#there's a reason why i haven't been here for a while

[ninapi]

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┊┊┊✧ ⁺ ⁺╚══ Kimetsu Daddies: Vol.1 ╝

Premise: Everyone has insecurities and parenting can certainly bring even more to the plate. Taking a trip to memory lane to the first days of his fatherhood journey makes Sanemi realize maybe he isn't half bad himself.

Word Count: 3639

Note: This is a prequel of sorts for my previous story "Liquid Sunshine" (which you can read here if you haven't yet), starting right after bonus chapter 2, but this is also the beginning of a new series as you might have guessed by the title change, lol. My love @huh01011 requested some smut to be added to this series, I must warn you all, I am not a smut writer, and there's not as much in it as I wanted it to be, but I tried to incorporate some in a way~ Also tagging pookie @cock-ainee who wanted to be tagged here ❤️

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Summer was a dreaded season in the Shinazugawa household.

The excessive moisture in the air made almost impossible to work the fields for the younger lads adding even more load to the already overworked Sanemi.

Sanehiko, who could stand such temperatures, was the only one able to aid his father with the animals and the fields as his beloved mother was feeling under the weather.

The last few weeks had been odd. After having such an eye opening conversation with the children, your mood had been sour, making Sanemi feel he had done something wrong.

Dealing with so many little ones, he assumed you were just a bit overwhelmed, baby Sae was still a very demanding baby and Senri, who just started walking on his own, has been climbing trees and running around like a madman, plenty of reasons to be a bit grouchy.

But that was far from reality.

“Sanehiko, where’s your mother?” Sanemi asked his eldest as he hauled the entire harvest of tomatoes on his back.

“Last time I saw her, she was cleaning her own puke near the bath.”

The sound of exploding tomatoes hitting the scorching hot ground made Sanehiko shudder at the thought of the lost produce, “WHAT? She was doing WHAT?”

“Ugh…she was…” the boy stuttered, his mother wont be pleased knowing some of the tomatoes were squashed down by his father’s annoyance and it was most definitely his fault…”She was…ummm…on the floor? Yes, she was on the floor, with a rag cleaning after her…” he smiled proudly, able to recount the facts with as much details as possible without sounding so aggravating.

“Why was she on the floor Sanehiko? Is your mother sick?” panic was written all over Sanemi’s face, if there’s something that terrifies him is the thought of ever loosing you.

Thinking back, Sanehiko realizes he isn’t even sure why his mother was in such predicament, making him feel worse for not stopping to help her, “Not sure father, Genma is the one in charge of mother…I had to come get the milk out on time…”

“Tch, bring the tomatoes inside.” without a second thought, Sanemi marched back inside the house, in search of his darling wife who seemed to be feeling even worse than he thought.

When he found you, Genma was rubbing your belly in soothing circles while you clutched a pillow close to your face, “Hey, my love…what’s wrong…?” his tone of voice was laced with honey, he hated seeing you in distress and he knew you’ve been struggling lately.

“Nemi…” your voice was so weak almost a whisper, he could barely hear you.

“Yes, baby tell me…” holding your hand, he crouched down beside you, giving your knuckles an adoring kiss.

“I-…another one is coming…”

“What do you mean, babe?” realization hit him hard, your pale face, the morning discomfort, lack of appetite, uncomfortable nights…”Oh….OH?…you’re pregnant again, my love??” his eyes went from imminent despair to happiness overload in a mater of seconds, making you chuckle.

“I think so yeah, pretty sure actually, Nemi…isn’t it too fast…? I…I honestly thought Sae would be the last one…at least for a while...”

“Do you not feel comfortable having more children, baby?” sadness could be heard in his voice, but he would respect your wishes, no matter what they were.

“It’s not that, my love…it’s just…my body is still tired, Sae is still breastfeeding, I guess this time is really taking a toll on me, that’s all. Of course I want to bring your babies to this world.” your gentle reassurance brought him back to life, you were all that mattered to him, his entire life, a gift he had been given, one he would protect at all cost.

Forgetting his tiny son was around is one of Sanemi’s traits now a days, Genma was listening to the entire thing, mauling things over in his little head silently while you held each other, his sister however, had been hiding under the window seal, also listening.

“Mama, what’s pr’gnant?” Remi climbed her way into the room through the window, quickly sitting beside Genma.

“It’s when mommy has a baby inside of her, angel.”

Genma gasped loudly, “You did this to her, didn’t you father?! That night! I knew it, you hurt her!”

“No, no baby. Your father didn’t hurt me…he gave us another member of our family, it’s just…you know summer is tough on me, my love, having a baby inside is harder at the beginning, I’ll be ok in a few weeks, I promise.”

Sanemi was speechless, he couldn’t believe his son kept insisting on him hurting you, like if that was actually a thing, he was incapable of hurting a single hair of your head and he would have thought his own son would know this.

“But mother! You shouldn’t have to be this sick! We are already so many in this house! I don’t want you to be sick! Please stop putting babies inside of her, father!” the toddler started wailing, his sister not completely understanding why he was in such distress, hugged him gently. “Mama is ok, nii-nii, don’t cry…”

Sanehiko came into the room when he heard his brother crying, Sae sleeping on his back while Senri was holding his hand, “Genma? What’s wrong?”

“Mama ate a baby and he’s sad…”

“She what?” this time Senri was the one who started crying, his sister’s words scaring the hell out of him.

“I’m pregnant again, love. That’s all.”

“Oh yeah, I thought so. We heard you after all, that’s just how it works, right father?” Sanemi just nodded absentmindedly, while he was happy with the news, he started questioning his fathering skills lately. Genma clearly doesn’t trust him and even thinks he’s capable of hurting his mother, what could possibly led him to think that way? Was he a good father even? He knows he’s strict, having to provide for such a large family isn’t easy, discipline is needed, but he loves his children and he thought they knew it…

Getting up from his spot beside you without saying a word, he walked outside of the house and up a small hill he goes to when he needs to think. Contemplating his own mistakes was more daunting that he ever imagined, memories of Genma’s constant terrified face hunting him.

