#there was literally no reason for boris to be racist

[thegothicchangeling]

Listen I understand that Boris Pavilkovsky is a troubled kid and not a particularly good person, but I will never understand why Donna Tart felt the need to have him say the n-word. Explicitly. Multiple times. Never adressed.

[aquamarine021109]

Introduction (because I actually haven't done one surprisingly)

Name: not sharing my real name, but you can call me aquamarine or aqua for short

Age: 15

Pronouns: I use any/all pronouns including neos

Sexuality: almondromantic aegoromantic fictoromantic animateromantic nebularomantic aegosexual

Gender: agender/apagender/implagender with alot of xenogenders

Otherkin: I am kinfluid, and my kin types are a demon, crow, black cat, dragon, wolf,

my otherlinks: all versions of c!wilbur (from dsmp), toga (from MHA), angel dust (from hazbin hotel), inosuke (from demon slayer), bakugo (from MHA), denki (from MHA), shigaraki (from MHA), the TBH creature, leonardo (from TMNT 2012),

I experience phantom limbs and the ones I experience are: black horns on my forehead and sometimes black feathered wings on my back and very rarely a wolf tail.

Things I do support: LGBT+, furrys, therians/otherkins, wilbur, (you can put in the comments the stuff I forgot)

Things I DON'T support: homophobic/transphobic people, racist/xenophobic people, ableists, pedophiles, zoophilia, abuse, animal abuse, people on Twitter that try to cancel people for no reason, shubble, nihachu, caitibugzz,

Fandoms im in: dsmp, MHA(literally my fav anime rn), ddlc, BATIM, cooking companions(I literally love that game), sims4, Helluva boss and hazbin hotel(I LOVE THOSE SHOWS), backrooms, marvel, the boys(love that show), AOT, fnaf, demon slayer, tokyo revengers, TMNT 2012,

Some fun facts about me: im autistic, my two Hyper fixations right now are dsmp and mha, I have a auditory disorder(which means I have a really hard time reading subtitles and focusing on the visuals/story at the same time), I have generalized anxiety disorder, I prefer to watch anime in the eng dub than sub, I have arachnophobia(fear of spiders) and a little bit of thalassophobia(fear of the deep ocean), my fav mha characters are denki and amajiki, im a multishipper, my favorite dsmp characters are c!wilbur and c!jack, my fav colors are blue and purple, my favorite lovejoy songs are warsaw, portrait of a blank slate, and normal people things, I recently got into anime a few months ago with the first anime being my hero academia,

Unpopular opinions of mine: I liked thor love and thunder and thor the dark world, I liked she-hulk and s2 of Jessica jones, I liked avengers age of altron, I liked mha s5 more than s4, I liked ironfist s1 better than the entirety of luke cage, I like dub way better than sub in anime, I find anteaters cute(yes I know dont tell wilbur that iykyk), my least favorite lovejoy songs are perfume and taunt, my fav ycgma songs are losing face and your sister was right, my least fav ycgma song is im sorry boris,

[collymore]

What's your percentage cut Boris, from the Military Industrial Complex?

By Stanley Collymore

You Boris Kamal: Turkish ancestry and USA born yet proselytizing yourself under the Johnson name as the distinctively archetypal Englishman that, self-evidently, you obviously are not but nevertheless projecting yourself openly, as part and parcel of that literally historic mindset, that has clearly plagued very specifically, the UK's military adventures; actually, culminating in disastrous forays, distinctively into the Middle East, and blithely elsewhere. Quite specifically, the so-called Third World. Obviously, surely a toxically verminous and basically, distinctly odious ilk as in the past can still undoubtedly be noxiously found significantly strutting and actually bellowing rather maddening and fervently for war, crucially so throughout British history. Rather evidently though, whenever the shooting starts are to be found hiding in the shadows. These vile sooks. Onward Christian soldiers; you all in your virtual signalling but fake patriotism cry, while quite hypocritically rather fanatically waving the Union Jack. Simply specifically, clearly assumingly though, generally letting these quite distinctly, cannon fodder of yours unquestionably know that should they literally make it back home, they'll obviously find you in the local, pub's bar.

(C) Stanley V. Collymore 5 April 2024.

Author's Remarks: Britain cannot conscionably continue to support a supposed ally that manifestly basically has no regards whatsoever for international law. And as such naturally damages us obviously as a country. For that reason alone Benjamin Netanyahu and his regime must face just actions for their recalcitrant genocide and vile barbarity!

With Boris this quite particular apple hasn’t fallen that far from the tree. His paternal Turkish grandfather was the instrumental figure that actually persuaded the Ottoman Emperor to get involved in World War One on the side of Germany. German lost that war and with belligerent retribution the victors turned on Turkey and dismantled the Ottoman Empire. But not before Kamal Snr, armed with all the money that he could sequester from that now defunct empire, and bearing in mind the very influential job he had as chief advisor to the Sultan himself, ditched his Turkish wife and married his French Caucasian mistress.

A very cynical arrangement on Kamal’s part, as with his French European white wife whose mother was English, Kamal Snr successfully bribed the British Home Office to give him British citizenship, even though he had no intention of residing in Britain. As with a British passport it was far easier to get into the United States where he simply wanted to be. And he managed that quite okay. The principal problem being that he found the USA unwelcoming to his sort. Make of that what you will.

I shan’t bore you anymore with a history lesson pertaining to this family, as you can quite easily research the information for yourself. What is significant for me is that Boris was born in the USA; he’s intrinsically racist and discernibly as well actually without any principles, if indeed he knows what these are. He’s in my view, and I trained as a psychiatric nurse many years ago as my regular readers know and in that capacity worked with lunatics of all kinds who were sectioned to the hospital where I worked.

Without any vacillating on my part Boris Kamal, alias Johnson, is a deeply inured and very dangerous sociopath and psychopath. But that’s his problem and those of you who just as dementedly think that the sun shines out of his ass. Crucially also for me is that this man whose grandfather took the Ottoman Empire into a war against Britain in which Britain and Empire casualty figures were these: 418,361 killed; 167,172 died of wounds; 113,173 died of disease or injury; 161,046 missing and presumed dead; and 16,332 were prisoner of war deaths. Yet this man became Prime Minister of Britain, and now ousted there are still considerable numbers of you who categorically want him back as such.

There is no accounting for stupidity, and Britain is riddled with idiots. Boris is only interested in money – I wonder why, considering his roots – and avidly supports Ukraine whose murderous Waffen SS record during World War 2  - as Ukraine was on Germany’s side not ours is well documented; and those Boris and his ilk to this day are lauding still celebrate in the 21st Century, Adolf Hitler’s birthday. And had it not been for Russia Britain would have profoundly had its ass kicked in on the Eastern Front. Go check them out and why those that the right-wingers, Nazis, and their supportive media rags that supported the Third Reich during World War 2, are all avid Boris Kamal’s supporters.

Yet the likes of Boris are the very ones if war breaks who’ll quickly ditch their bogus patriotism but defend Britain all the same to the last drop of someone else’s blood. So you’re quite welcome to this HERO of yours!

[glurg]

the govts new Australia-style immigration system is Literally why we did not want brexit, we knew this would happen

[movedtodykedvonte]

Howdy! I saw your post over Shawn calling Thomas uh, a 'dirty crow' (thanks JDS, I love when characters I like turn racist very cool- /sarcastic) and you mentioned something about Thomas being black having been retconned?? That's the first I'd ever heard about that, could you explain/give some context? Thanks ^-^

It's just that Thomas was out of nowhere revealed to be a person of color in DCTL when Buddy accuses Sammy of being racist for speaking to a black person (tom in this case) out of name intentionally. When this was pointed out by fans and critics, I think it was retconned in a discord server (not even publicly on Twitter) by KB that Thomas was white despite Buddy's comment. Most fans ignore the retcon and see it as poor representation/not knowing, though most do take it to them trying to point out that Sammy isn't racist, just an ink-addicted prick.

Thomas also falls into the angry black guy/person stereotype in general as he is only shown being gruff and surly which has been a derogatory depiction of black characters for years. It doesn't help he canonically was turned into or is represented by Tom Boris a literal wolf/dog... which is again an awful comparison that is often made by racists towards black people. Shawn calling him a "dirty crow" is just the most blatant and worse one seeing as it was before the retcon and there's no way to spin that it wasn't a targeted insult.

The devs and writers for some reason wanted the novels to be time appropriate in the worst ways and for the life of me, I cannot understand why we need time accuracy on these particular social issues in a story about living, reality-warping demonic fucking ink.

[notevengrayson]

Happy New Year to those in my time zones. We've been through a lot this year, so many things happened and it's difficult to keep track so let's just have a look at everything, together.

In my opinion, January was a great month, a lot happened and as a random onlooker, it was fun. On January 6th, Trump supporters stormed the U.S capital, five people died in this riot. A great start to the year in my opinion /s. January 7th is the day Elon Musk became the richest man on Earth, remember, eat the rich, even if they look like raw ham. On January 28th Bernie Sanders became a huge meme because he wore mittens.

I don't remember much from February but let's have a look. On February 1st, wildfires were ablaze in Australia. February 2nd, Jeff Bezos stepped down as Amazon's CEO, after 30 years of being in the position. Dallas, Texas, reached its lowest temperature recorded in 70 years on February 16, the temperatures reached -2° Fahrenheit (-18° Celcius).

March was a great year, I have no idea actually, I only remember one thing from it so it could be terrible. On March 11th Prince William claims that the royal family was 'very much not a racist family', which is definitely true /s. March 23rd, the best day ever. A cargo ship called the ever Given was lodged in the Suez Canal, halting global deliveries for ages, it was great. And then on March 29th, the Ever Given was freed of its prison and things went back to normal. Also on the 29th, the trial of Derek Chauvin, the man who murdered George Floyd, started.

April sucked for me personally, no clue about you lot. Let's get started. Coinbase became the first major cryptocurrency on 14th of April. On April 17th, the funeral of Prince Phillip took place, rest in peace I guess lmao. On the 20th if April, Derek Chauvin was convicted of the murder of George Floyd.

I'm pretty sure a lot happened in May, I don't remember, but I had my birthday so that's something. May 5th, Donald Trump is banned from Facebook, I just find that funny. Elon Musk hosted popular show Saturday Night Live on May 8th, everyone hated it. On May 21st I turned one year older, hooray to me. On May 22nd, the Eurovision Song Constest was won by Italian metal band Maneskin, everyone loves them.

June. That's all I have to say. Let's begin. On June 13th, the Queen of England and President Joe Biden shared a nice tea party, how lovely. The U.S Supreme Court declines to hear school's appeal to have transgender bathrooms, in Pride Month, how rude.

July, the month of something, that's for sure. July 5th, good old Bojo (Boris Johnson), prime minister, says that he will lift all Covid restrictions by the 19th of July, I bet that turned out well and definitely did not fuck shit up even more /s! July 18th, all Covid restrictions are lifted in England, even though there were 50,000 new daily infections. Wow. Who would've guessed. On the 20th, our favourite guy Jeff Bezos went to space for no reason.

Nothing interesting happened in August 2021. Literally nothing.

September happened, yep. On September 17th Squid Game released, oh how I wish I could've gone back in time and stopped that from happening. That's all I have to say.

October was fun probably. On October 4th, all apps associated with Facebook experienced a global outage for 6 hours, it was chaos. The Marvel film Eternals was released on October 18th, it's a very good film. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, changed the corporate name to Meta on the 28th.

Very few fun things happened in November. Paul Rudd was named the Sexiest Man Alive on the 9th of November. Britney Spears was freed on the 12th. On that day Taylor Swift released her short film All Too Well, good for her.

And finally, December. On the 7th, Chile became the 31st nation to legalise same-sex marriage. On December 13th, the great guy that is Elon Musk is named Time's Person of the Year.

And with that, we come to the present day. In all seriousness, a lot happened in 2021 and I'm glad we're all moving on but to be truthful, I'm scared. I always am at the start of every new year. Things happen, things change, there's new advancements. It's terrifying. The march of time is always going on and on, no matter what, and I feel like I haven't done enough this year, in all senses of the phrase. So to those who feel the same, it'll be OK, you don't have to do much actively to do a lot passively. I have no idea if that makes sense.

Either way, I hope you all have had a wonderful 2021, well done on making through the year, and I hope you're even happier when I make another post like this in a year's time. Have fun, be yourselves, love yourself, goodbye <3

[beyond-far-horizons]

I try to rarely talk politics these days but I just want to say after four years of lies and dragging the UK’s name through the mud, Johnson has finally gotten what he allegedly wanted - the UK is out of Europe. 

No freedom of movement for me and millions of others, increase in racism, UK significantly poorer and meaner than in 2016 all to serve some a**hole Tories and their cronies need for aggrandisement and to evade EU standards.

There’s so much that went into this - Russian and Right-wing deception, the Billionaire press gaslighting us - Brexit was a test for T*ump - that’s been confirmed by key journalists as well as some people on the other side too. 

