#they genuinely believe in what they're doing and that it's a good thing
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Considering the fact that there's still ongoing waves of covid, bird flu is an active concern, and I'm disabled, no, I don't have in-person social life. And since people refuse to mask up, get vaccinated, or offer virtual participation in things anymore, my attempts to find wider social groups keep getting hamstrung. It sucks. A lot.
I've thought about joining the local French conversation group, but they don't have any covid safety protocols in place. I've thought about going to the weekly free art classes at the comic school, but they aren't covid-safe either, so I just watch the recordings when they upload them on YouTube later. I've thought about going to multiple groups at the local queer community center, but when I asked if they had covid safety protocols, their excuse was that "Ron DeSantis banned mask mandates, so we don't do that anymore," instead of doing literally anything to fight DeSantis. I keep thinking about going back to my theatre & stage combat troupe at the ren faire, but I got sick after the show every single year pre-covid and I cannot risk that "faire crud" being covid proper. I just can't.
I am an active member of a union, but that doesn't count for this poll because I exclusively participate online by video calling into meetings. I play D&D with my parents and siblings every week, but that doesn't count because they're family. I talk to multiple friends and family members every day and regularly check in with folks, but it doesn't count because it's on my phone. I hang out with my housemates and we do all kinds of things together, but that doesn't count because they're the people I live with.
I am being as social as I safely can. It feels really shitty that so many people think it isn't good enough. It feels really shitty to constantly feel like my choices are "be a weird angry shut-in" or "elevate my covid exposure risk." It feels like there's no winning.
If you genuinely believe that it's important for people to have in-person social outlets (and I do agree!), here's what you need to be doing:
Follow the People's CDC's Safer In-Person Gatherings guide (which is due to be updated for 2025 soon).
Get your updated covid booster. People aren't getting their updated vaccines, and it's a problem. If it is available to you, you need to GO. GET. YOUR. BOOSTER. And get your flu shot while you're at it.
Advocate for improved air filtration in the space you want people to meet in. Push for air purifiers if the HVAC system can't be fully upgraded. Help make Corsi-Rosenthal boxes.
At gatherings, provide FREE high-quality N95 masks for people who may not be able to access them. Get some for yourself if you can, and actually wear the fucking things. Over your nose and mouth. Properly.
Stop participating in social dogpiling when people make honest blunders or commit a faux pas. A lot of people have been isolated for years by this point. Social skills atrophy if they aren't used. Is that "weird" person in the group actually hurting anyone, or are they just awkward, intimidated, and out of practice when it comes to social groups?
Stop being a shithead to people who still can't participate. Stop entertaining the belief that people who don't have a robust external social life are "defective" or "untrustworthy." Stop treating people who don't have a robust social life as if they're dangerous, stupid, or shady. Sometimes people just don't have a robust social life. There are many, many reasons. It's not something you should make harsh judgments about.
Evaluate your space for general accessibility. Can disabled people enter and make use of the space? Is it mobility aid friendly? Sensory friendly? Are there things that can help make it easier for disabled people to find, access, and participate in the group? Have you asked any disabled people about how you can make improvements?
Get your fucking covid booster. It's on here twice because data suggests you fuckers aren't doing it. Go get your fucking vaccine.
I know I'm setting myself up for another barrage of, "Ren, it's just some stupid tumblr post, it isn't that serious" comments, but...well, it is that serious to me. I want to participate in social groups again. I want to go places and do things again. I want to go out. But I, and a lot of other people like me, just don't have the option.
You can help give us that option by giving a shit about covid safety and disability justice in your community.
Thanks, Anon!
-submit your poll!-
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the protagonists of the broken code. who's rootspring
i am tbc's number 1 hater! negative thoughts below
shadowsight: other characters sometimes acknowledge that he was manipulated by ashfur, but the narrative puts all of the blame for the ashfur situation on him, neglecting that (a) he did exactly what he was supposed to do as a healer (obey and take messages from a starclan cat), and (b) the codebreaker hysteria was far more a product of clan culture than the actions of a single apprentice. he isn't treated like the victim that he is, and it is frustrating and not cathartic.
bristlefrost: what the hell does she even do. what does her spy arc accomplish or contribute (like mother, like daughter). she finds out that bramblestar isn't bramblestar far too early. she's so perfect and she has no flaws and she's so empty. i want her to be worse. how much more interesting would she be if she was sneaky and selfish? if she was loyal to the imposter because she truly believed in what he was saying? not to mention how she reciprocates rootspring's feelings with literally zero warning, and ceases to have what little character she'd had to begin with. i genuinely don't care that she dies, they did nothing to make her an engaging character. miss bristlefrost, i'm sorry they did you so bad.
rootspring: first rootpaw thinks he's weird because of his father. i hate this because i hate tree. later, rootpaw thinks he's weird because he can see ghosts. so they give him this "i just want to be normal" deal, and the clans suddenly pretend that ghosts are silly and not real. sure, rootspring and tree are the first clan cats with this specific power. and i get that the clans have very rigid beliefs, and they are afraid of anything that contradicts those beliefs, and that's interesting! but ghosts have been appearing to clan cats all the way back to tpb. fireheart tries to kill clawface at one point and he senses spottedleaf's spirit beside him, there to avenge her death. so rootspring's issue is stupid and he's nothingburger to me.
bramblestar: the arc really depends on me giving a shit about what happens to him. which i don't.
i think bramblestar is unintentionally a bad person and a great character. he proves himself by rejecting tigerstar, but he's still deeply insecure. he makes mistake after mistake (conspiring with tigerstar; hesitating to save firestar from the fox trap; forsaking his children after finding out they're not biologically his; using his power over squirrelflight as a warrior, deputy, and leader to control her), and for none of these mistakes is he held accountable (no thunderclan cat except leafpool learns that he plotted with tigerstar; he is allowed to remain deputy; his children think he was the best father ever; in every situation, squirrelflight seems to bear the consequences of his actions).
in other words, bramblestar gets chance after chance to redeem himself, and he keeps fucking it up. again, that's interesting! there is a story here about how difficult childhoods affect adults, and how powerful men are not held responsible for hurting people. except that's not how he's written. he's written as a completely good person, a brave and noble leader, and all of the clans respect him and they need to get him back.
