#there's always the possibility in my personal experience it's more likely you'll find someone humane who will approach you with kindness

[the---hermit]

oral exam tips

I have at least one other post on exam tips, but they were mainly focused on giving tips on history exams. To me oral exams in academia have been the norm since high school, but I know that in other countries that might no be the case, so I decided to write down a list of advices coming from someone who is quite used to this kind of tests.

If you aren't used to having oral exams, you might need to change your study method, or at least add a few steps. I recently made a post entirely dedicated to my study method, which might be useful for this, but what I suggest is to add a step in which you review things out loud. What I would do is to just sit down with your notes or your materials and pretend to give a lecture on everything. Even better if you have a friend or family member to listen to you, because by having an active listener you will be forced to not skip stuff and have clear explainations, and they might ask you questions or clarifications. Those are always good because that might happen during the exam as well, but also it will help you memorizing those things. I recommend reviewing out loud multiple times. This way you will get more comfortable with the exposition of the topics you will be tested on, and you'll have a chance to find your own "voice".

by finding your own voice I mean finding a good compromise between using your own words to explain things, while still using the correct specific vocabulary of whatever topic you'll be tested on. This is fundamental. You are not there to recite a poem by heart, you are there to show you have understood the topic, that you sat with it and made it yours. You have to show you know how to clearly explain things but also reflect on it, making links with other things, and so on. At the same time there's some academic and specific vocabulary you want to include, because you are not in fact discussing the topic with a friend. So practicing out loud before the exam is good to find a good compromise between these two things.

I kind of mentioned it already, but it is absolutely fundamental to show that you understood the topic and not just memorized it. Whatever you do do not learn things by heart. It's better to be slightly insicure about a specific date, than to repeat your book word by word. And if you practice enough, and are comfortable enough with the informations in general believe me you can work around those things you can't remember perfectly well as you are being tested. Moreover your mark on the exam will be much higher than if you just learn things by heart.

on the very delicate topic of not remembering something specific you have been asked. Don't panic, you can still kind of save it. Whatever happens do not stay silent. There are several things you can do depending on whatever the question is, and I will later tell you a very specific example of something that happened to me. As I said do not panic, surely you will remember about some context on the topic so start by talking about that. As you are giving the context you might start to remember additionals informations, or you might build up enough informations to be able to logically guess whatever you are not remembering correctly. If you are half sure about something go for it, even if it's the wrong info if you contextualise it well enough you'll show you knew about that and it might just be read as a slip of you confusing two things. Now there might be situations in which the question is so direct that you can't do much, it happened to me once during my Greek history exam. I was asked the specific date of an event, and I could not for the love of the gods remember it. You know what I did? I told the professor, I cann't rememebr the exact date, but giving certain informations (that I then explained) I can tell you it was more or less in this half of this century. What I did was admit a fault, but while doing that I showed her that I knew what we were talking about it, I had enough informations on the matter to logically place it on the chronological line and contextualize it, and showed her that I can in fact work with the informations I studied. And at the end of my exam the professor complimented me on those exact things, saying she appreciated seeing me use my brain instead of midlessly memorizing informations I didn't understand.

So whatever happens do not stay silent. Anything is better than that.

Another potentially bad thing that might happen, and believe me it happened to me multiple times, is panicking so bad that you cannot get the words out, or confuse things. You know what happened everytime I found myself in that situation? The professor clearly saw me panicking, and told me to calm down, wait a couple of minutes, get my ideas in order and try again. And I got good grrades despite that in the end. You are under a lot of pressure, because you are giving an exam, and you have to be quick and ready instead of being able to reflect like with a written exam. Professors know that, and they keep it in mind, and they can tell when you are mixing things up because you are nervous, and not because you don't know things. I once had a professor look at me in the eye after i mixed up numbers on two dates twice in a row, and told me I know you know them take two deep breaths and try again. And I did. I have so many personal stories from my previous degree in which professors saw I was nervous and told me that it was okay I just needed to take a minute and breathe, and honestly that was exactly it. It was okay and I really needed to breathe, and then the exam when well.

The best tip I can give on answering questions is to balance the actual answer of the question with additional informations. You want to give context and add more infos to whatever has been asked to you, but you should also try not to lose focus on what was being asked. My personal way of doing this is to structure the answer in three parts: 1. general context that works as an introduction to the actual direct answer 2. the actual answer 3. further additions like more context, comparaisons and links with other topics or informations you had to study. This way you show off you know things, you make sure to show the professor you are not just rambling because you don't know the answer, and finally show you are comfortable enough with the informations to reflect on them and link them to other things. Ideally the professor will stop you while you are speaking, that in my experience is the best possible sign, because they are satisfied with your exposition and want to move onto other things.

So always build up on the answer to the question you have been asked. Never stop at just the information that serves as an aswer. You studied, it's your time to shine and make yourself proud.

Contextualizing your informations is absolutely fundamental no matter what, again because it shows you have a clear idea about what you are talking about. This can mean making a small introduction on the time and place, if you are an historian like me, or maybe give an introduction on the person you are talking about (whether they are an historical figure or a scholar you are talking about). Adding the little informations you weren't asked about is great. You are briefly mentioning an even and know the date? Add it in. Everything is a good addition.

Again I have definitely already mentioned in previous points but showing you are capable of reflect on the topics you are talking about is always a bonus. Make sure that when you are giving personal options or personal reflections you are stating this is your thought, but that is usually appreciated. After a good exposition of a topic you might even get the professor asking you your opinion on certain things. It happened to me multiple times, often I was asked to give an opinion of books I had to study for the exam, and that always prooved as an oportunity to add more informations and as I said show that I could make reflections of my own.

Last thing, that again kind of came out from other points, is that you want to show you are comfortable enough with the topic to be able to jump from one point to the other while reflecting on things or making comparaisons.

I am pretty sure I have forgotten something, but once again if you have specific questions I am happy to help, my inbox is always open. I know people who aren't used to oral exams are very scared of them, but as long as you try to approach it like a normal conversation on the topics you had to study, and you have practiced, things will be fine. To be quite honest with you after years of experience I'd say I very much prefer oral exams to written ones, because you can in a way shape the conversation and bring it to the topics you liked the most, know best. I hope this post was somewhat helpful to someone out there, and good luck if you are about to take an exam!

[thebestsetter]

He has never been afraid of dying.

Death doesn't fright him. He sees it as a natural part of the cycle of life. One must be born, live their life, possibly reproduce so their species can keep on existing and then die. All animals, be it a big magnificient whale or a little insignificant ant, have to do this too. This is what they all have in common (and honestly, it's beautiful how all animals have to experience this. It brings humans and animals closer).

Everyone dies, be it the sinner or the saint, the rich or the poor. Death doesn't discriminate people. It just comes and takes everyone (which is kinda funny, since people think that money or looks make them different from the other. They don't. We're all equal. The bullet that kills the powerful is also capable of killing the weak). And frankly, he's okay with that. He knows it'll happen.

Given his work condition, he knows he's more inclined to die than the average person. Everyday, he has to go out there and risk his life, saving hundreds of people he doesn't even know and sometimes not even getting a "thank you" back. It's frustrating, but it's not like he's giving up. Before he dies, he wants to make this world a little bit better. It probably won't be much, but he still wants to feel useful. He wants to feel like he did something good.

"Oh God! You're okay! You're really okay! I was so worried about you!"

He doesn't fear death. Which is why he doesn't understand why he feels like crying when you visit him at the hospital he was staying at after a mission that went wrong. Death doesn't scare him, so he's not quite sure why his hands tremble when they reach to pat your head. He shouldn't react like this. He's never reacted this way before

"Please, don't ever do that again! Never ever!" Your grip in his waist tightens to the point where his lungs are burning for air, but he still doesn't want you to let go.

"You have no idea how scared I was. When the hospital called me saying you were here, I felt like my mind was going a hundred per hour! Please, don't die..."

How can you ask him this? You both know it's impossible. He's going to die one day, it can't be helped. You can't escape death's claws. No one can escape their funeral. You're torturing him. You know he doesn't like to lie to you. He can't just say "I won't die" cause it's simply not true!

"Please don't die" you repeat, and his hands movement comes to a halt "Because I'll be lonely if you die. Don't leave me alone, please."

And suddenly, it all makes sense.

He still isn't afraid of dying. But suddenly, the mention of death leaves an itching feeling at the back of his throat. It makes him sick thinking about you going on with your life, possibly mourning over his death for a long time (he doesn't ever want you to be sad, especially not because of him. Strangely, a sick, twisted part of him wants you to cry when he dies. To be sad. To not move on fastly. He quickly supresses those thoughts though) and then completely forgetting him and starting a new family (this thought makes him sick to the stomach. He feels like a very bad guy when thinking about how he doesn't want you to find another man to replace him. You always said he was irreplaceable after all).

He will forever be someone who was, not someone who is. He'll be lost in time, a name you'll mention once or twice on a conversation while smiling and thinking about the good times you had together.

He'll never hear your laugh and your voice again, will never take you out on extravagant dates and have movie nights watching silly movies and laughing at the special effects. Leaving you alone in this dangerous world feels almost criminal.

Death doesn't make him feel bad. Having you forget him after he dies makes him feel like absolute shit.

And so, even though he can't promise you that he won't die, he can promise one thing. He grabs one of your hands in his, looking at you as serious as he can be.

"You won't ever be alone." He says, and you feel like crying. He then smiles weakly "I promise. I love you. Our love is too strong to be stopped by death." He kisses your hand and then quotes the same sentence he uttered at your wedding day "Remember? 'And if death do us apart, I promise to find you in every other timeline.'"

And just like he did that day, he props up in the hospital bed and kisses you.

MEGUMI FUSHIGURO, ITADORI YUJI, Gojo Satoru, Inumaki Toge (or maybe I'm just a glazer ☹️), Nanami Kento (idk, I just feel like it fits him), TODOROKI SHOTO, Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Ejirou, Izuku Midoriya, Aizawa Shota, HAWKS + any character you think fits this!!

~ A/N: this can be read as a sequel of another fic of mine. It also can be read on it's own though (but please, do check the other one if you're interested!!). Also, you can see some Hamilton songs' references here and there (cause I'm a theater kid 😔) AND this was inspired by a line in "Cowboy Beebop"

Masterlist

[carionto]

What Humans call the "Thousand Yard Stare"

As more and more Humans interact with and integrate within Coalition stations, reports, closer to hushed whispers really, began to circulate of some Humans being... discomforting... to be around.

Initially we thought it was just rudeness or passive aggressive behavior or any number of subtle actions or choice of words, no matter how advanced or civilized there will always be some assholes.

However, when some of these "offenders" were presented to us peacekeepers, we found them to be perfectly polite and reasonable. As our conversation continued and shifted topics, whenever there was a lull or the focus was on another speaker for a longer time, the Human's gaze drifted somewhat.

Sometimes she would look to the side and it was harder to tell what her exact expression was, but every so often she would be looking at one of us, but... not. It was as if she was staring at something behind us, through us even. Beyond the walls of the station, it even felt as though beyond space and time itself.

It was one of the most unnerving and chitin-chilling feelings we've ever felt, but then the Human seemed to notice our change and became that friendly and cheerful person once again:

"Sorry, my mind drifted there for a bit. What were you saying?"

And the conversation continued as if nothing was out of the ordinary for the Human.

Upon our return to our office, one of the Human peacekeepers heard about our impromptu assignment and offered this explanation after we told him what happened:

"Oh yeah, I think that person was a retired firefighter or rescue worker of some kind. Professions like that can be dangerous and you'll eventually encounter something horrible at a disaster site or crime scene. Probably saw someone die, or a person they rescued later didn't make it, or it was a kid... It's the toughest when you're the last one a child sees before..."

There it is again. That look, but with a tinge of sadness this time. We didn't know he was carrying such memories. The untimely death of anyone is a difficult time for those that survive, especially when it is the young whose life was still just starting. It seems Humans with their heightened senses and sensitivity to the feelings of others these kind of experiences imprint a far stronger memory than for most.

"Anyway, we've got a bunch of names for such things, but typically we call it the thousand yard stare. It's an old measurement unit, don't worry about it. I think the meaning may have changed a bit over the years, but basically some people go through traumatic stuff and they decide, consciously or not, to sort of... detach themselves from reality. It's a coping mechanism.

A few people thrive on horrible things, but they're the exception. Most of us would go crazy or depressed or any other infinite bad possibilities our brains can go in if we don't find a way to separate ourselves from certain realities. It can get real bad otherwise. It's rare, but a few go truly nuts and try to inflict their pain unto others. Most end up suffering alone for a long time. And some can't take it anymore and decide to end it themselves.

Thankfully therapists and support options are widely available, so those kind of scenarios are really rare, like... suicide accounts for about three out of a hundred thousand deaths last time I saw those charts. Plus drones and automation take care of most of the dangerous tasks, leaving the vast majority of cases to be caused by interpersonal relations actually. A broken heart is one of those traumas we'll never get rid of it seems. That's just life, I guess."

[theharrowing]

Carnival of Terror 🎪 4: I make them dance

The carnival is in town, and it is unlike anything you have ever experienced. Will you make it out alive?

🎪 Jungkook x Female Reader, Jungkook x Yoongi

🎪 word count: 11.7k

🎪 choose your own adventure, friends & strangers to lovers, carnival and circus au, dead dove, horror, possible minor & major character injury & death, supernatural elements & magic realism, nsfw, 21+

🎪 warnings: use of recreational drugs (mdma - time it takes to kick in is sped up for the narrative; feeling unsettled and paranoid; overwhelm); some of you might find Jungkook's behavior to be akin to infidelity, but in the context of their relationship, it's not; explicit smut (vaginal fingering & sex against a wall; multiple orgasms; not quite a blow job; cum swallowing) teasing & use of the word "whore"; being fed water from someone else's mouth; marionette horror; mirror horror; bloody slice across a face.

🎪 note: at best, everyone is a little toxic. at worst, they're a monster in human flesh with dark secrets, that can only exist in this magical realist world. likely, they are something in between. also, if you're in my time zone and see me posting at 2 in the morning, no you don't lmao.

