#these things happened at the same time and rich people were like hmmmmmm what if we just still had all the power

[letters-to-rosie]

the fan is a good point---the mines likely have moved. there are probably still some, but obviously it's not as common as it was in Silco's day, because his whole pitch to the chembarons is also "let me remind you why we're not going back to the mining days," which also implies that the worst of that time is behind them, but it would have needed to exist at one point in order for Piltover to grow and get the label of city of progress and finance things like mines overseas (the question then is whether the mines are privately owned or owned by Piltover as an entity... the type of capitalism is vague but we clearly have something)

I've made a couple posts elsewhere talking about the idea that Zaunites commute to Piltover in large numbers, also based on the idea of the blockade (and because you can't convince me that Pilties do their own, say, sanitation work wholesale), and multiple posts calling what Jayce and Viktor do to the city's economy "hexgate neoliberalism," which doesn't map onto the setting perfectly but works a little too nicely lol. the short of it would is that the rise of neoliberalism in the western world typically also meant the decline of industry-centered economies. the factories get offshored, the economy moves more towards trade and service, and the city becomes a "financial center." they had those before but they had more factories and stuff

hexgates seems to have had a similar effect, making Piltover a "global shipping lane," as Shoola puts it, and clearly most of the city's wealthiest people require the hexgates to do business (the Mel and Jayce scene at the theater). they could still be involved in mining/industry, but that's happening less, probably

AND the other clue is the way that neoliberalism affects something that is really important to Marx's analysis of capitalism, the surplus army of labor. these are like unemployed people who want to be employed and are kept out of the labor market so capitalists can keep control over their workforce, so there's always a place to fall down to, and so the surplus army of labor can be called on for seasonal work, etc. but you don't want this group to be too big. Marx claims that the group being too big is a major driver of English and Irish immigrants to the US in the 1800s. and lowkey implies it's the reason, other than racism and stealing land, for the potato famine. anyway, under neoliberalism, the surplus army of labor starts getting kinda big and winds up more and more precarious. so we see now, like 50 years into neoliberalism, the rise of gig work, terrible job stability everywhere, etc, and the global advent of neoliberalism also coincides historically with changes in the global drug trade. I read an article about this during my masters lol. in the US, Michelle Alexander's famous book The New Jim Crow suggests that this shift led to the war on drugs, that as industrialism fell, drug use rose, and the surplus army of labor was shuffled off to prison more and more

it's easy to imagine how increased worker precarity and generally worsening conditions for the poor would be kinda convenient for a guy wanting to sell a certain purple substance and in need to a network to get it out there. and that relying less on industry and mining would make it easier for the wealthy to ignore it

There is a theory that the way children play serves as a means to simulate and prepare them for the tasks they'll take on as adults. So for all the narrative weight both Jinx and the story give the boxing machine at the arcade it would never have prepared her or the kids to take on Piltover.

What are the two things that Piltovans excel at over their Zaunite counterparts to keep the hierarchy? Weapons and technological development.

When you look at the way Piltovans invest in their children, they don't prioritize hand to hand/melee combat training. Piltovans focus on giving their children experiences in handling firearms, a pursuit that is both leisure sport for the wealthy and a key offense against dissenting Zaunites.

And from the show notes even Jayce, whose family occupies the upper middle class, was sent on educational excursions across Runeterra to explore the world and learn what it had to offer. Without Jayce's education abroad he would never have been inspired to pursue the concept hextech.

It's no wonder that the two figures that are set to be Piltover's biggest threats from Zaun are Jinx and Viktor, becasue they engaged in the same kinds of games and activities as their Piltovan counterparts.

Jinx didn't have an entire forest to preserved to help her practice her sharpshooting like the high houses of Piltover, but she did excel in the few games at The Rift (the arcade) that built on her talents. She's the only Zaunite thus far who's long distance offensive is a strong counter to Piltover's forces.

Viktor couldn't travel the world like Jayce did, but for better or worse he managed to stumble into an opportunity to get real opportunity in research not offered to his peers through Singed. It was through that experience that Viktor knew to turn to Singed when he was at the end of his rope, and the consequences of that will be fully realized in season 2.

Ironically, the kind of skill the boxing game champions is only good for keeping other Zaunites in line. Vander's days of fighting Piltover were way behind him when we first met him, and Vi spends season 1 primarily fighting other Zaunites. It's no surprise the Zaunites who embody the old ideal of strength in Zaun that the game portrays, Vi and Vander, are largely at the mercy of Piltover and end up collaborating with them to avoid further harm.

Zaun's future as an independent city-state couldn't happen if they stuck to their old ideals. The people who stand a chance against Piltover are the ones that not only succeed but excel at playing Piltover's games against them.

[libralita]

Way of Kings Reread

This is my post Rhythm of War reread so if you don’t want spoilers for Rhythm of War then come back later. These are essentially just the notes I took during this read through so things like “Szeth is darkeyed” isn’t really stellar commentary but there are a few interesting things in here. Also this reread was like…very sporadic so I probably missed things.

“A man with a long grey and black beard slumped in the doorway, smiling foolishly—though whether from wine or a weak mind, Szeth could not tell.

‘Have you seen me?’ the man asked with slurred speech. He laughed then began to speak in gibberish, reaching for a wineskin.”—Page 23

 Oh god, it’s Jezrien. Nooooo.

I’m curious to see how Humans being voidbringers plays into Szeth’s punishment.

“Occasionally, light would flash without the thunder. The slaves would groan in terror at this, thinking about the Stormfather, the shades of the Lost Radiants, or the Voidbringers—all of which were said to haunt the most violent highstorms.”

Interesting that they’re called the “shades”, perhaps referring to cognitive shadows?

“Talenelat’Elin, bearer of all agonies.”

Wait…do people know about Taln?

“This room is called the Veil…That which comes before the Palanaeum itself. Both were here when the city was founded. Some think these chambers might have been cut by the Dawnsingers themselves.”

First of all, Veil, haha. Second, interesting bit of lore.

“Thaylens had their own systems of rank.”

I’d like to know what it is.

It’s very interesting that philosophy and history are feminine arts and yet the merchant is still trying to sell Shallan on a romance novel

I wonder if Yalb still has his drawing. It was probably ruined so that sucks.

“There, she used all her remaining sphere to fill of all nine colors and all three sizes.”

Hmmmmmmmm. Nine and three. Interesting

“Then he’d have someone to talk to in Damnation. They could reminisce about how terrible Bridge Four had been, and agree that eternal fires were much more pleasant.”

K…Kaladin please don’t joke about that.

“His ways were odd—though Lirin made certain that his son didn’t mix up the Heralds and the Lost Radiants, Kal had heard his father say that he thought the Voidbringers weren’t real. Ridiculous.”

RIP

“He reached the base of the slop, wind-driven rain pelting his face as if trying to shove him back toward the camp.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

“She looked exhausted. ‘These things are heavy!’ She lifted the leaf. ‘I brought it for you!’”

I love her so much I could cry.

Szeth is a dark eyed.

We need to get the void sphere back.

“It was fairly ordinary, a simple piece of rock with a few quartz crystals set into it and a rusty vein of iron on one side.”

Iron.

“‘Today,’ King Elhokar announced, riding beneath the bright open sky, ‘is an excellent day to slay a god. Wouldn’t you say’”

Owwwwwwwwww my heart

“One might say that gods, as a rule, should fear the Althei nobility. Most of us at least.”

Y’know…Sadeas has a point

Actually they should probably fear Taravangian.

Sadeas wears red plate. I always imagine him in green.

Shardplate is naturally slate gray. I wonder if it’s the same color as what your limbs go if they’re cut by a shardblade. Hmmmm.

“Adolin found himself wishing, passionately, that his father would do a little more these days to live up to that reputation.”

Adolin, sweet pie, NO

I miss Elhokar so much

Also the Thrill of Contest, that’s interesting.

“I felt like a youth again, chasing after your father on some ridiculous challenge.”

Dalinar, we all know that it was Gavilar chasing you

“There was someone watching me in the darkness that night.”

My poor baby…

“‘I defy you, creature!’ Elhokar screamed. ‘I claim your life! They will see their gods crushed, just as they will see their king dead at my feet! I defy you!’”

Elhokar…

“Adolin—stalwart as always—had dismounted beside the king. He tried to stop the claws, striking at them as they fell. Unfortunately, there were four claws and only one of Adolin.”

Hmmmm, Adolin v 4 is becoming a pattern.

“Dalinar should have been there to defend him. Only two things remained of his beloved brother, two things that Dalinar could protect in a hope to earn some form of redemption: Gavilar’s kingdom and Gavilar’s son.”

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“Let me first assure you that the element is quite safe. I have found a good home for it. I protect its safety like I protect my own skin, you might say.”

It has been ten years and I still have no idea what this means.

“Kaladin punched Moash right in the gut, where he knew it would wind him. Moash gasped in shock, doubling over, and Kaladin stepped forward to grab him by the legs, slinging Moash over his shoulder.”

Ahhhhh I could read this paragraph over and over again.

“He worked himself ragged. In fact, he felt close to collapsing several times, but every time he did, he found a reserve of strength from somewhere.”

I wonder where.

“Rockbuds had opened nearby, their vines reaching out to lap up the beast’s blood.”

Gross.

Insult his son and the Blackthorn will peek through

“I had…things to be about.”

I don’t like the way Wit said that.

“You going to do Alethkar a favor and rid it of both of us?”

That is a very interesting line for Wit to say…Also concerning. Wit what are you up to?

It’s very interesting that without Sadeas and Gavilar, Dalinar has to learn how to be a politician. It’s clear that both men maneuver others while Dalinar is blunt force. Good character development, I really love it as a political scientist.

