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secondbeatsongs · 1 day ago

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Food Crime: Frosty the Slawman

so a while ago, I saw this photo going around on tumblr:

at first, I thought this was photoshopped. I mean, "welcome new man in your life"? that feels like a translation error, or someone being silly on purpose.

but guess what! turns out, Frosty Slaw Man is real!

and soon...he will be mine. let's get cooking

(full disclosure: I crafted this snowman and took notes about it over a year ago. and then, like with many things in my life, I forgot about him, and let him drift into the ADHD void of Things I'm Not Currently Staring At, where object permanence is tentative and largely unrealized.

but here we are! and here he is: the slaw man. it's time to share him with you, so that you can suffer as I have suffered, and/or rejoice in my gelatin creation!)

so this recipe photo originally came from Mid-Century Menu (archive link), a blog that seems like one after my own heart, and which once tried to make the Slaw Man (with not much success; but we'll get back to that)! but it's not just that blog that has copies of this ad. I also found it on reddit, and in a few different places on ebay!

lookit that guy! he's a real guy!

both the reddit post and some of the ebay listings say that this is from 1963 (though I haven't been able to figure out which magazines it was printed in, to confirm this for myself). but in looking this up, I discovered something else fun! there's another version of this ad!

Best Foods is what Hellmann's stuff is called on the west coast, and the "this is no place for second best" thing makes a lot more sense when you consider that the ad was probably made for Best Foods first, and then just reused and rebranded for the east coast

the more you know!

anyway the benefit of finding this alternate ad is that the scan on this image is a lot clearer, and so the recipe is more readable! and in looking at it, I've realized something important:

when Mid-Century Menu tried this recipe, they got an ingredient amount wrong.

when they made their beloved Slaw Man, they had the water amount written down as 1/4 cup, but looking at this scan up close, it is actually 3/4 cup of water! something that might make a significant difference, considering we're working with gelatin!

(there's also another change I want to make compared to what they did, when I do this recipe. but we'll get into that in a sec.)

for now: we begin

so. there's no way I'm making a Slaw Man this large. I am just one person, and considering the ingredients of this, I don't think I'm going to be able to consume that much Slaw.

two entire heads of cabbage? three pounds of cottage cheese, a thing that I don't even like to eat? no. that's a bad idea.

so I'm starting small here and making this 1/3 the size of the original:

2 packets of unflavored gelatin 1/4 cup cold water 1 cup mayo 1 tsp salt 1lb cottage cheese 4 cups shredded cabbage

surely this will result in a reasonable amount of Man

...okay, I started chopping the cabbage thinking it would be easier, but I've given up and pulled out a grater. this is much better! and somehow more violent (affectionate)

the recipe says to soften the gelatin in cold water, and then stir over hot water until it's dissolved. I'm going to assume "stir over hot water" means a double boiler, so let's do that

hmmm, the gelatin is very foamy? it’s melted, but the bottom of the pot feels really....sticky

okay. after a couple minutes more and no change, I’m calling this good enough.

so one thing that others who have attempted this recipe have not taken into consideration is the cottage cheese. you see, the others used normal cottage cheese, but the recipe says to use "cottage cheese, cream style"

I’ll be real, I’m not 100% what that means, since we don’t have that here. but I can take an educated guess! so let’s blend the cottage cheese!

(with an immersion blender. I am not willing to wash an actual blender because of this)

mmm, yes. very smooth

...actually. why isn't all cottage cheese like this? the thing I hate about cottage cheese is the texture, so why isn't it all smooth and creamy like this?? I could eat this!!

a new discovery is made every day in this house.

okay, time to start mixing things together.

ah, frosty. I opened a whole new thing of mayo for you! do you feel special?

(I'd make a "pre-dinner snack?" joke, but sometimes I think I'm the only one that remembers Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time)

okay, the mayo, cottage cheese, and salt have been added to the gelatin. but as this cools, the texture is getting...hmm. less than appealing.

lastly: the cabbage

oh. oh this is not very nice

next it says to pack the "salad" into a one pound container, and two six-cup bowls, but since I made this recipe so much smaller, I'm going to uhhhh. uh. find some bowls that seem like they'd be correct...snowman? proportions?

ah. this bowl is too big.

hey, these'll work!

now I just have to let them chill for a while, and continue another day.

(edit from current!me: ahhh oh my god I forgot this was pretty soon after we adopted Jackie! look at these cat pics that I took while I was food crime-ing!

look at them having their little interactions! Knuckles was trying so hard to be friends with her! I love them)

hello! two days later and we are ready to assemble the slawman. and my sibling has started referring to him as "frosty: attorney at slaw", so that's fun.

