#there's like. a large part of me sticking up for myself internally that wants to hiss and fight shdjfhgjg

[sapsolais]

.

[cloudyyoimiya]

Forced Photography; Nikolai Gogol

Format: Oneshot

Possible warnings: Yandere content, dark themes, unhealthy relationships, violence, manipulation

Click!

The sound of a professional camera pierced through the normally quiet atmosphere. For some reason unknown to you, today was special to Nikolai. The clown never voiced why it was special to him, but he seemed adamant on staying with you the entire day.

Click!

The camera shuttered once more, leaving a slightly bitter taste in your mouth. You always hated it when Nikolai took pictures of you. It made you feel antsy, twitchy, discombobulated… many negative emotions.

Click!

You were currently dressed up in a rather fancy outfit. You would have never worn something so… expensive in your old life, but because of your captor constantly stealing from high class stores, your wardrobe only consisted of classy clothing.

Part of you thought it was a nice gesture, but the other part of you argued that it was disgusting that he’d just so casually commit a crime for your sake. Your internal debate was surly going to drive you mad sooner or later.

Click!

You forced yet another smile as you sat still on the bed you were situated on. You didn’t dare more in fear of angering your captor.

Click!

“Oh! This one has to be my new favorite!” Your captor exclaimed to you as he looked at the camera screen. “You look stunning, dove!”

You remained silent as Nikolai fawned over your appearance in the photograph. One of the many lessons you learned while staying with Nikolai was to remain quiet when he was gushing about how much he loved you.

If you ever told him to stop or told him that you found it weird, then you would be punished. You unfortunately found this out the hard way.

“Ah, can’t I just take one more? Please? Pretty please with sprinkles on top?” Nikolai asked, giving you puppy dog eyes.

You looked at him and gave him a fake smile. “Yes, of course. Take as many as you want!”

Your words made your captor smile rather largely. You could see majority of his teeth, his canines sticking out to you the most. They were sharp and on the bigger side, but they were nowhere near the size of a certain vampire’s you know.

…Click!

The shudder of the camera sounded once more. Nikolai looked at the picture of you on the screen with the same sickening smile on his face.

“Ah, you look so lovely, my little birdie! I wish you could look like this forever and ever!” Your captor exclaimed in a slightly chilling tone, insinuating something sinister.

Was he going to kill you?

No, no. Nikolai has stated that he could never bring himself to kill you.

He said that the feeling of guilt would be far worse than the feeling of love.

…But could he have lied to you?

You weren’t sure.

You doubted that you would ever be sure.

“You already have me, so you might as well doll me up as much as you want. I’ll stay lovely, just for you, Kolya,” you spoke with a sickeningly sweet tone of voice.

Nikolai suddenly wrapped both of his arms around you and nuzzled his face into your neck. He then started to giggle like a schoolgirl. It honestly disturbed you to think that despite everything he has done to you, he can still laugh. Maybe he’s not as sane as he says he is.

“Ah, thank you, thank you! You’re so sweet, my little birdie! I love you so much!” He said, continuing to giggle into your neck.

“I love you too,” you murmured.

Nikolai practically squealed at your response. “Really?! You love me back?!”

You nodded, forcing a fake smile onto your face. “Of course I do. You’ve done so much for me.”

“Ah, that makes me so happy!” He exclaimed. He then started to pepper your face in soft butterfly kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you! Oh, please never leave me! I would never forgive myself if I ever let you escape my grasp! My wonderful little birdie, never leave my side!”

“I would never leave you,” you spoke in an almost robotic tone.

Nikolai never did like it when you lied, but he did like it when you lied about your love for him. Maybe it was some sick way of him feeding into his delusions of you loving him back, or maybe it was because he thought he could condition you into loving him. Either way, it was still off putting.

Nikolai continued to giggle and press small kisses all over your face. “You’re so sweet! My sweet little dove, I cannot wait for the day the both of us become free! Nothing will stop our love from blossoming even further! Oh, I’m so excited!”

You stayed silent. It was best to let him bask in his own delusions.

Your captor kissed your cheek one last time, then pulled away. He looked at you with his same old large smile, and let out a small giggle.

And then he stopped.

He put a stern expression on his face.

It was chilling.

“Hmm… I think my birdie lied to me!”

You tensed up. “What? No, I would never lie to you…!”

“You lied again!” He sighed. “Haven’t I told you about how I absolutely loath lying? I can’t stand it!”

“I know you hate it. That’s why I don’t lie to you,” you spoke, trying to keep a level head.

“You’re lying yet again! I thought I taught you better than that, my beloved!”

You gulped. You knew what was coming now.

“I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me!” You started to plead. “Please forgive me!”

Nikolai sighed and put his hand into his overcoat. He then drew out a knife that he had placed across the room earlier.

“Hm… Do you deserve it?” He said as he pointed the knife to your face. “I don’t think you do. My little birdie has been trying to butter me up so I can lower my guard. Then you’d escape from me! We can’t have that, now can we?”

“That wasn’t my—“ you stopped yourself for a moment. If you lied again, it most likely wouldn’t have ended up pretty. “Yes. That was my intention. I’m sorry!”

Nikolai gave you a suspicious look. He then lowered the knife, putting it adjacent to his right thigh.

He suddenly smiled once more.

“You’re learning! Good!” He spoke as he threw the knife away to the other side of the room. It now rested by a nearby boarded up window. “I’m so proud of you!”

You stayed silent as your body shivered. You could feel your breath getting shallower and shallower, most likely from you starting to panic from his sudden mood swing.

Nikolai took note of this and continued to smile at you. You knew he was a clown and a terrorist, but you were starting to think he was bipolar as well. No normal person could suddenly change their mood so quickly.

“Oh, is my dove scared?” He asked you as he hugged you. You could feel his muscular arms squeezing your body. It made you feel sick. “Im so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you! Or maybe I did! Who knows…”

You stayed silent. Nikolai sighed as a result of that.

“No more lies, okay? I don’t like it when my dove lies to me. It makes me really sad!” He said, his voice lowering to a whisper. “Understand?”

“…I understand.”

“Good! Now, can I get back to taking your pictures?! They make me so happy!”

“Fine. Go ahead…”

Nikolai giggled yet again and grabbed his camera once more. He then put it into his overcoat and had it appear above of you.

Gold swirled around his wrists as he used his ability. It was very pretty, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to willingly compliment your captor. If he forced you to compliment him though, that would be a different story.

“Look up and smile!” He laughed.

You did just as you were told. You looked up into the camera’s lens and forced a weak smile onto your face. You current expression seemed to please Nikolai to some extent since he didn’t tell you to smile… “better.”

Click!

Nikolai brought the camera back out of his overcoat and looked into the screen of the camera. He made somewhat of a happy sound then looked back at you.

“This one has to be my new favorite! You’re so cute, my dear!”

this is unedited. apologies for any errors

[crispycreambacon]

Ending April with a small parting gift. I’m gonna miss this.

Anyways, an announcement of my own.

The short of it

I’m leaving the Watcher fandom. Don’t worry, I won’t be unfollowing anyone, but I will be ceasing the creation of art for Watcher and interaction with the community at large. Thank you all for this short but meaningful ride. Feel free to unfollow me if you were here for Watcher art, and for those who stick around…

Thank you :]

I hope to not disappoint with this new era of mine.

The long of it

It’s been a couple of days since a certain channel dropped an announcement that imploded its fandom. It was… a mess. A lot—and I mean a lot—of us didn’t handle the news well, and we made that known to everyone. The impact was so massive that YouTubers, who are nowhere near the niche that Watcher operates under, covered the situation, and some of them explained very well why the decision went over so poorly. Meanwhile some of them made fun of the situation, and some were just there for the clicks, but that’s the cycle of YouTube drama for you.

With the amount of ears waiting for even a peep out of their mouths, Watcher couldn’t ignore the backlash any longer and released an apology video three days after the announcement. By all accounts, it was a pretty good response. The reception was mixed, but it was definitely more well-received than their first video, and they actually listened to their fans who gave them valid criticism over the sudden shift to a streaming service.

However…

For as much as I appreciate their response, I still can’t find it in myself to continue following Watcher. I really mean it when I say this disaster soured any enjoyment I had for them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again for a long time without thinking about this situation or remembering the people they have hurt, even if unintentionally, through their poor execution of a business decision.

Do I believe they could’ve pulled off moving their content to a streaming service? Absolutely. However, so many factors doomed this decision and their announcement from the start from them believing that $5.99/month was “affordable to everyone” (seriously?) to them insisting that this was for the fans even though the fans have vocalized that they were never there for the high production value. They were there because the three guys who run Watcher were enjoyable!

I feel like if they had been honest about the fact that the TV quality they are aiming for was more for themselves than anyone–hell, it’s the mission statement in their About page, and, I don’t know, considered the idea that $6 is not cheap, especially for international fans, people wouldn’t have gotten so angry at them. Now, there are still numerous issues plaguing this business model, but to go through all of the arguments would require a separate post, and I’ve already expended too much energy on this situation. Needless to say, Watcher has burnt their bridges, and it will take a while before they can build them back up again, let alone get people to trust them enough to cross them.

On the other hand, I can’t blame Watcher fully for my departure. Despite my heavy disagreement with their initial decision, I understand why they thought this decision was a good idea in the first place as YouTube is a very unstable career path, and it would rather hurt its creators with its relentless demonetization, censorship and restrictive guidelines than give up just a tiny amount of its profit. Besides, they’re in control of their content, and they could do what they want with it even if their fans disagreed with them.

Speaking of the fans, my god. The situation revealed a side of the fandom that I never thought I would see, but in hindsight, I should have seen it coming. To see fans resort to anti-Asian racism and death threats so quickly was extremely heartbreaking, and as an Asian person, it made me feel very unsafe and unwelcome in the community.

Moreover, using Steven as a scapegoat to absolve Ryan and Shane of any wrongdoing was unfortunately a very common response. Yes, he is the CEO, and yes, his series being centered on traveling and eating expensive food really doesn’t paint him in a positive light, but need I remind you that RYAN AND SHANE ARE GROWN ADULTS. They’re the founders of Watcher, and they both have to agree to the initial plan for it to be implemented. You can’t assume that Steven was a boogeyman terrorizing your precious little boys just based on a 15-minute video. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.

All of this to say that the initial announcement combined with how the community reacted violently to the announcement really nipped my interest in Watcher in the bud. It was a shame too because I really did love Watcher, and I still do. Had it not been for the time I invested in following them, I wouldn’t have made great friends, regained the joy in creating art–even reviving a hobby/skill that I assumed was long dead, and had a reason to be able to laugh or smile even in terrible days. I truly am grateful for Watcher, and I do not regret ever getting into them at all. However, I think it’s time for me to go.

Thank you all for this weird and wonderful ride, but at some point, you’ll have to hop off. I just didn’t expect to hop off it so soon.

