#these are just shallow bits and pieces compared to playing through the whole thing

[sleeplesssmol]

Snippets from Mesmer Jr's Anecdote 

I highly recommend playing this one though. Lots of things to pick apart and analyze.

This anecdote takes place after Lilya beaks Vertin out of her forced coma in Ch 4, El Oro de Los Tigres. Mesmer and the rest of Laplace are cleaning up “Vertin's mess.” Mesmer doesn't seem angry with Vertin here, rather more annoyed by the work. She says this will be the “last time” she cleans up after Vertin. Medicine Pocket also makes a short appearance here.

Interesting fact: Midazolam is a real drug mentioned in the Anecdote. It's used to “calm down” patients in the anecdote. Midazolam is a Benzodiazepine (benzos), so it acts as a sedative. The other brand name for Midazolam is “Versed”, which is fun cause its “Reverse 1999” .

Cristallo is one of Mesmer Jr's patients. Tooth Fairy brings Cristallo in weekly for the equivalent of a cancer screening. They don't call it cancer outright, but it is described in a very similar fashion where a stray cell travels somewhere it's not supposed to and wreaks havoc. Cristallo discovers a journal of a Laplace psychiatrist known as Dorothea. This journal gives insight into a younger Mesmer Jr.’s life after joining Laplace and she was someone who looked out for Little Mesmer.

Little Mesmer Jr. had a patient’s blood splattered all over her face and clothing during an emergency procedure but she seemed to be the calmest one in the room. She also wore socks with little bears on them.

Arcanist blood subtly influences a child's development, impacting their hormones and emotions. Most arcanist children naturally discover and use their arcane abilities. However, a few experience severe physical and psychological issues, with their bodies rejecting their bloodline. In such cases, compensatory reactions can occur.

A patient from SPDM ended up in Laplace’s care. A student Mesmer recognized named Joseph. He had his legs amputated due to the compensatory reaction. Mesmer is the one who disposed of his legs after surgery. 

Dorothea was later killed by a Manus Vindictae member, Jerry Wilson, who she was treating. Years later, Mesmer Jr. is the one who has to sign the release of Jerry Wilson. Mesmser Jr. isn’t aware that this is the Foundation’s scheme to locate Forget-Me-Not and the rest of Manus Vindicate by tracking Jerry.

The Mesmers’ authority over Mesmer Jr. was emphasized during the anecdote. Like Vertin, she is forced to keep calm and obey orders from people above her. However, it is implied that she is now a member on her family’s council. Mesmer also finds out Dorothea’s studies were funded by the Mesmer’s. Dorothea might have been another pawn used by the Mesmer's to further her agenda.

She feels responsible for Dorothea’s death. Mesmer’s Jr. guilt about what she did to Vertin manifests as Madam Z and Lilya berating her in a dream. Vertin got the Laplace treatment of having her legs broken before being placed in a coma despite the fact she wasn't resisting. Laplace takes these extreme measures with Arcanists suffering from Storm Syndrome, meaning it was uncalled for in Vertin's case but Mesmer followed her orders anyway. She blames herself for Isabella, The Ring, and the other children's reversal. In her dream, she is confronted by the many faces of people she feels she let down. When asked why she would do these things, she answers "Because I'm a Mesmer."

[inthehausofholbein]

002 :)

002. a shopping mall, crowded and loud

autistic! ludmi is very personal to me

It’s the 25th of June and Ludmila still doesn’t have a gift for her step-sister. Normally, she would’ve rolled her eyes at everyone lovingly greeting Violetta on her special day, but things have changed.

Change is scary, though… and sometimes weird. Very weird. It was like just yesterday, she was determined to destroy Vilu emotionally. Now, she’s stressing over whether Violetta would even like her gift.

Ludmila felt pathetic. She went from not caring about what other people said to doing exactly that. What a downgrade, she thought.

She just needed to find something cute and girly — exactly Violetta’s taste in girls. The mall would probably do.

As she stepped inside, the footsteps and voices of the hundreds of other people there along with the plethora of clashing sounds became louder than her thoughts. It was as if she had super-hearing.

Thank the lords she brought her airpods, though — the noise-cancelling kind. They prove to be helpful when your mother scolds you for the nth time. She put them on and felt relief.

Now, time to search for a gift.

She found a clothing store filled with feminine pieces. Puff sleeves, sweetheart necklines, pastel colors, and a whole lot of chiffon and tulle. Where do you even begin? This shop looks like Violetta’s closet! Though, if it does, it means that she must already own clothes like this…

As Ludmi was searching through all the sections, she failed to notice the sales ladies asking her if she needed help. The song playing in her earphones was just too good to pause.

As she thought to herself that Germán probably bought her a whole pile of cute clothes before, she redirected her attention to a stationary store. It’s not Japanese stationary level, but there’s some good stuff there.

Does Violetta even use stationary that much? She writes in her diary all the time, yes. She does draw sometimes, yes. Does she paint? Ludmi doesn’t know. Does she scrapbook? Ludmi doesn’t know. Does she read often? Ludmi doesn’t know. This is when she fully realized she barely knows Violetta at all.

As she was about to leave the store, a two small kids ran inside and bumped into her legs while chasing each other. Their parents were trying to calm them down, but that's when her airpods died. They were at around 30% when she entered the mall.

One of the kids was hiding behind her "because she's tall" and the parents started apologizing to Ludmila and scolded their kids.

"Oh no, it's fine," Ludmi replied as she felt like kicking the children then and there. Of course, she didn't. This is a public area, after all. But every single noise in the mall rose in volume again and she was getting impatient for her airpods to charge.

Ludmila passed by the food court and instantly walked away. The combination of talking, loud eating, and crying kids immediately threw her off.

As she was walking to another shop that had items Violetta might like, she felt like a ghost walking amongst a crowd of people. Some were bumping into her shoulders and she looked somewhat ridiculous avoiding all of it. It just felt like the amount of people doubled every second.

She found a toy store - a peculiar place to find a gift for someone who's nearly 20. Maybe a bit insulting.

Her eyes locked on a giant plushie of a cat holding a heart saying "I love you". Cheesy as fuck!

But she then remembered a moment where Violetta randomly ranted about her childhood. She mentioned how her father always told her he loved her, but always showed it in shallow ways such as expensive gifts. She couldn't help but compare it to her own upbringing where her mother would manipulate Ludmila by buying her whatever she wanted in exchange for obedience.

At that point, they were just warming up to each other, so it caught Ludmi by surprise how Vilu could open up like that. Not to mention how Ludmila had never said anything remotely vulnerable to anyone before.

Her airpods were finally 100% charged, so she put them back on and happily approached the counter with it and a gift bag. After paying and leaving the store, she felt relieved as she went back home to have some alone time before the Castillos would inevitably hold a dinner party for their sweet little girl.

Bonus Scene

"What?!?!" Violetta yelled as someone was knocking on her door repeatedly.

"Violetta!" Ludmila obnoxiously replied. “I have a little something for you!”

Violetta tiredly opened the door early in the morning to find Ludmila smiling widely. It was creepy, to say the least.

"Woah! Little thing?"

"Well, it is quite big" Ludmi said as she handed her step-sister a gift bag that could fit six volleyballs. "Open it!"

"Wait." Vilu replied teasingly, "Where's my birthday greeting?"

Rolling her eyes, Ludmila reluctantly said, "Happy birthday.”

"And my birthday kiss-"

"Oh my god, fuck off!" Ludmi yelled while the two started laughing. "Germán will definitely kiss you too much, but you can't make me do it once!"

"Come on! We're sisters!"

"No!"

"Whatever you say." Violetta then took the bag and was surprised at how light it was for its size. "What's in here?"

"I literally said to open it."

Vilu did and her eyes lit up like fireflies. "Oh my god, this is so cute!" Ludmila couldn't help but smile at Violetta hugging it and beaming brighter than the sun. Though, she wouldn't show it, of course.

"Read what's on the heart."

"I... love... you– Ludmila, did you really buy this?"

"Are you really doubting that I would buy you a gift like this? I'm very nice, if you didn't know!"

"Really-“

"Shut up!"

Violetta giggled. "So are you the one saying I love you to me?”

"Violetta, shut-“

"Say it!"

“No-“

"Say it!" Vilu then held the plushie as close to her face as possible as a way to tease her more.

Pausing then sighing as loud as possible, Ludmila finally said, "I love you, hermanita."

Violetta then hugged her. At first, Ludmi flinched a little, but she couldn't escape one of Vilu's tight hugs. As Vilu was about to let go, she whispered to Ludmila's ear.

"Best birthday ever."

Ludmila kept hugging Vilu then tickled her.

Violetta immediately let go and teased back, "Ah, you love me!"

[greensaplinggrace]

there’s a certain beauty in fandom idealizing bardugo’s assessment of manipulation as well. how they give more weight to a level of predatory and highly manipulative behavior that does not exist within canon to support analyses that would previously fall flat. in an effort to forego real literary analysis, fans will take the author’s word for her intent and reapply it backwards throughout her works regardless of supporting evidence.

I think this shows a special kind of mindset that isn’t necessarily unique to fandom. many people in the world would rather allow confirmation bias to cloud their judgement of a situation than to view it through their own unbiased lenses. a show of support as well as community in a world where losing such connections may paint one as a predator or an outcast.

that the very act of shipping something is seen as supporting abuse or falling for manipulation when such actions present very different societal consequences overall is indicative of a larger misunderstanding about the world in general and literature's influence on the masses.

it’s the same argument that one would, say, use about people agreeing with midsommar or fight club or american psycho. yet when real satirical pieces of work criticizing prevalent societal problems in subversive ways are put side by side with shadow and bone, it becomes obvious where this argument fails. after all, for shadow and bone to present the issue of abuse and manipulation in a way that truly critiques society, it would first have to accurately depict the ways manipulation and cult tactics are utilized to exert control, and it would secondly have to display the real ways in which power is allotted within a system to the general populace as well as the individual - and it would have to tackle with nuance the diversity and intersectionality of privilege and trauma within a time of war and genocide.

the darkling's whole thing is his ability to manipulate people to empathize with him despite his wrongdoings and the fandom just proves that

a mischaracterization like this shows why such a misunderstanding would take place, however. when positing that the darkling's ability to manipulate people canonically relies on convincing them to empathize with him despite his wrongdoings, you insert more meaning into the narrative than exists. the darkling textually manipulates one young woman through his looks, because while bardugo argues that he represents a master manipulator, she only writes him as someone capable of being just pretty enough to catch a young woman's attention, so that he may use this interest to his advantage whilst still allowing her feelings of prejudice towards his race to go unaddressed.

the darkling gets alina to empathize with him, but his wrongdoings don't play a part in this. alina empathizes when she knows about his wrongdoings, yet never falls for it and still kills him. she empathizes with him when she doesn't know about his wrongdoings, and all this does is give her the impression that she understands him a bit more. nobody else is manipulated by this, so it isn't his thing. in fact, the darkling doesn't even try to appeal to anybody but alina, who canonically never fully falls for him anyway.

so to say people shipping a fictional ship somehow proves bardugo's point about the relationship... being unhealthy? is a shallow stone throwing opinion that is bound to hit some glass ceilings.

let's be real here for a second. bardugo treats her female fans like children and infantilizes her female characters. bardugo's point about the darkling's manipulation lacks nuance. bardugo's writing about abuse and manipulation in general lacks nuance, and is ultimately more harmful than helpful in any way. she has no point, because her point cannot even be supported by her own text.

comparing people liking an unhealthy fictional ship to the same mindset that occurs when consuming satirical media meant to display overall biases within general society runs into the very simple issue of that unhealthy ship representing nothing and addressing nothing prevalent about society in any meaningful way. not only that, but it isn't even portrayed in a way that would manipulate readers, considering the cheap use of narrative devices and the formatting of the story and themes overall. so what you are looking at when people like the darkling or ship the darkling and alina is people who admire the potential of these cobbled together archetypes and caricatures, and who simply admire the symbolism of such a dynamic.

for readers to, say, fall for the darkling in a way that makes bardugo's point, shadow and bone would have to be written very differently. it would have to have an accurate and nuanced handle on power and manipulation, a diverse assessment of privilege and oppression, a more realistic world state with more complex character arcs, and a consistent internal narrative that drives the plot. it would also have to have a better understanding of society and politics overall, and the methods through which organizations as well as people handle control and enforce conformity as well as obedience.

of course I hate darklina, but there's a certain beauty in people who ship them simply because of how it proves Leigh's point of his manipulation. how even though he's a murderer, predator, and so much worse, people still manage to think he deserves a relationship with Alina. that they should be together. the darkling's whole thing is his ability to manipulate people to empathize with him despite his wrongdoings and the fandom just proves that

[illegiblewords]

Vent post. Seriously, big vent that touches upon several topics.

Sometimes I hate people a little bit. I don’t have a ton of creative mentors I can trust or look to for guidance. A lot of what I’ve learned has been through watching other storytellers from afar. Most of the mentors who I interacted with directly either left because life took us in different directions or wound up emotionally abusing me. The ones I looked up to from afar have often revealed themselves as criminals, unfathomable assholes, extremists, or otherwise creepy. Usually they didn’t start that way. Going through this has broken my heart a lot. It feels like mourning a death repeatedly, not because the people I looked up to weren’t perfect but because they wound up being so unbelievably awful. One of the only times I tried to tell a writer how much his work shaped my life for the better, when he was feeling doubtful about his stories--I think I upset him. It still makes me cry a lot if I think about it and I’m afraid to talk about the subject with him ever again. I tried to give him one of the most precious experiences I’ve had as a reader and creator so that in moments he questioned himself he could know he brightened at least one person’s world and changed my life for the better. I feel like he took it as something ugly, creepy, fawning, shallow, or thoughtless. And I feel like the fact that I’ve had so many horrible experiences that this creator DIDN’T fall into, that his being a positive influence mattered to me so much, is something shameful. I still don’t know what to do about this but it really hurts. Anyway. I’m loyal to the FFXIV developers for a lot of reasons. Some are because they’re passionate, thoughtful, skilled, creative and have worked their asses off on this game even when it’s hard. They also clearly care about their fans, the work they’re creating, and just haven’t been pieces of shit. They’ve been really professional, they act within the bounds of what I expect from regular law-abiding human beings, and the way they approach storytelling has helped me reconnect with the inspiration that got me into stories in the first place. I’m sure every single one of them has said something horrible to a loved one in private during their lifetime, or has an opinion I’d find crappy. I figure that’s just how it goes with people. But on the whole they’ve been incredibly decent, when I’ve learned decency isn’t something I can take for granted. The devs aren’t perfect. They fuck up their work sometimes, even massively. There have been cases it happened on a narrative front for me, or some play-based issue, or a character customization element, etc. For me though, they generally have been good about fixing mistakes and the overall experience has been UNBELIEVABLY better than what I’ve experienced elsewhere. It’s easy for me to go ‘of course I still like them’. I might be frustrated about something occasionally, but it’s not even comparable to fuckery I’ve encountered. I was a dumbass and tried to post on the FFXIV forums expressing that it’s important they fix some recent shit going on, but that the devs have still done a lot and are respected/appreciated for the good things they did too. I posted there because the devs read forums sometimes. I’ve been pretty removed but I figure they fucked up housing and hairs AND know they fucked up those things pretty bad. I remember how much stress was obviously caused by the EW delay too, so this must be terrible. If I was in that position I’d be losing my shit, so as a player I wanted to offer some reassurance. Like yeah, fix the problems--but they’re human beings. This will pass, take care of it and keep going. It’ll be okay. I would not have offered that kind of encouragement if I didn’t have so many other, positive experiences. And I really didn’t mean it toward the company but the people who have specifically worked to create this game that brought something good into my life. Stupid me didn’t check what other threads were going on, and it's been years since I was there last. Holy fuck people were dicks. The ‘if you’re not 100% with us you’re against us’ mentality was insane. Also, the obsession about toxic positivity seems to have turned into ‘any positivity or optimism in bad situations is toxic, only negativity is okay.’ I absolutely HATE polarization and extremes. I hate that believing something wasn’t okay and needs to be fixed can’t co-exist with ‘I still respect, appreciate, and am impressed by other stuff you did recently’. I hate the idea that still having such deep respect for a story means I can’t have any criticism for it. And the behavior people showed was over a fucking video game. There is so much heavy shit going on in the world, you’re seriously going to pour all of your rage into that? Not just yelling at game developers when you haven’t tried talking like a normal person yet, but lashing out at anyone who isn’t also yelling? I didn’t phrase things the best myself, and I did get hostile back. I shouldn’t have, but the nastiness was so fucking unnecessary. You’d think Square Enix broke into people’s houses and kidnapped their pets, with me arguing SE deserves the pets more. And it just didn’t matter if I said the issues are still important/need to be fixed, because I wasn’t angry enough about saying so. I was too gentle about it and that was offensive. It really felt like stumbling into an angry mob, and frankly I think mobs are some of the scariest and most disturbing things on the face of the earth. People got this idea that because I had good things to say about the devs that meant I didn’t think there were any valid complaints or that other people were allowed to complain and feel upset. It didn’t matter how many times I explicitly said otherwise either. I wasn’t an individual person with my own thoughts, experiences, or opinions. I represented all the ideas and behaviors they personally disliked. Just feel upset and like this whole thing was stupid.

[garbagevanfleet]

Brightest Blue (series)

PART SIX 

Pairing: Josh x reader Warnings: major marijuana usage!!  Summary:  Things are changing. New state. New school. New roommate. You just pray things are going to click into place. Notes: say hello to your new potential love interest - he’s cute, no? let’s see how he compares. 

As always, if you see @lantern-inthenight​, tell her thank you for being the very best editor. 

taglist: @valleyd0ll @satingrass-maidensfair @guitarfingers @thebohemianpenguin @peaceisouranthem @oblvions @hansonobsessed @myownparadise96 @lara-gvf @anditsmywholeheart @kill-fear-the-power-of-lies @bigblack-catattack​

On Monday it had dusted snow, but tragically, it had happened while you were in class. You hadn’t even known until you were leaving campus and had seen the lightest coating left on some spots of the grass by the treeline. 

When you got back to the apartment, Josh was already there, stirring a huge pot of something on the stove. The room smelled like a restaurant.

“Josh, oh my god, it snowed and I missed it!” you exclaimed, tossing your jacket over the back of the chair. 

He paused what he was doing to look up at you and chuckled. “Don’t worry, I promise that’s not the last time.”

“What are you making?” you asked, padding across the linoleum to peer over his shoulder. 

“Vegetarian chili,” he answered, lifting a wooden spoon to your face. You blew on it for a moment before taking a taste. “It needs something, but I can’t figure out what.”

“I think it’s perfect,” you replied and meant it, suddenly excited to have a bowl of it. 

He hummed at you. “Thanks, but it’ll be a while before it’s done.”

You watched as he swiped the scraps from vegetables from the cutting table into the compost bucket. 

“You want to watch a movie tonight?” he asked. 

You frowned back at him. “I wish I could, but I’ve got a lot of work to do on my presentation. I’m supposed to be reading it to the class in like two days.”

“Alright,” he agreed, just a shade on the solemn side. There was one thing you knew for sure, and it was that there was a lot you would endure to make sure you didn’t have to see him looking sad. 

“I think I can still concentrate on it if I sit with you during a movie.” 

He laughed under his breath at your bargain. “It’s okay, you can work in your room instead if you’d like. Or, you can have the living room and I’ll keep to my bedroom.”