there's a crazy amount of bramblestar worship in this arc. even rootspring, a brand new skyclan apprentice, thinks about how important bramblestar, the thunderclan leader, is, and how all the clans wouldn't be the same without him. i can't take it seriously.
graystripe: graystripe also got a crazy amount of worship. i couldn't stand reading every few paragraphs about how great he is.
side note: shadowsight, bristlefrost, and rootspring all want the same thing. they advocate against killing bramblestar's body. wouldn't it be more interesting if the protagonists had different perspectives and opinions? if they wanted different things? for example, it makes sense that shadowsight wouldn't want bramblestar dead. he feels like the only way to make up for his mistake is to recover bramblestar alive. but bristlefrost could be in favor of killing bramblestar, because the only way to make up for her mistake (supporting the imposter) is to get rid of him. putting our protagonists at odds would generate some interesting conflict.
conclusion: i also have problems with ashfur (why does ashfur try to stir up trouble with codebreaking which will certainly get him caught when he could just take over bramblestar's body and live quietly with squirrelflight), tigerheartstar, mothwing, starclan, the dark forest insta-death water, firestar possessing rootspring, the pacing (oh my god! they were debating whether to kill bramblestar for like three books! and for three more books they were running in circles in the dark forest!), etc. but i've already written a lot and i'm out of steam lol.
let me finish by saying these are kids books, and i'm not expecting them to be the cream of the crop, but there are a lot of writing choices which are incredibly misogynistic and/or completely baffling from a narrative standpoint. i still have a soft spot for this series though. dammit. okay bye
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The horror of Eric Carle
Becoming a dad has really been a reminder of all the half-forgotten books that got me interested in horror: the ones that I will definitely share with my kid (The Minpins) and the ones that I probably won't (Not Now, Bernard)
And then there's Eric Carle, and now it's all coming flooding back - the very first time in my life that I experienced terror. Seriously, what the fuck is this?
Carle's most famous book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, is in its own way uneasy and strange (the caterpillar's voracious and growing hunger is presented ambiguously both as an unavoidable and natural process of change and something greedy and grotesque; the caterpillar appears to devour its own place-of-birth and then feels good about it) but it flies under the radar by being very unCarle-like. The caterpillar is largely tiny and cute, we get plenty of colourful close-ups of tasty-looking food, and there are only two pages and a cover which feature Carle's favourite preoccupation: giant animals with irregular, scissor-cut eyes staring unhappily at the reader as they threaten to grow larger than the page itself.
I genuinely remember feeling deeply unnerved by Carle's first major piece of illustration work, Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?, written with Bill Martin Jr., but only now do I understand why. Holy shit, I have so many questions.
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see? I see a red bird looking at me.
Why is the rhyme-scheme so frantic and breathless, like it's being chanted out during an escalating ritual somewhere deep in the forests? Why are the animals - textured via collage as if half-carved from wood themselves - staring directly at us, the audience, before then revealing that they're actually looking behind us at something else which is staring back at them in turn? Why do so many of the animals look so fearful and haunted as they acknowledge the vast web of visibility which exists between them?
Why does the 'white dog' page - perhaps the only-genuinely-friendly-looking animal - briefly plunge us into night-time, creating the impression that these creatures are somehow watching each other across spans of time and space, when Carle is fully capable of just drawing an outline around the dog?
Why is the teacher's neck extending like a xenomorph's tongue as she glares with narrowed eyes down at the children (what horrible act have they caught her doing?) Why is the cover of follow-up Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear clearly depicting a Tuunbaq stalking the reader?
What seems remarkable and bizarre is that Carle, a talented artist, deliberately chooses to draw animals for infant readers which are neither cute nor charming but which consistently embody the internet joke about hares - feral wilderness prophets who've glimpsed the truth of the universe and gone mad - and has made a stunningly successful career out of doing so.
Carle's beasts know something terrible that they do not fully understand, and which they are incapable of sharing with us.
I'll avoid the crass temptation to draw serious biographical inferences here (Carle believed he had PTSD from an adolescence spent in Nazi Germany, and his works were inspired by his childhood walks with his father, who returned home psychologically shattered by his own experiences as a Soviet prisoner-of-war) and just say that there is something wonderful, awful and innocent in the fact that perhaps the most popular baby-book artist of all time, when asked to draw a goldfish, would respond with what is clearly a monstrous open-mouthed leviathan rising up from black depths to devour us all.
Look at this horrible fucking thing. It rocks.
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Thinking about how despite being Pete's sussy guy friend, he still very much IS his friend. Wade is the type of bro to joke about dicks all the time but when the time comes, he is genuinely one of Peter's friend.
Sure, Wade tells Logan about the sparing, he tells him about patrol, and he tells him about Vinnies pizzaria even where they have their meet ups without the masks.
What Wade doesn't tell him is how tight he holds him when theye both bloody or bruised from their fights, whether against one another or a common enemy.
He doesn't tell him how they've made it a game where they can be talking on a building, and if Wade 'falls off,' Peter webs him back up and scolds him to knock it off.
He doesn't tell him that he can't believe how much Peter genuienly believes in him. He can't understand why someone so good and someone so smart would ever want to be friends with him.
He doesn't tell Logan that being around Peter makes him feel like a way better person, and how being apart from him for long emphasizes their differences, making him feel worse about himself.
He doesn't tell Logan that each time there's a little angel on his shoulder? It's Peter.
Do you know why he doesn't tell Logan? He already knows. It doesn't take telepathy to see this, and with how hyper aware Logan is, he learned all of this within a month- probably less.
Logan just comes back to the apartment to see both Wade and Peter with their suits ripped up and Peter, specifically with a bloody nose and a bruise on his abdomen. They're just.. sitting there. Holding each other so gently yet so tight that Peter is bassically in his lap, dead weighted against him, They're silent.
"Hey.."
"Hey... rough day." Is all Wade mutters, looking like he needs a nap.
"Heh.. what, kid? You fail a math test or something?" Logan tries to joke but Peter just kind of looks at him confused.
".....I'm 28..."
"And a Biochemist." Wade adds in, letting his body rest fully against the couch with a big sigh.
"Oh.." Logan says. "Well... Does the Biochemist want a tissue? He's bleeding all over you.."
Wade's hand just comes up to point at himself. "Red suit.. meant for bleeding..."
"Right.. you guys want a beer?"
