#there was this one calico who was so silly and bit me really hard and then tried to follow me out the door

[notsosillyanymore-ehbatman]

I need a pet cat SO BAD

[theoddcatlady]

I Moved Into The Cat Lady’s House

I bought my very first house last month.  

I had to sit in my car for a few minutes, I was just in awe for a few minutes that this house was really mine. It was one of those things that I wanted since I was kid, as stupid as it is- my very own house. And I got it for a steal, the previous owner had just gone into hospice and her son just needed to get rid of it.  

Dylan was waiting for me when I got there, he was a really sweet guy who was just going through one of the roughest times a person can. He welcomed me in, offered to help me sort through the furniture to see what I was going to pitch and which I was going to keep- he wasn’t the sentimental type when it came to flower printed couches, apparently.

I had just laughed and was about to tell him yes when something large ran past my leg and raked its claws down my leg. I screeched, hopping up on a chair and pulling up my pant leg to assess the damage. That was one deep cut, and I looked over at that flower printed couch to see the furry culprit-

a gargantuan calico cat, with the most angry amber eyes and the meanest face I’d ever seen on a cat.  

“Goliath! That’s where you are!” Dylan attempted to reach for the cat, who just hissed at him and bolted down the hallway and I heard him zip up the stairs.  

“Goliath?” I questioned as I sat down on the chair I’d so carelessly leaped on.  

Dylan held up a finger before he went to the bathroom and brought me a wet rag to care for my ankle. Then he told me about Goliath.  

His mom had apparently always loved cats, but the accident that killed her husband also killed her three cats. Dylan, all sorts of messed up from the grief of losing his father, ended up pulling away from his mom and moved across country to go to college. By the time he sorted himself and returned home several years down the line, his mother had taken in the feral tom.  

“He’s always suspicious of strangers, but he’ll warm up to you soon enough. When you can get him calmed down, call me, I’ll take him to the shelter. I’d rather not have Goliath chew up animal control. Besides, he’s a good cat. He saved my mom, I think if he hadn’t shown up, my mom would’ve died from loneliness.”

I don’t know how anyone could be friends with that jackass tom. That night when I was about to go to bed, I found him again. Sitting on my bed. Staring at me with a murder glare.  

I sat down on the bed, the hair on my neck standing straight up as Goliath growled at me. “Stop that,” I shook my finger at the angry cat, “I thought male cats couldn’t be calico. Well, they can be, but apparently the few that are are typically infertile or have a bunch of other issues.”  

Almost as if he understood what I said, the hair on his neck went flat and he stopped growling, like I took the wind out of his sails. That made me snort, but I held firm. “Now, Dylan’s going to pick you up the moment he can, whether you like it or not. I don’t want a cat. Not now. Capiche?”  

Goliath responded by flicking his tail before grooming one of his front paws. I sighed and pulled myself under the covers, feeling a bit silly for talking to a cat. “Goodnight, Goliath,” I said.  

That first week was a nightmare. Other than that initial conversation before bedtime, Goliath spent all his time hiding under thing and waiting for the right moment to come out and bat his paws at me. My ankles and calves were covered in scratches. I complained about his guerrilla warfare to Dylan, and I think he was trying really hard not to laugh even as he offered his sympathies.  

It was irritating and I couldn’t wait for Goliath to take a damn chill pill so Dylan could send him to the shelter.

It was exactly one week after I moved in that I woke up to hear Goliath yowling.  

At first I thought he was just being pissy and this was his new attack on me. But as it carried on… I felt like he sounded sad. Just really sad. I ended up getting up and checking to see what was wrong. Goliath was sitting on the window sill in the living room, for a cat of his mass he was surprisingly agile. He continued to cry and my heart melted. Here I was, being all ticked at this cat, when no doubt he just missed his previous owner.  

I don’t know what possessed me to pick up Goliath and carry him to the couch for some much needed cuddle time, but he didn’t try to hurt me. I stroked his ears and softly told him he was okay, that all was going to be okay. Goliath just repeatedly headbutted me in the chest as his cries quieted, we both ended up falling asleep on the couch. My neck and back were killing me by morning, but Goliath was still asleep as I grabbed my phone off the sidetable where I’d left it charging the night before and I called Dylan.  

“Hey, Goliath’s stopped being so angry, I think now would be the time to take care of him,” I said, quietly as not to wake him up.

Dylan was quiet for a few seconds before I heard him take a deep, shuddering breath. “Yeah, um… I can’t. Not now… my mom went last night. Just passed away in her sleep. I’m sorry,” He said.

I looked down at the sleeping cat in my lap. “Oh, it’s fine. He can stay here then for a bit more. I’m so sorry.”  

He just ‘mmhmm’d’ before he hung up. I looked down at the slumbering Goliath and decided I was heading to the pet store after I showered. Whether I liked it or not, I now had a damn cat.  

I wondered if Goliath knew if he’d lost his owner, that he was mourning her last night.

Now I know he did.

There was another reason I got this house for as cheap as I did- about two years ago, there was a bunch of unsolved disappearances and murders in the area. Heck, the next door neighbors lost their three oldest kids to some sort of wild animal attack before they just vanished themselves. Creepy, but I’m not the kind of person who gives a shit about that sort of thing. So someone may have died on this street, big whoop, people die all the time.  

But Goliath was different. I think I always knew he was different. 

I talked with him all the time and he always seemed to be listening. I usually talked to him about how work was going, or what I was going to make for dinner or what was going on in the book I was reading. Sometimes we talked about more serious things, about my depression and how hard it made it to get up in the morning sometimes, about how I always wondered if moving out to this small town was really the right choice, how I really wanted to be a writer instead of an accountant but I lived comfortably because of accounting and I wouldn’t as a writer. Goliath was a great listener. Never said anything back, but he was a cat after all.

Last Saturday night though, someone broke into my house. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching Netflix, Goliath had just gone out the back cat door to do his night prowls, I was alone.  

I woke up when I heard someone going through something in the kitchen. My half asleep brain first thought it was Goliath just trying to get into the cat food, so I stumbled my way over there to tell his dumb ass to knock it off. Instead of an oversized house cat though, I saw a figure with a black ski mask holding one of my kitchen knives.

I tried to bolt back to the living room to get my phone but didn’t get too far when I felt something cold slice through my back and impale me through the shoulder. It’s not like I had a reference for what being stabbed felt like, I didn’t even realize I had been until I fell to my knees, barely able to even breathe much less scream.  

My attacked pulled the knife back out and I looked up, saw the glint of the blood covered blade preparing to make another strike. I couldn’t move. My dumb ass didn’t fight or run, I just laid there like a complete waste of space while the knife came down again… or it would’ve, if Goliath hadn’t pounced his arm and sunk his teeth right into his skin.

The guy shouted and shook the infuriated cat off, Goliath smacking into the kitchen cabinet before sinking to the ground. I scrambled as fast as I could to the hallway, blood dripping down my arm as I scrambled to get away.

The sound that came from Goliath as he got back to his feet- house cats don’t make that sound. Tigers, maybe.  

Goliath growled again, I felt the temperature of the room raise as cats just starting pouring into my house. Through the open window my attacker had probably come through, through the cat door, hell some even pawed their way up from the basement one way or another. They ignored me as they surrounded Goliath and the intruder.  

“What the fuck-”  

Goliath roared, his tail whipping back and forth as he paced around his prey. The guy gulped before looking down at me. “Call him off! Call your fucking demon cat off!”  

I coughed and shook my head. “He’s not mine,” I said before I began pulling my body down the hallway. I made it to my bedroom and heard my attacker screech in horror before I lost consciousness. I don’t know how long I was out, but I woke up to Goliath licking the wound on my back.  

I only saw what Goliath really was for a second. I’d seen tigers at the zoo smaller than he was, his black fur thick as a wolf’s and the orange patches now glowing like magma. Those fiery eyes flicked up at mine, I blinked, and he was back to being a normal- if not slightly oversized- housecat.  

I don’t know what he did to my back, but the stab wound’s gone. Just a scar now. I’d want to believe it was a dream, but although my kitchen was mostly clean, there was a few swaths of blood left under the table. And I now have like four other cats living in my house. One of them had the nerve to have its babies under my sink so I have to find homes for the fuzzy freeloaders.  

While I lounged in the living room, I saw one of them hack up what I think was a finger. It scarfed it back up before I got a good look. I turned and looked at Goliath, who was perched on the couch arm. “Just what the hell are you? Did that old lady who lived here before even know?”  

Goliath just looked at me, and I swore he winked before yawning and dragging his claws down my couch arm.  

At least I don’t have a body to clean up. And I’ll never need a guard dog with this asshole cat in my home.

[autisticempathydaemon]

hihi im here for the redacted matches thing, if its still open :)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? “Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But…” by Arctic Monkeys! ive always loved indie rock music, and this song in particular just scratches that musical itch in my brain

What is your Enneagram type? Type 2, The Helper

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? nooo they’re too long :(

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. i was supposed to have a childhood imaginary friend? nah fam i played with calico critters all day, i dont think i ever had a childhood imaginary friend

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? usually just listening to comforting audios, or taking melatonin 

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) it sounds cool as hell, and if the person i stole it from isn’t using it anymore, imma yoink that shit and claim it as my own

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? "Your Boyfriend's a Flirty Vampire Prince and ALSO a Cheeky Dork". heart eyes at Vincent rn

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) Yandere!Ivan and Regulus who genuinely makes me uncomfortable, i only ever listened to Yandere!Ivan for lore reasons and i have refused to even go near Regulus bc that mf is CREEPY. i dont get the hype for either of them really

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. OOOH okay SO theres this book called Just Ash by Sol Santana, and the main character is intersex!! ive only ever once seen an intersex character in a piece of media, and that was 7 years ago. Just Ash kinda details the struggles that some intersex people can go through, and i learned a lot because of it (i didnt even know that salt wasting was a thing before reading this book). Just Ash also inspired me to start doing research on disabilities that arent as well-known throughout the world, such as scoliosis or ostomy.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? Huxley. i need some good hugs in my life man. and Porter for queer reasons (that man is GAY you cannot tell me otherwise — plus you already know that he has some great sarcasm with the whole gag reflex quip)

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) when im low on energy, i either go nonverbal or start saying random silly things

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. despite being white, i have never had the classic white experience of visiting a gas station and terrorizing the cashier with my friends. i dont have a specific gas station that i like, but i looove the cherry slurpee omg that shit goes hard

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. i have ceremoniously named it ♥️ good shit ♥️ because it has good shit in it (imo). Arctic Monkeys, Laufey, Mitski, Lovejoy, The Orion Experience — basically any indie rock band/soft-voiced sad girl that goes hard

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? boyfriend asmr that surpasses asmr because its chocked full of lore and likable characters and world building and

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! i loveloveLOVE pink omg best color ever fr. also. i eat lore for breakfast, literally my favorite thing ever. i will listen as you info dump about those silly little characters that run around in your head. im also autistic btw if that counts for anything 👍

(ive done this before, but i dont think it sent last time 😭)

Oh, this is easy peasy lemon squeezy. If you’re an autistic person with a love of lore and stories, there’s no better match for you than Guy, our resident storyteller!

One, we love an A4A relationship, and Guy has got to be the dictionary picture of an AuDHD dude, you know? Two, Type Two’s are characterized as being friendly, giving people who want to love and be loved, and Guy would be a good match for you because he is just so loving, so affectionate. I also love him for you because Guy is kind of as far from a yandere as I can imagine, and that feels right.

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how much fun you and Guy would have. He, of the Redacted bois, strikes me as the most likely to listen to Redacted, so couldn’t you just imagine it being a shared special interest between the two of you? You could listen to early access together and scream about it on tumblr, because let’s be real, Guy 100% has a tumblr. He’d also adopt popular lines and the Redacted ringtone as vocal stims, and I can imagine you finding that charming and funny because it would be.

Song:

Every time I think of you/ I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue/ It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find/ Livin' a life that I can't leave behind/ There's no sense in telling me/ The wisdom of the fool won't set you free/ But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows/ Well, every day my confusion grows

I’m not gonna lie- I don’t super know what this song means, and neither would Guy. I do know that it’s fun, it’s a love song, it’s indie rock, and it’s a classic. This strikes me as the type of song that Guy knows all the words and can perform without a second thought, thus he loves turning it up and singing it at you whenever it comes on in the car.

Runner-Ups:

David is a runner-up for you because I love A4A pairings, and David is my favorite Redacted boi to headcanon as autistic after Guy. However, I do prefer Camelopardalis as a runner up; he’s not autistic, but I think his nature is more outwardly effusive and affectionate than David’s which would be better for a Type Two.

note: thank you for waiting~ you did send this before, and it came through; it just took me some time to get through the entries before you 💛

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[onlyplatonicirl]

helloeth dear author headcANON here, my phone blew up for several hours and i wasnt able to get on tumblr :((( but now i can and now i will proceed to yell into your askbox. today we are making up shit about everyone's favourite cat, molly <33 i love her shes so silly

a calico is not a breed but rather a coat descriptor, a calico is a cat of any breed who displays an even coverage of three different colours, which is why i like to imagine that shes a calico norweigan forest cat, mostly because those cats are known to be absolutely bloody massive and according to the height chart (yes headcANON is old, old) molly is 7'4, plus they are very soft and fluffy

to me she literally looks like spottedleaf from warrior cats, just fluffier

this also makes me hc that if she were to be a human, she would be norweigan/slavic

she has heterochromia, one green eye and one blue eye and she used to be a bit self conscious about it but as soon as she hit her twenties like with most insecurities she just stopped caring

molly always had an interest in science, particularly in living sciences such as biology, ecology, zoology, and also monster-ology? bestiology? the study of monsters, i like to imagine this was spurred on from her childhood, i can see her coming from a family where her mum or dad was very sickly maybe with an incurable disease and so she wanted to set out and cure it, so she absolutely jumped at the opportunity to work for the council - to bad it wasnt everything she'd hoped it would be

perhaps molly may also be genetically prone to developing this disease later on in life, which would just make her want to research it even more

i also think she'd come from a working class family, she had to start working from quite a young age and throughout her time at college and uni

she is hard of hearing! because i am too, and shes one of my favourite characters :))

i think collars are a sort of fashion piece for cat monsters (dog monsters too), molly wears one, it was given to her by her mum, its a small green collar with a golden bell on it

her handwriting is really elegant, but most of the time she has to write quite quick so it turns into doctor-scratch

she was really good friends with life, i think theyd have tea together in life's garden

paints her claws :) probably pink or blue, takes real good care of em

she never really thought she would have kids, mostly because she doesnt like men lol, but she was open to adoption and has always been quite motherly and caring since she grew up the oldest out of her siblings

when she was unofficially tasked with looking after error, this side of her really came out, and she didnt quite know how to feel about it, she shouldnt be so nice to someone to like error, hes hurt people and if he wasnt so heavily drugged up, he could kill her too, but she didnt think he was like that, she saw the good in him, she listened to him babble on about the goings on inside of his dreams, and they would have short, disjointed conversations where she would ask him what was important to him, who he loved, his favourite food - she saw the side of him no one believed existed

she had nightmares for several nights leading up to the date of error's execution, worried that something would go wrong, worried that nothing would go wrong, worried that she'd be haunted by him knowing that this wasnt right

she used to have a big crush on sf!undyne, that attraction quickly died when she realised just how cruel she could be

on mollys breaks, she goes and writes haikus, it calms her down :)

did catnip once, never again

- headcANON

OOOOOOHHHHHHH YEAHHHHB THESE ARE FANTASTIC!! I feel like an angel just descended from the heavens and handed me this wonderful gift. These are so real and fit her character so well uWAHHHH.

Also she canonically is a lesbian!! I decided that a while ago. She gives me fem x fem vibes.

ANON I WOULD LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW, (and anyone else who may be reading this) LOOK FORWARD TO MORE MOLLY LORE SOON!!!!! HER STORY IS NOT OVER.

[entropic-introspection]

Hi Lego Monkie Kid is a good and fun show and I needed to distract myself tonight, so here. Patch is my very silly OC that came about from me going "oh shit hot evil ladies" and then, as I do, things just kinda kept going.

The quick n dirty summary so far: Patch is (possibly) the eldest of 8 siblings, all of whom are cat yaoguai. Their mom has some sort of debt to Princess Iron Fan, and Patch is determined to repay it. Her enormous crush on the lady notwithstanding. She's... not necessarily always very helpful, as she's an independent little tumbleweed who gets very cagey about her family's secrets and powers. Not, of course, that her family is anything special! Just a bunch of merchants, really :3c Where are they from originally? Oh, somewhere around Tyre. I guess her mom's from some weird place no one's ever heard of called Ulthar...

So Patch and Pluck are a pair of calico twins, and no one knows which is the eldest, because generally "one-eyed calico" is a good enough descriptor to pick up which kid came first. They both lay claim to the title for funsies, and refer to each other as "elder sister" and "elder brother" for maximum confusion. If you know cat facts, yes, Pluck is trans! Patch started pitching her voice up as a kid to help him cover, and never really dropped the habit. If you listen to her sing, she's a bit deeper than you'd expect from listening to her talk.

Pluck is somewhat less of a disaster than his sister, or at least, less obviously one. While her family teases her about falling for every hot villain lady without ever realizing it until they are Obviously Puppy-Kicking Evil, Pluck falls for self-sacrificing heroes with fat asses. (He prefers to describe it as liking "kind and compassionate people, even to their own detriment. With fat asses.") Personable and with a talent for languages, he's the front man for most of the family business. This means he travels a lot, but he always tries to keep an eye out for all of his siblings, and will especially make time for Patch and her problems.