“Brother, follow the Codes tonight. There is something strange upon the winds.”

Hmmmmmmmmm, I think Gavilar was planning his death.

“We’d protect Gavilar’s son. No matter what the cost, no matter what other things came between us, we would protect Elhokar.”

…Would…Elhokar have died if Sadeas was still alive?

“The book was used by the Radiants as a kind of guidebook, a book of counsel on how to live their lives.”

That…something that I forgot. Dalinar maybe you should have some required reading in your Radiant generation.

It’s interesting that Shardplate and Rsyhadium have no problem with humans using them but shardblades do.

“Dalinar was shocked that he could remember the story word for word,”

Hmmmmmm

“Could he train himself out of freezing in battle like that?”

End me.

“You sure he’s not decayspren wearing a man’s skin?”

S…Syl…is that a problem we have to deal with?

“They break the land itself! They want it, but in their rage they will destroy it. Like the jealous man burns his rich things rather than let them be taken by his enemies! They come!”

The…humans?

“‘Hm,’ he said. ‘Yes. We’ll be getting right to that soon. It’ll be grand. Lots of prancing, sauntering, and er…’

‘Promenading?’ Yis the leatherworker offered.

‘Isn’t that a type of drink?’ Adolin asked.

‘Er, no, Brightlord. I’m fairly certain it’s another word for walking.’

‘Well, then,’ Adolin said. ‘We’ll do plenty of it too. Promenading. I always love a good promenading.’”

He and Shallan are truly made for each other.

“Highprince Aladar has begun to talk of taking a short vacation back to Althekar. I want to know if he’s serious.”

Oh?

It’s very interesting how Gavilar after death is portrayed as having grown weak and yet there’s so much reverence for him.

Three gods, huh?

It’s interesting that Dalinar can feel the thrill in these visions.

“It was a topaz entwined with a heliodor, both set into a fine metal framework, each stone as big as a man’s hand.”

Is that some kind of fabrial? Is she an edgedancer/truthwatcher? She seemed to have Stoneward shardplate. How confusing. I guess she could have borrowed Shardplate.

DABBID MY SON!

“‘Next time it could be you!’ he called. ‘What will you do if you’re the one that needs healing?’

‘I’ll die.’ Moash said, not even bothering to look back. ‘Out on the field, quickly, rather than back here over a week’s time.’”

Oh that would be so unfortunate.

REREADING THIS BOOK WITH THE TEFT SECTIONS OH OHHHHHHHHH BOY SUFFERING. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

“I was under the impression that you were going to aid the queen in protecting the king’s interests in Alethkar.”

That is interesting to think about. What would have happened in Navani had stayed in Alethkar? Did the Unmade compel Navani to go? Or would she have been under the influence of the Unmade?

“I have determined that the queen is sufficiently endowed with the requisite skills needed to hold Alethkar.”

Uhhhhhhhhhh

“‘Well, I suppose that’s all right,’ she said. ‘I kind of trust Sadeas.’”

Interesting. Also my son, my love, Elhokar...you are so dumb.

“‘You still argue he isn’t a bad king?’ Navani whispered. ‘My poor, distracted, oblivious boy.’”

HE COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT

Ishar is the herald of luck?

WAIT ROION! TURTLE MAN! My baby!

My god I sometimes forget that Dalinar has no fucking chill and no impulse control.

“The Almighty himself depended on the Alethi to train themselves in honorable battle so that when they died, they could join the Heralds’ army and win back the Tranquiline Halls.”

Is that…Honor’s influence or Odium’s? Or has Odium corrupted this idea? Because judging by Rhythm of War, Odium’s end goal was to raise an army from Roshar and then send them across the Cosmere.

“My sense of honor makes me easy to manipulate.”

Whaaaaaat? You Dalinar. Pffttttt Noooooo. Pfffftttttt.

“‘He is well, though you presence here is sorely missed. I’m certain he could use your counsel. He is relying heavily on Brightness Lalai to act as clerk.’

Perhaps that would make Jasnah return. There was little love lost between herself and Sadeas’s cousin, who was the king’s head scribe in he queen’s absence.”

First, there’s another Sadeas we must deal with besides Sadeas’s nephew that I’m sure will be around in arc 2. Second, interesting wonder where that drama stems from.

“They may be a little too stable. The world is changing outside, but the Shin seem determined to remain the same.”

Hmmmmmmmmmm

“Gavarah hadn’t reached her twentieth Weeping when she proposed the theory of the three realms.”

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. Lemme hear this theory, my dude.

“He reminds me of my uncle Dalinar. Earnest, sincere, concerned.” “We could do with more men like Taravangian,”

I…mmm….aw man…I…that’ll be a yikes for me.

“He found a half-finished bridge. It had eventually grown out of that one plank Kaladin had used.”

ASODFKJSLDFJSLDF JUST LIKE THE FOURTH BRIDGE

“Had something moved in the darkness?”

His spren?

“‘Roshone lets them know he finds them contemptible. And so they scramble to please him.

‘That makes no sense,’ Kal said.

‘It is the way of things,’ Lirin said, playing with one of the spheres on the table, rolling it beneath his fingers. ‘You’ll have to learn this, Kal. When men perceive the world as being right, we are content. But if we see a hole—a deficiency—we scramble to fill it.”

This feels like how Lirin is acting in Rhythm of War.

Y’know it really makes sense why Kabsal would be working for Thaidakar.

Is…Kabsal attempting to get Shallan to join the Ghostbloods? Rhythm of War makes me wonder how honest Kabsal was towards Shallan. Yeah, Jasnah thought Kabsal was just manipulating her but she didn’t say how she knew this.

“He smiled, then drew the bow across the edge of the metal plate, making it vibrate. The sand hopped and bounced, like tiny insects dropped onto something hot.

‘This,’ he said, ‘is called cymatics. The study of pattern that sounds make when interactive with a physical medium.’

As he drew the bow again, the plate made a sound, almost a pure note. It was actually enough to draw a single music spren, which spun for a moment in the air above him, then vanished. Kabsal finished, then gestured to the plate with a flourish.”

Well, Rhythm of War certainly made this more interesting.

“Bridgemen aren’t supposed to survive. There’s something about that. He wouldn’t be able to ask Lamaril. That man had gotten what he deserved, though. If Kaladin had the ability to choose, such would be the end of all lighteyes, the king included.

Your inner Moash is showing.

“I want you to go back into the barrack and tell the men to come out after the storm. Tell them to look up at me tied here. Tell them I’ll open my eyes and look back at them, and they’ll know that I survived.”

No wonder a religion might be forming around Kaladin.

“Teft lingered too, as if thinking to spend the storm with Kaladin. He eventually shook his head, muttering and joined the others. Kaladin thought he heard the man calling himself a coward.”—Page 517

Brandon Sanderson, leave me the fuck alone.

“‘Taking the Dawnsahrds, known to bind any creature voidish or mortal, he crawled up the steps crafted for Heralds, ten strides tall apiece, toward the grand temple above.’—From The Poem of Ista. I have found no modern explanation of what these ‘Dawnshards’ are. They seem ignored by scholars, though talk of them was obviously prevalent among those recording the early mythologies.”—Page 524

Wait…who’s he? And aw man this becomes more relevant in a few years.

“‘Then you’re not a murderer,’ Kaladin said.

‘Not for want of trying.’ Sigzil eyes grew distant. ‘I thought for certain I succeeded. It was not the wisest choice I made. My master…’

‘Is he the one you tried to kill?’

‘No.’”

We need some backstory.

Marabethia sounds similar to Twitter.

“It claimed that humming of all things, could make a Soulcasting more effective.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

“That isn’t the kind of thing the Dawnsingers did. They were healers, kindly spren by the Almighty to care for humans once were forced out of the Tranquiline Halls.”

Is…that right?

“‘We believe that the Voidbringers were real, Shallan. A scourge and plague.. A hundred times they came upon mankind. First casting us from the Tanquiline Halls, then trying to destroy us here on Roshar. They weren’t just spren that hid under rocks, then came out to steal someone’s laundry. They were creatures of terrible destructive power, forged in Damnation creature from hate.’

‘By whom?’ Shallan asked.

‘What?’

‘Who made them? I mean, the Almighty wasn’t likely to have ‘created something from hate.’ So what made them?’

‘Everything has its opposite, Shallan. The Almighty is a force of good. To balance his goodness, the cosmere needed the Voidbringers as his opposite.’”—Pages 634-635

Thaidakar’s reveal really makes Kabsal a more…suspicious character. Like how much does he actually know? How much does Thaidakar actually know? Also, I don’t know if Odium is the opposite of Honor. I guess we’d need all 16 shards names to compare.

“A city where people lived in gigantic, hollowed out stalactites hanging beneath a titanic sheltered ridge.”

EXCUSE ME WHAT

“‘I doubt many would disagree. But I mention these horrors for a purpose. You see, it has been my experience that no matter where you go, you will find some who abuse their power.’ He shrugged. ‘Eye color is not so odd a method, compared to many others I have seen. If you were to overthrow the lighteyes and place yourselves in power, Moash, I doubt that the world would be a very different place. The abuses would still happen. Simply to other people.’

Kaladin nodded slowly, but Moash shook his head. ‘No I’d change the world, Sigzil. And I mean to.’”

Hmmm, yeah that didn’t exactly work out.

“‘That makes you wiser, presumably?’

‘Damnation no,’ Teft said. ‘The only thing it proves is that I’ve more experience staying alive than you.’”

Brandon. Leave. Me. Alone.