"Yeeess... god, see? I told you he was the best." Wade mutters under his breath and Peter just scoffs. "You told me a billion things about him, whats your point?"
"My point- Is....." there's a long pause. "That we got our asses handed to us today...By robots. Still don't know why we couldn't just shoot'em."
Peter then groans as if he's already explained this 60 times, sitting up just long enough to take the beer. "Thanks-"
"No problem, Now scoot over."
"-but anyway, if we shot them, they would explode and put tons of lives in danger because of the automatic protocol system."
"So?"
"Wade-"
"Yeah yeah... save it for my next lecture.." he waves his hand, taking a sip of his and then reached out to clink his bottle with Logans.
"To saving the city... one god damn robot at a time..fuck this would be so much easier if Stark was alive.."
#hero-ingishard
#peter parker#spiderman#the amazing spider man#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#spideypool#???#maybe?#deadclaws#wolverine#tony stark#fuck those robots man
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Hi @andreabaideas ! We don't know each other but I follow @mzannthropy and I just wanted to say I agree with everything you said about expressing one's opinions and not caring what others think of it. And yes, especially women. I'm a very opinionated woman and as a result I've been called so many awful things by men. I just don't understand why they can't handle us having a voice. I don't understand what's going on in the US right now and why men are so offended by women in power. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can explain it in ways like they're deeply insecure and their masculinity is incredibly fragile, and they're afraid women no longer need men for anything (including sex) and that, especially, terrifies them. But even knowing all of that, I still just don't understand it. So what if a woman doesn't need you, isn't it enough that one WANTS you? But I think the problem lies there. It means they actually have to TRY to get a woman to want them because the days of women having to get married to survive are mostly gone. And now they have to try to be better people, they have to try to hold an intelligent conversation, they have to try to have varied interests and hobbies etc. And frankly I think most men are lazy when you look at that way and they don't want to put forth the effort to earn our interest and desire.
Anywho...
@mzannthropy I think we discussed this before, about how when I first got into Sam earlier this year I noticed immediately that there was a lot of appreciation and attention on his roles on The Hunger Games, Daisy Jones, and ME Before You. I'm wondering though if these are, in fact, people that I would consider fairweather fans. Not used by exact definition but its the closest I can think of to describe it. It's people who only like a celebrity for like one or two roles and are more in love with the character than the actor. Usually those fans don't stick around once the fixation on said character wears off.
I admit, I'm not as huge a fan of Sam as you or @jesstasticvoyage are, because my heart will always belong to Aidan Gillen, but I do consider myself a genuine fan. I just enjoy watching Sam work. He's extremely talented, unbelievably so. I will also admit that he's a far better actor than Aidan. I can't really put into words what he brings to the screen. A passion for what he does, obviously, but more than that. He's simply fantastic. One of my favorite performances of his is Oswald Mosley in Peaky Blinders. He's despicable but Sam is such a pleasure to watch in that performance. As good looking as he is, he did so well, I still hated his guts as Oswald.
Billy Dunne is also a favorite, even though I know you have a lot of not great opinions on DJATS. I didn't read the book so I have nothing to compare it to, so I did enjoy it very much. I was just baffled at what all he did to achieve that performance. The weight loss, yes, and learning to play an instrument, learning to SING well, recording an entire album. That's dedication. And when he's on screen I 100% believe he is Billy Dunne.
I also really liked him in Their Finest. Devastated by the ending but I loved watching it. His performance in The Corrupted is notable as well because that character just seems so not like real life Sam but he pulled it off completely.
Anyway, I'm getting off my point, which was that I personally think if you only like an actor in one role, you can't really say you're a REAL fan of that actor. A fan of the character, sure, but how can one be a fan of the actor if they only like them in one thing? Or even just two things? Especially if you look at the characters in question. They're these McDreamy type characters written and cast to get the attention of young women and teenage girls. I don't want to sound like a gatekeeper but if you only like one role then you're a fan of the character.
Omg, I just made this post so long. Imma shut up now. I really do have too many opinions sometimes 😅
Sam Claflin and Holliday Grainger in ‘Any Human Heart’ (2010)
#oh and yes people chemistry can exist between two actors with no romantic connection#chemistry exists between people in general with no romantic connection
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I'm trying to parse through why I don't like Jayvik as a romantic ship, and thought I could type it up to maybe offer a counterpoint to people who are writing this viewpoint off as homophobic or ableist. Yes absolutely those are reasons people might not love this ship, but I don't believe either of them is a reason I don't.
So. Heads-up for some Jayvik negativity and some other general criticism of the energy in the fandom (I'm not gonna try to be nasty but I am, by the very conceit of this post, going to have opinions), and a disclaimer that if Jayvik makes you feel seen or happy or anything else that's not bad and I'm not saying this ship is bad and you need to stop talking about it and liking it. I'm just saying I, an individual person, don't particularly care for romantic interpretations of these two, and I don't interpret their interactions as romantic or sexual.
Actually before I talk about anything at all I really like this post and this person has said things a lot of things smarter and better than I will about sex and sexuality and Jayce and Viktor https://www.tumblr.com/ohnoitstbskyen/768136874376232960/asking-sincerely-do-you-see-a-romance-between?source=share
I feel like I'm within the Jayvik demographic. Viktor is my favorite character in Arcane, despite quibbles with how he was handled. For over half my life my major OTP has been KuroFai, which has a pretty similar vibe (storywise, not characterwise) to Jayvik in the back half of the series they're from. The are-they-aren't-they discourse surrounding them was also quite similar for many years. I'm not gonna talk about them really, but here they are.
[image: an illustration of Kurogane and Fai from the manga Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle. Fai is a light-haired man with blue eyes, waving at the viewer with a relaxed expression. He has an arm around Kurogane, who is a grumpy-looking dark-haired man with red eyes and Fai's arm covering his mouth]
I'll admit to not having an incredibly good story reason that Jayvik SHOULDN'T be a thing, and I'm not going to present a good analysis really because I think I need to rewatch Arcane more than once to really have a solid grasp of it or a good read of the things that went "right" or "wrong" with the storytelling. This is literally my feelings-based opinion.
I like the idea that Jayce and Viktor have a deep-running love for each other that maybe defies attempts to define it as just friendship or brotherhood or romance or anything. I personally thought, in their final scene together, that the forehead touch was a far more heart-tugging, raw display of intimacy than a kiss would have been, and I genuinely didn't want them to kiss. I hope I've established that this is not because I don't like the idea of men kissing.