Warp is the next eldest, and takes her inspiration from Pallas cats and a few design cues from spiders. (She should look chonkier in the pic, I have failed her, but the 4 arms are tricky.) Her name is from warp threads, the lengthwise threads on a loom that are capable of handling immense strain and pressure. She is very talented with all areas of sewing, clothing making, and seamstress-ing, but she also maintains the family pathways between worlds, called weirdways. She's brusque, has trouble picking up on emotions, and not great with social niceties, so she's more than happy to mostly stay home and work with stock and weirdway management. She's excellent with numbers in any case, and her family try hard to be sure she never feels left out.

Essentially, this is just. A family of mercantile cats who squeeze through cracks in different worlds! The C'thulu mythos crossover is mostly to justify that, and otherwise plays a minuscule part. They are pretty careful about what they allow to slip between worlds, and are generally limited to what they can individually carry, but over the years they've picked up some interesting items and storage solutions. They generally aren't anywhere near the strongest or most threatening in any given dimension, and they don't want to be! They love picking up stories and gossip, but they know they aren't exactly the material of legends themselves.

Their mom (the tiniest Turkish Angora) mostly deals with business negotiations and upper management these days, and each kid sort of picked a different world or direction to explore and form a market in.(The compass rose is somewhere on the inspiration board of all this.) Sir-Not-Appearing, Breaker, loves water and the ocean, and has been hanging around Vikings recently. Might have a crush on Thor.

All of these names are essentially their use names; not at all what they were named at birth, but the names they go by in their travels, and often at home as well. The fact that these names often have a kind of shady second meaning is definitely a coincidence. Yep! Coincidence. There is no cat crime.

[xamag-draws]

Ed’s fears

Just wanna talk about Ed's trust issues and fear of rejection and embarrassment for a bit. I’m sure a lot has been said about it already, but I need to release the pressure from my cranium.    

I love Ed because he’s simultaneously very confident and comfortable in his skin, with great people skills and open demeanor, but also has a lot of insecurities and feels lost in social situations he's not familiar with. He's up to any silly shit as long as others support it or find it cool, but if he thinks that people are starting to laugh at him instead of with him, he loses it.

Ed says that fear is the most powerful emotion, and that Blackbeard feels no fear. But the real Ed's biggest fear is being ridiculed and undermined. He simultaneously dislikes the caricature of violence people assign to him, yet subconsciously Needs to be the scariest pirate out there, because if people are afraid of him, they won't laugh at him.

It parallels Stede in an interesting way, because Stede is very familiar with being seen as cringe by everyone around, but he just kinda accepted it at this point, and doesn't let it stop him anymore. He only has this one life to live, and he's gonna do it his way, silly libraries on board and all, which is what Ed admires about him. Stede doesn't need to be some tough shit pirate to be able to handle some shade and throw some back, without absolutely losing it. If Stede learned to be a little more unhinged about standing up for himself from Ed, I hope Ed can learn some composure from him, too.

In the 5th episode, Ed is completely out of his element. These people have their own set of bizarre rules that are hard for him to follow, brilliant sailor or not. They don't know who he is, so his reputation and threats don't affect them. Not to mention him being a mixed person of color. His fear of being emotionally trampled was palpable in that shrimp scene, and he was about to resort to the only way he knows how to fix it: taking out his gun and maiming some bitches.

Ed's disturbed by the notion that thinly veiled insults exist as a form of emotional warfare, and that Stede obliterated an entire ship with politely delivered words alone. I think that moment of Stede's derangement was definitely respected and appreciated by Ed, but it also planted a seed of "he's capable of destroying me in ways I couldn't even fathom" in his mind.

During Ed's stay on the ship, he and Stede come to feel comfortable enough around each other to open up and be themselves without worrying about how others see them. This requires trust in each other, the trust that if you show your belly you won't get stabbed in it.

I think Calico Jack was the first blow to Ed's newly acquired trust in that regard. The old Blackbeard would've been on his guard and suspicious of Jack from the start, but for the new trusting Ed it was enough to cry about a mutiny (which I imagine Jack normally wouldn’t do). Jack tricks him, then laughs in his face and mocks the idea that pirates could even have friends. On top of that, Ed finds out that Izzy gave them up, and Izzy has always been his most trustworthy person.

Stede disappearing after their most vulnerable moment is obviously the biggest nail in the coffin. It's very telling that Ed didn't go back looking for Stede, in case he got himself into some trouble, but just kinda sat there in defeat, like deep down he expected it to go this way.

There’s a neat progression of his power dynamic with Stede. When they first met, Ed was obviously friendly and nice with Stede, but he had the upper hand there. Blackbeard is the legend of the seas, and Stede is a funny little guy who almost got killed for being stupid. Ed really enjoys casually revealing his identity to Stede, because he knows how much it'll awe him. "You're a lunatic and I like it" isn't an insult by any means, but it says “I know my shit, and you don’t (affectionate)”.

But then in the 5th episode, he learns that Stede is equally as knowledgeable and ruthless in other areas. In the 6th, Stede supports him through a moment of weakness and self-loathing. After that, Ed is no longer a cool menacing idol to a little incompetent goofball nobody; he fully comes to see Stede as an equal, hence them deciding to co-captain.

And after they level it out, Ed almost seems like he's afraid to believe that Stede Actually Really likes him back. He's very moved that Stede is willing to look past his assassination attempt; he looks surprised when Lucius tells him Stede went out of his way to do something fun for him; when Jack appears and badly influences his behavior, Ed sheepishly argues this is the real him, and Stede wouldn't like it anyway, so leaving is the right option. The way he says "what makes Ed happy is...you" is with baited breath.

If Stede is his equal and knows his weaknesses, he could hurt Ed like no one before, but Ed probably wouldn’t have the heart to hurt him back. That’s quite a vulnerable and scary position for him, so Ed is ready to explode the bridges and run if anything went even slightly wrong.

So maybe Stede's upset reaction to his resigned state confused him. Or maybe he projected his own unstable unreliable nature onto Stede. Or maybe he thought that Stede wasn't ready to become a real outlaw, or would rather not involve himself with such a horrible person after all. Or that their entire relationship was some fucked up social experiment invented by the upper class weirdos. Either way, I'm sure that when Stede didn't show up, he felt like a fool.

Ed convinced himself that there's no possible interpretation other than rejection and humiliation, and that's what he deserves. Sure, he could go back and check, but if he did and found Stede just chilling on his bunk bed like “oh sorry mate, I don’t actually want to gayly run off with you anymore, I hoped you’d just kind of go away“, that’d be fate worse than death. So it’s better to assume the unspoken, and get out.

Izzy's reaction back on the ship buried the rest of that coffin.

Izzy, Ivan and Fang strike me as very straight-forward with Ed. If Izzy doesn't like something, he's not gonna hold back or dance around the issue, he takes Ed aside and tells him how it is. And in turn, Ed is quite open to criticism, if it's delivered straight to his face. He might make scary eyes at you, but he's willing to try and make things better. In a way, they also talk it through like a crew, although they don't dig deeper for the roots of those issues.

But when Izzy goes "waa waa namby pamby pining for his boyfriend", this is the biggest slap in Ed's face he could deliver. No one laughs at Blackbeard, especially not his trusty assistant, who previously looked up to him as a sea god of sorts, who was literally ready to leave for being disrespectful to Ed before. So Ed's reflexes kick back again, and he resorts to violence to stop the mockery as he's used to.

And then, when he's left alone, the crew starts calling out for him to perform another song. There's something haunting about this moment, how you can feel his paranoia flaring up again, shifting his perception towards the people he thought he could trust.

He trusted Stede, he trusted Jack, he trusted Izzy, and all of them betrayed that trust one way or another. If the one person who allegedly cared about him so so much just left him hanging on a dock like an idiot, and his own right hand man feels okay with belittling him, then what about the rest of them? Who can he trust at this point? Who's not a fickle crowd?

Maybe all of them disliked him all along. Maybe they laugh at him behind his back. Maybe they're frivolously calling him Eddie and demanding another performance, because he's the ship clown. Maybe all of them need to be scared into their place again, with chopped toes and pointed guns.

I think this is confirmed by the way he looks at Lucius before throwing him overboard. Lucius comes to him talking about the talent show, and Ed gives him a bitter smile that says "I know what you're doing. I know exactly how you feel about me. I see it now, and I won't be made fun of anymore".

The way he calls the crew "Bonnet's playthings" too, not only objectifying them back into their role of ship's workers, but also separating himself from ever being friendly with these people. They can't hurt him anymore if they're some insignificant belongings of another person he has no feelings towards.

And after he's back to being the Blackbeard, the man who's feared but feels no fear, no rejection and no embarrassment, he sobs uncontrollably, now with even less emotional outlets for his pain, frustration and confusion. Probably certain that he will never meet another person who could love someone like him, whom Ed could love and trust back.

I know we like, jokingly blame everything that happened on Izzy, but he’s not the only one who needs the Blackbeard’s image. Neither of them have the social leverage without it, and Ed would need sooo much therapy before he can fully stop relying on being the Blackbeard, like he wanted in ep 9.

All in all, Ed's already fragile trust in people is now fucked beyond belief, and if Stede really wants to convince him his love confessions still means shit, he'll have to work his ass off for it. And i'm excited to see how it goes.

[izzy-b-hands]

Ngl I'm stoned and this is a lil dumb, but hopefully there's enough silly funny bits to make up for it lol

anyway, in which Calico Jack gets a new ship, and goes shopping for a new crew! Well, poaching, actually. Stealing, really. Not even well, but he's trying.

Steddyhands, but it's not the main focus of this, that is reserved for Jack's Fuckery lmao. NSFW in some bits, but not too graphically. There are some stabbings as well, but it's all one person at least.

---

"Ain't she beautiful?"

Ed nodded. "She is. She's also mine."

Jack did a double take between Ed and the ship. "Nah."

"Yeah? Literally, on the side there: Queen Anne's Revenge. Izzy painted it on; you were with us that day!"

"That could be a typo," Jack protested. "Pirates are not known for spelling accuracy. Besides, I found her fair and square, floatin' along."

"Right, because we meant to go back and get her at some point. I had Izzy put up the 'be right back' sign on the helm, did it fall off?"

Jack frowned. "Might have seen such a sign. Recognized the handwriting."

"And stole my ship anyway?"

"Look, if you don't want your shit stolen, then don't make it so stealable," Jack muttered. "Besides, would you rather anyone else have her?"

Ed shrugged. "Fair point. You said you've got a new crew?"

Jack led him further down the beach, back towards everyone else laying out on the sand. "Well, not yet. Actually, that's why I was so glad to see you guys! How would you feel about a mutiny, and then you all come join me, and we sell Steve?"

Ed groaned. "Seriously? I screamed in your fucking face that Stede-"

"Steve?"

"No, Stede!"

"Who? We're talkin' about Steve, right?"

Ed dropped onto the sand mid-step. "I can't tell if you're fucking with me and trying to be funny, or if you honestly think we have a Steve and Stede onboard."

"Look, you wanted change, right? What better change than a little demotion? I captain, you can be first mate for me, and we'll sell Izzy and Steve."

Ed stood up with a start. "Hang the fuck on. You want to demote me to the arguably much shittier job of first mate, and you want to sell off my boyfriends?"

Jack raised a brow. "Oh. Both of 'em, huh? You always did like a challenge. Or you wouldn't have ever fucked me, right?"

"You're not really answering the question."

Jack threw up his hands. "Fine. We'll do this the hard way. I'll convince your crew to join me, then we'll sell you, Izzy, and Stede."

"Hey! You got it right!" Ed smiled. "But also if you do actually try and poach our crew, I'll do whatever I have to do to stop you, Jack. I don't want to, but I will."

Jack laughed. "Okay, you do that. You maim me or beat me to a pulp, big scary Blackbeard!"

Ed giggled. "I will! You're not nearly as good a friend as you were before too so I mean, maybe consider that. Kind of already upset with you! Won't take much more to really piss me off!"

Jack stepped closer. "I'd like to see you like that. Pissed off, ready to rip me apart. Bet you still couldn't."

"Jack-"

"I need a crew. Yours sucks, but I'm not in a place to be picky. Whoever doesn't agree with me can go in a cage with you and your boys, and we'll buy something nice for the ship with whatever we get for all of you."

Ed frowned. "Not that badly decorated, is she? I know Izzy said I've got too many skulls around-"

"It is a lot of skulls," Jack interrupted. "But nah, it ain't that bad. No, I just think it'll piss you off knowing I'm using that money to redecorate your quarters. My quarters, now."

"Everyone warned me that I wouldn't want you as an ex," Ed sighed. "Think I understand that now."

"I got a reputation to uphold," Jack grinned. "Anyway, don't mind me skulking around chatting up your crew. You can't stop me, nothing wrong with talkin' to people!"

Ed nodded as he watched Jack walk off, whistling as he kicked up sand. He needed to talk to Stede, ASAP.

--

"Izzy!"

"Jesus fucking chr-the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Izzy nearly dropped the wooden box of marmalade jars he was hauling from the Revenge's galley at Jack's appearance, though that was bullshit in and of itself. He had told Ed and Stede they'd inevitably want more than the few jars they'd grabbed so why not take more right away? But no, they were stubborn and didn't and now he couldn't leave them sans marmalade, that would be cruel-

"You keepin' the wives happy?" Jack's fingertip slide across the edge of the box. "Please tell me this isn't what y'all use for lube."

"Who the fuck would do that?" Izzy scoffed, then remembered who he was talking with. "Christ, no, they've just got a slight addiction to this with toast. Speaking of, I'm expected back."

Jack's hand slapped flat on the front of the box. "They can wait a little longer."

Izzy rolled his eyes. "I appreciate the intimidation tactic, but those two will come looking shortly, and they're hungry on top of it all. That is actually intimidating, so if you'll kindly get the fuck out of my way."

"Izzy," Jack hissed, leaning forward. "We could be so good together."

"I don't know if this is a come on or an attempt to make me join you as crew, but I'm not interested in either," Izzy said as he shifted the box onto his hip. "I only need the one hand free to stab you, Jack. I would love the opportunity. If you don't move now, then I'll take it."

Jack clucked his tongue. "Thought you'd be an easier target than this."

"Hm."

"Don't really know what to do now," Jack admitted. "It wasn't a come on, but, since we're alone here on this nice big ship..."

Izzy blinked. "Right. You do whatever you feel you need to; I'll go let Roach know we'll need to deep clean this area, and bring the boys their marmalade before they riot."

"Izzy, come on. You seriously don't want a chance at something new? Something more?"

Izzy scoffed. "As if you'd have me as first mate. No, I'm sure you'd take the first chance to kill, maroon, or sell me off. I'm not an idiot, Jack. Here's what you should know from here on out-"

With the box still balanced on one hip, he pulled a knife from his belt. "I am very happy with the current situation. Believe me, it surprised me at first too-"

"You are a miserable bastard," Jack interrupted with a chuckle.

Izzy nodded, then stabbed the knife into Jack's abdomen.

"Well then," Jack panted. "You meant it, with the stabbing."

"In all the years I've had to trail after you and Edward, making sure neither of you wandered drunk into the sea, have I ever lied to you about all the harm I'd like to do to you?"

Jack nodded. "You have threatened me a lot over the years!"

Izzy smirked. "And you didn't listen to a word of it. Now, I'm taking my knife back, and I'm getting this marmalade to the boys. And if you try to poach anyone else off this crew, so help me I will stab you until there's nothing solid enough left to stab."

He yanked his knife from Jack's flesh, and strode out. Thankfully, he hadn't gotten any blood on the box or any of the jars.

--

"Sup?"

Roach stared into the trees, specifically eyeballing the one he was pissing closest to. "Sorry?"

"Not bad," Jack popped out from behind one of the trees. "Your dick, I mean. Was flippin' through that book Steve has, what's-his-name did a good job drawing yours."

Roach finished and put himself away while pondering a response. "His name is Lucius, and it's Stede, not Steve-"

"Who is?"

Roach shook his head. "Forget it. Thanks, I guess. About my...yeah. I'm gonna head back to the crew, if you want to j-"

"Join! Me, no! But you, could join me, yes!" Jack grinned.

"Was your goal to make a pitch using the fewest words possible?" Roach asked. "Because you did it, but it was weird. Weird for you, which I think is an important distinction."

"So, you'll be my chef?"

"No! Nothing I said was anything about doing that!"

Jack frowned. "Shame. Your cooking is amazing."

At that, Roach couldn't hold back a smile. It was at least partially just Jack trying to butter him up, but fuck it, it was still complimentary enough.

"Would love to have that sort of fine work onboard the Quee-uh, the King Jack's... Revenge..Revenger."

Roach nodded. "Very sweet of you, but I'm good where I am. The offer to join us for a midnight snack still stands though; we're making s'mores!"

He peered down Jack's front. "Is that blood?"

"Just a little bit, Izzy didn't like being asked to join me, and boy howdy did he let me know! He's a scrappy lil guy, huh?"

Roach smirked. "What if I tell him that I met you out here?"

The color drained from Jack's face, though that might have been the stab wound as much as anything else. "No, you don't have to-why would he even want to know that, I mean...ah fuck it, you ain't worth it! I'll find a better chef!"

Jack went crashing off into the trees, with a final bird flipped to Roach as he went.

"This is why we need piss break buddies," Roach muttered to himself. "Everyone thinks it's 'oh Roach is afraid of the dark', but no, it's weird shit like this! That's what we need someone with for!"

He made a mental note to tell Izzy about the encounter first thing when he got back. He had a feeling he would burn hot enough they could heat the s'mores over him instead of the fire.

--

"No."

"I didn't even say anything yet," Jack chuckled. "C'mon Jim. You and I haven't even spent any time together, and I bet you're jealous of the rest of them over it."

