#these are older but i nvr post these i think so here we are

[captain-nohbody]

Hugo posting

[love-songs-for-emma]

okay im literally so emo. im looking at these entries in my 4th grade notebook where i talk about my older brother's girlfriend kelly who i thought was soso cool && i want yall to know that children look up to u & love u even if they dont say it enough out loud. like u are so cool & pretty & funny & if u are kind, children will know it before anyone else

[liu-lang]

mental health & job stuff - tw: eating disorders, anxiety, sexual assault, self harm 

this week has been difficult. on tuesday and thursday, I saw my new therapist and psychiatrist respectively. 

the moment i saw my therapist’s office, i had reservations on whether she could relate to me. she was a white woman, perhaps in her 30s who was wearing one of those ... convertible skirts ?... you know the one where you can wear as a skirt with a foldable waist band thing tt also can be worn as a tube top dress. i just google’d convertible skirt and patanogia came up (white ppl who have the luxury of time and money to go camping in the summer brand). her office smelt like one of those autumn-scented candles. she had a chakra wall hanging / scroll thing. the appointment started off pretty open-ended. i think she was trying to give me ~space~ to open up so that the conversation flowed naturally. but i just felt kinda lost bc it took me months through 2 clinics and 3 intake appts to finally see her. @ tt point, i’m tired of hearing “so tell me why you’re here today” .... my scepticism increased exponentially  when she recommended practising yoga, being present and mindfulness training. honestly, idk why she works there ? bc she’s serving patients seeking treatment through the LA County Department of Mental Health. considering the issues they face and their lived experiences and socioeconomic status, i don’t think following a 10-min yoga lesson through an app (she seriously tried to recommend an app to me) is gonna make a difference. anyway, my next appt is in another 3 weeks. 

my psychiatrist is an older Filipino women, maybe in her 40s or 50s ... and the way she talks kinda reminds me of my mum (who is a big trigger for me). she asked lots of racially microaggressive questions before reading my file. really reminds me of how my mum exotifies my sisters and i for being mixed. i had to repeat details about my race, country i grew up and family structure a lot. she asked about my religious beliefs and i affirmed that i still identify as a muslim then she asked me if all muslim women have to go through female genital mutilation (there is a history of FGM in my family) ... and just, i can’t. her question came out more as a statement that she wanted me to confirm. i had to explain how it’s more of a mix of sociocultural factors than religious practise, tt not every muslim woman is subjected to it and there is an international response to educate these communities on its harmful effects. 

she also brought up the sexual assault tt happened when i was in high school. i alr felt distrustful and uncomfortable @ tt point ... i couldn’t make myself refer to him as a paedophile. she asked me who was this man and i just like... lost for words ? felt too ashamed ? ... i’m really stuck on how i couldn’t just refer to him for what he was. i guess i do have lots of lingering issues feeling like i am to blame for what happened. we also ran into some issues with my rx. my current pcp didn’t recommend me for my usual annual cardiology visit bc she believes i’ve been stable for a long enough time. but my psychiatrist strongly prefers if i can get an ECG. she did give me a rx for 10 mg lexapro though so... we’ll see how tt goes. i decided to finally seek medication because of my anxiety at work. i didn’t want it to affect my job performance. they also took my vitals ... the usual stuff, my blood pressure is low and i’m underweight. i need to go back for blood work on tuesday. 

speaking of job performance ... i went to a career fair at my alma mater. i had a federal work study position at the career development center as a communications assistant (basically a combo of outreach, distribution, marketing, social media management, data anallytics) so it was different to be on the other side of things. one of the employers present contacted me for an interview. the interview was successful and they extended me an offer. then they gave me the runaround for 2 weeks and i received an email yesterday rescinding the job offer. needless to say, i was blindsided. here’s the time line of events

10/19 thursday - attended job fair

10/20 friday - received a call to schedule an interview then an email confirmation for interview

10/24 tuesday - went in for interview (had to move my psychiatrist appt which essentially changed my psychiatrist so ... idk if i could have had a better fit. i’m miffed abt this.)

