#there are so many different ways to tag this shit i am going to boil someone

[bluescreenoflife293]

Trying to figure out how I want to draw their silly ass

[blue-eli]

Ink October day twenty-nine: Wilder

To bewilder; to perplex.

Comparative form of wild: more wild.

[thatacotargirl]

Shadows and Surprises (7)

Part 7 of Azriel x Reader fanfic! Sorry for the delay!

Summary: Azriel meets y/n at Rita's and spends a single night of passion with you before heading your separate ways. Only, the Mother had different ideas.

Warnings: none.

Tag list - @nickishadow139 @dee-writes-smut @minnieoo @st4r-girl-official

@courtofjurdan @mirandasidefics @lilah-asteria @nyxbranwenn @impossibelle

@mybestfriendmademe @hauntedstudentobservationus @julesofvolterra @acourtofbatboydreams @rogersbarnesxx

@skylarkalchemist @sidthedollface2 @aehllitas-blog @fullmoon-94 @acourtofbatboydreams

@aehllitas-blog @fullmoon-94 @5onedirection5 @mindofthescattered @rcarbo1

@dumblani

Y/N's POV

"And hook the right arm a little, no, I mean like thi-, no wait that's not, y/n, hold your, yes ok now we're getting somewhere".

Absolutely nothing that Cassian just said to you made sense. But, he said you're getting somewhere, and he's the expert after all.

You throw your arm around in a right hook, attempting to catch Cassian in the jaw, but he blocks you and brings his clenched fist up to your throat. He, naturally, stops short and doesn't actually touch you, only showing you where your weak spots are when you throw the first punch in a fight, but it was enough to feel Azriel's wrath seeping across the training ring.

"That's enough, Cassian", he calls out, standing to approach you both in the centre of the ring.

"What?! I'm fine Az, I'm not even tired" you protest, attempting to throw another hook at Cassian whilst he is distracted, which he again blocks - only without even looking at you. How does he do that?

"Az, brother, you need to relax. If y/n needs to stop, she will tell me - she did the other day and we stopped straight away. I promise", Cassian reassures Azriel, but you see his eyes darken.

"Why did you need to stop the other day? You didn't tell me that? Were you hurt?".

You let out a frustrated gruff and start to walk away towards the stairs that lead back down to the house. You are almost 7 months into your pregnancy now, and Azriel is only getting more protective and overbearing by the day. Just this morning he wouldn't even let you put your own socks on so you didn't bend down and 'squash the baby'. As you descend the stairs, you see a tuft of golden hair fly past and run into a nearby room, slamming a door. Peering in the direction the tuft of hair came from, you see Rhysand staring ahead blankly.

"Should I ask?".

Rhys just shakes his head to you and wanders off in the other direction. Looking at the door that had just slammed, you walk over and knock quietly.

"Fey?", you call out, resting your ear against the door. No answer.

"Feyre?", you try again. No answer.

"I'm coming in, Fey", you say as you push open the door to one of the many spare bedrooms. When you poke your head in, you see Feyre curled in a ball on the bed, sobs racking her body. You walk over and perch on the edge, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"What happened?", you ask quietly, rubbing soothing circles along her shoulder and back. She stayed quiet, sobbing into the pillow, so you stay silent too, keeping up the gentle circles until you feel her body still underneath you. Thinking she's asleep, you go to stand, but you hear a soft sniff and Feyre looks up at you.

"I kissed him".

"Kissed who? Rhys?"

Feyre just nods, hiding her face back in the pillow, but at least this time it isn't accompanied by tears.

"What's the problem with that, Fey?"

"I'm in love with Tamlin!"

Who the fuck is Tamlin?

"He's the High Lord of Spring", Feyre whispers.

Ah shit, I said that out loud.

"Yes, you did".

SHIT. It must be the pregnancy brain.

Silence follows.

Right ok, I didn't say that out loud then.

"No, you didn't".

Cauldron boil me now.

"I am with Tamlin, I am to marry Tamlin, look", Feyre holds up her hand showing a huge emerald rock on her finger. There is no mistaking that she is a soon-to-be bride.

"Was it a mistake?"

"Yes", she says quickly. Then pauses. "Maybe?"

"Maybe?"

"Well I wanted to kiss him in that moment. But maybe it's some kind of survivor's guilt thing, Rhys saved me under the mountain and so I owed him a thank you?"

"Maybe Fey, but you don't need to beat yourself up over it. If it was a mistake, it was a mistake. Rhysand will not hold that against you, he's a good male".

"I know", she whispers. After a short pause, she adds "but if it was a mistake, why do I want to do it again?".

You have no answer, so you simply go back to rubbing her back, hoping it is offering her at least some comfort. Your situation was a difficult one, but at least you and Azriel were on the same page. Although, thinking about that, were you? You hadn't discussed the future nor the circumstances of your relationship. Would Azriel see other people? Would you move out when the baby was born and co-parent? You hadn't admitted your feelings to Azriel, certain that he didn't return them, but you hadn't stopped to think about how difficult it would be to watch him start a life with another female one day. A knot forms in your chest as you realise how uncertain your own circumstances are, and you have absolutely no advice to offer Feyre because, if you did, perhaps you'd take that for your own.

You look down and see that Feyre had, in fact, cried herself to sleep. Standing gentle, making sure not to rock the bed too much, you retreat from the room and pull the door closed, wandering off to the library in search of Azriel.

-

You find the trio in the library, sat spread out across the various sofas and chairs in the room. Cassian gives you a wave, sloshing his glass of whiskey and causing half of it to land on the carpet. Rhys only shakes his head and waves a hand, the mess disappearing instantly. Azriel sits himself up from lounging and pats the space next to him on the sofa, a glass of sparkling water appearing on the small table next to the seat. You smile and join him on the sofa, appreciating the water more than you probably should, but you hadn't had a chance to hydrate after your training session since you had found yourself in Feyre's room. Rhys looked at you, a question in his eyes, but you could only shrug a response. You had no update for him.

"How are you feeling", Azriel asks, sipping on his whiskey.

"I'm ok, starting to get a bit sore and achy now, but nothing I can't manage".

"Should we speak with Madja?", Rhys asks, but you shake your head.

"No need, it's all normal pregnancy stuff, nothing to be concerned about". It didn't make Azriel's face look any less concerned.

"I'll stay in tonight", he says, setting down his glass.

"Tonight?".

"Yeah, I'll stay in". You see Cassian glare at him from across the room and raise your eyebrows in question.

"I only went out of my way and wingmanned him a hot date, and he's going to bail only a few hours before. Way to make me look bad Az", he guilts, pulling a pout. But you stopped listening after you hear 'hot date'. Your ears start ringing and your eyes prick with tears which you quickly blink away. Not quickly enough to avoid Azriel's attention, though.

"Are you ok? Does something hurt?".

"I'm fine", you snap a bit harsher than you meant to. Standing from the sofa, you throw a look his way and add a soft "don't worry". You start to walk away, but he calls you back.

"I'm actually quite tired, Az. I'm going to head to bed and get an early night. Have fun on your date and I'll see you tomorrow, ok?'. You leave the room before giving him a chance to respond.

-

Azriel's POV

"You look great, Az!", Cassian says, straightening my bow tie. He doesn't seem to realise that Azriel will be tearing it off the moment before he takes the sky.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks Cass", he offers, looking at the wall.

"What?! I'd definitely do you", Cassian replies, still fiddling with the bow tie. Azriel only look at him with a glare, to which Cassian chuckles.

"Right, you're all ready, off you go", he says, patting Azriel's shoulder and steering him towards the balcony. "Go get her", he winks, before walking back into the House of Wind.

Azriel sighs, rips off the bow tie, and jumps from the ledge, heading into the centre of Velaris.

-

He arrives at the restaurant and finds his date standing outside waiting, even though Azriel himself is 10 minutes early. She is pretty, there is no denying that, but Azriel can't clear his mind of the beautiful female back at the House currently carrying his child.

"Hi!", his date calls, walking over to him.

"Hi Tori", he smiles, offering her a quick hug. The pair of them walk into the restaurant and are seated at a private table on the roof, as arranged by Cassian and Rhysand. The pair of them seem to think that a date will help Azriel's 'brooding', as they call it. But Azriel's mind is in one place and on one thing, and it isn't the female sat opposite him at this table.

The date is nice. The food is good, the drinks are flowing, and the live entertainment is a dream. But Azriel can't stop thinking about y/n.

"You seem distracted?", Tori asks, slurring her words slightly after they finished their 3rd bottle of wine and gestured the waiter for a 4th.

It's like she opened a floodgate. With the question lingering and the sheer volume of alcohol he had consumed to try and distract himself, Azriel suddenly word vomits everything that is in his brain, telling his date every single detail about you and his unborn child.

"A word of advice, Azriel, if I may?".

He nods.

"You clearly care for this female and your baby more than anything on the planet. So why, on the sun and the moon and the stars and the damned cauldron itself, are you on a date with me instead of telling this female that you very clearly love her?".

He sits in silence, stewing over Tori's words, before it feels like a bucket of cold water has been thrown over his entire body. He does. He loves you. He loves you more than he has loved anything or anyone in this world. And tonight, he let you sit at home, uncomfortable and sore, carrying his child, whilst he went on a date. He had fucked up.

Standing abruptly, Azriel reaches into his wallet and throws a heaping handful of notes on the table, covering the bill and then some.

"I'm so sorry", he says to Tori, who merely shakes her head and smiles.

"Go get your girl, Az".

-

Crash landing on the balcony and stumbling through the House, Azriel finds your door and knocks hard.

"Y/n?", he whisper shouts, knocking again.

You must be asleep. But this can't wait.

Azriel pushes the door open, but your bed is empty. He checks the bathroom. Empty.

Perhaps you had a midnight craving? He stumbles down to the kitchen. Empty.

Confused, disorientated, and slightly nauseous, Azriel makes his way to his own bedroom. He walks in and see a small piece of paper folded on his pillow. His eyes struggle to focus but he manages to successfully unfold the paper, only for his heart to fall to his stomach at its contents.

Azriel,

I am so sorry.

Y/n.

It was too late. You'd gone.

[hiddenhearthwitch]

📚 Small Intro To Polytheism📚

One of the most frequent asks I receive is how and where to get started when it comes to polytheism. This is a fairly broad subject and I’ll try to be as general as I can for advice but I will include specific references for Norse polytheists as that’s my shit. This information can be used to help you find a pantheon or to help you pick deities to work with it. If you’d like to use it to pick a patron deity that’s super, if you want to worship 20 gods and not have a patron deity that’s cool too. You do you dude. Please keep in mind this is all reflective of my research and personal practice. 🌻

Picking A Pantheon/Deity

This really boils down to personal preference. You’ll read a lot of posts and books that tell you many different ways and it’s entirely up to you because it is your practice.  That being said, there’s a couple of different ways to go about it. 

Research! This is one of my favorite ways to delve in. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with reading the stories of multiple pantheons and picking on that calls to you. You can also talk to other devotees and see what they have to say about deities and their religions. It is important to keep in mind that some religions are closed so please do proper research!

For example, I wasn’t originally a Norse pagan. I read some stories and thought the Hellenic pantheon would best suit me. I reached out to Eros for a while but after feeling no real connection to the pantheon I continued my research! After reading up on the Norse pantheon I decided to reach out to them out. Obviously, I fucking loved it because here I am. Point being, you can pick a pantheon based on research and not some divine message or whatever. You are also more than welcome to try out a religion, decide it doesn’t suit you, and move on. 

Divination! You can use runes, a pendulum, tarot, etc.This can go a few different ways. You can write pantheon/deity names on separate pieces of paper, mix them up, and place them face down then ask the pendulum to pick. You can assign a deity/pantheon to each suit of cards or major arcana card or even do the same thing with runes. 

For example, this is how I found a devotion to Frigg and Hel. I asked if there were any deities who were interested in working with me and pulled the runes Hagalaz and Berkana which read as Hel and Frigg to me. I followed up with tarot cards and pulled Death(Hel) plus the Queen of Pentacles(Frigg).

Asking/waiting for a sign. This isn’t something I’ve personally done so I don’t have much to say on the subject. You can go about meditating, praying, doing a ritual, or whatever and essentially wait for a sign after. It can come via a dream, something you experience, symbols you see in your daily life, it’s pretty much up to your intuition to decipher it. If anyone has information they’d like me to add in here please let me know!

If there’s a god you’re curious about and don’t want to do any of the above it’s totally cool to just reach out and ask if they want to work with you. 

Idk How To Research

Same, tbh my keyword search game is weak. Anyways, good portion of us are looking up dead religions with little reliable resources. To give those curious about the Norse an easy head start here’s a compiled list of  books by yours truly(click me!!) . It’s important to take everything with a grain a salt of salt when doing research. In my experience a lot of the retold Norse sagas have been Christianized or written under heavy Wiccan influences. It’s a good idea to do research on the author before reading one of their books.

Other blogs! There are tons of great witches and pagans on tumblr that have information waiting for you. 💗 You can search their blog/tags for good references for books, websites, podcasts, etc. Plus lots of blogs are open to answer asks. If you don’t know where to start for searching it’s best to try things based around your interest like: “norse polytheist”, “hellenic witch”, “gaelic polytheism”, etc.

Media! How lucky are we that we live in the age of technology? Knowledge is right at our fingertips! There are countless documentaries, podcasts, and audiobooks on youtube full of information for different cultures and religions. I’d personally recommend almost anything by BBC, Myths & Legends, and World Mythology!

Books! I love starting on goodreads to find good books and trust worthy authors. They’ve had almost every book I looked up with bunches of different reviews so you can get varying perspectives. Check out your local library as well! A lot of city libraries have online databases now of all of their books so you can “check it out” online and read the PDF(personal fave). 

Feeling Lost Still?

That’s completely reasonable and your feelings are more than valid. It can be overwhelming and lot of information to soak up. Just do your best and take it at your own pace, there’s no rush to find a deity or pantheon. 💞 Below are a few other general concerns I hear a lot that I was hoping to address.

“I’m leaving a monotheistic(Christian, Catholic, Jewish, etc) religion and it’s giving me anxiety.” This is entirely common and almost expected in my opinion. I was raised Roman Catholic and my first year to two looking into polytheism riddled me with anxiety. I was constantly concerned that god would smite me down or I’d face an eternity in hell for worshiping false gods. While I can’t speak for everyone that fear was entirely erased for me when I found my gods. I’ve never felt so safe and strong and hopefully with time you can find the same in your gods!

It’s okay to want to learn more or to seek something more. I can’t tell you how to handle your anxiety but please know you’re not alone in that fear. There’s whole communities out there willing to support you and help you find your safe space(including me)!

“What’s UPG?” You’ll see a lot of posts, mine included, that mention UPG - UPG is Unverified Personal Gnosis. This is essentially someone’s personal thoughts and beliefs about a deity. For example, I associate Sif with hazelnuts. There’s nothing in the lore or any book that says that she likes hazelnuts; that’s just a personal opinion(aka a UPG).

“How do I reach out to the gods?” I have a lot of information on my blog about this topic although a lot of it is Norse specific. You can check out my beginner polytheist tag here and my beginner norse post/ask here.

Altar! This is my go to typically. Altars aren’t limited to the cookie cutter image that comes to mind(no hate though I have a few); one thing you can make a side blog dedicated to your pantheon/deity, make a small one in a tin can, or even make one in a video game like Minecraft or some shit. You can be as creative or as to the book as you want. It’s up to you.

Prayer! You can totally just sit down and be like, “Hey man wanna work on some shit together?”. While I’m not 100% that all gods would be down with you being that casual it’s still something you can try.😂 You can reach out to them by sitting down in a quiet space and meditating into prayer, praying in the car or in the shower, or just pray at the altar you set up if you did. Again, I can not reiterate this enough, it’s your practice, reach out to them as you please.

Do something personal! This is more like devotional work in my opinion. Let’s say you knit and you want to reach out to a creative or domestic deity, you can knit something as a devotional act to them and as a way to reach out. For example I pick up litter in honor of the Vanir and Jörð, or I play Skyrim for Thor and Týr.

Most importantly just be honest and up front with the god that you’re reaching out too. Considering that statement be honest with yourself as well. There’s no point going into a relationship with a god if you can’t be upfront, it’ll end up in nothing but grief.

“Can deities reach out through gods/signs?” They totally can. However, it is up to you and your intuition if a deity has and it’s not likely another witch will decipher that for you. Sounds, experiences, images, all have different meanings to each of us - they may show you something that’s very personal to you but would be mundane to someone else. Trust your instincts. However, please remember that not everything is magical, sometimes a raven is just a raven and not Odin.

✨Take everything you learn with a grain of salt. Including this post.✨

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[lees-chaotic-brain]

hooray!! congrats on the good news, i hope the streak continues!

okay i'm glad you won't be uncomfortable with the stuff i interact with. i didn't bother with any warnings on my blog bc i'm mostly here to consume things and don't expect too many people to wander by lol. but! since i have been coming out of my lil lurker basement lately i finally at least added a color scheme to it so i look less like a bot.

oh man oh man where to start on tea and jackets? what are your go-to's for either? i'm kind of a tea purist-i prefer tea the east asian (chinese/japanese/korean) way, just pure tea leaves and occasional aromatics with no additional sugar or cream unless i'm specifically making a milk tea. i don't really like herbal teas. i want that camellia sinensis in my shit. my default tea rn is probably hojicha. i made a sunrise burnt basque hojicha cheesecake and though the layers didn't come out as cleanly as i wanted it tasted lovely. a tumblr friend on here inspired me to try out the burnt basque with a FANTASTIC green thai tea i have next! (if you're in the market for the green thai tea and are usa-based i cannot recommend it enough. it's so unique bc green thai is uncommon in the states already, and most of it comes from the powder packets but the one i have is all whole ingredients, no extracts or dye or flavor enhancements and it is DIVINE. sooo fragrant with pandan and vanilla and mint. i will scarf down anything with pandan in it but this is especially lovely)

i basically only own leather jackets or blazers, i have an embarassing amount of both. i did just do a closet purge with a friend's help though and i am proud of say i got rid of like, 16 college-era (p)leather jackets and blazers that had seen better days/are no longer in style

ty for sticking around for my D1 yapping!

dw abt it LMAO. it's not super apparent, but if you look close enough you can see my inner hoe poking through in my tags, so yes. i definitely consume smut and dark content and am looking forward to seeing your stuff on my dash 🤭

omg and for tea? i literally drink any and all kinds of tea. so again, if you've been on my blog long enough/look closely i'm pretty sure i've mentioned it before but i'm half korean, and i while i love all kinds of tea, the tea my mom made for me are nostalgic and bring me comfort. i almost always drink my teas plain (chai being the only exception) or with a little bit of honey.

i LOVE herbal teas. i can't really drink a ton of caffeine with my adhd meds or i genuinely start tweaking. like twitching and all that shit, so i normally drink other teas even though i really enjoy green and black teas :')

THAT TEA AND CHEESECAKE BOTH SOUND SO GOOD OMG

i'm a sucker for jackets and boots, and while i don't have too many, i definitely own a few, but i'll probably reblog this post and rant about them later lmao

if you're interested, here is a comprehensive list of my top ten favorite teas (in no particular order), how i drink them, and why. thank you for attending my lecture.

1. you are so right about hojicha. i love green tea, but my absolute favorite variation of green tea is nokcha. i love the extra flavor the brown rice brings to it. i normally drink it plain, but if i'm feeling fancy i'll steam a little milk and add a drizzle of honey

2. this definitely isn't korean, but when i was little my mom would make me this tea and it was so, so, so, good. it's basically just a stick of cinnamon, some apples slices up, orange and lemon peel, and a little bit of honey boiled together for like an hour. it's literally my favorite thing to drink in the fall bc it just warms me up from the inside

3. oksusu-cha. it's basically a korean tea made from roasted corn kernels and i really, really, like it. it's different from a lot of teas in the sense that it's almost savory, but its taste is very unique and almost earthy? idk how to describe it but i highly recommend trying it. i always drink it plain, but pouring it over heukmi bap (korean purple rice) and eating is also amazing

4. earl gray. i know this one is very british and different from the rest of the teas i drink, but i love having a cup of it once in a while! i drink it black sometimes, but i'll also drink it with either lemon and honey, or a little milk and honey

5. chamomile my love. i love love love a nice cup of chamomile before bed while i'm reading a book! i almost always drink it plain, but if i'm on my period i add a spoonful of honey

6. hibiscus tea. while this isn't necessarily my favorite taste wise, it brings back a lot of memories from when i was little and would go to a cafe with my mom. not to say i don't enjoy the flavor, it's just a little too sweet and a little too tart for me to drink a lot of

7. gyulpi cha. it's a korean citrus peel tea (not unlike #2) and it's really, really, good. i always drink it plain.

8. chai. this is the only type of tea i drink with a ton of stuff in it. i'm currently boycotting starbucks, but i love their iced chai latte with sweet cream foam. during fall i normally get it with some pumpkin flavoring lol. however i barely consider the drink tea at this point lmao

9. lavender tea. i absolutely love a cup of lavender tea before bed. i always drink it plain, and think the scent is so calming!

10. and finally lilac tea. i love lilacs. growing up we had a massive lilac bush and the smell always brings me back. i really enjoy its subtly sweet and floral flavor, and always drink it plain.

anyways, that's it for the tea lmao.

[fangs-claws-paws]

Ranting

Just wanna put a bunch of petty, angry thoughts down somewhere.

99% is gonna be Warhammer 40k cuz dear god have some things been bothering me for a bit!

I honest to god care so little about the primarchs it is insane. Like I don't hate them, nor do I think they're bad, and I do genuinely like some of them. My problem is most writing and anything specific has to do with 'omg konrad so hot!' or 'magnus is bae!' p much insert any primarch there and its the same thing. And I just sit there with a grimancing smile cuz I just don't care for them like that, they're interesting characters in their plots, but I don't feel any sort of obsession or compulsion to write more about them, their story is told in the setting and that's good. I really don't want to read the 200th shipping piece about them with each other or insert guilliman/yrvaine, or primarch/self-insert, they are nothing to me. I care leaps and bounds more about the space marine's themselves, more about their loyalty to their primarchs and how that makes many do things they never would have done otherwise. Like the butchers nail in the world eaters, stuff like that. But at least on AO3 fanfiction its so rare it might as well not exist.

I guess bold words coming from the writer of the horniest/most fucked up space marine fan fic on the site. But I am allowed to bitch.

Other thing I hate with AO3 warhammer fanfiction, though looks more general, is the fixation with cross-over writing. Like there at least 10 fics there that are warhammer 40k crossover with my hero academia of all things. Let alone the 50+ fandom crossover fics that are a chore to scroll past due to the length of their tags (thankfully that's mostly reduced thanks to the tag limit AO3 had to enforce). None of them offer anything new, or interesting, or really anything I find worthwhile to read. Most can be boiled down to 'we took academia characters and hastily jammed them in roles of the primarchs' or something else just as uninspired. and again, like you do you, but it's miserable having to scroll through most fics and except for maybe 1 or 2 they are all pretty much the same thing with different window dressing.

Also wish there wasn't a treat of woobifying chaos. Acting like they're secretly the real good guys. Aside from being resoundingly not based in canon even remotely, it removes why I love chaos so much. I'm not a fan of chaos cuz I think they'll make everything right, I'm a fan cuz they just wanna watch everything burn and do horrific shit. Maybe I am tired of being nice, maybe I do wanna go ape shit! That's the appeal, the catharsis of being something so horrific and beyond good, and loving every step of the way.

Also not a huge fan of the new thing being hating space marines as boring generic action heroes, which I do kinda get bc GW loves using them as poster boys. But I dunno, I've just related to space marines more than the guardsmen. Not that I've ever been in war or some of the horrors they face. But when I relate is the isolation and seperation from the average human, like I loved reading in one of the Ahriman books how a space marine sat in a human chair and how it struggled to not shatter, how it made at least me aware how the world is not designed for them. They're children who were taken at an extremely young age and honed into weapons to be wielded, and I love when we're reminded that they kinda still are and how they're dehumanized by the Imperium. While space marines get along decently with each other, they struggle to understand the average human, how technically they're still emotionally children who have been given extremely dangerous weapons. That despite being angels of death for the imperium some humans still see them as freakish mutants that are barely tolerable only because they are weapons.

Like I know its extremely childish of me, but I do feel a little upset, annoyed, etc when space marines get parodied as obnoxious, stupid, hyper-masculine action hero jokes. Like 'oh ho ho! Bad ass space marines have to have their cybernetics tended to by humans, just proves regular humans are so superior to dumb marines!' Like yeah, but do you not see how it can also reflect the level of trust these dehumanized potentially deeply repressed traumatized individuals have to have that they allow select humans to help them with their disability, something that space marines shouldn't have, at least according to propaganda. Or how war can irreperably change even someone who is now seen as a tool, or that space marines are seen as just as replaceable as the cybernetics that they are augmented with. LIke IDK, maybe I see too much of myself in fictional superhuman dudes, but it irks me to have them only be seen as either just cool (which I tolerate infinitely more) or as something that must be constantly parodied and treated as something to be derided as pathetic masculine fantasy (which I detest)

[filipinoizukuu]

hello mr simp do you have any thoughts on the leeks 👀

FIRST OF ALL. THEY CAME SO FUCKING EARLY??? BRO I WAS ASLEEP

SECOND OF ALL

holy SHIT YALL

Okay, it's no secret that I'm an All Might stan. I LOVE All Might. Very very much. Not just as a simp, but genuinely, I enjoy his character SO MUCH.

--And unlike what some people may think, I'm not totally blind to his flaws. I know he sucks as a mentor and that he's done way more harm to Deku than good. He's.... not perfect. in every sense of the word. The whole point of AM's character is that he is a DEEPLY FLAWED individual— but at the end of the day, still good.

This new chapter gave me SOOO many new feelings. I'm not gonna lie to y'all and say I was a Stain apologist beforehand because I wasn't. I disliked Stain to a certain degree, but I also knew he was morally grey enough that I was able to still quite appreciate him as a character. This chapter was about EVERYTHING to me because I honestly did NOT expect Hori to go in this direction and for things to happen the way they did. It was too good to be true! Too fanfic-y! The disbelief I felt when I read what happened was on par with when Bakugou and Deku had that apology and kinda-hug in the rain!

But this disbelief is not because it was a bad thing.

I think the writing in Chapter 326 is phenomenal. The moment that All Might was really beginning to lose hope in not just himself as a hero, but himself as a PERSON... we finally hear the opinion of someone who would abso-fucking-LUTELY make or break the last of his spirit.

Stain is, as much as his views are pretty agreeable and his label is that of a vigilante, still a pretty shitty guy. He's tried to kill literal kids who got in his way, even if said kids made pretty dumb decisions. AM hearing what he has to say is absolutely mind-boggling to him because he knows all of that. He knows Stain is a shitty person and that his worldview is perhaps terribly skewed. He knows Stain has spent a hot minute frying his brains down in Tartarus and isn't good at making judgment calls. Knows that for all intents and purposes, Stain's opinions are not to be trusted.

But the thing is... Toshinori also knows that Stain, regardless of the soundness of his mind, is telling the truth.

Regardless of how fucked-in-the-head Stain is, we as readers are able to acknowledge that he isn't blinded by hero worship. Sure, he's bitter, cynical, and quite the absolutist--but Stain is still clear-headed enough to be able to see AM's flaws for what they are and accept them, ultimately proving to Toshinori that the power of All Might was never his own but rather the legacy that he inspired.

The society MHA takes place in is flawed. We all know this. Heroes, as a concept, had been corrupted into being purely about good and evil. Purely winning fights for money or fame or the abstract concept of victory (coughs Endeavor and the no.1 spot coughs), making heroism as we know it about flashiness and power instead of mercy and the desire to help others.

All Might symbolizes the ideal version of the Hero Society. He represents doing the best you can. Being a hero until you reach your limits, and then going even past that. He symbolizes pure intention and the desire to be a hero not for material gains but because of the pure want to make society a better and safer place. Stain refers to Kamino Ward and the statue as a "holy land" because he believes that through and through, AM's only had the purest of intentions and morals. To him, Toshinori was like a deity that had no fault in making society what it was in the present because that accountability fell on the generations of heroes that failed to fulfill his legacy.

