#they make me sick. i hate gay people. happy pride.

[goalies]

gay people. on my screen.

[nite-puff]

Hey hey your idea about Daiya being a closeted animator making the queerest character he could with Mondo sent me down a mental rabbit hole (pun unintentioned haha). It made me think of Andreas Deja, gay Disney animator who did and still does a lot of stuff for the company, but one of the things he's most famous for is for being the supervising animator on the queer-coded villain trifecta of Gaston, Jafar, and Scar. That made me think about Mondo in the context of the AU and how Ishimondo in canon has that sort of enemies-to-lovers thing going on. So, thought..... what if Mondo was never made to be Kiyotaka's love interest at all, but his queer-coded antagonist? And offscreen the queer-coding that was baked into him for a gag (or at least with the excuse that it's a gag) blossomed into something deeper with his cartoon co-star?

THATS SUCH A GOOD IDEA WHAT????

maybe they had something that was overall very similar to the ishimondo story, where their pre-determined roles as a protagonist and antagonist kinda affected how they viewed each other off set as well. because that’s how they just are outside of their cartoons as well. they were literally made to hate each other. but push comes to shove and they end up in a situation where they’re pretty much forced to spend time with each other and learn about each other beyond their roles as hero and villain. and the result of that was a cute friendship. which quickly developed into something more.

also. their relationship progressing like this really affected how they performed in their cartoons. they can’t even pretend to hate each other anymore because that’s not how they feel. it’s mondo and taka, what’re ya gonna do??

eventually the studio gets sick of it and has to make the decision to separate them, at least on set. they can’t just let go of their star, so they’re forced to fire mondo and replace him with a new antagonist. which is how mondo ends up performing in night clubs and such. his iconography is bound to attract a lot of patrons, to say the least.

all in all, mondo and taka’s love story is one the film world has never seen before. there’s never been a toon couple that wasn’t previously written to be together, let alone a hero and a villain falling in love off set. it’s a rare occurrence, to say the least, but mondo and taka wouldn’t have it any other way.

(also mondo being a villain and him also being queer-coded during a time where i believe the hays code was in full effect was definitely a big contributor to why so many people found it easy to believe mondo was cheating on taka right??? i mean, if we’re going in the direction of the original movie…)

anyways, happy pride month to them.

[pseudophan]

TW for discussion of homophobia.

Hi, Nora! In the spirit of pride month I want to tell the story about how becoming a demon phannie has deprogrammed my bigotry when I was a teen.

I grew up with homophobia being the norm amongst the kids. In my country it was quite precise though, a bit different from what Dan described in BIG. We didn't use "gay" as a synonym for "bad". Boys wouldn't be called gay for crying or liking theater or just being well-behaved. Not in my school at least.

No, there was a clear-cut definition that gays were only the boys who liked boys. But if you fit that definition, if someone knew you fit that definition, then god help you. You would be constantly mocked, bullied and beat up at school. The headmaster would call your parents and tell them to fix their broken little pervert. Your parents reaction could fall anywhere from a stern talk and calling you a disgrace to a beating and sending you to a military type boarding school. Treating a teen this way was perceived as completely normal. Nowadays the kids have thankfully become way more accepting despite our governments best efforts. But now you can also add a visit to the police station to the pile.

Sapphics just didn't exist, as always. That's why when I told my friends "I genuinely think boobs are more attractive than dicks - they are more esthetically pleasing to look at" the only reaction I got was confused laughter and strange looks. No, I did not realize what that said about me back then. It was just foreshadowing.

I remember my parents occasionally saying that it's a sickness and shouldn't be allowed to be demonstrated in any way. Peppering it with the usual "they can do whatever they want behind closed doors". And if people got beat up on the streets for being gay...well they just brought that on themselves by flaunting their sexuality, didn't they?

I lived with that worldview until I was 15 or 16.

Then I started finding out that some famous people were gay. But it only got me to the point of "I like his art, so I won't stop consuming it, despite him being gay". In my mind if you were gay and wanted people to tolerate your existence, you had to be talented in order to justify it. And have the decency to not act gay in public. Yeah, I know, bare with me.

When I found Dan's channel in 2015 I instantly fell in love with his videos. Soon I also started watching Phil and then the gaming channel.

My gaydar was non-existent at the time and, ironically, I was conditioned into thinking that gay people just like to announce that they're gay to everyone. So, since Dan and Phil never did, I just took their word for it. For almost a year I just enjoyed watching their content without a second thought.

Then one day I saw the compilations. The radio show clips. The old videos. That was all it took really. My brain couldn't compute, couldn't connect the "sick perversion" I heard so much about to what I was seeing on my screen. It wasn't unnatural, or disgusting or deliberately demonstrative.  It was fucking beautiful. They simply couldn't help being extremely adorable.

Starting from that day the thought "keep it to yourselves" never occurred to me. I just wanted to be a fly on the wall.

I never dared to write fanfiction or make compilations or, god forbid, directly ask one of them in a qna. I was happy to just lurk and snort that yaoi cocaine in silence.

In hindsight, Dan and Phil were the reason I didn't instantly hate myself after having the first crush on a girl and realizing I was bi in 2018.

Later I got into breadtube and realized just how insane and baseless all those conservative talking points were. But DnP were the sole reason I left that eco-chamber in the first place.

So thank you to Dan and Phil and thank you to all fellow demons 💜

fujoshi-ism saves lives is the thing

no but isn't it odd the way things work out.. the fact that dan and phil were able to help you like that is amazing, and also it's very funny that they did it through the power of rpf

[scribble-brain-aced]

for pride month, i have:

a list of how the hazbin hotel had their gay awakening. (or lesbian, or bi, or trans, or aroace, pan, etc)

Charlie: she watched Sleeping Beauty, the year after it came out. she looked at Snow White and thought “wow, she’s so pretty.. but also Price Florian.. wait.” because this was in 1938, she didn’t know what bisexuality was, but she knew and accepted her feelings, because it wasn’t a big deal to her. in the 1970s, she found the label for it— bisexuality— and thought “OH THERE’S A NAME FOR THIS, YAY!” and that was that.

Vaggie: when she was still alive, in 2010, a friend sent her a photo of a genderbent character from some TV show, and her first thought was “oh, okay, i see why everyone’s in love with them now. …wait.” she spent the next 20 minutes looking up female versions of characters and realizing “oh. OH THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH” (based on my own story)

Angel: honestly, he can’t really say. he just kinda knew from the beginning that men were just hot, and he’d marry a guy if he could. molly just assumed he meant “yeah, men are just better than women” and went along with it, even though she personally thought both were radiantly beautiful. (she found out what pansexual meant in 1972.)

Husk: he has no idea. if asked, he just shrugs and goes “any hole is a goal, i couldn’t care less.” at one point, Angel just shoved a poster at him, Husk read it and was like “oh. i guess that’s me.” pretty chill reaction, just continued his normal day, but kept thinking “okay, wow, that’s ME.”

Sir Pentious: he just thought all people liked both men and women, but because of societal rules and whatever, they had to wait until they had a crush on the opposite gender. ..what do you mean thats not what being straight is. (he only found out what bisexuality was after he came to the Hotel and Charlie had a bi flag pin. he asked her what country that was, and she had to sit him down to explain the concept of LGBTQ+, and no, it is ABSOLUTELY NOT a mental illness, wtf, you’re fine, buddy, go be happy.)