You scowled at him and pointedly replied, “Don’t be stupid, Joshua. Okay, I’ll make you a deal. I’m going to work on my paper until dinner time, then we can watch a movie.”

“I’ll take that deal.” He reached out and took your hand, shaking it once in a faux professional manner. 

“But, that means I have to work all night on it tomorrow,” you warned, looking directly into his eyes. 

He just grinned back mischievously. 

+++

“So, what happened?” you prompted, dipping a spoon into a cup of strawberry yogurt. Kate peeked up at you over the rim of her cup, crunching a piece of ice as she set it back down on the cafeteria table. 

You had been expecting Josh to join you for lunch, but you’d gotten a text telling you that he had to bail to work on production stuff and he’d see you later. You had been a bit disappointed, but you had to admit that you envied his dedication. Plus, you had Kate to keep you company. 

She poured more of her Diet Cherry Coke from the bottle into the cup of ice as she talked. “Not much, honestly.” She looked like she was going to continue until her gaze caught on something over your shoulder. 

You were just about to turn your head to find what she was looking at when she spoke again abruptly, making you halt all movement. “Don’t look, but there’s a guy by the vending machine that keeps looking at you.” 

You gave her a surprised look. “Oh, what does he look like?”

“He’s kinda handsome - short blonde hair, probably a little taller than you, a little shorter than me.” She paused, fiddling with the cap of her soda bottle as he snuck peeks at him from across the room. “Okay, quick look.”

You chanced a glance over your shoulder and hummed as you turned back to her. “I think I’ve seen him around. I don’t really know him though,” you stated. “Are you sure he’s not looking at you?”

She huffed amusedly at you. “Pretty sure he’s not.”

“Ooh, speaking of,” you started, reaching out and nabbing one of the waffle fries off of her plate and popping it into your mouth. “Have you been texting Jake?” 

“Not really.” A scarlet-colored smile was forming on her lips. 

“Does that mean yes?” you pressed when you realized that was all the information she was going to give you. 

She shrugged at you, already collecting the remainder of her lunch to toss away with a cheeky look. 

It wasn’t until your last class that you realized where you’d seen that boy before, and embarrassingly, it wasn’t until he was already sitting next to you. 

You glanced over at him, trying not to look too surprised. 

“Hey, do you care if I take this spot today?” he asked, seemingly knowing what your answer would be. You kind of wanted to say no, just to prove him wrong. 

“Yeah, sure,” you agreed sweetly instead. 

“I hope this isn’t weird, but I saw you at Bennie’s party on Saturday and I guess I just wanted to formally introduce myself. I’m Trevor.”

He held out an open palm for you to take, and you cautiously did. “It’s nice to meet you.”

He looked pleased that this was going as smoothly as he had clearly intended - not that he was lacking confidence, but something about his facial posture told you he had expected you to give him a hard time. 

“So, I’m not going to lie, this is partly because you seem to be really good at this class, but would you like to study together sometime? We could maybe get coffee after class.”

You looked at him for a silent beat before replying. “What’s the other part of the reason?”

“You seem nice, and I think you’re very pretty,” he said honestly, giving you a smile. 

You mirrored it back to him with a nod. “Coffee sounds nice.”

+++

You had made it a point to message Kate, telling her exactly where you were and who you were with, and you had texted Josh, telling him you’d be back in a couple of hours. 

Trevor was nice and somewhat funny. He seemed a little intellectually shallow, but you couldn’t actually judge that from an hour and a half long hang out in a coffee shop. 

When you got back to your apartment and checked your phone, you had six messages from Kate. 

Oh i’m kinda shocked

Good for you tho

Is he cuter up close?

Are you guys actually studding

*studying

i’m going to ask around and see if anyone knows anything about him

You snickered to yourself as you were reading them, before quickly typing back, let me know what you find out tomorrow. 

You were greeted by an empty living room and kitchen, but you could see that Josh’s bedroom light was on, so you headed that way as you shedded your extra layers of clothing. 

You knocked on the door frame, though the door was wide open to reveal Josh laying out on his bed with a lit joint between his lips and Penny on his bedside table. Folk music was playing from his laptop in a tinny quality. 

He peeked an eye open at the sound of your entrance, greeting you with a smile. 

“You’re not falling asleep with a lit spliff, are you?” 

“This is my second one,” he replied as if that was supposed to answer your question or quell your concern. “You want some? Or do you want to work on your paper?”

You ran your teeth over your bottom lip. “I finished my paper in class today. My professor gave us the whole period to work on it.”

He perked up then. “I can’t help but notice that wasn’t a no.” And after a pause he finished, “And congratulations - I’m proud of you.”

You gave him an awkward thumbs up that he promptly barked a laugh at.

 “You wanna?”

“I’ve never smoked before,” you reminded him like it might change his mind. 

“C’mere. I’ll help you.” 

You held a finger up at him. “Hang on, I’m going to change. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t want my new sweater to smell like pot, dude.” 

You returned back in your pajamas, still nervous, but now comfy. He patted the spot in front of him on his bed, prompting you to clamber on. Once you were situated, you tugged his comforter over your shoulders from where it was bunched up at the bottom of his bed. 

“Are you good?” he asked. 

You nodded at him, nervous enough that he could sense it. 

“I’m going to shotgun you, okay?” He put his hand on your knee for comfort, and you had to admit that the touch helped ground you. 

“Okay,” you replied quickly. 

“Okay?” he prompted again, looking less convinced. 

“What does shotgun mean?” you whispered like it was a secret, making him giggle into his shoulder. 

“I’m going to blow the smoke into your mouth. Since it’s your first time, I don’t want you to get super high.”

“Oh. Yeah, that wouldn’t be good,” you agreed. 

“Okay, I’m going to take a drag, and you’re going to open your mouth and suck in the smoke when I blow it out.”

You watched him raise the paper to his lips, the cherry turning bright orange as he inhaled. It wasn’t until he leaned forward with a closed mouth that you realized how...intimate the moment was. 

You weren’t positive he wasn’t going to press his lips directly to yours until you opened your mouth and pulled in his exhale. 

“Hold it in a second if you can,” he instructed, his voice a bit deeper from the smoke. 

You did as you were told, grimacing as you exhaled. “It tastes like dirty socks.”

He snorted a laugh, tipping his head back until it was rested against the wall. 

“I’m not sure what I expected though, because it also smells like dirty socks,” you continued, prompting his laughing to continue until he was sighing contentedly. 

“That’s cute,” he said through a grin. “Innocent.”

You could feel your cheeks warming by the second. You rolled your eyes at him playfully. 

“Do you feel anything?” he asked, sitting back up to attend to you. 

You shook your head. “Not really,” you admitted. 

“You wanna try again? You can just take a hit yourself if you want.”

“Actually could you do it again?” you asked, embarrassed, but not enough so that you were willing to do it alone. 

He gave you a grin, lifting the blunt back to his lips, but this time when he leaned forward, the fingers of his right hand found your jawline, pulling you into him too. When he blew the smoke to you, it was just inches from your lips, and this time you drank it in, forcing it deep into your lungs and holding it there. 

It started to hit you moments after you exhaled it - this pleasant, warm feeling. 

“Hang on,” you said excitedly, throwing the blanket off of you as you scrambled to get off the bed. When you returned you had a little speaker and your phone. The playlist that the two of you had collaborated on for cleaning days started playing, and even though he was laying out flat on his bed, you could see his lips turn up into a smile. 

You laid next to him, resting your head on his arm and giving a pleasant sigh. 

“What’s it feel like?” he asked, a rasp behind the words. He lolled his head to the side to look at you. 

“Warm and fuzzy. Kinda like being in love or seeing a really cute kitten. But also kinda like being on a sailboat in the middle of...I don’t know, some European sea. I can’t think of a single one right now if I’m being honest though.”

When you met his eyes, he was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “Damn, that’s awesome.”

He sat up on his elbow and reached past you to grab something from his nightstand. You were going to look and see what it was, but staring at the little speckles of plaster on his ceiling was suddenly the best thing you’d ever experienced. 

“Do you always wear cologne?” you asked, suddenly unsure if you were talking really slowly or if your brain just couldn’t process the sound on time. 

“Usually.” When you were able to look over at him, he had a bag of Tootsie Pops by his side, one of the sticks hanging out of his mouth. “You want one?”

You agreed by holding out your hand, letting him give you whatever flavor chance had picked for you. 

He had unwrapped it already, which you thanked him for as the flavor of grape hit your tongue. 

“What flavor did you get?” you asked, turning over so you could lay on your stomach, head propped up by your hands. 

“Cherry,” he replied through a smile, opening his mouth to show you after he asked, “Is my tongue red?”

You giggled at him. “Yeah, it definitely is.”

There was a long, comfortable pause, but you were in no state to determine how long it lasted. 

“I went on a date today.” It came out like an admission, despite your efforts to keep the statement casual. 

He had an impressed look on his face ”Oh, yeah? With who?”

He sat up with what looked like some effort until he was sitting cross-legged. You breathed a laugh, casting your eyes to the pendant of his necklace where it rested against his sternum.

“This guy, Trevor.”

The shocked smile he gave you felt a little surreal in your state. “I didn’t know you even knew any other people here.”

“I actually met him today,” you admitted. 

“And you went on a date with him?” And before you could answer, he continued. “How did it go?”

“It wasn’t really a date, per se. We just had coffee,” you informed. “And, actually, I even bought my own. “

He raised his eyebrows at you until you realized he wanted you to answer the other part of his question. 

“Oh, it was okay. I liked him.”

“Was he kind to you?” he asked, keeping his expression level. 

You nodded. “Yeah, he was. He offered to get my coffee, but I didn’t want him to think he was like. Doing me some big favor, you know?”

Josh huffed a laugh. “That sounds about right. Sounds like you.”

“We made plans for him to come over on Thursday and study.”

Josh tossed the stick of his sucker across the room, landing it perfectly in the little trash can by his door. “Would you like me to be gone for that?”

You frowned at nothing in particular. “Two things. One, how did you just make that shot? I can’t even move. And two, no, why would I want you to go?”

He shrugged, popping another sucker into his mouth. “I’m full of surprises, you’ve just gotta stick around.”

“Well, I live here so I don’t think that’ll be a problem.” The way you had muttered made him smirk at you. “But no, you obviously don’t have to leave while he’s here. Actually, I’d prefer if you didn’t - I don’t know him very well.”

Josh looked up at you through his lashes for a moment. “Then I’ll be here.”

The both of you hung out on his bed for an indiscernible amount of time, and not once did you ever feel less high. You had intended to get up and brush your teeth, but it didn’t happen, and there was nothing you could do about it. Your eyelids started to feel heavier than you could ever remember them being - like something had ahold of your leg and was dragging you down into sleep. 

The last thing you could recall was the sound of Josh’s smoked-out voice, quietly humming along to the chorus of a song and the visualization of the sound behind your eyes, sweeping back and forth between notes. 

[dariaslore]

Birds

Set during the Coven's days. Griffin finds out about Valtor's demon form and things may be darker than they seem. Will she go away? Warnings: angst, dark stuff, some contents may be triggering.

She couldn't sleep.

He had told her he would be away all night, when dark magic was stronger and could be practiced at the highest levels. It was one of the many training sessions with his mothers, her presence wasn't allowed this time, the meeting was strictly reserved to the wizard and the three witches. At first they didn't take place frequently, but since a few months, now that the Company of Light was proving to be more of a threat, she had found herself spending more nights alone than usual, holed up in the mansion's library, waiting for his return. He came back extremely tired, without even the strenght to speak, his only desire was to lose himself in the night, hugging her like a safe port.

That night, too much time had gone by. It was three in the morning and he still wasn't by her side. Anxiety was devouring her, tossing and turning in bed, then she would get up and walk back and forth the room, trying to kill time. She would grab a book just to throw it away a minute later. Half a cigarette smoked, the rest was garbage, now she would light up a new one. She couldn't find peace, she knew the three witches and every scar on Valtor's body as well. They always wanted more and more and were never satisfied, he was up for anything just to gain a bit of their approval. And this was lethal.

She left the room they shared and, as her feet were pounding on the floor faster and faster, looked for the room where training usually took place. And there he was.

Gasping, hands shaking and her gaze caught by fear.

She opened the door. The pungent smell of iron flooded her nostrils. She decided to follow its scent. She felt her airway closing and blurring sight, icy needles paralyzed her heart. Her vocal cords refused to vibrate the unspeakable horror in front of her eyes. A connection had been cut off, her pulsating golden irises were screaming and the sound was dying inside of them.

She saw him tossed into the darkest corner of the room, like a used and forgotten toy.

Bowed head, his face hidden by his blond hair in an act of shameless shame. He was shaking, had goosebumps, and she could see his ribs move through the swollen white skin as he breathed. He had never looked so thin and frail, his figure so thin compared to the red scales that swallowed him bite after bite. They started sporadic from his chest and then slowly thicken on his arms and hands deformed into long claws. They painted the portrait of a beast and found maximum expression in the two huge red wings wrapped in a shield, protecting him from the cold of the outside world in an embrace. It looked like the monster was trying to save its own prey. It emphasized the misery, the greatness and strength of the red hunter and the labored breathing of its pale victim. Naked and with his back torn.

Blood overflowed copiously, snaked elegantly dragging its red vital flow downstream, it marked the grooves of his ribs and suddenly fell silent, insinuating itself between the inanimate tiles of the mosaic on the floor. His milky skin was imprisoned in a network of faults of flesh torn apart by the fiercest of beasts. It was scarred, its edges matched perfectly with the width of the claws of his hands, she could feel their power sink into his taut muscle fibers, stretch them to the ends like springs, and tear them away as waste material, a further obstacle to the main organ that he was burning to find. So he dug again, and again, in an unbridled greed for a proof of his humanity. The pain wasn't enough, he wouldn't stop until his claws gripped his beating heart. He had to tear the flesh, the dress of his existence that now felt too tight with the darkness that threatened to overflow and pick him up again in its coils.

"Go away..." he murmured.

Valtor had perceived her presence ever since she had stepped in, fear washing through her veins. She was the last person in the universe who could see him reduced to that. He trusted her, she had been the first person to dig under his surface of powerful narcissist wizard, making him discover a different person. Before her were all the things that weren't and would never be. He was never going to sleep with anyone, he did with her, he had never had a real friend, his mothers had taught him to calculate everything based on utility and how anyone was just a pawn on a chessboard. He had aquaintances, many flirts with countless women and men, and he was never the one in love. And neither were they. For each of his lovers he already knew, the moment when he left their bed, that all that would remain was one more meaningless hot night, an exercise of the word love. They all carried out in the same way, with an absence of words, and he was conscious of being but an object of lust due to his body and his power. And then, she came into his life, the only woman immune to his fiery charme and who even seemed to hate him. He had never spent an entire night on a sofa eating junk food and talking of the most diverse topics, he did with her. He had never received a hug, she hugged him, after a mission with a positive resolution. He never cared for the feelings of others, now he couldn't stand sadness to veil her eyes. She had occupied his heart and not only he loved her madly, she was also his best and only friend. He trusted her, but he didn't trust himself and the monstruosity living inside of him.

"Valtor..."

She couldn't believe it was him. She spelled his name with dragging slowness, almost reluctant to attribute the name of the man she loved to that foul creature. It was him, it had taken two words, a plead to walk out the door and go away.

"Griffin, please, go away, now."

"You're hurt" she said when the only thing her spinning mind could still focus on were his wounds.

"Go away!"

"I wanna help you."

A loud roar cut through the air, and she found herself on the ground, overcome by the power of his claws. It burned and shone bright red on her thigh between the silk of her nightgown, it wasn't too deep, a shallow cut. He had hurt her on purpose for the first time.

Another scream and another sob. Valtor was looking at his hands with wide eyes. He was forced to protect her in the only way his other self knew: violence.

"Are you happy now I've hurt you? Help me? Who do you want to help, a beast? I'm a freak. Look at me Griffin, look!" he cried amid sobs that threatened to suffocate him, too large and noisy that struck his lungs like prisoners in a desperate flight to freedom. A distorted chant broke his larynx, his swan song.

Lying on the floor with an itching cut and blurred thinking, she saw right through Valtor.

She had already heard of those feathered winged creatures earthlings believed in. She realized he was an angel. A fallen one.

He wasn't born for all of this. He was a creature of pure light bound to an eternal exile in darkness, and although the flame that burned within him tended to return to its original light source, it was held back by the iron fist of darkness. She was a creature of the dark too, a witch, but she had decided to be one, he was tainted and that made him the greatest shadow of all. The monster that enveloped him, moving the threads of his very existence, fed every day on the fiery light of his soul, now reduced to a mere flame. His monstrousness came from this destructive coexistence between light and dark, in which only one of the two would have definitively won. The flame burned, it couldn't keep silent and was responsible for his injured back. Darkness was close to him, so he had scratched it off, like a stain on a piece of precious silverware, he wanted to perform a desperate act of purification through his blood to finally wash himself away from the darkness and to get back to the pure light being he had always been meant to be. At least once.

It was written in his eyes which were shyly looking at her through his hair's wheat strands, although he tried to hide them under layers of ice and indifference. His pupils were imprisoned in a web of red capillaries, but they still managed to keep their last drop of pure humanity. It wasn't the same look he gave her every night as he adored her body, neither that of the sarcastic and ironic wizard, it was the one of every time his mothers would have criticized him, of when he tried in every way possibile to impress her, just to snatch her a compliment or a smile. In those moments he tore his heart out of his chest and fed it to his tormentor, craving for trivial affections.

She got up from the floor confident and proud, knowing what to do.

"Go away!" he yelled.

Griffin approached him ignoring all his moans and wrapped his face in her warm hands and traced every feature with her fingers. She felt the difference of texture between his skin and the red scales staining it. She stroked his nose, forehead and lips. She raised the corners of his lips, uncovering white fangs. She smiled and kissed him. Just a smack.

He was blown away, stuck in an idyll that tasted of her. Adrenaline was rushing, he had made it.

She grabbed his hand and looked him straight in the eye, the gold of her irises had never been so metallic. Maybe tired of lies, the purple-haired witch was so determined and a slave to curiosity that she delved into the darkest of truths, even one that would harm her. It wasn't over, she knew it. He was trying to play it cool, but with his eyes in a runaway dance and his smile crooked to the left, he had the classic facial expression of a child who had succeeded in getting away with something.

"Is that all? Is there anything else I should know?" she asked firmly.

That question was a cold shower. He shook his head. He was lying, there was so much more she should have known, the whole side of himself he never had control over. What she was seeing now was just a glimpse of the monster he saw every morning in the mirror, when all humanity crumbled to pieces and his eyes lost their pupils. But he still didn't want that kiss between them to be the last. She would have loved him until there was but a drop of man in him, but after that?

"You're lying Valtor. Show me, don't hold it back"

"Please, I can't!"

She would have run away. He was trying to become human again and she was asking him to show her the monster.

"Just do it!" she ordered, clenched fists and fixed pupils.

"Why are you doing this Griffin?"

She didn't answer him. She was emanating ice from all over her body, posture was stiff, back straight and lips tightened. She wouldn't give up until she got what she wanted.

He started changing, his body turning into the twisted fantasy of three long gone witches, and soon all human features were erased from his face. Stripped of his blond hair, abandoned to the ugliness of his inner skeleton. Now he was way bigger than her, the monster's palm almost the size of her entire face. All his senses were on the alert, looking for the easiest way to kill, the purpose for which it had been built. What she was in front of was a machine ready to kill, plus her neck was so thin.

