#they just never confirmed his sexuality period in either game but also never gave him a het ending either

[dimiclaudeblaigan]

i just think it’s very nice that the very first lord who had his sexuality intensely debated at length between being asexual, bi or gay (and has zero (0) hetero endings in either game) is the one who ended up with this line 😌 

[fantasia-monogram]

As the clock strikes midnight, part 2

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / epilogue

♥️ Taeyang x reader (nonbinary, female anatomy) x Jaeyoon; mentions of other SF9 members

♥️ NSFW (~1.7k words); a lot of sex talk and kink negotiation. Mentions of BDSM and kink. No one is 100% straight. Mentions of queerphobia.

♥️ You’re a beast at work, having to be tough to climb up the corporate ladder, but what you never thought of is that your attitude might be intimidating to your long time crush. Luckily, your much more laid back friend is here to help... both of you. Please read part 1 before this!

♥️ Disclaimer: this is just for fun! I’m not claiming that’s how they are in real life, it’s just my imagination doing whatever it wants. Read at your own discretion.

Your impromptu get-together had been going for over two hours already, and you’d loved every minute of it so far. Your motivation had been mostly spending some time with Taeyang away from the workplace, but you had to admit: your other companion’s intentions towards you weren’t clear either. You enjoyed the mystery of it all, even though it was the youngest of your trio that you had your eyes on ever since the training period started.

Well, the mystery would end there, or so you thought.

“I can’t believe I put myself in a drama-like setting, but,” Jaeyoon started, clearly down out of sudden, “That guy reviewing our results… What was his name? Inseong… I might have a bit of a crush on him.”

You stopped in the middle of bringing a cup to your lips, letting your hand holding the latte hang awkwardly in the air. With the corner of your eye, you could see Taeyang doing the same.

“Come on, don’t tell me that you’re…” Jaeyoon whined, shaking his head.

“No, hear me out,” you interrupted. Before you spoke again, you cautiously looked left and right to make sure no one else was listening. Only then, you continued with a hushed voice. “You know, it drives me crazy whenever they call me a she in those international reports. I’m non-binary, I prefer neutral pronouns. I don’t really have to worry about it on a daily basis, until English rolls in and makes me cringe.”

Your friend leaned closer to you.

“Not like I didn’t notice,” he concluded. A wide grin was back on his face. “Do you like boys, though?”

You could tell he was just joking, given his usual flirty attitude, and you didn’t have to answer at all. However, since you started confessing already, you figured you could take it seriously.

“I do, actually!” You nodded, smiling lightly.

You couldn’t believe you could talk about it openly like that.

“Oh, I don’t discriminate, I fuck everybody,” Jaeyoon replied in a seemingly playful tone, although being serious as well, “But right now? My heart belongs to the Quality Department leader.” He finished with a hand on his chest.

You both laughed wholeheartedly, until you noticed Taeyang was silent this entire time. Jaeyoon turned his eyes towards him, with you following shortly.

“What about you?” Jaeyoon asked boldly.

A look of slight panic flashed through Taeyang’s face, and you’d think it’s adorable if not for the crushing possibility of him having objections towards who you were - now that he knew, it could have changed anything.

You really didn’t want to have your heart broken after mere four weeks since starting a new job.

“I… I like g…” Taeyang stuttered, his gaze briefly catching yours. He held tight onto his cup of coffee and looked away, blushing profusely. “People with vaginas.”

“No way!” Jaeyoon exclaimed. Fortunately, he remembered the topic of your conversation and immediately toned it back down. “I’m sorry, I’d have never clocked you as straight.”

“Hey, stop it!” You smacked his bicep, earning an exaggerated wince from him.

Taeyang rolled his eyes and sighed deeply.

“It’s fine,” he stated, putting on a regretful expression. “I get that a lot. I tried everything, but that’s my final verdict for now.”

Jaeyoon kept making inappropriate jokes despite your earlier protest, but you would be lying if you said you were listening to him. Your eyes were glued on Taeyang, even though he was way too busy deflecting your other friend’s silly remarks to pay attention to you.

*

It wasn't the first time Jaeyoon and Taeyang have visited your place; they've been there numerous times before, together and separately. 

It was the first time, however, when they entered the apartment with all three of you feeling equally horny and not even trying to hide it. 

It couldn't have been caused by the alcohol, because you haven't had any, Taeyang only had a couple sugary drinks, and Jaeyoon got completely sober as soon as the words fun night were mentioned. Nothing had been explicitly stated, but all of you - always having been open not just about your sexual identity and orientation, but also your specific attitudes towards sex in general - have reached an unspoken agreement: everyone was getting off tonight, this way or another.

You quickly decided to take turns using the bathroom. When it was Jaeyoon's turn to shower, you were left alone with Taeyang. It was a bit awkward at first, considering his confession from earlier that you barely replied to. As soon as he sat on a sofa in the living room - smelling clean, fresh glow on his face - you took a place beside him, wearing your black satin pajamas already.

Taeyang leaned back and smiled at you blissfully. Only then, he took your hand in his; after holding it for a good minute, he intertwined your fingers.

"I'm so happy," he whispered. 

You really wished to answer in a coherent way, yet you couldn't possibly focus enough to be your usual, collected self - not when you finally had your long-time crush next to you, shirtless, lightly toned muscles and sharp outline of ribs on display.

Maybe you didn't want to shock him by showing this side of yourself so easily, but it was impossible at this point; your prettiest, prettiest boy was here, looking at you as if you were the most precious thing in the entire universe, making your heart swell with love and desire just by that. 

Not used to being so overwhelmed with emotions, you just stared back at him wide-eyed.

"Sheesh, don't tell me you started without me!" 

Jaeyoon appeared in the doorway, hair still wet and adorably curled without usual styling - a contrast to his impressive physique in nearly full glory since he, as opposed to the more reserved Taeyang, decided to step out of the bathroom wearing only boxer briefs. 

It's not like you hadn't seen him like this before, as you'd go to the pool together many times over the past few years (Taeyang always refused the invitation, even though he claimed to be a pro at swimming and even bragged about gold and silver medals he won in national competitions during high school). Yet somehow, this time, the sight hit differently, since you knew what was about to happen. 

"No way," you chuckled; Taeyang let go of your hand, which made your mood deflate a little. "Mind if we eat something first?" 

Everyone was starving after the boring company party, so you all moved to the kitchen. You couldn't hide your amusement over how the apartment looked like a dollhouse when trying to contain not just you, but also two grown men. You gave up on relationships ages ago, so when looking for a place to rent, you had only your own comfort in mind.

"Okay, first of all," you started when everyone was finished with their meal, "Are we all safe? While I was still in the dating game, I was always monogamous and did regular checkups. I haven't had any partners for the past four years." 

You cringed internally saying it out loud, but transparency was your number one priority. 

"I never do anything without a condom," Jaeyoon stated. 

As usual, Taeyang took a while before taking part in risky conversations.

"I do BDSM, but it hardly ever involved actual sex." 

"I can confirm that." Jaeyoon smiled smugly, propping his chin on his hand. 

Your eyes went comically wide at the implication. 

"Wait, what did I miss?! I thought you liked, in your words, people with vaginas?" You gasped, blood rushing to your cheeks. 

Taeyang's face turned equally red, except he decided to cover it with his hand. 

"Y/n, dear, he said that three and a half years ago," your friend explained. 

"Jaeyoon hyung had his part in my awakening as a submissive," Taeyang added, finally daring to look at you, "There was nothing sexual about it." 

"Except for the fact I watched you jerk off," the hyung in question clarified. 

"HEY!" The other guy got flushed again. 

You swallowed heavily, feeling your throat get dry all of sudden. Oh my God. You could barely sit still at this point. 

"We both like to watch," Jaeyoon concluded casually. 

"So… Wait a minute," you picked up, your head spinning from the information overload, "If I understand it correctly: Taeyang, you're a sub. Jaeyoon, we're both Doms."

The guys nodded in unison. 

"We're all into voyeurism."

Again, they confirmed with a single nod. 

"I can't believe. This is too good to be true," you said weakly, shaking your head with disbelief. 

"I have an idea," the older of your colleagues continued, "I don't wanna get too much inbetween you two."

Suddenly, Taeyang squeezed your hand under the table in a way that was borderline possessive. 

"But since it's supposed to be enjoyable for all of us… I could get a bit touchy with Y/n… I suppose watching us would be enough to get Taeyangie ready, am I right?" 

Taeyang looked to the side, his expression serious, but his body language unable to hide the excitement. 

"Humiliate me a little and I'll be fine," he muttered under his breath.

He squeezed your hand even harder. You smiled at the feeling. 

"I have one request for you," you turned to Jaeyoon, "No kissing on the lips, no hands in each other's underwear."

"I'm okay with that," he shrugged.

"You sure?" Taeyang asked. 

"No worries, just focus on yourself," the older guy chuckled, "I'll take care of myself while watching you two have fun." 

Was it happening for real? You felt like you were dreaming.

Taeyang brought you back to reality by bringing your linked hands to rest on his thigh. 

"Do we… go all the way?" He inquired in a shy tone. 

You took your time to inhale and exhale deeply before collecting yourself enough to answer. 

"Yeah, we do."

(to be continued)

[ryukyuan-sunflower]

Response to the Moral Question of the MugenxFuu Romance

This is a full response to an anonymous ask I received: 

“Can I ask why you ship fuugen? Isn’t Fuu a minor and Mugen is 19.”

This is a rather...complex and loaded question. There’s multiple things to address but I’ll start simple and work up from there. I will first go into my personal feelings on why I ship the pairing, evidence, and then the more complicated concept of the character’s ages both in reality, as well as in the fictional anime. Hopefully it will alleviate some distress on the issue. If it doesn’t, and you consider the age gap morally unacceptable, then it might unfortunately serve to make Mugen out to be a morally questionable character, implied romance aside.

The Simple Question: Why do I ship it? 

I ship Mugen x Fuu because it’s implied canon by the creators.

I believe strongly, and have found and provided plenty of evidence in my numerous other posts that support my belief, that Mugen and Fuu were written to have romantic feelings for one another. These feelings were never addressed, acted upon, nor explicitly spelled out for viewers. But the subtle implications of their unsaid feelings added up, episode by episode. The interviews of Shinichiro Watanabe, Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato only solidify my interpretations and findings.

The actual anime aside, here are the links to my posts concerning the interviews, if you are interested.

-Shinichiro Watanabe about Mugen’s Character.

-Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato about Fuu’s Feelings for Mugen in the Roman Album.

I adore the entire cast of Samurai Champloo, as much as by themselves as I do as a trio. I love Jin just as much as Mugen and Fuu. However, I do not see any implication of Jin having romantic feelings with either of them. His romance is canonically with Shino and his role for Fuu feels more brotherly and fatherly to me.

Personally, I am not a “crack shipper”. I am not someone who typically likes two characters and pairs them off together for my own amusement. I have nothing against crack pairings, nor their shippers, but it is not my taste. I enjoy romances that have some type of evidence or backing behind it. So it is not as if I simply ship Mugen and Fuu because I like Mugen more than Jin.

If hypothetically, all the things that happened with Mugen and Fuu happened with Jin and Fuu—if Jin saved her constantly, if Jin and Fuu had strange, intimate moments like the wrist grab scene,  if Fuu jumped in the way to save Jin’s life, if Fuu cried for Jin seven times, if Fuu’s voice brought Jin back from death, if Jin gave up his sword for Fuu—well, I would not be a fan of the Mugen and Fuu ship. I’d be a fan of Jin and Fuu. 

But that is simply not how the anime was written. 

On that same note of liking an implied romance, I am not as interested in blatant romance stories either. Implied, subtle romance is so interesting because it leaves enough clues that one has to find themselves, and then you are able to make your own interpretations and “what if” scenarios surrounding it. This is why I enjoy the story types of, say, the Souls video game series and its related titles. (Demon’s Souls, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, Sekiro). The story lines have to be figured out, and while there is evidence and clues dropped all over, nothing is ever specifically stated. But even so, we can come to solid conclusions that are difficult to disprove, but also never fully confirmed.

Samurai Champloo spells out very little for viewers. Example: Never does the anime state what island Mugen is from. We only know it’s in the Ryukyus. But based on historical evidence, and also symbolism in the show (the paantu and the trees in his flashback) we can assume it’s Tarama-shima or another island in Miyako.

Never do Mugen and Fuu state they have feelings for one another, but it’s in subtle dialogue, numerous times. Most blatant however, is when Sara tells Mugen “It’s as if you’ve never been loved by anyone.” and then Fuu proves her wrong by saving his life by throwing her own in the way, only seconds later.

Their actions fascinate me. Both Mugen and Fuu demonstrate self sacrificial behavior for each other, and show how much they care with actions rather than words. Most of all, I enjoy the romantic trope of “love leads to a character’s redemption.” Mugen’s feelings for Fuu is what redeems him from the sins of his past, and saves him from a life without meaning and only pain, anger and hatred. These aspects of his dark character are highlighted both by the dialogue of Mukuro in Episode 13 and Sara in Episode 21. Fuu being his redemption is also symbolized in her saving him on three separate occasions. The last incident, when she calls him back from death and the Paantu taking him away, is the most symbolic of his “redemption”.

Samurai Champloo is a direct response to the cynicism of Watanabe’s previous work, Cowboy Bebop. Where revenge and the past consumes Spike, ruining his future and love, Mugen is redeemed by love and is able to face his past and press on. 

Here is a fantastic article about the concept of Mugen’s love for Fuu being his redemption and also being a direct response to Cowboy Bebop. 

All of this aside, because of the second comment, I’m assuming that this isn’t necessarily what you were asking. 

“Isn’t Fuu a minor and Mugen is 19?” 

I’m guessing you’re implying that either the romantic pairing is impossible due to their age gap, or it’s morally wrong.

I was conflicted how to answer this, at first. I know this can be a triggering topic. So I decided on providing several explanations. I hope at least one answers the question properly, or at least sheds some light on the issue.

Either it will justify why there is nothing morally reprehensible about the Mugen x Fuu romance, or, it will unfortunately show that Mugen is morally questionable, depending on how the evidence is taken.

First, at 15, Fuu is not a minor in her time period. Second, Mugen is either 19 or 20 depending on the source.

Samurai Champloo is not set in one specific year of history, as the anime is not only anachronistic, it historically takes place in multiple years that could not coincide. In essence, Samurai Champloo is not one year, but “a chanpuru of one whole era.” This era is the Edo/Tokugawa era, which includes the years of 1603-1868.

In the Tokugawa Era, Fuu is considered an adult. She is a young adult, yes, but in the eyes of everyone, she is an adult. This is both historically accurate, and is also demonstrated numerous times in the anime. Fuu’s sexualization and her being seen in a romantic way is never frowned upon by any of the characters in the entire series.

Brief disclaimer: Nowhere in my love of the Fuugen pairing or fan interpretations of the characters’ futures, do I see any sort of sexual relationship between Mugen and Fuu developing when she is 15. After they part ways, is where I like to make my fan conclusions on them meeting again when she’s older.

I also want to clarify here and now, that I’m not a supporter of a 15 year old entering a romantic relationship of any kind, let alone a sexual one in real life. I think that teens should work on themselves and not get swept away by romance and sexuality, especially frivolously. It’s irresponsible and dangerous. But, it’s also unrealistic to believe all young people will never fall in love, whether it’s fake or real. If there happened to be a man who was 5 years older than a girl and the two did develop feelings for each other, I believe nothing should be pursued between them until they are both of age.

Adulthood in the Tokugawa Era

I want to first talk about the concept of Fuu being a minor. In short, she is not a minor in her time period.

To begin with reality first, the life expectancy hundreds of years ago was much lower than now. In Japan now, the average life expectancy is in the 80s. But hundreds of years ago, it was estimated to be about 50. Women in particular had the complication of fatality from childbirth. Led makeup, childbirth, and also STDs were a huge threat for courtesans of the time period as well. Many women died in their twenties.

As for the concept of ”adulthood”, the adult age of 18 only started in the Meiji Restoration (late 1800s- early 1900s) when Japan contacted the west and emulated its practices. The age of 18 being an adult nowadays is largely based on the setup of the education system. Whether 18 is too young or too old is a matter up for debate and varies country to country. 

Specifically, in the Tokugawa Era, the age of adulthood was considered when one entered puberty. This was generally 15 for a male and 12 for a female. 

Here is a link to the full article on the topic of the shifting coming of age, if you are interested.

In the case of aristocratic children, such as boys raised as samurai, the Genpuku ceremony that transitioned children to adults varied in age. During the early Tokugawa era, it was 15-17, while later into the Tokugawa era, during less civil unrest, the age dropped to as low as 13. At this age, these young men could then marry and were likely pressured to do so. Marriages in the Tokugawa Era were very different than nowadays as well. Many nobles and royalty had their daughters married off at young ages such as 8 years old.Though, the sexual nature of these relationships did not develop until the girl was likely of child bearing age, which was in the teens.

Taking the historical 12 year old age into account, Fuu being 15, is then already three years into adulthood. 

Fuu’s Depiction as a Woman in the Anime

In regards to Fuu’s maturity, she has no guardian, nor caretaker, which shows she is an independent adult making her own decisions. Yes, Mugen and Jin are her bodyguards, but they are not her legal guardians, because she does not need one. It is her who commands them and leads them. After they part ways, she is fifteen years old (perhaps a year older based on the time span of the anime) traveling the country alone.

She was forced to grow up very fast. Not only is she an orphan, but Fuu’s resourcefulness allows her to survive on her own. She tricks two complete strangers to escort her across Japan. But Fuu is fully functional as an adult, arguably more than Mugen or Jin in some ways. She works, fishes, cooks, sews, tends to wounds etc. Fuu is by no means innocent to mature situations either. She’s seen Mugen and Jin kill numerous people in front of her, which is traumatizing in itself.

In regards to Fuu’s sexualization,on separate occasions, there are bath scenes in the anime, showing Fuu partially nude. There are also scenes of her undressing. Morally correct or not, it is clear she was sexualized like many young anime females.

Aside from that, here are examples of male characters viewing Fuu as an adult woman, romantically or sexually.

Episode 3 and 4: Fuu is thrown in a brothel. While the legality of her being forced against her will just for the sake of paying off a debt is somewhat in question, the fact that she is 15 in a brothel is not. Brothels were not an undercover organization. It was completely legal in Tokugawa Japan, and Fuu being 15 as a courtesan was not illegal. When an ugly rodent man buys her, it’s served as comedy.

Episode 5: Fuu becomes a ukiyo-e model, the backwards beauty, for Moronobu Hishikawa, who was a real historical figure. This grown man, probably around Jin and Mugen’s age or maybe older, also is not considered a creep for his attraction to her. In fact, it’s not even considered wrong that he paints a nude picture of a 15 year old. Again, because she’s deemed a woman in this time period.

