#they are not friends. profoundly. and then the absolute insanity of no one pointing out the wild politics of joining up w the former regent

[potatoesandsunshine]

"hawke's warden friend" is the most insane way to describe loghain mac tir they've ever come up with

[butchbenrey]

"the science team is all one big happy family post-canon" is cute and all but it's overrated. let's talk about gordie's crushing fear of being alone from her ptsd in the aftermath of all of it.

everything in her fucking life got morphed and changed into something she can no longer recognize, so she feels like she needs to cling on to the science team for some sense of normalcy, some sense of familiarity. who could she even begin to relate to but them? who else went through anything similar to what she did? who else could she talk to about all of it without sounding insane? they provide some feeling of being heard but of course, they could never understand exactly what she went through. nobody else got their arm cut off, in fact, two of them were the ones who did that to her in the first place. she thinks it helps to be around them, she thinks it's some weird kind of exposure therapy and that the discomfort she feels around them will go away if she just keeps ignoring it, but it doesn't.

she wants it to go away, not just so that she'll have friends she can talk to, and a feeling of having conquered it together and making it out the other side (like she assumes these sorts of things are supposed to go), but also because she's wracked with guilt. she feels so deeply and unalterably guilty for all of it— she was the one who caused the resonance cascade, after all, and she was the de-facto leader of the group, so she feels responsible for all of it. she can recognize that she was treated unfairly at certain points (like, y'know, the whole forced amputation thing), but in retrospect she feels like she had it coming, like it was her responsibility to foresee those events and stop them before they happened. sure, nearly all of them attacked her at some point, but they were all under stress too, it was understandable. if you really think about it, bubby and benrey were right to cut off her arm, i mean, they were scared! <- (gordie inner monologue). so if she left them after all of it, that would make her a horrible, awful, cruel person, in her own eyes. so she has to go to all the stupid little outings and parties, she has to excuse herself to have meltdowns... she has to look in the eyes of the people who hurt her so profoundly and she has to sit through the flashbacks and the emotional turmoil because if she doesn't, she'd be worse than them, in her trauma-addled brain.

it feels like atonement, to her. necessary atonement for the shit she thinks was entirely her own fault. and if she ever feels the nagging desire to cut them off, a voice reminds her that she'll forever be known as some cruel son of a bitch who almost ended the world and then abandoned the people who carried her through it. and then she'll be alone. because who would want to be friends with someone so spiteful and miserable.

in my heart of hearts i do believe one day she comes to her senses and realizes she does not have to be friends with that random old man and the guy who tried to kill her and that she will become more outwardly friendly and positive with hard work and therapy. but please imagine the absolute state of this poor girl in the meantime with me

[lindszeppelin]

I’ve been thinking about how A got himself into this mess (I also don’t believe in infantilizing him like he had no choices) and the simple truth is that it’s possible at any age at any point to make a mistake in judgment — especially in times of stress, grief, drastic change, etc.

All of those factors and more were in play when he entered this situationship (absolutely love that term) and it probably made sense at the time or the pitfalls just weren’t so clear.

I myself just made a similar (but much less consequential) mistake in judgment and I’m in my mid-50s and know myself and my needs inside and out.

But I recently agreed to travel with a friend while I was distracted by grief and in deep pain. The idea of getting away and seeing some beautiful scenery was appealing — and smart even. But I wasn’t in a mental place to be involved in planning the details and — as we know — the devil is in the details.

So I am currently on this trip and I’m really enjoying so much of it — but my friend is driving me kind of insane. I really love her and we are quite close for many, many years but have never traveled together. And I am profoundly regretting certain aspects of this but I genuinely can’t leave because I’m dependent upon a flight home on Monday! She thinks we’re the perfect travel companions and I feel totally different.

Now… I’m really perfectly fine… I’m even having fun… but I wish I had done this differently. And this is just a week with a person I have known and trusted for years who means well and it’s really just some mild incompatibility.

Anyway, my point is, I chose this and I made a mistake in HOW I chose it because I wasn’t mentally present to truly evaluate the potential downsides. Had I been I could have negotiated the trip differently and I wouldn’t be so uncomfortable or irritated.

Perhaps you can appreciate the parallel Im drawing here. 😉

My darling MJ this is one of the many reasons why I love you.

December 2021 was when according to the story was when K and A first met. He had just finished Elvis - a movie that when finished sent him to the hospital and gave him an identity crisis for a long time, he was still kind of freshly off of the breakup train with V and hadn't had too much downtime to process all of his feelings and what it would be like when he went back home to the states, he was in London filming a MOTA, he hadn't spoken to his family in 3 years. The man was by all accounts a wreck mentally. He was trying to figure himself out after this whirlwind. His career was about to take off in a way it hadn't before, and that means newfound fame he never experienced before. And then boom, he get's paired with Kaia. No need for Austin to talk about his breakup with V when he has K on the red carpets and doing pap walks together all over the globe.

Austin is ever evolving and ever changing. It is a myth that when you reach 30 you have your life figured out - or according to society you should. Nobody gives us a rulebook for how to live life. We do the best we can at the current time, with the tools we have current at our disposal. And Austin made the choice to be in this situationship at the time with all of these stipulations. Now that time has passed, the tides are turning.

But he had a poor lapse in judgement. And I do not blame him whatsoever. We all make mistakes when we aren't normally in our right frame of mind. And your story is a perfect example of such a situation. And i'm so sorry btw that you're experiencing a difficult time. I send you my love <3 and thank you for being candid and sharing as always.

[sobsicles]

Opening Line Tag Game

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

I was tagged by @dont-offend-the-bees - thanks! ill just do my spn fics and not any ive co-written because i didn't start the first chapters for those, though they're very good (Season Z and The Bad Santa Clause, respectively, that are fics written by a group of many amazing authors!)

Dean starts falling in love with him on a slow Sunday morning under slanted sunlight that slips through the gaps in the trees. — six hundred sundays (and many more)

Why did the curtains have to be yellow? — i want to do with you (what spring does to cherry trees)

In a bar on a Tuesday morning, it's a few months out from the final shot at the world ending. But hey, Chuck's long gone, and everything has worked out for the best, and the world keeps right on turning. Funny how that goes, huh? — dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination)

There are certain moments in one's life when things go exactly as planned. It's like the stars align and the skies open up to reveal rays of sunlight and, against all odds, everything seems to be in perfect harmony. This is a phenomenon that Dean is genuinely not accustomed to, as it doesn't really happen for him. — finding hope (and finding him)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment. — break the skin (to break the barriers)

The first time Dean and Cas kiss, it's not even really a kiss at all. It is, in fact, mouth-to-mouth. — a kiss for every season (literally)

The brass chip slides back and forth in a small path across the leaning desk Bobby has had for years and still hasn't gotten around to fixing. The chip reads: To thine own self be true. Unity. Service. Recovery. — separate ways and sleeping dogs

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't. There's just enough human-esque nuances to it that keep it feeling like life rather than death, and he's thankful for that because he's got the smallest inkling that he should have gotten to live a little longer than he did. — oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith

So, the first thing that happens is Castiel comes back. It's at a pretty inconvenient time, considering the amount of pain Dean is in and how close he is to being dead. — things happen (they do, and they do, and they do)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. — what's missing is found (our souls can exhale now)

It's different now, no matter how much they're pretending it's not. Mostly out of self-preservation, because sometimes their sanity is hanging by a mere thread and it's so obvious that they simply have no choice but to fake it 'til they make it. They've done a lot of that through the years, practically crafted it into a fine art, but this is the best performance yet. — according to all known laws of life

Time is different here. — what they deserve (it's better this way)

The first realization he remembers having is that the stars are oddly bright from where he lies sprawled on his back. The second, of course, is that there are troubling sounds coming from some vague point to his left. He supposes that's fair—vision and auditory processes are usually the first thing people make sense of when they wake. He knows that much, at least. Not much else, though. — Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You)

Dean would think that a failsafe like this wouldn't exist. It doesn't quite add up in his head when he sits down and thinks about it, but Sam assures him over and over that it's well within the realm of possibility for the Men of Letters--supposed smart people--to come up with something as stupid as this. — home is where the heart is (and you have mine)

The blackbirds start singing a dawn. — profoundly bonded (by law)

So. So, the thing about desperation, and want, and desire, and how it controls, is that it's all bullshit, and Dean wants absolutely no part in it. — staring at ceiling in the dark, same empty feeling in your heart (love comes slow and it goes so fast)

Cas wasn't a music fanatic of any kind, Dean knew this firsthand. Sure, he listened to whatever Dean was listening to, or whatever was playing in the car on long trips. But he never went out of his way to listen to music in his spare time. — listen to the song in my soul (only you can hear)

All things considered, Castiel found solace in the fact that his life couldn't get any worse than this. — Just A Touch

There were a few things that were known about Dean Winchester, undeniable things that hadn't wavered once in his entire life. — a helping hand (let's not be friends)

Dean was merely ten years old when he discovered that bridges didn't close the gap between two worlds. — The Bridges We Built

insane to me that none of these opened up on dialogue. i don't open up with dialogue that often, as it turns out. also, most of these fics are dean pov. only three of these out of twenty are cas pov (1, 12, 18). my personal five favorites out of these: 3, 5, 10, 14, 15.

im supposed to tag people, but like, i want anyone who wants to do it to do it! if you see this and want to do it, definitely do so! tag me if you do; i'd love to see your answers!

[scrawnytreedemon]

@enide-s-dear​ OOooooohh!! Good one!

This’ll be fun :)

favorite thing about them: Oh god, what to pick?! Look, while I don’t talk about him nearly enough(an absolute crime, I know,), like all the gang I love and appreciate him deeply. I think what gets me about him is that, while he is the party’s token Edgy guy, he doesn’t behave like how most Edgy guys do? Like, yeah, he goes on and on, and on and on about the weight of his sins and shit, but like, on the whole he comes off as an awkward, kinda-concerned uncle-dad who’s watching from the corner at a family gathering, needs to be kinda roped in to participate, but on the whole he’s having a good time and loves everyone but just, has a hard time expressing it? Yeah? Yeah.

least favorite thing about them: Fshhhwwhwhwhww, I needa think? Not much in the OG, if I’m honest. He doesn’t get into as much shit as many of the other guys-- Or maybe he does, and I just didn’t see it because there’s a million fucking ways you can play this game. I don’t know, I guess sometimes he gets too mopey. We love the guy, and he has more than enough reason to be miserable, but sometimes it gets into borderline hammy Woe Is Me territory and that’s a little Much.

favorite line: Okay, look, I am shit at remembering specific lines-- But you know the Huge Materia train sequence???? That fuking bit where the train’s going full-speed and he’s like, “hEY, HEY, CHIEF! SLOW DOWN THERE CHIEF--” --Incredibly paraphrased, of course. Point is, Vincent going along with Cid’s ideas like a wacky little sidekick is xoxox <333 I love.

brOTP: Him, Cid and Yuffie. They’re just... Such a disaster trio. Absolutely wild. Unhinged. Insane. Two middle-aged men and their teenage daughter. Excellent. Honestly though? I think Vince works with anyone if you put him in the right situation. Yeah, yeah, I say this about everything and everyone... But he has A Vibe. Like, he very easily balances out or melds with the high-energy gung-ho drives of the group’s majority or can sit back and mull things over with Tifa-- No doubt a bit of reprieve for them both.

OTP: Honestly? I don’t think I really ship him with anyone? I dunno, Vince just seems like that after what he’s been through, it’d take him years to get with anyone again-- I think I’ve said this in another ask-meme. Valenwind can be fun sometimes! I don’t think I like it enough to write anything romantic for it, but I love the art some of you guys come up with!

nOTP: Not one for this, either? Okay, like, there are alot of horrible and awful dynamics you could toss him into(...Hojo...)-- But the very point of those dynamics would be that they’re horrible, and to serve as psych-horror. One thing I really don’t like is when Vince and Lucrecia’s fling is portrayed as this beautifully tragic but would-be ~wonderful~ romance if only it weren’t for Ugly, Stinky Little Hojo. Lucrecia was incredibly fucking irresponsible, from what little I’ve heard of DoC, and had little to no concern about either how this affected Vince or was too deep in her own misery to work it out. I think even without Hojo, Lucrecia just... wasn’t All There. You get the feel?

random headcanon: Greasy. Profoundly so. Doesn’t sleep. When he does, he snores horrendously. Would give long talks out on a lawnchair with a red cup full of Monster he never sips from and long pauses between each sentence. He sips once towards the end.

unpopular opinion: Other than the Dad Debate, fuck if I know. Why did his dad need to look like Middle-Aged Bloodborn!Angeal, I guess.

song i associate with them: Ooo! Off the top of my head, Sweet Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses kinda works? Yeah, it kinda works :)

favorite picture of them: hhjgjhgjgjHJKJKHFKHJGKDJF OH GOD OH FUCK OH MAN-- I???? I don’t draw him often, but I have some art from an AU I kinda like? A Job-Swap AU I built up with my friend--

I swapped him with Tifa’s “boxer” class(she was likewise swapped with him). I have more, but I think this should paint a picture.

Thank you for asking, as always, Enide! You always know how to throw me a good curveball <3

[having-a-hyperfixate]

The Final Day’‘

This is absolutely going to be long and rambley af so I’mma just put a cut here. This is just one massive post for the entire rest of the game.