She didn't even flinch. She did exactly what she had done beforehand. She watched the monster's facial expressions changing, how his blue stoney eyes were boring into her body, finding the most effective way to kill her. And then as if she had read his mind, placed that exact same palm she had held before around her fragile neck, playing the beast's game.

"It would be so easy, wouldn't it?

Damn, it would. The demon could feel her neck cracking under its strength and the air leaving her lungs in her last attempt to breathe.

"Squeeze, what are you waiting for?" she said giggling, but an invisible force was holding the creature back, incapable of applying any pressure. It screamed with rage, not realizing what was going on and why the smile on her face was getting progressively bigger and brighter. She enjoyed the fear flushing down her veins, it was too much to handle and that was making her steady. With her mind blank, she leaned over and with its hand still over her neck, kissed the creature on its mouth.

Leathery red scales began to retreat like clouds after a storm, finally letting his white skin breathe. The demon, his wings were gone.

Valtor broke down in her arms. He was too tired to express the growing happiness inside. He couldn't believe it, something like this had never happened before, getting rid of the other Valtor so quickly was an intangible dream. Everytime his mothers made him assume that form, he would spend hours of excruciating pain, waiting for the beast's claws to disappear. He holed up in the darkness, allowing himself to be consumed bite by bite, seeking in his mind an end to his labyrinth of torment. She had been the first one to get him out of there, a gleam of light at the end of the tunnel. He hoped it could've lasted forever.

He plunged into her eyes like a lost puppy, letting her capture his soul in her thick lashes.

"Don't I scare you? How can you kiss that beast? You must kill the monster Griffin, I'm begging you! Free me, save me, I can't bear it anymore! "

The more he tried to chase it away, the more he felt it crawl through his veins like a poisonous liquid. It was choking him from the inside, he could feel it making its way through his mind, it was making fun of his neurons in a black pool. He felt his head throbbing, unable to contain all that anger and hatred. He screamed in pain in a soundless space, one day he would tear his skull to pieces

"Where are you ?!" he said screaming at the top of his lungs. He couldn't see straight anymore, his whole body shaking with anxiety, blood rushing through his veins and his heart loudly pounding in his chest.

"Hush, I'm right here. I'm holding you, see?"

"D-don't leave ..." he begged her and rested his head on her chest.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you, look at me." She cupped his chin in her hand, so he could meet her gaze again.

"Come on, we must get to our room, your wounds are bleeding."

"Your thigh..." he glanced at her leg with his face twisted in horror. Guilt building up.

"It's just a scratch. A pinch of magic and it will go away. It doesn't even burn anymore!" Griffin tried to reassure him.

She concentrated and teleported them to their room in a quick snap of fingers.

"Can you stand up?" she asked him.

"I- I ..."

"Don't worry, I'll hold you. You can do it."

She put an arm around his shoulder and tried to hold him by the waist, taller and heavier than her, backing him was hard: she had to.

Valtor stood up. Pangs of pain. He was weak, his knees buckling, joints croaking, it was as if his bones were breaking from the inside out on by one. He groaned in protest.

"I know, hold on, it's just one more step."

He freed himself of her grip and met the soft mattress of the bed they shared.

Griffin helped him sit up, covered his lower body with blankets, then she placed her hands on his back, focused and chanted a spell. Wet: blood between her fingers. The magic tickled the torn cells giving them a smoother edge.

"I'll be right back." she said. Then she rushed to the bathroom and, in the wooden cabinet, she found a cotton cloth, some ointments, flasks and some bandages. His wounds were too extensive and deep, she had managed to stop the bleeding and somehow reduce their size, now she had to worry about disinfecting.

"This will hurt just a bit."

"Get your hands off of me, now!"

He spun around, his voice high and firm, swollen veins and a sunken neck. It was a defensive act, it seemed to her the desperate move of an hunted animal fleeing its tormentors, veins darting with fear and aggressive bearing, pretending to be the one who holds power. But she wasn't his mothers, she couldn't get upset, he wasn't lucid and this complete reversal of attitude was proof of that. He no longer held the reins of his thoughts, he was finally letting them gallop on their own, fragments of past and present intertwined together. He proceeded by associations of ideas in an increasingly blurred time boundary: the disinfectant burned like Tharma's lightnings on his legs.

"Calm down. I'm not here to hurt you." she said. She had all her senses alert, he approached her by burying his nose in the hollow of her neck, he smelled her skin, traces in the air, caught violet and amber.

"It's me. Look, it's just disinfectant." she reassured him by pointing to the bottle on the bedside table.

Valtor retrated, recognizing it was the woman he loved and not one of his mothers in front of him. His heartbeat became slow, shoulders down, now he almost seemed like a lifeless doll in front of her. He let her keep on her work without any complaints. She finished dressing, then she bandaged his wounds in deafening silence, she could only hear his breathing.

"Stay there." she whispered softly heading towards the little wooden cupboard in the room.

It had been her idea, she felt like a stranger in that house and the thought of going down four floors each time to get to the kitchen, risking meeting her witches, made her shiver. Of course, she was much freer than any member of the Coven, somehow the Ancestors respected her, listened to her plans and strategies carefully, never a word of mockery, all she had received in years of service was advice, few compliments and an expression she could not discern. They were alert, analyzing her, looking for flaws and weaknesses, Liliss stammered something out under her breath, the others two nodded. She felt watched, stalked, obsessed with the thought that sooner or later they would've chained her too in their perverse game. For this reason she avoided all actions, tried to keep relationships with the three as detached as possible, remaining a puzzle in front of the witch of illusions was her goal.

She opened the cupboard and placed the material on the table. She put some water in the electric kettle, opened the inlaid wooden casket and began to choose the most suitable herbs, lightly caressed each one, letting the fragrances dance in her lungs.

It reminded her of her dad, as she watched him as a child as he made her a cup of tea whenever she was down in the dumps. He caressed the herbs in his study with delicacy, immersing himself in the pungent smells, then he would call her beside him in that olfactory research, telling her the benefits of each plant and how to make the most of them, and it was the sharp rosemary for healing, mint for stress, balsamic anise. In that little corner of nature, with the well-known brilliant notes of the cedar peel and the skilled hands of her father who mashed the leaves, her mind relaxed.

She waited for the herbs to finish their brewing time, then she poured the tea into a white porcelain cup adding a teaspoon of honey.

"I made you some tea. It'll help you feel better. Open your mouth, please."

She softly blew on the cup, cooling it off just a bit, and brought it to his mouth. Valtor followed her command, the smell was heady, notes of lavender, hawthorn and red tea sang as the hot liquid ran down his throat.

When he had finished to drink, she put the empty cup away and wiped his lips with her thumb. She kissed him on the forehead and let him lay down, tucking the sheets.

"Griffin ..." Valtor suddenly mumbled.

"Tell me."

"I- I ..."

"It's okay, you can tell me whatever you want."

"Why are you not angry? I- I ... hid you a part of me."

She had no right to be angry. She couldn't be when those pure eyes were fixed on hers in search of certainties. He was looking for answers and confirmation in her words, when she at first still could not realize what she had just seen. Such nonsense could not be described and questioning was useless. What could be rational about the cuts he carried behind his back or the red scales that covered him? Nothing.

What was rational about the man usually full of himself who was now trembling with fear in front of her?

"Why should I-"

"You must be."

Rather, he wanted her to be. He wanted her to scream, spit every insult, every slimy truth, so that he could sink into the depths of his self-contempt. Yet, she was calm and taking care of him. He didn't deserve it and couldn't stand her stare full of love that should've been directed towards someone way better than him. He was a hero for trying to save her from the horror that bore his name and a coward for wanting her still by his side. She hadn't run away from fear and it pulled her even closer to his heart. It was killing him.

"I know, I should've told you." he continued. "My mothers created it, something I have no control over. They wanted to try a new spell today and things spiraled out of control and- "

"And you hurt your back." she said.

And it hadn't been even the first time.

He was 7 years old, missing incisors and messy blonde curls, when he used to curl up in a corner and gaze out at the sky and the garden below from the large living room windows. He envied the swallows, they were weak, tiny fragile bones destined for a meal to a larger predator, ephemeral existences with a noose around their necks given by the true and only mother nature, yet they sang, they whirled in the sky unaware of any danger in an eternal spring. It was the same with flowers, they would be waiting a whole year to show off their magnetic colors and then bound to perish in a sweet smell that penetrated his nostrils. They all died in a quick smile, almost a game of darts, they threw themselves at maximum power towards the target of no return, as if they didn't care about the ending, it was just a necessary condition for their fleeting beauty. They slowly went towards death not feeling its weight for their entire existence, nothing more than a momentum. Blink of an eye, his irises were now laying on the various paintings hanging around the room: Liliss had an obsession for art and each painting had to represent a specif mood of hers. There were battle scenes, clanging of swords, diaphanous women with bare breasts standing face to face with a young men gambling in the dim black of oil painting. Stormy seas, forests and then aimless flowers and seagulls. Why were they still? What had stolen their right to chase each other across the sky? Someone had decided to enchant them in a precise instant, in a fixed scene against their will, while their fellows whirled free. He felt sympathy for the water lilies forced not to close and for the always red apple stuck in the basket, perhaps because he himself was a still life, the flying, the wanting, the perishing were out of his will, the one of a lacquered image. It was crystal clear in the definition itself, still life, how could a being stained by nothing have vital momentum since its very conception wanted it still? He was still life. In a frame, sick with rot and alive in the stroke of the eternal puppet position imposed by his mothers. Rot bit into his bones, poisoned his nerves and threw them into a muddy puddle where the reflection did not match his will.

His child self decided he would free every little bird from the canvas and destroy all those paintings, he hated still lives, so he bit his lip as hard as he could until the taste of iron flooded his mouth. He moved on to something else, now the game was scratching his skin to color it pink, holding his breath with the utmost force. He learned to control his flames, wanted to test its power and chose his arms as a target. He was a teenager and as he shortened his hair with scissors, he thought what it must be like to stand in their place and be cut off. And he felt it on his skin. It wasn't like anyone would've noticed, the wounds merged with those inflicted by the Ancestors, leaving cords of raised skin. He was their toy, therefore he demanded to be broken and he would help them by making their job easier. Wasn't it what a good son must do?

"At least my blood is red, isn't it?" he said as he interrupted his flow of thoughts. Lips twisted into a sinister smile and wide eyes.

"Of course it is red, but what do you mean?" she replied bewildered.

"It's good news. I'm a beast, it could've been black or blue as well, but it is red just like yours."

His calm tone spelling poisonous words hit her like a shard leaving her heart shattered.

"You're no beast." she said.

"And what would I be if not a creature? These feelings, this warmth towards you, how do I know they're mine? How do I know they're not controlling me and you're just an illusion of Liliss? Are you real Griffin? Can you answer? "

His pupils dilated, he spoke to her in a swirling crescendo, his voice rose, it cracked, its rhythm accelerated hysterically, breathing short and broken, his fingertips digging deep into her arms' skin.

"You can't love me! You just saw it!" he spat out.

She stared in horror at the atrocity of those words. Reality was mangling her eardrums as a cat scratching on a chalkboard.

"Griffin, these eyes, this hair, are just a wrapper, a beautiful case for the most hideous of gifts. If I hadn't looked like this, would you have even looked at me? Would you have ever spoken to me or would you have run away?" he asked. He asked her what she would've done, when he was the one who wanted to escape the mirror every morning. He saw the monster chuckling there behind him, next to his immaculate reflection, laughing, enjoying the blond's stupidity for wanting to conceal his true essence, as if a line of defined eyeliner and eyebrows would've done the trick.

"You're still making questions." she whispered in wonder.

"I must know!" he screamed. "I need to know if you're willing to love a monster, because ... that's what I am."

Griffin cupped his cheeks, her hands so gentle and soothing, and she smiled, the most beautiful he had ever witnessed, a glimpse of light in the pit of darkness his life was.

"You're still questioning, Valtor. You're the answer. You want me to tell you that you are good, that you are a man, to confirm something that runs in your blood, and you still do not know what it is. The answer is your own self, in your doubts. You are worried, you are taking care of something and in this action there is humanity. I cannot give you the answers you are looking for, but I can say that I feel them here. "

She placed her hand on his heart.

"When the spark in you has gone out and your vocal cords no longer vibrate, with no doubt, you'll be a monster. Without even realizing it, you'll spread terror and death, emotions will be unknown to you. But you have those and they're beautiful. You're human, Valtor, this is why you hate the beast, hence you fight. But this back means giving up, these tears on your face, well, they're a victory. I hate the monster, as much as you do, but it's not the one with red scales and big wings. Your own monster is living inside your mind, it feeds off your insecurities and how I'd like to kill it off if I only could! Free you and look at the man, I can say it outloud I- I... L-lo-ve."

Her voice cracked, the word love hard as tears tried to find their way. She held them back and took his hand between hers, in what looked so much like a promise.

"Valtor, I'll never love the beast. I love you."

"What if I were to become one? Would you give up on me? Would you ever leave me in the dark, alone? You'll never leave, will you? Will you always be by my side? Don't lie, please."

The witch hugged him eagerly as her heart broke under the weight of the demons in his mind. The adult with the oversized ego had collapsed into a child to be protected.

She lay down beside him and slowly started stroking his hair, lulling him to sleep. Another sob.

"She left me Griffin, she left me alone in the darkness with that monster. I'm scared."

"Who left you?" she asked softly.

"Believe me, I was good, I had never done anything wrong. I was small, useless, and it was too strong, I couldn't beat it. I was afraid of the dark, and she wasn't there to protect me. So dark ..." he spoke feebly, he turned his head.

Eye frames the void, remembers a room with a forthcoming beast, roaring flames, pain. The vague phrasing, frightened of giving voice to his nightmares, chased his weaknesses with choked breath, tried to catch them one by one, but they were dripping off his lips.

"Who are you talking about?" Griffin asked shaking his hand, giving him all the courage to speak up his mothers never tried to give him.

"Mom." Valtor stammered, gasping. Without even the pronoun my, he was almost referring to entities out of time and space whose name trembled leaving his mouth. She knew he didn't have a mother, the blond man in her arms was a creation of the Ancestors, yet he was longing for a family, bonds made of genes and flesh.

"Mom left me and the darkness came for me. It was so cold, I couldn't move." Darts of frozen darkness, enveloped in himself like a shivering maggot. The creator speaks, the son obeys. The creator breaks his will, sets the rules, commands. Violence, punishment, obedience, blood and broken bones. The cold becomes stronger, snow cuts his face, the son gets tired, he begins to ask questions, he strives to know the purpose of everything. "Your purpose is us Valtor, without us you are nothing" Belladonna ruled.

No words, another cry that desperately asked to be given voice. He was hungry for love.

"I don't want to be a creation. I can't be their son, Griffin. I feel it, I sense it, even they are not that powerful to create life out of nothing. It's burning inside of me, I don't belong to this planet, Whisperia's not my home, but somehow I ended up here with them, the mighty son of the Three Witches. Maybe I wasn't a good child, was I? I wonder if she remembers me. I don't remember her, one moment she was there to hold me, the next she was gone. I can still imagine her touch and scent on my skin, I bet she smelled of roses, because I love roses, don't I? I ask myself where is she now, what is she doing and if she is proud me or if she ever loved me. But she's not here. Belladonna, Liliss, Tharma never left me, though. I know, they're definitely not the mothers of the year, but they never left me. I'm a weapon, I told you, the most powerful of them all, they can't lose me. They hate the man I am, but they appreciate the beast and therefore I'm sure they would never leave me.That's why deep down I think they may care about me, I got what they need. I love them."

He smiled as he tossed his head back among the silk cushions, knowing how much a fool he was making of himself. She was still there, strong and still as always.Trembling lips, every cell of her body was fibrillating, they wanted to detach from it and rush on him like thousands of shooting stars, build him a shelter, save him from his mothers and love him, giving him a bit of that care he had always been denied. She knew her love wasn't enough.

Meanwhile Valtor wondered how much easier it would've been to turn off the light and let himself be swallowed up in an endless dream. Darkness would become his new home, and without even the small glow of its flames, it wouldn't be dark anymore, just nothing. No sound, no fight. Maybe she could've been the one able of dragging him out the pit he had digged himself. He raised his head and tried to meet her gaze for the last time, his lids starting to feel heavy.

"Griffin I don't know how much longer I will be able to keep the monster away. That's why I need to know that no matter what you'll stay by my side. Will you? "

"I.."

Interrupted sentence.

He had already fallen asleep without even waiting for the answer to how much he wanted it to be positive. It was easier to unstich himself from reality and follow the threads towards the dreamlike enchantment, in which the canvas tapestry with their smiling faces imprinted would never unravel.

She sighed. It was her turn to cry now.

She didn't know. That was the answer that was so difficult for her and it was breaking her heart. All the words of courage and comfort that had come easily from her before were now dead in her throat, none of them were for her. She had seen his blood slipping right through her skin, she had touched what was the most intimate about him that somehow managed to appear so right as it sneaked into her bony hands. The red of his blood fingerprinted his pain, left her the keeper of what was dearest to him. As the sea after an undertow regurgitates its treasures on the beach, the darkness in him had left away the most precious of his secrets: she had felt his humanity, now it was up to her to decide whether to wash it away or dry it and no soap would have ever canceled it. She could not wash her hands, she looked at them in the twilight of the night, turned them again and again, searched for escape routes between the lines of her palms, but the more she squinted her eyes in search of a pattern, the further she was pushed away. He was now in her hands.

She threw herself into the silk of the bed and looked at him: eyes closed and his lashes tickled his cheeks slightly. How could a monster be so human? And she, how could she be so hypocritical, unable to give an answer and yet she was hugging him? And fuck, how much the cut on her leg hurt.

Perhaps their relationship was a ship on fire on the high seas. Water and fire, a beautiful tragedy to be consummated in sync until one annihilates the other. Water never dies, it changes shape. The heat of the fire would've forced it into crystalline darts that would hurt the sky like swallows at dawn.

She was a bird. A real one.

Birds fly away.

