#then upon feeling better i'm like. NEVER MIND THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE

[crimeronan]

i seem to finally be coming off a flare that's lasted....... fuck knows how long. most of the month at least. i woke up today only wheezing a little and not having a headache even before taking my meds. took a heavy-duty anti-inflammatory just now to kill the remaining symptoms, i'm gonna do some dishes and then go pick up yet Another prescription for More heavy-duty anti-inflammatory drugs, bc that's my life now. send prayers or good vibes into the universe that i have more than a day or two of freedom from The Hellfires. i need this So Fucking Bad.

[loveliestlovelygirl]

divine temptations | 222

you're such an angel, and i'm gonna hurt you

fallenangel!anakin x nun!reader | lore 🪽 | playlist

synopsis: after the meeting with the high council, anakin is imprisoned publicly to shame him. in his hatred for your guardian angels, he destroys them, causing chaos to overcome both heaven and earth.

w.c: 2.6k+

highlights: {minors dni} dark content, heavy religious themes and imagery, inspiration taken from catholicism primarily, sexual themes, corruption kink, light sexualization of the reader as a nun, fem!reader & use of she/her pronouns, attempted sexual assault {mentioned}, rape {mentioned}

table of contents | 333 {coming soon}

The memories of his assault of your vessel were visceral and disturbing weeks after the event. Your neck was left bruised, and it ached for several days. Sometimes, you couldn’t sleep because every time you closed your eyes you were sent back to that moment where you were at your weakest, helpless against that tree. Almost raped. Almost.

Almost is a taunting thought

You believed that, since you hadn’t been defiled, you shouldn’t be bothered by the occurrence for long. You shouldn’t have these nightmares of being raped over and over again. You shouldn’t feel vulnerable. You would simply return to your beautiful life here at the convent, your sanctuary. A place where you never have felt unsafe or threatened in any way. You loved the women here, and they loved you.

The last time you were vulnerable like this was your past life when you were a part of the world, before you had found the monastic way of life. Never did you believe you would have to feel pain like this again.

Hatred lights the path of the fallen. But you hate that man for what he wanted to do to you. How could someone be so wicked?

And every time you thought of his face, you cried and sometimes wished for death. These were thoughts that haven’t scathed your mind since you entered the convent. But perhaps contact with that despicable man left you tainted. Maybe you needed to be cleansed and prayed over, bathed in the holy waters.

What other recourse did you have?

When you explained to your sisters why you required the service, they were more than happy to pray over you. They prepared the bath for you too. Sister Agnes remained with you the entire time to help guide your prayers. The water must have risen an inch from your tears. After the bath, Sister Agnes walked you back to your private chamber.

She broke into a sob. “Oh, my dear,” the elderly woman wiped her tears, “We shouldn’t have allowed you to go near the road alone.”

You drew her into a hug. Of course, they should have sent you with another. But all you could say to the heartbroken woman was, “Don’t worry about it. I feel much better now. Our Lord protected me.”

Sister Agnes cried harder when you said that. The new expression upon her wrinkled face was one of relief. She truly believed you. And you were happy that she would not share your pain.

You bid her goodnight and went inside your room to pray. When you wanted to feel closer to the Creator, you opened your window to let the moonlight in and knelt before your window seat, setting a pillow under your knees, a makeshift prayer bench. While it was not the proper way in which to address Him, you were not so sure He minded.

For the first few minutes, you sobbed, thanking Him for the lightning that only struck your assailant and not you. The electricity only touched your skin momentarily. It was as if there had been a barrier between you and Death. You should have both died from the lightning, but only that man did. The miraculous occurrence saved you from an even greater pain.

But the thought did little to comfort you. Why you? What made you so special that you deserved a supernatural rescue and so many others didn’t? The thing that should have brought you to your knees in gratitude and praise of your savior made you... question everything, including how heavenly justice worked?

Although, the whole incident could have been some cosmic joke.

And despite spending the whole day in prayer with your sisters, you felt the same. You were still terrified about what happened. So much so that sleep was an impossible feat. During all your time at the convent prior to the horrific event, you embraced solitude and found contentment. But this night, you wouldn’t have hated companionship, someone to hold you tight and tell you that you were safe here.

“You can’t say that, Anakin! Do you understand the gravity of this situation? Do you?” Obi-Wan had never shown his anger so outwardly before. Anger marked his brow, his furious stare, his clenched jaw, and his haunting tone.

Anakin could sense his fear, despite the rage his friend used to hide it. They both understood that what Anakin had done was enough to have him sent to hell for all eternity. Their father was not so lenient of the angelic hosts as he was of humans. The humans were free to sin, and forgiveness was offered to them at every turn. And yet somehow, they still missed the chance to ascend to the heavenly realms. Most chose to trade their vaporous lives for eternity. And the Creator allowed it because of free will.

“But it’s true, Obi-Wan. There’s nothing you can do,” Anakin said emotionlessly. The chains of light were clamped tightly round his ankles, keeping him grounded. Nothing can break them except for the Creator’s Will.

He was chained to the platform right outside the chambers of the High Council, like he was an animal on display. And to the rest of the heavenly host, Anakin was a creature of anomaly. Seraphim were respected for their unbreakable devotion to Him above all else, yet Anakin wished for nothing more than to leave his place of honor. He wanted to be able to visit the Earth realms. He wanted to seduce you.

“I will try to change his mind,” Obi-Wan said to him with all hope. “He is more understanding than you give him credit for.”

With that, Obi-Wan disappeared. His wings were so quick that he moved almost at light’s speed. And Anakin was alone again in his humiliation. But he didn’t mind because now he could give you all his attention. He watched you as he always did. But this time he was not pleased by what he saw.

Never had he seen you so unhappy. He’d never witnessed you cry for anything but joy. The visions you saw in your sleep. You believed they were nightmares, but he saw the demons torturing your mind as clearly as he could see you below. Your good-for-nothing guardians were evidently too busy to cast them away. Anakin would do that for you, but he was in a bad place as it was. Interfering with your life again wouldn’t be prudent. If the Creator did not eliminate him, Obi-Wan certainly would. So, this time, he did as he should, and he merely observed from a distance, watching you cry your eyes out and writhe in pain only felt by your spirit.

The more he watched the heavier his own spirit weighed. If your guardians had served you faithfully, then you wouldn’t be left understandably traumatized from the event. It was almost too hard for him to watch you this way. But he couldn’t leave you alone like this. Even if you didn’t know he was there. He couldn’t let you out of his sight.

And as your pain grew deeper, so did his hate for those who failed in their calling to protect you. Unlike the other angels, Anakin struggled to contain his hate. No one who harmed you was free of his wrath. Certainly not your guardian angels.

The heavens erupted into chaos. Anakin had lost himself to his own wrath. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He had been punished for saving you from being violated, and those who failed in their duty to protect you were left completely unscathed. And for someone who already, secretly despised the entire heavenly host and whose hatred was like a forgotten thorn in one’s side festering for ages, obliterating your five guardians in one hailstorm of fiery rage was as simple as taking a breath for him.

Instantly, he was reprimanded by the Creator directly. In a single moment, ejected from the heavenly realms, banished to dwell upon Earth until the end of time. Hell, where he would now spend eternity, was his final destination. The mercy of the Creator saved him from being sent there first. Earth was to be his Sheol, a temporary hell.

But did they forget that his interests lie only with you. Did they fail to notice that this might be what he wanted all along? Even if he only had until the end of time with you, he knew that it would be worth it. Though you were unaware at this time, nothing would keep him from you. The laws of heaven no longer applied to him. He was free to torment the earthly beings, though that wasn’t nearly as alluring as possessing you.

 Banished from Heaven and sent to Earth, he lost his heavenly title, and his name was written among the fallen. He kept his beauty in full, but now as an angel of light. And despite having wanted this to happen, being reprimanded so heavily over what he saw as the right thing to do irked him. And the pain that he felt you living through as a result of your guardians’ inadequacy ignited his fury in ways devastating to the Earth. 

His rage awoke nature’s spirits. Thunder, Lightning, Rain, and Hail terrorized the inland villages. He disrupted the seas, wreaking havoc on coastal cities, leaving them destroyed in his wake. And nothing was put in place to stop him.

The voices of the High Council rang in his ears as they pleaded with him to end his madness. But Anakin was drunk on power, the lack of restraint he now possessed, for the fallen were given domain over the Earth for a time of unknown length. He didn’t believe in redemption. His thought was why not enjoy it here. The earthly realms were to be his last Heaven.

For weeks, the destruction by Anakin’s fury continued.

Obi-Wan was sent to stop and contain him. But Obi-Wan believed, perhaps foolishly, that Anakin’s heart could be changed.

The cherub appeared before him, glory to glory, withholding nothing. And yet the majesty of the fallen one was still unmatched.

“You know why I am here,” Obi-Wan announced, wielding his fiery blade, directing its point to the enemy.

Anakin could not cower in the presence of the threatening blade. That was beneath him. “Do I?”

“Given more time, Earth and its surrounding realms will be destroyed. This lust for power has consumed you.”

He was not blind to his own faults. But under his own authority, he could do as he pleased. Destroying this realm would be good. Nothing good has come from mankind. Not in his eyes. From his view, he could see the suffering humans enacted upon each other and upon the Earth, the very thing which provides them life. The only good in this world was you. And he had plans to sweep you away. Far away.

“The one that you love. You’re going to kill her. She will hate you.”

Anakin gave him a biting glare. If Obi-Wan knew... then that meant so did He. And the rest of Heaven. “I’d never hurt her. I can see her now. She’s sleeping. She doesn’t know what’s happening.”

“What do you think will happen when you destroy her life? Everything and everyone she cares for? You don’t think that would hurt her?”

