a thought or a feeling of hopelessness, and I would suddenly lose control and lash out like a madman. I became suffused with a raging, crimson anger that poured out from some black hole somewhere deep inside me.

I feel like we see the outlines of this still in him by the time of the show — more tucked away and harnessed, but definitely still there. He’s got an instinctive Fight response a mile wide, it’s just that these days he mostly expresses it by becoming incredibly fucking MEAN when he feels threatened rather than outright physical attack. 

- And there was a soothing quality as it spoke of dry legal definitions. It acted as a balm for my bruises and bitterness. I began to feel such longings. It was like hearing music that you love when you least expect it. How I missed Mother, and working with Father in the flower beds. How I longed for home. I dropped my guard and surrendered to the voice. The tears I was determined never to shed accompanied choking waves of shame and relief, sadness and joy. I finally was able to admit to myself how unhappy I was.

*me with my magnifying glass studying the Palandine/Bashir parallels* listening to Bashir talk about Federation nonsense things presumably fills much the same niche in Garak’s psyche as this haha

- “I assure you, I am not in the habit of attacking people I don’t know in public places. We got our feet tangled in the crush, and he went down—just as, moments before, I nearly wiped out the scent display when he ignored the fact that I was standing in his path. I trust he’s not hurt.”

“I expect more from you, Garak,” Odo lectured. “We’re all under a great deal of strain.”

“As am I, Constable. Please, sit down at least. I feel like a schoolboy being disciplined by the docent.”

Odo sighed and awkwardly perched on the barstool next to mine. 

Their dynamic is. Everything to me. Also we learn later that the guy Garak picks a fight with here because he’s upset Julian is hanging out with Miles (lmao oh… buddy) isn’t just anyone or on impulse, but is one of the most hostile-to-Garaks Bajorans on the entire station with a small gang behind him, and Garak knows exactly who he is. Which lends it a certain… something. Almost an edge of very roundabout self-harm.  

“I can’t stay long. I have to finish dealing with this …”

“ … situation,” I finished. “You’re very fortunate, Odo.”

“How so?” he asked.

“These people have come to trust you. They rely upon you. You’ve made a real connection here.”

Odo merely grunted. I was careful not to mention Major Kira, knowing how reserved he was on the subject.

“Do you still want to go home?” I asked.

The question startled Odo, and for a moment the mask of official reserve dropped from his face. This was the first time I had brought up the subject since his admission to me during the “interrogation” in the Romulan warbird and Tain’s ill-fated attempt to destroy the Founders’ homeworld.

“ I … can’t say,” he replied ambiguously.

“Well, I can. There’s certainly nothing here to keep me.”

“I never told you how sorry I was about Ziyal’s death.” Odo could be quite sensitive in such matters.

“You did, actually,” I nodded. “But thank you.”

“Still, you and Dr. Bashir have created a strong bond.”

“Not really,” I answered quickly. “I’m afraid that what I have to offer has run its course. It’s certainly no match for darts.” I heard the bitterness of my tone, and so did Odo. We sat in silence for a moment.

“I understand you’ll be involved in the invasion. You must be pleased.” Odo steered us away from the heaviness that had descended.

. . . 

“When do you want to schedule your consultation?” I asked. Odo—no doubt influenced by his budding relationship with the Major—was about to branch out sartorially. But it occurred to me that Quark was the last person he wanted to know about it.

“We’ll talk,” he replied, nodding to Quark as he briskly marched back to the Promenade.

AHdorable all around. Hilarious that Odo picked up on trouble in human/lizard paradise and, with the vigor of a person who has freshly had love work out for them for the first time, going ‘not on my fucking watch you’ll talk to each other if it’s the last thing I do’. Also the sheer readiness with which he expects Julian to be Garak’s safe place. What on earth does this relationship look like to outside observers. Especially to Odo, practiced observer of humanoid folly, who completely nails Garak’s whole deal in Improbable Cause to the point that Garak lashes out defensively over it.   

- My solitary confinement was agony. The only way I got through it was to rethink all my attitudes about the Pit and the Wilderness and to focus on how I could make my stratagems more effective. Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?

Going through the whole book it is so stunningly awful that this IS the logic his inner world is shaped around for the vast majority of his life, right up until the ‘present’ part of the storyline where it’s being slowly deconstructed and reassembled. 

- I apologized to the others for disrupting their family; I explained that I had great need of this creature. Not only was Mila (as I eventually called him) the answer to my current problem, he was as important as any of the docents at Bamarren, with the possible exception of Calyx.

;_______________________________________________________________; there’s no part of this that isn’t crushing

Unlike the last time, I had preparation and an ally.

Tain really had to work at deadening Garak’s ability to form loyalty to anything else but him, because left to his own devices and natural instinct Garak will clearly packbond with ANYTHING. He’s so desperate to belong to someone and be loyal to them. 

- As the sun came up, the otherworldly beauty of the Wilderness was gradually revealed by each succeeding gradation of light. I was deeply moved by the presence of so much color in what had initially looked like a dead world to me. Beginning with a cold pale gray, the dawn flowed through a range of blues and into the softest rose and pink and then to a hot red that soon gave way to the merciless bleached bone-white of midday. I was able to see how much territory I had covered the previous night.

Can I just say how unspeakably tender it is that he takes the time to write this out in this. It serves literally no purpose in this narrative but sentiment — to be beautiful. He saw something beautiful once that moved him and he wants to share it with someone. What the fuck. 

- I became increasingly concerned; the sun was getting higher, and the overhanging ledge was now my last source of shade. At one point I took Mila out of his wrapping to check on his condition. At least that’s what I told myself. I was afraid that if I was honest and admitted that the real reason was to solicit help from a regnar, the slide into total insanity would be swift and sure. I was getting desperate.

The funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read fhdskjfas emotional support regnar that he names after his fucking MUM hours. There are things going on with Garak no psychologist could ever hope to get to the bottom of 

- Three more members of the Furtan group were on the other side of the rock formation, but Mila had found a hidden depression that required some quiet digging to get into, and we avoided detection. We settled in and resealed the opening with sand and loose rocks. After an indeterminate period, the Furtan hunters left. As we waited for nightfall I fell into a deep sleep. 

BB!Elim and regnar Mila like ‘OUR secret hiding spot’. (Seeing how much garak both craves and thrives on getting to have that sense of ‘we’ and fellowship tho. And knowing that’s going to be not only deliberately kept from him but made psychologically impossible for him for a very long time. We should bring Tain back to life so we can kill him again and more painfully actually. Mercymorn acid jail for a thousand years time.)

- While I understood that I would have to watch my step with One Charaban, I also acknowledged that I had never been in a manlier or more attractive presence. It was like encountering an ideal that I’d only dreamed about. As I walked back to my section and accepted the congratulations of my mates, I was baffled not so much by the appearance of this new and commanding person in my life as by my recognition of his strong connection to me. But what connection?

Baby pansexual disaster at his finest

- The other day, the Doctor, Odo, and I were at the Replimat having lunch, an event that Odo, after our conversation, had taken it upon himself to organize.

. . . 

“But what about you, Doctor?” I asked, returning to the business at hand. “It seems there’s a movement afoot to have you replace Captain Sisko.” The doctor winced.

“Is this true?” Odo asked. We both looked to the doctor for confirmation. He sighed.

“There’s a group of … genetically enhanced people who feel that one of their own should be guiding the station during this emergency, and they’ve petitioned the Federation Council, but it’s Jack and his group, and no one takes them…” Exasperated, he broke off. “Garak, how did you hear about this?”

“My clientele talk and I listen.” This was also true: an idiot savant who wears his presumed genetic superiority like a badge of privilege walked into my shop and never stopped talking. Of course I encouraged him, and by the time he left I had heard all about some organized attempt to elevate Dr. Bashir to the leadership position. I could see that the doctor was upset that I’d divulged this information. Clearly this genetic business was not his favorite topic of conversation.

“Is this something we should keep an eye on?” Odo asked, studying us carefully.

“No, not at all,” the Doctor assured him. “It’s just Jack’s people. This was nearly a year ago, and I’m afraid they have too much time on their hands—like some other people I know.” He pointedly looked away from me as Odo continued to study us, trying to decode the undercurrent of this last exchange between us. No wonder he was such a capable security operative. Odo registered every change in tone and temperature and tracked the change down to its cause.

“Tell me something, Garak.” It was clear that he had found an opening for one of those deferred questions he kept on a prioritized list somewhere in his changeling head. He was still a basically shy and tactful person, especially when it came to other people’s business, but lately he’d become more openly inquisitive. I wondered if it was Major Kira’s influence.

Matchmaker/self-appointed and woefully under-equipped marriage counselor Odo……….you are Everything to me you dumb beige bitch. Garak goes a bit aggro in return when he tries to get too close to something tender but honestly odo buddy gooey friend of my heart maybe you shouldn’t barge into this particular glassware shop like a rampaging elephant huh someone’s going to get cut. Also Garak could have refrained from pressing on Julian’s bruises for attention here and we may not have had the rest of the scene, but alas. 

This must be the lunch where we deal with uncomfortable subjects.

“But if Cardassia is liberated from Dominion control …” Odo went on.

“When Cardassia is liberated,” I interrupted.

“Would you return?”

“Would you return to the Great Link?” Odo reacted with sharp annoyance to the question.It wasn’t a fair one, because although we were both exiles, we were in very different circumstances. With the humanoid shape he was still learning to live with, and his deepening relationship with Major Kira, Odo was discovering a new mode of existence, a new link. He had an alternative, however difficult the choice. I didn’t.

“Yes, I know. You can’t say.” I was sorry I had asked again. It was a question he was obviously struggling with.

