#these were actually difficult questions to answer not because they were like painful or anything but just like thinking about what to say

[gingersnaptaff]

15, 20, 26?

15. Comfort food?

For eating it's ozro with chicken stock and cheese. It's yummy! Love pasta. For making it's jam tarts. I love making pastry. Plus, it reminds me of my nain cuz she taught me how to make them when I was a tiny bean.

20. Tell us about a memory you hold close to your heart.

I am quite a sentimental bitch - as you may have guessed - but I love my uni graduation. It was really sad but also very fulfilling. Plus, they gave us free booze. 🤷🏻‍♀️

26. If you could live anywhere with anyone you want, where would it be and who would you bring?

I was tempted to be like 'medieval Wales lol!' but I quickly realised that if I did so then I would PERISH IMMEDIATELY. So... next best answer: Edinburgh. It's a big city with a lot of history and I also have family from there. As for who I'd take with me... hmm, that's tricky. Can I just add all my moots in a group chat and we can all go? I can bring a really cute dog with me.

[lottiies]

SHARED MY BODY AND MY MIND WITH YOU

→ Leon broke up with you because of his emotional baggage, not wanting to drag you down into his trauma-induced misery. He didn’t usually date out of his line of work anyway, he hated himself for involving himself with someone so innocent. But when he gets a voicemail at an awfully late hour and listens to it, he nearly broke driving laws to get to your place. He still loves you, that much is certain. Your body and mind are like a second nature to him

CW: MDNI, fem!reader, pwp, one sided breakup, angst, description of leon’s self guilt and sabotage, heavy mentions of marriage, centered around Leon rather than the reader, reconciliation, lovemaking–gentle sex, crying, very small religious snippet, he eats you out, unprotected p in v, implied aftercare + implication of a better future

WC: 5.3k

Note: i think…this is my favorite fic that i’ve ever written. breaking my pink blog theme with this and actually capitalizing letters um…i had to set the tone okay. i actually started working on this in january to cope with some things, but i didn’t make much progress until recently!! the title’s a lyric from the song ‘cruel world’

BOT VERSION HERE MASTERLIST

Leon has a rule: never get emotionally involved with anyone who isn’t in his line of work. The reason behind that is self-explanatory. It's too difficult to accomplish. All his baggage holds him down, and he’s always away for long periods at a time and then returns back with body aches all over and has to hibernate for a while. What does he truly have to offer?

He did it anyway.

You managed to romance him, granting him a fleeting glimpse of happiness and a chance at self-love. Lingering caresses, meaningful eye contact, soulful conversations, an audience to his jokes, the key to your heart — you gave him everything.

Breaking up with you was painful, the second it was all said and done and you were out of his sight, he broke down crying. That was what he deserved, that’s what his mind told him.

It was easy for Leon to disappear from your life, just as quick as the snap of his fingers. He was never around that much to begin with. Your efforts in reaching out to him were futile if he was halfway across the world dealing with another abrupt assignment, or if he fell back into the habit of nursing a drink in some run down bar without contacting a soul.

But no amount of alcohol could make him forget about you these days. The memories of you were too strong to be diluted.

“What about this one?” Curiosity had dripped from your question, your fingers gently feathered across the healed up scar on his left shoulder.

Leon was almost an open book when it came to you, he truly cherished honesty in any relationship, whether romantic or platonic. Guilt weighed on him for having to limit certain answers to only the surface details. It felt wrong; it felt like he was keeping secrets from you and keeping you in the dark. But it couldn’t be helped, not when you weren’t in the same line of work as him. Most of the contents of his work were confidential.

After all, at this point the two of you had only been dating for half a year. How could he burden your mind with the harsh realities of everything that wasn’t known by the general public?

The two of you were naked, tangled under the sheets. No sex or anything, simply getting familiar with each other’s bodies and exploring with gentle and cautious hands.

“1998, shot on duty.”

The memories were still fresh in his mind. People say that forgetting a traumatic event is common, people dissociate to cope and shield their brain. It was the opposite for Leon. All the screams plagued his mind like a damn mantra, no way in hell would he ever be able to forget anyone’s voice.

Either that, or his mind made up fantasies about what could’ve been between you both. Domestic bliss. Buying a house together. Shy talks about how many kids you guys wanted. The memories haunted him. He wanted it back.

He even bought a ring. A beautiful one that he was meant to display to you when he sunk onto one knee and popped the question that would hopefully bind the two of you for life. The one that he was supposed to fidget with whenever he held your hand as the two of you planned your wedding, whether it be simple, grand, or to elope.

He kept it safe even after he broke up with you, he couldn’t bear to throw it away because of the sliver of hope that maybe one day he’d still get the chance of putting it on your finger. He felt like a fool. Sometimes he opened the box up to reminisce. It tugged at his heartstrings when he saw how rough his own fingers were in comparison to the smooth metal, from his years of physical exhaustion and training. God, he wished your hands would never get all battered like his.

He thought about you so much that you were the star actress in his nightly dreams.

The worst ones were the nightmares, though. Like the one that had him turning in his sleep tonight.

It all replayed in his mind. Your facial expression when he broke up with you out of the blue — the way the smile on your face had faded into a frown, your glimmering eyes contorting into that of disheartened ones. The way you looked at him with such a concoction of emotions. The pitiful chuckle that escaped your lips along with a nervously spoken ‘what?’ Or maybe it was the prolonged silence afterwards that killed him. It felt like hours until he got a proper response from you, one that was drowned out by the drumming of his own heart and the pulse that formed in his ears.

Usually he got to the end of it, but tonight he was abruptly woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. A blessing in disguise, maybe. Regardless, he was a bit irritated, he had always been such a light sleeper.

“You’re kidding…” Leon let out a heavy sigh, trying to rub the sleep away from his eyes. He didn’t even want to answer, too tired to even think about the possibility of being called to the field. No way in hell did he want to be met with Hunnigan’s voice and some intel he didn’t feel like remembering.

He let the phone ring, and eventually, blissful silence filled the room again. If it was dire, he knew he’d get another call soon.

Instead, he heard his phone vibrate not long after. He muttered out a curse before reaching for his phone, seeing that a voicemail was left. He didn’t bother reading whose number it was. Christ, the message was 5:06 minutes long.

Whatever. He played it aloud, resting his forearm over his face as he listened in.

“Hey Leon, it’s me…”

Fuck.

He fully sat up on his bed, so quickly it could’ve given him whiplash.

“I miss you. Still think about you every day. I don’t know what I did wrong…you probably aren’t even listening to this. I just…I don’t know.” a sigh. “The clock hit 12 and um, well today’s the anniversary of the day you asked me out. Maybe you don’t remember. I think you do though, you were always good with dates.”

Leon knew the voice of a broken person when he heard it.

No. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to let you go and then you’d see how much life had to offer, how any other person could give you a better and more stable relationship.

How could you be hung up on a man like him?

It was instinctual. He shuffled out of bed, body reacting before his mind and reaching for a clean pair of clothes from his closet. He left the voicemail playing in the background, it filled his lonely house. His heart was racing so loudly he couldn’t even hear the sounds of the wind outside or the creak of the floor with every step. All he did was change and brush his teeth before he drove over to you.

Thankfully, the roads were empty and the highway was free of traffic or else surely he would’ve been pulled over.

Thinking rationally wasn’t necessary when it came to you, not when he just got punched in the gut with a load of nostalgia and gut wrenching heartbreak.

He has always been yours, even during the separation. His heart hammered within his ribcage when he pulled into your driveway, his body moving in a hurry out of his car and towards your door. No hesitation.

Knock, knock, knock.

Ten seconds felt like ten minutes, but eventually the door swung open.

Your pretty face filled the focus of his pupils, his expression softening. You looked like a deer in the headlights, gazing up at him with wide eyes.

Oh, my sweet girl. There she is.

His hands itched to reach for you, to hold you in his arms and spin you around, nuzzling his nose against yours like old times — like some romantic drama. He hadn’t watched one in a while, they reminded him too much of you. He shoved his hands in his pockets.

Leon's hair was messy. It was a sight you had seen many times: his bed hair. Those emotion carrying eyes of his were contrasted with the lifeless bags under them. He came over so damn quickly he hadn’t even taken the time to make himself look composed.

“Leon? What are you…” You couldn’t even finish your thoughts. You felt nothing yet so much at the same time, perhaps from the shock of it all. You brought two fingers to the pulse on your neck to make sure you were awake, and hadn’t somehow fallen asleep after your call and voicemail to him. The thundering pace of your pulse confirmed that you weren’t off in dream land.

“I got your voicemail,” He responded, sounding remorseful. “Had to make sure you were alright. Uh…can I come in?”

You continued staring at him like if he was some sort of supernatural being. If you reached your hand out to touch him, would he disappear? Or perhaps your limb would go straight through him as if he was transparent.

You snapped out of it and nodded. “Yeah, come on in.” Hesitation clouded your tone, not out of wariness but because you had no clue what the hell was going on. You hadn’t seen him in over a year, at least not in person, only through photos and videos you still had saved on your phone from when the two of you were dating (going through them was part of your nightly routine.)

“To be honest…I wasn’t expecting you to even hear my message.”

You stood there awkwardly as he entered, closing the door afterwards. Your apartment still smelled the same, a wave of comfort washed over him despite the circumstances, his eyes darting around at all your belongings. This was once his safe space, like his secret haven.

You sat on your couch, waving him over. Your legs felt like jelly, no way could you be standing for this. He followed, sitting on the couch cushion on the opposite side from you.

“My ringtone woke me up. I thought you were a coworker of mine at first but…I’m glad you weren’t.”

“Glad, really?”

“Yeah.” He gave no further context, at least for that minute.

Silence hung in the air, time became still. Either way, the shared glance between the two of you broke the tension, you were both thinking the same thing. Your minds were linked, seeking reconciliation, every circuit of neurons buzzing with your shared proximity.

He rested his elbows on his knees, running a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. Everything felt surreal, you couldn’t take your eyes off him, afraid he’d disappear.

“I’m…I’m sorry about the way I ended things.” There was a crack in his voice, he was so desperately clinging onto the ideology that he shouldn’t wear all his heart on his sleeve. He failed every time though, his words had wavered.

“I know.” You truly did.

“How?”

“Because I know you, Leon. It hurt, and I found myself wondering why you would just up and leave after what felt like such a meaningful time. But I didn't ever think you did it with mal intent.”

You should be demanding answers, hell, he could even take a few slaps to the face. Maybe his guilt ridden self preferred that to your sweet treatment. Did he even deserve to be met with your understanding? This self-pitying mindset he harbored is what had led to this in the first place.

“You’re right. I didn’t mean to hurt you, that’s the last thing I wanted to do.” Were his efforts in explaining himself getting across? “I thought it was better this way. I'm…broken.”

Trying to convince him that he isn’t ‘broken’ was futile, all you could do was beautify it instead. You scooted closer to him, clasping one of his hands between yours. “All you see are your faults, but I was seeing you entirely, not just for what you do in your job or the images that keep you up at night.”

His hands felt the same. Calloused in areas he couldn’t help like his knuckles and his palms, but well-kept in the nail department. He looked down at the physical contact, putting his other hand atop yours, his thumb grazing tenderly at your skin. Familiar territory.

“It’s hard not to.” He admitted, his eyes feeling glossy all of a sudden. “My job is my life, it drags into every other part of my life.”

“How did it drag into our relationship?”

He truly didn’t know how to answer that. The times he shared with you were the best experiences of his life. He finally got the chance to pull out his cardboard box full of romantic movies to watch with the lover he had been waiting for his whole life, you. Countless nights spent cooking together in your kitchen, full of laughter and playful bickering, and some harmless food fights. Grocery shopping together with laced fingers, just a sneak peek into domesticity. God, he yearned for its return.

“I don’t know. I constantly had to leave and got no vacation time either. Let’s see…I had to keep a lot of information confidential. It kinda screams ‘this’ll all make a girl run the other way.’”

How wrong he was, he ended up leaving before he could get abandoned, as if that would’ve happened, though, you never wanted him out of your life.

“That wasn’t true for me, Leon. I wanted to be with you. I just hope I wasn’t a burden on you.”

That hurt. A dull ache spread across his chest. He pulled you close, tucking you against his side.

“Don’t say that,” His instruction was soft spoken, his lips brushed against your cheek. You were never a burden, he always shut you out, thinking that his heart was full of thorns and you’d prick yourself if he let you get too close. That, perhaps his sorrow was contagious and his poison would flood your veins.

Words of comfort weren’t his strong suit, but he tried his best. He had to. “You weren’t a burden. Never were, and never will be, okay?”

It felt so good to have you against him, his gaze was set on you, searching for any indicator that you were uncomfortable. You leaned your shoulder against his shoulder though, nuzzling against him. Pensive silence followed.

Even with the somber undertones filling your apartment, your heart was bursting. He was here, back with you. Holding you like he used to do after you had a particularly stressful day at work, or when you had an argument with one of your close ones.

The long separation made familiar carnal desires spark to life, along with the itch to bring them to fruition.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You murmured to him, but your wavering voice caught his instant attention.

You were on the verge of tears, oh dear. If you started sobbing, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hold back from crying either.

Leon didn’t waste a second, pulling you onto his lap, one of his hands stroking the back of your head, his other arm wrapping around your back.

“What are you thinking about?” He needed to know. You had always been the most verbal, whereas his feelings usually showed on his face or body language.

“About how much I missed you.” You respond, running your hands up and down his arms, squeezing at his muscles. “And how unreal this feels. And…” Your eyes flicker down to his lips. “I wanna kiss you, Leon…and y’know.” Make love. “Like old times.”

Oh.

“Are you sure?” Leon hadn’t intended for the night to play out this way. He needed to make sure you were actually thinking straight with the pool of emotions you seemed to be drowning in. To be fair, he was drowning too.

It was midnight, your bodies burned for one another.

“I am.” You uttered those words with such finality, eyes set on him.

This wasn’t some impromptu longing for his physical connection, you had been craving it for as long as the two of you had been separated. To feel him in the purest and most tender way possible, nestled against one another and eliciting feelings no one else could.

The pads of his thumbs rub circles against the fat of your hips. He's looking up at you, his eyes are unable to hide a flicker of yearning and affection. Expressive, his pupils dilated and his eyebrows slightly raised. He blinked slowly, like a cat showing utmost trust to its owner.

He looks at you like he worships you (he does.) Get him on his hands and knees, he’ll mumble your name like you’re his god and he’s praying to you, all his sins out in the open and his scarred body for you to look over and judge. He’ll be vulnerable with you if that means you’ll forgive his wrongdoings and give him a second chance. You must be a merciful god, no doubt about it.

“Don’t look at me like that.” You murmured, cupping his face. His gaze was hypnotic, sending a wave of security down your body. It almost felt as if you traveled to the time before he shattered your heart into pieces of glass.

“Like what?” He couldn’t help it. Not like he had a mirror, anyway. His face was usually tense, brows permanently furrowed and eyes narrowed from being attentive all the fucking time, his lips a straight line, jaw anything but relaxed.

Not right now, though. Never with you. Everything in his body softened and loosened up around you. Well, with the exception of his dick but that was another matter.

“You know what I mean. Like…like you still love me.”

Leon didn’t know what to say. The words died in his throat while every fiber of his being wanted to say ‘I do.’ The same words he could’ve voiced out standing across the altar from you. His brain short-circuited.

His pause came across as ambiguous to you, to mask the pain, you kissed him. Like a chocolate on a hot summer day, he melted in an instant, turning to mush, holding one side of your jaw and matching your pace.

The two of you mingled like two puzzle pieces. Your chest was flush against his, one of your hands finding his hair and pulling on it, earning a drawn out groan from him. It went slow for the first five minutes, some occasional pull backs for breath, shy smiles in betweens, before going back in like the act of kissing was needed for your pulses to continue, your hearts beating as one.

“Mmph.” Your whimper made him shudder, oh how he had missed that noise. His other hand got a bit more confident, resting on the small of your back, moving up towards your ribs then back down, almost resting on your ass.

He felt a surge of heat settle in his groin, aching to give you all the pleasure you deserved, to make you feel cherished and known. To knock any misery out of your head and replace it with euphoric sparks and reassurance. To be one with you again, if you’d have him.

He pulled away from the kiss, his eyes fluttering open. “Bedroom?”

A nod from you was all it took. He didn’t let you get up, instead holding your ass as he stood up, his lips back on yours as he carried you to your bedroom like he owned the place. His mind still had the spatial layout, it worked out and he eventually placed you onto the middle of the bed oh so delicately.

You knew what was coming, already taking your clothes off in a haste as you heard his belt come undone, the sound of his taking his shirt off, and his boots being kicked off.

It wasn’t long until he was on you again.

Leon took his time to look at your body. He was all too familiar with it, knowing exactly where certain beauty marks were, or the places that were sensitive to even the slightest fan of his breath. His fingertips ghosted over your sides, sucking in a sharp inhale as his eyes roamed all over, studying you as if you were his muse and he was about to draw you. “So beautiful…”

His lips had traveled all across you once upon a time. Leon had a great memory, perhaps one of his best features, though also his downfall. At times like these, it comes in handy. It almost seemed like a hazy flashback to the nights he had you splayed on the bed, pressing his lips against your forehead and making it all the way to the sensitive skin of your inner thighs.

He wanted to mimic the memory. “Need to taste you. Can I?”

“God, yes.” You agreed in a heartbeat, body already feeling all tingly at the anticipation.

He littered open mouthed kisses from the middle of your chest, all the way down to your end of your stomach, making your body ignite with flames and mind flood with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. What day was it? Month? Year? You couldn’t remember, just desperately hoping this wasn’t some realistic feeling dream. You’ve had those too often, and if you woke up without him by your side, you felt like you would die from heartbreak.

