#they dissociate a lot and often go through a form of depersonalization is what i'm saying

[wereh0gz]

Having Rue thoughts

I think. Rue's transformation and the few weeks following mark a sort of death for her. She feels the old her died back then. Her changed appearance doesn't help much

She looks down at her own hands, or sees her own reflection, hears her own voice, and feels the dark energy that transformed her flowing through her veins... and for a moment feels she's not looking at herself

That's not her body. Not her hands. Not her eyes. Not her voice

Not her

And she feels an itch

Like something beneath the skin. Wanting to get out

And she feels that. Maybe. Beneath the skin of the beast is the real her

So she scratches. And scratches. And scratches

And finds nothing but torn up flesh

Just like the last time. And the time before that. And countless other times before

There is no "real her" inside

All that's there is the monster

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hello - it's John again, anon who asked about the blackout stuff

I had another question and an update

We did find the alter, and she is a new split, and is a trauma holder, I didn't know it at the time I had sent the ask but one of our abusers tried to contact us (went looking in our notesapp history and messages) which caused a switch & total blackout, we've had a few more since then since things have been stressful but she is trying to communicate, just harder with very bad aphantasia and dissociative barriers. Haven't had therapy in a few weeks and we're in quarantine this week, but have therapy again this upcoming Thursday so we will talk about it then but the therapist doesn't know the full extent of us being a system other than knowing that we are and that most likely was trauma that formed us,but we are gonna try to talk about it more, so you have any advice on bringing it up?

And onto my question before - is there dissociative disorders other than DID? We have a lot of alters (like 1000+) and most of them are fragments and some fully fleshed, but we all still tend to be somewhat similar, I think maybe it's a safety thing so it wouldn't be noticed, and I thought did always had very different alters, we tend to be more similar than not even though there are quite a few exceptions, but we have horrible memory sharing, I usually retain some level of "done something but idk what exactly" but we lose a LOT of memories and feel detached to ones that we do remember like they aren't "mine" per se just that "I" was there for it, in addition I never ever switch out I'm *always* here unless something very big happens that throws everything into disarray, it sort of makes me feel not valid because we don't have control over switching and I can't ever leave even if others can come in and out of the fronting area, I think/know that I do have a dissociative disorder of some kind because it is very impactful and impairing my symptoms, but I guess don't feel valid sometimes because I also like being a system sometimes other than the memory and dissociation

-john

Hey John, we’re probably getting to this too late to share advice for talking to your therapist - we hope that they were understanding and everything went well! We’re sorry if our absence here made it more difficult for you to talk to your therapist about what’s been going on in your system.

As for your second question, there are a few other dissociative disorders besides DID. There is OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder), P-DID (partial dissociative identity disorder) and DPDR (depersonalization/derealization disorder). However, it’s possible for systems with DID to have hundreds or thousands of alters, if not more! Systems with this many alters may have polyfragmented DID, although polyfragmentation has just as much to do with a system’s complex structure as much as having a high alter count.

We are not polyfragmented, so we can’t provide much in terms of advice or personal experience when it comes to understanding polyfragmentation. Any polyfragmented system who sees this is more than welcome to weigh in with experience, resources, or advice!

When it comes to not feeling valid, we’d like to offer some words of encouragement that might help y’all, if that’s okay.

First off, it’s very normal to not have control over switching, especially for systems who haven’t been able to make much progress either internally or through therapy! Our own system has been improving when it comes to managing switches, but we still don’t have full control over who fronts and when. Not being able to control switches doesn’t mean your system is invalid, and we can assure you, lots of systems out there function in that way!

Also, it’s not as rare as you might think for systems to have frontstuck members… even for many folks with dissociative disorders like DID. Our host is usually fronting to some extent (albeit often quite dissociated). And there are plenty other systems with frontstuck members too!

Finally, it’s okay to like being plural or part of a system, even if you have a dissociative disorder. Yes, it can often be impairing, difficult, painful, and overwhelming… but it can also be comforting, joyous, fun, or exciting! We have a complicated relationship with our plurality, but most of us love being a system and we wouldn’t trade our plurality for anything in the world! Having a mental illness or disorder doesn’t mean you have to be suffering all the time, and finding joy and happiness in our disorders can help make living with them so much easier!

Good luck out there, John. We hope things go well for you and your system in the future!

[inhumanliquid]

"It's not abuse if it doesn't break any bones" and other lies you can tell yourself

An incoherent(?) ramble(?) about the effects of certain "punishments" from the perspective of someone who realizes they didn't turn out fine

I was hit and yelled at from the age of about two to a time I have no memory of. I wasn't even a bad kid, I just didn't understand social rules (autistic) and got upset easily (little kid).