The point being, Stain understood that All Might was fundamentally not about 'being there' for everyone 24/7, but rather the message his presence had sent.

All Might's monologue at the beginning of the chapter essentially boiled down to the ideas that:

A. He regrets not being there properly for Deku

B. His image was a delusion that ultimately led to the downfall of hero society.

To break this down, his problem with Deku is his inability to be a competent mentor. It shows that he has led him down dangerous and horrible paths (Deku's stubbornness to do things by himself and his 'dark' arc post-war), and is unable to bring him back into the light even if he tries. It was only when Class 1-A had intervened that they were able to get Deku to rest and let people tag along, after all, which is why Toshinori was far too embarrassed to follow him into UA's walls even after everyone had come out with umbrellas.

Stain disproves this in two ways.

First, he says that it was never about All Might's ability to actually be there for people. The whole point of what inspired Deku to be the inherently good-hearted "true hero" he is today is because of the values that AM's brand had instilled in him as a child. AM's biggest positive impacts came from behind the screen where he was used as the proof that true heroes can and do exist. Deku does want to be exactly like All Might, yes, which is why we see Toshinori leading him down the same path that he walked--but the underlying message of this is that the very first thing All Might gave him even before OfA was the courage to help fix society.

I do believe Deku is an innately compassionate person. Most people in the series are. However, what makes All Might's smile so uniquely impactful to what it did to Hero Society is the way it gave people courage to help people. Less hesitation. Less bystander syndromes. The ability to move without thinking. Because you can feel the want to help a person, but the courage to be nosey and actually do it? That's portrayed as something AM's image teaches people.

The second way he disproves AM's insecurity of dragging Deku down is that he makes it clear that this pain is somewhat of a necessity in reforming society. He says, interestingly enough, that this is but the 'middle process' in reforming society. This spills over to how he addresses Problem B, but what Stain is essentially saying here is that this sort of brutality and isolation that Izuku faces is impermanent. A phase. It implies that even if Deku is struggling and Toshinori is unable to help him, it is something that needs to happen before they re-realize the ideal heroes All Might's image is meant to create.

The second problem in regards to how All Might feels about current society (how it's collapsing because of him, etc. etc.) is more interestingly addressed. There are many things that Stain says--like how Toshinori doesn't need to actually be the one to fix society with his bare hands. The current society is not his fault because of the fact that it is not finished developing. I'm not sure if I can go so far as to say that Stain means this in the sense of the Scorched Earth method of tearing everything down to build it back up better-- but I can say that Stain still has faith in society to rebuild after this period of chaos.

This rebuilding starts with the old generation of heroes correcting what they messed up (i.e. Endeavor v Dabi) and more importantly, paving the way for a better generation of heroes that was inspired by All Might's image. Heroes that are led by people like Deku, who is defined by his proclivity to help without thinking. The violent deconstruction of society is about exposing society to the raw truth of All Might's image that not everybody can be as strong as him-- which is why we have to take care of each other.

When the lady comes in to remove the sign and start cleaning the statue, it's symbolic. It's a clear metaphor that the past few chapters are the turning point for society as a whole, and how people are starting to remember what real heroism is. From the distrust that was seeded in society ever since LoV had surfaced, we are seeing that trust being returned TEN-FOLD now that people can see not only the mask of a hero's smile, but also the person underneath.

I think it's some really neat symbolism here too about how Deku, who's metal mouth guard was literally all about representing All Might's smile, is shed.

This is hero society dropping their masks. Letting people see them for as they are. Toshinori revisiting the statue in this form makes all the more impact because he shed his mask ages ago during the Kamino Bust, so this is him coming face to face with the image he's created and seeing the differences between them, and how his image continues to live on even after he's almost completely Quirkless. The lady cleaning the All Might statue shows off the fact that things can be repaired again--that society can be clean (hehe stain pun) again.

It's interesting to me here how Stain offers the information from Tartarus.

He doesn't care anymore about his life. It's evident. He disagrees with what the LoV is doing, but believes enough in Deku to think that it's time for him to retire the mantle of 'Stain'. Unless this is another test, it's very odd for me to hear that Stain is offering a blade and his life to someone he isn't even sure is All Might.

But the impact of this action reads loud and clear.

This is Stain taking pity on All Might. This is him realizing that All Might too is a person behind the hero. That Toshinori Yagi is incapable of doing anything past the image he had already created. By offering that knife and information on Tartarus, Stain is giving control back to Toshinori. He is giving AM the chance to do something big again to help society's reconstruction. To be a part of the revolution that he so badly deserves to see. That knife is essentially an exit ticket from the sidelines, and one last chance for All Might to be able to see what his image has done for people.

I personally think that the main reason Stain is willing to die then and there by Toshinori's hand, despite not being sure that he is All Might to begin with, is because of the final impact it creates that it isn't about Toshinori Yagi's true power as a person, but the image of All Might. It is because he looks like the symbol of peace, that Stain (the literal HERO KILLER) feels comfortable laying his life in his hands and giving away valuable information.

If that isn't a great testament to the power of AM's image, I don't know WHAT is.

I guess all I have to say is I absolutely love what Stain did in this chapter. Everything felt so incredibly symbolic and emotional and as someone who absolutely ADORES All Might and what he stands for in the story, this felt like a cool balm after seeing Deku tragically reject his bento box a good few chapters ago. I have a few more opinions about symbolism, and how I think Deku's generation of heroes is going to stray from the old gen, but I think that's a discussion for another time.

Thanks for reading 'til the end!

[just-come-baek]

bet on it

Pairing: Na Jaemin x female!reader

Themes: smut | fluff | kidna cracky | light angst | fake dating!au | college!au | idiots to lovers!au | love letters

Word count: 21.2k 

Summary: One day, Jaemin stops by with a strange request. Any other person would just laugh in his face and refuse in a second. Unfortunately, I, being the dumbass I am, agree to it. Soon enough, everything gets out of hand, causing much more drama than we could ever predict.

Or in other words, Jaemin shouldn’t bet on things he knows he can’t win.

Warnings: all characters share like 3 brain cells, and somehow they all belong to Ten??? | self-indulgent type 3 diabetes fluff | cursing | mutual pining | college duties negligence | scheming and plotting | double-crossing | hookup culture condoning | corny and cringy stuff | alcohol consumption | smoking | extreme winter sports | amateur matchmaking | professional wooing | manipulative behaviour | steamy smut | oral female!receiving | thigh riding | spanking | marking | overstimulation | protected sex | lots of teasing | made up warnings | I don’t remember more

A/N it’s an instalment for love letters event hosted by neosmutcollective, I hope you enjoy my jaemin entry as well as other entries written by my friends from the network, check out the event tags too, and yeah, happy valentine's day!  😏  💖

***

“What?” I yelled, almost spitting my tea. No, I must’ve heard him wrong. Jaemin wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that. It had to be a joke. Or I must’ve imagined him say that. “You don’t mean that,” I added, still in shock, trying to comprehend what just happened.

“Come on, Noona,” Jaemin whined, staring right into my eyes, wishing for me to say yes to his ridiculous proposal. “I wouldn’t suggest that if I knew we couldn’t pull through.”

With a sigh, I shook my head. Jaemin’s proposition was absurd, and I couldn’t believe I was about to ask him again to walk me through it.

Damn me and my curiosity.

“Before I make my mind about this… tell me what the fuck led you guys to make that stupid bet. Then, and only then, I will still say no, but in good faith,” I demanded, smiling at Jaemin, knowing I wouldn’t make it easy for him to convince me. The odds weren’t in his favor, and he really had to put in lots of effort if he really wanted me on board.

“So we were chilling after practice, and then Haechan started to tease me that I have no game anymore,” Jaemin started, and I rolled my eyes. Of course, I should’ve figured it out. A man in his age apparently is a failure unless he has a different girl in his bed at least 3 nights a week, moaning his name at the top of her voice. Even though Jaemin doesn’t have a competitive nature, it still provoked him into agreeing to this absurd bet.

Life must be though with an ego so fragile…

Jaemin isn’t a fuckboy, yet he still has a fair share of love conquests. Though I had no idea whether it was true or not, he must have fallen a little behind the others – otherwise, they wouldn’t tease him about it.

“And then I said his mother must’ve dropped him on the head if he really thinks that,” Jaemin carried on. I nodded my head, trying to wrap my head around this preposterous situation. “Then, I said I could seduce any girl I want,” he added proudly, making me want to flicker his forehead, hoping it would knock some sense into that empty skull at the top of his neck.

“Okay, but how the hell did you end up with having to seduce me? This is the part I have the most trouble understanding,” I pointed out, cocking my eyebrow.

“Then, Chenle suggested we bet on it, and I agreed to it,” Jaemin whispered, looking away, sounding both regretful and shy. “I urged them to pick any girl, so Haechan looked around to choose my next conquest. It was the time when you and Ten were walking to the dance studio, and that bastard suggested you.”

So it was Haechan’s doing – I should’ve figured this one out. He was the only one wicked enough to possibly ruin somebody’s friendship because of a stupid bet.

Or, it was quite genius of him – maybe he figured Jaemin would not cross this line, choosing our friendship over winning this imbecilic bet.

“And you were confident you can woo me? What about our friendship? Does it mean anything to you?” I inquired, curious of what was going inside his head when he agreed to this half-witted bet. Did he seriously think we could have sex and then forget all about it?

“It’s not like that! I don’t want to woo you. I mean… I could, and you would be very much aware if I tried to hit on you, and you would fall for me. No doubts on that,” Jaemin spoke confidently, grinning like an idiot with ego blown way out of proportion. “But–“

Jaemin was about to say something dense, so before more bullshit managed to leave his mouth, I hit him with a cutting board. Jaemin whined, but I was sure he was exaggerating for comedy purposes. My hit was calculated and balanced – it was powerful enough for him to understand it wasn’t a good idea, but at the same, it was not going to cause any permanent damage to his brain. I’d never purposefully do that to him.

“We’re not having sex. Get that shit inside your head,” I interjected, pouring my herbal tea down my throat, already thinking about making another cup. This conversation was making me uncomfortable, and I wanted to put an end to it. Perhaps another lemon balm tea would calm my nerves.

Ignoring his penetrating gaze, I shuffled around the kitchen, setting the kettle on the stove. In the meantime, Jaemin walked around the kitchen island and grabbed me by my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes.

“Come on, Noona, I am not asking you to sleep with me,” Jaemin defended his case, quite determined to pull me on his side.

“Well… it looks exactly like you’re asking me to sleep with you,” I cut in, walking around him to the cabinet to get a fresh tea bag. I’ve really had enough of this bullshit.

“We could just make it look like like we did,” he carried on, and I heaved a deep sigh, regretting even letting him in today. I had this extremely boring essay to write, and at this point, I’d rather begin my research on whatever topic my professor assigned.

“It’s still a no from me, sorry,” I replied harshly, crashing Jaemin’s expectations. Judging by the look on his face, it wasn’t the outcome he anticipated when he decided to knock on my doors. “What happens when you lose that bet? Well… except for your pride, of course.”

“500 dollars.”

“Ouch, sowwy, I hope you can afford that,” I added with a fake smile, patting him on the shoulder, being well aware this amount of money was a game-changer to Jaemin’s budget. If he won, he would have the time of his life, spoiling himself. However, if he lost, he’d have to eat instant ramen on every meal for the entire month. “Either way, I hope it will teach you a lesson to not bet on things you know you can’t win.”

“Ugh, fine,” Jaemin groaned in disappointment, reaching for my hands, holding them carefully as if they were made of china. “If you help me, I’ll give you half of the money,” he proposed, and I looked at our hands linked together, then quickly shifted my gaze to his eyes. “If you help me win, you’ll get 250 dollars, and you’ll be finally able to buy those fancy shoes you wanted so bad. What do you say?”

When did he get so persuasive?

It was a low blow.

Jaemin knew that these shoes were tempting me ever since I had seen them. Multiple times, my thumb hovered over the add-to-cart button. Every time, I resisted the temptation last minute upon seeing the price tag, though. This purchase was way out of my budget.  However, now, when the new income opportunity presented itself, it made me wonder.

Suddenly, the kettle began to whistle, bringing me down to Earth from that ridiculous train of thought. Shaking my head, I tore my hands out of Jaemin’s gentle grasp, fidgeting back to the stove, pouring boiling water into the cup.

“Okay, fine, but I have a few questions first,” I gave up after a short pause for intense pondering, and Jaemin smiled brightly in instant gratitude and relief. Without my help, he would be doomed. “And then, if I like the answers, I have a few conditions.”

“Anything.”

“Okay, so first of all, how much time do we have to do the deed,” I inquired as I blew some air before taking a cautious sip.

“About two weeks,” Jaemin mentioned after a while as he had counted on his fingers how many days we have to team up and win five hundred dollars for us. “Officially, we have to do it before Jaehyun’s birthday party,” he specified, and I hummed, realizing it is very little time.

“You seriously think I am that easy? Outrageous,” I gasped, throwing a fake tantrum as I made my way around him to sit down on the barstool on the other side of the kitchen island.

“No, of course not,” Jaemin quickly realized what I was getting on, so he smiled sheepishly, already trying to figure out the best wording to calm me down. “I am just that good,” he added, and I leaned over to smack his shoulder. “Kidding,” he defended himself, stepping out of my reach. “Renjun proposed this party, I mean, it’s the easiest way they can verify we did it,” Jaemin carried on, and I cursed under my breath.

How convenient.

“But we’re not going to do the fucking,” I stated, as a matter of fact, repeating myself in order to make sure we were both on the same page. As much as it would be pleasant to actually do it with him, never under these circumstances.

“No, we’re not, but I guess we can sneak out upstairs to one of the unoccupied rooms, and once we make sure they’re listening, you can just shout how good I’m fucking you,” Jaemin reasoned, and I sighed as regret once again washed through me.

“That’s creepy,” I commented as my mind conjured an image of a group of peeping Toms, eavesdropping on our sex session. Once again, I felt the temptation to drop out of this deal, but then, another thought crossed my mind. “Ugh, fine, I’ll do it. All I have to do is shout for two minutes, and then, these cute shoes will be mine.”

“Two minutes? Are you insane?” Jaemin hollered, offended by my comment. “It happened once, and it was ages ago. I’ve learned plenty of tricks since then,” he blabbered, acting way too defensive for his past mishap. “Just let me live in peace, please.”

“Okay, so we have established the deadline, and although it’s not enough time for anyone to woo me, let’s go with it.”

“Thank you! I knew I could count on you,” Jaemin replied with gleeful enthusiasm as he sat down on the barstool beside me and pressed a chaste kiss against my knuckles.

“But you have to go overboard with the courting,” I added, making Jaemin groan. Hard work wasn’t his best suit, but this time, he really had to try his best, or I’d have to turn him down at Jaehyun’s party. “You really have to make it believable and super romantic. Otherwise, I’m out,” I clarified, and Jaemin nodded, though unwillingly.

“Fine, any other wishes in mind?”

“Once we win the bet, we have to end this whole fake-dating fiasco immediately,” I announced, already planning ahead. It was easy to win the bet, but the most difficult part was getting back to normal. If we planned to fake-date in order to fake-fuck, then it was reasonable to figure out how we’re going to fake-break up.

“We should agree on admitting it was the best sex of our lives, but despite that, we value our friendship even more, so we decided to remain friends. How does it sound?” Jaemin suggested, and I had to once again resist the temptation to roll my eyes.

“I agree with the overall message, but later, we have to work on proper delivery.”

 ***

On the very next day, Jaemin and I decided to implement our secret plan.

Since I specifically asked to be courted in an over-the-top manner, Jaemin suggested going to the cinema. There were no attention-grabbing titles screened, yet ultimately, we agreed on watching the very last projection of the sequel to Wonder Woman.

“Go get the snacks, I’ll buy the tickets,” I ordered once we stepped into the cinema area of the nearest shopping mall. It was two o’clock in the afternoon, so the establishment wasn’t crowded. Except for us, there was only a family of three slowly making their way to the exit.

“See you in five minutes,” Jaemin murmured before he walked off to the bar to get us some salty popcorn and soda drinks. Though we both considered them way overpriced, it was a perfect way to celebrate the beginning of our fake relationship.

“We still have some time until the movie starts,” Jaemin shyly whispered as he cleared his throat. “Let’s take some selfies to make it public,” he added, and I nodded, sending him a timid smile, knowing this protocol had to be done in order to properly keep up appearances.

These days, everything had to be posted on social media, or it didn’t exist. If we didn’t leave a single digital mark, people might’ve grown a little bit suspicious of our alleged rendezvous. It would probably shock our friends, but it had to be done if we wanted to really sell it to them.

The circumstances were perfect for an impromptu first-date photo shoot. We were able to snap a few pictures without any annoying looks of prying eyes, choose the best angles, and finally post it with an ambiguous description confusing the shit out our friends.

Though Jaemin took about fifty photos, ultimately, I allowed him to upload three.

One picture showed me standing back to the camera as I looked at the cinema schedule, trying to pick a movie. I was wearing an A-line crimson red dress and a pair of warm black tights – the outfit really made my figure look pretty slim.

“What do you think about this one?” Jaemin inquired, showing me the photo of our interlaced hands. With a hum, I inspected the picture, giving him the green light. It was appropriate for our first date – it would signify we weren’t at the cinema as friends.

“This one looks good enough,” I commented as I reached to swipe across the screen of his smartphone. “I look cute here,” I added, showing Jaemin a picture of us. We were smiling, staring at the camera, almost stuffing our faces into the bucket of popcorn.

“What kind of description should I write?”

“Something vague, I guess,” I answered with a shrug, having no clue what kind of comment would be fitting for this Instagram post. “Maybe stick to emojis,” I suggested, and Jaemin went back to work, adjusting filters and typing the description.

With a chuckle, Jaemin handed me his phone, letting me approve his commentary.

“Are you out of your mind?” I hollered, quickly deleting the emojis. Having smacked his shoulder, I turned around, blocking him from seeing the screen. Three blushed emojis suited our fake-date better than a popcorn bucket, a wine glass, and an eggplant.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Jaemin apologized, still laughing at his incredibly funny joke.

“Here, I posted it,” I said with an eye roll, throwing his phone at his lap. “The commercials must’ve started; let’s go,” I rose from my seat and extended my arm, wanting Jaemin to hand me the cup of coke. Jaemin, however, completely misunderstood my intentions, putting his hand into mine, holding it gently. “Give me my drink, Jaemin.”

“Sorry,” Jaemin sheepishly smiled before he yanked back his hand and turned his head around, too embarrassed to look at me. I, on the other hand, laughed hysterically. That should’ve served him right after that emoji faux pas.

“I was kidding,” I admitted when my laughter died down. “Come on, Jaemin. Let’s go; I want to see the trailers,” I added before grabbing his hand, hauling him inside the screening room.

At the last row, we plopped down onto our double seat, getting comfortable for the movie. With our belongings thrown onto the neighboring seat, we stretched our limbs before the lights went out, providing us with the best viewing experience.

“Do you think they’ve seen it?” Jaemin whispered into my ear as he placed his head on my shoulders. “I want to check it, but at the same time, I don’t.”

“Mood,” I replied, feeling just as anxious.

The movie began, and we quickly forgot about our bold social media statement, focusing much more on the screening. Residing to our typical behavior, Jaemin placed his head on my shoulder, snuggling closer, taking full advantage of the bucket of popcorn, which rested on my thighs.

It was peaceful and comfortable – just as things were before Jaemin had come up with his brilliant idea to fake-date each other for the sake of that ludicrous bet. Though we acted the way we used to with each other, it felt somewhat different with that supposed romantic connotations haunting us. Not necessarily bad kind of different, though.

Just as we expected, two hours was more than enough for our friends to spam our individual inboxes. We both had dozens of messages from group chats, as well as private ones. All of them were asking and/or speculating what happened and why.

“I don’t feel like answering any of these,” I muttered, dreading to read what Ten and Jiwoo wrote on our roomies’ group chat. “I don’t feel like coming home, either. They’re gonna eat me alive with questions. I am not ready to face them yet. Wanna hang out some more?”

“Fuck, even my mom has seen them,” Jaemin cursed under his breath, completely forgetting about his mother being a mad keen Instagram user. Now, when he looked at our arrangement from a slightly different angle, Jaemin realized it brought way more consequences than he was planning on facing.

It was bad.

Really bad.

With shaky hands, I unlocked my phone, checking the Instagram post Jaemin had tagged me in. Not only our friends flooded the group chats, but also, they didn’t forget to embarrass us even further in the comment section.

lucas_xx444: what the heck??? 😧 is this for real???

yuu_taa_1026: finally!!1 maybe they stop simping for each other now 🤡

_jeongjaehyun: another man down, shame 😔

choi.jiwoo21: 🙄🙄 some men actually grow up, jeong…

mama_nana: Why am I only finding about this now?

“Well… fuck,” I murmured under my breath, still unable to process the fact that Jaemin’s mom knew about it. It was supposed to be a harmless charade; however, with each passing minute, it was getting out of hand. “What is the damage control procedure?” I asked in concern, biting the bottom lip nervously. Lying to our friends was pretty bad, but keeping this relationship thingy up in front of his mother was despicable.

“You know how she is,” Jaemin started, and I sighed, wishing I had no clue of what she was capable of. Unfortunately, I did, and it scared the hell out of me. “Either we go and visit her, or she’s coming to visit us,” he wondered, unable to choose which option was worse. “Fuck, she’s calling me. What do I do?”

With panic flashed in his eyes, Jaemin handed me his phone, expecting me to handle the conversation with his gossip-girl type of a mother. As if that would ever happen…

“Pick up and tell her we’re awfully busy or something,” I ordered him, gliding my finger across the screen, pressing the device against Jaemin’s ear.

“Hi, mom,” he spoke through gritted teeth, staring at me in absolute fury. Quickly, his hand cupped mine before he grabbed the phone, adjusting it.

By Jaemin’s mom’s standards, the conversation was brief. Or rather, her monologue was because Jaemin didn’t speak a single word through the entirety of it. Except for a couple of mmm’s thrown here and there, he didn’t engage at all.

Ideally, Jaemin would schedule the visit after we will have broken up. He’d go there by himself and tell her a story of us coming back to our senses and deciding to remain just friends. Unfortunately, that would require at least one functional brain cell and a pinch of assertiveness – both of which Jaemin seemed to lack.

“And?” I inquired, praying to hear some good news.

With a sheepish smile, Jaemin cautiously looked up at me. “We’re visiting her for dinner on Friday,” he announced, and I gripped my hands, trying to refrain myself from beating the shit out of him.

I didn’t sign up for any of this!

I just wanted some shoes.

“I hate you, Na Jaemin,” I angrily declared, storming out of the cinema, ready to indulge myself with plenty of greasy food. It wasn’t the best coping mechanism, but I needed to consume a ridiculous amount of calories in order to forget I was stupid enough to agree to participate in this travesty. “Are you coming or not?!”

 ***

The last thing I wanted was to face my roommates. They must’ve had dozens of questions about this out-of-the-blue date, and I was dreadful because I couldn’t provide them with genuine answers. Perhaps, I could try to confabulate my way out of this, but it was, nonetheless, risky.

Having eaten at least two servings of a delicious greasy meal Jaemin and I went for a stroll under the pretense of taking some more photos for future references.

Around 8 o’clock, I unwillingly made my way home. Even with that romantic aura lurking around us, it was still fun to hang out with Jaemin.

Walking up the stairs to the fourth floor, I wondered about possible solutions to my problem. In a perfect scenario, I’d sneak into my room without anyone noticing, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any prying questions until, at least, early morning.

Unfortunately, the moment I pulled out my keys, the doors swung wide open.

“Well, well, well…” Ten tsked with a mischievous smirk dancing across his gorgeous face. Asshole. How dare he tsk me? “Had fun on your date?” He asked, and I tried my best to ignore him. It wasn’t that easy, though. With Jiwoo backing up his teasing, I was outnumbered.

“So… you and Jaemin, huh?” Jiwoo mused, cocking up her eyebrow in curiosity. “Spill the tea. I didn’t spam your inbox to not hear all the details,” she added, and I rolled my eyes, regretting all of my poor life choices that led me to this moment.

“I’ll bring wine,” Ten hollered before he disappeared in the kitchen, also keen on knowing everything that had happened between us. “Don’t say anything until I get there!”

They wanted to hear a romantic story of how two friends realized they had hots for each other, and that’s exactly what I did. Unwillingly, I provided them with an incredible piece of fiction of how we felt the spark when Jaemin stopped by the other day.

Admittedly, it was easy to go with the flow once the wine molecules were coursing through my veins. With some liquid inspiration in my bloodstream, I narrated how adorable Jaemin had been when he had gathered enough courage to ask me out on a date.

“So I assume you’re bringing Jaemin to the cabin on the weekend,” Jiwoo inquired in a teasing manner, and I blinked in confusion. What cabin was she talking about? “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Forgot about what?” I asked, still clueless about the whole ordeal. With a confused frown, I wondered what this cabin trip was about. Positively, I didn’t forget about it. It’s impossible to forget about plans you weren’t even invited to.

So, Jiwoo explained everything in great detail.

Apparently, Jaehyun and Johnny planned a weekend getaway to the cabin by the sea. They invited plenty of people, but since it’s the middle of a hectic period of exams, only a small percentage of invitees would be able to make it.

Jaehyun, Johnny, and Lucas gave up trying to get the best grades two semesters ago, so their schedule was pretty much open. Renjun, Chenle, and Yeri were nerds with every necessary book memorized by heart, so they didn’t have to cram the weekend before the tests. Jiwoo, being heads over heels in love with Jaehyun, would even cancel her manicure appointment to make it to that trip. She was that serious about this fratboy for some reason…

And now, two individuals needed a perfect excuse to ditch an uncomfortable family dinner. When a chance presented itself in front of me, I just couldn’t say no.

“I’m going. I don’t know about Jaemin, though. He’s meeting his mom on Friday, but maybe he can make it work.”

“Fantastic,” Jiwoo shouted in excitement before finishing her glass of wine.

“Now, when I think about it, I am glad I’ve taken an extra shift at the gym,” Ten chimed in with a playful smirk as he sipped his wine. “You two simping for each other was painful to watch, but now, when you’re hitting it off, it’s gonna be unbearable.”

“What do you mean simping?” I yelled in a threatening manner, ready to fight him for spitting nonsense so carelessly. I might’ve had a tiny crush on Jaemin, but I wouldn’t call it simping. Also, suggesting the simping was mutual? He must’ve lost his freaking mind. Ridiculous!

“Shit, I didn’t think this through,” Jiwoo mentioned, now probably re-considering if the trip is worthwhile. She would love to hang out with Jaehyun and finally make a move, but on the other hand, she would have to deal with my and Jaemin’s romantic shenanigans.

“Why are you such drama queens? We’ve been on one date, for crying out loud! Stop acting like we’re some kind of overly touchy couple because we’re not,” I barked, having no more energy to argue with them. “We’ll keep PDA to a minimum, don’t worry.”

“No need to get so defensive,” Ten added, enjoying my misery a bit too much.

“I am not getting defensive,” I argued, though facing real trouble, unable to actually back up my perspective. “Anyway, I am going to sleep. Unlike the two of you, some people have real jobs,” I added before storming to my room, plopping onto my bed with a tired groan.

Having changed into my pajamas and sneaked under the covers, I finally dared to connect my phone to the Internet. My inbox was full of texts, so I read them all. I didn’t feel like replying to any of them, though. Instead, I opened my chat with Jaemin.

my love 💖 | 20:41 | I figured it out

my love 💖 | 20:41 | You don’t have to thank me

my love  💖 | 20:41 | Also

my love 💖 | 20:41 | Wtf Jaemin?

my love 💖 | 20:41 | What kind of name is that???

my love 💖 | 20:42 | Change it back

baNANA 🍓 |  20:43 | No. 😘

baNANA 🍓 | 20:43 | The name stays

baNANA 🍓 | 20:43 | You can’t make me 😝😝

baNANA 🍓 | 20:44 | And what don’t I have to thank you for?

my love 💖 | 20:44 | I might’ve found alternative plans for friday

baNANA 🍓 | 20:44 | Oh???

my love 💖 | 20:45 | Jiwoo invited us to the cabin for the weekend

my love 💖 | 20:45 | We’re gonna get so drunk!

my love 💖 | 20:45 | It’s okay if you can’t make it, tho

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | Wow

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | I have an exam on Monday…

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | But I can make Haechan give me his notes

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | I wouldn’t miss it

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Good, then it’s a date

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Date??? 🥰🥰

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Stop being so cringy!