[musicalmoritz]

Ok ok so you said something in your Les Aoi analysis about trans Aoi (I’m gonna be honest I don’t remember which it was 😭😭) so I wanted to ask for an analysis on that! Especially because I don’t think I’ve really seen that before! Thanks :))

Alright! Let’s talk about transmasc Aoi. Just a heads up, I’m probably gonna alternate the pronouns based on whether I’m referring to canon or fanon Aoi. So if I’m talking about a canon situation with Aoi I’ll stick with she/her but if I’m referring to Aoi as in transmasc fanon Aoi, I’ll go with he/him. I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t get confusing lol

Transmasc Aoi exists for the same reasons lesbian Aoi exists. Aoi’s character centers around hiding her true self, which is a universal queer experience. Some fans relate her arc to lesbianism, but others relate it more to her gender identity. I am not trans myself and I have never been trans nor questioned my gender identity so I may not be the best person to explain this, so if any trans TBHK fans want to chime in here feel free to do so!! I will try my best to relay how Aoi’s character stands out to some trans readers (tho you obviously don’t have to be trans to headcanon a character as trans as long as you’re doing so respectfully, I have lots of trans headcanons)

Unlike the lesbian Aoi headcanon, I have no gripes with how this one is portrayed. I’ve seen AoiAoi, Aoinene, and TeruAoi shippers alike express love for this headcanon so it never feels like they’re trying to erase part of her arc or just keep her away from Akane. Which makes sense, unless they were writing Akane as straight, male Aoi wouldn’t hinder that relationship in any way. Furthermore, this headcanon feels more focused on Aoi as a charger rather than trying to shove her into an aesthetic (just to be clear I don’t dislike the lesbian Aoi headcanon, just the way it’s often portrayed). In fact I often see this hc paired with trans Akane/trans Nene/trans Teru. With a wide variety too, sometimes Akane is written to be transmasc as well and other times she’s portrayed as transfem. That’s one of my favorite parts of this headcanon, people get so creative with it

Aoi’s entire character centers around how her internal self doesn’t align with the external. The image she presents to the school is not her true self. I’m gonna pull out my favorite term here, Aoi’s identity makes her experience cognitive dissonance. Her actions don’t align with the way she thinks and believes. I know that’s a pretty simple concept but there is so much you can interpret from that premise. Imo there’s some pretty obvious personality disorder coding going on there but I’ll hold my tongue. Canon reasons aside, this theme stands out to a lot of trans readers.

Having to present yourself in a way that doesn’t align with who you are on the inside is a core part of the trans experience. This is supported even further by the fact that Aoi’s femininity is a large part of her act. The difference between her and Nene is that Aoi seems to be the perfect girl in every way, and Nene is far from that. Let me reiterate that, the image Aoi presents to society is one of the perfect girl. Most fans focus on the perfect part, but her femininity is also an act to an extent. To impress Nakahara (the bitch from chapter 1), Nene spent three years trying to act more feminine. She knew he liked traditionally feminine girls so she worked hard to fit that role. Part of that involved joining gardening club, the main hobby Aoi is known for. After three years of trying to fit a specific brand of femininity, Nene was still rejected for not meeting Nakahara’s standards. But the boys at school LOVE Aoi for traditionally feminine things. I’m not sure I could find the specific chapter but there’s one scene in the manga where they’re drooling over her for sweeping and marveling at how domestic she is. At first glance, Aoi appears to embody traditional femininity. But it’s all an act

She presents herself a certain way so that the school, including the boys, will love her. What’s interesting to me about the aforementioned scene is that Aoi is doing completely normal tasks and still being upheld as the pinnacle of femininity. She can’t escape the role others mole her into. She has to play into it too, in order to obscure her true self from the public eye. But when we see signs of the real Aoi, she’s not acting how a perfect girl should act. She’s reserved and quiet and nerdy and rude. This is different from the theme of femininity we see in Nene’s story, which is that femininity doesn’t have to be performed in restrictive ways. Aoi doesn’t have to find her true femininity, she has to find her true self. That’s where transmasc Aoi comes in

So how is transmasc Aoi depicted in fanon? The same as canon Aoi! That’s what I love most about this headcanon, you don’t have to change much about Aoi’s character in order to make it work. Trans Aoi is still his usual introverted and supportive self (it took me so long for find a nice adjective to describe Aoi lmao), the biggest difference I’ve noticed is that he’s usually portrayed as being the truest version of himself, which I think is beautiful. It works with canon too since these fics are typically written later in Aoi’s development when she’s begun to take steps towards embracing her real self. Trans Aoi is depicted as being a natural step in that direction. Sometimes he’s written to stay closeted for a while in order to keep up appearances, but he still gets to come out to his close friends/partners

To me this headcanon is filled with appreciation for Aoi’s character. It’s not my personal main headcanon for her (despite all I’ve said I am a lesbian Aoi lover, tho more of a bi Aoi lover for canon), but I have mad respect for everyone who chooses this as their version of Aoi. If anyone wants a really good fic for this headcanon I recommend livvidaloca’s “i could be your regular belle” on ao3. It’s Terukaneaoi and actually more transfem Akane than transmasc Aoi but it’s super good and honestly I just wanted to recommend a livvidaloca fic

I hope this helped you understand the headcanon better, thank you for the ask!!

[lavenderdreams22]

A Court of Dawn & Dusk - Azriel x Reader (part 6)

Summary: Azriel and Y/N get paired together on a mission and reconcile their differences.

A/N: part 6 is finally here! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and sending me sweet messages and leaving comments. I appreciate it more than you know ❤️

Warnings: cursing, suggesting themes and language, mentions of violence.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

*****

I paced around the living room of my small apartment, my heartbeat still in my ears, though it had calmed its frantic beating.

I hadn’t spent more than a few moments alone with Azriel since the incident other than when we had danced in the Court of Nightmares, and I wasn’t entirely sure that I was ready to.

It wasn’t that I was upset or angry with him anymore. In fact, I had really only been upset for a few days, and then the loneliness of not having him near seemed to seep in, clouding every other sense. I was so used to him being there, sticking close to me, that it felt like being dunked into a tub of ice cold water when the warmth of him was gone.

He, on the other hand, had every reason to be upset or angry with me. I knew that, had known that from the moment that I had kissed him and he had pushed me away. But his actions at the party… the words he had said… he didn’t seem to be angry at me at all. He seemed to be… torn on how to feel and almost angry at himself.

Gods, I just… I wasn’t sure how to be around him anymore. Especially not when all I wanted was to curl up next to him and kiss and hold him, and all he wanted was to be… friends.

The word felt heavy and complicated.

It hadn’t even been an entire day, and it seemed that I was right back where I started… in the palm of his beautiful hands.

The thought steeled my will as I continued to pace, surely wearing a path in the already worn down wooden floors beneath my feet. I couldn’t be a love sick female when I was meant to be focusing on the task at hand.

A knock sounded through my apartment and I froze, staring at the door as if I could make him disappear by glaring at the slab of wood that separated us.

“C’mon, Y/N.” Azriel said, his voice muffled. “We need to get moving.”

I held my breath, willing my body to move, but, no matter how much I cursed at my feet, I was rooted to the spot.

“I know you’re in there. I can hear your heartbeat.” He said, knocking again.

My heartbeat?!

I crossed the room in four large strides, throwing the door open. All heartbeats sounded the same, there was no way to know that he knew exactly what mine sounded like… Right?

Azriel had his hand raised as if he were going to knock again, and the memory of the first night we had stayed in the same bed filled my mind. By the way his eyes widened and his lips parted, I could only assume he was remembering the same thing.

“Let’s go.” He said after a few moments of us staring at each other, offering me the same hand he had raised.

I shook my head and pushed past him, refusing to meet his eyes, and shut the door behind me.

“Are you going to give me the silent treatment the entire trip?” He asked, and though he sounded as if he were joking, I could hear the tension bubbling just underneath.

He was nervous. He hadn’t the slightest clue how to handle this situation that the two of us had found ourselves in, either. The fact that he was just as confused as I was seemed to untangle my tongue.

“No, I just don’t have much to say right now.” I shrugged, finally rounding on him and meeting his eyes. “You seem to be doing enough talking for the both of us, Shadowsinger.”

I internally cringed at myself as he flinched at my words. I wasn’t sure why I was feeling so confrontational and aggressive.

“I didn’t realize my talking to you would bother you so much.” He raised his eyebrows, attempting to force a small smile to his lips.

His perfect, stupid lips.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest, fighting the blush that was creeping its way onto my cheeks. “Are we going or not?”

“C’mere, then.” His smile widened, this time genuine, as he held out his arms. “Wouldn’t want to keep you waiting.”

I stepped closer and he lifted me off of my feet. I gasped a bit at the sudden movement, pulling a chuckle from him as he unfurled his wings and shot into the sky.

*****

My father met us on our usual Veranda, his smile so wide I thought it may split his face in two.

“Your timing could not have been better.” He grinned, holding me at arms length. “The Festival is tonight.”

I let out a gasp, followed by an excited squeal, as I surged forward and hugged him. He chuckled, smoothing my hair down.

I wasn’t sure how I had forgotten about the festival. I hadn’t given it a second thought. This time of year had always been my favorite specifically because of this event.

I supposed I had been distracted.

“Festival?” Azriel, the very reason for that distraction, asked from behind me.

My father offered him a smile that quickly faded as my own smile dropped and I turned to face Azriel fully, the reality of our current situation felt like a smack to the face. We had come back just in time, but would we have any time to spare?

“The Festival of the Rising Sun.” My father said, eyeing me closely. “It’s her favorite. Drinking, dancing, more food than anyone could ever eat.”

“We have a job to do, so we can’t-”

“We have time.” Azriel cut me off, his eyes burning as he stared at me.

I searched the depths of those eyes, looking for anything that could explain the look he was giving me. Rhys had seemed in a hurry to get information, but if Azriel said we had time to spare…

“Really?” I couldn’t keep the hope out of my voice or my eyes.

He only nodded in response and I grinned at him then. If I hadn’t known any better, I would have sworn I saw a blush creep across his cheeks.

*****

Azriel watched her, as he had any chance he was given since she had started coming around the townhouse again.

There hadn’t been many of instances, and they mostly consisted of a quick visit to grab things or to turn in whatever she was working on for Rhysand. Sometimes he found himself seeking out her reports to just stare at her flowery scrawl. Anything to feel closer to her.

She had been avoiding being in the same room as him for too long, following Cassian and Mor around so she was never alone with him. Her cold shoulder had been almost too much to handle, and he had stopped himself from cornering her just to get her to look at him, talk to him more than just a few words at a time.

Agreeing to stay for the festival had been his sad attempt at getting back in her good graces, and, much to his disbelief, it seemed to be working.

She stuck the tip of her tongue out as she weaved a flower through the handle of the wicker basket in her lap, and he felt his pulse quicken as he watched her wet her lips with it before it disappeared back into her mouth. She had propped her feet in his lap, leaning against the arm of the couch so that she was facing him completely.

“How many of those do you have left to make?” He asked, propping his own feet up on the coffee table, holding her legs in place so that she wouldn’t get any ideas about withdrawing her touch.

Normally servants did this kind of work. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Rhys put together a basket for a festival. Thesan seemed to be just as involved, currently down in the field putting together various decorations and tents.

“Twenty more after this one.” She glanced up at him through her lashes. “If you helped, it would take only a fraction of the time.”

“I’m not sure how to…” He gestured to her with a vague wave of his hand.

“You’ve been watching me for over an hour.” She rolled her eyes playfully. “Try, and if you get stuck, I’ll help you.”

He gulped, an action that was difficult to hide, before grabbing a basket and a bunch of flowers from the table in front of him.

She had known he was staring, and she hadn’t said a word.

He pulled one of the flowers from the bunch, and began to weave the stem through the wicker.

“See?” She smirked at him, her stare burning into the side of his face. “I knew you could do it.”

Even though his heart fluttered at her encouragement, he was half tempted to fuck it up so she would lean over and crowd into his space.

“Why did you do it?” She asked after a few moments of comfortable silence, the smirk fading from her beautiful face and her voice softening.

“Do what?”

“Why did you let us stay for the festival?”

He paused, his hands stilling. “It means a lot to you, does it not?”

She nodded.

“Then… There’s your answer.”

