#there's a little bit of nuance missing without the preamble

[nightiingaled]

The relationships I've formed with people here, ooc and ic, they mean the world to me. Those relationships and the potential to go forward and make even more, I couldn't let that slip me by, right? I'm so happy to end 2024 and enter the new year with yall. It means the world to me to have known you. I've got no real resolutions or anything. I just want to get better and I hope that whatever holds you back, whatever pains you, stays behind in 2024 too.

[inventors-fair]

Rooms of Improvement: Commentary

Whuh... Where am I? I stumbled through so many rooms with no exit, ran out of time, ran into even more time, ran up and down the staircases until I didn't know whether I was going up OR down... I closed doors to rooms I know I'd never been inside, and found myself on the other side of doors I never remembered closing...

Well, might as well talk about some of those rooms. Overall, I'd say that I'm pleased as punch with how everyone did in the end. Imaginative rooms were combined with new/old/relevant tech and everything felt pretty damn fresh! Enchantments and rooms almost feel incongruous, but what else would they be, artifacts? It's interesting to think about their role in the game and how they are on Duskmourn as a plane; they're essentially nightmarish visions of the residents. But not everything has to be intangible, right? Enchantments as representations are super weird. I feel that rooms are the type that really speaks to how much you have to suspend your disbelief about what a room "is" in order to fully immerse yourself.

This is all preamble, though, and there ain't much we can do about it now except talk about the cards on a card-by-card basis. If you see something marked JUDGE PICK, it means that the card is notable in a way I wanted to point out to commentary readers and/or it was really close to the podium but we only have so many slots. Let's run through all these rooms right back the way we came...

@cthulhusaurusrex — Abandoned Queue / House of Mirrors

I'm struggling a little bit to find the flavor connection between the queue and the deathtouch counters. The carnival aspect is quite interesting, though, and I like the nuanced link with the carnival theme, e.g. the sameness of a queue's monotony and turning everything into an assembly line vs. the reflections of a house of mirrors that trap a victim in its sameness. And I also understand the deathtouch-to-pinging part of it that's supposed to be a cute connection with the destruction. Is it worth it to put the counters on your opponent's things, though? I'd argue not, not in the long term.

Still, the concept of getting the two-in-one that could potentially kill your opponent's board is respectable in concept. Where I feel this card misses the mark is the drawback between intent and execution. Putting deathtouch counters on your own creatures is an excellent way of getting aggression in. If you've already put the counters on and your opponent has no creatures, though, the House (if unlocked) will kill your own board. The choice of the Queue either fails to account for the House or asks that the House do more than the drawback of putting counters on your opponent's creatures will allow. Selective targeting could make for strong strategy, but it's not the kind of effect that can be utilized without a lot of agonizing over choices that are ultimately not worth the risk.

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@helloijustreadyourpost — Casino Floor / Manager's Vault

I think that some of the single notes got cleared at time of writing, so I'm gonna go off of vibes and say that this is a New Capenna-based card? The final verdict is that this card's really sweet with a whole lot of power on the Casino Floor side that makes me want to up the cost of it for sure. Looting every turn—especially optional looting—is far more powerful in some decks than others, and if you can get it off then you're in for a wild ride. Getting your worst cards swept away as early as turn two (and then on and on) in limited? Hoo boy. It's not advantage strictly speaking, I'll give you that, but it's definitely more than I'd be comfortable with at limited for that cost.

Turn two, drop the Floor, turn three, unlock the Vault and maybe play another card, or you can save your mana for the next turn having discarded a card to the Floor to get a seven-drop that you looted into on turn four. That's kinda nuts. REALLY nuts. Consistent for sure. And I don't think that I hate that play pattern in general but I feel like we should just up the cost of the Floor or change SOMEthing about it to balance this out. Again, I like it a lot, I know that it's good—I have also been burned many a time by early consistency enough that I know when to pump the brakes. Quick note on the flavor, though: I love it, and I like the "two sides of the city's underbelly" vibes that you're going for. Great precedent, great feeling of exploration.

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@hypexion — Plague Vats / Necrogen Silo

I'm not sure exactly what format you'd be designing for, but I don't envision any standard set that would have the Room type, proliferate, wither, and Phyrexian mana all on the same card. There are a lot of decent ideas that are going into this card, sure—wither with the Silo before a strategic unlocking of the Vats, and you're good to go. I'm not strictly opposed to the one-off of old mechanics that they've added before, like having wither appear on cards like Massacre Girl from MKM. You're asking a lot more with this mashup than I think would ever be reasonable for a premier set.

I get the gist of the flavor, though, so I'll extend the play feelings to say that it's totally fine for a Phyrexian room choice to have these both in the, uh... Whatever the black sphere was, the Dross Pits? It's been a while since I've really gone into Phyrexian lore again. The Vats are what create the poison, sure, and your creatures use the Silo's feeding tube things to go ham on the counters. As for why the wither part has the Phyrexian mana, that part also confuses me a little, but maybe we don't really need an excuse for cost reductions, I dunno. Still, we've yet to hit the middle ground of appropriate mechanics to premier guidelines. What would be the main ones that would belong in this set, anyway? Curious what you had in mind.

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@izzet-always-r-versus-u — Dressing Room / Center Stage (JUDGE PICK)

"I'M GETTING READY," screams the Questing Beast from the dressing room, hurriedly finding six matching pairs of earrings before you send it out to the spotlight for our opening number of Spamalot! or whatever. Let's be real, this one is just plain fun to get together, and I don't think there was a plane attached but I could see this card on multiple fronts. Bloomburrow could be a funky little community to see squirrels in drag, or maybe it's still Duskmourn where someone is forced into being puppeteered in the spotlight. Eldraine and its players would be just fine, or the glamor of New Capenna, etc. Lots of ways for this card to really shine.

The comparison to Innkeeper's Talent is where we're at right now, of course, but that hardly matters because this card's going a completely different direction. Lure effects aren't the strongest, or at least they don't seem to be against more removal-based strategies. I personally love them, though, and they can really clump a board together to swing in for lethal when you have the opportunity. Having a creature with deathtouch is the funniest option, of course, but after a few turns of getting dressed up, you're good to swing. Maybe this was intended to be more serious. I don't read it that way! I'm getting into the levity of this card and the power that beefing up creatures in both limited and constructed can offer you.

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@levelzeo — Forgotten Observatory / Mad-Man's Study

I've been thoroughly impressed with how folks have chosen to expand upon how Rooms can be designed for this contest. Like with this card, having two full-unlock triggers changes how you'd want to use these rooms, the order, what would benefit you, etc. And it makes me want to see what the rest of the room cycle would look like, and it makes me want to design some in this vein myself! And looking at how the Observatory would flow into the Study, how the two doors would answer one or another depending on what you choose to explore first in terms of knowledge... Really neat stuff.

I think there's a small issue in that once they unlock, there's no static ability or reason to keep these rooms around. It turns room functionality into more sorcery-like cards than enchantments in my opinion? I mean that in the sense that once you unlock the rooms, they become permanents with no board functionality, and that's kind of a mechanical feelbad. But there are workarounds, probably. Not sure what they would be but there are potential workarounds. The only other wording tweaks would be with how replacement effects are worded. It can be interpreted in the first room that if it's fully unlocked, you wouldn't surveil because the "instead" would replace it all. The wording could be: "When you unlock this door, surveil 2. Then if this room is fully unlocked, draw two cards. Otherwise, draw a card." (Little clunky, but it's clearer.) For the Study, the only change would be "...create two of those tokens instead."

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@melancholia-ennui — Karok Pen / Mulch Heap

I think I like what you've done with the costs here. From RNA and GRN, I was a huge fan of the hybrid-and-multi variable costs, and it works well with targeted destruction vs. life-draw. I guess the fact that the Heap isn't actually hybrid is throwing me off a little bit? Maybe it's supposed to be splashier, but this card can't actually go into just black or just green or those colors; it's a false hybrid. With the complications of the effects themselves, I'm not sure if that was the best choice for how to cost this card. Why limit the perceived variability?

