#there's more to come lmaoooooooooo

[cheesomancer]

J for Jabberwock 🦗 Unleashed art: twitter, bsky

[deus-ex-mona]

biannual reminder that this event sure was a ✨thing✨

[trashlie]

Alyssa Cho: Sexuality and Fitting In

It’s been six months since we finished the Shinlyssa Flashback arc, can you believe that? And it’s taken me all these months to finally start putting together this post lol. 

During the flashback arc, one of the hotly contested theories was: Did Alyssa have a crush on Shinae? It’s easy to think we’re reading into things, especially in a story like ILY where we can’t always, in the moment, see something for what it is, or rather what it will become. It’s easy to overthink things, and sometimes we get focused on things that are red herrings. But, in this case, I think it’s not far from the truth at all. In fact, I think the possibility of Alyssa’s sexuality is a part of why she is so desperate to fit in at all. Especially in middle school, society isn’t always kind to lgbtq folks, and there’s a couple hints that it might be something her family is against, as well. 

Now I want to make it clear from the start: I don’t think we can specifically speculate on what Alyssa’s sexuality is, firstly because there’s a good chance even she isn’t sure and secondly because sexuality is certainly a part of a spectrum and it isn’t something that necessarily stays unwavering. I will also up front state that while my suspicions are that Alyssa leans more towards lesbian, that doesn’t negate the possibility of bi/pan/something less specific. But what I DO want to speculate is how her relationship with her possible sexuality, and thus her relationship with Shinae, heavily factors into her need to conform and fit in. 

I think the beginning of the flashback arc is where we see Alyssa at her happiest, and perhaps her most honest. She has a great time in math club with Alyssa, the teacher gets her excited about the math competitions and the chance to prove herself. But it also is where everything starts to go downhill. 

It doesn’t really need reiterated, because the story has made it very clear, but Alyssa is very driven by attention and praise. But I don’t think it’s blind praise she wants, because she often refutes it from Alyssa. It’s not anything special to her that she can play instruments because anyone can do that; writing music though? That’s special. Alyssa talks about wanting to be liked and popular, but what I suspect she really want is acceptance for who she is, and she quickly learns that it won’t be found here unless she starts faking it. 

She’s an intellectual girl, advanced beyond probably most of her peers, who has no favor for kpop and much prefers the classics, is heavily invested in STEM with a favor for bio engineering. It’s made immediately apparent to her that all of her interests will make her a target. It’s not simply that she won’t fit in - it’s that she sticks out in a way that will make people think her weird and outcast her, and it’s really clear that being ostracized is something she fears. I think it’s important to emphasize that this is a fear; it’s not simply being a preteen and wanting to be liked because you don’t know how to be alone but a fear that drives her to do really rash things and lash out. This fear is compounded by her anxiety. When confronted about the missing science project, when it gets out of her hand before she has a chance to stop it, when confrontation comes to a head, Alyssa goes home, feeling sick and miserable. 

She simply could not handle the confrontation or the ramifications it yielded. 

For Alyssa, fitting in a necessity. 

Early in, Alyssa admits to Shinae that she begged her parents to let her go to public school because she wanted to make friends her own age. I imagine she must have been lonely. I don’t think she was homeschooled with other kids - just her sister, and from the sounds of it, she probably didn’t have friends in her dance lessons. I’m willing to bet they were personal, one-on-one lessons, or else maybe she would have been more focused on making friends with the kids in her class rather than dancing? As it is, dance sounds like it was a passing interest of hers that she didn’t really come to love but was stuck continuing, because the alternative was to tell her parents and that doesn’t seem something she’s capable of. But she also admits to Shinae that she has seen what happens to kids who are outcast and ostracized. She doesn’t want that; it goes against the whole reason she came to public school! Why would she endure that if she could just go back to homeschooling and her loneliness?

Another thing Alyssa notes, though, is this. 

It doesn’t seem like much, in the moment. Alyssa has already talked about how overbearing her parents are, how she expresses interest in something and they shower in it, even it was just a fleeting idea. She seems to feel overwhelmed by them and wants an escape from them, lest they take another thing that interests her and put her through it in a way that makes her lose any fancy she possessed for it. 

But it’s a mantra that comes up again, later. 

For a while during the flashback, I waffled a lot on Alyssa’s sexuality. Was it, I wondered, just a red herring, meant to make us THINK Alyssa had a crush, but it was really more about her internal conflict with her feelings about hurting Shinae and trying to do what she wants? Alyssa (much like Nol does) struggled a lot with her relationship with Shinae vs what she wanted more than anything. She tried to make it worked - tried to find a way to be both Shinae’s friend AND to be popular and well-liked, and when it miserably back-fired on her, she made a choice. 

It was here, though, that I began believe that yes, Alyssa probably did have a crush on Shinae, that Alyssa may, in fact, like girls. 

Alyssa has a secret so deep that she doesn’t want anyone to know, not even Shinae. (Also, note the way she says she didn’t want anyone to find out, not even you, as if maybe, Shinae could have been separate person, who maybe she could tell her OTHER secrets to, if they ever got so far.) She especially doesn’t want the teachers involved, because that will get her parents involved - and they won’t be happy, because they’ll ask things and they won’t like what she has to say. That is, the truth was something that would upset them. 

It’s really important, too, to reiterate that Alyssa’s home life is far from perfect, too. We’ve seen just enough to start to wonder about them. Alyssa’s response to her dad was the most telling - the way she completely changed her whole personality and mood in response to him coming home speaks volumes. 

Shinae doesn’t seem to register what she overheard, but the jagged speech bubbles suggest yelling, Meg and her dad probably arguing loudly. We don’t see anything, so it’s hard to completely read the body language - is Meg just covering hear ear because her father is yelling? Is she holding her hand up because he slapped the side of her face? 

Moreso, when Shinae asks if everything is good at home, and finally brings up the complete 180 change of Alyssa’s, she lashes out again. 

Hiding an angry, controlling, potentially abusive father is probably first nature to Alyssa. She’s learning - she knows what kinds of things will ostracize you, what will make you weird to the others. Isn’t it better to not let them see that side of you? But honestly, further? It reads even more like she’s just not allowed to bring kids around, period, because of him. When Shinae called to check up on Alyssa after checking on her, she asked if she could go over and visit Alyssa again, and her mom told her that she couldn’t. Whether her dad is actually strict about people coming over or Alyssa is just using it as a line to not allow anyone else (and frankly, it feels more like the latter, since she’s still feeling out what is “normal”), the point is: they’re hiding something. 

So Alyssa has a secret she’s so desperate to keep, that she absolutely does not want anyone, not even Shinae, and especially not her parents to find out. 

The other thing that made me start to feel more confidently about this possibility was the language used by the boys bullying Alyssa. It’s language that is very pointedly anti-gay. 

It’s not just simple bullying - it’s not (completely) about the stolen project, it’s not about who she hangs out with or her socio-economic status or who her paents are, or anything like Shinae is bullied for. 