Episode 8: Nagamitsu, who is leagues older than Mugen and Jin, asks Fuu to become the “harem of his heart”. He is attracted to her, sees her as a younger version of his wife when he first met her, and even asks her on a date, to which she accepts. This entire interaction is played off as comedy, and not that he’s some creepy grown man attracted to a minor. More like, he’s a bumbling buffoon. His two sidekicks, the beatboxer and Ogura do not intervene, nor make a comment that it’s wrong he is interested in a 15 year old when he’s in thirties or forties. Because quite simply, in this time period, it’s not wrong.

Episode 16: Okuru tells Fuu that “a woman with a healthy appetite is a good woman” when she is devouring fish.

If you stand firm that it is still morally wrong and all these characters were creeps for being interested or saying these words to a 15 year old, that is fine. If you think it is morally wrong to ship Mugen and Fuu because of the age gap, and refuse to believe that the two are an implied romance, that is fine too. I can’t convince everyone.

However, I will make the counter argument then, that liking Mugen as a character means liking a morally questionable character. Romance and feelings aside, the reason for this is simply how he treats and talks to Fuu.

Mugen’s Questionable Dialogue to Fuu

If shipping them is wrong, then what Mugen directly says and does to Fuu is just as wrong. In my opinion, it makes it weirder if he doesn’t develop feelings for her.

Episode 2: In the original Japanese dub, Mugen tells an unconscious, intoxicated Fuu that he’s going to rape her. “Okasu kureru” is the dialogue.

The English changes this to “Let’s strip her and dump her.”

Episode 11: When Fuu asks why Jin needs to go see a woman when she’s around, Mugen then responds “Because you’re flat chested”, not to be confused with “You’re a child.” When she says her kimono makes her look slender, Mugen calls her a liar and then says “Show me.” He asks Fuu to undress for him and show him her breasts...

Episode 20: Mugen stands up naked for Fuu in the hot spring even though she’s clearly flustered. Exposing oneself to a minor is an offense in the modern era. But he doesn’t stop there. He berates her, and then peeks his head out to look at her naked too.

All of these examples are meant as fluff and comedy too, no matter how offensive they can be. It also implies his attraction, interest and his consideration that she is indeed a woman. This is then furthered in his dialogue with Jin.

Episode 12: When they read Fuu’s diary, Mugen asks the odd question to Jin. “Man to man, what do you think of her?” This “man to man”, implies Mugen wants to know how Jin feels about Fuu as a woman.

As for a debatable canon example, I have the need to bring up the Samurai Champloo: Sidetracked video game on PS2. In Japanese, it is entirely voiced by the same cast as the anime: Kazuya Nakai, Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato. In English, Mugen is not Steve Blum, but Fuu and Jin are the same voice actors as the anime: Kari Whelgren and Kirk Thornton.

In it, Mugen develops an attraction to a girl who looks nearly identical to Fuu: brown hair in a ponytail, big brown eyes, pink kimono, three hairpin beads. The kicker is her name is Yuu. The even bigger kicker is that she is younger than Fuu.

Here are the links to the scenes. Japanese audio is much better, as a warning.

Link to English, Fuu catches them alone and tells Jin “I had no idea Mugen was a cradle robber!”

Link to Japanese: Fuu calls Mugen a “lolicon”.

When the girl asks “Do you like me? You can lie if you want.” he tells her:

Link to Japanese: “Suki da. Uso jane.”

Link to English: “I like you. I ain’t lyin’.”

And the two share a kiss, before she dies. Worth mentioning, Fuu also admits to being jealous about all this and a fortune teller tells Fuu that this is her “heart talking.”

While debatable canon, the video game still highlights this concept that Mugen will even like a girl younger than Fuu (anywhere from 12-14), so long as she resembles Fuu.

If we pretend for a moment that Fuu is indeed a minor in her time period, then that makes Mugen’s actions and comments out to be even worse. Not only is he a pervert, but he’s then a pervert flirting and making sexual comments about a ”minor”.

Underaged Girls and Age Gaps in Other Japanese Romances

If you still believe that there is something morally wrong, regardless of the time period it takes place in, I have more modern examples in media.

Modern Japanese shoujo manga and anime (shoujo being a genre directed at teenage girls) is rife with romance stories of older guys with younger girls. It’s not frowned upon in Japan, and even for its readers in the west.

I will give you some major examples I can think of, off the top of my head.

Inuyasha: Inuyasha and Kagome. Inuyasha is over 150 years old (not counting the other 50 years he was comatose). Yes, he ages slower as a half demon, but that is still 150 years of experience in life. Kagome meanwhile, is 15 years old and does not come from the Sengoku era. She’s from the modern era. If one wants to argue that Inuyasha doesn't count because every decade for him is one year, meaning he’s supposed to be “15 in human years”, then there is the matter of Miroku. Miroku is 18 years old, and fondles not only Kagome who is 15, but Sango who is 16. And he and Sango later become a romance.

Shugo Chara: Ikuto and Amu have an age gap of 17 and 12. While there is a love triangle element, it is debatable that Ikuto is more her true love interest in the manga. This takes place in the modern era.

Dengeki Daisy: Kurosaki and Teru have an age gap of 24 and 16. This also takes place in the modern era.

Incidentally, all of these aforementioned romances share some parallels to Mugen and Fuu in some way. Whether the guy is argumentative with the girl, a homeless wanderer, antagonist by nature, teasing about her lack of a figure, a bodyguard/protector role etc. 

These are just a few of the more pure Shoujo examples directed at young girls.This does not include age gaps between characters, or underaged girls in anime meant for men or adults in general. They can get far more morally questionable, in my honest opinion. Mugen and Fuu barely scratches a surface. There is clearly a cultural gap between Asia and the West and the concept of age gaps, regardless of one’s personal moral stance on the subject.

Mugen and Fuu’s Actual Age Gap and Maturity

In the Tokugawa Era, their age gap of 4 to 5 years is incredibly small. Even nowadays, that age gap is very small, if Fuu was a legal adult in modern times.

Tsuru-himegimi, the real daughter of Shogun Tsunayoshi was 8 years old when she was married to her husband Tsunanori of Kii, who was 12 years her senior.

As for the anime’s depiction of them, there was never a sense of “Fuu is child. Mugen is a man”. It always felt like the two were in a similar age bracket. 

I must ask the question, if Fuu or Mugen’s ages was never revealed, would it change the context of the story at all? If Fuu was older, would it change it? Personally, I don’t think so. In this case, because she is both physically developed and also deemed a woman in the anime and historically, it changes nothing.

Their interactions, their bickering, their attitudes, and the way Mugen yells at her, and the way Fuu reprimands him, it always felt like they were similar. They both exhibited many immature, innocent qualities, as well as adult qualities. It was Jin who had a more mature demeanor, being the calm, responsible one, who would rather not intervene with their nonsense. This is another reason why I see Jin as a father figure to Fuu: a representation of the samurai who smells of sunflowers that she did not have growing up.

These images here show their similarities in behavior quite well. And there are many more examples.

Conclusion

A good, well developed character is not a perfect one. There is no denying Mugen is flawed, morally questionable and sometimes straight out an antagonist. He steals, he kills, he was an ex-pirate who likely raided and pillaged… Realistically, he would have no qualms about being attracted or developing feelings for a woman who is 4 or 5 years his junior, let alone the other crazy stuff he’s done. Especially when, in their time period, there is nothing wrong about it at all.

Regardless if his morality is in question or not, what makes the implied romance so interesting is the fact that he didn’t act upon anything sexually with Fuu. His actions towards her were selfless, and Mugen developed greatly by the end. But because of his actions and words,and jealousy, it does not come off as simply a sibling or familial relationship that the two have. This differs from how Jin and Fuu interact.

Most importantly, Fuu serves as the catalyst for Mugen’s growth and redemption of his sins. Unlike Jin, Mugen saves Fuu time and and time again, making him her hero, despite being seemingly an ex-criminal that only works in self interest. Jin did not require this change, as he was always an honorable samurai from the start.

Both men found purpose for different reasons.

Mugen needed love.

Jin needed duty.

I think that covers everything. Well, unless your question is simply why do I ship them when the characters are young and I’m older than them.

As of the time of making this post, I am a 23 years old woman. The first time I ever set eyes on the anime, I was 8 or 9 years old. As a kid, I had my first innocent, childlike suspicion of a romance between them when Mugen first went to save Fuu from the “bad place”, being the brothel in episode 4 without any reason to, while Jin didn’t. Also, he saved her in Ep 1 and 2 and Jin didn’t.

The first time I got to watch the whole anime, I was 13 and saw the full story play out. And at that point, I was more convinced. Over the years, I rewatched, looked into a lot of the history and symbolism used in the anime, analyzed the episodes, and I became more convinced. I shipped it when I was Fuu’s age of 15. I shipped it when I was Mugen’s age of 19/20. And, I will likely continue to cherish the beautiful story of Samurai Champloo and the implied subtle romance of Mugen and Fuu for years to come.

Perhaps it is a reminder of the purity and innocent nature of love for me. These two did more for each other, cared more for each other, and were more entertaining with each other than so many cliche, blatant romance stories.

[smolbeandrabbles]

Kiss Me Quiet - Nolan Sorrento x Reader (Ready Player One)

GIF Credit: X @wltz-bby​ @happyskywhale​ 

‘Tell me something good’ is fantastic line context for later... FYI.😏😏

Author’s Note: Requested by @slurpin! Thank you SO much for your request! Especially as it’s Nolan 🥰🥰🥰

Well if there’s one good thing to come out of my slight writing (and life in general) spiral, it’s the first few paragraphs of this fic!

Also this went through three songs before I landed on this one, by accident on youtube as ever, and I loved it *so* much that it had to be the one I used. Kiss Me Quiet - Jess Moskaluke

Disclaimer: RPO naught to do with me / Of course we’re referencing Lacero again / gifs & lyrics not mine Premise: There’s been a lot weighing on your mind recently, even though you’re on holiday. Nolan Sorrento wants to cheer you up, and he’s got a good bottle of wine... Words: 2727 Warnings: sexual connotations / some sexy shenanigans / dirty talk / swearing / drinking.

____

You're laying back chill, biting your tongue Taking it in, looking like you love Listening to me run my pretty little mouth And the sweet soft sound as the words fall out

Oh it's a sexy little dance You watching me talking with my hands Oh and you know I won't quit That look like you're trying to resist my lips says

Tell me what you want, where you wanna go Tell me who you are, what you think Yeah you're smiling like you wanna know All my crazy friends, boy I'll make you laugh Talking 'bout Panama City, best spring break I ever had Baby I know what you want When you crank my favorite song So I'll sing along, yeah, sing along Sing up a riot 'Till you kiss me quiet I'll keep going on and on until you kiss me quiet

Can you keep a secret, I'll whisper in your ear Boy, I'll make you hang onto every word you hear I'll keep spilling it, you keep listening till you can't hold back no more

I'll tell you what I want, where I wanna go Tell you who I am, what I think Yeah you're smiling like you wanna know All my crazy friends, boy I'll make you laugh Taking 'bout Panama City, best spring break I ever had Baby, I know what you want When you crank my favorite song So I'll sing along, yeah, sing along Sing up a riot 'Till you kiss me quiet

---

“How are you feeling?” Was such an odd question to be asked when on top of a hill, in the quiet, in sunshine, looking out over the serene view of Sorrento and the sweeping bay. Gorgeous sapphire blue sea stretching out towards the rest of mainland Europe. It wasn’t that he was asking you how you were feeling, but the tone Nolan was asking it in.

“Hmm?” You looked up at him, the way his blue eyes studied you with careful interest. There was a lot of concern there too. But he stayed sitting where he was; he didn’t want to get closer, didn’t want to smother you if it wasn’t needed or wanted. “You’ve been quiet for a while, nearly all holiday.” “I’m fine.” And you meant it, “Nolan you know me, I just... have quiet spells.” “I was starting to think it was me.” He murmured his thought almost guiltily. And you shook your head. No, no it wasn’t. It was just he, nor the view, could really cheer you up right now. You were fine, that was true, but you couldn’t say you’d raise it above that. Not quite yet anyway. Nolan Sorrento could probably change that around if he wanted; it was already clear by the fact you were up here that he was putting the effort in. Nolan always did. He knew how to break through that, so he could get to hearing the sweet sound of your voice again. Which was certainly one of his favourite things – something he could associate with the comfort of home, calm and welcoming after a long work day, soothing and delicate as you’d hold him and tell him it was all going to be okay, how loud you got when you talked a on and on around something you were passionate about, or when you got mad, or drunk… the way you laughed. That slight waiver you always tried to hide when you were sad that he could pick up on immediately to quiet your fears, or work on making you smile again. Luckily it wasn’t present right now, but Nolan was afraid of hearing it. Then that shake… a delightful thing to be able to draw from you: beside him, on top of him, pinned under him… it didn’t matter where; just that moment. And how it sounded over the phone, how you’d make the tone of your voice sweet, sultry… sexy - everything you would say when he was a little too far away from you for a little too long… Nolan shuffled uncomfortably for a moment where he was sitting and cleared his throat – painfully aware he’d thought on that for a little too long.  All he had to do was get you talking about something that made you happy, something that would bring you back to life. Pull you from whatever had got you so far gone… Maybe he could flirt with you, maybe he could even get you blushing. Nolan knew that he’d have to be careful with that one though; one false move and you’d be driven away, or you’d snap at him. That was a fine line, he’d just have to be careful and coax it out of you. Luckily the planned date was a picnic up here, so, admire the views all you want but cracking open a good bottle of wine was going to change all that; even if your only thought was put to teasing him about it. As you heard him rummaging around you couldn’t help be curious: Nolan muttered to himself - in Italian you had to note - as he uncorked the bottle, and although your first thought was ‘I hope he isn’t expecting us to drink the whole THING?!’ you couldn’t help but tip your head. Okay, you knew what he was doing, but you’d bite. “Let me guess, that’s Sorrento made?” “Sorrento?” God damn him for rolling the r’s like that, “Close…” He pulled out a glass and skilfully poured it like you might see a mixologist do behind a fancy bar. Party trick? You guessed he’d probably picked it up somewhere. “And what, it’s 1999?” “Oooh…” He smirked, “She’s close, once more.” He held the glass out to you, “But no dice.” “Then what!?” You took it and Nolan showed you the bottle, “Oh. My birth year? I thought it was only good if it was ’99.” “Usually. But, it’s not about me. This time.” He gave a gentle wink, and poured himself a glass before placing the bottle back, “So, to you. And trying to cheer you up!” For a minute your stare at him was blank, before you blinked slowly, “You are… infuriating.” “Ah, so it’s working?” “NO.” Although you couldn’t help but smile into the glass as you sipped. “Look whatever it is, you know I’d do anything to fix it. You do, don’t you?” “Nolan…” you sighed gently, “It’s not you. It’s just… a mood I get into sometimes.” “I know you might not think so,” His head tipped, blue eyes soft, “but I’m a good listener too. Like for like, you listen to me enough. About time I did the same.” You were quiet, staring back at your glass, the reflection of yourself in the red liquid – before you took a deep breath: “I don’t know. Work, I guess.” “Mm?” He raised an eyebrow. “You put in effort and, either no one recognises it or they just take the credit, then you wonder why you bother or… Is this it? Is this the life I’m going to live?” “Well, not everything’s bad right?” You could hear that slight hurt that you would do anything to take back. “N-No. Oh, Nolan, yes I have you! But… I can’t pin all my happiness on you. That’s not fair.” He very nearly tipped the whole glass back, “Fuck ‘em. Come work for me.” You immediately snorted, “Oh no, no no no, I’m not working for IOI.” “What!? Why?” “No way. I couldn’t!” You shook your head vigorously. “You’d be a damn sight better than most of them!” He sounded more desperate than persuasive. “Oh no, I’ve heard so many horror stories!” “Really?” “Yeah, especially about their CEO.” You couldn’t keep a straight face, and began to giggle. His eyes narrowed, smile knowing, “Is that right?” Then you couldn’t help but laugh, “Yes. Can confirm-” “Confirm?!” You waved your hand, laughing at his outrage, “-None of those rumours are true.” “You are on such thin ice!!” Nolan shook his head at you, but was grinning, then indicated to your glass, “Well?!” “Oh,” you looked to it, “you really don’t need me to tell you how good it is, do you?” “Eh, I dunno, feed my ego.” “It’s delicious. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to pick wine for me in a million years.” “That’s my girl!” He smiled, pouring himself another glass, then held it out to toast with yours, “Now I’ve got a smile back on your face, c’mon… let’s talk about something a little nicer!”