As for the Karok pen, there are a few weird cost-oriented ideas getting thrown around this contest, and while I grok it I don't think that's the way to go. "Unlocking this room costs {2} more unless you've sacrificed a creature or gained life this turn" could've been fine, or you could've just had a sacrifice, or just the life benefit—one of the things instead of both with all that text. Additionally, on the Heap side of things, you really wanna watch out for multiple card draw effects in these colors. Morbid Opportunist is good enough as it is. While this is a five-mana enchantment, landing this card in even a marginally good deck can lead to a massive uptick in card advantage that's hard to come back from. Maybe narrow that down a bit. I feel that this card's a great Witherbloom case, but could be simplified for sure for ease of access.

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@misterstingyjack — Explorer's Memorial / Hall of Expeditions (JUDGE PICK)

The ambition is excellent and the card groks to me. I'm seriously torn with the Hall of Expeditions side in a way that I want to talk about first, because I honestly can't think of any other card that's worded like this. And it makes sense to me! I think that ultimately it would flow better if it just triggered without the cost, but like, having that option to pay {3} is a unique and fascinating option to get around the potential for splashing the Hall of Expeditions in other decks. The only other question becomes: is there a cleaner way to word this? And I don't know if there is, or at least I can't think of one off the top of my head. It's honestly fascinating, and a great addition both to Lorehord's ambitions and to a wording arsenal.

And of course, the Memorial is great as well, both for the ability to get things back and trigger various Lorehold things, and just as a limited white card. What was the other one, Silverquill? Silverquill was one of the schools that I liked playing a lot, honestly, but I might've splashed for the Hall if I'd opened this. There's a lot to love about how these ones play together. Impulsive draws are pretty strong and recursion is as well. I think that if we really got back to Strixhaven, rooms would be a good fit. This was a solid choice of card for sure!

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@real-aspen-hours — Faulty Airlock / Relic Storage

There is a LOT of text on this card, and as a text submission I can see where things might've gone awry... Both sides would be totally fine as their own enchantments, and together they would be a fine combination. You can already see where the text issues come into play. I don't think I have to speak to the synergy because, as a room, I like both of these. Exiling cards from someone's hand is very fun, and impulsive drawing is fun, and getting to ping from exile-casting is fun as well. Relic Storage especially makes me love playing cards like Bonehoard Dracosaur et. al. because of my main red strategies.

The flavor of the Airlock and Storage together as a sci-fi theme/homage, like the other airlock card in general, hasn't won me over in terms of vibes. At a certain point I actually thought that this was more of a Lorehold card. Frankly, I would've been far more friendly towards it had it been Lorehold-oriented. That doesn't stop this card from being so text-filled that it makes it difficult to defend, though. Each half of this card groks fine by itself, I want to emphasize that. When making Room considerations, the complexity that you put into it (especially if you were looking for two triggers—like, that's asking a lot...) is going to add up to the point where it's best to go back to the drawing board and consider the simplest way to make these interactions viable.

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@sparkyyoungupstart — Orchestra Pit / Center Stage

I will give you this: the left side of this card made me giggle aloud and say "alright then." Imagine the kind of power you have to make another person genuinely smile, and then I'll use a similar power to tap the sign that says "Designing For Standard" on it. Goad has, to the best of my knowledge, never appeared in a standard-legal set, because it's an ability designed for multiplayer formats. And I don't think that it's a poorly designed card by any means—in fact, my gut says that this would be an immaculate signpost for a D&D-world-themed draftable Commander Legends kind of set. WR bards as an archetype? Yes, 100%, maybe even Jeskai bards.

Gameplay-wise, I'm a huge exalted fan, of course. Stacking exalted triggers is a joy to behold and adding them up for a big swing is pretty awesome when the bards' power supports one big maestro. The actors all rushing to center stage feel great as a swell in the music compels a group to magically attack, even if they don't have the power of the bards on their side. That's just what being an actor is like, right? Powerful one-use unlocks are a great design choice. If this wasn't a standard contest, then yeah, I'd be more than happy to put you in first chair. I've said my peace about the rest of this card, so let's just stick with the good notes.

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@tanknspank — Empty Kennels / Grooming Parlour

I love this silly little implication that Gremlins are more dog-like than anything. I'm also going to assume that this is a common or uncommon room? I'll go with common, honestly. Sorry about not editing in the room rarities there, but that would've been way too much to do with the limited time that I had. I shouldn't even be writing this now, I have to go to work soon! All the same, though, I think this is a perfectly fine multicolored common. Ultimately, I'm glad that Duskmourn didn't go in that direction, because I like the rooms as they are, but if this space was explored, this would probably be the way to do it.

Getting the small tokens to get bigger is just what the RW archetype wants to do, and making some tokens is probably more limited but I'mma go with red aggro variants (sacrifice, maybe?) as the next best place for it. White's been astonishingly powerful this set, and adding some counters has proven to be quite strong. Hasn't this effect on the right been done in another common white room? I'm remembering something similar, but regardless. Flavorfully, of course, this is a really lighthearted card, and I like the fact that unlocking the kennels releases the "hounds." Overall, I think this card is as solid as it needs to be for the archetype, even if it's not the most exciting; I feel that this kind of mechanical space has been explored well enough with rooms, honestly. Still, I'd play it in the multicolor archetypes as they would show up.

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@wildcardgamez — Music Classroom / Art Classroom

Look me in the eyes and tell me what the heck is happening here. And, well—I'll be honest, I'm just impressed with how well-formatted this looks for a card that's an absolute menace to get through. Gameplay-wise, this is honestly pretty perfect for spellslinging decks. You get bodies, you get advantage, you can play the long game, it rewards a pure spell-oriented build without taking up space, etc. That part is pretty amazing. Also keep in mind you have a card with three different activated abilities and also three triggers, two of which you have to stack when you Magecraftify them. Do you see where things would get complicated?

I want to emphasize that I want to love this card. I also want to emphasize that it's a card that would probably never be printed because of the thousand things that it does. Like, I'd play this in one of my Pioneer decks immediately, slot it in, 100%. I'd first-pick it in a limited pool. But it's far too complex for isolated design. I don't think there would necessarily be a way that I'd want to change it, too, and that's another issue that affects me personally! Well—no, okay, there are a few wording things on the right side. For one, you can just say that the Elemental token is "with haste" instead of giving it temporarily. For two, the second activation should be "until end of turn," which is...a lot of text, yeah, but it's necessary. The last thing that I'll be a grump about is the fact that the names are not very interesting at all. Yeah, the "class room" pun is very funny, but c'mon, they deserve better than just "Music Classroom" and "Art Classroom." How could you jazz those up without painting broad strokes?

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@xenobladexfan — Expansive Library / Secret Bunker

We're in a little bit of a pickle here. I like the flavor of the Library, but don't see its mechanical applications on Duskmourn for the survivors there. I also like the mechanics of the Bunker, but want to tweak them a little to be slightly more useful. And together, I don't think these halves necessarily feel cohesive. What does one side do for the other necessarily? Not every room has to go hand-in-hand, of course, so I'll give you card advantage as a good enough reason for the Library to have its tutelage. Turn three, you can do whatever you need, maybe cast an Eerie survivor of sorts.

The Bunker makes me want to tweak it a lot by itself. Having creatures be hexproof and indestructible upon entering only matters if your opponent has instant-speed removal that they want to fire off on the turn that something enters, and that's not strong enough of a delay to justify that. Maybe it also works with haste creatures, whatever—that's not relevant here. I think one option could be: "As long as it's not your turn, tapped creatures you control have hexproof and indestructible." It plays into the Bunker theme of hidden creatures staying hidden. Maybe it doesn't even need to grant indestructible? I think that it might unfortunately get too much into the Wandering Rescuer's space, but that's just one option. Either way, I wish there was an elegant marriage of these rooms. Making me think and tinker, though—that's still signs of strength!

