#these tags have gone off the rails

[dungeonclown]

as a chronic himbo lover and gorgug enjoyer, nothing prepared me for the amount of pure joy and validation i experienced when brennan as arthur aguefort had to pause the entire live show to explain that barry is a himbo and gorgug is not a himbo

remember, my comrades. a himbo has to be all 3:

STRONG OF ARM

PURE OF HEART

DUMB OF ASS

[sforzesco]

alternative reasons to avoid bringing your brother in law into a conspiracy or a conversation between caesar and cassius

this scene is set sometime after Brutus and Cassius have switched over to Caesar's side during the Pompey-Caesar conflict.

in a different comic, I wrote about about how cassius isn't a dog that needs to be tamed, but that depends on which side of the playing field you're on. if you're Caesar, Cassius is someone you need to leash down immediately, and the complicated social web of debt is one way to do it!

Cassius is inescapably tied to Brutus: the sandbox bond of childhood best friends, brothers-in-law with Servilia bringing Cassius into the family, and a third time with Brutus asking for Cassius' life. if you're going to bring a man who clawed his way out of a horrific defeat that killed your patron and later joined up with your rival in a civil war (twice aligned with the other two heads of the three headed monster you were a part of!) under your heel, reminding him of the only bond that could hope to rival with his family ancestry is one way to do it!

Cic. Phil. 2.26

Brutus, Plutarch (trans. Scott-Kilvert)

The Defeat of Rome: Crassus, Carrhae and the Invasion of the East, Gareth C. Sampson

Civil Wars, Caesar, III. 101 (trans. A. G. Peskett)

Servilia and Her Family, Susan Treggiari

Caesar and the Dangers of Forgiveness, Barry Strauss

tbh, there's probably an additional subtext (there is, I was thinking about it) on how Crassus used 'softer' means than force to bind people to him (again, the politics of debt and patronage) and how Caesar takes after him in some ways here. it didn't last, tho. in 45 BCE Cassius voted against giving Caesar honors. (Cass. Dio 44.8.1)

[braisedhoney]

Captain! We have barricaded the cargo hold so that people don't... *reads smudged writing on my hand* hit the Narrator with a bat, marry him and ask him to skip them like a stone???

At rock bottom, #0505

yeah it does sound a little nuts when you put it that way doesn’t it—

[scopophobia-polaris]

first female loz director and the gerudo seem to be written fine enough? wow... there ain't no way I thought we were in the worst timeline after totk

Yeah got through the main quest with the gerudo, it wasn't painful! It wasn't even bad! Still got them outfits but for the most part it was like oh cool!

I would say a lot of that oh cool is from the fact they didn't do a lot to even fuck it up to begin with, I'm gonna be real with yall this game is NOT worth $60USD

Edit: lemme say one thing, you know when people were being like damn totk story wasn't dark or mature at all why was this compared to Majora's mask again? And then all the zeldatwt people came out and said zelda is just a kid series domt expect good writing uH

This one feels like a kid's game. That ain't to say it's terrible I would say, hell I'm not far in it if I get something crazy that's like OH FUCK I'll reblog this post and say something but uh.....game for babies I'm gonna be shocked if anyone struggles with any puzzles cuz you CAN CHEESE THEM EASY ITS 🫢🤭

EDIT EDIT: I SWEAR IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE A DOWNER..... @ezlo-x HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME IVE BEEN PLAYING....THEY KNOW I HAVENT BEEN A PARTY POOPER.....

[sandy-shocks]

I can't fucking stand the Robin discourse, it's gotten so fucking bad

It's made worse by the fact that it's been turned around into 'the big mean lesbians are forcing their headcanons onto people and harassing them, why can't they leave people alone'. No the 'big mean lesbians' are telling you the canon evidence and are asking you to please respect their identity and you're turning around and throwing slurs, death threats and sexual harassment aimed at them and then they're getting rightfully upset

I have never seen a fandom for a game made by a pro lgbt company with known canon queer characters be as homophobic and awful as hoyoverse fandoms

[drpeppertummy]

in retrospect i probably couldve just given him like. normal indigestion to appease the tummyache people. but anyways Holy Water-Induced Val Tummy Event

[extreme tummyache essentially from being poisoned, brief emeto moment but not graphic, tummy rubs]

Val: A little snack to get you through your day. 

"Huh. Wonder who that's from," Val pondered aloud as he read the note. The day, as it happened, now seemed a distant memory, and he was currently gearing up for a long night of work. It didn't matter if the cookies had been sitting for a while, though; they were neatly wrapped up in a little plastic goodie bag.

