#they all have daddy issues but I think Johnny has worst daddy issues | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

baddiedaddy7 · 3 years ago

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𝗦𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻 𝗜𝗻 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀🦴❤️‍🩹

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙵𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

some ppl with these placements actually look younger than their age. but then some look like moms/dads when they’re like in their teens lmao. well built cheekbones. dominant jawline, and splendid smile usually. pale for their race. a lot of hair usually(cher has this lol). ppl may not find you approachable, since you may have rbf. overawing, and sphinxlike vibes. alert with their surroundings. can be kind. you may be harsh on yourself, and may not give yourself credit. since saturn rules restrictions, and 1st house expressions, you may be introverted/shy/reserved.

celebrities:Princess Diana, Britney Spears, John Lennon, Kevin Hart

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

don’t play when it comes to clothes, cars, houses, materials in general, and their finances/money. makes smart money moves. may get rich/have luck in the business world when they’re older(like 40s, and up). unpretentious. may like to collect things, and go to antique shops. may like “old” or “vintage” items. may stress over money, and may be cheap tbh. may wear ties a lot lol. i think of businessmen/women for this placement since that may be how you dress. you may also wear clothes that don’t draw much attention, and you may not even wear name brand clothes that often. may like soft smells/smells that aren’t too strong(flower essential oils, vanilla, etc). may love or hate coffee, green veggies, starches, alcohol, and salty food in general. may not like to let ppl borrow things/may be stingy(saturn=restrict, 2nd=money/materials)

celebrities:Ariana Grande, Jennifer Lawrence, Prince, Kanye West

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚍 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

laid back way of talking. i feel like they would have a “demanding” or maybe deep voice lmao. takes school seriously. may be shy when it comes to talking to classmates, or just reserved. probably just sees school to help get a career, and not to make friends. siblings may have capricorn/saturn in their chart. you may be the oldest sibling, or the most reliable. you may be stern, and overprotective with siblings. might have a harsh relationship w/siblings, and neigbors. may isolate from the community. most likely dislikes speaking in front of many ppl/doing presentations. usually respectful.

celebrities:Kylie Jenner, Bjork, Jim Carrey, Steve Jobs

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙵𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

scared of vulnerability, may get disappointed when trying to lean on others, because they are not of much help. daddy/mommy issues(more of daddy tbh), or abandonment issues. may worry a lot abt ppl they love. has it hard in the beginning of life, but makes it to the top. life gets better, but childhood was most likely hard. worried abt finances as a kid when they shouldn’t have, may not have gotten a lot of attention as a kid, and one of the parents or maybe both were workaholics. one parent or both parents may be strict/cold. just needs a lot of affection🥺. may be grateful that their childhood was rough, since it made them a better person. might be an only child. family most likely is traditional and/or religious, maybe too conventional. these ppl are warm yet cold(if that makes sense lmaoo). intelligent more often than not.

celebrities:Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Drake

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙵𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

probably doesn’t know how to let loose, and have a good time! most likely doesn’t want many kids, and/or may have kids in their 30’s+. will most likely make sure they’re financially stable before having kids. may be a wall hugger at parties/just chill on the corner. serious/doesn’t play games, reliable, loyal, and honest in the dating world. children may have capricorn/saturn in their chart(esp the first child). wants the best for their kids. may be strict, and may need to try being more open minded when it comes to parenting. hobbies may be sleeping, reading, working, planning, studying/researching, etc. may like to visit old fashioned places(museums, antique shops, etc). solemn aura. may lose virginity later than usual.

celebrities:Shakira, Dua Lipa, Jim Morrison, Heath Ledger

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚂𝚒𝚡𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

try getting out your comfort zone, every once in awhile. most likely has a routine. judgemental with co-workers. watches health, very closely. may work too much. pets should be independent baddies, and mysterious(so cats mainly, or reptiles). you’re inventive. remember it’s okay to take a break, and do nothing useful at all :)

celebrities:Lady Gaga, Adele, Jimi Hendrix, Eddie Murphy

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚂𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

attracts capricorn’s/ppl with a lot of saturn in their chart easily. may date someone much older or younger, age difference will be significant. may start dating/get a first love later than others. positive:attracts reliable, loyal, secure, and has their priorities straight ppl. at worst you attract:boring, stern, harsh, cold, materialistic, ppl. this could apply to your friends too btw, not just lovers. you need to make sure you set rules for your relationships, and make sure your standards are at a good level. another good thing abt this placement is you’re more likely to have long lasting, and stable relationships. you may fear rejection, but you jeee to learn that it’s okay and it happens to everyone.

celebrities:Selena Gomez, Jennifer Lopez, Kurt Cobain, Johnny Depp

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙴𝚒𝚐𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

either has sex a lot young or old no in between. may have a period where they don’t have sex at all for awhile. may become spiritual later on. may get into astrology later on also lol. most likely will die of old age/naturally. cynical. men here may be small(ifyk what i mean), but you can also last a good amount of time in bed. may actually be good at sex, bc saturn means trying to be the best at something/success lol. fears death(i feel like these ppl fear more of what happens after death, not death itself).

celebrities:Khole Kardashian, Renee Zellweger, Elton John, Dwayne Johnson

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙽𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

luck, and fortune happens in your 30s+. may be closed minded, but may become more open minded as they grow. may be conservative. but may also be an atheist tbh. may want to major in business, become a lawyer, major in finances, etc. hard headed, but clear sighted. may not be a fan of traveling, or may not have many chances to until their older.

celebrities:Rihanna, Julia Roberts, Paul Mccartney, Charlie Chaplin

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚃𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

reputation may be that you are a no nonsense, hard working, logical, reliable, and loyal person. may have known what you wanted to be for a long time. you may have a job associated with your family/a tradition. afraid of not succeeding. ceo, judge, teacher, engineer, lawyer, businessman/woman may be a job of yours. you may overwork yourself, take a day off to just relax. may start working later in their 30s. ambitious

celebrities:Kim Kardashian, Oprah Winfrey, Chris Evans, Michael Jackson

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝙴𝚕𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

may attract friends/ppl that crush on you that have capricorn/saturn in their chart. may have friends for a very long time. may become more of a social butterfly/make friends more often in their 30s+. at first, you may hate socializing, and picky with who their friends with/won’t just befriend anyone. the reliable friend, will always be there for you, and loyal(or these might be the traits of your friends). doesn’t have time for fake friends. you will stand for your friends or they’ll stand up for you. honestly you may be one of those ppl that say they’re “born in the wrong generation” lmao. may not relate to ppl your age.

celebrities:Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore, Elon Musk, Robin Williams

𝚂𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗 𝙸𝚗 𝚃𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚝𝚑 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

taps into spirituality in their 30s+. may deny spirituality for awhile, and their intuition. don’t deny your gut feelings, and your energies baby :). your past life may have been rough. i’ve heard that jail may have happened for individuals with this placement in their past lives. you may go through hardship, before getting living a good and easy life. may be regretful for no good reason. need to work on expressing yourself emotionally, and not bottling up how you feel. maybe try to express your feelings in a creative way(music, art, poetry, etc).

celebrities:Beyoncé, Angelina Jolie, Will Smith, Robert De Niro

#astrology #zodiac #zodiac signs #astro notes #astro observations #saturn #saturn in 1st #saturn in 2nd house #saturn in 3rd house #saturn in the 4th house #saturn in 5th house #saturn in the 6th house #saturn in 7th house #saturn in the 8th house #saturn in 9th house #saturn in the 10th house #saturn in 11th #saturn in the 12th house

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miyagifangkai · 3 years ago

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Sensei Lawrence

Tagged: @vntgkenz

Taglist: @bb-skyrunner

Request: My request is she’s a newer friend of miguel’s, they became friends just after highschool, anyway he spends most of his time helping out at the dojo (just usually helping johnny teach n shit like that) and she tags along and meets johnny for the first time, basically she’s a total smart ass/loud mouth type person and johnny’s got a crush on her but she doesn’t give off any indication that she likes him back. so as time goes on, she keeps joining miguel whenever he goes to help out and johnny kind of teaches her one on one (but she’s picked up a few tricks) and basically she manages to pin johnny down and is like “because i won, you have to take me on a date.” and he’s staring up at her with the biggest shit eating grin on face.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Cursing, a few sexual remarks, a little violence, and I think that’s it lol

Characters Involved: Johnny Lawrence, Reader, Miguel, and Carmen

Couple Pairing: Johnny Lawrence x Reader

A/N: Hello!!! Thank you so much for the request! I enjoyed writing this one!! I changed a few things from the request. I hope you don’t mind. Again, thank you. And I hope you enjoy reading! 🥰

You and Miguel have been friends for some time now. Ever since you two had the same History class in your freshman year of college.

From then on you two tried to plan classes that you could have together and try to get involved in the same groups and activities as well. Safe to say that you two were best friends at this point; but everything was kept platonic between you two despite your friends wanting you to get with him. You just couldn’t see yourself getting with Miguel because you saw him as a brother and also he has called you “sister” on various occasions.

As you two got closer he started to open up about karate and how he loved it during high school. He still loves it now but since he has a lot of “adulting” to do he can only make it out to a class every other week or so. Him and his Sensei are still close with each other talking practically every day which you thought was sweet because Miguel has some daddy issues going on. You had only seen pictures of Sensei Lawrence and never met the guy, yet. You thought that he was pretty good looking but out of your league.

This weekend you were going back with Miguel to help him set up the dojo for some type of event and you also wanted to formally meet his mother too. Miguel had always valued his family first and you admired him for that, he also told you all of the drama of the full out karate war that went on during his highschool experience; so you couldn’t wait to see what all the buzz was about. You already had your stuff packed the night before and had your outfit laid out on your nightstand. You couldn’t wait to meet some of the people that were close to Miguel's heart.

You wake up to Miguel knocking on your door; you quickly jump up and let him in with groggy eyes.

“Y/N, you’re not ready yet?”

You rake your hand through your hair, “No. I overslept! I even set four alarms! See?”

Miguel chuckles, “You slept through all of them?”

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

“Well, get ready! We need to be on the road like yesterday!”

You sigh, “Fine! You know, you’re kinda demanding?”

“You know, you’re kinda whiny?”

You huff, “You’re the worst. The actual worst,” you chuckle, “Now let me get ready, loser!”

Miguel puts his hands up, surrendering, and steps outside of your room to let you get dressed. You quickly throw on your outfit and let Miguel know you’re dressed. He comes back in and grabs your suitcase to load it in the car. You throw your hair up in a quick ponytail and follow him to the car. You two get in and start on the way.

His home wasn’t too far away, maybe two hours away but still far enough for it to be a pretty good trip out.

“Miguel, what if your Mom totally hates me?”

“She’s not gonna hate you! Now the one you should be worried about is Sensei.”

“You still call him Sensei? Aren’t you like an adult now?”

Miguel sighs, “It’s disrespectful. But since it’s just us I’ll call him Johnny, happy?”

You nod your head, “Better. But why should I be worried about Johnny?”

“I dunno. He’s picky.”

“Picky? Why? Is he an asshole or something?”

Miguel sucks in a breath, “Can be. But! Just don’t disrespect him, okay?”

You laugh, “I’m not! Unless, he gives me a reason to be.”

Miguel rolls his eyes, “He won’t. Just keep your cool. No need to be a smart ass.”

“Fine. I’ll be nice,” you chuckle, “Would you like me to suck him off while we’re there?”

Miguel’s face turns into a grimace, “Oh! Dude, gross! Why do you wanna give me those images?”

You laugh, “Couldn’t help it! I’m sorry!”

You two finally arrive at his apartment complex and you immediately get out to get a good look.

“Whoa, you grew up here?”

“Yeah, not the best. Not the worst.”

“Excuse me? This place is awesome. Now I’m worried about showing you mine.”

“C’mon I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

You turn to him, “Whatever, dude. I wanna meet your mom!”

You two get out your bags and start to head inside the complex. You looked around at all the different doors and you loved how warm it was here. Miguel is about to open his door when you two hear, “Diaz!”

You both turned around and you’re met with Johnny Lawrence, he was tall, blonde, and you had to admit very attractive. The pictures really didn’t do him justice.

“Sensei!” Miguel runs up to him and gives him a hug leaving you standing there a tad awkwardly.

Miguel let's go and introduces you two, “Sensei, meet Y/N. Y/N, meet Sensei.”

