#therapy and meds have helped me

[deoidesign]

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[foreverxdaydreaming]

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[lesbianwyllravengard]

Starting to slowly realise I'm really not doing well mentally and it's. concerning. I feel like I should take a break from tumblr bc it takes some of what little energy I have but it's also my source of joy with friends so idk what to do, like I'd miss y'all more than I'd feel good about being away. But if you notice me talking less/not responding in days it's bc I just cannot. I leave your message notifs up so I don't forget tho <3

[thegcng-arch]

hey guys, i hate making posts like this but i am in need of some extra help right now. due to hours being cut at work and being out of the office over the holidays i am really tight for money. i'm will not be able to afford my meds this month and my bills coming out at the end of the month. i can ask for an advance at work, but if i do that i won't be able to make my rent payment next month if i do that. i know it's after holidays and money is tight for everyone right now, but if anyone can assist in any way so i can get my meds, pay my bills, and buy some more groceries/cat food/cat litter that would be appreciated. if you can't help out, please feel free to reblog this. thank you guys.

venmo: ejholly / paypal.

[moe-broey]

Besties it may be so fucking over. I think I might literally unironically have covid.

Which is. So unbelievably Stupid. For the entire duration of its existence I managed to avoid it. I was gonna get my updated vaccine at the end of the month. I go to a concert (one of many for the fucking record) and I am masking for the majority of it. I get fucked up by a crowd surfer I almost lose a piercing (bloody but healed okay, was only a bit crusty the day after). Maybe it wasn't the wisest decision to put it right back in but like bitch???????????? What else was I gonna do?????? I mean. Maybe if I were smarter I would have just waited til I got home to fully sanitize it. It did happen during the last set. But like are you kidding me do you think I'm thinking anything other than "Oh shit I almost lost a piercing and it would be a pain in the ass to replace it and I don't wanna risk my hole closing up". In all fairness I think I'm allowed to be a bit stupid there.

Anyways my symptoms haven't been cold like or flu like and they feel exactly like what I experienced when I got the vaccine way back when. Headaches, muscle aches, loss of taste, difficulty breathing even just with. A sports bra. I kinda stopped binding a while ago bc of the strain. It may be so fucking over for me. Literally get top surgery or just fucking die. Have to figure out what's up here first though, gonna call my doctor about it. 🧍

[batb1mb0]

Since I’m seeing a lot of people write about their religious upbringing and Ghost…I guess it’s finally my turn. I don’t know if I should but warnings but I’ll put them here anyway.

TW: talk of religion (obviously), family member death, minor talking about masturbation acts, religious trauma, gaslighting, toxic relationship with family

TL:DR: I loose my grandmother and start questioning my faith. Later on my friend shows me the band Ghost and I thought I could finally like something that I relate to.

This all started in 2014 when I was just a freshman in high school. I was 14 at the time about to turn 15, living the best of my life that I possibly could for a 14 year old. I was learning how social media worked, I was playing flash games, I had a great connection with my family. Life was great. The only down side was my grandmother, who I was very close to, was very very sick. She had been sick for three years before this whole moment in time. I got a text one day in December. I still remember the date and time of that message; December 17th, 2014 at 2:45 pm. I see that my mom had texted me and said that both her and dad are in the high school lobby waiting to pick me up. I found this weird since I didn’t need two family members to pick me up. So I thought nothing of it.

When I got downstairs, that was when I heard the news that made me loose my cool. My parents informed me that afternoon that my grandmother had just passed that afternoon and they were signing me out of school a week early due to funeral planning and other things like that. The moment I heard that news, I broke down in tears and fell to my knees. I loved my grandmother. She was like a second mother to me and now I had just heard the news that she was no longer with us. This was the start of my spiral into depression. And it didn’t help that I tried to live in denial for the most part of it.

So with this major death in the family, I was really starting to question my religion. I was brought up Catholic in a very religious family. We always went to church every Saturday evening, I was practically brain washed into thinking this is the only religion you can be. I understand that some other Catholic upbringing stories are not like this but the way mine is, it was more like a cult the more I think about it (I’ll make a separate post talking about that). I really was thinking if god was all good and loving, then why couldn’t he fix and heal my grandmother. I was told to always pray to god if I needed help but it was clear he wasn’t listening to me in those moments. So I decided to drop Catholicism as a whole. The only problem was, my high school was Catholic and I had to get through three years of pretending to be Catholic.

Jump to my senior year of high school. I was 17 at the time so I am still a minor. My high school was offering this religious retreat called kiros. Basically it was a religious retreat to grow your relationship with god or find him again. It was for four days and three nights and I look back to it…it sucked. If you didn’t think religion can be a cult, this was surely the nail in that coffin. We were given the same shirt and the same colored bandanna. The only way to tell us apart were the pants we wore. And we had to wear that shirt the whole time. But this is only scraping the surface of this whole retreat.

The one night I am haunted by is the night we had to do confessions. Now already I don’t like telling a stranger my imperfections, what made them think I would tell a holy man my imperfections. Well…I don’t know how but it worked. I was put into a small room with the priest, he got me to calm down and I still curse myself each day for remembering the interaction so well. The way I had admitted to self exploration in the bedroom, the way I was crying out of sheer EMBARRASSMENT! I wasn’t being healed. Though the priest thought I was being healed and finally accepting god into my heart and that’s why I was crying. No. I was bawling my eyes out due to the embarrassment I felt that I just told this man, who is a stranger and old enough to be my dad, what I had done to myself. It was that I finally was seeing how scary this religion truly is…how far gone you can easily be if you are not careful. I should say any religion is that way. But my experience was truly traumatic and I was given nothing in return. I gave until I could not give no more.

