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uncloseted · 3 years ago

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saying "people who identify as girls are girls" is not simple. at all. i mean ok i am a girl. why? because i identify as one. but why? there's nothing that unites all girls. which doesn't mean that all girls have to be exactly the same but they at least need to have ONE thing in common. i mean if people say yeah i like women, when i'm in the street i look at women not men. how do you know? how do you know who's a man and who's a woman and who's anything else? and even woke people look at someone

1and think "girl" then think, or maybe they're non binary! but they never say or maybe they're a man. never. a person who looks like me has two options: girl or one of the hundreds of non binary identities. but to be a man, I'd have to try harder. it's not enough to IDENTIFY AS. ffs I can't be the only one who sees this. and just to clarify, i sent the joke about Emily being transphobic and i sent the first two of the three asks that you answered together i forgot this. you seriously thinl that if you raise a baby completely gender neutral, like one of those "theybies" and you tell them a girl is someone who identifies as a girl a boy is anyone who identifies as a boy nb is someone who identifies as neither, that they will deep down, without taking into account any stereotypes or biological essentialism, know what gender they are? even if they end up saying I'm a girl/boy, it will be because they will be exposed to girls and boys and "choose" the one they relate most to, or even because they like how the word "girl" or "boy" sounds.

I think you're asking some really good questions here. You're raising a lot of very philosophically interesting questions about the metaphysics of gender (what does it mean to have a gender, what does it mean to be transgender, is gender a social construct or is it innate to humans, etc) and how gender, as a social construct, impacts our lives on a day to day basis. Better philosophers than I have struggled with these questions for decades, but I'll do my best not to get too into the weeds on their different theories in this post. Instead, I'll offer my thoughts on what gender is and then investigate how we interact with it on a practical level. This is likely to be a long post, so apologies in advance, but it's a complicated issue that touches everyone's lives and I want to be mindful of that while writing this. Also apologies that this is going to be a pretty binary post. I don't mean to exclude nonbinary identities from this conversation, but to illustrate the points I'm trying to make, I think it's easier to talk about binary identities first. Just know that I do think nonbinary identities are real, valid and worthy of recognition and respect. Lastly, I'm not attached to any of the views expressed in this post. They reflect my thinking at this moment in time, but that might change as I learn more about these topics. I apologize if any of the views presented here are inadvertently hurtful. That's not my intention at all, but I recognize that regardless of intention, some things can cause harm. My goal in this post is to explore some ideas, and I would love to hear other people's opinions on this topic or criticism of these ideas. The Metaphysics of Gender So, to start out with, what is gender? Why are you a girl? Why do you identify as a girl? Why does anyone, and what links those people who identify as "girls" together? Is identifying as a girl enough to be one? These are complicated questions, both philosophically and culturally, and they've become more visible as we've become more culturally aware of gender variances (recently in the West. Third genders have always existed, and do continue to exist, in many cultures around the world). In biology and philosophy, there's a concept called "homeostatic property clusters" (stay with me here, I promise I'm going somewhere with this). "Homeostatic property clusters" is basically just a fancy phrase for the idea that if a creature has enough of a certain set of characteristics, they can be defined as part of a larger category, even if they don't have all of the traits that creatures in that category might have. In the PhilosophyTube video "Social Constructs", Abigail offers the category "mammals" as an example of a "homeostatic property cluster". Mammals are creatures that have warm blood, produce milk, and birth live offspring. Humans are mammals based on these characteristics, and so are seals and giraffes. But platypuses are also mammals, even though they lay eggs instead of birthing live offspring. These three properties, having warm blood, producing milk, and birthing live offspring, tend to "cluster" together, but they don't have to all be present in order for the creature to be "a mammal"- in this case, two out of three is fine. I think gender is similar. It's a homeostatic property cluster that includes biological, psychological, and social traits. Not all of those traits must be present for a person to "be a girl" or "be a boy", but enough of them have to be present in order for the person to be considered as part of that category ("girl" or "boy"). That cluster of traits is what all "girls" have in common, even if those traits aren't exactly the same for each individual. So, then, in the context of gender, what are those traits? "Biopsychosocial traits" is all very good as an academic term, but what does it actually mean? Let's start with the biological traits, since I think they're what most people default to when talking about gender. Biological Sex and Gender One trait we might consider when talking about whether someone "is a

girl" is sex characteristics. Sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts, but for many people, they're linked. Many cis people consider themselves cis because they were "born in the right body" or lack the desire to medically transition. They have a "subconscious sex" that matches their physical body. So I think this is a good place to start. We might ask the question, "does this person have primary or secondary sex characteristics associated with being "a girl"?" It feels like the answer should be obvious- do they have tits and fanny, or don't they? But in reality, "biological sex" itself is kind of a homeostatic property cluster. Female sex characteristics include XX chromosomes, ovaries, estrogen and gestagen, a vagina, uterus, and fallopain tubes, breasts, and a menstrual cycle. But there are people without some of these traits that are still "girls". For example, some girls don't have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they're still girls. Some girls don't have a uterus (for example, if they've had a hysterectomy), but they're still girls. Some girls never develop breasts, but they're still girls. Some girls are born with Swyer syndrome, where they have a uterus, fallopian tubes, a cervix and a vagina, but have XY sex chromosomes. They're still girls. Any one of those traits by themselves can't be enough to decide if a person "is a biological girl" or "isn't a biological girl", but if a person has enough traits in that cluster, then they can be considered part of the larger category "biological girl". That by itself is kind of a TERFy take, so I would offer that the biological trait in the cluster "girl" is "has a cluster of female sex characteristics, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics." But that alone can't be enough to determine if someone is or isn't "a girl". If it was, it would exclude pre-medical transition trans boys, even pre-medical transition trans boys who are living their lives as boys. It's also a transmedicalist take- it would also exclude trans people who never medically transition. To me, that doesn't feel right. People shouldn't be considered "a girl" or "a boy" based on biological essentialism, the pain of gender dysphoria, or their access to medical transition. So there have to be other factors at play- other traits in the cluster. Gender as Identity On the other side of the spectrum, some people say that gender is identity. You are "a girl" or "a boy" because that's how you identify- it's how you see yourself. In this viewpoint, gender is something innate to a person, that they instinctively know about themselves. It's perhaps a "female soul" in a "male body". In your ask, you express some scepticism about this view, and I'm inclined to agree. If humans have souls, I'm inclined to think they're not gendered, since what constitutes gender varies so widely across cultures and time periods. But I do also think that "identifying as" is an important element of "being a girl". Identifying as a girl is a basic criteria for being a girl. No person who doesn't identify as a girl can be a girl. It's an innate property of "girlness", the same way that an innate property of triangles is that they have three sides. But I do agree with you that I'm not convinced it's enough to only "identify as". Other traits in the cluster have to be present, because without a physical or social transition (or at least, the desire for a physical or social transition, particularly in cases of people for whom it's not safe or possible for them to transition), a person's identification doesn't have much practical value. Gender as a Social Role If "identifying as" isn't enough, then perhaps an important part of the gender conversation is the social role that gender plays in our lives. A gender is put upon us when we're born, and people continue to expect us to fill our assigned gender role throughout our lives. Maybe what's important isn't our body

parts or our internal identity, but instead, the gender role society lets us adopt. Perhaps society has to let you adopt the gender role you identify as. Either you're perceived as a woman or you aren't, either you "pass" or you don't. Perhaps those expectations that others have of you are what defines your gender. Intuitively, this seems to be tapping into something that feels true, at least to me. "Identifying as" isn't enough because society has to acknowledge that we are who we say we are. As you say, perhaps we have to "try harder" to "be a girl" or "be a boy" than just "identifying as". But this, too, has its problems. What about trans people who can't or don't pass? Does their transness get revoked for not appearing like they're trying hard enough? And what constitutes "hard enough"? Is trying at all "hard enough", or is there a point at which you "become" your gender? How many people need to reach a consensus on your gender before that's who you "are"? Does it get revoked by one person who misgenders you? And what about people who are cis, but occasionally put into an opposite gender role because of the way they present themselves? It seems to me that relying on other people to confer gender onto us is at once too limiting and not limiting enough. Gender as Gender Expression Going off of the idea of gender as a social role, then maybe gender is how you physically express yourself to the world- how you look to others. Maybe if you choose to express yourself as a given gender (through hair, clothes, makeup, voice, etc.), that's the gender that you are (or a reflection of the gender that you are), because that's how society will gender you. But that seems insufficient as well, for a lot of the same reasons that gender as a social role does. There are people who express themselves in stereotypically "masculine" ways but who identify as girls and who are understood to be girls by those around them. Their "girlness" is not culturally taken away from them based on their gender expression (unless there's another trait within the cluster of "being a girl" that they appear to not have). A girl can wear a full face of makeup, a dress and high heels, or have a pixie cut, no makeup, and wear a flannel and Doc Martens, but that alone isn't enough to say that she's not "a girl". This is especially true now, where very few ways of presenting are viewed as inherently gendered. Dresses and skirts are no longer exclusively "a girl thing" and pants have long been gender neutral. And what constitutes "presenting as a girl" and "presenting as a boy" changes across culture, time, and based on other characteristics an individual has (like class, race, size, or level of ability). So gender expression doesn't seem sufficient by itself to determine gender identity. Gender as Behaviors and Actions (aka Gender Performativity) Okay, so gender isn't just gender expression. But what about gender as a set of behaviors, something that you do? Gender performativity is a theory presented by Judith Butler in 1990 (sorry, I know I promised I wouldn't namedrop philosophical theories, but this is important to the conversation). Butler says that gender is constructed through a set of "acts" that are in line with societal ideas of what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". This performance of gendered acts is ongoing, even when we're alone, and is out of our control. Butler believes that there's no such thing as a "non-stylized" act- that is to say, everything we do is an act, and there's no such thing as an act that is not perceived as being somewhere on the spectrum of masculinity and femininity (at least, not in the current world we live in). The way we stylize these acts have the possibility to change over time. So Judith Butler believes that we "do" gender rather than "being" gender- that a girl "does girlness" over time. Put another way, a girl does behaviors, actions, and expressions that are stylized as "girly", which is what makes her gender identity "girl". And this gender, "girl", is constantly being

