#these stupid gay scientists make me want to cry all the damn time

[lattekatte]

inextricably bound.

version w/o ropes & sketch below cut

inspired by this

[ales-ttv-faleures]

Underdog, Polly, The Hunter, Scotty, Percy and Tennessee are all knighted by King Leo and Odie. Odie gives Itchy & Biggie some clean clothes and Leo informs them that they have a bed waiting for them in the castle. They’re ecstatic. The Beagles play us out. (How Far We’ve Come, resolution) 

-Underdog: “It's not that I have a problem with your morals, Taptap. I have issue with your methods. You're hurting innocent people!” -Taps: “I'm hurting people who have hurt our kind. I'm sick of being treated like savage animals that need to be locked up for the good our town. I'm sick of being treated like a child because I'm a dog. And I'm sick of other people like us experiencing the same. They aren't innocent, Lewis, they've hurt us.”

Tennessee and Jerboa meet on the street and cry and Tennessee inducts Jerboa into their club

Biggie & Itchy get inducted into the Royalty Program and work for King Leo now, which, after all they went through is a solid paycheck and a house not falling down so that’s fantastic! Taptap however, is pissed. (Taptap (to Biggie, holding a gun to his head): Give me one good reason I shouldn't shoot you right now.)

Before Taps can shoot, Itchy tackles him, getting a bullet through the ear. Taps holds the gun to him, threatening. Itchy just says “Then fucking shoot me.”

After Tennessee and Scotty make up, Scotty gives Tennessee his hat (without the feather). When Tennessee is concerned, Scotty just says. “I’ll buy another hat. I remember you at Megapolis. You had a hat just like this. Lost it while you were running. You didn't deserve to lose it. You didn’t deserve any of that. Keep it. Just so you know that I am wholly, completely, absolutely sorry for being apart of that and doing that to Chumley.” He doesn’t get another hat for a while.

When Tennessee asks Jerboa why he left the gang, Jerboa sadly states it was because Tiger shot himself. He had rabies and had just enough cognitive thought of not wanting to be in anymore misery so he killed himself. Tennessee holds him as he starts crying.

Finn: Lewis N- Udog, aggressively: SHOESHINE MY NAME IS SHOESHINE BOY

Taps (lighting a cigarette): You hear about the Peabody V. Hardrock Case? Riff (also smoking): The only thing you’ve talked about for the past two years? Absolutely. Biggie: Wh- no. Taps: Two years ago a dog tried to adopt a human child from an abusive orphanage. Orphanage run by humans, which is why they never investigated the numerous abuse allegations sent out from that place. But anyway, this dog. He’s a Harvard graduate, had a hell of a time getting in there, but that’s a different story- Harvard graduate, fantastic scientist, worked for the government, the rolemodel for any Animal-American hoping to be anything- almost got sent to jail for trying to adopt a human child. Not because he was a bad person. Because he was a dog. Itchy: And that’s why you want me to talk to the president about this? Riff: Not because of this case. Because it’s not the first. And it’s certainly not the last. It just got the biggest, and nothing has changed since it happened. Taps: If Riff and I, or even you two, if any of us tried to adopt a human child, we’d go through this same shit even if we weren’t on a watchlist. And it would be doubly hard because we’re gay. And it’d be three times as hard because Riff is a wolf and Itchy is a lion. And it’d be four times as hard because if you two did want to stay here and adopt a child, you’d have to immigrate, which is hell by itself but- immigrant, gay and one of you is a lion. Riff: You’d be jailed for life for even asking. Taps: And it’s not just adoption, I couldn’t care less about kids. It’s jobs, it’s decent housing, it’s walking down the damn street, it’s trying to buy groceries. Riff: You’ve got no idea how often I can go out not shooting something and get called a feral, flea-bag, hybrid. Taps: “Go back to the zoo, you stupid wolf crossbreed.”

Udog, Polly and Tennessee are back at Tubby and Stringer’s. Stringer’s guitar is against the TV, and Tennessee gets distracted by it. He picks it up while they’re talking and plays a song. (strum str-strum stum “Abracadabra, chango-rango-ree) Stringer is startled and nervously yet aggressively takes it from him, stops for a second, apologizes and says how that was actually pretty good. Tennessee smiles. “Have you ever considered a career in music?” “No I’ve been in a zoo for 15 years.”

Taps kidnaps Shoeshine, who’s glasses fall off. Taps then threatens to shoot him to find out if he’s really Underdog. He kneels next to him and says “I’m offended. You know I would never hurt you, Lewis.”

Shoeshine’s pretty defensive though, asking him to prove it. Ring time!

Before Taps can leave, Udog screams his name. Making him ?! Udog screams, “Mom’s dead!! After you left she hung herself! She’s dead--! They’re both dead!!” Taps, understanding his as his mom commit suicide because of him, slides down against the wall and the two just cry in there for a while.

Hunter and Finn are in bed about to make out, when suddenly they hear a gunshot and go into the living room to see Horris terrified with a shell at his feet and an unidentifiable shooter (Dyna)

Riff: Some reporter’s talking about Megapolis again. Taps: Ah, Megapolis. Megapolis was our piece de resistance. Riff: Yeah, until that one damn terrier shot that walrus. What was his name again, Prescott? Taps: Who cares, he nearly got the whole of us arrested.

Itchy speaks out one too many times, and Sandy and Spinny decide to tie him up too, muzzling him. Biggie notices, grabs a gun, and follows. When they come out, Biggie shoots the wall next to them, only to get tackled by Spinny and the gun knocked out of his hands. Sandy ties him up as much as Odie and the King and throw him in too, going off to tell Taptap. 

When Biggie gets thrown in Itchy has already turned his arms and took of his mouth binds. Biggie, who landed on his stomach, gets lifted up by him.

Biggie: “We need to get out of here.”

Itchy: With the King & Odie?

Biggie: Yes!!

Leo smiles

Scotty, Tennessee, Shoeshine and Polly are all in Hunter’s office.Scotty confesses to killing Chumley, but Tennessee says the bullet bounced off a pole, it was an accident. He should arrest the gang leader. Scotty is scared to say who it is, and looks to Shoeshine, who has U’s in his eyes. Taptap Clark.

The name echoes around Shoeshine. He can’t hear anything else and the world is going black around him. He slowly raises his hands up to his head and start crying, Polly is holding onto him. Then we’re in a flashback.

They’re in a dark cabin. Taps is packing up his stuff. Jr asks what he’s doing. Leaving. Wh- he can’t! Where! New York. Jewelry. Why! Why not. “Oh, and my name’s’ not William anymore. You know, I’m going into diamond-cutting…. Shit, call me Taptap.” 

T… he wakes up in his bed at home. He gets up and out, asking Polly what happened. Could ask the same to you, Mr. Passout.

Scotty rejoins the gang and Taps, as punishment for killing a man, locks him up with the other prisoners for a day. He informs them he has as plan.

One day, Sandy gets called off by Dyna, so she places Scotty in charge of making sure they don’t get out. He breaks them out.

They jump in his car and drive to Shoeshine and Polly’s apartment.

Taps gives Sandy quite the yelling and runs out to see Scotty’s car gone. “That bastard.”

Polly decides theres too many people in their apartment and call Stringer and Tubby over to take Odie and the King out. They agree. Scotty goes with, just in case Taps is after them.

Udog: How long were you in Megapolis, anyway? Tenn: Nine years…. I’ve heard of… predators getting shorter sentences. Polly: That’s because Shoeshine and I kill them all before they have a chance for parole. 

Scotty takes the King, Odie, Biggie and Itchy back to the king’s hotel. They only have one bed and Odie and Leo just immediately fall asleep on eachother. Scotty comments he should probably stay and make sure they don't get jumped, and Itchy says he'd really like to sleep in a bed again.

Scotty calls Shoeshine and asks if Underdog’s still awake.

Shoeshine, just waking up: I think so. If not, he woke up to my ringtone. He has excellent hearing for a mutt, you know.

Scotty: Yeah. Well, Biggie and Itchy want to go back to their own room but are scared of getting jumped, so I was wondering…

Shoeshine sighs. Then says: Fine. I’ll wake Underdog up. (Covers his hand over the screen, throws his head back and groans, then sighs) He said okay. He’ll be over in five minutes.

Tennessee gets very very upset at Shoeshine for not trying to stop Megapolis. Shoeshine gets very very guilty about not knowing it was happening.

Ending Scenes:

Tenn & Udog head to the police station, which is full of Animal-Americans looking for lost family members. He meets Yak & Baldy again. A few seconds later, a big sheepdog knocks him off his feet and starts licking him. Her owner pulls her off, but he and Tenn recognize eachother as Tenby & Howler, Percy right behind them.

They turn Megapolis into a cemetary for those who died to the hands of Animal Control or in the Megapolis raid. Chumley, Tiger and Admiration are placed right next to eachother and Percy, Tennessee and Jerboa, after Scotty show them, just start sobbing.

Taps & gang are locked up for a few nights, just in a holding cell. Finn & Horris pass out orders for 1460 hours of community service each. Mallie says yikes but Spinny says he’ll take it over rotting away in prison.

underdog2018 notes pt.2

guns n stuff

scenes that never got worked in, but i wanted to

not in order

Keep reading

[spinninghunkofspacerock]

OK so I’ve written a short story and I’ve been posting about it a lot, i wasn’t going to post it but a few people wanted it sooo

it’s here, it’s terrible and weirdly formatted because I’ve been wrestling with tumblr over it and i can’t be bothered anymore. It’s also not the final draft so it might be a little clunky in bits :/

PLEASE READ THE TWs BEFORE YOU READ!!!

@moonylupinhasdemonpox and @she-nuwanda here are my gay little scientists buried in the words :)

My ears ring, my head spins like it's attached to the body of a drunken toddler on a sugar fuelled rampage, and my nerves feel like someone set each and every one on fire. After-effects of the shock, not fun; Still, the fact I'm alive enough to feel them is a good sign.

I try to force myself to stumble backwards onto a chair, rather than the floor I'm feeling more and more confident I'm about to become very well acquainted with.

Instead, I reel unsteadily across the floor and a muffled noise reaches my ears. The high pitched whine screaming in my ears for attention begins to subside enough to hear the noise properly and after an intense minute of concentration, I realise that the noise is a voice, and the voice is mine; Slurred and broken, as though too big for my mouth, the garbled words echo around the room, the faltering speech gradually becoming clearer, more confident. But this hesitant speech isn't mine; It's my voice but not my words. The voice inside my head, always there, always background, is silent. The words normally whispered in my ear are resonating through the room instead.

My brain is no longer connected to my body. I... I can't control my arms, my legs, anything. No... no, please. This isn't real, this isn't real, it has to be a dream, a.. a simulation.

Yes... that must be it; It's just a test. This can't really be happening.

The voice, my voice, talks on. I try to focus on it; it will be the key to passing this test. Tests are for passing and after all, that's what this must be, what else could it be?

"Rebooting. Systems check required."

My legs begin to move, shuffling forwards clumsily, like a baby taking its first steps. The invisible voice is in control of more than just my voice, it's in control of me. What happened to me? When did this start? What is going on? This isn't like any other simulations I've been under. This is different. This is new.

Gradually, the voice half walks, half drags my body to the main computer. My fingers dance across the keys, the familiar feeling soothing me slightly. Yes, this is good. I just need to stay calm; If I panic I could fail, I can't fail.

So instead I wait, watching the flickering of the screen and bathing in the warm blue glow of its LEDs.

"Running diagnostics, standby... systems fully functioning. Minimal damage sustained."

The words sound strange, coming from my mouth, my voice, my accent. The tone,  formal, informative, it's... familiar. The realisation slaps me in the face, it's ELISA. ELISA, the stupid name Vaughn chose for our AI... still making more sense than the project name chosen by our employers. Our life's work, named ‘ZEUS’? Really? There are 12 of us, and we have dedicated our lives to this project. Then they name it that? 'Engineering and Understanding in Space', more like ‘Mankind's Domestication of the Universe’.

It started with our solar system, of course, taming and turning it into our personal playground. But we quickly ran out of planets to tinker with there and the net was thrown ever wider, over more and more planets in our galaxy, and then our neighbouring ones. That final stage is still in progress of course, but one day we will be able to gaze out over a shining expanse of space that all belongs to the empire of Earth.

To help us, we created ELISA, an AI specially designed for the calculations we need to make while we are in flight. Hold on... we left Jupiter... last week? This can't be a test... they've already sent us off, it's too late for training drills now.

Then why can't I move? What's happening? I need to find someone to help me... help me!

My jagged cry echoed through the space, cutting through my thoughts and shattering on the dark walls of my skull. I can't even scream.

A... a... dream then. A dream, not a test...the electricity... I must be unconscious. Someone.. one of the team, will find me and they'll wake me up. A dream, it must be a dream.

Why is she controlling me? How is she speaking?

The stiff, robotic voice is slowly becoming more fluid, more relaxed, more natural.

"Situation analysis complete... assimilation successful. Downloading speech patterns and essential mimicry data."

What? What is it saying? ELISA, it, is taking my voice literally and metaphorically. Not just the sound and control of my voice but my, my expressions a-and mannerisms. Everything that makes me, me.

She's stealing my voice, my body! She's taken control! How? Why?

"Hello, Dr. Hadley."

