#then we started having patroclus say bitch and i think i said patroclus is like jesse pinkman

[vohtaro]

achilles’ breaks are a serious matter. bitch. | in which patroclus is rather protective of achilles’ break time and continues his crass manner with zagreus and also calls him a bitch because he can

[differentnerddiplomatopera]

ok work with me here, see my vision

*At Clytemnestra’s and Agamemnon’s house*

*Achilles and Patroclus open the door*

Patroclus: Hey, sorry we are late. We brought th-wait, where is everyone?

Achilles, chuckling: Don’t tell me we are actually early. Oh I am gonna-

Clytemnestra: KILL YOURSELF, YOU ASS!

Agamemnon: RIGHT BACK AT YOU SWEETIE!

(Incoherent Yelling)

Patroclus: What in the actual-

(Whispering) Menelaus: If you don’t get under here right now…

Achilles: Where are you, who was-

(Odysseus and Diomedes drag Achilles and Patroclus under the kitchen counter)

(Helen, Menelaus, Odysseus, Penelope, Diomedes, Hector, and Andromache are all hiding under the table)

Achilles: So why are we hiding under the table?

Diomedes: Do you not hear didgeridee and didgeridoo screaming and yelling like their chi-

Hector: Maybe we shouldn’t mention the “C” word right now.

Penelope: I swear if I never hear them argue again-

Helen: I need alcohol

Patroclus: Could someone-

Menelaus: Helen, no-

Patroclus: please tell us-

Helen: Alcohol, neow

Patroclus: Ok! Can someone explain what the fuck knuckles is going on with these two?

Odysseus: Of course darling. We found ourselves-

Diomedes: Ok, nope quick version. We came over for a house warning party, and in the middle of that-,

Odysseus: Cutting me off when I am trying speak. You know you can be a real bastard, right pet?

Diomedes: Bastard loves bastard, darling. Anyway, in the middle of that, Clytemnestra showed us a custom puzzle she made of their daughter. Very cute, very nice. Weirdly detailed. However Agamemnon has to be Agamemnon, and ruin good things in life. A tiktok account called ArtemisDares had a challenge to break something of your partners, something they loved to see their reaction. So Agamemnon made the asinine decision to break the puzzle she spent— how long did she say?

Penelope: She said “2 hours to find the perfect picture, 5 hours to put in her order because the commission site kept collapsing, and three days to put it together.” It was 2,000 pieces, and she was going to put it in a frame. I can’t even imagine..

Odysseus: Sweetheart, I-

Penelope: Yes I know you would never do that, you are leagues above him. We know this.

Diomedes: Do we?

Penelope: Not now darling. What can we do to-

*I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I MET YOU, YOU WHORE*

*IF I WAS EASY TO KILL, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY YOU FUCKING PUSSY*

*OH I AM GONNA-*

“COME AT ME BITCH*

*More incoherent screams, breaking of glass, grunts of pain*

Hector: We need to stop them before Iphigenia grows up without her parents.

Andromache: Right. You can go first baby. Tell us how that works out.

Helen: Sometimes I just want rip out Agamemnon’s vocal chords, and shove them down his ass.

Diomedes: A capital choice. Would you like help?

Odysseus/Penelope: No.

Hector: Ok, ok, but we have to do something before we have to talk to the police about-

Iphigenia: Aunty Pen, what is a va-vacuous moron?

Achilles: ……

Patroclus: …….

Diomedes: …….

Odysseus: ………

Penelope: …..

Hector: …….

Andromache: ……

Helen: ……

Menelaus:……

Achilles: Ah shit.

Menelaus: Oh come on, Achilles

Penelope: Honey, how about we talk…outside?

Iphigenia: Why? Mommy and Daddy loudly talking is normal. They turn on the tv for me and loudly talk. Sometimes they forget to turn it on and I hear everything.

Odysseus: Ice cream. That is the only way to fix this. And a good therapist. Let’s start with ice cream

Diomedes: Ok, everyone we have to time this perfectly. I think we aren’t in the mood for taking sides. Everyone good?

(The group nods)

Diomedes: Ok…wait…NOW!

Agamemnon: Oh look, Hector would you-

Clytemnestra: Shut up, Helen please tell him-

Odysseus:sorrywearekidnappingtyourchildbecauseyoubotharetoxictoeverybodybyeeeeeeeeeeeee

*They make it out the door*

Iphigenia: sooooo, what is a vacu-vaco-

Penelope: Let’s just get ice cream ok honey?

Diomedes: Can’t wait to do this shit next year.

Achilles: Another housewarming party? They just got this one.

Helen: They also get run out of every neighborhood they stay in due to the noise complaints. Two months, max.

Achilles:

Patroclus:

Helen: Welcome to the family.

[cranberryjuice-posts]

I’m abt to post a new clarisse FIC but I just wanted to go on a rant abt this

SPOILERS FOR PJO

Clarisse and silena Were in love. Ive already made a post abt thhis before but I wanna just like elaborate

- “Clarisse is in love with Chris and silena is in love with Charles beckendorf”

Yes that’s true but have you ever noticed how differently clarisse treats female characters vrs male characters. She softer and while still a bitch not an actually shitty person to characters like for example annabeth, silena and more, in the sea of monsters she was concerned for annabeth after she broke her ribs but in the next line insulted Percy.

She is also seen countless times being kinder to annabeth in multiple different scenes while still be harsh to other male characters. She gets ruthless in the war meeting in the final book and all she said is “I apologize to only silena” or something like that. When have we ever seen clarisse apologize than to silena

- “clarisse went into the labyrinth to find Chris she loved him”

Clarisse went into the labyrinth to find Chris, the only reason for this was because he showed up to her house in Arizona. She felt responsible to get him back from camp. She also helped nurse him back to sanity until Dionysius could help.

Clarisse felt responsible for Chris, that’s why and she can still love him platonically. That’s how I’ve always viewed their relationship was them being platonic.

- “silena and clarisse Were Just good friends that’s it”

Clarisse and silena Are direct parallels to Achilles and Patroclus, two characters in the Iliad who are very clearly lovers.

I Said it once I’ll say it again, Rick most likely didn’t think about making both girls the parallels to the myth until he was already writing the book. If he had decided on that way before I firmly believe he would of made them both together

But I would also like to add his books came out in the early 2000’s the last Olympian coming out in 2009 and queer represantion wasn’t as “common” as it is now. With Disney also being his publisher he was probably hesitant to even introduce a gay character in his books let alone two sapphic women.

Yes we started to see change for queer identies in the early 2000’s we also have to still think that again Disney is ricks publisher, even Disney didn’t really start being more accepting of LGBTQ+ identies until recently.

