#they arent worth your time so dont let them have it

[memorys-skyscraper]

i wish that when people bring up the fact that eating well and exercising and meditating and all that are good for your mental health/overall wellbeing, they would also mention the fact that doing all that shit fucking sucks

[gopissbepis]

I don't want to be friends with my friends anymore.

I don't want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend anymore.

I don't want to smoke anymore.

I don't want to do anything that isn't entirely full of love. So much love.

I want to be around my family, people that I love and care about and know for certain deep in my heart care about me so much and hold nothing but my best intentions. I want my life to be so full of love and peace and care and to not have to constantly question people's intentions... I want my baby to be constantly reminded that she has a safe space within our incredible family that will always be here for her when life inevitably gets tough.

I want to spend quality time with my daughter and take her to things that she's interested in. I want her to absolutely thrive and have incredible memories from her childhood. I want to be able to look back at a catalogue of good times when I'm doubting myself as reassurance that we are doing okay; I am good enough.

I want to progress in my career and work towards my long term goals, and I want to continue enjoying the challenges and rewards of doing so. I want to be an asset to the team and to be able to make a positive difference in the lives of the people that I see. I want to make a difference.

I want to be my best self.

[midnightbrightside]

pearl and maya come down to see phoenix early into the 7yg. and what do you know, kristoph is there too. phoenix introduces them as pearl studies this new man. she's come to terms w the fact that phoenix and maya arent together, but when she sees how kristoph's hand is placed on phoenix's arm something clicks. "oh! mr kris is mr nick's 'special someone'!"

phoenix goes to correct her but kristoph shushes him, "let her have a little fantasy, it's easier than correcting her anyway."

"yeah, but she'll expect us to act all couple-y in front of her." phoenix warns

kristoph raises an eyebrow, "is that all? half of my office already thinks we're an item, i dont think we'll find it difficult." it's mostly the truth, most of his office have deduced that theyre sleeping together and a few of them call phoenix "mr gavin's boyfriend" when they think he can't hear them.

and that makes phoenix pause. kristoph isn't wrong. everyone seems to think there's something going on: staff at the borscht bowl, kris's coworkers, and now pearls... fuck it, whats the harm in indulging her a little? "yeah, kristoph is my special someone" and he's gotta admit, pearls's delighted squeal makes the lie worth it.

throughout the day it's surprisingly easy to fake it, especially since maya and trucy pick up fast and play along. phoenix is thankful that theyre so smart and put up with his bullshit. even so, every time kristoph laughs at phoenix's jokes or leans into his arms he can feel trucy's gaze boring holes into his back. he doesnt know what she's looking for, but it's a relief when they put her and pearl to bed for a sleepover.

in trucy's room pearl sighs dreamily "wow, mr kris and mr nick are really, truly in love!" she's kicking her feet.

trucy hums a doubtful little "mhm..." and pearl looks worried.

"oh no, you dont sound so sure"

trucy's eyebrows are pinched together like shes thinking very very hard, "i know uncle kris likes daddy a whole lot, i KNOW he does..." she trails off.

"... but?" pearl prompts.

"i don't know! grown-ups are weird" she mumbles, frustrated. daddy and uncle kris aren't actually dating, she knows that. but they didnt seem to not like being a couple today. maybe that means they like each other? but that doesnt feel right either.

pearls pulls trucy out of her thoughts, "hey, if mr nick and mr kris are boyfriend-boyfriend does that mean you have two dads?"

trucy blinks. "uncle kris isnt like daddy," she smiles, "but if he was i think that means i have three!"

meanwhile kristoph, phoenix, and maya are in the living room. maya thanks them for saving her from a million questions about nick on the way back, and tells kristoph it was nice to meet him, it's good for nick to have a "friend" who lives near him for once. she means it.

the moment kristoph leaves maya turns to phoenix, "he's a weird guy."

phoenix smiles "he's not so bad once you get used to him. besides, he's good to trucy and i, and i appreciate that." he doesn't know why kristoph has been so kind to them, but he's in no place to question someone's generosity.

theres a pause as maya thinks, "hell, edgeworth was weird too and you were right about him. i'll trust your judgment this time, gavin seems to make you happy" a smile creeps onto her face, "so dont take 3 years to confess to this one," and she laughs as phoenix sputters and blushes.

[tannieastrology]

Capricorn Venus-Learning To Love, Love🤎🧸

☕️ How I imagine a love for Capricorn Venuses one day- Something REAL. Something that warms your heart. Someone to just come home to.

Kinda a personal story<3

☕️🧸First off people who have Capricorn Venus or Venus aspecting Saturn how did yall meet yalls partner and how would you describe your experience in dating? Let me know your experiences down in the comments!

☕️🧸Some common themes- unrequited love, being unable to catch feelings, work/school focused, unsatisfying relationships, liking people for years, low self worth, having to go through many obstacles, strong souls, gracefully age.

☕️🧸My Venus is in Capricorn in the 3rd house conjunct Jupiter, Pluto, and POF and trines my Virgo Saturn in the 11th. All of my friends are older and I actually met my friendgroup because of my older sister and find it difficult to make friends regularly. I also mostly hangout with older people but when it comes down to dating I am very inexperienced even though I know im only 16.

☕️🧸Like ive never talked to anyone and when I like someone ive had a pattern of liking them for like 2-3 years( my venus being in the 8th degree of scorpio). I also dont get approached alot and while I do have guys approaching me here and there theyre never my type.

☕️🧸Like I LOVE classy men but guys my age just arent like that it kinda bums me out. Watching people easily get into relationships ever since I was a kid and being able to attract anything they want in love matters made me really think I was ugly for the longest time.

☕️🧸For one I literally was a ugly duckling from elementary to middle school and I didnt really go to a school where indian features were appreciated(a majority of my school is hispanic and black). I always kept quiet about my crushes because I always thought no way they could like me?

☕️🧸It wasnt really until this year(my sophmore year) where I realized I have grown sooo much as a person. Beauty wise and personality wise. The way my Venus has impacted me the most was friends because of the relationship of my 3rd and 11th house. I lost friends, was lied to, and backstabbed and eventually made me realize that I wasnt the problem. The people around me are just vain. This made me go into depression for a while but also made me reflect on my relationships.

☕️🧸Eventually I thought why do I deserve any less? And yall dont understand this was such a turning point for me because it made me cut off so many unnecessary people in my life along with raising my standards within my relationships which is EXACTLY what Capricorn Venus should learn to do if they feel theyre relationships arent satisfying. Not just friends but in romantic interests too. Like I actually have boundries for myself but I will say that I lost alot of my innocence when it comes to love. The biggest thing for me personally is that I grew into myself but it took a longer time for that to happen for me compared to my peers but man sometimes people be hyping me up and I just dont know how to deal with it because I grew up ugly LMFAO.

☕️🧸Saturn here will force you to be patient and learn alot of valuable lessons for not only romantic love, but also friendships and familial relationships. Because one thing ive noticed is that these people are very sweet, soft hearted, and always wanted to fall in love, but as they got older they had unsatisfactory in those experiences and come to take the stereotype of being “cold” when in reality you just come to realize that people are disappointing. With time ive noticed we age well and we meet more serious people as we get older but you just have to deal with immaturity for a little while until that happens. All in all Capricorn Venuses will get what they deserve and I PROMISE you will be fine asf when u get old so hang in there.😘

If I were to give you a love based on a movie itd be this one<3

I really hope yall enjoyed this I wanted to give my insight on it so here I came🥰

[elulsdr]

WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU?

PILE 1 PILE 2 PILE 3

hey guys, it's my first pac ever so i would love to have your feedback. this pac also has random messages too rather than what do people think about you.

it's mainly about the messages i got. i hope it resonates⭐️ (i swear i'm better at personal readings LMAO)

PILE 1

people think you're very self oriented and love to have the power over them. maybe you have leader qualities and they can see that. i'd say they think you're more likely to choose logic over emotions. they think you're def the overthinker one. they know you know you're worth and know when and what to say something. they can feel that you like to be seen as cold hearted and powerful. in your head being numb equals having power. people think you're very materalistic as in, whatever you wear you make it seem expensive. people think you're very soft inside but don't let a lot people in. sometimes they can sense that deep down you're really insecure and they can see the other side of you. where you're not sure of anything you do, you don't trust yourself enough. sometimes you come off as really complex and a lot. you seem to be stuck on something. you want to let it go but can't really do it cause you get used to it. so that's why people can sense your imbalance energy. you could be indecisive or air headed these days. still, people know you have the strength to get over it. you could intimidate people at first but when they see the real you -which you dont show it to many they love it. maybe you got hurt on the past, that's why you put a mask like that. you could be very obsessive, and passionate about the things you love. you come off as competitive too.