Johnny reaches out his hand, “Johnny.”

You shake his hand, “Y/N.”

As you two let go Johnny smiles at you and asks, “So, Miguel you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend!”

You and Miguel chuckle with you answering, “Oh no. We’re not. No.”

Johnny retracts his statement, “Oh, I’m sorry. So friends, huh?”

You see Johnny give Miguel the side eye and Miguel rolls his eyes, “Listen, totally normal for a guy and a girl to be friends.”

You back him up, “Yeah. Completely normal.”

Johnny laughs, “Okay, sure.” You started to zone out at this point when he and Miguel started talking about the event at the dojo. You hadn’t noticed that you were staring at Johnny until you felt someone tap your shoulder.

“Y/N! So nice to meet you!”

“Carmen! Hey. Nice to meet you too.”

She gives you a hug and says, “Let me help with the bags. Those two can go on forever.”

You chuckle, “Okay, sure.”

You two walk inside and your nose is filled with the scent of lunch being prepared as you look into the kitchen and see that the table has already been set and a banner above it saying, “Welcome.” You smile at the banner and glance at Carmen you now understand why Miguel adored her so much.

You hear the front door open and you see Miguel. You smile at him and you see his mom walk up to him and hug him.

After lunch you and Miguel head to the dojo to help Johnny do some of his remodeling.

You two arrive and you step in and see Johnny in an old hair band t-shirt and jeans and you can’t help but do a double take. Miguel notices and he looks at you offended.

He whispers, “Wipe the drool off, would you? Gross.”

You squint your eyes at him, “Shut up, dude!”

Your little argument catches Johnny’s attention and waves at you two, “Hey, guys! C’mon! Paint is sitting right there, grab a brush.”

Miguel nods his head and immediately gets to work while you stroll up to Johnny putting up decals on the wall, “Uh, no. That’s gonna be crooked.”

Johnny looks back at you, “You sure?”

You nod your head, “Yeah, man. Hold on, let me hold it and have you look at it.”

You step up to him and he hands you the decal. You reach up and put it on the wall. You look back at Johnny who was clearly not looking at the decal you had held up. You almost start to blush but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

“Is it straight?”

Johnny looks up quickly, “Uh.. yeah. It–it is.”

You look back at the wall, “You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Miguel! Look over here!”

Miguel quits painting and looks at you and Johnny, “What?”

“Is this straight?”

“Yeah, looks good to me!”

“Thanks!”

You stick the decal to the wall and take a few steps back standing beside Johnny and look at it.

“Yeah, I think that looks good, don’t you think?” You look up at Johnny.

Johnny looks away from the wall and looks you up and down, “Yeah. Looks really good.”

You pat him on the shoulder, “Good,” and you walk off joining Miguel in painting.

The rest of the day you all finish painting the dojo and start heading out towards dinner time. Miguel pretended he hadn’t noticed his Sensei casually flirting with you and you pretending to not take them that way. Miguel knew you well enough to know that when you didn’t accept other men’s flirtations and compliments that you liked them back. He couldn’t believe that you had the hots for his Sensei.

You three say your goodbyes and as you’re walking to Miguel's car Johnny yells, “Y/N, you coming tomorrow?”

You give him a small smile, “Yeah! I will!”

Miguel butts in, “I’ll be here too if anyone cares!”

“Sure, Diaz. See you then!”

You both get in the car and before he starts the car Miguel looks at you and smirks, “So what do you think of Sen–I mean– Johnny?”

“Yeah, he’s alright.”

“He’s alright, huh?”

You look at him, “What?”

“Just alright?”

“What are you gettin’ at?”

“Nothing. Just wondering.”

You decide to let it go, “Whatever. Let’s get to your place. I’m hungry.”

Miguel shrugs and starts the car.

The next day, you two head back to the dojo and walk inside. You see Johnny sitting in his office on the phone with his legs up on the desk. You knew you were looking at him too long but it was hard to look away from him. Miguel steps in front of you and crosses his arms, “Staring is rude.”

You roll your eyes, “I wasn’t staring.”

“You’re a liar!”

“I am not!”

“Yes you are! You were so staring at him!”

You scoff, “I–”

“Who was staring?”

You and Miguel both go silent and look at Johnny trying, and failing, to hide a smirk.

“Uh, nothing. Forget it,” you say nervously.

“Yeah, it was nothing. Just an inside joke,” Miguel tries to blow it off as nothing.

Johnny shrugs his shoulders, “Okay. Here’s what we are gonna do today. Miguel finish painting that side and Y/N and I will start on this side.”

Miguel goes and starts painting. You dip your brush in and start painting. You feel Johnny stand really close to you causing you to look at him.

“Oh? Staring again?” Johnny asks sarcastically.

“What? No. I wasn’t staring.”

“You were.”

You squint your eyes, “I was not. Besides, you were on the phone. How’d you even know I was staring? You know, even if I was.”

“Because I saw you.”

“Ugh, you’re kinda annoying.”

Johnny fakes being hurt, “Me? How dare you? I’m a complete catch!”

“You? Highly doubt it.”

“I am!”

You decide to let go of the conversation and continue painting causing Johnny to get mysteriously quiet for the rest of the evening.

Over the next couple of weeks you and Miguel go to Johnny’s dojo to help finish up. On your breaks Miguel would show you some karate moves and Johnny would get involved and show you too. Miguel would eventually step back and let Johnny teach you. You started to retain some of the information that Johnny was teaching you. You even started to like karate especially while Johnny was teaching you. He was so passionate about it and he made everyone around him feel passionate about it as well. There would be some days that you’d drive out to the dojo to get teachings from Johnny one on one. Everything was going well between you two. You had even started to develop feelings for him and him for you. You two would exchange flirtations and share glances with each other.

One day you and Johnny had gotten into a little argument while he was showing you some new moves.

“That move looks kinda dumb,” you say.

“What the hell? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s bad ass! Can knock a guy out in seconds!”

“Cool, but still looks weird,” you chuckle.

“Seriously?” Johnny scoffs, “It’s out of your skill zone anyways.”

You look at him straight in the eyes and state, “Sure it is, Lawrence. I bet that you’re not even that good at karate.”

Johnny tenses his jaw, “Oh, really?”

“Yes, really! Miguel claims you’re so amazing. But are you, though?”

“Well, yeah. He’s right.”

“I bet I could beat you.”

Johnny almost cracks up at your statement, “Cannot.”

“Can too.”

“Fine. Let’s have a match then.”

“Fine!”

You two get in your stances and you start to get nervous. Could you really beat him? Do you even know how bruised his ego is gonna be when you do? He will never let you live it down if you lose either. If only you could keep your big mouth closed. Soon enough you and Johnny were sparring. He got a few hits on you because you weren’t exactly skilled but when you got the hang of it you started blocking him with finesse. You catching Johnny off guard and landing a blow to his ribs, almost causing him to double over. After a few more swings you get the upper hand on him and finally pin him.

Johnny looks up at you in shock, “Holy shit!”

“Take that, Lawrence.”

“I let you win.”

“Bullshit,” you laugh, “Since I won I guess you’ll have to take me on a date.”

Johnny’s eyes widened and then a smile came onto his face, “What? I thought you didn’t like me.”

“Correction, I didn’t show that I liked you. Wanted to make you sweat for a bit.”

He scoffs, “It worked.”

“Good. Now, you gonna take me on that date?”

You get off of him and let him stand up, “Yeah, I’ll take you on a date. But not because you won.”

You chuckle, “Too scared to admit a girl beat you?”

“I let you win!” Johnny says seriously. He was still battling with the toxic masculinity even though he was trying.

“Oh, since you let me win then I guess no date then,” you start to walk away from Johnny.

You feel him grab your arm, “Don’t leave.”

“And why not?”

“Because I like you.”

“Not enough to accept that I beat you,” you smirk.

Johnny sighs knowing your stubborn ass won’t give this up, “Fine. You won.”

You lean up and kiss him after he says that. You two pull away when Miguel walks in and says, “Seriously?”

You turn around, “Oh, uh–”

“Nope. I don’t wanna know what happened between you two but all I’m gonna ask is couldn’t you keep it in your pants?”

You and Johnny chuckle and you both say, “We tried!”

Miguel smiles, “Not hard enough.”

He walks over to the chairs that still need to be painted and grabs the paint can. You and Johnny walk over to him and you say. “Miguel, guess what!”

Miguel looks over, “Oh no, what?”

“Johnny is taking me on a date!” You feel your face start to flush as Johnny snakes his hand into yours.

“Oh, nice! Happy for you two.”

“It’s because I won our sparring match too!”

Johnny gasps, “No!”

Miguel says, “Nuh-uh! Bullshit!”

“I let her win, okay?”

Miguel pats shoulder, “Sure, you did.”

As Miguel and Johnny start to get into another quarrel you couldn’t help but glance up at Johnny. You couldn’t believe that out of all the men in the world you chose Miguel’s Sensei of all people. But then again, you definitely weren’t complaining about it.

#cobra kai #johnny lawrence #miguel diaz #johnny lawrence x reader #cobra kai fanfic #cobra kai imagine #the karate kid

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dull-c · 2 years ago

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rewatch continues! i slept til 2pm today (yeeeeew) and then made fried rice for combined breakfast-lunch-dinner, so i didn’t get around as many eps as i thought i was gonna, but i did get from 1x08 to 2x07 which i think is decent – especially considering how much kreese there was in these episodes. also, i said i was gonna be more coherent this weekend but that has not worked out, sorry

1x08

LUCILLE!! god randee is so beautiful and also somehow very comforting to me. the mom vibes are real!

-“you’re dating a larusso?” jlawz wants to be dating a larusso so bad :(((

-even if i didn’t know the specific men that wrote the amanda and lucille interactions in this episode, i would definitely know a Man wrote it, ya know what i’m saying?

-continuing this episode’s theme of train crash family dinners jlawz dumping “just because you live in a nice house doesn’t mean there’s nice things going on inside” on the diazes yiiiikes. like i get it buddy but you met these people three weeks ago and have had two conversations with them. jlawz is the worst reflection of drunk oversharing me and i don’t like it

-daniel and robby kata montage is making me so sad. i’m really gonna need them to be on good terms again soon, it has been 84 years and my heart hurts

-look, what louie did to jlawz’s car was objectively very bad but he felt he was defending daniel’s honour so i am going to give him the tiniest, tiniest little point for that. sorry but i love daniel and i empathise with people doing terrible stuff because they love him (NOT you terry)

1x09

-okay HANG ON. did jlawz just walk angrily into the backyard of every house on escalon drive, encino until he found daniel’s place?? and how long was he standing there staring at him?? like the whole time he was making his coffee he just stood there staring ominously?? was he there the whole night??? i need answers!!

-the speed with which the old men go from screaming and trying to fight each other to flirting over cars and nicknames, to bonding and opening up about childhood daddy issues and mutual ex-girlfriends together gives me whiplash. cobra kai is not a comedy it is a tragedy and the tragedy is these two hotheaded idiots who desperately want to be friends and keep fucking it up!!

(billy is essentially just mouthing the words to take it on the run while ralph sings and i think we can guess here which of them came from a theatre background)

-also the way jlawz looks at daniel when he says ‘it’s alright’. i wish to /consume/ it

-“yeah except yours didn’t break your trophy and try to kill you” insane how quickly the showrunners are gonna forget this later!!

-when are we gonna get johnny and daniel drunkenly sparring for real??? it’s been three seasons!! we have been denied it too long. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT, SHOW

-daniel’s rage at robby ‘was this all a con?’ is not at all reasonable (he’s a child daniel jfc) but also feels a little different with the tkk3 viewing still fresh in my head i gotta say

-and johnny screeching off out the driveway with a car that's not his. both these men are really the Overreaction Bosses. they apparently never grew out of it and now everyone in the valley must pay

1x10

-okay but like, jlawz getting his dick out in public and pissing on the larusso plate while muttering about how he can be robby’s father if he wants strikes me as even more repressed home of sexual than the billboard thing. i can’t explain it, it’s just how i feel

-“just when you think life’s going good…” god johnny really wanted to spar with daniel real bad, didn’t he? it’s okay i wanted that too, you dumb little baby man

-yaya is truly aspirational

-the eyefucking going on through the tournie. the crane kick smirks. GOD just fuck already people are getting maimed here

-there’s no way anyone in the topanga team is in high school

-oh robby. i genuinely feel like he is the will byers of cobra kai. as in, he really really needs to catch a fucking break

-daniel being like “i’m not saying you have to like the guy, i know i never will.” babe you literally took him to your childhood home to reminisce yesterday but ok!!