produced as the girl produces more of those "girly" acts. Instead of having an innate gender or expressing our internal gender through the way that we present, Butler thinks our outward gendered acts create our inner gender identity. Those acts and the way we perform them are shaped from the minute that we're born, when we're thrown into a pre-existing gender category and taught that "people like us" do things "in this way". This theory offers an answer to the question we asked in the previous section about gender as presentation; someone who is dressed "masculine" can still be "a girl" because they're performing "girlness"- they're doing acts that are in line with what we think of as "a girl". Because Butler doesn't believe that you're born with an internal gender, her work is controversial in trans spaces and are sometimes thought of as being trans-exclusionary (although Butler herself is a trans advocate). But I think disagree. Presumably, a person could change the stylization of the acts they perform. A person who was performing "boy" can begin to instead perform "girl", although they did not grow up performing "girl". It may be difficult, as they haven't had the performance of "girl" thrust upon them their entire lives, and have not experienced the "oppression experiences of girlhood" that can shape the performance of "girl". But gender performance and gender socialization are a lifelong process, and so the more a person "does girlness", the more they will be perceived as "doing girlness", and the more they will be expected to "perform girlness." I think it becomes something of a feedback loop where performance feeds socialization and socialization feeds performance. What about the "theybies"? What would happen if you raise a baby completely gender neutral? What would happen if a baby wasn't thrown into a pre-existing gender category upon birth? Would they identify as a gender without taking stereotypes or biological essentialism into account? This is essentially a question about social constructs. If we raised a baby with the understanding that some people have male sex characteristics, some have female sex characteristics, and some people have a combination of both, but removed the social constructs we have around gender, would gender still exist to this child? What you've created here is a "Twin Earth" thought experiment- a hypothetical where there are two Earths that are identical in every way except for one. Our Earth has the social construct of Gender, but Twin Earth does not. Would our Theyby still have a gender if they lived on Twin Earth? I think no. They wouldn't have a context to understand the social systems that we've created around sex characteristics, and so they wouldn't be able to place themselves within those systems. They wouldn't understand why we've based our whole society around sex characteristics as opposed to something else. They would be able to identify that they have the sex characteristics associated with "boys" or "girls", but not what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". (If you want to dig further into this idea of Social Constructs, that PhilosophyTube video I linked above is a good place to start). They could learn, but it wouldn't be innate to them. We, however, don't live on Twin Earth. We live on Earth. And on Earth, we do have the social construct of gender. So even if you raise a child completely gender neutral, they still have a concept of what it is to "be a girl" or "be a boy". They might learn that "girls" have long hair, or wear dresses, or are nice and caring, or are emotional, or walk and talk a certain way, or wear pink, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "girl". They might learn that "boys" have short hair, wear pants, are mischievous, are aggressive, or walk a different way, or wear blue, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "boy". Kids who are raised gender neutral look at the physical characteristics of other kids, the gender expression of other kids, the performance of "girlness" or

"boyness" that other kids do, and compare them to the physical characteristics they have, the gender expression they like, the gender expression that's expected of them from others, the performance of gender that they gravitate towards, and the performance of gender expected of them from others, and they tend to pick the one that feels more like their category. Most kids start conceptualizing their gender identity around age 3 or 4, and that's true for kids who are raised gender-neutral as well. When they start spending more time out in the world, they notice that they're different from some kids and similar to others, and they learn the language to describe those differences. But all of this is kind of beside the point, because raising a child as a "theyby" doesn't ultimately have the goal of the child not having a gender or growing up to be agender or genderqueer. It has the goal of allowing children to develop their likes, dislikes, and views of themselves without the contribution of harmful gender stereotypes. And I think that's actually a really great goal- how many of us that were raised female were discouraged from pursuing certain interests (especially science and technology related interests) because those "aren't girl things"? Kids will be exposed to those harmful stereotypes eventually, but if a kid is raised until age 3 without them, they might be more resilient to them when those ideas are presented. And for kids who do end up being transgender, being raised without gender lets them know that they'll be accepted by their family no matter their identity. Okay, but give us some answers... what is gender? So, we've gone over a lot of things that gender isn't, or at least, a lot of things that can't exclusively constitute a gender. But where does that leave us? What does that make gender? I propose it's something like the following: There are lots of ways to have or experience a gender. In order to have a gender, a person must:

1. Identify as that gender and: 2. have a cluster of sex characteristics matching the biological sex associated with that gender, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics AND/OR 3. socially inhabit that gender, through gender expression or gender performance, or have a desire to socially inhabit that gender

I think that covers pretty much every case I can think of. People who identify as a gender and have the sex characteristics matching that gender are cis people, regardless of their social presentation. People who identify as a gender and have gender dysphoria or who have medically transitioned are the gender they identify as. People who identify as a gender and socially inhabit that gender are also the gender they identify as, and so are people who identify as a gender and would like to socially inhabit that gender but can't due to financial constraints or safety concerns. They're just experiencing trans identity in a different way to medically transitioned people. Gender as a Social Construct Okay, so that's the metaphysics of gender, or at least, an approach to the metaphysics of gender. I want to make it clear that I'm not attached to this theory, and I don't necessarily think I'm right. This is just where I've landed in my thinking right now, and I'm open to hearing other people's opinions and criticisms. In any case, it's very abstract, very philosophical, but maybe not super practical for the other questions you're asking here, and definitely not simple. So why, in my original answer, was I making the claim that "people who identify as girls are girls" is simple, then? I was making that claim because the way we interact with other people isn't metaphysical. It's practical. And practically speaking, all you need to do is acknowledge a person the way they ask to be acknowledged. Does someone say they're a boy named Jack who uses he/him pronouns? Great, call him Jack and use he/him pronouns. Does someone say their name is Sarah and use she/her pronouns? Great, call her Sarah and use she/her pronouns. Does someone say their name is Alex and they use they/them pronouns? Great, call them Alex and use they/them pronouns. Does someone say their name is Cloud and they use ze/zir pronouns? Great, call them Cloud and use ze/zir pronouns. You don't have to understand their relationship with their gender or what their gender means at all. You can even think their gender is "cringe". But you do have to respect the way they view themselves, and acknowledge them how they want to be seen. Think about it this way- if you were at an event and someone had a nametag that said, "Hi! My name is Taylor", but when they introduced themselves, they said, "I know my nametag says Taylor, but actually I go by Riley," what would you do? You'd just... call them Riley, right? You don't need to know why they have the wrong nametag to respect that their nametag is wrong. You probably wouldn't insist on calling them Taylor because that's what the nametag says. You probably wouldn't even ask how they ended up with a nametag that was wrong. Trans people are people, and they deserve respect just like anyone else. That's why this is simple- all you have to do is listen and be respectful, even if you don't understand. Wrapping up, here's my question to you. What is it about trans people that makes you uncomfortable? Think about it honestly, and try not to default to, "it's political correctness run amok! People are offended if you breathe too loudly!" Does it feel like a challenge to your own identity, either your gender identity or your sexuality? Is it a discomfort with society changing? Is it a fear of getting something wrong and offending someone? The vast majority of trans people I've met just want to be acknowledged for who they are. They'll politely correct people who misgender them or accidentally say something transphobic. And the ones who are the most aggressive or militant are the ones who have been hurt the most by a system that won't acknowledge them for who they are. It's a plea to be seen in a world that denies them that visibility. Maybe it isn't trans people that need to become less sensitive, but us who need to become more accepting. Some resources that you might be interested in if you liked this post: The Aesthetic | ContraPoints Social Constructs | Philosophy Tube "Transtrenders" |

ContraPoints Gender Critical | ContraPoints Judith Butler's Theory of Gender Performativity, Explained

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letsoulswander · 4 years ago

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What if you've thought about this for a long time and done lots of self examination and still find that your individual sexuality doesn't include desire for somebody who has a particular set of genitalia or secondary sex characteristics? Like I've really tried. It just leaves me cold, and I know I'm far from alone. Feels weird to be constantly called a bigot for something that is so personal, and that I cannot change 🤷

(I’m assuming this ask is in response to my reblogging this, from @cipheramnesia)

It’s funny that you are asking me this, anon, because I’m both ace and trans- what people have in their pants doesn’t really play much role for me in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve spent a lot of personal time researching sexual attraction, how it works, what it feels like. I’ve asked people to tell me about it and I’ve observed how they interact with it. It’s a feeling I experience very infrequently, if at all, so it’s endlessly fascinating to me.

I’ve also spent a lot of time researching gender identity, dysphoria, euphoria, and the roles they play in peoples’ lives. I’ve spent a lot of time talking to trans people about their experiences as trans people, and I’ve lived my whole life as a trans person.

Given these, I like to think those identities and their overlap gives me a unique perspective to talk about this kind of thing. Please keep in mind that I am not every trans person, every ace person, or every queer person.

Now I’m going to take a page out of Hannah Gadsby’s book, and set your expectations. In other words, here’s a TLDR:

Your sexuality/attraction probably isn’t specifically focused on genitals.

If you’re uncomfortable being called a bigot, ask yourself if you’re behaving like one.

Genitals are gross. People who find them gross still sleep with them, because they’re attracted to the rest of the person.

Even if you specifically have attraction for a specific genital type, you’re probably not going to meet many people genital-first.

