#there is so. so much fucking emotional baggage here. years worth. an entire life time's worth.

[moe-broey]

Ooufhgh.

[moonstruckbucky]

Say Love [one shot]

Summary: You and Bucky are at a stand-still in your relationship, all because neither of you can say three little words.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: Idiots in love, a smidge of angst, the rest is fluff.

Notes: So this is a fun fic, but it’s also a very real fic. I know I’ve had that should-I-shouldn’t-I when it comes to saying the L word in a relationship, so this is for anyone that’s had that struggle. Enjoy & let me know what you think! x

P.S. - it’s also a birthday present to @captain-kelli aka MY WIFE 💕

It’s palpable, the tension. A smothering, suffocating heavy cloud stretching between the two of you, and you almost wonder how you got here, to this hurdle in your relationship.

It builds like an avalanche - a tiny, harmless snowball that’s picked up speed as it rolls, rolls, rolls, until it’s so big you can’t be in the same room as him without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.

Even now, on a night meant for the two of you, you feel distanced from him - despite sitting beside each other on the couch. You’re pressed up against his side, It’s a Wonderful Life playing on the screen - a favorite of Bucky’s. It’s supposed to be a bonding time for you, but you’ve never felt so far away from him.

His arm is around you, but it’s stiff, and where his fingers would normally dance across your skin, raise goosebumps in their wake, now they’re still, limp. Careless.

And despite the movie being a favorite, he looks utterly bored when you peek up at him from under your lashes. Eyes vacant, fingers of his vibranium hand holding up his head, teeth chewing on his bottom lip. 

You wonder if he feels it too, this mountain that’s suddenly erected between you.

You’ve been dating eight months - is he bored with you already? Disinterested? “Just not feeling it anymore”? Is he too afraid of hurting you, and it’s why he hasn’t said anything yet? Is he waiting for you to get fed up and leave?

Because you won’t, you can’t. Despite this emotional gap between you, you feel a connection to him you haven’t felt before. He’s level-headed where you can be chaotic - being an Avenger is probably to thank for that - and he’s soft spoken despite his large, often gruff exterior.

He’s a perfect counterbalance to who you are - how could you not fall in love with him almost as soon as you met him?

Part of you believes that if Bucky didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t. He’s sure of himself, thanks to the hard work he’s done for himself since being officially recruited as an Avenger. He’d told you a little of how difficult it had been - in the 30s and 40s, people didn’t openly talk about their struggles, least of all with a psychologist; they just lived with them. 

It only made you fall for him even harder, for the sheer strength he has and the determination to come to grips with what’s happened to him.

But it seems those feelings are one-sided, and the revelation sits like lead in your stomach. With pressure building behind your eyes, you fake a yawn.

“I think I should go,” you mutter, thankful that your voice doesn’t crack. Bucky turns his eyes to you, wide and - is that disappointment?

“Oh, yeah, okay. I’ll call you a cab?”

You stand up with a shake of your head. “Not necessary, I’ll get an Uber on my way down.”

He walks you to the elevator, hands in his pockets and feeling awkward. The kiss you share is quick, chaste, and stiff, much like the rest of your evening tonight. When you turn your back to him to enter the elevator, your chin wobbles.

Bucky stands in the hallway for a while after you’ve gone, his thoughts running away from him. He can’t be the only one between you who felt that distance, could he?

Have you changed your mind about him? Realized the former Winter Soldier isn’t who you want to give your heart to? Perhaps all the atrocities he’s committed are truly too much for you to handle.

He couldn’t blame you if they were and yet... You own his entire being, body and soul. If you were to leave him, a large part of him would go with you, a piece he isn’t sure he’d be able to get back. 

He knows you noticed his demeanor tonight, the way he hid behind himself in an effort of self-preservation. He nearly made himself bleed from biting his tongue so hard to keep three words he didn’t think he’d ever say from slipping out. He didn’t want to scare you, to make you run off,

but it seems he managed to do that anyways.

Bucky leans forward, bonks his head on the elevator once, twice, three times before a door opening behind him makes him pause.

“Are you done brooding yet?”

Bucky’s shoulders drop, in no mood for Sam’s ribbing. The man teases out of love and respect - it’s just how their relationship is - but tonight, he can’t bring himself to return the dig. He turns away from the elevator, shoulders up to his ears and hands still in his pockets.

Sam’s face changes when he takes in Bucky’s posture, and he sighs, leaning up against the frame of his door.

“What’s up, Tin Man?” he prods gently. 

Bucky’s eyes find a place just over Sam’s shoulder, torn between opening up to Sam about the turn his relationship has taken and remaining silent, attempt to sort through it himself.

A helpless look at Sam, and the dark-skinned man opens the door wider, turning to the side to allow Bucky entrance.

“Talk to me, man. You look like someone kicked your dog.”

Sam offers Bucky a seat on his couch, an expensive, black leather that feels as cushy as a cloud. The man leans back, crosses his arms over his chest. The black metal of his arm catches the low lighting in Sam’s room, turns the gold bronze.

“I think she’s going to break up with me,” he starts, and before he knows it he’s spilling all of his insecurities to Sam. The other man listens patiently, cocking his head curiously at some parts and pursing his lips for others.

Bucky half-expects the man to jab at him - joke about how she finally realized what a mess he is - but to his surprise (and relief; he has enough self-hatred for both of them), Sam nods sagely and looks almost empathetic. It would throw Bucky for a loop, if he and Sam haven’t come to some middle ground.

Steve would be so proud of them.

“Then she’s not worth it, Buck,” comes Sam’s response almost immediately after Bucky’s finished. The brunet’s eyes go wide. “If she can’t handle you as you are, if that’s too much for her, then it isn’t worth it. I like her, man, but I like you a lot better, and you deserve somebody who’s going to take your baggage, embrace it, accept it, and help make you better for it. And you shouldn’t have to settle for anything less.”

Bucky wants to argue, say that you are absolutely worth it, but the words get stuck in his throat. He knows Sam is right, acknowledges that yes, he has more baggage than most, but also that he does deserve someone who’ll accept him regardless of it.

But haven’t you? Eight months in and Bucky had been sure you’d accepted him for who he had been, not just who he is now. But perhaps you’d changed your mind. Perhaps you’d thought long and hard over it and realized a broken soldier wasn’t who you wanted at all.

He couldn’t blame you, but it still hurts to think about.

“I think you need to talk to her,” Sam continues, watching the emotions play out over Bucky’s face - shock, sadness, realization, and finally, utter heartbreak. Sam feels no pleasure whatsoever in telling Bucky this, but he’s never one to beat around the bush. His years as a VA counselor wouldn’t let him.

“Talk to her, and find out where her head’s at. It’s the only way you’re going to know.”

You don’t talk to Bucky for two weeks. After leaving the Avengers compound, you thought it best to distance yourself, prepare your heart for the eventuality that Bucky would break it off. But it’s even worse that he doesn’t contact you at all, and you begin to resent it.

Bitterness ekes into everything you say and do, your very being so clouded by resentment you’re not even sure who you are anymore. You don’t recognize yourself or the cynicism your attitude seems to have adopted. 

You hate it.

In a whirlwind of anger, resentment, and self-loathing, you drive to the compound. Flash the card Bucky had given you for access whenever he didn’t come pick you up himself. The gate rolls open, and your heart pounds with the notion that this might be the last time you'll ever see it.

You take the elevator up to Bucky’s floor, hands twisting together as you sort through every thought you’ve had in the past two weeks. Doing so reignites your anger, puts a scowl on your face that could curdle milk.

Bucky’s surprised to see you - even more so to see that look on your face - when he opens his door after you’ve slammed your fist against it.

“What the fuck is going on, Bucky?” you demand, and he winces, steps aside and waves you in so that the two of you don’t draw attention.

His shoulders hunch, hands sliding into his pockets - a clear sign that he’s feeling out of his element and is trying to make himself very, very small. In the space of his bedroom, your anger cools a little, fond memories of time spent in the space taking you over.

“Are we over?” you ask, outright, and Bucky’s head snaps up in alarm. “I mean, did I miss any hints you might’ve been dropping? Am I just making a fool of myself by being here, trying to fix this?”

Bucky’s mouth opens and closes like a fish, rendered speechless and dumb by your questioning. It isn’t what he’d been expecting, and it’s caught him off guard.

“I- what?” He shakes his head as your eyes turn sad and manages to connect his brain to his mouth. “Where the hell did you get that idea?”

Eyes going steely, you straighten your shoulders. “Well, considering you acted like you’d rather have been anywhere else but with me the last time we saw each other, paired with the fact I haven’t heard from you in two weeks? What am I supposed to think?”

He laughs shortly, incredulous, until your eyes flare up in anger again, and he reins it in, but only just. He just can’t believe what he’s hearing from you, how all this time he thought you were bored of him - or scared. Either way, the relief warming his chest keeps the smile on his face.

Your posture is rigid and you move to take a step back as he closes the distance, but his arms wrap around you and tug you into his chest. The kiss he lays on you is firm but warm, an outpouring of emotion that slowly destroys the wall you’ve erected just to face him.

His hands are warm, even the metal appendage, where he grasps your face to keep you close to him. He sighs when your arms wrap around his waist, hands gliding up to his shoulders to grasp his shirt, and he swallows the little whimper you let loose. 

Until he tastes the salt on your lips and he pulls away.

Your eyes are glassy, tears leaking from the corners to slide glistening tracks down your cheeks. His thumbs brush them away as he smiles softly.

“Sweetheart, don’t cry,” he coos. He kisses you again before looking you in the eye. He wants to make sure you know he means every word. “I’m sorry I was a little emotionally constipated. I- I felt it, too, that weird air the last time you were here, and I thought you - I thought you had changed your mind about me, about us, and that you were just too shy to say anything. So I gave you your space even though it nearly killed me to do it. I thought it was what you wanted, but clearly I was wrong.”

Bottom lip trembling, you sniffle and wipe your nose on your sleeve. “No, I... I could have called. I know you felt a little off that night, too. I was just. I didn’t know how much I could push, if you even wanted that conversation at all. I guess I just thought it was your way of saying you were done with me.”

He chuckles, deep and reverberating, and he shakes his head. “Never gonna happen. I love you too much.”

He enjoys the change on your face - the surprise and then the utter elation - and he grins like the cat that ate the canary.

“You what?”

Bucky isn’t sure why he’d been so scared to say it before, not when you’re looking at him like he’s the center of your universe. 

“I love you,” he repeats, punctuating it with a kiss to the corner of your mouth. “And I should’ve said it sooner, especially if you were having doubts.”

He’s entranced by the way you chew your lip thoughtfully, shrug a shoulder shyly. “I could’ve said it, too. I love you, Bucky.”

The smile that breaks upon his face is blinding, radiant. This man was born to smile like this all the time. And he’s mine, you think. He’s all mine.

You giggle, tuck your face into his neck as you shake your head. Still grinning, he holds you tight, chuckles in kind when you say, “We’re idiots.”

“Mm,” he hums in agreement. “But idiots in love.”

[wilwheaton]

The Purge.

Earlier this year, I made some significant and substantial changes to my life, continuing the process of growth and reflection that I started when I quit drinking almost four years ago. (Sidebar: it's remarkable how much clarity I got, and shocking how much pain I was self medicating for so much of my life. I'm so grateful for the love and support of my friends, my wife, and my kids, who supported me when it was clear that I needed to get alcohol out of my life. Be honest with yourself: if you're self medicating emotional pain and/or childhood trauma like I was, give some serious consideration to working on the root issues you're using booze to avoid. I'm so much happier and healthier since I quit, and that's almost entirely because I was able to confront, head on, why I was so sad and hurting so much of the time. I'm not the boss of you, but if you need a gentle nudge to ask for help, here it is: nudge.)

Anyway.

As I was cleaning up my emotional baggage, working on strategies to protect myself from my abusers, and practicing mindfulness daily, I realized that I had a ton of STUFF just sitting around my house, cluttering up my physical living space the way my emotional trauma and pain was cluttering up my emotional space. So I made a call, and hired a professional organizer to come to my house, go through all my bullshit with me, and help me get rid of all the things I didn't need any more.

This process was, in many ways, a metaphor.

We spent several days going through my closets, my game room, my storage spaces in my attic and shed, and eventually ended up with FIVE TRUCKLOADS of stuff I didn't need. Most of it was clothes and books and things that we donated to shelters, which was really easy to unload. I acquire T-shirts so much, I regularly go through my wardrobe and unload half of what I have, so it's easy to get rid of stuff without any emotional attachments.

But there were some things that were more difficult to get rid of, things that represented opportunities I once had but didn't pursue, things that represented ideas that I was really into for a minute, but didn't see through to completion, things that seemed like a good idea at the time but didn't really fit into my life, etc.

I clearly recall giving away a TON of electronic project kits to my friend's son, because he's 11, he loves building things, and he'll actually USE the stuff I bought to amuse myself while I tried to make a meaningful connection to my own 11 year-old self, who loved those things back then too. When I looked at all of these things, I had to accept and admit that 47 year-old me isn't going to make that connection through building a small robot, or writing a little bit of code to make a camera take pictures. I can still connect to that version of myself, but I do it now through therapy, through my own writing, my own meditation. For the longest time, I didn't want to let these things go, because I felt like I was giving up on finding that connection I was seeking, but what I didn't realize (and didn't know until I made the decision to let it go) was that I didn't need STUFF to recover something I'd lost and wanted to revisit.

I think that, by holding on to these kits and similar things, I was trying to give myself the opportunity to explore science and engineering and robotics in a way that young me was never given. Just about everything I wanted to do, that I was interested in when I was 11, was pushed aside, minimized, and sort of taken away from me by my parents. My dad made fun of everything I liked, and my mom made me feel like the only thing I should care about was the pursuit of fame and celebrity. Without parental support and encouragement, I never got the chance to find out if any of these other things would be interesting enough to me to think about pursuing them in higher education. Yes, for some reason, even when I was a really small kid, I was already thinking about where and when I would go to college. I never took even a single class, because I was so afraid of so many things when I was college age, but that's its own story, for another time.

As we went through just piles and piles of bullshit, it got easier and easier to just mark stuff for donation. That drone I used to fly for fun, that I kinda sorta told myself would eventually be used to film something I wrote? Get rid of it, that's never gonna happen. The guitar I kinda played a little bit when I was a teenager, but never really learned how to play properly? Give it to someone who is going to love it and play it so much, it lets them express their creativity in ways I was never able to. All those books I bought to make me a better poker player? Gone. All the books I bought to learn how to program in Python, Perl, Java, and even that old, used, BASIC book I picked up because I thought it would be fun to finally write that game I always dreamed about when I was ten? Give them all to someone who is actually going to *do* that, instead of just think about it.

It was, at first, really hard to get rid of this stuff, because I felt like I was admitting to myself that, even though I *could* paint all these minis (like I did when I was a teenager), even though I *could* study all of these books on Python and Arduino hacking, and probably make something kind of cool with that knowledge, I was never going to. I came to realize that having these things was more about holding on to the *possibility* that they represented. It was more about maintaining a connection to some things that once made me really happy. When I was a kid, I LOVED copying Atari BASIC programs out of a magazine and playing the games that resulted, because it was an escape from my father's bullying and my mother's neediness. When I was a teenager, I LOVED the time I spent (badly) painting Space Marines and Chaos Marines, because it gave me an escape from everything that was so hard about being me when I was 14. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I spent hundreds of hours trying to learn the same five songs on the guitar, never mastering a single one of them. My time would have been much more wisely invested in learning the scales and chords that I declared were more boring than picking my way through the tablature for Goodbye Blue Sky.

And that all brings me to the thing that was simultaneously the hardest and most obvious thing to donate: all my Rock Band gear.

Did you know that the first Rock Band, which I and my kids and my friends played for literally a thousand hours, came out twelve years ago? Beatles Rock Band is a decade old this year. Rock Band 3 is ten years old, too.

I hadn't played Rock Band in almost five years when my friend asked me what I wanted to do with all these plastic guitars, both sets of pretend drums, and all the accessories that were stacked up neatly in the corner of my gameroom.

But a decade ago, Anne and I would send the kids off to their biodad's house, or to their friends' for a sleepover, have some beers, and play the FUCK out of Rock Band, almost every Saturday night. My god, it was so much fun for us to pretend that we were rocking all over the world, me on the drums, Anne on the vocals. Frequently, we'd get the whole family together to play, and we'd spend an entire evening pretending to be on tour together, blasting and rocking our way through the Who, Boston, Green Day, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Dead Kennedys, and others. It brought us all closer together, and was incredibly valuable for our bonding, at a time when we really needed that.

And I was holding onto all these things, these fake plastic guitars and who even knows how many gigs of DLC, because I didn't want to lose my connection to those days. Part of me hoped that we'd all get together and play again, like we did when my kids were in their teens, like I would when I hosted epic Rock Band parties at Phoenix Comicon, or PAX, back before the world was on fire.

But when I looked at those things, neatly stacked up and untouched except by dust for years, I knew that we weren't going to play again, and that I didn't need these things in my house to validate the memories.

Back in those days, when Ryan and I would spend an entire Saturday afternoon and evening trying to complete the Endless Setlist on Expert (we never did, but we got to Green Grass and High Tides more than once), real musicians would smugly tell us that we were having fun the wrong way, that we should be learning REAL instruments instead of pretending to have already mastered them. I would always argue that the whole POINT of Rock Band was the fantasy. Can you imagine telling a 100 pound kid that he should be playing real football instead of Madden? Of course not, and yet.