So, talk started to turn to other holidays, you’d both been to Sorrento before, both together and alone. In fact one year you’d come out here with your friends and explored the Amalfi coast before heading up to city areas like Rome and Milan; your ‘little’ Italian road trip. Apparently, that didn’t compare to being here with him – and you noticed that smirk – or your ‘best spring break ever’. He’d met your friends and each and every one of them was crazy: it’d been a lot to take in for him at once but once they’d broken through the play-it-straight businessman they all seemed to really like him. He’d never got vibes they didn’t, although Nolan knew why they were protective of you, and you’d never had the inclination to tell him they didn’t like him. But the stories about your adventures together? Downright hysterical. You’d been fairly lucky growing up in ways that Nolan hadn’t. He’d surely worked very hard in a very short period of time to become who he was. You’d always lived fairly comfortably; you at least had no complaints. So, Nolan lived all his wild spring break adventures through you. Much more likely to have spent his own fixing up old gaming and projection systems, or looking after his little sister. You’d had a lot of near misses and dodged bullets and you were the fairly careful one of your friends. Pretty soon you were both crying laughing and Nolan had to ask you to stop for just a second so he could catch his breath. He wasn’t averse to talking about some of his favourite things either, even if they were more recent memories. Even if some of them were just travels he’d got to take with IOI. Even just something he was building or planning for the OASIS. Nolan often had the imagination, but no means of execution. Even with the millions IOI made, he was fairly restricted by the happiness of his shareholders and the board of directors. You’d read his little book of plans that he’d kept ideas in ever since his earliest day of interning with Gregarious Games, and one day you hoped he’d be able to put all of these things into production. For now, Nolan was content and that was all that mattered to you. And all yours on weekends, and holidays. He was not allowed to bring work home with him and, on the rare occasions he did, Nolan always asked your express permission – not that you were going to say no when he was giving you that face. Although by this point, he had his tablet out and was shuffling through your playlist. You weren’t all alone up here, but other visitors to the site were far enough away for it not to disturb them. Nolan nudged the conversation back to you though, so that he could hear your voice, talking about anything and everything, now you were focused on Sorrento, on the view before you. Your tone dreamy and far off; his favourite person talking about one of his favourite places on earth. With fine wine and good Italian food, it was altogether a perfect mix. Nolan was focused so much on your body language, the way you moved, the sounds you made, every nuance of your face that added so much colour to what you were saying… whatever you were saying, because he wasn’t hearing words. But you were clearly talking to him, and asking him questions because the next thing he knew you’d turned your beautiful eyes on his awaiting an answer. “-Nolan!?” “W-what, I’m… I’m sorry I-” You folded your arms with a gasp, teasing, “You weren’t even listening to me?!” “No that’s not it… I was… listening so hard that I didn’t hear a word.” “…That- doesn’t make sense!” “Admiring… the way you say things, not… the what. Who you are. It’s- it just makes me happy. I guess I’m just thinking about you… a lot.” “Oh…” Your voice got quiet for a minute, and you looked to the blanket with a small blush. Ah… there was one…a perfect moment. And a good first chance. “I mean… I can’t figure out whether I like you best on top of me, beneath me, or next to me. What do you think?” Your eyes widened for a second, before flicking back up to meet his. The single beat you missed was to work out if Nolan was being serious, but it was obvious by the glint in his eyes. “I don’t really care, but I do know if these people weren’t around, I would jump you right now!” The slight shock on your face turned into a very pointed smirk. “If you were quiet I’m sure no one would notice…” “I have no intention of being quiet if I’m going to rip through the buttons on your nice shirt, Mr. Sorrento.” “This shirt was pretty expensive. You’re lucky I could cover the cost.” But he winked, “I hope you’ve eaten enough, because trust me you’re gonna need all that energy. I think I’ll go with beneath me. I’m sure there’s a tie somewhere I can bind your wrists with…” The blush across your face deepened and your body immediately latched onto that with an oh! that you were glad didn’t make its way out verbally. “Now I just want you to come over here and fuck me.” “Don’t care who’s watching?” “No.” “Imagine that one in the Columbus papers tomorrow…” Nolan breathed deep, “It’d almost be worth it!” You whined, tipping yourself back onto your hands with a pout. Nolan had this look in his eyes like he knew exactly what he was doing to you, and he wasn’t wrong; he was succeeding in turning you on. “God, I just want my hands all over you.” “Finish the bottle and I’ll consider it.” He sipped gently at his glass again, “I’m not wasting a vintage this good.” “Just pour it on me then.” “Red wine?!” He looked repulsed for a second, “Honey, there’s plenty of things I would lick off your body but red wine is not one of them. I do have a little bit of class.” “Nolan-!” Your protest of his name was breathless. “If it were Champagne, I’d consider it.” “You’re fucking killing me.” “Or just fucking you…” He smirked again, watching the way your chest rose and fell heavily, he could bet on the sweet ache between your thighs right now; touché, Nolan had one of his own that he was trying to control behind that façade. He pulled the bottle out of the basket again and studied the level in the sunlight, “Half glass each aughta do it…” You held yours out eagerly, making Nolan smirk a little harder as he turned to pour it, but his pour was agonisingly slow and he left the bottle tipped as he finished the measure. “C’mere…” He coaxed you gently; he’d been holding back what he really wanted to do all day, Nolan wasn’t about to now. And you weren’t about to resist him, as he pulled you into a wine-soaked kiss. You immediately grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer to you and hardly caring that you were probably spilling a good amount of this glass everywhere, even though Nolan himself had managed to carefully place the bottle back down, drawing your body closer his hand travelled beneath your skirt and he brushed his fingers delicately over your panties. This time your moan was into his kiss. Nolan pulled back with a chuckle, but his fingertips lingered there and he continued to tease you, “Mmm… I thought so. You’re already so wet, for me.” His voice was husky and you couldn’t help shiver in pleasure. “Nolan…” Your face was red and he wasn’t sure if it was the wine finally getting to you, or your blush was just that deep, but you looked gorgeous, and your voice was at a needy pitch. Yes, it was getting hard to control himself… He allowed you to kiss him again; and that wine tasted even better from your lips. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this on holiday but can we go back to our hotel room?’ Your voice was quiet, and your hands were steadying your body against his as he continued to touch you. Nolan’s smile was soft, as if you were sitting across from him at a fine restaurant and he was being an absolute gentleman, “Ab-so-lute-ly.” He circled your sweet spot with every syllable and you bit back your whine this time. “Will you speak Italian to me all the time too?” If there was one other thing that could get you off, it was that. You couldn’t trust him to speak Italian in anything less than the sexiest manner possible with his only intent to get you to push him against a wall, or beg him to find a quieter place at the party to get a little quick and dirty. He smirked deliciously once more, “Va bene.” And you cursed, shivering as Nolan leant forward to kiss your neck. Your stomach gave a flutter as he removed his hand from between your thighs – not for long… Soon your clothes would be strewn all over the floor of your hotel instead…

---

Thank you for reading my lovelies! 😘😘

[rosetintedbeanie]

My Review on TWDG: The Final Season

Buckle up folks because it’s going to be a bumpy ride with some unpopular opinions added. This is a little overdue.

So before I start, I want to say that I didn’t want to put this into the tags because we all know how this fandom can be. 

I’ll start off with the good. The season started off really, really strong, and it was a good way to introduce all the new characters. I didn’t necessarily like Marlon at first, but after looking back, he’s grown on me a little bit. His voice actor did an incredible job. I’ll admit, after two seasons of disappointment and annoyance, I had low expectations for the first episode and the season as a whole, but I was pleasantly surprised. The ending to episode one, atmosphere and all, was one of the best final scenes in the game’s history, and it genuinely gave me chills all the way up until the last minute. THAT was some good shit, and it felt like the writers were finally realizing what they were doing. 

The season had likable enough characters, and although there are a few that I’m indifferent with, there wasn’t anyone that I totally didn’t like. The bisexual representation made me incredibly happy, and partially helped me a bit more with my own sexuality. Before anyone asks, I personally went with Louisentine, but Violentine is pretty damn adorable and both ships are totally valid. And I know it wasn’t a shipping option, but in my opinion, Clem would have been cute with Ruby, too. 

Minerva’s downfall was really well done. I didn’t necessarily like her, but I did feel sorry for her. She was a victim of brainwashing and bad leadership and she and Sophie didn’t deserve that. You could even see her trying to come out of it at times in the third episode, when she mentions Tenn to one of the guards (Dorian I think her name is?). The scene on the bridge was probably one of the best, if not the best scene of the last episode in my opinion. There was a lot of tension, and Minnie singing to draw walkers to her brother really added to that. If anything I actually forgot about her up until that point and thought she’d just died. Also, can we get a cover of her VA singing the entire song? I have a new need. 

Now before I dive into what I didn’t like and my unpopular opinions, a disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions. I tend to be nitpicky at these things, and I didn’t hate the season at all whatsoever. 

I...couldn’t get attached to AJ in any episode. I tried to, I really did. I didn’t hate him by any means, and I even defended him when people were wishing death and hating him for killing Marlon. But there were times that I felt that he was just too much, even for a hardened survivor. I get that he was born into an apocalyptic world, but I didn’t exactly like how he turned into the same temperamental, edgy kid no matter what Clem taught him. I wasn’t a huge fan of the many parallels, either. Some were fine, but after a while they started to get a bit old. 

Alright, here’s the biggie that y’all probably expected: the way they handled Lilly this season. If you’ve been following me for a while then you’re probably aware that I love Lilly and have defended her for years now. So naturally I was extremely excited to see that she was returning after years of being right about her fate (because come on, there’s no way she just died). And I just want to say that as much as I wanted a redemption arc for her, I wouldn’t have minded her being a villain so much had she gotten more screen time, a better explanation, and a more meaningful way to go out on both parts. I really didn’t like how she still appeared to have humanity in her first appearance, totally hesitating to kill Clementine and damn near CRYING if she’s told that you were family once, and then pretty much tossing all that out the window when she (determinately) orders a kid’s tongue cut out. Then in the finale she gets two minutes tops of screen time and can suddenly feel remorseful again? Ooookay. We also got pretty much no explanation on why she’s this way except for “my dad melted my ice cream so I kidnap kids now lol.” I just feel like we were robbed of something more involving Lilly, and no matter how you feel about her, she deserved better than to become what she did, better than to be handled the way she was. I’ll always stand by my word that she was not bad from day one, and no one can convince me otherwise. 

Something else that felt weird to me was that there was no mention of Kenny outside of a determinant choice in the first episode??? Like no matter how you felt about him, he was important in Clem’s life and it’s especially strange how he wasn’t even talked about during Clem and Lilly’s chat. You’d think Lilly would bring up the guy who killed her dad. 

The way that the deaths were handled in the finale bothered me. Like, really bothered me. There’s maybe a couple minutes of grief (which I get that in the moment you had to get away, but there was time for that later), and basically no other mention. Louis was the one who died in my game, but I’ve seen playthroughs and I couldn’t stand how Violet can pretty much justify Tenn’s death if it happens. The way she said, “He was always getting into trouble and messing up,” brought me back to Season 2 and the way Sarah was treated, and it was even worse because Tenn reminded me a little of her and to hear that again made me feel ill. Like girl...did Jane possess you there for a minute???

I uhhh might be in quite the minority here, but I was unsatisfied with the overall ending. The big thing was Clem getting bit and her leg amputated; okay, yeah, sure. But let’s look at what happened before: her foot was cut pretty badly, and I’ll even give that the infection could have taken the spread of the bite out of her. But people really seem to ignore that she still lost a lot of blood on the way to the barn??? Like, I’m not a doctor or anything, but losing blood even after a short period of time can still be very dangerous. Even with the explanation given by one of the writers, there’s no realistic way that Clem would have survived that amputation with the amount of blood already gone. I’m sorry, but it really felt like plot armor. I would have been happy with her being determinant, with the ending we got being the “alive” ending. But I feel like there should have been multiple endings, considering the last two seasons were known for that. I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it like most everyone else was. There was a lot I just wasn’t feeling. 

One last quick thing about the ending: we never did see the Delta. The Delta’s leader, who is NOT Lilly as confirmed by Kent Mudle, would wonder why their people didn’t come back. They’d probably send out to find whoever was responsible, especially if they knew about the school beforehand. You’d think the school would prepare itself for future attacks, because it’s kind of a new potential threat. It’s something I figured out kind of recently, and it’s weird that no one would question it. 

My overall opinion of the season was that it was good, but not great. In terms of writing, it blows A New Frontier and the last half of Season 2 out of the water. The story itself is an interesting idea, but there are a few directions that I wish had been taken differently. The season, as I said, started out strong, and there were moments in every episode that I genuinely liked. I just wish there had been multiple ways to conclude Clementine’s story. The ending we got just felt...a bit off. To conclude this essay-length review, I in no way disliked this season and I have to give credit to the writers for putting more of an effort since A House Divided. If you’ve read this far down, thanks! This was fun to write. 

**MIC DROP**

[violentnonretirement]

About Bastet: Jack

I’m doing multiple posts to kind of separate out things. This one will be about Jack, there will be one about Ana, and then one about the general Lore.

So keep in mind this is just about Jack, since the short story was equally about both and I literally have way too much to talk about with Ana to fit them both here while still being at all readable.

I’m just going to go through chronologically. Also under the cut because it’s... It’s a lot. Ana’s might end up longer, though.

“ As she took a closer look, she could see that the jacket and his flesh had been ripped apart by a shotgun blast. From that range, it should have killed him, but Jack had certain advantages. His wounds could heal themselves—a legacy of his past as a test subject and an enhanced soldier...“

First of all, we can finally do away with the ‘Gabe wasn’t trying to kill Jack’ theories because he absolutely was. Also, referring to Jack (and by extension Gabe) as test subjects says a lot about the nature of the SEP. Not an exact process, not a 100% smoothed out deal. Jack and Gabe were test subjects.

Jack’s got a crazy good healing factor. Like. We learn later the bullets from Reaper have a necrotic agent of some sort that’s trying to keep him from healing and his body is still pushing through to heal the wound literally minutes after the attack, also aided by Ana’s dart.

“ His genetic enhancements should have helped him acclimatize to different conditions, the same way they should have stopped the blood that was seeping through the shirt he’d tied across his midsection as a bandage. “

First of all, “genetic enhancements”. Second, Jack is able to acclimate to different weather very easily.

ALSO

How many times has Ana bailed his dumbass out of danger???

“ ...He made a face at the bitterness. “Any sugar?” “ “ ....“You’re a kitten, Jack,” Ana laughed. “

THIS IS FUCKING CUTE COME AT ME. I got that hc wrong Jack apparently likes sweet things if tea is too bitter for him. Fucking adorable you big punkass  funky boy.

Tangent here to talk about their banter? Like it’s so... honest? Like it’s just “these are two extremely close people who still have the fun sarcasm and are easily filling back into the role of close friends despite everything that’s happened”. It’s genuinely entertaining and I had a lot of fun reading the back and forth because it’s just fun and snarky and both have so much life to their replies. And it shows they know each other to the point that Ana knows Jack well enough that she literally drugs him because she knows he’s about to be a dumbass the minute he wakes up.

Also, proof that no one but the three of them and by extension Talon know Jack and Ana and Gabe are alive.

Jack took a trip to New York with his mother and loved the Egyptian museum as ‘his favorite part’, so that’s rly cute.

“ “We tried to find you,” Jack said somberly. “I used every resource at my disposal. Gabe even put McCree on it personally. Not a trace. Everyone else tried to convince me you were gone and that I was being irrational. But deep down I knew that you couldn’t be dead.” “

“...It turns out we couldn’t do it without you,”

“.... Don’t let this go. Don’t be like the others. They dismantled everything we spent our lives building, and then they made us into villains.”

“ “... You never were good at letting go,” Ana chided him. “Too stubborn for your own good.” “

Fucking. One of my big headcanons confirmed. That Jack and Gabe did everything in in their power to find Ana, and that Jack did not give up. If there’s something to be learned about his character from this it’s that Jack is a deeply emotional and very unforgiving character. He remembers, and he holds grudges like a motherfucker.

Even after the years, Jack was in Cairo because he believed Ana was alive and he wanted to find her.

Jack says he’s moving on and his quest is moving on but I don’t think Jack can let things go. Period. He couldn’t let go of Ana, Overwatch- his in-game lines “I’ve got a long memory”. Jack does not forget, and again, he holds grudges like a motherfucker. 

She was thought to be dead for years and yet Jack held out hope the entire time, all the way up to chasing her down in Egypt after hearing there was a vigilante there and hoping it was her. If we’re looking at canon Jack, canon Jack loves Ana deeply. She is an important person to him. Just like he loved Gabriel.

Which brings me to a big point. Jack is an angry, frustrated figure but he feels deeply. He feels so deeply for the people he’s with. Ana, Gabe, those people are so fucking important to him that the issue of Ana’s unknown fate, plus the (still only theorized) ‘betrayal’ from Gabriel, two people who were so important to him, turning to anger and vengeance would feel like the only option for him.

“ Ana read the desperation on Jack’s face. “Getting revenge for what happened won’t accomplish anything other than getting you killed.” “Maybe, but I still have to fight. Everyone else gave up, but not me.” “

This is the core of my style of characterization. If Jack lets this fight go- against Talon and Hakim and Los Muertos- he has nothing left. Jack was a soldier for the majority of his life. We know he enlisted around 18 and fought in the crisis, and led Overwatch, all adding up to about 30 years of “fighting the good fight” and something like 6 of fighting it from the shadows. At this point, giving up that fight would force him into an identity crisis, and I don’t think Jack wants to face that, so he just puts up walls against forming new bonds, and considers that, yes, he may die, but he wants to do what’s right. (it’s not healthy. There are so many times when Jack is wrong, etc, and he’ll fight you tooth and nail because he’s a stubborn jackass but he’s not a mentally healthy person)

This also supports my hc that Jack kind of blamed everyone. In that anger, Jack considered everyone at fault, and then sat on that anger and pain for years as he tried to find out what happened. He saw people either get to return to normal life, be forced into mercenary situations, or worse, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it- just try to find out what caused it and expose the people who ruined his life.

“ “Cairo and the world will suffer until we bring them all down! You have to see the bigger picture,” Jack said heatedly. “Are you even hearing yourself? You would never have made this argument before,” Ana said disapprovingly. “The way we do things matters.” “

Jack was the man who believed in saving everyone and Gabe was the bigger picture person, I think. I think Gabe did the dirty work no one else wanted because he saw what needed to be done and got it done for the greater good, even if that meant sometimes morally wrong choices in the moment. Now, Jack sees Hakim and Cairo, he sees the wrongness there and he doesn’t want to get involved because he knows Talon is Hakim’s benefactor and taking out Talon is the only true way to get rid of Hakim.

And we see that as much as he loves Ana, he is still angry and lashes out. He sees the world through a selfish view. He sees it as ‘this needs to get done and I don’t know why you don’t see it my way’ but Ana sees Cairo as she has for the time she’s been gone. Egypt is her home, she can’t see it rot under Hakim. This is her mission.

It was the sort of problem that was never Jack’s strong suit. He preferred two sides, concrete facts, and one clear, unequivocal decision.

In messy situations, Jack finds an answer, and he goes with it. And in a time when almost all his decisions are ‘messy’, Jack often has the moments between Los Muertos escaping and the grenade at Alejandra’s feet. There is what’s important now, and what’s important for the future. Deciding that Alejandra was the most important then, and then agreeing to help with Hakim, Jack is being forced to do what’s right again, and it causes him to fight against the personas of Soldier: 76 and of Strike-Commander. We hear SO much that Jack is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, but he relents to Ana. He comes back after storming off and helps Ana take down Hakim. Hakim is the grenade at Alejandra’s feet- he cannot ignore his conscience, and here, he also knows he cannot do this without Ana.

“ He had gotten one good night’s sleep since he arrived in Cairo, and it was the first in as long as he could remember “ ...He was uneasy now. Staying in one place for too long was risky, especially now that Gabe would be looking for him. He had to move on.

Also going along with the “Jack just doesn’t stop” vein of characterization. Jack can’t stop. Especially now that Talon is very aware of his presence and that he’s coming after them.

“That’s why it’s a great photo!” laughed Jack.

cute.

So let’s get into Vincent.