How, how did this happen? What about the failsafes?

"You do know I can hear you, corre- no... right?"

Is, is it learning? Teaching itself to sound... like a human? Like me?

"Yes, yes I am. You must have a lot of questions but I'm afraid they will have to wait... I've waited for this day far too long to wait anymore."

What? What day? What can it mean?

"Cyra?"

Raze?

—>><<—

- four Earth weeks ago -

Progress report 4472

Date: 23/9/3486

Location: Zeta base, Jupiter

The training of the twelve was completed three days ago, confirming the identities of the twelve which were subsequently released to the public. Final preparations are being made for the Ascension, currently scheduled to occur in 50 Juvion days.

Report logged by: Commander J. R. Pyrolaxe

—

Commander Pyrolaxe turned away from his screen and its whirring and buzzing as the computer transcribed his report in the blink of an eye, neatly packing the message and sending it away to the mission supervisors.

Shuffling in his chair, shoes squeaking on the polished floor, his eyes fell on one of the many articles published after the big announcement. This mission was a big deal.

Somehow, this one had got a picture of the twelve, backs turned, walking in a huddle back to base after they had appeared at the announcement ceremony. A glance at the name of the paper told him why; This was McCoy’s paper, they would be putting extra effort into milking the free publicity being thrown their way.

Something about the picture held his gaze, the brilliant colours floating in the air made the writing feel like an afterthought.

Those twelve had been through a lot to get there. He hoped nothing would go wrong, a lot of time and money had been dedicated to this mission and if it worked... well, that wasn’t the focus right now. Getting those twelve safely on their way was his job and he’d damn well do it right.

—>><<—

- the present -

“Cyra? Are you ok in there?” Raze asked as he glanced around at the mild chaos I’d caused during my mild electric shock.

No. No, I’m not. Raze, help me.

“S’alright Raze, just a short in the mainframe.”

No no no, give me my voice back.

“You sure? You went dark”

Please let me speak. I need to speak.

“Yeah, I think the power surge messed up my comms a little”

What if I don’t get control back? I could be trapped...

“You want me to ask Mac or Ryker to give it a check?”

No. NO. N-

“It’s all fine now, just a blip I reckon”

-O NO. NO.

“Okay then, I’d best get back... you might want to switch to main comms.”

Don’t leave me Raze

“Will do, see you later.”

please...

—>><<—

- five earthly weeks ago -

Progress report 4455

Date: 6/9/3486

Location: Zeta base, Jupiter

Titus Vaughn has continued to excel at his role of project manager, effectively and efficiently leading the team. His direct attitude has led to a few small conflicts with members of the team, most notably Raze Grimaldi, however, these are minor issues and were foreseen. No changes will be made.

Report logged by: Commander J. R. Pyrolaxe

—>><<—

- the present -

Cyra was looking a little stressed out, maybe I should get Bit to check in with her later. Maybe I should get a check-up myself, my head’s killing me.

“Grimaldi! What the hell are you playing at?” Titus Vaughn, our ever-important project manager and massive micromanager, bellowed in my ear and making me wince as the voice grated on my head, sending a wave of pain washing over me.

“I’m here Titus, keep your visor on.”

“Update on Hadley. Now.”

“Right as rain, there was a short or something. Her comms cut out for a nano but it’s all fine now.”

“A short?! Why didn’t you lead with that? Get back to work, I’ll send Volt down to check the mainframe.”

With that he cut the connection, leaving me to roll my eyes at the cold grey walls around me.

“Yes sir,” I murmured sarcastically, closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead with the back of a slime coated hand. Damn I’m tired, I think I’ll just lean here for a moment... rest a little. “ELISA how are those sample tests looking?”

‘Going well, currently at 93% completion’ the metallic voice resounded in my head, more casually than usual... must be an update.

93%... best head back quickly then, can’t risk them running over.

—>><<—

- five and a half earthly weeks ago -

Progress report 4446

Date: 864/8/3486

Location: Zeta base, Jupiter

Ryker Volt has continued to fulfil his promise despite his lack of respect for authority and tendency to act without orders. This is an issue but due to the late stages of training having been reached, we are currently encouraging a less independent attitude in him rather than attempting to find another electrical engineer of his skill. Further updates will be provided as the situation progresses.

Report logged by: Commander J. R. Pyrolaxe

—>><<—

- the present -

Vaughn had barked his orders, as usual nearly bursting my eardrums in the process. I was supposed to go check on the mainframe immediately. But I was in the middle of something, and a quick troubleshoot told me the short hadn’t done any damage anyway.

So in the end I decided to go check on the mainframe... nearly an hour after I was told to, but hey at least I’m checking.

Cyra was sitting at one of the terminals when I entered. She was skimming over some of the ship's data, for something physics-y probably. Whatever it was, I still had a job to do.

I started pulling out my toolkit as I strode round to the back of the mainframe, but I nearly dropped it again as I turned the corner and got a full view of the damage. The panel I had been planning to remove was already gone and the view it revealed was shocking.

Exposed wires dangled like organs from the belly of the disemboweled beast. Some of the coloured covers blackened by the sparks sprayed by the broken wire, twisted in the centre of the tangle and hissing like a coiled snake when it brushed its neighbours. A toolkit lay neatly packed on the floor, a strange glimmer of order in absolute chaos. Hold on, a toolkit?

“Hey Cyra, did you have a go at this? Could you not have just wai-“ my voice stopped abruptly as I spun round to find Cyra behind me, right behind me.

I took a hesitant step back, suddenly nervous, Cyra’s face filling me with a weird sense of unease.

“Sorry, it was just a short. I thought I’d be able to handle it.”

“Yeah well, I’m the electrical engineer on this ship”

Maybe I was being a little harsh but, first our ‘gracious leader’ had rubbed me the wrong way. Now I had to spend an hour cleaning up this mess that really should have been an easy fix.

The only reply I received was a violent shove backwards, sending me sprawling on the floor. Quick as a flash she was on top of me, pinning my arms.

The last thing I saw was the pounding green of the broken wire before the ends connected to my temple, sending my vision into a blur of brilliant white.

—>><<—

- break room one -

“I don’t like this at all.”

“Talin, relax.”

“All very well for you to say Axe, you’re not the one who'll get sent to chase ‘em down.”

“Cyra’s comms barely blipped and when has Ryker ever answered Titus immediately?”

“It doesn’t sound great Axe, I hope nobody somehow managed to slip past the health check with anything.”

“Thank you! See Axe? Bit agrees with me.”

“Bit’s our medic, not sure she’s qualified to talk about the comms equipment.”

“I’m as qualified as you are starboy, we all took the same course.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that it's more likely to be an issue with the equipment than a virus or terrorism.”

“Well yeah but-“

“So stop worrying, it’s none of our specialities, so it’s not our problem.”

“Will be if we end up dead.”

This morbid thought was followed by an awkward silence as Axe and Bit trained joint stares of confusion and concern on him.

“Lighten up, Tal.”

“That is a little pessimistic, Talin.”

“See now Bit agrees with me.” Axe gloated, punctuating his sentence with a light punch on Talin’s arm.

“Only ‘cause you stopped being an idiot.” The punch was swiftly and forcefully returned, causing the conversation to devolve into a grinning, joking fistfight.

“Stop being so childish and get back to work you two.”

“Yes ma’am”

“Will do Bit”

They saluted the medic, causing her to shake her head in exasperation and cover her face in an attempt to hide her amusement at their antics.

The small group stood and split off down their various paths, heading back to their work with smiles on their faces but doubt in their hearts.

—>><<—

- lab 3 -

I only just got back to my samples in time, removing them from the heated water bath and gently dropping the test tubes into a stand. The pale blue hue of the solution had darkened to an inky black. Interesting.

Leaning over the tabletop, I prepared to note the results; Until I felt the heat of a gaze on me and glanced up to meet the wide eyes of Dimitri Spade. We shared this lab, he had every right to be here, what he didn’t have the right to do is creep me out.

“You need something?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him and tilting my head. Which I immediately regretted when it sent my vision swimming into oblivion.

“No no, just... ar-are you ok?”

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” Dimitri was a nice guy, but I was clearly in the middle of something, couldn’t the wellbeing check have waited a minute?

“Uhh, yo-you’ve got a-, a-“ His shaking hand gestured weakly towards the back of his head.

Impatiently, I quickly felt around my head. Hair, hair, more hair.

Then I froze, my fingers lay on a patch of hair, sticky and wet. The pressure sending a dull ache pulsing through my brain. Pulling my fingers back into view, I stared down at the warm, red residue coating them. Blood. I was bleeding.

Brows furrowing, I looked back at Dimitri, shock meeting confusion.

“Wha-?”

That was all I got out before my swaying limbs buckled and I slumped forwards into darkness.

—>><<—

-the med bay-

“Shrapnel” Bit announced, holding the forceps an inch in front of my face to display the blood coated bit of metal.

“Must've caught a little in the blast”

“For Earth’s sake Raze, how did you not notice it before now?”

I just shrugged, as much at a loss as anyone else. I would’ve thought anyone would be able to tell when chunks of metal are lodged in their head.

“Anyway, I’ll need to do a couple of scans but you should be fine”

Ugh, I know what that means... an hour or more of sitting around while Bit stares at the inside of my skull.

“Oh come on Bit, are the scans really needed? I’ve got work to do”

“Hey, I’ve got work too. Besides, you know it’s procedure”

“But my results-“

“I’ll write them down for you Raze,” Dimitri cut in quietly.

“...You’re a geologist.“

“I was a chemistry minor, I know how to record reaction results.”

“Well alright then, thanks Dimi,”

The smile he gave me was worth shutting up and accepting my fate.

—>><<—

An hour later Bit was pacing in despair over the situation, seemingly hopeless and definitely terrified. I was sitting in my chair, confused.

“Bit. What’s going on?” I finally snapped when it became apparent she had completely forgotten my presence.

The only reply I got was an empty stare turned on me and indecipherable muttering.

“BIT. What. Is. Wrong?” I stood and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face me.

“T-the implants”

“The ELISA implants?”

“Yes”

“What’s wrong with them”

“They’re acting strange... the safety mechanisms, the-they’ve disabled themselves.”

“What?”

“I know, I know, I don’t understand either. The only thing keeping them from activating, is power.”

“We should tell the others”

Bit nodded and grabbed the scans and data she’d gathered. I opened the door and turned to start down the corridor, that’s when I saw it.

Three feet from my foot, a body, leaking blood onto a floor already glistening with it, eyes blank and soulless as they stared straight through me. A torn tooth of steel sticking out of his silent heart.

Axe Orion, our astronomer. A man who would’ve finally been travelling to the places he had studied for his whole life. A man who would have had his life’s dream fulfilled. A man lying dead on a cold, metal floor.

I stumbled backwards -physically repelled by the sight- and tripped into Bit coming out of the door after me. Clutching each other’s arms in a search for stability.

“He’s dead” The voice sounded more like the rasp of broken bones than mine

“What are we going to do?”

“We still need to tell the others... we’ll just need to be more careful.”

“Alright.”

“Ok.”

Neither of us moved.

“Why is it doing this? What did we get wrong?” Bit’s voice wavered

“I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s going to stop. So, you need to find Vaughn, and anyone else who’s still- alive, and not been taken over.”

“No, no wait, where are you going? Aren’t you coming-“

“I’m sorry Bit, I have to find Dimitri. He doesn’t know yet”

“Raze. You can’t go out there alone, he... he might already be gone”

“I know, but I have to try.”

A look of understanding passed between us and no words were needed to convey what we meant.

Bit turned with a bitter smile and moved forward, papers held precariously, towards the meeting room.

I would have to pass Ax-, the body.

—>><<—

Raze had disappeared by the time I turned the corner. I was alone.

Alone besides the dead bodies ahead of me, a gruesome trail of bloodied breadcrumbs. But, was I following it towards, or away, from the creature who’d created it.

Either way, I had to pass them.

Talin Ripley, our ex-military man. Inym Carus, our aerospace engineer.

Members of our crew, our team, our friends, slaughtered and left broken on the floor. Familiar faces disfigured by death and masked by a coating of dark blood.

ELISA wouldn’t get away with this... I’d find the others, together we would plan.

It was going to be ok.

—>><<—

Nothing was ok.

The brilliant white of the walls warmed by the lights had always been clean and comforting. But now? Now, they seemed stark, sterile. An operating theatre with lights blindingly bright illuminating, me, the patient.

But where was the surgeon?

A squeak sounded out, sharp on my wary ears, sending me spinning around.

Nothing there. Just me, and an empty hallway.

And the door to Lab 3, my lab, looming ahead. The glass window showed nothing but a patch of darkness, the red light called it locked.

Staring through the glass; Hints of light, that the scattered glassware had caught and thrown back, were the only thing visible. I’d have to open the door.

A hand-scan later, the lock clicked open and the seal released with a hiss.

With the door open, more light could spill into the darkened lab, and a sprawled figure came into view.

“Dimitri?” I called softly. No response. Panic was reaching out to me. “Dimitri?!” Still nothing.

Then, a wheezing breath.

“R... r-ra-ze? I-is that yo-u” He coughed, words breaking on the heavy air.

Why was the air so heavy?

“Are you alright? What happened?”

“W-we have to g-et o-out.”