We were lied to again and again, we were never allowed a second vote despite Vote Leave being fined millions for breaking the law and election rules - they were referred to the police who did nothing ‘for political reasons’. We never had a Mueller style investigation despite confirmed reports of Russian meddling. Most of the UK still don’t know about this because our Press is either controlled by the government or by billionaires like Rupert Murdoch (also owner of Fox News) who hate the EU. The same men lauded as ‘men of the people’ like Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are privately educated and wealthy. Jacob Rees Mogg is a tophat and monocle-wearing Dickensian villain who a few days ago (despite apparently being a devout Christian) accused UNICEF of ‘playing politics’ when he was told they are now having to feed children in the UK for the first time because of the greedy, disastrous policies of his despicable government. 

All of these characters have continued their reign of incompetence and greed through the pandemic - their mistakes causing the UK to have one of the world’s highest death tolls whilst they have used the crisis to literally steal from us, siphoning billions in un-tendered contracts to firms run by their mates often with no or little experience in the field.

I could go on, there’s so many levels of sh*t to this but what I will say is that I pray one day that these a**holes get what they deserve, that they pay the full weight of karma for their lies, incompetence and greed and everyone sees them for what they truly are.

The EU may not be perfect but we were a part of it, we helped found it and the other member states are our allies, not these made-up enemies!

I will always be European in my heart and though I see myself a world citizen above all, I still want to show people that most of the people of the UK are against this and we are not all ignorant racist sh*ts and Johnson and co do not represent us. 

[mwolf0epsilon]

Fic request: Miss Twisted trying desperately to woo Alice Angel and ends up both embarrassing herself and making herself seem endearing.

Summary: Romance is a lot harder than her radio dramas make it out to be, but Miss Twisted won't be deterred from wooing the girl of her dreams. Lucky for her, she has some outside intervention.

---

[[MORE]]

It was a little like how one of her dramas began. Though, hard as nails, femme fatale goes into a seedy bar with her buds to scope out the local birds. The three are losing the flirting battle because none of the dames think they're classy enough to get with them for a one night hookup, and then as if by miraculous coincidence an angel steps out into the stage. Literally.

Miss Twisted liked the concept behind a romantic relationship. It drove her absolutely giddy with delight when she kicked back to listen to her afternoon radio soaps. She was just never lucky enough to find the sort of gal that'd fly with her.

Sure, hooking up for some hanky panky filled night was fun and all, but it lacked the emotional depth of a romantic partner to get all sweet with and do all of those cute couple things she saw the folks of Bouillonburg doing to woo their significant others.

Brute and Cameraman were good company sure, but unless they started going around in drag she doubted she'd find either attractive. Also they were more like her brothers so, ew, no... And honestly the idea of Cam in a dress was gag worthy. Brute might make it work, he had the badonkadonks to fill the front of a dress very nicely.

Shaking her head, Missy winced.

"Shoulda started with a few virgins rather than straight up vodka..." She contemplated as she pushed away her last glass.

"Lightweight." Cam teased as he chugged straight out of a whiskey bottle... Somehow. She had no idea how he could drink without a mouth and watching him did little to provide an answer. "Bar's full of snobby wenches tonight. Not even a lady of my caliber in sight..."

"They host ugly nights on Thursdays." She stuck her tongue out at him and yelped when he pulled her stool back, nearly causing her to fall.

"It is Thursday. And just because you 'fleshies' don't think us object toons are pleasing to the eye, doesn't mean we're not beautiful." He seemed cross. "Don't need my own friends being a bunch of obnoxious racists..."

"You know I don't really mean it, you square." She signalled the barman for another round. "You're cute honestly, just not my type."

"Cute? I'm very handsome thank you very much! Back in my home town everyone thought I was quite the catch!" He huffed proudly before looking around. "Not much of your type around either... The ladies here only have eyes for the men."

"And the men only have eyes for the ladies. Poor Bubu, been a while since he's had some fun..." She glanced at the large burly wolf who was collecting olives from the martini glasses he'd been drinking. He looked resigned to a night of zero bedroom fun.

"Hasn't it been for all of us?" He downed the rest of his bottle and covered his faceplate as he belched. "Pardon me."

"You burp like a little girl." The demoness teased again as she picked up her new glass and turned to face the stage. The previous act had finally come to an end, and she was curious to see who else had signed up to entertain the local drunkards.

That's when she came into the stage... The most dazzling vision Miss Twisted did ever lay eyes upon. A beautiful curvy hourglass figure accentuated by a tight black dress, a round heart shaped face that fit plump lips and large doe-like soulfull eyes, ebony locks that framed her face nicely, a pair of stubby curved horns upon her head, and a brilliant halo that cast her in an ethereal glow...

Miss Twisted felt cupid's arrow pierce her heart as this wonderfully beau walked towards the microphone, an angel among sinners.

"Wow mama..." Color flooded her already flushed cheeks as the act began. Eyes glued on sensually swaying hips and kissable lips moving to form syllables... Oh and that voice! That splendurous voice! Like a siren's song to her ears.

Cameraman squinted as he turned to look.

"That little lady looks familiar..." He hummed.

"She's gorgeous..." Missy giggled as she practically drooled watching the angel on the stage. Cameraman looked at his friend and sighed, before turning to look at Brute who was also watching the little demoness with an inquisitive look. The object-headed toon shook his head and simply ordered another bottle. It took a lot to get him drunk, and alcohol was honestly such weak stuff... He sure wished more establishments in Bouillonburg served his kind of drinks.

The wolf shrugged his shoulders and asked for his own refill. Best not get in the way of his female friend's thirsting.

-

The angel was quite the gal indeed. And, it turns out, a close friend of Missy's old pal! Why, the naughty little Imp was even at the bar to watch his lady friend do her magic on this deplorable crowd of drunkards and bastards. That, the demoness found out when a pained yelp came from her right.

She glanced down and grinned.

"Trying to pickpocket Cameraman doesn't work too good, that belt of his is booby trapped~" she giggled menacingly as she stared down at none other than Bendy. Papa Pluto's most favourite little troublemaker.

"Oh, hey Misty. Didn't see ya there..." The little imp shook off the shock he'd just received, glancing up at the glare of the object-headed toon's lens. "This uh... This your friend?"

"Yep."

"Ah... He can keep his wallet then. Any more buds o' yours around?" He grinned sheepishly.

They both pointed at Brute who was definitely listening in, as he suddenly noticed the absence of weight on his back pocket.

The burly wolf growled at the imp, smirking when he quickly tossed him his wallet back.

"Sheesh... What a bruiser." Bendy turned to look back at Miss Twisted. "So what brings ya to these parts of our lovely little city?"

"Lust." Missy replied. "Gotta scratch that itch sometimes... Been pretty unlucky on that front tho."

"Yeah, the birds here ain't bein' easy... Poor Alice there is as cute as a button, and so far no one went and tried to woo her other than a bunch of slobberin' wolves... Err, not actual wolves mind ya. Just wolf-whistlers." He corrected himself, glancing at Brute very briefly.

"A friend of yours?" Missy asked.

"Yep! The dame on the stage, movin' her butt like there's no tomorrow. Got pipes made o' gold that one." He pointed to the angel, which made Missy gawk.

"You're friends with that gal?!" She stared at the object of her affections, then at the tiny round imp like she couldn't believe his words.

"Yeah we are pretty tight." He grinned wider. "Been tryin' to teach her to loosen up, Boris and I. That's my other bud... He's somewhere around here."

Cameraman and Brute both lost interest in the conversation and went back to drinking. They seemed to be ready to call it quits soon since they weren't going to get any action tonight.

"Bringing an angel to a dump like this sure seems like the way to loosen up..." The demoness remarked sarcastically.

"Hey she's havin' fun, ain't she?" Bendy defended as he motioned to Alice who did seem like she was enjoying herself. "And not many other bars in this town have birds on birds and brutes on brutes... Best place for her to meet a gal that'll want to have some fun with her."

"Oooh..." The demoness's arms coiled tightly with merriment as she took in those words. Available and her type? Lucky lucky day! "I'm down to mingle with your gal pal, if you know what I mean... She seems like more than a one night splendor."

"Hey hey hey!" Bendy hopped onto the stool to the left of her. "My gal Alice ain't some piece o' eye candy you get to slobber on and discard. She's like, a super fine wine. Good with age, refined, quality."

".... Bendz, I just said I wanted more than just some fun. I'm looking for a partner, not just a patty cake one night stand."

"Oh... Hm, still how do I know ya won't corrupt my pal? That's my job!" The imp crossed his arms, brow creased slightly.

"Because she's perfect! Duh?" She rolled her eyes. "I want a girl that I can sweep off her feet and whisper sweet nothings into her ear."

"Uh-huh... And?" Bendy was all ears it seemed, so she was definitely going to sell it. Brute and Cameraman glanced back with renewed interest. This ought to be good entertainment.

"If I dated her, I can guarantee your gal Alice would wake up knowing I'd be there to make her happy. To shower her in love, affection, and fantastic gifts. The next more grand than the very last one..." She carried on. "I'd take her to see the world, sail the seven seas on a cruise ship, traverse the skies in a hot hair balloon, ride across the country side on horseback, and scale the tallest mountains so she could see the stars and awe inspiring views..."

Bendy snickered slightly and Cameraman began to tap her on the shoulder. She swatted his hand away.

"Tell me more of how you'd go about wooing Alice." Bendy smirked.

"After all the grand adventures, I'd go back to do the small things. Wake up besides her, watching her rest before I roused her with more sweet nothings. I'd bring her breakfast in bed, lovingly prepared to her tastes. I'd massage her ankles after they ached from dancing to her heart's delight. I'd make her feel like the most special girl in the whole entire world if just so I could drink in her smile, hear her sweet voice call my name..."

"Aww, Bendy you didn't tell me your friend was so sweet..."

Miss Twisted clamped her mouth shut as she turned to stare at the reason Cameraman was trying to get her attention. The reason why Bendy looked so amused by her gushing... Why that little no good devil...

"I ah..." Face flushed more from embarrassment than the alcohol she'd drank, Missy did not know how to salvage this mess she'd just made, proclaiming an imagined future of romance with the angel that was standing there, smiling at her besides an awfully familiar looking gangly wolf.

"So... Any plans for when you get married?" Cameraman asked. "Need a wedding photographer?"

"Cam, so help me Pluto I will end you..." She hissed, hiding her face in her hands.

"Cameraman try to warn Missy that pretty angel coming over." Brute pointed out, laughing heartily at her misfortune.

"Eheheh! Well Alice, am I or am I not the greatest wingman in history?" Bendy grinned mischievously at his two pals.

"You uh... You didn't need to embarrass this poor lady, Bendy..." The wolf winced in sympathy, despite seeming nervous when looking at the trio. He especially avoided the object-headed toon's scrutiny, messing with the straps of his overalls when the other began to murmur about familiar looking faces.

"Still... All those things you said miss..." Alice smiled "They were very nice. I haven't really found that many other ladies who wanted to actually date. People these days are all about quick thrilling hookups rather than old school romance."

"Yeah, it's a real shame ain't it?" Missy gulped down her shame, smiling back at the beautiful angel. "I mean, just look at you! You deserve all that I said, and more! Who would just discard you like chewed up gum? A madwoman that's who!"

"Such a charmer... I like it." Alice giggled. "I think... I think I'd like to get to know you. I'm Alice. Alice Angel."

"Miss Twisted. I'd definitely like to get to know you."

Cameraman sighed.

"How sweet... At least one of us got something out of this dang bar..."

"Brute got many olives." The large wolf pointed out. Everyone stared at the little bag he'd filled with olives. That was... That sure was a lot.

"That you did big fella... That you did."

[what-is-your-plan-today]

My ramblings and thoughts on US Election day...

Someone on our early morning work call asked me why I was concerned enough about the election to take tomorrow morning off so I could watch it live this evening in the UK. And more so I was given the line again about Trump being better for the UK Post Brexit than Biden would.

Maybe he would be, I don't know, but my response was simple. You see, watching the American election as a Brit is like watching a giraffe on fire running through a fireworks factory. There’s nothing you can do about it, you can’t stop thinking about it and it’s really concerning because you live next to the fireworks factory.

Given the state of our own piss poor Government and Brexit, the thought of Trump getting back in petrifies me for 2 main reasons.

One

I dread to think what fucking 'relationship' BoJo and Trump will continue to forge going forward and how this will impact the utter shit storm that is Brexit.

Back in 2017 when Darth Mayder was PM, she visited the White House and a number of things were discussed, one of which was Brexit. Trump's advice involved Britain threatening to leave the EU within 90 days, intimidating Brussels “with litigation” and embarking on a fast-track US-UK trade deal. In other words, he wanted a rapid hard Brexit. And he did so with 2 motives. The first was mercantilist. Maybot's plan would have forced Britain to conform to Europe’s tariff schedule during a transition period of two years — and likely for far longer. That would have killed American appetite to parley with the UK. Not to mention it would have diluted British food rules to permit mass US imports and scrapped the National Health Service’s role as a price setter, rather than a price taker, for pharmaceuticals.

Such a deal might have been possible before the US midterm elections. But Democrats made it clear they would block any US-UK trade deal if a border reappeared between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland...well shit...would ya look at this.

