#they all get shoved into the same list but it's not like tumblr lets me record why i blocked them.

[orcelito]

Yet again hindered by the "this reply is hidden because you have the user blocked" message. It has me Almost wondering whether I'd be better off not blocking so many people. So that I can freely be a nosy bitch.

Almost, but not quite. My block list is for my sanity, after all.

[bicth-and-in-that-order]

Let’s talk about THAT CaitVi scene and the fandom’s response to it

All cards out on the table, I used to adore CaitVi. I was there in the trenches reading the fanfics, watching the shipping videos, even going on fucking dynasty scans for the fanart + doujinshis😭 (iykyk). I loved CaitVi down bad, and of all the things I was most excited for in S2, this ship becoming canon was near the top of the list. I say this to say I don’t come from a place of apathy or hatred when it comes to this ship, but just genuine disappointment and disgust for how it was mishandled in season 2. Particularly when it comes to the abuse.

In preparation of this rant, I did my homework to fully understand both sides. I watched this video:

Which explains Cait’s behavior and even addresses her physical abuse. And, as much as it pains me to say this, I looked through the CaitVi tag on tumblr and read as many posts as I could defending Caitlyn and CaitVi as a ship.

Before I begin, I think it would be fair to lay out the main defense before tearing into these people. So let’s talk about Cait:

The main thesis of “Stop Me Oh’s” video and many other CaitVi shippers is that Caitlyn is someone who doesnt like to communicate her feelings and thinks actions speak louder than words. By helping Vi without hesitation during Act 2 and putting aside her grief to allow Vi a chance to talk to Jinx, someone who murdered her mother, Cait is already showing immense remorse. She’s taking steps to make amends for her actions and proving that her love and trust in Vi outweighs her desire to get revenge. She doesn’t need to actually utter a single apology when she’s done more than enough to make up for her misgivings.

And excusing the whole fascist thing, ALL she did was hit Vi. She didn’t kill the poor thing like Jayce and they weren’t fighting to death like Ekko and Jinx:

And, let’s be honest, wouldn’t you do the same? Put yourself Cait’s shoes. Imagine your family was blown up by your partner’s crazy lunatic sister. You watched her turn your world upside down. And while your partner is fully supportive of hunting down your mother’s murderer, she suddenly switches up when it’s time to actually go through with it. She’s stopping you from shooting this deranged killer all because you MIGHT shoot some annoying child. And then you miss the best chance you’ll ever get to take down this terrorist and your partner comes crawling back to you, talking about how you’re just like that murderer. Then, in the heat of the moment, you hit her with the butt of your gun. You hit her and you abandon her in a hole while she cries on the ground. It’s harsh, but doesn’t she deserve it?

Don’t you see? Cait is a poor rich girl who lost her mother. Unlike these other murderers and thugs, all she did was hit Vi during a moment of passion and would never, ever, ever, ever, do it again. Vi should be grateful Cait even let her see her only family, she could’ve just fucking killed the bitch.

Okay. Jokes asides, let’s just address each of these points one by one.

1. Cait already apologized through her actions

This is the most common defense I see for Cait, and it’ll be the lengthiest one too.

So my question is: For what?

Ignoring the fact that verbally apologizing IS an action, how does Cait deciding not to pursue Jinx and allowing Vi to see her only family correlate to her making amends for the physical abuse?At the very least , I can see Cait siding against Ambessa and admitting she fell for propaganda as “apologizing” for her turning to fascism. I guess. But what is Cait atoning for exactly when she helps out Vi? I’ll try to explain what I think it is:

When Cait says Vi has Jinx’s blood, shoves her gun into her stomach, and leaves her in a ditch, that represents her no longer trusting Vi. Cait thinks she’ll choose Jinx over her. So later, when Cait sides with Vi and allows her to see Jinx, it’s shows that she’s willing to trust Vi again and her judgement of character. Which Vi understands. When we think about it this way, Cait hitting Vi isn’t read as “physical abuse” by the narrative because the physical act of violence isn’t the issue the writers are trying to portray. No, the issue is Cait no longer trusting Vi. Physical abuse was just used as a vehicle to convey Cait’s distrust of Vi, who she now sees as a stranger/enemy….for like, an episode or two, then switches up lol.

But my point in saying all of this is, Cait isn’t really “apologizing through her actions” about the physical abuse. In fact, that was never even a consideration. And no, we’re not going to brush it off by saying “well shouldn’t this count for Cait hitting Vi too”. If we’re to take physical abuse seriously, and WE ARE you freaks, this is an offense that Cait needs to address separately. Properly.

Imagine if someone punched you in the face then stole your cookies. They never apologize to you for anything, but over the following days, they buy you cookies, maybe even some milk. Do you think these actions are enough of an “apology” for punching you in the fucking face? If they are then you need some serious help.

Ah, and contrary to the popular belief that Cait doesn’t need to verbally apologize bc she shows her actions through words and yadda yadda yadda, Cait does, in fact, try to apologize in Jinx’s suicide cell. About fucking Maddie. Then she gets cut off. You would think Cait wouldn’t feel the need to apologize about Maddie since “aCtIonS sPeAk LoUdeR tHaN wOrDs” but I guess Cait picks and choose what she feels sorry about.

And I can already hear the counter argument. “It’s not about if I forgive Cait, but if Vi does since she’s the victim. Cait and Vi kiss and make up, and by the season’s end, they’re a couple. Therefore, Vi forgives Cait about everything.”

Putting aside the cycle of abuse, my question is: how does Vi feel about Cait hitting her? And vice versa. Since the fandom loves throwing “media literacy” around so much, let’s put that to the test. While the physical abuse is never brought up, hinted at, thought about, or addressed ever again (much like how the fandom treats it), that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about the implications.

If Vi doesn’t specifically mention the physical abuse, what does that mean for her character? Did Vi think she deserved it, or maybe she was just used to it, maybe she thought it was in the heat of the moment and Cait would never hurt her again (super toxic mindset btw), etc etc.

If Cait never mentions her physically abusing Vi, what does that mean for her character? Does she even care, does she think she was justified, did she think Vi could take it, why is Maddie the first thing she apologizes about and not hitting Vi and leaving her in a dank hole?

Because we could easily be getting into toxic/abusive territory, and when it comes to physical violence, there’s very little wiggle room for a more positive interpretation.

2. These characters aren’t perfect, they’re flawed

So this argument falls back on the “well pobody’s nerfect” defense and to that extent I agree. I think Cait is selfish and callous, but all the other characters who have similar flaws (think Silco, Marco, Ambessa, probably more) end up fucking dying and/or have actual narrative consequences. I’ve seen people argue that Cait losing her eye is a narrative consequence and IT IS for Cait’s alt right phase and choosing to follow Ambessa but it’s NOT for hitting Vi. Neither is Maddie betraying her. An appropriate narrative consequence would’ve been Vi leaving her ass, but I promise you the same people defending Cait would’ve had a thousand think pieces about how the writers sabotaged Cait’s character. Arcane is NOT a show about bad people getting away with bad things either.

3. Well Jayce killed Viktor / Ekko and Jinx tried to kill each other

So this argument acknowledges Cait’s abuse and her lack of apology but tries to deflect by claiming the other couples are violent, if not more. Even though this is a classic whataboutism, I’ll address it. I won’t acknowledge the timebomb side of the argument because it’s incredibly dumb, but for Jayvik, where do we begin? Recall that after Cait and Vi kissed, they were on romantic terms. That’s why Cait even bothers bringing up Maddie, and it’s really more so to let the viewer know Cait will excuse abuse but draws the line at infidelity. During Act 2, Jayce and Viktor are enemies and Viktor will literally kill everyone if he continues on his path. Jayce could have at least talked to Viktor first, but the writers chose to make him deranged or whatever so that was out of the question. And again, they’re enemies. Fighting isn’t off the table, even killing. If Viktor sucker punched Jayce while they were astral projecting together, then that might be analogous to Cait and Vi, but they don’t.

4. Not all relationships are perfect

This is one is similar to point two, but I’m taking a different angle. No, not all relationships are perfect, but I would never call physical abuse a “flaw” that’s to be expected in a normal, healthy relationship. Once you introduce violence, we call that abusive. I didn’t know we were in dire need of an abusive lesbian relationship, but I’ll walk with you.

If Arcane had the balls, CaitVi could’ve been portrayed as the toxic yuri couple it clearly is. They could’ve leaned into Vi being desperate enough to take Cait back and Cait not giving a single fuck about hitting Vi and leaving her. And if they did, this post wouldn’t exist. But they don’t. We’re genuinely supposed to like this slop and view it as a good thing because they kiss and play fun pop music while they fuck instead of the more appropriate “Poison” (by Bell Biv DeVoe ofc).

5. Well Jinx did XYZ to Vi

Another whataboutism. At risk of making this post longer than it already is, I’m gonna be brief. Yes, Jinx did awful things to Vi, but the narrative properly punishes Jinx for all of her actions (I mean the girl literally sacrifices herself) and wastes no time calling her out, especially Vi. Behind Cait, Vi is Jinx’s biggest hater. Literally chokes the girl out on sight. So let’s not pretend there’s some hypocrisy going on here, though it doesn’t escape me that many Cait fans end up being Jinx haters.

With that, I think I’ve covered all the major defenses for Caitvi’s physical abuse. All I can say is that the relationship is fucked and Vi deserves better.

[justagalwhowrites]

Halcyon - Ch. 18: I Fucking Heard You

You and Joel adjust to life apart. A continuation of Halcyon from the prologue through Ch. 17, a modern no outbreak AU TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Angst. Modern No Outbreak AU, No use of Y/N, Slow burn, 18+ only, Minors DNI

Length: 8.3k

AO3 | Main Master List | Prologue | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

January, 2008 

He was going to actually do it this time. 

Joel was sitting outside your apartment building, drumming against the steering wheel of his truck, desperate to work out some of the anxious energy that kept building and building inside of him. 

But he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore, he was done trying to pretend like he didn’t love you. He was going to say it. 

Actually say it. 

For real this time. 

He’d ignored it as long as he could manage, shoved it down and tried to kill it by going out with practically every girl in school for even longer. He didn’t want to ruin things between the two of you, he was terrified of that more than he was of just about anything else. You mattered more to him than anyone, he couldn’t lose you, especially not to his own stupidity. But he couldn’t keep how he felt separate from your friendship, either. He loved you so much he felt like he was choking on it, like it had to go somewhere outside of himself or he was going to lose his damn mind with it. 

So he’d finally worked up the courage to tell you. Rip the bandaid off. Maybe it wouldn’t blow up in his face, maybe… maybe you’d tell him you felt the same way. Maybe you’d grab him and kiss him the way he pretended you would when he thought about you when he was alone. Maybe you’d tell him you changed your mind about going across the country, maybe you’d go to college here in Austin and you’d move in together and he’d get to be next to you all the time. 

This, he decided, was the perfect night for it. There was a meteor shower he’d heard about on the news and he talked you into going to the park to watch it. It seemed right, telling you this with the whole galaxy stretched out in front of you. Things were changing tonight. He could feel it. 

He watched as you more fell than climbed out of your window, landing in the bushes and clumsily pulling yourself free of them before dashing to his truck. 

“What are you wearin’ Goldie Girl?” He teased as you got in, the collar of a second sweatshirt visible below your hoodie, the sleeves unusually bulky. 

“What!” You asked, brows raised. “It’s January! It’s cold! And… I couldn’t risk waking up my mom by going to the coat closet for my jacket.” 

Joel snorted. 

“I’m counting on you to keep me warm out there, Miller,” you said, buckling up as Joel started driving, his heart beating out a frantic rhythm against his ribs. “This whole thing was your idea.” 

“I got blankets,” he said. “Not gonna let you freeze.” 

As he drove, the two of you caught up on everything that had happened in the few hours it had been since you’d last seen him - no time at all, really, but it always dragged for Joel. It seemed like he was always just marking time until he got to see you again. He was almost always with you until curfew. Then, awake for an hour, sleep for eight, wake up and then just an hour before he was at your door again, picking you up to take you to school. Then it was three and a half hours until lunch - which you always had with him - then just an hour until your single shared class - newspaper, which he’d joined to make you happy - and then two hours until school was done and he was with you again.

You told Joel about Anna’s issues in school and Joel told you about his mom’s frustrations with his own grades. You rolled your eyes at him but smiled a little as you scolded him and told him you’d help him study, he just had to actually do it and he smiled and nodded along because he knew that. You were always trying to bring out the best in him. You were the only one who could.

“Oh, and, there’s the one really big thing,” you said as Joel parked his truck. 

“I got a big thing, too,” he said. Your eyes lit up at that, always ready to be excited for him. “Yours first.” 

“OK. So, you know Steve?” You asked, brows raised.

“Steve,” Joel frowned, trying to picture someone the both of you knew named Steve. 

“Yeah, Steve,” you said. “You know, Steve…” 

“You can keep saying his name all you want, I still don’t know who you mean,” he laughed. 

“Steve,” you said again, incredulous. “The yearbook editor, Steve.” 

“Oh!” He said, picturing the guy now. “Yeah, OK, Steve. Right. What about him?” 

“Well,” you said sitting up a little straighter. “He asked me out.” 

Joel just stared at you for a moment, blinking in shock. His stomach sank. He had the strange feeling that he was falling from some great height, not unlike what he felt when riding a roller coaster with you except there was no safety harness to keep him from tumbling to the earth. 

“What?” He said eventually. 

“Steve asked me out,” you said, chin up like you were proud. “I actually have a date, I’m not just hanging out with you for a change!” 

“You said yes?” He asked, his mouth dry. 

“Yeah, of course I did! We’re going to go to the movies,” you said, beaming, before you realized that Joel apparently wasn’t reacting the way you expected. You cocked your head, frowning. “Why, should I not have? Is there something wrong with him?” 

“No,” he said quickly. “No, sure he’s fine, I just… didn’t know you liked ‘im is all.” 

“I mean,” you shrugged. “He’s not bad looking and he’s funny and he’s smart and he writes… We have a lot in common. What’s not to like?”

Of course. Of course you’d go for someone more like you, someone who was smart like you and didn’t fucking struggle in school like he did, someone who wrote like you instead of just fucked around with their entire life like he did. Why on Earth would you be interested in him? Why on Earth would you waste your fucking time on someone like him when you were so clearly meant for so much better? Not that Steve was fucking good enough for you. No one was, Joel included. 

“Right,” he said. He thought he might throw up. 

“What?” You said, laughing awkwardly. “Are you OK? You look weird…” 

“Fine,” he said quickly. “Just… You know. Be careful, guys can be assholes.” 

“Yeah, you’d know,” you teased. 

“No, I mean it,” Joel said. “Sure he seems like a decent guy but…” 

“But?” You asked, brows raised. 

“He don’t deserve you,” he said. 

You smiled then, gently, reaching out and putting your hand on his thigh and giving his leg a squeeze. 

“You’re sweet,” you said. “And you’re worried about nothing. It’s high school. It’s a date. It’s not like we’re getting married. Oh, maybe we could all go out together sometime! Once you pick the new flavor of the week, I mean. I’ll actually have someone to go with now.” 

“Yeah,” Joel said, forcing himself to smile. “Yeah, that’d be fun.” 

He gathered up the blankets and set them out in the bed of his truck and he helped pull you into it, settling in just as the meteor shower started overhead. You pressed yourself close to him and he could feel the heat of your breath on his skin and fuck he wished it could have been him you said yes to. 

“Oh, what was your thing?” You asked, looking up at him from where your head was nestled against his chest. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to derail the conversation…” 

“Oh, uh,” Joel said, scrambling for something - anything - to say. “Tommy… decided to take after his big brother and go out for football next year.” 

“Nice!” You said, looking back at the sky again. “You’re going to put him through his paces before, right? Teach him how to take a hit?” 

Joel scoffed. 

“Course,” he said. “What kind of big brother would I be if I didn’t.” 

The two of you watched stars streak across the sky for hours. Joel set an alarm on his phone because he knew you’d sleep through one on yours and you snuggled close to him under the blankets. 

“You were right,” you said, voice sleepy. “This is really cool. Thanks for talking me into it.” 

“Course,” he said, resisting the urge to kiss you. “I’d do anything for you… Love you, Goldie.” 

You smiled against him. 

“Love you, too,” you said. 

He held you close and wondered what it would be like if you meant it the same way he did.  

***

September, 2023

“Aunt Goldie?” 

You looked up from painting Sarah’s toenails to see her watching you, her head cocked and a serious expression on her face, one that was partially obscured by the facial mask you’d applied before you’d started in on her nails during your at home spa day. 

“Niece Sarah?”

“Why are you and my dad still in a fight?” She asked. 

You just blinked for a moment, taking a moment to process her question. It caught you off guard - not that it should have. Things had been very different since her birthday party months earlier and Sarah was a smart kid. It made sense that she would notice. You just hadn’t prepared an answer - something that felt like a massive oversight now that it was in front of you. 

“What makes you think that we’re in a fight?” You said eventually, putting the brush back in the jar of polish before you dripped on the floor. 

“You never come over anymore,” she said. 

“Well, I live back at my own house now,” you said, starting in on her toes again. 

“Duh,” Sarah said and you could practically hear her eyes roll. “But even before you and Ellie lived with us you came over all the time and you don’t anymore. And my dad never comes here with me, he always just drops me off.” 

“We both have a lot going on,” you said, happy you had an excuse to not be looking her in the eye. “It’s not…” 

“I’m not stupid, you know,” she said and you looked up then, her gaze serious as she watched you closely. “I know something happened.” 

You finished her pinky toe and closed the nail polish with a sigh. 

“Sarah…” 

“My dad’s been acting different,” she cut you off, a little heated, and you frowned. 

“Different?” You asked. “Different how?” 

“He’s just…” she sighed. “I think he’s sad. He tries to pretend like he’s not and that everything’s normal but I know him and I can tell. I don’t know what happened but I think it’s stupid that you guys just aren’t talking or whatever right now. I wish you’d just figure it out.” 

You looked at Sarah, at her wide and hopeful eyes, and tried to figure out how to explain this to her.

How did you tell her that you weren’t sure how to move past how her father - the person you loved most in the world - apparently saw you? That you needed space from him because you couldn’t let yourself revolve around him anymore? That it wasn’t good for you to have your life so intertwined with someone who would, inevitably, go on to have a life outside of you?

It had been a strange two months, not seeing and even really speaking to Joel. 

The first day was strange. It was just you and Ellie and your cat in your house that had done nothing beyond collect dust in the months since your niece was born. 

Being there, alone, with Ellie made you nervous and you were sure she could sense it in you somehow, like she knew you were unworthy and letting her down by taking her away from the one fully competent person in her life because you were too selfish and couldn’t move past your own shit. 

To make matters worse, your mind kept going back to Joel and the strange life the two of you had made together in the months you’d lived with him. He’d become built into everything, the rhythm of your life out of sync without him and Sarah there, too. You missed both of them so much it hurt but it was especially painful with Joel. You missed the way the two of you would navigate around each other in the kitchen in the morning, his hand so often finding your hip or the small of your back when he needed to reach around you or move past you. The way you could hold your toothbrush out and he would put the right amount of toothpaste on it before going to bed at the end of the day. The way he would just open your beer for you when he got you one, because - while you didn’t need him to - he knew you didn’t like getting your nails under the pull tab of the can or twisting the cap on the bottles. 

Joel knew you. You’d been married a decade and you weren’t sure your husband had ever known you the way Joel did. He’d certainly never done things like that for you. Joel did. That was part of why that moment after Sarah’s party had caught you so off guard. You’d thought you meant more to him than that, that you were more than one of the women he’d pick up, have fun with for a night or a week or a month and then cast aside.

But then he shoved you against the wall in his kitchen and fucked you with his fingers like all you were to him was something physical, telling you how no one could fuck you like he did, as though that was the only thing that would matter. 

You tried to shove that keen loneliness that came with missing him down by focusing on Ellie and pouring your every thought onto the page. You just kept your niece as close as possible all the time, keeping her strapped to your chest as you sat at your desk to write until it felt like your brain was going numb or got your house cleaned up or made dinner or went for a walk just to get out of your own head for a bit. You hoped that all but smothering her with closeness would keep her from realizing the coldly obvious thing that was your desperation and it was a relief when you took her to the rehab facility to pick up Anna. 

This time, things with Anna and Ellie were smooth. Or as close to smooth as you could get with someone coming out of months of inpatient therapy and an infant. Anna seemed nervous with Ellie at first, hesitating and double checking everything, her eyes going from her daughter’s face to yours like she wanted your approval for how she was doing. 

“This is right?” She asked as she held the bottle while cradling Ellie in the way that Joel had shown you. 

“Yeah,” you smiled gently. “You’ve got it.” 

“Yeah,” Anna said, looking back down at Ellie and smiling a little, too. “I think I do.” 

You pulled back slowly then. 

The first two weeks, you were more hands on, doing at least 50% of the work of caring for Ellie, going with Anna daily to meetings and therapy, writing as much as you could and keeping Joel far from your mind. 

But, after a little while, Anna started to naturally take on more and more. The two of you went from splitting the overnight Ellie care to Anna handling everything. Slowly but surely, she took over everything and, by week five, all you were doing was watching as she cared for her daughter. 

“If you wanted to move back home, I think I’m ready,” she said one afternoon as she fed Ellie while you made some tweaks to the plot of your novel in your story notebook. 

“Are you sure?” You asked, setting your pen down, eyebrows drawn together. 

“Yeah,” she said. “Why, do you think I’m not?” 

“No!” You said quickly. “No, I think you’re doing great. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m abandoning you.” 

“It won’t be like it was before,” she smiled, a twinge of sadness in her expression as she did. “I know her now. I know me now. I’ve got this, I don’t need to hold you back anymore.” 

“You’re not…” you began, but she cut you off. 

“I am,” she said. “You have a life outside of me and her and you put it on hold because I couldn’t get my shit together…” 

“You just needed help…” you interjected, but she ignored you.

“…And I’m so sorry I put that on you,” she continued. “I’ll owe you forever for taking care of my daughter when I couldn’t. But we don’t need your help now, you can go back to your life. It’s OK. I promise.” 

You didn’t have the heart to tell her that, really, you didn’t have a life. Outside of your work, your book and your cat, you had nothing. You needed her more than she needed you. 

You’d tried to start getting a life of your own, getting out of the house and doing things on your own, well before this conversation. The first time you’d left Anna alone with Ellie for a few hours, you’d gone out with Tim, the man you’d met at Sarah’s party. 

It was a fine date. It would have been a great one had it been someone else but all you could think about when you looked at him was Joel forcing you to come on his fingers in his kitchen as he said over and over that no one else could make you feel like he did. 

Things fizzled out quickly when you realized it wasn’t something you could really get over. Since then, you hadn’t bothered with Tinder or trying to reach out to Alyssa or anyone else in town. The only person you’d really texted outside of Sarah and Anna was Gale. 

You hadn’t responded to anything your estranged husband had sent since you’d moved in with Joel but then, one day, he texted you something that made you respond. 

I didn’t want you to find this out on Facebook, that seemed wrong, but I wanted you to know that I became a father. 

You stared at the message, just a few days after Anna had said you could move back home, reading it as you held your sister’s infant daughter in your arms. You thought about ignoring it, shoving the strange, hollow feeling that was taking over the core of you down deep, but then he sent one more message, one you couldn’t just pretend he never sent at all. 

I’m sorry it wasn’t you. 

You held it together until Anna was done in the shower, giving Ellie to her and making up some excuse that you were sure she could tell was bullshit - something about a headache and feeling nauseated - so you could hide in the room that had become yours in the time you’d been at Anna’s. You buried your face in the pillow and screamed until your throat was raw and you were choking on your tears, barely able to breathe. 

It wasn’t you. It wasn’t you, not for anybody. He had been everything to you once but you hadn’t been anything to him, not really. It had never been you. 

This, you thought, you should have been used to by now. You’d always felt like you were on the fringes of your own life, the people at the center of your world putting you on the edges of theirs. Gale, when you’d first gotten together with him, was the first person since Joel who made you feel like you were a priority, like you actually mattered. That feeling had faded with time but that, you’d thought, was just a byproduct of what a whole life with someone meant. Of course he didn’t send you good morning texts with poetry anymore or get you flowers just because or go out of his way to get your favorite tea. You saw each other all the time, why would he?

But you’d been sure that, at least with your husband, you were the priority. Until he’d given you divorce papers, even through the months of distance and cold behavior, you’d thought that you were the priority.

Then you realized, you’d kept thinking that, even after he left, even now. The way the divorce had dragged on, the way he kept texting and calling and trying, some sad, sick part of yourself had latched onto that. That you were the important thing, that you were what mattered. Your marriage may have failed but you took some cold comfort in the fact that you’d at least left your mark on him.

But you hadn’t. You’d stopped sleeping together hardly more than a year ago and your husband already had a baby with another woman. Even in your marriage, you’d been on the fringes.

When you stopped crying enough that you could see clearly, you emailed your attorney.

Give him whatever he wants. I just need this to be done.

You knew what that meant. The last divorce agreement his lawyer had sent yours included shared rights to your own fucking book, him keeping the house without buying you out, him keeping the entirety of the 401k. He was asking for a lot but all you wanted then was to cut the tie as thoroughly as possible. As terrifying as it was to live in a world that made it seem like your marriage had never happened, it was better than this. 

Your lawyer called you to be sure, to try to talk you out of it, but you didn’t care. He could have whatever percentage of book rights he wanted, it's not like you could have created it without him. He could have the house, it’s not like you could ever live in it without him. He could have the entire state of Rhode Island for all you cared as long as you’d never be faced with the sharp reality of your marriage.

You wrote furiously when it was done, the words pouring out of you in a way they hadn’t since you’d written Halcyon. You barely slept or ate for days, canceling classes and writing until there wasn’t anything left inside you to say. You finished the manuscript, 33 chapters of your love and pain sitting in front of you. You stared at it for a moment, the cursor pulsing at the end of the final sentence. 

It was over. You weren’t sure what you were supposed to do now, but it was done. 

You were numb when you were on your couch a few days later, staring at the ceiling with nothing but your cat to keep you company, when your phone rang. You answered it without bothering to look at the screen, content to even talk to a telemarketer for a few minutes if it served as enough of a distraction.

“Hello?”

“What the hell is this, baby doll?”

You sat up fast enough that your head spun, pulling your phone away from your face to see Gale’s name on your screen. You put your ear to the phone again.

“What the hell is what?”

“This,” he said and you could hear the shuffle of papers on the other end.

“You realize we’re not on facetime, right?”

“You know what I mean,” he said. “This, the new divorce agreement your lawyer sent mine, what is this?”

You frowned, putting the call on speaker before going to your most recent email with your attorney and skimming the agreement. Your frown deepened.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” You asked. “I thought you’d be happy, I…”

“You think this is what I want?” He cut you off, sounding heated.

“Isn’t it what you asked for?” you asked. “I don’t think I missed anything, you should have everything you wanted, and…”

“What I asked for is outrageous,” he said. You heard him put something down with a little too much force on the other end – probably a mug, knowing him – the sound of the ceramic on wood sharp. “I knew that when I asked for it."

"OK," you said, pinching the bridge of your nose, taking the phone off speaker and holding it against your ear again. “What else do you want? Do you want me to say you won or something? Because…”

“I want you to reconsider,” he said.

You just sat there for a moment, blinking in shock.

“What?”

“You heard me,” he said. “What is this. Why are you giving in to me like this.” 

It still took you a moment to process what he said before you could manage to answer. 

“I’m just trying to give you what you want,” you said, voice thick. 

“You’ve never done that before,” he said. “Hell, even when we were together you never did that, you never just gave into me unless you wanted it, too. Why now.” 

“You…” you sighed. “You’re a father now, you have… there’s someone else in your life now, you have another life now, Gale, and you should live it. I’m holding you back, I don’t want to hold you back, I…” 

“You’ve never held me back,” he said. “I’ve told you that.” 

“Well, clearly I wasn’t right for you in some way or we wouldn’t be where we’re at right now,” you snapped without meaning to. “I’m not the one who wanted to separate, that was you.” 

“Yeah, well, I fucked up,” he said and you had to bite your tongue. “I was… I’ve never been with anyone as long as I was with you…” 

“Yeah, me ether,” you said voice still sharp. “I was with you for more than a third of my life Gale.” 

“I know that,” he said, speaking more gently than you. “I should have known better, I should have understood how things would change and I should have embraced your success instead of letting it hurt me…” 

“My success hurt you?” You asked quietly. 

He sighed heavily. 

“It did,” he said. “You thrived commercially in ways I never could. I envied that, so much that I couldn’t stand being around you.” 

“That’s it?” You asked. “That’s what made you leave me, the fact that I sold more books than you did?” 

“No, of course not,” he said. “But it’s… it’s what started it.” 

You almost laughed to keep yourself from crying because of course it was the one success you’d found that broke your marriage. Why would it be anything else? 

“That’s not what I was trying to do,” you said. 

“I know,” he said. “I was wondering if…” 

“Does Carla know you’re talking to me?” You asked, cutting him off. 

“Does she need to?” He asked. “You’re my wife.” 

“And she’s the mother of your child,” you said. “I’m not going to be the other woman in my own marriage. You need to figure out what you want.” 

“And if I want you?” He asked. 

You sighed. 

“You have a family now,” you said. “Think before you blow it up.” 

But ever since, Gale had been a bigger presence in your life than Joel. He’d started acting like he had in the early days of your relationship, sending you romantic texts and having flowers delivered to your house. 

Part of you knew you should resist it, that this wouldn’t lead anywhere good. There was a reason things had fallen apart once before, you knew they would again. But going back to him would be so easy. He was comfortable, familiar. There was a life the two of you had together that you knew you could fit back into now, if you wanted. It might be complicated - he had a child now - but it was there, right in front of you. 

