#they just dont feel like writing essays in their spare time maybe?

[sp3akfromtheart]

that poll i posted about coe vs miracle day is really interesting i knew coe would be more popular but damn the votes for miracle day are so low! ...which to be fair. as a miracle day enjoyer. understandable.

miracle day spoilers under the cut!

these are just my thoughts about some stuff md does that i personally didn't like!! take it all with a pinch of salt + i dont usually write stuff like this so i will love a discussion but pls be nice...lol

i think its weakest point is its conclusion, because, if they reiterated like 30,000 times that jack is NOT immortal bc of his blood, has nothing to do with it, why on earth is that the entire basis of the miracle? like yes, it eats the blood, so it thinks its the blueprint for humanity, but surely jack's blood is just normal? i think they kinda get away with it bc of how weird everything is, but MAN i wanted that miracle to be aliens so damn bad! i suppose in the case of This One Time, earth is the alien planet.

and please do not even get me started about rex becoming immortal. if there had been a 5th season, i would have let it slide, but the fact that is the conclusion for the television show is just absolutely insane to me??? LIKE WHAT! insanity. but this is an insane show. i also kind of think they shouldn't have killed esther, but i also think they should have not killed any torchwood member anyway because i get attached to them all, so the fact that she was inexperienced it made loads of sense that she died, but like, damn...right before they saved the day? misery.

i guess this is because it's implied the story of miracle day was to continue, but i felt like there was so many things going on in comparison to coe. there were a few episodes that really could have spent more time on one thing than the other. is this also because i think we could have gotten more about angelo? maybe...

to be honest, i genuinely think the best part of miracle day is jilly kitzinger. like yeah, that is the EXACT response a big company would have to this situation, and to really make you remember this is a BAD THING this charming character is doing, you have to watch her big up a horrible person! (and the second best thing is gwen and jack, but thats like, duh)

i really wanted to add all this stuff in the tags of that post but i was actually going to write an ESSAY in tag form so decided to spare you all. i'd love to hear you guys' thoughts cos reading the tags on that post has been really cool! as most of you said, i agree with how heart wrenching coe is. its so good at showing how each character would act and genuinely ianto's death, as traumatising as it was, just shows you how he would follow jack to the ends of the earth by the end of his time in torchwood...which is such a stark contrast to the beginning of his time there and how he literally states how much he hates him in broken.

anway!!! if you read all that yap well done i love you. im feeling insane about torchwood currently. send me asks or whatever if you wanna gimme ur opinions!

[seaweedbraens]

To all the show doubters: you CANNOT say the final episode wasn’t absolutely great. Very few major issues, and actually lived up to the books (mostly)!

i obviously have like 16 full length essays in my head but imma spare y’all that for now.

i speak as a show doubter here. i havent watched the show yet because i have a grad review in 2 weeks that i'm supposed to be working on and i simply dont have the TIME to binge an entire show without feeling a truckload of guilt afterwards.

nothing against you, or anyone who enjoys the show! but i accidentally saw a clip from the final episode that INFURIATED me.

it's luke's betrayal, and somehow....annabeth was there. i don't want to comment on anyone's acting because this is just one scene and i don't want to be too harsh. but my issue is that annabeth was there at all.

first off - if she was there, there is no WAYYYYYYYYY annabeth's first instinct would be to attack luke if she overheard him. this is her FAMILY, the one person she truly felt she knew and who she felt knew her. she'd be stunned, man. not defiant in the face of his betrayal. look at the books! she rushes to hold the sky for him, making that decision in the brief moment it causes him pain!

anyway:

annabeth being absent is the POINT. in the books, she doesnt see luke leave, she doesnt know/understand his reasoning, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT she has to wait for like a week for percy to wake up and tell her how things went down. during that week she has to come to terms with the fact that 1. luke's left her and the camp, 2. he attacked percy, 3. he's joined kronos, and 4. he didn't care about her enough to give her an explanation or even say goodbye.

i feel like this DIRECTLY leads into her attitude towards him in EVERY. OTHER. PJO. BOOK following the first one. she is desperate for answers, desperate to believe that there's still some good in him. she wants to hear it from him. she wants to SAVE him. she defends him from percy's judgement MULTIPLE TIMES, tells him percy didn't know him, but she did. she truly believes he's just lost his way. she doesn't understand how he's fallen because she wasn't there to see it. and when she finally does, it's STILL hard for her to process.

i feel like her being there just ruins a lot of that. or maybe i'm just being overly nitpicky. which...that's kinda my thing. wcwsthwas exists because i'm nitpicky.

i don't want to diminish anyone's experience if it's been a positive one, least of all yours because i really do appreciate your inputs! this is just me ranting here because that scene bugged me so much. maybe the rest of the show is great and i'll be eating my words soon enough. i guess we'll have to see!

i'm sorry if this is very harsh - i don't want to offend anyone! i'm ecstatic you like the show, and i don't want to shut anyone down. i know i come off as a rick riordan hater (which i kinda am), but i wouldnt be writing pjo fic if i didn't have a lot of love for the universe he's created. i want to hear all the opinions - the good and the bad. please feel free to share any thoughts in my askbox.

[otsukare-katsukare]

So I came across this blog and found it quite interesting. I also agree with a lot of it. I like hearing your opinions on things as well, especially these particular topics. So I was wondering - What do you think?

https://www.tumblr.com/wwerasliin-sideblog

hello to you! very glad you came to my blog and liked my opinions. thats all i can ask for as a tumblr user. your link doesnt go to a specific post but judging from the discussion on your blog im guessing youre asking my opinion on sami's potential involvement in the bloodline story and whether roman should apologise to him or not.

