#they frustrate me in every degree
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Always gotta love getting dragged around to events that my aunt doesn't even remotely look into and it's either not the right day, not the right time, hardly an event if at all or absolutely nothing and then wonder why I get pissy, I don't even like getting dragged to this shit in the first place and it just wastes my time
And then proceeds to get pissy with me and points out that she knows I don't get out of the house as much I'd like but she, much like everything else, doesn't realize that I want to get out of the house and away from both her and my grandma for some breath of fresh fuckin air away from them once in a while
#they frustrate me in every degree#its just one of those things were the relationship on both ends would be a lot better if we didn't live under the same roof#you take a condescending micromanager. a childish 60something who never wanted to live a life and a pissy 20 something-#and ya put em in the same house. bonus points if the first two are retired and choose to do fuckall all day#and the latter is stuck having to do fuckall all day bc the other two are too nosey at best and actively bothersome at worst#every day I wish I had a car or a bus that actually passes through bc man I need to breathe
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lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it
#idk it's just all too much to deal w#i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish#i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months#like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk#i just dont know what to do or how to handle it#im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job#im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself#i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it#idk the list just goes on and on and on#nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help#i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all#im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc#i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable#i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city#anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :((#it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more.#so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk
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At the bus stop one time there was a gaggle of preschoolers waiting to catch the bus for a field trip day, and someone walked past with a couple of friendly little dogs, to great general delight.
But after a little bit, the dogs were getting overwhelmed, and the preschoolers were gently coaxed to back off so the person with the dogs could continue on. Specifically, one of the preschool teachers said, "Sometimes, when you're small, being surrounded by big people can be a bit scary and overwhelming. Even if they are friendly."
This was recieved as great wisdom: after all, the preschoolers were also small, and understood how scary and overwhelming big people could be! And the dogs were indeed even smaller than the preschoolers, so it made sense.
What was funny and charming was that, upon absorbing and reflecting on this wisdom, they all felt the need to tell it to one another. In tones of great insight, they turned to one another and said, "Did you know? Sometimes when you are small, being surrounded by big people can be scary and overwhelming! Even if they are friendly!" Back and forth, without any particular concern that they were all saying the same thing. Have reached comprehension of an insight, it must be shared!
I must say that this behavior is less charming in tumblr users than in preschoolers. Not least because tumblr users, having gained a little analytical skill to misuse, insist on Summarizing and Generalizing and Unifying the insights they repeat, quickly turning any interesting new information into formulaic dogmatic mush.
#i made the mistake of looking in the notes of the beach sand post i reblogged to see if anyone else had interesting comments#And the rate at which it went from like#1) person states with moderate confidence an opinion based on their personal observations#2) multiple people reply with “wow thats so insightful!” (aka it aligns with my preconceived notions of how things work)#3) someone else adds additional personal observations which are not really relevant but which can be absorbed into the narrative#4) people start outright stating the underlying belief on which this bias is constructed as if it were a fresh insight#5) general derisive attitude towards people who haven't seen the Obviously Correct solution to this complex real world problem yet#It's very.......#It's not like it's a high stakes post but it's such a microcosm of the whole dogmatic phenomenon#Also this js a more specific gripe to My Field or w/e#But the degree to which people react to the problems caused by the whole “Control of Nature” era of engineering#with this equally reductive “Nature will Fix Everything” type of attitude#Is sooooo frustrating.#Yes a great many of our current problems could have been avoided if we had not made massive changes to ecosystem processes on the assumptio#That they were simple and we understood them. And that they would respond in predictable ways.#the simplicity in retrospect of “wow we Should Not have done that” does not mean that they are simple to undo!#You can't go back in time. You can't turn back the clock on chaotic processes#Which is. Almost every process ever.#Restoration is hard! Returning to previous regimes of sediment or flooding or fire is tricky and full of foibles!#Moving towards a future which doesn't suck as much even if the past cant be recreated is also uncertain and difficult!#It's frustrating to see people act all high and mighty about how they Respect Nature unlike whoever is making all these decisions#When their understanding of the natural processes in question is AS simplistic as the people who caused the whole mess back in 1910 or w/e#Like I'm not saying there's not bad interests standing in the way of functional restoration on all levels#That's very much a fight to be fought.#But looking at that fight-in-process and saying “wow none of you Respect Nature like me uwu let nature fix it”#Is.#Ugh.
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the extent to which my parents will simply not listen to me is fucking astounding.
#'youre not at a point where you need a cane' WHERES YOUR FUCKING MEDICAL DEGREE#WHAT QUALIFICATIONS DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THAT#they do this every fucking time they NEVER fucking listen to me about my own goddamn body and brain and self#then I get my actual DOCTOR'S opinion and nope. still not good enough#they know better apparently#it was like this when I started figuring out I had ADHD#they both absolutely refused to admit it could be possible#you would think they would fucking learn but they never do#so fucking frustrated and mad and sick of this shit#I dont usually rant on here but god. fuck.