“Why postpone the mission because something means a lot to me?” Her eyes were burning a hole in his cheek.

He only shrugged, not quite brave enough to tell her that he would do anything if only to see her grin at him the way she had when he told her they could stay.

*****

He was being… sweet. And it wasn’t that he usually wasn’t sweet, but something felt different about it. He was helpful, willing to go out of his way for complete strangers as we set up the festival.

He laughed with people, smiled at children, helped the females carry heavy things from one place to the other. If anyone needed help, he seemed to be right there, ready and willing.

“What’s going on between the two of you?” My father asked, snapping me out of my daze.

“What do you mean?”

“I could sense a chill earlier.” He pulled a rope for one of the tents down, securing it to a metal hook in the ground. “And now you’re standing here longingly staring at him. Did you have a lovers quarrel?”

“Something like that.” I shrugged, hanging one of the baskets up.

All of the baskets that Azriel and I had made had been filled with various offerings to the Gods, and were hung amongst the tents for the vendors that would be setting up later.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I glanced again at Azriel as he lugged a heavy tote, following behind a heavily pregnant female and a small child. The boy kept looking over his shoulder at Azriel before hiding his face in the skirts of his mothers dress.

“Desperately.” I said, “but I don’t even know where to start.”

“The beginning is usually a good place.” I shot him a glare and he chuckled. “Just start with what caused the argument.”

I paused, choosing my words carefully.

“I kissed him.” I said, turning back to the basket.

“And?”

“He didn’t want to be kissed.”

My father hummed, seemingly weighing the words that had left my mouth. “Did you apologize?”

I nodded, a sigh escaping my lips. “He told me there was nothing to apologize for, but I… there’s still this tension between us.”

“And you’re certain he didn’t want to be kissed?”

“He ran away after telling me never to kiss him again, so yeah… I’m pretty certain.” I sighed.

“Interesting.” He mused.

“What?” I turned to face him fully, then.

“You don’t see it, but the way he looks at you...” My father shrugged. “He definitely looks the part of a male that wants to be kissed.”

“How would you know?”

My father shot me a look before pointedly looking at his partner across the way, who was now laughing with Azriel and the female. Her son was now peeking around her body at the Shadowsinger in wonder.

My father's eyes softened and I shook my head, a fond smile pulling at my lips.

“Look,” he started, pulling his gaze away from his beloved to meet my eyes once more. “You and Azriel, there’s something special between the two of you. You’re going to have to decide if he’s worth waiting for… if he’s worth fighting for.”

“You know we aren’t a couple, right?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Could’ve fooled me.” He grinned at me. “He certainly protects you like a lover.”

I nodded, letting my gaze drift over to Azriel again. His shadows had come out as he kneeled down and spoke to the boy. The child reached up, trying to grab at them, and Azriel grinned, his expression holding just a little surprise at the fact that the child was so interested in him.

“You deserve to be happy, darling,” my father said, patting my shoulder. “If he makes you happy, then I think it’s worth the effort. I think it’s pretty clear that he’s crazy about you, too.”

“Thanks, dad.” I smiled at him, feeling a bit of a weight slide off of my shoulders.

He kissed the top of my head before excusing himself to whatever task he had next. It always amazed me how involved he was in the preparations for these types of events, but that was my father for you. Reliable and humble and absolutely amazing.

*****

Azriel had never been a talkative male, but there were very few times he was rendered completely speechless.

As she descended the steps, though, her golden gown with accents of pinks and reds and oranges hugging every curve that he was sure he would sell his immortal soul to be able to run his hands over, Azriel could feel the words slipping away from him.

She reached the bottom of the stairs, grinning at him as she eyed his tunic of gold with red stitching.

“You look…” He started. He knew his mouth was hanging open like a fool, but he couldn’t form a sentence to articulate just how amazing she looked.

She giggled, the sound dancing across his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “And you look very handsome, Azriel.”

He glanced down at himself, at the tunic he had been pulling on since he had changed into it. He hated it, if he was honest. It was very different from his usual black tunic or his leathers, and he never would have put it on in the first place if she hadn’t handed it to him herself.

“It really brings out your eyes.” She stated, running a hand across his chest to smooth the fabric.

“Yeah?” He asked, looking up at her.

She grinned at him and nodded before she made her to the doors that opened to the awaiting festival. Maybe the tunic wasn’t so bad… he supposed that he could get used to wearing gold.

He grabbed her hand, careful to be as gentle as possible, spinning her to face him. “You look beautiful.”

Her eyes softened as she gazed at him. Beautiful didn’t even begin to cover it, but it would do until he could invent a new word to describe her.

*****

Something had shifted with Azriel. He hadn’t left my side since the festival had started, our arms linked together as we strolled from tent to tent to look at all the vendors had to offer. The night sky was barely visible through the stings of lights overhead, but still he found a quiet, dark place to have our drinks.

“Is it everything you had hoped it would be?” He asked, nudging me with his elbow.

“More.” I grinned. “Thank you for letting us stay.”

He nodded, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips before he lifted his glass.

“So…” I began, watching him closely for a moment before turning my gaze back to the expanse of stars above us. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“I am.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to do?” I gestured to the rows of games.

“Whatever you want to do.” He shrugged. “This night is for you, after all.”

Whether it be the alcohol, or just the fact that he was being so sweet to me, I suddenly felt brave. With a hum, I scooted closer to his side. His arm reached out, resting on my hip and pulling me closer to him. I rested my head on his shoulder, letting out a shaky breath.

This was the most the two of us had touched or talked since the Court of Nightmares, other than flying, and I could feel my pulse pick up.

He chuckled a bit.

“What is it?” I asked.

“It’s just that…. Well, you and I…” he shook his head. “I’m glad to be able to hold you again.”

I felt the heat crawl up my chest and face.

“I just mean,” he paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. “I’ve missed being close to you.”

“I’ve missed it, too.” I smiled, snuggling closer.

*****

Alana’s lilting laugh floated to me over the sounds of the festival that was now in full swing. She had her head thrown back, her hand resting on Azriel’s bicep. He made no move to push her away, and the sight made me want to rip her arm from her body.

I had never been a terribly jealous or territorial person in the past. Something about Azriel made me that way.

I rolled my shoulders, holding my head up high, and stepped forward just as Ian seemed to materialize and stepped out from the crowd and blocked my path.

I wasn’t sure where he had come from. I certainly hadn’t picked him out of the crowd, but here he was… Dressed in a tailored, white tunic with gold stitching. Any other person would see that he looked absolutely stunning, but the sight of him made me want to vomit.

“Trouble in paradise?” He asked, his voice low to avoid drawing attention.

I had a hunch that there was only one male that Ian was truly wishing to avoid the attention of, and that was exactly why Alana was distracting him.

I snarled at him. “What’s it to you?”

“Just checking on you. There are few males that are able to resist Alana’s charms.” He smiled, shaking his head fondly as he looked at them over his shoulder.

Another look to Azriel, and my breath caught in my throat. Ian was right, Alana was hard to resist.

I bit my lip, trying to avoid the temptation to pull Azriel back to my suite and never let any other female lay their eyes on him ever again.

But we had just started to repair whatever it was that had been broken between us, and everything still felt a little bit fragile. So I shook my head, pushing the urge as far out of my mind as I could muster.

“Get out of my way, Ian.” I deadpanned, attempting to push past him.

Both of his hands reached out, gripping both of my shoulders so tightly that I winced.

“You and I need to talk.” He stated, tightening his grip.

He was surely going to leave bruises.

“Let go of me.” I bared my teeth at him. “Right now.”

“Please, Y/N.” He said. “I come in peace.”

“The way you're holding onto me says otherwise.”

He made a noise, a hum of sorts, as he stared down at me. He did not loosen his grip on my shoulders.

“Why can’t you just hear me out?” He shook me slightly, as if it would wake me up from whatever dream I was in the middle of.

“Because you called me a whore.” I growled. “Now, let. Go. Of. Me.”

“Y/N…” Ian started, but was cut off by a scarred hand on his own shoulder.

“She told you to let her go.”

Ian finally did, taking a few small steps away from me with his hands raised in surrender. He had gone so very pale, his eyes widening at the very sight of the Spy Master.

Azriel’s shadows were swirling around him as if poised to strike at any given moment, their whispers seeming like shouts, and his face was full of menace. My lips parted as I stared at him.

“Do you not remember the promise I made the last time you put your hands on her?” Ariel asked, his voice a lethal calm as he cocked his head to the side. “Or, do you need a reminder?”

“She’s not-” Ian began again, but Azriel rounded on him, stepping between the two of us.

“Unless you want to find out just how sharp my blade truly is, I suggest you get lost.” Azriel smirked.

Ian just gaped at him for a moment, before growling and spitting at his feet. He turned, trudging over to a waiting Alana.

Her face was full of concern, as she reached out to him. He pushed her off and stalked into the crowd. She followed after him like a wounded animal.

“And what the fuck did she want?” I asked, unable to keep the venom from my own voice.

“To distract me.” He stated, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “And to rile you up, it seems.”

“Was she flirting with you?”

“Yes.”

I snarled again, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Don’t pout.” He grinned, tilting my chin up. “She’s not my type.”

“No?” I asked, meeting his gaze. “She’s everyone's type.”

“I prefer my females to be a little more… aggressive.” He chuckled at the rage that was clearly on my face. “It’s too boring otherwise.”

“I’ll show you aggressive…” I mumbled.

He thumbed at my bottom lip before shaking his head and pulling away from me. I missed the warmth of his hand immediately.

“Let’s get you a drink.” He said, “Loosen you up a little bit.”

“A drink would be nice, but I have something better in mind.”

He followed my gaze to the throngs of dancers on the other side of the field.

He grinned, “You sure you want to dance with me again?”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” I laughed. “C’mon.”

*****

Azriel spun me away from him, grinning as I laughed.

“Gods, you’re beautiful.” He said, pulling me back to his chest.

“And you’re drunk.”

“I’ve only had a few. My eyes still work.” He said. “I can see that you’re blushing, too.”

“Shut up, Azriel.” I grinned again, burying my face in his chest.

“And I can see how absolutely ravishing you look in this dress.” He said.

I shook my head, keeping my face in his chest. I couldn’t help the smile that grew on my lips.

“Look at me.”

I did as he asked, but when I met his gaze, the breath left my lungs.

He licked his lips, his gaze flicking down to my own.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” He asked.

“Like you’re going to devour me.” I said, my voice breathless.

“Y/N…” he breathed as he memorized my face. “I-“

“Don’t look at me like that if you’re just going to leave me again.” I interrupted, placing a hand on his chest, trying to push away. He held me firmly in place, but, unlike Ian’s grip on me, Azriel was still gentle.

“Leaving you like that is one of the greatest mistakes and regrets of my life.” He purred, leaning down so that our lips were only inches apart. “I haven’t stopped regretting it since it happened.”

“You haven’t?” I asked standing on the tips of my toes to try to close the gap.

He chuckled, the sound dark and alluring.

“No, I haven’t.” He said. “It’s been all I’ve thought about. About what I should have done when you kissed me.”

“Are you going to rectify the situation?” I asked.

“I have a few things in mind.” He brushed the hair away from my face, his hands so very gentle.

“Just so you’re aware,” my own gaze flicked to his lips, “I have no intention of kissing you again until you have kissed me first.”

He hummed in response, pulling away to twirl me once again before pulling me back to his chest. Gods, he was a good dancer.

“The final dance.” I said, batting my eyelashes at him.

“What about it?”

“There’s always a final dance, and at the end…” I grinned, running my hand down his arm, making him shiver under my touch. “At the end, you kiss your partner.”