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@yd12k — Hidden Grave / Compost Bin (JUDGE PICK)

This card is garbage. Yummy! There's some world with Saprolings, of course, but which world would have one that's also got... In the middle of this sentence I remembered the Golgari. Right! So that's settled, maybe, unless you had something else in mind. I think that if we do go that route, I like the dial flavoring wherein you could have a Hidden Grave that belongs to the Dimir and a compost bin that belongs to the good old Selesnya, but the combination results in a Golgari-themed card that plays into multiple strategies across the guilds. That kind of smoothness is super cool to me.

Sometimes the text variability is a little jarring, but edict effects plus self-mill effects that could trigger off of the sacrifice work so well together. I feel that the "If you do" could've been replaced with an "and" and a continuation of the sentence, with the milling just contingent upon whether or not you exiled something, an "if you can't" down there instead of "Otherwise." Maybe that would be a little more complicated, I'd have to ask players who are less grokable-oriented. This still groks, FWIW, in a fantastic way, and I think that this is an overall smooth-as-granite card. It feels cohesive, fantastical, centered, and you love to see how it works together. Great job overall!

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@yourrightfulking — Singing Chapel / Echoing Mausoleum

I think that I like this card overall, kind of. The symmetry is reasonable, if a little bit predictable. The adjective "Singing" is throwing me off. The ability, though, is really great for a rare, and these abilities are pushed without being too crazy. A 2/2 every turn can be awesome for sacrifice effects, and the two of these abilities feed into each other in ways that are absolutely nasty. Is it too much? Unlocking the Mausoleum first then getting into the Chapel is the right strategy for sure—so much so that I think the black side should be on the left, honestly.

I'm not a huge fan of the double mana symbols on both of these cards. You want them to be able to trigger together, and they're not so highly costed that it's okay to be stuck on one for a while. Having the more powerful Mausoleum be BB and the Chapel being, like, 3W could be reasonable to me? I want to play both halves of these cards together in my Innistrad limited Aristocrats deck. I want the ability to do that smoothly. This card currently makes me unable (most likely) to do that with a one-two turn basis despite the low costs. Argh! But that's an easy fix by getting the costs evened out to what they need to be, and then you're in for a massive rare clock, which is exactly what this card wants to be. I think I'm giving this card a tentative thumbs-up because it's so close to being exactly how I'd want it to work on-board.

~

There we go! Have fun revealing this week. @abelzumi

[astrognossienne]

the sun signs in love

As if you people haven’t had enough of these types of posts, here goes yet another one. I’ve covered the personal planets in snapshots (see exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C, exhibit D and even exhibit E), but here is a more lengthy description of how the sun signs love and what the sun signs need in love.

aries: this is the sun sign most likely to fall in love at first sight. they go after what they want full force and lavish all sorts of attention on their target. arians tend to be dominant in any relationship they find themselves in. they’re passionate and ardent. their energies may be expressed too quickly, so some of the nuances and subtleties of an affair are completely missed by them. as such, they tend to write off relationships that don’t deliver the goods right away. this can be seen as shallow by some, but they just don’t believe in holding back. when forced to slow down, their energy depletes. arians are passionate lovers, and they need an active sex-life to feel fulfilled. they like sex without preamble, preferring to get right down to it. they derive a great deal of pleasure from brief but intense love affairs, and they don’t cling or even linger when the relationship is over. arians’ natural liveliness and positive fun-loving outlook makes them wonderful partners. they are very aware of their own needs within a relationship, but they can be selfish and may need to be reminded about their partner’s needs from time to time.

taurus: they’re very internalized as well as stubborn and intransigent; they have an urgent desire to have their needs met, but they have difficulty in expressing these needs openly. taureans are quite romantic and sexy in a down-to-earth kind of way, but they can be a bit old-fashioned. they’re also quite sentimental, hoarding possessions as a sort of emotional and physical fetishism. they’re nothing if not monogamous and they are warm, affectionate, and earnest with their lover. they take a long time to come to the decision that they are in love with someone, but once they make that decision, the only thing that will make them change their mind is disloyalty from their lover. working may be a problem in taureans’ relationships; they spend too much time making money to provide for their lifestyle, so their partner may feel neglected. their sexual nature is that of dependable sexual expression. taureans are very sexual creatures as well as sensual, and make marvelous lovers both in and out of the bedroom. however, taureans aren’t very good at fantasizing or intellectualizing when it comes to love or sex; as such, they can be very unimaginative and fall into ruts in their relationships, focusing on security as opposed to excitement. nonetheless, they do enjoy the good life and don’t mind spending a great deal of time and money wooing a loved one.

gemini: they may be irrepressible flirts, but once they fall in love, they are quick to declare their love. they need delicacy and finesse when it comes to love. geminis appreciate being told how much they’re loved, and the more verbal a partner is (in everyday exchanges and sex), the more satisfied geminis are. sexually, they’re the most adaptable sign of the entire zodiac; they love to experiment, mainly to satisfy their curiosity. if a lover is not as verbally affectionate as they’d like, then they get confused, feel rejected, or more often than not, get impatient and move on to someone else. they need a partner who can provide them with plenty of mental stimulation, be their friend and share many interests in common with them. they don’t mind if their partner questions what they do, because this promotes the type of verbal sparring which they love. to argue, or ‘discuss’, with them is to love them. although there is usually good communication between geminis and their partners, they tend to over-intellectualize and find it hard expressing their deepest feelings. as such, have little tolerance for those who prefer to lay their heart out to bleed and demand intensity that they’re not prepared to give; instead they prefer those who have a sense of humour and like to laugh.

cancer: cancer is a very magnetic sign, and as such, they draw in and attract others rather than going out and getting them. like the gravitational pull of the moon to the ocean and the earth, their magnetic quality is quite powerful. on the flip side, they can be bit possessive and clingy, finding it extremely hard to let their lover go when a relationship ends. they tend to get involved in a lot of emotional entanglements, and can provoke dramatic scenes. a cancerian is either is very self-protective or is very selfless (sometimes too self-denying). their sexuality is enhanced by the intertwining of sensuality, imagination and intuition. theirs is the best memory in the zodiac, and they never forget any past action, good or bad. they may forgive but they don’t forget. they’re most adept at keeping their meaningful relationships quite private, which definitely serves to keep people out of their business, but it also means no emotional help or sympathy from others when they need it. in the low-functioning cancer, substandard individuals wind up in their lives, and their heart blinds them to the truth of a lover/love affair, holding on to someone who doesn’t want or value them, resulting in them looking foolish. however, in the evolved cancer, they exhibit two key traits that a load of people love to get turned off by: their cautiousness and self-protective nature. the reality is that high-functioning cancerians don’t want their highly sensitive inner workings visible or exploited by just anyone, and this, combined with their intuition, helps to fend off any insidious individuals that want to exploit them, which is very intelligent of them. they work harder than most to make a relationship permanent; like taurus, they’re no good with change. cancers make sensual, generous, affectionate and understanding partners, as long as they let their defenses down and throw their protective disguises away.

leo: despite their fierce, cocksure, and independent nature, leos give and receive love freely and surprisingly envelop their lover in tenderness and affection. their pride often causes them problems in their relationships, as well as when it comes to sex. sexually, they’re creatures of habit and can be surprisingly boring when it comes to their sexual expression, which they like to flaunt. their sexuality colours almost everything they do, for good and for bad, and they’re warm and playful when it comes to relationships, wanting grand drama and grand gestures as declarations of love. since leos are open and direct, they sometimes assume that others are also; as such, they can be a little gullible and take people at face value, rather than looking behind the façade. when they fall in love, they will fall good and hard. their open hearts are as lovely as they are foolhardy, and such, leos’ hearts will be broken many times, and will need time to mend. this, in part, stems from the fact that their full expression of love and passion tends to overwhelm a weaker partner. they’re demanding, and tend to expect an awful lot from their partner. leos have a thing about wanting a strong partner who they can look up to and admire, yet also dominate at the same time, which can prove tricky, and result in tehm having a lot of failed relationships as well. they can indeed be stubborn and bossy, but they’re generous and they take great pride in their partner’s success, helping that person to reach their full potential.