“Secondary sex characteristics” that are associated with cis men appear in cis women, and ones that are associated with cis women appear in cis men, naturally.

Your attraction probably has room for things other than the specific look/feel/shape of the genitals of your partner. Consider that any partners you take, or people you feel attraction for, exist outside of any sexual activities you do together (which may or may not involve taking off your pants).

Homework: Examine, please, why you are so focused on genitalia as a deciding factor in your sexuality. It might be the people around you or the people who helped you come out, but it’s important to consider why you think these hypothetical genitals will make or break your potential relationships.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.

To start: I’m sorry that someone has made you think that your sexuality is only specifically about genitals. It really sucks. Correlating genitals to sexuality has been used for a long time to defend anything from “not exposing” children to non-straight/cis content, to denying health care and housing to people “because we don’t want people doing that, here”.

(Because queer and non-cishet identities are all About Sex and the genitals involved, obviously.)

It sounds like you’re bothered by this topic. Maybe it’s just because you are uncomfortable with being called a bigot, or maybe you actually are a bigot. I don’t know you. I’m going to respond as if it’s the first, because I know there are probably a couple people who follow me with similar concerns.

What I do know is, to put it bluntly, the argument that “my sexuality doesn’t allow for this set of genitals/secondary sex characteristics” is one that gets thrown around in a lot of anti-trans rhetoric, and it’s poison. So lets break down why someone might hear you say that, and then think you are a bigot.

Genitals are gross. I’ve asked people who are REALLY INTO GUYS, who have slept with guys, and have been told (by multiple people!) that penises are weird, and not that sexy. I did then ask, of course, “why do you have sex with them then?” The answer I got was because... apparently, they were also attracted to the rest of the guy. Who knew, right?

I’ve also asked people who are REALLY INTO GIRLS, who have slept with girls, and have been told (again, by multiple people) that vulvas are weird, and not that sexy. Their answer to why they have sex with a body part that’s not that sexy? Also attraction to the rest of the girl.

Why do I mention these? Because even people who are REALLY attracted to a specific gender aren’t (generally) all that invested in the genitals of their partners. I don’t know what kind of life you live, anon, but unless you exclusively meet your partners/people you find attractive via cam-girl tapes or porn, chances are you’ve met and been attracted to at least a couple of trans people who have transitioned, people you would never expect to have (insert binary genital type here).

Let’s talk about secondary sex characteristics. You’re familiar with terms like AGAB/AFAB/AMAB? If you’re not, google them (all together so they come up with the correct definitions). I’ll wait.

Okay, now that you know what they mean, let’s use a hypothetical. Imagine a baby girl is born, and the doctor looks and says “it’s a girl!” Everything looks fine. She grows up, gets her period, examines her gender identity and decides that she is cis.

Now, the secondary sex characteristics people tend to expect from cis women after puberty include a moderately high voice, soft skin, rounded facial features. Socially, women are also pressured to remove body hair and have long hair on their heads, and to move in certain ways to be “ladylike” or “sexy” or “demure” or whatever. Also, generally, people associate vulvas with “ability to get pregnant”.

But lots of cis women don’t fit those! Google Indian or Israeli or Arabic women, who are genetically more likely to have thicker and darker facial and body hair. Google PCOS or endometriosis, which can cause deepening voice, increased and darker facial/body hair, fertility issues and pain. Google vaginismus, which makes PIV sex very painful or impossible. There are posture issues and disabilities that make moving fluidly tricky, and disorders (like hyperthyroidism) that make your head hair fall out or thin. These are all secondary sex characteristics.

The issue I take with your dismissal of “certain secondary sex characteristics” is that, well, they’re secondary. Each body responds differently to genetics and environment both. There are cis men with soft skin, sparse body hair, long head hair, men with high voices and more fluid mannerisms and softer facial features, as well. These not indicators that the person in question is Actually Secretly Trans and is out to hoodwink you.

The argument you’ve brought to me seems to be “I don’t like x genital, therefore I couldn’t sleep with/be attracted to someone who is not cis”. I invite you to, instead of wondering about what genitals you are “attracted to”, consider what kind of person you like. Are they funny? Smart? Beautiful? Handsome? A mix of all of those? Do they tell you jokes? Help you with chores? Are they kind to you?

Honestly, anon, I don’t care who you are attracted to or who you sleep with. I’m not telling you that you need to be attracted to people you don’t find attractive.

But I strongly, strongly urge you to consider why the hypothetical genitals of the people around you are so important to you. Maybe you should reconsider whoever you’re hanging out with, who’s asking you these questions, because I doubt they have your best interest at heart, or the best interest of the trans people around you.

We get attacked, around the world, every day because of our genitals. People police us all the time, want us to “man up” or “be ladylike”, either to pass better or to force us to commit to play the role of cis for the rest of our lives. But the cure for this is NOT tapping out the moment trans people - and our genitals - are brought up and complaining that “I just don’t find (insert genital) sexy!”

As Cipher noted (in that post waaay back at the top of this thing), she’s married to someone who doesn’t particularly like penises, but loves her dearly, and Cipher, in turn, also isn’t a fan of her own. I promise you, anon, I promise you, genitals are strange, and love is stranger. Don’t put your attraction on the fulcrum of “what genitals I will sleep with”. (Note: you also don’t have to sleep with whoever you’re into, I promise, take it from an ace person who doesn’t have sex and still has a lovely time with the people I’m into.)

Instead, here’s a little homework: Consider what is attractive to you about the people you like, and try to let go of the idea of what does or doesn’t constitute a man or woman. Including genitals, sure, but also including secondary sex characteristics. Trust me. It’s worth the work.

#Anonymous #asks #improving #under a readmore because I wrote ~1400 words in response #anon I hope this actually helps you. sorry I took three weeks to write it out #I have been VVV busy #and had no wifi for a good bit #transgender #attraction #sexuality

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kissedaconstellation · 10 months ago

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(this is long and rambly but if you're going to read it at all, please for the love of god read the whole thing, i want to make a point + no hate to op im just autistic and i get passionate about little details. this is a fun topic to talk about for me !! :3 )

this post is insane for so many reasons but let me start with this:

to preface - men can be lesbians, obviously. we're all gender abolitionists here, we all know the binary is fake and oppressive. be who you want, identity how you want, fuck whichever consenting adult you'd like. i'll talk about the important stuff in a second.

where i take issue with this post is the idea that Trans men can be lesbians and cis men can't, reason being that they are INHERENTLY different.

op is right in the fact that the binary was not made with trans people in mind. the binary was not made with a LOT of things in mind. women wearing pants? never heard of it. stay at home dads??? what is this, fantasy land?

but the binary was Made. it was socially constructed, a very very very long time ago. it is not inherent; it is very subjective and things change.

in a lot of countries, women wearing pants is more common than them wearing dresses. stay at home dads are becoming more and more socially accepted, and even praised. the binary has shifted.

even the trans experience has not always been one that is out of the binary. so many cultures HAVE made space for trans identities in their gender roles. as an indigenous person, if i existed at the same time as my more distant ancestors, my experience would NOT have been out of the binary, because the binary didn't exist in the same way.

right now, trans people do not fit within the binary. but a lot of them would like to. a lot of trans people choose to be stealth, to present in a binary way, and identity as "binary trans man" or "binary trans woman."

(i hope that, one day, the binary won't exist at all. but it's a process, and before that happens, it will probably include trans people for a little bit. just my prediction. point is -)

the binary isn't Inherent. nothing that is socially constructed is inherent. it will change over time, and it may not exist a thousand years from now. right now, trans people are, categorically, non-binary. but not Inherently.

so who's to say that we are Inherently different? that trans men are inherently different from cis men?because of our bodies? because of literally what's in our pants? you fr have to be joking, that's an INSANE thing to say

i am a trans man who likes women in a gay way. very wlw but he/him. i present VERY feminine. i look like a woman and i get treated as a woman by everyone that i haven't come out to. sometimes, i feel pretty fuckin feminine. i get "omg i look so girl rn ehehehe" gender euphoria a lot.

i do not relate very much to trans men who pass, trans men who get treated as men by the people in their day to day life and live the male social role. we are both trans, but we are VERY different, in very important ways. nothing about us is inherently the same, except for our bodies (even then, im pre- any type of surgery, so our bodies could be VERY different).

i DO, however, relate to a lot of feminine cis men. i came out very young and i immediately went stealth, so i lived the male social role during a very developmentally crucial period of my life. i was kind of forced to live that role, since it was the only way id be accepted for my male identity. if i acted or presented feminine, id be seen as less of a man.

this is an experience that a lot of feminine men have, both trans and cis. it's a non-binary experience that we both share.

i relate to the experience of having to discover your non-traditional femininity and only being able to connect to it as an adult because of queer-phobia. not every trans man does. some cis men do.

i relate to the experience of growing out my hair to feel more like myself, experimenting with hair clips and braids, trying out jewelry. i relate to the experience of being told that i'm not a real man because i enjoy these things. i relate to having to compromise on presenting how i want to and being treated how i deserve. not every trans man does. some cis men do.

and TO BE HONEST !!! i relate to liking women in a gay way. not every trans man does. some cis men might. who's to say they do or do not? who's to say what gay even is, man, it's all socially constructed. it's all language choices, and language/definitions change over time.

and what tf even is gender, if not a vague amalgamation of our experiences, inner identities, outer presentation, and a little bit of god knows what? gender is a lot of things, and none of those things are inherent.

"a trans man identifying as a lesbian is not the same as a cis man identifying as a lesbian" why? because of our bodies? because of our shape? sure as hell isn't anything inherent, because of everything previously stated.

just say you don't like cis people and don't want to relate to them, that's fine, that's totally allowed. but don't pretend it's because there's just something about us that will never allow us to be the same.