Sanehiko left the babies in your care and ran after his dad, “Father, are you ok? Mother looked worried…Is the baby sick?”

“No…no, the baby is fine…is your brother who worries me..”

“You mean Genma? Or Senri?” he plopped beside his dad, both had the exact same pose, legs crossed, a half scowl on their faces, it was like seeing himself in a mirror, just that without scars.

“Genma…”

Nodding, Sanehiko let out a sigh, he understands his dad’s predicament, Genma isn’t a difficult kid, he is actually quite a sunshine, but he is obsessed with his own mother and that makes Sanemi’s odds against him most of the times.

“He stopped crying already, father. It’s not that he doesn’t want another sibling, he just doesn’t like it when mother is sick. This time she really is in bad shape though, is it the heat again?”

“Yeah…heat has always been hard on her, specially when she’s in her first trimester…” that made Sanehiko think, none of his siblings had been in that part of pregnancy during summer, not that he can remember at least. “Really? Was it Genma?”

“No, it was you actually…” the memory of you throwing your guts out of the window during summer nights made a faint smile grace his lips.

“Was I a difficult baby, father?” Sanemi’s smile just kept growing with the memories, “Not at all, you were the quietest of all, a true gift…” 

Sanehiko had never seen his father this soft before, it felt oddly comforting knowing he was talking about him just now. “Did I give mother a hard time then? I feel like we’ve never talked about this before…” 

It was crazy, but true. Having to run a farm kept you both very busy and the more babies came, the harder its been to just sit down with your eldest and have a nice chat.

“We were young and inexperienced when you came to this world. For the longest time we thought you were a virus because she couldn’t eat a single thing without puking…” a soft chuckle left his lips as he remembers those sleepless nights of him rubbing your back until you could fall asleep on his lap, holding you while the moon shone above you, illuminating your beautiful face. Those days were quiet, nothing like the ones you have today, and honestly, he kind of misses them. Having you all to himself all day, all night…the intimacy and love remains, but there’s limitations to what he can or cannot do now.

Sanehiko chuckled along shaking his head, a clear image of his mother being painted by his father. “How did you guys know it was me and not a virus then?”

“Hmmmm…after a lot of arguing, I threw your mother over my shoulder and took her to see the doctor downtown, she wasn’t eating and it was making me anxious…”

“You're just like Genma, father.”

“Huh? What do you mean just like Genma? He’s the least similar to me from all your siblings.”

He shook his head, smiling “He’s just like you, father. Mother yawns and one of you is right by her side with a blanket, she coughs and there’s fresh tea in front of her in seconds. She makes a slight noise and the entire house is checking on her, those are the Shinazugawa genes, father, they come from you.” 

Maybe he was right, maybe he and Genma had more in common that he thought, getting the child to see that would be harder though.

“So, you took mother to the doctor. What’d he say?” this is the first time Sanehiko has story time with his father since he’s a little kid, it made him feel fuzzy inside and wanted to hear more of his upbringing.

Sanemi seeing his interest, turned to face him with a grin on his face, “Then he tells us she isn’t sick but round and full with our first child. I still remember that day like it was yesterday, man was I happy…” 

“You were happy because I was inside of mother?” he wasn’t expecting to hear that, while he knows his father loves getting his mother pregnant, he isn’t one to celebrate or smile like that.

“Of course! There was nothing I wanted more back then than to see your mother stuffed full with my child. I can’t expect you to understand this yet, but there is nothing better than knowing a piece of you lives inside the woman you love…”

“A piece of you…am I a piece of you, father?”

“Damn straight you are, son. Half of me, half of your beautiful mother, the result of our never ending love…”

“I’m the result of your love…” Sanehiko has never felt this loved before, his parents are usually very caring and understanding, but hearing his stoic father saying such a thing made his eyes fill up with tears.

“You really love mother, don’t you father?”

“More than I could ever thought possible, son…” Sanemi’s smile was pure, soft, love could be felt from the air around him, it was palpable.

“And…us?” while he was scared of asking, he knew his father loved him, yet somehow he needed validation.

“I love every single one of you with all my heart. Even when it doesn’t seem like it.”

Sanehiko scooted closer, wrapping his arms around his father in a way to comfort his aching heart, “We know you do.” resting his cheek on his son’s fluffy hair, they stay there in silence, until you called out for your eldest for help.

Sanemi decided to stay a little longer contemplating life once more.

Thinking about the days when you two were younger and so very much in love brought a permanent smile to his face. 

Sanehiko’s arrival was indeed the peak of his lifetime.

When you agreed to let him move with you to the farm for good, it took just a couple of hours before he had you pinned to the bathroom wall, this time without clothes in between, marks of his passion for you littering your beautiful silky skin, those gorgeous lips parted for him and screaming his name as he rammed into you nonstop, quite the memory really.

And it continued for a while, every day and night the growing needs to posses you, to fill you up with his essence, was overbearing. He needed the world to see you were claimed, to see you were his and his alone, that every single bit of skin on that beautiful body of yours was his, that your heart and all your love within it was exclusively just for him.

Memories of your face contouring with pleasure as he sucked on your perfect perky breasts like it was his last meal, the screams leaving your pretty lips and carrying his name through the wind every time he pushed himself within you as deep as he could and then some. The heat inside of you squeezing him dry, then making him hard once again at how good it felt to have you cum around his aching manhood, at how tightly you clenched around him with your core, holding onto him like if your life depended on it. He truly misses those days when his name echoed in every single wall of the house, your melodic moans and the sound of your heavy breathing all that could be heard for miles.

But when he held his first child in his arms, his world got upside down. He just didn’t know what to do with himself.