You just weren’t sure if you wanted it. 

So you started talking with him. Not a lot, not like it had been before, but you were texting daily. He wanted to know about your book, how your classes were going, about your life in Texas. Part of you was waiting for the other foot to drop, for him to decide that he didn’t want you again, but he was consistent and that, at least, was something. 

Meanwhile, your only contact with Joel was in a group chat with Sarah. 

You might have needed space from Joel but you couldn’t just cut things off with Sarah. It wasn’t fair to her, you knew she was attached to you. Plus, she had become like a niece or daughter to you in the year you’d known her. You knew the names of her friends and her favorite songs and the books she liked. You loved her. You’d had to keep in touch. She regularly came over to watch a movie or have dinner and she called you at least three times a week to ask for help with homework and tell you about her life.  

While you kept up with Sarah, you never really directly spoke to Joel. You only texted in the group chat to confirm that it was OK for you to pick up Sarah and what time she needed to be back, or when Joel would drop her off and pick her up at your place. 

But you’d opened up your texts to send him a message directly at least once a day and every time you just stared at the last thing he’d sent you: I’m sorry. It was sent just hours after you’d left his house with Ellie weeks before. 

You weren’t sure what the hell you were supposed to say to him, what you were supposed to do with that apology. Were you supposed to accept it and pretend it had never happened? Were you supposed to actually have him explain to you, on no uncertain terms, how he saw you and what he wanted from your relationship? Could you handle actually hearing him say it if you did? 

You didn’t know. So you left it alone, the message glaring at you, the date stamp going further and further into the past with every passing day. 

And that’s where your relationship with Joel sat, frozen in time, as his daughter watched you closely. 

“You should come over tonight,” Sarah said. You raised your eyebrows and she stared you down. “When you drop me off. Just come inside, say hi, have dinner. It’s think he said he was going to grill.” 

“I’m sure he already has everything planned out for tonight,” you said, returning to the work of painting her last nail and closing the polish. “I don’t think it’s a good idea…” 

“Please?” She said, her eyes wide. She had to know what she was doing, looking at you that way. She was too smart for her own good. “I miss you.” 

You sighed. 

“Alright…” 

“Yes!” She punched the air in victory. 

“But just to say hi,” you said and her face fell a little. “I don’t want to impose.” 

“Psh, family doesn’t impose,” she waved you off. You looked at her, incredulous. “What? That’s what Uncle Tommy says when he wants to stay for dinner.” 

You snorted. 

“Yeah, I bet he does,” you said. “Alright, once your toes dry, we’ll go to the bookstore and get you home.” 

“And you’ll come inside?” 

“And I’ll come inside,” you said, even though the thought made your stomach knot. “Promise.” 

You took her to the bookstore, just wandering through with her and picking out a few new things for her - because you weren’t above buying a kid’s love - and got in line, where you passed a table of best sellers. 

Halcyon was sitting there, out in paperback now, one copy sitting face down so your portrait was visible on the back. Sarah frowned and picked it up, examining it for a moment before her face lit up. 

“Aunt Goldie!” She said, thrusting the book at you. “That’s you! I didn’t know you were famous!” 

You shushed her, someone in line in front of you turning to look at you. 

“OK, well, I’m not famous,” you said, taking the book from her and setting it back where it belonged. “I just wrote a book that people liked, that’s all.” 

“My dad said you wrote a book, I didn’t know it was a famous book,” she said. “Can I read it?” 

“Absolutely not,” you said, nudging her forward as the line moved. 

“Why not?” She pouted. 

“Because, as much as I love you and know how good of a reader you are, I wrote the book for adults,” you said. “You can read it in 10 years. Maybe.” 

“Well, will you tell me what it’s about?” She asked. 

You sighed, not entirely sure how to answer that question. At least, not to Sarah. 

“It’s…” you paused. “It’s about love and figuring out who you are with it and without it.” 

“Oh,” she crinkled her nose a little. 

“What?” You asked, laughing a little. 

“Sounds kinda boring,” she said. “Sorry.” 

You snorted. 

“No, you’re right,” you said. “It probably is boring.” 

You paid for the books, the person in line behind you stopping you on your way out the door to sign a copy of your book they’d just bought, Sarah beaming as she watched, and drove to Joel’s. 

You took a moment to steel yourself as you sat in his driveway. You hadn’t been in Joel’s house since you’d left. Any time you picked up or dropped off Sarah, you just sat in the car and waited for her to come to you or watched her until she was safely inside. You didn’t dare actually go in the house. That, you knew, was a bridge too far.

But you’d overcome bigger obstacles. You could do this, too. 

You pulled yourself together and followed Sarah inside. 

Nothing had changed. The blanket that was made by Joel’s mother was still draped on the end of the couch, his work boots were in a heap near the door, a beach towel from the pool was drying on a chair outside that you could just see through the sliding glass door. In spite of the knot in your stomach, this place felt like home. There was comfort here because the people you loved were here. 

“That you baby girl?” Joel called from down the hall. 

Your heart stuttered.

“It’s just me,” she called back.

You heard the telltale sounds of his footsteps as he made his way to the stairs. 

“For dinner, did you…” he said before he froze, looking up from his phone to find you standing there, in his living room. 

You smiled tightly. 

“Hi Joel.” 

***

You were here. 

In his living room, you were here. You were here and you weren’t ignoring him and maybe he hadn’t fucking ruined everything. You were here and holy fuck you looked good, just in shorts and a tank top and fuck, he wanted to touch you again. 

Instead, he just swallowed that driving want and cleared his throat, standing up a little straighter as he did. 

“Hey, Goldie.” 

You smiled. Not in that usual way you had, one that was quieter and stiller but still there. 

“I told Aunt Goldie that she should come over and stay for dinner,” Sarah said. 

“Oh,” Joel said, looking between you and Sarah. “Well, baby girl, Aunt Goldie’s been real busy lately and…” 

“She already said she could stay for dinner,” Sarah said, almost smirking. “And I know you guys aren’t in a fight because you’ve both said you’re not in a fight and you’d never lie to me about that, right?” 

Joel looked at you, a little desperate, and you just gave him a small shrug. 

“Right,” she finished for him. “So that means she can stay for dinner because there’s no reason she can’t and oh, look! Vanessa is calling me so I’m just going to go into my room until dinner is ready and talk with her and not listen to whatever you two are going to talk about. Bye!” 

She ran upstairs, taking them two steps at a time, leaving you and Joel standing there awkwardly in his living room. 

“Sorry,” he said at the same time you did and you both laughed awkwardly.

“She’s conniving, that one,” you said. 

“Little trickster,” Joel agreed. 

He just watched you for a moment, happy that he could see you - actually see you, not just picture you like he usually did now.  

“I should have called,” you said after you were both quiet for a moment. “I shouldn’t have just… It doesn’t matter that she wanted me to come over like this, I should have called and…” 

“No, it’s fine,” Joel said quickly. “You’re always welcome here, Goldie, you don’t need to call.” 

You smiled, small again, but it was there. 

“Thanks,” you said. “I should have at least brought something, though, I know you weren’t planning on me being here… I can just go, I don’t…” 

“Think we can find enough food in this house to feed three people,” he said, stepping closer, smiling a little. “Stay, if you want. I’d… I’d really like it if you stayed.” 

“OK,” you said and you smiled like you then, small at first but then wide and bright and welcoming. “Then yeah, I’ll stay.” 

Falling into you again was so fast and so easy. You followed him to the kitchen and the two of you made awkward, stilted conversation for a minute or two but, before long, you were perched on the counter while he made burger patties from the ground beef in the fridge as you told him how Ellie was doing and he told you what he’d been up to since you’d left. 

Which, he had to admit, he was embellishing a little because, without you and Ellie, his life had been pretty gray. 

After you left, it took a few days before it felt like he could do anything but take care of Sarah and stare at his phone. He’d texted you an apology, something he immediately regretted. He should have figured out a better way to say it instead of just “I’m sorry” and kept his mouth shut until he did. He kept hoping that you’d reply, that you’d give him a chance to say something better than “I’m sorry.” 

Eventually, he gave up and tried to figure out how to live without you again. It was harder than he’d expected it to be. He’d done it before when you’d gone more than just a few miles down the road and he’d lived through that, this shouldn’t have been any worse. But it was. 

Your lives had become so entangled, so in step, you were missing in everything he did. There were reminders of you everywhere and in everything, so much so that he needed an outlet. 

So, he started playing guitar more.

It hurt at first because, for some masochistic fucking reason, he kept being drawn to songs about heartbreak and loss. But eventually, he got to the point that he wanted to do something besides wallow. It took him some time to figure out what the fuck that meant but, eventually, he settled on the perfect thing: his business plan. 

Part of him wanted to believe that he was doing it only for himself. That this was what he wanted, it was the next step he needed to take to make his life - and the life he was building for his daughter - what he wanted it to be. 

But that wasn’t true, you were in this, too. This was what he needed to do to be worthy of you. Maybe, if he could actually fucking make something of himself, you’d want him the way he wanted you. 

So he’d put together the damn business plan. He put together the business plan and thought up a name and made an appointment at the bank to apply for the loan he’d need to start the company to begin with. He did everything he had to to make something of himself. He did it because he’d been wanting to be something since he’d first held his daughter. He did it because you gave him the courage and the drive to do it. 

He didn’t tell you that part of it but he did tell you about the business stuff and he couldn’t help but be a little proud as he did. 

But it was strange being close to you again like this, in ways that weren’t as intimate as they’d been just a few months before. He couldn’t just touch you as he cooked, trailing his hand up your thigh or his fingers over the delicate skin on the inside of your wrist where he could feel the pulse of you. Even with that odd distance, it felt like you should be close to him all the time, like he shouldn’t need to catch up with you like this because he should just know. He should just be living all of this with you.

“I’m so glad you guys aren’t fighting anymore,” Sarah said cheerfully when she finally emerged from her room for dinner, the three of you gathered around Joel’s table with cheeseburgers standing tall on your plates. 

You looked at Joel, brows raised and nose scrunched and he sighed before looking back at Sarah. 

“We weren’t fighting, baby girl,” he said. 

“Oh, sure,” Sarah nodded sarcastically. 

“He’s right. As much as I would love to just hang out with you and your dad all day, I’m afraid I do have a job,” you said. “And that means I have to be somewhere else at least some of the time.” 

“I’ve just decided that I’m not going to let you guys not talk to each other for my whole life again,” she said. “So say whatever you want, I’m just glad Aunt Goldie is back.” 

She got up and gave you both a squeeze. 

“I’m going to go do homework,” she said. 

“Believe that when I see it,” Joel scoffed. 

“And you guys have fun,” she said, ignoring you both before heading to her room. 

You watched her go, an amused smile on your face until you heard her bedroom door closed. 

“She is too smart for her own good, for the record,” you said. 

“Tell me about it,” Joel laughed. “Fuck if I know where she gets it from, too. Sure as hell ain’t me.” 

“You always underestimate yourself,” you smiled a little, watching him now. Joel shrugged. “Is it weird to say I’m proud of you? For the business stuff I mean?” 

“Nah,” Joel waved you off. “Not weird. Couldn’t have done it without you.” 

“Yes you could,” you said. “But I’m glad I got to be a part of it.” 

“Want to be more of a part of it?” He asked. “Because no one but me has read this business plan and, I’m not gonna lie to you Goldie girl, that’s making me pretty damn nervous.” 

You laughed a little. 

“Yeah,” you said. “I’d be happy to.” 

Joel just watched as you went through the documents, a serious look on your face, and you made some notes on scratch paper as you went, weirdly anxious about what you would say. Because what you thought mattered even more than the damn bank. 

“This is good,” you said when you finished, nodding slowly. “I have some questions but I think this is really good, Joel.” 

“Yeah?” He asked, brows raised. 

You smiled, one of your smiles, the ones he loved so much. 

“Yeah,” you said. “You’re getting that loan, Miller. You’re about to be Joel Miller, proud founder of Miller Brothers Construction and Contracting, how’s it feel?” 

He laughed.

“Pretty damn good,” he said. “But I do want your notes, I really want to do something right for once in my damn life.” 

“Sure,” you laughed. “But I have had a beer and four glasses of iced tea since I’ve been here so I have to pee first. Think you can manage to wait for like… two minutes?” 

“I guess,” Joel groaned. “Cave to your basic human frailties, God you’re so lame.” 

You rolled your eyes at him but ran off to the bathroom and Joel watched you go, his eyes lingering on your ass and he tried to not picture you naked in his bed, remembering the way you looked when you slept naked and kicked the covers off in the night and he could see every inch of your skin beside him. 

Your phone vibrating on the table pulled him out of his own head and he was about to call your name when he frowned, seeing the name on screen. 

Gale was calling you. 

Fucking Gale. 

He watched it ring out, staring it down like it was a threat. 

What the fuck were you doing talking to fucking Gale? You weren’t speaking to the guy when you’d been staying at Joel’s. What was he doing calling you now? 

“Alright,” you said, clapping your hands together once before punching the air as you made your way back to the kitchen. “Let’s do this thing, Miller!” 

“Why is Gale calling you?” He asked. 

Your face fell. 

“What?” You asked quietly. 

“Gale,” he said, feeling himself get madder than he should. “The fucking asshole you’re supposed to be getting away from, Gale. Your ex-husband, Gale.”

“He’s not my ex-husband,” you said, shoving your hands in your back pockets and squaring your jaw. “We’re still married. And it’s not your business who I talk to…” 

“Not your ex-husband?” He asked. “And not my business? It’s not my business, right, great…” 

“Are we doing this again?” You asked, brows raised. “Really? You’re going to be pissed that I’m seeing someone…” 

“You’re fucking seeing him?” He asked, getting to his feet. “You’re getting back together with your ex-husband, the same one who treated you like shit? Jesus Christ, Goldie!” 

“I don’t know what I’m doing!” You snapped. “But I do know that he’s coming here tomorrow so we can talk and he’s going to help me with my book and…” 

“Why!” He cut you off. “Why the fuck are you going back to that… that… fucking asshole? Goldie, you’re so much BETTER than him! You don’t…” 

“He’s my husband, Joel!” You all but yelled. “He’s someone that I promised to be with for the rest of my life and that means something, I can’t just pretend it didn't happen! We’ve been talking and…” 

“And what?” Joel snapped. “What, he start manipulating you again?” 

“Again?” You asked, incredulous. “What do you mean again, you don’t know anything about our relationship, you don’t know what he was like then, what I was like then! You don’t know that part of my life, stop pretending like you do!” 

“And why don’t I know it, hm?” He asked, just pissed off now. “Tell me, why don’t I know that part of your life when I know all the others, why don’t I know that part?” 

“Don’t,” you said, sharp and cold. 

He didn’t listen. 

“Because you left! I don’t know because you left, you left me here like I was nothing, like I didn’t fucking matter to you and yeah, maybe I didn’t but…” 

“No, fuck you,” you spat. “You don’t get to pretend like you’re just some innocent in all this…” 

“Then what am I?” He demanded. “Tell me, I’m fucking dying to know how it’s my fuckin’ fault that you took off across the damn country, changed your damn number, blocked me on goddamn Facebook when I LOVED you…” 

“Don’t,” you said, tears at the edges of your eyes. “Don’t do that, don’t say that kind of shit to me…” 

“Say what?” He asked. “Tell you the truth? Because…” 

“Because I’m not just some girl you fuck and cast aside, Joel!” You got in his face, tears falling now. “So don’t feed me the same lines you feed them because it won’t work and it’s not fair to me or to our friendship and…” 

“What lines!” He asked. “I’m not feeding you any fucking lines, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” 

“I heard you!” You yelled, breathless, forceful enough that Joel stepped back from you. 

“What?” He whispered. 

“I heard you,” you said. “When you were talking with Ricky, under the bleachers after prom, I heard you. I heard how much you regretted that night, I heard what you thought of me, I fucking heard you, Joel. So don’t act like you didn’t do anything, don’t act like I meant something to you because I know I didn’t. I know what I was, I know I was just some stupid girl you regretted fucking, I heard you. I know what I am to you, deep down, so forgive me if I’m not exactly desperate to talk through this shit with you. I’m sorry the fact that someone out there wants me, actually wants me, is so inconvenient for you!” 

You snatched your phone from the table and stalked toward the door. 

“No,” he said, going after you. “No, Goldie, listen, I…”

“I’m really not interested in hearing more of your bullshit, Joel,” you snapped. “I can’t, I just don’t have it in me to hear you talk about how much you regret me anymore.” 

You paused in the doorway, looking back at him as he scrambled to find a way to say something - anything - that would make you stay. 

“Good luck at the bank,” you said. “I’m sure you’ll get what you’re asking for.” 

You were gone before he had a chance to respond. 

Next Chapter

A/N: I'm so sorry this took a million years. Thank you for being patient as my job put me through the wringer and grad school just beat me over the head repeatedly.

This was a BIG moment for Goldie in particular! She FINALLY said it, the reason why she left and why she thinks he doesn't want her. She reopened the wound and now the ball is in Joel's court. We'll see what he does with it :)

Taglist: @kaseyconnour

[cioud-berries]

Mutual Benefit || Chapter 1

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Hello all! This is my first ever time posting a fanfic on tumblr so I apologize if things are not formatted correctly! If you have any questions or thoughts feel free to reach out to me!!

Summery:

Posts season 2: Spoiler warning!! Being forced into an arranged marriage, [Name] tried her hardest with her unreceptive husband Salo. After his death, she was forced to replace his council position, trying to figure out who she was as a person. Sevika never expected to get anywhere close to the council, let alone join them. As the stigma around people from Zaun still stood, she struggled to gain the respect from her new fellow councillors. With so many differences how could the two really help one another?

Category:

Sevika x Female Reader || 18+ themes

Chapter Warnings:

Season 2 Spoilers, Toxic relationship (with salo), Mostly a Salo x reader but that ends after this chapter

Word count: 2,411

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Mutual Benefit Master List || Next Chapter ->

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Arranged marriage. Such a depressing concept. Being sold for the benefit of others. The best outcome, you find love and are content with your life. Worst case scenario: you spend the rest of your life with someone you absolutely despise.

[Name] was sadly subjected to such a fate. After the civil war in her country ended, she was immediately shipped off to an unfamiliar country. Being the only female to survive, it was her ‘duty’. This would allow her country to obtain the resources needed to rebuild. 

She was to marry Councillor member Salo in Piltover. To both her happiness and dismay, he too did not want this kind of arrangement. He was the head of his own clan in Piltover. His many advisors pushed him to agree to this.

Next thing they both knew, they were shoved in a room alone, left to get to know each other in such awkward circumstances. Things were silent between the two for a long time as Salo downed one glass of wine after another. 

Finally, Salo was the first to speak. Asking the random question “Do you like the theatre?” He was only met with a hesitant nod. He chuckled with a small smile. “Things might work out.”

She walked down the aisle to marry the man she had only spoken a few words to. They both made it very clear how unhappy they were in the situation. Thankfully, they weren’t forced to engage with one another after the ceremony, separating from one another immediately.

They spend most of their time together watching performances, whispering back and forth their thoughts. After a few months, their relationship had turned into a friendship of some sort. Respecting one another while acknowledging that neither one of them wanted to be there.

For the most part he was bearable. Taking care of any finances she needed. He bought her a separate apartment, so she could live separately. Invited her to any party that was being held. Allowed her to have her own separate life if she wished. 

She quickly fit into the higher society in Piltover, making friends with his fellow council members, often confiding to them about her current marital status. They didn’t have much to say, not having been in that situation.

He too had his own life. Finding love and physical intimacy outside of their marriage. She could care less. What she did care about is that he wouldn’t allow her the same freedom. “Something like that could ruin my reputation.” He lazily told her. She was beyond furious, yet couldn’t bring herself to defy his demand. 

It didn’t take too long for Salo’s clan advisors to question the lack of heir. She of course agreed to it, but hated every second of it. She knew she was more attracted to women than men, but that moment had completely confirmed that she had no attraction to men. 

He left her right after, not wanting to do anything else. She laid in her bed alone, crying and she hated the feeling of being left alone after having to be so vulnerable. She could only hope that it did the job and they would never have to interact in such a way again.

Thankfully, nine months later, she gave birth to their daughter Sasha. Salo seemed different with Sasha. She thought that Salo wouldn’t be a caring father, but to her surprise, he was for the beginning.

Sasha for the most part lived at [Name]’s apartment. Salo visited often until she was about three years old. [Name] realized their daughter needed to have both parents in one household to be raised properly. 

Salo complained a lot about it, not wanting to live there. But the second he saw his daughter, his demeanor completely changed. In Sasha’s eye’s, they were a happy loving family. But things were so far from that. Salo often spent his nights elsewhere, always being back before breakfast.

There were sometimes happy moments in the home, making [Name] almost believing that this life was a happy one. Listening to music, they would sometimes dance in the living room, their daughter joining in, turning into them both dancing with her. 

Most of the time, they fought, yelling back and forth about meaningless things. This made them realize that the only reason their relationship had worked for the past few years was because they were apart and there was no relationship. 

Salo started coming to the house less and less, preferring the comfort of his theater and other women. He was completely moved out by the time that Sasha was six. [Name] had to start searching him out with their child in her arms, just so she didn’t have to explain why her father didn’t want to be around. 

Her daughter was everything to her. Truthfully, the only good thing in her life. She despised Salo for making Sasha cry for his absence. When he did spend time with his daughter, everything was perfect. But those moments were fleeting. 

At some point, [Name] began praying that something would happen to Salo. Some real excuse for why he couldn’t be around more often. When the explosion racked through Piltover, she ran over to the window, seeing the council room collapsing to the ground. 

She hated to admit that her heart clenched in excitement. The only way she could get out of the marriage was if he died, and she wished that it was true. Dropping Sasha off at a neighbors, she ran as fast as she could to the building in nothing but her nightgown and robes, not even a shoe on her feet.

Arriving at the building, the guards immediately let her through, knowing who she was. Ambess, the mother of councilor Mel, led her to the victims. There were a few bodies covered with a white cloth. 

Walking up to the dead bodies, she prayed to the Gods above to be free. Before she could view any of the dead, she heard her name be called out. She turned to see her husband laying in a cot, reaching out to her as he sobbed.

“My wife.” He called in a cry. “My legs-”

When she approached, he grabbed her by the hips, pulling her close enough to wrap his arms around her upper thighs and cry into them. He grieved over the loss of his mobility. It reminded her of the way her daughter would cry over the loss of her father that wasn’t even dead. The father that was merely down the street that could take an hour out of his day to play with his daughter.

[Name] felt no sympathy and wished the ruble had landed on his head instead. Yet she said nothing, she did nothing, letting him sob into her nightgown. 

He finally moved back into her house. But not because he wanted to, but because he needed to. Being his wife, [Name] had to take care of him. ‘In sickness and in health’ was really testing her patience. 

He was harder to take care of than Sasha, a literal child. Sasha was excited to have her father back, often jumping on him without realizing it hurt him. He would yell at her, pushing her off the wheelchair. Feeling rejected by her father, she would cry. [Name] was stuck with having to come up with a good excuse for his actions to make her feel better. 

He was demanding. He was rude. He was hateful. But worst of all he was ungrateful. The only joy in her days was when Ambessa would come to take him to the council meetings and [Name] finally got to have alone time with her daughter. 

Salo would come back from these meetings talking about war. Thankfully Sasha would already be in bed by this point so she could let her facade down. He wanted to wage a full fledged attack on the people of Zaun. She disagreed with him deeply, knowing the outcomes of the civil war.

“What do you know about war?” He spat at her without thinking.

She dropped the plate she was cleaning from dinner it shattered on impact with the ground. Snapping around at him she gave the most hateful look. He was stunned, never seeing that kind of expression on her before. “Ask my dead sister and brother.” 

Stepping over the glass, she walked past Salo in his wheelchair, heading to her room. He called out to her, demanding she came back and at least helped him into bed. She was beyond thankful that her daughter was such a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t wake up to his pathetic cries. 

After a while he stopped, and when she woke up, he was gone, living back at the theater. She was determined to never see him again. But after too many days off Sasha crying over her missing father, she finally caved. 

Out front of his door, she told Sasha to wait there for a moment before entering into his private suite without knocking. He laid on the couch as a woman painted purple liquid onto his legs. They both jumped, startled at her entrance. 

She didn’t even flinch at the sight. “Get dressed. Your daughter wants to see you.” Her tone was harsh and left no room for defiance from him. The woman swiftly packed her things, which Salo clearly didn’t agree with, grabbing her arm and forcing her to stay. 

“She can come see me later, I’m in the middle of something.” He harshly replied back to his wife.

“No she can’t.” [Name] Said with finality, looking at the woman in hopes that she could convince Salo.

The woman ripped her wrist out of his grasp, hiding her face into her scarf. “I was done anyways.” She told Salo, before walking around the couch. 

Y/N followed her out, going to grab Sasha and give him time to get dressed. She whispered a quiet “Thank you.” To the woman for helping her. The woman only gave a slight nod before walking off. 

Sasha ran to her father, excited to see him. She rambled on about what happened the past few months that he was absent. He barely paid attention to her, replying vaguely while looking at the ceiling.

It didn’t take her long before she got tired from all of her excitement and fell asleep on the couch beside him. [Name] was quick to pick her up and head for the door. Before reaching the exit, Salo called out to her again. 

She hesitated, stopping to listen to what he had to say. Deep down she wished it would be an apology. “I am going to get my legs fixed. Lest told me about a miracle worker in the undercity. I want you to take me.” He told.

“You can find your own way down there.” She mumbled, leaving him alone in his apartment. 

Those were the last words she ever spoke to her husband. He had disappeared without a trace. Sasha was devastated to hear about her missing father. With her new found hope, [Name] comforted her daughter. 

It wasn’t until Jayce came to her, confirming her prayers, admitting that he had murdered Salo. She had always liked Jayce, thinking that he was a bright mind and the personification of Piltover. He was distraught, not knowing how to tell a wife and child that he was the reason that their family was broken.

[Name] had cried, but not out of sadness, out of relief. Hugging him, she told him “Thank you.” He was shocked and didn’t understand why she would be thanking him for everything. Not knowing how to react, he only awkwardly mumbled “Your welcome?”

With the confirmation of Salo’s death, the next course of action was getting out of Piltover as quickly as possible, not wanting to experience another civil war. Boarding an airship with Sasha she went home. 

Leaning off the edge of the airship, she played with her wedding ring. After everything that had happened with Salo, she still kept it on. With a deep, happy sigh, she took the ring off, and with as much power as she could muster, she threw it off the side of the airship watching it fall towards the ocean. 

She smiled brightly. Finally free. [Name] looked down next to her to see Sasha sitting at her feet. She was sad of course, she had lost her father, but [Name] wanted to celebrate. Picking Sasha up, she twirled around, kissing Sasha all over her face. After putting Sasha back down, she cupped Sasha’s face, looking her in the eyes she promised. “Everything will be okay. I love you so much, you are my world, never forget that.”

Sasha nodded in response, smiling for the first time in weeks, hugging her mother.

The two spent time in her home nation for a few months. It was good for Sasha to be with her cousins that were around her age. And it was good for [Name] to be around a caring family. 

She celebrated Salo’s death with her brother and sister in law many nights. They would crack open a bottle of wine and throw insults at him as they slowly emptied the bottle. By the end of the night they’d be screaming at the top of their lungs “Good riddance!”

While she thought she escaped Piltover, she was berated by letter after letter from Salo’s clan. They demanded she return to Piltover with their heir. They often brought up the contract that was created in their marriage pact, saying it was her ‘duty’.

They told her how she needed to be the stand in for Salo until Sasha came of age to take over. She couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just choose some other clan member to be head. Plus, she could never see her daughter becoming the head of a clan she knew nothing about. Salo taught her nothing, nor prepared her for the position.

After about a hundred letters, she caved. The clan didn’t want to lose the position of power they had in the council. Learning about the new government that has been formed, she was pushed to become a council member.

Sasha was devastated to leave her family that she grew so close to in the short amount of time that she was there. All [Name] could do was promise that she was going to build Sasha a better future in the new position. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mutual Benefit Master List || Next Chapter ->

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overall Masterlist

Discord link

[iexistforidkwhatreason]

My experience with Lumii/HoneyStarlightz/Lumiidere/Lumii after dark/KiramekiCookie

I have to get this out of my system because I'm deadass tired of watching this person wander around as if they're innocent when they aren't, and I'm also annoyed because of people not noticing what this person does behind the scenes because it now takes one quick Google Search using the prompt "Luca Wii Sports" to go down the rabbit hole. This is about HoneyStarlightz/Lumii.

Lemme begin with the minor stuff. So you know how Lumii has a massive grudge against me because of most of, if not all the stuff I drew in my DeviantArt account? Almost everything there was drawn when I was a FUCKING MINOR. I am 20 years old as we speak, and most of the drawings Lumii mentions happened BEFORE MY 18TH BIRTHDAY on the 1st of December, 2021, and I'll admit, during most of that time, I was a dumbass, immature, and an edgelord. I then stopped posting anything bloody and/or revealing but continued to post harmless drawings before my 18th birthday happened. October 11th of last year was when I stopped posting on that account all together because I found out that DeviantArt was blaming Hamas and Hamas only for the Palestinian deaths and making it as if the Israel military didn't do a thing to innocent lives in Palestine after Hamas attacked.

Next, we have them making me look like an asshole for shipping Luca with Abby (The one shipart I made of the two apparently traumatized them). Back when I was 17, I decided to draw Abby and Luca, two Miis I'm not a fan of, nor close to, as a couple because I thought shipping the two was a good idea. I then posted the finished product on the 23rd of January, 2021. The drawing was not meant to traumatize anyone. It was JUST. SHIP. ART. OF. ABBY. &. LUCA. The only bad thing about that drawing was that I shoved my opinion of the two Miis down people's throats in the description by asking how the hell do people like them because to me, they're just not fun to play against at all, and even then, it was drawn three to four years ago, and I don't even ship the two anymore. I ship Abby with Wii U Barbara now. Mate, I didn't even know Lumii EXISTED back then, let alone know they had a massive love for Luca.