TLDR, because this is a long one: cis people can be non-binary. any man can be a lesbian. labels are fake and do what you want + ratio + it's not that deep man

why do you identify with "lesbian" if you say you're a man. A man can't be a lesbian, i don't understand it.

The whole lesbian concept excludes men bc it has nothing to do with men. Lesbian is women loving women, and if you identify as a man, i don't understand how you can identify w the lesbian community as well.

like this isba genuine question, I'd like to listen to your explanation bc im genuinely confused!

trans men, and any trans person really, cannot exist on the same binary cisgender people exist on. the binary was not made with trans people in mind, to be trans and to change your sex (which isnt limited to bottom surgery btw), would be inherently nonbinary, simply because the binary does not accommodate for trans people

beyond that, trans men dont have the same rights privileges and power that a cis man would have. meaning that while a trans man IS a man, he is not a cis man, and thus cannot experience male privilege, or the systemic power that comes with being a cis man

so we can conclude from that two things. one, trans people are inherently nonbinary. while not every trans person identified as nonbinary, the act of transitioning, socially and medically, is an inherently nonbinary act. i personally choose to identify as nonbinary to deal with the distress of people forcing me into the cis man category when i am fundementally different from them. now that we have concluded that the act of transitioning is nonbinary, let me address that: trans men have always been included in lesbianism. the communities are not seperate. the historical definition of lesbian has included gender diverse people as well as women, and trans men are still gender diverse

beyond that; a trans man identifying as a lesbian is not the same as a cis man identifying as a lesbian. the ideas that trans men are men and that trans men are NOT cis men can both be true. trans men who are attracted to women have more societally in common with lesbians (especially genderqueer lesbians) than cishet men. yes, trans men identify as straight all the time. however, if a trans man wants to identify as a lesbian, who are we to deny him? he isnt a cis man, hes not a threat to lesbianism or to the queer community.

faq:

"wouldnt identifying as a lesbian and a trans man be invalidating?"

a: different trans men have different opinions for themselves and their gender. some trans men choose to identify as straight/heterosexual, some trans men choose to identify as lesbians. it just depends on the person, however, if a trans man truly felt invalidated by the lesbian label, he just wouldn't use it. you dont get to assign rules on how a trans man chooses to identify, and you don't know him better than he knows himself

"what IS a lesbian then?"

a: the historical defintion of a lesbian is any gender diverse individual who likes women and/or gender diverse people. however, every lesbian can tell you something different. i know lesbians who only date binary women. i know lesbians who are exclusively t4t. i know lesbians who are femme4butch and date trans men who are butches. someones personal definition of their own lesbianism doesnt invalidate yours, and vice versa

"whats next, a CIS man identifying as a lesbian to cause trouble?"

a: and what if the world was made of pudding? trans men are not cis men, and to believe such is wishful thinking at best, and ultimately distressing to trans people. beyond that, i raise a counterargument of, what if we let trans people use the bathroom of their preferred gender? what would happen if a cis person used the opposite genders bathroom to cause trouble? the fact of the matter is, punishing trans people who are trying to live for the hypothetical cis person doing something wrong is transphobic and also stupid

"evan, i dont WANT to date a male lesbian/lesbian on t! what does this mean for my lesbianism?"

a: absolutely nothing! date who you want! you actually dont have to be attracted to every single person who is a lesbian! i know im not! youre allowed your preferences. i do know for a fact that some lesbians, especially under the trans/genderqueer umbrella are really into trans male lesbians and lesbians on t, but that does NOT mean that you have to be! once again, nobody elses personal definition of lesbianism can invalidate YOUR personal definition of lesbianism. im ALL ABOUT doing what you want!

#it's actually not that deep and none of this matters . i just love talking about gender it's my favorite thing #i have so many of these tangents #ask my girlfriend she's had to listen to them all #queer discourse in the year of our lord 2024 #never thought i'd be here #trans #queer #gender #nonbinary #he him lesbian #politics #gender abolition

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nerdygaymormon · 5 years ago

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Stages in Coming Out

This is a way to think about the process of coming out to oneself and to others.

Not everyone experiences all these steps or not in the same way. And they’re not a straight line, people often take steps forward and then backwards before moving forward again.

Stage I - Growing Awareness

Sees themselves as heterosexual and cisgender (gender conforming) but start recognizing they’re different from other people because of thoughts, emotions, physical reactions, and other experiences.

Probably feel confused and experience turmoil.

If they weren’t before, they become aware of the existence of people with different gender identities or sexual orientations.

They begin to question their identity as straight and cis.

Am I different? Could I be gay? Who am I?

Perhaps they avoid situations that cause them to question their existing identity (”that’s not who I am”).

They could feel uncertain and search for information about trans or sexual identities.

Starts exploring why they feel positively or negatively towards these feelings.

Stage II - Exploration

When a person isn’t denying or rejecting their thoughts & feelings, they begin to come out of the "fog" and accept the possibility of being bi, gay, ace, trans, etc.

They’re coming to terms with the idea of having a minority gender or sexual identity and start thinking about the wider implications.

Maybe I am gay. What are gay people like? Maybe this does apply to me?

They might hold onto their hetero and cis identity even while accepting they experience some lesbian or non-binary feelings (”It’s only temporary” “it’s just this one person who makes me feel this way”).

Could start feeling loss for the things they will give up by embracing their sexual orientation or gender identity and work on passing as straight & cisgender with no intention of revealing their identity.

They may accept these feelings & thoughts are there, but see it as totally unacceptable, and they try to stop any behavior related to these thoughts. If attempts to inhibit behavior regularly fail, the shame they feel about this may lead the individual to attempt suicide.

Stage III - Tolerance

This is where an individual may begin to think “I am probably gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender/etc.”

Their new identity is seen as something to tolerate, not embrace.

This is why many will maintain separate public and private images of who they are.

I accept the possibility that I may be gay. Am I okay? Where are other trans people?

They start to feel separated from their heterosexual or cisgender identity.

May have a sense they don’t quite fit in with other cis/straight people.

They might start seeking info about LGBTQ+ subculture, and wonder if they fit within the culture and the community.

In an attempt to lessen feelings of social alienation (others don’t understand what I’m going through) or loneliness, they seek out people who are part of the subculture (for example, going to their school’s gay-straight alliance club).

Stage IV - Acceptance

They are internalizing their sense of self as a gay, bi, lesbian, ace, trans, non-binary person and accepting themselves.

Now instead of tolerating this identity, they accept it.

They attempt to bring agreement between their private and public view of who they are by selectively coming out to others.

As people accept them, it helps legitimize themselves and they attach positive meaning to their queer identity.

They have more interaction or connection with the LGBTQ+ community.

I am a lesbian. I will be okay. I can come out to some people.

Disclosing sexuality/gender identity only to select individuals who will keep it confidential.

Exploring subculture activities, readings, etc.

Attempts to "fit in" and "not make waves" within the gay or trans community.

They may begin to have a preference to be around others who are LGBTQ+.

They see being identified as LGBTQ+ as fine in private, but not in public. But will start moving towards seeing their identity being publicly known as acceptable. This comes as they accept the potentially negative consequences of being out.

They learn about their internalized "homophobia" or “transphobia” and the consequences it has had on how they view themselves and the negative effects.

Stage V - Pride

Incorporating one's sexual identity into one's overall identity, it’s one aspect of who they are and how they understand themselves.

They see being LGBTQ+ as normal.

Typically they are "out" with friends & family, and at work.

More at peace with themselves and have an appreciation for this part of who they are.

Could feel frustration or anger at occurrences in everyday life when they feel they need to adhere to heterosexual/cisgendered norms.

I am a good person who happens to be gay. I'm happy to let people know who I am. I’m different and proud of it!

Accepting of supportive heterosexual/cisgender individuals.

They explore heterosexism and the role it has in their world and how to combat it.

They have Pride in who they are, in the journey they went through for acceptance and are proud to be a part of the LGBT community.

They’ve internalized positive feelings about their queer identity.

———————————————————————

I’m in a book club with a few LGBTQ people, but mostly it’s parents of LGBTQ kids and the friends of those parents.

Based on their questions, I realized they don’t understand what it’s like to come out. They just know the part where we announce that this is a part of us, they miss all the steps leading up to it. And straight cis people don’t have a similar experience in identifying and accepting their gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s not part of their reality.

As kids, most of us are taught that this is how the world works, boys & girls fall in love and get married and have babies. You’re a boy (or a girl) and that’s how your life will go. We accept it, that’s all we know, but then queer people have a growing dissonance and we have to discover that actually I am different, I don’t fit this story. I have believed this is who I am my whole life but maybe that’s not who I am.

Straight cisgender people just advance to the next step and then the next step of their path without ever having to say, “Wait a minute, there’s something off, I don’t think I fit. Am I broken? Why don’t I have the same feelings as everyone else?”

No wonder a lot of them think it’s a “choice” or that we’re going through a “phase.” From their perspective, we are straight & cis and always have been until the day when, out of the blue, we announce “I need to tell you something, I’m [lesbian, trans, nb, ace, gay, bi, etc].” I suppose to them it could look like we decided on this rather than we went through a long exploratory period to understand ourselves.

#coming out

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forbys · 4 years ago

Note

can you explain why transmeds are bad?

absolutely!

transmeds are very big on sticking to the gender binary- most don’t believe in non-binary identities, and all believe you have to experience dysphoria to be transgender.

this isn’t true for multiple reasons.

Non-Binary identities have always existed. The gender binary as a concept is a western ideal, and while I am not qualified to talk about that further (feel free to add on fellas) it is a good thing to note.