The feeling Garak seems to have towards Odo in this period where like… you know when you have a friend who has a lot of the same mental health issues as you do and you see them get better and start to flourish and you are genuinely so happy for them but also feel just how deep in the muck you yourself still are with no prospect of getting out. And the way Garak consistently wistfully includes Odo’s romantic relationship to Kira when he observes how he’s coming out of his shell and why he has reasons to stay. 

“Would you return to the same Cardassia?” the doctor asked.

“What do you mean ‘same’?” But I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“To a Cardassia containing the political and social elements that made the current situation possible.”

“My dear Doctor, that’s also the Cardassia that made me possible.” I half-hoped my joke would end this conversation … but I knew better.

Julian baby please read the room and take this up some other time somewhere private maybe (and yet I understand how you wouldn’t think of that until later once Garak’s had a rare public freakout)

Absolutely heartbreaking in every way that garak seems so convinced he must have done something wrong or simply doesn’t have anything more of interest to offer julian and that’s why they’re drifting apart, when a just as likely reading from what’s actually on the page here is that julian feels he keeps getting it wrong and hesitates in case he makes the damage worse. Garak have you considered who this man is before you decided you must have fucked up and resigned yourself to the dark closet of self-isolation tain put in your head. I’m in shambles. 

Also Julian is saying a lot of very true things about Cardassia in this scene that Garak needs to hear and that he’s clearly processing all through the rest of his time on DS9 and beyond, as angry as it makes him, and the good doctor means so well but he IS being incredibly condescending, and he keeps pushing even as Garak is signaling he’d rather not go in depth on this, especially in such an exposed public setting. (This is a conversation they SHOULD be having in private, both for emotional reasons and b/c Garak’s position on this station is a lot more vulnerable than I think Julian realizes, as the hostile comments he immediately starts getting during this convo show.) I mean I guess it’s not this man’s fault he is fundamentally British and autistic what can a bitch do fdjslkfhasj (I say this with all the love in my fellow autistic heart, please do not misunderstand me here). But it’s a very Julian well-meaning but flawed thing to do — he’s focusing on the principle and intellectual side of it, but he’s not taking into account that just maybe having to deconstruct the entirety of your worldview and belief system and then feel responsible for implementing them to create a better world afterwards could be an emotionally fraught process that requires not only reasoned political debate but personal, emotional support from a friend. He isn’t getting that Garak isn’t so much categorically resistant to the basic ideas he’s setting forth — it’s that he wants to be convinced on a practical level that it could even work, because otherwise it’s just a useless pretty picture. 

(Which is a big part of their dynamic on many levels, I’ve always felt. All those times he challenges Julian’s more hopeful and idealistic world view — ultimately he doesn’t do that because he wants to break Julian’s faith down until he agrees with him, he does it because somewhere deep down Garak wants to be convinced. He wants there to be hope somewhere in the world, even if he won’t buy the quick and glorified ‘it’s easy to be a saint in paradise’ Federation version of it. And Julian’s version isn’t that, in the end; it gets tested again and again and he really, genuinely means it, even when it’s hard. Which is one of the most healing things about his presence in Garak’s life overall.) 

Ironically I also think Julian believes so much in Garak and his capabilities that it simply doesn’t occur to him that Garak as a private person might just be like. Too scared and overwhelmed to even contemplate this, at least until Garak is upset enough that he can’t gracefully hide it. (“With your background and experience, Garak, I’m certain that you could serve as a liaison between a new Cardassian government and the Federation.” The Doctor paused and waited for a response. None was forthcoming. “I once suggested that you visit Earth as a member of the Cardassian government-in-exile….” oh so no biggie then Julian that sounds easy and painless and I’m surprised no one has thought to do this yet, this Obsidian Order wilted leftover sandwich of a guy is surely going to be welcomed with open arms wherever he goes among his people fhsdakjfas!)

I feel like this is one of Julian’s less sympathetic traits that he would probably feel such intense self-loathing about once he realized it’s one he shares with his father — this instinct to try to shape someone into a ‘better’ version of themselves. I think Julian’s version of this primarily comes from a much, MUCH kinder place than in his father; he has the will and ability to see the best in the world and in people, and he can’t help but want them to live up to that once he’s seen it. He fundamentally believes people can be better, can be good, when given the help and tools they need, and that’s such a beautiful part of him. BUT along with that there is also a danger of that tipping over into becoming paternalistic and controlling, of overly privileging the ideal you see over the person who is actually there right now, and trying to forcibly change the one into the other ‘for them’.  

Considering Garak’s past experiences of being shaped and controlled by someone else’s idea of what he should be, I’m if anything surprised he doesn’t react worse to this, honestly! I think it speaks to the basic trust and goodness that exists between them that he doesn’t. Julian is clumsy but not malicious, and even here Garak does recognize that on some deep level.   

(Probably because he’s also been touched by Julian at his best, in The Wire — where his support and acceptance is absolute and unconditional, free of the instinct to control anything.)

My voice had risen to an uncharacteristic pitch. It was still ringing in my ears as the Doctor stared at me as if he were studying a baffling microbe. I, too, was baffled. I had no idea where this outburst came from. I know that a distance has widened between us during the past year or so and I know that the holosuite program incident and the revelations of his genetic enhancement are the symptoms of this distance rather than the cause. It’s only natural—we’re very different people. I also know that he had only the best intentions in suggesting that I use the Federation model in order to influence the future of Cardassia. Misguided, yes, and somewhat patronizing and arrogant, but hardly sufficient to elicit this embarrassing and public loss of control.

I mumbled some sad excuse which the good Doctor and Odo were kind enough not to challenge and left the Replimat to return to my shop. As I passed Quark’s I caught his eye and we nodded. Why I included him in my outburst also puzzled me; I rather admire his industry and resourcefulness. I especially admire the way he consistently bends Federation rules so that they work for him.

That’s such a fair evaluation of Bashir’s intentions and personality honestly. Even this upset and feeling that distance between them, Garak still has complete trust in the Doctor’s basic good intentions and nature. (Are you really such very different people at the end of the day, though, Elim. Should the genetic enhancement arc maybe be telling you something here.)

Also such a hilarious element of the Garak-Quark relationship.’Sorry to get you caught up in the crossfire bro I’ve never thought of you as anything but an avaricious opportunist (complimentary)’  

What is important is that I feel that I am necessary, that I function with all my faculties in the service of a greater cause. And while I wait for this invasion, is making Odo more attractive to Major Kira a greater cause?

It is in fact nothing but the greatest cause Garak. Getting Kira happily lovingly laid is priority one at all times. 

- I had no real friends to speak of, and told myself that loneliness was the price I had to pay for success. I considered the games and behavior of my mates to be childish, and that any unnecessary interaction would only distract me from my work. The truth, of course, was that I didn’t know how to forge those kinds of bonds. I wanted to be closer to Eight, and to a lesser degree Five, who besides being one of the great Pit strategists Bamarren ever had was fair in all his dealings.

(I feel like this whole part is going to hit Julian in some kind of way lmao)

Literally just. Put me in a little box on the bottom of the ocean and leave me there forever I can’t go on. Also he’s SUCH a clever-but-socially-inept teenager in this part around the people in his group he doesn’t like fhdkjsa. Ugh they’re all so annoying and fake just leave me alone *eyeroll emoji* I didn’t want to be included in their idiotic conversation bb elim… I would die for your lightly insufferable but entertainingly snarky teenage butt in a way that actually makes me feel more kindly towards my own inner idiot 16 year old.

Also it’s no wonder he’s so out to sea when it comes to interacting with his peers — by all accounts he didn’t play much with other kids as a child and then he’s dropped straight into a social Lord of the Flies piranha tank shot through with Class Shit. 

Inspired by my guide Mila, I would experiment at withdrawing my presence when I had to remain in the same room with people I didn’t like.

Honing his future customer service worker smile 

Here follow some Bamarren and beyond observations I’ve elected to call ‘Sex Stuff’:  

- Oh ok so garak gets some sexual Thing out of being beaten to a pulp after mouthing off through the same mechanism that made spanking known as the ‘English Vice’ across Europe when that was the go-to punishment in British boarding schools. I see. Many things are revealed to me

I looked from the pale, frozen face of Three to the others. They all looked like statues commemorating fear. And I was pleased. I realized at that moment that they were in my control, and that I would no longer have any trouble with them. Especially Three. I felt the power like a drug surging through my system.

And then, of course, the other side of the masochism/sadism scale smoothly coming in, he contains those multitudes. In Garak’s defense idk if you could go through a psychosexual development that wasn’t deeply, deeply weird in this sort of environment 

“What do you want me to do?” I was trembling as if my body were chilled.

Well, I mean. You know fhkdsjha. And he’s rewarded with the first non-aggressive physical contact he’s had here, you say. (For reference he’s talking to Barkan, of the aforementioned ‘manliest presence’.) I’m sure this didn’t awaken anything in him or anything.

“Elim, why do you think we have these ridges?” She stroked the scalloped cords of cartilege and bone that ran along her neck and down her shoulders with a delicacy that stopped my breath. The energy had turned into molten liquid that was now flowing into my groin. The rest of the world was swallowed by complete darkness and I was back inside the tunnel.

“Because … we do,” I replied stupidly.

Fhdjskfhsdjkfhadskjfhas he’s so easy fdsjkfhas. And what a one-two punch of sexual confusion he got there. That one afternoon did irreparable damage to the libidinous development of this poor man and now he has to live like this.

For the second time tonight I was spellbound by another’s passion. In very different ways, Charaban and Palandine held me in their orbit, like powerful suns.

I was learning something new about myself—an emerging desire for power, but a power that had less to do with mastery over others than it did with connecting to them. The way I felt the connection to Charaban … and especially to Palandine.

