#they literally looked the happiest we’ve ever seen them and that will never fail to fuck me up

[ivanttakethis]

Oh.

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Oh.

[softtransbf]

Mister Nice Guy, part 2

part one

Summary: Shit hits the fan, and the rest of the BAU is done with it.

Word Count: 3523

Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description

Warnings: case involving targeting gay people, brief mention of a child abduction case, coming out/anxiety of experiencing transphobia (no actual transphobia though), alcohol, swearing

@aleccolocco (sorry it took so long to finish lol)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No, that doesn't make any sense at all, doctor!" you spat his title. "He's not jealous of these couples, killing what he can't have, or a homophobe, punishing gay people for being happy. He's putting an end to their unhappy relationships. He sees it as mercy." Over the months, your cold war with Reid turned into outright conflict, and tonight, alone in the police station in Oregon, was no exception. Hotchner had tasked the two of you with presenting the preliminary profile the next morning, and it was going as well as conversations ever went.

"We have no evidence that he knows they're unhappy, though. All of his victims are clearly happy in their relationships," Reid challenged.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "Please. One look at their social media and it's obvious that the relationships are on the rocks."

"Where do you get that? All I see are typical happy relationships. Selfies, checking into special events together, posts about kind things one does for the other. Nothing indicating a troubled relationship to me."

"The gentlemen doth protest too much. They're painting an overly happy painting on social media, hoping that some of that happiness will actually become real. They're desperate for the relationship to work."

"Let's say you're right. I don't think you are, but let's pretend for the sake of trying to see your logic through. Why? Why would they be so desperate to save a failing relationship?"

"God, straight men just don't fucking get it!" You went to grab a file, missing his small flinch. "You don't understand how limited the dating pool for men who are into men is. Look at the most recent couple in particular. The most lovey-dovey on social media, and got the most brutal deaths."

"Yes, because they were the happiest. My theory holds," Reid interrupted.

"No. Look, this guy put way more out there on social media than his partner, and look at the pictures he posted. Look how forced his smile is, look at the body language. He needs this relationship to work, because dating as a gay man is one thing, dating as a gay trans man is almost impossible. Having to start over and deal with transphobia over and over again is worse than being in a bad relationship. In his eyes, I mean." Shit, the first person I come out to on this team cannot be Spencer fucking Reid. He doesn't deserve the honor.

"That was yesterday. We haven't gotten the autopsy report yet. How could you possibly know that he's trans?"

"Testosterone vials and needles in the bathroom. Neither of them are old enough for a cis man to reasonably have issues that require testosterone injections. It's HRT, hormone replacement therapy."

"Even if you're right, your conclusion still seems like a much bigger jump than mine, that the killer sees the relationships as happy and is lashing out at that, be it from jealousy or homophobia."

"Whatever. You'll see tomorrow, when we talk to the M.E., that he was trans, and that fact backs me up. I am absolutely right about this, and you will eat your words. Then I will present my theory, and you can choke on yours."

"We? You anticipate us spending more time together?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I meant 'we' as in the team, asshat. The world doesn't revolve around you. Mine sure as hell doesn't. I'm gonna go back to the hotel, write my own damn preliminary profile, and try to get some fucking sleep. Clearly we won't agree on this."

"We don't ever agree on anything," he pointed out.

"Not true. We agree that we dislike each other and can't get along. Good night, doctor." You turned and walked away, not giving him a chance to respond.

This man is going to be the death of me, he thought as he watched you walk away.

~

The autopsy report came in the next day, and you were right. The tech team also found a locked notes app on his phone that catalogued his unhappiness and fear of leaving. You presented your preliminary profile to the team. Reid didn't even argue; he just sat in silence, leaving the room as soon as you were finished. Never one to pass up a chance to gloat for beating him, you offered to get coffee for the team, got everyone's order, and left shortly behind him.

You were expecting to catch up to him, his impossibly long legs be damned. You weren't expecting him to be waiting for you. He pulled you into an empty interrogation room and pushed you up against a wall, his face just inches from yours. It was only a moment before being flustered by the closeness and those goddamn eyes were replaced by anger.

"What the FUCK, Reid?"

"What game are you playing, Y/N? What game are we playing? What's your endgame?" He spoke quickly and softly, but there was an intensity in his voice that had you captivated.

"I'm the one playing games?" You pushed him back, away from you. "You're the one who decided to hate me before we even met. When I transferred, all I wanted was to do a good job and fit in with the team. But quite literally from the minute I walked through the door, you'd decided you hate me. Turnabout is just fair play, gorgeous." Oh, fuck.

"Gorgeous?" You walked past him to the other side of the room, running a hand through your hair and turning your back on him. "Fine. Yeah, okay? I wanted approval from the brilliant and handsome Doctor Spencer Reid. In a way that's respectful of your heterosexuality, of course." You turned around and faced him again. "But that doesn't matter, because you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me right off the bat."

"What makes you think I'm straight?" He's fucking with me, now that that cat is out of the bag. Great. Fucking cishet men. Even he's no different. Thank god he still thinks I'm cis.

"Garcia mentioned in her newbie-run-down that you're 'awkward, but in a cute way, especially around women'. Plus, she mentioned that Emily is bi, leaving everyone else implied straight as even the best cishet allies are wont to do. And as we both know, Penelope knows everything.

And before you make the hearsay argument I can see forming in that brilliant head of yours, I've heard and seen too much about your impeccable memory to assume you don't remember when we all went to the bar after my first case. I was unabashedly Queer, friendly flirting with Derek and calling out cishet bullshit. When I did the latter, you literally rolled your eyes and walked away. Which is, funnily enough, some cishet bullshit. 

JJ said you were just going through a thing and things would get better, but they just got worse. I'm not going to ask you to spill whatever was going on, because it's not my business, but god damn, dude. Why did you hate me so much so quickly?"

"You asked JJ about me?" He took a few steps towards you, a small smile on his face.

"That's the part you focused on? Jesus fucking Christ. Yes, I asked her about why you decided to hate me before we even met. Whatever. I hope you got whatever you were looking for by pulling me in here. I'm done. Done with this conversation, done with whatever has been going on with you and us since the day I transferred." You turned to leave, but he grabbed your arm. It was barely more than a light touch, but you let it stop you.

"Y/N. I can't-" he sighed. "God, you make my head spin. I can't organize my thoughts enough to say what I want to. JJ was right, there was something I had to work through, and I guess you'd made up your mind about me before I figured it out. It isn't an excuse for how I treated you, just an explanation. As for the more recent development of arguments… I guess I read a subtext that wasn't there. I could never dislike you, let alone hate you. I am truly sorry for- for all of it." With three long strides, he was out the door.

Make his head spin? What subtext? Since when is he unable to say what's on his mind? And what was that about not disliking me? All we've done since we met is argue or ignore each other. Why else would he act like that? Why do I even care? Why am I so knotted up about what he's thinking and feeling? Whatever. Fuck him, and not in the fun way. I've gotta go get coffee for the team. As you were getting the coffee, you couldn't get the memory of his face, so close to yours, to stop playing in your head.

The rest of the case was mostly as normal, but there was an energy between you and Spencer that was distant like when you joined the team, but there was something else to it that you couldn't quite put your finger on. It made you a little bit sad, though, for reasons you didn't understand.

~

"I love you, Y/N. I love you so much. I pulled away from you because it terrified me how much I loved you from the moment you walked through the door that first day. Being around you, even when we were arguing, made me feel alive in a way I never had before. You're all I think about, you're all I could ever want. I love you."

"I… I love you too." You didn't know which one of you moved, maybe you both did, but in an instant, you were kissing Spencer Reid, and you couldn't have been happier.

-

You woke up with a start, breathing heavily. You looked around; you were in your room, home alone, and it was 3:37 am. What the hell was that?

Four hours later, you trudged through the door of the BAU office, venti red-eye in hand. You made it about ten steps before Derek had his arm around your shoulders.

"Whoa there, hot stuff. Rough night?" You tried to shake him off, but he wouldn't budge, so you just kept walking, making him go with you towards your desk.

"So not your business, Derek. You being open with your personal life doesn't mean we all have to be open like that with ours."

"Personal life, huh? So who is he? More importantly, how was he, and should we expect more mornings like this in the future?" You rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him away. You'd reached your desk, so you sat on top of it, facing him. As you did, you made eye contact with Spencer, who was well within earshot. His face was unreadable, and you weren't sure why him hearing Morgan tease you like that upset you. It never had before.

"No, Derek. There's no one. Just some nightmares. Nothing major; I'll be fine by tomorrow." You got off your desk, sat in your chair, and logged into your laptop. Derek whistled and walked away without another word, shaking his head.

You tried to focus on the paperwork you needed to get done, but you couldn't stop thinking about that dream. The feeling of his lips on yours… it felt so real.

This is ridiculous. Love? We don't even like each other. Well… there was the stuff he was saying yesterday- 'I could never dislike you, let alone hate you', and some sort of subtext? But not disliking someone is a far cry from love. Plus, he's straight, so this is all absurd. And even if he DID have feelings for me, I sure as hell don't return them. I mean, maybe he's not as awful as I've thought, especially if he wasn't coming from a place of dislike. And he really is very pretty. Those eyes… Wait, what the fuck? This is all fucking ridiculous. I just need to get a full night's sleep tomorrow, and all this weirdness will be gone.

You took a giant gulp of your coffee, shook your head, and ran your fingers through your hair. Fortunately, Hotchner called a team meeting, forcing your attention to other things.

While no case could ever be described as 'normal', this case was pretty cut and dry, once you figured out what you were looking for. No dramatic twist, no tense showdown at his arrest. There weren't many cases like that, but you were very glad that this one was. You never sleep well when on a case, and no matter what you did, you couldn't shake that dream, the butterflies it left in your stomach every time you looked at him, and the strange disappointment when, unlike before that moment in Oregon, he wasn't looking at you.

Two more weeks passed. The energy between you and Spencer, whatever force it was that had drawn you together to argue again and again, was gone. You were polite to each other, and cooperated as necessary, but didn't do more than the bare minimum when it came to interacting with each other. Your interactions were cold and low-spirited. So you were so glad for a fun night out with Penelope, Emily, and JJ.

"So, Y/N, things seem… different… between you and Spencer these days. Did something happen?" Emily's tone made it clear that the three of them had intended to bring this up long before the plan to get drinks was even made. "I appreciate y'all waiting until I had a couple of drinks in me at least before going here. I guess we just got tired of fighting? I don't know. I can't figure out what's going on in that brilliant head of his. I thought I at least knew where I stood with him, even though it was purely adversarial, but I think I was wrong. But then that leaves me with no idea what he thinks of me or why I care so damn much."

"Really? No idea at all?" JJ asked. "I remember walking by a closed door in the police station in Oregon and hearing the word 'gorgeous' being thrown around." "Oh my god. You heard that?" You buried your face in your hands, and they all laughed.

"Yeah, I did, but only that one word. I'd figured you were on the phone with someone, but then you and Spence both started acting sad. I wasn't sure, of course, that you were talking to him until just now."

"Fuck. Okay, yeah. I think he's pretty. But I'm absolutely not alone in that. Derek calls him Pretty Boy, for goodness' sake. Appreciating someone's beauty doesn't have to mean anything more."

"Y/N, really? After everything we've been through together, you're gonna lie to us like this? Whatever happened, you've both been miserable since, and it's throwing the whole team off balance."

"What do you want me to say, Penelope? That I'm in love with him? He's pretentious and a know-it-all and a nerd and funny and kind and gorgeous and oh my God. I think I'm in love with him." The three women clapped and cheered.

"Finally, you get there! Took you long enough." Emily winked. "So, what's the plan now?"

"Keep this shit between us until my feelings go away. Even if he wasn't straight, I wouldn't risk fucking things up by telling him how I felt. As it is, I stand no chance in hell, so I'm just gonna write this one off as another straight guy I've fallen for and try to move on."

"Y/N, if you tell him-" Penelope started.

"No. You, more than anyone, know why I can't even entertain the idea of trying to be with him. I can't set myself up for that kind of pain. Not here, not where things are so good." You looked at all three of them. "I know that your intentions were good, but I just can't do this. I'm sorry." You grabbed your coat and left.

Your interactions with Spencer changed yet again. Now that you knew you loved him, you couldn't help yourself from being warmer towards him. As the weeks passed, you got closer. After three weeks, you considered him to be a good friend, not that that made things any less painful. You were just hoping that Penelope, Emily, and JJ were going to respect your wishes and drop the subject of your feelings for him.

[From: Penelope]: round table room ASAP

Shit. The last time you'd gotten that text from Penelope, the team left on a serial child abduction case 30 minutes later. So, despite it being your day off, you ran out the door and were there with your go bag in 15 minutes.

But no one else was there. No files on the table, nothing to indicate that there was a new case. You pulled out your phone to call Penelope, but then you heard a commotion outside the door- you'd closed it behind you.

"No, Derek, wait, I don't-"

"Can it, Pretty Boy, and thank me later." Derek opened the door, pushed Spencer into the room, winked at you, and shut the door, all in about 3 seconds.

"Spencer. Um, hi. Is the rest of the team not going to join us? Garcia's text seemed pretty urgent." You tucked your phone into your pocket.

"I don't think so, since I just heard Morgan barricade the door." He tried to open the door and failed.

"Oh my god they're Parent Trapping us. I'm gonna kill them."

Spencer tilted his head, confused. "Parent Trapping?"

"Oh my god have you not seen any of the Parent Trap movies? Were you living under a rock in 1998?" "I was seventeen and working on my first doctorate, so pretty much, yeah," he laughed. You couldn't help but laugh, too, as you firmly ignored how his smile made you absolutely melt.

"Fair enough. The '61 one is good too, but the '98 Lindsay Lohan one is Iconic for good reason. Anyway. The point is, they've locked us in here and won't let us out until we have a conversation."

"Just a conversation? Or do they want us to talk about something in particular?" He took a seat at the table.

"I- yeah, they have a particular topic in mind. I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I was tipsy and said things I should have just kept to myself. I thought they'd respected my wishes and left well enough alone, but clearly they didn't. And they won't let us out of here until I tell you-" you hesitated.

"Tell me what?" He leaned forward, and part of you swore you saw hope in his beautiful brown eyes. You looked at the floor, avoiding them.

"Tell you that I… have feelings for you. Romantic, cheesy, butterflies-in-my-stomach feelings. I don't know why they want me to tell you this. We've just gotten to a good place as friends, and you're straight, and-"

Somehow you missed the sound of him getting up and taking the few steps over to you, because you practically jumped out of your skin when his hands were suddenly on your shoulders.

"Y/N. Please, darling, look at me?" Bewildered by the endearment, you did, and his smile was blinding. "I'm not straight. I'm bi, and I think part of me has been in love with you since your first day at the BAU. The thing JJ said I was working through? The potential problems of having feelings for a coworker. For you. As soon as you walked through that door", he pointed and then took both your hands in his, "I loved you. The night at the bar? I was rolling my eyes at myself for how much I wanted to kiss you, and I walked away to stop myself from doing something reckless. I love you, Y/N. Can I do something reckless?"

"I'm trans," you blurted. "I hope that doesn't change anything, but it's something you should know. If knowing that I'm trans changes things, now is the time for you to say something. If it's a problem and it blows up later, it might actually kill me. Because I love you, too. So much. If it doesn't change anything, then please, Spencer, kiss me."

The words were barely out of your mouth before his lips were on yours. You weren't sure how long you were kissing before you were interrupted by cheers from the other side of the door. "Shit, Spencer, they're going to be the worst about this, aren't they?" You were a bit embarrassed by how breathy your voice was, but you were too happy to really care.

"Oh yeah. We're not going to get a moment that's just us in this building ever again. Do you want to get it over with and face them, or would you prefer we stay in this moment a bit longer?"

"What do you think, doctor?" you asked, pulling him in for another kiss.

[4haechie]

cliché

summary: he doesn’t care if it seems cliché, donghyuck really wants to run into your arms after winning the game.

pairing: soccer player!lee donghyuck x reader

genre: fluff, high school au

words: 1,882

warnings: swearing, that’s all

a/n: this is for the one (1) anon who requested for a part 2 to this drabble :D thank u sm i hope u like it! also, i should’ve thought this through bc i don’t know the first thing about soccer. enjoy!

“y/n, wait up!”

you’re making your way to the stands when mark calls out to you from behind. you turn on your heel and face him, annoyed, “what is it?” you don’t mean to sound rude, but you don’t want to miss a single second of the game.

“i have the perfect plan–”

“i don’t wanna hear it!” you know exactly what he was planning on telling you, but you don’t give him the chance. you quickly pass the food stalls on the ground floor, climb the steps of the stands, and take your seat. you plop your bag on the seat to your left to save one for mark–he’s annoying and a slowpoke, yeah, but he’s your best friend.

the announcer states the game will be starting soon; you don’t know why your heart is beating so fast, it’s not like you’re playing. you’re only watching the boy you like play. no big deal.

you hope his team wins. you also hope he’ll come up in the stands after winning to say hi and perhaps more. the rapid beating of your heart returns as the crowd goes wild when the announcer starts reading out the players’ names.

/

lee donghyuck is amazing at soccer. he’s been playing the sport since he was young. he’s good at it, the captain of the school’s team, and never fails to bring his team victory.

he’s played about a million and one games before. why is he so nervous about this one?

oh, yeah. it’s because he invited you to watch the game a few days ago. you, who’s been his crush for as long as he can remember. you, who has no clue he’s crushing on you.

“game starts in five.” the coach is pacing around, making everybody more nervous than they really are. “this is the first game of the semester. no big deal,” he lets out an airy laugh. “we’re going against our number one rival school. no pressure,” he lets out the same laugh.

donghyuck rolls his eyes. “coach, relax! we’ve gone against them before and won. this is gonna be a piece of cake, right guys?” he gazes around his teammates.

the coach does some warm-ups–he’s not even playing; donghyuck doesn’t get this guy–and walks over to the teacher’s bench to chat with his colleagues.

the field is open, of course, and the players’ waiting area is a huge tent just beside the stands. donghyuck scans the stands–he doesn’t know where you’re seated, so when he doesn’t find you, a small frown traces his lips. what if you didn’t show? you said you would...but he can’t see you anywhere. what if you changed your mind? his mind is racing with such thoughts when the announcer yells something through his megaphone.