“You’re really cute, you know that? Such a shame it’s going to waste though... Nasty.” 

What else could they mean by “going to waste” if not that it’s a shame that she, a cute girl, would never date them/some guy, that it’s “wasted” on her going “against the natural order of things” or something equally gross. 

“You know they say people like you have brains that are damaged, right? That’s why you’re the way you are.” 

Homosexuality being written off as a mental illness, as something wrong with the brain, as something that can be converted out of them, as though it’s a defect still remains an argument even in this day and age. Anti-gay hate speech still tries to convince queer folk and especially those who hate or fear them that there is something wrong with them, that they’re defective, that it goes against all that is natural (a man should only lie with a woman). 

These boys are echoing explicit hate speech, and I think it must be tied to the notes in Alyssa’s locker. If they were the same things Shinae is being bullied for, why would she refused so adamantly to tell her about it? If they were bullying her about the same thing, wouldn’t she maybe instead just blame Shinae? But instead, she doubles down on it, because this thing, this thing she’s hiding that she doesn’t want anyone to know about, would ruin everything. Her parents would hate her, and if she were forced to tell them the truth about it, perhaps she’d face even worse consequences with her family. 

Alyssa reiterates that she just wanted to be liked and to fit in. And now, there’s no easy way out of her current situation. She’s conflicted about the choice she has to make. She doesn’t tell Shinae what she’s conflicted about - but I think it’s pretty easy to guess what it is. 

Alyssa’s conflict is: does she remain friends with Shinae who has been nice to her and has treated her so well and probably made her feel special, but also whose relationship has brought Alyssa strife and made others think she might be a weirdo thief in association; or does she do what she set out to and forsake Shinae in favor of the other kids’ approval, to fit in and blend in just the way she wanted? 

We know what choice she made, but despite how things go, I don’t think it was the easiest choice, either. When Shinae calls out Alyssa on things like ignoring her, Alyssa deflects, though not well, and she looks nervous or anxious. When the awful girls are messing with Shinae’s belongings, Alyssa (unsuccessfully) tries to stop them. The whole altercation leading up to Alyssa recoiling and accidentally pushing Shinae out the window seems very much like a battle for Alyssa of what she wants and what she knows is right. 

Shinae had a big impact on Alyssa! She was Alyssa’s first friend, and probably one of the only real, true friends she ever had. Shinae liked Alyssa completely for who she was - for her love for math and science, for her cool trips to cool exhibits, for her ability to play so many instruments. The things that made Alyssa weird to people, Shinae accepted her for. Most importantly, Shinae was a bright beam in her life. She was radiant and seemed so confident and strong and tough - things that Alyssa admired but did not herself possess. 

Sure, it could have just been admiration. After all, when Alyssa began blushing with Shinae, it came off the back of compliments, right? 

Alyssa seems so taken aback by Shinae’s very earnest compliment, by the idea of impressing someone with one of her skills, with the idea of being able to play something for her. But if it was simply about compliments, wouldn’t all compliments make her flush? 

Minhyuk’s compliment doesn’t get much of a reaction from Alyssa. If anyone, she looks a little wary, a little put on the spot. But when Shinae backs him up and reiterates it, she’s back to being flustered, mumbling something Shinae doesn’t catch. 

Something I think is worth mentioning is that quimchee definitely differentiates these kinds of reactions. Blushes are colored red and usually use the lines, but there’s a LOT more cases of the lines being used without a blush. I’ve always thought of that as being flustered - similar to when you embarrass, but perhaps not to the same degree. 

We’ve seen it many times between Shinae with Dieter (compared to Dieter very often going red with the lines). We saw it when Shinae pointed out that Nol’s face had healed by getting very close to him and he got flustered, and even far earlier in the story, when Shinae ran into him in the Hirahara Corp. lobby and he fell out of the chair he was spinning in. 

We even see a small version of the lines on Shinae’s face when she watches Minhyuk at taekwondo and she finds him really cool. 

Now, I’m not trying to say red blush = romantic feelings, although I do think they tend to trend that way. I just want to reiterate that when the red color enters, it feels like more of a flush, a deeply blushing, than just flustered. Blushing can be embarrassment - but we also see it often with the lines (see Nol) or sometimes a sweatdrop. Perhaps quimchee does have a more specific set of rules about this that we’ll one day hear about, but it’s something I try to keep in mind. 

That said, Alyssa blushing A LOT in a black and white flashback where her sexuality has come in to play feels very, very pointed. The flashback has selective color, so Alyssa’s flush stands out. I think it’s meant to. I think we’re meant to infer this. 

Her blushing isn’t simply limited to Shinae praising her, either. 

When Alyssa finds out Shinae was bullied at her old school, she apologizes, and tells her she never would have guessed, asks how she can be so strong. Shinae is nothing but honest, but it’s her brilliant smile that sways Alyssa. 

I think there’s something even more specific about this blush, too. The close up on her face, how we don’t see it all, her eyes withheld, her mouth quivering. Alyssa is so affected by this. It’s not Shinae paying her compliments or praising her. It’s Shinae. Her warmth and radiance and strength and positivity and the way she just shines. 

And that smile GETS to Alyssa!

Alyssa can’t run away this time, so she looks away, but the blush still happens. Shinae’s smile just seems to be so disarming to Alyssa! 

For a while, when I was trying to decide if I thought this was a crush or a red herring, I considered: maybe every time Shinae is so bright and positive, she feels bad because she’s lying to Shinae. She feels bad because she knows Shinae is a better friend than she is. And sure, I suppose that could be. Alyssa doesn’t like when she looks like she’s in the wrong. But given the context of the explicit things the boys said, the bullying that Alyssa wouldn’t open up about, the thing that she absolutely adamantly does not want anyone to know about, that she can’t speak of? 

It feels like it’s exactly what it looks like: Alyssa has a crush on the nice, tough, confident, weird, boisterous girl who is so nice to her and sees something in her. 

Alyssa is so affected by Shinae’s concern, by her expression of actual care. Telling her she misses her, going all the way to her place to check on her, her relief that she’s okay. Alyssa is so touched by the effort Shinae puts forth, so moved to be on the receiving end of it. She just can’t reconcile herself with it. 

Because Shinae represents the thing Alyssa is hiding, that she wants to run away from. She knows the other students think Shinae is weird, and that association with her only pulls down her own reputation. She’s in conflict over what she wants (popularity, so many friends, people to like her to) vs what her heart wants - Shinae’s affection and unabashed confidence and the way she looks in Shinae’s eyes. 

But she can’t admit this to herself. She can’t let her heart, her feelings, rule this conflict. 