“Cenn stopped wheezing. He convulsed once, eyes still open. ‘He watches!’ the boy hissed. ‘The black piper in the night. He holds us in his palm…playing a tune that no man can hear!’”—Page 671

Is…is that a reference to El?

“I’m sorry I drove you to suicide. Here’s some bread.”

How people on this website think Moash’s redemption arch is gonna go.

“‘…why Thaidakar would risk this?’ Amaram was saying, speaking in a soft voice. ‘But who else would it be? The Ghostbloos grow more bold.’”—Page 701

Jasnah was complaining last chapter how she hates being wrong but she was wrong about Shallan’s intentions and that Amaram is not as smart as he seems. Yeah, he’s wrong about who sent the shardbearer to kill him but if I was in the cosmere and someone tried to kill me, I would assume it was Thaidakar. On that note, holy fuck, I need to know what conversation prompted both Gavilar and Amaram to assume that someone trying to kill them had to be Thaidakar. I really hope that Gavilar’s pov is next for KOWT for his death so maybe we could get a conversation where they talk to Thaidakar through cube skype or maybe this avatar (whatever the hell that means.) God Rhythm of War makes this scene so much funnier.

“You’d have changed your mind. In a day or two, you’d have wanted the wealth and prestige—otehrs would have convinced you of it. You’d have demanded that I return them to you. It took hours to decide, but Restares is right—this is what must be done. For the good of Alethkar.”—Page 703

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—this is why we reread—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Kaladin is going to have some words with Restares.

What happened to Baxil and Av?

?????????????????????????? Why do these two Ardents know about the Physical/Cognitive/Spiritual realm?

“Eight weeks? Forty days of winter at once? That war rare.”—Page 728

Did the weather used to be more consistent on Roshar?

Oh god Rhythm of War has made the Recreance so hard to read.

“If I abandon my principles, then I become something far worse than they. A hypocrite.”—Page 741

A hypocrite is a just a man changing or something. I forget the quote.

“Have you been paying much attention to the conflict between the Tukari and the Emuli?”—Page 753

“And the Tukari are led by that god-priest of theirs, Tezim.”—Page 754

Look at the foreshadowing.

“‘Just as Hatham wishes his partner in negotiations to know of his goodwill, I wish you to know of our goodwill toward you, Brightlord.’

Dalinar frowned. He’d never had much to do with the ardents—his devotary was simple and straightforward. Dalinar got his fill of politics with the court; he had little desire to find more religion. ‘Why? What should it matter if I have goodwill toward you?’

The ardent smiled. ‘We will speak with you again.’ He bowed low and withdrew.”—Pages 756-757

OKAY AT FIRST I THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY BECAUSE THE ARDENTS GET VERY MIFFED AT DALINAR IN OATHBRINGER BUT “we” HOLY SHIT THAT’S ONE OF BUG PEOPLE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I can imagine why this bug man wants his goodwill because they’re pretty sure he’ll destroy them.

“‘This thing will not happen,’ Rock said. ‘Is impossible to get sphere out of the chasms.’

‘We could swallow them,’ Moash said.

‘You would choke. Spheres are too big, eh?’

‘I’ll better I could do it,’ Moash said. His eyes glittering, reflecting the verdant Stormlight. ‘That’s more money than I’ve ever seen. It’s worth the risk.’”—Page 766

I swear to god, one of these days Moash is going to swallow a sphere.

“You call him the Stormfather, here in Alethkar.”

So people in Alethkar think that Jezerin and the Stormfather are the same person?

“Light grows so distant. The storm never stops. I am broken, and all around me have died. I weep for the end of all things. He has won. Oh, he has beaten us.”

O…Oh man, I hope this isn’t foreshadowing for KOWT.

“We should have expected this, Dalinar thought. We started bringing two armies to a plateau, so they have done the same.”—Page 781

Interesting that Kaladin thought about this when fighting the Fused by Dalinar didn’t fighting the Listeners

“When other men failed, a field of crops got worms in them. When a surgeon failed someone died.”

Well…if your crops fail then you could very much cause a town to starve to death.

“Though there was one thing he clung to. An excuse, perhaps, like the dead emperor. It was the soul of the wretch. Apathy. The belief that nothing was his fault, the belief that he couldn’t change anything. If a man was cursed, or believe he didn’t have to care, then he didn’t need to hurt when he failed. Those failures couldn’t have been prevented. Someone or something else had ordained them.”

Those are some fucking foils right there.

“They watch me. Always. Waiting. I see their face in mirrors. Symbols, twisted, inhuman…”

Babbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbby

“I wish to sleep. I know now why you do what you do, and I hate you for it. I will not speak of the truths I see.”

The sibling?

“I’d surrendered my plans, but you’ve returned them to me. I’ll guard you with my life, Kaladin. I swear it to you, by the blood of my fathers.”—Page 881

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

LISTEN I KNOW ELHOKAR IS AN IDIOT BUT HE’S MY IDIOT

“The further you look, the more pieces that wind breaks into.”—Page 995

That’s interesting

“A champion could work well for you, but it is not certain. And…without the Dawnshards…”—Page 997

Well, we’ll see how Rysn plays into this.

[aqvarius]

Do you think Kazuomi is actually really serious with his relationship with mc? Because I don't think so and I feel bad since his mc is most likely be more invested in their relationship emotion-wise.... Same goes with Kei too, even though his hasn't overcome his trauma but I think he shouldn't be in a relationship with his mc (cant put it into words). How would you rank them in terms of "serious, emotionly and mentally stable, compatability" since imho only yuzu and his mc are a fit lol

hmmmmmm good question. i have to admit that i haven’t yet played kazu’s s2 fully (but have read his s2 pov and the epis) but the feeling i get from his and his mc’s relationship is that it’s a really fresh relationship which hasn’t yet matured. kazuomi and his mc are a good match in terms of chemistry and compatibility in that they always challenge each other. i did think they were finally getting close in obscura where he finally got to see her ‘real self’ and i was kinda hoping they would drop the whole games thing and really start to get to know each other beyond the banter. and then they kind of went and reversed that development with nudus and season 2. his s2 pov made me realise that at that time, he wasn’t actually in love with his mc, he’s just attracted to her more intensely than he has been with the other women in her life. so he ‘fell’ for her in season 1 but in my opinion it wasn’t really love. and tbh even at the end of his season 2, i think he likes her VERY much but i’m still on the fence as to whether or not it’s love. i think it’s pretty obvious from the way i talk about my favourite voltage moments/characters/couples that i love DEVELOPMENT lol and i just feel like with kazu and his mc, there is a sort of sense of arrested development? one of the big issues in his season 2 imo that i feel didn’t get resolved in his pov (i can’t say about the main route) is that he is confronted with having to change his way of life for the sake of his gf and their relationship and yet every time he chooses to just do things his own way? 

edit: rest of the answer placed under cut for season 2 spoilers + length

for kazu, i feel like their relationship will only mature when he’s willing to give up the core aspects of his “selling points” (money/power/games) for his mc and their relationship. i do understand that they’re still pretty early on in their relationship, like it’s just been a matter of months and you don’t get deep with people that easily, but i hope that we do eventually get to see him really change in the future and they can love each other sincerely for who they are underneath all the games and banter. i think that’s why i love his self-pleasure story in otkoi bc we just got to see kazu do stuff that’s so not his style just for her, and then they had a really straightforward and wholesome talk about what’s missing in their relationship without being hidden behind codes and games. 

i think they rely so much on the concept of kazuomi as thrilling that we don’t really get to see that many genuine moments with him which i’m a bit sad about, because i love his genuine side the most. even in devians, when he was pretending to be normal, he still orchestrated everything and then the story took it back to that whole concept where the selling point of the route is that kazuomi is really rich and powerful and does huge grand gestures. i don’t mind that bc kazuomi is Extra to his very core but i really miss the REAL kazuomi that we saw in his s1 being all soft for just like... seeing busy and vibrant spaces full of happy people.

insert that magneto “i prefer the real [owner of the] raven [hotel]” meme lmao.

ANYWAY i do think that his occultus second night shows him finally starting to open up a little outside of just like “you’re the only one who can match up to my wits”. i feel like kazuomi showing off with grand gestures and flaunting his wealth and power is kind of his way of coping with the loneliness and trauma of the darkest part of his life, which is why it’s so significant that he lets her into the space where he was at a low point living in that motel before meeting zack. i hope that we get to see kazu really have to sacrifice some of his current core values/priorities for the sake of his mc, and i hope the way he thinks about her changes to become deeper and more mature beyond just like “she can always stand up to my challenges” - basically going from liking and being attracted to her to really loving her. 

with kei, i have a lot of mixed feelings about how bdsm is presented. since i’m not a mental health professional, i don’t really want to make any strong comments about what’s healthy or not when dealing with childhood trauma aside from like the idea that therapy is important (although kei himself admits that he’s actively driven away all his therapists). but i agree that he hasn’t overcome his trauma and, like kazu, still hasn’t even after the events of his s2. i haven’t read any of the content after his s2 main story so i can’t speak on what happens when his mc meets his grandparents and such but just based on the way he just peaced out during his s2, it’s evident that his issues manifest through at the very least his phobia of commitment (not even going to comment on the way he acted when her necklace was broken and how she was literally afraid of his reaction and also the way he like... forced her to drink juice? i picked the option where i tried to reject the juice and the fact that he forced me to anyway and she drank it bc she was afraid of him made me really uncomfortable lol). in my opinion, his sexual relationship with his mc is also very much based on his issues with power and control (ostensibly stemming from trauma) and she kind of bends over backwards to not step on his toes when it comes to his control issues. my experience with bdsm is that communication (and aftercare lol) is so important for maintaining a healthy relationship but i just kind of feel like she’s not necessarily an active participant as a sub and doesn’t really know what being a sub entails in a healthy dynamic but rather is just like going along with what he wants bc (1) it’s thrilling maybe? (they really play up the like physical pleasure aspect) and (2) he might be kinda distant if they don’t do it like that? i guess? i don’t really know bc i don’t tend to read his stories bc i’m not like the most comfortable with how they deal with power play. 

i do think that the relationship he has with his mc isn’t exactly a balanced and healthy relationship? and i also think that kazuomi’s relationship (that we’ve seen so far) is also kinda unhealthy lol. essentially, with both kazu and kei, i feel like their relationships with their mcs kind of enable (what i perceive to be) the coping mechanism aspects of their personalities. 