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nothing makes me feel more pathetic than when I’m trying to do a basic as fuck sum in my head and my brain is giving me absolutely nothing
not a single gear moving up there. Brain just clocks out when numbers are involved and trying to force it to figure out even the simplest calculations physically feels excruciating and exhausting
meanwhile my dad and my brother will be looking at me like I’m some alien experiment bc how can I be so stupid that I can’t do this shit in my head?
#I’ve always suspected I’ve got some degree of dyscalculia bc there are other related issues I have in that area#I used to slam my head on the table in primary school in frustration and cry when I couldn’t get my brain to figure things out#my exams and jotter margins were peppered with loads of tiny dot marks from where I would have to physically make a mark to count#and then count up how many marks I’d made to do the multiplication or whatever. Like 6x7 I would do six sets of seven dots and count them#I can’t do it in my head and school made me feel like an absolute moron for it but no-one ever suggested I might have an issue there#I couldn’t memorise times tables beyond like 2 and 5 and 10 consistently. Even 4 wouldn’t stick somehow#and 6 7 and 8 made me cry from how much I struggled with them. I still can’t remember them#I had a maths tutor in high school for my last year and every week he would have to teach me things again bc it wouldn’t stay in my head#My dad would shout at me when I was asking for help at maths homework bc he somehow thought shouting the sum at me would make me Get it#uncle would throw questions at me and my bro to figure out and my brother would get it instantly and I would be sat there struggling#and then the inevitable impatient sound of a disbelieving ‘come on!!’ would follow and I’d feel worse bc im expected to do it and I couldnt#there’s a home video of me trying to figure out the difference between the years 1982 and 1987 and the pause while the gears struggle#ton work out the number before saying it is agonising to listen to bc I am genuinely taking that long to do it
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i am really enjoying ff7r but it is absolutely clear the more i play it how nostalgia bias fueled those slew of 10/10 reviews lmao
#the traversal is SO FRUSTRATING#and the very same people who complain about ac-style open worlds are okay with this? when its arguably worse in some places?#lol. lmao even#it should have absolutely had a bot w climb anywhere (within reason) bent#also just feels so janky to walk around most biomes. unpleasant#and let me hide my party members on the overworld!! like damn stop bumping into me#other complaint is how it switches up confirm buttons.... minor but it adds up and like come on now it would be so simple to uniform that#(also the voice direction on every girl character who is not tifa and aerith (to a degree) is the same peppy upbeat and it pisses me off)#I DO ENJOY IT OVERALL but there are uhhh several problems with it that want to interrupt my enjoyment lmao
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im so considerate.... (<- guy not ranting about a thing it hates before its friend is done with the media)
#can officially say i finished the arkhamverse. didnt watch anything about that suicide squad one but i read all comics#a d watched the complete story & side mission gameplay for origins asylum city and midway through my refresher for knight#the biggest takeaway i have is wow these people are weird about convicts and addicts and love their toxic masculinity#but the gameplay and nostalgia impacts peoples opinions on it. maybe an enjoyable experience but for the story or universe itself#its a complete failure in every regard i can think of—only having glimpses moments of quality that makes the rest of it#be frustrating because the potential can be there. theres interesting premises occasionally but the execution and payoff doesn't make it#even worthwhile to get to those premises because of what you must wade through to reach them#<- thats me being my nicest and most spoiler freeabout it btw.#my other big takeaway is that tim is canonically older than jason and i think a grown ass man saying fuck that kid is really funny#[SPOILERS LOOK AWAY CJ]#<- tim currently works as a highschool science teacher while jason was shown to be adopted and made robin at 15#where he was then promptly captured and kidnapped by joker. he escaped half? a year later during asylum and AK takes place 2 years afterward#i think. the entire timeline for this shitty universe is awful and confusing. dick was robin for like 2 years its ridiculous.#and i think primarily so they can go noooo see bruce is a hot late 30 year old instead because you become dust at any older!!#but. back to the age thing. hes about 17 maybe early 18 during AK but because tim is a private school teacher he needs a bachelor's degree#and most people get it at 22/23ish and then theres the actual teacher application and being hired (or not because hes a nepo baby)#so hes early mid twenties or so. compared to a (presumably dead) teenager who he called a loser more or less.
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I feel a bit wary saying this because it doesn't feel quite real yet, but! had my last week of college classes last week. I still have to get through my last exam period but it's very odd to think this degree is almost over and done with. many thoughts about it in general.