I think Shinae hit the nail right on the head - just not in a way she realizes. I think Alyssa IS lying to herself. I think she IS in denial. I think her sexuality is something she’s yet to reconcile, that at this point in time she cannot make peace with. Because people think it’s weird, because they think it’s unnatural, because it’s “wrong”, because they think people like her perverts are monsters. There’s a part of her that she recognizes is not “normal”, in that it doesn’t suit the status quo, what society generally believes to be true, so she hides it. She stuffs it deep down and tries to repress it, to pretend it’s not there, pretend that’s not her, pretend she’s the very picture of “normal” middle school girl. 

She pretends to like the things other “normal” kids do. She starts to feel uncomfortable about the things she DOES like. She’s not embarrassed about math club - she’s just self-conscious. Because being weird makes you stick out. It makes people look differently at you. If you’re “weird” enough, it makes them bully you, ostracize you. 

Alyssa is so lonely and she just wants to fill that void. She thinks fitting in will make it better. She thinks fitting in will protect her. Look how quickly the bully girls change their beliefs about Alyssa, as soon as she pushes all suspicion from her. No longer is she the weird one, suddenly they wall want to be her friend, they think she’s so cool. Just like that. 

Fitting in will afford her protection, because if she’s “normal” enough, no one will suspect her, no one will find her weird, and no one will find out about her darkest secret. It will keep her safe. 

Obviously, this is a naïve belief. Especially in middle school, kids will turn on you for whatever reason. Alyssa is clearly rich, eager to please, and wants to fit in. She’s sold one project and suddenly kids wanted her to do all their work, to benefit from her. It wasn’t real friendship - they just liked her for what she could do to them. But Alyssa is convinced that popularity - that being surrounded by people, by being liked, will protect her. She’ll fit in. She’ll have friends. That aching loneliness that has eaten her up won’t be a problem.

Except none of it is real. The real friendship was Shinae. Shinae was the one who liked her for who she is, not just what she can do for her. Shinae was the one she didn’t have to fake it for, who saw her at her worst and still tried to be her friend. It was the price she paid to protect herself, and her secret. 

But for Alyssa, who may see a part of herself as “wrong” because it won’t be accepted, who is so lonely and just wanted to be liked and to make friends, maybe she hopes that being liked will make up for that “wrongness”. Maybe, if enough people like her, it will make her feel loved in the way she wants, but won’t allow. If she thinks something is wrong with her, couldn’t the love and adoration of the masses, make her feel like it’s not true, cover it up, make it feel like it doesn’t matter? 

I think even now, in the present, it’s possible that Alyssa’s sexuality may be a thing she hasn’t reconciled with. Is she still hiding from it? Is she still fighting to be seen as “normal”? Who was she, before Yui made an idol of her, when she was friends with Nol, Dieter, and Soushi. Did she crave that faux normalcy even then? 

I’ve considered, too, that perhaps Nol provides another benefit he’s unaware of. Again, as I’ve said, we can only speculate on Alyssa’s sexuality, so it doesn’t rule out that she could also like men. But could it be that Nol provides her the protection that she needn’t deal with her sexuality? She has a boyfriend, case closed. It doesn’t matter then, who she’s interested in. It doesn’t matter, because who is going to question anything? 

(Also, tangential, but fake-dating someone who so-very-much resembles young Shinae, with that bright, radiant smile that had a way of always undoing Alyssa? Listen. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence. Even if she’s never had feelings for Nol, I still think she was drawn to him because of how Yeonggi reminded her of Shinae, how he was like an echo of the only real friendship she’d had, and I think that was a big part of the draw. Shinae had such an impact on her that years later, she was shaken to her core by someone whose smile was just as radiant as hers.) 

I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Alyssa’s sexuality, either. It wouldn’t have been repeated so many episodes if not. I always thought that Alyssa’s career will fail at some point, because the whole point of her character is that she is constantly trying to chase love and affection in places she won’t find it, and her fans’ love for her is only conditional. It used to be I thought that bullying allegations would arise and that would cause her call. Claims that Alyssa was involved with a girl who got pushed out of her school window, that she turned on her. It’s so easy to take the truth and twist it up a little. Shinae saw her first bully again when she was buying comics. Who’s to say Sarah Lee won’t show up again to bring down Alyssa. As a former trainee, wouldn’t Sarah have the most jealousy towards Alyssa? But now I do worry that it could be rumors of her sexuality that could be her undoing. After all, how did the boys targeting Alyssa know what they did? Where did they glean the information they used against her? 

I know Alyssa isn’t a popular character with a lot of the choices she has made. But I do think it’s worth acknowledging how her potential sexuality ties into those choices she made, and the kind of pressure she felt to fit in, to be seen as “normal”. A lonely girl who wanted nothing more than to have lots of friends, who probably felt so empty despite her parents’ overbearing interest in her, but who also knew that there was something about her that is considered Not Right, and that it was something that could threaten the very thing she covets - being adored. Idk, I think in that context, her choices make sense. They’re still selfish, she still can’t face conflict, she still doesn’t get that being loved is not about a role but who you are. But I think if she could feel that part of her accepted, if she didn’t fear what her parents would think, if she knew she’d be supported no matter what, maybe she wouldn’t have made those choices. 

Like everyone in ILY, Alyssa has to contend with who she really is and she really wants. Now that she’s an idol, she’s come to realize that even this love is conditional. That it doesn’t fill that lonely void, that it doesn’t replace whatever it is she’s seeking - it just makes it worse. 

[xjoonchildx]

Yeah I totally agree as to how writers are leaving. I agree. Why are they leaving you think?

me figuring out how much trouble i wanna get in tonight

lmaoooooooooo

okay, listen. i have thoughts. i have observations. and i’m going to share some of them with you.

in my experience, most writers have been leaving for one of these three reasons:

1. engagement (rather, the lack thereof)

yeah, yeah i know, writers post about this a lot but here’s why: it’s true. readers on this site, for whatever reason, don’t interact with fics as much as they used to. even some fics that get a lot of likes may only have one or two comments, maybe a couple of reblogs with no feedback.

for what it’s worth, i’ve always felt that for the size of my blog (and how flipping long it takes me to post something) i get wonderful reader feedback and engagement. but i see so many writers struggling out in these tumblr streets, posting really great work that gets very little feedback and it’s discouraging for them. i get it.

i will also be transparent and say that as a writer who biases a “less popular member” it kills me when amazing stories about him (and other “less popular members”) just fall flat.

one of the best hobi stories i ever read had 20 notes when i found it by accident. twenty. it had been posted for some time. in my mind, that was a crime—that story was an absolute masterpiece and it had 20 notes (!). i sent it to every person i knew short of my mama because i was offended that people hadn’t recognized its brilliance. sadly, that writer left tumblr and took her masterpiece with her which brings me to my next point:

2. drama and writer-on-writer crime

phew y’all, there’s just so much of it. i don’t know what it is about tumblr that makes some people lose their absolute minds but they sure damned do. i’ve been here for a minute and i have seen it all.

writers mounting anonymous hate campaigns against one another (this happens a lot). writers mounting anonymous hate campaigns against people they pretended were friends (this one happens a lot a lot). writers sending themselves a boatload of hate anons to get sympathy and attention on the dash (this one happens a lot a lot a lot).