-johnny when he realizes he’s created a little no mercy! miguel monster:

-i have resigned myself to the fact that whenever i hear the miyagi theme i am going to cry now. nothing to be done about it

2x01

-the way jlawz wanted to punch kreese in the face as soon as he saw him? i felt that

-season 2 has a lot to answer for bringing us kreese and stingray, but daniel looking beautiful and radiant restoring the miyagi do dojo almost makes up for it tbh

-”balance is my thing.” oh yeah for sure jan!!

-miguel really grew whole inches and got his braces off in one weekend. amazing

-jlawz peeping daniel and robby at the hardware store and getting upset and going off at robby about is actually desperately sad. it gives big divorced family energy

-robby: he cares more about his rivalry with you than he does about me daniel [frowning]: hmm bummer but nothing i can do about it as an adult grown man who is one half of this rivalry i guess!!

-probably more stuff happened in this episode but i was eating my rice at this point so just enjoy this photo i took of the tv screen for some reason (the reason was i love daniel):

so nice that the lesbians on the left there got a car AND a photo with daniel larusso. truly the dream of all lesbians

2x02 (ish) to 2x07(ish) {my thoughts got a bit slow and same-y after i had all those carbs, so i have condensed the thoughts from these episodes all together bc why not}

-daniel’s calves (that was all i wrote down, that was the whole thought. and i agree with me)

-when kreese said “the gang’s all back together. well, almost all of us” i literally dropped my fork in fury. full offense, i hate that raggedy racist old bitch with all of my heart. i'm so mad i will probably have to sit through his ‘redemption’ in s5. i hope chozen kicks him into a ravine

-anyway, again, there’s something very ~recent exes~~ about the way daniel walks up on kreese and jlawz and stares angrily at jlawz like he’s betrayed him and then kreese puts his hands on jlawz in a weirdly claim-y way and jlawz shrugs him off and tries to talk to daniel and daniel’s like i’m Not Angry I’m Disappointed Goodbye (he IS angry tho). why is every lawrusso interaction like this??? why are they like this

-i’m not gonna get into any deep meta/wank about whether daniel should have told johnny anyway about robby. of course he should have, but like sigh, adults are beating up children here in karate wars town. within the logic of the show it makes sense that daniel would see kreese (a man who jumped out from behind a cardboard cutout of himself to yell grraaaaar at him) and go yeah nah peace out i’m not putting robby in that mess

-it’s 2018 there’s no way that cement truck business wouldn’t have been recorded and uploaded to twitter and johnny would have been the new bean dad

-oh so daniel was gonna do an ice demo at valleyfest and jlawz does a fire one huh? and the fire was melting the ice? it’s almost like…. there’s some sort of …. symbolism… there….

-an angy little tory appears! and she loves to do violence

-hey guys so we need for miyagi to give daniel some indirect advice but he’s dead what should we do? just put another guy in a hat that looks like miyagis and have him give the advice? okay perfect!!

-when daniel high kicks the shit outta those guys on the beach and is like “your grandpa know how to move like that, huh?” he is the actual hottest man alive. that is a science fact

-also his face when demetri shows up. please!!!! he’s so happy and so soft!!! YOU get a shoulder pat and YOU get a shoulder pat and YOU get a shoulder pat

-amanda’s comment about daniel hyperfocusing is so bang on and also timely. this is clearly going to come back soon

-season 2-3 hawk is genuinely a bit terrifying and I always forget this and then here I am scared of him again

-re: the trashed dojo. very upsetting on multiple levels, but when daniel barges into the ck dojo all wild and spitty to yell “what are you gonna do about it” and try to goad jlawz into a fight? i’m sorry but my simple little lizard brain is into that

-jimmy and bobby’s reaction to kreese being back is so valid. they are me. we are vibing

-“everyone deserves a second chance” jlawz babe your projection is showing :(( i love you PLEASE go talk to your son. stop adopting evil old men and random sweet adorable neighbours and go talk to your son who is just crying out for any effort from you at all.

-literally putting tommy in a body bag is the absolute worst crime this show has committed, and it has committed so many

-also all the cobra boys yelling wake up at him. guys……………… he’s dead i-

-that kreese army photo is so unintentionally funny. why does he look like he’s pretending to be an army guy in a porno

-interesting how when daniel recounts what happened in tkk3 leading up to briefly joining cobra kai to the kids, he completely omits the part where he was terrorized into joining the tournament in the first place. i suppose that could just be down to keeping it simple for the tv audience, or the writers doing that thing they do where they minimize what happened to daniel. but from a character perspective it’s interesting, like he still blames himself for wanting to win it.

aaaand that’s it for now. 2x08 next and then! pulpo. which i suspect will take longer that all the rest of the episodes for me to get through bc i will need a couple of intermissions to scream into a cushion

sidenote: when i get to s4, @lionlikenick is joining me to tandem watch, so that could mean one of two things. the thoughts on here could get a lot fewer because i’ll be sending them all direct to knickers, or you (all two of you) will be copping double the thoughts – mine and the ones i appropriate from her. no way of knowing which way it’ll go, but just warning you in advance.

#claire rewatches the 35 year slow burn #1x08 to 2x07

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geminidragonjasminealexandra · 2 years ago

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You're obviously very happy to get on your knees for abusive men, so I wonder when it all went wrong? Did daddy not pay you enough attention? 😢 Do you have low self esteem?

You do understand that only desperate pickmes defend Depp, right? I hope you find out what people say behind your back, lol. We have a delusional Depptard at work and everyone makes fun of her behind her back. Normally I would feel bad for her but since she obviously condones abuse I just assume she has no problem with people talking shit behind her back, lol.

I mean, you people would apparently be ok with being abused. But only when Jack Sparrow.... I mean, Johnny Depp is the abuser, right? 🥵🥵🥵🥵

Oh no! People at your work? Oh and they mean so much to me... This really hurt my feelings (sniff sniff)... I think I'm gonna cry 😢

You have changed my life and now I see the errors of my ways. Your eloquent words have touched me deep... almost as deep as when I pegged your mom. 😈

So the people at work? Huh.... you mean the ones in your imagination? Cause honey, no one is siding with her around the water cooler. Also you said you also harass a person at work? Hmmmm... sounds like someone who is a fan of Amber's toxic tactics. Maybe you side with Amber cause you pray nobody calls you out on your toxic actions and abuse, like they did her. Harassing peers, sexually harassing strangers, and possibly have issues with partners....

Maybe the reason you are going so hard for Amber is... because you treat someone the same way and you're worst fear is... them leaving you because they've realized you're not worth the toxic abuse you put them through...

Yeah? Did you like that? Did this take a turn or what? Is that a lip quiver I detect? Aaaaawe...

Also... tell your mom I said hey, I'll call her back... you never know... maybe I'll be your new stepmom?

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adamwatchesmovies · 2 years ago

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Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)

The initial shock is gone and I must admit that a second time around, I like Alice Through the Looking Glass more. Don’t think this means I recommend it. This is an awful film. It’s so badly written it makes your head hurt.

Several years after the first film, Alice (Mia Wasikowska) puts the single-handed invention of feminism on pause to travel to Underland and help her best friend in the whole world Tarrant Hightopp, the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp). Unresolved daddy issues have thrown him into a depression so severe he’s turning monochromatic and will probably fall over dead. If Alice can enter the lair of clockwork deity Time (Sacha Baron Cohen) and steal his chronometer, she can travel to the past, save the Hatter’s family, and get the nutty tea drinker out of his lethal funk.

I didn’t think a trip to Wonder/Underland could get worse than the 2010 film. I was underestimating the powers of writer Linda Woolverton (whose animated films have been triumphs and live-action efforts... not so much). As a time travel movie, this rivals A Sound of Thunder as one of the worst I’ve ever seen. When Alice needs to go at a specific time, she doesn’t get there early to plan ahead; she gets there minutes before the event she’s attempting to prevent. When she fails to act correctly and history has failed to be altered, she doesn’t try again, she simply gives up. Yet another story that fails to understand the power of time travel.

“But Wait!” you might say. “In the movie, they explicitly say that if you go back to the past and see yourself, it’ll destroy the entire universe! She’s only got one shot!” and you’re right, except that if Alice had any brains, she’d leave herself notes, or do any number of other things to ensure her mission's success. If the residents of Underland are willing to risk all of their existence, past and present for the sake of the Hatter (wait, why is he so important again?) then surely she should give it her best shot.

The flaws don’t stop there. This film just does stuff. It doesn’t matter if it makes no sense. The last time we saw Iracebeth of Crims (the Red Queen, played by Helena Bonham Carter), she was being exiled. Now, she’s returned with an army of vegetable people and possesses certain objects no one in their right mind would've allowed her to leave with. Well, they had to come up with some way to bring her back, right? To keep the fan service going, Alice runs into a child version of the Hatter, of The Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry), of Bayard (the Bloodhound voiced by Timothy Spall), and other “favorites”. They’ve got plushies to sell, don’t you know? They eclipse every brief reference to the actual Through the Looking Glass novel by Lewis Carroll. Why director James Bobin bothered with them, I don't know. It’s not like this story resembles the source material in any way. It’s made infinitely more dreadful by the completely uncharismatic Mia Wasikowska who is asked to act against a whole bunch of CGI characters and can’t pull it off.

This film can’t even figure out what it wants to do with Underland. Is it supposed to be a real place our heroine travels to, or a figment of her imagination? It doesn’t matter. The plot chugs along, moving pieces back and forth until the credits begin rolling. It’s impossible to care about anything because there are no rules. There's no attempt to recreate the whimsy of the original story or the 1951 Disney film. Alice Through the Looking Glass is little more than special effects, costumes, and makeup vomited onto the screen. (On Blu-ray, July 21, 2017)

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lizardrosen · 4 years ago

Link

Edgar -- and pat he comes, like the catastrophe of the old comedy.

Songs and lyrics under the cut!

Daniel in the Den - Bastille

Felled in the night by the ones you think you love They will come for you

Brother - Luke Doucet

Oh brother, oh brother No shame and no surprise We all expect the unexpected from the boy who never cries

Brothers On a Hotel Bed - Death Cab for Cutie

But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize When he catches his reflection on accident

The Mute - Radical Face

And I set out on the heels of the unknown So my folks could have a new life of their own And that maybe I could find someone Who could hear the only words that I'd known

Bright - Lilli Furfaro

Lies They fed him lies He felt betrayed So he cut tiеs They were his family Hе burned them all the same Then he broke And lost his mind, his friends, his name

#Grownupz - FEiN

Daddy, I don't wanna grow up anyway Grown ups Are all sad Doesn't matter where I Come from anyway I'll grow up and get sad

Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks - Panic! At The Disco

Prescribed pills To offset the shakes, to offset the pills You know you should Take it a day at a time

Sedated - Hozier

Somewhere for this, death and guns We are deaf, we are numb Free and young and we Can feel none of it

Back from the Edge - Lord Huron

I crashed into the sea, then somehow I survived Don’t know what to believe, but I know I’m alive

Tickle Me Pink - Johnny Flynn

Pray for the people inside your head For they won't be there when you're dead

Unfortunate Few - The Ditty Bops

At first you remember but then you forget And once I'm forgotten you can't get me back

I Know It’s Over - The Smiths

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head See, the sea wants to take me The knife wants to slit me Do you think you can help me?