(sorry if this is not at all what you were asking. i ended up writing an essay here im afraid.)

i have my own general opinions on what my ideal face turn for roman would have looked like and it's already quite different in reality, but the general gist is yeah, an apology to sami would be, like, thing one. at this point, however, with kevin's heel turn, i just dont know. the way it's played out till this point my heart just doesnt want sami anywhere near roman, because unlike jey, sami really does not have any good reason to go back based on family ties. and roman should not want him back, either. from roman's POV sami was the first brick to fall in his family falling apart, and he betrayed him when he gave him so much. and as far as sami's concerned, the best friend/soulmate that he literally betrayed roman for is currently at his lowest emotional point because his two other closest friends have sided with a man who was his sworn enemy for three years and terrorised both him and his loved ones. for sami to go to roman now, no matter what the guy says, would just feel so cruelly thoughtless to kevin. but very on brand for wwe.

but there was a world where i was completely on board with the 'sami forgives roman' narrative, if roman had come back after losing the title completely alone and ostracised, for the first time in his life. his bloodline scattered, abandoned by his wiseman, justifiably hated by nearly everybody on the roster, and no gold to make him feel better about everything. if he spent some time as a desperate and pathetic heel, trying to win back his old family members using his old gaslighty tricks that don't work anymore, taking on opponents who he'd been mowing through before with the help of the numbers game, but who now smelled blood in the water and got their vengeance, only getting sparing wins. slowly learning what he'd put everyone else through and starting to feel genuine remorse - in that scenario, i would have actually loved to see sami be the first of roman's victims to see him as a genuinely changed man and accept the olive branch. not joining his bloodline (concept should just not exist at this point) but being his optimistic and forgiving self that sees the best in people. in this scenario, roman asking for sami's forgiveness in the first place would also make more sense, as he would realise that he's no longer entitled to his family just on the basis of blood, and that with sami, the wounds arent as deep, and maybe sami could help him be a better person.

(in this fantasy scenario seth is also involved, and the first person who actually reconnects with roman again. cause the shield bond is binding and what happened at wm40 finally buried the last of the resentment between them. but he cant make roman better the way sami can.)

unfortunately while i think this would be a good character arc and story, it is not a good wrestling story, formally. there's no way that people werent going to cheer vociferously for roman, and that's kind of all that matters at the end of the day with this medium. they just happened to make a story with the bloodline that's a bit too nuanced and genuninely fiction-esque for the wwe formula. ah well. but the way things are now if sami goes back to roman without roman apologising then i'll stand by kevin whatever he decides to do in reponse including but not limited to apron powerbombs.

thanks for asking me my wrestling opinions! if this is in fact what you wanted to hear, if not, then i hope it was of interest anyway.

[sinbrook]

This is like, a major rant re: the “fandom kills reading comprehension” argument that keeps getting trotted out on tumblr like the ghoulish Weekend At Bernie's dead horse it is. Just ignore it lul, its my perspective as someone who actually sees and grades young people’s literature interpretations regularly. So y’know, just someone who actually knows how reading comprehension is going with young people rather than assuming because they saw a 15 year old write a slightly ooc coffee shop au on Ao3. Just had to get it out.

Really shits me off when people get on this hellsite like “People don’t have READING COMPREHENSION ANYMORE because they have fun with FANDOM THINGS like tropes and evil evil fanfiction. Like dude shut up. You’re on the fandom website, the fact that you see a bunch of cute coffeeshop AUs and never any deep dissection of fucking Dostoevsky doesn’t mean people don’t know how to read and interpret things, its just that you haven’t spoken to a real life person in seemingly years and think tumblr is representative of how people are in every aspect of their lives. I promise you it hasn’t had an effect. I promise you. I am literally in training to be an English teacher, I’ve spent a long long time in classrooms at every level from 11 year olds to 18 year olds. Not ONE of my student’s essays has presented anything even mildly related to fandom brainrot, no matter what age they are. There has been NO degradation of interpretation skills (something they’re at a learning stage on btw so forgive the fucking 14 year olds for not being able to thoroughly dissect fiction to your liking). In fact, as in most areas, in my country at least, we’re seeing improvement across the board. “Kids these days can’t...” is boomer shit and you know it. Literally the only thing I’ve seen that could even be mildly related to the scorn of tumblr blogger holier-than-thou nerds, is sometimes rebranded fictional characters sneak their way into creative writing pieces and you know what? That’s fine, I literally don’t care. They’re writing. Go talk to Chekhov if you have a problem with that, The Duel references Tolstoy and Anna Karenina heavily, and Chekov often wrote his pieces as a response to Tolstoy. Responding to texts you’ve encountered before is a normal human creative outlet. Just admit that you want to think you’re smarter than people and want to dunk on nerds or something because you cracked open some Virginia Woolf and struggled through Kew Gardens for the sake of sounding smart. You’re the literary equivalent of the annoying guy who says he only listens to classical music. Y’all don’t know shit, just be quiet and let people have fun, it literally doesn’t matter, and demonstrably effects nothing IRL. Liking fandom stuff, having OOC interpretations of characters, and making silly funny little AUs hurts nobody, especially not the person making them, it says nothing about their ability to interpret texts and everything about your insecurities. You’re not better than teenagers who are having fun and remixing stuff (literally an English teacher’s dream btw, do you know how hard it is to get teenagers to write ANYTHING??? They’re not gonna be out there reinventing genres and revolutionising fiction without fandoms, they’re just not going to write), you’re just a joyless arsehole.

[hockeytrashgoblin]

I’m Needy ~ Travis Konecny

A/N: Hi yall, a special treat for you! A two for one smut with Nolan and Travis! Not together but hey maybe later. I’m stressed, depressed, and dealing with it by writing smut. A Max Domi one is on the horizon. Enjoy!

*4 months earlier*

"(Y/n) just move in with me! I live right near the university!"

"No you don't you ween."

"I live pretty close. Come on it'll be perfect!"

"Trav please be serious for 5 seconds." I sighed loudly making him laugh. 

I'd been friends with Travis since we were kids. He was my brother and I's best friend actually. We're twins and Travis loved joking around about it. I would be lying if I said I didn't apply for a Philadelphia school to be closer to him again.

"I am being serious babes. I've got a two bedroom and it's big so all your shit will fit."

"I dont have that much shit."

"Pfft yeah okay."

"I can hear that eyeroll you bitch."

"It was deserved. But seriously (y/n) think about it."

"I don't want to crowd you teeks."

"You won't. I really want you to be close if you're gonna be here. Just promise you'll think about it? You've got a few months to decide still, I don't need an answer now."

"Okay I'll think about it."

"Promise?"

"Yes you goon, I promise."

*present time*

I didn't realize that living with Travis would entail so many parties. The parties weren't really an issue but watching him get drunk and grind all over countless girls was. No girls ever spent the night thank God. I always took care of Travis once the party was over. 

