#theres too many of u get fucked
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Happy Sep Heap Sunday, have some boys ft. Edd & Erik "Bear Hug" Heap. Images have ID!
#septimus heap#simon heap#erik heap#edd heap#theres too many of u get fucked#does simon interact with edd or erik directly at some point in the books? doesn't matter#i didnt ever read starchaser btw#chinolart
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@vulpixisananimal
[Soothing Restful Song]
[You hear a bell. Chiming, tolling, calling your name.]
#HIIII PIIIIIX DID U MISS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#i have. normal thoughts on mirabelles new attack. anyway did u know the script project refers to the sound of her reflecting—#—the kings attack as a bell sound. bc i do!#smth smth the bell it tolls for thee. u get it#dont worry abt the fact that theres tears in the attack. im sure thats fine and means absolutely nothing#in other news i found it kinda ironic that her attack is full of change circles. bc its the opposite of change. so i changed it!#all the circles are now incomplete! symmmmbolismmmm :3c#i also think its neat that yours doesnt have her actual Craft Shape so i kept that. instead i made the clock hands into stars. :3c#love drawing meeble. i figured her out last week and its great#my art#sifstem#siffrin system au#isat mirabelle#mirabelle isat#isat spoilers#in stars and time#i was also considering showing her danglys but. hides her change symbols. :3cccccccc#im SO proud of how this turned out. god. i literally went into my sketchbook to doodle it and then suddenly this was on my tablet#its got so many goddamn effect layers too...#worth it lol#im sure mirabelles feeling SO normal abt freezing someone in time. yknow. the thing the king did. im sure thats fine.#im sure its not worrying at all that shes capable of doing that. using the Craft That Fucking Kills You.#god i love the sifstem au its SO COOL
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POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw gore#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi suckening#jrwi gabriel#jrwi gabriel montez#LOOK FAMILIAR?hahahahahDONT WORRY#IM REUPLOADING THIS HERE BC i fixed up the drawing a lil. and also i wanted to add main tags#U WONT SEE ANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THISSUN N THE POST ON MY SIDEBLOG.i changed the image there too.HA!!!!!!!#ANYWAY.i rambled plenty about pain and gabe on my sideblog.SO LETS TALK ABT THE ART SHALL WE.ihad i very hard time getting the colors down#would u believe i nearly left this uncolored??FUCKED UP!! it was only a sketchhow did it end up like this. it was only a sketch...#BUT IM RLY GLAD I WENT W COLORING IT.this time i actually used the airbrush n pencil tools BUT i also have a handy dandy brush i made#its just the mspaint air brush tool. fucking LOVE THAT THING. but now its in fire alpaca and it can be slightly transparent.IT LOOKS SOGOOD#perfect for splatters and grime.i love you mspaint i love youuu.im also so happy w the blood here.i think i reached a shift last year#back when i made that genloss fanart something abt the way i draw blood finally CLICKED and im like OH. the inside must always be darker.#like i KNEW that already but it was like my hand itself finally had it click.i wonder what i will learn next?I LIKE THE ORGANS HERE TOO#not as veiny or thready as i usually draw em. but i think thats fine. not as WET as id like em to be but thats also fine.#i got the point across. the point ofc being WOW THIS IS GRUESOME AND PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE#I LOVE HIS EXPRESSION.i love pain and thinking abt pain. you lose yourself to it after enough time passes of just being in an ocean o agony#at one point its just too tiresome to scream or writhe. theres a point when the body accepts it.sometimes.atleast.#OHHH GABRIEL AS A CHARACTER DELIGHTS ME SO MUCH.he is a dog to me.a thing to serve others.I WISH I KNEW MORE#WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT BOY?? SURE POWER AND SECURITY AND SAFETY ARE NICE.BUT DID YOU HAVE DREAMS? WANTS? PASSIONS?#WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THAT TIGER TATTOO ON YOUR ARM?WHAT DO THE DOGTAGS SAY BOY?I WISH I COULD HAVE TEA W U#OHHH TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHARACTER AND JUST SPEAK TO THEM. AND YET. AND YET IN THE END ITS ALL TRAGEDY AND COMEDY#TRAGEDY AND COMEDY THAT IS SO SO PAINFULLY UNBALANCED. SIGH.#WHATEVER CMERE BOY YOURE BECOMING AN OC OF MINE NOW UR GONNA BE IN SPACE AND UR NAME IS GONNA BE VINEGAR#UR STILL GONNA BE SHIP OF THESEUSED THOUGH. OOOHHH GABRIEEELLL GABRIEL MONTEEEZZZ#HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE BUILT INTO YOU.HOW MANY DID YOU LOVE AND CHERISH.HOW MANY TATTOOS DO U RECOGNIZE ON UR NEW ARMS#WHAT WAS IT LIKE? ON THE NIGHT U WERE SIRED?WERE YOU EXCITED? DID YOU SEE YOUR BOSS' FACE?WHAT WAS THIS PROMOTION LIKE?