Alastor: post-season 1, like three people separately wished him a happy asexual awareness week and he was so confused, he asked Angel to look up ‘a sexual’ on his phone because he couldn’t find anything at the library. (he was looking at the outdated library in cannibal town.) he read the definition, and locked himself in his room for the rest of the day. if anybody heard muffled screaming and somehow-happy-sounding swearing, nobody mentioned it.

Vox: pfft, what? no, he’s not gay! he’s perfectly straight! is it gay to say that men are just as good at women? …Val, what do you MEAN ‘no but yes’? (Valentino explained the entire history of LGBTQ+, stressing bisexuality. Vox just said “okay, okay, hear me out.. there’s a whole month for them, right? their whole thing is rainbows? what if we paint all of our logos rainbow-colored? they’d buy it!” Valentino gave up, because Vox just COULD NOT comprehend what he was trying to say. but he keeps sending bisexual memes to Vox.)

Valentino: he just always knew. come on, everyone’s hot, unless they aren’t. even better if they can be exploited. that’s all there is to it.

Velvette: pfft, she grew up with social media, she’s known about this shit since she was a kid. fuck love, fuck fucking, she’d rather pester Vox into making cheesy garlic bread. the guy’s a bitch, but he makes good cheesy garlic bread.

Baxter: back before he and sir pentious became bitter enemies, they were both talking about.. whatever. at one point, they got on the topic of clothing, and Baxter— then Bella— griped that he hated how dresses felt. too heavy, too annoying, and it made him feel sick, anyway. suits were just better, not just because they’re lighter. man, he wished he were a boy. pentious asked if he wanted to be a boy in general, not just for the suits, and after a moment, Baxter excused himself quickly to go find something in his library, shooing Pentious out of the house. a couple days later, he came out, transitioned, all that. the only reason he doesn’t cut off his light-lure thingy is because it’s useful. other than that, he avoids looking at it as much as possible.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Being a lesbian, for me, is just getting motion sickness from constantly swinging between all of these:

- hehehehehehe women are HOT

- why can’t I be straight. Why can I never experience what love with a man will be like. To never relate to most of the world

- the love between two women can be so beautiful

- oh no misused lesbian abuse statistics, am I an inherently bad person for being a lesbian? Is my love forever doomed ?

- being a lesbian is so boring and mundane and that’s beautiful

- I LOVE BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!!

- I have such a unique and wonderful culture

- BOOBS PUSSY BOOBS PUSSY!!!!!!

- why do I feel so lonely and broken

- holding her hand feels so right

- I wish I was a gay man

- I wish I was straight woman

- I wish I could be attracted to men. Being only attracted to women is so lonely

- why so many people hate me for being a lesbian. Why is my personhood treated this way no matter where I go

- maybe I can’t tell this person. But I want to

- I have so much pride in myself today!! Im so blessed to be a lesbian

- im so angry at every person who has ever said anything against lesbians. I have so much pent up rage !!!! Lesbians are sacred !!!!

- why did I have to be born this way ?

- maybe I’m lying about the whole thing and I’m just confused. Maybe I’ve tricked myself

- is this my life forever?

- talking to her makes me so happy

- why was I born this way ?

[magxit]

Taylor is NOT wallowing in sadness over Joe.

Taylor is NOT hiding because she’s ashamed of how everything happened with Matty.

She is PISSED at fans. Pissed at the world. Fed up of the insanity of the fans.

Either they’re waiting hours on end and tracking / sharing her location, chasing her car or waiting outside her house or they’re ripping her apart and trying to control her life.

This woman LITERALLY wrote songs like Tolerate It, You’re Losing Me and Bejeweled about being stuffed in a basement, about not being allowed to be her and shine and about being her most authentic self and used those songs to describe how it felt to be treated like that. Like her thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Like she doesn’t matter. Like she isn’t good enough. Only for her to find someone who loves her the way she BEGGED Joe to do and share that joy with her fans by saying she’s the happiest she’s ever been only to have those fans completely invalidate her and her feelings and attack her all because of herd mentality and the inability to actually practice skills that involve research or media literacy.

Look at that People article - and people generally supplied by Tree.

"He likes to provoke a response out of people. She's a grown woman more than capable of forming her own opinions about people," the insider adds. "No one forces her into anything, especially not these days. She's on top of the world."

If her fans can’t tell how pissed she is at them with that statement then they’re just ignorant.

When was the last time she “hid”? 2016 and it was because of media backlash and hate from unreliable sources. This time it’s worse because it’s her fans. She literally told them she was the happiest she had ever been and they kept the attack on. Not just on her but on people she loved.

I mean death threats to Matty and his family? Death threats to fans who didn’t support the hatred? The blatant ignoring of any POC or Jewish fan that was trying to explain that it was misinformation twisted by the media and to do their own research - which baffles me because you have these fans hell bent on being total asses to people they think they have the right to control and use the narrative of Taylor not caring about her marginalized fans all while doing exactly that - bullying, ignoring and trying to silence those same marginalized fans because they don’t fit a narrative that is being pushed.

The best being a well known POC tiktoker being called a white supremacist and racist because they were explaining media literacy and explaining the whole situation with a level head that did research.

And the times she has done anything to make a difference or make a statement has been ripped apart. Like her pride statement. That was trashed. Completely. Fans were disgusting over it. She donates to food banks in every location she performs at - that’s rarely mentioned at all. She donates bus loads to foundations and charities that help marginalized fans and sick individuals and no one breaths about it.

All while ignoring the fact that Matty has been a more vocal and active activist in his career then Taylor ever has. (I love Taylor but this isn’t something to argue) all the way from the abortion ban, trump, women’s rights, gay and trans rights, violence etc.

So no. She is NOT wallowing away in sadness because of joy.

Believe it or not - You’re Losing Me was very much a “I’m done” type of song and when you have experienced what she did and you finally hit the point of walking away then it’s been over for months or years and you’d never go back to them. Ever. The breakup brings you peace. Even if you miss them you still find the happiness in life but wallowing isn’t something you do.

And she knows the truth behind who Matty really is. So she’s not hiding in shame.

The fact that the fans who did this to her are completely unable to actually take responsibility for their choices and claim she is wallowing or embarrassed… that’s disgusting.

It’s them. They’re the problem.

And before anyone comes from me - not a the 1975 fan. Big Taylor fan though.

.

[toasterpiastris]

happy pride ??? find a doctor, you're sick

my dude I can’t tell if you hate gay people or if you couldn’t tell I was making an ironic joke about two drivers with undisclosed sexuality. if it’s the first one…um maybe block me honey? also hating people is very cringe so don’t do that. if it’s the second one, I was joking babes.

[imzsuzsis-blog]

"You weren't lucky today, even though I gave it my all."

Loki look at this.”

,,What?"

"I see, I'll have to look for new pants when we get home."

"And t-shirts and tops as I see you, my dear."

"It's good, but now he thinks he can't go among people."

We caressed each other's faces, but I can't go out among people without unhappy pants now, it's bad.

"Son, why are you standing there in a pair of boxers?"

"Dad, if not a thousand times, I've only told you a couple of times that I'm pregnant and now my pants don't come on."

I lowered my head and would have closed the door on him, but someone stopped me.