He hooked his arms underneath your thighs to pull you close. His fingers dug into your thighs as he took another look at his favorite pretty cunt. He missed this. Missed you. Missed having you grind yourself against his face until he couldn’t breathe. Missed having his heart race from the angelic noises you blessed his ears with.

His nose pressed against your clit, applying light pressure as his tongue lapped at your slit, gathering the dew there. Geez, he really got right into it. Your eyes rolled back, your stomach tensing and your back arching. You could die right now by your (ex) lover’s tongue, what a way to go.

On the occasion that he opened his eyes, he’d look up at you through his light lashes — he swore you looked like an angel from his perspective.

“What is this? Your last meal on death row?” You were joking, but god…he really was making your mind go blank, he knew just all the right buttons to press.

“Oh, so you think I’m a criminal?”

Like always, you reached for his hair, pushing it back and hearing him growl out of contentment. He gave your clit gentle sucks before flattening his tongue against it and flicking it, his head moving side to side, repeating the process again and again.

One thing about Leon? He always found a way to turn you on by being vocal. His noises were muffled and sloppy but you could feel the vibration of all his whimpers and growls against you as he took his time eating you out. He was getting off to pleasuring you, and that fact alone made it so much hotter.

Your thighs were trembling, threatening to close in and squeeze his head. Leon placed one of his hands over your lower abdomen, applying light pressure with his palm and coaxing you into your orgasm.

It didn’t take you long to get there, you hadn’t felt a tongue on you in ages, he was your last.

“Leon, I’m—“

He already knew.

“That’s it, make a mess all over my face.” It sounded like a demand but instead it came across as a pitiful and desperate plea.

How many times had he been in this position? Lying on his stomach, your taste on his tongue, chin dripping with his drool and your wetness, feeling your body trembling…he couldn’t even count how many. But it was enough for him to know your body like no other.

He kept going even after your thighs started squeezing in on him, even with the way you unintentionally tugged at his hair enough to have him rutting against your sheets. He made sure to make your orgasm feel good, lapping at you all throughout until he heard a whine leave your lips and he felt you weakly push his head away — he didn’t want to overstimulate you and hurt you.

He finally took a breath, one that filled his lungs with satisfaction as he propped himself up on his elbows before sitting up. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling his blood pump south with the way you were still composing yourself, your legs twitching all cutely and your torso rising and sinking with each deep breath you attempted to take.

“Do you wanna…” Your eyes flitted down to the prominent tent in his pants, feeling a stirring in your stomach already.

“Do you?”

“Yeah. I mean…only if you want to.”

With his belt already in some corner of the room and his fly down, all that was left was discarding his pants and boxers down. He fished his wallet out and pulled a packet from it before doing so.

You were too distracted eyeing his now exposed dick, gulping. It had been a while. But a certain wrapper noise caught your attention. A condom. You had always been careful with him in the past, but you wanted him inside him without any barriers. To feel him entirely, his skin against your insides.

“Don’t, please?”

“But–“

“I need to feel you, Leon.”

“Already being a bad influence on me? What am I gonna do with you?” His jest was met with your roll of eyes, but the corners of your eyes crinkled, happy he was already comfortable enough to bicker a bit.

He pet your head, gazing fondly at you as he awaited your response.

“I just want to feel you as close as possible. I don't know how to explain it. You can pull out at the end…I dunno.”

You didn’t need to explain further, because he felt the same. He kissed your forehead, whispering “okay.”

Getting in between you and in position for missionary, he continued peppering kisses all over your face. He couldn’t hold back, he had so much to make up for, he owed you at least a thousand more. He pushed into you, a breathy moan leaving his lips, it felt like he had just entered the pearly gates. And the way your jaw hung open in a silent gasp told him you felt the same.

“You alright?”

“Mhm, keep going.”

“God, I missed you…” His thrusts made the bed creak, adding to the assortment of sounds of two bodies joined as one: skin against skin, high pitched gasps and occasional throaty groans, nails scratching against Leon’s back and leaving red marks in their wake, a subtle noise, but there nonetheless.

“Yeah? How much?”

“Too much. Could never get you outta my mind.” He admitted, burying his head against your neck to leave open-mouthed kisses all over, smiling when he felt you squirming. “Dreamt about you every night. Every…every morning I woke up, I thought you’d still be by my side.”

His response knocked the breath out of you, God if you could have him closer than physically possible, you would. This was the closest you’d be though, his tip hitting your g-spot, his body flush against yours, it was just the two of you in this never ending universe.

“Leon…Leon…fuck.” You called for him like you needed him to prevent you from crumbling.

He pinned one of your hands to the side of your head and laced his fingers between yours, his head remaining against your other side, raspy grunts and incoherent praises rumbling against your ear. He gently bit your earlobe, tugging at it and sending a shiver down your spine.

Despite all his self doubts, Leon knew how to love, how to send another person to cloud nine and make their head fuzzy with sheer euphoria. He wasn’t fucking you, he was loving you, there’s a clear difference.

His lips trailed to your jawline, eventually reaching your lips and initiating an uncoordinated make out session, the sound of dazed out whimpers and quiet growls mixing together perfectly.

He was getting there, his pace more erratic than before, his hand squeezing yours tightly. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbled against your lips, speaking in between rushed pecks. “Prettiest girl in the world.”

You managed to smile at that. “Yeah? Well you’re the prettiest boy in the world.”

You could’ve said handsome. Or hot. Or cute. But Leon was pretty, that was always the first thing that came to your mind. He was like a model, surely some agency would have tried to recruit him if he were actually in broad daylight more.

“Mm.” He liked the compliment. No more words were exchanged after that, he was focused on feeling you. Feeling the way you took all of him like it was nothing, clearly the two of you were physically made for one another.

There was no going back from this, Leon couldn’t bear the thought of getting a taste of happiness yet again and then falling back into a hopeless pit. He wouldn’t push you away again.

You were already sensitive from the way he had made you cum on his face earlier. You pulled away from his kisses, your head thrashing side to side against the pillow instead, your hips desperately bucking to meet his.

“Leon…”

“Just let go for me, you can do it.”

Moans ripped from your throat, your nails leaving crescent indents on his skin as your body writhed underneath him. Leon couldn’t take his eyes off of you as you came, his own stomach feeling tighter and tighter until he followed suit.

“I love you.” He let it slip at the very end, his mind too dazed and his emotions for you running at full blast. You would’ve replied if not for the way you were in awe, watching the way his eyebrows furrowed, his head tilted back, his mouth let out the raspiest grunts as he pulled out and came. Fuck, he couldn’t be real.

It was only then that Leon’s head cleared. He felt his heart sink to his stomach, had he said something wrong? The moment died down, he felt uncertain about how you’d react. Regardless, Leon took a moment to admire you in your flushed state before leaning down to kiss your head, then lying down beside you and pulling you to his side.

You were all dazed with his confession lingering in your head.

He still loved you. Maybe it was obvious, but hearing it aloud was a completely different feeling.

All the suppressed emotions between the two of you were being put on the spotlight. Your eyes brimmed with unshed tears, you tried to blink them away, but you failed.

Leon wished your eyes hadn’t gotten glossy and that your lips hadn’t tugged into a small frown. It made his heart physically ache. Heavy hearted, that’s what he felt like, swallowing to try to alleviate just how sore his throat felt all of a sudden. Guilt bubbled in his stomach because he knew he was the source of your tears.

He kissed away your tears, welcoming the salty taste of them.

He couldn’t tell you not to cry, he wasn’t in the position to. All he could do was reassure you instead, curling his hand into a fist before rubbing soothing circles onto your back as he watched you curl against him.

“Hey…”

“Sorry. I didn't mean to start crying. I just…you still love me? Did you mean that?”

“It’s okay. Just let it out, I'm here for you.” He had your head tucked underneath his chin. “And yeah…I never stopped.”

“I love you too.”

He wasn’t leaving this time.

Maybe that ring he held onto would find its true owner soon.

You, his sweet girl.

[princessbrunette]

i don’t think i’ve ever talked about what it would be like to go on a first date with rafe, so let’s.

only five minutes late, but that’s okay — he had to talk himself out of doing a line. he wasn’t nervous, no — at this point in his life rafe knew he was the man. he carried that demeanour with him everywhere which is what attracted you to him in the first place. it’s just that it pained him to do all the regular courting business. he was proactive as he’d tell you a million times — and if he already knew he liked you, and wanted you to be his, a first date just felt redundant. in short, he wanted to skip all the small talk and jump right into a relationship. rafe was an impatient man.

he knew the game though, and as he did actually want you to stick around — he’d play it.

he’s very gentlemanly. opens doors, tells you that you look stunning, tries to be subtle about flashing the rolex on his wrist. it starts to actually feel fun for him. you make him want to impress you, and usually he doesn’t care what girls think of him.

he takes you somewhere with alcohol and small appetisers. no, he’s not a creep just trying to get you drunk — he just feels it gets things flowing that tad bit quicker. he’s not wrong, because the “and uh, would the pretty girl like a drink?” with that silly little smile works like a charm, and one glass of wine deep and you’re leaning on your hand, hanging onto his every word, staring through your lashes with what can only be described as lust. it’s not your fault — it’s the wine, and rafe is an incredibly good looking man.

he gets bolder as the night goes on, which is nice — you get to see him get more and more open. asking to see his rings leads to comparing hand sizes, which leads to rafe making a not so subtle comment about how much thicker his fingers are, which leads to playing with each others hands in the centre of the table as you continue to talk the evening away.

“people usually ask basic questions on dates, you know to get to know eachother.” you grin, glancing up from where your eyes were fixated on the way his gold ring glinted in the low light.

“oh like, your favourite colour or some shit?” he drawls with his own smirk, knowing you’re both beyond the small talk.

“mm, maybe something more fun. give me a hypothetical situation.” you giggle, teeth clamping down on your bottom lip to stifle it as he shifts in his seat thoughtfully, leaning closer.

“alright, uh…” he scratches his cheek before landing on something and leaning in. you’re expecting perhaps the ‘what would you bring to a desert island?’ question, or something of the sort — so your eyes practically bulge out of your head when he confidently croons out a “if i got you pregnant tonight on our first date, would you keep it?”

he likes watching you stutter and stammer trying to find an answer to something so absurd. you’re not offended, no — the wine fuelled arousal has taken you way past that. just shocked at how suddenly the gentleman mask dropped, even if it was just for a moment. he shrugs, in a friendly way as he leans back. “totally hypothetical. i like to ask the difficult questions, you know? keeps things interesting.”

“i think keeping it after the first date would probably be a bad idea.” you’re all shy about it, like despite knowing what you’re saying is right — you can’t help but doubt yourself. the first of many moments like that with rafe cameron. he licks his lips thoughtfully, like there’s anything else to consider.

“hm. yeah, no. smart girl.” he nods, rubbing a coarse thumb over the back of your knuckles which nearly causes you to forget the conversation. you think maybe he saw the way your eyes involuntarily fluttered at the touch because he chuckles, low in his chest.

“why, were you planning on running?” you tease and he stares at you for a moment, lips curled up like he knows something you don’t.

“running? you’re not gonna be able to shake me, trust that.” it comes out with a jokey tone, but the way he pauses to take a slow drink makes you believe there’s some truth to it.

he drives you home because he’s only had one drink, always on the ball — and helps you out the car on your drive. he says his goodbyes all close and touchy with two hands gripping your waist looming over you, talking all quiet. you’re the one that initiates the first kiss — wanting so badly to invite him inside, but you settle for a kiss because if you do you know you’ll end up on your back — and you can’t bring yourself to do that on the first date. so a kiss it is, but you don’t hold back on rubbing at his chest and arms, pressing your tits to him when he pulls you closer. he even notes how easy it was to make you let out the quietest moans just from a little kissing.

you’re the one who initiates the kiss, but he’s the first to put his tongue in your mouth, cupping the back of your head to hold you down and really get it in there. it’s taking you everything not to invite him in, panties soaked through — but you’re strong and choose to be dignified — staggering away on jelly legs as he smirks and wipes the gloss off his chin. he tells you he’ll text you, and he does. again, he knows how to play the game (and plus, he’s already obsessed.)

you would like to say that you wished things stayed like that, with rafe being gentlemanly for the most part and sweet — but you’d be lying. as rafe reveals his darkness to you, you fall harder and harder.

[catmiemy]

Another Chance to Live Part 2 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana has to play against her former club with your former team. You do your best to support each other and slowly become closer.

Part 1

A/N: It took me a bit longer to re-read and edit this than I thought since it made me emotional because of another transfer that I'm still in denial about 😭

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next part. I'm always happy to hear what you think or what you'd like to see in this story.

Just like you had hoped, Ana and you continued to hang out regularly. In fact you spent most of your days off together and even met up fairly often in the evenings, relaxing either at her or your apartment. More often than not you still couldn’t believe your luck that the Swiss woman actually liked being around you too.

You made sure to steer away from any deep topics though, keeping in mind that Ana preferred when you offered distractions when she seemed unhappy. It wasn��t always easy for you because you wanted to know everything about her and you longed to comfort the blonde when she looked at you with sad eyes. However you understood that she had other people, better friends, that she could talk these things over with.

On the other hand Ana with her sweet and caring nature always asked how you were doing and offered to listen to your problems the moment she picked up that something was bothering you. The desire to tell her everything was almost unbearable at times. You wanted to unload all the things weighing on your heart , well maybe not everything, you would never reveal your feelings for her, but other things like the situation at your club or with your family.

However you didn’t. You successfully kept yourself from spilling your sorrows to Ana. For one you didn’t want to burden the Swiss woman with your problems, she had enough going on without you adding to it. And also you didn’t want her to know that she was the only person you would actually feel comfortable opening up to. It was a painful reminder that Ana was so much more important to you than you were to her.

A few days before Atlético was due to play Barcelona in Madrid the two of you were hanging out again. You had cooked some food together and then settled down in front of the TV for the night. You could tell that the Swiss woman was having a hard time focusing on the show you were watching, even though she had picked it.

Ana kept sighing quietly and glancing over at you. You in turn did your best to distract her, offering up your thoughts about what you were seeing on TV. It was getting increasingly difficult not to ask the blonde what was going on.

‘She prefers a distraction. She doesn’t want to talk about it, at least not with you. What she wants from you is a distraction, so try to find some interesting or funny things to say for crying out loud!’ You reminded yourself over and over again.

You were searching your brain to find something good to say when Ana broke the silence. “Can I ask you something?” She asked timidly.

The insecurity in Ana’s voice took you by surprise, that was really unlike her. But you didn’t dwell on it; instead you quickly assured the Swiss woman that she could always ask you anything.

“Okay, so…It’s not really a question but a favor. And it’s totally fine for you to say no, don’t feel bad at all if you say no! Especially because it puts you in a bit of an awkward situation. You know what, I’m just now realizing how stupid and selfish this is and I just changed my mind.”

You reached out to place your hand on Ana’s thigh, hoping to comfort and calm the clearly agitated woman this way.

“Hey, don’t worry. Just ask me. I have no doubt that the answer will be yes,” you encouraged her.

There wasn’t a single thing you could think of that you wouldn’t do for Ana. Well maybe there were some things, most of them illegal in one way or another, but you doubted that the Swiss woman was going to ask for any of them.

Ana took a deep breath before rushing out her request, “Would you come watch our game this week? The idea of seeing all of my former teammates again really hurts and it would help me so much if I knew you were there. I understand that it’s a lot to ask because my team is your former team, so like I said…”

„Yes, of course I’ll come, it’s the least I can do,” you interrupted the Swiss woman.

Sure you weren’t too keen on going back to Atlético’s stadium and see all of your former teammates play together without you, but the simple fact that Ana asked you to come and even said it would help her, was enough to forget all about that. Who cared if it would make you a little sad? Who cared if maybe some people would come up to you and bring up the still painful transfer? You definitely didn’t, not if you had a chance to make the blonde feel better.

For some reason Ana seemed taken aback by your answer. “Wait what? It’s the least you can do? What have I ever done for you? If anything I owe you! You keep hanging out with me; you keep showing me amazing places here.”

You scrunched up your nose at the blonde’s words. It didn’t sit right with you that she made it sound like hanging out with her was a chore for you, not when it was the only thing that brought you any joy lately.

“But I love spending time with you!” You cried out, for once completely forgetting to add the obligatory ‘as a friend’.

A soft smile appeared on the Swiss woman’s face when she heard your words, as well as the indignation in your voice.

“The same is true for me,” she was quick to assure you, before focusing once again on her first question. She wouldn’t let you wriggle out of this so easily. “But seriously why do you feel like you need to pay me back in anyway? I don’t remember ever doing anything for you.”

Slight panic began pumping through your veins, as you scrambled to come up with anything better to offer up than ‘You hang out with me when you’re so much better than me and there are surely so many better people in your life that you could hang out with.’ That just wouldn’t do. It was one thing to be pathetic, but another thing to shout it from the rooftops.

“I didn’t really mean it like that. Just that I’m always happy to do anything for you,” you mumbled finally. This time you caught yourself however and quickly continued, “I love being there for my friends.”

Ana didn’t need to know that there was no one else on the planet you would do this for.

“Aw, you’re so sweet,” the blonde cooed, her compliment instantly making you blush. “And I hope you know that I’m always happy to do anything you need as well.”

You nodded instinctively, not believing it for one second. Not that you doubted that Ana would be there for you in a for a friend reasonable manner, but your commitment to her went way beyond that. There was very little the blonde could ask for that you wouldn’t do for her.

Thankfully the conversation moved on to safer topics after thi and you could relax once again. At least as much as you were ever able to relax around the woman you were hopelessly in love with.

---

When you walked to your seat in Atlético’s stadium a few days later you cursed yourself for agreeing to this. With every step you took it felt like the sadness inside of you grew, taking up more and more space until it was almost impossible to breathe.