PILE 2

oooh my broken heart pile.. if you recently gone through a breakup, doesnt matter if it's romantic or friends. people see youve been thru ALOT. you show it to everyone whether youre aware of it or not. people can sense the broken energy. you keep trying to explain your feelings? or what happened between you and the other person and they're like, can she move on already?? but it's cruel to think like that. cause i feel like this relationship somehow connected to your inner child. maybe the relationship helped you with healing your inner child that's why you felt those emotions that hard. people think you're sensitive and a romantic. everything i said was in the past, your energy now seems very refreshing and stepping ahead. also i have a really bad headache rn, are u ok? take care of your health and make sure you sleep enough. you have many sleepless nights. anyways, people see your steps to a better life. although you might got addicted to the new me concept and ignore everyone who tries to help you or tries to talk to you. you're like, i don't want your help i've been by myself all this long i can take care of myself from now on. they are a bit annoyed by this. they think you're a bit stubborn. DEF a hopeless romantic. don't try to burden everything and try to move on with your life asap. take your time to heal. and take people's help -only the ones who really care tho. aww i just got the 3 of swords. pls keep your precious heart safe bby. your love is enough and you will find someone that loves you as much as you love them. (wow pile 2's photo says the exact same thing, i didnt mean to do that lol)

PILE 3

hey pile 3, why do you feel so alone even if you're out with your friends? you like to ask people for advice but somehow you don't trust them as much as you trust yourself. i mean good for you but people -maybe your friends can tell that you're faking your feelings sometimes? maybe you feel the need to be happy around everyone even if you feel like shit. they can tell that. there's this person you are stuck on. it seems like you arent able to let them go. people really wonder about you guys. you could be a heartbreaker too. you and your friends are sarcastic people. people could get annoyed by the fact that you guys have fun lol. people think you have it all and you will have it all. they dont like the fact that they cant get a piece of you, your space, your time. it's like, there are people who want you but you got someone else on your mind who you seem to cant have. you like to learn more and more. you're very smart and people like that. but there's just this unknown people love about you. you have the friends, you have the grades, you have the face but what is it that makes you sad(?) and broken? people wonder the shit out of this lmao and you don't give them a chance to understand it. you tend to zone out a lot during the day and your thoughts makes you go nuts. people just seem to curious about you. they don't know enough. the more you don't give them the chance the more they wonder. people feel that you have tons of other shit to do than answer their questions. they know they don't deserve to steal your time like that.

[rintoshis-archived]

Hiii if your requests are open also sorry if they arent you can just completely ignore this message cause u dont have a pinned yet

But can i request platonic friendship headcanons with bachira and isagi?

Thank you in advance

─ BACHIRA ⸜ ISAGI ꒰ა ໒꒱ AEAO

HI BAE !! yes yes and sorry i don't have enough time to make my pinned post but ill for sure make one! also this request was so cute ^^ i couldn't help but think about dynamicduo when i hear them together >< anyways enjoy! . *. ⋆ warnings; nothing really, cute moments with their silly little shenanigans, intentional lower capitals ✧. word count: 475, 366

you almost felt your eardrums burst from meguru's high-pitched scream he let out in your left ear. this car ride was hell, even if there were places worse than hell, it would be crushed in the backseat with isagi and bachira. you could feel your legs cramping from the lack of space isagi's manspreading on the right side. you were inevitably squashed in between them. it didn't help when you were sitting on the hard material of the seatbelt right on your ass.

meguru and isagi's moms offered to drive you three to the arcade because the mall they were going to was awfully close to it. ''gosh.. seeing meguru go out with his friends like this.. makes my heart soft.'' yu's eyes almost water as her hands trembled on the steering wheel. ''mom, don't cry please.'' meguru told his mom, almost feeling embarrassed as his figure only sank further in the seat. you knew bachira was a talented individual and you didn't quite understand what his mom had just said.

isagi looked like he knew this feeling all too well. ''there's nothing to be embarrassed about, meguru.'' isagi's mom butt in as she turned her head to look at the three of you fighting over even just a space to breathe easily in. ''i remember isagi also never been the social butterfly like his dad was. the friends he only ever took home were the soccer team.'' i let out a small laugh as i saw the neon-lit arcade from the road. ''here should be fine, thank you so much for- meguru!'' meguru had already opened the door and dashed inside the arcade.

isagi waited for you to finish your farewells and bid his mom a quick ''goodbye, mom'' too. bachira's mom rolled down the window to give us three a small wave and drove away. meguru looked like a ticking time bomb while looking at what was inside of the arcade. people were scattered everywhere and no space wasn't filled with rainbow blinding lights that only enticed bachira further.

your almost popped out of their sockets once they landed on the bright rainbow glowing sign on top of the building. you weren't the type to go around and hang out at places and waste away the time you could use to be more productive. but since meguru and isagi kindly invited you to hang out together outside bluelock. ''c'mon, y/n! it'll be fun, promise.'' bachira grabs you by your hand and drags you inside of the building to go explore. isagi follows behind and gives you a small smile of reassurance.

''yeah, it would be more worth it to spend all your time outside of bluelock having fun, right?'' you three spot a basketball game and a bumper car area. safe to say, you three almost got kicked out 6 times already.

ㄔ    ִ  alright now onto the headcanons c:

ㄔ    ִ  bachira definitely accidentally threw a basketball at a kid once.

ㄔ    ִ  isagi helped meguru climb the machine to keep shooting the ball inside the ring to get like 1000 tickets or something 💀💀

ㄔ    ִ  isagi knows every single hack to win every prize you wanted in claw games.

ㄔ    ִ  bachira fought a kid to get to play in one of the games; ''you've been in this seat for so long, kid!'' bachira whined while watching the kid stick out his tongue to him, but he bit back by sticking out his tongue back.

ㄔ    ִ  isagi is a boss at those coin pusher machines and always manages to waste every one of your coins but ends up making the whole tower fall

ㄔ    ִ  a worker at the arcane had to hold bachira back and when i tell you they had to HOLDDD him back, i say HOLDDDDD him back.

ㄔ    ִ  like it took them 3 workers to hold him back from knocking a kid out for ruining his win streak or something.

ㄔ    ִ  you and isagi for sure always team up for those zombie gun shooting games.

ㄔ    ִ  bachira would absolutely destroy those DDR machines. (the arrow dance machine where you step on them) like you and isagi had to pry him away from the machine to go check out other games cuz he's been there for like 43 minutes.

ㄔ    ִ  like i can just imagine bachira dancing to one of those hyper-pop songs on the ddr machine.

ㄔ    ִ  you and meguru literally almost broke the wack-a-mole machine cause meguru pulled a mole out of the hole.

ㄔ    ִ  isagi is the type of kid to eat all of the cotton candy.

ㄔ    ִ  bachira definitely climbed on isagi's back while he was rollerskating. the kids were giving them the stink eye while you were literally struggling to stand on your two left feet.

ㄔ    ִ  at the end of the day, you three got kicked out for wreaking havoc in the arcade.

ㄔ    ִ  (you three got banned from it for the rest of your life.)

‧₊˚ ⋅ fusaes 2023 do not copy - a/n: send in an ask to request this with any other duo you want from blue lock c:

[our-t4t-experience]

hi Evan! Big fan of what you do on your page. I very recently got a boyfriend who is also a trans man. Do you maybe have any tips on how I can make this relationship last more than a month? (Knowing my luck…)

-🦦(if I ask anything else)

there are some things that are in your control and some things that are out of them. its worth mentioning that if you have been abused before, its more likely that you will either perpetrate those behaviors, or on the flip side, allow people to perpetrate those behaviors against you

in my experience i have had a lot of unstable relationships where the instability wasnt necessarily caused by me (or me alone) as much as it was the other person being abusive to me and me letting it happen

so this advice IS coming from a place of "ive been abused," if this isnt applicable, my apologies

-communication is very important and remembering that people communicate in different (and sometimes incompatible) ways is also very important. you may be extremely direct and dating someone whos a little sensitive. you may want to de escalate an argument by being by yourself and they may want to talk about it. its important to be able to compromise sometimes and for them to compromise sometimes if your communication styles arent aligned. my girlfriend has to be very direct with me because shes learned that while we're both southern and she has learned to approach boundaries and conflict in a passive, sugar coating way, because im autistic, that approach doesnt work, for example

-how do you express love? how does your partner express love? its important to show your love in a way that is fulfilling to you, but its also important to show your love in a way that your partner receives it. ive heard mixed things about the "5 love languages" test but honestly i did the test and it was decently accurate and may be a good start, its also worth noting that neurodivergent people may also express love in different ways than the "norm"

-never stop dating your partner. yall like flowers? get each other flowers! go on cute dates! send each other memes that make you think of the other person! never stopping trying to impress your partner can make for a more fulfilling and exciting long term relationship

-time together, especially later in your relationship, is super important. distance can make the heart grow fonder (trust me, we're long distance lol) but you dont want to be away from them all the time. work and family obligations can make that hard, but having time to yourselves is important, me and caspian sleep together on the phone every night, and thats one of my favorite parts of the day

-specifically trans advice, but your trans partners transition should be a celebration. ive heard from one trans man that you should be responding to your loved ones transition like you would if someone was having a planned and wanted baby, and thats good advice. get excited! get funny with it! get romantic with it! my girlfriends excited for me to get top surgery and that makes me feel very good about my transition

(past this is longer term advice)

-i dont usually like those "3 weeks 3 months 1 year" rule stuff, but in my experience, you can usually tell if youre compatible with someone by 3 months. this is enough time for the "honeymoon phase" to chill out a bit and youre more receptive to their flaws. by some point you should be able to know if these flaws are a dealbreaker (unless youre like me and have a fawn instinct lol), and ive also found that i can tell when a relationship is unhealthy USUALLY by around 3 months, at least in my subconscious

-i knew i wanted to marry caspian by 6 months of us being together, and we're not getting married right now for a couple different reasons mostly boiling down to we're just not ready yet, but id recommend waiting 6 months before you start thinking seriously about a future with this person