While he had witnessed all the birthing of his siblings, he had never felt such a bond before. The way Sanehiko’s eyes were barely open, how he held to his large manly thumb for dear life and hugged it to sleep, how he would snuggle on his chest and just lay there for hours just changed him.

You were his angel, his wife, the woman he loved from almost the moment he met you. A true gift from the heavens, but this baby…this little human in his arms….he was the outcome of your passion, of your fierce love for one another, he held all your dreams, your future, this tiny little thing who fit in his palm was the reason you both lived to that day, he was your anchor, the very core of your family, your reason to get up every day and make a living out of that devastated farm.

Sanehiko meant hope, joy, love. His first child, the one he so wished to have, his pride.

While he thought you’d be pregnant right after Sanehiko was born, because being real, he had his way between your legs daily; Genma didn’t come for a while.

You had time to bond with your first child, get to know him, play with him, teach him how to tend the animals. Being a parent isn’t easy, a first born gets to experience all the ‘firsts’ after all, but overall the learning experience helped you both create patterns for the future babes. While none of the kids were alike, at least it gave you a foundation already stablished to raise your children, and it worked quite well. Until lately, that is.

The heat was finally dimming down a little signalizing the day was coming to an end, the need to check on you being more significant than the dread he felt of facing Genma.

Heading inside the house he noticed Sanehiko was reading a story to the younger kids, Remi being already asleep on his leg. The sight made him smile, memories of little newborn Sanehiko still fresh in his mind.

In your room, Genma was still looking a bit sulky but you looked way better, lunch already gone from your system.

“Hey beautiful…felling better?” he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, burying his face in the crook of your neck. You’re normally not as physically affectionate in front of the children, but you could feel your man needing comfort.

“I am, baby. Don’t worry, our child is going to be as healthy as the rest, of that I’m sure. You know the heat hunts me when I’m pregnant…” your soft giggles made him smile, “Yeah I was telling Sanehiko that story earlier, how you’d puke every night and could only sleep on my lap…” his smile turned to a smirk, his lips finding your neck to give it a little nip.

“Mmmmm yeah…good old times…we need to time babies better so I never have to spend another first trimester in summer again though…” groaning you turned your head to bury your face in his soft hair, his natural scent was just so comforting, it made you feel better almost immediately.

“Yeah, I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to…” his soft tone and apology startled Genma, he’s rarely ever heard his father saying his sorry for anything, let alone be this gentle.

“I’m just as guilty of this as you are, my love. You don’t need to apologize. On the contrary, thank you for giving me another treasure…” the feeling of your soft nose buried in his hair was making him feel so emotional. Earlier he had felt like he sucked at being a parent but after bonding over it with Sanehiko and reminiscing of the time he was born, he just feels so complete…

“Thank you, babe…without you…I wouldn’t….I…I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without you…” his words were chocked up, Genma was still in shock, he could feel the emotional state of his broken father filling up the air.

“Father…are you ok…?” Genma held onto Sanemi’s leg, hugging it with his tiny body. It’s been a while since he feels his toddler’s warmth.

“I am son, thank you for asking.” 

“Father…I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier, I don’t understand this baby thing very well…but I know you wouldn’t hurt mother now…” Sanemi’s heart grew three sizes, he didn’t know he needed to hear this so badly, but turns out he did.

“You know? Sanehiko told me earlier that you’re very similar to me…that your obsession with your mother is all my fault for being your father…” that made you laugh, while it is true, it’s kind of ridiculous.

“You two are very similar that’s true, loving, gentle, big hearted sweethearts and gorgeous babes~” the last part made Genma fall into a crazy fit of giggles.

“Mother, how was I as a baby? I know Nii-chan was very attached to father, was I always attached to you?”

“Well yes, you’ve always been very much a mama’s boy…but when you were born…God…I had to line up to get some time with you, your father would hog you away and keep you all to himself all the time, even Sanehiko was jealous back then!” 

“I did not hog our child, ok? I was just…happy…” Genma’s little ears turned bright pink, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You were happy because I looked like my uncle?” while that was part of it originally, it wasn’t just that, he truly had a wonderful bond with his sons, he was happy to welcome a new one after so long, Sanehiko was already a toddler back then and having such a cute little baby coddled up on his chest would make his heart sing every time.

“No, when you were born you were bald, we didn’t even know you would have dark hair.” that was a lie, but it made the child glow with happiness, being cared for just for his similarities to his uncle is something he’s feared his whole life.

“Bald? I didn’t know I was an ugly baby!”laughing wildly, Sanemi lets go of your waist to pick his son up in his arms, “Nah you were the cutest baby I’ve ever laid eyes on…”

“Cuter than Sae? She’s real cute, father…” his little hands wrapped around Sanemi’s head, his cute tiny nose nuzzling the side of his face as he giggles happily, this sort of affection normally reserved just for you, made Sanemi think he might have been finally forgiven by his son.

“Oh she is, alright, she looks just like your mama. But you…your eyes were so full of love even when you were a day old…I’ll never forget the first time you smiled at us…We knew we were blessed that day…” Genma has never been this clingy with Sanemi, but it felt just right, it reminded him of a young Genya clinging onto him for support and for comfort, days that had been long forgotten, days he holds dear in his heart, those days filled with nothing but happiness, those came back thanks to you, thanks to the beautiful family you two were able to build based on love and trust.

Being a father isn’t easy, and six is indeed a very large number, but he would do it all over again as many times as needed just to see the smile in your face every time they’re around.