Val didn't mind working late into the night. Sure, it could be lonely with next to nobody else in the building, and his heart often yearned to be cozied up at home with Connie, but it was nice sometimes. Quiet, peaceful. Time almost didn't seem real, at least until sleepiness came creeping in and pulled him from his focus. Either way, he was grateful for the sweet little snack. He'd have to remember to track down whoever left it in the morning and thank them.

With a sigh, Val sat down at his desk, and his belly rumbled softly. He glanced at the clock. It was after ten, and he hadn't eaten a thing since four. He stretched, joints crackling as he did, then opened the little plastic bag and took out a cookie.

They were chocolate chip cookies, one of his many favorites, and they were fantastic. There was an odd tang to them that Val couldn't quite place, but he didn't mind. His stomach protested at the first cookie, but he supposed it was just because he was so hungry, and gladly followed it with a second one before setting the bag aside. The second cookie didn't settle his stomach, though. In fact, it only made him feel worse. His belly cramped up with a whining gurgle and he doubled over in his chair, hugging his middle tightly.

"What--" Val groaned, shutting his eyes as the pain intensified. His stomach was in absolute turmoil, tossing and turning with an awful burning sensation, and as he desperately clutched his aching belly, he realized what that strange taste had been: holy water.

"Shit," he gasped. His stomach cramped sharply again and a soft cry escaped him. Shit, shit, shit. He was completely doubled over, trying desperately to find some position that would miraculously ease the pain, but as his stomach began to bloat, he was forced to sit upright once more. He grasped at his now distended belly, unable to hold back a pained moan as it swelled tightly beneath his trembling hands.

Bolts of searing pain shot through Val's belly like lightning, and for a moment he nearly passed out. A wave of nausea bowled over him and he dropped to his knees on the floor over his little garbage can, still clutching his bloated middle. The pressure was horrific; his stomach felt like it was stretched to its limit, and he could feel the turmoil bubbling away inside. Desperately, he tried to force up its contents, but the effort was in vain; his body seemed unable to let go, like a hand helplessly grasping the source of an electric shock.

Utterly overwhelmed by the agonizing reaction, Val toppled over, curling up on the floor like a dying spider with his arms wrapped tightly around his belly. He wondered, through the pain clouding his thoughts, just how much holy water those cookies had been made with, and it briefly occurred to him that it just might kill him if he'd ingested enough. He tried to push himself upright beside the garbage can again but couldn't find the strength to do it.

Val lay there for some time, whimpering through his shaky breath like a wounded dog, shivering feverishly. Finally, mercifully, miraculously, the pain began to plateau, and then, not long after that, it slowly began to ease up. He remained still on the floor, afraid to move, not wanting to reignite the turmoil in his aching stomach. It still hurt, and he felt horribly nauseous.

Eventually, Val mustered up the courage to push himself upright. Almost immediately, his stomach jolted, and he barely had time to grab the little garbage can before it ejected the poisoned cookies. He clung to the garbage can for a few minutes after, trembling, unable to bring himself to move. He felt cold and dizzy and dazed, and his stomach was filled with a dull burning sensation. Finally, he set the can down.

He remained on the floor for a few more minutes, waiting for the dizziness to pass. When it did, he remained a few minutes more, then, slowly, carefully, he grabbed the edge of the desk and pulled himself up. His legs felt weak, and the awful tightness in his distended stomach hit him like a truck upon standing. Groaning, he doubled over again, holding one arm around his belly and leaning against the desk with the other. Another wave of nausea rolled over him, but it wasn't nearly as intense as the first. He held still for a moment, waiting for it to pass, and then stood upright once more.

Working through the night was no longer the plan. Val stumbled out of the building, still holding his sore tummy, and fell into the driver seat of his little car. He sat there until he was sure his head was clear, then, with a shaky sigh, he started the car and drove home.

"Val? Is that you?" Connie's voice, confused, as he came through the door. She appeared in the kitchen doorway and her expression quickly turned to shock and worry at the sight of her haggard little husband.

"Jesus Christ, Val, what the hell did you come down with?" She hurried over to him and he fell into her arms, clinging weakly to her. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His throat felt like it had been sandblasted, his mind was utterly blank, and he couldn't find the strength to pull up his voice. Holding him tight, Connie led him to their bedroom and helped him into bed.

"Honey, what happened?" she asked softly, sitting beside him. Carefully, she leaned down and took off his shoes, setting them beside the bed.

"Someone..." He paused and swallowed dryly. Connie listened patiently. "Someone...left cookies at my desk...don't know who...they had holy water in them...didn't notice..."

"Oh, god, Val," Connie gasped. "Are you going to be alright? Do you need a doctor?" He shook his head.

"I'm...I'll be okay," he said quietly, taking her hand.

"Who the hell would do that? God, Val, they could've killed you!" He shrugged weakly. "How do you feel?"