This was supposed to be your stadium. Your teammates, former teammates you reminded yourself, had often called you the Alexia Putellas or Leah Williamson of Atlético Madrid. Someone that practically bled their team’s color, born and raised there, and honestly set on dying there too.

Not that you had ever been on a level comparable to Alexia or Leah, which had become painfully obvious when Aleti just dropped you like you were a piece of trash. You hadn’t told anyone this yet, but after that conversation you had seriously considered giving up football once and for all. The thought of playing anywhere else had been ripping you apart. But in the end the idea of not playing the sport you loved at all anymore had been even harder to bear.

You thanked your lucky star that you at least made it to your seat without anyone approaching you. At this point you weren’t sure if you would be able to keep it together if anyone spoke to you. Maybe the people around you could read as much on your face because you could definitely hear some whispering and felt a lot of gazes resting on you, but miraculously people kept their distance.

Although it was possible you were wrong about seemingly everyone watching you. You didn’t look around to check if the stares you could feel were actually real, instead you made sure to keep your eyes carefully trained on the pitch, avoiding making eye contact with anyone, which might inadvertently  give them the courage to come up to you.

So you sat there, totally rigid, every fiber of your body tense, wishing for the seconds to pass by as quickly as possible, but somehow that only made them crawl slower than a snail. Maybe you should just leave, come up with an excuse why you had to go. Was this really worth it?

You got your answer the moment Ana entered the pitch, looking around the stadium searchingly. The instant she spotted you a big smile appeared on the blonde’s face, all of the tightness leaving her body momentarily. 

Yes, this was worth it. Ana was worth this and so much more.

You kept thinking of the Swiss woman’s happiness and relief at seeing you when people got bolder during half time, walking up to you to tell you that they missed you at Atlético, that it wasn’t the same without you and that they would never forgive the club for their treatment of you. Empty words since they were here supporting them right now.

Not that you wanted them to turn their backs on the team. You understood having conflicting feelings, your own probably the most complicated of them all. Being back in this stadium you played so many of your games, made you furious and sad, but it also filled you with a longing to go back and brought about a sense of worthlessness. Why hadn’t you been good enough to keep around?

Despite Ana’s best effort to act nonchalant you saw the signs of her struggles clearly, even from the relative distance of the stands. So throughout the entire game you kept watching the blonde like a hawk, as if you could help her feel better about this by some sort of telepathic connection that required a laser like focus on your end.

This way you observed how tense Ana was when her former teammates hugged her, almost reluctant to accept the loving touches because she knew she wasn’t going to see them again anytime soon after this night. 

You also saw how lost the Swiss woman looked on the pitch when the game started. As if she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the fact that she was on the field with the Barça girls, but not as their teammate.

And you noticed that Ana avoided looking over to the traveling Barcelona fans until the game was finished, despite them chanting her name several times. Only once the final whistle was blown did she go over. It seemed impossible from your spot practically on the other side of the stadium, but you were sure you saw the Swiss woman holding back tears as she thanked them profusely.

You kept on watching while Ana talked with her former teammates. She smiled while chatting, but it was a smile filled with sadness. You briefly wondered if the Barça girls could see that as well. Did they even care? Even though you knew this wasn’t their fault at all, you felt an irrational anger towards them. How could they move on from Ana so quickly? They should have raised hell!

If you would have paid the Barça players any attention you would have seen the unhappiness and concern on their faces, clearly missing the Swiss woman a great deal. However your focus lay solely on the blonde.

The moment Ana disappeared into the tunnels, you also began making your way out of the stadium, keeping your head down and brushing off everyone that tried to initiate a conversation with you. They probably thought you were being rude, but you didn’t care. You were on a mission to get to Ana’s car, the agreed upon meeting point, as soon as possible.

If you would have stopped and thought about it for a second you would have realized that there was no way she would be there anytime soon. The Swiss woman still had to shower and stay around for the post match talk, so really there was no rush. Still, you hurried there as fast as you could.

And to be honest you also felt much more comfortable in the parking lot, an area off limits to the public, than in the stadium surrounded by so many curious fans. They had all been friendly and every single one that had spoken to you had stated that they were on your ‘side’, but nonetheless it was a constant reminder of your unwilling departure from your childhood club. And if it were up to you this subject would stay buried underneath heaps of pretending.

Therefore you worked hard to keep your mind away from your own dark thoughts while you waited for Ana, focusing instead on contemplating every possible emotional state the blonde could be in and how you could be a good distraction for her tonight. Because even though the two of you had to leave for your respective national teams tomorrow you had decided to spend the evening together, maybe even have a sleepover.

When the Swiss woman appeared, the first one from the team to get to the parking lot, she was a little out of breath and looked drained. Not physically, but emotionally. You debated giving her a hug, however Ana decided for you by walking directly towards the driver seat and slipping in without pausing for a second.

You assumed that she was just eager to leave, perhaps scared that one of her former teammates would catch up to her and would want to have a prolonged conversation. That was definitely something you were a little anxious about yourself with your own former teammates. Therefore the quick departure suited you just fine.

And when you caught a glimpse of some of your former teammates entering the car park as you drove off, you thanked Ana in your mind.

The truth was that the Swiss woman had actually done it for you. Throughout the night she didn’t have the same opportunity to continuously watch you as you had, but still she kept glancing over at you any chance she got. And Ana had noticed instantly that you didn’t feel comfortable, everything about your posture and your expression had screamed that you wanted to leave. So she had made sure to rush and get you out of there as quickly as she could.

During the car ride home you kept up a constant stream of light chatter, hoping that it posed a good enough distraction for your companion. Now that she was so close, you didn’t dare to outright stare at her like you had done during the game, but with some quick glances now and then you ensured that Ana looked mostly calm, not really happy though.

At your apartment you had everything waiting for a cozy movie night. You ushered Ana to sit down and relax, while you whirled around the apartment getting everything ready. It didn’t take long since you had prepared what you could before leaving for the game.

Once you sat down and flicked on the TV, turning to the Swiss woman with a slightly forced smile, you noticed that something wasn’t right. Ana was chewing her lips nervously, tapping the tips of her fingers together in quick succession.

“Is everything okay?” You blurted out before you could stop yourself. “No wait, I’m sorry, forget that. Let’s just watch the movie, hopefully that will be a good distraction and if not, just tell me. Then we can try something else. Maybe play a game? Or just go to sleep?“

Ana sighed deeply, unhappiness etched on her usually so happy face. Anxiety began freezing your veins; you weren’t doing a good enough job at distracting her. You weren’t good enough.

“Look I know I said that stupid thing about preferring distractions once but I didn’t mean it. I just said it because…” Ana trailed off, looking very uncertain if she should continue.

“What?”

That was the only thing you could think of. The idea that all this time you hadn’t actually been giving the blonde what she craved most, felt like a stab through the middle of your heart. But even more so you wondered, if you hadn’t than why had she still been hanging out with you?

Apparently Ana decided that she did want to explain her reasoning some more. She took a deep breath before she continued talking.

“I only said it because I felt so bad complaining about my transfer to Atlético to you of all people. But I’ve regretted it almost every time we’ve hung out. Because I want to talk with you about it, I want to talk about everything with you. And most of all I want you to talk to me about your own unwanted transfer and how it makes you feel. But I felt weird pushing you to open up about it after I said I didn’t want to talk about mine.”

There was too much in Ana’s explanation that you didn’t know how to deal with, so you focused on the things that were easy for you, “You know you can always talk to me about anything. Please never feel bad about that, I’m always happy to listen! And don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine with my transfer. These things happen and it’s not like Real is a bad team or anything, so I can’t really complain.”

That was a flat out lie of course, you had been complaining a lot about your transfer and you definitely still had strong feelings about it, all of them bad. But Ana didn’t need to worry about that, not when she was struggling with her own club situation.

The Swiss woman scooted closer to you, putting a hand on your thigh. She looked at you seriously and you knew instantly that the Swiss woman didn’t believe a word you had just said.

“Don’t do that, please. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel bad after being dropped by your club, I know I do and my connection to Barcelona wasn’t even a deep as yours with Atléti.”

The softness of Ana’s voice combined with her words, words that you had been craving to hear for the longest time, brought tears to your eyes. You blinked furiously to get rid of them and quickly diverted your gaze, hopefully blocking the Swiss woman from seeing your watery eyes. Of course you had no such luck.

Ana closed the last few centimeters of distance between you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Still, you didn’t turn to meet her eyes. You were fine. The transfer didn’t bother you. At least not enough to cry about it to the Swiss woman.

“Maybe tonight we can just be sad together? I think we both need that,” Ana suggested, her voice quivering.

This made you look up. When you saw that the blonde’s own eyes were also filled with tears your resolve to be strong crumbled. If Ana needed this than you would give it to her. And if it just so happened to align with what you longed for as well that was just a lucky coincidence.

“Okay,” you mumbled and that was all Ana needed. She drew you against her, practically pulling you into her lap.

You held out a second longer but when you felt Ana’s body shaking from her sobs and heard her crying, you didn’t bother to hold yourself back any longer, letting your own tears fall.

And that’s how you stayed for a long time, the two of you falling apart in each other’s arms. You didn’t really talk about anything that night, simply relocating to your bedroom and falling asleep in each other‘s arms once all the tears had been shed.

That was a first for the two of you. At every sleepover before you had kept a careful distance, both of you sleeping on their designated side of the bed, but that night nothing was keeping you apart.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 3.3

John having to get high out of his mind because he knows he's invited Paul to come play with him is so so sad. These are the same guys who used to sit facing each other on a bed playing guitars for hours, and now this is them?

Is John calling Paul “Jack Lemon” a reference to “some like it hot”? Because if so, I have questions. Anyway, when your estranged best friend shows up to hang out with you and a bunch of people, talking about being in love again and getting jizzed on is extremely normal and acceptable behavior.

This jam session is so fucking painful though. Paul's doing his best to just push through and get them to actually play something and John's just too far gone.

My theory: there's two reasons he did this. 1. He's avoidant and the last thing he's going to do is let on how bad he needs John in his life and how scared he is that if John gets back with Yoko that that'll be difficult. And 2. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't. If he'd kept it from John that Yoko wanted him back and later John cried to him about how much he missed Yoko or something? Paul can't have that.

John singing a snatch of Yesterday before a take of “Whatever gets you through the Night”??? Did either of them ever write a song where they weren't thinking about the other? Did they ever have a minute of peace without the other rattling the bars of the cage in his brain?

“Hold me Darling, come on, listen to me. I won't do you no harm.” Duh it's about Paul. Oh my gosh.

And with Bless You I'm always so torn. There are so many obvious references to Paul which the doc points out beautifully, but situationally it could also be about Yoko. Maybe it's about both of them in the same way that don't let me down is about both of them.

Anyway the cosmic visuals are gorgeous.

Why'd you have to phrase it like that though? Twice?

Hall of Fame moment. It's a high point for him career-wise and he chose to pull Paul into his spotlight. Not only to sing Paul's song, not only to name-drop him, but to publicly call him an official romantic title. Not “boyfriend” or “ex-wife” which both could've been much more mocking if that's what he was trying to do. But “fiance”. It's official and respected, but it's still got the lustful, unsettled, connotation that something like “husband” lacks.

Johann Weener, everyone. What a loser.

Everyone who still refers to Lennon Remembers like it's the fucking Bible listen to this. It doesn't go on for the next five years, let alone fifty.

John refusing to walk to blocks to sign the papers when George and Paul flew over the ocean. And only on the basis of astrology. He really didn't want the divorce. My heart aches for him. But he made his bed as they say.

I'm putting on my tinfoil hat again here, but I do just have to point out that one of John's first songs, “Hello, Little Girl,” has a line that goes, “you never seem to see me standing there”. And the earliest draft of WISHST, which was started soon after, answers that line. “I saw you standing there.” (Yes, it said you originally, not her). So maybe. Just maybe. That song wasn't just a Paul song, but a song that John knew Paul had put a message in for him. Okay, I apologize for the insanity. On another note, I do wonder if he ever found out what Paul thought of that.

Interviewer: ≈ at this point, do you like writing by yourself, or do you want to write with Paul again?≈ John: ≈well it's a bit of both. It's the same for Paul. We were talking about it a week ago. Okay, cool. So they definitely talked openly and honestly about potentially writing together again.

John, about their partnership, “There was always the feeling that someone was there if you needed it.” Paired with the gayest picture ever taken and then Paul singing “if I can do anything at all, let me help.” Thanks. I hate it.

John was so excited for New Orleans! What happened? I mean I have my theory based on May's book and the sudden shift in behavior. But it's pretty dark.

You know how crazy Paul is about John in interviews now? How he can't seem to keep John's name out of his mouth? John was worse in the seventies. He's promoting his Rock’n’Roll album, talking unprompted and romantically about how he met Paul, when the interviewer reminds him what relationship he's supposed to be romanticizing right now. So John remembers too and dedicates the album to Yoko who he's just got back together with.

Biconic quote.

Interviewer asks, after John's brought him up, if John's pleased with how well Paul's doing. John expresses his relief that Ringo has "found himself a niche" and then

I really do think that last bit sums up a big chunk of how John feels about Paul, and why he feels alright playing dirty against Paul or slagging Paul off. Why it would have been the furthest thing from his mind that Paul actually struggled or was insecure. Why Paul had to remind him, “I'm only a person like you, love.”

What an insane thing to think, let alone say. What if Julian had heard that? I'm pretty sure Julian and Paul weren't in contact, really at all, until the eighties, right? So John's doing better than he is at this point (I mean he's his dad, he should be). John is insecure about every possible thing and compares himself to Paul in every possible way.

Baby. He needed some serious help. The thing that sucks about being ahead of your time is that you also have to live in a world that's behind your needs.

And then. “There's always a friendly tv channel to turn to that's going to make you feel less alone.” I wonder if Paul “Call Me Back Again, John I know you're not that tired from the baby just let me in the fucking door” McCartney heard this? It's possible with how obsessive they were, but it's also impossible with how busy he kept himself.

Okay, here's the first story we've been missing about Paul experiencing negative emotions. And, of course, as always in this doc, it's paired perfectly with “Don't Let it Bring you Down” which is the musical mission statement of Paul's clenched-jawed smile philosophy.

"I tend to get a bit absolute in my statements." Yes, John. Yes you do. Another quote that Big Lennon fans should keep in mind.

John on the three weeks he took to decide if he wanted to continue the band after the first Hamburg trip: The others were mad because we could've been making money. Yeah, John, Paul suddenly had to work in a factory after he'd thrown away an educated, white-collar career (the first in his family) to be in your band. I'd be pissed too if you just didn't even bother to call. Anyway I just hate how casual John is about it. Someone who never had to worry about money is just never going to get that.

John doesn't even remember a ballpark number of how much they were making. Paul remembers exactly bragging to his professors that he was making fifteen a week in Hamburg. Sorry to go on and on about this right before Paris, but to me it's an important difference between them.

Anyway, the fact that Paris was more than just a vacation for them. The fact that – according to Stuart and John at least – they might not have come back. It's dizzying. They really thought about just running off together. I wonder what made them decide to come back and continue the band.

No offense if you do, but I don't personally believe in this stuff. What would the motivation have been for the tarot reader to tell him that? Either way, fuck him.

Gosh the live version of “Call Me Back Again”. You feel it, physically, how bad he wants this phonecall. And the desperation from such a successful man is fantastic. Literally, John, how did it feel to be the only man in the world that could get Paul McCartney to beg? “Pretty baby” “what can I do?” “Boohoohoo babe.” “I tried the operator, but I just can't get through.”

Reporter at the Wings over America tour: No John Lennon, no George Harrison, and no Ringo Starr, just Paul McCartney. And for everyone here tonight, that seemed to be plenty! Obviously he's loving this praise after all the negative press. Anyone would, and Paul needs it more than most people actually. But I bet part of him is like “stop. Don't say it like that, they already hate me enough as it is.”

How many times has John admitted that he finds Paul attractive? “It was no surprise, you know, when the kids – girls saw him, they go ‘ooh! Ooh!’ right away, you know?”

“I know it's true. It's all because of you.” Playing over this? Are you kidding me? Anyway I've never seen the picture version of this, so I thought I'd screenshot it.

But actually, in a way, the original written lyrics to Now and Then are less depressing than what he sang on the demo. “I know it's true, I'm still in love with you, and if I make it through, it's all because of you,” is obviously sad because they're both married to other people. But at least in that version, John's saying his own personal resilience to life's struggles comes from his relationship with Paul, which is nice. Whereas when John, who is sliding into a self-hating deep depression I'm comparing himself to Paul's phenomenal success, sings “it's all because of you” in a general sense, it almost feels like a callback to the ‘I'm shit and I couldn't do anything but be a Beatle (and ride Paul's boat)’ quote. Which is heartbreaking. I wish he could've recognized his own genius.

But yeah either way it's enough to make your heart heavy. If anyone needs a good cry, just go to the last five minutes of this. That should've been the now and then music video, but Paul's too scared of feelings. Which. You know. Considering how much it affects me, I can't even imagine how much it affects him. So he gets a pass.

“Why must we be alone? It's real love. It's real.”

[grandline-fics]

Forget-Me-Not

DESCRIPTION: Sometimes things happen beyond our control. After an accident occurs your relationship with Zoro is turned on its head and changed forever.

WARNINGS: slight angst?

CHARACTERS: Zoro

WORDS: 2,287

A/N: I know it's been a while but I was struggling with how this chapter was going to go but I think this turned out well. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long to get written. Hope you all enjoy

*REQUESTS ARE OPEN*

DIRECTORY | PROMPT LIST

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five (here) | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven(coming soon)

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“Okay if we’re playing the truth game then you look me in the eye and answer me this, do you love me?” Zoro’s head turned sharply at your question and you stared at him hard. Part of you hadn’t wanted to ask the question, part of you just wanted to just push every conflicting thought you had for this crew and this man in particular out of your mind but you couldn’t control yourself. You just couldn’t resist the urge in getting some sort of reaction out of him and taking a jab at his feelings you suspected he had for you. This wasn’t the reaction you wanted though. Zoro only stared at you, almost unsure, lost for a moment in his own thoughts. Sharply you snapped him out of it. “Well? What’s the answer?”