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more hands but its of my favs
#my art#garrett thief#thief 4 oc#tidbit of garrett content#i could yap about these guys forever#they arent romantic or touchy or anything but i like to think wraith that plays with his fingers a little bit#cuz she likes the warmth#and also a bit of envy since shes err uh undead#again i keep fucking up garretts grunginess#they shouldve kept his polish im always going to think about it#anyway i like drawing hands and i like my oc a lot k bye#i still get nervous posting wraith content theres too many of u guys now
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Love this body type post SOOOO much. Thinking of this rudeass that tried to fight me how inaccurate bruces height and weight was (6’5/250lbs) in the replies of my OWN post, and how he needed MORE weight to be considered a brick house (bc they themselves were 220 and 6’2 and in their words ‘had a little bit of muscle’), then immediately ignored their own statement and got upset when i mentioned i wanted jason to be slightly taller and 40 lbs heavier. Suddenly thats TOO fat and im stupid. Fucking moron.
#chattin#the assumption that people- ESPECIALLY creators- are idiots that wont research anything is so upsetting#this fucker lives in my autistic brain RENTFREE why would i not do the research ?? why would i just make up numbers???#that reply is still so funny to me. ‘im a similar height and weight w SOME muscle so ur obviously wrong. make him bigger’#‘well heres another character that is bigger-‘ ‘u cant do that hes too fucking fat - its unhealthy’#???#what do u want from me man !#unless ur an olmypic level athlete ur thoughts dont mean shit !#theres a weightlifter thats 300+ lbs and only a couple inches taller than me!!!!#strength is so diverse and u have to me closeminded or an idiot to assume otherwise#LITERALLY my inspo for clark is shotputters/discus throwers!#bruce is a one in a million kind of endurance/strength/gymnast athlete!#dick is a whopping 50 lbs lighter than bruce despite being a couple inches shorter than him#body types MEAN something#specializing and honing ur body to do a specific thing MEANS something !#there are so many fat athletes bc! and i know this is shocking for so many people#but its bc its GOOD that they are fat! their sport DEMANDS it !#u can complain all u want but if a fat weightlifter punches u in the face u are not getting up. for ever .
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critical thinking not being taught as a skill rly rly has its impact on cultures long term like cultures where the education is based more on memorisarion rather than genuine problem solving/thinking for urself tend to be so clearly different in the way they approach their outlooks towards politics and society etc etc
#i think its quite common in asian cultures unfortunately#like seeing fellow iranians be pro-israel based on The Most Fucked Up inconsistent logic ever is like . hmm ://#why am i shocked . like ofc it would go like this. GET IT TOGETHER OMG#like u of all ppl should know why this is so wrong#ive seen this sorta thing in a bunch of other countries in the continent too like. having no opinion on the genocide is#perfectly ok for so many ppl there and for . FOR WHAT. the reasoning can stand maybe 10 seconds of questioning max#i wish i could just slap everyone awake . shake them by the shoulders and just LOOK !! LISTEN FOR A SECOND !!! U CANT IGNORE THE CARNAGE !#pls do not interpret this uncharitably btw it def does not apply to everyone and theres so many lovely things abt west asia and et#im iranian i love iranians generally but this js just a massive flaw we need to talk abt as a culture
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slowly. but surely. cleaning out. my fucking room.