popular writers going out of their way to befriend up-and-coming writers only to then turn around and start nasty whisper campaigns about them when the up-and-coming writer’s blogs and stories eclipse their own in popularity.

insecurity is a hell of a drug.

there are some writers who get on here and they’re cool and they stay cool and they enjoy success and guess what? they’re cool about it.

and then there are the writers who get a few thousand followers and a bunch of notes and delude themselves into thinking they’re real-life celebrities. to those writers i would say: pick the fanciest restaurant in your city, call to make a reservation on a friday night and if they don’t have a slot make sure you let them know you’re really big on tumblr. let me know how that works out for you, okay?

it sounds stupid and it is stupid but this happens on this site all the time. what makes me sad is that it drives people away. they take their personalities and stories and contributions to this insane little space we have here with them, which sucks. the author of that amazing hobi fic? deactivated her account over tumblr drama.

so if you have a blog here and you are so wrapped up in jealousy and insecurity that you feel the need to harass someone off the site (including “friends”), log off and seek help.

3. life (adulting, sigh)

this is the boring one, but it still tracks. this community blew up when covid hit and we all had a lot more time to muse about what kim namjoon would look like in his underwear. but so many people had to get back to the grind after a while, and that meant less time for tumblr and for writing in general (wait is this entire one about me oops)

when i started tumblr i wasn’t working full time. then covid hit. so i had a long stretch where i could dedicate a lot of time to writing and posting. and YES i was still slow, so go ahead and throw that tomato lmao but STILL. it really does impact the number of stories going up and some people who joined during the pandemic just don’t have the time to go back to this like they had before.

so yeah, that’s what i’ve personally seen and experienced on this site. the good news is that for every nasty, insecure writer on this site there are dozens of great people telling great stories. i’m going to stick around for them and i hope you do, too 💕

[confetti-critter]

holy shit those guys hit hard

OK IM GUNNA DO IT!!!! IM GUNNA EXPLORE THE WOODLAND MANSION!!!!

[changbinsboobs]

I think thats my biggest ick with idols in general they seem very mixed in terms of what they want in their readings as well like sometimes one of them wants a relationship but at the same time doesnt want someone whos always clingy to them 24/7 like sorry how do they expect their partner to be then? especially younger ppl are going to be like I get it if its a personal space thingy but at the same time they either do or dont want romance in their lives. that or a lot of it comes from their own insecurities too which you also wouldnt want to deal with if you have your own insecurities

and actually given the age demographic of their fan bases i can see older fans being slightly put off by wanting to engage in a romantic relationship with the members because mentally skz seem very young? esp felix i think some members could easily be taken advantage off whilst others need to dial their egos down a tad if they want a serious relationship (me talking about an idols relationship despite the fact ive never been in one myself lmaoooooooooo)

also chan not kissing yet is so relatable but still a bit of a surprise because he always seem to have girlies lusting after him so bro probs had 50 temporary relationships that fell through because of both their immaturities or general inexperience tho

this blog has so much tea its actually hilarious but im getting a better image of who id avoid sorry not sorry its not all about wealth or their idol image folks but bc their fans seem to be getting younger i feel like thats all they experience romantically and thus really do treat older fans like theyd be a personal waitress or their second mother as that other anon said its very immature if they really are like that but at the same time u wouldnt want to waste effort on a guy like that because its going to go nowhere

I find skz to be actually pretty divided between very mature, family oriented, man of their word kinda guys (seungmin, i.n, changbin & lee know) and the other half being pretty immature/toxic in one aspects or the other, romantically speaking.

I must say tho - i find it weird discussing their datability sometimes, and talking about them as if they're guys we know and actually have an option to date😅 well anyways, as u said some seem quite inexperienced or immature and especially people like that tend to not really know what they want which leads them to change their opinion or preference often or not being able to stick with one certain thing for a long while, cuz how can you know what you like and what you want when u don't even know urself right?!

And idk how you really meant it in ur last paragraph but i don't think the age of their fans has anything to do with the age range of the people they date😂 if i remember correctly i did a reading on that a while ago, i don't remember what came up but overall i don't think any of them really do anything with fans - and even if they would, it wouldn't be with crazy obsessed fans (which probably the majority of those are younger) but with more mature ones that don't put them on a pedestal and just behave with dignity.

[cowboy]

journal #2

Good eve. :)

I've been in a strange way these past few days. I don't even know where to start seeing as this is seen by strangers who know nothing about my life, not even the mundane or simple things. but I'll just go into it.

This feeling I've been having of feeling like a tiger pacing in a cage has existed for years now and it flares up every once in a while. what does it feel like to let that pressure buildup go? is it possible to let it go? what would cause that pressure to burst and be freed? is this feeling eternally subconscious-to-conscious-to-subconscious-again? as in, i feel like it comes and goes but always exists. does it ever truly, truly leave? what does it mean to feel free, or cageless, anyway?

do y'all even know that feeling i'm talking about? lmao.

i have been going crazy over this crush for way too long and that's definitely adding to my feeling. i feel absolutely tied to a crush when i have one; i become addicted to the sensation of being near them and i forego so many of my desires and needs for them.

i came back home the other day to a messy room for five days in a row and only today could i clean it. i'm actually also realizing i haven't had my meds for a month now and i think that's really adding to this feeling and these actions (or... lack thereof).

anyway, i made a hinge profile this morning and i quickly realized how much i enjoy being found cute! it usually makes me feel really nervous but the separation of an app/ability to just swipe left or whatever made me feel more in control. to be clear, i hate that i enjoy it so much. i feel very vain in that sense -- i suppose it's human, but i'd like to think i don't need/want to be found attractive. oh well. i do i guess. not sure if that's something i should like... fix.

hinge both helped and did not help at all with my crush. i've been able to realize there's attractive funny interesting people out there that my crush tunnel vision was distracting me from, so i feel a lot less tethered to my crush. on the flipside, i realized so quickly that the type of person i am really truly fully attracted to at the moment doesn't exist, because it's just my crush. i just want someone exactly like him because i just like him so much. Lmaoooooooooo.

i'm also feeling stuck on this one art piece i'm making for my now-ex-but-still-bestie -- here's a pic of all the drafts i made of it:

that pic is missing one; four drafts total exist.

here's a close up of the most completed one:

plus my stupid looking goose ass. (my eye is red and irritated rn.)

it says "isn't it funny that we're here and not there?" i liked this concept for a while but now i am sick of it after drawing it three times and i feel like the message is boring to me now. i wanna draw something new, but i haven't properly set aside the time to develop any novel concept that would be appropriate as a gift for my friend.

anyway, i'll try to figure that out. what i'm more interested is -- do you feel like you get anything from this image, emotionally or intellectually? does it interest you at all whatsoever? what do you think the meaning is behind this piece, if any is notable at all? (i like it when people form opinions or theories behind the meanings of my pieces, so anything is valid 100%.)

also, would anyone be interested in purchasing one of these original drafts from me for like $10 or $15? again, i'm seeing if i might dip my toes into selling my art online so any feedback is helpful. hehe.

i'll end here. i have some more to post -- i'll be posting a little sketch comic draft of "notes on having a crush" and maybe people can find those relatable or what have you.

i hope everyone's having an excellent day. i am having a good one myself, despite that strange feeling of being pent-up and unresolved. :)

[beautifulpersonpeach]

your bff parkparkjeon is throwing the baby out with the bathwater dragging jimin into tae's mess you should talk sense into her instead of liking her posts if you like jimin as you say

***

Lmaoooooooooo.