This may derive from the fact that I, like everyone, experience attraction in an individual way. For me, to extant, not-fictional people, almost never. I'm not uninterested in the idea of a life partner, and in fact would really like to have a person who I love more than anything in the world to go through life's hardships with, but I have rarely found an individual who I was interested in "romantically." I didn't experience adolescence the same way many of my friends did, and don't experience attraction to others in a way that seems "typical," if we can really define anything or anyone as typical. I have not been in a romantic relationship, not for lack of chances and not because I don't care about people - I have family and friends who I love very very much.
I think it is beautiful, the idea that two people can love each other, and support each other, and be soulmates and die together --- and not be in what mainstream society defines as "romantic love." If you want them to fuck nasty on the lab table that's okay too.
The second reason/cluster of reasons I don't really like romantic Jayvik is a little bit bitter and jaded and I'm sorry. It's the energy in the fandom and I can feel myself being pushed further into a stubborn opinion by the fact that I find this frustrating.
(I am putting on my "hypocrite" shirt)
Arcane has a really diverse cast. There are lots of women. There are lots of nonwhite characters. There are multiple prevalent, plot-important, kickass black characters. There is a canon wlw couple who make out on screen and then definitely fuck offscreen.
I know Jayce isn't necessarily meant to be white. Other than that. I think the fact that the Arcane tag is overwhelmingly Jayvik is just a little suspect. I told you it was a little bit bitter and jaded. I am not seeing the same level of fanart and analysis of specifically women and black characters, and I think that's an interesting energy this fandom is bringing to the table. I am not exempt from this criticism.
The longstanding argument that the reason we don't see more obsession with sapphic ships and characters who aren't (white) men is the lack of them in source material is feeling really hollow right now.
Anyway that's my two cents about Jayvik and if people care, cool, and if they don't, that's also cool. Please refrain from speculating about my sexuality in the comments. Peace and love.
Go donate to a palestininan, sudanese, congolese or lebanese family if you're able. Consider a donation to the Native American Rights Fund or another reputable organization, this week and always. In the wake of this election, you might consider mutual aid programs to help people in and around your community. It's cathartic to get drawn into fandom discourse, but there are bigger fish to fry.
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phoenix... isn't that so sweet. like he was picked on once as a kid and he didn't even know edgeworth or larry at that point but edgeworth stood up for him and then so did larry and it literally changed his entire life two kids believing in him when no one else did changed his entire life and now he's made it his goal to make sure no one he ever meets feels like he did 🚬 yeah it's not that big of a deal he was 8 it was one day of his life but isn't that just so sweet that it WASN'T this earth shattering thing like the thing that changed so many lives was literally just people stood up for him once. what a sweet thing. what a beautiful little story.
and when he met maya he could have just as easily treated her with doubt or suspicion or they could have played him defending her as i'm doing this just for mia idc about you but from the moment maya says that line about "in the office you looked at me for a second like i'd done it [killed mia]" he is so ride or die for her let's all explode.
AND like i've talked about it before but phoenix and maya's reunion in reunion and turnabout is genuinely so cute they're both like oh this is the first time we're seeing each other in a while and phoenix is like i thought u were so far away and maya's like well i had to grow up right because she wanted to grow up and she is growing up but she still wanted him there for this huge milestone he's nervous about and he missed her so badly andnandnanndnand
niiick -> immediately on nickname basis. nothing has changed m-maya -> nervous and vaguely shell-shocked. formality of 'it's good to see you again' i didn't think you'd really show up -> mia was also a lawyer she was close to it's not that big of a deal + sooo far away -> silent acknowledgement of ^ that. playful tone. agh well maybe i exaggerated just a little -> relevant to last dialogue it was only 2 hours away -> vaguely hurt you're not allowed -> i need to be strong and big and grown up i need to do things on my own by myself but i still asked you to come because this is a huge milestone for me and i wanted you here
strangles self
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📣📣📣 AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT SWAN, I shout into my empty room. @sun-mo0nshine reblogged my post about Swan being the baddest bitch and said they love the way Jasmine says, "Swan". And I have a headcanon about it that idk maybe y'all would like?? So here it is lol. Sorry it's monsterously long.
We all have animatics in our heads, I'm sure. Or full stage or cinema productions or whatever. We're picturing it as we listen. I have a full stage production in mine. There's a few parts that are questionably possible with today's technology, but whatever. It's entertaining and gets me through very long hours at work sometimes.
POINT IS, in my head, Swan almost never smiles. She sounds nearly bored the very first time she says her name in Survive the Night. But we know her better now! We know she was worried even then!! And all the girls are saying their names in ways that seem to match how they'd be feeling in that moment.
Cochise, vibey, positive. Shown by her share of the lyrics in the rest of the song, because she's the one that sings about Cyrus holding the crown and wanting to see what happens with Cleon.
Cowgirl, more excited and rambunctious, down for a good time. That one is simple lol.
Fox, short and fierce. She's already trying to show she's tough in the first moment of her in this. You can hear her lifting her chin when she fuckin' says it.
Cleon, the loudest and most open voice of all of them. Representing basically her whole character in her intro. She is the one that believes fully in Cyrus and is open to her dream.
Ajax, just above monotone, a little extra emphasis on the "s" sound. It feels a little darker, even snake-like for a moment. Not to say she's a snake by any means, but she is ALMOST an antagonist for her own crew throughout—questioning Swan over and over, picking the fight that ends up taking her away—and this bit of darker voice and imagery kinda hints at that to me.
Rembrandt, always saying her name in two parts, the last syllable usually leaning more toward her feelings. (For example, the first time Mercy adds herself to the Roll Call later, Rembrandt speaks after her and there is very clearly a ???? In the middle of her name and an annoyed emphasis on the T at the end, like she's thinking, "who is this bitch? It was MY turn next.") And in this first Roll Call, her voice seems to fall somewhere between Ajax and Swan's vibes. Not as worried or displeased, but in between. Which makes sense because she is the one that echoes Ajax when she openly questions the plan throughout this song.
NOW. Swan. Worried. Monotone. Mind elsewhere, on what the future is about to bring them. I do not picture her smiling in this.