And, I’m so sorry to have to break it to you like this, your biodad. I’m sorry Elim you’ve got something truly unfortunately Freudian going on here. It’s not your fault.  

“I love the Blind Moon,” Charaban said softly.

“Why is it called that?” I asked, deeply relieved by the mysterious change that had come over us.

“It’s the time for lovers’ assignations,” Palandine answered. “The moon will give them enough light to meet, but not so much for them to be discovered.”

“So if you and Elim were true lovers I wouldn’t have been able to find you,” Charaban teased.

“That’s right, Barkan,” she said with a direct look. I shifted position in the ensuing silence and tried to hide my disappointment with Palandine’s reply, but at the same time, the pleasure I felt in the company of these two people kept growing.

“See?” Palandine suddenly addressed me. “You can do it.”

“What?” I was startled by her delighted burst.

“Smile. Look at that, Barkan. Wouldn’t you tell someone with that smile everything he wanted to know?” she demanded.

“The first time I met him—well, the second…” he corrected himself, “he had a smile that I wanted to wipe off his face.” He was referring to that early morning in front of the Central Gate.

“But it wasn’t that smile,” Palandine insisted.

“No,” he conceded. “Definitely not that one.” And the truth was that I could feel this smile throughout my entire body.

Noooo this is about to go so wrong…it’s all fun and games and bisexual poetry recitation under the blind moon until someone gets stabbed in the back like the Caesar (well caesar notably got stabbed from many many directions but you see what I’m trying to get at here)

- [The Klingon] looked up, and I immediately knew two things about him: he was inebriated beyond reason and he was one of their shock troopers, a callused veteran of hand-to-hand combat. I took a deep breath; as dolts go he was quite impressive. My spirits were suddenly and immeasurably lifted.

“You spoonhead!” he growled at me. I hated that word.

“And you … a great warrior who brings down dabo girls with a single blow,” He looked at me trying to decide if I had insulted or complimented him.

“P’tak!” I shouted, “I mean that you’re the biggest coward in the Klingon Empire,” He released the dabo girl, and as he moved to the narrow stairway I thought that he was also the biggest Klingon in the Empire.

I looked for my advantage. This was not an equal match, and my gigantic friend was in the full flush of a berserker blood lust. I sighed. I’m too old for this, I thought. 

. . .

“Get security, Chief, and tell them to prepare the biggest cell they have … or a smaller coffin for me,” I said as I moved into the alcove and squeezed through the opening where the panel had been. 

 Listen I would apologize for including this here but he’s clearly getting off on this and I couldn’t do anything about it if I wanted to. 

I cannot convey just how much my already intense enjoyment of canon is enriched by the knowledge that Garak is up to these kinds of hijinks constantly in the background when the camera isn’t on him. In his defense he was left unsupervised. O’Brien’s fond mildly exasperated help is just the cherry on top. ‘Well I GUESS Julian would be upset if I let you get beaten to death by a drunk Klingon so fine I’ve got your back’  

(I made for the upper Promenade—and wondered if Calyx might be enjoying this spectacle from wherever he was. ;______; I like how much of an impact Calyx has on his development, considering how briefly he was actually in his life. Plus: Calyx; the Aiglamene of Bamarren? Locked Tomb/DS9 fandom overlap people, Let’s Discuss.) 

“Help me,” he croaked. I was touched by the giant’s childlike surrender. I knew the feeling well.

“I will,” I replied and immediately wondered why I had agreed. I’m getting soft, I thought. 

The greatest joy to me of a lot of this is, like… idk if these are all exactly the things that happened at every turn. In fact I’d say they very likely aren’t, Garak’s entire character taken into consideration. But they are certainly the things he wants someone — someone he trusts as far as he knows how, someone he earnestly wants to be closer to than anyone else, and also wants to see all of him — to know about him, to share in. This could just have easily been a story he told Julian in person over lunch to make him laugh. It’s silly and frivolous and fun, and as much at his own expense as a ludicrous person as to show off. To a true lying liar who lies connoisseur, unreliable narration tells more than it obscures etc. lol  

- (About Barkan) It was the appearance of warmth that made his charm so attractive. A part of me wanted to tell him everything, to challenge the duplicity of his negative evaluation, but the clarity I found in the Lower Prefect’s office was still with me. Looking at him, I was reminded how Palandine had taught me to smile when I asked questions.

Apart from Pythas, who gets his own little twink corner, most of the people Garak is attracted to throughout this are his height or taller and slender but athletic. I’m just saying that when he spotted Julian in the Replimat for the first time he really saw a young man with the face of an angel who is exactly his type fhdjskah maybe he should have seen this coming for himself. Too high on endorphins and hubris to think this would awaken anything in him irrevocably and now he’s stuck with the consequences.  

Why? I asked myself. Why?! For the life of me I could not understand why it was important to her that I respond. Why should she—so beautiful, so alive—be disappointed if I didn’t return her … what? What did she want from me? Friendship? Why me?

I was in turmoil. Her grace and manner, the way she tilted her head and half smiled when she listened, as if everything amused her … it was like a forbidden dream of the unattainable. The attraction was painful because I instinctively knew that while my life would be simpler and more controllable without her, it would also be as drab as my Bamarren uniform.

. . . 

“Are you making fun of me?” It was at that moment, when I asked the question, that I realized just how afraid I was of being the object of her ridicule. She stopped laughing and for the first time she was speechless. 

Losing my entire fucking MIND about how Garak is basically taking Palandine’s place when he approaches Julian at first. Odo and Garak ‘I love you so much I want to become you because it’s the only way I can imagine really being close to you’ handshake meme

Sex stuff end. For now.

I was about to leave when Odo asked about the designs for his “new” sartorial look. I could see that he was masking his concern, so I assured him that the sketches were some of my finest creations, and would be ready within the week. He grunted his thanks and I stepped out onto the Promenade. Love does make fools of us all.

I’m clawing at my face with emotion. Odo… And Garak did finish those sketches even after his moment of existential ennui over them before. 

- Please for the love of god stop putting Six out in the merciless sun T_____T how many times must a poor lil nerd boy pass out before he can rest in the sand etc. 

- “It’s not every evening we find Barkan Lokar strolling with a murk through the Grounds.”

“Lokar? My father buried the Legate, Turat Lokar,” I said without thinking.

“Did your father kill him?” Palandine joked. But I didn’t laugh. The Lokars were a legendary family, and the old man’s funeral was the largest I had ever seen.

Why is this so funny. Garak you are so fucking weird. ‘Oh yeah I know that guy my dad did the flower arrangements for his funeral’ 

- A spirited dabo game involving several Klingons and a serious-looking dabo girl I hadn’t seen before caught my attention. If Quark had been present he’d be giving her one of his congeniality lectures. I truly sympathize with the young woman; if I had to spend all day with these drunken dolts….

Literally so hilarious that’s his first thought. First impulse: ‘surrounded by idiots’ solidarity. Garak what were you doing day drinking at the devil’s sacrament/quarks at midday girl…

- Rom soon appeared with a small container of kanar. He was wearing an outfit I had made for him.

“H-here you are, Garak. I hope you enjoy it.” Ever the gracious host.

“Thank you, Rom. And please, try not to let your collar lie there like a dead targ.” I adjusted the offending fabric, and Rom sweetly tolerated my fussing.

I’m fucking crying what the HELL. Surprise wholesome dynamic that keeps going through the whole narrative. Garak just uncomplicatedly likes and appreciates Rom, with no particular ulterior motive. Plus: fussing is also how we see Mila express affection, like mother like son.   

- I realized as I took a sip of my drink that I was in a dangerous mood. Drinking in the middle of the day. The Doctor would be quite disappointed with me. When I’m unable to immerse myself in work my mind becomes occupied by an invading army of thoughts intent upon conquering all equilibrium and peace. Kanar is a valuable if unreliable weapon I employ against this army. The pills the Doctor gives me are a poor substitute.

Julian, severely unimpressed: uh-huh

‘Would Julian want me to do this to myself? No. However he’s too busy playing soldiers with O’Brien to tell me so, apparently, so that can’t stop me.’ You petty lil bitch garak (affectionate)

The fact that he’s doing the The Little Julian Who Lives In My Head thing already here, where the real Julian is actually around but not engaged with him. I’m so sad. He’s managed to discover shrimp colour spectrums of loneliness and pining.  

- Ever since the Romulan business and Captain Sisko’s near breakdown (outside of the Doctor, whom I told shortly after the incident, no one knows about this, but one recognizes the symptoms), I’ve been obsessed with memories of Bamarren. 

The fact that he tells Julian about that. Presumably partly in a practical way to make sure Sisko doesn’t fall to pieces completely but he doesn’t seem to have any shame about it or expect Bashir to react too badly over it either. The trust…

- I must admit that I was quite taken aback. Evidently there is honor among dolts.

I’m genuinely impressed by how enjoyable it is in this book to be party to Garak’s inner voice. It’s so fun in here, among all the horrors. 

- Nine approached me as I sat alone in our quarters reading the first part of Cylon Pareg’s Eternal Stranger, a saga spanning several generations of a Cardassian family during the early and middle Union.

*whisper of agonized affection* between this and his happy place being studying wormhole theory… he’s such a little nerd. 

Nine swallowed again, an even more bitter taste, and marched off to a life of diminishing returns.

LMAO burn. And, as we shall see, not necessarily inaccurate.  

- As I walked away I heard the custodian ask Tarnal what it was I had done to deserve this punishment.

“Nobody told me. But I know he’s got a mouth on him,” Tarnal replied.

The more things change I guess fdhsakja. Known across the school for being a) a sneaky lil bastard and b) never ever shutting the fuck up when he really really should 

- “And you have to use that wonderful smile of yours more often, Elim.”