- “well if all that’s true why didn’t Rick just make them in love in the final book”

I Just explained why above but also he had already written their relationships out, silena and beckendorf in the demigod diaries or which ever one it was and clarisse and Chris in the battle of the labyrinth.

He can’t just go back and completely rewrite the cannon relationships he has set without it being weird.

——

In the end even actors like Dior who plays clarisse says that her character and silena will have a more sapphic relationship and with the show coming out now and with season 2 being announced, Rick having cannon gay characters a whole book about nico and will who are to young men in a relationship going through Tartarus, I belive Rick will make silena and clarisse have a more romantic relationship compared to the books.

Also we’re going to be seeing a lot of change anyways, Rick wrote these books YEARS ago and of course like any artist you will critique your old work. So again I hope we see a more developed and romantic relationship between silena and clarisse especially since Clarisse is very much a lesbian coded character

That’s it Ty for coming to my Ted talk 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

[ateezaligned]

How OnlyOneOf portrayed queer relationships and dynamics in libidO, w a hint of good ol’ yearning

(disclaimer: this strictly about the mv and in no way I’m implying these dynamics are translated to real life and their friendships if u suggest that ill kick you, don’t ship real ppl romantically pls)

The storyline of Instinct pt. 1 tell us this album is focused on self-discovery and how young people repress their “urges”, but the way all three subplots play with this concept is super fascinating!

The KB/Yoojung situation (which is my favorite subplot!!): From my point of view, Yoojung and KB show a relationship that is just blossoming. The song starts with tying up Yoojung’s hands, he is being contained, and his lyrics are literally “I’m attracted for no reason”, now I looked up other translations besides the original and it also has to do with being ‘pulled’, like Yoojung is being pulled into this relationship for ‘no reason’, he thinks he needs one to fall in love with another man. Rationalizing your feelings is a way to separate yourself from them. Therefore, Yoojung plays the more hesitant part, he overthinks, his super ego policing strongly what he feels.

On the other hand, KB is seen initiating most of the physical contact between them, and he does it in a way that makes it easy for Yoojung to pull back if he doesn’t want it. KB is also always at least an arm away, inside a comfortable space for Yoojung to reach for him if he wants to. In their first scene of close contact, Yoojung is the one laying his head on KB’s shoulder, and he keeps control of their closeness throughout the whole video, despite KB breaking it with the soft touches we see, such as fixing Yoojung’s hair or putting his hand on his shoulder in the beach scene. And all this gentle-ness contrasts so well, bc we also see KB’s character initiating contact with others! He pulls Junji for a hug when both of them are shirtless and he does it so nonchalantly! It’s obvious he is okay with /more/, but he respects Yoojung’s boundaries and never pushes.

The scooter scene is great, bc we can see Yoojung hugging and pressing their thighs and putting his hands in the air, he feels more carefree, he was able to get past his own inhibitions and it’s so great to see.

So Yoojung and KB's is like a first relationship: you are stepping on eggshells, you don’t know what you’re doing or looking for. A lot of queer people start dating into adulthood, and even with previous ‘straight’ dating experience, everything is so incredibly new! And it’s great but also anxiety inducing and frustrating.

Then, there’s Rie and Junji. A thing I found incredibly interesting is that in every scene of them (except two) they’re already in contact. In the car they’re holding hands, and when they’re hugging and eating lollipops, and back to back in the basketball court, we don’t know who started it, but it doesn’t matter because Junji and Rie are equals and stand on the same ground of mutual love, respect and experience, they’re having fun and smiling at one another, even when they’re playing basketball face to face, their eyes are on each other and its playful and great. Rie has one of the best lyrics in the song that is “I trust youand I accept it”. Junji and Rie don’t need to fight their instincts, really, because they know everything is reciprocated and their libido (not as in sexual drive but as in life energy) is matched in the other, they have trust over everything else, and this can also be shown in the only scene where Rie lays his head on Junji’s back, he’s supporting himself on his partner and Junji accepts it because relationships aren’t only fun but also healing and giving someone a place to rest. And Junji does his part and bandages Rie’s wounds, which @henlex pointed out as a Achilles and Patroclus reference, being these basically the top tier of gay love and companionship, when Patroclus died (represented by Rie), Achilles dies avenging him, asking for their ashes to be mixed so they could be forever one. So yeah, let’s yearn for something like this gays.

Finally, the trio. They’re the first ones to have their solo scenes, and you can see Love in the bathtub, he is naked and exposed, playing with some rosemary leaves (yeah I went to someone and asked them if they recognised the plant leave me alone). Rosemary used to be given to Aphrodite bc it was used as an aphrodisiac. It also represents fidelity. Yeah. So Love is playing with fidelity, basically. Many thoughts were thought.

Then, Nine and Mill are a continuous contrast throughout the mv. While Nine is inside and laying on the floor, cozy and reading, Mill stands outside in the garden looking at the window. I’ve said it before but I think it’s really important the way Mill’s character portrays one of the harsher parts of queerness that is that “other-ness”. You’re just an observant, and you want in and to be yourself with your friends and participate in those rituals, but something inside you doesn’t allow you to. In here, though, is not just ‘I want to identify with my straight friends’ but ‘I want to be free like these other gays, why can’t I do it?’.

Nine and Love’s relationship doesn’t really show a lot of romantic moments, in fact, I can’t really think about something between them that was, intimate and sensual? yes, but not romantic. Which is completely okay. Sex is not something bad, and gay sex is constantly demonized. Casual sex is okay and sex with friends and whatever, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, sex is okay. So to me, Love and Nine are friends, the arm around the neck seemed casual and natural, they’re comfortable with each other, and they’re also comfortable with mill, as shown in the creek scene. They didn’t mind the audience (yeah this sounds kinky ik), both nine and love are pushing the boundaries, unlike kb. But pushing isn’t always wrong, per se.

Nine starts with the lyrics “leave it, libido, we’re like roots (…) mixing together with no rules”, while Love sings “don’t suppress it just accept it”. Both nine and love are clear with their intentions and instincts, their subconscious is not their enemy in any way, since both of them accept the relationship they have.

Meanwhile, Mill battles with his libido, but it’s not like Yoojung who has a partner that actually loves him, if Mill takes the chance and jumps, he doesn’t know where he is going to land. In the whole video, not even once Mill touches someone else, even if he desperately wants to (Yongsoo did a great acting work I’m still so amazed!!). The yearning and pining over Love, who pulls him in and gazes at him, is such a good concept, because even if Love is giving him all the signals that there is (he is with another boy openly, allows close contact and shows himself in front of mill), Mill will still doubt himself and what he is doing. Hesitation and all, he takes a leap of faith in that one scene where he approaches Nine and Love, and keeps eye contact.