Now however the party was in full swing. I was sitting on the counter nursing a drink talking with Nolan while trying to keep an eye on Travis. A box-dye blonde laughed too loud at something he said. I rolled my eyes and Nolan made a gagging sound making us both laugh.

"How long do you think until they're in bed?" 

"Judging by how fucked up he is I'm surprised he's not fucking here right now." I said laughing with him.

"I'm just glad there's another person around to deal with him too now. Before I was the only one who would only get tipsy and make sure no one died."

"I don't like getting crazy drunk. Trav on the other hand.." I trailed off looking over to him mixing a bunch of alcohol together.

"He's fucking insane. I dont think he ever remembers what happened the next day."

Conversation flowed easily between Nolan and I as it always did. He was around so often so he had quickly become my best friend too. He was the only one who knew about my feelings for Travis.

"Hey how's your head? Should you really be at a party right now?"

"I'm fine mom." He said rolling his eyes and playfully shoving my shoulder.

"I just wanted to make sure." 

"I know, it's sweet that you care but I'm totally fine. Promise."

"Okay good." We were quiet for a bit before I spoke up again. "Hey do you want to hangout in my room instead? I'm getting kinda sick of watching Travis dry hump that girl."

"Yeah I get that. Let's go."

"We're cuddling. That's a threat." I said unlocking my door making him laugh.

"Alright."

"I'm touchy. It's worse with alcohol."

"You and Travis are exactly the same that way. You both need to touch someone all the time." I pulled him down into my bed.

"Yeah well touch me already Nol."

"Sounds like you're asking for something totally different."

"I wouldn't complain."

"Oh really?" He asked leaning to hover over me.

"I mean as long as it's clear we're just friends and I only have feelings for Trav, then why not?"

"That's clear. We're just two friends helping each other out. I don't have any feelings towards you either."

"Okay then fucking comere and touch me." I pulled him down and attached my lips to his. He moaned into it and rested some of his weight on top of me. I was trying to get our clothes off as quick as possible.

"Someone's eager." He mumbled into my neck.

"I haven't been this sexually frustrated since I was a teenager, I just need you to get in me already."

"Whatever you want (y/n)."

Soon enough our clothes were off and he was 3 fingers deep in me. His thrusts alternated between sharp and fast to rubbing along the inside walls of me and it was torture.

"Fuck Nols, your fingers feel amazing but I need more. Please?"

"Yeah. Yeah sorry do you have a condom?"

"Drawer." I said pulling him back in for a kiss. He blindly fumbled around but pulled back with a victorious smile on his face which made me roll my eyes and laugh. He quickly put it on and was hovering over me.

"Are you sure (y/n)?"

"Yes I'm sure. Make me forget about Travis for a few minutes yeah?"

"I'll be the only thing you're thinking about in a second." He said in my ear as he kissed my neck.

He guided himself into me and groaned loudly as he inched his way in. I was silent as I threw my head back trying to get adjusted to the intrusion.

"You okay?" He asked, kissing along my chest and collarbones.

"Yeah sorry, it's been a while. Like 6 months a while. I'm good though, you can move."

"Thank God. You're so tight, I'm not going to last as long as I want to."

"Fuck..you feel so good Nolan holy shit."

He built up a steady rhythm that had me moaning loudly underneath him. The only other sound you could hear from this room was skin on skin slapping as his thrusts picked up speed.

"How are you so wet that it doesn't even feel like I have a condom on fuck." I couldn't answer. I was a whining mess at this point. He chuckled and started rubbing my clit. "I can feel you getting close (y/n). You gonna come on my cock?"

"Yes, fuck Nolan, yes right there! Shit!"

"I'm close too. Want to get you there first though."

It didn't take long until I was finishing and screaming. The orgasm lasted long enough for Nolan to finish too and then some. He was fucking relentless on my clit. He collapsed on top of me out of breath and we were just quiet together for a minute.

"Not bad." I said making him snort.

"Yeah you weren't so bad either."

"Nice."

"Did I make you forget about Travis?"

"Yeah for a bit."

"He's gonna be so lucky once he fucking clues in that you like him."

"Yeah well we'll see if that ever happens."

"Come on we should get back out there. Who knows what kind of mayhem is happening out there."

"Yeah sure."

We went back out and couldn't find Travis anywhere. Nolan and I split up to try and ask around to find him. I ended up at Claude and he told me that he had gone to his room alone. The alone part shocked me but sure enough I saw that blonde from earlier hanging off of Nolan now. I laughed and winked at him before going off to find my boy. I knocked on the door and got no answer so I just unlocked it with my spare key. I got into the room and locked the door behind me.

"Tk?" I called out into the dark room.

"Hmph." I heard from the corner behind his bed.

"Trav, honey, what are you doing on the floor?" I asked crouching in front of him.

"Don't call me that I'm mad at you."

"Any particular reason why?"

"Hmph." He said again getting up.

"Travis talk to me why are you mad?"

"You fucked Nolan! You fucked my best friend!"

"Trav, what are you talking about?"

"I heard you! In your room. 'Fuck Nolan. You feel so good Nolan'." He imitated my voice and I rolled my eyes.

"I don't sound like that."

"Yes you did! Why did you do that?"

"Travis-"

"Why? Why fuck him when I've been right here the whole time? Your whole life pretty much? Why Nolan?"

"Travis listen-"

"No! No, I'm the one who loves you not him! I'm the one who wants to hold you and take care of you! I want to get to see your body not him! He's not better than me."

"He isn't Travis, no one is."

"Then why would you fuck my best friend (y/n)? When I want you so much why would you?"

"Travis I didn't know that. Nolan is my best friend too. There wasn't any feelings involved at all."

"So what you're just being a puck bunny now? Why would you do that? You're too good for that." He asked getting more upset than angry.

"Travis, love, I think you need to go to bed. We can talk about this later, alright? Promise."

"Okay fine. Will you sing me to sleep please?"

"Of course Trav." I sat on the bed next to him and started singing brushing hair off his face trying to relax him to sleep. Eventually it worked and I left the room to help clear out people and clean up after them.

"How's the baby?" Nolan asked.

"Not great. He's sleeping but he's upset with me."

"Why?"

"He heard us.."

"You mean?"

"Yeah he heard it all. He's like mad at me Nols."