WITH THAT SAID, i don’t think that people need to be at a fully stable and emotionally mature place to fall in love and start relationships and honestly voltage loves doing the thing where like the mc falls for awful people bc they’re only so mean bc they're so broken and she wants to fix them uwu shinobu narita lmao which personally i don’t like, but it does make for dramatic routes and does set up for future development. it’s still early stages yet in their relationships since i think they’ve only been together for a few months, and they’re definitely still testing the waters. i think we’re being tricked/distracted by all those dramatic climax moments into thinking that their relationship is really serious but tbh they are just barely beginning to actually open up to each other. i just hope that they allow the love interests (and their respective mcs) to mature and develop into healthy people without just throwing out life threatening routes where the relationship dynamic doesn’t necessarily change but it just becomes about newer and grander ways of making big and powerful gestures to save the situation lol. does that make sense? i don’t know if i’m articulating myself well. 

but anyway i agree, from season 1 i always though yuzu’s mc was the best out of all of them. and they are the only ones who have a remotely healthy relationship like why is the yuzu the only one who’s actually considerate? sometimes he can be such an obtuse block of wood but that’s just who he is as a person. and when it comes to the important stuff, he’s actually the most willing to change and compromise for his mc. like... the Difference between kazuomi and his mc’s contract scene vs yuzu and his mc’s contract scene is kind of astronomical. even in yuzu’s devians which is like 3 chapters long only, you can see his growth from being an insensitive blockhead to really trying to understand what she needs from their relationship. and just looking at the way that he treats her emotions re: their relationship has evolved from treating it like a beta test where they give each other feedback reports to him embracing her ‘bugs’? that’s growth babey. time for kazuomi and kei to learn some lessons from the only valid masquerader. 

[dcwdrops]

🤝 jalex, jasha, and obviously LART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, oh and lasha

this is going under a read more because i am answering four in one ask !!!!

LASHA:

texts the other memes at 3 am: lizzie because she is annoying <3 

tries to convince the other to do an idea that definitely sounds questionable: lizzie again, her favorite activity is questionable things!! not in like a morally questionable way, but weird questionable 

is the designated driver and who always gets wasted: does getting wasted go well with sasha’s image? i doubt it. but i also think lizzie is more of a puff puff than a glug glug kind of girl, but if they WERE it would be lizzie

always has to host the impromptu sleepover: i can’t imagine sasha wanting to stay on the farm. they gotta plan their sleepovers. 

who’s netflix account gets mooched off of: sasha is rich if she doesn’t do it that’s really mean actualy

brings all the snacks and who supplies the movie: sasha provides the movie, and lizzie bakes a new pastry or dessert for sasha every time they hang out since they made croissants that first time 

is usually the first one to say sorry after a fight: lizzie, but she’s a bit of a people pleaser sometimes, so i don’t think she’d fight in the first place 

is the ‘ mom friend ’: hmmm lizzie, i feel like if she knew sasha a little better she would worry about her but now she is still stunned by cool 

calls the other at 12 am to wish the other a happy birthday without fail: lizzie, she LOVES other people’s birthdays and wants to lavish them with gifts and attention

is the better wingman to the other: sasha is infinitely more chill, so probably her

‘ the strong must protect the sweet ‘ , who’s the ‘ strong ‘ and who’s the ‘ sweet ‘:  HMMMMMM .... surface level, sasha protects lizzie, but ! when/if lizzie gets to know sasha better, she will protect

pulls the other up for karaoke to sing a duet together: lizzie would make sasha duet her own songs in karaoke because she would find it funny 

LART: 

texts the other memes at 3 am: they send them back and forth, obviously. they probably make memes of pictures they have taken around the farm, so it is full of unintelligible inside jokes 

tries to convince the other to do an idea that definitely sounds questionable: well, art TRIES, and lizzie is like hmm... well idk if that would work! and art is like wow ur so smart, so it never pans out 

is the designated driver and who always gets wasted: does art drink? if he does, she will DD 

always has to host the impromptu sleepover: no one they live on the same property so they can walk like. just to a different spot. they are both there. but HMMM if it is like sdv game and there are the little houses for the other farmers then art has to because the main farm house is different, but if they are in the same farmhouse but different rooms every night is a sleepover, technically. 

who’s netflix account gets mooched off of: kiran obviously 

brings all the snacks and who supplies the movie: again, lizzie likes to bake so she can do the snacks!!! art then has to do the movie because equal distribution, but if he doesn’t want to she has a million recs

is usually the first one to say sorry after a fight: what would they fight about? chickens? if they somehow DID, i feel like they would both be apologetic  

is the ‘ mom friend ’: lizzie one hundred percent, she is going to start carrying around bandaids 

calls the other at 12 am to wish the other a happy birthday without fail: LIZZIE, her birthday obsession rises again. call me out if this is ooc but i can see art forgetting and then remembering after he sees her and scrambling to make it seem like he remembered. just don’t call me out in the gc bc i will be insecure 

is the better wingman to the other: lizzie is the better wingman

‘ the strong must protect the sweet ‘ , who’s the ‘ strong ‘ and who’s the ‘ sweet ‘: they are both the sweet!!!!!!!! someone else needs to swoop in and protect them

pulls the other up for karaoke to sing a duet together: hmmmmm they would agree to do it together, they would plan it

JASHA: 

texts the other memes at 3 am: they would not <3 even if they were friends which is how i am answering

tries to convince the other to do an idea that definitely sounds questionable: i feel like sasha is cautious bc of her reputation, so it would have to be jill? maybe?

is the designated driver and who always gets wasted: obviously jillian is the one getting wasted, but sasha does not seem like DD. does she have a driver bc she is famous? that driver does it. 

always has to host the impromptu sleepover: sasha probably thinks the mercers have bedbugs, so it would have to be her. jillian does not have the common sense lizzie does to leave when she is unwelcome. 

who’s netflix account gets mooched off of: again, sasha rich

brings all the snacks and who supplies the movie: jill brings snacks, they fight over the movie

is usually the first one to say sorry after a fight: no <3 IN THE MIRACLE universe of their friendship, they never apologise and just pretend it didnt happen

is the ‘ mom friend ’: jillian, only bc she is protective

calls the other at 12 am to wish the other a happy birthday without fail: jillian would, but only if she was drunk. otherwise she would wait until she saw sasha. 

is the better wingman to the other: sasha, 100% though rn she would just try and sabotage 

‘ the strong must protect the sweet ‘ , who’s the ‘ strong ‘ and who’s the ‘ sweet ‘: both of them need protection and neither of them are sweet! i would say they protect one another 

pulls the other up for karaoke to sing a duet together: jillian, and she tells sasha to stop being a brat about it because she is literally a singer

JALEX:

texts the other memes at 3 am: they also would not <3

tries to convince the other to do an idea that definitely sounds questionable: hmmm i feel like they are not the questionable activities type. they sit and eat toast. 

is the designated driver and who always gets wasted: again obviously jillian is the one getting wasted, but i can actually see alex being DD 

always has to host the impromptu sleepover: omg tbt when he lived with her <3 tbh if it was a late night or something jill would offer one of her brothers rooms to alex. jillian can’t have a sleepover on ash <3 

who’s netflix account gets mooched off of: hmmmm alex only because she gets annoyed that her family would watch stuff and she would end up in a different place because there ar enot enough profiles for all the mercers. she would literally offer to pay tho so if he rejects that on him

brings all the snacks and who supplies the movie: jill brings snacks from the store, discount. alex can pick the movie bc i bet she has bad taste (sorry to malia who i made watch jill’s movies in the other one of these)

is usually the first one to say sorry after a fight: alex, unless it’s something super serious, like, for an example that would not ever happen, burning down a house, then it is jillian. 

is the ‘ mom friend ’: alex? 

calls the other at 12 am to wish the other a happy birthday without fail: alex is probably asleep at like 10pm, so neither

is the better wingman to the other: hmmm alex is nice so he would probably be like “yeah jill is great” where jillian would more likely go a little overboard on the hype on one or two things bc she doesn’t know him that well 

‘ the strong must protect the sweet ‘ , who’s the ‘ strong ‘ and who’s the ‘ sweet ‘: alex would probably have to protect jillian on very emotional manners, but on a surface level, she would protect him

pulls the other up for karaoke to sing a duet together: neither <3 they ar ein the back, watching everyone else and eating toast 

[salty-dracon]

ace hang plays calling cipher part 2

(Last Time on Calling Cipher... )

Lily, screaming, and banging her hands on the table: LET RILEY SAY FUCK

(jump cut)

Lily, screaming: LET RILEY SAY FUCK OUT LOUD! NOT IN HER HEAD! WE ALL SAY FUCK INTERNALLY! AAAAA

Brid: Lily, I am begging you to calm down. This is a video game! 

Lily: *literally falls off her chair* 

Brid: Lily? Lily, are you okay? Lily?

------------

Brid: Hey guys, Ace Hang is back again with more Calling Cipher! I’m Bridget!