Who could possibly have thought it?

So whilst Trump's 'advice' is now kind of irrelevant as were 3 years into the whole bollocks process now anyway, I'd LOVE to watch the Tories and Brexit voting wankers crawl their way outta this hole if Biden does get in and the Democrats do indeed stick by their statement. Because a greater relationship with our US cousins was banded as a huge pro from Brexit...

L O L.

And yes, it probably would make things worse for the UK in the long run...possibly...as we can't reverse Brexit now as far as I'm aware, but im sick of being told to "get over it" and "concentrate on coming together to rebuild and make Britain great again" (yes, that IS the slogan used). Well, I didn't burn the house down, so you can fucking rebuild it yourselves.

And then we move to Trump's second motive for wanting Britain to act like cunts in Brexit- the fact his kindred spirit is Nigel Farage. A man who makes Boris look like a cuddly little kitten. He's a vile right wing racist and Trump gives that fuckwit credibility. Which is bad. Very bad in my eyes.

Two

Linked to above, we have SHEEP in this country. And I don't mean the 4 legged type that give us wool. I mean the idiots that merely repeat rhetoric. That swallow right-wing bullshit without so much as a fact check. That believe immigration to be the cause of all ills. That call all Muslims terrorists. That have no respect for anyone outside their little white, Nazi-saluting communities. That you could literally smack in the face with every, single FACT known to man and they'd still dismiss it and tell you that "Islamics are taking over."

The master race, ladies and gents.

Whilst Trump has been in charge, here in the UK that's rocketed, as the ideology is echoed by the Tories and other RW parties who cite him as "having the right ideas." Biden might not be perfect, but him getting in shuts that bollocks down once and for all.

So, to summarise, I sincerely hope that after 4 years of that lunatic running the asylum so to speak the votes go the right way...or should that be left, you get my drift.

My thoughts are with you, and my friends who I spoke to early this morning/last night in Texas, Cambridge and Florida who are all preparing for a shit storm.

I'm with you all... don't fuck it up like we did, please.

Coz maybe if you don't I might escape and come live over in NE...

[xenoredux]

Balto but its been rewritten 24 years after its release

Okay so here's the Balto rewrite lol. It's quite a bit different then The Actual Thing but the plot itself is much the same, as are the major beats of the story. I dropped a lotta goofy shit in there just because it made me laugh, but try and imagine this stuff happening as if it's from an actual 90s movie made by a studio on its last legs.

Some things to know going into it:

I cut out the live actions segments because they seriously didn't matter at all. Like, who cares. The plot is fine without them and I don't think that one line from Rosie at the end makes a huge difference. I guess it's nice to see the statue but even than it's like..... whatever

In my fantasy world, Balto was a standalone movie that didn't spark any sequels. Eventually I'll write out my version of the sequels if they'd actually been good, but in the universe of this rewrite for this film, a Balto "franchise" never existed, hence why the ending is sorta different

It's still a "historical" fiction that holds very little relation to the actual events. There's a touch more actual history in there, but c'mon. You're not reading talking dog movie fanfic to learn anything. Pick up a book if you care about the actual serum run and don't get on my juicy ass about it if some things remain inaccurate

Please also note that I didn't baby this as much as I should have, so some major plot elements that are kinda stupid are likely still in there (I'm not a good writer lbr). I don't believe this is necessarily "better" then the OG, I just tweaked some stuff that always pissed me off about it. I also re-included cut content I thought was more interesting and made more sense then what we ended up getting. 

There's also a handful of fake screenshots throughout for shits and giggles, and I'll likely have at least one or two more to share later this month. Some links to past character designs are also provided for easy reference so you can make up scenes in your head but with Brand Spankin’ New Designz.

So here's Balto v2.0!

The year is 1925, and it's wintertime in Nome, Alaska. Two dogsled teams are participating in a race. A malamute named Steele leads his team against a powerful, but older and more experienced mutt named Wild Joe. Steele, despite being a decorated and much beloved champion lead dog, is a massive dick, and he snaps at a critical moment at one of Joe's teammates. Joe's team wipes out, his chances of winning are in shambles, and Steele is waaay in the lead.

A flare is shot into the air to let the enthused waiting townsfolk know that Steele's team has passed the race's 3 mile mark. Meanwhile, watching from his perch on the balcony of a house, a wolfdog named Balto excitedly bounds back and forth, unable to contain his excitement. He simply cannot sit still despite the protests of his closest friend Boris, an old Russian-Jewish goose who isn't a fan of all the excitement. Balto drags Boris around the roofs of the houses, ignoring his chiding all the while, until he can see the finish line of the race.

Back down on Earth, a young girl named Rosie is inside a woodworker's shop. She's receiving a gift she adores: a beautiful handmade sled, perfectly fitted to her size. The sled includes a harness in front that also perfectly fits her dog, a purebred copper Siberian husky named Jenna. Rosie's parents playfully lecture her to not lose the sled like she loses her other belongings. Almost as quickly as she receives the sled, Rosie and Jenna are trotting down the street in their new getup.

Jenna comes to rest in the race's sidelines among a group of other female dogs. The smallest of them all, a Pomeranian named Dixie, chides Jenna for allowing herself to be made a sled dog, even if it is in the spirit of make believe. After all, a canine of her slender frame and social standing shouldn't be performing manual labor. Jenna sighs at her friend's internalized misogyny and eugenics talk, rolling her eyes as if to say "oh you!"

Nor should someone of her persuasion be meeting up with any strays, Dixie continues while going on to show her racist side, for Balto and Boris have just plodded up to the group. The other girls scoff and huff at Balto's arrival, but Jenna and Rosie both are glad to see him. Rosie gives the wolfdog a hug, telling him to keep outta sight of The Parental Units. Just then, Steele's team rounds the corner, and Rosie waves her hat at them as if it's a foam finger and this is the most arduous baseball game in history. A sudden gust of wind picks up her hat and sweeps it into the path of the oncoming team. Rosie begins to panic and, while Jenna soothes her, Balto runs out alongside the advancing sled team to retrieve it.

Balto manages to snag and deliver the hat before Steele passes the finish line, which visibly upsets Steele. His owner speaks to the man who leads Wild Joe's team. He seems unimpressed with Steele's performance, enough so that Wild Joe's owner admits it's likely time that Joe was retired. The two imply that if a sled dog can't even outrun Steele, it's time for him to hang up his harness, even if he is wearing a bitchin' little number they speak in awe of called "A Golden Collar", a veritable necklace of medals awarded to sled dogs who have proven they don't suck. As one can imagine, this pisses Steele off something fierce. He gazes into the reflection of his face in his own golden collar, getting a bit of anger-saliva on it in the process.

The important thing, of course, is that Balto managed to save Rosie's hat. Jenna thanks him and playfully teases him about how nuts he'd have to be to do something like run alongside a car made of dogs, to which the quiet Balto just smiles. Rosie's dad isn't smiling very much, though, because all he saw was the town's favorite punching bag running wild with his daughter's hat. He swears at Balto and kicks snow his way, spooking him into running off down the street. Rosie's dad herds his child away, scolding her for playing with wild animals, while Jenna tries to follow her friend. Unable to recognize where he's not wanted, Steele blocks Jenna's path and starts flexing about his elite gamer/sledding skills. The other girl dogs can barely contain their ovaries around him, but Jenna just politely excuses herself as Steele begins spouting off insensitive remarks about "the howler from the cannery".

But Balto's not going home just yet. He knows exactly how to navigate the neighborhood and find his companion. Boris complains about the cold and how much he's walked around today, so he pisses off back to to their place. Balto simply shrugs and wanders until he finds Jenna again. He trails behind her, hiding in various places along the street as Jenna follows her masters home. Jenna talks passionately about how she'd love to do something big and hella just to show up guys like Steele. Balto encouragingly comments on how he's sure she'd be the best at whatever she did, and she smiles at him in a particularly heterosexual way.

Eventually the two part ways, and Balto decides it's time to go home. As he trots along, he notices a glove that Rosie dropped. He smiles and rolls his eyes as he picks it up and turns to head to Jenna's and give it back. Unfortunately for him, Steele's ego bruises like a banana and heals just about as well, so the meat-headed malamute has dragged along his team to harass the town's token minority once he was alone. The only dog on the team who seems against harassing someone for something they can't control is Star, Steele's smaller, weaker, more cowardly little brother. Steele jeers at Star for being too much of a puss to participate in the g-rated hate crime before rolling a barrel in Balto's direction. Balto's bowled over by it and falls face first into a bucket.

Steele's team howls with laughter, then literally howls in an effort to insult Balto. The words "howler" and "feral" are thrown around a lot as Balto struggles to free his face from the pail. He never manages to, and before Steele can harass him some more, his musher calls out for him and the rest of the team. Steele calls his men to his side and makes his way out. The only one who trails behind is Star, who gingerly pops the bucket off of Balto's head. The two stare wordlessly at each other for a moment, the stunned Balto dwarfing the underdeveloped Star, before Star gets too scared to stay any longer and books it. Balto looks around himself for Rosie's mitten, but he can't find it. He sighs and begins heading towards the harbor.

As Balto walks through the cannery, the other stray and unloved dogs take notice of him and begin jeering at him. Despite how pitiful-looking they are, almost all of them feel the need to tell Balto in livid detail about just how shit he is in comparison because of his wolf heritage. Those who don't jeer hateful words hole up and hide from him as he passes them by.

Boris takes notice of Balto returning home, and he goes to wave to him with his one good wing before noticing something peculiar on the hill by the shoreline: wolves! A small pack of wolves take notice of Balto. They even begin howling to him. It's clear that they're inviting him to join their DnD party, and for a tense moment Boris is afraid Balto will run after them. But Balto simply shrinks away, shaking his head. His shoulders slump and he makes his way to the wrecked boat he and Boris live on.

Boris attempts to cheer Balto up with some wAcKy SlApStIcK cOmEdY before having to realize that harming himself is increasingly silly ways will not cure Balto's bigotry induced depression. He slumps against Balto as the two notice a flock of geese flying overhead. Balto asks Boris what it was like in "the old country", and Boris soothes in the most Russian voice ever conceived what are likely concerns he's heard many times before by assuring Balto he came to Alaska for good reason because the old country sucked. He also assures Balto that the busted wing he has was the best thing that ever happened to him, because it meant he got to live in Nome and find that lonely wolfdog kid those several years back. Balto can't help but crack a smile.

When the sun has gone down, Balto begins to leave the hovel he calls home. Boris reminds him to be careful on his nightly excursion to find food, to which Balto merely smiles and nods. He pads past the sleeping cannery dogs and back towards town.

Meanwhile, Jenna is sitting outside of the hospital doorway. She watches as her masters lead Rosie inside. Rosie's gotten a nasty cough, and she makes an odd wheezing noise when she breathes. As mom and pop speak to the very busy doctor, Rosie gazes out the window at Jenna, waving and smiling at her. Jenna stands up excitedly, but feels her heart sink into her stomach as Rosie has the sort of coughing fit a Flintstone's chewable can't fix. Her parents come to lead her away from the window. Jenna tries her damnedest to find a way to peer inside from around the back. There is a window, but she's unable to reach it, even as she's standing on her hind legs.

Balto, dirty from digging around in garbage, spots Jenna's vibrant red coat from across the way. He calls out to her softly, and though she does acknowledge his greeting, she barely responds. This concerns Balto, and he comes to join her under the window. She explains that she wants to see in, and Balto allows her to climb up and stand on his back to do so. She obliges, too worried about Rosie's well-being to thank him, and gazes longingly inside.

She climbs down from Balto a beat later, saying how she wishes she could understand what was happening in there. Most of what went on was just the doctor talking. Balto pauses and thinks for a moment, and then tells Jenna he has an idea. He leads her around to the boiler room placed adjunct to the hospital where the doctor's dog, a St. Bernard appropriately named Doc, spends his nights. The two make their way inside.

Doc is in fact there, snoring like a buzz-saw on crack. Balto gently wakes him up, and at first he's both annoyed to be woken and offput by The Wolfdog being in his face, but when Jenna explains the situation to him he becomes much more amiable. He leads the two over to the crawlspace under the hospital, stating there's far too much of him to love to allow him to fit under with them. Balto and Jenna thank him and go inside.

The two creep through the creepy underside of the hospital until they find themselves under a grate beneath the doctor's desk. The doctor discusses with the nurses how the children of Nome have diphtheria, a fast acting, aggressive disease that causes fatal epidemics. The anti-toxin he was able to treat the first few cases with has run out, and without it, all infected children will surely die within two weeks' time.

Jenna is unsurprisingly distraught at the idea of her favorite person on the planet dying a slow, painful death, so she scrambles out of the crawlspace and begins crying. Balto follows close behind her to see that Doc has already begun to comfort her. He apologizes for bringing Jenna here, to which Jenna states she's glad he did. Aside from Jenna's gentle sobbing, all is silent for a moment. Suddenly, a loud crash can be heard outside. Everyone turns to see Steele and his dogs have come back to ruin another scene. Doc becomes upset at the sudden influx of uninvited guests crowding up his personal space, so he goes to alert the doctor and get them all the fuck outta there. Meanwhile, the team menaces Balto while Steele tries to impress Jenna by pulling Rosie's missing mitten out of his collar. He offers to walk Jenna home to deliver it to her family as the team, lead by a pitifully unintimidating Star, back a snarling Balto into the corner.