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (9/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Kevin

every Fox has bad days

some bad days begin with a specific feeling

when Andrew feels ghost hands as he wakes up, when he feels his body too tight for his bones, or hid bones too big for his body

when Neil feels every sound like a knife to his skin, when the scars on his face feel like phantom pains, when he feels a grown man moves too fast, too close to him

when Allison feels jeans cling too much to her thighs, when her shirt brushes too much on her abdomen, when she feels the food she ate resting in her stomach

some bad days begin with a specific date

when it’s the anniversary of Tilda’s death, and Aaron cannot be in the same room as Andrew, no matter how far they’ve come

when it’s the anniversary the Boyds’ divorce, and Matt can’t leave Dan’s side for one second, no matter how strong their relationship is

when it’s the anniversary of Mary’s death, of Evermore, of Nathaniel’s last birthday, of Baltimore, and Neil can’t take a single look at himself in the mirror, no matter how many times Andrew worships his face with his mouth and his fingers

or, when it’s the anniversary of Kayleigh Day’s death, and nobody remembers, not even Wymack, and Kevin is all alone with this grief that is other, unlike any other he carries everyday, unlike anything he can compare to, and he doesn’t know how to feel anymore

Kevin vividly remembers that day, and he sees it luring around the corner as August approaches

but this time, there is no more Riko to worry about, no more mafia to be scared of, no more Ravens to antagonize him, no more Master to punish him for even attempting to grieve every year

and no more alcohol to make him forget

Kevin quit drinking the day they won championship, they day Riko was killed died

it’s been a year and a half, now, and Kevin still wants to drink the minute things get hard mentally

(it’s also been a year and a half since the Foxes started getting onesies, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, and only Allison remembers that summer where it all started)

so when Kevin enters his bad days, his bad weeks, the Foxes are used to his mood swinging back and forth between Queen of Assholery and Feral Fox

but Kevin isn’t

he isn’t used to feeling all of this, to always think, and think, and think, until everything inside his head is as loud as the outside, until it’s all too much

yet he’s still expected to go on

still supposed to function, to perform, to be a decent human being when he’s not even sure he even feels human anymore

and so when Kevin snaps, the Foxes are supposed to be used to it

they’re not

nobody is

it’s summer practice

the 9 Foxes came in early, before the two new recruits arrive

Kevin is in the middle of yelling at Neil, who is very much yelling back at him

there’s that moment very full of testosterone where each of them throw away their gloves and helmets and sticks

they’re an inch from each other’s face and then Kevin suddenly… stops

he completely stops

his face goes blank, his feet move him back, his arms go slack

he looks at Neil, and he looks, and looks, and looks…

as if he could find an answer to a question he doesn’t know he’s asking

Neil, who has never learned to watch his mouth after all the trouble it got him into, keeps tearing into Kevin

Kevin keeps backing up and Neil keeps pushing further

but apart from his backwards movement, Kevin doesn’t react

pure apathy doesn’t suit him nearly as well as it did Andrew

the other Foxes are so silent, that between two of Neil’s breaths, they can all hear him whisper

“Stop.”

but Neil doesn’t hear him, or doesn’t want to

it gets so out of control, even Wymack has to step in, on the court, when he sees Kevin so unresponsive

it gets so bad, eventually Neil, too, stops his yelling and just looks at Kevin

and he looks, and looks, and looks…

as if he could understand the question Kevin is asking an answer for with his pleading, green eyes

“Stop… Just- stop. I can’t- anymore… “

Kevin shakes his head and looks at the floor as hatred and hurt grip his guts

he takes another step back

suddenly he jerks his head back up and looks at Neil

“I hate you. God, I hate all of you.”

he looks at all his Foxes

then leaves

Kevin Day leaves the court

behind his back, he doesn’t see Matt holding back a furious yet teary-eyed Dan

he doesn’t see Renee leaving her goal to join Andrew’s side, her big racquet blocking his way

he doesn’t see Nicky putting his hand on Neil’s shoulder, squeezing in empathy

he doesn’t see Allison throwing away her racquet against the plexiglass wall with all that she’s got, fuming and hiding her tears

he doesn’t see Wymack matching over to Neil, a whole speech ready to give Neil his piece of mind

and he certainly doesn’t see Aaron collapsing to the ground, his hands holding his head and gripping his hair, his breaths shallow, his jaw clenched shut, his eyes dry yet red-rimmed

but from behind Kevin’s back, none of them see him either

they can’t see him losing his breath as he starts running away

they can’t see him clenching and unclenching his left hand

and they certainly can’t see him crying

the week that follows is undeniably tense between all the Foxes

that week also coincides with a lot of events

there’s the new Foxes’ arrival

there’s the start of classes

there’s the mandatory psych session with Betsy before Exy season starts

and there’s August 27th

Mom’s accident

Kevin remembers the day vividly, he truly does

he remembers because the week of the accident, he was supposed to start school for the first time, on September 1st

he had picked his outfit for the first day, he had new red Exy-themed shoes, he had even planned the lunch he wanted to have that day in his lunchbox (spaghetti squash casserole. yeah, weird kid.)

on August 27th, Mom didn’t come home

on August 27th, he went to the Moriyama property

on August 27th, he settled into a weirdly well-accommodated room that fit both him and Riko

on September 1st, he woke up with Riko and they prepared for their first day

on September 1st, Kevin wore his planned outfit, put on his red shoes

on September 1st, Kevin did not have spaghetti squash casserole

she left him nothing but an aversion for squash, red shoes, and Exy

which brings us as to why, on August 27th, as all the team is mandated to talk an hour with Betsy Dobson, Kevin Day volunteers to go first (with Aaron volunteering to go second and be the designated driver for the pair)

none of the Foxes have really talked to Kevin since the previous week’s outburst

Kevin has no other outlet for this painful day

it’s either talk to Betsy, or ruin 496 days of sobriety with one vodka bottle

the only words exchanged between Kevin and Aaron, on the drive to Reddin Medical Center, are, surprisingly, from Kevin

“Somebody should get you a new goddamn car.”

he doesn’t elaborate further than that, but Aaron looks at him strangely

his car really is garbage, though

once arrived at their destination, Kevin doesn’t wait for Aaron and bursts in Betsy’s office without warning

it takes at least half an hour of Betsy talking before Kevin gives up his silence

everything was already there, he just had to open his mouth and let his words fall

Kevin: I’ve been sober for 496 days. I’ve been thinking about my Mom’s anniversary for the past few weeks. That’s today, now. And last Friday, I told Neil, then the whole team, that I hated them. Care to unpack that for me?

Betsy: I can help you sort some things out, of course, Kevin. But this is your baggage. I’m afraid I can’t do this without your help. Why don’t you tell me more about this hatred you feel towards your teammates?

Kevin: I dont. Hate them. I don’t… I hate what they do to me. How they treat me. Their double standards. How they forget, how they dismiss. Mind you, I’m well aware of my asshole status. I know I am. But them… they’re… they’re mean. Vicious. They cut and stab and don’t care about what’s underneath. They don’t care that I helped them get the title of Champions. They don’t care that I was there every step of the way, that I was right there beside them when we played the Ravens, when we won. They don’t care that Riko died, that he once broke my hand, that I was legally kidnapped, that I went through hell and still lived to walk on my own two feet. They don’t care that I, too, once had a mom. They don’t care that my Mom died. They don’t care. To them, I’m still just a cunt. It’s unbearable. They don’t give a shit and I’m so, so tired, Betsy. I’m not asking for much. I just want… I want- I want them to let me breathe. I want them to realize that, I’m just like them. I’m a Fox. I’m a Fox as much as they are. I wake up everyday, and feel all this weight on my shoulders, in my stomach, on my heart, but I carry on anyways, and I don’t know why, but I do, just like them. Is that so hard to grasp? Is that so hard to accept? What am I doing wrong, Betsy?

Betsy: Oh, Kevin…

the rest of the session passes in a blur

Kevin talks about how every time he takes a photograph, he thinks of Kayleigh, of how brightly she smiles in all the photos Wymack has of her, of how he wishes he could take pictures of her with his own camera

Kevin talks about how every strong woman in the Irish folklore he reads about wears Kayleigh’s face

Kevin talks about how he thought Thea had been a bit like her, and how, in the end, she hadn’t been at all, she was her own woman, a woman he didn’t know and didn’t love, and how he thought he had lost a bit of Kayleigh again when they separated

Kevin talks

he talks

and Betsy listens

when his time is up, Kevin’s voice is hoarse with exhaustion and sadness

he lets Aaron in as he decides to take a run back to Fox Tower

his mind tries to guilt him into going back to the court, but between facing the Foxes after that and isolating himself in his dorm, Kevin knows what’s best for him

he is only disturbed in the late evening, when Wymack enters the dorm

even Neil, Andrew and Nicky hadn’t come back yet

Kevin knows something is wrong

Wymack isn’t supposed to be here

Wymack: Day… Listen, son.

Kevin sits up on his bed

Wymack: Argh, I’ll cut the bullshit. It’s Abby. There’s been an accident. Her car’s fucking scrap metal now. She was brought to the hospital 45 minutes ago, I just got the call. She’s going into surgery. We’ll all visit her in the morning.

Not again

Not Abby

What the fuck is this life?

Wymack: Number Seven wants to see you now. Don’t ask me why, I don’t wanna know. I’ll let her in, don’t make me regret this. Sleep good, son. I’ll see you tomorrow.

he opens the door, takes one last look at Kevin’s tense form, and leaves as Allison comes in

she’s wearing her giraffe onesie tied at the waist, with an oversized WALKER 09 t-shirt

she stands in front of Kevin until he looks up at her

Allison: Scoot over. We’re watching The Crown.

and Kevin, dumbfounded, lets her and moves

he finds himself quite intrigued by the storyline, enough to only worry about Abby with his fingers, fiddling with one of the giraffe’s horns

after the third or fourth episode, Allison starts to talk, eyeing Kevin’s fingers playing with her onesie

Allison: Wanna know the latest gossip? Even Andrew has a onesie, now. God, I can’t believe this is a sentence that exists. Andrew Minyard owns a fucking onesie. Do you know what that makes you?

Kevin stays silent, eyes fixed somewhere not quite on Ally’s laptop screen

Allison: That makes you the only Fox without one.

Kevin: Oh, so now I’m a Fox? Didn’t seem that way earlier. Or, like, ever.

the dealer chooses her next words very carefully

Allison: Just because we hadn’t seen it yet, just because we were too busy stuffing our heads up our asses, doesn’t mean you weren’t a Fox… I know, I know. Hard to feel like one when the others give you shit non-stop. Been there, done that. And now I’ve done it to you, too, and I’m… Sorry. We’re dysfunctional, there’s no changing that. But- We can do better. We’ll try, promise. I think you’ve made quite an impression on Betsy today, ‘cause we all received a good talk from her during our sessions. I mean, don’t expect Andrew running in to apologize, but, you know… Something about Betsy turning severe makes you re-evaluate your life choices. We’ll do better, Day.

Kevin looks at her, then

really looks at her

and nods

yet just as he turns his attention back to the screen, Allison leaves the Netflix page and googles “onesie adult”

Kevin: Oh, no. Absolutely not. Nope.

Allison: Oh, yes, yes, yessss!

but then, of course, there’s a knock at the door, and Allison gets up, opens the door, lets the person in, whispers something, and leaves

just like that

and oh

It’s Aaron

Aaron: So… Allison tells me you’re finally getting yourself one of those stupid pajamas too?

Kevin: I am not. What are you doing here anyway? The others will be back soon, I assume.

Aaron: Well, it’s my shift…

Kevin: Your what now?

Aaron: No, it’s not like that! We just… We thought you’d want some space because of… today… But then Abby… We didn’t want you to be alone.

Kevin: Really. Who’s “we”?

Aaron: The proud Palmetto State Foxes’ Exy team. All of them. You know, Dan, Matt, Renee, Allison, Andrew and Neil, Nicky… Me.

once again, Kevin can’t help but stare, deeply surprised

Aaron: Andrew and the others will be back for the whole night, but for now, it’s my turn. I wanted to take the first “watch”, but Allison said she had business to do with you. And I’m not getting in the way of that woman.

Kevin honest-to-God snorts

Kevin: If by “business” she meant bullying me into buying this onesie shit, then you should have gotten in her way. I’m not doing that. It’s fucking dumb.

Aaron: Hey!

Kevin: Aaron Minyard, don’t tell me you’ve participated in this madness…

Aaron: So what if I have? It wasn’t exactly on purpose, but I got one. And you don’t. So really, who’s dumb here?

Kevin: What is it??

Aaron: Not telling you.

Kevin: C’mon…

Aaron: Nope. You can’t bribe me. I’m not telling you shit. However, what I can telling you, is that it feels kinda wrong that we all have a pajama and you don’t…

Kevin: Oh my God, fine! What did the others get?

Aaron: Well, besides Ally’s giraffe, we got a tiger, a dinosaur, a teddy bear, you’ve seen Nicky’s unicorn nonsense, and I’m not quite sure about Andrew’s… Oh, and Neil’s is a fox, obviously. That predictable dumbass.

Kevin: Okay, well, I want a fox too.

Aaron: No, Kevin, you can’t.

Kevin: What? Why not!?

Aaron: Because. Neil’s already got a fox. Do you want to be a copycat AND a predictable dumbass?

and so until 1 AM, Kevin and Aaron bicker about each of Kevin’s suggestions (a Palmetto Foxes onesie, a USC Trojans onesie, an Irish-themed onesie, a white fox onesie, a gray fox onesie, and so on…)

when Andrew, Neil and Nicky come back into the dorm, Kevin’s almost laid all the way down on his bed, his head resting on Aaron’s elbow, as Aaron is sitting right next to him, laptop propped on a pillow and his fingers scrolling away

Aaron looks at Andrew, sighs, and looks at Kevin

they nod to each other, before Aaron gets up to go back to his dorm

Kevin sits up correctly when Aaaron is gone and Andrew approaches

Kevin pretends not to notice and googles one more idea, “brown fox onesie”

as he scrolls down and down and down, Andrew looks over his shoulder

and points at one picture

Andrew: That one. Now go to bed. We’re getting up at ass-o’clock tomorrow.

for the third time this evening, Kevin is shocked

he does look at Andrew’s pick attentively, though, and decides to go with it

that night, even if images of Abby covered in blood plague him for at least an hour, Kevin falls asleep to the memory of Aaron’s skin against his cheek, which somehow translates into dreams of Kayleigh resting both her hands on his cheeks as they sit in a field of wildflowers

a couple of weeks later, Kevin doesn’t tell the team his onesie has arrived

but he is forced to admit it when, for Halloween, they organize a huge party for themselves only, where they decided to wear their pajamas as costumes for the night

Kevin feels so stupid in his outfit

he even had to buy a LARGE because he’s so fucking tall

but it still feels… comfy… warm… not so bad…

maybe this can work for him…

it’s only when he steps into the girls’ living room that a problem arises

Aaron: What the fuck is this.

Kevin: Hum… A brown fox? Technically, Neil’s is orange, so you can’t shit on me!

Aaron: That- That’s not a fox, Kevin! What the fuck.

Kevin: Okay, well what are you then?? A mutant mouse?

Aaron: What are you- Oh my God, you don’t know what Pokemons are.

with that, Aaron turns around and yells for his twin

Aaron: ANDREW JOSEPH FUCKING MINYARD. YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE, DIDN’T YOU? YOU BASTARD.

he storms off yelling

Kevin only reunites with Aaron at the end of the night, on the girls’ balcony, both sober

Kevin: You know, for someone who pushed me so much to do this stupid thing, you’re not being very nice about it. I know you wanted me to be “original” or whatever, but it’s not like I look like Neil! Why are you so upset?

Aaron: Kevin. It’s not a fox.

Kevin: Oh for God sake’s Aaron, you-

Aaron: It’s a Pokemon, Kevin. They’re like little monsters, kind of, and it’s a videogame, but there’s anime, manga, and collectible cards and… I used to- I used to collect those. Before. I lost them, now, but see this? This is one of them. It’s the main Pokemon, actually. His name’s Pikachu.

Kevin: Okay… Who am I, then?

Aaron: You… You’re Eevee.

Kevin: And what’s “Eevee”…?

Aaron: Pikachu’s girlfriend.

and oh.

Oh.

Kevin: Andrew didn’t tell me… The little fucker. I thought- Sorry. I didn’t mean to be another pawn in one of Andrew’s little games. Why did he do that to you?

Aaron: I think you know why.

Kevin looked at Aaron

Aaron looked at Kevin

Kevin: Fuck.

Aaron: Yeah, that.

Kevin: What?

Aaron: Nothing!

Kevin: Aaron.

Aaron: Kevin.

Kevin slowly invaded Aaron’s space until his back touched the railing, and placed one hand on each side of the backliner

Aaron looked up at Kevin

Kevin looked down at Aaron

Kevin: Okay?

Aaron: Okay.

and Kevin grabbed Aaaron by the hoodie of his pajama, and pulled him close, closer, closer, closer, until their lips met, at last

it was a long-awaited kiss, a careful kiss, a kiss of home and yes and oh and warmth and safe

Kevin reluctantly pulled away and rested his forehead on top of Aaron’s, knowing they have very little time before the other Foxes found them snogging on the balcony like a goddamn cliché

Kevin: Aaron.

Aaron: Kevin.

Kevin: I’m gonna ask you something stupid, and you can’t punch me for it, okay?

Aaron: Fine, okay.

Kevin: Do you want to be the Pikachu… to my Eevee?

Aaron: YOU FUCKING MORON!

and with that, Kevin burst out laughing, as if the Foxes’ attention wasn’t already on them the second Aaron started yelling

Allison and Matt knowingly started whooping with their beers raised for a toast

Dan was facepalming hard, shaking her head, but smiling nonetheless

Renee smiled her genuine, angelic smile while clapping Nicky on the back as he choked on his drink

Neil, arms crossed, watched the scene unfold with contentment

and Andrew. Andrew had no reaction at all. at all.

he was looking at his nails, no knife in sight, no fucks given

which, in Andrew’s language, meant everything

and so that October 31st was one for the books, the books about the good days, the good feelings, the good memories

because the Foxes had those, too

Kevin Day had good days

Aaron Minyard had good days

Allison Reynolds and Renee Walker had good days

Dan Wilds and Matt Boyd had good days

Nicky Hemmick had good days

Neil Josten had good days

even Andrew Minyard had good days

God knows they deserve them

these onesies, as silly, as stupid, as corny, as childish as they may be, were a proof of that

a proof that the Palmetto State Foxes could be better, could do better, and could get better

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru’s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.

[kuiinncedes]

'cause it's been years

jatp au - interlude - part 3/15? - 922 words

prologue | chapter 1

coming at you from a college campus for the first time akdshgfjksd a short lil interlude :D

i guess this is the first of some 👀 lil parts that don't exactly follow the show, or more like kinda fill in pieces that jatp doesn't actually show 😋 i've really liked writing these so far (lmao the Two i've written so far 🤪) and i'm really excited for these especially bc i can kinda change it up a little hehe

also just as an update i have the bright episode chapter (which will come next) fully written as well as the part after that, however i would like to write the flying solo episode chapter before posting bright and i haven't actually started Writing that i just have an outline soooooo . we'll see when that happens with school starting too lmao 🥴

warnings for this part: (spoilers for previous parts hehe) an attempt at angst and there's description of the car accident that bIamtina died in, and mention of their death

interlude title from "this band is back" from the julie and the phantoms soundtrack

read below the cut or on ao3 !! <3

Sam gets there first.

Something shatters loudly right beside him. He barely hears it, barely feels the pain before he’s floating, or falling, or both…

He sees the wreck from outside of it, from somewhere above it… one car barrelled directly into the side of another and sending them both skidding. He watches as the momentum is violently stopped by a building on the other side. Then he sees nothing.

It’s dark. Suffocatingly dark and silent. The… room? It’s solid under his feet. His eyes strain in pitch blackness.

He clenches his fingers. Moves his arms a little, slowly, pulling his hands through his hair. He sits down and breathes.

A few seconds pass, or maybe minutes, maybe hours -- he’s not sure -- but he finally feels someone there with him. He knows it’s Blaine.

He can stand back up, but can’t move his feet to take him to his bandmate, brother, best friend. But he hears him breathing, if a bit faintly, and it’s all he can have.

More time passes. Is time passing? It feels like a second and it feels like another eternity when he finally feels and hears Tina. Hears her sobbing, choking back gasps and loud tears, trying to swallow it down but failing. She seems impossibly close yet completely out of reach.

He wants to go to her; he still can’t move. He moves his mouth instead, trying to comfort her without touch. He doesn’t think it works. Her sobs continue to echo in the seemingly limitless space.

He wonders if they can hear him speak. A question to Blaine goes unanswered. Louder, and still. No, then.

