#there are essays to be written abt them but not today.

[dunmesh]

never getting over mithrun accidentally creating the right circumstances leading to senshi's resolution after all those years in the dungeon and then chapters later it's senshi who unintentionally gives mithrun the final push towards accepting his new life. cheers to helping each other heal from one's trauma without even getting to know one another

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[emeliejeannie]

last chapter of "Open my eyes" today :(

it's been so fun following this fic, geeking, freaking out, almost having multiple heart attacks, all that fun stuff. so when it comes out later tonight (it's nighttime for me) I will try and write an "essay" on it. my thoughts, feelings, etc. and it will probably be on this post, so look out for that. (now under the cut)

this fic is so well written. everything comes together so smoothly!

I adore the pure ACCURACY of these characters. the entire time I was reading, I went "this is SO them!!!" I just love the way Bugga writes, man.

Cerise made me want to strangle the screen! so good, this is how you make a character dislikeable in a good way.

and also! I didn't think this was possible, but ofc, Bugga does the impossible yet again. she made me LIKE FELIX. the people who know me know that I can't stand that dude. but Bugga changed my mind somehow. it's so mind blowing how just writing alone can change someone's mind like that.

I felt so sad for AdriChat, my poor baby. he's been through so much, and I hope the show will address this in S6 like Bugga did here. there's so much to unpack, and she did it all in just a 15 chapter fanfiction... FOR FREE. I would pay to read this if I could. I doubt the writers will accomplish anything even remotely close to this masterpiece. Adrien's reactions are so realistic for his character, so justified. I could feel his anger and sadness when reading, and I understood every action and thought. he was so great here.

and Marinette... my favorite girlfailure Marinette.

she's so accurate the way she responds to things. Marinette is ACTION, she doesn't think much before she goes through with things. she fails sometimes to consider "what would *person* want in this situation?"

example: Guilttrip with Juleka and Rose, the s5 finale (lying to Adrien to avoid hurting him), Mr pigeon 72 with Kagami, etc.

she's so focused on trying to protect the person or make them feel better that the thought of putting herself in their shoes slips her mind. that doesn't mean she's selfish or emotionless. just that she tends to get tunnel-sighted a lot.

(there's a post abt that, which explains it pretty well by @parismystere, here: https://www.tumblr.com/parismystere/665795662618771456/marinette-is-sympathetic-adrien-is-empathetic)

in conclusion: I love this artwork so much. everything is so... just 🤌🏻, I could kiss it if I could. thank you so much @buggachat for sharing this with us.

BRB, about to re-read Open my eyes now.

[communistkenobi]

Hey Nick, I was wondering if you had any reading recommendations for ppl looking to get more into political/leftist theory? Ik you've posted a lot about The Authoritarian Personality and I agree with your insights and posts abt it and I'm considering picking that up! But I also wanted to know if you have any other recs besides that? Anyways, thanks so much, and give Muffin a pet for me! :^)

I would recommend reading historical non fiction written from leftist perspectives. I often find that to be A) a more approachable start if you’re not super familiar/comfortable with the more dense and abstract theoretical texts, and B) very instructive in what the actual value of leftist political thought is, how it’s been built and shaped throughout history, and the core contradictions that exist within class relationships. Reading about the Haitian Revolution is a great start, either Black Jacobins or Avengers of the New World (I’ve only read the latter but I’ve heard Black Jacobins is the better of the two so I recommend that one, Avengers was a bit dry). Cesaire’s Discourse on Colonialism essay is also fantastic, I find him to be very insightful (and funny) without speaking in the more dry academic tones you’d find in a lot of other theory. + I think it’s foundational in describing what colonialism “is”, not just as a historical process but as a historical force itself

I would also recommend David Harvey’s work, he’s a very influential marxist geographer and has written a lot about how neoliberalism is expressed in the built environment/urban contexts (+ I think neoliberalism is one of those concepts that’s extremely valuable to understand because it’s the dominant expression of capitalism, and knowing exactly what it is and what it does will be very useful in helping you understand a lot of what’s happening today economically). He also wrote what I believe is a fairly famous book called A Companion to Marx’s Capital, though I haven’t read that one. Everything I’ve read of Marx’s work has been fairly impenetrable, so (echoing advice I hear often) I would recommend secondary sources that either commentate or criticise his stuff. Which is extremely easy to find because everyone is responding to Marx lol

OH also Transgender Marxism is a self explanatory collection of essays on the topic of transness and marxism. I’ve read a couple of the essays in there that I’ve been impressed with, particularly Seizing the Means: Towards a Trans Epistemology and ‘Why Are We Like This?’: The Primacy of Transsexuality.

I can provide you the list of books I’ve bought and intend to read after I’m finished The Authoritarian Personality but haven’t gotten around to yet. A lot of the stuff ive read are journal articles / books that are written specifically to be taught in universities so they aren’t necessarily good to recommend because they can be hard to find/expensive/annoying to read. Although if you do want some recommendations in that vein I’d be happy to share a list + any PDFs I have on hand

Anyway this is what I want to read after I’m finished auth personality:

A People’s History of the United States (I almost always see this on “so you want to start reading leftist theory” lists)

The Jakarta Method (a book about the United State’s anti communist foreign policy during the Cold War. I hear the subject matter is pretty horrifying but very illuminating)

Are Prisons Obsolete? By Angela Davis

I also listen to podcasts about theory by other grad students but idk if that’s what you’re looking for. If you are I recommend Liv Agar and What’s Left of Philosophy. Obviously this has a lower bar on quality and fact checking but I find them enjoyable. Also if you’re into podcasts Blowback is really good (covers the Iraq War and Cuban Revolution).

Sorry this is a bit scatterbrained but I hope that helps lmao. If that’s not helpful I can take a look at some of the shit I have downloaded on my computer. Mutuals can also chime in if they have book/essay recommendations

[tasteleeknow]

Hi! I am wondering do you read romance books and if you do what are your fav tropes/ books/authors? Thanks for providing us with such amazing steaming hot fanfics <3

omg your timing.. i was just thinking about this earlier today. i read a lot or i usually do but i haven't since i started writing in september. practically all my free time goes into writing at the moment.

i've had lots of different phases with romance though! i think my most recent was historical romance and then i had a reverse harem (one woman x multiple men) phase before that. they were always like soulmate au but theres like three men and each one fills like a different role like one was puppy and soft and one is tsundere etc etc you get. i've also read all the typical mainstream ones like court of misty and fury (winged dark soulmate who is all soft inside sigh also i think its chapter 52 ??? reread that a lot).

the most recent historial romance i've read was kerrigan bryne's victorian rebels series. the thing about the romance genre is you have to get past the titles and book covers to find gems hfdj. anyway yeah some of those just hit the spot for me. historical romance is really good for like forbidden romance vibes ya know lots of pining. also i literally cannot leave out pride and prejudice. the book and the 2005 film are my comfort media.

i think in terms of like common themes i like it's usually like a dark on the outside but soft on the inside love interest who basically ends up borderline obsessed with the heroine but it isn't toxic ya know? lots of pining required hfjds i actually had like a dramione phase for awhile (even though i've never read the books and don't actually care abt harry potter) because of the dynamic a lot of authors write them with. he's all dark and brooding and he ends up really soft and like desperately in love. 'manacled' is a fic on ao3 which has really dark themes but has some of the best writing and plot and characters i've read in fic (or in general). but yeah BIG trigger warning, read all the tags first. i could rec a lot of fics in that pairing that are really good even if you are like me and don't care abt the original source material at all.

i'm realising i've written an essay. i really could talk about this forever lmao i'm sorry!

[bowlerhatwearer]

This is something that came to mind today after i watched a reaction video of TADC ep 2: How much do you need to do for your audience to care abt your characters really? cus like, you probably heard complaints along the lines of "why should we care about a character we just met" or "character who we don't know much about". but like, for me personality I can get easily invested into characters, and I doubt I'm the only one. so what gives?

this sounds like something from a video essay but I'm certainty never gonna make one

Greetings Annoyingheartenthusiast :-.)

How are you doing and how are things going for you?

Whether a character is liked or not, I have to admit is a mystery to me mysel, I am always surprised what characters get, and don't get popular in media. Sometimes a character that was intended to get popular, ends up being disliked, while a random background character gets instantly loved.

But, I believe there might be a few reasons that speak for a character getting popular.

For example, a character that stands out, might it be due to their backstory, design, their personality, character etc. gets often liked / easily gets popular.

Then of course it also depends on the audience, sometimes the people who enjoy the media, just prefer Character B over Character A, despite A being, the protagonist or one of the main characters.

Something else that comes into my mind right now is how sometimes the villain gets liked more than the hero, due to their backstory, or again, their design with the fans maybe believing that the villain is better explored or written as the hero.

What is also interesting is, how sometimes a side-character, who was only meant to appear for, one episode / one chapter, gets very well liked, with sometimes the character being lamented when they no longer appear or are killed off, because of wasted opportunities, from what I have heard and read.

I believe that, you can try as much as you want to make a character popular, in the end, the fans decide whether they like them or not, and sometimes it is the character you are least expecting, turns into the fan favorite.

Often personal/individual affinity also plays a big role whether people care, or don't care for a character.

Something I wonder and theorize about is, that, a character has a better chance to be liked, when they act more natural...and relatable to people, when they can maybe associate themself...or a part of themself with said character, or said character is at least sympathetic / makes them feel sympathy.

I also can relate to you Annoyingheartenthusiast , I easily get invested in characters, even if they are just a background or side-character, which is why it often saddens me when they eventually vanish, or get killed off.

Since you have mentioned the second episode of the Amazing Digital Circus, I have to admit that while I haven't watched the series yet, I have seen, that from what I have noticed on my dashboard, a lot of people appear to like the Candy Crocodile that has appeared in Episode 2 ^^

[canarymemories]

21 + 25 for izumi and leo!!