Jenna's obviously not interested in Dog Gaston's posturing, but she's also got an IQ higher then 6 and understands that he's not going to go away simply because she asks him to. As Balto watches from out the corner of his eye, Jenna flirtatiously backs Steele into the glowing red boiler. She mutters something about meatballs under her breath as Steele begins to howl and shriek in pain. The smell of burning dog ass and the cries of a defeated jock archetype alert people to the scene, and all the dogs begin to scatter. Balto and Jenna try to join the reverse flash mob, but Steele flings himself hard into Balto and forces all of them to stumble. Lanterns shine in the literal dogpile's direction. Steele refuses to get off of Balto, so Balto insists that Jenna get away. She forgets about Rosie's mitten, which Balto snags to keep away from Steele's posturing self, and the men finally descend upon the dogs.

Someone pulls Steele off of Balto, and he begins making as if he's injured, intentionally limping and stumbling melodramatically around. The men start to make a fuss about the wolfdog injuring the town's best runner when one of them, Rosie's dad, notices his daughter's missing mitten in Balto's mouth. He begins yelling and kicking at the dog, going on about how he's dangerous and he'd better not go anywhere near his child ever again. Balto tucks tail and barrels out of town, and all the men stroke a miraculously healed Steele to compensate for the trauma of being attacked by a dog half his size.

As Balto pounds pavement, he passes the telegraph office, wherein an important message is being sent. A request for more anti-toxin to treat the epidemic is being relayed, and in it are the details of why this situation is uniquely urgent: the Alaskan winter is doing its worst, bringing blizzards severe enough that ships and planes alike cannot manage to deliver the medicine. Nome's best bet becomes obvious: use a train to deliver the medicine as closely to Nome as they can, then set up relay teams of sled dogs to receive and deliver the anti-toxin.

The morning after the message has been sent, the town organizes a race to test which dogs in town have the highest stats in stamina, speed, and agility. Almost every husky in town is lined up to race... all except a very upset Jenna, who keeps insisting the other dogs make room for her. Some dogs look at her with concern. Others laugh. But most of them seem convinced that her place is here in Nome, keeping her people company and not chipping any of her nails. Dixie tries to lead Jenna away from the race, but Jenna's so pissed that she angrily stomps away from the race altogether.

Balto, who has been hiding around town this whole time, slips out of the shadows to meet her. She vents loudly to him about being disallowed to participate because of the snot-nosed chauvinists running the race. If Balto didn't know the depth of her conviction before, he certainly does now; she begins to cry angry tears over what will happen to Rosie.

Balto can't stand to see a grown womandog cry, but he's worried about what will happen if he tries to line up with the other dogs. Everyone believes he attacked Steele, after all. Nobody would tolerate him joining the race... at least, not while they're all there. He wordlessly slips away from Jenna, assuring her he has a plan. In a moment he's disappeared. The race is about to start, and Boris has hobbled into town. He goes over to Jenna and begins complaining about how Balto didn't come home last night. Jenna tells him it's a long story, but that she's sure he'll turn up again soon. Maybe. Hopefully.

The starting gun is fired off, and the dogs take off with the speed and accuracy of drunken Nascar drivers. Just as soon as they've all bolted, Balto boltos past the starting line right in tow, which causes some reasonable upset among the crowd given word of Steele's definitely-real-not-made-up scuffle with the wolfdog has spread fast.

Despite the jeering Balto is faced with, he continues on. By this point, Jenna and Boris have noticed him running, and they begin to cheer him on as they scramble to keep up with him. Turns out wolves and their relatives are pretty fast.

In contrast to the other dogs, Balto's saving grace isn't just his speed, but his ingenuity. Balto breaks off of the track as he begins advancing on the dogs in an effort to avoid their snarling and snapping at him. He shows his cleverness by traversing obstacles like frozen ponds, hanging pulleys, and crumbling wooden beams that bridge buildings, all while maintaining pace with the other dogs. Any townsfolk who are capable of seeing him are too impressed with his abilities to remember his alleged attempted dogmurder.

To the surprise of literally nobody reading this, Balto manages to cross the finish line before anybody else, which includes an especially tilted Steele. Unexpectedly, several townsfolk cheer for our parkour-loving protagonist, and Balto's face lights up in pleasure, having never experienced praise from basically any human person.

Steele and Wild Joe's mushers come around to give Balto the once over, discussing how he'd be an invaluable asset to any team. Joe's musher believes he'd made a good replacement for Joe now that that dog's been laid off of his animaljob. Balto ingratiates his coy self with a gentle tail wag, and Steele has literally never been more angry in his life. His ego as sore as a freshly kicked-in face, Steele looks around for some way to prove Balto is totes nasty. A toothy grin spreads across his face as he spots Jenna leading a hobbling Boris over, and he quickly rushes the goose and snags him up, carrying him away.

Balto doesn't like seeing his surrogate feathered father being doghandled, so he snarls and chases after Steele, startling the men. The men follow Balto, who is following Steele, who is following his own evil agenda. Steele tosses Boris off the nearby harbor, and the bird struggles to collect himself in the icy water. Balto rushes Steele, still snarling. This spooks Steele's musher, and he begins throwing rocks at Balto. The man tells the wolfdog to stay away from his animal, and he states to Wild Joe's musher why Balto would be useless as a sled dog: he can't manage to get along with other canines. He's too wild. The two men collect Steele and depart as Balto similarly collects Boris, who is little more then a honking popsicle by now.

As Balto begins carrying Boris home, Jenna stops him and asks what happened. Balto gruffly states that Jenna's master would be angry to see her speaking to him. After all, he doesn't get along with other dogs given how wild he is. Jenna is so surprised by her friend lashing out at her that she can't speak, and she watches solemnly and wordlessly as Balto and Boris make like Rosie's health and disappear.

That night, the relay teams are being dispatched. The electric cross hanging on the church steeple is turned on - the pastor says that so long as there's hope for the children, the light will stay lit and the electric bill will stay high - and a handful of teams are sent out, including Steele's. The sick children watch from inside the hospital. Jenna watches from her new favorite spot just under one of the hospital's front windows, her face contorted in worry. From his ship, Balto ignores Boris's cacophanic snoring as he watches the teams head out. He gives a sigh.

A day passes as the relay teams power through the awful weather. Steele's team receives the medicine from another team who just had it delivered to them by train. Now Steele's gang is intended to deliver the medicine once again to the team of a dog named Togo. Unfortunately, Steele's unwarranted self-importance prevents this, as he dislikes the idea of not being the guy to deliver the goods to town. He tells Star that he doesn't need to follow the rules of the relay - he knows the way home and he can do this himself. He intentionally ignores the path to Togo and drags his team helplessly onward, and none of them but Star are any the wiser.

The governor's dog calls a meeting in the boiler room for all the other dogs in town. It's been longer then the townsfolk expected it to take for the meds to arrive, and everyone is getting ants in their collective pants. Balto watches the meeting from outside a window to maintain some discreetness. Doc tries to calm everybody down once they begin panicking, but they're all too much in a tizzy thinking about what will happen to the kids to hear him. Suddenly, the rabbling of the crowd is halted when a sharp, reverberating bark cuts through the noise. Everyone turns to the door.

In the doorframe stands the tall, bulky silhouette of an unknown beefcake. The dog steps into the light, and Wild Joe finally announces his presence verbally and not just cinematically. He informs the dogs that he's had a lot of time to wander since being unharnessed, and tonight he wandered by the telegraph office. He's a gifted enough fella to understand Morse code and the hopeless sighs of an old man sending 1800s text messages, and he informs the dogs that Steele's team broke the relay chain. Nobody knows where they are, which means, more importantly, nobody knows where the medicine is. Wild Joe suggests that the dogs make peace with the passing of their childfolk before he steps back outside and disappears into the snowy night.

Whatever the dogs inside the boiler room are saying, Balto can't hear it. Not just because their voices are drowning each other out, but because he's stricken with too much grief to care. Rosie has only been getting worse. What's going to happen to her?

Meanwhile in the hospital, the doctor is managing as well as one can to explain to the parents of the sick children that their one hope of salvation may or may not be lost to the elements forever. This barely registers with the horribly ill Rosie who, despite being in the same room as a doctor forcing her parents to confront her mortality, is now too sick to lift her head from her pillow. In an effort to afford their child a sliver of comfort, Rosie's folks allows Jenna into her room. Jenna pads loyally over to her girl, and for just a second Rosie's eyes flutter open. "Jenna?" is all she can manage to wheeze out before passing back into unconsciousness. Jenna gloomily rests her head on her owner's chest, whimpering softly.

Balto pads through town. Nobody is really out at night anymore. They're all crowding the hospital to keep close to their children. Balto's main goal is to find Jenna, to discuss this horrible thing with her, but he's distracted as he passes by the woodworker's shop. The same jolly man who had made Rosie her bitchin' new sled was now hunched sadly over a new, much less bitchin', much more morbid project: tiny coffins, each no bigger then 4 feet tall. A small collection of them has formed in a corner of the room. Balto shakes his head and gasps, breaking out of a stupor he was not previously aware he was in. Something has to be done.

The morning sun is peaking out over the horizon when Balto begins to depart from his home. He trots down from the harbor and along the shoreline, aiming to enter the forest the teams left through. Boris is plodding behind him, slipping around on frozen patches of sea water and flopping around in puddles of slush. He's going on and on, trying desperately to convince Balto not to waste his efforts on a town of people who'd be perfectly happy if he were dead. Balto doesn't reply, instead flashing Boris a solemn look. His eyes light up with new intention, and he grabs Boris by the beak, dragging him along as the old goose honks angrily.

Balto releases Boris as the two come to the back of the hospital. Jenna, who had once again settled out front, hears the commotion of the intensely pissed off bird wailing and honking. Balto wordlessly releases Boris, and just before Boris can complain further, Jenna comes over to the two. She and Balto share one miserable, knowing look before Jenna begins to cry. She presses her face into Balto's neck, weeping softly into his fur. Another child is herded into the hospital by a concerned parent. The girl wheezes and shakes violently as the door closes behind her. Boris looks on, all anger having subsided. 

Instead, he says in a very business-like tone that Balto needs to hurry up if he's going to find the lost team. And he shouldn't keep Boris waiting. Boris is an old man who hates waiting more then he hates traveling. Boris begins to waddle off back towards the forest, and Balto can't help but smile. Jenna presses the pause button on crying long enough to ask what Boris means, to which Balto states that neither he nor his old man can stand idly by any longer.

Jenna understands, and she insists that the two allow her to come with them. It pains her to leave Rosie, but the child is barely ever awake at this point, and inaction won't make the situation better. Balto's smile grows wider, and the three take off to find the missing team themselves.

Hours pass. The three haven't ceased their journey, nor does it seem they've given up hope. Boris certainly has got a lot to bitch about, though. And he does this loudly and frequently as Balto and Jenna lead the way, exchanging words. Jenna vents about how it's ludicrous that Steele, a gloryhound who loves the smell of his own farts, was even selected to do the relay given how hard he is to handle. Balto agrees, if a bit softly. Jenna interrogates him gingerly, asking what happened the day of the race. Balto admits that the townsfolk have gone even more sour on him as of late, and that he's been genuinely afraid to be around anybody now... except for Jenna, of course. Jenna reassures him with the same viciously heterosexual smile as before that she'll stand by him no matter what. Balto can't help but smile back.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the frozen over Hell that is Alaska, Steele is blindly trying to redirect his team onto the trail, but the trail has long gone from his sight. Star, exhausted and growing antsier by the minute, suggests turning around and going back; it's totally obvious now that they're lost. Steele buckles for just a moment before snapping at his brother about how he knows where he's going and, having just told the worst lie in history, begins running directionlessly through the blizzard.

Expectedly, this sends his team careening down into a gully he failed to notice on account of the whole reduced visibility thing. The sled tips over - though it seems the anti-toxin is still secured and unbroken - the musher falls out and hits his head on a rock, and the dogs tumble into a heap. Some of them are bruised. Some of them are worse. But nobody is dead, not even the flame dancing inside the musher's lantern. The only thing that looks dead is Steele's spirit. He stares wide eyed and panting as he realizes the team truly is lost. "What are we gonna do now, Steele?" Star asks hopelessly. Steele doesn't respond.

Night has fallen. It's cold as shit out in the forest, but the three musketeers haven't ceased their journeying yet. Boris, effectively feeding into every stereotype about old men ever, complains about how long this road trip has lasted. Neither Balto nor Jenna have the energy left to respond to him, so they don't. Boris gets huffy and says the kids can keep going if they want, but it's time for him to sleep. He decides to set up a nest on a large snowdrift, and Balto finally gets frustrated and turns to explain to Boris that there's no time to stop now. And then the snowdrift stands up.