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Good night, love~~ 😘

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Dream of me 😇😇😇

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Ugh.

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Disgusting 🤢🤮

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | I love you, too

***

As brilliant as my plan was, it fell through. Only partially, though. The little getaway was still a thing, but unfortunately, regardless of how much we tried, we couldn’t reschedule the dinner at Jaemin’s family home.

We still had to pay his parents a visit, but, at least, there was a silver lining.

Thanks to our hectic schedule, Jaemin’s mom wouldn’t have a chance to force us to stay longer. Whether she wanted to feed us dessert or stay the night, it was out of the question.

Since Jiwoo had one more exam to pass on Friday, half of the guests would have to show up later in the evening. Johnny, Jaehyun, Lucas, and Renjun were about to take off around noon while Jiwoo, Yeri, Chenle, Jaemin, and I had to carpool later in the evening.

I didn’t complain, though.

“It’ll be fine. It’s just my mom,” Jaemin reassured me, slipping his hand into mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I bet it’s gonna be like any other time you stopped by,” he added, and I cocked up my eyebrow suspiciously.

“You better be right,” I spoke, though still unconvinced. I knew Jaemin’s mother. She had a tendency to be, hmm…, a little bit extra. Who knew how she would behave now when she found out we were dating?

Since Jaemin was carrying our suitcases, I knocked on the front doors. Jaemin’s mom rushed to let us in, but not before she gave us bone-crushing hugs.

“I think you’ve misunderstood. I invited you for dinner. I didn’t ask you to move in with me,” Mrs. Na jested upon seeing the suitcases in Jaemin’s hands, misinterpreting the situation in the funniest way possible. “It must be shocking, but I enjoy living alone with your father.”

“We’re going to the beach with some friends after the dinner,” Jaemin clarified, and his mother hummed in understanding, acting a bit too cool about it. It’s been a while since Jaemin paid them a proper visit, and she was a little too nonchalant for my liking. “They’re going to pick us up around seven.”

She must’ve done something or was about to do something.

“Here’s some wine,” I spoke up, handing her the bottle as a small thank you gift for inviting us over for a delicious home-made meal.

“Thank you, dear. You’re so thoughtful,” Mrs. Na accepted the beverage, guiding us to the dining area. “I didn’t feel like cooking today, so I ordered some Chinese takeout. I hope you don’t mind,” she added, and I chuckled at her typical antics.

She was an amazing mother to Jaemin, raising him well, but she really was a terrible housewife. She didn’t change one bit, and I loved her for it. She had so much love for her husband, her son, and her son’s friends, and that’s what really mattered.

“Your father will be home in thirty,” she announced before she made a beeline to the kitchen to get a bottle opener. “And the takeout was supposed to arrive twenty minutes ago. If it weren’t for that slow delivery guy, I would’ve got away with my little secret,” she blabbered, laughing awkwardly.

“It’s okay, really,” I reassured her, sending her a genuine smile. “I am craving Chinese food, anyway,” I added before I elbowed Jaemin, so he would say something, too. For a blabbermouth he was, right now, he seemed awfully quiet.

Before Jaemin managed to provide his mother with a proper response, someone knocked on the doors. Since we had already arrived, it must’ve been the delivery guy with food.

“I’ll go get it,” Jaemin excused himself, leaving me alone with his mother.

“So…,” Mrs. Na cleared her throat as he began pouring wine into fancy glasses. “You guys are finally dating. And if you want me to be completely honest, I am a little bit disappointed,” she made a pause to look at me in the eye. What? She didn’t approve of me? That’s surprising; I used to think she adored me. “I am a little bit disappointed either of you didn’t make a move sooner. I was slowly losing hope,” she added, and I sighed in relief.

For a while, I was seriously concerned she didn’t like me.

“Are you expecting any guests? There’s no way we can finish it all by the four of us,” Jaemin commented as he walked into the dining room, setting two plastic bags of takeout. It smelled heavenly, and I couldn’t wait to taste whatever dish Mrs. Na had ordered.

“I can always invite your friends inside when they pull up,” she spoke matter-of-factly, but as soon as Jaemin looked at her sternly, she seconded that idea. “Or, I can pack it up, so you can share it with your friends later.”

“Should we wait for dad?” Jaemin asked when his stomach growled, demanding food. In the morning, he was quite anxious about going to his parents’ house, so he didn’t even bother to eat. Now, Jaemin was starving. He couldn’t wait any longer.

“I’ll get the plates,” his mom spoke, not really answering his question. Within two minutes, she came back with a special set of tableware. In their household, it was used only for holidays and other rare occasions. “Dig in,” she urged us, waiting for us to fill our plates before doing the same herself.

Whatever restaurant provided today’s dinner, it was remarkable. It wasn’t too salty, nor too spicy. Even when I was full, I still stuffed my mouth some more, unable to stop myself.

“You have sauce on your chin,” Jaemin remarked, pointing at his own chin, helping me locate the stray drop of soy sauce. “Here,” he added with a tired shake of his head, wiping it clean with his napkin.

“You two are too adorable,” Mrs. Na cooed, smiling at us widely. “It was worth the wait,” she added, and I creased my forehead in confusion. “Oh, did you hear that? It must be your dad,” Mrs. Na said upon hearing noise from the garage. “You keep eating, I’ll go greet his workaholic ass,” she excused herself with a playful smile before walking away from the table to welcome her husband as any loving wife would.

With a deep sigh, Jaemin leaned toward me, resting his arm on my chair.

“It’s not that bad, actually. I was excepting to go through some kind of FBI-level of interrogation, but she seems kind of chill about this whole thing,” Jaemin whispered into my ear, and I giggled, agreeing with him. It was kind of suspicious, but I couldn’t complain.

“It’s kinda creepy when she’s talking like she’s been rooting for us to end up together, but this one thing aside, it’s bearable,” I replied, and Jaemin nodded his head.

“I am gone for a minute, and you’re all over each other,” Mrs. Na snickered when she returned to the dining room, seeing Jaemin leaned in, only inches apart from my face. “Jaemin, mama’s so proud,” she added before she walked around the room to set the plate for Mr. Na.

“Stop embarrassing me,” Jaemin whined, playing with the food on his plate, pouting. Though his mother pretty much ignored his childish tantrum, I chuckled, finding it absolutely adorable. Maybe she was a teaser, but little Jaemin knew, he inherited it from her. It was time he experienced the taste of his own medicine.

The apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree…

The rest of the afternoon went peaceful. Though Mrs. Na threw in some cheesy remarks here and there, we could handle it. We were slightly buzzed, after all.

“It’s time for us,” Jaemin announced as he heard a car parked in front of the house. “It was nice. We should totally do it again,” he sarcastically added when he reached for my coat and helped me put it on.

“Don’t have too much fun,” she added with a playful smirk upon her face, earning a judging look from her more conservative husband. “No, wait, I second that. Have as much fun as you want. I am a cool parent,” she spoke, changing her mind in a matter of seconds. “And I plan on becoming a cool grandparent.”

At first, I wanted to remind her that we’re too young for children. Besides, technically, we only went on one date. It was definitely too soon to even think about these things, let alone talk about them out loud.

Thankfully, before I managed to say something I’d regret, Jiwoo honked, urging us to get going. If it wasn’t for her impatience, I might’ve ruined the image I had built for myself in Jaemin’s parents’ eyes.

“Your mother was joking! Always use protection,” Mr. Na hollered before he closed the doors after us.

***

Except for a few playful comments shot toward Jaemin and me, the ride was peaceful. As soon as we threw our suitcases into the trunk and squeezed in on the backseat, we hit the road. Jamming to Jiwoo’s playlist, we chatted in excitement, all of us in desperate need of a little vacation. It was a stressful time of a year, but maybe this short trip would actually help us recharge the batteries and calm down after busting our asses off.

“How was the dinner?” Jiwoo asked, staring at us in the rearview mirror. Since there was a limited amount of space, I was almost sitting on Jaemin’s laps. Jiwoo didn’t miss it with her eagle eyes. The way Jaemin played with my fingers didn’t go unnoticed, either.

“Bearable,” I muttered under my breath, not really wanting to recollect these memories now. I’d probably tell Jiwoo everything later, and she understood the subliminal message in a heartbeat. “How was your test?”

“I probably failed, but, at least, now I know what to expect,” Jiwoo answered as she turned to the left as the navigation system instructed her to.

In about two hours, we arrived at our destination.

Having stepped into the cabin with our heavy luggage in our hands, we encountered the middle of the party. A handful of beer bottles were scattered around the living area, the boys fervently discussing some matter.

“You’re finally here,” Jaehyun spoke matter-of-factly, as he noticed us in the threshold. “Go upstairs and leave your stuff in your rooms. We’ve already assigned them; just read the post-it notes stuck to the doors,” he explained before he turned away.

Huh, apparently, they were pros at planning.

The guys rented a cabin that consisted of six tiny bedrooms. Generally, we wouldn’t have a problem assigning them; however, since Jaehyun, Lucas, and Johnny didn’t want to room with anyone, we were facing a dilemma. They guys wanted to have some privacy if they managed to pick someone up at the hotel in the neighborhood. In this case, the six of us had to share rooms. Jiwoo and Yeri could room together. Renjun and Chenle could occupy another one, so it looked like they put Jaemin and me in the last one.

Thankfully, it wouldn’t be the first time when I had to share a bed with Jaemin. He had stayed the night plenty of times before when he dozed off during our Netflix marathons. However, it still was to be a little bit awkward since everybody thought we began dating. We were going to pull through, though.

As soon as possible, we came back downstairs, ready to even the score of consumed alcohol. All of us needed it. Everybody had a different reason for it, but none of our troubles were to be discussed tonight.

In the fridge, there was a whole palette of different types of alcohol. Quickly, I grabbed two tequila-flavored beers, handing one to Jaemin, allowing others to choose their poison.

My plan for tonight was to test every kind of alcohol, gradually going up with the percentages. It was a bad idea, but that’s what college was about – having fun like there’re no consequences.

We partied like there’s no tomorrow.

At first, we kept it simple. Fervent conversations led us to shout at one another, trying to force one perspective over the others. We were going through so many subjects that any sober bystander might’ve had real trouble comprehending how we managed to switch among them.

Then, someone suggested playing a drinking game. Of course, it had to be never have I ever. Everybody had so much fun, especially when the participants yelled at Jaemin and me because we didn’t even bother to abide by the rules. We were sipping our drinks whenever we felt like it, even between rounds, and it didn’t sit right with the rest. Eventually, they kicked us out of their little circle, giving us the crucial task of bringing some snacks from the kitchen.

Sometime past midnight, Jiwoo proposed going outside. It was beautifully snowing, but at the same time, it was freezing. Though I was opposed to this idea, everybody seemed to love it. The guys were throwing snowballs at each other, bringing out their inner child.

As if this wasn’t enough, they decided to take a stroll to the seaside. Though our cabin was maybe a mile away from the seashore, I didn’t particularly fancy the saunter. Jaemin was by my side, offering to warm my hand in his pocket, but I still was on the verge of freezing my ass off. I’d much rather sit by the fireplace under a few blankets with a mug of the mulled wine in my grasp. Apparently, everybody besides me was really intrigued by an ice bath and other winter extreme sports.

Though it was dangerous as fuck, Jiwoo took off her shoes and rolled up her jeans before she walked into the ice water of the sea. Being the dumbass he was, Lucas instantly followed suit.

“They seem to hit it off tonight,” I nonchalantly whispered as I elbowed Jaehyun. Jiwoo and Jaehyun might have a thing going on, but neither of them acted on it. Jiwoo was too whipped to make a move, too afraid of rejection. Jaehyun, on the other hand, was just a fuckboy, not really looking for a relationship. “Look at them. Don’t they look cute?” I carried on, cautiously watching Jaehyun’s expression. They weren’t together, but he seemed slightly jealous and frustrated watching her have lots of fun with Lucas.

In my opinion, he didn’t deserve her, but I didn’t really have a say in that matter. Jaehyun was the person Jiwoo’s heart longed for, and I, being her best friend, had to support that. Or, in this case, I had to give him a little push to get things in motion.

Jaehyun had some feelings for Jiwoo, but he needed some time and character development to fully comprehend them. Until then, it was my duty to remind him what he’s missing out on by not being serious enough to ask her out.

“Nah, I wouldn’t call them cute,” Jaehyun murmured through gritted teeth, positively jealous. “What they’re doing is dangerous; somebody has to stop them,” he added before he kicked off his own shoes, running toward Jiwoo to pick her up and bring her back to the shore.

“What was that?” Jaemin asked, being shook as to what he had witnessed.

“What was what? What do you mean?” I smirked, winking at him, hoping he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You played him,” Jaemin spoke, still impressed by how easily I manipulated Jaehyun into stepping into the scene, pulling Jiwoo away from Lucas. “Is this even legal? You’ve never done this one me, have you?”

“No, of course, not! Don’t be ridiculous,” I answered, though my tone suggested a completely different message. “You would’ve known, wouldn’t you?” I teased, chuckling at Jaemin’s funny expression. He was mortified. “I think you’re overreacting. I just pointed out some facts, and Jaehyun reacted to them according to his emotional opinion. I really didn’t do anything,” I added, defending my case.

“Don’t you ever try pulling a trick like that on me, okay?” Jaemin stated, and I nodded, giving him a promise. “I mean… I wouldn’t fall for it, but still, don’t.”

“We should head back to the cabin,” Johnny shouted, gathering the gang. Surprisingly, he seemed the most sober amongst us, so it didn’t come as a shock to me that he tried to look after his hammered friends.

In my opinion, it was a perfect call. I was slowly sobering up, and I definitely needed a refill. With my schedule packed, I had no idea when I would have a chance for another getaway, so I had to make the most out of this one.

As we returned to the cabin, Jaehyun’s eyes didn’t leave Jiwoo.

Jaemin, on the other hand, went upstairs to grab his camera, deciding it was the best time to snap photos. Of course, he had to take pictures of us when we were drunk out of our minds. Why didn’t he take any when we looked decent without smudged make-up?

“Sexy,” Jaemin commented as he pointed his camera at me. “Ahh, sexy,” he kept calling me that, and I stuck my tongue at him, wanting him to go away pester someone else. My hair was a mess, and my lipstick smudged off my lips a long time ago. “So sexy,” he carried on, making me roll my eyes at him. At some point, I tried kicking him, but that bastard was beyond my reach.

Around 2 o’clock, one by one, we began feeling tired.

Lucas was the first one to go. Considering how much alcohol he had drunk, I was surprised he lasted that long. Better yet, it was a shock he could even stand straight. Jaemin and Renjun had to escort him upstairs, but nonetheless, his alcohol tolerance was impressive.

I didn’t even realize when, but Yeri and Chenle managed to fall asleep on the couch. Firmly, Renjun shook them away, ordering them to go to their respective rooms. With tired yawns, they made their way upstairs, falling on their beds face-first.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jaemin pouted as he sat on the side of the armchair, resting his head on my shoulder. Entwining his hand in mine, he stood up, pulling me up.

“Have fun, guys. We’re calling it a night,” I announced, refraining from yawning.

“No, you have fun,” Jiwoo replied, sending us a wink. Shaking my head, I sighed before we disappeared upstairs. I don’t know what she was thinking; however, I didn’t have the energy to keep my eyes open, let alone other nighttime activities. Besides, Jaemin was just as spent. Even if we were in a real relationship, we wouldn’t engage in half-conscious unsatisfactory messy sex.

“Come here,” Jaemin whispered as he smiled. His eyes were already closed as he patted the mattress beside him, waiting for me to join. “Good job. I think we really sold it to everybody,” he added as he snuggled closer, wrapping his limbs around my body.

“That’s good,” I purred, slowly drifting into dreamland. It was a long day, and it was finally over. Though it had a rough beginning, I ended it in Jaemin’s arms. “Good night.”

“Good night, my love,” Jaemin muttered, resting his head on my pillow right beside my face.

“You were supposed to change that name,” I replied, too drunk or/and too tired to realize it was his spoken words and not a text message.

 ***

During the second week of our relationship, we grew to be less tense around each other. Better yet, we seemed awfully comfortable, almost as if that’s how everything was meant to be. It was a little bit alarming, but I decided not to point that out. Even if it was just an act, I enjoyed it much more than I’d ever dare to admit. As long as it lasted, I was to savor it.

Ever since we came back from the weekend trip, Jaemin would pop up out of nowhere at least once a day with a surprise for me, proving how over the top he could be in courting a woman.

On Monday, he spammed his social media feed with my pictures from the trip. Of course, he didn’t forget to put a corny description under it, making me flustered. Even though I wouldn’t consider myself photogenic, Jaemin managed to bring out my best features with his photography talent and editing skills.

On Tuesday, Jaemin was waiting outside the auditorium with a cute bouquet of my favorite flowers – white roses. He was there to congratulate me on passing my last exam of the semester. The professor would send us results by the end of the week, but according to Jaemin, there was no chance I’d fail it.

“I still don’t get it how you do it,” Jaemin mused, scratching his temple, trying to put two and two together. “I hardly ever see you study, but then, you panic before an exam only to nail it later on. What kind of black magic is this?” He wondered, and I giggled, unable to explain my poor studying technique. I just winged it last minute every single time in my academic career.

“You better be right about this one,” I replied, still anxious about my grade. I didn’t manage to answer all of the questions, so a passing grade would be a relief. “I’m craving pasta. Do you want t go on a celebratory date?”

“You’re reading my mind,” Jaemin said, grabbing my hand, leading me to our favorite restaurant.

On Wednesday, Jaemin invited me to a bowling alley. Every month he would visit the establishment with his friends. Only on rare occasions, their significant others were invited. None of them could really commit to a serious relationship, so it never became a repetitive custom of their group.

“You guys are disgusting,” Haechan whined after our turn. Jaemin and I were losing by an enormous margin, but we didn’t mind. We were having fun despite a low score. “But at least, we’re winning,” Haechan added, pointing at Chenle and himself.

“I am the winner here,” Jaemin boldly announced, giving my hand a light squeeze, making me almost spit my soda.

Everybody cringed at Jaemin’s bold corny statement.

“I second that,” Haechan mused, looking away from Jaemin. “She’s bearable, and you are just absolutely repulsive,” he corrected himself, and I chuckled. Never in my entire life, I thought I would agree on something with Haechan, but this moment occurred right then.

On Thursday, although my schedule was packed with work, Jaemin insisted on hanging out. Tired out of my mind, I let Jaemin inside the apartment. He was carrying Mexican takeout; I couldn’t send him back home. Not when he had goodies.

“What do you want to watch?” I asked as I handed him the remote, allowing him to choose the movie. I was going to pass out anyway, so he might’ve as well picked something he liked.

“Anything is good,” he answered as he unwrapped his quesadilla, taking a bite off of it.

“The Notebook it is then,” I teased, but since Jaemin didn’t stop me, I put it on.

Having eaten my portion of a delicious meal, I lay down on the couch, resting my head on Jaemin’s thighs. I didn’t even realize when I fell asleep. Only when the credits were rolling down on the screen, Jaemin shook me awake.

“When did you fall asleep?” Jaemin inquired, a little bit mad that I forced him to watch the ultimate romantic movie of the twenty-first century. It was toxic as hell, and the way their behavior got romanticized didn’t sit right with me.

“As soon as I lay down,” I answered honestly, as I rolled around, staring at Jaemin’s handsome face. “How did you like the movie?” I asked innocently, swiftly changing the topic. It was for the better if Jaemin didn’t find out I paid no attention to the film. Instead of a great viewing experience, it was just a mere background noise that lulled me to sleep.

“I didn’t,” Jaemin whined, tapping his foot against the floor, making me sit up instantly. “It was toxic and sad at the same time. Noah was a manipulative jerk, and Allie was moody as fuck. The only bright side of their relationship is that they ended up with each other, not ruining other people’s lives,” Jaemin spoke the truth, and I couldn’t agree more. “In conclusion, give me my 2 hours back,” he added, and I hit him with a cushion.

Unable to comprehend what I just did, Jaemin blinked in confusion. Then, a few seconds later, he smirked and grabbed another cushion, ready to fight back.

Unfortunately, our childish antics were interrupted by Jiwoo. She was hanging out with Yuta, studying for the exam they had to retake the next day. To be completely honest, she couldn’t have any worse timing. While watching a movie was explainable, it wasn’t the case when it came to an impromptu pillow fight.

“Should I come back later, or something?” Jiwoo asked, pointing at the doors, willing to leave if it meant for me to get laid.

“Nah, Jaemin’s leaving. I am trying to kick him out, actually,” I announced, sticking my tongue out.

On Friday, Jaemin and I planned on going to the arcade. Unfortunately, we had to raincheck that. One of Jaemin’s coworkers fell sick, and Jaemin had to take a double shift at the coffee shop in his neighborhood.

I already had canceled my other plans to hang out with Jaemin, so I didn’t really want to stay at home all by myself. It was a Friday night, after all. Surprising him at work seemed like a better idea. His friends liked hanging out there; therefore, it must’ve been an excellent excuse for a little bit of acting in order to keep up appearances.

Quickly, I assembled a cute outfit and put on light make-up.

About an hour before the closing, I entered the coffee shop. Except for a few students with their noses in their computers, the establishment was empty.

“Welcome to–,” Jaemin hollered, ready to welcome the customers. “Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?” He asked as a wide smile spread across his face, enjoying my surprise.

“I just came to surprise you,” I confessed, though none of us paid enough attention to the gravity of my words. I genuinely wanted to hang out Jaemin him as his girlfriend. “And I also wanted to get some discounted goodies. What do you have left?” I asked, looking over his shoulder, trying to see what food didn’t sell yet. An hour before the closing, everything on the menu was discounted by seventy percent, and I just couldn’t walk past that kind of deal.

“You’re not the only one who came for cheap stuff,” Jaemin commented as he saw Haechan and Renjun on the other side of the doors. “Take a seat, I’ll bring you your favorite,” he added, and I smiled at him, walking to the booth by the window.

Having finished my Greek sandwich, I focused on my cup of tea. I was scrolling through social media feed, giggling whenever I stumbled upon a funny meme. It was a perfect evening; complete relaxation in the rhythm of soft foreign jazz music playing through speakers, Jaemin checking up on me once every a couple of minutes.

“Oh, hi, there,” Haechan hollered as soon as he noticed me. He must’ve been returning to his table from a restroom. “I didn’t realize you’re here. What’s up?” We weren’t close, so his question was more like a polite generic statement rather than genuine curiosity.

“I’m waiting for Jaemin to finish, so we can hang out at my place,” I answered, hoping Haechan would get the suggestive tone.

“Actually, there’s something you should know,” he said quietly, looking around, probably checking if Jaemin was within earshot. “I am so ashamed it happened, but I really have to tell you something,” Haechan added, and I couldn’t wait for him to reveal the secret.

Haechan was playing dirty. He wanted to tell me about the bet, ruining Jaemin’s chance at getting me to sleep with him. It was some top-tier double-crossing, and I found it impressive. I had no clue Haechan had it in him.

“We shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know why we even agreed to this,” Haechan added, scratching the back of his head, trying to sound genuinely regretful. “I think Jaemin’s not genuine about the thing you have going on. You see, we made a bet. He has to have sex with you, or else he owes Chenle 500 bucks.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, hoping my consternation was believable. At first, I felt the temptation to say something along, yeah, I know, what’s new, but then I decided to play along. It was actually a good idea to make it seem like Jaemin’s about to lose the bet. Knowing them, they wouldn’t call it off. If anything, Jaemin could double the stakes. “No, it can’t be true. Jaemin would never –“

Now, it was my cue to make a scene. Hopefully, it would play out exactly like in my impromptu prediction.

Reaching the stage of fake hysteria, I rose from my seat and stormed to Jaemin. He was energetically wiping off the tables, wanting to leave shortly after the last customer.

“Is that true? Did you really make a bet you can have sex with me?” I yelled at him through gritted teeth. Jaemin, on the other hand, was confused as fuck. “Did you really think you could get away with it? You disgust me!” I shouted, slapping his cheek. “Don’t ever call me again,” I added before I turned on my heel, storming out of the coffee shop.

Being the only employee at work, Jaemin couldn’t run after me.

Jaemin deserved an explanation. I had to fill him in on my wonderful plan before he would blow it in front of Renjun and Haechan.

my love 💖 | 20:46 | play along

my love 💖 | 20:46 | trust me

my love 💖 | 20:47 | kick them out pls

baNANA  🍓  | 20:47 | wtf???

baNANA 🍓  | 20:48 | that hurt

baNANA 🍓  | 20:48 | I didn’t have to kick them out

baNANA  🍓 | 20:49 | they ran out a few seconds after you

my love 💖 | 20:49 | good

baNANA 🍓  | 20:49 | what the hell is going on???

baNANA  🍓  | 20:50 | I am confused

my love 💖 | 20:50 | Haechan ‘told’ me about the bet

my love 💖 | 20:50 | he wanted to double cross you

baNANA  🍓  | 20:51 | what???

my love 💖 | 20:51 | so the plan is

my love 💖 | 20:51 | they know you don’t stand a chance

my love 💖 | 20:51 | so you double the stakes

my love 💖 | 20:52 | and then bam! we win double the money

baNANA  🍓  | 20:52 | wow

baNANA  🍓  | 20:52 | you’re a genius

my love 💖 | 20:53 | I know

my love 💖 | 20:53 | and since I’m acting like I’m not talking to you

my love 💖 | 20:53 | bye 

my love 💖 | 20:54 | see you @ the party!

 ***

Everything went according to my plan. The guys thought I was pissed with Jaemin, while Jaemin still tried to convince them he stands a chance to court me. It was kind of ironic, they wanted to play me, but it was them getting played.

Together with Jiwoo and Ten, we came extra early to Jaehyun’s party. Still being stuck in friendzone, Jiwoo went out of her way to help him out. Today it meant setting up all types of decorations all over the fraternity house and preparing different kinds of snacks.

Around seven, an Uber pulled up in front of our building. Not to brag, but despite the limited amount of time, we managed to dress up to the nines.

I decided to keep it simple. My outfit consisted of a pair of skinny high-waisted black jeans, a long-sleeved sequin embellished crop top, and a pair of ankle-high boots.

Jiwoo, on the other hand, was wearing a two-piece baby pink dress and a pair of massive mid-thigh black leather platform combat boots. She looked fierce, like a weird baby of 90’s Britney Spears and Marilyn Mason.

Though Ten’s outfit looked the most effortless, it took him longer than us to put it together. Having thrown every single thing from his closet on the bed, Ten experienced a mild crisis. Even though he looked gorgeous in everything, he didn’t seem to believe us. Only after the off-hand intervention, he agreed to play it cool with a pair of ripped jeans, a black shirt with three top buttons left untouched, and an oversized leather jacket.

Once we arrived at Jaehyun’s fraternity, nothing was ready. Thankfully, it wasn’t my problem. Jiwoo was the one who volunteered to help out. Ten and I were about to vibe in the corner, letting other people arrange the place according to Jaehyun’s vision.

Trying our best not to disturb others, Ten and I watched the way the smelly fraternity sex mansion turned into a festive valentine’s manor.

“I hope she’s gonna get laid today,” I whispered into Ten’s ear, looking at Jiwoo working like a busy bee around the house.

“She better; that’s really painful to look at,” Ten agreed, looking a little bit disappointed. Jiwoo was at Jaehyun’s beck and call, and it was about time he acknowledged her feelings.

Around nine o’clock, it was getting a little bit crowded.

Music was blasting through the speakers. Some of the fratboys were already looking for their next conquest. Girls were dancing on a makeshift dance floor in the middle of the living area, suggestively swaying their hips, teasing whoever was watching with their sexy moves.