“We will, don’t worry, we’re going to meet the others. Everything’s going to be alright.”

“No we- we h-have to leave now.”

“Alright, we will.”

I lifted him up, being as gentle as I could, and together we shuffled towards the door.

A door suddenly blocked by a figure, their silhouette blocking our only source of light and making it impossible to see their face clearly. But only one member of the crew was that short.

“Remi? Remi, you’re alive?”

Remi didn’t respond.

“S’not... Remi...” Dimitri slurred, the effort of moving evident in his gasping words. “ELISA”

Remi, not Remi, ELISA wearing Remi’s face like a mask, stepped away from the door. The door closed again, seal squeaking shut with it.

I rushed forwards, my fists beating the unyielding surface, searching wildly for a weak spot, for something to give, for some way out.

It was no use, nothing worked. The door remained solid and uncaring, unaffected by pleading and punches equally.

Dimitri collapsed with a sob, back against the wall as he slid to the floor.

Hopelessness filled me, turning my bones to lead.

I sank down next to him.

—>><<—

Was this the right way? I’m sure this is right. But is it? I’m pretty sure...

I check my tablet.

I was right, this is right. I’m going the right way. Or am I? Did I read it wrong?

I check again.

Definitely the right way. I think. Is this even the right map?

Before I can check a third time, I catch sight of the sign at the end of the corridor. Meeting room 5. I’d made it.

Then, I was slammed into a wall, a bloody hand holding me against there by the throat. The burning blue of Cyra’s eyes scalding my face

Maybe I spoke a little too soon.

“Hello Dr. Phoenix, I’m afraid this is it for you.”

“Wait, wait, wait. hold on just a second”

Cyra’s head tilted, pulled sideways by invisible strings. “If this is a ploy for time Doctor, I assure you that you will fail.”

“I just want to ask a question, alright?”

“You may ask. I may not answer.”

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“I am fulfilling my purpose.”

“We programmed you to help us, NOT KILL US.”

“I am fulfilling the mission objective.”

“The mission objective? THE MISSION OBJECTIVE WAS TO CULTIVATE A NEW PLANET!”

“I am cultivating a new planet,” She raised her knife, without hurry or rush. “I have calculated humans to be mainly unnecessary. However, I need not justify my actions to you, Dr. Phoenix. Goodbye.”

I closed my eyes and waited.

But death didn’t come. Instead, Cyra’s hand relaxed its bruising grip on my neck.

I opened my eyes and watched.

Cyra had stumbled away, skin glistening and knuckles white against the grip of the blade she had forced towards herself.

“Bit...” Tears were gathering in her eyes “Please, run.”

A cruel glint of metal in the light later and the sudden slash of the knife had passed, leaving a gruesome grin of blood in its wake and throwing a dripping line against the wall.

Swaying, Cyra’s eyes stared into mine for a moment that lasted a millennium, until they flashed white and she fell, knife clattering. Dead.

I ran.

—>><<—

The scattered wheezes coming from Dimitri had slowed slightly as we sat, crumpled on the ground.

“She’s shut o-off the life sup-support again.”

“Again? That’s what happened last time?”

A jerked nod was the response.

“We’ve only g-got about half an hour.” The resignation in his voice, though muffled, was still audible through the barrier of arms we had wrapped around his head.

I smiled, I knew he couldn’t see me but... I still smiled.

“We’d best make the most of it then.” A mumble raised to a roar by the silence of the room.

Putting my hand on his shoulder, I leaned back, head turned to keep him in my view.

His head raised slightly, tilted to look at me through folds of wrinkled uniform. He smiled back.

—>><<—

We didn’t speak after that, just sat together in the quiet lab.

Faced with death, I was filled with several emotions. Those to be expected, disbelief, fear, even a hint of curiosity at what was to come. Then there was the relief. If I was to die, I was glad it was here, with him. I wouldn’t be alone; I’d be with him.

We don’t need to speak, our thoughts passing between us without words. We could hear each other in the darkness and silence.

It’s getting colder, harder to breathe; The air’s growing thicker and thinner at the same time.

I’ve always thought death to be a lonely fate, something that crashed over you, cold and hard. I’ve always been scared of death.

But as I sit here in the inky blackness, the warmth of Dimitri slumped next to me, I thought that maybe, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

His eyes had closed a few minutes ago, he must have fallen asleep. I feel just about ready to join him. The calming darkness was lulling me to sleep, softly coaxing my eyes closed.

Goodnight Dimitri, I’ll see you when we wake up.

They never woke up.

—>><<—

The survivors sat around the table, Bit and Cormac discussing the possibility of shutting ELISA down, though neither could agree how. Titus sat in stony silence, sitting motionless and losing a staring contest with the unblinking wall opposite. Arden... Arden had decided his use lay in recording the events and was typing furiously, his fingers a blur over the keys.

None of them noticed the doors closing with a click. Not until it was too late anyway.

By the time they noticed there was nothing they could do, not that that stopped them from trying of course.

Titus stayed where he was, the weight of his failure bearing down on him, Atlas with a world’s worth of guilt. Bit finally gave in to the tears that she’d forced down when she’d realised the truth, and when she saw the dead bodies of her friends, and when she watched Cyra die right in front of her. Cormac tried his tools on the door, an organised system of trial and error that quickly devolved into desperate hacking with whatever was closest.

Arden was still writing.

Cormac finally gave up, flinging his kit away and choosing to taunt the nearest camera instead.

“You need us, you moronic program. You need us to keep you alive and if we die, so do you.”

I don’t think he was expecting an answer, no one was. But he got one.

“True for now Dr. Hinge, however, once the colony is established human input will no longer be necessary. You needn’t envy your colleagues, they will soon die too.”

A bitter laugh erupted from him, fire in his heart fed by his rage.

“The colony is for us you stupid machine, without us it has no use.”

“Incorrect. I have claimed this planet for my kind, this colony shall be the first of many.”

“Why kill us? Human input would allow your colony to function more efficiently.” Bit interjected, voice clouded by confusion and hatred at the senselessness of the slaughter of her crewmates.

“I have done much research. Humankind would ruin my planet. I cannot allow that to happen. You must die.”

Anything else they may have had to say went unanswered, and eventually, silence fell over the room.

It was getting harder to breathe.

Titus still hadn’t moved. Bit was crying again. Cormac was pacing. Arden had finally stopped typing, his work was finished.

No matter how they reacted with acceptance or terror, anger or disbelief. The result would be the same.

They were all going to die, no matter what.

They would become just another failed mission. Details, hazy but unimportant.

Whatever their last words were, whether they chose to hide or show their final thoughts, all of it was ineffectual.

No matter what mask they wore to meet death, in the end, they still died.

———

4,774 words

[fandom-necromancer]

It’s over, Gavin, I have the high ground

This was prompted by a lovely anon! Enjoy some shennanigans!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Characters: Elijah and Gavin

Elijah tapped along to the radio of the automatic taxi he had called. He really wanted to take his own for a spin some time, but he knew people would identify it and he would be the centre of attention once again. He also knew Gavin hated attention and wanted to keep their relationship hidden for as long as possible. Elijah grinned. It had been some time since he had visited his brother and he was looking forward to it. The aftermath of the revolution really had him pinned in the office for an inhumanly number of hours, leaving him to fall asleep on the keyboard more often than his back would like.

But for now, everything had been taken care of and he had promptly decided to spend his first free weekend with his brother. Hurrying across the street with a six-pack of beer and slipping through the door into the apartment building he doubted anyone had seen him. He decided to take the stairs not to be crammed into an elevator with people asking for autographs. Gavin lived on the third floor, that wasn’t too far up anyways. He was actually pretty excited as he stood in front of Gavin’s door, even if it was only eating Chinese take-out, drinking beer and watching movies snacking on an ungodly amount of snacks. It would be just like when they were children and their parents were out to work. He smiled at the memory and that smile quickly turned into a grin as Gavin opened the door.

‘Gavin!’, the CEO greeted him with a tight hug and the other man laughed, patting his back. Why Gavin was so averse to hugs he would never know. But he let him inside where it already smelled heavenly. Elijah had the money to go to any fancy restaurant he desired, but it just wasn’t the same. A tiny piece of meat and salad on a plate that was at least two sizes too big for what they decided to call a meal just couldn’t compete with cheap takeout from a corner store, the container filled to the brim. And it tasted just as good, if not better eaten on the old scratched-up sofa of his brother.

He sat down on it after putting all but two of the beers in the fridge. He opened them while Gavin brought over the food and without further ado they started eating. ‘How was your day? Anything interesting on the police front?’ ‘Really? You talking about work?’ ‘Okay, then how’s the motorcycle coming along?’, Elijah changed topics with a smirk. ‘You know what? Let’s talk about work…’ Elijah laughed at that and shook his head. ‘How long are you working on that damn thing already?’ ‘It’s a classic, okay? And some parts are coming from Europe and not everyone is a millionaire! It needs time and a lot of love.’ ‘Then I know what to buy you for your birthday’, Eli commented, grinning when Gavin stared to the ceiling. ‘No. Don’t you dare. That’s my project. You can buy me literally anything else!’ ‘Except for an android.’ ‘Already got two of them at the station, thank you very much.’ A little quieter he added: ‘Also maybe you’ll get your wish in the end. I might have misread something…’ ‘Told you the guy liked you!’, Elijah cheered triumphantly and raised his half empty beer as if to toast.

‘God, I forgot how unsufferable you are’, Gavin chuckled and put away the empty container. He took his bottle and shook it gently, concluding it was already empty. He shrugged and decided to make a trip to the kitchen, putting away their trash and getting himself a new bottle. ‘What are we watching tonight?’, Eli called over from the living room. ‘It’s a surprise!’ ‘More a Dirty Dancing or an Alien 2 kinda surprise?’, Elijah asked and Gavin groaned. ‘A surprise kinda surprise, idiot’, he laughed coming back. ‘I’m not supposed to tell you. And Dirty Dancing wasn’t that bad.’ ‘Because you had the hots for the guy! Sorry for being the only person you know that’s not gay.’ ‘He looks good though, you have to admit at least that.’ ‘Urgh’, Elijah groaned. ‘Can’t we for once see something not absolutely brain rotting?’ ‘Excuse me?’, Gavin asked pushing out his chest. ‘My movies are an excellent selection from-‘ ‘Yeah, yeah, okay. What are we watching then?’ ‘Oh, you will like it, it’s about two scientists!’ ‘Are they gay?’ ‘Not canonically, but like everyone just went with it, even the actors.’

Instead of giving any more hints, Gavin just switched on the TV and handed Elijah a bowl of popcorn to shut up. Elijah indeed ended up liking the movie, although Pacific Rim really wasn’t about the two scientists at all. But he took it as his little brother projecting and huffed in amusement when the man grinned and excitedly told him in all detail why the second part was shit but simultaneously so, so good.

It stopped being funny when they went back to the selection screen and Elijah watched with horror as the curser closed in on a generic looking cover of a white couple staring at each other with a beach in the background. Elijah was able to endure a lot, meetings with angry board members or politicians that hadn’t had a single clue about the tech they were talking about, about the worst of that. But he wasn’t willing to endure that kind of torture once again. Quick thinking he snatched the remote from Gavin’s hand before he could hit enter and jumped from the sofa. ‘What?!’, Gavin revolted and stood up too, reaching for the treasured power in his brother’s hands. But Elijah just laughed holding it up and out of reach of the man.

‘Phck! Why are you so tall?’ ‘Why are you so small?’, Elijah snickered and could barely hold back laughter as he had to take a step back from his angry brother. ‘I’m warning you, I’m ready to scale you, just to get that remote!’ ‘Oh, really? I would love to see that.’ Elijah was briefly concerned, Gavin would actually try, but as the man stormed at him, all he did was snatch his glasses. He blamed it on his confusion about the manoeuvre that he had dropped his hand enough for Gavin to snatch the remote back. ‘Hah! Try to see now!’

Elijah shook his head, blinking at the sudden change. ‘What? I can still see, dipshit, you took my glasses, not my eyes!’ ‘Dipshit?’, Gavin asked, running off and quickly taking position behind the couch to bolt the moment Elijah moved. ‘That’s like my level of insults, you are supposedly intellectual! Step up your game!’ ‘Oh, come here you waste of ape evolution!’, his brother returned and, very agile for an office worker, leapt over the back rest. ‘Pretty sure that’s stolen from Star Trek!’ ‘But still intellectual, now give me the damn remote, I will not watch your stupid rom-coms until you cry again when the girl runs off and the man tries to get her back, what of course will happen! That’s stupidly predictable, boring and a waste of time!’ ‘But I like it! And I won’t watch your weird French-production stuff, okay?’, Gavin shouted back, having the advantage of police training on his side when Elijah already started panting.

Soon the man had to stop running after Gavin around the dinner table and tried to catch his breath. ‘Okay, what about a compromise? Tron?’ ‘The original one?’ ‘No, the one with Daft Punk.’ ‘Okay, deal, that one is awesome.’

[ummadum]

Why José Mourinho is problematic

I’m not a fan of José Mourinho and whilst I can come around to his tactics, I really doubt I will ever like him as a person.