A polar bear, hulking and powerful, is standing on its hind legs in front of the dogs. A screaming Russian goose is flapping around on the crown of its head, and the bear immediately begins trying to attack its winged hat. Balto leaps to his grandhonk's rescue, but the bear lands an easy hit on him and sends him flying. The goose isn't nearly as threatening as the wolfdog, so the bear turns to Balto, ready to tear him to pieces.

This understandably displeases Jenna, and she flings herself headlong into the bear to save her friends. She's more lithe and agile then Balto is, which makes it easy for her to dodge most of the bear's swings, but she's not as quick as Balto is, so she still ends up taking a pretty nasty blow to the legs. She flies across the forest floor and strikes Boris, knocking them both to the ground. Meanwhile, Balto's trying to deal with the bear situation on his own. He's not doing so hot, though, as the bear makes like a 90s sitcom bully and starts wailing on him. This sends Balto careening down a hill and across a frozen lake.

The bear quickly follows him. It doesn't seem to notice the ice below it cracking like splintering glass as it walks towards Balto, but Balto sure as hell does. And so do Jenna and Boris, who, despite their injuries, are scrambling to reach Balto before the ice gives. But they're too little too late. The bear takes another step and the busted ice snap crackle pops apart, taking the bear under as it shatters. Balto stumbles away from the gaping icehole that's growing larger and larger.

The bear is thrashing wildly around, foaming up the water and swinging its claws around in the air. Boris thinks fast and grabs Jenna's bandanna to toss out to Balto. As the bear struggles to grab both Balto and the edge of the ice, Balto snags hold of the bandanna and hangs on as his friends drag him from the freezing water. As Balto collapses to the ground, the bear's struggles begin to subside, and finally it drowns.

Balto is badly shaken, but ultimately unharmed. Jenna, however, bit total shit, and now that Balto is safe her strength has left her. Balto and Boris drag Jenna off the lake and lay her down. Balto lays down beside her, shivering hard from his time in the water. Without thinking about it, Jenna pulls herself on top of him, murmuring about how cold he is. Balto tries to argue she should go easy given her injury, but the two go silent instead, smiling gently at each other. Then Balto's eyes light up as he turns to Boris. He thanks the bird for not just saving him, but for coming along in the first place. Boris absolutely beams.

But his grin disappears when the dogs get up... and Jenna falls back down. Balto insists she's too hurt to continue the journey. After all, who knows when they'll find the team? Jenna tries to argue, but falters when Balto insists that without her help he'd be dead now, and he'd be devastated if something happened to her out here. Jenna asks Boris to take her back to Nome when she notices that he's waddled a short distance away. He's gazing intently at something, looking worried and guilty. Balto pads over to where Boris is staring into space to see what the fuss is about.

Turns out the fuss is about two hairy little things: twin polar bear cubs. One is slightly bigger then the other, though he may just be bigger boned then his brother. The two are huddled close to each other, whimpering and cooing. It's obvious they're very young, toddlers at most. "Oh no," murmurs Balto. The cubs gaze up at the two with wide, frightened eyes. Nobody has to guess what happened to their mother, and Balto feels himself overwhelmed with guilt too.

The cubs follow Boris closely as Balto goes back to Jenna. He tells her that he's sorry she can't continue the journey, but that she can help by keeping the bear cubs safe until they know what to do with them. Jenna agrees and the two smile warmly at each other. Jenna offers up her bandanna to Balto "to keep him warm" despite how small it is as Boris helps her onto a large tree branch. Boris begins instructing the cubs on how to help, going demanding grandad on them in record time, and Jenna wishes Balto good luck. Boris pulls Balto aside and, out of obligation to the source material, tells Balto that a dog cannot make such a journey alone... but maybe a wolf can. The group depart, leaving Balto by himself in the snow.

It's a snowy night in Nome. A somber mood hangs so thickly in the air that one can almost taste the chunky sadness. The streets are empty aside from one stray black mass. It's Wild Joe, makin' his way downtown. He passes the hospital and sees a child who is obviously ill but not in bed. Joe's face crinkles in pain as the child, a boy, coughs so hard he wracks his body in great tremors. Joe pulls himself away from the sight and, face to the ground, starts walking faster. In a moment he passes the telegraph office. His ears perk rhythmically to the beeps of the morse code. He whispers sweet nothings to himself like, "Cannot send more antitoxin. Weather too severe. Lost sled team only hope. Our prayers are with them."

Meanwhile, in a somehow less depressing part of the Alaskan tundra, Balto has finally caught sight of a glowing pink light. The wind is too hard for him to smell properly, but as he mounts a rise in the path, he can see clearly what rests at the bottom of the slope. It's the team! The pink glow is the light from the sled's lantern. Balto's so beside himself with joy that he throws himself headlong down the slope, previously unaware of how slippery the embankment really was. He only just manages to gain his footing at the bottom of the hill. The sled dogs look up at him in amazement, unfurling themselves from the miserable balls of fur they'd tried desperately to wrap themselves in. "Balto!" is heard in a wave of gasps.

Balto begins asking a slew of questions. What happened, is the musher okay, etc. etc. Everyone does their best to answer. Everyone, that is, except Steele, who has been sulking wordlessly since Balto arrived. Once he's gotten a satisfactory amount of info on the situation, Balto picks up one of the now empty harnesses on the sled and tells the dogs he can lead them home. Steele is none too pleased with this, and he steps on the harness, jerking it out of Balto's mouth. Steele insists the dogs will be able to find their way home by themselves - after all, he's leading them.

Everyone immediately becomes uncomfortable as the tension rises. Balto shrugs, assures Steele that he can do as he likes, but that the kids need the anti-toxin and they need it now. Balto knows the way back for certain, so he'd be happy to just take the medicine. Steele just about goes batshit at the suggestion, crouching over the crate of medicine like a wild animal, snarling at Balto. He threatens to rip Balto to pieces if he so much as tries to touch the crate. Someone tells Steele to lighten up, and Steele just about shits himself.

He flings himself headlong into Balto, telling him to get out and leave them be. In the scuffle, the medicine crate is tipped over, where it begins sliding down a tiny incline towards a cliff's edge. Balto eyes it nervously and tries to get to it, but Steele continually throws himself at Balto, snapping and snarling and threatening. The other dogs begin telling Steele to stop, that Balto isn't worth it. Star suggests that maybe just this once the howler might be useful, so the team might want to listen to him. Balto looks Steele dead in the eyes and tells him that children are going to die if everyone can't be all kumbaya for a second.

Steele sneers eerily and simple states that he doesn't care. And with that, he outright flings himself into Balto, tearing into him viciously enough to send him whimpering in pain. The fight halts for just a moment as Steele looks down at the wolfdog, who is now battered and bleeding. Steeles give a triumphant huff and bares his fangs before he notices something. The other dogs are advancing on him. They've stopped their gawking long enough to realize that Steele's intentions haven't just soured. They were never good in the first place. The medicine crate continues its gradual trip down the incline.

Steele is spooked by the dogs encircling him, and he demands they get away from him and back into their harnesses. Meanwhile, Balto, despite his injuries, has wormed his way over to the escaping crate of anti-death juice, finally securing it between his paws. Star turns and notices this, praising him. The other dogs gaze over at him too, finally realizing he's probably an okay guy actually. If Steele was angry before, he's furious now. He leaps over the hoard of dogs that had formed a tight circle around him and barrels at Balto and the medicine, screaming for the wolfdog to let it go. Balto quickly shoves the medicine away from the cliff as Steele snags him by the bandanna. The two dogs teeter totter on the side of the cliff before the bandanna rips in half. Steele unceremoniously falls off the cliff's edge, tumbling down into the valley below.

Balto cringes at the sight as Steele refuses to get up from his epic fail landing. Still, there's no time to lose. Balto hobbles over to the sled, surprised to find the other dogs are securing themselves in their harnesses. All except three, that is. One dog, a Chinook by the name of Kaltag, notices an especially icky wound on Balto's leg, and he uses what remains of Jenna's bandanna to wrap it. Another dog, a chow mix named Nikki, is placing the musher in the sled. The man's in rough shape, but he's still alive. Finally Balto takes his place at the head of the team, where Star is holding the harness up for him. Balto slips into it, and it fits like a glove. He takes a moment to breathe and marvel at the situation.

The dog sled takes off again. As it departs, a couple of white paws grapple their way up the cliff's edge. Steele hoists himself out of the valley. He's bruised all over, but he's alive, and he's none too happy. He wastes no time. He tucks the remains of Jenna's bandanna into his collar and begins rushing after the dogs. The guy may be bulky and injured, but he's full of enough rage adrenaline (ragedrenaline?) to overpower an elephant's higher thinking, and he's not slowing down til the sled has stopped.

It doesn't take long for Steele to catch up to Balto. He tells Balto to stop the sled and leave the team alone, but Balto insists Steele doesn't know the way. The other dogs all but tell Steele to fuck off given they've seen what kind of person he is, but Steele doesn't care. He pulls out a handy dandy trick he's been itching to repeat since the beginning of this summary and snaps at Balto's legs, tripping him up. Balto regains his footing quickly enough so as not to slow down the team, but oh no! A moment later, Steele snaps again, this time grabbing Balto's injured ankle.

The wolfdog can't recover so easily from that, and he falls over. The team goes tripping and spilling across the icy forest floor. Steele allows himself to fall behind and watch the destruction unfold. The team is barreling towards another cliff's edge, and Balto's meager frame isn't enough to cancel out the laws of inertia. Balto slides out of his harness as the other dogs try to stall their descent, finally bringing everything to a standstill as the crate of medicine teeters on the cliff's edge.

Balto dives forward and snags the crate, and the team praises him... seconds before the cliff's edge starts to crumble. As the rock breaks to pieces beneath his feet, Balto and the antitoxin fall into the snowy abyss below. "Aaaaaa," is how Kevin Bacon put it.

The next morning, everyone is abuzz is Nome. The people even pull themselves away from their sick kids in the excitement, curious to see what's happening. Something has arrived, though it's not the medicine. The dogs are equally riveted, huddled in the boiler room to discuss their own canine-centric news.  Turns out Jenna returned home the previous night, aided by two polar bear cubs and a goose. The dogs prattle on excitedly, asking a weary Jenna all about her journey. But, in all honesty, they seem most concerned with how - and further, why - Jenna would ever be brave or foolish enough to pair with a howler while on a wild goose/dog/plot chase.

Jenna tiredly begins to explain what happened, why the goose and bears were there, etc. when a ruckus can be heard outside. The dogs all look up, but nobody gets up. Not yet. A few moments pass, and then the door, which has been only halfway open up to this point, swings open in full. Standing in the doorway is Togo's team, along with an exhausted looking Steele. Togo remarks that they found the dumb jock wandering delirious through the cold. He was just lucky enough to meander past their relay station. Togo shrugs and leaves the room.

Everyone immediately starts flipping shit again, asking a new flurry of questions so loudly they drown each other out. Finally, Steele breaks the silence by asking "Where's Jenna?" Everyone goes quiet and looks over at the token girl husky. Steele pads over to the middle of the room, looking at Jenna but speaking to everyone, as he explains in a voice so sincere it's sickening that his team died in the cold. Balto did in fact find him, the last dog alive, but all he cared about was taking the anti-toxin away. Balto never meant well, Steele asserts, his chest heaving with every passionate word. All he wanted to do was get back at the town for turning its back on him! Everyone gasps except Jenna and a stoic figure sitting in the corner of the room.

Steele says that Balto took the anti-toxin and, in a desperate effort to get revenge on Nome for never accepting his boorish, violent ways, threw it and himself over the edge of a cliff. The medicine, and presumably every bone in the wolfdog's body, shattered on impact. Why, Steele even tried heroically to stop Balto from this suicide mission by grabbing him by Jenna's bandanna, but... He punctuates his speech by handing Jenna the remains of her neckerchief. She gapes at it.

Steele says that this has been a tragedy for certain, but all the dogs must band together and be strong. Heck, he even generously offers to be a shoulder for Jenna to cry on in her time of need. Such a noble guy, that Steele. Except Jenna has a finely tuned 6th sense she uses solely to detect bullshit, and it's going crazy right now. She tells Steele to his face that she knows he's lying. Balto isn't violent. In fact, the primary reason he left to find the team was to save the children. To save Rosie.

The dogs in the crowd begin to murmur among themselves, but Steele casually states that it's such a shame the wolfdog managed to manipulate Jenna so efficiently that she honestly never saw him going feral, never considered his more selfish motives. Steele reminds the room of dogs that Balto attacked him several times before the relay teams were dispatched. Everyone seems a bit swayed by the reminder.

Everyone's trains of thoughts are prevented from actually leaving the station by the dog in the corner clearing his throat. Surprise surprise, the mysterious guy in the shadows was Wild Joe, resident lurker. Steele almost looks intimidated as the dog pads over to him. Joe basically goes off on Steele, detailing how it's hard to believe a dog who has proven himself violent for the sake of winning, is mysteriously the only dog out of about 15 to survive, and thinks himself a hero despite failing to bring back even one ounce of medicine. Everyone is silent as Joe and Steele glare daggers at each other.