“all players on the field!”

the coach tells the team to huddle for a second and gives his final piece of advice: “finish them! you hear me?” the teammates whoop and cheer loudly and the coach smiles at them fondly.

/

“our school needs one more goal to win.” mark says, munching on cheesy doritos. you grip the empty can of soda in your hand tightly in anticipation. they have to win. he has to win. “donghyuck has to make the winning goal. he’s so fucking good, y/n!” mark nudges you knowingly.

you need to focus on the game in front of you, but mark’s words make your mind wander. he really is good. mark’s never been to any of his games before, and you’ve been to the very first game he played after making the team.

you and donghyuck have been in the same class for as long as you can remember. you also live in the same neighbourhood. but you’re always too shy to approach him, and he’s always with his billion teammates or friends. you, on the other hand, are with mark, your oldest friend, most of the time.

just to show your support, your entire class in freshman year went to donghyuck’s first-ever soccer match. he was so thrilled to see everyone there, cheering for him and rooting for him. he lost that match, unfortunately, but learned from his mistakes and won every single match after that. soon, in junior year, he was made the captain.

this game is going to be one of his last games before he graduates. so he has to win, not only to bring another trophy to the table but also to impress you. as silly as it sounds, he prays you’re out there somewhere. he prays you’re watching, because he really wants to kiss you after winning the game–like every cliché high school movie to ever exist.

/

donghyuck feels beads of sweat lining his forehead, trailing down his neck. he takes a deep breath. he listens closely to the audience screaming his name. he grasps that, holds onto it, clings to that as if his life depends on it. he doesn’t have much time, he has to take his shot. he runs like the wind and he’s suddenly in front of the goalpost, staring at the face of the rival goalkeeper.

donghyuck dares glance around; his eyes catch the sight of the opposition advancing. he has to act fast. he gathers all the stamina that’s left, takes one look at the goal, does the necessary pre-goal-making calculations in his head, and kicks the ball. all of this happens in under a second–the goalkeeper doesn’t see it coming. donghyuck is known for his surprise attacks and goals. this really was a piece of cake, he thinks.

the ball soars and hits the back of the net. the crowd goes wild–literally. the chanting gets louder, and donghyuck smiles brightly. in an instant, as if this was rehearsed, his teammates surround him, lift him in the air, also chanting his name.

he gets handed the winning trophy, and everything becomes a blur. he and his teammates pose on the field to take pictures, his coach cries tears of joy, his parents come running to embrace him, hearts full of pride, his siblings look the happiest he’s ever seen them. everyone’s smiling and joyful, just the way he wants. he’s dreamed of this day before, just like he’s dreamed of all his matches. he dreams he makes the winning goal, the crowd screams his name, he spots you, walks towards you and pulls you in for a kiss in front of everyone.

he didn’t care in his vision, and he wouldn’t care in real life either.

/

after the game, the cheerleaders put on a final performance, commemorating your school’s win, marking the end of the event.

mark bumps you in the shoulder, “you have to tell him now. it’ll be the cherry on top to his day today. did you see how he smiled? it’s like he knew he was gonna win all along.”

you’re still seated in the stands with him, even though most of the audience has taken its leave. besides, mark also has friends on the team. he couldn’t leave without congratulating them in person. the team left to shower and change a while ago, so you’re sure your heart won’t settle till you’ve seen and talked to donghyuck in person.

“i have a feeling he did.”

mark chuckles, “he’s a great guy, y/n. and i think he likes you too. just tell him! what’s the harm?”

you press your lips together. “the fact that he might not like me back?”

mark rolls his eyes, “y/n, it’s not a fact if you’re not sure, and you won’t be sure till you tell him.”

he has a point, but doesn’t everyone get a little doubtful when it comes to someone liking a person back? your mind argues with itself, debating, and listing the pros and cons of telling him how you feel once and for all.

just then, a familiar voice interrupts your train of thoughts. “i didn’t think you guys would come.”

you whip your head to the side and see lee donghyuck standing there, having changed out of his soccer uniform to a pair of jeans and a plain tee hidden under his jersey, and his bag is slung over one shoulder.

jesus, fuck. this boy...

“y/n would’ve never missed it.” mark smiles up at donghyuck, who scratches his neck in embarrassment.

you shove mark to the side and get up to stand in front of donghyuck. donghyuck’s eyes widen a little when you extend out a hand, “congratulations on winning the game, donghyuck! that final goal was one for the history books.”

donghyuck giggles...giggles, before meeting your hand in a firm shake. “thanks, um, that means a lot.”

“what do you mean?” you pull away reluctantly, not wanting to let go, but not wanting to look clingy either.

he glances at mark warily but softens his gaze at you. mark sighs, “fine, i’ll leave. make it quick, you two! and no funny business–”

you practically push mark away and after ensuring he’s far, far, away from the stands, you gesture at donghyuck to continue.

“i mean...that i’m really glad you came. i’m also really glad you watched me win. a bunch of colleges sent representatives to watch the game, and a few of them even approached me. i might have a shot at getting a scholarship,” he chuckles shyly.

“donghyuck, that’s so awesome! oh my god...i’m so, so, happy for you!” you grin.

“thanks,” he looks down at the floor, a little flustered. “so, um, i wanted to ask you something. well, more like tell you something.”

you cock an eyebrow, puzzled.

“the thing is...before the game started, i was at the tent and i glanced around the stands to look for you–just to, you know, wave at you or something.” he laughs before continuing, “i didn’t see you, so i thought, i don’t know, maybe you didn’t come? i was...kinda sad. i don’t even know why. it’s not like just because i didn’t see you doesn’t mean you weren’t there. but anyway, i’m really glad you made it. and i’m really happy i won,” he smirks.

you’re not sure you’re able to process his words. they tug at your ears but no avail. they go straight to your heart. they stay there, snuggled together. “donghyuck...what are you trying to say?”

donghyuck doesn’t speak. instead, he sets his bag on the floor, brings a hand around your waist and urges you close. you gasp, but it’s immediately drowned out by the feeling of his lips on yours. the kiss only lasts a few seconds, but to you, it feels like an eternity. his lips are soft, plump and sweet–you wonder what lip balm he uses. he pulls away, grinning.

“woah,” you breathe.

“i’m trying to say that i like you, y/n. and i really wanted to kiss you after winning the game.” donghyuck gingerly twirls a strand of your hair around his finger.

you giggle, burying your face in his chest. he smooths your hair out and props his chin atop your head. “i like you too–a lot, actually,” you say.

he hums, “that’s a relief.” he pulls away to look at your face, admiring every detail, every curve, every feature. “you’re really pretty.”

you roll your eyes, “shut up and kiss me again.”

and he does.

[sometimesrosy]

You are so funny. Can you ever say Clarke was happy with Bellamy? Show a single moment where she was happy with him. You said she was happy with Cillian which is canon. And that was her crush and fling. When did Bellamy ever make her feel that way? A rebound can do that but there's not a canon moment where she was happy and in peace with Bellamy. There never will be too. If you open your eyes you will see but you refuse it :D

I actually said she was happiest before the show started. 

She’s not “happy” and at peace with Bellamy because her partnership with Bellamy is about facing the dangers, the enemies, the death, the war, the violence, the horrors, the responsibility, the impossible choices.

Her relationship with Bellamy is not about escaping from all that. Her relationship is about trusting each other, believing in each other, supporting each other, protecting each other, listening to each other, respecting each other, having each other’s back, working with each other, understanding each other, sharing their feelings with each other, helping each other heal, helping each other succeed. 

She LOVES him. He LOVES her. 

He’s the guy who shares the burden of causing genocide so she doesn’t have to bear it alone.

This show is NOT ABOUT HAPPINESS.

That’s why the only way most of the characters can find happiness is to BE OUTSIDE OF THE STORY. Before the story, during the time jump, while everyone else is sleeping, because they run off into the wilds, on sky ring, or when they are ignorant of the horrors.

This story is a TRAGEDY. 

There is NOTHING about Polis that is happy. Pretty yes. Glamorous, yes. Sexy even. Not happy.

It’s about violence, betrayal, imprisonment. LOVE is not automatically happy. In fact, love makes you vulnerable, it opens you up to be hurt, it can be painful. There’s a reason why L said love was a weakness, because it makes you vulnerable. But in that vulnerability you can find strength and meaning and power.

I don’t think I EVER said that Clarke, Bellamy or Bellarke was about happiness. 

In fact, I think the reason why I came up with the “marperly ever after” theory is that I believe Clarke and Bellamy deserve happiness as a result of the narrative, they’ve done so much work and Monty wants them to live a happy life, and THERE IS NO WAY TO BE HAPPY WITHIN THIS STORY. They have to stop trying fix the world and humanity, stop trying to bring peace to their people, stop trying to save everyone and just allow themselves to have love and be happy and raise a family.

That means they have to leave the story, and “die” or sacrifice themselves in some way so they exit. Like Marper did. 

A moment of happiness is not being happy. Having sex can make you happy, oh yes. So can eating food (and we’ve seen Clarke find that happiness.) Getting drunk, (seen it.) Creating art, (seen it.) Spending time with people you love, (seen it.)

HOWEVER, Clarke is not a happy person BECAUSE she chooses to take responsibility for the safety of her people. And the only person who makes her heavy burden lighter is Bellamy. And she does the same for him.

Happiness. lol.

This is not a romcom.

You say I haven’t opened my eyes to this “happy” interpretation of The 100 and that CL is happy, but BC is not????

CL is a TRAGIC love story. There’s nothing about it that did not end in tragedy, even though they had one (1) moment of happiness getting busy in bed. You kinda need that one (1) moment of happiness to act as contrast for the tragedy, because you need to see how, if things had been different, they COULD have found happiness together. But Lxa RUINED that when she abandoned Clarke and her people. The reason why CL failed as a ship was because L as a character had no honor, was power hungry, and believed love was a weakness. If she was a less flawed character, if she had honor-- it would have been different. They would have become friends and equals as leaders, but L was afraid of Clarke gaining power so had to make her a prisoner and trophy. She fucked up. If L wasn’t so power hungry, she could have allowed skaikru to add their significant skills, knowledge and abilities to the strength of her coalition, but she couldn’t allow that. If she hadn’t been so afraid of love, she wouldn’t have turned it into a power game. 

Bellarke is an epic love story that is not over yet. TOGETHER they manage to save their people and humanity again and again. They work together, CL never did, although they tried, but L was too power hungry to share power.

So much nonsense you spout.

You aren’t talking about The 100 at all. And you aren’t talking about anything I’ve ever said. I never said Clarke was happy. I’ve said Clarke was traumatized. But you want to erase her trauma in s3 and pretend she wasn’t L’s prisoner and L wasn’t trying to kill her people and Clarke didn’t care about her people and everything was HAPPY then. You erase narrative canon for this theory. And then you erase my interpretation to say I am wrong about Clarke’s happiness when I never said Clarke was happy in the story. I LITERALLY said she was happiest before everything went to shit. you’re the one saying she’s happy at all, not me.

But ok. Let’s think. WHEN has Clarke found moments of happiness with Belllamy? S1. When they found the guns. Also on unity day when they were flirting. S2 when she saw he was alive and ran into his arms.  At the fire when they woke up and talked about their hard decisions. S3 on the beach when they hugged. s4 when she looked at him sleeping. also when he came to save her life after she was kidnapped in the rover. s4-5 all while she was on earth and every message she sent him (2199) helped her stay sane and remember who she was. s5 when she saw him again and they hugged. in the ship at the end when he invited her to the bridge. seeing the new planet. s6 exploring sanctum. the lanterns scene when she apoligizes, after he saves her and they hug. then the next morning where they have intimate conversations about fears and hopes and struggles.

So like. There are lots of moment for Bellarke where they have a moment of peace and happiness WITHIN the hard life they have chosen, and they’re all about intimacy and feelings and support and trust and connection.

Not about fucking. 

[petersasteria]

Secrets - Haz Osterfield (Part 1)

Pairing: Haz x Holland!Reader

Requested? Nah m8

((This is my second time writing this bc the first one literally disappeared and the first one had 1,000+ words on it sdbfgsdmhfvdfssv i want to fucking cry and now this second one is just filled with stuff that i can remember from the previous one adfvsfdghhgkfskvx))

*This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.*

* * * *

3 secrets. You and Haz have kept 3 secrets in your whole time of dating. 

1st secret: Dates.

You and Harrison met way before all the fame. Tom has been trying to set you two up for years, but out of all the failed attempts, there was one successful attempt. Like Tom, you are a famous actress and when you and Tom have been cast in a film together, Tom knew that his plan of setting you two up would be easier. Harrison would visit Tom on set often, seeing as he isn’t working for him anymore and you were able to bond more with him.

One day, he finally grew a pair and asked you out on a date. One date turned into two. Two turned into three. After three dates, he finally asked you to be his girlfriend. You obviously said yes and both of you came into agreement that your relationship would be public when it’s getting serious.

2nd secret: Relationship.

After dating and keeping your relationship a secret from your fans for a year and a half, both of you decided that it would be time to tell them. Your first plan was to announce it on Instagram live, but they didn’t really need to announce it that big so you opted for posting a cute picture of you two instead.

Y/IG/N: just wanted to come clean and tell you guys that i’ve been dating him for a year and a half now and i’ve never been happier i love u bitch

To which Harrison comments with: i ain’t ever gonna stop loving u bitch

hazosterfield: dating this girl for a year and a half now x

And you commented: oof we’ve got a long way to go

And indeed you have.

3rd secret: Engagement.

After being together for three years, Harrison is sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He asked your parents out for lunch one day with Paddy and Sam tagging along, because they were bored at home. Harrison didn’t mind, though. He loved them.

“So, why’d you invite us for lunch, Harrison?” Nikki asks.

“Um,” Harrison nervously starts, “I just want to ask your permission if I could marry Y/N.”

All of their faces were priceless! Paddy and Sam looked at each other in shock, Nikki had tears streaming down her face, and Dom was smiling.

“Of course you have our approval!” Nikki cheers.

“We don’t imagine anyone else with her, but you. You’re a great guy, Harrison. You treat her well. So, what’re your plans?” Dom says.

*

After planning for a week, it’s finally the day of the party! The venue is at your parents’ house and Harrison told you that the party is for Paddy, because he did something great at school. You found it odd, because you and your brothers never got parties whenever you’ve accomplished something at school. You figured that your parents only did it to Paddy, because he’s the youngest.

You arrive at the party and start to catch up with Sam and Paddy and your parents since you haven’t seen them in such a long time. Everything was going well until Harrison grabbed a mic and said, “Good evening, everyone! I’m Harrison and I’d like to call my beautiful girlfriend of three years, Y/N, to stand here next to me.”

You looked at your family and they told you to just go with it. You stand next to Harrison and he turns to look at you, “I lied. This party isn’t actually for Paddy. It’s for you, because you’re so great and you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. Your family helped me with this and I want to say thank you to them too.” He smiles.

You look at your family and see that Harry has his camera out and has been filming the whole thing.. y’know for remembrance.

“You’ve made me the happiest man for the past three years and I realized that you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess what I’m trying to say is,” he gets down on one knee and you look at him in shock, “will you marry me, Y/N?”

You couldn’t say anything, so all you did was nod. This made Harrison smile as he slipped the ring on your finger. He stands up and pulls you into a passionate kiss.

Everyone was cheering and everyone was congratulating you.

You kept the engagement a secret for 3 months. You agreed that you would tell the fans when it’s time to look for a wedding dress. And when it was time, you told the fans on Instagram live before leaving the house with Nikki, Charlotte, and Phil.

The fans were extremely happy for both of you and they were constantly checking up on both of you and your wedding plans. Obviously, the date of the wedding was a secret and it was personal, but you filled the fans in on some information that could be said in public.

Months later, your special day has arrived and it went smoothly and it was perfect.

Out of all the secrets that you’ve had, Harrison was the best and you’re lucky that you’ve found someone like him to be your partner in crime for the rest of your life.

* * * *

-not proofread-

Reblog if you liked it!

Tagging my mutuals: @sweetdespairbarnes @fanficparker @myblueleatherbag @tommysparker @lcvelyparkers 

[xcleanx]

So since 2019 is about to end I decided to make a list of people who inspired and influenced me this year and shaped to the person I am today!

