#theres a solid chance that will never happen but damn if i havent thought about it at least

[hopefulstarfire]

here's the truth; I get more writing done in rps than I do anything else. Like. I guess my brain just sees it as this little treat and can be productive that way versus me actually writing and staring at a screen hoping I'm getting all of this right.

[bowtied-pasta]

I know you would have prefered anon, so I did it for you! 🤗

I went back and forth with @creepy-bi-day about this exact thing because I am a simp for this dude, so I will be partially using an idea that we talked about together.

Noah panics as he makes another god awful loop on the boardwalk from hell and is faced with the Observer standing there, about 20 feet away.

He waves and begins slowly walking toward him, an unnerving smile on his face as he begins to laugh.

Noah startles and starts to move backward, not taking his eyes off of the creep as he gets ready to bolt, until the being drops. Fainting and hitting the boardwalk as the world around them seems to waiver, like the heat you can see coming off of a surface in summer.

His head starts to hurt the longer he continues to stare at it, and he has to shut his eyes, his body feeling out of place and unwelcome as the world around him gave way.

Until it stopped, and he cracked open an eye to see that the world looked normal. He was out.

He laughed as he couldnt believe his eyes. Walking forward as he heads toward the parking lot where he’d hopefully still find his car, until he realizes that the Observer was still laying on the boardwalk infront of him.

He freezes, waiting for movement, and flinches as the being groans. Working to make his way up into a sitting position. Looking around at his surroundings and freezing once his eyes land on him.

“Uh..... Hi. Would you mind telling me who I am?” He says, and his head tilts a bit to the side, confusion apparent and eyes wide.

Noah fumbles. What the fuck do you mean you dont know who you are? Theres no way this could be.... theres no way he has one.

He laughs as he stumbles away from you, shaking his head in disbelief at the luck he had. The Observers soulmate, that bastards soulmate, right here in front of him. And they had no idea what was going on. How perfect could this be?

The person infront of him stood slowly, taking a cautious step toward him. “Are you okay?”

Noah recovers quickly, knowing he would miss his chance if he didnt pull himself together and do what he needed to do. “Ahaha.... yeah. Im good. Its just... weve both been waiting for this kind of thing to happen. Just didnt expect it now. Gave me a heart attack when... Kevin.... dropped like that. Thought I was gonna have to call 911 or something.”

The stranger infront of him seems to accept this as truth, good. He can get them to trust him faster if they were gullible. Better to keep them out of the loop. That way, he can find the location of a possibly depowered Observer, and take advantage of his vulnerable form.

This is, of course, assuming the Observers powers were bound to his chosen form. Its the best shot hes had all this time and he’d be damned if he didnt take it though.

“Alright... and you said his name is Kevin? Good to know. Well, we can head to mine so we can go back to our own bodies. Or, if thats inconvienient for you, we can just wait wherever this is-“

“No,” he cuts them off. Setting his horribly thought out plan into motion. “We can head to yours. Faster that way. He always had a horrible sense of time and direction.”

They give a small nod, taking the information easily, not having any reason not to trust the man infront of them. “Cool. We can head that way whenever. I’m... not really sure where we are, but I know my address. Of course. So I can just enter it in the gps and we can go off of that.”

“Sounds good. Just gotta stop by my place for a few things and we can go.” He says as he moves in the direction of his car once more, moving a bit faster than normal.

You sigh, the form of your soulmate an odd thing to experience first-hand. Nothing could have really prepaired you for what waking up in another persons body would entail, but you were just glad you would be able to get back to your own body soon. That is, if your soulmates friend, Noah, would hurry up and get out of his house.

You were shocked when he finally did, revealing he had cleaned himself up and was carrying a bag. Locking up his house and looking around multiple times before getting back in the car.

“Was getting worried for a second there, thought I would have to come get you.” You laugh a bit, trying to lighten his mood as he appeared to be anxious for one reason or another.

He was silent as he put his bag next to him on the floor of the drivers seat. An odd place to put it, and it was probably uncomfortable, but who were you to judge.

He pauses to look over at you, seeming to contemplate his answer before starting the car. “Uh.... yeah. Sorry for taking so long, just had to make sure everything was still okay. I actually havent been to my place for awhile. Family stuff.”

You take the information easily, nodding your head to his words as he starts to drive, following the gps commands to turn.

You wake up as the car comes to a complete stop, and being turned off. You gues you had fallen asleep during the drive over and now felt bad for Noah. You look out the windows at your neighborhood, a cloudy night making everything appear dark and ominous, but being familiar with the area you felt nothing but comfort with the view.

“Oh good, we made it to my place. Im sorry I fell aslee-“ you cut yourself off as you turn to look at Noah. Finding a gun pointed directly at your head.

“Get out of the car.”

You freeze as your hand slowly moves toward the handle of your door, unbuckling yourself with your other hand.

You stumble out of the car, mind still on autopilot as you watch Noah get out of the car, walking around it to grab you and position the gun closer to your head.