"Lando, we have to talk about several but complex things now."

Zak was that girl, I told him last night at dinner and that I'm gay, and I'm an intersex and transgender male.

"Yes, so that we don't discuss the whole thing, although the Ferrari baseball cap looks very good on you."

I got my Warmer, but I had a lot of trouble with the pants part.

,,Come up now!”

I was walking around with a worried face, because this bastard didn't come up to me at all, when he came up to me I thought he was going to eat dinner.

"I'm coming, only this crap didn't come to me, I hate it!!!!"

I groaned and ran after him, when I reached him he was waiting inside the motorhome and sat down with me.

,,Married?"

"Well, I wasn't accurate yesterday, yes, everything is true and I have a boyfriend, his name is Loki. Yes, I missed a few major parts, I'm pregnant, but not from him... This is a slipped pregnancy, I didn't plan it that way either, but if I'm the one, I can do it and we can raise him, that's not a question for me."

I lowered my head and then slowly got up and went into my small room, grabbed my toiletries and went to the bathroom.

"Fuck Lando, let me in, it's not just yours!!!!"

"Osc, it's almost five minutes."

I was just fiddling with the eyelash curler when he opened it for me.

"Fuck you 81 king."

I groaned again and quickly applied my promotional face cream to it in my anger.

"Lando, would you calm me down, and Father, this face cream is more expensive than your salary, where is it from?"

I was getting more and more nervous and almost hit his head on the tap, but I didn't do it, I remained silent.

"I got it from the company to say good things about it and I only have it for testing purposes. So far, my blackheads and acne have decreased."

"You could have asked for a new mobile phone."

,,Idiot…"

"I'm an idiot, then you're an ass-shaking whore, Lando!!!!"

I closed the toilet door and tore the mouth contour pencil out of his paws.

,.Ass shaking whore???? Are you in your right mind???? Damn face, we've been friends for years, but you've never been like this, it's sick!!!!"

He tore it back from me and continued angrily with a red lipstick.

,,Red lipstick??? Oh my goodness, my teammate is hotter than the sun, the prider could go as well, he just lacks his outfit."

He turned and showed me his middle finger.

"Come on, this year I'm not preparing for London Pride or Bristol, because I'm not and that's it."

"Put on your make-up and I'll go with you."

I stood confidently in front of him and I didn't even know which brush I was using with my knowledge, so Lily would either brush me off or give me a kiss.

"This is nonsense, yes, I was there last year in New York, but now I don't even know, this calendar has become so crowded."

He sat on the edge of the tap and shook his head with crossed legs and upper arms.

"There's nothing wrong with that, I'm happy to try it out, it all excites me too."

He got down from there, slowly wrapped his arms around the back of my neck, and when we kissed again, our eyes met, our foreheads touched, our noses and mouths came even closer to each other...

"Lando, Oscar, we have to go, there's going to be a celebration."

,,No Osc..”

,,About the almost kiss? Yes, I will."

"Nice Lando..."

"Thanks Charles, see you at home."

"Tomorrow padel?"

"Of course, of course Max."

I smiled dramatically at them but I ran Oscar, I don't know what to do but they were waiting for us somewhere.

,,Surprise!!!!"

"Oh thanks."

I sat down among them, surprised, I didn't even know it.

"Lando, you don't need to dramatize this too much, you're pregnant right now, aren't you? Don't make it a cabinet question."

"I mean, I won't, but the media will."

I pulled my knees in front of me so that my growing belly wouldn't show so much, because if it did, the matter would be revealed.

"One, two... Lando is pregnant!!!!!"

Everyone among the photographers froze, but the team laughed and I knew only in agony.

"One more one, two three... Lando is gay!!!!"

Those certain flashes clicked even better and the burden was not that it was easier on me, it was not a little bit heavier because of the stupid jokes, I was now in the headlines.

"Damn it, it's not funny, it's shit, even pointless."

When I said these things, they poured champagne on my neck to spoil my mood even more.

"That's silly."

,,Ah, our gay said that it was stupid. 100 euros for the chefs!”

,,Are you betting that I'm saying it's crap? You are fools!!!"

I looked at them with my makeup gone and bit my lip angrily, what they did was really stupid.

"My fucking makeup ran!!!"

"Are we angry?"

,,Rot in hell, all of you!!!"

I stood up and walked away.

"You look very silly."

"Thanks Ollie."

,,Tea?"

I started to smile, it was fine with anyone.

"Thanks for the offer, a tea to calm the nerves would be nice with anyone."

He smiled at him and hugged him from behind.

"Khhhm!!!"

"Loki?"

"Is he almost a kiss now?"

He drummed with his foot, I saw that I pulled him up, you have to explain this thing.

"Good, good, it's just a tea with the father of my fetus, the other one... Yes, there was almost a kiss between me and Osc... But, yes, we've already kissed twice, but I'm not thinking of conquering him with just a kiss, because he has a girlfriend."

He came to me and pressed my lips, I knew it was bad, my bad mood will get even worse. He showed me to stretch out my palm with the ring on it. I thought he was going to break up with me, but he didn't kiss me, then our fingers touched, then our palms turned into a fist, and he kissed me back, and our forearms touched.

"I will never throw you away."

,,I'm not for you."

Our lips met again and we said softly to each other that I love you.

[cq-studios]

I hate this notion there is that asexual and aromatic (and all Aspec people, for that matter) are not discriminated against. Especially in queer circles that should be a safe space.

Like sure maybe our identities are easier make it easier to fake straightness (not really any more than bi/pan people, and is that even good for us, emotionally?), maybe our issues aren’t systemic (not really, considering the prevalence of Amatonormativity and how deeply it is rooted in the way said systems were made), maybe people are more willing to accept us (not really, we’re treated as wrong, broken, needed to be fixed just as often if not more, even in places we should feel safe).

Tell me how my grandfather, who I love very dearly, asking me to lie to him when he’s on his death bed, and tell him I am dating some nice boy to make him happy, isn’t hurtful, isn’t discrimination.

Tell me how my (queer) friends all infantilizing me after coming out, treating me like I was too pure to hear anything sexual, not saying things around me that didn’t bother me before I came out and would’ve continued not to after, isn’t discrimination.

Tell me how me explaining my identity to people and getting pitying looks, at best, and active denials of existence, at worst, isn’t discrimination.

Tell me how me headcannoning a character as Asexual or Aromantic, or ‘shipping’ two characters queer platonically and immediately getting shut down (mostly by other queer people saying they’re gay), isn’t discrimination.

TELL ME HOW ME NEVER SEEING ASEXUALITY OR AROMANTISM EVEN MENTIONED IN PRIDE DOCUMENTARIES ISN’T DISCRIMINATION

Maybe our issues are all social (not really) but that doesn’t make our struggle nothing. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve support. That doesn’t mean our stories are less deserving of being told. That doesn’t mean we aren’t a part of your community.

I’m sick and tired of people pretending we don’t exist. Pretending we’re not deserving of the same attention, representation, and respect as other members of the community.

Neglect is still abuse. 1% is still a number. We’re here and we’re queer too.

Stand with us. Yell with us. Help us make ourselves known. Help us spread our message.

Because, god, I am so sick and tired of being ignored.

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

Can I go on a bit of a rant here?