In Warriors' Cypher is the first time we hear some brightness in her voice, but even then she's talking about "peace so far" and stating that she has everyone's backs if that changes. She's STILL worried, even while they're fooling around and having fun. I do picture her almost exasperatedly laughing at the others' parts or smirking at Cowgirl's line, but not full on grinning. She's still focused on her worry, but she's allowing the bit of fun. And, in If You Can Count, I do see her starting to smile as it seems like the peace is going to be a real, lasting thing.
But, as Swan later says in A Light or Somethin', everything goes wrong from then on. Cyrus, running for their lives, the Turnbull ACs trying to kill them, the track fire. In Track Fire and a Phone Call, everyone is again kinda goofing off. Blowing off steam, razzing each other. But Swan is serious and stern. "When we get there, that's when we've made it." No smiling. She's too focused on protecting her crew.
Then we get to Orphan Town and THIS is where I think Swan's first full, genuine smile would come in. Again, she's worried, she's strategizing. The Orphans are taking some convincing. Swan and Fox start their flirting, where I imagine she would have a placating smile on, at least. Then Mercy comes in.
And I think Mercy amuses Swan. I think she comes out, singing about the Orphans, saying "Witcha hand on your BCACK" and, in my head, Swan laughs, startled into amusement, then quickly hides it so Sully won't turn on her. Then Mercy turns on her.
She starts demanding Swan's vest and this is the first and only time in the album that we hear Swan sound a little dumbstruck. That "What?" absolutely sounds like 0.0 She recovers, offers to try and get Mercy one if she helps them through, and Mercy says she wants the vest off of Swan and what do we hear? A laugh. A small one, entwined with her, "No chance" but a laugh. The only amusement we hear in Swan's voice until A Light of Somethin'. So yeah, I think Swan finds Mercy ridiculous and unhinged and kinda hilarious. Still though, I don't see a full-on smile happening here.
But then everything goes sideways, Swan defends Mercy, Sully changes his mind about letting them pass, and Swan decides to blow their shit up. They start putting together the molotov and it's when Swan calls for a piece of fabric and Mercy offers it up that I see the smile happening. The line "Let's make their world a little brighter" is the brightest we've heard Swan's voice be. In my headcanon, feature film, stage adaptation, I see Swan asking for the fabric and Mercy jumping forward to offer it up and Swan, startled again into amusement and gratefulness, fully grins.
I think it goes away very quickly as she focuses on her task and puts back on her leader face, but I think that quick look is when Mercy starts falling.
Back to everything is hard and sucks for a while. Swan is busy trying to ignore Ajax and Mercy's beef and protecting her crew. Her sole focus is getting them home. Then they lose Ajax and she has to lead the cops away. Mercy goes with her and they end up alone.
Which brings us to A Light or Somethin'. We know Swan was likely freaking out inside. Her Warriors are out there somewhere and she can't help them, can only hope they're waiting for her at Union Square. Ajax is gone, Cleon is gone. So she's quiet as they walk through the tunnel, understandably. But, again, Mercy manages to amuse her. You can HEAR the amusement in her voice. She laughs, saying Mercy won't like initiation. She is playful when she says, "Well, you split from the Orphans, are you loyal?" It's a legit question, but it's said with such a lighter feel. You can tell Mercy has broken through the stern, stoic face she's been putting on for just a moment. I think this is the closest we get to another real smile before the Finale. Not the full blown grin I picture in Orphan Town, but a smile nonetheless.
And when Swan rejects Mercy, her voice drops back down to that more monotone, worried voice we're used to. Except it also has a bit of a rasp to it now. A pain. She doesn't want to be pushing Mercy away. Desperation and agitation fill the rest of the song and then it's, once again, everything sucks and we're running. They lose Fox.
And I feel like there's a smile after the kiss in Same Train Home. It definitely feels like there's a few in the Finale, when Swan says "Anyone sick of runnin", when she tells Mercy she's a Warrior, when Cleon shows up, when Swan and Mercy sing "When I am with you" together.
But I think the only full, unguarded or untinged with sadness/worry, grin is in Orphan Town. When this woman Swan doesn't even know shows up and startles her into genuine happiness she wasn't expecting to find anywhere. Much less on the run for her life.
#swan warriors#mercy warriors#swan x mercy#swercy#warriors album#warriors musical#warriors lmm#warriors eisa davis#warriors#warriors concept album#I can't stop thinking about swan and mercy it's a problem#Eisa and Lin feel free to call me#I got the whole play blocked out in my head
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dude it's like you and I shARE THE SAME BRAIN LIKENASKJAMA AHHHHHHH
I have already gathered so many other headcanons about them and even a possible scenerio/fic type of deal, but I shall save those for another time
Anyway, the main deal about these two is that as much as they liked to pretend, they don't actually love each other. Main reason, they are at a point in their lives where they aren't capable of it. Sentinel cause he's looking out for #1. White because she doesn't have the experience, knowledge, or probably even the ability to love in the way necessary for a functional and fulfilling romantic relationship.
What the two see in each other isn't someone they would want to spend the rest of their immortal lives with. Hell, they don't even like each other most of the time. They just see each other as a way to boost their own egos and prove to themselves their inherent superiority. Sentinel is very aware that he only sees White as an item to bolster his status, especially when he has to legitimize his rule after betraying the Primes. However, he can't help expressing fondness for her, even if it's only when she does or says something that makes him look good in front of the populous. White, however, genuinely believes she loves Sentinel. Her love language is bringing out the best in people by correcting what she believes to be their flaws. This is what she did with The Diamonds, especially Pink, and it's what she'll do with Sentinel. She knows the way she treated them was wrong and that this exact habit of hers is what led to Pink running away. This is why instead of fixating on Sentinel's flaws, as you said, she'll instead shower him with compliments and encourage the behaviors she believes is good. She doesn't at all see how this isn't better. She's doing the same thing again in a different coat of shiny paint, but hasn't yet introspected and noticed this. So she keeps on, even when it drives Sentinel to madness and brings out the worst in White.