“But father, are you going to explain me now how does the baby pee work? Can you make more when she has a baby inside already? Do they line up? Or do you like turn it off? I’ve been smelling your tea, I didn’t notice anything different, I still want to know what you need to drink to make babies…”

“Oh god…not again…”

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Masterlist Previous Chapter

[lucy90712]

Ooo part two of the request he runs into you with a rock on your finger and your newborn baby and he’s gutted. Gutted that the baby should’ve been his.

part 1 Jude's POV

"I'm sorry I just don't think we are right for each other" I said for what feels like the millionth time in the last few years 

Since seeing y/n again I decided that I needed to move on, I blocked her accounts on Instagram and deleted her contact off my phone so there was no temptation to talk to her or see what she has been doing. I thought that would help me move on but it hasn't I still think about her all the time. I never took down the pictures of us in my house because when I tried to do it the place felt so empty it no longer felt like a home so I put them back up. Everyone has told me that I just need to do it and move on in fact they tell me that I need to go to therapy and talk about my feelings but I don't want to as it's just too painful to talk about. 

Over the last few years I've tried to see other girls and some of them were so lovely but because they weren't y/n I just had no feelings towards them. There was always something that wasn't right some just wanted my fame and money and others just weren't my type. One girl was nearly perfect she was sweet and beautiful but I just couldn't make myself have feelings for her so I ended things. Nothing has ever gone beyond a few dates I kissed a few of the girls but never went any further and they certainly come back to my place as then I'd have it explain the pictures. All I've had is situationships and meaningless one night stands which is all I deserve after the way I treated the only girl I ever truly loved. 

After ending my last situationship I had to go for a walk on my own to clear my head as all of this is starting to get stupid. It has dawned on me that maybe I do need to go to therapy or talk to someone to work through what is stopping me from moving on and letting myself love someone else. My way of living solely in the past isn't healthy and it's starting to really ruin my life as I'm not letting myself enjoy going on dates and finding someone who is right for me. It seems like an impossible task right now to move on but I know I can do it y/n did it so why can't I. Going outside and letting myself think has given me a new lease of life I'm ready to go home and and finally take down the pictures and remove all the other things that remind me of y/n even if the house feels bare for a while I can add things that have no memories tied to them. 

Just as I made it to the park near my house to just sit and think with no one else around I saw someone sat on the bench I usually sit on by the lake. It was a couple with a newborn baby but I couldn't see either of their faces at first. A few seconds later they moved and I nearly fainted when I saw who it was. It was y/n and Carlos with what must be their baby and y/n had a ring on her finger so they must be engaged. My friends told me that she moved out of Madrid a while ago and hasn't really been back but here she is right in front of me. I haven't seen her since the first night I saw her with Carlos and I thought I'd never see her again but there she is on the day I decide that I need to move on. The universe really has awful timing but I guess seeing her living her life with another man is all the more reason to move on. 

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Your POV

"Did I leave my rings in the bathroom?" I asked Carlos from the bedroom 

"Yeah they are here I'll bring them out" he said 

"Thank you I had to take them off to wash my hands after she was sick and then completely forgot about putting them back on I swear baby brain is going to kill me" I said 

"It's ok you don't need to stress about it if you forget to put your rings on I don't care as long as you and little one are ok nothing else matters" Carlos said handing me back my rings 

"I'm so glad we are here getting to see friends has made me feel so much more human and not like I've just crawled out of the grave" I joked

"See I told you getting away from home and having a different routine would be good you've been at home for over a month now it's good to get back some sense of normality" he said 

"How about we go for a walk in the park before we meet everyone later" I suggested 

"Sounds good I'll get the baby in the stroller" Carlos said

Carlos has been the best since the baby arrived 5 weeks ago of course he still has practice sessions but every second he can he spends helping me and making sure I'm ok as well as the baby. I couldn't ask for a better husband he has been the best partner since we got together but he really stepped it up once we got engaged a year and a half ago. It's crazy to think we have been together for 4 years now and married for nearly 1 especially when we met at such an awful time in my life but Carlos has truly shown me the bright side of life. 

Walking the streets of Madrid and going to the park I used to walk through when I lived here feels a little bit weird I haven't been here since I moved away 3 years ago but this place holds a lot of memories some good some bad but the bad memories are so far in the past they almost don't matter anymore. As Carlos pushed the stroller while holding my hand as I walked next to him I couldn't help but think about the last time I came to this park which is when I broke up with Jude. After ending things I didn't know where to go so I came here and just cried my eyes out which I think is my lowest moment in life but yet here I am just a few years later at my happiest with my perfect little family. 

We walked around for a while before the baby got fussy so we sat down on a bench by the lake so I could feed her before we meet friends for dinner. It was lovely and peaceful as there was hardly anyone else around so we sat there and talked for a while even after the baby had eaten and fallen asleep again. Eventually we had to leave so I had to place the baby back in her stroller as slowly as I could as not to wake her which is a skill I've developed since she was born. As we turned around to leave I saw someone else walking down the path in the park who looked familiar then I realised it was Jude. 

I haven't seen him since that night in the club years ago now and honestly until today I haven't really thought about him it's been so long that I've moved on. Sure what he did was awful and ruined me for a while but things have changed and I don't like to hold a grudge so weirdly it was nice to see him as I have no idea how he's been since I left. 

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Jude's POV

Before I could turn around and go the other way she had noticed me and waved with a bright smile on her face the smile I used to love seeing everyday. Some weird force of nature was pulling me towards her I know I should just wave back and walk another way but I'm drawn to her something in me needs to be closer to her and talk to her again. It's this part of me that has stopped me from moving on but maybe seeing her one last time and having her tell me how happy she is in her new life will be what I need to hear to realise I have to move on. 

The closer I got the more obvious the ring on her finger became and that's when I could see that she actually had two rings a beautiful engagement ring that was very much her style and a wedding ring that was equally spectacular. She was never someone to love jewellery with big gem stones or anything hugely fancy so the two more understated but still tasteful rings are exactly what I knew she would've wanted. There was a time I looked at engagement rings for her but I never actually bought one and now I regret not just taking the plunge as then this could be us. Being closer to her also allowed me to see her baby in the stroller, the baby was very small so clearly a newborn and dressed in white with pink flowers so likely a girl. I could see a lot of y/n in the baby even though she's very small but the thick black hair stood out as a feature passed down from her now husband Carlos. It got me thinking what our kids would've looked like would they end up with her best features like her lips and her beautiful eyes and would we have boys or girls. A lot of hypotheticals were flowing around my brain. 