I've done a thing where, as these set, I flipped them around in the bowl so that hopefully they'd be more round. we'll see if they actually stay like this.

I have also made some decorations for him out of peppers, olives, and carrots!

let's build our boy

oh he's so heavy. and wobbly

no no no he almost fell over!!

okay. he's fine. but more skewers were needed.

and...okay. he is complete.

behold!

gaze upon my beautiful man!

(he is not structurally sound! he wobbles unsteadily as I rotate him! there are already cracks forming in the gelatin around where his arms are! don't worry about it!)

now it's time to stab him

and...to devour him

this tastes like...a bland coleslaw? and not even that. it's just sort of a salty, cottage cheese-y cabbage. the ingredients don't combine to become something greater, they simply...sit there. like this.

and the texture is...mmm. it's not a jello kind of texture, but it is a bit squashy in a way that's mildly strange.

it's very creamy once it softens in your mouth.

...I don't like this!

and look! taking just that one chunk from him was enough to destabilize him entirely :(

RIP frosty. now I just have to see if I can eat all of you before you go bad.

(note from current!me: I could not.

��I ate maybe half of him over the course of many days, often adding other stuff to him to try to add some flavor: bacon, frozen peas, cheese, etc. but even with that, I just couldn't stomach him.

after a while I stuck what was left of him in the freezer, hoping that maybe I'd find the will to consume the rest of him some other day.

do you know what a frozen-and-then-thawed mixture of cabbage, cottage cheese, mayo, and gelatin looks and tastes like?

bad. the answer is: bad.

I threw him out pretty quickly after thawing him.

do not try this recipe at home)

#food crimes #vintage recipe #vintage cooking #frosty slaw man #frosty the slaw man #hellmann's #best foods #(like the brand not the concept of the slaw man)#(he is not the best food. he will haunt me. never again)#I could improve upon him tbh. like there's definitely a form of this that could be edible #but I'd do it with cream cheese for structural integrity instead of gelatin and cottage cheese #he could be more of a cheese ball #that'd be fine #but this? no. don't try this #it's a lot of work for too much slaw and not much flavor

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yourkeeperoftherunners · 7 years ago

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Avec Nocturne Ch. 5

Summary: AU A little thing called the flu forced him to call out sick for days. What he didn’t bargain for was his workplace hiring a girl to spin the tracks while he was out. He’s pissed off but why’s he thinking random thoughts about her?

Rating: PG-13 (Language, Strip Club setting, Flirting)

Characters: DJ!Chanyeol x Kit OC, featuring appearances of OT12 members

Notes: This is a spin-off (no pun intended!) series of Unwind written by @xiubaek13 and @oh-beyond. (Written with their blessing – thank you!) I own nothing except for my own OC and the content written here. (I recommend reading Unwind first to get a better understanding of the story’s universe.) I do not claim to be an expert in DJ-ing. Banner created by me. Absolutely no reposting anywhere else as your own!

Ch. 4 | Ch. 6

Relief was an understatement when Chanyeol walked into the booth the following day. Words were meaningless in describing the sensation of peace and familiarity he felt, turning on the soundboard, slipping his headphones around his neck, and fingers running across the grooves of the records on the turn tables. If his crazy life filled with mundane adult tasks (paying bills, finishing university, etc.) and the stresses of living in an apartment complex was a sound, he’d liken it to white noise.

Yet no one ever saw the chaos – he was skilled at hiding those stressful factors behind his cheerful, boisterous personality. He chalked his optimistic outlook to his mother and sister, who had similar outlooks on life: work hard and try to find the positives in a situation.

He engrossed himself in playing with a few Korean songs for a possible mashup, which made him forget about the awkward welcomes he got from Chen and Sehun earlier that evening.

While the pair hadn’t been frosty or rude per se, they were certainly acting off. Chen mumbled his hello and the smile seemed a little forced when eyes met. Sehun kept his eyes glued to the metal shaker he was polishing and was softly rapping a line from a new song playing over the radio as of this summer. He had taken a break at one point to leave Chanyeol a cold bottle of water by the booth door, placing it on the ground before saying something about getting back to work.

“You’re back! Aish, you look terrible – did you put on BB cream? If not, there’s some backstage,” Tao greeted him, rapping on the door to the booth.

“Hello Tao-yah,” Chanyeol replied, looking up from his laptop, “I blame the flu for my paleness – don’t ever get sick like that. It’s like death!”

“Yeah, so I see,” Tao sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest. ��But seriously hyung, what color for BB cream? You could use it.”