"Better," he sighed. His stomach gurgled miserably. Connie placed a hand on it and winced at how tight it felt, still painfully bloated from the irritation.

"Jeez, your poor tummy," she said, gently rubbing his sore belly. She laid down beside him and carefully took him into her arms, and he nestled his face against her shoulder with a shaky sigh. He still felt horribly sore and feverish, and he didn't think he'd be able to eat for a week, but having Connie by his side was the greatest comfort in the world.

"Poor sweetheart." Connie pressed a kiss into his forehead, gently stroking his thick, dark hair. Cautiously, still not wanting to move too quickly, Val wrapped an arm around her. She kissed him again, then returned her hand to his tummy, rubbing softly until he finally drifted off to sleep.

[outer-edges]

one thing i really appreciate about agents of shield is that when they introduced yoyo, they let her be a native spanish speaker character who only spoke spanish and they brought in joey to translate. and while they did it super quickly, they made a point to have her learn english throughout the show.

[riddikuluslupin]

remione [accidentally called your number while drunk asking for a ride and you actually came au] pt 2

She stood on the pavement’s edge, precariously too close to traffic for Remus’s liking, not that there were many cars on the road at such an hour. Why had her friend not been ready to swoop in and get her home safely? Why did she even have to call? What magic conjured up his number in her phone with him living only two blocks away?

The woman — Hermione, he reminded himself — gave a small wave. Her legs wobbled, and she grabbed the nearby lamppost for support. Drizzle fell softly, the droplets frizzing her hair and casting a fuzzy halo around her head. Remus felt visited upon by some supernatural creature as she glowed in contrast to the dark pub front. Gods, he needed to stop reading those fantasy books so late at night, but he hadn’t been able to sleep. Insomnia meant he’d been awake to take her call.

When he pulled up, she steadied herself on the slick car door and mimed rolling down the window. He did so. She peered in blearily at him. Remus wondered if he matched whatever expectation she had after talking with him on the phone. He ran a hand through his hair, knowing he looked rough after not sleeping well last night and now tonight. The days leading up to a full moon wrecked him. 

“Are you—?” they said at the same time. She laughed, and he couldn’t help but offer a small smile.

“Hermione, is it?” he tried again. “Do you still want that ride?”

“Oh, yes. Remus?” He nodded in reply. “If you’re going my way.” Her eyebrows raised conspiratorially as if relaying an inside joke.

Remus clicked the doors unlocked and then leaned over to unlatch the passenger side door. “There’s nowhere else this taxi service is going tonight. Get in before you’re soaked. The rain’ll be picking up.”

She jostled the door open and gracelessly plopped into the seat. Now, in the heat of the car, she unbuttoned her grey coat, revealing a cranberry red dress. She smelled strongly of orange liqueur with the faintest hint of…what was it…something warm and familiar. He turned down the heat when she began fanning herself with her hands. 

“I’ve never done anything like this before.” She turned to him as she buckled her seat belt. “Gotten into a car with a stranger.” A tremor of worry crossed her face as Remus assumed the implications of her situation washed over her. She replaced that doubt with a hesitant smile. “Please tell me you’re not an axe murderer.” 

Remus resisted the urge to say “not yet�� and turned up the windshield wipers against the growing storm. Instead, he took everything out of his pockets — his phone and wallet — and pressed them into her hands. “I know it’s not the same, but you’re trusting me, so I’d like to trust you with those. No axe murdering as long you don’t chuck those out the window.”

“I think I can manage that,” she replied. “Do you carry anything interesting with you?”

He shrugged, looking at the address she showed him on her phone so he could type it into his GPS. It wasn’t too far but also wasn’t close. Sleeping tonight looked more and more questionable. “I doubt there’s anything of particular note. Not much worth stealing.” He raised his eyebrows as she immediately plucked a wayward receipt that had been sticking out from his wallet.

“You’ve been to Flourish and Blotts?” she said in an excited rush. The warm amber glow of the streetlamps blinked past outside the windows, briefly casting her face in bronze light before winking back into darkness. No other cars were on this side street.

“I have to restrain myself from going more often. Or else I’d forget to buy groceries and only have books to eat.”

“Not very tasty. Have you seen that they’ve gotten in some new history books about…” 

Despite the lack of traffic, Remus kept his gaze on the road, even though he wanted to watch this woman be so enraptured by books that she soliloquized about what she wanted to purchase next, what she’d already bought, what she was currently reading, and what he should definitely not waste his time on. She brightly asked for his thoughts on books and, after her long, detailed discussion about the more obscure (and potentially occult) subjects she read (really, what was arithmancy? ancient runes?), he felt embarrassed to admit that only myth retellings currently held his attention. 

“No wonder you agreed to pick me,” she said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Two mythological creatures passing in the night.”