When you mentioned that she "proved herself to be terrifying when mad," I immediately thought about a scenario where they're arguing as usual, Sentinel is fed up with White's "critiques" while White is acting like the bigger person and speaking to him like a detached, observant therapist who is only missing a writing pad and a pen. Sentinel in his foolish hubris goes for a cheap shot, maybe pointing out that she failed her own family. White in what feels like an instant, her face goes completely red and she unleashes her temper in one fit of rage. She goes off the deep end and woaaaaah the look on Sentinel's face would be priceless! Her booming voice echoing off the walls, her stomping the floor so hard as she paces around the room making it shake like an earthquake (cyberquake?). Honestly the poor bot would be knocked over by the force of White's scolding alone and she'd still keep going. Once she's done, she'd go back to being calm like nothing happened and she'd go "Whoops, hehe, sorry you had to see me like that. What I meant was I thoroughly understand you and acknowledge your input. However, my dear, I strongly disagree. I still respect you and what you have to say. I didn't spook you too much, did I?" And Sentinel is trembling as he slides himself off the floor using the wall like "Oh, nah, I'm fine, totally ok, yup, great discussion there, haha, but i got a meeting to go to so im going to go like now" and once he's back on his pedes he books it out of the room. Sentinel makes a mental note to never piss her off that badly again. White Diamond continues on as if she didn't just scold her boyfriend like an impudent child.
On a more wholesome note, YES YES DOUBLE DECKER YES to Sentinel taking White Diamond to the surface of Cybertron! She asks many questions about it, some he doesn't provide answers to for classified reasons. Speaking of classified reasons, Sentinel always has Airachnid and his drones accompany them in secret to notify him when Quintessons are near and to help him steer her clear of anything incriminating. As she enjoys the view, White laments how in her empire's conquest to spread her view of perfection, she destroyed so many beautiful sights like the one she sees on Cybertron. Sentinel tries to cheer her up by telling her the planets after being colonized by gems must look just as wonderful, if not more, than the way they did before. She just says she appreciates his attempts at comfort, but she says she's learned better than to find beauty in the destruction of life. Sentinel rolls his eyes. I bet in White's attempts to come off as humble, she frequently dismisses or shuts down Sentinel's compliments, especially in regards to her past or the parts of herself she believes are flaws.
But yea on the more silly side I find it so funny how their attraction to each other supercedes their incompatiblity. Like "This glitch/clod is annoying but at least she/he is hot" LMAO. The only time they seem to be at their most functional is when they're chilling together in silence.
Back with more White Diamond x Sentinel Prime crackship nonsense baby!!!
Ever since I first thought about these goobers, I haven't known a single day of peace (mostly cause the ideas are just racking around in my brain)
So here's a list of headcanons I came up with for Prime Diamond! If you have any questions regarding this ship, my ask box is open. Double if you have any thoughts or anything to add, go on ahead! I hope y'all enjoy!
I may make a part 2 when I come up with more lol
For this relationship to even be possible (as possible as a crackship between two characters from completely different franchises can be), it will have to take place Post-Steven Universe Finale/Future when White Diamond is in her therapy, self-help guru era. And when Sentinel Prime is... alive.
Also, I have been trying to do research regarding this but since the results are so inconsistent, I'm gonna assume White Diamond is around 80 to 90 ft tall and Sentinel is around 60 (based on how he's double Orion Pax's height and apparently TF One Orion is around 33 ft tall). If you know their actual canonical heights or anything close to that, please lemme know!
As mentioned in a reblog, White Diamond would take an interest in Sentinel Prime as a sort of little DIY project. Though he tries to hide it, White with her supernatural intuitiveness can tell there's more to him than meets the eye (he's an asshole). Having been inspired by Steven to see the worth and beauty in imperfections, she wants to give someone like Sentinel a chance like Steven did for her. Though she is making genuine strides to improve upon her previous controlling and obsessive behavior regarding perfection, this aspect of her will resurface in her attempts "fix" Sentinel while in a relationship with him. She adores and finds much interest in his "positive imperfections," but helping him improve on his more negative ones wouldn't hurt, right?
Other reasons she developed an attraction to him is for the same reason all the Sentinel fangirls did: he's just so... pathetic. When he tries to impress her with stories of battles he's never fought in and gives her a tour of his treasure room full of artifacts he didn't discover, she can tell he's trying way too hard to impress her. She finds this cute and charming rather than douchey and desperate.
Sentinel Prime pursued her because, as stated in a previous reblog, "his diva ass was always going to try and seek out a gem fit for a king." He laid his eyes on an 80-90 ft giant alien rock woman and thought,"I need her." As any sane person would. She was supposed to be nothing more than another symbol of wealth for him to show off to the other elites and officials of Iacon City to further cement the royal image he works so hard to maintain. He definitely underestimated how overwhelming White Diamond can be, and I am not just referring to her height.
Sentinel would rather have his spark be extinguished than admit to this, but his stabilizing servos get wobbly at the idea of his alien girlfriend being so much taller than he is. His pride would never admit to this, nor would it accept someone taller than him accompanying him. He believes that as a "Prime," he is supposed to be much taller, bigger, and more imposing than those around them.
Whenever they make a public appearance, Sentinel insists that White shrink herself to a height more tolerable for his fragile ego. He bullshits an excuse about their buildings not being designed for a being as tall as she is. White obliges, but given how Iacon was built when the previous actual Primes were all gigantic and alive, she quickly figures his lie and confronts him about it. He'd just lie again and say he didn't want the other Cybertronians to be intimidated... by her beauty. Clearly, it's not because of some Napolean complex or something. Still, White in her patience era takes the compliment for what it is.
The "guy who doesn't like speeches" vs. "professional yapper" isn't a joke. Sentinel can't stand how much White Diamond loves to yap. She's the kind of person to have thoughts and opinions about anything and everything. Given that she doesn't breathe, she doesn't even need to catch her breath in the middle of speaking, so she can go on and on and on, much to Sentinel's annoyance.
He tries to get her to quiet down at times, but as White tends to do, she either doesn't hear him or straight up ignores him. Her monologuing, along with her height and just how shiny she is, is very overwhelming for Sentinel at times. The only good thing he finds about this aspect of his sweetspark is when she dotes on him and showers him with compliments and attention. As if a attention hungry fame whore needed any more of it.
Sentinel even allows White to indulge in her psychoanalysis, playing up the whole "tragic hero whose brothers and sisters perished in battle and now has to face the pain and weight of protecting his people alone" that she eats up. White does sometimes hit dangerously close to home, so Sentinel shuts her down before she could dig straight to bedrock and uncover the more unfavorable parts of himself he wants to stay hidden.