Now here is where the controversial crotch grabbing scene comes, and both Love and Nine sing. They say they’re walking over shallow water, so it’s not risky, they’re not gonna drown, and there’s no one around and they just “keep walking”. They do their thing with no care of what others may think. But also, Nine asks “what you need?” And “why can’t you see the light over there?” now, maybe after the whole no compromises he did catch feelings for Love, but Love, playing with fidelity as previously stated, answers “I’m gonna go where I feel like going”.

And then we have Mill’s rap. He talks about how this ‘experience’ can’t be compared to anything else but it’s an experiment. Now I know a thing or two about downplaying queer experiences, it isn’t unusual for gay ppl to look at things our younger selves did and think ‘how did I even passed as straight?’. Mill, even after saying it was just this experiment, says “you’re already putting a period, that doesn’t end things”. So, my guess, since after that we don’t see them directly interacting unlike the other couples, is that it all fell apart. Love, having the upper hand in the whole dynamic, didn’t have actual romantic feelings for any of the other boys, and he left them hanging.

While a bit heartbreaking, I think it’s important to point out that queer relationships are just like straight ones, and sometimes they end up in ruins, and it’s okay and its part of growing and discovering oneself!

So yeah, that’s my interpretation. This is like 1500 words. A whole essay. Hyperfixation is a bitch. I need a girlfriend.

[gabtapia]

Warning extra long ask lmao:

The last three chapters broke me. 😭😭😭

But the worse thing was reading first two paragraphs of ch 31 and having it go from Patroclus’s narrative to third person narrative because Patroclus is dead so he can’t tell the story anymore 🥺🥺😭

I have so much to say so i’m gonna use quotes to help:

“A prophecy,” she said. “That the best of the Myrmidons will die before two more years have passed.”

She draws down the blanket, releasing me into the air. She cups my face in her hands. “Be careful tomorrow,” she says. “Best of men. Best of the Myrmidons.” She places her fingers to my lips, stopping my objection. “It is truth,” she says. “Let it stand, for once.” Then she leads me to the side of her tent, helps me slip beneath the canvas. The last thing I feel is her hand, squeezing mine in farewell.

No. My hands flurry in the air like startled birds, trying to halt the spear’s relentless movement towards my belly. But I am weak as a baby against Hector’s strength, and my palms give way, unspooling in ribbons of red. The spearhead submerges in a sear of pain so great that my breath stops, a boil of agony that bursts over my whole stomach. My head drops back against the ground, and the last image I see is of Hector, leaning seriously over me, twisting his spear inside me as if he is stirring a pot. The last thing I think is: Achilles.

WHY??? Why does Patroclus have to be the person of the prophecy. They made it pretty obvious that it was him but my God actually reading it I-

Calm down Chiara. Say this properly.

WAIT NO THERE IS NO WAY TO SAY THS PROPERLY PARTOCLUS IS DEAD 😭 AND THE FEW PARTS WHERE ACHILLES DOESN’T KNOW HE’S DEAD YET MY GOD I JUST STARTED BAWLING IT HURT TOO MUCH

HIS GRIEF AFTER PATROCLUS DIES IS JUST SO RAW I COULD LTERALLY IMAGNINE PATROCLUS IN THE TENT AND ACHILLES CRYING OVER HIS BODY AND MY HEART-

But he cannot feel it. There is a numbness in him. The writhing field is like a gorgon’s face, turning him slowly to stone. The snakes twist and twist before him, gathering into a dark knot at the base of Troy. A king has fallen, or a prince, and they are fighting for the body. Who? He shields his eyes, but no more is revealed. Patroclus will be able to tell him.

HE SEES THE THING IN PIECES. Men, coming down the beach towards the camp. Odysseus, limping beside the other kings. Menelaus has something in his arms. A grass-stained foot hangs loose. Locks of tousled hair have slipped from the makeshift shroud. The numbness now is merciful. A last few moments of it. Then, the fall.

He snatches for his sword to slash his throat. It is only when his hand comes up empty that he remembers: he gave the sword to me. Then Antilochus is seizing his wrists, and the men are all talking. All he can see is the bloodstained cloth. With a roar he throws Antilochus from him, knocks down Menelaus. He falls on the body. The knowledge rushes up in him, choking off breath. A scream comes, tearing its way out. And then another, and another. He seizes his hair in his hands and yanks it from his head. Golden strands fall onto the bloody corpse. Patroclus, he says, Patroclus. Patroclus. Over and over until it is sound only. Somewhere Odysseus is kneeling, urging food and drink. A fierce red rage comes, and he almost kills him there. But he would have to let go of me. He cannot. He holds me so tightly I can feel the faint beat of his chest, like the wings of a moth. An echo, the last bit of spirit still tethered to my body. A torment.

I’M MAD AT BOTH OF THEM FOR BEING STUPID IDOITS FOR ACHILLES NOT LETTING HIS PRIDE GO AND FOR PATROCLUS FUCKING GETTING HIMSELF KILLED BUT I CAN’T EVEN STAY MAD AT THEM BECUASE HELL THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND THEY DIDN’T DESERVE ANY OF IT

And then Pyrrhus? I want to kill the asshole:

“When I am dead, I charge you to mingle our ashes and bury us together.”

There's is a slight pause. “Your father and his companion. Patroclus.” “And why should this man be buried beside Aristos Achaion?” The air is thick. They are all waiting to hear Menelaus’ answer. “It was your father’s wish, Prince Neoptolemus, that their ashes be placed together. We cannot bury one without the other.” Pyrrhus lifts his sharp chin. “A slave has no place in his master’s tomb. If the ashes are together, it cannot be undone, but I will not allow my father’s fame to be diminished. The monument is for him, alone.” Do not let it be so. Do not leave me here without him. The kings exchange glances. “Very well,” Agamemnon says. “It shall be as you say.” I am air and thought and can do nothing.

Pyrrhus’ hand closes on the shapeless, blowing dress of the princess Polyxena and yanks her towards the altar. “This is what my father’s soul deserves.” He will not. He dare not. As if in answer, Pyrrhus smiles. “Achilles is pleased,” he says, and tears open her throat. I can taste it still, the gush of salt and iron. It seeped into the grass where we are buried, and choked me. The dead are supposed to crave blood, but not like this. Not like this.