Later on, when I was in the middle of my fourth drink of the night, Jaemin finally showed up. Together with Haechan, Jeno, Renjun, and Chenle, they walked through the threshold. They all looked great, but Jaemin stood out in the crowd. After all, he was the only one to put on a suit jacket over his white T-shirt. While the rest rocked the comfortable outfits, Jaemin opted for a more elegant look.

Almost as if he wanted to impress someone. Or at least, apologize properly, trying every sly trick to make me forgive him.

Upon entrance, his eyes searched me in the crowd, and when he met my gaze, a smile stretched across his face. Shyly, he raised his hand, wanting to wave at me, but since I stubbornly turned my head around, playing my role of offended woman, he lowered it.

“I’ve seen an ATM on our way here,” Renjun commented, knowing Jaemin didn’t stand a chance of winning the bet.

“It won’t be necessary,” Jaemin replied, following me with his gaze. “I didn’t lose it yet,” he added, and the guys laughed at him. There was no way he still thought he could woo me. “I still have a few hours left; I am not going to give up.”

“You’re such a loser,” Jeno interjected as regret washed through him. Although he didn’t actively participate when the bet was placed, he didn’t oppose it. He was an idle bystander, allowing other people to ruin our friendship. It didn’t sit right with him, but it was too late. The damage was already done, and Jaemin was going to embarrass himself even further. “She doesn’t deserve any of this.”

“It’s not like that,” Jaemin started, but he refused to explain how exactly it was like.

“You’re still gonna fail,” Haechan added with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. Back at the coffee shop, he ruined Jaemin’s chance for success. “Hey there, beautiful,” Haechan spoke when his attention was snatched by one of the girls who walked past them.

Once the boys divided to greet other friends, Jaemin strolled to the kitchen. I was there, and he needed to initiate the first step of our plan.

Sincere apology.

“Can we talk?” Jaemin whispered as he reached out to grab my hand, interrupting my conversation with Ten and Yeri. “Let me explain. You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to listen to me,” he asked, and I unwillingly complied, letting him lead me toward an abandoned corner in the living area. No one could hear us talk, but at the same time, everybody could see us.

“What do you want, Jaemin,” I barked, folding my arms across my chest, startling myself with how good I managed to behave like an angry ex-girlfriend. Though it was my last semester, maybe I should change my major to professional acting.

“Wow. You’re too good at this,” Jaemin commented before he proceeded with his part. “Anyway, I made this card for you. I hope it finds you well,” he announced before he pulled an envelope out of the inner pocket of his suit jacket.

Cautiously, I took the valentine’s card out of the envelope. Once I saw the front page, I couldn’t help but laugh. Jaemin must’ve done it himself, or he stole it from Jeno’s four-year-old niece. It was all covered in hearty stickers and glitter.

Jaemin definitely wasn’t a poet. He had never stood next to one, either.

Instead of a heartfelt apology and love confession, there was a short corny message which simultaneously made me cringe and chuckle.

Are you a ba-NANA? Cause I find you a-peeling.

From Your Love

P.S. it’s from me, your Jaemin

“You’ve really outdone yourself,” I spoke, shaking my head, trying my best not to grin. I was supposed to hate him, but it was too difficult. “I am gonna walk away now. Approach me once you raise the stakes.”

Although I didn’t want to party without Jaemin by my side, it was what I had to do. Having sent him a faint smile, I turned around and walked away, giving Jaemin some time to initiate part two of our plan.

Having drunk a few fancy shots Ten had made for me, we hit the dance floor. At first, we just jumped in the rhythm. However, when the DJ played the song we had practiced at the dance studio, everybody stepped to the side, making enough room to let us perform the choreography.

With alcohol coursing in my system, my moves weren’t as precise as usual – they still earned a round of applause.

“Hey, hey, hey, are you having fun?” Drunk as a skunk, Jaehyun shouted through the microphone connected to the DJ’s console. “How about we slow up the tempo?” Jaehyun yelled, and everybody cheered, making a lot of noise. “Tonight’s the love festival, and I, the valentine’s boy, specifically request every find a person to slow dance with.”

Having set the microphone aside, Jaehyun pushed DJ away from the console, putting on his Cigarettes After Sex playlist. The first song which graced our ears was Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You.

“Can I have this dance?” Jaemin appeared out of nowhere by my side, extending his hand for me to take. “Please?” He looked into my eyes, waiting for my response, looking hopeful.

As soon as I nodded, Jaemin grabbed my hand and gently pulled me against his firm body, resting his left hand on my back, holding me still, making sure I’d not run away. With my head resting against his chest, we swayed slowly, getting lost in our little world.

“They think I am a terrible person,” Jaemin whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my skin. “They seriously think I’d try to ruin our friendship with this bet,” he carried on, and I hummed, taking an inhale, getting hit with Jaemin’s musky cologne.

The boys truly underestimated the power of our friendship. Jaemin and I told each other almost everything. It was bold of them to assume I had no idea about the bet.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied as I had closed my eyes, getting lost in the moment. “Everything will come back to normal soon enough,” I added, trying to ignore the bittersweet taste of my statement. Our fake relationship had an expiration date, and it was near.

“You’re right. Everything will come back to normal,” Jaemin repeated my words as he rested his chin on top of my head, pulling me even closer. “You’re the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had,” he added, pressing an innocent peck against my hairline.

“How many fake girlfriends have you had?” I asked, chuckling, sounding a bit jealous.

“Anyway,” Jaemin started, trying to change the subject. “The guys took the bait. And now, judging by the stupid looks on their faces, they’re shitting their pants.”

“Once the song is over, we should initiate the third phase of our plan,” I commented, wanting to be over with this. In about a minute, I was about to pull Jaemin out of the dance floor and lead him to the bathroom upstairs, where we would do the deed.

When another song from Jaehyun’s playlist echoed in the room, all the other couples kept dancing. Jaemin and I, on the other hand, were about to not so discreetly sneak upstairs.

Unfortunately, we met an obstacle on our path.

It was Jaehyun, pointing his phone at our faces.

“It’s a kiss cam. Do what you gotta do,” he spoke, and I creased my forehead in utter confusion. What the hell was he doing? What the hell was a kiss cam? It was a frat party, not a baseball match. Didn’t he have a beer pong championship to win or something?

“What?”

“Do I really have to explain this to everyone? Jesus,” Jaehyun complained, taking a deep sigh, trying to ease his irritation. “It’s Valentine’s day! I am Valentine’s boy! And this is a kiss cam. You kiss, and I take pictures,” he explained, but I wasn’t convinced. “Hurry up! I have to take like 50 more of them.”

At first, I didn’t want to do it. But then, a thought crossed my mind. Who would believe Jaemin and I had sex if I refused to give him a kiss. It was just one kiss; it wouldn’t hurt.

Having licked my lips, I smiled at Jaemin before I wrapped my hands around his neck, giving him a chaste smooch. It lasted maybe a few seconds, but it still made me uneasy. Even if it was just a brief peck, it was too much for my poor heart.

“What the fuck was that?” Jaehyun groaned in disappointment. “One more time, guys. That’s how you kiss your mother, not your girlfriend. You can do better.”

“Show him how it’s done, Jaemin,” I encouraged him, giving him permission to assault my lips, hoping it would happen to be one hell of a performance.

Having smirked, Jaemin leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against mine. Cautiously, he deepened the kiss, knocking the air out of my lungs, making my legs shake under my weight. His hands held my chin in place as his tongue slipped through my lips.

Out of a sudden, nothing else mattered. Jaemin and I were in our bubble, and despite it being a one-time thing, I wished it lasted forever. Whatever expectations I had about this moment, it wasn’t even close to reality.

Jaehyun cleared his throat, wanting to pull us out of our trance. In vain, though. I moved my lips against Jaemin’s in slow sync, letting the sweet sensation strip me of the last remains of dignity. I was to savor every second of it, basking in bliss.

“Ekhem,” Jaehyun grunted, starting to feel a little bit flustered. “You guys done?”

Once we broke apart to take a breath, Jaehyun spoke again.

“Have you seen Jiwoo, by the way?”

“Yeah, I think she went for a smoke with Lucas,” I answered casually, watching panic display on Jaehyun’s face. It was evident he didn’t fancy the newfound information. “She went outside like half an hour ago, though. I wonder what it takes them so long,” I added, planting another grain of doubt in his subconscious.

As soon as anxiety downed on him, Jaehyun bolted outside. He better, though. If Jaehyun wasn’t going to make a move on Jiwoo tonight, I was about to find another guy to ship her with.

“You did it again,” Jaemin pointed out, and I just shrugged, dismissing his comment. So what? One push in the right direction wasn’t enough for Jaehyun to grow up, so I decided to be generous enough to give him a second chance.

“Are you ready for phase three?” I asked Jaemin, but before he managed to reply, I grabbed his hand, pulling him across the dance floor. Giggling, I ran through the sea of people, not so accidentally bumping into Chenle, almost spilling his beer.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” I hollered, giggling. Now, when I had Chenle’s attention, we could sneak upstairs to proceed with the final step of our plan. “Come on, Jaemin, let’s go. I am horny,” I added, probably overdoing my part. Unfortunately, the words were already spoken. I couldn’t take them back.

Having locked the bathroom doors behind us, I jumped onto the countertop. “Don’t you think it’s a bit creepy they’re gonna eavesdrop on us bang? It’s kinda off-putting, you know…”

When Jaemin wanted to speak, somebody knocked on the doors. It must’ve been one of Jaemin’s friends, checking if we were indeed fucking. “It’s occupied,” Jaemin hollered, mentioning for me to start my performance.

“Fuck, Jaemin! Eat me out, already,” I yelled, pressing my hands against my mouth, trying to stifle my laugher. This situation was ridiculous, and I couldn’t help myself but giggle. I had only a few drinks, yet I felt like I was high as a kite. “Yes, like that! Ahhh…”

“Can’t wait to fuck that tight hole,” Jaemin played along, almost dying of alcohol-induced tittering. We were definitely having too much fun.

“Right there, Jaemin!” I screamed, holding my stomach as it began aching due to excessive cackling. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, right there,” I moaned loudly, kicking my head back. “Don’t tease me, please!”

“I gotta get you ready for my cock, love,” Jaemin growled, and I gasped, my mind conjuring the forbidden image®.

“Just fuck me! I need your cock inside of me now!” I groaned, hoping whoever was on the other side of the doors heard enough of what was going inside. “Mmmm… you stretch me out so well…” I purred, almost falling off the counter when another round of uncontrollable laughter tried to erupt from my throat.

“Fuck, you’re still so tight.”

“Jaemin! Fuck, I am close. Keep going,” I yelled, mentally preparing for the big finale. This whole act was a vocal performance, and it was time I finished. “I’m coming! Come with me!”

“It was spectacular,” Jaemin whispered so only I could hear him. “I have one more favor, though,” he added, shying away. Oh no, he was about to ask about something stupid.

“What is it?”

“It could’ve been some random dude,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head, unsure how to voice his supplication. “Give me your panties. It’ll be the definite proof.”

“You’re joking,” I deadpanned, staring into his eyes, waiting for him to say it was just a harmless prank. “You’re serious,” I added as soon as I realized Jaemin meant it.

“Come on, I won’t be sniffing them,” Jaemin nagged, and I rolled my eyes. I didn’t even think about it, but now that he mentioned it, I had another reason not to comply with his weird-ass request. “I’ll give them back, I promise.”

“I can’t believe I am considering this,” I cursed under my breath. If any other person would like such a favor from me, I’d deny it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I had a soft spot for Jaemin, so denying him didn’t come easy to me.

Hell, I wouldn’t be here if I was able to say no to him.

“You owe me big time,” I caved in, jumping off the countertop, stepping behind the shower curtain, providing myself with some privacy. “Don’t peek. Even if I slip, you gotta stay on the other side. Got it?” I added as I stuck my head through the curtain.

“Scout’s honor,” Jaemin pledged, and I rolled my eyes. He was a scout for maybe a week. His honor didn’t mean shit.

Clumsily, I took off my shoes and jeans. “Here,” I warned before I threw my panties over the curtain. “I am too sober for this,” I nagged, trying to put my skinny jeans back on.

“Let’s do celebratory shots!” Jaemin suggested, balling up my undergarments, hiding them in his pocket. “We deserve it,” he added, landing me a helping hand when I was stepping out of the shower.

“Let’s go.”

***

Needless to say, Jaemin won the bet.

Unfortunately, it meant the inevitable end of our fake relationship. It was fun when it lasted, and though I’d miss these times, it was time to set the record straight.

As we had discussed, we had to arrange our break up.

Sometime next week, Jaemin stopped by to give me half of the prize. Since the boys had been stupid enough to fall for our little charade, I received a large sum of money. It was Chenle who sponsored the prize. Because of that, I didn’t feel particularly sorry about deceiving them. After all, Chenle was so loaded; he wouldn’t notice if he lost that kind of money on the street. I could finally buy these shoes which I had been dreaming of for so long! Better yet, I'd still have some money left to spoil myself some more.

“How should we do it?” Jaemin asked quietly. Ever since he came, he avoided my gaze, staring at the floor.

“I don’t know,” I unwillingly answered. This conversation was the last thing I wanted to do right now, but it had to be done. Better sooner or later, before I’d catch some real feelings for Jaemin. I had no idea how I would pick up the pieces of my broken heart if we kept this act any longer. “Let’s just delete all posts we published. Someone will figure out something’s wrong, and when they spread the word, we’ll explain we decided to remain friends.”

Maybe I wasn’t in tears, but I felt regret wash through me. Though our relationship had never been a real thing, it felt like it.

And it hurt.

“Alright then,” Jaemin complied, rubbing his hands against his thighs before he pulled out his phone to erase any digital footprint of our brief romance. His thumb hovered over the delete button for a while. After a few moments of hesitation, when he didn’t hear any sign of protest from my side, he pressed it, sending our memories to a bottomless void. “And it’s gone.”

“Are we cool?” I asked, hoping that nothing would change between us. I had a hunch it would take me some time to get used to how things had been before the relationship fiasco. Nonetheless, I still had hope we could remain best friends without any awkwardness.

“Of course,” Jaemin answered with a faint smile, but I didn’t fully believe him. Something was off, and it bothered us. Shame that none of us dared to begin this topic.

After he left that day, we saw each other very seldom. We barely even spoke to one another. If it wasn’t for the group chats we were both in, we wouldn’t talk at all.

Jaemin had said we were cool, but it was evident we weren’t.

It was eating me from the inside out, but whenever somebody asked me about the break-up, I’d always shrug it off, confirming everything’s great. I would tell our friends nothing changed between us. There was nothing wrong; our schedules are just incompatible these days.

When I had pretended I was in a relationship with Jaemin, it was easy. It came naturally, and everyone ate it up without any second thoughts. Unfortunately, now, when I was trying to play it cool, no one seemed to buy it. Thankfully, they didn’t confront me about it. Instead, they offered me their support if I ever needed anything.

In my head, I had a few wild scenarios in which I tell Jaemin we should date for real. However, at the same time, a little devil on my shoulder was telling me it should never leave the realm of fantasy. It’s ridiculous to think Jaemin would reciprocate my feelings.

I felt as if sadness took over my body. Though I was smiling on the outside, I was filled with regret. Barely anything sparked joy these gloomy days. Even this pair of shoes, which I wanted so badly, didn’t stir any positive emotion. I bought them, but I never took them out of the box.

Jiwoo had taken me out on a few girls’ nights to make me feel better. Men are trash – she would always say when Jaehyun ignored her yet another text. Even though they had fucked each other at Jaehyun’s birthday party and agreed to become exclusive, Jaehyun still had lots of problems committing to a monogamous relationship. They hadn’t officially labeled it, but everyone knew Jaehyun was slowly caving in.

Fratboys’ habits die hard, but Jaehyun was finally shaping himself into boyfriend material. He no longer slept around, as far to my knowledge at least, but he still lacked in some departments. For instance, it would take him way too much to text back.

“You were so adorable together,” Jiwoo began after she gulped down another rum and coke. Despite her high alcohol tolerance, she was already drunk, speaking with no filter. “I mean… you were simping for him for so long, and you finally managed to jump that dick.”

“Your point being…” I inquired, finishing my drink. Though Jaemin and I had never had sex, I didn’t want to admit that. What would Jiwoo thought if I told her it was all-pretend?

“I shipped you guys so hard,” Jiwoo confessed. “Ten shipped you too, but he will never admit that,” she added, and I giggled. Now, that was an interesting take. Ten was so random at many aspects of life; it came to me as a surprise he even had an opinion on my relationship with Jaemin. “Can I just take some duck tape and put my ship back together?”

“I am not sure Jaemin would like that,” I answered with a sigh, my mood instantly decreasing.

“Nonsense,” Jiwoo replied in a heartbeat. “This guy is even worse than you,” she revealed, and I rolled my eyes, not buying this. At least a few times a week, at my lowest moments, I happened to check Jaemin’s social media updates. He didn’t seem to mope around at all.

“I find it hard to believe,” I muttered, trying not to get too emotional.

“I mean it,” Jiwoo confirmed her previous statement, eager to explain her thesis. “Jaehyun and I went on a little date to the coffee shop where Jaemin works,” she started, and I nodded, not really sure what she was getting at. Nonetheless, I let her continue. I was curious what Jaemin had been up to. And since he didn’t seem to want to tell me anything himself, I’d accept any type of second-hand information from Jiwoo. “Jaemin misses you. You have no idea how many times I caught him daydreaming. He still has your photo set on his lock screen, and he stares at it a lot.”

Now, that’s interesting.

I had no recollection of Jaemin ever setting my photo as his background picture. Even if Jiwoo was right, it meant he set after we had broken up. It made no sense at all, and I was too drunk to try to comprehend the meaning of this.

Instead, I ordered another round, trying to stifle all the brooding emotions within me.

***

February was the month of parties. Too many birthdays fell during this hectic period, and I had trouble keeping up with them. Fortunately, Ten’s party was the last one of the month. After a small get together at our place, I’d have some time off to relax by myself, most preferably, without alcohol.

Being the semi-hosts with Jiwoo, it was our duty to help Ten organize everything regarding his party. Though our trio was a little bit disorganized, somehow, we managed to get everything ready before anyone arrived.

Maybe it wasn’t comparable to birthday parties at fraternity houses; it still had its charm. It wasn’t as wild, but guests still were having a great time in the company of their closest friends. However, what was the most important, Ten had a blast.

It was his day; he deserved everything he wanted.

Trying my best not to embarrass Ten, I decided to socialize with his friends.

It was time I move on. It took me way too long to mourn a relationship that wasn’t even real. I couldn’t let my brooding mood ruin the party.

“Hmm… Ten has never mentioned you before,” I confessed, not finding it particularly odd. Ten didn’t have secretive nature; he just wasn’t the type of person to over-share. And he often forgot to even mention stuff about his personal life.

“I can’t say I am surprised,” Hendery replied, making me giggle. It was fun chatting with him. Hendery was hilarious, and he knew many secrets regarding Ten. It was my mission to get as much information from him as it was possible. I would need it for blackmailing purposes, of course.

Hiding out in the kitchen, we sipped beer and exchanged rumors as if we were two gossip girls. It was too entertaining to stop. I was incredibly immersed in the conversation; I didn’t even realize when someone tapped my shoulder.

“Can we talk?” I heard the question, recognizing the voice in an instant. It belonged to Jaemin, and it seemed to be laced with both jealousy and irritation. The way he phased his plea gave me flashbacks of the conversation we had at Jaehyun’s party.

I really wanted to continue my discussion with Hendery, but I couldn’t say no to Jaemin. It wasn’t how my brain was programmed. Besides, I missed him a lot.

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” I told Hendery before I grabbed Jaemin’s hand, leading him to my room, locking the doors behind us.

“Nothing was supposed to change,” Jaemin started as he sat at the edge of my bed, leaning forward with his upper body propped on his elbows. His gaze was trained on the floor, too frustrated to look up at me.

“I know,” I whispered as I sat down in my chair on the other side of the room. My first instinct was to kneel in front of Jaemin, kiss his forehead, and assure him that everything’s going to be alright.

Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like a good idea, so I refrained from doing so. “I am sorry, it’s my fault.”

“Don’t,” Jaemin interjected before I embarrassed myself even further. “We’re both at fault.”

Despite the loud party noises coming from the other side of the doors, my bedroom was filled with deafening silence. It was awfully uncomfortable, and it was probably a good thing. One of us would get annoyed eventually and cave in, letting out all the bottled up emotions.

“I missed you,” I admitted, staring at my hands. I was all fidgety, and although I was too embarrassed to reveal my inner feelings, Jaemin deserved to know this much.

“I missed you, too,” he genuinely confessed, showing me a shy smile. “Actually, I missed you more than I thought it was possible to miss a person,” Jaemin carried on, and I held my breath, not ready to hear whatever he had to say. “You have no idea how much I wanted to text you or call you, but ultimately decided not to because I was sure you don’t want me to.”

“Jaemin,” I spoke, not really sure what I should say next. I had too many things I wanted to tell him about. However, now when he was here, I couldn’t properly voice my thoughts.

“Are you dating this guy you were talking to in the kitchen?” Jaemin asked out of the blue, catching me off guard with this random accusation. “Or do you want to date him? You two looked like you’re having a great time together,” he added, and I rolled my eyes. At first, Jaemin acted on his jealously, but then, insecurity crept in.

“I don’t know. I met Hendery today, but he seems like a great guy,” I answered honestly, thinking of possibilities of me trying to pursing something of romantic nature with Hendery. After our brief encounter, I could tell he’s fun to be around. And honestly speaking, I might’ve considered dating him if I hadn’t already had feelings for someone else.

Unfortunately, right now, I wasn’t in the right state of mind to date. Not when I was still hung up on my best friend.

“I probably won’t, though. I like somebody else,” I confessed, gaining Jaemin’s interest. Instantly, he sat up, staring into my eyes, patiently waiting for the reveal. “I am stupid, but I like this one guy. He’s such a jerk, I can’t even… he’s been ghosting me for weeks now,” I carried on, hoping Jaemin would get the hint.

Two weeks ago, we promised each other nothing would change. Despite our good intentions, it did. Even though I hadn’t told Jaemin how I really felt, I still lost my best friend.

My silence didn’t save this friendship. I tried to bottle up my emotions to secure our unbreakable bond. It didn’t work, so I figured confessing my feelings wouldn’t do any more harm. Surely, Jaemin was going to reject me, but at least, I’d clear the air between us.

Hopefully, my confession, followed by a harsh rejection, would help me move on.

Instantly, Jaemin ran up to my chair and knelt in front of me, trying to look into my eyes. “Please tell me this jerk is me,” Jaemin urgently spoke, unable to handle any more suspense. Jaemin’s gaze was hopeful, and it was too much for me to comprehend.

“What?” I asked, still being overwhelmed by confusion. What was going on? Why was Jaemin on his knees in front of me? Nothing made sense. How was I supposed to wrap my head around it? “I mean… yeah, it’s you. Who else could it be?”

“You have no idea how sorry I am,” Jaemin confessed as he grabbed my hand and yanked me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, giving me a tight hug. “You could’ve said something… anything,” he added as he pulled back his head, placing a chase kiss against my forehead.

“I didn’t want to scare you away,” I admitted quietly, unable to break free from Jaemin’s cone-crashing embrace. I couldn’t believe he was so close. Na Jaemin was holding me in his arms, letting me listen to his rapid heartbeat.

“The worst two weeks of my life,” Jaemin spoke, once again breaking the silence. “It felt at least like two centuries,” he added, making me chuckle. Of course, it was an exaggeration, but it’s how I felt, too.

“How about we start over?” I proposed, taking a step backward to have a proper look at him. “Will you go on a date with me? This time around for real, no pretending,” I carried on, trying not to grin like an idiot.

“No.”

“What?”

What the fuck was that?

Did I misunderstand Jaemin’s words? I thought he felt the same, but apparently, he didn’t? Everything suggested he followed my flow only to crush my expectations, later on, leaving a big ass scar and more trust issues.

“I mean yes, but I should be me asking you out. Definitely not the other way around,” Jaemin clarified, making me relax. Thankfully, my mini panic attack was uncalled for. It was just my brain over-analyzing everything, conjuring the worst possible scenario.

“Then you better do your best to woo me,” I teased, wondering if he was willing enough to take the bait. It was just a mere joke, reminding me how it all began. He had wooed me once, and I wasn’t going to oppose to a second attempt. “Fun dates, romantic messages, silly gifts. I want it all,” I added, going a little bit overboard with my request list.

“Everything can be arranged,” Jaemin replied with a lopsided smile before he tightened his grip, almost crashing my bones in the process.

***

Jaemin and I began dating. This time around, it was real; no more pretending, no more stupid bets. Just two people who had discovered friendship could never be enough.

Even though I had told Jaemin I was just joking about this whole wooing thing, he refused to accept it, going to extreme lengths to make my heart flutter. I was already stupidly in love with him, yet he kept trying to make me swoon even more.

Despite our busy schedules, we made sure to see each other every day. It could’ve been a date at the arcade or just a quick coffee or a video call. In all honestly, I gladly accepted any form of contact from Jaemin.

I hated the prospect of going through a day without any message from him.

Except for many mini and maxi dates, Jaemin would also spoil me with plenty of encouraging notes of many kinds. Each massage from Jaemin was even sillier from the previous one. He never ceased to amaze me.

At first, Jaemin would stick post-it notes in different places in my room. Whenever I paid no attention, he would quickly write one for me to find it later. Whenever I saw sleep tight message stuck to my bedpost or you looked extra sexy today attached to the mirror, I smiled like an idiot, imaging Jaemin writing it.

If Jaemin forgot about post-it notes, he would always make it up to me by sending me corny direct messages. We would always text each other before sleep, and Jaemin never failed to make me smile with words such as:

If you happen to have wet dreams of me, you gotta tell me everything that happened. We can recreate it later.

I saw some sexy lingerie on my way home. Your ass would look amazing in it. I’m gonna buy it for you when I get my paycheck.

You’re the reason I wake up in the morning. Just kidding, I have to pee.

Whenever we went out, Jaemin would also scribble something either on a napkin or on a receipt. One time, Jaemin even gave a crumbled piece of paper that he was carrying in his pocket for some reason.

You know I’d give you my kidney, right? And a piece of the liver if you ask nicely. I hope you would do the same for me.

When we have kids, I’ll let you name the first one. Don’t fuck it up.

You’re my favorite pain in the ass.

You are stuck with me. You better get used to it.

Messy notes weren’t sufficient for Jaemin. Although I was more than content with the attention and affection he was giving me, it wasn’t enough for Jaemin. With each massage, he had to out-do himself.

Jaemin even wrote me a song! Or at least, he tried to write me a song.  It was really bold of him to assume I didn’t know the lyrics to Jonas Brothers’ Sucker. I loved this song, and even though I perfectly knew it wasn’t Jaemin’s piece of work, I still appreciated the gesture.

Later on, his love letters reached another level of ridiculousness. Jaemin sent me a love e-mail, and if that doesn’t prove how extra he can get, I don’t know what can.

Jaemin didn’t stop there. No, it was just a warm-up.

When I was checking the mailbox, I found a paper plane stuck in between bills. Jaemin must’ve put it there, probably after one of his frequent visits to my apartment. Though the paper plane was a little bit crumbled, I found it incredibly adorable. On its wing, it had “open me” written with Jaemin’s messy handwriting. Inside there was a corny message that turned my insides in absolute cringe.

Your wings already exist. All you have to do is fly.

A few days later, Jaemin gave me a CD with the love playlist he had made for me. Carefully, he had chosen our favorite songs and burned them on a disc. I had no means to actually play it, but I adored the gesture.

Jaemin’s creativity did not disappoint. At this point, he might send me a love letter via a fax machine, and I wouldn’t be surprised. There were no limitations to his imagination, and it was one of the many things I loved about him.

Neither of us dropped the L-bomb yet, but we really didn’t need to. Though that dreaded word has yet to be spoken, we perfectly knew how we felt about each other. We would do anything for one another; no doubt in that.