“Is that so?”

I nodded, giggling as he dipped me.

The music was far too fast for slow dancing, but dancing with Azriel seemed to make the entire world slip away.

“And if I were to invite a certain Dawn Court beauty to dance with me, do you think she would let me kiss her at the end?”

“I think the odds are in your favor.”

He hummed again, the sound vibrating in his chest. “I wonder where Alana has gone off to.”

I pulled away, my mouth dropping open. He barked out a laugh.

“Kidding!” He pulled me back to his chest. “I’m only kidding. There’s only one female I want to kiss.”

“Let me guess..” I put a finger to my chin. “Amren?”

“Yes, how did you know?” He smiled.

“Just something about the two of you together.” I nodded, “undeniable chemistry.”

He pulled away, searching my eyes for something. It seemed as though he was warring with himself in his mind, but before he could say anything more, I pulled him into the center of the crowd as the music began to pick up and the sun peaked over the mountains.

“What’s this?” He asked, following after me.

“The final dance.”

He laughed again, following my lead as we bounced and twirled and jumped. He had never looked so free, not as he did in that moment, and I felt my heart squeeze at the sight of the easy smile, the warmth in his eyes and how utterly at home he seemed to be as we danced our way across the field.

It was a beautifully timed push and pull, Azriel somehow knowing every single step in a dance that I was sure he had never seen.

We switched partners, the music picking up as we swung around. I could feel Azriel’s eyes on me as we made our way around the circle.

Spinning and spinning and spinning, Azriel found his way back to me. His hands on my waist, he lifted me in the air in time with the music.

I laughed again, my cheeks hurting from how much I had been laughing and smiling.

When he set me on my feet, and the music started to wind down, he stepped impossibly closer to me.

I breathed in, his scent enveloping my every sense. The look in his eyes was intoxicating, and every touch electrifying as he trailed his hands over the expanse of my waist.

My clothes suddenly felt too tight as we stared at each other. When he tangled his hand in my hair and the other on my hip, I tilted my head back. Our bodies were flush against each other as he searched my eyes for permission.

When I nodded, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine before trailing kisses across my jaw and down the column of my throat, leaving electricity in his wake.

It was as if our first kiss never happened when he finally crashed his lips into mine. He was kissing me as if I was his last source of air, frantic and needy. His lips slotted over mine perfectly, as if we were made for each other.

When he bit my bottom lip and I let out a moan, he forced himself to pull away from me.

With his forehead pressed to mine, he breathed, “we have to stop.”

“Why?” I asked, running my hand down his chest. “We were just getting to the good part.”

He groaned at my touch, and a shudder went down my spine at the sound.

“Because my self control is slipping, and I want, more than anything, to throw you over my shoulder and find a quiet place to have my way with you.” He said, his voice husky with desire.

I opened my mouth to tell him he could take me wherever he saw fit when he traced a finger down my jaw and over my lips.

“I want to be alone the first time we have each other, because…” he gulped, the confession scaring him. “Because when I give myself to you, it’s going to mean everything to me. I don’t want it to be quick, I want us to take our time. I want to learn everything that makes you tick and writhe and moan.”

“Az…” I started, his words settling in my heart and making heat pool in my core.

“And when we’re done…” he pressed a kiss to my temple, “you’ll have no doubt in your mind that I belong only to you.”

I bit my lip and pulled him closer to me.

“Good, because I’ve been yours since I first laid eyes on you in that townhouse. Maybe even before then.” I mumbled before pressing another soft kiss to his lips.

He held my face in his hands as he kissed me back, so gentle as if I may break or disappear if he held too tightly.

*****

Tag list: @brekkershadowsinger @mis-lil-red @judig92

[nxzz-skz]

~Jake ff - games w/ my ex (oneshot)

Warnings: Swearing, kissing, slight mention of murder

Y/N POV:

It was finally Saturday night, and me and my best friends had decided to spend some time away from stress by staying in an hotel and having the time of our lives.

I was so happy to finally have some time to just drink and forget about everything that had caused me stress in the past couple months.

I was having such a good time, laughing and joking with my friends, not even caring that my ex and a couple of his friends had shown up. I didn’t particularly like the idea and the fact that he was here, but I wasn’t in the mood to cause any drama , so i ignored his gaze and continued to laugh my worries away

My best friend Winter suddenly shouted over the loud laughter and chatter “Guys does anyone wanna play a game?!” Everyone looked at her in curiosity, wondering what she was planning.

Jisung replied with “It depends on what game you’re talking about here” causing all of us to nod in agreement as we waited for Winter to give us more information about the game.

“Yeah and also who’s playing with us” I chipped in, hinting at her that I really didn’t want to play any game that involved me and Jake having to interact with each other. Especially not after i had ignored and successfully gotten over him after two months.

Winter replied with a wink and said “I can’t say who will and won’t play since it’s up to them, but since we’re all single here, lets play seven minutes in heaven!”

My eyes widened in shock as i knew what this was leading to and I glared at Winter, telepathically trying to tell her that this was a very bad idea, to which she responded to with just a shrug and sticking her tongue out at me.

I rolled my eyes at her childish response and sternly said “Well, i guess I’m definitely not taking part then”

“I mean I don’t really want to play either, but im not going to ruin the party unlike SOMEONE” Jake muttered to himself, but unfortunately it was loud enough for me to hear and i let out a scoff in response.

God this boy gets on all my last nerves.

“*scoff* On second thought, I might as well play since i definitely don’t wanna ruin the party” i said sarcastically , adding emphasis on the last part.

“Well that’s great then! Let’s start playing, unless anyone else has a problem with it” Winter said whilst looking around to see if anyone else was opposed to her idea.

“Count me in, I’m more than fine with it” Minho replied, finishing his drink and leaving his glass on the side, whilst the others copied him and gathered around Winter.

“Might as well join. Let’s play!” Yeji cheered.

Everyone cheered in agreement and got ready to begin the game.

Jake was watching me, waiting for me to join the rest of the group and to see if I would actually commit to playing the game. I internally groaned. The game hadn’t even started and he was already ruining my night.

“God, please make sure I end up with anyone but him” I prayed to myself, knowing completely well that if we ended up having to play together, he wouldn’t refuse. He could never, especially considering how cocky he was, and how big his ego was.

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t be able to say no myself, especially if i didn't want the others to laugh and tease me about it.

“Okay then, everyone gather around in a circle please!” Winter shouted, making us all sit together in a large circle, before emptying out a soju bottle and spinning it around in the centre.

“Please land on me, please land on me” I chanted internally and squeezed my eyes shut , thinking that going with Winter would be a million times better than the chance of ending up with Jake.

I opened my eyes and the bottle was still spinning and spinning, my gaze constantly followed it, hoping that i would just end up with Winter, but unfortunately to my disappointment, it slowed down and ended up stopping on Jisung.

With a wink, Jisung stood up and said, “C’mon, let’s go Winter” leaving Winter to follow after him whilst being a smiling, blushing mess.

“Great” i said with a sigh “Lemme just take my turn to spin it now”

I grabbed the bottle hoping that if i spun it now, there was a higher chance of me ending up with a person that was definitely not my ex.

“Yeji or Minho please, either one I don’t mind” i thought as I nervously watched the bottle spin, watching it spin past Minho, then Yeji, then Jake and then Minho again.

The bottle began to slow down with every spin, eventually slowing to a halt, passing Yeji and landing on the one person I didn’t want it to land on.

“Oh My God! Did i do something wrong in my past life?” I said whilst crying internally.

Yeji and Minho exchanged worried glances, knowing that it was only a couple of moments until i lost it.

“Y/n, if you really want, we can spin the bottle again..” Minho offered, making my eyes widen and sparkle with joy, but unfortunately Jake decided to speak up, saying “A game is a game, and the rules are the rules. You gotta play it the way its meant to be played..unless your a loser..”

He smirked as he knew exactly how to hit all my nerves.

“Can you just shut your big mouth Jake? Y/N let’s just spin it again” Yeji reassured, but i just shook my head, not wanting to seem like a quitter, especially in front of the one person i hated the most.

“I appreciate your concern Yeji, but a game is a fucking game, just like Mr. Know-It-All over here stated” i said through gritted teeth, my anger clearly showing now.

“Are you sure that you’re comfortable doing this?” Minho asked, scooting closer and grabbing my hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

I smiled a tight-lipped smile at Minho, nodding before letting go of his hand and turning my attention to Jake who was already looking at us with his jaw clenched and his eyes filled with….anger???

What was he angry about now???

“Let’s go Jake” I said, standing up and walking over to the closet, just in a desperate need to get this over and done with.

“Yeah whatever I’m coming” he muttered, following close behind me.

“Yah! Jake hurry up and get in here will you!” I yelled, making him stop stalling outside the opened walk-in-closet doors and walk towards me, looking as if he was about to loose it.

“God was I that bad of a boyfriend that your friends had to ask if you were ok with being with me for just 7 minutes? Fuck, I didn't even want to come to this stupid party, I only came because Jisung begged me” he said once he was close enough, looking as he was either about to burst out crying or punch someone in the face.

“You cheated, Jake! Of course you were that bad!” I shouted back at him, causing him to have another go at me.

“How many time do I have to fucking tell you , I didn't cheat on you. It was all a big misunderstanding” he responded.

Of course he was going to say the same thing he’s repeated about a hundred time already. He can keep on saying it but without an explanation, I’m not going to believe anything.

“Why do you keep on avoiding explaining it then??” I questioned

“Because that was the biggest thing I loved about you! I loved the fact that you trusted me more than anyone else in the whole world and when you stopped trusting me, our whole bond was broken. Everything was over and my whole world came crashing down” he said.

“Of course you would say that because you weren’t the one who saw their significant other KISSING SOMEONE ELSE. How do you expect me to trust you after seeing that?!” I retorted

Silence fell between us. He didn’t say another word nor did he even make an attempt to defend himself. A small part of me was hoping that he would eventually say something, but he never did.

“I’m going back, fuck this. I’m sure 7 minutes is over by now” i said and began to make my way towards the closet doors, when I found my foot getting caught on a hanger and causing me to trip and fall towards the ground.

“Oh God, Y/N are you ok?” Jake said worried, as he walked towards me and inspected my knee which i had banged against the hard wooden floor.

“I-I’m okay” i said whilst standing up but falling back down again, causing more pain in my knee once again.

“Stay still and shut that pretty mouth of yours” Jake said, scooping me up in his arms. My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed pink as i looked up at him in shock and embarrassment.

“Before you decide to protest, just remember that I’m only doing this to help you and if you scream your friends will probably think that im murdering you or something extreme” he warned, shutting me down before I even thought about yelling at him to put me down, and he started walking back towards the living room. Or so i thought.

“Why did you bring me to the bedroom?” I asked right as he placed me down and made me sit on the bed.

“Just stay quiet, I’ll be right back” he said, leaving me in shock and confusion.

I felt anxious waiting for his return, knowing that there was still tension between us as we clearly hadn’t resolved our problems yet.

I sat there hugging myself as the room seemed to have gotten chillier without the presence of another person. For some reason I desperately wanted him to come back soon, counting the seconds until he got back.

I counted a minute…then two…then three…and before I knew it, I had counted to a full five minutes still waiting for him to return.

I was still counting when i heard the floorboards creaking, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and i stood up to run to the door, only to fall forwards.

I was falling forwards, waiting for me to fall flat on my face, but i never did. Instead, i felt a strong, muscular pair of arms hold around my waist tightly.

Slowly opening my eyes, i was met with a pair of worry and love filled eyes staring straight into mine, making me weak at the knees.