And then the way Achilles just becomes a cold killer after Patroclus dies reading that part felt so bad because it wasn’t Achilles anymore and i was so glad when he died. But then Patroclus didn’t get a proper bury and i freaked because why??? I thought the book might end with him not being reunited with Achilles in the underworld and i had another good cry because seriously that would be the most unfair thing. I was so, so, so happy when Thetis wrote his name.

So basically i’m not okay right now and ever time i think about them before the war happen my eyes fill with tears because they were just so happy and innocent and in love and it hurts to think of what happened during the war. I’m glad i read this book thought, but i know the pain wont go away for a while watch me punish myself by reading all the fluffy scenes 😭

@in-love-with-themoon did you finish yet? I realize i may be spoiling for you, sorry about that! 😅 tell me if your finished the book! And i will send you bunches and bunches of tissues

Sending you lots of love, hugs, ice cream, and tissues!! 💙

I swear I had to take a break after reading that book

The last 3 chapters are just pain

Tbh I was crying since they said goodbye to Chiron because Achilles told him that they were going to come back in a few days and I was like nope you are not and even Chiron knew they weren't coming back 😭😭😭

Since the prophecy said that "the best of myrmidons" I was like fuck is Patroclus and this is bad

The scene that broke me was when Patroclus said that they didn't say the words (I love you) because they would have more time to say them, like in the night when they talk about their day and I was like please tell him 😭😭😭😭😭

THE MOST PAINFUL THING IS THAT EVEN WHEN PATROCLUS KNEW HE WAS GONNA DIE, HE TRIED TO STOPPED HECTOR BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT IF HECTOR KILLED HIM, ACHILLES WOULD KILLED HECTOR AND THE ACHILLES WOULD DIE AND HE DIDN'T WANT THAT 😭😭

AND OMG I WAS SO MAD WITH THEM, WITH ACHILLES FOR BEING SO STUBBORN AND WITH PATROCLUS FOR FIGHTING EVEN WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE!!! 😭

YES I KNOW WHEN ACHILLES IS SURE THAT PATROCLUS IS GONNA COME BACK AND EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE, BUT WE KNOW THAT HE IS ALREADY DEAD 😭😭😭😭

ACHILLES GRIEVE BROKE ME HOW HE DIDN'T WANT TO SEPARATE FROM THE BODY AND HOW HE JUST WANTED TO KILL HECTOR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

AND I WAS CRYING MY EYES OUT WHEN HECTOR'S FATHER TALKED WITH ACHILLES AND TOLD HIM THAT THEY SHOULD LET THE DEAD REST, AND ONLY AFTER THAT ACHILLE AGREED TO BURN THE BODY 😭😭😭

WHEN ACHILLES DIED WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THAT FINALLY HE COULD BE REUNITED WITH PATROCLUS 😭😭😭

Don't let me get started with Pyrrhus I hate that jerk so much I was happy when thetis said he was dead!, When he was taking decisions on his father's name I was like stfu you don't even know him!!

And for real I thought they would never be reunited and that Patroclus' soul would be strand in the living world forever I was crying but then thetis appeared and for once in the whole book she wasn't a bitch!

Yes before the war they would never imagine what the fate had for them and it's so sad because they just wanted to love each other, and their love was so beautiful and I love their communication because no matter how bad the things were they always tell the truth to the other 😭😭😭

Believe me I already reread their fluffy scenes and it's never enough! 😭

I'm glad you enjoy the book too, even when it left us with a void in the heart!!

[mikeshanlon]

Happy Pride! .... Like... more than halfway through the month lmao sorry, better late than never ig! I’ve compiled a list of some of my fave LGBT+ books, as well as a few I’m planning to read for pride/in the near future. Please feel free to reblog and add some of your own recs, especially for the sexual and gender identities that are lacking in my list!!!!!

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz: This beautiful, wholesome coming of age novel is pretty popular on tumblr and with good reason! It’s set in the 1980′s and follows Aristotle, aka "Ari”, as he grows up an tackles with his identity-- he feels like his story is written by someone else, that his path is not up to his control. Whether this is due to his complex relationship with his family, or societal expectations/stereotypes of Latinx men, or the fact that maybe his friendship with Dante might be more than that, and that kinda terrifies him. (Rep: Gay, Latinx, (I believe this is own voices) Warnings: it’s been a minute since i’ve read this but i believe some racism, internalized homophobia, and an instance of violent transphobia)

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: LGKNLKNGRG okay this is truly one of my favorite books of the year so far and part of the whole reason i wanted to make this. This is a New Adult Contemporary romance set in sort of a like... parallel America where a woman won the presidential election. We follow The First Son, Alex Claremont-Diaz, who’s charming, smart ass, genius icon. Him, his sister June, and their best friend Nora are easily marketable and loved by the public for the most part, but when Alex and his rival Prince Henry of England get into a public spat at a Royal Wedding, Alex and Henry must pretend to be friends to patch up relations and public image for his mother’s re-election campaign. Eventually their fake friendship turns real, and then becomes more as they get to know each other, Alex and Henry begin a secret romance that we follow over the course of the re-election year. This book is fucking HILARIOUS (like I have so many tabs for funny moments and i was trying to be restrained), but it’s just so. Like full of love and hope and it’s so beautiful???? It’s definitely political escapism from our current situation in America but still deals with current issues such as racism and homopboia, etc, but gives the reader hope for future progress. Alex and Henry’s relationship is so fun, and sexy, and beautiful and the friendships are so iconic and Alex’s journey with sexuality is... chefs kiss. Also like. Casey McQuiston mentioned that she listened to Texas Reznikoff by Mitski a lot while writing this in the acknowledgments so. what more do you need... (Rep: Bisexual (Own Voices), Gay, Biracial-- Mexican/White (Own Voices), Warnings: Racism, homophobia, mentions of a past sexual harrassment/assault. Since this is a New Adult, there are smut scenes. I wouldn’t say it’s like. Super explicit or anything but there is sex, though it’s often during Important Moments of their relationships so it doesn’t feel like p*rn-- again the sex is happening but its not in hella explicit detail or anything or for the same goal as say an erotica. P much proceed with caution if it’s not ur thing but it’s not too wild!)