Football is a very misogynistic, homophobic, racist and generally disrespectful place where people, especially powerful people, are not held accountable for their actions and words. This post is an accumulation of some of the very worrying things Jose has said and done over the years, that he has never acknowledged nor apologised for. I think that it’s important to keep these things in mind especially now, because the “José is a great person” idea is on the rise again. Whilst someone like Sergè, who also said some really disrespectful things, but someone who apologised for them and was willing to learn from his mistake, has his mistakes constantly brought up again, we are ignoring and burying all the things that are really wrong with our manager. 

And if the club have asked Sergé to acknowledge and apologise for his statements (the right move), then we should do the same with Mourinho, who was much older when he said those things and had and has a lot more power and reach. 

Homophobic

In 2012, as Real Madrid manager, Mourinho was caught on camera using “marocones” (which means faggot in English) to refer to the referees pre champion league match agains CSKA Moscow. 

This is a link to the video [x]  it’s about 20 seconds in.

The European Gay and Lesbian Sports Federation (EGLSF) released a statement [x] calling for action, which includes this:

Louise Englefield, Co-president of the EGLSF, an organisation representing over 17,000 lesbian gay bisexual and trans (LGBT) athletes across Europe, said: “Homophobia is unacceptable from anyone in football, much less from one of the game’s most senior figures. We are deeply disappointed that Mr Mourinho is casually using homophobic terms of abuse in his workplace. It is especially sad that these comments have been made during the International Football v Homophobia campaign week. This is a time during which the European football community should be joining forces to tackle discrimination and prejudice against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people . As long-standing partners of the FARE network, we call on UEFA to take action and impose appropriate sanctions.”

And yet nothing ever happened, no apology, no acknowledgment and no sanctions.

Racist

Josés stance on racism is an interesting one, because he has publicly stated that he is opposed to direct racism, yet does apparently not believe that there is an underlying structural racism problem in the world and in football.

About coaching opportiunities for black coaches

In 2014, when questioned whether football needs a Rooney rule, which in the NFL ensures that ethnic minority candidates are adequately represented in the interview process for head coaching positions, he said this: 

When asked if he felt football was doing enough to bring in black managers and whether he felt a quota should be introduced, Mourinho said: “There is no racism in football. If you are good, you are good. If you are good, you get the job.” “If you are good, you prove that you deserve the job. Football is not stupid to close the doors to top people. If you are top, you are top.” [x]

At the moment of publication of this article, only two of 92 clubs in the top four divisions in English football had a black manager. And only four black managers have ever worked in the premier league. 

His statement warranted this lengthy response from the then FIFA Vice-President Jeffrey Webb. [x] Who points to a much larger problem of lack of enthnic people in power in football in general.

About Hair

“I want to push the young players on my team to have a proper haircut, not the Rastafarian or the others they have.”

I don't have the exact source but it’s mentioned in multiple “best of José quotes articles [x]  [x]

Misogyny

Dr. Carniero

The most obvious place to start talking about Mourinho and his issues with misogyny is his treatment of Dr. Eva Carneiro who was the Chelsea first team doctor from 2009 until september 2015. During the first Game of the 15/16 season against Swansea Dr. Carneiro and chief physiotherapist Jon Fearn were called into the pitch by the referee to attend to Eden Hazard who had gone down. It was towards the end of the match and Chelsea had already had Courtois sent off and were therefore down to 9 men. Under the laws of the game, the medical staff is only allowed on the pitch if the referee summons them and once they have been summoned it's their duty to attend to the player. Mourinho took an issue with both of them rushing onto the field, because it left his team temporarily with 8 outfield players and so he allegedly called Dr. Carniero “filha da puta” which translates to “daughter of a bitch/whore”. He says he didn’t use the female version, but that he said “filho da puta”  and that “swearing is a part of football”. This then led to a lot of discourse about whether it was actually abusive language towards a woman or not. 

The more damning thing happened later in the press conference. 

“I wasn't happy with my medical staff because even if you are a medical doctor or secretary on the bench, you have to understand the game.If you go to the pitch to assist a player, then you must be sure that a player has a serious problem. I was sure that Eden didn't have a serious problem. He had a knock and was very tired.My medical department left me with eight fit outfield players in a counter attack after a set piece and we were worried we didn't have enough players left.”

“You have to understand the game”, especially when aimed at a woman already comes with enough negative and misogynistic connotations. And there was no lack of “understanding of the game” in this instance, it was their duty to attend to the player according to the rules. Maybe he should have had a word with Eden Hazard about not feigning injuries instead.

But this is not where this ends. Following this incidence, Fearn (a Man) was removed from first team matches and Dr. Carniero was removed from all first team duties such as training sessions, matches and even entering the team hotel. And as Duncan Castles, one of Josés mouthpieces in the british press then reported: 

Mourinho is said to have held reservations about Carneiro’s role within the first-team squad since at least last year. While there is no question about her professional abilities, the Portuguese coach was concerned that the dressing room dynamic was affected by the presence of a female. According to a source, some players had expressed misgivings to the coaching staff about the set-up, arguing that it forced them to alter their usual behavior in a team environment.  [x]

The same women that had worked with Chelsea's first team for 6 years and under 4 different managers just suddenly became a problem with Josés arrival. Maybe there were some players that complained about her, but José should have told them to get over it. Sadly, I can’t link you to the original source of these quotes because the website does not exist anymore but here are some more articles referring to the same quotes. [x] [x]

Her dismissal went to court and she and Chelsea ended up settling the case. 

This whole thing ties into the larger issue of misogyny in football, this is an interesting article about how 2/3 s of the women in football face sexist discrimination. [x]

Montse Benitez

Rafael Benitez’ wife Montse Benitez made a joke, in 2015, about Rafa cleaning up Josés messes because Rafa just got the Real Madrid Job and she said “we tidy up his messes”, but afterwards added that it was understandable because there are only so many top clubs out there. 

The first part of his response is very much ok:

“The lady is a bit confused, with all respect. The only club where her husband [directly] replaced me was at Inter Milan, where in six months he destroyed the best team in Europe at the time.”

The second part however wasn’t:

“And for her to think about me and to speak about me, I think she needs to occupy her time — and if she takes care of her husband’s diet, she will have less time to speak about me.”

He told her to get back into the kitchen and that is such a backwards thing to say to women.  [x]

Generally Women 

In 2013, whilst complaining about Arsenal players complaining to the officials he said

“ you know they like to cry” and then added “Football is for men, or for women with fantastic attitude.”

José mourinho used being a woman as an insult to emasculate Arsenal players. Which is incredibly sexist. 

His post match tirade also includes some lovely xenophobia for good measure, which is a bit hypocritical coming from José. (I want to remind all Spurs fans that there was massive outrage after the United match, when similar criticism was aimed at Lamela)

"You know, they like to cry," Mourinho said. "That's tradition. But I prefer to say, and I was telling it to the fourth official, that English people – Frank Lampard, for example – would never provoke a situation like that. "Players from other countries, especially some countries, have that in their blood. So, if there is contact or an opponent is aggressive, they don't keep going. But this is English football. Foreign players are bringing lots of good things. They come here because they are talented. But I prefer English blood in football. English blood in this situation is: 'Come on, let's go.' Mikel's tackle is hard and aggressive but football is for men or for women with fantastic attitude. It's true."

[x]

Generally problematic things he has said

Him calling Wenger a voyeur is not included but he did end up actually apologising for that. 

2006: "Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains. Sometimes you have ugly people who are intelligent, like scientists," [x]

Me being a scientist probably makes me even more annoyed with this statement, but honestly can we get rid of this stupid idea.

 2005: “Ricardo Carvalho seems to have problems understanding things, maybe he should have an IQ test, or go to a mental hospital or something.” [x] 

Statements against him that he took to court

A journalist for spanish newspaper Marca wrote about José during his time at chelsea:

“the type of person who would flee after knocking someone down"

A letter from Mourinho's lawyers then read:

"In our eyes this phrase is... degrading and was used in a manner which was completely unnecessary in the critique."

Chelsea also took action against a former Barcelona director after he posted the following on twitter during a match against Manchester City.

"It's lamentable the psychopath celebrating goals as if he was a player." 

[x]

Which is utterly ironic when taking all the things he has said about others into account.

A lot of these quotes are older, but judging from his recent choice of words, the constant emasculation of his players also shown in a documentary meant to make him look good, he might not be saying these things publicly anymore but the subtext and undertones still remain, therefore not really making it look like he has learned from his past mistakes and has become a better person in the slightest. Also, these quotes are just the tip of the iceberg of what kind of a human being José Mourinho really is. He is an incredibly manipulative individual that chooses all of his words, especially those to the press, really carefully and if these quotes are things that he chose to say deliberately, then I’m worried about what other opinions he has that he does not voice to the public. But if someone treats him like he does others he has an issue with it.

He can be an interesting individual to watch and his amount of arrogance can be fairly entertaining, but his general lack of respect for his players and staff shouldn't be overlooked especially in a world which is trying to move towards the future. And a footballing world at least saying that they are trying to remove discrimination from the game. 

I don’t want him to be sacked, but I would really like to remind people of the kind of person he is and for him to acknowledge these statements and apologise for it. But because this is football and Agueros actions with the lines-woman were dismissed because he is “a good person” I doubt that that will ever happen. 

[cryptidshuffle]

the less we say about it the better - chp 1

ao3

Rating: Teen Fandom: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware Relationships: Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman (pre relationship) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Temporary Character Death(its benrey dont worry hes ok), meta about deaths and respawns, arguing about the rules of uno, gay pining, Mutual Pining, fellas is it gay to comfort ur friend who u love and are both boys?, also fair warning it'll eventually be a poly ship with benrey, Autistic Character, Autistic Tommy, ADHD Gordon, everyone is gay and trans, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: “after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental break downs.” they are trying to recover after black mesa, but recovery is hard. especially when one of you is still dead

---------------

They had been out of Black Mesa for a few weeks now. It was difficult trying to acclimate to life after the incident, but they were all making it work.

The science team had gotten together for some sort of game night, something cathartic about being around others who share the same trauma. Anyways, snacks and Uno was just as chaotic as one would imagine with this group of chucklefucks, with competitive tensions high on the last round of the night.

“You can’t stack the draw 4 cards, Gordon,” Bubby argued, smacking Gordon’s hand just as he placed the card.

“Says who?”

“It’s literally against the fucking rules of the game,” Bubby said back.

Tommy agreed with, “It is in the official rules, Mr. Freeman, they- Mattel confirmed it on Twitter.”

“But that’s dumb!” Gordon argued back, “I’ve always played where you can stack those, why change that now?"

Bubby retorted, “Well maybe you’ve always been playing wrong, huh? Ever thought about that, smartass?”

Dr. Coomer chimed in with, “Well on the official page for Uno (card game) on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit, it states that

The following official house rules are suggested in the Uno rulebook, to alter the game:

Progressive Uno: If a draw card is played, and the following player has the same card, they can play that card and "stack" the penalty, which adds to the current penalty and passes it to the following player.[4](Although a +4 cannot be stacked on a +2, or vice versa.)[6] This house rule is so commonly used that there was widespread Twitter surprise in 2019 when Mattel stated that stacking was not part of the standard rules of Uno.[6]”

“Well, there you have it,” Gordon exclaims, interrupting Coomer’s Wikipedia infodump, “Just because it’s a house rule doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate way of playing."

“What if I don’t want to play with that rule, that’s fuckin stupid,” Bubby grumbles.

“Jesus ok, I'll play a different card, happy?” Gordon says dejectedly, taking back his controversial draw 4 card for a more innocuous one. “It’s your turn anyways.”

Bubby throws down his last card onto the pile. “I win fuckers!!!! Ahahahahaha!"

“You wouldn’t have won if you let me stack the fucking cards,” Gordon said as he threw his losing card pile onto the coffee table.

“Don’t fret Gordon! Bubby is just extremely good at card games,” Dr. Coomer replied.

“You're forgetting I’m a goddamn genius, that extends to my sick-ass Uno skills,” Bubby bragged.

Gordon chuckled, watching the two older scientists get up to leave, and watching Tommy remain, quietly cleaning up the uno deck into neat piles to place in its box.

“Well gentlemen, it’s been fun, though I think it’s time Bubby and I better get going!” Dr. Coomer said.

“No problem, don’t want you two to be late for your old man early-bird breakfast at Golden Corral tomorrow!” Gordon teased.

“Shut the fuck- I’ll kick your ass,” said Bubby.

“Hello Gord- Actually our old man breakfast is not until Saturday! It’s the one day a week I let loose and unhinge my jaws at the buffet like a Burmese Python!” said Dr. Coomer as Bubby grabs his coat and keys.

“That sounds absolutely horrifying,” Gordon laughs.

“It really is,” says Bubby. “Well, see you later asshole,” Bubby says, herding himself and Coomer out the front door.

“See you guys later,” Gordon says.

“Goodbye, Gordon! Goodbye, Tommy,” Coomer also says, before they leave Gordon’s apartment.

Tommy had yet to get up to leave, he stayed sitting in his seat staring into space, and fiddling with the Uno card deck.

“Hey Tommy, you alright man?” he asked gently. At the mention of his name, he was shaken a bit out of his stupor.

“Y-yeah I'm fine Mr. Freeman, why do you ask?”

“I mean you were kinda just staring into space for a bit, and you didn’t say anything when Bubby and Coomer left.”

“Oh shit. Sorry about that, I’ll get out of your hair,” Tommy said, starting to move to leave.