Having exceeded my expectations, Jaemin proved himself worthy of being my boyfriend. Or rather, he showed me he was way out of my league. When he was bending over backward, I was passively basking in the glory of Jaemin’s confessions. Relationships were about giving and taking, and it seemed our balance was off.

It was time we switched roles. It was only fair if I tried to creep my way into his heart the way he had been wooing mine.

As soon as I cleaned up the apartment and pampered myself a little bit, I pulled out my phone, quickly texting Jaemin. Hopefully, he wasn’t that busy.

my love 💖 | 18:12 | U want to come over?

baNANA 🍓 | 18:16 | 😏

baNANA 🍓 | 18:16 | You miss me???

my love 💖 | 18:17 |  🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡

my love 💖 | 18:17 | nvm forget I asked

baNANA 🍓 | 18:17 | 😧 😧 😧

baNANA 🍓 | 18:18 | I’ll be in an hour

baNANA 🍓 | 18:18 | want me to bring anything?

my love 💖 | 18:19 | nah, just get your cute butt over here

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | ?????

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | are you high??

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | should I be concerned?

Okay, I had an hour to prepare something for our impromptu date. It was fine; it was more than enough than I needed. The apartment was already clean, so I just had to whip something to eat and cool the bubbles.

For some reason, I felt in a celebratory mood. Whatever tempo Jaemin and I had, it worked in two week periods. We had fake-dated for fourteen days before we called it quits. Then, we didn’t talk to each other for two weeks. Tonight another period came by, and I wanted to celebrate it, hoping to break the unfortunate chain of bad luck.

The alcohol was already in the refrigerator. Having put on an apron, I opened all the cabinets around the kitchen, quickly analyzing the ingredients and what I can make out of them. It wasn’t much, but pasta would have to be enough.

It wasn’t a fancy dish, but I was made it with love, so Jaemin shouldn’t have any complaints. Pouring my emotions into the pasta was to make it extra flavorful.

When the sauce was slowly cooking on the stove, I decorated the table. I wanted to provide Jaemin with some high-end restaurant experience despite being in my cramped apartment. It was the best thing out of two words; we had all privacy in the world offered by a homely atmosphere, but at the same time, we would eat some beautifully garnished food.

Just when I was about to drain the pasta, someone knocked on the doors.

“Coming,” I hollered before I put the pot in the sink, wiping my hands on the apron before making my way to answer the doors. “Hey there, beautiful,” I greeted Jaemin with a playful remark, standing on my toes to press a brief smooch on his adorable lips. It took him off guard, but in some sense, he liked it.

“Hey, it’s my line,” Jaemin nagged when his hands found purchase on my hips, bringing me closer for another kiss since one was never enough. “What do you have there? It smells delicious,” Jaemin turned his head, trying to peek inside to see what surprise I had prepared for him.

“You know, just some carbs,” I answered vaguely, sending him a playful smirk, not wanting to ruin the surprise. I wanted him to sit down at the table and wait for me to bring the whole dish and pour us some cheap champagne.

Jaemin took off his shoes, kicking them to the side. A second later, he handed me his coat, and I put it on the hanger. Jaemin was wearing a pair of gray jeans and a mint oversized hoodie, and I drooled over this comfortable look. He didn’t have to try hard to impress me.

“Just wait here. I’ll be back in a sec,” I spoke when I guided Jaemin to the table, forcing him to sit down in the chair. Jaemin wanted to help me out in the kitchen, but I firmly refused. Tonight I wished to impress Jaemin; he didn’t have to move a finger.

“I know it’s not much, but I hope you’ll still like it,” I whispered when I put a plate in front of him. “Dig in,” I added as I sat on the other side of the table, carefully trying to pop the champagne bottle open. Though I hated doing it, too afraid of breaking something or hurting someone, tonight I wanted to try it.

“What’s the occasion,” Jaemin wondered as he fondly watched me fight with the bottle. “Do you need some help? You’re gonna hurt yourself,” Jaemin offered, genuinely concerned about my safety. However, I just turned around, wanting to finish it by myself.

It took me good five minutes to pop it. And when I finally did it, Jaemin gave me a round of pitiful applause, officially declaring it’s his job from now on.

“It was just painful to watch,” Jaemin playfully commented, and I kicked his shin under the table, showing him how much appreciated his remark was. “So… what’s the occasion?”

“Do I really need to have a reason to spoil my boyfriend?” I innocently asked, batting my eyelashes, and Jaemin smiled at the word boyfriend. We had never discussed labels, but it was self-explanatory we were in a loving relationship. “I figured it’d be nice to give you some more attention,” I absentmindedly added as I reached for my phone to play some soft EDM music through the Bluetooth speaker.

“Is that it?” Jaemin wondered, gazing into my eyes, searching for any ulterior motive I might have. “Are you sure you’re not trying to butter me up before you say something I may not like? What did you do?” Jaemin inquired, and I chuckled loudly.

“Calm down, Na,” I spoke, making Jaemin look up at me once again. I only called him by his surname when I was extra affectionate, so he was curious what I was going to say. “I just wanted to hang out with you. That’s all,” I confessed, but Jaemin scrutinized his eyes, not really buying my innocent talk. “Okay, fine. There’s one more thing.”

“What is it?” Jaemin inquired, grinning at me.

“Can’t you already tell? I am trying to woo my way into your pants, duh,” I confessed, and Jaemin choked on his champagne as he did not expect this wording. “Your heart! I meant to say into your heart,” I corrected when I realized my little Freudian slip. “Wait, no, screw it. I second that. I want to get into both.”

“You’ve already got into one,” Jaemin declared with a lopsided smirk pinned to his face. “But... if you don’t suspect it already, you’re welcome in both,” he added mischievously, taking a sip of his alcohol. I, on the other hand, looked away, feeling the heat in my cheeks.

“Good to know.”

“Where are Jiwoo and Ten by the way?” Jaemin wondered as he looked around the apartment, finding it suspicious they didn’t crash our date yet. Under typical circumstances, Jiwoo or Ten would haul another chair to the table and steal the food, third-wheeling our date.

“Ten is at the dance studio. He’s having a dance competition next week, so he goes there every time he has some free time to practice. And Jiwoo is with Jaehyun. He came here to pick her up a few hours ago. I don’t think either of them is coming home anytime soon,” I explained, smirking. We had the place to ourselves.

Finally, we could bask in each other’s company without any intrusive guests.

“I’d like to cheers to that,” Jaemin raised his glass, clinking it gently against mine.

Having eaten the food, we moved to the couch.

“What now?” Jaemin asked as he stretched his arm, resting it on the back of the couch right over my shoulders.

“I have one more surprise,” I announced before I jumped to my feet. “Wait a second,” I added before bolting to my bedroom.

“What is it?” Jaemin inquired, having no clue what else I could surprise him with. “What do you have there?” He pressed, tilting his head to the side, trying to see what I was hiding behind my back.

“Let’s take some pictures,” I announced in excitement, showing him my Polaroid camera. “I finally bought some film, and I really want our photo in my wallet,” I added as I plopped down onto the couch, resting my head against Jaemin’s chest. “You take it,” I ordered, handing him the camera. After all, he was the prodigy of photography. Besides, his hands were longer than mine.

“I think that’s more than enough,” Jaemin spoke after snapping the twelfth picture.

Having put the camera on the coffee table, he wrapped his arms around me. Jaemin pulled me on his laps, embracing me tightly, placing a round of pecks against my temple.

“Wait! One more thing,” I hollered, leaning forward to reach for the envelope which was lying on the coffee table next to our photos.

“You can’t say it’s the last thing and then bring another one. That’s not how it works,” Jaemin nagged, a little flustered that I managed to find another excuse when he wanted to cuddle. “Who are you? A fitness instructor? When you say it’s the last one, it should be the last one. You can’t come up with new ones every three minutes.”

“I promise it’s the last one,” I sat cross-legged on the couch beside him, handing him the envelope. Cautiously, he pulled the card out of it, and I looked at him, studying his expression in excitement.

“Annoyingly, I like you way more than I’d originally planned,” Jaemin read the cover of the card, smiling widely at the passive-aggressive message. “It’s already good, and I didn’t even read what you wrote inside,” he commented before he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “I don’t get it,” he added in confusion as he saw the blank page inside the card.

“It’s my love letter for you,” I clarified, but Jaemin was still clueless.

“It’s a blank page. You really have that little to say?” Jaemin asked, trying to make sense out of my card.

“That’s not how you were supposed to interpret that!” I yelled, climbing on his laps, wanting to tear the card out of his ungrateful hands. Unfortunately, Jaemin’s hands were longer than mine, so even when I was hovering over his thighs, I couldn’t reach it.

“How was I supposed to interpret that then?” Jaemin challenged, holding my hips, forcing them down on his laps.

“I wanted to write something meaningful, but I just couldn’t decide what. I have so many things I want to tell you, it wouldn’t even fit on the card,” I started, trying to find the best way to form a coherent sentence. “One way to interpret it is that you have to imagine it’s written in a very tiny font. Because I have so much to tell you, I wrote everything down, but you just can’t read it.”

“I like it,” Jaemin whispered, pressing a gentle kiss against my knuckles.

“Or you can say it’s blank because whenever I’m with you, my head is completely empty,” I added, chuckling at the corny confession. “Or you can assume there are no words to describe my feelings for you.”

“How is it possible that without writing anything, you managed to top all of my love letters?” Jaemin wondered, smiling at me. “What kind of sorcery is this?”

“No, Jaemin. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. I loved your love letters. They were silly, but at the same time, I could feel you really meant everything,” I reasoned, looking down at Jaemin’s lips, slowly leaning in for a delicate kiss.

“Okay, I have an idea,” Jaemin suddenly spoke as he grabbed my butt and threw me off his laps. “I need a pen,” he added, looking around the living room, finding the pen on the coffee table. In a hurry, he scribbled down something on the blank page of the card, making sure I couldn’t peek. “Here, I found my way to interpret it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” Jaemin answered confidently, handing me the card. “Read it out loud for me.”

“Okay, I guess,” I cleared my throat before I opened the card. “My beloved Jaemin,” I read, looking at Jaemin’s face with a raised eyebrow. This was going to be good.

“Carry on,” he urged, and I shook my head, unable to believe I was going to do it.

“You’re the most handsome man I have ever seen. You’re also the smartest and the funniest. Not to mention, you’re the best kisser in the world. What the fuck is this?” I interjected, having doubts, knowing it was a bad idea.

“Just keep reading, babe,” Jaemin ordered, wanting me to carry on with his antics. “Though you’re no poet, it’s, by a huge margin, the best love letter I have ever received,” he added, blowing his ego way out of proportion, and I rolled my eyes.

“Now, when I look at you, I understand there’s not a chance I wouldn’t fall for you. So, since there’s not much space left, I just wanna tell you that I love you. I really love you, Jaemin.”

Before I managed to complain that he forced me to say the L-word first, Jaemin interjected.

“Finally, took you long enough,” he teased, and I sighed, wondering where to hit him first. “As if you haven’t figured it out yet, I love you, too.”

“You’re impossible,” I commented, still not quite sure if we just confessed to each other.

“I’m impossible not to fall in love with,” Jaemin corrected, once again hauling me back on his laps, taking my breath away with a fervent kiss. “How about you show me how you want to get into my pants, babe?”

Having had enough of Jaemin’s teasing, I decided not to comply with his request.

“I think you should go.”

“You’re right,” Jaemin agreed too quickly, and it made me alert. “Let’s go to your room because once I start pounding into you, I will not stop even if a group of nuns was about to break in and steal all of your shit,” he added as he picked me up, carrying me to my bedroom.

“You’re impossible,” I repeated my words when Jaemin threw me onto my bed before he landed on it right beside me.

“I think we’ve already discussed this,” he remarked, reminding me of the remark he had given me earlier. “So… where were we?” Jaemin asked as he put his hand on my side, pulling me closer. Soon enough, his palm slipped under the hem of my shirt, caressing my skin.

“Is it weird that the only thing I can think about is you eating me out?” I wondered out loud, stripped of all remains of dignity. Jaemin was in my bed, and I was planning on taking full advantage of it.

“Not at all, love,” Jaemin replied, showing me his eager smile. Quickly, he sat on his calves between my legs, taking his time to take off my jeans. “I thought about eating you out way too often ever since that thing in the bathroom,” Jaemin confessed as he threw my jeans across the room.

Though my panties were still on, Jaemin began his teasing. His soft lips trailed across my thighs, driving me crazy. His lips touched every inch of my skin except for the area I wanted the most. At this point, my panties were dripping wet, yet he didn’t even think of pulling them to the side, giving attention to my much-ignored core.

“You’re killing me,” I whispered, slowly losing patience. If Jaemin kept up with his antics, I’d combust out of sexual frustration. “Bold of you to assume I won’t let you taste your own medicine,” I warned Jaemin. It worked because as soon as I voiced my mischievous threat, Jaemin’s finger hooked under the hem of my panties, quickly pulling them down my legs.

“You’re no fun at all,” Jaemin clarified before his lips finally landed on my clit, making me buckle my hips in an instant. Slowly, his mouth moved against my sweet spot, and I arched my back with each swirl of his tongue.

Though he barely started, I could feel the electricity coursing through my body. In my state of permanent frustration, it wouldn’t be difficult for Jaemin to make me come against his mouth.

Getting into it, Jaemin squeezed my hips, trying to keep me still when he ate me out. His jaw was dripping in my juices as he made his way down to lick my folds.

“Fuck,” I moaned loudly when Jaemin’s nose rubbed my clit when he was running his tongue all over my entrance. “I think I am gonna come,” I admitted what made Jaemin smirk through the kiss. Jaemin barely touched me, but I was already close.

“Come for me,” Jaemin urged, releasing my hips from his firm grip. Now when I could buckle my hips against his face, my orgasm was just seconds away. With my hand in his hair, I rocked my hips, basking in pleasure.

“I need your fingers,” I begged, and Jaemin quickly obeyed my shameful plea. I expected him to tease me further, denying me his long fingers, but he was kind enough to do anything to make me come.

Thanks to my juices and Jaemin’s saliva, his two fingers slid right in.

“Fuck,” I shouted at the top of my voice when the wave of pleasure shot right through me. Jaemin’s jaw still played with my clit as he continued his actions throughout the orgasm.

“You blew my mind, Jaemin,” I muttered after I regained my focus after he had made me come on his face. “I came so hard,” I confessed, smiling like an idiot. It was way too long ever since someone made me feel this good.

“You better get used to it because I am planning this to be a frequent occurrence,” Jaemin whispered, looking at my face as if it was an art piece. “Do you have condoms?” he casually asked as he pulled down his jeans. His erected cock was restrained in the denim fabric, and Jaemin needed to get rid of it.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” I replied as I opened the bedside table and threw a brand new package of condoms at Jaemin’s chest. “Jiwoo got me those after she walked on our pillow fight the other day. Apparently, she doesn’t want any cum stains on the couch.”

For a while, we were lying on the bed, staring at each other. Jaemin gave me some time to recover from my orgasm. According to him, I needed to take breaks because he didn’t want to over-stimulate me too soon.

“I really love you,” Jaemin confessed genuinely, and I quickly rolled closer to him, giving him another chase smooch. His confession was music to my ears, and I could listen to it on repeat without getting tired of it.

“I love you, too,” I quickly replied, leaning in for another kiss. With his hand on my cheek, he deepened the kiss, giving us another chance to get lost in the love trance.

Having thrown my leg over his hipbone, I hovered over his erection.

“Let me take care of you,” I said as I pulled away from the kiss. With a playful smirk upon my face, I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Slowly after, my bra followed suit, and Jaemin grunted upon seeing me completely naked in front of him.

“Sexy,” he purred before he eagerly took off his hoodie, throwing it onto the floor. “On a second thought, maybe you should put something on. You’re too sexy, and I’d like to last longer,” Jaemin explained, handing me his hoodie so I could cover myself up. “No, it’s even worse. Take it off,” he changed his mind after seeing me in his clothes.

Carefully, I pulled Jaemin’s boxers down his legs, letting his rock hard cock spring free. Biting on my lips, I grabbed his erection, giving it a few gentle strokes.

“Fuck it, I am ready,” Jaemin yelled, placing his hand over mine, making me stop. “You have all the time in the world to blow me. Right now, I want to feel you,” he added, quickly pulling out a condom from its packaging.

“Let me at least roll it down for you,” I offered, and Jaemin sighed, weighing his options.

“Nah, I am not willing to take that risk,” Jaemin answered, proceeding to wrap his cock by himself. “Now, come here, sit down on it,” he urged, and I shook my head. Smiling like an idiot, I guided his cock towards my entrance, slowly sinking down on his length.

“You’re good?” I asked, trying to guess what was going on inside his brain. Judging by his sour expression, he must’ve been thinking about something terrible in order to stop himself from coming too soon.

“Yes, everything’s cool,” he reassured, and I took it as permission to gently rock my hips back and forth. Whenever I moved, Jaemin kept grunting quietly. Apparently, he also suffered from sexual frustration.

My hands were wandering all over his muscular chest, admiring his athletic built. My hips were moving at a steady rhythm, but whenever I happened to increase the tempo, Jaemin would slow me down with a firm grip on my hips.

“If you keep doing that, I might spank you,” Jaemin warned me, but it only made me want to disobey more. “Why did I even expect you to be a good girl?” Jaemin asked, rolling his eyes.

“Spank me,” I ordered, trying my best not to chuckle. “I dare you,” I added, pushing the right buttons. “Like that,” I moaned when Jaemin’s hand collided against my butt, shaking me with newfound excitement.

“You’re impossible,” Jaemin comment, still in shock after discovering how much into spanking I happened to be.

“I’m impossible not to fall in love with,” I remarked, using Jaemin’s own words against him.

Unable to handle my teasing, Jaemin sat up. “I love you so much,” Jaemin stated once again before he looked at my lips, kissing them. Now, when I was distracted by his tongue, it was easier for him to control my movement.

In our upgraded position, I significantly slowed down. Carefully, I moved up and down Jaemin’s cock, while he sneaked his hand between our entangled bodies, rubbing my clit. I was close, and I was about to come again.

I didn’t know what he was so self-conscious about. No doubt I would come first.

“Jaemin, I am coming,” I breathed out, messing up my rhythm. It was difficult to maintain the same tempo when Jaemin was playing with my clit. Jaemin’s lips moved down my neck, finding a perfect spot on my collarbone to leave a hickey.

“Me, too,” Jaemin whispered as he began thrusting from underneath me, now desperate to push the both of us off the edge. “You’re so tight, fuck,” he cursed as my walls started to swell around his throbbing cock.

Jaemin moaned against my skin, muffling his sinful sounds. I, on the other hand, screamed Jaemin’s name at the top of my voice, telling everybody in the world he was the person, making me feel this good.

Having fallen onto the sheets, we looked into each other’s eyes. We were panting as if we just ran a marathon. Not that I had any doubts, but Jaemin turned out to be a passionate lover, and it made me love him even more.

“You’re beautiful,” Jaemin complimented me, staring at my face in utter admiration. “I am so lucky,” he added, and I moved closer, snuggling up to him. It was still early, but I was so fucked out, I could fall asleep right there in his arms.

Having pulled me closer to his chest, Jaemin threw a duvet over our sweaty bodies. His fingers were tracing shapes on my shoulder when he pressed yet another peck against my temple.

“Are you down for another round?” Jaemin asked as he discarded the full condom. His cock was still semi-hard. In a few minutes, Jaemin would be ready for some more. “It’s cool if you’re not,” he added, trying not to put any pressure on me.

“I want you to do me all night,” I confessed, looking over my shoulder at the clock. It’s only 8 pm, and I could stay up till daylight with Jaemin.

“Do you want to go bowling tomorrow?” Jaemin asked, and I eagerly nodded. It was fun the last time I had joined the boys on their monthly trip to the bowling alley. Besides, I would be the first woman to break the unfortunate one-time-only curse. I couldn’t wait to show up two months in a row.

“I’d love that,” I answered, snuggling closer to Jaemin’s side.

In content, we basked in happiness until Jaemin regained enough energy to go for the third time. However, this time around, it was slow and steamy. Under the covers, Jaemin crawled on top of me, kissing every inch of my body.

“Do you want to roll it down on me? I think I can handle that,” Jaemin asked, and I reached for the condom, carefully rolling it down his length. “I wish I could fuck you without one, though,” he added, and I flicked his forehead, making him whine. “I’ll pull out.”

“I trust you, but it’s still a no from me,” I replied, guiding his cock into my entrance. Inch by inch, Jaemin pushed himself all the way in. “You fill me up so well,” I praised, purring into his ear. “I love your cock.”

Distance between our bodies was practically nonexistent. Jaemin was slowly snapping his hips, rubbing his pelvic bone against my clit, turning me into a moaning mess. I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbors called the police because of all the noise coming from my bedroom.

“One day, you’ll let me fuck you raw. I’ll make sure you do,” Jaemin carried on, and I hissed, feeling the approaching orgasm. I didn’t even bother to comment on Jaemin’s statement. I was whipped for him. I knew I wasn’t able to maintain my assertive stance for long. Eventually, I’d cave in, letting him fuck me without a condom. It wasn’t today, though.

“In your dreams, lover boy,” I answered, but Jaemin just giggled, knowing I wasn’t serious.

“You have no idea how many times we’ve done it raw in my dreams,” Jaemin confessed as he picked up his pace, pounding into my pussy, making me moan at the sudden speed. “One day, I’ll tell you all about my fantasies, but right now, I really want this pussy to cream around my cock,” he added, his filthy words making my walls squeeze around his length.

“You wait until I tell you mine,” I challenged with a smirk. If Jaemin thought he was the only one with a dirty mind, he was seriously mistaken. While most of my fantasies were PG-13, there was still a large portion of naughty scenarios. Now, when Jaemin and I were finally together, it would be fun to try to recreate at least some of them.

“You better come because I can’t go much longer,” Jaemin warned me, pounding in and out, chasing his own release. “Fuck,” he yelled, falling on top of me as he shot his load into the condom. His cock twitched inside of me as he moved slowly, riding out his orgasm.

“Jaemin,” I hollered, coming undone underneath him. Despite the other peaks, this orgasm hit me the hardest. For a brief second, my vision turned black as I gave in to the pleasure.

Breathlessly, I lay in the sheets, slowly descending from my high.

“I think all I can do tonight is cuddle,” I commented, feeling too fucked out to engage in any other form of affection. “I don’t think I can walk.”

“It’s okay. I can carry you around the house,” Jaemin answered, finding a solution for my problem. Having pulled his limp cock out of me, Jaemin rolled down another condom, putting it aside.

“What is it?” Jaemin asked as he heard a noise from the living room.

“It sounded as if someone was knocking on the doors,” I spoke, trying to identify the sound. “It must be a courier for Jiwoo. She keeps ordering stuff online. It’s probably the late evening delivery she forgot about. Can you get it?”

“No problem, babe,” Jaemin answered as he put on his jeans, walking around the bed to answer the door.

At first, I wanted to wait for Jaemin in bed. However, it’s been like three minutes, and he didn’t come back, so I found it weird.

Having put on Jaemin’s hoodie and a pair of leggings, I made my way out of the room.

Jaemin was standing by the doors, looking inside a plastic bag. Whatever it was, it smelled like Thai food. Unfortunately, it didn’t explain anything. We were here alone, and we didn’t order anything.

Just when I was about to open my mouth and ask Jaemin what the hell was going on, Ten walked out of his room. It was strange, but I saw him leave, and I didn’t hear him come back.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked angrily, trying to hide my embarrassment. If he was here the whole time, he must’ve heard us having sex.

“I live here, duh,” Ten answered matter-of-factly, choosing not to give me the explanation which I desperately needed. “I think it’s mine,” Ten spoke as he walked up to Jaemin to take his Thai takeout.

Although Jaemin and I were standing in the living room in complete consternation, Ten didn’t seem to pay any attention to it. In front of his bedroom, Ten stopped in his tracks, turning his head to face me.

“Congratulations, by the way,” Ten spoke, making me even more embarrassed. “Three times, wow. It’s impressive. Don’t fuck this up, dear. He’s a keeper,” Ten added, sending me a playful wink before he disappeared inside his room.

[katyspersonal]

Hey guys

I just... idk, I want to thank everyone who leaves me very nice comments - direct or ones in reblog tags - but I also feel kinda sorry for not being responsive enough.

I have - always have had - incredible trust issues, that only kept growing with years, and with more negative experience. :s It is not that I am taking all this encouragement and positivity for granted, I cherish every single good vibe shown my way, trust me I do. But, it is even deeper than simple shyness, what makes me unable to react ‘enough’.

I kinda just... got used to the internet as this space where people take “friendships” for granted and are being parasocial. Where they can be worried sick for you when you merely feel sad, where they wish you good morning and good night every time, where they send you memes catering to your specific tastes and tell you how much they value you and how much they are excited to see you grow and thrive - only to one day throw you away like the trash that you are, in one instant, for the reason they never even communicated.

It never had to take a deep emotional drama. I’ve had a few big ones, I know it. You know it. But more often than not it had to be some dumb shit I never could have predicted. Them having been uncomfortable with me all along and never telling me to fix my habits until the boiling point made them just block without a word. Them having a bad word about me from years ago and not wanting a “trouble”. Them fandom shifting, ffs. I mean... fair, I guess? “This is just the internet, connections here are not real :/”, I guess. I just struggle with this stuff. Because of how my brain works and how I see communication that truly matters, for me internet friendships and irl ones are blurred very much. So it hurts, a lot. It hurts to feel so “loved” only to be tossed aside as if I’ve never been there, and realise that people can throw very warm and significant words around.

To add to it, every time I decide to open up, every time I decide that this time things will be different - things go WRONG. Either I ruin everything, or another person happens to stab me in the back. And now I feel as though I’ve gone past the point of no return. That now, no amount of warmth and love and support can convince me of genuine sympathy. It still feels like just a prank that is going on for too long - despite the crisis some of you stuck with me through (if you know then you know).

I just... sometimes I wonder, how much more time should pass, before ‘better safe than sorry’ becomes ‘I am sorry I have been too safe’. It just hurts me if things feel very one-sided with me. Because I just know even if it is too late for me, there are genuine and good people around me, and I value you guys. I mean- Remember I also made a post like, ‘send me art requests’? I still only finished one of those - because I am SOOOOO used to only getting one or maybe two, but I got so many that I just... I still can’t believe it was real :s It is not that I am lazy or not thankful, I just... I am not used to it.

But I still read what you leave in the tags or sometimes comments, and it still feels very nice. Thank you. I just wish it was a better life period.

[prioritysope]

Trust

Reader: Female

Character: Hawks

Rating: Explicit

Summary: After a long day, you arrive home, finding a letter saying that your fiancé. Takami Keigo, is cheating on you. So you decide to confront him, he denies these accusations and he decides to fuck those thoughts off of you.

Tags: Established Relationship, Angst, Mirror Sex, Vaginal Sex, Breeding, Oral Sex (f. receiving), Degradation, Dacryphilia, Slight Orgasm Denial, Slight Praise, Edging, Swearing, Dirty Talk, Overstimulation, Choking, Daddy Kink.

At this rate, you no longer knew how many hours you had been crying, but when you looked at yourself in the huge full-length mirror that was in the corner of the room, you noticed your eyes already swollen and red. Just remembering the reason for your tears, more fell on your cheeks and you were already physically and emotionally tired to continue.

When you got to the apartment you share with your fiancé, Hawks, you noticed an envelope as soon as you walked in. Frowning, out of clear confusion. You looked at the clock that was in the living room.

7:15 pm

There were still a couple of hours until Keigo returned from his patrol. You looked doubtfully at the envelope that was in your hands. It had your full name in some ugly handwriting. Inside you felt a hunch, because the letter did not contain the address of the apartment, so the person had to know where you lived and bring it themself. You went to the room you shared with Hawks.

“I hope this is joke from Keigo or some neighbor.” You whispered to yourself while looking for a razor to open the envelope. Finding it, you sat on the edge of the bed. Your hand was shaking a little, but you were able to tear the happy envelope and remove the paper that was there. You left the torn piece of paper on the bed, keeping the letter. With some fear you opened the letter.