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

that's such a good question and i've been thinking abt this today bc i don't think there is something that is like. my Most Favorite thing to do with them, little things maybe, but idk if it's because i haven't written them much lately (haven't written much of anything lately rip) that i'm really sat here like um,,, i think something that's fun to write with izumi is physical affection. neither of them are really good at voicing their thoughts or feelings and sometimes i think about meowzart's debut fic (trio) and there's a lot of just little physical affection moments from izumi that live in my head (be free and write ur self indulgent fics guys, it's so nice) (plus i have thoughts abt izumi and physical affection but it's 1 in the am and i need to be up early so. that's for another day ig). trying to figure out leo's is so,,, you'd think i'd have more to say abt him w having a whole lot written centering around him (looks away from symphony). i do like the concept of him learning how to write music again or maybe not so much learning, but letting himself go back to that. i just think he's a little silly goofy too and he's fun to use to create plots that are a little silly goofy like the nui izlo i've had on the back burner since august (i'll finish it eventually, i promise). as for what i don't like, that's an even better question. i'll get back to u on that lmao

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

i don't remember if i said it here (i think i have. maybe (has a horrible memory)) but fun fact, i didn't like either of them when i started enstars lmao didn't really like knights as a whole but. then they crawled into my brain and never left. so way back at the end of may last year, the usa mv came out and that, unironically, was my entry to enstars. i knew engstars was coming out soon so i decided, bc i had nothing better to do quite frankly, i would watch the anime. this decision made me very much not like izumi for a while asdkhg leo i don't remember having any real like thoughts towards him, i think i was just kind of neutral. i like to think we all know how i feel about them both now 😔😔 (i love them both dearly and would die for them both. could probably write essays about both of them)

ask game

[allherfaeriesmeetinjuly]

this week recap because it is absolutely necessary

mon: good day actually; every monday is. got a beautiful scrumptious breathtaking 8 in science class, FULL MARKS !! edited 4 english the whole night. pajama day

tues: morning 4:20; finished editing for english — having trouble sending the file to dr. not showering, yet. so sleeping sideways on the bed and then showering 2 hrs later, at 6:50 am. late but not really, i had a field trip that day. science cooking field trip — made pad see ew and spring rolls really well. went out to feed some fish, got my matcha latte, played cards, went back to school, slept next to Her, mandarin ASA + gossip, finished the written proposal becuz apparently i forgot.

weds: career day! slept at 2 (early) dressed as a “writer” CAS day or service action day. went to my class and wrote some meaningless poetry + journaling. went in the library and talk w Her and LV. made some posters. bought canva pro (cancel it before next month!!) boring assembly, talked with them much more.

thurs: character day. dressed as wednesday while LV as enid. love finding people w different styles tbh. very cool day. did absolutely nothing.. ooh! had a conversation abt AI in education and how that affects future career prospects. played card games. downloaded restaurant dash or gordon ramsay is surprisingly nice but like nice nice in this (he does not talk like that.) took vids and pics, i cannot deny it anymore i am turning into those taking tiktoks in the bathroom and occupying all the space girlies. ♡

friday: today! we’re having a gender reveal party apparently, a birthday shower (theme)? rcl is the mum. i wore pink for the festivities (girl). i don’t get the gender binary thing but oh well. ITS A GIRL (update). (also update) I GOT ALL 8’S FOR MY VIDEO ESSAY !!! YES!! i’m so happy so so definitely proud of myself for all the hard work i did. it paid off so well. i love u. also played a ton of card games <33. lana’s ocean blvd how can i forget??? i forgot my headphones so i literally cannot wait to go home to listen to it omg i’m so excited. also I LoVE Her. can u make me forget? i love her.

[pepprs]

finished my essay YEAHHHHH BABEYYYYYYY

[jadeittic]

HS + Y/I: 2022 (SERIES)

EXTRA (4)

PREVIOUS. NEXT.

HARRY STYLES + PLATONIC!EX-1D MEMBER!FEM!READER

WARNINGS: ur usual instagram comments, swearing

harrystyles

liked by yourinstagram, blakelively, dkharbour, and 6,355,977 others

harrystyles HS + Y/I. Out now.

view all 321,764 comments

yourinstagram 🤔

username THE LONG AWAITED COLLABORATION

florencepugh im such a proud mom

username ive never felt at home until i listened to their music. youve helped me alot<3

username I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PROUD OF ANYONE EVER.

timotheechalamet I HAVE THIS ON REPEAT

username is it possible to have a relationship with the both of you please 😊

username preventing myself from writing a whole ass essay just because of this

username LITTLE FREAK???? MATILDA???? WHO HURT YALL 😔

username NOW WHOS CINEMA WRITTEN ABT

username i hope you two know that youve helped me so much i dont even know how to explain it in words

yourinstagram

liked by austinbutler, benbarnes, devonleecarson, and 4,805,472 others

yourinstagram a little birdie told me we released hs + y/i today 🧐

view all 290,849 comments

zendaya SO PROUD OF MY GIRL!!!! ❤️

austinbutler ❤️

username 🤨🤨🤨 hello??????????

username is this the duo we never knew we needed

username i have never ever been so confused with my life until i read the comments

harrystyles Alice would love this. Not sure about Jack, though.

username WHOS ALICE??? JACK??? I AM SO CONFUSED

username I JUST LISTENED TO THE ALBUM AND ITS WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AND AMAZING. YOU BOTH ARE AMAZING.

username first austin, now HARRY????

username THIS ALBUM SAVED MY LIFE

username WHEN HAVE YOU EVER MADE A BAD SONG. THATS RIGHT, NEVER.

ynrrystan

liked by username, and 23,160 others

ynrrystan YN LN seen leaving the airport at NYC just this morning. It is rumored that Harry Styles was seen with her a few minutes before.

view all 5,694 comments

username 2022 IS THEIR YEAR!

username you cannot even see a small hint of jet lag on her face that is so impressive

username is she and harry going to perform?? if so im so looking forward to it!

username I WILL NEVER STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO HS + Y/I. EVEN IF I DIE

username ARE THEY HAVING SHOW

username it is not confirmed but it is said that they will perform hs + y/i

username SHES SO EFFORTLESSLY BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOSHHHH

username THIS IS A CHANCE I GET TO SEE THEM AGAIN I LIVE IN NYC

yourinstagram

liked by clairo, maitreyiramakrishnan, simuliu, and 4,374,625 others

yourinstagram reminder: this is one night only, nyc.

view all 478,825 comments

username WHY IS SHE SO HOT WHAT

username IM SO SAD I CANT GO WTF I SPENT ALL MY MONEY AT COACHELLA

username harry you are so goddamn lucky to even talk to her omgggg

username YNRRY👏ONO👏LETS👏GOOOO👏

username YALL ARE SO BUSY TAKE A BREAK

yourinstagram believe me im trying to. someones stopping me from doing so

harrystyles You’re making me the bad guy again.

username so fucking excited to see yall tomorrow

username YOU DONT KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN DREAMING OF THIS

ynupdates

liked by username, and 26,473 others

ynupdates yn ln and harry styles tonight at one night only nyc!

view all 13,650 comments

username THEY COMPLIMENT ONE ANOTHER SO WELL

username OMG EVEN IF THEYRE WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES THEY MANAGE TO FIT TOGETHER

username what the fuuuuuck I WASNT THERE 😭

username SO FUCKING POWERFUL

username THE DUALITY THESE TWO HAVE

username is it still love at first sight if ive seen them more than once

username THE SUNGLASSES ARE MINE HOLY LORD SHE WORE IT

username LUCKYYYYY

username ITS LIKE YNRRY AT 1D ALL OVER AGAIN IM CRYINF

username WHAT I WOULD DO TO REWIND TONIGHT

ynrryforeva

liked by username, and 14,972 others

ynrryforeva one night only, nyc

view all 5,728 comments

username god and goddess

username sometimes soulmates dont need to be romantic

username she played safe and she didnt trip

yourinstagram DONT REMIND ME

username THEY WERE SO HYPER TONIGHT I COULDNT KEEP UP

username I WANT THEY HAD BEFORE STAGE

username WHEN THEY SANG LITTLE FREAK. I HAVE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH

username tell me why i was expecting the other boys to show up.

username WHY ARE THEY SO

username MOM AND DADD

username i had a sore throat after the show

ynupdates

liked by username, and 9,428 others

ynupdates yn ln covers lady gaga’s judas at one night only, new york!

view all 5,496 comments

username SHES THE BIGGEST LADY GAGA FAN I KNOW

username mommy? sorry. mommy..?

username HARRY WAS SO PROUD OF HER

username does she know what she does to us

username THIS COVER WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY MIND RENT FREE

username actually guys she sang that to me bcs she knew judas is my favorite song

username girl…. ik you dont know me but…

username im coming to all of yall as a woman..

username EVEN HARRY BECAME A FANBOY

username SHES SO MOMMY

username ONG SHE CAN USE ME EVERYDAY

username she acts, she models, she sings, omg girl what else can you not do?

yourinstagram

liked by conangray, hichasestokes, madelyncline, and 7,663,555 others

yourinstagram this was one night only, new york.

view all 349,991 comments

username OOOO WHAT A CHANGE OF POSTING

username THIS PHOTO. LORD HAVE MERCY

username im gonna say this one more time… ALL HAIL YNRRY!

username AS YOU SHOULD

username DAMN FUCKING RIGHT

username fruit king

username YALL DROPPED THIS 👑👑

username THEYRE BREAKING THE WORLD

username ON MY KNEES FOR THIS MAN

username THE OUTFITS YALL GAVE US

harrystyles

liked by clairo, kit.connor, maudeapatow, and 7,621,733 others

harrystyles One Night Only. New York. May, 2022.

view all 366,267 comments

username JUDAS QUEEENNNNN

username I WISH I WAS THERE

username SO SO SO SO SO PROUD OMGGG

username i experienced this moment. this exact moment im telling you

username ROCKSTAR BF AND GF

username THE GOATTTT

username the vibes they put on stage that night. i will do anything to experience that again.

username got me crying and shiiii

username THEY LOOKED SO HAPPY ON STAGE I MISSED THEM BOTH TOGETHER

[matoitech]

also also! to get more specific! could u talk about more on how he interacts w the world with his special interest? i like how he doesn't stop talking about it (affectionately) because honestly i wish that were me i love him so much and seeing him share it with his friends

i wish i could get a bigger better thing out for this but im way tired today thank u sm for the ask regardless, but yeah for sure! galos identity intertwined w his special interest in like historical japanese firefighting is absolutely a lense thru which he views himself and how he understands stuff and how he interacts w others, him introducing himself thru talking abt matoi is a big clue in2 this bcuz autistic ppl do generally interact w our interests and view them in relation to ourselves in a very passionate involved way like galo does and ive written more essays abt this but him bringing it up w burning rescue when he met them as his introduction to HIM, sharing something deeply important to him with other ppl to try and connect w them... his mech being based around matoi, being unable to fight in the lio de galon without the matoi (and how lio reacted by not ridiculing him like other ppl did after galo was like hey dont be rude this is fucking important to me!! and just making him a super cool matoi to use without fuss...) all his declarations about and goals about firefighting. he bases his view of himself off of this. and thats also why finding out kray manipulated him in2 it as a career is .. probably extremely painful for him and ive talked b4 abt how theres no way postcanon galo will be able to just move on w/o trying to untangle how much of this and his career is Him and how much of it was pushed on him without him recognizing that kray just wanted him dead as easy a way as possible... but anyway. I LIKE THAT HE DOESNT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT TOO!!! he wants to share this thing hes incredibly passionate about that means a lot to him with other people, its his way of connecting with them, and how lio interacted w him about it was the best way he'd gotten treated abt it in the whole movie and i think that SAYS SOMETIHNG. galo and lio being able to communicate and understand each other and even when they might not fully get it they make an effort and thats such a like integral part of their relationship and characterization and why they act the way they do in the movie. its the autism4autism for me

[venusmages]

[CW: talking abt queer theory and mentioning a transphobic author]

Listen im not saying compulsory heterosexuality DOESN'T exist in some shape or form, but ignoring even the modern way its been used to try and shame and enforce the "gold star lesbian" standard onto us - the theory originally was written straight up by a transmisogynist.

Adrienne Rich was the author who first penned Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence in 1980. And yes, I have actually READ it. It's only 32 pages long and not that difficult to get through. (more info and sources are under the cut)

Despite the book having what I do think are very good viewpoints and ultimately a good intention, its completely irresponsible to ignore the fact that the woman was a classic TERF. She was a gender essentialist and was a HUGE supporter of Janice G. Raymond (who wrote The Transsexual Empire: The Making of the She-Male). Raymond even shouted her out in that awful book. They were bros. I know its sad to acknowledge a lot of older lesbian authors were transphobic, and I know it was 40+ years ago. I DO think there is a level of needing to acknowledge the time period where things were written and what was considered progressive and socially acceptable back then. But I also don't think its fair to just completely ignore that the woman who penned a theory that now is being used by a LOT of radfems and their supporters today to go after gay women that don't hold up to certain "standards"... was written by a transphobic person.

Its almost as if I don't pull these TERF criticisms out of my ass from nothing. Isn't that something!