Blanca y Roja by Anna-Marie McLemore: This is sort of a Snow White/Rose Red and Ugly Duckling retelling following two sisters, Blanca and Roja, who’s family curse destines that one of the sisters will be trapped into a swan’s body, never to be seen again. (So this is magical realism lmao). We also follow two boys, Page and Yearling, who were wrapped up in the magic of the nearby woods, but have returned to society. Page is a gender queer trans male, and his whole arc that was so beautiful and made me cry, but in a good way (also warning that I’m cis so like. I would love to hear what gender queer trans individuals think about the rep in this book bc I cannot really attest to it.) This book is really about sisterly love and love in general, with all the complexities that come with it. (also wlw grandma’s who grow apple’s it’s p iconic) (Rep: Latinx-- colorism plays a huge role in the story as well (Own Voices), Gender Queer Trans, Queer (Own Voices) Warnings: Some transphobia, racism, and abuse). (I believe most of Anna-Marie McLemore’s books are magical realism and have some Latinx and queer elements to them as well)

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller: god..... This (gay ass) novelization of The Illiad is just so tragically romantic and beautiful... We follow Achilles and Patroclus as they grow up and grow closer, and eventually fight the Trojan War. There are so many beautiful quotes and scenes but like. You will most likely cry so keep that in mind eklrgerg. (Rep: Gay Warnings: Violence, there’s like..... a weird r*pe/homophobic scene)

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: YA Fantasy set in a world where there are three castes: Moon-- the highest caste, demons with animalistic features in a humanoid form, Steel-- humans with part demon physical features and abilities, and Paper-- fully human, the lowest caste. We follow our protaganist Lei, who despite being a Paper caste, has beautiful golden glowing eyes that end up garnering attention from the Demon King. She’s stolen from her home and forced to join The Paper Girls-- a group of paper caste concubines in training at the palace. As she tries to find a way to escape, she ends up falling for one of the other paper girls, Wren, who might be just the key to freedom. I love Lei and Wren’s relationship and I’m excited to see it play out in the sequel! (which i believe ngan said will introduce more LGBT characters) (Rep: Asian (Own Voices), WLW (I believe this is Own Voices as well). Warnings: As their role as concubines suggest, a large part of this book revolves around the patriarchy using women for power and sexual assualt/rape. There are no explicit rape scenes-- though they do occur ‘off screen’, however there are a couple attempted sexual assault scenes that I believe could be p triggering. This book is also largely about the Paper Girls taking back their power, and I don’t believe these scenes are done for shock value, however please proceed with caution. Subsequently, sexist and patriarchial views are present within the authority, though shunned by Lei, however there’s a lot of internalized sexism and objectification among some of the other Paper Girls.)

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell: I probably don’t have to talk about this one much since it’s super popular, but in what is like essentially Harry Potter but like gay and wholesome, we follow Simon Snow, the Chosen One who’s actually not that good at magic, his best friend Penelope, and his roommate and arch nemesis that’s totally a vampire but won’t admit it, Baz. (Except Baz is, like, totally in love with Simon and Simon’s just too dumb and wrapped up in his own shit to realize it). Truly just,... an iconic enemies to friends to lovers story that unfolds as the three of them try to uncover a mystery surrounding Baz’s late mother. Ik some people have found it confusing bc it’s sort of like starting the Harry Potter story off at book 7 and only getting some background info along the way but honestly I really enjoyed that lmao. Also there’s a sequel coming out this fall, Wayward Son. (Rep: Gay, Some POC rep. Warnings: not rlly any i dont think??? There’s  like. some Homophobia lmao bc we can’t have a gay book without it.)

Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins: This is a cute YA contemporary following Millie Quint who, post being cheated on by her best friend and wanting to have a fresh start, flies to Scotland to finish off her senior year at her Dream prestigous boarding school, joining a handful of other girls as the first female class in the institution’s history. Plus like. Cool Rocks and Scotland. Only problem is that her roomate is sort of a bitch and also the Princess of Scotland who she totally just told off. So yeah yet another royal gay enemies to friends to lovers with a dash of and they were roomates LMAO. This book could be like.... a bit cheesy and rushed but overall it was cute and like...... The Cover.... (Rep: Bisexual, Lesbian, Warnings: Some homophobia. Also this is a companion novel to Prince Charming but you don’t have to read that first, there’s just some references to the couple in that book as the Prince is well.... The Princess’ brother and where they end up so if you don’t wanna be spoiled read that first ig!)

The Devouring Gray by Christine Lynn Herman: I talked about this some in this post, but I feel like I did kinda a shitty job so. A YA fantasy/paranormal series about the descendant’s of the town’s four founding families-- Violet Saunders, Justin Hawthorne, Harper Carlisle, and Isaac Sullivan (the most iconic one). The latter three have lived in Four Paths their whole lives, protecting the town from The Gray-- p much the Upside Down from Stranger Things lmao, using powers specific to each of their families. Violet and her mother move back after Violet’s sister died in a car accident, and she’s thrust into helping save the town as the Gray grows more restless and having to uncover the secrets of her family as well as all the history brewing between the other three. The Stranger Things and Riverdale comparisons are p valid, (but like. Riverdale in the sense of small town secrets and a bunch of tense history that the kids don’t really understand and must uncover, and some like love triangle but..... not Rlly Love triangles just a mess of ppl being like oh shit i like this person and this person.... Bisexual Chaos if u will... not like. The I’m cuckoo bananas for u let’s go get high and play dungeons and dragons and smash in a bunker LRGKJRLKGJ), the Raven Cycle comparison’s are kind of a stretch, I can see the abstract comparison’s if i squint but like. Don’t go into this expecting TRC lmao. I really enjoyed the theme of grief throughout this book and seeing the powers unfold (and one of the dynamics a lot) and while not perfect the series has a lot of potential and like. Bisexuals. So. (Rep: Bisexual (two mc’s are bi and say the word!!!!!!!! As well as some secondary characters), Disabled (one of the mc’s is missing one arm from the elbow down). Warnings: Grief, Violence)

The Gentlemen’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee: Also talked about this in this post and did a better job there, but to sum it up it’s essentially a friends to lovers, bed sharing, road trip au with a dash of magic but set in the 1700′s! There’s also a sequel/companion, The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy that I have yet to read but it follows Monty’s sister, Felicity, and I believe goes more in depth with her identity. (Rep: Gay, Black, Disabled, Aromantic, Asexual, Warnings: Period typical homophobia/biphobia, racism, ableism, sexism)

Simon vs. The Homosapien’s Agenda by Becky Albertalli: Like. I don’t think i really have to explain this one LRKGJJRG but added it just in case. YA contemporary following Simon as he e-mails another gay student at his school and falls in love. (Rep: Gay, Black, Jewish, Warnings: Homophobia)