You read everything calmly. The tears did not stop falling down your cheeks until some fell on the piece of paper. You couldn’t believe what you just read. Hawks cheating on you? It was impossible. You doubted with all your heart the fact that your boyfriend, now fiancé, from five years ago is unfaithful to you. However, you were also beginning to think that it was true, so you decided that you would face him and have him confirm it himself.

You were in a complete trance, still standing in front of the mirror; however, the sound of keys and a door opening pulled you out of it. You felt an electric current run down your spine, knowing that Keigo came from his night patrol.

“I’m here, baby!” You heard Hawks voice. You went to bed, took the letter, placing it in the back pocket of your shorts. Each time you heard his footsteps approaching the room, which caused more nerves in you. You swallowed hard when Keigo walked in, his face was relaxed, but as soon as he saw your face, it changed drastically. “Y/n, love. What’s wrong? Are you feeling bad?”

You felt like you were short of air. Seeing his worried face made your blood boil. Your lips parted, as if you were going to say something, but nothing came out. Although you are almost nowhere to explode from anger and sadness, the nerves would not leave you.

Hawks approached you, standing a few inches from your body. His right hand rested on your waist, trying to get close to his body. However, with some force, your right hand hit Keigo’s cheek, making him turn his head to his right. The impact was strong, that his cheek began to turn red. He looked at you confused at your action. He brought his left hand to rest on his own cheek, gently massaging it.

“What was that for?” His voice was deep, it sounded mad, but there was still a hint of concern in his gaze. His golden eyes sparkled.

You let out a sigh, relaxing a bit.

“How much longer are you going to pretend you love me?” You let out almost screaming as the tears threatened to come out again. You wanted to swallow everything and be strong, but just imagining your partner kissing and touching another person in the same way that he does with you, it hurts like a thousand daggers in your heart.

“Pretend? What the fuck are you talking about?” There was clear confusion on his face at your accusation. He tried again to get closer to you, but again you pushed him away. You needed a lot of explanations. “Love, tell me what’s going on. You’re worrying me.”

“You have a minute to explain this shit to me.” You snapped, throwing the letter in his face, which he took a long time to take. He opened it with some curiosity in her golden eyes. She read everything calmly, frowning at hers. Her gaze shifted from the piece of paper to you. He gulped loudly. “Time is running out, Takami.” You warned.

“Y/n, babe. I can assure you this is false. You know I hardly have time for you in general because of the many missions the Commission orders me to do. You have to trust me, sweetie.” Keigo whispered, as he took your hand again, this time you let him. He pulled you close to his body, feeling a certain warmth to wrap you around. It was incredible that you had a few words from Keigo and you were already believing him, but this time, you felt a great distrust in all this.

How did he pretend that with that you would already believe him? How did he pretend that with that you would already believe him and everything will be as if nothing? Although you hated yourself for mistrusting him so easily, for he never gave you reasons to doubt him. However, it was not so easy when it would not be the first time you were cheated on. and everything will be as if nothing? Although you hated yourself for mistrusting him so easily, for he never gave you reasons to doubt him. However, it was not so easy when it would not be the first time you were cheated on.

“I know I shouldn’t doubt you, but this is all very weird, Keigo. This came to me today. Who is going to want to separate us when we’ve been together for four years? At this rate, I don’t think anyone.” You said against his chest, letting a couple of tears fall down your cheeks, again. They both stayed like that for a couple of minutes, totally silent. After a while, Hawks attached you more to his body, being able to feel something hard brush your thigh, causing you to abruptly separate from him. You looked at him with an arched brow, gently denying him. You couldn’t believe this. “Please tell me that you haven’t been turned on by this whole situation.”

“Can you blame me? If you look extremely sexy while you’re angry and with tears on your beautiful face. It makes you want to rub your face on the mattress while I penetrate your tight pussy like there is no tomorrow.” Hawks murmured, a smirk on his lips.

Your cheeks turned a crimson color at the words that came from the hero’s lips. No matter how long they were together, you were always surprised by the fact that Keigo turned almost everything to something sexual and many of the times he managed to get you where he wants you. You wanted this time to be different, you wanted to stand firm.

“The real question here is. Why the hell do you think about those things? We’re practically in the middle of an argument over alleged infidelity on your part. But you act like you don’t care in the least.” You said with clear annoyance in your voice.

“Come on, princess. It pains me to know that you doubt me, when I have never given you reasons to think that I am truly unfaithful to you.” Now it was Hawks who seemed irritated with the whole thing, which pissed you off even more. “Let me show you how much I love you and that you are the only one in my life.”

You felt it was stupid for him to get mad. The one who should be furious is you, and so you were. You felt your blood boil with each word and attempt to touch you that Keigo gave. Your hands made fists, but it was so strong, even the knuckles looked a little white. Your mind was blank, your throat felt dry.

Keigo approached you again, but this time you stayed still in your place. She grabbed you by the waist to turn you around and get back to the mirror. You felt his hands walk through your curves. From your waist, he went down to your thighs, which he spread to your breasts. You kept your gaze on the ground, you wanted to keep your dignity.

“Look in the mirror.” Hawks said with a commanding tone. You bit your lower lip, trying to suppress any sounds that wanted to come out of your mouth. Then you felt your fiancé’s hand wrap around your neck, making you look at your own reflection in the mirror. You felt the various rings on his hand. “Don’t play hard, baby. I can bet how wet you are for me.”

With those words, your boyfriend slid his free hand down your side. You cursed wearing only your boyfriend’s shirt and your panties. Hawks’s hand went straight to your crotch. You tried to close your thighs, but this one did not allow it. His hand wandered under your shirt, so he could touch your hot skin more directly. Going up to your chest, taking one and squeezing it a bit. He also pinched your nipple to continue his way south. He reached for your panties, entering slowly. His long fingers trailed over your wet folds, drawing a gasp from you.

Your breathing began to shake at such stimulation. Sometimes Keigo brushed your ignored clit, making you moan. You hated the fact that he had so much power over you and your body. A big part of you wanted to push him and continue the discussion, but your other part wanted to play along. And the way things were going, it would all end with the second option.

“You look so beautiful in my shirt, too bad you won’t last long with it on.” He whispered in your ear, kissing your ear and then biting the lobe. Such action elicited a somewhat high-pitched moan from you, quickly flushing with embarrassment. You practically threw your dignity to the ground, all because you were weak to the blonde’s touch. “Keep making those sounds for me, princess.”

As the minutes passed, everything became too hot, you did not know if it was because of the heat or the situation so compromising. Hawks slid his hand out of your underwear, then down until he could throw it across the room. With care, he began to spread kisses down the back of your thighs, also sliding his tongue and leaving some bites.

“So beautiful… so perfect. I don’t know how you can believe that I have been cheating on you, if all I want is to get home so I can see you and fuck you against the mattress.” He whispered towards your skin, leaving one last bite in your soft skin.

“N-no, s-stop.” You begged still with heavy breathing. You didn’t even know why you kept asking him to stop, when deep inside you wanted him to go on and fulfill his promise to fuck that idea out of your head.

“Come on princess. I know you’re a good girl, don’t be a brat.” Keigo whispered against your ear. You could feel his breath against your neck, making you squirm under his touch. He moved away from your body for a while. Out of the corner of your eye you could see Hawks making his way to the speaker in the corner of the room. He turned it on, quickly connecting his phone and going to Spotify. “I hope you’re ready, baby. Because I won’t stop until you understand that you are mine and I am completely yours.”

With the first few seconds of the melody playing loudly, you could easily recognize the song: Into It by Chase Atlantic. Currently now everything was more in the mood.

You heard soft footsteps behind you until you felt your boyfriend’s hands on your waist. Then he took the shirt you were still wearing, pulling it off easily. You were completely naked in front of his eyes, which were filled with lust. You felt like he was fucking you just by seeing you, which made you a little flustered. Keigo is usually extremely passionate, but when he’s jealous or angry, everything gets wilder. Leaving you without the ability to walk the next day.

With both hands, Hawks spread your butt cheeks, giving himself a good view of your dripping pussy for him. He slowly licked his lips. He desired to devour you as if you were his last meal. There is nothing more Keigo loves, than eating your pussy with devotion. Also adding his fingers, to ride your orgasm, seeing your legs shaking and moaning his name as if it was the only thing you could say.

With the music still going, Hawks decide to continue. With his right hand, he brushed against your womanhood, making you gasp slightly and throwing your head back. His hand felt cold, but it felt good. With two of his fingers, he traced soft, slow circles across your neglected clit. You bit your lower lip, you felt faint with something so simple, causing you to hold the mirror tightly.

Takami scooped up some of your fluids, bringing those same fingers to your mouth. You opened your mouth, taking both digits. You moaned as your fluids made contact with your tongue. You ran your tongue through both thick fingers, until you felt like you were choking because Hawks introduced them to your throat.

“Taste your own juices, darling.” He murmured, his voice huskier and deeper than normal. “Your lewd expressions… so sexy.” You let out a surprised gasp at a new sensation until you lowered yourself to your breasts, seeing Hawks’s other hand with one of his feathers circling your nipples. If before with only his fingers you were already twisting, now it was more. Keigo pulled his fingers out of your mouth, spreading some of the saliva on your cheeks and going down to stroking your clit again.

“K-Keigo-” You stifled a groan when your boyfriend pinched your clit, sending you waves of pleasure mixed with pain. You arched your back a little, moving towards him a little, looking for more contact and only received a spank from him.

“Use your big girl words.” He groaned, spanking you again, leaving his five fingers etched into your smooth skin. You tried to speak, but now Keigo began to stimulate your clitoris more, probing those same fingers through your wet entrance; but without penetrating you. “I told you something.”

“I need your fingers, please. Fuck me.” You begged, letting out a sigh. You lowered your gaze to the mirror in front of you, seeing your own face. Totally flushed, strands of saliva running down the corner of your lips and onto your cheeks. Also some tears running down your cheeks, because of the pleasure that was beginning to invade your body. “Please.”

“Your wishes are orders, princess.”

By the reflection of the mirror you saw the malicious smile on his lips. He circled your entrance, then inserted his index finger. He slowly thrusted that finger in and out, enjoying your tightness and wetness. You were so wet, even your own fluids were sliding down your thighs. After minutes, he added a second finger, to make his thrusts harder and deeper. His fingers touched places you thought were impossible. You tried to suppress your moans and gasps, but it was impossible.

“You’re taking my fingers so well.” I have let out a deep growl, without stopping the thrusts. With his thumb, he made circular motions on your clit; giving you an immense surge of pleasure. You lifted your pelvis, riding his fingers, seeking more pleasure. “My dirty little slut so desperate.” He continued with his work inside you, while with the feather he had in his other hand, sliding it down your stomach.

Little by little you began to feel the familiar knot in your abdomen, you arched your back. Your moans were more constant. Every second your orgasm was getting closer and closer, and you were hoping that the fact that you were clenching around your boyfriend’s fingers would notice and make you cum. However, when you were about to, Keigo pulled his fingers out of nowhere, leaving you feeling empty inside and clenching around nothing.

A whimper escaped your lips, giving the blonde a pleading look, but he only gave you a mocking smile.

“Were you going to cum? Oh, I didn’t realize, do you want me to continue?” His tone of voice was sarcastic, totally making fun of your state as he admired you in the mirror. He slapped your sloppy cunt a couple of times, eliciting a high-pitched moan from you.

However, Hawks didn’t even give you time to respond when he already had you lying on your back in the center of the bed. Fully open legs. Your boyfriend looked at you just like a hunter to his prey. He was still wearing his hero clothes, pulling a pout out of you. You wanted to see his bare naked body.

Keigo stood in front of the bed, his eyes glued to your body. He loved to admire every inch of your body before devouring you. He slowly began to remove his clothes, tossing them to the sofa that was on the corner of the room. Once naked, with a smirk on his lips, he climbed onto the bed. He leaned between your legs, taking your thighs in his hands. He deposited a bunch of kisses and bites on them, before coming face to face with your throbbing cunt. With two of his fingers, he parted your folds, revealing your entire core. You heard how Hawks spat on your clit and with those fingers he scrubbed everything.

You arched your back when you felt the blonde’s tongue pacing from your entrance to your nervous little friend. Then the same two fingers enter your interior again. The movements were slow, while he kept playing and stimulating your clit with his mouth and tongue. You tried to hold back the moans, not even biting your lip could do it. Hawks was like this for a couple of minutes, constantly driving you to orgasm, but stopping just in time. Which made you whimper as you squirmed under his hands.

“So fucking good.” He moaned against your clit, his voice rough with lust.

A high whine left your lips as your back arched. Your hands reach down and dig into the messy blonde hair you loved so much. Dragging his fat wet tongue up and down your slit.

After hanging around you for a while, he removed his fingers from inside you and brought those same fingers to his mouth, letting out a growl.

He settled between your legs, lifting them until the back of your knees were in his arms. You were totally open to him, which made you blush.

“I’m gonna fuck you dumb. So dumb that all you’re to do is moan nothing more than my name.” Hawks growled. Hi slips found yours once again in the night.

The pair of you moaned as his tip slid along your entrance, but once you felt him bottom out inside, you couldn’t hold back your loud moan. The pressure of his cock against your cervix was all encompassing.

“God dammit…” Hawks moaned, teeth sinking into your neck as he rocked his hips into you. His eyes were glowing with determination and awe.

Hawks’s soft groans filled your ears as his thrusts grew in strength and pace, his cock pistoning into you with enough force to shove your back onto the bed.

“Oh god.” You cry out, trying to catch your breath as the brutal warmth from before returns. Your entire body was trembling with need of reaching your precious orgasm.

Hawks snapped his lips onto yours. His mouth moved in sync with yours, making it hard to breathe but you could care less as his sweet taste coated your tongue. You let yourself become lost in his touch.

He continued to whisper naughty things into your ear, his hand eventually wrapping around your throat as he makes sure you look into his eyes when you stumble over the edge.

“Such a cockhungry slut.” He hisses under his breath.

You feel the pulsation of his cock against your spongy walls, his hands nervously roaming your body and groping one of your tits, as he continues to abuse your throbbing cunt.

“S-So good…so fucking good, nngh-” Your little whimpers and whines are slurred, barely coherent as the feeling of being filled to the brim pushes you into a haze of pleasure.

A deep, guttural moans leaves the both of you when he pulls himself out of your tight hole, dragging his huge cock along the walls of your little cunt in the most deliclous way possible before he almost brutally shoves himself back in again.

“Just like that, you little slut.” He grunts, sitting up on hus knees, his eyes focusing the way his fat cock stretches your hole just how you loved.

As time went by, you wanted to try to drive him crazy. And the only thing you thought was to slowly caress your boyfriend’s feathers, eliciting a high-pitched moan from him and making him look at you badly. Just when you wanted to continue, he took both of your wrists and with his quirk, he held your wrists over your head. Keeping you still onto the bed.

“Let’s see if this would keep you still and without touching my wings.” He grunted low.

His thrust went back to a steady rhythm, hard and so, so deep.

“Open your mouth.” Hawks grunts. He see how you obey him and later a single drop of spit get in your tongue. “Swallow my spit, whore.” And so you did. The loud, lewd sound of it rings in your ears in the best way possible and acting like a literal aphrodisiac in combination with the delicious taste of his saliva coating the hot musle of your tongue.

A row of loud, high pitched whines and a combination of sobs and moans are the only thing you manage to respond with, your brain clouded with the feeling of his thick cock dragging along the spongy walls of your cunt.

“Now go on, angel.” He growls, pushing his hand in between your legs to rub circles into your hardened clit. “I want you to cum for me. Be a good little dumpster for Daddy and show me what only I can do.”

You can barely process his words, the lewdness just fueling the fire in the pit of your stomach as you lose yourself in the feeling on your upcoming high. But you still start nodding, cringing at the feeling of your saliva dripping down your jawline.

And with one last thrust, you feel your high crashing down onto you with such a heaviness, you’re left absolutely breathless while your cunt keeps gushing your luquids onto the bed and Keigo’s abdomen.

Your whole body is trembling as the waves of your orgasm hit you, a row of incoherents words leaving your lips.

“That’s my baby.” Is the first thing your brain manages to process again, everything still a blurry mess and when you look at Keigo, you realize you’re still cumming.

Your cunt is almost painfully spasming around his big cock, your juices dripping down the sides of his length as he helps you ride out your orgasm.

“You’re such a good, good slut for Daddy, aren’t you?” His thrust a little sloppier than before and from the way he’s digging his fingers into the skin of your waist, you know that he’s also quite close.

“You’re also going to take all of Daddy’s cum, right, baby? We gotta make sure I fill you up nicely.”

You take a deep breath, your slightly overstimulated cunt sending shivers down your spine as your eyes focus on Keigo’s parted lips.

“Please, Daddy…need you to fill me up with your cum.” You encourage him and his body tenses up as his grip on your waist becomes firmer before he starts cumming inside of you with a deep, raspy moan; coating the walls in several shades of white with three thick spurts of his cum.

Hawks buries his face in the crook of your neck as he slowly calms down, loud breathing and rushed gasps for air the only thing to fill the insides of the empty room.

“I love you so much.” He whispers and gives you a soft kiss, his cock still firmly buried inside of your sensitive cunt before he shoots you a soft smile; looking almost boyish with his glossy eyes and flushed cheeks. “Promise me that you will not mistrust me again, baby.”

“I love you, too, D-Daddy.” you whisper, gulping harshly as the words leave your lips, feeling his strong yet comforting gaze. “And I promise you that I will trust you.”

[stargaze-issei]

— "𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐞" (𝐛. 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; bakugou and you had been dating for so long, but always had to hide it. he hates hiding you, he hates seeing you sad, and you don’t know how much more you can take.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; a little bit of angst at first, but then fluff.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; bc… him.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 2.0k

it had been a long day at your agency, longer than usual at least. a lot of little incidents in your patrol areas, meetings, reports waiting for you to give them a final look. you checked the watch on your desk, almost midnight. by then, only the guards must have been in the building. a long, heavy sigh left your lips. you still had work to do, but the urge to go home was bigger, so after taking your things, you drove home, eager to see your boyfriend. bakugou mananged to get himself the title of number one hero four years after graduation, surpassing even all might himself. seeing him achieve his dreams filled your heart with love and pride, though it still hurt not being able to share those feelings with the world.

on your second year at u.a., katsuki asked you on a date after months of notorious flirting, no one was really surprised, in fact, among your class, everyone was happy because of your influence in the boy. your honey moon period was interrupted a few months later, on what was class a’s last sports festival. as third years already, all the attention was laid on you and your classmates. hundreds of pro heroes expecting to catch the most promising graduates, and your last chance to show you worthy. on every phase, you and bakugou would share knowing glances, secret winks at each other, little reassuring smiles from you and calming head nods from him. with all those cameras making you the center of attention, it wasn’t too hard for people to figure out what was going on between both of you. you ended sixth, only surpassed by uraraka, kirishima, todoroki, midoriya and bakugou, and were really happy with your performance. that same night, after a celebration with all your friends at the dorm, you went into your boyfriend’s room.

he was laying in bed, reading a book, but still reached out to pull you into bed. “mind if i use your computer?” you asked, him humming in agreement, too focused to pay you more attention. first you checked your personal account, when nothing entertainment surge there, you opened your official hero account. as you expected, the festival just endign a few hours ago, the tags were exploding. your face completely change when you started to read.

“so, are we just ignoring the fact that Y/N of all people was making eyes at bakugou the ENTIRE TIME?? keep it in your pants geez”.

“i’m sorry but if you think that bakuy/n thing wasn’t a stunt, you’re wrong”.

“guys. it’s as simple as looking at y/n, and then looking at ✨bakugou✨”.

“yeah it’s a no for me, like ok they’re friends but don’t make it fucking disgusting”.

and you could keep going. most of them were about how someone as great as katsuki could never lay his eyes on you, fewer were about how he was too aggressive and violent for you, and some were just people hating on both of you. tears gather in your eyes, was this what everyone thought? you knew from the beginning the difference between bakugou katsuki and you, who was lucky to even had made it that far, but you didn’t realise just how big the difference was. katsuki immediately felt something was off, so he left his book aside and grabbed your hand.

“i…” was all you managed to say before bursting in tears. bakugou hugged you as fast as he could, whispering softly calming words and leaving small kisses in your head. slowly, he took away the computer to see what made you so upset. blood starting to boil in his veins, his whole self shaking in pure rage. he got up, leaving you in the bed, still a little teary.

“i’m going to kick those losers to the moon, who the fuck are they to say those things? fucking bastards, i’ll shove their words so up thei–” he was walking back and forward in the small space of his room, stopped only when he saw you crying even harder.

“am i really th–that unworthy of you?” the voice crack made his heart break “i know i’m not perfect but i really thought that… that…” bakugou kneeled before you, looking at you dead in the eye. his hands gently reached your wet cheeks.

“don’t say dumb shit, dumbass. you are the most perfect person on this fucking planet, no one, not even youself, can say shit about that, ya’ hear me?” he did his best to calm himself down, knowing that you needed his comfort more than ever.

he took away the laptop before going into bed with you, holding you tightly in his arms. you were still crying, completely unable to get those words out of your mind. you loved katsuki, that you were sure, and he made clear several times that he loved you too, why didn’t people understand that? why it wasn’t enough?.

the next day, aizawa told both of you that in order to keep your mental health, at least until you graduate, to not make it official. he explained how sometimes, pro heroes had to keep their private life in check just to make things a little easier, as unfair as it sounds. so you waited, you graduate and held the impulse of kissing your boyfriend, hugging him, even look at him. it’s okay, only a few more days. katsuki sign a contract for two years with best jeanist, the number three hero at the time. you, on the other hand, had been offered to work with the lurkers, a team conformed by edgeshot, their leader, kamui woods and mt. lady, signing a similar contract to your boyfriend’s. you were overflowed with happiness, your dream had come true, finally you could call yourself a pro hero. you weren’t an intern, you were their equal.

“look, you are a great hero, but you are just starting” edgeshot had call you into his office, the manager of public interactions was next to him, talking to you “i did my research, and i’m going to have to ask you to keep this relationship of yours with ground zero a secret. you have so much potential, you need to leave a good impression or your hardwork would be for nothing.” you looked at your boss, seeing the uncomfortable look on his face. no one liked to ask those things, but sometimes there were sacrifices to be made.

“i have to talk with him first” was all you could say.

it killed you. not being able to love katsuki, to live a secret. most of the time all you wanted to do was scream in the middle of the street, where everyone could hear you. you loved bakugou katsuki, and he loved you, you wanted to spend you whole life with him, without hiding, without lies, without wondering if you were good enough for him. but it couldn’t be. now, four years later, both of you with your own agencies and a steady career, it still couldn’t be. again and again, no matter how many advisors you hired, everyone reached the same conclusion.

katsuki was waiting for you in the couch, watching a movie. instantly, you crawled to his arms, searching for reassurance. at least he was still the same.

“oi, are you okay?” even if his voice came out harshly, you knew he worried.

“i’m tired” you hid your face in his neck, intertwining your legs with his. you didn’t want to cry, but it was impossible to keep all the tears from falling.

“look at me” he said, lifting your face from your chin “what is it?” his eyes creeped inside yours, you hated making him worry, he lived the exact same things you did, but there you were the only one crying.

“i’m tired of this, bakugou” to hear his last name coming from you froze him in his place, what? tired of what? of him? you wanted to break up? “i can’t do it anymore” the way you grabbed his hand gave him confusing signs. “i want to go out with you, to hold your hand in public, i wanna kiss you and hug you whenever i want to, fuck, i want a normal relationship”

oh. it was that. bakugou sighed, a bit relieved. he understood, it was hard on him too, but at the same time, was all both of you knew. your relationship never had a normal phase, he couldn’t even remember the last date you had. how could he miss something he never had? of course, you were different. for some reason, the media had always been harsher on you. if it wasn’t your love life, it was your hero costume, or the way you did your job, how you didn’t have children, that forever tired face you got, they’d always find a new thing to complain. but you had your own fanbase, a lot of people who supported you, not for nothing you were the number four hero. being honest, katsuki didn’t know what to say. he hated seeing you like that, after all those years.

“let’s go out” he talked while getting up from the couch, lifting you with him “put on something comfy, hurry” when he saw you staring blankly at him, he took you from your legs as a bag of potatos “dammit, woman”.

once you got out of your surprise, you did as you were told after your boyfriend left you on the bed. his eyes glowed with a different shine, one that had disappeared a long time ago.

you got in his car, him driving. katsuki seemed happy, and that eased your anxiety. after a while, he parked in the middle of town. despite of the hour, there was a lot of people there, just as he expected.

“we can’t do this” you said, still a bit doubtful.

“of course we can, i’m going out with my girlfriend, i’m going to hold her hand, and i’m going to kiss her whenever the fuck i want, because she’s the baddest bitch out there and doesn’t deserves to be hidden from anyone”.

he said that. your heart raced, your cheeks heated up, what was going on? your belly had a thousand butterflies trying to escape. he said that. for the first time in five years, you kissed him without double thinking. a kiss filled with loved, confidence, feelings you couldn’t even describe.

he got out of the car first and opened your door, reaching out a hand. you were together in this, whatever happened wouldn’t be as bad, because you had him. there wasn’t anything else you needed but bakugou katsuki.

he explained what he planned while driving, you were going to go to every store you wanted, holding hands, sharing kisses. you were going to take pictures and share them with the world. you wanted an ice cream? then both of you would walk the entire tokyo to get you one, not minding the looks, the whispering. this was you and him.

and you did, you spent the most awesome night together, phones exploding with calls of both of you agencies. it didn’t matter.

you ended in a viewpoint, sitting in the back of your car watching the sun rise. a blanket provided the warm lacking from you bodies, even though you were cuddling. every time bakugou was at peace with you, unconsciously started to sing under his breath, in a really low voice. feeling his chest under your skin, his fingers tangled in your head, hearing his deep melodic voice. that’s how you wanted to spend your life.

“marry me” he said, his heart didn’t even race its pace. he was so calm, because he knew that your love was mutual. “c'mon, dumbass, marry me”.

“i love you” was all that left your mouth. he took it as a yes, and he was right. a soft smile curved in his lips, you were his, and he was entirely yours.

[nessinborderland]

Be Mine (08)

Pairing: Niragi x Reader / Chishiya x Reader

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, Omegaverse

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: You were able to stay unbounded throughout your life. You didn’t want an Alpha; you didn’t need one. You would rather die than to give yourself to some random male. But the man that saved your life thinks differently.

Warnings: Alpha/Omega, Dubious Consent, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Finger fucking, Rough Sex, Rough Kissing, Unprotected Sex, Creampie, Breeding, Pregnancy Kink, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Drama, Developing Relationship, Past Abuse, Scars, Death, Blood and Gore, Animal Death, Trauma, Bath Sex, Blood and Injury, Oral Sex, Dom/sub Undertones, Feelings

Notes: Here I am, back with chapter 8!! Be aware that there's a lot going on in this chapter involving abuse and trauma, so please proceed with caution. Hope you enjoy it! <3

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He can’t believe his eyes.

The moment the bag was taken off to show the man’s face, he wondered if he was having one of his nightmares again. He barely has those anymore, but what else can this be? He refuses to believe he is here. It can’t be real; it makes no sense.

But it is real. It’s him, without a shadow of a doubt. He’s visibly older, once black hair now with streaks of gray, and deep-set tired eyes. But he could never forget that face; the face that has been haunting his dreams for years. He almost feels sick at the realization. Why is he here? What does he want? How? When? So many questions.

Then fear.

Is he here to hurt him? To hurt you? No, he can’t let that happen; he won’t let that happen. Memories come flushing in, and it’s like he’s a young boy again, with no means of escaping or protecting himself. He feels powerless, and it’s terrifying. After so many years trying to gain control of his life, making others fear him...he comes and ruins everything.

Then anger.

How dare he even be alive? In his mind, he killed him long ago. He was supposed to be dead, locked away in some shithole, away from him. But he’s alive and he’s here. The man looks at him with fear in his eyes, but they’re also eyes that don’t recognize him. It makes a fire run in his chest. After everything he has done to him, after all the trauma and scars he left on him? How dare he not remember? 