“What’s that got to do with listening?” That was the subject, and Palandine had typically made a jump in logic I couldn’t follow. She also forgot that I was a Cardassian male and smiling was not one of our strong features.

“If they feel comfortable with you, people will tell you stories about themselves that will reveal their deepest secrets.”

“But what if the stories aren’t true?” I challenged. “I could smile till my cheeks hurt, and you could tell me any kind of story you wanted—and what would I know about you except what you invented?”

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted.

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not? Because it’s not what you believe? Or it doesn’t fit a definition of the truth that someone taught you? Look at people, Elim.” Palandine gestured as if the enclosure were filled with people. “Observe them. The way they walk and talk, the way they hold themselves and eat their meals. That’s what they believe about themselves. Is it the ‘truth’? Are they really that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it is a lie. But what people lie about the most are themselves, and these lies become the stories they believe and want to tell you.”

“As long as I’m smiling,” I mumbled.

. . . 

“Truth, as we’ve learned to define it, is not only overrated,” she went on with a controlled passion, “it’s designed to keep people in the dark.”

This last statement stopped me.

“You mean the way we’ve been taught?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“What about our government?”

“They tell us the stories that we need to know in order to be good citizens,” she replied carefully.

“They don’t tell us the truth, is what you’re saying,” I concluded.

“There you go again. They tell us their truth, Elim, and we are here to learn how to listen.”

. . . 

“Let the ones without power scowl and make fierce faces.You smile. It’s an invitation to connect with another person. And once the invitation is accepted, relax and listen … you’ll come to know as much as you’ll ever need to about that person,” she said with a smile that I greedily accepted.

“You would know, if you were truly listening, the kind of story I use to define myself,” she asserted. 

“But it’s not the truth!” I maintained.

“Why not?” 

SO when I was saying he’s taking Palandine’s place in this dynamic with Julian early on I was not kidding and I was not wrong hahaha. And it’s also what this entire book is, in the end. Trusting Julian to ‘truly listen’ to the story under the stories is maybe the biggest show of trust and vulnerability Garak could ever extend to anyone. Extremely The Wire-core once more.

The idea that tiny Garak was too outwardly glum and serious is. Amazing and brainbreaking. People feeling uncomfortable under his gaze b/c he’ll just like scowl distrustfully at them. Palandine I don’t know if you fixed him or made him worse but you certainly did something fundamental to him and committed him to the bit and for that I cannot thank you enough

- I no longer had Palandine to myself—but surprisingly, I didn’t mind, in fact I was pleased that Charaban was here. His stillness, like everything else about him, had grace and strength. I sneaked another look in his direction and marveled that this was the same person I had first encountered in the storeroom. He returned my look, and in the next few moments a bond grew between us that I had never thought possible. 

You know if Barkan was really smart or had the capacity for extended self-control he would have just kept stringing Garak along as the third in his disastrous marriage. Garak is used to subsisting on the merest scraps of affection and consideration, you’d barely even have to feed him. (Ala Daisuke Jigen with many an evil ex, for the Lupinheads out there lol) A threesome here and there and maybe gently stroking his hair afterwards and you’d have him for life, probably. Alas or perhaps thankfully Barkan is ultimately just an asshole and not that smart. 

- A Bolian client came down the steps outside the door and was about to enter the shop, but for some reason he stopped at the threshold. He looked at us, turned, and went back the way he came.

LMAO that guy was like ‘something really fraught and homosexual is going on here and that is frankly none of my business, as you were gentlemen don’t mind me.’ A real ally and a bro.  

“I’m keeping you from your business.” Bashir stood up. “I won’t take up any more of your time.”

“I’m pleased you stopped by.” I was about to escort him to the door.

“No, you’re not,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Garak, I come from a culture that has perfected the ‘stiff upper lip,’” he explained with the same faint smile.

“What does that mean?” It was a genuine question; there was a change in his attitude.

“It means that we never complain, never admit to our feelings, never ask for help. It’s just not done,” Bashir explained. “And those people who lack character’ and insist on airing their needs—especially in public—are subject to ridicule… and worse. Does this sound familiar?”

“Perhaps,” I replied softly.

“But I’m also a doctor, Garak. And I know which group of people suffers the most. I really won’t take up any more of your time.” He extended his hand, which he rarely did, and I took it. “Thank you for the tea.” He turned and went out the door.

I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. Yes, Doctor, it does sound familiar. But as to the question of which group suffers the most…

. . . 

After Charaban’s betrayal I became as withdrawn and solitary as I had been when I first came to the Institute. I tried to spend time with Palandine, but it never quite worked out; between her regular duties and the recruitment and planning for the female Competition, she had little time for anything else. But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

1) Going NUTS over the fact that these are separated by ONE paragraph. Andy Robinson staring directly into the camera making parallels between the main love interests in this book like ‘Am I making myself clear here. Do you get it yet’. Also really interesting to make this relationship pattern a, well, pattern in Garak’s life, and not a unique element of his and Bashir’s thing (which Doylistically was basically a byproduct of cowardly 90s standards for tv writing more than anything else lol)

2) But there was something else, a distance that had crept between us that I didn’t understand. I felt ashamed, that somehow I had failed and it was my fault, but I found it difficult to discuss. This was probably the loneliest I had ever been.

 The Palandine/Bashir parallel train barrels on, scoring a deep trail of heartache into my soul. Also in that case it’s so sad because he really hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to be ashamed of, Barkan and Palandine are the ones who fucked him over :’( 

3) I stood there for a long moment, deeply upset. I felt trapped within myself, knowing what I had to do to get out but unable even to begin. + Tolan’s grief at seeing Garak after Bamorren: “He’s hard, Mila,” Father said. . . . “But to the point where he’s unreachable?” Father asked. “Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he’s trapped inside a shell?” + Just as I had learned to do when Uncle Enabran locked me in that suffocating closet. Was this the universal torture for failure, I wondered?...........................................................................

4) More proof to my eyes that Julian’s side of this whole thing seems to be more about thinking Garak doesn’t actually want him to be there. He doesn’t think he’s welcome here or that he’ll be able to help more than he hurts with whatever’s going on for him. ‘I really won’t take up any more of your time’ AUGH 

Garak buddy… every time he tries to get closer to you or extend some care, you bristle like a hedgehog even though you’re trying to do it in as polite and decent a way as possible — what is the poor guy supposed to think beyond a certain point lmao. (Though on the hopeful/beautiful side… what is this entire book but Garak actually taking the advice/suggestion Bashir gives in this scene to reexperience his past and put it in context — not in the holosuites, but in his own way by writing it all out in a way that makes sense to his Cardassian brain and then sharing that with Julian directly. Like. The last line of the book is ‘You’re always welcome, Doctor’. Elim ‘I will become emotionally healthy enough to ask Julian to come visit with an open heart if it fucking kills me’ Garak)  

I’m so soft for how careful they both are with each other in this scene, though. Even in this difficult place where there’s stuff they don’t understand about each other and they are having difficulty connecting for… several reasons, they are trying so so hard to be good to each other. Which is why I think they have every chance of working out brilliantly long-term; once you’ve got a mutual respect, willingness to keep working to understand and communicate with each other even when it’s difficult, and that fundamental ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ good faith in a relationship you’re a good chunk of the way there, from what I have observed. 

Julian cares that Garak was upset, much more than he cares about being right, and this time he shows it in a more private setting where Garak can take it in. They’re trying!  

5) The implication in But as to the question of which group suffers the most… that Garak also realizes how much he’s hurting Julian by not being able to let him in…

Most of all the fact that Bashir in this scene is like ‘Listen Garak I get emotional repression. I’m literally British.’ is one of the funniest things that happen in the whole book. To me. (I’m Norwegian, culturally this has. Some overlap with my experience, let’s say lol) 

- Six had long since gone home. He wanted to succeed so badly, but his body couldn’t withstand the constant assault of the training. I’m sure he found an academic situation. 

Oh thank GOD. Genuinely so relieved to hear this. This is how many times a nerd boy must pass out before he rests in the sand and gets to go to normal university instead of murderschool, the question is finally answered.  

- Tain has shown up again and I want to throw rocks at him until he goes away. And I know he won’t. 

- My shed has become somewhat more bearable, but the clutter and confinement of the interior space requires that I leave the door open. To keep myself busy when I’m not working with the med unit, Doctor, I am engaged in a project I must tell you about. It baffles me. Perhaps you can tell me if I’m losing my mind altogether.

. . . 

[Parmak] turned to me with the strangest expression on his face—and looked me directly in the eyes for the first time.

AUGH. (Plus, the fact that Parmak consistently calls him ‘Elim’.)

But what baffles me, Doctor, is that I attach no meaning to what I’m doing here. I’m just doing it because I need to. And to be truthful, I don’t see this as a memorial at all. On the contrary—if I could, I’d singlehandedly rebuild this city myself, piece by piece. I stood here watching Parmak’s blood dry on this pile of rubble, engulfed by a feeling of loss and utter mystification as to what these piles mean.

Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor.

This whole section is the biggest mood and I’ve rarely felt closer to a fictional character haha. His quietly dissociated tired bemusement both with himself and what he’s doing and Parmak’s reaction is… yeah that’s exactly what that feels like. And ‘Just assure me that I’m not going mad, Doctor’ has done irreparable damage to my psyche, I’m going to be thinking about this forever

- Palandine gestured that she would deal with me and sent the mate on her way.

“So what did you use me for?” I asked.

“What do we ever use each other for?” she replied without hesitation.

“Answering a question with a question is an old trick, Palandine.”

“No trick. I needed a friend.”

“And you don’t need a friend now” I hated the tone that was creeping into my voice.