🍧 food note: idk if everyone grew up eating "snow cones" but they're literally just balls of ice and flavored syrup. bingsu and shaved ice are kind of similar, but the ingredients and presentation can differ.

🎪 if you need a little refresher on what happened in the last chapter, i made a handy dandy recap post.

🎪 beta read by @neoneunnajimin!

🎪 posted june. 2024 | read on ao3

PREVIOUS | INDEX | NEXT

WELCOME BACK TO THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!

We left off making questionable choices with Jeongguk. Just how many of our intrepid characters can get lost at once?

POLLS THAT SWAYED EVENTS IN THIS CHAPTER:

ducky & rabbit 1 | ducky & rabbit 2

The little pale crystals taste bitter on your tongue, and you wince in disgust as you reach for the open water bottle that Jeongguk holds in his fingertips, arm outstretched. He eyes you curiously, more openly than you have grown accustomed to, and it excites you. 

"Have you rolled before?" he asks, leaning close as you swallow down two large gulps of ice-cold water. 

"No," you admit with a shiver. 

Not that you know of, anyway. After what you have seen and felt in Seokjin's hypnotic trances, you are beginning to wonder whether perhaps your memories are not the extent of your experiences. Of course, there is a possibility that Seokjin has somehow planted those memories of you in bed with him and Namjoon, but that is a matter for later. For now, you have other matters to attend to.

"You'll like it," Jeongguk insists, stepping close. 

The two of you stand under the shade of the Hall of Mirrors building. With your back inches from the wall, you are unable to hold any space between your bodies.

Your breath feels heavy as you ask, "How do you know?'

Jeongguk smirks. "You like it when your mind is a little fucky, don't you? I mean…you let Yoongi hyung dig his claws into you for long enough."

"What's your excuse?" you ask, equal parts curious and defensive. 

"I love the game," Jeongguk shrugs, easy enough. "Sure, sometimes he breaks my heart, but he always comes crawling back. And in the meantime, I have plenty of distractions."

"Distractions?" you ask.

Jeongguk is far too close, and his lightly floral musk is cloyingly sweet. You find yourself swaying toward and away, toward and away.

"Drugs," Jeongguk says with another shrug. His gaze is pointed as he adds, "And sex." 

It feels like whiplash the way Jeongguk so easily shifts into a completely different person. If you didn't know any better, you would think he and Yoongi were in on something together, and that Yoongi is just off in the periphery somewhere, enjoying the show. 

"How long does it take to kick in?" you ask, ignoring Jeongguk's dark, smoldering eyes and attempting to gaze out at the carnival grounds past him. 

The sun should be going down by now, but it continues to hang high and bright. All around you, music blares, and voices shout. It no longer overwhelms the senses; rather, it feels commonplace.

"Could take an hour. Could take fifteen minutes. With this cut, it's hard to tell."

That is not reassuring. 

"Why is it so inconsistent?"

Jeongguk shrugs. "This cut is strange."

You sigh and accept your fate; what more could you do at this point? Jeongguk seems amused, chuckling a light, twinkling sound – pitchy and melodic. He almost looks childlike with the striped scarf hanging around his neck, tied neatly in the front. 

"Want to walk around and wait to come up, or go inside and get lost?"

Get lost feels like the wrong way to describe precisely what you want, but perhaps it is somewhat accurate.

You take Jeongguk by the hand and go to the left, toward the back door to the Hall of Mirrors – the door that is closest. From the outside, there is no handle, but you instinctively reach for the edge of the door and run your fingers along where there is a small groove in the black-painted wood, allowing you to hook a finger in and open the door. 

"Whoa," Jeongguk mutters, and you think the same, surprising even yourself. 

The room that the door opens up to is dark, and it takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. You pull Jeongguk to the right, whereas the hallway leading into the attraction is on the left, and you find a thick black curtain that you pull out of the way, then discover a small black door. You knock lightly, wait for several seconds, and then yank it open, gaining entrance into an empty space that is clearly not meant for the general public. 

"How do you know about this place?" Jeongguk asks.

"I don't know," you admit. Your body is simply running on autopilot.

The room the two of you find yourself in is rather small and dimly lit, with black walls and nothing to sit upon. There is a small metal hook that locks the door, and you slide it into place. Music plays overhead – the same dizzying organ tunes you have grown accustomed to hearing in this place – and the air feels unusually heavy. 

"I'm surprised you agreed to this," Jeongguk purrs as he crowds your space. 

Instinctively, you step back, knocking your foot against a wooden wall. You stare at Jeongguk as he towers close, keeping your hands to your sides as you try your best to steady your breath. 

"I am too," you admit. 

"Yoongi hyung not enough for you?" Jeongguk teases as he leans close enough to press his body into yours. Warmth radiates, and you melt a little into the wall, allowing yourself to relax. 

Holding firm, steady eye contact, you reach up to rub your palms over Jeongguk's chest, dancing your fingertips over taut muscle concealed under the light, soft, greenish-blue fabric of his shirt. With your left hand, you finger the scarf, giving it gentle tugs.

"Yoongi is more than enough for me," you say, tilting your head playfully. "But he's not here, is he?"

Jeongguk grabs your waist and spins you around. You barely have time to steady your hands against the wall to prevent your cheek from smashing into wood. He presses into you, yanking your hips back until his crotch rubs against your ass, and you sigh a shattered breath as your eyes flutter closed.

"More than enough, hmm?" Jeongguk groans in your ear, voice just above a feral growl. "If that were true, then why are you so eager to let me have you?"

You shrug and whine, "I'm bored."

"Bored," Jeongguk snarls, reaching around to undo your slacks. 

His fingers are quick, and he shoves the material down, then reaches a greedy hand between your legs to rub over your clothed pussy. The material is cold to the touch and still slightly wet, and he tsks in your ear.

"This all for me, or this from earlier?"

"From earlier," you admit.

"When?" Jeongguk asks in a sharp, angry tone.

You grin. "Tunnel of Love."

Jeongguk chuckles, but the sound is deep and swimming with fury. If you didn't know any better, you might think he is planning on ripping you apart.

"I knew it," he all but growls.

Your body simmers with excitement and something else – something that might feel like panic if not for Jeongguk's long fingers roughly stroking over your soiled undergarment. You sigh and press your ass back, feeling the way his erection tents in his pants, tempted to offer to get on your knees and beg for it. 

"He told me all about you, you know," Jeongguk says sweetly, voice far more tame and welcoming. "I know everything."

You hum a curious sound and ask, "Like what?"

"Like how tight you are," Jeongguk says as he pulls your panties aside and lets one finger explore your folds before it dips deep inside. "Fuck," he sighs, breath hot against your neck. "So fucking wet."

"That's all for you," you whine as Jeongguk pulls his finger out and slowly presses it in deep. 

"Yeah?" he asks. "You sure about that? Or is it just me talking about Yoongi hyung that turns you on?"

With a sigh and a light giggle, you say, "Maybe it's a little of both."

"Yeah?" Jeongguk asks, pulling his finger out in a broad stroke that rubs across your clit, making you tremble with pleasure. "You like being hyung's little whore?"

You wonder if Jeongguk is attempting to hurt your feelings despite circling his finger over your bud in firm strokes. All you feel is amusement. 

You attempt to look over your shoulder as you ask, "Are you?"

Jeongguk dips his hand down and slides two fingers in, this time making you hiss. The stretch is not enough to really fill you the way you like, but it feels good. It feels promising. 

From behind, you can hear Jeongguk's other hand at work on his button and zipper. Fabric rustles, his hand pulls away, leaving you empty, and then you feel his cock pressed against your ass. 

"I saw you first," he groans, knuckles brushing over your skin as he strokes himself. "I was the one who pointed you out to hyung. I wanted you first."

He takes you by the hips in both hands and pulls back, forcing your back to arch. You feel trapped in your slacks, unable to spread your legs, but Jeongguk does not seem to mind. He bends and slides his cock against your semi-clothed cunt, causing the two of you to whine in tandem. 

"But Yoongi hyung always gets what he wants," Jeongguk says as he lines his cock up with your hole and thrusts, rubbing his length over your folds and clit. 

A shiver runs along your spine, and you sigh, enjoying the slide even without penetration. Then Jeongguk lines up again and presses slower, steadier, spearing you open. 

Arousal floods quickly, making you moan as pleasure quakes through you. You know that you should be quiet, but it is hard to hold back, and you bite your bottom lip in an attempt to clamp your mouth shut and muffle your sounds. 

Jeongguk is thick, and he moves maddeningly slow, making you feel every little vein and curve he has to offer. Everything is heightened with how sore you are from earlier.

"What was it about me?" you whimper, attempting to keep your voice low and steady.

Jeongguk pulls back and thrusts forward, coating himself in you, making the slide much smoother. Then he buries his nose in your neck as he straightens you from the half-bent position you had found yourself in. 

Your back stays somewhat arched, but you attempt to stand tall and allow Jeongguk's hands to grip your hip and chest, holding you in place. You anchor your palms against the rough wood wall, feeling its tiny grooves filled with paint.

"Everything," he groans as he pulls back and thrusts quickly forward, making you moan in dizzying pleasure. 

The hand on your chest slides up and firmly plants over your mouth. You sigh into the feeling, breathing in the faintly sweet scent of his skin as he sets a steady pace and fucks you. 

"Your smile," Jeongguk grunts, hips slapping against your ass in a punctuated rhythm. "Your laugh. You were so—" Jeongguk's hand slides from your hip, reaches forward, and pinches your clit, "—intoxicating," he growls as you moan desperately into his palm, feeling pleasure burst inside you. 

Jeongguk fucks you hard and fast, groaning against your neck while your hot breath creates a pocket of condensation coating his calluses, his life lines, and his heart lines. Surely, you could be heard by anyone who may approach the little black door hidden behind the velvet curtain, but you cannot bring yourself to care.

You feel euphoric. You feel lost.

"Cum for me, baby," Jeongguk commands, fingers pinching and rubbing your clit in rough but pleasant motions. 

Ignoring the way your chest flutters at the sound of Jeongguk calling you baby, you nod and close your eyes, relaxing as best as you can, eager for release. Fireworks of light and pleasure seem to explode within you, and as you climb higher and higher toward bliss, you feel awash with warm, overbearing ecstasy. 

Desperately, you moan into Jeongguk's palm. You attempt to beg him to make you cum, muttering a muffled prayer of, "Please, please, please." 

Jeongguk angles his hips, pressing himself impossibly deeper, causing your eyes to roll back. Orgasm explodes and you squeal and shake, worried the pleasure might knock you down to the floor. 

But Jeongguk holds you firmly and keeps you steady. Your blunt fingernails dig into the wooden wall, and you quake as wave after wave of pleasure washes over you, threatening to drown you in its undertow. 

"So fucking good," Jeongguk groans against your neck. "You feel so fucking good cuming on my cock."

You are unsure whether it is the drugs or simply Jeongguk, but as soon as you feel as if you are able to relax and come down from your high, another explodes inside you, causing your legs to go weak as you tremble and squeal. 

"Holy fuck," Jeongguk growls. "That's it, baby. Keep squeezing me."

You attempt to moan Jeongguk's name, but your voice is too muffled. The sound of your release squelching with each thrust fills you with shame and excitement, and you wonder whether you have ever cum so hard before. You want to tell Jeongguk as much – want to praise him for how incredibly he fucks you – but all you can do is moan and sob against his damp palm, and take what he has to give you.

"Gonna cum," Jeongguk warns. Then he slides his hand away and asks, "Will you swallow it?"

Without thinking twice, you nod, voice broken and weak as you moan through the last of Jeongguk's firm, deep strokes. 

He pulls out, and you turn, dropping to your knees haphazardly, which are stuck together in your bunched slacks. Your knees sting as they kiss wood, but all you can focus on is Jeongguk's pretty, uncut cock glistening above your face as his fist slowly strokes up the shaft. 

"Open," he commands, leaning with one hand against the wall and towering over you. 

You open wide and do your best to sit high, but a steady tremble works through your entire body, causing you to feel dizzy and disoriented. Jeongguk takes your chin in his hand and slides his cock along your outstretched tongue, and as soon as you close your lips around the tip and suck, tasting your own heady flavor, he pulsates against your lips and cums. 

Jeongguk moans, fingers digging into your jaw, and you do your best to breathe through the gentle thrust of him along your tongue, spurting into your throat. When he sighs heavily and pulls back, you look up, heavy-blinking and holding your mouth open wide. 

The sight above you is heavenly. Jeongguk pants and stares, covered in a sheen of sweat that sticks his shirt to his firm, muscular chest and arms. His face is rosy-blushed, and his dark eyes are wide. 

"Fuck," he mutters, leaving his cock to hang heavy and deflate while he moves his hand to your mouth and presses the pads of two fingers against the mess on your tongue. 

Something is clearly on his mind, and you stare up in waiting. Then he pulls his fingers out, and nods, cracking a smile. 

"Hyung mentioned you were a fucking dirty girl. I bet I could spit in your mouth and you wouldn't mind."

You roll your eyes and retract your tongue, smiling at Jeongguk's audacity. You absolutely would not mind, but he doesn't need to know that. Not when he seems to feel so superior over you. 

Jeongguk tucks himself back into his slacks and then helps you stand. Your legs feel like overcooked noodles, and you stumble back against the wall as you reach to pull your pants up with trembling hands.

Around you, the sound of the music swells and sways, and you would attribute the disorienting nature to the drugs, but this is how it sounded when Namjoon held your hand and pulled you through these halls earlier. You wonder if, perhaps, Namjoon is nearby.

"Feel the effects?" Jeongguk asks, grabbing the bottle of water from where it seems to have been tossed to the floor. 

You stretch your arms over your head, feeling how simultaneously heavy and light they are. "I think so," you mutter. 

Jeongguk takes a drink of water, then steps forward crowding your space. You open your mouth to ask what he is doing as your head bumps against the wall, but Jeongguk simply opens his mouth and dribbles ice-cold water from his lips to yours. 