@taylorswift - Taylor, of course. Your music has helped me a lot this year, especially during hard times. Everything you say and do inspire me to be a better person, fight for myself and respect myself. Every day I’m so grateful for you and I couldn’t wish for a better role model. Thanks to you I met so many amazing people who became my friends and were there for me when I needed them the most and I will never stop being grateful for that. You gave me so much this year and taught me a lot and you make me proud every day. I love you and I hope to hug you next year ❤️

@swiftlove89 - Gulcan you’re that person who is always here for me and who I know for so long. I will never forget how our friendship started - me asking for the tumblr usernames and you giving me yours and then you reblogging one of my reblogs and then Taylor liking it 🥺 It was back in late 2018 and it was my first notice ever and I will never forget this. Not only because it was the first time Taylor actually acknowledged me but also because you showed that no matter how many notices someone has they still can help others and make them happy. You made 2019 much better for me by being in it. You’re so kind, humble and beautiful inside and out and I’m the luckiest to have a friend like you, i love you so much 💘

@delictay - Marisol!!! Despite that we don’t talk daily I know I have your support literally always. You’re the cutest and I wish I could protect you from everything bad in this world. Every time I texted you this year I felt understood and loved and I can’t thank you enough for that. You’re like my older sister I’ve never had and watching you go from having like 3 notices without any hope for ever meeting Taylor to Taylor herself picking and inviting you to her house and liking more than 20 of your posts was literally one of the best experiences this year. You deserve everything you achieved, always remember that. Thank you for making me feel like I matter and always being open for me, i love you the most 🥺❤️

@lanalovestay - Lanaaa!!! 💖 You’re such a kind, funny and lovely person and I couldn’t be happier to have you in 2019!! Not only you are so amazing but also extremely talented (confirmed by Taylor herself!!!) and scrolling through your blog makes me so jealous ’cause it’s one of the prettiest I’ve ever seen 🥺 2019 wouldn’t have been as fun as it was without our long talks and rants on literally everything!! There aren’t many things I enjoy as much as talking to you, you’re only 16 but you’re one of the most open minded and respectful people I’ve met in my life and I feel like I can talk to you about literally everything and I will never be judged. Thank you for always taking your time to talk to me not only about Tay, school, books, movies and celebrities but also about some personal things you never fail to advise me on. I appreciate having you as my friend more than you know, i love you 💘

@iwatchedallofitfade - Meg my baby I don’t even know where I should start!!! You’ve always been an amazing friend I could rely on. You’re such a lovely, big hearted and funny person and you brought so much happiness into this year. You never fail to inspire me with your independence and strength, you’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met and you deserve absolutely everything in this world. You were there for me when I was at my lowest and you always take your time to help me figure out my problems and at the same time you manage to open up to me and I feel so special you trust me enough to do this 🥺 I know you’re going through a lot right now but I’m praying things will get better eventually and you will feel only happiness and see only daylight. I’m rooting for you so much and sending you all my love today and every day. If there were more people like you, the world would be a much better place and I want you to always know that, i love you ❤️❤️

@troublesgonnafollowswift - Lily I don’t know if you still use this account but I just want to let you know I love you so much and never took you for granted. 2019 was a really rough and difficult year for me in so many ways. You know I had lots of problems with my mental health, you saw me at my lowest and despite that we both know I’m a hard person to deal with you never left. Meeting you was the highlight of this year and hands down one of the best experiences in my life. You were so pretty, funny and lovely on the internet and I would have never thought it would be possible for you to be more than that but you were even prettier and more amazing in real life. I will never forget how hugging you, having lunch with you and talking to you felt like. I don’t even have words to describe how grateful I am that God has put someone like you in my life. When I think about the things that made me happy this year I think about calling you almost crying just for you to make me smile, laughing with you about stupid things and being so excited about meeting you that I almost got hit by a bus when I saw you 🥺 You were making me the happiest and I miss you so so so much and love you even more 🥺💗

@repu2001 - Sami you’re literally the kindest, cutest, loveliest, funniest and the most big hearted person I know. You’re that male friend every girl is dying to have and that person everyone is dying to have in their lives. I’ve known you for over a year and to be honest it was the best time I’ve ever had. You made my 2019 so special, you taught me patience, more self love and you inspired me and still keep inspiring by being strong and independent but also nice and lovely to be a better version of myself. You opened up to me many times this year and knowing I have your trust means more than you will ever know. Because of knowing your secrets and your past I can say without any doubt that you’re hands down the strongest person I’ve ever got to talk to. And the fact that you’ve been through so many unbelievably terrible things but kept on going and now always being extremely lovely to everyone is a proof you’re literally an angel in person 🥺 There’s not a single day you don’t make me proud and every day of our friendship I love you more and more forever and always 💗💗

@tswiftgrande - Soph i know you’re probably sick of me making appreciation posts for you but you’ve been a huge part of my 2019 so here we are again!! I know you’ve heard this many times before but you’re one of the most caring, amazing and beautiful people I’ve met through Taylor. I’ve known you for so long and I’ve seen you in many situations, we’ve been through a lot together, we’ve seen each other being happy but also totally broken and we’ve shared similar experiences. Knowing I have someone I can always turn to no matter if I need advice on my make up or hair or more serious things is something I will be forever grateful for, especially if this person is you. No matter what happens in my life I know I can rely on you and at the same time I know I will never be judged. This year was the worst when it comes to my mental health and I know I was hard to deal with so many times and despite that there wasn’t a situation you weren’t there for me when I needed you. I know you had your own problems but you never made me feel like my problems were less important and that showed me you were my real friend. I just want you to always know I have your back as much as you had and have mine and you helped me become a better person than I was a year ago. I love you the most Soph and no matter what happens I always will ❤️

@taylorkeepdancing - Aner babe!! You brought so much positivity and happiness into my life this year!! You’re such a lovely and cute person and I’m so happy I got to know you and talk to you ’cause you’re always so kind and your blog is so awesome ❣️ We don’t know each other well but I can tell you’re down to earth and that’s not a surprise Taylor loves you as much as we all do 💘 Thank you so much for being nice every time we talked and for helping other swifties to get noticed, I will never forget that thanks to you and you only Taylor saw my face and knows what I look like now 🥺 I love you and I hope we will be mutuals for another few years 💗

@hauntedcats13 - Nesli I’m honestly so glad I got to know you, from our very first talk you were so nice and kind and being friends with you is such an honour, you’re always so positive and you always want to make everyone around you happy what is so amazing and says a lot about you as a person. I’m glad I have someone like you who I can always count on and talk to knowing I won’t be judged or misunderstood. You know I love you so much and I have your back as much as you have mine and I hope to be friends with you for next years ❤️❤️

@comebackbehereswift - Eliana I’m so glad I met you and got to talk to you more this year, I loved talking with you about music, celebrities but mostly I loved talking about Ed ’cause you seemed to be the only person who fully understood my love for him and you going to his concert this year made me so so happy!! You’re such a positive, lovely and funny person and I’m so glad I can call you my friend. I will never forget you and Ella calling me when Taylor liked two of my posts and being as excited and happy as I was. It’s really so hard to find people who are that happy for you and I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I love you so much and I hope we will be friends for next years 💗

@ellagoodhair - Ella despite that we don’t know each other very well I got to talk to you a few times this year and I can say without any doubt that you’re a lovely, funny and caring person who deserves only the best. The fact that you decided to call me when Taylor noticed me despite that we barely talked means a lot to me and shows how humble you are and how much others’ happiness means to you 🥺 I’m the happiest you got your moment with Tay this year ’cause you deserved it the most!! ❤️ I love you and I hope to talk to you more the next year 💘

@thedarkestlittleparadisse - Sara!! Every time we talked this year I had so much fun and there was always a smile on my face, you’re such a funny, open minded, beautiful and kind person everyone needs in their lives. I know I can always count on you no matter what and I trust you so much and I just hope you know I always have your back and I’m always here for you if you need anything. You made my 2019 much better and I hope we will be friends for next couple of years, i love you so much and you’re like my little sister i will always take care about ❤️❤️

@rayanlovestaylor - Rayan despite that we don’t talk that much I totally adore you and love talking to you!! You’re always so kind, nice and open minded and I love how I can talk to you about everything without fear of being judged. Even our the most basic conversations mean so much to me and put a smile on my face, I’m so grateful I had someone like you to talk to this year and I love you so much 💗

@passingnotesinsecrecy - Elif!! You helped me so much this year, you saw me at my lowest and leaving instagram aka the website I made so many friends on, spent hours on, started making my very first edits on and being so attached to and I felt like people didn’t understand how much it took in me to do it except you. I got so many beautiful messages from the people I had to leave but your texts touched me to tears and when I feel unworthy or unwanted I recall them to this day. They literally changed my vision of myself and helped me a lot through my worst days. We didn’t talk a lot back then so the fact that you decided to tell me such beautiful words and then find me here on tumblr to talk to me more means so much to me. Without you my 2019 wouldn’t have been the same and you made a huge, better change in my life. I hope you know you can always rely on me and count on me as well, I love you with my whole heart 💗💗

Also special thanks to other people who also without a doubt made my 2019 much better aka Jenna ( @misss-americana ) for being here for me when I needed someone the most a few days ago and caring about me; Syagmurr ( @daydaylightt ) for being so lovely and cute to talk to; Jason ( @jasonshawwithtay ) for being so unbelievably kind, helpful and lovely; Poonam ( @plorall ) for caring about me and being here when I needed someone a few days ago, Jess ( @jessheartstaylor ) for always being so kind and amazing, I love talking to you so much; Cara ( @girlwiththeswifttattoos ) for being so nice and generous and helping others, I hope you know it’s never unnoticable; Anam ( @loverstann ) for being one of the nicest mutuals I’ve ever had; Auguste ( @auguste-adores-taylor ) for being so adorable and funny, I hope to meet you on the Lover fest next year; Maeve ( @maevelovestaylor ) for being so amazing, kind and lovely and always wanting to talk to me ❤️

I am so grateful for every single one of you and for every person who I crossed paths with this year. You all helped me a lot and made 2019 much better for me by being in it. I love you ❤️

[mittensmorgul]

One thing that stuck out to me about last night's ep was that with all the stuff Michael was saying about why Dean said yes, Dean never actually argued or refuted any of it. I'm not sure if that means that on some level its true, or if Dean *thinks* it might be true, or if its just Dean not wanting to talk about feelings.

Well, we know the data set Michael is working with, but like Metatron failed to understand the full emotional undercurrent of the data set he’d been working with back in s9, for example, Michael just… doesn’t really understand it.

(and with Michael, he doesn’t really CARE about understanding it, as long as he’s getting what he wanted– ie Dean’s silence)

Or to give another example. Toni Bevell’s kinda-sorta accurate (but occasionally outright wrong) but wildly misinterpreted data on the Winchesters back in 11.23 and s12.  (I started collecting this table of disinformation under the tag THE MURDER BOARD! but it eventually evolved into the men of letters vs hunters tag, because boy HOWDY did the MoL have some fundamental misunderstandings about, like… everything…)

But back to this specific scenario, because I think it’s important to look at what Michael said exactly here, because Dean’s response reminded me a heck of a lot of his response to Tony asking him about Benny in 12.02– you know, the vampire you befriended and brought out of Purgatory, she asked him, four years after Dean had last seen him, I mean… not exactly the freshest take on Dean’s speed dial there…

Michael: Well, this is fun.Dean: Get out of my head.Michael: You don’t mean that, Dean, not really. You may lie to them, but, deep down, I know you. I am you. You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ‘gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.’ Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other. And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.Dean: Shut up!Michael: You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes.

Let’s break this down point by point:

- You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.” Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.

Well, maybe Dean has thought that think in the past– like possibly during s4. I mean, in 4.16 he literally told Cas he’d made a mistake, picked the wrong guy to save the world. In his darkest moments, yeah. He’s probably thought Cas had made mistakes. I mean, in 7.02, while clutching Cas’s soaking wet coat immediately after his apparent death, and in the immediate aftermath of a horrific couple of days of feeling betrayed and abandoned by Cas in the worst possibly ways, Dean calls him “dumb son of a bitch” with a hitch in his voice and abject sadness and loss. I mean… This was s7 Dean speaking here, if anything.

And because Michael is Bad At Stories, he thinks this one out of context Bad Thought Dean had a long time ago is an accurate representation of everything Dean thinks about Cas overall. Because remember, Michael wasn’t trying to be honest here. He was trying to hurt everyone, to keep them distracted to buy himself time.

But to suggest that Dean really, truly feels that way about Cas, at his deepest core? It just… whoa that’s so far from the truth as to be horrifying, you know? If Michael actually believes that, then it just serves to prove how terrible he is at understanding stories.

I think it’s at least in PART Michael’s own judgment of Cas based on what HE believes about most of Cas’s actions in this universe, in direct comparison to the Castiel he knew in his own universe. And Cas has already passed judgment and dismissed Michael’s opinions on THAT.

But yeah, it’s also in part because somewhere deep down, Dean’s gotta know that this is something that Cas is afraid of– because Cas has TOLD him, multiple times over the years. From the end of s7 when Cas was ashamed and horrified and consumed with guilt over his mistakes, to the self-doubt that drove him to say yes to Lucifer in 11.10, to his painful need to bring a win home to Dean in 12.19… Dean understands this is one of Cas’s biggest issues. Therefore Michael would understand that saying this out loud had the potential to hurt Cas the deepest.

Let’s move on to the next point, shall we?

-And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.

Immediately after this, Dean breaks in with SHUT UP!

Because there’s got to be some kernel of truth buried in there. I mean, Dean wasn’t happiest hunting alone with John. We know that based on fourteen years of watching Dean struggle to pry himself out from under John’s thumb. Sure, he put on a face of bravado back then, even going back to when he and Sam were kids– like in 3.08 trying to convince Sam that John was some kind of superhero, and putting a positive spin on the horrors he’d spent his life to that point trying desperately to shield Sam from. This is not just a simple issue that Michael has laid down on the table. It pokes at one of Dean’s deepest fears– that Sam WILL abandon him, or will choose a different life, run away to pretend to be normal. And yeah, he’s had to confront that over and over again in the course of the series, but it still hurts. Even if he knows they’re at a completely different place now then they once were about this.

This also pokes at the Performing Dean facade that sprouted from having essentially been placed as the emotional middle man in their family– knowing about the supernatural and protecting Sam from it at all costs. It tore him up, and he erected this safety zone around himself out of self-defense. Yeah, that mask has slipped a lot over the years, and Sam’s had more than a few peeks behind it at Dean’s squishy center, but this was Michael essentially using the fact the facade exists at all as a weapon targeted to hurt both Dean and Sam. Because this is all part of that lie, that everything was hunky-dory with John, as long as they stayed in line and followed orders.

Because heck, that’s kind of how Michael sees himself. He followed all the orders and was disappointed by his father in the end. But unlike Dean, Michael never actually learned to deal with it. Never learned that his father’s orders were maybe flawed. Never learned to think for himself, or try to become better than that himself. He just went right on blaming his own father for his failures. And we KNOW that Dean hasn’t done that. (and I think we’re gonna see that borne out in 14.13, which I am SO excited for)

But this also hurts Sam, because Sam KNOWS that the night he left for college was one of the WORST nights of Dean’s life. It was writ plain on Dean’s face in 5.16, when he learned that it was one of Sam’s “heaven memories.” So again, this is Michael maybe not understanding the context, only reading “WORST MEMORY” and thinking he’s hurling it like a truth bomb, when it’s more of an expired stink bomb…

That said, let’s move on to what Michael thought was gonna be the kicker:

-You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes

Heck, maybe Demon!Dean would’ve had this thought. I mean, Demon!Dean kinda did say something like this in 10.03: 

Dean: You notice I tried to get as far away from you possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you. Maybe I was just… tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire, since… forever. Or maybe – maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life.Sam: This isn’t my brother talking.Dean: You never had a brother. Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what. I quit.Sam: No. No you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family. This family is all we’ve ever had!Dean: Well then we got nothin’.

But like Michael, Demon!Dean was kind of a nihilist, yes? He was driven to demonhood by the literal actual Darkness that only wanted to destroy all of creation. He didn’t care about ANYTHING. Not Baby, not Cas, not Sam… NOTHING. And his entire line of thinking here is just tainted by the worst thoughts he’d ever had on the subject. It was like talking to someone in the midst of a depressive episode. He couldn’t see any joy in anything, and that’s just not the Dean we know and love. It was the bleakest, most hopeless part of him made visceral.

But again, Michael lobbed this bomb entirely without context. The fact that Dean was ASHAMED after the fact of how he acted as a demon, and under the Mark’s influence. Because when he hadn’t had all the best parts of himself submerged into this darkness, we know he’d never in a million years feel that way about Sam (or Cas). It’s like Soulless!Sam telling Dean he just didn’t care about anything, because he didn’t have the equipment to care. So unless you can accept that Soulless!Sam spoke absolute truths about how Sam really feels, then you can’t assume that Demon!Dean truly spoke Dean’s honest feelings.

Because we KNOW why Dean said yes to Michael. It wasn’t about wanting to run away from his family. Quite the opposite. He was willing to throw himself on that grenade in the hopes of SAVING his family. And I don’t think that’s ever been in doubt, by anyone.

And wow, heck, this is getting long…

So I’ll just say, Michael was cherry-picking out of context moments from Dean’s memory bank and making wild assumptions based on them, while disregarding literally everything else we know and love about Dean in order to try and cause Dean, Cas, and Sam as much pain as possible. It was a delay tactic that he was almost relying on to either hit the mark emotionally and lead to immediate surrender, or else baffle and dazzle until his cavalry arrived to murderize everyone for him. And he failed. Because he’s just that bad at stories.

[rqs902]

qcyn ep 11 -- can you believe the finale is tomorrow?!?

this whole texting section was so funnyyyy and i will honorably mention yet again that yao chi texting mc jin in english is so sweet

li ronghao torturing xu longhan iS HIALRIOSUS 

 but i also pity the poor child LOOL

wait can we talk about chen tao’s spelling timao LOL

and chen sijian’s face LOLLL

omg yao mingming’s message is so aww... he mentions liking yixing since he debuted in 2012.......

omgggg fjj and wang yi theyre all so cute and screamy and i loveee 

WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIN MO AND WANG YI’S HAPPY DANCE

oh gosh the8 is really showing us how hard seventeen works to get their choreo super in sync wow they really must work so hard.... wow minghao giving up the center position bc he knows how important this is to these kids... he deserves more recognition as a great mentor wow

oh my goodness.......... li zhenning’s voice shaking as he says to shi mingze “if you can get into top 20, then you’ll have hope” is.... the most heartbreaking......... knowing that shi mingze doesnt.......... they literally were smiling as they went off into this corner to talk and are crying by the time they come out..... can you just imagine how much sadness and stress is constantly looming over these kids’ heads and tearing down at their mental health?? its all hidden and suppressed, but with really fragile borders, so as soon as you pick at the walls, their raw emotions come bursting through... 

this just reminds me that even tho shi mingze is their cool, handsome leader, hes still the youngest in bg project............

can we please talk about how considerate of a friend li zhenning is and has been?? 

and this all took place before zhenning ever ranked into top 9.... so to them, this opportunity wouldve been really important for zhenning too, bc maybe he wouldve really needed it to get into top 9. but at least we know now.... he has enough popularity that they made the correct choice and hopefully more people will notice shi mingze as a result

ZHAN YU’S ARMSSSSSSSSS bo yuan’s hair!! i really like it!!!! wen yechen in pink!!!!!! his voice is so addicting i just wanna hear more of it... it dont matter that zhenning isnt center, he still shines :)) wait wu zelin’s voice i really liked it in retreat and we get even more vocal-like wu zelin here! thats a realy nice purple on qunfeng, hes really rocking this look SHI MINGZE I SAW THAT WINK frick minghao’s dancing is just so satisfying to watch wowow

man he looks so good

wow i live for random zhan yu reactions (imma just collect them here LOL)

after journey and mc jin’s friendship is so cute hahahaha

ok i see why elle thinks chen tao is a visual

wang zhe and wu chengze have both really improved in their stage presence throughout the course of this show aw deng chaoyuan looks the happiest we’ve ever seen him on stage haha zhou shiyuan’s voice is really so cool 

i guess we’ll never find out why gu landi is in mc jin’s group..... is it bc yao chi is here? im sorry i love this song and i love a lot of the kids in this group but can you just imagine how much better this stage would’ve been if it were with more kids who had experience rapping....? last year’s “zero” stage just made such a bigger impression on me...... this is actually really such a contrast im---

ALKSJDLAKSJDLK CHEN SIJIAN’S RAPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST DID THATT!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!??!?!1//!ASDLKJALSKJJ OMGGOHS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! CHEN SIJIAN JUST BLEW EVERYOEN OUT OF THE WATER YOU BEST BET HE DID WOWOW HE JSUT I CANT BELEIEVE HE JSUT INCLUDED AT LEAST 4 NAMES WOW 

IM WEN YECHEN

chen sijian is really the best at writing raps about his bros wow and like also he has the most creative lyrics i really appreciate wow such talent hes amazing!!!

a lost baby..