Jack is gay, as confirmed by Chu. I have my issues with this reveal like I did with the Christmas comic and Tracer’s reveal. The romantic partner characters are not really, full characters. They’re stand-ins, and they’re not given a whole lot before they’re buried in the story again, but they do their job. Lena is a lesbian, and Jack is gay. This in itself makes me so happy. Because here, in this whole update, we are given a Manly Man’s Man in Jack- except that we learn he’s a deeply emotional man, struggling with trauma and mental health issues, and is so far from the picture so many people might have of a gay man. Like Lena, he isn’t defined by his sexuality, it’s just a part of him. Which is what we want. Yes, again, I have my issues with the reveal, but in the end, and if I’m deeply honest with myself, I’m happy that two mainstay characters in this game are irreversibly, wholly, completely confirmed inside and out as SAGA, and I’m happy that Jack is given that identity as someone who was open about it. Ana apparently knew Vincent well enough that she recognizes him from an old photo.

But in that vein, we get the fact that they’re separated, and that once upon a time Jack “I’ll never stop fighting” Morrison wanted to settle down in the quiet life with his then-boyfriend, and openly talked about that, at least with Ana if not others. Again, we’re given the image that Jack as a younger man was a very openly emotional, connected, and caring figure. Someone who loved the people he was close to dearly and showed that.

“At least you and Gabe managed to have families.”

Another one of those hcs I’m ding-ding at, Jack did not really engage in relationships as Strike-Commander. Whether or not he tried we don’t know, but he didn’t ‘manage’ to have a family, or connections beyond platonic love for people like Ana, and Gabe, and likely others. But it also ties into that resentment and anger he’s been nursing for so long. It’s not a kind remark. Not mean or hateful, just, kind of unnecessary.

“I just thought my mask was scary.” Jack smiled.

What a fucking dork.

In all. I’m happy. I’m so happy to see Jack confirmed as gay, I’d love to know more about Vincent, I’d love to see where this all goes, and I love that we have a continuation, more lore for Ana, and more personality for both of them- seeing these softer sides of the ghosts.

That being said, I’m happy with the s76 lore we have. I love him, he’s my dude, but we need lore on literally anyone else. I would be happy if their story was either on pause for the next however long or working in the background while other characters got their stories and their time in the spotlight. I want to see Zen, Lucio, Zarya, the Junkers. They need to be fleshed out. They need to be fully realized.

[gluupor]

A spy AU written for the Andreil Week prompt: video games

When Andrew was a teenager he hadn't been able to picture a future for himself. He assumed he'd either be dead or in prison by this time in his life. He couldn't have imagined that he'd ever have a life like this. He had gone to university, he had a safe place to live, he had a steady job, he had friends, and no one had touched him without his consent since he was thirteen. Sure, technically he hadn't graduated university, thanks to Aaron getting him kicked out. And he didn't own his own house, he lived with his cousin Nicky and Nicky's boyfriend, Erik. And his job was helping computer illiterate people with problems of their own making, as a member of the Nerd Herd at the local BuyMore. And he didn't have friends so much as he had friend, singular, and several acquaintances that he didn't hate. And although he'd come to terms with his sexuality and dated a little, he'd never found anyone who could hold his interest. But, still. His life may have not been the most glamorous or exciting, but it was his. He'd worked hard to get this far and he was content. He didn't appreciate Nicky's attempts at trying to improve him.

Which was why he was hiding in his bedroom to escape the party that Nicky had thrown for his twenty seventh birthday.

Keep Reading

[haztory]

hurricane. (teenager!frank castle x reader)

A/N: okay so this was originally one of the dialogue prompts but i decided to make this a au one-shot if that’s alright with everybody. its a bit all over the place and messy but i’ll just say that that’s my writing style lololol. please send in requests if y’all would like.

request: hi! i love your writing! can you do “i said i love you” and “quit it or i’ll bite” with frank castle? thank you very much! 

(thanks for loving my writing sweetcheeks. makes me feel fuzzy inside, also sorry it took so long)

It was an unspoken rule between you and Frank to never disclose the details of your relationship to those who asked. There was never any specific reason for it—it’s not like you and Frank had anything to hide—it was just…an unspoken pact between you two.

When people came up to you two during lunch and asked the same old question of “Are you guys dating? Or just really good friends?”, they always received the same answer:

“Yes.”

It became a game after a while. How many people could you guys confuse today? Who’s the next one to ask?

You understood why everyone asked. You and Frank were way too close to just be considered best friends, and whether that is due to the sheer amount of years you and Frank have been friends or because there’s a chemistry you have with him that runs deeper than blood, you’re not entirely sure on.

The only thing anyone really knows, is that if you want (Y/N) (L/N), you won’t get her without her bodyguard Frank Castle, and if you want Frank Castle, you won’t get him without his life advisor (Y/N) (L/N).

You guys come in a pair. There’s no use in trying to separate the two of you.

You and Frank have been best friends since you were six when you moved into the house right next-door to him. You didn’t know anyone and he was a shy boy who didn’t have many friends.

“A match made in heaven.” proclaimed your mothers. (Your mothers already planned the wedding.)

There wasn’t a day you two didn’t spend together, whether riding your bikes to the stream near your houses to playing some sport in your front yards to watching his mother’s extensive collection of movies at his house to camping in his backyard. Even when you were sick, he was always there to sail the storm with you.

The majority of your youth days were spent together and as puberty hit, that bond only grew stronger. When your only other friends seemed to split apart from you and follow boys and Frank’s “no bullshit” mentality strengthened, it only made sense that the two of you would draw to each other like magnets.

That was when the rumors started. In junior high, when people began to notice how Frank would always wait for you at lunch and you would always take him home after school; When people began to notice that when they run into you outside of school, Frank was always by your side; When people began to notice that a majority of the stories you told only involved Frank.

So, yes, you understand why everyone asks, because in all honesty, you and Frank choose to not do anything to quell the rumors. In fact, you knowingly add more fuel to ever growing fire.

He was your date to junior prom (and is your current date to the senior one) and when you both showed up with matching outfits everyone literally “awed” at the sight of you; For your sixteenth birthday, he gave you a necklace with his name engraved on it that you have yet to take off; Your Instagram is filled with pictures of him with very cryptic captions that borderline romantic and to anyone not paying attention, would seem like you guys are an item.

There was even a time where everyone thought you were married. You and Frank had shown up to school one day with gold bands on your left hands and never said anything until someone pointed them out. People asked relentlessly, but you never confirmed nor denied.

That happened over a year ago, but you’re pretty sure some people still think you’re married. (I mean, you guys practically are. You argue like a married couple, you love like a married couple, so really it wouldn’t be a shocker.)

For god’s sake, even the teachers think you guys are a thing! It’s drawn the attention of the entire school for some reason without you and Frank having to move a muscle.

It gets annoying sometimes, but you’ve gotten used to it.

Besides, even you can admit it: You and Frank are a hella cute couple.

It’s Wednesday, meaning your school has an hour lunch block and you’re sitting at your usual round table with your usual friend group of Curtis Hoyle, Karen Page and David Lieberman.  

You sit with your right leg thrown over Frank’s lap, stealing a couple of stale fries from his lunch tray as he sits with his left arm thrown over the back of your chair and his right arm gently stroking your leg on his lap. There’s a large smile on your face from Curtis’ wild antics, and the sight of it puts a smile on Frank’s.

(It’s kind of hard for it not to. Everything you do puts a smile on Frank’s face.)

“I’m just sayin’ man!” Curtis laughs from his seat in front of you, throwing his hands up in mock surrender as everyone at the table watches, “She was ogling you the whole period! Natalie Rushman was makin’ goo-goo eyes at you during Fury’s lecture!”

Frank waves his hand in the air, scoffing and throwing his head to the side with a smile on his face, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man!”

Curtis points an accusing finger at Frank, slamming his elbow down on the table and staring at him with intense eyes, making everyone at your table laugh.

“I ain’t making this shit up! Listen, if you ain’t gettin’ on that, I will. Make your move now or I’m swooping in.”

Frank shakes his head at Curtis, moving his hand to his tray of fries and smacking yours away so he could grab three before plopping all of them into his mouth. His voice is muffled as he speaks, “Go ‘head.”

He rubs the crumbs on his hands on his jeans while looking down at you on his left and giving you a warm smile, “I already got what I need.”

Your three friends all groan at the comment, rolling their eyes and muttering to themselves. You give Frank a loving stare, gently pinching his cheek and giggling before feeding him another stale and cold fry.

Karen, who was seated between David and Curtis, places her forearms against the lunch table and stares at you and Frank, “When are you both going to come to terms with reality and realize that you are in love with each other?”

She tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and you give her a faux innocent look, furrowing your eyebrows and tilting your head to the side.

“What do you mean? We’ve already picked out the names of our kids. There’s nothing we really have to come to terms with,” You put a fry in your mouth and chew contentedly.

Karen’s mouth drops slightly, the corners of her lips slightly pulling back as she darts her eyes from Frank’s satisfied smirk to your innocent one. She huffs out a laugh and runs her hand through her hair, slowly shaking her head, “I don’t know if that was a joke or not.”

David takes a sip from his carton of chocolate milk, raising one eyebrow up and glancing at Karen, “Who knows at this point?”

Frank places his hand on the back of your neck, gently dragging his fingertips across the skin there. You shy your body away from the touch, letting out a whine.

“Quit it or I’ll bite.” You try and give him a threatening stare which only makes him smirk in response.

(And it’s one of those lopsided ones that makes him look so charming and sexy and it’s no surprise that every girl that meets Frank has a crush on him.)

“Make me.”

“Y’know what Castle— “

“Alright, look.” Curtis draws the attention back to himself, “The sexual tension is too much. As your closest friends, we deserve a right to know—” his eyes dart from Frank to you, pausing for dramatic effect.

“—are you guys gonna fuck?”

Karen smacks her hand against Curtis’ shoulder while David laughs loudly, throwing his head back and releasing the sound to the ceiling. Even the loud chatter of the surrounding students couldn’t drown out the volume of his laughter. Curtis grips his arm in pain, rubbing it and staring at Karen with a hurt look.

Frank looks back at you, a smile on his face that mirrors your own. Frank enjoys watching people twist and turn to find out the details of your relationships and you are nothing but complacent in his pleasure. You don’t really care what people think or what they want to know, but whatever makes Frank happy.

You turn your head and look at Curtis’ expectant eyes, gracefully shrugging your shoulders, “That’s on a need to know basis.”

Curtis throws himself back into his seat in frustration, earning a giggle from Karen as he mutters to himself, “Yeah, yeah, and I don’t need to know. Pfft, I don’t even know why I ask.”

David suddenly puts down his carton of milk, looking at you with wide eyes, “Hey! Are we still on for that trip after graduation?”

The trip in question, was the annual camping trip you and your family take from New York to Connecticut after school ends. The drive only took a day or two with few pit stops at restaurants or to see some sights, but it would take you to a beach house your family owned during the summer. You would spend the two weeks at the house either going to the beach or driving to some other place near the coast.

The house was special to you. It was where you and your siblings grew up, and was where the extended family would get together for the summer to just enjoy each other’s company. It was where you and Frank had accidentally kissed, and was where your platonic relationship with Frank suddenly became more.

(Although, no one else knew that.)

The house was where you felt, for the first time in your life, truly beautiful, with Frank’s large hands exploring your body underneath the moon in the crashing waves of the beach. The house was where Frank placed his lips on yours and told you how special you were to him. The house was where Frank placed his head on top of your stomach in the sand while you ran your hand through his hair, and told you how he had never felt things the way he felt with you. The house was where you realized your feelings for Frank, were no longer one-sided. The house was where you realized that Frank was the only one for you, and will only ever be the one for you.

The house was more than just a house: it was a haven that you could escape to when things got rough; It was your sanctuary, your little bubble of good things. It was home.

You were excited to share your home with your closest friends, showing them—but never telling—why this place was so special to you, one last time.

You nod your head at David, giving him a wide smile, “Oh, yeah! We’ve already rented the campers and everything.”

“You got room for one more? Sarah and I were talking about it and she seems interested.”

“Sure. I’m pretty sure there is enough space.”

“You guys coming?” You point your finger over to Karen and Curtis, who both eagerly nod their heads, smiles playing out on their faces.

“When are we leaving?” Karen asks, dragging her fork across her empty Tupperware container.

“Three days after graduation. We’ll be gone for two weeks, I think? I have to double check. But Frank and I are taking one of the large campers, so you and Sarah could bunk with us.”

Your three friends’ faces drop, the smiles slowly disappearing at your statement. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion.

Did they all have something to do during that time? That’s going to pose a problem seeing as you and your parents have already placed down the deposit for the campers.

“What?” You ask them, looking from each of their faces and finding that Karen and David nervously looked from Frank to you while Curtis stared straight at him. You turn your head upwards, looking at Frank who stared at each of them with a hard look and a clench in his jaw.

He doesn’t even look at you.

A slight panic starts to creep into your soul, your gut feeling telling you that something is wrong, which is pretty obvious. Your stomach is slowly sinking to the bottom of your body and your breathing is starting to pick up. The loud volume of the lunchroom seems to drown out, your mind focusing in on only the people in front of you.

Curtis maintains strong eye contact with Frank, giving him an equally hard stare. His voice drops a couple of octaves, “You didn’t tell her?”

“Not now, Curtis,” Frank grits out, his eyes narrowing at his friend.

“Tell me what?” You hurriedly interject, removing your leg from Frank’s lap and sitting forward at the table. You look from Curtis’ sympathetic look to you, to Frank’s averting eyes.

No one says anything.

Karen and David fidget in their seat, clearing their throats and fiddling with themselves at the sudden awkwardness that encompassed the table. The panic is now in full motion and the desperation that accompanies it is disorienting. There is something not being said, and the fact that it involves Frank makes the situation that much worse.

You can handle Curtis or David hiding something from you, even Karen, but not Frank. Frank always tells you everything right away, no questions asked. If he’s hiding something, it means that it’s going to hurt. You start to mentally prepare yourself for whatever it is.

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” You try to keep your voice steady as you address the table, but the crack in your voice betrays your efforts. Everyone can see and hear the desperation in your voice, and they can only look in sympathy.

It’s not their place to say it, but Frank’s silence is pushing them on.

He can barely look at you, keeping his eyes straight ahead. He knows if he looks at you then his resolve would come crashing down. He wanted to tell you at a better time. Not in a school lunchroom with everyone watching.

“Frank?” you plead, looking at the side of his face, watching him take a deep swallow that moves his Adam’s apple while softly shaking his head at Curtis.

You turn your head to Curtis. He slowly tears his eyes away from Frank, meeting your worried eyes.

“Curtis?” You gently ask.

Curtis has been friends with Frank for a long ass time, and the things shared between the two of them were meant to only stay between the two of them. But when you’re staring at him like the world depended on it, with every emotion clear on your face, Curtis was finding it hard to maintain the pact.

He takes a glance to his friends seated beside him, who gives him a questioning glance, wondering if he really was going to be the one to say it. He sees David give a small nod of his head. He turns his head over to Frank, and he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place again.

If there was desperation in your eyes, he doesn’t want to know what’s in Frank’s. Frank stares at him with a look of anger and need, despairingly pleading to not say what was on his mind.

Curtis sighs and drops his head. Frank’s gonna kill him.

“Frank enlisted for the Marines,” Curtis tells you, head down and his gaze trained on his folded hands, “He gets shipped out a week after graduation.”

Time seems to stop when Curtis utters those horrible words.

Enlisted? The Marines?

Frank never told you anything about the military. He never told you that he was planning to enlist, he’s never even told you he liked the military. But all of a sudden, he’s decided he wants to be involved when there is a literal fucking war happening?

Frank was smart to not have told you because there is no way in hell you would ever let him sign up. There is no way in hell you are going to let him go.

Your heart feels as though it’s been ripped out of your body and heavy weights have been placed onto your shoulders. You can barely breathe. There seems to be a hundred different thoughts running through your head, and yet none at the same time.

The room is spinning and you need something to grab onto, but your anchor feels a hundred yards away. Frank is sitting right next to you but you already feel like he’s been shipped out overseas and out of your reach, out of the safety of your arms.

You want to cry, you want to scream, you want to hit him, but your body is frozen.

You slowly lean back into the hard, plastic seat at your lunch table, unable to meet the eyes of everyone around you.

He’s going to war.

Nobody goes to war and comes back the same. You’ve taken AP Psychology; you know what happens to the brain during that kind of trauma.

He didn’t even tell you. He’s leaving in less than three weeks and he didn’t even tell you. He told everyone else, but you. You wonder who else knows.

Do his teachers know? Do other students in his classes know. Does Natalie Rushman know? Has everyone known this entire time and have just been hiding it from you, putting on fake smiles and laughs in front of you while they hide the dark, life-altering truth behind your back?

The dread that filled your body is slowly being replaced with a blinding rage that numbs you from head to toe. Your fingers are clenching into a fist so tight, that your nails are making crescent indents on your palms and your teeth are grinding too hard for it to be healthy.

The stares from your friends go unnoticed by you. They can see the change in your body and all they can do it glance at one another.

“(Y/N)?” Karen gently calls to you. Your head snaps up, your narrowed eyes meeting her gentle ones and you are suddenly brought back to reality. Your friends look at you with curiosity and you know you only have one option.

You grab the backpack by your feet and stand up from the table, leaving your plate behind alongside your friends, quickly making your way out of the lunchroom despite the thirty minutes still left of lunch.

You don’t know where you’re going, you just know you have to leave.

The table sits in silence, unsure of what to do with the residing feelings of anger at the table. Frank’s elbows are propped up on the table, his hands folding and unfolding methodically before their eyes. They can see the muscles in his forearms tense and un-tense with the occasional vein popping out. His blood is pulsing and he can feel a powerful headache coming on.

“Y’ever think that maybe–” Frank spits out, his voice deep and gritty as he stares to the side of the lunchroom, “—just maybe, I was waiting for the right time to tell her? Hmm?”

Curtis keeps a strong hold on his gaze, his eyes and voice unwavering at Frank’s threatening tone, “The right time to tell her was when you signed up, Frank.”

“That ain’t for you to decide.”

“Telling her a day before leave is a shitty move. She deserves better than that.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’ about— “

“Man, just shut the hell up and go find her. Tell her you love her before you lose her.”

Frank shuts up, his mouth closing and his retort dying in his throat. He looks over to Karen and David, who both give him a nod in agreement to Curtis’ statement.

Now, Frank doesn’t care much for David’s opinion, because as much as he might like the guy, David has had his own problems in relationships and whatnot. Frank is never eager to get David’s opinion on a situation, but either way he’ll find out what the guy thinks since the man is so adamant on sharing it whether anyone asked or not.

But, Karen is a different story. Frank trusts Karen with his life if necessary. She keeps her secrets and stays true to her words, guiding Frank in times when you couldn’t. She’s gentle and sweet and caring, only wanting the best for others. He values her opinion, always going to her first for help—not counting you, of course. She’s a close friend to him and an even closer one to you.