"I'm sure it'll be okay. Travis holds grudges but I don't think he could ever hold one seriously against you."

"I hope you're right."

The rest of the night was spent quiet until everyone went home. I tried to sleep, I really did, but I was so upset that Travis was mad at me that I just stayed up all night crying. I eventually gave up and went to the living room to do some school work. I had a couple essays due in a couple weeks and if I didn't have to worry about them anymore that would be ideal. I didn't notice how late in the morning it was getting until Travis came stumbling through to the kitchen.

I started gathering up my things to go back into my room. I got everything in my arms and tried to quickly leave the room, almost crashing into him in the process.

"Shit sorry.."

"Watch where you're going." He said in a snarky tone.

"Sorry I just- sorry." I sighed looking down and left. I closed the door and cried again. I got my essays done and handed in by noon. I knew Travis was probably just sitting around but I didn't necessarily want to bother him so I stayed in my room. I cleaned for a while but I mostly just laid there quietly, confused. Until he barged in of course.

"You planning on ever leaving this room?"

"Nope."

"It's dinner time come on let's order something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Bull, you haven't eaten all day."

"I just don't really have an appetite today I'm sorry."

"Stop with this shit and pick what you want to eat." He said getting snarky again.

"I don't want to Travis."

"Well you have to."

"Maybe I shouldn't. I better start watching my weight if I'm just some fucking puck bunny now right?" I said with an edge in my voice.

"What are you talking about? You're not a puck bunny, who told you that?"

"You did. Last night."

"Last night..? Are you sure I said that to you?" I shot him a look and he raised his hands in surrender. "Okay dumb question sorry."

"You don't remember saying that to me? So you don't remember saying anything else to me either then?"

"I remember most of last night. I just can't believe that I'd say something like that to you. You know that's not what I think of you right?" I just shrugged and he came to sit beside me on the bed. "I have never thought that about you. I think too highly of you for that."

"You did tell me last night I was too good for that."

"I meant that part."

"Okay."

"I also remember you putting me to bed promising we would talk later about you fucking my best friend." He spit out the last few words. "I can't believe you would do that."

"Travis it didn't mean anything."

"It meant something to me."

"Travis I'm sorry okay?"

"It isn't okay."

"Well it should be. I'm an adult and you're not my dad. Plus I have to watch you like twice a week get drunk and fuck whoever will let you! That means something to me too."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I don't want you to fuck all those girls. Last night you asked me why I fucked Nolan when you've always been right here for my whole life. What was that supposed to mean?"

"I don't want to answer that question."

"For fuck sake Trav why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"God you know why I've never chosen you my whole life?"

"No and I don't think I want to."

"Too bad."

"Rude."

"I never chose you growing up because you never made yourself an option! You were always too scared and you spent years making me look stupid pining after you. Even now when I'm pretty much confessing 13 years of built up feelings for you you still can't give me any answers. I never picked you because you never grew a pair and made yourself an option for me to pick. Because if you had I would've picked you over and over and over again. I pretty much did anyway."

"I didn't know you felt like that."

"How could you not have known all this time? Everyone knows."

"Well no one told me."

"That's bull. My brother teased us both about it so much."

"Yeah but I just thought he was being an idiot."

We were quiet for a minute both just sitting there not really looking at each other. I had just confessed almost everything to him and he still wasn't saying a single thing back.

"Look Trav, I'm sorry I slept with Nolan. I was fucking frustrated."

"Whatever, don't worry about it." He said getting up and going to the door.

"Travis wait!" I called to him, my voice cracking with tears. He turned around and frowned at me. "Did you really not mean anything you said last night?"

He didn't answer. Just shrugged and left my room. I wanted to cry again but the tears had run dry and I wanted answers. I got up and found him by the front door slipping his shoes on.

"I'll be back whenever, I'm going out." He reached to open the door but I reached past and slammed it. "What the fuck?"

"You're not going anywhere until I get some fucking answers, you fuckhole."

"I have no answers."

"Then we're gonna be here a long damn time huh?"

"You're fucking insane." He rolled his eyes and tried to leave but I boxed him in against the door. This shouldn't have worked at all. He was much bigger and stronger than me but he just stayed put. Well for the most part. He kept wiggling around so I pushed forward so most of my body was pressed up against his, my knee between his legs.

"Fucking talk to me you coward."

"What do you want me to say (y/n)? I'm fucking mad at you. I don't want to talk."

"We have to talk because if we don't you're going to be super mad at me forever and I'm not having that shit. We're not allowed to be ruined by me sleeping with someone."

"It was my best friend."

"I know Trav."

"You should've at least asked me, talked to me about it or something."

"You want me to ask permission to get fucked?"

"At least by Nolan yeah." He said shrugging.

"You're fucking delusional teeks."

"Why? Why is it too much to ask for you to let me know if you're going to be with someone?"

"Why are you acting so jealous?"

"M'not jealous." He said quickly making me laugh.

"You are fucking so! You can't just sit on the ground last night whining about 'why isn't it me? Why won't you fuck me instead?' then be all pushy today about it and expect me to believe that you're not jealous. You're so jealous. Why?"

"You shouldn't have slept with him."

"Love, we're well past that. I'm sorry." I said exasperated, bringing my hands down around his waist to hug him. "I'm sorry."

"Would you do it again?"

"Honest answer, if I got as frustrated and desperate as I was last night again and he offered I would."

"Goddamn woman, what had you so fucking horny that you decided that was the move?" He asked, rolling his eyes.

I decided to push the boundaries a little. Just to see what would happen. I couldn't make it any worse. I shifted my weight making my thigh run against Travis' dick making him gasp. I put my hands on his hips and pulled him closer to me.

"You did."

"Me?" He looked genuinely shocked by that answer.

"Yes you. Always you. How could you not gather that?"

"I don't know.."

"You always talk such a big game about how you can tell what a girl wants but can't figure out that I fucking want you?" I asked brushing my thigh against him again. I could feel him getting hard and it made my mind race. He wasn't stopping me, he wasn't disgusted by me.

"I thought you were always too annoyed with me to want me in any way."

"No Trav."

"I always thought I was too much."

"Travis you're not too much for me. You never have been. You never will be." I pressed against him again making him groan.