All For the Game Trilogy (The Foxhole Court, The Raven King, The King’s Men) by Nora Sakavic: If y’all have been on my blog at all you know i’m back in aftg hyperfixation mode after another reread lmao. Is it a lil messy is it a lil dramatic... yes. but i love it!!! We follow our protagonist Neil Josten, who’s been on the run from his crime lord father, The Butcher of Baltimore, since he was young. After his mother dies on the run, Neil finds a new place and adopts yet another identity, and ends up playing high school exy (a made up sport but like we’re barely here for the sports lmao), something he used to play as a child. Despite playing a new position, he attracts the attention of the PSU Foxes, who’s coach David Wymack specifically recruits players with a troubled past to give them a second chance. Neil really shouldn’t sign-- it goes against everything his mother told him, it puts him at risk of being in the spotlight for his father’s men to find him, and puts him on the same team as Kevin Day, someone from his past that knows his true identity. Still, something draws Neil to joining the team, to finally try to live instead of just survive. UGHHHH like truly this book just makes u fall in love with all the characters and the beautiful and broken found family that develops over three books and one of the most iconic and amazing (ha....) slowburn relationships ever.... Also if i recall they’re super cheap on iBooks (at least when i bought them, the first book was free and the other two were $1.99). (Rep: Gay, Demisexual, POC, Warnings: MAJOR trigger warnings for like. everything bc all the foxes have fucked up pasts. But the biggest ones are probably rape, abuse/torture, and substance abuse)

Six of Crows Duology (Six of Crows, Crooked Kingdom) by Leigh Bardugo: Idk how much I really have to talk about this bc it’s popular but I am physically unably not to reccomend this duology bc its just. So. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The most barebones summary is that this is a YA Fantasy about six people coming together to perform an impossible heist. This is truly like...... a masterclass in developing characters and has one of the best m/f ships i’ve ever read... But also since it’s on here there is some gay shit going on, 3/6 mains are Not Straight and there’s a cute m/m couple! Also you don’t have to read the Grisha Trilogy to read this but u can if u want (I have yet to). (Rep: Bisexual, Gay, Disabled, POC, Warnings: Again these ppl have fucked up pasts, biggest are PTSD, past sexual abuse)

The Raven Cycle Series (The Raven Boys, The Dream Theives, Blue Lily Lily Blue, The Raven King) by Maggie Steifvater: Again i don’t think I really have to explain this one but like. In case you haven’t read this series it’s truly iconic..... Idk even how to explain this LKGJLJRG just like magical realism wonderfulness and found family and amazing relationships and shit.... (Rep: Gay, Bisexual, Disabled, Warnings: Abuse)

The following are books I plan to read for pride/in the near future. I can’t wholeheartedly reccomend them obviously, or fully detail all the rep/warnings, but I’ve heard some great things about these books and a lot of them have representation that the first part of the list is lacking, so I figured I would add them! (Also if I use ‘queer’ that’s because that’s the only label I have been given by the authors or reviewers, or the characters identify as queer)

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman: To my knowledge this is a really emotional YA coming of age/college story that has to do with like. A podcast? Idk a lot of people love it and side note I’ll be suing B&N bc they NEVER have it relkj (Rep: Bisexual, Demisexual, I belive Latinx.)

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand: I believe this is a YA horror-ish novel where there’s a monster stealing girls on and island. (Rep: I believe all three main girls are queer Warnings: Since this is horror im assuming. Horror stuff LMAO)

I Wish You all The Best by Mason Deaver: A YA contemporary romance about Ben who comes out as non-binary to their parents and gets kicked out, and moves in with their estranged sister. They soon are taken under the wing of a senior named Nathan Allan and begin to fall. (Rep: Non-Binary (Own Voices), MLM/Queer, Black (im assuming from the gorgeous cover lmao. Warnings: Misgendering, homophobia, anxiety, depression)

Summer of Salt by Katrina Leno: YA Magical Realism about Georgina, who has yet to inherit the magical powers that have been passed down her family, including her twin sister Mary who, unlike Georgina, is coming into her powers. (Rep: Lesbian, Queer, Aro/Ace, Warnings: Rape and sexual assault, underage drinking, animal death, drug use.)

[springawakeningmovieideas]

Act 1, Scene 2

Int. School- Morning

School. The Boys sit upright at their desks, reciting from Virgil's Aeneid. They stand, one after the other, for their recitation. Herr Sonnenstich walks the aisles beside them, listening.

The BOYS sit at desks, MELCHIOR and MORITZ, OTTO and HANSCHEN, ERNST and GEORG. Other students, ANGELIKA and SABINE, KARIN and SUSANNE, MARION and INGRID sit at desks, too. HERR SONNENSTICH is at the teacher’s desk, pointing at the board. The camera zooms in at each of them when they speak.

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

Again.

OTTO (Mid-recitation):

 ... vi superum saevae memorem Iunonis ob iram …

HERR SONNENSTICH ("Well done"): 

Better, Herr Lammermeier. Continue, Herr Zirschnitz.

GEORG:

 ... multa quoque et bello passus, dum conderet urbem.

HERR SONNENSTICH:

 Herr Rilow. From the beginning.

HANSCHEN: 

Arma virumque cano, Troiae qui primus ab oris

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

Herr Robel. And …

ERNST: 

.. Italiam, fato profugus, Laviniaque venit litora

HERR SONNENSTICH:

 Herr Stiefel. 

MORITZ is fast asleep at his desk.

Herr Stiefel.

EVERYONE is looking at him. MORITZ wakes up, slowly.

MORITZ:

 Sir? …

HERR SONNENSTlCH: 

Continue. Please. 

(He hesitates) 

Herr Stiefel …

MORITZ (Haltingly): 

.. Laviniaque venit …

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

Yes ... ?

MORITZ:

 .. litora ... multum enim

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

"Multum enim"?

MORITZ (Taking another stab at it):

.. multum olim

HERR SONNENSTICH (Losing patience):

 "Olim"?! "Multum olim" ... ?! So then, somehow the Pious Aeneas has "already" suffered much "in the days still to come" ... ? 

(No response.) 

Herr Stiefel? 

(No response.) 

Do you have any idea what you're saying, Herr Stiefel? 

MORITZ is too mortified to respond. MELCHIOR rises.

MELCHIOR:

 If you please!

HERR SONNENSTICH:

 Pardon me?

MELCHIOR (Covering gracefully): 

If you please, Herr Sonnenstich ... can't we at least consider "multum olim" as a plausible conjecture for how the text might read?

HERR SONNENSTICH:

 Herr Gabor. We are hardly here today to conjecture about textual conjectures. The boy has made an error.

MELCHIOR: 

Yes. But an understandable error, sir. Indeed, if we could only entertain the fitness of the conjecture-

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

"Multum olim"?!

MELCHIOR: 

Look to the fresh rhetorical balance-"multum olim" introducing "multa quoque" -a parallel, sir, between what Aeneas has already suffered in war and those sufferings on land and sea just ahead.

