#there's somehow more and less pressure on me now that i'm in college to get good scores but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sachisei · 4 months

Text

I didn't know there is a difference between montessori schools and traditional schools. I studied under a montessori school since nursery to third grade. By 4th grade, my parents decided to transfer me to a regular private school. Sure enough, it did seem a little different to me, but I always thought it was just because I felt a little alienated by coming to a new school with new faces.

I did notice that the duration of classes were very different. In the montessori school, we only had around 30 minutes each subject, and the entire school day would only be half a day. However, in the traditional private school, we had around 45 minutes of lecture for each subject, and the entire school day is from 7 am to 4 pm.

I didn't notice it back then, but thinking back on it now, we didn't really have homework in montessori school. Most of the learning was spent inside the school. Each grade had 2 sections, one is a morning section, and the other is the afternoon section. I attended the morning section. When I would arrive home, I never did any homework. I would just sleep the rest of the afternoon or watch some tv series, that is before I was banned from watching tv starting first grade.

I'm also unsure if traditional schools allowed students to skip to a higher grade, but that was what essentially happened to me. I skipped the 2nd year of kindergarten. And I just learned now that montessori schools grouped multi-age students. I am not aware of my classmates' ages, but that could probably explain why some of them felt a little more older than me in terms of their manners and overall aura.

Another thing I did notice when I transferred school, was that in the traditional school, all the students had to stay quiet and really stay put. The only exception was this ADHD kid from second grade who would come and visit our classroom at any time of the day. But in montessori school, I remember our classes to be boisterous and chaotic. Some kids are talking to each other. Some kids are throwing paper planes. Some kids would walk around the classroom while the teacher is speaking. And we were only seldomly reprimanded for this, and I think they only did that whenever a fight broke out, or a student was disrepecting somebody. Most of my montessori teachers were very calm and intuitive. None of the classes felt too slow nor too fast to me, although there are still who would struggle. I'd know because there were kids who'd try to cheat off my paper during our exams.

The other thing that was different was the number of students per grade. In montessori, we had around 25 - 40 students in a classroom, while it was less than 15 for my private school. They prepared 15 chairs each classroom. And funnily, during my 4th grade, I only had one classmate. I didn't think of the difference of number that much because this private school newly opened when I attended it on its first year. So in my head, the number made sense in correlation to that. I did, however, hear about our entrance exam limiting the number of students who could attend our school.

I horrendously failed an exam in music subject in private school, and I was profusely reprimanded for it in the faculty room. It was my first time ever receiving a negative feedback directly from a school teacher. And I didn't take it well, as in I sort of rebelled against it. In my head I didn't care about getting a failing score for a music subject, besides it was just one exam. But somehow that wasn't allowed. I don't remember if I ever failed an exam during montessori school, but what I do remember was that classes were so much more fun and easier to take. It was the first time I had to swallow some pressure from somebody I didn't even like.

Perhaps my parents knew that I was a little different from other kids after all because they sent me to a montessori school. But they maybe got a little ahead of themselves by transferring me to a traditional school, albeit being a private one. But if I were to attend college, I think attending traditional schools would have definitely make it easier for me to adapt to college.

#journal

0 notes

pretendstoread · 10 months

Text

first...second...second first

it's funny that every time i think about writing i never really know what to say. i don't remember making this account in 2018, or writing for the first time on here. i've gone back and forth between journaling--where to do it, if it's even helping me--and there's a strong chance that i'll move on from this just like the other journals and modes of expression.

i've just been kinda uninspired. i fear that i wasnt born to be an artist. i dont think i Do enough. i dont really photograph. nothing really inspires me anymore. i'm kinda worried that new york's tap has run dry, but i dont think it's effective to blame the city i live in instead of myself. this has been a problem of mine for years now. why is it so hard to express yourself?!! i feel like i have a lot in me and yet no way to show for it. i dont know if i have a good work life balance. i dont know if thats even the problem? it's just.....so easy to do nothing....? but it doesnt make me happy??? but i keep doing nothign anyway??? maybe THIS is the first step to that. there's a bit of ego in making this. like. diary public. though i dont really think anyone will see it (and i don't care (but i will tag this anyway and maybe check if it gets any notes)). but i dont mean it to be egotistical.

i am a product of post internet use. i grew up expressing myself online. i was on facebook in fifth grade, tumblr in middle school, wattpad/ao3 and stan twitter in high school, art school in college, and back on twitter as a young adult. there has never been a point where i wasn't trying to put myself out there somehow, to be seen and shared and agreed with or admired or congratulated or impressed by. this pressure To Be Seen at 24 feels the most strong. the strongest ever felt. everywhere all the time i see and am told that i have so much time and that 20s are just the beginning. but it doesnt feel that way at all. it LOOMS over me. life shouldnt be Established but it should be.....Impressive? thats the second time i used impressive in this post so thats some subconscious thing going on there. But much of life right now is waking up, going to work, hating work, coming home, sitting on the couch until it's time for bed (which i either fall asleep right there or lazily flop into bed--and consequently miss taking my antianxiety meds), and then i wake up all over again. there's nothing to really show for. i don't feel like an interesting person. i dont feel like i do enough for myself. i guess i have a fear that i will be in this cycle for so long that one day it's 20 years later and nothings reallllllly changed. like. fundamentally.

i cannot think that far ahead. i have no ten year plan, 5 year, one year, 6 months...but i will be a fucking doomer about myself every chance i get. it's, of course, easier to catastrophize in the moment. lower expectations = less chance of disappointment! i think it's also interesting that the only things i really journal about are negative thoughts. wtf is that about. i'm not even necessarily unhappy right now.

things that make me feel Happy:

having enough food in the house that i can make something without having to go out or order in

laying in the sun on the beach after getting bodied by waves

creme soda

when i'm wearing a dress and dont care about my underwear showing (i like to spread! im sitting knees up at my desk right now!!)

catching someone i like looking at me (does it mean anything extra if they're drinking something at the same time....? and they don't break eye contact...?)

customizable internet--the past now....i remember when tumblr was a WEBSITE more than an APP. we must free ourselves from The Profile.

#diary #if you see this hi

0 notes

biancoree · 1 year

Text

Who's Bianca—The Power of Pushing Yourself Beyond Your Limits

I am Bianca Ysabelle C. Romero, 18 years old, and a senior high school student at Emilio Aguinaldo College Cavite. I used to attend my grandparents' institution when I was still in kindergarten; it was a small school for children, and my grandma was among the teacher educators. Ever since I've become convinced that I'm a good and bright student who enjoys less pressure and more freedom as an adolescent. To the point where being labeled to the honor roll somehow doesn't surprise me. However, as I grew older and ventured outside of my comfort zone, I came to realize I needed to switch schools.

As I walk into my new school, a worried feeling and anxiousness wash over me; as a 7-year-old, I started getting anxious, agitated, and concerned about the school environment I was unfamiliar with. As I encounter new faces, names, personalities, and attitudes. I remember the moment I was about to start first grade and trying to think I was the best among my fellow students, low-key bragging about how much I had learned in my previous school. But when I was faced with various difficulties, I lost all confidence in the extent to which wiser and much more ambitious everyone else around me was. And that I have a lot more to learn. I thought learning was not a constant process, and yet learning is an active and never-ending process for all. The journey does not end with what you learned yesterday or today as it is a continual process. There is still a lot we don't know. That's why I knew, and I informed myself I had to push myself harder and work even harder. I came to the realization that everyone possesses their own collection of abilities and skills. As time flies by, I finally completed my elementary days. But even then I felt empty as if I were lacking something. I feel like I need to push even harder and harder and harder. I continued to work towards it and eventually reached 7th grade. I tried harder and harder until I began to see my life puzzle coming together. I know for sure I could do greater beyond what I had previously accomplished. I studied harder, finished tasks earlier, figured out how to handle my time properly, managed to learn to set goals, and of course, remained in the process of learning the term 'rest and relax' as well. Though some things are not smooth sailing procedures. It eventually reached the stage in which I placed my mental well-being on the line by undertaking all that I could to study harder and acquire more knowledge to attain higher results and academic achievement in all subject matters. Since I am certain after years of yearning, education had been among the most challenging but nevertheless opened my heart to ample opportunities, knowledge, and experience. In the 10th grade, I experienced the thrill of leading our very first research team.