Next, there's the clear as day hipocrisy that people have yet to notice somehow. So you know how Lumii has "Opinion Bashers" on their DNI list, right? On that same list, they also have people that hate, despise, even dislike Luca, instantly making them a hypocrite because they said they don't want to interact with people who just cannot tolerate others having a different opinion while also saying that if you think Luca is not a good Mii, you're instantly on their shit list. Also, they said no exceptions, meaning you can be the nicest person in the world, but if you dislike Luca, go fuck yourself.

I have several friends that like Luca a lot, some of which are here on Tumblr. I do not like Luca. We get along perfectly fine. I don't understand why they feel like Luca haters and Luca lovers can't co-exist when they clearly can. Just don't be an ass to others when it comes to what you think of the character, mate.

Lastly, we have the fact that they cannot take criticism. They said criticism is prohibited on their DeviantArt profile, which means that you can say anything positive about their art, but if you say anything negative, then nope. Get out. Oh, I'm so sorry I gave you a harmless critique that was just saying what I didn't like and how you can improve. I apologize.

Seriously tho, how sensitive can you be to the point where you prohibit people from critiquing your work? Or is it that they can't criticize you? Or is it both?

Now we go to the bigger stuff, starting with the TRANSPHOBIA ACCUSATIONS and obvious delusion. They said, and I quote "please shut the fuck up for calling him "Lucapoopa", "Boring", "Annoying", "Scum" and "Tedious" for the love of fucking god, he's fucking overhated and y'all are too harsh and transphobic at him, fucking hell".

Luca is not canonically trans. Don't even say he is because of unused data because I did my research, and the only unused data he has is facial hair related. Don't get me wrong, Luca being trans is a HC that I'm completely fine with. If you want to headcanon him as trans, fine by me. Trans rights all the way, mate. Don't fucking call people transphobic just for disliking Luca tho! Luca is not canonically trans, and even if he was, bold of Lumii to assume that someone that hates Luca hates him because he's trans. He appears as an opponent in three games and there's a chance that he might piss you off in all three.

How delusional do you have to be to see someone hate a character that isn't trans outside of your HC and go "Oh, they're transphobic"?

Next, there's fullblown insensitivity. I decided to check on DeviantArt for something, and I get a DM from someone. We had a chat about Lumii, and in that chat, they showed this...

Can you spot the insensitive part? Here, I'll make it easier for ya.

I'm completely fine with people giving dark backstories to Miis in their HC, but there's a line, and you crossed it. Can we not do rape related headcanons, please? I feel like that should go without saying because, oh, I dunno, that shit is OBVIOUSLY IN BAD TASTE!

Lastly, there's something I cannot show here because if I do, I'm going to get in trouble... It has to do with porn...

Lumii has a total of three accounts that I bumped into while looking at Luca images on Google that have porn of Miis on them. They have a Newgrounds account (KiramekiCookie), which has two drawings of Luca porn, a Bluesky account (Lumii after dark), which has twelve, and a Twitter/X account with the same name, which not only has porn of Luca, but of other Miis too... AND THERE'S AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF IT, MOST OF IT BEING LUCA PORN! TELL ME YOU'RE OBSSESSED WITH OUT TELLING ME YOU'RE OBSSESSED!

I make YOU uncomfortable, Lumii? I make YOU uncomfortable?! You drew Luca laying eggs, you drew a worrying amount of Luca porn, and yet you have the AUDACITY to say I make YOU uncomfortable when you're obviously worse, you fucking hypocrite?! You drew art that is bound to make several people uncomfortable the moment they see it on the THREE ACCOUNTS you have, you falsely accuse people of transphobia, you obssess over Luca an unhealthy and uncomfortable amount, and yet I'M the one in the wrong because I drew ship art of Luca and Abby and art that has blood on it years ago?! I don't get your logic!

BTW, for those who say that this could've been resolved privately, it couldn't because Lumii has blocked me on DeviantArt, and they also blocked me on an old Tumblr account of theirs too, meaning that talking to them was out of the fucking question. They CLEARLY did not want to talk it out. They just wanted to avoid me entirely while also antagonize me for shit I did years ago that wasn't even that bad compared to the crap they did.

Lumii, if you manage to see this, which I know you will because I know you have a Discord and I know someone's gonna send a screenshot to you on there... All of this could've been avoided had you just been a better person.

[ghostdiva]

My Prediction for Episode 2 of The Amazing Digital Circus

heads up, this is purely my own theories based on what I know of the trailer, as well as gooseworx's tumblr posts. this can easily be interpreted as a guess to the plot of the second episode, that said, if any of these guesses are correct, then I'm sorry for the spoilers.

let's get into it.

we start the episode with what I assume to be a dream sequence for Pomni. which makes sense considering what happened in episode 1 (aka the pilot). it wouldn't surprise me at all that her run in with the abstracted kaufmo was traumatizing. Watching that abstraction later get thrown into the cellar, and realizing that abstraction is the digital world equivalent to death, is also a pretty rattling experience. so it would make sense that Pomni would have a dream about abstraction as she tries to wrap her head around it.

that said, her dream sequence starts in the main area of the circus tent, where it is presumably the next day and she's with the gang waiting for Caine to show up and drag them all into an adventure of some kind. And either when Caine shows up, or while they're waiting, something happens that is disturbing to Pomni. what that is, is very much unknown. but this reaction doesn't just naturally happen, it's triggered by something.

so she sees something horrific, and in this dream it seems to start to push her to her breaking point, existentially.

Pomni looks down at herself and her horror grows. part of her is abstracted. Pomni feels a bit of fear and confusion not knowing what to do, and scared about going in the cellar. Caine doesn't care about that though, and upon seeing that she's "abstracting", does the same thing he did to kaufmo. opening a hole in the floor and throwing Pomni in the cellar.

Pomni tries to grab for anything, desperate not to join the fully abstracted. she yells "no", almost as if to plea that she wasn't insane. that there was no need to lock her away just yet.

then Pomni wakes up with quite the start.

I think anyone would be disgruntled with a wake up call like that, but nonetheless, Pomni gets up and joins the others at the main stage area.

Pomni waits with Ragatha and Gangle, asking questions she didn't really get to have answered in the last episode.

now, I have no way of knowing what kind of dialogue the characters will be sharing between each other during this episode, so I don't know what is said until the episode airs. all I have are the episode 2 quotes that gooseworx dropped on their page.

so broadly speaking, Caine gathers the rest of the gang, Zooble opts out of the adventure, and Caine shoves everyone else through a portal into the Candy Canyon Kingdom!

Yippee!

now in this episode we have 3 characters (technically 5 but I'm counting gumigoo and his gang to be all 1 entity here). the list is loolilalu, gumigoo (+max and chad), and the fudge monster. Princess Loolilalu, I believe is the sort of quest giver of the adventure. I think loolilalu will send the gang to deal with Gumigoo, and his compatriots, chad and max. who are bandits, and make a bit of a habit of stealing from loolilalu's subjects, even resorting to violence to get what they want.

Princess Loolilalu simply can't let that stand, and sends the circus crew (minus Zooble) out to apprehend them. giving Ragatha a Key in the process.

now a lot of people speculated that it'd be a key to the kingdom or something like that, but that doesn't make sense considering pretty much all the shots outside of the celebration on their arrival take place outside the castle walls. No, I think that the Key is for a truck, specifically the truck the circus crew use to chase Gumigoo and his gang with. -this also makes sense to the degree of "how would Caine know the visual difference between a door key and a car key? they're both just keys to him"-

also quick side note: during the celebration as the circus crew arrive at the candy canyon kingdom, one of the audiece NPC's is seen absolutely booking it at Gangle, and I think that the NPC is going to run into her, breaking her comedy mask.

anyway, the Gang piles into the truck, Gangle driving, Pomni, Kinger and Ragatha in the backseat, and Jax getting shotgun...

... -ahem- anyway, through a series of whacky hijinks, the circus crew and gumigoo's crew end up in an intense car chase, with Pomni somehow getting on top of Gumigoo's van in the process.

However, something happens to the truck the circus crew are in, that makes it have to either slow down or stop. rather that's a tire falling off or something else entirely is still up in the air. this normally wouldn't be too bad of an issue.

but Pomni is still on top of gumigoo's van...

this is where the circus crew splits up a bit, as Pomni is left to Gumigoo and his gang while the circus crew figure out how to get the truck up and running at full speed again.

So Gumigoo and his gang try to get Pomni off their van. However, Pomni is a survivalist at her core, and a resilient one at that. So the gummy gators have a hard time getting Pomni to let go of their car. they have such a hard time about it that they start doing doughnuts in an effort to spin her off the car.

what happens after is pretty up in the air, but I'm pretty sure Pomni ends up getting flung very far after loosing her grip and literally flying off.

Meanwhile, with the rest of the circus crew. Ragatha's upset on Pomni's behalf, at the fact that they left her with the gator gang. Jax brushes it off, which only upsets Ragatha more.

The circus crew pull over and assess the damage to the truck, which could be anything from a flat or missing tire, to complete engine failure. what needs to happen to fix the truck is unknown, but the truck needs fixing regardless.

-a moderate amount of chaos later-

the circus gang has fixed the truck and started back on the road again, however they are all completely lost. and end up accidentally wandering into the fudge monster's domain... oops.

Ragatha probably tries to reason with the fudge monster in order to not get eaten. it'd be a bit fucked up, but maybe the gang offers to feed some gummy gators to the fudge monster in exchange for freedom? idk, it's anyone's guess.

anyway, after the crew is done getting harassed by the fudge monster, they decide it's time to harass the gummy gators, and set out to find them.

seek and ye shall find, and find the circus crew did. not only do they manage to catch up to the gator gang, but they manage to tie up Chad and Max, leaving Gumigoo by himself.

this is also where the sweet sweet Jax angst is, as we see him just picking at the floor while hugging himself a bit. Not behavior you expect to see from the lanky bastard that makes his existence everyone else's problem. it might also be that he's a bit disheartened that Pomni was not with the Gator Gang, who knows.

anyway the gang start searching for Pomni, and uh...

I think they found her? honestly that small dot flying out of the water could be anyone, but Pomni was the only one missing from the group for a prolonged period of time. so it only really makes sense that it'd be her.

last but not least, we have the most confusing clip of the trailer.

now, strap on for this theory. so I think that this happens after gumigoo's companions are captured (chad and max). now, I think gumigoo was coded as an extrovert of sorts, constantly checking back on chad and max to make sure they're there and stuff. and now that they're gone, gumigoo doesn't know what to do. like his code doesn't have anything for when his compatriots aren't around, and the lack of his friends is maddening. because that is a look of existential dread and shock. and while specifically WHAT happened is a mystery, I do have a few theories as to what it could've been.

maybe gumigoo ended up running into a border of the world and that's what that blue grid is. him accidentally peeking beyond a world border to see a grid with lines and lines of code. maybe this event happens to cause gumigoo to gain a level of sentience, coming to the realization that once the gang is done with the adventure, his world will cease to exist. that all he was, is, and will be are just lines of code, moved around by another AI that is above him (caine). maybe gumigoo just experiences the existentials surrounding the mindset of "I am just a blip in the cosmos, a small insignificant spec in the grand scheme of things". which can ultimately lead to depressive lines of thought. Goose did say this episode would be about depression, I wouldn't be surprised if they also threw in something existential for funsies, or just to hit the point home.

and then the gang finishes the adventure and gets a lovely prize!

some MPPED!

[nugatorysheep]

Wip Title Game

Tagged by @novantinuum

Rules: Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs

I am not tagging 50 million people so @extranuts @flaretheskywing @dragonuva @roseetube post some WIP titles cowards

I have several docs that are just meant to be informative that I'm not listing because there's not much to talk about with them, and a TON of unfinished art that is like pre 2022 that will def not get done ever so its been yeeted into my Untouchables folder and also isn't listed here lmao

For convenience, I've taken out any duplicate files that are the same thing but in a different format

As you can see I have three brands of naming conventions for my files: Objective, Boring Name that just Is What It Is, Song Title and/or Lyric, and Shit Post Cause I Was Tired

Lord help me I have SO many WIPS

(Non-Informational) Writing Wips:

Bad End FOM Fic Beguiler of Wills Burning despair does ache Chapter 9: What does it matter how my heart breaks Drabbles Druidbreak Ficlet FOM WIP Doc Glimpses of life denial WIP IDK what to call this but yeah IEOE stuff idk Intermission XXX: Separate Ways Intermission XXX - Last moments of pure recall Intermission XXX - Look in my eyes she still holds the power Intermission XXX - The way ahead feels lonely Intermission XXX - Loss of want back there Pit AU - Editing Prism R&C Soundtrack Breakdown Six Forty Seven Slug it out Tell Me Something Good

Art Wips (I have a million of these):

[shoves hand in abdomen for the symbolism or some shit].clip ask.psd Axel Sketches.clip baneful bunker.png beat up boys.clip Beyond Bliss Gems Lineup.clip Bliss rose stuff for later.clip break the bank.clip chompers.png Connverse dump.clip Cupid dump.clip Druid x Sven x Sonny.clip Dryad sketches.clip EINF Steven.clip evil boi.clip evil leo doodles.clip Eye contact.clip Fab fly floret.clip failure 01.clip Frame of Mind Sketchbook.clip Fusion Chart.clip gay as fuck to be a test subject. what are you testing, your capacity for homosexual desires.clip (this is one long ass title lol) goober.clip Haven't you noticed I'm a star.clip He can say it cause i said so.clip he yeeteth and yoinknth away.clip HEARTBREAK SPINEL REF.clip homie rolled a nat one on genetics fr.clip HONEY REF.clip i am so fucking hungry bro imma make noodles 1.png (there's 4 it's a comic) I have made a new boy.clip Illustration (2).clip Illustration (3).clip Illustration.clip Illustration2 (2).clip Illustration2.clip Inner Demons.clip it triggered his flight or fight response.clip Karma Sketchbook.clip lazer_eyes-3A4E6.clip Lemme tell you what it's like to be a Zero.clip Loss Dot Jaypeg.png me.clip Mermay HB.clip mermay.clip MINOTUAR MAN.clip mirror_gem_designs.clip ML Stevonnie.clip munchmunch.clip Nova Artfight 2.clip Now that it's raining more than ever.clip old man lizard.clip oops all pain lol.clip open arms.clip Pasture crew.clip rare dizzy art.clip Real.mdp Ref wips.clip Sarkhan's Dragonfire.clip Save a horse ride a cowboy.clip Say that again i dare you.clip Screenshot 2023-09-23 001021.png Senkywenky.clip SFW Sketchbook.clip ShatteredStar.clip Show off those guns.clip Slugman the second coming.clip Snaps and snarls.clip so what's the point of holding tight onto my feet.clip Soap.clip some mtg quote.clip Space faggot.clip spongebob window meme.clip Starnheim_Unleashed.psd STEVEN ON LION.clip SU AU Battle Cuts.clip SUDF page redraw.clip Suneater.clip SUTREK.clip Take A Breath.clip Talking to Myself Redraw 1.clip (there are several of these it's a comic) THE SUN IS GETTING LOW.clip THERE IS NO MANA IN THIS AIR.clip they love each other.clip this was supposed to be shoes idk what happened.png Throwing boys at the wall to see what sticks.clip Tourmaline.clip Tower of boys.clip Trolls bullshit.clip tumblr bait purple rabbit man but the lame version [springtrap did it better].clip uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit idk.clip Union of Love.clip wahho.clip Welcome to the grid user.clip Welcome to the grid user.png Will you be satified.clip wip 02.clip You're MINE.clip zoo doodles.clip ZOOLOGY GEMS REF TWO.clip

[heyitsspiders]

Lucifer x Transmasc! Reader - Falling for the Fallen Angel - Chapter 4

Errands

Charlie asks you to run some errands and things don't go as planned

Graphic violence in this chapter

a/n: moving all of this to tumblr is taking forever considering there are so far 8 chapters

Ever since that day Lucifer came around everyday. He’d always be talking to Charlie about something you just couldn’t make out and when you got too close he’d see you, smile, and hug you. It was adorable but very frustrating. What were they talking about? You knew it was none of your business but that didn’t make you want to know any less. 

However, you never pushed for information. Even if you didn’t know, it did cause Lucifer to come over and you liked seeing him. He got in the habit of joining you while you were cooking and he’d talk with you about whatever he could think of, giving you soft kisses as you worked which always made you very flustered. He’d also help you set the table once the food was done. You had fallen hard and it was nice to know it was mutual. 

Today he and Charlie were talking once more. Lucifer spotted you and did his usual greeting of “Hello!” and hugging you with that big smile of his. He was warm as you hugged him back, breaking away as Charlie nervously walked up to you.

“Hey, Twist, do you think you could run a few errands for me? I’m sorry for asking out of the blue but I have a lot of things I need to do-” She rambled.

You cut her off with a smile, “Of course! What do you need?”

She sighed with relief and handed you a list she had made, along with the money to pay for everything. She thanked you again and you were off. You would have asked Lucifer to join you but he had things to do as well. Oh well, you’d just have to make do alone. 

You walked down the hill the hotel sat on and wandered into the bright, loud city. It was as busy as ever as you slid past people and made your way down to the market. You looked over the list again, Charlie wanted quite a few things that included some vegetables, fruits, and cleaning supplies. Seems you were just helping restock, easy enough. 

You hummed as you walked, shoving your way past the crowds of people and finally entering the shopping district. You looked through the windows to see if any of the places held what you needed and stopped at a decently sized grocery store. You walked in, the bell above the door dinging as you did. You grabbed a basket and walked off to the produce section. You shifted through the vegetables, grabbing the ripest ones in each section and did the same with the fruits. Your basket already felt pretty heavy as you walked across the store to the cleaning supplies. Seems you just needed some paper towels, window cleaner and soap. Your eyes glossed over the shelves, looking for the aforementioned products until the white of the paper towels caught your eyes. You grabbed them and planted it in your basket, changing your search for the other two items.

Once you finished your scavenger hunt across the store you walked up to the registers and checked out. The total seemed impossibly high but you paid with the money that had been given to you and you walked out, the bags weighing heavily in your hands. You set the bags on the ground and checked the list again, double-checking you had grabbed everything. While reading over it you noticed an item you had neglected to get, which were… Children’s books? She listed a few specific titles she wanted, all of them seeming to revolve around loving one another and being kind. Yeah that checks out. 

You picked up your bags and looked around, there had to be a bookstore around here somewhere. You started down the sidewalk, really wishing you had some sort of car as the bags dug into your hands. Look, you had done enough ‘one-trips’ to get you the strength to carry these bags, but after a while the bags became like knives to your hands so you stopped at a nearby bench to let your hands recover. 

You flexed your hands as the deep lines on your palms slowly faded. You sighed. You needed to get out more. You watched the demons pass you, all in a hurry to their own destinations. 

After your hands recovered and you regained your strength, you picked up your bags and continued your search. If there was a bookstore they were doing a damn good job at hiding it. All the streets started to blur together and you had no idea if you were walking onto new streets or the same one. Eventually you saw a store sign with a book decal and you nearly melted into the concrete with joy and relief. Next time you ran errands for Charlie, you’d ask for directions.

You walked over to the store and went inside. It was rather empty, maybe no one else could find it either. You rummaged through the books on the shelves. None of them were the ones you needed. You sighed. Was this not the right place? You groaned as you defeatedly walked back to the door.

“Hey!” A demon from behind a register called. “You better pay for what you took!”

You looked at her, confused. “Ms, I didn’t take anything, I wasn’t able to find what I needed.”

She glared at you, “Uh-huh, that’s what they all say. Now pay up before I call security.” 

“Wh- what? But, I didn’t take anything!” You replied frantically. “You can search me if you want!”

“You wish! As if I’d ever put my hands on you,” She growled.

Was she being serious? You didn’t have time for this. You groaned again and walked over to her and handed her cash. “Here, I don’t know what I took but take this, it should cover anything I ‘took’.”

She grinned as she pocketed the money. She waved a hand at you, “now shoo, I don’t want to see your filthy face here ever again.”

That was fine by you, you didn’t want to be here ever again. You stomped out of the store, your blood boiling. You grumbled to yourself as you continued to walk around the endless city. You were near ready to give up when someone bashed the back of your head with a blunt object. You fell on your hands and knees, the skin on your hands getting scratched off as you landed harshly on the concrete. You spun around on the ground just in time for another blow to hit you, this time in the face. You could feel your nose pour blood and you blindly kicked at the demon. You heard them hiss as you made contact with one of their knees and you scrambled backwards, trying to stand up. The demon, who you now saw looked like a werewolf of some sort, pounced on you, grabbing your hands and pinning them to the ground. A butcher knife materialized in your hand as you thrashed, trying to stab them. Lucifer had taught you that all sinners have their own demonic powers and he had shown you how to use it. Yours just so happened to be cooking related. 

The dog was stronger than you were and your attempts to get your hands free were failing. You kicked at their stomach with both of your feet, which allowed you a moment of freedom. You took this moment to move your weapon into the hellhound’s shoulder, which caused them to recoil and hold their shoulder. You scrambled to your feet and ran. You heard them growl and they ran after you. They were gaining on you quickly and you had no other choice. You flapped your wings, desperately trying to lift yourself in the air. You had never tried to fly, you didn’t think you could but you had to try. Your feet started to lift off the ground and you beat your wings, trying to get away.

Just as it felt like you were getting away a sharp pain shot through your left wing and you came crashing down on the asphalt. He had used your own knife against you, your weapon piercing your wing. Adrenaline fought back the pain as you tried to crawl away. You could hear the dog howling with laughter as he got closer. They crushed your ankle with his foot, stopping you. You cried out for help as the demon chuckled. You flapped your wings desperately, pain shooting through your body.  The hellhound growled and gripped your wounded wing.

“Still trying to get away? Tsk,” their grasp tightened. “Let’s see how well you can fare without one of your precious little wings.”

Your eyes widened in horror as you took in his words, his claws tearing through the membrane of your wing and yanking a good portion of your wing off. You cried out in pain and agony, gripping the concrete. 

They threw the useless chunk of flesh in front of you so you could see it. They barked out a laugh, “pathetic.”

You choked back a sob as they plunged the knife into your side for good measure. You gritted your teeth as you tried to summon another weapon but failed. Your strength was fleeting as you bled out. 

The demon laughed from behind you. “Good luck, bitch!” They called out, walking away.

You waited until you couldn’t hear them anymore before you tried to move. You grasped the concrete with your nails as you used all your strength to move your body along the sidewalk, leaving a trail of blood behind you. You gave up on begging for help, it was clear no one was. The anger and spite that bloomed within you gave you enough strength to grab onto the side of a wall and pull yourself onto your feet. 

You hobbled your way back to the hotel, focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other and fighting to remain conscious. Your vision felt fuzzy, the edges slowly fading to black but you fought it off. You couldn’t collapse in the middle of the city, you’d surely die. You gritted your teeth and continued, fighting back the sobs in your throat as pain rang throughout your bleeding body. Your knife still laid within your side, taking it out would only increase the bleeding so you left it in. It clawed painfully against your insides as you did your best to walk. 

You could see the glowing lights of the hotel in the distance, you were headed the right direction, thankfully. Your vision blurred as you made your way closer to the Hazbin Hotel. Relief coated your pain, you’d be fine soon. You’d be safe soon. You just had to keep walking, one foot in front of the others. You could do it, you’d survive. You would live.

You failed to notice the sidewalk ending and stumbled onto the grass. You groaned. You couldn’t stand back up, you’d have to crawl up hill. Your nails dug into the ground as you shoved your body forward. You cried out for help, hopefully they could hear you now.

“Lucifer! Help! Someone, please! Please help me!” You sobbed, clawing at the grass.

You could faintly hear the doors open and a few voices. You then heard someone sharply gasp. Before you knew it someone landed by your side.

“Twist! Are you alright? What happened?” It was Lucifer. He was looking down at you, his yellow eyes scanning your body in a frantic manner. 

He gently picked you up and six wings sprouted from his back as he flew you into the hotel. You melted into his arms. You had made it. You were safe. Your vision grew darker as more voices spoke up around you. You couldn’t help in your loopy state to feel guilty, Lucifer’s white coat was now stained with your blood. You looked up at him as he carried you into a room, his pupils now slits as he focused. 

You finally gave into the pain and closed your eyes. You were in safe hands. You’d be okay.

[smallgronk]

This Community: A Love Letter <3

When I originally joined Tumblr, it was because reddit was being fucking dumb and I didn't want to support it. I had been a user for almost a decade and it really was frustrating to leave a platform I enjoyed so much. It turns out to have been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I went from a lurker to being active in a wonderful community here on Tumblr. I originally joined because I wanted to see the same memes I got from reddit, and I loved the horny vibe mixed in. It was right when I was beginning to explore myself for the first time in my life, rather than just floating along. When I got here, it took me a bit to find my feet, and holy shit was the effort worth it. I struggled with feeling like I was invading, but so many people took my hand and let me know I was welcome all the same. Whether I knew what I was or not, and because of that I was able to truly immerse myself fully in a vibrant queer community for the first time. I had plenty of interactions with many in the queer community before, but not from the inside like it happened here. I finally was able to figure out something that made me feel comfortable with myself. I realize in hindsight, I had never truly felt at peace. I suspected I might be trans before I came here, but I learned some of what being trans means to me in this place. I was content to leave the story at that! To have been grateful for the small kindnesses afforded to me by those around me. To start to try and help others see the same things I had my eyes opened to, and just move forward. And then this week happened, and it feels like my life is going to have a before and after. In a mere five days I have had so many things occur it takes me paragraphs to even glimpse the surface. Death, fear, bravery, exploration, romance, joy, and hope. I have experienced these things more deeply in a matter of days than I have in the last decades of my life as a guy. I have spent mere weeks as a girl on tumblr, a week in my house as a girl, have yet to try and be a girl in public, and I don't even think I consider myself a woman yet, but my life as a girl has felt like its almost just as long as the life I spent as a man. Its incredible. In the middle of this incredible, horrible, beautiful, and terrifyingly stressful week I didn't know how I was going to make it through each minute let alone get through each day. And then this silly little horny community reached out to me. Everywhere I turned I had people not just offer support when I complained, I had people reach out just to let me know they were there if I needed them. I'm so used to just shoving things down and dealing with it alone that I didn't even know how to accept this much help. Every time I had gotten everything shoved down again I had someone else reassure me that I was allowed to lean on them if I needed. It was incredible. It felt almost coordinated with how many people helped me. And I just don't think it's possible for me to express my love for everyone in this community who has helped me both this week, and in the time leading up to it. Those who have given me tips. Those who have helped me find myself. Those who have made me feel beautiful. Those who have let me lean on them when I needed to cry. Those who just let me know they would worry for me. @xenasaur @justaflatbitch @userwordandpassname @rosieeyes @crocadilly @latenitegirlluv @evergreen-femme @v10l3nt-gl1tch3s @tymera @godincarsnate-blog Thank you. I have already said words to some of you, but there is no chance it accurately gets across how much so many people here have meant for me in the little time I've spent. I have surely missed people here, so please don't think you don't matter if you haven't made the list. It's not just these few people. It's the entire community that gathers together and makes this kind of thing happen. Everyone has played a role in making such a lovely space what it is. Big hugs, much love- Jay

[sukunafuka]

Suka give us a list of ur nastiest kinks and fantasies, vanilla be damned

18+ ONLY NSFW

(ALL OF THESE ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND I JUST LIKE TO READ ABOUT THEM. I DO NOT WANT THEM IRL)

i fear there are too many to list properly but i’ll try🫶🏻 all of my fics are literally just my kinks hidden behind writing lmaoo but there is a lot of stuff i haven’t delved into yet. in spite of potentially leaving some out on accident, i’ll give you a few off the top of my head:

a huge one for me will always be somno (take one look at my fics😔)

dad’s best friend (at least 20 yrs older than you) who knows it’s morally wrong to want his friend’s daughter who’s in her 20s and has to be convinced over YEARS to even touch her makes me DROOL(daddy issues lol) this can be classified as age gap right?

exhibitionism will always make me kick my feet, something about the humiliation and the control aspect of it. (ie: guy shoving his hand into your pants sitting beside you at dinner and keeping a straight face as he rubs at your clit) 🤤 being fucked on a train around a bunch of people who have no idea has always excited me too

i (usually) won’t read a fic that has cheating in it because it just doesn’t rly do it for me but the idea of dating an older man and his son is around your age and he can’t help but wanna fuck you, is so jealous of his dad, talks to his friends about what they think your pussy looks like/ just stupid locker room talk is so hot for what???? (my megumi and toji fic is literally one of my favorite things i’ve written) idk what this is classified as in the kink world- maybe cuckolding??

virgin!!!!! i don’t think it’s overdone at all, you just have to be able to write it creatively and make it stand out from the usual virgin fics (not easy to do). at risk of sounding like a middle aged dude who fucks virgins as sport (toji? lol) i really love the idea of feeling something good for the first time with someone you love and the potential embarrassing moments that can occur during the act. showing a virgin how new things can feel too is so sweet and alluring (choso fic about this has been in my head since i started tumblr lol just haven’t finished that fic) also love the implication that they don’t want to have sexual relations with someone unless they are in love since they’re in their 20s and still a virgin<3 so sweet

i’m a certified monster fucker😔 BIG FAT DICK and SMOLL HUMAN. lol. love the idea of monster looking at his dick and then at you and being like ‘… i don’t think this’ll work’ LOLOL he doesn’t wanna hurt you🥹also love the fact that they’re not conditioned by our stupid society. like your insecurities don’t even matter with him because he’s literally a monster who accepts and loves you without question, not even a thought in his mind, whereas human men have subconscious and conscious standards for women because of media/what they’re told. body hair, tightness, body image, etc.

controversial but i love stepcest, the idea of knowing it has to be a secret and it’s ‘wrong’ but the yearning for one another is so intense that you can’t resist?? like damn they want eachother that badly. the potential funny moments that can be weaved into a fic about this is so entertaining too. being secretive in general and sneaking around has always been hot as well. something about a step brother who you laugh with, who protects you from bullies, who gets annoyed with you, who you hated when you first met but warmed up to, who you hangout in his room even when he says to get out because you’re annoying, who you give dirty looks to the girls he brings around, who you sometimes sleep in his room because you had a nightmare and he begrudgingly lets you but puts pillows between you with annoyance because you ‘kick in your sleep.’ idk, it’s the way you can be yourself with them, and they love you all the same. (i have issues)

professor/student yes pls. (only college student and professor). again, it’s secretive. makes you feel like reader is just special and he can’t resist. the power dynamic 🫦the yearning, the slowburn, the idea of him teaching you something and being happy when you understand it or get a good grade. them being proud of you and patting you on the head platonically but you’re suddenly throbbing in your panties. slowly convincing him that it’s okay and that no one will know. hottt

bully is too good.(hello sukuna!) he’s so mean and even pushes you physically sometimes against walls or to the floor, spills things all over you, humiliates you in front of everyone, calls you names, makes sure you know that he’s in charge. but he never lets anyone else bully you, you’re his and he protects you like you’re his pet. eventually he realizes that he likes you and he’ll never admit it verbally but he starts to do nice things hidden behind mean words. real enemies to lovers. ultimate slow burn. think it can be really intense if done right. so dominant!!

a few more without explanations: slapping during sex, spitting, choking, overstimulation, mask play, predator/prey, hybrid, etc.