I could feel my eyes begin to water when he placed a warm hand on my cheek and gently caressed my face.

“Are you ok? Why did you get up like that? Did something happen?” He questioned, his soft voice filled with worry and concern. He waited for me to reply but instead I wrapped my arms around him for a hug and started sobbing, only to realize what happened and i leaned away from him, punching his chest in rage.

“W-why did you leave? Do you have any idea how anxious i was? I didn’t know where you went and when I heard creepy noises I thought something was going to happen to me. Or even worse. Something would happen to you!” I shouted at him.

Jakes eyes softened as he pulled me in for another warm hug and gently caressed my back.

“Nothing is going to happen to you. Not while I’m still here with you” he whispered reassuringly, whilst wiping my tears away with his thumb and making me sit back down on the bed

“You promise?” I asked quietly

Jake smiled softly and nodded his head.

“Of course pretty girl, now lift up your leg so i can wipe the scratch” he responded, and that’s when I realized that he had only left me to grab a first aid kit to treat my wound.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?” I asked

He didn’t respond and continued to hold my leg and wipe the scratch, so i abruptly pulled my leg away and stood up, ignoring the sharp pain that shot through my leg.

“Y/N, sit down please, you’re injured” he said, his voice filled with worry and care.

I scoffed at how calm and relaxed he seemed.

“How are you being so relaxed Jake? How are you acting like nothing ever happened? Why won’t you just explain what happened so we can go back to at least being friends?” I ranted, my face becoming hot from all the anger and frustration.

“Y/N sit down, this isn’t the time for this” he said sternly, once again trying to avoid the question for the millionth time in a day.

“When is the time for it then? When is the time for me?” I shot

“Not now, just let me treat your wound first” he said looking down and avoiding eye contact.

“Then when Jake? Tonight? Tomorrow? The day after? Next week? Next year? This is getting ridiculous Jake, just tell me when and I’ll wait. I’ll wait for the sake of us.” I replied

“Y/N for the last time, everything between us ended the day you stopped and refused to trust me, even though I repeatedly told you that it wasn’t what it looked like” he said, finally looking up at me.

“Jake we can fix everything that broke, if you just tell me what happened that day and explain yourself, I’ll never have a reason to doubt you again…please….” I protested, just wanting to finally know the truth.

“Okay if you wanna know that bad then I’ll tell you. I was waiting for you outside the club when a group of drunk girls came up to me. They all swarmed me on started clinging on to me and one of the girls came really up close to me. I pushed her away before she had the chance to kiss me, but with the timing and from the angle that that bastard Chris took the photo, it looked like she was actually kissing me. I swear on my life that I pushed them away on nothing happened between us. I didn’t realize that someone was taking a photo and i swear I wasn’t trying to act like nothing had happened just to play with your heart. I would never, ever willingly break a girls heart, especially yours. I still remember the look on your face when you came back from the bathroom and after being shown the photo. You looked as if you were trying really hard not to believe what you had just seen but you looked broken and torn apart on the inside. I tried to explain myself then and there but you refused to listen, and after realizing that I had broken your trust, i swore that i was never going to explain myself…until now i guess…” he trailed of his eyes full of regret.

I couldn’t believe what i had just heard and I was at a loss for words.I didn’t know what to say so i just smashed my lips onto his, hoping that he would understand what i was trying to convey. I didn’t want any more explanation and wanted to tell him that I believed him with all my heart.

I had broken his heart way before he broke mine.

“I ruined everything” I whisper against his lips, slowly pulling away.

I burst into tears, my heart becoming overwhelmed with emotions, and Jake pulled me in for another hug.

“You didn’t ruin anything Y/N…not if you want it to go back to the way it was” he said with a smile, leaving me shocked.

He was willing to give us another chance??

“You are willing to give us another chance? After i basically ruined everything? I asked in disbelief, my mouth gaping open.

Jake didn’t respond but just instead smirked, pulling me closer to himself until our faces were just inches away.

“May I?” He asked, his hot breath fanning against my face

I nodded slowly, as his lips came into contact with mine once again, moving slowly against them

His sweet lips found a rhythm with mine, making me feel that warm feeling in my stomach and my chest, neither of us wanting to let go of the other.

I didn’t realize how much I had missed this feeling, i missed his soft, pink lips against mine, i missed how he made me feel as if i was on cloud nine, as if i was the most beautiful thing to exist, and he did all that just by kissing me.

I missed how it felt to have his strong, muscular arms tightly wrapped around my waist and pulling me closer to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting for dominance with mine, and as always winning.

I missed him biting my lips when we had finally run out of oxygen. I had missed everything, all of him, his touch, his lips, his gaze. Everything about him held a very big place in my heart and my life.

“Let’s give us another chance” he said, pulling away and leaning his forehead on mine, giving me a wide smile that i had missed and longed to see for so long.

“This time with more trust and love” I responded, pulling him in for yet another kiss, feeling his wide smile against my lips.

THE END~

I hope you enjoyed <3

(Sorry of there’s any spelling or grammar mistakes)

[tiikerikani]

Because my motivations for and my way of painting is very vibes-based and experimental rather than about skill, given my experience last year with the ridiculously technically well-executed but often kinda boring work (even in the Novice category) I was very hesitant to enter stuff in the Ropecon miniature painting contest this year.

However, the organizers decided to take a page from various international contests and switched to an open competition format, which means that instead of awarding first, second, and third in each category, they can give out as many gold, silver, and bronze awards in each category as they feel deserve it. Think of it like committing to have multiway ties. (Each standard category, i.e. those by figure type, still has a single "best of category" award.) This works well for large contests with a lot of participants (top-tier international events have thousands upon thousands of entries) and I guess this is getting kinda big, and maybe the same handful of people won't sweep all the prizes.

There's also the benefit that a competitor can enter multiple different works in the same category (and you can be awarded either for individual pieces from your entries, or your whole lot). The idea being that you can show off more of your stuff as well.

So, I figured I'd throw a bunch of stuff at the Beginner (still think Novice is a better translation) category and see if anything sticks. Honestly not very optimistic that being able to give more prizes would mean the bar to getting one would lower by much.

But hey, get this

(You haven't seen a couple of these yet, since registering them in the contest made me finish them.)

I think I spent the longest on that figure.[1] I couldn't tell you what exactly they liked about it—you can get feedback from the judges if you want but I have a policy against asking for general feedback (regardless whether complimentary or critical).[2] I'd say my favorite parts of it are everything except the human figure itself—the base, the cloak, the weapons. I eventually did put some proper snow texture paste on it too, and this may or may not have been a mistake...

Anyhoo, when you get the commendation card it means you're in the running for a trophy!

They are ridiculously cute.

I guess I'll have to paint the category and year onto the nameplate area on the bronze trophy myself. (which is fine, I can do tiny lettering.)

They'd set up a photobooth with a proper camera and all to take the photos of the winners for the awards show but they were kind of terrible? I can take better pictures with my phone:

And I really am not aiming for the same level of technical perfection as folks who do this so-called "display painting"[3], so I don't feel particularly eager to "graduate" to the standard categories. (Also yes, you could still say the same handful of people swept the gold (and a lot of the silver) trophies, but more people got to take home at least a bronze.) But maybe the competition isn't quite big enough yet to split off professional painters into their own categories.

So I think I'd still prefer to show my work in a non-competitive way. Especially if it means I can provide some interpretive context since so many of my pieces are quite personal. I dunno, I feel that making art, or at least what I make, shouldn't be a contest. If they could have a non-competitive display area it might let people show more experimental or joke/gimmick pieces that aren't necessarily high on the technical scale. Might even encourage beginners to share what they're doing instead of being scared off by the sheer quality of work overall.

__________

[1] The turquoise cape and black skirt on the other one also took a substantial amount of time but I don't remember how much

[2] I was somewhere else and wouldn't have had time to ask anyway.

[3] I don't play games with my figures, so any piece I am happy to share on social media is a "display" piece to me.

__________

Bonus picture: somebody's really tiny bust. The pieces are from the same wizards kit that I used for my band tribute figures.

[sparatus]

Fanfic Writer Ask Game: D,E and Y!

fanfic writer asks

thanks daisy!!

D: What’s the most personal fanfic you’ve written?

hmmmm i mean honestly a large portion of my no-reapers au exponential differentiation in general is therapy for me - the whole overarching theme of the series is "bad things happen, but there's still light in the darkness" and how the choices we make define who we are, and the primary conflict goes back to shanxi and how desolas chose to move on with his life but harper chose to dwell in his own hatred, and how that one difference has ripple effects on everyone around them. without going too far into personal stuff, it's very reflective of some shit in my own life, and the whole story is very therapeutic for me to write as it lets me examine those feelings and how i feel about the other person whom harper and co represent. other characters also provide outlets for various things, esp jack whose story arc has always been very resonant with me as a "bad" trauma survivor, so overall. yeah exdiff is my brainchild but there's also a lens for a lot of shit in my head if you look

E: What character do you identify with most?  Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

at this point there's a good chunk of myself in quite a few of them, but i think. it's probably still saren. it's been saren for a long time. sparatus too, but saren has been pretty instrumental to a lot of my own growth as a person, especially as i fought to escape toxic social circles and rediscover myself after depression. don't let my intense love for desolas and sparky and abrudas fool you, i love all of them very much but saren. saren is me.

i see a lot of my own "bad" autistic traits in saren, and how i carry myself and hold myself and observe the world around me. obviously exdiff is going to have a lot of that, seeing as he's a deuteragonist, but i think more specifically the weight of memory is the most emblematic. he's the pov character, so we're in his head the whole fic, and it's a very meditative fic for me to write - while yes there's still things happening and connections back to the main plot happening over in itlog and what avitus is up to, but in memory we see saren detached from the main plot as he stays home and recovers from the events of broken mirror, and as he steps back and observes the day-to-day mundane life around him it's a really good character study i like to think. memory is my magnum opus in the whole series i think

for another one that isn't connected to a whole other series, there's also to catch a rabbit, aka "kryterius murder mystery," wherein he shares the pov stick with nihlus, and we both get a view of his own internal monologue as he runs through the case and an external pov from nihnih who has a lot of experience with saren's various quirks and oddities and doesn't make a big deal out of them just readily accepts them as part of who his friend is.

Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?

i mean. this is niche character and rarepair appreciation central over here.

my shepard fics/series (exdiff, bad end, jai shepard) are much more popular than most of the things i really really want people to look at - the three fics in the i'll follow you series, pre-canon desolas trauma and budding desabrudas, are honestly some of my best work (the latter two ESPECIALLY), and i'm really proud of the random <1k wordcount musing i put out like by any other name (desabrudas) and absolution (garrus/citadel dlc turian lady), and listen if i listed off all the stuff that i'm really happy with but got ignored by readers we'd be here all day listing off pretty much everything on my ao3. exdiff is my baby, my flagship series, i will always be begging people to read it cause if you want to see a big portion of my worldbuilding and character work outside the arteriuses + sparatuses and tiirtias you're gonna have to go Commit, but there is ZERO correlation between the popularity of a piece and how happy i am with it

[theexiledviera]

Moving on from Twitter and other platforms.

Don't worry, I'm staying here. I promise!

It's no secret that I struggle with maintaining a balance between my mental health and my online presence on sites like Twitter. Algorithms played a large part in my hardships, having a majority of my content go unseen unless I adhere to trends or popular demand. Often times it led me to believe that I was unwelcomed in certain communities and constantly feeling isolated.

I would internalize this for too long, resulting in outbursts and me lashing out at probably nothing responsible for this. It's simply not healthy for me to continue that cycle. So I've elected to consolidate myself to a single platform that didn't stress me out like Twitter did.