I was genuinely worried that I might not be capable of shouldering the full leadership duties since I'm not used to leading and playing a significant role in any school tasks. But surprisingly it turns out that it ended up being the greatest memory I had in the past. And eventually discovered I was capable of performing things I thought I couldn't. And here I am now in my 12th grade, prepared for every major role if necessary. To be frank, as we grew older, more commitments and obstacles arose to place our abilities to the test. However, as we push even harder I knew each one of us could accomplish far more than what we think.

Let's all constantly choose to grow because education is a long and complex path. In a nutshell, this will serve as the foundation for a better and brighter future.

1 note · View note

whumpmatsus · 3 years

Note

Is it alright if i ask for something comforting with the matsuno boys? Its just that i feel overwhelmed with my life lately. On one hand i got the job i wanted but on the other hand im expected to just suck it up, be an "adult" and abandon my hobbies or other skill learnings that i have been so proud of- funny enough i was encouraged but then suddenly im expected to leave everything and dont have a decent balance? Im so confused by the way im treated and by the expectations that others have from me. Even art doesnt feel as enjoyable i feel guilty picking up a pencil because im scared ive wasted time on not studying or if i dont make a certain deadline. Everything is about " completing tasks as quickly as possible" i feel like i havent stopped and caught my breath for so long. Your writings are very soothing esp in this field, of course you dont have to pressure yourself to write it quickly or anything! Keep it at your own pace! i guess its because of this hectic looking life that i find osomatsu san so comforting right now.

AH MAN honey....... I totally getchu, I feel like this a lot too

I'm not in college/university or anything yet, but I do work in a fast-paced environment where sometimes it feels like lots of stress for little money and when I get home, even after not working very long, a lot of the time I'm just too tired to do the stuff I enjoy. it's a little better on some days, but this feeling is SO understandable and I'm sure lots of other people can relate too

honestly that's probably why I find these boys so comforting too, just thinking about goofing off and having fun with them is such a great escape 🖤

I hope this is a comfort for you, bb!!! 🤗

❤️ Osomatsu's solution is literally to just drag you out to do something fun with him! As far as he's concerned, you need to chill, big time, so why not dinner and drinks or pachinko or something? An hour or two relaxing isn't gonna fuck up your whole life or anything, so Osomatsu being Osomatsu, he's not taking no for an answer. He makes sure you have a good time, but he's actually responsible in also making sure he doesn't keep you away too long. He'll even help you study after the fun's over, if you want; he's good at flash cards, because his reward system is that every time you get one right, he gives you a kiss! (... And/or, maybe something a little dirtier, if you prefer~)

💙 Karamatsu has been trying to find his own balance lately, so he certainly understands where you're coming from. He knows it's difficult, and the anxiety that comes with feeling like you've wasted time. After all, time is limited, and once it's gone, there's no getting it back. But he's also slowly learning to remind himself that if you're not enjoying your life, then what's the point of all the work? So he somehow manages to coax you away from it, doing your own hobby sitting side by side with him while he plays guitar. Just for a little bit; because if something makes you happy, it's never a waste of time.

💚 Choromatsu feels the same way maybe more than anyone, and he's never sure what to do about his own feelings. He works as hard as he can, but in the end, he always feels like he could have done more and not slacked off so much. He's just kind of accepted those feelings. When it's you, though... he can't stand seeing you so anxious and worried. He'll gather up all his courage and sit down next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder. He takes your hand and murmurs softly that you've earned a break, it's time to do something fun. He's here to spend time with you now, so maybe the two of you can focus on something else for a little bit.

💜 Ichimatsu couldn't really care less about all this stuff that's making you stressed and unhappy, but he knows it's something you want to do. Just... maybe a little less. He'd tell you to just give it up if it's stressing you out, except he knows you don't want to do that, so he can't really say that. Still, balance is important. People just shouldn't be pushing at you. As someone who has a hard time feeling his feelings, it makes him a little angry that you're being pressured to just never be happy again. It should be the opposite. In true catlike fashion, when he thinks you need a break, he kind of just... pushes himself into your lap, shoving everything else away. Just cuddle for a little bit, and then you can get back to all this other shit.

💛 Jyushimatsu is pretty sure everything you're working on is really really stressful, so, why don't you just take a break?? He doesn't quite get how pressured you feel or what the anxiety is like, simply because he doesn't usually deal with those things. It's pretty clear how much this is affecting you, though; if he plays too much baseball in a day, it makes him sore, so he likens the same thing happening to your brain and feelings. That means you need to relax and not overdo it! Putting that into practice is harder. But, that's what he's here for! His favorite method of getting you to take a break is to make you laugh so hard you literally can't do anything else for a minute. Then maybe some snuggles, because, well, he knows you can't say no to him wanting to snuggle!

💖Totty is working part-time himself, so he knows work schedules can be hectic as fuck, plus all the studying you're doing on top of that? He's a little surprised you haven't keeled over yet. You work really hard, and that's a good thing... but it can also be bad for you. So he'd like to see you being a bit less hard on yourself. You're only human, you know? You're just one person! You need to take breaks to be able to function properly, and doing things you like is one of the things that makes all the work worth it. He can be sort of manipulative about it, only because he knows being direct probably isn't going to work. He starts with massaging your shoulders and giving you kisses, talking about how much nicer it'd be if you did something else for a bit. If he can drag you away from everything else, maybe get you to do a face mask or take a bath with him, just relax, he'll count it as a win.

#Osomatsu san #whump #hurt/comfort #Osomatsu #Karamatsu #Choromatsu #Ichimatsu #Jyushimatsu #Totty #AAAAA BABE THEY'RE ALL TRYIN #they love u <3

13 notes · View notes

niawritess · 3 years

Text

The Lovestruck~Chapter 19

Shock word was an understandment as what you were feeling right now. You were in the car with Ria going back home, you couldn't even say anything to him as you were too shocked and before you could, Ria dragged you to the car saying mom has been calling.

Were you dreaming? Did you heard it right? He likes you? All of this came as a surprise to you and the whole ride you were occupied by those thoughts.

Arriving at home, you straight went to your room and your parents were confused by your behavior before looking at Ria questionly but she just shrugged and followed you.

"Y/n." She called out entering your room to see you sitting on the bed lost in thoughts before aproaching you and sat in front of you.

"Y/n? What's wrong? You have been quiet since we have come back. Did something happen?" She placed her hand on top of yours and you looked at her blankly.

"Baekhyun." You uttered licking your lips. "Baekhyun... confessed to me."

She stared at you blankly and then. "AAAHHHHHHHHH"

You closed your ears and eyes before shutting her up by covering her mouth then your door burst opened revealing Daniel.

"What-what happened? Why did you scream?" He asked panicked and you glared at Ria.

"Nothing, she has gone crazy."

"I thought something big happened." He scoffed walking away.

"Is it true? When? How? Wait- at the beach? I told you, he likes you!" She began her rambling as you told her everything.

"OMG! This is such a great news! So what did you say?"

You looked at her in innocently. "Nothing."

Her jaw dropped. "Nothing? Are you serious? The Byun Baekhyun confessed to you and you said nothing?"

You groaned leaning your against the headboard. "I.. I couldn't say anything. I was too shocked, okay. And it was so unexpected."

"So? How do feel about him?"

"I..don't know. I mean yes, he's a good guy and I feel comfortable and happy around him." You paused sighing while clutching the teddy close to you. "But lately I'm really nervous around him where my heart is like going to burst and it's so confusing.

Ria stared at you with a understanding look before she slapped her forehead lightly. "Silly! There's your answer. You don't feel like this for anyone but for someone you love and it's okay. There's no hurry so, take your time to be sure about your feelings."

Upon hearing her words, you gave this a thought and realized she is right. Your heart beat quicken at the thought of him and cheeks heat up.

"Oh My God! Y/n! You're blushing." She laughed loudly and you hid your cheeks feeling embarrassed.