[thisapplepielife]

Rules: list the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern!

I was tagged by both @wynnyfryd and @wormdebut, thank you both! (I only used AO3 fics. That's easier for me to sort through than Tumblr.)

01) Steve is comfortable on his back, laying against the trunk of his car, looking up at the night sky, when he sees a shooting star rush across the vastness of space. - {All Across the Universe}

02) Steve slumps behind his computer monitor at his desk, trying to make himself as small as possible. - {Secret Santa}

03) Eddie rests his forearm over his eyes, attempting to block out the way too bright sun and wipe the sweat away from his forehead at the same time. - {Permanent 99}

04) "No, no, no," Steve says, waving his hand in front of him. - {Steddie Holiday Drabbles}

05) Steve shoves the key into the lock of the Wienerlicious front door, and jiggles it just so, trying to get the damned thing to open. - {King Steve}

06) Steve sits alone at a small table near the fountain in the center of the mall a few miles from his house. - {If You Only Believe}

07) "This is ridiculous!" Eddie screams as loud as he can, from the bottom of the ladder. - {Let the Boy Be Merry}

08) Eddie steps out of the car, right between the Methodist church and the Hawkins High School building. - {Yours For the Weekend}

09) Gareth runs up and shoves Goodie into Jeff, and keeps running. - {Wake Up Time}

10) Diana hates doing the dishes. - {Crawling Back to You}

First, I like long sentences. I almost said run-on, but I usually love a good comma. Or three. I know this about myself. Long sentences, but short paragraphs. ("I want a fic with a short paragraph, and a loooonnnng, long sentence." - CAKE, probably.)

And, lol, I knew I liked to set up my POV right away, so the reader knows whose head they're in, because I appreciate that as a reader, but damn. A name as the first word 8/10 times is hilarious, even to me. I'll try not to be self-conscious about it from now on.

I think it's pretty appropriate that 4 of them start with Steve (Steve is my fav, and my draw into this show), 2 are Eddie, and one each for Gareth & Di. That seems to be a pretty accurate representation of my Stranger Things fic writing splits, haha.

(And for fun, yes, Take the Money and Run and Tuesday's Gone With the Wind both start with names, too: Steve and Eddie, respectively. And I just looked at my two other "medium-ish" unposted fics I'm working on, and yep: Steve and Eddie starters. Again. 🤷)

I also checked, and while I still like to use a name, I see that I'm far more open to starting a drabble with something other than a name than I am a longer piece.

Don't bore us, get to the chorus when I'm strictly limited on words, I guess. 🤣

Tagging anyone else that hasn't done it and wants to do it! ❤️

[rekas-writes]

Hello, can I order headcanons? If so, I would like a yoru x male reader with an agent whose skills are similar to a vampire, remember to eat healthy and take care of yourself!! ♡

A/N: Hello and thank you for your order! It was really fun to write! I promise I am also taking care of myself ^^ And here’s a note for you to do the same too!

Also, my inbox has quite the stack of reqs, but I’m doing my best to get through the list as quickly and as thoroughly as possible! It’s just a little bit overwhelming ^^; It’s also not helping that Tumblr on my pc is eating my reqs ;-; I’m glad my phone has all of them still (at least I hope it does-)

✧☕✧ Thank you for ordering, please do visit again soon~! ✧🍮✧

Strange Cravings and Love Bites

Pair: Yoru/ M! Agent + Radiant! Reader Source: Valorant

Type: Headcanons - 1,222 words Genre: Fluff, Slice of Life, Angsty/Hurt w/ Comfort at the very end Perspective: Second-Person (You/Your)

TW: Mild references to violence, reader getting hurt, reader biting Yoru and getting a little carried away but he's fine! + thought of Yoru dying at the very end

⋆♱✮☽🦇☽✮♰⋆

You remind Yoru a lot of the classical vampire figure, to the point where he kind of associates you with some of the common tropes. More specifically, the weaknesses. You may not be able to tell with his prickly demeanour, but he is a worrier- especially with those he holds dear, doubly so if it concerns his boyfriend. He doesn't want you to get hurt, and ends up projecting that whenever he gets harsh.

Que his surprise when he sees you eating garlic bread or chilling casually under the sun. You had to remind him that you weren’t actually a vampire, and if they really did burn up- Reyna would have to carry an umbrella to every day mission (You heard her laugh behind you right after. You weren’t sure whether to count your days or to consider yourself on her good side)

Though, that being said, the Sun probably does have some kind of influence over you and your abilities. Maybe you have an allergic reaction if you’re under it too long, or it takes longer to channel your abilities, or you could just feel weaker under the harsh light (Maybe even changing personality like a certain FE character)

Somehow, being beside Yoru makes that all feel better, if just a little. Maybe it’s because he’s your 夜 (*Yoru -> night). Your comforting, starlit night in the overwhelming brightness of day. If you ever spill those thoughts to him, he will short-circuit no matter how hard he tries to brush it off. Any flattery unrelated to his prowess in battle is way harder for him to take in and retort, even with his ego. It’s quite easy to tease him and watch his face glow warm with a blush- like the hue of the setting Sun

"Like the night sky, you're like a blessing to me! My very own good luck charm! Thank you, Yoru."

"... You're terrible at flirting. Focus on the mission already, idiot," // Internally: "adsjjskdjdk???SDAJKDAJHKJDK???"

If your eyes are sensitive to the light, there’s a good chance he gave you a pair of sunglasses. They might’ve even been your first gift from him! Having seen you wordlessly struggling with the glaring sunlight, he either leaves a pair in your locker or shoves them in your face while avoiding your eye contact. He will never admit that he was thinking about you, let alone worrying enough to get you something. Don’t ask, he will scoff and say it’s because he doesn’t want you dragging the team behind with your incompetence. Ouch.

You may have keen senses, like Reyna’s ability to hear people’s heartbeats. Your eyes are sharp, and you can smell copper like a shark despite nothing being spilt on the battlefield just yet; or perhaps your sense of smell is more distinct. Maybe certain people smell sweet and alluring or plain and uninteresting, if you have the urge to feed just like a vampire. You may even need to feed, in order to recover your strength. (On base, you totally drink from "juice pouches" Like some kind of morbid capri-sun)

If it’s the latter, Yoru most definitely draws you in the most. There’s just something you can’t put your finger on. If you focused on it, you'd be able to guess where he was with those heightened senses of yours. Mirror Yoru really needs to watch out when you’re on the prowl, that unique draw applies to him too

As a radiant related to creatures of the night, there’s a very good chance you can shapeshift into a bat! Yoru could never admit it but he thinks that form of yours is very cute. He definitely has the urge to just hold you whenever you shift. He thinks you can’t tell, but you can see the way his expression subtly changes to one of awe. No thought, only hold bat boyfriend gently.

Some agents have definitely found you like that, just napping somewhere in the common room with you in your bat form perched on his head. You might even be able to control or summon bats! He put a limit on how many you could summon in his room, though. He's not willing to have his bed be surrounded in bats, unfortunately :(

There’s been times where you've pushed yourself too far, the strain bearing its weight down on you. Like all radiants, you get tired when you use your abilities too much. You’re running on empty when you get hit badly, body too exhausted and hungry to mend itself like usual. Alone with a hand pressed to your biggest wound, you wait- head growing foggier as time seems to all but slow down.

You can’t describe the look on Yoru’s face when he finally finds you. He’s silent, and you can't hear his usual scolding and sharp insults. It's frightening, you realise. More frightening than your possible death. Instead, he's kneeling forward and offering his arm to your mouth. It’s positively dizzying when you breathe in, self-control broken as your body demands for you to accept.

When you finally snap back to focus, you’d never felt dread like that before, lurching backwards as you try and focus on hearing the thud of Yoru’s pulse. Guilt and anxiety are at the forefront of your mind, with apologies spewing forth and shaking hands. He only brings you into a slight hug, one partially induced out of light-headedness, as he mumbles your name and a partial command/plea,

“Take better care of yourself.”

He makes you swear to come to him whenever you need to drink after that. Yoru can't bear the sight of you like that again, slouched, wounded and gasping for breath with dulling eyes, your skin a sickly hue. He was prepared to offer as much as it took to get you back to usual. He probably accidentally confessed here and now, after realising just how much you meant to him.

If immortality is part of your radiant abilities, deep down, you knew this wonderful relationship would one day become a bittersweet memory. You avoided telling him for as long as possible, not wanting to burden him with your knowledge of what will happen. But one day, it’s inevitable as you gaze at the night sky and count the stars like they’re the countdown to the day you would be left behind.

You’re sombre, the terrifying thoughts weighing you down more than usual, and Yoru can tell whatever it is that had been plaguing you for these past few weeks is really piling up. He doesn’t want to have to force it out of you, but it pains him to see you like this. He’ll wait, no matter how long it takes to gather the strength

That day, you break. It’s as he holds your hand gently- as though you’re made of glass. He calls your name, not your code name, not a nickname. His tone is just as gentle, yet firm- steadfast in letting you know he has you as much as you have him,

“You can talk to me.”

You crack and splinter, caving in to his warmth and comfort. You vent the painful pangs in your heart, the dark storm that rages in your head. All that pent up grief and pain floods out into the abyss of night. To the world’s night and your night; the night that lets you cling close and embraces you readily to soften your anguish

[ujimoo]

For Tonight, For The Weekend, Forever. | KSM

synopsis: going home for your childhood friend's wedding was the easy part, however, facing him was something else entirely.

pairings: seungmin x fem!reader, jisung x OC, chan x OC.

includes: past love, first love, angst, best friend!Jisung, weekend romance, heartbreak, second-chance romance.

WARNING: mention of mature themes, suggestive - implied sex, but no actual smut. mature jokes (one death joke, sex jokes), drinking, mentions of eating and multiple restaurant 'eating scenes', maybe more i’ve missed - let me know if i have

word count: 24,976

a.n. Here it is! My longest fic I have ever written for tumblr. As I said in the teaser, this original idea comes from the song Tis The Damn Season by Taylor Swift, however, as you can tell, it's changed a lot since the original idea. ALSO, I just want to say a massive thank you to Galaxy from @plutominho for being my best friend, the greatest editor, the best person to brainstorm with and for being my number one supporter, I love you so much more than I could possibly describe. Thank you for putting up with me when it came to writing this fic and thank you for putting up with me in general haha.

a.a.n. parts in all italics are flashbacks!!

permanent tag list: @awooghan​ @soobin-chois @curlytxe @treetops68 @minniee-bear 

tag list: @smally97 @blueleventprint @heeverseblog​

It’s the sounds of typing coming from your best friend Gwen’s laptop that keep you awake– barely. Looking down at the book that was led out on the desk in front of you, you sigh. Your brain feels numb and everything you read leaves your mind the moment you look away. 

It doesn’t help that the library you’re currently sitting in was eerily quiet. Sure, it was late and many other students had given up on studying at this point and you couldn’t blame them, but at the same time. It was almost too quiet. 

“Did you get the invite to the wedding?” Gwen’s voice causes you to jump out of your skin. The sound of Gwen’s bubblegum-like voice definitely wakes you up. 

Rubbing your eyes with the back of your hands, you question her. “Get what?” 

“The invite,” Gwen says slowly. “To Mina and Chan’s wedding.” 

Shrugging and pushing the book away from you. You lean back against your seat. 

“I don’t know,” you starts. “Maybe, I haven’t checked my mail in a few days.” 

Glancing over at Gwen, who smiles a small smile, you copy her.

“Well make sure to check, Mina will kill you if you don’t go,” Gwen laughs. 

You nod your head as you begin to shove your now discarded books into your bag. It was late and you had had enough of trying to study now.

“Yeah yeah, I know, I’ll check,” you hum. “Also, make sure not to stay here too late. At least get that Dofus you call a boyfriend-...” 

Gwen quickly cuts you off,  “not my boyfriend.”

This was enough to cause you to mentally face-palm. Shaking your head, you put your backpack over your shoulders. 

“Either way, don’t walk home alone in the dark.” 

“Yeah yeah,” Gwen says. “Just make sure to catch up on sleep okay? And actually, eat something good for once!” 

You don’t look back at your best friend, but raise a hand to signal that you had in fact heard her last words and made your way back to your apartment. 

Your apartment was small and outdated. The air was dry, yet somehow, you were sure there was mould growing in the corner of your living room and whilst you knew you should call your landlord, you just couldn’t be bothered. 

Not long now, you thought to yourself. 

It wasn’t long until you could move out and move on from the place for good. It wasn’t long until you could get a better one, maybe one closer to home. Somewhere where the rent wasn’t as hefty. 

Somewhere that actually kept the warmth in. 

Letting your bag drop onto the small couch and you ran a hand through your hair. It wasn’t until a moment later that you remembered about having to check your mailbox. You didn’t want to, maybe you could make up some excuse that you forgot or that you misplaced your mailbox key, but you knew Gwen wouldn't stand for it. 

“Shit,” you mumble, grabbing your keys once more and heading back out the door. 

Thankfully, you only lived on the first floor, so it wasn’t that much of a journey down to the postroom. 

The main entrance and the postroom were completely different to the rest of the building. They were in pristine condition compared to literally everywhere else. As if the main entrance was to lure you in. That’s how it happened to you at least, with promises of how the rest of the building would one day look like the polished main entrance. 

Promises that were never kept.

 Going over to your personal mailbox, you take the key and unlock it. There wasn’t much in there like you normally assumed. The usual; bills, junk mail, more bills. However, wedged between two letters was the card you had been looking for. 

A white card sprayed with gold edges. It was definitely it. 

Delicately turning it around and you smile lightly at the fancy lettering. This was definitely the type of invite one Kim Mina would send.  

‘You are invited to the wedding of Kim Mina and Bang Chan’. 

Closing your mailbox and quickly locking it back up. You make your way back up to your apartment. Carefully placing the invite onto your mantel above your non-working fireplace and stare at it for a moment. 

Then the moment passes and you grab your backpack once more and head straight for your bedroom. There was a lot to think about when it came to the wedding, the most notable being who would be in attendance. That thought was something you didn’t want, so for now, you’d ignore it– until you couldn’t anymore.

→→

The second time Gwen asks about the invite, you’re both walking between classes. Whilst you weren’t the same majors, you were lucky enough to finish classes at the same time. So, that’s what you would do every Wednesday since you both started that year of university:

You’d finish class at the same time, meet at the main entrance to the building, Gwen would walk with you to your next class and then Gwen would wait around for her boyfriend, that isn’t her boyfriend– long story– jisung to meet her after his own class finished at 5 pm. 

“So did you get the invite or not?” Gwen asks. “You never said anything about it last time.” 

Pulling your bag straps closer to the middle of your chest, you hum in response. “Oh yeah, I got it.” 

Gwen makes a face, basically telling you to continue, but you decide to stay silent.

“And?!” Gwen gasps. “You’re going to have to respond soon, Mina will be pissed if you don’t go, you know this.” 

“I know!” you whine. “It’s just, I know I’ll see him.” 

“And?” Gwen repeats. “This is our best friend since childhood’s wedding. Don’t let her dumb brother make you miss out on something like that and anyway,” Gwen gulps. “I’d be more scared of Mina’s wrath of you missing her wedding than of you having to face him for like four days.” 

You sink into yourself at the thought of it, “true.”

Seeing him was one thing, but Mina’s wrath was a whole other thing entirely. The one way to describe that of Kim Mina and that was the devil in human form. Sure, she was the kindest person you and Gwen had ever met. Mina would do anything for anyone she cared about, however, Mina was blunt. She was more than blunt, she was ruthless and said things how she saw them. She couldn’t sugarcoat things just to sugarcoat, but that’s what made her words mean so much more. 

All the Kim siblings were one and the same, like carbon copies of each other. Mina, her twin brother and their younger brother, Seungmin. Aka the man you didn’t want to see.

“If you really don’t want to go, then you don’t have to.” Gwen pats you on the shoulder. “But remember what I said, don’t let him be the reason for missing out on something like this. She’s only ever going to have one wedding.”

Stopping outside of the building of your next class. You nod your head. 

 “You’re right– and don’t say I told you so,” you quickly add when you see the look of mischief on Gwen’s face. “I’ll tell her I’m going tonight when I get home.” 

“Good,” Gwen smiles. “You can drive down with me and Ji.” 

You instantly let out a groan as you lean your head back., “And listen to you flirt fight or whatever the heck it is you do for like six hours?” 

“We do not do that!” Gwen rolls her eyes. “And hey, it’s up to you, I was just thinking it would save you gas money…” 

you give in instantly. Screw gas prices and their ways of rising prices. Can’t they just think of students for once?

“Fine! But I swear to God if you guys flirt the whole way I’m going to scream.” 

Gwen pushes you in the direction of the doors and repeats herself. “We don’t and we won’t!” 

you found it hard to believe her, but you decide that it was easier just to give in.

→→

By the time you got home, it was dark and you felt sticky and damp. With the changing of the weather, you had begun to dress more warmly in the morning only for you to be sweating your ass off by the time midday rolled around. To be fair, you did this every year, but still, you never learnt. 

The feeling of having to go up one flight of stairs was enough to make you feel mad.  Pulling off your hat, your frizzy hair springs up at the lack of force smothering it down. Shoving it into your bag, you put your keys in between your lips for a minute as you struggle to take off your scarf and shove that in there too. 

Taking your keys from your lips and rushing towards your door, and unlock it. Stripping off your coat in record time, you let that and your bag fall to the floor. As you stumble to the bathroom, you take off your trousers and let them trail behind you. Flicking the light on, you head straight for your shower, turn it on and as you wait for it to heat up, you go to your bedroom to get yourself a set of pyjamas for after your much-needed shower. 

The shower was nice, it was everything you needed after the day you had. You were thankful that you were able to wash away your worries about the wedding and how you were able to reminisce on the words Gwen had told you and you were even able to practice what you were going to say when you would inevitably call Mina later that night. 

You turn off the shower and step out, shivering at the cold as you wrap yourself up in your towel. You dry yourself, putting on some underwear and your pyjamas. Not bothering with anything like body cream, you make your way back through the hallway, picking up your discarded trouser, your coat as well as your bag. Hanning up your coat, and resting your bag on the couch, you threw your dirty trouser into the washing basket before going back to dig your phone out of the depths of your bag. 

Scrolling through the notifications on the lock screen, you ignore the notifications that were from useless apps you even forgot you had, like random tweet alerts from Twitter, video notifications from youtube and focused more on your text message alerts. 

There was a string of texts from a group chat you have with Gwen and jisung and you make sure to click on that one first. 

Wannabe Spiderman: 4:55 pm 

Gwen told me ur riding with us to the wedding… sick! 

Princess Gwen<3: 4:56 pm 

Never say that again, you’re such a dork. 

Wannabe Spiderman: 4:56 pm

U hurt my feelings, that is so not sick! 

Princess Gwen<3: 4:57 pm

I hate you omg

Giggling away at Gwen and Jisung’s exchanges, you type out your own message before quickly hitting send. 

y/nnie stupid: 6:02 pm

Weren’t you guys together at this point? 

Also, who changed my nickname? 

Princess Gwen<3: 6:03 pm

Yes, and who do you think? 

y/nnie stupid: 6:04 pm

The dofus?

Princess Gwen<3: 6:04 pm

DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER! 

Wannabe Spiderman: 6:06 pm

I feel like u guys just like ganging up on me

Just say ur jealous of my great nicknaming skills and go

y/nnie stupid: 6:07 pm

Sure we are, sooo jealous. 

Wannabe Spiderman: 6:08 pm

BULLIES ! all of you !

Rolling your eyes and laughing at jisung’s texts and you back out of the message chain before clicking into a private one between you and Gwen. 

Gwen<3: 6:02 pm

I know you’re worried about this whole wedding thing and having to see ******** again, but it’ll be okay. I’ll fight him for you and you know Mina wouldn’t want anything bad to happen either. 

y/nnie<3: 6:09 pm

Did you really censor his name? 

Gwen<3: 6:10 pm

Of course, I did. He makes you upset so he must not be named in our sacred texts. 

y/nnie<3: 6:10 pm

Lol, i love you

Gwen<3: 6:11 pm

Love you too<3 

But, for real, the wedding will be okay, you won’t even have to leave my side if it makes you feel better. I have my own room at the hotel, we can just share so you won’t have to be alone?

y/nnie<3: 6:13 pm

Okay, would love that. I need to call Mina before it gets too late, but I’ll tell you how it goes at some point later. 

Try not to kill sung when I’m gone.

Gwen<3: 6:15 pm

Yeah, you must! 

And no promises<3 

Closing the app, you soon pull up Mina’s contact and let your thumb hover over the call button. 

It was now or never. You had to, you couldn’t push this off any longer even if you wanted to– which if you could, you probably would. 

Clicking call, you hold it up to your ear as you bite at the skin around your thumbnail on your other hand in anticipation. It felt like the ringing tone was mocking you– if it could even mock you? You weren’t so sure anymore. 

The call clicked through and the bright voice of Mina rang through your speakers and into your ears. 

“y/nnie!” Mina exclaims. “How are you?” 

  Humming, you smile as you respond,. “I’m good, how are you?” 

“Good, I’m good too.” 

you can practically hear Mina smiling through the phone and you’re is inclined to try and match it. 

“So, what are you calling for?” Mina asks. 

you quickly respond, “about the wedding!” 

“Ah, great! Calling to say you’re coming right? Cause I already have you set down as so.” 

you laugh and attempt to nod your head before realising Mina couldn’t see you. You knew Mina would do this, you knew that she knew you would go regardless of how you felt. 

“Yes yes, I’m coming so don’t think otherwise.” 

“Good,” Mina hums. “I was worried for a second there when you hadn’t responded to the invite that you weren’t going to.” 

“No, I’m coming.” 

“You better, I’ll hunt you down otherwise,” Mina adds before letting out a laugh. 

“Yeah, I know you would.” you laugh too. “And good for me, I am going so no need to get the hunting tools out.” 

You can hear movement in the background and Mina soon turns her attention back to your conversation. 

“I gotta go y/nnie, I’m sorry, Chan is going to be back soon and I’m in the middle of preparing dinner.” 

“Okay,” you respond quickly. “I need to do some food too.” 

“Yeah, you do,” Mina states. “And make sure it’s something other than ramen this time around.” 

Rolling your eyes, you hum, however, you couldn’t fight her because she wasn’t wrong. “Yes, mother.” 

Sharing a laugh, you both quickly say your goodbyes and end the call. You were actually starting to get hungry. Mina mentioning food had made you realise it and thankfully you had actually gone shopping for once, a few days beforehand. So, you definitely had something other than ramen that night. 

→→

You weren’t sure how you ended up aimlessly wandering around at some house party. Gwen had dragged both you and Jisung there as a way to 'celebrate' the that it was the beginning of the final year, but she promptly went off somewhere leaving you and Jisung alone. That was until jisung saw something or someone and disappeared without you even knowing. 

Sure parties were fun, and you liked a good party now and then, but as you stood idly, on the front porch, hoping to catch a glimpse of either of your best friends, the party had lost its spark. 

The air was still cold and your knitted jumper did just a good enough job of shielding you from it, but even with your sweater paws, every now and then a shiver would run down your spine. You wondered if it would be a good time to walk home. Sure you knew, that it was dark and it was a dumb and dangerous idea to walk by yourself, especially without informing your two best friends, but even after an hour at least, you still hadn't found them. 

It was boring, you were bored. You just wanted to go home and find something to watch and prayed that you kept yourself warm enough so you didn't catch a cold. 

"You alright?" You jump at the sudden voice next to you and turn around to see Seungmin with a concerned look on his face. 

You knew Seungmin– well knew him a bit, you had had classes together all throughout high school, but something in you changed within the last year that made you look at him differently. You weren't sure what it was exactly, but something about him made your heart flutter. 

"I'm okay," you smile. "I lost my friends, I thinking of heading home." You laugh at your words. 

"On your own?" He asks and you nod in response. "But it's dangerous, what if something happens?" 

"Eh," you push your lips into a thin line. "What's the worst that could happen?" 

"A lot of things?" He responds to your rhetorical question.

Turning your body to face him, you smile. "I'll be fine, plus if you're worried so much you could always walk me back?" 

Seungmin blinks and the sides of his mouth lift into a smile, one that makes your own even wider. You shocked yourself at your own confidence, but what surprised you more was the fact he agreed. 

"Okay," he hums. "I'll walk with you." 

"You sure?" You ask, pointing casually at the front door. "Not worried about leaving the party so soon?" 

He shakes his head and motions for you to lead the way. "Nah, the party doesn't seem to compare now." 

The walk back with him was an experience like no other and Seungmin is almost charming, showering you with compliments. Saying how the walk back with you is more fun than he's had in the past hour and a half he had been back at the party. 

So when you slow down and stop outside of your house, it's sad. You didn't want to part ways with him just yet, this was the most you had spoken to him in one go, and you didn't want it to end so early. 

Turning to him once again, you smile. "Thank you for walking back with me." 

"Thank you for your company," he smiles. 

Looking up at him, your smile doesn't leave your face and his own seemed to mimic yours. 

You couldn't tell how long you had both been standing there, looking at each other, but just like the walk, you didn't want it to end. He steps forward, leaning his face closer ever so slightly and whispers. "Can I say goodnight?" 

Butterflies erupt in your chest as you question, "In what way?." 

“A special way, with your consent of course,” he responds.

He doesn’t wait for you to finish nodding.

Your first kiss with Seungmin is short and sweet and you can taste a hint of cola on his lips. 

It didn’t matter that you had nothing to compare it to, but something in your heart knew that you'd never want to kiss anyone else if it wasn't Seungmin's lips on yours.

→→

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:05 am

We’re on our way now bishh

Gwen is yelling at me already, so pls be ready :D 

y/nnie stupid: 10:06 am

I’m ready and honestly, you probably deserve it

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:06 am

What is it with u guys and bullying me…

y/nnie stupid: 10:07 am

Love u too<3

Princess Gwen<3: 10:09 am

WTF I DIDNT YELL AT YOU YOU LIAR 

y/nnie stupid: 10:09 am

Focus on the road?!?!!!

Wannabe Spiderman: 10:10 am

She was at a stoplight

And she did btw

y/nnie SHE JUST HIT ME

SHE DID IT AGAIN

y/nnie stupid: 10:12 am

Please don’t kill each other before we’ve even left, thanks<3

You finish typing out the text, hit send and roll your eyes as you lock your phone before slipping it into the pocket of your coat. Grabbing the small suitcase you packed basically the night before, you open and hold the door open with your foot as you try to wrangle your way out. Succeeding, you let out a huff and begin to roll the suitcase to the stairs and quickly make your way to ground level and out onto the main road. 

By the time it took you to get outside, Gwen was already parked up with the trunk of her car open. She’s leant over it, clearing the bags back up so there’s a space for your stuff

“Where’s the dofus?” you laugh, your suitcase coming to a stop beside your feet. 

Rolling her eyes, Gwen motions to the space in the trunk for your suitcase. “I sent him down the street for coffee. I need it, especially for this trip.” 

Lifting up your suitcase, you attempt to slot it into the free place and your mind begins to wander. It had been a month since you had originally called Mina to tell her that you would be attending her wedding and for the first week since then, you genuinely felt okay, you felt good– really good. However, the past few days had been different. It was like all of your anxieties were inside of you waiting to escape– just like a shaken-up coke can. 

Your hands go up to close the trunk, however, it slips from your fingers and slams shut. This causes you to jump in surprise. Standing there, staring at the girl with a concerned look, Gwen tilts her head slightly. 

“You good, y/nnie?” she asks.

You quickly nod, your thoughts coming back to you. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” 

Gwen continues to look at you but decides to move on for a moment as she checks to make sure the trunk is properly closed before going around to get into the driver's seat. Looking over the top of the car at you, Gwen finally speaks once more.

“Please sit in the front, I can’t deal with Ji’s yapping in my ear constantly for six hours.” 

bursting into laughter and clapping your hands together, you nod.. “Will do.” 