10/25 wednesday - phone call from HR offering me the position, they told me i could have until 10/30 to make a decision. they also said they wanted a 11/06 start date if possible. i told them i had to give 2 weeks notice at my current employer as proper protocol

10/27 friday - i rang HR and left a voicemail indicating i’d be interested and wanted to discuss benefits etc 

10/30 monday - i rang HR again and told them i had left them a message on friday and would love to hear back from them soon. no phone call back. in the afternoon, i sent an email to the recruiter i originally handed my resume to letting him know i’ve been unsuccessful in reaching the HR person and would appreciate an update. he rang me back assuring me the offer was still on the table and they would gladly have me and he would email me an official offer by the end of day, also stressed 11/06 start date and i again repeated the 2 weeks notice spiel and could HR send me a summary of the benefits 

11/01 wednesday - i ring HR and finally speak to the HR person. she didn’t receive any of my messages and the recruiter didn’t inform her of what i requested. she said she usually is not in the office mondays and fridays. she sounds in a hurry and is in the middle of doing payroll. i keep it short and express interest in accepting the offer. could i have summary of the health insurance plan and possibly negotiate a slightly higher salary ? she agrees to send me a official written offer by the end of the day or tomorrow. again they emphasise 11/06 start date... i’m like really confused but just repeat that i would love to start asap but also what about 2 weeks notice

11/02 thursday - i receive an email from HR rescinding the job offer with the explanation they had already filled in all the positions they were recruiting for. 

this post is getting super long. there were red flags abt this company from the beginning but i was holding out hope bc surely a university would have thoroughly vetted the employers they invite to a career fair. also bc i worked for the CDC and knew these employers & established a rapport through my position there. i’m still trying to process everything. i’m mostly crushed at the realisation tt i will have to work another black friday in retail. i would hear things abt ppl not being able to work bc of mental health issues. i nvr discredited them but i also didn’t really have a concept of it ? now i have a lived experience. it is tortuous having to think of slogging through another holiday season when i was so close to leaving. i had a co-worker who just left and we were congratulating each other on finally getting out. it feels so defeating and depressing to still be stuck / left behind. this feels so much worse than an outright rejection. added onto normal anxiety associated w/ the recent grad job hunt, now i’m catastrophising what if this happens with another potential employer ? i keep wondering about the reasons why they rescinded ? maybe i shouldn’t have negotiated ? maybe i should have just accepted when they rang - i didn’t have any other offers on the table... maybe i tried to get in touch with them too much ? maybe i didn’t pass the background check ? maybe something went wrong w/ my references ? ...even though they kept insisting on like an impossible start date plus never sending me an official offer therefore preventing me from resigning and agreeing to their start date. i kinda want to have a meeting with my ex boss to let her know about my experience and maybe get advice on um... being aware of warning signs to prevent this from happening again ? but i don’t want it to sound like i’m blaming the university for bringing on shady companies ... i know my experience is not reflective of everyone else’s. it’s hard not to internalise this and feel like there is something wrong with me. another thing is ... i have like no written evidence of everything in between so on email it just looks like i had an interview and then they rejected me. and my phone calls which they nvr answered looks like i was the one hounding them when ... understandably i wanted to move the hiring process along bc they were adamant on the 11/06 start date. i also needed the time to make the very big financial decision of buying a fucking car in order to get to work (the office is in orange county which has 0 convenient transport options esp. going btwn LA and orange counties) 

i’m really anxious abt having more allergic reactions at work - especially bc the managers now know. i have an appt with an allergist but it’s not until january. idk if my skin can survive. i can hide it when it’s on my body but lately it’s been flaring up on my hands - which i use to touch merchandise, handle money, stock shelves, build displays ... just lots of touching and hand contact with possible allergens. i cried in the car after work yesterday and have been battling thoughts of self harm since wednesday. sigh... i’ll have to call this afternoon asking for next week’s work schedule at the store. tt familiar feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting everything to stop is coming back. 

[greedler]

YO i got tagged, thanks snail buddy

Author you’ve read the most books from:

Honestly? Probably Suess. Next closest would be whoever made the magic school bus series. I hoarded those.

Best Sequel Ever:

I think Fell was much better than the first book, The Sight. There’s no way in hell any of you guys know what that book is but pretty much it’s wolves with magical powers. No wonder I’m a furry. I actually read the seqeal first on accident

Currently Reading:

A shit ton of fanfiction. Okay if we’re talking published books I’m reading King Lear and Heart of Darkness for my english class

Drink of Choice While Reading:

We don’t drink. We go in DRY

E-reader or Physical Book?

Physical book. I drop stuff a lot and a tablet is nooooot a good idea but i also get papercuts.... hmmm. i just really likes books? the weight, the smell (even the new ones), sound of a page turning or shutting it. 