Genius Next Door - Regina Spektor

Atheists were praying full of sarcasm And the genius next door was sleeping Dreaming that the antidote is orgasm

Dancing Devil - Small Leaks Sink Ships

And bless your silly son for all his wicked ways He's got the world on a string But his heart is out of place

You’re Dreaming - Wolf Parade

I got Metal in my blood Dancing around to the magnets What about our love So hard to start in a violent age

Possum by Night - The Mountain Goats

Try not to get stuck in the intake vent Grow fat and grow old and go blind and be content

Night’s Song - Bayside

Angels/Losing/Sleep - Our Lady Peace

Looks like the holy ghost is gone Now you're afraid of yourself Over your shoulder you have to watch Heaven fall into hell

Grapefruit - Aaron West & the Roaring Twenties

In all my dreams, I'm in the house that I grew up in I'm trying to be half the man I know my dad is, or was I see me as a father looking over a daughter who grew up to be just like you

The State of Dreaming - MARINA

I live my life inside a dream, only waking when I sleep If I could sell my sorry soul, I would have it all

Molten Light - Chad Vangaalen

They ran back into town and hid in the church They explained their situation and they feared for the worst The priest told the brothers that she could not be killed

The Spectator - The Bravery

I am just a child to a man Back to the dust where I began I was never even here at all

Until I Am Whole - The Mountain Goats

On a picnic bench alone Watch the sky go dark Dig my nails into my hands Hope it leaves a mark

Achilles Come Down - Gang of Youths

Achilles, Achilles, just put down the bottle Don’t listen to what you’ve consumed It’s chaos, confusion and wholly unworthy Of feeding and it’s wholly untrue

Bedlam Boys - Old Blind Dogs

My staff has murdered giants And my pack a long knife carries To cut mince pies from children's thighs With which they feed the fairies

Willow Tree March - The Paper Kites

And you weaken your love And you hold it above your head Success is a song of the heart, not a song of your bed

Ash Tree Lane - MS MR

Flakes of memory plagued by disease Have I only seen what I want to see

In the Woods Somewhere - Hozier

His bone exposed His hind was lame I raised a stone to end his pain What caused the wound? How large the teeth? I saw new eyes were watching me

Pray - The Amazing Devil

Losing My Mind - Mystery Skulls

Feels like I'm losing my mind Feels like a dream of me all of my life, baby

All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues - Senses Fail

Falling down, as windows pass, I start to cry And curse the day my parents laid In a bed of hopelessness Where love was made, please, mark my grave "Unknown..."

Back From the Edge - James Arthur

Back to the start Back to my heart Back to the boy who would reach for the stars

Call Them Brothers - Regina Spektor

Over and over, they call us their friends Can't we find something else to pretend? Like nobody won and we're safe at the end

Sons and Daughters - The Decembrists

We will arise from the bunkers By land, by sea, by dirigible We'll leave our tracks untraceable now

#king lear #edgar #shakespeare #music

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hedwigstalons · 4 years ago

Text

High Expectations - Ch18

Short fic? Really? How the hell have we reached chapter 18 already?

@willow-salix has been a huge support all the way through. She wields the red pen mightily

Earlier parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen

AO3 chapter link

Chapter Eighteen

John closed the apartment door and basked in the silence. The last few weeks had been awful but the last few days had been hellish. If you had asked him two days ago what had been the hardest part of this summer he would have answered without hesitation his thesis defence interview, not because he had any difficulty with his project but because, even after 4 years at Harvard some of the faculty still struggled with his presence.

He had bounced onto the quad aged sixteen, looking more like twelve, and instantly made a name for himself by criticising the work of one of the more well respected professors on campus. It probably hadn’t helped that he had been right. Since then he had been dogged by whispers of ‘Daddy’s money’ or heckled as an android freak as he eschewed the company of the peers that would never truly be peers due to the gaps in both age and intellect. University had been a bittersweet mix of unbridled access to learning mixed with a social web to navigate that made high school look like an insignificant warm up. The culmination of it all had been his thesis defence in front of a panel who didn’t know whether to be intimidated by him or offer him a cookie for being a good boy. Still, he was walking away from it all, with dual honours and a postgraduate distinction, at an age not dissimilar from those just starting their higher education journey.

The troubles and torments of university, however, had nothing on the hell on Earth that was Boston airport for an extended period of time. He could now categorically say that this had been the worst part of the summer. The route between east and west coast seemed to be plagued by delays but this, his final time of making the journey, had topped the lot. Being held up for an unspecified period of time in an airport lounge had brought out the worst in humanity and after a delay that had pushed past 36 hours in the end he would be quite happy to never see another human ever again. With the apartment door firmly shut on the outside world he fully intended to recharge and bask in the solitude before Alan got home from school.

He padded up the hallway to deposit the travel bag containing a few meagre essentials in his room but never made it that far.

The apartment might have been silent but it wasn’t empty. His room was next to Alan’s and through the open door he could see that self same teenager sat cross legged on the bed, head set on, controller in hand and eyes glued to the screen that flashed with neon laser cannons and moved at a dizzying pace. Part of him wanted to tiptoe on past, pretend he hadn’t spotted his younger brother, and collapse onto his own bed. John could have sworn that he hadn’t done anything that could penetrate the teenager’s electronic cocoon but before he had crossed the doorway Alan’s head whipped round and fixed him with an intense blue stare.

Alan paused the game, dropped the controller next to him and slid off the headset. He continued to stare in a way that he could see was making his older brother uncomfortable, holding the eye contact that always made John squirm a little, but at this point he didn’t care.

The weeks before Gordon’s departure had been busy. With a fixed deadline firmly etched on the calendar Jeff had ramped up the pressure on Gordon to gain his pilot’s licence and all the myriad of special endorsements he would need beyond the basics in order to complete a cross-continental journey solo. Alan wasn’t quite sure why such a high rated licence was necessary but he had appreciated all the extra time at the airfield it necessitated. Almost every weekend had been spent there so that Gordon could get in the required practice and he had always tagged along, partly to spend more time with Gordon and partly in the hope of getting a lesson himself; it turned out flying was something he had a flair for and he relished those precious moments in the cockpit. But then Gordon had gained his licence and the lessons had dried up. Time in the sky went from being a priority to something his father was too busy to provide. It rankled that he wasn’t worth the effort.

And then the dreaded day had come. The day he lost the brother he was closest to to the military might of WASP. He’d probably come across as petulant and moody, his goodbyes stilted and brief, but the sullen exterior had been his armour protecting him from breaking as something inside him died. He hadn’t even been able to go with Gordon on the trip up the coast as had been the original plan. A last minute change had seen their father disappear off on some mysterious overseas errand, leaving Virgil to play taxi service to the WASP to be. He had begged to go too but unfortunately for him the start date for Gordon had coincided with Scott having some leave and Virgil was staying up north to indulge in some oldest brother bonding time. So he had been left behind, alone in the apartment, with the promise that John would have arrived by morning.

Morning had dawned but the promised sibling hadn’t appeared. The logical side of him knew there would be a perfectly rational explanation for John’s delay but the emotional side of him just added it to the heap of rejection he was feeling. No one gave a damn about him. Noone cared what he was doing. He’d turned right around and headed back into his room to kill zombies. When the second morning dawned and he was still alone the only difference it made was that the zombies were replaced by asteroids.

John was pinned uncomfortably by the stare. Everything about Alan screamed out that he was issuing a challenge, daring John to pass comment. If he had ignored John’s presence he probably would have been left alone but John was a Tracy too and as with all Tracys he never could resist a challenge.

“No school today?” he queried, one eyebrow raised in preemptive skepticism.

“Does it look like it?”

“What it looks like is you playing video games on a Tuesday in term time. The news didn’t mention any schools being flattened by freak hurricanes so why are you here?”

Alan just shrugged and went to pick up his controller again.

“Alan!”

“What?! It’s not like there’s any point me being there.”

“There is always a point to school.”

“Yeah? Well I’m not learning anything there, the stuff they set is just insulting.”

This was one point John could empathise with, boredom in the classroom was a familiar feeling to him. He felt lucky that he had met forward thinking teachers early on in his school career. Teachers that had put the effort in to find out his level rather than being happy to have a coasting child in the class that didn’t need their assistance. The result had seen him progressing through grade school at a pace that, while it still felt slow to him, at least meant he wasn’t inflicted with the full, tortuous twelve years. Alan on the other hand had been forced to stay firmly in his age grade.

“What about your friends, surely you’re bored here without them?”

That just earned him an eye roll.

“Can we just skip the questions and head straight to the part where you lecture me.”

“Would it make a difference? I’m not Dad but you do realise he is going to be majorly pissed when he finds out, don’t you?”

“He’ll only find out if you tell him.”

“You think he won’t find out from school?”

Alan just sighed.

“Seriously Johnny, Gordon and I got all comms from school diverted directly to us years ago. I’ve already responded to their email.”

“You and Gordon did that?” He was secretly a little impressed that his brothers had found a way to bypass the school systems although he was concerned that their father had seemingly never noticed.

“Well, okay, I did that. Gordon’s not so hot on the technical stuff but it was his idea. Dad’s never been that great at dealing with letters and permission slips so I just got in through a school admin account and updated the contact details. If it’s not a report card he isn’t interested.”

John decided not to pass comment on the low level hacking his baby brother had pulled off. Instead he picked his way across the minefield that was Alan’s floor to join his little brother on the bed. The mattress felt deliciously soft compared to the plastic seat upon which he had been forced to spend the night and he felt his bones sigh in relief. His own bed was still calling out to him but his big brother instincts were screaming at him to fix things, even if he wasn’t entirely sure what he needed to fix. The screaming won. He leaned across to grab a second controller off the cluttered bedside unit and synced it into the game.

“So, what’re we playing? I don’t recognise this one but then there wasn’t much time for gaming at Harvard.”

Alan looked bemused by the turn of events. Scott held an authority that demanded respect, Virgil would take a softer and more caring approach, Gordon provided a mix of straight talking and fun whereas their father subscribed to the school of parenting that was mostly indifferent until an indiscretion was unearthed. John was still a bit of an unknown entity, he’d never taken on the role of authority figure for Alan and he couldn’t work out his brother’s strategy.

“Uh, it’s something I made myself.” Alan disconnected his headset and the background music of the pause screen sounded out harshly in the otherwise quiet apartment eliciting an involuntary wince from John. He guiltily turned the volume down to a more comfortable level before resuming play.

They sat side by side in silence for a few minutes, blasting asteroids and navigating their way through a fast moving debris field. The game concept appeared simple and John wondered why Alan had done it; it wasn’t like he couldn’t afford to stock up on the commercially available games.

“Games design is a new one for you, this a school project or something?”

John sensed the eye roll even without taking his own eyes off the screen.

“Hardly. School sucks.”

“So, why make the game?”

“It’s not about the game. I wanted to see if I could model a debris field. Thought if I could get it right it could be good training, you know, before astronaut school.”

“I think you’ll find Tracy College already has their own simulators. How do you even know this is accurate.” Alan had made no secret about his desire to head into space and it looked like that was still the life plan. Part of John hoped the game wasn’t accurate, the objects were flying in thick and fast and he was struggling to react in time to find a clear path for his craft and guide it through. Alan, on the other hand, was having no such difficulties; his movements were lightening fast and the game seemed to hold no challenge for him.

“Borrowed your books.” Alan set his own controller down as John’s ship took a direct hit and exploded in a mass of technicolour pixels that ended the game. He stretched out and plucked a weighty tome off the edge of his desk.

“Borrowed? I don’t remember you asking.” John recognised the volume as one of the few undergraduate text books he had investing in the hard copy of. Slips of coloured paper stuck out at intervals and the pages were rather more worn and well thumbed than he remembered.

Alan pointedly ignored the question and instead flipped through to the relevant pages.

“I’m not sure if I got this bit right though. I struggled to combine the effect of an explosion induced debris field interacting with a meteor shower.”

However John had been expecting his talk to go with Alan, it hadn’t been like this. He soon found himself drawn into an animated discussion of the core principles of astrophysics and how material behaved in a vacuum. Alan’s grasp of the subject, considering he was entirely self taught, surprised the elder Tracy. On his rare visits home Alan had always pestered him to go star gazing or asked him his thoughts on the latest developments in astronaut training but he’d had no idea that Alan’s interest had extended into him seemingly attempting to study most of the first year of his Harvard course from home. No wonder the kid was bored at school.

When Jeff returned later that night it was to find the two boys deeply engrossed in some project or other. Books and piles of scribbled notes lay scattered around them and John’s fingers danced through lines of holographic code as he pointed out some facet or other to the younger boy who seemed to hang on his every word. He assumed John was helping Alan with his homework and thought no more of it as he settled down to his own evening.

xoxoxox

“Mr Tracy, a Miss West is on the line for you.”

Jeff frowned at the unexpected intrusion from his personal assistant. “Miss West?” He couldn’t place the name.

