#these bad dreams keep coming back
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Violet and Purple are not the same color
#what you assume to be one thing doesn't mean it is#the first one is softer#it does seem confused? as if it forgot something important#hasn't slept well lately#can continue working on it tomorrow#these bad dreams keep coming back#Father said they are tied together#you can go separate ways and still be connected#I can't go to sleep#good night. good night. good night. good night. good night. good night.#tomorrow is another day#starbstalks
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My current favourite crackship that I just created myself is Hiyori×Alive!Kuina. Just because if she can't get Zoro she'll just go for his cousin instead.
You're a genius. Your brain is huge. Please, let me kiss your brain. This is just amazing. I love lesbians. You're SO real-
Hiyori is easily one of my favorite characters and I love her SO much and people won't stop reducing her to her ship with Zoro. I think she doesn't need anybody and if she did want somebody it should be a girl. Because I say so. And Kuina is just,,, She would've been such a great character. Can't stop thinking about this fanart I found because it has changed my life for the better. She's in Wano to train to become the world's greatest swordsman and I'm just thinking about what if Kuina had been there to help them out too and she had been the one to save Hiyori all those times instead of Zoro.... Thinking thoughts. Like, of course, Hiyori and Zoro also have their moments because I do actually like their dynamic and I think she admires him a lot!! But you know. Kuina saves Hiyori a couple of times (when Zoro was going to do it, actually, she just appears like a second before him and ruins his moment) and Hiyori just melts. Because who wouldn't? Kuina would be so tall and strong and a sizeable woman, and I would personally die if she helped me save my country. Besides, I think they'd understand each other because both are women that have been reduced to that role specifically instead of their ambitions and their power and they're so much more. Hiyori was helpless when she had to see her country turn into this mess and she couldn't so anything else but to pretend,, Like-- If somebody knows how being a woman in the world works is Hiyori, and Kuina would understand. She'd admire Kuina so much for her abilities and her personality and ambitions!!!!!! And Kuina would absolutely love Hiyori's kindness and strength for being able to put up with so much!!!
Not to mention that Kuina would be taller than her,,, And bigger,,, And Hiyori would have to look up,, And this is now just the aesthetic part but God they'd look so different. That's Hiyori's guard dog. Wouldn't it be funny if Kuina were all serious and teasing with Zoro and like "*raises eyebrow* seriously?" type of masc girl, and the second Hiyori is around she turns into the happiest person in the world and extremely protective of her? Zoro judges her but he can't say shit because he's literally the same with Luffy (and Kuina teases him even more because she always has the upper hand and it makes him so angry). They're both down bad. Hiyori is just so nice to her and keeps saying she trusts her to become the world's greatest swordsman but even if she doesn't, she'll always have her heart and a place to stay in Wano. And I am weak, guys, I am so weak for lesbians.
Aghhh this is SO good. Somebody make them kiss. I- This is great. Oda could just say "ah yes Kuina actually escaped her hometown on her own and faked her death and traveled to Wano" and I'd believe him wholeheartedly because I want her back. I also want Hiyori back. I miss Wano sometimes a lot.
Also, Kuina sees Zoro with Enma and she goes:
Kuina: Oh cool, you got Hiyori's sword. Good luck with that one. Zoro: Do you want it or what? I am not giving it to you. You'll have to fight for it. Kuina: Nah, when I win our fight I want to win against the king of hell. Nothing less. Zoro: Where's the 'I can't win I'm a girl' bullshit now? Kuina: Stayed with the girl. Now I am a woman and I am going to beat your ass.
And Hiyori looking at them having the biggest lesbian moment in the world kicking her feet and blushing and Momo is next to her like "hehe you have a crush-" and he doesn't get to finish what he was saying because Hiyori hits him so fucking hard he faints. Don't tease her. Poor girl. She's in love, leave her alone.