“It’s complicated, Elim.”

I was afraid to ask why.

“What did you use me for?” she asked.

The question truly baffled me. I only wanted her love. Was that using her? I would gladly have given mine in return.

Still gnawing on concrete over Garak partially reenacting Palandine’s way of approaching him with Bashir in the beginning. At that point he also needed a friend (and he needed someone to run to Sisko like ‘THE SPY TALKED TO ME :D’ to deliver intel through so he was also using him lol.) The way Garak picks up traits from the people he loves like he’s doing the soul version of Odo’s shapeshifting-as-closeness thing because it’s the only way he knows. 

- “So it’s Eight,” he said, dismissing me from his world.

“I don’t think you understand, Barkan….” Palandine began to say.

“It’s not necessary that he understand,” I dismissed him from my world.

Barkan… you did not understand what you were doing, getting into an emotionally and sexually charged petty-off with this man. RIP your stupid ass I guess lmao

“I wanted to tell you. But when I realized … I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said with a gentleness that rankled me.

“I’m not hurt. Neither one of you can hurt me. I wish you a successful… partnership.”

Palandine is so interesting!!!! And like here’s one of the things that I think make a big difference in Garak’s relationship with Palandine vs. his relationship with Julian — who tells him exactly the same thing in ‘The Wire’, after all! (I don’t want to hurt you) Because Palandine doesn’t really mean it, does she? She doesn’t mean ‘I don’t want you to be hurting, I want to protect you from being harmed’, she means ‘I didn’t want to be the thing that hurt you; I didn’t want to be faced with your hurt’, while she is doing things that will inevitably hurt him. I think there is genuine affection and care on her side, but they’re in such a fucked up, brutal world and they’re so young. 

‘I’m not hurt. Who’s hurt’ says teen crying quiet tears of blood as his world falls to pieces 

“I love him, Elim. And I’m also ambitious. I want what he wants. You’ll understand this when you find someone to share your….”

Not me wondering how much of this has echoes to Mila’s relationship to Tain and how that’s part of what Garak reacts to — that survival mechanism of ‘I want what he wants’, subsuming and submitting yourself completely. Which of course is what a Cardassian is supposed to do to the state, and that Garak also does with Tain for the vast majority of both of their lives. The worst part is that Palandine really had some reason to hope for more — she and Barkan start out in a more equal position than it’s implied Mila and Tain ever did, that’s always framed as an inter-class thing, and while Palandine’s family situation is not as grand as Barkan’s it doesn’t seem like it crosses the service class/ruling class barrier. But the structure of the state imposed on every level of society right down to the most intimate and personal areas of life is going to crush the life out of that hope real fast. I’m sorry girl. Wanting to have a fighting chance in this world isn’t the worst sin anyone’s committed and tbf you are like a teen by all accounts

- “My name is Elim Garak. I don’t know where I’m being sent, but I hope you’ll remember me as your friend.”

“When I was told today that I was One Lubak, I was honored… and afraid that I’d lose you as a friend. Thank you. My name is Pythas Lok.”

Neither one of us ever took our eyes off Mila, who was still trying to blend into his surroundings.

Crying gently into my cereal

Garak ‘I wasn’t sure I could ever call him a friend’ vs. Pythas ‘Afraid that I’d lose you as a friend’

Something powerful was stirring deep inside me, and I began to shake. Mila snapped his head to the side, the way he does when he senses light or heat change. Convulsive waves pushed up from my center and tears filled my eyes, blinding me. I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. By the time the convulsions subsided and my eyes cleared, Mila had disappeared into the rock-and-sand home he came from. 

Absolutely sobbing my eyes out into my cereal 

Spoiler warning: Garak having to go somewhere to be alone after something calamitous happens in his life because that’s the only way he can cry is a theme that will reemerge later and do unspeakable emotional damage to me personally haha

As I hiked back to the Institute, I had the thought that maybe somebody was doing the same thing for me and bringing me back home.

No baby you see someone is doing the exact opposite of this to you right now because you have a basic goodness and capacity for real honest love that Tain doesn’t and he’ll never in a million years set you free just because he loves you and it’s the right thing for you 

- And Jadzia is gone. The station is a sadder and grayer place without her. I’m surprised at how keenly I feel her absence. Even though I know that her symbiont has been “joined” with another person … well, it’s not the same, is it? Indeed, knowing that Jadzia’s personality is somehow contained along with several others within this other person, I wonder how I would react if we were ever to meet.

:(

The doctor has reminded me that these are personal choices, and it’s not for us to judge how one chooses to mourn. Quite so. Who can even begin to understand another’s grief? “Do you judge people by the clothes they ask you to make?” the doctor asked once. I bit back my response, but the point was well taken.

:’) little soul-healing brush of Julian kindness time 

- “What does Tir Remara want with you?” Colonel Kira demanded, ignoring my offer of tea. Immediately an entire picture formed in my head of the scenario her abrupt question suggested: Tir Remara—a spy, perhaps even a changeling, preying upon a lonely Cardassian who was working for the Federation and engaged in top-secret work.

“She wants to have my children,” I replied with a serious look.

“You can’t be serious,” she managed.

“I’m not. Now do you want this tea or not?”

Kira should just have strangled you all those times she wanted to you snarky asshole fhdskja

[zukkaoru]

13 + nikonathan, 8 + ultra lemon, 19 + kunichuu, 24 and 33 + ships of your choosing

i offer you: some fluff, some angst, and some nikonathan being extremely unnormal <3

nikonathan + a kiss on the chest

The bathroom mirror is still fogged up from Nathaniel’s shower when Nikolai teleports himself into the bathroom. He waited a respectful thirty seconds after the water shut off, and he did try to open the door, but of course, Nathaniel locked it. As if that would act as a deterrent.

“Hiya, Nathan!” he greets cheerily, only to be met with a yelp and an elbow to the ribs. 

“What on earth are you doing?!” he demands.

Nikolai’s answer comes in the form of him backing Nathaniel against the wall. He has a towel wrapped around his waist. Water droplets fall from his hair and trail down his exposed skin. Nikolai wants to lick them off. Maybe sink his teeth into Nathaniel’s flesh as he does so, mixing water and blood before he devours him whole.

“Nikolai,” Nathaniel growls.

“You are wearing entirely too many clothes,” Nikolai notes. He lowers his head, pressing a kiss to Nathaniel’s neck. Then lower again, until his lips are hovering over Nathaniel’s chest, just above his heart. When he presses them firmly against Nathaniel’s still-damp skin, he can feel the hammering heartbeat beneath.

In a perfect world, Nikolai would tear apart his flesh and feast on the organ hidden within. He would stain himself with Nathaniel’s blood as he gorged on his heart, and then he would lick each of his fingers clean so as to ensure nothing would go to waste.

But as it stands now, Nikolai settles for the kiss. And when he looks up towards Nathaniel’s face, he is pleased to note that it’s flushed blood-red.

-

ultra lemon + a platonic kiss

Kajii blinks “You want to— what?”

“Kiss you,” Ranpo repeats. Like that’s a normal thing to ask of someone you just met two hours ago—someone who is supposed to be your enemy, no less. “I’ve never kissed anyone before, and I’m tired of it. Everyone else at the office has had their first kiss. Even the new kid’s sister, who is still in high school! So if you kiss me, then they won’t be able to tease me anymore.”

“Okay,” Kajii says slowly. He supposes that reasoning makes sense, though there’s bound to be a hundred other people Ranpo could get to kiss him.

“Is that a yes?”

Kajii hesitates. But he isn’t exactly known for making good decisions, and impulsivity has been his best friend for as long as he can remember. So he shrugs and says, “Sure, why not?”

He doesn’t exactly have much experience with kissing himself, but Ranpo doesn’t need to know that.

Ranpo cheers, clapping his hands together. He leans forward eagerly, and Kajii gladly meets him halfway.

-

kunichuu + underwater kiss

Chuuya catapults themself into the pool, jumping off of the diving board and into the cool water below. They swim across the pool, only breaking the surface once they reach where Kunikida is standing along the wall.

“Hey, pretty boy,” Chuuya grins. Kunikida purses his lips like he’s trying to suppress a smile, and Chuuya trails a finger down his chest. “You should come swim instead of just standing around being boring.”

“I’d rather not.”

Chuuya pouts. They reach up, wrapping their arms around Kunikida’s neck. “Please?”

Kunikida hesitates. “My glasses—”

Chuuya plucks them off of his face, then uses their ability to float them safely over to the rest of his stuff. Kunikida furrows his eyebrows, or maybe he’s just squinting because he can’t see much now. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

“Well?” Chuuya prompts.

“Fine. But only for a bit.”

That’s all the encouragement Chuuya needs. They tug Kunikida away from the wall and tell him, “Hold your breath.”

His eyes widen, but he doesn’t get a chance to argue before Chuuya pulls him beneath the surface. They cup his face with both hands, then press their lips against his. For a moment, it feels as if they’re flying, assisted by Chuuya’s ability.

Chuuya thinks they would be perfectly content to live in this moment forever.

-

souheki + a sleepy kiss

Ranpo whines as Dazai starts to pull away from them, grabbing blindly in an attempt to make him stay. Dazai huffs out a laugh.

“Go back to sleep,” he says. “I’m just going to the bathroom.” It’s not the full truth, exactly—Dazai has been lying awake for the past hour and a half, and if he’s left alone with his thoughts for any longer, he’s going to smash his skull against the wall. So he’ll go to the bathroom and then pace around the dorm for a bit and hope that tires him out.

“Nooo,” Ranpo mumbles. “You’re so warm. Don’t leave.”