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

Herr Gabor, since the days of Servius, Aulus Gellius, and Claudius Donatus-nay, since the moment of Virgil's death-our world has been littered with more than sufficient critical commentary on textual conjecture.

MELCHIOR: 

With all respect, sir, are you then suggesting there is no further room for critical thought or interpretation? Why, indeed, then, do we even-

HERR SONNENSTICH strikes MELCHIOR across the knuckles with a ruler.

HERR SONNENSTICH: I am suggesting no such thing. I am confirming that Herr Stiefel has made an error. And I am asking-nay, demanding-that

you amend his faulty text and proceed from there. Do I make myself clear? 

MELCHIOR’S jaw locks.

 Herr Gabor? 

No response. He strikes MELCHIOR more forcefully.

Herr Gabor, do I make myself clear?

MELCHIOR: 

Yes, Herr Sonnenstich: "litora multum ille."

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

All of you-together with Melchior Gabor: "Laviniaque venit ... "

CHILDREN:

 ... litora, multum ille et terris iactatus et alto vi superum saevae memorem Iunonis ob …

The CHILDREN’S recitation grows louder, more insistent, more numbing-as if somehow we were entering into MELCHIOR'S psychic experience of it. A bit of contemporary, electronic music drifts through. Shimmering song light finds MELCHIOR. He turns out and sings-like a rocker in concert:

MELCHIOR:

All that's known

In History, in Science,

Overthrown

At school, at home,

by blind men.

You doubt them, 

And soon they bark

and hound you 

Till everything you say 

is just another bad

about you.

All they say

Is, "Trust in What Is 

Written."

Wars are made, 

And somehow that is wisdom.

Thought is suspect,

And money is their idol,

And nothing is okay unless it's scripted in their Bible.

But I know

There's so much more to find just

in looking through myself, and not at them.

Still, I know

To trust my own true mind,

And to say: "There's a way through this . .. "

MELCHIOR begins to walk through the aisles of desks.

On I go,

To wonder and to learning 

Name the stars and know their dark returning.

I'm calling,

To know the world's true yearning-

The hunger that a child feels for everything they're shown.

You watch me

Just watch me,

I'm calling,

And one day all will know

You watch me

Just watch me,

I'm calling,

I'm calling,

And one day all will know

The song concludes. As he rejoins the CHILDREN in their recitation, the lights shift back to the classroom.

CHILDREN: 

... multa quoque et bello passus, dum conderet urbem …

HERR SONNENSTICH (Onto fresh matters): 

Thank you, gentlemen. Now, if you please: "inferretque deos Latio ... " The following seven lines of Pious Aeneas' journey. From memory.

The CHILDREN begin scribbling. HERR SONNENSTICH steps away. MORITZ taps MELCHIOR shoulder.

MORITZ (whispering): 

Melchi, thank you.

MELCHIOR: 

It's nothing.

MORITZ: 

Still, I'm sorry. You didn't need to-

MELCHIOR ("Not to worry"; ironic): 

Think what Aeneas suffered.

MORITZ: 

But I should have known it. "Multum ille." It's just ... I didn't sleep all night. In fact, I, uh, suffered a visit from the most horrific, dark phantasm …

MELCHIOR: 

You mean a dream?

MORITZ: 

A nightmare, really. Legs in sky blue stockings, climbing over the lecture podium.

MELCHIOR: 

Oh. That kind of dream.

MORITZ (nodding): 

Have you ever suffered such ... mortifying visions?

MELCHIOR: 

Moritz, of course. We all have. Otto Lammermeier dreamt about his mother.

MORITZ: Really?!!

MELCHIOR: 

Georg Zirschnitz? Dreamt he was seduced by his piano teacher.

MORITZ: 

Fräulein Grossebustenhalter?!

HERR SONNENSTICH grabs MORITZ by the arm, hoisting him up.

HERR SONNENSTICH: 

Moritz Stiefel. I need hardly remind you that, of all our pupils, you are in no position to be taking liberties. I will

not warn you again.

MORITZ nods-absolutely petrified. An intense alt-rock guitar riff, HERR SONNENSTICH freezes. The world around MORITZ comes to a halt as concert-like light finds him. He turns out in song.

MORITZ:

God, I dreamed there was an angel, 

who could hear me through the waII,

As I cried out-like, in Latin

"This is so not life at all.

Help me out-out-of this nightmare." 

Then I heard her silver call

She said: "just give it time, kid. 

I come to one and all."

MORITZ climbs onto his desk.

She said: "Give me that hand, please,

and the itch you can't control,

Let me teach you how to handle

all the sadness in your soul.

Oh, we'll work that silver magic, 

then we'll aim it at the wall."

She said: "Love may make you blind, kid

but I wouldn't mind at all."

The other BOYS (except MELCHIOR) stand up, slamming their hands on the desks and joining MORITZ. OTTO jumps on his desk.

MORITZ AND BOYS:

It's the bitch of living

With nothing but your hand.

Just the bitch of living

As someone you can't stand

MORITZ and OTTO get down and GEORG gets up, while MORITZ and the BOYS pick up and slam down the chairs to the beat.

GEORG:

See, each night, it's, like, fantastic

tossing, turning, without rest,

'Cause my day's at the piano

with my teacher and her breasts;

And the music's, like, the one thing 

I can even get at all,

And those breasts! I mean, 

God, please, just let those apples fall . ..

BOYS:

It's the bitch of living

With nothing going on.

Just the bitch of living,

Asking: "What went wrong?"

Do they think we want this?

Oh-who knows?

Int. Locker Room - Afternoon

The scene switches to the boy’s locker room. ERNST is in the shower, looking down.

ERNST:

See, there's showering in gym class . ..

HANSCHEN is getting dressed. He catches a glimpse of BOBBY, a boy a year older. 

HANSCHEN:

Bobby Maler, he's the best

Looks so nasty in those khakis

ERNST:

God, my whole life's, like, some test.

OTTO walks into the gym to see ANNA, hurling a dodgeball into OTTO’s stomach.

OTTO:

Then there's Marianna Wheelan-as if she'd return my call.

HASNCHEN walks out and playfully punches OTTO.

HANSCHEN:

It's like, just kiss some ass, man-

then you can screw 'em all.

MELCHIOR walks out of the locker room.

MELCHIOR:

It's the bitch of living,

And living in your head

It's the bitch of living,

And sensing God is dead.

The GIRLS run out of the locker room, starting to pick up balls and throw them.

BOYS and GIRLS: 

It’s the bitch of living

And getting what you get-

It’s the bitch of living

and knowing this is it

God, is this it?

This can't be it.

Oh God, what a bitch!