“The answer isn’t important anymore is it?” Zoro asked with a heavy frown, guarding himself against you and your need to keep picking at the wounds your accident caused to him. “Nothing I say will make a difference.”

“God, you’re so annoying.” You muttered, picking at the tangerine skin on the table in frustration, finally looking away from him. “Can’t you for once be honest and answer a question without being difficult?”

“Honesty isn’t the issue though.” Zoro snapped, his hands gripping into the railing he was leaning against. “Nothing I say will matter because you don’t want to hear the truth. You won’t accept it because it will mean accepting you’re not the same person you were back on your island and you’re not ready for that. So until I know you’re actually going to listen, I’m not saying a word.”

“Fine.” You grit out in annoyance and got to your feet, knocking the table as you did so. Angrily you but your bottom lip. You were unable to fully work out if your annoyance was because Zoro refused to answer or because he knew you so well that he already predicted your reluctance to accept anything he told you. “Forget I asked.”

You were frustrated and no longer wanted to be anywhere near him or his irritating perceptiveness. Angrily you stormed towards the staircase only to let out a gasp when your foot went sliding out from under you because of the fallen tangerine peel. Unable to stop yourself you toppled forwards and braced yourself for the impact of hitting the bottom of the staircase. Faster than you could blink, you were grabbed and the impact was cushioned. 

You waited a few seconds, as your mind catching up with what happened while your body all but relaxed in the warmth and security you felt. Something deep down in your felt a familiarity about it while it still felt new. With a shaky breath you slowly opened your eyes and tilted your head up to meet Zoro’s stare as he lay under you. You tensed at the sight. In his one visible eye you saw the concern and regret shining unrestrained in it. Was guilt there too or relief? Perhaps both. Regardless the genuine distress he made no sign to hide shook you completely. You felt his arm that had been secured around you lifted to gently touch your face. “If only I’d been there that day.”

His voice was so quiet that it made you think he was speaking more to himself than to you. His conflict and pain was clear that it made you want to reassure him. Despite your abrasive words and tension with him, to see him like this made you feel discomfort too. You mind stalled and with it caught in the inability to be rational your body reacted out of impulse and instinct. Setting your hands on the deck you managed to pull yourself closer to press your lips against Zoro’s. 

Momentarily stunned, Zoro let his moment of weakness get the better of him. He was too wrapped in his own guilt, imagining how things would have been the same had he been there to save you when you kissed him that he gave in to temptation, for the briefest indulgence and delusion that things with you were still the same. While still touching your face, his free hand gripped your shoulder and responded to the kiss, his lips moving against yours. For Zoro this was as effortless as breathing, a dance that only you and him knew the steps to. Having you against him like this was everything Zoro had wanted since you’d gotten hurt, for you to be you again. No, this was selfish. It was wrong. Quickly Zoro pulled back from the kiss and eyed you warily, watching as clarity flickered and sharpened in your mind. “Why did you do that?”

“I-I…” You scrambled to find an answer. “I don’t know…” You swallowed the lump in your throat and shakily pulled yourself to your feet and hurriedly offered your hand to Zoro while refusing to look at him out of embarrassment for your actions. You weren’t expecting him to accept your hand, clearly he could stand on his own but you’d offered anyway. When you felt his larger, coarse hand slip into your grip you lightly tugged and heard him stand. Feeling the warmth of his body standing so close to you and your hand still loosely holding his you could feel your mind fog in confusion for your own actions once more. You forced your hand to release him and quickly you cleared your throat. “Thanks for catching me…you should get Chopper to look you over when he gets back.”

“Of course I’d catch you.” Zoro murmured, taking a small step back to give you space. He could see how everything was beginning to overwhelm you. Better to try and play everything off as calmly as he could to keep you settled even though his own mind was racing and his stomach twisted uncomfortably. “Don’t need to bother Chopper with a small tumble down the stairs. I’m fine.”

“He’s worried as it is. Says you haven’t been sleeping, maybe he could help with that too?”

“Trust me, Chopper can’t fix my sleep problems.” Zoro told you with a small, dry laugh. “Don’t worry yourself about me.”

“If you’re all to get me back to my island, I need you all in perfect health right?” You asked unable to bring yourself to bring as much bite to your words as you had with him through previous interactions. Even mentioning going back to your home island didn’t have as much force either. If Zoro had noticed, he made no mention of the shift in your behaviour and instead nodded slightly. 

“Yeah, s’pose so.” He conceded  before letting out a long yawn and began to walk up the staircase to go back to the shade of Nami’s tangerine grove. “I’ll take a nap now then.”

You made no move to stop him or make any comment about how you didn’t believe he’d actually nap. After what had just happened you told yourself that not inviting anything else to happen between you would be best, even if it was an offhand comment. After all you could let yourself begin to feel things or become anymore attached to the crew. Silently you watched him stop at the top of the steps and lean down to pick up the cause for your fall off of the ground. He pocketed the tangerine peel and disappeared from sight. only then did you feel power return to your legs enough to wander below deck again, returning to the sanctuary of the medical room. 

When the door shut you let your hand lightly touch your lips, still feeling Zoro’s kiss against your skin. You closed your eyes and took a slow breath. Try as you might even the feeling of his secure hold lingered against yours, warm and strangely comforting. Roughly you shook your head, wanting to slap some sense into yourself. You needed to get out of your head and distract yourself so you finally returned to the pile of books you’d been wary to return to. Had you just stuck with them in the first place you would have avoided everything that occurred on the deck with Zoro. Quickly you opened the first book you found and focussed entirely on reading it. At first it was a way of passing the time until some of the others returned but you found yourself instead getting lost in the story until your eyes began to sting with tiredness. Reluctantly you set the book aside and let your eyes fall closed, telling yourself just a small nap would be fine. 

-------

“You’re so impatient, you know that! Impatient and stupid.” You snapped angrily, pulling at the fabric of his shirt. You winced at the sight of the torn, blood soaked fabric pulling at the skin. You tired to be as gentle as you could but even your cautious actions brought out a grunt from the swordsman as he sat on the floor, back leaning against the crumbled wall. “Oh I’m sorry but are the consequences of your actions catching up? Honestly why did you take the bait? It was obvious that asshole had his henchmen hiding and waiting to attack too.”

“Anyone tell you that your nagging is more bothersome than a stab wound?” Zoro asked watching you inspect his shoulder with a heavy frown. “I’m not going to die from that, relax your face. Another scar is fine.”

“Take this seriously Zoro!” You lectured, tearing you gaze away from his injury to his face. “You willingly got hurt because of me! How am I meant to ‘relax my face’ you could have gotten killed!”

Angrily you pulled out the small medical kit you’d asked Chopper to prepare for you so you’d have it in case of emergencies. Biting the inside of your mouth you began to tend to Zoro's wound, managing to clean the wound and bandage it tightly. It would do until you and Zoro regrouped with Chopper but you were by no means as skilled as your crew’s doctor. Through it all Zoro watched the distress in your face and noted the tremble in your hands you were forcing to control until you’d finished. “I wasn’t thinking.” Zoro finally spoke up while you were tidying the medical kit away. “I thought they had you and just acted, didn’t care how many henchmen were hiding.”

“Zoro, you need to be at least a little cautious from now on. Please.” You sighed, the stress lessening now that you were both safe and his wound was tended to as best as you were able. “How do you feel? The bandages aren’t loose are they?”

“Nope, feels good.” Zoro said after taking an experimental move of his arm. He didn’t anticipate anymore battles today but if one did happen he would still be able to wield his swords efficiently enough to deal with them. “Ever think of being a nurse?”

“Not a chance.” You laughed, nudging his uninjured shoulder. As long as he had his humour you’d find it in yourself to worry less, as hard as it was. Especially when it came to him. “You just want to see me dressed as one.”

“Not a bad idea…” Zoro grinned. “Good thing the cook isn’t here. Pervert would have exploded at that thought.”

You rolled your eyes and lowered your gaze when Zoro’s hand wrapped around your wrist. Your mouth felt dry as your lips slightly parted, watching his face carefully as he pulled you slightly. Unconsciously you followed his direction, inching closer and suppressing the small shiver when his fingers fell to your waist and coax you closer. You couldn’t help the anticipation stirring inside you. Your eyes slid closed when Zoro skimmed his fingers against you jaw and threaded into your hair before finally claiming your lips. Starting slow, you returned the kiss and pressed yourself closer, lips moulded against his and gaining intensity. You parted and let out a small breathy whisper. “Zoro…”

-------

A sudden knock jolted you awake and you looked around rapidly trying to gather your senses and orientate yourself. Rubbing your eyes you blinked in confusion to see everything was darker than it had been. Glancing out the window you saw evening was here. You got off of the bed and approached the door, opening it slowly to see Zoro standing in the doorway. Your gaze zeroed in on how he was shirtless and slightly sweaty, a towel draped over one of his shoulders. Seeing the bronzed, muscular skin you couldn’t help but stare with brief but evident appreciation. Quickly you cleared your throat and looked at the swordsman, trying not to think about the real kiss you’d shared or the one you’d had in your dream just moments ago. “E-everything okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m good. Getting hungry though.” Zoro explained, watching you carefully. “The others aren’t back yet so we’ll have to cook for ourselves. That okay with you?”

“Sure. Sounds good.” You nodded, reminding yourself to just keep things casual and keep your expression neutral. 

“I’m going to quickly shower. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” Zoro explained and you nodded. As he went to head in the direction of the bathroom he lifted the towel from his shoulder and your eyes widened at the sight of the clear scar against his skin. It was the exact size and shape of the injury you’d tended to in your dream. Hurriedly you headed in the opposite direction to go to the kitchen and wait for Zoro while yet another thread of conflict connected in your mind and fixed you to Zoro. There was no way you could dream something so coincidental. It was a memory.

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[buckyownsmylife]

don't - manager!henry cavill smut

The one where Henry is your much older manager, but that doesn’t stop you from falling for him.

Warnings: age gap, secret relationship, parents disapproval, smut, unprotected sex, celeb!reader

Henry’s P.O.V.

I watched her from afar, the flashing lights not nearly as blinding as she could be. She was magnificent, but not because of the designer dress or the bling that she was always scared would be too much. It was all her. Her personality, her smile, the way her eyes shined brighter than anything under the sun. And when her eyes met mine after she was done posing for the pictures, I felt like time had stopped right then and there.

I should be so lucky.

She smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but think that this was unfair. Why was I so much older than her? Why did we have to meet in these circumstances? Why had I met someone so close to perfection, only to be unable to ever have her?

Those were ridiculous questions, I knew. Questions I’d never know the answer. And while sometimes the anger of having to stand so close to paradise without being able to live in it did consume my waking thoughts and recurring nightmares, most of the time I was able to live with that knowledge.

The knowledge that at least I could be near her. Touch her. Have her the way I wanted to. Even if it wasn't exactly that. It was something, at least. It was better than nothing. Having her was better than not being near her at all.

“You ready to go?” She asked when she approached me, and I swallowed down the lump in my throat to guide her through the sea of people in the direction of our seats. She hesitated for a second, looking in the direction of the exit, but came anyway. I knew what she was thinking and feeling - I’d known her long enough, intimately enough, to know that there was nothing that she despised more than this sort of event.

“It’ll be over soon,” I reminded her, even though it wasn’t necessarily the truth, simply because I couldn’t reach out and hold her hand like I wanted to actually comfort her. “We’ll be back home in no time.” When she looked up at me, I could see in her eyes that the words had elicited the same thoughts in her as they did in me.

Home. The place where we didn’t have to hide.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I took a deep breath when we were inside the house again and the door closed behind us, signaling the end of a long and tiring day. It felt like the first one I’d done in a long time, like I’d been deep underwater and only now was able to get back to the surface, reacquaint myself with the oxygen again.

It wasn’t all bad, I know, but it *was getting harder and harder to get through these things when I had him so close to me, but had to stop myself from reaching out and just hold his hand like I wanted to. The more in love I fell, the harder it was to remember that the world shouldn’t know about this feeling that had grown between us. It was difficult to believe that opening our relationship to outsider’s views wouldn’t simply maximize this feeling of peace that I only got when I was with him.

“Tell me the truth,” he started, and I already smiled, despite my somber mood. “Didn’t you have a good time, after all?” It had been a nice night, that remained true despite my tendency to focus on the bad. I’d even won a couple awards, and that always felt nice. Still, it hurt so much not to be able to thank him when I went up there, and I couldn’t recognize his role in my life for what it truly was - my inspiration, my love.

“Yes.” It was clear that my word hid a ‘but’. “I just wish everyone could know I’m yours.” It was then, and only then, that I turned around to meet his eyes. I don’t know what I expected to find there - probably understanding, maybe even resentment for finding himself stuck in this situation with me, but when pain was what I found in his beautiful eyes, my bottom lip started trembling.

“I owe you so much, Bear.” I’d been calling him that ever since we first started working together, when I was still a teenager with big dreams and no real understanding of how Hollywood worked. “I just wanted to be able to acknowledge that.”

He pulled me into his arms then, but instead of just holding me against his chest, like he usually did when he wanted to comfort me, his hands cradled my face and I instinctively raised to my tiptoes so he could lap into my mouth, tasting me for the first time in the evening. It felt so good to have his lips on mine again, it felt like a lifetime away when I was last able to kiss him. So I lost myself in the kiss, allowing him to take my hair out of the fancy bun so he could bury his fingers in my strands, curl them to pull me away from him and say, “You’re everything to me, darling. People knowing about it won’t change a thing. My smile is still for you and you only, just like I know yours is for me.”

My heart filled with love for the man in front of me. I let him pick me up, wrapping my legs around him as he took us to the bedroom we’d been sharing for so long, promising me that he’d “make me forget all about it.” 

And that’s when I remembered why we stayed together despite the hardships. I’d live through one thousand shitty days if it meant I’d get to have him like this at night, mine and only mine.

Our lips were still fused together when he deposited me by the foot of the bed, and I felt his fingers slowly unzip my dress until he could slip it off of me. “Let’s go to bed, baby.” I’d follow him anywhere if he just kept looking at me like that.

Henry’s P.O.V.

I couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading over my face as I watched her join me in bed, her body trembling with anticipation. She was always so eager, my little angel. It only made me feel more powerful, knowing how thoroughly she enjoyed it when I took care of her. 

And God, how I loved taking care of her. “You look so beautiful like this, my love,” I whispered as I cupped her face with one hand, guiding her to climb my body with the other. “You want me to fuck you?” By now she couldn’t speak, just whine. Her smaller body rubbed against my lower belly, her pussy betraying her desire as it slathered her wetness just over my stomach.

“Come here, let me give you what you need.” I easily adjusted her so she’d be hovering right over my cock before I pulled her down by her hips, a gasp escaping me as I felt her tightness slowly engulfing my hard member. Instinctively, my thumb found her nub, rubbing it in tight little circles so I could be sure she would find her pleasure before me. “Yeah, you like that, huh?” I teased when she whimpered, hips following my movement as she narrowed her eyes at me.

I raised my feet to the bed so I could have the leverage I needed to invert our positions, taking advantage of the space between her legs to stuff myself inside of her over and over again. I loved feeling her from the inside. I loved that I was the only one to have her like this, the only one who knew what made her fall apart and meet the heavens above. I’d spent the entire ceremony thinking about this moment and now that I had her, I wanted to appreciate every single sound that escaped her perfect lips.

It was bliss, having her like this, hearing her moans and being the cause for them. I knew just how to make her louder, I knew just what and how she liked it. Thinking back on how it had all started, I never expected to have the luck I now knew I possessed, being with her like this.

I came inside of her with a shudder. It was the sight of her fucked out face, her eyes hazy with bliss, and the knowledge that I was about to get her dirty with my seed that ultimately had me reaching my own orgasm.

“You’re mine, darling,” I assured her, pulling out to lay back on the bed and bring her to my chest. “I’d do anything for you.” And I knew she was aware of that. Her only response was to push away from my heartbeat to deposit a kiss on my lips - a passionate, breathtaking kiss, that left me with my eyes closed for a few seconds after we parted.

“I love you, Henry.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

I woke up with a familiar ache between my legs, the perfect mixture of sensitive and empty that had me filling myself with two fingers only to find the remnants of last night waiting for me. My heart pounded as I considered talking to Henry about stopping taking the pill. It was something that had been in my mind for a while and never failed to make me aroused, but I still hadn’t found the courage to address it with him.

Maybe today was the day.

Deciding to take a quick shower before finding something to eat - I was always starving when I woke up, considering all the exercise Henry made me do just before falling asleep - I quickly washed my body before throwing a simple dress over it, hopping downstairs to fix the both of us breakfast before he woke up.

That was how Henry found me in the kitchen, wearing only some sweatpants, his body still deliciously wet from his own shower when he pressed it against me to give me a quick kiss on the temple.

“Hmm… Good morning, honey,” I greeted after he parted, laughing lightly when he went back to press another peck on my lips.

“Any morning with you is a great one, my love.” My heartbeat raced out of control, still not used to hearing these sorts of comments from him, even after all this time together.

The food was ready, so I turned the stove off, fully prepared to plate it for the both of us, but before I could, two hands made their way to my hips, quickly spinning me around to meet his lips once more.

“Henry!” I jokingly admonished, laughter spilling from my lips whenever he let go just to come back for another kiss again. “Baby, the food is going to get cold…” He didn’t seem to mind, too preoccupied with stealing kisses from me. I was about to give up and pull him in for a deep one when the doorbell rang, startling me into jumping away from his embrace.