#theres just. a lot of stuff 😭😭😭😭😭#part of it is simply furniture and organising (i lost a bookshelf in the move and im realising#that if i still had it/one then a lot of stuff wouldnt be on the ground)#but. a not insignificant part i simply need to get rid of#if it were easy as throwing it away thats one thing...#but like. eg. i have so so much fabric. i cant throw that shit out but what do i do with it??? 😭😭😭😭#and so so much yarn...#which im already trying to use up but all thats done is having me leave half done projects lying around💀#kind of accepted i probably wont be making paper again so getting rid of a lot of paper scraps#might repurpose the box id been using to store the papermaking stuff...#there is just a LOT#but even cleaning/tidying small parts is good... oughhhh#you might wonder. what finally brought u to actually starting to clean.#the answer is. have been killing roaches#so one. too many fucking places for them to hide#two. my dad was planning on fumigating and its probably better to have a room thats easier to move things around#also re things like fabric like i KNOW theres options eg donating. selling. fabric swap or whatever#but thats EFFORT to actually set up 💀#anyways discovering brand new places i didnt know existed on fb marketplace
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There's a surprising amount of fanfics where illuso, through some sort of time bending magic or necromancy reasons, gets brought back to life and Giorno's like "yeah lemme pardon him. even tho he tried to kill us and he sucks." just so Sheila has a reason to not feel like he's super righteous and good and confronts him or wtv. Like first of all if illuso came back, Giorno wouldn't fucking pardon him he'd send him over to Sheila so she can actually kill him this time. This man tried to murder them, they considered people traitors for less 😭😭 also if u want a reason for Sheila to feel "let down" and angry at Giorno there's like, a thousand reasons u do not need to make up an ooc scenario for it I promise you....
#fugo.txt#jjba#(?#phf#idk of this counts as sheilaposting.. why did i even decide to start tagging my posts ...#LIKE there's literally so many ways to do this idea but u decided ye he would forgive. the dude that tried to kill him and kidnap trish.#the guy that beat our asses. yea well im gonna pardon him#HUH? HUH? HUH? IS IT CRACK. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SMOKING. ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK.#HE WOULD NOT FUCKING DO THAT!!!!#He'd be like oh this is convenient. and call up Sheila so she can get closure through insurmountable violence#idk like. if u want sheila to be mad at him and kick his ass theres a thousand other reasons#like the fact hes fucking LYING to her face like she's dumb. lying to EVERYONES faces.#<- lying BADLY too literally the least believable lie ive heard.#or the fact he was one of the guys that stole her goddamned kill. if you rlly wanna go the illuso way.#but... this isn't it ngl#ab a very specific fanfic i read a while ago
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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listen i love animals too but sometimes dog people are so fucking gross, i just saw this tiktok vid where this lady is cooking dinner and halfway through the video she took a piece of raw beef from the meal, let her dog lick it off her hands, and then kept cooking without washing her hands even though she had dog slobber all over her hands like GIRL WHAT?!?!?????? i love my pet too but holy shit i also love being you know hygienic??? barf vomit gag hurl etc
#that video has to be a troll bc theres no way#she has to have made that just to get attention i physically cannot believe someone would cook like that and serve the meal to ppl#but honestly if it isnt a troll it wouldnt be that hard to believe bc dog people are just like that#i know so many dog people who are so fucking obnoxious. ok im obnoxious about my cat being my son but#i dont bring him inside stores or to other ppls houses without asking at least lmfao#plus lets be real theres a huge difference between my cat being with me at another person’s house#where he’ll literally just sleep the entire time#versus someone’s big ass dog coming over to another person’s house where they’ll run around and tear things up???#doesnt matter anyways bc i always ask if monkey can come over and accept the answer given#that is if i even want to take him out which i rarely do bc i hate dragging him around lol and he hates it too#but do u get what im saying at least. yeah#cats > dogs#i love dogs but cats are just so much better and cat ppl have better vibes there i said it
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I think my problem is that everything always comes back to danny phantom with me
#-_-#is it a problem? maybe. do i care? not really.#is it unhealthy? also maybe. am i going to talk about it? absolutely not. unless i get shitfaced drunk#which. actually might fix me a little. just to get suuuuper fucked up and talk about all my brain shit.#why i have such complicated relationships with a lot of things that i genuinely enjoy. head in hands.#i need 2 do like. a hard reset on my brain tonight. im thinking too many things in too many differen directions#i just need to lock onto ONE THING to focus on. but theres so much#iiiiis tonight a good night to eat the microwave pancakes. what do u think.#i do have work in the morning and cannot call off without leaving my coworker on a solo day. so . hmmmm maybe not#i was going 2 stream dredge again tomorrow. and then maybe after that.#who knows. i need that shit out of my freezer though so i stop looking at it
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save me old flipnote studio MVs.......