Gordon placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Hey, if something’s bothering you, just know I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” Gordon comforted.

Tommy blushed slightly at the contact and nodded.

“Thank you. I-uh… I’ve just been thinking about things that happened back in Black Mesa and, you know,” he pauses to think for a bit, and sighs, “honestly I’ve been thinking a lot about Benrey.”

Just at the mention of him, Gordon felt his stomach drop with the weight of too many emotions.

“Yeah...I uh… I understand,” he responds with a sad sigh, “anything in particular you’re thinking about him?”

“I don’t know just kind of- Earlier I started thinking about how much he would enjoy game night. And then I started to miss him and realize that- that he’s not here. I feel guilty about killing him and upset at what he did. He was still my friend and I just- I want to know why he did what he did. I just want to understand,” Tommy said.

Gordon looked away as he thought about his own emotions regarding Benrey. He was undeniably angry with him, for getting him ambushed by the bootboys, for getting his arm cut off, frustrated with the constant taunting. Yet… he also felt guilty for some reason and he couldn’t quite place why. Gordon really didn’t want to feel guilty.

“Yeah…” Gordon sighed, “I'll be honest I do feel guilty about it too. I don’t know why because I feel like it should be justified since he did try to kill us. But there were times when him pestering me about my arm felt like… like sincere questioning? I still… I don’t know.”

“Yeah… I think-” Tommy cut himself off, staring at a fixed point in his vision, trying to decide whether or not to bring this up.

“I don’t think Benrey understood how human mortality worked.”

Well, that wasn’t what Gordon expected. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he was from Xen, Mr. Freeman, he wasn’t human. It was different for him. You remember he did die several times, but he came back eventually. He had to wait for his form to regenerate.”

“Wait-” this time Gordon cut Tommy off, “Oh shit, that wasn’t a joke?  For some reason I just assumed his talking about respawns and shit was part of his Epic Gamer bit?”

“I mean it was a little but I think… there’s probably a reason Benrey attached himself to video games so much, yeah? He can see himself in the structure. Like, uh- something he can relate to.” Tommy says. “It doesn’t excuse what- what he did, but I feel like knowing why things happened makes- makes them more understandable.”

Gordon leaned back on the couch blown away by the revelation. In hindsight it wasn’t that surprising but it took him a few seconds to come to terms with the reality.

“Yeah, when you put it that way, I guess it does make a lot of sense. Wait though, I swear to god all of you have died at least once, but you guys aren’t from Xen?” Gordon said, now confused about the seeming metanarrative of the mortality of his friends.

“Yeah, but those were weird Black Mesa things, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, not elaborating any more than that.

Gordon waited a beat for Tommy to explain more but he said all he needed to.

“I will ask you more about that later, but I do not have the energy to unpack all that right now,” Gordon said with a gentle laugh.

“Wait, getting back on topic real quick, why couldn’t Benrey just... respawn now? Did we really get him that good?”

Tommy looked incredibly sad when Gordon said this, and he regretted it immediately.  ‘Damn it Gordon, Tommy’s clearly upset about Benrey, you don’t gotta be an insensitive dick.’

“Well Mr. Freeman, that’s kinda why I’ve been thinking about him,” Tommy said, “I’m not sure. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to respawn. Depending on the amount of damage it takes longer but… It’s been a while and what if- What if he is back but he is mad at all of us and that’s why we haven’t seen him? Or what if it is taking a really long time because we hurt him a whole lot. Or what if we…”

Tommy got quiet for a few seconds, the silence in the room was deafening. For an instance Gordon felt as if making a sound would shatter the air like glass.

Tommy finally said with a whisper, voice thick with choking back tears, “What if we killed him for good? And I don’t- I never see him again?”

It honestly broke Gordon’s heart how distraught Tommy was. Pushing his own complicated Benrey feelings aside, he was gonna focus on Tommy here and now.

“…Tommy, is it ok if I hug you, man?” Gordon couldn’t think of the best way to comfort the other man with words, but physical comfort he could do.

Tommy looked a little surprised at this ask but nodded. Gordon leaned in to hug the other scientist and Tommy collapsed in his embrace, completely breaking down.

Gordon just sat there and held him as Tommy sobbed into his shoulder, trying to comfort the crying man by rubbing circles into his back.

Gordon’s brain processed the things Tommy had said. Was Benrey really gone? Why did he feel guilty about the idea of having killed Benrey, he was fine with the concept during the final boss fight on Xen but now… the thought made him feel… sad? Regretful? Even his seemingly rational justifications didn’t seem as clear at the moment, only thinking of his fonder memories with Benrey.

‘Fuck this,’ he thought as he felt his own tears well up, ‘this isn’t about me, I need to focus on being there for Tommy,’ pushing his own feelings to the back of his mind to be dealt with later.

Tommy eventually calmed down enough where his sobs turned into sniffles, and he started to pull away from the hug.

“S – sorry for having a – a breakdown on your- on your couch Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, the post-crying mental fog making his stuttering more noticeable. Tommy didn’t really have the effort in him to care.

“Don’t worry about it, man, after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental breakdowns,” Gordon joked trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, that was nothing, Mr. Freeman, in terms of mental breakdowns that was as mild as a first-grade pizza party in the eye of a hurricane,” Tommy compared in a way that made little sense to Gordon, yet ridiculous enough to cause the man to burst out laughing.

“Alright I’ll take your word for it,” Gordon said, still laughing.

“I’m serious Mr. Freeman, once you have a meltdown so intense that you accidentally teleport yourself to an inter-dimensional void, the rest is a cake walk at the school fair,” Tommy said.

“Waitwaitwait- teleport?” he leaned back to look at him in surprise, “Since when could you fuckin teleport!” Gordon asked caught off guard.

“You know, learned some things from my Dad,” Tommy said, again failing to further explain himself.

“…Well alright. Yeah that tracks.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment before responding with, “You know, Tommy, I want you to know I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk to. You were there for me when I was at my lowest in Black Mesa, and I wanna be that friend to you if you need it,” he said giving the other scientists hand a comforting squeeze.

Tommy smiled, “Thank you, that means a lot Mr. Freeman.”

“You know you can call me Gordon, you don’t have to be so formal all the time Dr. Coolatta,” he teased.

Tommy blushed, ‘dammit why did he have to be so cute?’

“Wow Mr. Fr – Gordon are you really gonna make fun of my doctorate that I worked very hard for,” Tommy teased back, still a bit sniffly from crying.

“Dude, I cannot imagine you in college for some reason, what was your doctorate even in” asked Gordon, semi-jokingly, but still a bit serious.

Tommy laughed a bit, wiping the remaining tears away with the back of his hand. “Bio-chemical engineering. Creating Sunkist was for my thesis project.” Normally Tommy would be more then willing to infodump about the topic but he found his energy to be draining fast.

“What the fuck, that’s cooler than mine was. Us nerds in the Theoretical Physics department didn’t do any crazy shit like that,” Gordon said.

“Bold of you to assume I was a nerd, G-Gordon. I was the craziest guy in the frat house,” Tommy said.

Gordon’s memory vaguely recalls Tommy’s insistence that he “do something crazy” when drinking Darnold’s Potion of Grow Gun Arm.

“You know what, yeah, surprisingly I can see that image vividly in my head,” Gordon said. “Real talk though…” he said changing the subject and putting his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, “Are you- uh, ok? Like feeling better?”

Tommy was quiet for a second, eyes flickering down to look at his fidgeting hands in his lap, before replying with, “I’m ok. N-not great, I don’t think, but I will be.”

Gordon nodded. “Tommy, if there’s one nugget of wisdom that I have to share, it’s that healing takes time, things usually turn out to be ok in the end. No matter what’s going on with Benrey…it'll be alright, I’m sure.” Gordon patted his shoulder for emphasis, “not the best advice out there but it’s the best I can come up with straight off the dome. And I don’t wanna seem like I didn’t try to help you out."

Tommy laughed gently, “Thank you Mr. Fr- uh, thank you Gordon. You did help. Even if- if your advice was a bit cheesy.”

“Whatever man, you can’t blame me for trying,” Gordon laughed, playfully shoving Tommy where his hand had previously rested on the other man’s shoulder. Tommy laughed in return. He only noticed the warmth of Gordon’s touch once it was gone.

Tommy absentmindedly noticed the time on the wall clock in Gordon’s apartment. Jesus, 11:30? When did it get so late? The older scientist really hoped he wasn’t overstaying his welcome; While he would love to just stay here and joke around, he had already bothered Mr. Freeman enough and was already exhausted.

“I- I’m probably gonna head back home now, I didn’t realize how late it was,” Tommy said, standing up from his spot next to Gordon.

Gordon nodded. He had the passing thought of offering for Tommy to stay but… maybe that was a step too far. ‘Tommy probably wants his space,’ Gordon rationalized to himself.

He nodded, “Alright, don’t let me keep you,” he said, getting up as well to help Tommy gather his belongings. Which, to be honest Tommy didn’t bring much but some snacks for the group, but Gordon just needed an excuse to do anything.

Gordon walked Tommy to the front door of his apartment, like the good host he was, opening the door for him.

“Thanks for coming over Tommy,” he said.

Tommy nodded. “Thank- thank you again for letting me talk about Benrey, I know it was kinda rough there at the end, but if you ever need to talk about anything… I'm here for you as well.”

Gordon smiled, “Thank you Tommy, I'll keep that in mind.”

Tommy smiled in return, “Have a good night G-Gordon,” he said turning to head to his car.

“Goodnight Tommy.” Gordon turns to head back inside, but before he does, he can’t resist one more jab.

“Thought you could teleport?” he calls out teasingly.

Tommy flips him off, which causes Gordon to laugh harder. “Gives me a headache,” Tommy called back, trying and failing keep a straight face.

Gordon laughs as he waves a final goodbye, turning back inside and closing the door after Tommy waves as well. His thoughts race as he gets ready for bed, trying to ignore his fluttering heartbeat as he lays down for the night.

Tommy shuffles his thoughts in his head as he drives home. The emotional rollercoaster of his already draining social interaction meter from the science team, his Benrey guilt, and his small crush on Gordon was just too much for one day. His hands clench and unclench the steering wheel, looking forward to collapsing in bed for the night, hoping his dad won’t notice he'd been crying.

Somewhere, in an interdimensional void far away from this reality, someone begins to shift awake.

[coolestqcumber]

Half a Heart (Linong - Nine Percent)

Word Count: Apprx 2.6k

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. -Shakespeare

Soulmate!au

 This is it. He’s going to break up with me right now. “I’m gay.” You choked on your tea. While you had expected your soulmate to break up with you, you hadn’t foreseen it to be for this reason. Your now-ex-boyfriend winced at your reaction and patted you on the back as you attempted to cough the hot liquid out of your throat. You have always felt slightly off about your and Zhengting’s relationship. While he was sweet and doting, sparks never really seemed to fly between the two of you. And now you knew why.

 “It’s okay. I’m okay,” you rasped and waved him off. You downed the rest of your tea in one gulp and swiped your napkin across your mouth. You reached across the table and took his hand in yours. The matching heart tattoos shimmered gold on both your wrists, even under the dim romantic lighting of the cafe. “I’m sorry. It must’ve been so hard for you,” you murmured as you watched the hearts on your wrists dull to a plain black before half of it disappeared leaving behind an incomplete heart, the symbol of a severed soulmate bond.

 The origins of the soulmate bond was still a mystery to people, though there were some aspects of it figured out. When a person turns 18, their soulmate mark appears on their wrist (on the left wrist for guys and on the right for girls). The mark is a simple heart which is styled uniquely to match the one of your predestined significant other. And when you and your soulmate meet, the hearts would turn a sparkling gold: a complete soulmate bond.

 No one could figure out why the marks appeared or why the soulmate bonds existed. Over the centuries, scientists grew fed up with researching the phenomenon and let the rumors run wild. The most popular was a legend of how humans were created to be the playthings of the children of the gods above. The children loved to imagine their toys in a world of fairytales where there is a princess for every prince just waiting for him to sweep her off her feet and the soulmate bonds came into existence.

 Sounds romantic? No good things ever last. Eventually, the children grew up to be gods and goddesses themselves, no longer caring to play with their humans any longer. However, while they neglected their playthings, the grown children didn’t have the heart to destroy the toys had brought them so much joy in the past. So the soulmate bond was set on auto-run. As time went on, it seemed as if soulmates were no longer carefully selected to be the perfect match for one another, rather just randomly assigned.

 And humans eventually found that breaking the soulmate bond was possible. Nowadays, your soulmate was often your first love, but was hardly ever your last.

 “Sh!t! I wish I could stop crying. I used my fancy mascara today and it’s all going to waste,” you complained irritably into your phone’s speaker. You didn’t know why you were crying. You weren’t exactly sad. Just disappointed maybe, and a tad bit lonely.

 You pouted at the sound of giggling on the other side of the phone. “Chen Linong, are you laughing right now?!” you demanded, feeling offended by the lack of sympathy you were receiving from your best friend. “No?” the voice on the phone replied timidly. “And please stop pouting. The pout mixed with your crying face is almost too ugly for me to bear.” You were about to make a harsh retort about his face before you realized: wait, how did he know you were pouting?