The emphasis on gender dysphoria leads to a lot of toxicity. There’s pressure to feel terrible about your body and yourself. When talking to kids about passing, there’s a lot of advice involving sticking to very strict gender roles and having interests/clothes you really aren’t into. This is harmful to GNC people (obviously) and hurts the purpose of the community in the first place.

Children should not feel pressured to hate themselves.

Nobody should.

Why not dye your hair? Why change yourself for what cis people want? Of course you can do these things if it makes you happy, but hurting yourself because of an outdated social standard will only make things worse.

Finally- you only live once. Everyone only has this life. Why NOT spend if doing what you want? Maybe using fae/faeself makes you happy. What’s the harm in that? Why spend time arguing? It’s their life. Everyone has the right to live their life the way they want, as long as it doesn’t hurt themselves or others (which they aren’t, in this case). Trans resources are NOT limited. While, yes, it can be frustrating if you lose a giveaway to someone who does not suffer the same way you do, that is not them taking resources from you. Transphobes are going to be transphobic. It is not any trans person’s fault, regardless of what they do. Pinning the blame on the victims will only make things worse.

I will not debate on this. I will absolutely explain further, but I refuse to argue.

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infiniteglitterfall · 5 years ago

Text

from the unholy alliance for gender deviants

that's a Facebook account that my partner is apparently following, that transcribed and posted the following Twitter thread by @nightlingbug.

(I do wish it didn't just drop "sex is a spectrum" in there at the end without addressing that most people think of that as being about intersex people, and that that's not the same thing as being trans, and comes with some similar and some really different shit. But my partner's intersex, so I'm going with boosting this for the important body shit.)

Here's the Medium article:

Here's their transcription:

"The understanding of

(a) what constitutes gender dysphoria

(b) how to recognize it

(d) what transitioning entails

(e) what hormones can do

that you absorbed through cultural osmosis?

It's all wrong.

(a-c) my personal experience:

I didn't recognize my perpetual misery and discomfort as gender dysphoria. I'd absorbed the narrative that most transgender people "know" they're transgender from a very young age. I thought that, if I was transgender, I'd have already transitioned.

(a-c) my personal experience:

The longer I'm out of the closet, the more repressed memories, feelings and signs I can add to the jigsaw puzzle.

But I could have passed a polygraph test claiming that I was cis.

How do you learn something you're hiding from yourself out of fear?

(a-c) diagnosis:

Pop culture thinks it understands gender dysphoria-- as an obvious discomfort with your body, and your social gender role.

But you exist in your body 24/7. You learn coping mechanisms, and the misery blends right into the background.

(a-c) diagnosis:

What pop culture (and, honestly, the mental health profession) DOESN'T understand is that gender dysphoria is often comorbid with depersonalization or derealization-- the sensation that you or your experiences are "not real" somehow.

(a-c) diagnosis:

I'm going to link to an article about depersonalization, here, that helped me break out of the line of thinking that transition wouldn't help my mental state. And here's a snippet from that article-- see if anything resonates with you.

Depersonalization in gender dysphoria: widespread and widely unrecognized

I’m going to list some descriptions of certain feelings, and I’d like for any trans or gender-questioning readers to think about whether they’ve felt anything similar to this over the course of…

https://medium.com/@zinniajones/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria-widespread-and-widely-unrecognized-baaac395bcb0

(a-c) diagnosis:

I used to describe myself as having "high functioning depression," because I knew how to socially simulate all of the normal emotions as long as someone was watching, but on my own, my marionette strings went slack. I didn't do or want anything for myself.

Some people figure out that they'd be happier with a different gender, but don't really experience dysphoria. It's not my experience, but I can't think of a single reason they shouldn't transition, too, if they want to, except for cissexism.

Some people have one "aha!" moment, but most of the transfeminine people I've talked to experienced a series of "oh my god what if-- no, it can't be" moments, where they confronted their transness and then rationalized it away.

Some extremely common feelings we all felt alone in:

-the ability to cope with your assigned gender makes you 'not really trans' because a 'real' trans person wouldn't be able to cope

-a lack of motivation to overcome transition hurdles makes you 'not really trans', because a 'real' trans person would be extremely motivated to transition

-just wanting to be a cis person of the other gender, NOT a trans person of the other gender

-guilt over 'minimizing' the suffering of 'real trans people' by even thinking you might be trans

-guilt over 'minimizing' the suffering of women under patriarchy by thinking you'd prefer to be one

-fear of telling anyone you might be trans, or especially of transitioning, and then discovering you're not, and the shame of having to "roll back" the revelation

^^^^^

All of these fears are super normal and common for trans people, keeping them in the closet.

There are a lot of different trans narratives-- some people really do yell "I'm not an X, I'm a Y!" as toddlers and effectively self-advocate somehow?

But I don't think there's much representation for (the majority of?) trans people who took a long time to self-realize.

(d) what transitioning entails

In whatever shitty sitcom you watched in the 90s/00s, when a character transitioned, they did it with a single "sex change operation."

Interviewers always ask trans people: "Have you had ~the surgery~?"

Surgery's often not even involved, gang!

(d) transitioning non-medically

First of all, I know lots of nonbinary people and several binary-trans people who've transitioned without medical intervention. They needed to be socially recognized for who they are, and to present themselves that way, and that's all.

(d) transitioning medically

For transmasculine people, getting a mastectomy (or "top surgery") to remove their breasts is often the central medical intervention involved in transitioning.

But for transfeminine people, just hormones by themselves might be enough!

(d-e) hormones and medical transition

HRT (hormone replacement therapy, swapping out testosterone for estrogen or vice versa) does an *astonishing* amount of the heavy lifting. They're two tiny chemicals that control 99% of what we think of as maleness or femaleness.

(d-e) hormones and medical transition

Hormones can do *so much* that, after being on them for a few years, many trans women find surgery to be unnecessary.

But for those whose dysphoria is still strong, there are THEN surgeries to bring them the rest of the way into alignment.

(d) transitioning medically

But the assumption that you're not "finished" transitioning until you entirely resemble a cis person of your gender is cissexist.

The goal is to escape dysphoria and to be yourself, not to emulate someone else.

There's so much more about transition that's just not understood by anyone who hasn't done it, but everything basically fits under these headings:

-Sex and gender are spectrums

-Trans people are much closer to cis people of their gender on those spectrums than you think

I always struggle with whether or not to write more about sex and HRT in these threads, because I'm an easily embarrassed prude and not a sexpert, but also, everyone shoulda learned this stuff in sex ed...

For tonight, I think that last tweet sums it up, though."

"Copied from the tweets, link below.

~Garnett"

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ted-like-the-talk · 5 years ago

Text

Discourse time (my opinions n stuff that I will fight to defend)

Heccin long text post, sorry...

Gender is innate, it has nothing to do with society, it has nothing to do with gender roles, it is not a choice.

Nobody should medically transition if they do not experience dysphoria. If you want to transition solely because you dislike sexual attention from people, want to go against gender roles, or feel uncomfortable with your physical body because of sexual harassment or assault just don't.

More people should be more critical of the possibility that they may have dysphoria because it could be body dismorphic disorder or another disorder that makes you feel uncomfortable with your body, a disorder that causes you to dissociate, or you could just be gender non conforming.

Don't say you're trans if you don't want to put effort in to pass. I'm not saying that if you look so much like your assigned gender at birth that you cannot pass, don't want to medically transition because of health risks, cannot bind, take hormones, or have surgery because of issues that could put you in danger you should not call yourself trans. If you have a desire to put in effort to pass to make yourself feel comfortable you are trans.

Non-binary people are completely valid as long as they have dysphoria, I personally have dysphoria about not having both sets of genitalia so I know that at least that form of non-binary dysphoria exists. I also believe that non-binary people can have only social dysphoria about being seen as either binary gender.

Otherkinity and therianthropy are valid as heck! The part of your brain that controls your sense of self can get messed up or whatever (there aren't really any studies on it but I do believe that otherkinity can be associated with mental illness that affects your sense of self), you can believe your soul in connected to another entity for spiritual reasons, or you could just use the alternative identity as a form of escapism much like age regression.

Age regression is also incredibly valid :)

Kinks are fine as long as you act upon your urges safely between consenting adults and don't impose them on unwilling people.

Asexuality should be allowed into the LGBT community because they can't control having no sexual attraction and it relates to sexuality.

I don't think demisexuality should be allowed in the LGBT community though because like, a huge amount of people are like that and I'm pretty sure that it is at least somewhat a choice and you don't choose to be in the LGBT community.

Making your disabilities, mental or physical, part of your identity is valid, you don't have to pretend to be like the majority of the population and suppress your disabilities or disorders, you have every right to feel proud of and/or educate others on your disabilities!!

Also, trying to be 'normal' is very valid, I personally don't talk much about my chronic pain, poor hearing, the fact that I'm trans, or my mental disorders with people I'm not very close with because I don't want to feel pitied or different and if others do that as well they're very valid!

Self diagnosis isn't a good thing. If you're too poor to afford insurance or otherwise cannot get diagnosed I believe that you shouldn't claim that you have a disorder that you may not have and should instead talk about the symptoms on their own or specifically state, when talking about your mental illness, that is self diagnosed and you do not for sure have that disorder.

Asking people's pronouns can cause dysphoria for some people and I believe you should call them by the pronouns associated with the gender they look most like and let them correct you. I know some people may be too shy or anxious to correct you but if they look uncomfortable with the pronouns you call them you can ask "Do you not go by those pronouns?"

Being gnc or occasionally cross-dressing as a hobby is super valid whether you're trans or not, you don't have to conform completely to the gender you are in your head.

Conforming to your gender is also valid as long as you are being civil and not prejudiced or bigoted towards others for not conforming to gender roles.