-a rule ive had for a long time regarding marriage with anyone is that i want to have lived with them for a full year before we get engaged. i dont live with my girlfriend and wont until probably the end of this year (our 7 months os tomorrow!) but i have lived with a partner and have found that you can find out a lot about a person by living with them for an extended period of time

if i missed anything lmk, anyone else is also free to give advice in the comments (:

[decaydanceredacted]

that one fic you linked where pete holds the bartskull choker above bilvys head its actually like one of the most important fics in the world. to me. i heart pete wentz power dynamic with every decaydance pretty boy. to get signed to decaydance circa 2005-2006 you have to be willing to sacrifice your lyricist to the pw harem im sorry you cant escape it. thing is i think pete wentz WOULD just like sign these bands normally if he had to. he already has patrick he doesnt really need all of these boys as well . but theyre all just aching for it and he knows. peter pan but all the lost boys are just subby sad musicians. and they all just get on their knees as soon as he asks so its not like its really his fault for taking advantage of the opportunity.

but i am mostly just thinking abt bill and ryan rn . his two doe eyed boys… and with how tai took panic on their first international tour (iirc) i can just imagine in my head pw calling them to tell them how to get off together (theyre not allowed to cum if pete cant see or hear, obviously, because then whats the point?) theyre in panics bus, having Very Strongly suggested that everyone else leave them alone Oh And Also Dont Come Back In Till One Of Us Says. Yeah You Know Why. theyre already making out on the couch when pete calls, but they immediately stop touching once they answer, the need for instruction strong in both of them. pete immediately gets them back on each other, the wet sounds of their kissing starting to get him hard from across the ocean. they undress each other slowly at petes request, so he can hear each item of clothing individually. petes known bill for longer than hes known ryan, knows more of his buttons and how to press them, so this first time he makes ryan fuck bill. he makes a rule that the boys arent allowed to talk to each other when they do this, only ask pete what to do and how, so that they have to trust that pete knows what hes doing and how far they can go and its soooo worth it. he has to have his volume all the way up to be able to hear all the gasps and whimpers the boys let out as he directs them, but he doesnt mind. ryan quickly learns that bill loves having his hair pulled ('you can pull it real hard, ry, he likes it. thaaats right, good boy.') and his throat fucked ('dont worry about his voice, he needs this, hes even more desperate than you.') and bilvy learns that ryan needs pain any way it comes ('bite his thighs, bill. again, but harder. hear that? he loves it, such a slut.')

it feels like hours before ryans finally allowed to start stretching bill, bending him over the side of the couch. he's never really done this to anyone but himself before so he's constantly asking for more instructions, the phone resting by bills head. 'can i add another finger now, pete?' 'am i allowed to touch his dick while i do this, pete? please, i really want to, its so pretty.' 'does he need more lube?' 'can i fuck him yet? can he take it after only two?' bills quiet throughout, content in taking what hes given and not asking for more, but after a while he starts begging pete to let ryan fuck him too. 'please, pete, i really need it, please let him?? we'll be good, you know we will, pleeeease.' bingo, thats what pete was waiting for, he guesses, both of them begging and pleading like they need it more than theyve ever needed anything, because it doesn't take much more of that for him to finally, FINALLY give them permission. he tells bill that he has to be as loud as he can, because he needs to be able to hear his pretty boy over the sound of skin on skin, and he does as hes told. he probably scandalizes anyone within 10 feet of the bus with the sheer volume of his moans. its really hard for either of them to hear pete through the noise, but sometimes his voice will cut through it all, telling ryan to be rougher, to slap bills ass when hes quieting down too much, telling bill when to clench around ryans dick and to keep tell him how it feels. at one point he makes an offhand comment about how pretty his pets sound breeding each other and that gets ryan closer to the edge than he has been the entire afternoon, which is new to everyone. hes immediately asking pete if he can make bill cum and feels himself swell with pride when pete tells him what a good boy he is, wanting bilvy to get off first, such a gentleman. of course he can, theyve been so good. he jerks bill off fast and rough, like hes told, and bill cums all over his hand as soon as pete says he can. pete tells ryan to get bill to clean it up for him, and groans loudly when he hears the sound of bill sucking and moaning around ryans fingers as he does. ryan asks if he should pull out, but pete tells him no, 'bill can take it, look at him ry, he can take it, you can keep fucking him till youre done. cum whenever you want, ryan, you dont have to ask if you dont want, youve been so good.' he does ask, though, needs to be sure its okay, needs to know hes not breaking any secret rule he doesnt know about yet, and that alone nearly makes pete cream his jeans, but this isnt really about him no matter what he makes them believe, so he manages to hold off. pete tells him to cum as deep in bill as hes able, to make sure it takes of course, and ryan lets out the most pathetic noise hes ever made in his life as he does so.

i havent considered the logistics of how aftercare would work with pete involved but i dont think he would have either so bill and ryan would try figure it out on their own. theyre allowed to talk to eachother again, pete says so, but they dont, neither of them really having it in them. ryan helps bill get dressed and helps him brush any knots out of his hair and bill makes sure ryan has something cold for the marks on his neck and thighs before helping him to his bunk. pete repeats through the phone line that they both did so good, tells them how perfect they are and how much he cares about them, but eventually they hang up so they can try to sleep. theyre truly too lanky to cuddle up together in it, so bill steals the bunk above ryans (which he needs help getting into with how weak his legs are) and dangles his hand off the edge for ryan to hold while they both drift off. pete informs the others with a text that the bus is safe again, and when they wake up theyre in a different city. heart emoji blushing emoji. - sweat anon

.

[likelyfox]

Passionfruit

F!Reader x Jang Kyujin

summary: After you left JYP due to an injury in 2020, you were left on your own. Kyujin who was by your side slowly forgot about you…that was until one day 2022 when you got an unexpected invite.

wc: 4.3K

tags: fluff, friends to lovers, jealousy

ao3

What you taught was your dream quickly ended. You rarely talked about what you wanted to do in the future and that included talking to Kyujin about it. However when you and Kyujin both joined JYP you pretty much were sure that your life goal of being an idol will become real, and it sort of did. Yes the struggles of being a trainee were real and you did always double guess if being an idol was worth it.

It was something you wanted, but not always. Unfortunately your dreams were crushed after getting a major injury during 2020, you were devastated of course. Your best friend, Kyujin, did hope you would return but instead you didnt. You decided that it would be best that you just support Kyujin behind the screens.

When you heard that Kyujin would be debuting in a group (at that time JYPn) you were excited. You were the first person Kyujin texted to let you know about the news and of course you were excited!

When it did come to her and the groups debut you were even more excited, being there for their debut song ‘O.O’ release. Then if suddenly, she stopped contacting you. Maybe it was just because shes an idol and cant give you the time she could when she was a trainee. Yes, you were still supporting Kyujin but now more all members, however you still were wondering why she hasnt texted you. At the same time maybe it was because of the massive amount of hate they were getting which you never understood why that even happened. Its not if the hate affected the members, its that they indeed did.

As if somebody at JYP knew you suddenly received an invite to visit the members. You did suspect that it was a fake invite afterall, a massive and rich company invites you to meet the members? It just seemed impossible, nonetheless you visited them the next week.

Entering the building you showed them the letter and then you were sent to the practice room; “NMIXX Practice Room”

The person opened the door for you and saw only one person there. Maybe he accidentally led you to the, but no. It didnt seem like it.

“Hey?” You said trying to get the other persons attention

“Hey” It was Kyujin. You should have known. No one would invite you to meet NMIXX suddenly if it wasnt someone who knew you. That person was Kyujin.

“I should have known” You said

“I missed you” Kyujin said before hugging you “I really am sorry for-”

“Dont be sorry” You said “You are an idol i kinda knew”

“It doesnt make it right!” Kyujin said “I still-”

“So? Your career is more important that me.” You said

“You are-” Kyujin said

“Kyujin.” You said “Just…focus on your career, alright?”

“I will. I want to also spend time with you.” Kyujin said “I dont want our friendship to just end”

“I also dont” You said “Im not glad about not returning to JYP”

“Now?” Kyujin asked

“After i recovered from my injury” You answered

“You didnt want to though” Kyujin said

“I know i didnt” You said “Thats why i exactly regret it”

“Its fine.” Kyujin said “Im just glad you are still by my side, even if you arent a trainee or an idol im just…glad really. I couldnt be happier right now”

“Thank you” You said

“You should probably go” Kyujin whispered

“I should” You said “You arent-”

“See you soon” Kyujin said

Walking back home you couldnt forget how beautiful she looked. Yes, you always found her adorable and complimented her, today was something different. The next couple of months you did start to text her more and more often and she was also quick to respond too!

Whenever a comeback was announced you were quick to give her the support she needs. At the same time you were feeling sort of…guilty? You were supportive of Kyujin which you didnt mind, but only her, while you had the chance to always meet all of the members.

“Then lets meet them” Kyujin said before leading you out of the practice room

“Wait, now?” You asked

“Yes.” Kyujin said

“But-” You tried to say before she grabbed your arm and quickly led you out. You were sure that somebody will notice how you and her were holding hands, which to your surprise no one did!

The ride to the dorm wasnt really that long, either because you were lost in thoughts or the traffic was a lot less today. However when you did arrive at the dorm you were nervous, the members know about you, so it really shouldnt be this awkward but it is.