Blogging is something I'm more accustomed to and something I enjoy doing more. Tumblr gives me the freedom to present my content the way I want to, rather than wrestle with character limits and the like. It only took me a month of setting things up for me to remember how much I enjoyed being on here during my days in AMV editing. And so I chose to make tumblr the platform for my content going forward.

I know I burned bridges and alienated people on Twitter with my meltdowns, and all I can do is apologize and work harder to prevent it from happening again in the future. I like to think things will get better for me on here, and I'm willing to stick it out and see for myself.

Anyway, back to pretty bunny girl screenshots :P

[woozapooza]

Miscellaneous thoughts about Sopranos season 6A

I’m almost done with the whole show, you guys! Crazy! I’m honestly looking forward to it being over so that I can breathe again. This is a selection of the stuff I wrote in my journal this season/half-season (however you want to look at it). This post is RIDICULOUSLY long (about 1700 words) so it’s going under a cut.

Originally I was going to put this point much later in the post but I’ve decided to put it first because it’s the most important: you guys, I adore Jennifer Melfi SO incredibly much and I miss the days where she was actually a main character SO incredibly much. Like don’t get me wrong, the second half of the show has been fantastic so far, but it just cannot compare to the first half for the simple reason that the character who is objectively the best used to be central and now she’s peripheral. Even if her role HAD to decrease a little bit, I wish it hadn’t decreased so much. But I’m grateful for every single second that she’s on my screen. She is literally one of THE characters ever.

The montage at the beginning of 6x01 “Members Only” was SO cool! I love a good montage, and the beginning of a season after a substantial time jump is the perfect place to put one.

In 6x02 “Join the Club,” when AJ made his oath of revenge against Junior, I wrote in my journal, “Bad idea, AJ! That could be the start of a Michael Corleone arc!” Then in 6x08 “Johnny Cakes,” we learn that AJ was consciously emulating Michael! I’m SO proud of myself for picking up on that parallel before the show spelled it out. AJ has internalized the values of the life his parents tried so hard to steer him away from, which isn’t surprising. I mean, it’s really telling that in 6x11 “Cold Stones,” Tony characterizes AJ’s problem not as a lack of responsibility or integrity but as a lack of “balls.” Tony doesn’t want his son to be a criminal like he is, but he’s never managed to dig deeper and challenge the ultra-masculine values that his entire life is founded on. 

Speaking of not thinking deeply about the values one holds, something none of these characters are particularly good at: Paulie’s fury toward Nucci in 6x04 “The Fleshy Part of the Thigh” is just the flip-side of his prior fanatical devotion, which was clearly based less on who she was and more on what she was. It was in large part a formality: not actually reciprocating all she did for him, just blindly following the rules. I say “in large part” because, thank goodness, in 6x09 “The Ride” he finally relents. Heartwarming! Man Sits In Silence On Couch With Elderly Adoptive Mother. (I’m going to go ahead and give Tony some credit for that: I think the lecture he gave Paulie in 6x04 sank in eventually.)

At last Carmela (with Melfi’s help—btw, it was SO great to see another one-on-one session between them!) has articulated the thing I’ve been thinking since at least the second season: she and Tony can claim all they want that they have their kids’ best interests at heart, but the fact is that Meadow and AJ were put into an impossible bind simply by being born.

It’s so funny how these guys (mobsters/mafiosos/wiseguys/whatever the best term is—I’m just gonna stick with “guys”) will tear into each other one moment, but then defend each other in the presence of outsiders. When Johnny cries at the wedding, Phil says that his “estimation of John Sacrimoni as a man just fucking plummeted,” but a moment later, when a random guest comments on what a sad display it was, Phil goes “he’s an emotional man 😔he loves his daughter 🥹.” Then in 6x10 “Moe ‘n’ Joe,” Tony tells Silvio he hopes Johnny dies in prison and Silvio fantasizes about throwing acid on Johnny, but a moment later when Sal Vitro refers to Johnny as “guilty,” Tony and Silvio are both like HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT HIM 😠

This outward-facing ride-or-die stance is precisely the arrangement that Johnny violates in “Moe ‘n’ Joe” by putting family over Family. Putting aside his career and just focusing on the choice in isolation, there is a kind of nobility in his decision to take the plea deal that will let his family keep more of their money, knowing that his former colleagues will see no nobility in it and from that moment on he’ll be dead to them. Just another example of how the world these guys live in actively discourages having a heart. (Side note, Johnny is one of my favorite characters and I don’t even really know why. I get so excited every time he’s on screen. I’m always like YES IT’S THIS GUY! IT’S MY MAN!)

At the wedding, Tony is the only one of the guys to express sympathy for Johnny: just as he was (IIRC—it was a long time ago) the only one who we know for a fact was haunted by Pussy’s death (EDIT: he's not the only one, but my main point stands), just as he was the only one who mourned Tracee as a human being, just as in the next episode he will display a teensy bit of compassion for Vito when most of the guys don’t. If we didn’t get these little glimpses of a heart in Tony, if he was just rotten through-and-through, he wouldn’t be nearly as interesting a protagonist. Instead, he’s only like 99% rotten and that 1% is where the tragedy comes in. I want to say I could fix him, but that would be putting myself above Melfi, and I can’t bring myself to do that. If she can’t do it, no one can—except Tony himself, and he’s not going to. Alas.

Meadow is so frustrating because she is the one Soprano who is actually making the world a better place, but then she goes and confirms the rumor about Vito with no hesitation or qualms. Wtf queen??? Did she not care about the consequences for Vito, or did she just not think about them in the first place? I suspect it’s the latter, given that when Finn points out that Vito will probably face violence now, she doesn’t have a counterargument, but in that case...why didn’t she think about the consequences? I don’t get her. It’s so frustrating because Meadow is right about a lot of things, but like Tony, when she’s challenged to confront her own mistakes and blind spots, she just lashes out. Anyway I’m thinking of being her for Halloween next year.

It’s nice that Angie is friends with the other ladies again, but how did that happen? Even Rosalie is nice to her now, and it was Rosalie who told Adriana last season that Angie’s “not welcome here” anymore.

I’m enjoying the Cleaver stuff so much.

It’s so funny at the beginning of “Johnny Cakes,” when, having learned that it’s not going to be feasible to extort the manager of the new cafe, Patsy laments, “It’s over for the little guy.” Like he’s not WRONG but what a funny reaction to not being able to do the crimes you used to do. I don’t think you’re really the victim here, king.

You can certainly make the case that Melfi should have given up on Tony by now, but I truly find it so endearing how she continues to see potential in him, and how she’s always so proud of him whenever he does anything right. Like in 6x12 “Kaisha” when Tony recounts Christopher’s confession that he’s seeing Julianna, she’s like “omg and you DIDN’T get violent with him? Amazing job!!!” God I adore her so much I can’t even take it. 

Phil keeps claiming that he has a stake in what happens to Vito because Marie Spatafore (hi, sister of the actress who plays my favorite character!!!) is his cousin. That makes it sounds like he cares about her. But he does exactly what she DOESN’T want and murders her husband, because he doesn’t care about her, he cares about his own pride, to which she’s just an accessory. It’s what I was talking about in this post I made about 4x04 “The Weight”: when a woman is wronged, the men close to her take that as a cause for revenge regardless of the woman’s wishes. Except the men I was talking about in that post genuinely love the women they want to avenge; they just express that love in a self-centered and unhelpful way. Phil, in contrast, embodies the most extreme form of that sort of paternalistic vengefulness. He knows Marie doesn’t want Vito dead; he doesn’t care. He knows what he wants to do would actively hurt the woman he claims to be doing it for; he does it anyway. Not very nice, Phil!

After making up his mind that Vito has to die, Tony angrily says, “It’s Vito’s own fault. Why couldn’t he stay where he was?” To which Silvio says, “Don’t beat yourself up about this.” Silvio sees right through Tony’s bluster; he knows it’s a defense mechanism against guilt. That’s another thing Silvio has in common with Melfi, who can also see right through Tony’s posturing. For example, in that same episode, when Tony is complaining about AJ and wishing Carmela hadn’t prevented him from using his father’s harsh parenting techniques, Melfi cuts right through the lies that he tells himself: he claims to believe that his father had the right idea, but she points out that really, he wishes Livia had protected him from Johnny the way Carmela protects AJ. (Side note, I’ve drafted a post about Silvio and Melfi as complementary consiglieri to Tony. Will probably post it at some point.)

I love overarching character parallels AND I also love single-episode character parallels. Parallel between Vito and Tony in “Moe ‘n’ Joe”: both try to adjust to a new status quo (for Vito, a quiet life with a boyfriend and a boring but legitimate job; for Tony, a wife with a career) but both give up, screwing over other people in the process (for Vito, Jim and the guy he killed on the way back to NJ; for Tony, Carmela).

Christopher to Julianna in 6x12 “Kaisha”: “It’s just weird being where [Tony]’s been.” Tony to Valentina in 4x08: “I don't want to be where Ralph Cifaretto has been.” You guys are so cringe.

Even though Carmela can finally work on her spec house again (yay!), I hope she doesn’t forget about Adriana.

I love how Carmine talks. He talks like he’s composing a business email.

[pillbug-worm-pillbug]

Maybe if I write my thoughts out it will be better. Maybe this one large, deep-chested breathe can become my scream into the void which takes this heavy, swollen balloon out of my internal cavity. So here we go. Forgive the dirtiness and filth of it all. I am just trying to be a good human- that is all I have ever done.

If I could see you again, Sparrow, I would do something to entirely destroy my self-respect. Let me explain. I think of seeing you often, although maybe not more often than is normal, given the terrible, untidy ending we made for ourselves. Once every few months, I'd say. Briefly. I usually just imagine what it would be like to run into you at the store in a week or on the street in fifteen years - in both instances I am doing wonderfully, I am gorgeous and molten and loved and desired and you wonder why you ever let me go. In those very brief dreams I have of us once again meeting, I usually hope for you to realise that we could have been great - that I have been great without you anyway. Because I want to realise that too.

But I heard about you yesterday from a friend. You intruded on my mind without my foreknowledge or planning. I am not used to thinking of you outside of my little delusions of grandeur. This friend told me you changed your hairstyle, and I realised when I tried to picture it that I have, strangely, forgotten what you look like. I can't picture your face like I can Tomoe's, can't formulate the shape of your nose or mouth or where your moles and freckles were. I remember the colour of your eyes, as cliche as it sounds, but thats about it. How terrifying. How terrifying that someone I loved so dearly, someone who broke my heart so violently, can slip away into fuzziness after only a few years. And so you're sticking in my head these days.

It has gone past just the desire to have you see my glow-up. If I met you now... I think about doing things I know I would never actually do. Not really, I don't think. There IS no way to meet you, anyhow. I will not scrape through the dregs of our destroyed world looking for one. But the fantasies of what I MIGHT do, of what I secretly WANT to do, they change. And I think that still matters.