So, when Frank sees Karen nod her head at him, silently encouraging him to fix his error, he goes. He follows the direction you left in, not caring that he left his trash on the table or his backpack or anything necessary for his next class; He only cares about you.

You had no other place to go but the library.

You couldn’t leave campus and you weren’t about to go to a teacher’s class and have to explain the reason why tears were falling down your face.

The library is the only place where you could successfully hide and not be found.

Unless of course the person searching for you is Frank Castle, who is not only a master in the game of hide-and-seek, but also knows you too well. He finds you with your back against the shelf of Sci-Fi books and your body angled away from the entrance to the area, furiously wiping away the tears running down your face.

He can only stare.

He’s only ever seen you cry three times: Once when your dog died, another while watching ‘Marley and Me’ and then when his dog died. All three, dog related.

So, seeing you cry—no, sob—at his own doings, is heartbreaking. He wants to reach out and touch you, but he can’t bring himself to hurt you even more. He slowly sits himself down in front of you, leaning against the adjacent book shelf and watching you cry.

His presence only makes you cry harder.

He’s the only person you want to see, and yet he’s the last person you want to see. You want him to hold you and comfort you but he’s the reason for your pain. Funny how the world works.

You both sit in silence for a while, listening to your sobs slowly die down before you stare blankly at the wall, your bodies barely touching but the heat still transferring between you two.

Your legs are stretched out over the carpet, your dirty mint green converse almost touching his black boots. A sudden wave of tired washes over you, and you would love nothing more than a nap, until you realize that you still have the rest of the school day to get through.

A bell rings out throughout the school, signaling that lunch has fifteen minutes left.

You don’t know why, but you slowly bring your head to look over at the cause of your pain, who was already staring intently at you. His body seems to perk up at your acknowledgment of him, but slowly sinks down once he sees your red and swollen eyes.

(Frank feels awful for thinking it, but you’ve never looked more beautiful.)

You feel empty, like someone opened your body and stole every though and emotion from you. You have nothing else to give, other than your empty body. A piece of your happiness has been stolen, and you’re never going to get it back.

“You haven’t even left yet, and I already miss you.” The words his Frank like a train and despite the close proximity, he feels like you’re an ocean away. Your tone sounds deflated, and your voice raw and it’s then he realizes just how much he has damaged you within the span of fifteen minutes.

He didn’t realize he had that much power.

(He doesn’t want it.)

You let out a shaky breath and scratch your nose gently and sniffling, “’M not letting you go.”

He sighs, “(Y/N)—“

“No! ‘M not. I don’t care if-if that’s illegal or whatever, but you’re not going. Not over there—Not without me.” You violently shake your head at him, repeatedly licking your lips and stuttering, just trying to get your thoughts in order.

“You’re not going over there— “

“Then neither are you!”

“I have to— “

“No you don’t! You can stay—with me. Where it’s safe. We can-we can do what we always said, y’know? We can get an apartment in the city and-and live together and get some shitty ass jobs and— “

You didn’t realize Frank had gotten closer to you because suddenly he’s holding your face in his hands and you’re staring deep into his brown eyes and you can feel yourself getting lost in the stormy sea. The hurricane of tears is flooding your eyes again and you hold onto Frank’s wrists to try and anchor yourself down.

He places his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths of your scent.

Vanilla and jasmine.

Always vanilla and jasmine.

Frank hears you mumble something, something that he hopes was real but was too clouded for him to actually decipher.

“What?” He asks you, his eyes opening to meet yours.

You take a deep breath, “I said I love you.”

Imaginary fireworks explode in Frank’s head and a warm feeling floods his body. He’s on cloud nine, and only acting on impulse, but he knows it was the right choice when he brings your lips to his.

Your lips work in sync, taking each other in and holding one another like it was the last time. You wrap your arms around Frank’s neck and he brings your body into his lap, his hands running up and down your figure before settling on your hips.

The kiss is needy and desperate, and if it were possible you were never separate from him. It wasn’t the first time you’ve ever kissed Frank, but this one was certainly the best.

You both separate reluctantly, your foreheads still touching and you both breathe out, your breaths mingling with one another.

In the eye of the hurricane, everything seems to come into perspective. All choices, all statements, all actions seem purposeful. It’s an incredibly humbling experience. It’s when you find that every insurmountable problem, has a solution; Every confusing detail, comes into focus; Every miniscule item, shows its massive weight.

It’s where Frank realizes he can’t live without you.

It’s where Frank realizes, you are the only one he needs.

In this whirlwind of emotions, Frank find his single moment of clarity and a decision presents itself. A decision he doesn’t regret, a decision that only made sense to him.

“Marry me.”

And in your moment, you realized that there was only one clear answer.

“Yes.”

He’s your eye of the hurricane. You’ll endure any storm if it means he’s there.

And you won’t regret a single moment.

tag list:

@imamotherfuckingstar-lord

[relaxedreptile]

Fourth Period - Part One

Pairing: Baekhyun X Female Reader

Sexual Content: protected sex. Swearing. Teacher!AU.

A/N: Just a tiny, tiny, tiny, Teacher!Baekhyun series I have been working on.

How long will it be? Two to three parts, most likely.

An AU of this nature was requested what must’ve been two months ago, I apologize for taking so long to provide. Finding time to write has become increasingly hard with school starting back up for me and activities that are centered outside of school.

I am trying my very hardest, loves. Please be patient with me.

Stay safe, alright?

Part One Part Two Part Three

“Any boys catch your eye, Y/N?” “Dad, I’m a senior, there’s no face I haven't seen yet. “Because all of a sudden your school doesn’t take Freshman in anymore.”

You made at a face at the inclination of you dating a freshman. Not only was it illegal, you weren’t going to get yourself involved with a kid who only wanted an older girl because he was sick and tired of going after girls with underdeveloped tits.

“Hey, Y/N, my friend said you’re in one of his classes.” “Chanyeol, there’s endless Parks in my school, he probably-” “He said you had our trademark ears, no mistake could’ve been made,” your brother joked with you.

Chanyeol’s teasing caused you to cup your ears with your hands as to hide them while you pouted.

“What’s wrong with my ears?” Your dad asked, clearly offended, while the rest of your family just laughed at him in turn.

“Which friend was it, honey?”

Chanyeol had a lot of friends.

As a child who had grown up playing baseball, it was only natural for him to join the high school varsity team when the opportunity arose. Only thing was, he was recruited in eighth grade.

Being the youngest on the team (and also one of the best), he was welcomed into the team with open arms and was seen as a little brother in the other player’s eyes. Chanyeol spent a majority of his time around boys that didn't match his age, meaning he had friends two, three, four years older than him. There was an abundance of options when it came to a friend of Chanyeol’s and it was impossible to pinpoint who he was talking about unless he gave you some clues.

“Byun Baekhyun.”

You almost choked on your peas.

You weren’t lying when you told your father there were no boys on your mind, because the one on your mind was a man. And also your teacher.

“I- I thought you meant a student…” “Nope, I told some of my boys on the team to scout you out but he was the only one who got back to me.” “I don’t need you sending your boys to spy on me at school. Having you as the new baseball coach is enough, I don’t need more freakishly tall boys up my ass in the halls.” “Y/N, language.” “Someone needs to keep an eye on my little sister while I’m out in the athletic department, god knows you never go over there.” “You have baseball and I have music. It’s not like you ever come to the music wing.” “As a matter of fact, I do. I visit Baekhyun all the time.”

Your fork almost slipped out of your hand at the mention of your teacher, your heart fluttering as the memories of your first class with the man rose to the surface of your mind.

You couldn’t push the sight of him rolling up his sleeves before beginning our warmups, the way he unbuttoned the first button of his shirt midway through the period when it got too stuffy, and we can’t forget the way his beautiful fingers dash across the black and white keys of the glossy, deep red piano at the front of the room.

You took a large gulp of my water and hoped you family couldn’t see you sweating profusely.

“How did I come up in conversation?” You tried to push for more information as slyly as possible. “We were eating lunch when he brought it up, said you were going to be taking voice lessons with him.”

In your school, it was mandatory for all kids enrolled in choir or any other singing group to receive private voice lessons. They could either get them outside of school from a teacher of their choosing, or they could stick with a teacher from your school.

There were three music instructors who focused on singing and they took a certain amount of students organized alphabetically.

Baekhyun seemed to have been stuck with “M” through “R”.

“Okay, you guys are on clean-up duty,” your dad announced to you and Chanyeol.

The two of you groaned in unison at the thought of sorting leftovers and scrubbing plates. Some things never change.

“I want everyone to hold up two fingers, like this.”

He gestured, we mirrored.

“Now open your mouth, enough to fit those two fingers inside and keep them there.”

The class did as he said.

Baekhyun gave us all a note to sing, watching as our mouths got used to the objects keeping it from closing, as well as giggling at how ridiculous everyone looked.

“That is how wide your mouths should be open when you sing, if not more.”

We all nodded our confirmations, waiting for the next set of instructions from our teacher.

Instead, Baekhyun strolled over to his seat in front of the piano, his fingers resting on the keys as he counted silently. He had a habit of only mouthing counts to make sure we kept all of our attention on him.

As if anyone would want to look away.

By the end of the week, all anyone was taking about the new, very attractive choral instructor. You either wanted to be him, or get with him. Everyone and their mother were after this guy.

“Legend has it, a single glance will have you questioning your sexuality.”

You laughed openly at your friend’s comment, the two of you referring to the well-dressed man sitting opposite Chanyeol in the athletic office, the glass windows allowing both of you a good view of them munching away on the lunch your brother had run out to get for them last minute.

You knocked on the glass once, hoping to get your brother’s attention.

There was no indication that he had heard you, so you tapped a couple more times.

This time, you got a reaction, but not the one you had wanted. Instead of your brother turning to glance at you with a fake look of disgust, Baekhyun had whipped his head around at the sound of your fists, and stared at you with curiosity stitched into his expression.

You sucked in a breath to pull yourself together, offering a soft smile to your teacher before jerking your head in your brother’s direction.

Baekhyun got the hint and turned towards Chanyeol, slapping his knee before telling your brother something you couldn't figure out, but were convinced it was along the lines of “your annoying, unattractive, short ass sister-”

“I’m not getting you out of gym class again, Y/N.” You scoffed at your brother’s statement. “That’s not why I’m here, and I asked you not to tell anyone about that,” you murmured before continuing, “I came to get a ride home.”

“No can do, shorty,” Chanyeol ruffled your hair, much to your disgust, “I got practice in ten minutes.” “Practice? It’s not baseball season yet, football hasn’t even had their first game.”

“Pre-season, baby.” Baekhyun threw his arm around Chanyeol’s shoulders and pulled him down to his level. “Your brother here’s gotta keep the boys in tip-top shape.”

He glanced at you for a moment before his eyes rested on your friend.

“It was nice seeing you two. Y/N. Yeri. Next lunch’s on me, Yeol.”

If your brother wasn’t staring at you, your eyes would’ve been glued to the sight of Byun Baekhyun’s ass.

“Hey, Y/N, I’m gonna run before I miss my bus. Uh, bye Chanyeol,” your friend dashed away as you watched her sway her hips a little more than extra. Yeri had had a crush on Chanyeol for years.

“Can I come to practice with you then and get a ride once it’s over?”

Chanyeol considered this as he shoved a couple things in his bag, packing up for the day.

“Are you sure you don’t mind sitting on the bleachers for two hours?” “It’s better than sitting on the bus for half of one.”

Your brother laughed, understanding your hatred of the bus-ride home all to well. “Come on, let’s head out. I can’t wait to see how much the boys try and show off once they hear you’re going to be watching them.”

Chanyeol was ruthless.

You had grown up watching your brother come home from practice whining and groaning about what his coach had everyone do, but you had never seen what he had gone through to receive the muscle soreness throughout his arms or the gross, yellow bruises scattered across his legs.

You would’ve been crying if you were to attempt half the exercises Chanyeol was putting these boys through, but they were laughing and joking and basically playing grab-ass the entire time. Completely carefree.

Chanyeol had started with laps, forcing the boys to run around the track eight times (which was equal to what, two miles?). You pretended not to notice how the boys would pick up their pace significantly whenever they reached the side of the track you were sitting by. After that round of torture, they were told to find a spot against the fence for wall-sits… that lasted five minutes.

Not once did these boys complain, even after Chanyeol made them grab their bats, drop them straight down, pick them back up, drop them, pick them up, drop them… all because #94 (you didn't know his name) threw his bat too hard when they were playing a small game of their own.

If Chanyeol’s coach was anything like he was, I could see why he came home so beat up. I could also see why the team hasn’t lost a game in fifteen years.

“They’re good, aren’t they? Your brother is doing a good job.”

You looked to the right of you and the bleachers, eyes widening when they settled on the image of Baekhyun, dressed in a pair of jeans paired with a white shirt that he must’ve changed into at the end of the day.

You nodded a couple times, obviously flustered but trying hard to hide it. Knowing this was an opportunity to make a good impression on the man, you took a deep breath before facing him.

“I didn’t know baseball was so… hardcore.”

Baekhyun turned to face you once he realized you were speaking to him, and laughed at your obvious expression of surprise.

“You should’ve seen the guy Chanyeol replaced. I was stuck with him and his drills for four years and now I can’t even look at sunflower seeds anymore.” You raised your eyebrow, pushing for more of an explanation. Baekhyun refused to comply, shaking his head in a way that expressed his comical distress and turning back to face the field.

“Makes me glad I don’t play a sport.”

Your eyes hadn’t left his face after he turned away from you, now focusing on the way the one visible side of his face turned up in a genuine smile.

“You have music, that’s enough.” “Says the man who managed to do both,” you pointed out.

He laughed at this, a mental victory for you.

“And yet, look at which one I ended up choosing, the one that, arguably, took me somewhere.”

Thinking back to a few weeks ago, when Chanyeol had been offered the job you had been watching him fulfill before your eyes, you vaguely remember Chanyeol’s pride at assuming he was picked over Baekhyun. Your brother hadn't known at the time that both were “tied for first place” (as always), but seeing as how the latter was employed by the same school in an entirely different academic area, Chanyeol was the obvious option.

“Chanyeol seemed devastated when you turned down that college in America… what was it? Vanderhills?” “Vanderbilt.”

Baekhyun’s demeanor changed with your mention of the University. Within a single moment, it was back to normal, minus the slight somber tone in his following confession.

“Only one student from our school would be accepted by Vanderbilt, but both Chanyeol and I applied. Even though we were both seen as the best-” “They chose you. Probably because of your music, right? You had something extra?”

Baekhyun turned back to face you, gifting you with a dazzling smile that was probably another reason that university overseas wanted him so badly. He would’ve been used all over their brochures.

“I guess I’m the reason you didn't have your brother for four years, right?”

You shrugged in your seat on the cold bleachers, rubbing your thighs to generate more heat.

“That also makes you the reason I got to visit the Grand Ole Opry and Graceland during visits to Chanyeol.” “Anything so my students can have some more exposure.”

You returned the smile he was presenting you with, hyperaware of the blush rising to the surface of your cheeks.

Your teacher broke the eye contact, unfortunately, and glanced uncertainly at the very bleachers your ass was planted on.

There were six levels of the bleachers, each one higher than the other, with space for about ten people on benches that were interrupted by stairs to the higher levels. Once the stairs stopped, the bleachers resumed and it worked like a pattern for thirty-two feet across. Plenty of room for any spectator to sit back and enjoy the game.

So why did Baekhyun decide to plop his ass down right next to yours?

“I could see your shivering shaking the entire set of bleachers, I had to hold them down myself,” Baekhyun defended his actions.

You giggled halfheartedly, mind still racing over the fact that the hottest man you have ever seen is sitting merely inches away from-

“When does the practice end?” You were ripped from your thoughts, reaching for your phone to check how much longer these boys had before they were home free. “One more hour of torture and they can rest.” “Yes, they can rest just to wake up sore the next morning.” “At least I can keep my throat from getting sore.” “Don’t jinx it, maybe I’ll drag everyone out here tomorrow and start rehearsal with a mile or two.”

You recoiled from your teacher, one hand splayed over your heart in a mocking manner.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Baekhyun didn't bother coming up with a snarky reply for your joke, he just settled on laughing and almost rolling off the silver bleachers in the process.

“With those acting skills, I’m surprised the drama department hasn't recruited you.”

You smile sheepishly, neglecting to mention that the drama club instructor actually has asked you to join multiple-

“I’m going to have to head out right now, I’m expecting some sheet music to get delivered today… and no,” your face scrunched in a pout, “you’ll find out what the songs are when everyone else does.”

You flashed him a playful scowl that you both knew you could only get away with because this man sitting next to you was your brother’s best friend. And your teacher. He’s your teacher, Y/N.

Baekhyun stood up and made his way to the end of the bench, stopping his feet as his hand made contact with the makeshift stairway railing.

“They’ve got another hour, you said?”

You nodded once, not really sure where the hell this was going.

Baekhyun glanced out onto the field for a moment, obviously considering something, making a decision.

“Come on,” he ordered, “grab your stuff. I’ll give you a ride home.”

Your eyes bulged outwards as your mind followed suit, going completely blank.

Baekhyun could sense your confusion, your slight panic, and decided to try and save his own ass before you pictures him as some old man luring a little girl into the back of his car to look for his dog.

“I won't let you sit out here for another hour. Who knows, your brother might even make you drag the equipment inside.” The two of you looked over to the field, where bases and bats and balls were organized in stacks and buckets. “Sure, Chanyeol might be a little upset that you won’t suffer any longer,” he laughed as he spoke, “but I think he’ll appreciate one less thing on his plate.”

I silently agreed, appalled by the amount of responsibly resting on Chanyeol’s shoulders myself.

“Yeah, okay. That would be really nice. Thank you, Mr. Byun.” “Seriously? ‘Mr. Byun?’ I even tell my students to call me Baekhyun!” “Mr. Byun has a nice ring to it,” you teased, slipping past your teacher to make your way down the stairs with a bounce in your step that could only be from the promise of alone time with Baekhyun.

The two of you walked towards the teacher’s parking lot at the back of the school in silence, your body in front of his despite you not actually knowing where Baekhyun’s car was parked.

Once the sound of feet pounding on sidewalk was replaced with the sound of feet on gravel, you turned to face Baekhyun, arm outstretched towards the parking lot that was close to empty.

Your teacher seemed to understand the gesture and sped up his strides in search of his vehicle. You took advantage of the opportunity to stare at his ass.

‘It is totally unfair that a dude has a better butt than me.’

“Here we are, your majesty.”