"Could you fuck off?" Jim asked sharply. "Even if I wasn't in the middle of this, the answer would still be no. Roach warned us you were hiding out and doing this."

Olu lifted his head from between Jim's thighs. "Seriously! You are really fucking distracting, and this is fucking rude! Would you storm into someone's bedroom while they were fucking and ask them to join your crew?"

"Have done that once before, actually," Jack said as he sat down by Jim's head. "Don't let me interrupt."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Jim shouted, and a startled cry went up from the campsite near the beach.

"Damn it," Jack hissed. "Thanks a lot; if Izzy stabs me again it is your fucking fault!"

Jim glared, held out their hand for a knife, and jabbed the one Olu handed them into Jack's arm.

"Now that's unnecessary," Jack scoffed. He yanked the knife out, then stood and darted back into the trees, just as Izzy and Roach came crashing into the clearing.

"He's gone already," Roach sighed. "Fuck."

"You know the ship would be more comfortable than here," Izzy commented to Jim.

Jim handed the blooded knife back to Olu, and tossed an arm over their eyes. "Yes. Yes it would be. But we thought we'd have more privacy in the fucking jungle! Than anywhere else! And we were wrong!"

"We'll go," Roach said gently, tugging Izzy by the elbow. "Sorry about all of this."

"Right, we'll get him the next time," Izzy nodded.

"Sure, great, thank you!" Olu shouted as they crashed back through the brush. "Should we try the ship instead?"

"Nah, at least they know which area to avoid now. Not exactly privacy, but I'll take it," Jim sighed. "You still good down there?"

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

--

"So, we aren't hunting Jack down to kill him, in theory," Ed said. "Just to make him fuck off, or chill the fuck out and stop bothering everyone about joining his crew on my ship. That he stole."

"Yeah, you keep mentioning that," Frenchie noted.

"Yeah, well, it was a really dick move," Ed said. "So I think it bears repeating."

"The goal is to talk to him," Stede added. "If you feel you will be moved only to violence instead of words, then please come get one of us. That way we can try the talking bit, and if it doesn't work we always have violence as a solid back up plan."

"A note on that," Izzy said. "Do not get me for the talking bit, only Ed or Stede. I am on the side of violence first, so if you want help in any violence against him, that's when you find me."

Stede smiled and clapped his hands together. "Perfect! Everything crystal clear, we all have snacks and water... let's get going!"

Before anyone could take a step, Jack forced himself through a small gap between two trees near their camp. "Ah ha! Thought you'd- ouch, fuck-seen the last of old...hang on, fuckin' coat is stuck...there, the last of old Calico Jack?! Well, here I am!"

He was covered in dirt, blood, hair greasy and a mess. At some point he'd managed to lose both his boots but gained a new one that was nothing like his original pair.

"Okay, that makes things easier!" Stede said. "We need you to stop this, Jack. You're a sensible... well. You're a man who understands...no. You...if someone went around poaching your crew, if you had one, that would bother you, yes?"

Jack nodded.

"Well, that's our issue," Stede continued. "I respect and understand you want a crew of your own again. However, and I will speak plainly: you're a fucking menace. And if you think you should be scared of Izzy over this, then you're both right and wrong. Right, because he does want to stab you again, but wrong, because if you keep trying to steal my crew, I'll gouge your fucking eyes out with my bare hands. Ed taught me how to do that a few weeks ago, and I could use the practice!"

Dead silence.

Then, Ed, softly.

"Jack. I need to take Stede back to the ship, immediately. I'm going to give you two minutes to make it back to my ship that I'm going to let you keep borrowing-"

"Come on," Jack interrupted. "Just face it; I stole her fair and square! Also, weird seeing you hard in those pants when I'm not the one causing it. Kinda hate it, actually."

Ed glared at him. "As I was saying. You may continue to borrow my ship for now. You have two minutes to return to it before the crew gets to chase after you. Ship is safe, but if you have even a toe off it-"

He shrugged. "I would make sure I'm on the ship by then. Were it me."

"I hate how hot it is when you talk like that," Jack chuckled. Then, with a tired sigh, he burst into a sprint towards the Queen Anne's Revenge.

"Are you actually gonna send us after him?" Wee John asked. "Seems a waste of time."

"Can if you want, but he's always been a spry fucker. He'll probably be onboard and below deck before we know it," Ed replied. "But I do need to get Stede back to the ship-"

"Yeah, yeah, you wanna fuck his brains out for the eye gouging threat," Jim laughed. "We know; you aren't subtle."

Ed nodded. "So Stede, Izzy, and I will be busy for the rest of the night. You all...do whatever you want. Come back onboard, spend the night camping out here, whatever makes you happiest. If Jack bothers you-"

"Threaten to stab him," came the crew's chorus.

--

On the Queen Anne's Revenge, Jack bandaged his wounds. Maybe having his own ship again wasn't the right thing, right now.

At the sound of distant moaning, he looked out from his quarters with his spyglass. There, in the window of the Revenge's main quarters, he could see Ed and Stede and Izzy and shedding clothes...

He set the spyglass down after a moment, and pondered if they needed anyone in a role like that. To bring water, snacks, clean towels, more lube, etc.

He decided he'd start asking around with the crew in the morning.

[duskamethyst]

close to you. | part. Ⅱ

a/n: i am beyond grateful that i’ve got requests for a part two when i initially didn’t plan for this to be a series. i also don’t know what you’re expecting from the previous ending. i can make it spicy if that’s what you want (if you wish for part three), but i’ve no experience in writing gn!reader smut (so it’ll be f!reader instead). so, yeah. drop me something. it’ll really help. if not, i’ll just end it here.

word count: 3.2k

genre: fluff

warnings: n/a

pairing: catboy!kuroo x gn!reader

← read part. Ⅰ

“w-what do you mean?” you reply, refusing to look at him in the eyes as you speak. 

“you know, give me a kiss like you always did.” he purrs. “i kind of miss it, to be honest.”

your mind walks you down to memory lane where you always cradled him and gently kiss him on his wet nose. it was one of your favorite things to do and you swore you would’ve given him so many kisses on the nose but he always ended up squirming around and ran away. 

then you thought of kissing your cat in his human form and your cheeks start to warm when you realize how embarrassing it would be. you know he’s still your cat and all but it’s a bit different now, right?

“don’t be ridiculous, kuroo.” you sneer, crouching down and over his arm to step away from his silly enclosure like you’re a mouse that he managed to corner. he looks at you dejectedly, ears plopping down but perks back up the moment an idea pops in his head. from the look of his face, you can already tell that you hate it already. 

“how about we play hide and seek?” he suggests, golden irises glinting with playfulness. you know he’s stubborn and you can’t do anything but give in.

you sigh, “and what’s the catch?”

“if i catch you, you’ll have to kiss me.” he claims proudly as he puffs out his chest, hands on his hips and you regret asking in the first place. 

“what?!” your jaw almost drops. this game would only benefit him. you’ve played with him plenty of times before and you’re aware that he’s damn good at it. he’ll find you in a jiffy with the help of his strong sense of smell. 

“but that’s not fair! you already know where–” 

“ten, nine, eight...” kuroo completely ignores you as he closes his eyes to begin the countdown. although being completely forced into this game, your mind is already fumbling to figure out where would be the best spot to hide as you run away from the male. 

certainly not the closet– it would be too obvious. 

under the dining table? too easy.

under the bed? nah, that’s where he usually hides from you.

you don’t have much of a choice so in the end, you choose to hide behind the thick curtains in the corner of the living room. maybe if you hold your breath and sink in your stomach, you’d appear flatter and blend in with the curtains. 

“one!” he chirps before you start to hear his footsteps become louder and fade into the distance. just as you thought, the bedroom is the first place he would look into since that’s where the closet is located. you can hear the door open and a startling ‘boo!’ from him that almost makes you giggle before he closes it back again. 

it makes you anxious when you hear echoes of footsteps pacing back and forth as he walks to the bathroom then to the kitchen before they suddenly become quiet again and you think that he probably stops walking around the house. kuroo probably realizes that the sounds from his feet are making quite the noise in that form unlike when he was walking on his paws. 

“gotcha.” you squeal in surprise as kuroo yanks the curtains away and pulls you into his hard chest. “i immediately knew when i passed the living room but it wouldn’t be fun if the game ended so soon.”

“oh, shut up. you knew you would win anyway.” you huff in frustration. 

“you’ve picked the worst place to hide,” he smirks and leans down to whisper in your ear, “or was it on purpose?”

“you wish i was.” you roll your eyes, ignoring the shiver running down your spine when you feel his hot breath fanning your ear. 

“of course you didn’t.” chuckling, he then looks at you dead in the eyes. “and my reward?” 

“i didn’t agree to anything.” you internally curse at yourself when your heart makes a skip over how close his face is to yours, only separated by just a few inches. 

“but you played, didn’t you? you could’ve said no.” he purrs, hazel eyes flicking down to your lips and back to your eyes. 

“yeah– y-you didn’t give me a choice.” your breath comes out short as you realize he’s closing the space between you. “kuroo, stop.”

“don’t want to.” he cups your face gently to hold you still. you close your eyes as you nervously wait for his lips to crash onto yours and you can feel his bangs tickling against your face.

however, kuroo abruptly pulls away as a ‘pang’ sound reverberates throughout the room followed by an odd, stinging pain on his cheek.  

“ow?!” he yelps, his hand reaches his cheek and his eyes are blown in bewilderment. it feels warm, but it’s not the kind that he likes. it doesn’t feel anything like your body heat when he curls up on top of you despite the fact that it does heat up because of you.

“sike!” you laugh triumphantly but the man only looks at you in dejection. 

“you’ve never hit me before.” the corners of his lips tug into a frown and his tail curls around his waist for comfort.

you ponder for a moment, “true. but i find it easier to slap a man instead of a cat.” 

“then you’ll kiss me if i turn back into a cat, right?” his ears perk up as a sign of piqued interest.

you roll your eyes, “not necessarily.” you stretch your arms as you walk away to your room. “well, i’m beat. goodnight, kuroo.”

“coming!” he catches up to you but the door slams into his face before he can enter your room.

“no!”

kuroo ended up sleeping on the couch that night. he’s not entirely happy about it and you can see his attitude switches up the next morning. weekends mean you get the chance to laze around and steal the opportunity to wake up later than usual, and living with you for years means kuroo is also familiar with your schedule.

unfortunately, an unwanted noise disturbs your slumber. 

and he is scratching the door.

“go away, kuroo!” you groan, rolling to your side with a pillow between your head as you cover your ears in hopes to block out the racket right outside your bedroom. 

yet, kuroo is persistent, and you both are aware of that. whatever he wants, he will get. 

well, almost.

jumping off the bed and stomping your way to open the door, you look down to see the roguish cat grinning up at you tauntingly. 

“what?” 

kuroo meows as a reply and strides to the kitchen, glancing over to you to see if you’re following him before he stops and sits straight next to his empty bowl. you reach for the fridge to take out the fish for him and put it in the sink to let it thaw. 

kuroo jumps on the counter to scrutinize his food before looking up at you again, tail wagging in annoyance with wide brown irises surrounding his narrow pupils.

“that’s for misbehaving. i’m revoking our ‘truce’.” you sneer conceitedly with intent to show who actually holds the power around the house and him. 

kuroo only growls lowly, his ears pushed back in irritation but you only laugh. 

“that’s right. i can. i’m your master.” you say, before emitting a long, audible breath when you realize something. “but then again, i’m the one who has to work my ass off to feed you.”

kuroo only observes you in silence and curiosity– he thinks you look sad as you’re suddenly lost in your thoughts but you smile at him again and boop his little wet nose, making his heart flutter because it reminds him of the generous kisses you used to give him. if he knew it was going to turn out like this, he would’ve never struggled to escape when you cradled him into your arms. 

“but it’s okay. it’s all because i love your annoying ass.” you mindlessly mumble, almost forgetting the fact that kuroo is able to comprehend your language very well, and embarrassment washes over you once your mind becomes fully aware of it. even when he doesn’t speak, his pupils dilate in astonishment and he is utterly pleased. 

“i- uh, i mean– i have to give you credit where it’s due!” you say a little too loudly out of awkwardness, looking around anywhere except his gaze– you can already picture his stupid, smug grin in your head and you just wish for the ground to swallow you whole right now.

“anyways! i have to run to the grocery later after i feed you.” you quickly change the topic and run towards the bathroom to take a shower (or hide), leaving poor kuroo baffled on the counter. 

this time, he thinks that maybe he doesn’t mind having tuna. 

kuroo lounges on the couch alone, watching the clock on the wall ticks by as he waits for you to come home. he’s getting anxious– you’ve been out for a while now and it doesn’t help the fact that he couldn’t read the time no matter how hard he stares at the numbers. but that one thin line seems to move fast and it already made multiple cycles. so that surely means something, right? 

his ears perk up at the sound of your footsteps and jingling keys and his gaze quickly shifts to the main door but he decides to act cool, turning on the tv (he knows that one since he has seen you do it plenty of times) and pretends to watch whatever is playing. 

“kuroo, look what i found!” you chirp happily as you open the door, but his sharp nose has already figured and it’s something he’d definitely won’t be too pleased about. 

putting your grocery bag down on the floor, you skip into the living room and show him the calico cat you’ve found on your way back home. you hold the cat by his armpits, shoving the poor thing in front of his face.

his eye twitches at the sight and his tail fluffs up in annoyance, “hah?!”

you cradle him protectively against your chest and the cat meows almost too quietly as his bright golden eyes look up at you. “don’t shout, kuroo. you’re gonna scare him.”

“w-what– you can’t–” he gets up on his seat and glares at the calico that’s practically clinging back onto you. 

“oh, yes i can.” you laugh. “no nails on the couch, kuroo.” you simply say before turning around to pick up your grocery bag to the kitchen. he’s fuming and he doesn’t even realize how hard his hands are clenching down on the couch. to make it worse, kuroo doesn’t miss the dirty look that the cat throws his way when you walk to the kitchen and boy, it makes him want to kick him out of the house immediately.

you quickly notice the intimidating vibe from the male as he observes you and your newfound friend, making you feel a little bad. “i’m just kidding, kuroo. i already asked if anyone wants to adopt it so i’m just gonna let him stay here for a while before my friend picks it up tomorrow.”

so you’re not entirely betraying him and he’s a bit relieved to hear it, but his territorial nature couldn’t stand the fact that he’s forced to go through one night with another feline in the house. kuroo could just leave the house for the night but then again, he’s the one that lives here so why should he? you may be oblivious, but kuroo can tell that there’s something malicious about him and it’s definitely not because he’s jealous.

“are you hungry, kenma?” you coo, ignoring the feeling of kuroo’s intense gaze burning holes from your back as he looks at you in disbelief after hearing the name you call him.

“k-kenma?! you already gave him a name?!” he yells and he’s so close to shredding the cushion underneath him. 

“mmhmm, i think it’s cute and it fits him.” you giggle as you watch the calico devour his food like he hasn't gotten a meal for ages. “or maybe kyanma is cuter?”

“ew.” kuroo tears his eyes away, no longer able to stand the sight of you smothering– (he can’t even bring himself to say the name) kenma despite being in his presence. first, the stupid blonde guy and now this? you’re breaking his little heart.

“don’t look at him like that.” though your eyes are glued to the screen, you can feel his piercing gaze from the other couch as you lie down with kenma sleeping and purring peacefully on your chest. it’s such an eyesore for kuroo and he just hopes you’re not going to sleep in bed with him tonight. 

kenma’s eyes flutter open to glance over the older feline and his lips twitch into a victorious smirk before snuggling back on your chest to sleep again, causing kuroo’s jaw to clench in vexation. 

but what gets on his nerves even more is when he suddenly hears the sound your lips make as you kiss kenma on the nose. 

his ears are blowing steam right now and in his head he’s already throwing stupid kenma away to sit on top of you and yell at him to stay away from what’s his and that he’s unwelcomed here. he wants to do it, but he knows that you wouldn’t like that and he fears that he’ll be the one to get kicked out from the house instead of his competitor. 

alternatively, he tries to get your attention.

“i’m hungry.” he whines as he looks at you with his innocent and pleading eyes in an attempt for you to melt into them. 

“but i’m going to wake him up if i leave.” you answer, genuinely feeling bad if you start to move away from your seat. 

“he’s not sleeping.” he quickly replies and kenma’s ears perk up when he’s aware that he’s on the topic. 

“but–”

“trust me, i know.” 

“hmm, fine.” you gently caress the cat and kenma mewls when you put him down on the couch to leave for the kitchen. kuroo watches you from his seat and turns to kenma once he’s confident that you’re distracted from preparing his food for him.

“listen here, you little shit.” he growls intimidatingly before bopping his head up to peep at you to see your back facing him, “i know what you’re up to and don’t you dare think that you’re running this place because you’ll be gone first thing in the morning.” 

“kuroo?” you call from the kitchen and he immediately stands up and pretends that nothing has happened as he skips happily to his plate. 

“feed me, pleaaase.” he shamelessly requests, but you only look at him weirdly and repulsed.

“but you already know–”

“pleaaaase?” his lips feign a pout but you roll your eyes.

“don’t be ridiculous, kuroo.” you wave your hand to disregard his plea and walk back into the living room and take kenma to sit on your lap before his head rubs on your hand to ask you to pet him.

kuroo only sighs and takes a mouthful of his meal into his mouth. 

morning has finally arrived, though later than kuroo expected. he couldn’t sleep a wink knowing that you were having kenma together with you on your bed while he had to settle for the couch again. he said it was either you bring him with you or leave kenma with him in the living room. but you couldn’t possibly leave the two together in the same room, even if you were there and asleep. kuroo was literally on his knees and begged to come inside the room with you, yet your answer was resolute. 

but it’s fine, you can say goodbye to kenma now and you’re going to be stuck with him until the end of his life. 

your friend comes with a cat carrier in hand and they just fall in love with the calico as soon as they lay their eyes on him. you’re a bit sad since you’ve grown attached to the little guy over the short time, but your friend assures you that you can stop by their place anytime if you wish to see kenma. they think that maybe you can bring kuroo along so they can play together, but you just laugh at the idea– knowing kuroo doesn’t like him and you only kept kenma close to make sure he wouldn’t be too distressed. and well, they’re not dogs either.

as soon as you close the door for your friend, kuroo wraps his big arms around you and sighs in relief. 