But it kinda turns out that some of those smug musicians were right. As I packed up those plastic fake guitars and drum kits, put them into the truck with my real guitar, I had a small twinge of regret, that I had been focused on the fantasy, instead of developing a skill that I could still use today (the last time I attempted Rock Band, maybe four years ago, I couldn't get through a single song on Hard, much less Expert. My skills had faded, and it wasn't worth the effort to restore them). And then I stopped myself, because that's EXACTLY the kind of thinking that stopped me from following my dreams when I was a kid. What was important to me ten years ago, what's still important to me today, was the time I spent with my wife, with my kids, with our family, with my friends, pretending that we were something we weren't. We were doing something together, and that is what matters. Today, I can't recall anything specific about all the nights Anne and I played, though I know we worked our way through hundreds of songs together. But I can clearly recall how much fun it was.

Ryan and I still talk about the time I accidentally turned the Xbox off, when I meant to just power down my toy guitar, after we'd been trying to play the Endless Setlist on Expert for five hours.

Over the years, I had accumulated all this stuff that I was unwilling to let go of, because I felt like that would also mean letting go of the memories that were associated with those things. I felt like getting rid of things without following through on their intended use was admitting defeat, or being a quitter.

But after a year or so of daily, intense, therapy and reflection, after ending contact with toxic and abusive people who were exerting tremendous control over me, these things stopped being the keys to unopened doors, and they just became THINGS that I had to constantly move around to get them out of my way. Because I didn't need them anymore. I didn't need to pain minis like I did when I was 15, because I'm not 15. I'm not living with an abuser and his enabler. I'm not working for a producer who makes it clear to me at every opportunity that he owns me and has complete control over whether or not I'll have a film career.

I didn't need ANY of these things, and once I realized that, unloading them and getting them to people who DO need them felt as freeing and empowering as writing a goodbye letter.

I kept a few things that were still useful, or brought me joy. Books, mostly, and of course all my dice and games. It felt GOOD to admit that I'm never going to learn guitar, or build an Arduino-controlled anything. It felt GOOD and empowering to know that I'm a writer. I get my joy and explore my possibilities through storytelling and character development. THAT is what I love, and by getting rid of all this old stuff (and its emotional baggage) I created space in my life to be the person I am now, a person I love, in a life that is amazing.

I still have some emotional clutter, which is to be expected and isn't a big deal. The really cool thing is that I have physical and emotional space, now, to deal with it.

[allforhader]

Dream a Little Dream of Me

Bill Hader x (F) Reader

Requested By: @designersophisticate

Warnings: Langauge

[ e/c : eye color]

Having those second thoughts after years of a commitment you thought was going to last until you’re buried six feet under...yeah. As much as that is dark. I never thought I’d feel this way about someone again.

“Hey, Y/N did you see that TMZ article?”

“Kristen the fact that you’re saying TMZ, I’m already disinterested”

“Well yeah. But if it’s about you, shouldn’t you read it?”

“What’s so interesting about my life that’s got TMZ all over it?” Y/N laughs at the thought because besides being a married successful actor, what interesting thing can they get?

“As much as TMZ isn’t the best source the fans should look at, this stuff can still hurt actors” Kristen states showing Y/N the article off her phone.

Y/F/N Y/L/N seen with Bill Hader without their significant others—Is there something there?

Y/N gave it a neutral look before handing Kristen her phone back. “Textbook rumor, hell. It was probably a teen that wrote that”

“Are you going to tell Bill or have him find out himself?”

“Knowing him and media, I’m gonna have to tell him” Y/N laughs before pulling up the article on her phone and sending it to Bill.

Bill: Wow. Haha, that’s a textbook rumor

Y/N: Thats what I told Kristen lol

Bill: So...You’re already in New York for SNL Saturday right?

Y/N: Right?

Bill: You want to grab drinks? Night before of course

Before Y/N can say anything more she stops herself from replying when her husband texted her. A smile formed on her face loving that he did but there’s so much more to it...

Evan: Hey baby!

Evan: Hope New York ain’t that humid like it is here. Honestly if it weren’t for our careers, we would totally be in a colder state. Can’t stand the heat

Evan: but yknow. LA is home lol

Evan: Speaking of LA, TMZ made a ridiculous article lmao. If I didn’t know already that you and Bill are just friends, I’d be worried. But again...It’s TMZ

Evan: Anyway! I love you

Y/N: I love you too

Bill frowns seeing she hasn’t responded and feels like he’s come on a little strong when...it’s just drinks.

“Hey, you gotta get going or you’ll miss your flight” Maggie smiles handing Bill his coat before he left.

He of course kisses his wife goodbye, but the lingering feeling in his chest grew.

When Bill was in the air he decided to shoot a text to Y/N indicating that he invited their friends but Y/N didn’t receive it. Reception and everything. But—

Y/N: I’d love to

was sent before Bill’s when his plane landed and he didn’t realize until it sent.

Bill: I invited Kate, Kenan, Fred, and Kristen...John is a maybe and Seth isn’t going to be in town.

“Shit. Should’ve—-fuck” Bill frowns waiting in baggage claim when Fred scared the man out of the blue. Even if Bill did know he was his ride.

Y/N sat in her hotel room staring at the text for a minute before checking the time and suddenly getting a semi crazy idea.

Y/N: You told me the other day you got a late flight...wondering if you want to order in some room service at my hotel room. If you’re not tired

Bill: Fred picked me up from the airport if you don’t mind him tagging along

Y/N: More the merrier :)

More the merrier...

After arrival and ordering in, Fred and Bill had already started to argued with each other about true crimes as Y/N sat back watching the two go back and forth. She laughs as she drinks her wine.

“So does it always end with her snapping?”

“No but when she snaps-“

“She snaps”

“Okay” Y/N laughs setting down her glass as Bill couldn’t help but smile enjoying her laugh.

“Well. I’m gonna get some sleep. I’ll see you two tomorrow” Fred got up giving Bill a look before leaving the two alone.

“Damn and I was just starting to enjoy your talk about true crime. I’m more into medical dramas”

“Like Grey’s?”

“Oh definitely Grey’s” Y/N smiles laughing as Bill moves himself beside her on the bed leaning against the headboard. “Did you even start it when I recommended it to you?”

“Okay I got up to season...eight and that is a shitton of Drama for me to handle”

“And yet you watch Snapped like it’s something you can’t live without”

“Ok ok...Snapped. Is the greatest show that I don’t even have a valid reason to explain why I like it so much.” Bill states looking over at Y/N as he...found himself lost in a thought.

Can’t really say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. What if my life would’ve been different if I met Y/N before I got married? It clearly would’ve been different but would life have gone the same route as it is now...I’m lucky. Fuck. Lucky she’s in my life as it is...just

Friday rehearsals went by fast, Bill got a kick out of watching Y/N take off the liquid latex off her eyebrows. He laughs as he hands her the makeup wipes to get off the residue. Y/N rolls her eyes flicking Bill in the forehead for laughing at her.

“Y/N, John is looking for you. Wants to run lines again” Fred smiles watching Y/N clean up a bit before going to find John.

“Didn’t John leave before the rest of us?”

“Yeah but I wanted a minute to ask you”

“Ask me what?”

“I don’t know. Guess I’m stalling” Fred wasn’t stalling, he honestly wanted to be nosey asking if anything more happened when he was gone. He didn’t think exactly that. But the thought did cross his mind. “Uh. So about drinks tonight. That’s still down?”

“You really has to ask without Y/N present? Yeah it’s still down” Bill laughs patting Fred’s back before grabbing his things.

Soon the gang was hitting the bar late and really just enjoying each other’s time. Fred handed Kristen and Y/N their drinks as Kenan handed Kate and Bill theirs.

“You owe new a game of darts Fred”

“You are so on” Fred laughs at Kenan as he immediately got up from the booth.

“So Y/N, how’s your life in LA?” Kate smiles. “I have a role down there and wanted to know if there’s anything worth it”

“Well if you’ve in LA as long as I have, it’s pretty much worth seeing everything. When you have the time of course” Y/N smiles taking a sip of her wine catching Bill’s gaze on her which instantly made him look away.

“None of us have been in LA as long as you have. Literally. The phrase that “no one is from LA” is true when it comes to you” Kristen smiles watching Y/N shrug. “What’s stopping you from leaving?”

“Yeah, and don’t say career. Because you can easily live here and become a full on regular for SNL. Also get a few gigs here” Kate states as Y/N rolls her eyes smiling.

“I would do anything to get out of LA...but yknow. My husband is the reason.”

“God I hate that” Bill says out of the blue catching all three of them staring at him as he quickly downs his scotch. “Um. Y’know. If they really love and support you. You can do anything. But if they don’t...”

“They aren’t the one for yeah” John cuts in sliding into the booth beside Y/N. “Sorry for coming late. Had to get a few last minute ideas run by Lorne”

“You’re all good. But Kenan and Fred have beat you to the dart board”

“Shit. I call winner, re-fills?” John asks catching a nod from everyone but Y/N. “Want a new drink or?”

“Or...I’m gonna walk back to my hotel. Not feeling that great”

“Already? Damn...well at least get drinks with me when I’m in LA?”

“Of course Kate, see you guys tomorrow” Y/N smiles grabbing her coat and leaving the booth.

Bill watches her go giving John a look as he shrugs pointing with his eyes. He immediately got up going to catch up with her. She wasn’t far...but he hesitated for a second.

“They aren’t the one for yeah” Thanks John. I’ll be thinking about that for the rest of my life. Or well...the rest of my marriage.

Y/N froze when she heard fast movement behind her indicating the short run Bill made. She looks at him confused as he gave her a concerned look.

“We...are in the same hotel. Want to walk with me?”

“Yeah..I do” Bill states catching a very light tint of pink growing on Y/N’s cheeks as she quickly looked away. “Um. Are you only leaving because of what I said?” he asks as they started walking side by side.

Yes. Because...well what am I supposed to say to you? I can’t live to you. You’re one of my best friends. Someone I can be honest with. But you...make my mind go blank for a good minute. Forgetting that I’m married. Married to someone I’m just trying to make it work with at this point...I love Evan don’t get me wrong...but god what would I do—

“Uh. Can I lie saying it didn’t bug me?”

“So it bugged you”

“Little bit”

“I’m sorry” Bill frowns wishing he didn’t say it at all or let his emotions be a factor in it all.

“Be honest with me?”

“Always”

“Are you and Maggie okay? Because there....um. Must’ve been more to it personally than the obvious” But what’s the obvious? That I’m in love with you? Shit.

“Well, she loves me. I love her. But...the feeling is mutual. We haven’t talked about it entirely but when...the spark dies. It dies” Bill said bluntly making Y/N think too hard about what he just said. She didn’t want to feel bad, a part of her felt differently. “We really just yknow what to get everything in order before officially”

“Yeah no...I get it. Well. Yeah I do. I get it” Y/N frowns before flinching to the sudden boom.

Bill looks at Y/N freak a tad to the boom which was the sound of thunder. It’s not New York without one day of rain. Let alone lightening. He instantly wraps his arm around her out of instinct directing her under an awning.

“Should’ve...taken a cab”

“Mm. We can make it. If you trust me out in the rain”

“If we get electrocuted. It’s God hating me” Fuck.

I trust him.

I know she trusts me.

He wouldn’t have said that...if there wasn’t something.

She doesn’t like talking about Evan. Could there...

There’s something else

Fuck. Be true.

I’m...Ive been....

After all these years...I can’t just call her a friend.

“Fuck. Even in a jacket I’m soaking....fuck” Y/N was shaking but not because of the rain. Being afraid of thunder is a completely different story that she didn’t have the time to explain, when her mind is wondering.

“Come on...you should get out of the wet clothes” Bill says as he rests his hand on her cheek catching her gaze. Her beautiful e/c eyes looking up at him catching a whole other feeling.

After getting out of her wet clothes, Y/N opens her hotel room door looking up at a very distressed Bill. She frowns letting him in and once the door closed, he turned back to her taking her face into his hands kissing her.

I shouldn’t have done that.

...mutual

Fuck

Y/N shortly after pushed Bill off giving him a worried look before suddenly laughing and breaking down into tears. I’m sorry.

“Y/N—“

“I-...God. You have no idea Bill Hader. No fucking idea”

“What do you mean?” Bill frowns trying to comfort her but Y/N retracted herself.

“I feel so out of place here. Like. God. You drive me insane! And I don’t mean in a negative way. It’s never in a negative way. I’m just—-terrified!” Y/N laughs as she choked up on her tears. “I’m...I’ve been in love with you ever since we got close. But I’m married—you’re married—-and adultery is a fucking....sin? Hell I’m not religious but it is! Like Bill don’t get me wrong” She states resting her hands on his chest looking up at him as he continued to have a worried look. “I...I want to be with you. But I can’t...can’t do that to Evan.”

Bill watches her continue to cry as he takes in a deep breath before exhaling and resting his hands on her cheeks making her look at her. “It’s terrifying...falling in love again...especially to someone who has already locked that down. You’re...not alone in that boat. And I....I don’t want to give you an ultimatum or whatever the right word is called but...”

But?

“I’m willing to wait until the end of my lifetime to be with you. I know the next chapter in my life and my wife is on the same page. But the one after that...I’m willing to wait forever if I have to. If it means being with you. I’m not going to force you Y/N. You mean the world to me, but I don’t want to hurt you for eternity by forcing you”

And that’s that. He said that and Y/N took it to heart. Knowing exactly the next thing she does.

Is her choice.

The two haven’t seen each other in six months the after that SNL night, let alone talk to each other. Bill got a divorce, and he has set time for himself until he got a role at the end of that six month period heading straight for New York. Pretty common place for movies to be shot but he didn’t want to go anywhere crazy at that moment. Stepping onto set first day meeting the people you’ll be working with for months wasn’t a hard thing to do, but being handed a physical script that has the character list within it. Bill took his seat at the table read opening the script and reading-

“Hey Hader” Y/N smiles sitting beside him setting down her copy of the script and her tea. “It’s been a while”

“It has...you cut your hair” Bill smiles admiring the new look of hers. Y/N shot him a smile before elbowing him.

“Working out for Barry still Huh?” Y/N smiles catching a laugh as Bill nods crossing his arms. “You’re perfect no matter what. Y’know that right?”

“I do, do you?”

“Of course” Y/N smiles as the two straighten up when it got time for the actual read.

Afterward...

“You have a ride?”

“Rental”

“Oh shit. Hold on. Did you pay for a hotel room yet?” Y/N asks confusing the fuck out of Bill as she laughs at the confused look. “Just answer it Bill”

“Not yet. I just got in to be honest”

“Stay with me then” Y/N smiles. “I live in a loft on 408 Greenwich Street...it’s not that far and I have plenty of room”

“Lead the way?” Bill tosses her his keys as Y/N smiles nodding.

She’s...still the same happy girl when he first met her. Even if they both been through a lot the past six months. A lot has changed but the one thing Bill worried about...hasn’t changed. Because she doesn’t want their relationship to change until...then

Bill looks out into the street from her loft’s window. It’s not that bad of a neighborhood. Makes him wonder if it’s ever crazy loud at night or if it’s safe. He wants her to be safe.

“So, how long have you been here?”

“Uh. A month. But I put a down payment two months ago. It’s nice right? Not too big. Not too small. Just right...” Y/N smiles walking over standing beside him. “How are you? How’s everything in LA?”

“I’m good. Everything is good” Bill smiles. “And you? Evan?”

“Well, the decision wasn’t mutual. But it brought more things to light. So...Yknow. It was a matter of time” Y/N shrugs. “But hey. We are finalizing it. He’s still in LA and I’m here. Kinda...starting over. Turning a new leaf” she laughs at how that can sound but he understood. He understood completely.

“So, I know...the wound is still fresh. But baby steps huh?”

“Yeah” Y/N smiles taking his hand into hers feeling him gently squeeze. “Baby steps”

[jered-bb]

Thoughts

Wow it has been a very long time since I posted here.

Retrospectively I wish I had done so more actively over the years. The posts I made from 2017-2018 are valuable to my current self and my ability to make sense of my past experiences and current situation.

There are so many updates I need to log from the last year+, most of them heartbreaking, but I will save that for another time.

For now I will merely reflect on a conversation I just had with Jandy.

Currently (and as of a couple of weeks ago) we are not dating any more. That’s a long story for another time. But today she was feeling very low and came over to spend some time. I gradually was able to coax some conversation out of her, about how she is feeling and why. It took a lot of comforting and patience on my part.

The gist of things is that she feels stuck and conflicted in many ways. She loves Paul but is not “in love” with him in the way she seems to feel for me. That makes her feel very guilty, because she has stronger feelings for her “ex” than for her husband.

She feels trapped because she does not have the career or financial means to be independent. She is terrified of breaking up with Paul because she has no money and no way to support herself. I mentioned she has a “support” network in the form of friends and family and she cast doubt on that, at one point admitting that even if she did move in with e.g. her sister she would feel terrible and “like a Dara to her”. (Wow, this really shows the opinion she has of Dara. Although I’ve known she is resentful/disdainful of her for a long time... I’ll come back to that in another post.)

On top of that, she would feel incredibly guilty to break up with Paul. She feels like she doesn’t treat him very well, and that he deserves better. She admits to still wanting to be with me even though I am distancing myself from relationships (and in particular, a relationship with her) right now.

I was very mindful of being patient and supportive and giving her space during this time. There were a few times I felt the impulse to get defensive but overall I think I resisted it fairly well.