“Gosh, who could it be?” The answer came sooner than expected since instead of waiting for one of us to go get the door, keys were heard and then it was being opened by the visitors, who clearly had a way of entering my house, which could only meant one thing: they were my parents.

“Oh, no.” The words escaped my lips before I could reel them in, as I considered the situation my parents would find us: Henry without a shirt on as we made breakfast for the both of us.

“Good morning!” My mom greeted us before stopping by the threshold of the kitchen, her eyes skimming the scene in front of us, just as my father did the same. “Are we interrupting something?”

That was a heavy question because the truth was a resounding yes, they were. In all of the years Henry and I had been together, my parents had never even gotten close to finding out about us - I made sure of that. But the last few months, with the paparazzi shots and inquiring fans, even they had become a bit uncomfortable about my relationship with my manager, and I couldn’t blame them for questioning when I knew what was the truth.

I was in love with a man twice my age, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was nothing that I wished to do, except keep on loving him forever and ever, until my dying days.

“Sweetheart, we came here to congratulate you on your win last night…” My mother rushed to explain, but not before sending a weird look towards Henry and I. “But also to grab that jacket that you promised to let me borrow, remember?”

I did. I also knew this was nothing but an excuse to get me out of the room, but I didn’t know how to fight back. “Please, go grab it for me,” my mother insisted, and after sending one last look to my beloved, I did exactly as she told me to, feeling a heavy weight on my chest for having left Henry behind.

Henry’s P.O.V.

“Stay, Henry.” I had tried to escape after she left, even though it was rude to leave guests unattended, but we all knew where this was headed, and it was a shit storm I was not looking forward to face. “We’d like to talk to you.”

I nodded and waited, wondering which one of the two would be the first to break the apparent calm exterior they were working so hard to maintain.

It was him.

“How could you?” Punching the island, it was a surprise that Y/N didn’t run back at the sound that she surely heard. “That’s my baby, and you took advantage of her!”

“I did no such thing,” I rushed to defend myself. “She’s an adult, she can make her own decisions. Don’t diminish her intelligence by making it seem as if she can’t.” He shook her head vehemently at that, and I knew I wouldn’t get through to him. It was his daughter we were talking about, his baby.

“Mom, dad.” It was her, and she looked pissed. So I was right, she had heard the sound of him punching the island because she didn’t even have the jacket her mother had told her to go get.

“Yes, it’s true. Henry and I are together, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.” Her parents’ mouths opened in protest, but she shut them up by holding her hand up in a gesture of patience.

“No, you need to hear this.” We all remained silent as we waited for what she had to share, and my heart sped up in anxiety at the prospect of what was to come. “I owe him everything. He knows me better than anyone else. And I can’t stand the thought of you ever doubting his character.”

While her parents rushed to apologize, all I could do was stand there and stare admiringly at the woman that I loved, the woman who had defended me so fiercely to her own parents.

Too bad I wouldn’t be able to show her my appreciation tonight.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Henry? What are you doing here?” I whispered-yelled at the man who was climbing onto my bed as if my parents weren’t on the room next-door.

“I can’t sleep without your body on top of mine,” he explained, and how could I be mad at that? Relaxing against my sheets, I allowed him to move so he’d glue his body against mine, but I wasn’t counting on feeling his incredible hard-on pressed against my thigh.

The rush of lust that engulfed me was instantaneous, and I turned around to capture his lips in a kiss, all while I climbed onto his body so I could rub my cunt against his clothed member.

“Are you sure?” Was all he asked, always so in sync to me that we didn’t need more than a few words to know what the other wanted, so I nodded. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to walk in the morning, but it would be worth it.

“Shh… You’ll have to be quiet, baby,” he tried to quiet me down as he slipped inside of me, and I inhaled sharply, trying to get through the first bite of pain of being stretched so throughly.

“There you go…” He silenced my cries with a kiss, and it didn’t take long for us to meet bliss together, as I laid spent on his chest.

“Are they right?” He asked suddenly, cutting through the silence of the night.

“No.” My answer was instantaneous, and I pushed myself away from his chest so I could stare into his eyes as I spoke the next few words in my mind: “No one can love me like you.”

“Do you love me?” It was my turn to be insecure, even though I knew the answer to the question, and I was reminded of it by the smile in his face.

“You’re the only one for me,” he reassured me with a deep kiss that left me breathless, and I kept my eyes closed after we parted.

“I hate the thought of not waking up next to you tomorrow,” I admitted, knowing he’d have to sneak out after I was asleep. He clutched me tighter against his chest, brushing a kiss against my forehead.

“I hope you know, I’ll never let you go.” I nodded, almost asleep when he completed, “You do know you don’t owe me anything, right?”

“It’s thanks to you I found out what love is,” I quietly explained. “I owe you everything.”

[brokenpieces-72]

Task force 141! Gangster x Reader

Truth or Pain

This is part 3. Part 2

Leave a comment if you want to be tagged in future posts.

You’re hanging out with Soap again and he watches you work on a your newest piece. You enjoy moments like these. You feel like yourself, and like you aren’t forcing your part. Soap was impressed with your skill. You were very good with your hands, and your work was great demonstration.

“You want to try?” You offer Soap a brush.

“You think I can make somethin as good as you?” He asks taking up your offer.

“Try it.” You say. A small voice in the back of your head suggests getting him on vandalism but you ignore it. He takes the brush and adds a bit of colour to wall… in the form of a very crude doodle of himself.

You finally take a break with him, warming your hands on the hot cup of cocoa.

“So what exactly do you guys do? Like I’ve seen you guys work but… I don’t get it.” You say, breaking the silence.

Soap thinks for a moment before answering. “We do what needs to be done.”

When he looks at you to see your reaction he finds you silently asking for more details.

“The Los Voqueros sell medicines. Simple stuff that’s not easy to afford. Painkillers, allergy meds. Ya know Farah, woman that ‘elped ‘ide us when those cops tried to grab us? She’s a bit of a vigilante, keepin some big corporation from ruin’in her neighbourhood.

“The problems with the world canna be solved by cops and white collars. They don’a’ven want to. We do. We set the world right, and we ‘ven ave a little fun on the side.”

He gives you a soft elbow to the arm. You smile. But underneath there’s a few things going on you’re not telling him. He’s given you two statements. One that can be used on Farah Karim, for aiding two criminals. The other could start a hunt for the Los Voqueros and their shipments of drugs. It wasn’t what you had been sent to find but it was a start. You might actually be taken seriously at the precinct, people might actually start having faith in your abilities. But… Farah had shown you and a few others kindness and trust. Her neighbourhood was constantly being targeted for demolition and businesses. You knew how expensive medications and drugs could be, you had needed them before yourself. As you sat there continuing to sip your warm drink, you started to ask yourself if this was truly what you wanted to do. The cops were bringing down people who were just trying to help. Sure they clubbed and partied on the side but hell, who doesn’t take some personal time?

You decide to keep the information to yourself for now, after all, Graves would only ask for a report on Soap and Ghost. Farah and Alejandro weren’t the priority.

You think back to your father. He was trying to help too. But it got him killed. You couldn’t let a bunch of gangs run free just because they were trying to help. The man sitting next to you had killed people before. He beat up good cops, stole shipments of drugs, and made it difficult for businesses to expand and grow the economy.

The rest of the day goes by fairly casually. You don’t give Graves anything on Soap, because well, he hadn’t given you anything. Nothing you could prove. Graves is frustrated, but he’s honestly too tired to care and leaves soon after.

A few more weeks go by and try to keep tabs on everything you can. The Los Vaqueros approved of the artwork you came up with, and now they were deciding where they wanted it. Hopefully they would give you a chance to be alone to work on it and you could find more evidence. Soap had mentioned helping with recent shipments so maybe you could get something from there.

The location was an old and empty warehouse, practically deserted. Alejandro and Rudolfo went with you to the location to show you where they wanted it.

It was more like where they wanted you though. Next thing you know, Rudolfo has you pinned against the wall while Alejandro is yelling questions.

“What are you looking for?”

“The fuck are you talking about?!” You yell. Rudolfo holds you tighter by your jacket. “Why are you here? What the fuck you want?!” Alejandro is pissed, but you have to stay quiet. You can’t give them anything.

“For the fucking mural! You asked me to!” You choke out. Rudolfo is ordered to drop you and you hit the floor, coughing.

Alejandro is nowhere close to being done with you. A good man he may be, but with traitors? Few could tell you how that went.

You’re met with a boot against your ribs as a warning.

“Why are you really here… out with it.” He warns.

“I don’t kno-“ before you can finish you get the wind kicked out of you.

“You know damn well why you’re here…tell me now.” He orders. Rudolfo keeps an eye out while Alejandro continues interrogating you.

“What are you talking about?!” You manage after regaining some air. He holds up his phone and shows a photo of you… in uniform.

“What are you looking for?” He asks. There’s some lenience as he lets you get to your hands and knees. Alejandro helps you stand by grabbing you and pinning you to the wall again. You try to kick him off, your heart pounding in your chest and ears ringing in your head.

“Start talking!”

“I don’t know what you mean!”

“I know you’re a fucking cop!” He yells. “You’re undercover! I know you are, so start talking! Who else is undercover? What are you trying to find?!”

“Get off!” You yell back. At this point you’d have enough evidence for assault, but right now you were fighting to remain an assault victim.

“Not until you tell me who else is undercover with you.” Alejandro demands, you get punched in the gut making you cough. “Tell me and you walk away!”

“I…don’t…” another hit, this one to the face. There’s footsteps but you barely notice them. He grabs you by the jaw and gets close.

“Talk and I won’t tell Soap… you walk away and nothing happens…”

“…I’m a cop…” you admit. You were scared. You didn’t know how he knew. You weren’t supposed to say anything. When he brought up Soap though… Soap was the only one who seemed to put any trust in you. Losing that would hurt more than anything Alejandro could do to you.

“Where are your partners? Who are they?” Alejandro asks, his rage reducing a bit. Before you can answer though you hear a thick Scottish accent shouting and Alejandro pulled off of you.

You fall back to the ground and see Soap and Alejandro arguing with Rudolfo nearby trying to break them apart. You can barely make out what they’re saying, but eventually two hands grip your arms and help you to your feet just as Soap turns to you.

“Come on kid.” You hear a deep British voice say and you look to see Ghost is holding you, and lead you out of the warehouse while Soap follows not long after.

Ghost gets you to a car, telling you to get in the back which you do and you sit patiently for Soap to come along and sit in the passenger’s seat. They don’t say anything to you, just start driving.

As they get on the road Soap speaks up.

“Where we takin the cop?” He asks.

Your heart plummets when he says it. The way he says it tells you he’s pissed. With you.

“I’m taking Y/N to a hide out. The boss can deal with them.” Ghost said.

Soap looks back at you in the rear view and you look away. Not out the window, but more at the door. Your body was sore from Alejandro, and you were tired. You were too nervous to fall asleep.

When you get to the hideout, you sit up so Ghost can open the door. He jerks his head signalling for you to get out of the vehicle, and you do, keeping your head down. You can’t look at either of them.

Ghost leads you inside with Soap following behind you. He opens the door telling you to sit down, before stopping Soap from going inside and shuts the door.

“The fuck is this?” Soap asks annoyed.

“You’re emotional MacTavish.” Ghost tells him.

“Have fuckin right to be. We trusted ‘em and-“

“They were doing their job.” Ghost finishes the sentence.

“They used us.”

“You knew this was possible… like father like child.” Ghost reminds him. Soap is still pissed and kicks the ground hard in frustration. Ghost just folds his arms, and leans in front of the door frame letting Soap get his colourful Scottish phrases rattle off while tossing and kicking anything he could get his hands on.

You can hear them from outside and you consider running off, running away and not looking back. Soap and his men had given you a chance, a chance you had been waiting for. Soap was your friend, and he would defend you to no end. Any of his men tried to get handsy or get too drunk and go off he was beside you, jabbing back at them. He talked you up to Rudy and Al, assured Farah you were a good person, kept you close to his side… you start to wonder if it had all been for the case, or if you had done it because you felt like you were a part of something for once.

Ghost soon comes back inside, Soap is nowhere to be seen.

“You broken?” He asks. You fight your tears and shake your head.

“Take your jacket off and roll up your shirt.” He orders. You slowly stand and do as he says, showing a couple bruises. Ghost sighs and gets an ice pack from his freezer handing it to you along with a rag. You take it already knowing what to do, while he pulls up a chair and sits in front of you.

“What’s your name?” He asks.

“Y/n… y/n l/n.” You say shifting a little as you placed the ice pack to one of the bruises.

“…you’re a cop.” He says. You nod, despite the statement being rhetorical.

“Soap was aware that could be the case… given your father.” He says. You look at Ghost.

“You…”

“We knew your dad. All of us, including the boss. Good man.” He said as if trying to end the discussion. You two sat in silence for a bit while you mulled over what he said. Your father was a cop, did he do the same thing? Go undercover? Did Graves know?

“Keep the pack.” Ghost says standing up. You follow him to the car and he takes you back to your apartment. Before you exit the car he gives you a piece of paper.

“Text this for a ride.” He says. You take it.

“Could you tel-“

“No.” He says. “Tell Soap yourself.”

You nod and leave the car and go inside to your apartment. It’s late, almost midnight and god knows how long Graves has been waiting.

You knock on your own door and Graves soon opens it. When you walk in you hardly pay him any mind as he’s demanding to know where you’ve been. He keeps asking even while you’re getting some painkillers for your soreness and now headache from Graves.

“Nothing happened.” You say.

“Somethin happene-“

“Nothing… got into a fight that was it.” You say.

“You start it?” He asks.

“…no.”

“Who did?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter sergeant, now start talking!”

“I don’t know anything!” You yell. Your whole body tensed as it felt like you were at the warehouse getting questioned again. You flinched when he got closer. You clenched your fists digging the nails into your palms.

“Sergeant this is getting ridiculous. I have half a mind to take you off this case.”

“Then do it…” you mutter. At this point you don’t care. You’re in pain and this case made everything you had started to care for fall apart. What had Graves honestly done except tell you, you weren’t ready and remind you of the expectations you had being your father’s kid? Soap knew your dad, and never once reminded you of living up to him.

“What?” Graves looks at you stunned.

“Do it. Take me off the case. It’s probably for the best.” You say shrugging. Graves looks at you pressing his lips together. He shook his head.

“Your fath-“

“I don’t give a fucking damn about my father or how I’m his disappointment of a kid okay? You’re right I’m a fucking joke being his kid.”

“I’ve given you a chance to prove yourself!” Graves argues.

“And what have I done? Nothing! I’m a glorified tagger that’s what you said right?! Fine! Then I’ll be one! You gonna arrest me then?” You’re staring him down now. He just looks back, hiding his surprise. If Graves was being honest, he was tempted to do so.

“…I’ll be back in the morning.” He says and leaves your apartment. As soon as the door closes your pain opens. You’re hurting, he can tell. Something happened that scared you and that’s all he sees. He doesn’t know what’s going on deeper. The act was working but on him. The act of joining a gang in order to get closer, but that wasn’t an act to you. Not anymore. You clean yourself up, apply ice to your bruises, and stare at your father’s badge. How much did he know? How much did any of them know? You keep asking questions the whole night.

Price is sitting at a booth in a restaurant going over some paperwork when Johnny strides over and sits in the booth across from him. Price finishes the sentence he was reading and looks up.

“You knew this could happen.” Price says calmly.

“Don’t fuckin remind me…” Soap grumbles.

“How is l/n?” Price asks. “Simon told me he sent her home.”

“He did… Alejandro got to her before I ever could.” Soap comments.

“Yeah well, from what you told me, she won’t be for long. She has my number and if she was talking cops would be knocking.”

“Now what?” Soap asks.

“We wait.” Price tells him.

Taglist : @H0n3y_L3m0n

[midnight-black2]

prompt 4 for jann?

He and reader both attend gt academy and he has a crush on them. Reader becomes very close with matty which leads to him and jann fighting over them and reader showing jann who they really want^^

𝐉𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐘

pairing : jann mardenborough x reader

synopsis : what the req saysss

disclaimers : sub!jann, dom!reader, palming, jealousy, teasing, etc (NOT FULL SMUT!!)

note : i just now realized that i didn't actually include the prompt quote, but just know that it's obviously still based off of the prompt. also, this is like a lime, so it's not full smut, sorry if you wanted that! if you did, you can request a part two, but i just left it at a makeout sesh that eludes to smut, lol

jann hated matty.

he hated the way matty spoke, all cocky with an edge to every end of a sentence. he hated the way he walked, head held high with such unnecessary confidence. but most of all...

...he hated the way you liked matty so much. always saying things like "he's really quite nice once you get to know him." and as much as jann despised it, he knew he couldnt really stop you. hell, he probably wouldn't even try to. but god did it get under his skin when you and matty would laugh together, looking like you were having the time of your lives.

"no no, i'm serious!" you exclaimed, before leaning back in and whispering something in mattys ear. something secretive. a secret. why could you tell marty secrets? why couldnt jann be in mattys place right now? why did jann have this undeniable stabbing pain in his chest watching the two of you from afar?

"you can't be," matty said, furrowing his brows with a smirk. you shrugged. jann and matty made eye contact, and mattys smirk only grew, it was like he knew what he was doing, which made jann only angrier.

it's not like jann knew what you and matty were talking about, and it might have done him more good if he would have listened. then he would've realized you guys were talking about him. how you had a crush on him, and how you were preparing to tell him. but it was only until jann was standing in front of you, asking just what it is you were whispering in mattys ear and giggling about that he became aware.

"the conversation wasn't much," you replied, absentmindedly. you wanted to wait until the right moment to truly fess up, but he was making it rather difficult.

"it didn't seem like it," he said, under his breath, swallowing hard. he regretted the words as soon as he spoke them. however, there was no going back.