#please i know i am the first one to explain the meaning behind kuina's death but the way op treats women is just not it and i want her again#also hiyori is the love of my life she's precious to me idc she's my princess i am in love with her#i thought this post would be only about a silly crackship but they're actually consuming my brain oh my god#and when kuina has to go away from wano because she has to go achieve her dream and she goes 'i don't expect you to wait for me but-'#and hiyori just holds her hands and says 'my mother waited. i've waited. and i will keep doing it as long as you come back to me'#or something like that. and i want to cry-#i am vibrating in my fucking chair god please i love them now i need more of them so fucking bad#one piece#kozuki hiyori#shimotsuki kuina#hiyoku??? kuiyori???#i have no idea what to call this ship tumblr do your thing somebody should choose the name for me i suck at this thing#roronoa zoro#zolu#bc zolu mention there and in my head it's a very common topic between kuina and zoro okay she won't stop teasing him about it#+
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If Kipperlilly DOES end up betraying Porter/Jace as part of a secret other scheme she has (whether good or evil) and it has to do with saving Lucy, I just know she’s going to be a bitch about it and pull a ‘sorry, I only save High Five Heroes’ before leaving her other friends to die or some shit. And then she will take her final form: Magic Betty from Adventure Time, betraying her allies and saving her frost gf at the expense of the world. It would also parallel what Ankarna is going through (‘your girlfriend’s out of town, it sucks’, becoming a little imperialist rage machine under the influence of Porter/Sunstone but not being able to fully turn on Lucy despite going against her values and turning into a violent weirdo). This is my wish. My dream. I am manifesting it. Magic Betty Kipperlilly I believe in you.
#I am currently painting clown makeup on my face rn but this is what I’ve been rooting for from the beginning so let me dream#Come on though she HAS to have some other shit going on though right?#She was DEFINITLY in that temple when the Bad Kids said Ankarna’s name#Brennan literally rolled#and we know she was in Porter’s office#so WHY hadn’t she told him Ankarna’s real name yet? We know he genuinely believed Fig found it#Also the BKs couldn’t see who was in the window during the Wanda Childa scene#Which one of the RGs has invisibility?#HMMMM#Wanda saying ‘Kipperlilly? Why are you doing this? Is it because you’re jealous?’ before getting carried off by a fake Porter would let KP#know ‘okay they FULLY saw what happened after I killed Buddy and are onto us’ which would cause her to follow them to the temple#Also…if NONE of the Rat Grinders knew Ankarna’s name then what did Lucy write on her form to change her divinity???#We KNOW it was Ankarna’s name and not the ‘symbol representing her’ because no one could see it BECAUSE the god was dead and no one alive#knew her name#Which means Lucy HAD TO HAVE KNOWN and was keeping it from the others right?#And when she died and didn’t come back they were fucked because they couldn’t even check the form anymore#But#Brennan also said that if Porter WASNT using Devil’s Honey and genuinely believed in Rage And Conquest goddess Ankarna instead of just her#domain then he and his ritual would (maybe) bring her back instead of killing her permenantly so he can take her domain#And idk#A powerful goddess of rage and conquest who despite everything can’t be turned against her sister and ex#who’s resurrection would mean the rune could be broken and Lucy can come back to life#One who has (or had) a personal vendetta against at least one of the bad kids#and a personal vendetta against the people who led to Lucy’s death#that sounds pretty appealing to someone as spiteful and obsessive as Kipperlilly doesn’t it#especially after her best (maybe only real) friend died and didn’t come back#especially if she stayed dead specifically to stop Porter#Again I’m putting my clown makeup on but I don’t want her to be secretly good or anything just unhinged and gay and a parallel to Ankarna#Please world let me have this I’m on my knees#dimension 20
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black eyes
#my stuff#my writing#mein fucking goat i cannot keep having dreams about my ex and yet it is happening still#this is one of the less remarkable ones even. i’ve had two in the past month where i try desperately to give them a flatscreen tv#and one of those big ones too. like 40 inches across. i don’t own a flatscreen tv#i’ll admit it being in singapore is hitting me like a brick to the balls and i am grievously unwell#it’s like i come back and all the work i put in to deal with my anxiety and depression gets high in the woods and dies#but that’s not the point. the point is devoid of friends (in fucking america) and a hyperfixation (haven’t found anything that’s stuck)#i am full of nothing but yearning. good ol classic yearning. and i am so moved on from my ex but i keep trying to give them this fucking tv#!!!! ?????? huh????????????? mayne got………#a girlfriend or a cat would fix me. or leaving this country take your pick#working on it#i’ve made a to do list to combat my i have lost the will to do things problem#and on it is APPLY TO JOBS (note; outside singapore (note: outside america too))#i have a plan and it’s to get as far away as possible and live#we’re getting there#in the meantime here’s a funny poem#i was so. in the dream i actually wanted to see them which is crazy. top 10 bad fan characterizations#but it was a dream with a good color palette. all cool whites and grays and a deep deep blue for the night#cold cold white snow. etc. so of course i had to write about it#which i have done. and now i am going to sleep#good bye
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I forgot how exhausting it is to sob, actually scream cry. it feels good and bad. my eyelids sting. i keep trying to get up and do things but everything just makes me feel sick.