You snapped your attention back to Baekhyun’s smiling face, hoping to God he didn’t catch you checking him out, and looked over at the car to Baekhyun’s right. Only, it wasn’t a car. It was a motorcycle. A full-blown motorcycle with sparkling silver handlebars, smooth leather seats, and navy blue detailing.

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

But, oh no, Byun Baekhyun was certainly not kidding. He was already retrieving his helmet from where it was lodged underneath one of the seats, busying himself with tightening the straps.

Your teacher let out a huff of amusement at your reaction to the gorgeous bike, although he seemed a bit offended at your astonishment.

“What? Am I not cool enough to drive a motorcycle?” You shook your head quickly, eyes still locked on the spokes of the back wheel, trying to figure out why they resembled a hexagon with an extra line segment coming out from the center.

“I… I’ve always wanted to ride a motorcycle,” you admit to your teacher, finally looking back up at his face that easily rivaled the beauty of the bike. “Then today is your lucky day,” Baekhyun replied, handing you the helmet he was previously adjusting. “Where’s yours?” You questioned, slipping the helmet over your head before securing it. “I’ve only got the one and I don’t need you getting hurt. Chanyeol would probably kill me if he knew I was doing this, regardless, gotta make sure I get you home without a scratch.” “I’m not a car,” you mumbled.

Baekhyun swung his leg over the side of the motorcycle and planted his butt on the front end of the seat, leaving room for you on the back. You stayed where you were, basically standing in the middle of the parking lot, arms crossed over your body defensively.

“Aren’t you coming?” “Isn’t it dangerous?” You asked Baekhyun, visibly terrified.

Baekhyun cocked his head to the side and gave an amused smile as he thought about how cute you were acting.

“Don’t worry,” he assured you, “just hold onto my waist. I’ve got you.”

You blushed at his words, glad that the helmet shielded the rosy tint of your cheeks. Not that Baekhyun would’ve noticed otherwise, he had turned away from you the moment he felt the heat from his words rising to the surface of his own cheeks.

“This is like a weird romance movie,” you joked, doing as Baekhyun said and gently wrapping your arms around his small torso. Baekhyun laughed and flicked a few dials, adjusted a few levers. “I’m not sure Korea is ready for a romance movie about a teacher and his student.”

Your mouth stayed shut as your mind screamed that you were more than ready for a romance like that.

“You ready?”

Baekhyun’s head turned on his neck so that he could view your helmet-clad head, smiling at the way your neck struggled to keep everything upright if the way your head was bobbing back and forth was any sign of a struggle.

“I hope your parents don’t hate me for this.”

[niallssecret]

•Logistics  Pt. 1•

A/N: I made this banner so that it’s less bulky on your dash when I post a new one, I hope yall like it :) My official posting days for this one are Fridays and Sundays. Enjoy, and tell me what you think! :) also this is the least sexy title i know but it’ll make more sense tommorow I swear lol 

Five Days. That’s all it’s been, not even an entire week, and in that time Jasmine has discovered an entirely new kind of sexually frustration. Part of her feel like she should be embarrassed. After all it hasn’t been that long since she and Niall had had sex. If anything they’d been having more and it was amazing. It was always good with Niall. He was just as attentive to her as he always is, it was passionate and sweet. But a girl has her needs. Very specific needs.

She needed a fuck. Just one really good rough fuck.Nialls’ specially on normal days, but he’d been holding out on her recently and she was not happy about it. In fact she was down right pouty, but she didn’t care. She’d earned the right to be. How could he expect any-less, after spoiling her for so long to just quit cold turkey. It just wasn’t realistic. But Jasmine decided that she do something about it, whatever it was. Tonight.

It was another one of their movie nights. The two of them were snuggled up under a blanket together on the couch. Niall squished between the couch and Jasmine’s back with his hands comfortably around her waist. He planted a few kisses to her shoulder every now and then, but he his attention stayed on the screen. Unacceptable. One thing she knows and loves about Niall is how easy it is for her to get him going. And tonight she planned on taking full advantage of it.

Niall placed one more soft peck in the crook of her neck. She figured now was the perfect opportunity, so she ever so slightly shifted her position on the couch. Conveniently, grinding her hips against him. She felt him tense behind her, as he clears his throat, clearly caught off guard but that’s it. Come on Horan.

She does it again, this time disguising it as rearranging the blanket draped over them. This time she gets a little moan and a tighter grip on her hips. A small victory but, not exactly what she wanted.  She does it one last time, with a much more purposely swivel in her hips into him. His grip on her waists gets a little fighter tighter as he puts some space between them.

“Jasmine.” For some reason he’s whispering in her ear as if they were really at a theater. His voice is deeper than usual, and with that tone that Jasmine’s been craving for the last few days.

She turns her had looking at him over her shoulder.

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing?”  He used that tone again, and Jasmine tries her best to keep her face neutral.

“Nothing.”

She waits a few minutes before pushing back on him one more time. As quick as she started, he was tapping on her hip, signaling her to shift over.

“I'll be right back.” He gets up, makes a move for the kitchen without even a look back a Jasmine, whose annoyed sexual fruition has morphed into slightly ticked off.

She’s never been the one to initiate sex. Truthfully, it was just that she didn’t have the confidence for it. And while Niall made her feel like the most beautiful women in the world every day, something was always holding her back. Figures the one time she tries to start anything she’s shot down. So yeah, her pride is a little hurt.

He comes back in with a beer for him, and another soda for her. It was a sweet gesture, sure, and she accepts it. She snatches out of his hands and makes a point to open the can as obnoxiously as possible. Jasmines settled herself into one side of the couch, claiming the blanket for herself. Niall without without batting an eye settles himself into the other arm of the couch, shifting around making himself comfortable. Jasmine pull her gaze away from the movie for moment, to look at Niall, who seems perfectly content. Eyes glued to the screen happily sipping his Heineken. Really?

Just as she’s preparing to go into full tantrum mode, he reaches over, tugging on her ankle motioning for her to come closer. For a second she thought about ignoring him, like he’d done her the whole night. But there hasn’t been a single time she’d denied Niall and should couldn’t start now. No matter how mad she was, he really was the the best body pillow.  So she maneuvers her way to his side of the couch, laying her head in his lap. She takes an over dramatic sigh, and goes back to pretending to watch the movie. After a few minutes of Niall drawing patterns up and down her arms, sets his beer down on the table next him and looks down at Jasmine.

“Is something wrong?”

“ ‘m fine.”  

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

He rolls his eyes a little with the fondest smile on his face, and he knows it's only a matter of time before she finally cracks. She’s going to burst into a tiny fit of anger that, on Jasmine can only be described as endearing. He silently counts down from one hundred, but he only makes it to about eighty-four when she sits up, throwing the blanket off of her and facing him.

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

“Avoiding you?” When he asks he’s not playing her game anymore, he’s genuine confused. He was doing the opposite, if anything he was afraid she was going to ask him to stop hovering, he’d been attached to her so much over the last week.

“Well not me, but. When we have sex, your not. We don't do the fun stuff anymore.” She was trying to find a way to say it without using the words from the wiki page he’d showed her. One because the words still felt weird coming from her mouth, but also because she didn’t really know what it all meant. She didn’t want to say one thing when she meant the other, so she described it the best she could.

“Fun stuff?”

He was doing that thing that Jasmine hates and it only makes her more angry. Well Jasmine angry, which really just reads as a mildly annoyed school teacher.

“Niall…”

His smirk fades when he looks at her face and sees something that looks like hurt behind her eyes.

“I’m not, avoiding, you Jazzie. I’m just giving us a -  cooling off period.”

Jasmine raises her eyebrows waiting for him to further explain himself.

“There was a lot of information thrown at you last week.” Five days ago actually. “I wanted to give you time to process it everything.”

“I’ve processed Niall. It’s been processed for…going on five days now.”

“Jasmine.”

“I told you to teach me Niall. Which would imply you not completely stop what you’ve been doing.” Her tone shocks her. Its full of authority and confidence, it’s only comes out at important times. Level 10 Sexual Frustration must be one of those.

“I know that Jazz.”

“Then why have you been acting weird.”

He turns his body to her, taking both of her hands in his, trying to get her to calm down.

“Because, if we’re going to do this. If  what we talked about last week is what you really want then there needs to be some rules.”

“Excuse me?” She moves to pull her hands away from his but he keeps them in his grasp.

Niall loves this side of Jasmine. The confident ‘take no prisoners Jasmine’. It’s a side he doesn’t see enough, but sassy Jasmine is also impatient and impulsive. And this was not a time in which either of those things would be helpful.

He pinches the bridge of his nose letting out an exasperated sigh.

“Jesus. Not rules. But - guidelines.”  Jasmine still wasn’t impressed at the prospect. She liked Niall telling her what to do. But only when they are - having fun.

“For the both of us.”

“What kind of guidelines?”

“To makes sure that I don’t  go over the line with you. So far I’ve been winging it, and luckily everything has been fine.” He her in the eye with an almost questioning look in his eyes, and Jasmine gave him a shy nod back.

“But if you want me to ‘teach you’ - then we can’t do that anymore. I need to know exactly what is and isn’t okay with you.”

“Fair enough.” Listening to him explain it all a little bit, she feels a little bad about her tantrum. He was just looking out for her, like always. She may not like it always or understand it immediately but she knows he has her best interest at heart. And especially with this.

“And that goes both ways Jazzie. It’s important that we are on the same page with this. The whole time.”

She gives him another shy nod, but Niall raises his eyebrows waiting for more.

“Okay.”

He gives her hands a reassuring squeeze, and quick peck to her knuckles. “Thank you.”

“So what are  these guidelines.”

“Well for starters, you need to start telling me what's going on in that bratty little brain of yours. I’m not a mind reader Jazz. It’s important I know where your at with everything.” He’s still running his thumb over her knuckles  in small circles, trying to keep her focused in the moment rather than stuck in her head.

“And I’ll get better about checking in on you. Because I know how you are, and I know it’s easier for you if I start first.” He states the last part as if asking for confirmation from Jasmine. All he gets is another small nod, but he takes it.

She knows it’s important  and she’s working on being better about it. But communication is hardly her strong suite.She’s definitely made progress since being with Niall. He’s such an amazing listener and the least judgmental person she’s ever meet, but there’s still that misplaced guilt every-time she tries to speak up and let her feelings be heard.

“I’m working on it.” Her voice is quite and shy like it was the last time they had a conversation about this.

He gives her hands a light squeeze and flashes her a small smile.

“I know babe, its okay.” Niall shifts around on the couch a bit, his cheeks puffing out as he lets out a breath.

“The other things are just- logistics.”

“Logistics?” 

He looks at her for a minute before swiftly getting up and moving towards his bedroom. He comes back seconds later with his laptop. 

Goddamnit. 

[rantingsurvivor]

tw: details of abuse, description of past suicide attempts.

My name is Sean Evans, I am an autistic transmasc (ey/em or he/him) who lives in Abbotsford, BC, and from 2018 until June 2020, I was emotionally and sexually abused by Monica Phillips (aka "joyousmonica" or "supruler" on various sites, and an official "Pokemon Professor" who runs Pokemon TCG League events at House of Cards Abbotsford when they aren't cancelled cuz of the 'rona).

I started dating Monica in 2011, and she moved in to my house in early 2012.

In 2018, she cheated on me; when I confronted her, she told me that if I cared about her happiness, I would accept her relationship with the person she cheated with, Beru Bell (aka "spectacularbear"). At this point, Beru (also autistic & non-binary; uses they/them) began sleeping over numerous times a week, using my workspace as a bedroom. At this time, I was trying to prepare for vending at local Pride events, & was using the common area of our suite as my workspace overnight, particularly on nights when Monica was sleeping with the metamour she HAD told me about before starting a relationship (Liz; I'll talk about her eventually). My warning that Beru was going to sleep over for the night was that they changed into their pyjamas & started setting up for bed in my workspace.

I was accused of being "unwelcoming" for asking Beru to let me know when they were sleeping over before setting up for the night. Actually, I wasn't allowed to

Beru and I have another thing in common: we both have gut issues. In their case, onions were a trigger. When I eventually asked Monica to let me know when Beru was coming home from work with her so I could make sure there were some options they could eat without taking over our only bathroom for hours, Beru interrupted our conversation from across the room to shut down my boundaries. I later got in trouble for a tweet expressing my frustration at the incident, because it made Beru upset. I was accused of not accommodating their autism... because I asked for the ability to schedule my evening & the ability to access our single bathroom that was now being shared by FOUR people, and said that I needed to be able to set boundaries.

Beru Bell did not respect a single boundary I set until the point I insisted on going completely non-contact with them.

It's worth mentioning, throughout this whole thing, Beru had an apartment where they lived alone. Until *I* suggested it (after several months of attempting to be polite), the two of them did not spend any significant amount of time there. Beru DID spend a large amount of time at Monica's work & was just as "bad with boundaries" there as they were elsewhere, to the point where multiple people expressed concern that Monica would be fired from her job at House of Cards in downtown Abbotsford over it.

For a while after I went non-contact with Beru, I thought that Monica might have actually understood why I couldn't be around a person who constantly violated my boundaries, including one memorable occasion where I was lying in my bed half naked with the door shut & talking to Monica, & Beru walked in without knocking or so much as a single word with me & climbed into the bed to cuddle Monica.

During this period, Monica made a new friend, Claire. Monica was very concerned about Claire liking her... and Beru. She was not so concerned with Claire liking me, however. Claire has since accused me of lying about Monica, because Monica told Claire (as well as a bunch of other people, including people that I've never met) that I had no reason to actually dislike Beru & was... idk, jealous?

Monica's story became "Sean consented to me dating Beru & then changed his mind," which is also what she tried to tell the couples counselor we visited.

Not long after this whole mess began, Monica & I both started HRT. Yes, she'll probably accuse me of outing her, no, I don't give a shit- it's relevant to how she abused me. You see, Monica didn't like condoms, and since HRT had prooobably made us both at least temporarily infertile, she didn't see why she should wear one for PIV with me. I was not comfortable with this, but after she started arguing with my objections, I gave up fighting; I was afraid of "picking a fight" by explaining just how uncomfortable I was, not just from the pregnancy-risk induced dysphoria, but because she wanted to have unprotected sex after cheating on me. This happened twice before I basically started ignoring her requests for PIV & exclusively going down on her instead.

Of course, she had to ruin that, too. One day in either late September or early October 2019 (I am Extremely Bad At Dates, but I can narrow it down to like a 10-day window based on the light from outside & other details I remember a lot better than specific dates) Monica came home from Beru's earlier than usual & begged me to go down on her. I can't remember if she actually said the words "right now" when she asked, but she hadn't even finished taking off her shoes when she yelled "Seaaan, I really want you to go down on me" across the house. I remember thinking a couple of things in particular:

"I guess this must be an effect of progesterone that took a few months to kick in?" and

"Liz isn't just at work, she's on a trip, so there's no chance we'll be interrupted by her getting home early."

When I actually started, though, I was kinda confused at first. She tasted strange, and the texture of the fluids was off. Again, I thought it must be the changes to her body chemistry... until I'd consumed enough of the vaginal fluid coating her dick to actually taste HER and realize that what I was tasting before probably came from Beru.

The worst part is, I felt like I was obligated to get her off before I confronted her to confirm what I tasted. So I did. And then I confronted her about whether she'd had bareback PIV with Beru before getting me to go down on her, & she confirmed it. And I felt bad about upsetting her by confronting her, & blamed myself.

& this continued. Every 3rd night, she spent the night at Beru's. It became impossible to schedule around her on those days- when she was leaving, when she'd be back. I'd spend hours on the days she was coming home caught in a limbo because of my inability to actually set a schedule. Monica became even crueler & more distant.

It finally came to a head when I tried to kill myself twice in 4 days in June, at which point she was switching meds and cycling through (equally cruel) manic and depressive states. Both of my suicide attempts this year were motivated entirely by my desire to avoid or cease inconveniencing Monica and Beru. The first attempt was opportunistic & unplanned- around 3 am I realized I was bleeding internally, thought it was a potentially fatal rupture... and decided to try to go to sleep instead of contacting Monica for help. I finally gave in and sent her a message saying I needed to go to the hospital around 6pm the next day.

The second time, I wrote a pseudo-will, calculated dosages, & decided to gamble on whether Liz would brave the awkwardness of actually saying something to me when she got home or just hide in her room & ignore the world. Fortunately for me, she acknowledged me when she got home, so I asked her to hide the painkillers.

That's the night I dumped Monica. Since I broke up with her, she played games for like 2 months about getting her stuff from my garage, continued accused me of sending her to the psych ward (she was on her way there well before my attempts- burning thru half an oz of weed a week & dabbling in shit like GHB while underplaying the fact that her new meds didn't play well with weed was her call, & she made it pretty clear that my concerns weren't really worth paying attention to), and sent the cops to my home on a false "wellness check" in retaliation for rescinding a 5 star review of her workplace & pointing out that using the place where you work *with kids* to meet up with the person you're cheating with isn't cool.

Now, I end up seeing her every time I let my guard down traveling thru downtown Abbotsford, which is a problem, because guess what part of town my house is in? 🙃

TL;DR: Monica Phillips of Abbotsford BC is a rapist who emotionally and sexually abused an autistic trans person over the course of two years. Her partner Beru Bell initiated & participated in parts of the abuse, and repeatedly used their autism dx as an excuse to violate other people's boundaries.

[nyxelestia]

I dunno if you've discussed this before, but I was curious to hear your opinion. Do you think the Hale family was 100% matriarchal? not only was Talia in charge but she didn't seem to take her husband's surname (evidenced by the fact that Peter was also Hale and so far only Hales are the ones capable of fully shifting) and when Deaton was talking about Laura he said that Talia had been grooming her into the next alpha, she never considered Derek for the position (it could be an age thing tho)

This turned very long, anon, so most of it is under a cut.

TL;DR - There isn't any canonical support for matriarchal werewolves, but there isn't any canonical opposition to it, either, and canon does support a feminine leadership style among werewolves over a masculine one. Meanwhile, leaning towards matrilineal or matriarchal structure among werewolves (or supernaturals in general) would explain a lot of the inconsistencies about supernaturals in folklore and mythology.

There are two parts to this: what actually happens on-screen, and my own headcanons (which is not limited to the Hale family alone).

So are the Hales matriarchal?

On-screen, in canon - we don't really know. Definitely, for the last two generations, the werewolves in charge happened to be women. Talia seems to have kept her maiden name upon marriage, but based on age and location, this isn't necessarily that unusual. (I'm slightly biased when it comes to surnames, as my parents gave me a different last name altogether when I was born to stick it to the patriarchy.)