“that was mean of you.” he whines softly. 

“you’re being dramatic.” but kuroo holds you tighter and your cheeks start to get warm.

“no. you keep on picking up nasty scents from others. first, your ugly friend and then… then...” he nibbles his lip, as if uttering the name would cause him to vomit.

“atsumu and kenma?” you giggle, causing kuroo to grunt when he hears the names. 

“but now that i have you like this, you can’t run away nor slap me again.” he purrs, leaning his chin to rest on your shoulder. 

“i don’t get it.” you reply coyly, as if him rubbing his cheek against yours isn’t clear enough to tell you what he wants to do. 

“look at me.” he orders, and you nervously turn your head to him. although there’s a shit eating grin plastered across his face, it only makes him look even more gorgeous especially when he is only a couple of inches away. 

there’s a sparkle of mischief in his umber eyes as he stares into you, “close your eyes.”

and you do. his hot breath prickles your skin when he closes in the gap and he finally plants a soft kiss on the tip of your nose. 

your eyes flutter open once he pulls away. “is that it? is that the kiss?”

“mmhmm.” he nods his head a bit too proudly and lets you go. 

you burst out laughing when you’re reminded of a pure, curious child that knows absolutely nothing of the world. 

“then, you missed.” you chaff, turning to face the clueless male.

“w-what?” kuroo blinks in confusion and his ears and tail plop down dispiritedly. he’s pretty sure that he did it right. besides, that’s how you’ve always kissed him when he was a–

oh.

you take a step closer to him and get on your tiptoes before cupping his face to pull it closer to yours. it must be the waves of endorphins rushing in your veins or the look of his handsome yet dejected face after thinking that he has accomplished something great– but you found the urge to kiss him properly on the lips, leaving kuroo stunned and wide eyed as he relishes on the new feeling of your soft lips pressing against his before you pull away all too quickly.

“that’s how you kiss someone.” 

well, maybe you shouldn’t have taught him that because now, he’ll just might want more.

duskamethyst © 2020 • do not modify, translate or repost anywhere.

[glennmillerorchestra]

tagged by my kitchen concert friend b @frogeye-pierce to share my answers to these fun little questions! thank you b, and i have to say i wholeheartedly agree with you on the goodwill jacket section thing :') pretty long so it's under the cut!

nickname: gia! or g by some people

zodiac: aquarius baby! just like alan alda ;)

height: 5'4 but tbh i'm usually wearing shoes with at least 2 inches of a heel on them, so it's usually around 5'6!

last movie i saw: midnight lace (1960) - i watched half last night, and i'm watching the other half tonight! so far it's kind of creepy, but in a fun, fashionable way (and y'all better not cancel me for this but rex harrison is lowkey a dilf)

last thing i googled: rote sonne (1970) because i saw a set of stills from it here and wanted to add it to my watchlist

favorite musician: TOO many to count, but i am going through an intense paul mccartney phase at the moment (if you couldn't tell by literally everything i've been posting) so i'll go with macca as of now!

song stuck in my head: auntie's municipal court by the monkees (sound of the sunset, sound of the sea...)

other blogs: that's a secret only i know... but i don't think it's too hard to guess who it is if you see it!

blogs following: 104

amount of sleep: about 7-8 hours on average, but my sleep schedule is really screwy, and i'm trying to fix it!

lucky number: 7 and 24! i don't really know why, but they're the numbers that always tend to draw me in

what am i wearing: this vintage 70s red and pink housecoat that i thrifted for a dollar and shortened into a micro-mini dress! rest assured it was paired with bright red gogo boots earlier today

dream job: mm. having a bit of a crisis with that right now, but i would say something where i can be free and work how i would want to! i think something along the lines of maybe screenwriter or director, and if i really want to get bold, i'd say throwing act*r into the mix would be fun too

dream trip: i'd love to visit a lot of different countries in my lifetime but recently i've had this insatiable urge to bundle all my friends into one van and just camp around the states for a while, spending time out in the wild and seeing all the beautiful places i haven't seen yet! just a really extended camping trip with close pals for weeks and weeks!

favorite food: there are SO many good ones, but i've really been digging kimchi sundubu jjigae lately. i'm also partial to a good falafel plate, and a really good dish of pasta marinara :)

play an instrument: guitar, piano and flute! i'm not really a master at any of them, but i'm having fun just moving along, and i think that's really all that matters, right? i have goals to pick up the bass and the drums at some point in my life as well, and i've also always wanted to learn the cello!

languages: primarily english, but i have taken/am currently taking a german course, so i'm trying to incorporate more german into my daily life! i'd like to become mostly fluent/at least competent in the language by the end of next year! klingt gut, ja?

favorite songs: hmm. at the moment i would say the run of the mill demo by george harrison (hi hazel), calico skies and the silly love songs demo by paul mccartney, and people's parties by joni mitchell!

random fact: um! i like to read cookbooks as actual reading material while i'm relaxing, and that led me to start a collection of vintage cookbooks with godawful recipes in them that are just WILDLY entertaining to read :) treasured 50s gelatin mold cookbook my beloved

describe yourself as aesthetic things: record player crackles, patterned thrift store chairs, battered old cowboy boots, 70s burnt orange and avocado green, the strumming of an acoustic guitar, white doves with olive branches, crescent moon poking out through shadowed trees, leather bound journals, cable knit cardigans with big wooden buttons and a gold necklace that reads "goodluck" in cursive

i'll tag @runofthemilldemo / @plaid-nightmares and @horaetio if y'all haven't done this yet and want to!

[drazzilder]

A Hellish Encounter

By Drazzilder

Chapter 31: Café

The harsh grip of Jack Frost has hit Japan hard this January. The average temperature for the past two weeks has been 0F. Everyone is Japan is bundled up or staying inside to avoid the dangerously low temperature. Even crime has been low because of the bitter cold which is fine because you still have hero work. You may be half demon but the cold still gets to you but you have a secret weapon; a husband who happens to be a walking heater.

You and Enji both have the day off today and you decide to surprise him by taking him to a café to get some coffee and hot chocolate. Even though you thought you bundled up enough, you still end up shivering when your only about half of the way there. Enji notices this and wraps an arm around you and warms you up as he turns on his flame beard.

“Thank you, Enji. I thought I bundled up enough.”

“It’s fine. I don’t want to you to get a cold. What café are we going to anyway?”

“That’s a surprise!”

“I hope it’s better than that one surprise.”

“I accidentally take us to a child’s theme park once and I never hear the end of it.”

He squeezes you closer. “You know I’m joking, it’s just a café.”

“Just you wait and see.” You say, almost singing the words.

Once you arrive, Enji finally sees the surprise. It’s a cat café. The whole place looks like a cartoon forest with trees and bushes. The floor is painted to look like leaves and grass and there are platforms everywhere for cats. On this day, it seems that there are about 20 cats in the café. Enji looks at you with confusion after you sit down.

“Have you never been to a cat café?”

“No, what is this?”

“It’s a café full of cats, exactly what it sounds like it. It’s for people who can’t have pets to go and enjoy the cats.”

“Isn’t it unsanitary to have cats all over everything?”

“Maybe but I don’t care.”

“As long as your happy…”

Right after Enji said that and sat down, a white cat jumps up on his lap almost immediately. He pulls his hands away, almost looking afraid and unsure of what to do next.

“You can pet her, that’s what you’re supposed to do.”

He places his hand on the cat and gently begins to stroke the cat from head to tail.

“See, not so bad is it.”

“I guess. I never pet a cat before.”

“Really?”

“Never had one as a kid. And I was never interested in getting a pet for the kids. When did you ever play with cats?”

“I used to play with the stray cats I would find when I was on the run. Some were fun others didn’t want to be bothered.”

A waiter comes over and takes your order and a few more cats come to your table. You managed to get one them to come to you as the others head for Enji. You just pet the little calico cat that came to you and let it play with your tail and you flick the tip to give it something to chase. Enji looks confused as he tries to give all the cats attention. One of them tries to reach up to his face and he just backs up a bit.

“It seems like you a popular guy.” You say with a silly smile.

“(Y/N), why are they all coming to me?”

“Cats like warmth, it’s probably because your quirk makes you hot.”

“That makes sense. How do I stop them?”

“Turn it off completely and you should be fine. I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back.”

As you leave, Enji gives you a look that just says ‘Help!’ but you just go take care of your business. Once you return, the sight you come back makes you break out into laughter right there. Enji has cats all over him, probably about a dozen. Cats on his shoulders, cats in his lap, one even managed to get on his head. The other cats are around his feet and some are trying to climb the chair to get to him. Enji is frozen completely still, unsure of what to do. You walk over to him and take out your phone. You can’t help yourself and take a few photos of the number 2 hero covered in cats.

“(Y/N), what are you doing!” He says looking at you without moving his head.

“I’m sending this to the family group chat, they wouldn’t believe me if I told them.”

“Get them off me.” He pleads.

“I told you to turn your quirk off and it would be fine.”

“I’m trying…”

“Alright ladies and gents, let’s get off the hero sized cat scratcher.” You say taking cats one by one off Enji. He finally is able to move freely and takes off his glasses to cover his eyes and sigh slightly. He quickly then takes a napkin and sneezes loud enough that the room almost shakes. The napkin catches fire but Enji quickly puts it out. “Sorry.” He says as he wipes his nose and looks back at you after putting his glasses on.

“Sorry, Enji. I didn’t know they would be all over you like that. I was right that it would be fun but I guess it was at your expense.”

Right as Enji is about to speak, his phone dings and he sees the messages from the kids. They range from ‘LOL’ to emojis and GIFs. He just squints in anger at his phone and puts it away.

“At least I now know what the kids will be talking about tonight.”

“Sorry….” You say really meaning it.

“It’s fine. At least they can laugh at me. It wasn’t too long ago they were afraid of me.”

“I’m glad they can do that too. I’m happy that they be open with you.”

The food and drinks arrive and you savor the warmth from your hot chocolate. Enji takes a few sips of his coffee but then looks at the food.

“What is this?”

“It’s a cream puff, isn’t it just adorable?”

“Why does it look like a cat?”

“Just eat it and enjoy it.” You say with a smile as take a bite.

He picks up the feline shaped confection with two fingers and looks at it as he turns it to look at all its sides. He takes a bite and grows a faint smile from the flavor of the sweet pastry. Some powdered sugar sticks to his lips but he quickly takes a napkin to his face.

“Told you it would be good.”

“It really is.”

“I knew you would enjoy this place. It may be cute but they do know how to make good hot chocolate.” You say sipping from the cup again.

“You somehow always find the weirdest places but they end up being good in the end, well except the one.”

“Seriously? We already talked about that kids park once!” You say with a loud sigh.

As time passes, Enji relaxes more and starts enjoying the café. Some more cats do approach him but they must have learned their lesson because they don’t bother him like last time. Soon, it’s time to leave and you both go back into the cold. Enji starts off by holding you close so you don’t get cold this time. You still wanted to walk home, just enjoying the time you spend with Enji. After some time, you look up at him and he looks down at you with a look that you know all too well.

“What’s on your mind, big guy?”

“I want to ask you something, please don’t laugh.”

“Never, what it is?”

“Can���can you make those pastries we had sometimes. I really enjoyed them.”

“I never made cream puffs before but that has never stopped me before. Why the hesitation on asking me?”

“I…I want them to look the same too.” He says almost shamefully.

“Aww, that’s so cute that you want that. Sure, I’ll look up how to make them just like that.” You giggle.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh.” He quickly responds with an angered tone.

“You’re right, sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just think it’s cute that’s all. My big strong husband wanting cat shaped pastries.” You say squeezing his side.

“Can you just not tell the kids. I feel like I’m already going to get my ass kicked at home from that photo you sent.”

“I’ll only make them on special occasions, when we are alone. How does that sound?”

“It sounds perfect. Thank you.”

You tilt your head onto Enji’s shoulder and close your eyes as you bask in his warm. Enji leads you both home as you anticipate the kids’ reactions and laughter when you get home.

Next Chapter

[prehistoricalcats]

Rexy's Cats OCs Part 5: "The Rats"

Macavity's henchman, specifically the squad of Rat-mask wearing elites that directly assist Mac "on the job" and also function as guards in the hideout and enforcers within the gang.

The "rats" are feared and respected among the other members of Mac's gang, and the fear is reinforced by the fact that they never remove their masks in public or even around each other.

These masks are sort of like helmets that extend down around the eyes and over the upper jaw to cover the snout, but leave the lower jaw free to move, so it doesn't obstruct their ability to speak or eat while wearing it.

Each "rat" has been hand selected by Mac himself and are masked before being introduced to the rest of the gang. No one knows what their faces look like, not even the other rats.

These Cats, like most of Mac's gang, don't get taken to the "Isle of Storms" when the narrative shifts there, and so they essentially disappear from the narrative at that point.

There's not MUCH to them, as they're a mostly mysterious force, but I'll share what I have. Bare in mind these are just a few of the most notable listed here, not the whole squad.

(Btw, Sullivan, the chief "rat," won't be discussed here. This section is for the other rats)

Tarfalion

(tar-FAL-lee-on) A silly but reliable thug, experienced enough to earn him a high-ish ranking in the rats and a decent amount of professional trust from Mac and Sully.

Goofy and fun-loving

Serious Tarfalion means serious business

Bold

Playfully makes fun of Sully if the mood is right, and even makes a jab or two at Mac if he thinks he can get away with it

He usually does

Very good at reading people

Rarely gets the "will Mac lose his temper at me for this" thing wrong, but when we does he takes his swats and moves on

Doesn't bear grudges

Actually surprisingly good at leading a small group

Got into crime because it seems like fun

Will break into somewhere just for the lulz

One of the few rats to still use his Particular Name

Undisclosed sexuality/romantic orientation, but has been known to whistle at a pretty mot occasionally, and not shy about vocally admiring a tom with a fine arse. Whether or not any of this is genuine, or if it's an act or a joke, is something he's keeping to himself

About Mungo or Tugger's age or thereabouts, young, but adult

Tall and athletic

Mostly ginger, some white marks, hard to tell under the mask

Eyes look like probably green

Nickname: Tarf or Fallie

"Snap"

(you know how to pronounce this...) A young lockpick and sneak thief who got xir name from the way xe snaps xir fingers and slaps xir ribs and thighs, using xir own body as a sort of percussion instrument, when xe's bored or excited.

Hyperactive and restless

Can never fucking stand still

Will randomly break into a dance of slaps and snaps when idle

Must move when the urge hits xem

Will settle for light, soundless tapping of xir thumb against various fingers and some mild swaying while on the job to satisfy xir restlessness while maintaining silence

Can channel some of that immense energy into intense focus

Like laser focus

Don't fuck with Snap when xe's focused

A still Snap is a dangerous Snap

Cheery and playful off the job

Great sense of humor

Will also make fun of Sully if Tarf is getting away with it, but doesn't dare with Mac

Gets on great with Tarf, wherever they are that's not the Isle of Storms, they're probably together

Gynephillic/Aro

Non-binary, xe/xir (tentative, considering various pronouns)

About Tarf's age, maybe a bit younger

Short and slight

Smooth, very short fur

Diluted calico, white with grey and cream-orange markings

Odd-eyed, one seems blue and the other amber

Nickname: Snap already is a nickname, but sometimes people call xir Snappy.

Roombastank aka "Hoover"

(ROOM-ba-stank) (WHO-ver) A big somber old veteran bruiser that eats very fast. He got his gang name from his tendency to make meals vanish as though his mouth was a vacuum, and as an allusion to the "roomba" part of his Particular Name, which he used to use, but there are few current gang members that have been around long enough to remember it.

Dour and serious

Bordering on gloomy

Never smiles

Doesn't talk much

Has been around the longest except for Sully

Knows a lot, shares little

Will absolutely ignore your questions unless you're Mac, Sully, or another rat, and even then will be brief and terse with his answers

Mostly doesn't give a shit about whatever game or outing his teammates have going on but will follow along with their shenanigans anyway

Kind of this dark, silent presence looming at the back of a crowd of punks and ruffians

Ace/Aro

About Skimble's age

Big boi, like we're talking 6 foot 12 and thick

Thick shouldered, thick waisted, just plain thicc.

Dense, medium-length fur

Dark charcoal grey with coal black tabby markings

Yellow eyes, like bright unmistakable yellow even through the mask

Has a very large mouth, and large teeth to go with it, and because the mask is designed to keep the lower jaw mostly free, he can use his big mouth as an effective tool for intimidation

It's scary just watching him yawn you guys

Nickname: Hoover. That's the whole nickname.

Lola

(LOH-la) A mature, charismatic mot who functions as the gang's negotiator of sorts. Her name used to be Lalo and that would still be what it said on her license but her license also still says "male" so she doesn't carry it. She changed it to Lola when she came out.

Charming and outgoing

Can always find something to compliment you on

Tougher than she lets on

Equally skilled with intimidation/threats and charm/smooth-talk

Usually prefers charm

Actually really genuinely sweet with the people she cares about

Will shush and handwave your temper tantrum and offer you a baked good and a listening ear to help you feel better

One of the few folks that have been around long enough to remember Hoover's real name

Lesbian

Around Mac's age

Tall and strong

Fluffy, silky fur

Mostly cream with some black and russet leopard spots

Dark eyes, probably brown, it's hard to tell

Nickname: "Lo" sometimes in casual conversation, but Lola's so easy to say people usually just stick with that.