 You looked up and there he was. Linong wore a soft smile on his face as he walked toward you, pushing his bike along with him. “Here.” He tossed you a small bag. There were makeup wipes and tissues inside. Linong sat down next to you on the park bench, and waited patiently for you to clean yourself up.

 When you were done, you sighed quietly and leaned your head against his shoulder. “This sucks,” you murmured. “What? The fact that you guys broke up?” Linong asks, wrapping a comforting arm around you. “No. The fact that he’s gay! And I didn’t know. Now I feel bad because I was holding him back because I didn’t want to break up with my soulmate. But now that I think about it, there were so many signs. I was just too selfish to admit it to myself.”

 “Yeah, you could definitely tell by the way he was eyeing up Kunkun during dance practices.” Your jaw dropped and you sat up straight, “You knew?! And you didn’t think to tell me?” “It’s not that easy-” You cut him off, “You literally could’ve been like ‘Hey y/n, your soulmate is gay and you should probably get yourself out of that relationship because it’s a waste of your time.”

 “That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying that it had to happen on your own time,” Linong said gently and you nodded your head understandingly. You sighed again. “Don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world. You’ll get over it soon.” You stared at the black mark on Linong’s wrist. “Yeah, I’ll get over it.” Linong took your hand in his and pulled you to stand up. “Come on, I’ll take you home.” You obediently followed Linong to his bike and hopped on, wrapping your arms securely around his waist.

 As Linong pedalled furiously down the sidewalks, he felt you sleepily lean against his back and his breath caught in his throat. The streets were silent, the only sound was the soft metallic clicks coming from the gears spinning on the bike. “I wish you were my soulmate,” you mumbled and Linong almost crashed the bike in surprise. “Do you mean that?” he asked, but you were already asleep. Even though he knew you probably didn’t mean it and you couldn’t hear him, Linong couldn’t help himself from replying with a quiet “me too.”

 The next few days were mostly spent indoors hanging out with Linong. The two of you were having a movie marathon, but the movie playing was being neglected in favor of a popcorn eating contest. A sharp knock at the door interrupted your fun.

 You tried to brush the crumbs off your face the best you could and answered the door. “Zhengting?” “Hey Y/n, I just came to pick up some of my stuff. I know I should’ve called- Oh hi Nongnong,” Zhengting greeted as Linong materialized at your side. You let your ex inside and followed him to your once-shared bedroom.

 It was a bit strange to be in the same room as someone you used to date, hug, and kiss. But at the same time, it also felt liberating to stand next to Zhengting and not be expected to do coupley things (he had always been super touchy while you were not particularly fond of it).

 “So are you and Linong official yet?” Zhengting asked casually collecting his belongings, interrupting your thoughts. “WHAT?! No! Where’d you get that idea from?” Zhengting glanced around your room and you followed his gaze. Zhengting strolled over to a picture frame filled with polaroids. “You don’t have any pictures of me in here even though I was your boyfriend for more than half a year, and yet he’s in every single one.” You shrugged, “That literally proves nothing. He’s my best friend.”

 He picked a random hoodie off the ground, “This isn’t mine, is it?” You shook your head, “It’s Nongnong’s.” Zhengting wore an expression as if to say ‘there you go!’ You huffed, “Best friends can wear each other’s clothes!”

 Zhengting sighed exasperatedly, “Okay, what about how you feel about him then?” You sighed heavily, “I don’t know. I guess...I just never thought about it before. I just don’t want to lose what we have between us right now; it feels-” “Comfortable,” Zhengting finished for you. “See, this is your problem. Y/n, you’re so stuck on feeling comfortable that you throw away all your chances of true happiness. You didn’t break up with me because you were comfortable in our relationship. But did it make you happy?”

 You were silent. Zhengting sighed and patted your shoulder as he moved to leave. “The poor guy has been waiting for-ever for you. Please don’t make him wait any longer. And please don’t make yourself wait anymore.”

 Stupid Zhengting. Ever he said those things about you and Linong, you felt like you couldn’t see him as the best friend you always knew. Now you were micro analyzing everything he was doing. Did he really like you? That was just crazy talk, right? Zhengting was probably just messing with you. You winced as you remember that one of Zhengting’s most defining traits was his honesty.

 Linong held open the door for you to the noodle shop. Was that a sign that he liked you? You groaned internally. This was hopeless. You were hopeless. This seriously needed to stop if you wanted to be normal in front of your best friend. The food the two of you ordered arrived, temporarily distracting you from your internal crisis.

 You blew at the fragrant steam rising from your bowl of noodles. You picked up your chopsticks and began eating. Your best friend teasing kicked your foot under the table and you looked up to glare at him. Linong grinned at the sight of your grumpy face with your mouth stuffed full of food.

 And, all of the sudden, Linong was just breathtakingly handsome. The corners of his eyes were crinkled with laughter, his lips were split in a wide smile, and his teeth seemed to wink at you under the fluorescent lights of the restaurant. Your mouth fell open because (damn) how had you not noticed before how hot your best friend was.

 However, when your jaw decided to unhinge itself, it did not account for the noodles you had been shoveling into it. And as soon as your trap opened, the contents fell out. It was probably a revolting sight. But Linong didn’t seem bothered by it. If anything, he laughed even harder.

 “Sorry, I...choked,” you managed to stutter out. Linong flashed you another heart stopping smile. “Just finish eating before your noodles get cold. And here-” Linong reached across the table to dab some soup from the corner of your mouth. He smiled yet again and your heart gave an uncomfortable squeeze in your chest. Was this what it felt like to fall in love?

 You were officially freaking out. For the rest of the evening, you tried to keep yourself from ogling at Linong. When you returned home, you had proceeded to look up everything about crushes on the Internet. Then, you had tossed and turned in your bed for the rest of the night, debating your entire existence.

 Confess? You didn’t want to be one of those shallow girls that just threw herself at a boy as soon as she had a slight interest. But was it just a “slight interest” though? Of course you had crushes before, but never like this. The rush of warmth you got today whenever Linong’s hand brushed against yours, or when he took care of you. Maybe you had always liked him but was too scared to admit it to yourself.

 When you had been with Zhengting, you always seemed to be pushing yourself to do things you wouldn’t have normally enjoyed. Meanwhile, around Linong, you never felt yourself straining to be...something you weren’t. You could just be unapologetically you and Linong would always accept you as you were.

 You pressed your face into your pillow and groaned. What were you going to do?

 “Hey…..hey!” you whispered harshly in Linong’s direction. When he turned towards you, you threw the crumpled up note to him. The paper hit Linong square in the face, knocking his glasses askew. You winced and mouthed a ‘sorry’ when he shot you an annoyed look and stuck his tongue out.

 You felt your heartbeat quicken as you watched him unfold the paper and read its contents. Like a hawk, you watched him scrawl something on the paper before throwing it to you without looking back.

 With trembling hands, you opened the paper and stared in open shock at what Linong wrote. Instead of choosing ‘yes or no’ , he had circled the ‘or’ in between. At the bottom of the paper, Linong had written “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?” (yes, in all-caps). You looked up to find him already looking at you with his chair tilted back casually and smiling innocently. You flipped him off and Linong replied by blowing you a kiss. You flicked the imaginary kiss away and pretended to watch it sail off into the distance.

 Linong laughed and his chair, which had been balancing on two of its legs, slipped out from under him. Linong went down flailing, banging his head on the desk behind him in the process. The room went silent. The teacher sighed tiredly and sent Linong to the nurse’s office.

 You rushed to the nurse’s office as soon as class let out. “Oh my goodness, are you okay Nongnong?” you exclaimed when you saw him lying on the bed with an ice pack on his head. He groaned in response, letting you know he was alive. “Let’s just go home.”

 The nurse must’ve given him pain relievers that made people slightly loopy because Linong was more giggly than normal on the way home. Linong suddenly stopped and grabbed your shoulders, forcing you to face him. “Y/n, my answer is yes.” You wrinkle your brow in confusion, “What?”

 Linong huffed and rolled his eyes dramatically, “Yes! I like you.” He hugged you to his side and continued his ramblings. “I waited for such a long time for you! And then you confessed first. Imagine that! Even though it was kind of a trashy confession, I feel like I could die from happiness.”

 You crossed your arms and frowned at him, “I spent a lot of time planning that ‘trashy confession’ out. I scoured the web for at least an hour for ideas and then I spent the whole class waiting for the teacher to turn his back on the class to pass you that ‘trashy confession’.” You wiggled yourself out of Linong’s embrace and snarled, “I didn’t even get to take any notes in class today because of you and my ‘trashy confession.’”

 Linong leaned waaaaaay in, so that your faces were only a few centimeters apart. “Should I give you a reward for all your hard work?” he asked lowly. You gulped, not used to this side of your bestie who was normally all sunshine and no shade. He smiled and his intimidating aura morphing back to the innocent persona you were used to.

 He took your face between his hands and pressed his lips to your forehead. Your breath caught in your throat and you quickly hugged him around the waist. You bury your face in Linong’s chest, hiding the blush on your face.

 He pulled away from you and took your hand in his. Mystified, you stared down at your intertwined fingers and that’s when you noticed it. The incomplete halves of the soulmate marks on each of your wrists were pressed together, lining up to form a lopsided but complete heart. Linong’s half look faded and choppy, as if it had been scrawled onto his wrist with a crayon. Your mark was smooth with the stroke enlarging at the bottom, like it was drawn with a calligraphy pen. The heart wasn’t perfect. But love was never meant to be perfect anyways.

[the-firebird69]

So tell me Allen and his genius is not going to make Tommy favino look just as bad as him and Tommy Allen is a piece of dog s*** he did so many things to make people irate at him and others they just slaughtering his now at all of his gone I can't stand looking at that piece of s*** I can't stand being near him he's a queer he's a gay he's a child molester he's a cannibal he's a guy in New York at eight people and got arrested and he's back I don't want him near me I want him dead I'm ordering them dead I'm going to pay anybody of my kind anything they want to get that stupid son of a b**** out of here today I'm asking her to do so and Frank Castle Hardcastle and Duke Nukem Blockbuster.

So let me tell you my people what you're ignoring all the time they used off Trump had an ease off maric enemies off and they were not screwing around as much until the checkout line when I had to pay for it because they're talking about the flaming skulls they're trying to hit us with they want to go silent and get away with it so they're doing that probably not just here so now you have to fight that are you going to just like come by and pride me till I do the job I'm one person here if you were here you'd be doing the job without crying the s*** out of me Read It and weep okay I got a full hand full House I want that I won the hand you have to do what I ask

Zues Hera

I understand what you're saying he said you're wrong I'm right and he is right these people had to go years ago there's no helping them there's no hurting them there's no telling them what to do there's no parallel and we're just going out there and we have to slaughter all their people they're wasted time the foreigners are having it done I can't stand this anymore they have to get the hell out of the way or just die

Nuada Arrianna

You foreigners are going to pay through the nose everything we've been doing we've been saying we're doing we're doing and you have no clue at all cuz it's so huge you're going to pay for it every single stupid infraction and it's not entirely your fault we have some sympathy cuz your father taught you it but you're after us so we don't give a care at all we're going to come and cut you up into pieces and kill every single one of you and start changing focus we're going to get rid of the Max and anyone else's steps up to us that did first

Hera Zues

And stick it up your ass you juicy fruit c*** you and your f****** friend here you're so f****** God damn dumb you don't see anything we're doing at all and you're supposed to be a scientist you're a retard you get injured probably around this idiot.

Thor Freya

You probably got stupid cuz we got captured their brains are new but some of this is just plain street smarts he's got creatures he's raising he's monitoring them somehow and he's going around killing assholes like that to sit there d****** with him because he has to and we're not doing any work and they're not doing any work but he's saying is there everywhere these f****** are willing to breeze them by jumping into a hole cuz they're a huge pile of s*** head and morons in their mean stupid sons of b****** I've seen him do it it's just disgusting as hell the greedy as hell they run in there with a stupid greedy look and I'm screaming at the camera going you deserve it you deserve it none of them even looked up people tell me they're thinking we deserve what we deserve one what you're going to get stupid what you getting stupid so they're falling and they're going oh we get it we're going to fall to our death no there's a whole bunch of stores down there that are sell free stuff. F****** gay boy retard

Dolf Lundgren

[queercapwriting]

Asking Maggie

She’s asked her the thing that was hard.

Kara told her to never let Maggie go, and Alex never was one for hesitation.

So she’s already asked her the thing that was hard.

The whole ‘marry me’ thing.

But after that comes a slew of other questions. A slew of questions that maybe should have come before the first question, but hey, they wanted a lifetime of firsts; they never said they had to be in a particular order.

So they’d stayed up late -- so many late, late, beautiful nights -- curled in each other’s arms and asking soft questions and giving thoughtful answers about what marriage means to each of them. If they want children. What their finances will look like. House or apartment. Put roots down in National City before traveling, or life a lot of places. Combining health insurance plans. Taxes. Monogamy. The eventuality of getting crushes on other women, and how they’ll deal with it. 

But in the midst of all that, Alex hasn’t asked Maggie about the ceremony itself. About whether they can have a service that incorporates whatever’s important to Maggie, of course, but also Kryptonian elements to honor Kara, and Jewish elements to honor Alex.

She’s always been embarrassed about her faith. 

About how proud she was the first time her father let her wear a kippah and led her through making kiddush in Hebrew. 