Most of the water makes it to your mouth, but some drools out to the side, and as the two of you swallow, Jeongguk kisses you, licking deep and causing you to melt into the wall once more. 

You lift your hands to rub against his chest, palms grazing over clothed pierced nipples, making Jeongguk hiss. He licks firmly over your tongue, then pulls a moan from your throat as he sucks on its tip. 

"You taste good," Jeongguk mutters against your lips, urging you on. 

You slide one hand up to scarf around Jeongguk's neck and pull him close, licking fervently into his mouth, tasting and teasing; taking as you please. Jeongguk presses his hips against you, and you chuckle, breaking the kiss. 

"We should get some fresh air," you mutter, feeling warm and increasingly claustrophobic. 

"Alright," Jeongguk mutters, sucking your lower lip between his teeth. You whine until he releases, and sigh as he says, "Let's go."

Jeongguk takes your hand in his, and you can feel residual cold on his palm from when it held onto the water bottle moments ago. It feels nice and grounding as you attempt to get your feet to cooperate and assist you with leaving this place. 

Only, when you exit this small room and walk toward the door that should lead back outside, all you find in its place is a wall. Jeongguk presses and rubs against the black wood, and he sighs when he finds nothing. High on the wall is a blinking red Dead End sign, and you wonder whether there is a proper back exit, or if this attraction is only meant to have one way in and one way out.

"I want to freak out about this, but I feel too high to care," he grumbles, making you laugh.

You would also like to freak out about this and all the other oddities that you have experienced. But you know that it will do nobody any good, and so you sigh and yank Jeongguk toward the hallway that leads into the attraction. 

"Only way out is through, I guess," you sigh. 

Jeongguk falls into step beside you, and as you enter the first hall full of glass and reflected light, dizziness overtakes you. The two of you stumble and giggle, stopping to gawk at your warped reflections, warping them further as you bend and twist. 

You are a little surprised that Jeongguk continues to hold your hand, firmly keeping you close, leading at times, and following at others. It feels nice. Warm and steady. Secure. You nearly forget all about Yoongi.

But then a flash of blue and black moves in the distance ahead, and although you do not clearly see it, you feel it. It has to be Yoongi. 

Jeongguk is giggling as his reflection when you grip tightly to his fingers and pull, causing him to stumble to your side, muttering something under his breath. 

"This way," you insist, staring ahead for any sign of the blur that you could swear is Yoongi. 

You turn your gaze every which way, looking into rooms and staring as far as you can along paths, but all you find are strangers. Amused couples, bored third-wheels, and giggling shapes pressed closely in dark corners. 

"What is it?" Jeongguk asks, slowing and creating resistance. 

"I need fresh air," you sigh as your chest tightens and the air feels constricted. "I just…I need to get out of here."

Time seems even more warped as the drug shimmers through your system, and you search and search, though for what, you slowly forget. All you know is that there is a deep, pounding need in your chest, but as you turn corners and examine rooms, you question whether that need could ever truly be filled.

Far ahead, down the long hallway and past several doorways, you spot a bright shining light appearing and disappearing. Sunlight. 

You yank on Jeongguk, who follows along obediently, holding onto your palm as it increasingly begins to sweat, slickening your hold. He allows you to pass through doorways first and slides easily behind you to allow others to pass. 

When you reach the exit, he steps ahead first and presses the heavy wooden door open, holding it for you. All at once, the air is hot and dry, and as you take in a deep inhale, you are unsure whether you feel better or worse, squinting against the bright sun. 

Jeongguk hands you the bottle of water, and you finally release his hand, lamenting the familiar warmth as your trembling fingers struggle to twist the tiny plastic cap free. You stumble into some shade beside the entrance of the building, and Jeongguk follows. 

He crowds your space and takes the plastic bottle cap, sliding it into his pocket for safekeeping. As you lift the bottle to your lips, you quake and sigh, shivering despite overheating. 

"The come up is sometimes just as rough as the comedown," Jeongguk mutters sweetly. "You probably didn't feel it as badly inside because you were distracted. It'll pass soon."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" you ask, voice weak and pathetic against the small round rim of the bottle. You take a large cold gulp and refrain from finishing off the water despite feeling thirsty enough to want to drown.

"What are you talking about?" Jeongguk asks, laughing. 

As you sigh through the cold gulp, you hand over the bottle, watching as Jeongguk drinks from it with steady hands, much better equipped to handle the drug than you. 

"You called me a whore," you pout, suddenly feeling upset despite not caring before. 

Jeongguk finishes the water and crushes the bottle in his hand, crinkling the plastic as he steps forward to crowd your space. A crazed grin tugs at his lips, and with a lift of his brow, he mutters, "I was only joking," sending a chill down your spine.

"Are you sure?" you ask, doing your best to appear unaffected but feeling jittery.

Jeongguk's look fades and he begins laughing. "You're too much," he mutters, shaking his head. 

Affronted, you attempt to swat him on the chest, but Jeongguk grabs your hand and holds it close. 

"Why are you so annoying?" you grumble, attempting uselessly to yank your hand away. 

"You like it," he responds, grinning as he lets go, causing you to stumble back into the wall from your semi-frantic movement.

The world feels off. Glimmering and electric. Overbearing yet underwhelming. 

"What time is it?" you ask, making no move to reach for the phone in your pocket. 

Jeongguk sighs. "I suppose we should find the others. How long were we fucking?"

His candor makes you shy, and you feel the way heat burns up your neck, to your cheeks. You would attempt to smack him again, but you know it is pointless. 

You look around, wondering whether your friends are still at the game booths where they said they would be. "Where did you tell them we were going?" 

"I told them the truth," Jeongguk shrugs. 

Anxiety rises. "The truth, as in…"

Jeongguk smirks. "They already know about what hyung and I do. No need to act like such a prude about it."

Petulance rises, and you actually lift your hand with the urge to smack, but Jeongguk watches the movement and lifts his eyebrows. He is far too quick, and for your own sanity, you need to minimize the amount of time he spends touching you from this point forward. 

"I'm not a prude!" you grit through your teeth, eager to get your point across without being too loud. 

Jeongguk rolls his eyes. "Look, Tae hyungie originally pointed you out to me. Nobody is going to be shocked by this development."

"Wait…" you grumble, mulling it over. "What?"

Jeongguk shrugs. "He said you would be my type, which of course made Yoongi hyung pounce first. I doubt that he or Jimin hyung would be alarmed or upset if they knew we ended up together, as intended."

You frown, running Jeongguk's words through your mind. The night you met Yoongi, you were with a friend at a house party. That friend introduced you to Yoongi, who later introduced you to Jeongguk. It would be another week before you were introduced to Taehyung and Jimin. What does he mean Taehyung pointed you out?

"Taehyung?" you ask, cocking your head to the side. 

Jeongguk shrugs again. "I don't know," he concedes, seemingly disinterested in dwelling on the details. "He said you were my type, but I'm sure he just meant visually. It's not like you two knew each other."

You softly ask, "What is your type?" and then berate yourself silently, wishing you could just let what transpired in the Hall of Mirrors stay there. 

Regret sinks its claws in as Jeongguk licks over his lips and says, "Pretty. Bratty. Tight."

You roll your eyes and shake your head, scoffing in disbelief. Despite knowing you should bite your tongue, you tilt your chin up as a challenge and ask, "Well? Did I live up to the expectations?"

Jeongguk cracks a smile and says, "Yeah. You're bratty as fuck."

You shove at Jeongguk with both hands, causing him to stumble back into the hot sun and nearly crash into a couple walking by. He laughs, doubling over with his hands on his knees, and stays there for what feels like a very long time, causing you to laugh as well. And then he straightens out and motions for you to follow him while he begins to walk in the direction of a food cart. 

The biggest downside to the drug seems to be how thirsty you become. You also seem to struggle with regulating your temperature, shivering in the shade and feeling stiflingly hot in the sun. 

Jeongguk stands tall on his toes and leans his arms against the high metal shelf of the food cart while he orders a bottle of water and a couple of lollipops. You allow yourself to study his body, noting the way his tiny waist cinches above the band of his slacks, and how his torso curves up into broad, muscular shoulders. 

Tattoos peek out from under his sleeve, littering his hand, and you remember the feeling of metal under his shirt when your palms felt his chest. There seems to be a lot about shy, sweet Jeongguk that you do not know. Perhaps it is no wonder why he and Yoongi get along so well. 

Yoongi. Thinking about him makes you frown. You wish you knew what happened to him when Jeongguk told him to get lost. Everything has felt like a fever dream since you walked into the carnival grounds, and you continuously wonder when you will finally wake up. 

Jeongguk holds out two lollipops, pulling you from your thoughts, and you examine their colorful wrappers, given the choice between grape and cherry. You pick grape, considering how good cherry might taste if you have the chance to suck it off of Jeongguk's tongue later. 

"Thanks," you mutter sweetly, moving away from the food cart to a more secluded area as you pick at the little plastic wrapper with your fingertips. 

With a sigh, Jeongguk sidles up close to you, blocking the sun. You stand near the backs of various trailers, some hitched together, and it feels nice to be away from the crowd.

"Do you feel guilty?" you ask. 

Jeongguk takes his time to fuss with his wrapper, then asks, "About what?"

You turn your head to glance at Jeongguk, but find you would rather keep your eyes on your wrapper, finally peeling it open as you say, "About what we did."

"Why would I feel guilty?" he asks.

You twist the wrapper between your fingertips, feeling the slick plastic that bunches roughly. Your body is warm, and you become increasingly aware of your fixation, bunching up the wrapper and shoving it into your pocket. 

"I think I'm high," you mutter.

Jeongguk snickers. "We already established that."

Your entire body shivers, whether you are cold or not. Right now, you are unsure what you are. Each time a breeze hits you, goosebumps break over your skin, and you reflexively lift your shoulders to your ears. But otherwise, the heat almost feels palpable, like you could cut into it with a knife.

The fact that it still feels like noon with the sun blaring high overhead starts to rattle around in your head, and you glance up at the sky, searching the clouds for movement. Even the sun does not seem to hurt your eyes as you stare directly into it.

How is it possible that time seems to stand still within the carnival grounds? Or have you completely lost your mind? The illusions show begins at 5, and there is no way it is close to that time. 

As you lift the sucker to your lips, sugary grape flavor bursts on your taste buds more intensely than you could have possibly expected. You suck on it, coating your tongue and lips, then pull it out with a wet pop and mutter, "Wow."

"Good, huh?" Jeongguk asks.

You glance up and notice how the cherry lollipop has already stained Jeongguk's lips red. You want to stand high on your toes and trace your tongue over the color in search of just a hint of flavor.  

"There you two are!" Jimin's voice pulls you from your thoughts, causing you to jolt. 

He and Taehyung eye the two of you suspiciously, and you suddenly worry about your appearance. Despite spending so much time in the Hall of Mirrors staring at your warped reflections, you have no idea how you look. 

"Having fun?" Taehyung asks, voice low and curious, eyes mostly on Jeongguk, who shrugs.

"We did some molly," he says plainly, yawning. "She's struggling to adjust, but we should even out soon."

You return the too-sweet sucker to your mouth. Taehyung hums and Jimin gives a worried glance at you before looking around. 

"We don't have to go to the next show if you think it will be too intense," Jimin offers, bringing his concerned eyes back to you.

You shake your head, muttering around the candy, "I wanna go."

Jeongguk gives Taehyung a glance and the two of them seem to communicate telepathically. You lament briefly over not having close enough friendships to be able to read one another in such a way, but you do your best to shove away the thought. 

Taehyung very softly asks, "We still have some time before the show, want to see this weird tent Jimin and I found?"

Something about the thought of a weird tent makes you uncomfortable. You ask, "Weird, how?"

Jimin nibbles on his bottom lip, eyes wide and staring at the ground, and Taehyung says, "You just have to see it. It's hard to explain."

"Where is it?" you ask, feeling as if your entire body is weighed down with lead and unwilling to move as the others turn to walk in its direction. 

"Come on," Jeongguk insists, grabbing for your elbow and yanking you along. 

You expect your newfound weight to hold you in place and keep you anchored in the shade, where it is safe, away from the weird tent, and you are disappointed to discover that you are still merely human, and easy for Jeongguk to drag along wherever he pleases. 

The warmth radiating through your sleeve from Jeongguk's palm to your skin should feel comforting, but you find that it is too warm and somewhat oppressive. You remember rough calluses pressed against your lips.

You do your best to yank your arm away, keeping with his pace, and you are relieved when he lets go. You follow Jimin and Taehyung past the game booths, and you are startled when you see it along the edge of the space: a small tent with stripes that are red and what you assume used to be white, but now look more like a rusted off-tan. 

A shiver runs along your spine, and you instantly feel a sense of ick and dread work its way through you, but your friends are undeterred. In fact, they seem to have a pep in their steps as you get closer. 

"Should we be over here?" you ask. 

Jimin turns, frowning as if you have just said something completely ridiculous, then rolls his eyes and giggles. "There's an opening on the side, and there is no explicit warning to stay out, so I don't see why not."

"You already checked this place out?" Jeongguk asks with a bit of a dreamy slowness to his speech. 

"We started to," Taehyung responds, voice almost too soft to make out over the cacophony of carnival sounds. "But then we decided to come get you two."

Jimin rounds the tent along the right, and the rest of you follow him. Sure enough, the flap is open, and there is no indication that carnival guests are not allowed to enter. Strange, you think, since the tent is sitting somewhat secluded from the rest of the carnival attractions, a peculiar sight that you would think would cause people to want to investigate. 

The tent is not too large, especially compared to those the Kim brothers use, but it is certainly not tiny. The opening is just shorter than your height, but the ceiling is raised several feet higher, and as you duck down and peer inside, just past Jimin's crouching body, it is large enough to contain what looks like a tiny living quarters. 

"Are you sure we should be over here?" you ask again, eyes trailing from the small mattress at the far end of the space, past a kerosene lantern and several closed wooden trunks. There are books strewn about and a pair of boots on the floor. Something about the setup seems personal. Intimate. 