Lily: And I’m Lily!

Brid: When we last left off, we finished the prologue, met our protagonist, thirsted over her... 

Lily: Mostly that. 

Brid: She was so cute, though... 

Lily: We also met a few characters, thank god we’re not the only girl here, learned there was some kind of conspiracy going on, and now we’re playing detective because we’re dumb and foolish, and we’ve recruited our friends to help us. Because we are all dumb and foolish. 

Brid: So what exactly did we learn? 

Lily: Maybe they should have watched the first video in the series. 

Brid: ... Yeah. Anyway, we stole a file from a school computer and some short kid thinks we’re our long-distance boyfriend. 

Lily: Plus we ran into our ex, and also got teased over us accidentally thirsting over our calc professor. 

Brid: By everyone and their mom. And our mom too. Like damn, she’s thirsty.

Lily: Not fun. 

Brid: I think the fact that we’re making a second part makes us qualify as masochists. 

--------

Lily: Oh, hey. Chase. What’s up?

Brid: Rich people things. The economy. Republicans. Nyu hu hu hu hu. 

Lily: Never say that again. Anyway, we’re really diving right into the investigation, aren’t we? 

Brid: Yeah. Wrong route, girl. 

Lily: Nah. 

--------

Lily: She’s out here wondering if he has a swimmer bod.

Brid: I don’t actually know any swimmers, so... no wait, actually, Narin’s older brother does swim a lot, so...

Lily: But you’ve never seen him shirtless.

Brid: Yeah, no.

(five second asexual silence while music plays in the background)

Lily: Are all straight people like this?

Brid: Aw, he just winked. 

Lily: AW????

(some lines of text later, the protagonist just straight up says that the professor has a spider on his head, without making any side comments on how stupid that move was)

Brid: W O W. that was... a move. Not a power move. A move.

Lily: She doesn’t even regret that one. Holy shit.

Brid: If I said something that stupid I think I’d die of embarrassment. “Hey, Mr. Balls. There’s a spider on your head, that’s why I was staring at your piercing.”

Lily: I love how he fell for it, too! 

Brid: Fucking hell. He might actually have a personality that isn’t just “horny”. 

Lily: Oh my god, isn’t it funny that he joked about the spider and his name is Mr. Parker?

Brid: There is no way they’re going to pull a spiderman joke.

(the option to pull a spiderman joke)

Lily: OH MY GOD

Brid: THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN

Lily: AN ICON! A LEGEND!

Brid: LET ME MARRY HER

--------

Brid: So Riley wants to take over her parents’ network security company, while Chase wants to take over the pharm business, and... 

Lily: Guess so. And? 

Brid: Well, my parents do financial consulting, and they want me to take over. And you know how Nick’s parents are, like, huge stockholders in Kronus Technologies? 

Lily: ... Nick... who? 

Brid: Nick Kronus. I don’t think you’ve met him, but he stays at Mr. Perch’s place sometimes. He and Val... don’t exactly get along. 

Lily: Oh. So... rich prodigal son. 

Brid: Yeah. So.... actually, it’s kind of cool that both Riley and Chase want to take over their respective businesses. I mean, I don’t, and like... I’m hoping Mr. Perch will let me take on an internship or something. 

Lily: Dude, you know he’d do anything for you. He likes you more than he likes his own kid. 

Brid: I feel bad, honestly. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: “What are you up to, Chase Colton? What’s your deal?” Oh, man. He’s trying to look for information on Reynolds, isn’t he? 

Lily: Yeah... We did tell him, yeah? 

Brid: Of course. He was with us when we were looking over the computers. 

Lily: Wait, but familiar word-

(Matt walks in) 

Lily: GOD DAMN IT

Brid: I KNOW THIS IS YOUR ROUTE BUT FUCK YOU

Lily: WE ARE BUSY

Brid: YES YOU ARE INTERRUPTING SOMETHING

Lily: Oh, he knows who Chase is, too. 

Brid: Oh no. Also, I love how Chase is taller. That’s so funny. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: Oh yeah, I forgot that this was a community college. Yeah, why is Chase attending a community college? 

Lily: I love how Matt is just chipping into him. 

Brid: Man, Riley doesn’t even give a fuck. 

--------

Lily: Oh. “There are rumors of an undercover cop working the case”. That’s interesting. 

Brid: Wait. Wait. Could that be referring to Kai? 

Lily: ... Huh? 

Brid: Remember he was chatting with that guy that called him “shorty”? 

Lily: Oh, yeah. 

Brid: But first, lemme go grocery shopping! 

(The let me take a selfie song plays in the background with a bunch of grocery store vines displayed on screen for like 30 seconds) 

--------

Lily: Love this elevator music. 

Brid: (laughs out loud) She hit someone with a shopping cart! 

Lily: Fucking disaster bi! Lily: OH MY GOD IT’S THE FUCKIN. THE FUCKIN CALC GUY

Brid: SORRY WE FUCKING RAN YOU OVER WITH A SHOPPING CART DUDE

Lily: JE NE REGRETTE NEIN

Brid: I REGRETTE IT

Lily: “so anyway you just killed my foot”

Brid: “no i didn’t”

Lily: “fuck you i’ll sue”

Brid: “you’re poor”

Lily: “and now you’re roasting me”

Brid: “shut up and i’ll buy you coffee”

Lily: “and now you want to poison me”

Brid: “ha joke’s on you i’m a mess”

Lily: This fucking banter, dude. 

--------

Brid: She’s a PALADIN who rides a GIANT FLYING MANTA???

Lily: I LOVE her. 

Brid: I’d die for her. 

Lily: Damn, he sure knows a lot about network security. HMMMMMM

Brid: Oh would you calm down?

(more witty banter until he calls her cute)

Brid: “HE JUST CALLED ME CUTE!” Fool, I’m in love with her too! 

Lily: You’re out there, and she’s- OH SHIT! SHE JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A DODGEBALL!

Brid: Ouch!

Lily: Okay, but like, seriously? I’ve gotten hit in the face with dozens of balls and yeah. Ouch. 

(romantic scene) 

Brid: She is so cute. 

Lily: Wait. He has a ponytail? 

Brid: So? Sam has one. Anyway, she’s precious. 

Lily: SHE THOUGHT FUCK AGAIN-

-------

Brid: Great. We call our mom and get even more roasted. 

Lily: I. Hate this. But at the same time, I wish my mom were, like, cool. 

Brid: Okay, but like, yeah. I’d take being roasted over the bullshit I have to deal with every day. 

Lily: Anyway, I now know where she got that sass of hers. 

Brid: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??”

Lily: “I’m a romantic, honey! Also, like... make sure you get me some of that”

Brid: Oh, she’s asking about that program that deletes the original from the original IP. 

Lily: Right. I love how the mom’s just like- “no. don’t do this again, honey. you promised”

Brid: This fucking MC... she is so valid. 

-------

Lily: Oh hey. It’s Kai. 

Brid: Time to pull out my Val impression. 

Lily: Can’t wait! 

Brid: “How the hell should I know? Did you give all of the computers nicknames?” Pff. I love doing my Val impression for this guy. It’s so on point. 

Lily: What did Val say about your Val impression, anyway? 

Brid: He said that my voice was too high pitched to sound anything like his voice, but Arthur said the inflection was spot-on!

Lily: I definitely see that, yeah. 

Brid: I mean, he’s so Val, though... 

Lily: Don’t start assigning kins, now. 

Brid: I’m not looking to get murdered by one of my co-stars. Oh, hey, Chase is here. 

Lily: And looks like we’re actually going to learn something. 

-------

Brid: Dyphine! 

Lily: A drug they’re working on. Stolen two years ago... 

Brid: And Jennifer Reynolds stole it and deleted every other copy. 

Lily: Damn. 

Brid: And you could net a lot of cash for it. 

Lily: ... Wow. And he needs our help to track her down. 

Brid: Do you trust him? 

Lily: Do I trust anyone? 

Brid: Yeah, good point. I mean, it’s Big Pharma, but at the same time, he’s been earnest with us. 

Lily: Oh, but wait! We have the formula! 

Brid: Yes! Let’s solve this case. 

Lily: I swear to god, if we head back home and it’s deleted. Because that’s totally going to happen. 

-------

Lily: OH NO. We’ve been hacked. 

(text on screen pointing to brid with her eyes wide at the art)

Brid: Well, shit. Cinematic hacking time! 

Lily: And this music is epic! It’s like final boss shit! 

Brid: Go girl! Go counter hack them!

Lily: YEAH BABEY

Brid: “If I’m going down, you’re coming with me, motherfucker! Yeah baby!”

Lily: I can’t believe she’s spamming the connection with pussy pics. 

Brid: ... did you have to phrase it like that

Lily: Hey, they’re saying something. I’ll voice it. “Bitmap? Really?”

Brid:��“SORRY NOT SORRY”

Lily: “You have something of mine...” Oh no, it’s Jennifer!

Brid: Oh my god. 

Lily: Wait, no...? “I’m the guy who’s about to break your last shield”...? 

Brid: What? 

Lily: Wow, this is intense. “Nice job with the flooding btw.” Damn. “Would have worked if I weren’t on Egon.” Where was that mentioned before?

Brid: Huh. 

Lily: “Cute pic, though. Later, kitten.”

Brid: ... Is it... the teacher? 

Lily: Let’s see... yarn... crap, I can’t see past the dialogue box. 

Brid: Mah girl’s fired up! What’s next, baby! 

Lily: ... 

Brid: ... 

Lily: THERE’S AN UNRELEASED PART 2??

----------

(post video)

Brid: So what are your theories regarding Calc Daddy?