I believe that being overweight is not necessarily a choice, many people have slower metabolisms, higher appetites, or thyroid conditions where they need to put a lot of extra effort into staying thin than other people and body positivity is very important but I believe that being within an average weight is healthiest and if you are unhealthily overweight you should put more effort into staying thin even though it is very hard.

There is nothing wrong with having preferences for gender, sex, or appearance as long as you're not a dick about it. People are allowed to be attracted to only be attracted to one type of genitalia, the pheromones produced by the sex they are attracted to, the way the gender they are attracted to behaves, the secondary sex characteristics of the gender they prefer, or only be attracted to the looks they find attractive.

Being in the LGBT community should be normalized but not glorified. Being bi or homosexual is not better than being heterosexual; being trans is not better than being cis. I don't think cishets should have as much of a say as members of the LGBT community on the rights of those is the LGBT community but being a majority should not be demonized. It is absolutely fine to be born with the gender or sexuality that is most common. Nobody should be considered less of a human being for something they can't control.

Cis people should also be able to be proud of being the gender they are. I think it's totally fair to take pride in being a man just for being a man, or think that girls are awesome and powerful and you're glad to be one. Pride shouldn't be exclusive to the LGBT community.

Straight pride is also valid as long as you don't think bi and homosexuals are less than you. Yes, you didn't face oppression but anyone should be allowed to be proud of what they were born with as long as they don't think other people are worth less. It's like taking pride in your physical strength yet also acknowledging that your friend who is not athletic but is smart should be proud of who they are as well and is just as good as you. Maybe that was a bad analogy but you get what I'm saying, right?

I also think that having popular interests or hobbies isn't a bad thing, it's completely fine to conform to what everyone else is doing, things are popular because they are generally appealing and it's fine to be 'basic.'

Having weird or niche interests or hobbies is just as valid as having popular ones, as long as you enjoy something that doesn't harm others and is not done in an explicit attempt to harm yourself. (Doing dangerous activities like skydiving, surfing, or rock climbing without the explicit intention of harming yourself is fine.)

Ehhhh.... Another long text post cause my mind races like a hundred miles a minute and I need to put my thoughts out of my head and share them with people.

Also if you agree or disagree with any of these statements just refer to the paragraph number to make things easy; like "I disagree with 5 because..."

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a-new-lesbian-flag-blog · 6 years ago

Text

It’s Lesbian Visibility Day– Lesbians Deserve An Inclusive, Easily Reproduced, and Symbolic Flag to Stand Under!

Oh boy, yet another flag proposal... What’s wrong with the flags that already exist, anyway??

No decently circulated lesbian flag currently meets all of the standards that must be met to make a pride flag great– a pride flag design needs to be inclusive, easily reproduced, and symbolic to be able to become a widespread, representative icon of a community!

What’s wrong with the labrys design?

The labrys design was created in 1999 by a gay man. Having a lesbian flag that wasn’t even created by a lesbian is a glaring issue by itself, but a second reason many lesbians have rejected this flag is because of its association with TERFs, which stand for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists, a group of people that do not believe trans people are the gender they identify as, and wish to exclude trans people, especially trans women, from the LGBT community and feminist movements.

What’s wrong with the seven striped pink flag design?

This flag design is made almost entirely out of very specific shades of pink. These shades are extremely hard to translate into physical dyes, fabrics, and other materials used to create pride designs, causing the flag to be inaccessible to many people. Also, the flag was originally intended to be representative only of lipstick lesbians– many lesbians do not identify with this flag because of the very feminine design as many lesbians do not subscribe to traditional feminine roles and presentation. Also, the creator of this flag has made many racist, butchphobic, and biphobic comments on her personal blog, which is yet another reason why an increasingly large portion of the lesbian community has rejected this flag.

What about this flag with the orange on top and pink at the bottom?

I really appreciate this flag for its goal to step away from the exclusive femininity of the ‘lipstick lesbian’ flag and incorporate some deeper symbolism into the design. But there are still some issues with it that remain– one of which is that it does not fix the issue of accessibility/ease of reproduction. The shades of orange and pink are still extremely similar to each other which again, makes it very hard to replicate with dyes/fabrics/other materials. Not even the five-striped variation of the flag fixes this, as the shades of orange and pink are still very specific and are still two different shades of the same color. A pride flag needs to be able to be replicated with limited material options in order for it to be fully accessible and become widespread in the community and beyond. There is also the issue that the two-tone design of the flag is mainly meant to represent butches/femmes. Butch and femme culture is absolutely an extremely important and historical aspect of the lesbian community– but it is not everything the community encompasses. There are many lesbians that do not identify with butch/femme, and this flag leaves those people out.

What about any other design already out there?

This is not meant to be a bash on any individuals that have taken the initiative and courage to propose their own designs to the community– the community-wide effort to design a new lesbian flag is what inspired my own! But no proposed flag I’ve ever seen out there has met all three criteria that is needed to make a pride flag successful and widespread, and those are again, inclusivity, ease of reproduction, and symbolism.

Okay, what’s this new flag look like?

Many things were considered in the design process of this flag.

It could not be overly feminine (no major focus on pink, no pastel shades)

It needed to be easily reproduced (no multiple shades of colors, no obscure colors, no complex symbols)

It needed to incorporate historical and cultural symbolism in every design element (more on that later)

It would not focus solely on one aspect of the lesbian community (not just on femininity, not just on butch/femme, et cetera.)

What do the stripes symbolize?

Red, embodying passion and bravery– our loud voices and larger-than-life legacies, our bullheadedness and righteousness, our anger and joy and liveliness that is infused in every facet of the lesbian community, and every soul that calls themselves a part of it.

Orange for integrity and hearth; our wholeness despite the notion that a woman's life is incomplete without a man, as well as the home and sense of belonging we find in our identity and community. It is rejecting the notion that lesbians are cold, harsh, and untrustworthy. This stereotype is especially aimed at butch/masculine presenting lesbians, which is why the stripe also represents butches.

White symbolizes our inherent rejection of dichotomy in multiple senses of the word. Lesbians are not tied to the patriarchal and heteronormative standard of male versus female in our relationships, lifestyles, or identities. We reject traditional standards of both masculinity and femininity to instead establish our own unique methods of presentation and identity that cannot be tied to a binary norm. It also rejects the notion that lesbian love is automatically dirtier and more lustful than heterosexual love. It is not a coincidence that the purity stripe also represents trans and nonbinary lesbians– this is rejecting the notion that the lesbianism of trans and nonbinary individuals is somehow invalid, lesser or diluted compared to the lesbianism of a cis woman. In the current political climate surrounding many lesbian circles today, I found it more necessary than ever to impress the fact that trans and nonbinary lesbians are just as representative of the lesbian community as cis lesbians, and their inclusion is critical in honoring and acknowledging the community at large.

Purple, the color of violets and lavender, for our history: our lesbian predecessors who dedicated their lives in making the achievements of today possible, our traditions and symbols that have been passed on, redefined, and expressed through every new generation. The purple stripe acknowledges the contributors to lesbian achievement of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Black– resilience and certainty, grounding our identities and community in the foundation of knowing we are exactly where we are meant to be in life, and that our identities are an inherent, permanent, and powerful facet of who we are as human beings. It rejects the notion that lesbians are confused or unstable in their identity, or that they are wrong or broken for not loving men. It also rejects the notion that a “gay lifestyle” is inherently unstable or unsustainable– lesbians are just as capable of marrying, settling, and living comfortably and happily as a straight person is.

I really like this flag! What can I do to support it?

Spread it any way you can!

Reblog this post! Non-lesbians are absolutely welcome to– in order to make a pride flag universally known, it has to be seen by *all* members of the community!

Make the flag your profile picture! (I will make free edits of the flag with any character/icon/other pride flag upon request! Just send an ask! Examples of edits I’ve done previously will be posted on this blog soon!)

Go to the twitter and instagram for the flag!

Like/retweet/repost the flag on your accounts!

Make irl pride art and show it off!

Tell your friends!

I hereby release this design of a new lesbian flag into the public domain. Anyone may reproduce, distribute, or use the flag design, including selling merchandise for profit! The last thing I want to happen is for the circulation of this flag to end up entirely based on one social media platform or occur strictly online. I intend for this flag to be able to be displayed and flown in online and real life spaces alike, by lesbians of all different backgrounds, experiences, cultures, locations, and ages.

Finally, there is a website that goes even further into describing the design process behind the flag and the symbolism incorporated into it! All the information about the flag has been included on this website so all anyone needs to do to help spread the word is share this link!!!

❤️❤️❤️ Lesbians deserve a flag that represents *all* of us and can be spread to be seen by the entire community! I need YOUR help in making this flag known! Thank you so much for your time in reading and your support! ❤️❤️❤️

#lesbian day of visibility #ldov #lesbiansafe #lesbian visibility day #lesbian flag #lesbian flag discourse #flagcourse #lgbtq #lesbian pride #anewlesbianflag

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the-sacred-now · 6 years ago

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Sounding out views on LGBTQA+ness in...

Yaa: Mostly treated like a weird fetish. No violence about it, but talk of it outside of LBG communities would definitely be met with amusement and used to squick people. Trans people would be met with “oh like the Yinerny?” because Yaa doesn’t have its own social construct to meet that, negative or positive. In fact, their words for trans people would probably translate to “a Yinerny man” regardless of assigned gender or gender identity. Aces would be the most unfathomable thing to Yaa culture, where life is very much considered to be about power and pleasure--and both are considered inextricably sexual.