“Obi-Wan, you have no idea! Did you see what happened to her? What almost happened? I live through her pain. I want to save her from evil. Can you not understand?”

The cherub refused to back down. His blade was still held high. “This is not up for debate. I have been sent to put an end to your insanity one way or another.”

Anakin smiled wickedly. “Oh... by killing me?”

“That depends on you, my friend.”

Anakin did not understand.

“Our Father wishes to offer you a deal. He has changed his mind on your punishment. But...” Obi-Wan sighed and shook his head, “only if you put an end to your anger now. It is not the Creator’s Will for the Earth to be done away with yet.”

In order to declare his interest, Anakin immediately paused his merciless pillaging of the surface. “I am listening.”

In return, Obi-Wan sheathed his blade of fire. “He knows how strongly you care for this human.” His voice was coated with disgust for the lesser being. “He knows exactly what she means to you and what you’re willing to give up for her. In his divine grace, He is willing to make an exchange with you. Give up your dominion over this realm, and he’ll allow you to be her guardian, though not an angel. But your eternal status, depends on how well you serve her.”

This offer was... merciful.

Beyond what Anakin knew he deserved. Not only was he being offered a chance for redemption, but he was being offered the one thing he craved most in the entire universe. As your guardian, he would have unbridled access to you and your beautiful mind. At his discretion, he could even appear to you, making his existence known to you.

Being known by you...

The thought of that was more than even he could process in all of his great understanding.

He was used to being veiled from you completely. Contact had been forbidden. But with this offer, you would be in his grasp. He could travel between dimensions and allow his glory to be witnessed by your perfect gaze. Anakin could not stop his curiosity at what it might feel like to be seen by you. Would he prefer it? Or would he dislike the contact? His intuition whispered that he would like it very much and that he might even find it addicting.

How could he say no?

“I... accept.”

Obi-Wan did seem surprised in the slightest. “I see. I will inform Him of your decision. You will feel weakened very soon. I understand that... you wanted this. But I don’t understand why. You-you, Anakin, held the position of the highest honor. Why would—”

“I never wanted any of it. I wanted to be free to pursue my singular interest.”

Obi-Wan chuckled. “I would be cautious in your new role, Anakin. More than ever before. Because this is a test. Did you believe that you were truly going to get everything you wanted without a cost? If you serve her faithfully all her life, an eternity with us is yours. But the temptations you will face as her guardian, I’m not sure you can handle it.”

“What?” Anakin spat. “Protecting a human is practically a mindless affair. That’s why it’s given to the lowest of all angels.”

“Realize that even that group is superior to where you stand currently,” he added humorously.

“I won’t be able to physically harm humans in this form. So, don’t worry. I won’t kill anyone.”

“That was not the temptation I was referring to.”

Anakin realized what his friend meant. So he quipped, “Lust is a human feeling.”

“Is it?”

“What do you mean, is it?” Anakin said mockingly.

“Do not be quick to assume anything. You’ve never been in the earthly realms before. It’s much different. You may find yourself desiring things that seemed unnatural to you before.” Obi-Wan turned, signaling his departure. “Remember the laws of Heaven. Despite your fallen state, if you wish for eternity in Heaven, where she will most certainly end up, you must abide by our laws.”

Eternity in Heaven with the one he craves. There was hardly a better fate in mind even if he never ascended to the honor he once claimed.

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@ejs398 @anakinsgirlfriendreal

[sukunasdirtylaugh]

chaos at bay (god!toji x f!reader)

tags and warnings: god!toji x f!reader, mentions of naoya harrasing the reader but it is very broad, mentions of being lured against a wall, reader's bracelet keeps her safe causing naoya to back off (cutting of hands), hellenistic // greek inspired elements and references to literature, toji being protective and blaming himself, mentions of helen from Greek mythology, reader being slightly reassuring, slight angst but good intentions here ((inspired by this mini-series))

"has he done anything to you?" there's no skip of a beat in your heart as toji holds you by the waist, your mind dizzy after the serpent tongued god naoya caught you by surprise. everyone in toji's temple knew naoya was forbidden from entering the grounds. so with five minutes, the god not only tried to get inside your mind but tried to lure you against a wall. fortunate for you, the man was taken aback by your push and the bleeding of his hands. all thanks to toji's barcelet.

you're too shaken to speak, deciding to shake your head from fear your voice might break. toji's brows furrow, the scar upon the corner of his lips more prominent as your heart churns at the idea that he might blame himself for this. no, the man has done everything to save you. removing you from marrying into tribesman leader sukuna to gifting you shelter here, in the afterlife that is neither life nor death, you have found refuge between this land. a land you had no intention of leaving.

"I should've told him to leave when I had the chance," he huffs, running a hand through his black shiny hair, "should've banned him from entering, but yet I was afraid of the higher ups knowing..." he shakes his head, speaking aloud before realizing that he was speaking in your presence. toji feels an immense sense of guilt. you can see that in his eyes and his frown. the way his hand is protectively around your waist as he scans for any external visible wounds or signs of discomfort he might have just said.

"it's fine," you croak. "I'm okay."

"I should have never let him return."

"the bracelet kept me safe."

"nevermind the bracelet, I made an oath to ensure your safety. and I... I'm no better than the fools living under Odysseus' roof."

"that's not true," while you might not be entirely sure what he refers to, your gentle hand reaches his arm, causing the god to slightly wince, "you have given me a home, provided shelter, and a place to call home. how can a man call himself a fool for doing that?"

"one who doesn't keep..." annoyance sweeps through his eyes, not towards you, but himself. and you wonder what sort of self hatred a man like him might carry. he sighs. "I made a promise. you're my responsibility."

"I'm fine, toji."

"I know you are, but that's still not enough." his voice lowers, "he could have... you could have..."

"he couldn't've hurt me with the bracelet on," you clarify, stepping forward, "and I would never dream to be with a brute like that. hasn't sukuna been enough? you saw what kind of monster he was and I'm sure naoya was no different." he sighs.

"I'll make sure to make a report with the higher gods."

"and what will they do? I'm just a simple human, toji." his eyes spark in betrayal as he looks down at you from his high stature.

"you forget how the most important woman in the world to these gods was helen of troy, a human. and make no mistake, I will envoke such chaos if it means keeping men like that away from you. you will be treated with such honor. even if it costs a life or thousands in exchange for your peace and safety."

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

How Do i even post about it ...

Ok so i mentioned in my previous post how two hummingbirds were circling me today when i got to the summit of the mountain, and i knew it was my father. But in that moment i was thinking, who is the 2nd one? And my thoughts were, Oh it must be another angel who's following him around

Well. I just opened up youtube and saw my favorite psychic posted a new reading, the title something like "Your father's spirit called upon an angel for your healing" .. I got shivers .. for context, i don't watch very many psychics as i don't find many of them to be trustworthy, but this girl is like on a totally different level her readings are always extremely specific & her energy is soooo beautiful like truly ethereal she is a true channeler , she also barely ever posts , you can tell it's not like a 'hustle' to her like she hadn't posted anything in like a month before this, idk she's just very sincere

the basic gist of the reading was, she said she sees "your father standing there, and to the side of him, a much larger figure, an angel" .. And he has called upon the angel to assist him, in assisting me, in healing this wound, as well as communication, because he does not have the power to heal it himself. (At one point she mentioned how he was not a spiritual person in life, he does not have psychic gifts, which is why he had to call upon this angel, which made me laugh cus it's true as fuck my dad hated all things woo-woo)

But i was like oh my god.... that was the 2nd hummingbird i saw earlier... i heard it in my mind.. There's another angel with him, but i didn't know who, and i even wondered why i didn't know who, because usually i know, when i see something and it has a message for me i know who it's from...

It's so crazy, she specified that "you lost your father very young" but also "you moved around a lot, part of the wound is that you've never been able to root in your life, you desire to root and establish something for yourself but the wound has kept you from this and that's what he's called upon this angel to heal for you" she also said the word "nomad" and i was like fully sobbing at this point cus. that's been my WHOLE life like from early childhood up until this exact moment, before and after he died, i move and move and move i never stay still ..

i've never had roots and when i'm feeling sorry for myself that's where my mind goes, "You never got to have roots". I see & know so many people who just have that they just have a home and a family they have a hometown they take it quite for granted to be known and familiar. it's like yeah i'll never see any of my childhood homes again even from the outside. i have like 5 childhood homes split in different countries. i dream of them and that's all there is.

But ok, she said like, omg dude. She said the angel is bringing you "freedom". And i fucking gasped even though that sounds vague as fuck, i have been repeatedly praying lately for My Perfect Freedom. Every night. A few weeks ago i finally took action into seeking legal help for my immigration situation and since then i've been receiving nothing but good news about it, better than i ever imagined. Especially in the past week. I'm not rly trying to talk about it online but i feel like it's important to note for the timing of this message that i literally AM getting my freedom and it's FELT angelic.