And then he feels you, on the back of his mind, surprised and wanting to approach him.

No. He has to get you out of that room.

“Y/N,” he says. He barely recognizes his own voice. His eyes are still locked on the man in front of him; he can’t let him out of his sight. His body shakes with the effort to keep himself under control, but he still lets his claws out. He needs to protect you. “Get out.”

“Ni–”

“All of you, out!” he shouts, a growl forming in his chest. The man on the chair is shaking, looking more terrified by the second. Still not recognizing him. That angers him more than he would like to admit.

He hears everyone leave the room; everyone except for you. He glances over his shoulder, opening his mouth to order you out.

“I am not leaving,” you say before he can talk. Your voice trembles, but he can feel your determination. You know how he’s feeling, after all. It makes him hate this connection even more; you’re not supposed to see him like this. You’re not supposed to know about this.

“Y/N, I’m not repeating myself,” he takes a deep breath, “Leave… now.”

“But Niragi, you–”

“Niragi?... Niragi Suguru?” those words freeze him in place. That voice, saying his name, makes shivers of terror run down his spine. He looks down at the man, his wide eyes now filled with recognition.

That man knows who he is. He almost wishes he didn’t.

“Do you know who I am?” Niragi forces himself to ask, in a whisper so low you can barely hear it. He can feel you in the back of his mind, as tense and frightened as he is. But he can’t focus on you right now; not when the monster from his past just said his name.

The old man stays quiet for a beat, looking him up and down. Niragi knows what he must be thinking. When they last saw each other, he was nothing more than a shy and scrawny fourteen-year-old boy; now he’s over a decade older and taller, piercings all over his face. 

And he’s an Alpha. That is the most important change. One that the old man definitely notices.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” the man gulps, “Keiko’s boy?”

Niragi has to control his basic instinct to flee as he crouches before the older man, close enough that he can smell the pungent odor of sweat and cigarette smoke. It’s so disgusting and so familiar that he almost gets sick. He swallows the lump in his throat before talking.

“What if I am?” he says, in the most leveled tone he can. He can’t let him know he’s scared. He can’t let him get inside his head. “Why does it matter?”

“I– I just never thought I would see you again after all these years, I–” the man stutters, clearly nervous, “Is nice to finally see my nephew, though. You’ve...changed.”

“Nephew?” you ask. He can feel your surprise, followed by something close to realization. You’re starting to connect the dots. Niragi hates it.

“I’m not your fucking nephew,” he spits in the man’s direction. He can feel his blood starting to boil, claws tingling to dig into the man’s throat. “And you...you should be rotting in some prison cell, not here.”

The man laughs, a low and raspy sound that makes a shiver run down Niragi’s spine. He used to hate that sound. He finds out he still does.

“I’ve been out for years, son,” he says with a strained smile. Niragi knows he’s faking this sudden streak of confidence, but it makes him extremely uncomfortable. He knows that the man is trying to manipulate him. “And now that you’re touching the subject, it’s okay, I forgive you for your betrayal.” Niragi’s eyes go wide at that, “You didn’t know any better–”

“You forgive me?” he can’t believe his ears. But he knows something for certain; the man that calls himself his uncle is dead. “You forgive me…”

“Well, of course, I–”

It’s an exhilarating sensation, having the blood of someone he hates on his hands, claws digging through flesh like butter. But he can’t focus on the physical sensations for long; he’s too mad to see or feel anything but rage and pain. He can hear you calling for him, trying to stop him, but he’s too far gone.

“You forgive me?!” he screams as he keeps punching the man, now on the ground. “You forgive me for what, you motherfucker?! Do you forgive me for telling everyone what you did to me?! Do you forgive me for letting you touch me?! For letting you beat the shit out of me?! For leaving me with these fucking scars?!” He can hear you calling his name, begging him to stop, but all he can focus on is the man underneath him, bleeding and begging him to stop.

He doesn’t give a fuck; he used to beg too. To him, to his mom, even to God. He was never heard. No one came to save him.

So why should he stop?

“Niragi, Niragi, please stop!” he can feel your arms around his neck, trying to pull him back, your mouth close to his ear. His wolf would stop in any other circumstances, but not in this one. “Please, please, you don't want to do this, you’re going to kill him!”

“Get off!” he tries to shake you off his back, never stopping his assault. He can’t stop; if he stops he wins. He can’t let that happen. You keep your arms around his neck, telling him to stop, how this isn’t the way, how they can solve this together. He doesn’t want to hear it. “Shut up!” he marks his words with another punch to the old man’s face, “You don’t know shit!”. He doesn’t notice when you get off him.

But then you cry out in pain.

That makes him freeze, fist in mid-air. He glances at you, cradling your cheek as you lay on the ground by his feet, so close to the man he hates. The scent of your blood hits him like a truck.

No. No, no, no.

He gets on his knees in a second, totally ignoring the half-dead man behind you. You’re all he can think about, now. “Y/N I– I– I’m sorry– I– Let me see…”. You move your hand, showing the claws that mark your cheek. His claws. He did this. He hurt you; how could he hurt you? “I– I– I didn’t mean to, I–”

“I–It’s okay,” you say with a small smile in his direction. But he notices your shaking body, sees the tears running down your face, mixing with your blood on the wound he opened. More than that; he can feel how you’re feeling. He never felt like he wanted to die more than now. He can’t breathe. “Niragi? Niragi, look at me.”

He can’t see. He can’t think. He can’t speak. He can’t hear.

His whole body is shaking, violent tremors going through him as he tries to make it stop. He can’t see you, he can’t see anything but pure black. But he can smell the blood, sweat, and cigarettes, and he’s back to the house where it all happened. Back to the beatings and the abuse and everything else he didn’t remember it happened until now; but in place of his fourteen-year-old self, there’s you. He tries to scream; for help, for you, but he can’t hear his voice. It’s only himself and the dark.

Then it’s like everything explodes.

You stayed in that room for almost ten hours.

Just you, a giant wolf, and a mauled body.

Ten hours.

You’re still in shock as you lay next to Niragi’s unconscious body. He has been like this for almost two days, and part of you fears he won’t wake up. You press your palm against his chest, wanting to feel his heartbeat. His body is covered in fresh wounds, skin so pale he almost looks dead. You can’t feel him in your mind anymore, but you know he has constant nightmares; so do you. What are you going to do if he doesn’t wake up?

What are you going to do if he does?

It had been terrifying. The screams, the blood, the emotions. Emotions you have never felt before; emotions you don’t want to experience ever again. That overpowering fear and anger and sadness almost made you want to tear your heart out. You know he is broken, but you never imagined it to be on such a scale.

And when he turned and you stopped feeling him... that was the most terrifying thing of all. Because that beast wasn’t Niragi; it was just an animal. A wrathful, terrified, damaged giant wolf. The human was locked inside, and you couldn’t reach him anymore.

The first time you truly feared Niragi was when he looked at you with those amber eyes; eyes that were not his own. 

You thought that that was it, the animal in him was about to kill you. But he acted like you weren’t there as he finished killing his abuser, tearing his body apart like a ravishing beast. You couldn’t stop yourself from watching the gruesome scene; you had to look. It was like you owned him that.

So you stared, sitting on the floor, tears streaming down your face as you cradled your bleeding cheek. Not even when the blood from the body reached your knees did you look away; not even when the wolf ripped apart the man’s head did you look away; not even when the wolf turned to you, muzzle dripping blood, did you look away.

You couldn’t.

After that, you just stayed there on the floor, covered in blood and so terrified you couldn’t move. The wolf had approached you, sniffed you, and licked your wound before laying down in front of you, unmoving. His eyes never left yours.

Until someone had tried to enter the room, time when he had growled, jumping towards the door to undoubtedly kill whoever dared to cross the threshold.

No one died, but after that, you could hear a commotion outside as people tried to decide on what to do next. You had heard Ann call your name, but you couldn't force any words out. Discussions on whether to kill him had made you scream at them to go away. And then it was silent.

When you tried to get up an hour or so later, legs cramping and giving up on you, the wolf hadn't moved; not until you tried to get to the door. He had grabbed you by your clothes then, pulling you to a corner like you were nothing but a rag doll, before laying in front of you, blocking your way out.

Hours passed until you heard a knock on the door. By that time you were starving, throat dry as the desert and skin itching from the dry blood. The wolf immediately started growling, raised hackles as he stared at the door; he knew who it was as well as you did.

A knock on the door startles you, interrupting your thoughts. You check on Niragi before standing up to open the door, limping from the now infected wound on your ankle; you don’t heal as fast as Alphas do, after all. Just like before in that room of nightmares, you know who it is even before you open the door. His scent is even stronger than usual, and you know why.

“What are you doing here?” you ask with a sigh as Chishiya stands in front of you. You look him up and down. His injuries from his fight with Niragi are almost healed by now, pink skin replacing what was open wounds not even two days ago. His expression is the same as always, but you see him glance over your shoulder at Niragi, a look in his eyes that you can’t quite place.

“He’s still unconscious, uh?” he asks, ignoring your question, “Do you think he will wake up?”

“What are you doing here, Chishiya?” you ask again in a raised tone. His eyes flash, but his expression doesn’t change.

“Just checking up on you,” he says with a shrug, “How is your cheek?”

“Do you think that I’m some kind of an idiot?” you snap. “Do you think that I don’t know exactly why you’re here?” you can feel your anger rising, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. “You selfish son of a bitch! Just say you’re here because you can smell that my heat is approaching!” you practically scream in his face. You don’t care who might be listening, you’re exhausted. “Don’t just use some fucking excuse like you care about me.” You move to close the door, but his hand snaps to grip your wrist.

“He’s dangerous,” he says, pulling you to him when you try to get him to release you. “He’s reckless, he’s uncontrollable. Just look at what he did to you.” you notice immediately when his eyes change colors, and you have to control yourself not to let his scent fog your mind.

“Let go of me,” you say in a faint tone.

“I would never do that to you,” he says. 

And then he’s kissing you. 

The sound of your slap echoes through the hallway, and your palm stings like it’s on fire.

“Do you have any idea of the state he was in, down there?” you don’t control your tears now, too mad and tired to care. “The pain and suffering he went through? His trauma almost made me insane!” Chishiya just stares, lips in a tight line as he cradles his red cheek. “I don’t blame him for what happened. I know how he felt when he hurt me. He didn’t mean any of it.” you take a deep breath, cleaning the tears from your face. “If you show up here again and try to take me against my will, I’ll kill you.”

“You know you’re just trying to prevent the inevitable, right?” he says, tone cold as ice. He’s smirking; it makes you want to slap him again. “I don’t like to lose, Y/N.”

“Fuck you.”

He doesn’t try to stop you from closing the door, this time.

You immediately go back to bed, nuzzling against Niragi’s unconscious body as you cry. You don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to think. Your head hurts, your body hurts, your soul hurts. You just want him to wake up. 

“Please wake up,” you whisper in his ear as you sob, hoping for a miracle, something. “Please wake up. I– I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist him when he comes back for me. Please...I– I need you to wake up.”

Your body is like a ticking time bomb, and you can practically hear the clock as your heat approaches. It’s only a matter of hours. 

If Niragi doesn’t regain his consciousness by the next morning, Chishiya will take you; and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Next Chapter

[lisinfleur]

Insecure

The Request:

Author’s Notes | I’m sorry for taking so long, babe! But I hope you enjoy it! Universe | Vikings Pairing | Ivar x Reader Info | Modern Age AU, requested by @lol-haha-joke​ for 5CW Ivar II, posted for HTGI Event. Words | 1173 ⁑ Warnings: Erotic content, some explicit scenes. Mentions to wounds and blood.

It was like being smitten by one of Thor's bolts right in the middle of his head. Although it was the sexiest scene Ivar had ever laid his eyes on, it froze his body entirely.

Instead of going into the obvious arousal seeing his wife touching herself and hearing her moans were supposed to throw him in, his thoughts started swirling into his mind like a furious storm, spreading stones of insecurity and fear everywhere inside his head.

For a long moment, Ivar stood still and silent at the door of his room, watching that scene simply because his brain couldn't process the electrical impulses and decide if he should enter and stop that or leave her alone.

And leave the hallway.

The house.

Maybe her life.

His body essayed the steps in and out of the room dozens of times, indecisive, scared. Until her body shuddered over the bed, and she threatened to open her eyes.

Worse than the idea of not being able to please his own wife was the thought of being caught discovering her personal games.

Her relief.

At first, Ivar's body swirled over his braced legs, and his back touched the wall beside the bedroom's door, listening when she moaned louder, faster...

She was coming! But it was so strong...

He couldn't remember any time in which she panted for him like that.

As she started moaning lower, his body was finally able to move away from the door. His steps taking his defeated self to his living room, straight to his bar.

Ivar's hands were trembling when he placed a cup, pouring himself some pure whiskey.

His mind was moving fast through the memories of their moments. The many times she said he was amazing or ended up laughing over his chest after a long night together. All the praises...

His feelings mixed insecurity, fear, anxiety... Anger.

As always, everything in Ivar's mind would slowly turn into boiling anger, and it wasn't different this time. His hand started trembling in anxiety, but now, it was fury.

The cup, emptied in a single sip, wasn't placed but slammed against the bar. Ivar slammed his fist against the bar one, two times, trying to put that anger out against the wood.

At the third slam, however, his hand missed the place and slammed the cup, turning it into sharp shards of glass that opened a large cut in his palm, causing Ivar's voice to echo in a growl between the wrath and the raw pain.

Of course, she heard his sounds from the room and came as fast as she could. Her eyes were large when she saw his blood flowing so freely like that.

"Oh, my gods! Ivar, what happened?" she said, fully concerned.

Picking up a towel from his bar to roll his hand and hold the bleeding.

But he didn't answer.

His eyes were destroyed on her figure.

How could she lie to him for so long and yet sound so truly worried about his well-being?

How could she hide that secret for so long from his sharp eyes and blessed mind?

"Ivar? Love... Answer me..." She insisted, touching his face.

How could she be lying and still sound so real? So full of love?

With his anger lowered by the pain, all that lasted was Ivar's blues, hurt and sad into her eyes.

"Why did you lie to me for so long?"

His words and the pools of sadness in his eyes confused her completely.

"What?" she asked, dizzy.

Her steps took him back to the couch where they could sit as her fingers were quickly calling the emergency service of his health insurance.

"I saw you," he affirmed, causing his wife to cringe for a moment. "I saw you touching yourself with that toy... Why didn't you ever tell me I wasn't enough? Why did you lie to me and said it was good to be with me, Y/N?" Ivar inquired.

His voice was as full of pain as his eyes were, teary.

But his wife looked at him completely shocked.

"Wait... You... Oh, mighty Odin, Ivar! You got everything wrong, for the gods' sake!" she burst, rolling her eyes.

Igniting the anger into his as Ivar tried to keep his wounded heart protected.

"What did I get wrong, Y/N? My wife moans louder for a damn plastic piece of shit than she does to me, and yet, she lies every time we fuck, so she doesn't have to tell me I'm not good enough for her! That's what I get!"

But once again, she just sighed, looking at him.

"And here is what you got wrong, my love," she said.

Her voice sounded strangely meek into Ivar's ears, crumbling his defenses once again.

"I never lied to you, and I do not need that toy. I like to play when you're not around to make me crazy, but I could throw it away at any time, and I wouldn't miss it. I moaned louder cause that shit was on high speed, and I didn't notice when I started. When I'm with you, there is no such thing. You build my pleasure, you make me feel warm, you love me, Ivar, you don't just make me cum with raw pleasure, and nothing more."

Her words were making sense, causing Ivar to slowly start feeling himself an idiot.

"It's my fertile day, Ivar. I was warm, and I didn't know how late would you come from the company. My intentions were to start warming myself to wait for you to come home. I never wanted to exchange you for a toy or needed a toy because you're not enough. I like to have toys to prepare myself for you. And even when I'm using them, my eyes are closed because I'm remembering your touch, your hands on me, your body into me, your sounds..." she explained.

Causing Ivar's anger to become nothing and give place to a huge shame of his own stupidity.

"Shit..." he growled. "I... I'm sorry."

"No, love. I am sorry," she answered. "I should've told you I liked these games. I should've explained everything, so you wouldn't feel like this. My poor Ivar... I love you, my dear, it would never be different. You're better than any shitty plastic toy I could ever buy, uh?"

Her warm fingers slid through his jawline, tracing it in a way he always loved to feel.

"Now we'll take you to the hospital, treat this thing in your hand, and come back home, so I can replace that toy with what I really wanted in me tonight... Does it sound good, my love?"

Ivar couldn't repress a smile on the corner of his mouth.

"I hope the hospital doesn't keep me for too long," he mumbled.

The smile became bigger on both of their faces.

He would have to wait to have his treat, but at least, his heart was relieved. His precious wife was his, and no toy was better than him.

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[heavensenthearty]

I went into the Zuko tag and one of the first posts I saw was how Zuko’s not soft, he’s almost always an asshole. Tags: I love him with all my heart but he’s a piece of shit. Is it wrong that this upsets me? And I call BS on the “love” part. Constantly talking about an (redeemed) abuse victim like that isn’t a cute edgy look. In the beginning I was writing it off as once in a while jokes but now it doesn’t feel like that anymore and is just damaging. Piece of shit? Really??

I have to think about how do actually abuse victims feel when they see a character go through a similar situation as them and work so hard to break free of it, be talked about in such a way? Especially young boys. Because with a lot of these people Azula is their little darling so it just boils down to unrepentant girl victim = QUEEN <3 , cycle breaking abused boy = asshole

Well, in case you wonder, A, I am one of those actual abuse victims that feel identified with Zuko, so I can give you an accurate description of how it feels like to see posts tearing him down: It. Hurts. A. Friggin'. Lot!

Because it reminds me it doesn't even matter how hard I try, how strong I stand up for myself; 'cause if I do fight for myself, if I do am strong enough to keep myself together day after day without breaking down, nobody will want to come help me.

Day after day, I try so hard to be good. I try so hard to not let the beliefs of my homophobic, islamophobic, xenophobic family get to my head. I try so hard to cling to my last vestige of patience when I'm angry.

Huh, sound familiar?

"Why am I so bad at being good?"

"I wanted to speak out against this horrifying plan."

"Don't patronize me! You know what it's supposed to look like!"

But nobody wants to hear about that, nobody thinks it is worthy of admiration. If I can do that, it means it mustn't be that difficult, right? Either if it is the me I put so much effort into being, or the me that is so angry at the people that wronged her that is toxic and confrontational with everyone, people won't feel sorry for me. They won't consider me deserving of their pity. Because I am proud like that, I don't cry; I struggle.

People prefers Azula because she embodies everybody's darkest thoughts: the desire to be that much powerful, that much impeccable, to crush your enemies to the core, for everybody to fear you. And of course those thoughts usually come from pain. Unbearable pain. And you can blame on it the awful, awful person into which you turn. I know many people who does that, and who think pity overpowers any fault they might have for their past actions.

Zuko is what happens when you push yourself away from those dark thoughts. He is what happens when you know you have that darkness inside your head, but you decide to be different. And it is difficult. And it keeps hurting because you don't only fight the outside world and the people that hurt you, you fight their voices inside your own head, the emotions they inflicted on you. That you should feel guilty for what they did to you, that you should had been better, that you should be better even now; and it's hard to tell which parts are the ones that you believe for yourself, and which are the ones you were taught for a long, long time.

I believe in the person I try to be, it is my decision to be this person. It is Zuko's decision to be the person who he is now. And it was Azula's decision to work as Ozai's pawn in a desperate attempt to earn her father's love.

It's not her fault, God knows it took me years to detach myself from my family's beliefs, but people should focus more on her other traits because she is not a very inspiring story of abuse.

I think the difference between the Fire Siblings is better explained with a quote that I like:

It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on:

It takes a lot of strength to let go:

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 As your boyfriend | FKBU Headcanons 』

Characters: female!reader, Kambe Daisuke, Kato Haru

Tags/warnings: Fugou Keiji Balance: Unlimited (anime), 18+, strong sexual references, fluff, angst, Haru's PTSD, headcanons, daddy kink and cockwarming (kind of?) for Daisuke, breeding kink for Haru *coughing intensifies*

⚠️ 18+ CONTENT! MINORS: PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

A/N: Felt like writing some more for these boys because ~holy shit~ do I love them, and I maybe went a teensy bit overboard. Oopsie! 🤭 But anyway, have y'all seen episode 6?! Let's freaking gooo! (No spoilers, don't worry) Thanks for reading! Enjoy! Imo~

Kambe Daisuke

First up: daddy kink. I know it, you know it, we all know it. So let's not beat about the bush

Quite dominant and firm with you (see: daddy kink)

But he absolutely loves spoiling you

Expensive gifts, like one-of-a-kind necklaces, seductive perfumes, satin dresses, lace underwear, etc.

He loves dressing you up and showing you off

But he also loves spoiling you in bed more like ruining, I am deceased

A lot of butt grabbing in public hnng

He likes it when you don't wear any underwear because it makes for easier quickies like bent over the sink in the bathroom at his favourite club

He likes you sitting on his lap in front of people, too aye papi

American gangster vibes, honestly

He's not really one for soppy, romantic PDA, but he loves you letting people know that it's him you want and nobody else

He loves the look on people's faces when you call him 'daddy' that grin will be the death of me

Especially the look on Haru's face, lmao. He blushed like a tomato and couldn't speak a coherent sentence for a whole hour

Hickeys. Lots and lots of hickeys. And don't even think about covering them up

Daisuke loves sleeping naked and has a habit of walking around the house in just a towel when he gets out the shower fight me

He's also completely oblivious to what it does to you

A MASSIVE bed with super soft, satiny sheets. They feel like clouds uwu

He gets HEUSC to remind him of important dates, like birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Date Ideas: Unlimited sorry, not sorry

From fancy restaurants, to exclusive movie premieres, to late night helicopter rides to the other side of the country, Daisuke can and will pay for anything if it makes you happy

He also lets you introduce him to lots of new things, like trying different kinds of street food on dates, going rowing on the pond in the park, having a go at karaoke, renting bikes and cycling round the city, going hiking at the nearest nature reserve or wilderness, etc. adorable

He's like a curious kitten when he's trying new things, putting a lot of trust in you to guide him through it

He always looks perfect in the photos you snap, even the ones he wasn't aware you were taking, and it's a lowkey frustrating that he nearly always looks prettier than you

But it's not his fault, so you'll only pout for a little while

His face is pretty hard to read most of the time, but you eventually get used to it and pick up on all his little mood indicators

His ears move when he's happy, and you can't convince me otherwise

He'll hold your heels for you when your feet hurt on a night out

He smells of leather and sandalwood, and his kisses taste of expensive whisky and cigars

He loves it when you bite his lower lip while making out

He's kind of possessive, but in a protective way

He never thought of himself as a particularly jealous person, until one night he came back to the bar and saw some other guy hitting on you the attention was definitely unwanted on your side

It made his blood boil – clenched fists, piercing glare if looks could kill

But he managed to stay calm and maturely tell the guy to get lost, with his arm snaking round your waist

Daisuke made it very clear that it wasn't you he didn't trust. It was that he didn't trust that guy – or any guy, for that matter

His favourite ~position~ is on a table or other surface with your legs over his shoulders

He's a god at eating you out

He's a god at everything in the bedroom, tbh

Saint Laurent condoms, because he's that fucking extra I'm screaming

His hair always falls out of place when you're fucking it's so hot and cute, wtf

It's a lot of glitz and glamour on the surface, but when it's just the two of you, you know just how much you mean to him

The King of Aftercare™

He used to suck at aftercare until he properly tried it. Then he realised that he needed it as much as you did le cry

Back rubs, forehead kisses, playing with your hair, soft whispers in your ear

He holds you so tightly that it gets hard to breathe, and you can feel his heart beating hard against your back

Sometimes he likes to just stay inside you after finishing

He enjoys the feeling of you around him, and honestly, you like just feeling him being inside you cockwarming, kind of?

Soft little nuzzles with his nose in his sleep even better when he's fallen asleep while still inside you

He's not perfect, but being with you makes him try to be better

Help, my heart's so full 🤧

Kato Haru

This man is a sweetie pie, honestly

Not just boyfriend material, but husband material put a ring on it, hun

Lots of home cooking, and it all tastes so good you honestly believe he could just quit being a cop and open up a restaurant

He loves cooking with you, too. It's fun bonding time

Sometimes he stands behind you and guides your hands etc. it sometimes goes a little further, if ya know what I'm saying 👀

Knows how to do all the chores and housework, and actually does his share look at my practical hubby

Random pillow fights that turn into cuddle sessions

He talks in his sleep waaahh, so cute

Sometimes it's utter nonsense, like 'Don't let the donuts escape'

Other times, it's things like, 'I love Y/N so much,' or 'Let's have babies,' while he's holding onto you, and you just melt

Spooning. So much spooning

Lots of budget date ideas, like building pillow forts, watching sunsets and stargazing from the balcony, going for hikes and runs together, going for picnics, feeding ducks at the pond, etc.

One time, a duck chased him around the pond because he had the bread, and he had to run for 20 minutes before it gave up thank God for all that cardio

The Master of Flat Pack Furniture™ – because he takes his time and actually reads the instructions

Daisuke had a ™ so Haru needed one too

Takes good care of you on your period and actually knows about different sanitary products

He smells really fresh and clean, like Imperial Leather soap and air-dried laundry as long as he hasn't been on a stakeout, lmao

He loves taking showers with you, but like, actual showers

The first and only time you had shower sex was hot and steamy until:

1. You realised that water does not a good lube make and 2. He slipped and accidentally shoved his dick in your ass instead

You fully passed out, and he was so frantic that he bundled you into the car and drove you straight to the ER you were in just a towel, might I add

You both look back on it now and laugh, but he was genuinely scared

Shower sex = never again

But he loves it when you straddle his lap and start grinding on him bonus points if you kiss his neck and run your hands through his hair

He's a pretty vanilla boy when it comes to sex, preferring positions like missionary and cowgirl, and liking a fairly even balance of power

He got super embarrassed and flustered when he finally mustered up the courage to suggest having car sex

And then even more embarrassed and flustered when you actually ended up doing it

He was blushing so hard the entire time and came really quickly, which only added to his embarrassment but you thought it was cute

He has really sensitive nipples which you use to your advantage

He absolutely loves hates it when you send him nudes or try and sext him while he's at work, because he gets a massive boner and will either have to live with it and probably get laughed at by those goobs in the office, or deal with it in the bathroom, which feels wrong to him on so many levels

Doesn't really stop you sending them though, because whenever you do, he comes home and fucks you really well

One thing that's not vanilla about him is how much he likes cumming inside you breeding kink, welcome to the party. Please take a seat

He didn't tell you about it for the longest time because he was embarrassed about it and was afraid you'd think it was gross or something please cum in me, sir

He was so relieved when you were understanding about it and open to the idea of indulging him

But he genuinely really wants kids some day he'd be a great dad

His PTSD doesn't stop him being a good boyfriend, but he's convinced that it does

Most days he seems okay, like he's over it, even

But sometimes you'll wake up in the middle of the night and find him curled up in the bath, shaking and crying into his knees my poor baby, I can't

Excuse me while I go and cry into my pillow for a while

You're his safety net

When he feels like he's drowning, you keep his head above the water until the waves eventually calm and recede, and he can breathe again

He hates putting so much on your shoulders

But you swear to him that you wouldn't want to be doing anything else, and that you're not going anywhere

This got so angsty, my heart can't take this 😭

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[ateezmakemeweep]

you’re the one that i want (part 17)

word count: 6k

angst

(part 16) (series masterlist)

tag list: @chogiout ; @psshwa ; @yeocult ; @seongghwaa ; @cherryeonii ; @chaoticbanqtan ; @8teenee ; @nczenniez ; @atinyarmyx1 ; @mingtopiaa ; @chubsluda ; @joongiebug ; @mochibabycakes ; @jisungity ; @skz-on-my-mind ; @nlost21 ; @myonlyaurora ; @closer-stars ; @kuaenam3g ; @byungaji ; @floweryjh ; @joeycheungg ; @lostscenarios ; @atinyxtopia ; @sanisms ; @kpopnightingale ; @simpforhyunjin ; @89staytinyzen21​ ; @lokicaramel ; @ttalgimin ; @sakura-uji ; @songsoomin ; @toffee-hwa ; @deobitiful ; @hyunjeansuniverse ; @clown-teez​ ; @i-know-you-know-lee-know ; @tiny-whatsername ; @fairieofeternity ; @yixing-jaehyun ; @sleepyseonghwa ; @revehosh ; 

time went on but the pain never went away. it dulled, for sure, with san incessantly telling you that you deserved better and the piles of work that were being assigned to you.

but you were also doing everything in your absolute power to ignore seonghwa. 

you never lingered before or after homeroom and made sure to never even look in his direction. you drowned out the sound of his voice in class or entire presence when you passed him the hallway. you and san even started to break the school rules and went out for lunch so neither of you had to be reminded of that table.

the one time seonghwa dared come to the cafe, san forced you into the back room and gave his ex friend a piece of his mind. you thought for sure you were gonna have to run out and separate the boys but seonghwa just looked completely...empty and defeated. 

it seemed as if he took san’s words to heart, the blonde speaking them so lowly and harshly you still don’t exactly know what he said to this day. you just know that when you and seonghwa’s eyes met through the small glass window, he looked as sad and broken as you felt inside - but for very different reasons. 

he was upset with himself while you were upset with the both of you. at him for acting the way he did and denying you once again but also at yourself for letting it go on for so long. you should’ve been stronger and made it known he was hurting you from day one, not just avoid him for the sake of saving yourself more pain and suffering.

you’ve switched between feeling sad, angry and vengeful so much during these weeks that you don’t even know how you feel anymore; you just know you’re hurting and know it’s because of him.