Tribes of Yinerny: As implied, they aren’t big on gender, let alone a binary... except when it comes to having sex. Namely, they don’t consider any sexual relations outside of penis-vagina penetration to be “real sex.” Perfectly acceptable, but not sex, just pleasure-seeking. (This includes, but is not limited to, gay sex.) Traditional family units are expected to be comprised of a penis-haver and a vagina-haver, who, without question of gender, are expected to make babies, and they are expected not to have “real sex” outside of that construct. However, “pleasure-seeking” outside of the relationship is not considered taboo. Non-traditional family units and a lack of family unit are socially permitted. Given that, aces and aros wouldn’t find themselves under very much pressure to conform, though they wouldn’t likely be particularly understood.

They don’t concern themselves with gender expression, so much, as role expression. Their identities are hunter, soldier, leader, agriculturalist, merchant, craftsman, cook, oral artist, visual artist, pleasure expert, scholar, subsets of everything listed, and more, though those are the big ones. None of it is considered mutually exclusive, though it would be very much frowned upon to express a role you don’t hold.

The Great Graves: The mass of tiny mountain nations are a bit of an ethnic sliding scale between the Yaa and the Yinerny. If there is an independent mountain attitude that seeps up and inserts itself into either worldview, it probably boils down to “If you deviate from the local norm, we’ll beat you up. But if you can give as good as you get, well, that’s pretty cool, wanna hang out?” And deviants (of any stripe, not just gender or orientation,) that made it “in” would likely thenceforth be defended by whoever had previously come at them.

Kapatak Union: A continent of many countries will have many cultures and views, but with their trade union making travel relatively easy and safe, the cultural cross-pollination has been going on so long I feel I can safely divide this into two subcategories...

Inland and Eastern Kapatak: Kapatak is very big on traditional family values, which to them means SETTLE DOWN AND HAVE AS MANY KIDS AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY FEED AND LOVE THEM ALL YAY. They welcome The Gays with open arms, so long as they’ll follow these simple societal rules... 1, look for a partner to settle down with! 2, that done, adopt as many kiddos as possible! Kapatak assumes this is the reason homosexuality and barrenness exist--nature’s provision for orphans. Bi people will confuse them. (What? Wait. Are you a baby-maker or not? If you can make your own babies, you should, it’s great!) Aces and aros probably won’t will be overlooked, and the sex-repulsed of any stripe will be met with the same horrified pity given to the infertile.

(Views on polyamory, cheating, and open relationships differ too much from country to country to explore here. Some countries/regions hold hetero and homosexual family units to the same standard, some don’t.)

Anyone who does not want to have kids... had better be poor enough to justify it in the eyes of public opinion, or else suffer the >:( of the people. Big yikes.

Trans people and the very concept of non-binaryness would tend to boggle them, but as long as the trans person in question was willing to make or take babies, there would be no ill will. Within the (extensive, mage-filled) scientific community of Kapatak, there is study on intersex biology, and the question has arisen of whether to be trans is in fact to be spiritually intersex.

Western Coastal and Island Kapatak: A lot of the above holds, but ideas and blood from Yaa and Yinerny would have met them in the harbors. And ideas, if not blood, from Juwan.

Mynora: Very... categorical, if not quite binary. Quaternion, actually--cis male, trans male, cis female, and trans female are your social options. They’re fairly egalitarian between the four categories, but enbies are out of luck. Gayness is considered an imbalance of power. Like, the way they see it, cis male-female relations and trans male-female relations are standard. Has to do with the way they see sex and romance as an expression of power from both sides--the meeting of equal and opposite forces. So they would see homosexuality as a, a spiritual mismatch. People in same-sex relationships would be very harried about their love lives, regularly under siege by Concerned Friends and Relatives, but physically safe. Not considered gross, or even wrong per say, but worryingly unbalanced. Anything that went wrong in their lives would be blamed on this unbalance. >_>

Interestingly, this is the only society outside of Juwan that has a word and a social place for aro-aces. The term is “saving themselves for battle,” with the concept being that they must have sexual and romantic energy, and if it’s not being thus expressed sexually and romantically, their spirits must be bottling it for another use. The battle-sworn don’t need to express themselves in battle, per say--but they probably will. (Sex and romance are too intertwined, to them, to consider non-aro aces and non-ace aros, alack. By the same token, casual hookups or cheating = Very Taboo.)

After 200 years of violently oppressive serfdom and borderline genocide under the Kapatak, however, many concepts unique to the Mynore’s culture have been lost or near-lost, however.

Juwan: I know the least about the Juwan, who, like the Kapatak, have a continent of multiple nations. Unlike the Kapatak, they are not as united on many things. But I do know that as a (fantasy) race (morphologically, spiritually, and essentially human), they are the most androgynous people in my world, which makes it feel somewhat ironic to me that many of their cultures seem to hold more strongly to distinct gender roles than most of the other cultures--although they do have a “third gender” role into which trans, gender nonconforming, and intersex people of all varieties are thrown indiscriminately together.

Asexuality is both more common and more recognized, and they are culturally aromantic to the point that romantics would be the ones that required a label. Hetero, homo, and bisexuality don’t have any especial judgement passed upon them, so long as everyone involved keeps inside one of the 3 gender roles. One thing common to all Juwan cultures seems to be the idea that anything worth doing is worth becoming absolutely excellent at, so they direct their sex-judgey energy to the question of “are they a good lay?”

There’s a lot more to discover, and probably some things to correct, but that’s what I know about that. Why does my first batch of stories have to be set in the Great Graves and Yaa?? Bleh. It is, for geo-political plot reasons, what it is.

#long text post #am writing #worldbuilding #please ask questions if you have any #it will force me to find the answers #cultural side-by-side

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 6 years ago

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(1/?) I'm afab and really confused abt my gender. Calling myself a woman doesn't feel right for me but calling myself a girl is totally ok. I have a feminine body (curvy but not fat) and long hair and I'm mostly fine with that but I'm super dysphoric abt having ovaries. I've always felt like this and I've known all my life that I would never want to be pregnant. I used to have really bad confidence but it got better after I lost a lot of weight. I started questioning my gender at age 13 but

(2/?) I dropped it when I started feeling better about myself and bc I didn't think it would be possible to pass as anything but female no matter what I did due to my body shape. I'm 15 now and I've discovered that I have trouble dating bc I'd prefer "the mans role" in the relationship no matter the gender of my partner which has made me doubt that any of my relationships (especially with guys) will work out and it's doesn't help that my reproductive organs feel wrong. I talked to one of my

(3/4)cis-female friends and I said that if it wasn't implausible and seen as abnormal I'd honestly be fine with my current body just with male reproductive organs and she said she'd hate that. A lot of the ways my cis-female friends describe their sexuality just doesn't apply to me at all and it really scares me bc I know that I couldn't transition even if I rly wanted to and I'm worried I'll do something I'll regret. It still makes me really sad to think abt how

(4/4) I still have to live the rest of my life with a body that's just 75% correct. I want to get sterilized when I'm older cuz I feel like it'd help w dysphoria but I'm still worried I'll have to repress my identity. Can you identify as non-binary even if you look like a cis-girl? How do I know if I'd feel better presenting as male? Is it abnormal to feel like this abt yourself? (sorry for the rly long ask btw)

There’s a lot on here so I’m trying to get through it bit by bit.

“I've discovered that I have trouble dating bc I'd prefer "the mans role" in the relationship no matter the gender of my partner which has made me doubt that any of my relationships (especially with guys) will work out”We’ve got a couple of asks in the past of people not knowing with “role” they should take in same-gender relationships and I think some of my advice from there also applies to you which is: try to unlearn the idea that there’s such a thing as “roles” in relationships. I know it’s hard and society’s been telling you this for the past 15 years but in a healthy relationship you should treat each other as equals and not resort to gender roles. Ideally you and your future partner(s) will be on the same page about this but to be sure these are the kinds of things you’d talk about before the relationship even properly starts.

“I talked to one of my cis-female friends [...] A lot of the ways my cis-female friends describe their sexuality just doesn't apply to me at all”I think it’s really good that you talk to your friends about this and it can definitly help you to separate your experiences from those of people who are certain about being cis. No matter what gender you’ll end up being it can help to talk to people of all sorts of genders, trans people, cis people, non-binary people... read and hear a bunch of different experiences and see if there’s something you can relate to.

“Can you identify as non-binary even if you look like a cis-girl?”Yes, definitly. Non-binary is not the same thing as androgyny. Some nb people dress and present in an androgynous or gender neutral way but not all of them do. Appearance and gender are not the same thing; gender is so much more than just looks. Think of it this way: I’m a cis woman with short hair. I could put on a suit and dress entirely in masculine-coded clothes but underneath all that I’d still be a woman because that’s how I feel. Putting on “men’s clothes” wouldn’t suddenly make me a man because I don’t feel like a man. So for you to look like a person that most people read as a woman/girl doesn’t mean that woman/girl is what you have to be. You can be everything you want.

“How do I know if I'd feel better presenting as male?”You just gotta try it. Honestly. You can theorise about it all you want but you’ll probably get a lot more certainty from trying it out. If it’s possible to you now (or at least when you’re older) you could cut your hair short - worst that can happen is that you don’t like it and it’ll take some time to grow it out again. Maybe you can try on some clothes from the men’s section at a clothes shop. It might feel weird and you might take some time to get used to the view in the mirror. Maybe it feels totally wrong - then at least you can cross that off your list. It could also feel super awesome. If you have a friend that you trust they could help you with all of this.

“Is it abnormal to feel like this abt yourself?”No it’s not. Though there are hateful people who will use the word “abnormal” to describe non-binary genders but those aren’t the ones you should give a fuck about. “Abnormal” has a very negative connotation to it; I prefer something like “uncommon”. But non-binary people very much exist so they are normal. They just might be uncommon though honestly we don’t really know just how many people would truly be non-binary if it were more socially accepted. That’s why we need to work on creating an environment in which people can choose freely which gender (if any) feels right for them. There’s non-western societies that have or had (until white people killed it) a completely different understanding of gender. So try not to fall for an arbitrary categorisation of what’s “normal” because more often than not this is used as an oppressive tool against people who dare to deviate from “the norm”.