"Shut up!"

"I'm so happy for you!" She jumped on you making your body fall back with a groan.

"You're heavy!"

Later that night, you couldn't sleep well as the scene at the beach kept playing in your mind making you nervous, scared and happy as well. You have never been in a relationship, always kept yourself distant with these things yet you were here feeling all of this.

Being in a relationship scared you a little. You don't know, if you were ready for it and several things were in your mind with all of these questions and you just needed a bit of time.

Meanwhile, Baekhyun who kept cursing himself for not holding himself back for keeping his mouth shut. He wasn't planning on confessing like this but you just stood there and he couldn't help but blurt out everything and now was thinking if he scared you or would you feel awkward around him because that was the last thing he wanted.

***

(9 January)

You woke up with a slight nervousness at how would you face him after yesterday. Luck was probably on your side when you didn't got a glimpse of Baekhyun at the college as you had lunch with the boys and they told that he was busy somewhere and that somehow made you relieved but lowkey you wanted to see him.

Then a thought hit you that you have to go to Café too and you would definitely see him there.

Later, in the library, Ria was looking for some books assigned to her from her professor before she came across with Baekhyun who was picking a book.

"Oh, Baekhyun sunbae."

Baekhyun flinched by the voice before he saw Ria giving him a smile which he reciprocated before his eyes were going here and there in search of someone.

Ria chuckled. "She's not here, must be hiding somewhere."

Baekhyun looked at her startled as he let out an awkward chuckle before he looked at her surprised. "You know?"

She nodded. "We bestfriends have no secrets so while we're talking about it, can I ask you something?"

Baekhyun gave her a nod as she sighed. "Are you sincere about Y/n? I can see you are but I still want to hear it from you."

Baekhyun smiled at her concern for you and he nodded. "I have never been this sincere before and I assure you that."

She nodded smiling. "Then, let me tell you this too. Y/n and I have been bestfriends since high school and I know Y/n more than she knows herself. She's never been into these situations before so it's something new to her and maybe little confusing too. So, I hope you can be a little patient until she's sort it out, plus I'm already on your side. "

Hearing upon her words, Baekhyun was sure that you were lucky to have a friend like Ria before he nodded. "Thanks and i'll keep that in mind. "

With that he walked away before Ria sighed clasping her hands together up in the air. "God, let my ship sail."

"Gosh, Y/n, You're really lucky to have me in your life." Ria flipped her hair before she turned around and got startled to see the librarian judging her with her poker face.

Giving her an awkward smile, Ria rushed out of the library hoping not run into the librarian today.

***

At the Café.

Just as Baekhyun predicted, you were avoiding eye contact with him and the awkward atmosphere was eating him up. However, he couldn't blame you because it would be a normal reaction for someone who got confessed but he didn't wanted that and he's surely gonna make it right.

Your shift was over and you were relieved wanting to get out of the awkwardness as soon as possible but things just doesn't go according to you.

"Y/n." You slightly flinched and there was your heart acting up again beating with an abnormal speed.

"You are avoiding me, aren't you?" He questioned and you mentally face palmed for being obvious as you let out a nervous chuckle while looking everywhere but him. "Me? No, not at all."

"You know you can't lie, so why do you even try it?"

You bit your lip before looking at him and instantly looked away finding hard to look at him.

"Can we talk?"

"Right now?"

"Yes." He said firmly and you hesitantly nodded.

He licked his lips before speaking. "I know what happened yesterday was unexpected for you and trust me it was same for me. I never wanted to confess like that but it just happened and now I'm not going to run away."

"I don't want to pressure you in any way and I'm alright with you taking how much ever time you want. I'm always willing to wait for you but I just don't us to be awkward like this because this is something I never wanted."

As if he just read your mind that whatever you want to say but couldn't, he said it all and you couldn't be more grateful for it. A smile appeared on your face and you nodded slowly making him smile in relief.

"You're not going to avoid me again, right?"

You chuckled awkwardly. "No, I won't."

"If you did, I'll tell everyone about your that secret." He smiled smugly raising his one eyebrow and your jaw dropped. "Are you threatening me?"

"Is it working?"

"No!"

"It did."

"No, it didn't."

"Then should I-"

"No!"

He laughed hardly and you glared at him playfully and that's how Baekhyun changed the awkward atmosphere into comfortable one. Well, he's Baekhyun for a reason though.

***

(10 January)

Next day, things weren't as awkward but tension was somewhere there. As if something has struck your mind, you began to see Baekhyun in a different light, as you found yourself staring at him again and again.

You weren't the only one, whenever you glanced at him, you caught him staring at you but instead of looking away, he just gave a smile leaving you flustered.

You calmed your beating heart and took the order from the customer and Baekhyun started to make drink. He was about to take it in his hand but his hand got bumped into the counter causing the hot drink spill on his hand.

He hissed which got your attention and your eyes widened seeing him clenching his hand.

"Are you okay?" You grabbed his hand and panicked seeing the redness on the back of his hand.

"Y/n, I'm fine." He assured you but you saw his expression saying opposite.

"Rose-"

"It's okay, I'll take care of it."

"Come here." You led him in the kitchen before walking to the sink and helped him wash his hand.

"Y/n, I'm really okay."

"What do you mean? Look at the redness. I know it must be stinging." You took the ice cube from the fridge and gently rubbed it while blowing on it.

He sighed leaning against the sink as he stared at your face which was filled with concern immediately bringing a smile on his face.

"I thought I was the big clumsy but no, you are one step ahead of me." You nagged like a mother and he chuckled while seeing your this side made his pain less.

"You worry about me, don't you?"

"Of course, I do. What kind of question is that?" You raised your head to see him smiling at you and then you realized.

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you worried about me?" He leaned forward making your breath hitched at the closeness.

"Y/n, Baekhyun!"

You both backed away hearing Rose's voice and Baekhyun lowly groaned as he got interrupted in the moment before Rose walked inside.

"How's your hand?"

"It's better now, since Y/n has treated it." He smiled at you but you didn't looked at feeling too nervous by his gaze.

Rose came to tell that she has to go home a little early for some reason and asked you both to take care of the Café behind. You both agreed and soon she was off to her home while you both continued your work not before you asked Baekhyun to take orders only and seeing your stern expression, he agreed instantly.

It was dawn already, means the working hours were over and you both got out but then you spotted a person you never expected to see here.

Liam was walking towards you and you frowned in confusion and when he approached you, he smiled which was forced before he looked at Baekhyun and they both stared at each other with unreadable expression like last time.

You asked him the reason of his presence here where he told you that Daniel was out with his friends so he came to get you. Honestly, you found it uncomfortable, especially when Baekhyun was standing here and you didn't wanted any misunderstanding between you two.

Baekhyun felt jealous seeing another guy to take you home and for some reason he really didn't took a liking to Liam. Sighing, he was about to lock the door but then it hit him that he forgot the keys inside.

You chuckled at his forgetfulness as he shot you a sheepish grin before going inside to get keys. Liam rolled his eyes getting impatient as he just wanted to leave from here. Apparently, he was forced to come here as his mom pressured him go.

"Y/n, can we just go? He can do it himself you know." Liam said and you looked at him a little bit furiously.

"No, we both work here. And I don't find it appropriate to leave him like that." You replied, annoyed by his attitude.

"Let's just leave, everyone is waiting." His impatience got over him and he grabbed your wrist startling you.

"Liam, what the heck are-"

"Let go of her hand." Baekhyun jumped in suddenly gripping on his wrist and Liam scoffed letting go before facing him.

"And who do you think you are?"

"Doesn't matter. But you should know how to respect a girl and she is your freaking cousin!" His jaw clenched with his eyes glaring down at him and and you stared at him shook seeing him angry like this.

"Right, she's my cousin. So stay out of this!"

"Or what?"

"You-"

"Stop!" You instantly came forward between them as you shielded Baekhyun and narrowed your eyes at the person before you. "Liam, go back home now."

He looked at you in disbelief before his eyes soften as he realized his actions and sighed, looking down too embarrassed to even look at you and taking backwards steps, he turned around and left.