I’ve heard other people talk about this but I think about it a lot so I figured I’d join the discussion. I’m a gay trans man who came out as gay only a year or 2 ago but I’ve dated a few men. Feel free to add your 2 cents if you’re also gay or just male loving. Any homophobia and/or hate will be deleted and blocked. Now here’s my rant lol

-

I have really bad internalized homophobia

like I keep thinking I’d be better as a cis lesbian or at least as a straight guy

like, why can’t I just be a normal dude and like girls? Why did I have to like guys?

Everybody says girls are better and guys are trash. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I don’t feel that way for girls

I’m proud of my identity, don’t get me wrong. But, still.

I know the joke “men are trash, I feel bad for you.” It’s funny and I make those jokes too, but that can really fuck up me and some others

it makes me feel like I should be ashamed of liking them and setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak. It feels like it would be easier to just date a girl and not get my heart broken, even if I’m not happy. it’s not that I feel like I’m a freak and feel like I have to change my identity or again but sometimes I think I should have stayed a straight girl and not stand out so much, as miserable as that was. I don’t feel like I’m disgusting or anything, I just feel like I shouldn’t like guys and have to pretend I don’t sometimes.

“Women are goddesses and men are trash” is all I ever hear. I feel like I’m sick, sick for feeling that for men and not women. i understand the men are trash joke, but eventually it stops being funny and starts being hurtful.

i just wish I was more “normal” sometimes. Everyone would be happier if I just married a woman because if I’m a man that’s more “normal”.

I’ve dated guys but mostly girls flirt with me. Maybe life would be easier if I had a girlfriend and didn’t constantly chase men that don’t want me. I’m pretty confident I don’t like women and I love men, but sometimes my mommy issues and internalized misogyny get in my head and tell me I should like women

I mean I know the whole point of being queer is that we’re not normal and fit outside the box. I’m proud of being queer, I really am. Just sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Same thing with being trans, I wish I was a cis guy and don’t have to fight for my identity so much. Espically in todays world

-

I wrote this awhile ago and don’t really feel like this anymore but… I still have a feeling that I like women but I think that’s more because i feel like I have to than I actually do

I think that’s a bit too much ranting for me but let me know what you all think. I may or may not revise this at a later date but I feel like since it’s pride month it’s perfect time to open discussion to topics like this. Any mlm or nblm feel free to add your thoughts to this.

love you all, thanks for reading my madness haha

[otter1962crystalball]

Fake me vs. Real Me / Old Me vs. New Me / and more...

June 26th, 2024

Happy 26th day of Pride, everyone. I’ve written quit a bit about my life experiences in the past 25 entries of my blog. The road from what I used to be to what I am now has been long and often confusing for me. There are a lot of contrasts that I would like to share.

For most of the first two decades of my life, I fought who I was by pretending and hiding. Feeling that I was different from a very early age taught me that hiding was the best idea. There were no clear signposts that told me which direction to go. I was shown a path that was set out by society: to grow up, go to school, get a job, marry a woman and have children. There was no help with my gender identity or my sexuality. Conversely, there were lots of negative messages about gay people. I took them on and accepted them all as a reason to hide and worry about who I was. I was going to go to hell. I was a degenerate. I was a criminal. I was something disgusting. I was sick. I would be making a choice. The list went on and on.

Religion of course played a big role. As I’ve written before the messages came from the bible and were not to be questioned. It didn’t matter to the young me that those who interpreted the bible to suit their own beliefs or moral standards. I didn’t see these beliefs as hypocritical. There were the ideas that sexual acts gay people performed were sick and dirty - even though everyone else performed them… Hell, I was considered a criminal up until June 27, 1969. That was when Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau signed it into law. In 1973 being gay was delisted as a mental disorder as well. Those two points in time didn’t help me growing up though. It didn’t stop my parents from commenting negatively on it or stop the bullies in school from teasing me, beating me and abusing me either. It was clear for most of my youth to see myself as a deviant, something sick and that I needed to hide myself from being discovered.

What did I do? I kept to myself as I went into adolescence. I spent a lot of my time lost in science fiction books, television and movies. Any friends I had were not in the know. That’s because I kept quiet, didn’t try to be overly extroverted and tried to make myself as small as possible. I knew I was attracted to other males and I hated it, but I wanted it as well. There were times when I let my personality show and I was quickly beaten down by some bully telling me to shut up or my parents telling me to not be so dramatic after telling them I had a low self esteem. The message was crystal clear: shut up, buck up and close up. The results? Low self esteem, depression, self-hatred, and seeking a way to forget in a bottle of beer or whiskey. I would get angry at the smallest issues and blame others for my anger. I would try to alienate myself - even from my friends. During my adolescence, I had no concept of socializing and dragged that into my adulthood.

I even pretended to have a girlfriend. We connected and she liked hanging out with me - until I didn’t show any signs of wanting sex. I can remember painfully hearing her have sex in the next room at a drinking party as I sat there drunk and wondering what was wrong with me. To this day, I’ve never had sexual relations with a woman.

So when I finally came out, I “accepted” myself. That only meant that I could have tons of sex with men, drink a lot and party. It didn’t mean that I allowed myself to be me, really love myself or accept myself as a good person. I’ve written about my adventures in my other blog entries and how I ended up HIV+.

HIV was just another reason to not accept myself - only to accept that I was no good, a screw up and that I had fulfilled all the things that I had learned in my childhood about going to hell, degenerate, sick, dirty and more. I lost a relationship from it because I couldn’t be a true partner to someone else. Hell, I couldn’t take care of myself for the longest time.

I’ve also written about the things that changed my point of view: becoming a group fitness instructor, getting my first teaching degree, getting on medications that turned my death sentence to a chronic illness. I taught school for thirty years but for a large part of that, I felt that I was a fake.

What pulled me out of all of this? How did I deal with all the negative images of myself? I just plowed through life; having dysfunctional relationships, being codependent and not really loving myself. In the past five years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’ve learned about my inner critic and how he destroys my chances of being happy. I know my inner critic is there to protect me, but he had to know the new boundaries of what is safe and healthy versus supposedly unsafe and unhealthy situations. Friendships have gone from dysfunctional to supportive and caring. I worked through my belief that I was a fake in my work by really looking inward during my Master’s. I began to see the value in the things that I contribute to the world and above all, began to love myself and accept myself.

It’s been a long and hard haul but so worth it. I am now reaping the benefits of a great life. I have retired and can now do the things that I kept putting off such as travelling and writing. I am spending quality time with friends that matter to me and I matter to them. I don’t torture myself when I screw up anymore. I just look at it as a learning experience and let it go. To be honest, there are times when I back pedal but now I know that those times are not permanent. They are just small obstacles put in my path by the universe to keep me on my toes.

For Pride, I am celebrating being me - the imperfect, bumbling, loving, caring, naive, kind of sexy guy. I’m taking a few risks in being more social as well. I’m getting out of my own way! I’ve planned a trip to Bear Week in Provincetown in July and Palm Springs Pride in October. I’m looking at travelling to Costa Rica, Portugal, Japan and Australia (and more). I’m thinking of writing a book about my life as well (I have to tell my inner critic to shut up about that one…) and continue working on my science fiction trilogy.

Carpe diem, everyone.