Jump to me in college, these next five years flew by quickly. I was finally with people I could call friends. A close friend of mine showed me their tarot cards, and I was fully clicking with it. Better than my TWELVE YEARS of Catholicism did for me. Of course when I was getting into tarot and the starts of paganism I hid it from my parents. Mainly my mother since I knew she would disapprove of it. And I was right. When I was 22 and I told her I am now pagan, she never gave me a second glance. Just an eye roll and thinking I’m trying to get out of going to church with her. No. This is something I made on my own. And this was around the time a friend I met at work was telling me about Ghost. I had Mary on a Cross playing since it was a song I was hearing all over Tiktok and I just liked the tune of it. So they told me a little about the band and showed me a few more of their songs that I was instantly clicking with. Year Zero and Cirice really got to hold onto me and given my past, it shows why Cirice really has a hold on me.

Even today, I am finding so many friends in this community who have some variety or religious trauma or just use the music to escape. I’ll say this, I’m glad I was introduced to it. It helps me when I am in my dark hours and when I feel like the world is crashing down on me. It is a temporary escape while I still live with my parents for the time being. However my happiness always has to come to an abrupt end. Present day me, did recently receive a letter that high school me did write. Everything was fine until I read one line of the letter…a line that nearly sent me over the edge when I read it…

“Hopefully you are still Catholic, if not pray to god and help yourself to get back into his love”

Even going to as far as to attached a picture of the letter to show I am not making any of this up…But yeah…thanks to the wonderful people who have been with me all through this little obsession, you guys mean the world to me…it’s true. If you do have ghost…you really do have everything

-Chloe

Below is the actual letter…

[medicinemane]

Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain

[batfamfucker]

I've never wished to be part of the the Batfam more than right at this moment because I am struggling to understand any of the work for my Acting Shakespeare class and I just know literature nerd Jason would be so passionate about it he would jump to help me if I asked. I bet he has power points dedicated to each play just in case someone ever asked. He would help me get my degree. I would cry from pure relief. Save me, Jason Todd, save me.

[oakthefrog]

shout out to all my mfs who -for whatever reason- are waiting to get meds.

whether you're too young for them, can't afford them, waiting for a restock in your local pharmacy, etc.

you got this, i hope you get what you need to help soon

[lucyvaleheart]

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[theleafwarden]

I'm never gonna get the proper help for my mental health. More therapy is not gonna fix me if I literally can not afford it. Therapy twice a month?! Ma'am! You got 200 dollars!? Like why won't this lady believe that I have some form of bipolar. Man I'm tired. I just want the over thinking to chill, I want the mood swings to stop, and I want help with my ADHD. Bruh Imma just stop going to the doctor after this year. I literally can't afford it and I don't wanna do the run around just to tell you I'm right. 😤

[excelsior9173]

i’ve been saying i’d do it since damn september but guess who’s finally going to call and make a fuckin doctors appointment?? this guy!

it’ll take forever to get in but i actually can’t cope with the mental week from hell before my period. never in my life have i wanted my cycle to show up but i am begging my body to hurry up and start bleeding so i can feel somewhat normal again

i think this last week has been one of the worst i’ve had. the suicidal ideation has been at an all time high- i came the closest i ever have to acting on it (but hey at least there’s no intrusive thoughts right now??) and the anger is unmanageable. it’s probably for the best i’ve been alone because the only person i can be mean to and hurt is myself. i have been blowing up nonstop and honestly the rage scares me. i don’t want to be that person. i don’t want to hurt myself either

anyways. just having a really bad time the last few days and desperately need help so i’m gonna suck it up, kick my ass into gear and call the damn campus office on monday.

[howdoweevensurviveinthislworld]

This is such a blessing of you to share my story. I'm so sorry and embarrassed to ask you to donate as well

There is nothing to be ashamed of here. You're doing what you have to, to survive and to me it's truly commendable that even in a situation as grim as this, you're still fighting!

That being said, I'm really sorry. I can't fulfill that request right now. I am unfortunately not in a financial situation where I can donate.

HOWEVER I am currently looking for a job, so once I have disposable income I'll make sure to donate !!

[floral-hex]

fuck, I hate telehealth, but ya know, I think I’d actually like it if it was in minecraft instead of a video call. Let’s do therapy in roblox or something.

[kyofsonder]

Physically, I'm already lying down.

Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.

[pandaspwnz]

Me, 10 years ago: having a full blown panic attack before getting blood drawn, complete with shaking and sweating and nausea, wanting to run screaming and also cry, also needing numbing plasters on my arm beforehand, almost hysterical at the idea of needing to be poked multiple times because of my stupid, deep, rolling veins making it hard to draw my blood

Me, getting blood drawn today: calm, dgaf, medicine student asks if she can practice by drawing blood on me and I'm literally like ya, sure, might be difficult but you're welcome to try, making casual smalltalk the whole time, not bothered by the poke or needle at all