All I remember from when it would happen was the pain and fear. I don't know what I did to make them so mad. That's a problem.

Because they never bothered to explain what I did wrong, I didn't get that what I did was bad. I assumed that they didn't love me and that I was irredeemable.

Once, I was hit just because I was crying because I got yelled at for no reason. My mother likes to threaten punishments for showing emotions pretty damn often for someone who claims she's okay.

They used to lock me in my room. Now I do it myself so others can't do it for me. I'd love to feel safe going out without being scared of being forcefully isolated again.

I grew up with horrible self-esteem issues as a result. I hated myself and assumed everyone else hated me, too. I was suicidal from the age of around five (which I only know due to a diary my mom bought me and decided it was perfectly fine to snoop through). I got yelled at for that, too. It made it worse.

I still can't trust my parents because of what they did. Loud noises, especially literally anyone yelling, cause me to have panic attacks. I hate being touched unless I personally initiate it or the other person asks very specifically if the form of physical affection they're looking for is okay because it makes me anxious. I'm unable to communicate effectively with others and quick to resort to verbal or physical violence because, believe it or not, it's hard to get past things you internalize as a little kid.

Part of why I refuse to even adopt a kid is that I'm scared of being like my parents. I don't want to make another human being feel like they're just an object for people to take their anger out on or to teach them to view others in that way.

Because of how my parents treated me, I struggle to maintain stable relationships. I blow things out of proportion and make them the problem of people who were never involved to begin with. People are either totally evil (my parents) or completely perfect (the few people who actually stay around that aren't obligated to) with absolutely no in-between. I'm not a person, but a ceramic doll that's been completely shattered and then shoddily glued back together without all the pieces because some of them were either turned to dust or simply lost.

I dissociate a lot. Usually, it's derealization (disconnection from the world) or depersonalization (disconnection from the self), but it's also things like feeling like someone else got yelled at or hit or locked in that room for simply being alive.

Tangentially related to that point is that I just... don't have an actual identity. I can’t even answer basic questions like what my favorite color is.

My name is anything but my deadname, and my pronouns are any but the ones associated with my agab... which could easily be because of the association I have with that specific name and those specific pronouns, so I doubt myself on my own gender identity.

I could give you a list of things I do to waste time and call them hobbies, but hobbies are something you enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything at all anymore.

Online strangers, like MatPat and some of my Tumblr mutuals, and various fictional characters are more like family than my parents have ever been, or ever will be. Because they're actually nice to me.

So maybe think twice before treating a kid like they're subhuman just because they're young.

[tmitransitioning]

Hi in one of your asks you mentioned depersonalization - do you mind explaining that a little more? From what you said it sounds a lot like what I'm going through but didn't have a word for - which is making it hard to talk to therapists about. I love the new blog!! :)

Depersonalization refers, confusingly, to several different things in psychology. The way that I used it in that answer was talking about it as a combination of both dissociative-spectrum symptoms and an actual disorder, called depersonalization disorder. This is because I’m drawing on both my own experiences and the analysis of depersonalization as linked to dysphoria by the folks at Gender Analysis. [cws: suicide, discussion of drugs]

Depersonalization, as a collection of symptoms, is a general feeling of being detached from your body or not feeling “real”. You might feel like you’re piloting your physical form, or watching yourself as a detached observer. You might constantly monitor yourself like you’re watching an accident-prone child, and constantly analyze your feelings and thoughts for logical patterns. You might feel dead or robotic (either in a metaphorical or literal sense), and be emotionally numb and “smooth”, and be going through motions in your daily life without any meaning behind them. All of these together, persisting and recurring over time, make up depersonalization disorder.

There’s a lot of overlap with dissociation, as you can probably see; they often co-occur. And the distinctions aren’t very clearly defined. Depersonalization, though, generally focuses on your own self or body—”I don’t feel real”, as opposed to “the world doesn’t feel real”.

This can be a symptom of a lot of things—these experiences are present in anxiety disorders, and depression, and on the dissociative and psychotic spectra. But it can also be a symptom of dysphoria, and a way that your brain is coping with the feelings it gets about your body. It’s weird in part because, if it goes on for long enough, it often just becomes the new normal for you. I didn’t realize how completely uninvolved and distant from my internal experiences I’d been until I started medical transition—like dropping a really heavy backpack, and suddenly you realize that you can walk way easier.

I linked this above already but I’m going to highlight this specific article in particular, because there’s a huge whack of people’s personal experiences with depersonalization symptoms in there that might resonate with you. I’m one person, and while I definitely experience/d this, since I did say it wasn’t uncommon I feel like I should back that up. :)

- Mod Wolf

[mental-health-advice]

My parents are divorced and I'm gay, I came out to my dad before my mother and when she found out she got super angry at me for not telling her first so she yelled at me and threatened me for about 30 minutes about this. It was only one time and she never did anything like this ever again. This was about 5 months ago. Whenever I recall the memory I become nervous, my hands shake and my vision blurs. So kinda a minor panic attack. Is there something wrong with me? What is it?