Like i've been feeling this new sense of vitality and hope and optimism in my heart that i can stay. I can just stay here. I never have to move again. I literally can root. i've been walking with denji every night, and i just look around at the neighborhood and the sky and the trees, i listen to the cicadas, i'm like holy shit, this is it, this is what it means to have joy, this is what it means to be present, nothing feels mundane, i'm just so happy to be here, i'm giving thanks every moment, i'm seeing my future unfold, the way i can get a job again, actually start saving up for a life that's real, tangible, the uncertainty i've lived with for my entire adult life is fading away, literally so recently like so so recently

and today at the mountaintop felt like a climax of this feeling, the gratitude, the panorama of opportunities, angels communicating, presentness, just not wanting or needing to be anywhere else, not needing to run away anymore

She said about how "you were best friends with your father" which i was, and she said "you share your gifts but he acknowledges you do it better than him" which cracked me up cus like. My father looooved drawing and photography which are obviously big things for me too, part of our friendship was that he pushed me to do art and make a real career of it like he wanted to.

i think i've spoken of this on here before but taking photos is something i do with him, not even like "im honoring him" but we literally do it together, it's a form of channeling. i think sometimes i channel him when i draw too but mostly my grandpa. My grandpa had very similar drawing style to me but my dad's was a little different. However when i see my dad's photography it's like yeah, we have the same eyes, physically and spiritually, same vision

Lol ok last thing she said that freaked me out was that i have a son waiting to be born who will be either my grandfather or great-grandfather reincarnate. And no joke i HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS !!!! Like its really the biggest reason i feel strongly compelled to have a child. I always thought it will be my great grandfather who died a few months before i was born. i really feel i have a son and a daughter waiting to come through and i can't deny them. i can't say it's true confirmation since it hasn't happened yet but it was just weird to hear her say that when it's something i've never even spoken of just a total hunch.

And having my children will be a huge milestone in healing this wound of almost 18 years since my dad's been gone. plus the lifelong wound of yearning to "root".

Like if what she says is really true that a new force has been summoned recently to assist me with this, it explains so much of what i've felt lately. i feel it's only come in in the past few weeks, definitely after pochita's surgery, maybe that's where my dad drew the line and said THAT'S IT WE'RE CALLING IN REINFORCEMENTS

She said whoever this father is he has a very sarcastic dry sense of humor about him. Just another lil confirmation idk hehe. The hummingbirds rly told me everything i needed to know though. in that moment i knew it was one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me even before seeing the reading but wow i rly didnt expect this. She said so much in the reading that felt like it was literally specific just for me. There's probably more i'm forgetting

Wow this is became a looooong post :) Don;t mind me. i've just.... i've been doing a lot of secret practice lately, a lot of things i don't talk about on tumblr, or tell anyone at all, because the silence gives it power. But this one i just felt called to document here for some reason. i don't question it. Goodnight fr this time....

PMD(9)

[luv4fandoms]

I just had a hell of a cute ideia, hear me out:

Marko and reader are together right, and Marko is caressing reader's face when they say

-Touch me with your hands Marko

-I already am babe

-No. Without the gloves, I wanna feel your palms against my cheek, I wanna feel you

I'm sorry but this is so damn cute, like imagine them on a date in the beach sitting on the sand just appreciating each others presence 😩😩😩

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk

This was the cutest freaking idea!!! I hope I did it justice 🥺

Soft Marko makes me weak 😩

How many times had you been in this very same situation? Staring into the hazel eyes of what you could only describe as your dream man. He had come into your life like a tornado, destroying every idea and thought you had about who you wanted to be with, what type of guy you needed in your life, how you pictured your future. He was both hell and heaven on Earth, a fallen angel sent to both condemn and save you…and you wouldn't have him any other way. You had met on the boardwalk what feels like a lifetime ago, the sounds of their bikes catching your attention, causing you to look their way, and when you did your eyes landed on him. An Earthbound cupid with sin in his eyes, and mischief in his smile. You still remember when your eyes met, as if he knew you were staring, and he sent you that knowing smirk while your cheeks tinted red. You didn't realize that was the moment you found yourself trapped in his web, a helpless little fly that he wanted to keep forever. And keep you he did. Date after date you found yourself falling harder for the wild blonde, his brothers soon becoming friends of yours, and even after he revealed what he was, you didn't run, you couldn't, your mind already couldn't picture life without him.

So here you sat, another moonlit night sitting on the towel he had laid out on the beach, both of you staring at one another, memorizing features that you had already memorized many moons ago, and yet looking at each other as if it were the first time. His hand came up to gently push back a strand of hair that the wind blew, fingers lightly grazing your cheeks as he did so, before cupping your skin, thumb stroking along your cheekbone while your eyes fluttered closed.

"Touch me with your hands" you breathed out, eyes opening upon hearing his light laugh.

"I already am babe" he smiled that cheeky smile at you.

"No. Without the gloves, I wanna feel your palms against my cheek, I wanna feel you" You told him, Marko had never really held you without his gloves on, only a few short lived moments when you had been at the cave just as he had woken up, and you longed to feel his skin against yours. You watched a soft smile grace his lips, before his hand left your skin, the sound of fabric rustling as he slid the gloves off, laying them to the side before grabbing your face with both hands.

"Better?" He asked, thumbs rubbing your skin, you felt so warm against his palms, and his skin felt so cold against your cheeks, but you couldn't be happier.

"Better" you smiled, hands coming up to cover his as you looked at one another, before he slowly leaned in and gently kissed you, the sound of the crashing waves the only music the two of you needed in that moment while you both lost yourself in one another yet again. 

[thirstworldproblemss]

Ficlet: Kindness

Pairing: Din x gn!reader* Fandom: The Mandalorian Words: 645 Rating: Teen ...maybe? Content/Warnings:  One (1) very oblique reference to sexual arousal/yearning. *Also: while this fic is technically gender neutral—(I think? let me know if you spot any gendered language that I missed)—it was written with a specific (female) "reader" in mind

Summary: A Mandalorian (ficlet) for Cindy ✨

Notes: This is a short little thing that I wrote for Cindy (@keeper0fthestars) once upon a time in response to a 'who would you ship me with and why?' ask game that was going around. I considered expanding or reworking this before posting, but somehow it doesn't seem fair to take it any further now that C's no longer here to see it… So here it is, exactly as I shared it with her. It's not my best work ever or terribly polished—it was never intended to be anything more than a silly little blurb for a silly little ask game—but it was fun to write, and sharing it with Cindy brought us both joy.  In the end, I think that's enough. In the end, I think that was everything.

[ twp’s Masterlist ]

—— 

Din doesn't quite know what to make of you at first.

You are…. Kind.  Consistently and deliberately thoughtful in a way that’s unfamiliar to him.  You’re other things too: funny and pretty and smart, and so much braver than he gave you credit for in the beginning.  But somehow it’s your kindness that always catches him off-guard.  He’s not used to people offering to help him without strings attached or being kind just for the sake of kindness.

He hires you to take care of the kid, and you do, but somehow you wind up taking care of him as well.

When he returns to the ship with a bounty, you’re there to greet him, always checking in to make sure he's okay.  The first time it happens, the attention makes him feel uncomfortable—oddly… exposed—and he brushes off your inquiries with a brusque, "I'm fine; save it for the kid,” before ingrained politeness makes him follow up with a soft, "thank you" a few moments later.  You smile at him, and he has to look away.

You are kind, always smiling at him or offering him a share of the meal you made for yourself and the kid.  He thinks at first that it's the unfamiliarity of being cared for that makes his breath catch.  And if his heart beats a little faster when you lay a concerned hand on his arm, it's just the novelty of a gentle, non-threatening touch.

The problem is that it doesn't stop happening. 

The warm smiles, the kindness, the gentle touches, the sharing of food and stories and space eventually become routine.  But it never stops affecting him.  If anything, it gets worse or maybe better.  A look from you is enough to leave him flushed, skin prickling under his armor.  The smallest interactions make his heart beat fast like he’s chasing down a bounty in full armor.  Even just watching you with the kid—loving yet firm in a way that somehow, miraculously works—leaves him breathless, yearning for something he doesn’t fully understand.

You are kind, and he grows greedy for that kindness.  Cataloging every smile and touch and glance from you. He hoards them away in his memory like precious treasures, reliving each one alone in his bunk at night and savoring the remembered warmth of your attention.  But still he wants more. Can’t help but think of all the different ways you might touch or look upon each other. Dreams of your eyes on him, your hands, your bare skin against his, unstymied by armor or helmet, and wakes hard and aching.  Wonders if he could make you ache for him in return.

You are kind.

You are kind. 

You are kind, but it feels like more. Like something half-remembered from another life, from before the culvert and the mandalorians and the droid attack.  He wants it to be more.  He wants that feeling, that life… with you. He thinks sometimes that you might want the same.  But you're so thoughtful. So good.  So consistently nice to everyone you meet.  No matter how long he watches you, he can't tell if he is special to you or just one of many.  (Maker, he wants to be special.)

You are kind, and he cannot find the words to tell you how much that means to him, so he gives you the ones he has.  He says, “thank you” and “you’re good with the kid” and “let me help you, please” and tries his best to repay a little of that kindness, to give you back some small part of the happiness and peace you bring to him.  He hopes he’s managing it.  His heart soars like a rising phoenix every time he manages to make you smile.

Maybe someday he'll find the right words and the courage to say them, but for now? 

You are kind, and it’s enough.

.

The Beginning.

.

——

Want more to read? [ twp’s Masterlist  |  Author, Fic & Fanwork Recs ]

——

End Notes & More About Cindy:

Cindy (@keeper0fthestars) passed away on December 25th, 2022—one month ago today. She was a bright light in this fandom, and she was my friend. You can read the announcement posts here & here; and more about her here (w link to her obituary), here (w link to donate in her memory), here (w her eulogy), and here (soliciting t-shirt design ideas to raise money in her memory).

This is probably as close to a memorial post for her as I’ll get, so I guess I better say what I need to say.

...And what can I say about Cindy?

Only a few weeks after she and I first traded shy DMs full of mutually admiring fangirl flailing, she spotted a single panicked post of mine (about not being able to get in touch with my seriously ill husband who I'd sent to the ER alone at the height of the pandemic because there was no one else to watch the kids).

He was ultimately fine, and I honestly don’t even remember why he couldn’t contact me. But what I do remember is that Cindy was one of two people to reach out, and she spent hours chatting with me, distracting me, and keeping me company while I waited to hear from him. I remember she stayed up long past both our bedtimes so that I wouldn’t have to be alone with my worry. 