Lily: ... did you have to call him that

Brid: *snort*

Lily: Okay, like in all seriousness... hold on, give me like, fifteen minutes to collect my thoughts, because I have a lot of theories and they need some time in the Brain Oven. 

(one jump cut later, Lily is holding up a sheet of paper, which Brid is trying to look at, but Lily isn’t letting her)

Lily: Okay, so my conclusion from what I saw so far is that there is a 90% chance that he is, at the very least, connected to Juh-Reynolds and he’s either Jennifer herself, or working with her. My reasons are thus. First, you saw in the prologue that he called Ry-Ry “his little thief” indicating that she stole something from him. And he traced it using an IP address. So unless ya boi Cipher somehow VPN’d and made us a puppet, that file was somehow “his”. But wouldn’t it belong to Jreynolds, since Dyphine was HER research?

Brid: A-jreynold-in.

Lily: Fuck you. Second, and this one’s more of a symbolism thing, you might recall that password for the file was “icarus”. You know who he is, right?

Brid: Yeah, the guy who sculpted wax wings, flew into the sky, and then they melted and he fell.

Lily: You know how his sprite has a necklace shaped like a wing when he’s not wearing clothes?

Brid: When he’s not wearing clothes?

Lily: When he’s not wearing his suit and tie. Oh my god, we’re not at third base yet!

Brid: *laughs* Okay, but like, actually... that is interesting, I never made that connection.

Lily: Third, you saw how hard he grilled Chase over the whole “why the fuck are you attending a community college” thing. We didn’t notice because he was literally doing exactly what we wanted to do, and giving us the answers without us even needing to ask.

Brid: Yeah, and Riley was like, “yeah, keep saying shit”. I don’t know if he thought we shared the same goal or something... or if it was just a coincidence. Or, no! He probably wanted to know what we needed to know for J. K. Reynolds.

Lily: And number 4 does fit in with all of these, plus it also gives a clue to his motive. He said some things that would sound normal, except, they might not... I forget the exact context, but something about buying something expensive came up, and Riley said something like “aren’t you a community college professor, why are you doing something expensive, you don’t get paid for shit” and I think it was about moving into the neighborhood, though I could be wrong. And like, even though Riley is attending a community college, her parents are like network security people, she’s rich. And he’s... not?

Brid: Okay?

Lily: Recall that Chase said that you could make a shit ton of money from selling that formula. If he’s not J-Money herself, I think he’s working with her for a cut of the profits. More than enough to buy a house.

Brid: Right, and whatever answer he was about to give, we never got to hear it because mah girl got hit in the face with a soccer ball. 

Lily: Also, this one might be weird, but remember when we were hacked and we were sent a kitten picture?

Brid: Yeah?

Lily: Wasn’t the kitten sitting on a really pink blanket?

Brid: Yeah, it was, I think. Why are you asking?

Lily: It was shown off, so I think it’s relatively significant. This might be a long shot, and it does have a few conditions, but recall that he said at some point that he was staying with a friend. And I think he does chat with Riley at some point about high level computer stuff. Assuming he was the hacker or knew the hacker, I think from that, and the fact that the blanket was pink, that we can infer that his friend is a woman. And who’s the only adult woman in this series? ... besides our dirty minded mom?

Brid: It’s Jennolds!

Lily: That was... actually really clever. And we know that she can’t exactly show her face with Chase around. So she might be sending someone to do her dirty work for her. *eyes light up* ... wait, who’s the professor he replaced? Because he said that he’d be subbing for someone, some female professor, and then he cancelled all of our tests-

Brid: ...

Lily: ...

(they both dive for the keyboard)

(Text pops up on black: It was “Professor Mendez”, not “Reynolds”. Well, shit.)

(More text: The wing necklace part was correct. The grilling Chase part was also correct. However, though the pieces about him not getting paid much as a community college professor was mentioned, there was nothing about how much it cost to move into the neighborhood. We might have been thinking of the cosplayer character. But we forgot the fact that he happened to know network security programs pretty well when we were talking about the manta ray mount.)

(More text: Also, we were wrong about the pink blanket. It was more of a grey-ish-purple, but there was also a ball of yarn and a folded blue striped something on the blanket. Wonder what it could be?... seriously Lily thought it was his tie, but the text box is a bitch)

(More text: Anyway our conclusions are the same. Unless these were a bunch of red herrings.)

[thedaveandkimmershow]

While we were in San Diego, we got word through someone with a family member in the military that that family member had been briefed on a plan to quarantine the country in the next 48 to 72 hours. And by quarantine... they meant, basically, confined to quarters. As in can’t. go. anywhere.

So.

We received information through someone we trust from someone they trust. Not an official source...

An inside source.

We were getting information not available to just anyone.

How amazing is that?

But.

I’ve gotten kind of grouchy believing predictions about events even a day away.

I think my thinking is that in such an information rich environment, such a seriously packed information environment, it’s way too easy to connect the dots of verifiable information to conclusions that are not. A lot of the time, those conclusions are drawn from an insufficiency of dots... it’s just the dots that are available really do seem like enough.

At the same time we got the information, variations on this text message were making their way around the country:

48 to 72 hours?

Connection to the miliary?

Mandatory quarantine?

Hmmmmmm.

So I turned to my friend Google and quickly came up with articles in Vox, Newsweek, and the Washington Examiner, all characterizing the message as fake.

Then I went back to the person who’d told me about the national quarantine in the first place... and they insisted that while the text might be fake, their source was entirely beyond question. A national lockdown, they were certain, would absolutely take place in the next, at this point, 48 hours.

Now before I go on, three things:

1) This information could have been entirely correct.

2) If the information was correct, we’d absolutely require a definition for the word quarantine, and

3) The truth of that information could mean entirely different things for me as for other people. I might feel like I need do nothing outside of what I’m already doing. Someone else might feel the need for immediate action. Both, legitimate outcomes.

With me, so far?

Because I actually didn’t believe what I was told by someone I trust who was told by someone they trust. The wording, you see, of the text message was a bit too coincidentally on the nose with the words that had been spoken to me.

So... No to the national lockdown in 48 to 72 hours being a true story.

Was I sure about that?

I could’ve still been wrong. However, the weight of the information I discovered was evidence enough for me.

At some point, you just have to make the call, right? And that call’s definitely influenced by anxiety.

As much as I can then, I try to hold on to what I know is true... rather than with what I feel must be true. Or, as a friend of mine put it, “I’m no longer anticipatig what will be, only responding to what is.”

And yes, I know, easier said than done.

Anyway...

48 more hours came and went without the predicted national lockdown. It was an outcome accompanied by a thorough bit of rationalizing by the person who gave me, with complete certainty, the details of what absolutely would happen in the next 48 to 72 hours.

So there it is, the first wrong prediction of this season of ours. Certainly, it won’t be the last.

Hopefully, we’ll be able to think our way through this challenge...

And not jump the gun reacting to it.

[itsallinmeee-blog]

The Perfect Family

A husband sits with his arm around his wife. He is handsome, works out, very daddy-ish. The wife has such a perfect waist and body and her face looks is so young and vibrant you didn’t assume the three kids running around were hers. The oldest is ten and the other two are spaced out evenly enough in age under him. And if the oldest is 10, that means the wife is 40 plus, because she waited until the perect age (after 30) to start having kids. Her skin is so vibrant, well moisturized and wrinkle free because that’s not some baby daddy with his arm around her, it’s her husband. The one father of every kid she ever conceived in her womb, and he doesn’t stress her out at all. He’s never going to ‘leave her with all those kids by herself’, so they don’t have anything  at all to argue about. And he’s an ideal father figure and partner in every aspect. You know that because he knew to make her a wife and not just another baby’s mama. Duh. Her degree(s)  are on the wall and she had her six figure income-making career before she sat down and had some damn children.  A real Proverb’s 31 Woman.

I grew up something like that, actually. My mother had graduated college and married my father and even waited years before she had her first child. My father had also graduated college and found himself working a good ol’ government job so hard that my mother was afforded the opportunity to stay home and raise some babies, all with the same daddy. Some babies she had at 28 and 30 years old. Set up for perfection, right? Now we weren’t rich and this story ended up taking a million turns before I turned 18; jobs lost, new careers started, jobs lost, moves out of state, business started, businesses failed. Hell, LIFE happened to my parents as I watched closely.

I watched my mother as a stay-at-home mom at first, teaching me Spanish and how to count and spell. Really pouring all she could into me. When my paternal grandmother got sick, she took care of her as well. Me, my brother and my nana. And when my daddy lost his government job she got up and found two of her own, and kept every light on and faucet running by her damn self. You literally could not ask for or find a better woman. But we all know, that won’t stop a nigga from trying. I saw my mother go through things inside and greet the world with a smile, pleasant attitude and godly aura, regardless. I watched her forgive, forgive, forgive. Give, give, give. Love, love, love and when I turned 18, I watched her lose it all and start from ground 0.

She built herself up again, kept it together and moved on, as real women do. She didn’t clown him on Facebook or go slut it out to catch up on all she had missed out on, spending 23 years being faithful to some man. She found God, rebuilt her foundation, and moved on. Now maybe there’s some big fabulous and amazing blessing waiting for her on the other side. Maybe the blessing was not allowing herself to be held back and dragged down by that ‘some man’ any longer. Maybe the blessings are the two could-be-better kids that came out of the marriage… Or maybe the lesson was for me.

“Don’t waste your life and all your good years trying to be a good woman to some fucking man.”

Got it.