"Fuck.." he whispered before lifting me up, making me squeal. He carried me into his room and threw me on the bed before crawling over me. I instinctively put my hands on his hips and he held my face and half my neck in one of his hands.

"Trav.."

"Did you really mean everything you said?" He asked looking desperate and vulnerable. Not something I was used to from my boy but I did love that he felt that he could be that way in front of me.

"Of course Travis. Every word." 

"So you really don't think I'm too much?"

"Of course not."

"And you'd really choose me if it was an option?" He asked not looking at me anymore. I reached my hands up to either side of his face to make him look at me.

"Over and over and over again. I would choose you so fast, love."

And suddenly his lips were on mine in a soft but desperate kiss. It was years of hidden feelings being poured into it and it was a little overwhelming, not gonna lie. He pulled back and had the biggest smile on his face which made me smile too of course. The boys smile was contagious always.

"I really want you to choose me."

"Are you finally giving me the chance to?"

"Yes. Please (y/n)?"

"Yes Travis, I'm choosing to be with you. You're mine."

"You're mine." He said nipping at my bottom lip.

"Yours." I said pulling him down on top of me kissing him again. It was way more heated this time as he pushed himself against me making me moan quietly.

"Come on, you can be louder than that." He teased rolling his eyes.

"So make me be louder than that Tk."

"Oh I fucking plan to babygirl." He sat up to take his clothes off and I did the same, really just wanting to feel Travis on my skin finally. "You're always so loud in your room alone."

"Maybe I wanted you to hear me."

"Well I did." He was holding his dick and stroking it lazily. "I've touched myself like this to your sounds so often. That seems creepy to say, sorry."

"Don't be. I touch myself to the sounds of you too. When you're fucking some random girl I do and imagine it's me you're pounding into the bed."

"No more imagining. You're going to be pounded into this bed today."

"Please Travis? Want it so bad. Feel how wet I am for you babe." I took his hand and brought it down to me. He slipped two fingers in and we both moaned.

"This pussy is fucking water babe. I did that to you?"

"Every fucking day you do this to me Travis."

"And it took you 4 months to crack and fuck someone? Babygirl how did you not go crazy?"

"I did." I said shrugging.

"I'm gonna fuck you so good. Better than Nolan."

"Babes it's not a competition."

"Sure." He said waving it off. "I'm not gonna prep you anymore. You're probably still good from last night yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm good. Get in please?"

"How can I say no to that?" He leaned down to kiss me quick. "You want a condom?"

"Are you clean?"

"Yeah I always use condoms and the team check us every couple months."

"If you always use them why are you asking me?"

"Because you're special (y/n). I trust you and I just kinda really want to feel you. If that's okay."

"Yeah it's okay. Fuck me raw Trav. I love that shit."

"Did Nolan fuck raw?"

"No he didn't." I said making him smile.

"Then I'm special too." He said slowly thrusting into me. My mouth dropped open and I just nodded. "Feel good baby?"

"Fuck Travis. Move. Please fuck me?"

"So fucking needy." He chirped before starting up a steady rhythm. It wasn't fast at all like I thought it would be. He was fucking me like he had all day to do so, which I mean technically he did but it was again overwhelming. His thrusts were powerful but still lazy at the same time. He had me moaning and writhing on the bed underneath him. He left kisses up and down my neck, shoulders, chest, anywhere he could reach really. It lasted a long time and I was really savoring every moment with him. I finished a couple times in the time he was fucking me, touching me, and loving on me. He had already finished once too but he just kept fucking through it. His pace started picking up again.

"You close again baby?" I asked, brushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

"Yeah. Fuck. You feel so fucking good. Look amazing finally wrapped around my dick like I've wanted you for so long."

"I've wanted you just as long baby. Cum for me, love." I said kissing kis neck and scratching down his back.

"Shit.. fuck okay." His speed increased a lot and all you could hear was skin slapping together, me whining, and travis grunting. Arguably he was the hottest sound in the room. He was really pounding into me hard and I finished again all over his dick as he came inside me. He collapsed on top of me breathing heavy. We were quiet for a while just trying to calm down. He grabbed a tshirt off the ground and wiped us both down. He got back in bed and laid on top of me. We laid there for a while longer quietly just me running my fingers through his hair and him tracing patterns on my bare skin.

"You can leave if you want now."

"What?" I asked him confused as he rolled off me.

"You can go. Now that you got what you want, you don't have to stay here."

"Travis I- what? What on earth are you talking about?"

"You fucked me like you always wanted to, you can go. I'll be around next time you want to."

"Travis Konecny you're a fucking idiot."

"Um okay ouch? Why?" I rolled my eyes and threw my leg around him holding him close to me. 

"Is that really all you got out of everything I said today? That I just wanted to fuck you?"

"Well you did didn't you?"

"Of course I did. But I meant everything else I said too. I'll choose you everytime and not just for sex. I choose you for everything. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I thought I made that clear."

"You didn't." He let out a sigh of what I guess was relief and hugged me closer.

"Maybe you're just dense, love."

"I could be." He said with a smirk.

"Well just to make everything crystal clear, I want you to be my boyfriend Teeks. I always have."

"Really?!" He yelled in my ear.

"Ow you fucker, yes."

"Oops."

"I'll fucking oops you." I said kissing his jaw.

"I was really expecting you to just want a friends with benefits kind of thing. I was ready to settle for that."

"Travis you never have to settle for anything. You never have in any aspect of your life and never will. I want this with you."

"You really want to be with me? Even though you know how I am? What if you get sick of me?"

"It's been 16 years and I'm not sick of you yet. I want to be with you Travis. All of you. Angry Travis, happy Travis, sad Travis, stressed Travis, overexcited Travis. All of it."

"Really?"

"Yes really. Now stop trying to push me away and just date me already."

"Okay deal. You're mine now. Get fucked Nolan."

"Oh my God." I said rolling my eyes.

"Was I at least better than him in bed?"

"Trav-"

"No tell me, I wanna know."

"You were better but his dick was bigger. Do with that what you will. As long as you know that I'm never ever going to sleep with Nolan or anyone else for that matter until you get sick of me and dump me."

"Never going to happen babygirl." He kissed my forehead, making me blush. "So just me and you now? Exclusively us?"

"Yeah unless you don't want that?"

"Oh no I absolutely want that. I'm not sharing you with anyone."

"Me neither."