When Rich wrote about focusing on other women as a way to uplift other gay women, she meant to look upon other gay women in a positive way. To listen to them and understand THEIR viewpoints, especially because we don't have a surplus of text, art, etc. in the public conciousness made by gay women. Ironic, then, that both she and modern day TERFS use it as a way to splinter the community and silence women that don't fit in their boxes. To try and forcibly slingshot us back into heterosexual space where we inherently don't belong.

You need to know your history but, especially with Queer Theory or any subject matter you want to debate, also know the person BEHIND that history. I think its very important to read these authors but you also need to update your own belief as the world moves forward. Comphet was written in the 80's and its always going to be stuck that way. If you're reading this post, it means you're a Currently Alive Person, which means you're malleable and need to be willing to update your views for the betterment of gay women. Don't come to me with this comphet bullshit unless you actually have read the original essay and are willing to come to grips with everything stated above. There's a reason a lot of queer women are leaving the term behind.

I also implore you to read "What Kind of Times Are These" by Jennifer Boylan. Shes a trans woman who did enjoy parts of Adrienne's writings like a lot of us do - but also discusses how it was important for Adrienne's views to be publicly acknowledged. Instrument in the Shape of a Woman by Alison Rumfitt discuses her, too. It's never been a "cancellation" of Adrienne and writers like her, because its true that they've contributed a lot to the community. But holding their WORST beliefs accountable and bringing them to the forefront is mandatory for the queer community - especially for queer women- to grow.

Sources (including a link to the essay): X X X X X

[schrijverr]

'Till Death Do Us Part

Part 6 out of 13

When Alex has to bring Philip to work, he and Thomas discover that they both have something in common: they lost their love. They form an unexpected bond and connection about this that grows into something more.

A medium burn with parental feelings about Philip and flowers.

On AO3.

Ships: Jamilton

Warnings: brief mention of trauma in regards to water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 6: Garden Daisy Means ‘I Share Your Sentiments’

Alex and Philip played in the park the next day. He pushed Philip on the swings, they tossed a ball back and forth, making Alex feel very stereotypical, so he taught Philip how to make flower crowns from the little daisies in the grass.

Philip was especially excited about making the daisy chains, telling Alex animatedly about making one at school tomorrow: “Yeah, Theo loves flowers, so I’ll make her one, because she is my bestest friend.”

“I’m sure, she’ll appreciate that,” Alex smiled.

“Are you going to make one for Mr. Thomas?” Philip asked.

Alex shook his head: “Probably not, buddy. I don’t think Thomas is much of a flower crown person, but it’s a sweet thought of you.”

“Why?”

“What? I’m going to need more context than that, Pip.”

“Why doesn’t Mr. Thomas want a flower crown?” Philip asked, looking heartbroken about it as he then also asked, “Is a flower crown not a fun gift for your bestest friends?”

“No, no, Pip, it’s a wonderful gift for Theo tomorrow, but are Theo and Thomas really the same?” he tried to do damage control.

Philip thought about it, then said: “No, but they both think my art is the coolest and they like hearing about dinos and Uncle Laf said Mr. Thomas really liked the flowers you gave him and that he was adorable over them, so he must like the flowers. Don’t you think, so Papa?”

“Uncle Laf said what?” Alex was unable to help himself, immediately backtracking, not wanting to involve his kid in that, “Never mind, not important. You make some really good points, Pip,” he had to acknowledge that, but he wasn’t giving Thomas a flower crown.

“I do?” Pip sounded excited about it.

“Yes, you do,” building up self esteem was good, “But Papa is probably not going to do that, because there are no flowers around the office and they will wilt if I make it now,” he wasn’t going to make Philip sad, so hopefully that would be enough.

Philip hummed thoughtfully, then shook off the entire thing: “I suppose you’re right.”

They went home soon after, eating dinner, before Alex read Philip a bedtime story. When Philip had drifted off, he gave him a kiss on the forehead: “Sleep tight, Pip. You’re going places.”

In return Philip snuggled closer into his pillow with a soft sigh. Alex smiled at the sleeping kid, before retreating downstairs, planning to work a bit on his essay about biphobia within the queer community.

He had written a few good paragraphs when his phone buzzed. He picked it up and smiled when he saw it was a message from Thomas: ‘Since you told me that if I wanted to pay so bad, I would have to ask you out and because I said I would, here is me formally asking if you have time next Saturday?

Alex giggled at the wording, before shooting back: ‘dork’

‘me and pip usually hang out on saturdays, but i think hercs free to babysit’

Thomas replied: ‘I was hoping to take you on a picnic, if Philip wants to come and you don’t mind, he’s more than welcome’

That was something Alex hadn’t seen coming. He would love if Thomas and Pip got along and it seemed Thomas was willing to spend time with his son, but he worried that the man had only offered out of guilt.

He took a quick screenshot and send it to Angelic, asking: ‘is this thomas being nice and awkward abt it even though he doesnt mean it?’

After a few seconds, she replied: ‘He wouldn’t lie about shit like that, now reply before he gets anxious about your silence’

‘yes, ma’am’

Alex quickly went back to the chat with Thomas and send: ‘ill ask if he wants to come, but iwould love to take you up on the invitation :D’

‘Good’

‘Talk to you tomorrow?’

‘yeah, see you then’

‘goodnight’

‘Sleep tight, Alex’

Alex sat for a moment smiling dumbly at his phone, looking forwards to tomorrow to see Thomas again as he got up to get ready for bed.

The next day, he quickly put his stuff in his office, before going to the break room, knowing that Thomas would be in soon and meet him there. It always took a few minutes, so Alex busied himself with making coffee, trying not to look at the door.

He was just taking his first sip when Thomas came in. Almost choking he managed to wave as he greeted: “Hi.”

“Hello, be careful there,” Thomas smirked, noticing Alex struggle with the coffee.

“Shove off,” Alex told him, finally swallowing the sip that had betrayed him.

“Nah, don’t wanna,” Thomas shrugged, making himself coffee, “How was your weekend? Did you get terrorized by Lafayette as well?”

“God, he got you too?” Alex asked.

“Naturally,” Thomas replied, “He was at my house first thing in the morning on Saturday, I think he had a notepad.”

“He is such an idiot,” Alex facepalmed.

“You’re telling me,” Thomas laughed.

“But no, my weekend was good,” Alex said after a pause, “I was over at Eliza’s on Saturday, she and Maria were watching Pip and on Sunday me and Pip went to the park. You?”

“Well, on Saturday I hosted Laf, unprepared, but it was alright,” he was not telling Alex he had been draped over the couch, dramatically recounting the entire night like a teenager, “Then on Sunday I read a bit,” and botheredJames about date ideas, which he did not appreciate, before bothering him about what would bea good message to send, which he also didn’t appreciate; he added mentally.

“Are you reading anything interesting?” Alex asked.

“Yeah, I’m reading Frankenstein, just a classic I never got around to,” Thomas answered.

Alex lit up and their conversation went on, discussing the want for bodily autonomy that Mary Shelley as a woman in that era must have had and how that was integrated into the book and how the story of being otheredcould be applied to other minorities today.

The rest of the week sped by like usual. Their lunches together had felt a bit odd at first like it had gained a deeper meaning after the date, but then Thomas had spilled his coffee and Alex had snorted and inhaled a few crumbs, so that had worn off quite quickly.

When Alex had asked Philip if he wanted to come with him and Thomas on a picnic the boy had been beyond excited, which made that easy for Alex.

Now was just the issue of making sure that they had a kite for Pip, the drawing of Mr. Thomas he had made and wanted to give to the man, and sunscreen on as well as a jacket with them, because the weather was mostly good, but there might be winds later on.

Thomas came to pick them up in his car, it was a bit flashy, but the normal amount of flashy for Thomas. Still Alex said: “Hi there, show off.”

“And proud of it,” Thomas just grinned back, before he could say anything more though, Philip came running out of the house, yelling: “Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas, do you know how to fly a kite? Will you fly it with me?”

“Wow, calm down, kiddo,” Thomas said to the kid clinging to his waist.

“Sorry, Mr. Thomas.”

“It’s okay, and you can call me Thomas if you want to, you know that, right?”

“But it’s rude to not call people Mister,” Philip frowned.

“Well, it’s okay with me, I am hereby giving you permission to call me Thomas,” Thomas told the kid gently, the whole Mr. Thomas made him feel old.

Philip nodded, then said: “Okay, Uncle Thomas. Do you know how to fly a kite?”

Okay, that was- that was an upgrade that Thomas was unsure of how to deal with, so he just ignored it: “Yeah, I know how to fly a kite. Do you have one?”

“Yes, it’s the bestest one, it gots all the colors of the rainbow on it!” the kid was clearly beyond excited about it.

“Wow, that sounds super awesome, kiddo.”

“What is also super awesome, is car safety,” Alex interrupted them, “I got Pip’s booster seat, do you mind if I put that on the backseat?”

“Of course not, need help?” Thomas answered.

“Nah, I’ve done this before,” Alex grinned.

With Philip’s booster seat firmly in place and the kid buckled in, they got into the car. Thomas holding Alex’s door open with a flourish, making Alex blush as he called him a dork.

“Not a dork, darlin’, just Southern hospitality,” Thomas winked at him, letting his accent coat his words heavily.

And with that he closed Alex’s door and got into the car, driving off in the direction of the nearby park Alex often visited with Pip.

After they arrived Alex got Philip out of the car, while Thomas grabbed Alex’s bag andan actual basket out of the back. When he noticed Alex staring with a raised brow, he shrugged: “You were cliché, so I thought why not.”

“It’s very picturesque.”

“Papa, what is pictuu- pictuu- that word?” Philip asked.

Breaking the eyecontact with Thomas, Alex explained: “Well, sometimes things look just like a picture, they’re put in on purpose to be pretty, like with a drawing. So, we call it picturesque.”

Philip hummed thoughtfully, before he said: “Okay, can I go on the swings?”

“Sure, buddy, but first we go find a spot to sit and maybe eat something, okay?” Alex said, taking Pip’s hand, holding his other out to Thomas with a raised eyebrow.

Thomas took it with a smile, leading them to a spot near the little pond in the park, where a tree provided both shade and an easy marker to find it again if Philip wandered off on his own, which Alex was grateful for.

Out of the basket came a checkered blanket, which made Alex laugh as he and Thomas struggled to lay in down in the wind. But there were also sandwiches, orange juice, brownies, fruit salad and a thermos with coffee.

“Wow, you thought of everything, didn’t you,” Alex whistled.

He got an eye crinkle smile in return as Thomas said: “I try,” before turning to Philip and asking, “What sort of sandwich do you want, kiddo? I got PB and J, ham and cheese and one with chicken and eggplant.”

“May I please have a PB and J sandwich?”

“So, polite,” Thomas commented, handing him the sandwich, “Here you go. Alex?”

“Uhm, can I have one with chicken?”

“Of course, there you are,” Thomas handed him a sandwich, before taking a chicken one as well, nodding a cheers to the others before eating it.

It wasn’t really quiet while they ate, neither Alex nor Philip had a talent for keeping their mouths shut while Thomas was comfortable enough to mix himself into the conversation, either to argue fondly with Alex or to encourage Philip to keep going.

When most of the food was gone, Philip asked: “Can I go on the swings now, Papa?”

Alex checked if the swings were in sight, they were actually quite close and since he was trying to let Pip be more independent, he nodded: “Yeah, just be sure to stay in sight and to come tell me if you’re going somewhere else, okay?”

“Okay, Papa.”