virgo: out of all the sun signs, virgos are the ones who aim to please others. they take great pleasure in making a partner a comfortable as possible and attending to their every need. their detail-oriented nature can be positive as far as sexual fantasies and pleasure is concerned. but it can also be negative and result in them being fussy, naggy, and never satisfied, which will turn any lover right off. they can either be the most repressed or the most sexually expressive of all the signs, mainly because of their unwavering specificity. virgos’ specificity may also result in fetishism, so that they attach unusual sexual meaning to particular actions or objects. when virgos fall in love and it is reciprocated, they are like capricorns in that their lack of self-confidence (disguised as cynicism) doesn’t easily allow them to believe that the other person can see anything in them. this leads to virgos sometimes being unable to express themselvesas fully or as rewardingly as they would like, which can lead to inhibitions within the relationship, both emotionally and physically. virgos have a strong romantic nature and needs a partner that is able to help them express it. they’re great communicators and their partners will find that a relationship with them is never boring. they work very hard for their lover, almost too hard, and it can become a cover-up for their inhibitions.

libra: this sun sign is the one that is the most interested in partnership and are the true romantics of the zodiac, befitting their ruling planet of venus. however, not just anyone will do; they need continual growth and development in their relationships, or they get bored. they’re never dull in relationships, and are always trying to improve them or make them more beautiful and satisfying. sexual difficulties are more likely to occur in libra than in most other signs, especially if the person is single and hasn’t established secure pathways of communication with a long-term partner. libras need someone that’s as creative as they, not too emotional, sensitive, or possessive, someone who treats them as special. they need constant reassurances of love from their partner and aren’t above picking fights simply to elicit the declarations of love in the patching up afterwards. because of their combination of standards and impermanence, their love lives can be a bit of a challenge. the true test of a happy relationship is whether they and their partner can find a balance between evolution and stability. this is where libras’ relationships often fail--which, as a high-functioning libra already knows, is just part of the game. however, if libras find a willing partner who can have a healthy balance of emotions and interpersonal communication, then they’ll know a lot more than most about what makes a relationship good or bad. because libras are obsessed with love and long to share their lives with someone else, they fall easily in love without thinking, and often into marriage as well. when an emotional relationship breaks up, they feel very hurt and disillusioned.

scorpio: much has been said about this sun sign’s sexuality, but the reality is that this is the one sun sign that feels life the most intensely and needs to express their passion, usually in power plays. scorpios can be very demanding lovers, but very understanding and intuitive ones as well. their brand of passionate intensity is usually interpreted as sexual to others. also, with scorpios, sexual compatibility is of above average importance for the success of any romantic relationship. scorpios are quick to let their target know that there is no middle ground: they want all from a lover or nothing at all, and they use their magnetism to attract to gain advantage over their lover. as such, scorpios usually wind up attracting less sophisticated, simpler people into their orbit which works well for them, because then they can command the relationship. in the long run, scorpios want something more challenging and meaningful. if conflict or strife isn’t involved, then it’s not real to them - they’re not ones who want a smooth love. they’re very clear about what they want and are willing to wait a long time to get it. they will not settle, and they will not compromise when it comes to their desires. jealousy is usually in the forefront, whether of an actual person or simply of the time that the partner spends away from them. true to their all-or-nothing nature, they tend to obsess and immerse themselves in a person, then they are changed by it and finally become completely detached from it.

sagittarius: this is the sun sign most likely to date outside their race, religion, or culture. sagittarians aren’t the most verbal about love, because the love they seek isn’t detailed or premeditated. sexually, they’re very physically enthusiastic, highly adventurous and seek out any form of sex that promises excitement an challenge. they are optimistic and eager to please as long as the favour is returned. sagittarians prize friendship, spontaneity and shared intellectual interests, and they absolutely need a partner who reflects these qualities. also, if they can globetrot with their partner and travel at will, this would be a major plus. they are passionate, able to express warm feelings and keep the flame of love alive, and hardly jealous at all. but sometimes they don’t seem to take the relationship seriously and can be a little offhand at times with their bright and breezy style. and if their relationship becomes too regulated and routine, their legendary restlessness will kick in and they will indeed want to break out or away, probably in a sudden manner.

capricorn: out of all the signs, capricorns fear rejection the most and hate putting themselves into a vulnerable position. they’re not ones to rush into a relationship, but they won’t back off from one either. thrives on the challenge of loving someone more volatile than they. loyalty is their game and they can hang when the going gets tough in a relationship. sexually, capricorns don’t require a whole lot of bells and whistles. they’re not boring, but they just need sincerity and intensity in their lovemaking. the evolved ones have a good sense of timing and of how far to go before pleasure crosses the bounds of consideration for others. they’re not above using sex for power and control, just like scorpio, but without scorpio’s desire for sexual satisfaction. they want someone to play up to them and make them feel comfortable and powerful. they’re insecure and their egos are fragile, so anyone that reminds them of their humanity is usually someone they don’t like or associate with. their need to be more than what they are often supersedes anything else, and as such, they go for people who make them look good.

aquarius: aquarius is not the most physically sexy sign, but their experimental nature makes them intriguing. aquarians can be quite removed; they tend to treat lovers as interesting objects rather than as an involved partner. they can be quite self-conscious and find it hard to be truly close to another person. nonetheless, they are very loyal, but in a generalized way, not to one relationship alone. aquarius is a very pluralistic sign, and as such, they have the ability to engage in several sincere affairs at once, and this sincerity makes jealousy a less destructive force. with them, sexuality is reinforced by the building of intellectually intimacy as well as friendship. however, they do have hearts; they can be extremely romantic at times, but they won’t keep declaring their love for someone; to them once is enough. when they do fall in love (like any fixed sign), they fall hard. one can expect an exciting and fulfilling relationship with them, never quite knowing what to expect next. their partner will more than likely be an unconventional choice, and that person needs to respect the aquarian’s need for a certain amount of independence within the relationship, and realize that he or she may not always be able to get as close to their aquarian emotionally as they may wish.

pisces: out of all the sun signs, pisceans are the most empathic and psychically attuned to a lover. a pisces will not know any limits on how far they’ll go and how much they’ll sacrifice for a lover, which makes them as popular and revered as lovers as much as it makes them doormat material. they tend to idealize love and their partner, so much so that their fantasy takes precedence over sex or logic. they can be quite consumed by love. this compulsion with love can either transform their personalities into something ugly and irrational in the immature and low-functioning pisceans, or uplift the personalities of the evolved and high-functioning. sexually, they aren’t highly erotic in a purely physical sense, preferring a more ethereal approach, usually involving a melding of the spiritual and mystical as well as through fantasies. needs a partner who is well grounded and realistic. can adapt to their lover’s sexual style. pisceans work hard to make a relationship work, but if they feel that it is getting too difficult, their natural reaction is evasiveness, vagueness and deception, and prefer to take the easy way out of a tricky situation. the like to pass the buck when it comes to who is at fault, and not be too concerned about the consequences of their actions.

classy.  bold. controversial. provocative. depraved. sophisticated. intelligent. unique. click  here for a much more realistic and refined view of astrology (18+ ONLY)

[v-thinks-on]

Contact (Between Two Minds)

Part 4 of A Crazy Little Thing Called Love

First | Previous | Next

The captain helped Spock to his feet and for an instant Spock’s hand brushed the captain’s bare skin. In that instant he was inundated with emotion; a stormy gale of concern rushed through the tiniest point of contact, underlain with disorganized thoughts and incomprehensible feelings. Spock was frozen, his eyes wide with the sheer force of the captain’s mind. He shored up his mental shields as quickly as he could, but by then the contact was gone.