He wonders if they can hear him at all. If they’re trying to speak as well, if they have come to the same conclusion.

As he sits, and more time passes, or maybe none at all, he thinks what a cruel eternity this would be, to have to listen to Tina’s far away sobs, starting and stopping occasionally, Blaine’s shallow breaths, and not be able to do anything. Not be able to spend it with them.

He thinks about Artie. Wonders if he’s okay, since he’s not here.

It should be a good thing, he thinks, that Artie isn’t with them in this unfathomable emptiness. And if this place is what he thinks it is, he is glad that Artie isn't here, but… it doesn’t feel like a good thing; the fourth presence is missing and he feels unfinished, in some in-between, he doesn’t feel whole.

He hugs his knees close, burying his face in his arms. It doesn’t make a difference; he still can’t see anything.

One time, his family ran out of power in a cruelly hot and unforgiving summer, and he stayed up a few nights, trying and failing to sleep in the heat, until the band found out and Artie offered him the studio to sleep in with his siblings while his parents looked for work.

That darkness was everything at the time, and is nothing compared to this.

At least his bandmates were within reach then -- Tina bringing them extra food, Blaine giving his siblings extra clothes, Artie giving them a space, all three providing their company and warmth -- more than within reach, their unconditional support all-encompassing and ever-present, light surrounding him when actual electricity couldn’t.

Here, he can’t reach them. It’s only dark, and there’s only their sounds and the presence he can feel, and even then there is one missing.

Or -- they’re actually the ones missing, he figures.

He thinks about the Orpheum, about the show they were coming from, about the show they were looking forward to, about how they were going to be legends.

And he just wants to get out of here. He wants to move, to see his friends, to hug them, to make sure they’re okay; he wants to play music, to perform with them. Everything about this feels so wrong and music with his band is something that always feels so, so right.

For a second, he thinks his wishes have been answered as he suddenly hears the familiar opening notes of the last song they ever played.

He does hear it. The recorded version, he recognizes -- from their demo.

Tina’s crying has stopped, and he thinks Blaine is holding his breath. He is, too.

The only sound now is the music, growing stronger and louder as if he’s getting closer to the source, but he still can’t move. Before he can question if it’s just in his head, he’s falling again, and definitely falling this time. A yell rips out of his throat and he hears his bandmates, his family, minus one, around him. His foot knocks into someone else’s; hair brushes his flailing hand.

They finally land hard on the ground. He groans loudly, rolling to the side and picking himself up. His body aches from the fall but not really -- more like he thinks he should ache but he doesn’t actually feel it. He looks around and is completely disoriented at seeing the studio, their studio, immediately recognizable but at the same time completely unfamiliar, looking like it belongs to someone else.

Blaine gets up beside him, and Tina is on Blaine’s other side. They all stumble a little as they right themselves, unused to the light and new surroundings. Old surroundings…. Well.

Blaine breathlessly asks the question they’re all thinking. None of them could know, so Sam doesn’t expect an answer.

They get one anyway -- from a complete stranger standing across the room.

[itstittycitybaby]

What is Lost is Once Found Again (Lin Beifong x fem! reader)

 A/N: this is the angst fic and i have finished editing it. been feeling down lately because of some things so whens a better time to write something angsty? also reader is a firebender bc i feel like firebenders do not get enough love. enjoy yall. 

warnings: angst, emotional/physical abuse, one homophobic slur.

You saw how happy they were. They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. The bouquet of flowers fell from your hands. Its petals falling like the pieces of your heart that shattered. Though, this was your fault wasn’t it? You had introduced them after all and they hit it off. The rest was history. She laughed; Tenzin had made her laugh. Your vision became blurry from the tears in your eyes. You wanted to scream. You had been too late. Lin looked over and waved at you. There was a grin on her face, something you never really saw from her. You swallowed the cry that threatened to claw its way out. The urge to vomit was strong. You waved back weakly. Their attention turned from you and back to them. The fresh wild flowers you had picked for her were now damaged. It didn’t matter anymore. She looked so happy standing next to him. Lin’s green eyes looked a bit soft as she noticed the bouquet. It was a rare sight to see her so happy. Her voice sounded blurry and muddled. It felt like you were watching a movie play out on the big screen of a theatre. Tenzin looked concerned at your state of being. Here you were standing in front of them but you seemed gone. Lin’s voice snapped you out of your daze. 

Her strong features pulled in concern as she called your name softly. “Are you alright?” No, you weren’t. You couldn’t tell Lin how much it hurt to see how happy she was with Tenzin. You couldn’t confess your feelings that you’ve been harboring for a while. Tenzin was your best friend and you didn’t want to ruin how joyful he was. If he knew he’d step aside and let you have her. He’d swallow it all down just for you. Blinking, your lips quivered. “I-I was just going to visit my father’s grave,” you lied. Their faces dropped; they knew how important your father had been to you. “Is that what you were going to give him,” Tenzin asked gently, head motioning to the now ruined flowers on the gravel. At that moment you hated Tenzin. He was so soft and kind that you felt guilty about falling in love with his girlfriend. You nodded, “Doesn’t matter anyways. I-I gotta go...see you later.” They tried to stop you; they called after you but you ignored them. She was gone now. You were too late. They were so enamored with each other now it didn’t matter anymore. The ache in your heart was deep. You felt anchored in the cold icy waters of the ocean but you couldn’t reach out. Cement blocks held your feet every time as you dragged through the sand. The ache in your bones became numb with the cold and every time you screamed you’d choke on the water. He makes her happy, you told yourself. I was too late.

Neither of them really talked to you anymore. It was expected, though. They were a new couple in the honeymoon phase. That’s how your mother put it, the alcohol in her system making her words slur and her movements clumsy. Your father’s anniversary of his death had passed a couple days ago and your mom became even more depressed. You fought the urge to scorch the walls that night when she spat her venomous words towards you. They were a sharp blade but you didn’t care. It would sink its blades into your skin and blood would rise. Eventually, it all became numb. Her sharp hilt of words became numb once more. “It’s your fault he’s dead. It’s your fault he’s gone.” The words stung but she was right. Your father’s death was your fault. “You know,” Tenzin started, his legs swinging off the steps of your porch. “My family will always welcome you.” It was cold that night. The freezing air bit your fingers and the wind whipped your clothes around. Tenzin had come to check up on you. He always did every anniversary. “I know,” you said softly. “I know.”

“No wonder she doesn’t talk to you anymore. A handsome and kind man sweeps Lin off of her feet. I’d do the same.” Your mother was sober this morning. She was back to her usual jabs but the eggs in front of you helped drown her out. You clenched your fork tightly, your knuckles turned white. “Too bad you couldn’t get him first.” You slammed your fist down on the counter. Flames flickered in your hands. Its tongues threatened to burn the counter you sat at. Your mother whipped around, eyes growing wide at your burning hands. You could feel how scared she was. She didn’t bother you anymore that day.

Dammit Tenzin! Lin’s room was warm compared to your frozen house. You always envied her for it but not tonight. You held her tight as she vented about her boyfriend. Well, now ex boyfriend. The thought made you scoff. Pema was a sweet girl but she was selfish. Incredibly selfish. “Am I just unloveable?” You snapped out of your thoughts. Lin didn’t shed any tears but her voice sounded so broken. “No Lin no,” you said softly, rubbing her shoulder supportively. “Tenzin’s just a dumbass. Pema is selfish and wanted to break two people’s happiness. Tenzin was stupid to got for it. You are loveable Lin.” I love you. Lin swallowed thickly; you could see her fighting the tears. “It’s stupid to cry over.” “No,” you exclaimed, pulling her into your chest. “It’s something perfectly justified to cry over! If you wanna cry you should, it’s good to cry.” “Heh. Thanks.”

 You smiled softly. The moon shone on her pale features beautifully through her bedroom window. You had snuck out that night but your mom had drunk herself to sleep. You couldn’t help but think how selfish Pema was to break two people apart. While you had kept your mouth shut and swallowed the hurt, she paraded around with Tenzin. Lin’s bedroom window was open after she helped you in. You felt guilty about throwing a small rock near her window. But, when you heard Tenzin had broken up with her from some gossip in town, you made haste to Lin. The box of fudge from the bakery you had bought for her was almost empty from eating both of your feelings. “Please don’t hurt him,” Lin said softly in your arms. Her eyes were heavy and her breathing was more shallow. “I’ll try not to,” you joked. She laughed. For the first time that night she laughed and your heart swelled at the thought. “Night Lin,” you whispered, setting her gently onto the bed. She snored softly, causing your heart to swell. You kissed her head and ventured home. 

You swung your feet from Lin’s bathroom counter. Tenzin and Lin hadn’t talked in a little over a year. Being your best friend the two of you talked and you gave clipped answers when he’d ask about her. Anytime you saw Pema you felt the rage and felt flames in your palms threatening to burst. You had yelled at him for an hour about how stupid and selfish he was. Aang had to come outside and see what all the ruckus was about. “Fuck,” you said tightly. You came back to the present from the stinging pain of the rubbing alcohol. “Sorry,” Lin muttered. For being such a hardass she was gentle when she needed to be. The cotton ball was soft on your temple, giving you some relief. At least the nosebleed stopped, but your eye was beginning to swell. “She can’t be doing this to you anymore,” she said softly, her brows worrying. For being nineteen, Lin  looked pretty mature. Though, she had always been more stern and responsible even as a kid. 

“It’s fine,” you muttered, brushing it off. You winced at the alcohol again. “No it’s not,” she replied sternly. You could see her green eyes flare up but there was concern and worry underneath it. “If you need somewhere to stay you can stay with me. I don’t want you to have to go through this anymore.” You didn’t interrupt her rant. Interrupting Lin is the equivalent to poking a grumpy old bear/ “What happened this time?” You sighed. You really didn’t want to have this conversation. Lin was open minded about certain things but you weren’t sure about being attracted to the same gender. It was still something you yourself were coming to terms with. Your mother had found out and the glass bottle shattered on the wall. It was meant for your head. “Just her being her usual self. Getting mad at something,” you clipped. Lin could tell you weren’t telling the whole story but she let it drop, thankfully. “All done,” she said. “Thanks.” She nodded in reply. “Do you need to stay here tonight?” “I don’t wanna intrude. I can stay at Kiki’s.” Kiki’s was the bakery you had bought the box of fudge for Lin when Tenzin broke up with her. The owner was always kind to you and knew about your struggles. He was warm hearted and offered you a place to crash from time to time. He reminded you of your father. Lin shook her head. “You’re staying here tonight. Besides, I just got this place and I want to spend time with you.” Your heart warmed at her words. An unrequited crush, two years strong. How sad. Your mother’s words rang in your ears. “How could she ever love a fag like you?” 

It was raining that morning. Kiki’s had hired you as a baker and offered you the room upstairs. Even though firebenders were known to be ambitious, passionate, and more aggressive than others, you had no drive or ambition. You didn’t know what you wanted in life but baking was something you were passionate about. “I’m gonna be out,” you shouted over your shoulder. “Alright be safe,” Maro, the store owner, called out from the back. Swinging your satchel over your shoulder you grabbed the box of leftover donuts for Lin. You balanced the two coffee cups on the box and swiftly left the place. Your bright blue bicycle rested on the side of the bakery. As you mounted your bike you smiled, excited to see Lin today. The two coffee cups sat in the cup holders on the sides of the basket while the donuts sat safely in the basket.The wind whipped through your hair and the rain drizzled lightly. The rain was light but you peddled quickly so the food wouldn’t be ruined. Lin’s wasn’t too far Kiki’s either. It felt freeing to be peddling down the hills; your worries flew away with the sweeping wind. Her apartment came into view. The thought of seeing her made you peddle faster. You placed your bike on the side of the building and pounded up the stairs. You held the box of donuts tightly in your hands, shielding it from the now pouring rain. Your heart quickened as you reached her front door. You had left Kiki’s at eight so she had to be up by now. You knocked on her door. Faintly, you could hear her footsteps. Lin greeted you with a blanket on her shoulders and a white tank top under it. Black sweats hugged her body nicely. The dark circles under her eyes were prominent in the bright gray morning. “What a surprise,” she said, the corners over her lips tugging upwards. You chuckled, “Had some leftovers and decided to visit. It’s been a while.” Her eyes lightened up at the sight of coffee and the delicious pastries. Lin held the door for you as you balanced the goodies and stepped into her apartment.

“Talked to Tenzin finally.” You almost choked on the sprinkled donut you were eating. Lin held her coffee cup in her hands as she glanced down at her kitchen counter. Her plain glazed donut sat on a napkin untouched. You gulped your food down. “That’s..great. What’d he say?” Lin chuckled at your answer. “He apologized, actually.” She sipped her black coffee. “Oh…” you trailed off. You weren’t sure how to respond. He had broken up with her three years ago and now apologized? “I don’t feel anything about it anymore. I was surprised, honestly.” You hummed, sipping your hot chocolate. “Took him long enough.” Lin snorted, “It did. I just can’t help but wonder...why.” You shot a confused glance her way, digging into the box for another sweet. A chocolate donut, this time. You missed the smile Lin had as she saw your childlike wonder and excitement about something so small as a pastry. “No one seems to have any interest in me anymore. Can’t help but wonder if I’m going to die alone,” she joked, taking another sip of her drink. You could hear a bit of sadness in her voice though. Passion bubbled in your chest and before you could think better you opened your mouth. “You’re not gonna die alone Lin. You’re sweet and kind and compassionate. You care about the people you love and are fiercely loyal. You’re intelligent and observant and also snarky. You’re just so….perfect!” The creeping anxiety surged when the answer you met with was silence. Muffled laughter escaped Lin’s lips as she tried to keep a straight face. It was rare; her body shook and the giggles turned into laughter. It rang in your ears and your heart swelled at the perfect sound. Before you could stop yourself, you kissed her.Her lips tasted like coffee and mint. She smelt like earth, paper, and leather. Her lips were soft and plush. Your eyes widened and immediately you pulled back. “I-I’m so s-sorry I-,” you sputtered, scurrying away from her. Lin just stared. There was no expression on her face as she looked at you. You felt tears run down your cheeks before you had a chance to stop them. A heavy lump sat in your throat and you dashed to get your bag. You left without another word, slamming Lin’s door behind you. She didn’t even try to stop you. 

“I’m a fucking idiot,” you sobbed, the rain pouring, soaking you to the bone. You peddled faster, sobs unleashing from your throat. The road was hard to see from the rain and your blurry vision. You didn’t care, if something or someone hit you you would accept your fate. Hell, that would be a good one. Better than losing Lin for good. Once you wheeled your bike to it’s spot you dashed into Kiki’s. Customers sat at tables leaving the workers distracted so you bolted upstairs. You didn’t feel like having Maro interrogate your crying right now. As much as you loved the big jolly man, you couldn’t let him see you like this. You changed out of your wet clothes and threw on something comfortable. For the rest of the day you let your blankets embrace you and cried your heart out. Eventually, you drifted off to sleep.

It was five pm once you woke up again. The memory of kissing Lin and acting so stupid made you curse. Tears threatened to spill again and you trembled. A soft knock snapped you out of your thoughts. “Come in,” you croaked. Maro opened the door poking his head in. “Are you alright?” The dam broke loose. Instantly you were a sobbing mess again. The man who was almost like your father closed the door quickly and held you in his arms. “What happened,” he cooed, rocking you back and forth. You told him everything;about your mother, your father, and Lin. After you were finished he kissed the top of your head. “Give her some time. She’ll come around with an answer for you soon. She’d be lucky to have you.” “Thanks Maro,” you sniffled, wiping your eyes. A few moments of silence stretched. You didn’t believe his words, something told you that you pushed Lin away for good.“I think I’m gonna have to leave.” The giant man beneath you squawked. “I need to learn how to control my firebending still. I’ve shut it away for so long, I think it’s time now.” Maro sighed, “I knew this day would come. You’re sure of it? What if Lin comes for you?” You shook your head. “I don’t think she will Maro.” “Alright. When you come back, you have a home here at Kiki’s. Y’know that right?” “I-I know. Thank you Maro.”

The next morning Maro and his brother waved you off. Maro cried as he gave you one last hug and a box of sweets for the go. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you said goodbye to your only family. “T-thank you Maro for everything. I never deserved your kindness.” “Yes you do, you’re family. You’re my daughter,” Maro blubbered. Even Maro’s brother who was a stone faced man had tears in his eyes You smiled. Your lips quivered and tears streamed down your face. “I love you guys,” you choked out. “I-I’ll be back soon I promise.” With one last goodbye you made your way to Tenzin and his family for a farewell.Tenzin was sad to see you go but he understood. Some journeys were meant to be traveled alone. Aang wished you the best of your travels and sent a wool cloak with you. It was soft and the warmest thing you ever owned. Pema was there, and you were civil with her, but after what she had done to Lin you didn’t see her the same. Tenzin had given you an amulet he was keeping for you and it hung around your neck proudly. You hurried to the docks of Republic City. Missing the boat would certainly add to your already dampened spirits. As you swept through the streets you couldn’t help but think of Lin. The wounds were still fresh but you trudged on. Like a coward, you ran.

Your room was barren and cold. ‘Had it always been this cold,’ Lin thought. The baker, Maro, looked sad today. It was unusual for he was joyful and warm. But today his flame had been blown at, the smoke curling around his heart. Lin was paralyzed when you had kissed her. She couldn’t move until it was too late. A white envelope sat on your desk. Lin. She ran to the desk and ripped it open. As she read it, her eyes widened and her eyes felt watery. Dammit. She was too late. Lin flung the letter on the floor and bolted to the docks. The white parchment paper sifted through the air gracefully until it fell on the ground.

Lin,

I’m sorry. I did what must be done.

 Goodbye,

xx

“No!” Lin cried out as the boat sailed away from view. Tears spilled from her cheeks and her teeth clenched. Her fists were balled tightly and her face twisted in anguish. You were gone, forever. She stood on the busy docs;people went around her throwing dirty looks her way. She didn’t care. They went around her mumbling under their breaths. She had been too late. “Line five, ship is boarding, line five, ship is boarding,” the guy called out. Lin perked up. Were you still here? Quickly, she scanned the line. Her heart stopped. She recognized the familiar body and the wool cloak shrouded protectively across their shoulders. Lin bounded over to you. Her hand grabbed your wrist tightly and she pulled you out of the line. “Hey-” your eyes widened as you saw her. “Lin? What are you-” “You’re an idiot you know that?” You gulped. You didn’t think Lin would talk to you anymore but her anger wasn’t unexpected. “I-I’m sorry,” you said softly, averting her intense gaze. “I-I wasn’t thinking clearly and I admit that. But if you’ve come here to ridicule me-” Lin smashed your lips with hers. A muffled squeak in surprise left you but you melted into her touch. Lin’s hands held your face tightly and her chest brushed up against yours. You sighed into the kiss allowing her tongue to enter your mouth and gently sucking on yours. She pulled away;both of you out of breath. Your cheeks heated up at the realization that the love of your life liked you back. “How long have you loved me,” Lin asked softly. Her eyes shone with fondness as she looked at you. “You know when you started dating Tenzin?” She nodded. “I was gonna confess to you then.” Lin’s eyes widened in shock. “Why didn’t you tell me?” You smiled sadly, “You looked so happy. I didn’t want to ruin that.” Lin kissed you again. Her hands held your waist in a tight grip and she bent you lower. You giggled, grabbing her face for support. There were tears in her eyes as she looked at you. You felt your eyes start to water and you laughed softly. “I love you,” Lin whispered, tears threatening to spill. “Don’t you ever leave me again.” You smiled, you were crying again but these were happy tears instead. Gently, she wiped the spilling tears from your cheeks with her thumbs. They felt a bit rough but you couldn’t complain. You nodded, swallowing thickly. “I love you too Lin.”