#im going thru old flipnotes i used to watch years ago and ouggghhg so many good ones#is twenty one pilots still popular.... do people still remember the TRNDSTTER and marble soda meme.........#its like im unlocking some sort of primal part of my brain and everything is coming back to me. one of my biggest inspirations as a kid#i still remember thinking the final transmission lyrics were the coolest thing and watching =TopHat= Bee and Melissa over and over#theres a very specific feeling of longing and nostalgia looking back and watching these again years later#especially when there isnt anything genshin or mcyt and instead its either fnaf undertale eddsworld or another obscure#interest... and not even fnaf sister location its like fnaf 3 and 2. its THAT old. and a lot of oc MVs especially pokemon ocs and furries..#god but they were so creative u know. i still find it amazing ppl took this little lightbox animation on the fucking NINTENDO DS and#cranked it all the way to 11.. like if u look at the transitions and movement its so fucking fluid its insane..!! HOW DO YOU MAKE THE#CHARACTERS SPIN??? AND CHANGING CAMERA ANGLES??? and keep in mind youre doing this all with a shitty stylus#on a THREE BY TWO INCH SCREEN. you only get two layers you can go up to 29FPS and you only have 999 slides to work with#and 24FPS eats up a lot of that. absolutely insane it literally boggles my mind every time i think about it. AND SOME ARE EVEN FULL COLOR#i forgot how popular EDM was back then too...they were really good for timing beats though so you get a lot of MVs with#strobe last and marble soda. porter robinsons goodbye to a world was also popular with undertale and oc MVs. also a lot of vocaloid#someone made a flipnote abt the warner bros fnaf movie being announced EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. it even used the stay calm audio from#the office.... i wonder how theyre doing now... i love you shitty grainy MV audio.. but i have mixed feelings abt the flashing colors#ppl LOVED animating the sans vs frisk fight. aishite and primadonna were also big ones they were SICK AS FUCK#lots of these inspired my old oc designs.. a lot of my characters had side bangs with one eye covered. animal ears and simple eyes too#now i kinda wanna try my hand at the marble soda meme cause i loved it as a kid lol.. i wonder if i should compare my old and new art here#UGHHHH IM SO NORMAL ABOUT NOSTALGIA. IM SO NORMAL ABT MY SCHOOL BOOK DRAWINGS WITH SHIBA BROWS#yapping#nostalgia
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"the difference between a conspiracy and fact is time" isnt always true because some things are just genuinely loony and wrong but. boy oh boy is it true in too many cases
#remember when mass surveillance was considered a crazy conspiracy theory? right. thanks snowden#remember when international elite pedophilie rings and islands were a crazy conspiracy? thanks epstein#remember when mind control and government experimentation on people and Mind Control were a conspiracy? right. thanks mkultra and proof of#postmodernism being infiltrated into everything artificially#remember when saying the war on terror is bullshit and the wars were faught for oil and infleunce would get u called crazy? welpppp yea mos#of us sure agree today. hey. u know theres government documents which talk about funding extremist rebel groups in south america in order t#justify us fucking around? hey. u know how many governments around the world the us collapsed?#.#hey?#what exactly makes the idea that they killed kennedy who was trying to stop the cia bullshit - and then the cia director he fired oversaw#the case crazy? and what makes the idea that they were involed in 911 crazy exactly?#and its allllll coincidence right. right#right...... you notice how with a lotta these fuckin things they ended up being very much true?#...... theyve got no fucking morals and an insanely bad track record#theyre responsable for how many wars deaths genocides rapes tortures coups throughout the world#i dont trust shit and there aint a think i think is too bad for them to do#anyway. ill place my bets on israel knowing the 8th was gonna happen and wanting it to#why fund hamas for years then. and how the fuck did all their intelligence and surveillance and million high tech american inventions miss#this
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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