You closed your eyes and sighed before turning around to found nothing as you spotted him inside sitting on a chair. You gulped, walking inside to see him looking down with his hands clasped together as he was calming himself.

"Are you really angry?" You asked, cautiously standing infront of him before sighing. "I don't know what came to him to act like this-"

"Why did you stop us? I was so close to punch him." He cut you off, as he looked up at you frowning as he wasn't angry for his behavior with him but he didn't liked how he misbehaved with you.

You looked at him incredulously. "And then what? A fight would have broke out! And I don't want to see the person I love getting hurt!"

Baekhyun's ear perked up as he gulped looking at you. "Who...do you love?"

"You of course, Who else?! And what's wrong with Liam? I should have a talk with him-" You kept rambling unaware of your words and Baekhyun's eyes lit up as his heart burst out with happiness. "You love me? Did you just say you love me?"

You stopped and looked down at him to see him smiling before realizing your words and your eyes went big. Gasping, you attempted to walk away but he caught your wrist and pulled you back causing your hands to rest on his shoulders as you stood between his legs.

"Where are you going after confessing your love?"

Your cheeks heat up and you chuckled nervously. "When did I?"

"Just now."

"I didn't."

"You did."

"I-"

"Stop running away and be my girlfriend already, hm?" He tilted his head staring at you cutely and you stared at him for a moment before a shy smile appeared on your lips as you nodded slowly.

Sure, you were a little bit scared about being in a relationship but it all vanished when you saw his face and you were sure that you don't have to feel like this when you're with him.

"Really?" His eyes widened before smiling widely and you squealed as he lifted you up suddenly with your hands clutching his shoulders tightly.

You looked down at him in surprise and he chuckled looking at you fondly while smiling. "What should I do? I'm so happy."

You bit your lip smiling before you glanced outside to see people giving you both weird look.

"Baekhyun, put me down." You said feeling embarrassed now and he gently put you down. You hid your face in your palms and heard his giggle before feeling his arms wrapped around you as he placed his head on yours.

Soon, you both closed the Café and he was walking you home. While walking, he stopped to take your bag in his hands even though you stopped him. Both of you were silent, just smiling and glancing at eachother.

Not long before, you heard his chuckle making you look at him confused. "Why are you laughing?"

"It's just I suddenly thought of how you came like a shield even though you are one foot shorter than me." He teased and you looked at him offended.

"Oh, so this is what I get for protecting you." You said sarcastically while faking an hurt expression and he just laughed poking your cheek.

You reached your home and took you bag from his hand before smiling at eachother.

"Will you be okay?" He asked indicating the scene happened a while ago and you nodded assuring him.

He nodded as he knew you can handle the situation on your own. "Okay, then tell me if anything happens."

You nodded. "Be safe and text me when you get home."

He nodded before leaning in to press his lips on your forehead sending chills down your spine and making you close your eyes in the reflex before he pulled away smiling and left.

You bit your lip smiling shyly as your hand went to your forehead before walking inside to see your parents and Aunt Jane with Liam in the living room. You made your way to them and greeted her.

"It's good that everyone is here, I have to tell you something but before that," You looked at Liam who avoided your eyes. "Liam, I know you're my cousin but what you did there was really not good and you have to apologize for it."

"What's happening?" Your dad asked confusingly looking back and forth to you and Liam before he sighed letting you continue.

"And Aunt Jane," You looked at her who was close to burst. "I know, you are trying to make me and Liam together but I'm sorry it's never gonna happen. Because for me, Liam is more like a brother and I have no interest in him and from what I see he feels like that too, so kindly stop forcing things on us. I just wanted to clear this, so there won't be any problems later."

As you expected, Aunt Jane stood up with a glare in her eyes."Oppa, look at how your daughter is disrespecting me. "

You frowned before opening you mouth but your dad spoke."She's just clarifying and I don't see any disrespectful in that."

Disbelief expression plastered on Aunt Jane and she couldn't even speak further so she stormed out of your house dragged Liam with him and you could sense the guilt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry dad, because of me Aunt Jane's gonna be angry at you."

"Don't be sorry, in fact I'm so happy to see my daughter is growing up to be a great girl and knows how to stood up for herself, I'm so proud of you." He smiled patting your head and you hugged as you felt so lucky to have parents like them.

Your mom coughed and your dad groaned as the moment got ruined while you laughed. She asked you to get freshen up as she has ordered pizza and you instantly ran up to your room.

You felt so light as if everything was going on the right track and you checked your phone to see Baekhyun's text which instantly made you smile.

Baekhyun : I'm home. How did it go? Did you sorted it out?"

You: of course! Who am I?

You sent it with a smug emoticon and got a reply.

Baekhyun: I know, my girlfriend.

He sent it with a wink emoticon and you felt yourself blushing at the message before another text popped up.

Baekhyun: You're blushing.

You looked at here and there before slapping your forehead as why would he be here but how can you be so obvious even when he can't see you.

You: I'm not. I'm going to have dinner now bye!

Your cheeks were hurting now because of your constant smile and were on fire because of blushing too much. Getting a boyfriend seemed too surreal and thinking about it, you already felt shy but happy and couldn't wait for the next day to see him.

_____________

Here ya go! Hehe~

@wooya1224 @buttercupbbh @jddcfc-blog @usernameloaa

#bbh #exo fanfiction #exo ff #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun gifs #baekhyun imagines #baekhyun #baekhyun x reader

14 notes · View notes

elenajohansenreads · 3 years

Text

Books I Read in 2021

#83 - Shadowmarch, by Tad Williams

Mount TBR: 69/100

Beat the Backlist Bingo: Cover features your favorite color prominently

Rating: 1/5 stars

Well, that was a slog.

So I have a history with this piece of intellectual property. I was introduced to Williams as an author in college (1998) because several of the friends I made my first year were big fantasy nerds--no surprise there--and I was perfectly ready to move on from my high-school-era love of less sophisticated fantasy authors. I borrowed The Dragonbone Chair from one of those friends and off I went.

So in 2001 when news about Williams writing an online serial went around, and I saw the $15 price tag...well, I was a perpetually almost-broke college student still, and sure I spent money on books, but that was a high gateway, because a) I didn't own my own computer yet, I was borrowing friends' or using the computer lab to write papers and such; and b) sure, a chunky fantasy novel might be $7 or $8 in paperback, but it was portable, easy to reread whenever, and nobody had tablets or smartphones or e-readers yet, so an online serial publication was definitely not portable. Even fifteen dollars seemed like too much for the inconvenience of a book I could only read sitting at a computer, and couldn't read all of at once.

I was genuinely angry about this shift away from the paradigm, and much like Williams vowing this serial was online only and would never be published traditionally (which I distinctly remember but don't actually have a source for) I too vowed that I would never read it.

I held out much longer than he did, if my memory of that claim is even true. But I'm wishing now that I hadn't bothered.

This is bad. Not even close to the level of quality I expect from Williams, based on the earlier Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn series, as well as War of the Flowers--which was weird but I enjoyed it--and the Otherland series, which was even weirder and not always good, but yeah, I still enjoyed that too, for the most part.

Who am I supposed to care about in this book? I'm no stranger to multiple protagonists, but there are simply too many here, meaning none of them get the development time they would need to be interesting. I'm trying to wean myself from the complaint that protagonists need to be "likable," because a character can be a jerk and still be interesting, but few of these protagonists are particularly likable either!