"fine, if you really want to know, i was telling him about how much i like you, jann," you said, with a sigh. sure, you could sense his jealousy from a mile away. you didn't ever think he'd do something about it, though. now, he was proving you wrong. his eyes widened, as he froze. his mouth opened, then closed. he wanted to say something, but he felt like he didn't have the right to.

"Y/N-i... i didn't know i'm sorry i just-" you cut him off with a snort.

"it's all good, jann. i won't hold it against you or anything. but, why were you so annoyed by me hanging out with matty anyway?" you asked, trying to suppress your growing smirk. he looked down, with a hoarse chuckle. the situation was ironic, surely.

"because i like you too," he uttered, anxiously. even though you had already said how you felt, he couldn't help but be exponentially nervous. it was just-- you. no other thoughts apart from you and driving consumed him. those were the two most important things to him. of course you made him nervous. you grinned complacently.

"i know."

"you...do?" he questioned, looking back up and facing you. his brows were furrowed, and you laughed.

"i've known since the start."

"it could not have been that obvious," he said, with a defeated chuckle. he tried defending himself, but to no avail.

"oh trust me, it most definitely was," you answered. "...so now do you believe that it's you that i want?"

"well yeah, i mean you've said it but..." he trailed off. he didn't know how he intended to finish that sentence. he also couldnt find the courage to finish it, anyway.

"let me prove it to you."

"how?" he asked, voice shaky and uncertain. he maybe had a clue of what you were suggesting. maybe.

"follow me, and you'll find out," you said, gesturing for him to do just that. so, he did. he was too curious not to. you both went to the sleeping quarters, which currently were unoccupied since everyone was out training. you urged him to sit down on your bed, and he complied. you then sat down next to him.

"i think it's really ridiculous that you couldnt see how much i do like you, jann," you said, as you intently looked in his eyes, awaiting a response.

"im sorry. i didn't think i could be so dense," he said, with a breathy laugh. his eyes flickered to your lips. it was a split second, but it was noticeable enough. you leaned in slightly, and he felt this sort of magnetic pull to do the same. there was only a breath between you, as your lips grazed against his. you sealed the gap, finally. lips moving in sync, perfectly harmonious with one another.

your hand cupped his cheek, as he rested his hand on your waist. you both started to kiss each other with fervor. when you eventually pulled away, the two of you were breathless. his grasp on your hip tightened as he desperately attempted to ground himself. there was no way this was happening...--no, it was. it was definitely happening. because when you crashed your lips back on his, and slipped your tongue inside his mouth, and lied him down and hovered over top of him, he felt it all crash at him at once, like a big wave. his head was reeling.

"do you want this?" you mumbled against his lips. he nodded eagerly, and you found it entirely amusing. "i need your words, jann."

"please," he begged. that was all you needed, before your hand trailed down his body. you reached the part of him that ached for you. you started palming him over his clothing. he whimpered softly, shifting and writhing beneath you.

well, let's simply say you guys had a lot of fun that day.

╰┈➤ uh oh, cliffhanger! might post a pt.2 sometime, idk

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 © 𝐤𝐲𝐚-𝐢𝐬-𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐥

𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐲? 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞

[writeforfandoms]

Warrior Song 14

Find the series masterlist

Here we finally are! The second to last chapter! I promise this has a happy ending and everything will be fine, because I'm a sucker for those.

Warnings: Mention of injury, medical inaccuracies, swearing, Medic is so very done, playing fast and loose with canon.

Word count: 2.4k

The first thing that registered was the pain. Your thigh throbbed in time with your too-fast heart. Your arms and chest pulsed with softer pain, like bruises in the making, or compression. From your knees down prickled with uncomfortable heat. 

You blinked, spots slowly receding from your vision, and finally looked up into an all too familiar gold visor. 

“John?” you mumbled, confused, blinking slowly up at him. Your head felt a little fuzzy. 

“Can you hear me?” He didn’t move, voice intense but low. 

“Mmhm.” You blinked again, suddenly aware of one big hand cradling the back of your head. 

“We need to move,” John said, tipping his head down a little. 

“Okay.” You breathed in as deeply as you could. You… weren’t dead. That was something of a surprise.

You’d fully expected that grenade to kill you.

John moved, lifting you and getting to his feet, your head still safely cradled against his palm. You hissed, pain flaring unexpectedly, but John didn’t stop. Just kept you held against him as he moved. 

There were a lot fewer Endless in the room than you remembered, although you couldn’t be sure how many were dead and how many had fled. Over John’s shoulder, you could see Linda taking up position behind the two of you, though everything else was a little fuzzy. The world felt a little disconnected. You could feel your body (unfortunately), you could feel all the aches and such. But it all seemed… distant. 

The Spartans were quiet as they moved, John’s helmet tipping towards you every so often, though he didn’t say anything. You blinked, tempted to look around. But trying to move your head made John huff softly at you, his grip on you still gentle but implacable. 

Clearly, you just needed to hold still. That wasn’t difficult. 

Gunshots up ahead made you jolt, and then hiss in pain as everything flared. Oh, ouch. The world was not far away, and you never wanted to move again. That hurt. 

“Don’t move,” John grunted, not even looking at you as he picked up the pace. 

“I won’t,” you grumbled, even as the pain settled a bit again. Definitely not gone, but manageable. “What’s going on?” 

But John didn’t answer, adjusting his grip on you as he moved. 

Right. He was busy. Don’t ask the guy questions when he’s busy saving your life. 

The structure lurched. You yelped, startled and once again in pain as John momentarily lost his footing, landing on one knee. 

“That’s new,” came Linda’s droll voice from behind you and John, even as John got back to his feet. 

“I think we might have moved,” Joy said through John’s helmet. “I’d need to get into the system to be sure, though.” 

“Later.” John didn’t even pause. He was determined to get out as fast as possible, apparently. 

A moment later, you understood why as light filtered into the tunnel. And then you were out, momentarily blinded by the intensity of the light. You’d hardly been in the dark inside the Halo, but this was much brighter.

Actually… this seemed brighter than you remembered. You blinked rapidly, almost idly wondering if you were losing your mind. 

But the light was definitely different. You ignored John’s warning to hold still to tip your head back, looking up. 

The nearest star seemed… closer. Maybe. 

And then the view was gone, replaced by the inside of the Pelican. John had carried you straight in and you hadn’t even noticed. You blinked again, eyes adjusting even as John set you in one of the seats and strapped you in, motions swift and confident. 

“Chief,” Fernando called back. “What the hell is going on?” 

“Joy.” John didn’t have to raise his voice. 

“Oh,” Joy murmured. You could just see the blue of her form flickering over by the controls of the Pelican. “We’re definitely closer to that star, but we’re not moving anymore.” 

“Small favors,” Fred muttered as he dropped to one knee in front of you. You blinked slowly at him. 

“We’re holding steady again now,” Joy confirmed. “I don’t think this is what Atriox meant to do.”

John shook his head once, basically dismissing the thought. “He didn’t get to finish,” he said, visor focused on you. “We need to get back to the Mortal Reverie.” 

“On it.” Fernando started the Pelican up, the ramp closing behind the lot of you. Kelly and Linda had settled in seats across the bay from you, and you blinked at them too. 

When the Pelican started moving, two pairs of hands helped brace you: John and Fred. You huffed at them.

“Not broken,” you grumbled half-heartedly. Yeah, ouch, your injuries were making themselves known again. That was not fun. But you weren’t dying. 

A shocked call of your name made your grimace. “When did you–? How–?” Fernando didn’t twist to look at you, but you could just see him look back over his shoulder once. 

“Long story,” you rasped. Now that the excitement was all over, your throat was dry, you hurt, and you wanted rather desperately to hide somewhere for a while. You were not a combatant, you were not used to this. 

John rubbed his thumb soothingly over your knee, visor still fixed on you. You grimaced when the Pelican swayed more than you liked, head pounding now too. 

Probably dehydration. You hoped it was just dehydration. You’d been gone a long time, after all. Hours, at the least. 

Hours, stuck inside the Halo, with no idea what was going on or how to stop Atriox.

You shied away from the thought, swallowing hard. Too soon. You were not touching that yet. 

“Almost there,” John murmured, soft and probably as close to reassuring as he got in the armor. 

The rest of the ride was silent, the landing a little bumpy. You winced but didn’t make a sound. 

Not that you had a chance to, anyway. No sooner had the Pelican touched down than John was unbuckling you from the seat and picking you up again, as easily as if you were a kitten. 

Fernando scrambled after him, Blue Team falling in around Fernando. You caught glimpses of others milling around, all of them brightening when they spotted Chief. He really was the best beacon of hope most of these people could ask for.

You swallowed again, feeling guilty and not sure why. 

John didn’t stop until he could set you down carefully in medical. When you looked down, you could still see the edges of the bloodstain on the floor. Someone had cleaned it up… mostly. 

“Boss!” Lindsay nearly skidded to a halt in front of you, hands out, eyes wide as she looked you over. “Shit, what happened?”

“Is Carter okay?” you croaked, really feeling the lack of water now. The bloodstain had reminded you. You didn’t know who made it.

“He’s fine.” Lindsay’s expression shuttered. “But the boss, not you the other one, was killed.”

You nodded slowly. That meant you were back in charge. Again. “I need pain tea,” you told her honestly. “Maybe burn gel, if we still have any.”

Lindsay nodded once and darted off again. You grimaced as you balanced against the makeshift exam table, leaning over to try to wrestle your boots off. 

John was there a moment later, kneeling in front of you and gently brushing your hands away to do it himself. You braced one hand on his shoulder, armor firm as a rock under you. 

“Not bad,” you muttered, more to yourself than him, looking at the newly-exposed skin. No visible burns, which probably meant that you hadn’t really gotten burned. Somehow. Probably because John had jumped on you before the grenade exploded. 

Lindsay returned with the tea, eyes still a bit wide, giving you multiple looks over. You downed the tea as fast as possible, grimacing at the taste. 

“Check for a concussion,” you told her, sitting down with a grimace. “And my ribs, just in case, although I would’ve noticed anything cracked by now.” 

Lindsay glanced at John, who had moved silently to hulk in the doorway, hands at his sides, but also very clearly not leaving.

“He’s fine,” you dismissed with a little smile. “He can stay.” 

You had a feeling even if you wanted him gone (which you didn’t), you’d have a hell of a time shouting him out. He didn’t seem to want to be far from you at all. 

Although, considering you’d almost blown yourself up when you’d blown up Atriox… you didn’t blame him. 

Lindsay confirmed no cracked ribs, no concussion, just dehydration and bruising. Frankly, you were a little shocked you’d gotten off so well.

Although, maybe “well” wasn’t the word for it. 

The CO marched into medbay, looking between you and Master Chief. “What happened?” 

“We found the Endless,” Chief reported, voice perfectly even. The room got more crowded as Blue Team stood in the hallway, Fernando pushing up ahead of them to follow the CO into the exam room. Lindsay pressed herself back into a corner, eyes huge. “Atriox has been neutralized, but we did not learn his plan.” 

Tense silence filled the room for a moment before the CO nodded, just once. “The rest of the Endless?”

“The ones that were not neutralized fled.” 

The CO nodded again, his gaze turning to you. “And you? What happened?” 

You swallowed. Hoo boy. Time to tell your side of the tale. 

You got as far as being dropped in front of Atriox when you noticed your hands were shaking. You clenched your fingers around each other, focusing your gaze on John. Just John. If you focused hard enough on him, you’d make it through.

His hands were clenched into fists, too. 

By the time you’d recounted everything, exhaustion weighed heavily on you. Nothing sounded better than curling up somewhere dark and safe to sleep for a year. 

“You… blew him up.” The CO repeated the words slowly, expression caught between astounded and bemused. 

“Rolled a grenade under him.” You shrugged and then grimaced. Ouch. Right. Strained muscles. Probably time for more pain tea. 

The CO made a helpless little noise, like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not. You didn’t pay him any more attention, shifting your weight carefully before looking at Lindsay. 

“More tea?” she guessed, because she was the absolute best.

“Yeah,” you agreed on a little sigh. It was hard to drum up any kind of emotions now. You were drained. 

“And sleep,” she insisted, even as she edged carefully around the CO. 

You nodded, looking back at John. He hadn’t relaxed at all yet. He needed to get out of that armor and get some sleep too. 

“Well,” the CO finally sighed, “there’s nothing more to be done now. Any idea why the Halo moved?”

“From what I can tell, it looks like Atriox was trying to move the Halo, but he never finished putting in coordinates,” Joy said, appearing above Chief’s hand. “The Halo tried to compensate but we didn’t move far.” 

The CO nodded, brow furrowed as he considered. “Are we still moving?”

“No, sir.” Joy tucked her hands behind her back. 

“Then I guess there’s nothing to be done for now.” He sighed, shoulders slumping a little, before he looked at you. “Get some rest.” 

You nodded wordlessly - you would whether he’d told you to or not, and pretty soon it wouldn’t be a choice you made. You’d just knock out. 

The CO left, and Lindsay scurried back in with more tea. Once you’d grimaced your way through drinking that, she started to shoo you out… only to go silent when John picked you up again. 

“I’d tell you to keep off your leg, but I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” Lindsay joked, even as John ducked out of the room.

“I’ll see you soon,” you told Lindsay in lieu of answering her teasing. It was so, so tempting to just put your head down against the armor and go to sleep. Except that would not be comfortable. Or helpful. So you resisted the urge.

You were a bit surprised Blue Team and Fernando didn’t follow you and John back to your room, but you didn’t question it. Not worth asking, not when you were about two minutes away from falling into bed. 

“You staying?” you asked John quietly as he set you down. 

“Yes.” He removed his helmet first, looking you over quickly with his own eyes. Then he turned away to take off the rest of the armor, methodical but not slow. 

You just threw your soiled clothes somewhere. That was now a later problem. Dressed in shorts and an undershirt (miraculously clean), you crawled into bed. The aches had finally faded almost entirely, and you wanted nothing more than quiet and sleep. 

John slipped into bed with you silently, warm and firm. One arm tugged you closer to him, until his head was tucked behind yours. 

“Alright there?” you asked, words already starting to slur with sleep. 

“Just fine,” he murmured. “Sleep. I’m not moving.” 

You huffed a tiny laugh at the stubborn man but your eyes closed. You were asleep in seconds. 

You probably could have slept for a week, after the last couple days.

Instead, sirens woke both you and John. He was instantly awake, already moving, swinging his legs out of bed and lunging for his armor.

You flailed out of bed with a thump and a curse. 

“Wait here,” John told you, voice once again modified just enough to tell you he had the armor on. By the time you pushed up to your feet, he was gone, door open behind him. 

Stay here, your ass.

You hobbled out after him (your thigh really fucking hurt again), jaw clenched, heart pumping hard. If the Endless were back already you were going to pick up a gun and start shooting because this was getting ridiculous and you wanted more sleep, dammit. 

You only needed to go outside to figure out what was going on, fortunately, as a group of people were standing around looking up.

You looked up too.

Ships hung over the Halo. Intact ships. Undamaged ships.

Sangheili ships.

[save-the-villainous-cat]

How about some hurt/comfort about a sleep-deprived villain?

Convincing themselves that they were fine was easier than accepting that there was something unhealthily, severely and unmistakably wrong with them. In the back of their mind, it was normal to stay up for 22 hours a day. Not to mention that this had been going on for months.

What should’ve been a wake-up call left them yearning and moody. One time they’d seen the hero break into their apartment, their fingers sprinkled with blood, their suit glued to their muscles. The villain had wanted to jump up and confront them but they’d been much too flustered to do anything.

As if they were living together, the hero had taken their clothes off. They’d kissed the villain. Pushed them into the pillows. Gotten on top.

Two days later, the villain had mentioned it. And as the hero stared at them, blushing from head to toe, muttering that they were out with friends at that time, the villain noticed that there was something terribly weird going on. It had been a hallucination. A good one. So good that they wished it was real.

Some sick part of their brain thought that if they slept less, they’d get more of these. But they didn’t. Slowly, they found themselves hallucinating more. Creatures in the dark corners of their rooms, their food rotting in their fridge after a day, dead animals on their balcony. The villain considered doing some extreme things, going as far as using alcohol to end their suffering.

Eventually they didn’t. They deserved this.

One restless night, the hero showed up on their porch and in all their delusion, the villain was sure they were a hallucination, too.

“Hey.”

The villain didn’t answer.

“You lost your weapon today.”

What?

“When we were fighting in the parking lot. You lost it.”

“That’s why you’re here?” the villain asked, still not entirely convinced that this wasn’t only happening in their mind. They imagined what it would feel like if the hero pushed them against the door in this very moment.

The last months had been ridiculously lonely. A single one-night stand was all the physical touch they’d gotten over this time. After that they’d felt horrible. Sleeping with a stranger didn’t feel at all like they’d expected.

“No, actually…what you said about me coming over to yours brought me here.” The villain looked up from the spot they’d glared at.

“Forget about that. It was just a silly dream.” They were about to throw the door into the hero’s face but their enemy stepped into their house, foot holding the door open.

“I know you’ve lost your sidekick,” the hero said.

A punch to the throat would’ve been less painful. The villain’s grip on the door handle tightened until their knuckles turned as white as chalk.

Pushing it away was hurtful but not as hurtful as this. Confronting it. Thinking about it. It was so real yet so difficult to grasp. Understanding that someone is gone needs time and the villain simply hadn’t allowed themselves to take it.

They’d been so young.

“I…” A headache formed behind their forehead. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“I lost my first sidekick, too. It broke me,” the hero said. “I did some…questionable things while I was grieving. I’m not proud of it and they certainly didn’t help.”

“I’m okay,” the villain lied. “Don’t worry your pretty little head.”

“I can’t watch you destroy yourself.”