"Hi it's been so long how have you been?" She asked bringing me back to reality 

"I've been good life has been keeping me busy but it's been good" I lied as not to make her or myself feel bad 

"Congratulations on everything you've won with the team I hear you've done really well" she said 

"Thanks how have you been I see a lot has changed" I half joked 

"Yeah it's been a crazy few years but it's even crazier now that this little one has arrived she keeps us up at all hours of the day" she laughed 

"Well congrats she's beautiful" I said 

"Not when she's screaming at 3am" Carlos joked 

"It's been great to see you again but we have dinner with friends to get to it's been lovely to catch up I hope life keeps treating you well Jude" she said 

"You too I hope you all stay well" I said letting them leave 

I sat down in the bench the two of them were just sat on as they walked away while trying to tell myself that her walking away was her leaving my life for good and my signal to let go of the past. It still hurts that she's so ok without me while I've been a mess but I don't know what I expected she's always been such an amazing person so someone was always going to see that and want to be with her. I suppose I'm glad that Carlos seems like such a nice guy as I did want the best for her and he seems like the perfect husband so if it can't be me I'm glad it's him who can make her happy everyday. 

It's finally time to move on she has her life and clearly doesn't think about her time with me so it's time for me to do the same. No one will ever be her so I need to stop trying to find someone who is she might've been my first love but that doesn't mean she has to be my last. 

[devastatinglygreen]

I really like hearing your opinion on the things the fandom is hung up on and I haven't seen you say anything yet so I wanted to know what you thought of Colin's entrapment comment?

ohhhh interesting (and thank you tho i am sure you will regret it). i am here to provide 24/7 personalized hot takes so don't worry i will bother everyone with my opinion.

why do i, personally, think he said it? aside from being hurt? i sort of have a very nebulous idea of it that i noticed on a rewatch (yes i will rewatch this season consistently, it's now my among my favorite comfort tv shows along with 2005's p&p (which is a movie i know), that one season of friends, that flea market show i hate (don't ask), and the entirety of bob's burgers) but colin has no idea penelope loves him until episode 6 so it's connected to that.

i am very sorry you were brave enough to ask me a question and now have to read all the nonsense below. god speed.

like, he's flying blind and after the carriage (insert pitbull music...and fingers here) he's pretty insecure that's he's moving a lot faster than she is. it's unsettling to be head over ass in love and feel like you're not worthy of it and then not even be sure where the other person is. that penelope doesn't reciprocate when he first says it to her is noticeable but he moves on so quickly you can sort of assume he doesn't want to give her a chance to, like he's scared of the answer if he asks.

colin waxes poetic about love, about penelope, etc all through eps 5 and 6. he's consumed by it and to be fair, they were on different wavelengths in part 1. she was trying to let him go and move past him and he was stumbling and staring and wanting to die with wanting her while she was like, "hey this guy you hate for no reason likes me, isn't that cool?" and it's pretty fresh for him so i would think something like that lingers.

when she tells him she loves him in ep 6, he's happy. and relieved. i also think he's been expecting bad news (which, you know. it, uh, will be later) so it's a relief to hear that they're on the same page but, and this stuck out to me the first time i heard it, she says she loved him while pretending to be his friend. she corrects herself because of course she was actually his friend but she loved him underneath of it all as well but penelope isn't always the best with words when on the spot and it takes her a moment to calm down and gather her thoughts. the relief (and guilt of him not knowing/reciprocating) is very obvious in the moment and i think he was thrilled to hear that she loved him back.

which leads us to the LW fight. which makes him question if he ever knew her at all. he does, of course he does, but she's been this secret second person who has written about him, his family, her best friend, and her own family for years. penelope's intentions are never malicious when it comes to protecting the people she loves but the execution can leave a fair bit to be desired. she doesn't lie but she isn't always kind, either.

so you have this man beyond in love with a woman he doesn't think he can trust who just admitted she'd loved him for years. it's easy to live in that hurt and anger and assume the worst of someone when they've just betrayed your trust so deeply. it would probably be easy to feel manipulated. i don't think him questioning her motives is beyond the realm of possibility but i do think penelope is better than me because if i get accused of something i didn't do i would act up something fierce (see this is why my husband had to marry me, he had to keep me from terrorizing the rest of the population with my dramatics. a hero of our times, really).

anyways, what i mean is, i think it's easy to ignore the lead up to that betrayal as an audience since we know penelope's anguish and hurt over what she's done but colin has no idea and it's very fresh for him so it's easy to lash out and think everything had a motive. penelope as LW is very calculating and pointed. i think it's smart of her, actually, to continually tell him she loves him and not constantly poke at the argument. she's not giving him anything else to hold up and use against her after the fact. she's very frank and open even when they have their argument in the street.

this idea he has of LW is this hurtful, manipulative person playing with people's lives. like, LW would entrap him but penelope wouldn't so it's easy to hate one and love the other and i think his inability to bring them together as one person could play into that dynamic of feeling insecure of what her intentions were. you can sort of see each time he breaks because he knows penelope loves him but he steps back each time he's reminded of LW and how it comes between them.

something i also think plays out in his inability to communicate effectively and how deeply his self-loathing goes into his jealousy of her success and how he's incapable of being intimate with penelope until he's in a better headspace. he loves penelope. he wants to marry her and be with her and live a life with her but there's a 3rd person in his marriage in his mind and what does one do with all of that when you're so firmly penelope-sexual you're staring at the walls in a brothel when you're still single? idk man.

just remember if you're sorry for having read this, i am sorrier for having written it. except for the penelope-sexual part. that's still funny to me.