Some Notes:

A massive amount of inspiration for Snap was drawn from my own experience coping with ADHD. The focus thing is a big ADHD checkmark, at least for the attention side of it. The snapping, slapping thing is an exaggeration of a behavior I've been known to do occasionally, though much less frequently then Snap. My ADHD is less geared toward the hyperactive end and more toward the attention side, but I do experience restlessness and do tend to do things like that to cope with it.

Lola's my newest and least well developed character in the "Mac's gang" plotline so I really don't have much on her yet, and what I do have is bound to shift and change as her personality solidifies in my brain. I'll try to update this bio as she becomes more developed

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

[daydream-hobii]

Shelter of Hope | Chapter 24

Genre: Poly!AU; Hybrid!AU; Fluff; Angst

Pairing: Hybrid BTS x Female!Reader; Human!Reader, Human!Namjoon, White Persian Cat!Seokjin, Siamese Cat!Yoongi, Border Collie!Hoseok, Calico Cat!Jimin, Australian Shepherd!Taehyung, Siberian Husky!Jungkook

Summary: Y/N and her husband Namjoon are the proud owners of a hybrid shelter, protecting and saving as many hybrids as they can. They have a couple of their own, a cat and dog hybrid, whom they love with all their hearts. In the shelter, they gain some hybrids with trauma filled pasts, and one particular one who no one seems to want. What will happen when their little family of four turns to eight?

Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Sexual Assault, Depression, Anxiety; Suggestions of Smut; Read with caution <3 Mentions of Smut!

Word Count: 1,384

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 13.5: BONUS // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19 // Chapter 20 // Chapter 21 // Chapter 22 // Chapter 23 // Chapter 25 [FINAL] //

Author’s Note: Welcome to Chapter 24! Please let me know what you think of this chapter, I love getting feedback! I hope you enjoyed it!!! ^_^ 

           “I’m sorry?” I asked, wide eyed with surprise. I shouldn’t be surprised, I knew they loved them like we did, but this was just so abrupt.

           “We like them a lot,” Taehyung mumbled, a light blush reaching his cheeks as he shuffled his feet.

           “Like we like you,” Hoseok said, a little more confidently, but still with a similar blush to Taehyungs.

           “We know that everyone in a relationship like ours has to agree,” Yoongi said, biting his lip, his cute fang peeking out.

           “We agree strongly,” Jungkook said fast, eyes wide with innocence and tail wagging in excitement. Jimin had his tail wrapped around himself, his hands wrapped around it nervously, while Jin looked a little more confident than both of them, if not the most confident than all of them.

           “We love you guys,” Jin explained, giving a small smile. “We want to show you our love… like the others do.”

           “So you love every single on of us?” Namjoon asked, jumping into the conversation. “Y/N, Yoongi, Hobi, Tae, and myself?”

           “All of you,” Jimin said, nodding fast, ears flat. “It’s the truth.”

           “We believe you, baby,” I said, causing a blush to form on Jimin’s cheeks while Jungkook whined enviously. “When did you realize this?”

           “Mine was when you saved us from our previous owner,” Jimin said, looking down. “You protected Jungkook and I.”

           “I realized my love for Namjoon first, when he always checked up on us and offered us a room here…” Jungkook mumbled, shyly.

           “I loved you both from the minute I saw you,” Jin said, making the other two scoff.

           “Show off,” Jungkook mumbled, making me laugh.

           “And you three love each other as well?” Namjoon asked, digging deeper.

           “You already know Jimin and I were… dating. Jin kind of… joined us?” Jungkook said, scratching the back of his neck.

           “Wow, we really don’t know what happens while we’re gone,” I said, looking at Namjoon who shook his head, smiling.

           “You realize why we’re asking all these questions, right?” Namjoon asked, making them shake their head no.

           “Because this is a big commitment,” I cut in, looking between them all. “Eight people in one relationship. That means no jealousy, can you guys do that?”

           “There’s no such thing if theirs eight of us,” Jin said with a smile.

           “No voting anyone out, you can’t just stop loving someone and not want them in the relationship anymore,” Namjoon warned, eyeing them. “This is a very big commitment.”

           “I’m willing to commit,” Jin said, making all the others nod.

           “Alright,” I said, smiling softly. “We’ll give it a shot.”

           They all cheered, Yoongi, Taehyung, and Hoseok running over and pecking our lips before running up the stairs. Jungkook, Jimin, and Jin came and pecked our cheeks, still a bit shy as they followed the others, no doubt to flaunt their victory.

           “What dorks,” I said, leaning back, Namjoon’s arm going around my shoulders as he leaned back with me.

           “So, Mrs. Kim, what now?” Namjoon asked, genuinely curious.

           “I don’t know…” I replied, sighing. “We have our savings, so we don’t need to get a job too fast…. We can take time to cope with our now six hybrid boyfriends.”

           “Gosh, what have we gotten into,” Namjoon asked, making me chuckle.

           “We won’t know until we try,” I whispered, looking up and pecking under his jaw.

           “Are you okay?” He asked, looking at me with sad eyes.

           “I don’t think so,” I replied, letting out a deep sigh that only made my heart hurt more. “I feel awful…. I already miss the shelter….”

           “I know, Yeobo,” He whispered, kissing the side of my head.

           “I’m not going to be okay for a while,” I said, fresh tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m still processing everything that happened….”

           “I’m sorry,” He said, laying his forehead on top of my head.

           “Stop saying that,” I replied. “I don’t blame you for anything…. Promise.”

           “I know, but I’m still sorry,” He mumbled into my hair.

           “I’m going to go take a nap I think…. I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically….” I whispered, standing up and kissing his lips. “I love you, Joonie….”

           “I love you too, Yeobo,” He whispered, smiling at me.

           I walked upstairs to the master bedroom. I heard the boys all chatting in a couple rooms, letting me know they were spread out. I walked in, shutting the door quietly as to not let the boys know I was here. I couldn’t help wanting to be alone for a while….

           I changed into my pajamas, crawling into the large bed that seemed to swallow my body up. I let a few tears roll down my cheeks as I laid in the middle, curling up and holding the covers tight to my body. I closed my eyes, my brain becoming numb as darkness consumed me.

           When I woke up, I had two bodies attached to each side of me. In front of me, my head was laying on the chest of Jin, who was in a tank top and pajama pants, tail wrapped around me, ears flat. I carefully turned my head to see Hoseok, whose arm was tight around my body, hand resting on the curve of Jin. I sighed, closing my eyes again and taking in the moment. I knew I wouldn’t wake up alone, and it was nice to have such company.

           “Morning, Jagiya,” Hoseok grumbled, voice deep from sleep. I felt him lick just behind my ear lovingly.

           “It’s not morning, silly,” I replied, chuckling softly.

           “Close enough,” Jin grumbled, yawning. “The time says nine pm.”

           “Oh, damnit,” I replied, fully waking up and laying on my back, making Hoseok growl softy as it forced him to move. “I’ll never sleep tonight.”

           “That’s the plan,” Yoongi said from the door, smiling.

           “And what do you mean by that?” I asked, leaning up with my elbows and raising an eyebrow, making him roll his eyes.

           “Not like that, perv,” Yoongi grumbled, crossing his arms.

           “To be fair, we can keep you up that way, if you want,” Hoseok grumbled, nipping my ear, making me chuckle.

           “Come on, we’ve been working hard,” Yoongi said, moving his head to the side, motioning us to follow. I groaned, pushing Hoseok away as he chuckled, standing up. He was shirtless with some pajama pants. Jin followed us, giving a small growl in frustration.

           The three of us walked downstairs, with a little difficulty as all the lights were off. I smelled some smoke, and Yoongi was waiting in the kitchen, by the back door. I walked out, gasping at the sight. The boys were all sat around a huge bonfire, a table with snacks set to the side. They all had blankets and huge smiles, proud of their accomplishment.

           “Come on,” Yoongi said, grabbing my hand and walking me over to sit between him and Jungkook, and cuddled in close to me.

           “What is all this?” I asked, looking at Namjoon, who was sitting next to Taehyung. Jin went over and joined him, leaving Jimin and Hoseok to cuddle on the last large chair.

           “We figured it’d be a good idea to just have some quality family,” Namjoon said, giving a small smile.

           “The bonfire was Jimin’s idea!” Taehyung exclaimed, excited.

           “Good thinking, Jiminie,” I said, smiling as he blushed.

           “We just thought you needed some love after today,” Jungkook said, curling into me and licking my neck.

           “Is it working?” Yoongi asked, wrapping an arm around me and purring softly.

           “Of course it is…” I replied, pecking his lips before turning and doing the same to Jungkook, who went wide eyed and let out a little squeak.

           “Cute,” Hoseok said, chuckling.

           “Guys, you know I love you all so much…” I said, smiling softly. “The shelter was my home, that’s no lie… but it’s where I met all of you.” I said, gesturing to the four boys.

           “And boy is that a blessing,” Namjoon said, smiling big.

           “I’m going to miss it like crazy… seriously… but my home is wherever you guys are,” I said, nodding.

           “We love you too, Y/N,” Taehyung said, flashing a boxy smile.

           “I wonder where we’re gonna end up…” Jin said, looking up at the sky.

           “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

[goodlucktai]

in the interest of full disclosure

@natsumeweek 2018 day 5; yokai & humans

read on ao3

Takashi brings home a cat.

It’s a fat, ugly thing, too big for Takashi’s thin arms, but it seems to be an agreeable creature. It hangs in Takashi’s grip like a toy, blinking lazily at the house and ignoring its inhabitants entirely.

“What a silly-looking cat!” Touko says, crouching in front of him. “Where on earth did you find it?”

“I was playing in the woods with Satoru and Atsushi and we accidentally woke him up,” the boy explains, hefting the heavy cat a little higher. “He’s a special cat. He can turn really big, and he can fly.”

Shigeru and Touko trade knowing looks. There’s a doe-eyed look of longing on Takashi’s face, the same hopeful expression he gets when something in a storefront window catches his eye, or when Shigeru comes home from work a little earlier than usual. He can’t always bring himself to outright ask for things -- they’ve not quite made it that far, not yet -- but it’s never hard to guess.

“That does sound special. Do you think he might like to live here with us?” Touko asks, and Takashi brightens like a little sun.

“Can he? Thank you!”

Smiling, Touko reaches over to card the long hair out of Takashi’s face, and scratches the cat behind the ears while she’s at it. “What’s his name?”

“He lets me call him Nyanko-sensei.”

Shigeru chuckles before he can help himself. “A noble name for a noble creature.”

Takashi beams, but the cat gives him a narrow-eyed stare.

The cat becomes Takashi’s constant companion. It follows him to school, and dozes under his chair at mealtimes, and seems to recognize his friends. It allows Tooru to coo and cuddle it with an air of dignity better suited royalty than a fat housecat, and sits heavily on Satoru when it seems like he’s about to get himself into trouble.

“It’s a very smart cat,” Touko says one evening, while Shigeru helps her clean dinner dishes, and Takashi and Tooru work on their homework in the next room. “I was boiling water, and went to answer the phone when it rang, and must have been distracted for much longer than I thought -- Nyankichi came to warn me that the pot was overflowing!”

“It probably didn’t like the sound of the water hissing on the burner,” he says, and is treated to his wife’s pouting face.

“Don’t make me look silly! One of these days, Nyankichi is going to break down and talk, and then you’ll be the one I get to tease.”

Shigeru laughs lightly, amused, and says, “When that day comes, I’ll deserve it.”

Touko shoos him out of the kitchen with a cup of tea to drink with his newspaper, and he steps into the sitting room in time to hear Tooru say, “We have to take him to meet ojiichan. Ojiichan is feeling a lot better lately, and he’d love to meet Nyanko-sensei. Can we?”

“Sure we can,” Takashi says, happy to agree when it makes his friend light up with a smile. He’s going to be a kind person, Shigeru thinks fondly at times like these. “I like your grandpa, and Nyanko-sensei does, too. He just likes to be grumpy and pretend he doesn’t like anybody.”

“Oh, thank you, Takashi! I can’t wait! Maybe you two can come over on Sunday. I’ll ask mama when I go home tonight.”

The cat huffs, its ears canting to either side of its head, the way a person might look when their shoulders slump in defeat. But it doesn’t squirm or scratch when Tooru squeezes her arms around it or kisses its head, even if it glares enviously at Shigeru.

Touko must be rubbing off on him. A cat glares because it’s a cat, not because it looks at a person with the freedom to sit down unbothered and thinks things like ‘I wish that were me.’

The autumn equinox falls on a Saturday, and with two full days off from school, Shigeru and Touko make plans for Takashi to visit Kaname, where he and his father are living in Yatsushiro.

Takashi is practically vibrating with excitement, twisting around in his seat to look out the window every few minutes, pointing out interesting things as they go by.

He promised Tooru he’d come back with lots of pictures, and the disposable camera in his hands is nearly full already, before they’ve even made it off the train. Touko promises to pick up another at the train station, her face full and bright at Takashi’s obvious joy.

Shigeru paid the extra fare for the boy’s cat to come along, of course, but Nyangoro doesn’t seem nearly as impressed by the train ride. It keeps one green eye on its charge and ignores the rest of them entirely.

They arrive late into the evening on Friday, and Kaito and Kaname are waiting for them at the station. Takashi gives a little shout when he sees his friend and runs the last few steps to meet him, the two of them colliding in an enthusiastic hug.

“Hi, Kaname, Tanuma-ojisan! Thanks for letting me come visit!”

“I missed you,” Kaname says, muffled into Takashi’s shoulder but sincere. He blinks when he notices Nyangoro in the bag hanging on Takashi’s back. “Um?”

“Oh, this is Nyanko-sensei,” Takashi says, drawing back enough to look at his friend more easily. He offers a hand instead, and Kaname takes it with a shy smile. “He’s a monster, sort of. He’s grumpy, but he’s nice. Maybe he’ll take you flying while I’m here!”

As if it recognizes Kaname from all the stories Takashi has told about him, the cat warms to the boy right away. It lets Kaname hold it with a patience usually reserved for Tooru, bright eyes alert and watchful.

By the time they leave for home on Sunday, Kaname talks to Takashi’s cat the same way all of his close friends do, like it’s a person who understands their hellos and goodbyes. Takashi gets a lingering hug from Kaname, and a new omamori from Kaito, and only cries a little bit on the way home.

“You’ll see him again,” Touko soothes, carding a hand through his hair. “He’s too far away for you to see every day, but he isn’t gone.”

Takashi nods, head tipped over onto Shigeru’s shoulder, fingers buried in Nyangoro’s soft fur. Between the three of them, he’s smiling again before they’re even halfway home.

“I wonder what’s wrong with Nyankichi,” Touko says one day, holding Takashi’s hand as they walk home from a restaurant. “He’s been a little tense since you got home from school.”

“Oh,” Takashi says, “it’s because I lost my charm. At school, I think.”

Shigeru blinks at him in some surprise, taken aback by how unbothered he is. Could this be the same boy who refused to leave the house without his omamori? Touko, likewise, doesn’t seem to know what to say to that.

“It’s okay though,” Takashi says, reassuring. “Nyanko-sensei won’t let the monsters get us.”

As if to prove him wrong, a wind roars down the street they’re on -- Shigeru staggers at the force of it, and Touko cries out in surprise, but Takashi is yanked away completely, torn clear out of Touko’s hand.

He lands in a little heap a few feet away -- and the street is empty, thank god -- but he’s struggling now with something Shigeru can’t see. The wind is still -- present, like a hovering creature instead of an act of nature. It snatches at Takashi’s bright blue jacket and tears through his hair, almost lifting him off the ground. When Shigeru hurries forward, it bites at him, too, trying to force him away.

And then, Shigeru feels a weight land on his back like a blow, as Takashi’s ugly cat jumps from the ground to perch on his shoulder. Its forehead lights up, a symbol shining for just a moment before its swallowed up in a white light too powerful for Shigeru to look through.

When the light is gone, the wind is gone with it, blown off to some other corner of the world. Touko is already lifting Takashi into her arms, shaken to tears as she looks him over.

Shigeru is shaken, too. He puts one hand on Touko’s shoulders, the other on Takashi’s, and holds them while he tries to wrap his mind around the last few moments.

Suddenly, a gruff, unfamiliar voice speaks up. “You take that thing off for a couple hours and this is what happens. You’re a magnet for trouble, aren’t you, Natsume?”

Touko blinks wetly, looking up at Shigeru, and then around at the empty street. Shigeru startles when a weight settles against his knee, and looks down at --

“Nyanko-sensei,” Takashi says, reaching for the fat calico with an air of relief. “Thank you. That one was pretty stubborn.”

Touko is covering her mouth with both hands, shocked into stillness. Nyangoro eyes her, and then Shigeru, and finally turns back to Takashi with an air of contempt.

“You said you told them, brat.”

“I did tell them! They’re probably just surprised. They’ve never heard a cat talk before, you know. You wouldn’t talk to them until now because Shigeru-san made fun of your name.”

Touko’s shoulders start shaking while the boy and the cat are immersed in their conversation. Shigeru risks a look at her, and is surprised to find her laughing quietly. She rubs away the tear tracks on her face, and looks around at her little family with so much love it should be impossible to carry and hold.

“He did tell us,” she says, still laughing. “He told us from the very start, didn’t he? And he’s -- he’s okay. And whatever that creature was is gone. And Nyankichi is a very smart cat.”