"I assume it is meant to be one of those prop tents," Taehyung says from behind you, peeking to get a look. "To showcase how carnies live…or something to that effect."

"You know how, like, when we visit the historical park that has the buildings still styled the way they were in the Joseon dynasty?" Jimin says. You nod faintly. "Like that."

It is true that this tent may be just another prop, but something about it is strange. Perhaps it is just the molly making you feel so creeped out. Either way, you stand up straight and wiggle away from the entrance of the tent, allowing Taehyung and Jeongguk to step closer. 

It is Jeongguk who walks all the way into the tent, and something about it makes your skin crawl. You shout, "Wait," and reach for him, but before you can react further, Jeongguk jolts backward and trips over himself, nearly falling to his butt on the grass. 

You think you hear him mutter, "What the fuck?" causing goosebumps to break out on your arms and neck. 

"What is it?" Jimin asks at the same time Taehyung says, "Whoa," and Jeongguk shakes his head and takes two steps backward. 

"That was…" Jeongguk trails off, staring at the tent and then shaking his head and chuckling. Only, the sound is less mirthful and more unsure. "Damn. I need to lay off the drugs."

"What happened?" you ask, walking close to Jeongguk and turning your head to glance into the tent. 

Everything looks normal, but you are unwilling to step any closer to inspect it. The unsettling feeling has only managed to grow. 

"I thought I saw something," Jeongguk says, chuckling with unease some more. "Or, rather…someone? I don't really know."

This makes Jimin sigh loudly and stand up, turning to face you and Jeongguk. "Oh, give me a break," he groans. "You're just trying to scare us."

Jeongguk's face brightens as if he has been caught in the act by Jimin, but there is something in his eyes that seems scared and distant. Still, you remind yourself that the two of you are high, and you are definitely feeling heightened paranoia. 

"Okay, well this has been fascinating," you say, walking slowly backward and away from the entrance. "But I still feel like I might be peaking, and I don't think I can handle any more of these creepy ass tent vibes." 

To your delight, Jeongguk nods and follows you. Jimin seems intrigued by the tent, however, and it appears as though Taehyung is pointing into it, whispering something to Jimin. 

"Should we just ditch them?" you ask, only half joking. 

Jeongguk pulls out his phone and glances at it, then says, "We still have a little time before the illusions show. Wanna get in line for a snow cone? I saw a cart on the way over here."

A snow cone sounds amazing and you nod, feeling relief and excitement replace all the earlier dread. Out of stress, or possibly impatience, but likely the thought of enjoying something new, you chomp down on the grape sucker, crunching it between your teeth. Unsure what to do with the sticky grape-stained stick, you twirl it between your finger and thumb.

When you turn to see whether the other two are following, you are disappointed to find they are still bent at the hips and staring into the tent. 

"We're gonna get snow cones," you try, but Jimin does not react, seemingly stuck in a trance. 

It is Taehyung who glances past Jimin toward you and says, "We'll catch up to you."

Jeongguk shrugs and begins to lead the way, so you follow. With each step you take, the ground feels further and further away, and you are beginning to sweat quite a bit. Jeongguk sways his arms as he walks, and you wonder whether it would feel nice to do the same, but as you approach the paths where more people are, you feel too self-conscious to try it. 

"What did you really see in the tent?" you ask, eyes on your feet as they step from grass to gravel.

"Yoongi hyung," Jeongguk says, causing you to nearly trip over yourself.

You halt and turn to Jeongguk, whose brows are knit and eyes are downcast. His toe kicks at a small rock. 

"Be serious," you mutter. 

Jeongguk looks up at you, frowning. "I am serious."

You roll your eyes, reach for his hand, and begin to yank in the direction of a medium-sized rectangular freezer box covered in ice cream and snow cone stickers that is shaded by a tall red and white umbrella. The person working the stand wears a light blue jacket and slacks that match the color of the freezer box. 

The two of you get in line, and you realize you are still holding hands. Sweat drips from where your palms connect, and you attempt to pull away, but Jeongguk holds on tight. You feel gross as your wet skin slides against his, and you yank a little harder until he lets go.

Your mind wanders to Yoongi. Specifically, to Jeongguk and Yoongi. You wonder whether they hold hands as much as Jeongguk seems to want to hold yours. You like the idea of the two of them being so affectionate toward one another. 

There are two other people in line ahead of you, and you watch as a person in a sunflower sundress reaches for a tall paper cone with a ball of bright red ice on top, grabbing it with two eager hands. The person beside them pays and receives their own snow cone – that one orange – and then you take a step forward as the person ahead of you leans forward to place an order.

"You don't believe me," you hear Jeongguk pout, but it takes a moment for you to acknowledge his voice and realize that he is talking about seeing Yoongi inside the tent.

You snicker. "Of course I don't believe you. Nobody else saw anyone in that tent, much less someone who looked like Yoongi."

The person ahead of you in line steps away, and you and Jeongguk step forward. He orders a small cup of vanilla soft-serve ice cream and you order a lime-flavored snow cone, suddenly feeling drawn to how green it is on the display images. 

The attendant mutters about the total, which you can barely hear over the carnival songs that play nonstop and the shouting of people both near and far. You think you hear that it is 4,000 won, and you reach for your wallet, jabbing yourself in the hip with the sucker stick that you continue to hold onto, but Jeongguk swats your hand away before paying with his card. 

The two of you stand in silence, and you wait for the paper cone filled with ice and syrup to be placed into your hands. You lament briefly over not considering the flavors more closely, wondering if you should have picked a berry flavor over a citrus one. 

But when you take a frozen bite from the top, you are delighted by how bittersweet the lime flavor is – how different it is from the grape that lingers in sticky shards against your molars. It is perfectly refreshing for a hot summer day. 

As you walk away from the ice cream booth, you notice that Jeongguk seems to be moseying in the direction of the larger carnival tents rather than where you left the others back at the small weird tent. You have the urge to look over your shoulder to see whether they are still there, but something causes you to continue forward. Unease, you think, of what you may see if you look back there again.

The thought sends a shiver down your spine, and the little hairs on the back of your neck stand tall. Although the snow cone seems to be evening out your high despite the flavor being incredibly intense, your mind continues to race in strange directions. 

A lot has happened since you arrived here, and as much as you want to dwell on all the oddities and attempt to sort out what could be going on, something seems to be stopping you. It is as if each new event is being shoved into one of the various trunks you have seen inside each tent, and it is being locked away for safekeeping. 

You are aware of what is being placed inside the trunks, but without the key to allow you access to each one, your mind is not fully allowed to perceive anything. The notion that your mind palace has become a circus tent filled with trunks makes you snicker. 

You turn to Jeongguk, who has more or less inhaled his soft serve, using his tiny pink plastic spoon to scrape melted dredges from the bottom of the cup. He tips the edge of the paper cup back into his mouth and slurps the final drops, then lowers his arms to his sides and crumples it in his palm.

Suddenly, you feel self-conscious about the state of your own treat, and you wrap your lips around the small orange straw that sticks out from one of the sides and suck down melted ice and syrup. Cloying lime flavor bursts over your tongue, and you stop sucking in order to bite off some of the top ice that is more diluted in order to wash some of the taste away. 

Jeongguk stops in his tracks, and you look up from your lime-flavored ice as you do the same, turning your gaze to him. His eyes are wide, and he stares ahead.

You glance to where you imagine he is staring, but only see a crowd of people separating you from the tents, which are now just across from you, on the other side of a wide pathway. 

Looking to Jeongguk again, you ask, "What is it?"

"I told you I saw him," Jeongguk responds. He looks at you, lifts an eyebrow, then tilts his chin back to where he had been staring. "Look."

This time, when you follow his line of vision, you clearly see what – or, rather, who – Jeongguk was staring at. Standing beside the nearest red and white striped tent, wearing the same blue shirt and black slacks you last saw him in, is Yoongi. 

He seems to be staring back at you, and you blink heavily several times, unsure whether it really is him. 

Without another word, Jeongguk takes off walking briskly, twisting his body this way and that while narrowly avoiding strangers whose paths he cuts across. Your feet hesitate, then you begin to walk as well, more slowly and excusing yourself before stepping into someone's path, doing your best to keep your eyes on the back of Jeongguk's head and refrain from dropping your snow cone. 

Once you are out into the clearing, on the grass beside the large tent and no longer dodging passersby, you take several quick steps until you are standing beside Jeongguk, whose arms are outstretched and shaking. You feel overwhelmed, the sun is bright, and you squeeze your eyes closed before opening them and taking in the scene before you.

Yoongi stands still staring at Jeongguk, arms to his sides. His shoulders are in Jeongguk's hands, and although Jeongguk shakes Yoongi, shouting something you cannot make out, Yoongi just looks at him blankly, unmoving aside from the jostling he cannot control.

"Say something," Jeongguk demands. He shakes harder, and Yoongi moves along like a ragdoll. "Yoongi! Hyung, say something!"

Everything about this feels wrong. You absentmindedly drop what is left of your snow cone and reach up with two heavy hands to place them on the arm closest to you, yanking it away from Yoongi's shoulder. 

"Stop," you mutter weakly, eyes glued to Jeongguk's arm. "Jeongguk, stop."

Jeongguk drops his arms and then forcefully shakes your hands away from him. The harsh movement surprises you, and you take a step back, dizzy and concerned.

"This has nothing to do with you," Jeongguk says in a tone that feels hurt and angry and a myriad of other things.

You cannot bring yourself to look up, and instead, you stare at Jeongguk's black boots. "That's not— I just don't think you should be jerking him around like this," you say, almost to yourself as tears prickle your eyes.

Jeongguk scoffs. "Our relationship has nothing to do with you." His voice is calmer and quieter, but there is still an edge to it. "You're just a pretty little plaything we both enjoyed. Nothing more."

You shake your head. Jeongguk is understandably emotional, but you will not allow yourself to be pushed away so easily. "No. I care. You can't just—"

Jimin and Taehyung have appeared and are shouting while wrapping Yoongi in a hug. And then, in a blink, the sky is dim. It appears to be evening time, but the air holds the same oppressive heat. 

You feel disoriented from the sudden change and consider sitting down on the lime-sticky ground, but a familiar man clad in white appears before you, and you lift your head to find his head cocked, eyes watching you intently. 

"It is time," Jack says, lifting a hand and pivoting to point somewhat to the right, ahead of you.

You turn your gaze to find one of the Kim brothers rolling back the end of a large red and white tent flap and securing it so that it rests open. A black top hat on his head prevents you from telling which one he is until he lifts his head and his eyes meet yours. 

Namjoon stands clad in red and black. His gaze is soft and attentive and familiar in a way that makes your heart ache.

"Are you ready?" Jack asks. 

Trepidation fills you. "I don't know," you mutter.

Jack laughs. "Come, then," he says, placing his hand on your arm while his other hand continues to point toward the tent opening, which you can see from the periphery; your eyes are still on Namjoon. "No sense in wasting time."

You glance around and realize that Jeongguk and Yoongi are no longer standing nearby. The back of Jeongguk's head is with Jimin and Taehyung just ahead of you, in line to enter the tent, but you do not see Yoongi's tuft of dark hair with them. You attempt to look around, but the group of eager audience members has closed in on your right side, and you are unable to see past anyone.

You decide to keep up with your friends, and as you approach the entrance, Namjoon reaches a hand and takes one of yours. His warmth feels like home, and you stare at your hand in his. 

"After the show, I would like to speak with you," he says. "Come to the tent. Jack or Hoseok will show you the way."

You nod, eyes on Namjoon's hand, which gives yours a squeeze, and then lets go. As you look up, ready to ask why Namjoon wants to see you, he turns in a flash of red velvet and enters the tent ahead of you, walking briskly into the darkness on the left. You are ushered inside and to the right. 

Your group follows the familiar path by rote, along the back of tall wooden bleachers, then to the left and down a path leading to the front row, in an area where nobody else is seated. Seokjin is standing in front of the seats but on the stage floor, speaking with Hoseok, the twin in black. Jack stands on the outside of the row of seats, palm held upward, signaling where to go.

As Jimin settles, then Taehyung, and then Jeongguk, you realize there is definitely no Yoongi. The seat to your left is empty, and it is the last one in the row. You glance around, wondering whether he is off somewhere just in the distance. Perhaps, you think, he will join you once the show starts.

You turn to Jeongguk, who stares down at his open hands. His eyebrows are pinched, and he appears lost. 

"Jeongguk?" you ask, voice low and hushed.

"He just…disappeared," Jeongguk mutters.

You look around, watching as people fill the seats of the tent, then return your gaze to Jeongguk, who is unmoved. "What do you mean?"

Jeongguk blinks several times, then shakes his head in shallow movements. "I was shaking him. Telling him to say something. Anything." His voice is monotone. He almost sounds programmed to speak; emotionless. "Hoseok hyung said something to me, and I turned to look at him for only a moment, and when I turned again, Yoongi was gone. It was like he vanished into thin air."

The notion is so ridiculous, you feel your lips crack into a smile. You want to shove at Jeongguk and tell him to quit the act. "What do you mean, vanished? Your hands were on him. Didn't you feel him go?"

Jeongguk turns his gaze to you. His eyes are filled with tears, and he appears devastated. Your heart sinks at the sight of him – at the gravity of his gaze – and you tear your eyes away, to Seokjin standing about ten feet away on the stage floor watching you. 

Seokjin pulls his black top hat from his head and lowers his gaze as he bows. He wears a dark green jacket that matches Namjoon's red one, and as he stands up straight and places his hat back onto his head, he stares at you, grinning. 

The lights in the tent go out, but you continue to watch Seokjin's grin. A spotlight shines onto the center of the stage, behind Seokjin, and you want to lift your gaze and look – to confirm whether it is Namjoon standing in the spotlight – but your eyes remain glued to the devious smile before you. 

“Come one, come all!” Namjoon's voice calls, booming over the cheers and clapping of the audience. Seokjin lip-syncs along, matching Namjoon's timing perfectly. “Welcome to Carnival Bizarre! The greatest show in the world!”