“She says she is calling from the High School, Sir”

“Put her through then.” He paused a moment until the slight click indicating a change in caller reached his ears.

“Mr Tracy? I’m Sarah West, Alan’s home room teacher.” The woman on the other end of the call sounded slightly nervous and with good reason, the Tracy reputation was formidable and seeing Alan’s name on her class list when he had joined the school had led to rounds of commiserations in the faculty lounge.

“Miss West, what can I do for you?” He tried to keep the puzzlement out of his voice. The last time he had received a call from the school, or any kind of communication now he came to think about it, had been over Gordon’s suspension. He hoped he was not in for a repeat of that embarrassing incident.

“I just wanted to check on how Alan was doing. The class are all missing him and hope he is able to return to school soon.”

Jeff understood the words being spoken but the actual sentiments made no sense. As far as he was concerned Alan was at school at that very moment. He kept his voice carefully neutral.

“I thank you for your concern Miss West. I will certainly pass on your regards when I see Alan this evening.”

“Thank you Mr Tracy. Please accept my best wishes for you and all your family, it can be so hard when these things happen. Please keep me informed of his progress through the parent portal and once Alan is well enough to come back we will look at putting a catch up and transition programme in place for him. Alan is a bright boy and I have every confidence that he will be able to catch up with these missed weeks.”

“Thank you Miss West. I will of course keep you informed. Now if you will excuse me.”

“Of course Mr Tracy, goodbye.”

“Goodbye Miss West.”

Missed weeks. The words rang out in his head, causing him to rub his temples. Trouble at school had always been Gordon’s domain, he’d been gone for months but still his influence was being felt. Alan had always taken after John until now; good grades, generally studious and with a passion for space. Whatever was going on Jeff knew he needed to nip it in the bud. Pausing only to inform his PA that he would be heading out for lunch and might not return that day Jeff headed back to the apartment.

Jeff found Alan in his room, engrossed in some project or other. He rapped smartly on the doorframe, breaking the teen’s concentration and causing him to look round in surprise. The look Jeff was treated to wasn’t one of fear or remorse though and there was certainly no sign of guilt at being caught where he shouldn’t.

“Alan, my study. Now!” He strode off down the hallway without waiting for a response.

Alan sighed and followed, knowing that to ignore a direct command would be foolish. By the time he reached the study Jeff was already behind the desk in his customary position for dispensing judgement, a situation Alan had rarely been in but had certainly heard about often enough from Gordon. He was more than a little intimidated at the prospect of what was to come but he tried not to let it show as he stood there, ramrod straight, waiting for his father to make the opening move.

“So Alan, I had an interesting call from Miss West today. Explain yourself”

The words caused Alan’s stomach to drop, there was no way he could pass today off as an isolated incident now. He had been signing off on his absences via the parent portal but if his teacher had actually called up then it was likely his father knew everything. Not knowing what to do for the best he opted to say nothing. The silence stretched out uncomfortably as he felt himself being appraised by eyes as hard as flint.

“I see. Let’s keep this simple. How long have you been skipping school for?”

“Since the beginning of the semester.” There was no point lying about it now. After his few days of indiscretion when Gordon first headed off to WASP John had made sure he went off to school each day. At the end of the summer holidays though, with John and Virgil departed for Tracy College, there was no one to force the issue. September had arrived and with it the start of a new school year but among the faces arriving for a fresh round of learning Alan’s had been notably absent.

“Why? Your teacher seems to be under the impression you are unwell. Are you unwell?” The skeptical lilt to the voice and raised eyebrow would have made even John proud.

“No.”

“So why are you risking failing high school?”

“Failing it?” Alan snorted “School’s boring. I’d be able to get my diploma now if they’d just stick me in the right classes, then I could be done with the place.”

“And what makes you think you could complete your diploma now if you won’t attend class”

“John did.” Alan’s chin jutted out in defiance and Jeff was given a sudden and uncomfortable reminder of another son who had found school far too easy. The arguments may have had a different focus but Alan wouldn't be the first Tracy to have found the system too limiting, the difference being that John had been fast tracked before the boredom got too much. “I’m not learning anything at school. It’s not like I’m just flunking out though, John’s been sending me some stuff through that’s far more interesting.”

“That’s as maybe but did John tell you to just ditch classes? I seem to remember him maintaining an exemplary attendance record”

For the first time Alan felt a wave of guilt, the weight of it causing him to bow his head in shame. John may have agreed with him that the school work he was being set was far too easy and been coaching him on more challenging topics to feed his thirst for knowledge on all things astronomical, but his brother would never have condoned him skipping class. He was not going to let John take any of the blame for his choices.

“No, Sir.”

“I see.”

Alan wasn’t quite sure what it was his father saw as he stood there being appraised like some interesting specimen. There was another drawn out silence. He could almost hear his father’s thoughts as he considered his next move.

“Show me.” Alan’s head jerked up in confusion. “Persuade me. A key skill you would learn in school, if you were there, is how to present a well balanced and constructed argument. Prove your case. I’ll be here waiting.”

Alan had been expecting some sort of reprimand, either a bawling out or a quietly pronounced punishment. So far he had received neither and he was feeling a little on the back foot but then his father had a flair for the unexpected, it’s what made him a formidable adversary in the boardroom. He retreated to his room to think upon the challenge. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to prove, didn’t have a clue what his argument was or what he wanted to achieve but he knew he had better come up with a plan fast. It felt like he was being offered a lifeline of some sort but a lifeline that had the potential to cut you down if grasped in the wrong way.

He retreated into his room and sat down at the desk, the detritus of his latest project from John scattered in front of him where he had abandoned it at his father’s command. What did he want? He knew he didn’t want to go back into that hell-pit high school, each day of drudgery just sapped the life out of him, but how could he prove to his father that school was only holding him back? He gazed unseeingly as the scribbled formulae he had been working on, all the time conscious that his father wouldn’t wait forever.

Those same formulae presented him with his answer. His father had always been focussed on results, getting the most efficient return on his investment and abhorred anything he viewed as a waste of time. Alan knew that if he could prove beyond doubt that attending school was just wasting precious learning time then he might never have to go back. He started gathering together the work he had been doing for John as evidence that he really didn’t need to sit through another hour of basic trigonometry when he was already able to apply it to complex problems.

Jeff sat back and waited. He couldn’t predict Alan’s next move but then he realised he didn’t really know Alan at all. All the way through the young boy’s life his care had fallen to others. Others had formed him and moulded him and evidently turned Alan into someone capable of missing several weeks of school under his nose without him realising. Those influences had all been evident during their short exchange. He had witnessed Gordon’s defiance and determination, John’s intellect and Virgil’s sense of justice. Even traces of Scott were evident in the set of Alan’s jaw and the way he held his shoulders despite Scott only really being present for half of Alan’s short life. How telling that a brother absent some eight years held more influence than he did as father. If there was one thing common to all his sons though it was the ability to rise to a challenge; the afternoon had the potential to be surprising.

Jeff never made it back to the office. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had a meaningful and in depth discussion with his youngest son. His conversations with Alan were normally limited to a few perfunctory exchanges in the evening and maybe a goodbye if Alan was up before he headed to the office. Over the course of the afternoon he got more insights into Alan than any mere report card could give. For a start those bland documents could only show that Alan had met the maximum expected standard for his class, behind the lists of grades his son’s true abilities had been hidden.

Alan might have been skipping school but he hadn’t been squandering his time. Jeff was treated to comparisons of the high school math curriculum compared to the problems John had been setting, ostensibly as a way of Alan bolstering a future college application as the middle Tracy had been unaware that the youngest had abandoned his traditional studies completely. Physics, coding and a raft of other topics handy for the modern astronaut similarly followed and it became clear that Alan was willing to put the effort in on the topics that interested him.

Once Alan had finished lambasting the Californian education system he turned hopeful eyes on his father.

“So, can I quit?”

If there was one thing that Jeff agreed on it was that the current curriculum being inflicted on Alan was uninspiring and certainly not challenging for the youngster. He was also conscious that his lawyers had not managed to secure the removal of their family tragedy from the text books in time for this academic year and therefore Alan would be subjected to the same ordeal as Gordon in just a few short months time if he stayed in the classroom. However, he also knew that without a high school diploma Alan would be unlikely to be able to access the higher education he needed to turn his dreams of space into a reality; he knew this from his own path to the stars.

“No.”

“But Dad…”

“No Alan, I will not have any son of mine walking away from education without a high school diploma. If you are at all serious about becoming an astronaut then you need to play by the rules, without a diploma you would be ineligible for any of the space programmes out there.”

Jeff watched the disappointment flood his son’s features and wondered if Alan had really been paying attention to his words and whether he would spot the loophole in his pronouncement. He waited as Alan put together his next move, he could almost see the thoughts as they played out. Alan always had been the son to wear his emotions closest to the surface.

“I just have to get my diploma, right?” There was a hesitancy as a glimmer of hope was seized on.

“That’s right.”

“But there are other ways of getting my diploma, not just in school. Right?”

“Potentially. So what do you want to do?”

“Can I...can I do homeschool? I’m sure we’ve got everything I need to join an online programme and then just get it done.”

Jeff paused as though contemplating the request. Really, having Alan homeschooled would be better for both of them; Alan could learn at his own pace and he would find it easier to have oversight of his son’s progress and commitment.

“You have until the end of the week to find a suitable programme otherwise I will march you straight back to the classroom myself on Monday morning. I know you don’t see the point of half the subjects you have to take but they are important, your diploma is important, even if it’s only as a paper steppingstone to better things.” Jeff found himself on the receiving end of one of Alan’s grins and realised sadly that he hadn’t seen one of those since their last flying lesson. “Now, don’t you have some research to do?”

Alan took the hint and headed out of the study with far more bounce than he’d had when entering it. Jeff had no concerns about delegating the task to his son, the similarities to John had been clear to see and he had every faith that Alan would find a suitable programme within the allotted time frame. The fact that the change to homeschooling came with the added bonus of one less loose end to tie up when the time came to relocate was not lost on him.

#High Expectations #thunderbirds #Thunderbirds fanfiction #Jeff Tracy #Alan Tracy #John Tracy #space brothers getting their own way

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peakysabrina · 5 years ago

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Dark Horse

You guys, OMG, thank you for the support. I’m finna post here the first chapter of the fic I asked y’all’s opinion on. It’s also finna be on AO3 ‘cause I’m trying to test out how many fics I can post there before it kicks me the f out (that’s a joke). Here it be, loves. Here it be.

Warning: long af; violent as f y’all

The start is the same that I posted before, but I did add quite a bit to finish the first paragraph.

Surely the nazis were the only issue that needed dealing with, right? There wouldn't be anyone else: no Billy Boys, no Italians, no Jews, no nothing. Everything would be perfect, if only Mosley fucked right off and did not insist that fascism was the only way forward. The United Kingdom could not descend into the kind of chaos that warranted ghettos, mass murder, and work camps. No one in their right mind could vote for something like that, no one in their right mind could support something like that. That would be the worst possible mindset for the aftermath of the New York crash, and even someone who was borderline illiterate could see that. Besides, Tommy said so, and despite their grievances, Tommy was still the smartest of them.

Well, the answer was no: the nazis were not the only issue that needed dealing with. In fact, they weren't even the most pressing issue for the Shelbies and their personal safety. That award would go to Georgia Gold, better known as Gigi. She was made even more terrifying by the fact that no one had ever seen the youngest of the Gold clan, although they'd heard bits of information here and then. This time, though, they'd been told that Gigi, along with a group of five people, was making her way to Birmingham. An eighteen-year-old girl coming to a city was normal, as was bringing some friends along was.

Only Gigi Gold was not interested in partying. What she wanted was her father's corpse, and revenge. Revenge against the nazis? No. Revenge against whoever killed her father? Maybe. Revenge against the Billy Boys? No, that was dealt with. Revenge against the family which had gotten her father killed? Yes. That logic was probably flawed, but she obviously did not give half a shit. In her head, Aberama had been hired by the Shelbies, had even gotten engaged to one of them, and then had gotten killed while at their service. Same went for Bonnie, her only brother. Now, the average eighteen-year-old traveller woman knew her way around horses, but her main skill had to be pushing out healthy children. That being said, was this an impending threat? A serious threat on their lives? Well, yes, yes it was. Because Georgia Gold was classed as a psychopath by the good people of Swansea, where she used to camp out. The newspapers were obsessed with the creature, selling copy after copy with rumours and even with some truth, when something of the criminal sort happened.