UNDERAPPRECIATED GU LANDI VISUALS

the face of a legend 

ever since i saw the “time” ballad version, ive had a sneaking suspicion that lin yuzhi is secretly one of the strongest vocalists on this show..... this is the face of talent

idk whose outfit is distracting me more, xu bingchao or xixi’s LOL shao haofan looks so nice here wow and ding feijun is so adorable even tho this is a more mature concept but i still cant see him as anything but a cute child

maybe its the way they cut up the lines but idk this song didnt really show off their vocal abilities that well..... sorry xixi :( i think xixi’s voice deserved better time to shine on this show...... his and feng junjie’s voices are actually both so nice i was so impressed when i saw them singing in the oaca clips

this koala ad makes me very uncomfortable......

wenhan reaches into the box and pulls out..... costco brand blueberries??!?!?/1 hHhahahhahHAHAHHA 

lol yao chi being so sentimental... oh look at this photo of me with bubbles on my face (me: oh no here it come--) OH YEA ALSO CHECK OUT THIS FACE WASH!

wow kou cong!! a face i havent seen in a while aw! i cant believe they filmed all the yaa eps while they all still had colorful hair lol i guess ill never get to see lin mo on yaa /sigh/ or actually any of the tyger members cept jia yi.........

HAHAHAHAHHA YESSSSSSSSS THEY INCLUDED A CLIP OF CHEN SIJIAN’S PHONE CALL !!!! HIS WAS HILARIOUSS!!!! HAHAHAHA I LOVED HOW SIMILAR HIS FAN SEEMED TO BE TO HIM HAHAH 

AAHH AS SOON AS IT GETS TO LIN MO’S ITS THE SAD MUSIC TIME

his was the most heartwarming call.... no bias LOL

feng junjie singing “the great artist” just---

this boy will never stop with the meme faces hHAHAHA

im surprised this section was so short lol i was expecting them to spend more time on this group...

SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN YEA

jolin’s eyes are so wow 

feng junjie with the voice!!!!!!1 

JOLIN THE QUEEN

still kinda wish jia yi had more opportunity to sing on this show......... hes like second main vocalist to zhan yu in tyger but i feel like he hasnt gotten to show his voice much :( he did really well tho!!! he really has impressive stage presence

omg lin mo’s super shy “1 day” ahhhhh 

omg wang jiayi looks like hes about to cry... the poor child....

yixing reaching out to apologize to them.... hes really so caring towards them...... wang jiayi just needs more confidence!! i believe in him too

where did lin mo get this white cap from? lol he chose the pink one..... on a related note, im so happy lin mo got to be in yixing’s group, bc from the beginning with namanana hes really really tried so hard to earn yixing’s recognition, im sure it means a lot to him to be able to learn from him like this and share a stage with him 

yao mingming too, i feel like he really values yixing’s recognition as well

i think all the kids in this group had to have known that picking yixing’s group would be the most tiring and require the most effort, but i think choosing this group regardless just really shows they came here to learn 

A HAPPY BABYYY

omg like yixing is really /teaching/ them and i appreciate that

lin mo and xu fangzhou’s voices!!!!!!

OOF IM SO READY FOR THIS OUTFIT 

ASLDKALSDKJLAK HE WINKED!!!!!!!!!!!

what is this awkward closeup

why does fangzhou have wings lol

i feel like theres a lot of random awkward closeups of lin mo.... should i be happy about this??? LOL i dont think theyre all very flattering but at the same time at least hes got closeups....???? ? ??  

OOF HES GETTING MORE LINES THAN I EXPECTED TOO

you know how ive talked about how i love how much detail lin mo puts into his dancing, including even his slight head tilts? LOOK ANOTHER HEAD TILT 

HAHAHAHHAHA GUAN YUE’S EYES GOT SO BIG HAHAHHAHA OMGGG

ooof lin mo getting to sing the chorus with yixing im !!!!!! im sure hes so grateful for this opportunity wow also i think i mentioned this with namanana but i really think lin mo suits yixing’s dance style, like its a style that hes pulls off really well, so i think he got to shine a bit in this performance :’)

ok i havent said this yet but what is with that thick black fade at the top of the screen its so annoying??? like why you gotta cover the top of their heads??? 

wow we’re really getting a lot of random lin mo shots hahahha is this iqiyi repenting their wrongs from ‘spirit of the knight’ i almost am surprised how yao mingming isnt getting the most screentime but then i remember iqiyi has never favored yao mingming........ /sigh

AYYY WENXUAN AND LIN MO THE BUDDIES

just look at how perfectly tilted / well-positioned lin mo’s head is wow and that gaze wow i just love his stage presence

yea im gonna have to rewatch this perf to gif the lin mo moments.... maybe after the finale tomorrow when ill be like oop lin mo didnt make it in oh well let me just wallow in his talent that the audience slept on by drowning myself in lin mo content (its not like i do that every day already)

LOL THAT CAMERA SPIN WAS SUCH A FAIL YOU CANT SEE ANYONE CEPT WENXUAN ADJUSTING HIS MIC HAHAHHAHA ok on a side note tho im glad wenxuan got to be in this group too!! yuehua’s dancer getting to show us his dancing again :’) and we all know he was discouraged being reshuffled into “maze” and i just wanna say wenxuan deserves more credit for being able to really go out of his comfort zone and pull off the cute concept in “maze” well even tho he didnt want to accept it at first! 

HES PERFECT 

hey yall is it just me or did you see lin mo’s eyes in that really fast flashy bit at the end of the preview for the finale? HAHHAHAHA i couldnt even screenshot it bc it was so fast, but i swear i saw his eyes so i think he was in it LOOOL

JSUT KIDDING I WENT BACK AND TRIED AGAIN AND I GOT IT

I KNEW I SAW HIS EYES HAHAHAHHAHA

oo i havent mentioned this before but i really like the sound of chen sijians voice, even when speaking... 

OMG GU LANDI

OMGGGG MY CHILD YE ZIMING IN FREAKING TARZAN NEXT DOOR??!???

THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!!!! THANKS FOR REMINDING US HOW IQIYI TOTALLY SLIGHTED THIS BOY OUT OF GETTING INTO TOP 35

aw honestly i wonder if lian huaiwei will really not make it tomorrow.....  

omg sun zelin in the ending credits!!!!

OMG ZHAN YU TOOOOOOO

OOF LOOK AT ZHAN YU’S JAWLINE (ooops sorry yechen ahhahhhaa)

they must really like this part of the choreo?? 

BUT I LOVE THIS LOOK ON YECHEN YESSS

lol is this lin mo’s back

tbh im surprised they didnt include lin mo in the ending credits but i think they were trying to make up for the loss of yao mingming time earlier LOOL 

ok well i have about 10 hrs until i gotta wake up to watch the finale so.... now to go watch fjj and hcx’s goodnight dachang HAHAH

[lovixcore]

Lapis Lazuli and Peridot’s Relationship (Raising The Barn) - SU Analysis and Speculation

Writing this, I’ll try to stay unbiased as possible, because if you couldn’t tell, by looking at my blog or current profile picture as of making this post, I ship Peridot with Amethyst rather than Lapis. I did use to ship both lapi//dot and ame///dot, and I loved both when this episode came out, so I wanted analyze this episode and Lapis and Peridot’s relationship again.

Let me start this off with.. if you ship Lapis and Peridot, that’s fine. I really don’t care how you feel about this ship. I think it’s great you can find joy in something that I don’t. Once again, I’ll try to stay unbiased as possible, until I give my opinion at the end.

So Lapis finds out that Steven ran from Blue and Yellow Diamond, which angered the diamonds, of course. And that understandably freaks Lapis out, which makes her want to leave Earth, and take Peridot with. Peridot tries to find excuses not to go, but it doesn’t work on Lapis. And throughout the episode it’s clear that Lapis and Peridot’s relationship isn’t perfect. It’s not all cutesy and stuff like it was made out to be in previous episodes. The problem is Lapis is controlling and that made Peridot scared. They do genuinely care about each other, but Lapis’ issues caused issues for her friendship with Peridot, and Peridot was afraid to communicate clearly with Lapis because she didn’t want to pull a trigger.

 It’s easy to argue that Lapis and Peridot did have a healthy relationship, and they made each other happy. Yea it was the happiest we’ve ever seen Lapis and Peridot, but it felt really forced on Peridot’s end, and they addressed that. As soon as Lapis came, Peridot acted super bubbly and overly happy. But in Too Short to Ride and the end of Beta, while she was still living with Lapis but not with her at the moment, you could see her acting like her ‘old self’, you could also see that in Back to the Kindergarten, Can’t Go Back, Made of Honor, and Reunited. Peridot’s old personality never left, yea she changed, but as shown in those other episodes, where she was without Lapis, she’s always still been the same gem, she’s just been masking it around Lapis for Lapis’ own sake.

Every relationship has an unhealthy factor. Even relationships like Steven and Connie’s, and Ruby and Sapphire’s. But healthy relationships communicate and work through them. “Steven and Connie didn’t do that in that arc” Yea, but they ended up working through that issue, unlike Lapis and Peridot, who failed to do so. Ruby and Sapphire ended up working through the conflict of finding out that Rose and Pink Diamond were the same person. Amethyst and Peridot, who aren’t even in a romantic relationship at the moment, were able to work through their fights and issues multiple times. But Lapis and Peridot failed to do that.

If Peridot was able to communicate with Lapis healthily, and be honest with her, it would’ve worked out. If Lapis’ trauma, anxiety, and depression didn’t overtake her, which effected her behavior in a horrible way and caused her to unintentionally treat others poorly, it would’ve worked out. But it didn’t.

I’ve been in multiple friendships where I was Peridot, and the other person was Lapis. I’m in one right now. It was so unhealthy, and even though I cared about the other person so much, it was so hard for me to deal with it. I’ve had to keep lying about how I felt or ignore how I felt and focus on how they felt only for their sake because I cared so much.

And once again, Lapis and Peridot do clearly care about each other. They clearly both missed each other when Lapis was in space, but I don’t think what they had was healthy. I don’t think Lapis is ready for a relationship, romantic or platonic. She’s not ready for one. I feel like Lapis should focus on herself, focus on working through her issues, and focus on bettering herself before she jumps into a relationship. I’m not saying this as an ame//dot shipper, I’m saying this as someone who can relate to Lapis a lot. I have depression, trauma, and anxiety too. No, I haven’t literally been trapped in a mirror or been the abuser in a relationship, but I can relate to Lapis a lot. I also seem to run away from my issues and avoid them, just like Lapis does. Relying on relationships won’t erase her past, relying on relationships won’t make her a better person. I am glad that Lapis is getting somewhat better at dealing with her problems, I really am, it’s progress. But I feel like getting into a relationship, will be a step back, because it could hold her back. And I’m not saying she should never get into a relationship, I’m saying she shouldn’t jump into one as soon as possible.

So as for Peridot, I feel like if her and Lapis did start a romantic relationship, it would be holding her back as well. As I pointed out earlier, she seemed to be alot more healthier and like herself when she wasn’t around Lapis, because she wasn’t putting on a mask for Lapis’ sake, but also Peridot just spent 2-3 months moving on from Lapis, not fully, but somewhat, thanks to mainly Amethyst. After learning to almost fully move on from Lapis, gushing over Lapis will be a step back.

I do want to see them as friends, and yes, I do want to see them make up. But because of my thoughts on ‘Raising the Barn’, I don’t want them in a relationship. I don’t think Lapis is ready for one, and I don’t think Peridot is ready for one with Lapis specifically. I don’t want things to go back to how they used to be, with Peridot gushing over Lapis and being dishonest, with Lapis being controlling. 

And I also think it would be relatable if Lapis and Peridot stayed ‘broken up’, because break ups happen. In close friendships and relationships. Not everything works out, and that’s okay. That’s okay that things don’t work out. If they really want another romantic relationship (other than Ruby/Sapphire and Connie/Steven), have Peridot move on and fall in love with someone else/pursue a romantic relationship with someone else. Maybe I feel this way because I like ame//dot, I don’t know, but I felt this way while shipping Lapis and Peridot, and I still do.

Once again, if you ship Lapis and Peridot, that’s okay! Please respect my opinion, and I’ll respect yours.

[tamalam11]

5 Ways S5 Failed Us

an I’m-Still-Bitter-Almost-3-Months-Later Post Mortem (part 1/5)

The Tragedy of Harper McIntyre 

The Tragedy of Harper McIntyre is not that she died. In fact, I think Harper and Monty will have the happiest ending anyone on this show will ever get. They lived out the bulk of their years in peace, with the person they loved most, creating and nurturing a life (Jordan) that will carry on their legacy. I’m sad that Marper is gone, but I am also very happy for them and about their collective couple ending. (And Monty’s ending as a person. Dude had an awesome season. Dude saved his friends lives. *sobbing*) And therein lies The Tragedy Of Harper McIntyre- she only got a collective couple ending. In the end, she was a pretty set dressing who occasionally said a throw away line and whose sole purpose was to bolster Monty and at one point said the line that will forever define Marper for me: “Everyone dies, Monty. Lets show them how to live.” (Legit sobbing now. You did, Harper. You did. As much as you could. As much as they let you.) You can search my page for #Give Harper A Story Line 2k18 cause there was more than one instance where I saw this coming. Harper was a warrior. Harper fought for her friends and for what she believed in- fearlessly. I think of her putting herself between Lincoln at the gate and Pike/Bellamy’s angry mob in 3x04. Bellamy tells her move. Asks her to trust him. And she does trust him, because up until this point he hasn’t given her any reason not too; so she moves out of the way. But not before apologizing to Lincoln. Because she cares about him and his feelings and wants him to know that while she’s trusting Bellamy to be doing the right thing, she’s afraid it’s going to hurt Lincoln and she doesn't want that. This tiny scene is Harper to me. Before Marper even exists. Pure Harper McIntyre: strong woman, loving friend, warrior.  

Loving friend, who we don’t see reunite with a single other member of The 100 in S5. Granted she and Octavia were never that close. But the only time we see them interact is, shocker!, when Harper is speaking up for Monty in a group. Clarke and Harper (still not close, but definitely closer than Octavia and Harper) is more of the same, no reunion and one line group interaction only. I might’ve been okay with this, given, as mentioned, their lack of closeness. If not for The Miller Of It All. Harper and Miller were part of Bellamy’s wall defense crew together way back in S1. Harper and Miller suffered through Mount Weather together in S2. Harper and Miller became Guards together and fought, just the two of them, alongside Kane to take Pike down in S3. We see their story lines go separate ways in S4. But that didn’t mean we weren't eagerly anticipating their Season 5 reunion. A reunion that. never. happened. In fact, these two never even share space until the finale. The only words they exchange are a line or two thrown at each other in the heart of war. I cannot express how angry and sad and robbed that makes me feel. Harper McIntyre is her own person with her own thoughts and wants and fears. And her own friends. And on top of not allowing her any kind of story line in S5 outside of Marper, you aren’t even going to give us two seconds of her reconnecting with someone who use to be one of the closest people in the universe to her????? Un-freaking-believable.

5x05. My favorite episode of the season. The end desert scene. Rover comes skidding into frame. Everyone begins to jump out. Madi runs to Clarke who sweeps her up into her arms. We see Monty look around and have a moment with Octavia (but that’s another post). And then. We flash to Harper climbing out of the other side if the rover. And I think HARPER AND MILLER REUNION TIME I AM ALIVE. And then we start to see something flash across Harper’s face. Recognition? Relief? Excitement? Happiness? Who knows. Because .5 secs later we’ve moved off of her. Because god forbid we give Harper any screen time, it’s not like she’s gonna die at the end of the season or anything. They filmed that reunion. I feel it in my gut. That .5 secs of Harper reaction preceded a Miller shot. And they cut it. Go watch it again. You’ll see what I see.  

In summation, I’m exhausted and my nose is running and my eyes hurt because I love Harper and she deserved better. Harper herself. Harper the individual. Harper the solo character. Not Harper as one half of Marper (who I love). The Harper who fell to Earth and earned her place and won friends and survived literally hell and fought for a better life for everyone and lost people and still had the ability to fall in love after all the shit she’d seen. That Harper. She deserved better than to fade into the background. She deserved better than her sole purpose being to orbit around another character and have everything she says and does be about them. And then to die. Season 5 failed Harper McIntyre the individual. And it doing so, it failed us.   

[rpausandwhatifs]

Something Lost, Something Familiar|| The Return of CyRo

A/N: So I’ve been working on this monster of a story for months and I’m so glad it’s finished! I gotta shout out my babies @nevergoodenoughforthetruth, @wishes-in-the--markmark and @nerdynumme-rp for their characters for me to base jump off of. We have been writing together for so long so I hope they appreciate this story!

Vincent got up early today, even after a late night. Leda wanted to hang out with her friends with Isla so that they were doing something normal couples do- take time for themselves and hang out with their daughter separately. His phone woke him up, but he disguised it under his failed sleep schedule. A familiar contact, buried under so many R’s with no face and obviously long forgotten as a way to think that their number had changed.

“Hello, you’ve reached Vincent Cyr, may I ask who’s calling?” 

“H-hey...Vincent..uhh..yeah..I know it’s been a while…”

“Rosanna?!...I-I...What’s up?”

“Well that’s what I called you for,” her throat was so dry and her lips were sticking together. Words from him came so easily in her mind, but now that she was listening to his morning voice, taking in that straight and professional introduction, she was right back to melting.

“I thought you were a business call or some prankster- I didn’t think this was your number anymore…” he said, hushed and panicked.