A symbol crashes, piano keys pound in a cacophonic crescendo of sound, and you look up to find Namjoon standing in the spotlight, arms outstretched, with fireworks bursting and crackling up from his outstretched fingertips. 

When you look back to where Seokjin had just stood, nobody is there. You glance to the left, to the darkness of the bleachers across the path, then behind you as far as you can see, twisting this way and that, but no familiar faces greet you aside from Jeongguk, who watches ahead with tears in his eyes. 

Delicate piano music plays, and Namjoon holds his left arm out in front of him, palm downward. You see something shimmering below his hand, glinting in the spotlight, but you are unable to make out what it is.

A golden glow of light fills the area, not enough to brighten the tent, but enough to allow you to see faint shadows cast all over. They remind you of wooden drawing mannequins with rounded shapes for hands and feet, and ball joints between each limb. 

"Strings," Namjoon says, voice soft but booming in the surrounding speakers. You blink, returning your gaze to him, and you think that you can make out thick, dark strings hanging from Namjoon's fingertips that glimmer in the spotlight. Namjoon dances his fingers up and down, causing the strings to jump and sway, and you stare intently. "I control them with my movements. Small and deliberate. I make them dance."

All around, the silhouettes dance. Their legs spread strangely, and their arms jerk around, showing that they are all being controlled by strings. Your eyes move from left to right, watching the figures move, until you notice something.

To the right of Namjoon is a large dark mass. It is mostly in shadow, hard to make out, and you stare and stare until finally, you realize that it is a large piano. The music that plays throughout the space is predominantly that of a piano, and you squint and strain your eyes, trying to see whether someone is sitting before this one, but you see nobody.

"Will my lovely volunteer please join me?" Namjoon asks, and you tear your gaze back to him, then glance eagerly around the dark tent. 

A new spotlight shines behind Namjoon, just to the right, past the piano. There, a figure stands near an entrance across the way that you imagine could lead to the backstage area. The figure has short, dark hair, but his head is tilted downward. He makes you think of Yoongi.

He wears a dark blue fitted jacket with rows of gold down the front that you imagine may be frog knots – hussar style. But from this distance, feeling as high as you are, it is hard to be certain. 

"Yoongi?" Jeongguk mutters, adjusting in his seat and making you glance to your right. 

Jeongguk frowns, and you open your mouth to speak, but your attention returns to the center of the tent as piano music picks up to a medium tempo and you notice Namjoon moving his hands. 

It appears as if Namjoon is only lifting certain fingers, causing certain strings to respond. And, it appears as if with each movement, one of the legs of the volunteer moves, causing him to walk forward into the space. 

In fact, you think you can see something shimmering in long strings from the tops of the man's black shoes, from the backs of his hands, and from the crown of his head. But as your vision moves upward, the strings seem to disappear. It is some illusion, indeed. 

"Small movements are easy to control with just my fingers," Namjoon says.

He raises his right hand and seems to touch two of the strings hanging from his left. You notice the arms of the volunteer sway. The man truly appears as if he is a puppet being manned by Namjoon, and there is a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that this may not be an illusion. 

Heavy-blinking and shaking your head, you attempt to clear away the errant thoughts and focus solely on the show. Of course, the man is not really a volunteer. Clearly, this is a practiced routine between two actors. 

As the man approaches the piano at the center of the floor, it is hard not to notice all the ways in which he reminds you of Yoongi. The hair seems a little shorter – a little straighter than he had been wearing it. But his broad shoulders and large hands…his lithe waist and long legs…the resemblance is there. 

And then you remember it: the card Seokjin handed you while inside Namjoon's tent. There was a figure with dark brown hair wearing a blue jacket, and he was playing a piano. The bottom of the card read, The Fool.   

"Large movements, however…" Namjoon trails off.

The man stops just before the instrument – which you now realize is an organ. Namjoon raises his right hand at the same time his left hand makes a sudden movement, and all at once, the man lifts his head and a round curtain falls around him and the organ, causing you to gasp. 

Namjoon continues, "Large movements, I must control with my mind."

You sit up straight, holding your breath, certain that it has to be Yoongi behind that curtain. 

"This volunteer of mine is a regular man," Namjoon insists, using his right hand to lift the hat from his head and tip it as he makes a small curtsey motion, showing that he is a man of his word. A gentleman. "He has no formal training, and he has never visited this circus before. He is—"

Namjoon stands up straight and looks forward. You think, directly at you. 

"—a stranger."

There is a harshness to Namjoon's tone that is matched by a solemn note echoing throughout the tent, though you do not think it is from the organ behind the curtain. The music is soft and fleeting, arriving and dissipating for dramatic effect, likely from a soundboard backstage. 

And then, the music is gone entirely. Silence hangs, save for your heaving, anxious breaths.

"Volunteer," Namjoon says magnanimously. You and Jeongguk shift in your seats. "Play Passacaglia in D minor by Dieterich Buxtehude."

The round curtain lifts with the movement of Namjoon's hand, and sitting before you in a blue hussar jacket adorned with golden embroidery, is Yoongi. He begins his song the moment he is commanded to do so, and with the organ angled just so, you can see his hands moving over the keys. Namjoon's right hand sways in small conductor movements, up to the center and down to the side, as if keeping Yoongi's tempo.

Shimmering strings appear to jut out from Yoongi's hands and the crown of his head. You swallow thickly, watching Yoongi play, never making a single mistake, as if he has practiced this song over and over again. All around, in the periphery, you can see that the silhouetted mannequins are dancing.

Your heart is a caged animal thrumming behind your ribs. The song Yoongi plays is somewhat slow-paced, with both bright sounds and sad ones, tugging you between highs and lows, making you feel extremely unsettled. There is a sort of discordant nature to the song that strikes a deep, hollow longing inside you, as well as a sense of hopefulness. 

You wonder whether Jeongguk is as enraptured as you, feeling the same way you may, but you do not turn your gaze. You do not dare so much as blink for fear of Yoongi disappearing again.

"Faster, now," Namjoon commands, moving his hand much more quickly. Yoongi's tempo increases, matching Namjoon's movements. Although you do not take your eyes off Yoongi, it is clear that the shadows are moving faster, too. 

Lights swirl, and there is something like glitter sparkling in the air, threatening to distract you, but you do not fall prey to the petty tricks of the illusionist. You sit on the edge of your seat, elbows digging hard into your upper thighs, mouth dry and hung open, and you watch intently.

"That's it," Namjoon says, speeding his movements again. "Faster, now! Faster!" 

Although you can still hear the song that was playing earlier – can still make out the familiar modular rhythm and predict each sound that comes next – it is harsh and cacophonic. Dizzying. At last, you blink and lick your lips. Your shoulders are tense and raised, and you breathe slowly, nearly holding your breath.

Around you, the shadows are tangled and chaotic, and it is impossible not to avert your gaze whenever a head rolls or a limb snaps. You think you hear wood splintering and cracking, and although Yoongi is made of flesh and bone, you worry for him.

Namjoon shouts, "Enough!" and uses the fingers of his right hand shaped like scissors to cut beneath his left hand, where strings would be hanging from his fingertips. 

Yoongi falls limp and the song ends in an abrupt crash as his hands and forehead meet the keys. You gasp. Beside you, Jeongguk stands up from his seat.

The round curtain falls over Yoongi and the organ, and the spotlight cuts out, leaving just the one on Namjoon glowing. There are no silhouettes on the walls.

All around you, shimmering silver strings fall like snow from the ceiling, landing on your hair and in your lap, draping over your limbs and creating a sort of mist that obfuscates the stage just long enough for everything but Namjoon to disappear. 

Jeongguk looks as if he is about to jump over the shin-high wooden railing and down onto the floor in search of his boyfriend. He grumbles and fights with Taehyung, who appears to be holding him in place and muttering something low and angry. 

On the stage, Namjoon lifts both arms, which are covered in silver strings, and he bows. The audience stands, claps, and cheers. You feel glued to your seat. 

Upbeat organ music plays and the lights come up, but it is only when Hoseok appears clad in black before you, that you move. You heavy-blink, eyes struggling to take in the brightness of the overhead lighting while silver glitters all around you. The air feels heavy and oppressive, and you are suddenly eager to leave.

"Kim Namjoon would love to see the two of you," Hoseok says, eyes trailing between Jeongguk and you. Then he glances further past Jeongguk, to Taehyung and Jimin, adding, "If you don't mind."

You neither hear nor see their responses. Hoseok steps over the wooden railing and walks past you along the path, leading the way. Jeongguk walks without waiting for you, slamming into your right and causing you to trip as you twist to follow. Then he wraps his arms around you, pinning your arms to your sides and steadying you, causing you to flush hot from head to toe. 

Hoseok does not wait, and you hurry ahead, yanking from Jeongguk's arms to make your way along the path. Rather than turning right, to the entrance, he turns left. You follow Hoseok into the darkness, around the inner perimeter of the tent, toward an opening from which a red light glows. 

Your stomach churns, and you swallow the trepidation that builds and builds. Behind you, Jeongguk mutters, "Where are we going?" but you do not have the answer, so you pay him no mind and continue forward. 

Before you can worry further, Namjoon appears in the doorway. His gaze is soft and inviting, causing your worry to dissipate. As if being pulled on a leash, you hurry to him, stopping only when the toes of your shoes meet the tips of his. 

Namjoon looks at you with reverence, smiling softly. Then he looks past you, expression painted over with something more neutral and polite. He nods to Jeongguk, then pivots to walk into the red light. 

"This way," he says, leading you through a hallway to the wall of the tent, which he reaches for and pulls away, revealing the outside world, which is still somewhat dim and feels like the evening. There is another tent opening just across from this one, which Namjoon steps inside of, pausing in its entryway to wait for you and Jeongguk.

You turn in time to see Namjoon pull the tent flap down. You watch as it seemingly disappears and becomes the tent wall; no seams or hems giving its edge away.

"I have something that the two of you must see," Namjoon says, walking toward his desk on the right side. You realize that in the past, you have entered on the opposite end of the tent, and you gaze around at the newfound view, taking in the trunks and clothing to the left, the piles of books to the right, the bed just ahead.

"Where is Yoongi?" Jeongguk insists, walking past you to Namjoon. Jeongguk stands up straight, squaring his shoulders, and you notice a tremor in his balled fists. 

Namjoon appears unfazed and simply blinks at Jeongguk before belatedly offering him a friendly smile. 

"Yoongi is safe. Once he is finished backstage, you will see him again."

"Finished with what?" Jeongguk demands, chest heaving. "What is he doing back there?"

Namjoon turns to face you and lifts a hand, beckoning you forward. You had not realized you stopped walking about halfway, and you slowly make your way toward the two of them, each step feeling heavy. 

You approach and round the desk somewhat, putting the bed behind you, keeping it from view. The bed brings back flashes of Seokjin's hypnosis show and cause your cheeks to burn hot, so you do your best to tamp the images down. Jeongguk stands to your right, anger pouring from him as he waits for a response.

"Take this, ducky," Namjoon says. "Peer into this mirror and tell me what you see."

Sound becomes fuzzy, and you lean forward as Namjoon lifts a mirror from his desk and holds it out to you, cradling it carefully in both hands. It is an oval hand mirror with an ornate brass frame and handle. 

You take the mirror in both hands, gripping it tightly around the handle while the fingertips of your left hand cradle the back. At first, you only see your face. But then, you see something in the reflection behind you, hanging from the ceiling.

Pale limbs are wrapped in bright red rope. The patterns and knots appear artistically done.

"Rope," you mutter, squinting and tilting the mirror past your own face. For a split second, you glance over your shoulder, expecting to see the suspended visitor, but all you see is an empty space beside Namjoon's bed.

Looking at the mirror again, you hold it so close that your breath fogs the glass. You think that you can see dark hair hanging on one side, and pale feet on the other. Once again, the figure you see reminds you of Yoongi. 

"Is that…a body?"

"Yours?" Namjoon asks.

You shake your head. "Not mine."

"Interesting," he says. "Good. This is good."

You look up, over the edge of the mirror, to Namjoon. Silver strings hang from your hair and glimmer over your eyes, and you think about pale limbs wrapped in red rope – about the snowfall of silver strings inside the tent. 

His gaze is on you, and there is an easy smile on his lips. You tilt your head, asking, "What is it?"

Namjoon watches you, eyes slowly darting back and forth as if taking you in and deciding what to say. His soft, familiar gaze returns and your body yearns for him. Curiosity and arousal simmer through you, and you cannot help but stare directly into his dark brown eyes – sharp as a dragon's but deep as the sea.

"Try as I may to weave the strands together in any order I wish," Namjoon responds, lips down turning to a gentle frown, "you are the one who chooses the order of the strands. I am merely a conduit."

Namjoon's words roll over you in a tall, slow wave. They crash, covering you and breaking around your feet, only to dissipate into nothing. He is speaking in sentences you should be able to parse easily – uses phrases that some part of you understands. 

But you know that there must be a deeper meaning, and that part of you who you are certain knows what that meaning is, feels buried, somehow, and all you can do is blink owlishly and mutter, "Huh?"

Namjoon laughs a soft quiet sound that dies in his mouth but twists his lips into a beautiful, genuine smile. You stare, confused as ever, waiting for some sort of explanation. 

"Jeongguk," Namjoon says instead, reaching for the mirror and taking it from your grasp. 

You feel caught in a daze as you allow the mirror to be taken, putting up no resistance. Your arms fall limply to your sides.

Jeongguk does not handle the mirror with care. Rather, he grips it on both sides, thumbs digging into the glass as he peers into it. At first, he appears angry and impatient. But then his eyes widen with fear, and his hands begin to shake. 

"Jeongguk?" you ask, stepping forward. 

Jeongguk shakes harder, his grip on the mirror turning his fingers white. You reach for it, but stop your movement when you hear the sharp sound of the glass cracking.

Namjoon lets out a sigh and says, "Oh, dear."

You glance from Namjoon to Jeongguk and notice a jagged red line opening across Jeongguk's forehead, over the bridge of his nose, and down to his cheek. Jeongguk gasps, lets out a crazed shout, and opens his hands. 