"I'd never hurt you like that."

"You better not or I'll tell your mom."

[odyssiaca]

i said i was gonna do it, so here i am! i am writing this on the fly, making it up as i go along so who knows how long it will be! who knows. 

i have finally played every route in fe3h, including the dlc- currently im making my way through the new game+ and screaming because this is my life now apparently. this isn’t really a deep and meaningful essay just... my experience playing the game and all the routes. 

( pls note i played on casual and normal for my original playthrough because i am a wimp. for ng+ im still playing casual but this time im playing on hard. )

this is the order in which i played the routes + dlc: verdant wind, azure moon, cindered shadows, silver snow and crimson flower. 

right! so!! let’s start!

White Clouds: the first twelve chapters are obviously pretty same-y, which is fine, except when you’re playing 4 times in a row. i liked the fact that the goddess tower was unique for every route and character you were trying to get s support with. there were some unique aspects to the different house, ie. judith, arundel, rodrigue, finding out about dimitri and edelgard. but other than that i did get pretty bored when it came around to doing it... again. and idk just, like i said the reveals obviously weren’t as shocking the 4 time around but like, they were still enjoyable, which is good at least!

Verdant Wind: this route is... eh. it’s the first one i did because dear god i am in love with claude. the route in and of itself is probably one of the weakest ngl. there were things that didn’t make sense in the context of the route and unlike azure moon and crimson flower it didn’t feel unique (given that this route and silver snow are.... IDENTICAL. except the final bosses) the final boss was dope and i am obsessed with God Shattering Star, but other than that? meh. i liked it at first because it was my first one and yknow, claude. but now it’s just idk, it’s lacking. and i’m gonna be honest: i don’t like most of the class. i like claude, hilda, marianne and lysithea. that is it. the others are just overbearing or kinda boring. lorenz i just, i can’t get over his design, i know he’s a deep character but i dislike most of his c supports, i hate his hair and the way he talks. ignatz and raphael are forgettable. i know they’re also very deep characters but their surface levels make me not want to go into their characters. and just. fuck leonie, i’m sorry i just cannot handle her. she’s overbearing, annoying, thinks that because jeralt trained her she’s better than everyone??? GOD. her supports with hilda are cute, and i like her post-timeskip design but otherwise she’s one of my least favourite characters in the game. im sorry. (edit: okay im revising this because it was late at night and perhaps i was a bit harsh. i dont actually mind the characters i mentioned that much, in fact they can be quite funny, however, i still prefer characters from the other houses more.) so my verdict of this route is that i did enjoy it, i liked the cutscenes and the timeskip designs but it’s still only my second favourite. 8/10.

Azure Moon: look. i’m just saying, this route? is the best. hands down, it’s absolutely amazing. it has it’s flaws, and it’s very different from the other routes and is also very much the most fire emblem like route but that’s okay. this route is devastating, heartbreaking, really fucking sad. and that just draws me in. when i first did the route i was gonna marry mercedes because i am gay and love her but the character of dimitri is just so incredibly well done- before and after the timeskip. i like the fact that there’s essence behind his character, meaning. i actually found this route to be kinda hard in places (cornelia for example and also edelgard) and it’s also very unique. i like the way the two factions of faerghus and adrestia interact, and also the way the alliance is just dragged into it. ( claude doesn’t die which is good!!!!) in the other routes you only really see dimitri as this crazed character but in azure moon you find out WHY and yes, that is good. the characters are all very unique and i like them all they all have their own stories and characteristics that make them as unique at the route. the cutscenes and stills are, beautifully done and truly heartbreaking. and just. AH. i adore this route more than i have any right to, on the whole it’s my favourite. 10/10.

Cindered Shadows: this isn’t really a route, but that’s okay, im sure you guys don’t mind. i love the ashen wolves, they’re amazing. the story is... weak. because it doesn’t fit into the actual plot at all and that annoys me. aelfric is a character i dislike immensely but maybe that was the point? i find the explanations in the route to be its downfall, because it clashes with what we already know in the game. sitri is pretty and im glad we get a tiny bit more byleth and sitri backstory but otherwise the characters and abyss are it’s saving grace. 6/10.

Silver Snow: im gonna go ahead and say it: fuck this route. it’s verdant wind but with seteth instead of claude. it’s verdant wind but bad and boring. it’s dull and unnecessary. i had really high hopes for this route because it’s the church! i dont like the church but a route with them could be very interesting! it was not! it lacked personality, it lacked uniqueness. i don’t particularly like most of the characters and basically just used the students and fuuuuuck the final boss. the only reason i did this route was because i wanted to romance yuri but also edelgard.  2/10 would not play again.

Crimson Flower: ... ... ... WHERE ARE THE CUTSCENES!!!! where is the reunion scene between byleth and edelgard, why is it all stills!!!!!! WHY IS IT SHORTER THAN THE OTHERS!!!! WHY. the story in this route is actually very interesting, and well thought out. but the aforementioned points are what make me want to ram my head into a wall. idk why they thought to give silver snow cutscenes and not this route but it was stupid. i do like the way the portrayed the church and rhea though. as the villains they technically are. i like the characters a lot, they’re all great, and i love the angst!!! the way you get to choose if you want to spare or kill your children whom you love. ( i spared claude and lysithea because i am weak. ) but its just. the vibe of the route is ruined by the lack of cutscenes and thats dumb ik but it is what it is. and also it did NOT need to be shorter, there was no reason for it to be as short as it was. 5/10.

so in order we have: 

Azure Moon

Verdant Wind

Cindered Shadows

Crimson Flower

Silver Snow

i enjoyed the game a lot, the writing was beautiful and the characterization was also really good. but some of the characters and routes were just. weak. very very weak. 

idk what else to say so imma leave it here i guess!! pls feel free to debate with me, i’d like that a lot. 

[gothsic]

▌𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄: jonathan velazquez vastielle. good luck learning his real name, though perhaps the more precocious of those he interacts with will find out what it is...