“I never got rid of the line...Just in case, or my kids got their first real phone,” she said, barey hiding her childish giggle, “I guess I didn’t think you’d have this number either.”

“Then why call it? Why not factory reset and leave it alone forever-”

“Because you’ve always picked up, just like you have now…” she teased him, still keeping her tone even and slow. She wanted to curl up to him again, allow his smokey breath and crackly voice ravish her nerves just like it used to.

“That was, what, gotta be 2 kids ago. You can’t hold that over me, doll,” he rebutted, biting his lip. He was taken aback by her tact and her swift ways of expressing her paramount interests. He pushed his hair back and sighed, “I’ve got one of my own, and she’ll be up any minute, so whatever you gotta say-”

“I need you.”

“You need me? Need me how?”

“I dunno..It’s..You’ve been on my mind lately and- ugh...I dunno- do you think we could, you know, grab some coffee this week?”

“Didn’t you move to Montana?”

“Not yet, not for another year, we’ve been renting in San Francisco...but what are you doing on Wednesday?”

“Rosanna, what’s wrong?” Vincent straightened as he leaned on his other counter in his kitchen, “I’ve got time today…”

The woman relished in his words of concern, his tone changing brought back the hands that would grace her waist and the eyes reading her body in futile attempts to figure her out. The older they got, the better he was. It was almost exciting to know that he’d make time for her, take risks in the name of what they were. She’d always crave that energy, the deep yearning from him, those huge steady hands making sure she was alright. In this state she didn’t think of her himbo. In these moments the whole world was done away even thought everything felt more real and intense than ever. “Really? Uhh...Mark’s taking the kids to LegoLand and the mall with his friends’ kids, so how about you call me then...and you can pick me up.”

---

Vincent took his Cadillac today, it ran so smooth and quietly after he’d spent a couple of years on it once picking it up from a set liquidation sale. This has happened too many times before for him to be nervous, he was more excited to what this experience was going to bring them. He hadn’t seen her since the baby shower and even then, he knew it was all according to plan.

***

“Vincent~,” the girl said, staring off as the lips she loved covered her shoulder and back.

“Rosanna,” he replied back, not stopping as her body slowly fell into his touch, soft moans filling her throat.

“I’m sorry...but the only way you can be at the shower is if you leave.”

“You really like kicking me out of places, don’t you?” 

“It keeps everybody off the radar.”

“Rosie, I’m not as sick as I used to be. I was never that sick where you had to kick me out of every party we’re at...I don’t think you’re being very fair…”

“It seems like the only way...I-I-I don’t wanna lose him…”

“Listen to me, I was leaving my presidency to live my life because you drove me crazy like this,” he admitted as he turned her around and sat her on his lap. “Look at me, Rosie...I want to see you, even though Mark is there. However, you promised yourself to Mark. The less he knows, the more he hurts. You’re not doing him or me any favors by pitting us against one another; we’re adults not kids. Someone is gonna call the cops, someone is going to issue a restraining order. I want to see you at your happiest even if you’re not mine. I just can’t ignore how you make our experiences so negative.”

“Because I don’t need it, I know it’s wrong. Don’t you think I already wish I wasn’t doing...this?! Why couldn’t it have been...ice cream or sugar or smoking? No it’s not. I’ve been trying to quit, at least for the kids. How do you quit a feeling a person gives you? How do you associate not wanting someone when you literally have everything? Vincent, you’re the one thing that I shouldn’t have...a-and everytime I think I’ve had enough, I’m through, that I’m aware that our experiences are setup this way so I don’t want them, at least I shouldn’t- mmmph~!” her rambling was cut-off from Vincent pressing his lips to hers, getting enthralled into the fleeting seconds of the softness, the rush going through her chest.

“Hey, hey...Look at me...I know you’re trying. And I know that you don’t wanna let this go…” he said softly.

“You don’t know me-”

“I know how you feel...That’s how I feel about a lot of things. I just...need you to be okay. Don’t punish yourself and don’t punish me. You’re headstrong, but your heart is weak-”

“I’m not weak-”

“This is your weakness. Stop fighting. Everybody’s got their thing- this...this is ours.”

“Ours…”

***

He waited for the girl as she made sure she went to the effort of locking her door, rushing across the street, staying silent until he drove off. “Isla?” she asked once she was settled into the car. 

“Hm?...Oh yeah that’s my daughter’s name.”

“Did...did you pick it out?”

“Leda had the idea and I really liked the name, so when she got pregnant it was perfect-”

“You got her pregnant?”

“A few times actually...She doesn’t always like talking about it, but we were off and on for a while and I’ve always been home-base for her. You know how she likes to travel…”

“Why her?” she asked with a slight shake in her voice, trying to hide her bitter jealousy of a beautiful daughter with a suiting name. 

“It’s been her for a while, Rosie. It’s actually because of you that her and I exist.”

“R-really?” she asked, barely being able to catch her breath at the incredulous amount of news she was receiving that she honestly never cared about before. 

“Yeah, she had a lot of identity issues when she hung out with you that were very...how should I put this?...”

“Shallow?” she offered.

“Yes ‘shallow’...is one way to put it. She got off on the fact that she hung out with your dirty little secret. She was interested in your pleasure from me and from your life, but she had no life of her own…”

“So...wait, she knows.”

“She knew.”

“She doesn’t know about-”

“Not at all…”

“What...how does she get better?”

“I simply told her that I’d love her even if it killed you,” he chuckled, lighting a cigarette at a red light. They’ve never done this midday, but Ro’s cheeks were beginning to reflect the light’s terse hue.

Ro looked at Vincent intensely, boiling in her upset and frustration. This wasn’t about that, but why did he have to move on with her? Her hands were wringing her bag, knuckles turning white. How dare she thinks she could just take something that was hers, and has always been hers. “Are you fucking kidding me?...” she growled a little, “You weren’t something I wanted to share, but I-”

“You what? You’re mad that she actually had a life and it was with me when you simply left me out to dry and used me and never cared for me like she has? I wasn’t something that you could just hold onto like that forever. It hurt me for a long time. She did you a favor by listening to me when I told her not to tell anyone, because believe you me...she wanted to expose your ass for all that you were worth. She was so angry that you had made me out to be this monster, and she wasn’t afraid to get close and see me for the man that I really was..we were like..drawn to each other. You can’t get mad if I’m still willing to cheat on her to see you-”

“Don’t tell me how to feel, Vincent!” she snapped.

“I’m not telling you how to feel, I’m giving you the perspective you refused to see. I already had to fight with her for years about it. She loved you and she loves me. If anything, all of this isn’t fair to her because all she wanted was a genuine friend, and someone she could be close to. When she found out you weren’t as great as you led yourself on to be and she felt abandoned when she couldn’t see you when she needed you, and went so far to hide it, she saw you differently, which is something that you never wanted,” Vincent defended Leda quickly, but at the same time dreading that she is going to definitely give him the same heat that her friend gave her.

“So I’m supposed to thank you for keeping her quiet?”

“Quiet and happy, not like you’ll give me the credit,” he scoffed as he said it as an addition to his original thought. 

“You don’t deserve credit for that..that’s just you being a dog, like you always have,” Ro bit back, watching as he pulled into the park, “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to this place I found, it’s not far from the place I took you that one time when we were talking the last time.”

The frosty mint car was still bathed in light as he slowly backed into the shrubbery, the crackling and moving of the branches hiding their car, but not the sun rays. He put the vehicle in park, and turned to look at the girl, who was still steaming about all of the things that haven’t changed since they were kids. It hit her how much everything has changed: his glasses had a real prescription, his hair was frazzled and messy like before, but it was obviously from lack of sleep and raising a toddler, a look she knew all too well. “Vincent…”

“Rosie…” he said, looking at the girl as she put her bag down, taking her own messy bun out of its band, “That’s my girl.”

“Does she hate me?” she asked innocently.

“She doesn’t even think about you anymore, because we usually don’t talk about her during these moments...because it didn’t matter to you. I taught her not to care..She thinks that if you guys linked up now, you guys would have something to talk about, you know, she’s a mom, you’re a mom. You both still fuck me..”

“I’m not talking to her about-”

“I know you’re not, that’s why it never happened..”

“You’re...you’re not married?”

“Nope. We decided that it was too much pressure and we have been so busy it’s not something we really wanted to do, but we have a deep...spiritual connection that certainly feels like marriage...so we figured that was enough-”

“So that justifies cheating on her?”

“You’ve not once justified why you come to me knowing that it’s physical cheating on Mark-”

“I can’t.”

“You’re just a naughty girl is all..Naughty girls love bad boys,” he croons, inching closer to her, “Look at me.”

Ro simply follows and looks at the man, her chest doing cartwheels as she bit her lip, “You’re a bad boy..” she says breathlessly.

“That’s my naughty baby doll..now, get in the back,” he orders and she was quick to crawl over the bench seat and settle deeper into the car. Her excitement rising as she kicked off her canvas shoes and pressed her knees together. He got out of the car and took his shirt off, using it to cover the back window and took a snaky hand up the girl’s tennis skirt. Pushing her knees apart and gripped her thigh, which usually fit in his, but didn’t this time around. He slid Ro down as he began to tower over her, the intimidating presence fueling her excitement.

“God~ you’re so strong…” she breathed before he gently leaned down and gave her a quick kiss on the lips before trailing them to her neck, very careful not to leave marks as discussed and get the woman as hot as she usually gets from this gesture, causing her back to arch.

“You’re just weak for me...so hot and so weak…” he whispered, taking his hand further up and feeling a lack of fabric, “You knew exactly what you’re doing..”

“You know...ah~!..I just can’t help myself…” she exclaimed as she felt his fingers go to work, Vincent’s lips returning to hers as they grind out against his fingers, “it just...it just feels so good.”

“It feels good being bad right?..Being my naughty baby for me..just for me,” he teased her, making her blush and working his fingers just right, “You can be as loud as you want here..nobody but me is gonna hear you…” The girl obliged as her hips bucked against his fingers, her small gasps melting into soft moans. She whines as he holds back, then right back to mewling as he worked her over and over without letting her finish. It was purposeful, and full of control, much like her addiction. How he simply feeds into her, but knowing not to doing too much so that it peaks her need and heightens her want. He offers her the ultimate high, teasing it over the girl who was on the verge of screaming out, and panting heavily after being at it for longer than she expected. She loved how he could wear her out, and just when she’s had enough, he pushes her further- giving the girl what she had been pleading for and doesn’t stop so that she can relish in her high. The woman became a whining and moaning mess as she allowed herself to feel it all, the culmination of years of built up excitement and moments of built up frustration, so much so that it makes her lose control, drenching the man’s arm as he had expected. He gave her the relief while plunging kisses into her lips, becoming loose and sloppy as she gave into the weakness as her pleasure died down. He embraced the girl briefly while she caught her breath and looked at the arm she had been gripping, littered with deep bloody scratches from her nails.

“Oh my god~” she breathed, “I’m so sorry…” Ro got up to rush to grab something from her mom bag to help until she was pulled back down, “I broke a rule...I messed it up...I’m so sorry..”

“It’s fine, they feel good...I’ll deal with it later..it'll dry on it's own...Now, you did break a rule,” he said, a smirk building on his face and a small huff, "So there's gotta be consequences…"

"Babe~" Ro giggled as she sat back down, "I didn't mean it."

"I know..I know, I'll go easy on you this time…"

***

Leda had been feeling off lately, knowing that the pressure from the book had taken up so much of her time and Vincent had been working so hard, she thought that maybe tonight they should do something special. Isla played noisily in the living room as she went at her chapters with new vigor. The excitement of her man coming home and finding dinner and their daughter good and fast asleep so they could have some fun.

She receives a call from one of her friends and decided it was a good time to take a break.

"Heyy what's up?" She said, picking the little girl up as she watched her rub her eyes, ready for a nap.

"Something is wrong..where's your husband?"

"Huh?!"

"I feel something off. And you were acting spacey while we were hanging out but you know how the girls are, I figured I called you...is your husband there?"

"Vincent isn't here he had a call this morning and he had to go out and he took his Caddy to the shop for the day, why?"

"When is the last time you were in that car?"

"You're scaring me, why?"

"He's still a dog and I'm trying to figure something out. I don't want you to waste your time on a night for him and he's cheating on you."

"He gave it up a while ago. He's been taking care of Isla with me...there's no way he's still cheating. I can barely tear him away from the Cadillac," she scoffed giggling.

"But once unfaithful is always unfaithful. He doesn't have a need to stop unless he learns...You should call him and check on your husband. I'll come over and watch Isla for you."

"You still never told me where this is coming from. Maybe you ate something and have been having some bad feelings-"

"Leda listen to me...I saw the Cadillac in San Fran...he was with this short girl I couldn't see, are you sure he's only Isla's father?"

Leda pauses, thinking about it briefly, her heart beginning to race as she lays her daughter down for a nap. She tells the girl to come over and makes sure her daughter gets her sleep as she asks to borrow her car and hangs up. She immediately calls him and doesn't get an answer. Any other day the sultry tones of his answering clip would cause her no issue, but she just couldn't leave it today. 

***

"Fuck…" he says a he takes his phone, signaling to Ro to stay silent.

"Vincent where are you?" She asked trying not to sound frantic, "I've been calling you."

"I'm about to leave the shop, why what's wrong is Isla ok?"

"I'm not calling about her, I'm calling about you...my friend was talking crazy about seeing you in San Francisco...which..there's no way right?"

"Why would I be in San Fran, babe?"

"Rosanna is in San Francisco, she just asked me not too long ago if I wanted to do a play date...but how long you think you're gonna be?"

"Really?..Ro is in Cali? I thought she had moved to that culdesac thing with the others," he looked up to meet Ro's eyes, who had been holding her mouth while he had halted his movements, her blush reddening as he moved his hips again and caresses her waist. Ro panicked as a small yelp escaped, his finger reaching up to quiet her, not slowing his movements.

"Oh so she hadn't called you or anything?.."

"Mmh-mmh...she has no reason to, remember? Moved on and all of that," he said as he shifted quietly and bucked his hips, causing the girl to spill a stifled grunt as he kept bringing her closer to losing it, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Yeah...you got a point babe, maybe I'm overreacting thinking of the past again…" she giggled, "Well hey, my friends were telling me about giving Isla melatonin so she sleeps through the night and apparently through a hurricane..so..I got some and I was thinkiiiiiing….that maybe we could..you know..I make some dinner and we could have a little fun…"

"Well why don't you tell me what you think I was doing if I was with Rosie… that usually gets your mind onto other things…I mean, since you're already thinking and it, " he said as he tilted his head back, knowing that he could speed up and watched Ro look at him in surprise, not able to hide behind the intensity between her legs, taking his thumb out of her mouth and sliding it down to play with her clit properly as she heard Leda explain her fantasy. 

"Hmm well I'm thinking you took the Caddy.. picked her up.. probably taking her to that spot in Joshua Tree where we made Isla… eating her out and shit…" She said with a slight giggle, biting her lip.

“Yeah, how does that feel? Knowing that she’s being so fucking naughty and I’m being so dirty?” he asked as the girl on top of him rolled her eyes slowly.

“Heh, well, it makes me feel like you would do all those dirty things to me...and more..” she said with a low voice.

“And more?..Ho ho..shit, you’re gonna make me come home..fuck the positraction and the stabilizer struts right now,” Vincent said through gritted teeth as he shifted and gripped Ro’s hips tighter, quickening the thrusts, “Surprise me for dinner and I’ll see you soon, okay,” he held back his breath.

“Okay Vincent~ Again, I’m so sorry...I love you,” Leda swooned, sighing with a smile.

“Yeah..~ Love you too, sweetheart,” Vincent quickly stated as he hung up and moaned shakily as he threw his head back. 

“Cyr~...!” Ro said hurriedly before exclaiming in the height of her pleasure. Her let her have it, reveling in her satisfaction and the fact that she was actually going to get away with it.

"That's it, that's my Rosie…" he says panting caressing her face lazily, sitting up a little as she adjusts by slinking slowly to his chest. 

"I'll be your Rosie right now...I like how it sounds," she sighed. The girl was still lasting in her euphoria, amplified by the nature they were submerged in. "Mark always says he'd take me on a hike or a nature walk.."

"Oh yeah?..So I'm still a one up in that department-"

"No..no you're not. He just...doesn't have time. He's been so hard at work on like..3 projects and with the kids we just..don't make time for it anymore, lots of empty promises…" she corrected him, playing around with his chest as she skates her fingers around. 

"So because everything else is working, you'll put yourselves on the back burner?" He asked, lighting a cigarette, offering it to her but she refuses.

"No. You wouldn't-" she caught herself. 

"I wouldn't understand, right? I'm a starving actor, writer and director with a growing Twitch audience… Having my daughter took a lot of work, I just couldn't separate that fixing Leda meant fixing everything… so we spend time to each other when we can.. just be us.. you know?" He straightened up to say this, he was proud, and he wanted her to see that a lot has changed where they don't understand each other. His chest sank as he watched his Find My iPhone going off in the front and looks at Ro puzzled.

"Wh-what's that?!" She asked, gasping when it went off, Vincent flagging her to be quiet.

"What?...she fucking didn't believe me...that's what," he says, slowly getting enraged, "Fuck! She's gonna be wherever I go-"

"So just get rid of your phone?.." she suggests.

"I'm sorry that's stupid, even for you.. I have a kid at home and a mentally unstable partner I can't just not have a phone. I'm just gonna have to get rid of you, and this can never happen again," he said, then rolled his shoulders, throwing on his shirt.

"Well maybe we could wait a little, maybe she was looking for her phone because-"

"RO no! This is the exact thing that I was afraid of that would happen, but I thought that meathead would be doing this," he snapped a little as he turned off the notification and the program, "And none of this exists to you, so you think you're about to be blameless...just get dressed.

His phone began to ring as Ro slid on her clothes, embarrassment and fear flooding her heart as she begins to see that this has come to an end. "T-take me home- *gasps*"

"Yes dear-"

"Don't fucking 'yes dear' me you fucking pig liar! I can't believe you thought that I wouldn't fucking check your damn location!" Leda yells, slamming can be heard in the background.

"Leda...take it easy, nothing happened," he tried to say.