[smutinlove]

goodbye i love ur fanfics sm. (specifically carls ofc)

i just live for ur angst fics yk??

sensitive reader pls but she kinda a badass

reader goes insane for some reason,

rick,glenn, carl notice that she hasnt been sleeping/eating/drinking.

she would stay up every night watching the window.

to the point they would have to force her down and eat,

it turns out carl wasnt even talking to her but instead hanging out with his friends (ron and mikey)

small mindset inspo for reader(eversince they arrived at alexandria reader and carl didnt spend time 2gether)

she has no1 to talk to so yeah... u choose the ending ofc!

They say change is good, but sometimes change can fuck up your life. That's what happened to you.

Every day went by with you staring out the window, day and night. Your head was filled with a million different thoughts. Thoughts you wouldn't utter a word about to anyone. Why?

Nobody really noticed you anymore. Out in the wild, before Alexandria, you were a valued member of the group. You and Carl were practically besties (and more) You and Glenn had also had a fun time talking to each other.

He was like a father to you.

But now... you didn't really have anyone.

Everyone was doing their own thing, and you just sat near the window every day—barely sleeping and eating.

Was anyone even worried? Probably not. Why? They didn't notice you. You were a shadow that everyone was ahead of.

"Y/N."

It was another lonely and gloomy evening. An evening full of you staring outside the window—observing the weather... and maybe the citizens of Alexandria. (If they even left their homes. Cowards...)

"Hey!"

You were numb, tired—pissed. No one. You had no one, right?

"Listen to me!"

"Relax—"

You opened the window, letting some fresh air in. It was a soft embrace on a glum Saturday evening.

"Fuck!"

"Carl! Glenn!"

You felt a strong shake. Was the world tilting? No. But you definitely were.

You saw two worried faces staring down at you. One shook your shoulders while the other yelled your name. "Y/N, are you listening?"

Such a soft voice. So soothing. The tone made you melt.

But reality struck and it was painful. There were people talking to you while you remained unresponsive.

"Perhaps she has gone mental!"

"Carl!" Rick scolded.

"Huh?" You finally managed to utter. Your voice was rough and hoarse from not speaking. It hurt.

"She speaks!" Carl chimed. "Not funny, Grimes boy," said Glenn.

"Carl?"

The blue-eyed boy beamed. "Welcome back, love." Carl said, a small smirk falling in to place on his face.

Rick left and came back into the room, holding a plate of eggs and bread. He also had a glass of juice. He placed both things in front of you. "Eat, Y/N. Please."

You couldn't. It... was strange. You just couldn't. But you had to. You should. And you would. And... you could.

Your hand trembled as you reached for the piece of bread on the plate. You also noticed the smiles on Rick and Glenns' faces. But Carl was glaring at the now closed window.

What was he staring at? Mickey and Ron. The two were talking and laughing outside. While he was stuck with you. It wasn't a bad thing that he was stuck with you. No. Never.

"Have you been sleeping?" Glenn asked, noticing your eyebags. You bite into the piece of bread, slowly swallowing and chewing it. You were tempted to lie, but that wouldn't solve anything. "No."

"Why?" Rick asked. "Talk to us. But you don't need to."

"Can... can I talk to Carl?" You asked. "Just Carl."

The two older men gave each other looks before nodding and leaving the room.

"What's up?" Carl asked nonchalantly. You gulped. "What's up with you, Carl?" His name came out as almost a scowl.

"What?" He tilted his head.

You stopped eating and took a sip of juice. "Carl," you felt hesitant. But you needed to. For answers. "Carl, we don't hang out! We haven't talked properly since we arrived here at Alexandria!"

"I... I thought you wanted a life, Y/N. Even if it isn't like before."

You huffed. "Carl, I wanted you! You're my best friend. Fuck! But no! All you have done for the past few weeks is hang out with Mikey and Ron, forgetting about me!"

Carl looked taken aback. "Y/N, please—"

"—No! No more. Get out!"

"Y/N, no. I won't."

"Get the fuck 'outta my room, Grimes!" You yelled with the force of a thunder storm. He nodded and made his way for the door when he turned around and said, "I'll be here. I'll... wait. And I'm sorry."

He left and suddenly the world just became louder. The peace that was once there had been evaporated.

Is it over now?

Maybe not. Maybe it is.

───── ❝ authors note ❞ ─────

Okay you sorry fucks! BEG ME to release a part 2 of this. BEG ME. GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES! grrr

anyway i love angst

also this is like such a cool moment for me. i just published two carl grimes fanfics in the span of two hours. im so hip and cool

[surr3al1sm]

I just wanted to come on here and make a little celebration post because Maybe Loving You is Dangerous has officially hit 100 kudo's! That number is like genuinely insane to me because I was expecting it to get like 30, max. I cannot believe it oh my god. I'm so grateful for everyone that has read my fic so far, that has left a kudo's, that has left a comment. It all really means the world to me, thank you so much. I truly wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you guys. I'm so happy you enjoyed the story so far, and I'm so excited for what's coming next because I get to have some fun. I hope you guys will like it! Now, surpisingly or not, I am very bad at talking about myself and my accomplishments. And since it's my celebration post I get to do what I want. Today that is being nice to some other writers. So I decided to leave a little note to the authors that inspired me to write and actually publish this fic under the cut. (So if you got tagged, that might be why). Feel free to read these notes if you want to, it's truly just me being an insufferable fanboy. If you did not get tagged, but we are mutuals (or friends) just know that you might have also had a role in the inspiration and motivation departments of this fic.