Rindo is back in the RG somehow. Which makes less than no sense. What was that crazy beam. Shibuya is GONE there isn’t an RG to send him back to, even if someone did want to send him back?

That beam reminded me of the Jesus beams not gonna lie.

But… Fret. Presumably Nagi and Beat too. They’re. Gone. Poor Rindo… That’s the worst kind of gaslighting. Reality itself is gaslighting this poor kid. ‘Your best friend in the world is gone, so gone that no one remembers him. You don’t even get to mourn properly because there is no one TO mourn.’  I am also not okay.

I assume this random talking to us at Hachiko is the dude I saw a brief glimpse of in a screenshot from the final trailer. Hazuki Mikagi, okay. Everything about this is supremely weird. 

Leading this weirdo around and he asked how we feel about emotions? Um, what?

Was he responsible for that beam of light?

This whole thing is extremely unsettling, I don’t think I like it. The music is all… serene, this guy keeps asking existential questions, who even comes up to some kid clearly having a bad day and demands a tour of the city.

He knows Rindo’s name even though we never told him. Not sure if that was a slip or an intentional nudge that Something is going on but there we go.

‘I should take this chance to apologize for Kubo. He’s a real piece of work.’ WHAT. YOU SEND HIM TO SHINJUKU?!?! IS THIS KID GOD!? WHAT!??!

‘Exorcised’. Like a demon. Which is a psychic rank you can get in the first game, and probably this game, ergo, a thing that exists in this universe.

Okay. So this Hazuki guy is Something Else. I dunno if he’s an Angel or higher or WHAT. He’s something. And he “exorcised” what Fuckwad had Fallen to when he decided not to stop at Shinjuku and continue on to Shibuya. But he only did this after Rindo faught so hard to stop it. And then he gave Rindo what he thought Rindo wanted. And now he’s here trying to understand why Rindo is miserable. Which to us, as humans, is obvious: the people he loved, the connections and family he had made through the game are all gone and worse, no one remembers they ever existed.

And now he’s being offered the chance to try again. This feels like a double edged sword. And I don’t care.

Okay I actually kind of appreciate the thing Hazuki is pulling here. He knows what it is that Rindo wants, I’m pretty sure he’s listening to his thoughts, actually, and in order to make Rindo own up to it he’s arguing the ‘no’ position. Giving Rindo someone to argue against so he can convince himself.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT UDAGAWA.

Bruh some of these clips were in the announcement trailer.

(I can’t wait to read the secret reports. That’s gonna be a wild ride.)

Oooooh that’s what ‘exorcised’ means. That is hardcore. He definitely deserved it but that is uh. Slightly inconvenient.

Can we actually contact Rhyme this time PLEASE. Oooh Rindo worked out Kaie is waiting for Rhyme. :O I’M FINALLY GONNA GET MY MASSIVE COUNTER OFFENSIVE FUCK YES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I’M PUMPED LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!!!!

Who’s gonna protect them. Beat. Really. Just give them the damn pins at this point. They both know their ways around a fight and Kaie might need the backup. If we lose, we’re all toast regardless, and if we win everyone gets put back where they belong.

AAAAAAAAAAAH SHE’S HERE!!! RHYME!!!! Aw… She can’t see Neku and Shoka cuz they’re actually dead. That’s really depressing. Makes sense but like. Oof. Especially for Neku.

I love that Rhyme still has a saying for everything.

This timeline is going to be a mess by the time I get everything positioned correctly lmao

Beat’s ‘How do you know about my sister?! Right, future.’ is never going to NOT be funny. It’s very refreshing to have a time travel plot where people just listen when he tells them shit needs to happen.

Is it acutaly Shiki time ohh my god. I might cry. Please tell me she has a face now. If her face is still illegal I will actually scream.

I’m offended. We didn’t get to go see Shiki. The betrayal. OH but now we might be? Stop playing with me, game. GIVE. ME. SHIKI.

Rindo was freaking out that we weren’t gonna be able to get rid of all the Noise around the café and I definitely threw my hands up and yelled when I saw the word ‘zeptogram’. And I read it before he said it, cuz I read v. fast. Nice to see you again, idiot. Please don’t go berserk again.

I am. Very impressed that Minamimoto managed to work out where the Dissonance Noise are coming from, down to the exact energy source that creates them. He nailed it. Well done sir.

I think… he’s proposing we awaken the city and use the energy generated by the thoughts and emotions of the living people to neutralize some of the Dissonance Noise that are waiting in the pin. Erode some of its power.

“How about this: I’ll talk, you type.” Lmao.

I got denied Shiki again. Part of me is annoyed. The other part of me is like ‘are they saving her entrance for when she can see Neku again properly because I can live with that’.

OH the Hishima cutscene is voiced now OKAY. Guess that means this is the one. Rhyme is voiced too. This is gonna be it.

And she speaks Minamioto. Coo.

Huh. Neku’s power is to sync with people. Which he learned to do in the first game. From Mr H, with the harmonizer pin. (Twister is playing and I have Emotions help) And now he’s gonna do it on an absolutely MASSIVE scale. This is insane. I am 1,000% here for it. Sync, Dive, Remind. And if I had to guess, we’re doing this atop 104.

Alright Shiba. ‘Mere. Tsugumi’s eyes aren’t all freaky anymore yay. Oh snap. He’s gonna unleash the Plague Noise against the Dissonance ones. Nice. Turnabout is fair play. I’m kinda sad Fuckwad isn’t here to witness that.

Alright. Change. Our. Fate.

SHIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gave myself a headache ow.

“07734.” “Ew. Hey! Don’t just spout off numbers and walk away, you jerk!” That was amazing.

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. NO. NO WAY. I DIDN’T THINK THERE WAS ANY WAY. OH. MY. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. This is the first time Neku’s seen him since Joshua failed to stop Coco from killing him. I’m. A puddle. Help. Neku looked so happy. My cat is slightly concerned haha.

Neku still holds his hands like he’s got the headphones. The same pose as in the first game when you scan. This gives me all the feels.

“They’re just mindless thoughts” Okay so I’m mentally exhausted at this point and I processed that as ‘thots’ and it was hilarious. BEGONE THOTS.

Okay this thing right here? This is a final boss. And it is cool as fuck. Too bad it’s trying to END ME. So cool. SO. COOL. Here comes phase 2 lol. I died and had to redo it. FML.

That. Was awesome. A worthy successor to the epic final strike of the first game. 999% eh?

I continue to not like Shinjuku rules. Once you’re a Reaper, leaving means you get erased once the game ends? Disrespectfully, fuck that. Oh don’t you dare, Shoka. Don’t. You. Dare.

Oh, Joshua is here. PLEASE. Lmao Shoka’s reaction. I’m sure he appreciates that, the drama queen.

*facepalms* Joshua strikes again. I’ve missed you, you little shit. You are terrible, but I missed you. Rindo, I’m pretty sure she’s fine. I think captain helpful over here reincarnated her for you. Since you saved him and his city. I guess I’ll see though.

Uzuki and Kariya continue to be adorable. I love them. And yeah, good luck calling in that debt from Minamimoto, Coco. Gooooood luck.

I’m having a lot of Joshua centered emotions right now there is too much Joshua all at once help. “I should have known I could trust you.” You are killing me dude. You really, really should have. I’m going to turn that line over in my head for way too long, I just know it, but let’s try to get through this before my brain turns off completely. “Let’s not keep her waiting.” OKAY THANKS I’M GONNA CRY AGAIN.

What Hazuki was saying about ‘purifying’ as opposed to ‘destroying’ Shinjuku makes me think that restarting it in some form was always part of the plan, so hopefully they’ll have luck with that. It’s still profoundly fucked up that any of that happened, and even more so that it was sanctioned. I’m. Going to be hung up on that for a while once it sinks in.

This poor idiot hitting on Rhyme is about to get got oh no XD

Shiki is breaking my heart. Aaaaaaaah!!! Reunioooooon.

Ooof it’s been a month since Rindo saw Shoka. Big oof. Joshuaaaaaa.

And then they almost got hit by a car lmao. OMG HE MISSED HER FRIEND REQUESTS AHAHAHAHAH YOU GOOBER. Neku really should have warned them that Joshua is Like That lol. Even when he’s being helpful it’s in the must backhanded way possible.

I would very much like to know why on earth Shinjuku needed to be obliterated though. Like. Does that… Happen often? Maybe the secret reports say.

Speaking of, time to get those, along with the rest of the trophies.

!!!! The title screen updated, NICE. Can’t let anyone who hasn’t beaten it see that but NICE.

There’s another Another Day. Oh boy. I am not ready for that madness yet.

Random thought as I was moving this from word, where I typed it: I’m really, really fucking glad they didn’t decide to deal with Mr H the way they dealt with sleezy mcfuckwad. That would have been… I don’t have a word.

[qwertyfingers]

Not to be too forward but please drop your TNG watch order.

okay tng is. complex. here’s how i’d do it I think. I’m jumping about a lot, and I’m also struggling to remember a lot of it because my first watch was 7 years ago and my rewatch w friends we just did Sherlock Holmes and then went straight into chronological order. so this is like, combo of a handful of eps I remember being plot important and just stuff that makes me laugh.

Elementary, My Dear Data (S2E3) and Ship In A Bottle (S6E12). a) introduces you perfectly to the concept of holodeck episodes, which will be important later b) DaForge married gay energy off the charts c) Picard is really fun. the only failing of this as a start is the tragic lack of Guinan

ALL of the Q eps. Speedrun the Qcard nonsense and get a lot of the overall show plot

Encounter at Farpoint (S1E1 and S1E2)

Hide and Q (S1E10) - unnervingly babyfaced Riker. you could skip this one but it lays some good basis for who the Q continuum are, but it’s kind of fun

Q Who (S2E16) - borg introduction! absolute must watch. The insanity of ‘to learn about you is frankly provocative… but you’re next of kin to chaos’ as a line alone, let alone the voice Patrick Stewart gives to it. Iconic episode.

Deja Q (S3E13) - Q getting turned into a human as punishment for being a naughty boy. V funny, must watch

QPid (S4E20 babeyyyyy) - MUST WATCH one of thee funniest episodes and experiencing the QCard speedrun from farpoint to qpid is a very special kind of brainworms

True Q (S6E6) - this one is skippable tbh, but it is pretty fond and I’m personally fond of running a full Q supercut

Tapestry (S6E15) - this one isn’t as fun as most Q eps but it is VERY TNG-ish and therefore a must watch. If you’ll forgive the pun, it really gets at the heart of Picard’s character

All Good Things (S7E25 and S7E26) - as with most Star Trek finales it’s not the best. You don’t have to watch this here but it can be a fun bookend for the Q speedrun

You could also go watch DS9’s Q-Less (S1E6) if you’d like to see Q get punched in the face, it’s really very satisfying

You kind of have to watch The Best of Both Worlds (S3E26 and S4E1). If you’ve seen TNG before, you don’t need to worry about when you watch it. If you haven’t seen any TNG yet, watch it here.

Darmok (S5E2) - THEE most star trek of all star trek’s. hmu if you ever want me to rant about Darmok I have a whole badly-structured personal essay about it ready to go at all times

Disaster (S5E5) - Geordi and Crusher teamup is really fun, and ‘executive officer in charge of radishes’ is the best line in all 7 seasons of TNG

Schisms (S6E5) - you could just watch from the opening until Data’s poetry recital ngl. The ep is decent and I’d personally watch it all but this ep is mostly about Data’s poetry.

Sub Rosa (S7E14) - Crusher fucks a ghost. iconic behaviour

Dixon Hill eps! They’re fun and silly and much like watching TOS’ A Piece of The Action

The Big Goodbye (S1E12)

Manhunt (S2E19) - Lwxana. I’d do anything for Lwxana

Clues (S4E14) - Guinan as Gloria is so much fun I love her and she should have got a full episode!!!!!

The Measure of a Man (S2E9) - important Federation and Data lore. Very emotional.

Yesterday’s Enterprise (S3E16) - Tasha’a back!!!!!!!! Just a very cool ep imo

Hero Worship (S5E11) - Extremely good Data ep, good content about Federation attitude to mental illness

Datalore (S1E12) - another important Data ep, and Lore is laways fun

The Offspring (S3E16) - Data wants to be a dad!!!

I, Borg (S5 E23) - HUGH!!! IT’S ALL ABOUT HUGH!!!!!!!!! (I like to watch this right after The Offspring because it’s direct parallels of geordi and data just wanting to take care of people)

Brothers (S4E18) - more Data (And Lore) content

Descent (S6E26 and S7E1) - not required watching, but Lore is fun and evil

Fistful of Datas (S6E7) - EXTREMELY SILLY GOOD FUN ALLROUND. CAN NEVER GO WRONG W ACOWBOY EP

Sarek (S3E23) - I can’t remember the plot I just know Sarek shows up in a lavender robe and has mad chemistry with Picard. I’m  pretty sure they mind meld really hard??? Lord help me the old men you put on this spaceship to do politics are exploring eachothers’ minds in the most intimate manner possible <3

Unification (S5E7 and S5E8) - Spock attempts to re-unify Romulus and Vulcan. Iconic 2-parter, but definitely the kind of episode that benefits from watching with a friend so you can add commentary

if you like Romulan episodes you could watch the full Sela arc before this one (The Mind’s Eye S4E24, Redemption S4E26/S5E1, Unification)

Face of The Enemy (S6E14) - I can’t remember the entire plot but I’m pretty sure it was good and I love a good Romulan ep

The Host (S4E23) - Trill introduction!!!! So good.