Chanyeol raised a hand and shook his head, offering an apologetic smile to the young man. “Thank you but I don’t like wearing makeup that much. Besides, no one’s going to see my face in this lighting.”

Tao rolled his eyes before bidding him goodbye, sauntering over to the backstage entrance.

Definitely not charmed by the girl DJ, Chanyeol thought with an amused smile. Sure Tao gave him and the other staff members a hard time, but you could count on the young man to not sugar coat things – he’d tell you what he was thinking.

“YAH! You’re back! What’s this about D.O. having to restrain you?” Baekhyun demanded as he crushed the taller man in a tight hug.

Chanyeol chuckled as he hugged the shorter boy back, a smile spreading across his cheeks.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“He said we got a new DJ who was a girl but I haven’t seen her! Is she pretty? What kind of clothes does she wear?” Baekhyun asked, staring up at Chanyeol with wide, curious eyes.

Chanyeol’s face fell at the mention of Kit and he scowled, shoulders scrunching up as he pulled away from his best friend. Baekhyun immediately noticed the change in attitude and tilted his head in confusion.

“Hey, is she not here anymore? I said something wrong didn’t I? Look, I haven’t seen her and neither has Suho-hyung so naturally I’m curious!”

Chanyeol cast a side glance at his friend who was pouting cutely about his sudden gruff behavior. Most of their clientele adored him because he was “cute” or “puppy-like” and he had this way with making people feel better about their day. It was hard to stay angry at Baekhyun, even about this.

“Sorry Baekhyun-ah,” Chanyeol murmured as he softened his expression. “I hardly know her – she just works here part time and I’m guessing she’s older because Sehun and Chen call her ‘Noona’. She’s not from here, I think, ‘cause her English is good.”

“She’s an American,” Chen chimed in as he joined them outside. “Korean born but this is her first visit back since being adopted. I uh, only know this because Xiumin had me check her passport to make sure she was old enough to work here. 1990 was the birth year from what I recall.”

Crap she was older – another strike against him, Chanyeol thought as he leaned against the wall, staring off into the distance. Yesterday after he had left in a huff, he got a call from his mom, who wanted to check on him.

“Kyungsoo called and told me you came down with the flu,” she said when he picked up.

“He brought medicine and made me soup and tea Umma,” he reassured her. “I’m much better now. Finally back at work too.”

“I’ve always liked that young man – he’s a good friend to take care of you,” his mother replied with a smile. “Are you okay?”

He froze at that question and bit his lip, unsure of how to respond. The memory of Kit moving away from him, the bruising on her arms, and her wary expression toward him lingered in his mind.

“...Um uh,” he stuttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “Ah Umma, I messed up. ...There was a girl, um my bosses brought her in to temporarily cover for me while I was out sick. They didn’t tell me but when I came in today and saw her in the booth, I um...I got upset. I yelled and...I’m really sorry.”

“...Chanyeol,” his mother said in a soft voice, “I’m sure it wasn’t her fault. She was only doing what was told of her. Try putting yourself in her shoes – if your bosses told you that you had to play music until someone returned, no specific time frame mentioned, wouldn’t you continue to come in until they said something?”

He swallowed hard and nodded closing his eyes. “I screwed up Umma and I know it was wrong. But...I got so upset because...that’s my favorite place to be. When I step into the booth, I put those headphones on and for a while, I’m not thinking about being an adult or all of the responsibilities I need to handle. I’m doing something I want that I like. I, I don’t think I was mad at her but maybe...”

“Your bosses should have spoken up I agree,” his mother reassured him. “I’m sure they never intended to betray you or make it seem like you were being replaced. Kyungsoo said you gave them notice despite being bedridden and they likely scrambled and tried to come up with a Plan B. Was there any indication that she was unfriendly toward you?”

“No Umma, she actually introduced herself and I yelled at her,” he mumbled, feeling stupid that he had done so. “She was calm and all I did was get upset with her. I think...I think she’s scared of me though. She wouldn’t look me in the eye afterwards.”

“Did you try to apologize to her?”

He shook his head.

“Not yet Umma. But...I will, okay?”

“Chanyeol-ah! Don’t you need to get back to the booth soon?” Baekhyun asked, nudging him sharply.

Chanyeol blinked and snapped out of his trace, checking the large watch on his wrist. He had about 3 minutes to get back to the booth before his break was up.

“Thanks Baekhyun-ah,” he murmured as he pushed himself off the wall.

Chen checked his watch and claimed he needed to head back soon as well. Both slipped through the doors and walked toward the main entrance. Chen cleared his throat and addressed Chanyeol as they neared the front desk.