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Dazai lies. He feels a bit bad, but he knows Ranpo will be passed out again in five minutes. Still, he leans back in and placates him with a kiss.

Ranpo sighs contentedly, loosening their grip on Dazai’s shirt and allowing him to slip away. They snuggle back beneath the blankets, and Dazai presses one last kiss to the side of their head. He allows his lips to linger just a moment too long.

When he pulls back, Ranpo is smiling.

-

nikonathan + kiss to a scar/birthmark/injury/etc

“Nathaniel— Oh.” Nikolai’s breath catches in his throat as Nathaniel’s lips brush against his skin, just above his eyebrow, where the scar crossing his eye begins. The touch is far too gentle, far too soft for whatever it is that exists between them. It’s revolting.

Nikolai might shatter beneath it.

Nathaniel says nothing as his lips drop lower. He kisses his way along the entire length of the scar, cradling Nikolai’s face in his hands. Something harsh and painful and sharp presses against Nikolai’s chest. It splinters his ribcage and digs itself into his heart. It’s horrible and Nikolai wants to drown in it.

When Nathaniel finally finally finally pulls away, his expression is unreadable. Nikolai wants to crack him open, wants to push them back into familiar territory where he is an annoyance and Nathaniel hates so much as looking at him. But his lips stay firmly shut. His voice won’t work.

Nikolai wants to die, just a little.

He’s trapped, pinned in place by Nathaniel’s stare.

For the first time, he understands why Nathaniel only ever looks at him with contempt in his eyes. This disgusting thing that has grown between them has dug its roots too far into Nikolai’s soul. He needs to rip it out. He needs to burn it. He needs Nathaniel gone.

Instead, he tugs Nathaniel into a searing kiss.

[bluepeachstudios]

GitS Asks!

Lots of Chapter 29 spoilers in here!

@hrshlandturtles I'm so sorry fhgkdjhgd thank you so much for enjoying! I know chapter 29 was a rough one. I'm so glad everyone liked it, I was so nervous about it. It was fun seeing the different reactions from 2003 fans vs non-2003 fans. I feel like GitS is really two different stories in one. It effects both groups in different ways and ough it's so good. I will say, watching 2003 again after Ghost is. Oof. It horts.

Ghost: I tolerate them both and that's all you can ask of me.

If this chapter caused you distress, you may be entitled to compensation. Call 555-GOGO to join the class-action lawsuit against Amevello Blue to receive a payout for YOUR emotional damages. (The payout is more GitS chapters).

Well he didn't lose it, it's just. Broken. Like everything else from his world. Him included.

The mutation wasn't that big of a surprise, but the Reveal tho ;)

Thank you!! <3

Ough I know. Splinter was like "okay he's just pissed off at me and feels bad, he's just mad at me, that's fine" and then the skateboard ramp... The boys love that ramp. And Ghost would never hurt them. That's how he knows Ghost is gone.

Ohhhh my god I'm so unnormal about that scene in 2003. When Leo's desperately shooting his own brother with tranqs. Don is tearing the base apart and Leo has to fight around him, screaming for people not to hurt his brother, begging for more time to calm him down from Bishop... oof... my heart...

@sakuracards I'm glad you enjoyed!! And yes, they know now :')

Ghost knows, he knows Splinter can understand some of it. But Splinter also lived in Japan, where he didn't deal with those things. Maybe he wasn't accepted as completely himself. Splinter definitely went through shit. Ghost knows this. But he had a childhood, even if it was marred with his mother's loss.

Ghost is talking about something much deeper than what Splinter experienced. From the very beginning, Ghost and his brothers were raised knowing that it was only the four of them. They were it. Period. No one else. If they were seen, or caught, they would get taken to a facility and killed and dissected, or kept alive and experimented on. No one would vouch for them because they were different.

There is such a deep difference between feeling acceptance early in life, knowing that there were people who would accept and love you, who would care about your well-being because at the end of the day you are all human, and growing up with only four of your kind. You are alone together. There may be kind people but they will never connect with you on the same level as being a mutant turtle. They are the only four of their kind.

Ghost spent a single year in a world where there were people who would accept and protect them. He was barely starting to learn that he could feel safety in people other than his brothers, that he could connect despite not being the same species.

Then Ghost spent 10 years alone, without any kindness because his brothers were gone. And those old fears he grew up with became ingrained in him once again, made worse by paranoia and depression and anxiety and emerging PTSD.

Ghost understands that Splinter knows something about being othered and shunned despite being human before. What Splinter will never understand is how isolating it is to have grown up fearing everything because it could mean your death.

Ooouuu... I could see it happening to El and maybe Mike, though with Mike it feels like the wrong... vibe. With Spirit, it doesn't happen. His story is different.

GitS definitely. That's some wack-ass mutagen Draxum made.

Spoilers <3

Spoilers <3

Yes yes yup yeah exactly!! This is why Ghost is so paranoid! He grew up for 15 years thinking like this! And then he spent 10 years completely alone, the one time he did actively make extended contact with Yokai at that point was going to Big Mama and he was immediately put in a coliseum! Like!!! AH he's literally never felt safe, anywhere. He's never been safe anywhere.

Kinda makes the fact that he just sleeps out in the open in the lair now feel that much riskier for him.

Lmao I think about that so much, too. Season 4 was the BEST season of 2003, it was the most popular season. It was great. But it got too dark, and when they tried to continue that in Ninja Tribunal, the network went "AH OOPS WELL NO" and it's like. What we could have had.

Spoilers <3

JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF RANDOM PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT UNIVERSES AND GHOST IS LIKE "WHERE ARE YOU ALL COMING FROM" FHGKDHGDG

[insideliascrazyhead]

Yasushi´s and Tsukasa´s dirty little secret

Summary:What exactly is the reason for Yasushi and Tsuaksa to constantly fight?Why are they sneaking around?That´s what the Oya High delinquents get an answer to as they´re invided to Tsukasas place one day,revealing his interesting what he would call roomates and others relatives.

Pairings:Yasushi/Shidaken,Tsukasa/Fujio,Todoroki/Odajima

Warnings:none

Authors note:That´s just an idea my sister and I came up with on with they have such a distaste towards each other but still kinda care. Enjoy<3

The fight against Kidra is nearly a week in the past by now and Oya High´s delinquents are back to normal.At least nearly.It´s unnormally peaceful,because the Yasu-Kiyo faction is currently missing their leaders.Tsukasa said it´s probably Yasushi´s head that makes more trouble then normal.Shidaken was brutal and the fight with Kidra short later didn´t necessarily help the healing process either.He won´t wanna admit weakness or even mortality,Jamuo snorted earlier,so he keeps his distance until he feels up to kick ass again,but Fujio worries as usual.“He´s gonna be doin great,I mean it´s Yasushi.“Tsukasa rolls his eyes.„Also he got Kiyoshi,who is probably crazily overprotective right now anyways.Have you seen him during that fight with Housen?That man was deranged.“Nakaoka calls over towards where they´re seated.“Shouldn´t we at least check on him?Behave like a faction?C´mon!“Fujio pleads,looking expectingly at the other delinquents.Todoroki meanwhile puts his book aside and sighs.Murayama´s words still in his head.“Fine.You heard your leader.“He says and Fujio jumps up excited.“Field trip!“He exclaims as they all under different kinda reactions get up and leave.

Crazily they learn as soon as they reached the Burning District that none of them have any idea where Yasushi and Kiyoshi moved to exactly,after leaving Hope Hill.„C´mon guys!Really?None of yáll know anything whatsoever about Yasushi?Or Kiyoshi?“Fujio states with the typical I´m not angry,I´m dissapointed look.“We´re not exactly the heart to heart conversation kinda group.“ Tsukasa snorts.„He´s not wrong.They don´t speak about themselfes anyways.“Nakagoshi states.„You all know we´re just speaking about their address?Not that heart to heart kinda personal if you ask me.“Fujio scolds,crossing his arms.„Relax man.It´s not like you got the solution either.“ Shibaman defends.„We dumbasses could at least have thought about it earlier,before leaving Oya High.It´s raining like crazy and cold as fuck.“Tsuji points out.

Tsukasa rolls his eyes at their behavior.He knows Yasushi is probably at his boyfriends house which crazily isn´t Kiyoshi,even tho he has no idea who exactly it is either.Sure he doesn´t necessarily like Yasushi,but that information is personal and for him to share only.So he just shuts his mouth about that.Whatever they´re free to do something else now that they are in the burning district anyways and not gonna lie Tsukasa´s to lazy to go back to Oya as they missed the subway.So he offers to go to his apartment because no one will be there anyways,right?Wrong.The others agree with ease,all similar dismotivated because of the storm,so that´s how they land at Tsukasa´s.

When they all head into the living room Tsukasa sneaks a suspicious golden and black jacket as well as a red shirt with floral print behind the nearest furniture as they all get seated probably thinking he tries to sort some regular chaos out.They manage to entertain themselfes and crazily enough have a good time.Tsukasa relaxing the more time passes,thinking their loud chaos would´ve woken up whoever´s at home from a peaceful slumber anyways.That´s where the blonde was mistaken.He should´ve learned years ago that his siblings have no peaceful beauty sleep,no.They sleep like a dead body and a firework going off near their heads wouldn´t wake them.Until now.His younger sibling run down the hall spreading through the apartment to entertain themselfes.„Spreading like a damn disease.“Tsukasa thinks rolling his eyes.Though when the chaos sibling hear a commotion they run into the living room,screaming,hoping for they´re favorite older brother.In a heartbeat Oya is silenced by two little girls,that gotta be under ten and a toddler running in.Stopping dead in their tracks,seeing the newcomers,the oldest stumbling over the little girl that for whatever reason is wearing a princess costume, sending her to the floor.Silence is immidiatly replaced by chaos.The little girl takes a pink baseball bat that´s lying near the sofa and runs after her sister screaming like someone´s being killed.Tsukasa jumps up immidiatly to run after them snatching the weapon.He leans down pointing accusingly at the girl.“That bat´s not for killing your siblings Hikari!Where´d you get that anyways?You know what?Not important go take Neo and have a tea party or something.“He scrunches the bridge of his nose,totally done for today.The others meanwhile break out laughing.