#i know grieving is kinda universally difficult but like#the last time i truly needed to grieve sometjing was so long ago#this feels new again and its so hard#i just. i just keep turning around expecting to see him there#waiting for me#like it was all a bad dream#because it all happened so fast.#the animal er visit was like two hours tops. i thought id take him and theyd fix him up#get him home#i had no idea i needed to make that decision on the spot#really i had like five minutes to think about what to do for him#it was nightmarish honestly maybe thats why its not sinking in#it just all felt so cruel#i dont. i didnt want to believe it to be true#i still donr#please come home to me max#please come back i dont care if you bite me or bark at me#please just let me see you one more time
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look at my alternate yuu concept boy
#i just think the idea of isekaing at age 22 and being shoved into high school is so funny. shes just here now#185cm makes her the same height as leona btw. nearly six foot one. absurdly tall#she did not have friends b4 twst bc she had a Lot of ppl approach her bc of her parents#was very good at keeping a polite distance and went a little insane in twst as a result#fails all her classes at nrc bc she is going home at the end of this to her Real life so who cares shes here for a Good time#girl w/no subconcious desire to stay in twst tho i do think itd be good for her in the long run#she wants to go back to her own reality bc she wants to finish her degree. she was so close#Everyone's Big Sister (self-proclaimed) and incredibly obnoxious abt it#gets on v well with kalim and lilia and then cater is there in the background like. Please Let Me Out.#shes in gargoyle research. malleus is a little brother to her and i think he actually does see her as family more than a romantic partner#WHICH IS RARE FOR ME im usually all abt malleus > yuu but here it makes sense. they are platonic. u kno how it is#book 7 is a really bad time for her bc she learns all of lilias backstory and realizes how much shit he wasnt telling her#as if she were telling him anything serious abt herself LMAO but him leaving w/o sayign + finding out his backstory from a dream is just. h#book 7 i think is whats solidifying her desire to return home. she has a place where she belongs and its not here.#anyways ironically despite how much ive written here + how much ive thought abt her shes only a secondary yuu. yjn comes first always <3#i do really like her shes a lot of fun to think abt. very Messy and impulsive unlike yjn whos thoughtful and deliberate. u kno#god this was a tag essay. ok.#how do you art#twst oc#myuu stuff
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i love how i come back to twst post about how much i hate idia for a few days and then leave again it's such a cycle
#auburn's rambles <3#i think about that time when people were shipping me w him a lot#and i don't think i ever really addressed how bad it made me feel#like i told people to stop yeah but now whenever i see idia i think about how upset and frustrated i was#like it keeps coming BACK i can't get it out of my HEAD#THIS GOT KINDA VENTISH WAIT#idk man it's late i should be asleep but Fuck i cannot stop thinking about how that got so out of hand#my poor lab partner had to deal w me that day LMAO i like. cried in front of her#and i don't know why my brain keeps coming back to it because nobody makes jokes like that anymore#and everyone who did sent me apologies which was so sweet#anyways hello ygys i think i just needed to get this off my chest goodnight#FOR CLARIFICATION I AM OK!!!! i think im just emotional rn and i did not expect to dump a whole ass essay here#muah muah love ygys thank u for being on my side i hope all of your pillows are cold and you have sweet dreams
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every time. every time without fail, that i go on a Dethklok/Brendan's music overall binge as I have been lately. I find myself looking at my guitar like. If only i knew how. if only i could do it right. I could hold her and shred and have fun making music.