"Nothing happened huh?..Hey Ro I hope you know that your husband's waiting for you to come back- yeah I ran into him today and you're supposed to be at home cus you were sick… you're fucking sick alright.. He's not yours anymore, give it up, and leave my partner alone! He probably doesn't even want you anymore-"

"Leda! hey!" He snapped as she hung up. Panting as he looks at Ro, who lost all of her colour. She was stuck in a vortex of fear and realization at her fatal mistake. Her hands were shaking as the day she thought would never come was here. All she could think of was the kids, whether or not they're napping, if Mark made them their favourite snacks. She wanted to just up and nap with her babies, and her she was potentially throwing away all of it. She didn't think she could be so greedy and unaware of how much things have changed. 

"T-take me home.. my babies...I need to see my babies," she said with such distance staring past Vincent in the seat, shaking her head as if to note that she had no idea what came over her. 

"You got it," he sighed as he buckled his pants again and started the car.

***

Reiner went to hug his mommy and noticed a very yucky smell that he’d only smelled when he was out with them. He thought that maybe he went to someplace and it smelled like that after going to the doctor’s. He knew that whenever he was sick he’d take her to the doctor’s even if he didn’t want to go. The boy just loved the way the nurse would ruffle his hair and let him pick from the reels of stickers, but his mommy didn’t have any stickers, not even for him. 

“Reiner, baby, I love you...I love you so much. Mommy and Daddy need you to play upstairs okay? Think of what you want for dinner, it can be anything you want!..Think of the best thing you’ve always wanted! Even ice cream..”

“He shouldn’t eat ice cream for dinner..” Mark commented quietly and somber, he leaned on the hall’s wall nearby, barely within earshot of his son.

“Well, maybe we’ll have a big sundae for desert with whatever you want!” Ro turned quickly from Mark’s sentiment as she put up the baby gate, she could barely lock it as her hands shook uncontrollably. She was trying so hard to not let Reiner know what happened, and what was going to happen afterward, but she had to be a mother, and a loving one at that. He shouldn’t have to pay for her mistakes. She stood up straight and walked over to the bedroom past Mark, who was still in a state of stun and upset.

Mark was more confused after everything that Leda had told him, after everything that Ro had told him, after everything that they had gone through. He knew none of this had to do with him, but the fact that he still had to deal with it was something he had never prepared for, and how could he? As far as he knew, their love was air tight, and had been for a while, he was growing more frustrated at the fact that he missed it, he missed this, he wasn’t more aware. He knew that their whole life wasn’t built on a lie, but that Ro’s might be. He closed the door softly as he ran his fingers through his hair for the umpt-eenth time. “Rosanna...I..I don’t know where to start…” he said his wife sat the edge of the bed, like a child in trouble, turning and playing with her ring, which burned him to think that she had had it on the whole time, “Were...were you even sick?”

“I didn’t feel well this morning, but after you guys left I felt a little better so I was writing and I-”

“So you called him.”

“I didn’t know his number still worked-”

“You called him though, do you understand what I’m trying to say here?”

“Just that I called him.”

“Is...is that the first time you called him?...Is this like..You do understand I have questions, right?” he said, a little louder from his low tone to try and make sense of the room he was in. The temporary two story house he bought for her so that she had a huge kitchen that she could work in that didn’t look much different from the one she had at the Youni.

“It...it’s not the first time, but-”

“So he hasn’t always been harassing you? Obviously if you’re so comfortable with calling someone that you told me, right? Someone you told me should never be near you and if he does then he is bothering you,” Mark said.

“You’re right…”

“So you lied to me…” he said as he rubbed his face with both hands, scratching his stubble in a huge sigh.

“Yes..but Gamma-”

“Mark..please...because I’m rethinking a lot of things right now,” he quickly corrected her as he shook his head at his words that stabbed Ro through her heart. To think that her issues were about to make her lose her Gamma, the one she could never afford to lose.

“Mark…”

“This isn’t the first time you lied to me...that’s what this means..and this isn’t the first time you got caught lying to me to satisfy yourself,” he said, folding his arms and leaning against the door, with a deep breath, “I honestly thought you’d outgrown this, that you had accrued more to lose by acting so foolishly...But to sit here and think of how we’re gonna move on from this...I have to be honest with you, Ro, I’m not entirely sure..”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” her voice cracking a little as she held back tears, “I don’t know...I-I I don’t know what came over me…”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know either...And that’s the scariest thing about all of this...the fact that you’d put your motherhood, our marriage, and your integrity on such a thin line and not expect anything to happen…”

“Gah...uh Mark...I didn’t mean for you to get hurt..I didn’t mean to hurt you...pl-please don’t leave…”

“You don’t get to make that call, because it’s not about your intention to hurt me, it’s about your lack of inhibition...What would need to happen for you to never do this again? Another kid? Another kid that’s not mine? Something would have to keep you busy so that you don’t think about getting into contact with him again…”

“Nothing happened-”

“It doesn’t matter what you did..this is a years-long lie that you kept from me, and I don’t know if I can trust you as a wife...as a mother your integrity is in tact.”

“He doesn’t even want me anymore-”

“I’m not talking about him. I don’t want to talk about him. As your husband and a father to our son, I’m making sure that you’re okay and nobody else. It doesn’t matter, and for once you should take some responsibility-”

“Don’t go there with me, Mark, I may have messed up, but that’s not grounds to be rude-”

“Rosanna...listen to me, I wanted to leave. I should leave, but I’m trying to understand you and figure out what would make this all a little better...Not just for Reiner’s sake, but for our sake. For better or for worse.”

***

"Leda-" his words got cut off by slamming of a suitcase.

"Fuck you!" She looked back into his eyes with a low growl with Isla mindlessly playing with her dolls as she ignored her mother raving on about her problems. "Isla get up!"

"No!"

"Don't talk to me like that! That's MY daughter! We're leaving!" She shoves his chest, causing him to grab her forearms and after some brief thrashing, the woman finally collapsing into him and crying.

"Leda...Leeds, listen...I fucked up, and I'm sorry...alright? I should have really weighed out how...destructive this is-"

"You're destructive...I don't wanna be here...I gotta go…"

"You can go cool off..Isla stays here.."

"My daughter is coming with me-"

"Our daughter is staying here-"

"I'm not comfortable with my daughter staying with her adulterous father-"

"As true as that is, you need to leave her out of this. Think of what that does to her if everytime you have a breakdown she moves-"

"You don't get to make this about her! This is about you!"

"With all due respect, dear, this is about you.. how you're hurt, how you're not going to continue uprooting our family for my mistakes, and how you're disrupting and up-ending everything instead of trying to work it out-"

"And what is there to work out?! You used me and manipulated me and then...shoved that shit in my face! I deserve to be fucking upset, I deserve to make decisions for the safety of my daughter and I deserve to leave your cheating ass-"

"Fine! I'm not keeping you here but where are you gonna go huh?! And honestly you're not stable enough to make decisions as a mother, hence why you're here and why our daughter is staying. She doesn't deserve a life on the run and she has nothing to run from-"

"You hurt me, she doesn't need to fucking understand how unsafe that is!"

"In the same vein, Honey, she shouldn't think that whenever things get tough she can just run away and never work things out-"

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

"Calm..your shit...right now," Vincent stepped towards her, making her back up hurriedly.

"Or what?" Leda growled back at him, "You gonna abuse me and make me stay and shut me up like you always do?...I fucking dare you!"

"Isla stays, but you can go. I'll make sure she's fine and goes to school like she's supposed to. I told you nothing happened and I told you that I deeply apologize for my fuck up...I'm done fighting with you, but you're not taking our daughter with you...you can't. As a father I owe that to my little girl," he says while closing her suitcase and picking up Isla, who still remained without tears. The kiss on her face snapped her out and caused the tears and screaming to come. This sudden change in behavior caused the man to bounce her and walk out of the room, softly consoling his traumatized daughter. 

"Isla...Isla baby mommy's here!..." Leda hurried after them to the little girl's room once she almost immediately snapped out of it but was met with Vincent’s frame, causing her to back up a little, "Vincent… she's crying, let me see her."

"No.. you said you were leaving, that's what happens when adults fight in front of their child and one of them leaves… the child cries… it's normal. She's hurting and scared-"

"I-I won't leave…I-I I'll stay! Now please my baby, she's-" 

"That's not enough. We have to work this out.. she has to know this is over and that it's not her fault and that everything is going to actually be okay…"

Leda stood there, stunned. Although he was talking about their daughter, she couldn't help feeling the same way and being the one that needs those exact words. She let tears fall down her face and her lip quivers as she breaks down. 

***

"Mark… Mark…" Rosanna reached out after explaining herself to console the stunned and hurting man. 

"...I…" he started and sighed shaking his head, "Rosanna...I think...I think I'm gonna need some time… Like we'll share the kids and I'll see you then, but...I have work to do. This… is.. tough for me… it would be tough for anybody. And with everything going on we actually get a little time out of the limelight to… address…. And reassess ourselves...I love you- really i do… but I just… need time."

The woman let the tears fall as she yearned to hold her Gamma, the sullen frame that could shatter at any moment, reluctantly she nods, “Alright...I just...I don’t want Reiner to not have his father…”

“He won’t..I’ll pick him up and see him and all of that and I’ll see you then, but that’ll be it and we’ll just have to see where it goes,” Mark explains, “We can choose to explain this to him or we can...tell him a parent lie..either way, he’s a kid with parents, he deserves to understand what’s happening and why as best we can tell him..he’s not gonna like it..but-”

“He has to know this wasn’t his fault,” she adds, cringing at the fact that their perfect frame of a family has a crack, especially one that she knew could have broken the structure that encloses her life if this was a different time and place. She finally rises, approaching the stocky man who looked lost in thought with his hands on his hips. He shifts, opening his arms to his wife and her sobs, “I’m sorry...I’m so sorry, Gamma. I wish I could just...I’m just so sorry I hurt you..I love you, I love you more than I can explain...You’re my ever after...I..I don’t want you to go…”

Mark sighs as he squeezes his girl and kisses the top of her head, “I know, Roboat...I know you’re sorry..and I know you love me, but...one thing for sure, two things for certain...you fucked up...I..I can’t let this go..at least not right now. I-I have to..I gotta do something...I have so much to think about..this is..just...the part in the epilogue, Ro. We gotta overcome what kept us apart in the first place.”

***

“So you left?” Leda asked with a small gasp.

“I had to do something! Look, I forgave it so many times before and didn’t listen to my intuition that she might be hiding something, but...I just had so many projects that need my attention and I could barely look her in the face after that,” Mark said, weary.

“Vincent was the same way with me, but like...that’s who he is. And I just felt so stupid in the moment that when I tried to leave he had convinced me not to,” she commented bitterly.

“How does someone completely in the wrong convince you that they’re not worth leaving?” Mark asked as he drank his water. The waiter coming by to offer more wine and the man respectfully declines while Leda obliges to another glass.

“At the time, I was obviously thrown into a manic episode because my friend saw his car in your area and actually finding his location really fucked me up...not gonna lie. So I was just gonna take my daughter and go, but he told me that I needed to stop doing that,” she said after swallowing her last of her wine before getting another poured for her.

“Why didn’t you kick him out?...” Mark asked with a pregnant pause.

“I’m living with him, I realistically came into his home with nothing but his daughter- plus, he had the high ground on holding me to being a good mother..” Leda shrugged.

“That’s not a good reason. You’re the mother, you’re allowed to remove your child from an unsafe environment,” Mark added.

“Yeah but I was the one creating the unsafe environment. I was losing my shit and packing while Isla was used to it, but he picked her up and she started crying because she wasn’t used to someone coming in to..I dunno..alleviate the situation she was in. Yeah, he cheated, but we’re not...exactly together, and I forget that sometimes. We’re parents to Isla and I live with him, but like our love is something we don’t have at the forefront...I couldn’t imagine losing or running away from the one person who’s got my best interest in mind even when I’ve convinced myself I’m not worth it..and that I was dragging my daughter along with me. Sometimes a girl needs someone to look up to and to protect her, and...I just couldn’t throw it away because he showed me that some parts of him hadn’t changed,” she explained.

“I had to take a similar road with Rosanna..she..ring or not, I had to forgive her. She tried so hard not to look back and I realized that blowing up at her for her past imperfections coming into the present wasn’t very...understanding of me as a husband. She had to understand that the inevitable wasn’t that I was going to leave, but that she was going to get caught letting those imperfections define and give life to an entity created by her weakness. Even if it was something she never planned on telling me, I had to just remember that she had a life that reflected what she wanted to be, which was perfect, she didn’t want to have to focus on her flaws,” he explained.

“Did your marriage counselor help you with that?”

“Actually my buddy Wade was super helpful in getting me to understand the situation I was in while I buried myself in work, but did I call Dr. Tatlyn? Yes.”

“You called one of our Youni profs?” Leda asked with a scoff, trying not to laugh.

“She seemed to best fit the situation, but she did hand me off to Dr. Jay so that I could maybe get a better look at myself, that’s where the whole forgiveness thing came from.”

“That makes sense yeah...if only I didn’t drop out,” she nodded, sighing, “What were Reiner’s first words?”

“‘I love you,Mommy’...but we all kinda saw that one coming. He’d been working on it for a few weeks, and it really makes her feel better sometimes...how about Isla?”

“She’s been so smart and started walking early, but in terms of speaking she just looked at Vincent and I one day and went ‘Mommy-daddy’...like just woke up and we’re making breakfast and she just says it...Vincent said that she probably had been speaking when we weren’t looking because it was super clear and very rehearsed..but that’s all she has so far,” Leda elaborated. 

“So..what? She’s just running around calling the both of you?” Mark asked with a chuckle.

“She loves it, she calls everybody mommy-daddy right now..” she said almost proudly with a smile. 

“Did you move back yet? Has he said anything else?”

Mark had a sustained silence while he looked at the people around him, carrying on with their dates and drinks, sighing he looked at Leda, “Not yet, but..she’s making it hard for me not to..the feeling is subsiding, but the thought...it just keeps coming up and I can’t bring it up. Letting the past be the past and all that.”

“Hm...I understand…” Leda said with a slow nod.

“Do you really?” Marks asks quickly, “I don’t mean to be rude, or condescending, but it sorta feels like you’re settling.”

“Settling? For what?” she leans back and scrunches her eyebrows.

“A cheater-”

“Before you even finish, Vincent came through on his promises of making us a family. I’d never seen any of that before and he just built it up with his bare hands. Now, he was always honest with me that he’s not perfect and that he’s got demons, but he manages that shit. I see no difference for you and you don’t see me telling you that you settled for something less,” Leda bit back then scoffed, “I’d go so far as to say that he’s just easily influenced.”

“But he’s an influencer-” Mark started, giggling a little.

“Who got influenced by a better influencer. And you’re married to her. I’m just not married to him. Not conventionally, anyway..” she said with a giggle, sighing before looking at her phone, “I gotta pick up Isla for daycare soon, so we should get the check. I really enjoyed this lunch, Mark.”

“Oh anytime! And uhhh yeah I gotta get back and do some editing and livestream for a few so surely if you ever wanted to do this again, just let me know...but before I pick up this check..tell me what’s next?” he said humbly and proudly, scratching his scruff. 

“Uhh well, Vincent got picked up to model for this clothing company and we’re all flying out to New Mexico for the shoot, so that should be a good old time- Isla gets to watch her daddy work.”

***

“Alright and three more,” the photographer said squatting down. Leda held herself as she watched Vincent work his angles and with the soft desert breeze. Her chest felt light as she took in every beam of natural light they angled properly to him and it was almost throwing her into a trance. He looked so strong and stylish, and it made her wonder how such a dog like him could be just as beautiful. 

Meanwhile, Isla toddled around the set, babbling as she held her toy. The girl was tired of the brief flashes and all the adults standing around, and none of it made sense. So she went from her base camp under the food table cloth and saw a pair of shiny shoes with little skulls hanging from them, reaching out to grab them then was interrupted by a voice. “Ohhh my god! Aren’t you a little cutie! You like my shoes, huh? I like your shoes!” The little girl was enamored by the young looking woman with the funny accent and funny words, “Du bist nur das süßeste kleine Baby! Hey, Libby come here, look at her!”

The excitement and the clamoring around the food table finally drew in the couple as they walked over, knowing it was their daughter bringing in all the noise. Vincent saw the girl in the miniskirt and low pigtails, knowing that they were shooting together in an hour and hadn’t been able to get his eyes off of her body or her face- stealing stares whenever he wasn’t with Leda who wasn’t usually into girls, but there was just something about her that just stood out. She could feel Vincent’s attraction to her, and started to develop her own, but something had been holding herself back from deeply trusting her as she held her only child, call it a mother’s intuition. 

“That’s Isla, say hi Isla!” Vincent said as the little girl leaned and fidgeted out of the girl’s arms towards her father’s wanting to smell him and feel his love.

“Mommy daddy!” Isla chirped with a smile. 

“Ohh! And she’s already talking, she must be really smart! You’re Vincent right? We have a set coming up, no?” the girl asked as she took the slim male in.

“Yeah, yeah we do. Forgive me, I’m bad with names nowadays, refresh me-” Vincent said while his daughter hid away in his neck, feeling a nap coming on.

“Oh! Sure! I’m Dasha, and this is my friend Libby! This is our first time in the states! And let me just say your daughter is so beautiful!” she said, “I’d want a baby like her...My mom said that I was too mature for my age to be thinking about having babies so soon, but I mean come on! College can wait if this is what my future looks like! I imagine myself with a husband and a baby bump...the whole thing! It just seems so exciting to me!”

“College? Well, how’d you end up modeling in the states?” Leda finally interjects between them, “I’m Leda, Isla’s mother, by the way, it’s nice to meet you Dasha! I love your outfit!”

“Oh my god! I love your hair!” Dasha piped excitedly, “I think that color is so fitting! And I sent in a few photos and a scout picked me up out of the blue, so I guess you could say I was just lucky,” the girl shrugged, flipping her bang, Libby had tapped her and told her in German that she’s going to get into makeup for her set, the girl quickly responding back and turning her attention back to the family, “You guys are so cute together! Leda, you’re going to be modeling too, no?”