A note to @halfratsalready: I'm sure this comes as a surpise to no one, and I warned you I was going to tag you in something. But yeah, being very real and sappy with you: you're like one of my biggest inspirations for this. I was, and still am, absolutely enamored by the Lose Yourself series. I honestly feel confident enough to say that its my favourite Just Dance fic, ever. It's genuinely so well written and you executed everything so perfectly. I loved inserting it into my weekly schedule and I felt so inspired to write afterwards. I'm going to be a little sneaky and say that the whole reason I started even thinking about possibly writing a pre-canon fic. So truly, MLYiD owes Lose Yourself it's life. I joke around sometimes and call you my target audience, but honestly? You are. Everything I write is with your enjoyment in mind. I really do catch myself thinking "I hope Oboe likes this" while writing lol. I will forever be your nbr 1 fanboy, and I am so glad that we're friends. I wouldn't have it any other way.

A note to @libra-cant-just-dance: Hello there! You're the only one in here I haven't talked to, but I still wanted to tag you and tell you how much I love your fic. The Tainted City was such a great fic. I loved the plot and your story telling and the way you describe things is just so amazing. I really look up to it. The Tainted City was a bigger inspiration for my other fic than for this one, but honestly without it I doubt I would have ever started posting fics. So really, I owe you one at this point. Your fics are amazing and I cannot wait to see what you end up doing with Mirrored Walls!

A note to @lightning-and-sparks: Thorns was the first Just Dance fanfic I have ever read, and it will always be one of my favourites. I genuinely enjoy the story and you're such a good author as well. I'm so glad it's back and that I get to read weekly updated for it again. As you know, it is a very big inspiration for MLYiD and I might have accidentally stolen a few things from it but that was all in good faith and because it was all so good that I just had to. Keep it up, I need infinite Throns content (please.)

[goldenivy0]

SOME "PROOF" FOR E/RIEL USED IN A POST:

1) "I smiled at the thought, at how handsome they would be together."

2) "Why not make them mates?"

3) "Sometimes the bond picks poorly."

4) "What if the cauldron was wrong?"

SOME COMMENTS FROM THEIR FANS:

5) "It isn’t mentioned multiple times that the cauldron could be wrong for no reason. (also CC confirmed the cauldron is tainted) ..."

6) "This is what’s holding me together, that she wouldn’t put this in the books for no reason. And then find out in HOFAS the cauldron was in fact corrupt (messed with)."

-------------------------------------------------------

I should start this post by saying that even though I'm undoubtedly an Elucien fan, I don't consider myself a super confident one. There are days when I'm 110% sure it's gonna happen and there are others when my confidence fails me and my hopes for them fall to the ground, not because I don't think there's evidence for an Elucien endgame but because of this silly ship war that makes me question myself and my mental capabilities sometimes 😂 But anyways...

Ever since I became a part of the ACOTAR fanbase (which hasn't been that long) and became aware of the existence of a ship war I've always tried to see and understand both sides of it, I truly have, but my oh my... it's tough out here and there are things that I honestly can't comprehend. I haven't read CC yet so I don't have a clue about what "the cauldron was tainted and corrupted" means within the context of the story but seeing E/riel shippers using this argument against Elucien just makes me sad. If they truly believe that's the case (the cauldron was wrong, corrupted, etc..) why are they only questioning Elucien's mating bond? Why is it that I don't see even ONE E/riel questioning Nessian's mating bond? Because the bond snapped immediately for Elain and Lucien? Because Nesta and Cassian already had tension going on in ACOMAF before she was thrown into the cauldron and Elucien didn't? Well... breaking news... Elain and Lucien only met for the FIRST time that night in Hybern so we'll never know if any of them would feel the bond (especially Lucien) or even suspect of the existence of one if they had met before.

Picking quotes like quote number 1, 2, 3, 4 to prove that E/riel is endgame and saying things like comment 6 seems a little exaggerated to me and also not very cautious. While I agree that there's a reason why SJM added these lines to the books, couldn't that reason simply be her wanting to create doubt and division in the fanbase as a way to generate suspense and increase the engagement for the next books? Cause that's exactly what happened...

(P.S.: This is literally my first post on Tumblr so I'm sorry if it's terrible or if it doesn't make sense lol)

[sniper-childe]

i highkey just want to be a Honkai blog now HAHAHAHHAHA

[qcomicsy]

Lately I've only been wishing to grab a comic about my favorite character and just have a genuinely good time reading it.

[disposal-blueeee]

doodlesssss

scriabin belongs to zarla-s

edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez

[seoafin]

i havent felt so strongly about a fic until i read ripverse. it reminded me of why i love reading and memories of me staying up till the early hours of the morning just reading something so good and so worthwhile finding. thank u

crying in the club rn

[b4kuch1n]

so sorry if this is an annoying question, but what brush do you use for lineart? the soft, crunchiness of it compliments your style so so much...

it's not annoying at all! I do fully recognise that the specific brushes I use to draw contribute hugely to my process, least of all because they have a certain kinetic "feeling" to roll out onto the canvas lol. this is the brush I currently use to ink!

it's a lot less 'textured' and much softer than my previous inking brush, but just as hard to magic wand when I need to color in lol. the SAI textures and brushmaps I have on this setup can be found over here - the person who originally made them was on deviantArt but has deleted their account a long time ago, and I still haven't been able to find them again 😔

[lucy-ghoul]

twice in less than 2 pages..... tolstoj sir i beg you ENOUGH with this pregnancy propaganda 😭😭😭

[yotd2009]

100% sure that jinako would be infinitely more popular/more merchandised if she was thin and her weight is the only thing holding her back

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Ya know, current setups are real fun, but I've been playing horse games again lately and I've noticed some things...

If Roxy were to find the horses in storage and decide to keep them as her own, her only knowledge of horses up to that point would be horse games. I'm trying to think about the other ones I've played because I can't say I ever really looked for accuracy before, but depending on the games, Roxy would have a surprisingly hard time with this.