I brought up codependent habits at one point and she agreed that she has a pattern of that, as well as there being some indicators of it in me in the past. This part tested my patience a bit because she got rather defensive and her tone changed a long the lines of “how dare you tell me things I already know after being in therapy for a couple of weeks, it might be new to you but it isn’t to me.” For one thing, it’s not “new to me”, for another I’m not trying to talk down to you, and finally it’s ironic for YOU to say “you think you know so much” after some therapy after you’ve done it for not that much more than me? Pot, kettle much?

Later on I talked about wanting to treat Paul better myself and she said I don’t treat him very well. I asked for some examples of that and what she said was rather... telling. In no specific order:

He was a "non-entity" to me

95% of the time I only asked what she wanted, or if I asked what he wanted it was through her (her % estimate)

I didn't help out as much as I expected him to (her example being when I asked for help moving the laser)

I didn't respect his boundaries like Jandy being "home by midnight"

On the one hand I think she has some fair points and I have seen some of that on my own and want to be more aware and conscientious of it. On the other hand, the way she talks about it and phrases things makes me wonder if we live in the same reality. It makes me confused and honestly like I'm being gaslit? I don't understand.

For example, the part about respecting boundaries. From my perspective, I have been very conscientious about that, often much more so than Jandy. There have been countless times I've had to remind her of the time and that she might need to go. Countless times I messaged Paul directly to let him know if Jandy had fallen asleep or update him in some way. Countless times I asked him directly if she could stay over.

Overall I was very conscious of boundaries and respected them greatly. Any time she spent more time past midnight, my assumption is that she had discussed or cleared that with him already because primarily it is her fucking duty to respect the boundaries between them, not mine.

Or the "helping out" part. Very, very rarely have I asked Paul for help with something. I can think of the laser, my toolchest, and maybe my arcade machine? Meanwhile they have asked me to help with things and I gladly did, like helping load free firewood, or moving the large free freezer they got, or moving bedframes around, or moving the chest freezer that I gave to them for free, or the time I worked with Leeds to tear up their entire fucking carpet. Yet somehow I don't do my fair share or consider Paul enough? He doesn't really ask often and when he does I'm happy to help, PLUS I have gone above and beyond even when there WASN'T a direct ask.

Things like these just... I don't really trust her. It's not that I think she's lying. I don't trust her brain. I don't trust her perception of things. Her trauma makes her hypersensitive to certain things or react strongly to others. She misremembers telling me or Paul something or vice versa. She completely forgot an entire emotional conversation I had with her about the... the...

Sigh.

At the same time, when she tells me I've been selfish or inconsiderate, I can't help but take it to heart. I do actually recognize that I am an inherently self centered person, and over the last two years I've come to realize a lot of my past behaviors and how shitty they've been. I have a lot of work to get closer to the type of person I want to be.

But it is that very self-awareness that causes friction between how I view certain events or patterns that have happened vs how she does. This is not helped by the fact that over time, her perception of how I act has varied greatly, even during times when there was no perceptible difference on my part. This is a hard thing to put into words... as an example, she has basically judged the amount of effort I have put into the relationship, or the care I show her, as fluctuating greatly over time, even over the span of a few weeks or months. But when I look back, my experience does not match that. The care I paid her was fairly stable, fluctuating a little bit but generally following an arc that spanned many months. She sees "change" in my behavior where I see non, either positive or negative. She will comment that things have gotten "better" when I haven't actually changed how I act or my patterns. Likewise, NOTHING may have changed and yet she will freak out over how my attention has faltered over time.

This is a constant battle within me trying to figure out what is real and what isn't. I recognize that my behavior may change much more - or much less - than I perceive. In addition, her feelings are valid - to an extent - regardless of the "actual" reality of the situation. Feelings don't always make perfect sense, and that is okay.

But at the end of the day, I guess I sort of as myself - is this worth it? Constantly doubting myself and my reality? Trying to figure out how much of what she is telling me matches what I know and feel? Feeling judged and watched and all these expecations around how she wants me to act? All for a person who LITERALLY has had waking hallucinations and was unofficially diagnosed by her counselor as having Borderline Personality Disorder?

I have erred on the side of compassion and trust for so long, and it has hurt me. I feel myself turning away from her and distancing myself because not only does it feel safer, but it gives me a chance to recenter myself and align myself to MY goals, MY life, MY feelings. She is in great pain, and I really feel for her. I still love her. But I can't let her drag me down. Almost the entire time I spent around her today I felt an anxious pit in the center of my stomach. Why would I want that when I could be free to be myself, unburdened by someone else's emotional baggage? It's selfish, yes, but I think it may be the healthy and sane thing to do.

[ramblingguy54]

How do you feel about the sudden shift in pacing in SUF? Personally, I was so disconcerted at first, I thought that it was /worse/ than the original series, then I rewatched, and realized that it was just really different. It's definitely a lot more blunt in the humor, and of course there's the whole Steven-not-knowing-everything-anymore-thing. What do you think?

The overall pacing of Steven Universe Future has been very enjoyable!

I genuinely find it to be pretty damn good actually, as its focus is crystal clear on where it should be. That being Steven Universe’s inner dilemma of what he’s supposed to do now the whole massive conflict with the Diamonds has been solved. As much as I loved Steven Universe’s story when it focused on the main conflict surrounding the Crystal Gems against their own planet and learning more about each of them, along with Rose’s entire backstory too, it still suffered from some of the Beach City episodes dragging it down in the pacing when it could’ve focused more on the other characters, like further exploring Lapis and Peridot’s chemistry for example. That isn’t to say I hated every single one, as some were actually enjoyable and gave me an appreciation for them in a sense. Sometimes it’s okay to take a breather and have a simple slice of life episode. Fun fact, I didn’t get into watching the OG series, until the movie was released last year, so that gave me more of a tolerance for the Beach City episodes. Makes me very glad that I waited this long because hoo boi some of the hiatus issues I’ve heard about from a close friend of mine, who got into watching this series when it first aired back then, weren’t pretty. LMAO!

Anyways, the idea surrounding Steven’s characterization of not-knowing-everything-anymore-thing, as you’ve put it, isn’t actually as weird, from I’ve heard some people make it out to be for a form of criticism that people on Tumblr have made rebuttals against before. It’s wonderfully consistent with what Steven’s character is all about and that’s trying to figure out his place in the world. This has always been a consistent struggle for himself, like the lyric mentioned in the full version of the series opening from Steven.

“I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I’m grown!”

Steven’s whole internal conflict surrounds not knowing whether or not he can exactly be like his mother, which puts a shit ton of insecurities on his own self-worth into trying to fit in with the other Crystal Gems because he’s not your average-every-day-kid that you see in society. He’s a special hybrid of human/gem that neither side of the species connected to him has ever seen before and that puts a ton of pressure onto how the boy feels a need to connect with both sides of himself. While he already has a deeply loving relationship with his father, Greg, Steven also wants to better understand that Gem lineage and why his mother was so revered by what he perceives to be these amazing warriors, who fight evil. Never mind putting this onto a kid’s existence, as soon as he or she’s brought into reality, but even an adult would struggle a lot with all this stuff. As the original story progressed, Steven learns all of the hardships the Crystal Gems faced many centuries ago and what his own mother did to protect the Earth in exchange for many issues Steven would have to handle, as soon as Pink Diamond gave up herself to create the child.

Holy shit, did he ever have to handle the baggage from Pink Diamond.

You should’ve shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn’t have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn’t even tell em. You bubbled me away and didn’t ever tell your friends! MY friends!

I’m going to tell them. I’m gonna tell them everything.

Then you really are better than HER…

Pivotal moments, like in the episode centered around Bismuth, paint everything in an entirely different light for Steve’s ideals based around his mother. At first, Rose Quartz was implied to be an individual who could do no wrong to any living thing, but hindsight from Bismuth’s trauma paints everything in an entirely different light for this poor boy having to take on the entire blunt of this figurative dagger. A question that is represented in the episode, Storm In The Room.

Did you make me, just so you wouldn’t have to deal with all your mistakes!?

Is that all I’m here for…?

I’ve went into more detail about this episode in a previous ask surrounding this topic, so you can check that one out in your free time, but the point I’m making here is Steven has centered a lot of himself around the idea of Rose Quartz being a self-less individual and helped many others through her actions that put this entire series into motion in the first place, but when all of that from this kid’s perspective is thrown out the window through tragic events that also happened in part because of her decisions, Steven starts questioning everything about his life. I’d like think in these moments Steven’s internal dialogue is worded around these types of statements.

“I wanted to be a savior, like her. Although, she did bad things, too! Am I no different from her? Can I truly help people without hurting them in the process?”

That’s why he helped the Crystal Gems in The Test Season 1 episode feel better about their own issues, while hiding how hurt the boy felt about being lied to about the obstacle course being 100% percent un-failable because Steven adopted the selfless image of his mother in this important moment. Steven listened in on a private conversation he had no business hearing from Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl that fueled this idea further of becoming a savior to all living things and put into perspective that these “amazing warriors” were in fact very insecure like himself and needed Steven in their lives, just as much as he did.

That’s why he helped heal Lapis before.

That’s why he helped Peridot open her eyes and come outta her shell.

I could go on and on, but in a nutshell Steven has made life revolve around others so much that feels only natural to help anyone he can, considering that’s what his mother believed in. Even if they’re morally questionable individuals, Steven still tries to see the good in everyone. His angry statements against Lars attitude about Rose put all of that into perspective to contemplate about.

What do you know about my mom!? I didn’t even get to know my mom, but I do know she saw beauty in everything! Even in stuff like this and even in jerks like you!

Steven’s only known what to do because he’s adopted the ideals of his mother so much. Kind of like being brought into existence like your typical Gems, where they’re programmed to feel that way and commit the actions they’re all built for. It’s poetic honestly that he’s helped everyone, but not himself in the long run. These issues were piling on since the start because Steven didn’t have to worry about feeling inferior because he could always help everyone in this series, but now that the events of Steven Universe Future have occurred this puts everything into a more deeply poignant light for the kid entering a more mature phase of his life now and is going to reflect on every little aspect of himself.

There’s no such thing as happily ever after. I’ll always have more work to do.

But if there’s nothing to work out…

Steven Universe Future is a brilliant character study pay off to all those five seasons that were paving the way to this cementing the idea that Steven has issues that are spiraling outta control from putting all of independence into the idea that he has to be a savior like his mother was. Much like how Spinel was so attached to Pink Diamond as a “best friend”, Steven puts so much faith into the mindset that he has must stick his guns and stay that perfect savior everyone knows/loves. It’s unhealthy emotional attachment that is coming to light with these Pink outbursts of his. While he still loves what his mother stood for, despite feeling very conflicted about her in general these days, still strives to be the best parts of her and not the worst, hence the ending of the Rose Buds episode where he puts the painting of her pure persona into Lion’s mane realm.

It’s entirely reversed roles now where the Crystal Gems and mostly everyone are fine, but Steven is far from being emotionally stable currently in recent events. Steven Universe The Movie built the subversive punchline that this epilogue series has been delivering strongly on so far and hope it will continue to do so. I’ve loved how they’ve deconstructed Steven’s characterization.

To end this lengthy post, I’ll refer to these words from Jasper that sums up everything on Steven’s issues. She may have been seriously harsh, but Jasper aint wrong in some ways about Steven feeling very low on himself in general.

You think everyone needs help, but its only you! No one is as pitiful as you!

On a side note, regarding the humor real quick in Future, I can see why you’d think its more blunt. It’s very on the nose with how much it pokes fun at itself, but honestly I don’t have issues with it all. I don’t know about you, but I find it fucking hilarious how they’ve been openly taking potshots at their previous ideas in the story line. I’m always down for a creative team being snarky with themselves!

Thanks for taking the time to read this detailed post of mine! =)

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther, baby, with me

In honor of tonight’s Berens/Glynn episode (!!!!), I’d like to take y’all on a magical journey in which I share why I think Dean and Cas got together in season 12. 

Keep in mind that this post takes for granted that Dean and Cas are in love with each other and that their relationship has been increasingly coded as romantic with each passing season. Consequently, what this post does is point out some key moments in their relationship and argue why they don't get together before 12. I'll also go briefly over 13 and 14 for reasons I'll explain later in the post. First, though, let me go over seasons 4 through 11, with some pit stops along the way:

Seasons 4 & 5: this isn’t the destiel you are looking for. the ust is delicious, yes, and i, too, got sucked in posthaste immediately groped by an angel lj community style. At this point Cas is still too alien for anything beyond the development we see on screen happen. HOWEVER, season 5 is the first time we get to see Cas being human (The End) and Cas being less connected to heaven and how that affects his behavior. This will matter. 

Seasons 6 & 7: the pining omg the pining. The notable things I want to point out with these seasons is a. this is the beginning of Cas doing things to spare Dean and it not ending well (Cas dies #1, soulless!Sam); b. Dean is v. sad; and c. we also start noticing the emotional toll of Cas’s divided loyalties and how human he has actually become since s4. Hurty feels all around.  

Season 8: purgaytory babes aw yeah! Still lots of terrible awful pining. This is a turning point with the addition of the bunker as tfw hq: we have a home in play now, a static emotional center. Cas is still off doing his own thing, Dean still wishes Cas would just let him (+ Sam) help out. Cas going off on his own leads to disaster #2 (Angels fall, Cas loses his Grace). For all deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much of a gap between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 & slaughtering angels & leviathan. On the other hand, we do see Dean being more emotionally open, but to no avail. Bad timing. This is a trend. [oop also worth noting we get Dean being kinda done with the one night stand thing because always with the adios and ahem also hint hint Cas refusing to stay put]

Seasons 9 & 10: aka Dean and Cas make bad decisions, but mostly Dean. The biggest turning point here is Cas being human for an extended period of time. There is still plenty of spec over the effects of being human on Cas’s Grace and his Soul. What we can say for sure, though, is that Cas is much more human once he becomes an angel again. In contrast to s8, s9 sees Cas being vulnerable and Dean pushing him away (first because of Gadreel, which he didn’t want to do really and that’s even sadder kdjfgksdfj & later because he was pushing everyone away due to the mark).  

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait: there’s been so much amazing fic and spec about this episode with its fanfiction gap, but I can’t see a deancas get together here, folks. I know, it’s terrible. The lying from Dean and the hurt from Cas, imo, make the distance between them quite insurmountable at this point. While the episode is amazing (Bobo’s debut, too! So ♥) and has some notorious subtext throughout, I just can’t see the character bridging that gap into anything physical, much less emotional. Nevertheless, this episode does show perhaps the first intentional romantic tableaux with Dean and Cas, and that’s not nothing. 

10.16 Paint it Black: from the point Dean gets the mark of cain until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible. But one of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. For one, it’s a rare bit of emotional honesty from Dean and for two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the thing between them, it’s still uncharted waters. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6.  Anyway, he’s the full confession, so we can put a pin on it:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. [...]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. [...]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more, which all culminates in season 11, so...

Season 11: The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Luci (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems and by the end of the season we’re getting a clean slate. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. What this season does that is also super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible. 

11.04 Baby: Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? The convo between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development in on of the things Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all.  SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Compare this exchange with what we get from 11.11 and 11.19:

11.11 Into the Mystic: I’m bringing this episode as a crossreference to 10.16 and to show again that for all the closeness between Dean and Cas there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin'...If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [...]  Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters: Continuing our trek regarding Dean wanting certain things we have this gift of an episode with Jesse and Cesar, and this exchange:

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13. 

Alright, now having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point in retrospect, after getting smacked by the domesticity of 13 and 14. Under the cut because I can’t shut up, and things are long enough as is. 

Season 12:  Finally, the promise land, y’all. So, what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. Important to keep in mind that until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. 

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim). 

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You): Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it.

Offscreen happenings: Mixtape, how Cas knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow. This is hella suspicious. 

12.19 The Future: This episode changes everything, y’all (bobo and meredith, folks, bobo and meredith ksjdhfakjshlfksd). Consider watching this episode again and pay attention to some weird things: 1. Dean’s reaction to Cas going awol. Compare it to Sam’s, who is like whoa Dean chill. Now, thought experiment, imagine something happened between Dean and Cas, and then just radio silence from Cas. Imagine how Dean would react with getting ghosted by Cas specifically after something happened between them.  2. Cas comes back to the bunker with the specific goal of stealing the Colt, which he already knew was under Dean’s pillow -- something Sam didn’t even know.  3. “He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But Cas clearly knew where the Colt was already, which means something happened before  Cas came back to the bunker. Cas played Dean in seeming to have reconsidered not working with Sam and Dean wrt Kelly. This is still a point of drama, but it leads somewhere else (see s13 & s15). 4. WHEN DID DEAN GIVE CAS THAT MIXTAPE OMG 5. Dean and Cas’s brief convo in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together -- because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth. 

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him -- Dean is clearly shook by it -- Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) -- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow -- ???? -- Cas goes awol -- Dean acts like he got ghosted by his partner.

Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But ymmv, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication. 

Ok, maybe the narrative is still too subtle (?????), but as I said before, looking at 12 with the knowledge of 13 and 14 does offer a new perspective because of the difference in dynamic between Dean and Cas. I know lots of people look at 14, mainly, as having dialed back on the destiel side of things, but I always thought that was a strange take. Largely because they’re so domestic and their dynamic, ie, the lack of tension, reads like an established relationship. It’s a different kind of beast than we have been used to so far, so it does look alien on screen, especially since we “skipped” the conventional getting together cue that would let us change gears. Let’s take a look at 13 and 14, then.

Season 13: Ah, yes, the season of shit gets domestic. The pining? Gone? What? Deancas now reading like an established couple? It’s more likely than you think.