[noxiatoxia]

hot take but i ajm in my evil arc keep that in mind

this coincides with my ever growing realization that everyone is so dumb god bless but i am starting to get sick of lgbt infighting and dumb shit. like atp i hate labels i am not queer idec to use lesbian i am just a Homosexual thats it one word no ambiguity bam done. i dont rlly relate to the """"community"""" anyways bc lbr the lgbt community isnt a happy playpen for all kinds of different people. the fact is everyone is too different to get along and all have different needs. the lgbt community only exists so we have a common goal in pushing for rights, thats it. it exists so we can get shit done. strength in numbers. it is not a fun little club bc we are strangers and have nothing in common except we are either not straight or not cis and that is that. listen ive never put much stock into my sexuality bc at the end of the day its my business who cares. as long as i have my legal rights idfc what people think of me for being SSA. thisis not to say that pride gatherings or whatever shouldnt exist or that people cant make up labels or make it their personality literally its ur life. but for me, personally, i just am not into it at least not anymore. i dont want my sexuality to define me i just want to Be. i dont want to be put into this little box of "ohh youre homosexual here are my other gay friends!!" like what the fuck do you think we're gonna have in common ? do yougo up to Straight Mike and be like wow you should meet my other straight friends. & also im tired bc i never liked the label queer (nothing personal just dont like it) and you get inadvertently labeled it in LGBT spaces. like AGAIN i do. not. care. how others identify. i just dont identify that way and i do not want to be identified that way hence me taking a step back. it also doesnt help that we are in an age of polarization. everyone is getting louder and more annoying about everything on both the left and right. every calm the fuck down and watch the bardock special youll feel better.

here is my hot take: i think demonizing somebody for the way they were born is just as bad/annoying as praising somebody for the way they were born. i am not special because i was born with a specific sexuality or skin tone or sex. i am just Me. i am no better or worse and being homosexual does not put me in some cool exclusive clubs with the dykes any more than being straight puts guys in the cool babymaker club.

[containatrocity]

P. What advice would they give to their younger self? (rusty)

"I'd tell him that we never should have cut out Chester... I was mad. I get it. After he'd seen everything I'd been through, it felt like he abandoned me. but... He had Sissy t' worry about. Him and Maggie were young too, an' they didn't have their own feet t' stand on yet. It was.... Selfish, of me, to think that we were more important than his wife and daughter at the time, because I knew the way dad was. It was fine to be angry, to be upset. but he still saved my life, and I shouldn't... have acted like he had to sacrifice his family's safety to make a point that he... stood with me."

"I'd tell him that we weren't... broken. or sick, or sinful or- we're gay. that's where it starts an' ends. And if... if being gay an' unwillin' to judge people for their color, creed, or sexuality was enough t' make the pride fade from Pete Sr, then he didn't need to be proud of us, then we shouldn't have spent so fucking long trying to make him proud of us. That his view of him shouldn't have been so important that a thirteen year old boy should have done what he did to himself. That the aftermath of that first time should have been enough to make us realize Chester didn't hate us, or... fall in line with him. That he was scared. just like us."

"... I'd tell him we're a pretty okay parent, maybe. That Sis turned out alright, all things considered. I'd tell him that we never quite stop achin'? From that night a few weeks 'fore we leave home forever, when he thought nobody was gonna come home fer hours so he opened 'imself up in the bathtub and waited for it all t' go away. It was too much hurt for a person so young, a kid so small. I get where we were comin' from- but that the aftermath will be more permanent than the two scars I'm hidin' under tattoos now. That we'll always see that five year old girl in her face, rushing through the house to find us just as th' world starts fadin' out. That it wasn't an angel that found us, concedin' to the rot that man leaked into our soul, but somebody who never deserved t' see somethin' so awful so soon... I'd tell him to thank her. Hold her even closer when she comes to his room with her toys and he can't hardly move in the aftermath. Because it'll only be a couple weeks, and then a whole half-decade before you never see her again. it'll bite at you. That her last memories of you are near dead in a tub and screamin' up and down at your dad that he should just kill ya."

"I'd tell him not to come home. That Sissy would miss her friends, but god, God maybe she'd hurt less. That we've done our best, keepin' her safe and happy. But it's all been at a cost. And maybe that cost is too fucking high, Maybe New York would be different, Huntsville permanently in our rearview. Lee'd be alive. He wouldn't know the way it aches t' love so desperately and then lose it. Wouldn't know the fear that it might happen again, years later. I'd tell him to be gentle but tell Sissy they can't go home. That she'll make new friends. That things can be better, in a place without yer hanging tree and treehouse in th' same set a branches and bloodstains on the carpet of a childhood bedroom they stripped of every last sign of you the second you left."

"I'd tell him that we were right, just that once. Huntsville is a hole, it's hell, and the people trapped in it don't justify the martyr he became... the martyr I'm still trying to become."

[ninacarstairss]

yes, it was so queer and so homely. that’s the feeling, nothing compare to being surrounded by so many queer people!!! also it’s finally time for my harry styles concert tomorrow so i’ll be back in a super queer environment and also expect a lot of incoherent screaming from my part in the next letter because this is going to be his last show before he goes on a long break, and it’s the last show of a three year long tour so i’m really glad he’s getting a break after this, he deserves it, but also he’s going to make me sob all of my tears tomorrow

honestly i don’t know what the issue is. people are just bigots. well it’s “infatti sono molto gay” in italian 😂 i have an accent so it sounds a little funnier but yeah this is it. still a lot better in english 😂 yeah she is really amazing. i was lucky that i grew up with her <3

crossing my fingers that maybe next year we can really go together and experience it all instead of just me telling the stories!!! it really would be the coolest time!!!

ohhh do you have some fanfics to share?? i haven’t read a lot about them yet and i think i need to before i go and start the book for the fifth time. anyways i love that you have five copies now 😂 the obsession is so real. so wait, you have the og copy, the collectors edition, the british collectors edition, the one from illumicrate, and?? what am i missing??

oh wait did you get the movie copy??? 😻😻

nero i am so so so happy for you 🥺🥺🥺 this is really one of the best experiences ever. you’re gonna have the chance to see so many places and meet so many people and traveling solo is always the best for discovering yourself!!! ohhh this is going to be so amazing!!! i really can’t wait to hear everything about this!!!

you know i could never get sick of you!!! and it would be so cool!!! you definitely should take a little trip to italy :) and i’m already saving up for pride in london. we have to do that!!!

ugh that’s the worst. especially because you don’t like working with her. i hate when managers do this, they’re practically handing you a burn out and extreme stress free subscription. but i’m really glad you’ll be getting all your qualifications before the exchange. these two weeks are gonna be hell but at least you’ll have it all done so you don’t have to worry about it during the exchange. i don’t know how the documentation works there but i remember i had enough documents to draft, collect and request during my own exchange and it was not fun. sorry, i’m not helping with the stress part

anyways, i bet you missed dixie 🥺she must have been devastated without you too!! but alone time away from home seems like the best way to regenerate after all these working hours

my work has been shit too actually. i also had to work all the hours possible because people are crazy during sales season and my manager wants all hands on deck, so yeah this wasn’t a fun week. but at least i went to the pool today to relax a bit after my shift and tomorrow harry’s gonna be my medicine to forget about it all. i also wish we had more hours in the day though because i have hardly read anything this week, i was always out or way too tired when i got back home so i would just fall asleep on the couch. we need like 35 hours long days, that would be perfect. we could have a normal sleep schedule and me-time :’)

oh i really need some cozy rwrb feels now. i’m baking some biscoff muffins to go with the atmosphere and also bringing some jaffa cakes to our little blanket fort in honor of henry <333

hello nero my beloved soulmate!!!