1. Barrick is a whiny jerk who folds under pressure and abdicates responsibility to his sister, and then makes a spectacularly bad decision for no reason other than to set up some tension at the end, and his future arc. If it's because he's "mad," bad plot reason, and if it's because he's affected by the more general shadow-madness, well, I guess he could be vulnerable to it like anyone else, but that's pretty flimsy too. 2. Briony is a fairly standard "if only I weren't a woman, people would take me seriously" princess who doesn't fold as much under pressure but is dealt a really raw deal. I'll give her credit, she does legitimately try her best to rule her lands, but she's also kind of a whiny jerk like her brother, too. 3. Quinnitan is...pointless. Sure, I see how the end of her arc in this book echoes those of the Eddon twins, but there is no direct connection between her plot and anyone else's. And I mean that literally, if there's anything that ties her story to any other single part of the book, I simply do not see it, it's buried in lore or foreshadowing that was lost on me amid the sheer weight of nearly 800 pages of plodding narrative. I read all of her scenes constantly wondering why I should care, and the fact that her arc is a very basic harem plot, "I don't want to be a token wife but really what choice do I have?" sort of thing, doesn't help, because on its own it's incredibly unoriginal. 4. Chert is marginally likable, because he's arguably got the most defined personality and most personal growth in the book, as a person of a "little" race who is distinctly not human--I get a mix of gnome and dwarf, with a faint whiff of Podling from The Dark Crystal--and who deals with an unexpected foundling by taking him into his family and trying to make it work, even when that foundling is really a big blank space in the story who still manages to get into trouble. 5. Captain Vansen gets points from me for being the guardsman deep in unrequited love, which is a trope I would absolutely eat up with a spoon. The problem is, the object of that love is a protagonist I don't care for (Briony,) leading me to question what the eff he's thinking that he can even admire her from a distance, let alone be in infatuation/love. And his plot arc is mostly "something goes wrong that's not really has fault but everyone blames him anyway." Which got dull.

Chert and Vansen are most of the reason this book gets a second star*, honestly. Chert's scenes with the Rooftoppers are generally pretty excellent, even if they're mostly tied to a plot arc that I don't care for.

The other thing that's getting me about this is that it feels like a deliberately grim-dark retread of Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn. You've got a castle that's the seat of current government but used to belong to the enemy--the enemy that no one is sure even exists anymore, that lives in a land far enough away to feel distant but also somehow close enough to be threatening, once people believe in them again. That castle is perched upon magically important ruins/caverns, and that enemy has forms of magic/communication that affect humans and can cause or appear symptomatic of madness. There's a race of small likable people who aren't quite dwarves or any other "standard" fantasy race, but are still somehow cute/appealing. There's a crippled prince who's not really well-liked. One of the primary female protagonists is a young woman who laments the limitations of her womanhood under the patriarchal feudal system of the world.

And to someone who's never read either of these series, that list of similarities could mostly read like fairly common fantasy tropes, and I forgive anyone who reads this review and thinks that. But I've read MSaT probably ten times all the way through in the twenty-plus years since I was introduced to it, and I feel like I've just been handed the same story again, with a thick coat of gray paint slathered on it and a few details changed--and those changes are basically always for the worse. No one in this story can be said to be a direct equivalent to Simon, who gets a very clear hero's journey, but if I'm supposed to slot Barrick in as a Simon/Josua mashup (that crippled prince problem) then it takes the entire book to get Barrick out of his comfort zone and on his journey, where Simon got booted from the castle at the end of the first act of the first book.

And that gets at the underlying problem that is at least partially fueling all other problems--this book is clearly just the first act of the larger story, and yes i know! that is what first books do! but this also doesn't have a lot of forward motion on its own, and it doesn't resolve anything aside from the mystery of a single murder at that happens near the beginning. Seriously, all other plot threads get kicked down the road with the "and now they're exiles" theme that the ending has assigned to most of the protagonists. Chert doesn't suffer that fate, but the ending of his story line--also the end of the book itself--is the foundling reasserting that he doesn't know who he is, which is not new information. We've literally not known who he is the whole time, except that we do find out who his mother is, but don't find out how he was taken or why he apparently hasn't aged as much as he should have or what the Qar intended by sending him back "home." The identity of his mother is basically the least important question surrounding him.

I truly feel like I just read a 750-page prologue, and that is not a good feeling.

*Yeah, I told myself this was a two-star book, but by the time I wrote the whole review, it's not and I can't pretend I still believe that. This is a one-star book. This is so bad I don't want to go on with the series, even though it almost has to get better, now that most of our protagonists are out on their journeys. And because it could hardly get worse, right? But this already took up so much of my time (I had to take a week-long break in the middle to binge some romances, as a relief from all this grimdark toil) and even though I've managed to collect secondhand copies of the rest of the series, and they've been sitting on my shelves for a few years waiting for me to invest my energy into them...I'm giving up. Not worth it.

#booklr #book review #tad williams #shadowmarch #book photography #my photos #my reading challenges #mount tbr 2021 #beat the backlist 2021

3 notes · View notes

mental-health-advice · 3 years

Note

trigger warning for not wanting to live, trans struggles, self hatred

sorry that this is super long and whiny, no pressure to respond but thank you a lot if you do!

hello there! I'm currently unable to access therapy so I can't get diagnosed. I was already diagnosed with a sensory disorder as a child and general anxiety. I know I can't self diagnose but I want to better understand what's going on with myself and at least have an idea. Throughout my life I've felt really badly depressed. I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed, it must have been when I was really young. The depression never goes away. It is occasionally less severe but only when I'm escaping reality. I'm transgender and I am not out to most people. I can't stop thinking obsessively about getting surgery. I fear deeply that I've been influenced somehow to feel transgender, because I don't usually feel a want with such conviction. I am never decisive, I always doubt myself, but I am so sure about how badly I need surgery that it scares me. The fact that I physically cannot stop myself from thinking about it is really concerning. My life is falling apart around me, I'm constantly failing and losing everything, and all I can think about is this daydream of getting surgery instead of fixing my life. I'm scared that I don't really want surgery and that I'm actually just telling myself that when I get surgery I will be able to fight my depression. I fear that I'm lying to myself about needing something to make it better when nothing can really heal me from depression. I understand that it won't just go away, but I want surgery so badly that I feel like it is the end goal so I can start living. It is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is the idea that I can do it one day and live my life and cope with depression. Sometimes I feel happiness for a second and it makes me so uncomfortable and scared because it's so foreign to me. I feel so alone. I have always felt so awful and sick about myself in every way. I don't even understand fully why I feel like I'm transgender. I know I've always hated my body and wanted to be a different gender, but I wonder if I am not trans and I actually just have self hatred problems. Inside I really do want someone to tell me, yes it's okay to be transgender and you're not wrong, go get surgery and then you'll be able to live your life. But not only is that confirmation bias ridden, wanting to hear validation so I run away from any transphobia, but. I also worry deeply that I will get surgery and then remain just as depressed because I am the problem. I feel like I am the reason my life falls apart. I dropped out of college 2 years ago and left my job and i tried going back to school but i failed my classes. I am living with my family again and I work for them but I don't really get paid enough to save anything. I'm too depressed to think of what i want to do in the future even though they ask me all the time what my plan is now that i failed again. I cant talk honestly to them about any of this. Im so scared of it i have constant nightmares about them knowing anything about me. I try to stay positive but i feel broken and useless. i am failing in every way. i dont know what to do im really desperate. Thank you a lot for being here for people.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t access therapy. I do hope this will become a possibility in the future, so that you can get properly diagnosed, but most of all, so that you can get the treatment you need and deserve. Like you might know, we don’t promote self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. However, we do think it’s good to be aware of your own symptoms and try to understand them better.

I’ve personally been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia). This is when your depression lasts longer than two years. Throughout dealing with PDD, there can be major depressive episodes, since the depression with PDD tends to be slightly lighter / not as heavy. A different term for PDD is chronic depression, which I personally found really scary because I felt like it’d mean it’d never stop. The term chronic here is meant more as in ‘long term’, rather than ‘forever’.

It sounds like you see surgery as a chance for your depression to fall away. While I do think that you can feel better after surgery, feel more like yourself, I doubt that not having had surgery yet is the sole cause of your depression. It’s usually more complicated than that. So it can be tricky to expect so much of it, because then you can only be disappointed and I wouldn’t want you to have to go through that.

It also sounds like daydreaming about your surgery, is something that holds you up. It helps you manage your current mental state. And I’d say that’s okay! We all need something to keep us up, to escape the reality of mental health struggles. Of course you do need to face it from time to time, but you can’t do that all the time. You need an escape sometimes. So if that escape is daydreaming about surgery, I don’t want to take that away from you! I have my escape too, I read a lot of books where I can escape into different worlds.