alas. my skills are too lacking*
*to clarify, I struggle to read music & learn by ear, but my memory also struggles with remembering chords/finger placements/tabs so even tho i can usually hear how a song should go enough to identify notes & whatnot, and can, with enough time spent noodling, eventually recreate it on guitar. That is not conducive nor useful in actually playing and getting better at it and makes it feel like an Impossible Task lmao.
#text post#tbh it probably is actually impossible bc like#i briefly got a few heavily discounted lessons re: voice guitar and piano w/my old hs choir teacher#and we had some heavy talks abt brains & things and#eventually he was like. u can *technically* play music and sing#ur voice is *unique* like tom waits or bob dylan (read: bad or considered bad by many at least lmao) but u CAN sing#and u can play piano & guitar *in theory* but not with enough understanding to get good at it#his concern kept coming back to my maths learning disability bc he thought that was also fucking up how my brain parses certain music things#and tbh? he's probably right lol#but still. i look to her my shining axe with strings in need of tuning but eager#and then i look away bc it's a nice dream. but im probably never going to be able to achieve any level of skill let alone mastery#I've tried so many times and my brain just can't keep all that info in & parse it all consistently. & it sucks but also it's ok#someday I'll pick her up again and attempt to play and let myself suck at it & b content with that#not today lmao but someday
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i really do enjoy nahida sooo much conceptually shes 100% my favorite archon i just wish she wasnt the lolibait oneeeeeeeeee
#LIKE MANNNNNNN#her depiction as a child isnt even bad in of itself its actually so thematically coherent &strong given her status as the goddess of wisdom#& how it works to subvert the cultural expectation of what intelligence is expected to look like in the first place#so much of her as a character subverts what a god is ''supposed'' to be what with her existing as a counterpart to#rukkhadevata who is in essence everyone's ideal version of a god#despite the fact that rukkhadevata has long been dead & the idea of her as a god is basically no longer attainable#nahida is a god who was neglected entirely By humanity a god who was forcibly isolated for so so many years#AND LIKE OUGHHH THE THING ABOUT HER WRT ISOLATION VERSUS CONNECTION#because wisdom is all about connection & community & linking each other hand in hand#and this is emulated literally all throughout nahidas Entire character right down to how her kit functions#these unspeakable voids that exist between people the way people isolate themselves#& nahida and her entire deal basically acting as a bridge between that#a facilitator for kindness and understanding#whether its through dreams or the Very Literally Mind Reading & Mind Speaking Ability She Has#& all of this really coming back full circle to how she was isolated and trapped in a birdcage for all those years#with nothing But those fragile connections keeping her attached to this world#a world that had forsaken her from the very moment she was born#i just really love the concept of ''god'' less as an authoritative figure on a throne and more as this intangible connection between people#god is in the way we hold hands with one another in the way we try to understand each other despite it all#SORRY. MY RAMBLINGS
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Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo
#speculation nation#chatting with a coworker about how they ended up seeing her by chance#and she Asked about me. she seemed so preoccupied with me Specifically it seems!#and she apparently mentioned how shed consider coming back here and im just loke#lmfaoooooo girl im in charge of the hiring now and there is no WAY id hire her back#even without the personal grievances. she just caused some Real problems. like hell id accept her back.#but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it!#im a chill person but when someone makes me cry that hard for that long TWICE#yeah fuckin right id hire you back. keep dreaming.#anyways ive just been hanging out at work and chatting Whoops hfkshfj#my shift ended an hour and a half ago. i really should be going home soon.#the good news is i should be able to secure the lease renewal for only $40 more than the original renewal offer#the bad news is they havent replied since sending that which means its not in writing yet#WHICH MEANS the showing is still on for tomorrow. ugh.