“Man your sister looks like Yasushi!“Nakagoshi snorts as he points towards girl in the princess dress.„No you´re crazy and got to many hits to the head.“Tsukasa shakes his head.“Tsukasa´s an only child tho?“Jamuo raises an eyebrow turning towards him.„Oh?Yeah,they´re my step siblings. My parents seperated years ago,when I was little and my dad and I moved in with his what I learned later,affair.Kinda brings the mood down when I bring it up and it´s whatever.My dad´s working a lot,in a more distant location anyways and is home usually on the weekends.It´s chaos,loud,crazy but not necessarily that bad.“He shruggs hoping dearly for a distraction.

„Tsukasa?Your little sisters playing with electricity.“Todoroki tells him and his heart nearly stops.His head whips around to see little Yuzuha trying to electroduze a doll with starter cables.„Oi!Didn´t your brother tell you to stop electroduzing dolls?!“He screams as he runs over snatching that stuff away from the girl now too. “No.They gotta pay for their sins Tsukasa!Onii-chan encouraged it.He said it´s great that I got creative hobbies and that I shouldn´t listen to a fun sponge!“She pouts.„Where did she get a car battery anyways dude?!“Shibaman asks confused.„Fuck.No.We don´t own a car!“Tsukasa´s nearly histerical by now.“Living room!Out you go.Watch Saw or some similar messed up stuff.“She squeals in excitement and runs towards the Tv,turning on the movie.“Saw?How educational.“Todoroki rolls his eyes sarcastically.„Wanna have the kid electroduze dolls instead?“Nakaoka raises an eyebrow.

The entrance to the apartment get´s thrown open and a woman walks in,wearing clothes you´d wear for a party night out.For the second time that day Oya is silent.Weird what this household does to the delinquents.She heads towards the kitchen snatching some clothing off the drying rag and dissapears just to return two minutes later in a shirt and shorts that belong to Tsukasa´s dad.

She kicks the door to the fridge open,grabing an energy drink and lighting up a cigarette.The woman flinches in pain as she bends her bruised knuckles and sighs.She then takes out a package of frozen pea´s from the freezer cooling her bruised knuckles as Oya exchanges questioning looks.

That´s when they´re joined by anothter teenage delinquent because Yasushi casually comes out of a room down the hall,wearing joggers and a shirt,walking towards the kitchen grabbing an energy drink out of the fridge too.He opens it up and get´s seated on the counter not realizing that he´s got Oya High in the living room.It normally takes him a thousand years and at least two energy drinks to wake up and learn what´s goin on around him.Not even hearing Oya´s whispers as the Todoroki faciton notices him in a heartbeat,waiting how long it takes for the others to notice.Shibaman elbows Tsuji who chuckles.“All we need is popcorn that´s like we´re in a movie theatre.“He snorts.„For a weird ass film man.“Tsuji nodds.

„What food are you making that early in the morning?“Yasushi asks,trying some of the stuff in the tiny bowl with the consistency of pudding,“Kinda tastes weird,not gonna lie.“He grimaces as his mother takes the bowl.“Yeah,cause it´s a face mask.“She snorts and Yasushi dry heaves audibly in disgust taking the nearest dishtowel to clean the remains off his tongue.Taking a sip of his energy drink he get´s the remains down.

„That fight.“Yasushi says as he hints towards her bruised eye and bloody lip.“You won?“He raises an eyebrow taking another sip of his energy drink.“Fuck yeah!I kicked that bastards ass!“She announces and Yasushi laughs.“That´s what I wanna hear!“He exclaims proudly.“That´s sweet of you my little razorblade but there´s totally no way I would´ve lost against that bastard anyways.“She laughs.„My little razorblade what in the Adams family is goin on in this house?“Shibaman asks earning a shrug by Tsuji.„No therapist will belive me that shit.“Todoroki shakes his head,earing questionable looks too.That´s when Yasushi leans against the wall,his eyes land on Tsukasa who is seated on the sofa staring at him like he´s a ghost.The other Oya delinquents realize quickly Tsukasas frozen state and search for the reason.Nakaoka punches Nakagoshi in the shoulder and points towards Yasushi. “Woah!Yasushi?!“Fujio exclaims,jumping up in excitement,then eyeing his mother. “Yasushi!“Scream the two littlest,running towards their older brother excited,hearing the commontion.

„What are you doin in Tsukasa´s house?!Did you break in?“Jamuo squeaks histerically.„Bitch I fucking live here!“Yasushi yells angrily.„Weren´t you at your brain damadging boyfriends house?“Tsukasa rolls his eyes.„Untwist your panties,he´s sleeping in my room.“Yasushi poits towards his room.

„You two are related?!“Fujio asks shocked. „Kinda.“The two answer at the same time. „I got a thousand questions!“Tsuji exclaims excited. „Number 1,is your room a torture chamber?“Shibaman teases raising an eyebrow.„Or is your lamp is the head of your last victim?“Jamuo fears,moving closer towards Fujio and Tsukasa as the woman breaks out in laughter.„Whatever man.“Yasushi grumbles.

„Oi!You two.“He points towards Hikari and Neo.“Go and have your tea party in your room.“And in a heartbeat they do as they´re told.„You didn´t go to school?“He asks Yuzuha that plays with her pink baseball bat,toothfairy written on it.„Nope.You said I gotta hit the mean girl and I made her swallow a tooth!“She explains proudly and Yasushi snorts,composing himself as he sees Tsuaksa´s death glare.“No I didn´t.“He tries so desperatly not to laugh. “You totally did!You and Kenny came home from a fight and you stiched up his head when I told you about the mean girl that called me a lunatic and that I need to be in a looney bin!You got angry that you can´t kick a kid and said that when I see that advertisment for abortion again I gotta kick her ass and I don´t stop until a teacher pulls me off!“She explains eagerly.Nah fuck itYasushi thinks as he breaks out laughing so hard he bends over.„Yeah they´re so related.“Fujio snorts.“Those genes probably spread like a disease dude.“Nakaoka laughs.“So what did the teacher say?“ Tsukasa asks.“I´m a threat and menace to society just like Onii-chan!“She exclaims proudly.„So damn proud.“Yasushi says,placing a hand over his heart dramatically.“That´s why your loved Onii-chan is now in a school for delinquents and not the brightest crayon in the box,sweety.No more playing liquor store robbery with Yasushi.“The woman tells Yuzuha.

„I wouldn´t look at her like that,that´s not one of his sisters!“ Tsukasa whisper yells towards a frozen Fujio.„Then who?Woah!It´s his mother?!“He screams shocked.„Nah,she looks too young to be his mom man.“Nakagoshi shakes his head.„She´s 33 years old.“Tsukasa snorts.„That´s soo ancient!“Yasushi exclaims dramatically„Oi you puberty pensionier!Shut your cakehole!You´re nearly as old as me!“She hits him over the head and stops dead in her tracks as Yasushi flinches a lot more then normal,grimacing in pain.Yasushi learns quick about his mistake but not quick enough to move away as his mom shoves some of the hair,covering his head wound aside.

„What the fuck happened to your head?!“She raises an eyebrow at him.Yasushi rolls his eyes dramatically.Not answering her question.“Where´s Kiyoshi?“She asks instead.“At home.“He explains shortly.She walks towards the nearest wall,hitting against it with her fist.“Oi Kiyoshi!Get your ass here!Two minutes or I get a bucket of ice water.“She screams and it´s followed by a loud thud in what´s apparently Kiyoshi´s apartment.They break out in chuckles as they hear Kiyoshi curse and swear but eventually turn up.

“Two words.Yasushi´s head.Now speak.“She says leaning against the counter,crossing her arms and Yasushi would love to dissapear right there out of emberassment.„He got attacked by drugdealing crackheads with a leadpipe.“Kiyoshi rushes out under his breath.Yasushi hits him over the head,so Kiyoshi elbows him in the ribs.“What damadge?The usual?“She sighs heavily,massaging her temples and Yasushi nodds eagerly.“Yeah,the usual.Nothing special.“He answers with a innocent smile.„Kiyoshi?“His mother raises an eyebrow and Kiyoshi breaks.Weakling.“Nothing special my ass.Night in the hospital cause he was unconcious.Four stiches.Left early,got his ass kicked again.That dickhead opened the stiches.I brought him to the emergency room.He´s good now.“Kiyoshi explains earning a death glare from Yasushi,as he steps back,creating a bit more distance towards Yasushi who´s now angry at him for ratting him out.“I´m gone for two days and you get a lobotomy from some crackhead with a weapon?!You we´re in a sketchy alley on your own again.Weren´t you?You can be able to kick ass all you want and it won´t be any kinda use if you end up with a knife between your ribs or a brain bleed.You know that!Cause that´s what I´m trying to teach you to not get yourself killed.I hope whoever did that is dead now and you at least kicked their ass.“She rants angrily.