[bewaretheidesofmarchyall]

In Light Of Recent Events

Remember that amazing writing prompt about summoning the god of war and a teenager showing up? Original post here

Well, due to certain things that happened yesterday, I wrote a mini-fic that’s a similar thing, but with the Dream SMP

Fic under the cut

When the residents of Mizu decided to summon the idol of war, they weren't expecting a kid.

His eyes were a cloudy gray with barely a hint of blue, and he wore a simple red and white t-shirt.  

The only indication that he was anything other than human came in the form of the sparks that surrounded him, like lightning, or half-forged metal.

The captain stepped forward with practiced reverence. It wasn't every day that summoning an idol actually worked (in fact, this was the first success in, well, ever). Then again, it wasn't every day that you asked for a war god and got a gangly teenager.

"Excuse me, are you sure you're in the right place? It's just-we sort of asked for Technoblade. You know, the idol of war?"

The teenager said something, but his normally booming voice was small and cracked from disuse. The captain frowned in confusion.

"Could you repeat that?"

"Technoblade is the idol of slaughter. Desolation, destroying everything and more before you even lose a thing. He was never in a real war in his life."

The captain turned to their enderman hybrid first mate, who shrugged before asking a question of their own.

"Well, what about Dream?"

The teenager stared at the crowd through his gray eyes for a while, before finally bursting into laughter. No one else joined in with him, making the whole thing a little unnerving.

When his snickering had finally stopped, he collected himself and answered the question.

"No, and you're an idiot. Dream is the idol of tactics and victory. Also cruelty, but you left that out in your little museum. Right?

Dream is only there for the end of wars. He only gets the last word, or the last kick, or the last little piece of leverage for his nest.

He doesn't do the less fun stuff. 

The "dying on a floor because you got betrayed and you can't run or scream or turn to look at Wilbur" stuff. 

The "living in a cold ravine and mistaking every sound for the enemy coming until you can't sleep anymore" stuff. 

The "running through your city the third time it blows up, holding onto Tubbo's hand and praying that if the worst happens, you die first" stuff.

I guess I did die first.".

The first mate seemed disappointed by the answer, and it was a bit of a blow to his pride to be told off by a kid. 

So, he narrowed his purple and yellow eyes and asked one final question.

"Who the hell are you, then?"

The sparks surrounding the teenager seemed to double in number, and the surrounding crowd noticed for the first time that his feet weren't quite touching the ground.

"My name is Tommy. Former right hand man, former brother, former soldier.

I had a uniform. It was blue, and white, and gold, and I was so proud to be fighting for freedom and our legacy. 

I stepped up to fight Dream because I knew that it was the right thing to do, and because I had to win because that was what was supposed to happen to people who did the right thing.

I died under the bridge. Couldn't tell where the blood stopped and the water began.

I didn't want to be a hero. I never wanted to be a hero. I just wanted to be safe.

But I barely got a moment to catch my breath before I was in danger again, or the people I loved were in danger, or other people had decided I was the problem and needed to go.

I was helpless when my best friend got blown up as a sick demonstration. 

I was helpless when my brother started spiraling and wanting to blow up the world we created. 

I was helpless when he did just that, and died, and we didn't even give him a funeral. 

I was helpless every time Techno decided to teach me a lesson through the exploding end of a wither, and all of this is nothing compared to what Dream did to me.”.

He paced in the air, fear and anger rising.

"He forced Tubbo to put me in exile, and he'd come over every day to explode my things and lie to me and convince me that I had no friends but him and make my life hell. It got so bad with him that I wanted to-"

He took a shallow breath, trying and failing to stay calm.

"I built a pillar. He blew up my house, and murdered my cow, and told me it was my fault. I kept apologising over and over to him so he'd stop destroying things, but he didn't, and then he left me all alone. 

And I built a pillar. And I jumped off it."

His voice grew quieter again.

“I was 16.

I landed in the water. I chose to land in the water and left that place behind. 

That wasn't the end of what that bastard did to me.

He blew up my country, raining TNT down even after it was already gone. 

He tried to kill Tubbo, and I was helpless again.

I thought I was free when we put him in prison. I thought I'd get some closure, or a chance to breathe. 

I thought I was going to be okay someday.

I went to visit him one last time. Just once. Just to tell him that he finally hadn't won.

I got trapped in there with him for a week. At least in exile I could run.

He killed me with his bare hands. 

I died alone and bloody and scared.”.

The glass walls of Mizu began to shake as tears started to fall from Tommy's eyes.

"I was 16."

The captain raised their hands in an attempt at calming the boy down.

"I'm sorry that all happened. We just have a small request, and then you can be on your way. See, our peaceful city is under threat, and we were wondering if-"

"If I could fight for you?"

"We’re awfully sorry, but we need the power.".

Tommy looked at the captain, tears streaming down his face.

"If you want to know the "power" of war, go lose everything. 

Be helpless. Be powerless, have people only like you when you're on their side or gone. 

Never be safe. Never breathe. 

Watch your friends and family and everything else you love die for a cause you can't even remember.

Fill your lungs with ashes and freezing water and blood. Then, you can call on my name.  

How dare you."

The glass walls shook violently, small cracks starting to form. The first mate stepped forward, desperate.

"Please, we wouldn't have called unless we really needed you-"

"Need me? You need a soldier. You need a reliable cannon. You need someone to fight and bleed for you."

The oxygen warning sirens began to play over the speakers.

"I will never fight for anyone again."

Sparks flew all around the room as the warning repeated over and over. 

With a final disdainful look at the first mate, the spirit of war rose up torwards the sky like he once did with a trident many years ago.

Tommy was free. The glass shattered behind him.

[translations-by-aiimee]

Dig a Grave to Dig Out a Ghost - Chapter 34

Original Title: 挖坟挖出鬼

Genres: Drama, Horror, Mystery, Supernatural, Yaoi

This translation is based on multiple MTLs and my own limited knowledge of Chinese characters. If I have made any egregious mistakes, please let me know.

Chapter Index

Chapter 34

The early morning sunlight shone diagonally into the room, casting a bright yellow glare onto the back of his eyelids. Lin Yan ripped off the blanket. He rolled out of bed in a daze, but his legs gave out and he fell. He sat on the bedside, taking deep breaths.

His whole body hurt like it had been run over by a cart. Every muscle was screaming. Lin Yan shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the hangover dizziness, tugging at the blanket that had half-fallen down. The place where Xiao Yu had slept was already empty, and a shallow depression in the bed reminded him of the absurdity of last night's drinking.

Lin Yan roughly tapped his temple. For the first time, he wanted to wipe away his drunken memory but the more he tried to forget, the more sober he became. Even the ghost's watching gaze was still present in his mind. His velvety black eyes looked lost while he whispered his name and slammed into him. It was like his body was still pressed against him, their hearts intertwining as one.

He slept with someone he has to spend 24 hours a day with. How is this going to end?

Idiot, Lin Yan cursed. He put on a long T-shirt meant for playing basketball and walked towards the wall. When he heard Xiao Yu calling him, Lin Yan didn't even have the courage to turn around and answer him. He stumbled into the bathroom with his head down and locked the door behind him.

The person looking back at him in the mirror had red eyes, swollen cheeks, and a series of blue and purple hickeys that stretched from the bottom of his neck to his collarbone. Lin Yan tugged the collar of his T-shirt down. When he saw the miserable state of his chest, he hastily turned his head. He turned on the shower to wash his body. The water rained onto his face. Everything he did, and didn't, want to see blurred. The sensitive parts of his body were stimulated by the hot water, causing the corner of Lin Yan's mouth to twitch in discomfort. Still gritting his teeth, he roughly scrubbed his body.

He couldn't wait for this layer of skin to eventually flake off.

Lin Yan dried his hair and wiped a hand across the foggy mirror. It still showed a beautiful and clean face. The stand-up collar T-shirt just covered the marks on the neck. Lin Yan propped himself up on the sink and smiled miserably at the man in the mirror.

Compared to love, carnal desire is much simpler. A meal, a bottle of wine, and anything can happen. You don’t even need to take off your clothes. Do the deed, forget about it, take a shower and continue on like nothing happened. Who needs to bring up the unpleasantness of last night anyway?

He can't succumb to a paranoid ghost. The street was full of decent people. Who knows what animal opened its thighs last night, and which corner it will live in the next night?

The tinkling sound of cups and plates came from the kitchen and passed through the messy living room. The moment the sliding door opened, Lin Yan was stunned by the sight in front of him, and he didn't move for a long time.

The light golden sunlight fell on the ground. The suave gentleman with messy sideburns and a pair of slender eyebrows carefully rinsed a frozen fish under the tap. Lin Yan bought it a few days ago and threw it in the freezer and forgot to take it out. It was freezer burnt. The fish's eyes were covered with a layer of frost, its mouth wide open, and the head that peeked out from his hands was a bit dull. The saucepan was placed on the burner, and the water was almost at a boil. Several pieces of ginger and green onions were diced into various-sized pieces on the chopping board. He had forgotten to peel the ginger, the clueless blockhead.

Hearing the movement at the door, Xiao Yu turned his head. A smile was hidden in his eyes, and the corners of his mouth were softly curved upwards: "You're awake. You're not going to sleep some more?"

". . . I'm too nauseous to sleep." Lin Yan's face burned. Avoiding his eyes, he walked over to turn off the tap. "What are you doing with this thing? Are you hungry?"

It took everything in him to pretend to stay calm: "I thought you didn't need to eat."

"I wanted to make breakfast for you." Xiao Yu pointed to the fish in the sink. "It's too frozen."

"You need to defrost it in the microwave, so it won't be melted in one day." Lin Yan glanced at the scattered green onion and ginger on the chopping board. "Besides, no one makes fish this early in the morning. It's too heavy."

Xiao Yu stood still in front of the sink, awkwardly holding the fish's tail: ". . . This is all I know how to make."

Lin Yan took out a frying pan and moved the saucepan off the burner: "I can't eat this stuff with an upset stomach. Don't worry about it. I'll just cook something myself to eat."

"What do you want to eat? Let me try." Xiao Yu said as he went to look through the refrigerator. He had just opened it slightly before Lin Yan shut it, his voice unconsciously raised: "I said don't worry about it. Don't act like this is your house. Look at what my living room already looks like. Who knows what might happen to the kitchen later on. Young Master Xiao has probably never had to lift a finger in his life. I don't need your help."

When he spoke, he unconsciously put more emphasis on the 'my', deliberately excluding him, leaving no room for argument.

A one-night stand or something seemed too far-fetched for him, but he couldn't have sex and expect to now be fully devoted to each other. The person opposite him was stunned. His eyes, full of expectation, darkened. He was a bit at a loss holding the fish, as if he had done something wrong, and didn't know what to do.

Lin Yan didn't dare to look at him. He struggled to take out the eggs and milk from the refrigerator. He poured the oil into the frying pan and cracked open the eggs with two clicks. Once he turned around, Xiao Yu was still standing in the same spot, the frozen fish turning his fingers red. He wasn't going to leave or stay. He lowered his eyes and glanced back at him occasionally as if he was afraid of getting in trouble.

Lin Yan didn't say anything. He took out a spatula and flipped the fried egg over. The pain in his back was still terrible. Every step he took was torturous. The ghost noticed his unnatural stance. After standing behind him for a while, he hesitantly put down the fish. He wrapped himself around him in an attempt at a comforting hug. He put his chin on Lin Yan's shoulder. He felt like a mass of cold air like he had forgotten to close the refrigerator door.

"Does it hurt a lot?" Xiao Yu's tone was softer than ever before. "I'll be gentler next time."

Lin Yan took a deep breath. Xiao Yu's touch brought back the memories of last night. He had fully submitted himself to the ghost. The uncontrollable debauchery and the sense of shame of being exposed on the spot made him antsy. He interrupted him, expressionless: "There won't be a next time. I was drunk last night. Let's pretend it never happened. What's done is done, okay?"

The person behind him trembled, and the arms around him loosened.

Lin Yan couldn't bear it and concealed it by fiddling with the fried egg in the pan: "You can't help with this. Find me some nausea medicine. It's in the bedroom drawer."

Xiao Yu pondered for a moment, then asked him in a low voice: "What does the nausea medicine . . . look like?"

"You don't know anything." Lin Yan sighed. He put the spatula down. He turned around, suppressing the evil fire in his heart: "Please leave. I'm in a bad mood. I don't have time to say something nice to make you happy."

Xiao Yu was silent and slowly let go of him. He raised a pair of dark eyes to stare at Lin Yan. Something he couldn't understand floated in his eyes, like sadness. He gave him a once-over from head to toe. He turned his head and gently saying: "Lin Yan, don't play with me."

When he turned around, the ghost had already disappeared. Lin Yan slowly put the fried egg on the plate. He pressed through the pain in his stomach and began to eat. The touch of the embrace seemed to linger on his body. He subconsciously shook his shoulders, his face wooden.

Don't play with me? Lin Yan recalled the ghost's words with a look in his eyes. This proud young man had rushed out of the unknown and forcibly occupied his home, his bed, his space, his time and his . . . his thigh muscles twitched. Lin Yan slowly rubbed his hands along his thighs. Finally, he put down his chopsticks and buried his face in the palms of his hands and rubbed hard, unconsciously turning his eyes red. In the end, who was playing with who?

Meat is most delicious with the blood. The more debaucherous the lust, the more enjoyable it'll be. Sex could be dirty, but love couldn't. Love was the purest thing, there was no room for filth. The ridiculous night was over. The unpredictable ghost could be forgotten, but the gentle side of the ghost forced him to remember some feelings that had nothing to do with lust. The softest corner of his heart was gently tugged. Lin took a bit of his egg, his throat choked up with inexplicable sorrow and grief.

Maybe he was disgusted with himself for losing himself last night, but what difference does it make? Lin Yan silently thought. Some things can't be taken back.

After washing the dishes, he called Professor Folder's secretary to confirm the meeting time. The secretary gave him the address of the institute, and, after finalizing the meeting, Lin Yan cleaned up the kitchen. A small pile of chopped green onions and ginger was still on the chopping board. The knifework was clumsy, but he had been serious about it. Lin Yan used a knife to brush them off the board. Just as he was about to throw them away, he suddenly hesitated. He found a small bowl and put it in the refrigerator freezer.

That guy should have found a place to get angry. Lin Yan sighed, limped and held the wall to walk outside. One thing after another left him completely exhausted. He knew it was wrong to take it out on him, but he just couldn't find the energy to comfort the stubborn ghost. It was almost time for his appointment. Lin Yan packed his pen and notebook into his sports bag. When he walked into the living room, he was shocked. Xiao Yu was picking up things on the floor with his back facing him. When he heard Lin Yan come in, he turned around, holding several girl's trinkets, hair clips, dolls, leather coin purses, and a few photos that could barely be seen.

"These can still be used. Take them." Xiao Yu hung his head cautiously: "I can't compensate you for the rest. I don't have the money you use, and you took everything I had."

The sunlight came in from the half-opened curtains. The ghost stood helplessly in the wind-swept living room, bowing his head as a peace offering, lowering his stature and waiting to be forgiven.

Lin Yan couldn't say a word. He stood there for a long time, and when he opened his mouth, his voice became mute: "What are you doing this early in the morning? Are you trying to make me feel bad?" He found a garbage bag to put them in, harshly tying the bag. "I don't even want them anymore."

He dragged Xiao Yu into the bedroom and opened the paper bags that were piled up in the corner. The clothes he bought in Shenjiayuan last time were hung in the closet. He had even kept the auspicious mortuary clothes, carefully ironed out and hung on clothing hangers. The full cabinet was stuffed with two people's things, almost giving a sense of 'home'.

"Satisfied? Come over and I'll help you comb your hair." Lin Yan tugged Xiao Yu's sleeve: "I made an appointment to ask about you at the research institute today. We're going to be late."

All the words in the world couldn’t compare to the warmth of "we". Lin Yan held Xiao Yu's long, silky hair. The two figures were reflected in the mirror. White fabric draped over the top. The pearwood dresser was decorated with gold inlay. The pearly surface was like the white of a flower. A screen behind them covered in peony flowers and birds was complex and magnificent; a dazzling sight

Lin Yan satisfactorily rolled a bun with a bone hairpin. The bangs on his forehead fell down. His features were as sharp as a knife, with sharp eyebrows and starry eyes. He couldn't help but squeeze his face jokingly: "Young Master looks really handsome. How are you going to pay for your manservant?" He muttered: "Without money, you have to sleep with me at night. What a shame."

As he spoke, he put his hand on Xiao Yu's shoulder. Cold fingers moved up to caress the back of his hand, carefully tracing the bones in his fingers, like dealing with a treasure made of jade.

"I know all that. I just can't bear to let you go." Xiao Yu spoke very lightly.

"What?" Lin Yan didn't hear him clearly.

"Nothing." Xiao Yu said softly.

-------------

The research institute where the professor worked was built inside a large complex. It took a long time to find the side road from the main road. The low bungalows were shaded by the century-old trees. There were round tables and wicker chairs on the open balcony of the building, and occasionally they could see gray-haired foreigners sitting together drinking tea.

After greeting the entrance guard, Lin Yan drove his car into the back parking lot with ease and stopped in front of a modest gray bungalow. The 90s-style office didn't have a separate door, two steps leading into the dark and dreary building. Standing in the yard was a middle-aged man in work clothes, holding a small piece of paper to double-check if it matched Lin Yan's car license plate. When he saw that everything matched, he smiled honestly and greeted Lin Yan and opened the door very courteously.

"Lin, welcome. My name is Chen." The middle-aged man shook enthusiastically shook Lin Yan's hand. "The professor has arranged everything."

"Brother Chen." Lin Yan said respectfully.

"Come, come. It's bright outside. Come inside and see. Two days ago, I was on a business trip. Hey, comrade, you know, we have to travel every day in this line of work. We started going through the files as soon as we got back. Come in and find out if we have what you need."

The middle-aged man said as he took Lin Yan into the building. He was actually very young when he looked at him up close. He had a rugged look because he worked in areas with harsh UV rays. His eyes were plain and his skin was tanned and blistered. A mouthful of white teeth was revealed when he spoke. This comrade reminded Lin Yan of the old leader with a ceramic vase in front of him in the "Reform and Opening*" poster. The person in front of him's appearance suddenly started to warp in his mind. His shirt was tucked in his black pants and a Zhongshan suit was draped over him. He was gesticulating towards the door. A pair of large hands with prominent knuckles and bones was a common characteristic of the working people.

*(T/N: "Reform and Opening" policy is the Chinese economic reforms that went into place after Mao Zedong's death in China and pursued by Deng Xiaoping)

[kindajared]

I saw some anons talking about Fugo and Mista and my gods I love these boys. Can I request a NSFW scenario about the first time with them? Both of them at the same time to be more exact. Thanks in advance! I really love your writing.

(YES...Fugo is 18)

Fugo pushed a few pieces of your hair out of your face. Your eyes fluttered closed at his gentle touch. You took in a deep breath when Mista snaked his arms around you from behind. You were already getting a little overwhelmed. Your whole body was on the verge of trembling with excitement and your face was flushed, warm. This all seemed so surreal. These two incredible boys wanted to touch you, and they wanted to do it together. You were always nervous around the two of them. You liked them both and it turned out that they liked you too. You were getting exactly what you wanted.