Speaking of staying hidden, the way White carries herself in public makes Sentinel was to keep her locked away in a jewelry box. White is excellent when it comes to using her words to inflict psychic damage or to build someone up. When it comes to social situations where charisma, relatability, and poise are needed, this is when White is at her most alien. She is not the most socially adjusted given that prior to the finale, she spent thousands of years hidden away in a world of her own delusions. She doesn't have much of a filter, something she has been working on to avoid upsetting offending others.
She has the habit of pointing out any interesting thing that catches her eye, especially about people, whether or not it's positive or negative. This has led to her unsettling the bots at best or offending them at worst. Sentinel then has to come in and use his charisma to difuse the situation and paint her behavior in a more positive light. Only for White to turn around and ask everyone if they ever noticed how Sentinel's wings move in accordance to his mood and how adorable it is. Everyone laughs. Sentinel is thoroughly pissed.
Sentinel definitely has more relationship experience than White Diamond. All of her knowledge comes from what she's heard from the gems that come to her for her advice or from that human show the little green Crystal Gem recommended (she can't remember her name). In her attempts to emulate the behavior of what she's heard of and observed, she ends up coming off as cringe at best or detached from reality. At certain points of the relationship, she even imposes certain "deadlines" on courtship behaviors she expects from Sentinel. All his previous relationships were private, casual flings. He only made this one public because bagging a bad bitch like White Diamond is an accomplishment he felt he had to show off.
This may come to bite him in the aft when her radiance catches the attention of other bots. On these occasions, he acts possessive and showers her with attention, gifts, and affection. He tells himself and Airachnid it's because he doesn't want her to outshine him in the eyes of the public. In reality, he gets jealous and doesn't want to lose her interest and, most importantly, her attention. As overwhelming and embarrassing as she can get, a twisted part of him really craves her attention.
In private, Sentinel can flip flop greatly in how he treats White. On some days he leans on her for support and wants her to pet his wings while he vents about all the dumb, annoying bots he has to fraternize with and all the boring meetings he has to attend. White occasionally interrupts him with advice or her own views on the situation, which frustrates Sentinel. On other days, he's completely detached, not even bothering to give her the time of day. He is at his most consistently sweet and romantic when they're both in the public eye, performing grand gestures of love. This intensifies when they're on camera.
They present themselves as THE Iacon couple, but Sentinel and White argue a lot about pretty much anything. More often than not, White is trying to advise him on how to improve himself and his city, and Sentinel kindly tells her to shut up and mind her own business.
They are both very prideful people who can't accept when they are wrong. White is more willing than Sentinel to admit to it and compromise. If she believes she is 100% in the right, she won't go down without a verbal fight. She has yet to figure out how to properly counter Sentinel's "NUH UH!" though. She believes this is normal and healthy as she hears time and time again how arguments are a sign of a functional relationship. White knows how in the past she never allowed anyone to express their grievances or criticize her. If they did, she'd twist their words to further force her own viewpoint or take control over their mind and body. Seeing Sentinel passionately argue back while White practices her listening skills and only sometimes speaks over him gives her hope that she isn't regressing back to her previous toxicity. No one has told her that disagreements are healthy and normal, but frequent fights and arguments are not. And the kind of hellish circles these two go in just ain't it
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something I find funny is when i explain the endo situation to singlets or people not involved in the online system community, and describe it as a cult, they immediately agree. there is no question to the unbiased viewer that this is a cult
it’s always people within the syscourse community who want to clutch their pearls and be like “oh b b b b but we shouldn’t call them that!! that’s such a big mean word :(” even when a cult survivor is out here like “btw I recognise all these tactics from when I was raised in a cult and I can actively give you lists of examples of these things happening right now.”
#it's not a special elevated word for an evil secret group that wants to kill babies#it describes a certain kind of negative group mentality based on ideology#multi-level-marketing for example#has been blasted by people for its cult tactics#and how many of these groups operate like cults#and most of the people in those groups are not operating maliciously#they genuinely believe in what they're doing and that it's a good thing#I can give literally dozens of examples of cults who are operating under the belief they're doing something good#BECAUSE MOST OF THEM BELIEVE THAT IT'S KIND OF THE DAMN POINT#how do you think they recruit and maintain members if they're just outwardly like#YES WE AR THE SECRET EVIL SOCIETY OF KILLING BABIES#or w/e weird hollywood shit you think cults are#cults maintain their existence by convincing the members it's a good and preferred thing to be in the cult#endos do this by furthering ableist ideals with their roots in western religious fundamentalism#as many cults do#eg. mental illness bad mental illness demons#but oh you have visions from god? that's cool and makes you special no you don't need medication :)#etc etc etc
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www!reader WILL call batman a pussy for not killing on her private twitter. she does it like every other day. its cathartic
#sophie speaks#series:www#all of the batfam: i have a very complicated relationship with the idea of killing as i follow a code that i know has caused thousands of-#lost lives and hurt people. but i still follow it because i know its the right thing to do#reader and jason: what like a baby???#i actually wrote www!reader to reflect all of the guys like... worst traits#shes obsessive like tim ignores her problems like dick is completely consumed by vengeance like jason and just generally petty like damian#hand in unlovable hand#and you havent seen readers more petty side yet but believe me you WILL#her and damians interactions always crack me up because they're just so.#genuinely miserable around each other but both too stubborn to concede any ground#damian: i think ur here to cause trouble and steal things#reader: i am literally working at a soup kitchen. ur only allowed to bitch if u help#which of course he does hes a good boy but the soup kitchen definitely has a weird vibe when the two of them are around#u dont have to worry about ur own problems look at these two obviously emotionally incompetent people bickering with eachother#anyways what was i saying
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I will never make this because it would be for an audience of one (me) but ever since reading "If we Were Villains" (story about serious drama kids in college who perform shakespeare and deal with a murder) I have been entertaining the thought of a crack fic crossover with High School Musical The Musical The Series where the staff decides they will no longer put on shakespeare after the tragic accident that happened at Thanksgiving, because Shakespeare plays would only increase the tension and drama. So they hire Ms. Jen who decides their spring play will actually be High School Musical (which exists in the 90s in this universe) and it ruins the vibe so much that everyone gives up on being dark and mysterious because they're universally pissed at Ms Jen for making them learn choreoraphed basketball dancing.