Steele huffs at Joe and leaves the room, stating that he won't be insulted this way after having had such a traumatic experience. The dogs watch Steele go, then look at Joe and Jenna, then awkwardly begin to file out. There's nothing else of importance to be said, and damn has it gotten awkward in here.

When the two are alone, Jenna quietly thanks Joe for believing her. Joe snorts and states that he knows what Steele is like and he knows when he's lying. Then Joe tells Jenna plainly that he doesn't have much hope of the anti-toxin arriving, and that even if it did it's too late for his fallen boy. Taken aback at the realization, Jenna expresses sympathy for Joe, but encourages him to keep his chin up. Balto is a dependable dog who won't let the town down, because despite everything he's faced, he understands how important this is. Joe smiles for probably the first time in 50 years, then asks Jenna where the goose and bears she mentioned went.

That night, the electric cross on the church steeple turns off. Rosie's mother notices this from the hospital window, and her husband hopelessly wraps her in a hug. Rosie's condition continues to worsen.

While this is happening, Jenna abandons her post under the hospital window and leads Wild Joe to Balto's boat. Some of the dogs at the cannery ogle Jenna, but Joe sets them straight with a well directed glare and a scolding about the male gaze. Boris and the bear cubs are understandably shaken when they are met with a sentient hunk of muscle, but Jenna assures them that Joe is a friend. Joe makes himself comfortable in Balto's home and asks the goose if he can wait for Balto to come back with him. The two cubs remain anxious around the old dog, who playfully teases them by asking if they think he's gonna turn them into mukluks.

As all this is going on, miles away at the previously mentioned snowy abyss, the snow in the depths of the gorge begins to shift. In a few labored, measured movements, Balto manages to pull himself from the snowbank. He collapses exhausted back into the snow, realizing how dire the situation has truly become. God only knows where the medicine has fallen, let alone whether or not it's shattered. "Kids... Rosie... I'm sorry," is all he can manage to mouth as he begins to weep.

Soundlessly, a large mass moves across the snowy terrain towards him. The world is a void of white, and the figure is too, but when he looks up, Balto can just make out the dark features of a canine face. A majestic white wolf, large enough to dwarf any dog, is gazing down at him with vibrant amber eyes. The wolf howls, then pauses as if waiting for Balto to respond. He doesn't, instead shrinking away in embarrassment. The wolf gives him a strange look, then gazes past him for a moment, then finally withdraws, quickly disappearing from view.

Balto allows his eyes to wander. Suddenly, those wandering eyes widen. The medicine. It's sitting unharmed no more then 10 feet away. And after offering the cliffside its own glance, he believes it might be possible to get it back up.

Balto rises slowly but surely to his feet. He eyes the tracks the white wolf left behind as it departed. He reaches out a paw to touch one, and quickly realizes that his paw fits inside it perfectly. His shame melts away. He raises his head up high, nose aimed at the moon, and lets loose a howl.

As if by magic, the white wolf reappears in the fog. Balto continues to howl, feeling as if it's the most natural thing he's ever done. The wolf rejoins him, and it fills the air with its own howls. The blizzard rages on around the two, but for just a moment it feels as if the world around them shimmers with a newfound clarity.

Up on top of the cliff, the sled team is huddling close together. Their spirits all seem to have been broken by what they presumed was Balto's death and the lose of the medicine. The dogs straighten up, however, upon hearing... the howling of wolves? Everyone huddles in closer together, suddenly terrified. A second later, though, they realize the howling has stopped, effectively being replaced with the sound of shuffling snow. Wait, huh? Everyone peers over the cliffside.

It's Balto, very much not dead, and very much pulling the unharmed crate of anti-toxin behind him. The dogs yap with joy, cheering Balto on as he mounts the cliff. The moment he's within reach, several dogs lift him and the crate the rest of the way up. Balto collapses in the snow, absolutely pooped. He lies there for just a moment, beaming coyly as the dogs praise him for his feat. Is this what it's like to be respected? When Balto can stand again, the dogs go through the motions once more: musher in sled, lantern on crate, crate secured, Balto up front. And nothing can stop them now.

Well, they figure as much, anyway. But they're proven wrong a short while later. The team enters a deep valley, surrounded on all sides like a great white bowl made of high pale mountains. The air is eerily still. And then, breaking the silence, someone sneezes. The sound reverberates around the cereal bowl that is the mountain range. A moment later, a cascade of snowfall begins barreling down the steepest mountain. An avalanche! The team runs for cover in the nearest cave.

As the team enters the cave, the sled thumps loudly against the ground. The dogs hazard a look up as the tinkling sound of ice on ice becomes apparent. To their horror, they see a barrage of icicles begin to plummet down towards them. One severs the handles at the back of the sled, only inches away from the musher's head. Another slams down just beside the medicine crate, causing everyone to promptly flip shit. The team rockets forward as quickly as they can, just managing to clear the cave as the worst of the icicles shatters behind them. Okay, NOW it's gotta be over, right?

Dawn is just about to break. The cannery dogs are all struggling to rest in the cold weather. One of them, a shabby, long nosed creature, gently lifts an ear in his sleep. Some sort of sound is reverbing in the distance, so far away that it can't reach the true populace of Nome. But it's there, and it rouses him awake. Other dogs begin to take notice as well. On Balto's boat, the twin cubs follow Boris to the railing as they listen. The sound starts as a very low bellow, but soon it becomes clear...

Someone is howling. It's a foghorn! It's a train! No, it's... Balto!

Balto lets out another very primitive howl as he and the team advance towards the cannery. Everyone is overcome with joy. They're so close! The cannery dogs begin running to meet the team, eyes bulging in surprise. They didn't expect this because they really only skimmed the story up to this point. The sled team keeps pace, everyone acknowledging the cannery dogs with excited yips, as they continue towards town. Boris and the cubs climb out of the boat to greet Balto.

But the team is brought to a halt as a dog steps directly in front of the sled, unmoving. Everyone rams into one another, but at least the medicine isn't being flung off a cliff this time. The dog who stopped them is, of course, Steele. His bi-colored eyes shimmer menacingly as the sled's lantern's light reflects off of them. He says he's amazed that the dogs made it home, sarcastically giving Balto in particular a "Bravo". Very cute, very heroic.

But what does Balto expect to happen? Does he think all the townspeople are just going to accept that some guy they've always hated brought the medicine back? Balto has no idea what he's gotten himself into. His only choice, obviously, is to slip out of the harness and allow Steele to lead the team back into Nome. Now.

Wild Joe leaps out of Balto's ship, finally coming to see what all the hubbub was about. He pushes his way through the crowd of stunned cannery dogs and glares daggers at Steele, telling him that he never deserved to be the lead dog and now he's still so greedy for glory that he's holding up the cure for a child killing illness. Steele snarls at Joe, clearly not caring about his opinion. Then the other dogs in the crowd begin jeering "Yeah!" and "You tell him!" and various other cliches meant to show solidarity.

But the real surprise comes when the only dog who actually does slip out of his harness is Star. "Steele doesn't deserve credit for this!" Star spits at his big brother. "In fact, he doesn't even deserve the golden collar he's wearing! All he's ever done is boss everyone around. He's bossed me around since we were pups." Everyone's eyes drift towards Steele's neck. The golden collar and all the medals adorning it shimmer dimly. "You're the hero here, Balto," Star continues. "You deserve that collar. And you're gonna wear it."

He steps towards a stunned Steele, looking as frightened but unflappable as a weeaboo asking out a girl he likes, and lunges at Steele's throat. He yanks the collar off in one swift tug, stepping back and letting it fall to the ground at Balto's feet.

Everyone looks equally amazed at the sight of Star standing up to the guy who's shat on him his whole life. Balto looks at the collar before him, then at Star, then at Steele. "Thank you," he says awkwardly, "but he can keep it. It obviously means more to him then the kids do."

Now Steele is Peak Tilted. The team moves forward again, bypassing Steele and stepping on his collar as they do. Steele stands, chest heaving, for a moment's time before he loudly snaps "no" and drives himself at the team. He shoves cannery dogs out of the way left and right as he plummets towards Balto. Balto notices and comes to a stop beside a coal shoot. The team warns him to LOOK OUT BRUH and Steele flies at him, mouth agape and ready to bite. Just as Steele is about to land on Balto, Balto rolls over, sending Steele tripping over him in the process.

The coal shoot's hatch opens as Steele lands against the lever behind it. Steele tries to claw his way up out of the slowly opening hatch as the other dogs watch horrified. Balto tries to reach out to him, but it's too late. A load of coal drops down from another hatch above the ground. Hundreds of hunks from hell hit the hedonistic Steele as his grip slips. He screams as he falls down the shaft below, a 2 ton torrent of coal following right behind him. Eventually all that can be heard is the sound of stray chunks of coal bouncing around in the shaft. The sound fades as both hatches close. Steele is gone.

Wild Joe walks over, gazes at the closed hatch, and gives a low grunt. He laments on how it couldn't have happened to a nicer dog, then turns to Balto. He says that Balto can't stand around all day when he's got medicine to deliver. But first there's something he needs to do. Star was right, Balto does deserve a collar. And to make sure he has one, Wild Joe slips his own golden collar off his neck, effectively stripping naked in public, and puts it on Balto. Balto is awed. Boris comes up behind him and wraps a wing around him, complimenting him on his new look. Joe tells everyone to hurry into town, and so they do. Balto lets up a torrent of howls once more.

The team FINALLY enters town, and already a whole slew of townsfolk have gathered to see what's going on. They can't contain their relief and their joy upon seeing the medicine has honest to God arrived. Balto brings the team to a stop right in front of the hospital, and immediately the doctor and several other people pry open the crate. A wave of people descend upon the dogs of the team, petting and hugging them. Balto is no exception to this, as people he never expected to respect him begin rubbing his ears and stroking his back.

One of those people is Rosie's father. He hesitates for a second before stroking Balto's head, then leans down and wraps his arms around the dog's neck. Balto withdraws for a moment, but then allows himself to be held. When he's satisfied with the amount of wolfdog hugging he's done, the man coaxes Balto into the hospital, where the staff is already going about administering the anti-toxin to the children.

Balto is brought in to meet Rosie. It's been some time since he's seen her, and she's just been given her injection of the medicine. She's still too weak to lift her head, but she smiles at him all the same. She reaches out her hand to stroke his muzzle, and he licks her. "Balto," she cooes half asleep, "I'd've been lost without you."

She gives a sigh and begins to snore gently, and Balto considers this an appropriate time to head outski. As he turns to leave, he sees Jenna in the doorway, her face scrunched tight in a misty-eyed grin.

The two dogs throw themselves into each other, romping in the doorway. Jenna allows herself to weep, and even Balto's eyes get a little wet. Part of her had truly believed she'd never see her closest friend again. As the two pause and settle back down, she goes to git it and plants a kiss (or the dog equivalent of one I guess) on his nose. He returns the gesture and the two lean into one another. They sit in an embrace as the town continues its celebrating.

A year has passed. Balto, Joe's golden collar still adorning his neck, runs across the cannery harbor to the boat he used to live in. Boris can be seen teaching Luk how to sweep the deck with a poorly held together broom. Muk watches in amusement. Balto calls to Boris that it's time and that he and the kids are invited if they'd like to come along. Boris, overjoyed, leaps onto Muk's back and tells the cubs to pretend they're Paul Revere and hurry up. Everyone who lives in the cannery greets Balto as he rushes by.

Balto passes Dixie on the street as everyone hurries along. Dixie's owner is offput by the presence of the polar bear cubs hi hello what the hell, but Dixie nonchalantly asks Balto what all the fuss is about. Balto explains that it's time, and Dixie congratulates him. He continues his trek, and it goes very much like it did when he was competing in the trial race before the Great Race of Mercy took place.

Finally, Balto reaches the hospital's boiler room. Inside huddle a small crowd: Rosie, her parents, Wild Joe (who is looking a little green), Doc, the actual doc, and, of course, Jenna. Jenna's the center of attention, and she's clearly exhausted. But she's not so exhausted that she can't look up at Balto with a smile on her face. Wild Joe grabs the blanket that she's tucked into and pulls it off of her as Balto and his friends gaze over her.

A litter of 6 puppies whimper out complaints as they reorganize themselves against their mother's warm belly. They're sickeningly precious, squeaking and huddling together. Most of the little ones are varying shades of red like their mother, but the smallest newborn looks remarkably like her father. She lifts her tiny, trembling head and lets out quite possibly the smallest howl any living thing has ever uttered. Everyone chuckles, and Balto leans his head into Jenna's cheek. Their faces are awash with pride.

So there you have it, Balto But Not Balto But Still Balto. Happy 24th year of existing, you trashfire of a movie you. I genuinely love this movie more then I should, and this has been fun to work on. Later this month I'll dump some more Balto stuff here, but it's just about time for me to start a new project for this blog. Hope yous guys enjoyed the wolfdoggy content. Cheers.

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The Big Grand DCTL Review/Critique

In my previous liveblog I said that I’d do an overall review/rating kind of thing to summarize my thoughts on the book, so here you go.