That right there tells you what sort of person Cindy was, and I doubt that story would surprise anyone who knew her.

Cindy was a lot of things: She was smart and wickedly funny. She was humble and so, so very brave. And I think anyone who’s read her amazing stories knows that she possessed both mind-boggling talent and a gloriously debauched imagination.  But what always stood out to me was the way she was unfailingly thoughtful, supportive and kind, even in the midst of her own harsh struggles.

It was Cindy's kindness that I thought of when I started to write out some ideas for that long-ago ask game request. And of course I had to chose Din—both because she loved him and because… if anyone needs a little kindness in their life, it’s our favorite tin can space man dad. In typical hot mess™ twp fashion, it quickly got out of hand, morphing into this little ficlet, which then languished, mostly finished, in my drafts for... quite a while.

I finally, belatedly, got around to finishing and sharing it with her months and months (and months ^^') after the fact, in an attempt to cheer her up after yet another round of bad news. By that point it had been so long since the original post that I felt silly and a bit embarrassed even to show it to her. But of course... feelings like that could never survive an encounter with Cindy. Somehow, despite the fact that I was trying to do something nice for her, she was so enthusiastic and effusively grateful that I wound up feeling special too. 

Cindy was just... like that.

You know that Maya Angelou quote? The one that ends with, "People will never forget how you made them feel." Well Cindy was a master of that: she had a way of making everyone she talked to feel heard and welcome and supported. She made you feel special.... Because to her, you were. We were. Each and every one of us.

She never stopped saying how much she loved this fandom. How glad she was to have found a refuge in it. How grateful she was for the friendships she made here.

And I will never stop being grateful for my friendship with her.

Rest in peace, my love 💕

[plantmommoonbaby]

Hello, there. I'm currently high (both on cannabis and having freshly info dumped about WBN to someone, and in doing so, I churned my mind up into a frenzy that is better than psychedelics to me) and can't stop thinking. So, please, have:

Some Cannabis and Overenthusiasm-fuelled Fan Theories about Worlds Beyond Number (Part 1)

Theory 1: We might go to Spirit (or at least the Near Spirit) Very Soon ™️

So... this one might be a stretch... But as I previously mentioned, I was infodumping to a friend of mine this morning, and I noticed a trend:

Chapter 1 was introducing us to the PCs (The Wizard, the Witch, and the Wild One), very standard and, dare I say it, proper practice for any long form AP production worth it's salt. It takes place in a relatively neutral setting, in that there is a great diversity of kinds of people our heroes come across, and it really gives just a cursory first glance at the kind of world we are playing in

Chapter 2, we visit the Citadel, home of Suvi (The Wizard), and receive context for what exactly wizards--at least the wizards like our wizard--are all about. We see, in great detail, what expectations are placed upon Suvi; how she should act, speak and think. And we also gain glimpses into the Citadel's function, and the way it interacts with the world that hint at the disconnect between what Suvi believes about the institution that raised her and the actual impact of said institution upon the world.

Now, in Chapter 3, we have stepped into what should be Ame's (The Witch) world, despite her never having really experienced it before this moment. Again, we get a very in depth look into how Ame is expected to act and react as the Witch of the World's Heart, as well as how this very specific faction of witchcraft performs together. Same as with the Citadel, we see that not every witch is the Ghibli-esque cutie we previously thought, and we see the ways that not all witches' actions have the same impact upon the world at large as even the witches believe they do. Also, we get to see that it's not just one baddie here in Umora.

If pattern and logic are to be trusted (and I want to trust my fellow ND comrade BLeeM to make it so, I really do), it seems like the next step for Chapter 4 would be for the gang to follow Eursulon (The Wild One) into some version of his world. Currently, I think the gang fleeing to the Near Spirit where his family tree is would be the ideal; a happy medium between the best outcome (they are actually able to travel into the spirit realm because Eursulon somehow becomes unwayshadowed??) and what seems the most logical next step based off where the last episode (#29) left us (The King of Night drags Eursulon away to the Near Spirit to irrevocably change the trajectory of his life and Ame and Suvibhave to find a way into the Near Spirit to save him). But it feels like it's time for us to start really digging in to how the Spirit leaves its mark on Umora. Plus, with that little teaser of the frontlines of a war that could be heard in the distance from the burrow, I am desperate to know the third side to the story, because then we can start sifting through all this information we have snippets of and see if we can piece some things together.

Damn. This got longer than expected... I think I'll just make a part 2 with my truly unhinged theory next... if you made it here, thanks for reading. I need a snack, you should also have a snack

[wholesomefluffdaddy]

Azula has made no progress since she was sent back to the asylum. Ty Lee believes she can help her, with proper disciple. Tyzula.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

CH7: Her Aura

"Thank you for coming." Ty Lee said, setting down a tray of freshly brewed tea. "I'm afraid it's nowhere near as good as Iroh's though." She said with a small apologetic smile.

"No, this is fine. Thank you." Her guest said without smiling but accepted the tea. Ty Lee took her own and held it cupped between her hands. There was a long stretch of tense silence. Ty Lee tried to break it.

"So, she's made some progress." She began optimistically. She could feel her guest's mistrustful gaze upon her. "Really! She has!" Ty Lee pushed on. She tried to think of some examples. "She hasn't made a mess of her food, she only made one escape attempt since my last letter, and she uses 'please' now."

"I could say the same thing of a toddler." Came the curt reply. Ty Lee felt crestfallen but hid it. "But that's not the point." Ty Lee made to open her mouth but her guest continued. "Azula is a threat that was never properly dealt with."

"Okay but please understand she didn't choose to be like this." Ty Lee interjected. "Her life, her mind, was messed up so early on. Her aura is so tangled and knotted."

"And you think you can 'untangle' it?"

"I think anything is possible with enough time. I mean, think about it, Zuko and Mai finally got married and it only took forever." Ty Lee laughed. Her face fell when she saw her guest's grim expression.

"The summit-"

"Wants to take her bending. I know." Ty Lee said quickly.

"-was on the verge of sentencing her to death for all the crimes she has committed."

"…and you wouldn't argue with that, would you?" Ty Lee said darkly as she set down her tea. There was a pause.

"Aang and Zuko have argued enough on her behalf. Aang doesn't believe in taking another's life and Zuko… well, is Zuko. He's stubborn."

"Why would Azula be sentenced to death but not Ozai?" Ty Lee challenged. "Everything she did was because of his orders."

"Everything?" Her guest said, setting her tea down as well. Ty Lee grimaced and looked away.

"She's so screwed up but that isn't her fault." She said softly but defiantly.

"You still love her, don't you?" Her guest sighed. Ty Lee felt her heart skip a beat. "Suki told me."

"So what if I do? That makes me a terrible person too, doesn't it?" Ty Lee said, hugging herself.

"Ty Lee…"

"I tried to get over her, I really tried!" Ty Lee said desperately. "The other Kyoshi Warriors tried to help too but-"

"You're so kind and funny and talented. Why her?"

"Our auras are tied together." Ty Lee said, running a hand through her hair. "Tied so tight it's suffocating."

"I don't-"

"It's like her spiritual energy is drowning and I want to save it, but… it's just like trying to help someone who's drowning." Ty Lee said, catching her eye.

"They pull you down with." Her guest finished somberly.

"I have to help her."

"You don't."

"I love her." Ty Lee whispered.

"Why?" Her guest asked incredulously. Ty Lee took a breath.

"She loves me." She said, grabbing her tea. She stared into it with her eyes unfocused. "She never stopped either. But I doubt she even knows what she's feeling. She's so stunted." She took a sip and closed her eyes.

"How do you know?"

"She's always protected me, stood up for me, pushed me to be better." She said softly then opened her eyes. "But she's also hurt me." She chewed her lip. "I know she doesn't mean to. It just happens."

"That doesn't make it okay." Her guest said bracingly.

"But the funny thing is, as soon as she realizes she's hurt me I can see the fear and regret in her eyes. She apologizes immediately, albeit terribly, but she tries to fix it. She's not trying to be hurtful. She's just like a scared, feral, kitten owlet that has no idea what it's doing." Ty Lee explained.

"That's not a comparison I would make but I suppose you've known her longer."

"Yeah, I don't think she'd like that comparison either." Ty Lee laughed. There was a momentary peaceful silence as they both drank their tea.

"Why did you call me here?"

"I want to learn about spiritual bending." Ty Lee said seriously.

"For… yourself?" Her guest asked in confusion. "But you're not a bender?"

"No, not for me, for Azula." Ty Lee said simply. Her guest nearly spat out their tea as they started choking. "Are you alright?"

"Why would I teach Azula spiritual bending? She hates me. Not to mention having her bending removed is the most peaceful option the summit has agreed upon."

"Okay, well I'll admit she probably doesn't want to learn from you but if you taught me then I could teach her." Ty Lee said brightly.

"No."

"What do you mean no?" Ty Lee frowned.

"Firstly, I'm still a novice myself when it comes to that kind of bending. Second, waterbending and firebending are opposites so I doubt what I have learned would translate. Thirdly, and most importantly, it's Azula."

"Katara…" Ty Lee said seriously. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it would help." Katara grimaced.

"Ty Lee-" She shook her head and stood up. "-no." Ty Lee stood up too. "I know you're trying to help but some people are beyond helping."

"What if she makes more progress? What if I can prove she's getting better?" Ty Lee said determinedly. Katara looked at her.

"Fine. If you think you can help her more in a few months than the asylum has in years, I'll consider it." Katara said regretfully. "I'll see what more I can learn and if it's even possible to translate to her."

"Thank you! Thank you!" Ty Lee said, pulling her into a hug.

"Don't thank me yet." Katara groaned.