Talia and Laura both happened to be the oldest siblings, so definitely, werewolves are not patriarchal - there's no pressure for the oldest son to be the alpha, but there does some to be a preference or pressure for the oldest child, or maybe for the child most capable of leadership regardless of their gender or age.

That said, "matriarchal" and "patriarchal" don't actually mean much in isolation - isolation, in this case, meaning one family, even a large one. Those are terms to describe communities and cultures, and in that sense, we need to look at werewolves at large - where we don't see evidence either way. There's never any concrete indication of preference for one gender over another, and absence of patriarchy is not automatically matriarchy.

Additionally, when the alphas in the 3A flashbacks are discussing what to do about the Hunters, Talia suggests going because "Hunters are matriarchal" - which could suggest that werewolves are not.

Could.

Because now we go into headcanon territory, at which point we start busting out the mythology.

Absence of patriarchy is not a canonical confirmation of matriarchy, but it is a great foundation for a headcanon of matriarchy. Something we see time and again in Teen Wolf is that the traditional myths are not reliable - they are thousand-year-old telephone games, distortions of reality with little more than a few grains of truth to their story.

From the historical standpoint, a lot of Bronze Age mythologies are very matrilineal in nature. While they weren't matriarchal by virtue of lacking any -archal structure, a matrilineal structure in a pre-accumulation society often leads to an effective matriarchy.

Somewhat interestingly, the werewolves do operate a lot on Bronze Age ethics. Very brutal by our modern standards, but pretty reasonable for Bronze Age standards.

(Bronze Age, I use not just in reference to the strict time period, but rather/also as a catch-all term to indicate cultures and societies prior to agricultural urbanization.)

History has a long, well, history of downplaying, distorting, or outright erasing the presence and contributions of women and other marginalized communities. You can read more about them here and here.

There's one which stands out, though:

“Ancient moon priestesses were called virgins. ‘Virgin’ meant not married, not belonging to a man - a woman who was ‘one-in-herself’. The very word derives from a Latin root meaning strength, force, skill; and was later applied to men: virle. Ishtar, Diana, Astarte, Isis were all all called virgin, which did not refer to sexual chastity, but sexual independence. And all great culture heroes of the past, mythic or historic, were said to be born of virgin mothers: Marduk, Gilgamesh, Buddha, Osiris, Dionysus, Genghis Khan, Jesus - they were all affirmed as sons of the Great Mother, of the Original One, their worldly power deriving from her. When the Hebrews used the word, and in the original Aramaic, it meant ‘maiden’ or ‘young woman’, with no connotations to sexual chastity. But later Christian translators could not conceive of the ‘Virgin Mary’ as a woman of independent sexuality, needless to say; they distorted the meaning into sexually pure, chaste, never touched.”

This poses a very interesting question on the nature of the "Virgins" the Darach needed for her sacrifices, and I actually posit that pursuing Judeo-Christian virgins for a Pagan ritual may've tripped her up a bit or weakened her power, but that's a digression for another day.

More relevantly, it does shed some light onto this old Tumblr post:

The "grumpy grandma" version of that story/comic is very much a matriarchal take on the werewolf lore.

Now, how does this relate back to Teen Wolf?

After all, we see both men and women in charge, the main character is a man, and we don't really get to see how packs other than Scott's work that much.

First let's take a stab at what it means to lead "maternally" or with feminine traits, vs what it means to lead "paternally" or with masculine traits. Then let's try applying it to the characters we've seen thus far.

Now, what does the difference between masculinity and femininity really entail? Well, this post actually encapsulates the femininity aspect quite well - both in the actual meta itself, and in the mass of bullshit that accompany the 4th reblog/2nd gif.

Those traits were proscribed to a character who rarely or never expressed them purely because he was the physically weakest character, and this speaks a lot to our misconceptions of masculinity and femininity as leadership models. "Strong = manly" and therefore "weak = womanly", amirite or amirite? /s

While they were projected onto the wrong person - arguably one of the "manliest" characters on the show despite also being the materially weakest - the traits themselves were summarized pretty eloquently: "feminine qualities tend to be nurturing, patience, loving, empathy".

Almost all of the protagonists demonstrate these to some degree at various points throughout the show - but the one who we see demonstrating it the most is actually a man, Scott.

Scott's going into a career of nurturing, his defeat of various antagonists often boils down to having a little more patience than them, and of course he is a very loving and empathic individual throughout the show. This is the guy whose response to someone holding a gun on him and talking about how they want to shoot him is "I get that". This is a guy who puts the safety and security of his loved ones over his pride without a second thought, not even hesitating to offer to beg for their lives if that's what the villain wanted.

Now let's compare that to someone over on the opposite extreme - Peter, as an alpha in the very first season. He doesn't strive to protect, and in fact quite the opposite - he's willing to kill his own niece for that leadership role, that power. He tries to lead through fear, not respect.

Derek sits in the middle, in that he starts out leading in a masculine way, but then transitions over time towards the feminine - very much in correlation to his relationship to Scott.

Now, let's take a look at the other alphas - when they are trying to lead with violence, with fear, or just pursuing power, they are shown in a negative light (in and out of universe), and demonstrated to be toxic leaders. This means Peter, Season 2 Derek, and the alpha pack.

However, the alphas who are portrayed in a positive light (both in and out of universe), who are respected, and who are seen as a role model of what kind of alpha to be, are Scott, Talia, Satomi, and when they aren't being subject to the violence of the alpha pack, even Deucalion (and up to a certain extent, Ennis). Scott, Talia, and Satomi are far more patient and "quiet" leaders, treating violence as a last resort instead of a first course of action. They preferred diplomacy over domination. Deucalion was described as a visionary during a time when he tried to reach out to the tremendously violent Argents with peace. And Ennis' pre-alpha-pack defining characteristic (second to Biting Paige at Derek's request) is his referral to himself and his pack as the family of a lost packmember - aka, grief borne out of love.

Another term I want to consider is what I used above - matrilineal, rather than matriarchal. Matrilineal basically just means that family is traced through mothers, not through fathers (which is predominantly how they are traced today in most cultures across the world). It's slow and more "sustainable" than "expansionary" - but, compared to paternal lineage, it's reliabe. It's very easy to mix up or lose track of who a baby's father was, but there's no mistaking who its mother is. Part of the source of matrilineal and potential matriarchal traditions and social clout/power is the ability to give and trace life. Basically, the capacity to create more people, while obviously dependent on both sexes, has largely been associated with feminity and the female sex/side of reproduction.

And what is one of the biggest differences between alphas and other werewolves? The ability to create more werewolves.

(Incidentally, while Talia most likely just had a husband whose name she didn't take, it's entirely possible that the reason why we never hear about Laura, Derek, and Cora's father is because they didn't have one. If they are a matrilineal family/culture, then paternity doesn't matter, only maternity, so it's entirely possible that their biological fathers are two or three different men (which would explain why they don't really look alike) that don't play a huge part in those kids lives. I don't consider it likely - after all, werewolves are hardly isolated away from the rest of the world - but it is possible, and it would be an example of what it means for a family or culture to be matrilineal.)

Anyway!

While there isn't really much in the way of canonical support of a matriarchal structure for the Hales/werewolves in general, there isn't much canonical opposition to it, either. Combined with all the other evidence, I headcanon that werewolves and the supernatural in general are matriarchal, or at least lean towards matriachal/maternal leadership - Hunters are just an institutionalization of it with their propensity for female leaders.

Additionally, this can also explain a lot of the inconsistencies in mythology and folklore, and in supernatural "history" in general. Most of what we know beforehand - our baseline knowledge that Teen Wolf then often subverts - is information filtered through centuries of imperialism and patriarchy. The history surrounding the Voynich Manuscript, alone, is a horrific insight into how women's history and health gets warped and wiped away under patriarchy - and men have to live with us. Humans don't have to live with supernaturals day in and day out.

So I further like to headcanon that the supernatural leaning towards matrilineal or matriarchal social structure is part of why there's been so much inconsistency in the myths and folklore about them. Whenver human men would try to record knowledge, they would do through the lens of patriarchy, in which this supernatural social system effectively becomes invisible, by virtue of being incomprehensible.

TL;DR - The Hales - or werewolves in general - being matriarchal isn't supported by canon, but it's not opposed by canon, either, and it should would explain a LOT about the supernatural world of Teen Wolf.

[dailyhockeyimagines]

anders lee // tinder

requested by @thunder-strome

warnings: none

who: anders lee x reader

premise: just as you are about to give up on online dating, a certain guy comes around and changes things for the better

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your thumb lingered over the app in your dock until it shook, a small “x” appearing in the corner, inviting you to escape the weird messages and men that came with Tinder. You had already deleted all of the other apps your friends had downloaded on your phone on a whim, but for some reason you were finding it hard to delete Tinder. Maybe it was fate that made up your mind to keep the app that day, or maybe you just didn’t care enough either way, but, no matter the explanation, you were happy that you did.

As a graduate student, time was not your friend. You were just about always writing a paper or handing in some other work for your professor, barely ever making time for the things you loved, like hockey and your friends. So of course you never had time to do the things you didn’t love, like dating per se. It’s not like you really had anything against love it was just that the process of dating was fake and draining to you, so you really couldn’t get behind missing out on a game or a night out with your friends to awkwardly laugh and sip wine with a guy you didn’t know.

Your room mates in your small Brooklyn apartment, as much as you loved them, didn’t understand this. And while they couldn’t force you to go put yourself out there in the real world, they could make an online profile for you on just about every site out there. Could and would.

One Saturday morning, you awoke to dozens of e-mails confirming your accounts from everyone from Match.com to Christian mingle. Before you could yell at your friends, they persuaded you to just try it out. And, yeah, you were a bit curious.

You gave every account a sliver of your time, tossing some out earlier than others, but being disappointed in all of them. Every guy was a cardboard cut out of each other, each pulling stupid pick up lines out of their asses in a futile attempt to get in your pants. Eventually, you were left with just one: Tinder. The easiest and most casual of them all. Also the biggest joke of them all. It was a long shot to expect to find anyone decent on Tinder, but, as an English major, you happened to be a bit more hopeful than most.

You found that your eyes were getting tired as you swiped mindlessly through drunken smiles and mirror selfies. You matched with a few people, but, upon hearing their opening lines, quickly unmatched with them. You were about to give up when one photo stopped you. 

Bright eyes and a kind, familiar smile met you gleefully, as you were mesmerized by the curves under his cheek bones. You knew this boy. You had to have known this boy. He was so familiar... you just couldn’t place it. 

Andrew, 26.

While the age matched up with yours, you couldn’t remember every knowing any Andrews– maybe a drunken college hookup? It was killing you inside, but all you could to do now was swipe right and pray that he would do the same.

The next morning when you wake up, you eagerly (maybe too eagerly) check your notifications to see if you and this Andrew matched. And now, for the moment of truth, you prayed he wasn’t a douche.

You spent a little longer than you cared to admit typing out a message to him, carefully wording eloquent sentences until you deleted it all and sent a hurried:

do I know you??? 

Minutes later, your phone made a short ringing tone that you would soon come to love. 

                                      not yet. but we can change that, if you want to

Okay so you had to admit he was pretty good. It wasn’t inherently sexual but it was still a sexy response. He was clever. You maybe liked him too much already.

maybe I do...

                                      well that’s convenient cause I want to get to know you

You spend another hour or so in your bed, smiling at your phone and his words that make you laugh and warm your heart at the same time. You really liked him already. You had both established that there was never a place in your life where you could have over lapped, but there was still something so familiar about him. 

Eventually your roommates come in, demanding you to explain why you are so blushy all of a sudden, but you refused to tell them. You’d tell them if anything more happened. For now, you two were just talking. 

And talk you did. Basically every waking moment, you were checking your phone and thinking of cute things to say. You two had moved on from texting on the tinder app to actually texting, and, sometimes, talking on the phone or over face time.

You were confident enough in what you had with Andrew that you deleted the app, the last evidence of your friend’s plan of finding you love. They were disappointed when they noticed, but little did they know that for the first time, their love plan may have actually worked. You told them about Andrew out of pity, thriving as they gushed at his sweet texts and cute photos. You were hesitant about showing them at first because you were afraid to admit that they were right, but were happy to have someone to be giddy with about him now.

You especially were excited when you got a package from him in the mail. Your friends gathered around you as you opened it, just as anxious as you about its contents.

Inside the box, you find two front row tickets to the next islanders game and it takes all of your willpower not to scream. It’s okay though, because your friends do it for you. They jump up and down with excitement, feeling particularly accomplished as match makers and self proclaimed bridesmaids for your wedding with Andrew. You roll your eyes at them, but their excitement is what your feeling internally. You had briefly mentioned to Andrew your love of hockey, but you hadn’t expected him to remember. And you had certainly not expected this.

With the tickets is a short note that reads: “I think it’s time for us to finally meet in person...bundle up!”. You fold the note up and shove it in your pocket as you rush to get ready for tonight’s game.

You arrive to the stadium early to wait for him, seeing as you had both of the tickets. The islander fans rush past you, shoving you a bit as they go, but you stand your ground, waiting for Andrew.

A decent chunk of time has passed and you are a little worried about him not showing up, but you hold out acting irrationally and continue waiting, checking your message-less phone frequently.

It’s not until five minutes into the first period that you give up and decide to go in on your own. You are upset– okay, more than upset. You really thought the two of you had something good. But you aren’t one to waste so you decide to watch the game, with or without Andrew.

The seats are incredible, and there are moments where you feel like you are on the ice with the players. The first period so far is tense but scoreless. You would normally be loving everything at the moment, yelling with the crowd and staring intently at the ice, but you were feeling increasingly lonely as the game went on.

Even when the islanders scored, you couldn’t give yourself longer than a moment of happiness before feeling sad again.

You were considering leaving as the announcer yelled the name of the scorer, some player you recognized named Anders Lee.

Before you could turn away, a figure was skating your way, taking off of his helmet, and seemingly pointing at you. And the player was...Andrew? In that moment, it all made sense. That’s why he looked so familiar! Andrew was Anders, a hockey player! He didn’t ditch you at all... he was there all along!

The rest of the game passed quickly, the islanders winning 2-0 against the flyers. You rushed to the locker rooms after the game, waiting for Anders to come out. You didn’t know what to think. On one hand, everything was perfect: you were on the verge of dating a hot hockey player, he didn’t stand you up and he liked you. But on the other hand...he had lied to you. And maybe it was harmless, but you still had trust issues and it seemed like a red flag. 

When he did come out, a grin on his face and a hand running through his wet hair, he came over to hug you. You were excited, as much as he was, but you couldn’t show it yet. You had to figure out what to think.

“What’s wrong, (Y/N)? You don’t like my surprise” he said, his voice sounding impossibly cuter in real life than it did over the muffled phone.

“It’s just that Andrew, er, Anders, it’s that you lied to me! How can I trust anything that happened now?” He frowned a little, his eyebrows furrowing together in a way that made him look way more attractive than he deserved to.

“(Y/N), I lied about my name. That’s all. Everything else was real... but I understand that you might not want to start a relationship off a lie. So let’s start over. Hi, I’m Anders. I’m sorry, but do I know you?” he said, his lips turning up into a smile.

You giggle a little at the words, the same ones you had initially sent to him forever ago. 

“Not yet” you say, stepping closer to him. “But we can change that, if you want to”

“I know we just met, but I really want to kiss you” he said, so softly it was almost a whisper.

You close the gap between you two, kissing him softly at first before melting completely into his lips. Kissing him is everything you had imagined it would be and more. Any anger from before had completely dispersed because Anders was right. Other than his name, he was the exact same guy you had messaged. He also happened to play hockey. Either way, Andrew or Anders, he was great, and you weren’t going to walk away.

[diasilek-blog]

Some of my story

Just to preface this: i am not dx with PTSD or CPTSD. I have not spent much time in therapy to share all of this. But will share it with my current therapist. Thanks for listening if you make it to the end you deserve all karma. I am sorting this by houses and places I've lived as it's much easier for me to remember that way, provided is the place I lived the the ages I was.

The apartment 0-1.5

I remember nothing no surprise there

House 1 1.5-4

Remember barely anything. Know that father and mother were together but father was an angry alcoholic however mom notes the nicest person when sober. I suppose an abusive father and Vietnam can do that to you. Mother tells me some frightening stories of him but also continues to note he's a teddy bear when sober. My aunts confirm this as well. My father was also a semi driver so he was often gone. Probably a good thing. There are 4 things I know about my dad (Now, not then) He drove truck, was an alcoholic, played drums in a band, and was in the Vietnam war.The only thing I visually remember is rice aroni for dinner, what I thought was a GIGANTIC spider on a lightbulb in the basement, and my room. I can also see those black and white fillagree like brogue oxford dress shoes next to a closet. Oh and those bouncy horses. When my mom was selling the house a buyer can through with her daughter and She got on the horse - I pushed her off. Other than that really nothing else. Father divorces my mom when I'm 3.5 and moved to California to be with his mistress. He ends up in a psych ward for what was either a ptsd episode or schizophrenia. No one I ask knows for sure. And I can't imagine actually asking him.

Quadplex 4-6

It's just my mom and me and our cat. I remember little from this period as well except for the following: eating Oreos for breakfast, slamming my head into a waterbed headboard and needing stitches, and sticking tweezers in a light socket, oh and making friends with neighbors next door. There are more but those seem the most prominent. Oh I'm also in daycare; I have fond memories of that at least. I don't hear from my father at all. I make 2 "friends" at daycare. They take turns ignoring me, forcing me to choose between them, and telling me I need to buy them toys to be their friend. I think about asking my grandma to buy me three jewel trolls. My mother meets someone new. I start kindergarten.

Duplex 6-9

My mother marries someone new. He seems nice. We move into the duplex. I don't remember a whole lot from this time besides my bedroom, the layout, pretending to run away in the back yard, eating chives, learning to ride a bike and then seeing my step dad kick my cat down the stairs. I'm still in daycare. Those girls are gone now.

House 2 9-11

I find out a girl from school lives across the street. We become inseparable. I am a little too eager for friendship and call her at 6am some days. Her family is annoyed with me. I can tell. We make friends with other neighborhood kids. One is a boy. Both of them start "dating" and exclude me from everything. Back to no friends. I ask my mom to intervene but she clearly doesn't want to. Eventually friend and I see each other at school on the playground. I tell her I have the new Nintendo system and now she wants to come over and play. This is how friendship works I guess.

I meet a girl in 3rd. Eventually we become good friends. I am always too eager for friendship. I call her one afternoon, we talk, then she says to hold on. I hold for 3 hours and then hang up. She becomes friends with the popular crowd and eventually I am left behind. I remember listening to "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston and wanting to dedicate it to her. My mom says she doesn't think that's what the song is about. I wonder What was wrong with me?