“Why not? Goal achieved.” The hero took another step and walked into the villain’s house faster than the villain thought to be possible.

“Because I save people. I don’t want to destroy them.”

Then where were you when they died? The villain didn’t say it out loud. Accusations wouldn’t bring them back.

“Please let me help you,” the hero whispered.

“Is this to clean your own conscience?” the villain asked.

“Actually, it’s because I like you.”

The villain froze.

“I can’t sleep,” they confessed. “I get two hours per night if I’m good.”

“Alright, I’m gonna run a bath for us. You need to relax,” the hero said, inviting themselves in. The villain could only stare as they walked past them.

I’m gonna run a bath for us.

For us.

[wheelie-sick]

was it difficult getting a wheelchair prescription/referral for eds? and how has your experience with deconditioning been? was the switch to wheelchair from other mobility aids worth it? i have eds and am expected to get a wheelchair prescription later this year and i’m anxious about how the appointment will go

while I would love to help you my wheelchair is not primarily for hEDS 😅

[proceeds to write a really long fucking post with answers anyways]

anyways it's beneath the cut

I had a very easy time getting a referral because I have numerous comorbidities and my wheelchair was primarily for miserable malalignment. it was done in combination with the hEDS and lupus.

I'll still answer the other questions though

deconditioning

deconditioning was and is a very huge struggle for me especially because in the past I was a near full time wheelchair user and occasionally was completely unable to weight bear for about a month at a time. this meant I was basically doing no walking. this had all the consequences of doing no walking. I haven't had physical therapy in a long time either (even though I should) which did not help the situation.

I didn't really notice the deconditioned until I started shifting back to walking more. my legs were extremely weak and I was having a hard time walking short distances. I definitely had to build up to longer ones and it was a slow process.

I now walk significantly more--I'd say about 30% of the time--which is not a large number but it's enough to keep my legs strong enough that I can do things like hike sometimes. I do try to keep up with PT exercises. I am bad at it but anything is better than nothing.

basically my point is walk as much as possible and do your physical therapy

I will say that to some extent the muscle you build in your arms does make up for the muscle lost in your legs. it's not a 1:1 but it's not like you're losing muscle and gaining none- you are gaining some.

other mobility aids

god this is another one that's really influenced by other factors that weren't hEDS but I'll answer it anyways and try to pick out what's hEDS and what's not.

when I got my wheelchair referal I had active, untreated lupus leaving me unable to make it to the bathroom more than 1-2 times a day. when I got my wheelchair I had worse active, untreated lupus and was in and out of the hospital. I was also struggling to make it to the bathroom and was not eating (in part because I was throwing all of it up, in part because the campus dining hall was outside my radius of movement even with my hospital wheelchair) my point with this is that I needed that wheelchair pretty desperately. I had a hospital wheelchair, it was very difficult to use because it was 4 inches too large. I did use it, it was my primary mobility aid, but it limited my life a lot. it was more a "go to the bathroom" mobility aid than a "go to my classes" mobility aid

active lupus likes to attack your connective tissue a lot so it was also making my joints more unstable. couldn't figure out where to include this in the last paragraph but part of the cause of my pain was lupus' impact on my hEDS joints.

when I got my custom wheelchair I started using it for just about everything immediately because it was the most freeing thing I had ever experienced. (I got to leave my dorm building!!!!! I got to leave my dorm building!!!!!!!!!!!!)

[ID: a window selfie taken in a window with decals saying "UNM lobos" the person is sitting in a rigid manual wheelchair with his arm on the wheel]

look at me outside my dorm building for the first time in a month!!!! you can't see it but I was so absolutely thrilled

so was it worth it for me? yes, 1000× yes. I cried when I first moved around in it in the ATP's office

hEDS and the switch

so while it was absolutely worth it for me I wanted to share some of the factors that are actually hEDS related (though most of these are influenced by other parts of my disorder cocktail)

when it comes to pros, I do experience a lot of pain from hEDS and my leg pain is very mitigated by my wheelchair. when it comes to cons my shoulders have new pain! it's awful. when it comes to pros, my wheelchair is fit in a way that really helps alleviate my back pain from SI joint in instability-- if your chair doesn't have a good backrest SI joint pain will get worse, get a good backrest (I personally recommend the varilite icon so much thst they should start paying me for the advertising) it also supports my comorbid scoliosis a lot. it's useful during comorbid POTS flares but my POTS is pretty well managed now so that's mostly irrelevant for me (and you have to be careful using wheelchairs for POTS because they can decondition you and make things worse in the long run)

speaking of deconditioning you already seem pretty aware of deconditioning concerns so I won't dive into that one

it has made my joint dislocations & subluxations much less frequent because mine were primarily happening in my knees. it has made elbow subluxations a revived problem

basically it's what you'd expect- easier on the lower body harder on the upper body. also your spine. there's a lot of stress on your spine using a wheelchair so you have to take that into account. push for a good backrest, consider one that's medium height (at least, depending on other needs) understand you will probably throw your back out multiple times.

was it worth it with hEDS for me? I'd say yeah. while my wheelchair is not primarily for hEDS, hEDS is still a large component in it.

this was very rambly, sorry about that, I am writing this at 3 am, I hope this helps some?

I wish you so much luck getting your wheelchair they are so life changing and I hope you find it to be worth it!!!!! 💕💕

[k1ngdom-of-thieves]

Can you do this https://at.tumblr.com/k1ngdom-of-thieves/hi-there-can-you-do-headcanons-for-the/qpbnbhv4sgel but with the vice dorm leaders?

Of course! Thanks for coming back :)

Vice Dorm leaders + Finding out reader is a girl

Trey Clover

Poor guy genuinely had no idea that you were until you told him. Depending on if you told him during book 1 or waited until later to tell him, he’ll feel slightly embarrassed or absolutely mortified that he made that mistake.

He’d apologize anyway but will still feel really guilty about it. Let him bake you a pastry or something just so he can feel better over it. Those things look so good anyway.

He asks if the others in the Heartslabyul dorm know and if you’d like him to tell them. He doesn’t mind telling them, although he might be a little embarrassed if he was the last one to realize you were a girl.

“Is there anything specific you’d like me to bake? I know you said it didn’t bother you, but I still wanted to apologize somehow.”

Ruggie Bucchi

Ruggie had a feeling that you were a girl. Your scent was different from the rest of the guys so he had a feeling. Still feels great to be proven right tho.

He won’t ask you about it because: 1 it’s really none of his business, and 2 there’s no guarantee that you’ll actually tell the truth when asked. So he waited for you to tell him, if you ever wanted to.

He’d ask if you told others about this before making jokes. If you said yes, prepare for the dumbest jokes you’ve ever heard. Almost constantly.

Ruggie’s gonna try to get you to do dumb shit with him just so he can’t get in trouble with Leona. He kinda forgot that only you wouldn’t get in trouble and he would still get his ass kicked.

“Hey (Y/N), wanna hear something fun we could do? How about we go into Leona’s room when he’s in the observatory and take a couple bucks?”

Jade Leech

Jade was actually surprised that you were a girl. He never really thought about it since it was an all boys school, but he’s realizes it must’ve been obvious in hindsight.

His surprise only lasts for a little while before it turns into his signature off putting smile. He chuckles and comments on how difficult it must’ve been to be the only girl for a few miles. Bro do you know how terrifying that sounds.

Of course he wouldn’t try to do anything to you. yet He’s just letting you know that if you need anything, your friends at the Monstro Lounge are always here to help. For a price.

If you’re worried about someone harassing you, just ask Jade to help you. He’d be more than happy to stand threateningly behind you to scare away anyone who tries to get to you.

“Just remember if you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I doubt anyone would want to bother you after hearing we’re in cahoots.”

Jamil Viper

Jamil did have the passing thought of you not actually being a guy. It wasn’t something he took seriously, it was just a random thought. ..right?

Until you told him that you were a girl. Even though he had thought about it before, he never once thought about it actually being true.

Don’t think that he’s taking this negatively, he’s just completely in shock. He’s actually really happy that you decided to trust him with this information.

He’s more than willing to help out with anything you might need. He has a younger sister, so he has a general idea of what to do if you get any pains or discomfort.

“I’m going to Sam’s shop to buy a couple of things. Would you like me to bring you a few things? Don’t worry, I won’t make you pay me back.”

Rook Hunt

Rook 100% knew you were a girl before you even spoke to each other. How? Don’t question it, his answer probably wouldn’t make much sense anyway.

He wouldn’t say anything about it before you told him, he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable! Bro you cross that bridge a while ago. He wants to make sure you’re ok with others knowing that you’re a girl before walking around school announcing it.

Thinks it’s so beautiful how you manage to make connections while being so fundamentally different from everyone around you. He finds your stubborn strength to persevere inspiring!

Will tell tales of your efforts even if it was something really mundane. He just wants you know that he sees how hard you try, in his own odd way.

“Oh how have I been blessed to see the trickster and her companions beat the odds yet again!”

Ortho Shroud (Completely platonic)

Ortho’s sensors initially told him that you were a girl, but he thought that there was an error and had Idia check them out. It was only after Idia told him there was nothing wrong, he finally realized that you were actually a girl.

He’s gonna be a little confused for a while, he didn’t know that it was possible for a girl to attend an all boys school. Then again, most schools don’t have robot younger brothers so he figures he’s in the same boat as you.

He doesn’t mention anything to you until you tell him, he doesn’t want to accidentally make a friend uncomfortable. Besides, he’s learned not to point things out before others tell him. Once he pointed out Floyd’s jacket was missing buttons. Didn’t end well.

Installs applications that help him understand more feminine topics. Even if you aren’t into traditionally feminine things, he just doesn’t want you to feel isolated.

“I hope I can help you when you want to have someone to talk to. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia had no idea that you were a girl, but he isn’t that surprised. He’s seen a lot of different people in his time, so a girl in an all-boys school is honestly pretty mundane for him.

Aside from the simple change of pronouns, his treatment of you is really similar. He treats all of his friends the same, so he never needed to change how he acts around you.

He does get a little protective of you around some of the boys. Father’s reflex. With him on your side, most of the student body wouldn’t dare bother you.

Don’t be afraid to ask him if you need anything, he’d be more than happy to help. He may seem like he has a lot on his plate, with watching over practically everyone in his dorm; but he doesn’t mind doing something for you now and then.

“Well, I’m glad that you trust me enough to tell me. Let me know if you need someone to talk to. I’m sure that with my many years of walking this land, I might know something to make you feel better.”

[love-toxin]

not sure if this is something you're comfortable with so if it is, i apologize and just ignore this. Im not normally a big period sex person but today is the first day of my period and all i can think is Eddie selling me weed and enticing me into sleeping with him.

like please sir. ease my cramps. just wanna get high with him and have some sex with him to ease my mood 🥴💀😭

EHEH. as someone with the worst periods imaginable, this appeals to me greatly. teehee!

cws: blood, period sex, drugs, smoking, outdoor sex, first kisses, dominance kink, you awaken eddie's caregiving kink, period talk, petnames, crying, fluff and comfort, fem reader.

".....Huh. So that's why you want it, huh?"

Eddie's teasing you--he must be. He'd tried so hard to extract the truth out of you, pondering the question of why such a delicate little girl like you was sniffing him out for some weed out of the blue, and now he's got his answer.

Yeah, your period's kicking your ass. It's always been painful, but it's just gotten more and more difficult to deal with as you've gotten older. It's reached a level where you can barely get out of bed some days, and even your friends have noticed you struggling to focus on classes and just get through the day at all. Your last resort, after dozens of emptied pill bottles and hot water bottles used so much they're leaking, is the town's second-best drug dealer: Eddie Munson.

"Izzit really that bad?" He queries, brown eyes trained on you.

"If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here." You snap, not intentionally, but it was gonna come out that way no matter what. At least you can expect he won't mock you with the question of whether you're on the rag, because he already knows you are.

"Okay, okay, I get it. But don't complain if it doesn't help." He shrugs his shoulders, and rolls a couple joints with such a quick hand he makes it look easy. Deft fingers tuck the paper in on itself as he makes sure nothing falls out, because he reassured you that he would do a good job since you can't do it yourself. It's actually a little surprising that he didn't tease you at all for that--until you hear what he has to say next. "I, uh, hope it does, though. Y'know. Can't imagine bleeding every month is easy."

"Obviously it's not....but....thank you, Eddie." He finishes the joint, and looks over at his lunchbox in contemplation. There seems to be something on his mind, some thought rolling around in that brain rooted in by long, curly waves of hair.

"...Is what they say true?"

"What?" He fiddles with the clasp like he's got something he'd rather be saying, but his hands are soon busied with a lighter lying nearby that he flicks open and closed.

"....That you can help period pain with orgasms?" He strikes you dumb, speechless even, and when the air comes back into your lungs you spit out the first thing that comes to mind.

"Perv."

"Humour me." He's surprisingly serious about it, at least he seems that way. You were convinced this was a tease, a friendly jab at your expense, but the way Eddie's looking at you....the intense staring contest you share is interrupted only when you clear your throat, and Eddie's eyes drop to ignite the little burst of flame that erupts from the zippo, before he holds it to a joint he swipes up and puts in his mouth.

"...Yes. I think. I don't really do anything on mine...it's just..." This is so embarrassing. Why are you spilling your guts to Eddie Munson of all people? He cups the flame with his newly freed hand to keep the light from going out, and finally returns your shy gaze when he clicks the lighter closed and puffs on it before plucking it off his lips.

"Messy?" He hands the joint over to face the unlit end towards you, and you take it gratefully to sweep a cloud of smoke into your needy lungs.

"Y-Yeah."

The silence is deafening as you smoke together, passing it back and forth once, and then twice.

"...I could help you."

"Yeah, sure." You brush him off. What a cruel joke while you're already vulnerable. Eddie leans in close.

"I'm serious. Gimme ten minutes. Swear I can help you." If your heart was any more silent, you would've expected yourself to drop dead--because in that moment, it's so quiet you can hear a pin drop in the forest. Eddie tilts his head, searching for an answer or a streak of disgust in your pretty eyes, and waits out the silence with an unsettlingly serious expression on his face. One that splits into a smirk when you finally nod 'yes', throat clenched too tight to even think of saying it out loud.

"Gotta make this quick then, sweetheart." He drops the stubby end of the joint into the gravel, snuffing it out with the toe of his sneaker in the same motion he uses to get up out of his seat, hands braced on the table and shaking with excitement. It comes out in his breathing too, shuddered breaths puffing out his chest as he circles round the table to your side, the anticipation driving one of those hands into your hair and his lips between your brows as he tugs at your top.

"Wait, w-we're gonna make a mess, though!" You hiss in a whisper, breaking off of the heart-battering kiss for your head to swivel back and forth, eyes scanning the woods for an audience as Eddie pulls you up to your feet and shuffles you over to the side of the table--your butt pressed against the edge before he lifts you up to sit on top of it, grinning like a fool the whole way.

"Yeah we are," He breathes, smelling of pot and cigarettes and lust. "Gonna make a fuckin' mess of you, princess."

The weed is hitting you now. The world is tinged with warmth, a fuzzy feeling in your brain that leaks down your veins and makes the fire burning in your belly burn even hotter. Each graze of Eddie's fingertips against your skin as he pulls your panties down your legs strikes another match, and although you know in your head that this is such a bad idea, the thought of stopping makes you whine--it feels good, and that's all that matters. It's a quick dive into an all-encompassing high, and by then you're so amiable you fully commit to what you're doing. Eddie's mouth presses into your neck as he whispers a question, and you nod again, clutching at his shirt and his toned arms as he kisses reassurance into your skin and tugs the string of your tampon until it comes completely out. Throws it somewhere, abandons it into the world that doesn't exist to you right now--because the only things that do are you, Eddie, and the table keeping you upright.

"You're so weird, Eddie.." You whimper into his neck, hiding your face in his shirt and his hair, all while he's undoing his zipper and tugging his half-hard cock out from his boxers. "You sh-should be grossed out..."

He really should. No guy you've ever met would dare to get near you or any girl on their period, and here's Eddie Munson offering to soothe your cramps with an orgasm, and guiding his cockhead to slide between your folds without care to how much blood must be coating it. You can feel it dripping down your ass where you sit, so it must be quite a bit--he teases you with a gentle prod inside, just barely enough to sheathe the tip, and his back buckles when he gets a feel for just how tight you really are.

"Come over later, and I'll eat you out too." The whine that rips out of you at that amuses him, and he chuckles in a way that sounds more like a growl as he finally slides in all the way. "Don't hide that pretty face from me."

His fingers clamp down on the back of your neck, yanking your head back to see your expression twisting up with worry and twinging with an ache from the deep stretch he's putting upon you. Your eyes are still darting to the side and behind him, your brain spinning too fast with fear of being caught--but he angles your head so you're level with him, bright eyes finally settling on his as he struggles not to claim your lips in a kiss he's been wanting since you first sat down across from him.

"S'just you and me," He pants, clearly focusing hard on not getting overwhelmed with the rather unique sensations. "Don't worry about anything else. Just focus on me. I'll take care of everything."

One buck of his hips, an experimental one, and any attempt to stay quiet on your end is futile. A very pleased cry tears its way out of your lungs and rings out into the forest, and while Eddie dips his head on instinct, he halts at a stop while his hips keep rolling, slowly.

"Can I kiss you?" You blink absentmindedly at him, trying to process that request while his lips are so close to yours, and look so kissable.

"I like to kiss when I do it." He smiles to reassure you, uses it as a weapon despite his eyes squinting and his face growing hot as he finds his rhythm. "Please? Promise it won't mean anything."

"Don't promise me that..." You say without thinking, mind muddled and hazy with want and your arms linking up around his shoulders to lean in closer, your noses bumping each other's. A surprised "Oh?" slips out of him, followed closely by a moan as he hits some kind of resistant wall inside you. The drugs make it all fuzzy, so it doesn't even hurt, but Eddie's being too sweet for you to think it would anyways.