“Im sorry. Im sure youre a great person, but it has to happen this way.” He says as he forces you to walk toward your front door, waiting for you to unlock it and open it, taking a cautious step inside and closing the door behind him with his foot omce you both make it in.

He backs himself up to the door, grabbing you and keeping you secured to him with one arm while his other hand holds the gun to your head. “Come out you fucker! Its time!”

You wait in silence, tears streaming down your face as you begin processing just exactly what was going on. And you crying become audible as you see your soulmate walk around the corner in your body. Face blank with boredom, as if expecting this occurance and taking it in stride. Like he had planned for this.

“Well, Noah. What exactly do you plan to get out of this? You know I cant be killed.” You hear your voice say, your body taking a step closer and setting Noah off.

Noah whips the gun toward your soulmate, making you unfreeze and grab his arm. Moving it away from your soulmate, and causing Noah to misfire. The bullet going into your wall.

“NO!” And with that, he seems to disappear. His grasp on you having gone loose before he did, and he had seemingly been trying to keep solid contact with you.

“Well. That was interesting. Cant wait to play with him myself, but that will have to do for now.” You turn to look at your soulmate again, feeling odd to look at your own body like this, and feeling confusion and awe.

“I.... what was that? Where did he go? Why did he want you dead? Is your name even Kevin? Who are you really?” Questions just kept spilling out of your mouth, one after the other, until he got tired of it apparently.

He moves toward you, his hand grabbing yours as your faces are brought close together. His free hand under your chin, keeping eye contact with you as he does so. You never thought your eyes could be so pretty to look at, but then again, you had never seen them as a different person before.

“Close your eyes, little one, youre very likely to faint again.” As he says this, he closes the distance and seals your change back with a kiss.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

[droewyn]

Give Me a Reason (4/9)

<Part 1>     <Part 2>     <Part 3>

November, 2013

The boy on the ice was new to the Grand Prix series, and it was clear that he wouldn’t be advancing to the final.  His triples were shaky and he wasn’t even attempting a quad.  Not that quads were required, Victor reminded himself.  Just last year he’d taken them out of his programs at Euros on a dare and had still won by a comfortable margin, purely on the strength of a clean skate and high PCS marks.  Yakov had been apoplectic, of course, and had forbidden him from pulling such a stunt at Worlds, but it had honestly been the most fun Victor had had at a competition in years.

The boy – Chulanont, from Thailand – was fun to watch, though.  He danced his program with a cheerfulness that was infectious, and he had the audience clapping along to the music within moments.  A popped triple axel and a two-footed landing on a triple-double combination didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest, though Victor knew he had to be disappointed.  But Chulanont’s spins were solid, and his steps…

Who does that step sequence remind me of, he wondered.  A flash of blue and silver teased at Victor’s memory, crowned in a mop of dark hair.  Oh yes, that Japanese skater. Yuuki something?  Yoshi?  I wonder if Chulanont is his fan.  It bothered him, a little, not to be able to remember the man’s name.  Victor had it written down somewhere in one of his notebooks – he still researched all of the skaters that he shared ice with, Yakov having drilled respect for his competitors into him at an early age – but he didn’t used to need the physical notes the way he did now.  When had the names and faces all started to blur?  I really must be getting old, Victor thought dismally.

Chulanont ended on a slide, his arms outstretched.  He was all smiles as he took his bows, but his eyes gleamed in a way that almost made Victor smile.  He’s determined.  Good.  He’ll take this experience and grow from it.

Victor zoned out during the scoring, already knowing how he’d be judged.  Chulanont had been the last to skate the short program, and he wasn’t close to challenging Georgi’s first place standing.  Georgi’s own skate had been the cleanest Victor had ever seen it, and if he was able to carry that energy over into the free skate they’d be in the Final together for sure, Victor already having secured his own place with a pair of easy golds in Skate Canada and NHK.

Yakov found Victor still sitting in the stands as the crowd was thinning.  “You’re joining us for dinner?” the old coach rumbled.  It was barely a question.  He frowned as Victor shook his head.

“Tonight is Gosha’s, and if I go I’ll just draw attention away from him.”  He sighed with just the right amount of rueful, “what can you do?” disappointment in it.  “I’ll hide in my room and let him enjoy his well-earned spotlight.  Think of me when I’m scrounging scraps from vending machines?”

“Running up the room service bill outrageously, you mean.”  But Yakov’s face had softened into something like fondness.  “It’s true that the fans and the press tend to focus on you whether you skate or not,” he said finally, and Victor knew that he’d won.

It wasn’t that Victor didn’t want to give Georgi the opportunity to shine on his own – of course he did, Gosha had more than earned it – but the real truth was far more selfish. If he went to dinner and someone recognized him – and in Moscow, during Rostelecom, the chances of that happening were pretty damn high – they weren’t just going to ignore Georgi.  They would want, no, insist that he be Living Legend Victor Nikiforov for them, Russia’s Golden God, St. Petersburg’s Hope—

—Victor the Oft Photoshopped, He Whose Shit Is Not Allowed to Stink, Whose Hair Is Discussed More Than His Skating, Subject of Seven Hundred RPF Smut Fics and Supposedly Beloved by All but Actually Having Only a Single (Admittedly Really Great) Dog to Love—

—and he just didn’t want to be that mask.  Not tonight. Not when he didn’t have to be.  Victor the dancing monkey thinks that Victor the Living Legend is an asshole, and just for tonight the dancing monkey is on strike.