„Relax.We kicked their ass.“Shidaken´s voice comes from down the hall as their heads snap fast enough for whiplash.When his eyes land on Oya High he turns towards the room again.“Oh hell nah!“He exclaims making his way back.“Hey!Nope!Not gonna work,Sweetheart you´re joining this party.“Yasushi´s mother exclaims.“Housen´s Shidaken?“Todoroki smirks amused.“No?Clean your glasses.“Yasushi snaps as Todoroki takes out his phone texting Odajima,having won ten bucks.„Wasn´t he the one opening your head wound again in the first place?“Nakaoka asks and Shidaken steps behind Yasushi eyeing his mother,making Tsukasa and Fujio chuckle.„So what?We did kinda fu...“He looks at his sister looking at him innocently.“Fully on dated earlier.“He finishes.“Great save.“Kiyoshi chuckles.“Fuck yeah!“Yasushi exclaims happily.

„So he opened up the stiches on your head?“His mother raises an eyebrow.“That´s not that bad.“He shruggs.“Dickhead called me injured tho!“Yasushi grumbles offended.“Because you are!“Shidaken,Fujio and Kiyoshi exclaim at the same time.“You also told me exactly where to hit you.On your injury.“Shidaken chuckles and Yasushi rolls his eyes,trying not to smile.

„That dumbass behavior comes not from me.That´s gotta be your dad´s.That ain´t from me!“His mother defends trying not to laugh.“He can blame his own dick for that one oh yeah and you,cause I´m not able to concieve myself.“Yasushi snorts and his mother breaks out in laughter.„You can tell him that if you ever find his ass and hey you can tell him then that he ows me eighteen years of child support too,that cheap bastard.“She says and Yasushi rolls his eyes,long used to his mothers behavior.“So what?No shoveltalk for that one?“Kiyoshi asks grumpily pointing towards Shidaken.“Hell nah.Good luck,you will need it with that one.“She says simply.Yasushi just laughs throwing himself onto the couch,joined by Kiyoshi and after a threat to come and get him,by Shidaken too.„Maybe she´s not necessarily that bad.“Tsukasa sighs.„What?“Yasushi asks teasingly.„I´m not repeating myself.“Tsukasa grumbles.

[rrat-king]

BIRD!2!3!2! truly am obsessed with how you think about trackerbees gnawing at all the headcannons!!!!!! yes they breakup!! yes they are each other’s person!! yes they can be dysfunctional but still be there when it’s important and matters!!!!!

and i totally agree on the kink thing like i actually think kristen would find the whole being loved so deeply more important than sexual stuff i think that’s just the energy younger ppl have when they don’t know it all yet but i think she would come around and be like both are good!! would prefer the absolute like tearing down walls of allowing herself to be loved

they both scream casual intimacy in such an incredible way that it’s what makes me obsessed like that fiercely loving each other. incredible.

the way kristen dies multiple times but death only truly shakes her when tracker is threatened to be killed like ohhhhhh. oh. finding your person who knows you when you don’t know how to find yourself since you’ve constantly been given a mantle. someone who sees past you being this saint and sees you as human and takes you in their arms.

and in the reverse tracker having someone fight for her!!!! she’s always had jawbone they’ve had each other forever especially in terms of family and especially lycanthropy but having someone closer to her age and making her feel so deeply valued. her being worried abt not going on their trip because kristen didn’t want her there, fearing about being left behind and kristen never wanting to leave herself or lose her.

general themes of them refusing to abandon one another makes me feel very unnormal.

there is truly a devastating lack of deep exploration of their complications. especially when people think about them breaking up they tend to make one or the other a villain but they aren’t doing anything malicious!! like so many of their faults come from them wanting to care so much they forget about themselves.

like yeah kristen withholding information because she was scared to discuss conflict and lose her. having her family never talk about the ‘bad’ just avoiding it. parallels to tracker full on taking part in kristen’s church to stay close and feel helpful. offering to stay there if she didn’t go on the trip- going as far to neglect her own religion

sorry for the word vomit but your mind influences me greatly <3

literally never apologize for this becuase yes you understand exactly what im trying to say and god you word it better than i ever could!! they are complicated and weird but also! they are just kids! they make mistakes and weird choices but its not just one persons fault. also. the thing about death is so real and true and i adore you mind and the way you think about things just. anon beloved

[drewtanakagf]

ask game: 7, 16, 23 (I wanted to do more but I don't wanna overwhelm you)

pls overwhelm me 🙌🏾

by the bootstraps: I'm choosing a piece that I was going to do for rare pair week HOWEVER! it did not end up happening. Premise: AU, cal/kilorn but make it the vibes of brokeback mt. I have also never seen brokeback mt so....

SEX SYMBOL: this one is a drachel fic that kinda follows up on teen-pics but in their lives as adults and navigating being the object (Drew as a model) and the voyeur (Rachel, an artist). And exploring the intersectionality of their identities. Also post-canon bc if I let go of Silena in Drew's narrative, that author is an imposter fr. Anyhow, thank you gender and film course for once again informing my writing fr 🙌🏾

7. What are the main emotions of this WIP?

[BTB] Transient, being lost and untethered. But also oogabooga his hands [Insert the "he wants those cookies so bad" meme]

[Symbol] Loss of control, simmering anger, hopelessness (damn these stories are sad man..... ) and hopefully triumph the end. Depends.

16. What do you find frustrating about this WIP?

[BTB] I Should Watch The Source Material 😁 but I don't rly want to make a brokeback mt remake just adopt the vibes. Ang Lee is a wonderful director fr.

Also romance is not my forte.... give me two fucked up characters and I'll make it work but Cal and Kilorn are a bit too #normalcore. They obv have their idiosyncrasies and can be very Unnormal but compared to mareven 🤷🏾‍♀️..... anyways.

As an aside idek why i was like cal/kilorn. But like... yeah. I can get behind that a bit.

[Symbol] The drachel dynamic is coming to me so slowly... I write a paragraph and them I stare blankly at it and I'm like "she would not fucking say that." But also exploring Drew's vulnerability while still being authentic to her, while still dismantling the misogyny that guides her character. Like I want her to be better sooooo badly but she's like "omg all this progress! Let's take ten steps back 🫶🏾" so yeah. Fun!

23. How would you describe your writing style?

Caffinated. All or nothing. Nah but fr, I think its fast paced, but does like to sit in the little moments. I am a present tense truther, 3 person limited sometimes and 3 person omniscient some more i think.

[thequietkid-moonie]

MOOONIEE!!! 🥺

i just read the newest "a condition called love" volume (to prepare for for the saki & hotaru poly request i received from you <3) and i—

i'm so unnormal about the last cliffhanger! i know you're not there yet, but know i have two scenes that i can't wait to hear your reaction about!!! >.<

also, the chapters were so fitting to the request you sent, as it really doubled down on how much saki only focuses on one person in his life. but now i'm gonna write the poly headcanons and give him another partner and see how he handles that hehe <3

Waaaahhh thats sound so cool and exciting!!! Waaaahhh I want to read moreeeee!!!

Haha, right now i think im finally like 15 chapters before catching up (or at least with the chapter available in the page I found! It has until chapter 49 I think)

Im currently after Hotaru met Saki's father and the festival were Yako helped Hotaru and even almost confesed waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh my heart almost stop at that moment!!!

I'll make sure to tell you whenever i found more exciting scenes !!!

Also, when Hotaru met Saki's ex was quite funny the warning she gave to her hahaha I was like but thats the normal silly Saki hahaha

Also, thanks for taking my request, hope you have fun writing it because i always love everything you write ❤️

[our-reality]

HI this a blog cataloging my thoughts and rants regarding my oc story our reality <3 none of it is coherent but its fine

i have 7 "main characters" that i describe in detail in this post, as well as this one, and they all have their own individual tags (which will be put under the cut) you can look through :-)

uh everything on this blog is subject to change ESPECIALLY the old stuff from like. 2021 lol. if you want my current thoughts on any topic just send them in an ask!!

everything on my blog is ask to tag!!! i try to tag some of the more common triggers on the post they appear on, but if i forget/don't tag a trigger of yours, feel free to tell me!!!!

not everyone has reference photos rn BUT I WILL MAKE THEM EVENTUALLY I SWEAR!!! also just generally i do draw and rbs are always appreciated :D FANART IS ALSO APPRECIATED IF YOU DRAW THEM I WILL BE SO UNNORMAL FOREVER /POS

thats kinda it <3 enjoy ur stay hehe

^ blinkie made by me btw. so obsessed with that quote

TAG NAVIGATION:

(note: some tags have no content in them and are just there to keep track of character names but i'll add those when they receive content ^_^)

character tags: #ruby, #java, #jaby (ruby/java relationshipposting), #python, #swift, #c+, #vysel, #requiem, #the kitamuras, #ivyn, #natsuo, #raine, #akira, #paul, #eve, #victor, #jamie, #castor, #vinett, #archer, #ivory, #maggie, #lilliana, #thrill, #xeric, #baylin, #orion, #danni, #irivolmn, #ravager, #lyvarine, #takari, #genesis, #untagged (for characters without names)

plot tags: #plot tag (main story), #plot 2 tag (nameless side story)

location tags: #earth, #skylight, #purity's garden, #penumbra theater, #overgaard

concept tags: #worldbuilding, #inspo

magic tags: #averagism, #wildinism, #eletism, #sparticionism, #audicism, #polyplainism, #foutenism

other: #me tag, #art tag, #fanart tag, #au tag, #redeemed!vysel (tag for a specific au version of vysel)

[faehrys]

dtk are so.... i want to say funny but like i dont mean Funny funny, but the way they have these friendships, and fans have gravitated mostly towards dnf and karlnap in an /r sense, and they’re just like Yknow what? thats kinda cool thats kinda epic maybe u actually are my favourite person thank u fans for allowing me to see this

no they fully embrace it when they get shipped and i respect that so much i don’t know any other famous people who are this unnormal about shipping they’re like oh you want us to be together? np we’ll give you selfies and make romantic jokes on stream about kissing and we’ll cuddle and talk about getting married until you’re sick of it <3