13.1-13.5: Dean’s grief mini-arc. Dude’s acting like a widower. We all know this. I want to gesture towards the reunion moment though with “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying. 

13.6 Tombstone: hi this episode is pure love and Dean is so happy his sweetheart is back from the dead? He’s even ok being Jack’s third dad now? What a time to be alive. Also? apparently Dean and Cas were just having movie night together? Dates? Mutual Pining dates prior to shit going to hell in 12? Do you ever cry? What else are they getting up to offscreen? What else will they get up to off screen? MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. 

Season 14: MORE DOMESTICITY. With some pining because Michael. But...heart eyes when Dean comes back? Watch that scene again with Dean going off to shower. Suspicious. But then shit hits the fan and we’re all sad again. boo. 

14.15 Peace of Mind: Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t coupley asf. 

14.18-14.20: Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established issue between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here; he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? Divorce arc was entirely too literal. 

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will they or won’t they because they already have. The tension is instead will they or won’t they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. There’s a crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned TWELVE FRIGGIN’ EPISODES. Y’all. Y’all that’s half a season. And we’re not even entirely done with it yet because Dean was cut short in purgatory, and they haven’t dealt with Cas’s side of blame in this mess yet either -- that Cas keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. And, you know, that’s a whole lot more exciting than witnessing their for realsies first kiss. I’m also confident Dabb & co will deliver the conclusion to this emotional arc and it will be a whole mess of feelings on all our parts. 

For the moment, though, it’s looking a lot like Dean and Cas had a rocky start to their ~involvement, then DEATH, then they got together feat. sweet sweet domestic fluff, then DIVORCE. So, yeah. Season 12, guys; it’s where it’s at. 

As for the more performative aspect of Dean and Cas’s relationship…that’s a whole other thing and all I can say is they got the green light for something, but I don’t know what it is and it’s driving me bananas, but it’s definitely something and we can talk about that, too. Place your bets, etc.  I’m clowning on the “I love you” pay off because it’s a glaring missing piece in this whole story. See also: holding hands? Carving Cas’s initials on the table? Saileen endgame parallels? All supported by the narrative. Like a lot. So. *finger guns*

[tinyvampire]

I think there’s so much to be said about the aftermath of religious trauma & an emotionally abusive upbringing & being autistic & how all of that can affect the way you perceive yourself. If you’ve followed me on here for even a year, you’ve witnessed how hard it is for me to land on what tf I am. It’s exhausting, this process of figuring out what pronouns and clothes and etc I actually like being associated with, and which ones I feel like I’m supposed to like after a lifetime of criticism and shame.

Being afab and being autistic is something you can’t really explain with words - you kind of have to live it. It’s confusing. Gender is a social construct, and one of the main results of having autism is not understanding social constructs in general. Knowing that the majority of afab autistic people experience some kind of disconnect with their assigned gender at birth lifts a huge burden off of my shoulders, but not enough for me to pack it in and call it a day, slapping an ‘I AM A WOMAN!’ name tag on my shirt.

More than that, though, the religious trauma has really messed me up. I had it drilled into me all my life, every Sunday, every lesson, basically every conversation with my mom, that I’m a girl so my mission on earth is to stay ‘worthy’, get married to a ‘worthy’ man, and have his babies. The End. Nothing else. Find a man who will put up with me and my annoying anxiety and inappropriately ‘masculine’ hobbies, marry him, have kids, and raise those kids as a stay at home mom. God doesn’t have any other plan for us, she’d tell me. Aren’t we so lucky as women? Women shouldn’t be in leadership positions, we’re just not made for that. Women are AWFUL leaders, so catty and emotional. No, no, it’s better to stay home and raise kids, even if at your core you detest kids (it probably won’t detrimentally affect the rest of their real living, breathing human lives if you have em even though you hate em, right?).

Which leads to the final point of why I can’t seem to piece myself back together after my worldview was crushed after leaving mormonism - my mom. Constant criticism. Constant shame. I can’t think of one time she played games with me or held my hand or even just held me, not even as a small child. My dad was loving and fun and always there for me, as much as he could be with his job. Mom was just..not there. And when she was there, she was there to make me feel like absolute dogshit.

Why aren’t you wearing makeup? You need to wear makeup.

How do you expect to find a husband looking like that?

Why do you want to look like a boy?

*i’m thirteen. it’s time for family prayer before bed. i’m wearing shorts and a tank top. i’m thirteen.* That shirt is extremely inappropriate. *i’m thirteen* Your boobs are sticking out of it. *i’m fucking thirteen years old*

That haircut makes you look like a...like a lesbian. You do not want to look like a lesbian. Gay marriage is a sin against God, and I know you support it and you need to stop supporting it (even though you are an Entire Adult with your own mind and thoughts and opinions).

Do you want to look ugly? Is that your goal? Why are you hiding, you used to be so beautiful. I just don’t understand you.

A nasa shirt?? C’mon, really?

*she grabs my wrist at the airport where we’re picking up my older brother. i’m eight years old. a goth woman has just passed us.* If you ever make yourself look like that, I will rip your skin off.

A chill still runs up my back when I remember that one.

And the list goes on and on and on and on. I could honestly write a novel about all the awful things she’s fed to me over the years about what’s wrong with me and how I’m so terrible and ugly and unworthy. It’s no wonder, with all these things, why it’s hard for me to just be a woman. The dysphoria comes and goes so often for me because I don’t think it’s dysphoria after all - I think it’s internalized misogyny, echoing in my mind from a lifetime of being told I’m less than for being a girl - especially being a girl like me.

And before any terfs or the like take this post and try to twist it, trans people always have been and always will be 100% valid. My intention with this post is to tell my own story, my own experiences with trauma and neurodivergence - not to say being trans is fake or the result of abuse. It’s absolutely not. What I’m trying to say is in my case, I don’t think it’s wise to go from all this trauma and hurt and baggage and make a decision off of it. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to wear bras and buy tampons. I was so excited to get my period, I used to check my hair every morning to see if it was getting greasy, because all the puberty books said that was the first sign you were finally growing up. And to this day I get excited picking out tampons in the store. I was confident in my identity as a woman for a long time - confident even in my neurodivergent confusion. There’s just some sort of break with it now that I want to mend. I miss that confidence. I miss me.

I’m trying now to undo this in my mind, to piece myself back together as best I can. It won’t happen overnight, but it’s happening already. Every thought, every word I tell myself matters. I’m not a mistake, I’m not ugly, my looks don’t even equate to my worth - they never have, they never will. I’m a person, and I matter, and it’s not up to men or god or my mom or anybody to decide that. I just..do. I just matter. And I hope one day I will really believe that, no matter what I end up becoming.

[lizzieparker]

you can count on me; like one, two, three.

tagging: @mattschue @lizzieporter

location: A bar. 

time frame: May 1st. Late afternoon. 

about: Matt and Lizzie talk about some things, million years ago. 

warnings: Some explicit talk, nothing major. 

Matt didn’t know how to go about with what Lizzie asked him earlier on the day because it was a part of his life that he hadn’t forgotten about but it also felt like it belonged to another man. They finished their shift and went down the block that they sometimes hung out at after work. He ordered a pint and picked up whatever she wanted and they found a table off in a corner. “Soooo.” He started and chuckled. “Why are you asking about my ho days, Lizs?”

Lizzie didn't even try to fight going out with Matt after her shift, mostly because she still got happy that any of her friends wanted to spend time with her, even when Matt and her had become family years ago. Stil, she appreciated that he still wanted her around after all this time. Once they arrived to the place they always hang out, she ordered a beer for her own and some french fries so they could share. "You are making such a big deal ouf of this, I swear" She rolled eyes for good measure, as she put her hair in a high ponytail. "I just asked cause it interests me how you, you know, stopped with the hoe life"

“Hey now. It’s not everyday I get you asking this kind of question. And it reminds me of when I asked myself something along the lines because I had reached a place where I knew I needed to change.” He plucked a hot fry from basket and bit into it. “It wasn’t something that stopped like that.” He tried to snap the fingers on his left hand but it wasn’t the same and failed. “I slipped here and there. But I tried to actually date. That was the difference from before when I was getting drunk and fucking around.” He popped the rest of the fry into his mouth and brought his beer over. “I wasn’t happy, Lizs. There were many years I was so damn miserable that drinking and a warm body made me feel better. For a while. Then it was back to this existence. One I had very little purpose in. If it wasn’t for the work we do and the chief giving me a second chance...I don’t know where I’d be.” He sighed. “That question. It’s not one I can just say I fell in love and that was it. Because it’s not. It was a lot of mental shit, too.”

It didn't take more than a couple of minutes to know this was not going to be an easy conversation and, as always that Matt spoke about his Matt 1.0, she gave him a sympathetic smile and nodded along with his words. She felt incredibly lucky that he shared all of this with her, every time. "I think we are all very lucky to have this job, and each other. And I'm very proud of you, of everything you are now. I think it takes a lot of balls" Lizzie reached for a fry, trying her best to buss herself so she did not start getting emotional already. "I don't... I don't know if it feels like that for me" She shrugged lightly, biting her fry. "I just like sex, you know? It's nice and I have fun. And right now Max and I both are in a position where we both trying to ease into something more and it's fine. More than fine, actually" A little smile played on her lips, private and more for herself than anything. "But we are working towards something more and I want to be ready. I don't want to screw it up"

“What’s not to like about sex? It’s fun and you can do all sorts of things. Get kinky or do it quick in the bathroom. It’s a high. A thrill. And it releases all these endorphins. So you feel fucking incredible when you have a good fuck. Hell, even having a fuck buddy has its perks but it’s not the same. Because you know it’s not going to move into a place where you can have a future with that person.” Matt listened to her and smiled because he saw himself as a brother to Lizs and to hear she wanted to try with someone is a big step. “Can I ask why you feel you can with Max but didn’t with Mason?”

At the beginning of Matt's comment, Lizzie made a face, more out of habit than anything else but it didn't mean it didn't got her thinking. It was so easy to imagine a future with Max and they had even talk about it. It was nice to start thinking about them as a unit, because Lizzie didn't had that in a long time, not since Kelsey. She was in the middle of taking a sip of her beer when his questions almost made the glass fall of her hand, making her do some weird moves to catch. "Jesus, Matt! Warn a girl before you bring up the emotional baggage, god!" She took a long sip, letting it on the table. "I... God, I... I don't know? There is a lot of things, I guess. There is no guilt with Max, no pressure to change my life in a second" It was impossible to not feel her heart clench in her chest uncomfortably, a needed reminder that things were not completely over. "I wanted Mason so much that I never realized I had everything I ever wanted, all the easy and the fun and the been supported exactly how you are thing right in front of me" She shook her head, biting the inside of her lip. "It's two very different feelings"

“I’m sorry! But I know you and Mason had this thing and then didn’t have a thing and then had a thing again. So I figured it was worth asking. Don’t get me wrong. I like how happy you looked talking about Max and if this is something you feel you can have something good with. Then explore it with him. Because you know when you’ve found your person. There are good people who come and go in your life but when you meet the one who just gets you. Who gets you when you’re happy and things are going good and who gets you when you feel like shit, and they don’t want to run away. That’s something fucking special.”

"It's off again. Sort of" And now she kinda wanted to cry again. This was just how Artie said, Matt had a way to get everything out of you without trying. "He knows about Mason, you know? About the whole thing. He knows everything that has happened and how much it still hurts everyday. And he just... Holds me until it goes away. I'm sure that if he had the opportunity Mason would have done the same, or maybe not, but right now, whenever I feel sad or upset, the only person I want to hold me is Max."

Matt took a sip from his beer and noticed the way she spoke and how she spoke that the whole Mason thing was a trigger for her. He set his glass down and went around the table and sat next to her. Matt shoulder bumped her and hoped it would help bring her back around from that place he took her to. “Hey.” He said as he peered over at her. “It looks like you found that person you can talk to about what’s going on. That’s major, Lizs.”

Lizzie's eyes widened a bit but didn't offer any resistance to Matt sitting beside her. In fact, she rested her body against his side, enjoying the feeling of him supporting her in more ways than one. "I know. It feels major" She closed her eyes for a second, trying to organize her thoughts. "He also high fives me when I get to sit on a big dick, so there is that" She chuckled weakly, burrowing herself a little more against Matt. "That's why it feels important to not screw it up. Again"

Matt could try to keep this conversation serious and he did wrap his arm around her in a half hug before moving his hand over to playfully mess with her hair. “You do the high five while one the saddle or afterwards?” He laughed at this. “So why come and ask me about how I knew to move past my ho days? You think you’re ready to close the gates to people other than Mighty Max?”

Lizzie giggled as her moved her hair, moving his hand down with a grunt. "Afterwards. There is something really hot about a man who can appreciate a good big dick" She felt herself relax, going back to drinking her beer. "Not right now, he got stuff to get over it as well as I do. And right now it's fun, you know? We are both on the same page and we talk a lot about things, like adults, what is really weird but anyway. I know I'm gonna want that at some point soon and you said it was a process so, I thought I should start doing research"

"Are you saying that about me or about Max appreciating his own cock? Because it sounds like you want me to go over and ask him to show it off to me so I can high five him myself." Matt laughed at this. "It's not research, Lizs. You just...fall into it. B and I knew each other awhile before I asked him out. Not personally but we'd talk and joke. He became the first and last person I want to talk it and I share everything with him. And I mean everything. Bets and I didn't have that and most of the time she tuned me out. B listens. Even to my stupid and crazy. Which, by the way, you're sleeping in a cot at the foot of our bed after the three of us get hitched. Blaine's convinced you need an actual bed so I figure that's a good compromise." He joked. "When do I get to officially meet this guy?" Matt reached over for his beer and brought it over.

"I was saying it like Max appreciates dicks in general but honestly, do you think I would even think in going exclusive with nothing but an outstanding dick? Don't you know me better than that? Please Matt, let's be serious here" Blaine and Matt's love story always made her swoon, no matter how many times she heard, because they both talked about it with some love it filled the entire room. It was amazing. "Wait, why?! I let you use my bodywash!" She playfully punched his arm, but not enough to make him drop his drink. "You want to?" Her cheeks went slightly red, something she tried to hide with her glass, but she couldn't help but grin. "You will see him sometime soon around the station. He and Drew want to come play with the new puppy"

Matt had to give it to Lizzie because she was honest about what it is she wants and makes it clear; clear enough for the table next to them to hear. All he could do was laugh at this, shaking his head at her. “Because the main bed belongs to B and me. Or you can sleep in the guest room with Buster. But then you miss out on the sexy show B and I put on almost every night.” There was no way anyone was actually seeing that but he liked to tease. “Well yeah. This guy with the big dick that has you thinking about being exclusive. I want to meet him. Maybe talk to him. And is Drew his kid?”

[gldnrecs]

i need to have a bit of moment right quick so stay if you want to cry a little.

bts is my ultimate group. i have a plethora of favs (all the nct groups, got7, seventeen, monsta x, ikon, txt, ateez, pentagon, vav, super m, exo; the list goes on) but bts is the group that really made a big impact on me. like everyone (i presume), i went through a period of not being comfortable with my body and who i am. i also spent much of my childhood to teenage years helping everyone figure out their life issues without being able to understand my own and not wanting to really talk about how i was feeling bc i didn’t want to worry others with my own emotional baggage. but when i got into bts thanks to one of my best friends (who is more like a sister), that all changed. i become more vibrant, more outgoing, more willing to live life postively and do what makes me happy. and i know this coming out of random but let me give context:

i was sitting in my room watching a video of namjoon. namjoon is my bias for reasons that i will get into later. but sometimes when i’m sitting in my room watching bts videos (which is all the time), i always think about what i would tell each of them if ever given the chance to sit down and talk with them for longer than a few seconds. and of course i get emotional imagining telling yoongi that he has brought me more joy than i could have ever imagined one human being giving to another with his wit and unique way of loving his brothers. that despite the adversities he faced at a young age, he kept going showing me that life is worth living when you have something to fight for (like we all do). or when i imagine telling jimin how me and him (somewhat) walked the same path in learning to love ourselves for who we are and that he doesn’t know it but he held my hand and held me up through some of my toughest internal battles. or telling hoseok his infectious postive energy has inspired me to be the sun for the people in my life who i love more than life itself. and that i don’t have to take on their burdens and try and fix them but i simply just need to remind them that i am there for them. always. and don’t get me started on telling tae how his just soft nature and ability to find good in the world has kept me focused on being positive and seeing the natural beauty that lies within the world around us because that is what matters. the beauty we find in the world reflects the beauty in which we find within ourselves. oh and jin, my man. i would just have to thank him for being more than what was expected of him. stepping in and being the leader behind the leader of bts. making sure they were all taken care of being the eldest but letting them know that it’s okay to be who they are. he stepped up and was a silent, but influential, force for his 6 little brothers. and jungkook. god, jungkook. if he didn’t teach me that fear is a thing of the mind and fails are a fraction of the past; what matters is now. right now. live for now. do what makes you happy now and don’t take “no, you can’t” as an answer from anyone, not even yourself, then i don’t know who can.

but here is where i always lose it emotionally. i can hold it together through all 6 of them; 6 people and i shed only a few tears. but it’s something about namjoon. that mr. kim namjoon, that’s just makes me erupt into an emotional mess. i was very reluctant to make namjoon my bias at first because i felt like i only liked him because he spoke english. but as time went on, something kept pulling me back to him. so i said “fuck it, he’s my bias”. and i remember my friend’s little sister saying “it’s not you who picks your bias, it’s your bias who picks you.” and if that ain’t a word then chile kick me. so some years have gone by now and just the mere mention of this man makes my heart shiver. what makes namjoon more than just a bias to me (i have yet to come up with a word to describe what he is) is that i see so much of who i am and who i strive to be in him. first, his brain and way of thinking intrigues me. how he thinks about the most minor to extremely major of things in the world makes me want to be as opened minded and as knowledgeable about life as he is. second, how he sacrificed much of his teenage and young adult life to become a role model to people who were only a few years older/younger than him. yeah, one can named a “leader” and just have that title but it’s something completely different when that title is personified. to be a leader is different to being called a leader. it’s also the selflessness and selfishness that he exhibits that i admire. his selflessness shows in how everything he does is in the best interest of all 7 of them and not just him. sometimes i feel like he does things that won’t even benefit him but only continue to showcase the abilities of his brothers. him being devoted to being a brother first, leader second makes it to where i believe (w/o a shadow of a doubt) that those boys never have to doubt namjoon’s love for them. he doesn’t have to verbally say it because it’s implied in his entire way of being. but he also shows selfishness but in the right way. he shows it’s okay to do what you love and not care what other people think of you. he shows that what makes you YOU is not caring about what other people want you to be in order to make them happy. be selfish when it comes to your happiness and your sanity because they matter the most when it comes to how you live life and how you love the life you live. he also constantly reminds us that the mistakes you’ve made in the past, big or small, do not define who you are or what you deserve out of life. as long as you live, learn, and let it be know that your mistake won’t happen again, you are free to live life how you so please and to let go of the frustration and fear you have. oh, but don’t forget how he shows that it’s okay to be angry at the world for a little while and it’s okay if you don’t regret being angry. we all have to go through things but how we come out on the other side of it all is what matters most. and that we all have the chance to make the most out of the life we have been given. (my tears lie here on my phone screen currently) he always says thing like “i hope my voice reaches you and brings you peace” and whole bunch of things along those lines but i just wish that i could tell him somehow that everything that he does reaches me. his music, his talks, his selflessness, his thoughts, everything he does reaches me and transcends beyond the surface and moves me in way i can’t never imagine. namjoon (hell, all of bts) have given me so much of myself , a more happier and vibrant and devoted version of me, that i know i would not have (or atleast it would have taken me much MUCH longer to obtain if not for them) if i wouldn’t have started my journey with them. it was hard finding these things within myself and sometimes i get frustrated like “why couldn’t you find this stuff on your own? what did bts say that made this new side of you pop out?” and i have to tell myself that it’s was meant for me to find them so i could in turn find myself.