The Game (S5E6) - profoundly stupid but worth it for how funny the graphics for the game are

Cause and Effect (S5E18) - just a pretty cool one

Time’s Arrow (S5E26 and S6E1) - One of TNG’s strongest plots imo

The Inner Light (S5E25) - another banger plot; Picard gets hit by a psychic probe and lives an entire life in a history that has already happened. there’s a really good Spones fic based on this episode and I could read an au like this for any ship I swear

Relics (S6E4) - Scotty!!!! It’s fun

Chain of Command (S6E10 and S6E11) - another one of TNG’s strongest plots. The origin of the ‘there are FOUR lights’ meme.

Birthright (S6E16 and S6E17) - this is an infamous double parter but all I actually remember is Julian Bashir appearing and meeting Data

Ensign Ro’s intro ep Ensign Ro (S5E03) i LOVE her

The Next Phase (S5E24) - cool ep where Ro and Geordi get stuck out of phase and are invisible from the crew, pretty fun

and the end of her arc with Preemptive Strike (S7E24)

I personally love Barclay and just choose to live in a universe where the misogyny wasn’t happening and he was just a weird little man, but if he bothers you, you can skip his arc. Don’t skip Genesis tho it’s good

Hollow Pursuits (S3E21)

The Nth Degree (S4E19)

Realm of Fear (S6E2)

Genesis (S7E19) - perfectly batshit star trek fake science. I love it

Masks (S7E17) - extremely silly and therefore fantastic

after this point I’d go back and watch in order all the way through, or look up a watch order for eps that are actually important plot-wise :’) 

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Anonymous said:

Once i saw a video on youtube explaining a certain "anime character type", and it compared Akechi with Nagito. (I dont remember the other characters the video mentioned) what are your thoughts about it? Do you think they're similar?

You know, Anon, the dumb lizard brain that governs my every impulse wants to point at them and say: “mentally unstable twinks with great hair and a Very Heterosexual rivalry with the protagonist” and call it a day. Here’s the thing, though: my feelings about Akechi started strong and stayed that way throughout my Persona 5 experience, though the nature of those feelings has changed drastically since my first impression. (And I quote: “Who’s this Light Yagami-looking motherfucker? No, I don’t trust him. That smile is the last thing someone saw.”) And I want to talk about him. I also never don’t want to talk about Nagito. So you know what? I’m gonna. 

 Spoilers, by the way. 

    ---

 In short, I do feel they fall into a very specific character archetype. Namely: the morally ambiguous foil to the main character. Not a villain, not a hero, but rather somebody who follows their own moral code. With a dash of insanity, of course, because anime gonna anime. 

 For me, their most intriguing similarities run deeper than a trope, however, and it all starts with this inflated sense of self-importance they seem to share. I know what I said, just go with me on this one. 

 Nagito, at a glance, seems to have the very opposite of an ego. Forever putting himself down, calling himself all kinds of worthless, and willingly throwing his very life at every cause that comes his way. But herein lies the contradiction that defines him as a character. For all his espousing that the hopeless may never be hopeful, he still leaps at the chance to become worthy. He wants so badly to be more than he is, that he struggles to see a world outside his own perception. He is, of course, compassionate and empathetic; but, unlike Hajime (or even Joker), whose talent with people comes from their respective abilities to remove themselves from a situation and see it as someone else would in order to make a moral judgement, Nagito cannot fathom a world that doesn’t conform to his ideals. Hope and despair, good and back luck -- and there he sits in the eye of it all, defeated yet somehow untouchable. He can’t watch someone trip three feet away from him without assuming his luck has played some role in it. 

 Akechi is much the same way, though he owns it a little better. He sees all things as means towards his ends. He has his idea of how the world and it’s people work, and therein lie his issues with Joker. Because he plays by his own rules, which are fundamentally incompatible with Akechi’s. Much in the same way as Nagito becomes fixated on Hajime, the Ultimate, talentless, worthless, most shining beacon of hope there is; Akechi sees how Joker is consistently beaten down by life and yet strives to carve his own path, and is unable to cope with either the jealously or the admiration he feels, never mind any combination thereof. Moreover, he, too, desires to rise above and be more than he is: the hero of his own story, despite taking rather unheroic steps to get there. 

 I would, of course, be remiss not to mention the similarities in their upbringings that lead to these insecurities. Nagito lost both his parents at a young age, and from there, we’re given no indication of any long-term adult influence in his life. Quite the opposite, he seems to have been demeaned and shunned by his extended family at large. It is also implied at times that his parents were not very loving, though there is some debate around that, so take it as you will. Akechi was abandoned by his father who deemed his mother beneath him because she was a sex worker, and was left with a seething hatred for the man because of it. After his mother’s suicide, he was passed from institution to institution, likewise having no long-term positive influence in his life.

 Both were left to, essentially, raise themselves; glean their own image of the world and build their moral compass around lives that were unimaginably cruel, ruthless, and unfair. Thus, it’s likely their worst behaviours could have been avoided, had they stable home lives. Of course, this is no excuse, plenty of people grow up in unstable environments and don’t go on to harm others, however, it places them a step above senseless. In fact, they also share an incredible intellect, charm, good looks, and quite the way with words. If you’ve played both games, you know what I’m talking about. 

 Furthermore, they have this habit of standing on the outside, looking in. Nagito spends much of DR2 implying heavily that he would like to spend more time with the others as their friend, but does little to actually reach out to them. Viewing himself below them, and seeing no reason why such incredible people would want to hang out with trash like him. Akechi also keeps the Thieves at a distance. There are many times when they reach out to him, offer to help him find his way -- and he almost seems to want to. Yet it is as if he doesn’t know how. He has no idea what, besides hatred and spite, could possibly fuel him. Nor does he really know what there is for him to gain from forming genuine bonds with others, or why he should want them. But he does, that much is clear. They each crave acceptance, while accepting it as a lost cause, even as the protagonist of their respective games has their hand out to them. And this, once again, can likely be traced to their equally terrible upbringings, and lack of any real understanding of the world as it is, rather than as they see it. 

 I could absolutely go on all day down this path. And, hell, at some point, I might. But the overall theme I’m getting at here, is this delicate balance these two characters walk. Being soft and charming, and deadly and dangerous. Intelligent, yet profoundly ignorant. Eccentric and borderline reprehensible, but at the same time, deeply relatable, and extremely likeable. They aren’t psycho for the sake of it, and I’ll argue that to my grave. But moreover, what we have here is the ultimate products of the worlds they were made for. Parallels are drawn constantly between Nagito and Hajime, Akechi and Joker, in a “there but for the grace of god go I” way, and it falls the same every time. Joker forged a home among friends, and people he considered family. Even after being hurt, he found the strength to be vulnerable for someone, and that someone happened to be the right someone; and though these people, he became stronger still. Likewise, Hajime took risks, took responsibility, and became respected and loved through hard work and compassion. He faced his own fear of worthlessness, and in the end, he didn’t fold to it the way Nagito did. He built his own purpose in life, and it was as full of hope as any Ultimate’s. These are feats beyond comprehension to our antiheroes, who may well have turned out to be the heroes after all if they’d only been shown the same support and care. And that’s why I think this character type appeals to so many people, and why these characters become so beloved. I think we become invested in their stories, and we want to show them compassion. There’s a reason why Nagito and Akechi are frequently shipped around, why they exist in so many fix-it fics. At the end of the day, we know the difference between bad people, and people who do bad things. It’s that, the latter may not be beyond saving. 

 And finally, can I...? If you’ve played the third semester of Royal, they really just make Akechi Like That, huh? In the original Japanese, he was apparently supposed to just come off as tired and not particularly wanting to mend any of his relationships or mistakes since he knew his death was looming, so I’m not sure why they took one look at this complex character development and said, “Hm, let’s just make him balls to the wall, shall we?” but hey. I’ve got to give it to his VA, I had to put down my controller several times because holy shit. Just. Holy shit. Give that man all of the awards. All of them, every single one, please. 

[davidjjohnston3]

The trees are straight and true here, and the help comes without seeming harpoons.  I considered some insane things which were ‘above my pay-grade’ and as is my wont reflected on the state and implications of my former profession and what old friends and pharons meant to me.  Right now think that my core goal in life is not to blow myself up.  As a former would-have-been SecState said, ‘I love so many people.’  I am only sad that trying as I did to uproot that carrot of love just now could have resulted in the demolition of an entire root-network, of at least my own excision therefrom.

‘Some people’ want revenge against life for not going their way or not being the color or fragrance or face shape they like or feel it ought to be - ‘no that is not what I meant at all.’  They will never hold a life reliable which doesn’t resemble their ideal, imago, or ‘soul-idol’ &c.  The meaning of the name ‘Cordelia’ as in King Lear is something like ‘heart’s ideal.’  I was driving and considering a novel that I feel touched absolute supreme greatness without knowing it or in a way that could mislead some readers Mrs. Mary HK Choi’s Yolk a novel I looked forward for a very long time.  I had all these references and fractal coreferences and forgot about actual birds, like what does the chick eat in the egg.

‘Blood is the life’ - I liked etymologies for a long time and my intellectualism caused me acute trouble in Confirmation Class at Morrow Memorial United Methodist Church in about 1998.  ‘Pastor’ Gretchen taught us the word root ‘consacramentum’ which comes from dipping the hand in blood in the concave of a Roman shield - those huge rectangular shields which could be used in formation as ‘testudo’ or turtle to stop projectile weapons and allowed soldiers to make pin-point stabbing attacks from a ‘matrix(?)’ of high protection.  I forget what kind of animal was killed to pool the blood in the shield but it might have been a rabbit.

I was reading ‘Revelation,’ I don’t recall what everyone else was talking about.  Some kind of community service project, interview your parents, buy a wedding-magazine and make a whole plan for how you would get married and how much it would cost (and while you’re at it describe how you would 1) restore a classic Shelby Cobra using newspaper and Krazy Glue 2) drive foresaid drop-top to the Moon).  

The Pastor was a pipe-smoker named ‘Painter’ who used the NY Lotto’s ‘Hey you never know’ slogan to describe sth like Pascal’s Wager; OTOH St. Paul teaches us that everyone is born knowing God exists (Romans).  The problem is that people fail or omit to glorify Him or subsequently ruin or betray their own best efforts through blasphemy, turning or falling away, cowardice, denial, attachment to certain sins or being ‘yoked unequally’ with non-believers.  

I reflected starting in 2008 that I was shy of my ‘first love’ (rather, the woman I fell in love with at 14); at the time I gloried or reveled in the shyness like a Wallace Stevens poem that ends, ‘And not to have written a book.’  I could’ve written a few books by now or walked away from book-writing or changed my mind / specified which kind of book I might have written and for whom.  

I remember always admiring the ‘magic’ of literature and feeling sad I had no characters or world of my own to work magic with.  Star Wars and my own life and later much else supplied ‘materia poetica’ and till the point that I began to think in fiction and became addicted to interpreting my own in ‘story-ideas’ although that is not to say that what happened around me didn’t happen.  

America is trying to become a better country in numerous valences, loving our neighbors, holding each other accountable.  ‘Justice’ with or without the marks is important.  It is a divine Judgment that Covid fell on the world even if eventually we all shall learn who devised the virus or leaked it or modulated its mutations.  I was eager to rejoin the world feeling I might overcome my mental illness but I mishandled specific questions and tests.  I ended up turning people against me and creating monsters more than ever as well as perhaps terminally sabotaging any chance I might’ve had of fulfilling a dream or making good on the past.  I have a lot of opinions on the CCP but should’ve focused on love and family and personal responsibilities as in the past or at least held to my long-standing feeling that Chinese people deserve better rather than associating myself with hard-liners and racists or those who would simplify issues in order to bring about ultimate victory without temperance or concern for the side-effects.

In Milwaukee where I lived for far too long everyone’s spirit - electric, intellectual, visory(?), informational et cetera seemed to be militating against everybody else’s.  There were fake vaccines, radioactive ice cream (or thermogenic ice-cream), gun-battles as usual, lines crossed, all kinds of scores that people tried to settle.  I also realized that the police were probably tracking for years my various attempts to obtain weapons from samurai-swords to handguns though the purpose was defensive and I can only trust at this point that some good lawyer will prevent the bad lawyers and cops from presenting the most damning circumstantial case they could.  People in Milwaukee own AK-47′s, automatic shotguns, probably all kinds of explosives, improvised chemical weapons and (’our Black brothers’ - Schopenhauer) biological weapons - the cops don’t stand a chance that I can tell and even the National Guard perhaps could get outclassed by retired military.  I had told myself for years that it was only the ghetto’s that bore witness to this paramilitary equipage and that the retired SEAL Team 4 member with the ‘Stop Socialism’ and ‘Jobs Not Mobs’ sign on his front lawn would protect me from the Maoist-Covid Night of the Long Knives but I feel I tempted God a lot in the past.  

I read all these books and took to heart that people thought I was just entertaining myself with but now as then I should’ve guarded my heart or not begged the question of what others thought about me or saw in me.  I literally felt of late ‘I am the anti-Christ’ - good-looking at times, preach world peace, ‘form of godliness,’ want to be friends with everyone, build bridges - and had to rack my brains to come up with an ‘anti-Christology’ and science / concept of the Whore of Babylon just to make sure it was more than me alone.  I also wished to simplify my past and help kids ‘get life right the right time’ doing battle with philosophies that opposed this consciously or otherwise but stepped into numerous minefields and also tried running when I should’ve flown over.  