“Hello?” Kyujin said entering the dorm “Alright either they are asleep or-”

“Hey” Haewon said

“Oh hey” Kyujin said “This is-”

“Hey Y/n” Haewon greeted herself

“Hey” You said

“Kyujin told me about you” Haewon said

“Oh” You said

“Good things! Dont worry!” Haewon assured you

“Ah alright!” You said

“Anyway, lets go i will introduce you to others!” Haewon said before you followed her

Kyujin for some reason felt jealous, it wasnt because you already met Haewon and you were close to her, but it rather was because she seriously wanted you to be with her. Kyujin knows that its not because she has feelings, afterall you are her best friend it wouldnt make sense at all.

“Oh you are finally here” Lily said

“We waited for you!” Jiwoo said

“You did?” You asked

“Yes” Bae answered

“Well to be fair Kyujin talked about you for like a month straight, so we decided to suggest the idea of her inviting you” Haewon said

“Well that makes more sense” You said

“Hey wheres Kyujin by the way?” Haewon asked “She was with you, but didnt come with us in the living room”

“No idea” You said As if on cue, Kyujin walked in. The moment she walked in you knew something happened, but you didnt want to mention it.

“Oh hey” You said

“Sup” Kyujin said, still trying to be cheerful, however that didnt work when you knew why she isnt that happy.

“Can we talk?” Kyujin asked

“Yeah” You answered before following Kyujin out of the living room.

“Everything okay?” You asked

“No.” Kyujin answered “Why are you so close to her?”

“I cant be?” You asked “Are you jealous?”

“What?” Kyujin said

“Are you jealous?” You asked the same question again

“No, obviously not.” Kyujin answered

“Then, why are you wondering why im close to Haewon?” You asked

“I…dont know.” Kyujin said

“Then it shouldnt be a problem, should it?” You asked

“It shouldnt.” Kyujin answered

“Good.” You said before going back to the living room.

Of course you didnt really believe her, you knew she was jealous, she also knew she was jealous. It was really just a matter of time when Kyujin will admit it, but for now she wont.

The next couple of days were kinda annoying for Kyujin, she was always thinking about you. She knew she had to do something about it but didnt know what.

“You are in love, Kyujin.” Haewon said

“Im not” Kyujin said “Its just…i care for her.”

“Care for her? Sure. But i would say that you are in love” Haewon said

“I dont even like girls” Kyujin said

“Well…i guess if you are happy then i cant judge” Haewon said

Sure, maybe Kyujin was honest about her feelings and the reason why she feels the way she does is just because she truly does care for you. Afterall Kyujin texts you a ton and is always happy that you compliment her.

You should have seen what was coming but you didnt…

The members decided to invite you over to movie night and a sleepover, of course you did accept it. That should have been a huge sign. The whole night was really just Kyujin trying her hardest to not cuddle.

“I will go get something to drink” You said before going to the kitchen. While yes you did get something to drink at the same time you wanted to take your mind off Kyujin for a moment.

It wasnt that Kyujin was on your mind, it wasnt. It was more of why has she not cuddled to you.

“Y/n, everything alright?” Lily asked entering the kitchen

“Yeah, everything fine!” You said

“Doesnt seem like it” Lily said “You can tell me you know!”

“Its Kyujin” You said “She…well its complicated”

“Aw! are you in love with her?” Lily asked

“No” You answered “Im not in love i am wondering why she just doesnt admit that she invited me to cuddle with her all night”

“Well…she is shy” Lily said

“Shy?” You asked

“Yeah” Lily answered “Well shes shy around you”

“Thats…rare.” You said

You and Lily went back to see Kyujin now cuddled up to Jiwoo. You didnt really get jealous, afterall Jiwoo is cute too. After the movie ended everyone left except you and Kyujin. You didnt know if you should say anything but those worries soon came to an end.

“So…hows life?” Kyujin asked

“Just say it.” You said looking at only Kyujin now, thankfully it was dark so Kyujin didnt notice it.

“Say what?” Kyujin asked

“Come on, dont play dumb now.” You said “You were trying to cuddle with me all night”

“I-i didnt” Kyujin said

“Sure” You said

“Look if you want to me to…nevermind” Kyujin said

“Kiss you?” You asked

“What?” Kyujin said

“Answer.” You demanded

“yeah.” Kyujin admitted.

You leaned in hoping that she knew you werent joking, and she did. You connected the distance between you two in a soft but lovely kiss. Both of you didnt want this to end of course you didnt know, but Haewon was there looking at you two.

“Haewon is here” Kyujin whispered, loud enough for you to hear

“Then lets give her something to remember” You said before kissing her again, this time it ended quickly. “I love you” Kyujin said

“Yeah i know” You said

“Do you…want to be my girlfriend?” Kyujin asked

“Mhm” You said “Dont let anyone know.”

“Oh i wont” Kyujin said

In the end all of this was just a date for you two. Kyujin knew, the members knew but you didnt.

You couldnt be happier right now, Kyujin also couldnt. The next day waking up you had her in your arms, your relationship is still new so you forgot for a moment that shes your girlfriend, not best friend. Sleeping on the couch in the living room together with Kyujin was a bad idea, as anyone could walk.

When you woke up in the morning, you tried to look for your phone but gave up and checked Kyujin’s phone instead it was 7am. You tried your best to not look at her notifications, they were mostly from other social media and then, ‘NMIXX’. It makes sense that the girls have a groupchat, there werent many notifications, only Haewon mentioning something about you and Kyujin, however you didnt really pay attention.

You moving around did wake up Kyujin but not fully.

“Y/n…” Kyujin said, her morning voice was something you never heard even after all of the sleepovers, this was the first time.

“Yes?” You said trying to fight the urge to just kiss her.

“Lets sleep” Kyujin said

“Anything for you baby” You said before closing your eyes. You thought you would sleep for an hour, but instead you woke up and all you heard was somebody taking pictures, you thought that maybe it was Kyujin, maybe you were just hearing things but no. When you opened your eyes you saw Lily and Bae.

“Morning love birds” Bae said

“Morning” You said “How long-”

“Well we debated for 20 minutes so…” Lily said

“Right.” You said before getting out of bed

The members of course didnt know that both of you were dating, they just think you and her were sleeping together because Kyujin pressured you to sleep with her.

“So…care to break the news?” Haewon asked entering the kitchen

“What news?” Kyujin asked

“Last night? After everyone went to sleep.” Haewon said

“Oh that…” Kyujin said

“We cuddled talked about life” You said

“And kissed.” Haewon said

“We did not” You said

“It wasnt that dark” Haewon said “Admitting that you and her kissed wont do anything!”

“Oh and another thing” Haewon said before giving you your phone “You can call up your friend Ryujin to say that you got a girlfriend”

Haewon exited the kitchen, and left you and Kyujin in silence. You had no idea that your phone was with Haewon and that Ryujin texted you. “Will you call her?” Kyujin asked bringing you back to earth

“I um, yeah i will” You said before calling Ryujin

“Wait-” Kyujin said before Ryujin picked up

“Hey, morning. Where were you last night?” Ryujin asked

“Morning, with the members” You answered

“The members? You debuted?” Ryujin asked

“No, with the NMIXX members” You answered

“Ah alright” Ryujin said “I just was bored but…since you were with them then i wont even complain!”

“We can meet today” You said

“Sure” Ryujin said “Oh by the way, is there a member who knows you?”

“Yeah Kyujin!” You answered

“Oh thats nice” Ryujin said

“Yeah i was a trainee with her but then due to an injury i just didnt come back” You explained “We are still friends even if shes an idol”

“Oh” Ryujin said “Well it was nice talking to you!”

“Yeah you too” You said before she hang up You did see Kyujin sort of…being jealous.

“So…im your best friend.” Kyujin said

“No you arent.” You said

“Then why did you say that im still a friend?” Kyujin asked “Us kissing and me confessing was for nothing?”

“Kyujin-” You said

“Maybe i shouldnt have done all of that?” Kyujin asked

“Kyujin, you arent my friend. You are my girlfriend and you know it” You said “I just said that we are friends since im not ready to break the news to her or anyone for that matter”

Kyujin went silent, she could admit that she was just jealous that you didnt call her your girlfriend but she didnt want to do that.

“So?” You said “Any plans to respond?”

“I just…fine you are right.” Kyujin said “I hate to admit it but you are right.”

“Good” You said “Dont be sad that i called you my friend, you are my girlfriend but to others just a friend.”

“Hm…alright” Kyujin said

“Im surprised you that we havent cuddled all these years” You said

“Yeah me too” Kyujin said

The next couple of hours were you and Kyujin hanging out in the living room, you did try not to be obvious but that wasnt working when Kyujin was clearly cuddling with you.

“Hey, can you break the news?” Haewon said “I mean you and her are so cuddly tonight, which didnt happen last night.”

“What news?” Kyujin asked

“That you both are dating?” Haewon said

“We arent” Kyujin said “We are…friends with benefits!”

“Sure” Haewon said “I just hope that Kyujin wont accidentally slip and say that she has a girlfriend”

“Look, do you promise to not tell anyone?” You asked

“Yes.” Haewon answered “but if they figure it out, its not my problem.”

“We are dating.” You said

“Congrats!” Haewon said

You were sort of relieved that you broke the news to her. While yes, the others still dont know and shouldnt for a while there will come a time where both of you will have to break the news. You couldnt live in the dorm forever, so you decided to finally say your final goodbyes but before that you needed to break the news to others. Lily and Bae sort of knew so it wasnt that hard to admit. You and Kyujin invited both of to the living room, where Haewon was still there.