[sunlightdances]

Blooming in the Shadows (6/6)

Pairing: Dean x Female Reader Rating: Overall PG-13 because of canon-typical violence. Also swearing. Words: 2,286 (this part) Warnings: Angst! Dean and the Reader swearing like sailors! Mutual pining with a dash of bed sharing and a slow burn romance added in for extra fluffy goodness. Summary: You and Dean Winchester are barely friends. His sudden reappearance from Hell brings you together, and you find yourself right back in the life you ran away from when you were a teenager. (Canon AU that takes place during season 4, specifically starting at 4.01 - for reference, Dean is 29)  Author’s Note: This is the last chapter! Thanks so much for all your support. This one is really special to me and I’ve had so much fun writing it and taking a dive into a canon AU. 

This chapter: You and Dean have a talk following an emotional week full of Angels, summoning spells, and long overdue confessions.

Links aren’t working - find the full master list for this plus the link to this story on AO3 on my blog!

Two days later

You’re running your hands over the spines of the books on Bobby’s bookshelves, trying to do some research to get your mind to focus on something when you hear Dean’s footsteps behind you.

He falters, so you imagine he’s leaning against the doorjamb, or hovering in the doorway trying to decide if he should come in or not.

“Need something?” You ask without turning around.

He sighs. “You should rest a bit. Eat something.”

“Thought we didn’t have time.”

A creak as he sits down on the leather chair in the corner. “Got nothing but time, now, I think.”

You snort. “You think.” You turn to look at him, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and the stubble growing on his jaw. “When’s the last time you slept?”

He looks down, avoiding your gaze. “Can’t sleep.” He mumbles.

The last day and a half has been nothing but awkward silence and lingering gazes when the other wasn’t looking. You can’t stop thinking about Dean’s confession, the genuine longing in his eyes and the near-desperation in his voice when he apologized for pushing you away all those years ago, and even as recently as the last week.

You have no idea what to do next.

Your heart feels bruised, the whiplash of yours and Dean’s emotions over the last few days doing nothing to assure you that what you’re feeling now isn’t just the result of an emotional conversation between one of your oldest friends.

You don’t want to make any irrational decisions. But at the same time, you know that the feelings you had for Dean when you were younger have never really gone away. You had chalked it all up to teenage angst at the time, but since seeing him again, even on the days when the two of you could barely stand to be in the same room together, it was still there, buried under the surface.

“Can we talk?” You ask, surprising yourself.

He tenses, but nods, swallowing hard. “I don’t-- you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

You look at the floor. “Dean.” It sounds exasperated. “We can’t just-- keep this under lock and key. That’s the whole problem.”

He rubs at his jaw. “I don’t expect anything from you. I told you that.”

You nod. There’s a long silence where you both avoid the other’s eyes before you speak again. “We’re both idiots, aren’t we.” You laugh, even though you don’t really find it that funny. “This whole time, we could have been--”

His head snaps up, bright eyes finding yours. There’s something sharp in his eyes that you can’t place. “We could have been… what?” He stands up, taking a half step towards you before he stops himself. “You said-- when you were sixteen--”

“Dean, don’t be an idiot.” You snap, embarrassed and frustrated. “I said I fell in love when I was sixteen. I never stopped having feelings for you, I just never said anything because I thought--”

A whoosh of air as he takes three giant strides towards you, and then he’s there, in your space, one hand sliding into your hair and the other on the small of your back as he pulls you towards him, a noise of surprise escaping you before he captures your lips in a searing kiss, nearly bending you backwards with the force of it.

It only lasts a few seconds, but even after the kiss ends, he doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything but press his forehead against yours, his eyes squeezed shut.

“I’m sorry--” He breathes, “I should have asked you before I kissed you. I didn’t--”

“Stop apologizing.”

Your hands move from where they’d been gripping his broad shoulders, sliding down his arms. You stop one hand as it lands over the mark on his arm, and he shivers, meeting your eyes briefly.

“You died,” you whisper, “and Sam called me on the phone to tell me. I thought you died without ever--” You have to stop for a second, the memories of that day swirling in your mind.

Dean takes a step back, his eyes downcast. “I don’t want to-- we’re going too fast.”

Your heart sinks, but the little voice in your head tells you he’s right.

“We’re both-- this has been a long week, and I can’t--” He stops, sighing. He seems frustrated, like he doesn’t know what to say. “I can’t do this the wrong way. I already wasted enough time. Almost died without you ever knowing…” He trails off. You already know what he was going to say.

You nod. “Okay. So what do we do now?”

.

.

.

It turns out what you do now is go back to the way things used to be, at least until you can get your head on straight.

You think Dean doesn’t want you to go, but he doesn’t say anything. He and Sam walk you to your car and he grumbles something about the transmission, popping the hood and taking a look before you can tell him not to.

“Something’s different,” Sam comments, and there’s a glint in his eye. You still think he’s the smartest of all of you.

“We’re-- we’re okay, Sam. We’re figuring it out.”

“Good.” He hugs you, telling you to be safe and not to go too long without calling.

Bobby comes out and follows Sam’s hug with a quick one of his own, gruffly telling you not to be an idiot and not to be gone longer than a few weeks.

You already know you’re going to come back. All roads were always leading you here, right back to this found family that you didn’t know you missed so much until you were without them.

After everyone makes themselves scarce, Dean shuts the hood and comes around to the side of the car. You’re beginning to suspect he was just waiting to get you alone, and the thought makes you smile, even as you roll your eyes. He looks so smug.

“You think you’re real smart, huh? Transmission my ass.”

He chuckles. “I didn’t need an audience.”

You can’t help but smirk. “Why? Planning on doing something untoward?”

His eyes darken. “Don’t tempt me.” He takes a half step closer and his fist clenches at his side like he’s trying not to reach for you. “You sure you have to go?”

You look down. “Yeah. I-- I need to get my head right. The last few days have been… a lot.”

When you look back up, he’s smiling softly. “Yeah. Angels, and everything.”

“That too.”

He comes a little closer. “I know this is a good idea, but I’m having a real hard time figuring out why I’m letting you drive away from me again.”

“You’re not letting me do anything,” you chide gently. “I just need some time. A few weeks.”

He nods, sighs. “Be careful. Just-- call if you need anything.”

He reaches for your hand, lacing your fingers together and squeezing gently. You feel that bolt of electricity race up your arm that happens whenever Dean touches you, and again you kick yourself for not telling him sooner, for not-- just facing whatever the hell this is. This whole time, you could have been here, with him, with Sam… the world would have been easier to deal with.

But you have loose ends to tie up before you even think about coming back here, back to jumping into whatever crazy the Winchesters have found themselves in this time.

You try not to watch him in the rearview mirror as you go.

.

.

.

Six weeks later

Dean’s pacing again.

He knows Sam and Bobby are watching him, but he can’t help it.

A 3am text telling him you were coming back was all the warning he had, and he had no idea what to expect. It’s been a month and a half of a few texts, one phone call, just checking it. He didn’t want to be overbearing, and he suspects you didn’t want to seem clingy, but there’s something there under the surface.

Feelings known, not having to hide affection anymore… it’s a heady feeling and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t dying to see you today. He just wishes he could quit being so damn obvious about it.

“She’s here,” Sam calls from the front porch, and Dean feels like a fucking teenager with sweaty palms.

He heads outside with Sam and Bobby, and he feels the breath being punched right out of him when you get out of your car, hair long and flowing in the breeze, glinting in the sunlight.

He hangs back, lets everyone say their hellos, still feeling awkward and like he doesn’t quite know what to do with his hands. When you turn your eyes on him, everything else goes blurry.

He’s had time to think since you’ve been away, and begrudgingly agrees it was a good idea to have a bit of separation. Too many heightened emotions could’ve led to some rash decisions and he’s happier now that he’s had time to think about what he wants. It’s you, it always has been, and he was stupid to ever think that he could outrun this, when in reality it’s all he’s ever really wanted.

Even if you lose me, I will find you There's no way to stop it, so don't try to

A twang of a soft country song he heard on the radio one night filters through his mind, and he knows now why it always reminded him of you.

He’s been afraid to let anyone get close for his entire life. Wondering when and waiting for the inevitable - for someone to get hurt, or someone to get killed, or someone to realize that this baggage wasn’t worth it.

So he pushed and he pushed and he shoved you away with all his might before you could suffer the same fate as everyone else he’s ever loved. He never really took the time to think about what that truly meant, and he knows he’ll regret it forever. He’s always felt connected to you and he should have just told you that from the start.

He wants to stop regretting things, he wants to start moving forward. He’s been given another chance at life -- yes, by an Angel, which-- who knows what the hell that’s going to mean going forward -- and he doesn’t want to waste another second taking you for granted.

He feels better after a few midnight phone calls with you, too, telling him you were all in, you were ready now and ready to do this with him. It was all he could do not to swallow past the lump in his throat as he realized you felt something for him as deeply as he does for you.

“Just gonna stare at me?” You ask, coming to the bottom of the porch steps. Your eyes seem brighter, your stance taller, everything about you more confident, more happy. He remembers this, remembers the itch under his skin to touch you, to pull a laugh out of you, to always have you closer, closer.

Oh, I used to be scared of the wilderness, of the dark But not anymore, anymore, no

Fuck it, he thinks, coming down the steps quickly and cupping your face in his hands, frowning when he notices a scratch on your temple leading up to your hairline.

“Occupational hazard.” You say lightly, a little breathless. “I’m okay.”

“You’re-- you’re staying?”

“If you want me to be here, I’ll be here.”

Running like a river, trying to find the ocean Flowers in the concrete

He feels his affection and love for you thrumming through his veins and he doesn’t want to waste another second, so he doesn’t. He closes the small gap between you and presses his lips to yours, a closed-mouth gentle kiss that still makes his pulse skyrocket, especially when your hands come up to grip his wrists, his hands still framing your face.

He can feel the heat come to your cheeks as he kisses you, and it calms him a little, to know that you’re just as affected by this as he is.

The kiss ends but he stays close, taking comfort in your soft breaths puffing against his cheeks. “I’m glad you’re back. I want you to stay. I’ve got a lot to make up for. A lot of lost time.” He murmurs.

“We’ve got time,” you say, and he wants to laugh, because even though now apparently Angels are real, and there’s a war coming, and who knows what the fuck is going to be chasing him down next, you sound so sure.

You step away and practically demand he helps you with your bags, and he grins, slipping back into the banter he remembers from summer nights when he was a teenager.

He wants to know how this works now, wants to learn every new thing about you he doesn’t know yet, wants to know what makes you tick and re-discover everything that hasn’t changed. Because even though there are years of lost time between you, he thinks that it was always going to end up like this.

He was always going to end up loving you and sending a hope and a prayer that you would forgive him and maybe feel something for him, too.

It’s not to say that he’s not scared shitless or that he’s going to be perfect at this. You’re both hot tempered, opinionated, and headstrong. There’s going to be fights like there were before. But he’s not afraid of what he feels, not anymore.

As you head up the porch stairs, you send a little shy smile back over your shoulder at him, and he winks, praying like hell that you both can make this work, because he’s never wanted anyone like he wants you.

It was always you.

Climbing over fences, blooming in the shadows Places that you can't see Coming through the melody when the night bird sings Love is a wild thing

THE END.

[bleepbloo]

Reaction to The Lovers of the Fallen Tower (Part 1)

I am beyond late, I know, but better late than never right?

I am a little spoiled on the episode on some of the general things that happen, but not the how. So be prepared for ramblings and mind going off in different directions, and also we got so MUCH WORLD-BUILDING!!

Keeping that in mind, I hope y’all enjoy this!

So, off the bat, Olala is very cute. Not much else seems to be needed to say in that regard. She also handles people who died very well, but that’s only because she hasn’t experienced it happening in any relation to her. 

I don’t doubt that’s going to change when she realizes- or if someone makes her realize *looks at Sir Caroline, who is the exact kind of person to tell a child her family is dead* - that her family, her Sisters, died by the Kite’s hand. 

On the subject of Death, if the Queen didn’t call all the journeyman knights because Miller as a town was slaughtered, I will genuinely be surprised. Arum seems to be surprised twice by Olala; once when she mentions that she’s from the Garden of Death- which he recognizes - and when she mentions she’s ‘half-monster’. 

Arum seems to handle kids well, which- doesn’t bug me, necessarily, but it does raise the question of how. He’s been pretty hard-core ID’d as a hermit, both by analysis and the narrative itself, so while I doubt that he’s been around many children, it does lead me to think the Keep wasn’t the only one to raise him? I mean, the way he handled Olala is very different than how the Keep obviously raise Arum; he set boundaries, rules where the Keep indulges, he (tried) not to dump his baggage on her where the Keep sings and talks about everything, he sent her away to the Keep when he needed to have a grown-up conversation with Rilla- that speaks of someone who was taught by someone else. Or he could be just good with children, I’m not holding my breath here

Also, wow, Rilla did not handle anything well, but I mean. Who can blame her? A three person relationship is way different from a two-person one, and while they’re all talking to each other, they’re not communicating. Damien’s more or less committed treason - burning letters from ‘his true home’.

Does that include any letters Angelo might be sending??

How long has Damien been burning letters??

Do his parents even know he’s alive???????

I’m very concerned by this, if only because like- speaking from some personal experience- it can be very jarring to realize that you don’t have the same support network you thought you did, or that because of who you are now cannot coincide. Of course, Arum doesn’t understand it because 1) Hermit, 2) he’s always been accepted by his home, if nothing else. 

They’re all having a bad time of it. 

Still, shoutout to Damien for being a good person and deciding that he needed to be here to defend the child, and did it despite the communication issues with Arum and his own internal issues.

Also, Arum gets annoyed by the Citadel’s renaming of everything, but I have to wonder if the Southern Frosts has it’s own renaming of things?

Because, for those that don’t remember, what Rilla and Tal saw as a sea-shell, Caroline explicitly saw it as a court-house. Which says some interesting things about the Southern Frosts and how they correlate to the monster view of things, and how the Citadel quite clearly deviates from this by renaming things. 

I’m going to chew on that thought in a different post, but for now it’s worth noting. 

In that moment, where he asks to watch it again, he’s exactly the kind of person who would depress watch a show that makes him happy. And it’s done very well how Damien and Arum aren’t really talking to each other. At all. When Damien mentions he’s never heard that moniker before, he says it gently to Olala, not to Arum at all, and when Arum responds, it’s to tell Rilla to tell him.

Which, man. I’d lose my goddamn mind if I had to deal with that on a near-daily basis. (Also, it’s clear that despite Damien’s status as knight, he stays within the Northern border, and that there’s REALLY not a lot of visitors from the West, which kind of shows that despite the quite large amount of land there is in the world, people - of the West, South, North, and ESPECIALLY the East (if there’s anyone who lives out there)- don’t travel much, which contributes to the xenophobia of the North & South at the very least!)

I’m going to chew on this more - between college and life - but it’s clear that the West is something of a united front, at least where Olala was from. They allow monsters to visit and live with them, use magic and science hand-in-hand, are both in a place of death and yet holds so much life (fungi)- it’s literally the middle ground between the North and the South. Also, really glad that the Arum finally mentioned the entire North being called ‘the Second Citadel’ so I can stop referencing that one time early access content was allowed for all patrons. 