I would tell you I'm sorry I was cruel and stupid. I would explain to you as graciously and humbly as I could, with great humility, that I was volatile and aggressive and problematic towards you and Kate because I was in love with you and I just didn't realise. Losing you made me feel horribly unwanted and horribly unstable and horribly, horribly confused, and in that confusion I hurt myself and I hurt you both. And where Kate has forgiven me, you have not. You must have your reasons. But I still remembered the birthday card you made me for my 15th that reads 'I'm ever so happy you were born and I could never stop loving you'. You are perhaps not a very good person now, Sparrow. I hear you've hurt people and you've hurt yourself and you refuse to learn from your mistakes. I like to think I'm not as bad as you might be. So while I know you're objectively not a great person, I don't hate you. I still... A part of my heart is still forever yours. I can live without it, I can grow a new chunk to fill is place, but the piece of my heart that is yours remembers where it came from. It remembers me, and so it's inaccurate to say I stopped loving you entirely, point blank. And so I wonder if those childish words ring true. Can you hate me, as everyone says you do, and still love me as you once promised? To be honest, I don't really care. I'm some way, I'm glad for that - I have realised you and I will never be in love and get married and that is okay. I do fear nobody will ever love me like you did, but then I suppose you didn't really love me all the way. You didn't love me the way I loved you. But it felt like you did. It felt like something I've not known since then and I always fear I never will again. And I don't really have a remedy for that fear other than patience and faith. Those words are comforting enough, so I'll take stock in them.

But at the same time, its not all virtuous. In truth, I don't care if you'll never love me like you did because I don't need you to. But I don't need you to because if I had only one day with you, I could satiate myself with that. I am not as pure a creature as I should be, Sparrow. Are any of us? Probably. Maybe. Perhaps. We humans like to think big, have big grand moral plans for how to be perfect and healthy and squeaky-clean. We aim to be angels but we are only risen apes, filled with filth and sin and failure. When I was 15 I thought I was evil but I was just 15. Now I'm 18 and I think I'm perverted - am I? Or am I just 18?

One day and I'd beg you not to love me like I thought you did back then, but to love me the way I'm now desperate for from anyone. Your body, though it has changed in the years we've been apart, is still yours. Mine will still remember. You are comfortable, familiar, safe. You were once a safe enough place for me to put down a piece of my heart, so even if you've grown volatile and cruel, even if you would spit at me and call me pathetic, the body... the body remembers where the severed parts of it were once laid down to rest, to be warm. I want to have sex with you because I know you, or I knew what you were, and for one night I am capable of forgetting that you're not still like that anymore. I like being degraded so you can say whatever you like and use the sex as a means to try and hurt me. Until this moment I never considered that you might use it to try and hurt yourself, and now I have to think about whether THAT would deter me. Probably. Because I have enough self respect, just about, I think, to not actually do any of it. But god, I can imagine it. I can imagine crawling into your arms like I've arrived tired at the end of the universe, I can imagine you holding me like you couldn't back in quarantine, finally making me feel like I'm worthy of every type of love. You made me feel so worthy. Can you do this for me too? I feel like I'll be better after that, knowing that someone can desire me. But knowing it is still only you, that it has only ever been you, will in reality probably make me worse.

I yearn for what we had sometimes. I wake up with things to tell you. You'd love the new show I'm into and you'd love me loving it and I'd love you loving me love it and it felt so good to be in the love vortex when we were kids. We cannot go back there. Those days are gone and dead. And I can only look forward to someone LIKE you in my future. But Sparrow, I wish for you sometimes. My first love, that's what I call you. In truth, you were not. But you were the first one that hurt. Perhaps I shouldn't measure love by how much it hurts to lose but then again perhaps I should. After all, that is proof you were worth having, that losing you hurt so badly.

I would grovel at your feet, I would do anything. I don't care how evil and messy you get. If I close my eyes for one day, you could be my Sparrow again.

But I will never see you again and this is the only letter I will ever write you, and I'm not going to send it. I don't know your address, after all.

- Written June 18th, 2023.

[matthenslee]

Beginning with the End in Mind

I was taught by some of the best preaching professors in the world. This allowed me to jump into the pulpit, guns blazing with passion and fire. I just knew it would last until the ripe old age of 80 years old—at least if raising four daughters did not put me in an early grave!

I had been a student pastor or worship pastor for nearly 14 or 15 years. Then I had the opportunity to step into the pulpit full-time. While student and music ministry brought me great joy and preaching brings me great joy, the absolute favorite part of ministry for over 18 years has been in the preparation.

Each week seemed like I was opening a gift on Christmas morning. A new week, a different passage, and a fresh chance to dig in for my folks. It was a thrill!

However, as time went on, I began to notice a pattern develop in my sermon prep: I fizzled. I would start strong! Exegeting the passage faithfully, handling each pericope with care, but then I got to the end. I faded. 

I noticed myself begin to “mail it in,” especially as I made my way to the conclusion. At the very point I should be adding a large bow to the sermon with an exclamation mark the size of Texas, I am running out of steam.

So I made a change.

While I am a novice, I hope the change I made is of benefit to you. This change is simple, but it has revolutionized my sermon prep. It is an approach able to cross into business, sports, and life in general:

Begin with the end in mind.

See? I told you it was simple, but it works.

KNOW THE TEXT

Now, when I open up a brand new passage, my first few steps remain the same. Read the passage over and over, translate the passage, write the passage in my own words a few times, and then write it out from the Bible multiple times. This helps me to internalize the text and makes my next step—most times—a piece of cake.

SUMMARIZE THE TEXT

When you know the text deeply, it makes summarizing it a breeze. This is what many of my professors called the “sermon in a sentence” stage. This is the point where the main idea is discovered. The main point you will draw out from the moment you utter it to the time you conclude. (At 12:00 sharp, of course—since my mother might read this.)

While you will have other points, this is one point you want to stick. It will be the idea from which all your other points will flow.

MAP THE TEXT

Once I know my text, I mean really know my text and my main idea, I begin to map out my points. More often than not, it’s three points. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but I take the time to map it out in my notes to expand upon later.

This is also where my change took place. Usually, I would jump right into my explanations, illustrations, and applications of my points. Now I scroll down Microsoft Word a little bit and hit my conclusion out of the park.

CONCLUDE THE TEXT

Why do this? You certainly do not have to, but I do. When I was going through my explanations, illustrations, and applications at this point, I began to take the easy way out at the conclusion—sometimes even copy and pasting past conclusions so I could just be done. Lazy, I know.

Doing this pretty well at the beginning of my study time gives me fresher legs, so to speak. I am not tired, I am not ready to be done, and I am not (typically) out of coffee.

Instead, I am fresh. I’m as excited as I was when I began, and I’m writing with the passion and fire the text deserves. Since I know the text well and have my “sermon in a sentence,” I go ahead and write my conclusion during the early stages of my sermon prep.

This pays off in my studying. More importantly, it reflects in my preaching!

At this point, I am ready to return to the points I map out and explain, illustrate, and apply to my heart’s content. Since this is my favorite part of sermon prep, whether or not I have coffee left over is irrelevant.

In other words, I am right back to being a kid on Christmas morning. Opening a gift—often with internal (and sometimes audible) shrieks of joy from beginning to end.

This may not help you, but it continues to serve my people well. As you prepare, if you find yourself dragging in any point along the process, consider moving that part of your preparation up a little bit.

Do not make the same mistake I was making by “mailing in” any part of your preparation! From start to finish, let us leave our studies with zeal and enter our pulpits joyously prepared to proclaim the Word of God.

Want a lil' help doing this? Text-Driven Invitation: Landing the Plane Without Leaving the Text: https://amzn.to/4eqNunQ

[ramshacklestar]

@wishkept sent || "Saved this for you." They let the words linger softly before offering Yuu the steaming bowl with a rough-looking spoon tucked into the contents. "These guys have big appetites, but it's only fair that you get to eat too."

Its just warm cheese risotto with bits of chicken and vegetables carefully arranged on top, but it smells good and the fae soldiers around them are tucking in eagerly enough. Even Baur, who originally had said he didn't want anything from humans.

"There's a little more left if you're still hungry after. Silver's pretty good at portioning everything." (From the Director)

The smell hit her first, before the Director had even uttered a word Yuu's stomach giving a angry growl whilst the food was being prepared, her own part being in gathering nearby logs or sticks to keep the flames ablaze. It was odd, the way Yuu had gotten used to the scrutinising looks from the fae soldiers and normally she might decline really needing anything at all in favor of giving to those actually fighting in this battle, but at that moment she was prepared to push away even Baur in favor for getting something. Ah, but that was so selfish too, and what would the others think if she even had the ability to move Baur an inch, they could see it as some sort of retaliation and turn on all of them immediately. She couldn't ruin it all over her own hunger.

A small whine came from the girl, her internal dilemma throwing her mind in several different directions resulting in her jumping in surprise when the Director did speak to her. "Ah, I..wha-?" Yuu spoke in shock, glancing from the Directors face to the steaming bowl of food they held. "I wouldn't want to take from anyone else, I mean it's not like I'm really contributing..." In both the preparing part and fighting part Yuu was pretty much just another person.

But another loud grumble came from the girl's stomach making her in that moment grab the bowl away as though she hadn't eaten in days. It was probably rude, and her stuffing her mouth much the same way Grim once did was hardly ladylike but she just couldn't take it anymore. If she hadn't eaten soon who knows what kind of person she'd become, or what kind of things she might end up saying.

Practically licking the bowl clean, Yuu takes a rather large breath almost as though she hadn't breathed once during that entire binge. Prostrating herself to have at least a little dignity, Yuu rubbed at the corners of her mouth checking to ensure she hadn't made a complete fool of herself. "No, that's alright this should be enough. Oh but I hope this wasn't yours?" She spoke quickly, the thought only now occurring to her that she may have consumed a portion meant to be shared between the two. "I'm sorry if it was, I just wanted to make sure everyone else was getting their fill before I even thought about touching anything. Starving myself in favor for others certainly wouldn't help either though." The entirety of this blotting so far had been far more exhausting than any of the others.

"Thank you though, but I promise I should be fine so if Silver has more please split it up between you, him and Sebek. You guys need your strength far more than me."

[enneagram-reblogs]

Countertype Series: Type Five.

From NineTypesCo by Steph Barron Hall.

Meet Toby! (@tobyfrigillana) In this interview, she shares what it's like to be a Sexual Five.

Defining the Sexual Five Subtype:

Sexual (SX) Fives are often more emotionally expressive and artistic than the other Five subtypes. This doesn't necessarily mean that all SX5s have to be creative in a specific sense, but they may view whatever they do as an art form. They seek someone who they can build a deep, bonded relationship with, and they enjoy the trust and connection provided within that sphere. Sometimes SX Fives merge with their significant other, which can seem 9ish. SX5s also tend to be openly passionate about their interests, and they enjoy close, 1:1 relationships.

Did you ever mistype?

"I have never mistyped. After reading and researching about each type, it was pretty obvious to me what type I was. However, I've noticed that other people will be uncertain of my type or will assume I'm a different number when they're first getting to know me.

"This is especially true if they get to know me in a more intimate setting, where I'm comfortable talking to people 1:1 and truly getting to know them."

How would you describe the SX5 subtype? What is it like for you to move through life as a Sexual 5?

"I would describe my subtype as a paradox of sorts. I want to keep to myself, but I'm almost passionately curious about people. My particular stacking is sexual/self-pres. There's often a lot of internal conflict for me when it comes to relationships. I want to be loved and cared for, but at the same time, I need to feel free and independent.

"When it comes to friendships, I have different 'tiers' that my friendships can be categorized in. Each tier has access to certain information about me, the top tier with the most 'restricted/secretive information' about me is reserved for a significant other only. It takes a while for someone to be a close, intimate friend of mine. But the fact that I don't have a large group of friends doesn't bother me.

"Honestly speaking, I really don't care how others perceive me, and feel no need to 'stick up for myself' or convince people to see me in a certain light. The only opinions I truly care about are those who are in my inner circle or 'upper tier.'

"Fives are stereotypically known to focus their intellect on understanding and accumulating knowledge. I deeply identify with this, but instead of focusing most of my attention on science or maths or literature, a lot of my accumulation of knowledge has to do with people.