A lot of you are insane and have no one to tell you.

I suppose after I'd been deleting your asks sent while Anonymous, you decided to take off anon and send in the same BS. Which is a good choice I guess if what you want from me is a response.

I don't typically get or respond to asks about bloggers and I don't actually know PPJ. I don't know anyone on here at all actually, but as I keep saying, if you're not Black, sit this one out. You have no idea, not even an inkling of a reference point, to begin even trying to partake in this conversation.

**

I was initially going to leave my response to you at that, but I've changed my mind. Because though my feelings don't perfectly align with PPJ's and they don't need anyone, least of all me, to defend them, I do want to say something about how generally, people in fandom and community systems are unable to process complex and dissenting opinions based on experiences (other) those people cannot possibly relate to. Especially when it comes to Black experiences.

It's possibly why I've gotten asks from other people wondering why it's such a bad thing to mouth a word if you're just 'singing along' to a song. Honestly, these are questions you should be asking the Black people in your real lives, not a stranger on the internet. But whatevs.

Even if my feelings don't perfectly align with PPJ's, I completely understand their frustration. Whenever Black people express hurt referring to general groups of people and while making sweeping statements like that, the impulse from other people is to point out the exceptions, the anecdotal instances that show Black people (and in this case, PPJ) they could be wrong. But the reality is that Black American experience is riddled with violations to their person, daily, from other Black people, from other POC, from white people, from really everyone, and yet it’s difficult to acknowledge that fact without sounding like a perpetual victim. Which is how most people see Black people when they make such statements. Nobody woke up two days ago and expected to see Tae mouthing "nigga". He could sing along to songs, but he didn’t need to sing along to that word if he cared about the implications. It’s really that simple. He went ahead and did so because he didn’t think it was a big deal. And that’s not uncommon, which I believe is the source of parkparkjeon’s frustration. It’s that so many people have such a superficial idea of what that word means and why Black people want to reclaim it as only theirs, that they don’t actually see the big deal in mouthing or singing along to it.

It feels like fighting a losing battle honestly, because the fact is people will always do what they want, and saying someone can’t say a certain word, for some people just makes them want to say the word even more, or to look for arguments in which saying the word is fine. The civil rights movement ended in the 60s, and yet it's 2023 and we're still here. The world doesn’t actually, really care about Black people, and this includes other Black people themselves I’d say, which I know sounds defeatist and is controversial to say. The lives and experiences of Black people just aren’t taken seriously, at least not to the same degree as other races and classes of people are, and that’s due to the lingering ripple effects from centuries of subjugation, as well as other factors. We have a plethora of literature, spanning centuries, of Black writers detailing their peculiar experience on this note, but someone saying this in plain English is taken as them whining, being annoying, going on and on about how the world isn't fair to them when 'they should know' everyone knows the world isn't fair anyways.

That's bullshit.

I say nigga because that’s what I am, it’s what I look like and it’s how I’ve lived and been treated in America. I don’t feel any special attachment to the word, it’s just a fact of the matter, but the reality that other groups of people refuse to acknowledge what that means for Black people as a group in America, the people who have reclaimed it and use it in their art, even with daily violations against their person in the US, the fact this still happens only reminds people of hurt. I can totally see where PPJ is coming from. And the last thing I'll do from one Black person to another, is try to stifle their self expression. They get to say what they want on this note. Whether or not I like it. And I say this not because I'm Black, not because I'm Korean, but because I'm a person who recognizes that they're not hurting anyone, they are simply expressing feelings of hurt related to an experience that is long-documented and is uniquely theirs.

As to your mention of Jimin, when I said certain crimes in k-pop are 'sticky', this is partly what I meant also, because the fact is Korean society has evolved through a Western imperialist system and is racist. Taehyung doesn't operate in a vacuum and behaved the way he did likely influenced by his own personal beliefs, and environment. Digging far back enough implicates everyone around him, including Jimin who has also made colorist statements. Does this mean I think Taehyung and Jimin are racist? No. Just as I don't think the people sending me asks wondering why they can't mouth "nigga" singing along to a song, are racist. But it does mean I think neither Taehyung nor the people asking these questions in my inbox, care enough about Black experiences to think about why "nigga" is a 'bad word' that only Black people today are supposed to get to use. Other members in the rapline through direct scrutiny, have over the years become more conscious of what this means, but I'm very certain, just by virtue of their environment, that they still have blindspots.

That's it.

And it's okay for a Black fan, to express their discomfort, frustration, and/or anger with this reality. This is something Black fans do by default anyway, critically moving through a world that claims to care and yet the bare minimum, of thinking about why things are the way they are, is too much of an ask. And this is not a condemnation of you, or BTS. It's simply an acknowledgement of the reality Black people inhabit.

So, no. I won't "talk sense" into them. I don't even know why you thought this was a reasonable thing to ask anybody to do. If they choose to no longer associate with the fandom as a result of their experience, that's very much their right. As it is for anyone who comes to such conclusions for whatever reason. Whether or not I agree with it. Whether or not you agree with it.

Welcome to Pluralism 101.

[silviakundera]

Joy of Life Episode 9 liveblogging

This is my first watch, so don't tell me secrets ;)

Tagging silvia watches jol so you can block

It's 130 taels LMAO oh Lying Liar guy, I misjudged you

I'm on strike and refuse to acknowledge that the forced romantic misunderstanding is happening.

Especially with how he immediately clocks Si Lili

She's interesting, hope we meet her again

Second Prince, gossip addict. Like father, like son.

Loser brother being so defensive I LOVE HIMMMMMM. He's so dumb, he's allowed all the misunderstandings he wants. Baby, you like drumsticks?

Guo Baokun wrapped like a mummy is taking me out 😂😂😂

It's really sweet how pressed he got his brother and stepmom

The trial is starting out hilarious, just insult to injury

Sister Ruruo and loser brother plotting to save their half-brother is SO ADORABLE.

"I'll rush in and cut them to death." LMAOOOOOOOOOO

come on Si Lili, be friends! ❤

Crown Prince showing up on orders, what do you call a momma's boy when it's his aunt? 🤔🤔

Second prince! The Forbidden Bromance is ON.