Many of my friends didn’t grow up with a two parent household. For instance, I was talking to my first cousin once we had grown up and become friends. She was an only child with the mom that wanted to dress alike all the time. Ummm, where do I sign up? Where she saw a father figure in the home and a friend to play with, I saw a live in year-round Scrooge and a personal boy face-ass nuisance after I specifically asked for a sister. The grass really always looks greener. My children-of-divorce friends always bragged about getting “two Christmases” etc. because they split holidays between their parents (omg, so cool). Having two rooms filled with toys. A ‘mama’s house’ and ‘daddy’s house’ and I’m just listening, picturing the two biggest toy filled rooms I could imagine. Best of all, for them,  I know they probably didn’t see some of the things I saw a man do. Eventually I saw the difference between the kids that longed for two parent homes and (some of) those of us in them that knew better.

Around the age of 19 something happened to my ego. I went from longing for things I didn’t think I deserved to understanding that nothing and no one deserved me,  the way my father or no man I had known deserved my beautiful, brilliant, talented, educated, dedicated, loyal, hard-working mother. I realized that I was the prize, the gift, the table and the house the table was in. I was IT and women probably never raised the type of men that deserved a goddess like me ever before. And if they did, they damn sure hadn’t in the last 20 or so years. So I wasn’t looking for a damn husband. A man was not about to feel like he owned me, ever. And damn sure not so he could throw me away when he was done... I was nobody’s property and I was going to do any and all of the leaving, when I saw fit. I lost my will to fight for love and I wasn’t on the search for a life partner and that was just it. I told myself that even if I got married, I would always be prepared to leave or be left at the drop of a dime. Because I went off to college one semester and came home to divorced parents. I went off the next semester and came home to my father telling me this was not my home anymore, while standing in front of some crow faced bitch. Okay? So the lesson there was things can change at the drops of dimes and you’ve got to be ready to change with them. I found my lane and this was it. They call us free spirits.

Hoes. Free spirit became synonymous with hoe and if your spirit is truly free that’s some laughable shit. Free spirit to me means, I wore mascara and bold eyeliner today with a sleek bun and business attire. Maybe I had a meeting, maybe I was just feeling like Joan Clayton from Girlfriends. Tomorrow I may feel like Solange or Kelis. This month I might feel like Solange and opt for a natual brow. And natural legs and armpits, too (I don’t know if she shaves or not). I might have my home girl sew some hair in and it might be fire red. I might cut all of it off and go blonde (just the ends, though). Really, whatever. I am a free. I invest in the people I spend time with. I am a listening ear, soundboard, friend, confidante, companion. Mother. My loyalty is to myself so it does not blind my decision making. Once you are causing me more harm than all this good I am giving to you, I will be gone like the wind. I live gone like the wind. Never really in one place in the first place. Always on the way somewhere else. I didn’t even put titles on our time here, so there were no questions to be asked or arguments to be had once I decide to go. I owed no one anything and wasn’t passing around my collection plate, either. I was FREE.

In a partner I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything, but I knew how it should feel. That’s how I got the most out of situations; allowing things to be what and who they are and growing into what or who it will be. I certainly wasn’t looking for a husband but I managed to have never dated, entertained or courted a man I did not know would be a great father. Compassion, empathy, dedication. Always the sons of divorced parents. I was blessed enough to connect more than once with someone that understood one of the most valuable and rewarding experiences in adulting was in being a good parent; responsible in my decision making, loving, caring, respectful of our child’s parent.

In a partner I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything, but I knew how it should feel. That’s how I got the most out of situations; allowing things to be what and who they are and growing into what or who it will be. I certainly wasn’t looking for a husband but I managed to have never dated, entertained or courted a man I did not know would be a great father. Compassion, empathy, dedication. All sons of divorced parents. I was blessed enough to connect more than once with someone that understood one of the most valuable and rewarding experiences in adulting was in being a good parent; responsible in my decision making, loving, caring, respectful of their child’s mothers. I could pick a good future father out better than Safaree can spot plastic surgery. Trust me, I knew.

But I noticed, even before I was a baby mother, that people get shamed out of wanting what they really want in a family. People shame pregnant women the whole nine months if they’re doing it alone, and shame their baby daddy’s with them if they’re not their husband. I can remember being in church at a service where a young woman was having her baby christened. The minister asked her to introduce everyone to the congregation. She got on the mic “my aunt, my mom... and her father” Safe. “Your what?” asked the minister. Hmmmmmm what you doin, lady? She said: HER. FATHER. “My daughter’s father?” She said “Your what?” again. “He’s not your husband, is he?” And I think it was in that moment that I decided I just did not want the marriage thing. A man unmarried was selfish and living, but the woman was unwanted and unclean. Unreal.��My rebellion and the clouds of opinions I allowed to shape my own desires is the only reason I feel like I don’t have the perfect Proud Baby Mama story, but at the very least I have a daughter that gets all the love I wanted. 

Mission accomplished.

[nathanielpoint]

A Dot Filled Life. By. Nathaniel Point

"Every story in a man's life is like a dot in an impressionist painting" - Ted Mosby("How I met your Mother").       