To my memory, none of them have the saddle positioned correctly. I don't remember any that used martingales or chest plates which some of the Plex horsies have. Horse games are designed in such a way that you can visibly see where the budget and time was put in, meaning you have some games that tell you a little about what you're doing, and some that are very detailed about certain aspects of horse care, but completely fuck up the rest of it. It's fascinating to me.

If Roxy played Bella Sara for example, she would know you can't ride until you've cared for your horse, but she wouldn't know about any sports outside of show jumping. If she played Pony Friends, she would know about trail riding, that racing is a thing and that horses get sick if not cared for properly, but may not understand that you can't ride a sick horse. Sick horses aren't really relevant here, but you see my point.

Like the standard sports tend to be show jumping, cross country and the chronically under-explained dressage games. They also all have a mechanic for brushing the horse and cleaning the hooves out, with most of them having you clean out the stable too. BUT none of them are consistent outside of that. So even if she played a bunch of them, she's not going to know what she's doing at all

Brushing and combing is straight forward enough. There's a method to doing hooves and stuff she'd not know but if she can figure out how to lift their foot up, she'll be fine. She may also know about leg wraps from some games and would find it pretty easy to do simple hairstyles with them, though the tail would be a bit harder.

But that saddle is not staying on that horse. She may get a basic bridle right but probably doesn't know what the bit is. The horses are literally built to help in teaching this stuff and they're struggling trying to find ways to help her but they're fucking horses man. What are they gonna do? All they can do is kinda give her a nudge, make loud noises, move out the way, steal shit and bite her. The Minis are trying to help but they also don't know what they're doing at all so that's not working either

The absolute relief when Roxy finds Foxy's bird and reactivates her. They've never been so excited to see a duck before. Things get easier at least, but lack of information is only part of the issue for Roxy so uhh... Yeah it's not the biggest improvement ever, but hey! At least the saddle's staying on this time!

[disengaged]

i just got so sad about my ex out of nowhere. help

[feyascorner]

Okay perhaps this sounds odd but imagine Astarion starts to disassociate while intimate with Tav and so he uses their established safe word, only to be bewildered when Tav actually listens to him and stops and asks if he’s okay and tries to comfort him because nobody has cared that much before 😢

OH GODS WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME (i love it) warning for suggestive content :)

For as long as Astarion's been genuinely intimate with you, for no other reasons but simply because of the affection the two of you hold for one another, he has always been in control.

It soothes him, in a way, to be on top. And as much as he enjoys watching you come undone beneath him, there's a more frustrating reason behind why he always feels the need to be the one to push you down onto whatever surface he deems decent enough at the time. From above you, he can see every little twitch in your body, every shift in your expression, and most of all, he can control what's happening, unlike his centuries spent as a seductive tool for Cazador's own needs.

He knows you're not like those fools. He knows you're different, and you're special to him. But the gnawing voice in the back of his head always forces him to pull you in, to hold you closer, to make love to you.

It's fucked up in so many ways.

"I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel."

But when you look up at him with those imploring, loving eyes, the voice seems to go quiet. He swallows the dryness of his throat, unable to think of anything but how wonderful your touch feels on his skin, and he thinks he could drown in this forever. He's putty in your hands, whether he wants to admit it or not.

"Well? Don't be a tease just standing there, darling."

In what feels like minutes, he's a mess. He's making sounds he shouldn't be making, fingertips digging into your hips as if they're the anchors keeping him from finishing too early. He breathes heavily into the crook of your neck, groaning when you caress the sharp tip of his ear between your fingers.

The only thing keeping him from spilling is the impending embarrassment he'd feel for doing so this early on in the night.

Then, everything stops.

"You're so beautiful," you whisper.

They're only words. They're not ones he's heard little of---in fact, he's heard it too much in the past two hundred years. In an instant, memories of the nights he spent under strangers, forced to shove his mind into its darkest corners just to get through their own pleasures, flood his consciousness. The sickening taste in his mouth afterward, and the need to rub his skin till it goes raw were not uncommon. It was routine. A sick part of his life that he'd rather forget.

You don't mean it the same way they did. They only said things like that because that's all they could say. They didn't know him as anything but the husk of a body he resided in. He knows you are saying the words to him. Not to his body but to the very person he is.

But the word comes spilling out his mouth, and immediately, you freeze.

You actually stopped.

Of course, you would. You're you.

"Are you okay? Did I do something?" you reach to cup either of his cheeks, and he stares at you as if you're a star that's fallen from the sky. He blinks, slowly.

"I don't know, I just---" he searches for words. "--you haven't done anything wrong, darling."

You wait for him to finish patiently. Gods, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve you.

"I only remembered something I'd rather not," he plasters a crooked grin on his face. "It's quite alright. We can continue now if I haven't ruined the mood."

You pull away from him, and he fears you'll leave.

Moments later, you return with a glass of water. Wordlessly, you hand it to him, and he only stares at it, confused beyond belief. Only once he notices the way you gesture to the glass does he drink it, and you finally climb back into bed, lying down beside him.

"Come here," you open your arm, motioning him to come closer.

"Darling, as much as I'm all for experimenting, that's a strange position to have sex in."

You smile, shaking your head. You don't explain any further, only continuing to hold out your arm.

Hesitant though curious, he slowly lies down beside you, his head just above your chest and slotted between the space below your chin. With gentle hands, you pull him closer and toss the blanket over both of your bodies.

It's warm. Strange, but warm.

"You don't have to wear a mask with me," you whisper.

His eyes grow wide, and his chest stills. He doesn't have many tears left after 239 years, but there's an unfamiliar squeeze in his chest that tells him if he were still 39 and alive, he might have. Astarion wraps his arms around your waist, burying his face into where he can hear the steady beating of your heart.

Later, when your eyes begin to droop, he mumbles.

"Tell me I'm beautiful again."

"You're beautiful," you say softly. "With or without your pretty face."

You might be imagining it, but you feel him smile against your skin.