Maddie

#Anonymous

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feministlikeme · 7 years ago

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1. Before explaining something to a woman, ask yourself if she might already understand. She may know more about it than you do.

2. Related: Never, ever try to explain feminism to a woman.

3. Trans women are women. Repeat that until you perish.

4. RESPECT PEOPLE’S PRONOUNS. It’s not hard.

5. Remember that fat women exist and aren’t all trying to get thin. Treat them with respect.

6. In fact, just never comment on a woman's body.

7. Be kind to women in customer service positions. Tip them extra. (But not in a creepy way.)

8. Trust women. When they teach you something, don't feel the need to go and check for yourself. And especially do not Google it in front of them.

9. Don’t maintain a double standard for… anything, ever.

10. CLOSE YOUR LEGS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, OH MY GOD.

11. Trying to describe a woman positively? Say she's “talented,” “clever,” or “funny.” Not “gorgeous,” “sweet,” or “cute.”

12. Examine your language when talking about women. Get rid of “irrational,” “dramatic,” “bossy,” and “badgering” immediately.

13. Don't think to yourself, I describe men like that too. A) You probably don't. B) If you do, it's to criticize them for acting like a woman.

14. Do you love “fiery” Latina women? “Strong” Black women? “Mysterious” Asian women? Stop. Pick up a book on decolonial feminism. Read.

15. Stop calling women “feisty.” We don't need a special lady word for “has an opinion."

16. Recognize women's credibility when you introduce them. “Donna is lovely” is much less useful than “Donna knows shitloads about architecture.”

17. Think about how you describe the young women in your family. Celebrate them for being funny and smart, not for being pretty and compliant.

18. Examine the way you talk about women you’re attracted to. Fat women, old women, queer, trans, and powerful women are not your “guilty crush.”

19. Learn to praise a woman without demonizing other women. “You're not like other girls” is not a compliment. I want to be like other girls. Other girls are awesome.

20. Share writing by women. Don't paraphrase their work in your own Facebook post to show us all how smart or woke you are. I guarantee the woman said it better in the first place.

21. Buy sanitary pads and tampons and donate them to a homeless shelter. Just do it.

22. How much of what you are watching/reading/listening to was made by women? Gender balance your bookcase.

23. Feeling proud of your balanced bookcase? Are there women of color there? Trans, queer, and disabled women? Poor women? Always make sure you’re being intersectional.

24. Don't buy media that demeans women’s experiences, valorizes violence against women, or excludes them entirely from a cast. It's not enough to oppose those things. You have to actively make them unmarketable.

25. Pay attention to stories with nuanced female characters. It will be interesting, I promise.

26. If you read stories to a child, swap the genders.

27. Watch women's sport. And just call it “sports.”

28. Withdraw your support from sports clubs, institutions, and companies that protect and employ rapists and abusers.

29. Stop raving about Woody Allen. I don't care if he shits gold. Find a non-accused-abuser to fanboy over.

30. It's General Leia, not princess. The Doctor has a companion, not an assistant. It's Doctor Bartlett, not Mrs Madame First Lady.

31. Cast women in parts written for men. We know how to rule kingdoms, go to war, be, not be, and wait for Godot.

32. Pay for porn.

33. Recognize that sex work is work. Be an advocate for and ally to sex workers without speaking for them.

34. Share political hot takes from women as well as men. They might not be as widely accessible, so look for them.

35. Understand that it was never “about ethics in journalism.”

36. Speak less in meetings today to make space for your women colleagues to share their thoughts. If you're leading the meeting, make sure women are being heard as much as men.

37. If a woman makes a good point, say, “That was a good point.” Don't repeat her point and take credit for it.

38. Promote women. Their leadership styles may be different than yours. That's probably a good thing.

39. Recruit women on the same salary as men. Even if they don't ask for it.

40. Open doors for women with caring responsibilities by offering flexible employment contracts.

41. If you meet a man and a woman at work, do not assume the man is the superior for literally no reason.

42. If you're wrongly assumed to be more experienced than a woman colleague, correct that person and pass the platform to the woman who knows more.

43. Make a round of tea for the office.

44. Wash it up.

45. If you find you're only interviewing men for a role, rewrite the job listing so that it’s more welcoming to women.

46. Make sure you have women on your interview panel.

47. Tell female colleagues what your salary is.

48. Make sure there's childcare at your events.

49. Don't schedule breakfast meetings during the school run.

50. If you manage a team, make sure that your employees know that you recognize period pain and cystitis as legitimate reasons for a sick day.

51. If you have a strict boss (or mom or teacher) who is a woman, she is not a “bitch.” Grow up.

52. Expect a woman to do the stuff that's in her job description. Not the other miscellaneous shit you don't know how to do yourself.

53. Refuse to speak on an all-male panel.

54. In a Q&A session, only put your hand up if you have A QUESTION. Others didn’t attend to listen to you.

55. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against trans or non-binary people, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for cis women, too.)

56. If you have friends or family members who use slurs or discriminate against women of other races, sit them down and explain why they must stop. (This goes for white women, too.)

57. If you see women with their hands up, put yours down. This can be taken as a metaphor for a lot of things. Think about it.

58. Raising a feminist daughter means she's going to disagree with you. And probably be right. Feel proud, not threatened.

59. Teach your sons to listen to girls, give them space, believe them, and elevate them.

60. Dads, buy your daughter tampons, make her hot water bottles, wash her bras. Show her that her body isn't something to be ashamed of.

61. But dads, do not try to iron her bras. This is a mistake you will only make once.

62. Examine how domestic labor is divided in your home. Who does the cleaning, the childcare, the organizing, the meal budgeting? Sons, this goes for you, too.

63. Learn how to do domestic tasks to a high standard. “I'd only do it wrong” is a bullshit excuse.

64. Never again comment on how long it takes a woman to get ready. WE ARE TRYING TO MEET THE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS OF A SYSTEM YOU BENEFIT FROM.

65. Challenge the patriarchs in your religious group when they enable the oppression of women.

66. Challenge the patriarchs in your secular movement when they enable the oppression of women.

67. Trust women's religious choices. Don't pretend to liberate them just so you can criticise their beliefs.

68. Examine who books your trips, arranges outings, organizes Christmas, buys birthday cards. Is it a woman? IS IT?

69. And if it is actually you, a man, don't even dare get in touch with me looking for your medal.

70. Take stock of the emotional labor you expect from women. Do you turn to the women around you for emotional support and give nothing in return?

71. Remember that loving your mom/sister/girlfriend is not the same as giving up your own privilege to progress equality for women. And that gender inequality extends beyond the women in your direct social group.

72. Don’t assume that all women are attracted to men.

73. Don’t assume that a woman in public wants to talk to you just because she’s in public.

74. If a woman tells you she was raped, assaulted, or abused, don't ask her for proof. Ask how you can support her.

75. If you see a friend or colleague being inappropriate to a woman, call him out. You will survive the awkwardness, I promise.

76. Repeat after me: Always. Hold. Men. Accountable. For. Their. Actions.

77. Do not walk too close to a woman late at night. That shit can be scary.

78. If you see a woman being followed or otherwise bothered by a stranger, stick around to make sure she’s safe.

79. This should go without saying: Do not yell unsolicited “compliments” at women on the street. Or anywhere.

80. If you are a queer man, recognize that your sexuality doesn’t exclude you from potential misogyny.

81. If you are a queer man, recognize that your queer women or non-binary friends may not feel comfortable in a male-dominated space, even if it’s dominated by queer men.

82. Be happy to have women friends without needing them to want to sleep with you. The “friend zone” is not a thing. We do not owe you sex.

83. Remember that you can lack consent in situations not involving sex—such as when pursuing uninterested women or forcing a hug on a colleague.

84. Champion sex positive women but don't expect them to have sex with you.

85. Trust a woman to know her own body. If she says she won't enjoy part of your sexual repertoire, do not try to convince her otherwise.

86. Be sensitive to nonverbal cues from women, especially around sex. We’re not just being awkward for no reason. (You read “Cat Person,” didn’t you?)

87. It is not cute to try to persuade a woman to have sex with you. EVER. AT ALL. Go home.

88. Same goes for pressuring women to have sex without a condom. Go. Home. And masturbate.

89. Accidentally impregnated a women who doesn't want a kid? Abortions cost money. Pay for half of it.

90. Accidentally came inside a woman without protection? Plan B is expensive. Pay for all of it.

91. Get STD tested. Regularly. Without having to be asked.

92. Examine your opinion on abortion. Then put it in a box. Because, honestly, it's completely irrelevant.

93. Understand that disabled women are whole, sexual human beings. Listen to and respect them.

94. Understand that not all women have periods or vaginas.

95. Believe women's pain. Periods hurt. Endometriosis is real. Polycystic ovaries, vaginal pain, cystitis. These things are real. Hysteria isn’t.

96. If a woman accidentally bleeds on you, try your absolute best to just keep your shit together.

97. Lobby your elected officials to implement high quality sex education in schools.

98. Uplift young Black and Indigenous girls at every possible opportunity. No excuses.

99. Do not ever assume you know what it’s like.

100. Mainly, just listen to women. Listen to us and believe us. It’s the only place to start if you actually want all women to have a “Happy International Women’s Day.”

#feminism #sexism #misogyny #patriarchy #equality #truth #rape culture #trans #lgbtqia #girl hate

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jameseros-blog · 6 years ago

Text

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

#ftm #transmeds #truscum #dysphoric

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