"I promise you won't regret it." Ty Lee said, pulling back. Katara looked at her doubtfully.

"Hey Azula-" Ty Lee began cheerfully as she entered her room.

"You're late." Azula hissed moodily as she sat curled up on her bed.

"I know." Ty Lee said, striding over and taking a seat on the edge of it. "And I know that inconsistency upsets you." She said lightly. Azula puffed herself up indignantly. "So I really appreciate you being patient with me." Ty Lee said, placing a hand on her arm. "Thank you." She smiled. Azula spluttered helplessly.

"Yes! Well!" She didn't know what else to say. "Don't let it happen again!"

"I can't promise that." Ty Lee said simply.

"Why not?" Azula demanded.

"Sometimes things happen. Things out of our control, and the only thing we can truly control is how we react." Ty Lee said, giving her arm a small squeeze before pulling her hand away.

"That sounds like something my sniveling uncle would say to Zuzu when he failed miserably at something." Azula said, taking Ty Lee's hand and putting it back. Ty Lee raised an eyebrow. "What?" Azula huffed. "He would."

"That's not-" Ty Lee began but shook her head. "We can tackle that later. Anyway, I was thinking about your firebending." Azula shivered involuntarily and glanced out the window. Was it really time for another chi blocking already? "Uh-?" Azula stuck her arms out. "No, no, it's not time for-" She frowned. Something was noticeably different about Azula's aura. It felt… vulnerable? Mailable?

Ty Lee took Azula's hands in her own and closed her eyes. She could feel Azula trembling ever so slightly. She could hear her breathing slow and uneven. Her pulse quickened. Ty Lee could pick up on all these subtle shifts. Azula was scared for sure but also excited and… submissive? Was that something Azula could even be? With her? She felt along her arms. They were incredibly tense.

"Breathe with me." Ty Lee said in a tone that was soft but firm. "Inhale." She inhaled slowly as she began to rub Azula's arms. She could feel the heat returning to them and cracked her eyes open. Azula had her's screwed shut. "Exhale." She breathed as her hands ended in Azula's.

"What do you feel?" Ty Lee asked curiously. Azula frowned, it was difficult to concentrate with Ty Lee holding her hands.

"…Warm?" She said, somewhat confused. She opened her eyes and pulled one of her hands away from Ty Lee's experimentally. She stared at it as she tried to focus. No fire came out but she could make her palm significantly warmer. She furrowed her brow. Did Ty Lee make a mistake? Was this intentional? If so, why? The uncertainty scared her. Her eyes flicked back to Ty Lee's. Ty Lee was watching her but it also felt like she was focusing on something else.

"What is the meaning of this?" Azula asked suspiciously. Ty Lee was fascinated as she watched Azula's aura shift in an instant. It had gone from curious and subdued to defensive and more tangled.

"I thought I'd give you a little of your bending back…" Ty Lee said, as she watched her aura continue to darken like a stormcloud.

"Why? For what purpose?" Azula demanded. She still held one of Ty Lee's hands but felt conflicted. What mind game was she playing with her?

"You seem upset to have them back." Ty Lee said, tilting her head to one side.

"Of course I'm upset!" Azula snapped.

"Why?" Ty Lee asked curiously. Azula stared at her in disbelief. Wasn't it obvious? Clearly Ty Lee was trying to trick her for some reason, but to what end and for what purpose?

"Why do you think?" Azula hissed. She wanted to pull her hand away but didn't want to lose the physical contact. Ty Lee glanced between Azula and her aura. She was scared but why? What things scared Azula?

"Oh!" Ty Lee said suddenly, making Azula recoil slightly. "Inconsistency! This is new and I didn't give you an explanation." Ty Lee smiled and shook her head. Azula had lived by strict rules and routines with explicit explanations. Everything was rigidly black or white, about gain or loss. To do something on a whim without a clear benefit to oneself was probably completely incomprehensible to her.

"Okay, so um," Ty Lee tried to frame it so Azula would understand, "I gave you back a little bit of your bending as a reward."

"Reward for what?" Azula asked suspiciously as she took Ty Lee's other hand again.

"For really trying and making progress." She said, gently squeezing her hands. She felt them heat up immediately.

"What a mockery." Azula said, narrowing her eyes. Ty Lee tried to think quickly as Azula's aura shifted again.

"Well, it's true, and also I get to feel how nice and warm your hands are again." She said, pulling one up to her face and pressing her cheek against it.

Azula flushed but started to calm. Ty Lee had clearly done this for personal gain, as she had so foolishly just admitted. She warmed them as much as she could as a smug grin tugged at her lips. Who wouldn't want to feel her warm hands against their soft beautiful… What was she doing? Why was she freely giving comfort to her captor? Why was she-? Ty Lee pressed her lips to Azula's palm.

Ty Lee's eyes widened slightly as she watched the pink that spread across Azula's face also spread across her aura. She repressed a giggle as Azula appeared too flustered to move.

[makiszx]

fanfic my friend and i made about a friend group at our school🙂‍↕️

this is completely satire and was made for solely shits and giggles. dont expect some amazing story building or writing its very cringy aswell.

all the names are fake too

Once upon a time, there were two boys. They have been best friends since childhood, but Eduardo always had stronger feelings towards Gabriel.

Eduardo watched Gabriel date many girls and had to hide his feelings from Gabriel and act happy for him when he was breaking inside. He put on a fake smile and tried to date other girls but inside he only yearned for Gabriel and his 7’8 nonchalant dreadhead self.

As the months went on Eduardo realized that liking Gabriel is only hurting himself and he needs to distance himself to save his and Gabriels friendship. Gabriel noticed it but all he could do is shake his dreads and sigh nonchalantly, waiting for him to tell him what’s wrong.

They have never had a argument that was actually detrimental to their relationship, always finding a way to brush it off. Gabriel hoped, whatever the reason was, maybe a girl, maybe it was his soccer games, that eduardo would get over it soon so they can go back to being best friends.

At a house party Eduardo and abel have a conversation. this has to be the first public gathering Eduardo has been to without Gabriel, seeing as their attached by the hip. everyone noticed as well thinking that they had a cute little fight and they’ll be back together in no time, posting on each others stories to rod wave captioned “mh🖤🖤”.

But what Eduardo doesn’t know is that Abel had been crushing on him and has really strong feelings for him. they have always been friends, not as close as Gabriel and him but to the point that one on one hang out we’re always fun together. as they were both intoxicated beyond reason, abel asks Eduardo about his love life and if he has any crushes. hoping to see any signs of him liking guys.

Eduardo eventually gets emotional, and spills all about his feelings about Gabriel, not fully noticing that he actually said it. but it left him leaving him feeling relieved. Abel breaks down in tears and says “I could treat you better than he can!!” Eduardo is shocked at his outburst and runs away and out of the house party. Abel runs after him screaming about how he's stupid to choose Gabriel over him.

Eduardo runs into an alleyway and hides, he calls Gabriel's number because that's the first person to come to his mind. “gabe p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-please help me. I'm so scared and Abel is coming after me and my smol petite legs can't run anymore." Eduardo cries out to the phone.

“no, Eduardo! stay right there eddy boo i'll come save you.” Gabe screams into the phone (nonchalantly), already on his way to where Eduardo is. “th-thank you alpha gabe🥹 come quick i can hear him getting closer. this might be my end...” he whispers.

“no!! this can't be!!!”

“Thank you for everything. goodbye." Eduardo hangs up the phone before Gabe can say a response.

Abel rounds the corner menacingly, towering over Eddys smol petite frame, “hello Eduardo pookie! you will choose me over gabe now right, he left you here by yourself and made you run all this way with your petite legs. I would never let you walk if you were with me. because I love you so much😍.” Eduardo screams with horror.

then Gabe pulls up and with his nonchalant deadhead powers he rebukes Abel to a roblox obby at insanity difficulty. “thank you nonchalant dreadhead gabe😇, you saved my life!” eduardo thanks tears streaking his face.

“of course pookie dookie, anything for you🥹” 

“How can I repay you…I know I've been distant but it’s only because I like you too much and I'm scared to get my feelings hurt cause I know you don’t feel the same and you don’t like me,” Eduardo says, he starts crying again.

“no!! eduardo!!!!!! I could never not like you, you’re the light of my life and I can't imagine a world without you. i like you eddy boo. and to repay me give me a kiss.” nonchalant dreadhead gabe confesses his feelings for eduardo.

Eduardo's jaw dropped, feeling both joy and confusion sinking into his gut, “I always thought you only liked girls!”

“no it was all an act to hide my feelings for you” gabe responds, nonchalantly panting from the run to the alleyway that he ran 1000mps

“you idiot” eduardo his his shoulder, but because hes so smol compared to gabe it leaves no sting. eduardo cries again.

they kiss.

what they don’t see coming is Tj rounding the corner with an AR15 and shoots though dreadhead gabes nonchalant defence.

“AUUGGHHHHHHH” gabe screams in excruciating pain withering on the floor, no longer nonchalant.

eduardo retches in disgust “that was so not nonchalant dreadhead of you” he walks over to Tj and says “thank you for showing me his real colors🥹”

“anything for you, i wanted you to notice me instead of that nonchalant poser.” then they ran out into the sunset, leaving gabe on the cold alleyway pavement reaching out for his one love, eduardo.

as they happily skip away from the alley, a crowd forming around gabe’s body, they dont notice maverick hiding in the shadows with a knife and malice written all over his face.

END🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

part two coming up

and for reference eduardo is a 4’10 latina baddie, gabe is a 6’7 brown skin nonchalant dreadhead, Tj is a light skin curly head, and maverick is a filipino abg baddie😚

the main ship was supposed to be gabardo but Tj HAD to cause problems with his skanky ass

if you actually read this thank you sm but wtf is wrong with you😭

[sunriseverse]

💚 Green and 🖤 Black and 🤎 Brown

💚 Green: Do you ever feel inspired by and/or jealous of other people's writing?

inspired, yes; jealous, no. maybe when i was younger, and my technical skills were more lacking—my writing isn't the best thing in the world, but what i have now makes me happy. i've had a lot of opportunities to grow and improve, and i've come to a place that i am content with. sometimes i see other people being really, really good at something (comedy, for one) and wish idly that i were better in that way, but mostly it just encourages me to hone my own skills, because maybe someday someone will look at my writing and go, oh, i want to be like that.

🖤 Black: Do you think about your story when you're not physically writing it? Does it help with plotting scenes, character arcs, etc.?

a better question is "when am i ever not thinking about my writing?" which has a very clear answer: never. there is not a single moment in my life that i'm not thinking about my writing—in part because it's a special interest of mine, and thus underpines my very existence, and part because, well, it's what i spend most of my free time doing. it pervades my every waking moment—even those that aren't "nice"; i've had more than one breakdown and had an analytic part of me go, oh, i know how to nail that emotional beat in my project now! it permeates beyond that, too—i dream about my writing, and even though this isn't very conducive to, well, actually making progress on things since i rarely remember the exact details of my dreams, but it certainly adds to the "living, breathing writing" mindset i've unintentionally tricked myself into. if i'm not writing, i'm thinking about writing, or drawing art for my writing, or talking to my friends about my writing, or, or, or. you get the picture.

🤎 Brown: How did you decide to write (or why are you writing) a certain fanfic?

going to take this as a moment to be wildly self-indulgent and talk about sunrise—my darling, my heart, my reason for existence, if we want to be sentimental. what initially started off as a silly pacrim fusion (as i am wont to do—show me a fandom i've been in post-2018 that i haven't written a pacrim au for, i dare you) accidentally gained, uh, 10k+ in lore, 14k+ in actual established canon, and an uncountable amount more to be written as i have the time. it is the pinnacle of self-indulgence, combining half a dozen of my interests—pacific rim, the yuan and ming dynasties, especially the wanli era, science fiction, eldritch somethings, the horrifying exploration of autonomy, control, love, political strata upon political strata, tragic sibling dynamics, weird as fuck biological mutations in the vein of annihilation (terrible film, wonderful visuals), character design, love and trust as the only thing that can save the world, and more! i write this verse because it lives, quite literally, in a penthouse suite in my mind, and it's not leaving any time soon, and it's fun. also, because i can canonically say shit like "well, yes, they can tear you apart and rebuild you with massive amounts of futuristic tech, but no, there aren't any smartphones. also the ottoman empire took over most of europe"

thanks for the ask!

[2004videovixxxen]

actually insane that i find these pictures now; i was just looking for an old polaroid that i thought i kept but yet another artifact too easily forfeited under false pretenses. i said to myself "if only i had those photos that are long gone from my old tumblr" and in class today i noticed a usb that i hadn't seen in so long and decided to plug it into my laptop. there, i found papers i wrote in high school, college application essays, college essays, prom photos and these photos.

they aren't all the ones we took as most of them were on my laptop, also long gone, but they are something. and funnily enough, i wish i could send him one of these, just so he could see, but i don't know if he'd find that appropriate. he might think it's another one of my ploys to tell him how i'm not over him and blah blah, lol (blame that on me actually saying that to him after too many shots and heightened emotions from me forcefully saying what was on my mind). it sucks because i don't have that much pride these days, but i do have respect for boundaries and he said he wanted to be better for his relationship, sending this would not be beneficial to him (not assuming he'd think anything more of it than an old memory, just respecting his wishes).

made me smile though, to have a piece of him with me. yes i know he will always be a part of me, but i like to have pictures and letters too! (lol) and i still have that original print of our prom photo that's all bent up and creased from many moments of us being at odds. it was wild of me to think that he could have ever been attracted to me, because i really wanted him to be, while i was looking like a wannabe becky. i mean seriously, what the hell was that hairstyle??? but at the same time props to my hair for lasting in that style lol the way i can't do any kind of side bang to save my life, my hair has possibly lost its thickness, might be the veganism.

was another nice walk down memory lane. the first one provided to me from my favorite high school pastime, unsolicited i might add, definitely didn't make me feel the way this did today.

thanks intuition, you literally led me to what i asked for!!!! and thanks God, i know you got me always

okay side note!!! is brandon wearing a WATCH? lmfaooo yo it's not anything comical but it reminded me he also used to wear earrings! these pictures truly brought me back to how i used to feel seeing him walk down the hallway, or when i tried to plan it perfectly where i left my class so that we could bump into each other and go to yearbook together, or where i would just miss him so i'd walk in after and he'd see me walking in, to come over and sit with me. i've always liked his style. he could never do wrong in my eyes (and secret but when you let go of the pain someone caused you, forgive them and yourself, you truly do really remember the good times and as much pain as he may have caused me, i know i caused him pain as well and well, i would think he only thinks of me in the good kind of way too). my best friend, once upon a time. our type of party.

[novoplata]

How I saved RM250k in 10 years.

I haven't always been good with money. I've shared before how I only started saving consistently at 30 and how I used to have thousands of ringgits in credit card debts throughout my 20s, thanks to my nonexistent delayed gratification.

Nonetheless, upon realising that I was nowhere like the person I had envisioned to be at 30, I decided it was high time to pull my act together and clean up the financial mess I'd gotten into.

I started my personal finance journey in January 2014 with RM800 in my savings account. By July 2014, my total savings was RM16,000. This month, exactly 10 years later, my total savings in the said account has reached RM266,000. A total increase of RM250,000 in 10 years. If you come from money, RM250k may not seem like a lot. But I had started from scratch (the last time I received money from my dad was in April/May 2005) and I had managed to hit my savings goal without getting a loan, winning the lottery or having a sugar daddy. Therefore, I'm pretty pleased with this milestone accomplishment.

Here's a step-by-step of how I did it: 1. Don't be afraid to job-hop The first conventional tip for saving money is to spend less than you earn and save 20% of your earnings. Sounds fair until inflation catches up with you and you no longer make enough to spend, let alone save. Therefore, my biggest financial tip is to monitor the job market and hop around to get a better offer. I don't normally stick around at a job longer than two years. Not only does my attention span not allow it, but you also won't be learning much by staying at a place too long. Especially when there's no promotion and pay increment in sight. At the end of the day, you can only save so much if you're not earning enough.

2. Keep track of your spending As a mildly neurotic INTJ, I love having a tried and true system I can control and rely on. Budgeting (kakeibo) provides that element of control and order that I crave and it helps me keep track of where my money goes each month.

3. Monetise your hobby I am forever blessed that day I decided to follow my dreams and become a full-time writer. Blogging used to be my hobby back when my full-time job was being a lab assistant at a chicken feed factory. Thank God that I had enough delulu and moxie to quit my job and pursue a new career as a journalist.

Long story short, whatever your heart craves to do, find a way to get paid doing exactly that. And you'll never work a day in your life. 4. Forget the Joneses and focus on yourself Not only is comparison the thief of joy, but it also keeps you from hitting your financial goals.

I've made a point to mute some friends and celebrities who seem to 'inspire' me to spend money. I limit my big ticket purchases to once or twice a year and pretty much stick to a frugal/minimalist lifestyle all year round. I don't mind looking poor to not actually be poor.

Conclusion When I was younger, I only viewed money as a means to get an object I wanted, be it a new bag, makeup or clothes. These days, I realise that having money is more about accessing the freedom and choices that it affords. It feels comforting to know that I can quit my God-awful job if I want to because I can now afford it. It also feels comforting to know that I won't be a burden to others, as I won't be relying on them for money. Having choices and freedom (afforded by money) gives you a different kind of confidence. To me, that's my biggest motivation to hit my financial goals.

[forlornputato]

Happy Mom's Day!

This feels like more than a stab directly aimed at my heart. This feels like the betrayal of a lifetime. I feel like all my life, I've been lied to.

I grew up hating my father so much. His abuse gripped me, suffocating me throughout what seemed like my entire existence.

I remember being so confused. His actions made me mad, his addiction made me angry, like an animal lashing out. Yet, on the rare occasions when he was sober, I could feel the arms of hope slowly making its way to my heart, promising something better. I remember always wondering, always hopeful, always so innocent .... "Maybe this time, it's real. Maybe this time, he'll learn. Maybe this time, he'll change." Only he didn't. He doesn't. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle that made me want to rip my heart out of my chest. I remember praying and begging God to give me a switch so I could just turn off my love for him. After all, every hurt in my bones is an echo of every love I'm giving. God wasn't listening. God has never listened. And so I blamed my father! I screamed, I puked, I acted out, I cut myself, I lost myself. I blame my father. I scream, I puke, I act out, I cut myself, I lose myself. Until eventually, I freed myself from the curse of this love I had for him. I walked out the door one night and never returned. No one, not even my father, will ever have the power to hurt me that way again.

The entire world was mine, all mine, for the first time. I walked through it with a heart beginning to mend. I went to therapy with a positive disposition about my own recovery. For the first time, I felt hopeful. Slowly, very slowly, I was learning what it means to be healed.

But not quite. It wasn't entirely peaceful. Each night, a violent nudge would awaken me. Whenever my mind was generous enough to give me sleep, my body would jolt me awake, screaming, "Not yet! You have your mom to take care of. You are the eldest daughter in an Asian household."

And so, I took it upon myself to shoulder a responsibility so huge that one might think I was a teenage mom. As if I was the one who brought kids into the world without financial security. Remember, I am the eldest daughter in an Asian household.