Shigeru feels himself relaxing, too. Warmed by the relief and love in Touko’s face, and by Takashi, tousled and whole in their arms. He holds them close and says, “You were right. Just wait to tease me until after I’ve had a drink, please.”

“We’ll see,” she says magnanimously, and kisses Shigeru on the cheek, and Takashi on the forehead, and Nyangoro right on the nose. “Let’s go home.”

It's the cat's turn to looked shocked, but after saving their son it will have to do a lot more than simply talk for them to turn it away now.

[darley1101]

A Bit Of Normal

A/N Some fluffy goodness featuring Damien and Ava for @confessionsofabrokegirl. “I care about you, I've always cared about you” and “Time flies when you're with someone you love.” They fit in nicely within the realm of my Perfect Match series, so that is where it is set. I hope you guys enjoy! If you would like to read more Ava and Damien you can do so by clicking HERE

Warning: cute bit of fluffiness with a side of angst

Tagging: @clarissafics  @confessionsofabrokegirl

Permatag: @debramcg1106  @boneandfur @speedyoperarascalparty @flynnomalleys  @blackcatkita @mfackenthal @hamulau @endlessly-searching-for-you @umccall71 @damienazariostan @penguininapinktuxedo @eileendannie @writtenbycandy @josieschoices @tmarie82 @drakelover78 @starstruckpixelberryhistoryvoid @kingliamthirst

A Bit of Normal

Drawing her legs to her chest, Ava wrapped her arms around her calves and tucked her chin into the little valley between her knees. Through lowered lashes, she stared out at the vast expanse of woods that butted up against the back of Damien's property. With the full moon casting shadows and a slight breeze causing the trees to sway in some hypnotic dance, it reminded Ava of a scene out of a horror movie. She half way expected a monster truck sized werewolf to come galloping out to howl at the moon; or worse, Cecile and her gang of Eros thugs. Thinking about Cecile and Eros made Ava think about Alana. It hadn't come as much of a surprise that Damien's ex was connected with the corrupt research corporation. From the very start, there had been something shady about her presence in Damien's house. Hayden taking a nose dive into the hardwood floor right before they could put some distance between themselves and the scheming bitch had really put a kink in things. They couldn't travel with a comatose android and they couldn't leave him behind. Alana had seized the opportunity to drag Damien into the office, literally slamming the door in Ava's face when she tried to follow. There had been raised voices, talk of some guy named Nikos, and then their voices had dropped so low it had been pointless to try to eavesdrop further.

Letting out a sigh, Ava let one of her legs drop so that her toes barely touched the dew covered grass. Her body tensed as a bush rattled to the right of her. She let out a nervous laugh as calico cat darted out and sped across the back yard, disappearing into the woods. There was no point in telling herself to stop being so paranoid, it would be an impossible feat at the moment. Between expecting Eros to pop out of the shadows at any moment and waiting for Alana to take them all hostage, Ava was the poster child of a paranoid wreck.

“This seat taken?”

Slowly shifting her gaze from the woods to the man standing next to her, Ava tried to smile but ended up grimacing instead. “I'm surprised the treacherous bitch let you loose.”

Without waiting for an invitation Damien sat next to her, reaching for her hand. Semi-reluctantly, she let him twine his fingers through hers. She wanted to ask him why he had let Alana slam the door in her face, why their conversation had to be secret when it was all of their lives hanging in the balance. “You're pissed.”

“Not really,” she admitted, ducking her head down so that she could study her chipped toe nail polish. Her eyes brimmed with tears. Getting so emotional over something as trivial as chipped polish seemed so silly. It wasn't the polish so much as she missed the certainty of her life in New York. Now, nothing was certain;  other than Eros was hunting them and they couldn't trust Alana...except they probably had no choice now that Hayden was, for all intents and purposes, in some sort of software malfunction coma. “Just tired, I guess. I'm really tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. And yeah, okay, maybe I am a little pissed. She slammed the door in my face, that would piss anyone off.”

“Hey,” Damien said softly. He cupped her chin between his thumb and forefinger, his gaze searching her face. “I'm sorry about Alana. She had no right to do that. The only reason I let it slide was she was willing to offer up information on a source that might be able to help us getting Hayden running again.”

Ava nodded, her fingers sliding up Damien's arm to wrap around his wrist. She dragged his hand upward so that it cupped her cheek and leaned into it. “I'm not mad at you. I promise. I'm just...ready for things to be normal.” She lift her head, her eyes meeting his. “Do you think she really has a source that can help Hayden?”

“If anyone can help Hayden, it's Nikos. Long as we don't question where the parts came from or insult his bears, we'll be fine.”

“Bears?” Ava felt both of her eye brows shoot straight up. It was a joke. It had to be. This Nikos character didn't really keep bears...did he?

“He likes to surround himself with a bunch of goons and then nickname them according to whatever bear he thinks they most resemble.”

A giggle erupted from Ava. “That's ridiculous!”

“Pretty much,” Damien chuckled, wrapping his arms around her slender waist. “So, I was thinking...we have some time to kill before we meet with Nikos...how would you feel about salty, buttery popcorn and one of those ridiculous romcoms Nadia's always going on about? We can mock its cheesiness.”

Twisting in his arms, Ava narrowed her eyes. “I like rom-coms.”

“They're all the same,” Damien teased. “There's always some poor schmuck pining away for a girl whose completely oblivious until said schmuck finally says 'I care about you, I've always cared about' and then poof the girl magically realizes she feels the same way. Of course there's hilarious one liners and the accident prone co worker for shits and giggles.”

“You realize that up until recently I was the poor schmuck pining away for the boy who was oblivious to my feelings,” Ava sniped, crossing her arms over her chest and eyes still narrowed as she waited  for Damien to respond.

“Not the same thing. I wasn't the only one oblivious to how the other felt.” Damien had her there. They had both been fools, pining away for the other when had they just spoken up they could have saved themselves a world of heartache. Perhaps even avoided this whole Eros fiasco. Or, she inwardly grimaced, maybe not, since it was Nadia who initially brought Eros into their lives. Nadia and her innate need to find true love. “So...how about it? You. Me. Popcorn. Cheesy movie.” He drew her closer, nuzzling her neck with his  nose. “Would kind of be like we're having a little bit of normal before the next shit storm.”

Normal. Just the word itself was like a soothing balm. Ava closed her eyes and snuggled against Damien's chest. “A bit of normal sounds nice. There's only one problem...this place doesn't have a television.”

“Who says we need one of those?” Damien rest his cheek atop her head, tightening his hold around her. “Close your eyes.”

“They are closed,” she murmured.

“Good. Now...picture this. There's this incredibly handsome private eye whose just sitting at his desk, enjoying this beaut of a sandwich-”

“It was a hot dog,” Ava giggled. “The private eye was eating a really messy hot dog and had mustard all over his chin and down his t shirt. Which had several holes in it. He also had on this really ugly old plaid flannel shirt. But yeah...he was kinda handsome. If you're into sexy Puerto Ricans. Which I am.”

“Good to know,” Damien chuckled. “So our sexy Puerto Rican private eye is eating a messy hot dog, covered in mustard, and minding his own business when the door to his office is flung open. Standing there is this short, overly cheerful woman with lots of hair, a squeaky voice, and an armful of weird, perverted drawings. She throws the drawings on his desk, wanting to know if he can find the weirdo whose sending them because a. she wants them to stop and b. she wants to suggest they go to art school because they're not half bad and with the right training they could be really good.”

Lifting her head, Ava opened her eyes and stared at Damien. “You're kidding. There's no way Nadia thought those freaky, cartoon-ish porno comics featuring her and that bozo Randolph were any good.”

“I wish I were. She actually said if he apologized she would write him a reference for NYU's art program.”

Ava let out a groan and buried her face in Damien's chest. “My cousin is the weirdest, nicest person I know.” She toyed with the collar of his shirt. “Of course the detective took the case. It was too good to pass up. It wasn't every day some cute girl came in wanting him to track down some amateur cartoonist with a fetish for provocative caricatures.”

“Provocative caricatures?” Damien shook his head. “That's a good one.”

“I thought so,” Ava demurred. “Now...where were we?”

“Alright looking girl walks in wanting help finding perverted cartoonist.”

Giggling, Ava shifted on the bench so that her back rest against Damien's chest. Her gaze drifted towards the stars glittering above, a sense of awe washing over her. It was hard to see the stars in New York. Between the smog and the brightly lit city-scape there wasn't much room for stars. “They're so pretty,” she whispered.

“Yeah,” Damien agreed. “Think our detective should ask his artist client to go on a star gazing date or...should her smoking hot cousin that he accidentally meets in a bar?”

A soft smile tipped the corners of her lips. “The smoking hot cousin,” she replied. “Always wait for the smoking hot cousin.”

“Hm. Good idea. Except, oh wait, the smoking hot cousin thinks the artist and the detective would be cute together so she tricks them into going on the most boring date in the history of boring dates.”

Ava bit back a groan. “Are you ever going to let me live that down? It was an honest mistake! I thought you guys were crushing on each other. Nadia kept talking you up and you kept asking us to come in to go over mundane details of her case.”

“Correction, I kept asking you to come by, you're the one who kept inviting Nadia. And Nadia was probably talking me up because I kept asking her if you were single.”

“We really were oblivious schmucks weren't we?”

“Absolutely.”

Twisting so that she could see his face, Ava reached up and cupped his cheek. She drew the pad of her thumb across his cheekbone, her eyes memorizing every feature. His impossibly long lashes, that tiny mole near his left ear, that lock of hair that always fell across his forehead no matter how much product he used. “I love you,” she whispered. “And thank you for the distraction. It's made things a little bit more bearable.”

“Time flies when you're with someone you love,” he joked before turning serious. “We're going to get through this. Before you know it, we'll be back home in New York and I promise to sit through as many of those cheesy rom coms as you want.”

“You don't know what you're promising,” Ava laughed, curling into his lap. “I have quite the collection of cheesy chick flicks.”

“I've been to your apartment,” he murmured, stroking her hair. “I've your stash. Who knew you were a fan of Jessica Simpson's acting.”

“Hey, just because she can't act her way out of a paper bag doesn't mean the movie isn't good,” Ava protested.

“That's debatable.” Damien gathered her against his chest, squeezing her. “I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. How about we finish 'watching' that detective get his girl from the comfort of bed?”

[snowycrocus]

Some People Are Worth Sneezing For/Fur- Frozen Fanfiction

Most of you probably saw this headcanon post at some point recently:

Some parts of this were too silly for me, but I loved how adorable this could be...and my results are below!

It all started out in the gardens.

A fluffy, white ball of fur ambling about through the rose bushes - Anna simply couldn’t resist.

She scooped it up immediately, squealing with glee as its little nails scrabbled to gain purchase in her arms to jump out from her imprisoning grip.

“Kristoff, look!” She exclaimed. “Look how cute! And fluffy!”

It was cute, Kristoff had to admit. He scratched under the cat’s chin- Sven liked when he did that, too.

“It’s funny,” he said, “I’ve been seeing a lot of cats and kittens around Arendelle lately. The docks, the city center, out in the woods…it must be breeding season.”

The look on Anna’s face made him regret his words- he knew what was coming from those wide blue eyes, her mouth hanging open.

“More?!” She exclaimed. “What’re we doing? Let’s go find some cats!”

“Anna,” Kristoff started, trying to make her look before she leapt, for once. “Let’s think about this. Can you keep animals in the castle? Will Elsa let you keep animals in the castle?”

“First off,” she began, “they’re cats, or pets, not animals.” Kristoff rolled his eyes. “Secondly, of course Elsa would let me keep them! She loves animals!”

“She does?”

“Well, uh, yeah! Yeah, sure she does! Why wouldn’t Elsa love animals?”

And so it began- Anna dragged Kristoff around the city of Arendelle to show her where he had been seeing all the cats and kittens recently. They’d scoop them up, one by one, and take them back to the castle, where Anna instructed some serving girls to give them some milk and meat and let them have the run of the place.

By the time they were done, they had procured ten of the furry animals and it was already well past dinner time. Exhausted from their chase throughout the day, the two settled down in Anna’s room with some of the kittens they picked up earlier and made themselves a picnic on the bed to refuel.

“So…,” Kristoff began, running his hands over one of the calico cats who purred contentedly, “when’re you going to ask Elsa about this?”

“You mean when am I going to tell Elsa,” Anna started, looking up from tickling the tummy of a small orange kitten that was probably a runt. “I’m a princess you know, I don’t have to get my older sister’s permission for everything - I have the right to make royal decisions and decrees too!” She stuck her nose up in the air to feign importance. Kristoff rolled his eyes.

“Yeah ok, we’ll see about that.”

“I’ll let her know tomorrow when I see her, whenever that may be.”

As it turned out, the sisters wouldn’t meet again until dinner the next night, which Elsa found herself looking forward to immensely after a day full of never-ending paperwork and research and tiresome meetings. Such as this one, with the Swedish diplomat.

He was overall pleasant, at least. Intelligent and honest, unlike most she met with. She actually found in herself the desire to impress him, for once. She wanted their countries to work together and she had to do her very best to make him want to trade with her people. Good impressions, and all.

Unfortunately, she was quite afraid that there wouldn’t be a good impression of her to be had, regardless of how hard she tried. And oh, how she tried!

But there was an unrelenting tickle spreading up the back of her throat and into her nose and it was merciless. She tried to clear her throat without being too obvious, and was wiggling her nose and flaring her nostrils to ward off the burning sensation that had been growing steadily for the past half hour without looking like she had facial tics. She didn’t think she was succeeding.

“Your majesty, are you alright?”

Nope- definitely not succeeding.

She swiped a hand at her nose and sniffed surreptitiously. “Yes, I’m sorry, I’m fine. Please, continue.”

As the Swede continued to list potential items to trade and for what rates he’d consider an exchange, Elsa found she could no longer focus on his words. The prickling was growing stronger, and she knew that soon enough she’d break out into a sneezing fit- and worse, a small snowstorm to boot.

She pressed a few fingers under her nose, rubbing , but the contact just seemed to make it worse. She just barely had enough time to twist her body away from the diplomat and lift her arm to sneeze into her elbow.

“HehTSHOO! Aaatshoo!” She took a few hitching breaths, eyes watering. Why here, why now?! “Hah-eh-ehTSHOO!”

She continued with two more fits, almost laughing at the fact that Anna was right after all- she did sneeze in threes, apparently. Her eyes were watering from the exertion and she couldn’t make out the diplomat’s face over her outburst.

At least she hadn’t sprayed him- but unfortunately he was covered in a light dusting of snow from her fit. Elsa’s cheeks flushed darkly as she took in the scene of the room.

“I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed, quickly waving a hand to remove all traces of snow. “I must be coming down with a cold.” She excused herself briefly to pull herself together before finishing their discussion. Throughout the remainder of the meeting, she continued to attempt to hide the endless tickling she was feeling, though ever since her sneezing she felt her irritation was only growing stronger. How could she be coming down with another cold already? Anna’s birthday was only three months ago!

After a quick stroll outside after her last meeting, Elsa was feeling much better in the cool air. Maybe it wasn’t a cold, after all, and just a passing irritation? Whatever it was, she would just enjoy her meal with Anna and Kristoff and see how she felt in the morning. It’s not like a Queen could take a sick day, anyway.

“So, Elsa, I have some exciting news!” Anna began at the dining table.

Exciting for Anna didn’t always mean exciting to Elsa, so she awaited her sister’s pronouncement with baited breath. “Alright, which is?”

“You and I are the proud owners of the ten newest royals!” She exclaimed.

Kristoff met Elsa’s confused stare with a smirk and a shake of his head. “Anna, tell her what you really mean.”

“Ok, ok, jeez! We’re cat mommies, Elsa! Kristoff and I found ten yesterday and brought them back with us to the castle to live!”

Elsa froze, startled. “Cats?”

“Yes, aren’t you listening? Cats! They were all alone and abandoned out there with no one to feed them or play with them. So now we’ll be their family! Oh, and half of them are kittens, too, Elsa- they’re SO adorable! There’s even a little orange one that’s a runt and I’ve been feeding him from a bottle, and there’s one that’s so big and fluffy and-“

“Anna.” Elsa interrupted, her hands curling in her napkin. “I’m sorry, but they can’t stay. I’m allergic to cats.”

“What?! Since when?”

“Since I was a child at least,” Elsa explained. “When I was…eleven?” She squinted, trying to remember, “Mama and Papa brought me a kitten in my room to keep me company.”

She sighed and smiled wistfully at the memory. “I loved that ball of fur. I finally had someone to play with and when it got cold he would just snuggle up to me. But after a few hours it was clear that I couldn’t keep him. I just couldn’t stop sneezing and I just felt so ill. I don’t really remember much besides that it was more than a full day before Mama and Papa had time to come back to visit me-“ she held a hand over her mouth in what seemed like horror and laughter that started bursting out of her- “they said when they came in I was as red as a tomato!”

Anna’s eyes grew big as saucers- what had she done?

“I thought maybe I would grow out of it, but apparently I didn’t - that explains earlier.”

“Earlier?” Kristoff and Anna parroted.

“Yes- I kept sneezing all through my meeting with the Swedish diplomat. I thought I had caught a cold again!”

“Damn,” Anna replied, her face falling at Elsa’s confession and rolling her eyes when Elsa warned her about her language. “I’m sorry, Elsa.  I had no idea you had allergies. Guess we’re still learning about each other, huh?”

Elsa’s face fell at Anna’s dejected expression. The redhead had rested her head in her hand with her elbow on the table, smooshing her cheek as she pouted. “Kristoff and I will take them somewhere else tonight. We can find good homes for them, right?” She asked Kristoff, her eyes pleading for something hopeful.

"Sure," Kristoff responded, nodding. We can keep them at my place for now, or in the stables until we can find a home for them. Or, you know, just return them to where we found them..."