You both get into the car and you turn to the blonde-headed girl next to you. 

“I’d say, if I didn’t know you I’d say you despised Ji.” 

Gwen lets out a groan, rolling her eyes as she looks at the steering wheel in front of her. 

“I don’t hate him, you know I don’t hate him,” Gwen sighs. “He just frustrates me.” 

“Because you love him and don’t know how to tell him.” 

Gwen’s head snaps in your direction. “I don’t love him! God, why would I love him?! He’s just a goddamn idiot.” 

Staring back at her with a blank expression, you blink. “Could you be any more of a tsundere?” 

Gwen mimics her words and makes a face to herself in disbelief. She stares out of the large window and down the street. Looking out for jisung making his way back to the car. 

“And don’t try and distract me, I know you’re acting weird and that your mind is going crazy on you,” Gwen explains. 

“I’m fine,” you fake a laugh. “Finer than fine.” 

Gwen snorts a laugh, “Bullshit! You’re freaking out because now you really have to go to Mina’s wedding, and see Seungmin and there’s no way for you to back out.” 

Feeling your cheeks begin to heat up, you look away and try to focus on something else. You don’t even try to deny Gwen’s claims, especially since she was right.

“And you’re not even fighting me on it,” Gwen tuts. “Seriously, babe, I’ll beat him up if he tries anything. I have your back.” 

You scoff and look back over to the blonde. “You couldn’t hurt anyone even if you tried.” 

Mimicking her words again, Gwen rolls her eyes. “Well, it’s the thought that counts.” 

“But is it though?” you ask rhetorically. 

“Look, we both know jisung couldn’t hurt a fly, so it’s up to me to be the badass of the group.” 

“That’s automatically Mina’s role,” you add. “And you love to burn him when he isn’t even here to defend himself.” 

“Well,  she’s not here right now is she? and of course I do, I need to get serotonin from somewhere.” 

“You need to stop being so mean to him,” you laugh causing Gwen to shrug. 

“He knows I don’t mean it,” Gwen responds, looking down to fiddle with her fingers in her lap. 

“Who knows you don’t mean it?” jisung’s voice causes both of you to jump out of your skin. Gwen looks around to see jisung is leant up against the car door, peering through the window with a tray of coffees in one hand. 

“Coffee,” Gwen hums, instantly going to grab one. “And no one it doesn’t matter.” 

jisung raises an eyebrow and looks over at you and just shrug your shoulders. Pouting, he looks back over to Gwen. “I thought I was sitting in the front?” 

“You’ve been demoted,” she says sipping away at her coffee. you weren’t sure you had even seen the girl as happy as she was with a coffee in her hand. 

“Fine,” jisung huffs. “I got you a caramel latte, y/nnie.” 

“And you’re the best,” you smile, leaning over to grab the hot drink from him.

Getting into the back seat, jisung leans forward between the two front seats. “So what were you two lovely ladies talking about just then?” Jisung cheekily smiles. “Gossiping about how you’re both deeply in love with me and can’t decide who should get the honour of dating me?” 

Gwen rolls her eyes and fakes a gag. “God, you’re obnoxious, you wish.” 

“You’re not my one-of-a-kind type of guy, sorry Ji,” you laugh, sending him a look.. 

“Well, I’ll have–” Jisung begins to speak, however, Gwen covers his mouth with her hand causing the rest of his sentence to come out in muffles. 

“We weren’t talking about that and don’t press on it okay?” Gwen asks. 

Gasping, Gwen quickly pulls her hand back before hitting Jisung in the shoulder. 

Looking back and forth between the two of you,, Jisung sighs. His eyes settle on you and frowns. “This is about Min isn’t it?” 

“Jisung!” 

“It’s fine!” you laugh. “It’s not like he doesn’t know anything about it.” 

Pushing his head back through the gap in the two front seats, he smiles, patting you on the shoulder. “I can protect you y/nnie, don’t worry.” 

It only takes one shared look between you and Gwen to turn to him, blink and burst into laughter. 

“What?! Why are you guys laughing?! I can protect her!” 

“You-” you hiccup as you try to speak. “You’d cry if he even looked at you the wrong way.” 

Jisung rolls his eyes as you both soon start to calm down, however, when you guys look at him again, both of your laughter start back up. 

“Bullies,” jisung mutters to himself, leaning back into the seat with his arms crossed. “All of you.” 

Gwen wipes her eyes, turning her attention towards the steering wheel. “Okay, okay,” she repeats as she tries to calm down. “We need to get going if we want to be there before nightfall.” 

 “Want me to play the tunes?” Jisung asks, popping his head through the gap once more. You weren’t sure where the boy got his energy from, part of you didn’t want to know. You were just thankful he decided not to drink coffee otherwise he would have been bouncing off the car walls.

“No!” Gwen cries as she starts the car. “You’ll play those stupid meme songs and you’ve been playing them nonstop already.” 

“You just have bad taste,” jisung snaps back, making Gwen gasp. 

“Taylor Swift is not bad taste and you know it,” Gwen laughs. “Mr let's be up at midnight so we can listen to midnights.” 

jisung stays quiet and Gwen scoffs to herself and mumbles something that you're unable to hear. Shaking your head, you turn to watch the world pass you by through the window. 

→→

“Can we stop to go to the bathroom?” Jisung complains from the back seat. 

“Why didn’t you go when we stopped literally half an hour ago?” you laugh as you ask him, looking over your shoulder. 

Jisung groans, sinking into his seat. “Because I didn’t need to go then!” 

“You’re a child!” Gwen cries.

“I’m older than you!” Jisung cries back. 

“By two days!” 

“Can we please stop, I need to go really bad!” Jisung begins to whine, stopping a foot. “Like I can’t even hold it, I could–” 

“Don’t you dare,” Gwen hisses, glaring at him through the review mirror. “The next stop is in ten minutes, so you better hold it otherwise if you piss in my car I’m leaving you there to rot.” 

“Okay, okay!” jisung responds. 

Watching from the sidelines, you giggle as you look back at a fidgeting jisung and then over at Gwen, you swore you could see the steam trying to escape her ears. 

It was a bit longer than ten minutes before Gwen pulls the car over and stops in one of the service stations and as soon as the car is stopped and off, Jisung unbuckles his belt and is off and out of the car in a flash. 

“At least we can get snacks?” you try and reassure her. 

Nodding along, Gwen takes her keys and opens her door and before she gets out, she turns to you. “And we’re not sharing them with him.” 

Laughing, you follow along behind her, making your way into the little shopping centre. 

Going into one of the general stores, Gwen wanders away as, you pick up a basket and begin to throw in a bunch of random snacks in there for both you and Gwen– and Jisung. Eventually finding you again, Gwen’s arms are now full of bottles of cold coffee and a few bottles of pop. 

“Don’t you want some water?” you ask as Gwen dumps all of the bottles into the basket. 

“I’ll have water when I’m dead,” she responds. 

Your eyebrows furrow together and you blink in confusion. “That’s not even the saying.” 

“Eh,” she shrugs. “Too bad.” 

Continuing to slowly make your way around the store and to waste time whilst you were waiting for Jisung to use the bathroom, you look over things you knew you wouldn’t buy. 

With Gwen following behind you this time, she clears her throat. “How are you feeling?” 

“Is this your way of seeing if I’m going to have an emotional breakdown anytime soon?” 

With a blank face, Gwen stares at you when you look away from the shelf and at her. 

“No, it’s just we’re like three hours away and just wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling too bad.” 

You shrug. You were trying not to think about it, because if you thought about it then the shaken can of your emotions would explode. You didn’t want that, Gwen and Jisung didn’t want that and Mina, Chan and everyone else didn’t want that either. 

“I’m fine,” you say with a sigh. 

“You haven’t seen him since he left,” Gwen states and you nod along. 

“I know Gwen,” you say laughing. “I was there.” 

“It’s just, I haven’t said it yet, but it’s okay to be nervous.”

You nod and hum for the nth time. “Thanks, Gwen, I mean it.” 

 Gwen doesn’t say much but picks up another item before putting it into the basket and you have to shift the weight by holding onto it with your arm. Gwen sees your struggle and takes the basket from you and you both walk over to the self-service. Scanning your items and paying for them. You split the bags between the both of you and start to make your way back to Gwen’s car. 

Exiting the large front doors of the service station, you stop when you see Jisung, sitting on the hood of Gwen’s car with a gigantic cup of a drink from the fast food place. 

“That brat,” Gwen hisses. “I swear to God if he complains he needs to piss again in twenty minutes, I’m kicking him out of the car.” 

You can’t help but laugh and you laugh even more when Jisung finally notices you both at the door and starts waving frantically at you both. 

“I can’t believe I like that fool,” Gwen tries to mumble to herself, but you catch it with a gasp. 

“I heard that!” You smile wide. “You finally said it! You like him!” 

Her eyes narrow as she snaps her head in your direction. “You. Heard. Nothing.” 

“Oh no,” You giggle, walking backwards in the direction of the car as you continue to look at her. “I definitely heard it.” 

“I swear to God y/n, I’ll leave you here too.” 

“Maybe that’s what I want, ever thought of that?” 

“You asshole,” Gwen hisses, following after you. 

“I won’t say anything,” you smile cheekily. “Yet.” You add before turning around and running over to the car. 

“What’s up, ladies?” Jisung asks, taking a long sip of his drink when you stop in front of the car. 

Gwen doesn’t look at either of you before opening her car door and throwing the bags inside. Looking up at Jisung once, her eyes narrow at him. 

“If you complain you need to piss again in half an hour, you’re dead.” 

“Got it.” He salutes.

Getting off of the hood of the car, he tries his best to look inside the carrier bags. “Got any snacks for me too?” 

“No/Yes,” Both you and Gwen say at the same time. 

“I thought we said we wouldn’t share!” Gwen gasps. 

“I felt bad!” You whine. 

“Thank you y/nnie,” Jisung says, patting you on the back. “At least one of you cares about me to get me snacks.” 

“Shut up Dofus,” Gwen rolls her eyes as she gets into the car and closes the door behind her. 

“She does care,” you hum at Jisung, making him laugh.

“I know,” he smiles. “It’s just fun pissing her off.” 

Rolling your eyes, you open the passenger side door. “You two are unbelievable.” 

→→

Resting your head in your palm, your eyes linger on the boy who was sitting at another table across from you in the dining hall. Your heart swirls when he makes eye contact and smiles before looking away.  

“Why haven’t you asked him out yet?” Jisung asks, moving to the seat in front of you, blocking the boy from view. 

Your eyebrows furrow, and tilting your head, you send a look of confusion in Jisung’s direction. “Who?” 

His face is blank like he just mentally face-palmed ten times over. He knew that you knew who he was on about, but he still gave in to your little charade. Resting his arms on the table, he leans forward and attempts to whisper, “Seungmin.” 

“Do you have to say it so loud?!” You hiss, pushing him away from you. 

He shrugs, picking up some of the leftover food that was on your tray. “Eh, I tried.” 

“You’re a pain in the ass,” you respond. 

“Who’s a pain in the ass?” Gwen asks, falling into the seat next to you with her tray of food. 

“Jisung–” 

“Say no more,” Gwen simply responds. 

When Jisung leans over to bug Gwen, you look back over to Seungmin and you smile at the way he looks over at you and slyly motions with his hand for you to leave the dining room. 

Looking back over to Jisung and Gwen, you clear your throat. “I forgot I had to do something before our next class, so I’ll just meet you there.” You said, getting up from out of your seat. 

Both of your best friends raise their eyebrows at you in suspicion. 

“Going where?” Gwen asks. 

“Just to the library, I’ll meet you at class,” and before they get another word out, you through your backpack over your shoulder and quickly make your way out of the dining hall and down the hallway. 

It wasn’t until you were a good distance away, that a hand-pulled you into an empty storage closet. 

Giggling, you lean up against the door and up at the culprit. 

“Hey,” 

“Hi, Min,” you smile, as his fingers entwine with your own. 

Seungmin stands above you, a smile playing on his lips. He squeezes your hand and takes the smallest step closer to you, “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too,” you hum.  “My friends are starting to get suspicious about me randomly disappearing, I can't tell if they're picking up on what we're doing.”

Chuckling, he raises an eyebrow at your statement and leans in to place a kiss on your cheek. “Really?”

You nod, leaning into his touch.

Seungmin holds the kiss for a second before pulling back. “That’s…” he pursed his lips together. “That’s… wow.”

“Yeah.” You hesitated before you continued.

it had been six months, five hours and forty-three minutes since the first time Seungmin had kissed you. Not that you would ever let him know that you knew it down to the minute, but ever since, Seungmin would pull you into random storage closets or empty classrooms whenever he wanted attention. If you were all around your friends, he'd try his best to find signals to get you to sneak away with him without anyone knowing.

Sure, it was fun, but at the same time, it was hard trying to hide it from everyone you cared about most. Especially when those said friends knew of your feelings for the boy. You just couldn't get a grasp on how he felt in return. It confused you and made you wonder about how he truly felt about you.

"What would I say if they figured it out?" You asked. "How would I explain it? Us? Are we even…?"

You didn't finish your sentence and even in the dark closet, you catch Seungmin’s eyes widen in panic. He made eye contact with you for a second, but let his eyes fall to the floor just as quickly. “Um…”

Your heart drops to your stomach.

Seungmin notices a dejected glint in your eye as you push your lips together and sigh. “Listen, Y/N…”

You didn’t need to hear more; that was enough of an answer. But you were too frozen to do anything else.

"We're having fun," Seungmin tries to explain, however, it was going in one ear and out the other. "Why need to explain what's going on?" 

Blinking, you nod. You couldn't say anything, it was like your mind had gone into emergency shutdown mode and you couldn't bring yourself to say a word– you couldn't. And it was like you could feel little cracks in your heart forming and everything Seungmin continued to say was like an ice pick chipping away at the already-formed lines. 

"Why do they need to know our business?" This was the final blow to the ice pick he has to your heart. "Y/N..." 

"It's fine." Clearing your throat, you nod and finally gain the courage to look him in the eye. There was a look in his eyes that you couldn't begin to describe, "I get it Seungmin." 

Your eyes feel glassy and you blink so quickly to try and stop them from spilling over onto your cheeks. Your hand goes limp in his. He doesn't say anything, just watches you-- examines you and you finally look away. 

"I need to get to class," 

You step away from him. His hand tightens around yours, but you pull it away.

"Y/N." 

"I get it Seungmin, I need to go." 

You quickly leave the storage closet and thankfully the hallway is empty. Hiccupping, the tears finally fall from your eyes and you wipe them away just as quickly. 

The door opens again and his footsteps fill your ears. They stop for a moment and part of you wishes that he'd come over, apologise and tell you that he'd shout about you and each other from the rooftops. However, that doesn't happen and the footsteps start up again but then get quieter and quieter before they disappear completely and the sobs you've been desperately holding in escape your lips.

→→

The sun was starting to dip below the horizon and the sky was a mix of pinks and purples. At some point during the final hours of the journey, Jisung had fallen asleep in the back seat and Gwen had turned down whatever music she had on to not disturb him. You on the other hand still had your head lead up against the window, watching the world go by. 

Originally, Gwen had curated a perfect road trip playlist that captured in her words, ‘the vibes needed for one such road trip’. However, after about four and a half hours into the drive, Gwen throws her phone at you for you to change the music into something more lively. 

Gwen turns the music down more, so it’s almost inaudible. 

“Did Mina tell you?” She questions.

Looking over at the blonde, you respond. “Tell me what?”

“She-” Gwen clears her throat. “She wants to hold a reunion dinner tomorrow night for the seven of us.” 

You blink in shock a couple of times before sinking into your seat. “Nope. She did not.”

You gaze out the window again, attempting to distract yourself with the way the scenery changed from open fields to more dense town life.

Gwen glances at you and sighs. “Y/N…”

“Don’t.” You sigh. God, this is going to suck. 

“It’ll be okay.”

“Will it?” Your mind is swarming with all the possible ways the dinner could go wrong. All of them involved your sort-of-an-ex.

“Plus, you have a whole day to prepare!”

She said it so optimistically. Your brain had already gotten accustomed to the fact that you would see him in three days. Now that time has been shortened to about 24 hours. Not even three years of forgetting he exists could prepare you for that.

You wish you could’ve just wiped him out from your memory. Maybe if you never remembered what happened, things would be different. Maybe it would be like a fresh start.

The hotel was a fairly fancy one, with large pillars around the entrance. You almost expected it to have a doorman to open and close doors as guests come and go. 

The winter air quickly nips at your nose as soon as you get out of the car and all three of you rush to the trunk to get your things out so you can head inside. 

In the next second, you’re all inside the festive-looking reception. There’s a large green tree decorated in the corner with fake gifts positioned under it.

The reception desk itself is also decorated to the nines, with lights hung up underneath the counter side and fake snow lining the floor. It also has its own little tree with a bowl of candies next to it for guests to take as they pleased.  

As you enter you can hear faint jazz coming through the glass doors leading into what you assumed was a bar. The whole atmosphere was so relaxed that it put you at ease. So relaxed in fact, it let all thoughts slip from your mind as Gwen checks the both of you in. 

The whole time, Jisung is clinging onto Gwen like a tired baby. Gwen tried to brush him off at first but quickly gave up once she saw he wasn’t going to move. Even after she’s done with your room and Jisung has to check into his own, he’s not moved a budge. 

It's only when you guys have to take your stuff and walk to the elevators does he let her escape his grasp. 

Waiting for the elevator feels antagonistically long considering you’re tired and have been stuck in the car for six-plus hours. Never had you been so excited to get into a room, fall onto the bed and let sleep guide you into dreamland. You couldn’t think about anything else about how good being in bed and sleeping the night away would feel. 

Life seemed to have other plans for you though as the doors to the elevator opened and your body went into full alert. 

Life hated you, it was official. This is why you weren’t allowed nice things. 

The doors opened to show an equally as tired Seungmin with his older brother Minho. 

There goes having even a day to prepare, you thought to yourself. 

When his eyes seem to land and focus on you, it takes a second for him to react. However, Minho is faster at reacting than he is. 

“What’s up guys!” the older boy smiles. “Long time no see!” 

“You’re telling me,” Jisung laughs, pulling Minho into a hug. “I’ve missed your face.” 

Pulling away slightly, Minho smirks at Jisung, “and I’ve missed yours.” 

“You always know how to make someone blush!” Jisung chuckles, taken to the older boy's smooth words. 

Whilst this is all going on, Seungmin’s eyes are trained on you and you begin to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. You can’t tell which is worse, him speaking to you or him not saying anything at all. Part of you didn’t even want to stay to hear what he had to say– if he had anything to. 

You’d think after three years, maybe even a hi would be acceptable. 

You were being a hypocrite though, you knew you were. Wanting him to say hi to you when you didn’t even want him to face you in the first place. It didn’t make sense.

“Or maybe you just like the attention,” Gwen mutters, before grabbing onto your hand and pulling you into the elevator. “Sorry Minho, we need to go up to our room now, long trip, you know what it’s like.” 

Minho hums and smiles, “Sure go ahead! We’ll see you guys tomorrow at the dinner right?” 

You nod silently as Gwen hums in confirmation. 

“We’ll see you there,” she smiles quickly. 

Looking at Minho you smile too. “See you there.” 

“Hey! Wait for–” Jisung begins, but it gets cut off by the closing of the doors. 

When the elevator starts moving, Gwen groans. 

“Stupid Jisung, stupid Minho, stupid Seungmin.” she continues to repeat out loud. 

Looking at her with a confused look, you blink. “You okay?” 

She jumps, turning to you like she had forgotten you were even there for a moment. 

“Huh?” she asks. 

Repeating your question, she nods. 

“I’m fine, just, I didn’t expect us to run into them tonight I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise they would be staying here.” 

Shrugging your shoulders, you let your eyes gaze back over to the elevator doors. “It’s fine, not like you would have known, plus maybe it was better this way– seeing him this way I mean.” 

“What do you mean?” Gwen questions.

“Now I can’t stress over the first time seeing him can I? Cause it’s already happened.” 

“I guess,” Gwen responds, giving herself a moment to think about it. 

“Plus I’m too tired right now, I don’t want to think anymore.” you let out a yawn and cover your mouth. Leaning into Gwen’s side, like Jisung had done not fifteen minutes earlier, you speak. “Let’s just go to our room and forget boys exist and just sleep the night away.” 

Gwen laughs and you can feel her nodding her head. “That I would drink to.” 

Soon enough, you were both in your room. With two large double beds, it was all that you needed for the extended weekend away. Claiming your bed,-the one closest to the window– you let your bags fall at the end of it before dramatically flinging yourself onto it. 

Here’s to sleep, you thought. And forgetting boys exist. 

→→

You immediately hated your dress the minute you put it on. The baby pink fabric hugged your body in the worst ways possible, and the more you stared at yourself in the mirror, the more exposed you felt. You tug at the end of it to try and pull it down more, failing to find some relief. It felt suffocating and you weren’t even sure why you packed it in the first place. 

“Can you stop worrying for one second,” Gwen says as she leans forward to apply her lipstick in the mirror. “You look hot. Let Seungmin know what he’s missing.” 

“Gwen!” you gasp. 

Snorting a laugh, she puts the lid back on her lipstick and turns to you. “What? It’s been– three years? I don’t think it’s bad to make him regret everything he did to you in senior year.” 

“It would be better if I didn’t see him at all,” you mumble whilst fidgeting with your dress again. 

“Babe, remember what I said?” Gwen asks, causing you to take a deep breath before releasing it. 

“Don’t let him get in the way this time. It’s about the wedding, Mina and Chan, not him.” 

Gwen happily hums and takes a few steps over towards you before she lightly places a hand on one cheek and kisses the other. “You got it!” 

Blinking at her, your mouth drops and you shake your head. “Ever since you confessed to liking Jisung, you’ve been weird.” 

Her sweet smile drops and slaps you on your arm. 

“I didn’t confess! I told you, you heard nothing!” 

You giggle and wipe away whatever lipstick remains on your cheek in the mirror as Gwen slips on her shoes. 

Soon after, there was a continuous knock at the door and Jisung’s loud voice echoed through it. “Come on, let’s go ladies!” 

Raising an eyebrow at Gwen, she shoots you a glare. 

“You heard nothing,” she whispers. “I don’t like that idiot.” 

“Denial,” you whisper-sing back. 

“Hurry up! They’re waiting for us!” Jisung’s voice continues to carry through the door. “Hello? Are–” 

Opening the door, Gwen speaks. “Shut up idiot, try not to disturb the whole hotel, yeah?” 

Jisung takes a moment to look Gwen up and down and clears his throat before straightening his back up. “You look good.” 

“Thanks,” Gwen nods. “You too.” 

Jisung pulls at the collar of his white dress shirt and it’s easy to notice his cheeks tint pink. “Thank you.” 

Rolling your eyes, you pick up your back and put it over your shoulder. Pushing on Gwen slightly to get her out of the door, you close it behind you. “Come on, let's go, lovebirds.” 

“Y/N!” 

When you got to the restaurant that Mina and Chan had planned for the reunion dinner, everyone apart from you, Gwen and Jisung had already arrived and sat down. You counted your lucky stars that Seungmin was already sitting in between his older brother, Minho, and Chan. 

As soon as Mina lays her eyes on the three of you, she shoots up from out of her seat and over to you. 

“Look at you guys!” She laughs, pulling each of you into your own hug. “I’ve missed you so much!” 

“We’ve missed you too!” You and Gwen say in unison. 

“What they said,” Jisung laughs and ducks away when Mina tries to hit him playfully. “I’ve missed you too Mina.” 

Going behind the three of you, she lightly pushes you in the direction of the table. “Come, come sit.” 

Mina takes her seat once again beside Chan and you take the one next to her, leaving Gwen and Jisung to sit next to each other and Minho. 

Pleasantries were passed around and you kept your eyes far away from Seungmin as possible. However, that was difficult when you could feel his eyes boring into you. It was only when Jisung engaged in a conversation with him that the sensation went away and you finally gave yourself the chance to look at him properly. 

You could see how much he had changed in the past three years since you last saw him. The baby fat has now gone from his cheeks and his hair was a lighter shade of brown than anything he had in high school. But his eyes still glinted when he smiled and you looked away as soon as he moved his head towards you. 

You couldn’t explain the way how in three years everything about him stayed the same, but changed completely at the same time. 

Tucking some hair behind your ear, you try to get your attention back on what Mina was talking about. 

“You good?” Mina asks, making you nod frantically. 

“I’m good, gooder than good.” you smile. 

Mina looks at you blankly. 

“You’re a terrible liar,” she smiles. “but, I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Me too,” you return her smile. 

“And,” Mina leans in slightly and rests her chin on one hand. “We’re going to the hotel bar after this so you won’t have to think for a while.” 

Rolling your eyes, you continue to laugh. “Mina!” 

“What?” She asks through her own laugh. “And who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone at the wedding, there are plenty of attractive people attending.” She finishes her sentence with a wink. 

Suddenly, Chan leans in next to Mina as well with his own cheeky smile and a raised eyebrow. “Who’s this about attractive people attending the wedding?” 

Mina rolls her eyes and pats his cheek after she’s turned to look at him. 

“For Y/N silly,” 

“Ahh, of course!” Chan laughs. “I can even introduce you to some of my friends.” 

Feeling your cheeks begin to heat up, you raise a hand and shake your head. “No no no, it’s okay, you don’t need to!” 

“Well, I can still introduce you!” Chan smiles. “More friends are more friends.” 

Mina jokingly shrugs. “And that’s the only thing we don’t agree on, having a bunch of friends.” 

“And I love you for being your people-hating self.” Chan muses. 

“People are just ugh,” Mina begins to rant. “I like being able to count the people I love on two hands, thank you very much.” 

Whilst Mina is continuing her speech on her hate of people, Chan is just sitting there, his eyes in the shape of hearts as he watches her. It made your heart swell with love and admiration. Mina and Chan were everything good in a relationship, they were so hopelessly in love that it honestly made you kind of jealous. 

It was a love you wanted– you wished for.  

Your eyes went around the table again and once again your gaze lingers on Seungmin. Even after three years, you can’t help but look his way.

 There was the smoothest Jazz playing in the hotel bar. The boys, albeit mostly Jisung and Minho, were ordering drink after drink, shot after shot for everyone to enjoy. You were starting to feel the effects of the shots and you let out a happy sigh as you looked around at everyone. 

Your eyes linger on Seungmin’s back as he leans up against the bar and talks to the rest of the boys. Gwen and Mina’s laughter fills your ears from next to you. 

“I’m going to step outside for a bit,” you quickly say to the girls and they nod in response just as quickly whilst muttering a ‘be safe’. 

Getting up from your seat, you sway and stumble your way into the hotel lobby and out into the main entrance. 

The cold hits you instantly and a shiver moves up your spine. You wished you brought a jacket out with you, however, there was also something comforting about it. Resting the back of your head against the cold brick, you take a deep breath and exhale it slowly. 

It was like a moment of peace in the middle of a stressful day. 

“Y/N…” 

And then that moment was gone. 

Opening your eyes, you kept your eyes straight ahead. 

“Seungmin.” 

“You look good,” he starts and he takes a step into your line of sight. “And, I’ve missed you.” 

“Well I wonder who’s to blame for that,” you finally look him in the eye. 

He takes a step forward and frowns, “Y/N, please.” 

“What do you want, Seungmin?”

“To see you.” 

“Don’t say that.” 

He steps forward again, “I wish we could go back, back to then.” 

He brings up a hand and gently moves some of your hair from out of your face as he gazes into your eyes. 

Without fail, he once again had a grip on your heart. You could curse him mentally over and over again, but still, nothing would change.

“You were the one that left,” you whisper. 

“And it was so dumb of me,” he responds and repeats. "I've missed you so much." 

His hand stays resting on your cheek and you’re not long how long you’re both standing there. Staring at each other, gazing into each other’s eyes. 

His eyes flicker to your lips and back up to your eyes. “Why can’t we just go back? For tonight?” 

“We shouldn’t,” you whisper. 

“Why not?” 

Frowning, you look down at his lips as well and back up. “Because it’s not that easy, you left Seungmin. Remember? You didn’t want to date officially.” 

“And I was a fool and I regretted it every day after I left.” 

“Even if you did, you could have come back.” 

“You know that wouldn’t have been that easy either.” 

“You didn’t try,” you said, tilting your head up. His thumb gently glides along your cheek. 

“I’m here now,” his nose brushes against yours. 

All your senses were yelling– screaming at you to stop, back away. Your heart was pounding, but your mind was completely numb. Every single movement, every touch he made sent you into overdrive. 

You couldn’t tell what you’d regret more, giving in or not giving in at all. 

“For tonight?” You ask. 

He nods slowly, leaning in. “For the weekend?” 

“Don’t push your luck,” you add, closing your eyes. 

Chuckling, you feel his breath against your lips. 

“For tonight.” he reaffirms before connecting your lips together. 

The hand he has on your cheek slowly moves down to your neck as the other rests on your hip to try and bring you even closer together. Your own hands go up and you wrap your arms around his neck, your fingers playing with his hair.

You tried to catch your breath when your lips separate and when you open your eyes, he’s already looking at you. It’s not even a second later that you’re using your arms to bring him closer to once again reconnect your lips. 

Using his thumb to angle your chin, he deepens the kiss. The longer it went on, the more and more your soul was set alight. Every sensation was heightened.

You gasp when his lips leave yours and move frantically to your chin and then down your neck. 

“I’m sharing a room with Gwen,” you question in gasps as he settles on one part on the bottom of your neck. “We can’t go there.”

Without saying a word, he uses one hand to fish out his hotel room key and holds it up between two fingers for you to see. 

“Are you the only one in there?” you continue to question. He reluctantly draws his attention away from your neck and goes back up to your chin before kissing your lips once more.