“Oh no no...Thanks but I’m not..I don’t do modeling, I just came along to watch Vincent work,” Leda replied a little bit of a giggling mess, now constantly fixing her hair and clothes. She felt so old standing next to Dasha since her energy was so vibrant and her light in her eyes about having a family could be felt from miles away. It was just something the woman couldn’t place. She was already just too tired and worried about Isla falling asleep on Vincent, who obviously could use a nap since they started so early. 

“That’s so romantic!..God, I wish I could like..be you guys or something! Do you need a babysitter?” Dasha asked with such emphasis, her eyes lighting up as she once again sized up the family.

“Well, you said this is your first time in the states, right? How would that work? Where are you from?” Leda asked with a small suspicion.

“Oh I’m going to start going to school over here when I’m not working. I was talking to Vincent about living in California a little, but I didn’t know he had an opportunity for work or anything,” she said, “I’m from Austria, but I’ve been trying to get away from my mom by living with Libby in Germany, which is how I got this job!”

“Oh..no..I didn’t know you were staying in the states for long..I thought that after the shoot you were going to fly home-” Vincent began as he rocked the little girl on his shoulder.

“Well, I have this work visa and they said that it would be a good time between jobs to get my school visa setup, but eventually I want citizenship...you know? I just love the weather out here and the people are just so beautiful,” Dasha explained, “Maybe you guys could use a nanny or something~”

“Isla’s a handful, but I don’t think we have that kinda money-” Vincent chuckled.

“Yeah I don’t think we could afford- no offense by the way- but I don’t think we could afford to have someone in our loft to watch her...she’s kind of a handful sometimes,” Leda giggling beside her.

“Oh I don’t need much, but you know, maybe we can work something out, you know. What do you do...uhh” Dasha began as she giggled nervously.

“Leda...I’m Leda, and I’m a writer, I used to make videos, but that was a long time ago-”

“Oh my friend is a writer! You guys can get busy with working, how far along are you with getting something out?” the young girl asked.

“Right now, I’m like...breaking my neck to meet deadlines and drafts and proofing the drafts...but I’m about 4 months out from publishing...You know...maybe we should get like lunch or something- if that’s alright with you- and we could get something worked out,” Leda said, the idea sounding a lot better.

“Leeds, baby, you sure?” Vincent asked, looking down at her.

“Yeah, it would be nice to have someone around the house keeping things up and keeping Isla out of danger..”

[renjunvinates]

Lost

Characters: Im Jaebum x You || Choi Youngjae x You

Genre: Angst and Fluff

Length: 2534

So here’s another new story ((-: Enjoy my sad trash story with some fluff. 

~~~~

Today was a special day with Im Jaebum the love of your life. You loved Jaebum more than anything. He was your everything and you were his everything. You and Jaebum were still going strong and you hoped you guys would last forever. On the other hand, you had your best guy friend Choi Youngjae. You and Youngjae have been friends for 2 years. Before dating Jaebum you were head over heels for Youngjae, although you stopped liking Youngjae because you thought he never liked you, but also from time to time you and Youngjae would stop talking and you thought there was no point in liking Youngjae. So liking Youngjae would be on and off for you but no matter how hard you tried getting over Youngjae you couldn’t. Until you recently stopped talking to Youngjae and Jaebum came into your life. He caught your attention from afar but you never acted upon trying to get with him. But one day you heard he and his girlfriend broke up and you were wondering if Jaebum was okay, so you texted him and asked him if he was okay. Turns out he was okay. The next past few days after Jaebum and his girlfriend broke up, you and Jaebum got closer which lead to Jaebum taking Youngjae best friend spot. After that, before you knew it you fell for Jaebum and Jaebum fell for you. 2 weeks passed and you and Jaebum finally got together and decided to date January 17. It’s now April 17 the first day of spring but also your 3 month anniversary with Jaebum.

Although it was your 3 month anniversary with Jaebum,you had small plans later in the day. Jackson begged you to help him with his special event for your best friend Tiffany, because Jackson was crushing super hard on Tiffany (Not Tiffany from SNSD), and Tiffany was your best friend. In all honestly you shipped Jackson and Tiffany super hard to the point where you were super down to help him. You and Jaebum had planned to go out and eat and then head home and just have cuddles and movie marathons because both you and Jaebum decided it was going to be anniversary tradition now. Due to Jaebum being busy all the time you guys wouldn’t have cuddles so often or movie marathons. So cuddles and movie marathons was your most favorite thing to do with him. You spent most of your day just in bed with him and cuddling him and giving him small kisses and watched Finding Dory, Monster Inc, and Ponyo. Kid movies were you and Jaebum weakness. Even though Jaebum seemed sexy and chic he was actually the most cutest fluffball ever. Time passed by so fast you forgot that you had that special event for Jackson. You hesitantly told Jaebum about it, he was slightly moody and angry about it but you told him that this was for your best friend Tiffany and he was nice enough to let it slide. You gave Jaebum the fattest hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “ I love you Im Jaebum, I’ll come back as soon as possible because today is a special day still,” You said while smiling, you blew a kiss to Jaebum and he smiled back and caught your kiss and gave you a finger heart. Your cheeks became bright red. You thought to yourself. “Man, even after 3 months and he still makes me blush like crazy,”

You headed out the door and called Jackson. “ Yah, Jackson I’m on my way. Where do you want to meet up?” You asked. “Ah (Y/N)! I was planning to meet at my house, Tiffany coming over later!” Jackson said excitedly. “Alright,” You replied back. You headed to Jackson house and entered the door. You saw all of your friends even including Youngjae. You haven’t seen Youngjae in a while and from time to time you and Youngjae would talk. Ever since you and Jaebum dated, you and Youngjae faded. Although it hurt, it was best to lock those feelings away and only focused on Jaebum. You greeted Youngjae awkwardly and he did the same. Something about Youngjae seemed super off but you just pushed it off to the side. Jackson came up to you and

gave you a hugged and thanked you for helping him. “(Y/N)! Thank you so much for helping me!!” Jackson said while hugging you. “Yeah no problem! I just want Tiffany to be happy!” You replied back. Jackson was prepping around making sure everything was perfect. You greeted all of your friends and giving them all small hugs. Until finally Jackson started screaming. “GUYS TIFFANY COMING SHHHHH!!” Jackson yelled nervously. Everyone hid and turned off the lights to make the room dark. Tiffany was about to ring the doorbell and until Jackson attempted to open the door calmly but failed. Lets just say he pulled the door too strong and quickly, you peeked behind the sofa and noticed Tiffany face looked quite shocked. “Jackson how did you know I was gonna open the door?” Tiffany asked in shocked. “I’m just slicked like that,” Jackson said with a smirk. You literally wanted to puke, it was cringe. Jackson let Tiffany in the house and she entered in. Jackson pulls out a necklace and puts its around her neck from behind, he then hugs her from behind. “Hey Tiff, I know it's been short but I really like you and want you to be mine,” Jackson said. You took another quick look and saw Tiffany with the most happiest smile you’ve ever seen. She turns around and hugs Jackson and yells out yes. This was our queue to jump out and yell out surprise. “1 - 2 - 3 SURPRISEEEE!” We all shouted. Tiffany screamed in shocked. “What?? What’s all of this??” Tiffany asked. You went up to Tiffany and gave her a fat hug. “It’s your congratulations party for you and Jackson finally getting together,” You said while hugging her. “ AWEEEE, BEST FRIEENNNDDDD DID YOU DO THIS FORR MEEE???” She asked while squeezing you. “Haha… Tiffany I love you and all but this was Jackson’s idea, cos he really likes you,” You said while struggling to breathe. Tiffany finally released you from the hug and took your hand. “Come on, let's go to Youngjae!” Tiffany grinned. You were unsure about going to Youngjae but you decided to just go with it. Before Jaebum came into your life and Jackson came into Tiff’s life, It was you, Youngjae, and Tiffany. The three of you were a trio and would always go out and hang out with each other, but ever since Jaebum came in and Jackson came in. We all split apart and the trio was very unactive. Tiffany dragged you to Youngjae and greeted Youngjae. He greeted back to Tiffany, and greeted you too. Sadly you awkwardly greeted Youngjae again and Tiffany gave you a weird look. “(Y/N), why are you so awkward, you guys are close. Why are you being weird,” Tiffany asked while glaring at you. You looked at Tiffany and just shrugged. “Y’know what, I’m going to leave and you and Youngjae so you two can catch up, and get rid of the awkwardness,” Tiffany said while smiling. You looked at Tiffany and you gave her the death look. Tiffany smiled at you sweetly and went off to Jackson.

The tension between you and Youngjae was really awkward and intense, you didn’t know what to do, so you awkwardly stood there waiting for the tension to break and luckily the tension broke.

“Why are you being so awkward with me (Y/N)?” Youngjae asked quiety. “Youngjae.. It’s just been a while.. Since we’ve talked..” You slowly said. “Well, that doesn’t mean anything.. Does it?” Youngjae asked trying to make eye contact with you. “I mean.. I guess not?” You said looking at Youngjae. “So I heard you and Jaebum are dating,” Youngjae mentioned while looking at you. For some reason that hurt your heart that he mentioned that to you. “Yeah, we are..” You said and looked away. “Well if he makes you happy, then good for you,” Youngjae said. You looked at Youngjae and you saw a small smile. You thanked Youngjae. “Thanks Youngjae,” You said looking at him and smiling. “Well hey, would you look at that you’re finally smiling while talking to me,” Youngjae grinned. You rolled your eyes at Youngjae and you started smiling naturally. “Seem’s like you’re still the same Youngjae.. A huge LOSER,” You said while laughing. “Of course! I’m the best loser out there duhhh!!” Youngjae said. Finally you and Youngjae were starting to getting comfortable with each other again and started talking like old times. “Wow, we haven’t talked like this since forever,” Youngjae said. You nodded and agreed with him. Tiffany walked over to you and Youngjae noticing you guys weren’t awkward anymore. “WELLL, look at you guys now. Talking to each other like besties again!!” Tiffany said with an excitement tone. You glanced over to Youngjae seeing his face turned a little bit red. You wondered why but didn’t put much thought into it. You noticed the time and realized that you should head back to Jaebum.

You told Tiffany you needed to go. Tiffany asked you to stay even longer but you told her you needed to head back to Jaebum because today was your anniversary. Tiffany frowned but she understood the situation. You also told Jackson and he frowned but thanked you for helping him out. You were about to head out but then you saw Youngjae by the door. “Wow, no goodbye for your sea otter?” Youngjae asked. You looked at Youngjae and smiled. “Sorry Sunshine! But I gotta go,” You said. “Do I least get a hug??” Youngjae asked. You were shocked but you decided to hug Youngjae after all you and Youngjae are just friends. You hugged Youngjae and waved goodbye and headed back to Jaebum house. You called Jaebum and told him you were heading back to his place. “Jaeee, I just finished helping Jackson! I’m heading over right now!” You said with excitement. “How did it go?” Jaebum asked. You told Jaebum you would tell him everything once you came back.

You arrived at Jaebum house and entered the house and ran to Jaebum and hugged him from behind. “I’m back babe,” You said with a bright smile. “Welcome back (Y/N),” Jaebum said while looking at you from behind. Jaebum turned around and gave you a tight hug. Both you and Jaebum went to the couch and cuddled again and you began telling him the events at Jackson’s place. You were a bit hesitant about telling him about seeing Youngjae because Jaebum knows about you and Youngjae history. “I saw Youngjae..and we talked..” You trailed off. Jaebum looked at you with those sad eyes. “Really, did anything happen between you?” Jaebum asked with concerned. “No, of course not!!” You shouted. “Good,” Jaebum said, you noticed hugging you tightly. “Hey babe, what's gotten into you all of sudden?” You questioned. “You’re mine (Y/N). I don’t want to lose you,” Jaebum said hugging you even more tightly. You took Jaebum hands and made him release you from his hug and sat back up and looked at him. “Yah! Im Jaebum!! I only love you, and of course you’re only mine too. It’s our anniversary, no sadness, ok?” You said while looking at Jaebum straight in the eye. Jaebum pulled you back down and made you lay back down so he could wrap his arms around you. “You’re such a dork, I love you (Y/N),” Jaebum said. “Yeah, but I’m your one and only dork,” You said while turning around and looking at Jaebum’s face. Jaebum pulled you in closer and kissed you on the lips. You blushed and kissed him back. Then you guys started kissing each other faces: nose, cheeks, forehead. Just anywhere on the face, you guys would laugh like dorks and snuggle into each others chest.

Time past by really quick and you needed to head back home sadly. Jaebum guided you to the door and both of you looked at each other and frowned. “I don’t want to leave yet,” You said while frowning. “I feel the same way, but it’s getting late..” Jaebum said while frowning and trailing off. You hugged Jaebum tightly and kissed him on the lips. You released him from the kissed and  hug and looked at him and smiled brightly at him. “Have a goodnight Jae, I’ll text you when I get home,” You said. “Happy 3 month today, I enjoyed it very much,” Jaebum said giving you a smile. You couldn’t help it but hug him once more. You hugged him once more tightly and released your arms from the hug and waved him goodbye and headed out the door.

You finally arrived at home and you were dead beat tired. Today was a good day. You texted Jaebum and told him you arrived home safely and you were going to go get ready for bed. “Jae, just got home and I’m tired. I’m gonna head to bed early tonight! Btw today was amazing! Happy 3 Month. I love youuuu so much,” You typed and sent it to Jaebum. After finishing prepping for bed. All of a sudden Youngjae calls you for a facetime. You didn’t know what to do, but instead you decided to answer it. “Youngjae, what's up?” You asked. “Nothing, just kinda bored,” Youngjae replied. You looked at Youngjae and noticed he looked very sad. “Youngjae, is there something wrong??” You asked. “Huh? No of course not” Youngjae said with a fake smile. “Youngjae.. I’ve known you for a while now, and you’re giving me a bullshit smile,” You said in a serious tone. “You caught me aha... you know me so well (Y/N),” Youngjae said. “What's wrong sea otter?” You asked with concerned. “I’m just lost??” Youngjae trailed off. “Elaborate,” You said. “Well.. There’s this girl.. I’ve liked her for a very long time, but she’s dating someone.. And it hurts..” Youngjae said cutting eye contact with you. “It’s ok Sea Otter!! Maybe she’ll notice you!” You said trying to lighten the mood. “I don’t think so.. Her relationship with the boy seems stabilized..” Youngjae said. “Well are you going to tell her?” You asked. “Idk.. maybe??” Youngjae replied. You looked at Youngjae and he seemed really sad about this. “Well Youngjae, if you really like her. Prove it to her and tell her!!” You said. “(Y/N).. I don’t think you understand..” Youngjae said. “Youngjae just tell her,” You said. “No, You don’t understand,” Youngjae said with an angry tone. You were a bit shocked, “Look, I just wanted you to be happy.. Sor-” Youngjae cut you off. “NO. YOU DON’T GET IT, BECAUSE I LIKE YOU (Y/N), BUT YOU’RE WITH JAEBUM,” Youngjae yelled. Youngjae realized what he had just said to you and he immediately ended the call. You dropped your phone and it fell to the floor and quietly stood there lost in the moment.

  ~~~~

Jaebum Ver. Youngjae Ver.

If you enjoyed this then wow thanks. There will be a Jaebum ver. and a Youngjae ver. -- If you want to end up with Jaebum that will be the Jaebum ver. If you want to end up with Youngjae then that will be the Youngjae ver.

O . K Thanks for reading 

[our-withe-noise]

Last Chance

Member: Oh Sehun, Byun Baekhyun Genre: Suicide, high school Words: 1.262 Shipp: Sebaek

Single chapter Last Chance: All For You, Byun BaekHyun. 1

I dreamt that I was gone

You were so scared

But no one could hear

Because no one else cared After my dream I woke with this fear What am I missing When I'm done here? The lights of the city were beautiful at night, but tonight its eyes glowed more than anything You called me the 9:00 pm and I remember as I pretended to be cool and serious to meet, all to hide my voice flutters and nervousness that consumed me to receive your call. His plans were simple, out aimlessly, walk around like we always do, go around with no destination or time to get back in. Talk like there's no tomorrow. And accept that it was the best thing I ever did Your smile was wide and your eyes shine more than a whole constellation, and listen to your voice was like sweet music to my ears, for a moment made me forget all the sadness that my heart was carrying. Made a point of memorizing each stroke your, each in your face, the curvature of your smile, the innocence in your eyes and your voice saying that everything would be fine. ... But it's not okay, and I'm sorry about that. I remember how you cried later when I told you what I thought, how I felt. You yelled at me on the other side of the phone and I listened in silence all what you had to say, but I didn't expect it, I didn't expect those sharp words that came out of your mouth "I fucking love you" Was what I feared the most, and I, who avoided the love to the Max, i was also ridiculously in love with you Don't be afraid I took my defeat I shared what I did I'm strong on the surface Not on the inside I've never been perfect But not you was I know you should not be getting it now, after all why I send you're letter? I know that I ignored you all these days, I've avoided you in every way I could, but it's easier. It was painful to see your face, unable to understand why I do this, but I had to do this ... I didn't want you to feel guilty, and I still don't want that, because the reason I put up with a few more months, smiling and getting out of bed with a purpose was you. Baek, you said that you had never seen a smile so sincere in my lips, you barely know the reason of this was you, it's always been you. Feel your touch, hear your voice whispering my name, its icy fingers gently traversing my skin and your smell on me was everything I wanted, and you gave me that. They say that happiness has to be earned, conquered and for days I got this, you made me believe in impossible things and I appreciate that, but I can't, and I'm sorry. Depression is not something you get rid, simply disappears and your life happy forever. She's there, even without my happiest moments, she was always there and I ignored, ignored by us ... But it's getting worse, I hear voices, they are highest, are getting real I've done things and ... Oh I did things to my body and I don't want you to see, everything is a mess and I can't do it, fix it. I don't sleep or as per day, my hair is falling out more than normal and my skin is more sensitive than any day before, I'm not like before ... I'm no longer the cute guy that you met. I called a few times today, but you didn't answer for my number so I left, I went to the pay phone in front of my house and I called. His voice was quivering and fails, you've been crying and cried even more when I found out it was me calling. But I have to say, I had to say those words before it was too late, before I leave "I. You. I love " I said slowly, slowly, and repeat this forever, because it's the truth. I love you, I love you like I never loved anything in my life and I don't regret anything I've done with you by my side, always by my side. And so it's going to be from now on, I will always be by your side Baek, will always be with you.. Your love will keep me alive in your heart and you will be my new and eternal home. You gave me a last chance, one last chance to live freely, live happy and filled with love, filled in for you. I wish I could dry your tears now, to hold you and tell you that everything will be fine as you've always said when I was crying, but believe me, all will be well, be strong. Don't be sad. When my time comes Forget the mistakes I've made Help me leave behind some Reasons to be remembered Don't resent me When you feel empty Keep me in your memory Forget everything else Forget everything else

Today is the day of the first snow in Seoul, then don't cry. Put your jacket warmer, take the red scarf that got it for me-he's yours now, as well as all what was mine-go in that coffee shop that we've always been, smile at people, ask that coffee you were always afraid to ask. It's like if I saw you in front of me, twisting the nose because you don't like coffee, but I swear this is good ... I can see you smell good that comes out of the coffee mug and laughing right away because the steam that comes out of it blurs your glasses. The most beautiful smile I have ever seen. This afternoon just remember the good times we had, the night we left together and sing at the top of his lungs through the small streets of the city. The days when we spent the entire afternoon laying in bed just looking one for the other, taking care and pampering each other, laughing at unfunny jokes and getting lost in sweet kisses and warm. Remember the good feeling that you felt when I were stroking your hair soft and curly. The day I met your family and they kept saying that'd make a cute couple and I agreed with them. Remember all the good times we've spent together, forget everything else, my mistakes and my failures. Keep me in your memory and I will always be by your side Forgetting All the sorrow You've learned to hide so well Pretending Anyone can get And save me from myself I can't be who you are But unfortunately I won't be able to see your beautiful smile more, feel his hands playing with my hair from the nape of the neck, smell your perfume on your skin and drop a smile to realize that I shivered you... So many things I'd like to do with you. Things I'd like you to remember me. I'm getting weaker and weaker, the pills are literally killing me and I don't want that letter if stain of blood. I promised I wouldn't do that again, but this time I'm not managed, but regretted bitterly. Regretted because I am never going to touch you, feel you, loving you. You must already have understood, but let me tell you again: I love you Byun Baekhyun                                                                                             With love                                                                                                 Oh Sehun

[peterslewisp1]

Parent Shares Story on both children needing glasses, for two completely different reasons.