Spock found himself suddenly upright and stumbled to regain his footing.

“Spock, are you alright?” the captain asked urgently.

Spock nodded.

The captain smiled at him as though he saw something remarkable in his first officer. His eyes still betrayed concern, but the mission continued as though nothing had happened.

Spock expected the captain to learn from his mistake. The captain undoubtedly knew Vulcans were a telepathic race, and for all of their secrecy, there were rumors that they could detect a person’s thoughts from any physical contact. The truth was more nuanced, but the last thing Spock expected was for the captain to increase the rate of physical contact between them.

Spock often found the captain standing much closer than was strictly necessary to hear about Spock’s latest readings or to ask him for his opinion on a difficult situation. The captain frequently put a friendly hand on Spock’s shoulder for emphasis or to provide comfort, or for no apparent reason at all. Spock could almost feel the captain’s thoughts wafting through his skin, even though there was a layer of cloth between them.

Spock stepped into the captain’s quarters and the door slid shut behind him. Captain James Kirk stood before him, as young and strong as ever. His bare torso left no doubt as to his full recovery from the radiation poisoning.

“Dr. McCoy has declared me fit for duty,” Spock announced without preamble.

The captain smiled, and his eyes seemed to light up with a very human intensity. “It’s good to have you back, Mr. Spock.” He stepped toward his first officer, so there were only a few feet between them.

“And you, Captain,” Spock replied, his expression softened. “I also wish to apologize for subjecting you to a competency hearing. I had no choice-”

Captain Kirk rose a hand to stop him and Spock fell silent.

He put his hand on Spock’s shoulder and squeezed it for emphasis. “You have nothing to apologize for, Spock. I was the one who was out of line. I know you wouldn’t do anything like that without a good reason. I just didn’t like the idea of you taking orders from Commodore Stocker.” He gave Spock a wry smile.

“I assure you, Jim, there is no one else I would rather serve under,” Spock replied, his voice low with an undercurrent of emotion.

“I should hope not,” Jim said with a grin. “Though I suppose you’ll be wanting a command of your own one of these days.”

“Hardly, sir.” Spock almost sounded insulted at the suggestion.

Jim smiled like he had gotten the response he had expected. “Good, because I would hate to lose the best first officer in the fleet.” He gave Spock’s shoulder another squeeze for good measure.

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him as though he suspected flattery, but did not protest. Instead, his lips turned upward in a suggestion of a smile.

Jim’s smile widened and his eyes seemed to shine with a mischievous spark, like he was going to do something brilliant and reckless that was just crazy enough to succeed, but Spock could not begin to fathom what - Jim’s greatest ideas were usually beyond the realm of Vulcan logic.

Jim kept a careful eye on Spock’s face as his hand slowly left Spock’s shoulder, ghosted down his arm, and just barely brushed the back of Spock’s hand. Spock’s shields were up, but he could feel the burst of emotion threatening to overwhelm them. Jim’s intense, meaningful expression seemed to invite him in, to suggest that he should succumb to the intriguing waves of human emotion that rushed out of his captain’s cool skin. Spock could only wonder why, but somehow suspected he already knew.

“Fascinating,” he remarked, because that was the only response he could give.

“There are worse things to be than fascinating,” Jim teased, the contact already broken as quickly as it had been made.

Spock nodded in assent. “You are most fascinating,” he said with the barest trace of a smile.

While transporting up from the surface of a planet, the captain had vanished without a trace. The only answers were negative: no magnetic storms, no ionic interference, no breakdown in equipment.

Dr. McCoy demanded answers and Spock replied, “We shall continue sensor scans, Doctor. At the moment, that is all we can do, except hope for a rational explanation.”

“Hope? I always thought that was a human failing, Mr. Spock,” the doctor taunted.

“True, Doctor. Constant exposure does result in a certain degree of contamination.”

Captain James Kirk materialized in the Enterprise transporter, followed by Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov. A whole welcoming committee faded into view, Commander Spock at the head. All Jim could do was grin at the sight of his first officer, watching him so intently. Spock’s eyes narrowed in concern as they flitted over Jim’s chest, no doubt taking in the welts and scars from his time on Triskelion.

Dr. Leonard McCoy rushed to the fore before Spock could speak. “Jim! You’re alright!”

“It’s mighty good to see you,” Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott put in.

Bones continued, “I was worried you wouldn’t make it out alive with that crazy plan of yours, but you did it! I guess Spock was right about where you were after all,” he admitted.

Jim nodded and gave Bones a smile. “The other prisoners should be alright too,” he said.

“Let’s get you to sickbay and you can tell me all about it,” Bones declared. He glanced over Jim’s shoulder at Chekov and Uhura, who stepped down from the transporter pad after the captain. “Nurse,” he ordered, “I want to run all scans, make sure there’s no internal damage, and we’ll need to get out the dermal regenerator. These are some nasty welts, Jim.”

Jim held up a hand to stop him. “First, I want a word with my first officer.” He smiled at Spock over Bones’s shoulder.

“Captain,” Spock began to protest.

“I don’t see why you can’t talk to him after,” Bones insisted.

Jim motioned for silence, cutting them both off. “Spock” - he gestured for Spock to follow him out of the transporter room.

Spock obliged, leaving Bones grumbling in their wake.

“Dr. McCoy is correct,” Spock remarked as they strode down the corridor, “It would be most prudent for you to submit to treatment and medical evaluation to ensure that you were not seriously damaged.”

“I’m alright,” Jim dismissed his concern. “This is more important.”

“What is it, Captain?” Spock asked as they stepped into the captain’s quarters.

The door slid shut behind them.

“It’s Jim, we’re not on duty right now,” the captain said. He reached over his shoulder to pull at the harness he had been given on Triskelion. “I don’t suppose you could help me out of this thing.”

“Sir- Jim?�� Spock raised a questioning eyebrow at the captain.

Jim stopped struggling with the harness and leaned an arm against the wall so he was angled toward Spock. He paused just to look at his first officer. Spock’s warm brown eyes were darkened with concern, his eyebrows arched in uncertainty at Jim’s intent, all of the tightly controlled emotion fighting to escape.

“How did you do it?” Jim asked at last. He gave his first officer a smile of pure wonder. “How did you find me all the way out here? I was starting to worry I’d never see the Enterprise again.”

“Any transporter, no matter how sophisticated, leaves some form of energy residue. We merely located the anomalous trail and it led us to this system,” Spock replied as efficiently as ever, but the creases on his face told another, more harrowing story.

Jim put a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “That’s another time you’ve saved my life,” Jim said with a grin.

“It is my duty,” Spock said simply, but Jim could almost feel the emotion behind his words.

Jim did not miss how Spock’s eyes wandered over his torso, lingering on the angry red welts, as though he wanted to do something, but could not bring himself to. His hands were locked firmly behind his back.

Jim leaned back a little to give Spock a bit more space, a mischievous smile teasing at his lips.

Spock quirked an uncertain eyebrow at him.

“What was that gesture your parents did?” Jim remarked a little too casually. “Like this” - he held out his right hand, his first two fingers extended toward Spock.

Spock’s eyes widened in open surprise. “Jim,” he nearly whispered, “That is…” he trailed off.

Jim grinned at him. “Only if you want. Regulation clearly states that I can’t give you any orders here.”

Slowly, his hand just barely shaking, Spock extended two fingers and brought them nearly to meet Jim’s so that they were just centimeters apart. He hesitated, and then, very gently, he lowered the tips of his fingers so they brushed against Jim’s. Spock’s skin was warm and the contact sent a jolt down Jim’s spine. Spock’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed green.

Jim couldn’t have looked away even if he wanted to. His heart hammered in his chest and he could only imagine how Spock’s was racing - it usually beat several times faster than a human’s already. He wondered how clearly Spock could sense his thoughts and feelings and wished he could feel some of Spock’s in return. He wanted to reach out for a kiss or a mind meld - he didn’t know which.