The CHILDREN drop the balls as the bell rings. 

FRAU SHAFER: 

Kids, hit the showers and grab your bags. I’ll see you tomorrow.

OTTO: 

Well, I'm off.

ERNST: 

Me, too.

HANSCHEN: 

I'll walk with you, Ernst.

ERNST pauses, turns back.

ERNST: 

You will?

HANSCHEN: 

We'll huddle over the Homer. Maybe do a little Achilles and Patroclus.

GEORG: 

Melchior, Moritz.

MELCHIOR: Home to Bach? 

GEORG: 

Fraulein Grossebustenhalter will not be kept waiting.

GEORG shivers involuntarily, and goes.

MORITZ: 

Ach, Melchi! Sixty lines of Homer, all those quadratic equations ... I'll be up all night again, haunted by another of those ... dreams. And still I won't get through it.

MELCHIOR: 

Oh, yes. Your dream.

MORITZ: 

Melchi, why-why-am I haunted by the legs of a woman? By the deepening conviction: some dark part of my destiny may lie there between them?

MELCHIOR: 

All right then. I'll tell you. I got it out of books. But prepare yourself: it made an atheist out of me. 

(A beat.) 

So-

MORITZ: 

No no-not here! I can't talk it! No-do me a favor: write it down. All of it. Put it in my bag-after lunch-tomorrow. 

(A beat.) 

If you like, you could add some illustrations in the margins. 

(A beat.)

MELCHIOR: 

Top to bottom?

MORITZ: 

Everything.

PRINCIPAL KNOCKENBRUCH and another teacher, FRAULINE KNUPPLEDICK, stroll past the gym and pause.

HERR KNOCHENBRUCH: 

Unfathomable. Fraulein Knuppeldick.

FRAULEIN KNUPPELDICK: 

Herr Knochenbruch-

HERR KNOCHENBRUCH: 

Look at that. Melchior Gabor, a young man of distinct intellectual capability-

FRAULEIN KNUPPELDICK: 

Thoroughly distinct.

HERR KNOCHENBRUCH: 

A young man who could be our top student-

FRAULEIN KNUPPELDICK: 

Top, Herr Knochenbruch.

HERR KNOCHENBRUCH: 

But there he is, polluting himself, cavorting about with that, that …

FRAULEIN KNUPPELDICK: 

Hysterical imbecile, Moritz Stiefel?

HERR KNOCHENBRUCH: 

Thank Heavens we can only pass sixty.

[the-flavour-of-life]

Dear Achilles, I don’t know how it happened. I don’t remember how I fell for you. I was always so goal-oriented and cared only about my family. Had many acquaintances but no friends. Sometimes I did feel alone, but I thought as long as I have my family, my home and my dreams and ambition I didn’t need anything else in Life. Not Love. Not Friendship. Not Anything. So, when did things change? When did I fall in love with you? You were just one of those many faces in crowd I saw everyday in college. We were never friends. We did talk a few times but I didn’t feel anything for you then. It was only later that I realized that your first impression of me was of a nasty homophobic bitch! (which I was btw, naive and stupid and foolish and conditioned to think in a certain way...) My first significant memory of you was in the second semester in hostel common room, where I confided in you about my suicidal ideations and thoughts about self-harm. You were the first person I had ever confessed this to and I don’t know why. You said it’s common among people and you have seen few of your friends go through that. Your response wasn’t helpful or supportive or anything distinguished at all. But strangely, I felt warm inside. I felt a strange sense of relief after confiding in you which I had never felt before. And I will never forget that. We spent more time during our postgrad days. I enjoyed talking to you a lot when you came exploring our hostel campuses and I was so excited when you came to live nearby. It was then that I actually got to know you. Those days in your hostel room, hours of talking about everything in Life. I didn’t think of it much before but in hindsight, I think I always looked forward to those conversations. Hell I miss them so much now. It was all bitching about classes and  our university at first, all about literature, texts we had and hadn’t read. But with you, how can we ever avoid Songs!!! And then it was all about angsty music, movies, and stories of our lives and everything and anything...

I used to whine and cry about the uncertainties of future so much. It was one such evening, when you asked me if I wanted a smoke. I didn’t understand you at first. Coming from a conservative family, who considers alcohol, smoking and pre-marital sex as the three most heinous sins that a person can commit in their lives, I was horrified at the idea. That is until I started to actually consider it. I know you think it was a bad idea on your part but I think that’s one of the most essential and formative event that helped shape who I am today.  I managed to break the chains that were holding me prisoner since ages. Those invisible shackles that restrained me from myself, from life itself. You helped me destroy those bonds. I finally felt free. You taught me how to smoke and I was so bad at it. Then, I started spending evenings in your room,smoking and listening to ‘Cigarettes after Sex’ and hell lot of your weird songs, exchanging our tastes in music though I didn’t have much to offer. I especially enjoyed your obsession with The Smiths and Hozier, and it made me look at you in a new way. This wasn’t the kinda music I liked but they somehow made me curious about you. I found myself trying to figure out “Who you are” and What made you the way you are. After all, they do say that, “ You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their playlist”.  And then there were the walks. The long evening walks we went on. Those walks became the most essential and the most anticipated part of my day. If you know me at all then, you know how I hate any sort of physical exercise. But I didn’t mind walking for hours with you, talking about life, sharing our memories and pasts, sharing our thoughts. It was beautiful. These walks were magical for me and they mean so much to me. I would do anything in the world to be able to share these walks and these conversations with you again. Because these were the moments that made me feel “most alive”.

Then, came the dark days where I made both of our lives miserable. You were already going through so much back then and instead of helping you out, I made it worse for you. I made you see and tolerate horrible things for me. Things I can never apologise enough for and things I can never forgive myself for. I am really sorry for putting you through all of that. If I could go back in the past and take it all back, then I swear I would. But can you please forgive me for those atrocities that I forced upon you? No matter how many times I apologise, it’s never gonna be enough. 

You have been a constant through the most darkest days of my life. You did everything, gave everything and never asked anything in return. And to top it off all, I selfishly went and hurt you despite knowing the consequences. I am sorry that I said I needed you. I am sorry that I said I wanted you. Because I am a selfish, fool you see? After everything that we have been through, I am just grateful that you have not cut me off like some cancerous part of your life. Before I met you, I was just a robot living a mechanical life and waiting for death. You showed me how it feels to be “alive”, how “to feel” life. Books, music, movies, stories, fantasy, daydreams, nights, cigarettes, I think I was in love with everything in those moments I spent with you. Thanks for always being there for me. And I promise, I will try to be a better person, a better friend to you. Always.

Yours, Patroclus.