▌𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍: single ( and honestly? that’s for the best. ). ▌𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐏𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐒: he’s just a guy who’s pretty good at writing and drawing, but he hallucinates entire landscapes thanks to his horrific insomnia and paranoia issues. so, not a superpower. ▌𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑: dark brown - some say his eyes look so dark that they could very well be abyssal black holes. ▌𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑: black. has been dyed all the colors of the rainbow in the past, however. ▌𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐒: juan velazquez ( his father; close to deceased ), esmeralda velazquez ( his mother; deceased ), alejandra velazquez ( his older sister; she is the oldest of the three ), and guillermo velazquez ( his older brother; he is the middle child ). he also has a few nieces and nephews as a result of his siblings having families. he is known as “the cool uncle” by all of them.  ▌𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐒: monster, the miniature schnauzer. ▌𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄: jo loathes that he has let his life come to the point it’s at currently. he knows that it’s his fault, but he cannot properly acknowledge it. if anything, he is complacent in just how much at fault he truly is for so many things that have gone wrong in his life. also? point it out to him, and he will get violently irritable and probably have little to do with you after the fact. don’t expect an apology, either, unless he really likes you. ▌𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐒 / 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒: besides drawing and writing, he also enjoys playing video games - especially shitty ones that he can laugh at. however, he also enjoys reading in his spare time, and will actively hunt out new and exciting books that pique his interest. ▌𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄: maybe not physically, but jonathan has definitely hurt so many people emotionally ( annie comes to mind, as does adri and just about anyone he has dated ). he has lost friends, like jessica, because of his problems coming to terms with his anger and general lack of empathy towards other people. ▌𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄: his mother, after he angrily pushed her down the stairs, which broke her neck and killed her. ▌𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌: coyotes. ▌𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐒: lately, the most obvious has been his smoking habit, but his anger issues definitely come to mind. he will lash out at others when he feels uncomfortable, or will just generally be disagreeable if he feels envious, disturbed, or bothered by someone’s presence. this can be younger people who are more successful than him, or really anyone that fits the bill for any of the above. ▌𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐒: nobody specific, other than maybe cartoonist gerald scarfe and edward gorey. though he references h.p. lovecraft a lot, he is more fond of the atmosphere he created and the imagination he had rather than the man himself. ▌𝐒𝐄𝐗𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍: bisexual. ▌𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐀𝐆𝐄 / 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒: jo knows he is unsuitable to be a father, and would rather be a partner first than have a responsibility like a child. that said, he is definitely not a great partner either... at the moment. that could change with time. ▌𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄: this is a kicker - he has a hard time loving anyone, and though he thinks he’s in love with annie, he is not. if anything, he is actually obsessed with her because she got away. he cannot understand loving others because he is too deep into his own sense of self-loathing and problems to even bother looking outside himself. this, too, could change with time and with the right person - however, he will never be fixed. he will only come to slowly understand what it means to even attempt to love someone else unconditionally. he wants to be loved unconditionally, and not make much of an effort in that department. ▌𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐎 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐒: people that are generally going to help him remain relevant are usually those he keeps around. however, there are some people he genuinely likes being with because, well, they make him laugh or they warm his heart ( now THOSE are a rarity ). friendship is something he is very cautious about, in general, as he is not an open person to begin with. ▌𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐊: ramune or melon soda. ▌𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐀𝐓: home, though he really enjoys heading out to venice beach at night and walking along the shore when nobody is there. this is the most calming place of all for him, and it helps brings his thoughts back into focus. ▌𝐒𝐖𝐈𝐌 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎��𝐄𝐀𝐍: the ocean; though, part of him is terrified by the place. he cannot quite understand why, though part of him is aware that it is because the ocean is a godless and endless place where one could sink to the very bottom and never get back to the surface. a metaphor for his life, really. ▌𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐄: very smart, has a bite, and can stand on the same platform as him ( though, this is an entire essay in it of itself ). he basically likes people he deems equal to himself, considering he’s wildly intelligent and very sarcastic. people who appreciate his jokes and understand that he really is not to be taken seriously are people he loves having around in the long run. he gets bored easily, too, so people who always keep him on his toes are always a plus to have. ▌𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐎𝐑𝐒: indoors. jonathan hates camping ( though he goes occasionally if he really feels the need to get away from everything ). he feels he can get everything he needs out of remaining at home.

tagged by: @pistolbitten ( i h8 u! jk i dont i love u ;) )

tagging: anybody who wants to, feel free to tag me !

[studyingwithchan]

okay hi, im typing this on my phone but i felt like making this bc i think it’s important, and i rlly need to take my own advice sometimes so im gonna give u guys some tips on how to SURVIVE such a lonely experience

1. u may have noticed that i used the word “lonely” bc it is super lonely. like the first two weeks i was just //: constantly down //: bc i didnt have anyone to talk to so my advice is to make the most of ur alone time. study, go out for a walk, play a videogame (not for too long trust me), learn a new HEALTHY recipe bc food is important, CLEAN YOUR ROOM/APARTMENT/DORM, sign up for some kool clubz, etc . u dont have to socialize right away u can learn how to be happy by urself for a little bit but u will make friends eventually, it gets a lot better

2. on studying, make sure u do it. i dont wanna hear the whining of “but im too tired ));” nuh uh u aint tired bc i know u watch yt vids in ur spare time instead of being productive but as soon as u open a textbook ur suddenly “too tired” NUH UH. NO. FIGHT THAT FEELING, JUST STUDY. stop procrastinating, u guys gotta push urselves sometimes, make me PROUD

3. guys u gotta exercise. it doesnt have to be full on sprinting and lifting a ton of weights, it can be a 30 minute walk like 3-4 times a week or even once a week, just move ur body. dancing in ur room is also a good form of exercise u just put on a Mood song and u go crazy

4. omg plan things. pls. plan things. write down exam dated and essay due dates, break down ur essays into one paragraph a day, or something just plan or else youll get behind and everything goes downhill and u eventually feel like digging ur own grave

5. last one i promise 😔😔 make sure ur taking care of yourself. and your mental health. that’s super important like make sure to wash ur face and take showers and wash your clothes and keep things clean. i know that doesnt sound like the BEST thing in the world and it wont cure anything but it’ll help you. trust me, it’ll help you feel better and maybe lighten things up more

[armorabs]

i really do think krabs is a really neat character - not a perfect or even entirely good person by any means, with his plethora of issues, but despite that an interesting complex character. as the two are not mutually exclusive concepts

oh, yeah, its spongebob, so its not like this complexity matters within the context of the series, being a gag cartoon. but it being a gag cartoon is what help built this interesting complexity when analyzed with regards to information revealed in multiple different episodes, or different behaviors exhibited in different but similar contexts, and so on. its a gag cartoon, you dont have to take it seriously, and its suggested you typically refrain from doing so... but that doesnt mean you cant, because sometimes its fun. 