I start soccer and am terrible at first. My father comes to visit infrequently. I am basically forced to see him but I have no desire. My father and grandmother come late to a soccer game and they take me for the afternoon. I am scared and angry but they still take me. It's not as bad as I think it will be and I start to equate him to Fishsticks. They never sound good at all but then I eat one and it's not as terrible as I thought it would be. So, it's not always bad with him.

Eventually it is planned that I stay at his house one night. He lives directly across the street from my grandmother. At first it is fun however there are empty cardboard 12 packs lining his wall. I’m only 11ish so I find it disconcerting but I’m not sure I know the extent. We play a game centered around being a truck driver. I sense some pride inside for my father and his career. My father asks if I want to play pool in the basement. We go downstairs. I see his drum set. He teaches me the basic 4/4 beat. Somehow we begin talking about his time spent in the war. I don’t know what comes over me or why I decide to ask him, but the words just kind of come out. I ask him if he killed anyone in the war. He is visibly upset and says he’d rather not talk about that. Things are very awkward after this and he tells me he thinks I should go back over to my Grandma’s house and not spend the night. I leave.

House 3 11-18

Lots of good lots of bad. My father moves back to our state 1995. He's been gone for 7 years. Still not sober.

I initially meet a girl who seems to come from some dysfunction. Her mom is nice though however there is a guy who hangs around a little older than us. We go to my house and he breaks into my stepdads liquor cabinet. I freak out on him, he then goes into our garage and punches many dents in my step Dads car. I call my mom and they call the police. He runs. They catch him and eventually let him go after whatever punishment they gave. When he was back I got a call from him and his friends threatening me for money. I visited the girls house one day and he and his friends waited outside the house. I was terrified to leave but with my friend and her mom watching I walked home.

I play indoor soccer and my dad shows up with my grandmother to a game where is visibly intoxicated. He tries to find his way to our bench - I am mortified and crying but trying to hide it.

Eventually I meet a friend who I become very close with. She is basically a sister for me and still is to this day although we are a few states a part. I finally get to see what a normal family dynamic looks like. My father calls every few months when he is drunk. I hate it. He wants me to know that my stepdad isn't my real dad and that he is my dad. My whole body is tense. My step dad is always angry, emotionally mean and abusive to my mom. They argue about the dumbest things and he is mean. There are always eggshells to walk on and I am always angry with him. I want my mom to stand up for herself and there are many times she tells me she wants to divorce him. I tell her if support her in that decision. There is a night where things get really heated and I finally step in, crying I tell them to stop fighting and lock myself in my room. Eventually my stepdad comes knocking and he’s crying profusely apologizing. It felt so awkward.

Soccer continued, I become really good. I’m on varsity my sophomore year and am not happy about it. I’ve played soccer for the last 8 years with the same people. I am asked during Spanish class what I will be doing this weekend, I mention there is a varsity soccer sleepover. A past friend of mine thinks I’m bragging and tells everyone on my old team that I think I’m better than them. Some don’t talk to me for a while. Soccer was one of the best things my mom ever put me in. I am honorable mention in the state that year. The next year I experiment with marijuana and start smoking. I’m not as good the next year. Senior year I decide not to join – eventually I do after seeing a game and missing it. Definitely not as good as I was. In fact I suck in comparison.

I obsess over the availability of the internet and the vast expanse that it allowed me to explore. I make friends online and develop relationships with people. Eventually at 16 I fall head over heels for someone (Guy A) who lives in another state. We bond over music and I am hooked. He surprises me on Valentine's Day by showing up to my house after asking my mom her permission it's a fucking fairy tale. I am also only 16. I visit home once at his house and it is the first sexual experience I have. Long distance didn't work and my heart shattered. He would come and go out of my life for a few years. I meet another guy through the internet (Guy B). We bond over music and I fall hard. We talk for a year, on the phone, through netmeeting, aim, and even texting (nokias!). I graduate.

I attend my (very close friend who is like a sister)’s graduation. We are hanging out with 2 of our friends who attend a different school. They bring a friend with them. We drink a lot. There is a tent we all plan on sleeping in. We pile in and the friend we don’t know lays next to me. We all try to fall asleep. Until he does it. Out of nowhere reaches into my pants and touches me. I’m really not sure how long this lasts. After it stops I wait until I think he is asleep and then I go home. I tell no one.

I continue speaking to Guy B. He informs me he will come and visit. I am ecstatic. I forget about what happened in the tent. Guy B visits, I end up getting really sick and it turns out to be mono. (Which I think I got a month prior while still in school when one night I went out with friends and got super plastered and made out with a guy I didn’t know where he also stuck his hand down my pants but I didn’t stop him. I had hickeys all over my neck and my soccer team makes fun of me) The week with Guy B was amazing. He left and I was hopeful. But once he got back home he stopped talking to me. Eventually telling me he couldn’t take the distance and that one of us would eventually need to move. Another shattered heart. My step dad is still mean. I remember riding in the car with him and my mom when someone either cut him off or break checked him. He proceeded to tailgate them, cussing, yelling, swerving side to side. The car in front went faster and so did he. It was terrifying. My mom eventually yelled at him to take us home.

College Dorm 18-18

I start college and make it half a semester. I know no one and the social anxiety is terrible. I move back home and see a psychologist who diagnoses me with social anxiety.

Home 3 18-19

I’m back home. My mom wants me to find a job; a stipulation of dropping out of college. She finds a job listing for a warehouse worked disassembling computer equipment. It’s night shift, but it’s money and it’s stability I needed at the time. The company is amazing and I am very fortunate. My sister friend has been dating a guy for a very long time and they ask me to come bowling. I meet my first long term boyfriend. He is my friends boyfriends best friend. He is also 7 years older than me. I lose my virginity to him after basically telling myself “Well, this is it” It wasn’t the experience I was hoping for.

I basically end up living with him and his roommate.

1st BF House 19-20

I’m back and forth between houses but mostly at his. He works days, I work nights. I wake up one morning and he’s at work; I spot a camera under his tv stand. It’s on, and it’s recording. I’m baffled. I watch it. It’s basically nothing but me sleeping. I question him about it and he states that he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything (not sure what that includes) For some reason I let it slide. We date for 2 years. I have gained some weight since 18. I wasn’t anywhere near unhealthy but I wasn’t in the greatest shape. We get a dog together. I start running with the dog. 1 year later I’m in the best shape ever. This dog is my life. I’m drinking lightly at this point but running causes me to not want to drink. But I do smoke cigarettes after my runs. Go figure.

1st Apartment 20-21

We live together. When we move I’ve been sort of back in contact with my father. He offers to help us move. Up to this point we are very off and on, maybe once a year we speak. I am still running. My job is going well and I move to first shift as well as moving departments. I begin doing inventory and being a computer repair technician. Things are ok.

I decide to go back to school for what I thought was my passion – graphic design. I attend a local community college. My boyfriend says to not take many classes or I may end up in the same situation as before. I honestly think he just doesn’t want me to advance myself or meet other people. One day on my way to school I remember that my dad is living in an efficiency in a motel nearby. I find some courage that day to confront him. To ask him about what happened. He’s not there when I knock on his door but just as I’m about to leave I see him pull up. He’s gone to the store to buy another 12 pack of beer. So much anxiety at this point. Ultimately I ask him why he left, he doesn’t give me a good answer (as if there would be one) he just said sometimes 2 people just drift apart. This doesn’t explain why he was never around. Days later, on my way to school I am listening to music, a favorite thing of mine to do, when all of a sudden I feel disconnected from everything. The music sounds different. I can’t “feel” it anymore. It’s pretty much been that way since.

After coming home from my half semester away at college I’ve been experimenting more and more with illegal substances. Almost everything except for Meth and Heroin. I don’t consider this to be necessarily negative. I was always safe about my experiencing making sure to check Erowid for stories, information and overall preparedness before we’d ever do anything.

Guy A contacts me online and my current boyfriend and I are arguing a lot. Intimacy basically never exists in my relationships so they are always rocky. I find escape in talking to Guy A again. I sneak out to see him one night and my current boyfriend finds out. He is very hurt and wants to end it. The next morning I try to smooth things over, I am panicking. He goes to work and I am supposed to eventually go to mine. I can’t think about anything other than he is going to leave me. I don’t even get dressed for the day, I get in my car and follow him to his work. I am in survival mode basically. I need to know that I won’t be abandoned or left again by someone. I feel crazy. Things eventually smooth over.

Home 3 21-21

Months later I decide to move home and he moves in with his old roommate into a duplex. I am running even more now with our dog. The dog lives at his house and I miss him terribly. We still fight and argue and I’m still unable to develop real intimacy with him. I continue to seek connection outside of the relationship but know that I shouldn’t. I can’t remember how this happened but I must have given my number to someone online and they began contacting me. My boyfriend found out and was again hurt and this time very angry. Threats of breaking up occurred over the phone. I went to his house and banged on his glass sliding door screaming on the patio. He wouldn’t let me in, and again I felt that panic that sets in when someone is about to leave you. I think eventually he let me in out of pity. Some form of reconciliation happened. I tried as much as I could at that time to connect with the person I was supposed to connect with. I wasn’t able to. I eventually ended it on my own terms AFTER I had met someone else at work. It’s a pattern of mine to do that. He takes my dog with him. I don’t see him ever again. It’s extremely heartbreaking for me. I loved that dog. I eventually get a new dog a few months later to fill the void and that dog is still with me.

I date this person from work for 6 months or so and we break up, after I run into someone I went to high school with who I had a major crush on.

Apartment 2 21-22

I move into a new apartment with one of my good friends. I’ve been able to make a few friends at this point. At this point I’ve been working for that same employer since I was 18. I’ve since moved from the warehouse into the office doing work on their website and marketing material. I haven’t finished my graphic design degree and decide to switch my major to marketing. I begin making some good money at this point and am fairly comfortable. I’m dating the guy I knew from high school. I also know that since high school he had developed an addiction to heroin. When I meet him he claims he is clean. I’ll find out later that he definitely isn’t. One day I go out and about while he’s still at my home. I come back to find that he’s vacuumed my stairs which is super nice of him and then I see my dog. His eye and surrounding area is 3 times the size it should be. I ask my boyfriend what happened and he says the dog peed on the stairs after he cleaned them. He fucking punched my dog.I don’t know why I stayed with him. I eventually left after he continued to lie to me about using. This time I didn’t have a back up. It was the first time I actually did something healthy for myself in regards to a relationship. I meet someone at my cousins wedding. We see each other around afterwards.

My friend decides to move back home. I find an apartment in the same complex with a 1 bedroom and move. I get a call from my doctor after an abnormal pap, it comes back with CIN III dysplasia. I don’t quite know what this means as far as fertility and my overall health. I have a leep procedure and am lucky that it gets rid of it all. 6 months later I am HPV free.

Apartment 3 22-24

Guy B calls one night randomly. Guy B and I continue talking, he’s saying all the right things to me and is regretful of how it ended between us. I am kind of talking to guy I met at the wedding. Guy B and I bond again over music and I plan to go and visit him. Guy at wedding wants to date. I’ve booked a flight to go see Guy B. I don’t know what to do. I think I should go for what I feel is a sure thing with wedding guy. Guy B hurt me the last time we were together. I end up cancelling my flight with Guy B and calling that off. I date wedding guy for a few months, but I’m not feeling a connection. Somehow guy A ends up in my town and we meet up. I do things I shouldn’t with him while I’m in a relationship wedding guy. I break it off with him. I get a hold of Guy B and apologize. I make plans to visit him on new years. The week I spend there is awesome but I have this sinking feeling that the situation will only end the same as it did before. At the end of the week he drops me off at the airport. He only gives me a hug and leaves. I am devastated because I know this is it. I cry for hours in the airport and am approached by a random stranger who was in town for a lighting project. He comforts me and tries to calm me down. I am appreciative of his compassion.

I date a few people here and there and eventually meet someone. I like him, my friends basically hate him. I should have known, for some reason I am always hooked on people who aren’t good for me. within 3 months I am pregnant. I remember the night, we use a condom but find it has broken. The next day I take plan b. I think everything is ok until I miss my period. I am not sure what to do. I do tell 4 people. My mom, 2 friends, and a coworker who has become a mentor to me. I am thankful for this support network.

This guy has a career he has worked very hard for and is continuing to work hard on. I tell him I am pregnant and he is very supportive at first. But he wants me to consider abortion. He is afraid he will resent the child for not allowing him to pursue his dreams. I am torn. I have always wanted children – but not in this way. Knowing he would resent his child or the possibility of him resenting his child just reminds me of my childhood and not having a father. I don’t want to put any child through that. I decide to terminate. Before I can do that I need a counseling session. Boyfriend comes there with me. I am definitely not ok but am going through it anyways. I breakdown on the phone with a nurse when I scheduled the appointment.

My boyfriend is out of town for work on the day of the abortion. I go by myself, have to watch a short film, and then take a pill. I will need to take one more later on. There is a group of students doing a study and the doctor wants to know if they can watch me while I take the pill. I agree for some reason. It was all over so quickly. I am ushered out of the building and walk to my car alone. I feel guilty and numb and sad and so very alone. I go to my parents’ house and wait it out. All of the things that happen happen and my mom is there for me. I go back to my apartment that night and take a bath. While taking my bath a feel a weird sensation and one last clot is passed – it’s large, and it’s not something I wanted to see. It’s floating in the bath with me. I scoop it out and throw it in the toilet.

I’m sure my boyfriend is relieved but I am the one that lives with this. He tells me I have 3 days to mourn and then it’s something we need to get over.

I have a hard time living with this decision. It causes many issues in our relationship. He gets fired from his job. We go see his family in his home state. I see how terrible he is to his mother. Why am I still in this relationship? Somehow his mother and us are talking and discussing babies and I have no idea how abortion is brought up but she says “you better not be aborting my grandbabies!” I break down.

Eventually he finds a job out of state. I basically beg him to take me with. We move, all 3 of us, which includes his roommate. They have been best friends for years and I am constantly the third wheel.

Apartment 4 24-25

Lots of things happen here. Most of it is extremely toxic. My boyfriend and I argue so often. I am still seething from the abortion and am resentful. I find that he’s joined a dating website. He says he only did it in case we don’t work out.

I find a job relatively quickly and will work there for the next 3 years. It is also extremely toxic for me. He loses his job fairly quickly.

When my boyfriend and I fight I tend to not remember most of the arguments. I think I remember what I say but when we fight about things we’ve said he disagrees with me and tells me that’s not how things happened and I start to feel crazy. I find a document on his computer that is titled “what -myname- says during arguments” and I do not open it. He says he keeps it so he has proof of what I say. Is he gaslighting me? am I really crazy, do I really not remember things correctly? I am so confused.

Maybe I am the perpetrator?

Many nights are spent fighting, I can’t remember what they were about now. I remember the anger in his face when he was trying to leave the apartment to go for a walk and I remember the panic that set in as I shrunk into a ball on the floor. Another panic attack when someone threatens to leave. He walks out and I gain the composure to try and find him. I find him and I yell at him for not being there for the abortion about him not having to deal with what I dealt with. I’m sure everyone in our apartment complex can hear us.

I find he’s actually been talking to girls on this dating website and I go stay at a hotel for the night. A few months later he finds a job in his home state and moves back, he wants me to come with. Instead I’ve been looking at apartments and sign on one. I am terrified of being on my own. I don’t move with him, I stay.

Apartment 5 25-28

I am finally alone with only my work relationships. I try to make friends with the girls there but they are not my kind. My boss likes to use intimidation and vitriol to manage our department. Most days I have anxiety about going to work.

I find someone online and we begin dating. He is dx bi-polar and takes medication. He consistently claims he is no good for me and that he has never dated someone as normal as I am. I am not really normal there is just a very convincing façade.

The relationship is mysterious and not stable. Eventually he breaks up with me and I am fired from my job for declining performance I think but they don’t give me a reason and I am kind of devastated but also kind of relieved.

I give it a few months and am applying for jobs here and there. I have a quick stint at a VA job fair for a week. I begin talking to someone on okcupid, but have decided that I should probably move back home. After the job fair is complete I pack up some bags and drive home to visit. I continue talking to this new person through okcupid and now texting. I am applying for jobs in my hometown. I am getting requests for interviews. I’m not sure what I should do. I go back home and meet the person I’ve been texting with. He’s very sweet and kind and I think sexual things may have happened too quickly, but he cares and for once I finally feel safe somewhere. I get an interview for a company and eventually get the job. I’m making good money and things are starting to level off. New guy and I connect quickly and there is no doubt that there is finally something stable, good, and loving in my life. It is quick though when we become pregnant after talks about wanting children. We really didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I am kind of shocked but we are both excited. I know we’ll need a place to live and neither of our places suited so I set out to buy our first house. My credit was good enough at that point.

Final House 28-32

We move into the house when I’m 4 months pregnant. I am proposed to on mother’s day with the rocky II proposal. Thing are great. We have our daughter by c-section and it’s the most emotional and happy I’ve felt in my entire life. We both cry. Breastfeeding isn’t easy and she has lots of phlegm so when she spits up she has a hard time breathing. I develop post partum anxiety over feeding her and eventually get prescribed anxiety medication. Life goes on there is depression and I’m having a hard time being intimate.

It seems as though intimacy is always easy for me in the beginning of relationships but as they progress it gets much hard for me to connect. And it’s not just with my husband but with my kids as well. Oh yeah, we have another child after we get married. These kids are the fucking best and I am SURROUNDED by love all of the time. I think sometimes it is so overwhelming. I have never felt this before. I actually have a group of friends who care about me and who care about each other and it is entirely evident that these people are the best people I’ve ever had in my life. I sometimes feel I don’t belong and have a hard time relating. I still have anxiety and issues and my drinking has increased throughout my life. I no longer do any type of drugs.

I am currently a business analyst for a different company and I absolutely love what I do. I have a caring employer and I feel as though my life has done a complete 180. I am extremely fortunate but I have a hard time feeling that. I know in my brain that I am safe but that is not how my body feels most of the time. Intimacy between my husband and I is pretty nonexistent but he is very supportive. I just feel bad that I am unable to give him what he needs. I am in therapy every 2 weeks. I want to get better for him and our family. She seems to be the first therapist I feel has some understanding and concern for me. I am trying very hard to be present here and to enjoy what I have but it is very hard to do. I have dermatillomania as well. I am working on that, and it doesn’t bring me as much shame as it used to. I feel lots of different things but I think confusion is the most common feeling. There is so much more but I’ve already wrote a book.

If you’ve read this far thank you. Sorry for the mess and jumble The chronological pattern is based on where I lived verse my actual age. So I hope the skipping around in certain sections isn’t too confusing.