Everyone’s trying to get rich and build back better and I profoundly admired the American President for doing, finally, apparently, what presidents had tried to decades even as I remember ‘Flowers 1881′ a poem that implies that basically teachers can do only so much before turning their kids loose in a world no one has yet fixed and which others keep breaking; from a California almanac that also instructed me that the same old debates and cross-fires and burdens plague teachers as always, not that it is an ‘impossible profession’ but honestly that God won’t let us establish Heaven on Earth or at least not me or at least not America or at least not teachers who savor the experience of being a teacher or the beauty of their students more than the outcomes or commitment or intrinsic value of the work or the confirmed identity / vocation / personhood of the instructor.  There are always new and old at any rate and different cultures all describe the teacher as needing to keep both alive; as do descriptions of higher education and scholarship.  

I questioned my qualifications / background and wondered about re-training but can’t afford tuition anywhere so I am trying to cling to the core of my capabilities / blessings.  ABC and XYZ.  The glory of the soul or souls.  

I kept theorizing Russian literature as well as weapons-systems and ultimate destiny, sailing ships, noble names, divisions, the flaming sword of Archangel Gabriel, the mission of Russia today with respect to the world order.  I am also simply trying to be healthy and stop for a while trying to parse out who was the love of my life or what it still left in terms of action or redemption or justice or surrender or mitigation or meeting new friends or propounding the kind of understand with carefulness I have believed in - ‘saving people from themselves.’  Driving up here I remember being distressed at a gas-station in California when I was about 5 or 6 since the pump was leaking, being very upset with my parents and family.  In those days I also disliked animal-cruelty though the world today seems so depraved and deprived with respect to human interests I would make no bones about neglecting most all animals outside of military or police use.  When I was about 3 I saw white kids set a frog on fire; my mother has a history of running over cats.

I dislike winging it and taking risks.  There is a song I call to myself ‘Run Away’ though its title is ‘Paradise.’  I am not a utopian communist for believing in secular justice and its instrinsic value... I wonder whether when I helped people in the past there were always strings attached or maybe I was just trying to close my case and discharge my responsibilities too rapidly without allowing others to gestate or make an abode in my heart besides and beyond what I could get out of them, glorifying myself, or tell others about.  

What is motherhood?  What is travail?  Is there a kind of problematic ‘female gaze’ as feminists talk of a ‘male gaze’ associated with sadism or fascination / fetishism?  It’s psychology which is not my first love at all since it appeared pretentious and distracting and retarding (in the literal sense of slowing down).

I also remembered reading various things about Victor Hugo whose ‘93′ is an important novel today due to its techno-utopianism, feminism or ‘new model egalitarianism,’ fusion of revolution and religion, etc.  But I had forgotten ‘Les Miserable’ with its themes of ransom or eventual recompense, genealogies, caution, and more none of which is to negate the various complains against me or death-warrant from China or my parents with their partial private readings of Proverbs (’Let’s stone David for embarrassing us / not doing precisely what we want’ - no mention of witnesses, tribunals, questions, mitigation-hearings, actual counsels of judges etc. but just American-German ‘coalitions of the willing’ ‘run and get my gun’ ‘team-building’ etc. which in my experience ends with tanks on the street and military dictatorships as when at the end of the CultRev PLA regulars were gunning down former justice-fanatics who’d been stripping women, kicking pregnant stomachs etc. as in The Vagrants).  Naturally having grown up in a family fascinated with Lee Kwanyew and Arnold Schwarzenegger and conflicted about ‘fascism’ I had reservations about the United States’ ability to suddenly dress up and ‘stand at perpetual moral attention’ but I guess my own problems are just that I am poor with a rich kid’s mind and no one really likes me except strangers and faraway friends who were easily spooked and/or just couldn’t be there.  ‘King of South shall attack and King of North shall crush them  with chariots &c.’ - in the end righteous will prevail whichever side of the line I end up on in the final assessment.  I also remembered today a novel called ‘The Old Capital’ about a bad artist father, a virgin daughter, straight and true pines.  Some other aspects of this novel are silly as well as criminally problematic and there's a lot of that going on in new-old old news America / Babylon or at least to quote my favorite lawyer / leave lawyering movie 'First let's get out of Milwaukee.'  Miss the land of June snow. 

[markwrecksmysoul]

Got7 reaction to you kissing them out of nowhere

Jaebum

You watched Jaebum as he spoke to you telling you some embarrassing thing he’d done while he was drunk. You weren’t focusing on his words. The way his lips moved had all of your attention. He looked so cute. The way he would lick them every so often.

Before you knew it you had already leaned in.

“And so I was completely drunk stumbling around and I knock into the guy-mm!”

Ice cold fear had settled into your chest when you felt his lips on yours. The ice left as quickly as it came when he responded slowly moving his lips against yours. You both pulled away moments later and he smiled a hint of confusion behind it.

But instead of questioning you, he continued his story blushing hard.

Youngjae

Youngjae was merely a friend. A very cute, funny, absolutely perfect friend. He was reclining on the couch, phone in hand completely absorbed in whatever he was looking at. And you were completely absorbed in looking at him.

The way he pushed his red brown hair away from his eyes, his lips curving upward as he looked at something funny. You couldn’t stand to hold back any more. You reached out taking his phone out of his hands. He protested but stopped once he noticed you halfway over him one arm braced on his other side. You took a deep breath.

Then, you kissed him, it was short and sweet and he didn’t pull away or throw you off at first contact like you feared he would. Instead he asked jokingly,

“Can I have my phone back now you loon?”

Jinyoung

You didn’t know what to call it. Spontaneous insanity, Early onset dementia, maybe it was Mania! Your calculus tutor was explaining a new concept to you but you weren’t listening.

How could he expect you to listen when he looked so perfect? How could he expect you to be able to focus on anything other than his soft plump lips?

Before you could think better of it you leaned in cutting off his next sentence with your mouth. You fully expected him to throw you all the way to Canada. But instead he had cautiously responded to the kiss, and boy it was a perfect kiss.

You both pulled a way in a daze until jinyoung had cleared his throat pointing at the work book. “Hey! you can’t distract me that easily with your sneaky attacks! do another round of problems”.

You smiled biting your lip. you followed his order but from the corner of your eye you could see his bright red ears.

Yugyeom

You stood in front of the snack isle next to your very tall roommate Yugyeom holding the handheld shopping basket. He had two brands of banana milk clutched in his big hands and was studying them as if they were some big mystery he needed to solve. His eyebrow were scrunched together and his lips were formed into a pout.

Cute

You leaned upwards onto your toes and pecked his cheek. You weren’t sure why, but you didn’t regret the impulsive move. Yugyeoms eyes were wide and he set one of the milk cartons down to touch the spot you kissed. A smile broke out on his face and he dropped the milk carton he had in his hand in your basket.

“Alright I’m done we can go home now”.

Bambam

You were listing all the things bestfriends were allowed to do one by one in your head. Nap together, hug, watch a movie, be jealous of their significant others?

Are bestfriends allowed to think that the other has amazing hair?

No. You sighed internally as Bambam leaned forward getting into the children’s film. He was fixated on the movie boxtrolls.

A dangerous thought popped into your mind. Kiss him. The little devil on your shoulder egged on those thoughts. You were never one to deny yourself something. In this case that something was Bambam. You leaned in and kissed him. A hum of shock erupted from his soft lips.

His lips were at a standstill, feeling awkward you started to pull away , until his hand snaked around your waist. And he kicked your small kiss into overdrive.

After several moment he pulled away. Your mind was lost in La La Land. He smirked.

“You always do spontaneous stuff during the good part of the movie you know”.

Jackson

“Cupcake timeee!” You called out at your roommate Jackson. You would make cupcakes together every year on Easter. It was a bit of an ongoing tradition ever since you moved in. Jackson hopped up from the couch rolling up his hoodie sleeves.

“Say less!”

You mixed the cupcake batter in a big bright red bowl while Jackson whipped up the cream cheese frosting. you grinned staring at him, he mumbled a silly rap about whipping frosting.

“You’re a dork sometimes Wang”.

Jackson gasped. “How dare you I am so profoundly cool you don’t even know”. You rose a brow. “Righhht”.

Jackson dropped his bowl and whisk on the counter and stalked towards you. He dipped a finger in the batter and flicked his finger at you.

Your eyes widened. “You flicked batter at me!”

Jackson licked his finger. “I sure did what are you gonna do about I-“.

Your lips were on his in an instant and you could taste the cupcake batter on his tongue. You pulled away a few moments after enjoying the dumbstruck look on his face.

Mark

It was another lazy Sunday night for you and your bestfriend Mark. Mark sat criss-cross on the floor watching chowder on Hulu you sat behind him on the couch his head between your knees while you fumbled with his hair.

You wouldn’t have moved from your position if your life depended on it. You leaned forward and plopped your chin on his head.

“You know that kinda hurts right?” You hummed nonchalantly in reply until he’d moved so your chin was no longer digging into him. You pouted. “I was comfortable.” Mark laughed. Your heart skipped a bit. He looked so adorable. Thoughts of kissing him ran through your mind but you waved them away

“Don’t pout weirdo.”

He sat back down again and grabbed your wrists to drape them over his chest. you rested your chin on his shoulder now, a satisfied smile on your face.

“I’m changing it to adventure time.” You felt his jaw move against your cheek. You really wanted to kiss him. You were so close.

You grabbed his chin his body turning with his head and pressed your lips onto his the adventure time theme song played softly in the background.

Your heart was beating hard like you ran ten miles. then you pulled away.

“Are you gonna kiss me everytime I change the cartoon ? cause I can live with that arrangement”

Masterlist

[thanksjro]

Eugenesis, an Overview: Let Me Get Weirdly Serious About This Book For A Sec

HOLY SHIT WHAT A RIDE.

So, let’s recap what we’ve learned over the last 282 pages.

In 2001, James Roberts published nearly 300 pages of fictional prose, based in the established franchise of Transformers, specifically the Marvel UK comic continuity. This novel tells the story of the Transformers, in their dwindling numbers, being attacked, not by their opposing factions, but by an outside force hellbent on revenge. Those who are captured by this force- the Quintessons- are stripped of their very individuality, forced into servitude until the moment they die of exhaustion. Everyone is pushed to- and in some cases beyond- their limits, the horrors of a literal genocide beating down on them like a tidal wave. Only by casting aside their differences and banding together can they hope to survive the nightmare that is the Eugenesis Wars.

But people don’t really talk about all that, even though it’s a majority of what the book’s about. No, people only talk about what happens after the Quintessons are defeated. People only talk about the robots getting pregnant, because honestly it is the most bizarre thing.

Not because the idea itself is terribly odd- I mean, at least it’s in line with the lore the comics set up. It’s bizarre in how we get to that point. All the torture, all the suicide and death and depression and destruction of entire belief systems, leads up to these robots getting pregnant. Almost like that was the whole point. And considering that this story is presenting to us a bridge for the gap between the classic Transformers and the Beast-Era ones, it could have very well been.

I won’t say fetish, because that doesn’t feel quite right, but our dear author seems to have a sort of… obscene fascination with the concept of mechpreg. A fascination that will carry on well into his career as a professional comic scriptwriter, setting readers on edge for the duration of his run with IDW.

Comparing Eugenesis to More Than Meets The Eye and Lost Light, you get an interesting view of Roberts’ growth, as both a writer and a human being. Eugenesis is the work of what Billy Joel might call an "angry young man”, focusing on the despair of wartime and the futility of one’s struggle against the flow of time and mortality. The theme of time only being perceived as linear, and being in actuality an unending plane where all moments are equal and eternal might seem oddly specific, but it’s reflected upon by multiple characters within the story of Eugenesis. Perhaps this is why he has Brainstorm and Perceptor collectively and completely jack up time itself in the Elegant Chaos storyline.

Character moments sprinkled throughout the narrative give us a glimpse of the relationships that would be written later on- some of the most compelling scene writing happens between Quark and Rev-Tone, two original characters who have such a delightful dynamic between them, they very quickly became some of my favorites. You truly believe that they care so strongly for one another, they would do just about anything to keep the other safe. And they do, in a couple cases.

Then there’s all the death. There’s a lot of death in Eugenesis, and none of it is by way of natural causes- you’ve either got suicide, murder, or suicide-by-way-of-murder. You really see Roberts shine in these death scenes, both then and now, as he captures the utter, raw tranquility as one stares down their own demise, and on the other side of the coin, the complete annihilation of one’s very heart as someone they love is destroyed. It’s downright poetic how he handles these scenes.

Still, there is a difference in how the aftermath is handled. When someone dies in the MTMTE/LL run, there’s always meaning and purpose to it- nobody dies just to die, and those who are left behind are left at least something to comfort them.

A message of love.

The return of a friend.

A chance to keep living.

A chance to be a better person.

You don’t get that in Eugenesis. In most cases, there’s no salve for the wound, only more hurting. There’s no time to even mourn, as the fight rages on and on and on. Any happiness pulled from the narrative for the characters is laced with a bittersweet understanding that these folks probably aren’t going to make it, and they’re just as aware of that fact as the reader is.

And yet there’s something kind of beautiful about that, in a twisted sort of way.