Knowing the girl was on her way caused for a rush toward Shelby Manor: Finn ran, Arthur took his son Billy by car, and even Ada and Karl decided to come up from London.

"Why would she do this?" Ada asked, pacing around the living room, honestly thinking that it was all a bit too much. She'd read the news, and thought that it was hilarious that a person named Gigi caused such panic.

"She's daddy's girl" Arthur joked, choking on the ice on his whisky. "She is rotten on the inside. Far more rotten than her dad"

"Rotten?" Finn asked, clutching his gun to his chest, looking at the windows as if Gigi Gold herself was going to come in through there and kill them all on sight. "What do you mean, she's rotten on the inside?"

"He means she goes on killing sprees when she's bored, and bathes in childrens' blood" Arthur replied, sitting on an armchair, with his son on his lap. Only then did the oldest Shelby realise his own son, and other three of those present, were children. "It's a rumour, it's not true"

"Fucks sake, Arthur..." Ada sighed, head on her hands. "Of course she doesn't do that" she added to Karl, who looked like he was about to cry. As for Ruby and Charlie, they seemed to be numb, probably a bit too used to their father being threatened.

“She does though” Tommy muttered, so quietly only Arthur heard him. “Not children’s blood, but she does bathe in the bloody of people who’ve wronged her. And that would be us”

“I’ll take the children upstairs” Lizzie exploded, barely believing the depth of shit they were now in. If some crazy bitch laid one single nail on her children, Lizzie would be the one bathing in the blood of her enemies, and that was a fucking promise.

“What can we do?” Finn asked, clenching his hands into tight fists, as to not let anyone else see he was shaking. “Anything? Will she get us, no matter what we do?”

“No, no. We’re ready for her, and Johnny Dogs managed to get a message to her. Gigi will parlay, we’ll have a chance to remind her that we too suffered great loss, and that…”

Tommy didn’t get the chance to finish what he was saying: the sound of horses arrived to the Shelby Manor library, and every single one of them rose from their seats, but remained paralyzed, frozen in their place, not knowing what to do.

“Sir, there’s a… a… a young lady at the door. She says you’re expecting her” Frances informed. She had been told there was a group of people expected to arrive soon, but didn’t know anything else. Perhaps the only piece of information she possessed that none of the Shelbies did was the appearance of the visitor, which had made her hesitate before letting the shockingly young woman enter the manor.

“I am. Please, send her in” Tommy responded, smoothing his shirt over his chest, and giving his family a final look before Frances returned. Their hearts beat in synch, in a rapid pace, their palms wet with sweat. Even Tom, the confident head of the business, and of their family too, seemed nervous. She would’ve been searched at the door, there was no idea she could bring weapons to the inside of his home, she had said she would parlay; but what if it all went to shit? What if… what if one of them didn’t leave that library? What if Gigi Gold was every bit the monster she was made out to be, and what if she decided to make an example out of them, out of the children? It had been so stupid to keep the kids at the manor, they should’ve gone to Finn’s, to Arthur’s, to the betting shop, to Johnny Dogs’ camp, to Charlie, anywhere but under the same roof as Georgia…

“You must be the Shelby family. It is an honour to meet you in person, thank you for welcoming me into your home” Gigi Gold said, entering the room and stealing the oxygen from everyone’s lungs. She was young, had dirty blonde hair, that became bright red near the tips. Her limbs were slim, like she didn’t eat enough, and never had; she had eyes the colour of the sky on a sunny day, and lips the colour of blood. Whether it was makeup or not, it wasn’t important: she looked like she wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone do things that warranted protection.

“Georgia… or is it Gigi? Which one would you prefer?” Tommy asked, the only one capable of functioning normally, and of walking up to the visitor and shake her hand.

“Whichever you prefer, mister Shelby” Gigi replied, looking around with a mildly interested look on her face. Her eyes lingered on Ada, and then on Finn, who had never been more uncomfortable in the days of his life. Not only was the way she looked at him enough to instil pure fear in his heart, but she looked at his face first, only to move on to his neck next, probably plotting to bite him and suck his blood. “Are these your siblings?”

“Yes, yes they are. This is Ada, that’s Arthur, and here’s Finn” Tom explained, signalling each of them. “We had another brother, named John, but he passed away”

“My condolences” the young girl said, shifting her attention from Arthur to Tommy. He offered her a chair, and she took it, soothing her dress over her thighs. The garment was black, a bit worn down in some places, but well made, nonetheless.

“We extend the condolences to you, Georgia. For your brother Bonnie, and your father. He meant a great deal to us, and to my aunt Polly in particular. He was a true friend of this family, and he is greatly missed” Ada decided to go ahead and get it out of the way.

“Thank you” the visitor said, bowing her head slightly. Whether she wore heavy black because she was in mourning, or it was just her colour of choice, none of them knew; what was for certain was that, upon further inspection, it was slightly stained near the hem. “I came to your home to discuss the matter of my father’s corpse. I understand he’s been buried in Birmingham cemetery”

“He has” Tom nodded, convinced that the lavish tombstone would appease the man’s family. “I can take you to see his resting place, if you’d like”

“Yes, I would appreciate it, thank you. But Thomas, you understand that I didn’t come all the way from Wales to see my father’s tomb. I can see that you do, and your siblings too” Gigi warned, crossing her legs at the ankle, and looking down at her riding boots, before looking at each of the Shelbies, one by one, again.

“I understand that, and that’s why I asked you here, so we could talk, before any rash decisions are made”

“It took me well over a week to get here, Thomas; my decision has been pondered, and thoroughly discussed” she countered, hands on her lap. The two of them looked like they were discussing a business deal, and not whether or not Gigi could go ahead and butcher every single member of that family, men, women, and children.

“And what is your decision, may I ask?” Arthur interrupted, unwilling to be left out of that conversation. How was it possible that Tommy hadn’t killed Georgia the moment she had crossed his property line? Why were they still talking, instead of shooting her?

“Who murdered my father, Arthur Shelby?” Gigi asked, shifting her attention to the oldest Shelby, and silencing him with the look she shot him. He no longer wanted to talk, he no longer even wanted to be where he was; he wanted to pick up Linda and Billy, and run to the furthest possible place from Birmingham.

“We don’t know that, Georgia, but we are working on finding out who it was” Tommy informed, clutching his glass of whisky. “All we ask is for some patience, some collaboration even; once we find who it was who betrayed us and killed Aberama, we will hand him, or her, or them, to you”

“Mister Shelby, I don’t think you understand: don’t you think I’ve waited long enough? Haven’t I got enough questions? My sisters are broken, mister Shelby. My sister Esmeralda cannot get out of bed, such is her grief. Bonnie was a sweet boy, and my father may have had his flaws, but he gave us life, and brought us up. We had already lost our saint of a mother, and now we lost a brother and a father. How do you think I feel, to know I lost two family members the second they started working for you?” Gigi asked, not blinking one single time.

“Will killing us solve anything? Will killing us bring them back?” Ada responded, desperate to know whether she would have to live in fear for the rest of her life, or even if she would make it through the night.

“No, I don’t believe it will, Ada Shelby. But wouldn’t you want revenge against the people who put your family in harm’s way?”

“Oh, please! Your father was a killer for hire, little girl. He would’ve ended up dead whether he worked for us or not” Ada dismissed, waving her hand to emphasize her words. “And your brother, Bonnie? With the fights and all that? We didn’t force him into any of that, and he would’ve been gone sooner or later”

“We would rather it be later, than at twenty-two years of age. How old is your kid brother? That one there, with the gun. How old is he?” Gigi enquired, signalling Finn with her head.

“I’m twenty-one” the boy ended up responding, his voice hardly noticeable at all, such was the fear running through him. Finn wasn’t exactly the bravest of the Shelbies, nor was he the sharpest; but one thing he knew for sure: he had a gun, and if his life was in any type of danger, he would have to gather his strength and so something against that demon.

“How would you feel if I shot him dead, right now? Wouldn’t you want me dead, Ada? Wouldn’t it be lush to see me bleeding out on the floor? Wouldn’t you want to rip my heart out and eat it raw for dinner?” Gigi hissed, getting closer and closer to Ada, who couldn’t help but to notice that what seemed to be a red hair tint was actually a liquid, something sticking to the other woman’s hair, making it that colour. And there was really only one thing which smelled like that, that looked like that.

“Yes, I would. And it’s still not too late for me to see it, if you do as much as lift a finger to any of my family, I will have it done and dusted before the day ends” Ada threatened, crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking Gigi Gold right in the eyes.

“Oh, I would love to see that” Gigi herself uttered, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “Why are you the only one with a pair of balls, eh?”

“Don’t parlay with a man if you want effectiveness, darling. Come to me, and we’ll find a way to get this over with, in a manner that serves the both of us”

#peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders imagine #lmao I suck #fanfic #fanfiction

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samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

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5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

Entertainment sites are facing a serious problem: There’s a limited number of things that happen every day, but their readers will click on an infinite amount of articles, as long as someone or something vaguely famous is involved. The solution? Follow the grand Internet tradition of making shit up. Print a headline saying “Bill Murray killed and ate Miley Cyrus!” and watch as it gets 100,000 shares before either of their publicists can deny it.

Now, all of us have fallen for stories like these in the past, but there are some particularly egregious types of bullshit articles that should really be setting off our hogwash alarms by now. Starting with …

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

The Internet is 80 percent porn, 70 percent fanfic on Tumblr, and 90 percent inaccurate statistics. Whatever’s left is made out of bullshit listicles about how some old Simpsons episode predicted today’s events. Apparently, they foresaw Donald Trump: Angry Half-Chewed Orange Starburst For President 15 years before it happened:

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

But before you go proclaiming Matt Groening “King of the Psychics,” consider this: That episode aired in 2000. Guess what lying, hypocritical moron announced he’d be running for President in 2000? No no, the other one. Yes, Trump said he’d run for President under the Reform Party in 2000 (and had been talking about it since 1987), meaning The Simpsons predicted precisely squat. And as far as them “predicting” that President Trump would destroy the country … duhhhh. That’s like predicting grass will be green, or that a diaper will be loaded with shit.

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

And we do this all. The. Fucking. Time. Unless some fat yellow dude destroys an entire city by pressing the wrong button at the power plant, it’s no big deal if real life imitates The Simpsons. It’s a topical show with damn near 600 episodes under its quarter-century-old belt. Of course there’s going to be overlap with reality — which hasn’t stopped sites like BuzzFeed from marveling over the matter. Let’s review their mind-blowing discoveries:

So the Simpsons made an irradiated food joke, and now Japan’s got irradiated fruit? That’s not a new idea. If anything, the vegetation around Chernobyl predicted The Simpsons. Oh, and the deformed Japanese veggies were bullshit anyway. Off to a good start, BuzzFeed!

OK. So. In 2004, a bunch of Ohio voting machines glitched and accidentally gave George W. Bush 4,000 extra votes. In 2008, the Simpsons satirized that incident. In 2012, it happened again for real. And that’s supposed to be a score for Homer and friends how? Just because your memory was crippled by all those ’90s nostalgia GIF parades doesn’t mean that the past suddenly didn’t happen, BuzzFeed.

This is probably the closest one: They successfully predicted that somebody who works with wild animals would eventually get attacked by one. Impressive. What’s next, claiming that The Simpsons predicted baseball players playing softball?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

Eventually, Daniel Craig will stop being James Bond. And despite the fact that he’s a totally outdated character, tradition dictates that we’ll need a new one. One of the top names being bandied about is Idris Elba, who deviates from the Bond norm in one glaringly obvious way …

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

OK, there’s also the race thing, an issue which Bond novelist Anthony Horowitz dealt with in the worst possible way. In an interview with The Daily Mail, he claimed that Elba would suck as Bond because he’s “too street.” The Internet responded by figuratively painting Horowitz’s naked body gold and leaving him to asphyxiate.

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

First off, this quote came from The Daily Mail, so rage-sharing it is like raging over something the bad guy said at WrestleMania. Even worse, all these headlines conveniently ignore where he named other black actors he’d prefer play Bond. Everybody’s focused on “too rough” and “too street,” while see-no-eviling the part where he recommended Hustle‘s Adrian Lester instead.