i have pride stories!!! i went to pride this saturday and it was so much fun i need to tell you all about it!!!

well first of all i really hate that i had to work in the morning because it made me so tired and it was the first weekend of sales so yea, not fun. but anyway, my friend picked me up at 3pm and we got to florence. we had to park pretty far from the meeting point and then take a bus, and it was amazing because we were totally lost looking for that bus and at some point we see a bus full of people with rainbow flags, glitter, signs, flower crowns, rainbow stickers and temporary tattoos and all of that. and we just went in, no questions asked. we just figured we’d follow them out of the bus too 😂 i love our people honestly. we were so colorful

anyway we got to the meeting point and it was deadly hot. i swear there were like 45 degrees. but it was so amazing to be around all of those people dressed in all colors and wearing all sorts of things we’d usually be judged for, it felt so safe. except that there was a religious protestor so we got to give him the finger like the heartstopper cast did :)

also my sister came with me. she’s always so supportive and it meant the world that she came with me. anyway the parade started and there were some amazing floats. there were rainbow families, drag queens, all the lgbtqia+ associations from our territory and we started walking behind this float that had amazing music, so we started dancing and singing and it was so much fun!!! we got to talking with some people, there were some amazing signs that were just perfect and i had to go there and tell them how much i loved them :) it was just so fun, i loved meeting random people and it was just the perfect environment. at night there was also a dj set and a band singing to keep the show going!!

then when we were walking back to the bus stop at night we got the whiplash of not being surrounded by queer people anymore. we got catcalled like fifteen times in the span of three minutes. i kinda wanted to punch everyone because we had such a perfect day and i hated that we had to go back to the real world where people are shit 🥲

but still i got so many amazing memories and now all i want to do is book a flight to london for next year and have you come with me so we can celebrate together and see the heartstopper cast!!!!

also, i got a new tattoo yesterday!! and i actually had red white and royal blue with me to distract me so i almost finished the book again and cried in from of my tattoo artist lol it took me the whole day again and it was so painful but so worth it!!! i got medusa on my leg 😻

also, as to our previous letter i just wanted to say that of course i believed in you!!!! i knew you could do it!! but i can definitely believe you had to close your eyes to open that message 😂 getting grades back is always so stressful!! now manifesting a spot for the exchange 🕯️🕯️🕯️ i really hope you get it!!! it’s an amazing experience, you’d definitely love it!!!

and i’m really glad you found someone who specialises in what you need. it can take a while to find the right therapist but i hope this one works out!!

(i’m also writing down sydney and melbourne for when i’m rich enough to visit 😂 i literally booked a flight for august and my bank account kinda yelled at me to stop spending money i don’t have lol)

anyways i’m really sorry i’ve been away for so long, i had a crazy week between the beginning of seasonal sales, pride and the tattoo appointment. i kinda didn’t have time to do anything 🥲

i’m giving you a hug and some homemade chocolate chip cookies with biscoff cream on top <33

hello cece my beloved soulmate!!!!

oh my god i've been so excited to hear about this!!!

that sucks you had to go to work, boo!!! but at least you were off early enough to still go to pride!!!! and how cool that you got to share the experience of going on the bus with all the queer people!! i bet there was no straight and/or cis people on that bus 😂😂😂 just follow the rainbow!!

hot days are the worst, but pride would have made it so much better. i would not be focused on how sweaty i was or the temperature with the amount of queer joy happening around me! it's so wonderful that in a parade full of people and colour that you were able to feel so incredibly safe, and it would have been such an intimate moment for you! and fuck that religious protestor, i'm so glad you gave him the finger. the heartstopper cast would be so proud of you :')

oh that warms my heart that your sister came!!! that was so nice of her to come with you!! the floats sound amazing, and the singing and dancing!!! i am feeling some of the joy through my screen!! seriously, cece, this sounds like the most incredible time. i want to cry just thinking about you having so much fun with your friend and your sister, celebrating your queerness and talking to new people and singing and dancing like there's no one else around 🥲🥲🥲

the trip home must have been so dull in comparison! and how dare those people catcall you, i hope you gave them the same treatment as that religious protestor because seriously what the fuck.

the only thing that matters now is that you had a safe and wonderful time at pride and you can cherish those memories for the rest of your life! and yes, we must do it!! i will literally stay for an extra month just to go to pride in london with you <3

oh my god yay!!! i bet the medusa tattoo looks so cool! and yes reading rwrb while getting tattooed is properly not your best idea, but i'm already rereading rwrb any chance i get to annotate it fully before the movie so i can't say much 😂

okay, cece, i must let you know, because i said to myself i would let you know as soon as i could. but this morning, i woke up (quite late actually). i checked my watch for my notifications. i see an email waiting for me. i die a little inside realising it is from the exchange team at my university. i run out to grab my phone from where i charge it. i speed past my mum. i unlock my phone. i open my email and click on the newest one. and.... I GOT A SPOT EARLY!!! AT MY FIRST UNIVERSITY TOO!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? i'm still in so much shock and i thank you for your manifesting and belief in me!!! oh my god i have so much to do before then (mostly saving money ngl 😂) but oh my god cece, i'm going to england for exchange!!!!!!

me too!! i just need to find the time to get a referral, so i can go and see them!!

(literally sydney and melbourne are lowkey expensive, but it is totally worth it!! and i would be more than happy to tell you where to go and where to stay! <3)

do not apologise!!! we are all busy! i am literally working the equivalent of a full time job over the next two weeks and i'm also dogsitting over the weekend :') pray for my poor soul.

i'm giving you the biggest hug i hope contains the same warmth as pride and i'm fighting off your customers so you can have a few moments to breathe <3333

[macdennissurvivor]

I just rewatched season 15 tonight with my best friend who hadn’t seen it yet. He isn’t in the fandom and isn’t one for shipping, which makes him a non biased opinion for me. When we finished that last episode he said something interesting. He said they seem to setting up something for your guys (Mac and Dennis) he thinks Mac letting go of his focus with identity and the Catholic Church, the comment from Dee about falling in love means Mac will get a boyfriend next season.

He said Dennis is a complete mess, he so full of bullshit about himself, his life, other people and even reality (still talking to the castle after being discharged from the hospital ) that he’s not in the same place as the others. Hence the ending shot. He thinks Mac getting a boyfriend is gonna take Dennis on a journey. He thinks next season will end with Dennis realising he has feelings for Mac.