Everyone and their uncle having to get involved in this damn trial, including the emperor, just because OUR STRATEGIC GENIUS WITH A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY can't spare 1 hour to visit his future father in law and meet the infamous Wan'er. This was much more efficient.

No. no. I'm on strike and refuse to acknowledge that the forced romantic misunderstanding is happening. I'm at peace now. Ommmmmmmmmmmm

[medichamcham]

this is going to sound balls to the wall insane but i thought of gio and rose getting married (as the usual joke) and i ended up with the concept of a multicultural wedding!!! and i absolutely ADORE it... itd be so sweet to meld a traditional japanese + indian wedding together!! (would a shinto + hindu fusion wedding be more accurate??) if we're gonna talk ceremonies and rituals and food i will be talking for the next several centuries so ill try to keep it with the wardrobe aspect of things.

on giovanni's side, he would look sooooo gorgeous in a formal kimono!! specifically a kuro montsuki haori hakama made of super fancy silk... <3 <3

this is the most standard wedding kimono i've been seeing, its variations being nearly identical apart from colours/patterns. i think the classic, timeless feel suits giovanni perfectly!!

on top of that, i bet its super comfy to wear ;O; the loose, flowy material would give giovanni such a graceful, elegant look...

personally, i'd love to see a bolder iteration of the formal kimono to make it more memorable. i've been super inspired by this modern take !!

that pop of red on the haori and the pom pom would make for an unique but faithful nod to the original,,, i adore the detailed pattern of the hakama and the way it blends into the rest of the kimono...

and for rose he would look super SUPER pretty in a sherwani !! as opposed to giovanni's classy style of wear, i think rose loves to get out of his way to really stand out!!

perhaps he'd like to go for something uniform, but the fabric is super detailed with floral/abstract patterns, though not to the point where its too overwhelming. plus, i think the shawl that commonly goes with a sherwani is ESSENTIAL for rose's wedding look!!

this sherwani has the perfect harmony with gio's montsuki haori hakama, imo ... <3 <3 <3 perhaps rose's sherwani is made of silk or velvet?

a second choice that would work for him is an indo western dress!! since he's british indian i think he'd be inclined to wear something that is influenced by a typical european wedding suit hahaha. but i think it would still have that beautiful flair of the traditional sherwani as mentioned before!

definitely something i'd love to see him wearing <3 <3 he looks stunning in burgundy, and again, it meshes wonderfully with giovanni's kimono...

anyway yeah i really did waste an hour of my life researching and coming up with ideas. i cant believe this. LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[cwcthzl]

i am assigned you homework to watch when harry met sally

deb

okay so when i saw this i decided i was gonna watch it and keep a record of all of my thoughts during the film and share it with you, so here you go (it's a lot, i warn you)

i can't believe i have harry's exact haircut oh my fucking god

GET THIS MAN'S BAKERY OUT OF MY FACE

why does he casually have grapes w him

god how i envied those cheerful ppl who dotted their 'i's with little hearts

"look, when the shit comes down, i'm gonna be prepared and you're not. that's all i'm saying." / "in the meantime you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it."

sally's hair flow is actually gorgeous no wonder why she puts that much hairspray on

their fits are so 🤩🤩

i like how everytime sally declines to say more when harry asks, harry goes with 'fine, don't tell me' and moves on with whatever is in front of him instead of giving sally the reaction she very much expects (aka pleading for more info) and sally just gives in because she WANTS to share even tho she says she doesn't/can't

TF IS THAT ORDER. WHEN DID ORDERING PIE BECOME THIS COMPLICATED

sheldon the wonder schlong😭😭💀

"but if you MUST know" gurl just spit it out

"they don't make sunday." / "why not?" / because of god." IM WHEEZING

he is so sassy with the 'so?'s oh my god

he is so me

i like the song choice here because i think it really reflects sally and harry's interaction perfectly. "you say ee-ther, i say either." / "you like potato, and i like pot-ahto."

why does he have a baseball bat

why do blonde men look bald

"i never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice" SALLY YOU COOKED HIM GIRL

"it's amazing. you look like a normal person but actually you are the angel of death."

i LOVE harry's mindset he is so me i'm gonna kill myself this guy is an ass

HOW MANY TIMES DID THIS MF MARRY

i was waiting for harry to get divorced tbh he had that divorced dad kinda vibe to him im glad he aced his journey ❤️

standing up to join the wave after telling your friend your wife told you she doesn't know if she's ever loved you is INSANE

"oh really? well that symptom is fucking my wife." funniest line delivery in history

marie i love you bby we're gonna get through this together even tho you're dumb asf

why is this bitch pulling a joe goldberg rn

it's the way sally is taller than harry for me

this couple pissed me off so much GOD STOP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER FOR A FUCKING SEC

YESSSS DIVORCED BITCH APARTMENT THAT HAS NO SURROUNDINGS OTHER THAN A COUCH YESSSS

is harry reading stephen king or are my eyes deceiving me

it's that ugly ass back cover that got my attention. i thrifted doctor sleep and only realized stephen king was on the back cover when mom pointed it out by saying that guy probably looked at his own face for horrors. not cool mum

"i miss the idea of him."

THEY ARE SO ON THE OTHER SIDES OF THE COIN I CANT

he is so weird why does he remember all the things she ordered with such hyperspecific steps. why is he like that. why is he me

"big jerk." / "little creep." LMAOOOOOOOOOO

UGH WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS. DANCINGCHEEK TO CHEEK??????? OH MY GODDDDDD

SUCH A SWEET NEW YEARS KISS 😭😭😭

marie i'm gonna kick your ass

MARIE AND JESS??????? THEY ARE SO CUTE

their fight 😭😭😭 their hug😭😭😭😭 i hate this bitches😭😭😭

NOW THEY HAVE BEEF WITH EACH OTEHR'S PARTNERS????? LMAO

"he is a good guy, you should talk to him!" / "he is too tall to talk to." what if i did a flip

he is still reading the end of the books first

he is so soft and gentle with her i'm gonna cry. not a single jab, a single sarcastic comment. just attentively listening and comforting - reassuring her and petting her hair as sally ugly cries . oh my god they are so 😭😭

sally is so pretty even when she cries tf

laughing to crying pipeline is so real sally i get you bby

i love their little kissies it's so insanely pure to me. like a kiss you would get when you are in elementary when you thought this was the ultimate form of love. so innocent and for what

okay well now this is not very just a peck

okay this is escalating

OKAY THIS QUICKLY ESCALATED

why is harry looking at the ceiling like its the ceiling's fault like damn 😭😭

i love sally's curls so much

why every way they approach this it gets even weirder like i am thinking if they fuck all of this would be resolved and they did and it sucked and now i am thinking they should just go back to being friends and they are doing it but it never seems fucking right???????

what are those skinny ass leggings are they fruitcakes

THE SLAP

HE SINGS TO HER OVER THE FUCKING PHONE FOR HER TO PICK UP😭😭😭🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

this tall bitch again

no this is another bitch

bro he is so me what the fuck i'm gonna kill myself

FRANK SINATRA???? WDYM IT HAD TO BE YOU?????