#which means i need to clean. blegh.#i guess having the pressure to clean isnt the worst but i really dont wanna lmaooo#at least i do have tomorrow off. i can make it work...#but yea my anxiety is a lot more manageable now. tempered by the satisfaction of being better paid than an old enemy#IT'S KIND OF FUNNY to call her that but she kind of is. it was mostly 1 sided bc she took issue with Me#i was fine being friendly work acquaintances but noooo she had to go and make my life fucking hell for several months#the social atmosphere has changed man. im not letting a snake back in.#im a nice person but i am a Resentful person. if youve wronged me i am never fucking forgetting.#but yeah i make more money than her ❤️ yay ❤️
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i would give anything to interview dream about youtube like not bc i want to make videos i'm just so fascinated by it and everything to do with it
#cq.rambles#mr beast too i guess 😭#mr beast is such a freak about yt though like bro acknowledges that grinding so hard is probably literally killing him and he just keeps do#ng it#alsp pk kind of unrelated but#i wish sapn.aps video had a more clear storyline to it#like a clear setting out of the goals from the beginning#bc it felt like all the advancements were just getting thrown at u and there was no way of like#knowing what was coming next ?#idk idk#also wish the ending was wayyyyless abrupt#like it was such a cute video but it was def missing Something#and i feel like thats what dream meant when he said he didnt like the editing#but who knowsss#curious to see how their future vidoes do#bc i see ppl kind of dooming about That video flopping#and i think just bc they havent uploaded for a while and bc yt and mc vids in general r down in views#they're first videos back migth all do pretty bad#but i think if they push through and start consistently uploading#views will get very good again#but wtf do i know man 😭#just fun to think about for me :p
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Ngl bad parents give me such an ick like stay tf away from me ew
#this cousin of mine has twins#twin boys#and while i sort of understand why she is the way she is with them#i realy cant wrap my head completely around it#because well#its such blind idiot stupid fucking BAD behaviour especially for a mother was especially towards her children#especially when theyre twins and youre so blatantly partial the favoured one KNOWS hes favoured#like. she has absolutely ruined her second boy and absolutely cannot handle him and yet slaps him every chance she gets#doesnt listen to him refuses to indulge him even the least bit shows zero affection and ive been here three days and man can i see#that child is fucking parched for affection specifically from him mother because he is neglected#he knows he is neglected#he is scared shitless of her and acts out of his way to get any attention he can because that is the only time his mother will hold him#be it with sharp fingers and a hold that digs into his skin#theyre literally just 5 years old#the neglected child i a fucking dream come true. is already smart as FUCK#does anything you tell him to do RIGHT THAT SECOND#the only flaw is that he doesnt listen when anyone tells him not to do something which isnt even a flaw for fucks sake#thats a fucking child hes gonna ASK#and you shout at him and dont amswer him and when he keeps asking you hit him#my heart fucking cries man#the other one knows his mother favours him and despises his brother and that evil fucker (i know its not his fault) lies#and gets his brother hit and then fucking TEASES HIM ABOUT IT THREATENS HIM LATER ON LIKE I AM SO DISGUSTED#HOW MUCH OF AN AWFUL PARENT DO YOU HAVE TO BE FOR YOUR KIDS TO BE AWARE OF HOW TO MANIPULATE YOU AT THE AGE OF FUCKING FIVE#F I V E (5).#they. are. FIVE.#i seriously want to keep him to myself because she will ruin him#and whats more disgusting is when shes getting him to do stuff shes all like “baby do this” and the moment hes back and standing close she#pushes him away? looks at him disgusted? says “why do you bother me so much”??????#that is child is the most fucking neglected child ive ever seen and seriously man why does this happen and why do I HAVE TO WITNESS IT#the favoured one is pure evil and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING TO HIM HES DUMB ASF CANT EVEN WRITE ONE WORD WITHOUT DYING DOES NOTHING DOESNT LISTEN