He tensed at her words and then noticed a smear of red extending down her lip. She can’t suspect, he thought. Deftly, he reached over to pop open the glove box to retrieve a tissue. “And since when is ‘Hermione’ a creature, rather than a human girl?” 

She took the tissue and blotted where he indicated on her face, avoiding his gaze as she blushed into the visor mirror. After shoving the tissue in her purse that Remus noted held two books with multi-colored tabs, she rolled down her window to stick out her hand and then pressed the rain along her flushed neck. Remus turned the heat off and couldn’t help but glance from the road to the hand that lingered on her collarbone. 

“Sidecars always make me hot. I should have stuck with the wine.” She sighed and then said so softly that Remus almost didn’t hear it, “I should have stayed home. So stupid.” 

Since she’d whispered the last part, Remus pretended not to notice; with his sharp hearing, he sometimes had to do so to keep people from looking askance at him and his “strange prying.” He didn’t know what to say, so the silence stretched out between them.

“What are we but creatures?” she replied in a fake lofty tone. “Creatures seeking comfort in all the wrong places.”

The street continued to unwind before them in a blurry line as the wind whipped rain across the windshield. Only one car passed them. Remus chanced another look at her. She stared down into the depths of her hands. He gently cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She fiddled with his wallet, opening it to slide her thumb along the credit cards nestled inside. “It’s nothing particularly special or interesting. A tale as old as time, being stood up, waiting around for him for hours until you decide to get royally knackered.” She plucked out his library card, then his grocer rewards card, until all the cards were freed so that she could sort them by color.

“What a prick,” he said. Gods, no wonder she sounded close to tears on the phone when she mentioned how alone she was standing outside. “Do you want to find his house and teach him a lesson?”

“I had plenty of time to consider what kind of lesson I’ll teach him should he ever dare darken my doorstep,” she said and smiled weakly at his attempt to cheer her up. “Plus, I thought you weren’t an axe murder. Will you be coming along for moral support then?”

He considered this as she applied a lip balm over her faded lipstick. There was the smell from earlier—a mix of vanilla and cinnamon. She caught him glancing at her mouth. Remus reached to turn down the heat again only to realize he’d shut it off earlier. His brain felt fuzzy from lack of sleep, the hard pull of the moon, and something else he couldn’t quite name.

“Have you ever stood up a date before?” she asked, her body angled towards him, her elbow propped up on the center console and hand cradling her head. Her hair brushed his argyle sweater.

Feigning insult at such a question, he said, “I would never.” He contemplated revealing that he could barely even remember the last date he’d gone on, that he remained an unattractive prospect because of his finances, his job, his condi- He swiftly cut this short as he noticed her staring up at him, her brow furrowed as if trying to puzzle out his thoughts.

“Where did you take your last date? And, please don’t say a pub.”

Remus rubbed the back of his neck and grimaced. How many months ago was it when he went for coffee with his co-worker Dora? She’d made calf-eyes at him, twirling whichever colorful extension she’d clipped into her hair that day (pink, purple, or blue), until he’d agreed to a date. “It was quite a while ago. We went to that little coffee shop attached to Dogweed and Deathcap.”

“Oh, the plant shop?” She brightened and sat up straighter. Searching through her purse, she pulled out a catalog with the shop’s logo on the front and leaned in closer to him. She’d shucked off her coat, and her bare shoulder bumped his arm as the car hit a pothole. She pointed to a dark purple flower. “They just put in my order for these.” 

Remus deftly glanced at it before looking back at the road, unable to identify it. “Which are those?”

“Aconitum,” she said. “I’ll have enough for several planters.”

Only a couple streets from her place, Remus managed to keep his car on the road when she said the flower’s name. “Why do you need so much wolfsbane?”

“You know it?” she said in surprise, then she was off again, chatting away as she had when discussing books. “Do you have some? I understand it’s highly toxic, and the shop waffled about allowing me to order that many plants. But they caved because I’m such a regular, although don’t tell them one reason for that is I killed off all my petunias and mandragoras. Overwatered them.” She ran her finger through her hair, causing it to frizz even further. “That won’t happen this time because I’ll be using them for a, erm, chemistry project.” 

“Nothing related to cooking?” 

“You’ll be pleased to know I’m also not a murderer.” She paused dramatically before following up with, “Yet.”

The GPS dinged as the car pulled in front of her small, dark-windowed house. Hermione scowled. “Ginny couldn’t even leave the porch light on? That boy better have been worth the lay.” 

Again, Remus reached over, barely avoiding brushing her knees that she didn't seem to notice were in his path, to open the glove box and fish out a torch. “I’ve got to have a talk with this Ginny about her priorities. If you don’t mind my company a little longer, I’ll walk you to the door.”