Eugenesis is a sort of love letter to those dark thoughts hiding in our heads, those deeply scary intrusive visions of everything we care about being ripped away from us. It’s a book make up of catharsis, of hurting that begs for some sort of outlet. The characters in this story are lost, and scared, and hollowed out before the mass extinction even arrives, and are put through wringer after wringer, like some sort of distanced facsimile of self-harm.

Perhaps I’m reading a bit too into this, but with how intense things get, with self-insert characters no less, I can’t help but wonder if the James Roberts who was writing Eugenesis truly needed this outlet in more than just a creative sense.

Which isn’t to say that there aren’t issues with this novel just because it was a vessel for catharsis. Pacing can end up going so rapidly it feels as if you’re being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, then stutter to a halt to the point where continuing on feels like an absolute slog. But it always seems just as you’re about to put the thing down and give up, something completely thrilling, completely insane and powerful and profoundly attention-grabbing happens, pulling you right back in. If nothing else, this book demands one’s attention.

There are also some other, more interesting issues with Eugenesis. Issues I wasn’t really expecting to run into. To highlight one such issue, we’re going to play a game.

The game is called Guess That Character Design!

Hey Transformers fandom, got a new quandary for y’all to fight over. Forget the Frenzy/Rumble color debate, forget the Bombshell/Skywarp is Cyclonus debate, it’s time for the What The Actual Everloving Fuck Is Quark Supposed To Look Like debate! Do we follow the comic and its script, which show him as being either about on par with Rev-Tone and Mirage or taller, but fails to note any sort of color because it’s in black-and-white? Or do we follow the novel, which states he’s short exactly once, and crimson? And if he’s red, where did the blue paint chips come from in Part Five? They sure didn’t come from Rev-Tone, who I know is mostly red- not because the novel told me, but because I’ve seen art of him outside of this. Honestly, other than him having big honkin’ shoulders and a bust to match, nothing about Quark’s visual aesthetic is concrete.

Now, I could tell you all about his quirks and mannerisms, how he holds himself, how he talks, how he interacts with others, all sorts of stuff. Nothing wrong with the writing there, characterization’s great! I just couldn’t tell you for the life of me how his body is supposed to look. Rev-Tone’s in the same boat, except it’d be even worse without the helpful input of some friends. Did you know he has a visor? Because I sure as shit didn’t until someone showed me. It’s never mentioned in the book. You can barely see it in the prequel comic art if you’re looking for it, and the script is less than helpful to me because I’m not Matt friggin’ Dallas, nor have I had the pleasure of reading Transtrip. All the information presented in the novel about his looks involves his mouth.

Hell, some of the writing in Eugenesis seems to imply that he actually just has normal eyeballs.

What I’m getting at here is that Roberts leans a bit too much on the reader knowing exactly as much as he does about the characters, the plot points, the lore. And he knows A LOT about Transformers.

This book essentially requires the reader to have the wiki open with multiple tabs at all times. Roberts put his heart and soul into the prose, but the world-building had his nerdy little brains smeared all over it, because there are some obscure references in here, not to mention the sci-fi jargon. You basically NEED an internet connection to get through this- I’ve never read a novel that pretty much forbid an acoustic reading, but here it is, in all its glory.

Eugenesis is a dark, morbid, conflicted story with the oddest little bright spots in it. Within five pages, you’ll go from some of the most horridly bleak death scenes to someone accidentally burning a hole in their hand like a cartoon character. But never once, in nearly 300 pages, does it ever stop trying. It may not succeed in what it’s attempting 100% of the time, but goddamn does it go as hard as it can. This isn’t something that was done for money, or fame, or anything like that. Eugenesis is a passion project in the purest sense, and you can really feel it in the way it’s been crafted. For all the frustration it put me through, never once did I think “man, this guy just doesn’t care.” The ambition Roberts shows in the prose, in the world-building, in all the funny little moments that show just so much personality within the story, truly were harbingers for what was to come just a decade later.

Ambitious. Bleak. Brutal. Weird. Ultimately unforgettable. That’s James Roberts’ Eugenesis.

But let’s get to the heart of the matter, shall we? The one question that truly matters for any novel: is it worth reading?

Well, that depends.

If you had a hard time with the darker parts of MTMTE/LL, I really couldn’t recommend that you read Eugenesis. You will have an awful time, because most of it is Grindcore x100 levels of depressing and brutal. There were a couple points where I had to take a break because things got so intense- and I’m not exactly squeamish. Maybe stick to a breakdown- like this one!- or try a group read-along. Friends make everything better, after all.

If you like Roberts work and want to see where he came from, like I did, I highly recommend you find a copy- digital of course, there are only a few hundred physical copies in existence. I recommend you find the 2nd edition, which includes Telefunken and fixes some of the more glaring continuity mistakes and typos.

It’s a good read. Just... it’s a lot at times.

Like, a lot.

Up next-

Oh, what? You didn’t think that was it, did you? This url is way too sweet to just be done with so soon.

Next, I’ll be taking a gander at Children of a Lesser Matrix, which is something that was never finished by Roberts, but is still floating around the internet because hey! It’s the internet.

If anyone has any other somewhat obscure writings from JRo, feel free to send them my way. Especially if you have any of the TMUK zines from back in the day. I wish to consume all the works.

[narkito]

Mcdanno, #39. Long distance relationship??

Thank you for giving me a prompt!! :D

This story takes place in the “Chosen” universe, but you needn’t have read that to understand this little piece. Hope that’s okay

–

Steve scrambles for the phone, jumping over the coffee table and almost landing on one of Charlie’s Lego structures.

“Yes, hello,” he pants into the receiver, as he plops down into the couch, his leg already sore from the exertion. “Hello?”

The line crackles, followed by, “hey, babe.”

Steve sits up, never minding his cramping leg. “Danno! How are you?”

“Better now that I’ve got a hold of you.”

“Awww, you really think that sounds romantic, don’t you? I pity your game.”

“Oi, I have ten minutes to use the phone, you sure you want to use it up insulting me?”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, kinky, but, how about not.” Steve pouts in response, and Danny continues, “tell me, how are you? How are things? The leg? The kids? My parents? Did Nahele find his lucky socks, did we bring them from Hawaii? How about—

Steve blinks, adjusting to the change of pace. This is not how he envisioned a long-distance relationship with Danny.

“Okay, hold your horses there, more conversation, less interrogation, okay? The kids are fine, or as fine as they can be, your parents are lovely as usual, and absolutely delighted to have the kids around.”

Danny snorts (and it does not sound pretty over the phone).

“You’ve been dumping them with my Ma every week, huh?”

Steve takes a beat before answering, “dumping sounds harsh, it’s more like…”

“Sorry, giving them the opportunity to enjoy the kids on a semi-regular basis.”

“Yeah,” he nods to himself, “much more dignified, that works.”

Danny snorts again. Steve can almost see him shaking his head.

“But in all seriousness, Steve, how’s the leg?”

“It’s fine, Danno, much better than last time we saw each other. I’ve been doing PT and everything.” Steve strokes his thigh as he talks, remembering how it used to be less than a year ago. “Today I walked all the way from the kids’ school to your parents’ house.” Steve wiggles his eyebrows satisfied with his accomplishment.

“Oh, wow, that’s actually a lot more than I expected,” Danny says, a huge smile in his voice. “Congrats for you.”

“Thank you.” Steve answers, satisfied smile of his own dangling from his lips. “So, uhm, how’s your thing going, you adjusting to training well?”

“Uuuuh, yeah, people are, you know, a bunch of average joes for the most part, and a good part of them wash out in the first week, so I’m holding my ground, comparatively I’m okay.”

Oh, that’s code speak for I hate it, Steven, I hate it so much.

“Does that mean you’re objectively a klutz and your drill sergeant hates you?”

“Ha-ha, very funny. Naah, I’m fine, I’m five-oh, we know how to keep it cool and interesting, you know?”

“Riiiight, you bored out of your mind yet?”

“Maybe.” Steve can sense the way Danny shrugs only one shoulder and finds it endearing.

Next to the telephone, there’s a whole wall of salvaged pictures in mismatched frames. There’s a handful of people there he’ll never get to see again, whose voice he’ll never hear again. Some of them were gone way before They came, but some other, he just couldn’t save.

There’s a shift all around him, reality sets in, the strangeness of it. Danny deployed, Steve pining for his boyfriend, unable to help, still convalescent from his various wounds.

“Did they test you already?” Steve blurts out, unable to rein it all in, profoundly aware of how these things go, it is after all what he does as a “hobby” since Danny went; get as much information as he can on the situation. He couldn’t pretend the test wasn’t happening at some point, all people who present the gene and are clearly not wash-outs, are tested. Danny was bound to get tested as soon as the alliance could get their hands on him. His background as a LEO is a huge asset that can’t go ignored.

There’s a small fraction of a second where the line goes silent, and then it connects again.

“Yeah, yeah, no, sure, I mean, yeah. I got tested. A bunch of us did.”

Steve frowns, that’s Danny deflection 101.

“How was it?”

One more time, the line goes silent for less than a second.

“Hmm, uhmm, babe, look, I’m pretty sure this call’s been monitored and as you know we can’t really discuss… the process: it’s classified.”

Steve huffs. He hates that ultimately, he can’t truly know, because he’s not there.

“Sucks been told that, huh?” Steve rolls his eyes, trust Danny to keep grudges alive

for the better part of a decade. “Can’t believe it took a major world-wide disaster to get you back on that one.” Danny tries to keep it light, but even before he says it, Steve knows whatever Danny comments will fall flat.

There’s a short silence where neither of them talks, and Steve can hear the hub dub behind Danny—wherever he is. It sounds familiar in a disorienting way.

On more the one occasion he had told someone from outside to not purposefully make it hard on his team guys. His stomach clenches, and Steve takes a deep breath as he racks his brain for safe topics to talk about.

“How about the food? We can talk about that, right?” He exhales after the last word, ordering his body to relax.

Danny clicks his tongue. He knows what Steve’s up to, and he’s game.

“Oh, yes, we can! I don’t know what’s the deal with these guys, one week everything is delicious and hearty, makes you want to go for seconds and thirds, some seasoning has been so inspired it I use my free time trying to figure out the recipes.”

A distant memory flashes behind Steve’s eyes, Danny cooking back in Pikoii street, barefoot and carefree. Steve sniffs against his will and has to cover his mouth with the back of his hand as to not disturb Danny.

“And then for a few days or a whole week, bland crap, gruel, Steven, veritable gruel—makes me want to go in an involuntary diet. Yuck.”

Steve swallows thickly. “Sounds like regular military experience if you ask me, in fact, above regular, all I ate was gruel for the first four years of my service.”

“Nu-uh! Impossible, I know from a good source you were happy to eat rations in the comfort of your own home when good steak was readily available.”

Steve swallows again, tears spilling over his hands.

“It was Italian food actually,” he croaks.

“Even worse, babe, you’re really not helping your case.”

“What can I say, I get nostalgic sometimes.” He trips mentally on the nostalgia and a sob slips past his tight emotional control.

Danny sighs. Heartbroken as well.

“Babe, babe, Steve. I’m sorry, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he sniffs.

“I know I just mean…”

“I know, I’m sorry too.”

“Look, I don’t mean to beat you while you’re down…” Danny trails off, but Steve can connect the dots.

“Basic training is extending then? You gonna be a specialist now?”

“Ugh, you’re killing me Steven. It’s cla—no, you know what, fuck this shit, whoever is out there screening my calls, you listen to me you son of a bitch,” Danny yell-whispers to the third party on the line. “I’m talking with my boyfriend right now, who I would have married if not for the giant clusterfuck we are all living through right now, he’s the father of my children and my best friend, so I’ll tell him whatever the fuck I want, you censor this call and I swear I’ll hunt you down and bash your head in, you hear me?!”

Steve chuckles wetly, this is the hothead he loves.

There's a soft clicking sound in the background. It sounds definitive. So, he chooses to believe the censor’s gone.

“You would have married me, huh?”

“Of course.”

“What if I said no.”

“Pfft, please, you were a sure thing.” Steve wants to protest, but Danny keeps talking

over him. “Look, now that the censor is gone. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“What?” Steve rushes to ask, fearing the worst.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. What else?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you more. What else?”

“I already made it through basic and I’m being fast-tracked to pilot.”

Even though he suspected, having confirmation is like a punch to the lungs. No wonder the censor left, a pilot has different privileges, a pilot scares people away, even if they’re being hoisted as the only chance they have left.

“Steve, you there?”

“You’ve never been one to pull your punches.”

“No, I haven’t. Which is why, once I’m done with that I’ll be coming home for a whole month, okay?” Danny pleads, “I got special leave. I’ll be home for Christmas, okay?”

For Steve, it’s like the world’s ending all over again. The future path folding in on itself in front of him, rearranging into a yawning void made of the fearful and the unknown.

Christmas.

Christmas is only two months away. He can foresee his life up until Christmas. He can push through to that.

“Christmas it is.” He sniffles again.

“Yeah, Christmas. Look, I still have about five minutes on the line, why don’t you tell me about the kids, they adjusting well?”

More tears run down his face, but he talks. About homework, about tantrums, about movie nights, about burnt popcorn, about the kids begging to get a dog, about shortages of chocolate and coffee, about going insane with the bickering and the meaningless fights, about never doing so much laundry in his life, the herb garden Charlie and Nahele are doing together as a school project, Grace’s dissertation and newfound interest in nursing. Steve talks and talks, enough to carry Danny home, safe and sound, only two months away.