Very slowly, Spock pulled his hand away, though their faces remained mere inches apart. Jim could feel Spock’s breath tickling his cheeks. It took all of Jim’s willpower not to kiss him, but his wide smile would have made it hard to kiss anyone anyway.

“Jim,” Spock began, his voice low.

“Yes, Mr. Spock?” Jim asked.

“It is good to have you back, Captain,” Spock said at last. Despite his even expression, Jim could see every indication of a subtle smile.

Jim grinned back at him. “It’s good to be back and to see you again. Now,” he remarked, stretching a hand over his shoulder again, “I don’t suppose you could help me out of this harness.”

Spock gave a sharp nod and circled around behind him. Spock seemed to hesitate there for a moment, before Jim felt warm fingers against his lower back, working their way under the bottom rung of the harness on either side. The cloth strap dug into Jim’s stomach as Spock slowly eased it up his torso, his fingers trailing along Jim’s side. Jim closed his eyes to savor the contact.

[meganelizabether]

My top 10 TV shows of 2017, 9-4

9. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This show has managed to stay flat-out funny, genuinely heartwarming, and important without being heavy-handed. Tackling police work with optimism, integrity and humor can’t be easy, but somehow, the writers manage it every season. Plus, Santiago and Peralta’s relationship is one of the most realistic and happy (i.e. best-written relationship ever eeee fangirling a little here) on television, past and present. While they didn’t make sense as a couple in season one, the writers’ smartly let Jake grow up, and showed how he enriched Amy’s life with his childish joy and unwavering love. Now, they just make sense, and it’s a beautifully simple and magically complex thing to behold (like all good relationships).

8. Glow

I’ve always had a deep loathing for professional wrestling, based entirely on early childhood exposure to its spray-tanned, greasy, ludicrous brand of hyper-masculinity. The people who watched it didn’t seem to think it was funny, which I found very confusing, and the bombastic violence never seemed remotely entertaining. Luckily, “Glow” matches its source material by allowing its characters to be big, bold and ridiculous in and out of the ring, while slowly and delightfully subverting types over the course of the season. The parts are juicy, the characters are messy, and the women are unabashedly themselves. It’s one of the purest things I watched all year, and I can’t wait to see where the next season ends up. 

Also 8. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

One of (few) good things about 2017 was the diversity on television. Shows like Black-ish, Fresh off the Boat, The Mindy Project, Empire, Jane the Virgin and Insecure all got renewed, and as the year draws to a close, I can truthfully saw we’re living in a great age of television. Not only do we have a stunning variety of amazing shows, we have writers of color creating for actors of color, on shows produced by people of color. We have a spectrum of sexuality across all TV genres, written as main characters and not tokens or random friends who appear only on very special episodes. The diversity isn’t just on the surface anymore, and it shows. Some of the most original, important and entertaining stories on TV would never have existed if not for the diverse creators who finally got their feet in the door.

And yes, that is a preamble-apology of sorts for including a very, very white show like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on a fairly short list. Sure, the main characters are Jewish, but so far, the show hasn’t developed a sense of otherness, or tackled any anti-Semitism surely hanging around in 1950s New York (I haven’t finished the season yet, so maybe it’s there?). The moment where Midge (literally) upstages an African American band feels extremely privileged and a bit cringe-worthy as well. Historically, the Palladinos have been pretty tone-deaf tackling, or completely ignoring, issues like race, LGBTQ issues and politics, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

HOWEVER, the show is damn funny; the acting is great, the writing is crisp, the feminism is present and bourgeoning, and I’ll admit it... I’m a sucker for a period piece. It’s like Mad Men, but hilarious (and I do also have to admit that I miss Mad Men, for all its flaws). And we have not yet arrived at a time when I can say, stop with the funny women on TV already. There’s just too many of them. Why not some serious shows about serious women?

7. Dear White People

The movie this Netflix series’ is based on was funny and enjoyable, but it also felt pretty self-contained, so I wasn’t initially sure how this would play out over an entire season. However, Simien and his writing team totally blew me out of the water by taking the relatively broad character sketches from the movie and turning them into people who made me laugh, cry and cheer, episode after episode. Honestly, I can’t remember a show that made me feel so emotionally invested in 11 episodes. Despite losing the star power of Tessa Thompson, recasting Sam White turned out to be a boon for the show. Thompson’s iteration was heavily influenced by her trademark snarky, take-no-prisoners persona, but Logan Browning’s version highlights and deepens Sam’s inherent vulnerability and uncertainty. This adds nuance to her prickly, trigger-happy social activism, and underscores just how much this is an image of White’s own creation. Antoinnette Robinson as Coco was another standout for me--her performance was mesmerizing, beautiful and completely heart-rending. The moments she and Browning share crackle with energy, and it’s hard not to mourn the current state of their friendship. I’m rooting for them, guys, cuz I need more amazing female TV biffles in my life right now. 

Other things I loved:

Marque Richardson as Reggie. He’s hot, he’s angry, and he’s got layers. Richardson does Emmy-worthy work during his run-in with campus police, and in portraying the devastating emotional fallout of the violent encounter. The back half of the season allows Reggie to move from player in a requisite love triangle to fully-formed character in his own right, and I’m looking forward to seeing more Reggie-centric episodes in the future. 

John Patrick Amedori as Gabe. Ah yes, the token white boy... this could easily have been the most basic, nothing characterization, but no, not in the hands of these writers, and not with Amedori’s acting chops. Gabe is cheesy, a bit fumbling, and sometimes out of his depth, but he’s also big-hearted, brave and empathetic. It’s incredibly important that we understand and buy Sam’s attraction and deep connection, and also that his character stand up to her subconscious self-loathing, which the show deftly accomplishes.

“Dear White People” is a show that wears its heart on its sleeve, and that’s a great thing in this era of cynicism and bleakness (I’m not just talking about prestige TV). If you haven’t watched it yet, add it to your queue ASAP.

6. Master of None

This was a solid return for one of our chosen Millennial ambassadors--hilarious, awkward, expansively optimistic, and full of Ansari’s signature TRUTH. Artistically ambitious (the loving ode to Italian cinema in “The Thief”), unabashedly socially aware (Religion, First Date), and full of moments of tender vulnerability (Thanksgiving), the show proves time and again it’s as good as the hype. My only complaint: I’m not on board with Dev and Francesca. She’s cute, he’s cute, they have some cute moments... but I’m not really buying it. Maybe it’s risky to apply too much of the real world to this fictionalized version of Ansari’s life, but I can’t help but wonder if the ambiguity comes from his own failed relationships. Considering how much Ansar’s love life has played into his creative endeavors so far, it’s not that much of a stretch. Hopefully, he’ll continue to channel his life into stories that feel real, not imagined and artificial, even if that means no true love for Dev for a few more seasons.

5. The Good Place

This show never should have made it to network TV, but I’m thrilled it did. It’s a deliciously weird little anomaly, and I want MORE RIGHT NOW. I love Kristin Bell (Veronica Mars 4ever), which initially convinced me to give this pastel, candy-coated comedy a shot, but every actor is a total gem. The timing is impeccable, the pacing is ambitious, and the philosophy is... well, it’s interesting, integral, AND funny. How many shows can tackle the fundamental questions of human existence without breaking a sweat, while playing them for big, completely earned laughs? Not many, that’s for damn sure.

4. The Handmaid’s Tale

So yeah, I have concerns about the longevity of this show. As in, I’m not sure there should have been a second season. The last half of season one felt simultaneously too rushed and too drawn out, giving me pause about the writers’ ability to string Atwood’s material across 13 more episodes. 