#vi rambling#well. TIME TO RAMBLE#I think degrees in general are a very normalized stage of life but it felt so abnormal to me to go through so i thought id#share my thoughts. because theyre complicated!#i chose a degree solely based on my interests. which may haven't been the smartest choice all in all#considering i dont think it'll grant me any job opportunities and well.#considering my main aspirations is to Create some sorta something it at the very least widened my breadth of knowledge.#but i have to admit im mostly very frustrated. because while its obviously natural to laser focus on studies#my creativity's really stagnated over the last 3-4 years. kinda feels like i wasted my time on something and kinda missed the train whateve#that means. idk. art history was a lot more rewarding than film thats for sure because film theory is unfortunately mostly complete bs.#and honestly every year of college was a complete disaster on a personal note i dont feel like getting into but each year was surrounded by#so many bad circumstances that the fact its gonna be over feels like. it isnt over until its over. im still scared something will pop up an#will suddenly yet again fuck things up for me and this degree Wont happen. idk.#but yeah mostly i an very much looking forward to practical art studies. something to actually idk. make me feel like#im making the most out of myself. instead of trapping it under mountains of collegework. and stagnating#will probably be deleted later idk what im getting at writing this here. disillusionment or whatever
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i am slowly starting to hate my job
#txt#the benefits are good but the job itself isn’t great#but i don’t want to have to go the pain of finding something else#…… and also i don’t even know what that something else would be#urghhhhh it frustrates me so much that i’ve never known what i want to do with my life#every job i start i end up hating#i have a whole degree that’s just rotting away in the corner#i just feel like I’m wasting my life away#😞😞😞😞
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it’s honestly pissing me off how much o and otis call themselves (and other people call them) sex therapists in sex education
#sorry maybe it’s just the psych major in me but every time they call themselves a therapist i just want to scream “YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A#FUCKING DEGREE LET ALONE A LICENSE’#idk it’s just incredibly frustrating#esp with how the adults accept and call them that too?#and the school is just letting them run a ‘therapy clinic’ ???#like what the actual fuck#if i was the school psych contracted with this school i’d be losing my mind#i just wish they’d let go of calling themselves therapists#like maybe call it a peer support group or something#but you are not a fucking therapist#you are a teenager#even otis’s mom who is a licensed psychologist doesn’t correct them??#idk i’m mad i can rant about this for awhile#sex education#s*x education#this season is pissing me off
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ok i’m actually mad abt how little continuity dndads has rn like why are we doing memory stuff if we haven’t checked to make it consistent w what we’ve already said has happened ????
and also why are they seemingly determined to character assassinate ALL of the characters from s1???? up to and including the already dead ones?????
and ALSO what is even the plot anymore i feel like the world building has been so inconsistent and loosey-goosey and like that’s okay when it isn’t relevant to the plot but in this season where it IS relevant to the plot like. what are we doing???? who can or can’t travel between dimensions???? what are the limitations????
i’m just confused and annoyed i want it to be a fun show with a story that you can follow again but lately it’s been just a mess. still fun ofc because all five of them are just fun to listen to but like. i have not been able to make any sense of what the fuck is going on for like a solid 4 episodes now and i’m just disheartened about it. it’s gone off the rails but not in a hehehaha funny fun way.
#d speaks#dndads#dndads spoilers#srry i just needed to vent like. what is happening what is happening ???? i’m so confused i don’t LIKE being constantly confused#and also i am getting so so sick of this ‘everything has to be grimdarksad no one gets a happy ending’ bs#it’s just annoying it’s pessimistic and i think there’s a line between being a comedy that deals with deep and serious issues and then just#being a bummer downer that has jokes in it. like it’s so pessimistic and none of the root issues are being solved or even fully fleshed out#and the constant indecision about the backstories of all these characters (the kiddads & the og dads) is SO frustrating#i know that there’s a degree of that to be expected just as is natural for improv#but also you’ve gotta have SOME consistency please i’m begging#i’m relistening to s1 rn and i’m in the later episodes and it’s just like. i miss when they had clear arcs#and yeah back before they character assassinated every single kiddad !!!!#also freddie and anthony specifically and their takes on glenn this episode. what the fuck was that#are you trying to tell me that everyone who said in s1 that glenn didn’t change and didn’t have any arc was RIGHT??????#because you spent a LOT of time talking about how silly that opinion was just to now turn and around and be like yeah glenn is reverted#back to who he was in e1 !!!! like cmon. what the hell
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yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health
#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit#which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/#and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it#so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly#i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does#which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it -#is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭#like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things#im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them#like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time#whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down#and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO#so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am#and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway#and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like#and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl.#like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER#and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just#her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up?#me: why do you need a watch for that?#her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover#me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists#THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH#ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done#latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up#i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house#thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth#godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type#i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community#hella goes home