“okay but you can’t not go because of him,” san whines. you were both sitting at the cafe during your wednesday night shift, the shitty, rainy weather outside keeping you free of any customers. 

“san,” you whine back, looking at your friend in annoyance; he’d been harassing you for days to go to his friend’s party on friday, a group of boys from another school he’s been friends with since 5th grade.

“look, i was honest and told you he’d probably be there to warn you,” he tells you honestly, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “but if you’re gonna make me go through it by myself, that’ll be really mean.” 

you roll your eyes at the pout on his lips, feeling yourself frown when he adds, “because you know, i’m avoiding one of them too.”

you both know it’s a low blow and san has to resist the urge to smirk knowing he did just play a little dirty. but it doesn’t lessen his actual anxiety over it, knowing he’s gonna be around alcohol in a party atmosphere where stupid decisions are almost always made.

“that’s not fair,” you say with a pout, kicking against the counter with a groan. 

“c’monnn, love, i’m gonna need you there.” 

you let out a sigh, looking at the boy with a pained expression; it would be the perfect time for you to get out and party though, you think, given the fact that your parents told you just this morning they’d be going away for the weekend. 

things at home had been surprisingly...civil, only a few fights and slaps here and there that do little to break your spirit. because it’s already pretty crumbled, eating quickly with them before rushing into your room to do homework.

you never thought you’d say it but schoolwork and projects and essays were actually saving you these days, distracting your mind from just how badly your heart was hurting. 

and what better way to further distract yourself than by getting drunk for the first time? 

“for the first time?” san yelps when you tell him you’ve never drank before. 

“kind of, yeah,” you tell him with an amused smile, the utter shock on his face all too endearing. “i...got tipsy over the summer,” you say quickly, grazing over the memory before you tell san you’d only had one drink. 

“oh, that won’t do,” san says with a shake of the head. 

you watch with a raised eyebrow and a cup of tea to your lips as the blonde prances over to the cabinets, looking inside before smirking at the extra box of jello he knew was laying around back here. 

“we’ll start you off with jello shots and then move you up to the real stuff. get ready for friday, biiiitch.” 

you let out a snort and warm tea spews from your mouth, dripping down to your chin and onto the floor as you let out a choking fit of laughter. san yells that he just mopped the floor and insists that you’re doing it this time, your eyes only rolling at him.

“i’m about to choke and die and you’re worried about the floor.”

“you can’t choke and die, we have to go to this party first.”

the jello shots had gone down easily, your personal favorites being the strawberry and raspberry. but now, the straight vodka sitting in one of san’s many shot glasses is proving to be a challenge. 

“i think i’m drunk so i don’t need to do-”

“cheers!” san yelps, taking your glass from the table and forcing it into your hand. you let out a sigh as you watch the boy down his 4th one with ease, looking at him with concerned laced in your eyes. 

“san, if you’re gonna puke tonight, i’m gonna be really-”

“i’m not gonna puke,” he whines, “we ate so much before this and i’ll drink water. but you have to start little lady. we only have an hour!” 

“okay i will but i’m just warning you that i’m gonna hate every moment of this and-”

he rolls his eyes before pushing the shot glass toward you, snorting when you take down the vodka with a sneer and gag. but by the third, the burn gets almost manageable and you and san mentally prepare one another for what’s about to come. 

you tell him to not take wooyoung’s shit, that if the boy even dares to signal for him to go outside so they could be alone, he points his middle finger at him and goes off to dance and have fun. 

he tells you that if seonghwa tries to corner you and suck another hickie onto your neck, (the blonde had been so irritated at that, the possessiveness and boldness in the action making his blood boil) you knee him between the legs and kiss the closest person next to you. even if it’s him.

you laugh at that very unlikely circumstance as you stumble out of his house and into the uber, both of you determined not to let those two handsome but horribly cruel boys get to you. 

you try to keep the slurring of your words quiet so the driver isn’t alarmed by the drunk underaged kids in his car, whispering back and forth about what songs you’re gonna sneak onto the aux.

you thank the man as he pulls up to the house, big and beautiful with a wrap around porch and a few kids littered outside. and then even in a drunken daze, you feel your stomach knot with nervousness. the unfamiliar crowd, the loud booming music coming from the house, the thought of seeing seonghwa in this state, now all too daunting. 

but san notices your discomfort immediately and grabs your hand, saying hi to a few people in passing as he leads you into the house. he tells you to stay close and to not let go of him, your eyes widening at the amount of people in this house; what kind of high school party is like this?

“oi felix!” 

a boy with blonde wavy hair turns around and smiles at san, walking over and fist bumping him; you bit your lip to hide your smile, secretly wondering who’s hands were smaller (it’s me, the author, i am wondering). felix notices you standing beside san, your intertwined hands catching his eye before his face lights up. 

“who is this? is she your-”

“friend,” san clarifies, pulling you into him affectionately. “but she is very much single if anyone is interested.”

“san,” you whine as you disconnect your hands and hit his arm, felix laughing quietly before he holds out his. you take his hand with a small smile, mumbling your name before three boys barrel right into him. 

“san!” they all scream in unison, excited cheers as they run toward the boy and grab him in a hug. you giggle as you wait off to the side in fear of getting trampled, felix looking at you apologetically. 

“sorry,” he says, his voice so deep and full it makes your eyes widen. and maybe it’s because you have alcohol coursing through you that you show your surprise, looking around like you’re scared someone’s gonna watch you before leaning in. 

“your voice...is very deep.” 

a loud chuckle leaves his mouth as he nods his head, talking more and leaving you in amazement. 

you don’t even hear san and the other boys conversing behind you, you and felix talking about the blonde-haired boy. you tell him that you work at his parents cafe and also see him in school every day, giggling sweetly when felix’s face turns into a grimace as he commends your ability to deal with the loud, whiney boy five days a week.

the very same boy who, little to your knowledge, is trying to set you up. but it’s not his fault, he rationalizes in his head, the idea just fell into his lap really.

“hey, who’d you come with?” hyunjin asks san, the two blondes turning when they hear your giggle pierce the air. 

the taller boy can’t help but smile softly at the sound, thinking it’s the cutest thing he’s heard since he got here; he wasn’t even gonna come tonight, always put off by the gross group of people and loud, terrible music.

“that’s y/n, my new friend,” san says, smiling when he sees hyunjin’s intrigued gaze. 

he’s known the boy for years, one of his first friends from middle school who proved time and time again how sweet he was. everyone had always been intimidated by his good looks and tall figure but he was just as a soft-spoken as he was kind; he’d be the perfect distraction for you tonight. 

it’s why he drags hyunjin over to you, planting the boy in front of you and your head snaps away from felix. “i was just telling him how you always-” a pair of dark, unfamiliar eyes looking at you cause the words to stop, your breath catching in your throat at the man in your presence. 

his blonde hair hangs in his face, a black headband over his forehead just a few inches above the prettiest pair of light brown eyes. he’s taller than san and felix and it only adds on to how much your sad little heart flutters, your usual sober nervousness replaced with a drunken fascination. 

“oh. hi.”

and then when his lips quirk up into a smile, your heart nearly threatens to pound out of your chest. 

“hey. i’m hyunjin.”

you sat with the boy for most of the night, your legs grazing as you stayed on the couch and gave him playful slaps to the arm when you drunkenly giggled into him. you quickly discovered he was just as funny as he was kind and handsome and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think you had a little bit of a crush on him.

that the happy, fluttering feeling in your chest was something you hadn’t felt in a while, your shy smiles back and forth only making you more giggly. or it could also be the sips you took from san’s spiked seltzer that might have something to do with it. 

because one second you and hyunjin were debating whether goldendoodles or chihuahuas made better pets and then the next, you were both charging over to san for the final decision. but he yelped excitedly, having not seen you both all night because you were so lost in each other, and threw his arms around you. 

“don’t look now, love, but asshole one and two just got here.”

you pull back and look at san with wide eyes, the blonde only nodding his head with a calming look in his eye. he had thought you guys had gotten lucky and the four boys weren’t gonna show up but leave it them to waltz in a few minutes before midnight, their eyes searching the crowd before a brown pair of narrowed eyes caught his attention.

san avoided the boy’s gaze to look at seonghwa, watching his eyes roam over the crowd before landing on you. his handsome face immediately drops, his jaw tightening and eyes narrowing as he watched you and hyunjin laugh together. 

the tall blonde’s hand was resting on your hip, this thumb running over the exposed skin between your jeans and shirt as you two laugh with hyunjin’s friends.

to seonghwa, it looked as if he was trying to make a move on you. that he was slowly enticing you until his hand traveled lower and lower and just the thought of it causes anger to rip through him. like an anger he’s never felt before.

because he would do that to comfort you. 

to calm your nerves and ground you if you were feeling upset and anxious, like you typically did around crowds or unfamiliar groups of people. but you looked awfully cozy next to the boy in the loud, chaotic environment, smiling up at the boy so prettily it makes him growl lowly in his chest.

“what the fuck was that?” mingi asked the boy, his eyes following seonghwa’s dark gaze before his face morphed into one of surprise. 

“ohhh shit.”

“shit,” you said under your breath, hyunjin hearing the frustration in your voice and looking down at you curiously. 

but you and san don’t look away from one another, trying so hard to remember what you said earlier. that you’re gonna ignore them and pretend they’re not even here, that you both deserve better and should move on to bigger and better things.

that if, given the opportunity, maybe it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to distract yourself with other people. and what better way than in the arms of a long haired blonde boy with the prettiest face you’ve ever seen?

“what’s wrong?” you hear his voice mumble in your ear, turning around and sucking in a breath when you realize you’re a lot closer than you thought. his eyes look over you with a soft concern, watching your drunken hazy eyes look back at him.

“no-nothing, someone’s just here who i...don’t wanna see,” you settle on saying, not needing hyunjin to know all of your baggage and nonsense drama. 

he looks at the new group of boys who just entered, recognizing them immediately and waving; he’s mostly friendly with yeosang but has seen the other three before, the dirty blonde boy eyeing him with such distaste he can only assume that’s who you’re having a problem with. 

but if you don’t wanna see him, then he’s gonna make sure you don’t. 

so he smiles down at you, his finger tapping you on the nose playfully and smiling when you giggle quietly. he’s happy to see a smile back on your face, the lingering anxiousness in your eyes making his stomach sink. 

“then i can promise he won’t be anywhere near you.”

the words send warmth through your body, your heart fluttering and cheeks turning pink as you bite your lip to hide your smile, hyunjin’s hand reaching down to interlace your fingers. you don’t miss the way the blonde’s face warms a little bit too in the dark room, turning your body and resting your head on his shoulder lazily as you talk with san and the rest of the boys.

you miss the way yeosang and mingi hold seonghwa back from charging over there, the shorter boy looking at his friend in confusion. “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he snaps, pulling the boy back by his shirt. “we just got here. you’re not about to start shit.”

“i’m not gonna start anything, i just have to-”

“stop,” wooyoung says firmly, knowing all too well the feeling seonghwa is experiencing right now; but he also knows nothing will come of acting on it. of charging over there and tearing you away from the blonde, of growling out that you’re his and shouldn’t be with other people. 

the dirty blonde snaps his head to wooyoung and resists the urge to punch him in the mouth, letting out an annoyed huff before shrugging himself away from yeosang and walking toward the kitchen to grab a drink. a drink that he holds on to for the next thirty minutes of the party, keeping the same cold bottle in his hand so people don’t ask why he’s not drinking.

he hates this shit. 

drinking and partying and mingling, passing a poorly rolled joint around like all of this is gonna make him wanna be here when really, it’s the last thing he wants. he can’t believe he’s been sitting here as long as he has, leg bouncing as he watches you smile up and chat with hyunjin as a blush spreads on your cheeks. 

there’s a hot burning feeling of anger and rage and possessiveness growing in his chest, something you brought out in him within the first few weeks of meeting. and he knows he deserves to feel this way, that he hurt you and made you feel bad and basically pushed you into another man’s arms. 

but that doesn’t mean he’s not mad. and that doesn’t mean he won’t stop it because how could he watch that? how could he sit here and watch you with someone else when he wants you to be with h-

“hyunjin,” you giggle drunkenly, feeling his breath tickle the skin of your neck. 

you both had been watching san and his friends banter back and forth, the boys loud and talkative and crazy as they relive their middle school memories. about the pranks they pulled on teachers and how much trouble they always got into. 

about how san and changbin had gone from absolutely hating each other to becoming the closest in the group; san thought changbin was mean and scary and changbin thought san was annoying and soft - and perhaps you could see what both of them were saying. 

because changbin did have a darker look in his eye, easily getting annoyed and shoving his friends around but also blocking their falls when they were about to smack into the wall. it’s nice to see san hanging out with a group of rowdy boys since these past months, he’s only been with you - a emotional, baggage-filled teenage girl. 

“what?” he whines lowly, squeezing at your hips again and causing your heart to stutter in your chest. 

it feels nice to have someone touch you again, touch you in a way that warms your body and makes you feel liked and desired. you’d gotten so used to it with....him and it’s almost like for the time being, your fragile heart is temporarily healing. 

you know the feeling is different and you know you don’t like it as much but at least hyunjin is sweet.

because you also you know tomorrow, or maybe even in a few hours, you’ll go back to normal. sad that you have to ignore the boy you love and mad that he’s making you do it in the first place. confused and irritated at just how much your head was in the clouds this summer.

but for tonight, you don’t care about any of that. you only care about that way this other boy is making you feel, someone who was a stranger when the night started but made you so comfortable so fast. made you happy and giggly and acted as the perfect distraction from the eyes that have been piercing into you all night. 

you made sure not to to look anywhere but the corner you and the boys were in, turning in hyunjin’s hold and reaching up to play with his long blonde hair.

“you...shouldn’t ever cut this,” you hiccup, a cute smile crossing the boy’s face at the sound of it.

“you like it?” he mumbles, biting down on his lip at the way your nails graze his scalp. 

he’d been on his best behavior all night, shy smiles and innocent touches as he got to know you and saw you come out of your shell bit by bit; it probably helped that he was just as nervous and uncomfortable as you.

but now, with a few drinks in him and the way you’re looking at him, he feels himself losing it. losing the resolve to be good and just wanting feel your lips against his for a second; nothing more, nothing less. 

“i like everything about you,” you say teasingly, your hand moving down to twist his necklace around your finger. the metal pulling at his neck causes his adams apple to bob, his eyes falling to your mouth at the exact moment you slip your tongue out to wet your dry lips.

the music is blaring and you think a group of kids are fighting but you can only hear the ringing in your ears and the pounding of your heart, cocking your head to the side when the eyes that have been so soft and sweet turn dark and hungry. 

“everything about me?” 

and with the way his voice drops and a pretty smirk crosses his mouth, like he knows exactly what’s he’s doing, you twist the chain between your fingers and pull him closer to you. 

his large hand moves to your face, the sound of your breathy exhale causing desire to hit him. every reaction you have is so cute and innocent despite the boldness behind them, your lingering eyes and lips pulled into a smirk making him wanna do this all night.

have your hair tangled in his hand, pulling you closer until your lips finally meet and part on one another. your tongues colliding and moans being swallowed as he presses you against the wall. hearing you sigh out his name and make sure you want to see him and kiss him.

but he doesn’t get the chance. 

because just before your lips can meet, he's harshly grabbed by the back of his shirt and shoved across the room. your eyes pop open when you nearly fall forward if not for the hard chest you bump into as seonghwa towers over you; his eyes hot and blazing and face so tense it makes your stomach swoop in nervousness.

"y/n," he growls and you immediately feel your heart start to pound, narrowing your eyes at him.

"what do you want, seonghwa?"

"what the fuck," you hear hyunjin shout, watching as the blonde stomps toward him. seonghwa rolls his eyes upon hearing it, turning around and catching the quick fist flying his way. it shocks hyunjin as much as you but the boy doesn’t show his reaction reacts, sneering at him as he asks what the hell is his problem is.

"has nothing to do with you so back off, hyunjin."

"she said she didn't wanna see you," he retorts, ripping his hand from seonghwa's grasp and pushing at him. he hits the back of the wall and you wince at the loud sound, standing in front of hyunjin as you see the dirty blonde make his way over.

"st-stop," you drunkly whine, pressing yourself back into hyunjin and causing seonghwa to growl out your name lowly. 

"no. he's right. i didn't wanna see you."

he bites the inside of your cheek when those words leave your mouth, your heart sinking at the way his face every so slightly drops and eyes twinge with hurt.

"just give me five minutes. i need it."

"and i need you to leave me alone. i've given you almost three months, what's so different now?"

you were with someone else, he thinks, you were with someone else and there's nothing he hates more than seeing his girl with a guy who's not him. he's had to watch it all fucking night and it's killing him, making him so god damn angry and jealous he thinks he's about to explode.

but if you guys kissed, he'd be over. he would've gone over and beat the shit out of the long, blonde haired boy watching you two right now with curious eyes.

"y/n," he growls again.

but you only roll your eyes because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his pride. he saw you with someone else while you haven't looked his way, smiling and giggling and trying to forget him in the arms of someone else.

and it was working, it really was working. your heart feel like something other than the breaking, crumbling mess it's been since the moment you left your aunt's house. since the stupid boy looking at you like you're the one hurting him started this mess in the first place.

"i don't wanna talk to you!" you whine loudly, stomping the few steps toward him and pushing him back with all the force you can muster; but given your size difference and drunken state, he doesn't go far. he only clenches his jaw and wraps his hand around your wrist, dragging you outside despite you telling him to stop manhandling you.

you don't know where san is, thinking those two conspiring assholes made their moves on you at the same time, and you hear hyunjin's friend telling him not to cause problems with them. but you don't wanna be anywhere near him, especially in this vulnerable state.

because you know you're gonna end up crying and you're so fucking sick of crying. so sick of saying the same things to him and then hearing his lousy apologies over and over again. having the memories of your summer play in your mind when he says a certain word or gives you a familiar look.

you're so sick of him and a part of you wishes you never met him. that you just spent your summer quietly inside or at the beach with your aunt so you didn't realize you were capable of being loved by a man like him, even if it was just for a short time and in private.

even if everything might've been a lie. because it's the memories of him that makes this so hard, remembering how the same boy who could look so unbothered about you was the same boy who'd mumble into your skin that he loved you.

the same boy who now dragged you outside, the crisp night air cooling your warm, flushed skin. you cross your arms as you look up at him with your face pinched in anger, tears of frustration already pricking your eyes.

"what is wrong with you!" you yell, your hands balling into fists as you resist the urge to stomp your foot and smack him. his eyes narrow and he steps forward, his large hand taking your face in his hold. his thumb rubs at your hot skin gently, anger coursing through him at himself.

this is his fault. this is all his fault and now you're sad and drunk and ready to cry.

"you're drunk," he states obviously. you roll your eyes at his statement, biting the inside of your cheek so you don't say the vengeful comment that wants to leave you.

but because you are drunk and pissed and not in your right frame of mind, you say it anyway.

"so what," you snap at him. "if you're thinking that's why i was about to make out with hyunjin, then you're absolutely-"

anger flares in his eyes and he tugs you closer to him, tightening his hold on you. everything inside of you is screaming to push him away and yell at him, tell him he doesn't get to do this anymore; that you're not his and you never were.

but you can't find the words in your fuzzy brain, looking up at his dark gaze and feeling a sense of pride in how angry that made him, especially when his words are lowly growled at you.

"you better fuckin' stop, y/n."

"i don't think i will," you say, pressing your body closer to him and moving your finger over his lips. "i think i'll kiss you both and see who does it better." his jaw tightens at the same time his hands on your wrist and hip do, growling another warning "stop it," in your ear. 

"why? at least hyunjin was gonna kiss me in front of people.”

your words are powerful and biting but the hurt in them is obvious. hurt that's been building up for months and festering. "he even talked to me all night in front of people. and you just watched from a-far, as usual," you hiccup, "like you didn't even know me."

his eyes soften at your tone and he drops your wrist from his hold, looking down at you carefully in case you're gonna try to flee. but your vengeful look is quickly changing to sadness, seeing him stand in front of you with his gaze softening by the second.

"y/n, baby, i would talk to you but-"

"but nothing," you snap, your eyes shooting to his. "i am so fucking sick of us having this conversation, seonghwa. just admit i wa-wasn't anything to you and we can move on with our lives."

"stop. fucking. saying that," he says, taking your face in his hands and holding it tightly. his warm hands on your skin makes tears prick your head, his chest heaving as he tries to control the emotions ripping through him.

"stop giving me hope," you cry out, "stop making me think you're gonna admit that you love me. that you loved me at all and actually considered giving us a chance."

the more you get worked up, the more you start to hiccup and the tighter he holds you. he hates seeing you like this and it's obvious in the way his stomach is sinking, how he just wants to take you back to his house and mumble apologies against your skin until you give him another chance.

"i do love you."

"w-we knew each other for two months, that's not enough time to love.”

because that’s another thing you started to think. maybe you both were just confused about what you felt, so consumed by teenage lust and fascination that you convinced yourselves it was love; you didn’t think that was the case for you, but maybe for him.

maybe it wasn’t enough time for him to love.

"yes it is," he growls, pushing you back until you hit the brick wall behind you. you swallow nervously at how close he's pressed up against you. he can smell the alcohol on you mixed with the scent of your perfume and he remembers it so vividly.

lingering when you would pass him on the beach, faintly on the case of his pillow after you would sleep in his bed, tickling his nose when you would fall asleep on his shoulder; even when you were sick and smelt like sweat, you had that scent.

"don't fucking tell me it's not enough time when you're the only person i've ever felt like this about," he says lowly, his voice low and deep and so full of certainty, your stupid little heart lifts again. "and i know you feel the same way."

you swallow the lump in your throat and tears are burning your eyes at the way he's so close to you. his hand’s right next to your head and his body is right against yours, finding comfort in the feeling you were so trying so hard to forget.

but because you know seonghwa would never hurt you and welcome his presence despite everything, you don't realize how bad this position looks.

not until an unfamiliar, feminine voice speaks up.

"hey! get the hell away from her!"

"jojo, they might be-"

"she's about to cry, that's definitely fucking not-"

"okay, relax!”

the small girl with long brown hair looks at you with sympathy swarming in your eyes, her friend eyeing seonghwa suspiciously and looking ready to fight him.

"hey, are you okay?"

your lip wobbles at the soft kindness of the girl's voice, the one named jojo looking between you and seonghwa. "ye-yes," you hiccup, shooting the girls a small smile as they narrow their eyes. "i promise, i'm okay. we're just....talking."

"why are you pinning her against the wall?" the girl asks, feisty and eyes blazing; seonghwa can smell the alcohol on her breath but has a feeling she's usually this bold without the liquid courage.

"i'm just talking to her."

“you can’t talk to her without towering over her?”

seonghwa looks at girl with an annoyed look, throwing his hands up innocently before taking a few steps away from you.

the girl looks at you and you nod your head to confirm that it’s okay and you are just talking, eyes shining with gratitude despite the tears in them. the two girls look at you for a few silent moments before nodding their heads.

"we'll be around, if you need help call out."

"thank you but i promise i'm okay," you hiccup, the girl giving the tall boy one last dirty look before walking away.

"you can't just do that shit, jo. you have to be careful."

"oh please, what were his chicken legs really gonna do?"

you wanna laugh at the girls comment but can only feel sadness in your chest, you and seonghwa looking at each other as his hands run through his light hair. your eyes train on the floor and he lets out a long exhale, looking at your dejected, drained figure.

"i was never more honest about my shit than when i was with you this summer, y/n," he finds himself finally saying truthfully. 

he was happiest with you, he wished he could be like that all the time and wanted nothing more than that. wished he could believe every day of his life that he was good for you and treat you as such.

you swallow the lump in your throat and the tears are stinging your eyes so badly at the way he's saying this. how his words always sound so true and genuine and make your heart soar.

"but now you're lying," you squeak out shakily, your watery eyes meeting his and making his lips turn into a frown. "you're lying and it's hurting me. i feel like...i feel like i don’t even know what the truth is anymore.” 

he swallows the lump in his throat at your words, watching your eyes roam his face before a tear runs down your cheek. 

"i wish i never met you," you blurt out honestly, your words breathy and full of sadness. "because you've hurt me so badly and have made me so sad but i still..." you can't say the words that you still love and want him because it's so stupid.

"come here," he says, his voice low and pained but direct as he looks at you. a whimper leaves your mouth as you shake your head at him, trying to back away from him but only pushing yourself further into the wall.

"no," you brokenly whisper, voice small and shaky as you feel all the giddy drunkenness drain from you. now it's like every sad and heartbroken emotion you've felt hits you tenfold, your chest and stomach physically paining you.

"please, baby," he says lowly, his voice making your stomach twist even more.

"we're gonna figure it out but, please baby, for now, i need you with me. i'm here with you. we're both here and we have time left together."

you stay planted against his shirt until your tears stop falling, nodding your head against him and feeling your face flush with embarrassment. you hadn't meant to avoid him all day but you were just so sad when you realized how many days you had left with him. until you were ripped apart and wouldn't see other for god knows how long.

"i know it's hard and i'm not mad at you," he says again when he sees guilt and shame in your eyes. "but i'm here. how many times did i have to say it, pretty girl," he hums lowly, his hand running softly through your hair as his tone is laced with slight amusement.

"you can't call me that," you say, shaking your head as tears continue to blur your vision. "or look at me like that. it's not fair."

his eyebrow quirks up and he takes another step toward you, his heart dropping at the way your face falls even more. you know he's about to reach out and hug you and pull you into his arms and you're gonna crumble. cry into his chest and have him stroke your hair and tell you everything's gonna be okay.

but it's not okay. how he's treated you isn't okay. how he's discrediting everything you guys had isn't okay. and it's not okay that every part of you is gonna be willing to forgive him.

"none of this is fair," you say when he leans closer, voice dripping with anger and sadness as you smack at his chest. "you're hurting me and you could give a shit and i wish i never fucking met you. why did you do this?" 

you knock your fists into his chest and he takes every single one as he wraps his arms around you and pulls your body closer.

he shushes your muffled cries against your head, muttering that he's so sorry over and over again. sorry that he knew he wasn't good for you but allowed this to happen anyway and sorry that he can't say he wishes he never met you.

because meeting you was quite easily the best thing that ever happened to him and he thinks it's about time he proves that to you. he holds you until it seems as if every last tear is out of your system, your body slumping into his chest before he hears your breaths even out.

(part 18)