“Can you pinky promise me?” he might be trying to let Pip be more independent, but he still worried about his son.

“Pinky promise,” it was adorable how serious Philip looked while making the pinky promise.

Then Philip skipped off to the swings to play. Alex watched him closely until he got there, then a few moments more just to be sure.

“It’s incredible to see how much you love him,” the comment startled Alex for a moment and he asked: “Wha?”

“Just- you love Philip so much and you can see it every time you two interact,” Thomas explained, “It’s kinda amazing to see. You know, with a big family it wasn’t all that one on one, so seeing how much attention you give him is weird – in the best way of course.”

Alex blushed, no one really every complimented his parenting much, with the trans thing and the single parent and the busy job, most of the PTA moms looked down on him, so it was refreshing to hear: “Oh, uhm, thanks, really means a lot.”

“No problem,” Thomas smiled, “Coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Alex held out his cup and watched it get filled, nodding to Thomas gratefully as he took a sip.

It was quiet for a moment, then a thought popped into Thomas’s head, making him a bit unsure and he asked: “Philip is calling me Uncle Thomas, you okay with that?”

“As long as you are. Pip’s never had a conventional family, I’m not sure he knows exactly what the word is supposed to mean, so he just calls adults he knows well that,” Alex explained, before quickly adding, “If you want him to stop, I can talk to him.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mind – honored, actually – just, you know,checking in.”

“Okay.”

Then it was quiet again. They both stared at the little playground where Philip was now playing tag with a few other kids, obviously done with swinging on the swings.

The sun was out and there were birds in the trees that were chirping, they were sitting on a checkered blanket, nearly completely leaning on one another and Alex was enamored by how picturesque this actually was, even if it had been teasing before.

He remembered Thomas complimenting his date and how relieved and excited that had made him, so he leaned more into Thomas’s side and softly said: “This is pretty amazing, thanks for asking me out again.”

Alex couldn't see it, but Thomas grinned as he replied: “Well, I am glad for inviting you, the company makes it much better.”

“How romantic,” Alex told him, trying, and failing, not to be touched by the comment.

“I try,” Thomas merely replied.

“So,” Alex looked around for something to talk about when he spotted the daisies in the grass and was reminded of his trip to the park with Pip last week, “opinions on flower crowns?”

“What?” Thomas sounded very confused.

He sat up straighter and plucked a few flowers, making a chain and holding it up: “Opinions on flower crowns?”

Thomas laughed for a second, then saw Alex’s face andexclaimed: “Oh my God, you’re being serious.”

Alex laughed too, before schooling his face into a more serious expression: “A trustworthy source told me these are very great gifts.”

“Oh, and who might that source be?” Thomas challenge.

“Well that would be my very own flesh and blood, Philip Hamilton, UncleThomas,” Alex emphasized the title teasingly.

Thomas grinned: “Oh, you should have said so, can’t argue with such an esteemed member of society.”

They both laughed again as Alex plucked more daisies and made a flower crown. It might have been a bit of a joke, but he had never known when to stop and he wasn’t going to start now, so he concentrated on braiding the flowers together while Thomas watched with an amused smile.

“Here, a pretty flower crown, for a pretty boy,” Alex said, handing Thomas the flower crown, taking much delight in how he had a front row seat to a blush blooming over Thomas’s entire face.

Mutely Thomas took the flower crown, mentally trying not to die at Alex’s face and words, which was really hard.

“Well, aren’t you going to put it on?” Alex asked, it was kinda mean to tease at this point, but he couldn't help it when Thomas looked like that.

“Ye- yeah, naturally,” Thomas managed, putting the flower crown on as he regained his bearings, “So, how do I look?” his voice was still a bit squeaky.

“Ah, just like I thought,” Alex smiled, “beautiful.”

“You can’t just say things like that, Alex,” Thomas tried to hide his face.

“Yes, yes, I can. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m kind of known for always speaking my mind and being honest. Can’t help it if it’s true.”

“I hate you.”

“I sure hope that’s not true or this is going to be awkward.”

It was a teasing reply, but both stilled for a moment, before Thomas slowly and softly said: “No, I- I didn’t mean that, you’re- you’re pretty alright.”

“Pretty alright… Hm, I’ll take it,” Alex was smirking, trying to play off the fact that his heart was beating like a marathon runner’s as relief flooded through his veins.

Thomas shoved him over and said: “You’re an idiot.”

“Now that- that I already knew,” Alex grinned, before getting up and looking back to the playground to check in on Philip.

He didn’t have to search much, because the boy was just running their way, yelling: “Papa, Papa, I slayed the dragon.”

“Wow, really buddy? That’s so cool,” Alex caught him as the kid practically tripped into his arms as he gestured wildly while recounting his epic encounter with a dragon and a witch and some fairies who were ‘the coolest, Papa, you should have seen then, they went pow pow and it was so cool.’

Then he spotted Thomas with the flower crown perched on his head and he smiled widely: “Did you give Uncle Thomas a flower crown like I said, Papa?”

“Yeah, I did, Pip. You were right, it was a great gift.”

“I have to agree, you have way better ideas than your Papa,” Thomas budded in.

Philip’s smile widened: “Really? I think so, but Papa is an adult and people always say adults know better.”

“Well, in some instances, adults have more experiences so they can make better decisions, but that doesn’t mean they’re always right,” Thomas said, “Kids can have interesting ideas too. Think of it like painting, experiences are different colors, but you don’t need every color, you can just make a more elaborate picture with more.”

Alex watched as Philip took a moment to think about it, before he nodded in understanding and saying: “So, I may not have all the colors yet, but I can make a good picture?”

“Yeah, exactly,” Thomas was grinning so broadly that Alex was going to loose his mind with how much he adored Thomas and Philip interacting and how fucking cute it was.

Suddenly Philip’s eyes lit up and he said: “Papa, I forgot to give Uncle Thomas his picture.”

“You can give it now, buddy,” Alex told him, reaching over to the bag he brought himself and digging through it.

“My what?” Thomas asked in the background.

“I made you a picture,” Philip was bouncing in place waiting for Alex to find it. When he did, he handed it to Pip, who in turn handed it to Thomas.

“It’s you,” he said, “You’re all purple, because you like purple like me and you have big hair like Uncle Laf and Uncle Herc do, though Uncle Herc’s is smaller and I gave you a book and a laptop ad then I thought planes would be cool, so I added those.”

“Wow, Philip, this is amazing,” Thomas said, “I feel like I should donate it to a museum, but something is missing for that.”

“What?” Philip’s face fell slightly.

“I need it signed, can’t have a masterpiece and forget who made it. What if you get famous? I want to be able to brag that I got an original Philip Hamilton drawing,” he dug around in his pocket and got out the purple pen he used to sign things when he was annoyed at Washington.

Philip took it excitedly, messily scrawling his name at the bottom, before handing it back: “Here, for you.”

“Truly, I’m speechless,” Thomas said, “I’m going to have to frame this.”

“You will?” Philip’s eyes were as big as plates.

“I am a man of my word and I promise,” Thomas told him, holding up a pinky. He had alreadyfigured out that promise meant the most to Philip at this age.

Philip happily interlocked their fingers, before Thomas carefully put the drawing away. Once it was gone, Philip asked: “Can we go kiting now?”

“We first have to put it together if you want to do that, so while I do that why don’t you drink some more juice,” Alex said, already pouring juice in a cup for Pip.

“Thank you, Papa,” Philip started drinking happily.

He struggled with putting the kite together, but luckily Thomas had more experience in putting together kites, citing his big family. So, they had it assembled by the time Philip had finished his juice.

Alex forced Philip to eat a brownie too. It might not be the healthiest, but he wouldn’t let Philip run around on an empty stomach if he could help it.

“I have no clue how to do this,” Alex confessed holding the kite. He had bought it on a whim in the supermarket about twoweeksago. However, he had no childhood memories to draw from on how to do this.

“Fortunately for you, I do,” Thomas said, taking the kite from him, “Here, let me take this.”

Alex gladly gave the task away and watched as Thomas gave Philip the handle of the kite and instructed him on what to do as he threw the kite into the air.

Philip whooped when it stayed up and Thomas cheered as well. Alex took out his phone and sneakily took a picture of the two, before cheering as well.

He flew the kite for half an hour before it went wrong. It was nothing big, just a sudden gust of wind that ripped the kite from Philip’s small hands and carried the kite away from them until it dropped into the water.

They looked at the kite for a second, before Philip turned to Alex with big eyes: “Papa, we have to save the kite.”

Looking at the water, Alex shuddered before he replied: “I’m sorry, Pip, but I can’t retrieve it for you. I think you’re going to have to say goodbye to the kite.”

“I can go get it, please, Papa,” there were tears gathering in Philip’s eyes.

In his mind images of Philip drowning flashed and quite harshly he said: “No!” cringing as Philip startled slightly. In a softer tone, he repeated: “No, Pip. You can’t swim, I’m not letting you in the water, because it’s dangerous and your clothes will get wet.”

“But- but the kite,” Philip argued.

“It was an accident, but we lost the kite,” Alex tried to break the news gently.

They were distracted by Thomas, who said: “I can go get the kite.”

“What?” “Will you do that, Uncle Thomas!”

“No, I can’t ask that of you,” Alex said, “You’ll ruin your clothes and it’s in the water and it might get cold later, it’s too much to ask.”

“I’ll be fine, Alex. Unlike Philip here, I can swim, so it’s fine if I fall. And this isn’t a natural pond anyway,” Thomas explained, “It’s made to trap rainwater so the neighborhood doesn’t get flooded, but because it’s in a kids park, it’s shallower. I don’t think my shorts will get wet.”

“You really don’t have to do this,” Alex pressed again, making sure that Thomas didn’t feel obligated just because Philip would be mildly upset about it.

“I know,” Thomas smiled as he sat down to toe off his shoes and socks.

Before he stepped into the water, he looked at Pip and seriously said: “Can you watch over our spot and your Papa for me while I go rescue the kite?”

Philip nodded, equally serious: “With my life.”

“Good,” Thomas chuckled, then set his first step.

He had been right about the depth of the pond and got to the kite without any difficulties. More onlookers had turned their attention to the water, but Thomas tried to ignore them as he saved the kite.

Returning to the shore he handed it to Philip, who beamed: “Thank you so somuch, Uncle Thomas.”

“No problem, kiddo, though I don’t think we can kite any more with the kite all wet,” he replied.

“That’s okay, I can still swing,” Philip said.

As the kid ran off again to play, Alex turned to Thomas: “Really, thank you, you didn’t have to do it, but thanks.”

“Did you see Philip’s smile? Worth it, really,” Thomas assured him.

Alex smiled, he didn’t think his heart could contain all the affection he had for Thomas in that moment, so he just hugged the man and gave him a peck on the cheek.

Thomas gently touched the spot Alex had kissed before smiling like he was the happiest man on earth, which only made Alex scream more internally.

They returned to their blanket and watched Philip play. After a few minutes of silence, Thomas lightly said: “So, water. Not a fan?”

“Ah, no, not really,” Alex replied, not sure on what to say.

“You don’t have to tell me, just good to keep in mind,” Thomas told him gently.

“Oh, no, it’s okay, just not something I talk about much,” Alex shrugged.

Thomas repeated: “You don’t have to tell me, really.”

“I know,” Alex assured him, “You know how I’m an immigrant, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I come from the Caribbean and uhm- You see, there was this hurricane that hit my island when I was seventeen. It’s- uh, it’s not something I’d recommend living through,” he told Thomas.