He tapped the torch against his thigh until the light flared to life. The rain had tapered back to a drizzle, and Remus jogged over to her side and had the door open before she’d managed to unbuckle the seat belt. She took his offered hand and wobbled a little less as she stepped onto the sidewalk in her sensible heels. With her coat back on but unbuttoned, she shivered as the wind blew in from the north. Its icy fingers threaded through Remus’s sweater. A bone-deep tired dragged at him, and his eyes flickered shut.

“Are you all right?” She hadn’t released his hand and squeezed it until he reopened his eyes to look down at her worried face. Outside, underneath the thin moonlight pushing through the clouds, the watery mascara smudges on her cheeks stood out clearly. What sodding prick stood up a pretty woman who read esoteric books and grew poisonous plants for fun. 

“Are you a witch?” Remus side-stepped her question with one that had been brewing in his mind since she rattled off the books she read or would soon read. If she was, then maybe— maybe— she’d understand about him and his condition. 

She looked stunned. The torch’s puddle of light illuminated their shoes; he was glad he at least wore a matching pair, although they were worn to hell like the rest of his oxfords. “Is your next line going to chat me up with some variation of asking if I’ve ‘put a spell on you’? 

His tired, tired brain cursed him. Once again, he’d messed it up before anything had even begun. What did he think would even begin in the first place? He was a stranger who conveniently lived near a pub she’d been stranded at and gave her a ride home. “Gods, no, I shouldn’t have pried. Ignore that. I don’t even have chat up lines. I don’t chat people up. I barely talk to anyone. ” He felt himself spiraling into a ramble. “Let’s get you inside. It’s late.”

At the door, he shone the light on the lock. As she twisted the knob, he turned to leave. Her hand tugged at his elbow, stopping him to turn back around. With the door ajar, her voice dropped low and she leaned in to whisper, “Can I give you something?” 

His heart fluttered strangely. What would she want to give him? He nodded, and she held up a finger for him to wait. She slipped through the dark doorway. A light flicked on in a back room. She soon returned with her hair in a messy bun and a small bag in tow. She pressed it into his hand and closed his chilled fingers around it. 

“It’s a sleep tisane with chamomile, mint, and lavender. Plus a couple secret ingredients. None of which are toxic or charmed, I solemnly swear.” She released his hand and tucked the stray hairs escaping from her bun behind her ears. “If you’re worried about that, you could always invite me over, and I’ll take a drink first.”

Was she asking him out for tea? Was he being asked out on a date? She must have misread the shock on his face because she began to walk back her offer: “Or you can chuck it in the bin. I thought it might help, and Ginny has told me I can offer help when people aren’t looking for it. I have been known to be bossy. Or you could put it in your bath?” She blushed. “Either way, I wanted to thank you for driving me out all this way.”

Remus finally found his voice. “I would love tea, but I can’t the next couple of days.” The moon pressed down on the paper thin clouds. “How about after that?”

She peered up, studying him with almost x-ray vision. He grew worried she was examining the lattice of scars on his face and down his neck. Explanations dried up his throat. “Text me after the full moon,” she said simply. “I went ahead and saved my number in your phone.” 

Later, when Remus opened his contacts, he found “the brightest witch” listed in his contacts, and his handwritten TBR list for when he went to Flourish & Blotts had vanished from his wallet. Tasting the tea, he knew at least two of the secret ingredients were vanilla and cinnamon, neither of which poisoned him. He did choke on his tea when Hermione sent her first text to him that read: “In my phone, I didn’t name you ‘axe murderer.’ You’re ‘the trusted wolf.’ Should I bring chocolate for our tea? And if you give me a fake address or anything of the sort, I will curse you. :)”

pt. 1

[chippdhearts]

10 Characters, 10 Fandoms

Thanks for tagging me, @singinprincess 🩵

Catherine Willows (CSI)

Teddy Altman (Grey's Anatomy)

Addison Montgomery (Private Practice)

Theo Crain (The Haunting of Hill House)

Maura Isles (Rizzoli and Isles)

Lena Foster (The Fosters)

Piper Halliwell (Charmed)

Kate Beckett (Castle)

Celeste Wright (Big Little Lies)

Elena Alverez (One Day at a Time)

No pressure, tagging: @torturedpoets, @renrapp, @claytonsdani, @katherinebeckettrodgers, @wistfulwatcher, @emilylprentiss, @plastixflower

[gauntletqueen]

tumblr let me mute specific posts on my activity page please

[desperatepleasures]

solid chance this fic just ends with condalbert deciding to break up and go back to being fuckbuddies and then having fucknasty breakup sex. the end.

[unhingedselfships]

Debating doing a second Yandere playlist, I know at least one moot who'd enjoy it. And I'm about 95% sure I can come up with at least another 10 tracks.