That said, the series deserves this spot on the merit of the first few episodes alone. TV this energetic, vital and fully-formed out of the gate is always worth celebrating, and Atwood’s decades-old vision of the future proved prescient and dangerously real. The show inextricably benefitted from 2017′s political zeitgeist, where white women felt the anxiety and panic most women of color have felt for... well, I guess for always. 

This show is arresting and impossible to ignore. The actors, stripped of makeup, naturally lit, and filling the frames with pure, distilled emotions, suck you in and force you to feel what they feel. Sometimes (often), this is incredibly difficult, but others, it leads to feelings of euphoria and triumph. At it’s best, “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a perfect distillation of humanity, both its ugliness and its beauty. Here’s hoping the showrunners can pull off another season with equal grace and artistry. 

Annnd I’ll be back before New Year’s with my top three shows of 2017 :-)

[theotherscarmanthewoman]

Series One Episode 43: We shamble on through this hell, taking on more secrets to sell (and other stories)

Insert Spartacus Joke Here

Dun dun dunnnnnn.

I can’t remember whether I was surprised the first time I saw this so honestly can’t comment on the efficacy of the reveal, but he was always a shifty customer.

The Doctor gives precisely zero fucks as to whether this makes any sense or not and just wants to get Susan out of jail. NOW. Stirling says he can use his authority to get them all safe passage to wherever they want to go, and Ian has to grab his Space Bro by the wrist to stop him being the adorably cantankerous bastard he so desperately wants to be in response to all this faffery. I have missed these little touches (figurative and literal).

Anyway, Ian delivers the message that Stirling needs to get back to Blighty with whatever info he has. Apparently Webster mumbled a lot of strange things, but Ian can’t remember them now. Until of course Stirling triggers it by telling them that he needs their help finding out about a meeting with Paul Barras tonight on Robespierre’s orders. Ian remembers Webster saying something about Barras and a meeting and The Sinking Ship, which Jules tells them is an inn and ideal for a meeting. Ok then.

So Stirling’s plan is that Barbara and Ian to attend the meeting, seeing as how he and the Doctor are too recognisable now. Then once he has the info he needs, he’ll be free to help them. The Doctor says it’s nonsense and too risky, which is rather touching. Babs is all for it, and ropes Ian in, too. The Doctor agrees because Susan. Yadda yadda preamble let’s get to the shitty disguises already.

Also, in case anyone thought I'd forgotten about this week's Wildhorn Shoehorn:

(Side note: can Barbara and Ian ride horses? Because apparently The Sinking Ship is a two-hour ride away. Who cares. DRESSUP TIME.)

The moon goes behind a cloud, and thunder crashes, and the sign of The Sinking Ship flaps in the storm. And JOY OF JOYS Barbara is in the world’s most ginormous mob cap that sits on her mighty bouffant like a giant mushroom with frills. Or a jellyfish the size of a large cat. Anyway, Babs is serving Jules wine and making snarky comments about how shitty the trade is in this pub. Apparently they’ve bound and gagged the innkeeper and left him in the wine cellar, which means our faves get to do some play-acting. It’s nearly closing time, and while Babs is running the bar, Ian is busy drilling a hole through the shelves so they can see into the back room from the bar. We know this because Ian is trying to drill through a wine bottle that’s making a clinking noise; Babs, quick on the uptake, moves it to one side before it can attract attention.

Operation 'Tardis Wine Cellar' is go.

In said back room, Ian is resplendent in a Poldark hat; Babs comes in to tell him he’s through, and the two of them back their way back to the bar, into which an important-looking Citizen (Barras) has just walked. Ian is…is he trying to do a French accent? Actually? I don’t know, but he shuffles over to the Citizen and takes his cloak, sounding like the unholy spawn of Maurice Chevalier and assorted Eastenders publicans. He ushers the Citizen into the back room, and Babs comes in to offer him refreshments; she is doing a French accent straight out of the kind of Carry On film that has French maids in it, and ascertains that there will only be two people meeting in the back room. As the other guests leave, Jules too vacates the premises, and Ian tells Barbara that as soon as the other guest comes, she can lock up. Because apparently he is now the landlord boss of her barmaid persona?

The other guy indeed arrives, wrapped in a scarf, and neither Babs nor Ian sees his face as he goes into the back room. But when the guy pops his head around the door of the bar, Ian does see his face and excitedly motions Babs over to him—and tells her it’s Napoleon Bonaparte! HE’S GEEKING OUT SO HARD. Though how can he tell? I’ve seen portraits of Napoleon and literally the only thing I know is that he’s short with a Napoleon hat, and this guy isn’t even that short. Still.

In the back room, Napoleon and Barras talk. It’s long and historical and educational and I’m going to summarise by saying that they plan to arrest Robespierre tomorrow and then execute him without giving him a chance to talk and thereby rally support. He’s basically Saruman after Helm’s Deep. Then Napoleon is going to be in charge of shit. Barbara and Ian eavesdrop. I’m sorry that wasn’t particularly nuanced, but life is too short.

Back at Aristo HQ, Stirling is horrified by the idea of Napoleon as ruler of France. Lol dramatic irony, et cetera. Babs seems to be the one relaying the specifics, seeing as she actually knows the history of the period, so she’ll know about it initially being as one of three consuls and all that. This makes sense, and I approve. Stirling is concerned that Napoleon will rise to greater power, but before Babs et al can be like ‘lol well yeah that’s a thing that happens’, the Doctor cuts in tells him their only concern now is Susan.

Stirling, however, is in agreement with Jules that they don’t want a military dictatorship, and wants to go and try to stop Robespierre being arrested. Babs is gloriously incredulous:

BARBARA: You'd keep Robespierre as ruler of France!? STIRLING: If I thought it was the only way... JULES: We need a strong government, but not a military dictatorship. And it could happen. BARBARA: It will happen! DOCTOR: Oh, save your breath, my dear. (To Stirling and Jules.) Do as you think fit. I'm going off for Susan.

I adore this. ADORE it. Because obv Babs and the Doctor know that Stirling is trying to shut the stable door after the horse has bolted: Napoleon will be ruler of France, and of course it seems crazy to them that anything else would happen, though of course to Jules and Stirling the future is still indeterminate. It’s rather poignant, actually, in its way. I also adore the continued affinity between the Doctor and Barbara since The Aztecs, after their both having experienced the desire to break the rules and change history. Though Babs clearly doesn’t want to see history changed, it’s still interesting that the Doctor is speaking to her as he did back then as a fellow time-traveller—a novice time-traveller, yes, but still a time-traveller. I also like that this is one of the earliest instances in Classic Who in a historical where we get to the point where history is about to run its course and suddenly everyone disentangles themselves from the plot and essentially gets the engine running for a quick getaway.

Stirling, however, still has the urgency of a man who believes he can alter the course of a history he doesn’t yet know is predetermined, and starts ordering people about: Babs is to wait outside the prison and keep watch while Jules sorts out a getaway carriage for the Doctor and Susan, and Ian is to come with him to try to prevent Robespierre’s arrest. The Doctor tells Ian he may as well go with him if only to make sure Stirling keeps his part of the bargain, and the ‘save Robespierre’ party leaves in a flurry.

Babs tells Ian to take care. And then cracks up laughing:

DOCTOR: What is it? What do you find so amusing, hmm? BARBARA: Oh, I don't know. Yes, I do. It's this feverish activity to try and stop something that we know is going to happen. Robespierre will be guillotined whatever we do! DOCTOR: I've told you of our position so often. BARBARA: Yes, I know. You can't influence or change history. I learnt that lesson with the Aztecs. DOCTOR: The events will happen, just as they are written. I'm afraid so and we can't stem the tide. But at least we can stop being carried away with the flood! Now, Susan and the prison.