“Listen, I’m sorry for seeming distant Chanyeol-ah,” Chen apologized. “I’m not mad at you and I’m not saying I side with anyone, but I was shocked to see you so upset. I guess I’m so used to seeing you happy 99% of the time and didn’t realize that maybe it’s because you really like doing this.”

Chanyeol glanced over his shoulder and nodded, a small smile crossing his lips. “I forgive you Chen-ah, but I know I overreacted. Hey, I’m probably not going to see her this week, you know ‘cause of schedules, but um, would you let Kit...noona know that I’m sorry?”

Chen blinked but quickly composed himself and said he would relay the message when she came in for Thursday. He slid behind the desk and took a seat, scribbling a small memo to himself.

“Have you...ever looked up her SoundCloud page?” Chen asked as the DJ began to walk back to the main performance stage. “I mean, I know nothing about music, but she seems to have a good understanding of it, like you. Maybe you guys could talk about that after all of this?”

“I brought KFC – new recipe I wanted to try out,” D.O. announced when he stopped over at Chanyeol’s apartment. He frowned as he strained his ears, hearing a dark moody beat with a lower pitched woman’s vocals coming from the bedroom.

“Chanyeol, are you mixing things at this hour?” D.O. asked as he tapped lightly on the door before pushing it open. He blinked when he saw Chanyeol seated at his desk, laptop opened to a SoundCloud page and it was playing a mix. His friend’s eyes were closed as he moved his hands to the beat of the music, head nodding with the downbeats.

D.O. walked closer and squinted to see the song playing, doing a double take when he saw the name on the page. “Are you listening to...?”

“Chen shared the link with me,” Chanyeol sighed as he opened his eyes, sitting up straighter. He hit Pause on the audio and turned toward D.O. “This does not leave this room. I got a little curious, okay?”

D.O. nodded to show he understood and he held up the container of fried chicken. “Plenty for a couple of nights and I made slaw to go with it. Chicken’s not too spicy so you’ll be able to tolerate it. Let me know what you think.”

Chanyeol smiled widely as he held his hands out for the container, bowing his head low to thank D.O. for the food. He yanked off the lid and placed it on the desk, taking a deep breath as the smell of spices and chicken hit his nose. He accepted the chopsticks from D.O. and snapped them in half, using them to pick up a medium piece.

“I’ll leave you be – make sure to get to bed at a decent hour,” D.O. ordered him as he turned to leave.

“Thank you Kyungsoo-yah,” Chanyeol murmured through a mouthful of chicken.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” D.O. shot back as he retreated from the bedroom.

Chanyeol swiveled around in his seat and pressed Play again, closing his eyes as the female vocals crooned over the sharp, EDM beats:

They told me you were never gonna let me get away And if you tell me fiction, you will never get me back I had to get away, I had to get away, ay, ay

He swallowed a bite of chicken and sighed as he put down the piece, reaching for his water beside the laptop. Okay, she could actually mix, period. Her song choices matched up well and transitions were pretty seamless. Upon quick glance at the clock at the top of his screen, he realized he had been listening to her mixes for almost an hour and a half. No he wasn’t obsessed, but maybe he could squeeze in one last song mix before calling it a night.

“Research,” he rationalized as he clicked on another mashup posted to her page.

“You wanted me to come in? But I thought it was Chanyeol’s day?” Kit asked as she met Xiumin at the front. She had gotten a call in the morning asking her to come in the early afternoon – something important to discuss. She was surprised to find the club completely dead – even Chen wasn’t there at the front desk to lend a friendly face. Xiumin had to let her in and he was ushering her back to the office.

“Yes, tonight he will play as usual, but there’s something else we need to discuss with both of you,” Xiumin explained as he opened the door. He gestured for her to go first and she hesitantly stepped through the entrance, seeing Luhan seated at the desk and Chanyeol in the same seat as the previous time.

Kit bit back a sigh as she took a seat in the same chair and set her bag down beside her feet, crossing her arms over her chest. She kept her eyes straight ahead and waited for the managers to speak.

“Thank you both for coming in on such short notice,” Luhan said with a polite smile. “What we’re about to discuss is top secret and cannot leave this room. It involves the VIP program we have here.” He moved his seat back slightly and opened a drawer in the desk, pulling out a blank confidentiality form from a folder. He closed the drawer and passed the form over to Kit, followed by an elaborate Mont Blanc fountain pen. “Please read and sign at the bottom.”

Kit blinked as she accepted the form and the pen, bringing it closer so she could read the tiny font for some of the detailed areas of the agreement. She tried to read it quickly but thoroughly, not wanting to sign her life away. After a few minutes, she uncapped the pen, leaned forward, and scrawled ‘Kit N. Adler’ on the line at the bottom of the page. She passed the form and pen back to Luhan, who thanked her with a brief nod of his head.