[harpie-raven]

My favorite supplemental was when during the actual recording Elias said

Elias: I’ll give you a copy but [for gods sake] no more subterranean adventures, [understand]?

Jon: Yes…I understand.

“SUPPLEMENTAL. I WAS EXPLORING THE TUNNELS AND I GOT LOST—“

Dude was literally Charlie from that one episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Like��.S2 Jon…hello—

My personal favorite is “supplemental: I’ve broken into Gertrude’s flat”

Oh also Martin finding the pictures Jon took of Tim’s house 😭

Unhinged Jon will forever be the funniest Jon, man was really out roaming the tunnels and stalking his coworkers like there was no tomorrow

[maccaccino]

where is my wife

Amazon review on this Morrow edition of "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett I found this morning that left me laughing in tears right from the title.

... Actually, in hindsight, having seen the ineffable divorce™️ of Season 2, the fact that the only thing left on the cover is his glass of wine makes me so sad. It's like Crowley, having now been through all that, has left his glass of wine in the bookshop and is refusing to come back since Aziraphale is gone. Muriel doesn't really want to touch what Crowley left in the hopes he will be back soon and maybe still want his glass of "whine", whatever that is. He seemed sad last time they saw him, so that's probably what they meant by "whine".

.... Wait a minute though, did Aziraphale write this review?!? "WHERE IS MY WIFE?" ?!?!?

Okay it's time to tag him, this has gone off the rails and so have I. @neil-gaiman please explain. Thank you. (Love your work, actually. But also... What is going on here.)

Update, not even 10 hours after I originally posted this: Neil himself liked the post. I'm freaking out a normal amount about it.

PS: here's a lil thank you post for all the notes I'm getting, holy hell!!!

[blackrabb1t]

im learning so much more about recreational drugs than i ever needed to lmao and it's all for an upcoming post

[velvetypoets]

Mister pitch perfect

The perfect Gryffindor golden boy has gone off his rails to catch a Black daughter.

Warnings: James Potter x reader fanfic, James is down bad, I tagged marauders but no peter, Slytherin reader, Black family reader, reader is portrayed as she/her, reader centric, forbidden love trope, SFW, James perspective

havent done this in a while and this will be the first time im posting on this platform. im very sorry if its quite messy!

this was supposed to be a oneshot but i drag it too much. so it'll be some sort of a series oneshot? will also be posted on ao3 soon!

————————————————————————————————————————

It was never meant to be. James Fleamont Potter was basically molted into the perfect specimen of man and every soul who has ever walked Hogwarts knew. Sure he would cause trouble every then and again with his fellow mates. Yet of course, James would always dazzle his way out of it with a few charming smiles or reasonings to squeal his way out of being blamed.

He was confident, charismatic, spotless.

And when he meets eyes with you, it was set. James is sitting at his usual spot with the marauders at supper when the moment arrives. You were fixing your necklace to your neck at the Slytherin table, struggling with the clasps as your face scrunches in frustration. James almost walks the whole way over to you and offers his assistance right then and there.

"Stop undressing my cousin with your eyes, Prongs," Sirius brings James back to reality with a slap on the back of his head. He seems to still be having his feast so that was new of him to pick on James in that setting. Remus raises an eyebrow as he stares at the two, "Since when do you care about the other Blacks?"

"That was foul, Pads!" James yell as he rubs his head and glares at his mate, he's used to Sirius playfights but that slap seems to be sincere. He tries to focus on the conversation as he tries to find you again on the table across. You seemed to have moved next to Regulus as he helps you with your necklace. James lets out an involuntary sigh.

"She's different, Moony. She's on the edge too. Pretty sure she's going to find a way to run when she hits 18," Sirius lets out a scowl, "Heard she is to be arranged with Nott. Bloody brilliant that."

"Nott? That Nott? Surely you're joking. That bastard can't even keep his owl alive for a week! How's he going to keep a wife that young?!" Remus exclaims in disbelief. Whipping his head to take a good look at you now that you're a big deal. "I wish I was. I love you but seriously mate, don't. You're big enough trouble yourself," Warns Sirius with his fork right to to James face. A juicy piece of meat dangling right on it.

He bites it though. Sirius lets out a shrieking squeal of, "My meat!", erupting laughter at the Gryffindor table as James chews proudly with a sly smile across his face. The boisterous sound turns a few heads, including yours. Your brows raised at the sudden commotion, only to have the red of your cheeks creep in as you find one of your cousin being the center of it. He watches as you rub your cheeks to hide the tint.

James gulps the meat down. He's quite full himself but he must admit, it's nothing like he has ever had.