It’s also interesting that a place has emotions, but then, magic. Which we still don’t know how it works really. 

Also, I should mention that when I heard the name ‘emotional resonator’, I thought that it was going to- locate an emotion and fixate on it, drawing it out like a fish on a fishing pole. 

This was not that.

“Increase the anxiety-”, y’know what, I had to pause here, and say that you shouldn’t try and increase the anxiety of a place, ESPECIALLY NOT IN A PLACE THAT’S STILL VERY AND CLEARLY TRAUMATIZED!!!!!

This just proves that while Rilla and Arum have high INT, they both - together- have a very low WIS. And Rilla proves that she’s Marc’s sister by impulsively going when the experiment has been run. 

Parapet of the wilds. Hm. For those that don’t know, a parapet the part of a wall or a tower that stops you from falling off the top of a building. Then a two of the wilds, nine of some sort of mirror or snail (the East? Sage Helicoid??). Also, I want to take this moment to apologize for the length of this- school has kept me busy so to talk like this is very nice, except I’m still in the middle of it and I’m sure there’s going to be more to come. 

Poor Olala, caught in the middle. This is DEFINITELY NOT what Marc had in mind when he left Olala in the care of Arum. 

And, ah, the building does have a type. Conflicting lovers. 

Hm, so towers can be used to get magical currents. 

There’s also a story, called Babbalon, where, together, all of humanity was working together to ascend to heaven. And it was working, which made God, worried, so God broke the tower, and cursed people to have completely separate languages from each other so that they could never again get so close to Heaven. Considering present circumstances, with humanity and monsters, the same metaphor works here. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was one on the side of the world to the West, East, and South. 

Also, I have to wonder when Pix and David are- they clearly lived at the Terminus for a few years before everything went boom, and they were building the Bridge- aka the Fallen Tower - prior to getting attacked. I’ve wondered if it’s before or after the First Citadel fell. I mean, it’s probably before, but how much before?

Also, jesus Rilla, this- I know you want Damien and Arum to get along, but using it TWICE like this WHEN ARUM EXPLICITLY STATES IT’S *DANGEROUS* IS A BAD IDEA! Of course, she does it anyway. 

AND NOW WE GET CONFIRMATION THAT THERE ARE LIGHTS OFF THE EDGE OF THE WORLD, and also a name Zin? That’s going to come up again, mark my words. Every significant person in the world/story - Queen Mira, Sir Damien, Sir Absolom, David, Pix, Senator Calin(?mentioned by the nameless monsters at the end of the World)- everyone who has some sort of name, and I do mean name, is going to come up again. It happened with Queen Mira, Sir Damien, Pix, David, it’s going to be brought up with Sir Absolom soon, mark my words.

Anyway, point is, Pix saw lights!

Even if it’s like- Plateau's, where each land mass is separated by degrees of going down, or like, the Citadel Plateau’s is separated from the land mass below it, there’s still SOMETHING out there! I’m very excited for it. 

And, oh, it was just minutes after this that Pix and David died, wasn’t it? Oh. 

And oh, GOd. She’s looking for answers in the wrong place. She’s looking in a two-person relationship- her situation and theirs are- so far from different that it’s like looking through 3-d colored glass with just one eye. 

Their species are at war, and that- like it or not- still affects their relationship. 

I mean, I get it, but also, there are other things that could’ve been attempted first. 

Oh god, poor Olala. She’s stressed out, by the anxiety and by the machine and by everything that her body is literally changing out of stress! Honestly, mood, but also, huh. It means that who- or what, depending- these memories belong to, is also resonating with Olala. 

And the Bridge, destroyed. This IS STILL NOT BIDING WELL FOR WHEN WE ACTUALLY GET TO THE TOWER CARD. I am going to keep harping on this until I’m metaphorically black and blue. 

I don’t know if it’s the memory of the person or the machine glitching/repeating out on itself, or some combination thereof(you know, like a panic attack), but this certainly explains the description of the next episode.

Also, I love how Arum is so unimpressed with Damien’s ‘one miracle’, because functionally Arum(in D&D terms) like a Warlock to his Keep’s patronage, can create some thousand miracles and things that have never existed before, even though it’s still super impressive that Damien was even able to do the ONE miracle. 

Damien, when he isn’t being a xenophobic dingus, is actually quite smart. 

And that’s the end of the episode, part 1.

Also, the names at the end of the Episode fucking kill me, fucking superb you funky donators.

I’ll soon be back, with Part 2 reaction. And then we get to munch onto some good, good theories. 

[proofthatihaveaheart]

Captain Marvel fic recs

i wrote this ages ago, during the summer, and then forgot to post it - but better late than never! it’s got a mix of gen, carol/jess, and carol/maria fics on it, including both comics and mcu fic. enjoy! 

Gen

Galactic Response Time by SassySnowperson (Carol & Fury, 5k): All the OTHER times Nick Fury texted Carol Danvers. // May 4th, 2012    Get your ASS over here there is an INVASION. Aliens are coming out of the SKY HELP US // May 10th, 2012 "Invasion, Fury, the word you used was invasion! I made it across three quarters of the galaxy in six days! Where are the aliens?" [I love this fic and the way it so perfectly captured Carol and Fury’s dynamic. THE DIALOGUE! IT’S JUST SO GOOD! Their banter is fun and there are some genuinely sweet moments.]

whatever it takes (and i couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted) by pratz (5k):  In which Tony called Carol glowing space Jesus, and Carol did her best to understand the weight of 3.2 million lives lost. [An AU of Endgame focusing on Carol and her journey in processing what happened and what she can do about it. I love the characterization and her interactions with the other characters, particularly Tony.] 

Carol/Maria

All Around [Reminders of You] by sinandmisery (1k):  The first year is the worst. [Maria and Monica’s grief over Carol’s ‘death’, framed around Christmas. Some good and painful angst.] 

another place, another time by sorrybaby (1k):  In every lifetime but this one, Carol gets to love Maria. [Oof, this one hurts and it’s absolutely brilliant. It’s Carol/Maria and endgame Carol/Val and sometimes you can love someone but not be with them. Because sometimes life is like that and you miss one another. Lots of good pining and learning to let go. Bonus Nat + Carol friendship.]

a simpler place in time by Elisattack (3k): It starts like this: Carol blows up. // Actually, it starts like this: Carol falls down, then she gets right back up again. Her dad shakes his head at her bruised knees and cut face, and calls her unladylike. She says fuck him, and fuck any man that tells her what to do. [Tracks through Carol and Maria’s relationship from the early days to getting together to the events of CM + Endgame and afterwards. Lovely writing and character work. One of my favorite works of this kind]

brave face talk so lightly by lesbiyawn (1k): Carol is stubborn. Carol is hot-headed. Carol can’t help it if some people deserve a just beating. Maria knows this. It’s why she loves Carol calls Carol her best friend. [Pre-canon and pre-relationship fluff that is both sweet and very them]

do you have to let it linger by whyyesitscar (2k):  in the wake of carol's crash, maria has to explain everything to a lot of different officials. only one of them seems to get it. (Maria talks to Peggy. Beautiful fic about grief and the people who can understand it.)

jambalaya (please be my baby) by carol_danvers (6k): Loving Maria comes easier than anything else ever did. Carol won't say she wants to be more than friends, not when she has so much to lose, but she'll tell her in everything but name.AKA Carol tests out pet names, Maria gets pregnant, and they fall a bit more in love. [One of my favorite get-together fics, the writing is so good and I love the development of their relationship, the PINING and the obliviousness, it’s gold.]

kisses under my palm by neon_air (1k):  Carol Danvers has been kissed before but never by the one person she wanted it from most. [All the different kisses Carol has had, and love. A lovely one-shot.] 

Lightning Crash by Monochrome_girl (2k):  Carol is here to stay. Maria is still getting used to having her back. [Carol stays and they reconnect. It’s a lovely progression of the two relearning each other and building a life together that also involves collecting alien scraps and it’s sweet.] 

Love’s Labors Lost by lesbians_and_puns (3k):  After Carol finds a home planet for the Skrull, she returns to Louisiana to try to get her old life back, but when she finds an old photograph of herself and Maria on Maria's bedside table, they both realize how much they're still missing. [An angsty take on Carol’s return and the things people can say because life is stressful and complicated and sometimes you hurt the people you love without meaning to. It’s really good, it also hurts.] 

we were too close to the stars by inkwelled (1k): "God, what did they do to you," Maria whispers, wrapping another bandage around Carol's bicep. / For all it's worth, Carol doesn't even wince. [This hurts but in a delicious way. There’s a kind of soft aching quality to the angst, it’s premium, good stuff, you can feel the love.] 

Carol/Jessica

Always Falling by sariane (2k): “What do you want?”“I don’t want to be her sloppy seconds. I want all of it, all the corny relationship stuff. I want the dumb date nights, the stupid fights, the awkward breakfast-making elbow bumps. I want to take her up flying – someday. I don’t know,” Carol says suddenly, scuffing her foot on the street, “I want stability.”Carol wants a lot of things. She does not want to be Jessica's rebound girl. [Basically Jess and Clint break up, Carol is a great friend on the comfort front, and then Jess kisses her. And Carol assumes it’s because she’s a rebound. There’s some light angst over that, it’s very well-done. Characterization is very good.]

Fly, Fight, Win by singalellaby (1k):  It's not a sign of superhero lesbian bed death, whatever Peter says, it's just that Jess is an Adult. A Mature Adult. In a Mature Adult Partnership with a woman who happens to wear skin-tight suits as her work uniform and it was either become habituated to her girlfriend being the hottest anything with Kree DNA around or living in a state of permanent arousal in her own pretty damn tight costume. And since S.H.I.E.L.D doesn't spring for laundry expenses, that was so not an option. [Jess POV, admiring her really hot partner.]

He Picked the Wrong One by beckydawolf (Carol/Jess, 34k): When Captain Marvel and Spider-Woman are knocked unconscious on a mission, they wake up in a world a lot like their own. In fact, it’s almost identical. Except that the Civil War never happened, Jess doesn’t seem to exist and their Carol is dead. Oh and then there’s Natasha Stark.Turns out, slipping between universes might not even be the most complicated part of this mess. (Fantastic characterization, really love the perfect Carol and Jess banter, nested in this wonderful comic book-y plot that works as perfect background for the development of the characters and the relationships. Also the plot is entirely driven by characters and their relationships and their love - both unhealthy and healthy. It’s great)

In My Dreams by sariane (3k): Carol may not have her memories, but she has her dreams.(But, of course, she dreams of kissing Jessica. As if her life isn't already complicated enough.) [This fic takes this concept and does a phenomenal job with it. You really get Carol’s growing frustration with the dream as she tries to work out what it means by subtly asking everyone other than the person in her dream.] 

It’s A Slow Slide Into Misandry by bendingwind (800): Carol's all fixed up and Jessica's moved on, and things have... changed. [Short little fic post-Hawkeye break-up, dealing with feelings. It’s cute.]

once you live a good story by pummelwhack (Carol/Jess, 13k):  Carol and Jessica redefine what it means to be happy, in the context of coffee, philosophy, and each other. Or: the one where Carol and Steve own a used bookstore, Sam runs the coffee shop next door, and Jessica searches for more than what life is currently offering her. (Lovely, soft fic about falling in love and finding happiness in each other and your life. Some truly beautiful lines and musings about philosophy.)

Pin the Tail by Alsike (Carol/Jess, 7k):  Carol doesn't know who she is. But she knows Jess. She likes Jess. There's probably a good reason why she's not dating Jess, but, you know, amnesia. [Glorious, this fic has pining and angst and trying to deal with amnesia and it just gets Jess and Carol down. And the emotions, they’re just really good as they navigate their relationship and the baggage they bring]

Red by awesomocity (1k): If Carol had been a more self-conscious person she might have worn stale jeans for another day. But years of dealing with brothers and locker rooms and the general knowledge she was both hot AND powerful made standing in a laundromat in her underwear at three in the morning tolerable, if not comfortable.(or, the one where Carol and Jess get romcommed by laundry.) [Love the characterization in this, just a really good fic for cheering you up.]

Smell Like I Sound by Sineala (6k):  Carol likes Jess a lot. That's not the weird part. The weird part is that Carol likes Jess a lot more when Jess isn't in the room. [A pheromones fic taking place in the Marvel Adventures verse. It’s really cute and I really like the push-pull of Carol figuring out her feelings and wondering why she keeps having these moments of revulsion around Jess.]

Snow Day by Traincat (1k):  Jessica Drew goes missing. Carol and the Hulk team up to get her back (and maybe fight some ice monkeys along the way). [Absolutely delightful fic, I love the dynamic between Carol and the Hulk as well as Jessica and the Hulk, and Carol’s concern for Jess. I could easily see this being a real comic]

Such a Cunning Disguise by WhenasInSilks (2k): Carol is fracturing again.Carol and Jess started dating six months before Stamford. Eight months before Captain America died on the courthouse steps. Ten months before things like the measurement of time ceased to be part of Carol’s personal universe.Now she sits alone in the darkness of her cell and feels herself fall apart.A Secret Invasion AU. [This fic HURTS. It’s beautifully written too which makes the angst all the more delicious. Warning for heartbreak and self-loathing and mental instability]

the small rain down can rain by tigrrmilk (3k): When Jess was jumping between universes, trying not to get killed, she had wondered - was there a version of her and Carol who had... made it work? [Jess dealing with Carol having amnesia and going off to space. Really good character stuff, all the complicated feelings Jess has about what Carol did, and then Carol showing up, you can really see the connection between them, regardless of memory loss or distance.] 

Turn Around and Look Back by Sineala (Carol/Jess, 6k):  When Carol first lost her memories, to Rogue, Professor Xavier healed her and let Jess experience all of Carol's missing memories. When Carol loses all her memories -- again -- it's up to Jess to give them back to her, in exactly the same way: Jess has to link with Carol telepathically. But Jess' mind contains a lot of feelings about Carol that she doesn't exactly want Carol to know about. [I love this fic, just all the feelings, the pining, the concern, the character voices, it’s all really good.]

Unshackled by beckydawolf (27k): Carol's in space and Jess is alone again. But that's the pattern of her life. The hunt for a missing teenager leads Jess to some new friends, reminds her she still has some old ones and forces her to face a part of her past she'd rather ignore. [A darker take on the pheromones and the trauma + complications of Jessica’s powers. This fic is really good at how it handles it, and I really love how supportive Carol is. Also Anya and Kamala and America and Kate show up and they’re awesome!]

[rowanartist]

Fan fiction quotes 2019:

"with great foods, came great emotional baggage"[X]extra funny since I just saw Into the Spiderverse

"Just get together every couple of weeks, without Stark, and you guys can pass Steve around like a bong."[ch2]whaat? And chapter three is a dirty parody - worth a read for the humor of it

"he just hopes Tony has the sense God gave concussed baby sheep "[X]interesting phrase

"“Science,” Jane says, drawing his face to hers, “Does not require pants "[X]fun series of short fics

"Never something so hot; not like a flame is hot, but the strength of something bathed in summer sun. "[X]interesting view on attraction

"(He'd been sketching when he thought that through; now there's a page that has a little cartoon of himself, ducking, with the caption "the spoons are attacking!" although he'd ended up finishing his latte before he actually drew any flying spoons.) "[X]Steve upon learning about spoon theory

"Can you think of anything that symbolizes the eighties better than David Bowie’s crotch in tights? "[X]giggle out loud! "You drink once if someone whines, if Sarah says something isn’t fair, or if we get a shot of Bowie’s crotch. "[Same]comment

"“Like you’re going to vibrate out of your skin?” Natasha finished for him, understanding. Sometimes, after what they’d been through, it was hard just to be in your body. Easier to dissociate, to let whatever was going to happen happen while the part of you that was you floated far away. Natasha had been there before, and she knew James went there sometimes. "[X]ponder?

"They’re each wrapped up in their own blanket burrito, lying side by side in the dark, sharing one pillow. "[X]dual blanket burritos

"For most of his life he learned the safest option was to repress his emotional responses as much as possible, and over time he forgot how to access them when he actually needed to. "[X]relatable to a small degree

"Nothing too special but I’m pretty much Michael Bay’s wet dream "[X]to describe bakugo lol

"Most people," Midoriya continued gently, "don't need to be told they have a crush by the person that they have the crush on."[X]my boyfriend can relate to Midoriya here...

"about how if Midoriya could go this long talking without breathing in any new air, he'd probably be really good at kissing. "[same]lol

"God, fuck off. You look so freshly screwed that it hurts me. "[X]Bakugo ;p

"After all, shodō is one of Shouto’s hobbies. For Midoriya’s birthday last year, he made a beautiful poster of UA’s motto that is now displayed prominently above Midoriya’s bed. "[X]draw? If i can? "Please don’t use your All Might voice when we’re making plans to have sex. "[Same]lol

"He’d known for a while that his boyfriend internalizes, that he still struggles with a lot of insecurities and periodic depression from his years around his dad "[X]comment

"Shouto you’re worth more than anything. And you deserve happiness. I don’t care what micro-dick has said to you in the past or any shit he spews out of the mouth that’s somehow more obnoxious than Present Mic "[same]dam it Endeavor :/ "You’re a dork,” Izuku mutters in a break for breath. “Your dork,” Shouto says quietly "[Same]awww

"But if you ever forget your phone again I will use you as an advertisement balloon for a day, and that’s a promise."[X]lol

"First of all, I challenge you to find a dress that can fit that shoulders to waist ratio.” Shouto replied, matter-of-factly, pointing at Izuku’s entire body. “Secondly, you absolutely lack the manners to be a princess, you brute.” "[X]part of a series

"Another young woman that couldn’t be older than Shouto and Izuku looked up at the call. She had a round face and long, brown hair with little orange streaks every now and then collected in a braid. The red rimmed glasses she wore made her yellow eyes look bigger, behind the lenses. She lit up, when she saw them. "[X]need to try to draw

"You’d die of embarrassment— Either that, or Aizawa-sensei would kill you. And I kind of like you alive, thank you very much.” "[same]LOL

" is standing there in grey sweats and a loose Totoro hoodie he got him on one of their first dates "[X]draw

"It definitely didn’t help that Izuku stretched lazily, something akin to a cat just waking up from a nap, one of his legs stretching against the wall as the opposite arm reached towards Shouto with fingers spread wide-open. "[X]DRAW!