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#another day another therapy session for a girl who has everything i could only ever dream of 🤡#like i admit her family fucking sucks ngl#but idk if it's her being tone-deaf about this or if im just hypersensitive af on this topic but#'there's also this pressure to always be pretty and all' 'why tho like did your dad/mom ever comment on your looks?'#'well no haha not to be all braggy but there was never anything to comment on (negatively) yknow'#spoken to my face like oh right yeah well fuck me ig haha. once again reminded how different lives we live lol#and on top of this its this constant showing me that im being a bad friend to her which ig is true what with all my non responding to texts#but like. its like there is no real understanding towards me in turn. its like only she has problems and crippling mental issues#i dont call YOU out on your bullshit. i keep quiet and let you do and say whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better#even if it is actively capital H Hurting me and i come back home and end up sobbing in the pillow#and hating myself even more lol so cant you do the same and just take a deep breath and try to understand that i NEED a break sometimes#ANYWAY.#really feeling like scratching my face off my skull again
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Sometimes Diluc does wonder if the Delusion left a lasting impact on him, outside the never-fading scars on his arm. That if every time his temper flares or he deals a particularly cruel blow upon his opponent, it’s due to the Delusion’s lingering influence, that it may have altered him to be a crueler person as a result of his near half a decade-long dependence on it.
#hc; diluc#//Sometimes; he even goes as far as to wonder if the Delusion in fact only ENHANCED what was already there#//He’d damn near slain Kae out of anger as it was; anger he’d NEVER once thrown at Anyone before; much less HIM#//Who’s to say he didn’t already have that darkness within him; even considering the circumstances of that moment#//And him continuously—deliberately CHOOSING—using the Delusion only CEMENTED it deep into his self and soul#//He’s had plenty of his share of nightmares where he longs for the Delusion; regretting having Shattered it after its final use#//It was for the best; yes; but now he’ll forever be Haunted by the lack of it; like an addict in withdrawal#//There were times he DID try and cast it away during his years in Snezhnaya; but inevitably put it back on after harrowing nightmares#//He wishes he’d tried harder to get rid of it then; before it left such a lasting impression on him#//Even now; his body is still SO used to & wanting of it; he gets so RESTLESS#//Wanting to reach for and mess with it; only to find it gone and Remember why#//Or the marks it had branded him with start aching and acting up so bad; as though he were Burning from its fire#//Feeling utterly Exhilarated in the face of destruction his flames bring; in dreams or in reality then be Horrified at how much he’d done#//bc he SHOULDNT be proud of that; SHOULDNT delight in such cruel feelings and sights#//Especially when it comes to dealing w Fatui in Mond—the sick delight he feels in fighting/destroying them genuinely scares him at times#//He’s less inclined to feel it when dealing with the Abyss creatures—they aren’t HUMAN after all; but it still sets him at unease at times#//Sometimes particularly scathing remarks toward Kae during their bouts have even him balking#//Not quite rushing to take it back; esp not when Kae hits back harder or brushes it off w his irritating little posturing#//But still enough to make him mull it over afterwards & wonder just how much more resentment he holds for him#//And if he should watch out and make sure it doesn’t get so bad he tries to hurt him again#//He would NEVER willingly want to draw his sword on him ever again; not if he could help it#//no matter what’s become of their bond and how irreparable it must surely be; after all’s said and done#//But if the Delusion had truly sunk its cruel influence so deep into himself…who’s to say how well he can keep up this oath?#//Or smth idk lol
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I'm truly fighting tooth and nail to get to sleep until 9:30 these days, its unreal