"how about you love me too?"

THE DETAILS????? IM DEYING

"i came here because when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with somebody you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

"you say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you!" 10 things i hate about you reference? perchance?

SMILING INTO THE KISSSSSSS IM DECEASING

yeah def have chocolate sauce on the side

but after all, i really enjoyed this film. like, throughly. i would be fine even if they didn't end up together because their friendship was just that good and reminded me of me and a friend of mine, and it really touched some subjects i really liked. also i added another mf to my kinlist, so thanks????? ig????? they are very cute and i Loved this film debs you are a saint

[merrhea39]

binging everything judgment day pt3

Raw 6/6/22 Cody’s tits exploded. Man Finn had to join Judgment Day in that shithole town called green bay that sucks. When Finn says “finally i see clearly” it sounds like shit directly from an irish glasses ad. 

Bliss vs Doudrop vs Morgan vs Ripley. Rhea Ripley fucks up her face. Brace face Rhea incoming. Brace face riptides Niven to win and fight Belair at MITB (which never happens because of her teeth and a brain injury. She doesn’t have another match until october of 22) 

Raw 6/13/22 kevin patrick interviews bianca and rhea interrupts. A nice segment with Judgment Day, also Rhea roasts kansas lmao. Hi braceface hehe. Masochist Rhea? And I love it when she talks all calmly like a cultist it’s hot. That’s all judgment day does on this show as the main event is *checks notes* a pose-down between austin theory and bobby lashley? WTF? WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Main event 6/20/22 mysterios(w) vs judgment day. MY BIRTHDAY!! Wow judment day has come a long way. Rey mysterio being on the main event is fucking wild. Damian and Finn DO NOT have an entrance down yet lol. DOM IS SO TINY. Damian finally gets his new pants. Why the fuck does the main event have ad breaks? Finn and Damian just beat the shit out of Dom. Aja looking cunty af. Its called a dq even tho this shit happens in every match. Where Mami? I’m more confused at the end than anything. 

Raw 6/20/22 Bianca announces rhea is not medically cleared to fight her at MITB and thats all folks.

Raw 6/27/22 i accidentally thought there was nothing judgment day here but i was wrong priest balor and the mysterious have a backstage confrontation. THE IDEA HAS BEEN PLANTED REY IS A BAD FATHER LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Raw 7/4/22 mysterios(w) vs judgment day. July 4th I sure hope don’t I don’t see a ton of america propaganda. Pre-match promo from rey and dom. SUPRISE ATTACK. Damian and Finn ‘pearl harbor’ dom and rey before the match. It was a raw match, nothing special but Rey does an eddie and gets the win via dq.

Damian and Finn beat up rey and dom dom after the match I bet this won’t last for nearly 3 months.

7/11/22 Rey vs. Finn(w). suit daddy Damian is back we are so up. Finn saying “you’re a bad father” with his accent is so fucking funny “YOU’RE A BAD FODDER!” lmao. Rey took a nasty fuckin bump in this match holy shit. Finn wins and they try to manipulate Dom again.

7/18/22 Damian(w) vs. Rey. match starts during a commercial break wtf is that. mysterios wearing my high school colors lol. Damian wins fairly clean and Rey takes the razors edge nasty as fuck god damn. Dom gets bitched around by Damian and Finn… dirty thoughts are all I know.

Damian and Finn say Dom failed ‘the test’ and that he should’ve used a chair to hit his dad.

Ok so I was skipping to Dom and Rey’s reaction to what Damian and Finn said and byron was talking to corey about when he beat him for the 24/7 title and Corey said “that’s why I drink.” LMAO I WOULD TOO. Anywho the Mysterios cut a pretty basic promo. 

Raw 7/25/22 mysterio start out with a promo on the 20 years that he’s had in wwe.

Mysterios(w) vs. Judgment day. WILL YOU STOP STARTING MATCHES IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK WTF VINCE. Balor hit the nastiest clothesline of all time on Rey lmao. Mysterios win but not really cleanly.

Mysterios celebrate… but who gives a fuck because PAPI RHEA IS IN THIS BITCH! And ofc she’s beating up Dom. Finn with the line of all time “IT’S NOT YOUR ANNIVERSARY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!”. Rey gets tabled… (come tooesday).

SummerSlam 7/30/22 Mysterios(w) vs. Judgment Day. (Rey’s personal sponsors are why this match happened.) PAPI! Rey with the fucking beer mask lmaoooooooooo. Some people started a ‘we want tables’ chant to which the rest of the stadium responded with a ‘shut the fuck up’ chant. RHEA HURTS DOM AGAIN (rhea hurting dom counter: 2) Edge did not need all of that for a comeback. And the Mysterios still without a clean win over judgment day.

[trashlie]

"we're friends." "No."

I DON'T????UNDERSTAND THIS LINE?????😭😭

being friendss?? and lovers??? you can have both at the same time???? i get why shinae is confused as hell cuz thats just ONE VAGUE LINE MR NOLIAN OLIVER LOCKLAIN

if i havent seen the most indirect direct confession ever...............

The ABSOLUTE MOST indirect confession, right? LMAO I've never gotten over it like SIR!!!!!!! You're saying it every which way but words! (But to be fair, Shinae has been doing the same damn thing, literally performed a love soliloquy for him while he was hiding from her in front of Minhyuk lmaoooooooooo)

I think the thing about the line is that Shinae is lying to herself - or, I guess it's not so much lying because she isn't very consciously aware of her feelings but! Nol is very conscious of his own so when Shinae states "We're all friends" what she's saying is "there is nothing besides friendship here". It's not that you can either love OR friendship. It's that she's incorrect, that it's not just friendship.

He isn't coming right out to say "No, there is more than just friendship" because he's leaving that up to her. But he also isn't going to let her get away thinking that it is nothing, that there is nothing besides friendship.

Whether or not he intends to act on feelings doesn't even matter in this moment, because the issue is that: Dieter is hurt and it's because of what he saw between them that Shinae isn't seeing.

But also YES lmao she just. She can't see it right now because she keeps looking at it only as friends, because what else could there possibly be? lmao the idea of having feelings, of romance existing between them, is currently SO FAR from her mind despite the fact that she's been fighting him tooth and claw to stop pushing her away lmao. The fact that she got so hurt when he refused to take off the blindfold, because he wasn't reveling in this very special moment with her lmaoooooo

There's only so much Nol can really say without outright confessing to her, and I think he knows that he needs HER to come to this conclusion. Again, if for nothing else but Dieter's sake, so that she can understand WHY he's so hurt - and also to understand what Nol is unable to yet say AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH but yes lmao we can't really fault her for being confused, either. She keeps comparing Nol to her other friends unable to understand what makes him different. Minhyuk is the most important person to her, her best friend, but we all know Minhyuk doesn't make her feel the things Nol does. But Minhyuk also turned in all his homework early, took his exams early, and came back early because he knew she was going THROUGH it, so how can she begin to grasp the difference in their friendship and what she feels for Nol? How is her fighting Nol not to throw away their friendship any different from Minhyuk flying home early?