"What? They’re really short, all my boxers showed and it was weird. "[X]...

"Just because he isn’t as obvious about it, doesn’t mean Shouto isn’t beyond anxious too. "[X]comment

"He doesn’t treat Shouto like he is fragile, but he treats him like he is precious, and that is an important distinction"...."Something precious, however, doesn’t necessarily break easy, but it warrants the utmost care. It’s meant to be cherished. "[X]relationship advice

"One of the national dishes has no meat in it, but it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever tasted. I thought we were all going to die and T’Challa was going to succeed in eliminating us. Then I heard him yelling at the chef, saying none of us were used to Wakandan peppers.” "[X]https://archiveofourown.org/works/8688724/chapters/19918951#workskin

"All Tony was supposed to do was fix the alternator. Instead he built me a Jeep that tells me I have to initiate a proper launch sequence before I’m able to turn it on and drive.” "[Same]comment

"I’m sorry,” Midoriya retracts his hand, and Todoroki misses it instantly. “It’s not something I can fix, and that makes me sad. You don’t deserve to hear the things he tells you.” "[X]reread comment. Relatable to a degree personally

"But he has to admit the Docs greener side is awfully useful in a brawl; and his less menacing side has a wicked sense of humor, not to mention awfully good with a med kit. "[X]i like Bruce having a sense of humor

"That's what friends are for anyway, having your back when times are tough, and amusement for when times are peaceful. "[X]amusing

"Bucky didn't think he was being rude, but if Captain America said so, it must be true. "[Same]comment

"Steve’s always been a fan of cuddles, even if he doesn’t like to admit it, admit how much he needs that physical contact. "[X]I'm a fan of this concept

"Which in Steve-speak means that you’re feeling guilty as all hell over things you can’t control – again, mind you – and you can’t rest because you can’t shut your brain up.” "[Same]relate "There’s power in this act, Darcy thinks as she sucks and licks up and down his length. To be able to take someone apart with just her mouth and a few touches of her hands. Reduce them to tears or send them flying upwards into the heavens. And the knowledge that she wants to do this for him – for them – makes the feeling all the more potent. She doesn’t have to do this, but it’s her choice, and she wants to give this to them. "[Same]ponder more

"She may not come from it, but the closeness and the intimacy is far more important than any orgasm. "[X]remember

"He knows better, knows that Bakugou’s punches of greeting and movie nights at Yaoyorozu’s house with Mina, Hagakure, and Tsu, and that baking with Izuku are all love. That’s love, not the villain sat behind the desk. "[X]dark fic, author warns in notes. But this line is sweet

"Natasha Romanoff is a world-class spy, yes. But she’s also a potato chip thief who makes dumb jokes and uses emoticons (she had been very adamant that Steve learn the difference between emoticons and emojis), and Steve adores her for it. "[ch5]she's human

"Bucky flopped onto it rolling around like a dog on the soft surface, Natasha quietly responding by taking out her phone and videoing his nonsense. "[ch2]Mr. Kate style rug cuddle but solo

"“First of all, just because someone is good looking does not mean I should have sex with them. There are attractive serial killers Nat, do you want me to get murdered? Second of all, I don’t know him. Third of all, he’s not looking at me like I’m chicken wings, also Clint, seriously? Chicken wings?” "[same]lol, but I'm with you Bucky

"Even in just plain sweatpants, the American icon without a shirt was an image that would have anyone seeing stars and stripes, regardless of sexual orientation. "[X]:)

"Agent Bishop was hit with a biological weapon today that has a ninety-two per cent chance of ending in fatality within three days unless proper care is administered to disperse the chemical compound through natural methods. Meaning, in the case of humans, sexual release. As in, orgasming."[X]a legalese description of "sex pollen" ...

"Do the horizontal contra dance, yes," Darcy answered. "Well kind of, I mean there's only three of us and a contra dance is four to a group, but tango is just for two and I had to think of something fast. Come on, Stevie, this isn't the first time we've hooked up. "[X]lol

"He wanted something just for him again, even though he felt like a selfish asshole for even thinking it. So he would do whatever he could to chase after that feeling. Even if it was stupid. Even if it was silly. "[ch2]advice, remember "Tony must never read these, Steve thought. Bucky’s arm would never be safe. "[ch3]Steve Discovers FanFiction "Steve stayed focused on the screen, sticking out his tongue a little while he concentrated. It was unfairly adorable. "[ch4]Jarvis knows how to motivate Steve: a Bucky themed typing game "Good things would happen. Funny, clever jokes would be told. Sexy adventures were always available, no matter what was happening in the real world. "[X]relatable "There was even a page of ‘Bucky Approved Sex Words and Phrases’. The name alone never failed to make Steve smile "[ch7]lol "He wasn’t really writing this stuff for the money anyways; mostly he just wanted to see that other people liked and enjoyed what he was doing. "[Same]relatable: my redbubble rowan-artist

"Darcy’s eyes widened. “Oh god, I just imagined you naked, dusted in gold, on a satin-sheeted bed. My mind is a dangerous place.” “Hey, there’s always Halloween.” "[ch6]you being Steve

"Jane was rapidly nearing the angry-bear stage of sleep deprivation (there were seven levels on the Dr. Jane Foster Sleep Deprivation chart; angry bear was number five, between 'genius-level insane productivity' and 'sugar high five-year old'), "[X]also Dean Fury ... "Then you come to me, we'll kill a bottle of Jameson and make Thor carry our drunk asses home while we sing Les Mis horribly off-key," "[same]amusing

"This is why you should always read end-user agreements on friendships. "[X]not the fic but the start notes, lol. Also, Maria's entry is adorable, and Pepper potts!! "(“So what you’re telling me is you spent a week building a glorified roomba,” Rhodey says the first time he sees it, and Tony lets out an undignified huff and makes JUNK-E destroy and clean a grand piano.) "[Same]hahha

"And it’s better to be an asset, which at least sounds like something you value, than a glorified action figure. "[ch3]comment "Steve’s friendship is stronger than even Steve’s shield, and protects them both just as much "[Same ch9]awww

"Bucky actually is, but she knows well enough not to ask. Instead, she has started braiding flowers into Natasha's hair while the other girl of the group is busy making a flower crown for Thor. This is what it must be like to have real friends, Bucky thinks, lounging in his camping chair, trying to eat with one hand while Steve is holding his arm, drawing on the inside of his forearm with a black pen. "[ch2]flower crowns "I heard a lot of things I kind of projected on myself. It's probably stupid, but… it's always crazy to hear things that apply to oneself somehow." "It's the magic of music. Sam once told me about the Mr. Brightside effect–" "[ch4]yes "Bruce is on his own so much that he probably doesn't even notice that he has friends "[ch5]relatable, high school me

"The most beautiful thing however was the wall right next to the bed-- while all the other walls were the same off-white color, this one sported stripes of different colors down. Blue, red, green, purple, black, another shade of lighter blue. In the middle of these stripes, the Avenger signs were painted by a meticulous hand; Cap’s shield, Tony’s arc reactor, Mew Mew, and so on-- Darcy didn’t notice she was crying into Mara started wailing in solidarity "[ch1]draw?

"He knows it, like Steve and Bucky know that Tony needs praises and affection, not commands. "[ch8]...

"She thanked Sif (a habit she had started lately, thanking the Asgardian warrior instead of some non-present God, because really, if there was a god she wanted to follow, it would totally be Sif) "[X]nice Darcy "Even if she wasn’t an Avenger per say, she got to be on the team, both super and nonsuper alike. "[ch2]awww

"Elizabeth is going to make coffee happen, and in Darcy’s eyes that makes her a goddess. "[X]comment "By the end, Steve had been right in the thick of it, using a frypan as a shield and hurling pasta like nobody’s business. "[same]comment "Agent Hill’s bad ass levels are through the roof, but put her in front of a powerpoint and the result is coma-inducing. "[Ch3]lol "JARVIS, my man, I need some fat beats up in here. Help a sister out?” "[ch3]comment

"She knew now that it was almost certainly to do with her personal level of comfort and how hard both Steve and Barnes had worked to make her feel good. "[middle chapter]comment

"A video clip of the Asgardian scientist Tadeas and Neil Degrasse Tyson singing a scientific ballad of their own composition was one of the most viewed Youtube videos of all time "[X]lol "He grabbed [a muffin] and shoved it into his mouth, belatedly peeling the paper off. "[Same]haha! :D "Darcy put a box of Sour Patch Kids on top, “Those are for Heimdall.” "[X]comment "“No. Damnit, Darcy. You’re stubborn. Of course you’re stubborn! Jesus Christ, I can’t even imagine what it must like to be in the same room as the two of you.” "[X]best friend sass "But Clint is a human with a bow on a team of superheroes. "[X]Darcy's favorite avenger and why Ch4 music note "Apparently Thor is back on Earth. He showed up in New York right after we left and basically deafened all of Brooklyn with his displeased shouting about his missing Shield Sister. So now everyone knows I’m gone and my disappearance is trending on Twitter as #MissingAsgardianPrincess. How is this my life?! I can’t even with this shit.” "[X]mild spoiler? HAHAHA "Try having a conversation with one of them [asgardians]-- 4 to 1 odds it turns into some sort of ballad recitation. "[X]...

"The next day, Izuku Midoriya delivered his eleven page elaborate essay on how ordering sex toys inspired him to be more honest with himself and his boyfriend about what he wanted in life and in bed. "[X]lol

"“Fire for stop, ice for slow, and smash for go.” "[X]comment

[jumphq]

A Hand to the Devil? A Gift to the Masses?

I’m thinking that this might be my last post here on Tumblr. I’m not antiTumblr, necessarily…it was a necessity in 2015 to get up and going as quickly as possible. But it has always felt clunky and now that we have other options: our official page, Medium, Patreon…it’s time to consolidate, I think. I feel like this blog has kind of been out in the wilderness a little and maybe it’s time to give it a better home.

Speaking of Patreon, our page launched last Thursday, and while I was very much looking forward to it, I can’t lie: I lost a number of nights of sleep over it. Why?

It’s the oldest way for artists to exist: through the patronage of people that want to support the artists in making new art. This practice allowed tons of artists do what they did for centuries, and happily. But this practice hasn’t really been a part of the modern world until “crowdfunding” became legal. Even then, it is one thing to ask people to help you pay for one thing. It’s another to ask for people to give part of their monthly income to you, not knowing about the thing, but hoping that a thing happens. So, anxiety.

It is thrilling and feels icky at the same time, to ask for people to be your patrons. On the one hand, why shouldn’t you ask? I want to create things, as an artist. I want to create things for a living, as an artist. Why would those two statements need to be separate thoughts?

I was actually taught that they were separate thoughts. If you are a son of two artists, you learn that money isn’t something that is easy to come by. You go to art school, you are encouraged to wear the “starving artist” badge on your sleeve proudly. Artists are special. They are different. Artists are poor.

Again, why? I don’t know. If you’ve never tried to make a living being a full-time artist, you might don’t know this. It’s hard. When I make money as a web developer, it sometimes makes me angry. Why do I make so much more money building a website for a marketing firm, or an app for a company that sells stocks? These jobs aren’t nearly as difficult or interesting to me as writing a song or acting in a play, but they are far more highly valued by society.

I like writing code. I like getting paid to do so. But I don’t like it as much as being on stage. I can (more easily) support my family writing code, and live a comfortable life, but if that’s all I do, I feel unfulfilled. I could build websites by day and act in plays at night, but that is sort of a drag for me because then I’m in two full-time day jobs and am always sort of strung out and exhausted and can’t give my best to any work I do.

This is just me, by the way. I’m just speaking about my experience as an artist. My fellow developers are very fulfilled being full-time coders. Tons of actors here in Chicago love to have day jobs for money and then put on their “Artist Caps” at night. They have the drive and energy to do that. I am not knocking their choices. I’m just a better person, a better artist, when I am single-tasking: getting paid to do one, fulfilling, creative job.

Jump, Little Children never got “famous”. We were successful for a rock band in that we could hit the road and have between 50 and 5000 people come see us when we played, depending on the location. In some cities we were almost a household name and in others very few people had heard of us. We weren’t as business-savvy and easy to swallow as Guster and we weren’t a sexy two-person band like Shovels and Rope. We just didn’t catch on enough, and there is no big clear reason why. We cannot really blame bad management and record label issues. The truth is that tons of amazing bands don’t catch on, don’t make it to Conan, but love writing and playing and do it for as long as they can financially and emotionally stay afloat. It doesn’t matter “why”. We gave it our all, made some good decisions and some bad ones, and were proud that it was our full-time job for as long as it was.

Of course, by “full-time job” standards, we were way below the poverty level our entire career. It’s expensive to run a business, and Jump was our sexy business, which meant that if there was anyone that was going to get a pay cut when times were tough, it wouldn’t be our manager, tour manager, lawyer, or sound guy. Just us. You keep going in the hopes that you’ll eventually be the ones making the most money; that didn’t happen for us and I have no regrets.

It was amazing to finally get paid a living wage when the band was done in 2005. The first time I made a weekly paycheck I couldn’t believe it. Making $30k a year for the first time was like being fabulously wealthy…and this was in my very late 30s. Being comfortable was intoxicating for a while, but not being a creative person for a living kind of left me with a empty feeling in my chest. My journal entries pre-2015 had a theme: ask after ask for the Universe to bring me something that would both be a fulfilling career and support my family at the same time.

Yet when the Universe brought the Jump reunion in 2015 to me, I was the last person in the band that said “yes”. I assumed that the chapter was closed and I was fine with it. The five of us weren’t that close at the time and I had forgotten what it was like to play music with people that knew you as well as Jay, Johnny, Ward and Evan knew me. I knew that saying “yes” was going to open up a lot of baggage that had been packed away, would be a ton of extra work for me personally, was going to be scary and emotional and possibly a big fucking failure.

It has been some of those things, too. But as you’ve gathered from this blog, it has also been incredible–a great creative lump of plaster putty to fill in my unfulfilled chest hole (gross!). Worth the being away from home, worth the pay cuts again, worth the anxieties and fears and insecurities. Lots and lots of sleepless nights. Worth it.

I’m luckier than the members of the band that don’t live on Facebook and Instagram, I’m luckier than those that don’t stay in the lobbies of rock clubs after every show until the venue kicks us all out. I’m luckier, because I can see the direct impact our saying “yes” to JLC in 2015 made on your lives and therefore on my life. You’re very honest about it, and I don’t take it lightly. The music has gotten you through bad times and good and happy moments and sad. The community has not just been a place to put your love of a rock band, but also a place to put your own dreams and hopes and needs. Every band might be required to say “we couldn’t do it without our fans” but I know more than anyone how true that statement is for Jump. I’m lucky.

So, Patreon.

Man, it is hard. I get it. For those of you that are a little taken aback at our choice to try this out in order to keep our creative little rock and roll world afloat, I feel you. Everyone is asking for your money these days. How can people that don’t have 9 to 5 jobs ask you to help pay for their lifestyle? Especially if you like your 9 to 5 job? I do not have an answer, because it feels a little icky and uncomfortable to me, too.

Cards on table: Jump, Little Children has two options in 2019. We can’t afford to do what we did last year and not get paid for the intense amount of work it takes to be a mostly-full-time band: writing, recording, touring, posting, streaming, marketing. We either try this Patreon thing out, or something like it, to see if it will help us be able to spend more time writing music and creating things, or we spend less time on the band and do more lucrative things to keep food on tables. Realistically, we will still have to do other things anyway, but anything helps. The days (and chances) of a big record label swooping in and paying us to write and record songs are over, and even when our big record label did swoop in, we didn’t get a pay raise anyway.

Friday morning I woke up with an idea to record some Irish music with my friend Amanda Kapousouz in time for St. Pat’s. And I felt a freedom to have that thought that I didn’t have before. Sure, I might have done the recording anyway, but knowing that I could at some point make a creative work like that happen and get paid for it was inspiring. I’ve just spent three hours writing this letter to you. Connecting with you has always been my job and always will be, whether I get paid for it or not, but it does take time, time that I could spend coding, I suppose. I’d rather write these love letters to you.

Patronage isn’t about putting a price on your love. We are putting a price on the pride we take in our work, the time we take to agonize over details, the care we put into everything from a melody, to a sentence, a pixel, a shade of hair dye. It’s not your responsibility to feed us. It’s our responsibility to find the means to feed ourselves. We would like to do that by writing songs and producing new content, and we are attempting to find new and creative ways to do so.

It could be a winning solution for everyone. If this works out for us, the goal is to keep writing music and performing. With something like Patreon, we could possibly have a new album next year. Without it, we might have a new album in 2022. That’s not a huge difference. Either way, it’s OK, right?