#red rambles#i cant really call them nightmares because they were interesting and fun dreams i kept deliberately throwing myself back into after the plo#went entirely to shit in them all but i kept dreaming about like my friends and family all dying or me accidentally killing my pet lizard o#spilling soda all over the floor at a funeral and shit like that#and between each dream i kept waking up#first time was at 3am and then it was fucking hourly from there#maybe more than that i think the sun was up three times i wole#genuinely want to make sure you all understand that i enjoyed these dreams a lot more than i enjoy the ones where nothing goes sideways#because then i get to solve whatever happened and it's a fun puzzle#the imagery of stroking the spine of a proud and beautiful creature and having its scales rub off with my hand and start bleeding everywherz#is probably the only part that actually felt bad to experience because it came completely out of nowhere and then she freaked out and kept t#trying to bite me as an injured animal is wont to do if you are in it's space and hurt it so i had to keep grabbing her and her scales kept#coming off LMAO#but beyond that i was genuinely having fun it's just that the dreams would end and then i'd wake up
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i think i've finally come to understand why i'm so bad at communicating with friends 👍 at one point or another i've thought i was in love with every single person i've ever been friends with (for the most part, at least) because i don't expect other people to like me. OBVIOUSLY this is not true but platonic feelings are not dissimilar to romantic ones (baseline they're the same: you want to love and be loved by someone) but i always end up realizing that i'm not in love with them, just that they matter to me very much and i wouldn't know what do to w/o their presence in my life. BUT this brings me to facet number 2 of my awful communication skills: i hate it when things Get Real. i find myself retreating any time it seems like Something Could Change in my day-to-day life due to them being around and "forcing" the change. i run away from talking to one of my only irl friends on almost a daily basis bc i dread the idea of having to do anything she might want me to do. i think, at the end of the day, my problem might just be that i don't want to change... ANYWAYS
#i actually think the funniest example of this comes from the irl guy friend i think i actually DO have romantic feelings for#i never used to have feelings for him but i always kind of nursed the idea of such a thing (as i said i think i could be in love with most#friends before i realize i'm not - but with him specifically i never had a moment where i realized i... wasn't?) also my previously#aforementioned irl friend kind of insinuated he might have feelings for me or we might end up with one another and now every time i think#abt him i think about THAT so.#anyways a few years ago he came by my house and picked me up and we got ice cream and talked for hours bc we have a lot in common#and he actually manages to keep in contact with me despite how hard it is (how hard i make it) to talk to me on a consistent basis lol#like we don't talk a LOT but he's also the one who convinced me to contact my former other irl best friend that i hadn't talked to in 6 yrs#anyways back to what i was talking abt from a few years ago... it was 4 yrs ago at this point but after the ice cream - i got a job#and we talked a lot - he took me and my irl bff out but she had a HUGE fight with her bf and he tracked her down and it was. a disaster#but after that they made up (lucikly she broke up with him not too long after lmao) but me and him were put in the middle of it#and anyways we went to the mall with the annoying couple LMAO but we broke off and it was just... really nice to be with him?#and then we went to walmart and rented a movie and went back to my irl's apartment and i tried to dye his hair in her bathroom LMAO#and it just felt really natural to be close to him and whatnot. we really get along and i really don't dislike him and i'm not NOT into him#but yeah anyways a few days later he messaged me and asked if he could pick me up from work but i told him no because at that point i was.#afraid. because i had a dream that i had kissed hik and he turned into rick sanchez and drowned LMFAOOO IT SOUNDS RETARDED BUT.#like i think the point of the dream was that if i showed him that i had some kind of feelings for him he would change or die or disappear?#i always assume the worst. but yeah the dream literally put me off so bad that i cut contact with him for almost 2 years#because i was afraid of him and i was afraid of my life changing#idk. maybe i should give it a try now. i'm still scared but you never know.#i at least wanna say 'thanks' for him convincing me to message my friend from 6 years ago so 🤷♀️ who knows
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