–

*beams* I’ve been wanting to expand this little verse forever, thank you again! :D

[you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus]

Cyrus’ Dictionary

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 12 || 13 || 14

Summary: Cyrus has always been good with words; there’s a reason English is his favorite subject. But with TJ, he seems to be at a loss for words. When they get paired up for a summer assignment, Cyrus slowly starts to build a new dictionary. One that involves TJ and everything they do together. Along the way, maybe he’ll find the words to tell him how he feels.

Chapter 14: Querencia

Word Count: 4570

Read on AO3

A soft pattering of rain tapped against Cyrus’ window, crescendoing and getting softer at random intervals. Cyrus was eventually made aware of this, but didn’t want to open his eyes. He felt warm, safe, and a little lethargic, so he wasn’t in the mood for moving. But once he opened his eyes, boy was he glad he did.

TJ, snoring softly, lips slightly parted, was mere inches away from him. He looked like an absolute angel, and Cyrus had to remind himself that staring was impolite. But he’s asleep, so how would he know?  He took his hand out from under the covers, reaching out and brushing a lock of the other boy’s hair out of his face. It was soft, delicate, and Cyrus thought if he even breathed, he would shatter this moment. He wanted to be bold, to lean in a little and give him even a quick peck on his head, but that would be weird, right? Wanting to kiss your best friend?

He sighed, pushing off the covers with his legs and being careful not to wake TJ. Swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, he felt a rush of blood from his head, shutting his eyes for a moment to regain his senses. Standing up, he tugged the covers to make sure that TJ was warm, grabbed his robe, and quietly padded down the stairs.

Leslie was already there, making breakfast when Cyrus arrived. “Morning,” he yawned, stretching his arms.

“Morning sweetie,” she greeted with a quick peck on his head, “how’d you sleep?”

“Good,” he mumbled through a bite of toast, “so, listen. I know this is going to sound weird, but TJ’s upstairs,” he started, “he came over last night, and, well,” he sighed, setting the food down, “he told his mom that he was gay, and he kind of left,”

Leslie seemed to reply with a sad smile. “That’s terrible. No child should ever have to go through that,” she murmured, putting a few more slices of bread into the toaster.

“And I sort of let him stay here overnight. . .and I’m not sure when he plans to go back, but, is it okay if he stays here for a while? I just, I wanna make sure he’s going to be safe before he goes back,”

Leslie smiled, buttering the toast and putting it on a plate. “Of course,” she agreed, handing the plate to Cyrus, “give him some breakfast, okay? Make sure he eats something,”

“I will, thanks,” he returned, climbing the stairs again. Entering the room, he saw that TJ was still asleep, so he set the plate on the nightstand, and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

“TJ, wake up,” he whispered, gently nudging him awake. TJ groaned, mumbling in his sleep.

I love you too. You’re so cute.

Cyrus felt his cheeks go red hot. He’s dreaming, he reminded himself, touching his hands to his cheeks in an attempt to cool them down. “TJ, c’mon, it’s time to get up,”

This time TJ reached his arms above his head, taking in a deep breath and puffing it out. His eyes fluttered open, revealing his brilliant green eyes once again. Cyrus really needed so have some self-control; soon he’d be getting lost in those eyes.

“Morning,” TJ mumbled, taking note of his surroundings, “wh-oh,” he remembered, a frown marking his face profoundly.

“I brought you breakfast,” Cyrus offered, handing him the toast.

TJ shook his head. “Not my meal. I’m not hungry,”

Cyrus persisted. “You are hungry, but you being upset is hindering that. Happens,” he explained, shoving the plate towards TJ, “just a few bites, please? I promise you’ll feel better,”

TJ scowled, tentatively holding the piece of bread that he thought would crumble before his very eyes with another touch. “Fine,” he grumbled, tearing off a piece and popping it in his mouth.

“So,” Cyrus started, flopping back onto the bed, “what should we do today? Probably can’t go to the park or anything, considering it’s been raining,”

“We can always invite people over and hang out as a group,” TJ suggested, finishing off his breakfast, “I don’t think we’ve hung out as a group in a while,”

Cyrus nodded in agreement, pulling out his phone and texting the groupchat.

journalism junkies

[cyrus: hey do u guys wanna come over at like 6 to hang out?]

“How are you feeling?” Cyrus asked, as if he was a doctor. He reached out, putting his hand on top of TJ’s, awakening a surge of butterflies trapped in his gut,

TJ shrugged, kicking the covers off. “Okay, as much as I can,” he admitted, trying to brush it off. He worried that he’d start crying all over again if he opened this wound again.

“You deserve the world, you know,” Cyrus mumbled, rubbing TJ’s hand with his thumb, “I’m really sorry about all this. My mom said that you could stay with us as long as you needed,”

TJ shook his head, rubbing his eyes with his hands; he really missed Cyrus’ touch in that moment. “I don’t want to impose on you guys,” he murmured bashfully, “I’ll go back really soon, I swear,”

Cyrus abruptly sat up, feeling the blood rush again; he had to stop doing that. “Are you insane? I’m not letting you go back until I know you’re going to be safe,” he said firmly, crossing his legs.

TJ waved him off, dismissing him as though he’d just apologized for bumping into him. “She’s not gonna hit me, Cy, I’ll be okay,” he promised him, but he didn’t mean the last part. I’ll be okay. Would he though? Not even he knew the answer to that.

“Okay, you’ll be fine physically, but what about emotionally? Teej, I don’t want you to have to suffer through living with her,” Cyrus worried, his teeth grazing his upper lip.

“I can’t just leave Amber alone,” he informed the other boy, shaking his head.

“Tell her she can come too,” Cyrus offered blindly, putting a hand on TJ’s shoulder,

TJ shook his head, placing his hand on top of Cyrus’. “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t have you just taking us in. It’s not fair to you,” he pointed out. Cyrus looked hurt at that, but TJ knew it was the truth; he already felt guilty that Cyrus was being so generous and letting him stay for a little while, but having him help Amber too. . .the guilt would consume him whole.

Cyrus frowned, gingerly removing his hand from TJ’s touch, and letting it fall into his lap. “I just. . .I wish there was actually something I could do,” he whined, screwing his eyes shut.

TJ placed a hand on Cyrus’ arm, using his free hand to lift the other boy’s chin. “You are doing something. Just you existing is enough, you know. I can be me around you, and that’s more than I can say about anyone. You’re the only person I can talk to like this. You’re…Cyrus you’re everything to me,” TJ admitted, feeling like his body was being pulled towards Cyrus’. Try and explain that one, physics.

Cyrus started leaning in, and for a split second, TJ thought he was going to faint or wake up from a dream where things ended happily and romantically. Instead, Cyrus pulled him in for a hug, rubbing circles into his back. It still felt really nice, having someone here for him.

“You are my everything, you know that? Without you,” he pulled back, lacing his hands with TJ’s, “I don’t even know who I’d be,”

Hot, hot, hot, hot. Fire. Warm. Heat. TJ comprehended what Cyrus had said, but all he could focus on was the budding heat between them. It was like they were a match and a matchbox, lighting each other aflame whenever they were together.

[andi: i’m down and so is amber!]

[walker: im there]

[jonah: if walker is coming, i’ll def b there]

[marty: party time laid ease]

[buffy: hm fine]

Smiling at his phone, Cyrus shut it off again, putting it aside. “They’ll be here at six,”

TJ nodded, rolling off the bed and grabbing his clothes. “I’ll change in the bathroom. Wouldn’t wanna give you a heart attack,” he joked, turning his back on a very flushed Cyrus. Shaking his head, the boy reached into the drawer of his nightstand, and pulled out his journal. He didn’t need help with this word.

querencia: a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self

He shut it quickly, slipping it back into the drawer. Lord knows what would happen if TJ saw it and flicked through a few pages; it would progressively get worse, he mused. Shaking his head clear of negative thoughts, he sifted through his closet to get ready for the day.

“Left foot blue!” Marty called out over the music, struggling to contain his laughter as Cyrus, Buffy, and TJ all scrambled to try and move their legs. They looked like a tangled mess, each of them in a position that nobody would ever call natural.

TJ bumped Cyrus foot as they went for the same spot, and both of them came crashing down, ending up on top of one another. A chorus of gasps and ‘oohs’ swept through their friend group, effectively making their cheeks redder than the red dots on the Twister tarp. Cyrus giggles, sending TJ into a fit of laughter as well, both of them crawling off of the mat, and leaving Buffy alone.

“I win!” she cheered, collapsing to the ground with a soft thud, “I knew I’d beat you guys,”

“The modest Buffy Driscoll, ladies and gentlemen,” TJ teased, chuckling softly.

“What should we do now?” Walker asked, folding up the Twister tarp.

“Ooh, we could play paranoia! I’ve always wanted to play, but there’s never been enough people,” Jonah suggested, motioning for people to get into a circle.

“How do you play?” Amber chimed in, crossing her legs.

“Okay, so basically, you ask the person to your left a question, so like I would ask Andi,” he explained, “and you whisper a question in their ear, but the answer has to be a person. So like, if I would ask her ‘who has the prettiest hair’, she’d answer out loud,”

“Amber,” she replied, grinning like an idiot.

“But you guys don’t know what the question was,” he continued, “but you could! We flip a coin after Andi answers; heads she spills the question, tails she doesn’t,”

“Okay, but why is it called paranoia?” Marty wondered aloud.

“Because people are paranoid when other people say their name, but don’t know the question. For all the know, it could be ‘who would you kill’,” Jonah mused, shaking his head, “that probably won’t happen. Wanna play?”

Everyone agreed that this would be a fun way to pass the time, save for Buffy who was still riding the high of winning Twister. And even after Marty explained to her that there were no winners or losers of this game, she wasn’t totally convinced, even though she agreed to play.

“I’ll go first,” Andi chirped, turning towards Buffy and whispering a question in her ear.

Who is most likely to cry at movies?

Buffy snorted, crossing her arms. “That’s easy. Cyrus,”

Cyrus perked up, hearing his name. “Ooh, drama,” he exclaimed giddily, clapping his hands together.

Buffy rolled her eyes, pulling out a coin from her pocket and flipping it. All eyes were on the coin as it rolled on its side, and then landed on heads. A whisper of ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ filled the room, a few people eyeing Cyrus.

“I asked her who would be most like to cry at movies,” Andi piped, up, smiling sympathetically, “sorry Cyrus,”

Cyrus crossed his arms in mild annoyance, tilting his head up. “I just happen to be a little emotional,” he huffed.

TJ reached over Amber and patted him on the shoulder. “We know. It’s endearing,” he mumbled, earning what may have been the most incredulous look from Amber.

“Okay my turn,” Buffy cut in, turning towards Cyrus and asking him his question.

Who would you go watch a scary movie with?

“TJ,” Cyrus said with confidence. Jonah gave him a knowing look but Cyrus chose to ignore it. He flipped the coin, and it landed on heads. Suddenly he felt a lot less confident about his choice.

“I asked him who he would watch a scary movie with,” Buffy cooed, poking Cyrus’ side, while he attempted to swat her away.

TJ felt pairs of eyes staring him down. His face was an unnatural shade of pink, and he prayed that this awkwardness would die out soon.

“Because he’d warn me when all the bad part come,” Cyrus cut in, as if he could read TJ’s thoughts, “and he’d buy me popcorn,” he added, dissolving all tension in the room as people cracked up.

Cyrus leaned over and asked Amber her question.

Who would you trust with anything?

“. . .TJ, I guess,” she mumbled, taking the coin and flipping it. This time, however, it landed on tails, and everyone groaned. Everyone, that is, except for Amber, who couldn’t help but smirk.

“Alright, TJ,” Amber rubbed her hands together, her nose wrinkling up when she smiled, “your turn,”

Who is someone you have something important to tell?

TJ looked like he was going to leap at her throat, he he managed to maintain his cool. Trying to act nonchalant, he leaned back on his hands, saying “Cyrus,” in the most casual tone.

Amber looked at him as if she’d just won the lottery. Handing the coin to TJ, she watched as he flipped the coin. . .and it landed on tails. “For fuck’s sake,” she muttered, giving him a gentle shove, as he was giggling now.

“Boo hoo, Bambi didn’t get her way,” he toyed, leaning over to Walker.

Who is the most trustworthy person?

“Jonah, obviously,” he replied, blowing him a kiss, which Jonah happily ‘caught’.

Walker flipped the coin, which landed on heads. “I think you’re the most trustworthy person,”

“Aw,” Jonah cooed, smiling so hard his dimples looked like crevices in the earth.

“It’s true,” Cyrus chimed in, giving him a knowing look before turning his attention back to the game. It didn’t go unnoticed by TJ, who lingered on this for a moment. Why was Jonah the most trustworthy to Cyrus? Was he not trustworthy enough? Was he embarrassed to admit it if it were him? Ah, the lovely process of overthinking.

“My turn,” Walker piped up, turning to Marty.

Who do you wanna travel the world with?

Walker pulled back, crossing his arms proudly and waiting for a name to fill the room.

“TJ,”

Well, not that name. Walker gawked at him, his gaze flitting over to Buffy for a split second before he shook his head. “Oh. Okay,”

The rest of the group looked confused and bubbling with excitement, all at once. Buffy appeared unfazed, TJ was on edge, and the girls looked like they were barely paying attention. Walker handed Marty the coin, who flipped it with the utmost care. It rattled on the ground, rolling on its edge until it landed on heads.

