#theres no place for javier in his life anymore and he knows that

[carpathians]

also beaver hollow makes me so insane for. real reasons but also for reasons i entirely made up. tbh

[ramos-elliot]

Elliot Javier Ramos

TW: intoxicated driving accident and death while pregnant

Born June 17th, Elliots life seemed bound for success from the start. His father being a pastor, and his mother a nurse, they seemed like the picture perfect family. Attending church every Sunday and believing in the almighty seemed like a normal thing. The only thing Elliot saw that everyone around him also did every week. He just wasnt sure if everyone else was being told they would find themselves in hell if they didnt attend one Sunday, or that their friends were Satans children because their families didnt attend church, or believe.

He found himself in church groups almost everyday after school, always believing what he was taught and shown in the place. If you had sex before marriage youd go to hell, if you got a divorce then God wouldnt accept you anymore. If you were gay, or into the same sex in any way then you were going to hell with no chance at forgiveness. The list could go on and on if he wanted it to, but not all items swirled around his head at all times. 

When Elliot was about 10, he has always remembered one event, almost as if it was was a fixed to his memory permanently. His older cousin David had called everyone into the living room during his graduation party. Everyone expected him to finally tell them what college he had gotten into, so they all gathered round. Smiles adorning their faces as they awaited the news. But what they got wiped the smile off most peoples faces, and was replaced with the look of dissapointment. He had told them he was gay, and in a relationship. Some of the family was willing to look past it, or simply pretend it didnt exist. But some didnt, the important somes. He was forced out of the family. Told to never return, that he wasnt welcome as long as he was going through his phase, whatever that meant. For years, Elliot could never figure out why that was stuck in his head. Almost on a constant loop. And then he met Tristan.

Elliot could always appreciate a females beauty. Finding most to be pretty, or beautiful, each in their own way. But none giving him the feeling people always described when they talked to him about love. He would find himself having little day dreams about the boys in his classes. Having to snap himself out of them, usually ending in a speech about how its a sin. But he couldnt help himself, and slowly he found himself thinking about the flamboyant boy more and more.

He admired him at first. The fashion the boy wore, how he was aware of the air around him.. Knowing who he was, and not caring how the world perceived him. He seemed to be everything Elliot wished to be, but couldnt be. Or rather, would die before admitting. And somehow the flamboyant boy had broke Elliot down. One conversation at a time. He felt like he could be himself around Tristan, like a part of himself had been unlocked, and it frightening him more than he was prepared to handle, but it made him feel alive.

Until they went to far for him to process. To far with someone to close to home. To close to his parents and family. Someone who he had to see everywhere, and anywhere. It filled Elliot with anxiety, not knowing how to process his thoughts. Let alone his feelings, but he knew things were changing. He just wasnt sure how they were going to.

He turned to one of his closest female friends, starting a relationship with her, forcing himself to be straight. They “dated” for a couple of months, before they decided to have sex. For Elliot, it was the deciding factor if he truly was the one thing he was taught to truly hate, and look down on. Unfortunately his ex girlfriend, or beard for a lack of a better term, had gotten pregnant. His life flashing before his eyes of being stuck with someone he had no romantic or sexual interest in. His parents would for sure have made him stick with her and become a father. But when she was six months pregnant she was killed on a walk in the park, heading home from her best friends house. That was the second time his life stilled to a stop.

When things did end up changing it was instant regret from Elliot. Everyone told him that when somones filled with so much self hatred and doubt they push all of those feelings onto someone who reminds them of themselves. And that was exactly what he did, he took all his emotions and dumped them onto Tris. All the years of being trained to see homosexuals as this dirty cheap and wrong thing, that they were below him and didnt deserve what he had. He pushed all of that onto the one person in his life that had truly made him feel accepted and cared for. Unfortunately, he didnt realize what mistakes he was making until it was to late.

When he had left for college, he made sure he went to church. Even though his connection to God had weakened considerably over the years, he felt it was the right thing to do. A lot had happened in his life, and the only thing he had ever known was praying to God for forgiveness and acceptance. But he was realizing that the way he felt, the way he acted with Trsitan, it wasnt a phase. He truly liked the same gender, in the way he had been told to like the opposite gender. He found himself on Grinder more, driving late at night out of town for hookups, but he still lived in fear of people finding out. 

He was going to college for music, all aspects of the word. The history, the production, the instruments, the vocals, anything he could learn about it. It was the only thing in the twisted world he lived in that had never wobbled or changed. He always had a passion for music for as long as he can remember, for both him and his brother. Elliot was the second born, his brother having been seven years older, they had an interesting relationship though. When he was a toddler, and theres home videos for proof, him and his brother would perform mini concerts to 70s rock music for the family. He had made the decision to pursue music as a way to stay closer to his brother.

Elliot was ten. His brother had left for a party with friends, only a ten minute drive from the house. He had promised their mom he would stay safe. His friend had been drinking at the party, and they had decided to head to a different one on the opposite side of town. The car was found in the embankment, flipped upside down. Everyone in the vehicle had died on impact. He had lost his hero that night, and the only thing that kept any ounce of joy in his life was music. That was the first time his world had stopped.

He was living his life in a cycle of fear and confidence. One second feeling on top of the world and not caring what anyone has to say. The next praying that his parents never found out about the biggest secret he had going. He hardly knew himself half the time, but he did know he would always be willing to drop everything for those he cared for. And maybe that was his biggest downfall, listening to others expectations of him in a way, but maybe he was ok with parts of it.