I was so happy when he said this. I asked if as a straight, casual viewer if this would bother him. (Straight men are very odd so I had to ask) he said no way. They have always been boardline with their friendship. It would almost be disappointing if they didn’t hook up because the fallout would be hilarious. He said they are like the older guys that claim to be flatmates but you know is code for life partners

that's awesome!! i've seen plenty of people on reddit who despise any form of macdennis or just gay content on the show in general, especially in regards to dennis, so to hear that a straight, casual viewer would be almost disappointed if they never did anything with that makes me hopeful that the majority of the audience would hopefully feel the same, or at least not openly hate on it.

now, moving onto what he thinks for future seasons: i totally agree! i always go back and forth between whether mac and dennis will ever be addressed in the show or not, but, if we're just looking at the writing and betting on that, it one hundred percent makes sense. (again, i don't know what the hell rcg will do with it or if they have any plans at all with mac and dennis BUT, just with what we've been given, especially the last few seasons, it's insane.)

there were big episodes from season 11 to season 13 leading up to the finale with mac finds his pride, where mac finally confronts his sexuality and being proud. season 14 is a weird season, in which we deal with a ton mac versus dennis conflict. like a Lot. to the point where all the dudebros on reddit were saying how there was way too much and they need to do something with it already or move on. and then season 15 highlights mac's identity problems again, and how he's learning to let them go, and charlie got to deal with his father storyline and frank learned to accept charlie as his son. (dee's was ambiguous and is tied in with her acting thing i'm sure, but kind of dropped off in the middle of the season.)

dennis's is going to be interesting because you're right, he's living in denial of almost every aspect of his life and he lives that denial as truth and has a hard time accepting it as any other way. he didn't get vaccinated because he thinks his body is perfect and he could get rid of sickness at will, as we've learned in the gang gets quarantined, he didn't even believe he had covid up until he was in the hospital and he could no longer deny it. the whole conversation they had in the bar about how mac should just "meet a guy, fall in love, and shut the hell up about it" sticks out so much because they didn't end up doing anthing with it this season, because this season was about charlie and his found family. and that end scene where dennis is the only one not in the group with the others is so glaring. i really hope season 16 is what your friend thinks, because mac getting a boyfriend and dennis addressing his delusions about life are both things they hinted toward heavily this season, and if they get addressed together, then that would be amazing.

[dilemmaontwolegs]

So, something that I think about a lot when it comes to Steve Rogers is that he came from an point in time where people were being (brutally) institutionalized for things like being gay. And while he’s a good example of not being the product of his time, I wonder if it left any impact on him. Having personally grown up in a hyper religious household with outdated views stemmed from homophobia, sexism, misogyny just to make a few, and realizing by the age of eight that I was queer was extremely traumatic to me for a lot of reasons, but circling back to the point. Especially with him having been sick his entire early life, my personal headcanon is that he’s bisexual. He grew up knowing not to talk about it, but heard time and time again that it meant there was something deeply wrong with him. That it was a sickness. It was only when he went through the serum trial that he realized, when he was still the same in that sense, that there wasn’t anything wrong with him. That it didn’t make him sick and there wasn’t anything to be fixed. He never projected those feelings before or after onto anybody else, but it helped open his eyes and make him better understand that part of himself. Then flashing forward to present day, he gets to watch ground breaking developments in equality and pride. Parades, legalized marriage, foundations, fierce allies, etc. At this point, I’m just indulging a lot of my own feelings/stuff that’s been on my mind with this one, but I was wondering if I could submit a request with you? I love the way you write and I think your blog is absolutely amazing. The idea I have in mind is that as incredible as all of these strides are compared to the time he came from, he slowly starts to realize that there’s still a long way to go. When he meets Transmasc!reader(he/him), they fall in love. They’ve managed to build as much of a domestic life as they can with Steve doing the whole Cap/Avengers thing, but it hits a point where Reader is happy. Not just with the life they have with Steve or their relationship, but how far he’s come and the person he’s become in spite of the odds he’s always felt stacked against him growing up. He takes the ultimate step to get the closure he needs, and decide to bring him back home to meet his parents. It would be the first time seeing his family since he’s started his transition (top surgery and testosterone) so he’s terrified, but hopeful, and he has his loving boyfriend with him, so he feels safe inserting himself in that situation again. But upon returning home, the family reunion goes about as well as you’d expect. Steve reaches his boiling point after listening to Readers parents consistently and systematically misgender/dead name him. So, Steve (aggressively) stands up for Reader and they leave, but in the aftermath of it all, Reader is distraught and heartbroken and slightly dysphoric from the way his parents talked about him, calling him the “sweet little girl” they used to know and treating him like some kind of monster. Steve being Steve, comforts him through this. Validating and reassuring them all the while. I understand that this is a heavy topic, so I completely get it if you don’t want to write it, but thank you anyway for your time and reading this far -💙

I love your head-canon! It would make so much sense that the serum fixed all his ailments but he was still attracted to men so of course it proves it’s not a sickness 💙

It was so hard writing this because I absolutely hated the readers parents and just trying to imagine having to face any piece of shit who isn’t accepting (especially blood), made me want to drown them in a vat of Carolina reaper chilli sauce because it is hotter than the fiery pits of hell. 

Thank you for trusting me to write this and I hope you enjoy it 💙

Found Family || Steve Rogers x transmasc!reader

Warnings: syringe/injection, transphobia (this is not condoned!), angst, fluff WC: 2268

Main Masterlist || Steve’s Masterlist

You stood in front of the mirror, as you often did, finding yourself deep in thought as you looked at your changing body. For so long you had hated mirrors because they could never reflect who you were, but now you traced the fading lines on your chest with a smile. You couldn’t believe how heavy those two lumps of flesh had weighed on your mind every day until they were gone. 

Movement pulled you away from the scarring and you saw Steve waking in the bed behind you, a sleepy smile growing as he saw you standing in all your glory. His hand reached out from under the warm blankets and you let him pull you back into the bed and into his strong arms. You snuggled under the blankets with your head on his shoulder as he continued his leisurely wake up, knowing there was nowhere he needed to be today.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” You greeted as he stretched an arm over his head, the blond hairs along it glowing in the mid morning light.

“G’morning.” He yawned before curling himself back around you and kissing you sweetly. “Can we just stay here all day?”

You sighed as he brushed his nose along your jawline, teasing the beard that was starting to fill out. “It’s Saturday, remember? We have dinner at my parent’s.”

Steve’s lips curled up and his smile widened. “Of course I remember. I finally get to meet the people who made my perfect boyfriend, I really do need to thank them.”

A slither of doubt crept in at the thought of seeing your parents for the first time since you started your transition but it was something that you needed to do. Steve could see the light in your eyes fading as you began to worry and he pulled you closer, hooking his leg over your hip.

“No matter what happens, I’m going to be by your side the entire time.” He promised. “And, if you feel uncomfortable at all we can leave.”

You nodded, not trusting your voice as you thought about how lucky you were to have such a supportive boyfriend. Even when Steve had to go away for work he would answer the second you called, he put you first and it meant the world to you. Needing to show him just how grateful you were, you claimed his lips with a hungry kiss and ran your hand down the hard planes of his chest. 

Unfortunately your alarm went off on your phone and you groaned as you reached over and found the notification that it was time for your weekly testosterone injection. With a rueful smile, you rolled away and went into the bathroom before hearing Steve’s footsteps follow. You had been taking the doses for almost a year and it had left you with the perfect routine, Steve resting on the edge of the bath as he used an alcohol wipe to clean the site on the outside of your thigh, while you prepared the syringe for him. 

You gripped the vanity and tried to relax the muscles in your legs but you were never fond of needles and that hadn’t changed just because you had weekly injections and monthly blood tests. It actually made you hate them more. 

“Relax, babe. Take a deep breath in…and out.” Steve soothed as he looked up to check you were listening before pushing the needle into the meat of your thigh. “Atta boy, all done.”