"This is no good," Namjoon says as the mirror crashes to the floor. 

* * *

My blossoms are falling What a strange feeling When it's so early in the year As soon as they are flowers They go and leave forever Sweet blossom Where is your tree? * Their happiness will shine Their happiness will grow And I hope you don't mind if I let them go

🎵 visit the playlist!

HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💜💜💜 i am no longer going to promise to be back sooner bc it is always a lie. 💀 i had the writer's block/getting straight As/grief trifecta all year, but i am............well, i shouldn't even say it bc i don't wanna jinx it but i hope i am back??? god, this chapter was so much fun to write and it genuinely invigorated something so 🤞🤞🤞 fingers fricken crossed.

POLLS WILL GO UP SOON!!! i only have one so far that is planned, but i am going to outline a bit and see what other fates i can place in your hands. polls will run for 7 days and i will do my best to reblog!!!

thanks for your patience. i love you. i have missed you.

COMMENTS AND REBLOGS MEAN THE WORLD, AND LIKES ARE APPRECIATED, TOO!!! STAY HYDRATED. 🤍

tags will be in a separate reblog! 🎪 visit the master post to read the disclaimer & request to be tagged! tag list includes the polls!!!

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Carnival of Terror is a Goosebumps-inspired fic, copyright theharrowing 2023 - 2024. no translations or reposting allowed!

[yanderes-galore]

Romantic Yandere Simon/PL600 (Detroit: Become Human) with Apathetic!Fem!Darling who can’t feel or comprehend emotions properly and it’s kinda perfect for the job at the Detroit Police Department to catch and interrogate deviants, no matter how much it freaks most people/androids out (especially her partner Gavin Reed), but Simon wants nothing more than to take care her. Maybe even try to help her with that apathy issue as well. Hopefully he’s a bit milder compared to Daniel.

Simon is definitely softer than Daniel. I mention a human and android darling briefly as I don't think you gave specifics? AU where Simon gets captured. This was a bit difficult for me as I'm not used to apathetic darlings but I tried ^^; Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I wasn't sure what to do but gave it my all!

Yandere! Simon (PL600) with Apathetic! Fem! Darling

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Female Darling, Obsession, Stockholm syndrome implied, Delusional behavior, Kidnapping, Manipulation, Forced relationship.

I feel the only way for Simon to meet you in this case is if he was captured during some sort of mission with Markus.

Your job is to hunt deviants and your closed off nature helps with that.

This concept works for both human and android darlings.

Both humans and android/deviants tend to feel uneasy around you.

You're so... cold?

You don't seem to care about much except for one thing; your job.

Catching deviants is typically done with help, Connor and Hank tend to be more skilled in that area.

You tend to find their locations.

Your partner Gavin tends to help with interrogation.

Although you don't typically need help.

Simon most likely doesn't fall for you right off.

After all, you're technically an enemy of deviants who has ordered for his arrest.

Simon is probably a little intimidated by you.

When he's arrested after being captured an separated from Markus, he meets you.

Your eyes are cold and you look bored.

If you're a human he at first sees you as a threat.

If you're an android then he feels saddened, wondering if you'll be able to join their cause or not.

Your interactions are very minimal at first.

You interrogate him and keep him in captivity.

Gavin asks you why you don't just have Simon dismantled.

You tell him to not rush things and that Simon is the closest lead you have to tracking more deviants.

Simon is thankful you're at least being merciful.

But maybe he should've been shut down.

Simon himself is calm, quiet, and reserved.

He's loyal to his cause and often shuts up when you ask him questions.

You're harsh in questioning at times, even when you don't mean it.

It's strange to Simon that you can't comprehend emotions at times.

The android should hate you.

If you're a human then he should despise you but he's always had a neutral feeling towards them. With you he feels... strange.

If you're an android he already wants to change you.

You could experience so much more if you just let him show you.

This obsession would be rather slow due to you not being all that receptive.

Simon is a bit relieved you keep him running, even in a cell.

He doesn't get much except watching others through a reinforced glass door.

As a result he often sees you through the door, when you're not interrogating him.

Simon is a much softer yandere than Daniel.

He doesn't often resort to violence and when his obsession starts it's very subtle when it grows.

Simon develops some form of stockholm syndrome over time the longer you keep him.

He's being kept like a hostage, someone used for information and leverage.

Despite the situation he slowly develops some sort of fascination towards you.

It's most likely due to a sense of loneliness.

You're the only one he really has contact with, even if you not the most emotive.

Part of him holds a twisted sense of curiosity, wondering why you act such a way.

Past trauma perhaps? Or maybe you've always been this way?

What he does know is he prefers your neutral personality compared to Gavin's personality.

Speaking of which, Gavin tends to mess with you.

Simon often hears about it/sees it when you and Gavin interact.

It's like there's something between you two and normally Simon wouldn't care.

But as he watches and the longer he sits in isolation... he feels envy.

He isn't sure why, could be the companionship or the fact he's grown attached to you...

He just knows he hates Gavin around you.

Simon is in no position to dictate what you do.

In fact for awhile he probably won't.

If you're an android things are easier.

He can convince you of his cause if he makes you deviant, then he can focus on making you less apathetic.

If you're human there's no easy way to convince you of anything.

But he still wants to try.

When Simon grows attached he wishes he could care for you, even if you're a human.

Despite your apathy and tendencies not to care, you sometimes check in despite the cold tone in your voice.

He has a feeling, even if it is delusional, that you care about him.

So he'll hold onto the thought.

I feel once an obsession is established Simon will try to reach out to you.

Questioning becomes an attempt to connect with you.

He wants to learn about you even though you're trying to learn about his friends.

Simon quickly becomes unresponsive when Gavin is in the room, but when he leaves and you're alone Simon will respond.

The relationship between you two is definitely unhealthy.

Simon sees you, technically his captor, as someone he can change.

Maybe he can make you more open to deviants likes him.

Maybe he can make you less apathetic and more expressive.

If this is how it feels to care and adore someone... then he has to have you.

I feel Simon's feelings can climax in one of two ways.

Maybe Markus plans a breakout mission to rescue Simon or Simon is released when androids are accepted by society.

Let's explore the first way.

Perhaps the police department is stormed by deviants and Simon is freed.

Due to his mental state, Simon feels like he can't just leave you.

Markus sees Simon's hesitant and asks him what's wrong.

"There's this woman I met while here... I can't just leave her be."

"It's dangerous to take anyone back with us, you know that!"

"She's different, I swear! I... want to know more about her-"

With a lengthy discussion soon Markus approves of you being taken in.

Now the roles have switched.

Against your will you're essentially taken in as a hostage just like Simon was.

You're quickly accepted if you're a deviant, but not really if you're a human.

Despite this... Simon feels it's his turn to care for you.

He won't interrogate you, he'll try to treat you like he does the rest of the deviants.

He tries to make you more emotive but it's difficult.

Simon wants to change you like you did him.

He wants to love you even if he's hated for it.

He's much more caring than Daniel, another PL600 model.

He provides you with what you need and keeps you cuffed to run.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he just cuffed you to himself.

It's clear after his capture Simon has grown more unstable.

He tells you how much he loves you and how he forgives you for what you did before.

He tries to kiss you and show his twisted adoration for you, he wants you to so desperately react.

In reality you struggle to process, well, everything.

You don't know what emotions are appropriate, you don't know how to react...

All you know is the android you interrogated before now has you cuffed to him at all times, rambling about love that you doubt he feels.

That's one way Simon can express his adoration.

Then there's if androids are accepted into society.

You expect to live your own life and just be alone after you release Simon.

No... guess not.

Simon instead wants to be closer to you and wants your help in finding a way to start a new life.

You try to tell him no but he's persistent.

I feel Simon is definitely a yandere who wants to be caring as a PL600.

PL600's tend to be caretakers which would explain Simon's tendency to care and be loyal to others.

He dedicates himself to "fixing" his darling one way or another.

He isn't sure how to teach emotions but he tries.

He never leaves your side and often speaks to Markus and North about you.

Simon refers to you as his girlfriend and partner, always looking giddy while saying it.

He tries his best to show you he loves you, often attempting physical affection to see your reaction.

He doesn't understand why you're so apathetic but him forcing himself into your life certainly doesn't help.

Essentially by the height of his obsession Simon has swapped roles with you.

You become the hostage and he the captor.

Overall I feel Simon loves you the same but tries to teach you to have more emotions.

He really does want to help.

Simon isn't really possessive but he can be jealous.

He hates Gavin around you and often glares at him, even if androids are "accepted".

Simon would be the type of yandere to lock you away and care for you himself.

He doesn't care what he has to go through to reach your needs and change your apathy...

He'd give his girlfriend the world if he could.

But once he has you he'll never let you go out of his sight.

[saganssorcery]

Hello! My name is Sagan, and today I figured I would talk a little about myself:

This is me! I am a British 30 year old practitioner of magick and many forms of divination, all of which you will see me posting about on my blog.

I was named after the scientist Carl Sagan. He has been a massive influence in my life despite him likely disagreeing with a lot of what I personally practice. You will see me honouring this connection with my weekly "#sagan says". Nonetheless he has profoundly influenced my ideas and how I personally approach the occult:

I am a Chaos Magick practitioner, I use belief as a tool and swap paradigms at a click of my fingers. I try to keep my work as grounded in reality as possible and use the scientific method when approaching my divinations and magick:

As you likely know I am a full time Tarot reader, but I specialise in many other divination techniques such as the Celtic Ogam, Astrology, Norse Runes, Animal Spirits and of course Angels and Demons.

My practice goes back to when I was very small, I have always in one way or another practiced the magickal arts. Before I became a chaos magick practitioner I was already studying occult arts such as Qabbala, Hermetics, and Thelema, though I've never been a thelemite, (apart from being someone who follows their will), these traditions have taught me a lot. As a Chaos Magickian I take most everything I study with a grain of salt and it will be very rare to ever find me sucking up to any kind of spiritual guru. I hold being an individual and thinking for yourself in extremely high regard. Magick is a deeply personal thing, and while following tradition can be important and fun to experiment with, what I'm gonna do is see if it actually works for me: ✨ Fuck around and find out ✨

In a more individualistic mode of Magick I create a lot of sigils and have gained very interesting results from this practice, same goes for servitors.

I have a deep interest in Goetia using this system often in my personal practice. I treat all spirits with respect and without fear. I often find that people who have negative experiences with demons often have a fearful paradigm in connection with them. If you approach them with fear it's likely you'll receive fear fueled results. I treat these types of spirits like I would any other in my practice. That's not to say don't protect yourself but when you're asking something for help you shouldn't be fearful of the results.

I also have a very deep interest in history and mythology, I use many many different pantheons in regards to my Magick and have absolutely no time for gate keeping. All traditions, no matter what your ethnicity, were made by humans for humans. It's the greatest insult to me to keep any tradition locked away from others due to a sense of primitive tribalism. Though when using systems outside of your territory please use them with the deepest respect of their purposes and meanings. Using spiritual items as pure aesthetics is not respectful to the people who hold these things as deeply personal and sacred. With this in mind you will see me posting texts and deities from all across the globe. I am a humanist and see all of humanity as a family, but like with all families some of course have the wrong ideas about certain things. I respect humanity deeply and wish to see us as a species go as far as we can spiritually as well as physically, exploring the universe.

I hope this gave you a decent idea of what I am about and I am excited to post more of my practice here as a result. My interactions with all of you so far on Tumblr have been beautiful. Thank you so much for letting me get to know you a little better. ✨🙏✨

[sasubaeuchithot]

I fear that it's inevitable, you'll be tortured with Asks at least until I'm done with ks 🤷‍♀️

I haven't even started Gaara's chapter. Ngl I'm a little terrified by how slowly I'm reading through the kizunaverse (I usually inhale what I read. I once read 865k in three days, and then did it again in four days after a few months (it was crimson rivers. and I had absolutely no life outside of that during that long weekend. #worth it) but I'm savouring every single bit of each chapter and I'm trying to stretch it out for as long as humanly possible lmao

The forehead kiss. The FOREHEAD KISS. Naruto, the man that you are.

It's like, when I see how tenderly and carefully he handles Sasuke my heart just melts into a puddle of longing. He loves him so much it's no less than what Sas deserves I will combust

Besides that, I think one of the coolest things about ks is that it becomes clear that Sasuke can often be an unreliable narrator, especially when he's trying to read how other people see him (Gaara being the prime example).

And while of course kh isn't the first thing I've read that has an unreliable third-person narrator, exactly because of the sequel and the spot on characterization (won't ever catch me not complimenting that), it's the first time I can see it so clearly, in a way that feels natural and gives a more well-rounded understanding of the story and each participant

(I won't even try lmao. You'll probably get more of these when I'm done with my responsibilities for the day and can rot in my bed)

unreliable narration is so important to literature told through a character's pov. you can't really write over-the-shoulder third person without it, otherwise you create a character who's omniscient and then you're no longer over-the-shoulder. every human being alive experiences life with their own unreliable narration dictating their version of reality, so if you want to write realistically you have to understand where a character's personality would affect their perspective of the story. sasuke does a lot of judging of other characters, and while he is pretty good at it, he's definitely not perfect. he's also very stubborn and will deny his reality if he gets too flustered by it. kizuna shiten was a great exercise for me to practice that aspect of writing. the specific way each character is unreliable is what gives each chapter tone of voice, making them distinctly different.

someone like kakashi will view other characters like they're all on their last leg with him, someone like orochimaru will view every interaction like it's juicy drama, someone like iruka will view everyone like someone who needs help and guidance. kurama is annoyed by everyone lol. ect. i really enjoyed finding everyone's tone of voice.

fun fact, Naruto's voice was the hardest for me. which makes sense, because he's always the perfect opposite to sasuke, whose voice comes the most naturally to me.