“So, why did you call us here?” Bae asked

“Did someone die?” Lily asked seeing Haewon not responding

“No one died” Kyujin said “Me and Y/n are dating”

“Oh, congrats!” Lily said

“For how long?” Bae asked

“Since last night” You responded

“I guess them cuddling this morning was a sign” Bae said to Lily

“Yeah…it really was” Lily said

“Well best of luck in the future!” Bae said

“Thank you” Kyujin said

Sullyoon and Jiwoo didnt notice the signs, but who could blame them! You also didnt notice that she planned to confess that night. Breaking the news to them was easier than expected.

“So?” Jiwoo asked

“Remember how i told you that i wanted to confess to Y/n?” Kyujin asked

“Yeah” Jiwoo responded “Oh my god! You are dating?”

“Yes.” Kyujin said “Me and her are dating!”

“Congrats! This is awesome!” Jiwoo said before hugging Kyujin

“Thank you” Kyujin said

“Did she take it good?” Jiwoo asked

“She wasnt surprised” Kyujin responded “I guess its just…the fact that i was kinda obvious with the whole movie date”

“Yeah you were, and you also got jealous-” Jiwoo teased her

“Shut up” Kyujin said

“Im joking” Jiwoo said

“I know” Kyujin said

Breaking news to Sullyoon was different, you called her down with the thought of breaking the news. However when she came down you were surprised.

“Hey” Sullyoon said

“Sup” You said

“Congrats first of all” Sullyoon said “Second of all tell me!”

“Did Bae tell you?” You asked

“Maybe” Sullyoon said

“I will take that as a yes” You said

“How did you confess?” Sullyoon asked

“Well i didnt confess Kyujin did, but i still knew” You said

“Actually after you went to the kitchen Kyujin became sort of sad…none of us pointed it out” Sullyoon said “She tried so hard to tell us that she isnt in love…but well. She was.”

“Yeah i get it” You said “But…im happy that we are dating!”

“Best of luck” Sullyoon said before hugging you

“Thanks” You said

Afterall breaking the news wasnt as difficult as you thought it would be. However after you went away, you knew Kyujin would get sad and miss you a ton.

“Hey Kyujin” Haewon said

“Hey” Kyujin responded quietly

“Everything alright?” Haewon asked

“No.” Kyujin said

“Look i know you miss your girlfriend, but that doesnt mean you have to be all sulky and sad” Haewon said

“I understand” Kyujin said “But i do miss her”

“We have a comeback coming up you have to get yourself together” Haewon said “You can see her after all the promotions, remember?”

“Yeah.” Kyujin said “You’re right”

“Good” Haewon said

Haewon was right, Kyujin couldnt be sad and miss you as they do have a comeback coming up. Instead Kyujin did what Haewon told her she tried to get you off her mind. Which somewhat worked as she did become happier.

As her birthday was coming up and you havent seen her and the members in almost 2 months you knew you had to do something.

“Her birthday is soon” Haewon said

“I know” You said “I have plans to surprise her”

“Aww” Haewon said

“Yeah yeah” You said “So…will you not tell anyone?”

“I wont.” Haewon said “You can always trust me, remember.”

“Thank you” You said

“Welcome” Haewon said before hanging up

With Kyujin���s birthday being in less than a week, you started thinking of ways to surprise her. You did think either backstage or at her dorm. In the end you decided that best would be in their dorms, and now that her birthday is today you woke up early in the morning to drive to their dorms.

You texted Haewon and to your surprise she was already waiting for you. Not wanting to waste anymore of her time you ended up going there quickly.

“Shes still sleeping” Haewon said “However she should be awake…in a couple of minutes.” You entered seeing everyone up and for good reasons, it was Kyujin’s birthday after all.

“Oh hey” Lily said

“Sup” You said

“Does she know?” Bae asked you

“Nope, i wanted to surprise her” You said “Thats why i sort of didnt tell you when exactly i will be here”

“Alright” Bae said

It didnt take long for Kyujin to finally come out of her room. The members were first to surprise her which makes sense. For some reason you couldnt help but feel proud? You arent part of them, you are there because of Kyujin. To spend time with her, and not anyone else…well sort of. The members are also special to you, they were the first to know everything about you and Kyujin. The members make you feel as if your dream never ended, just turned into you being their best friend and secret member.

“Y/n?” Kyujin said making you snap out of your thoughts.

“Hey” You said “Happy birthday!”

“Thank you” Kyujin couldnt help but smile, she hugged you trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes.

“You didnt tell me” Kyujin said

“I know” You said “I wanted this to be a surprise”

“Best gift” Kyujin said

“Speaking of gifts” You said before also looking at the members “I have a gift for you”

“You didnt have to-” Kyujin said before you gave her a necklace with your name on it.

“Y/n…” Kyujin said before crying. You rarely see her cry but when you do you cant feel as if you are the only thing in the world at that moment. The members were watching both of you but didnt say anything, you didnt know at the time but they were taking pictures of you two. You didnt really complain though.

“I love you” You said

“I love you too” Kyujin said “Were you planning this?”

“Yeah!” You said

“Oh wow” Kyujin said before crying again

“Why are you so emotional” You teased her trying to cheer her up

“I just, im in too much love” Kyujin said “I have fallen so deep in love!”

“Me too” You said

Meanwhile the members already quietly went away, they thought its better to leave you both to be than to be in the middle of all of it.

“Kyujin.” You said “You should go to your members”

“But i want to be with you” Kyujin said, looking up at you. You couldnt say no, her eyes were shining from the tears and in general she looked more beautiful right now. Was it because you havent seen her in two months or was it because she just genuinely looked more beautiful whatever it was you fell for it. You wondered to yourself how can a person who woke up minutes ago can look this beautiful?

“Has anyone told you how attractive you look?” You asked

“No…” Kyujin said

“Well you do” You said “How did i become your girlfriend?”

“Because you are beautiful, Y/n” Kyujin said “Have you heard that?”

“Nope but now i have” You said “I think we should-”

“I will call them” Kyujin said “But not before you give the birthday girl a kiss”

“Anything for you” You said before kissing her. You thought it would be a short and soft kiss instead, but Kyujin made it longer, but you arent complaining.

“Call the member, Kyu.” You said before she did so. She went to their dorms and called each other. The breakfast went fast however her birthday didnt end. Kyujin knew she can make you agree on anything today.

“Im thinking” Kyujin said “You should take me to your apartment”

“Seriously?” You asked

“Birthday girl is asking.” Kyujin said

“Yes.” You said, making her giggle a bit. The ride to your apartment was quite fast, you quickly got out of the car and led Kyujin in.

“Its nothing much really” You said following Kyujin

“I mean for one person this looks really comfy” Kyujin said “You still have this?” You and Kyujin always took pictures together, while not all of them were remembered as they were lost, you still had one. During your trainee days, the photo is the only thing you have.

“Yeah” You said “Honestly didnt really plan to still have it but yeah”

“Why not?” Kyujin asked

“Well…i thought i was gonna return back.” You responded

“Ah” Kyujin said “We should have another one!”

“I think-” You said

“Actually we will take one with all the members at the dorm!” Kyujin said

“Alright” You said Kyujin continued going through some of your stuff but you didnt really mind, shes your girlfriend after all. That was until she suddenly turned around to look at you.

“Hey?” You said

“Can i ask you something?” Kyujin asked

“Of course” You responded

“Why did you choose me to be your girlfriend?” Kyujin asked “There are a lot of other girls that you could have chosen, but why exactly me?”

“Well you are adorable, smart. You work hard and still find time to spend with me and be happy” You said

“Oh…thank you” Kyujin said “I just…thought you said yes because i was an idol…and you know”

“Are you kidding me? You are my best friend, i have known you since basically childhood” You said “Yes you are an idol to me too and i am a fan too…but i still love you for what you are”

“You made this my best birthday” Kyujin said before hugging you

“Im glad” You said

“Do you think if i revealed that you are my girlfriend to the world would-” Kyujin said

“Dont.” You said “We shouldnt.”

“I understand.” Kyujin said “I wont.”

“Good” You said before you kissed her the kiss ended quickly and Kyujin still needed to fulfill her promise.

“Lets drive back” Kyujin said

“Sure” You said

At the end of the day, you did get the picture with the members which you were really glad about as well as you hoped that Kyujin had the best birthday, yet and she of course did!

[manias-wordcount]

hiya! i really love your writing and i was wondering if you could do something about ramuda amemura w/ a s/o that lacks self worth/is struggling with mental health issues? they would be a lot like him as well, except they put on a lot of different sides for diff people/groups of people, and their true self is still unknown to them cause of the self manipulation, but theyre a rather soft hearted, kind, and insecure person in general. theyve had a long a rocky past, from being verbally/physically abused by parents, to being excluded at school. theyre also quite good at bottling up their emotions as well, so maybe the scene would start in the middle of a silent panic attack? (although he can tell cause mutual trust and dating for a while) if you arent comfy w/ this, i completely understand (its just a silly rq to help me cope im sorry dndbdjdnd), so please dont pressure yourself! ty for your time and have an amazing day/night!

Just Breathe (Ramuda Amemura x Reader)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗴𝗼!

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚!!! 𝗱𝗲𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗽𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗰 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗸. 𝘃𝗮𝗴𝘂𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹, 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮. 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

𝙗𝙪𝙮 𝙢𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚?