"When I meet people for the first time, my subconsious immediately begins to categorize them. Upon my second or third interaction with a person, I can often accurately 'file' their personality in my brain."I don't mean this in a judgmental way. Rather, I try my best to understand people so that I know how I can best communicate with them, relate with them, and support them."

What is the biggest challenge you face in your life related to your subtype?

"I would say one of the biggest challenges of being a sexual 5w4 is wanting to be known and understood, but not always knowing HOW to do that. It's so much easier to get to know other people. However, when it comes to my turn to open up, it's very hard to break the innate need to be 'private.' It's like…I want to be glass (transparent) when I'm with others, but it almost feels…unnatural. So I act more like a mirror when I'm first getting to know people. I tend to allow people to 'reflect' on themselves, and connect to me (or rather, connect to the parts of themselves they see in me!).

"In this process, I evaluate if I think this person and I have a special connection or not. If we do, I think that's when I stop being a mirror, and actually become glass."

What do you think is the biggest difference between yourself and other Type Fives?

"Perhaps I can come off as a bit more intense than other Fives. A little more emotional, a little more dramatic… Oftentimes more artistic (thanks to my wing 4). Always kind of between wanting to draw close to people, but also needing to preserve my autonomy.

"I also think I can be more confrontational than other Fives, but only if I think it will preserve or further a close relationship."

Is there anything else you'd like people to know about your subtype?

"Patience & open-mindedness is key to getting to know people like me. We don't always know how to identify or articulate our emotions in real-time.

"It takes us a little bit of time to process! To the partners of sexual 5s: when we fall in love, it is deep, intense, and loyal. There is a strong drive to become very close to you, however we still have the need to feel free and independent."

[jonathankatwhatever]

I love doing laundry. It’s still 28 Jan 2023. Still here.

You should see where my focus is wandering. Through all sorts of rooms, beginning in the suite of regret, because that is an area of both dark and light, were the positive and negative tip a large structure so what was regretted can become something which is understood in the ways in which the negatives of regret recede toward remembering, so the subject of regret is remembered for the feelings which occurred, and that shifts the Observer because the Counter has shifted and I need to say how. Which is not easy. It is mind-twisting.

Subject of regret is an actuality, so it maps. Action of remembering is a perspective on the actuality as the actuality recedes to the point where the Triangular works or fits into a larger Triangular, meaning Hexagonal, which is the process by which these idealized 1Space 1Segments become 0Space and our dimensional existences.

This stuff is getting good. Like wants to escape from the barn good.

So that is process of gaining perspective mapped to dimensions which enclose the Actuality, which is part of an Event in the existence of an Object, which is then within a Thing, which relates outward to the perspectives of how others see the Actuality, which is the Event, meaning we have Objects within various Things, in various combinations, and something happened, and the Actuality is the line, the boundary which separates external perspectives from your internal perspective. That actually maps exactly as we’ve been describing using 1Segments. As in, you gather the inputs at one End, pass them through whatever connects, which could be substantial, and then on the other side you are the End which gathers all the inputs from inside you. You means whatever you think of as you when you are walking around. For some people, that might be extremely consistent, while with others it may vary considerably, and I assume some people aren’t aware they are a you, as if they have no conceptions of identity beyond ‘me’.

To expand, the Actuality is a line as a boundary, meaning you can draw it and draw it with the constraints you apply to the boundary of that Actuality. So you can say here, let’s treat this event as a dot, then we can make a dot and call it an End and treat it as if it expands dimensionally with each expansion having a chance of coming into reality, which is defined as the best fit of the thread above. That’s a version of P≠NP, because you can’t find the best fit of the level above because you don’t control the level above that one. And this is true in our space because every Object, meaning not only any me or you but any problem we can render into something tangible, like computer code, is in its own Thing, and that Thing connects to other Things, and this is why I stick to that confusing label, because this process of best fit is continuous on the scale where the fit occurs. Whatever discontinuity is introduced from higher dimensions generating a result, perhaps a larger scale Event, so trails of Actualities, of stuff happening to Objects, emanate from that Event.

Like in a novel, which is the form which imitates this form of organization. In fact, now that we’re here, we can finally describe Storyline as metaphoric representations from which lessons were learned because the characters within the Storylines enacted what could only be communicated to me metaphorically because, rather obviously, there were no words for the ideas. They simply had not been figured out. And that fits to the general point made so many times that ancients saw metaphors, and represented those. This is how we learned.

It’s like the actual meaning of In Hoc Signo Vinces, with this sign you will conquer. My Latin is so gone I had to look up the end of Vinco, and then translate it for myself because I need to catch the Roman meaning. Which is that it was a renewal of Roman purpose. One can say it was a state strategy, with the Emperor realizing he needed something, something powerful which he could use to gather the strength of Rome together, so he could make Rome what it should be. The Rome of the old Gods meets the Rome of the new God. Maybe they can all get along, but we’ll have to see. And so the sign appears to him because, well, maybe it did. It was the solution to his problem, after all. To be clear, I’m saying this man in his circumstance flashed in his mind on a cross, and he realized that it contained something, a flash of insight no different from any other, except he was Emperor Constantine of Rome.

I remember this conversation from childhood. Or lesson, because I only asked questions. It was about how Christianity localized political control, meaning it fit the breakdown of large-scale administrative sensibility, of the Thing of Empire. That’s because Christianity was designed to take over. It was always difficult to resist the message of personal salvation. When introduced into new areas by more powerful people, it must carried signficant weight. I can’t imagine being confronted by people who overwhelm you with force and then say ‘these are our beliefs’, even without pressure to be like them. That’s a good window into what always scares Jews: when they come for us, we can’t convert away from who we are, and are condemned by these others for what we cannot in their minds change about our nature, which means they can’t open their minds even that much.

This is why I doubt people can grasp the nature of sieves. It’s sensible, isn’t it? I mean now that we have Objects in Things, then we can take O-T’s for Object-Things, and examine them along various dimensions, compare them to the various related ideals and the image that generates, and kick out the ones that show problems. Then those are sieved and sieved and sieved until whatever remains can move on. It’s a lot of continuous processing, like making many lines of beer.

We can render that in many ways but there’s no getting around the reality of what happens, and that you can’t argue your way out. The oddity is that you can sort of buy your way out. If you use your success to help others, and I don’t mean only the concept of charity, but the Jewish conception of righteousness, which ranges from self through family to communities and so on, then you are creating positive Pathways for others, which ties to you, which builds your Thing in the good directions.

I need a break.

——

Wow. That perspective on the conversation I had as a child looks like the actual memory of me being told this material while being told that it would make sense later. And that fits to the same general idea that we convey information designed to help give higher dimensions greater directional control here. Which rests as well on the mathematical reality that we need to reach individual minds because each person is an Object with a Thing attached.

Oh, we can talk about that! We’ve brought this up, but not nailed it in place. That is, we’ve focused on defining an Object as the boundary of a Thing seen in external perspectives. But of course, we mostly have spent time building up what fits inside that Object, meaning what determines that boundary from within as that relates over the boundary, over the Object. So, what this means is the same conditions outside are inside, which means there is an Object within you which generates that boundary, which means inside the external boundary is the Thing of inner you, which is defined as the inversion of the Object that is the inner you represented as a multi-dimensional End.

I just realized this is why live hard, come to a fast end happens. That is the inversion of the End of that you. Literally. And thus mathematically, because the shape of that Object End which is the inner you’s core spreads outward and meets the external world with what you are, with how you react, etc.

[lume-nosity]

after the pain of looking through cognitive functions and tons of research between the feeler types, i may have figured out my mbti… it may be isfj. and i hope it is because i went from infp, isfp, to debating between infp isfp infj and isfj, to isfp vs isfj, and then isfj. this whole thing probably looks stupid but, there’s that.

here’s why:

an important thing to note that’s irrelevant to the reasons why i think i’m an isfj is that one: i don’t fit the cook/nursing roles, two: i can be lazy/disorganized, three: i don’t really follow traditions and am in fact oblivious to most of them, four: i’m not religious, five: i’m not good at small talk

i researched that isfj’s like to be organized right? well, i’m not really organized for myself that’s for sure. that’s the downside i guess? but when i was at the store one time and i see items that are out of place, i put them at their usual places. (i saw those freezer doors opened so i closed it, items that aren’t in their proper spots i put them where they belong, something like those examples.)

i do have a good memory when it comes to past experiences/memories i find to be nostalgic…even embarrassing moments all the way since kindergarten. sometimes when i go to bed i feel INTENSE embarrassment over that one embarrassing moment i had in 1st grade. (but even when i say i have a good memory when it comes to nostalgic memories i AM forgetful.)

i live in the present/past more than the future, as the future scares me. and i follow social norms. i hold doors for people, i say thank you, i apologize a lot, etc.

i have an unconscious schedule to follow. (ex: school days i shower at 6:00 pm, while on weekends i shower at 6:30 pm. i go to school at 6:40-6:45 am, and wait till 7:00-7:05 am for one of my friends to find me and walk with me. if it’s later than 7:05, i get a little worried. i’ve made a screaming post about this a few days ago HFJWJF)

i like having straightforward (easy) directions to follow and build off from there. if i was not provided with directions i’d probably be dumbfounded or panic like ‘damn, so what do i do now?’

i thought i was an isfp. from what i researched, isfp’s long for freedom and they do what feels right for them/follow their heart. but for me, i follow what people want me to do/be because i’m afraid of conflict. (my close friend tends to scold me on this)

i prefer familiarity. if it’s something new, i’m hesitant of it because i’m not the type of person to try things that aren’t familiar to me. but i am willing to try if i were comfortable/want to feel the first experience.

large gatherings overwhelm me to a T (especially loud noises), but if i’m with a group of friends/people i know in the same public setting/social event then i feel more at ease. i like to stick with people i’m acquainted/friends with rather than on my own and prefer to have them take the lead. i tend to blend into said group/background and just be happy to be there/happily existing.

i prefer working with people who work at the same pace as i am or close to it. because when i was partnered up with slow people for a project as the deadline was edging closer, i was internally screaming inside because i’ve finished my part early while a few others haven’t even started theirs.

^ speaking of deadlines i tend to finish what’s assigned to me within the same day it’s assigned or a few days after it’s assigned. never a few hours before it’s due, that shit drives me nuts and then cry. i can procrastinate, but not procrastinate too much until the deadline’s close.

i’m not sure if this is an isfj thing but here’s a storytime: a friend that i know of for a few years was having a terrible headache during class and weren’t acting themself which pained me to see. this was a few minutes before the lunch bell when i noticed, so when we had to leave for lunch, i immediately asked them if they’re okay and if they need anything. they wanted me to bring them to the nurse and that is what i did. i led the way, the fastest route to the nurse, trying to hide them away from the crowd, but once we got there the nurse wasn’t there. so we had to sit next to each other in the lunchroom to eat for a bit, and while they were looking so sorrowful my heart ached. like, REALLY ached. so i was eating fast just so we can get to the nurse’s office again. i tend to check up on them every few minutes just to make sure they’re still able to at least answer me. we didn’t really exchange conversations because to me if we did, it’d probably increase their headache. when i finished, we went to the nurse. the nurse was there fortunately, and i was standing by the door to be sure that my friend is taken care of. the nurse was asking me why i was there and as my friend was gonna answer i answered with: ‘i came with them to help them get here.’ and when stuff was settled, and my friend was about to get into a room i told them ‘i hope you feel better soon.’ and they softly replied with ‘thanks.’ i still remembered this occurrence till this day. it may be my isfj calling?