Feeling depressed can become a security blanket too. It’s a familiar feeling. You know what it’s like. So then when you feel happiness, or at least a bit happier than usually, it’s scary. You don’t recognise that feeling. It’s completely new to you. So it feels uncomfortable and you try to get back to feeling depressed, because at least you know that feeling.

I can’t look inside your head, so I can’t tell you whether you’re transgender or not. But I can tell you that it’s completely okay to be transgender! You mention that you’ve always wanted to be a different gender, which sounds completely valid to me! Even if you hadn’t felt that way always, you could still be transgender. It’s okay to be transgender, it’s okay to want surgery. But I don’t know if it’s fair to expect to be able to live your life without depression afterwards.

Sometimes, thinking about the future can be too overwhelming. That’s what I find at least! I dropped out of uni and have been working ever since, but if I think about the future and going back to uni, I get overwhelmed. So I try to focus on the present. I’m working now and that’s okay. It’s okay for where I’m at right now. If I manage to feel better mental health wise, then maybe I can think about going to uni again. But right now that isn’t doable, so I don’t consider it. Do you think this approach might be helpful for you too?

I hope this helped at least a little bit! If there’s anything else we can do to help, please let us know.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #transgender #gender #LGBTQIA+#LGBTQ+#LGBT #depression #persistent depressive disorder #PDD #dysthymia #chronic depression #surgery #mhapauline

4 notes · View notes

koishua · 3 years

Note

They are better than the teachers in highschool atleast where they used to focus on just a few students who are the popular and outgoing. Here it's like they take classes, they leave us alone and most teachers don't mind us popping in during lunch or after hours to talk and get our doubts cleared. They help in our studies as much as they can and don't care about other things so that's nice.

It was a mutual decision to leave all together, a few of us were failing in studies, had to actually get really good grades to get into the Pu they were aiming for and I got into an accident just before school started and it felt like the right time- couch wasn't happy but we gave him some amazing juniors who we really liked and he ended up buying us fried chicken and coke when they won a huge tournament against a few other schools and we got to celebrate :3

I usually do meditation and use a massager to get rid of pains in my body after everything but if you're speaking mentally then lofi music, a good book and tea works well.

Yeahhhh nursing, honestly had a few mental breakdowns cuz of organic chem :') not fun do not recommend and i ended up dripping math these two years to make that possible.

Yeah you gotta learn 3 languages in most schools here and I got to learn 3 more languages aside from my mother tongue :3 then at Pu you gotta learn 2. I dropped one of them and chose to study french for these two years and continued with English - the only reason I dropped the other language is cuz of the teacher who was extremely mean and honestly most of them wanted to switch but the changing of languages was expensive but I did it anyway and do not regret it watching them suffer cuz of the teachers :)

Yeah I'm older than you I guess- I'm 17. Whatever you aim for I hope you get it and hope you get into that university of yours :3 cuz having something that you wanna work for is amazing - 🐡

scratch ✍️ college ✍️ professors ✍️ off ✍️ of ✍️ my ✍️ to-curse ✍️ list ✍️

okay, note taken. they sound absolutely more chill than most :)

omg i hope the accident isn't still impacting your daily life :( your coach sounds pretty cool if you know what i mean hehe. i love hearing these types of stories where you and your teammates get along well together. it just makes me happy haha

grades are a hindrance :/ but oh well, all's well when it ends well >:))

unwinding after being under so much pressure is pretty important so yeah some relaxing massages and drinks are amazing. i used to listen to lo-fi so much that i eventually got sick of the beats. now im in my khiphop phase with beenzino and zico and groovyroom etc etc 😔✊ somehow, okey dokey makes me feel way better than a bunch of lo-fi beats???

maths or chem, the two extremes :(( i canNOT deal with organic chem in a language i can barely speak, so i opted for keeping maths, so it'll be a little less stressful for me, since i also have ap bio and all that jazz :/

teachers honestly make or break your school life. it's good that you dropped the subject. my french lads are suffering in silence while im cackling at their misery since i don't have it anymore, yayyyy

oh actually nvm! we are the same age basically! I'm a lil confused now hold on. did you already graduate hs?

#🐡 anon #thank you!!! i shall get in to that uni soon #“(?)” ⸻ anonymous guest.

1 note · View note

atlafan · 4 years

Note

I'm not sure if you're taking requests but if you are could you write a little something about the reader getting like ridiculously stressed over like work or college and harry being a comforting boyfriend❤

a/n: I was really gonna take a break tonight, and I have so many asks in my inbox, but damn, this was just too cute to pass up!

Anything You Want

It was your first year of grad school. You got hired on as a GA in the Meteorology department. You were paid to study the subject you loved more than anything. You knew from a young age that you wanted to be a meteorologist, or at the time, just a weather person. But now you knew there was way more too it than that. You were worked really hard during your undergraduate years. Between countless calculus and computer science classes, you managed to graduate Suma.

You found a graduate program that suited you, and you were accepted. You still tried to make time for fun. The summer before starting graduate school you spent some time exploring the Malibu area. You had never really made the time to take advantage of the beach and coastline. As you went hiking and exploring, you found a nonpopulated area. It had one of the best views you had ever seen. You took note, and decided to come back the next night for the sunset. You brought a blanket and some snacks, and stopped short when you saw a figure sitting there already. You hear a man sigh, and turn around.

“Holy shit.” You say under your breath. It was Harry Styles.

“Here I was thinkin’ no one else knew where this place was. Go ahead, send a tweet out to everyone so they can come find me.”

“I’m...not going to do that. I just came up here to watch the sunset.”

“Alone?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“Yeah. I just moved to the area...I don’t really know a lot of people.”

“Weren’t you scared to come up here by yourself? It’ll be dark soon.”

“Not really, I have pepper spray and my keys.” He chuckles. “Why are you here?”

“Same as you. I like to come here to think, watch the sunset, or the sunrise. You’re smart though, to bring a blanket and food.”

“Wanna share?” He smiles at you.

“Sure.”

And that’s how it happened. He walked you down the trail that night, and somehow you ended up back at his house. And somehow you ended up waking up in his bed the next morning.

It was a summer of love between you two. He loved listening to you talk about the weather, and the science behind all of it. Your grad work started in August. You found small moments to bring him up the roof of the building to show Harry the view. It was a really romantic spot. You were used to him being busy and stressed, but he wasn’t used to you being busy and stressed. You started staying at your apartment more, and less at his place. He hated coming home and you weren’t there.

As the semester progressed, you found your workload increasing immensely. Between the class you had to teach, the classes you were taking, and your personal research for your thesis, you felt like you were going to spontaneously combust. Harry hated seeing you so overworked, but you’d never explain to him how bad it really was. Another weekend rolled around where you weren’t able to drive out to see him. He thought he’d come to you instead.

He had a key to your place, so he let himself in. He found you sitting on the floor next to your desk sobbing. He rushed over to you wrapping you in his arms.

“What’s going on?” He gets you up and leads you to your couch.

“I’m just so fucking stressed, Harry!” You say between tears, barely able to breathe. “I have a million tests to grade, and these kids are so fucking stupid! I feel like I’m a horrible teacher. I have research do for my thesis that I’ve barely had time to start on, and I’m one assignment away from falling behind in my classes! I can’t do this! I don’t know how I thought I could.” Your voice cracks. “And the worst part is, I hate complaining to you because you’re job is just as stressful, if not more!”

He rubs your back, and lets you cry into his chest for however long you need. Once you’ve calmed down a bit, he goes to make you a cup of tea.

“Thanks.” You sniffle, taking the hot mug from him.

“I want you to know, what you’re doing is way more stressful than what I do. I’m under a lot of pressure, yeah, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t last a day doing what you do. You can do this. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You work harder than anyone I know.”

“I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong, Harry. I mean, I haven’t even been able to make time for you. On top of everything else, I’m a bad girlfriend.”

“You are not a bad girlfriend. You’re amazing. I get busy too, I completely understand.”

“But I feel so guilty.” You start crying again.

“Please, I can’t bare to see you like this, don’t cry anymore baby.”