Oh no.

Walker swallowed, picking up the coin and playing with it in his hands. “I-uh, well, I asked him who he’d. . .want to travel the world with,” he said quietly, his cheeks going hot.

Marty didn’t flinch, instead lifting his head to meet Buffy’s eyes. “Yup,” he stated, popping the ‘p’ at the end.

Everyone tensed up. TJ felt like he was going to be the subject of an interrogation. He bowed his head, not willing to make eye contact with people. Cyrus did the same, but for different reasons. He felt like part of his heart was being torn out, and he didn’t even know why.

“What about Buffy?” Jonah piped in, and TJ wanted to just pull him out of the room. Sweet Jonah, ever the oblivious one.

Marty didn’t bat an eye, narrowing his gaze. “I don’t think she’d want to travel the world with someone that she doesn’t like,” he spat, watching her face contort into one of confusion.

“I never said that!” she shot back, crossing her arms, “I said I-”

“-doesn’t matter,” he cut her off, waving his hand to dismiss her, and clearing his throat.

Andi looked between them, before clapping her hands together. “Next question?” she suggested, and Walker passed the coin along. Marty turned towards Jonah, scowling.

Who is most likely to fall in love with their best friend?

“Oh, Cyrus,” Jonah answered smoothly, turning his gaze towards his friend. Cyrus didn’t even seem phased; his feelings felt so overwhelming that it was almost as if he was numb and on high alert at the same time.

Jonah took the coin from Walker, and flipped it. He groaned when it landed on tails, but he shrugged it off, passing the coin down. Cyrus was beginning to understand why the game was called paranoia.

Jonah turned towards Andi, asking her her question.

Who would you wanna switch lives with for a week?

Andi thought about it for a moment, looking around at her group of friends before finally saying “Amber,”

The blonde perked up at that, her eyes lighting up like a fire. She waited for Andi to flip the coin, which, fortunately, landed on heads.

“I asked her who she wanted to switch lives with for a week,” Jonah supplied.

Amber’s smile quickly faltered. “What?” she asked, “why would you wanna switch lives with me of all people? My mom sucks,”

Andi shrugged, knitting her hands together. “I know, I just wanna see what it’s like in your shoes,” she admitted, earning a few coos from the crowd, “plus, I’d probably get to listen to TJ talk about Cyrus,” she blurted out, clapping her hand over her mouth after she’d said it.

The room fell silent; even the music they were playing had stopped. Cyrus looked like he was going to cry, and TJ was worried that if his face went any redder, he’d burst. The rest of the crew looked around, trying to survive through this awkward bout.

“I mean, like, in a normal friend way,” Andi added quickly, but there really was no use in her saying anything else. What was said was said, and there was no way she could take it back.

Cyrus dug fingers into his palms, trying, in vain, to distract himself from what was going on. Everything seemed to be falling apart right before his eyes; not just things with TJ, but everything with Buffy and Marty. . .it all felt like too much. He could feel his eyes burning, his lower lip start to wobble, and his breathing becoming shallow. Before he could break down right there and then, he quickly stood up, bolting towards the bathroom, and shutting the door. He locked it, sliding down the door and holding his head in his hands.

“Cyrus?” there was a knock on the door, and then a voice. Andi’s voice.

“Go away,” he snapped, but there was very little edge to his voice.

“Cyrus, please let me in,” she pleaded, her hand on the doorknob. Cyrus rolled his eyes, even though she couldn’t see her, but he moved away from the door, unlocking it. She pushed through, and shut the door behind her.

“What do you want?” he retorted, crossing his arms.

“I’m sorry,” she started, her voice small and meek, “I didn’t mean to bring up you and TJ and-”

“-and my silly, stupid-ass crush on him, I get it. I fucking get it that it’s pointless because he probably likes Marty or some shit like that,” he spat, the curse words tasting a little strange. He never really used them, and heck, he usually reprimanded people for using them.

Andi looked taken aback, her eyes softening. “That’s. . .not what I mean at all. Marty?”

Cyrus glowered at her. “Travel the world, don’t you remember?”

“Oh,” Andi mumbled, “I don’t think he really meant that,” she tried to soothe him, reaching out her hand, but Cyrus pushed it away.

“Oh, really? How the hell do you know that, hm?” he grumbled, “you don’t,”

“Cyrus, please,” she tried, but he cut her off.

“No Andi,” he interrupted, looking like he was on the verge of tears, “I’m done with this. I’m done letting you guys convince me that there’s something else between me and TJ. I’m breaking my own heart loving him. For the longest fucking time, I was torn between holding on to what you were promising and accepting the reality that it wouldn’t happen,” he choked out.

“Cyrus, Marty and TJ aren’t-”

Cyrus put a hand up. “You don’t have to say it, Andi,” he said softly, “I care about him so much. and you know what people say about love; you do whatever is best for someone else even if it doesn’t include you” he whispered, his voice weak, and his eyes threatening to spill over with tears. Andi tried to say something, but Cyrus got up off of the floor, and left the bathroom.

He looked around for Amber, but he didn’t see her. Walker and Buffy were over by one of the couches talking, presumably about what had happened. Andi had walked over to Jonah, and her mouth was moving so fast that Cyrus couldn’t keep up with what she was saying. And, near the back of the room, were TJ and Marty. They were talking, yes, but when TJ pulled Marty in for a hug, Cyrus felt so small. He wanted the ground to come alive and swallow him whole. He wanted to block that out from his mind, but he knew that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. Cyrus shook his head, running up the stairs and into his bedroom, shutting the door. He really didn’t to cry, but it felt like he didn’t have a choice.

Grabbing his journal, he started to write.

6/29

Today I invited all my friends over to hang out. We were playing paranoia, and then Buffy and Marty started to argue about their relationship. That wasn’t even the worst; Andi brought up me and TJ, and I just felt so exposed. I really didn’t want people to know about my feelings for him, but now I feel like they will. Things with Marty and TJ escalated, and I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more there. Andi tried to tell me that there isn’t anything there, but I don’t believe that. This is why I always want to lock all my emotions away. Because the moment I let them loose, I fall hard. I fall with no one there to catch me, so I hit the pavement and shatter.

Some of his writing had smudged, as a result of his tears. TJ and Marty’s names blurred into one blob. How fitting, he thought. His phone buzzed a few times, and he opened them, out of habit.

[amber: went home. hope things are okay <3]

[jb: walker n i left, lmk if u need anything]

[slayer: see u tmrw, cy, ily. sorry about the fighting]

[marty party: went home dude, hope everything’s fine]

[andi another thing: cyrus im so sorry about what i said. im going home, but i really want things to be okay with us. i love u]

Putting it back on his nightstand, he lied down on his bed, putting the palms of his hands on his eyes. There was a soft knock at the door, and then it opened. Why knock if you’re going to come in anyways? Cyrus wondered, sitting up.

“Hey,” TJ said softly, shutting the door, “you okay? You kind of disappeared,”

Cyrus really didn’t want to talk about it; he especially didn’t want to talk about it with TJ because he’d probably explode with feelings. And that was exactly what he wanted not to happen.

“I’m fine,” he snipped, clearly lying. TJ frowned, taking a seat on the bed with Cyrus.

“Okay,” he replied worriedly, “. . .do you wanna do something else?”

“Why don’t you go ask Marty,” Cyrus drawled, “I’m sure he’d love to do something with you,”

“What are you talking about?” TJ asked, “what do you mean?”

“Why don’t you lovebirds go travel the world together,” Cyrus suggested, bowing his head down.

“Oh,” TJ mumbled, remembering, “that’s nothing, really.”

Cyrus didn’t respond, instead remaining fixated on one spot on the floor.

“It’s. . .stuff with Marty and Buffy,” TJ explained, earning a nod from Cyrus.

“Ah, yes. Love and not love,” Cyrus mused, lying down on the bed. TJ leaned back as well, both of them now staring at the ceiling.

“Marty’s just pissed because he feels like his relationship with Buffy is in shambles,” TJ sighed, running a hand through his hair, “don’t tell him I told you that,”

Cyrus nodded, miming zipping his lips. “I think I’m going to turn in early,”

TJ bopped his head, getting up off of the bed and sifting through his bag.

“Hey TJ?”

“Hm?”

“What did Amber ask you earlier? When you said my name?” he asked, propping himself up on his elbows.

TJ felt his face heat up again, as he pulled out his pajamas. “Oh, uh, she asked me. . .who I had something important to say to,” he winced, hoping Cyrus wouldn’t press on.

“Oh, really? What is it?” Cyrus asked, suddenly feeling more alert.

TJ pretended to yawn, stretching his arms up above his head. “Can we talk about it tomorrow? I’m kinda tired,” he said, shifting his focus to his pajamas again. He hated lying to Cyrus, but he really didn’t want to get into this tonight.

“Oh, yeah,” Cyrus mumbled, disappointed, “totally,” he added, scooting over to the opposite side of the bed, and patting the spot next to him.

TJ crawled into the bed, frowning at the added space between him and Cyrus. He knew they weren’t fighting, exactly, but he could still sense something. He turned to face Cyrus, and sure enough, Cyrus turned to meet his eyes as well. God, he looked beautiful.

“What?” Cyrus asked softly, bringing his hand under his head.

“. . .nothing,” TJ whispered, smiling weakly, “night, Cy,”

“Night, TJ,” Cyrus mumbled, tugging the covers up and shutting his eyes.

TJ reached down off the bed and grabbed his phone from out of his bag. Sure enough, he had a text from Amber.

[andi’s girlfriend: jesus are things between you and cyrus okay?]

[Me: yeah, things are good.  how are things at home w/ mom?]

[andi’s girlfriend: weird. it’s weird not having u here]

[Me: whats she saying about me?]

[andi’s girlfriend: nothing really. she’s acting like nothing happened]

[Me: figures. i’ll see u tmrw?]

[andi’s girlfriend: night tj. i love u (and so does cyrus skdjfhdsj)]

[Me: love you too (platonically)]

TJ dropped his phone back into his bag and turned so that he was facing Cyrus. He was already asleep, his knees up in his chest, his breathing soft and slow.

“I love you, Cy,” TJ whispered into the night, pressing a kiss to his own fingers, and lightly touching Cyrus’ temple. Smiling, he tugged on the covers, and shut his own eyes, letting fatigue overcome him.

Tag List: @shortstackofpeaches || @seanna313 || @geekingbeautytx || @heavenlybyers || @ginnychrises|| @wlwandimack || @giocondasstuff || @lemonboytyrus || @adorejrizzle || @swingsetboys || @ifellintotyrushell || @idk-dude-17 || @rbf-lesbian || @marianara-sauce || @kaptainjinxz || @alex-poster-pizz || @quietmarvel || @blueberry-my-hero-macadamia || @broadwayitbitch || @tjsmuffin || @tjthekippen || @idpleasesir || @hi-hello-hey-there || @bingewatchingenthusiast|| @booklove-2 || @illbeyourreasonwhy || @birdiesandflowers || @whistlepunk || @phinallyjackie || @thedampjofangirl || @tyrus4eva || @tj-is-a-lemony-boy || @tj-goodman-bittersweet-boy || @dis-app-oin-tme-nt || @nessarinthegay || @breadisticks || @typewriter-riz || @gobletofash || @bluemuffinboy || @sofuuh || @cheesystars || @tjmuffin || @multifandom-bxitch || @allylovessadie || @hithatsmyname || @tyrusinarush || @tyrus-lookback || @gaycefulwords || @theobligatedklutz || @bambikippen ||

[krixwell-liveblogs]

Check out this post. Wildbow talks about his life on reddit. This explains so much about Taylor’s school experience. No Worm spoilers

This sounds interesting. I’ve frequently wondered about how Wildbow’s life shaped this story.

Let’s take a look.

Redditors who have opted out of a standard approach to life (study then full time work, mortgage etc), please share your stories. What are the best and worst things about your lifestyle, and do you have any regrets?

Well, the title is already intriguing.

Hermit writer here.

Born hard of hearing, went to a regular school. Struggled in middle school. Struggled in high school. Kids who were in my class in kindergarten were in my classes all the way through to grade ten, with the elementary/middle school and high school being a stone's throw from one another.

I kind of knew about the hard of hearing bit already. I can’t find the ask that told me about it, though (it was probably before I stopped using screenshots for asks).

So far this sounds relatively normal, except for that part. But I’m guessing he’s going to elaborate a bit on the struggles surrounding his school life and hearing problems?

In grade 10, after years of bullying and a peer group that had established who was 'in' and who was 'out' when I was knee-high, tired of struggling, I was walking down the halls and I found myself wondering when the last time I'd even opened my mouth in school was.

Oh wow.

I stopped dead in my tracks, just paralyzed by loneliness. I asked myself what the point was, couldn't come up with an answer, resumed walking, went out the side door of the school and went home.

This clearly parallels a few of the last times we saw Taylor at Winslow High.

The start of me just not going to school for that entire year. Nobody noticed.

Damn. He really did write all that from experience. It took a while for Taylor’s absence to get noted, too.

Taylor’s absence getting noted at all actually seems like a fantasy compared to this.

I got caught at the end of the year, did the same thing the next year, got caught only at the end.

What the hell sort of attendance routines did this school have? Clearly not good ones.