Mista began to kiss your neck and you sighed before Fugo pressed his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around Fugo’s neck. Mista tightened his hold on you, pulling you closer to him, away from Fugo. Your lips parted and Fugo looked to Mista , brows furrowed.

“I thought we agreed to share. I’m not letting you hog her.”

Mista hummed, moving his face away from your neck, meeting Fugo’s gaze.

“Can you blame me for not being able to help myself?”

You just stood there as they calmly argued. You couldn’t help but chuckle and intervene.

“Don’t get jealous of each other. You’ll each get a turn. I promise.”

Mista smiled at Fugo.

“See? Simmer down.”

He told him, kissing the side of your face. Fugo gritted his teeth.

“what did you sa--?”

You put a finger to his lips.

“Pannacotta, he’s just messing with you. Kiss me again.”

Fugo sighed and leaned back in to kiss you, taking ahold of your face. You reached up to place your hands on his chest. Mista muzzled his face into your hair.

“Fugo.”

He spoke his name to get his attention, motioning to the bed with his head. Fugo opened his eyes to see what Mista had to say and pulled away from your lips, nodding.

Mista unwrapped his arms from around your waist, but kept his hands on it, turning you towards the bed. Fugo took ahold of your arms and they both sat you down.

Fugo reached for your shirt and pulled it off of you, Mista removing your pants. Your heart began to pound as you were slowly exposed. Mista ran his hand down your torse.

“So pretty.”

His words made you blush. Fugo ran his fingers through your hair.

“Agreed.”

Fugo took ahold of your shoulders and laid you back, Mista remove your panties and you whimpered. He looked up at you.

“It’s okay, cara, don’t worry.”

You looked up at Fugo nervously. He sat next to you and stroked your face with his thumb. You then felt Mista run a finger through your folds, making you whimper louder. He bit his lip.

“I didn’t expect you to be this wet. It’s really hot.”

He and Fugo looked at each other. Mista got up from the floor and traded places with Fugo, who got on his knees in front of you. You felt him spread your lips and press his lips to your clit.

“F-Fugo.”

Your thighs began to tremble as he dragged his tongue over your labia. You reached up for Mista, pulling him close to you. You clung to him as Fugo ate you out. When you felt the tip of Fugo’s index finger enter you, your body twitched and you moaned against Mista’s thigh. You lifted your legs and wrapped them around Fugo’s shoulders, pulling him closer to you. Fugo hummed as he fingered you and flicked your clit with his tongue. He inserted another finger and you whined, reaching for Mista’s crotch, placing your hand up against his cock through his pants. He took in a breath. You spoke.

“I-I…”

You whimpered and Fugo lifted his head.

“What is it, cara?”

You spoke shyly.

“I want you. I want both of you. Please?”

You hid your face in Mista’s thigh and they both chuckled softly. Fugo spoke again.

“Okay, cara. But only because you asked so nicely.”

Mista smiled and got up. He lifted his brows.

“Do we need lube? How wet is she?”

He asked. Fugo pulled his fingers out and lid shis fingers against your entire pussy, through your folds and  over your entrance. He hummed.

“I don’t think we need it.”

Mista smiled and leaned down to kiss your forehead.

“Awesome.”

Mista took ahold of your arms, reaching under your biceps and pulled you up onto the bed fully. He raised you up so he could unclasp your bra, removing it. He gripped your breasts from behind you, kissing the back of your neck. He licked your ear.

“Perfect.”

Fugo removed his shirt and loosened his tie, removing it. Mista threw off his hat and removed his own shirt. You looked back and forth between the two of them as they removed the rest of their clothes. Your face was beet red when their cocks were revealed to you. They were both good sized, but you refused to compare. You didn’t care.

“I’ll let you go first since I got to eat her out.”

Fugo told Mista. They traded places. Mista simply couldn’t deny that offer. He crawled onto the bed, on top of you.

“Are you ready, cara?”

He asked before kissing your jaw. You nodded.

“Please.”

You reached for his face, bringing his lips to yours. You heard Fugo sigh, before he sat next to the two of you, jealous despite the fact that he offered for Mista to go first. He would be in you last, that wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

Mista then broke the kiss, reaching down to position his cock at your entrance, he slowly slid into you and you gasped, arms immediately around hus neck.

“A-ah! Mista!”

You whined loudly as he pushed himself deeper. You buried his face in his neck, breath shallow. Mista groaned.

“I knew you’d feel good, but damn…”

He stopped at a comfortable position, thrusting his hips to get the last of himself in. You let out a small cry, breathing into his ear.

“You feel so good.”

Mista blushed and smiled, kissing the side of your face before he began to roll his hips, sliding his cock back and forth inside of you. You whimpered, gasping with every movement. You wrapped your legs around his waist, driving him deeper. Mista wrapped his arms around your neck, propping your head up.

“Fucl, (Y/N) …”

He panted into your ear, quickening his thrusts. You ran your fingers through his dark hair, tugging at it. You began to moan loudly as your arousal peaked.

“I-I’m gonna cum, M-Mista-can I?”

You arched your back into him and he licked on the side of your ear before replying.

“Yes, cara, cum with me-I’n gonna cuntoo.”

You both released soon after that, you came all over his cock and he filled you completely. The both of you panted and you removed your head from his neck, looking to Fugo, who was staring straight at you. You couldn’t help but give him a sweet smile.

“Your turn, caro.”

Mista let out a sigh before pulling out, giving you one last small kiss before he stood up. Fugo traded places with him, crawling on top of you. You bit your lip. You had something to say.

“C-Can you…do it from behind?”

You spoke shyly, unsure if he would agree to your request. Fugo smiled softly. This was not his preferred way to have sex with someone, but he would do it for you.

“Yes, happily. Turn over.”

He told you, helping you turn your body with a gentle hold. You now laid n your stomach. He took ahold of your waist and lifted your hips upwards. You couldn’t help but shake your ass and giggle softly. You’d never done this with a guy before. Fugo chuckled at your excitement.

“You’re too cute for your own good.”

He spread your thighs open slightly, sliding his cock in between them, angling his cock upwards, pressing into you. You moaned, taking ahold of the pillow in front of you. Fugo let out a long breath before glancing at Mista , who had his arms crossed, smiling.

“I know, right?”

Fugo nodded, before he bucked his hips, shoving himself in. You let out a cry.

“Fugo! T-Too much!”

Fugo let out a few pants.

“S-Sorry, did I hurt you?”

He leaned his body over you, wrapping his arms around you. You sighed.

“N-No. You startled me.”

You told him. You did end up letting out another giggle. It was a little funny, you had to admit. Fugo smiled and kissed the back of your neck.

“Good. You scared me.”

He pressed his hips against your ass, making you moan as his cock slid up against your walls. You whined softly.

“Mmm, so good…feels so good…”

You breathed. Fugo began to move his hi[s back and forth at e steady pace, breath hitching.

“You like that, bambina?”

You panted, nodding.

“Yes.”

You didn’t want to cum so soon, but you felt yourself getting close already, you would try to hold back.

He began to slap himself up against you. The sound alone made your pussy contact around him. He groaned, grazing his teeth against your neck.

“Merda, I’ll cum, please…”

His cock throbbed with pleasure inside of you.  He moved one of his hands downward and began to play with your clit. You gasped.

“Fuck! F-Fugo-!”

You cried out and pressed yourself back against him. He grunted. You both came together with no warning. Fugo panted,

“I-I’m sorry-.”

“No-I did too.”

You assured him, resting your eyes momentarily as he pulled out. Cum dripped out of you, running down your thighs, dripping down onto the mattress. You hummed and opened your eyes. The other’s cuddled up against you then, on either side of you. You smiled tiredly and turned over. Mista spoke.

“You’re a mess.”

Fugo nodded, running a hand down your body, making you shiver.

“Wanna clean up together?”

You looked back and forth between the two of them.

“Bath?”

You offered. The two looked at each other.

“Can-Can we all fit?”

Mista asked, brows raised. You giggled.

“We can try.”

The both of them laughed breathily. Fugo replied.

“We’ll make it work, cara, we’ll make it work.”

[shihalyfie]

A meta on Miyako, and her position in the 02 group

One piece of cultural context that tends to get lost in translation a lot when it comes to Digimon is the relative order of who’s older than whom. Of course, in any country, the difference between an eleven-year-old and a twelve-year-old is still pretty significant, but in East Asian culture, that single year is A Big Deal. (This is why Adventure’s first episode has everyone introduce themselves with their grade levels, even though it seems pointless to do this with otherworldly creatures.)

So Miyako’s the oldest in the 02 group. Let’s talk about Miyako!

Digimon being a series that loves to play with preconceived expectations, it’s probably no surprise that the oldest one is...not exactly the stellar example of an esteemed elder. Despite being the oldest, Miyako is one of the biggest disaster children in the entire group, with only Daisuke competing for that position.

On top of that, we then start bringing Japanese honorifics into play, which throws another wrench into it, because that single year can be the difference between a -san and a -kun, and that will be drilled into your head as the kids talk to each other over the course of the whole series. This is why leaving honorifics in translation is such a disputed topic in localization debates to this day (because it does have a lot of information on how characters see each other), and even I have to admit that while I’m normally in the “cut them out!” camp, I’m so accustomed to their usage in Digimon that I’m still using the honorifics in fanfic because of how weird it feels to drop them now (even though this relegates me to the hell of maintaining an Excel spreadsheet).

Let’s look at the honorifics chart for Miyako. What do the others in the team call her?

Daisuke: Miyako

Iori: Miyako-san

Takeru: Miyako-san

Hikari: Miyako-san

Ken: Miyako-san

Well, would you look at that. Every single person except for Daisuke uses -san on her.  By the time you’ve gotten to the end of the series, the association between Miyako and the “respect honorific” is probably going to be pretty high. And in fact, Daisuke did accidentally slip into using -san on her, in a moment of being a bit out of it in episode 30. Miyako’s response? “It feels weird when you add the -san.” Really, the only reason he doesn’t use the honorific with her seems to only really be because of how close he is with her -- he uses proper honorifics on all other elders, but Miyako’s enough of a fellow disaster child that he’s comfortable getting a bit more in her face.

This isn’t the first time the series had pulled out the idea of “the oldest one is actually not very reliable”, of course -- infamously, Jou was the oldest in the Adventure group, something he even took as a reason that he was supposed to be the most responsible, but unfortunately was...simultaneously the most reliable and unreliable. In the end, of course, everyone came to learn that he’d pull through...eventually, but he (especially in the first half) had a lot of an aura of exasperation and occasional “uh...is he gonna be okay...” doubt around him.

But this isn’t quite the case for Miyako.

One interesting thing about Miyako is that even when she shows off some of her worst traits in front of them -- being shallow over appearances, being a little too over-the-top, or sometimes losing control over herself...nobody really holds it against her. Even when she was fangirling over Ichijouji Ken in episode 8, Daisuke seems more taken aback than he has any criticisms about her behavior, Iori only points out that she normally wouldn’t be into younger boys, and eventually everyone moves on from the topic.

In fact, people getting exasperated over her only generally seems to happen on the actual spot, and only when things really hit peak. Nobody ever really holds things like “Miyako’s into hot guys” over her head once all is said and done -- in fact, nobody ever really criticizes Miyako’s personality or behavior or expresses doubt in her ability to do something much whenever there’s no need to. Whenever Miyako does do something disastrously bad, nobody brings the incident up again. It’s more like an “oh, dear, please help us” whenever things do get bad...and then they all move on and forgive her.

In fact, the only times any major criticisms or doubts about Miyako’s personality or reliability come out are from episode 31, which, of course, was also a major character building episode for her...

...and note the contexts these came in: the first is from Daisuke, who’s the one person on the team known to be comfortable with constantly bantering with her (and is also comparing her to Hikari, whom we know he puts on a pedestal), and the second is Hikari laying down an extremely mild criticism of her character that actually is quickly followed by an admission that she envies her for that aspect of her (because Hikari is on the other extreme, being emotionally repressive and unable to voice her feelings well).

Ken joins the team halfway into the series, and although he’s a polite person in general (he also calls Hikari “Hikari-san”, even though she’s the same age as him), there’s actually enough to indicate he also looks up to her with respect.

I say that Miyako was the second person after Daisuke to bid for Ken joining the group, but one of the really, really important parts that shouldn’t be forgotten here is that it was the exact same episode (25) -- Daisuke starts making proposals to the other kids to bring him in and makes his first move to reach out at the beginning, and Miyako at the end. In terms of the actual series’s chronology, this was only a single day of difference...and it’s not until six more episodes when we get our next person (Hikari) openly showing receptiveness (even then, Hikari doesn’t actually vocalize this besides dropping him a line in 34, so Ken may not have really felt anyone’s opinion on him really changing until then, or until Takeru in 37).

So we have Daisuke and Miyako openly accepting Ken at virtually the same time (Miyako made it very clear to him that she was open to him through her email at the end of episode 25). The two of them took very different approaches in reaching out to Ken thereafter -- Daisuke decided to be a bit more aggressive and in-your-face, and, ultimately, became the one who emotionally connected with him the best (because with someone like Ichijouji Ken, there are barriers you need to be breaking). Miyako’s stance was to give him space and let him join on his own terms, and while this didn’t get her nearly as emotionally close to him, it did actually have an interesting side effect where he initially seemed to be a lot more comfortable about approaching her (because she’s a little more gentle in approaching him, so she’s not as intimidating and doesn’t bring up the Complicated Feelings associated with his changing relationship with Daisuke, at least until he finally does figure those out in the end).

He actually “tacitly nods” at Miyako in battling with her during the events of episode 25 (and this is notable in that this was before she sent her email to him at the end of it).

Which means that he actually gets two “one-on-one” scenes with her in episodes 30 and 33, which is actually pretty surprising when you consider how this entire thing was during an arc when he was still pretty stilted and awkward when dealing with the other kids directly. 33 is interesting because it actually would mean very little by itself if it weren’t for the context this scene is in -- three episodes prior, Miyako slapped Ken in the face, and one episode after that, Ken saw Miyako at her absolute hysterical worst, throwing a panicked fit, infringing on insensitivity in all directions, and generally being a mess...but not only does he seem to be absent a grudge about any of this, he’s still more than willing to be her partner’s caretaker and dash all the way to Kyoto in an “I trust you with this” manner.

Basically? Despite everything, he actually trusts and respects her abilities quite a lot.

So why does Miyako get to be a complete mess and all over the place, and yet still seem to command this much respect among the 02 crowd? The answer is, quite simply, that they like her a lot.

Let’s look at what Miyako calls her friends.

Daisuke: Daisuke

Iori: Iori

Takeru: Takeru-kun

Hikari: Hikari-chan

Ken: Ichijouji-kun (until episode 30), Ken-kun (episode 25 and after).

Interesting web of relationships here. Miyako presumably omits the honorific with Iori because she’s known him closely as her neighbor since prior to the series. In a similar vein to how she doesn’t want Daisuke to use an honorific on her, she omits it on him -- the two really are very close, even if they don’t give off that aura at first. She’s respectful with Takeru, and endearing with Hikari, and, notably, she is the first person in the entire group to switch to given name basis with Ken (Daisuke doesn’t do this until episode 30, and not regularly until 39), indicating that she very, very much wanted to go out of her way to reach out to and get closer to him.

Unlike Jou, who sometimes tried to use his position as the oldest as proof that he should be commanding that kind of respect, Miyako doesn’t really have any conscious awareness that she’s the oldest (the only time she consciously pulls it out is episode 8, when she’s talking about Ken being younger than her, and it’s otherwise implied by the way she acts in episode 7 that she actually forgets about this regularly), because she’s too busy doting on everyone. Miyako is extremely affectionate, and one of her first actions in the entire series was to bring food for everyone, even though she’d just met them all. For all intents and purposes, she actually basically is the mom of the group (it’s just...she’s more of a disaster than you’d usually expect the archetype to be). And on top of that, she’s bright, and cheerful, and brings everyone’s spirits up -- that same overly dramatic, all-over-the-place nature that causes her to sometimes lose control is the same exuberance that leads her to go “Digital Gate, open! Chosen Children, let’s roll!”

Her ridiculous antics make people laugh. This happens twice at prominent plot points (Hikari in episode 31, and Ken in episode 38), and, heck, even her depiction in the epilogue is another moment of her causing her family to laugh. Miyako always has her heart in the right place; she cares about her friends deeply, and makes this very clear.

And Ken certainly must have come to recognize this himself by the end of the series, considering...

“Please don’t worry about me” -- or, in other words, what you say when you know someone is going out of their way to be emotionally invested in your welfare. Ken, still soft-spoken, polite, and respectful, by this point was well aware that Miyako was a fundamentally good person looking out for him -- so, in other words, he’d also hopped on the Inoue Miyako respect train.

And as I’ve pointed out many times, the 02 group was a little different from their seniors in that they were “social-life” friends -- people who enjoyed each other’s company even when it had nothing to do with Digimon incidents -- and so it meant that, in the end, they all really did have a lot of fondness for Miyako as a friend, and it really is that much easier to “forgive” your friend’s faults when you care about your friend that much. You have a friend who dotes on you and cares about you, and although she’s a little high-strung and off her rocker at times, she’s also bright and funny, so in the end, can you really fault her?

[so-i-dont-forget-again]

So I Don’t Forget Again: A Breath of The Wild fanfiction

Entry 151: Zora’s Domain

 After training and lunch Sidon and I went searching for history again. We would have brought Bossa Nova, but he had wandered off during training.

We went searching around Ruto Mountain. It reminded me of when we were just walking around the cliffs that faced the Akkala region. Just walking around and chatting. He did give me a scare though when he accidentally slipped on some rocks and slid down a shallow cliff. Thankfully it was not a long drop and he found some more history.

It’s rarer, but Sidon got embarrassed. He’s rather cute when sheepish, he has this little habit of scratching his cheek, even if he tries to hide being flustered, that gives him away. He apologized for worrying me, saying a prince ought to have more awareness of his surroundings.

It was about Mipha, her trident. When she was born the trident was made for her. From the start she was loved by everyone, she was even skilled in spearmenship, easily mastering the Zora’s form. After she died, everyone was devastated, it was like they all lost the most lovable, precious, strong person in the world. They tried sending her trident down the river as a funeral of sorts, but it began to glow, and they heard Mipha speak. She told them her and her trident were one, and to keep going on happily, to remember the past with fondness, it happened and not grief that it was over and to not cry. Since then, on the anniversary of the Calamity striking, they honor the trident as a holiday.

So, when I was given her trident, when I was told that with it she would be protecting me like she wanted, it wasn’t hyperbole or a metaphor, or whatever, they literally meant it. Mipha is literally with me.

Sidon asked me if I was alright. I told him I was the one who should be asking him that. The gesture of being given this trident, what had become my main weapon, the one I almost always go to for battle, something that is considered to be Mipha, it just means a lot. I can understand gifting me the armor she wanted to give me, but her trident, it almost feels to be too much. I just wish I could remember more about her. I want to know what our relationship was, and if she really was as great as everyone says. She honestly almost doesn’t sound real. Just perfect in every way. But then again, Sidon is here, so a person like that isn’t too far of a stretch. Sidon said he wasn’t perfect, but he strives to be, to be like his sister.