But also MAN.

If his vague indirect confessions are getting to everyone, CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE FOR HIM TO SAY IT FOR REAL? WITH THE ACTUAL WORDS?!

[SCREAMS]

I CAN'T I SHAN'T AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[sharksa-shivers]

TW: Blood, Max being a little unhinged feral gremlin

(Context shit ig is that The Trio derps all got captured by shadowdemons or some shit anddddd yeah…So our scene's basically Max in a cell of some sort, restrained and he overhears some fuckin shadowdemon convo.)

Guard 1:(amused)I thought the girl one wasn't ever gonna shut up…You think any of em can get out if they have no weapons or anything? Cuz these kids are apparently pretty crafty according to Queen Meforia…

Guard 2:(Nonchalant)I doubt it…Cept maybe the shark one…And i feel like if he gets out, he'll probably try and eat some of us…Sharks and shit, yknow…As long as he doesn't get you entirely, you'd probably be fine…

Guard 1:(thinking)………You really think he could do that??? Like rip somebody apart and eat em??

Max:(tired, looks ragid as fuck and pissed as shit, not happy in any regard)…….He fucking won't actually dumbfuck but i promise you…If i get out…I WILL…I will fucking rip you to shreds and eat whatever the fuck i can get since you bastards have been fucking with us for days now…Haven't had a good amount of food in a bit so i fucking will…Without hesitation…

(Both guards look at the disshelved dog teenager and laugh before talking and walking off…We see Max death glaring…) ------------------------- (Cut to a bit later, Max does find a way out cuz clever little shit and he keeps his word, mauling like the first shadowdemon he sees…Max actually rips them apart enough to where the shadowdemon is tempdead…Max's face is coated in blood and he stands up tiredly as he comes back more to himself)

Max:(to himself)…………Tasted like fucking shit…But least you died in fucking agony…Got at least a couple scraplings of something…Fuckers…(His ears twitch, he hears a shrill voice, probably Kristy, becomes more mission orriented)……..Right, right, goddamnit, gotta get em, gotta find em!!! (darts off to help his comrades) ---------------------

(So this is whenever Max manages to find Kristy…My guess is the shrill voice was Kristy in pain or something so my guess is a guard was not treating her very nicely…Max is more himself at this point thanks to the few bites he got so he just cracks this shadowdemons neck or something, kills them quicker or whatever…Max grabs the keys off their pocket and starts unlocking Kristy's cell and Kristy sees Max bloodcoated face)

Kristy:(Terrified by that)MAX, WHAT THE HELL IS ON YOUR FACE???? IS THAT BLOOD???? WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?????

Max:(distracted, opens the cell, looks up at her)Huh? (realizes, wipes some off his face)Oh thisssssss…Ah, ok, that…Uh, was more uhhhhh what i did to them…

Kristy:(taking that in, very confused but scared all the same)…What…Did you do to them?

Max:(smirks, blood on his teeth)Mighta had a little snack…Not alot though…Shadowdemon i snagged tasted like shit…But also wasn't alot there honestly…Inner wolf came out, eh, what can i say?

Kristy:(terrified still, takes that in)………………………………….Jesus christ Max…

Max:(amused, wiping his mouth some more)Yeahhhhhh, and they always think Sharky's the dangerous one out of us…It's a fuckin laugh riot honestly…Anything bad Sharky could do would be pure mercy compared to anything i'd do…So uhhhh yknow…ANYWAY, speaking of Sharky, we should probably find him!!! Any clue where they're keeping his fishy ass or???

Kristy:(moreso used to Max being an unhinged little shit and not seeing what she could even do about that, she nods, refocusing herself)I think so!!! I think i heard him yelling a bit ago!!! Cmon!!!! (runs out of the cell with Max by his arm and they both start running)

-------------------------------------- Once again, Max ain't the one to fuck with...This dogboi unhinged as shit, he got some shit actually wrong with him fdjkhfdhsjfsdhjsfdhjfdhjfd little feral ass gremlin child, i adore him lol...and again, the Campsite is LUCKY AS FUCK Max is on their side lmaoooooooooo

Max legit the thing people fear Sharky is, like...goddamn lol A reminder too, shadowdemons reform lol, only way to kill em entirely is with fire so Max mauling one? Yeah, not a permakill, only a tempkill lol

[just-a-carrot]

Weird question, but how come in OFW, Hunar didn't say anything when Orlam asked Bucks about... you know what. I'd imagine he'd react a bit more if one of his friends was making advances on his wife? Again sorry for how weird this question is JSIDHDJDHDJD I'm just curious. xD

LMAOOOOOOOOOO

i think it's mostly a combination of everyone just being used to orlam and hunar not being in the actual game-game (with a touch of "i just didn't feel like writing something more in there as it was just a silly joke" added on top FDKAJDLFAKD)

[cosmicjoke]

I'm soooooooo glad you're losing followers. Finally people are seeing through your facade as self proclaimed know it all who thinks she can keep getting away with your racist and homophobic takes because you string together big words😂✨✨ Also you're nearing fourty and you're this dumb and entitled lmaoooooooooo

Had to pull out that dictionary to figure out what I was talking about, huh, sweetcheeks? It's okay, it's not your fault you're like this. Our education system's in the shitter, and now so are you. And why, exactly, does it make you 'sooooooo glad' that I've lost followers? Do you get off on other people's misfortune? That makes you a sociopath. Congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming a serial killer. Next you'll be fucking corpses. Of course, your heard brain mentality makes you incapable of thinking for yourself. You're one of those people, aren't you? The ones who hear someone else say something and just automatically assume it's true without it ever entering your sputtering brain that maybe you should look into it yourself before forming an opinion. Yeah, of course you are. Like they say, a lemming, which watches its equally brain dead brethren hurl themselves mindlessly over the cliff, and you happily follow suit, wondering, as you plummet to your ignominious death, what you did wrong, never knowing because thoughts more complex than the need to eat, shit and sleep never enter your hollowed out skull.

Also, I gained as many followers as I lost, soooo... All even's out in the end, baby. Weed out the fucktards and gain a bigger and brighter audience.

Also, also, how old are you? 12? I might forgive your inability to comprehend anything over a 5th grade reading level if you're only 12. But any older, and it doesn't bode well for your future. Have fun with finding out just how fast 40 comes up on you. You'll wonder what happened to all that time you thought you had, and you'll realize, (maybe, with an IQ like yours, nothing is guaranteed) you've done nothing with your life but stalk strangers on the internet, jerking off to the hate messages you send because no one in real life would want to touch that with a ten foot pole.

Have a great day, shitbird.