“I can’t help it. I miss you so much. I wish it was summer again.”

“You just need to get through these next few weeks, then you’ll have six weeks off for your winter break.”

“God I can’t wait.”

“And then you and I go off on our holiday to Jamaica.” You wipe your nose and smile at him. “I know you’re stressed, but it’s the weekend. The work will be waiting for you Sunday. Let’s snuggle up and have a nice evening together, hm?”

“Alright.” You sigh and lean into him. “Thank you for coming over, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Harry kisses the top of your head, lays down on the couch and pulls you on top of him. You have a proper cuddle for the first time in what feels like weeks. He was so happy to just be in your embrace again.

“Do you think tomorrow morning we could get up early and go to our spot?” You ask.

“Anything you want.” He says, holding you closer to him.

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles y/n #this was a cute prompt

120 notes · View notes

thelasttraintoarcady · 4 years

Text

Jack KW interviewed John Hassall and the April Rainers after the gig at Nambucca some time ago. After various college pressures and a noisy recording, it wasn't completed, but Jack has done a lockdown interview with me about this creative malarkey I'm involved with. 10ish Questions for Steev Burgess How did you first make the leap from writing poetry to songwriting? Obviously a lot of songs start life as poems, but did you find yourself anticipating which ones would eventually evolve into lyrics? "To be honest, the songwriting happened first long ago, I'd been involved with bands and did a stint of playing a acoustic gigs around the lower east side of New York and in Brooklyn, but nothing much came of it. Eventually I thought what I really like is sitting with a black coffee of a morning writing, so why don't I learn to write some proper poetry. People kept saying to me these would make good songs and John Hassall was one such person. I wrote new stuff for John to work with, that was perhaps more fitting with what I thought he'd like to do and less personal, more universal and he liked it. I think working on poetry made my lyrics better though". Are there any of your pieces that you’ve felt transformed in unexpected ways as they transitioned into songs? "I often have a basic tune in my head when I write the words, but I leave that side of things first to John, then to the band. John tends to pick up on the feel of a song almost telepathically now. It used to be a case of me writing words and John writing music but the interaction is getting more mixed now, but that's how the songs I was involved with on the first album was done. Often, things begin in some ways similar to how I would have wanted them, partly because I write in a very structured way, and partly because John and I have a great understanding in what we both like, but then he takes them off to another dimension that I'd never have thought of. The ending of My two wheels is a great example, all the intros, outros, solos and bass lines too, yet something like Sapphire serpentine is not unlike how I heard it in my head". What first inspired you to work in collage? "The school took us on trips to the Tate gallery and I saw Claus Oldburg's postcard sized collage "Lipsticks in Piccadilly" and some of Peter Blake's work and I thought, I could do that, not as a criticism as some people might have, but as a desire to create good looking artwork". Are there any burgeoning collage artists you particularly admire or enjoy? "There aren't many really, because they tend to do crazy, juxtapositions for the most part. I like Pete Doherty's collage/paintings actually, his work tends to be the residue of his life. Used carbon paper, scribbled lyrics, old cigarette boxes, blood and so on. I do the complete opposite in some ways, they are believable visions of an Arcadian England that somehow escaped us. Like Humanity took a wrong turn somewhere". But his art tells you more about him and his life. John Foxx the electronic musician also went to the Royal college of art and did some interesting art as did a contemporary of his Russell Mills who among other things, illustrated Brian Eno's songs". Could you describe your writing process? Do you begin with a vision of how you want it to take shape, or do you find yourself adapting and improvising as you go? "Let me see, it's difficult. I suppose I know the feel of how I'd like something to be. I'll pick a poetry rhyme scheme to suit that or have the pace of a song in my head as I write lyrics. Sometimes these days John might have an idea that I'll develope and then send him, he might want to change something and then it comes back for me to finish writing before the finished text goes back over to him in Denmark. On Sapphire serpentine John rightly told me the song needed a third verse and I'm glad he did because the third verse was really pleasing to me, it gave the song an optimistic glow which is not something I always do naturally. Occasionally if I'm having trouble getting the song off to perfect start, I'll

1 note · View note

j-wonwootrash · 5 years

Note

Wait I just sent a request but was so excited I didn't read the directions, I'm sorry. Let me try again lol #30 & #60 fluff with Vernon please and thank you 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

30. “can i kiss you?”

60. “sweet dreams.”

genre: fluff

prompt title: close to home

a/n: aw no worries bub haha i got chu’! i think it’s kinda short but i do hope you like it! :)

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You had just finished the overtime shift and the good thing was the workload today was not too heavy. Just manageable, at least you were able to have break here and there. Being a junior graphic designer right after college was something you hope you get. When you did, it was nearly the same procedure and agenda as to when you were still studying.

Four months into the company was okay. Luckily and thank the heavens that there were quite a few co-workers who were your seniors at the campus. They welcomed you and told not to pressure yourself too much because the company was still fresh.

As you had gotten home and readied to prepare dinner; for you it was even if the clock said 11 p.m. You turned on your speaker when the playlist started to replay Hansol’s personal vlogs he had sent you whenever he had the time.

Though only for less than four minutes, he claimed that it was his way to assure you he was doing fine and nothing for you to worry about. Your relationship to the public was still in secret. His friends knew he would date a fan, but not so immediately when he somehow successfully slipped his phone number into your bag during fansign events. They did recognize a girl he had his eyes on few times and he took a liking of her.

When Hansol confessed through phone call, you were at cloud nine, thinking how lucky you must be dating a member of Seventeen. There were times you wanted to visit him, and his suggestion was to pretend you were part of the stylists team. Who knew everytime you do it, no one had noticed.

Time flew fast when you did your night routine. Now you were in bed, scrolling down the latest album of your date with Hansol. Endless selfies and cringeworthy pictures. Your eyelids were dropping and you decided to call it a night.

Or so you thought.

You were sure you had slept for more than an hour when phone buzzed multiple times onto the small table next to the headboard of your bed. You tapped several times as your hands searched for the vibrating device. The emitting light made your eyes squint, where the blurry vision slowly became clear; grey lines showed your boyfriend’s name.

>> Hansol wants to facetime

Given the time difference, it was morning from where he was and midnight at yours. He was still on tour and this was the first call he did since he had left.

“Hi babe! You picked up longer than usual. Waiting for three rings is so not you.” Hansol smiled when Seungkwan nudged him for a tease, later fixed his eyes onto the dark screen. “Oh! Did I wake you up?”

“What do you think han?” you groaned and pulled the string of the side lamp. There revealed your face and messy hair.

“I’m sorry.” he chuckled, fixing his beanie. “How’s my girl doing?”

“I’m fine.” you yawned as you turned your phone landscape to lean onto the lamp. “I had lobster for dinner.”

Hansol’s expression showed a face of betrayal and jealousy. “I want one too.” he jutted his lips.

You rubbed your eyes. “You’ll have to ask cutely.”

“Then..” he trailed off, looking at whatever distracted him. “Can I kiss you?”

“Pfft.” you cackled as you sat up straight for a good tease to Hansol. “That’s not what I mean-”

“But I want to.” his voice lowered.

“You know that’s impossible.” you stuck out your tongue.

“No it’s not.” he said.Tthe screen now was closer to his face, where he puckered his lips to send you a virtual kiss at the front camera. “See?”

“Alright, I’ll make you some when you get back.” you felt buterflies in your stomach.

“But that’s like weeks from now.” he complained.

“How did I fall in love with an impatient Hansol? Bet you your friends never seen this side of you.” you laughed.

“There are things they shouldn’t know. I only want my girl to see this side of me. When I’m with you, you’re closer to home.” he shrugged and you laughed harder at his memed face.

“Even your mom doesn’t know?” you teased.

“My mom..” he cleared his throat. “She knows.. Hey! you’re teasing me.”

“I love you.” you yawned again, catching his attention.

You could tell even when he was on the other side of the screen, that he was blushing hard. “I love you too.”

“Mhm.” you said softly when he looked at you still with heart eyes.