“Oh wow, I remember that being on the news,” Thomas felt like he had maneuvered himself into an awkward position. He was bad at comfort, with John he could relate, but here he was way out of his depths.

“It’s okay now, I got over it- mostly,” Alex shrugged, trying to move on, “Just don’t like water or storms that much.”

Thomas nodded, staying quiet. Instead he slung an arm over Alex’s shoulders and let the man snuggle close as he stared off in the direction Philip was in, though Thomas wasn’t sure if he was seeing much, so he kept an eye on the kid just in case.

After a moment, Alex asked: “Do you have one of those brownies left?”

“What? Huh, oh yeah. Here.”

“Thank you, these are amazing.”

“Why thank you, I made them.”

“You did?”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“I’m not,” a beat, then Alex said, “Well, I am, but it’s more pleasantly surprised than anything else. I didn’t know you baked.”

Thomas was glad for the change in topic and that the atmosphere hadn’t been ruined by his comment. So he replied: “It’s calming, repetitive and you have something nice at the end.”

“Never pegged you to be a stress baker,” Alex commented.

“According to Jemmy it’s one of my more redeeming qualities,” Thomas joked.

Alex laughed: “James is good in pinning people, I’ll take his word.”

“He thought you to be annoying and a dick, so I don’t think you wanna do that,” Thomas raised a brow at him.

“Schematics,” Alex waved his hand, “And in my defense, I was annoying back then, maybe even a bit of a dick, butI just aged like fine wine.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“I thought you were supposed to be on my side.”

“What can I say, I’m a man of many faces.”

“You’re a dork, that’s what you are.”

“Maybe so,” Thomas smirked, before looking over to the playground again. Philip was going down the slide, before running around with another kid. Thomas said: “He looks like he’s having fun.”

“Yeah, yeah, he does,” Alex agreed, snuggling closer into Thomas’s side.

Thomas planted a kiss on the top of his head and Alex was pretty sure he was one day going to melt out of affection.

Philip stopped running for a moment, to turn to them and wave excitedly. Alex waved back and so did Thomas. Alex couldn't stop the smile on his face, this was nice, so much nicer than he ever thought he was going to get after John’s death.

He send a quick look to the sky, slightly wistful, before fully draping himself over Thomas, earning a not-that-offended offended squawk that he ignored in favor of draping even more until Thomas gave in and let them both topple over.

Alex vowed that he was going to try to hold on to this for as long as possible.

I am not a parent btw, I feel like I should have stated that early, also don’t take this fic as parenting advise. I try to write Good Parent!Alex, but that doesn’t mean it will be entirely, bc, again, no experience in this field.

Btw, Philip not understanding Uncle and Auntie and being over at the other’s houses so much is a concept I love, bc it’s a very queer way to raise a kid. Sure, Alex is his primary care giver and dad and stuff, but a village raises a kid and- ugh, I love found family dynamics.

Also this is getting incredibly fluffy, I was worried this was going to be too dark for me with my other fics, but no within a few chapters the angst has made place for this. Love that for me *gay peace sign*

[jaybarou]

I agree with you abt ao3, but recently there's been news abt +18 nsfw real person fanfiction that was abt actual minors being written and posted on ao3. I havent kept up to date with the news of it because ngl, its incredibly distressing since ive always said to support ao3, and this refusal to take down something so clearly crossing a line is very upsetting. Wanted to let you know. But yeah - i do agree in most cases, its just this most recent fiasco that impacts real people should def be addressed properly.

Thank you for the warning, because I think it is a well-meaning one.

However, I stand by what I said.

That’s where the actual reply ends, and here is my pedantic essay on why, so you may want to stop reading here and press “j”.

This is not an answer to you particularly, anon, just general ranting, so don’t take it personally. Whenever I say “you” from now on I mean a metaphorical “you” and not you you, anon. I do appreciate the attempt to warn me.

Last chance to skip this. I promise I will get long and tedious. And so so pedantic.

Now.

I assume you kept reading with enthusiastic consent. If you are here for fun jump to the bullet points below.

I stand by what I said for many reasons. Number one is that no work should be censored. (Because that implies someone censoring and who would you give that kind of tool to?) I might be squicked or even triggered by what someone said, but I will defend their right to say it, especially in fiction.

Now I could start with the old rant of the slippery slope tendency (it is), the foot on the threshold tactic (don’t let it fool you), the insidiousnes behind the pearl clutching, the consent given when you join the page or the “learn your history or you will doom us to repeat it” (learn in fanlore, boys and girls and folks), or how you don’t find things by chance in the Archive, you have to look for them (which means the antis have been searching actively).

But today I’ll leave the implications and history and how haters always have a new excuse aside. Because today I’m especially annoyed by the matter of rules.

Let’s get down to the earthy business of policies and TOS. The words used here are “addressed properly”. And if we go by the TOS, the fic is not in violation of the TOS, so the issue was technically “addressed properly”.

And then there is the “clearly crossing a line”. The TOS draw lines, those lines were not crossed. The laws draws lines, those lines were not crossed either; the legal department makes sure of that.

So wich line was crossed exactly? And how was it clearly crossed when it is not clearly defined in either TOS or laws? Technical aspects aside, I KNOW you mean a moral line: a non written law. And the thing with nonwritten laws is that whoever can make of them whatever they want, and obeying them is a matter of politeness and opinion (which makes them not-so-clear-lines (by the way, a nonwritten rule of fandom is YKINMK and “don’t like, don’t read” and those ones got clearly broken here)).

So what you really want to say is that you find the TOS morally lacking and that it should be changed. Good! We need different opinions to try to become better people. Let’s make rules, right? Easy, right?

For that we have to start with definitions. You gave three parameters that mixed should create that line crossed, right? Easy. Let’s break it down.

Minors+nsfw+RPF= a clear “too much” line?

Minors - How old does the minor have to be? 21? Why? Do we base it in the age of consent for minors? 16 then? Let’s throw a dice and say 18

NSFW - The interesting thing here is that this is an euphemism for sex. This could encompass violence, abuse, but those don’t seem to elicit cries as much as sex does, so for the sake of the crying people, let’s say we mean sex.

RPF- Real person fiction, what is there to define? it is self explaining, right?

There, well-defined, right? RIGHT? It wasn’t that hard.

Ouf, but now that that is defined. What is the “punishment” if this rule is broken?

Take down the fic

Ban the user from posting for x time (how long)

Take down the whole account (do we take down the fics that don’t break the rules too? Do we orphan them? Do we have any right to rob the offender of their author rights? Do we allow comments in those fics if we keep them? should we let the author get those comments? And answer them?)

Too harash? Too lenient? I promise you whatever you choose someone will say you chose wrong.

First time offender, should we have leniency?

Repeated offender, should the punishment be worse?

Should we give a warning before taking action?

Perfect! Now we have a clear rule. Don’t we? Let’s send an e-mail to everyone, because these are not the terms they signed when they joined. Should we give them time to take down their fics? No? Yes? How long? Should we open an ask box for doubts? We don’t have resources for that? Are we ready then for the influx of denounces of every shape and colour that will come with this rule (and many will be non-pertinent, but who cares?), are we ready for the complaints too?

Now, let’s see who this TOS change WOULD affect:

Sports RPF hooking up (many athletes are minors)

That means your 17 yo lesbian hokey canadian/USA captains can’t get out of their protections sorry

Kpop bands (when minor)

Boybands (when minor)

A fanfic where there are RPF!minors living in a sex environment, even if they don’t engage in the activity

Any horny fanfics with Anastasia (so RPF was selfexplaining, huh?)

Forget about giving Anne Frank a “happy ending”

(Am I allowed to ship Annestasia after this?)

Let’s see a grey area this TOS change would be hard to regulate:

Any sexy deaged RPF fic, be it High school AU

Any RPF with a x reader, since the reader could technically be a minor

Any RPF set in a period of time wherethe now adult was a minor

This particular RPF fic where the character gets deaged and reaged constantly

This RPF fic in which reincarnation comes with the past lives memories

This PRF took the minor and made them drink a potion and now they are 18 (you and I know the author did it to pass our censorship, but can we prove it?)

What shall we do with those meta fandoms where the characters become their actors or similar mental gymnastics?

This RPF is also a crossover. Magic took them to Narnia, to fuck. (We know this one is an attempt to pass the censors, but we didn’t define RPF all that well, right?)

Nevermind, we took it down and the author reuploaded it, now the lion made the minor a Narnia monarch, gave them a new name, citizenship and they are fucking. Again. A side character named Censor gets hung in chapter 6. (can we take it down now? I feel like this asshole will try something else if we do)

This RPF made the minors elves or something, which means the age is really confusing, but they still look like minors. (I have no idea what to do with this one, I’m going to cry, let Jack decide in this one, let me sleep)

Call Jack again, this asshole set the fanfic in four years time so the minor now is technically an adult in the fanfic, literally nothing has changed except there is a calendar in the nightstand where the minor is geting nailed where ir says the date

Let’s see an area this TOS change would NOT affect: 

RPF with minors drinking, or forced to do drugs

RPF with minors suffering violence or abuse

RPF with minors getting killed

RPF with minors getting touched or kissed as long as there is not sex (we forgot defining sex explicitly in the rule, so non penetrative sex or a bj would be up to discussion depending on where you draw the definition sex)

Any non RPF fanfic where an OC (minor) with a name suspiciously similar to a real person  has sex

Any non RPF fanfic where a 7 year old is raped by tentacles

Any RPF where the girl (now technically not a minor) on the night of their 18th birthday gets violently raped

Then should we make this policy more strict to ban those last ones too? Those are clearly crossing a moral line, right? Or is a 16 year old getting fictionally frisky somehow worse than a minor getting fictionally killed? But in the way we are going to define what is violence (a slap? a punch? from a classmate? from a parent?), what is doing drugs (cocaine? alcohol at 16? do drugs for medication count? do fictional drugs count?), what is killed (what if they come back to life? What if it is just the evil double?)

What about the fics that we have already banned but aren’t maybe crossing that moral line that is so clear in your mind? More like those will be taken down

“Fine, then rules are hard, don’t make a rule, just take down this one fanfic that has become popular for being problematic”.

????

If you don’t have a rule to support why you are banning you are advocating for a tyranny where pointing enough fingers at someone makes it disappear and I HOPE I don’t have to explain why leaving the right to exist in a platform to the popular opinion is not a good choice.

I just mean to say: When in doubt, always err in the side of freedom.

Freedom of speech in this case. And yes, even at the cost of a few uncomfortable clashes.

And I will leave you with a little nugget of my paranoia as a treat. If I was antiAO3 I would find the worst of the worst, dig it out and expose it as the epitome of the corruption of the page I want to see taken down. And if my little twisted mind could think of something even worse, something that would weight the balance of public opinion in my favour, I would write it myself and burn my username in effigy to force the staff to change the terms. Food for thought.

GOD I HAD FUN WRITING ALL THOSE PREMISES

ESPECIALLY THE CHEEKY ONES TRYING TO PASS THE CENSORING RULE (I bet there would be challenges to see what would and wouldn’t pass the censors) I would be delighted to learn how YOU would troll the censors, please, I need to laugh about this

[calumcest]

i want to teach you a lesson (in the worst kind of way)

me writing 5.6k in 4 hours and pretending my essays/presentation/exams/dissertation don’t exist? it’s more likely than you think

thank u jex for listening to me scream abt this for the past 4 hours and for always being the sweetest and most encouraging person in the world you are truly such a positive influence in my life 

also this is based off a prompt i got i think in 2014 never say i don’t provide! i would link the post but honestly it’s just got my 16 year old self’s embarrassing screams on it so frankly i would rather not so instead i will provide you with a screenshot of the ask under the cut 

[ao3]

-

“Who’s that, sir?” Lily asks, jabbing at the window.