There’s still a race issue at play here, of course — but not in the overt, simplistic way that everybody seeing red took it as. It’s deciding that black actors, who have proven their ability to play both suave and rough with equal tenacity, should only be one thing. Horowitz is typecasting Elba as a rough, street black man, and Lester as a suave, classy black man, and won’t let them sit at each other’s table. And nobody’s talking about this except … The Huffington Post? Really? Dear Internet: When BuzzFeed-Minus-Cat-GIFs is the voice of reason, it might be time to pay attention and rethink things.

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

Ex-Bond Roger Moore got in similar hot water recently, accused of opposing Elba Bond over blackness. Moore himself had to clarify that he only said Bond should be 100 percent “English-English” — his interviewer later edited it so it seemed like he was talking about Elba. But you know what? When Elba finally becomes Bond and blows everyone out of their seats, all this ridiculous talk of race, class, and who’s street and who’s not will disappear. Because it’s the performance that matters, not the-

Wait … it was all a rumor? He’s NOT going to be Bond? There were never even talks of him being Bond, nothing but Daniel Craig dream-casting off the top of his head? We got all worked up over that? FUCK.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

The world lost the best/worst father in movie history last August when James Earl Jones sadly passed away, according to the Internet. The only person who didn’t hear the news was James Earl Jones, who is still tweeting like normal. Yeah, it was another celebrity death hoax. So what happened? What crapbag news site yellow-journalism’d a beloved celebrity to an early grave this time?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

None, as it turns out. The source is us. We fake-killed James Earl Jones, the same way we’ve fake-killed every other celebrity since the days of Netscape. We’re not merely part of the problem; we’re all of it.

The only source for Darth Vader’s voice reuniting with the Force was the Woodward-and-Bernstein-approved paragon of journalism called FeedNewz. But FeedNewz isn’t a fucking news site — its real name is prank.link, a content creator where any random asshole can plug anybody’s name into the generator and create a fake news story about them. When people clicked on the “James Earl Jones dies” link to learn how an 84-year-old man could possibly pass so suddenly, they got this instead:

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

GET IT? You thought a thing happened, but it didn’t! Doesn’t that tickle-torture your ribs? Here’s another knee-slapper: Justin Bieber was raped and killed in Las Vegas … except he wasn’t! How gullible you must be, to think people die.

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

But if FakeNewz sounds too shady for your phony death needs, perhaps you’d prefer a website that sounds an awful lot like a legitimate one? FakeAWish.com will kill any celebrity you like and report it under the name “Global Associated News,” which is the biggest waste of an official-sounding name since Dr. Phil first called himself “Dr.” Then there’s MSMBC.co, where you create a fake death story (like this one for Arnold Schwarzenegger) complete with a link that looks exactly like MSNBC.com if you’re both blindly clicking on everything and actually blind. And when somebody clicks on it, they’re greeted not by a HAHA PWNED page, but a real-ish-looking news story that you can’t read until you share it with your distant uncle and that guy you haven’t talked to since college:

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

Alternatively, if using those sites is too much work, you can go with the absolute laziest option and create a “RIP [celebrity name]” Facebook page for someone who isn’t in fact RIPing … and then watch it grow inexplicably popular. Rowan “Johnny English” Atkinson, for example, has no fewer than two pre-posthumous Facebook pages, each with over 3,000 fans. For the sake of our species, we hope it’s simply the same 3,000 who fell for the same thing twice.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

Hey, remember when those Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s new movie? It seems they were outraged over all the gross inaccuracies, blatant stereotyping, lazy jokes, and other things that have never, ever been in an Adam Sandler movie.

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Notice how none of those headlines mention how many actors walked off the set, implying through omission that the number was “all of them”? Well, they did that for a reason: The real situation was way less volatile (and thus, more boring) than the hate-click media reported. According to one of the actors, only four out of 154 actors walked out, plus one consultant, leaving the rest to feel “betrayed” that they were being painted as “sell-outs” to the White Man. Oh, and another actor says they all saw the script beforehand, so those who quit probably should have seen the terribleness coming, even if they haven’t been to a cinema since Big Daddy came out.

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Makes sense, right? Babies throw tantrums. MRAs are babies, so they’re throwing tantrums. Except they weren’t. This entire story came from one blog post on We Hunted The Mammoth, which centered around the anti-Furiosa furor on Return Of Kings, a site so viciously anti-woman even Al Bundy would yell at them to grow the fuck up. But RoK isn’t a MRA site — just some random cootiephobes — and nowhere on Mammoth does it confuse the two. Every other site, desperate for traffic, did that.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

Did legitimate Men’s Rights Assbags hate Fury Road? Sure, because vagina. But they’re not nearly smart enough to organize some massive boycott of a film $375 million worth of people saw anyway. Also, despite what leading MRA loudmouths fantasize about while jerking off with mini-tweezers, nobody was “paid to put [an MRA boycott story] in the press.” It was lazy and biased, adjectives with which MRAs should be plenty familiar. And finally, we have the time the Noah movie threw every Christian into a hateful tizzy:

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

A survey of over 5,000 people found a whopping 98 percent were tut-tutting the movie for bastardizing the Bible. One problem: That survey focused on “faith-driven consumers,” and was organized by an ultra-religious group called … FAITH DRIVEN CONSUMER. They urge boycotts of anything that disagrees with their interpretation of the Bible, and are the same company behind IStandWithPhil, a petition to reinstate that homophobic guy from Duck Dynasty. Even Family Feud surveys like “Name a body part that rhymes with ‘eenis’” aren’t that obviously slanted.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

You know how we’ve dumbed down “literally” and “irony” so morons can feel literate too? “I literally ate an entire pig yesterday, and ironically, I literally ate an entire pig today, too!” We’re doing that crap with “confirm” now. Where once it meant “official news from an official source,” it now means “anybody saying anything about anything.”

Like these constant breaking news stories about a celebrity “confirming” a sequel to some film, when it turns out all they really said was “yeah it’d be cool to do that maybe.” Recently, the Internet went bonkers over Keanu Reeves supposedly saying that Speed 3 was going to happen:

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

But no, Speed 3 isn’t happening, for two reasons. Number one: Speed 2. Number two: Keanu was making a goddamn joke. Some reporter asked him about Speed 3, and he said, “Oh my god, Speed 3: Redemption. Sure. Jack Traven kind of like, dusting it off.” That’s sarcasm, folks — another term we’ve dumbed down because nobody can get it right.

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Even SlashFilm admits (at the end, when everybody’s stopped reading) that this is probably a non-story, writing “I’m not sure I take the affirmative answer that seriously, but he said it and it’s our job to tell you what he said.” It’s also your job to cleverly edit your headlines so overexcited Speed demons click and share your gossip without a second thought, it would seem.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Good God, three paragraphs in, the man admits “I’ve not seen a script yet and I don’t know if there is one.” And yet People reported this anyway. You might as well report on him debating whether to order pizza or Chinese food.

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

This “confirmation” was her going on Seth Meyers and yammering, “Um, I think I can confirm it, because Tim Burton did this interview — like, it was very hush-hush, top secret … and then he was doing some press for Big Eyes and he did an on-camera interview and he said, ‘Oh yeah, we’re doing it and Winona’s going to be in it,’ and I was like [shocked face].”

And we were like [unimpressed face]. Until some studio gives us an official release date (like Universal recently did with Jurassic World 2), Beetlejuice 2: At Least Lydia’s Legal This Time is nothing but actors talking.

But boy do we love when actors talk — we’ll believe anything they say, even when it’s so obviously a stupid joke. Like Michael Shannon saying he would return as General Zod for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice, but with flipper hands:

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

Notice how none of those headlines say “flipper hands”? That’s because even the writers know it’s bollocks, but they still want to suck you in and get your clicks, so they tease you “new details” and “strange change.” Except according to Shannon himself, Zod is stone dead, he only appears via voiceover, and the flipper thing was him being a silly goose:

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/12/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

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adambstingus · 6 years ago

Text

5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182767620712

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allofbeercom · 6 years ago

Text

5 Hollywood Stories You See Everywhere (That Are Always BS)

#5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff

They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …

Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president?

DICK TRACY, YOU ASSHOLES! THE JETSONS! EVEN THE FUCKING FLINTSTONES! Somebody got paid for this list! You know what, we’re moving on before this gives us an aneurysm.

Arrrrghhh! Too late!

#4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond

“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”

Most were only scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though (or books in general).

Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again.

#3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”

“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King.”

Don’t worry, David Caruso is on the case.

Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ option.

#2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies

“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”

Precedent shows “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t going to be a metaphor.

Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include women kicking ass:

“Feminists started all the wars,” one anonymous member said.

Misogynists want her to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and make babies and sandwiches.

That’s a lot of cheek not-turning.

#1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie

The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3?

Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy.

Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2, even though it’s absolutely not happening.

How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway?

Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem:

Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves.

That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie.

A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous.

Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything you read, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-hollywood-stories-you-see-everywhere-that-are-always-bs/

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mycasandstarrs · 6 years ago

Text

SPN 6x01: “Exile on Main St.”

The era of Sera Gamble begins.

One Year Ago: Sam and Adam/Michael fall into the cage. Dean goes to Lisa and has lived his apple pie life for a year.

“Beautiful Loser” by Bob Seger.

Dean looks miserable.

I do love this montage tho.

Dean having barbecues, exactly as he promised.

The shot gun and holy water under his bed. He hasn’t fully let go.

New title card.

Hey, El Sol!

I wonder how many new friends Dean made, and how many of them he actually liked. I don’t know, I never got the sense that Dean really liked Sid all that much, just that they were very casual friends.

“I lived on the road... Took, uh, crap jobs that nobody else wanted.”

“Like what?”

“Like...pest control.”

“Really? Pest control?”

“Yeah. You get to work with a partner. You get to help people. You have no idea what's in some people's walls. It could eat 'em alive.”

A vague, but still very true, description of his former life.

OOOHHHH I’M JUST NOW REALIZING THAT THAT’S THE DJINN AND HER “FLIRTY ARM TOUCH” WAS HER POISONING DEAN.

OF COURSE, BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER THAT DEAN THINKS HE HEARS/SEES THINGS.

Dean can just immediately snap back into hunter mode.

Dean continues to see things.

Scared by a Yorkie for the second time.

“I thought that was a possum. Remember when I said I was in pest control? Well, possums carry rabies, so...” Dean’s lying skills are rusty.

I’m telling you, Dean just IMMEDIATELY snaps back into hunter mode.

That’s...kinda true?? Like, he thinks there’s a demon, but really there’s a djinn.

Lisa is so patient with him.

He kept John’s things in a specific, separate box.

Azazel!! (Except, not really.)

“You can't outrun your past.”

Sam. (Except, not entirely.)

“Hey, Dean. I was expecting, uh... I don't know, a hug, some holy water in the face -- something.”

Dean automatically thought he was dead and in heaven.

You know what sucks ass, is that even on first viewing I knew something was wrong with Sam but I pushed those feelings down because I wanted Dean to have something good. Damn it.

Cas is mute, according to Sam.

“You finally had what you wanted, Dean.”

“I wanted my brother, alive!”

“You wanted a family. You have for a long time, maybe the whole time. I know you. You only gave it up because of the way we lived. But you had something, and you were building something.

There’s...a lot of truths here, but I only see them as half truths? Like, yes, Dean does want a family, but it ain’t really family if Sam’s not there.

“Had I shown up, Dean, you would have just run off.” Sam’s right.

And it’s rather sad how quickly Dean kinda renounces the entire year he just had.

“I hooked up with some other people.”

“You? Working with strangers?”

Sam has always been about working with others for the sake of cooperation. I’m not exactly sure why Dean thought that was strange.

Let me just go ahead and say it: the Campbells suck ass.

Gwen, Christian, and Mark. Campbell. Only ONE of these three is redeemable, and she just said the dumbest shit right off the bat.

Samuel Campbell. welcome back, you old bastard.

MOTE: djinn

“Oh, I know a few things. Stick around, I'll show you tricks your daddy never even dreamed of.” You know what tho, he’s right. He had a djinn cure and they also have a vampire cure too.

“You got to take me home right now.” “Home”, awww.