“Okay I won’t disturb your sleep. I kinda feel bad because of the time difference..” he said, only to stop when he saw your eyes closed while you hugged a stuffed bear he gave you on your anniversary.

He smiled to himself at the sight of you, even the little sacrifices you gave for your relationship to work. He wondered to the universe how he deserved a girl who loved him so much despite the backlash that were to come. He thought you were a strong girl.

“I’ll end the call now, love.” he whispered. “Sweet dreams.”

#seventeen #seventeen fluff #seventeen stories #seventeen scenario #seventeen romance #seventeen prompts #seventeen vernon #hansol vernon chwe #vernon prompts #vernon scenarios #svt vernon

39 notes · View notes

virgilfingsanders · 5 years

Text

3:38

TW: Death, Gore, mentions of getting stabbed.

Couple: Analogical

Prompt: Person B (Virgil) knowing they're going to die from blood lose thanks to the gaping wound they're bleeding from. They call Person A (Logan) and have a casual conversation, telling them they love them one last time, instead of calling for help.

~~~

To Virgil, there was something unGodly about the timeframe 2 to 4 am. There always had been, starting when he was a teenage who stayed up to late on Tumblr and Instagram, and, he assumed, their always would be. Now 26, Virgil had an valid reason to be up from 2 to 4 am: Plan B, the high end night club in the middle of the city, wasn't going to run itself, and Virgil would hardly let all his hard work be for nothing, regardless of how anxious he is. Sure, owning a Club wasn't a 'Picture Perfect' job, but if Virgil didn't do it, then who would?

Certainly not people like his husband, Logan, who was a College Professor. Not that Virgil minded his husbands Job, but it often made it a struggle to spend any time together. Virgil needed to be at Plan B on the weekends, when Logan was off, and Logan left for the day around the time Virgil got home. But they had a way of making it work. Logan didn't have classes on Monday, and Virgil never worked Wednesday's, somehow making their less than ideal schedules work perfectly.

Maybe that's why Virgil had been so eager to get home. It was 3:38am on a Monday morning. The sooner he got home and crawled into bed, the longer he'd get to cuddle with Logan. Virgil had been so eager, in fact, that he didn't hear the man walk up behind him.

He didn't hear him pull out the knife. He didn't see a face in the darkness. All he saw was the stars above him, and the empty parking lot in the back of the club. Plan B closed at 2, and Virgil had been the one to lock up today. The only car in the parking lot was his own.

He could feel the blood running out of his stomach onto the parking lot, and realized he probably wouldn't live. Instead he'd bleed out on the cold cement of his own property, behind his own club. No one would even find him until Joan or Roman came in tomorrow, which probably wouldn't be until 6 or 7.

Virgil fished for his phone, pulling it out of his pocket. 3:39 blinked up at him, the box letters somehow calming. It didn't take long to unlock the phone - the password being his and Logan's wedding date - and to get to contacts. What did seem to take forever, though, was waiting for Logan to pick up.

"G'mornin' love. When'll you b'home?" Logan asked, slurring his words together in his half asleep state. In the flat Virgil and him rented, he was laying the king sized bed, eyes closed, and barely awake enough to answer the phone. He wasn't necessarily concerned at the moment, Virgil called at 4 am all the time when he had to stay at club overnight to deal with paperwork and didn't want Logan to worry.

"I can't be home until tomorrow, Starlight. Probably not until tomorrow evening, or even Tuesday," Virgil said, trying to apply pressure to the stab wound in his stomach, knowing very well that it wasn't doing anything. Instead, he mainly focused on the stars he could see, unable to make out constellations due to the light pollution of the city.

"Should I be worried that you're cheating on me with Roman?" Logan asked, his voice sounding a little more awake, but not much. He was still tired, and slightly upset. Logan knew, rationally, the Club that Virgil owned and operated would take a lot of time, but staying their for 2 nights? That seemed a bit excessive.

"No, no, you're the only one for me Starlight. I just - uh, I just got super backed up on paperwork. I'm trying to set up a new Club in the next city over, and, uh," Virgil spoke rapidly, hating lying but thinking it was better than the truth. "I just got a stupid 'mounta paperwork to do."

"Are you lying to me?" Logan asked, jokingly, as he rolled out bed and made his way to the kitchen. Virgil had a of stuttering and rushing his words when lying, but he also did that when nervous or excited or tired, and was, generally, very straightforward.

"Never, Starlight. D'you remember our first date?" Virgil asked, catching his breathe at the end and hitting the mute button just in time for a coughing fit. He was now coughing up blood, how perfect.

"O'course I do, darling. You took me stargazing. We drove an hour and a half away from the city just so there wouldn't be any light pollution and we could name the constellations. We talked about the multidimensional theory and you sang Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade while we danced," Logan whispered breathlessly, remembering that day when he was barely 17 years old. He made his way to the kitchen, making a single cup of coffee using the Keurig.

Virgil clicked the unmute button, laughing breathlessly into the phone as he remembered the amount of panicking he'd done over that night. He'd swapped his usual Panic! At The Disco shirt for a blood red button-up, but kept the black ripped skinny jeans he still wore to this day, and converse.

"My favorite death theory is still the stars," Virgil said, grinning slightly in his weakened state as he counted the stars he could see. Logans laugh carried through the phone, making Virgil's body automatically relax.

"You always were found of that one, even though it's highly illogical."

"Do you remember, 3 years later, when I asked you to marry me?" Virgil asked, keeping his eyes open, on the twinkling stars. If he closed them he may never open them again, and dying without seeing Logan one last time was not something he wanted.

"Yes, I do," Logan said, taking a long sip of his coffee before closing his eyes as he leaned against the Island in their kitchen, reimagining that night. "We drove out to the same spot, but instead of staying on the little hill to stargaze we walked around the surrounding forest until it got dark. You managed to recreate the night of our first date perfectly. Same meal, same constellations, you were even in the same outfit. At the end of the dance, you asked me to marry you, and I couldn't help but say yes."

A small smile slipped onto both of their faces as they thought about that night, noth going silent for a few minutes. It had been magical in every sense of the word. They'd ended up falling asleep on the hill and driving back in to the small apartment they'd shared in the morning, planning on giving their family the news within the week.

"D'you remember the little cabin?" Virgil asked, his voice slowly getting weaker. He could taste the blood on his teeth, which was making him sick, and it was getting harder to hold the phone to his ear ad he spoke.

"Of course," Logan said, the memory of the Log Cabin in the woods and the idea of spending a summer there coming back to him. "There was a little walking path to a long cabin with a wrap around porch. The cabin seemed in perfect condition other than the fact that there wasn't anyone there. I'd love to go and stay there. Investigate the forest of the surrounding area and watch the stars every night."

"You're birthday's next week, Starlight. We're going to spend a week in that cabin. I already cleared it with you're boss. The key to the cabin is hiding in the glovebox of my car right now," Virgil slurred his words together, the stars losing their dimness as the pain began to take over. Logan rolled his eyes at Virgs confession, the boy never could keep secrets, even for the sake of someone's birthday. "I've gotta go now, love. I'll be home tomorrow, Logan, I'll be home tomorrow."

"I love you, Virgil, don't overwork yourself," Logan said softly, finishing his cup of coffee and putting the mug into the sink.

"And I love you, Logan. More than the moon and sun and all the stars. You're my Starlight."

Logan smiled at the slurred words, assuming his husband was exhausted from a long day. In Logans mind, Virgil would fall asleep on the couch in his office, forgetting to charge his phone. He'd probably wake up, make a cup of coffee, forget to eat, and get started right away on paperwork, not even thinking to charge his phone until his lunch break, which would last 20 minutes at most. He'd come home around 6ish, complaining about office work, and would try, and fail, to sneakily wrap his arms around Logan while he was cooking dinner. With those thoughts in mind, Logan hung up and made his way back to bed, curling up in the warm covers and falling peacefully asleep.

Virgil pulled the phone away from his ear, barely making out a blurry '4:16 am' before his world went black. He smiled slightly, Logans voice in his head repeatedly saying 'I love you, Virgil'.

~~~

One titled 4:16 about Logan finding out about it and grieving? Maybe.

12 notes · View notes