“The new PE teacher,” Michael says.

“He’s cute,” Sarah says, and a couple of the girls nod vigorously.

“He’s also twice your age,” Michael says. “Go on, off to your practice rooms.” The girls groan, but one by one pull themselves away from the window and start to wander off. Michael stays by the window, one eye on the girls to make sure they actually go where they’re supposed to and one eye on the new PE teacher, who’s dividing the class up into groups and handing out footballs. He is kind of hot, Michael supposes, if you’re into muscular guys who are clearly good at sports. Which Michael most definitely is.

-

Michael Clifford loves his job. 

Sure, the staff room politics can get a bit exhausting (although Michael would be lying if he didn’t admit to loving all the drama he wasn’t personally involved in), and the kids can drive him up the fucking wall, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing he’d rather be doing than teaching. 

Except today. Today, when a good portion of 10C has somehow exploded into an argument over whether or not Julia snatched a guitar when Sam was about to take it, he thinks he’d rather be a human guinea pig for infectious diseases, or something. It probably pays better, anyway.

“Sam,” he says sternly, and he turns to look at Michael, anger written all over his face. “There are plenty of guitars in the cupboard. Let Julia have that one.”

“But sir, that’s the only one which-” 

“I don’t care,” Michael says, holding up a hand, because he’s perfectly aware that it’s the only guitar which stays in tune longer than thirty seconds. He’s been begging for a budget increase since the day he joined the school. “It’s one lesson, it’s not an exam, you can deal with it for forty-five minutes.” 

“But Mr Clifford-” Lucy pipes up, ready to defend Sam. 

“No, Lucy,” he says firmly. “I want all of you in the practice rooms, now.” Sam glares at him furiously and stomps off without an instrument in his hands, Lucy and Pip running behind him to one of the practice rooms outside the main classroom. Michael decides he’s got enough on his plate without inserting himself into hormonally-charged teenage drama, so he lets them go, rounding on Noel and Olivia, who are still arguing with Julia, Brandon hovering awkwardly nearby. 

“I don’t want to hear anything else about this,” Michael cuts in, and Noel and Olivia round on Michael instead. 

“Sir, she stole it from-”

“He was about to pick it u-”

“I don’t want to spend my lunchtime in detention, and unless you two do I suggest you get your instruments and go to your practice rooms,” Michael says curtly, trying to refrain from pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He’s getting a stress-induced headache already, and it’s the first lesson of the day. 

“Fine,” Olivia spits, full of the kind of melodrama only a fifteen-year-old can summon, and Michael tries not to roll his eyes as they stalk off to one of the practice rooms at the back of the classroom without so much as another glance in his direction. He’s pretty sure he hears one of them mutter fuck you under their breath as they walk away, and he feels momentarily bad before he remembers they’ll have forgotten about it by their next lesson. 

“Don’t do it again,” is all he says tiredly to Julia, who nods meekly, and scampers off to join her group in one of the other practice rooms at the back of the classroom. That being sorted, Michael turns back to the rest of the class, to find about eight of the girls gathered at the window, chattering excitedly. 

“That doesn’t look like composing a short piece on three instruments to me,” he says, wandering over, and a bunch of the girls look back at him with a look of excitement on their faces. 

“Who’s that, sir?” Lily asks, jabbing at the window and leaving a mark. Michael peers over their heads to see a distant figure standing on the field with a class that looks like it might be 7A. All he can make out is that it’s a guy, with what looks like a mess of dark brown hair and a couple of tattoos on his (very muscular, Michael notes with approval) arms that he’s waving around, clearly explaining something. 

Michael vaguely remembers Paula, the headmistress, saying something about a new PE teacher starting this week, but he’d been too busy whisper-explaining to Luke why Magic: The Gathering was a great game and he should definitely play it with Michael to remember what she’d said the guy was called. 

“The new PE teacher,” he says, hoping they won’t ask what he’s called.

“He’s cute,” Sarah says, and a couple of the girls nod vigorously.

“He’s also twice your age,” Michael says. “Go on, off to your practice rooms.” The girls groan, but one by one pull themselves away from the window and start to wander off. Michael stays by the window, one eye on the girls to make sure they actually go where they’re supposed to and one eye on the new PE teacher, who’s dividing the class up into groups and handing out footballs. He is kind of hot, Michael supposes, if you’re into muscular guys who are clearly good at sports. Which Michael most definitely is. 

Huh, he thinks, pushing himself away from the window and heading to the first practice room to make sure Noel, Olivia and Brandon have calmed down a bit. Sarah’s kind of right. 

 ------- 

 Michael has a free period fourth period, and even if he usually wouldn’t be seen dead on the field, it’s a beautiful day, and it is on the route to the staff room. Well, it’s on a route to the staff room, at least, and if that route happens to be five minutes longer than simply walking through the building and over the quad, then Michael doesn’t need to know about it. He could do with the exercise, he tells himself. It’s nothing to do with the new PE teacher. 

When Michael gets down to the field, the PE teacher’s gathering up the footballs from the previous lesson and stuffing them in the big netted bag that’s been threatening to break for about five years. He turns around after picking up the last one and spots Michael (who is definitely not staring) cutting across the top part of the field. He raises a hand, and Michael’s not really sure if he’s waving or telling him to get the fuck off the field, but then he’s gathering the bag in one hand and jogging over, and Michael’s absolutely not watching the lines of his muscles as he makes his way over. 

“Hi!” the guy says, grinning widely, and fucking hell, he’s even hotter up close. He’s got dark brown eyes, crinkled at the corners with the brilliant smile currently gracing his full lips, and his dark hair is curled, falling into his face slightly. “I’m Calum. Calum Hood. I’m new.” 

“I’m Michael Clifford,” Michael says. “I’m not.” He curses inwardly as soon as the words have left his lips - he should be legally restricted from talking to hot guys, honestly - but Calum laughs, laughs, and it’s not fake, if the twinkle in his eyes is anything to go by. 

“I gathered,” he says. “So, what do you teach?” 

“Music,” Michael says. “You’re PE?” Calum nods. 

“Music’s my second, though,” he says. 

“Oh?” Michael wants to die. Of course hot PE guy can teach Music, of all things. He was literally crafted by God to upset Michael. 

“Yeah,” Calum says, with a smile. “I mean, I’m sure I’m nowhere near as good as you, but I play guitar, and a little piano. Bass is my real love, though.” 

“Bass?” Michael says, trying his best not to imagine Calum’s long fingers flying across a fretboard. 

“Yeah,” Calum says. “I played in a band, for a bit, but, y’know.” He gestures at himself. “Clearly didn’t work out.” 

“That’s pretty fucking cool, though,” Michael says, genuinely impressed. “And hey, bassist to secondary school PE teacher is an upgrade.” Calum laughs. 

“Fuck you, man,” he says, but he’s grinning, and Michael feels a warmth spreading from his toes to his cheeks. “Hey, are you heading to the staff room?” Michael nods. “Mind if I tag along? I’m still finding my way around.” 

“Sure,” Michael says, shrugging and hoping it conceals the fact that he kind of wants to turn back to the safety of his music room and bang his head on the wall until he forgets someone as perfect as Calum Hood exists on the same planet as him. 

“Sweet,” Calum says, beaming at him as he holds up the bag of footballs. “Let me just lock these in the shed and I’ll be right with you.” 

Yeah, sweet, Michael thinks, as Calum turns on his heel and jogs away from Michael over to the tiny shed in the corner of the field which houses all the outdoor equipment. Not like Michael’s already head over heels in love, or anything. 

Sweet. 

 ------- 

 Calum’s officially introduced in the staff room at lunchtime on his first day, but Michael has lunch duty on a Monday so he misses it. Luke and Ashton tell him Calum’s a big hit in the staff room, “really charming, and have you seen his arms?”, which just puts Michael in a bad mood, because he now has competition. 

It’s three days before Michael bumps into Calum again, in his free second period, which he’s spending catching up on all the marking that was due, like, two weeks ago and is still unfinished. 

“Hey, Michael!” Calum says cheerfully, sitting down opposite Michael at the desk that he’s entirely covered with a careful class-organised system of marking. “Oh, shit, are you busy?” 

“No,” Michael says immediately, because what’s his job compared to conversation with the hottest guy in Australia? “What’s up?” Calum shrugs. 

“Just wanted a chat,” he says. “Haven’t seen you in a few days. You been hiding from me?” His eyes are twinkling as he says it, and it makes Michael’s stomach flip, because it’s pretty friendly for a guy he’s met once. If Michael were anyone else, he would say Calum might almost be flirting. Maybe Calum’s just like that, though. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. 

“Been catching up on marking,” Michael says, indicating all the papers on the desk. “I’m literally going to stop setting homework, I swear to God.” 

“Can’t say I relate,” Calum says, with a grin. “Perks of being a PE teacher.” 

“Yeah, but you have to deal with, like, concussions, and shit,” Michael says, capping his pen. 

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that,” Calum says breezily, and Michael snorts. 

“Typical PE teacher,” he says. “I could have had my leg cut off and my PE teacher would have made me keep running.” Calum smirks. 

“Well, you have another leg, don’t you?” he says, and laughs when Michael scowls. “I’m kidding. I’d let you do push ups instead.” Michael rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning. 

“How generous,” he says. Calum grins back at him, and Michael’s heart does a fucking backwards somersault, or something ridiculous. 

“That’s what you get for saying PE teacher is an upgrade from bassist,” he says. 

“Hey, that’s just the natural order of things,” Michael says. “It’s not my fault bass is at the bottom of the musical food chain.” 

“What’s music without the rhythm section?” Calum says, stretching, and Michael tries his best not to stare at the sliver of skin that’s exposed under his shirt. 

“Acoustic?” Michael offers, and Calum huffs out a laugh, bringing his arms (and shirt, Michael thinks wistfully) back down. 

“Fuck,” he says agreeably. “Guess my band could have carried on without me.” 

“What kind of music did you play?” Michael asks. Calum shrugs. 

“A bit of everything,” he says. “We started on All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, that kind of a thing, got more Radiohead and Tame Impala vibes as we went on.” Jesus Christ. Michael has literally died and gone to heaven, because there is absolutely no way a man this perfect exists anywhere other than in Michael’s imagination. 

“Mate, I fucking love All Time Low,” Michael says, and a smile unfurls on Calum’s lips. 

“Have you heard their new album?” 

“Yeah,” Michael says. “Fuck, Monsters? What a fucking tune.”

“Right?” Calum says enthusiastically. “And Basement Noise?” 

“Fucking sick,” Michael agrees. 

“You’ve got good taste,” Calum says approvingly. Michael opens his mouth to say something - you’re just saying that to get in my pants is on the tip of his tongue - but he’s interrupted (or possibly saved from eternal embarrassment) by Ashton sitting down heavily next to him. 

“Hey, Michael,” he says, throwing a dimpled smile in his direction. “Hey, Calum.”

“Hey, Ashton,” Calum says. “How’s the Year 10 clay project coming along?”

“Oh, you know,” Ashton says, leaning back in his seat and pushing his curls out of his face. “Two busts have been decapitated so far, so we’re doing pretty well, all things considered.” 

“Nice,” Michael says approvingly. 

“I know you’re talking about the decapitations, Mike, you don’t fool me,” Ashton says knowingly. Michael scowls. 

“Was it Sam?” he asks, needing to know who to high-five in his next lesson.

“No, Noel,” Ashton says. 

“10C? Short kid, really fucking fast?” Calum asks. Michael shrugs. How is Michael supposed to know how fast he is? It’s not like Noel’s Naruto running through the music room. 

“Yeah,” Ashton says, because apparently Noel’s Naruto running through the art room. 

“He’s really fucking good with a ball,” Calum says, and Michael bites back an awful innuendo with a lot of difficulty. Not in front of Ashton, he tells himself. 

“He’s lacking a passion,” Ashton says. “He’s good at art, but he messes around too much.” 

“Same with Music,” Michael says. “He’s got a temper on him, too.” 

“Well, maybe I can get him to channel it into football,” Calum says seriously. “Kids need an outlet, and something they feel like they’re good at. He needs something to be proud of.” 

Fuck, Michael thinks, as Ashton enthusiastically responds in kind, staring at Calum as he nods along to whatever Ashton’s saying with a thoughtful frown. He’s definitely in love. 

 ------- 

 Calum and Michael fall into a bit of a routine. 

They don’t share a lot of free periods together, only the fourth on Monday and second on Thursday, but Michael will wait at the corner of the field for Calum to finish clearing up after his last lesson and they’ll walk to the staff room together, sitting and chatting shit for an hour about nothing in particular. 

Michael learns that Calum’s got a sister, Mali, who’s in the music industry and whom he’s incredibly proud of, and that he’s half-Kiwi, half-Scottish, and grew up in western Sydney, not too far from Michael. He learns that Calum loves dogs more than he loves either bass or football, loves his dog (Duke) more than he loves anything else on the planet, likes playing Fifa and eating ice cream, and that his biggest fear is not having an impact on the world. He learns that Calum genuinely loves teaching, that Noel’s finding his feet with football and he’s really enjoying it, and that Calum almost went professional with football. 

(“Is there anything you aren’t fucking talented at?” Michael says grumpily, when Calum tells him that. Calum laughs. 

“Asking cute boys out,” he says, throwing Michael a grin, and Michael’s stomach flips.) 

And so he also learns that Calum’s gay, and that he’s been single his whole life. 

(“Are you serious? Michael says incredulously. Calum shrugs. 

“I’m not a blushing virgin, Michael,” he says, seeing the look on Michael’s face, and Michael scowls. 

“I didn’t say you were,” Michael says sullenly, but he’s secretly more than a little jealous of these nameless, faceless boys that have had the honour of fucking Calum Hood.) 

Of course, Michael’s not the only one in the school to notice Calum. 

A majority of the girls, and a good number of the boys, sing Calum’s praises to Michael every opportunity they get. He hears them talking in the corridors when Calum breezes past, smiling at them but eyes lighting up when he brushes past Michael (which Michael tries desperately not to think about when he’s staring out of the window daydreaming in the middle of a lesson). The staff are no better, either - Brenda and Caroline have been gossiping about Calum’s muscles so loudly that Michael only half-jokingly threatened to file a sexual harassment suit against them on his behalf. 

One thing that having an incredibly hot PE teacher has done wonders for, though, is school morale. 

It’s the only reason Michael’s standing at the corner of a wet field on a freezing May afternoon, wrapped in a thick coat and scarf and somehow still shivering, huddled between Luke and Ashton, whom he’d bribed-slash-threatened to join him because he didn’t want to be too obvious about it. 

(“Mike, I don’t think you could be less obvious about being in love with Calum if you tried,” Luke had said, rolling his eyes, but then Michael had pulled out his trump card - he’d give Luke his coveted spot in the corner of the staff room - and Luke had agreed to go.) 

“I fucking hate you,” Luke mumbles into the scarf currently covering a good half of his face. “I’m so fucking cold. This is not worth it to get you laid.”

“Fuck you,” Michael says automatically, eyes on Calum. He’s shouting encouragement and tactics at the Year 12 football team - not that Michael can hear it above the cheers and boos from the rest of the school and their opposition - but he looks so fucking good, brow creased as he focuses on the game. 

“Are there usually this many people at football games?” Ashton asks, looking around in wonder. “There aren’t, are there?”

“How d’you expect us to know?” Luke asks, exasperated. “We’re not usually at football games either.” 

“We’re being good friends,” Ashton tells Luke, a little sternly, and Luke huffs, but doesn’t say anything else. 

Their team scores, and the crowd erupts into cheers, because it’s now only two minutes until the end of the game and they’re two-one up, so it’s unlikely the result will change. Calum still looks determined, though, muttering something to Ben, the Year 12 captain, who nods and jogs back across the bitch to prepare for the kick-off. 

“I hate this,” Luke whines after a minute, because that’s apparently as long as he can keep quiet without reminding everyone how miserable he is. “This is why I’m a Maths teacher.” 

“Shut up,” Michael says, and then the final whistle blows and Calum’s face is finally relaxing, tension dissipating from his posture as he cheers with the rest of the crowd. 

“Calum looks really good tonight,” Ashton says, sending a glance in Michael’s direction.

“Alright, fuck me, I guess,” Luke grumbles. Ashton rolls his eyes. 

“You’re such a fucking bitch sometimes,” he says, but he looks around furtively before snaking his arm around Luke’s waist and giving it a quick squeeze. 

“Everyone knows you’re fucking,” Michael comments, still staring at Calum. “You don’t have to be sly about it.” 

“No they don’t,” Luke says, leaning into Ashton’s touch. 

“Yes, they do,” Michael says, and then he forgets what he was going to say next because Calum makes eye contact with him from across the pitch and gives him a huge grin, and Michael’s stomach bottoms out. “Fuck, he’s grinning at me.” 

“Well, grin back, idiot,” Ashton says, so Michael does. Calum holds his gaze for a moment, and then turns back to his team, leaving Michael feeling a little unsteady. 

“I’m in love,” he declares, for the nintieth time that week. 

“We know,” Luke says grumpily. 

 ------- 

 Michael’s halfway through marking 8A’s elements of music test when there’s a knock at the door. He looks up, expecting to see Luke or Ashton, not Calum. He looks out of place in his football kit in the music room, and Michael’s brain short-circuits as it tries to reconcile a hot man in Michael’s music room. 

“Hey,” he says, sticking his head around the door. “Am I disturbing you?”

“No,” Michael says, because Calum could walk in on him taking a shit and wouldn’t be disturbing him. “What’s up?” Calum steps into the room, clicking the door shut behind him, and throws himself down on a seat opposite Michael’s desk.

“So,” he says. “You know All Time Low are here next weekend?” Michael nods. He’s planning on going with Luke and Ashton. “I might have got two tickets to Sunday night.” 

“That’s sick,” Michael enthuses. “Who are you going with?” Calum throws Michael an odd look, somewhere between exasperation and amusement. 

“Well, I was hoping you’d want to come?” he says. Michael blinks. 

“Me?” he says. 

“Yeah,” Calum says, and there’s definitely a hint of amusement in his tone now. 

“I, uh.” Michael’s not really sure how to speak without saying yes, please, and please let me suck your dick while I’m at it. He swallows, hoping it’ll make the words disappear from the tip of his tongue. “I’d fucking love to.” Calum grins, looking relieved, and Michael realises that he must have been nervous . Something about that sends a thrill coursing through his veins - he’d made Calum nervous, somehow. 

“Sweet,” he says happily. “Text me your address? I’ll pick you up at five.” Michael just nods, not really trusting himself to speak, and Calum pulls himself up out of the chair, throwing him one last smile before he leaves the room. 

Fuck, Michael thinks, as the door swings shut behind Calum, pulling his phone out to Google how to fall out of love with a colleague. 

(It doesn’t help him at all.) 

 ------- 

 Next Sunday comes around faster than Michael had expected, given how much he’s been thinking about it. 

Luke and Ashton had been a little incensed when he’d told them he was no longer going with them but with Calum.

(“What?” Luke had said crossly. “Michael, you already bought your ticket.” 

“Yeah, but it’s a choice between third-wheeling you or one-on-one time with the love of my life,” Michael says dramatically. “What do you expect me to choose?”) 

At five to five, Michael’s sat in his living room, leg jiggling nervously as he checks his phone every two milliseconds just in case he’s somehow missed a notification from Calum in the time it’s taken him to blink. 

Calum, though, doesn’t even text to say he’s arrived, just rings the doorbell at five on the dot, scaring Michael shitless. 

“Hi,” Calum says, smiling, when Michael opens the door. He’s wearing a Nine Inch Nails shirt and straight-leg blue jeans, which should look incredibly nineties and not good at all, but somehow makes Michael want to drop to his knees right there and then. Although, he supposes, that’s what Michael wants to do regardless of what Calum is wearing, so it’s probably nothing to do with that. “You look gorgeous.” Michael has to bite his cheek to check whether he’s still alive and not, like, ascended to heaven.

“Thanks,” Michael mumbles when his mouth floods with pain and it becomes clear that yes, he is actually still alive, feeling heat rise to his cheeks from the sheer intimacy of this moment with a colleague-slash-friend-slash-soulmate-but-he-doesn’t-know-it. He’s so used to seeing Calum in the context of school that it feels strange to see him in normal clothes, standing on Michael’s doorstep. 

“Are you ready, or, like, d’you want me to stand here all evening?” Calum says after a moment, and Michael steps out of the house with a scowl. 

“Fuck you,” he says, trailing behind Calum as they walk to his car. 

“Maybe if you’re lucky,” Calum says, and Michael chokes on his next breath. Calum, however, doesn’t seem to notice, as he’s getting into the car and starting the engine. Michael takes the opportunity to splutter for a second, re-learning how to breathe for the first time in twenty-five years, and takes a deep breath before getting in the passenger side of the car. 

“What d’you reckon’s going to be on the set list?” Calum asks, reversing out of Michael’s driveway and setting off down the street. Michael hums in consideration. 

“Aside from the obvious?” he says. 

“No, Michael, tell me that Dear Maria’s going to be on the set list,” Calum says sarcastically. Michael scowls. 

“I’d punch you if you weren’t driving,” he tells Calum, and Michael sees him grin in the dim light. 

“I’ve found my shield,” Calum says, running a stop sign. Michael squawks as they swerve into the road, grabbing onto the handle on the door. Calum rolls his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, I’ve seen how you drive.” 

“Fuck off,” Michael says, scowling, but he can’t deny it. Speed is more important than safety, is his motto - mainly because he always sets off at least ten minutes late. 

“So?” Calum prompts. “Set list?” 

“I hope Monsters,” Michael says. “But honestly? I’d love some of the older stuff on there too.” 

“Yeah, I miss Stella being on the set list,” Calum says wistfully. 

“You saw them when Stella was on the set list?” 

“Yeah,” Calum says, a tad smug, and okay, fuck him. 

“Fuck,” Michael says, and he can’t even disguise the envy in his voice. Calum just laughs, throwing Michael a glance, and his eyes are glittering in the sunset, making Michael’s heart hurt a little bit. “You don’t deserve that.” 

“Hey,” Calum says, aiming for affronted, but he’s still grinning. “Don’t antagonise the driver.” 

“I can antagonise you all I want,” Michael says. “You’re not going to kill us on the way to an All Time Low gig.” 

“Might kill us on the way back, though,” Calum points out.

“Yeah, well, I can probably die happy, then,” Michael says, with a shrug. 

“True,” Calum agrees. “Good music, pretty boy in the passenger seat, what more could you want?” 

“Exactly,” Michael says emphatically, and it takes him until Calum’s started talking about the merits of Nothing Personal as compared to Don’t Panic to realise what Calum had just said. 

Michael’s in the passenger seat.

 ------- 

 The show, as expected, is amazing. 

Michael’s seen All Time Low, like, five times now, and they never fail to disappoint. He voices as such to Calum on the way home, running on a high of adrenaline and having seen Calum jumping in the pit, screaming the lyrics to every single song, which had only made Michael’s whole being-in-love-with-the-hot-PE-teacher situation a little more difficult to handle. 

“Right?” Calum enthuses, speeding along the almost-empty highway. “I’ve heard it so many times, but Therapy live just hits different.” 

“God, I know,” Michael groans, tipping his head back and closing his eyes, letting the memory flash in front of his eyes. “I actually heard the full band version live, once.” 

“Yeah?” Calum asks, a tinge of envy in his voice. Michael savours the moment. 

“Yeah,” he says, a touch smugly. “It was fucking sick.” 

“I can imagine,” Calum says. “I told Alex that they should play it like that tonight, but-” 

“Hang on,” Michael says, cutting Calum off, because he cannot be understanding this correctly. “Alex who?” Calum suddenly looks a little guilty. 

“Uh,” he says. 

“Alex who, Calum?” 

“Gaskarth?” Calum offers after a moment, and Michael gapes at him. 

“You know Alex Gaskarth?” 

“Well, y’know, I used to be in a band, and we opened for All Time Low, and-” 

“You opened for All Time Low?” Michael asks. Calum chews on his bottom lip. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m- look, I’m sorry for not telling you, okay? I got the tickets through Alex, but I thought if I told you you might just want to go for them, like, you wouldn’t get it, and-” 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you know All Time Low,” Michael huffs, sinking down in his seat. Calum throws him a worried look, so Michael adds: “I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” which makes Calum smile as he turns into Michael’s road. 

“Fuck you,” he says, but the concern is fading from his face as he parks on the road by Michael’s house this time. They both get out of the car, and then Michael hovers awkwardly by the little path that leads to his house. 

“You’re a traitor,” he says, when Calum rounds the corner of his car and comes to stand opposite Michael. He’s lit up in the orange light of the streetlights, dark brown hair surrounded by a halo of amber, and Michael doesn’t think he’s seen a prettier sight in his life.

“I had to make sure you were coming for me,” Calum protests, a smile playing at his lips. Michael blinks at him. 

“What do you mean?” he says, nonplussed. 

“Well, y’know,” Calum says, shrugging. 

“I don’t know,” Michael says. Calum looks at him oddly. 

“Wait,” he says. “You...you know this was a date, right?” Michael gapes at him. 

“Are you- wait, what?” Calum’s face falls, and he takes a step back, and no, no, no, that’s not what Michael wants. “Wait, no, I-” 

“Fuck,” Calum says, laughing uncomfortably as he cards a hand through his hair. “I probably should have made it clearer, huh? I did say I was bad at asking out cute boys.” 

“Me?” Michael’s voice is a good three octaves higher than usual. “You think I’m cute?” Calum smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“Michael, I’ve been flirting with you since, like, the minute I saw you,” he says. 

“You have?” 

“Jesus Christ,” Calum mutters, and then seems to pull himself together. “Look, I’m sorry if I, like, overstepped, made things uncomfortable, whatever. I’m happy to keep it professional, and-” he cuts himself off when Michael laughs. “What?” he says, and it comes out snappy. 

“Are you serious?” Michael says, and he’s grinning now, so much he thinks he probably looks a little creepy. 

“You’re kind of being a dickhead, now, you know that?” Calum says, a little sharply. 

“No, Calum, I- fucking hell,” Michael says, and a bubble of manic laughter escapes from him. “I’ve been kind of in love with you since, like, before we met.” Calum looks at him for a moment, expression unreadable

“Before we met?” Calum asks carefully. 

“Yeah,” Michael says, nodding. “10C pointed you out, in first period, and I kind of stared at you for half the lesson.” Calum says nothing for a moment, just keeps looking at Michael, and it’s starting to get a little unnerving, when-

“Oh,” Calum says, and a small smile is creeping onto his face. “You- wait, so, like, I didn’t misread it? You do like me?” 

“I mean, I did just say I was kind of in love with you, but sure, I like you," Michael says, and Calum grins, lit up by the streetlights and his happiness, and Michael thinks he’s found space in his heart that he didn’t even know he had since meeting Calum. 

“So,” Calum says. “This was a date?”

“This was definitely a date,” Michael agrees, feeling his stomach flip pleasantly at the words. 

“Would it be cliché to kiss you goodnight?” Calum asks, and Michael grins. 

“Definitely,” he says, “but I’ll kill you if you don’t.” Calum grins back, and takes two steps forward to close the space between them, bringing a hand to Michael’s jaw and pressing his lips to Michael’s gently. It’s chaste, sweet, slow, languid, and Calum kisses like Michael’s the only thing that matters in the world. He smells like mint and pine and vanilla, pressed close to Michael’s chest, slipping an arm around Michael’s waist, and Michael groans into the kiss as he thinks about Calum’s long fingers splayed across the small of his back. 

“Too much?” Calum asks, breaking away, and Michael shakes his head, pressing his forehead against Calum’s shoulder. 

“Not enough,” he says, because he doesn’t think he’s ever going to get enough of Calum Hood. Calum pulls him in for a proper hug, pressing a soft kiss to his temple, and Michael’s glad Calum’s got strong arms because he feels like his knees are about to give in. 

“Do you want to come in?” he mumbles against Calum’s shoulder. 

“Is that a proposition?” Calum says, smile evident in his voice. 

“Do you want it to be?”

“Maybe.” Michael swallows. Jesus Christ. 

“Then it is.” Calum pulls back and looks at Michael, suddenly serious. 

“Hey,” he says. “This isn’t- this isn’t just sex for me. I really like you, Michael. If you don’t want to, that’s okay. I want something more with you.” Michael grins. 

“Have I got to repeat the whole ‘kind of in love with you’ thing again?” he says, and Calum grins back. 

“Alright,” he says, and Michael hears his car squeaking to indicate it’s locked. “You’re making the excuses when we turn up to school tomorrow, though.” 

 -------

 A few students give them strange looks when they get out of Michael’s car in the morning. 

“Is this seriously the sportiest thing you own?” Calum grumbles for the fiftieth time, picking at the green hoodie and black jogging bottoms that Michael had chucked at him that morning. 

“Quit complaining,” Michael says, locking the car behind them and starting across the car park to the school. “Green’s your colour.” 

“Oh, that’s why you picked it,” Calum says, jogging a little to catch up with Michael. 

“Yeah,” Michael says with a grin, unashamed. Calum shakes his head, but he’s grinning too. 

“I’d kiss you right now if I could,” he says, as they turn into the building. 

“What’s stopping you?” Michael asks, as they make their way up the stairs to the staff room. 

“Uh, code of conduct? The contract I signed when I joined the school?” Michael rolls his eyes as he pushes open the door to the staff room. 

“Morning!” he chirps, heading straight for the desk Luke and Ashton are already sat at, Calum in his wake. 

“Morning!” a few people in the room chorus over the general buzz of post-weekend chatter. 

“Hey,” Luke says loudly, frowning. “Why’s Calum wearing your clothes?” 

The room goes still, and Michael just grins. 

[ashildrs-archive]

i 100% agree but please please please expand on the twelveriver is good elevenriver is bad

This contains 11/river crit and mild moffat crit so if you know you’ll disagree and don’t have an open mind about reading please don’t read and if you do don’t comment because I’ve considered all the arguments that can be made to dispute me and it’s not worth my time to reply

Okay I got quiet a few asks for this so here we go, apologies for the delay and a warning that this is several paragraphs long and you can't do cuts on asks sadly:

What you have to understand is I like river! I do. She’s has aspects and moments that I adore. But I have many problems w how she is written especially how she is written in a relationship w eleven.

First off, river’s life revolves around the doctor’s. I’m aware of the many arguments for and against this, but fundementally the way I see, it’s true. When river is introduced she has so much potential it hurts. She’s mysterious, captivating and appears to have lived this wonderful life - parts of which involve the Doctor. Not to mention at this point age clearly knows more than he does. It really kills me how much wasted potential there was.

River was born from the doctor’s companions, convinced in the tardis and raised to kill the doctor. She grows up and the first time she meets to doctor she is there to kill him. It doesn’t exactly spell out healthy relationship. From there she is sent to become the spaceman to - very predictably - kill the Doctor. Expect she doesn’t this time, because she “broke her mental conditioning” and learnt she would love him. And gave up all her regenerations to save the Doctor. Possibly thousands of years of her life. Before she even knew him. Not to even mention she became an archeologist because she wanted to find the doctor. I hate it. I really hate it.

And then there’s the question of their wedding. River says she’s rather all the universe die than the Doctor die at her hand, which the doctor is understandably alarmed by. So he marries her. For what? Love? No, moffats great love story is them and yet their wedding is far from romantic. He marries her to calm her down. It’s no surprise she didn’t think he loved her.

Which brings me nicely along to my next point. Their relationship is ridiculously unhealthy and unbalanced. River quickly loses whatever autonomy she’s had by being put in jail for killing the doctor (which, I might point out, she didn’t even do). She loves him - despite my issues w her knowing she would fall for him and so she did etc - I truly believe river loved the doctor in the most genuine way anyone can.

And maybe he loved her back. Maybe. You scarcely see it. He pops in to see river when he’s in the mood and spend the rest if his life having his own adventures w his own friends. While she waits. Because she would always wait. We’re told the doctor comes when river calls but do we ever really see that? Truly? No. “ I promise you, he’s doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me!” she says that. She believes that. The Doctor let her.

She does truly love him - and part of me thinks there’s an argument she sees herself as lesser than him. Or at least puts him on a pedastool. The man who saves the universe. “You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back!” her life belongs to his story and the Doctor is free to live his own. That’s so painfully, painfully unbalanced.

It hurts to love and not be loved in the sane way in return. To have someone ve the closet person in your life - the only real love in your life - and yet be just someone else they care about, far down the line of priorities to them. It’s cruel. It’s far too cruel and it’s no thing to base a relationship on.

And then there’s the fighting. They’re always arriving and as many times as you say it, is in not just “old married couple”. Then there’s the whole “can’t have two psychopaths in the tardis” bs. Can moffat PLEASE look up the definition of psychopath because he clearly doesn’t know. But I’m getting sidetracked. A could spout reasons river/11 is Hardly The Best Ship Out There all day, but I like to think I’ve made my point.

So, the husbands of riversong is the only 12/river content we ever got. And I loved it. This episode (funnily enough is the first I ever saw w River in it) genuinely is everything I ever hoped river would become. She’s interesting, she’s shown to have a life, and a very interesting and exciting one at that, outside the Doctor. She’s passionate abt her work and her personality really shines through.

But most importantly, the doctor realized. When she gives her speech (which is truly as beautiful as it is sad) the doctor realises what he did was wrong and that she ended knew he loved her. He suddenly see it all. He knows, and he tells her how it really feels and respects her for who she is and he looks at her and he’s so, so in love. There is so much in the episode I Love. And he isn’t messing her around with timelines or only half heatedly dubiously loving her or prioritizing so many other thing over her; their relationship is balenced and it is healthy and everything it always should have been. And I love it.

So I’ll always wish we had what riversong could have been and the potential of her story that we saw glimpses of. And maybe one day I’ll stop writing essays in the middle of the night about it. Today is not that day.