#if we were villains is actually genuinely good and has actual literary worth and pulls from shakespeare in an intelligent meaningful way#but unfortunately all i can do is comedy so this is the only fan content i have to offer :(#THE THING IS iwwv is just hsmtmts if it hsmtmts was good and also they committed crimes#they utilize the same parallel of casting choices with real life drama which I love#umm so casting: Meredith would be Sharpay Obvi. I think it would be really funny if James was cast as Ryan bc they hate eachother and would#have to pretend to be siblings working together. And I think ashley tisdale and Lucas Gabreel actually didn't get along when filming#also i love the thought of Ms Jen looking at James and going “i know what you are”#HOWEVER it would be more interesting if james was Chad to Oliver's Troy (which is really just reversing their Romeo and Juliet moment)#bc chad is like nooo don't do theater... stick with me and do basketball... but it would be Coded Subtextually#Unfortunately Wren would be typecast as Gabriella and I don't think that would cause drama bc I don't believe James actually liked her!#I think it was comp het bc she was very sweet and nonthreatening as opposed to Meredith's big flirting energy so she would be a “safe” crus#lets lean into that actually. this gives Wren a chance to have a personality (bc I enjoy this book but it is not good at fleshing out women#So oliver and Wren spend more time together and kind of talk about James a little and Wren is like yeah James is very sweet#and I like him but it feels so hard to get him to feel comfortable with me... i guess he's just closed off and doesn't talk much#we also get to see more of her personality and interests maybe she's like I relate to gabriella because I also like to Read :) feminism#and oliver is like Hmm That Is Not My Experience With Him perhaps our bond is deeper and James does like me Hm#And then Meredith can flirt with him as Sharpay and James gets pissed and in character gets very intense about how Troy can't join THEATER#that's why he's upset and sad bc sharpay represents theater and only that reason and nothing else and he isn't in love with oliver At All#Alexander can be Ryan now since James is Chad (and he's also Gay) and Filippa can be Kenzie bc they're both queer coded#Anyway at rehearsal one day Meredith and James and Oliver are having their fighting over troy moment and then Meredith stops and is like#wait guys. This musical is so freaking stupid. why are we even doing this#and their mutual frustration at their art being turned into a farce is enough to bond them together and they're like#we need to focus on our REAL enemy: ms Jen#and then they hatch a scheme and it's probably like. They dump a bucket of fake blood on her at opening night a la carrie#and then put on their own rebellious production... it still has to be a musical because i like musicals#families with children are in the audience and they're like OK FOLKS! HERE'S ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!#if we were villains#iwwv#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series
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like why did they change where Vegeta was when Cell announced the cell games in the anime
why did they make this vegeta starting shit with yamcha instead of chillin in the lab with his family? why did they take Bulma out of the lab? Why'd they say she was Out while Dr Brief was repairing 16? Why did they change Bulma working on advanced robotics to running in late with her baby?
it's the same scene except: - Bulma's actively at work being a scientist - Vegeta's not being rude to her (or anyone else!) - Vegeta waits for Trunks instead of leaving the room - Cell interrupted the airwaves, which means Trunks and Vegeta were just hanging out with Bulma and Dr B while they were working
Those are all Great Character Details!! That the anime rails against!!
#these cowards afraid of showing Vegeta actively choosing to be around his wife and child even when he's Bad#Because Goku who is Good never ever even once makes that choice onscreen outside of filler#and then they justify that choice by making Chi-Chi seem horrid and unreasonable for (checks notes) Not Wanting Her Child to Die#anyway I am once again being bitter about anime vs manga klasjdklasd#I can't believe I let the anime convince me I hated Goku man Goku's SUCH a good and ridiculous character in the manga#the anime just SUCKS at letting him be who he's always been#and has to reframe and recontextualize and reword everything he does so that it seems like he's Actually Quite Mature and Thoughtful nO#THAT's VEGETA YOU COWARDS#also the fact that bulma said she wouldn't live with him at the beginning of this arc to him casually hanging out with her and trunks#after cell beat his ass and humbled him is REALLY GOOD SUBTEXT for their shared relationship having improved without showing it#it's great subtext for all three of them and toei just went 'nah' and decided to make it a whole group shot so ...? Master Roshi could sit#and explain how ??? Tournaments Work??? Just so Cell could log on and also explain how tournaments work?? God it's been so long#since I've watched the anime and now when I do it just makes me mad aklsdjskja the manga is SOOOOO much better#there are some spots where the pacing is more ideal in the anime like goku turning ssj for the first time but like man. everything else is.#like why are you making Goku snarky with Vegeta dude his clapbacks are SO much funnier when they're just Tactless Honesty#like Vegeta's not insulted by Snark bitch he grew up in the Freeza force that man was raised by THE bitchiest drag queens#Vegeta's insulted by someone saying something deeply and insultingly True to his face as if it's the fucking weather#Goku in the anime is like 'a battle of wits hoho' but Goku's purity is part of the joke he's not snippy he's just got no social etiquette#He's just honest! He's not trying to be insulting. That's what MAKES it insulting! That's the WHOLE GAG of why Vegeta can't stand him#Goku is always just telling the truth and it's always the rudest shit Vegeta's ever heard in his life#'it's a sunny day! i'm way stronger than you! see you out there bud!' 10000% Genuinely Friendly. Golden Retriever-Ass Pure.#Infuriating. Hilarious.#anyway I looked at anime clips to make sure I remembered things right and that was a mistake#as someone who has a soft spot for it and grew up on it -- compared to the manga it's bad and it's always been bad#and toriyama was right to be disinterested in watching it jesus christ they BUTCHERED his work#anyway this has been another shot of haterade with sketches thank you for scrolling my rambletags askljdask#dbtag#i just truly can't get over how they make Vegeta call her 'woman' in the anime and he literally only ever calls her Bulma in the manga#except for on namek when he refers to her as 'the/that woman' because she is a complete stranger#why is he calling her woman like he's a 1940s american husband and not an extraterrestrial from a deeply advanced society toei
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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#personal#internets#at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following#since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that-#-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people#could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media#like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities#or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because-#-of all the clicks on their article?#like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober#as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically#that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere#but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate#but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain#like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection?#but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end#they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth#I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because-#-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner#is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions?#my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with#and that won't do will it
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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