——————————————————————————

The next time he sees you, you are sitting by yourself writing in parchments on a patch of grass by the lake. James is in a broom practicing to catch the golden snitch on Hogwarts grounds. Quite foolish but he's gotten bored of the arena and its currently being used by the Hufflepuff team anyways.

He's worried about you sitting all alone in this breeze though. It's quite cold and you don't seem to be wearing enough layers. He keeps a distance near a tree so as not to scare you, although he is quite discontent with seeing just your figure by the lake.

You whipped your head to the skies behind you, "Reggie? Is that you?" You ask calmly, your eyes not missing the shadowy figure blatantly hiding behind a tree, "I saw you from the reflection. Very funny, Regs."

James cracked a smile at your sarcastic tone. He even finds your voice perfect. He fixes himself a little before he reveals himself off the shade and lands in front of you, "So I'll take it you find me quite funny?"

Your eyes widened as you process the man in front of you. Why would James Potter—the Gryffindor golden boy—be here? And why is he talking to you now?

"You're not Reggie." You said still in shock, almost sounding like a question. Your brows are raised as you try to study his demeanor. He's holding his broom awkwardly in his arms, you've always thought James Potter's confident composure was permanent.

"Well if your standards of humour is a certain Regulus Black, I'm sure I'd be comical, love," He cracks a small smile and a hand extended to you, "Potter. James Potter."

You look at James like you're Newt Scamander finding a newfound beast, "I know who you are. Everybody does," You said in disbelief, finding the whole situation suspicious. The breeze of wind moves his curly hair to his face, framing it gracefully, "What I want to know is why are you doing this? We're not exactly fit to be friends."

"Why that's quite bold of you, lovely. Who said I'd like to be friends?" He said as he leans closer. You never noticed it before but his glasses are rather clean today, his hazy eyes look at you with glimmer in them you've never seen on anyone before. You think to yourself if its one of the charisma of being James Potter.

You stood your ground, you would have never thought to ever be face to face with this dazzling man in front of you. You are a Black though, your legs won't give in even if you try, "Well that's settled then. Are you here to pick a fight?" You ask him plainly, crossing your arms upon your chest.

James finds it adorable, he knows full well of his effects on people and especially of course girls. What he doesn't understand is the effect you have on him. "The contrary, darling. I have a proposition for you."

You lift a brow and yet let him continue, "I heard you're in quite the predicament with Nott. Now I know a way to get you out," His claim makes your eyes open, you let him continue. Words dripping in confidence, "A date. With me."

This time, you can't help but let out a laugh–of which James can't help but take in the sight. He's completely enamoured.

'What? Huh– Hold on. You can't be serious," You looked at him as if he had gone mad, the thought of a Black and a Potter dating is out of this world, "I don't know what kind of prank you're up to, but do you seriously think I'll fall for that?"

"Wait, I am serious! Picture this, if Nott knows you're going out with me he'd be livid, enough to break off the arrangement. I mean have you seen the way that scum looks at me? It's like he has this permanent face of eating vomit flavoured Bertie Bott's Beans!" He rants as he joined in on the laughter with you.

You are smiling as the laughter reduces to giggles. As stupid as it is, it has a good chance of actually working. You pondered, there's still one thing on your mind, "What's in it for you? Would I have to do anything?"

James let out a smile, his palms are sweating like he's deep into a Quidditch game, "Well I get to see Nott lose his bride—" He pauses, confronting himself whether to tell you the real truth or not, "I mean I'll also get a beauty on my side."

You roll your eyes at that, "Don't you try to charm me, Potter. Give me the real reason or its off. I have a feeling you need this more than I do,"

She's right, James thought. He was about to play it off if you denied it straight away, he wasn't entirely sure you would actually take him seriously. He grasps the sight of you for a bit before closing his eyes tight, "Okay, how about I tell you the reason in a week— Maybe a month. You don't have to do anything, we'd just go out like normal couples do. Sounds good to you?" He said, he extends his arms to you for a handshake. His thoughts full of prayers to Merlin so you wouldn't notice the tremble in his arm.

You grin the same one James had seen a million times on Sirius's face, the Black's grin of content. You shake his hand firmly, his big ones almost encasing yours, "You've got yourself a deal, Potter."

James is using every atom on his magical being to control his ecstasy as he smiles widely at you. Once the handshake is done he reaches for his scarf over his neck and wears it on you, "Nice doing business with you, sweetcheeks. I do hope you start wearing warmer clothes though. No snogging will be done if you're in Pomfreys care."

She looks good in my color

Well technically so is the color of a quarter of the schools because of course its a Griffyndor scarf.

"You surely don't expect me to go back. To my dorm. Through the halls, the stairs and the common room. With this on?"

Oh I won't regret this one bit, James thought. He chuckles at your words dripped in such a sarcastic tone, "Of course not, darling. Do you think I'm mad?"