“Yes,” kiss. “I,” kiss. “Am,” another kiss.

“So,” he kisses you again before you can continue and you have to push him away so you can even think. “Just for tonight.” 

Smiling, he takes your hand before pulling you quickly to make your way to his room. Your giggles fill his ears and your mind repeats: Just for tonight.

→→

You groan quietly, rubbing your eyes with your palms as you sit up slightly, resting your weight on your elbows. Your head hurt and your throat was unbelievably dry– you reminded yourself to never drink again, but you knew you would. 

Blinking, your sight soon began clear as you and the memories of the night returned like looking into a kaleidoscope. Sitting up quickly, you curse to yourself when Seungmin groans from next to you and rolls over, thankfully, however, he stays asleep. 

Quietly getting up, you slip on your underwear, fail to find your bra and attempt to put your dress from the night before back on. Once you’ve picked up your shoes and your bag, you turn back to see Seungmin. He’s lying on his front and spread out across his bed. 

He looks so peaceful and part of you wants to take back everything you said and jump right back into the bed and into his arms. To stay in this little bubble, where nothing ever went wrong and to pretend like you were still teenagers foolish and in love. 

It’s foolish and risky, but you take a few steps over towards his bed, lean over and lightly place a kiss on his forehead, your lips linger for a moment before you pull away and whisper. “Thank you for the night.” 

As soon as you’re out of his room, it’s like you can breathe again. 

You take your time walking back to your own room. Instead of taking the lift, you take the stairs just to give yourself more time to think. Your feet carry you up the cold metal stairs to the soft carpet of the hallways. Soon enough, you came to your own room and you find your key in the depth of your bag and unlock the door before swinging it open, taking a step inside and letting it close behind you. 

“About time you showed up,” Gwen’s voice makes you jump out of your skin. 

You let your shoes and your bag slip from your fingers and you say nothing as you walk over to your bed and fall face-first into it. 

The whole time, Gwen is watching you with a frown. “What happened?” 

It was a minute later that you pushed yourself to roll over and look up at the ceiling. “I slept with Seungmin.” 

“I assumed that considering you and him randomly disappeared halfway through the night., I just mean how? Why? I thought you didn’t want to see him at all.” 

“I didn’t think you’d be one for the intimate details,” you giggle as she fakes a gag. 

“Oh god no,” she shakes her head. “I don’t want to know anything about Kim Seungmin’s sex game, I want to know how you go from never wanting to lay your eyes on him to getting under him.” 

Your giggles fill the room, but they’re soon stopped by Gwen chucking a pillow at you, hitting you with a thump. “OW! What the heck Gwen?!” 

“You were having dirty thoughts and I don’t want to know!” 

Sitting up, you throw the pillow back to her. “You don’t know that.” 

“Yes, I do.” Gwen catches the pillow. “You had the giggle and you know for a fact that it wasn’t an innocent one.” 

You giggle again, “Cause I didn’t just go under him.” 

Thwack. 

“I SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW!” 

Rubbing to soothe where the pillow hit you, you quickly apologise whilst still giggling. 

“I’m having trouble getting a reading on you,” Gwen states. “You came in super sad and out of it, but now you’re giggling like a madman.” 

Groaning, you fall back onto the bed and look over at your blonde best friend. 

“I just–” you pause. “Well–” another pause. 

“Well?” 

“Just for tonight,” you repeat your words from last night. 

Gwen blinks, opens her mouth and closes it again. “Excuse me?” 

“Just for tonight, it’s what we said last night.” You move your gaze to the ceiling. “Just for tonight.” 

“And what does that mean?” 

“Just like it suggests, we had one night, like nothing ever happened– as if nothing changed for a single night.” 

You hear Gwen move the blankets that covered her and soon the bed dips next to you. “Babe…” 

“I know,” you fake a laugh. “I’m so stupid.” 

Gwen slowly moves the hair out of your face. When you look at her, you can see her frown. “You’re not stupid.” 

“It’s just, I knew, I knew I shouldn’t have given in, I knew I shouldn’t have let him kiss me or let it go further than it did, but I just…” Your sentence comes to a stop as you try and think of how to continue it. 

This was your mind every time you thought of Seungmin. Stuck in the middle of a forest, with no map, no compass and no way out. Lost and confused, yet every time he looked at you, spoke to you, uttered the words you so desperately wanted to hear, gave you baseless hope that he always seemed to give you. The hope that everything would work out, that he’d confess his love and scream it to the world.

But it didn’t happen then and you knew it wouldn’t happen now. 

“You’re not dumb or stupid,” Gwen sighs, putting her hands on either side of your face and forcing you to look at her. “Your feelings aren’t stupid, sure it’s frustrating but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for giving into those feelings.” 

“Why can’t I just move on?” you question. 

“Because feelings are fickle things and it’s just not as easy as we want them to be.” Gwen frowns. “Look, everything that’s happened with you and Seungmin, they’re– they were painful for you, and sure, it’s scared you and affected you.” 

“He just has this control over me and it’s like I can’t say no to him.” 

Smiling a sad smile, Gwen laughs slightly. “It’s love, babe.” 

“I hate it,” you laugh, but it lacks the happiness laughter normally has. 

“No you don’t,” Gwen responds. “And you don’t hate him either, no matter how much you want to.” 

Sitting up, Gwen’s hands fall from your face and you lean into her and she instantly wraps her arms around you in a protective hug. Letting out a sigh, you affirm her words. “I really don’t and I don’t think I ever could.” 

Actually giggling, you feel Gwen place a kiss on your hairline. “Oh my foolish best friend, what am I going to do with you?”

→→

Seungmin’s couch was one of the most comfortable couches you had ever had the chance to sit on. It was a dark wine red fabric corner sofa, just warn in enough that it was comfortable. 

Even though no one in their friend group knew of Seungmin and your’s ‘situationship’, the friend groups still found their way to merging– this mostly being because Jisung was a social butterfly that couldn’t keep his mouth shut, but nonetheless. Now the group was bigger, it gave you all more of an excuse to meet up and see each other. 

Which would be great if you weren’t currently upset and annoyed at Seungmin. What made it worse was that you couldn’t even tell Gwen, your best friend. Sure, you could have properly told her anyway, but you didn’t want to go behind Seungmin’s back like that, especially when he had already made it well-known how he felt about the whole situation. 

the time in the storage closet flashing in your mind constantly like a constant pain still reminding you that it's still there. 

Every time you picture his blank stare and inability to say the words you wanted to hear made your heart crack even more. However, you didn't want to let him go, sure if Gwen knew she'd probably scream about you and your worth, but that didn't matter. 

Not when your crush of the past year was actually giving you the attention you desired-- even if it was in secret. You could only do so much to show him how upset you really were. By sitting on his couch during these group hangouts, giving him little to no attention. 

Was it petty? Maybe so. But it's not like you could yell and scream at him how you felt in front of everyone, not that you'd be able to do that anyway. Not when he'd give you one look and you'd break.

You were sat wedged between Gwen and Jeongin, one of Seungmin’s friends, as you barely focused on some overplayed tv show on the tv. Gwen, dramatically lead on your shoulder with a bowl of popcorn in front of her would sometimes grab a handle full before bringing it up to your mouth so you can take some. Jeongin, laying on your other shoulder, whined randomly and complained every time the show would say a bad joke. 

The whole time, Seungmin is sitting alone on the loveseat, arms crossed and a scowl present on his face. This was maybe the third group hangout in a row where you had given the boy little to no attention, yet gave his friends (as well as yours) a never-ending abundance of it. 

Don’t get him wrong, he wasn’t jealous. Not at all, not when he’s been the one to see the way your cheeks turn pink when he flirts with you. Or how smiley you get after he kisses you. But no, he wasn’t jealous that his friends were getting more attention than he was, that you were looking at them more than at him.

Kim Seungmin doesn’t get jealous. 

One would be foolish to think otherwise. 

It’s not until Mina disturbs his quiet jea– brooding time that his scowl turns into an annoyed eye roll. 

“Can you help me with something in the kitchen please.” Mina states, rather than asks with a fake smile plastered on her lips. Before Seungmin can even get a word out to complain, she holds her palm up. “Don’t even try, help, now.” 

It was times like this that made Seungmin wonder why people loved having siblings. Especially when his older brother and sister always took the chance to remind him that they were older. 

Groaning, he gets up and follows Mina to their somewhat large family kitchen. 

“What do you need help with?” Seungmin asks. 

Mina doesn’t respond as she turns to him with her arms crossed. “Why are you pouting in the corner like a kicked puppy?” 

The younger boy blinks and blinks again, “Huh?! No, I’m not!” He argues. “Did you want help or not?” 

“Of course not!” Mina hissed. “Would you rather me ask in front of your dear friends?” 

The colour drains from his face as he quickly shakes his head. 

“Look, I know you may think of me as an annoying pain in the ass older sister, but I still notice things alright?” Mina says. “And I can notice when my foolish younger brother has a new love interest, no matter how hard he tries to keep it and her from everyone around them.” 

“I don’t know–” Seungmin stops midsentence when Mina glares at him. 

“Don’t try and pull that shit with me Seung, I know you better than you think I do.” 

Rolling his eyes, he shifts his weight onto one foot. 

He hates the feeling of Mina’s eyes boring into him like she was able to peel back every layer of him. 

Again, he didn’t see the fuss of having older siblings.

“We’re–” Seungmin pauses with a groan. He hated this and he especially hated how it was Mina grilling him out. “We’re nothing.” 

“Now, how dumb do you think I am?” Mina asks, but just like before she speaks again before he gets the chance. “No, seriously, how dumb do you think I am to think I would just take that?” 

“It’s complicated,” Seungmin responds.

“Complicated because it is complicated or complicated because you’re making it complicated?” 

When he doesn’t respond, Mina shakes her head and tsks. 

“Do you want to date her?” Mina asks.

Seungmin halts for a moment before he shakes his head.

Mina sighs, “Let me guess, you wouldn’t want her to date someone else?” 

Seungmin scowls once again, this time at the subject of her question. Had he thought about it much? The idea of you dating someone else? Of either of you dating someone else? 

Not really, but would he admit that? Of course not.

“She– She can do whatever she wants.” Seungmin almost hisses. “I don’t care, like I said, we’re not dating.” 

“How do you think she feels about this whole situationship? Are you guys on the same page?” Mina asks. 

“The pages might be a bit smudged.,” Seungmin attempts to whisper, but all this manages to do is make Mina laugh at her poor younger brother.

“And that’s why you’re pouting in the corner like a kicked puppy,” She comments. “You’re trying to play this cool tsundere type that doesn’t care when all she wants is to be able to be open about how she feels for the person she likes.” Mina scoffs. “But let me tell you this little bro, it’s not cool and you’re going to lose her with this attitude. Not when she finally realises she can find someone who won’t be scared to show her off like she deserves.” 

“Whatever,” Seungmin hisses, unable to find the words to actually say anything in defence. 

“What happens when you move away for college at the end of the year? Are you just going to keep her quietly hoping for something open? Or are you going to let her go?” 

Seungmin’s silent once again and at this point, he’s letting Mina’s words go in one ear and out the other. He’s had enough of her ‘older sister, I apparently know better’ lectures. And anyway, college wasn’t for another month or two at least, the way he thought about it was you didn’t even need to know. You’d break off whatever thing you had and you’d move on with how qualms. No issues. 

“You haven’t even told her have you?” Mina asks at her brother’s silence. 

He shakes his head, “I didn’t think there was a reason to.” 

“Just so you know, the only reason I’m not beating you up right now is because you’re my brother.” Mina hisses. 

Gasping, Seungmin glares at the slightly shorter girl. “Well thanks, sis, I love you too.” 

“Don’t try and pull an attitude with me Seung, it’s not going to work because you know you’re being an ass right now.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Mina continues. “Whether or not you agree on what you want, you need to tell her about you leaving town for college. It’s the only decent thing to do, you can’t just up and leave her in the dark.” 

Seungmin just hums. 

“Seungmin,” Mina threatens.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Whatever, I’ll think about it.” 

It was only after a minute or two that Seungmin spoke once again. "Are you done lecturing me now?" 

"I don't know," Mina responds. "You done being an idiot?" 

Rolling his eyes, Seungmin makes his way back into the living room to see the three of you still sitting in the same position on the sofa. Gwen and Jeongin on either side of you, their heads on your shoulders. 

Falling back into the loveseat, the scowl returns. Mina's words echoing in his head. 

It's not like he had to tell you, it would be fine.

→→

The rehearsal dinner is in a large dining room area just off the side of the actual wedding venue. The staff had already begun setting up the room for the next day and so the were already splashes of the wedding colours as ribbons on the back of the chairs. The large dining table that was placed in the centre of the room was covered in what seemed to be a lace-like tablecloth. 

The table itself was beautiful, with two large candles placed just off the centre and little name placeholders written in the same font that had been on the original wedding invitations. Of course, Mina and Chan sat in the centre, with two large thrones that reflected silver. There were two people sat either side of these thrones with the rest of the seats being on the opposite side of the table. 

Taking your seat, on one side you had Jisung, which you were thankful for. On the other, you had one of Chan's friends from his home back in Australia, who introduced himself as Felix. He seemed lovely, which made sense considering he was good friends with Chan. Across from you, were Chan's brother and sister whereas Seungmin and Minho were sat on Mina's left-hand side. Once settled, you released a breath you didn't know you were holding when Chan's siblings did in fact sit in the seats across from you.

You sent Felix a smile after you had both sat down and said hello to each other. 

"So," Felix smiles. "You must be friends with Mina right?" 

You nod. The way Felix was smiling made you copy it in return, it was hard to not smile when you saw it. "Yeah, I am." 

He makes a face of realisation then he nods slowly. "Of course, I feel like I would have remembered someone as beautiful as you if Chan had introduced us before." 

Gasping slightly at his bold comment. You giggle, tucking some hair behind your ear. "Thank you," 

Hearing his laughter made you want to hear it more. It was magical. It made you wonder where Chan had found the boy. He seemed too good to be true. 

As you and Felix chat, you begin to feel someone glaring daggers at you. Trying to ignore it, you remain focused on what Felix is saying. 

He looks over your shoulder for a moment before gazing back into your eyes. "Just so you know, that guy over there is staring at you pretty viciously," Felix explains. 

You sigh and look over your shoulder quickly to confirm it was indeed who you thought it was. 

Seungmin. 

He's sat there, leant back in his seat at a slight angle as he's staring at the back of your head. You could tell every part of him was tense, angry. Looking back at Felix, you smile awkwardly. 

"That's," you pause. "That's complicated." 

Felix laughs, again his smile makes you smile too. "Don't worry, I get it, Ex?" He asks. 

You inhale sharply. "Eh, something like that."

“Ah, yes,” Felix nods. “One of those things.”

Your eyes fall to your lap as you nod in agreement. It had always been difficult to label whatever you and Seungmin had, not that he helped with that all that much. Maybe that thing was enough of a descriptor. But deep down, you always wished it was more than that. 

However, all of your attention gets drawn away when the sounds of Chan tapping a fork on his champagne glass. No more thinking about that thing, Y/N. At least for now. This dinner was about Chan and Mina’s thing. A thing that was definitely so much more than whatever thing you and Seungmin have– had. Something real, something you wished for on every shooting star.

"Hi everyone," he smiles awkwardly, clearing his throat. "Thank you all for being here at our rehearsal dinner before the big day tomorrow." He looks around at Mina, who's staring up at him lovingly and takes her hand in his before he looks around at everyone again. "We're really happy you could join us in making this an event to remember for the rest of our lives." He turns to Mina again, his ears already turning pink. "And Mina, I promise I'm not going to tell you my speech early, but I am so thankful and blessed to be able to love you and be loved by you. You really make me the happiest man on earth." 

Mina pouts, standing up. She uses her free hand to playfully hit Chan on the arm. "Why are you trying to make me cry in front of everybody?!" She laughs and so does everyone else. "I love you too, so much." 

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Jisung cries, breaking the sweet moment with a raised champagne glass of his own. He quickly lowers it when both you and Gwen hit either arm. "Sorry!" 

"Don't mind if I do," Mina laughs before quickly stealing a kiss from her soon-to-be husband. Chan's blush has officially moved from his ears to his cheeks at this point. His face is bright red, but no one says a word.

"Seungmin next!" Jisung laughs, staring directly into Seungmin's eyes. 

Gasping next to him, Gwen hits his arm as she hisses his name. "Jisung!" You, however, lean back slightly to look behind Jisung at Gwen. With your own glare on your face, you mouth, What did you tell him? and in return, she smiles sheepishly. 

Everyone at the table is silent, their eyes either on Seungmin or flickering between the two boys. Seungmin raises an eyebrow, leans forward to rest his weight on one elbow and smirks. "I will if you kiss her." 

Seungmin doesn't say a name, but everyone—let's be real, everyone but Gwen—knows who he's on about. Speechless, Jisung’s mouth drops and he quickly looks down at the empty placement plate. "I didn't say anything." 

Seungmin leans back in his chair before making eye contact with you. It's like all your brain cells leave you in that moment and you have to look away to try and regain a conscious thought. 

Still standing, Mina sends a glare to both Seungmin and Jisung, which they shrink at before her lips quickly form into a smile. 

“They’ll be bringing out the starter and then the first course very soon, so please talk whilst we wait.” She ends with a smile and sits, but not before quickly slapping Seungmin’s arm making him pout at his older sister. 

You weren't able to hear what she whispered to him next, but by the look on his face, he didn't look too pleased. He turns from her, crosses his arms over his chest and looks anywhere but her direction. Catching her eye, she smiles, and you smile back.

Excusing yourself from your seat, you quickly move and crouch down in between Gwen and Jisung’s. Trying to muster up the most venomous yet loving glare you could, you smile at her. “Can I just talk to you for a minute?” 

Gwen laughs awkwardly. Jisung, however, keeps his head down as he plays with his fingers like Seungmin's words are still ringing around in his head. 

She pulls her seat out and you stand as she does. “Sure.” 

Grabbing onto her wrist, you guide her out of the room, just far enough where you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone hearing you both. Stopping, her wrist falls from your grasp and you turn to her. “What did you tell him?!” 

“Nothing!” Gwen throws her arms up and crosses them in front of her a second later. “…I mean, not nothing, but not everything!”

“You know how big of a mouth that boy has!” You hiss, “We can’t tell him shit unless we want him to spill it.” 

“I know!” Gwen huffs. “I just said you guys slept together, that’s it, nothing more.” 

"Gwen!" 

"I'm sorry," Gwen repeats. "I don't know what happened, he looked at me and I just had to tell him." 

"I stand by what I said before," you laugh. "You guys are unbelievable." 

Gwen blinks and opens her mouth to speak before closing it again. Once she finds the words, she says, "When did you say that?" 

You catch onto the servers starting to pass you with food on trays. "It doesn't matter," you mumble. "We should go back in before Mina starts wondering where we are." Gwen hums and nods her head, but before you can start to walk away, she grabs your wrist and pulls you into a hug.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't think he'd say that in front of everyone." you hear her mumble as you wrap your arms around her. Giggling, you hug her as tightly as you can for a second making her complain. 

"It's fine," you smile. "Just next time give me a heads up you've told your boyfriend about my non-existent love life yeah?" 

"He's not my–" she starts, but soon gives up. "Yeah sure, I'm sorry," she repeats. 

Pulling away, you raise an eyebrow at her. "You didn't deny it?" 

"Everyone says it anyway," Gwen shrugs. "He's confusing, I don't know and don't try and distract me. I wouldn't say your love life was very non-existent at the moment." 

"Let's just agree to say we both have complicated situations right now?" you suggest causing the blonde to crack a laugh. 

"Sure," 

Walking back into the dining hall, you see how the servers have in fact started bringing out and placing the starters for people to pick at on a separate table. Not looking where you’re going, you startle yourself by almost walking into one of the servers.

“Oh, sorry,” you mumbled, looking down and stepping aside, until you caught a whiff of one of the dishes. A server walked by with a fruit platter containing all colours of the rainbow, and the one behind them held a plate full of garlic shrimp skewers just waiting for you to grab. The smoky yet buttery aroma of steak passed you by next, pulling you back to the dinner table with Gwen in tow, who chuckled at your little trance.

Your mouth-watering, you stand on your toes as the other attendees scramble for first dibs on the incoming foods. It seemed like the steak and the garlic bread were the most popular choices, so you decide to come back for it later—there would more than likely be another plate coming anyway. Instead, something else that no one else seemed to touch makes your eyes almost pop out of their sockets in excitement.

Cheese.

There was nothing you loved more in this world than cheese and on top of that, you don't think anything or anyone could come close to it. Cheese was your best friend, sorry, Gwen, cheese was always there went something went wrong, again, sorry, Gwen, cheese was everything right in the world. Whether it was cold, straight out of the fridge, or heated up so it was warm and stringy, it was perfect. If someone told you to do something and in return they offered cheese? You’d do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked, that's just how much you loved the stuff. 

Evilly chuckling under your breath, you grab your plate and make a beeline for the tiers of different cheeses to try. You take one of every option there and make a small pile of them on your plate. Brie, cheddar, parmesan, pepper jack, gouda, and—

“Ooh, camembert!”

You jump, dropping the cheese in your hand. Who dares to take your precious cheese? Just thirty seconds ago, you were the only person at the cheese board. What could have changed within that short time frame?

A hand reaches out to grab a slice of camembert and you follow it to meet eyes with the last person you wanted there. Seungmin stands across the table, an addicting, yet very punchable, smirk on his face as he places the slice of the precious camembert onto his plate.

You wanted to smack the smirk off his stupid face. Maybe smash your lips against his before you did so.

But all you could do was blink.

“Camembert,” Seungmin states matter-of-factly, holding up a slice in his hand. You aren’t sure if you should look at the cheese or at him. “Your favourite, right?”

You look down at your plate, biting your lip to keep yourself from smiling.

Seungmin bends down, smirking when he sees your flustered state. “Hey,” he chuckles, sending your stomach into knots before you could even get food in it. “Earth to Y/N…”

You blink and blink again before making eye contact with him, and he still has that brazen smile on his face. You aren’t sure how you still aren’t used to him looking at you like that. Like you’re the only two people in the room and how it could all change so instantly and you’d still be the one left in this haze of rose. 

“Here,” he says, taking a piece from his plate and putting it on yours. You look between the slice of camembert and him, and he smiles at you over his shoulder as he struts over to his seat.

You’re left there standing in shock, blinking as you try to wrap your head around what happened.

“Did I really just see that?” Gwen asks as she steps next to you. 

Then your rose glasses start to crack and streams of real light come through. 

“Uh..” you clear your throat. “Yeah, that happened.” 

“So have you, uh, spoken to him since?” Gwen begins to ask and you quickly shake your head. 

“Nope.”

“Ah,” Gwen responds as she starts to pick up her own pieces of cheese. 

Looking over your shoulder, your eyes scan the surrounding area and your eyes widen as you find Seungmin already looking in your direction– the same brazen smile still plastered on his face. 

You turn away when you see him laugh to himself and look down at his plate. “I’m– I’m going to sit back down.” 

Gwen hums in acknowledgement and you quickly rush back to your seat next to Felix and Jisung. Placing your plate down, you slip into your seat. 

“Lover of cheese huh?” Felix laughs, looking down at your plate. Picking up a piece and placing it in your mouth with a happy hum, you nod your head. 

“Call it a passion of mine,” you say, covering your mouth. 

“Gosh,” Jisung groans from next to you. “Don’t get her started, she’ll talk about it all day.” 

Throwing your head back laughing at his comment, you can’t even begin to deny it. “I’m passionate,” you respond with a smile. 

Looking at you with a blank face, Jisung blinks. “You’re obsessed.” 

“Devoted,” you fight, sounding out the syllables.

“Obsessed,” Jisung repeats, copying your actions. 

You make a face at him before plopping another piece of cheese in your mouth and chewing away happily.

Your eyes scan the surrounding area and you feel yourself straightening up when your eyes land on Seungmin. He’s already looking at you, and you can’t tell if he looks annoyed or maybe even jealous about sitting so far away from you.

You simply turn back to Felix, propping your chin on your palm. “Now, where were we?”

“Here we go,” Jisung mutters.

You nudge him with your elbow before continuing. “Anyways… Yes, I do love cheese. But not as much as—”

“Y/N,” Jisung whines.

“Jisung!” You plaster on a cheesy grin, blinking one too many times as you turn your head to him. “Why don’t you tell them about your so-called ‘passion’,” you say, making air-quotes around “passion”, “for coffee?”

Jisung just glares at you. He keeps a straight face, but you can see the tips of his ears turning red. “You know that’s different, Y/N.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Okay, and how many cups of americano have you had this week?

“Wh– I–” he sputters. “Like, six?”

You say nothing, and just maintain your gaze on him.

“…teen.”

You smile smugly. “Mhm. And somehow I’m the obsessed one.”

Something white falls in the corner of your eye. Looking back at your plate, you don’t notice anything different, except for a piece of camembert that must have rolled off your plate. You shrug and pop it into your mouth; you did have a comically large pile of it to work through, so it was more than plausible.

You look back up, and Jisung is staring above your head with furrowed eyebrows. You follow his gaze and see… a ceiling. You wonder how many of those sixteen cups of americano were from today alone.

Felix, who also seems to have spaced out for a second, looks back at Jisung. “It’s okay, man,” he chuckles, “I had, like, three cups of coffee this morning.”

“A man of culture,” Jisung nods happily, motioning to the blonde boy with a smile. 

Felix laughs, nodding his own head. “Of course, man, I need the caffeine to survive, especially with my classes.” 

“Teacher or student?” You ask. 

Somehow, and you’re not sure how, but Felix’s smile seems to grow wider. 

“Both actually,” he hums. “Well if you class it as both I guess.” 

Raising an eyebrow for him to continue, he does. 

“I’m a student teacher, currently on placement in a nursery school, but I took a week off to be here,” 

“That’s so sweet!” You smile, “Working with kids fun?” 

Felix nods again, “Kids are just amazing,” He laughs. “Every day is different and they’re so out there, you know? It’s really a fulfilling position.” 

“Sounds like you want a bunch of your own then?” You giggle, causing a pink tint to cross Felix’s face. 

He shrugs, before spluttering, “I-I don’t know, m-maybe?!” 

“Well, I’m sure whoever you’d be with would be very lucky.” You continue to giggle, nodding your head. 

Felix’s blush deepens and he nods his head shyly. 

“How about you? Seeing stuff like that in your future?” 

You shrug, picking up another piece of cheese from your plate before putting it into your mouth. You let it rest there for a moment, giving yourself time to think before you swallow. 

“Maybe,” you take a deep breath in and let it out as you look over to Felix. “I don’t know what’s in my cards yet, so maybe.” You shrug. 

“That’s a chill way to think about it,” he smiles. 

“Thanks,” you laugh. “I feel like it’s less pressuring that way you know?” 

He hums, nodding his head in agreement. “Oh yeah, for sure, everything should be done at your own pace.” 

“True, plus I haven’t even graduated yet so, I think I’ll focus on this hurdle before I think about another one that might not even happen yet.” 

Another white object falls, and this time you look up in time to catch a hand above you before its owner pulls it back. Letting your eyes fall back to your plate, there was an additional piece of camembert on top of the few cheeses you had left. You wouldn’t have questioned it this time if you hadn’t already finished the camembert you brought with you.

Your face contorts in confusion as your gaze settles on Seungmin, who barely acknowledges you as he pulls his hand away and continues to make his way around the table and to his seat. 

You blink as your eyes follow him, with your mouth open slightly in shock. 

“I thought you said it was complicated?” Felix chuckles, snapping you out of your daze. 

You nod, trying to get your brain to make a coherent thought. “It is…. We are.” 

Jisung snorts from next to you and leans to the side slightly so Felix can see him properly. “Trust me, as someone who’s seen it all since high school, complicated is putting it simply.” 

“You’re one to talk,” you mutter, shoving another piece of camembert into your mouth. 

“He’s been dropping cheese off to you like your cheese fairy godmother,” Felix chuckles again. 

“Don’t you mean fairy godfather?” Jisung asks. 

“Fairy godperson?” Felix responds. 

“Personal preference,” you shrug, “anyway, we shouldn’t let him cloud our minds with his confusing actions.” 

“Are you talking to us or yourself there?” Jisung chuckles, making you roll your eyes and playfully slap his arm. 

“Shut up Ji.”

Letting out a breath of air, you lean forward and quickly take another piece of cheese from your plate.

“I’m just saying, I don’t have an americano fairy godperson,” Jisung says matter-of-factly, leaning back into his seat. 

You just stare at him incredulously, blindly stuffing another piece of cheese into your mouth. “How would that even work?”

He shrugs. “Maybe they have a cup of coffee ready for me in the morning?”

Swallowing the piece in your mouth, you don’t break your stare. The thought of this magical fairy godperson having to memorize Jisung’s coffee order makes you feel sorry for them. You tried it once, and never again.

“Maybe they just pour coffee into your mouth,” Felix chimes in.

You snort, rolling your eyes. “That’s almost worse, it’s like a mama bird throwing up in its baby’s mouth.”

Closing your eyes, open your mouth and tilt your head up, as if to mimic the hypothetical baby bird. After a few seconds, you feel something land in your mouth, causing your eyes to shoot open and you sit up.

You pat on your chest and quickly clear your throat. You bite down on what you can taste is cheese and swallow. 

“That’s not how it went in the dream went,” you mutter to yourself as you lean back in your chair. 

Jisung from beside you blinks, his mouth wide. “Huh?!” 

Your eyes widen for a moment before your face breaks out into a smile at the boys confusion. 

“Like,” he leans forward and whispers. “Sexual?” 

You also lean forward, making him more intrigued, “Yes.” 

His mouth open and closes like a fish, “that doesn’t answer my question?!” 