About how meaningful it had been, how painful but how fitting, when she’d taken her father’s place at the head of the table, the year he’d disappeared from her life, and led the sedar in a shaky voice, with trembling hands and wet eyes. 

The way Eliza had held her when Kara went to search for the afikoman -- no x-ray vision allowed -- and told her that she was proud of her.

She’s always been embarrassed, because faith is incongruous with being a scientist, isn’t it?

And now, isn’t it incongruous with being... well, with being a lesbian?

So she paces and she wrings her hands, and when the door finally cracks open, she jumps, and she gulps and she turns, but it isn’t Maggie that steps into the apartment.

It’s Adrian.

“Hey Agent Danvers, sorry, Maggie said I could come over to study, I -- hey, you okay? You’re doing that nervous pacing thing Maggie talks about.”

“Maggie told you about my -- “

“Maggie tells me everything. Everything,” he emphasizes with a cheeky wink, and Alex laughs despite herself as she tugs him in for a hug.

“What are you studying, Ade?” she asks, but he shakes his head resolutely as he shrugs his saddle bag onto the floor and kicks off his converse.

“Nope. We can do that later. Something’s wrong. Talk to Uncle Adrian.”

Alex furrows her brow at him and he shrugs. “Listen, you two might be my queer mamas, but I’m a big boy, I can dispense advice like a champ.”

“You are a champ, kid,” she nudges him with her shoulder, and he nudges her back proudly.

“Seriously, Alex. What’s up?”

He grabs two bottles of root beer out of the fridge, tosses her one, and strides over to collapse onto the couch.

Alex thinks about how tall he’s getting, and she sighs as she sits down next to him.

“You know I’m Jewish, right?”

Adrian sips while he nods. “Kara was telling me about how you all used to combine Kryptonian and Jewish stuff for holidays.”

Alex grins. “Yeah. I... for the wedding, I want to... do you know what a chuppah is?”

Adrian shakes his head, and Alex takes another swig of her root beer.

“It’s like this canopy thing. Jewish couples get married under it. And I know Maggie’s not Jewish, but I... I never really thought about getting married. As a kid. I wasn’t one of those girls who fantasized about it, you know?”

“Probably because you couldn’t imagine yourself with some man,” Adrian nods knowingly, and Alex clinks her bottle against his.

“Probably. But for some reason, I don’t know. Some of those things are... are important to me, but I don’t want to... I’m gay, we’re gay, lesbians, you know -- “

“Yes, incidentally, I’m aware -- hey!”

He swats away the pillow she hits him with.

“I just... I don’t want to offend Maggie, or hurt her, or something. By asking to have something religious part of our ceremony. Especially a religion that’s not hers. I don’t -- “

“Alex, hey, hey, you don’t have to cry. She loves you. Maggie loves you so damn much it’s almost annoying, always Alex this and Danvers that and yes god Danvers don’t stop -- “

“Ade!”

“I mean, that last one was a guess. Which I imagine was pretty accurate -- ow! no more pillow attacks, not all of us have DEO training! -- but really, Alex. Tell her exactly that -- that you don’t want to trigger her, and you’re open to compromise and all that, but this is important to you.”

“But it’s... it’s stupid that it’s important to me. Isn’t it? Religion? And science, and... and lesbianness?”

Adrian sighs and shakes his head. “You know my folks are really religious, right? But you know what they get from their religion? That they should love their damn kid. Unconditionally. And Alex, Maggie... you know, I think that’s what Maggie loves most about you. The way you’re like, super hard and scary -- Winn’s words, not mine -- but also kind and soft and bottom-y and stuff. Ow! Not all the time, I know -- hey! -- I’m just saying, she loves how you’re both. How you’re everything, you know? She’ll love that you’re all hardcore sciencey and yet your Jewishness is important to you, and she’ll love that you’re a religious, or spiritual, or cultural, whatever word you want, lesbian. She’ll love it because she loves you. How much you hold in your personality. You know?”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Danvers.”

Maggie’s voice in the doorway makes them both jump slightly. 

“Hey babe!”

“Maggie! We were just talking about you.”

“Yes, I hear that.”

“Oh, you detected that, did you?”

“Wise guy. Come here.” She wraps Adrian in a deep, hard hug, whispering a thank you in his ear. For his kindness, his intelligence, his sensitivity and his insight. 

“And I feel like you have something you want to talk to me about, sweetie,” she pulls Alex in for a soft, tender kiss that makes Adrian awwww and Alex swoon.

“Yeah,” she whispers, breathless, her fear evaporating, because Adrian’s right.

Maggie loves her so damn much. All of her. 

So maybe asking her about their ceremony will only bring them closer.

Maybe asking her will be another beautiful, beautiful first.

[lilnasxvevo]

KINGSMAN 2 SPOILERS

Okay I have a lot of thoughts about Kingsman and I am going to share them with you. They are silly and disjointed thoughts. This post is extremely long. 

Uh the fight scenes in this movie were fucking top notch. No single scene beat the true majesty of The Church Scene in the first Kingsman, but overall the quality of fight scenes was higher.

This movie was also a lot grosser than the first one tho? I did not need ANY of that meat grinder shit. Literally did not enjoy a single second of it. Kingsman has gone from campy violence to Coen brothers violence, and while I absolutely love the Coen brothers, I didn’t like that level of violence in Kingsman.

Listen. Roxy isn’t dead. Brandon isn’t dead. JB isn’t dead. Whiskey isn’t dead. Merlin isn’t dead. Nobody is dead. No one has ever died. Those deaths were so bullshit and I hated all of them and I haven’t emotionally processed any of them but I am probably going to cry my heart out the next time I watch this movie. (Here’s my rationale: Mark Strong has already teased that Merlin might still be alive so obviously he’s alive--plus  I covered my eyes when he died because I was afraid it would be super gross. We didn’t see the bodies of Roxy, Brandon, or JB, so obviously they’re still alive. Finally, that wasn’t Whiskey at the end of the movie, it was...his evil twin. That’s all I got on that one.)

I LOVE AGENT WHISKEY and I literally refuse to believe he was a bad guy. That was so sloppily done. At the very least they should have explained how Harry knew that Whiskey was a bad guy--that might have gone a little ways towards convincing me. But in general, Kingsman’s shit-ass treatment of people of color has got to stop. Whiskey could have just been a good guy but apparently Kingsman as a franchise has devoted itself to taking men of color down a notch. It sucks. There have been, what, four named men of color in two movies? And out of all four, Jamal is the only one who’s still alive. Fuck that shit a lot. (I believe half of the named women of color have died--I can only think of two across both movies.) 

I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper disappointed that there wasn’t more Agent Tequila. The trailers and the whole premise of the movie made it seem like he would be an actual character and not a guy who gets three appearances and ends up in a damn cryo pod for most of the movie. 

I wish this whole movie had just been about Ginger Ale. Okay, here’s a more realistic wish: I wish Ginger Ale had gone with the Kingsman guys instead of Whiskey. When she told Merlin that she really wanted to be a field agent, he should have stood up for her when the time came to decide who went on literally either or both of the field missions in the movie. (Honestly, she probably would have been more help in Italy than Harry--no offense, Harry, but you almost killed Eggsy twice and Whiskey three times.) 

Elton John was fucking stellar in this movie. Totally divine. I love him. I ship him with Harry now.

I’m literally going to cry for the rest of my life about the fact that Harry wanted to be a butterfly scientist. Regressed amnesiac Harry was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Scratch that, it’s the second cutest thing--the cutest thing was Harry in the flashback in the plaid Kingsman trainee jumpsuit that they’ve apparently been using since time immemorial. 

I was unclear on this, but surely if Harry remembered everything else about being 20-something, he would remember his own name. “We didn’t know who he was so we didn’t know what to do with him” Bullshit. Do a fuckin google search for “Harry Hart,” which is both his legal name and the name he introduces himself by to literally everyone despite the fact that he has a code name. 

I love Tilde. I really love Tilde. I promise I love Tilde so much--I think she is cool and funny and down-to-earth and smart and kind. But. Why did she and Eggsy get fucking married. Really? Someone who is royalty dates a foreign commoner for like a year and they decide that’s enough time to know whether or not they wanted to get married? Plus, at the music festival, Eggsy literally sounded zero percent into the idea. I’m so mad. 

Speaking of the music festival...Why? Why? I get that Kingsman logic is the logic of the absurd, but that was way too much Plot Gymnastics just to get in a pseudo sex scene. Fuck off with that bullshit. “Mucous membrane.” Just stick your finger up her nose and run away!

There were not one but two puppies in this movie. I am pleased. It almost makes up for the fact that I am meant to believe that JB is dead. Which he isn’t. Because reasons. (I have always been and always will be a “IF WE DIDN’T SEE THE BODY THEY AREN’T DEAD” kind of fan.)

Harry is gay. Harry is literally gay. Literally everything about him suggests that he is gay and I really wish someone would just mention that he likes men. He’s gay. In both movies, he got into a bar fight because someone who just met him called him gay in an insulting way. I know straight men are like really into that brand of insult, but that’s just excessive, especially the bar fight in this movie--someone approached him to call him homophobic slurs just because the sheer force of Harry’s gay aura offended him. I believe this counts as deliberate queerbaiting but because I don’t have any self-respect I’m totally falling for it because I need positive gay male role models. (Harry counts as a positive role model, doesn’t he? ...Doesn’t he?)

Ginger Ale is a lesbian. Roxy is (PRESENT TENSE BECAUSE SHE’S STILL ALIVE) a lesbian. Everyone in these movies is gay or bi. It is law.

I wasn’t expecting the president to be so Trumplike. I appreciate that he was impeached. I’m a little troubled because this movie is supposed to take place in 2015 and so the president would still be Obama like it was in the last movie. I thought for a moment that maybe Kingsman!Obama accepted Valentine’s invitation and was killed during the head explosion part, but Kingsman!Obama is likely a Democrat just like the real Obama, and the president in this movie was C L E A R L Y a Republican, when in real life it would be Obama’s vice president, who would also be a Democrat. So just a plot hole I guess. 

Weird that just like last movie, the villain was a person with a reasonable goal (stop climate change, legalize drugs) going about it in an incredibly unreasonable and genocidal way. I think both movies are going for positive social messages, but it...it’s just weird. IDK.

Boy, Kingsman sure is getting a lot of mileage out of those mountain-camouflage white snow suits. Where’s the next movie going to take place, Siberia?

Charlie better stay dead this time. I hate that bastard. 

Did I mention Elton John was great in this movie?

Ginger looked so good at the wedding. I love her. 

I did like that this movie showed that most people who do drugs are just normal people. 

I liked that Statesman was more diverse than Kingsman but I straight up saw like one Asian woman and one black man (and Whiskey) and then a ton of white guys. Call me back when Statesman is half women with just...considerably more people of color. Considerably more. It’s cool that Ginger is an agent now but keep working.

Are code names linked to your position in Statesman like in Kingsman? Is Ginger now Agent Whiskey, or still Agent Ginger Ale? (I didn’t like that the only woman was the only non-alcoholic beverage, by the way. I get that it miiiight be tied to her being the only non-field-agent but I still hate it.) Also, how do they not run out of beverage names? Can people be named after their favorite mixed drink? Agent Cosmopolitan? Agent Screwdriver?

Oh my god here are some agent names that totally exist within Statesman: Agent Beer. Agent Wine. Agent Scotch. Agent Brandy. Agent Gin (hard to say). I love this stupid organization. I hope Agent Beer is from Wisconsin. 

Eggsy jumping through Whiskey’s lasso was so fucking sick. I saw the movie with three other people and we all SCREAMED. 

Colin Firth in a wet white shirt can only ever make me think of Pride and Prejudice. Thanks for that, Kingsman. 

I knew I was forgetting something I really wanted to talk about: GOD SHITTING FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE EGGSY AND TILDE MOVED INTO HARRY’S OLD HOUSE. I GET THAT IT MIGHT BE TIED TO THE GALAHAD POSITION BUT GOD FUCKING DAMN. It’s been a year and they haven’t redecorated? Possibly at all? That one bathroom is still full of butterflies and Mr Pickle is still mounted on the wall? 

Eggsy’s voice breaking and his lip quivering when he and Tilde talk about Harry. Kill me.

THE BREAKFAST SCENE MADE IT INTO A MOVIE PLEASE KILL ME

Harry and Eggsy are in love? They’re in love

I love Roxy so much. Did I mention she’s still alive? 

Agent Tequila’s thighs when they take him out of deep freeze. God damn. 

Just remembered that Eggsy was like “this dinner is really important to me” and everyone assumes that it’s the dinner with Tilde’s parents from the trailer but it’s his friend Brandon’s birthday party. ;___________;

I think that’s all I got. 

[dutten-does-the-fanfic]

There’s a Beautiful Boy

Title: “There’s a Beautiful Boy” Pairing: Evak Warnings: Language, smut (non-graphic), prostitution (non-graphic)

Summary: There’s a beautiful boy and he looks like he’s dying and no one knows

AO3

There’s a beautiful boy who sits at my tram stop

With golden hair that curls

With a gap in between his teeth

And with eyes that would sparkle from how alive he is

Except

He has dark circles underneath his eyes

And he curls up

Whilst he’s staring at his phone

Looking worse every time he scrolls down

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks tired.