"No!" Anna shouted, nearly rising from her chair in concern. “We're rescuing them! They need a home! We're not sending them back into the wild with no one to fend for them.”

"Anna, they're cats, they don't need a human to fend for them," Kristoff shot back.

"Anna, wait." Elsa bit her lip. Having the pets clearly made her sister happy. And who was she to take away her sister's happiness- again? It would be selfish of her to make Anna get rid of the cats just because it made her uncomfortable. She loved seeing the excitement on Anna's face - how happy she was to have something to care for and cuddle. Her sister had such warmth and love- it was time to let her share it with others. Maybe there was some kind of solution that would work for both of them.

"Maybe...maybe you can keep them. We can make it work."

"What?" Anna furrowed her eyebrows, shaking her head at her sister's words. "No, Elsa, you're allergic - like really allergic, it sounds like. I'm not going to make you suffer!"

Elsa tapped her fingers on the table, thinking. "Well, let's try to make this work. We'll keep all the doors closed of the rooms that I frequent so the cats can't get in. I can ask some of the girls to clean more often to get rid of the dander and fur. If I don't come into contact with them much and those areas are cleaned, maybe it won't be so bad."

"Are you sure?"

Elsa hummed, wondering if her suggestions would really make a difference. But look at the hope in Anna's face! Yes, it would be worth it. She would make it work, somehow.

"Absolutely."

 Okay, so maybe it wasn't worth it.

The very next morning, Elsa woke up and almost wished she never had.

Starting with a sneezing fit that lasted minutes but seemed like hours, she was finally able to pull herself out of bed as the sun was just barely beginning its ascent and went to clean herself up. Handkerchiefs, where are they? She knew she had a stash of them somewhere...and she could already tell she was going to need her entire supply of them today.

Looking at herself in the mirror, Elsa groaned. The cats hadn't been in her room yesterday, had they? Why was she so miserable? Her nose was dripping but she was so congested after all her sneezing that sniffling didn't even help. It even looked like her eyes might be a bit swollen.

Elsa made it to her first meeting just a few minutes late, feeling slightly better after her standard cup of tea which woke her up and soothed her throat. At least she had learned from a young age how to do her own makeup so she didn't look quite so....afflicted.

She thanked Kai as he pulled out her chair, and then began to address her council.

"Good mornig," she started. "Sorry I'b late."

Goodness, is that what I sound like?! Elsa was mortified. Some of the members squinted at her in confusion at the change in her voice. But it couldn't be helped. "By apologies in advance," Elsa thickly began, to ward off the imaginations of her council, "It seebs as though I've caught another cold." She couldn't let them know she was allergic- everyone got sick, it was a natural occurrence that no one could avoid. But allergies? Well, they were for those with weak constitutions and likely unfit to wear the crown.

The meeting, overall, was a productive one. Unfortunately, the Queen was not greatly aware of their successes- she was busy fretting over making sure she didn't seem so obviously ill that her council would get up to leave her contagion.

Her voice was a great embarrassment. She knew how congested she sounded and tried not to talk much and reveal how stuffed up she was. Needless to say, she couldn't breathe through her nose anymore and was trying to control her breathing so she didn't sound like a panting dog sitting at the table.

Her eyes watered at the corners, and oh, how they itched! She was rubbing at them nearly as often as she brought the handkerchief up to her nose, never chancing to let go of the cloth. Heavens, she couldn't look like a five-year old child whose nose needed to be wiped every few minutes! 

But the prickling sensation from yesterday was back, and with a vengeance. Up her throat, into her nasal passages, it tickled like someone was waving a feather around up there.

The men's voices droned on and on like bees, and she felt their buzzing in her nose as the sensation grew stronger. She held her handkerchief to her face and pressed, hoping to relieve the itch.

But it was to no avail. She was prepared, thankfully, and stifled her first fit, turning away from the table with the handkerchief pressed firmly to her face. “Heh-nngt! Nngt! Heh-ngchoo!"

The council stopped their discussion to wait for the Queen to be able to participate once more. But she waved a hand to indicate that they should continue- the unfortunate side effect of stifling was that her sneezing didn't alleviate the itch of the need to sneeze, and she knew it would be another minute or two until her allergies had abated enough to continue a conversation.

After two more fits, Elsa was panting to catch her breath and was losing her ability to stifle a third that was oncoming- and she could no longer concentrate on removing the snow that formed with her sneezes. The men were starting to shiver, shaking the white powder off of their shoes and brushing it off of their heads. She had to leave.

Excusing herself for a moment so she could compose herself in the hallway, Elsa headed towards the door. And there it was- a white cat, seemingly with enough fur and fluff to make a carpet. It was cleaning itself, but looked up and seemed royally pissed off to be startled by the Queen as she passed by to leave the room. I guess Anna forgot to close the doors of the meetings rooms…thank you, dear sister.

Dread settled deep into the pit of her stomach as she came to the realization she had been afraid of- the cats simply had to go.

Anna startled at the sound of a light but urgent knock on her bedroom door. She stood up, not worried for the grey kitten she had been petting, who had jumped off her lap at the knock and went to investigate by the window.

“Oh, Elsa! What’re you-“ Anna paused, shocked, as her sister entered her room.

Eternally prim, poised, and perfectly composed, Elsa never seemed to have a hair out of place, a blemish, or a single bit of makeup smudged. Looking at her now, however, Anna was amazed at the change that had taken place in her sister- was this the same Queen!?

A couple strands of hair had escaped her sister’s perfectly tight bun, slipping down to frame her face, and some bangs had fallen in her eyes. Eyes which were glassy and bloodshot and watering. Her cheeks were almost equally pink as her eyes, and her nose had taken on an irritated shade of red. Elsa’s hand was clamped tightly around a handkerchief which looked crumpled from use throughout the day.

“Anna,” Elsa began, sniffling wetly, her voice thick with congestion. “I am so, so sorry. But I really don’t think I’m going to be alright having the cats after all. This is just getting too severe.” She rubbed her eyes roughly with the heels of her palm. Why was she always ruining Anna’s happiness?

Anna reached up to brush her sister’s hair back out of her eyes, and swept light fingers across the redness over her sister’s cheeks and nose. Elsa immediately stepped back at the contact- her sensitive nose did not want to be touched at the moment. She held the handkerchief to her face tightly and turned her back to Anna while she sneezed relentlessly and stumbled over to a chair to sit. Anna, meanwhile, scooped up the grey kitten and gently took it out of the room and shut the door. She returned to her sister to wait until she recovered.

“Elsa, I am so sorry- you have nothing to be sorry for!” She looked sympathetically at her sister and rubbed her back. “I’m going to go find Kristoff right now and we’ll take the cats to the stables until we can find more homes for them.”

“Thanks Anna,” Elsa responded, and once again apologized. “Maybe we can get you some fish instead?” She teased.

“Oh, great, thanks, Elsa. Fish would be loads of fun!” Anna stuck her tongue out at her sister. “Now, go! Off to bed with you, or get washed up, or whatever you need to do. Leave it to me and Kristoff to take care of the cats. You’ll be as good as new in no time!”

I sincerely hope so, Elsa thought, retiring to her room to wash her face and hopefully sleep off some of her symptoms.

Entering her bedroom, the very first thing Elsa saw was the teeny orange kitten curled up in a ball right on her pillow. Of course. She rolled her eyes, anxiously approaching the head of the bed, where she lifted up the corner of the pillow with just her fingertips until the kitten began sliding off.

"C'mon now, shoo!" Elsa waved her hands and handkerchief at the animal. It looked up at her piteously, mewing adorably. "Ugh, why do you have to be so cute?!" The precious orange furball still on the bed butted its head into her waist in response. Elsa tried to back away but it jumped down from the bed and continued to brush up against her ankles.

"No, no, please don't do that..." The tickling sensation in her nose was starting to build again. She moved her feet, trying to push the creature towards the door, but it continued its pleading mews for attention.

"Gosh, you're just like Anna - just wants to play and won't leave me alone!" Elsa smiled despite her growing discomfort. "Come to think of it, you two have the same hair color..." She bent down to examine the color of the kitten's fur- it was just about identical with that of her sister.

The close quarters triggered a sudden sneeze, and Elsa stumbled back to find a new handkerchief. Turning around, she went to wave away the snow she unintentionally had summoned, but froze in place when she saw the sight in front of her.

The little kitten was rolling around in the snow on her bedroom floor! He was clearly enjoying himself, covering his bright fur in the white dustings of powder. Once again, just what Anna would do, Elsa thought.

Giggling at the kitten's antics, Elsa summoned a small cube of ice in front of his paws. The kitten stood up, curious, and sniffed the piece of ice. Then he licked it - it moved! It was like a toy- he began batting the ice cube around the room with his paws, running as fast as he could to keep up with the sliding across the hardwood floor.

Elsa's laughter grew stronger- he was adorable! She thought the children of Arendelle enjoyed her snow, but this reaction was something else entirely.

Internally, she sighed. Oh, how she would love to play with this kitten every day with her magic like this! But just like with her magic, her body had betrayed her once more.

Could there be a way to make this work? Maybe, just maybe....

There were currently ten cats in the castle, according to Anna - what if there was just one? Would she have one-tenth of the allergies? She could probably deal with that, in exchange for this adorable kitten that was the animal equivalent to her sister.

Watching the orange cat pounce on the ice cube, waggling its tail, Elsa came to her decision. She’d try this out - just give it one more chance. Anna always tried everything she could for Elsa. So Elsa would do the same- especially for this ball of fur that also had lots of love to give.

One week later....

Anna approached Elsa's study, plate of chocolates in hand. Elsa had been cooped up all day in meetings and paperwork- it was time to make her sister take a break. Anna reached up a hand to knock on the door - and paused, letting her hand fall, when she heard noises coming from inside. She placed her ear up against the door.

Elsa was giggling, more unrestrained than Anna had ever heard her before.

“That’s right, get it! Get it! You can do it!” Elsa suddenly burst out into laughter, clapping her hands at whatever was going on inside the room. Anna heard some rustling of papers, the scrape of a chair being scooted back along the floor.

“’C’mere you- does that tickle? Yeah, you like that?”

There was a sharp intake of breath, followed by a long pause and then, as she had grown accustomed to hearing lately from this room, the beginning of a desperate fit of sneezing from within. That was when Anna chose to enter, announcing her presence with a knock- if Elsa could hear it over her own ruckus.

The floor was littered with ice cubes for Elsa’s new buddy, whom she had named Ani after his human look-alike, Anna. The orange kitten was in Elsa’s lap, struggling to climb up her shoulder as she hunched over sneezing.

Elsa had deemed her allergies worth it for this one kitten, she explained to Anna – who was so like Anna herself, apparently. Elsa had made strict instructions that Ani was only to be permitted in her study at times she asked – the rest of the time she brought him out into the gardens where he could come and go as he pleased. Something had made him want to stay nearby for Elsa, however- whenever she wanted her kitten she just had to go outside and summon some snow or ice and the kitten came pouncing, ready to play.

Elsa had pockets for handkerchiefs sewn into all of her dresses, and there was a washbasin that had been brought in so that she could wash her hands and face after playing with Ani.

Plopping down next to her sneezing sister on the floor, Anna picked some cat hair off the chocolate – How is it covered in fur already? I just brought it in! – and beamed at Elsa when she was ready for conversation.

“I think Ani wants to build a snowman.”

[darcyfirth]

Hartwin fic recs (1/?)

[Long post]

I went through the fics saved on my Kindle aka I read them at least thrice (not the recently bookmarked ones on ao3 or on my laptop) and here are what I found. The order is mainly sorted by authors’ names and texts in italics are my comments. I try not to spoil them for you guys and only include tags the authors use.

⭐ Underneath - Ataraxetta. E, 37k.

Of course, a refusal to apologise and a handjob on the floor of a fitting room does not reparations make.

Eggsy left the shop that night with a new chip on the shoulder of his new suit. Harry left the shop that night with the knowledge of what Eggsy looked like flushed and trembling with pleasure under his hands and the certainty that this single torturous taste of what he wanted most was worth living with the possibility that he would not get another.

⭐ A Marriage of Inconvenience - autoschediastic. E, 11k. Fake marriage.

“Caution in the field isn’t confined to simply an awareness of your surroundings,” Harry says, his tone stern but his breath soft and warm against the back of Eggsy’s hand. His gaze lifts, his eyes hooded as he peers at Eggsy over the rims of his glasses. “You’ve told a lie, Eggsy, and now that lie must be truth.”

(Or, that time Eggsy scored them a better table by saying it was his and Harry’s anniversary and quickly grew to regret it.)

⭐ the train is a metaphor - autoschediastic, Ponderosa . E, 6k.

“What sort of aggression is it then?” Eggsy asks, cutting right to the heart of the matter.

Harry knows even before he hears the response. Knows because even as Merlin is saying, “It appears to affect sexual responses. Activating latent desire and cranking up the subject’s sex drive whilst simultaneously increasing pheromone production,” Harry is thinking primarily of the distance between himself and Eggsy and how very few steps it would take to be within range to push the boy to the floor and pin him there.

⭐ How (not) to get a dad’s blessing - BrightsideIsMyMiddleName. NR, 36k, WIP.

“You know, you almost fooled me yesterday with the whole I want to watch the legacies speech,” Merlin says and Harry groans, because he knows things just went tits up. “Well, I suppose you were half telling the truth. You wanted to watch one certainlegacy, but it was more about his mouth, eyelashes and that thing on his eyebrow you can’t seem to stop staring at.”

Harry head snaps up at that. “Oh, shite.”

“Oh, yes,” the agent keeps going, completely enjoying this. “You forgot to turn off your feed. I saw the flirting. And Lee’s reaction. Good luck with that.”

⭐ Conditions of Release - Calico. E, 5k.

Eggsy pulled furtively at the ropes binding his arms and legs to the metal tracks, as if he’d forgotten the last five minutes already. God, though. Before he’d felt trapped, terrified; now it was more like he was… at Harry’s mercy.

⭐ What Men Want - calico. E, 12k. Lots of UST.

Eggsy goes data-mining.

I died multiple times reading this. 

⭐ Inopportune Moments series - calico, habernero. The whole series is a blessing and I’ll forever treasure the endless amount of UST in it.

⭐ Every Club’s Got a Secret Handshake - ChuckleVoodoos. NR, 4k.

A Kingsman needs steady hands, he tells Eggsy. I’ll resign quietly, he tells Merlin. Eggsy will make an admirable Galahad, he tells them both.

Or: In which Harry has a few minor issues following his head injury that no one but him considers issues.

Status after reading: Dehydrated from crying. 

⭐ Ätherwellen - coloursflyaway. M, 2k.

There are three-hundred and twenty-six members in Kingsman’s tech departments all over the world, and obviously they have lots of stories to share about their agents and what they do to drive them crazy.

The best way to do so is a super-secret WhatsApp group, and if it gets a challenge for all of them to finally get Harry and Eggsy together, it might just be Merlin’s fault.

⭐ Through Time - coloursflyaway. E, 162k.

A chronic of Harry’s and Eggsy’s love, following them from their first meeting to the last time they set eyes on each other, through shots in the head and falling in love and finally getting their shit together.

⭐ Dream In Red - Corvin. T, 11k. Soulmates AU.

Eggsy wasn’t raised to take the soulmate marks too seriously. He could fall in love without them.

⭐ Street Sweepers, Night Watchmen, Flame Keepers - Deepdarkwaters. E, 36k.

Harry survived V-Day - because of course he did - but not all the Kingsman agents were so lucky. With the world still going to shit and the worst staff shortage since the organisation began, Merlin calls a group of retired agents back to their posts to help out while he trains the new recruits.

Featuring snowball fights, banter, innuendo, handsome old men, lady scientists, secrets in walking sticks, Harry’s appalling crush, thumbnails of bigger pictures, a pastede on plot crammed in around all the flirting which is really just an excuse for me to write a silly sword fight, and an old bet from 1986 that’s still not been decided.

⭐ in this safe place here - Della19. E, 5k. Omegaverse.

“I am entirely capable,” Harry proclaims cuttingly to Merlin, puffed up like a prissy cat. And Merlin throws his arms skyward like he’s just begging for lightning to strike ‘im where he stands and asks, with scathing exasperation, “Of what, waddling up to someone and ruthlessly bumping into them?”

And Eggsy one hundred percent doesn’t snicker, and he’s got the bloody inner cheek to prove it, ‘cause Eggsy’s a fuckin’ gentleman.

Instead Eggsy takes in the sight of ‘is pregnant mate, huge as a fuckin’ planet and still the most bloody gorgeous man he’s ever seen. And then takes in ‘is face, and he wonders how much ice cream he’s gonna need to buy to get them all through the four weeks of bed rest Merlin just ordered.

And then Harry’s upper lip looks like it might fuckin’ quiver, and Eggsy contemplates just buyin’ stock in Ben and Jerry’s.

⭐ i blinked (and there you were) - Della19. M, 19k. Time travel AU.

The Weeping Angels, Eggsy reads on the stolen Torchwood intel. Aliens that pose as statues, and kill their victims by sending them back in time and feeding off their years not lived in the present. The politest psychopaths in the universe, a note reads, scrawled in what looks like a doctor’s chicken scratch on the edge of the page by someone who clearly had a perverse sense of humour. A one way trip, the report concludes; you get transported by the angels, and it’s the slow road back to the present for you.

Eggsy lays his head back on the wall, takes stock of his situation. He’s lost 30 years - three years more than his entire lifespan up ’til now - in the blink of an eye, and now he’s stuck here, in 1988. Three years before he’s even born. Arthur, the prick, is sure to be heading up the Kingsmen, and Merlin, if he’s even there would be…20, maybe. Fuck, so fucking young.