Support us on Patreon if you can, but if you cannot: please don’t. Please please don’t. If you like this idea and want to support us, but can’t afford to, let us know how we might help you make that work. Is it to change the tier prices? To put more stuff in the lower tiers? What would make it worth it? We need to have all the data at hand.

And if you can’t, please accept that we are still going to be around and not play games with your hearts? We’ll post to the same social media and do the same silly LIVE chats and tour and hopefully write new music. We are here, we love you just as much, so you can let other people pay while you reap the benefits, OK?

Whew. I feel better getting this off my chest…thank you. I’m gonna go record some flute, now, for fun…and profit?

We love you,

Matt “Overshare” Bivins

[fairlywonderful]

GOT7 Fan-fic. Rec.

 So, since I’ve read like 80% of fics in the Got7 fandom, I though I’d do a fic rec, to help you (potential reader) and so that I finally can have a list of my favorite fics. These are not all the fics I’ve read, just the first ones that came to my mind. Also most of it consist of JJP, but I will add more pairings as I go! This list is not yet complete, I’m working on completing it, it just takes a lot of time to search for these fics. None of these fics are mine, all credits go to the amazing authors! The only things that are mine, are the little reviews after each fic! Good read! :)

M = Mature / Explicit W = Trigger Warning ♡ = fave

                                           !still under editing!

Jaebum / Jinyoung

* M - Anteroom by minhyukie

Summary: How do you act around your ex with your child in the other room? It’s been almost a year and a half, and Jinyoung has yet to figure it out.

Review: soooo goood!! It’s extremely angsty but its so worth it! The growth of the character is portrayed really well, the side characters are awesome and such an important part of everything, I loved it so much! Also kid!yugyeom is always a plus! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

*M - Jaebum’s Color Theory by pepijr

Summary: Jinyoung is a film studies professor trying to get promoted and Jaebum does his best to help.

Review: Alright, in this one Jaebum is the cutest but dumbest human being. Like he’s really dense but it’s so on point and it’s so lovable it’s unreal. Everything is perfect about this one.♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 

*M - Meet The Parents by pepijr

Summary: Jinyoung loves Jaebum, and Jaebum loves him back, but a single note makes him question everything.

Review: It’s a continuation of Jaebum’s Color Theory, thank god the author has decided to bless us with more of this universe! It’s still ongoing but it’s just as good as the first one if not better! ♡♡♡♡♡♡

*M - The Park Family Recipe by pepijr

Summary: Jaebum and Jinyoung meet after six years with a lot more baggage than they remember.

Review: Another single dad!Jinyoung au (well kinda, Hyunjin is his little brother but he takes care of him). Jinyoung has a lot of problems but orphan!Jaebum is ready to fight for the family he choose. 

*M - bdsm quiz by okjb

Summary: jjp take a bdsm quiz and come to some interesting self-discoveries

Review: this one is pure smut lol

*M - Nora’s Dairies by pepijr

Summary: In which Nora makes sure that Jinyoung and Jaebum meet in every life.

Review: ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

*M - Take All Of Me by fishcake

Summary: It has bothered Jaebum since the day he could comprehend it.

Review: We need more omega!Jaebum in our life. ♡♡

* M - bloom by subsequence

Summary: Jaebum may have learned to accept his role as future king, but accepting this new role — the thought makes him sick to his stomach.If he could have, Jaebum would have chosen any other way to present as an omega.(Or: Omegaverse Arranged Marriage AU featuring Princes!JJP and a cast of loudmouth extras.)

Review: So good???? Like this one is right up my ally, I just fucking love everything about this one. Seriously, do yourself a favor and read it. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* M - Playboy by comingbacktoyou

Summary: Jaebum's intentions are obvious. Jinyoung doesn't get the hint.

Review: HOLY HOLY OH MY. Jaebum is a producer who's desperate for dick, Jinyoung is a new artist acting all prude bUT JUST WAIT FOR IT. Cute Markson in the bg. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* M - The Tiger and the Duke by foxxing

Summary: Im Jaebum is the richest man in the country under forty, content to mess around and skirt the headlines as a cutthroat businessman and casual playboy. Park Jinyoung is a graduated English Literature major, content with (in Jackson's words) his boring life working at a restaurant and writing poetry. When their worlds collide over a spilled cup of coffee, Jinyoung learns there's a lot more to life than the secrets of his past and the safety of library books.

Review: This one is literally a JJP classic. Long af but sooo worth the read. The characters really just grow on you, even if they are dumb af sometimes :( also GREAT SMUT

* M - Wilder by Sugarbowl

Summary: Newly graduated, Jinyoung is determined to try new things. New parties, new boys, and when Mark asks for a favor, even volunteering as a counselor at summer camp. But new experiences can get complicated, and he quickly finds himself a little out of his depth.

Review: Another classic. I live for the sex scene in at the end. Jaebum is confused and doesn't know how to stand up for himself and Jinyoung is jealous af but also kind of insecure. But they make a great pair together :'). ALSO great smut (!), awesome Markson and cute af Yugbam plus a bunch of great Kpop cross overs (!!).

* M - Charade by Sugarbowl

Summary: Jaebum and Jinyoung walk parallel paths in many ways, but Jaebum isn't interested in their intersection. Jaebum struggles to support his young son on his own, while everything seems to come easy for wealthy, charming Jinyoung. But when they're forced to partner for a project, Jaebum finds himself a bit more willing, and much more in need.

Review: Another great fic by Sugarbowl. It's still ongoing but this fic is so beautiful. Both Jaebum's and Jinyoung's feelings are portrayed extremely well and the way they come together is beautiful. Plus kid!Yugyeom is adorable. ♡♡

* M - Citation by KingJackson

Summary: When the one book he needs for an important term paper has to remain in the campus library, Jinyoung catches the eye of Jaebum, a library assistant.

Review: Another classic. Jinyoung is dumb af in this fic, I literally was on the verge of screaming while reading this. But luckily Jaebum is soft af, so everything works out in the end :DD Great smut is always a plus! ♡

* M - Flux by foxxing

Summary: Jinyoung doesn't love him back.

an AU where jaebum and jinyoung have been best friends for their entire lives, and where jaebum has always been irrevocably in love with him but somehow, jinyoung just doesn't seem to get it.

Review: Another fic that makes me scream. LIKE SERIOUSlY WTF. My heart ached so much during this fic :( But as always everything works out but man, this was an emotional ride for me. ♡

* M - Compas Calling by Sugarbowl

Summary: Prince Jinyoung is destined for a lifetime of luxury, until he's shoved in a trunk and accidentally abducted. Im Jaebum clawed his way out of poverty to captain a pirate ship and... not much else, actually. Jinyoung could be his first real treasure, if Jaebum could just figure out how holding someone for ransom actually works.

Review: BEST FUCKING FIC OF THE CENTURY DO YOU HEAR ME I'VE RE-READ THIS ONE SO MANY TIMES IT'S THE BEST OMG ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* M - A certain Romance by foxxing

Summary: By day, he's a top-rated babysitter. By weekends he's an x-rated escort. These things are generally kept separate, until the day his weekend regular gets his phone number by recommendation and calls for an emergency babysitter. The problem is that Jaebum doesn't know that Junior the escort is also Jinyoung the babysitter.

In which Jaebum and Jinyoung know each other in the biblical sense but maybe want to get to know each other, too.

Review: okay this fic is like really hot and kid!yugyeom is back at it with being adorable :')♡♡

* Unless by gotchick

Summary: jaebum had always been mark's best friend, while jinyoung was mark's kid brother. (high school au)

Review: Really cute au, the progress of growing up is portrayed well and realistically. (Spoiler! Honestly I live for the scene where JB throws a pillow on Jinyoung's surprise boner to save him :'DD )

* M - Wildcat by foxxing

Summary: No one really talks about it, but it's a well known secret that Jaebum’s real vice is racing cars. Dangerous and incredibly illegal, street racing is the one thing Jaebum is good at (besides being the nation’s first pain in the ass) and has never been caught for. How he does it, nobody knows: Jaebum's been caught for drugs, for stealing, for fighting, but it seems like the one thing the police can never pin him down for is the one thing he loves the most.

He represents everything that Jinyoung can't stand, and Jinyoung hates him.

Review: this is some A+++++ smut right here. ♡

* W - the grandfather paradox by symmetrophobic

Summary: Jaebum locks himself in a cyclic normalcy of work, home, life, and the two people he now loves most in the world- his husband Jinyoung and six-year-old son Yugyeom. So when a mysterious teenager shows up in his life and messes all that up, to say that he's just a little displeased by the change would be an understatement. But Jaebum soon discovers there's more to this quiet, truthful boy than meets the eye, and knows that he has just about four days to find out why.

Review: Amazing fic, but my heart hurts so bad :(((((((((

* M - Prove it by Got7hearts

Summary: For as long as he can remember Jaebum has always been there, protecting him and taking care of him like the big brother he never had so what happens when Jaebum is pronounced an alpha and Jinyoung an omega and the air between the two suddenly shifts.

Review: Great A/B/O fic and hot af smut!

* Of duchebags and pretty boys by schoetheisrealaf

Summary:  "Dear Dog Biscuit, Since you seem unable to understand the sign that clearly indicates that this parking space is to be exclusively used by the staff of this facility, I’ll kindly explain it to you again: Until you’re an employee of the state who works his ass off for society only to get shit wages and the worst working hours you CAN’T USE THIS PARKING LOT, SO FUCK OFF! Apart from that, have a nice day. PS.: I hope you don’t have sex for a year. :)"

OR

You steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you're hot AU Starring Jinyoung the kindergarten teacher and Jaebum the (arrogant yet dorky) business man

Review: I JUST LOVE THIS FIC IT'S SO CUTE OK?!?♡♡♡♡♡♡

* M - lagoon by gotchick

Summary: in elegant terms, jaebum is jinyoung's sponsor. in inelegant terms, he's jinyoung's sugar daddy.

* M - Walls of Glass by hakka is_shadow, katamari

Summary: The city's social structure is firm and unyielding--Alphas at the top, Betas in the middle, and Omegas as pliant, broken servants to the Alphas. When Im Jaebum, the heir of an old Alpha family suddenly finds his social position flipped, he's thrown into a world of intrigue, deceit, and as the very unwilling servant to an even more unwilling Park Jinyoung.

Review: OK SO THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THE BEST WRITTEN FIC IN THIS FANDOM. LIKE THE UNIVERSE IS SO WELL MADE AND THE PROGRESS OF JJP RELATIONSHIP MAKES MY HEART SWELL UP WITH LOVE ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* Come Soflty (to Me)  by Sugarbowl

Summary: Jinyoung is new in town, and Jaebum is trouble. 50's AU

* M - Spoor by maledict

Summary: It wasn’t odd, to present so late, but that wasn’t the problem.

Review: I don't like to read canon fics, but this one was a great one.

* an apple a day by moonlikeyou

Summary: Doctor Park Jinyoung, star of Seoul Medical Centre's paediatric department, is used to being treated by nothing less than starry-eyed adoration and respect. So, its no surprise that when Im Jaebum, a surgeon with maddeningly pretty twin moles, kicks him out of "his" operating room, Jinyoung gets a little mad.

Okay, maybe more than a little mad. But it's all Im Jaebum's fault anyway.

Review: DOCTOR!AU. CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* M - Taint Me by Got7hearts

Summary: Jinyoung is seventeen when he falls in love with Jaebum, who is eight years older than him.

Review: Jaebum with piercing. That's it. ♡♡

*M - This Christmas (I'll give you my heart) by schoetheisrealaf

Summary: Jaebum and Jinyoung have a fight at the supermarket in the morning. Jaebum and Jinyoung find out they're arranged to be married in the evening. Jaebum and Jinyoung fall in love, but only in time.

OR

Shouting match over the last Christmas goose at the grocery store AU

Review: This is super cute. Best while listening to Confession. :'3

* M - Smoke and Mirrors by hakkais_shadow

Summary: This was not the birthday present that Im Jaebum was expecting...

Review: Mafia au and hot af smut... ♡♡

* M - I Don't Fucking Care (At All) by wonwoozi

Summary: “Your boyfriend’s hot when he plays.” Jackson mumbles to him as he slips an arm behind Jinyoung, hand finding purchase on the edge of the wooden bartop, his fingers gripping the ribbed edge.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Jinyoung replies instinctively and gives Jackson a routine jab to the ribs. “And that’s my line, by the way.” He adds as his eyes trail over to Mark, sat behind the drumkit with his face trained into a concentrated smirk, smashing every beat perfectly, hair positively dripping with sweat.

“Not my boyfriend either.”

* M - keep me warm by subsequence

Summary: The problem is that Jaebum...isn't a cat. At least, not entirely. God, sometimes Jinyoung wishes it were that easy, wishes he could just leave out a bowl of food and water and maybe get his laptop keyboard used as a napping spot when he was supposed to be working and have a simple owner-pet relationship.Instead, Jinyoung has a romantic entanglement bordering on codependency and the worst case of blue balls he’s ever had.And Mark had said that getting a cat hybrid would be good for his blood pressure. What a joke.

Review: Another amazing work from subsequence. Every time I read the part where Jaebum swats at Jinyoung’s dick, I just can't stop laughing. :’DD♡♡♡♡

*M - Human Nature by cutiepiemarkeu

Summary: Jaebum accidentally summons an incubus and his boyfriend Jinyoung walks in on the two of them almost getting their freak on. Arguments ensue and JJProject are stuck with an incubus they can’t get rid of - but how do they deal with his attractiveness and the overwhelming urge to have sex with him?

Review: This is a 3-some featuring Mark. But the smut is so good, honestly. Really worth the read. ♡♡♡♡♡

Mark / Jackson

* The Prince Who Never Laughed by seitsemannen

Summary: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, lived a beautiful and kind prince named Mark, who after his mother's loss never laughed again. That was until he met the brightly smiling apprentice of a glassblower, Jackson Wang.

Review: Such a great and quality fic! Honestly, this was such a good read I can only recommend it! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* Twist by KingJackson

Summary: Mark knows Jinyoung. Jinyoung knows Jackson. Jackson hooks up with Jinyoung who also hooks up with Mark. Mark goes to hook up with Jinyoung and ends up also sleeping with Jackson. Jackson sometimes hooks up with Jaebum, but that isn’t important right now.

And they say romance is dead.

Review: All right so this fic is one hell of a mess, but a mess sent straight from heaven! The main pairing is Markson and Markjin (it's complicated) but there's end game Markson and JJP, plus Jackson is an angel sent from heaven in this one! Don't let the pairing discourage from reading this gem! ♡

* Private Show by Got7hearts

Summary: Mark likes to put on a show and Jackson loves to watch until he's been caught.

Review: A+ smut.

* M - lapis lazuli by gotchick

Summary: in which mark is a businessman and jackson is a fencer.

Review: great fic with rich kinda arrogant but kinda insecure mark plus lots of smut!

* M - Playhouse by seitsemannen

Summary: All sorts of rumours surround the handsome Wang heir and the good-looking servants of his household, but no one seemed to know for sure, as no matter the price, the members were not willing to give the secrets of their Master up.

Mark doesn't care for celebrities or rumours, except the one that says the Wang household pays several times more than the usual servant's salary, so when there's a job opening at the House, he goes for it. In the days and weeks spent at the House, Mark gets to know the members and finds out what of the ludicrous rumours were true and what weren’t. What he did not know to expect, however, is how good friends he would become with the other members of the House, and what’s worse, that he would fall in love with Jackson Wang.

Review: THE BEST. Multiple pairing but mostly Markson. Still ongoing but sooooo worth the read. also, long af. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* never felt clean, your timing was perfect by jflawless

Summary: i. jackson is five years old when he’s convinced he’s discovered the secret to love. it’s not much of a secret, he thinks, watching his parents exchange blatant “i love you”s only to quietly prove it later in subtle actions.

you like someone. you’re nice to them. they like you too. it’s the simplest thing he’ll ever do, he thinks, falling in love. a lot easier than tying his shoes or adding double digits or reading without his mom there to pronounce the really long words.

Jaebum / Jackson

* Just Smile Again by riots

Summary: Jackson's been lowkey nursing this crush for years, but he never meant for Jaebum to ever find out. Mark and Jinyoung have other ideas. Also, they're terrible friends.

* Face by jibootyjimin

Summary: @defsoul has started following @jiaerwang

--

(or an Instagram au in which famous Chinese rapper Jackson Wang acts like a complete fanboy over idol singer Im Jaebum)

Review: ♡♡

*Secret Little Rendezvous by seikou

Summary: "It's all fun and games until your favorite idol notices you."

(or: Im Jaebum is an Idol and Jackson Wang is a Fanboy.)

Review: ♡♡

* Fluffy Tales by wildandsexy

Summary: Jackson Wang’s Definitive List of Things Im Jaebum, Roommate, Cat Hybrid and Grump Extraordinaire Does and Does Not Like:

DOES LIKE: • Hoodies • The one table on the library’s second floor by the big window (direct sunlight all morning) (it’s basically heaven on Earth) • Nap time (usually at 11am) (and 12pm) (and 1pm) (and 2pm) (and 3pm)…

DOES NOT LIKE: • Waking up • Being awake in general • Not being asleep • Jackson Wang

Jackson Wang's new roommate doesn't even hate him. He 'nothings' him. And that's just something that Jackson can't live with.

Review: SO GOOD SO CUTE JAEBOM IS ADORABLE BUT GRUMPY AND JACKSON IS TRYING HIS BEST ♡♡♡♡♡♡