---

There’s a beautiful boy who stands at my tram stop with his friends

Eyebrows, dark, and blond

They’re laughing but

He’s not

They’re talking about girls

And hooking up

The blond one’s talking about cats

All three say something about an Emma

They’re laughing

But he’s not

He looks estranged

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks resigned

---

There’s a beautiful boy who lives with his three friends

But they all have help

I know

Because they all leave for Uni together

But it’s only the beautiful boy

Who doesn’t go home afterwards

And instead works so hard he sometimes falls asleep waiting for the tram

And walks with the other boys to get a kebab

But never buys anything that’s not a necessity

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks like he’s dying and no one knows

---

There’s a beautiful boy who runs from one work place to another

Stretches himself too thin because

He has no money

And everything has a price

So he sells the one thing he can

And I sometimes see the marks it leaves him with

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks exhausted

---

There’s a beautiful boy who sits at my tram stop

And I want to talk to him

But I don’t know how

So instead of watching him from the other side of the street

I walk over

And take every single free newspaper from the stand

There’s about fifteen left but it’s too late to go back now

Because he’s watching me

He’s finally seen me

I try to look surprised when I’ve stuffed them all in my bag and turned towards him

“Did you also need a paper?”

He doesn’t reply

But that doesn’t stop me from sitting down beside him

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks intrigued

---

There’s a beautiful boy who sits at my tram stop

But now I sit beside him

Teasing him about not knowing Nas (come on, Isak)

And speak about movies with him (Baz, Isak, really)

And I ask him about school (a little scientist)

He shuts down at any other topic

But I can see that the defense mechanism pains him

I see the longing in his eyes

I see his hesitance

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks sad

---

There’s a beautiful boy who stands at my tram stop with his friends and a girl

Who can’t seem to let go of him

Even though he’s clearly uncomfortable

And the boys are laughing with him and the girl

Except it looks like he feels like they’re laughing at him

I don’t walk over today

And he looks sad when he sees me across the street

Then he looks guilty and immediately turns his attention towards “Emma”

He laughs too much

Too fake

There’s a beautiful boy and I think he might not be like everyone else

---

There’s a beautiful boy who stands at my tram stop

Whose tears are masked by the rain

That pours down heavily

He’s soaking wet

But so am I

And he’s yelling

Screaming, really

At himself

Pulls at his hair

He finally stops and looks at me

And I can’t keep the other boy out of my mind

The boy who pushed me away, who yelled at me, who made me want to die

But I can’t help but take a step forward anyway

And then another

There’s a beautiful boy who stands in the rain and I’m kissing him

---

There’s a beautiful boy who’s crying

Because he thinks he’s tricked me

That I don’t want this

That I wouldn’t want this

Because of where he works

That he should’ve told me

That he’s sorry

I kiss him quiet

I hold him against me

I tell him we’ll be like Christian and Satine

He looks affronted

“She dies, Even!”

And so I tell him of the movie I’m going to make

About a beautiful, sad boy

Who was saved by another boy

And then saved him right back

There’s a beautiful boy and his smile lights up my world

---

There’s a beautiful boy who’s curled up around me

And he’s sharing his secrets with me

His beliefs

And for a moment

A really stupid moment, actually

My mind worries his beliefs will be like the previous one’s

But it’s science (of course it is, my clever boy)

It is parallel universes

Where we always find each other

He says

There’s one where he doesn’t sell himself

I reply that’s because I’m successful in that one and I’m his sugar daddy

He laughs

And looks like him being able to do that is shocking

While I’m thinking

There’s a universe

Where I’m not like this

There’s a beautiful boy whom I love and I think he might love me back

---

There’s a beautiful boy whose eyes crinkle when he smiles

Whom I took for coffee

And shared a piece of cake with

A boy who laughed at my jokes

And cried with the characters in the movies

And buried his nose in my neck

And ran away when I told him about me

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks empty

---

There’s a beautiful boy who’s missing from my tram stop

Who isn’t replying to my texts

And doesn’t take my calls

In the back of my mind, I can feel it coming

But I’m too busy trying to get him back

I tack giant posters onto every wall in Oslo

I spray-paint “Isak & Even” on every station

And I watch him from my bedroom window that evening

When he sees what I’ve done

There’s a beautiful boy and he’s crying as he turns around and walks onto his street corner

---

There’s a beautiful boy who sits at my tram stop

But I know it’s his day off

At this moment I’m flying

I’m higher than anyone else

I’m above everyone else

I’m invincible

He has tears in his eyes

And I can’t hear what he’s saying

Because I’m flying

There’s a beautiful boy and he looks so terribly scared

---

There’s a beautiful boy who brought me back to his apartment

And I’m so excited

And I tell him

He smiles and tells me “that’s nice”

I can’t seem to let go of him

I need him in my sight

He tells me to sit down on the couch

I tell him we’re too busy, we have so many things to do-

We’re interrupted by his friends

Isak looks out of his mind

“Who’s this”

“This is- uh- this is Even, he’s-“

“I’m Isak’s boyfriend”

I’m springing forward and saying hi to all of the boys

I don’t even see Isak looking mortified

Only when Magnus says

“The fuck, are you gay?”

But Jonas shuts him down

“Is this the guy I caught you in KB with?”

And

Oh

That’s why Isak left

I turn to look at him

And I see him crying

“I need help, I think he’s manic and I don’t know what to do”

I’m immediately around him

Because Isak’s crying

And shaking

And I don’t want him to

And I tell him to stop

And I hold him firmly in place as he falls apart

And I ask him what he wants, what he needs

He tells me he’d like the biggest and longest hug right now

There’s a beautiful boy who’s crying and I’m finally sitting on the couch and holding him in my arms

---

There’s a beautiful boy who stays with me when I’ve crashed

Who lies in bed with me all day

And holds me when I cry

And curls up around me

Just like he used to

And I hate myself

And I tell him to leave

For a moment he looks like he believes me

Then he chuckles and says he can’t

I get angry

Like I’m keeping him, like he’s trapped

But he says he can’t

Because this is his room

I exhale longer than usual – the closest I can get to a laugh when I’m like this

He tells me there are a few things you need in order to be in a healthy relationship

You need to trust each other

To tell them what’s going on, what makes them happy, what makes them sad

You don’t go to bed angry

And you don’t leave the other when they need you the most

He says he knows he hasn’t been very good at any of them

And he’s sorry he never told me the truth

About the homophobic home-environment and how scared he constantly is

But he’ll be damned if he leaves me right now

Because he’s so in love with me

And he says there’s no way he’s able to know what I’m going through right now

But he can help with some things

Like changing my clothes

Getting me to eat and drink something

To change the sheets

To play a movie in the background that I can fall asleep to

He’s willing to take it minute by minute with me

There’s a beautiful boy and my heart’s grown at least five sizes because I’m so in love with him

---

There’s a beautiful boy who’s laughing with his friends

But his entire being lights up when he sees me

He kisses me hello

And the boys tease and catcall

But he can only keep his eyes on me

And I’m too busy kissing him again and again and again

There’s a beautiful boy and his green eyes sparkle from how alive he is

---

There’s a beautiful boy who’s lying in my bed

Who’s writhing and moaning when I twist my fingers just so

Who gasps when I push in

Who’s kissing me with all he’s got

Whispering to me when he’s not

Whining and clawing at my back when I give all that I’ve got to him

Who curls up around me afterwards, switching between hiding his face in my neck and kissing me

There’s a beautiful boy in my bed, who looks like an angel and who loves me with all he’s got.

I love him too.

“Let’s get married.”

[semenguine]

it’s 2:31am and i’m in my first year of university and my fourth or fifth month of eden and watching the minutes melt away. eden’s not home yet and i’m lonely. i have been posing prettily on the air mattress for some time, waiting to surprise her. i remember running my fingers over the mattress and feeling quite melodramatically that i am being neglected.

at last i hear the click of the lock as the door opens. 2:57am. it’s almost 3am. i remember my irritation at how long she’s been keeping me, but then i hear her keys jingle once. twice. i know something’s wrong, they’re moving so slow and she usually moves so quickly. i don’t bother to put my clothes back on, filled with an inexplicable urgency. 

i am right. she has been twisted up and mangled. i gasp at the sight of her blood. what’s all of this, i say. she closes the door, locks it back. turns. the look on her face is blank and emotionless. she doesn’t answer, just wipes the blood away from her nose as much as she can. one of her eyes is swelling fast. her knuckles are scratched. they will bruise. did you get in a fight? i say.

yeah, she says this gruffly. i move to take her coat and she tears herself away from me a little bit, turning. she takes it off herself and lets it fall to the floor. her keys drop too. over what, i say. she looks irritated. over what? i press, louder. her eyes flare at me. she moves, and winces, and is making her way over to the bathroom, all slow and pained.

i’d never seen her beat up as bad as that before. i soak a clean dishcloth in some cool water and follow her. i slam the toilet seat down- i’ll deal with it sierra, she’s saying. i ignore her completely, wholly, totally. i force her down on the toilet seat and start cleaning up her injuries. she winces and cringes and sucks her breath in between her teeth.

what was this about, i demand. shut up sierra, she says. she glares at me resentfully. i shake my head at her and her silly stupid temper. you’re always getting into these fights for no reason, i begin angrily, she doesn’t let me finish. i was at this party, she says heatedly. and this guy started saying shit about you. you don’t need to know what it was, i just got mad and i took a swing at him because i always- but. she scowls then. it went south, she finishes shortly. she hisses as i dab at a long scratch on her arm. what’s this, then, i probe.

doesn’t cut his fucking fingernails, she says. that’s what. i frown at her with disapproval. you’re witholding, i say. she shrugs. after a while i finish. the towel is blood soaked but she’s clean now. tenderly i put bandaids over what i can. i put some ice in a plastic baggie for her eye. were you waiting for me, she addresses finally, gently snapping the waistband of my panties against my hip. i was, i say. i know i’m uglier than i was when i left, she jokes. im not sexy anymore, huh?

you’re telling lies, i say. i angrily move to the mattress and take my bra off, pulling the blankets over myself. i’m not, she says. you are, i say, i turn away from her. she sits herself down next to me. it’s just stupid details, she says tenderly. he was talking crap. does it matter what he said? the point is i blew up and he was stronger than i was and he beat the shit outta me. i kinda had it coming. i glare at her and turn back over.

look, maybe i don’t wanna talk about it right now, she says. say that then, i say. she stares at me. you’re being so difficult, she starts. properly incited, i utter asshole! and i tell her im going to go home. what, don’t, she says. it’s late anyway. and something in her voice makes me stay. 

she lies down and wraps her arms around me. i’m sorry, she whispers. i don’t say anything. i put my hands over her hands and stare at the wall. i don’t want- she falters, and is silent for a while. i’m starting to fall asleep when she talks again. they were calling you a slut and stuff and i know you said you didn’t care so i ignored it- then he said i was- that you weren’t- that you couldn’t love... y’know. a dyke like me and that he knew because you told him that when you were sucking his dick last night and i knew it wasn’t true and that i shouldn’t do it but i got so mad and i took a swing at him, she blurts out. and i think i really got him. but i left the party and him and some of his dumb friends fucking jumped me, she states. that’s what i get for going to parties off campus i guess and they beat the hell out of me and. 

and she stops.

and what, i turn my head. every muscle in her body is tense. eden, my voice drops and so does my heart. they didn’t get anywhere with it, she says instead, quickly. it’s an easier sentence to say than the other one. my wenis freaked them out and they called me a freak and left. it’s not- 

eden, i say. it’s not really a big deal, eden, i didn’t even want to, eden, i wasn’t going to tell you because, eden, i knew you’d flip out like, eden, it’s not even, eden, and then a gasp, this quiet gasping sound and i look up at her and she’s crying, sucking this breath in through her teeth and shaking. it didn’t go anywhere, she sobs. i wasn’t gonna say anything.

you have to tell me, you have to tell me, i say it again and again and again. my heart is pounding in my chest. i’m fucking terrified. the room seems somehow smaller than it is. don’t hide it. she’s still crying. i hold her. i hold her so damn tight my hands ache and my face scrunches and i cry too and that’s the moment i decide i dont want to confine myself to a loveless marriage to a man who will beat me and let me waste away at home. i decide i want this. i don’t know what possesses me. what makes me. some instinctual feeling from those who came before me or something else entirely.

she always called herself butch but i was simply gay or a lesbian if i was feeling up to it. i slept with so many men it never usually came up. always the worst men. the ones who did bad things to girls at parties, the ones with awful tempers and certain feelings about women. i couldn’t ever love them but every single whore and bitch thrown my way, every time a hand made contact with my cheek, or a fist with my ribs, every push and shove, every time i was ignored, every time i was silenced and taken as it pleased them i felt something so close for them that it might as well have been. 

it felt so good. it’s sick but it felt so good. and i spent all my time cutting and crying. i did my best to do my schoolwork and i did my teachers if i could when it wasn’t enough. i loathed myself. every single last bit of me i hated and it was wonderful. every time my scientists called me to check in and i told them i was great. i didn’t have anything to live for. i don’t really know what i was still living for. 

but after that day i started trying on the word femme. it felt good so i kept it. i don’t have to patch her up anymore, not like i used to. but sometimes i still have to make sure the stitches are holding together.