I *love* this. Seasoned time-traveller and novice time-traveller, talking about history, talking about time. As I say, it’s a continuation of the bond they formed during The Aztecs. I love the contrast between the Doctor’s resigned, almost saddened attitude to being unable to stem the tide and Barbara’s new appreciation for the absurdity of it all. It’s a contrast to her profound frustration during The Aztecs, and suggests that this is a natural part of the character development of those who wander in the fourth dimension. She’s still in the giddy stage, apparently. It’s also nice that she’s able to have these moments when her part in history seems absurd to her but it doesn’t counteract her willingness to fight with Ian over the importance of history, even if it can’t be changed. Though it seems there is in fact a difference in the quality of the two kinds of selfishness she encounters in Ian and the Doctor: Ian sides with whoever isn’t trying to kill them in this serial and then makes a moral judgment about what the other side deserves; the Doctor does so without moral judgment and (when he’s with Barbara at least) with a real sense of regret. You do get the feeling that he’s tried to change history before and lost, and that he’s paid a price for it. Which, in my head, may or may not have something to do with his willingness to protect Susan at all costs. I do worry at the slightly ‘fuck it’ attitude Barbara is developing in these matters, but as a time-traveller she’s still very inexperienced, and you get the sense that she’s still going to have to reconcile this giddy fatalism with her sense of what actually matters. And it’s the Doctor who’s going to have to get her through that, not Ian. Character development win.

Barbara, your Jafar is showing.

Back in his office, Robespierre is bolting the doors and going for his gun. Outside, the soldiers are breaking down the door. Robespierre is trying to bluster his way out of it as Stirling and Ian rock up outside the doors; Stirling want to go in, but Ian holds him back; we hear a gunshot. Robespierre is dragged outside with a surprisingly unbloody gunshot wound to the jaw. Stirling asks why Ian held him back, and Ian says Robespierre is finished. They’re taking him to the prison, and now it’s up to the Doctor to get Susan out before they get there.

Outside the prison, a storm is brewing, and the Doctor and Barbara are sheltering under a porch of some sort. They are generally adorable wishing one another luck and safety, and the Doctor goes off to get Susan.

In the prison, everyone is drinking. The Doctor tells the jailer Lemaitre was shot, and tells him that he himself was sent to Paris to ensure Robespierre’s downfall. He gets the jailer arrested for being Lemaitre’s accomplice, tell him he can’t decide whether he’s a rogue or a half-wit or both, and then pretends to give him the benefit of the doubt...then tells him to release the prisoners to ready the cells for Robespierre’s cronies.

Gif by Cleowho

Outside on the porch, Babs is looking on concernedly as violence rages around the prison offscreen; Ian arrives, and she tells them Robespierre’s been taken to the prison. There is casual clinging. Babs tells Stirling where they need to go based on what she remembers from the map. Well, she is their navigator, after all. Ian spots Jules.

Back in prison, Susan is finally let out of jail and tumbles sobbing into her grandfather’s arms. GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO ALREADY. When he tells her they’ve a carriage waiting, she looks so relieved it only confirms my theory about Gallifreyans being generally allergic to squalor and requiring regular doses of luxury and/or fanciness. They see Robespierre being dragged by, again with his surprisingly bloodless jaw. Pausing only to observe how yesterday everyone lived in fear of Robespierre whereas today they…don’t, he and Susan leave the jail. FINALLY.

Susan is finally out of narrative jail.

Back on the porch, Ian is chatting with Jules; Ian tells him to remember the name Bonaparte. Babs is busy charming Stirling into not asking any more questions about where they’ve come from/where they’re going, despite her knowing how he feels about wanting to see England again. Susan and the Doctor rush on, and Susan hugs her Space Parents; everyone fucks off sharpish. Except Stirling, who has a moment with Jules, in which he speculates that the good people of Team Tardis ‘don’t know where they’re heading for’. Careful, Stirling, the Doctor gets pretty irate at that sort of talk.

There follows some footage of a childishly-drawn map mixed in with stock footage of a carriage rolling along. This means our heroes are Travelling.

And OH AT LAST they’re back in the Tardis. Everyone is half-in, half-out of their eighteenth-century gear, and Susan is playing dressup with the Doctor’s feathered hat. Then this happens:

DOCTOR: Well, I can assure you, my dear Barbara, Napoleon would never have believed you. IAN: Yes, Doctor, but ah, supposing we had written Napoleon a letter, telling him, you know, some of the things that were going to happen to him. SUSAN: It wouldn't have made any difference, Ian. He would have forgotten it, or lost it, or thought it was written by a maniac. BARBARA: I suppose if we'd tried to kill him with a gun, the bullet would have missed him.

Dark shit, Babs. Even if you are being deliciously wry. But then a gorgeous thing happens: the Doctor chides his giggly crew, not just because he’s a grumpy old so-and-so, but because even though they can’t change history, that doesn’t mean that what they do doesn’t matter:

DOCTOR: Our lives are important, at least to us. But as we see, so we learn. IAN: And what are we going to see and learn next, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, unlike the old adage, my boy, our destiny is in the stars, so let's go and search for it.

And there it is! There’s how you reconcile being a time-traveller powerless in the face of history with any sense of self-worth! That’s how you don’t crack up! Even if whatever will be will be, your life is still important, not because of what you do but because of what you see, what you learn, and what you find. And, beautifully, it’s not just the destiny of the Gallifreyans any more—it’s the destiny of all four of them, not trying to get home but trying to find that elusive something else. No, YOU’RE crying.

SQUAD GOALS

WHAT IS THE DESTINY OF TEAM TARDIS? WHERE IN THE STARS WILL THEY FIND IT? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SEE AND LEARN NEXT? WILL SUSAN HAVE MORE TO DO IN THE NEXT SEASON OF DOCTOR WHO? DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT GETTING HOME ANY MORE? MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, DID THEY TAKE A FEW BOTTLES OF DELICIOUS FRENCH WINE ABOARD THE TARDIS?

Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Only if you're being very, very generous.

Is the gaze problematic? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? No. Though Susan and Barbara finally get to show a bit of clavicle. Scandalous.

Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? Nope.

Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope. But Susan's entire dramatic function for the rest of the serial is to be in need of rescue so as to keep using the prison set and keep Team Tardis in the thick of it.

Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Susan is a continued state of captivity, but there's no actual capturing.

Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? The Doctor has to rescue Susan from prison.

Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Ish? I'm assuming they're going to guillotine Susan.

Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? Nope.

Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No.

Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? No.

Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No.

Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Stirling talks about Babs as though she isn't there when he says she can stand guard outside the prison.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? No.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Not an enormous amount of menacing this week, but Susan is under most threat.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? No. Though Babs seems to be the only one who knows where the Tardis is parked.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? Yes a teeny bit, when Babs is being glib about bullets bouncing off Napoleon, but it's wry as hell, and the Doctor is ticking them all off for not taking their own importance seriously.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No.

Does a woman get to be a badass? No.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Not really. It's mostly Sitrling and the Doctor.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? Not specific to the past, I wouldn't say.

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? N/A.

Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? N/A.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

A gorgeous ending to a hit-and-miss serial that has some excellent moments but which I'm unable to forgive for its not knowing what the hell to do with Susan. I adore the continued bond between Barbara and the Doctor following their time-traveller chats in The Aztecs, and am enjoying seeing her character development, even if it's going down the 'everything is absurd, nothing really matters, mama, just killed a man' sort of route. I am also an enormous fan of the Doctor's firm but not unkind attitude to his wayward Space Childrens' flippant remarks about the (un)importance of their actions in the field of human history. His little speech at the end of the episode is really key to his character, and you do feel that this idea of their lives being important to them at least is what keeps him going through that sense of the absurd that we see is beginning to take its toll on the new time travellers. It's a kind of oddly virtuous selfishness that never quite wears off. I'm a little worried about Ian, who does seem to flounder a bit when he isn't playing at being the hero. Identity crisis looming. And Susan. Poor, poor, poor, poor Susan. I wouldn't be surprised if this were the serial that made Carole Ann Ford want to start looking for another job. So, at the end of the first series of Classic Who, Team Tardis is a proper squad, beginning to move towards looking for a collective identity/destiny amongst the stars. How wonderful.