When my youngest, Owen, was a newborn, he had these beautiful blue eyes that would swing back and forth like pendulums. He never opened his eyes outside, and soon I realized he didn’t seem to “see” us.

We found out at only 2 months old that he had a lifelong condition called Albinism, which affected his hair, skin, and eyes. Those early months were long and difficult for me; his vision was so poor that he didn’t recognize my face until he was 5 months old. When Owen was about 6 months old, we saw a wonderful doctor at UCSD that changed our lives and prescribed him his first pair of glasses.

When we found out about Owen’s albinism, we were devastated. No one wants to hear that their child is blind and will hate sunlight for the rest of his life. It was really hard looking into his eyes and realizing he can’t even see me yet. That first year was rough on me, both emotionally and physically. I never felt like I was ever going to get the hang of juggling two pairs of glasses (prescription glasses and sunglasses), a hat, and sunscreen. But as his vision slowly improved over the first year of his life, my spirits lifted and it became our new normal. Now I can’t picture Owen any other way but with cute round frames on his face!

A couple years later, when our older son Jack was about 5 years old, he failed his vision and hearing test in the nurse’s office at school. It was a total surprise when he came home with a note saying he probably needed glasses too!

When we found out about Jack needing glasses, we were obviously completely surprised. He was an early reader — reading before his 5th birthday — and hadn’t hinted at all that he had a difficult time seeing things. But the news settled in quickly; since his little brother has always worn glasses, this was a familiar part of life for us. Now it’s second-nature to us and them, and I love how much they’ve bonded just over wearing glasses together.

“I never thought both my boys would be in glasses, in two completely different, unrelated reasons for wearing them. This definitely took some time to get used to.”

Owen has been wearing glasses for as long as he can remember. It was a little bit of an adjustment to go from his flexible baby frames to hard acetate, but within a day or two he figured out they were easier to put on by himself and loved the newfound freedom. When Jack found out he needed glasses, I think there was a part of him that was actually really excited to be like his little brother; he saw it as a privilege to get to wear glasses! When we were getting out of the car before Jack’s first eye exam, he whispered to me, “I want glasses. But ones that look more grown-up than Owen’s, without a strap on the back.” He embraced them from day one and loves all the compliments he gets.

It sounds silly, but honestly I think there’s a little bit of a grieving process you have to go through when you realize your child’s face will never look the same again. The most important thing I’ve learned (and like to tell everyone who compliments the boys’ frames) is to appreciate how EASY it is to buy and fit JPE glasses. We spent three years going to different optical shops and purchasing over a dozen frames for Owen, and it was frustrating every time. When he broke a pair of glasses or grew out of them, I’d cry because the process of getting new ones was so stressful and expensive. Both boys are now rocking JPE frames, and we’ve never looked back — they’re better looking, sturdier, and more scratch-resistant than any other lenses we’ve had. And best of all, you can adjust them yourself anytime you want, keeping me out of the dreaded optical shop.

We heard about JPE from a friend when Owen was probably 1 or 2 years old, and I remember being so sad that he didn’t fit in the frames yet. I knew the day would eventually come when he’d be old enough, but what I didn’t realize at the time is that Jack would actually be the first to wear JPE frames! We ordered a try-on kit and picked out a pair with him — and made a mental note of the frames we’d pick for Owen to wear in a couple years.

One of the best things about JPE frames are that they’re adjustable at home. Nothing is more awkward than having to go into an optical shop and ask them to fit the glasses you bought online instead of from them! We’ve had at least 15 pairs of glasses in our home, all from different places, and JPE quality is top-notch. The hinges are very strong and durable, and even with rough boys we have yet to get a scratch on our lenses. And trust me when I say you can’t beat the $79 all-inclusive price — over the years I’ve never paid less than $200 for a of glasses!

It definitely was an adjustment for me, but as a parent - you need to give yourself time. It’s a big change that came on suddenly. Your child’s face will never look the same again, and that’s kind of shocking at first! Your kids will mirror your emotions, so if you’re confident, they will be too. One thing we’ve done that’s helped a lot in the adjustment period is giving our kids responsibility and ownership of their glasses. They each have a dedicated place to store their glasses at night (in pockets that hang off the side of their bunkbed). Morning and night, it’s their job to carefully put on and take off their glasses and put them away in the case. Giving them small responsibilities like this and praising them when they succeed has helped our boys respect and take care of their glasses.

Owen is charming from head to toe. He speaks so eloquently in the cutest little voice that makes you eagerly listen to every word he says. You can’t help but instantly fall in love with his inquisitive personality, and his glasses are usually the icing on the cake for people. He is always imagining and building things using legos, blocks, a drawing he’s made, or even the hangers strung together from his bedroom closet. He’s got the wildest imagination and makes sure to share his well thought out, detailed plans for his masterpieces and adventures with whoever will listen. He loves to read and use the CCTV at school that magnifies the pictures in his books. He gives the best hugs and is one of the most thoughtful kids I’ve ever met. Despite the visual limitations of having albinism, he is confident and independent — I love that he never lets it hold him back.

Jack is likely the happiest child you’ll ever meet. Every teacher he’s ever had since the age of two has told me he has the most infectious laugh and smile they’ve ever seen. It’s true — he gave his first smile at five weeks old and never stopped after that! He has high-functioning autism (Asperger’s) and wears his heart on his sleeve. When he’s cheerful he lights up the whole room with his giggles, but when he’s sad he feels it with such deep, raw tears. The way he feels with such genuine emotion is one of my favorite things about him. Most often you’ll find him reading (literally for hours a day) and building flying space ships out of legos. He loves school more than anything else — it’s his favorite place to be!

Thank you so much Alie for sharing your story with us!

Continue to follow along their story at @delightedtobe

from Jonas Paul Eyewear - News https://jonaspauleyewear.com/blogs/news/parents-story-guest-feature from Jonas Paul Frames http://jonaspaulframes.tumblr.com/post/172033556982

[rafaelhillr1]

Guest Feature: Two children needing glasses for two different reasons.

When my youngest, Owen, was a newborn, he had these beautiful blue eyes that would swing back and forth like pendulums. He never opened his eyes outside, and soon I realized he didn't seem to "see" us.

We found out at only 2 months old that he had a lifelong condition called Albinism, which affected his hair, skin, and eyes. Those early months were long and difficult for me; his vision was so poor that he didn't recognize my face until he was 5 months old. When Owen was about 6 months old, we saw a wonderful doctor at UCSD that changed our lives and prescribed him his first pair of glasses.

When we found out about Owen's albinism, we were devastated. No one wants to hear that their child is blind and will hate sunlight for the rest of his life. It was really hard looking into his eyes and realizing he can't even see me yet. That first year was rough on me, both emotionally and physically. I never felt like I was ever going to get the hang of juggling two pairs of glasses (prescription glasses and sunglasses), a hat, and sunscreen. But as his vision slowly improved over the first year of his life, my spirits lifted and it became our new normal. Now I can't picture Owen any other way but with cute round frames on his face!

A couple years later, when our older son Jack was about 5 years old, he failed his vision and hearing test in the nurse's office at school. It was a total surprise when he came home with a note saying he probably needed glasses too!

When we found out about Jack needing glasses, we were obviously completely surprised. He was an early reader — reading before his 5th birthday — and hadn't hinted at all that he had a difficult time seeing things. But the news settled in quickly; since his little brother has always worn glasses, this was a familiar part of life for us. Now it's second-nature to us and them, and I love how much they've bonded just over wearing glasses together.

"I never thought both my boys would be in glasses, in two completely different, unrelated reasons for wearing them. This definitely took some time to get used to."

Owen has been wearing glasses for as long as he can remember. It was a little bit of an adjustment to go from his flexible baby frames to hard acetate, but within a day or two he figured out they were easier to put on by himself and loved the newfound freedom. When Jack found out he needed glasses, I think there was a part of him that was actually really excited to be like his little brother; he saw it as a privilege to get to wear glasses! When we were getting out of the car before Jack's first eye exam, he whispered to me, "I want glasses. But ones that look more grown-up than Owen's, without a strap on the back." He embraced them from day one and loves all the compliments he gets.

It sounds silly, but honestly I think there's a little bit of a grieving process you have to go through when you realize your child's face will never look the same again. The most important thing I've learned (and like to tell everyone who compliments the boys' frames) is to appreciate how EASY it is to buy and fit JPE glasses. We spent three years going to different optical shops and purchasing over a dozen frames for Owen, and it was frustrating every time. When he broke a pair of glasses or grew out of them, I'd cry because the process of getting new ones was so stressful and expensive. Both boys are now rocking JPE frames, and we've never looked back — they're better looking, sturdier, and more scratch-resistant than any other lenses we've had. And best of all, you can adjust them yourself anytime you want, keeping me out of the dreaded optical shop.

We heard about JPE from a friend when Owen was probably 1 or 2 years old, and I remember being so sad that he didn't fit in the frames yet. I knew the day would eventually come when he'd be old enough, but what I didn't realize at the time is that Jack would actually be the first to wear JPE frames! We ordered a try-on kit and picked out a pair with him — and made a mental note of the frames we'd pick for Owen to wear in a couple years.

One of the best things about JPE frames are that they're adjustable at home. Nothing is more awkward than having to go into an optical shop and ask them to fit the glasses you bought online instead of from them! We've had at least 15 pairs of glasses in our home, all from different places, and JPE quality is top-notch. The hinges are very strong and durable, and even with rough boys we have yet to get a scratch on our lenses. And trust me when I say you can't beat the $79 all-inclusive price — over the years I've never paid less than $200 for a of glasses!

It definitely was an adjustment for me, but as a parent - you need to give yourself time. It's a big change that came on suddenly. Your child's face will never look the same again, and that's kind of shocking at first! Your kids will mirror your emotions, so if you're confident, they will be too. One thing we've done that's helped a lot in the adjustment period is giving our kids responsibility and ownership of their glasses. They each have a dedicated place to store their glasses at night (in pockets that hang off the side of their bunkbed). Morning and night, it's their job to carefully put on and take off their glasses and put them away in the case. Giving them small responsibilities like this and praising them when they succeed has helped our boys respect and take care of their glasses.

Owen is charming from head to toe. He speaks so eloquently in the cutest little voice that makes you eagerly listen to every word he says. You can't help but instantly fall in love with his inquisitive personality, and his glasses are usually the icing on the cake for people. He is always imagining and building things using legos, blocks, a drawing he's made, or even the hangers strung together from his bedroom closet. He's got the wildest imagination and makes sure to share his well thought out, detailed plans for his masterpieces and adventures with whoever will listen. He loves to read and use the CCTV at school that magnifies the pictures in his books. He gives the best hugs and is one of the most thoughtful kids I've ever met. Despite the visual limitations of having albinism, he is confident and independent — I love that he never lets it hold him back.

Jack is likely the happiest child you'll ever meet. Every teacher he's ever had since the age of two has told me he has the most infectious laugh and smile they've ever seen. It's true — he gave his first smile at five weeks old and never stopped after that! He has high-functioning autism (Asperger's) and wears his heart on his sleeve. When he's cheerful he lights up the whole room with his giggles, but when he's sad he feels it with such deep, raw tears. The way he feels with such genuine emotion is one of my favorite things about him. Most often you'll find him reading (literally for hours a day) and building flying space ships out of legos. He loves school more than anything else — it's his favorite place to be!

Thank you so much Alie for sharing your story with us!

Continue to follow along their story at @delightedtobe

via Jonas Paul Eyewear - News https://jonaspauleyewear.com/blogs/news/parents-story-guest-feature

from Jonas Paul Frames - Blog http://jonaspaulframes.weebly.com/blog/guest-feature-two-children-needing-glasses-for-two-different-reasons

[singingrandoms-blog]

Next Chapter

Well a lot has happened to me since I last wrote here. I now have a nearly two and a half year old, and am back singing in a band again, which should be bringing me more joy than it is.

What I really wanted to talk about, actually rant about, is the 27 month health visitor visit I got the other week.

Ever since my boy was born I have always found the health visitors I have had completely useless, and all they’ve done is instill fear and inadequacy in me. I have always come away from visits feeling lost, useless and a complete failure. They like to concentrate on the bad stuff and not applaud you for the good. Now by bad stuff I don’t mean parental neglect or anything like that, but the fact that my 2 year old can not point his finger at things he wants is apparently a massive issue.

Now I say that he CANT point, what I mean is that he doesn’t. I don’t know if he can or not because he doesn’t talk much either, so he is probably perfectly capable of doing it, but he just doesn’t. Why it’s a big thing I don’t know, I was too busy crying because these people were telling me my child was way behind other children of his age, and making me feel like the worst mother that was ever born and he should immediately be taken away from me!

The basis of this decision was that my two year old would not perform like a monkey for two people he had never met before who had come into his house, and shoved toys that he had never seen or played with before, into his face. Also they didn’t tell me they were coming to do these tests, if I had known I would have booked it for a different time when, he wouldn’t have been as grumpy about being tired. My main point about all this is that, a lot of assumptions have to be made about your child within a short space of time. My son takes a long time to get used to strange people, he’s quite shy, he even takes ages to get used to new toys, he has trust issues even at two. So basically to expect a 2 year old to perform like that for strangers is a big ask I feel. So he didn’t do most of what they needed him to do in order to fulfil their ticklist, so he has now been referred to a paediatrician in order to have these tests done elsewhere (which I have since found out is putting him in a room with one way glass, with professionals on one side and you and the baby on the other with the toys and various bits, and they look at him for ages while he does, or doesn’t complete these tests) which is even more stupid because he’s less likely to play with strange toys in a strange environment……..Anyway, going back to the main issue. All they conveyed was negativity, there was no advice no help offered, in how I could help him do these things, if there was something I was doing wrong, or something I could do more of to help. Nothing. Just ‘your child is behind, he will be behind at school, and we don’t want that’. So instead of giving me any practical advice they just took their tick list and referred him on to other people, so more useless tests can be done. So angry about it, that my child is reduced to a form, and if the numbers don’t add up then he’s WRONG or something.

So before they left, they wanted me to fill in a questionnaire which would give them more of an idea of how I was doing in myself. Now I had been struggling…………………..a lot. I was finding dealing with a two year old very difficult. I have no help around me other than my husband. No support network, no family nearby, and no friends. So I’ve really felt like I’ve been doing it on my own, all the time for 2 and half years. And as he’s been growing up, he gets more demanding wanting more attention and needing me to do more things with him constantly. And in all honesty I feel like I’ve been losing myself for a while. Literally just identifying myself as a mother and nothing else. So I do their test and they say that it shows that I might have PND (Post natal depression), and I agreed. I think I’ve had it since he was born but never really saw it until the last year or so. Now I look back I can identify certain behaviours from early on like being quite possessive, not wanting to get out and about, and feeling a lot of resentment towards my husband and my child. This resentment had really ramped up over the last year, where I’ve felt like I didn’t want anything to do with either of them and could quite happily walk out and never see them again. Getting really angry and sad at my son, for basically just being a two year old. I didn’t look forward to things anymore, always looked at going out and going away for a few days as a disaster, and it was doomed to fail because he was going to play up all the time and not let us do anything. I dread being at home with him on my own (I work part time and he is in nursery when I work, but he’s with me when I’m not so I don’t get any free time other than work), I feel happiest when I’m at work because I’m not alone with him. All this stuff had been bubbling up for a while and finally someone had told me what I’d suspected. So at least they were good for something.

I explained that I think most of it had to do with me being lonely. Like really lonely. I have no close friends and like I said before my family live about an hour and a half from me. I do sing in a band but we’ve not been together that long, so haven’t quite got to the stage of pouring our hearts out to eachother, and the fact that they are three middle aged men doesn’t help either.

So she said make some plans in order to socialise, like take an exercise class or go to a baby group, so I have a few things in place and will see what happens

I have a follow up visit with her in a couple of days to see how I am. I think the worst thing about all this has been the reaction of my husband and my family, they all act and look at me like I’m about to slit my wrists or something. IT’S NOT THAT BAD!!! I just need to get myself a bit more of a life and not feel like every waking moment is centred on my child. Which also explains why I am trying to get back into writing this as well.

Rant over enough is enough