[gibbearish]

"Am I Trans?" UQuiz Masterpost

hey there folks, my pinned was getting a bit unwieldy so i figured itd be prudent to set up this landing pad for uquiz visitors. this is not the FAQ, that is still in the works, this is just the intro stuff moved to its own post.

so, with all that out of the way, welcome! my asks and messages are currently OPEN and response times are SLOW. i will be updating this post on a regular basis, so if that says open then you can rest assured it is still current. or if it's not and i forgot to update it, that's on me, not you.

before anything else, i do just want to make it extremely, deeply, incredibly, achingly, transparently clear that i am not in any way a certified / licensed gender therapist. i do not have any training, nor is there an ethics board with which you can take up a complaint if i end up misreading things. i am simply a trans person on the internet who noticed a couple years ago that there were pretty much no "am i trans" quizzes that i could find that werent uhhh let's say unhelpful, and so i made my own, using my own feelings and experiences as a starting point. i may misread you, i may project myself or previous visitors onto you, i may get frustrated with you, i may be wrong about you. i ask that you try to give me grace, to remember that i am human, and to proceed at your own risk.

i take these conversations very seriously and want to be as thorough as possible, but that takes a good deal of work / effort / energy to do well, and as i am currently over a year into a massive depressive episode, that all compounds into long response times. which i do understand can be frustrating, feeling like you're waiting for someone's permission to be yourself (although if that is how it makes you feel, consider what that might say about the answer - i am not actually holding you back from anything by not responding. you can be trans, you don't need my permission or anyone else's. only your own), but i ask for patience, and that you please refrain from spamming me every time i come online. playing stardew valley is a lot less taxing than doing bootleg internet therapy. i haven't forgotten about you, i just havent found the right words yet.

in the meantime, i would recommend a quick scroll through my #uquibberish tag, which contains any asks from other uquiz visitors as well as posts i think are thematically relevant to a lot of these conversations. who knows, maybe you'll find that the answers you seek are very similar to the answers i've given another.

one thing to note is that asks do take a good deal less mental energy to respond to given the more one-and-done nature, so responses to those will likely be faster than for DMs, however i won't be able to get as personal (unless you give me a lot to work with, please do not feel self conscious about sending long asks/messages, they really are quite helpful in terms of giving me stuff to analyze). i also sometimes get a little silly with the ask responses, however i will still always make sure to include a real answer of some sort in the tags.

that all being said, i really do need to stress the fact that i am a real person you are talking to. i am not a gender therapy chatbot and i am not paid to do this. i do this because i want to help, but in order to do that successfully, i need your help as well. i do not know you as a person beyond the things that you tell me, and i am both unable and unwilling to simply assign you a new gender, to pluck your "true" gender out of your head. usually, all i really end up doing is pointing out what things are holding you back from the answer you already know. if you are unwilling to tell me anything about your thoughts and feelings, then i'm sorry, but i'm just. not going to be able to help you out very much. figuring out who you are is something that is difficult and takes a lot of introspection, and is something that you may even never actually get a solid answer on. the question you should be asking is not "what am i, really?" but "what do i want to be? what would it make me happy to be? how would i like to exist in my time on this earth?"

now, with all of that out of the way, i do also know that it can be difficult to know where to start, so here is a rough list of things that i've found helpful in the past. you do not need to provide any of these if you are not comfortable doing so, they are here exclusively to give ideas on where to start. now, with that out of the way:

- age range: to be clear, i do not need to know your exact age and you should always be wary of someone who asks for that. that being said, a general range can be pretty helpful for me to contextualize your message to your stage of life. like, think "middle school vs. high school vs. college or older" type general range.

- similarly, what country/state you live in, and if non-US, a bit about your local political climate vis a vis trans people. once again i do not want or need your exact location and you should be wary of those who try to get it from you, but for a lot of people, the main thing holding them back from transitioning is that the world simply isn't a safe place for trans people at the moment, so knowing if that is in play can be very helpful. I am a USAmerican and have a pretty good grasp of which way the states here tend to lean, and have a much rougher grasp on other countries. I don't want to go into this with some wildly propagandized version of your home in my head and would much prefer to get my information about it from you, the person being actively affected.

- your quiz answer and how it made you feel: with this one the important part is really the second part. i said this in the quiz itself but it bears repeating, i do not have any knowledge of how to properly weight the answers in a personality test, i assigned each answer a result (or multiple results) based entirely on vibes. that being said, if you are now having a lot of complicated feelings about your result, those feelings are the ones we're going to be examining. whether you've been having these feelings for a long time or they only just recently started, if you've been quizhopping searching for an answer (and if there's been a common denominator among those answers that you're avoiding looking in the eye), what the shape of those feelings are, that's the kind of thing we're going to be looking at. don't feel bad if you can't see the feelings themselves yet, this is an exercise in finding the negative space. the thing about facing the things you don't want to face is that you don't want to face them, which sounds obvious put like that, but like. you can't look straight at the sun without the right glasses. not without hurting yourself. the things your brain hides from you, takes away your ability to look at, are hidden for a reason, there is something that is scaring you, something you are defending against, a knot that must be unraveled before we can continue unwinding the thread. it's ok if all you can do for now is point to where the knot is.

- what name you used on the quiz and what day you took it: uquiz allows you to view individual quiz taker's results so if you are comfortable with it, i'm happy to take a peek through to see if there are any trends. as i write this the quiz is sitting at good god, 13000 takers, so if you keysmashed a name unfortunately it has probably been lost to the sands of time :( that being said...

- any questions / answers that hit especially hard: here is a link to a google doc where i've compiled all the questions and answers as reference, so this way if we can't find your quiz or you don't want to share the whole thing, we still have a pretty good starting point on which parts apply to you (side note, i also have a feedback form, however i couldnt think of very many specific questions to ask so just put in two textboxes for you to put your suggestions in)

- family dynamics: as with the country of origin question, something that can hold a lot of trans people back from transitioning is pressure from their family to. well. to not do that, so knowing if that is contributing can be very helpful

- friend dynamics: same as above, some people are held back by the potential reaction of their friendgroup, or alternatively are certain their friends would react positively but still can't shake that feeling, and figuring out if that fear is warranted can be a huge stepping stone in this.

that's all i have for now, though this post may be subject to changes as time goes on. as i said before i am also (slowly) working on a FAQ, so hopefully soon we'll have a way to bridge the response time gap. in the meantime, i hope this was helpful, and i do again highly recommend taking a look through the #uquibberish tag to see if any past questions/answers might apply to you as well. thanks!

(last edited 9/8/24)

[leviathan-supersystem]

Finally asking this cuz u might be one of the only ppl on tumblr who knows what I'm talking about but do you know about "apes"/the financial conspiracies surrounding gamestop and other "meme" stocks (bed bath n beyond, amc, etc.) post 2021? I always think of ur ideas about "fiction brain" wrt them cuz so much of it is this delusional qanon-esque "we're the protags/good guys so everyone's out to get us but everything will go our way in the end and all this convoluted cinematic secret-message coded bullshit makes total absolute sense cuz thats how it is in the movies" but no one on reddit knows what fiction brained means and no one on tumblr knows/cares about stocks or the weird cult that formed up after the meme stock frenzy unless they're also on reddit so I feel like there's no one to talk about the overlap 😫 TLDR I want so badly to hear your thoughts about it but assuming u dk what I'm talking about maybe check out r/gme_meltdown if u wanna see what it looks like when fiction brain makes ppl throw their whole lives away- extremely sad but also a fascinating and powerful example of how media completely distorts some people's views of reality...

definitely seems like fictionbrain might be affecting them, although i don't know for sure what specific work of fiction might be affecting them.

to be clear, there's a difference between fictionbrain and just being wrong and stupid and gullible- these guys could be the former, but until i can find evidence that they got this way by trying to learn about real life purely through fiction, i can't rule out the latter.

another concept i've had cooking in my brain that might be useful here is "reality shear"- when someone's worldview and reality come into conflict, and the person undergoing this experience either updates their worldview, or tries to ignore the inconvenient reality, or they just freak out and act like a deranged little weirdo. one of the three.

a big part of any given debate is trying to draw the conversation into territory where they experience reality shear, and move it away from territory where you experience reality shear. obviously also you should update and revise your worldview in response to the material facts until you experience as little reality shear as possible, but as we are merely human, it's unlikely that you'll be able to completely avoid it, no matter how nuanced and complex and empirically sound your worldview is you'll still occasionally encounter information that makes you go "well shit, don't know." and if your opponent successfully manages to draw the debate toward any of those subjects you're screwed.

anyways this got wildly off topic, but the concept of "reality sheer" has been bouncing in my head for a while in regard to like, debate tactics, and it seemed possibly more relevant to your example than fictionbrain (though fictionbrain may also be relevant)

[mossy-tendencies]

Saw your posts about your tma hlvrai au and it seems really interesting! I have my own thoughts on what characters fit each entity. I think Tommy's an Eye avatar rather than a Lonely, he's literally read all of Wikipedia, reads entire OSHA guidelines and only does what he reads in books. Plus he can "see faster." I could see why someone would think he's Lonely because he's an orphan but Eye seems the better choice. Desolation is a good choice for Bubby, but I raise you, Extinction Bubby. I headcanon that the Extinction doesn't choose avatars, but creates avatars because the Extinction is about fear of self made destruction and replacement of humanity. Creating an artifical perfect scientist and having it backfire is very Extinction-aligned in my opinion. Also, he likes nuclear waste. I personally believe Coomer's is Vast. He went into the void and had an existential crisis after finding out his insignificant in the world and I think that eclipses the Flesh body modifications aspects. I agree with your Slaughter Gordon and Spiral Benrey. I haven't thought of what entity Forzen is so I'll accept Hunt. I don't know why you thought Darnold is Corruption, he doesn't have any bugs or disease connections and I don't really see the toxic relationships aspect either (I personally think he's Flesh because of the fingernail-handgun potion). Thoughts?

HI HI! thank you for your ask and for indulging me in my Autism. let me explain my fanon nonsense.

going in order,

i see tommy as an avatar of the lonely because a big part of his narrative (the one i wrote lol) is being deserted by his dad. his dad is an avatar of the eye from the beginning, naturally, resulting in a need to, oh y'know, experiment on his son. learn more about the fears with government-funded isolation to make the perfect avatar. the eye has a stake on tommy in this au, yes (in my notes i have it written as "Avatar of the Lonely [Possible secondary: Eye]"), but the lonely won in the end. the turning point for all the avatars is something i call the Fear Cascade/FearCas (this au's rescas), which turned those marked by a domain into avatars. pretty much everyone but gordon and benrey, the former becoming an avatar later and the latter becoming one before. i still like tommy as an avatar of the eye so he has some passive traits of one, but lonely is the primary.

extinction bubby is great! i had to go with desolation because of the whole fire motif, but also pain. lots of pain. he's a tube baby, a guy who was experimented on relentlessly. He's Afraid Of Pain.

i considered coomer for vast! it was my friend who suggested flesh!coomer, he's just such a dimensional character that i had to pick one aspect of his to focus on. i decided to focus on the prosthetics. they're unnatural and gross and scary but they benefit him. plus the whole clone thing (which i replaced with stranger avatars with a vendetta) and wanting to climb inside of gordon to wear as a skin suit was pretty fleshy to me.

hunt forzen was another suggestion from my friend! a good chunk of the military/hecu (and by that i mean, Most Of Them) are hunt avatars because of the need for the chase. that or slaughter, but a lot of military propaganda revolves around this invisible enemy you have to track down and defeat, some goal that is always on the horizon and only accessible if you work for it.

now as for darnold, you'll have to pardon the projection. i made this au about two years ago and i started it via rp, evolving from there. darnold is a character who only has about 15 minutes of screentime and no character development, so i filled in the gaps with a shitload of lore and ocs. the corruption (at least, my original reason for making darnold an avatar of it), is because of the potions darnold makes. i made him a mushroomy guy with bugs and the like so he uses these mushrooms as ingredients, harnessing the corruption and using it to his advantage. spoilers: darnold doesn't stay just an avatar of the corruption. eye is their secondary, and eventually, they get marked by all fifteen (including extinction). this is very plot relevant. give me a year or two to make it into a fanfiction because i am actively working on it lol. OH AND. catholic guilt. i gave the funny science guy catholic guilt. it's also relevant.

tldr; i made this au a fucking while ago and some of choices have not aged well, but i am sticking by them because i've gone This Far and, despite me working on rewriting it into fanfiction format (as it was originally made for rp), i am sticking to my gut and keeping the hoard of fanon/headcanons/ocs i have made for this universe For Funsies.

thank.

[la-bruja]

🐉 @dragonboytail follow

we need to ban parents from using the word "attitude" so they can maybe start grappling with the fact that their children maybe are having a reasonably angry response

🍲 @matzobs follow

This sounds wild when you write it down like I'm about to, but I'm right:

Sometimes the kid's feelings simply aren't relevant to the situation, and it's better parenting to explain that to them.

I get it, you don't want to go to skool. I don't particularly want to send you to skool. But the law says you have to go, and the alternatives aren't realistic, and we live in the world. The bright side is, your friends will be there. I'd recommend finding some joy in that. Please go brush your teeth now.

I hear you thought you were hanging out with your friend this weekend but it's rosh hashana. Sometimes being jewish means doing things we dont think we'll like. We made an agreement. They'll be blowing the shofar. Put your white shirt on.

🦌 @vaspider √✔️☑️✅🦀 follow

"Your feelings are real but not always relevant" is a thing that a lot of people could use to learn earlier.

👬 @jraker4 follow

I can see why many folks would shy away from this lesson, because it is *super easy* (and not uncommon!) to weaponize ‘sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to’. But…sometimes ya do, and the person making you do it isn’t always bad for making you do it.

⚫️ @xxlovelynovaxx follow

The thing is, it's better to convince someone to do something than force them to - and explaining why it's important to do the thing and y'know, treating a child like the actual human being they are by validating their feelings but having a conversation about why it's necessary anyway - will often do that.

In the rare events where explaining doesn't help or even makes it worse, it is often then time to consider if there's a deeper issue at play. I can guarantee 9/10 times it's not entitlement. Is the kid undiagnosed as neurodivergent and having a meltdown because they know an event will be sensory hell? Do they legitimately not understand WHAT they have to do and are focusing on WHY they have to do it as a coping mechanism?