 It's interesting to think our lives as insignificant dots,  because dots don’t have any discerning features. Small, alone and essentially not relatable, they simply could disappear in the background of other dots. Although a dot simply could disappear, it's only a dot to something that's much grander than itself. To the universe I am a dot,  but to the atom I am the universe. Neither could exist without the other. The universe would not be defined without I to fill it, and the atom would have nowhere to exist without I there to fill.  Like the atom to I, and myself to the universe, each moment is like a dot. A dot full of one moment, insignificant by itself and only a dot compared to life, but still full of its own unique and amazing properties that are defined as its own whole. A whole filled to the brim with bountiful rich colors, and lined with a shining bright gold border. A border not used to accentuate the innate beauty of the "Dot", rather used as an instrument to show how dull the border is compared to the whole. Full of light and dark, this mixture of colors is best described as the night ending and the day beginning. Where the light and warmth of the sun, mix with the cold, hallow darkness of the sky. Draping itself over the mountains, but not casting into the valley.  Like foreshadowing of what's to come, this mosaic of a dark somber blue, filled the upstairs suite of Ms.Frizz's home. Where a young native man, with dark brown eyes, hair to match and light mocha skin. This young man's name was Jeremy. Jeremy laid against a young lady with pale skin, blazing red hair and gorgeous hazel eyes. Although called by many names, we shall stick with one, Red. The Native clenched Red feverish body as close as he could, feeling every inch of her smooth white skin against his. As clothing gets in the way of two conjoining bodies, as does the skin get in the way of two conjoining souls.  Although clothed at this time,  it was nothing for this young man who wanted to feel her soul one last time. Gazing upon the tiresome clock, he began to think.  "Five a.m, two hours till I have to be at home, three and a half  hours before I'm on my plane, and six hours till I'm in Toronto.  That gives me fifty-five minutes till I leave. My arm is constantly aching, your body is overheating mine and your frizzy red hair is constantly in my face.  I don't want go". Thinking about it now, I can't believe it's been four years  since I thought about leaving . Four very long years, yet so short. Many people have told me "when you're enjoying your time, it passes by too quickly.  When you're not enjoying  your time it passes by incredibly slow". No one ever took the time to tell me what happens when your ambivalent about the moment.   When the moment in itself is the best thing you have ever had, but the ending of it makes it the most excruciating moment of your life. The knowledge of how nothing ever lasts, kills the last amazing moment. As the narrator I feel responsible enough to inform you, when you're in a situation like I was, where each moment last infinitum , and its excruciating to feel every second leave you by. Just sit back, relax and enjoy it.   While every second left the "dot", the room filled with an intoxicating heat,  summer air had taken its toll this season and tonight was no exception. Gasping for air, the Native started sweating in this gratuitous amount of heat. Holding onto the human heater,  he clutched her tightly. No amount of anything, could make him let go, not in this moment. While clutching his love, he scanned the room. Searching for every other dot that painted the summer.  One such dot came to mind and he began to ponder.  "Fifty minutes till I have to leave". He began to smile his notorious grin. A grin that was only ever used when he couldn't talk about something so decadently good. So instead of talking about it, he smiled.  "It was just a month ago, we had to move a couch bed from your friends place to here, because you didn't have a proper bed(not that a couch bed is a proper bed anyways). The day was hot as ever, and the couch weighed a ton. But you needed it, and you needed my help".  Maybe you didn't need my specific help, but it felt good to think that you did.  "We went at it, pivoting the couch through your friends obscure doors, having to move around the toddlers toys, it was a chore and a half just to get the right angle. Finally breaking  through the door, the two start their journey towards the house. A quest that requires stamina and strength, which neither have. Constantly changing their stances and taking breaks, it will be a surprise to see if they get there. I know we did it".  Words suddenly resonated through the native that really took him back into the moment.    "shut up native, you virus"   red exhaustively spoke,                                                                                                                  "I don't need your sass". Native laughingly but just as exhausted uttered,   "LIES, you love it, besides you were the one to make my kind of joke".  "Hence why you're a virus, you infect others into your stupid humor",  Red snickered.  Native retorted,   " SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE BLAME the native, first you take my land, then you make me carry this HEAVY...ASSS...couch. What more do you want from me".  "Well sir Jeremy, I'm pretty sure I still have your heart",  Red smirked.    "Oh Ms. Frizz",   Native smiled.  The name "Ms. Frizz" reminded the Native or "Jeremy" of the movie "Secret of Nimh". Where they spent one relaxed after noon simply watching Netflix.  It reminded him of such events because the name "Ms. Frizz" and "Jeremy" refer to two of the characters in the movie. Frisbee the mouse and Jeremy the crow.  Jeremy being the clumsy oaf always star struck by love, and Mrs.Frisbee being calm and astute with her situations, solemnly working out her issues.  I suppose we used that as a backdrop for our friendship. For a bird and a mouse could only be friends.  The two finally carved their way through "Ms. Frizz's" apartment, they got the couch into the bedroom. Panting heavily, and smiling through a hard day's work. Red had to leave for some family business. In the midst of leaving she spoke   " So were going to hang tonight?".   Jeremy skeptically excited about the question,  answered   "of course?!".  Now you can ponder why "Jeremy the bird" was so skeptical and excited about the question. Maybe it was because they hung out every night, and never once did she ask for reassurance. He asked himself   "Why did she need to be reassured this one night"?  The answer he knew, but didn't want to accept it , till it was done. You the reader may ponder what you will, I'll say one thing "Jeremy the bird" was no longer "Jeremy the bird". So, the native smiled his delinquent grin and pondered.  "The ending of that day was only amazing, because of everything that led up to it. For no event....is.....no......event.......hmmmmmm. I'll get it later" . For no event is meaningful without the context behind it. I.E the joining of two people means nothing, when there's nothing backing it up. It wasn't my first time, but it was with her. There is so many important events in one's life, and they normally start with the phrase "my first time". Red was not my first time for anything, but she might as well have been. No kiss, no moment, no anything felt as good as it did with her. It became new, it became exciting, it became the first. I understand why we wait for the one we love before we experience some things. That definition defines how I see so many things now and why I simply wait.  "Forty-eight minutes, we had a great summer. I helped you get over your ex, which I'm glad I could repay that debt.  We explored caves, went camping, drank(a...lot), played chess, and did so, so many things together. I had the best summer of my life with you.  I remember when we first went camping, we were sooooo unprepared. We had to buy an axe cause we forgot it,  then as we were unloading the car we found another axe.  We had no tarp for when it rained(which it did).  We couldn't start a fire because I brought damp wood(which I thought was dry), and we had to lay on the very hard ground.   Not to mention, we lost your keys(which I found, thankfully) and all we did was get drunk. So overall It was amazing. *(It doesn't add to the story,  but I'm smiling really hard  as I write this.)* .  I would define that as one of the happiest nights of my life. Not because I got to be near her, plenty of times I have been close with her. But because this was the first time I got to share an experience with her in over a year without her.   I remember laying in this spot, where she had been with her previous boyfriends at the camp. Down the trail up in the woods, where we laid. Thinking I never want to be that guy she talks about poorly, how disappointed she was because of me. I wanted to be nothing but good for her. It's like how all my siblings wanted pets. My sisters got hamsters, my brother got a turtle, we had a dog. My sisters accidently killed the hamsters, my brothers turtle actually ran away, and our dog got sent to a new home. Now I won't say another stupid platitude like " we don't always get what we want". Rather, I will say this "Sometimes, when we have what we want, we don’t know how to take care of it".   It’s the plain truth,  and as I secretly cried while Red slept.  As I have cried many times after. I would think about that line over and over again.   "*silent tears*, sniffles. Forty minutes, this will be the last time I hold you, I know it. I took a year to become a better person. So I wouldn't do the same stupid mistakes as before.  I am honestly trying so hard.  I'm going to get jealous, lose my shit and wreck everything I know it. Why can't I be more healthy.  All our fights this summer, all those times I stupidly made you feel bad. Could have been avoided... I have to try my best. I won't get it if I don't keep trying at least. I just hope I get it before it gets worse".   The word important comes to mind,  like how important it is to remember that previous statement. So important, I'm going to write it in big blue letters, give it extra space and highlight it.   "Sometimes, when we have what we want, we don’t know how to take care of it". - Nathaniel Point  Now don't forget it.  Thinking back on it, I was a hot mess of a person. Probably still am, who knows.....I don’t know, although I'd say my most redeeming feature is that I don't give up.   "Thirty minutes,  Okay I'm better now.  No more crying, I have to be strong for Red. She's going to meet someone, and be with him I know it, and I have to be happy for her. I just have to be. I'm going to be gone. She needs someone to be here for her. It makes sense.  If I worry about, how much trouble I've been or could possibly be, I'm just setting myself up.  I'll cross that bridge when I get to it". I should have thought "I'll burn that bridge when I get there", I was far better at ruining things then keeping them together. At least back then. (By the way mashing two idioms like that together is considered a malaphor,  informally speaking. Let's try to use it more to make it more formal).  "I remember when you messaged me to hang, my heart popped out of my chest. I was so freaking ecstatic, it was crazy.  I had looked every day for the past year to see if you messaged me, sometimes twice. You had a few times. But there was no intention of really talking to me. But for some reason this time I knew. When I got home from Toronto, I had a gut feeling and I was excited for those few days leading up to it".  The happiest moment of my life is when I saw her again, ready to talk and continue. No moment after or before would be able to top it. I remember it so vividly, we chose to meet at the Dairy Queen parking lot, in downtown wherever. She said 15 minutes, because she had to travel from a separate location.  I got dressed bouncing. Now I have tons of energy normally, but never that excited, that energized in my entire life. I was literally bouncing, running to get everything on as fast as I could. I got there in five minutes(two minute walk),  and I waited there for 10 minutes. Then I saw her, and I just missed her.  A piece of who I was, had returned.   Originally, I had planned to work on the island for my summer. I had a gut feeling about red, but I figured I shouldn't plan my summer around a gut feeling or a person. Be healthy and responsible. I was going to save up money at this really good job that my friend and his C.E.O dad  got me.  I needed the money for furniture  and our new apartment in Toronto.  It paid 16 dollars an hour, offered to pay room & board, and was going to give me a truck for the job. Then I was going to go back to school and finish my astrophysics degree.  Then a week before I go, Red appears and messages me. Now I have a decision, do I talk to her or do I move on. I knew it was a mistake, not because she's a bad person. But because I wasn't healthy around her.  I knew the instant that I talked to her. All my plans to disappear. They did,  I stayed out on the island for a month, I just wanted to be back with Red.  The school year started and I just couldn’t focus, failed and dropped out.  I don't blame her at all for this. It just reflects the unhealthy type of person I was to let this happen.    "She let me back..... after I screwed things up the first time, she let me back."  Sometimes, we can do our best to learn from our mistake, and make the same mistake again. That is a cold hard truth of life.  "After I screwed up things the first time. Just before that she told me she was falling for me and I got scared. I pushed her away.  She got closer to her last boyfriend and I got jealous and let go, Cowardice. I can't let fear get to me, 12 minutes left".   Fear is the absolute destructor of all relationships,  it hides our deepest feelings, it twists our imaginations to do stupid things, and it manifests realities. If I have learned anything,  fear will not help.  The issue is, even when you realize it's just fears, it's hard to not let it decide for you.  Getting caught up in a moment will not help.  "10 minutes left.........I remember how this all started. I remember when I met you, I was dating my ex-girlfriend and you were dating your ex-boyfriend. We were in photography, I was sitting with Stacy and our teacher says "alright well pair up" and you got paired with us. We had to make a box that took pictures. I actually just sat there and did nothing, cause I had no idea what was going on".  When Red and I met for the first time. I thought her name was slutty, therefore she was slutty. Also her voice was terribly bland. Which I thought was perfect, because I was like "Hey, I have a girlfriend, I don’t need to like her, and were probably not going to talk anyways, after this project is done we will say our goodbyes. So no worries".  Then our friend Stacy didn't show up for class, and I got paired up with her again.  Then we just started hanging out. Our teacher was really relaxed, so we essentially just got to do what we liked in class.  We would go explore by ourselves outside, for hours taking pics.  Talking, hanging out and fooling around in the friend way. Cause we had our respective others. Then we had to develop our pics together, we would go in the dark, essentially black room and we would lay there and just talk. Until someone would get mad at us for being in there too long. I fell in love with my friend.  Five minutes before Native had to leave, he woke her. The dark somber blue still over casted the room. He got off the coach, red led him downstairs to put on his shoes. He put on his shoes, kissed her on her forehead and as he left.  I held on to her hand as long as I could while she closed the door. Feeling every contour of her hand,  for some reason I knew, a gut feeling. This would be the last time we would touch for a long time, or if ever at all. If ever never came.  Not long after I screwed it up.  I became the way I was worried, I would become. Fear took over, the unhealthy person I didn't want to be came alive.  The person that would hurt her. Because she found someone that did know how to love her from the start. That knew how to care of what he had. I'm the unlucky fool, who grew up with a distorted view on how to love, how to take care of those that you love. Sometimes, it's not if or if not you love them. Sometimes you just don't know how. I wish I knew how, back then I wished I knew how. I did everything in my power to learn. But it wasn't enough. If I met her any later,  I would have not fallen in love with her as I did.  If I didn't go through life the way I did, to end up with my distorted love.  Chances are I wouldn't have met her.  Things lined perfectly just to have her in my life the way she was.  So I can't be ungrateful,  just thankful.  If as the reader you feel cheated. Cheated  from a  true climax or anti-climax. Cheated because it somewhat abruptly ends. Where there was no resolution to the story, then you would have a better understanding to what the narrator and character did go through.  Because in life, sometimes things do abruptly end. With no finish, no resolution, and no closure.  Each memory becomes tainted, and you become ambivalent about every dot on your painting. Each dot becomes a shade of light and dark, and the universe becomes nothing more than a shade of grey. That's the interesting thing about depression, it doesn't have to be because you went through a terrible ordeal.  Sometimes you just have to take something away.  The story then isn't about the conflict or the end, it's about that one dot. The dot that changed a person from wanting life dreams, to settling for less.  Make a man or woman go from a friendly, outgoing person; to a closed off hermit. It's that same dot that will pull them back, from this terrible place.  Because Dots no matter how small they are, or feel; are far grander when whole.     FIN