Yakov was probably right about the room service bill.

 * Joined channel #therapycouchfort

* Topic is ‘Tomb Raider: Best portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever, or ONLY portrayal of PTSD in a video game ever?  Discuss.’

* Set by StevenMultiverse on Nov 21 19:11:58 2013

suicideflirtsback: holy shit mercy are you okay

iamworthy: *hugs*

mercyslovechild: im ok

mercyslovechild: i guess

KingElsa: What happened?

mercyslovechild: its just

lukewarm_mess: mercy’s parents got CPS called on them

KingElsa: ?

mercyslovechild: tried to tell them once bfore and they blew me off

iamworthy: Child Protective Services, King.

mercyslovechild: they asked if i cut an it was like they stoppd listenning after i said no

/msg lukewarm_mess I don’t understand.

/msg lukewarm_mess Did Mercy’s parents hurt her?

mercyslovechild: now there all sad and ilu and what can we do to help

*lukewarm_mess>> no but she hurts herself and a teacher noticed she was hiding bruises

mercyslovechild: i hate it

iamworthy: At least you’re into therapy now though, right?

/msg lukewarm_mess !!!

mercyslovechild: like, u cant be bothered to give a rats ass until someone else thinks your a bad parent

mercyslovechild: yea but

mercyslovechild: they keep asking if im bullied at school or have bad relationshisp and i dont

mercyslovechild: theres no reason for me to feel this way

mercyslovechild: im just fuckn broken

KingElsa: Mercy.  You are not broken.

suicideflirtsback: ^^^^^^^^

iamworthy: *hugs mercy tight* What King said.

mercyslovechild: yes i am

KingElsa: Am I broken?  Is Iam?  Is Mess? Is Socks?

mercyslovechild: no

lukewarm_mess: so what if you are?

mercyslovechild: but

suicideflirtsback: holy shit mess that’s cold

mercyslovechild: u all have real problems and real illnesses w like diagnoces n stuff that u need help for

lukewarm_mess: broken DOESN’T mean garbage

KingElsa: I don’t.

mercyslovechild: im just some stupid kid crying over nothing

lukewarm_mess: https://www.google.com/search?q=kintsugi&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjz6PXqzJvWAhVj3IMKHbLMBhsQ_AUICigB&biw=1094&bih=626

lukewarm_mess: we fix broken things

lukewarm_mess: we glue them together with gold so everyone can see the scars

KingElsa: I don’t have a diagnosis.

lukewarm_mess: they’re stronger and more beautiful after

lukewarm_mess: more valuable

lukewarm_mess: and more worthy of love

iamworthy: King?

KingElsa: I’ve… never seen anyone.

KingElsa: You’re the only people I’ve ever talked to about this kind of thing.

*lukewarm_mess>> !

mercyslovechild: why

KingElsa: I don’t know, lots of reasons?

*lukewarm_mess>> you havent talked to anyone irl??

KingElsa: But they all kind of boil down to I’m scared.

/msg lukewarm_mess I can’t… I’m under a ton of scrutiny at work…

/msg lukewarm_mess Lots of people hoping for the guy on the top to fall.  If I show weakness…

KingElsa: So if you’re broken what does that make me?  You’re at least trying to reach out for help.

mercyslovechild: …

*lukewarm_mess>> family?  someone else you’re close to?

/msg lukewarm_mess Why Mess, trying to find out if I’m single?

*lukewarm_mess>> not funny

mercyslovechild: i

mercyslovechild: i think i like that pottery thing mess

mercyslovechild: i think i like it alot

/msg lukewarm_mess I am not on speaking terms with my family.

lukewarm_mess: i’m glad, mercy <3

/msg lukewarm_mess For the rest…. I’m kind of married to my work.

lukewarm_mess: we broken people have to stick together

*lukewarm_mess>> +1 313-XXX-XXXX

/msg lukewarm_mess ?!?

*lukewarm_mess>> okay i HATE talking on the phone

*lukewarm_mess>> it’s one of my anxiety triggers

*lukewarm_mess>> but

*lukewarm_mess>> you could text me sometime?  if you want to?

*lukewarm_mess>> and maybe if it’s an emergency you could call

*lukewarm_mess>> if there’s really nobody else

/msg lukewarm_mess I

/msg lukewarm_mess Wow

/msg lukewarm_mess You trust me that much?

*lukewarm_mess>> i just want to know you have someone to reach out to

/msg lukewarm_mess (•̩̩̩́ ᴗ •̩̩̩̀)

/msg lukewarm_mess Thank you.  I don’t know what else to say.

*lukewarm_mess>> say you’ll use it if you need to

/msg lukewarm_mess I will.  I promise.

mercyslovechild: yea i guess we do ^^

<Part 5>