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the trouble is. i don’t know how to get a job. lmao
#my other two serious jobs were ‘applied’ to informally. i approached my neighbor and then the parents approached me.#the school district just handed me the sub job but that’s not working out bc i need permanence#and that’s the trouble. genuinely how do you get a job in 2023. i don’t know how to apply#i need a letter of recommendation for every single position i apply to?? seriously??#that just seems so unreasonable and unrealistic. i can’t ask my former boss to write a bunch of unique letters#i’m so lost like. it’s not like indeed actually works.#i don’t know what to do it’s so difficult to even find legitimate positions let alone apply for them#i’m a college dropout so i have no skills only experience (and experience in a very niche field)#and when i tell ppl i haven’t gone to college they’re like oh :/#they have no other advice bc you only get decent jobs via a degree or word of mouth#and i don’t know anyone#it’s just frustrating. i feel like there’s some big secret i don’t know#anyways.txt
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Sometimes I'm surprised that monster hunter isn't more popular among the creature design and spec evo corners of tumblr, at least the portions that also play video games, and then I remember that it's just about as hard as soulsborne games (I'd argue some specific entries are even harder) but doesn't have any of the atmospheric or story elements to attract people. It gets by on sheer gameplay alone and isn't a pvp game either. There is no way to make the game easier besides picking one of the less mechanically complex weapons and git gud. If it wasn't for the neat dinosaurs I couldn't think of a game less alluring to the average tumblr user
#a lot of other games it's a combination of escaping into another world with stuff like immersion and story#monster hunter as an ip adamantly refuses to elaborate about the world it takes place in#there is no overarching story and there's basically no lore with few exceptions e.g. fatalis but even that's really barebones#mh is just like. you're a hunter. now go kick the shit out of dinosaurs with your giant guts sword#there have been a lot of memes over the years about how it also doesn't have a tutorial it just expects you to figure it out#it has extensive ''explain how this works'' popups but they only exist for certain mechanics#and somehow half the time manage to communicate nothing of use#but actually important stuff like ''how do i use this weapon'' are not explained ANYWHERE within the game itself#and it has some of the most complicated mechanics i've ever seen in a real-time combat game i.e. charge blade and hunting horn pre rise#it just does the equivalent of giving you a gun you need a master's degree to operate at full potential and throws you to the wolves#and if you try to naively look up how some of the weapons work you get multi-page hard-to-parse essays#i STILL don't know how hunting horn works pre-rise because every time i try to read a guide my eyes glaze over#like there are perhaps few other franchises more unfriendly to an ''easy mode my beloved''-type person#not to rag on those people. there's nothing wrong with that but some games are just NOT going to work with you in that way#i pretty much only like it because i'm unfortunately a Tryhard Gamer#and the feeling of being a small human killing a dragon god by sheer skill and willpower is like crack cocaine to me#i would be more frustrated by mh's lack of any lore to speak of if it weren't for the gameplay injecting dopamine straight into my brain
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Me, talking to a cis friend about Harry Potter: honestly, the films are... *okay* if you stream them but I wouldn't touch the books with a barge pole.
Random classmate, 2 seconds later: harry potter? Oh you HAVE to read the books they're so much better and blah blah blah
#so frustrating#I told my friend about some of the shit that's in the books and she gave me big oof vibes#So hopefully she listens#also#do not understand why a master's degree student is wearing a deathly hallows necklace every day#harry potter#jk rowling
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Me through clenched teeth with a white-knuckled grip on my pen: My Art has Value, the Only One who has to Like it is Me, My Art has Value---
#tristan rambles#it's so frustrating that i KNOW i should care about my art for me and not worry about the level of attention it gets#but there's still the part of me that just wants someone to look at something i make and go 'wow...' and tell me the details they notice#i guess i want to make something worth falling a little in love with. enough to make an impact and be worth spending spoons to talk about#i want someone to see a character design i make or textures/colors i use and go !!!! and share that feeling with me#maybe i'll get there and feel more solid in my abilities one day! i'm still gonna art regardless and make things that make me happy.#i want to keep growing and learning and i'm still excited for the journey and every step i'll take to becoming a better artist#but i wish it was easier to set aside the internal expectations and not have my joy at making something tarnished because#my brain can't let go of the idea that not getting enough responses/the ''right'' responses means my art isn't ''good enough''#tbh the change in attention is unsurprising given i've shifted into more original character stuff instead of fandom. i expected it too#but the logical understanding doesn't hold up against the emotional yearning sometimes. and it's annoying as heck.#but it's also my problem and my own thing to unpack. this isn't a guilt trip so much as me wanting to throttle the part of my brain#that can't let go of the desire for attention to such a degree it's taking away from my enjoyment of the process#like fuck you my guy let me like things and feel proud without staring at the numbers/replies
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