“But do you really want the answer to that question though?” You ask, with a pessimistic look on your face. 

“Yes and no,” Jisung answers almost immediately. 

However, Jisung’s train of thought gets cut short when Gwen kneels down in between you two, her hand on either one of your chairs. “I’m sorry, but did I just see that right? Did he just feed you?” 

“He’s been feeding her all night,” Jisung hisses. “Did you know she’s had a sex dream about seungmin and cheese?!” 

Gwen rolls her eyes, “They’ve had sex before, of course, she’s had the cheese sex dream about him.” 

“Um, what?!” Jisung gasps as he continues to whisper. “You’ve had it with more people than just him?” 

This time it’s you that sending him a confused look. “Wait, is this about sex in general or the cheese sex dream?”

“I-” Jisung gasps. “I don’t know at this point, I’m so confused.” 

“Wait, that’s not why i’m here! Gwen hisses. “That weird moment at the food table and now he’s been feeding you all night? What is up with him?” 

“You tell me,” you sigh, your eyes linger on where he was currently sat, his attention on his older brother Minho and the two others sat across from him. 

“If I could give my two cents,” Felix leans behind your chair for the three of you to hear. “I’m Felix, by the way,” he smiles at Gwen and offers his hand for her to shake. 

“Oh, hi! I’m Gwen!” 

Their hands part and Felix clears his throat. “I don’t know what happened for things to be as complicated as you say they are, but he obviously has some unresolved feelings for you.” 

“How can you tell?” you ask. 

“Because adults are just overgrown children and I work with children every day,” Felix explains. “He uses these little things to keep your attention, any sign of that attention going away, he comes back and does it again.” 

“How are you so sure?” 

The side of Felix’s lips tilt up into a smirk. He shots a look, over to Seungmin and his smirk grows widen when he notices the boy is looking over at the four of them. “Eat the rest of your cheese quick,” he looks at you again. “I’ll prove it to you.” Looking over at Gwen, he smiles. “Gwen, you go back to your seat and act natural, you guys will see what I mean.” 

You do as he instructs, eating the rest of your cheese (even though you didn’t have much left anyway). After you plop the last piece into your mouth, you smile and hum. 

You loved cheese so much. 

You look over to Felix with a small smile. “Finished.”

“You can have some of mine,” Felix smiles and says slightly louder than normal, sliding his own plate over to you. “You are more of a cheese fanatic than I am, so you deserve it.” 

You exaggerate your pout as you look at him. “You’re my new favourite person Felix.” 

Even though it was an act, a pink blush still covers his cheeks as he brushes you off with a wave of his hand. “It’s fine, you’ll enjoy it more than I will anyway so go ahead.”

It’s maybe only thirty seconds later that a paper plate filled with different types of cheese– noticeably more camembert than the rest– appears beside you. Looking up quickly, you catch Seungmin with a scowl on his lips. 

“Here,” he mumbles quickly, before walking back around to his chair without a second to spare. 

Felix snorts, leaning backwards to send a look at Jisung and Gwen, and mouths ‘i told you’. 

“Okay,” you mumble. “Maybe you’re on to something.”

 In the next second, Gwen is back down kneeled beside you. “That was insane,” she gasps. 

“I don’t get it,” you huff. “He was the one that didn’t want anything official in the first place.” you mumble the last part, your eyes fixed on the plate with the mountain of cheese on. 

“It’s been three years,” Jisung starts. “People and their feelings can change.” 

“But…” what about what he said last night? Just for tonight? 

His words were one thing, but then his actions completely different. His words were, one time only, but his actions and the way your friends, and new friend, spoke about them, said that it was more than that. 

Why couldn’t you just read minds? You thought to yourself, at least then you’d maybe be able to tell what he was thinking half of the time. 

Looking at Gwen, you frown.

“Maybe,” Gwen sighs. “Maybe try talking to him,” her gaze narrows on you. “Properly this time.” 

Your cheeks begin to heat up and you nod. Looking at Gwen, you notice her gaze is elsewhere causing you to follow it and that’s when you see Mina talking to Seungmin. Every now and then he rolls his eyes, almost like he doesn’t like her words. 

“Maybe he’s being told the same thing,” Gwen says, patting your shoulder. 

You shrug, maintaining your gaze on Seungmin as you bring a piece of camembert into your mouth. Maybe this was a sign to talk to him.

Maybe you could give him another chance.

→→

seungmin casually slides into his chair, a smirk present on his lips as he picks at his now full plate. 

"What are you doing?" Mina's voice, fills Seungmin's ears and he tilts his head at her in false confusion. 

"What do you mean?" Mina's face is blank as she blinks. 

"Just casually dropping off cheese?" 

"No," he responds as he takes a bite of a piece of his food. "Just need to get my steps in." 

"You're full of shit Seung, seriously," she sighs. 

His eyes move to you and he watches how you speak with Jisung and whom he came to learn was Felix. He notices how Gwen leaves her seat to crouch behind you. But ultimately, he notices how Felix stares at him, his own smirk twisted into his lips. Seungmin's eyes narrows as he looks at the boy and he rolls his eyes at how Felix's laugh seems to make you smile. 

His eyes go back to you and he watches as you turn to eat the rest of the cheese on your plate and once you are in fact done. Felix smiles and moves his own closer to you. 

“You can have some of mine,” Felix's voice fills Seungmin's ears and he gets up suddenly, causing both Mina and Minho to look at him. Felix's voice still echoing in his ears. “You are more of a cheese fanatic than I am, so you deserve it.” 

He gets to the food table, grabs a paper plate and starts to put all of his annoyed emotions into putting the new pieces of cheese onto the plate. He wanted to say to say sorry to the cheese for being so mean, but he just resulted to rolling his eyes when your voice fills his ears. “You’re my new favourite person Felix.” 

Silently making fun of the way you said it, he rolls his eyes again before turning around. “It’s fine, you’ll enjoy it more than I will anyway so go ahead.” 

He takes the few steps over to where you're sat next to Felix and leans over and drops the plate onto the table. 

"Here," he mumbles and he doesn't leave you a second to process and respond.

Quickly walking back around to his seat, he drops into it with his arms crossed. He stares at his own plate on his table and just by the way he hears Mina sigh and turn to him, he knows he's in for it. 

"You seriously just can't keep chill can you?" Mina asks, clicking her tongue. 

Keeping his eyes on his plate, his jaw tightens. "What do you mean?" 

"Don't do this Seungmin, not right now, this is the rehearsal dinner for my wedding!" She says emphasising the word wedding. "Don't go and try and make things awkward not just for us but for her and everyone else here." 

Seungmin's eyes look up at his older sister. "I'm not trying to make things awkward." 

Mina rolls her eyes. "You're still full of shit Seungmin and you know that. You know what you're doing and you know why you're doing it." 

Seungmin rolls his eyes and he goes to open his mouth to speak, but Mina cuts him off. 

"No, you don't talk until I'm finished." Mina glares. "Now this is my wedding, you're not going to play your mind games with her. you're not going to have her regret coming and ruining this as a memory for not only her, but for me as well. I don't care if you think I'm being a bitch here, but you sort your shit out. If you really want to fix things, you don't do it like this. If you really want to fix things, you don't sleep with her on the first night of seeing each other again in hopes of it just making things go away and making it better. It doesn't work like that." Mina exclaims, causing Seungmin to shrink in his seat.

 He didn't know she knew about that. 

Mina sighs and frowns at her younger brother. "I love you, I really do, but you have to remember everything that happened back then was because you decided for it to happen that way. Take responsibility for it if you want things to be different with her." Mina suggests, she then laughs, trying to lighten the mood. "However, I don't know why you had to pick my wedding was the right time for it."

He tries to smile as he looks up at Mina, "I'm sorry." 

Mina leans forward and messes playfully with his hair causing him to try and push her hands away. "You're my little brother and I love and support you," Mina starts, however Seungmin knew this was too good to be true. She wouldn't just praise him so casually. "But you're so fucking stupid sometimes, I mean, I love it for you, but gosh Seungmin." 

there it was. 

"Ouch, but I love you too I guess." Seungmin responds. 

"Of course you do," Mina laughs. "I tell you the truth and you know that asshole would just laugh at you." Mina's eyes flickers to Minho, who's still focused on the other two men sat across from him. 

Seungmin joins in on her laughter and nods his head. "True." 

"Just," Mina sighs. "If you really want something, go for it. If you really want something with her. Tell her, don't continue to be that dumb high school kid you were and be truthful with her and lay it all out on the table." 

"Okay," Seungmin hums. "I'll talk to her."

→→

You're slow to leave the dining hall after the rehearsal dinner, too caught up in chatting to Felix, Jisung and Gwen that you're one of the last sets of people to leave. You trailed out behind Gwen and Jisung with Felix by your side as you continued to laugh at Felix's jokes. 

You came to a stop, however, when you saw Seungmin casually leaning up against the wall out in the hallway. When he notices you, he stands quickly and takes the few steps towards you, nodding slightly at Felix. 

Patting your shoulder, Felix smiles, "I'll catch up with you later." 

Inhale, exhale. 

You nod, sending a similar smile to the boy beside you. "Okay, see you later." 

As you watched him walk away, you took the moment to prepare yourself mentally before you turned to face Seungmin. 

His hair is messier, like he's run his hands through it a thousand times whilst he was waiting for you to come out into the hallway. And his tie, once neatly laid out was now pulled loose and his top button of his white shirt was undone. 

"Seungmin," you take another breath. "What do you need?" 

"To talk to you," he starts. "about everything." 

"Everything?" you question. "Like how you tried to choke me out with cheese today?" 

A chuckle escaped the boys mouth, his lips turned up into a smile. "You know you wouldn't be mad about it if it happened." 

You snorted as you tried your best to fight off a smile. "What do you want, Seungmin? Seriously." 

"About us," Seungmin takes a step forward. "I mean it, I-" 

Seungmin pauses mid-sentence like his brain had just up and paused on him. There was a look in his eyes that you couldn't quite figure out and when he opens his mouth to speak once more, he sighs. 

"I don't want it to be just for tonight– well last night." He blushes, closing his eyes to avoid having to see your reaction. 

"What?" You gasp. "Seungmin..." 

You couldn't help but feel an odd sense of reversed deja vu. 

“Look, I know it probably doesn’t make sense, after everything that happened between us, but…” Seungmin pauses to take a deep breath. 

Your breath hitches in your throat. Something in you tells you that you know where this is going. 

But it can’t go that way. You know it deep down. As much as your body screams at you to give in right then and there, your brain screams over it.

“Seungmin…” you breathe out. Your eyes flick to the floor, then back to him.

You use every fibre of your being to stop yourself from stepping closer to him. Even after all these years, he was intoxicating—the right look from him could make you weak in the knees, turning you into putty. It was a mystery how you made it through the dinner.

Seungmin notices your hesitation, and gently lifts your chin up with two fingers. He then moves his hand so it’s cupping your cheek. The look he gives you is so tender, warmth pooling in his eyes, that you have to glance back down to compose yourself.

You dare to look up again, and something in you snaps. Before you could even think about what you’re doing, your hand slowly makes it’s way up his arm before going around the back of his neck.

It truly was a mystery how you made it through the dinner, you thought for a split second. But it all goes to static when you pull him against you and press his lips to his. 

His lips are chapped, like he had been nibbling on them as he waited for you. You don’t care as much as the kiss in itself is soft, sweet and a feeling swirled in your stomach like you had successfully gotten your next fix.

It quickly changes however, when his hands land on your hips, and it’s like electric shocks are sent all over your body. Sighing into the kiss, he takes the chance to overpower you and without little hassle, you let him. All you do instead is pull him closer to you– if it was even physically possible. 

“I still need to talk to you,” He pulls back slightly and mumbles against your lips. You quickly cut him short with another kiss.

“This,” kiss. “Isn’t,” another kiss. “Talking.” 

You’re doing everything you can to try and get him to stop thinking and to just solely focus on the act of kissing you. Moving your lips swiftly to his neck, you’re sure he can feel your smirk against his skin and you feverishly place kisses up and along his neck and jaw line.

“We can talk later,” he moans.

Taking your face in his hands, he angles you once again so you’re looking at him, smashing his lips to yours again, and you can’t think straight. It takes only mere seconds for you to full loose all thoughts of right or wrong.

You know what? Maybe one more night won’t hurt.

→→

You stare at the words that were displayed on your beat up flip up phone as you felt whatever vice was around your heart tighten. 

Mina: 11:45 am

Look, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but since he obviously isn’t going to tell you himself… Seungmin’s leaving for college. 

I tried to get him to tell you.

You felt your throat tighten and you did your best to clear it by patting on your chest causing you to cough. 

Pushing yourself away from your desk with your hands, you rise to your feet, before rushing out of your bedroom door, down the stairs and out of the door and away from your house in only a matter of seconds.

You could hear your parents calling out behind you, lost for words, but that didn't concern you at that moment. Not when seungmin was leaving and the only reason you knew was because his older sister was nice enough to tell you. Not even seungmin himself could get the courage to tell you- to break down his own walls ever so slightly just to give you the decency of telling you: hey, i'm leaving. 

Haphazardly typing out a response to Mina, you hit send and shove your phone into your pocket as you continue to run as fast as you could to their house. 

The adrenaline over powers the fact that you want nothing more badly as to cry. To break down and to scream to the world, to him, until your throat went dry and your lungs hurt. Because no matter how little or much he shared with others. no matter how much or how little he wanted to show the world that he cared, he still did. How, even after so many months of secrecy and silent wishes, he was more than just a senior year crush. 

He was more than just a mere moment in time. 

He was powerful, moving, frustrating in all of the best ways. He was addicting and even though he broke your heart every time he said he didn't want anyone to know about the both of you, you still foolishly stayed. Because you'd rather break your heart a thousand times by him than to never experience his love, even if it's not fully and out loud. No matter the odd and secretive the ways he seemed to share it. 

Because in those secret moments, the ones where it was you two vs the world. Where he looked at you like you had hung the stars in the sky especially for him. He made all of the pain worth it, made all of the crying into ice cream tubs at two in the morning worth it. 

Sure, maybe it didn't make sense, but nothing made sense about him. Ever. You could never fully wrap your head around the enigma that is Kim Seungmin, but you knew, if you had the chance, you’d want to spend as much time as possible trying to.

Your feet stop once you're outside of his house and whatever adrenaline you have seems to wear off as the tight feeling returns to your throat. You see movement through the living room window and even when your mind screams at you to flee, your feet carry you forward up the footpath and onto the main porch. 

The ever familiar white door is a looming presence. It’s silently taunting you, beckoning you to knock on its wooden surface and face the boy who was about to be ripped from your world. Or don’t. You could just go home for all he cared, go back to your fantasy world where Seungmin will always be around, only to shatter your own heart when you finally wake up.

It was like some screwed up form of Schrodinger's cat—no matter what you do, you know you’re going to lose.

Maybe that is what compels you to stay long enough for Minho to open the door, a confused but content smile on his face.

"Oh, y/n, hi!" 

You attempt to smile, but it falters, "Hey."

Whether or not he notices, he doesn’t say, which you’re thankful for.

“Here for Seung?” The older boy asks, causing your cheeks to heat up as you nod quickly. Minho hums before calling out behind him for Seungmin. “Come inside, it’s getting cold.” 

“Yeah…” Seungmin’s voice softens as he looks up and sees you, standing beside Minho. “Y/N…” 

Gulping, you wave before pushing your lips into a thin line. 

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Minho says, before turning to you and tapping your shoulder. “It was good to see you.” 

You nod simply, trying your best to smile as your gaze soon moves back towards Seungmin. He’s standing at the bottom of the stairs, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes are looking in any direction that isn’t you. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Ignoring his question, you respond with your own. “Are you really leaving?” 

His head shoots up in surprise and the look on his face alone is enough confirmation, but it tugs at your heartstrings more when he asks.

“How did you know?” 

“So you weren’t even going to tell me?” Your face twists into a frown as you blink to try and stop your eyes from feeling glassy. “Do you care so little about me that you wouldn’t even tell me?” 

“How did you find out?” He rephrases his question from before as his eyes stayed on you. Boring into you like he was trying to find the centre of your soul. 

“Is that all you care about right now?” You scoff. “You care more about me finding out you’re leaving than actually telling me yourself?” You blink away the tears that had threatened to fall. This time, you were the one to look anywhere but at him. “Did none of our moments together mean anything to you?” 

You can’t tell if he’s deflecting, unwilling to answer your question or if he truly cares so little about the almost full year you had spent together. 

“That’s just what they are though,” Seungmin sighed. “Moments in time,” he crosses his arm over his chest and metaphorically sticks a knife through your chest. “But moments pass, and this is one of those moments.” 

“So they really didn’t mean anything huh?” you tsk to yourself, shaking your head lightly. “I can’t believe I’m actually going to ask, but, did I even mean anything to you?” 

“Of course, you meant something to me, you’re a great friend.” Now he’s cauterising the wound, whilst trying to shove the knife in deeper. 

It’s funny how someone in one moment could be beginning for your affection, only to stab you in the back the next. But it wasn’t just stabbing you in the back, it was full hung drawn and quartered. He was pulling the emotions out of you, the memories and tearing them to shreds in front of you like a child would rip open the wrapping paper on their presents on Christmas morning. 

“Friends, really?” you huff, “to you, we’re only just friends? Do friends really do everything we did together?” 

Seungmin slips his hands into the back pocket of his jeans as he shrugs. “Some friends might, who am I to judge?” 

“So you really wouldn’t care if I did all of the things I did with you with someone else? You know, 'cause that’s what friends do apparently.” You suggest.

Seungmin falters, his jaw tightening for a second before he relaxes. There’s something that flashes in his eyes that you can’t figure out and he just hallowly laughs.

“Of course not,” Seungmin mutters. “You can do whatever you want.” 

“So would it be wrong of me to assume that you did this with your other ‘friends’ too?” You felt a bubble get caught in your throat as you tried to keep your voice from failing. “Is that why you never wanted anyone else to know? Cause you had other ‘friends’?” 

Seungmin pauses as his eyes bore into yours. You want to look away, but something inside of you physically stops you from doing so. 

He stays quiet for the longest few seconds of your life before you attempt to speak again. “Can you at least-” 

“No,” he cuts you off, clearing his throat. “It was just you. I wasn’t and didn’t see anyone else.” 

“Were you embarrassed by me?” 

He shakes his head almost instantly and the more he speaks, the more utterly confused you’re getting. 

“No,” he says simply. “What’s there to be embarrassed about?” 

“You– You–” your mind stutters. “You confuse me so much. If it wasn’t because there was someone else and it wasn’t because you were embarrassed about me, then why? Why didn’t you want anyone else to know?” 

Seungmin sighs the heaviest sigh you think you’ve ever heard. It’s almost like he’s tired of repeating himself without ever actually repeating what he means. 

“Because like you said, they were moments in time, moments we shared together, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to be aware of them.” Seungmin attempts to explain. 

“Not even the people that would be happy for you? Care for you and want you to succeed?” 

Seungmin shrugs his shoulders once more. He’s so casual about the whole thing that it’s like a stark difference to the Seungmin he showed you in secret, the Seungmin that only you saw. 

At this point, you couldn’t tell if you had gone numb to all of your emotions, or if you were reaching the breaking point. “You really just don’t care do you?” 

“I didn’t say that” Seungmin responds rather quickly. 

“You did,” you say twice as fast.

“I didn’t” Seungmin rebuts.

“You did, you said moments pass and that ours passed. Make it make sense?” You beg, you could accept any bit of explanation at this point. Especially if it cleared up how he was feeling and made you less confused. 

However, Seungmin couldn’t do that. He just had to add more questions than answers. It was like he couldn’t help himself.

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t mean something to me.”

“Well, it meant everything to *me*, Seungmin. Don’t you get it?” Running a hand through your hair in an attempt to get it out of your face, you let a groan escape your lips. “I did everything you asked of me. I didn’t tell anyone, I snuck around for you, I let my grades slip and my friends worry about me because of you. I waited and waited because at first, I thought, this is new. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to tell anyone right away. Let us just find our place together, to make sure we actually worked well together and then maybe he’ll be comfortable sharing with at least our friends, but then I kept waiting because I care so much about you and about every single moment that we spent together and how much I didn’t want them to end that I thought that just keeping silent and continuing to wait would be enough. And it’s the fact that I’m so foolish that I could wait for you forever if you asked me to because that’s how much I love you, Kim Seungmin.” 

You only notice the tears spilling down your cheeks when you begin to taste the saltiness on your lips. 

“Love?” He whispers. “You love me?” 

Taking in a deep breath, you wipe your cheeks and find the courage inside to look at him. His eyes are soft and red like he has his own tears welling up. Your frown deepens, “would it really make a difference if I did at this point?” 

“Y/N, I…” Seungmin pauses. He opens his mouth like a fish out of water but soon finds his words. “I thought we agreed, we were just having some fun, nothing serious.” 

“I never agreed to that Seungmin,” you hiccup. “I just let myself get carried away with you because I always hoped it would change.”

As he takes a step forward, you take one back closer to his front door. 

“Do you really love me?” He asks, his voice almost sounding sincere. 

Nodding, the tears rolling down your cheeks, drop onto the floor below you. 

“I do, so goddamn much and I see now how much of a fool I was to get swept up with you.” You laugh a laugh so hollow, your soul hurts. “I’m sorry and I hope college treats you well Seungmin,” sighing, you turn and open the door. “I really do.” 

Shutting his front door behind you, your feet once again carry you down the path and you stop once it connects to the main pavement. 

Just like all those months before, you stand there, waiting– wishing for him to come outside and to bring you into his arms as he screams about how much he loves you, but just like then, he doesn’t. 

You’re left alone with your sweater paw covering your mouth in hopes of muffling your cries. 

→→

It was Seungmin pulling you closer to him that caused you to stir and wake up and it was you shooting up in bed that caused him to groan and open his eyes groggily. 

“What are you doing?” he yawns, attempting to grab you and pull you back towards him. 

"I- I should," you move just out of the way of his fingertips. "I should go back to my room, the wedding is later." 

As you're looking around for your items of clothing, Seungmin sits up. 

"No wait, just stay here and go later, we still have time." he tries to reason with you, but you just shake your head. "Come on, lets go back to sleep." 

"I shouldn't, Seungmin," you mutter, slipping back into your clothes from last night. 

Seungmin gets up, finds some of his own clothes before he turns to face you. "Why not? what's wrong?" 

"It's just… this," you motion between you two as he steps towards you. "Us, everything about this."

 "Y/N," 

Groaning, you can't stop yourself from speaking. "And I hate it when you say my name like that!" 

"What's going on? Just talk to me please." 

"You, Seungmin, you're just so confusing to me like a fucking enigma." you scoff. "You’re the one that never wanted to be open before, you said we had a moment and that it passed and now here we are now. Now you're acting sweet, you're trying to have my attention on you 24/7, you're feeding me cheese knowing it's my favourite, but then you say things like how you only want to be with me for the night, or for the weekend?” 

You look around the room before your eyes meets his and you continue your speech.

“You say my name in the way you used to say it before, like how we weren't on the same page, saying my name in a tone like you were letting me down easy and I don't want to go through that again, Min." you slip up at the nickname. "I never wanted just for the night, just for the weekend. I wanted forever then and even after all this time, i'm still a fool for wanting it now."

“Y/N, wait–” 

Seungmin attempts to speak, but you cut him off before he gets the chance to say another word. 

“And you’re asking me to stay with you, to go back to sleep beside you in your arms. I just can’t stop thinking about how after today, we’ll part and it’ll be just like it was back then, another passing moment.” You gulp and look down, hoping he doesn’t see your lips waver. “I don’t think my heart can take it.” 

Seungmin gently tilts your chin up, forcing your eyes to meet his once more. His gaze is soft, his chestnut eyes swimming with a kind of warmth that almost makes you want to run back into his arms right there.

“Y/N, this…” his voice is soft, and his thumb is rubbing gentle circles on your cheek. You can’t help but lean into his hand. “This isn’t just a moment.”

Your breath hitches in your throat. You almost do throw yourself into him, you’re this close. You want so badly to just give into him for the third time, but the memories come back flooding to you before you can try.

You let out a shaky breath, and you have to move his hand away in order to get your next words out.

“Then what was it last time?”

Seungmin stays silent. His lips are parted as if he’s going to speak, but no words leave his throat. You search his eyes for an answer, noticing a mixture of surprise and shock for a second, then a flash of regret. He casts his gaze down, blinking a few times to recompose himself before looking back up at you.

An uncomfortable silence hangs in the air. Your stare shifts from his eyes to his lips and back as you wait for him to speak. But still, nothing comes out. Your chest tightens at the lack of response.

A minute passes by, and Seungmin still hasn’t uttered a word. You feel crushed under the silence, physically and emotionally, and your body scrambles to find a way out before your brain can catch up.

“Wait, Y/N—” Seungmin mumbles, grabbing your hand before you can step away from him. You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from looking.

“Seungmin, I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” he pleas. You don’t need to turn your head to know he’s giving you that soft, desperate look. Those goddamn fucking puppy dog eyes you always fell for in the past, and you knew if you even dared to look, you’d fall for it again.

“I can’t.” You say, shaking your hand to loosen his grip on it and begin to gather the rest of your things. “You can’t even say a word to me.”

“I am right now,” Seungmin grabs your hand one more time and succeeds in making you turn around this time. 

You huff, letting your eyes trail up to this. “Okay, then tell me. If this isn’t another passing moment to you, then what was it last time?”

You clutch your purse in your hand, watching him expectantly for an answer. But another silence fills the air, and this one is louder than ever.

You don’t let the silence go on as long this time. Instead, you sling your purse over your shoulder, grabbing the rest of your things as you storm out of the room.

“I’ll see you at the wedding, Seungmin,” you say, and you turn to look back at him one more time. It takes everything in you to keep yourself from running back once you see the regret etched on his face. “Let me know if you ever have an actual answer for me.”

→→

“Now introducing, Mr. and Mrs. Bang!” 

The room bursts into applause and as he watches his older sister gaze at the love of her life, happiness begins to overflow in Seungmin’s chest. For years, he’s watched Mina adorn pages in her journal, and, the minute she had access to a smartphone, her Pinterest, with ideas of her dream wedding. She had every little detail laid out—from the sequins on her dress to the exact shade of the streamers that graced the walls of the venue. It made him roll his eyes at the time, but to see everything actually come to life with the man of his sister’s dreams, it now makes his heart swell with pride.

As Mina interlocks with her fingers with Chan’s, the audience stands up to watch the newlyweds walk back down the aisle, time seems to slow down for Seungmin. He follows her as she swings her hands with her new husband, her eyes all sparkly as she looks around at all her loved ones. As happy as he is for her, he can’t help but feel the slightest twinge of envy. It sounds bad to say on his sister’s literal wedding day, but he can’t deny it anymore.

Especially not after seeing Y/N again.

But Seungmin knows there’s a time and place for his feelings now, and his sister’s special day is not one of them. So he swallows it down, and, as the attendees follow the couple out to the reception, he gently pushes through the crowd to meet Mina up at the front.

Seeing his sister so happy up close seems to bring back the warmth pooling in his stomach. “You… you look beautiful.” 

Mina sends him a closed-eyed smile, patting Seungmin’s arm with her free hand. “Thank you. And thank you for being here.” 

“I wouldn’t miss it.” 

As Mina looks up at Seungmin, she can’t help but feel a sense of pride at how grown up her baby brother seemed to be and how much he had changed compared to his high school self. 

Mina’s smile grew wider as did Seungmin’s, “I’m really proud of you, by the way,” 

Seungmin feels his cheeks heat up and he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “This is meant to be about you,” 

Rolling her eyes, Mina chuckles. “It is, but it doesn’t mean I can’t praise my baby brother does it?” 

Seungmin’s eyes furrow together partly because of the question, but also because of the baby brother. “I’m not a baby.” 

Shaking her head, she gazes at her new husband quickly before looking back at Seungmin. “I don’t know. Your new brother-in-law would say otherwise.”

“That’s because he’s like 100 years old and everyone is baby to him,” Seungmin mutters, rolling his eyes. Mina slaps his arm, narrowing her eyes at her younger brother. 

“He’s 26, don’t be dramatic.” 

“My point still stands,” Seungmin continues to mutter, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets. 

Seungmin lets out a silent sigh as his eyes flicker around the room. His shoulders dropping slightly when he can’t seem to find the person he;s looking for: you. 

“Why the long face?” Mina asks, “Looking for someone?” 

Seungmin nods silently, his eyes still checking around the room for you. 

“For Y/N?” Mina questions. 

Seungmin clears his throat, his ears feeling the heat. 

“Maybe…” 

“Oh…” Mina’s voice drops. “You just missed her. She caught me just a minute ago and said she wasn’t feeling good. she just congratulated me and left.” 

Seungmin’s shoulders drop and he does his best to smile at Mina. 

Mina smiles wider, in hopes of calming him, maybe even giving him some hope. “You could go ask Gwen? She’s sharing a room with her anyway, so i’m sure she’ll know more than I do.” 

Seungmin nods quickly, a hopeful smile indeed covering his face. 

When his eyes focus on Mina again, she’s already looking over her shoulder, lovingly gazing at Chan as he’s chatting with Felix and another blonde that Seungmin didn’t know the name of. 

“I don’t want to keep you,” Seungmin pats Mina’s shoulder. “Get back over to the love of your life.” 

Mina’s grin widens at the words love of your life as she nods. Seungmin could practically see the hearts floating above her head. 

“I’ll talk to you later,” Seungmin laughs and Mina just hums before she parts from Seungmin and wraps her arms around Chan’s waist when she gets close to him. Seungmin watches as Chan turns to her, his own dopey smile on his lips as he places a kiss on her hairline. 