He stuck a small BandAid over the reddening spot before standing up and sweeping you off your feet. “I’m perfectly capable of walking.”

“I know.” He smiled, continuing on his way back to bed with you in his arms. “I just don’t want you going through unnecessary pain walking on it. And, I like being able to hold you like this.”

You smiled back and nestled your head onto his shoulder, the hard muscles not making for a great pillow but if you have a choice you would still choose it over the softest pillow ever created. He barely even jostled you as he laid you on the bed and climbed back in beside you, another perk of his super soldier strength. You cosied up to his side knowing you had a few hours to kill before needing to get ready for your parents and the dull ache in your leg would hopefully have subsided before you left. 

The moment your parents opened the door you could feel something wasn’t right. The usual excitement at your arrival was sedate and their arms barely touched you as they gave you feeble side hugs. You were shuffled out of the doorway and into the house before you could even introduce Steve and you hoped it was because of the cool weather and the warmth inside escaping - not because they didn’t want the neighbours to see that you were no longer ‘the girl next door’.

“Mom, dad, this is-”

“Captain America, yeah, we kind of figured that.” Your father said as he tucked his hands into his pockets.

“It’s just Steve, sir.” Steve said as he held his hand out before dropping it when your dad made no attempt to shake it and turned to your mom instead. “This is a lovely home you have.”

Her smile was short and she looked at the picture hanging on the wall of you in a bright pink frilly dress she had dressed you in as a child, her finger reached out and traced the image. “It certainly was. We wanted everything perfect for our little girl’s return but...”

A small sob escaped and she dabbed her eyes as she looked between you and the picture.

“It’s alright darling.” Your dad said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, almost glaring at you for being the reason she was upset. “We will get our sweet girl back, honey.”

You could feel your own tears welling and your shoulders slumped as all the confidence you had grown over the past year was erased within seconds. Steve’s hand slipped from yours as his 6’2” frame shielded you from your parents, your trembling hands clutching the material at the back of his shirt.

“You should be ashamed of yourselves.” His Captain’s tone boomed in the small hallway, startling your parents from the sound of your mom’s gasp. “I can’t even tell if you are ignorant or just cruel.”

“Excuse me?” Your father growled as he stepped chest to chest with Steve despite being much shorter. “Who do you think you are coming into my home and talking to my family like this?”

Steve reached behind him so he could pull you around his body and hold you to his side as he stared down your dad. “I’m the man who loves your son, and I won’t let anyone, family or not, disrespect him like you are.”

Your mother scoffed as she took a step to your fathers side. “We don’t have a son.”

“You’ve always had a son.” Steve shook his head sadly.

“I just looked a little different.” You murmured as you looked at the photo.

“A little.” Your mother rolled her eyes. “I took you bra shopping, we would get our hair done. Now you’ve grown a beard and cut your hair. I don’t even recognise you anymore.”

“It doesn’t change who he is as a person.” Steve said, his hand brushing his hair back as his blood pressure rose.

“Stop saying that!” Your mother all but shouted. “Her birth certificate clearly states female. I gave birth to a girl and just because she is going through a phase, that doesn’t change.”

You whipped your head back and forth, tears spilling over your cheeks as you realised your dream reunion would be merely that, a fantasy. Your parents had shown their true colours and couldn’t let go of the past so now they would be gone from your future. Wiping your eyes, you reached into your back pocket and unfolded the paper you had been saving to raise a toast to over dinner but there was no way you could break bread with them again.

“Actually, it says male.” You sniffled as you held up the revised birth certificate you had applied for. “I made a copy for you, I thought we could celebrate together.”

You folded it back up and tucked it into the picture frame, your parents leaning away from you as you reached pass, like they could catch an illness from you. The pain was sharp in your chest as you stepped back and started to head to the door, unable to look at their disdain any longer.

“You thought wrong. Take this.” Your dad tore the certificate from the picture and flicked it at your feet. “Our daughter is dead and we don’t want a stranger under our roof.”

Steve moved quicker than you could blink and suddenly your father’s feet were off the ground. The slam of him hitting the wall rocked the portraits that hung along it, some even falling to the floor and shattering glass across the tile.

“You don’t deserve to call yourselves parents, you’re just pathetic.” Steve seethed as he slammed your father back again while your mother screamed and tried to push him away. It wasn’t until he looked at you, seeing your heart crumbling in your eyes, that he dropped your dad and picked you up. “We never have to come back here again, I’ll be your family and you’ll be mine.”

You nodded as you dropped your head to his shoulder, releasing the rest of the tears you had managed to hold back. Steve hated to hear you cry and it took everything in him not to turn back and throw your parents through the whole damn wall for what they said. It had taken a long time to get to where you felt comfortable enough in your own skin, and then you had built up all your courage to visit them. You did not deserve to be treated how you were. You knew all this, and Steve reminded you as he buckled you in and raced around the car to the drivers side, but a small part of you wondered if you could have survived living a lie just to keep your parents happy, would it have been worth it.

“Y/n!” Steve called out and you jumped as you looked around and found you were parked in your garage, the entire drive lost in the depths of your mind that was full of what ifs. “I called you three times.”

“Sorry,” you murmured, “lost in thought.”

“Talk to me.” He reached over the console and took your hand, missing your usual reassuring squeeze you always gave him. “Hey, look at me, forget about them, they are not worth wasting time on.”

“I know, it’s just…” You couldn’t even articulate how you felt, they were your parents, they were supposed to be supportive.

“Every single thing they said was stupid and wrong.” Steve said as he ran his hand along your shadow of a beard and turned your head to face him. “You have come too far to let a couple of assholes make you doubt yourself. You spent your life fighting a war in your own body but now you love who you are and that is all that matters, fuck everyone else.”

Your eyebrows were halfway up your forehead as you heard Steve curse twice in quick succession, he only swore when he was extremely passionate and to hear him swear for you almost meant more than what he was saying. He was right, until an hour ago you had been the happiest you had ever been and you wanted to go back to that place. Nodding in his hands, you placed yours over his and gave them a squeeze.

“You’re right.” You whispered. “Thank you.”

Steve could see your heart wasn’t fully in it but it was no longer breaking in your chest and he made a promise to himself that he would do everything he could to make you happy once more. “C’mon, let’s open that bottle of champagne you’ve been saving. We still need to celebrate.”

You got out of the car and met Steve halfway around, his hand already waiting for yours before he towed you into the house until he stopped in the living room. You looked around the room that was adorned with his artwork and froze at a new addition hanging over the fireplace.

“Do you like it?” He asked, quiet apprehension in his voice as he stepped up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. “I wanted to do something special to mark the day.”

Your throat constricted as you stared open mouthed at the detailed picture Steve had drawn. Somehow with a charcoal pencil and sketching paper he had managed to capture your likeness and the pure joy in your eyes as you held your new birth certificate up. He had immortalised your happiness in a single image and the slither of doubt your parents had cruelly set under your skin disappeared. That image was your truth, it was your validation that settled the pit in your stomach and you turned to face Steve.

“Thank you.”

Steve’s smile grew as he felt your entire heart and soul in those two words. “I love you and I hope you know I would do anything for you.”

“This is more than enough.” You kissed him as your fingers slipped under his shirt and up his chest. “I love you too.”