Shite, even Harry’d only be…

Alive, Eggsy thinks, and finds himself sitting down hard from where his knees can’t hold him. This is 1988, and Harry’s 23, and alive.

Suddenly, being stuck in 1988 doesn’t seem so bad.

⭐ your world tomorrow - DivineProjectZero. E, 9k.

This is turning into one hell of a fairytale.

(or, the one in which Eggsy never dreamed of the Cinderella life and ends up living it anyway.)

⭐ all the tables turn - DivineProjectZero. E, 23k.

Harry Hart has terrible taste in men.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise when Eggsy smiles at him and the predator inside Harry cocks its head in consideration.

⭐ the things we steal (it was only a kiss) - DivineProjectZero, 5k. HP AU.  

Eggsy whips around to find Harry Hart standing right behind him, holding a martini glass and just as gorgeous as Eggsy last saw him, three years and two months ago.

Thankfully, Eggsy is too busy staring in shock to actually say anything in response, because Harry then says, “Excuse my poor manners. Harry Hart. And you are?” And then extends his hand, which is how Eggsy remembers that he’s not supposed to be Eggsy Unwin right now; he’s actually undercover.

⭐ How not to attack Harry Hart - enjoy_acne. M, 31k.

Everybody wants to hurt Harry Hart. Harry’s really not sure what he’s done to garner such attention.

Where attacking even an amnesiac Harry proves near impossible. This is a romantic comedy with a dose of violence.

⭐ another head aches, another heart breaks - jonphaedrus. E, 44k.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every good story has its Lazarus.

(or; the one where harry hart dies, and then lives again)

⭐ take me to church - jonphaedrus. M, 2k.  

He sees Westminster Abbey. Instead of a burst of civic and national pride, it feels like someone has just punched him in the chest. Harry stumbles, nearly falls over, and he can suddenly see bright Southern sunlight, he can smell the scent of blood all over him, his shoulder aches where someone’s just stabbed him, there are bullet bruises all over his back. There’s someone screaming in the distance and he can see flat, brown eyes facing him down the barrel of a silenced gun.

He winds up crouched, retching on the floor of a public loo, head between his knees, breathing high and fast through his teeth while Merlin’s voice, quiet and calm and grounding in his ear tells him just stay there, Arthur, someone’s coming, and someone comes.

⭐ A Different Place and Time - Ferrero13. T, 23k. Time travel, soulmates AU.  

Eggsy’s words are ‘What’s your name, young man?’, but Harry’s isn’t ‘Eggsy.’ So he keeps quiet, keeps it to himself, but when he finds himself face to face with a younger Harry Hart, Eggsy can’t help falling in love all over again.

Sometimes, the first words you say to your soulmate aren’t the first they hear from you.

⭐ On Hand - fideliant. E, 24k.

Or, Five Things A Gentleman Should Never Do Without

“In my defence,” Eggsy says, “It could have happened to anyone.”

⭐ Your Highness - Galahard. E, 40k. Modern Royal AU.

 “The international community is in chaos this morning in the wake of the deaths of many world leaders. The death of the president of the United States has been confirmed, along with the majority of his cabinet. Great Britain can count itself lucky that the Queen has been found and finally returned to her throne, but her heirs are another story. It appears that both princes and their own heirs are among the casualties of what is being referred to as the Valentine’s Day Massacre. Sources close to–”

It just so happens that there is another direct heir to the British throne out there, but he’s probably going to need a bit of polish.

⭐ We musn’t touch what isn’t ours - inusagi. E, 11k.

Harry Hart is a sociopath, yes, but he’s a sociopath who loves Eggsy.

or

5 times Harry showed his true colours and 1 time Eggsy really sees it.

⭐ Irish Car Bombs - kimposibl. M, 5k.

“It’s from the gentleman over there,” replies the waitress, pointing over her shoulder.

“Err….” Now, Eggsy knows he’s pissed. He learned his limits and exceeded them back in Cambridge, so being drunk off his arse is nothing new. He also knows that he can finish his pint and maybe get away with one more drink before he’s making a raucous or somehow getting involved in a fight, but he certainly can’t handle six more cocktails of Irish alcohol.

“Invite him over,” he tells her with an easy smile.

–

Or, the drunken one night stand Eggsy thought he’d never see again until he does and they have sex again.

⭐ Gentle - KingKiller. T, 4k.

Harry lives. He’s alive and he knows it.

But sometimes at night after waking up from dreams (nightmares) where Valentine wasn’t afraid of blood and Gazelle wasn’t so enamored with the lisping psychopath Harry wakes in the dark all too sure he’s dead.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

⭐ Hold me tight - KingKiller. NR, 14k.

The dynamics between he and Eggsy had changed. And Harry doesn’t even know how to describe “how” it had.

Continuation of “Gentle”. 

⭐ the parting glass - kirkaut. E, 48k.

The words shrivel and die between them.

Harry’s chest hitches on an indrawn breath. The contours of his face are cast dramatically in the fiery hues of the street at night, highlighting the wrinkle in his forehead and the soft slope of his chin and the silvery pink of his scar.

He’s beautiful, and Eggsy loves him.

“I miss you.” The confession falls. It lands heavily onto the pavement, cracking into the asphalt. “You’re alive, you’re right in fucking front of me, and I still miss you.”

⭐ Whenever you look up there I shall be. - LadyEmrys. E, 114k.

Watching the light spread in those heavy-lidded eyes, seeing the small twitch at the corner of his mouth - the only other physical sign he had strength enough to give - was more than enough to know for sure.

Eggsy was fucked.

Or: In a world rapidly descending into anarchy in the wake of V-Day, Kingsman - under the guidance of it’s new Arthur - must decide whether or not to abandon its hitherto undercover nature and save the the world from itself.

⭐ Ace of Spades - manic_intent. E, 44k.

“This is your next target,” Merlin said into Harry’s earpiece, as Harry leaned forward to look at his laptop screen.

It blacked out, for a moment, then a clip out of some interview began to play. The video was in black and white, crisply and tightly shot, its subject a young man shown seated from the waist up, against a pale gray background, grinning at the camera. He was probably in his mid twenties, dressed down in a black leather jacket over a pale t-shirt, loose over denim jeans, his hair long enough to feather slightly over his forehead, a hint of stubble over his chin. He was also, quite possibly, the most beautiful young man Harry had ever seen, and disturbingly… familiar, somehow.

As the young man laughed noiselessly at the camera, elegant serif type faded over the lower third of the screen: Gary Unwin, by Vanity Fair. Harry blinked, and studied the young man’s pretty face more closely, the crinkling around his eyes, the joyous curl to his mouth, the way he sat, relaxed yet alert, like a hunting hound, waiting to come to heel.

⭐ Kingmaker - manic_intent. E, 49k.

“Eggsy, I really don’t think-“ Merlin began, and stopped, because at that very moment, Eggsy walked right into a lamp post.

Across the street, at a sidewalk corner cafe, reading a paper, sandwich part-eaten on a plate, sleek, long legs crossed neatly under the table, was Harry Hart.

⭐ Strange Sights, Strange Wonders - manic_intent. E, 51k. Stardust AU.

In the glade where the star had fallen, the gloom of the gnarled old woods was deeper than night, save around the blackberry bush that had broken his fall: the grass and the battered leaves were now luminous, moon-touched. There was a long pause, broken by the sounds of twittering insects and the forest folk, then, there was a loudly groaned, “Fuck!”

The star rubbed a hand over his eyes, then flinched and held his hand up, spreading unfamiliar fingers up against the night sky. He turned his hand this way and that, curling and uncurling fingers, then he let out a softer, yet just as vehement “fuck!” and sat up, wincing.

⭐ Calm Like You - MartinShostakovich. E, 10k. Teacher/student AU.

Eggsy develops a heavy crush on his new Classical Literature Professor Harry Hart, and strives to reach the top of the class in order to impress him. Little did Eggsy know, Mr. Hart is fairly easy to impress.

⭐ As Fate Would Have it - midnightsurge. M, 45k. MI6!Eggsy AU.

 The young man smiled brightly again, turning to face him slightly as they walked outside. “M’name’s Eggsy. Eggsy Unwin.”

Harry suddenly stopped in his tracks. He knew that name.

Eggsy turned to face him expectantly once he’d realised the other was no longer walking next to him.

“I think you knew me dad, righ’?” 

⭐ the centre cannot hold - missbecky. E, 34k.

It’s a rainy Monday when Eggsy Unwin is killed in the line of duty. And it’s a rainy Tuesday when Harry Hart starts to feel that there is something very wrong with the world now. As one tragic event after another unfolds, he becomes convinced that Eggsy was never meant to die. Somehow he has to put things right again and find a way to get Eggsy back. No matter what the cost.

⭐ once upon a different lifetime - missbecky. M, 58k.

The night before the final test, Harry makes Eggsy a promise: once he is a Kingsman, they will talk about their future together. Then V-Day happens, and although Harry recovers, he doesn’t remember that last day he spent with Eggsy. Now Eggsy has to carry on like his heart isn’t breaking every time he looks at Harry and he thinks about what they might have had. He manages to do a good job of it, though, keeping things between them strictly professional.

So then, of course, Harry remembers.

⭐ One Night - Nickygp. E, 53k. Judge!Harry, rentboy!Eggsy.

Harry Hart, a Lord Justice, has his life turned upside down when he meets a young rentboy, named Eggsy, who charms his way into Harry’s heart. But can he act upon those feelings, or are their cirmustances too different to breach the gap?

⭐ Bluffing With An Empty Hand - nightwalker. E, 2k. Short and sweet.

The first time Harry Hart threatens to end Eggsy’s step-father, it’s a bluff.

The second time is going to be a promise.

⭐ No Charm Equal- potentiality_26. E, 29k. Cupid AU. The one that got me hooked on this author.

To say that Harry was too surprised to react at first would have been a grave understatement. He wasn’t literally invisible, because he did sometimes need to interact with mortals to do his job, he was just unnoticeable. People- the particular charge he had been assigned to most of all- were meant to see him and yet never actually process his presence. Unless he showed up in their houses- which a gentleman would never do, of course- they would ignore him and just get on with their lives. And yet here Eggsy was, closer than anyone had been to Harry since- well, since he was mortal, and that was long enough ago that Harry could hardly remember it- snarling, “Why are you following me?”

⭐ Getting It Right - potentiality_26. E, 8k. 5+1.

“Kiss me,” he murmured when he reached Harry, because while it wasn’t exactly vital to the mission that Eggsy convince this woman that they were in love, it would certainly make him feel better. Harry pressed his mouth to Eggsy’s as he passed him a glass of champagne, and ‘feeling better’ went out the window. The kiss was quick, sweet, marital. Eggsy didn’t know how Harry made it feel so practiced, but he did.

“I have an admirer,” Eggsy informed him, almost breathless with how much he wanted Harry to kiss him like that every day, how much he wanted Harry to have a reason to.

Five times Eggsy gets Harry to kiss him for the wrong reasons (and one time he gets it right).

⭐ Enough to Live On - potentiality_26. E, 19k.

Harry stated the obvious, something he should have seen that morning but hadn’t: “You shopped.”

“I been here quite a bit,” Eggsy explained, shrugging one shoulder. “And anyway it seemed… better. Food in the fridge, nothing gathering dust. Made it more like you’d be back any day now.” Eggsy swiped his knife over the bread with a little more aggression than was strictly necessary, but his voice was very even. “You said you’d come back and sort things. But you didn’t.”

Harry comes back a week after V-Day. He isn’t strictly alive, but that means less than he would have expected it to. 

⭐ An Ocular Condition  - ProdigalQueer. G, 3k.

Harry sees his adjustment as easy, but that’s only because he’s not really looking.

⭐ Only As Directed - rageprufrock. E, 12k.

“Arthur is a bad man,” Roxy had said.

“Fucking tell me about it,” Eggsy had muttered, and gone to put on the tarty trousers Harry had picked out for him like a fucking high-end pimp.

⭐ A Taste of Mallorca - Regency. M, 18k. Chef AU.

Harry is a celebrated food critic. Eggsy is a Youtube-famous food blogger. They meet at the grand opening of Mediterranean restaurant Mallorca when they’re forced to share a table. It’s a meal, and a night, neither will soon forget.

⭐ my saints fallen series  - neroh. From T to E.  I love this so much.

 ⭐ The Mate in Roommate - ronahn. E, 5k. Uni AU.

Out of all of the blokes occupying their flat, Harry was the one Eggsy saw the most, and yet they had only ever shared passing greetings. It was a growing source of disappointment for Eggsy; he was strangely drawn to Harry and his gorgeous brown hair and eyes.

⭐ The Spy who Loved Me (Or so they say) - ToriCeratops. E, 54k. Fake relationship AU, Pining.

In the wake of V-day the world’s economy hangs in a delicate balance, liable to crumble without warning. One man has the knowledge and the power necessary to send it tumbling down, so that only he remains on top.

The Kingsman have been tasked with stopping him before he can carry out his plan. In order to do so, Harry and Eggsy must act as lovers at an elite couple’s getaway to earn this man’s trust. Will they be able to carry out their mission as planned? Or will old wounds and buried emotions cause a havoc greater than anything they could have expected?

⭐ Kiss Me Now (before I can run) - persephoneggsy. M, 37k. Soulmates AU.

It wasn’t unusual, Eggsy told himself. There were plenty of people- just a little under half of the world’s population, really- that weren’t with their soulmates. Some of them just hadn’t met yet; others had died beforehand; and then there were the people in Eggsy’s situation. Sometimes people genuinely didn’t want their soulmates. Either they were in love with someone else, or they just didn’t like what they got stuck with, and Eggsy imagined the latter was very much the case with him and Harry. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must have felt like for him, the world’s prime example of a posh bloke, to have his soulmate be some beaten-up kid. He would have rejected him too.

Or: soulmate AU where you know your soulmate from the moment you touch them, and when you do, their name gets written over your heart like a brand. But that’s not always a guarantee.

⭐ Tailor Shop - rougewinter. E, 13k. Like a Disney movie except really gay and for grown-ups.

“There’s no need for that now.” The older man said, both hands raised in a placating gesture that only had Eggsy narrowing his eyes in wariness.

“Who the hell are you, anyway?” Eggsy demanded, making sure to keep the poker up.

“My name is Harry Hart. And I’m the man, well, the mannequin that you just assembled.”

Or

The one where Harry is cursed to be a magical mannequin and can only be saved by the power of love.

⭐ that which lingers - bruises for tomorrow. M, 22k.

 Here is something that Gary “Eggsy” Unwin (aged 24 and ¾) never knew to expect from ghosts:

- Sometimes their absence hurts worse than their presence.

⭐ Married to the Job - trilliath. E, 18k. Mutual pining, misunderstanding.

 "Hm?“ Merlin asks, distracted when he looks up and squints at Eggsy’s face, then catches up and resumes working. “Oh. No. Zania Bonatti, Italian artist and activist. Also Harry’s wife.”

“You wot?” Eggsy blurts, eyes snapping back to him, then over to Roxy like he might’ve mis-heard.

But he hasn’t because Roxy’s face wrinkles minutely in sympathy that has Eggsy’s ears burning and he snaps his eyes away again in humiliation.

“Yes, Harry’s married. Did he never mention that to you?” Merlin pauses long enough to frown briefly, then he shrugs. “Well, on to more important matters…”

⭐ you make motion when you cry - unhappy_turtle. E, 4k. Pining.

“Wanna go on an ate with me?” Eggsy slurs, “I’ll give you the D later.”

“You are very inebriated, aren’t you?”

Eggsy nods, his head feeling too heavy.

⭐ These Hands (Had to Let It Go Free) - Vacilando. G, 12k.

He does not only recognize this man, he knows him. Harry knows the way he laughs and the way he would smile cheekily at Harry. He knows the way this man say his name, all rough cockney accent and confidence. Harry knows him better than Harry knows himself but none of that matter because Harry does not remember his name.

Nor is he sure if this man is real. 

⭐ Breathless (A Tale of Eggsy Unwin) - xxjinchuurikixx. E, 101k. Pining.

“Harry–"Eggsy breaks off, because, god, Harry’s here! He’s alive, breathing, beautiful, and he’s got Eggsy crushed in his arms and Eggsy can feel his mouth tingling from the roughness of his kiss.

Then Harry pulls back; more-so he shoves Eggsy away. He keeps him pinned to the wall, at arms length, and Eggsy is pleased to see Harry is panting, stray chocolate hairs fallen out of place. The action, however, makes his blood feel cold, and he stares up at Harry in confusion, expecting something more. But Harry makes no move to close the space between them again.

When Harry speaks, finally, it’s low and deadly and it fucking hurts.

“Forget that ever happened.”

⭐ Virtue Over Avarice- Yessydo. M, 13k. Tailor AU.

Eggsy crashes his stepfather’s car into the front window of a quaint but reputable tailor’s shop on Savile Row and, thanks to the charitable spirit of its mysterious owner, ends up working there to pay the damages.

⭐ Lots of Lost Time - Yessydo. E, 1k.

A year after his “death”, Harry is reunited with Eggsy, who has some strong feelings on the matter.

⭐ Lavagulin and Guinness - Snarfle. E, 163k. I waited eagerly for every update of this.

Plenty of people had looked down on Eggsy throughout his life. He had gotten fairly used to it. Didn’t mean it was fair, but he knew how these things worked. What really sucked was that the new Arthur was worse than the old one.

“Eggsy grimaced. He didn’t know how to explain to Harry – who seemed like he hadn’t been discriminated against a day in his life – that the new Arthur kept giving him what amounted to suicide missions, and that he was currently bleeding out in a warehouse because of the deliberately bad intel she had given him.”