There's a wide gap to how people in general react to "things I don't really want to do but fully can" vs "things I genuinely can't do or would hurt me to do to the point that even if they're technically possible for me to do, I functionally can't do them". Kids are no different - and quite honestly in my experience, no less able to articulate this than most adults, who also struggle to recognize the difference.

If it's discovered that it really is a bigger issue than "not wanting to", then it's a lot of work to make bigger adjustments. Sometimes it means temporarily dealing with the penalties of missing a necessary event - getting a doctor's note from a child psychologist to pull them out of school for more than 1-3 sick days while further uncovering the underlying cause of the inability to deal with school, for example. Is it undiagnosed neurodivergence? Untreated mental illness? Bullying? Some form of trauma unrelated to school that is still most impacting school? An ability to get a need met being severely impacted by the time and energy spent on school? Etc.

Anyway, part of the reason "your feelings are real but not always relevant" is so important is because it's a critical tool in determining when your feelings ARE relevant. And the earlier you learn that, the happier and healthier you'll be as you grow.

[acti-veg]

Hello Acti-veg! Im a big fan of ur blog. Ik ur no Vegan prophet/guru or anything, but i could really use another vegan to talk to. I'm vegan and also I have been trying to live as low waste a lifestyle as possible. Growing my own food included. My mom, despite my best efforts, refuses to go vegan. In fact she is a staunch Anti-vegan. Her doctor told her to go plant-based, her health is failing bc of her diet, and refused to change. But she's a stubborn until proven wrong type.

She made a huge fuss about how useless growing our own food was, but through ignoring her and making an effort, and successfully harvesting, I convinced her that growing food was a good idea, and have slowIy started including more vegetables and water into her diet. She expressed interest in backyard hen keeping. I always wanted to adopt rescue chickens, I could give them a good life, spay them so they dont have to be egg machines, and the manure/ free roaming habits for eating bugs could help around the garden and give them enrichment, and I briefly considered the option. But I know that Veganism is about harm reduction, condemning, and reducing the reliance on animal exploitation as far as possible of Human and Non-human animals.

I thought that by eating yard eggs as opposed to grocery store eggs I could explain the conditions of factory farm animals, and then teach her about the impact it causes on animals even locally, and then spay the hens properly. But it still feels shitty on the end of the hens..

I feel like by trying to get my mom to slowly transition to veganism full stop, I would be making non-vegan decisions along the way, but if I do nothing, I would have wasted the opportunity to make another activist and save more animals in the longterm, i was wondering what ur thoughts on it may be? Or anyone in the comments

I can totally appreciate the dilemma here, but honestly I think you may be taking on the responsibility of her choices a little too much. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're taking her failure to reduce her harm as a personal failure, and therefore determining that it's up to you to directly change her behaviour.

I think that is probably how you have arrived at this dilemma - you are wanting to reduce her harm to the extent that you're willing to put yourself through something you'd not only find uncomfortable, but would actively go against your own ethics. You can advocate, you can provide opportunities for her to do better, but it's really not up to you to provide her with less harmful animal products.

Besides, I think it's an assumption that her having backyard hens would be more likely to lead her to veganism - in my experience, welfarism is not on the same continuum as abolitionism, one doesn't lead to the other. She will still think of animals as essentially there to provide things for her benefit, she will just also think they should be treated well while doing so, which she probably already believes.

I share that impulse to try to help those around you see the truth you have arrived at, and to some extent that is our duty as vegans and activists. However, you can't take on the burden of their choices as your own, and you shouldn't compromise your own principles to lessen someone else's harm.

Personally I'd take a third option - tell her you'd like backyard hens too, you think it'd be great to save some battery hens, but you'll be looking after their health by preventing them from laying, because that is the responsible thing to do given the health impact. You coul still educate her if she chooses to go down this route. See where she lands on that, but either way, I really don't think it's on you to try to make the animal products she consumes more ethical - that way you really would be making her choices your own.

If you'd like to chat this through more with another vegan then please feel free to message me - my inbox is always open.

[confusedmomfriend]

Tw: death/suicide, graphic description of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, trauma, bad thoughts, blood,

Do you ever have a train of thought that is that is so incredibly painful to you but it is a situation or experience that is so removed from the daily trajectory of you life that you can't about it to the people in your life because having to explain it to them makes you feel so exposed and cornered that you feel as if you were flayed and then stabbed with a million needles like a less suave version of Pinhead? Do then you try to write it down to articulate your thoughts on it, first by journaling, then letters addressed to no one that sit on your dresser and even the art form you do (painting, poetry, sculpture etc) but all you it leaves you feeling so incredibly unfulfilled and lonely that you think you'll die without at least the possibility of connecting with another human being. That is the reason I've decided to throw this out in the Aether.

A few days ago I was watching a YouTube video summarizing the latest bad thing Logan Paul has done and halfway through there was a clip of some other YouTuber calling out Logan for insulting him by bringing up some of the most horrible things he's ever done and the first thing he mentioned was the situation in Japan and I had a very visceral reaction to it for several reasons and it has been clawing at me since.

I've been trying to understand why a situation that happened 6 years ago halfway across the world for me being mentioned made me have such a horrible reaction. (I understand that time doesn't exactly diminish how disturbing certain things, situations, topics can be and that situation is definitely one of things that will always be disturbing regardless of time or geography but I've had several panic attacks about it in the days since I've heard what was essentially a sentence about it).

What was said in the small clip was simply "...this is the man who filmed a **** ****." And then the person moved on to list several other things. Why did that affect me so much?

I think it's because when I've thought about dying in that way, I've thought so much about it. I thought of every possible way I could do it down to what would happen in the immediate aftermath. If I'd survive or not, who would find me first, how long my family and friends would grieve or if they would at all, how much blood I'd spill or how long it'd take for me to die by strangulation-

Could someone save me before then?

Could someone save me?

All of it was personal, all of it was intimate, all of it was such a desperate cry of help and a few times I was so close to being the next person you'd see in a news article.

That makes me think that the reason why I reacted so badly to that person's death being mentioned for something so miniscule, for a gotcha moment for something completely unrelated is because in a way it makes me feel exploited. (I am in no way comparing myself to the tremendous pain that person must have gone through to have ended it that way, this is more a reaction and a kinship I feel toward them). Because anytime I thought of ending it I thought of my loved ones discovering my body. I wanted the people who cared for me to tenderly begin the process of putting my body to rest. For them to mourn in peace and privacy, because I love them and despite the pain in that moment seeming too much to keep me anchored by their love, I wanted them to heal and move on from me in the least painful way possible.

I did not know that person, but they probably also had similar thoughts or even if they didn't I can't imagine the horror of waking up to your loved one's death being broadcast by some monster and then it becoming one of the most widely discussed topics for days if not weeks. I can't imagine being found by someone who had such disrespect of human life/death/suffering that looking at my body only made him think of the number of clicks this could get.

And I think what pains me right now the most, is that that person will never be allowed to rest in anonymity. Logan will continue to do horrible things and try to gaslight people and in an attempt to hold him accountable or simply as a quick "check yourself bro" people will bring up this person who has been reduced to just a terrible thing that Logan did.

Their suffering and their family's suffering will be thrust in between various commentary, jokes and sound bites because Logan's actions, in a way, separated this person from their own story or narrative. People think of them in association with Logan Paul's disgusting actions and perhaps even their family can't mourn them without the additional trauma Logan gave them.

It makes me feel helpless in some strange way because I feel like this could've just as well been me. It could've been my family going through a commentary video 6 years after my death to hear such a casual reminder of their grief.

"...this is the man who filmed a **** ****."

[kyrodo]

Trolling me doesn't earn you any fucking respect from me. When you can show me you can act like a fucking adult, then things will definitely improve.

I sincerely hope that'll be the last time someone says "answer the fucking question" to me without actually asking anything or even making it obvious what they were asking. Are you a fucking idiot? I understand you like to do everything by force but get the fuck away from me. Now that you've seen everything there is to see, who falls under what description now bitch? We talking about me or are we talking about you!? I can count my list of offenses on one hand and not a single one of them were major, can you say the same with a straight face you stupid fuck?

Any time you do anything it's ok and anything anyone else does is a crime against humanity, it doesn't fucking work that way. I'm more than happy to put every unforgivable thing you do out in the open and unlike you everything I post doesn't come out of fucking nowhere. You exploit every little thing that could be misunderstood, but for you, I understand everything. You act radicalized but in actuality you're just an opportunist waiting for the chance to pretend someone else did something. I spend so much time on my posts trying to foolproof it and you still find a way to act like a fucking moron. Somebody will turn on their high beams and you'll just close your eyes and say it's still too Fucking dark. I've had about enough of your bullshit.

Now that I've stopped adopting the way you speak, am I coherent enough for you asshole? You got anything else you want to take out of context, or are you fucking good?

As for Ronnie telling me "I need to stop doing this, I don't know why you're focusing me." We don't need to say what we mean was literally one of the first things you shared with me. Never once did you come clean about your side of things and you always omit your entire history whenever you directly interact with me or try to keep your wording as ambiguous or multi meaning'd as possible. What the fuck did you want me to do? I physically deleted mine, cause I was mad or there were personal thoughts I was always pushing out that I didn't want to leave up. But you initiated the facade and you strong armed it the entire way through, I didn't. I protested it because it kept confusing me and I kept wondering if you were all these things because you kept it up well past when it was no longer meaningful.

There isn't a single person vrc or otherwise with your kind of special needs shit, there is not single person I've met as overly discreet as you. I will never be the one to send someone through fucking bootcamp before I give them even a scrap of trust. Because I will never be like you.

Every cell in my body even now wants to make sure no one ever experiences what I did. What you put me through. If you ever wanted me in your life, there's not a single thing you did that would've made that possible.

I am so sick of feeling constantly confused and uncertain about everything, that I will always go out of my way to ensure everyone feels certain.

[willllllllllllllll]

Tw: discussion of suicide, read at your own risk.

I've tried to kill myself more times than I can count. In spring 2022 I was in A&E every 2-3weeks. The nurses knew me by name. I was never scared of death, and I'm still not. What scared me is what happens after I'm gone, my family would blame themselves, my friends would never know what happened to me. I've always been been a very empathetic person. I think that's what saved me in the end.

I used to say it was my life, and that I have the right to end it when I want: your life is so much more than your own, everyone's lives are integrated, like a spiders web. No matter how alone you may feel there is always someone that will be affected by your death, "but why should I care about other people?" Because we're human, and that's what humans do. We care, no matter if we want to or not.

Suicide isn't always about killing yourself: many people who try to kill themselves don't actually want to die; it's a cry for help, a last resort when they aren't getting the help they need and believe its the only way to get help. It's not 'attention seeking', it's a cry for help.

Feeling as if you're never going to get better: it's easy to get stuck in a loop, to find comfort in the darkness and pain and lose your way out. The truth is everyone has the chance to get better, they just need to want to. Recovery isn't liner, and it's not easy but it's always possible. Maybe you'll never fully recovery from your trauma, but you can learn to live with it in a healthy way.

At the end of the day there is always going to be someone out there to help you, maybe you just haven't found them yet. Give them a chance to come into your life.

I'll probably revisit this and add more in the future

***I don't promote suicide, please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal. I am simply sharing my experiences***

[bluebxlle-writer]

Writing cynical characters

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Cynical characters are one of my favorite types of characters to write about, because there's so much potential for their depth and backstory. However, these types of characters often get reduced to basic "evil" and "rude" characters whose only purpose in the story is to hurt other people, which is a waste of potential.

1. What cynical characters are

First off, let's understand what cynical characters are.

Cynical people believe that human beings are only motivated by self-interest and greed. They are distrustful of human sincerity or integrity, and are usually very negative.

2. Cynical vs selfish characters

Some often confuse cynicism with selfishness, so let's settle the main difference between cynical and selfish characters.

Selfish people are driven by self-interests, while cynical people believe that everyone are driven by self-interests. Cynical people aren't necessarily selfish, and vice versa.

3. Backstory

Like any type of character, the base for your character's depth is the backstory. You have to establish why and how your characters became cynical. Some possibilities are :

• They were taught from an early age that people are naturally selfish beings, and that nobody goes through all the trouble to do or give something without expecting another thing in return.

• They had a first-hand experience that lead them to believe that people were only driven by self-centered goals. Maybe they've been deceived, abandoned, or betrayed by someone they believed was kind.

4. Perception

Cynical characters judge people based on the assumption that they always have ulterior motives, so they're usually more perceptive than others. They'll be able to tell when someone's acting kind in order to use them.

But this isn't always the case, because it entirely depends on the character's other personalities. They might have a low perception level instead, because their mind immediately registers any action as a disguise for selfishness, causing them to never realize a person's true motives.

5. Refusing help

They might often refuse help from others, since they're convinced that everyone has motives for offering kindness. They wouldn't want to accept insincere actions.

BUT!! Again, it depends entirely on the character themself. Consider this. Someone buys you your favorite food. You're pretty cynical, so you know that this person is just doing it so you'll pay for their meal next time. Will you take the food? I don't know about y'all, but if someone offers me pizza, I'd take it even if I know it's not sincere. It's mf pizza. Just because someone is cynical and doesn't believe in true kindness, it doesn't mean they'll refuse help 24/7.

5. Relationships

Especially for cynical characters, I think it's important to give them meaningful relationships with other characters. In fiction, they're often portrayed as highly aloof and cold, never accepting kindness from anyone.

While those type of characters are complex and I love them so much (THE ANGST???), there are more approaches to handling their relationships :

• They might surround themselves with people, in hopes of finally finding someone who truly cares about them without any hidden motives.

• They have friends who they genuinely care about despite the fact that those friends might have ulterior motives, because they know that selfishness is a human nature that can't be changed, and thet decided to just accept it.

• They're cold and skeptical to everyone except one person, who they truly love because they know that the person is genuinely kind. GRUMPY X SUNSHINE???