I struggled to find the balance between supporting a family and pursuing my own dreams. So, I took a gamble. In exchange for a treasure trove filled with gold and money, I sacrificed myself. Because for those without privileges, letting capitalism abuse you is often the necessary sacrifice to put food on the table. I worked hard until I forgot what it feels like to be hungry. I worked hard until I had enough money to send my brother to school. I worked hard until I could afford anything my mom wanted. I worked so hard that I forgot how to dream. I was a machine, but I didn't care. I was stripped of my essence, but I didn't care. I have money. I got them. I got this.

Only I don't. Because when I cut off the only person who was hurting me back then—my dad—I wasn't very clear about my boundaries. I failed to make it clear that I no longer wanted him in my life. Gradually, without my realizing it, my mom was rebuilding the bridges I had burned to ashes. And before I knew it, I found myself halfway across that very same bridge. Again.

There goes the little hope. Again. There goes the little gentle whisper. Again. "Maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll learn. Maybe it's not too late." "Maybe he just needs his daughter to reconnect with him. Maybe I should be thanking my mom for this bridge."

For the millionth time, over and over and over again, I was proven wrong. But today, the pain disappeared so fast I didn't even have the chance to recognize it was gone. I didn't blame him. I didn't scream, didn't vomit, didn't act out, didn't harm myself, I didn't lose myself. Instead, I simply removed myself from his life, free of guilt, curses, sleepless nights, and love. I did it before, what's stopping me from doing it again?

My mom: she needed saving.

And so I spent years trying to make sense of her decisions and of her actions. I was so frustrated, so hurt, so betrayed. Because if you have the option to leave a household, a relationship that does nothing but hurt you, why wouldn't you?

She can't give me any answer. So I made one. "Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is? You should see my mom. " "Do you know what years of abuse does to someone? You should see my mom." "Do you know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship? You should see my mom."

I defended her to myself, "She's your mom." I defended her to my heart, "Remember when she took care of you?" I defended her to my mind, "She's a victim, too. It's not that easy to stop a cycle."

And so very slowly, I channeled all my anger into actions driven by a desire to understand her. "Ma, usap tayo. Bakit hindi mo maiwan si papa?"

And very slowly, I saw how she defended her to herself. "Diba lalong lumalala ang mga kagaya niya kapag iniiwan? Nakakaawa." I saw how she defended her to her heart. "Naging mabuting asawa at tatay naman siya kaya ka nga nakapag aral ka/kayo." I saw how she defended her to her mind. "Wala eh, ito na ang bunga ng mga mali kong decision."

I was pleading. "But I can save you." I was begging. "Please, alis ka na. Hahanapan kita bahay, bibilihan kita ng gamit." I was hurting. "Please ma, nahihirapan na kasi ako."

And time and time and time again, I have witnessed how my parents chose their unhealthy relationship patterns over themselves. Over and over again, I've seen how my parents choose each other over us, over me, their daughter.

I thought maybe I was blaming the wrong person my entire life. Abuse is abuse. But if you have the power and the means to choose yourself, why would you allow the abuse to continue for so long? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should also blame the person who tolerates it? Maybe. I don't know.

And here I am, 29 years of existing, 29 years of letting them hurt me, only now mustering the courage to draw my boundaries. Burning the bridge didn't work. Here's a wall. Sitting with them and calmly talking didn't work. Here's my silence. Years of trying so hard to understand what it feels like for them to be trapped your whole life in an addiction and an abusive relationship didn't work. Here's my goodbye.

I am the eldest daughter in an Asian household. It hurts so much that I can't do anything to save them. But maybe this is no longer my fight.

I am the eldest daughter in an Asian household. It hurts so much to see them hurting each other. But maybe I already did my best and now is the time to accept the cold hard fact that I cannot do anything anymore because everything now is their choice, not mine.

Because maybe, just maybe, maybe it's not my responsibility to re-parent my parents. Because what would you do for someone who refused to be helped? Nothing. Just make peace with the fact that sometimes, loving people means doing it from a distance.

I am the eldest daughter in an Asian household. And for the first time, the world is mine.

[drbased]

On this 420

Even though I don't do weed anymore, it sits pride of place in my heart. Weed changed my entire life. Through weed I finally understood myself, I found confidence in myself, and I generated an entire life philosophy and a robust framework to conquer depression. It fucking saved me. Weed gives you that childlike naivete, a heightened emotional sensitivity, that ability to really dive into something and wholeheartedly believe it.

One day, around 2 years ago, I sat in a room, hotboxed it, and talked to myself, as if I was my own therapist. And, more importantly, I listened to myself. I used the heightened sensitivity and belief to, like, humour myself for a bit. Just to try out actually believing the things I believe instead of padding myself out with doubt. To test out agreeing with myself, taking the risk of being a whole human being with independent thoughts and feelings that require zero justification to the world. I discovered a deep terror within myself; for a decade I had supplanted real-life experience of cause and effect with this symbolic narrative of myself that was more comfortable. But it was deeply fragile and, as I have aged and the traumas have piled up, the romanticism of the narrative was fracturing before my eyes. Weed showed up just at the right time for me to face my neuroses head-on.

For a while, the fear that what I had learned was all stoner hippy nonsense sat front and center of my mind. That period of weed-induced self-examination was, in hindsight, a very tense period of my life. I was risking my psyche, I was challenging myself to embrace being a living human for the first time in my life. I'm still not wholly comfortable in myself now, but over time I have felt much more whole, human and present. And this has been achieved through actually facing what I want to do - actually expressing my individual humanity - no matter how much it feels 'silly' or 'pointless'.

So the conclusion I have to come to is that, indeed, weed did change me permanently for the better. One key thing that soothed my concern over being just an drug-addled lunatic was when earlier this year I stumbled upon a book called The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. I would recommend this to everyone. So... it turns out that through my own ruminations I discovered/re-invented stoicism by accident? This book lays out an approach to happiness that is so, so close to all those things I discovered for myself through weed. It's phenomenal and warms my heart. I don't feel arrogant, but rather I feel connected with people of the past. My understanding of myself isn't just a quirk of my own identity but it's something that other people have recognised and see value in. And I would never have found that profound connection with universal humanity, amongst many, many other things, had I not taken those risks with my psyche.

Historically, I would wrap myself in emotional bubble wrap, avoiding risk where possible. I had horrible, crippling insecurities up the wazoo. And I wondered why I didn't feel human! Since that first day where I spoke to myself whilst high, have been taking incredibly small, gingerly steps. I'm back creating again. I've learned new hobbies, and embraced and built on old ones. I've written stuff online (like I'm writing now). I'm rejecting sunk costs. I have a better relationship with food. And, most importantly of all, I'M NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE!!! I'm learning to love myself and to show myself that I love myself. It's a slow process, but it's better than anything I had before; it's certainly infinitely more robust.

So thank you and goodbye, weed, for everything you've done for me, and for everything you've allowed me to do for myself.

[jjungkooksthighs]

I'm giggling like a schoolgirl right now. this has to be one of the best conversations I've ever had author! And this just proves how much of a good writer you are. You know exactly who your audience is, and what they want. You know exactly how to cater to the needs of your audience while having your own boundaries, and I immensely admire you for that! THANK YOU for that slightly terrifying, smutty, intense, and eventually, wonderfully fluffy conversation, dear. I am mesmerized by your dedication. 5 whole fucking days. That's how long this conversation had gone! And you were able to deliver to your audience like a champ!! You should remember this every single fucking time you feel insecure about your writing skills! AMAZING!! I am in love with your writing.

I don't know if I ever told you, but your writing is what saved me from my self-destructive thoughts. I was in a rather pathetic state because of a few unfortunate situations and I did not know how to arrange my thoughts in a systematic way and I felt so lost. Because of how lost I was, I was losing myself to the vicious cycle of depression, anxiety, and eventually PTSD. Writing is one thing that has helped me stay sane. At first, when I started writing, I felt like there was something missing.. and that in turn made me feel lost yet again. But then, as if your work was god sent, I stumbled upon COC, and the fantabulous vocabulary and figure of speech in the work inspired me. It gave rise to a creative part of my mind which helped me understand my thoughts and myself better. That's how powerful your work is. That's how powerful you are. I hope you know that I'm grateful for having been able to read your work at the right moment.

I'm glad to hear you have enjoyed playing with me! I enjoyed answering those asks, so it was fun whilst it lasted. Honestly, I wasn't keeping track of time, so to find out that whole thing went on for five days is not anything I had realized up until you said something about it.

I think you have told me that before in another ask, but to see it again doesn't make it any less special than it was the first time I read it. One of the things that I absolutely love about writing is that it can take you to places you could never go to in your real life. And in those places that good writing can transport you to, you can also meet and connect with characters that resonate with you. I have always believed that a really great author is someone that can create characters, worlds and stories in general that let you "escape" from reality and be part of something you otherwise would never be able to in your real life.

It's part of what draws me to fiction and writing creatively. There are no limits there, and there are no boundaries in what you can do (and what you can create).

It is a powerful thing to be able to be taken on a journey through the arrangement of words and ideas. It really is. And that my writing was able to help you through a difficult time in your life is one of the greatest accomplishments I could receive as a writer. If my writing can help you in any way, then I've succeeded in my job. And that my story was able to aid you through such a rough time is something I treasure.

I appreciate your continued support of COC and my other work. It really makes a world of difference knowing people like you connect to and like my work as much as you do.

[tarotwitchy]

{pick a card readings}

Pile 1 —> Pile 3

Pile 4 —> Pile 6

It's been a very long time, dear followers. I'm alive, and I'm back. I'm so, so sorry for not being active. But I'm back for a new pick a card reading! I said I'll be more active months ago... but look at where we're at. 🙃

For this PAC, we're focusing on your innermost parts that you may or may not be aware of. It could be something you've been using to your advantage, or it could be something that you weren't aware of, but others can clearly see it from you.