After a moment, Seungmin inhales deeply and his eyes scan the room for his new target, Gwen. She was honestly pretty easy to find, especially when she had the loud-mouth Jisung by her side–constantly. 

When he sets his sights on Gwen and Jisung, Gwen is leant up against the wall and Jisung is basically hopping in place beside her. A concerned frown is etched into Gwen’s face and Jisung is doing his best, albeit not very well, to cheer her up. 

“Gwen, Jisung!” Seungmin calls out as he soon stops in front of them. 

Gwen stands instantly, her concerned frown now in a forced smile. “Seungmin, what’s up?” 

“Mina told me Y/N left, do you know where she went? 

Gwen’s face fell as she turned to look at Jisung. Jisung rubs the back of his neck. 

“She left, she’s catching a train back to the city…” Jisung explains. 

Gulping, Seungmin nods his head slowly. 

“If you go now, you might be able to catch her, but you have to be quick.” 

Seungmin perks up and nods his head quickly. The hopeful smile soon appearing back on his face. “Thank you.” 

Gwen takes a deep breath and slips her hand into Jisung’s and squeezes it lightly. 

“Do you think he’ll get there in time?” Gwen asks, her eyes lingering on the space where Seungmin once was.

Jisung squeezes her hand back, “we can only hope.” 

“Yeah, lets hope.” Gwen slips her hand away from jisung’s grasp and makes her way back into the crowd. Leaving Jisung alone, staring at her with a small frown on his face and his heart missing the warmth of her hand.

Seungmin gasps for breath as he rushes out of the lobby of the hotel. Resting his hands on his knees, he frantically looks around to try and find a sign of you. However, no matter where he looked nothing seemed to appear. 

Feeling the vibrations from his phone in his pocket. He fishes it out and a text alert from Mina appears on his screen. 

Annoying Sister: 5:01 pm

She’s at central station, it leaves in an hour… Good Luck!

Seungmin smiles to himself. It’s the exact sign he needs to keep going.

→→

The small ding comes from your phone as it confirms the payment for your train ticket. Slipping it into your pocket, you smile sheepishly at the ticket attendant and take the printed-out tickets from his hands. 

With a small thank you, you take your suitcase and let it trail behind you as you slowly start to make your way over to an electronic sign board to look to see which platform your train would be leaving from. 

You were lucky enough to only have to catch one train back to the main city and from that station, you could easily catch the bus back to your apartment. Sure, it would be a long journey, especially by train, but you’d rather that than have to potentially face another awkward encounter with Seungmin after everything that had happened that morning. 

Stepping up onto the platform, you find an empty seat and pull out your phone frowning at the notifications on your lock screen. 

Gwen<3: 5:15 pm

Are you sure you want to leave? You can still ride with us in the morning…

y/nnie: 5:45 pm

Yeah, It would be best. I just don’t know if I could cope with facing him again.

Gwen<3: 5:46 pm

Okay:/ just make sure to get home safe okay? 

Angling your phone up, you try to smile as you take a quick selfie to send to her. Not really caring what it looked like, you hit send and exit out of the messages app. Pulling up the gram, you scroll through your feed, randomly liking pictures posted by the few idols you liked, the random meme pages you followed and even some distance friends you had from school that you never bothered to unfollow. 

You pause, however, when a photo of Mina and Chan appears on your timeline. In the photo, they’re gazing into each other’s eyes, loved-up dopey grins spread so wide across their faces that it reached their eyes. The caption reads three cheers for true love, and your heart can’t help but strain. 

You couldn’t help but think of Seungmin and regret– not the time you spent together, but how you spent it together. It was like a moment, and it passed by so quickly without you even stopping to think about it. How, in the beginning, you didn’t want to face him, but you found yourself getting caught up with him the moment he set his sights on you. 

You wished you could go back, but it was too late. It was too late to change what had happened. You wished you could live in this fantasy of the weekend forever. You wished you could stay beside him and lay in his arms forever. 

But the moment you would step foot on the train, everything would go back to the way it was– like nothing ever happened. There would be no Seungmin, there would be another weekend of laying in his arms and enveloping yourself in his being. 

It would go back to the daily torture of university and job searching. You would go back to wishing that you and Seungmin could be more than whatever you were. 

Wishing you could go back and relive the weekend.

Seungmin’s leg bounces up and down anxiously as he’s sat in the back of the taxi cab. Silently praying that the damn driver would just hurry up already. Cursing him out mentally for not realising how much of an emergency this was and how bad Seungmin needed to get to the train station. 

All luck seems to turn on Seungmin apparently when the cab comes to a sudden halt and a choir of car horns ring out around him– including the one from the cab he’s in. 

Leaning forward, he peers through the front window. “What’s going on?” 

“I dunno,” the driver shrugs, tapping on his steering wheel. “Traffic jam or something.” 

“How far away are we from the train station?” 

The driver looks back at him with an odd look on his face, but speaks when he sees how frantic Seungmin is. “Like ten minutes if you run?” 

Digging cash out of his wallet, Seungmin throws it at the driver before hopping out of the car at lightning speed and a keep the change falling from his lips. Ignoring the way the driver is calling after him, Seungmin is too focused on running through the packed-up street. His deep breath and the sounds of his hands hitting cars as he’s sliding through the gaps to get onto the sidewalk fill his ears. 

Seungmin is sure he’s never ran so fast in his life, but as the train station comes into view, it only pushes him to run faster. 

He pushes through the crowds of people and up to a ticket guard, his words spewing out of his mouth with little care. He haphazardly pays, grabs the tickets and runs over to the signboard.

When he finds your platform on the map, all he can do is hope he gets there on time. 

Your eyes linger on the signboard overhead of the platform as the minutes until your train arrives slowly tick away. A sudden dread fills your stomach and it’s like your body is screaming at you not to go. 

Your mind and your body still burn with the memories of Seungmin’s touch, How after one night, it was like your body became more dependent– more addicted to his touch than you had ever experienced. 

A bubble got caught in your throat as the overhead announcer called out about the arrival of your train. Your stomach drops.

You’re not ready to go back to normal life. You’re not sure if you’d ever be ready to go back to a life without Seungmin. All of your being was calling out for him– calling out for a sign to stay, for a reason to stay.

But when nothing seems to answer, you round up your bags and watch as the train slows and pulls to a stop in front of you and after a moment or two, the little buttons lit up to show it was now okay to open the train doors. 

The stinging feeling prickles your eyes as you stare at the now-open door. This was it, the return back to reality.

You lift your suitcase onto the train and step on after it. You don’t bother to attempt to wipe away the tears that fall from your eyes, not when the ones you wipe would instantly be replaced. 

A voice you recognise instantly calls out from the platform.

“WAIT!”

Seungmin just barely gets onto the train as the doors close behind him. His face is red and he’s gasping for air. 

“S-Seungmin…” You blink, your mouth agape. “What are you doing here?” 

Once he’s caught his breath, he stands up straight and looks you straight in the eyes. 

“I’m here for you,” he declares. “I’m here to talk to you.” 

You continue to look at him, waiting for him to continue. 

However, before he gets the chance, the train stutters into life, causing you to fall into Seungmin’s chest, his arms wrapping instantly around you for protection.

Pushing your lips into a thin line, you stare up at him, your heart hammering against your chest. “Say what you were going to say, Min,” 

His gaze on you softens as he takes a deep breath. “I care about you,” he exhales. “A lot.”. 

Humming, you nod. “I care about you too.” 

“No, it’s… it’s more than that.”

Seungmin opens his mouth, closes it and opens it again. It’s like he’s bringing up all of the courage he needs to say what’s really on his mind. Especially when it was too late to back out now– not that he even wanted to.

He wanted to say everything he had to say, he was going to say it.

"I've been waking up daily for the past three years wishing I could take back what I said, wishing I could take back everything. But then you were at the wedding and it was like a chance to spend time with you, to relive and to act like we were back then. It was like I was given a chance to make things right by some creature above.” Seungmin pauses, he brings up his hand to lightly brush some of your hair out of your face. 

“Min…” You start, but he shakes his head before you can even continue. 

“Wait, let me finish first?” Seungmin says as more of a question than a statement. You just nod, a small smile playing on your lips.

“I wasn't lying when I said it wasn't just a moment between us. It wasn't just a moment back then, either, and I was so stupid for running and hiding, calling it a passing moment when I knew fully well that it wasn't. It never was and it never will be. Please just… let me prove it to you.” 

You feel your heart quicken in pace as he continues his speech. His eyes are so full of love and sincerity that you don’t know how to cope. 

What Seungmin didn’t seem to know was he already had your heart, he had it ever since your senior year. 

After everything, he still meant everything.

“I was an idiotic teenager who didn't know how to face or even acknowledge what I wanted. I can't go back and change that and I’ll forever regret how I made you feel back then, but I know now I don't want to make that same mistake again, I don't want to lose my chance to be with you again. So please, can we start over?” 

His hands rest on your cheeks, making sure you’re staring into his eyes as he says his next words:

“Because Y/N, I don't just want you for tonight or for the weekend… I want you forever. ”

[sapphire11]

all the words you didn't mean for me to hear

Part 2 of 'Secret Messages' a Break up era Tarlos fic Read Part 1 Here

Hello Again Everyone! Still posting this fic in 'mini' parts here on tumblr before releasing the whole thing on ao3. (still mostly because I need some encouragement and validation despite not feeling ready to publish it yet there and you all have always been supportive) Think of this as a little gift for being wonderful followers/mutuals 💛

Counting this as my Seven Sentence Sunday (Sneak Peak Sunday in my world) Thanks so much for the tags @ramblingdisaster73 & @ravens-words

Thank you to everyone who reached out with encouragement and kind words on the last part! (let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for this fic or my Tarlos fics) @chaotictarlos @firstprince-history-huh @bubblesandroses8

We could lose him.

His own voice echoes in his mind as he shoves open the door to the stairwell. 

We could lose him.

His own voice is too loud in his head. Drowning out all others. Nancy’s reassurances, Captain Vega’s attempts at hopeful optimism. They’re all lost in the terror that grips him by the throat.

We could lose him.

His own voice shaking with fear that he doesn’t want to feel anymore. He needs to feel something else. Anything else. So he collapses on the top step of the stairs and roughly pulls out TK’s phone, headphones coming with it.

We could lose him.

His own voice echoes and he needs to drown it out with another.  

Hey babe … shit. Let me just …. *background noises, buttons being pressed rustling … 

Hey Carlos.

He turns and settles his back against the wall, knees drawn up to his chest, closing his eyes and allowing TK’s voice to block out everything else. 

How are you? I hope you’re doing okay. Nancy let me know that she’s still in touch. I’m glad; even if I think she only told me because she’s trying to get more information out of me about why we … well about what happened.

I hope that you are letting our friends be there for you. They’ve been trying to be there for me. Even as scattered as we all are at work. Paul still texts. Marjan sends me funny memes. Mateo begs for Marvel movie nights every time we have a night off together. It’s not the same, but it’s something. Plus, Doctor Matterson has been telling me to lean into those friendships; to that support. It helps. Sometimes.

On one hand it is worrisome that TK is so freely admitting that he’s struggling in these messages. On the other hand, he is grateful that TK still in some way was turning towards him, trusting him with the truth of his feelings. Of course he wishes that he’s trusted him at the time, but he knows how much it must have cost TK to admit this even in a message. He knows how even saying the words out loud can feel like you are giving them power over you. 

At the same time, he thinks about the way he pushed everyone away during the breakup. He didn’t want them to have to choose, he wanted TK to be able to vent and have people that were safe, away from Carlos, as TK seemed to want to keep them apart. He should have had more faith in his ex, in TK, in person he has always known him to be. Of course he’d want Carlos to have the same support, and of course he wouldn’t tell them anything. 

Other times it honestly just makes me miss you more. But I’m trying and I hope that counts for something.

It counts for everything, because if only in this hollow, cold, hospital stairwell, Carlos can admit that he didn’t try. He just gave up. Let the anger build inside him until there was nothing left to do, but to pretend to forget. To pretend to move on.

Just wanted you to know that I’ll be okay. That you don’t have to worry, because I know you. I want you to be okay too, so take care of yourself Carlos. Let our friends be there for you; it’s the least you deserve.

It’s the least you deserve

Those words burn into his mind, like the flash of light when you look directly at the sun. They’re all he can hear for a long time. 

He knows that TK left this message months ago. That he was alluding to the fact that Carlos doesn’t deserve to deal with what TK would call his ‘fucked up brain and mess’. But listening to this message now, it almost feels prophetic. It is as if TK is telling him that there is no other choice, but to lean on their friends.

If the worst comes to pass and TK doesn’t come back to him, he’ll try to take care of himself, for no other reason than because TK asked him to. Asked him in some stupid message recorded months ago in the middle of a communication drought, but it feels important. Moreover, it feels like the truth. TK asked him to take care of himself and now there might be no other options. 

TK’s wisdom about leaning on their friends propels him back towards the ICU waiting room. He finds Nancy and Tommy in the same chairs he left them, only now Mateo and Judd have joined them. 

“Hey man.” Judd nods, he’s the first one to notice him, and as he shifts off his spot leaning against the wall, Carlos freezes in place. Despite being compelled to come back, and feeling the itch to follow through with TK’s plea of letting their friends be there for him, he feels out of place. It’s been so long since he occupied the same space as all of these people that mean so much to TK, and it’s impossible to ignore the real reason why they’re all here together now. 

Judd watches him carefully, slowly making his way over with the look born of way too much knowledge surrounding grief. Carlos finds himself engulfed in the warmest hug he’s felt in a long while, the older man’s arms wrapped completely around him, shielding him for just a moment. When Judd pulls back and pats a hand on his shoulder, the look of understanding on his face brings tears to Carlos’ eyes. He can’t stand to look at it anymore as he turns towards the rest of the group who are doing their best imitation of not watching the spectacle. 

“Hey Carlos,” Mateo greets him with the least amount of exuberance he’s ever heard from the kid and a soft, careful hug. “We’ve missed you man. Just wish –” he stutters, a shifty glance thrown in the direction of TK’s room. 

“Me too, Mateo,” Carlos offers, “Thanks for coming. I know TK would appreciate it.”

“We’re here for you too.” The fierce insistence in Mateo’s voice is a clear holdover from other times. From months of Carlos’ absence in not just TK’s life, but all of these people’s. For the first time since the break up Carlos allows himself to feel the grief of the loss. The weight of it pulls him down and he sinks into the chair between Nancy and Tommy. Allowing them to take his hands in theirs again, except this time he doesn’t pull away. 

Mateo and Judd excuse themselves sometime soon after that, with mentions of needing to get some rest before starting a new shift early tomorrow. It’s a stark reminder that the world outside the walls of this hospital marches on. He wishes he had the power to slow it down, prevent the inevitable ending that hangs over him.

“Want to go grab some coffee?” Nancy’s voice breaks through his dark thoughts and he meets her gaze before turning towards the room that holds his heart. He knows what he wants to do. 

“I’m gonna go sit with TK.”

He feels Nancy follow his gaze and her hand landing on his shoulder. “I’ll grab you something,” she promises as they both get up and without a second glance he’s striding up to the door to TK’s room. Nothing has changed since the last time Carlos entered this room, the quiet slide of the door opening allows for the sounds inside to reach his ears. His heartbeat kicks up at the too slow, unsteady rhythm of the heart monitor. It brings him back to nights laying tangled up on the couch with TK, fingers and lips finding pulse points. The always higher than average beat of TK’s heart, that Carlos took great pride in making speed up with a well placed kiss. 

As he settles into the chair next to the bed, the hiss and click of the ventilator surrounds him. Wrapping around him like a noose, cutting off his access to the very thing that gives him life. It’s not air though, no that thing is TK, his liveliness, his energy, everything that makes up that man Carlos loves. Desperate to hear something else, besides everything that is wrong, he pulls TK’s phone out of his pocket. 

Opening the app he thinks how it’s better to listen to these now, while there is still hope, rather than later when they’re the words of a ghost. 

November 6th, 2021

Hey Carlos, is it weird if I tell you I saw you on a scene today? Probably. Sorry. You looked good. Really good. I’m glad you seem to be doing okay. 

Startled at the thought that he looked good at any time during the break up, Carlos tries to remember what shift that would have been, but the days blur together in his memory. He’s suddenly sad that he can’t remember the last time he saw TK at a scene before the disastrously awkward meeting earlier that day. 

Doctor Matterson has been encouraging me to reach out, try to talk, but I haven’t told her that I walked out and then ghosted you. I did tell her that I definitely don’t have the right to come waltzing back in, now that I finally have some shit figured out.

She says that having the conversation might do us both some good. Help us move on. Find closure. I think that it’s just easier to keep the door as firmly shut as that day I walked out. Am I a coward for that, probably, but at least I’ll survive to tell the tale. 

Move on. Find Closure. Survive to tell the tale. 

He wonders why TK’s words always land like an arrow to his heart. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to move on after this. Find the closure that TK alludes to in his message. He wonders if TK felt like he was finding closure all those months ago, or if he was just pretending like Carlos was. 

The anguish he feels hearing TK tell him that he thinks it would be better to keep the door shut. That TK forgot he held the key to every door Carlos ever had, all he had to do was come back, be there, talk, and Carlos wouldn’t have kept him out. 

Mind whirling, the sounds of the medical equipment grow louder again and Carlos clicks the next message.

November 8th, 2021

“Hey. So I’ve been keeping busy.  

TK’s voice floats over him as he stares unseeing at the body lying in the bed, unconsciously he closes his eyes, imagining the voice is coming from the man himself. 

Work has been good. Steady.

Scaled down to therapy twice a week. Meetings. I’ve been trying. 

Some days I think it’s working, but then I remember how good we had it before and how that blew up in my face. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m okay. That I’m not giving up. 

It’s such a short message, but the tone of the message is different from all the previous ones. The tone of TK’s voice pitched up, an attempt at lightheartedness. It’s not quite sincere, but there is a flicker of truth underneath it, like TK maybe had started to believe some part of what he was saying, that he wasn’t giving up. 

Carlos longs to reach out and take TK’s hand now, to beg him to keep fighting, to not give up. Old insecurities hold him back, but he moves the chair a bit closer, the legs scratching loudly across the floor, and then he leans closer still as he hits play for the next message.

November 10th, 2021

Dad left. Said he was sorry he couldn’t do more for the 126 and just ran away into hill country. I want to be so mad at him, until I remember that running is exactly what I do, did, have done. I don’t know. Some days it sucks to be a Strand.

And just like that all traces of hope are washed away again. Sucked out by the force of Owen Strand’s distinct lack of ability to be what TK needs when Owen himself is struggling to not be the hero everyone else sees him as. Anger stirs in the pit of Carlos’ stomach at the reminder that no one has been able to reach Owen since TK was admitted. That he’s not here now when TK needs him, and that he apparently hasn’t been for a long time. 

It’s a kick in the gut that despite TK’s own words several messages ago that Owen could tell he wasn’t doing well, the man still couldn’t face being just what TK needs if he couldn’t be what he wanted. 

Mom’s been trying to get me to go visit her. She’s got Jonah and can’t travel, otherwise I know she’d be here right now. She’s worried. She’s also pissed, I heard her yelling at dad through the phone. It didn’t change anything though. 

Nothing really ever changes, does it? At least not the things that matter.

The words are a clear contradiction to who TK is at his core. TK has never believed in permanence of situations/people/feelings, sometimes to the detriment of believing that nothing good ever stays, but he always believed that things could change. 

Once, TK had told him that ‘nothing ever stays the same’ and now he’s saying that ‘nothing ever changes’. He supposes the sentiments aren’t necessarily the same, but the lack of hopefulness in the words blankets him. Even at his most wary, even when he was pushing and pulling Carlos in every direction, TK never completely disregarded the possibility of things changing. 

In the beginning TK had told him he wasn’t ready. Not that he wouldn’t ever be ready.

Before the solar storm TK told him that he needed to figure out himself before he could figure them out. Not that he would never be willing to figure them out.

With Carlos’ parents, TK promised to be whatever he needed, until he was ready because, nothing ever stays the same and he had faith in Carlos being ready sometime. 

After the fire the number of times TK comforted him by reminding him that living with Owen wouldn’t be a forever thing, that things change. 

During their last fight TK had shouted that he knew it wouldn’t last, that nothing ever stays the same. At the time it had just hurt to hear those words that Carlos once took reassurance from used against him. Now he is hit with the realization that TK hasn’t had anything permanent. He hasn’t had anything stay for him, not his parents, not his sobriety, not his love.

Carlos wants to be the one to change that. Same as he always has, but now with a new understanding of why TK doesn’t believe happiness will last. 

With that thought he clicks play on the next message.  

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

What is your honest opinion of Ojiro? I think the fandom does unfair things to him.

Mashirao is an interesting one. Often considered THE most side character of 1-A by the fandom, I really only started paying attention to him when I was doing research for a fanfic. Out of all the characters, I think he has one of the strongest introductions, but one that can easily go unnoticed. In the USJ, we see him taking out a group of villains all on his own. Sure, Shoto did too, but Shoto’s got an insanely powerful ice quirk. Meanwhile, Mashirao’s only got his tail, which does have some superhuman strength, but isn’t a quirk you think of when it comes to soloing a group of other quirked users, even if they are canon fodder. He’s also a martial artist, which alongside everything else I’ve said, made me think we were getting character development with him. He’d be the perfect character to showcase the life of someone who doesn’t have the best quirk but worked their ass off to get to the hero course.

Sadly, Hori doesn’t do much with him, and as such, he ends up being one of the most forgettable characters in 1-A.

Now, why people dislike him comes from no fault of his own, but from one Hitoshi. Mashirao is an honor bound individual and this is what caused him to drop out of the Sports Festival. One can debate whether his type of honor is a positive or negative trait, but the reason he dropped out was cause Hitoshi brainwashed him, something which Mashirao does not appreciate and has hampered his opinion on Hitoshi. Like I’ve said in a previous post of mine where I went over why I hate Hitoshi, had Hitoshi done this to Mashirao while they were on separate teams or facing off in the finals, I’d have no issues here. In fact, Mashirao would be immature to hold a grudge against Hitoshi. However, Hitoshi brainwashed Mashirao when they were teammates without his permission nor did he give him a chance to actually respond. He then used him as an easy ticket to victory. I’d be rightfully pissed too if some twat walked up to me, asked to be on the same team as me, and before I could even respond, they used my body for their benefit. Again, if they were on different teams, I’d have no issue with it. But nope, Hitoshi didn’t do that. Sadly, his fans have seen Mashirao’s rightful distaste for Hitoshi, saw he was someone who respects honor, and made him to be the bad guy. “He’s so honor bound that he thinks Hitoshi’s quirk isn’t honorable”. “Hitoshi had to brainwash him to make up for the disadvantage he has in life”. Problem is these excuses don’t work for the reasons as I’ve listed in this post and on my previous post about Hitoshi.

In conclusion, Mashirao was a character I was expecting to have a relatively big role in regards to showcasing life with a quirk that isn’t flashy or powerful, but was shoved to the side. Admittedly his placement as 1-A’s most forgettable character is deserved as both his design, quirk, and personality are overshadowed by MHA’s selection of colorful characters. However, the fandom took his one notable trait, his value of honor, and blew it to proportions that make him look bad all while ignoring the completely valid reasons for him disliking Hitoshi all cause they think of Hitoshi as “UwU sadge emo child who was unfairly treated by the world”.

Here the post about Hitoshi btw as it’ll help people understand this post more:

[okthatsgreat]

HEY @shsl-roomba I WROTE OUT A WHOLE REPLY TO YOUR QUESTION AND THEN TUMBLR DECIDED NOT TO PROCESS IT LMAO! and then when i tried again it deleted the entire ask so </3 Um!

im gonna copy and paste here THE ORIGINAL ASK WAS ALONG THE LINES OF "how would your ocs react during the tragedy (if they weren't remnants?)"

you guys are being so nice asking these questions btw this shit is like cocomelon 2 me

YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alright SO!!!!!! this list is going to be decided based on how likely they are to survive in an apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic scenario IGNORING the possibility of them becoming remnants................ i reckon despair still definitely has a say in all of this just because of the nature of this catastrophe but i will try avoid them becoming "remnant-like"/evil if that makes sense !!!!!! ALSO this is ignoring the possibility of them getting like. nuked or smth

FROM MOST TO LEAST LIKELY TO SURVIVE!!!

• sae: knows how to survive off of very little, lives in a (mostly-- her afi is still alive and kicking probably!!!!!!) secluded fishing shack off of the coast of iceland where the nearest town is like a forty minute drive. she is (as her ultimate would suggest lol) an extremely skilled fisherman and sailor, so should it REALLY come down to it she could man a solo ship into the ocean for a few weeks and be totally fine. not only that but she is remarkably well adjusted to this life already and will have little difficulty adjusting should a catastrophic event hit the majority of the population. sae is fine with seclusion, very physically strong in the rare chance somebody does attack her in person, knows how to live off of the ocean, and lives far away from heavily populated areas. honestly disregarding the loneliness that will definitely start creeping in on her and having to deal with people dying all across the world she will be so fine gfjhkdghksfhfdgdfjk. she would be more than happy to keep her and her afi safe, and maybe the occasional wandering survivor should they approach with good intentions

• naomi: sae is the outlier in that i know for a fact she would be extremely likely to survive, but EVERYBODY ELSE on this list has a much higher percentage of getting themselves killed LMFAO. that being said, naomi has been a bit of a survivalist for most of her life and is definitely scrappy enough to make her way around. now when i say "survivalist" i don't mean she's like. a hunter or knows much about outdoor living, which is definitely a disadvantage for her, but she's survived periods of time with limited/no food or shelter. obviously this wasnt an apocalyptic scenario but she could definitely apply some of her knowledge she's gained from that time!!! it would be hard to catch her, so if she were to get herself killed it would probably be because she seriously fucked up somewhere along the line or she died of hunger/freezing. AND ALSO IMPORTANTLY naomi is not the most headstrong character and despair is certainly just as much of a threat to her as other people are. paranoia could be helpful in some cases in keeping her safe but it will really end up damaging her in the end, not to mention other people if they ever manage to run into her. likely wouldn't hang out in a group (but honestly i could see it in an au that is nicer to her lol. a group of like four or five that takes her in and tells her to chill the hell out)

• erin: NOW I KNOW SHE SEEMS REALLY HIGH UP ON THIS LIST so let me start off by saying a few things. number one the jump in survival rate has SERIOUSLY plummeted from naomi to erin, like they are NOT in the same realm of conceivably surviving LMFAOO. number two while in any normal apocalyptic scenario erin would suffer, i can really really clearly see one scenario where she ends up being ok. like in a normal scenario she would really have to toughen up and drop the pippy act immediately (which, if push came to shove, she could), and while she isn't extremely strong or knowledgable about survival she is very ruthless. despair would hit her like a TRUCK at first, mostly because her entire life was dedicated to that kids show of hers that is now gone forever along with most of its audience, but once she gets over that (IF she does) she would absolutely grow a backbone and help out. does that mean she survives??? not necessarily. but in the event she does end up getting over the despair she would likely join a group of some kind and help out in any way that she can. ALSO. I KNOW THIS IS KINDA CHEATING SINCE TECHNICALLY THE EVENTS OF ULTRA DESPAIR GIRLS IS "AFTER" THE TRAGEDY. but if we are considering those events then erins survival rate just shot wayyyy up because i can really see the kids of towa city taking a liking to her due to her children's show and just kidnapping her as a second servant LMFAOOOO. some kinda jester even. and ohhhh my god she would get so fed up with nagito. she survived a whole tragedy and reshaped her entire personality only for THIS asshole to give her grief good fucking lord

• ryobe: ryobe is a lot more cunning than he first seems, and while he knows nothing about survival or fighting (should it come down to it which it likely will), he could reasonably work his way up in a group of survivors. while his refusal to relent his goofy personality in such an upsetting situation would definitely earn him quite a few enemies, it probably DOES help him to get through a lot of the trauma in general. unfortunately it is also very likely his downfall as well. he doesnt have this "whole world gets ripped out from under him" moment like erin does and when he finally does realise he needs to get a bit of a grip it is wayyyyy too late. he would really piss off a lot of important people and in an apocalyptic scenario where everybody is extremely paranoid you need to be able to resolve conflicts in a peaceful manner. and the second he gets kicked out of a group (if he even MADE IT to one in the first place) its OVER. he can not survive on his own, both mentally and physically

• mika: she's got more of a grip on reality than ryobe does but she doesn't have any particular skills that will cause her to excel in this scenario. can't fight, not particularly charismatic, not particularly cunning. it really all comes down to luck and she famously does not have a great track record with this

• yoshito: a huge softie with, unfortunately, zero relevant skills. he either goes mad or dies before he gets the chance to. i cant see a scenario where he ever fights back like a few of his classmates with similar strength would, he isn't very fast, and he is not equipped to handle loneliness. the only thing i could possibly think of that he could use is his knowledge of certain shelters and food banks, but ALL of them are likely to get targeted in an apocalypse like this so he's pretty shit out of luck in general lol. he'd stay hopeful for as long as he possibly can, but i can't really see him making it super far. best case scenario he becomes a future foundation member

• rie: nothing in her life had prepared her for this and i really don't think she would make it. while she would probably have a "whole world gets ripped from under her" moment like erin did she would not adapt quickly and even if she did push through she is not nearly as ruthless or determined to survive. physically weak, probably losing her mind a bit and letting that charismatic side of her slip, and has no clue how to find food or shelter. not to mention the lifestyle adjustment would also be extremely jarring for her as well, even if she is probably more adjusted to living on very little than most would expect of her. overall just cant really see it, in a beautiful world where everything goes right for her she might be able to pull herself out of trouble by the skin of her teeth

• billie: girl whose whole purpose is to be mid then die. family guy death pose................... TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and of course. andi computer

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