He extends his arms for you to hold, "We'll go back together. Through the halls, the stairs, even the common room. I heard you folks have lovely parties there."

You let out a chuckle as you circle your arms around his, "Oh, the best ones. Your Gryffindors ass is so not invited though."

"Well at least I do have a lovely one, don't I?"

"Oh shut it, Potter!"

——————————————————————————

Another storm of commotion is coursing through Hogwarts. A lot has played it off as a mere prank. James grins at the thought of it. He has only you on his mind lately, cherishing the bits of conversation you and him had.

He's on his way to charms class this morning, one that inconveniently does not have you in it, he checked. He checked your schedule last night sneaking through administration with the invisibility cloak.

Moony and Pads by his side as usual. Sirius seems to still haven't caught wind of it, his hair tousled from a good sleep. Apparently he was up all night helping Remus solve a 10k piece magic puzzle.

Won't be long with how loud the students are gossiping though. James let out a coherent sighs. He had an amount of grins with knowing looks from a couple male students and even a pat on the back by a random Slytherin, "Alright, what is going on?" Remus breaks first. Stopping the two boys right before the class door.

James crackles a laugh, "What's going on? Nothing's going on, mate! What?" Moony lets out a drawled scowl on him, one he makes when he pieces that they're in some kind of trouble, "Why is everybody on Hogwarts up your pants then, Prongs?!"

Sirius yawns as he hugs James by the side to lean his head on him, "Yeah... Saw that too even if my eyes were closed the entire walk. You can tell us mate, come on," He does notice the lack of scarf on his mate's neck though, none in this rapidly chilly morning? "Prongsie, where's your scarf? I could really use a pillow here–"

"Oh! Thank Merlin! One second late and I would've thrown this in the bin. Here, take this off me," There you are with James Potter red and yellow scarf on your hands, just coming out the door. All three boys were quite startled, "What? Wait. This isn't your class," said James. His eyes land on the presence of a Slytherin scarf wrapping your neck. James wishes he could take that one instead.

"Yeah... I'm sort of risking being late to Dark Arts for this but I can't take the whispering anymore. I might square the next person who even looks at me!" You told him, your grip on his scarf tightens and James wishes the fabric would stretch upon your nails.

Sirius is well awake now, his bagged eyes darting between you and James as if you're both insane, "Hold–Hold on! What is this? What is happening, Why do you have James's scarf?" He cuts, going between you and James to put a distance and blocks James view. Remus gives James a 'he did warned you, mate' face at the side.

James on the other hand, in too much of a thrill of seeing you this early in the morning, "You could also just admit ya didn't want me to get cold, love. Thanks for the thought there," He said almost shouting as he stands on his tips to try and see you from above Sirius's head.

You let out an annoyed grunt, "Ugh I don't have time for this. Here Siri, give this to that stupid friend of yours. I'd like to keep my Dark Arts seat next to Cissy and Malfoy's been eyeing it like the vulture he is," You throw James's scarf to your cousin's head not caring if it covers his vision, it earns a few chuckles from nearby students. He trashes to take it off and looks at you in betrayal.

You're about to run off to Dark Arts and leave your cousin and his foolish mates when your feet stop and turn you back, "If you still want that date to happen. Expect my owl, Potter. She's a snow named Emerald."

"Oh and it is lovely to meet you, Remus. Do take care of my sod cousin and my idiot boyfriend. Make sure they're out of trouble," You smiled sincerely at Remus, you actually do admire him a little. You love dark arts and your professor rants and rants about Remus's talents.

Remus seems taken aback, but that would make the three of them. You left after he reciprocated your smile and responded with a polite, "You too, (Y/N)."

And as such, you scurried off in a rush to go shoo away Lucius Malfoy from your seat and save Narcissa. Leaving behind a bewildered Remus, an angered Sirius, and a lovestruck James.

James keeps his eyes on you until you turn the corridor, a stupidly huge smile stays on his lips. He turns to find the reality of Sirius's wrath upon him. Remus is quite literally holding back Sirius with his whole body, it's quite an advantageous turn of events that Sirius hasn't had his proper sleep yet.

"Boyfriend! Boyfriend?! When did you even– How is this— Let me go, Moony! He's going to have an earful!"

He definitely will get that earful later. James grins an apologetic smile at Remus as he picks up his scarf that fell to the ground. He could already smell the sweet of your scent from a distance.

Remus lets out a huffed noise, "You really do always get what you want don't you?"

James doesn't reply. He wraps his own scarf on his neck, embracing the warmth it does to his skin. Your scent crashes onto him like tidal waves. A tint of rose blooms on the pale of his cheeks.

He smiles faintly at the open skies over the hall window. He wishes for an owl he hadn't even met for safe travels.