Pick a dark image from left to right, top to bottom. There are 6 piles. Take your time to internalize the choices above.

❌ Please do not plagiarize my work, or post it elsewhere without my permission and credits. Thank you! ❌

Pile 1

7 of Swords • 10 of Pentacles • The Emperor • 7 of Cups • Queen of Swords • The Lovers • Buffalo Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

You are someone who is very resourceful, and someone who's very capable of achieving anything that you set your mind into. You know this, and people can attest to your abilities to make things happen. However, you can become so much of a high-achiever to the point where you won't hesitate to resorted to unethical and morally questionable methods, as long as no one is looking. You can become very cutthroat when you want to, and especially when you need to. You're not afraid to cut people down if you were being asked to choose between them and yourself. You probably won't even consider a middle ground to "save every one," or bargain for a better outcome in a situation, so that all parties can win or survive. Most likely, you would also ensure that you get the best of the best when it comes to the choices that life throws your way; and in effect, other people are left in your dust.

How people perceive it:

The way people can see this manifest is by the way you can talk down to them. You certainly have a way of interacting with others that can rub off the wrong way, but most people are afraid to speak up for the fear that you'll bring hell upon them. They can clearly feel your competitive nature, and they can see how you blatantly outmaneuver them in your internal game of chess. Thus, there's a divide in the people who are in your life; ones that want to get into your good graces in hopes that you'd spare them, and ones who won't even tolerate that and leave. Futhermore, you are also stubborn by nature. Once you say your opinions, you have the tendency to expect that people will automatically agree with you. And people can see that behavior from you. A word of caution, though. If you don't develop these aggressive traits into something more positive, you might end up isolating yourself since you can drive people away from you.

•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•

Pile 2

The Star • Queen of Cups • 4 of Pentacles • 9 of Swords • 10 of Wands • 4 of Swords • Racoon Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

The immediate phrase that I heard when the cards were laid out was Victim Mentality. Your dark side stems from feelings of being marginalized and victimized by your circumstances or your upbringing. It could be that a parent was very harsh during your childhood, and that left you feeling like your inner child never had the chance to heal and experience what it feels like being a carefree person. It is because of this that pain is internalized deeply, and you have been suffering from the inside for far too long. It would be great if you had a physical outlet to channel your internal energy into something sensory. But I'm getting that most of you in this pile have chosen to solely keep the pain inside, instead of letting it out properly and healthily.

How people perceive it:

The people around you sense this great burden you carry within you, even behind your bright smiles and upturned eyes. And most people really have the heart and empathy to help you in any way they can. However, the can also see how you're not proactively trying to move on from the pain. You're still in your dwelling stage. You still dwell on your pain, and fully immerse yourself in your tragic memories. While there's no "one-size-fits-all" way to recover, you have to be aware enough that you can't carry your burden forever. Those same people who try to help you will eventually become exhausted in their attempts to aid you in your healing journey; and people are not meant to be our crutches. You have what it takes to recover from this burden as long as you let people in, and be receptive to healthy change.

•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•

Pile 3

9 of Pentacles • Justice • King of Swords • Wheel of Fortune • 5 of Pentacles • 5 of Cups • Bee Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

There's a darkness lingering in your mind from time to time. Depending on the people who picked this pile, there will even be some who feel this darkness on a regular basis. And that is fear. You have this universal fear that's plaguing your mind and heart. While we all have different reasons as to when and why this fear came to be, this pile shares the fear of not being good enough. You're afraid that you will never reach your goals in life, your dreams and aspirations. You might also fear not being good enough for your friends and family who have high expectations of you. But most of all, you're afraid of disappointing yourself. You know within your heart that you are capable of great things... but you are so afraid to fail and feel the humiliation of not making it. You get easily daunted by the challenges you face, that you forget you are facing these challenges only because you are capable of surpassing them.

How people perceive it:

You know what they say when "sharks can smell blood?" There are two different types of people who can perceive your fear. One who is willing to help you overcome it, and give you all the support and aid to show you how much they care about you. But there are also those who want to take advantage of your hesitations and fear to their own advantage. What you need to do is to sniff them out before they even get the chance to see your fears, and immediately steer clear from them. You don't need people in your life who can leech off of your pain and darkness. You need people in your circle who can lift you beyond your apprehensions and doubts in order to help you become a better person, and to make you realize your capabilities. And lastly, you need to be able to soothe the fearful child within you. Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself when you don't get your goals the first time around, and keep on persevering.

•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•

Pile 4

Page of Wands • 6 of Wands • 8 of Wands • 4 of Cups • The Devil • 7 of Wands • Crocodile Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

There's a lot of fire energy in this pile; you probably either have prominent fire placements, or that you consider yourself a fiery person. In this pile, it is indicated that you have a lot of goals in life, lots of things you want to accomplish, and you have an ambition that can be too overwhelming for small-minded people to wrap their heads around. This pile is similar to Pile 3; the only difference is that your external environment is your adversity. You allow people to get under your skin, and their words to pierce your flesh and soul. You internalize what they say about you — even when they don't know an inkling about who you are, or what you actually do in life to make things happen. Hence, you have the tendency to becoming more hostile to other people who have good intentions because you most likely can no longer differentiate the good ones from the bad bunch. Since the majority of the people in your environment are waiting to see you fall, you are overlooking those few who actually want to help you succeed. Be more mindful of your actions, and don't immediately respond with hostility.

How people perceive it:

And indeed, there are a lot of people in your environment who wish to see your downfall. But as I've mentioned, there are those who have good intentions on your behalf. They do want to help. Some people might come off as intense or frank; but that's only because they're probably the type of people who cut to the chase, and would offer you constructive criticism. This is why people might perceive your bad side as you being hostile, aggressive, and pushing them away. Furthermore, they see you as someone impenetrable when it comes to opinions. Once you've made up your mind, there's little to no one who can change it. They just don't understand that you're trying to protect yourself from their harsh judgments and scrutiny. In order for you to rectify this, try to allow people to demonstrate through their actions how they want to help you. Maybe then would you see their genuine intentions.

•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•

Pile 5

6 of Wands • 4 of Wands • Ace of Swords • Ace of Cups • Knight of Wands • 4 of Cups • Beaver Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

Your dark side has something to do with impatience. Your spirit has the essence of haste, and of abrupt movement. You want to get from point A to point B in a short amount of time with as little effort as possible. But as we all know, that's not how it usually works. You get easily frustrated when things don't go your way, and you tend to create a maelstrom of stress around you because of the delays and the hiccups — unfortunately, this can also affect others who are actually around you. When you don't get what you want, or if there's more extra steps needed to accomplish a certain task or goal, or maybe there's a need for you to wait in life, you get agitated and easily frustrated. But in order for you to develop into a better version of yourself, you need accept that you need to put the actual work, patience, and perseverance in order to get what you want. Whether it's about your goals in life, or relationships, you can't rush things. The Universe puts us in situations in order for us to learn and grow in our own time. The more you force things to happen when it's not ready, the more it's going to become skewed. More problems will arise, and delays will become even more inevitable. Step by step is the key.

How people perceive it:

As I'm writing this, I am actually getting breathless and my brows are getting knitted together. I can only imagine that this is how people around you feel when you get into your bouts of impatience and frustration. People feel your stress from a mile away. They can feel as weary and winded by your internalized agitation due to you not getting what you want. It's as if they themselves want to get to the bottom of your problems just so they can get rid of the stress you are unconsciously passing on to them. I just heard this phrase right now: "What is it you're so stressed about?! What's going on, and why are you feeling so impatient? Please calm down!" The people in your life feel as frustrated as you — perhaps, even more — because they're seeing someone they love going through a moment of tension and anxiety. They do care about your well-being, Pile 4. So, if you want to also alleviate their stress, I suggest you practice methods to calm and ground you back to objectivity, such as making a realistic timetable to see the progression of the task or goal you're so frustrated and impatient about.

•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•

Pile 6

The Hierophant • Queen of Swords • Judgment • 7 of Swords • 3 of Pentacles • 8 of Cups • Shark Spirit

How you understand your dark side:

In this reading, your dark side is being reflected as inferiority. It seems like there are a lot of authority figures in your life. You most likely grew up with parental figures who were quite authoritative, and now that you're grown (or as you're growing further), you're subconsciously connecting and associating with people who can mimic that authoritarian presence you're so used to. Unfortunately, you end up attracting a lot of people who don't necessarily have your best intentions in mind. These people do not recognize your strengths because you allow these people to push you and order your around. You fear them, yet you hate them as well. The way I see it, it has become this draining cycle of wanting to live up to people's expectations of you, then failing to do so because you're seeking the approval of the people who will never approve of what you do — no matter how grand your achievements are. It's already taking a toll on your life progress because you may feel easily defeated when people don't approve or your decisions. It's time to align your feelings with your actions, and start standing up for yourself. We teach people how we want to be treated. It is our responsibility to make sure that our dignity is not compromised.

How people perceive it:

There are two types of people I see here: the ones that notice your feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and those who notice and take advantage of it. Unfortunately, your upbringing most likely perpetuated this dynamic of you being conditioned to look for authority figures in life, instead of learning how to listen to your own authoritative inner voice. And so, there have been those you've encountered along the way who really capitalized on this. But for those who notice — and actually cares about this — they do feel sad and solemn towards your lack of faith in your own capabilities. It wouldn't be a surprise if you've encountered those who tried to give you a pep-talk and a confidence boost every now and then; because they see your strong potential and abilities. They want to see you flourish into the person you were meant to become all this time. They want to see you grow into your skin, and be very confident with yourself because this is the only way to eliminate people who want to keep you inferior forever.

{masterlist}

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