Hey friend,

I’m so sorry you’re going through that! It sounds really rough,and you deserve better than that.

It sounds like your brain is reacting to the trauma that happenedwhen you came out. There are several different kinds of disordersthat can stem from traumatic experiences. I’ve listed a few below,along with their symptoms and descriptions. This is not an exhaustivelist, but rather a list to give you an idea of the types of disordersthat can result from trauma.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

RAD is when a child  doesn’t formattachments to parents or caregivers. This can occur if their basicneeds for affection and nurture aren’t met in their early years. Thiscan affect their life when they are older as adults if untreated.

Symptoms include:

Demonstrating irritability, tendencyto withdraw, fear, or sadness that is difficult to explain

Showing no response when others try togive them comfortable

Lack of interest in playing withothers

Failing to ask for help

Dis-inhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED)

DSED is when a child acts overlyfamiliar with strangers or other people they have never met before.This kind of behavior is often seen as culturally inappropriate, andcan cause issues with people who might not have the best ofintentions.

Symptoms include:

Behavior patterns where a child actsoverly familiar with people they have met before. They do not showany signs of caution when approaching strange people. They alsoneglect to check in with their parents or caregivers to see if it’sokay to interact with strangers. This can also be challenging whenchildren are willing to go off with adults they have just met.

These behavior patterns are notbecause of impulsivity, but because the child doesn’t understand orsee the danger in doing so.

The child has experiences extremepatterns of insufficient care, such as neglect or deprivation,frequent changes in caregivers (like in a foster home), being raisedin institutions where there are few caregivers to watch over them.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Probably one of the most common traumainduced disorders, PTSD happens after someone has experienced atraumatic event. There are several conditions that have to be met inorder for PTSD to apply. Our body has a strong fear response that canbe hard to counteract, especially if external circumstances reinforcethat fear.

You must meet the conditions outlinedbelow in order to be diagnosed with PTSD (by a mental healthprofessional)

At least one re-experiencingsymptom:

flashbacks

nightmares

scary thoughts

At least one avoidance symptom

staying away fromtriggers that remind of the traumatic event

staying away fromfeelings and thoughts related to the trauma

At least two reactivity symptoms:

getting startledeasily

having troublesleeping

feeling on edge

getting angryoutbursts

At least two mood symptoms:

troubleremembering details of the event

negative self orworld view

experiencingintense guilt or blame

lack of interestin activities that used to bring joy

Acute Stress Disorder (ASD)

ASD is when someone develops severeanxiety and dissociative symptoms soon after a traumatic event. Thesepeople have a decreased emotional capacity to respond, and find itdifficult to enjoy activities they once loves. They also feel badabout doing day to day tasks, in comparison to the trauma theyexperienced.  These people can also have a hard time concentrating ontasks, may feel detached physically, may feel like the world isunreal, and have a hard time recalling the trauma.

In order to be diagnosed with ASD (bya mental health professional), you must also experience at least onesymptom from each of the categories listed under PTSD.

Other symptoms include:

Response to traumatic event involvesintense fear or helplessness

Avoiding stimuli that remind suffererof the event

Feeling 3 or more of the followingwhile recalling the traumatic event

Feeling numb or detached

Reduced awareness of your surroundings

Derealization

Depersonalization

Dissociative Amnesia

Adjustment Disorders

After experiencing significant stress, individuals can havedifficulty adjusting back to normal life. Your normal routines mightfeel overwhelming, and you might have a hard time doing day to daythings. This may lead to making reckless decisions or feelingsuicidal.

Symptoms include:

Emotional

Sadness

Nervousness

Crying spells

Hopelessness

Anxiety

Jitters

Lack of enjoyment

Desperation

Difficulty sleeping

Feeling overwhelmed at things that you used to be able to do justfine

Suicidal thoughts

Behavioral

Reckless driving

Fighting

Ignoring bills

Avoiding friends or family

Skipping school

Performing poorly in work orschool

In no way should this be considered a diagnosis. If you want adiagnosis, advice on medication, or professional help, you should goand see a therapist or psychiatrist. They have a lot more resourcesavailable to their disposal and have more experience in helpingpeople recover from this sort of thing. I would highly recommendgoing to see someone who specializes in treating trauma. They havedifferent techniques and ways of treating trauma disorders thangeneral therapists.

Good luck, and I hope some of this can be helpful to you!

“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”

~Mel