When you feel like you’re dying, you don’t like to be touched. 

  Even when you start to tremble. Even you feel find yourself silently slinking out of the room with your breaths running short and your eyes growing wide. Even as your heart beats and beats and  beats  against your chest as you look for a quiet place to hide away and exist. Even as your vision starts to blur with tears and you become dizzier and dizzier until the second you’re able to fall onto the ground. And  especially  when you start to grow scared. When you start to grow confused. When you start to  choke , you don’t like to be touched. You can’t be touched. You don’t  want  to be touched. You don’t want that to die. But you don’t want that to be the thing that kills you either.

  And yet…

  “Deep breath in…”

  …you still choose to let him in.

  “...deep breath out. And again. Here we go-”

  Most of the time, you could listen to Ramuda talk and hum and sing to you all day long. Oddly enough, this is one of those times. But as you sit on the hard pavement of a random back alleyway in Shibuya, tucked in between trashcans and forgotten pieces of junk, you find that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t focus. You just can’t  breathe . And you’re trying. You’re trying really, really, really,  really  hard to. You want to do what he says. You want to feel better. You don’t want to make him feel worried for you. But it’s  hard . It’s  hard,  and you hate it. You hate it, and you’re  scared . You’re scared, and you don’t want to  die.  

  It’s fear that boils up first in moments like these. Fear that hits you heavy and hits you hard as it overpowers all else in your mind overflowing so, so  much . Anger and Sadness fight to be tasted. Two strong flavors. Two strong emotions. They fight for who is next behind fear. They fight for who is more powerful. In the moment. For all time. But exhaustion? Exhaustion waits its turn. It has laid claim to the aftertaste. Soon it will lay claim to you. And right after? You know it won’t be death. You know it won’t be. 

  But it feels that way. 

  It feels like it’ll be something close to death. It feels like something worst than terror and nightmares itself. It feels that way so, so much right now. That you’re going to die in just a second. That you’re going to gasp on your last exhale. Choke on your inhale. Tears will be streaming down your face, but your body feels too warm, your heart beats too fast, and your body shakes too much, and you’ll  die.  Right here, and right now. With your hands in his. And his hands and yours. 

  You sob.

  “ Shh, shh…it’s okay,”  In an instant, Ramuda is shushing you. Your cries are quiet. You’ve learned to hide your tears well. You knew you would be punished if you did anything else. But that last cry cuts through the air like a knife. It pains you so. It squeezes at your throat with the stress. It squeezes at your heart with the fear. And then before you know it, it swallows up your everything in silence once more. To hide your emotions. To cover up your fears. And to do so much more. “We’ll get through this. We have each other. So breathe with me, okay?”

  You want to. You want to tell him that too. You want to tell him how you want nothing more but to breathe out the same air he fills his lungs with. You want to tell him how you want to follow his every order- his every direction- because you know much he cares for you. You want to.

  But a quiet sob mixed in between a deep inhale is all you can muster. A pitiful sound. Nothing short of a mere hiccup as your lips try to move. They try to make a sound. And when it doesn’t work out the first time, they try again. And again. And again. And again until all they can do is part in desperation to let out another cry. 

  Somehow your abusers of times past have claimed your tongue as their own. 

They’ve silenced you. They’ve silenced you and they’re not even here. They’ve silenced you and they haven’t paid for it yet. For your pain. For your suffering. For their sins. For their transgressions.

  You deserve better than this. You deserve more than this.  Words so easy to say. Words so hard to  mean . You can’t convince yourself of that message. You can’t promise yourself that you weren’t meant to be hurt. But that’s the thing. You don’t want to hurt. You don’t want to die. You don’t want this to be the end. You don’t want to choke. You don’t want to cry. You want to breathe. You want to smile. You want peace, not suffering. You want laughter, not anger. Your happiness, not sadness. But most of all?

  “Another deep breath in. We’ll be okay. I promise we’ll be okay.” 

  You hold your hands in his. He holds your hands in yours. You want him instead. 

  “I’ll do my best to protect you, I swear. So just breathe with me, alright?”

  You want him instead.

   It takes a couple of seconds, but you manage to nod your head, and you can almost  feel  the encouraging smile he offers you in exchange. Somewhere in the blurry mess of your vision, you’re able to see one of the only people to ever matter in your life. He speaks to you gently in this moment. He teaches you how to breathe in the same voice he sings to you in. You still feel like you’re dying. But the feeling is starting to ebb and flow with each word he says. With each breath he takes. Sometimes it’s there. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you’re afraid. Sometimes you’re not. Sometimes you’re happy. Sometimes angry. Sometimes you’re sad. Sometimes you’re a whole lot of things.

  But for now, you’re doing your best to breathe while Ramuda is doing his best to talk you down from the same bridge to hell that you’ve found him traversing on as often as you do. You’re still a lot of things right now. He’s still a lot of things too. But for now, you'll hold your hands in his. And he’ll hold your hands in yours. You have a long way to go to escape all of your pain. A long, long, long way. But if heaven is a place on earth for the two of you to witness?  Well…

  “Just breathe.”

  …you hope he sings you a song as the two of you drag each other along. 

  You hope more than anything. 

[liyahaffirmed]

UPDATE.’

i havent been active at all in the past week, and heres why!

(life update, future posts, success stories, new love 👀, & why everything is going good for me right now)

so basically ive just been feeling really drained and out of energy lately.

but! my mother ordered me a shein haul (which i manifested 🤭, success story post coming soon!) my gma took me on a shopping spree and bought me some clothes toooo, im getting a room makeover from my mommy, dad is giving me some money, my best friend did my hair for free (i did hers too!), I got a check for $100 for a program i did durring the school year (no warning or anything! didnt even know they gave out checks for the program! success story coming soon on that too + a method!) Im getting my hair done tommorow, nails done this week, and im going out for half of the week for my best friends birthday. my skin has also been clearing up after suffering a baddd breakout with really painful bumps!

why?

subliminals, writing out my affirmations and desires and then simply LEAVING THEM ALONE. i wrote down all of my desires & i affirmed for three days straight, “i have all of my desires, my life is exactly like my script.” and then, i stopped thinking about it. I just listened to subliminals in my sleep, i started the playlist with an asmr video to put me to sleep, then have my subliminals lined up in order of most important to me to least important. then i just…went to sleep 🤷🏾‍♀️.

i think what others do is hyperfocus on their manifestations, desires, and affirmations too much when that isnt the method that serves and fulfills them. sometimes you just have to make clear what your desires are and that you have them, and then simlpy let them clear from your mind and let your subconscious handle it from there. All ive been doing for the past few days is writing down my desires or what i want to happen, leaving it alone and letting it fade from my mind, and boom, instantly, they just happen!!

new love 👀?

so, like 5 months ago i had mapped out the “perfect guy for me.” Tall, dreadhead, sweetheart, treats me right, etc etc. the list was titled something like “my ideal boy” and it had EVERY SINGLE trait i wanted in a guy. now, for the last two months i was focusing on my old sp (we’ll call him “jake”) he’s toxic, doesnt talk to me unless i talk to him, doesnt be on the phone with me unless i call him, and said he “doesnt want me around.” so after i did all that hyperfocusing on trying to change him, i gave up, i didnt truly believe that he would change. and i didnt feel like he was worth even manifesting anymore.

so i texted my sister (not by blood) about it, telling her that i was officially #cooloffjake and that i was tired of the way he was treating me, that he didnt care about me, and that i was done with him. that SAME DAY, i was on ft with my sister when all of a sudden she asks if she can put me on with her brother (not by blood) so i talk with her more and more about him, and she added him to the call so she could better explain the situation im in.

as of right not, i, not allowed to date until im 16, he knows that and has agreed that he would 100% stay loyal to me even though we arent together right now! he understands my predicament completely and said has no problem waiting till i turn 16 to be in a real relationship with me 🤭. hes so sweet, he texts me all the time and calls me cute nicknames, and hes a total loverboy. he just makes me so happy 🤗.

whats funny is that i wrote that list and forgot about it after a week! i dont even know where it IS anymore. but this just goes to show that when you let go of things that do not serve you, the universe will send you something (or rather someone) who does 💞.

have a lovely day my (idk what you guys want me to call yall 😓)

- liyah 💖

[sophieinwonderland]

circ is such 4 hypocrite. they cl4im to be pro endo 4nd then keep being friends with bigots (they're besties with J4S 4nd other people who've h4r4ssed you so its not surprising). even more recently they c4me out 4nd reve4led themselves to be one of the mods of the 4nti endo 4nd bigoted sysbox tumblr blog 4nd its so fucking dis4ppointed. i never re4lly liked them bec4use of how much they h4r4ss tulp4s but their recent post on th4t blog is such 4 new low. THEY H4VE SUCH PICK ME ENERGY. they're liter4lly joking 4bout being better 4nd more 'civil' th4n most pro endos 4nd endos (you know the people they SUPPOSEDLY support so much), which re-enforces stereotypes 4bout endo systems. they literally do not give 4 shit 4bout us or our rights 4nd i wish more plur4l collectives fucking stopped supporting them just bec4use they make 're4lly nice and friendly sysmed cdd system' their whole br4nd. they're like those people who 4spire to be 4 model minority. they dont c4re. they h4ve never c4red. they only c4re about their own 4cceptance and getting popul4rity but dont c4re 4bout the rest of the community. im so 4ngry. my littles who used to find their blog comforting 4re fucking he4rtbroken. i knew they were shit but im so 4ngry 4t myself for not being 4ble to protect my system. im so 4ngry on beh4lf of my system and on beh4lf of the whole plur4l community. we deserve better

https://www.tumblr.com/sysboxes/745040882164760576/which-mod-is-circular-bircular-arent-they-pro?source=share

i hope this is ok4y to send. im just re4lly angry and your blog h4s 4lw4ys been 4 s4fe sp4ce for us. th4nk you for everything you do btw. despite the h4te, you 4lw4ys keep posting 4nd fighting for our rights. my system 4dmires you [ ^-^] <3

I'm sorry you feel hurt and betrayed.