Chanyeol watched as she did this, lacing his fingers together in his lap. If this was for what he thought it was, then...

“Let me guess – we’re closing the place to the general for some high rollers?” Kit offered as she leaned back in her seat.

Xiumin nodded sharply and added, “Yes, but we didn’t just have you sign this agreement for their safety. You see, these are very special VIP clients – we have a very limited staff working when they’re here. We ask that you do not share details of this experience with anyone else working here. Understood?”

“Crystal,” she uttered with a nod. “So you need both of us?”

“Yes, but not just music,” Luhan replied as he laced his long fingers together. He brought his index fingers to his lips and tapped them lightly with a thoughtful look. “Chanyeol, you are familiar with the set-up and equipment for this scenario, I need you to train Kit this afternoon for this event. I trust you’ll be able to work peacefully together without any problems?”

Both DJs exchanged a look and Kit swallowed the lump in her throat as she managed a faint sideways nod and Chanyeol pushed out a somewhat convincing smile.

“Good! Now I’ll leave you two to prepare,” Luhan said as he dismissed them with a wave of his hand. “Remember, you both are to remain silent on the details of this VIP experience with those working in the club and outside. Believe me when I say that the consequences for violating the agreement aren’t...pleasant.”

The DJs rose from their seats, bowing their heads before exiting the office. They walked to the main performance hall in silence, Chanyeol sneaking a few looks over his shoulder at Kit, who was looking around the hallway to avoid eye contact. Once they made it to the hall, Chanyeol dug around in his pockets for his set of keys and began looking for the one to open the DJ booth.

“I feel like I’m a stagehand again,” Kit muttered to herself as she gripped the strap on her bag.

“Eh? Stage what?” Chanyeol asked as he glanced back at her with a confused look.

Kit tore her gaze from the ground and shrugged indifferently. “Just forget it – I’m rambling.”

Chanyeol stared at her before locating the key, inserting it into the lock. He stuffed the keys into his pocket and began turning on the machines, stepping to the far right to give Kit room to enter.

“You um, already know all of this,” he murmured as he gestured to the turn tables and mixing equipment. “Luhan didn’t mention what this does though, right?” He pointed to a separate switchboard which was unmarked and he bent down to ensure everything was hooked up properly. As he checked the connections for the separate set of controls, he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“You did drama?” he persisted with a tilt of his head.

“No I helped with lighting, background, and making the actors look good,” Kit replied as her hand moved from her bag strap to her arm. “That was way back in high school. Look, you don’t have to pretend to be interested – I know I’m wrecking the bro code here and –”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted her.

Kit raised a brow and stared at him in surprise.

Chanyeol turned his attention from the switchboard and looked up from where he was kneeling. “I said, I’m sorry...noona. For the bruises. For...um, yelling.” He dropped his hands to his sides and began looking around the booth. “This booth is my safe space. When I’m here, I can be free. I’m not stressed about life or what’s expected of me as an adult. Here, I can call the shots and make my own rules, well sort of.”

Kit let go of her arm and she scanned his face for his expression. She hoisted her bag up and slipped the strap up and over her head, placing it on the ground against the back wall of the booth.

“I get it,” she said. “D.O. mentioned that you were in the dark when I first started. In my defense, I’ve determined both Mr. Cat Eyes and Mr. Fancy Pants prefer to amp up the air of mystery instead of laying it all on the table right away.” She mimicked Xiumin waving his hand away when she asked her burning questions on the first day. “You’ll meet everyone later. We’ll discuss payment later, but don’t worry, we will pay for your services. Oh and doors open soon!”

Chanyeol snickered at her impression of the manager. He straightened up and tried to stand up, almost falling on his butt until Kit offered a hand. He mumbled a thank you before he hoisted himself up and pretended to dust off his clothes. He cleared his throat and pointed to the controls on this special switchboard.

“This one controls the water features,” he explained as he pointed to the stage. “This will turn it on, this is for the amount of water...”

Song List

Trainwrecked by a Monster – Trainwrecked (BANKS) and Monster (EXO)

#Avec Nocturne #EXO Chanyeol #EXO AU #EXO Xiumin #EXO Suho #EXO Sehun #EXO Baekhyun #EXO D.O.#EXO Kai #EXO Tao #EXO Kris #EXO Luhan #EXO Lay #EXO Chen #EXO Chanyeol imagine #EXO imagine #yourkeeperoftherunners original #number 2133

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