#these are basically journal entries at this point

[hersurvival]

"take half a pill before bed for one week then increase to one whole pill" there on the label and i already know what i am in for, that transitory period of starting new medication.

this is all incredibly recent, february. i have been suffering through it all, 27 years, until i found myself crying at work because of "ocd tendencies" they say, i say, because put that way, it's not definitive, but a maybe.

and since february, i have lost myself in the haze six times. six. already. (and one abrupt withdrawl period as an experiment from one doctor which was ill-advised by every subsequent professional i have seen after). and tonight we risk another. for these unanswered for tremors.

they say before bed as it will "make me drowsy" and at first that was exciting, it is what i wanted, but as it gets later, as the light outside grows dimmer, i am scared of becoming tired.

"i have a phobia of sleep" she told me and i told her "i have been scared of my dreams since i was five." this past week i have been dying every night that my body, my brain, something, has been refusing to let me drift back, there is no peace. i didn't fall asleep until 930 this morning, phone in hand, an hour and a half of mismatched baggage under my eyes before another appointment in the city.

i have spent the last several months dreaming on schedule, waking every two hours, all night, dying, panicking, resetting my mind to hit replay. but i don't think i am ready for this, what if i get stuck, trapped, will i spend six hours experiencing the nothingness of death? is it worth it? there was a time in my life i could rest. wasn't there?