No Spoilers: So I’ll preface by saying the book isn’t bad. It has it’s... moments, but it’s pretty enjoyable overall. The FNAF books, for example, were fun to read but they were also a hot fucking mess. This is not a hot fucking mess  - it has its flaws but it’s pretty decent over all.

Spoilers below the cut:

The Canon-ness of the Book

I would like to say first off that I really don’t think this book is meant to be 100% canon - not to say it isn’t canon, but I don’t think it’s supposed to lie up with the games perfectly.  It was approved of by Kindlybeast, but they didn’t write it - Adrienne Kress did, they just helped to develop it.

To explain better: There are a lot of contradictions in this book with the main lore. Some are more minor and could potentially be waved away, but others are extremely glaring. Here’s a short list of the ones that come to mind:

In the book, the Ink Machine is secret and almost no one knows about it. In the game everyone knows and actively complains about the machine on a daily basis. In the Employee Handbook, there’s even a memo from Joey proudly introducing the Machine to everyone.

The book claims you put ink into the Machine and it changes it in some way (effectively running on ink). In the game, it seems to produce ink itself - Joey’s memo kind of indicates this, as does the blueprints, and Wally’s “who really needs that much ink anyway” makes less sense if they’re putting ink into the machine rather than it making the ink.

Plus on Thomas’ board he has a list of the gallons of ink produced each day, with the highest amount written with exclamation points - if it ran on ink this doesn't make sense, as to get 423 gallons of ink he would’ve had to have put 423 gallons of ink into the thing to begin with.

Sammy is wildly OOC in this, as he’s basically a feral asshole throughout the thing, while in canon his merch description calls him a “decent person” and he generally seems agreeable most of the time, except for when he’s annoyed. The book even claims he doesn’t refer to women by their last names, while Susie’s tape tells us the exact opposite (as according to her he referred to Allison as “Miss Allison Pendle”).

Bertrum is also OOC in this - in canon, he’s extremely egotistical and hates Joey for multiple reasons. In the book, they’re buddies (even hugging each other) and Bertrum seems more humble. He doesn’t even correct Joey on calling him “Bertie”, when he had an entire tape about how much he dislikes being called that in the game.

The timeline for this part is also very wrong - it’s treated as if they just met (which could explain why Bertrum doesn’t dislike him yet)... but Bendyland was in progress for years before the studio went to hell, and he even has his BATDR tape (wherein he’s actively disliking Joey) dated years before this book takes place.

This also makes it kind of impossible for him to be the octopus ride like in canon, because he literally just joined the studio when Joey started killing people (and keep in mind that designing and building a ride like that would have taken at least a year or two).

The ink is, for some reason, somewhat alive, able to move around on it’s own and possess people. This was never indicated in the game, ever.

Buddy wakes up as Boris. In the game, stuff like Grant’s tape indicate the ink creatures wake up and then transform (the files even have an unused transformation tape from Wally, who’s likely our Boris). You can kind of headcanon around this one if you try though.

At the end, Norman and a few background characters die. Joey says he didn’t use the machine on them because they had been infected by the ink for too long and didn’t have souls any more. This means that, according to the book, The Projectionist cannot exist (as Norman wouldn’t have had a soul to use and Joey outright says he couldn’t/didn’t use the machine on them in the first place).

Some of these are pretty minor, but some of them are extremely glaring and even casual gamers would pick up on this stuff.

Basically, we have two options: Either Kindlybeast doesn’t know their own story/characters too well, or they didn’t require this to line up perfectly with the games. Except the first option doesn’t make sense, because they’ve recently published stuff that contradicts what’s said in this book in favor of matching the actual lore from the games, proving they do know their own story.

For ampel, Bertrum’s BATDR tape, which lines up with the game’s lore and corrects the mistakes in DCTL, was released in March - long after this book was in production. The thing about the Ink Machine being secret was also disproved in the recently-released Handbook, which instead says they employees do know about the Machine, just like they do in the game. So Kindlybeast do know these things don’t line up with canon.

I think basically they approached Adrienne and were like “hey, can you write a prequel novel based on our game?” and while they offered her some guidance, she mostly just did her own thing based off of it (she even said it felt like working on fanfiction while writing it) and Kindlybeast liked it and published it. It’s an adaptation of the game and its lore, done by a new person - things tend to change in adaptations. I don’t think they needed or cared if it lined up like puzzle pieces, they just wanted a good story, which they got. It is canon... but it’s also not, if that makes sense.

So for our intents and purposes I’d consider this semi-canon - take what you can as canon (which is most of it, as the most major contradictions also tend to be the shortest scenes) and ignore the stuff that doesn’t line up with canon, unless otherwise stated by Kindlybeast or confirmed in BATDR.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Overall, I’d say this book is about 70% good and 30% bad. When it is good, it is really, really damn good - but when it’s bad it leaves an awful taste in your mouth that’s hard to get rid of.

The Good:

Like... the majority of the book, really

Buddy and Dot are wonderful characters with strong personalities. They’re super likeable, bring some much-needed heart into things, and have great chemistry.

While some of the aforementioned characters are majorly OOC, the ones that are in-character (Joey and Norman are good examples) are amazing - every scene with them is gold and the book really fleshes out their personalities.

Some of the new lore tidbits are great, and help explain some things in the game (like how Lost Ones are created) or are just interesting (like Sammy drinking the ink and the idea of the ink being able to infect people, which sounds like something that could have directly come from the games).

The book goes into way more depth about what being a cartoon/ink creature is like, which is some much-needed exposition and is extremely interesting.

It also has a ton of heart and good intentions. I was worried about it being overly dark, but if anything it has far more sweet moments than depressing ones.

The Bad:

The contradictions I mentioned above. Some of them are easy enough to ignore, but some are incredibly jarring and take you out of the story (and make it impossible to take it as 100% canon without breaking the space-time continuum).

I kind of mentioned it above, but the stuff with the ink being alive and possessing people comes right the fuck out of nowhere, has nothing to do with the game lore, is completely tonally dissonant to BATIM as a whole, and literally has nothing to do with the plot of the book, like, at all. It feels like a few pages from a Venom novel got mixed in with the early draft and no one remembered to remove them before publication.

The racist shit - it’s only like 1% of the book, but when that 1% of the book ruins a really good character it’s a pretty big deal.

A random NPC dies for no reason and this death has more relevance to the plot than Norman, who dies off-screen.

Also consider: They could’ve found Norman first, Buddy runs off to get back to his house, Norman follows and gets killed via neck snap. Fixes both problems at once.

There’s very little tension during the horror moments because we already know Buddy will die but not until the end and that Dot will live.

The Ink Demon acts more like an xenomorph than the Ink Demon in this - his behavior is bizarre and it feels pretty generically horror movie monster-ish compared to how he acts in the game.

The Ugly:

The B-plot with Buddy’s grandfather should have been cut. I know that sounds harsh, but really think about it: what effect did it have on the plot? It only crosses with the A-plot twice, and both times nothing came out of it. It gives Buddy a chance to learn how to draw and he goes through some character development, but I find it hard to believe that couldn’t have been accomplished by expanding the A-plot.

The main problem is that A) this is a BATIM novel so we want to see the studio, not Buddy’s relatives at home, and B) it makes it kind of slow towards the middle, wherein the stuff with the studio barely progresses while we keep cutting back to the B-plot.

I didn’t dislike reading it or anything, but it makes the plot flabby, and slicing it out would’ve given us much more time in the studio and the characters we like rather than trying to juggle two plots at once, effectively streamlining it and making for a more cohesive story.

The ending (like the last 5 chapters) is a hot mess in multiple and varying ways:

Sammy shows up and... gets knocked out by a projector. Which is funny, but it amounts to nothing plot-wise and makes Sammy’s whole appearance kind of pointless

Killing off a bunch of characters, one of which was a main character, off-screen

The weird Venom shit that has nothing to do with the plot of the books or the games and amounts to nothing

Bendy acting fairly OOC, especially with how he goes about killing people 

Buddy grabs the idiot ball bard by trying to drown a creature made of ink in ink, then standing right near the spot so he can be grabbed and killed

Not only does the “can’t use them because they had been infected for too long and no longer had souls” thing not only raises the aforementioned plot hole with the Projectionist, but it raises a plot hole in the book itself: When the other are exposed to the ink they die, but when Sammy drinks the stuff he turns into a Lost One. Which one is it?

Keep in mind that that was more bullet points in those 30-some pages than I have for the entire rest of the book

There are only like... two actual horror scenes in the book, and one of those is the climax. While it makes sense that too much couldn’t have happened before the ending, it feels like there could have been more than that.

Not all of the characters from the games appear. I know it’s a tall ask but it’s also easy to see how they could have been integrated, and some of them could have easily taken the roles that were given to NPCs instead.

I feel like this book would be more engaging as a non-fan, as the plot tends to progress like a mystery, with you learning a bit more about what’s happening with every scene in the studio... except as a fan you already know what’s happening, so there’s little to keep you engaged until you get into that nice juicy lore at the end.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s lots of little details that tell us new info and the character interactions are great, but a lot of the scenes are just like “Surprise, Sammy is crazy!” and it’s like thanks, we already knew that. The mystery is supposed to build and move the plot forward, but there’s effectively no mystery.

Overall Rating

I’m worried this review is going to come across as overly negative, as it’s much easier to critique what’s wrong than it is to say “this part was good!” like 200 times. But all of the stuff I was talking about that’s an issue? That’s like... 30% of the book, maybe less. Some of the most problematic scenes you could literally remove and loose nothing plot-wise (which is frustrating but you know). The bulk of the book is very good, the lore stuff when handled correctly is amazing and it even provides some extra answers that we didn’t have before, and the characters are great.

Overall, I’d give the book a solid... 7/10, I think. Not perfect, but pretty damn decent all around. If you’re a fan, I’d highly recommend picking up a copy if you haven't already.

[mirclealignr]

It honestly baffles me that anyone other than a cis white man can support trump after the shit he’s said disrespecting just about every single minority

i- yeah i agree.

I just don’t understand how Trump continues to have supporters other than males like himself. He’s racist, sexist, misogynistic and a white supremacist. Even as a business man he didn’t do anything - his dad did it all. He’s never worked a proper day in his life, he’s risen on white privilege and lied his way to the top and unfortunately people allowed him to do that.

It almost reminds me of like Hitler. There were people who supported him for other reasons aside from fear. It’s literally like brainwashing, it honestly scares me

I know people call Boris bad but at least he isn’t involved in sex trafficking, racism etc (he was literally our foreign secretary, no matter how bad) or just a blatant liar and misogynist. He’s an idiot but like yknow. And he’s a politician, he plays the game, even if it’s not the way people like, he’s not a fucked up “business man”

[peakyblinderswhore]

☕️ what do you think about Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron!

donald trump is stuck in the past and appeals to the old people cause he is one despite having a fourteen year old son and an immigrant wife that goes against his morals about immigrants staying where they came from

he’s also a COWARD and is a keyboard warrior worthy of a half-assed crown like how’s he about to start a nuclear war over twitter??

i hâte that he tried to abolish DACA and ObamaCare because those things are literally in place for those who need it. i’m glad he’s under the impression the supreme court hates him, cause they do. (he said this after they overturned him proposing to overturn DACA) idk why i was ever shocked that this man could be so heartless to kids. also he’s a pedophile. thank you anonymous.

there was something i was gonna say about him and promptly forgot

honestly convinced only the “good” ones are assassinated at this point (that’s controversial, i know)

boris is doing his best, he started off with brexit which was like “okay fair enough that’s gonna be a tough cookie for the nation but he’ll get it done” and then he had the virus to deal with (before actually getting it himself???) but i think my opinion went downhill of him when he’s like yeah sure let’s open up england despite currently being wayyy up the list on who’s got the most cases still whereas scotland, ireland & wales are only just letting you travel within 5 miles (ik that’s wales) and very slowly opening things up again.

he’s a big racist and for some reason he runs our country, he referred to women who wear a burka as “letterboxes” and constantly slurs anyone you could possibly think of who’s not white, male and christian/atheist

also he defended dominic cummings. aight i’m gonna go test my eyesight qt on the drive to my nana (177 miles one way).

emmanuel macron i have little opinion on, isnt he the one who married his school teacher? power move much. but i also hâte him cause france runs on racism and he’s not doing anything about it. i do remember hearing something fairly recently and thinking “uh wtf” but i cannot remember atm (:

i will start to formulate an opinion on him the second he says “alright, let’s stop being stuck up twats and actually accept other races and cultures and religions like the good people we pretend to be”.

one day i hope you can wear a headscarf if you so chose, have prayer rooms in schools/college and not get slandered in the streets for the colour of your skin or the article of clothing that you wear. ily.

[heavyarethecrowns]

It does seem, and I’m not directing this at you, but it does seem that everyone speaks about Corbyns racism but no one seems to care about how racist Boris and the Conservative party have been to black ethnic minorities

Corbyn is not racist, he and his party is Anti Semetic. 

It is so ingrained in his party Jewish MP’s and Party Members have been run out of the Party. Jewish MP who run for their places are being replaced by non Jewish MP’s because of anti Semistims

Jewish MP’s that have managed to survive the threats, death threats against them and their family, the bullying and trying to be run out of the party literally have to go around with bodyguards to protect themselves from Labour party members and MP’s because of the anti Semetism. 