"You into the freak, sweetheart? Was this your plan?"

"No! Shut up, Eddie!" Gasping, you're sucking the exhaled breaths out of his lungs in the shared space, but your words have no bite and the throaty snicker that escapes him when you fall for his trap prove that he knows it. He's faster, losing a little bit of that confident decorum, one hand on your lower back while the other busies itself with sliding messy circles into your clit.

"Hit a nerve," He gasps as you tighten around him, your back arching into his thrusts, while your pussy drools with all manner of slick; blood, arousal, and the spit off of Eddie's quick fingers. "Did I?"

"Stop making fun of me..." You finally whimper, breaking that facade as the world hits your shoulders and you feel the weed stirring up all your emotions and bringing them out. That mixed with the hormonal shifts of your mood have you teary-eyed and sniffly, and yet Eddie's not bothered--he looks entertained, has a soft look on his features, he pulls you closer against him and nuzzles the tip of your nose with his.

"Sorry, baby," He chuckles again, deeper this time, and narrows his eyes down at your lips. "I just like you too."

I like you too. Those words are foreign, even more so in Eddie's voice, but they're not unpleasant. Not even close. Eddie gives you one last chance to bail, one moment of hesitation with his mouth so close to yours, and you don't waste it. You close that distance between you, soft lips meeting chapped but warm ones, and Eddie moans almost immediately into the kiss like it's even hotter to him than fucking you outright. It doesn't last long but it doesn't have to, it's sweet and it's perfect, and there will be more. God, there will be so many more if the glimmer in his eyes when you break the first one is anything of a tell.

"Think I hook up with just anyone I deal to? 'M not some--ngh--common whore." He laughs. What a nice way to say "This is the first time, you're the only one I would do this with." in a way that still befits your Eddie. Your Eddie.

"C-Cum in me, Eds..." You whine, pawing at his shoulders to pull him closer as he works his hips, muscles flexing as he puts in so much effort to rub your clit in tandem. He's close too, you can feel it, can feel the twitches and spasms of his dick as he chases that spot inside you--the one that's so soft it makes you buckle into him when he pummels it, and causes you to gush all over him when he thumbs your clit just right at the same time.

"Can't," He pants, forehead pressed against yours to kiss you again between every few words. "Ask me when we're both sober." He chuckles out, sliding right into a groan as he hits his stride and starts rocking the table beneath you with the weight of his hips slapping against yours.

"Not gonna let you...pull out..." You lock your legs around his thin waist, ankles hooking behind his back to yank him closer and keep those thrusts short and sharp. He can barely manage to touch you, you're so close, and with gritted teeth he relents and wipes his fingers clean of the blood on his pants.

"My good girl," He pulls back, hands cupping both sides of your face and tugging strands of errant hair away from your eyes. He looks innocent, but his voice turns sinister in a second as he squishes your cheeks in a strong grip. "You're gonna do whatever I fucking tell you to do."

Immediately, you let your legs drop from where they once sat on his hips, going limp and boneless in his hold as your orgasm creeps up closer and closer on you. His voice is sexy when he's close but the words, those are something you won't shake loose from your thoughts so easily. Your fingers flutter to clasp over his hands on your cheeks, your bodies moving with no help from your arms yet your satisfaction growing with the harsh scraping of his wiry hairs against your clit on each thrust. You want his cum so bad in the moment, want him to commit completely to making you a mess--but following his commands somehow feels....better. Feel that fluttering in your tummy and your clit when he speaks up and says anything with that stern tone.

"Shit, you're cute when you obey me--f-fuck, fuck it, god-" Eddie's hand shoots down in those last few moments, desperately pawing and rubbing at your sensitive little spot to put that pressure on it that you need--and it makes you clench so hard around him that it's all he needs to finish, forgoing any sense and conscience to keep quiet as he runs his mouth with dirty words and slips out of you, the cool breeze on his bare cock all he needs for it to spit heavy globs of pearly-white cum all over your thighs. He tries, really he tries not to get it near your slit, but a fat dribble of it shoots right across your clit as the icing on the cake. Not that you would notice or care, though, as you're squealing Eddie's name and clinging to him dearly as you cum around nothing and your body shakes with waves of pleasure that blot out everything but him.

It's like a spiritual experience in a way--the tears spilling down your cheeks and wetting Eddie's hands as he cups them, rubbing you through your orgasm until you can't take another second of pleasure and bump his hand away, slumping completely in his arms and laying your head on his shoulder. It sobers you up somewhat; the clear-headedness after you cum, the cold air hitting your sensitive areas, and the smell and touch of Eddie as he strokes your hair and talks you down back into real life. It hurts but it feels good, it aches but you're glowing....you want to say something sweet, to tell him something sincere, to do anything, but when you finally sit up and look down the tears just overwhelm you again.

"Eddie, my skirt..." You sniffle, shakily lifting it up with one hand to assess it. There's blood everywhere, soaking your clothing and the table, staining Eddie's crotch and his jeans, and there's a puddle of it mixed with his cum on the ground beneath you. At least his pants are dark, so it's not noticeable on him, but it's light out and you look like you came straight out of Carrie. "I can't...c-can't.."

"Shh," Eddie soothes, guiding your face forward to kiss your forehead. His voice is so much lower now, seemingly unfazed by the circumstances even though he seriously should be. "You have a tampon, sweetheart?"

"In my bag," You whimper, and he doesn't bother cleaning himself off before he zips back up. Deftly, he pulls your backpack over to dig inside the first pocket he sees before pulling one out triumphantly. "I'll..I'll..." Your hands are too shaky. You can barely open the plastic when he hands it to you, and even when Eddie does it for you, you can't even aim it right. You've never felt so pathetic, despite just having the best time of your life, and making such a big mess is just so embarrassing. He must think I'm gross.

"I can put it in for you, sweetheart. Just talk me through it." There's no energy for you to even shake your head, you just let your lip wobble and beg him not to tease you, to which he responds with a kiss and a solemn swear that he won't say a word. He even pauses to retrieve some abandoned tissues in his lunchbox to clean you up first, at least to get the cum wiped off and most of the blood dried for the moment.

And when you give in, it's easy--he does exactly as he's told, seems somewhat familiar with it within moments of handling it, and as quick a learner as ever he pushes the proper end in and pulls the plastic out, smiling with pride in himself as he slips the applicator into the packaging and tucks it into his pocket to throw away later.

"Feel better, at least?" He finally murmurs with a clean hand on your cheek, not daring to move you for fear of making you dizzy or pushing you too far. And he hasn't left, hasn't shown even an inkling of desiring to, which just boggles your mind further but makes it easier to let those thoughts spill out.

"You ruined everything." You lean into him, worry turning his features. An unexpectedly sincere and slightly frantic apology is halfway off his lips before you cut him off rather abruptly, though. "You're the only thing that makes it better now..."

"Really? Not the weed?" He giggles at how sweetly you say it, the compliment evidently like music to his ears. "Guess I'll have to help you again. We'll do it somewhere a little cleaner next time, mkay?"

You hum in agreement, amiable to whatever he says so long as you get to keep listening to his voice. "Want me to drive you home, or you wanna change and go back to class?"

"Yours?"

Eddie rubs your chin with a calloused thumb, his teeth gleaming all white and pretty as the rest of his life flashes before his eyes. It's dangerous to go home with a boy you don't know that well--but Eddie's clearly not that kind of guy, and the kiss he so lovingly presses to your lips when he gets you on your feet, and ties his beloved Dio jacket around your waist, says it all.

"Course, sweetheart. I'll take good care of you, for being such a sweet girl to me. Don't you worry about a thing."

[answer2jeff]

the fatherhood theory:

my take on lip gallagher finding purpose in parenthood.

First things first, I quickly want to congratulate the writers for beautifully articulating the accuracy of Lip's initial reaction to Freddy's birth.

Tami had an extremely complicated birth that resulted in her requiring surgery. Lip, both as a new father and as a boyfriend, was legitimately terrified. He couldn't decide if he should stay with Tami or their son. His thought process probably included the possibility of the mother of his child suffering, further trailing to the fear of fatherly absence. Naturally, considering Lip's lack of a genuine father figure, contributing anything remotely resembling neglect or failure to accommodate to his son feels like the worst and most unforgivable thing he could ever do.

Secondly, I want to say that although Tami is quite different compared to Lip's other love interests, I think she was relatively realistic at the time. She has drive and compassion, and Lip loves a good sarcastic girl who affectionately ridicules the guy she loves. She's abrasive in a way that is more meant to establish her intelligence rather than actually put others around her down. Tami is also terrible at accepting criticism, but doesn't respond in the explosive anger that Lip does. She's more passive aggressive than, well...aggressive aggressive. Even though it's not quite the healthiest, it's much more flexible than rage.

In short, Lip sees a lot of himself in Tami. But, she's a more put together, determined version of him. She's the star that Lip never really turned out to be, even if she's not absolutely perfect. Their relationship is accurate for the conditions of the show (and Lip's life.) Tami doesn't give Lip a lot of opportunities to self sabotage because she's pretty much dubbed herself the lead of their relationship.

(not ignoring the fact that she said he'd be a shitty father by the way. that crushed my soul and i'll never forgive her but that's besides the point.)

Having to decide to let professionals (doctors and nurses, who he notoriously does not trust (rooted by capitalistic healthcare environments and the need for independence due to his childhood trauma), try their best to help Tami when she was literally blue and unresponsive, was difficult and extremely scary.

However, once Freddy has been properly cleaned and prepared to be held by his father, Lip suddenly finds the answer to so many of his interpersonal questions.

"I seem to have ruined everything I was once good at. Is there anything I won't automatically ruin just because I don't think I deserve it?"

Fatherhood.

"Would I be any better at this than my parents were?"

Yes, with practice.

"Would I be able to break the cycle?"

Yes, with love.

"Is it necessary for me to feel so deeply about the world?

Yes. Even if it's painful.

"And was it ever worth hiding that with anger?"

To some extent, yes. You wanted to protect yourself.

"Am I, deep down, past my inevitable quickness to rage, a good person?"

Yes. You always have been.

In hindsight, his excitement for becoming a dad seems kind of obvious considering his overjoyed and emotional reaction. But I think we can dig deeper beyond this surface level impression. Even if it's genuine and ultimately very good at showing Lip's love for his son. Something that I think really prepared Lip for the complications of parenthood was the time period during his time as a college student taking care of Liam.

He'd been surrounded by family members for his entire life that he did not trust. When Fiona, his beacon of support throughout his whole childhoo despite their complicated sibling relationship, made such a grave mistake that reflected neglect, Lip felt unsafe. Both Frank and Monica were typical offenders of drug and alcohol abuse. And they regularly dabbled in allowing these substance issues to affect their children.

Now there was really nobody in his family he could trust. Lip would have to re-learn how to fend for himself and his family. He's had plenty of experience, but he had a support system. Even if it contained his own siblings who lived the same abusive life as he did. But now that he didn't trust anyone around Liam, he literally had to become his primary caregiver.

"You're the closest thing to a dad we've ever had," said Ian Gallagher.

Becoming Freddy's father was the love that Lip needed in his life. Girlfriends are replaceable. Lip has proven this. But he always believed that once you become a father, you do not have the right to back out. And he'd always hold himself to that standard.

This is your life now. Do it right, or go to hell.

People like Lip need to have people in their lives who unconditionally rely on them. His siblings have chosen many times (and rightfully of course) to handle personal matters without Lip's advice. He hasn't gotten to feel as needed or as important as he deserved to be. Having a child, though unexpected, was the missing piece to the endless puzzle that was his life's purpose.

Lip's desire to be a good father not only stemmed from the failure of his own parents, but the fact that guiding his siblings through life was the one thing that everyone around him that everyone was convinced he couldn't do better than anyone else. (Personally, I think Fiona did a great job as an older sister. I'm more speaking from the perspectives and opinions of his siblings.)

Lip will feel love for himself through Teddy. Once he can finally succeed for the long term, he will find peace.

Not to say that he's automatically perfect, because he's not (and no one else is), but he's ready to take on the challange.

Freddy is the love of Lip's life.

And he always will be.

[fabaceous]

do you think jackieshauna could've gotten together eventually if the plane didn't crash/if jackie hadn't died or were they doomed from the start?

hi anon i know this took a while (sorry) but it's because this is one of my favorite cans of worms to open and i had a lot to say. so thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about it ;)

my answer, depending on the day and my mood, ranges from NO to YES, BUT to NO, BUT.

NO, because i think that even on a pure friendship level they are doomed. their flaws were like, designed in a lab (or a writer's room lol) to tear them apart. jackie is insecure and holds on too tightly to shauna. shauna quietly resents jackie for it and fucks around behind her back. as long as they have these traits, their relationship is a ticking time bomb. they will never make it within ten miles of a romantic relationship because even their friendship is doomed.

NO, because even if their friendship doesn't implode, they are both simply too damn repressed to ever make a move. im not even saying this as a cop-out, like, i truly believe in my heart and soul that they both have latent romantic feelings for each other but they tie themselves in all sorts of pretzels to avoid it and i'll go even further and say they are both REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT. like more so than most people. given my own experiences denying my (in hindsight incredibly obvious) feelings for girls (and i SUCK at repressing things) i have no doubt at all that they could go the rest of their lives convincing themselves that some girlfriendships are Just Like That. the human mind is a very powerful thing and the human mind on comphet and repression? nearly unstoppable. and even if they dont have some world-shattering blowout, and their friendship just sort of fizzles out for some nebulous and ambiguous (read: gay yearning related) reason, years later they'll still be looking back at their relationship saying Huh. Wasnt That Weird...Well...Nevertheless...I'm Sure It Was Nothing To Worry About...

like, okay, im gonna spend a little more time with this one because i think their repression is so key to their dynamic. jackie is obviously unable to face any aspect of herself that is even remotely imperfect. gay feelings for shauna would definitely fall into that category given what i assume she has internalized from her parents and her peers and it being the 1990s. shauna, while more willing to accept her dark side, cant bear the thought of wanting jackie like that. its the one bridge she cant cross. she'll literally fuck jeff. fucking JEFF!!! before she lets herself act on desire for jackie (at least not in a straightforward/normal way lol)

i think both of them on some level must feel that they have a desire for each other, or else they wouldn't be so desperate to avoid it. but they are SO desperate to avoid it, and i don't really have anything to back this up other than my gut feeling but i just can't imagine them ever overcoming their respective hurdles of repression, and definitely not under normal high-school circumstances. MAYBE in the wilderness they would've had a chance IF THINGS HAD GONE VERY DIFFERENTLY because they would be free from societal expectations or whatever, and maybe a life or death situation could've given them enough of a shock that they'd finally own up to their feelings. but EVEN THEN, personally, i think it's still questionable. i think this is just so deeply rooted that it would be anywhere from incredibly difficult to impossible for both of them to get past it. (it's no good if only one of them overcomes the repression, btw. then you just have unrequited pining (but secretly actually requited but the other person won't admit that they're requiting it so it's effectively unrequited which would be perhaps even worse and more painful. btw. if you even care))

now on to the other options...

YES, BUT, even if by some miracle they were able to get past their repression and date each other, i guarantee you all their toxic habits would be not only repeated but MAGNIFIED by being in a romantic relationship. like, ok, the good news is, they would finally be free to be openly obsessed with each other lol. but... imagine jackie gets EVEN MORE insecure about shauna leaving her because now she actually feels like she has a legit claim on shauna being "hers". before, her possessiveness (for lack of a more nuanced term) was tempered by the fact that they are just friends, and shauna should theoretically be allowed to have other friends, even if jackie doesn't like it. but shauna should NOT be having other girlfriends. so jackie would likely be reaching new levels of terrified of shauna leaving her. shauna would still be unable to address conflict directly. rinse and repeat this whooooole vicious cycle until it blows up in their faces like laura le--[gunshot]

finally, NO, BUT, and this one may be controversial & a bit more far fetched than the others, but i do think that under the right circumstances they could kiss or even fuck without it compromising their repression. i actually even think they could have a sort of sneaky situationship while still repressing their bigscaryfeelings for each other. HEAR ME OUT. they are both very careful about compartmentalizing their desire for each other and keeping it hidden FROM THEMSELVES. they often fail and it boils over despite their best efforts, but the more important thing is that they think they're succeeding at keeping their desire from breaching containment. and as long as they have that plausible deniability where they are hiding it from themselves, even if they don't manage to hide it from the rest of us (or even each other), i dont think its impossible for them to act on the desire, like, on pure instinct, but without actually intellectually or emotionally acknowledging the larger implications that that brings. and even if the desire breaches containment, they could still find a way to write it off as just desire in general and not desire for each other specifically. especially when they also still have the excuse of being horny teenagers with no impulse control, they could easily brush it off as, oh, we were just drunk, we were just experimenting. or even, oh, it was just shauna, it's not like i actually LIKE-like her, i just made out with her, but its shauna, so it obviously doesnt mean anything.

and i think they could even do this consistently for weeks months MAYBE up to a year or so, while deluding themselves into thinking this is somehow normal or not a big deal. because they have already proven they are masters of doublethink and repression, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten this far lol. but it would 100% also blow up in their faces. the question is, who would crack first? who would want something real? or who would walk away because it got too real? theres sooo much to ponder with this particular scenario and it's all very juicy and compelling (and GOD would i love to see it unfold with my own two eyeballs, can bart and ashley please write and film an AU of their own tv show?!) but i dont think it would ever lead them anywhere good or healthy.

so long story short (lol. conciseness has never been my strong suit as is probably abundantly clear by now) i personally do not think there is any possibility of a satisfying happy-ending scenario for these two. and i personally am perfectly okay with that because so much about them would have to change in order for them to get a happy ending that at that point, they would no longer be the jackie and shauna that i know and love.