Fictional Character You Probably Would Have Actually Dated In High School:

Hey guys what’s my url? Jk I’d totally date the onceler but fandom greedler can go suck my dick he ain’t getting this sweet ass. Y’all have no idea how many waifus i got. I’ll list, Russia, Clear, Grillby. yeah we’ll call it quits there. (I like greedler and russia a lot but i don’t think those would work out) I’m overthinking this LET ME DATE THE BOYS. i really like undyne too... (kinda realizing i like girls more than i thought i did)

Glad You Gave This Book A Chance:

the bible praise jesus HELLALUYA jk, uuuuh god i usually just read fanfiction cause it takes less effort than going to the library... hmmm. I liked Jane Eyre more than I thought I would? no not that... FUCK. Let’s go with the infinity farm.I mean that is surreal and hellish. That one tumblr post with like the cow with infinite legs? that one. Did not expect to like it so much.

Hidden Gem Book:

HOLY FUCK GUYS READ MONTMORENCY IT”S SO GOOD!!!!! the seqeals are good too but they go in a different direction. There’s so many scenes i will nvr get outtof my head from these books. Essentially it’s set in the victorian age or whatever and it’s about a dude who tries to trick his way into high society. so good. seriously

Important Moment in your Reading Life:

deviantart.... i read so many hetalia reader inserts..... so many

Just Finished:

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh a lot of porn tbh.

Kinds of Books You Won’t Read:

Straight romance books. bleh. uh mystery books? for some reason i think i hate them but i don’t think i’ve ever read one.... wait.. oh my god montmorency is a mystery book and i thought i hated those.. FUCK.. i need to read way more

Longest Book You’ve Read:

I’m gonna go with series just so I can say i read the Eragon book series in a week. I mean they’re pretty long. I read the first book in 24 hours.

Major book hangover because of:

any time i open ao3 after 9 oclock. You know I ain’t gonna be sleeping much.

Number of Bookcases You Own:

ha! no

One Book You Have Read Multiple Times:

The previously mentioned book Fell. I have read it 3 times I think. Once in one night. I’ve read montmorency three times too.

Preferred Place To Read:

my hidey hole of a bedroom of course! theres something surreal abt reading fanfiction in a public library though that i reccomend

Quote that inspires you/gives you all the feels from a book you’ve read:

you think I can remember a quote? pshaaa

i guess I’ll put a dr suess quote i’ve had on my wall for years and that only gets more and more relevant to me as time goes on. You have to be odd to be number one. I live by that.

Reading Regret:

I didn’t read Harry Potter when I was younger for some reason? well i know why i wanted to save it for when I was older so I could marathon all of them. Nvr really got into it. Would’ve liked to see that mess of a fandom. I was into Naruto instead I guess.

Series You Started And Need To Finish(all books are out in series):

Any books series I’ve ever dropped I dropped for a damn good reason. I ain’t got shit to say here.

Three of your All-Time Favorite Books:

I’m just gonna list favorite fanfictions since I already listed my fav books. I’ve probably got more fav books but I’m tired and can’t remember them atm. Beauty and the Beast Russia x Reader It’s like 70 chapters and still going and yeah it’s no where near as good as I remember it but I’ve read it so many times. My encylopedia of flags I guess? i really loved flags. This book I have filled with old spiderman comicbooks.

Unapologetic Fangirl For:

Tolkien. I’m a sucker for fantasy okay. The WORLDBUILDING

Very Excited For This Release More Than All The Others:

the next fuckING CHAPTER OF THAT RUSSIA X READER!!!!! please it’s been more than a year i’m dying

Worst Bookish Habit:

posture, my back eternally hurts cause of it

X Marks The Spot: Start at the top left of your shelf and pick the 27th book:

i don’t have 27?

Your latest book purchase:

nvr bought a book in my life fam

ZZZ-snatcher book (last book that kept you up WAY late):

Jane Eyre cause i decided to start reading it at 10 oclock when the study guide was due the next day likE AN IDIOT

aight imma try and @ people snail hasn’t. Don’t feel like you have to this was just pretty fun! did take a while tho...

so i will @ @ask-irl-oncie @winchells and for the fuck of it @gay4genji! come on buddy what’s some cool shit u’ve read!

shit what was this challenge called again?

eh here’s a link http://www.perpetualpageturner.com/2013/08/some-friday-fun.html