There have been 1000 complains and nothing has been done. This is a fact shown by the report given within the last week. Corbyn is doing nothing to stop it, likely because this is the same man that signed a report saying Israel is gulity of genocide and also the same man that attends and speaks at rallies saying Israel are akin to the Nazis. Or the same man who just last week, on national television was linking Epstein’s sexual crimes to the fact his is Jewish. As obv the only reason he did those things is because he is a Jew. 

Corbyn isn’t racist is also just someone who helps funds and is sympathetic is terrorists. 

Whether that is funding the IRA since the 70′s, laying a wreath at the grave of the terrorists that did the Munich Massacre and who meets and is friends with other terrorists that include people that are suicide bombers that have killed British people. As he has shown he does not seem to care about whether we the British people are killed. I mean just look at how he responded to Russians poisoning people on British soil, but then again he is also friends with the Kremlin and is the Deputy Labour Leader because they are Marxists who sit and read the Red Paper in the Commons.

[dramaphan]

the reason the uk general election is so frustrating is that the media is owned by all the billionaires who don't want the labour party to win bc it means a few more pounds on their taxes a year so they'll do anything to paint boris johnson, a racist homophobic misogynistic liar, as a good person and paint corbyn, who has been fighting those exact things his entire life, as a terrible person. ffs boris was just exposed for saying the fucking n word and the mainstream media are silent about it.

Young people gotta vote more, man. The only way people like that get in office is by more old white men voting than younger people of literally any demographic.

[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: September 2019

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of September 2019 to make sure that they are never forgotten.

As if proven liar Boris Johnson suspending parliament to try and force through a No Deal Britait at the end of August didn’t look dictatorial enough, he then moved on to threatening and Tory MP who doesn't fall in line with deselection - and yet, rather than call this the obviously despotic move that it is, instead the media spent more time focusing on him adopting a fucking dog

Master strategist Dominic Cummings said that, rather than listen to “rich Remainers” in London, people should listen to those all over the country - which certainly helped, as Cummings’ genius idea to have proven liar Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson walk the streets of Morley and Doncaster saw said proven liar have to listen to the non-rich giving him both barrels for being responsible for the mess we are currently in

Not only did Laura Kuenssberg repeat what the press did with Carrie Symonds’ neighbours and throw around the term “Labour activist” to dismiss the very real concerns of the father whose daughter was in the understaffed hospital that proven liar Boris Johnson visited for a press op and then called out the proven liar’s claims it wasn’t a press op by pointing to the camera crew a few feet away, but she went one step further by doxxing the person by posting one of his tweets to her Twitter timeline, which unsurprisingly led to him getting a dog’s abuse from people because he dared say bad things about proven liar Boris Johnson - abuse he would not have got if Kuenssberg hadn’t doxxed him to her 1.1m Twitter followers, all because she wanted to distract attention from the fact her beloved BoBo had been caught on camera lying to someone’s face

...and it wasn’t long before the BBC proved their blatant double standards, having circled the wagons around Kuenssberg to say she did nothing wrong while doxxing a member of the public, yet disciplining Naga Munchetty for an off-the-cuff remark about the Orange Overlord saying Trump saying non-whites who criticise him should “go back where they came from” is racist

There is nothing sinister about Dominic Cummings saying that, if MPs wants to stop receiving death threats, they need to get Britait done.  Absolutely nothing sinister about that at all...

When Jacob Rees Mogg wasn’t literally lying in parliament, he was dismissing the genuine concerns of neurologist Dr David Nicholl by comparing his concerns to those of anti-vaxxer Andrew Wakefield, who was struck off for giving erroneous advice

I’m trying to work out if Justin Trudeau forgot about the whole wearing blackface thing, or merely assumed everyone else had.  Either way, at best he could generously be accused of gross naivety - especially when the second round of photos came out, after he tried to pass it off as a one-time prank

So not only did proven liar Boris Johnson sound supremely cuntish by saying that leaving the EU would honour the memory of Jo Cox - that’s the same Jo Cox who, while campaigning for Remain, was murdered by a member of Britain First - but when quizzed on this Bernard Jenkin could only respond about the stress that the proven liar was under, because as we all know the real victim is the person who said something monumentally dense and not the person murdered by a member of the far-right on the streets of their constituency

If anyone can explain what the hell compelled Stephen Kinnock to suddenly decide that Theresa May’s deal should have yet another going over in parliament in spite it being defeated three times already and her not even being PM at this point, let alone why he wanted to bring this up at the moment No Deal was being defanged, I would love to hear it

Something compelled Quentin Letts to compare the recently-deceased Robert Mugabe to Boris Johnson...as a compliment

Compelling argument against nominative determinism James Cleverly thought he was being clever by keeping up the “chicken” jibes against Jeremy Corbyn that proven liar Boris Johnson and his cronies at The Sun had been keeping up for days in a desperate attempt to pretend Corbyn hadn’t spotted an obvious tarp by Dominic Cummings and sidestepped it...right up until his stunt ended up seeing the entire Tory party get bitchslapped by Kentucky Fried Chicken

...and it wasn’t long before proven liar Boris Johnson rendered all jibes of Corbyn being “chicken” laughable when he responded to some heckling when visiting Luxembourg by publicly running away from a press conference with Luxembourg’s PM 

According to Kwasi Kwarteng there are people up and down the country questioning the impartiality of the Scottish judges who ruled Boris Johnson’s prorogation of parliament unlawful.  Just a reminder, Kwasi Kwarteng is the Business Secretary and not a Youtube right-wing conspiracy nut

Waffling gargoyle Nigel Farage has decided that those dozens of appearances on BBC political programming over the last decade were examples of the BBC being biased against him, and he;s boycotting all future appearances.  He neglected to mention whether or not any other member of The Nigel Farage Ego Project would follow suit...

We saw just how little credibility Laura Kuenssberg has on the 2nd September edition of The Six O’Clock News where she stood outside 10 Downing Street talking about how proven liar Boris Johnson would be calling a snap election, only for her to be cut off mid-sentence by the proven liar walking out to waffle for five minutes where the only thing of note he said that wasn’t an easily-debunked lie was that there would be no election...and once he was finished Kuenssberg continued talking about a snap election as if she hadn’t been stood less than twenty feet away when it was said there would be no election

The fact that nobody was surprised when James Cleverly falsely claimed that the Tories created the NHS during the Tory conference isn’t a surprise - not least because it’s not even the first time Cleverly has made that patently false claim 

It would appear that Alan Sugar misses the days that he and not Alexander Boris De Pfeil Johnson was being held up as the British answer to Donald Trump, judging by his posting a tweet taking aim at the dogwhistlers’ favourite target Diane Abbott

We are supposed to feel sorry for David Cameron after his memoirs stated that he thought that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove behaved “appallingly” before and during the EU Referendum campaign.  If only the party leader did something about this, which they were in the position to do, and what was the name of the leader of the Tories at that moment in time again...?

Forgetting that we’re supposed to be calling Jeremy Corbyn a chicken, instead our good and honest friends at the Daily Mail instead ran an article about how awful it was that Jeremy Corbyn supported the Guildford Four’s Paul Hill.  That’s the Paul Hill who, like the other members of the Guildford Four (and the Maguire Seven) were threatened, beaten and tortured by the police and served fifteen years in jail for being members of the IRA in spite of the fact that they weren’t members of the IRA nor plotted any terror attacks, and the Mail thinks it’s bad to show support for someone who was a victim of one of the worst miscarriages of justice in British history

It’s a bit rich for Rachel Riley to be the face of the Don’t Feed The Trolls campaign considering her history of harassing, doxxing and encouraging pile-ons on anyone who disagrees with her

Sentient testicle Toby Young thought he was being really, really clever when he accused Phillip Hammond of an “anti-semitic conspiracy theory” after Hammond stated that the sole reason for proven liar Boris Johnson trying to take the UK out of the EU by October 31st is to help out his speculator mates - although the cleverness rapidly evaporated when Hammond responded personally with a threat of suing for libel, and for some strange reason Young’s really, really clever tweet vanished off the face of the earth

...and because Toby Young has to be Toby Young about things, rather than keep his head down after Hammond’s threat of legal action instead he came rushing to the defence of the proven liar by saying that female Spectator employees felt upset if they weren’t groped by proven liar Boris Johnson, which is not only the defence of the rapist but his “defence” only serves to say that proven liar Boris Johnson has a history of groping

It’s as if The Sun have decided they can go back to their pre-Leveson levels of scumbaggery, judging by how they’d both told Gareth Thomas’ parents he was HIV positive and threatened to publish it, as well as reporting how two members of Ben Stokes’ family had been shot and killed several years ago without actually obtaining consent from Stokes before splashing it across their front page

...and right on their heels was the Daily Mail doxxing Jo Maughan for the sole purpose of...nope, no idea why they felt the need to do so, but they did it anyway

If Steve Baker thought he was helping the Leave side look non-deranged, his claiming that proven liar Boris Johnson is moving the Tories back to the centre ground failed to do that on a molecular level

It’s all well and good the Liberal Democrats acting as if bringing in Luciana Berger and Angela “funny tinge” Smith as MPs is some kind of major breakthrough...but they sure kept it quiet that they wouldn’t be defending the parliamentary seats they’ve been squatting in since February

So nice of Mike Gapes to join the dogwhistling brigade with his deciding to highlight Diane Abbott’s poor use of grammar...by highlighting that she was using grammar correctly while Gapes’ attempts at grammar bullying only served to highlight his grasp of the English language could be better

It says it all that the Daily Mail was encouraging their readers to stop sponsoring the RNLI for the crime of using 2% of those donations to support causes abroad

To nobody’s surprise, as soon as John Humphrys was out the door he harrumphed about the BBC’s “liberal bias” to the Daily Mail - as if over thirty years of his using the Today programme as a platform of his right-wing views and generally being a miserable twat

How generous of Tim Martin to say that, as the UK had left the Customs Union, Wetherspoons could now charge 20p less per pint...except Britain hadn’t left the Customs Union, revealing that Martin could have cut prices long ago if he wanted to, but he obviously felt he didn’t need to as the chain’s profits weren’t nosediving as a direct consequence of Tim Martin alienating half of his customer base for the past three years

According to reports, Nicalis head honcho Tyrone Rodriguez went to the same business school as Channel Awesome supremo Mike Michaud, judging by the reports coming out that he would go weeks without answering any calls - which is not what an indie dev who sent their game over to Nicalis to be ported wants to discover - as well as a laundry list of evidence of him not realising he isn't a 14-year old edgelord who can only talk in raicst, antisemitic, homophobic or ablest slurs, on top of his charming habit of bullying members of staff

In the latest attempt by PewDipShit to prove he's not beholden to the alt-right section of his fanbase he offered to donate $50,000 to the Anti-Defamation League...and when that same alt-right section of his fanbase kicked up a fuss, he cancelled the donation and waffled about “taking responsibility” while demonstrating that how averse he is to the idea

This month it was John Ocasio-Nolte who was getting insanely triggered by Greta Thunburg, taking to Twitter to suggest she either needs to be spanked or receive psychological counselling (which worked about as well as can be expected the second the tweet was posted) while Dinesh D’Souza said she looks just like images used for Nazi propaganda as if that means anything other than Dinesh D’Souza spend hours going through Google image searches to try and find something, anything that would serve as the basis of an utterly batshit proclamation that his moron followers would swallow

Not a good look for Focus Home Entertainment to decide that, once their deal to distribute Frogwares’ games expired, their solution would be to drop all of Frogwares’ games from every online store - yet rather than return the code to Frogwares, instead they’d be keeping those as well because if Focus Home can’t sell those games, no-one can

It’s not a surprise to see The Sun forgot the faux outrage they stoked last December at trying to say Jeremy Corbyn called Theresa may a “stupid woman” (even though any lipreader will tell you he said “stupid people” of the entire Tory front bench) judging by their response to proven liar Boris Johnson calling Corbyn a “big girl’s blouse” was to dispatch one of their hacks to Corbyn’s house the following dya waving an item of women’s clothing at him, seemingly under the impression this looked anything other than mad

Meanwhile The Daily Telegraph wrote a piece comparing waffling gargoyle Nigel Farage to Britait’s Icarus...somehow forgetting how the story of Icarus ended

Britain’s most triggered man Piers Moron Morgan took to Twitter to howl about how Dora the Explorer discourages men from becoming explorers.  I’m guessing that he forgot how Indiana Jones and Nathan Drake exist...

What would a month be without Donald Trump doing something utterly lunkheaded?  Not this month, that’s for sure, judging by his response to mistakenly claiming that Hurricane Dorian was heading to Alabama wasn’t to admit the mistake or even never mention it again, but instead draw on a weather map with a Sharpie to make it look like Dorian’s path would now head into Alabama - so not only did he prove he can’t admit to being wrong, but he’s so thin-skinned his being wrong eats at him so much he can’t let his being wrong go, which only draws attention to his being wrong in the first place