It's terrible to put your trust in someone and find out they aren't who you thought they were. But for what it's worth, I don't think you let your system down.

Life is about making mistakes and learning. You can't refuse to trust anyone just because you get burned in the past. Maybe it hurts now, but I don't think any lasting damage was done.

Personally, learning this... I find myself largely indifferent. I'm not at all surprised at this, knowing them. They've modded anti-endo discord servers, so why not an anti-endo sysbox blog?

My own feelings on Circ are complicated. I do not consider Circ safe for endogenic systems given their reblogs and support of anti-endos, and frequent parroting of anti-endo talking points.

At the same time, I actually do think their presence in anti-endo spaces has been a net positive for our goals in those communities. Circ has bragged a few times about making their anti-endo friends more pro-endo. And while I wouldn't say those friends became allies to the pro-endo community, many did switch to more neutral stances which I do think helped reduce hate against endogenic and pro endo systems in those spaces, and that seems like a good thing for me.

So I guess, while I don't care much for Circ as a person due to history there, I can acknowledge that their influence in anti-endo spaces ultimately serves my goals.

Besides, it's really upsetting some anti-endos so that's fun to watch! 😁

And you know, they have a point.

Like, if I was following a pro-endo blog and learned that one of the mods was anti-endo... and an anti-endo who bragged about making pro-endos more anti-leaning, I would be very suspicious of not just that one anti-endo but all the mods on that blog they were friends with.

How can you trust that your anti-endo sysbox mods haven't already been converted to the other side and aren't just lying to you about their syscourse stance???

Now you might think I'm just intentionally trying to spread mistrust and division among anti-endos by saying this... get them to turn on each other and tear themselves apart from the inside. And you'd be absolutely right! But that doesn't mean I'm wrong, and it doesn't mean me stating my motives aloud will make it any less likely to work!

And I would even like to say that I do appreciate the mod team on that blog being able to look past an alleged pro-endo's syscourse stance. Even if it's only for this one kind-of-hypocritical exception since they still refuse to interact with any other pro-endos.

Yes, I SophieInWonderland, endogenic tulpa, support sysboxes for having a pro-endo-identifying mod!

And since antiendovents crossposted in the inclusive plural tag, this is going straight into the anti-endo tags so the entire anti-endo community can see me expressing this support that I'm sure won't create any waves at all. 😈

[burntoutangel]

MECHANICAL SEX DRIVES

LEFT HAND AMMO AT 20% SHIELDS AT 10% ASSISTED AUGMENT SYSTEM RECOMMENDING IMMEDIATE RETURN TO BASE MISSION AT ACCEPTABLE LEVELS PILOT I AM BEGGING YOU TO TURN BAC-

Shut down the warning signs, disconnect the jack in your cranial nerves that lets the onboard AI inject suggestions tactics and orders from base command directly into you brain 

You dont need them now   

10-15 enemy units are closing in on your radar, 100 feet, 90 feet, tanks with jet engines jammed into them to allow increased maneuvers and speed. 500 feet shows an enemy mech, the one you’re chasing. So close now, just a little more

40 feet

20 feet

Enemy within range 

You slam yourself through the concrete walls of the civilian residence you hid behind, the trinkets and purchases of someones life atomized in a second, a careful move to throw off the lesser visibility of the tanks

The first two are crushed under a mix of rubble and reinforced steel beams, wires from the buildings power systems sparking and igniting fuel leaks. You’re already gone and grabbing tank 4 as a club, its rotors squealing in open air as you crush it on top of tank 5, crushing them underfoot for good measure, neural links sending the details of a fleshy squish under your metal boots

3 units that had the misfortune of jetting behind you are torched in your boosters, jets of black smoke from the meat inside being cooked within seconds, they weren’t expecting a mech of this class, metal boxes with guns strapped on top are barely above the lowest rank of the food chain of combat

You arent sure if you’re the apex of that system, but you’re damn close 

The radar blip of the other pilot starts moving and you kick the violence into overdrive to make sure you’re ready and unbothered for her arrival, tanks 6-9 shatter and melt under you remaining left weapon ammo, not worth the waste of time for a proper violent death

She’s so close now

A few of the remaining tanks and what looks like two support flyers have joined her, jetting along in her wake like parasite fish, using her cone of violence to protect them from you. Gnats. Annoying insects that get in the way

You can see her through the optical systems now. Shining armor muddied and covered in scrap and imbedded shells and oil. The jagged mark of you shoulder mounted rail guns shot accents the beauty of her machine, a hole bitten through her abdominal armor, dripping oil and coolant and countless other substances that come together to make the death-angel before you.

Your fluids will mix soon. One way or another.

“YOU PSYCHO WHORE YOU DENTED MY SHELL” comes through her mechs speakers in a flurry of anger. Right shoulder lancer raised, charging, adjust two notches down, FIRE. That takes care of her speakers. We don’t need voices right now. 

She cuts boosters and doesn’t even bother counter boosting, simply stopping her furious momentum by crushing another apartment block, hands dragging deep gauges in the remaining landscape 

The remaining tanks are hit by your last 6 railgun shots, smoking craters burned into the ground as the flyers pepper small arms along your visors, blinding flashes as 7.62 shots ring against the sensors and antenna.

Out of nowhere her hand swats one out of the air, surprising even you Into stopping for a moment. Flyer 1 clips 2 as it sails through the sky, propelled by metal claws larger than its entire frame. Both create a cascade of sparks and light as missiles flares and fuel ignite midair. An incoming message from the last enemy in front of you flashes on your side monitor.

“FINE, WE’LL DO THIS THE HARD WAY”. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her heat knife eats through the plating of your left shoulder, jutting close to the collarbone before the blade snaps in your armor and imbeds itself to you. The pain is unimaginable, burning through the pilots nervous system as it screams loud enough to crack its own jaw slightly. The retaliation is immediate, a final spare railgun round rammed through your enemies leg, blowing her mechanical kneecap out, the arching head of her mech mimicking the agony her flesh-body is probably going through, metal jaw ripping open and spiked forehead crashing into your own as the final bit of shielding for both your bodies gives way with an ear popping CRACK and a smell of ozone and desperation. A fist that costs as much or more as this entire city unit crashes into your stomach, flesh body vomiting up a mix of pre mission meds and nutrient slurry as your nervous system tries to understand feeling pain without apparent source 

Your left leg boosts itself up at uncanny speeds, remaining boosters jetting it into her center mass, where a solar plexus would be if we were flesh and blood, her visor is cracking and you can feel the anger radiating off her core. Either that or a power system on the verge of collapse. Same difference. At the same time warning signs flash across your eyes, power running low, generator damage at near critical levels, heat rising to unacceptable perimeters, pilot neural-link and information stress at 88% and rising

Both of your bodies collapse, her failing knee dragging her down as metal screams under stress, her hands clawing you down with her, falling flat on your back, adjustment boosters spluttering as they fail to adjust the sudden horizontal nature of your body. Command is screaming at you over whats left of the comm system, and from the shivers of her body she’s hearing the same message, something about “reactor meltdowns taking out an entire populated area” and “blatant waste of company resources”.  The wires remaining in your brain make a pop as you rip them from sore and bleeding ports, last message being broadcast on a private mech to mech channel

“See you back at base baby, thanks for the good time <3”

[bapouro]

If you have the time and if it’d be fun at all, can you talk about how going to school for art is/was? Like what was bad about it but what did it make you realize about why you create? What was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? I’m just curious because I really only got into art after college age.