with its loose, if not just non-existent, continuity, the archetypes chosen for characters are used as building blocks that are continuously played with and used as the foundation of episode plots. outside of the block metaphor, this means they have to be flexible, and with that comes ... well, a diverse expanse of portrayal and characterization for each archetype represented. and with the sheer amount of content for this franchise, and the archetypes that krabs represents, lead to an interesting complex character

hes many things: he’s the cheapskate, the selfish boss, but he can be the selfless, or the wise mentor. he can be the loving father, or the neglectful father even. he’s the veteran, the pirate, the lover, the enemy, ect ect ect ... hes taken on a lot of different roles, as stories have required him to take. it may mean that he’s not consistent, and that may not necessarily make him a good person - but the way these different roles that one man (er, one crab) plays contrast with each other in a way that i find makes an interesting character?

in some episodes he loves pearl more than anything in the world, he’ll give her whatever she wants at the drop of a hat. in some others he values money more than her happiness. in some episodes he may be a caring and wise father figure to spongebob, willing to spend thousands of dollars to help him. and then in some others he’d literally sell him for pocket change. in some episodes he’ll spend an obscene amount of money on someone he wants to impress and cherish. in others he doesn’t want to spare even a penny. in some episodes the rivalry with plankton is treated like a game, something they both do more or less for fun. in some others its treated deadly serious, throwing each other under the bus - so on, so forth, is he a good person? is he a bad person? it depends on the episode.

and i haven’t even gotten into the topic of how, out of the entire main cast, he’s the only one we have any extensive backstory on, and we are shown how his behavior changes over time because of it... while other characters we have snippets here and there - like squidward went to school with squilliam, ect - but not an overarching narrative of their life prior to the series, unlike krabs. not even plankton, who is the same age as him and his childhood best friend! (an aside, i feel like more episodes detailing planktons past outside of his rivalry with krabs could be interesting)

we’ve got episodes like friend or foe, krusty krab training video, main drain, pull up a barrel, shell of a man, grandpappy the pirate, frozen face-off, and selling out - all showing us snippets of his past or focusing on it. and then episodes like hooky and squilliam returns - among who knows how many other episodes - just casually alluding to or mentioning his past exploits, and it paints a very interesting biography for the crustacean!

i could even go on for paraphraphs or write an entirely separate essay on these episodes and more and the biography they present to the viewers collectively and what it means for krabs’ character, but this is already getting pretty long so maybe i’ll save that for another time.

[kevshi77]

Interview with Jason Le

How are you today? So far so good. You?

Same bro. What time did you get up? Around 11am.

Had a good sleep? Yeah I was awake since 8. But I stayed in bed for like 3 hours hahha.

Oh what did you do in those 3 hours? Probably checking phones and watch videos. I didn't have anything to do this morning so..

Sounds good. Let’s get to know about yourself, what do you do in your spare time? I like watching NBA and playing basketball. That's probably the biggest thing of my life. And sometimes drinking or playing Lol with my friends. I dont know, I cant really think of any specific hobby apart from basketball. Oh I like listen to Jay Chou. My idol forever.

So would you consider yourself as an outdoor or indoor person? Outdoor. I dont usually stay at home unless I have to.

Are you working or studying? I am currently completing my third-year course in Auckland Uni. I study computer science and I work at Farmers just as a part-time. 

Would you consider yourself a light sleeper or deep sleeper? Deep for sure mate. I dont even go to the toilet while I sleep.

Have you ever found struggled to fall asleep?  Wow, it happens very rarely to me. I guess maybe the external factors such as noise and brightness. Sometimes I found it was too quiet to fall asleep which was weird. know people had insomnia cuz of the stress or other issues. Like my friends when they have something wrong in their relationship, they stay up till pretty late. For me, I never had that kind of issue. I guess only if I had to sleep late then I will. But its all about my choice. Last time I slept late was the final of NBA 2018. I had to stay awake at 4am because of the time difference between here and US.

What about the study? Does it cause your stress? Well, to be honest, I dont care that much like others do. I hate doing a presentation in front of the class and writing essay cuz of my English. I guess it is a kind of stress? But it never bothers me too much from sleeping well. I hate it but I dont really scared or worried or anything. Just let it be.

Oh, so how long does it usually take you to fall asleep? I dont know aye. Never counted it. I guess should be less than 15mins.

Do you have a regular daily schedule usually? No. The place I work for has got two shift for me on different days. Sometimes I get morning shift when I dont have a class. Which is good. But sometimes I start work at 9:30pm. We only see the roster a week before.

What do you do before sleep? Talking on Wechat, watching basketball and playing video games.

What do you do after wake up? Turn off the alarms haha. Oh maybe just like today. Chill for 3 hours.

Oh true. How many hours do you sleep daily? 7 hours. 

What time do you sleep? Around 1am. Sometimes I finish work around 12. But even I dont finish late. I sleep at the same time. Its kinda getting into a habit now. 

Do you think you get a decent sleep every night? I would say most of the time. Yeah. Like I dont feel tired in the day and I can fall asleep easily if that is how you judge a good sleep.

Do you listen to music during sleep? Yeah I do actually. Listening to music is a good way to end up a day. And I sometimes listen to ASMR. There are a lot of good ones on Youtube, worth to take a look. But it kinda depends, my friends don't like listening to that. They would rather sleep in silence, 

How would you recommend if someone complains about their sleep quality? Like I mentioned, listening to stuff, anything. I cant really point out a specific thing cuz everyone’s taste is different. But definitely, my previous experience tells me that background noise helps sleep. Ummm what else, maybe try to not overthinking. Cause I know I am a straightforward person. And I don't care much about life, future or study. I knew it wouldn't help anyway if I just dont sleep for those things cuz life goes on no matter what.

How do you feel when listening to those? Kinda relaxing? I dont know how to describe it. But it is comfortable and helps me to keep my mind off. I wouldnt recommend listening to Rock or Metal hahah. These are too aggressive maybe. But Jazz, Blue or even try some opera. Like I said it really depends.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth