#therapy is expensive but drawing them is free
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nikoisme · 1 year ago
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Naptime
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herbarimoon · 4 months ago
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More izkt!
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fafayayarhen · 15 days ago
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2024 SpAus 💚💜
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as the year is coming to an end, just wanted to celebrate this lil milestone of the entirety of 2024 being my spaus season 💚💜🫒🪻
here's to 2025 and more pieces dedicated to my dearly beloveds!
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just-avocado · 2 years ago
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I should be studying for my finals but qsmp brain rot is more important (and these two stole my heart)
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opinated-user · 6 months ago
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friendly reminder that LO has faked to have cancer "coincidentally" right after her sibling Courtney came out alleging that LO essentially molested her when they were kids
we know that LO faked it for the following reasons: -first she claimed that it was skin cancer on the first stage and the only treatment she ever had was chemotherapy. first stage skin cancer is going to be treated normally with a minor surgery. -when more people started questioning her about it, suddenly LO claimed she never said what cancer that it was. -despite being in chemotherapy, LO claims that the expenses were "minimal", which is hard to believe even living in Canada. people go into debt paying for their treatment while still living on the exact same province as LO. -a normal chemotherapy treatment would last at least 6 months. we're talking about half a year of someone's lives in which your body basically is being destroyed in order to hopefully kill the cancer. not only LO hasn't shown literally no symptom related to chemotherapy during the entire period in which she should have it, but she also never told anyone about it during this process. including her own wife and her immediate family. not a single one of her closest friends ever knew or suspected she was going through this experience. she only mentioned some mild symptoms after some of her critics (including this blog) pointed them out at all. -not really proof, but the way that LO decided to announce she ever went through any of this was through a comic page on pokemadhouse to announce she was in "complete remission" already. to give an idea of how truly evil this is, her wife would have received the news that her wife had been lying to her for six months right before being asked to draw for free a comic to announce it to everyone else. regardless if you even believe that LO is lying or not, i think it's pretty clear we should be able to agree that this is just vile behavior and a total show of disrespect towards her own spouse. -complete and total lack of any real evidence. never a mention of visit to the doctor (only some "asks" teasing about getting "funny results" and nothing else), never a word about the kind of meds that she was taking, never saying a word even about what kind of chemotherapy she went through. this is not to say that she or anyone should owe it to the world to reveal every details of their lives in order to be believed, but we're talking about a experienced liar that has lied about so many things so many times before despite the clear and obvious evidence that still exist so the skepticism, plus the absolute lack of any evidence at all, is completely warranted in this case. to this day LO still claims that Stockholm does not exist. there's both audio, video and text evidence that she was the author and she fully intended to include every disgusting thing on it, that she wanted them there. lie about a fanfic and lie about cancer are two completely different things, but not to a liar who is used to lie for attention. -once again, this narrative of "i had cancer the whole time, but i was also in therapy and now i'm better so i don't really have to talk about any details about it ever again" started out really only shortly after Courtney came out speaking out. when you talk about youtuber or other influencers lying about having cancer for any nefarious reason possible, do not forget to include LO.
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mariemarion · 9 months ago
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hey, long time no been here. I'm sleepy, but I have something to say
I will abuse google translator a little cause I originally wrote all this in spanish :p
I haven't had energy the last few months. I am currently in a not very good state of mind so I will allow myself to be somewhat negative below.
I have lost interest in continuing with art, or at least the motivation is at the lowest level it has ever been, my only real reason for continuing is because it feeds my family, my pets and me, its reason enough to keep going , I fervently believe. But this doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm not going anywhere, that I'm stuck. Drawing has never been so exhausting, so tiring. I loved it, it may not be a permanent feeling, but currently I do not feel love for my drawings, for my current style, although I like it I feel that it is not mine, that it is not me, that I am not being sincere.
My dream is to reach that level of skill, like the meme, a rookie artist drawing something super rendered and complex and the senior artist drawing the most simplified style possible, I want to be that senior artist x'D.
How socials are treating and overshadowing artists lately also has a lot to add here, to hell with the numbers, I'm not interested in them, I'm not interested in the algorithm, I don't quite understand what it's about, I don't want to be tied down all the time , I want to come and go freely, that's all, I don't enjoy loggin into networks as i used to be.
Sometimes I would like to go back in time, when I felt free to create, when I was looking for to experiment and had fun. Today just thinking about holding a pencil makes me want to run away to the comfort of my bed or go play with my cats or to want to climb a mount and never coming back. And not to mention the damage I have done to my eyes and my hands, sometimes I can't do anything but overdo everything, and therefore hurting me, I foolishly force myself to accomplish deadlines that I have imposed on myself and that I am aware of its a short time.
I'm in a situation where I can't stop drawing, it's my job, I can't simply take a rest. I practically survive with what I earn (which lately is little), prices for many essentials are going up to the stratosphere and beyond (the price for cat food is so ridiculously expensive that I have started opting for homemade food) I have not been able to save anything, if I stop drawing and taking commissions, I don't know what else I could do, looking for alternatives is also tiring. I just want to sleep.
Apathy, that is my current state.
Fatigue.
Drowsiness.
A bottomless abyss, although when I say it out loud it makes me laugh x'D
Going to therapy has crossed my mind, I know there are issues to resolve, but thinking about the absence of money and next month's expenses somehow overlap everything else.
I think there were more things to add, but I can't think anymore.
I will not abandon art, it is clear to me, but if these last few months have been slow (in terms of making art), they will be even more so in the future, so you better do not miss me too much, you have been warned x'D
ty for reading
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isolationoverdose · 3 months ago
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who is nick tcc
i'm assuming you came from my friends selfship animations. erm. hi. i'm really embarrassed about being perceived but! let me tell you!!! because I finally get an excuse to infodump about ocs in public yayyyy
warning for topics of bugs, suicide, and medical stuff below
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his full name is nicholas calico (the "tcc" is an abbreviation of the story he comes from, "the cinema club". its my main oc universe.) and he is a doctor of sorts. he helps people out for completely free and in the comfort of his own home. because he doesn't work in a professional setting, he doesn't have a ton of room or resources to deal with many patients, so he isn't a long term doctor for many people. he simply helps them out with issues like injuries that need stitches, illnesses that need medications, etc. small stuff.
in his free time, nick also enjoys messing around with insects. he does a lot of bug taxidermy, which he hangs up around his office. he enjoys eating bugs as well. generally, anything bug-related will interest him.
on top of bugs, he collects a lot of abnormal things and keeps them in jars. these things include any parts that are removed (consentfully and with reason) from his patients (eyes, tongue, fingers, bones, etc.) and other strange little items like that. he has shelves upon shelves of these things, all sealed in jars. they don't have any use other than decor.
nick is a fan of art as well. he has a friend (one of my main characters) that he often commissions to draw paintings that he can hang up around his house. with all the images he has around his home, it could quite possibly be classified as a museum! he cherishes art so much that he often spends millions on just a single painting.
how can he afford to spend that much you ask? well. he's rich. rich as hell. nobody really knows how he gets all the money he has, but he's known in town as one of the upper class citizens. his house is pretty big and he lives a life of luxury....... or at least that's what people assume. they don't know a lot about him personally.
all the money he has is also what enables him to be able to care for people free of charge. despite having the money to do anything he pleases, nick actually doesn't live like a rich person. other than his home, no part of his life is much different from an average one. he doesn't buy expensive clothing, doesn't eat fancy foods, etc. his favorite thing to eat is literally bugs and cheeseburgers from fast food places. he's a freak.
in terms of family, nick lives alone with his 8 year old daughter. his wife went through medically-assisted suicide a while back due to an illness that made life too difficult to live. he doesn't like to dwell on it, though his daughter can't help it. a lot of his money goes into therapy and other treatments for her to help her cope and go back to normal life.
finally, nick's personality. not much to say here, as hes mute and his only way of showing his behaviors is through his face and the way he moves. he's quite relaxed all the time, often appearing tired or bored. he smiles fairly often, though it's never for anything happening in the present. we can only assume that he's just having some silly little thoughts in that brain of his. spinning fish or something. idk
im so.................... embarrassed............. why did I yap so much........
um. hope this helps <3
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cordate-chordata · 1 year ago
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Currently closed!
Due to some high dentist and therapy bills, along with some smaller vet blls, the regular costs of keeping pets afloat, and the expenses of fixing my turtle's pond, I decided to open up art commissions again. So:
Lamniform(a) / Cordate-Chordata / Anton / Katrin / Shad 's Art Commissions
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The following prices are for pieces with one character. Additional characters cost extra. All prices can vary depending on complexity
Sketches: Bust €2 - Halfbody €3 - Fullbody €4
Coloured cleaned up sketches: Bust €7 - Halfbody €10 - Fullbody €15
Monochrome painting: Bust €30 - Halfbody €50 - Fullbody €70
Lined with flat colours: Bust €30 - Halfbody €50 - Fullbody €70
Lined, coloured, and shaded: Bust €35 - Halfbody €57 - Fullbody €80
Colour painting: Bust €50 - Halfbody €75 - Fullbody €80
Backgrounds cost extra depending on complexity. Abstract shapes as bg are free.
I'll also do scenery drawings without anyone in them, if you think my skills are up for the task.
Payment via Paypal
What I will draw: - humans - animals (existing and extinct) - fantasy/sci-fi creatures, monsters, aliens, etc. - anthros - mecha - mobians (Sonic the Hedgehog characters) - nudity - nsfw* - gore**
What I will not draw: - *certain fetishes: diaper, scat, fat fetishes and related forms of inflation (includes most forms of vore) - **snuf - discriminatory content - anything I tell you I won't draw
I would prefer not to work for racist, queerphobic, anti alterhumanity, anti endogenic plurality people, and if those labels fit you, you probably don't want my work.
Please keep in mind that I have a full-time job and many mandatory „freetime“ duties. Commissions might take a while!
Contact me... Per e-mail: [email protected] On Tumblr: @cordate-chordata ; @nioice On Twitter / X: @ lamniforma On Discord: Lamniform
Sharing and recommending is lovely and appreciated.
Thank you for reading!
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lyraeon · 2 years ago
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at 20 I thought I was faking my depression and was "bad at life" and lazy like my family said. I still earnestly believed I was entirely straight and everyone knew girls are just nicer to look at. I still had a ton of ingrained racism and other bigotry from my Bush-worshipping family. My main dream of being an astronaut had been smashed by my anxiety and health problems, so I was trying to study Japanese because like every other weeb I thought I'd fit in better over there (lol), but I'd already flunked out of one college and been forced to quit another to get a second job. I was overdrawn constantly and often buying gas station gift cards at the grocery store so I'd only take one overdraft fee. I was dating someone horribly controlling who eventually earned the title "evil ex", dialed up my eating disorder, and traumatized me out of writing for 2+ years. I had several roommates because we all considered having the funds to go to anime conventions more important than personal space (and because back then we already thought $600/month was expensive). I spent any other free time half asleep at a friend's house cuz there I could play games and watch Intent videos. Half my meals came free from work, the rest were hacked together from stuff that worked out to $1/serving or so. The power or internet got turned off at least twice a year from non-payment.
at 25 I thought I was too depressed to deserve burdening others with my presence or existence. that I was a burden and purposeful downer and nothing would ever get better. I was still dealing with a ton of internalized transphobia, racism, and other bigotry that I had been taught was Just The Truth and still occasionally fall into. I was massively straight edge against weed and anything else (threatened to call cops on close friends) while also being a half bottle of vodka a day alcoholic just to get my brain to shut up enough to let me write or sleep. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol, if at all. I had lost my ability to draw when I severely injured my wrist while i had no insurance. I tried going back to school, first for architecture then teaching, and flunked/dropped out of both. I was losing jobs every 6~8 months from being chronically late and being sick constantly. I manged to lose one on my birthday and wound up having to make some other tough choices because of it. I had only just reached the point where being overdrawn was a rare thing and I wasn't buying single gallons of gas with tip money. food was still often just ramen but I no longer had days where I didn't know if I'd get to eat, though I was often dependent on my then-bf. I had multiple teeth rotting and couldn't afford any treatment besides getting them pulled, and often not until they'd become infected.
by 30 I was finally on antidepressants and in therapy. I was on the road to physical therapy for shoulder and wrist injuries that had happened years earlier. I was pretty happy in my relationship. I held down one job for almost 3 years straight after getting medicated, then turned around and flunked/dropped out of college for the 5th time (Physics this time) because I was too anxious to take public transit reliably and STILL couldn't do homework anywhere but in class, so most projects never got done. I'd stopped being able to write (and am still running from the possibility my meds Took That from me because it doesn't come back if I stop them). Food had become a different struggle - I no longer had time, physical health, or executive function to cook reliably so I was spending too much on take out and causing wild fluctuations in my weight. I was hiding my eating disorder from my partner and my friends. I had begrudgingly un-estranged myself from my family to support younger cousins as they came out as queer. I had developed a healthier relationship with alcohol. I had accepted that, outside of addiction, drugs are a bodily autonomy thing and stopped being an ass to people about them. I had finally learned some damn etiquette around things like not accidentally outing people. I started streaming and making videos - stuff I had dreamed of since first watching Dead Fantasy and Red vs Blue and Weeblstuff in high school but had thought impossible after I lost the ability to draw.
I'm currently 35. This year I am living on my own for the first time (aside from 5 failed months at 18). I got divorced - a complicated, regretful process that was ultimately for the best but I could and should have handled better (and sooner). I've been in physical therapy long enough that I'm able to use chopsticks properly again and am thinking of trying to relearn drawing. It's also meant I can do the dishes and wash my hair on my own again, most days, so I'm relearning how to cook consistently. I'm reading (listening to) books again. I'm on year 8 of antidepressants and currently working with my doctor to fine tune what I'm on (and finally have a system to take them consistently). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and figured out I might also be autistic, and a lot of things in my life make way more sense when viewed through that context. I have appointments to get evaluated for ADHD meds, autism, shoulder surgery/other "PT isn't enough" treatments, teeth implants, and new glasses. my clothes have been put away 3 of the last 5 times I did laundry and I've learned that if I only own one dishwasher worth of dishes, the sink can't pile up. I've fully embraced that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, and demiromantic, and that I can be cis while also being "gender agnostic" - none of it really matters or processes to me, but I get that it does to others so I respect it. I'm seeing someone who makes me feel like I can do anything, is inspiringly ambitious themself, and is equally polyam, meaning I might also be asking out a cute girl soon and don't know where board game nights with the nice throuple I met might go. I'm having to do odd jobs and accept help from my dad to make ends meet, but I'm arguably a full time content creator now - something I literally didn't even let myself dream about when I was younger because it felt impossible, but which is fully worth the complications and budget crunching because it's so accommodating to my disabilities and uses so many of my talents. I'm still depressed, but I have hope that ADHD treatment will help cut through the remainder. Most days I just have hope, period. And more days than not, I'm genuinely happy for at least a while.
You'll find yourself.
It might take a while. There will be detours, mistakes, pain, tough choices, and a lot of hard work. But there will also be unexpected joys and more possibilities than you ever imagined.
Someday, you'll find yourself.
And when you do, it will be worth the wait, I promise.
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glitterandmoondustofficial · 7 months ago
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So I’m actually going to use my blog as a blog! I’m going to track my days to note my stress and mood, and also track what I’m eating for my dietitian. This can be completely ignored! This is for my benefit only.
Alarm went off at 6:40 but slept until 6:50.
Fairly normal routine in the morning. Got up, fed KitKat, brushed teeth and hair, got dressed. Went outside to do my morning barn chores and saw the chickens were free roaming which is not great during the night.
Got yelled at by the sheep because they hate being in the stall compared to the horse trailer.
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Drove to work while listening to a playlist my roommate and I made together. I got three Hozier songs and a Sleep Token song on the drive so that was great! I’m taking that as a good sign.
This was what I packed for breakfast. I drink V8 energy drinks because I gave up coffee. It’s about to be two months without it. I wanted to try sheep’s milk yogurt but it’s far too sour for me unfortunately. It made me lose my appetite so all I ended up eating was the V8.
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And I also set these up. They were an early birthday gift.
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Started listening to this playlist while I started working in my cubicle.
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Checked my application status for the new position and it was very confusing so I really hope that they’ll contact me and at least tell me I didn’t get the job /:.
Have to work harder this week because my coworker is out and I’m in charge of her responsibilities. Yuck.
My horoscope for the day (it’s just for fun).
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Snack time consisted of a cheese stick and a handful of freeze dried coconut milk covered in chocolate.
Here’s what I look like today. Bangs are not banging since I didn’t blow dry them yesterday. Also had to pull hay out of hair as per usual lol.
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Lunch consisted of vegetarian ramen, green grapes, and sugar free sparkling “water.” Ate half of the ramen and all of the grapes.
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Spent the rest of my shift before leaving for therapy filling out my spreadsheets and then checking on the status of my application. I hope they at least interview me 🙏🏼
Therapy was good. I was able to properly vent about everything that’s bothering me. I got home around 5:00 where I had a snack of popcorn and some chocolate. Also my package came in that had the bulk unscented soap and reusable dispensers in it.
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Decided to have a meal while waiting for my roommates to come home. I had strawberries, pretzels, caramel popcorn, and a sandwich that was cold smoked salmon, spinach, spicy mayo, and everything bagel seasoning (since I’m out of furikake), on toasted sour dough bread 🥖. Ate everything!!
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Sitting outside while the sheep graze. It’s a nice cool day so sitting in the sun is very pleasant. The sheep grazed for a few hours while I sat in the sun. I also changed their water for the second time today since Princess won’t drink her water unless it’s changed that often and filled their hay bag. I fed them their pellets by hand to reduce choking risk and then put them up for the night.
After putting the sheep up I watered the garden. The garden is looking so happy and I’m really glad all that effort I’ve put into it is paying off. I’ll have to buy mulch soon but luckily it’s not a terribly expensive thing. All the sprouts are looking so good.
After the garden was watered I did the dishes. Then I took half of my vitamins. I took a shower and then blow dried and rolled my bangs so that they actually look decent tomorrow. I tried these cannabis seed oil eye gel things that were given to me as a gift to relieve stress and I guess they’re nice? Brushed and glossed my teeth and put on my night cream. Put my laundry away while KitKat ate his dinner.
Here’s my tarot draw of the day.
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King of Wands. A good card when I’m trying to move up in the company.
This is actually my favorite deck. I bought her on clearance and she brings a positive attitude to my life when I desperately need it.
At 9:30 I’ll take my meds and the other half of my vitamins and then hopefully fall asleep quickly.
Stress level: 6/10
Interest in eating: 3/10
Exhaustion: 7/10
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imhereforscm · 1 year ago
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Roasting the SCM gods
Disclaimer: I love all the gods and I don't genuinely think badly of any of them. These are all purely for fun💖
Leon:
• Animal control? Hello???
• You could call him a "dumb mammal" and it'd be scientifically correct, I guess.
• Don't be shy, take Karno out of friendzone.
• He wouldn't replace the toilet paper and I'm holding a grudge for that.
• His brain sporadically does a buzzing sound, he says something smart and then lets steam out of his ears, before shutting down again.
Scorpio:
• You can't threaten me AND sound sexual. Pick one!
• Just admit you're a switch, but you prefer the sub role, I won't judge you. Unless you're into it-
Teorus:
• You know that feeling when you look at someone and you KNOW they can't find the clit?
• Can't find the clit, but will find your heart, WHICH IS FAIR-
• Gets off to biology books.
Dui:
• I won't slander this one. Even I'm not strong enough for this.
• BUT I CAN SLANDER HIYORI FOR SLAPPI-
Huedhaut:
• Huedhoe
• Huedwhore
• The guy in a comment section who'd tell you: "google is free."
• He's the epitome of "I'm gonna put my cold feet on you."
Ichthys:
• Zyglavis probably sends letters home, telling his parents about him being suspended from the department of punishments.
• Where the fuck are the batteries? I'm interested...... For a friend....
• The one guy you don't want in your path when you're on your period. And he shouldn't want you in his either.
Karno:
• Oh, so, pinning for Leon, while being unaware he's also pinning is your brand!
• Must be odd to be in love with the man you're babysitting, because BOI IS HE HELPLESS.
• Has tried faith, reverse psychology, witchcraft AND blackmailing, yet the friendzone is not leaving.
Zyglavis:
• You remind me of half of the baggage I left in therapy.
• "Here to talk to you about your car's extended warranty." —His face just gives me that, idk
Aigonorus:
• This man is sleeping for the both of us.
• He's the amount of sleep I'm missing manifested into a person.
• An icon. An idol. I aspire to be him at night.
• Rude of him not to share with me.
• Where do you get so much inspiration to close your eyes and sleep??? Is it expensive for me to buy it too??
Krioff:
• Heating pad.
• He do be tryin'. But he do be failin'.
• You remind me of the other half of the baggage I left in therapy.
Tauxolouve:
• A two-week relationship, you say?? Sounds like the relationship I have with healthy sleeping patterns.
• "Draw me like one of your french girls."
• Don't let him watch "Titanic"
• Has Pinterest.
Partheno:
• Keeping Up With The Kardashians manifested into a person.
• That moment when I accidentally saved a sex song into my playlist of sad songs is basically his route in a nutshell.
• So do you like milfs??
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circusclownsam · 10 months ago
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sweet home oc (may be short, sorry)
general info
name; Min-Ya Choi
nickname; Minnie, prefers that nickname only
age; 18
born; 3/9
race; asian
ethnicity; korean, australian
known languages; korean, english
voice; mid pitch, slightly raspy
accent; australian, more noticeable when speaking english
scent: a soft, vanilla smell
physical info
height; 5’2 (158cm)
weight; [no offical document]
eye colour; dark blue with specks of light blue
hair colour; chocolate brown
hair length; thigh length
hair texture; 2C
body shape; hourglass, average thickness, small waist, D cup size
face claim; https://pin.it/58oF6gWUg
piercings?; five on each ear.
scarring?; inner thighs, arms and back. prefers keeping them hidden
other features; freckled cheeks, nose and shoulders. dimpled smile
attire (separated for length)
main attire;
; https://pin.it/5cLIMnNbW
; https://pin.it/4DXBwDUGk
; https://pin.it/3GuYDT8xd
; https://pin.it/7IP5tjiLh
; https://pin.it/1qu6xn1Ep
; https://pin.it/64tU6lyl4
; https://pin.it/5N8o5dO1H
; https://pin.it/57cHa7yB7
; https://pin.it/6ksqTXffY
; https://pin.it/7hOclVhOE
; https://pin.it/7BduTp2bD
sleep attire;
; https://pin.it/3BYbORCry
; https://pin.it/3cGZMGs9z
; https://pin.it/7xdcPzaHA
; https://pin.it/4oqlDVArM
; https://pin.it/21tH5CzYs
personality
positive traits; honest, caring, flirtatious, humorous, selfless, protective, brave (will add more, probably)
negative traits; introverted, sarcastic, secretive, cold, blunt, trust issues (will add more, probably)
likes; reading alone, listening to music, patting Bom, taking care of su yeong and yeong su, annoying Hyun Su, drawing in her free time, studying the fauna around her, spending time with eun hyeok, her personal space (mood)
dislikes; eun yu, monsters, when su yeong and yeong su are hurt, when people invade her space, getting hurt, her father and mother.
good habits; carries around a pocket knife, neatening things
bad habits; scratching at her scars, picking at her nails
neutral habits; pacing when in thought
fears; deep-bodied water (oceans, pools), her father
hobbies; reading, sketching
talents; violin, archery
insecurities; her scars at times, her overall appearance
relations (very short, sorry)
father; robert kingly, died via drunk driving, strained relationship due to abuse
mother; lin choi, unknown, strained relationship due to neglect
sister; katie choi, died at the age of seven, close relationship
other relatives?; nan in australia, fathers side
friends; eun hyeok, ji su, su yeong and yeong su
closer to; su yeong and yeong su
enemies; monsters, mostly
(potential) love interests; hyun su, eun hyeok
health info
physical health; healthy, exercises daily
mental health; mild case of social anxiety, unmedicated
therapy; attended therapy since she was ten, stopped going as it got expensive
allergies; sunflower(oil, seed etc), mild, slight rash and sniffle
addictions; none
eyesight; 20/20 vision, no need for glasses
dental care; brushes regularly, healthy white, no known cavities or sensitivity issues
hygiene; bathes as much as she can, no bad odour
diet; balanced, eats what she can
hearing; can hear quite well
living info (again, very short)
born in; south korea, seoul
past residence; australia, sydney
current residence; green home mansion apartment (s1), an abandoned caravan (s2)
apartment number; room 201 (idk how the rooms are numbered, yeah)
transportation; a motorcycle (s2), a skateboard
occupation; unemployed as of now
past occupation; babysitter, part-time at a café
(short, but i’ll add more if i feel like it lmao)
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nyrator · 3 months ago
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I guess for a life update..
Overall doing okay, but just drifting it feels like
I've been working my chocolate shop job for almost a year now, they treat me pretty nice thankfully- my birthday was recently, they took me out to dinner and an amusement park, and they got me a lot of My Melody presents like a big pillow and a lamp and a Hello Kitty mug and a big tub of our store's peanut butter cups (the last one we had that they stored away for my birthday)
I'm still dirt broke and living in a subsidized senior apartment but still managing to break even somehow still..
I'm working on an October art challenge and so far I've managed to hit every day so far.. Might try to post them here when it's done somehow, 31 images is a decent amount of images though.. apparently Tumblr allegedly allows 30 images now at least? So hmm..
Been streaming a bit less- would like to stream more, but burnout is strong and lately it feels like I don't really have any kind of goal or dream or motivation to do anything.. just going through the motions, I guess.
I'm still in therapy every week, and I've also started taking medication recently... First Zoloft, which worked really well, but it might be causing liver damage according to my blood work, so my psychiatrist is having me swap to Wellbutrin.. at the moment I've been hitting some lows but hopefully that's just from the transition period
I have throat issues (EoE, my throat's basically allergic to random things that are hard to pinpoint) and still struggle to eat most foods without choking/vomiting, and I've gained a lot of weight lately with my current diet (apples+peanut butter and chocolate from work with the occasional protein shake/yogurt/gluten free pasta dinner), feeling really bleh about the weight gain and want to lose it..
Been a bit more open about the nyan issues, both personally and in art- even got a medical prescription related to it, though the prescription itself still hasn't come in yet and I don't trust it to work well to be honest.. it's just an expensive bad habit. But I'm more open about it, which I guess is the important thing.
In terms of art, I don't know what I want to do exactly... I have a few short term goals- update my stream a bit, do some updated console reference sheets, draw nyans, but otherwise not sure.. Rotten Nyan's on indefinite hiatus since I can't get myself to work on it anymore, but I'd like to go back someday. I want a big project to work on, though, I just don't know what.. I have Ren, my latest vent OC, but they're very weird and I still feel self conscious about them, and don't really know what to make with them.. at least I've been doing that October challenge with them though.
In short just in a mental space where I'm just drifting, no goals, no desires, nothing I want to watch or play or experience, no one I feel like hanging out with, just kinda drifting 24/7... but at least my menhera's gone down a lot since medication, I used to have some concerningly bad thoughts before I started taking them which thankfully have dissipated I think..
Also Twisted Wonderland is still good. Vil is good. Cater is good. Jade is good. Lilia and Epel and Leona and... Boys good.
Here Ny's current anime boy husbandos (I wanted to fit Hiiragi too but 7 is such a weird number to chart..)
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leadendeath · 8 months ago
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i was anticipating this when i added it to my about.
for cats, i do not enjoy saying this but i really, really don't like cats. i won't say "hate" because that is offensive and it is just an animal. realistically that's just a lil guy there. but just like some people don't like dogs, or snakes, or are scared of those species... that's me, only with cats. i don't like talking about it because cats are so beloved on the internet, it probably sounds absurd to think of someone having an aversion to them. but i'm scared of them. i got my reasons. the worst is when they are looking right at you or doing the chirping noises. if i see one irl i'm overcome with a feeling of dread and "i gotta get out of here". if someone has a cat in their house, i can't visit them. (nevermind i'm allergic too lol, even my body overreacts to them) i've always felt the same but one of the worst cat things i've ever seen is the video where the black cat's eyes are glowing and it's moving its mouth in a way i can only describe as like a demon, possessed, terrifying. i'm gonna let you guys see some of my blacklist right now, but did you know how many words get caught in the blacklist which are not "cat" when it's not in the tags?
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...i try to cover as many bases as i possibly can myself. this is from both the "filtered tags" and the "filtered content" options in the settings.
cartoons and furries are fine. it's really real/photographs/cats irl. if i do draw a cat i am NOT using a reference image lmao. if you identify as a cat or have a cat sona youre fine too!!! <3 i wish tumblr had a whitelist so i could add the numerous peoples' urls with "catgirl/catboy" in them to it. those are fine lol
i've only ever seen one other person who has the same aversion as me. i've seen a person on here whose url is basically "do not interact if there are dogs on your blog" and thats so fuckin based of them. good for them for speaking up about it and making themselves more comfortable.
as for scars, just gonna come out with it i have a ton of self harm scars myself. and i've had extremely bad experiences medically and in hospital due to physical attributes i have, let's say, without going into uncomfortable detail. i am an anomalous being, and there exists some who like to abuse that. there's not much of me that's un-scarred.
photographs of real people where you can see scars do not offend or irritate me, or anything negative, not at all! of course not. it's just a feature of the body. what bothers me- and i'm about to just sound like a hater right now but i don't even know how to explain it myself- is scars presented positively. and it's purely because i do not feel positive about myself. i've tried putting some of my scars on my sona (because it suits his character), unstylized, unartistic, just matter of factly, but it has not helped me feel better. i don't think "ew scars :/" or even "scars are bad :/"... i can't imagine anyone thinking like that but some people out there probably do (which is Not Good)... what i do think is "wish i could feel better about mine" or when someone has less than me or less severe ones, i end up thinking "wish mine were like that". it makes me spiral on bad days. after years, and after literally going through the stages of grief, i've accepted what's happened, and i'm actually (at time of writing) over 1 and a half years clean from SH, my longest streak ever since i was barely double-digits age! :) tagging for #scars, #sh scars, or #surgical scars helps me more than you could ever believe. therapy is expensive and risky, tagging is free. i know how this looks, it makes me nervous to talk about it out of fear of being misunderstood, but i've wanted to speak up about these topics for years. having other persistent mental health issues like body dysmorphia disorder (linked to ocd, especially the "control" obsession-compulsion) and psychosis kind of have a multiplying affect on the issue. i hope to not need tags one day, but i'm very far off from that point at the moment. i am working on things as much as i can in the meantime.
if you have questions, don't leave them unasked! i cannot guarantee i'll be able to provide an answer, but i sure will try. i'm sharing all this because of how necessary i feel it is. i don't like opening up but it needs to be done. i hope y'all will understand but i can see how it can't be understood on both these points.
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journalgirl · 1 year ago
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The Joy of Running Out
Let’s pick up like old friends…
I’m not sure these days how many people read blogs, so I’ll write for myself and let you read. 😉
My art and materials have changed since we last spoke. I’ve shifted to coloring my own drawings, and messy collage work in my art journals. The imagery and details have deeper meaning — I referenced one in my last therapy appointment to the delight of my therapist.
When I started creating art, it was a struggle to translate my emotions from words — which was my primary way of expressing myself — to images. When you pick up art later in life, after college, there’s a learning curve. Composition. Color. Line. Medium. Substrate. I feel my early days was me throwing whatever made me smile at the page and seeing what stuck. Then manipulated to try and tell a narrative.
I rarely use paint, unless it’s in the form of a marker. I collage with a glue stick. Whatever I use most is within reach of my giant chair in the living room, where I do 80% of my art. And for a girl who rejected many coloring books because the tiny details made my hands ache…it appears that doesn’t apply when I am the one doing the drawing!
What’s different is me.
While we all long for the inspiration that propels us to create every day, I often struggled doing so. I was ill and exhausted and wished I could do more, create and experiment, like my friends. I did my best, said, “Good enough,” a lot.
I’m living in a new state — my third! — in my own comfortable apartment filled to the rafters with art supplies. I encourage you to find a closet or cabinet that holds anything else (ok the kitchen is just the bulbs for my studio lights, but it’s the safest space). You won’t find one. There’s less stress and more self-care. I work a wonderful day job I love, but also continue to struggle with mental and physical health issues.
I say this because, about a year ago, something amazing happened: I started working at least 2 hours a day on art. It started with coloring the work of other artists, then drawing florals, collage, and now I live in the world of mandalas and the mix of supplies that continue to inspire me.
(I’m actually taking a break from my current one; I’m in hour 7.)
As you can figure by the tumbleweeds gathered in the corners of this blog, I didn’t share much on social media. I don’t spend nearly as much time on my phone, and when I post, I’m in the frame of mind that I’m sharing with my friends. There are rarely hashtags, the posts are inconsistant, and doesn’t see much engagement past my Facebook friends. It wasn’t very important, running to share something the moment I put pencil to paper; I fell into this pitfall a few times in my life, and it always ruined and disrupted my inspiration.
Now? Now I make stuff, and if people like it, awesome! I actually taught my first class in 10 years to a small group of friends and delighted more in the kind words from friends who shared my post. Because my students were friends, I didn’t feel pressure to have everything set up perfectly. I no longer have a DSLR to film with, and my laptop is a modified MacBook Pro from 2009. I loved teaching live, as I could get feedback from my students, as well as answer their questions, in real time.
(I’m working on a ‘sequel’ right now, as I ran out of time to share everything!)
The joy? Using much loved supplies to the point they need replacing because of how much you use them. Being able to info dump at friends all I’ve learned from wearing out even the expensive stuff.
Sometimes, you need to run out of what was so there’s room for what can come. But the only way you get there is to just run free with radical acceptance, use the pretty things, and allow something you never expected to take root and grow.
I’ll see you next week, friends.
💜 Kira
(Yes, I am changing my legal name!)
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n0ts0phism-art · 1 year ago
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There is an accompanying story made for this piece, which I'll include after the break:
October was rough.
In short order, I was forced to leave my job, my father’s health began to sharply decline, and perhaps worst of all, we made the decision to put one of my dogs to sleep. So many negative experiences led to intense emotions stirring within me, and while I can’t say it was proving to be too much, it was definitely holding me back from doing what I love. I thus devoted all my energy to other important matters, namely gaining support for my disabilities that will help me land a new job and attending therapy sessions.
Unfortunately, the former required a lot of waiting. The department I contacted is understaffed and was dealing with system outages that impeded progress on their assessment of me. Nevertheless, I was ultimately approved, and I shall be receiving support starting next year. It’s quite a victory; objectively speaking, I feel I’ve made more progress seeking their support than just toughing out the job market on my own…
But it still felt like a hollow victory. Sure, I was ultimately able to accomplish these important tasks, but it felt like it was at the expense of my hobbies. I had been abstaining from them, simultaneously wanting to commit to them but acknowledging them as distractions that I shouldn’t commit to, lest I end up leading an unsuccessful life. Even though I continued drawing, I kept all of my art after a certain point private, as most were simple exercises to test my rendering. I did not want to publicize a lot of it, and I feared I was losing touch with my hobby. But because I still felt passionate about it, I felt broken and unaccomplished, incapable of following my dreams despite shooting for the stars.
Eventually, December arrived, and I still hadn’t improved. In fact, in some ways, it felt like I had gotten worse. By the time Christmas Eve came around, family had dropped by to catch up and exchange gifts. I kept mostly quiet, knowing that I couldn’t hide how depressed I was but trying to make myself feel better with my family’s presence… But it didn’t work. I couldn’t even bring myself to be happy during what many people call the most wonderful time of the year. That night, I sat alone with my thoughts for a long few hours, trying to pinpoint why this family meetup didn’t help me. I played the year’s events back and forth within my head… And I realized that a lot of them seemed to be building up to what happened in October. Or, rather, every year of my life had built up to this moment.
It finally hit me: through the days I had been so focused on obtaining vocational rehabilitation support, I hadn’t properly grieved for my dog. After a few weeks, I assumed I had already healed from the emotional wounds, but I had simply started to ignore them as other matters came up. I still have time to challenge those emotions, work through them, and fully embrace them. From there, I began reevaluating how I had been spending my free time up to this point. Despite me never publishing some of those practice sketches I did, that did not discount their value. It was thanks to them that I had my style and rules for illustration down to a science. It was also thanks to my dedication to seeking help for employment that I had potentially secured myself a more stable future.
I wasn’t broken. I was restrained. And even with these limitations, I still found ways to work around them. With a clearer mind and a repaired resolve, I realized it was now time to completely break free. Thinking back to a coping strategy I heard about in passing, I pulled up a piece of vent art I made in the month everything went down, staring at the monster that embodied everything weighing me down. I imagined it restricting my mind and body, taunting me every second of the way as it suckled on my dog’s spirit… And with a primal, paternal fury I never felt before, I screamed. I declared that this thing was not only going to experience sheer terror for the first time in its life, but it was going die by my hands the second I made peace with my dog’s death.
The nights in which I worked on this illustration became some of the most emotionally intense experiences I ever had. I wanted this piece to be the best it possibly could be within my current skill set, and I was not going to let my negative emotions get in the way of that. I made speeches, I yelled some more, I released battle cries, and basically did anything I could to get my emotions going, to guarantee that I’d be putting my all into this project. I was going to be damn sure that this project would reach completion by the end of the year, and that I could end 2022 on the highest note possible.
This wasn’t just the final piece of the year. This was a battle. A battle to cement my worth as an artist and a person, and to definitively challenge my grief, my anger, my depression, and all of my other burdensome feelings. It may not be a perfect illustration—the line weight is all over the place, the brindle fur isn’t the best, perhaps the colors could be a little better, and I’m fairly certain the collar is screwed up—but it was meaningful. And for that reason, it’s safe to say that I emerged victorious.
Sleep well, Tiger. It may be too anthropomorphic a description to say as much, but I hope this piece makes you proud. I hope that I continue to make you proud as I continue fighting the good fight and doing what I love.
Goodbye. I shall continue loving you forever.
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I’ll start off this page with my last piece from 2022. It is a commemorative piece in honor of my dog, Tiger, who sadly passed away on October 5th of that year.
It’s not perfect; had I done it now, there are a few things I’d do differently. But it was extremely formative to my development as a person, and I admire it for capturing such a critical moment in time.
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