Ended up going to an Alternative school (Self study), proved to myself that I had it in me when I got 3 years of studying done in 8 months, won two awards... and then had to go back to my old school for what was essentially grade 13, where I struggled.

Huh. Well done.

People learn in very different ways. Some people can do this much more effectively than learning in a group. Some people are like me and can’t make themselves keep up the effort required to self study, or learn better from lectures than reading.

Some people learn by observing their surroundings while flying.

I worked retail and found it fine. But family wanted me to go to University and figure myself out.

I’m currently working retail, taking a break from the educational system and buying time to figure out what to study.

I went to University and I struggled.

Guys, I’m sensing a theme here.

I spent a long, long time trying to figure out why I struggled, why I was tired all the time, and it took a kind of confluence of events before I realized what should've been obvious. I found the social stuff hard and I was exhausted after a day of listening because I'm severely to profoundly deaf.

Oh yeah, that makes a ton of sense. It’s like how focusing is exhausting when you have trouble doing that, how reading without glasses you need tires out your eyes and brain, etc.

Honestly, it’s a little surprising that I haven’t (explicitly) met a hard of hearing character in Worm yet. Maybe later? Oh wait, there was that deaf waitress at the villain pub in Hive.

Beyond that, the 'path' just isn't for me. The systems and institutions just grind me down. The idea of a 9 to 5 is death to me. These things are built and streamlined for the average person, and between disability and a fairly extreme degree of introversion, I'm far from that average.

That is very fair. There’s definitely a brand of ableism in that system.

In the end, I stepped off the path. I'd been writing a thing online as a side project and the reception was good, so I decided to leave school earlier than planned, use the savings I had, stretch things as far as I could, and work when I could (with a family friend when he needed the help and had the cash to spare, doing some landscaping, drywall installation, house painting, all prepping houses for sale in a boom market) to stretch things further.

This would be too early for that thing online to be Worm, right?

It just occurred to me that I have no idea how old Wildbow is.

And I wrote as seriously as I could while people close to me told me that I didn't deserve to 'get lucky' and have the writing work out because I hadn't seen University all the way through, or openly expressed doubts and disappointments.

Yikes.

Fuck that noise. Writing is tons of effort!

But you know, it worked out in the end. I wrote the equivalent of 20 books in 2.4 years, wrote another 10 for my next series in the ensuing 1.2 years, and I've kept up a similar pace over the last 7 years and two months.

Especially when you’re this coddamn productive!

That’s 8.33 books a year!

I started writing mid- 2011, left school at the start of 2012, went full-time-paying-the-bills in 2014 with an income around minimum wage. I moved to a small town (no car, nothing fancy) that same year. I'm now closer to the average Canadian wage. It's been two chapters a week (2.5 if crowdfunding money is enough) since the beginning.

Oh, I suppose that means it would be Worm after all.

When was this written... huh, yesterday? Well, that explains why this hasn’t been sent to me before.

Writing being Wildbow’s only/main income makes me feel even more right about my decision to set things up so that some of the money from my Patreon goes to Wildbow. It’s not that big a portion of his income (apparently average Canadian wage is 986 CAD or 755 USD per week, and I chip in with about 3.26 CAD or 2.50 USD per week), but it’s something.

My reality: I can go a week or two without really talking to anyone that isn't a cashier.

Sounds a bit lonely in the long run, but as a fellow introvert (or maybe I’m an ambivert, in the systems where that’s actually a thing), I get it - it also does sound pretty good. Especially if you’ve got internet people to casually interact with at your own leisure.

Every two months or so I go to a relative's to dogsit while they're on vacation or to see someone for their birthday, and that gives me most of my fill of socialization and companionship.

Nice!

I don't have a car, so it's usually walking or taking the train to another city, and using public transpo there. I subsisted on a rice and beans diet for a good stretch, one $15 video game bought in a year, and my level of expenses hasn't really risen that much from that point. I eat better and buy a couple more things, but nothing major.

So I guess this would be somewhere between average and reserved?

I don’t know. Being Norwegian spoils me on these things.

60%+ of what I earn goes to savings, which gives me security when my income could fluctuate or disappear at any time.

Oh, that’s smart. I suppose writing would be a bit of a risky business, what with writer’s block, audience fluctuations, sudden drops in popularity because something you wrote didn’t go over as well as you thought it would, etc.

My schedule is entirely my own, which usually amounts to 2.5 15+ hour workdays a week and another 5-10 hours a week spent managing community, finances, and exchanging emails with tv/movie studios, publishers or startups.

I was going to talk about the long but few workdays, but tv/movie studios excuse me what

Is a TV series version of something Wildbow wrote (Worm or otherwise) a serious possibility right now?? :o

Best things - I love what I do. I love creating, I love my reader's tears, I love my readers being horrified.

This is really important. You gotta enjoy what you do.

I get to make monsters and be surprised by what my characters do. Many of my fans are just the absolute coolest people - people I'm now insanely glad to have met and include in my life. There's amazing fanart of my work out there, music, people have gotten tattoos. Tattoos. That's insane.

People have permanently, painfully painted their appreciation of your work into their bodies, Wildbow!

The bad- I'm an online content creator, and it's impossible to convey just how toxic the toxic elements of a fandom can get and how negative the negative aspects can get, and how much it can affect you.

That is true. There will always be a toxic side, and I can imagine works like Worm would attract a lot of the edgy sort.

I've seen 20 online content creators either break down or remark on the effect it has, and it's wholly accurate- and my audience isn't even ~that~ large.

Yeah, it doesn’t take that many people to start brewing fandom sides like this.

This is multiplied by the fact that writing is lonely as a profession (I know too many writers who can't even talk to their life partners about their work) and it can be hard to find perspective or balance as you take it all in, when you don't have people to communicate with.

Robert Jordan used his wife as a beta reader or editor of sorts. She was there to tell him when something he wrote didn’t quite come across, to make up for the fact that he couldn’t tell. After all, he knew what he meant by that one line.

On a similar note, some casual dating would be nice, and living in a small town for economical reasons doesn't leave me with a large dating pool, and at this point I'm not even sure if I could or should inflict myself on someone.

Oof.

There are way too many people who think like that. I hope you find happiness with someone who sees you for the good bean you are, Wildbow.

I'm healthy, groomed, I can hold a conversation, I'm just pretty set in my introverted ways.

...relatable, though.

But still, I’m pretty sure there are people out there for us, who not only tolerate but appreciate the introvert lifestyle.

Hell, both of my crushes have been very introverted, even compared to myself, so I know those people exist because I’m among them.

On another, less social note, there is the fact that as an online content creator, you can't really take breaks. Or you can, but it costs. Consistency and frequency of updates are god, and a hiatus is a death knell.

No wonder he criticized me on this that one time. In his situation, it matters a lot.

I don't even know what an effective vacation would entail, because I feel like finding my stride again would cost more than I gained from having the break. So it's been seven years and two months without a vacation, writing a short book every month.

Damn.

You deserve so many props, Wildbow.

...at some point here I started talking to Wildbow, just like I do to Taylor and other Worm characters. Well, at least this time there’s actually a chance he’s going to read this sometime, if he hasn’t dropped my blog.

I just hope he doesn’t think it’s weird that I’m liveblogging his life story.

It makes for a very strange sort of burnout, when I love it so much, I can still regularly put out some great work to acclaim and praise, but am nonetheless worn down around the edges.

That does not sound healthy.

No regrets. This is me. This is what I'm built for.

As long as you feel it’s right for you, this is good. :)

I could do with less negativity from some fans and getting regular good nights of sleep (the deafness comes with insomnia by way of terminal tinnitus), but both of those just come with the territory.

Ouch.

I feel you on the sleep front (ADD has its ways of messing with your ability to fall asleep too), but tinnitus sounds like a particularly annoying way to be inflicted with it.

I've been telling family for the last year that I'll move to a city with more going on than (as my elderly neighbor phrased it) drinking and meth, where there's classes to take, a possible dating pool, and/or activities that could break me out of my hermit shell... but my current apartment is amazing and cheap, with the nicest landlords ever. It's just in a do-nothing town. I haven't found anything remotely competitive, even taking 'cheap' off the table.

I’ve lived in small-ish towns all my life. It’s pretty nice, especially as an introvert.

So that's where I'm at.

Thank you, Wildbow. This was an interesting read. I feel like I know you a bit better now. :)

(Again, if you’re reading this, I hope it wasn’t too weird to see me liveblogging this.)

[lowkeyanakin]

d + l for the alphabet ask thingy 💖

hi!!! thank you very much 💙

here we goooo:

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

Canon Anidala, or actual married Anidala in canon divergence. I just can't, canon-wise because Anakin is an asshole and I hate how he acts around her. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable and whenever i read a genfic i always filter out the padmè mentions because NOPE.

aus-wise i just think that fanon padmé who's not unhinged and borderline insane as she is in canon would not marry a mass murderer. and in case anakin has not mass murdered anyone, i just think they work best as best friends.

this said, obianidala is the perfect polycule and i want what they have OH MY GOD we could have had it all.

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Han Solo my beloathed! Apart from all the things I don't like about him, he's actually genuinely hilarious and kind of a genius when it come to fucking around and finding out. I love his relationship with Luke and how he genuinely cares about him.

After ANH he starts to genuinely care full stop, so that's some nice character development we got there!!

thank you very much for asking, send more!!

[free-wheeled-thoughts]

Nietzsche and Christianity

(1) Nietzsche and the Anti-Christ

Nietzsche writes scathingly against the Christian institution.

(1) Christianity as a form of slavery. Christians have, for nearly 2 millennium, deferred to the Catholic Church as THE absolute source of authority in all matters scientific and moral. It seems safe to say that when Nietzsche speaks about Christianity he is usually referencing the Catholic Church, its dogma and its long standing monopoly on what is considered true, good and proper. (2) Jesus as ‘the only true Christian.’ In the implied accusation, Nietzsche raises seriously important questions about how we should approach Jesus as both a historical figure and a religious icon. Nietzsche’s intent in this particular passage is to point out that modern Christians who consider themselves followers of Jesus appear laughably absurd when they say as much: their utterance seems, at the very least, to be cliche. Is it possible to follow Jesus’s teachings? Most definitely and many people do. However, Nietzsche is right (if not banal) to suggest that it is not possible to follow in the actual footsteps of Jesus since to do so would be so profoundly radical as to be unsustainable in today’s world, not to mention altogether impossible without regress to insanity. Any modern person today, when confronted with this dilemma, would unanimously prefer self-interest. Yet, Nietzsche illuminates three pressing questions that come to mind with respect to Jesus and his extremely controversial message: #1 Was Jesus a liar. #2 Was Jesus telling the truth. #3 Was Jesus insane. It seems with reasonable confidence that 1 & 3 can be rejected, on the simple ground that a message which is not true and a message which is imparted by someone who is objectively mentally unstable do not tend to attract the attention of so many people. We are left with #2, Jesus was telling the truth. Unfortunately, there is still a glaring dilemma: whose truth? Further, what truth? The Catholic Church would certainly like to claim (arguably a little absurdly) that it alone has the monopoly on the truth behind Jesus’ message. But millions of Protestants would argue otherwise. In the end, Nietzsche acts as an important messenger for the state of modern Christianity in particular and modern religion in general. In a roundabout way and perhaps unintentionally Nietzsche points out how we moderns have somehow fatally confused the commands ‘be like Christ’ or ‘be Christlike’ with ‘be Christ’ in the same way we have confused the descriptors ‘Jesus the radical’ (Jesus was plainly subversive) with the less controversial ‘Jesus the companion’ (Jesus is my friend). (3) The Christian institution as inimical to mankind’s growth + evolution; the Christian institution as sickness. These two are essentially the same idea but I’ll address them separately. For starters, it’s worth mentioning that Nietzsche’s underlying assumption here is similar that of (1), above: without freedom in general and intellectual freedom in particular Nietzsche claims that it is nearly impossible for an individual to pursue real happiness and well-being. Likewise in denying its members the opportunity, Nietzsche contends that the Christian institution is akin to Grandma’s comfort food: pleasurable but if eaten too regularly fails to produce strong, healthy individuals and can, in fact, actually be destructive of proper growth. I think Nietzsche’s point here is illuminating as a jumping off point but, taken at face value, is somewhat misplaced. Instead of attributing to the Christian religion sickness (a judgement of health), Nietzsche would have done well to demonstrate all the ways - and there are many - in which modern Christianity is an overtly nurturing institution: nurturing human inadequacies to the point of almost justifying them. For example, it seems awfully problematic to assume on the one hand that the pope (definitely a human) is infallible and at the same time humans in general are prone to mistake, error and misjudgment. It has been argued elsewhere (Ratner-Rosenhagen, “American Nietzche’) that Nietzsche’s views on Christianity - including his aggressive attitude toward Jesus ‘Christ’ and the seemingly contradictory aims of the Christian institution - can be explained or at the very least better understood by way of reference to Nietzsche’s own upbringing as the son of a Lutheran (Protestant) preacher and the special circumstances therein which likely informed his worldview. As Ratner-Rosenhagen points out, Nietzsche would have been much less likely to see Christianity or Christ (fully institutionalized in the form of the Catholic Church) as the nemesis that he did, had he been raised Catholic - as opposed to your standard Christian. In case you’re unsure the difference: it’s generally believed by hard-lining Catholics that all Catholics are Christians but not all Christians are Catholics. It’s worth noting that the logic holds. But such logic ultimately seemed to evade Nietzsche.