RIP Johnny Campbell. Killed by djinn. We hardly knew ye.

Awww, group hug.

The brother of your live-in boyfriend is back from the dead. What a moment to go through.

Bobby!!!

I like how Dean thinks Sam’s appearance is gonna be a surprise to Bobby; he had that look you give someone when they’re opening a gift you gave them.

Bobby also knew about Sam.

Bobby can’t even look Dean in the eye.

“Do you have any clue what walking away meant for me?”

“Yeah -- a woman and a kid and not getting your guts ripped out at age 30.”

Umm, that’s technically already happened to Dean.

I’m sorry, but can’t Lisa and Ben hear all this??

Like I said earlier, I’m so sad on Lisa’s behalf on how quickly Dean just...drops everything that he’s lived through in the past year with them. Not that he doesn’t love them, but it’s clear he would’ve dropped them almost immediately if Sam had shown up on their doorstep a year ago.

But to be withheld of such important information for a year...poor Dean.

“Look, I get it wasn't easy. But that's life! And it's as close to happiness as I've ever seen a hunter get. It ain't like I wanted to lie to you, son. But you were out, Dean.”

“Do I look out to you?”

“Me and Sam, we’re gonna head out.”

“For how long?”

Oohhh, that face Lisa just made...Lisa knew. The beginning of the end.

“You’re saying goodbye.”

“I’m saying I’m sorry...for everything. Everything.”

“You're an idiot. I mean, I know it wasn't greeting-card perfect, but we were in it together.”

Lisa is fucking awesome, y’all.

“Yeah, well, the guy that basically just saved the world shows up at your door, you expect him to have a couple of issues. And you're always so amazing with Ben. You know what I wanted, more than anything was a guy that Ben could look up to like a dad. “

Ouch. (But that was my point exactly. Lisa saw it as the best year of her life, while Dean just...saw it as one of the worst of his.)

“What’s the plan?”

“Well, right now, we stock up, get set.”

“So you’re saying there’s no plan.”

I wonder how often Dean reminded Samuel of Mary.

“Relax, Dean. We got it handled. Djinn are hard to draw out. Now, you've been out of the game for a while. Leave it to the professionals.” He helped saved the fucking world, you asshole.

I would be so fucking pissed if snarky ass people came into my house and started touching EVERYTHING.

“intranet” That’s actually rather cute.

“You know, believe it or not, I...I get it, Dean. You wanted a normal life. Your mom wanted a normal life, too. You remind me of her, actually. The attitude, for one thing.” Yep, called it earlier!

Samuel started off...fairly well. He was kinda like another Bobby, except even more crotchety.

“What I'm saying is that we're your blood. And we're out there dying, trying to get in front of whatever this is. Maybe not the best time for golf.” Well, Dean didn’t even know all this shit was going down. Hell, he barely knows y’all. And it’s not easy to just up and leave after building a life with someone for a year.

I almost want to take back what I said earlier, Mark’s alright. Christian’s the true asshole.

Backup’s gotta go.

“Whoever brought you back...”

“They don't want to be found.”

(Oohhhhh, like the certain angel who’s been avoiding you.)

“Dean, I don't want to talk about it. I'm back. I get to breathe fresh air, have a beer, hunt with my family, see you again. So why exactly would I want to think about Hell?” That’s completely fair.

RIP Sid and his wife. Killed by djinn.

Welp.

Golf clubs not so ridiculous anymore, huh?

Oohh boy. Dean’s hallucinations are god awful.

RIP djinn. Killed by Samuel.

Sketchy ass behavior from the start.

Dean decides to stay with Lisa and Ben...but more out of wanting to protect them than to genuinely want to be with them.

“You just went. You didn't hesitate. Because you care, and that's who you are. Me? I wouldn't even think to try.”

“Yes you would.”

“No, Dean.”

Our veerryy first red flag. Sam knew he needed someone with heart...and soul.

Would Sam denying the Impala be red flag #2? I’ll go ahead and say it is. Something about the reason why Sam denies taking Baby (because he has his own car set up how he likes it) rubs me the wrong way.

This...just feels all kinds of wrong.

#supernatural #spn summer rewatch #spn liveblog #spn 6x01 #exile on main st.

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yahoo-puck-daddy-blog · 7 years ago

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Puck Daddy Bag of Mail: Thanksgiving, doomed teams and the next worst contract

Somebody is going to overpay for John Carlson this summer. (Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

Well folks, Happy Thanksgiving if you live in the good ol’ US of A, and happy regular boring Thursday if you’re from Canada. You don’t have some weird holiday that lines up with ours, right? But you get Black Friday off or something? I can’t remember. Hard to keep it all straight. Boxing Day, honestly what is that?

Anyway, it’s a weird and bad thing happening, but there aren’t any NHL games Thursday night, despite the fact that hey, almost a quarter of the damn league doesn’t play in the United States. It doesn’t make any sense to me and someone was very nice to ask the first question about that very subject, so I’ll get to talk about it more.

So before you enjoy your turkey and stuffing (which is gross by the way) and mashed potatoes and whatever else you’re having, let’s wade together into yet another mailbag and talk all about how the NHL is being too weird this season:

Greg asks: “Why is there no hockey today?”

I can only assume the answer is, “Because the NHL doesn’t want anyone to accidentally stumble on the sport in a post-turkey stupor and find out they like it.”

In reality, it’s the same reason the NHL has occasionally moved away from doing the Winter Classic on New Year’s Day, or playing on Christmas: They don’t want the ratings competition from sports that are far more popular. Thanksgiving is a day for the NFL, just like Christmas is for the NBA, and New Year’s Day is for college football.

If the NHL is gonna have an all-day hockey binge fest, it’s always going to be on some random Saturday in January, when no one knows about it and probably has other stuff to do, after the NFL has already gone to Saturday games or gone into the playoffs.

It’s the same reason the NHL will often have a Saturday where 28 of 31 teams are playing, and puck drop for more than half the games are at 7 p.m.: No one really thinks hockey fans just want to watch hockey for 12 hours straight.

Or, in the case of Thanksgiving, even literally one hockey game between two Canadian teams to keep the diehards happy. The league doesn’t care about the diehards.

Jonah asks: “Who is going to receive the next new terrible contract in the league?”

It’s an interesting mix of guys out there who will be UFAs this summer, that’s for sure. A lot of them are pretty old, or at least a little past 30, and not particularly likely to get a big long-term deal. Some of the higher-end guys also happen to be pretty good.

Someone is, of course, going to get overpaid. That’s the nature of free agency. And looking at the list of guys who could be available on July 1, only one really stands out to me as a guy who’s about to get overpaid by a decent amount: John Carlson. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not terrible or anything, but he’s scoring at the highest rate of his career right now and posting his first positive corsi-relative numbers since 2010-11. That’s like the dictionary definition of contract-year over-performance and much like Karl Alzner last season, you feel as though he’s gonna get too many years and too much money.

Will the contract be “terrible?” That remains to be seen. But it probably won’t be good.

The dark horse candidate here is, of course, Jack Johnson, because there’s always the potential for him to get $4 million AAV for four years somewhere. But the way things have gone for him in Columbus the past few years, I’m less optimistic about that as I would have been in 2015.

Rich asks: “I’m an Islanders fan, but even I’m wondering, is there any good reason for John Tavares to re-sign with the Isles?”

Not really, man. For real, this is an okay team at this point. Solid in a lot of positions, but not good enough to really go on any sort of deep run unless some serious flukes happen. Plus there’s the whole arena thing, which is an understandable concern for anyone.

I honestly don’t see why, besides his comfort and loyalty to the organization or something like that, he would want to stay with the Islanders. I feel the same way about Erik Karlsson, who’s a UFA in 2019-20 along with Drew Doughty. Woo baby.

Marc asks: “If you are below 20 points as of today, are you eliminated from the playoffs?

Let’s assume you’re gonna need 94 points to make the playoffs this season. That’s about where it’s been the past few years.

And let’s also keep in mind that the only teams with fewer than 20 points at the time the question was asked (ahead of Wednesday’s slate of games) were also the only ones playing at a pace of fewer than one point per game. These are the bad teams in the league, in terms of results and how the media is treating them, and there are only five of them: Montreal, Edmonton, Florida, Buffalo and Arizona.

All of them need to play at a pace of at least 103 points for the remainder of their schedules, and it’s very, very hard to do that. Especially if you’re bad in key positions, which all of them are. Tough to see a way out of the woods here, and it’s getting dark. Another week of losing might do it for all of them.

Some of the bubble teams in your scenario are a little interesting. In all, there are another 11 teams that will need to play at a pace of at least 95 points the rest of the way to hit that plateau. Doesn’t mean it’s impossible for, say, Dallas, Chicago, San Jose, Minnesota, Washington or the Rangers to do it, but a lot of things would have to start going right.

Roy asks: “With so many teams in need of D depth why aren’t more borderline forward prospects converted to D. Is the skill set much different?”

It’s an interesting question because it happens every once in a while, but it’s pretty rare, and it’s even rarer that guys have a lot of success doing it. Brent Burns might be the only guy I can really think of who was able to do that at a high level.

And that’s really the issue, right? “At a high level.” I don’t think the skills necessary to be a defenseman are all that different from being forward, in and of themselves. You need to be able to move the puck up the ice, get your stick in passing lanes, and so on, regardless of your position. I think the issue becomes rewiring your brain as, say, a center to go “Oh I need to be 25 feet back and to my right now.”

So much of what makes players effective, especially within extant coaching systems, is the ability to know what to do without thinking about it. That’s Hockey IQ, right? So if you’ve spent the past 15 years or whatever learning hockey as a forward, to suddenly be asked to succeed as a defenseman is going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for most guys who are, as you say “borderline” forward prospects.

Tom asks via email: “What would your USA Hockey roster with NHLers look like? And do you think they’d have a real shot at gold?”

Well, Tom provided a potential roster of the following:

Johnny Gaudreau – Auston Matthews – Patrick Kane Max Pacioretty – Jack Eichel – Phil Kessel Brandon Saad – Dylan Larkin – Blake Wheeler James van Riemsdyk – Joe Pavelski – TJ Oshie Clayton Keller – JT Miller

Ryan Suter – Ryan McDonough Justin Faulk – John Carlson Zach Werenski – Seth Jones Shayne Gostisbehere – Cam Fowler (or Matt Niskanen)

Cory Schneider Connor Hellebuyck Jonathan Quick (or Jimmy Howard)

I don’t want to be too boring here, but apart from a few quibbles with where guys are slotted into the lineup (you gotta get those Columbus boys more ice time!) this looks about right.

This is, however, not a group that can be meaningfully competitive with a full-strength Canadian roster, unless one of the goalies gets Ryan Miller-in-Vancouver hot, or the whole team starts scoring at a high rate. As has been the case for a few years, a well-constructed U.S. roster probably has a top-six that matches up well with the Canadian middle-six, and a big problem in the blue line matchups. I’d still take the U.S. goaltending battery over whatever the Canadians put together, especially with Carey Price no longer being alive.

Keith asks: “Any signs of hope for Travis Hamonic despite a mediocre start in Calgary?”

You’re being really nice to call his start mediocre. He’s been quite bad for the last little while, despite playing with T.J. Brodie, and it looks like the only way he’s gonna work himself out of it is if he gets dropped to the third pairing and gets his game back together against lower-skilled guys.

JD asks: “If a beer leaguer were put on an NHL team and given 10 minutes a night, how long before they luck into a goal?”

If we’re not counting empty-netter scenarios, I would imagine it would take thousands of minutes. Brendan Gaunce is a forward who played more than 540 minutes in all situations last year and didn’t have a goal. This despite being a pretty good AHL scorer.

Yeah, that’s bad luck, but buddy, if a guy who has 44 points in his last 56 AHL games can’t get a goal in the NHL in 500-plus minutes, some 35-year-old who isn’t a professional athlete would probably take multiple seasons to do it.

Alexandre asks: “Who do you think is likely the worst tipper (pizza, restaurant) in the NHL?”

It’s one of the vocal MAGA guys, for sure.

—

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

#_revsp:21d636bb-8aa8-4731-9147-93a932d2b27a #_uuid:0fcde110-1477-3bf8-8529-4e4e879deca3 #_lmsid:a077000000CFoGyAAL #_author:Ryan Lambert

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