Hi

ive finally handed in my final project ever last friday and after somewhat recovering i can now answer u. (ill put an aside here that before i started uni, i saw a lot of the online umming and awing about art school and it being a scam etc that made me nervous going into it. i dont really think it has been for me but keep in mind im doing this in the uk. i think if i was in the usa or somewhere where it was that expensive i think youd get just about as many benefits going to somewhere like a community college instead. its worth a bit of money but not a lot of money.)

i realised while turning over your questions in my head last week how much doing my degree (illustration undergrad) during covid lockdown, illustrated (haha) the point art school had for me. and the point being that after trying to stick it out for the first few terms during lockdown, i deferred, i didnt really see the point i had already spent my entire life making art in my bedroom online for free, without somebody telling me what to do. practically what that degree offered me was physical facilities and resources, but really what i wanted it for was that vague miasma of drive and something bigger than myself to physically 'prove' myself to. i was and still am very interested in that gap between the online environment i learnt art within that felt a world away from my 'real life', and coming to meet with that 'real life' was kind of my goal. i needed both to meet on a very basic level for my quality of life. and id say i succeeded. twice now somebody i was originally mutuals with online turned out to be in my class. i live with one of them now. and i feel some pride now looking back on how much i felt like i had to separate my 'school' art and my 'personal' art during secondary school and now theyre practically one and the same. in fact one piece of advice ive kept with me from the uni tutors here is they consistently wish the students wouldnt 'hold back' so much on the kind of work they make: one of my friends, the one i now live with, was doing a tasteful furry pinup statue for a project and one of the tutors essentially asked them why the statue was being so sexually subtle with it, for example.

so what was bad about it! man... thinking about it the same reason i gave for why i came back after lockdown could also point out how flippant the reasoning was. its still a lot of time and effort let alone money to be putting into something that you dont Need an institution for. and art and academia, as much as you might try, arent going to be as neatly married as maybe STEM and academia. not that there isnt a place for it. we need it in there. but basically your work still has to get 'graded' on things so they can prove themselves as an institution so they can still get money to run. i ''apreciated'' the deadline part, for what it was, because i was(/am) a serial put-er off-er and i knew i needed something big to try and train me out of it. but the actual mark scheme and trying to work off of it is never not going to be nebulous. what the hell does it mean to 'demonstrate my awareness of the changing landscape of contemporary illustration' graded between 0 - 100 via a 3d animation. ive done pretty well. sometimes id get top marks. a couple times i wouldnt even pass and id have to do it again. the only pattern i could really see between what got those marks for me and what didnt was effort? so take with that what you will.

yea that being said, what it helped me realise why i create... i am thankful my particular course at my particular uni is so into their experimentation / medium diversity. because it proved to me again that experimenting is something i love to do. i could keep doing it forever maybe. but that also made me realise after trying to do that project after project that its only one part of the enjoyment. i couldnt sink my teeth in as much as i wanted. part of why im glad to leave is im glad to try and focus on just a few things now. take a project at my pace... reeeally get way too into it. hopefully.

what was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? mm.. i think getting to see a lot of the behind the scenes and the people actually doing illustration as a job kind of softened my glare on some art styles / ways of working i dislike. not that i Like them now but that kind of flat illustrator thing.. for some people it really is more of a job than anything else. i think thats fine. theres all kinds of other art to enjoy outside of their 9-5. i just hope they like it too. but of course it does set a precedent for what clients expect/what you feel like you should be making..? oh also i did actually end up really enjoying the couple of art essays we needed to write. reading cultural/art/etc pdf essays was something i already liked to do like reading baudrillard and ellen dissanayake and things but it was great to actually get to apply it in writing. and i think it certainly became more digestible to realise that these kinds of writers and this kind of writing wasnt some hard to penerate academia i couldnt be a part of really but turned out to be writing about things that already applied to life, whether i went to uni or not. really the whole experience... for me i felt like it was just something i needed to do. if anything just to get away from my family and make my own life. im glad i did it. but really art is art no matter where you find it. uni gave me a push to go further, i could sit around and say i couldve done it without uni but i think we overestimate ourselves. i think i couldve but i bet it wouldve taken longer and i may have experimented less, challenged myself less. who knows. just dont ever let something like that put you off art, it will always find you again eventually. im glad you got into it too.

[kamari3]

Another Vent Post

(typed this on my phone)

I just saw someone else on twitter say what I wanted to say so I'm gonna say it too.

It really makes me uncomfortable when people say "i'm not proship but i'm not anti: i'm normal." Because what I internalize from that is that you aren't willing to stand in solidarity with me.

At best, it means you dont have the energy or time to engage in activism and you want to curate you experience to avoid as much drama/conflict as possibe. i get that. the way you said it made me feel unsafe, and if i were a little less wise i would immediately interpret the statement as you saying you also want to hurt me, but i get it.

you dont have to get into fights you dont want to. you have every right to curate your experience no matter what side of the issue you fall on, and i will support you doing so 100%. no exceptions. no matter how upset i get, this fact does not change.

But you saying that could also mean you do also want me dead and just dont have the time or energy to shoot me yourself.

Yes, I get that it's cringe to have convictions about internet things. but this isnt dying on a hill about how fuckable you think hatsune miku is. this is about whether or not you are willing to support your community.

and whether you like it or not, the internet is also a community you are taking part of. you are literally here.

Like. Bro.

What do you even mean by "i'm not proship or anti, the whole thing is stupid"?

Do you mean it's stupid to have an opinion about how you treat other people?

Do you mean it is stupid to have an opinion about freedom of speech and censorship?

Are you trying to make me ashamed for caring about a political issue just because it most prominently affects online communities, and the farther reaching implications and impacts on these stances aren't obvious and dont use the same jargon?

(surely you know that the proship/anti issue runs parallel to the democrat/republican issue, and the anti-authoritarian/authoritarian issue. surely you know it also runs parallel with the queer/bigotry issue, since it uses all the same arguments and rhetoric. and the sex-work/puritanical issue. and the trans/transphobia issue. surely you understand that just because these political stances have nuances, differences of purpose and circumstance and vocabulary, doesnt mean they arent interconnected. they all still have threads of commonality and logic that interconnect them in parody and parallel. surely you get that the underlying root problem is a difference of ethics thats permeates nearly every polar difference of opinion and that talking about one leads to talking about all of them. surely you understand that these are nearly the same words in different languages and cultures-)

Do you actually mean, "i also think all you nasty proshippers are morally bankrupt and i hope you all die, but i dont have the energy to be a political activist so i will just let the ones that do rip you apart while i watch?"

Do you mean, "i also think that thought policing is wrong and that we shouldn't be judged for or treated badly for our fantasy/fiction indulgences, but i just dont think that it is worth getting into a fight over, and therefor i will not help you when other people harass and abuse you over fiction?"

i understand the idea of wanting to curate which labels you identify yourself with. you dont have to use the labels of proship or anti if those arent for you. but declaring the argument stupid or that anyone who has strong stances on it "needs to touch grass" only does harm. you arent making it clear whose side you are on. and while it sucks that there are sides to pick in the first place, that doesnt change that the sides are there and the fence is up.

and i'm not sorry to say that i trust someone who picks the side of the fence that wants to protect my person and my agency and my freedoms a lot more than someone who thinks me arguing my right to those is stupid.

idk maybe it IS terminally online to think controlling other people's fiction and personal life choices is bad. maybe it IS terminally online to say queers deserve to enjoy their media and representation too. maybe it IS terminally online to say "hey, maybe we shouldnt tell people their intrusive thoughts make them bad people". maybe it IS terminally online to say adults deserve the agency to be able to consent to whatever sex they want with other consenting adults, and that includes fictional sex acts they read, write, draw, and look at drawings of (wherein the artist consented to share the work, and the consumer has the agency to choose whether they view it or not, and change that at any time).

i dont think it is. but i'm just one person who has loud annoying opinions.

[lvxybby]

it kills me to love you (kai anderson x reader) (part 6?)

WHAT! "kai- what! i cant be a mother! not now! i still have things i want to do first!" i said shocked. he looked up at me, his brown eyes looked right at me, like he was...begging? "i'll be there for you...we can do all those things you want to do together" he said sitting up. "kai...i...i dont want my son or daughter to be a messiah!...i wont let that happen..." i said standing up. "why not? our genes together will be so powerful...and i know you would be a great mother....to create my spawn...raise it together...and finally rule everyone....dominate the world together" he said also getting up. he moved closer to me, he placed his hands on the side of my face. "kai...i would love to...but i dont want a messiah and im not ready to be a mother...." i said looking at him. his hands were so large and cupped my face perfectly. his eyes pierced through me. "ok...when will you be?" he asked. "i dont know..maybe....35? around there...i dont know if i even want kids...sleepless night...so much money to spend on them...they're so fucking loud...i cant do it" i said putting my hands on his. "i dont even know....if both of us would be good parents...we arent together...were really busy with going places across town half the time...and...while im pregnant i cant do anything for the cult" i continued. "we can fix that...we wont go far at all...i'll make someone else do your tasks..." he said before continuing "and i never said i dont wanna be with you...i'd love too be with you forever...your smart...hard working....so beautiful" he said moving a strand of hair out my face. his voice was quiet and soft, not the usual loud stressed kai. no he looked like the old kai. the quiet, sweet kai who never wanted to hurt anyone. that kai. he moved in closer to me, our lips barely apart. "really?" i whispered. "yeah...i do...you're so perfect" he said before pressing our lips together. the kiss was loving and passionate. he moved closer to me, if that was possible. i wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed deeper into the kiss. his hands caressed my curves. the kiss felt amazing, it wasnt full of lust, no it was love. it was like my chained feelings were finally free. and kai...he seemed so calm for once. the calmest ive seen him in a long time. we pulled away from each other, a string of spit keeping us connected. kai stared into my eyes, his cheeks were flush, matching mine. he leaned back in but i backed up. "im sorry kai...but i cant...not now" i said. his face turned to confusion. "why not?" he said furrowing his brows. "im afraid...it'll be too much on you...plus you have meadow..." i said fiddling with my hands. his face grew a bit annoyed "dont worry about me ok. and fuck meadow ok? fuck her...shes...dont worry about it" he said with a slight attitude. "what did you do to her?" i asked a slight bit concerned. "what the hell did i just say? dont worry about her" he said. i didnt mean to annoy him...im just super concerned for him. i feel if we were to start dating, he'd either put too much attention into me or completely leave me alone so he could focus on the cult. im scared for his mentality. it wont work well if we dated. i love him though. is it worth a shot?