I asked Sidon if he was pressured to be like his sister. He admitted that at times, yes. Sometimes he felt he wasn’t good enough and couldn’t live up to her legacy, how when he was younger he would be compared to her often but that just meant he had to create his own legacy and be the kind of person everyone could love, but in a way different from Mipha. He said it’s like what I’ve done. I… didn’t understand. He seemed confused and asked to read through my memories, of the ones of my current time here. He told me there was something I hadn’t noticed.

It seems so blaringly obvious now.

I’m not being compared to the Hylian Champion from a hundred years ago. We are separate people. There’s the old, or I guess younger me, the me who fought with the champions, the one who Mipha loved, and the one who died. Then there’s me, a new champion. One who is more expressive than the one from long ago, one who’s made a reputation for being a troublemaker with an exceedingly kind heart. The new champion who gleefully plays with the children and help them with their pranks. The new champion who had such a big heart he searched across Hyrule’s waters for one single person. The new champion who fought along side their Prince to save them all, a person who rose from death itself just to help people. Someone who even when injured still wants to help by becoming a teacher. They see the old champion and the new champion as separate people now.

They haven’t talked about the past much being here this time, the old me. The old me exists, and is remembered, but I’m not him.

At times, it feels the Zoras speak of nothing of the past, but they live for so long, it only makes sense, it’s not history to them, they all remember it all, yet… Mipha and Sidon are both loved, but differently, and I, though the same person, am thought of differently, and now even treated differently.

That must be why it feels different this time, not as suffocating or sad. Its… like the feeling I have for Hateno, but different, like the love for Sidon and Mipha.

It’s nice.

We kept exploring around the cliffs.

We got a clear view of Mount Lanayru. There seemed to be this bluish-purpleish glow at some places. It’s not like the Luminous stones in the Domain, it’s something else. It’s odd. I never looked around there before. Maybe there’s some shrines to be found, maybe I could get some new equipment, hopefully something to keep warm in the snow since I’ll be going to Rito Village.

We had to do a bit of rock climbing and Sidon carried me the whole way. He slipped a few times but did very well.

We also walked along very tally, grassy areas and found a forest. I insisted we search around it. No matter how small or inconspicuous, I’m going to search every forest for the Master Sword. Sidon asked if this was what traveling was like. Sometimes, it really depended on the area and if I’m following roads or not. Sidon said he’d like to travel someday. It would be fun to have him and Yunobo tag along. Maybe I should visit him soon and see how Death Mountain is doing. Maybe he’d feel safe enough to travel now.

We found more history in the forest.

It was about a princesses Zora who fought alongside the princess of Hyrule and the legendary hero against a man who wanted to rule the world. The Divine Beast was named after her and it was believed to be fate for another princesses Zora to have been chosen to pilot it.

The sun was beginning to set, we should have gone back, but we decided to go searching for a little longer.

The Domain at night is beautiful. It reminded me of Death Mountain. I tried describing the gorgeous sight of that bright, hot lava against the stark darkness. Sidon said that usually if the Gorons and Zora wish to speak, the Gorons come to them, but perhaps, I could be his escort, take him up the mountain, and he could use a lot of potions to protect himself there. The Gorons respect strength so a Zora, a being who needs a cool moist climate, to go to their land, surely they’d respect that and make the ties between them stronger! Sidon wants his people to have good relations with everyone, working together would make everyone stronger than they are alone. The Hylians used to be more so the force that tied the Zora, Goron, Gerudo and Rito together, but with our power fallen, everyone has somewhat separated and Sidon wants to get everyone back together to be able to better help one another and fight against any more disasters like the Calamity. The visit could serve two purposes! If he was going to go there anyway with me, he might as well as get to know the Gorons. He spoke of it like it was certain we were going to visit one day. He told me that if he had the power, he’d do anything for me. He said that with all my travels, I’ve seen so many places, so if I specifically am fond of one area, it must be something more beautiful and unlike any other, he trusts my judgement.

We’ve been taking the river when traveling, but this time we just walked on the trail. Traveling by river and riding on his back is much faster than walking. We found another one. It was about his father and how he had defeated a guardian single handedly and saved the domain.

On the way back we found some blue nightshade flowers. He tucked them behind my ear and just said ‘adorable’, and then I was especially so when I blush and he did it with that toothy grin and why must he make my heart race so effortlessly! He’s doing it again even now just remembering it! AGAIN!

We found one last history piece one the way back, it was right by the road like the last one. Unlike the others, it was notably worn, decayed and uncared for. It was just barley legible, unlike the others. It’s close by town too, it’s almost impossible to miss it when coming and going from town via the trail. The others, some are nowhere near trails or water and were difficult to get to or to find yet were perfectly kept up. It was about me, when I defeated the lynel and earned the Zora helm.

Sidon just stared at it for a while. I couldn’t quite read his expression.

After a while he took my arm and lead me back to the medical bay. Before leaving me in my room, he kneeled down and just hugged me. He told me I am an amazing and sweet person. That I’m strong and courageous beyond belief. He told me I am such a marvel, how hard working I am is astounding. He was grateful he could call me his friend, and I deserved only the best the world had to offer. He asked if I knew I was loved. That people truly care about me and want nothing more than for me to be able to be happy and safe.

If no one else, I at least know without a doubt he cares.

Bossa Nova was asleep on the bed when I got to my room. He looked so comfortable I didn’t want to wake and move him.

Sidon asked if I thought I’d go to sleep. I’m too wide awake, I have too many things on my mind.

Sidon asked me to follow him.

He took me to the reservoir where Vah Ruta was attacking from. We were able to climb up it with a staircase. At the top there are several docks that line the top. Before the dock we were on there is this big, I think it’s called a gazebo? It has a roof and the framing for walls, but no actual walls. Along the frames there’s this counter that connects everything except for the entrance gap. On it are some trays, chalices, a jug and some tall thin glasses full of drinks. There are also a few seats by the counters. The back doesn’t have any pillars, not far beyond it though is the large wall we had to scale to get here. It’s a little taller than the reservoir itself. On the frames are the softly glowing stones, everything else is crystals. There’s also a large bed at the back. Sidon says it’s a water bed. The bed frame is like a cradle that holds this giant bag of water that’s the mattress. Because it’s water the mattress moves and readjusts when you’re on it. It’s so comfortable, and warm, the heat readjusts too.

Sidon told me we was not sure why this was here, maybe it was for entertaining the Hylian royalty when they came to visit the reservoir. Whatever the reason for it, he found it to be a nice spot. From here there’s a gorgeous view of the town and the surrounding nature. You can even see distant mountains and cliffs. It feels like it close to town, but also detached. Just me and Sidon, no one else. The night sky here seems endless. It’s a strange feeling being here.  Almost feel a little nervous being here with Sidon. Sidon is usually so calming which makes this even stranger. It’s not a bad kind of nervous though.

Its more windy here than it is in the canyon, more chilly too. Sidon and I hid in the bed, and it was so warm. Like standing in the morning sunshine in Gerudo desert.

Sidon loosely draped his arms around me and made sure he wasn’t touching my injured arm.

He wondered aloud if I could have my splint taken off for a while so I could take a bath, it might be relaxing if it wouldn’t hurt me. He wondered if we should visit Death Mountain before or after I face the Calamity.  He wondered if I’d take him everywhere across Hyrule, just go anywhere I wanted. He wondered aloud about us resting under the stars. He spoke very sweetly, just about us being together. Sidon kept talking, trying to stay awake, but he soon fell asleep. He’s hugging me in his sleep. Even when he’s not awake his touch is so strong and secure.

Bossa Nova can get food, and I’m sure Sidon will be able to wake me up, so maybe I’ll try to fall asleep tonight. No one can get hurt if I rest for now. The Rito need help, but I can’t go till this infection in me is gone, the doctors won’t allow me to go till I’m healed, so since I can’t help them anyway maybe I can rest for the night. Maybe it’d be okay, but I’m not sure if I even can.

First Page , Previous Page , Next Page 

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 50: Oops! All Supports Volume #8

The portal babies are going to be weird. Most of their Supports are going to come from the OAS entries. Add it onto the pile of close to thirty Birthright Supports I didn’t get to. Also, because this is Entry 50 and I hate myself, I’m doing twenty different Supports today instead of ten. God help me. I’m already a few days behind and this won’t help.

Support: Mana/Sophie

C: Kana manages to befriend Sophie's horse Avel, despite Avel normally being horrible.

B: Kana and Sophie see a burning building and Avel happily allows Sophie to ride him so she can save people.

A: Kana and Sophie discuss how Avel is loyal to Sophie, despite his assholeness, and will follow only her into battle.

S: Kana gets friendzoned.

Review: Not bad. Avel being a good horse when the chips are down is great. Also, this is the second time Kana’s been friendzoned. Poor kid.

Support: Corrin/Hinata 

C: Corrin finds Hinata training. Corrin is surprised, because they heard Hinata was lazy.

B: Hinata beats Corrin in a duel, so Corrin runs laps to get stronger.

A: Hinata reveals that he trains so hard because he lost a fight to Takumi once and wants to beat him.

S: Hinata does the promise to protect blah blah blah I like you blah blah thing.

Review: Not necessarily awful, but very generic and lacking any spark to make it stand out.

Support: Mitama/Shiro

C: Shiro finds Mitama sleeping outside. He wakes her and she heads to her room so she can take another nap.

B: Shiro explains that falling asleep on a battlefield is dangerous, Mitama explains that she's ensuring she's fully rested for battle.

A: Shiro takes a nap outside. Mitama agrees to stop sleeping outside as much.

S: Shiro asks Mitama to be his girlfriend.

Review: Very shallow. Mitama is somewhat amusing, but other than that this is completely forgettable.

Support: Dwyer/Selkie

C: Dwyer is woken up by Selkie chasing a bird.

B: Selkie gurts herself climbing a tree. Dwyer, not wanting to ignore a not-ugly lady in distress, tends her wounds.

A: Dwyer tries to convince Selkie to stop hurting herself. Selkie drags him off to go frolic.

S: Dwyer decides to tend to Selkie's wounds for the rest of his life. Selkie decides they should get married and claims she planned this from the beginning.

Review: A fun, cute fluff Support.

Support: Azura/Saizo

C: Saizo tells Azura that she doesn't trust her because she's from Nohr.

B: Saizo injures himself protecting Azura. Azura tends to his wounds. Saizo notices a scar on Azura and Azura explains that some noble children beat the shit out of her when she was a kid. Again, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bully the violent sadistic king's stepdaughter?

A: Saizo apologizes for forcing Azura to relive painful memories. Azura says he only has to say thank you and that she wants him to be her ally.

S: Saizo offers Azura a magic salve that can heal any scar. He doesn't use it because his scar is important and also HE'S A MANY MAN AND NOT A DELICATE LADY. Azura says she loves him despite the sexism.

Review: A very good Support that gives good characterization to both Azura and Saizo.

Support: Felicia/Takumi

C: Felicia runs into Takumi while carrying the laundry. Literally. Takumi grumpily helps her clean it up.

B: Takumi tries to yell at Felicia to be careful, she ignores him and talks about her hometown. Takumi insinuates there's a problem with how Felicia was raised and apologizes when she calls him out.

A: Takumi keeps an eye on Felicia to keep her from messing everything up. Felicia cries. Takumi praises her for being a hard worker.

S: Takumi asks Felicia to tell him about her village, because he likes her and she cares about it.

Review: Not bad, but could have had a bit more lore about Felicia’s village or had Takumi play a more active role.

Support: Kaden/Mozu

C: Kaden has a fatty piece of meat, which he doesn't want to eat because it's unhealthy. Mozu offers to cook the fat off. Kaden offers to split it.

B: Mozu makes a really good soup. She compares Kaden to a little kid for being impatient.

A: Kaden guts a fish, which makes Mozu think he's wise and mature. Sure, why not. Mozu says he's like a brother to her, because this game didn't have enough pseudo-sibling fucking.

S: Mozu says Kaden is everything she wants in a man.

Review: Overall, a fairly mediocre Support lacking a consistent throughline.

Support: Kagero/Setsuna

C: Setsuna is tasked with delivering important messages during a battle and forgets them, so Kagero is ordered to help Setsuna become a better messenger.

B: Kagero gives Setsuna sentences to repeat back to her. Setsuna forgets them immediately because she has the memory of a goldfish.

A: Kagero comes up with a better solution: babysitting Setsuna to make sure she doesn't fuck up.

Review: An overall decent Support. Although it raises one big question: who the hell thought it was a good idea to make Setsuna a messenger? They’re the real idiot in this army.

Support: Azama/Subaki

C: People have begun saying Azama and Subaki are training together. This angers Azama, who hates Subaki for pretending to be perfect. Subaki doesn't mind.

B: Azama goes on a hike and finds Subaki training alone so other people won't see him get tired.

A: Azama explains that the difference between them is that Subaki cares what other people think about him and Azama just doesn't give a shit.

Review: Overall a bit bland. Also how did the training rumors start? Part of me feels like this is an “oh my god they were roommates” scenario.

Support: Hinoka/Jakob

C: Jakob finds Hinoka training and praises her courage and fighting skill. Hinoka says she used to be trained in formal princess behavior, but through all that away to spend more time training. B: Jakob offers to train Hinoka in etiquette again. Hinoka ends up remembering everything anyway. A: Jakob explains that war is more than battle and courtly training is just as important. S: Jakob says he loves Hinoka. Hinoka points out how sudden this is, and Jakob offers to leave and come back later. They get together.

Review: Wow that romance came out of nowhere. They even point it out! Aside from that, this Support is very lackluster. It avoids all conflict by having Hinoka not have anything to learn and leaves Jakob without any development.

Support: Hisame/Kiragi

C: Hisame acts subservient and loyal to Kiragi. Kiragi asks him to treat him like a friend, similar to how Takumi and Hinata act. Hisame rejects this, saying Hinata should treat his betters with respect. Also they mention that Takumi and Hinata bathe together, which is interesting.

B: Kiragi says that they don't have to be master/servant just because their fathers are. Hisame suggests that they play shogi to become friends.

A: The two of them have fun playing shogi. Hisame acknowledges they're friends now.

Review: This one is interesting, analyzing that Hinata doesn’t really act like the retainer of a prince. Kiragi just wanting to be friends with Hisame is nice, and Hisame acting like an actual medieval person is interesting. I do wish this Support, and the game as a whole, had more analysis of class divides, though.

Support: Setsuna/Silas

C: Silas is attacked by an enemy archer. By an enemy archer, I mean Setsuna, who fell into a pit and fired arrows out to get his attention.

B: Setsuna does it again, almost injuring her fellow soldiers. Setsuna blushes while talking to Silas for...some reason.

A: Setsuna falls in a pit and accidentally kills a bunch of enemies while firing arrows.

S: Silas proposes. Halfway through the proposal, Setsuna falls into a pit. Silas rescues her and she immediately does it again.

Review: This is a fun Support. Setsuna being more willing to shoot Silas than ask for help is relatable. Setsuna taking out enemies by accident and wandering off in the middle of a confession is hilarious. Also, between this and the Kagero Support, I’m starting to think Setsuna is a liability.

Support: Midori/Shigure

C: Midori shows Shigure her herb garden. In the middle of it is a pretty flower bub that Midori likes.

B: Shigure helps Midori garden.

A: The flower blooms; Midori says it's a rare flower that is a symbol of happiness.

S: Shigure tells Midori to stay out of battle because he can't bear to see her hurt. When Midori refuses, Shigure instead vows to protect her throughout the war and after.

Review: This one had a surprisingly good S-Rank. I like the idea of Shigure being paranoid about his loved ones getting hurt because he’s already lost his entire village. Unfortunately, other than that, this Support is fairly bland.

Support: Asugi/Dwyer

C: Dwyer somehow manages to beat Asugi in a fight. Asugi challenges him to a rematch and Dwyer leaves to take a nap.

B: Asugi spies on Dwyer all day to find out how he trains. Dwyer does nothing but nap. Dwyer reveals that Jakob beat fighting skills into him as a kid so he doesn't have to train anymore.

A: Asugi challenges Dwyer to a baking contest. Dwyer forfeits before it even begins.

Review: Not bad. Dwyer completely shutting Asugi down out of laziness is fun.

Support: Hinata/Rinkah

C: Rinkah watches Hinata fight. She tells him it's a miracle he isn't dead, considering how sloppy he fights.

B: The two of them spar. Hinata is surprisingly powerful, but Rinkah matches him hit for hit. Rinkah decides to mix Hinata's moves into her one fighting style. A: Hinata and Rinkah fight again, drawing.

S: Hinata asks Runkah to take him to the Flame Tribe...as her husband.

Review: Fairly mediocre. I’ve seen a dozen sparring Supports already and this one lacks anything new.

Support: Jakob/Takumi

C: Takumi asks Jakob to help him train in secret. Jakob says no.

B: Corrin orders Jakob to help Takumi. Takumi snipes arrows off Jakob's head like William Tell.

A: Jakob tells Takumi that his need for others to recognize his skill is immaturity.

Review: Goddamn, Takumi. There are better ways to train than accidentally killing your sister’s retainer! Other than that this is mediocre; Jakob calling out Takumi’s immaturity is nice, but it isn’t built up properly.

Support: Caeldori/Hisame

C: Caeldori and Hisame are tasked with cleaning a shed together because they're the only competent soldiers. Caeldori brings up her respect for her father and Hisame changes the conversation.

B: Hisame explains that he doesn't respect Hinata because Hinata is a moron. Caeldori is disgusted by the idea of not respecting her father.

A: Caeldori apologizes for being forceful. Hisame says that he actually hates Hinata because he's jealous of Hinata's laid-back attitude.

S: Caeldori and Hisame get together because they're smarter than everyone else.

Review: Contrasting their differing views towards their fathers is nice, but the idea that Hisame is jealous of Hinata is ridiculous.

Support: Kiragi/Selkie

C: Kiragi and Selkie race through the woods and notice a group of suspicious men hanging around.

B: Kiragi saves Selkie from the men, who are poachers.

A: Selkie criticizes herself for being too trusting. Kiragi it wasn't her fault and that her kindness is one of her best traits.

S: Kiragi apologizes for allowing Selkie to be captured in the first place and asks Selkie to date him so he can protect her.

Review: Look, follow up to Selkie’s Paralogue! Kiragi being heroic is nice, but Selkie is a bit of a damsel in distress in this one.

Support: Fana/Midori

C: Kana has a sore throat. Midori's medicine doesn't work.

B: Midori tries new medicine. It still doesn't work.

A: Midori realizes Kana needs dragon medicine.

Review: That was a bunch of nothing. I think this is the shortest Support line I’ve read, and damn is it forgettable.

Support: Corrin/Hana

C: Hana is mean to Corrin because Corrin made Sakura sad by being kidnapped. Sakura isn't very smart.

B: Corrin asks about Hana's family, who are also Samurai, and says they apreciate Hana's ambition because they didn't have any when isolated. Hana mentions that her inspiration is her father, a samurai who prerished honorably protecting Sumeragi. Corrin says that dying in and of itself shouldn't be respected. Hana gets mad and storms off.

A: Corrin explains that Hana shouldn't throw her life away because it would make Sakura sad.

S: Corrin says he actually wants Hana to keep living because he has feelings for her. Protect eachother yada yada yada.

Review: I’m torn on this one. It gives backstory for Hana and at least tries to say something meaningful about dying in battle, but the C-Rank has Hana act ridiculous.